Category Archives: despair

453. Raining Down on Everyone’s Parade

 

I had a very revealing dream to myself this night and it’s interesting because I had a brief episode of sickness yesterday and slept quite a long time and I remember seeing this one dream closer to the time of waking up. Anyways what this dream reveals to myself, to the T, is that one aspect of myself that I have seen exists in me in a very almost self-sabotaging manner when it comes to embracing the ‘good stuff’ in life. Throughout these years I’ve shared how I have had a tendency to be comfortable in all things gloom and doom. That’s just how some of us have wired ourselves wherein instead of seeking comfort in the positive and nice fluffy things, we create a comfort in seeing everything wrong, incapable of changing, in a way yes existing in defeatism and seeing ‘no way out’, which I’ve come to understand is a way of yes giving up and not doing the actual work it entails to get things working out, to create something, to move on, to develop, to persevere with what we see in common sense is best for all and so ourselves.

Some of the most obvious aspects of this tendency to remaining in ‘all things gloom and doom’ I have been able to be deliberately changing and you know what, that has been one difficult thing for me to do, because it involves deliberately sticking to see the potential in everything, to deliberately create ways to establish solutions, to deliberately push through something until completion and not giving up on me or others, or life itself.

What emerged in the dream though is something that I had not entirely been able to pin-point even though I’ve been ‘in it’ for I’d say my whole life. How to define this experience in me? How I’ve experienced it and it became this very puzzling sensation in me is how even while being in the most supportive environments on earth, I could not entirely embrace that which I perceived as happiness or wellbeing or enjoyment around me, I FELT that it was quite a fake thing to embrace that expression and potential in me because of thinking/going into my mind and assessing: “hey look at the world, this is not a happy go lucky place, people, animals, life is suffering, what the hell am I doing here just trying to ‘be happy’ and joyful?” This is really not a nice experience because it’s like you can see others genuinely expressing themselves and being enjoying things but I just couldn’t, because of this ‘thorn’ like experience that I had wherein even if at a logical level it made sense and it was cool, there was this something in my experience that would just not embrace it.

This is exactly that one little stingy thing that has been ‘here as myself’ for so long and I hadn’t been able to point it out before, because it’s constantly there, it’s underlying most of the time in my every moment and interaction and how I spot it is how one kind of rejoices when things are going wrong in a way, when more gloom and doom exists and how I get into this very ‘uncomfortable’ experience when seeing growth, development, expansion, potentials, wellbeing… I know, it is even a bit shameful to say so because I have been deliberately advocating for that wellbeing, but I most of the times kept only those that are mostly currently disenfranchised to be given that wellbeing, I have not been entirely including myself in that wellbeing to be honest, I have desired it for others that are having a real bad time on Earth and that’s it. In a way, secretly desiring that the rest of us rather get ‘lemons in life’ for the assholes we’ve been to everyone else that we’ve left behind. Yes, this is a vengeance construct that includes me as the one that shouldn’t be able to ‘enjoy’ anything in life because of who we’ve been and what we’ve created. Yes, this can also be more like a form of punishment, but I here also realize that it doesn’t work as a ‘learning lesson’ if I genuinely wanted to change me and others, we’ve had tons of consequence in this world and we haven’t yet ‘had enough’ of it it seems. So, my logic is all wrong in this case.

But here, what I just wrote above is how we go making up excuses and pointing others as the cause and masking ‘good causes’ with a deep desire for things going wrong in a way, a part of myself has existed as that where whenever there’s any opportunity to ‘plan’ or ‘project’ very cool stuff for others in this world, I just can’t, I blank out, I cannot see further and find it even as too much of an ‘illusion’ to go into such kind of ideas or potentials, and that’s why I have focused on what’s here in the moment, the day to work with but still find it difficult to have this ‘blank slate’ and paint my perfect picture even if I could, even if the world was in that ready-for-creation state… and this as I see it can only mean that I don’t know yet, because I haven’t created it yet and I have to stop seeing it as this very evil/bad thing of myself to freeze out in all things good and potential and not being able to kind of ‘compute’ to it or embrace it, because I haven’t been doing that for myself yet, I haven’t let go of this other ‘vein’ that runs through me that wants to keep everything in a fucked-up status-quo. Yes, not the best thing to say or consider isn’t it? But I have also seen that even if we don’t want to admit this to ourselves, this is how we are wired in our minds for the most part when we are not self-directive, we drive ourselves to an inherent self-sabotage because we actually don’t want to do the work, the effort, the discipline, the changes required to truly embrace and nurture that potential in ourselves… in a way, we want to keep ourselves as addicts of the bad life, in whichever way or form it exists for each one of us.

Is this sad and shameful to realize? Yes it is for myself, absolutely, I was ashamed the moment that I realized in my dream how I was attempting to deliberately ‘bring others down with me’ because of my experience, instead of being the one that steps up to change myself, my experience in that moment and let go of my self-definitions and limitations.

If anything this is what I can define as the ‘evil’ inside me, that can’t rejoice in all things constructive and positive and expansive and supportive, but always awaits to see something going down again, to eventually want it to be broken, to be ‘in the same old’ misery, which is also where it is very much a weird thing for me to say, and this is a part of me that exists in me, that I have been deliberately changing and correcting throughout the years, yet it is still unexplainable if it will ever go away as this underlying experience in me, as the real nature of me that I will have to continually manage and override with a deliberate constant creation of the me that I would be in common sense willing to live and express as myself.

See, why I say the words deliberately creating and considering common sense, because if I didn’t, I would still ‘rather prefer’ – me as the mind – to have things not changing, to stay in a ‘comfort zone’ of self sabotage, of not growing, not expanding, not looking into the future in seeing the potential of what I’d like to be and create – and these are still points I have to look at deeply within me, how even if I am advocating for principled living and doing what’s best, it is something I deliberately do, it’s not natural, I don’t precisely feel ‘comfortable’ doing so all the time and still there are these moments where there’s a part of me that recoils at the notion of something growing, expanding, being happy, cringing at success so to speak…. And I get the image of my grandmother with this, and some other people in my life that I had seen tend to have the same set-up and this is where I realize: I want to stop the cycle of limitation, of pity, of misery, of recoiling at someone else’s thriving experience and here I see how this can be a generational thing as well that we mask with ‘fake gladness’ towards others, yet in the inside it’s like we cannot stand someone’s happiness or wellbeing and thriving… and this is in all cases my definition of that evil that exists in me.

 

 

So yesterday I was chatting with my buddy and I mentioned this point of how there was this interview that was published on Eqafe.com that I absolutely ‘resonated’ with in terms of wanting to get all of the ‘secret stuff’ out in the open to finally see it and acknowledge it, its name is the Consequence of Suppression. And I did tell her in a rhetorical self-questioning, that ‘I’d like to know for myself what those ‘deep secrets’ are’, because there are some say rather ‘meaningless’ stuff that I’ve worked with before in terms of ‘secrets’, but somehow I wasn’t seeing This very point I’ll explain here. So it’s like I made the question and I got a partial answer to it through this dream, which I am quite grateful for.

In this dream I was at my grandmother’s house…. I never liked going there, I didn’t have a good relationship with her either because…. lol! She represented exactly – most likely – this pattern that I am about to explain, so the fact that I was there with my partner and some in my family already was like an interesting set up because I had not dreamed of that house in a long time, even though I didn’t see her there either, she’s dead too. I was told by my mother how we would only make a ‘stop’ there in the house for a short period of time, we were on our way somewhere else, which is why I was ‘ok’ with being there – noticing here already the conditioning aspect. This ‘conditionality’ aspect means to have others do what I say or want based on my preferences, which is one hell of a controlling mechanism that I have imposed onto others around me, big time. Meaning if they said ‘we will be there for a short time’ that should be IT and if other contingencies happen, “I’m sorry, you said this: we must leave now” type of thing.

As we were sitting in the living room, a bunch of unknown species of insects and animals would start flying around and running around, for the most part I would be usually scared of this, but this time I ‘breathed through it’ in the dream, which was interesting even though a part of me just wanted to zap them and get the hell out of there. After that I’d see more people arriving to the house, people I haven’t seen in some years which created some discomfort in me as well, which is revealing too. And the people that were gathering in that same living room had some kids that started running around and in general they were like these ‘good people’ that were happy and enjoying themselves in the moment.

What started happening is that I started just wanting to leave the situation and get away from it all, because it is like the situation was just ‘too perfect’ for ‘me’ as my mind and my experience that almost gets into a discomfort when things are going ‘too well’ in certain situations… yes as weird as it sounds. How I’ve defined it in my mind is that ‘this is too fake, this is too good to be true, I’m out of here’ And in that moment I was expecting my partner to be in that ‘same experience’ but! Nope, actually I’d find him carrying a baby  and playing with the kids and I’d see how he was quite stable and content with it all, so I knew that I would be a real b. if I’d go and tell him to leave them and come away with me and my misery. Some people around me kept trying to interact with me and in a way to make me stay there, but what I saw is how there was a part of me that wanted everyone to just start feeling miserable, bad, negative, to ‘drop the show’ as I perceived it. I wasn’t interested in ‘joining them’ so to speak, no matter how constructive their talks and doings were in that moment.

Then someone else – a male – would take me aside into a different room, a different setting and would simply ask ‘what’s up’? I recognize that question from someone in my life that assisted me a lot to genuinely look inside me and be honest about my experience, so then I would start complaining and half-crying almost like a little kid, all about how ‘everyone was just so happy and well’ and how I wanted everyone to instead consider ME my experience that was uncomfortable in that situation, I wanted everyone to ‘drop their show’ to focus on how I wasn’t doing well, I wanted to stop ‘their good time’ in order to focus on my ‘bad time’ and this is one hell of a pattern in fact.

It reminded me as well of the times when I would throw tantrums as a child for something I perceived my parents forgot to do for me or give me or be there for me, and so whenever they would start apologizing and even giving some stuff to me as a way to redeem themselves, I would throw it all back at them, I would kick and scream and cry and become just really, really irate at the situation. I have explained this before as well and my ‘happiness point’ in that situation was to have them feel like shit for ‘doing this/that to me’ and be terribly sorry and just be at the same level of woe that I was in and ask for forgiveness and stuff like that. So what I wanted in that reunion situation is others to ‘notice me’ and how I feel really bad and almost want to push them to ‘blame themselves’ for ‘making Me feel a certain way.’ Which is what transpired in that situation developing at my grandmother’s home and only when I woke up I kind of pondered how come I hadn’t seen my grandmother there, and saw the obviousness of it… I was embodying that one aspect of her that I completely hated about her, which is related to how even if she had all of her kids with her assisting her, checking up on her constantly, giving her all the money she needed, she would still complain and drown herself into a pity party that was very difficult to get her out of, if not, at all.

So I haven’t actually walked this point for myself, how this aversion I had toward my grandmother is not a childish thing that I created toward her and believing that I am right on that assessment, because sure I have now been able to understand more of her life context and experiences to understand why she was who she was and behaved the way she did. But in me, this almost self-sabotaging experience of wanting to ‘rain down on everyone’s parade’ and have everyone else become equally miserable to My experience… man, that is fucked up to say the least and the ‘frightening’ thing is how this is an underlying experience in me that I hadn’t been able to actually see with clarity.

There had always been this one ‘thing’ as a ‘stuck thorn’ experience that would come up whenever I see anything ‘blooming’ and ‘in happiness’ and in any form of growth, development, expansion… in a deliberate manner I push myself to see the benefits, to see how cool it is that this/that is growing, expanding, enjoying, being just ‘fine’ with themselves and in a situation or environment. Yet me in my experience, like it was in the dream, even if the environment could have been genuinely interesting, comfortable and even inviting for me, I held on to this one bubble of anger, discomfort, resentment point that I was piling up based on how ‘I had been told this was going to be a 5 minute thing, now we seem to be stuck here’ and in a way refusing to ‘give in’ and ‘let go’ of my control aspect, but at the same time almost like wishing and desiring that others could notice how unhappy I was, and have everyone else around me notice that I just wasn’t ‘ok’ as them and so be able to stop their experiences and ‘join me in misery’.

Upon sharing this out loud to my partner I see that this has been that one ‘thorn’ that I’ve experienced basically everywhere and in everything where it seems I cannot genuinely enjoy something, that I cannot fully embrace something that is entirely supportive. And here it is not a point of deserving or anything like that… it is just this constant if I can call it ‘evil’ as a reverse of life really because it creates  a comfort in anything that is not yet ‘there’ in an utmost potential of my own self experience and that of others and everything around me… and how I have assessed it through my mind is that ‘it feels fake, too good to be true, that’s just not how life is’ and in this underlying experience, almost always expecting things to keep going wrong, to keep struggling even though I myself in my directive self and the self that I am deliberately creating for me is well aware of how detrimental is for us to keep ‘falling’ on the same crap, really. Yet I see that there is still this part of me, very suppressed, very ingrained, very underlying but still constantly there where I just can’t seem to be able to enjoy myself fully and completely, I just can’t seem myself to even push myself to envision/visualize myself having ‘all that I need’ in a way that I guess many people can constantly dream of as their ‘perfect lives…’ I don’t have that and I see that as much as I have had moments of genuine enjoyment, there are some ‘wirings’ in me that tell me how that is not real, that is just a passing situation, that is not the reality of life on earth and so kind of eventually suppressing it in a way to keep within this ‘stuckness’ comfort of almost being in this ‘ever-developing’ phase where I can’t seem to fully breakthrough to constructive and supportive stuff, because of how I’ve Defined it as ‘unreal’ as ‘fake’ as ‘not true’ and ‘not congruent’ to the rest of life on Earth.

Though in common sense, why would I want others to be constantly miserable as a way to realize what we’ve done to ourselves and so what needs to be changed? It is not necessary, if anything that stage of being at our ‘very dark bottom of the pit’ is nothing else but a stage from which we have to eventually step out of.  And this is where I know I deliberately place these words because they make sense and it’s the kind of expression I want – as in self-corrected me – to continue nurturing and growing in myself, but if I wrote here as the me that has always been here as ‘my real nature’ so to speak… I would not be bothering, at all.

Therefore how I use the word deliberate as a guiding point for me, realizing I am doing this willingly and deliberately and how it doesn’t come easy because it feels so unnatural, so ‘not me’ but this is precisely the part of me that I consider we all have and that we have to in a way starve to death, we don’t have to feed it anymore and so instead grow, nurture our other aspect of ourselves, that little bit where potential exists, where thriving exists.

And this is also that came up as well when I was recording this hangout of Black Mirror’s season 3, episode Nosedive and this might even be actually a very supportive thing for me to learn to see how others related to the same episode and so use it to reflect a lot more back into myself as to why I became what I became before and so here how to continually and deliberately expand into creating the self that I see is most supportive and constructive for myself and others in equality. We all have that potential, we have to make a deliberate decision to see what do we want to keep supportive within ourselves? The evil, the constructive and supportive or ‘good’ for a lack of better word?  Up to me.

 

Learn and walk with us how to Embrace and Create Life here:

 

Photo of my niece by me, hope she doesn’t mind!

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428. How to Stop the Despair about the World?

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There are times when what one is doing toward any form of change doesn’t seem to be enough at all, in fact it can even be perceived as counterproductive or judged by others as useless or harmful. I’ve faced patterns of general ‘alienation’ in relation to seeing a genuine way in which one can create an effect for others as well, but I guess that the point missed is that in focusing too much on ‘doing it out there’ the ‘in here’ is left out of the picture, and what I mean by ‘in here’ is seeing where I am not supporting myself to the point of being the normal stable support for myself and so for others.

What happens is that I started focusing too much ‘out there’ only and being taken aback by the reality of many that are genuinely suffering. We know this world is in dire straits, it is our creation and consequence therefore, we cannot really ‘do much’ about it alone – we have to stand together in a similar stance and perspective to get to fine tune the solutions for the reality we have all co-created. Sometimes witnessing all the suffering in various bits and places and through news, documentaries, personal stories etc. make you want to simply drop everything and just cry like a baby for hours end. I experienced this recently as I had done before, and seeing others going through the same only reminds me that we can never really bring any ‘change’ with more sadness, suffering or emotional outbursts: that certainly does nothing. If anything these experiences are not meant to be judged either, but rather using them as a time to introspect what kind of situations one has allowed to be ‘piled up’ and accumulated to the point where one simply explodes when something apparently ‘bigger’ triggers it all. I’ve noticed I’ve been sighing a lot, as if there was some extra effort in doing things as well, even though I keep at everything, sometimes there’s a perceived ‘loss of meaning to doing things.’

Why would I lose a ‘meaning’ on it? Well because the focus was too ‘outwardly’ shifted instead of first ensuring I can be supporting myself, having clarity on who I am, what I stand for and as such with such inner-stability be able to direct myself in such clarity in my usual doings. The thing is that, when one allows oneself to be affected too much by what’s going on outside, one then becomes part of the drama that takes you down misery lane and it’s kind of hard to get out of it as one keeps repeating the images, the information that created the experience of hopelessness, powerlessness in the first place. First point is to not become a victim of information only and creating an experience about it, but rather understand that we become part of the pile of junk if we keep ourselves in the same gloomy self experience Guiño

 

I know this is a common point for many, specifically those that can conceive themselves as being ‘over sensitive’ about things, which doesn’t mean ‘you care more’ but simply one actually allows oneself to take what’s on the outside and ‘process it’ or ‘digest it’ as something that becomes an internal emotional experience. The world doesn’t need more sufferers, more depressed people or people that have no hope even in their own lives: world needs individuals that can see, understand the problem, that can recognize the responsibility we hold to it and from there seek to join forces with others on the same track so as to create an actual network of solutions and support, THAT is what the world needs. “God hates a coward” is the title of a song, lol,  I’d say Life hates a coward and if one is not truly willing to Stand up for Life and do all that it takes, then one becomes part of the problem, part of the ‘giving up’ ones of which the death realm is filled with, I bet.

 

 

Watch our Hangouts related to this topic!

 

 

 

Times like these are also cool to see where am I giving into other pleasures or plain laziness, where do I refuse to keep expanding myself, where have I become stagnant in my own self support and development? Am I doing enough for myself or do I then make of the world the reason for my own confusion, alienation and general ‘loss of meaning’ in everything which is another way to sugar coat a plain lack of insight and seeing direct as to what it is that I need to put my motivation back on.

 

I’ve been there many times before and it is also true that these hardly engrained patterns that I cultivated for many years won’t be wiped out overnight, it is a continuous process over years until they are no more at all, and more so to learn how to stand up from them every time, to keep doing what one has to do and keep going even if it ‘feels’ like feeding a dead horse… it’s about diligence and consistency and also as Nick Cave says: keep on pushing the sky away, to not wish to be dead and so ‘out of the mess of this world’ and going into extreme anger or apathy or general despair because all of these are only experiences, they too shall pass = they can be worked on an overcome them as we created them.

I would mostly suggest to flag point for myself whenever these experiences come up and instead of going down the memory lane of suffering and why the world is miserable, see directly: what am I resisting to do? Where am I procrastinating my change of ‘experience’ toward something in particular? If I am fed up with the state of the world, then I don’t have to make it my own ‘fedupness’ toward my own life and anything that I do in it. Again, takes some courage to see directly, and the faster the better otherwise one single ‘fall’ if not looked at for some time, can make one feel like one is dragging one’s dead body around, even while trying to act/be normal: we always know when there’s something ‘going on’ within us, and if it’s not health-related then we must know that there is something ‘up there’ that I still want to hold on to and justify one’s experience with.

In past week I came to the conclusion that there can be no real happiness in this world unless we eradicate all fear, all suffering, all hatred, all anger, all abuse in this world – no matter if you have the ‘perfect life’ with the necessary money and giving yourself some treats here and there, it is meaningless, it is shallow, it is pointless because as long as I know there is people that haven’t been ‘fortunate’ enough to have what I have, my ‘happiness’ is a self-interested experience. So, realizing this doesn’t make your life more cheerful or gleeful either, but it grounds you to see what one is focusing on/paying attention to and what one plans to do with one’s life altogether.

From my perspective, as I’ve said it many times, I will do and be with that which is the most supportive for life on Earth, no matter how ‘futile’ it might seem, how questionable sharing something in the vast sea of the internet and endless roads of information can be: I choose to contribute to the growth and support of everyone else that is willing to do the same for themselves than being part of the endless queues that want to desert out of life, which they too would have to be understood as a consequential outflow of all of us not having done enough to give everyone a decent reason to live. I decide to do this for myself and so for any other person that can benefit from it.

 

So, a clear decision is always a lifetime decision – there can be fogs at times and that is ok, it is a momentary reassessment that can take a few days, but eventually it is really so that No One can ‘pull you out of it’ unless You Decide to Walk Out of it Yourself. It is a Doing, not a Thinking.

Let’s keep walking.

 

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PS. Artwork and photograph not by me

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