Category Archives: Desteni I Process

640. What does it Mean to Consider Others’ Minds?

 

I shared a situation that I got involved in today at the Desteni group chat where I reacted to other two people’s conversation that I was stepping into as I was getting in the car to go somewhere with the pilot. The conversation was gossiping or talking negatively about someone else and the conversation was leading to a lack of focus at the wheel by the person whose car I was getting into. So, in my attempt to stop having to be part of something that ‘I didn’t want to be a part of’ – the gossip – and steering the pilot’s focus and attention to the road, I made a comment that eventually got heard by the person on the other side of the line. I said ‘I don’t want to hear gossip’ – yes, I said it calmly and not in a loud voice, but still it caused a reaction and the person on the other side of the line ‘got the message’ and ended the conversation. The person I was with in the car got visibly bothered and angry about me voicing this out loud and ending up being heard by the other person.

Now, at first sight one would say ‘well yes, you had the right to do that, gossip is bad and you did what is best for all, which is to stop the ongoing conversation if it is simply talking badly about others’ – but, the reality is that, that is the way I would prefer to think of things and be righteous in my ‘right’ to ‘speak up’ and call people out if they are ‘talking shit’ about others. But, in reality, based on me understanding what reactions do and what my words may trigger in others – which I didn’t really consider at the time – I actually could have done better in how I participated in that whole situation.

After discussing it in the chat and opening it up with several people, I agree that I could have breathed through the gossip. I realize that a part of me actually got ‘involved’ in it by placing my mind into it and so judging it, otherwise, I would not have reacted to it. It wasn’t a situation where I could just ‘walk out’ of the environment or the situation since I was getting into a car that was going to be in motion, and I was actually aiming to get somewhere at a specific time.  I ‘should have known better’ and not judge or react to the conversation that these two people were having. It wasn’t my car either and I wasn’t asked to intervene or to give an opinion either. Instead, I could have focused on what really became an actual problem, which was the lack of focus of the pilot at the wheel.

So, I realize that I did react to what was being said, where I considered how unbearable their words were and what their ‘intensity’ was when talking about other people and their particular context, which I also considered to be greatly lacking in consideration and understanding to others on their behalf, but, there I a didn’t consider from the get go how ‘calling out the gossip’ in a situation that I just got into, in someone else’s car gave me no right to intervene in such a way, because in essence yes it was a ‘private conversation’ yet held through the car’s speakers, which is also why my remarks were openly heard. I had no problem with this, but the pilot of the car did.

So the actual fear factor involved is that I actually feared for a car crash due to the lack of  attention and dexterity that the driver was showing as a result of trying to focus on me giving directions and keeping ‘at it’ with the phone conversation in the car.

After assessing it and also talking it out with my partner, I realized that I also took the point to another level by trying to explain and clarify things afterwards the whole ‘reaction’ took place. Here I didn’t consider that, if someone is ‘already in a reaction’ they will most likely be extremely bothered by me trying to talk them out of the reaction or asking what was really wrong or trying to clarify things… I honestly haven’t considered that if someone is already quite pissed, the best is to keep quiet, instead of trying to explain myself and give examples or even alternative solutions to the kind of situation. I had not considered that if a person is in a reaction… no matter what I try and explain, it will most likely not even be heard if the other person is not really working on easing their reactions, or feel equally righteous about their reaction.

So, something that I also forgot in this moment – and I must say it was also fueled by a fear of actually getting into some kind of car crash because of the lack of attention to the road – is to take responsibility for MY reactions first and foremost – in this case, towards the gossip itself – and to instead focus on directing what was the priority in the moment, which was: the driving, the attention and the focus.

I even considered that I could have done better by actually speaking out to the other person on the line – since they could hear me anyways – and explain that the pilot was losing focus and attention on the road because of the conversation, so please calling at a later time. But I didn’t, because I reacted more to what was being said and creating the idea that ‘I was now being a silent participant of the gossip’ and I simply didn’t want to be a part of it. However, that’s also an excuse that is not looking at the source of the point, which is my reactions towards the conversation, the words and reacting to it as gossip in itself, which caused me to want to ‘voice myself out’ in the moment and then causing more conflict in the situation than the one I was trying to ‘get myself out of’ in a third party manner – and no this didn’t make the journey ‘safer’ or ‘calmer’ either.

It is cool to share this kind of things with others and gather perspectives, because I then am able to expand a lot from what I usually consider and also from taking a regular person’s perspective, like my partner, because he isn’t walking this process, yet he also sees how at times the way I word things out can be misunderstood and this is one of those things that I agree, not many can actually understand what I mean and how I see things and can simply become like word-bullets that people react to even if the context and starting point in which I am saying is not ‘aimed’ to hurt or be offensive, but this is also my point to work on and practicing communicating with ‘regular words’ or more descriptive to people that may not fully ‘grasp’ what I mean when I say ‘you are not being supportive at this very moment’ – because the pilot person then took it as if ‘they hadn’t been supportive at all’ and I was being ungrateful… instead of my initial intent which was to explain that having someone with me with such reactions towards me wasn’t  supportive for me if they couldn’t let go of the reaction based on the past moment in the car, also considering the situation that we were heading to.  

So, lesson learned: I have to find other words to explain what I mean and to learn to simply keep quiet and understand when a person is in a reaction about a certain situation and that it doesn’t mean that they now ‘totally’ want to get away from me or disregard me. So, keeping quiet is not something I usually apply, because I believe I have to ‘make things right’ and ‘explain myself’ but, if a person is already in a reaction, the best thing is to have the thing just cool down and not open it up until the waters are calmer on both sides.

My responsibility remains the same, I have to check my own reactions and if I am getting into someone else’s car and they are driving me somewhere as a favor, that’s it, I have to get used to whatever they are listening to or whatever conversation they are deciding to put in the speakers for me to listen to as well. I also considered that I could have just listened through the conversation and perhaps later on once everything is done and we could arrive safely to our destination, to give a perspective about how to possibly approach the situation where someone else’s words or deeds are being judged, and to consider ‘more than what meets the eye’ which is how I know gossip goes when we assume things and don’t really consider what may be going on in someone else’s life, but we then find it very easy to just talk badly about others without placing ourselves in their shoes, and fully consider what they were going through, and the same on the other people’s side, to understand is to be able to forgive as well.

Ultimately, as much as I would have liked that moment to possibly assist the people involved in realizing ‘hey, it’s actually not beneficial for anyone to be talking crap about others,’ I also realize that my intent should not be in ‘wanting to change others’ – ever – because! I’ve been there, done that and have fallen flat on the ground with it as it should be, because change and self responsibility is about ourselves, not about ‘doing it to others’ or wanting to impose something to others, which yes, Marlen knows quite a great deal of, but it still slipped out again today, even if in a more ‘composed’ way, it still caused reactions in others.

So, as much as I could be thinking ‘oh my god, why did I do that, what was I thinking, why didn’t I take my own responsibility and felt the right to say what I said?’ and feel bad about it, I also realize that I wouldn’t learn anything by only staying in feeling guilty about the situation. I instead have looked at different ways in which the same situation could have unfolded which involve me keeping quiet and watching my own reactions – putting a guard on my mouth – as the event developed, focusing on giving the right directions and perhaps only later on giving a perspective to the pilot, since the relationship is quite close and I consider I am able to give an opinion even if unrequested, and to perhaps give another set of considerations towards the subject of the gossip – there I am not judging the gossip, but rather seeing where there might be assumptions, judgments and a lack of ‘placing yourself in someone else’s shoes’ type of consideration.

Another option is that I could have intervened in the conversation by saying ‘Hello x person, look this conversation is distracting the driver, so would you please call by at another time – thanks’ – though some might still find this intrusive or disrespectful. So yes, I have to watch out for that kind of situations as well considering it’s not ‘my space’ and there is something going on as I step into it.  And another option was resorting to doing some hand signals to say ‘cut it off’ to the driver in order to simply focus on the road and the direction we were going. But, that didn’t even cross my mind since I am usually just quite direct, but I have to develop some ‘tact’ in relation to other people as well – which doesn’t mean to ‘back off’ and suppress, but simply to consider the moment and the people involved as well.

I also have to consider that yes, some people might be more reactive in their minds and that calling them out for something like ‘gossiping’ can be deemed as offensive. In this, the context is relevant as well, some people might know where I stand in relation to not being a participant in that kind of stuff and others aren’t – sometimes people get ‘carried away’ by the kind of ‘energy’ that floats out from talking gossip to the point where it’s as if the righteousness that it is being talked to could give a certain ‘high ‘to people, and that means losing one’s ground. I know it because I’ve done it, and that’s even with feeling so very righteous about it like criticizing a ‘bad government’ or politician or ‘the system’, which were my ‘specialty’ piñata-like topics to hit on every time that I could back in the day.

So, with this all being said, I have to learn to consider others more, otherwise, people will simply react more and possibly cause more conflict if the person is reacting, they still lose focus on the road if I keep trying to ‘explain myself.’ I have to learn to let it all ‘cool down’ and keep quiet and possibly change the subject in the awareness that I am not avoiding to talk about it – because I usually do exactly the opposite and insist on ‘opening it up’ – and realize that some people deal better with a  moment of anger or frustration by keeping quiet, not discussing it any longer and not questioning their actions right after ‘the facts,’ because…. It usually leads to no growth or learning process because the reactions are on the way, and that’s something I know very well so, I can’t expect someone else to be entirely ‘ok’ after such kind of situation just because I feel ok and calm about it. There I have to extend my consideration to the other person’s mind and state of being and understand them, even if I was fine about the entire situation.

In conclusion, I can’t expect people to handle this kind of situations like I would or be wiling to ‘be self honest’ about their words and deeds if that is not what they are ‘into’ doing in their lives. If I decide to step into someone else’s ‘world’ or space for a moment, I have to be willing to walk through whatever is going on with them if I am asking them for a favor, and if I see that it is an ongoing pattern, then I can simply voice out why I don’t find it supportive to be in that kind of situations – if they are often – whenever I get to drive around with them and find another way through. So, it’s about communication and finding solutions and seeing what is important for each person and be willing to understand that, otherwise, I do become a tyrant in someone else’s land and, it’s not an uncommon trait in me that I actually have to change.

I share this because it might be very common that some of us may feel ‘righteous’ to call people out in certain moments by believing we are stopping certain kind of abuse or situation that we deem as consequential or negative. In this case it wasn’t my intent to call them out, I voiced what I wasn’t ‘willing to be a part of’ but it ended up still coming from a reaction and being received as an offense and as a calling out, so, that’s where I see that I have to be careful of how I say things and what my starting point of it is and ensure it’s not coming from a judgment that causes a reaction. Otherwise, I become the very gossiping that I am judging by judging the gossip in my mind and reacting to it, so, in wanting to prevent myself from ‘being a part of it’ I became a part of it by giving it my awareness and ears and taking it ‘in’ and reacting to it in one way or another, which is then, defeating the whole purpose of ‘stopping the gossip’ in the first place.

There’s a quote I read yesterday from Nietzsche “Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster…”  it’s interesting because I had mostly always remembered the second half of the quote but never really ‘registered’ this first part, and it is so important to consider that, in my attempt to ‘stop something negative’ going on, I created or caused more conflict, negative reactions in others. So, instead of ‘trying to fight’ what I am judging in a moment as bad, evil, conflictive, I have to understand it, to remind myself that calling it out from a reaction won’t lead to an outcome that is supportive for anyone – and instead, get to understand why people tend to gossip, what it ‘gives them’ as an experience or what the righteousness about it all indicates about themselves, which then in itself also gives me a good idea of ‘where they are at’ in their mindset, in their experience in the moment, and so, realizing there are already reactions going on that I must consider if interacting with the people involved.

Then, ultimately, I wasn’t part of the conversation, it is also as if I had stepped into a taxi and the taxi driver was having the same conversation with an unknown person… well If I had ‘called it out’ by saying ‘I don’t want to be part of this gossip’ then I would have been surely kicked out of the taxi. So, I took it personally also because of the relationship with these people and what I consider was ‘unfair’ in relation to the subject they were talking about and the way the subject was talked about as well, so it also indicates my own judgments.  So that’s also a good way to put things into perspective where the relationship with these people form a reason for me to try and ‘stop it from continuing’, like preventing ME from being a tacit participant in it – when, well, if I did the same about Everything that goes on in this world that I judge as bad, negative, harmful or consequential? Then I would be wanting to ‘call out’ a lot of problems that happen every single moment and ‘not be a part of it,’ isn’t it?

It would have been a very different story if I was asked for a perspective or if I was there from the beginning as a known participant in a situation of gossip – and one that I could simply turn and walk away from as well. So, I recognize my flaws in this one, while also realizing that it is cool to give feedback to the closest people that I care for, but sometimes even that, can be unrequested and not really wanting to hear my perspective on certain things. This is also to ‘let go’ of wanting others close to me to ‘open their eyes’ about certain things that I consider they could change and are damaging to themselves, and instead, be an example of that with my own living and the way that I can express myself when talking about others, one that is understanding and considerate, so that is where it all begins, within self.

Thanks for reading. 

 

And! Because I recently translated these to Spanish, if anyone can identify more with the ‘feeling offended’ side, this is a great series to follow through and support yourself with:

  1. Offended: All About You – Atlanteans – Part 315
  2. Offended: Understanding and Changing in Real Time – Atlanteans – Part 316
  3. Offended: Inferior|Superior – Atlanteans – Part 317
  4. Offended: Stop the Polarity Game – Atlanteans – Part 318

 

Control

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty

Advertisements

607. Understanding Individual Self-Honesty

 

There is a relevant thing that I got to recently finally understand about how there’s this tendency in me that has become ‘so much me’ that I don’t actually notice unless there’s immediate feedback for me to look at it, and this is not an entirely ‘new’ thing for me but it led me to understand some self-honesty 101 basics – again! lol.

 

So! The point is when I want others to live and do things ‘my way’ as ‘the best way’ when it comes to approaching a particular experience, pattern or reaction, and I use sentences like ‘If I were you I would be doing this & that’ or ‘what I have done in such situations is this/that so, you can consider doing it as well’ where I don’t really see how even if words may not sound ‘malicious’ as such, this is where I have to apply self-honesty and observe myself in terms of ‘who am I’ in those words I am saying, what is the background physical experience, what are the desired outcomes of it?

 

What I did notice is that as there was building pressure as a reaction within me coming from a desire to get things ‘worked through’ the way that I wanted so that I could obtain a desired outcome through another ‘doing something the way I see would be best’ in terms of processing a point/pattern. And it is cool because this kind of ‘building pressure’ about something is not an ‘invisible experience’ to me and I can barely communicate or function properly if I have any subtle reaction that I am not directing.

 

So, I am grateful that there was communication around this point so that I could realize how I had changed my voice tonality and how I was imposing myself in order to get things done ‘my way’ yet coming through as a form of support. Now this is why it becomes tricky to look at it as something to keep an eye on for people like me that tend to be a bit too focused on controlling others or expecting others to do things the same way I do them or deal with them, yet at the same time I have to be very clear on seeing whether I am expecting, wanting or needing a particular outcome which becomes this ‘nagging’ force behind my words and expression, and that’s the point that I had to walk through in writing for myself, where I had to ask myself what was my self-interest point in that situation? What was I expecting? What was I desiring? What did I have to let go of and in doing so, genuinely understand and embrace another person in the totality of who they are and how they walk their own living process? Which was quite revealing and settling for myself to do.

 

However the bottom line here is how I got to remind myself how many times I want thing to be done in a specific way, having certain expectations of how things can be ‘worked through’ and believe that if ‘this’ works for me, then it ‘should work for you too’ – when the reality of the situation is that in that, I am making of my process, my own understanding and self-honesty a formula that I am trying to impose onto others and in that, forgetting about each individual’s unique process, awareness and development of their own solutions in life based on each one’s particular and unique living experience. That’s that! I am seeing how more and more comparison and judgment are one of the main ways in which I tend to become very absolutist, extremist and forget about truly seeing, understanding and embracing others in who they are/as they are/what they are.

 

What I see then is that I require to learn to not immediately go into the ‘do as I did’ mentality or ‘do as I have proven to myself something works’ because there are no real formulas in learning to walk through our minds and living our lives, no matter how similar each one of us might be, we cannot ever really copy and paste solutions with one another, nor expect similar results at all. This also comes as a relevant detail to share here considering that many of us walking the Desteni Process share our realizations, our practical solutions – yet, they are all but references, paths, ways, methods that may or may not assist others, yet in sharing them it is simply realizing that each individual has a particular way to get from point A to point B in self-change, and the variety of ways and methods will most likely be as many as individuals walking their living process, and that’s what’s also cool about learning from each other, referencing writings and solutions, so that we can then ultimately come up with our own ways and methods and grow the network of supportive words to create solutions in our lives, which are very much needed.

 

I also realized how I have to be patient, flexible and understanding of how other people walk through their own points and in that, understand what it means to be supportive without imposing myself/my ways/ my methods. If anything I can only share how I have walked similar points, but in that, I have to also make sure that my sharing is not coming from a desire of another person ‘taking it on’ and following it to the T and get the same result… nope, that’s not how life works.

What this opened up is how there have been times where I had made of my own application of self-honesty almost a religion, a one way or the highway look at life and walking through our challenges, patterns or limitations ‘as they come’ and ‘in the moment’ or ‘right now’ which sure, some people can do, but not everyone has to, not everyone is at that space and moment in their lives to do so either.

Therefore I had to ask myself, what is the rush to push something onto someone this way? The answer is a desire for a person to realize certain things, potentials and obviously have to check what kind of self-interest or personal benefit would I get from such ‘instant application’ – or what am I fearing in case it’s not ‘happening’? So that I can be clear and devoid of expectations or hidden agendas.

I also have to consider that whenever I push any realization or suggestion of ‘what to do’ onto anyone, I can also be preventing them from being their own drive and decision to move, change or align certain aspect in their lives –  I realize that it comes through as a push that can prevent the other person from realizing it themselves, and rather understanding that there’s a pace, a space and time for each person to decide how they want to walk their process and their life, I cannot really force or rush anything as such.

From this I realize I can bring things to someone’s awareness, so as to prevent further misunderstandings or an unnecessary escalation of assumptions leading to conflicts, which is why communication is so relevant at all times when even the most ‘subtle’ movements come up within oneself in relation to another person.  So, I definitely have to keep on practicing my understanding and consideration towards others, to be patient and generally ‘slow down’ when it comes to wanting to ‘process something’ and ‘get it done/out of the way’ in a rushed manner, which is more of an approach that comes from a lack of understanding of how life takes place, which is moment by moment… can’t really rush anything and no matter how much one can write about the point or matter in the moment, there will still be a process that unfolds in real time – space and time – to actually live the changes, so, I definitely have to chill with this ‘rush’ to get things done asap.

If I look at it from my personal perspective, I would also feel pressured if someone came to tell me what to do and how to walk through a point, and it is quite interesting that I had not seen that within myself as something I would not want for myself, yet it was disguised as an idea of support where I wasn’t in fact considering other people and their ways, methods and relationship with themselves in my usual ‘push’ to ‘process’ certain things, so that’s where self-honesty and this process, as much as there are common principles and tools, suggested ways and methods, there’s ultimately no cookie-cutter solution that fits-all the same way, and that’s why the principles stand the same, yet the ways and methods are as varied and unique as there are human beings walking it.

What I learn from this is being considerate, understanding and flexible in taking another’s process into consideration, to not fully go ahead of myself and themselves in trying to assist in ways that become an imposition and ultimately a limitation for the process of SELF Realization: it’s personal, it’s individual, it’s unique and cannot be forced or directed by anyone else but oneself. Yep! Seems tautological but! I seem to forget about it, therefore writing it down is the way to integrate these realizations as well.

In that, I take it back to self, being able to trust myself in walking my own points, sharing how I’ve done mine without an expectation of others to do it ‘the same way’, but to have a simple reference of the many ways that our lives can be lived, redirected and recreated. Mine is one way, but there are as many ways as there are human beings in this life and that’s then the individuality in equality.

 

We all walk the same process but each one’s is entirely unique and that’s what makes it so fascinating because then the beauty of getting to know someone implies also getting to know how they decide to take on points of change in their life, how they are discovering things about themselves, how they face particular challenges, what they decide to live on as a solution, what worked for them, what didn’t work and so forth, and that’s what I find actually fascinating, more so than me wanting to push certain ‘solutions’ right away, which is by all means limiting and unnecessary – done deal, lol.

 

So in this, patience is a key word for me and understanding, because I tend to jump ahead into seeing how a plus b equals c, why not doing it right now? Instead of realizing that not everyone operates in this way and that I can also consider being more flexible and gentle with myself when I sometimes also approach a point of self-investigation in an attempt to ‘get it all done’ in one go, which is not really possible or even desirable because then again, the drive and desire that’s driving this investigation is ‘to get it done’ and wanting to be living a result, but in that, I’m missing out myself as the living process of developing the solution, learning from my mistakes, understanding the space and time it takes to create solutions and the enjoyment there is in getting to know how others approach similar situations as well, which becomes also a way to expand myself.

 

So in terms of facing a point within me, I realize I can trust myself in seeing whether I can direct it in the moment or have to let it brew so to speak, let it develop, sometimes let it be until I can see what a particular experience, reaction or pattern is all about, instead of immediately wanting to ‘tackle it’ which comes with this rush and fear of creating consequences or fear of making mistakes or not getting a desired outcome, etc. and that self-interest is ultimately what creates all of this ‘subtle’ yet very noticeable movement within that becomes a rigidity, a stiffness… now I know it’s the me that wants to control and then I know I have to ask myself basic questions to see what I have to consider, understand, let go of, embrace and move into a point of consideration towards others.

 

What becomes relevant with this realization as well is how with this consideration of giving myself space and time to actually ‘walk’ the process of self-change and self-creation, at the same time I am aware that I can trust myself in actually doing it, so as to not go into the extreme of being too lax about it or not actively being ‘on it’- without forcing it. As with everything, it’s a fine balance to not go into the extremes, so what I became aware of is the extreme of push, force and imposition that a point of intended support can come with – even more so when there are hidden agendas that I have to sort out for myself first – instead of giving space and time for self-creation and self-realization, not only towards others but starting within myself first of all. Yep! Not the first time I share about this control and imposition point, but I rather write it out again so that it stays fresh in my awareness as well, because essentially process is walked in every moment, so can’t be really ‘done’ with something if new dimensions/aspects of one pattern or personality open up in a different situation or with a different person than before, so in that sense each opportunity again is unique to look at these points.

 

A great audio support that I recommend checking out to understand more about these ‘mini-possession’ moments is Living Nightmare: Background Noise Possessions at Eqafe.com, which has a lot to do with these interactions and communication in relationships, so that we can support each other to not escalate an experience within us, but can assist one another in becoming aware of it so that each one can then decide how to take the point on and walk through it.

 

Thanks for reading

 

 Individuality in Equality

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


597. Embracing My Mind

Be humble in your relationship to the mind, humbleness meaning to walk it in understanding and consideration, it’s like this beast that you gotta tame. And approaching the beast with an attacking egotistical superiority is going to just unsettle it even more, so take it easy, walk it slowly but surely, take it day by day, breath by breath. And if anything, your process in your relationship to energy, especially in your daily participation is something I would really focus on because it is primarily through energy and energy experience that the mind gets you. That consciousness will move your awareness from the physical into the mind, it uses energy.” Mykey – Demons in the Afterlife – Part 11

 

I’m going to open up some points and realizations and practical test-outs that I’ve gathered from various sources like Mykey’s description above of the humbleness required in our relationship with our mind, and the description of how we’ve been fighting against stress in our lives while also not challenging ourselves explained in this Eqafe.com interview Senility, Dementia, and Alzheimer’s (Part 2) – Psychological & Physical Disorders – as well as seeing a picture of one of my favorite artists/singers with a caption saying ‘Embrace the mess that you are’ and also some of Ido Portal’s interview which I’m also enjoying quite a bit because there are a lot of points that open up parallels to walking this mind-being-body process as well, which relate to the form of movement that we have to also create in order to develop anything, to change anything, to challenge ourselves and the effort, consistency, discipline it takes to do so.

Something that we tend to do is fight those aspects that we dislike of ourselves, or become uncomfortable with getting to acknowledge the ‘truth’ of ourselves as the reality, of that which we’ve become but that we’ve become so used to masking, disguising in all kinds of ways to make it seem ‘better’ in our eyes than what it is – and this is mostly because of wanting to keep a certain ‘idea’ of ourselves as perfect, flawless, never wrong, always right, honorable, ‘immaculate’ and so forth, well at least these are some of the ideas I’ve had to debunk about myself which were the perfect ‘shields’ for me to not even question certain things or experiences about me that I actually was wanting to hold on to because of the ‘pleasure’ I derived from them in a very ‘sneaky’ manner so to speak.

Though interestingly enough I’ve found that the more I get ‘down and dirty’ with myself in all kinds of ways – yep don’t allow your mind to run rampant with that idea though! – I find that I become the most comfortable, more raw and honest with myself where I have been throughout this past year – more so than ever before – being really willing to let go of this ‘effigy’ I had created about me/who I am or what I seem ‘to be for others’ which was a huge thing in me as well, like having this idea of myself as a ‘politician’ in a way that had to keep a certain image at all times.

I now know exactly where this comes from – as a result of the many writings about it to open this point up – and how I developed this idea of self, which has to do with yes having been taught to behave a certain ways in certain social contexts and seeing how my family would relate to others etc. And here it’s just an acknowledgement, not at all judging or blaming, but an understanding – and so what I became was this very stiff, rigid, inflexible, ever ‘strong’ version of myself that had to appear in a certain manner all the time – and this goes as far as my first ‘big contact’ with peers in the first day of school in wanting to take on this idea of myself as strong, not weak, superior, ‘not showing emotions’ and all kinds of things that of course now I’ve been able to identify and so decide to open up myself more and share who I am in a vulnerable, natural, open, raw version of myself that to say the least has become a very enjoyable process to integrate as myself and so share with others in my life too.

I was talking with a friend the other day and he mentioned how he had this very shocking dream where he had killed someone and everyone noticed that ‘the killed person’ was missing and he started to get very stressed out and fearful about the idea of having the corpse in a bag and not being able to do anything with it, not being able to compress the body of evidence into non-existence. He freaked out about the images, the scene, the very ‘act of killing’ itself, so I suggested to not dwell on the imagery of it, the gory details of it so to speak, but to focus on his experience, which is that of suddenly becoming aware of what he had done, trying to hide it, getting fearful about facing consequence, being caught by others, eventually maybe having to admit having done such a thing (in the dream of course) and I simply suggested to take it back to himself to see/write out where in his life is he having this kind of experience towards some parts of him that he is fearing to admit, to see, to embrace. I left it at that. He is on his 21 days of stopping smoking weed and of course suppressions are popping up and I understand how that kind of changes can suddenly open up Pandora’s box within self, but it’s quite cool to know that he’s taking on the writing as a source of self-reference.  Though I could notice there was some fear, disgust, aghast experience about the dream, where he then became more unsettled about such ‘truth’ of himself that he might not even be aware of instead of simply getting to know himself, to understand it, which is also part of being humble to our minds, our truth, ourselves: not to fear it or resist it, but embrace it with all its ‘doom and gloom’ in it, we created it so there’s nothing to ‘fear’ in it, nothing is really ‘unknown’ to us, only out of our awareness.

I also watched a documentary about a band and how they said they had to become ‘fearless’ in their way to continue walking their lengthy career, having some pivotal changes in their lineup, having ‘core members’ leaving, having rejection towards the new members, testing out new things but their decision to persevere, keep going no matter what has turned them into a long-standing band with some 30 years of history now behind them, which is quite a merit and example for many more as well.

The word ‘fearlessness’ was mentioned a few times and it stuck with me, which is also something Ido explains is a very normal function in humans – practical fears enable us to survive, to be aware, cautious, make decisions to ‘keep ourselves alive’ of course – however there’s also the point of being taken over by fear completely nowadays where we’ve allowed it to override everything we are and do, to the point that we are now limiting ourselves extensively because of fearing ourselves and each other… a world dominated by fear in fact.

So, in this process of self-change, self-awareness, self-creation I find it very supportive to walk a process of self-forgiveness in order to identify all those things that we fear about ourselves. I remember writing out each and every other fear I had in my mind in the beginning of my process, man, the list was immense but I knew I was a very fearful person – and I am continuing walking through them – but the point here is admitting to oneself those fears, deliberately creating that acceptance and comfort of the ‘uncomfortable’ at first, admitting to oneself those actual thoughts, words and deeds that we have defined as bad, evil, wrong and Embrace them.

This is a keyword right here, to Embrace myself because the actual living of the word implies I cannot judge it, compare it, define the totality of myself in relation to ‘a few points’ that I become aware of – I instead write it out to understand it, to get to know ‘how’ and ‘why’ I became such personalities, patterns, experiences within me, what was it within me that enabled that and within doing so, I am more taking a position of learning about myself, observing myself yet not creating a reaction to it and making it personal. Sure, it’s not as easy as it sounds, it has taken me years to walk through certain points that I was quite ashamed of myself to even ‘talk about’ to myself about them and through sharing about them openly with a few people, it has assisted me to also let go of the ‘hold’ I had towards it all as something that I apparently could ‘never forgive myself for.’

Of course in that it is to be considerate of who we share with such very personal points, always in common sense, but I find it very supportive to have someone in your life with whom you can open up and lay those points out in writing, in conversations, creating that safe space for self-support in relationships which is one of the benefits we have as human beings to create, develop and nurture each other within the context of relationships where two or more beings decide to share themselves, open themselves in order to assist each other in that very personal process of self-creation and self-change.

And if this is something that is not yet ‘here’ as a potential for you to be comfortable with in terms of opening up with others, then it means that there’s some self-work to first do within self, to start developing that self-relationship first, and to me this came through writing within a self-honest starting point which means pushing through to see the ‘truth’ of myself, even if I wanted to hide behind my chair to not type it out or see it ‘for what it is’, pushing through to lay it out and embrace those things I was ashamed for in my life, all those things I thought would leave me ‘powerless’ or ‘losing my mojo’ in a way lol, or where I believed I would become this ‘lifeless being’ if giving up my craving for certain things that gave me an ‘energy high,’ which I ended up realizing where actually the chains and shackles I had enslaved myself to as ‘reasons to live’ or ‘points of motivation’ in separation of myself.

I decided to place myself through all of those uncomfortable spots through writing, through being honest with myself and all I can say is that the ‘bitter taste’ is only momentary, the rest of what one gets out of the box and opened up creates an actual ‘flow’ within oneself. It’s as if bit by bit I went ‘disentangling’ myself from my plethora of fears, judgments, limitations – and still am doing so – and with each point I went opening up, it was like opening up a window to let the air flow, or digging more ground for a river to flow wider… that kind of ‘liberation’ in fact, which I was reflecting about yesterday with regards to a particular point I tested myself with in letting go of something that I had to admit would give me an ‘energy high’ and within doing the actual change and decision to ‘let go of it’ in that moment, I realized that I was apparently letting go of a very automated ‘fix’ I had created in particular contexts, but I reminded myself instead of the actual integrity, self-respect, honor that I created instead for myself in that moment and towards others implied in the situation as well.

What did I have to practically do? Instead of fearing placing myself in such ‘tempting’ position so to speak, I decided to create it, to embrace myself in that moment and learn to see ‘who I am’ in that moment. I saw the energy movement taking a position in my body, I saw how the justifications opened up in order to ‘go for it’, I saw how ‘natural’ this had become for me to act on this experience without giving ‘too much thought’ into it before – and it was quite fascinating to stand in that point in the moment and what I practically did was the following:

– I decided to consider the consequential outflows of me acting out on this ‘impulse’ I had which I became aware of was existing as energy, there was no substance to it, just an ‘impulse’ that If I had given too many thoughts into it, I would have ended up convincing myself of just ‘doing it’ or ‘going for it’ – neverminding the outflows, the aftermath and consequence which is what I decided to remind myself of in that moment in order to not ‘go for it’ or not ‘move’ myself under the influence of this impulse/energy as desire.

It was quite cool because I was able to see it, stand in it, feel how it ‘feels’ and feel how I could go either two ways: get myself to heighten the experience if I would have given more of an opening to it or stick to my conscious decision I had laid out before of ‘who I decide to be/do’ in those moments of defined ‘temptation’. Therefore,

– I decided to remind myself that I would not be able to live with myself if I would give into that experience and act on this impulse driven by an energetic experience defined as desire. And within reminding myself of this and how I had essentially made the ‘same mistake’  a few times in the past, I decided to stand strong in my resolve to let go of it, to not ‘go for it,’ to discipline myself to ‘stand my ground’ not as defensive, defiant or antagonistic to my desire, but through having ‘immersed’ myself for a moment in it, seeing, it understanding it, get a ‘feel’ for it as the energy it was where as I said there was no other ‘substance’ to it other than the remembrance of ideas, beliefs of perceptions of ‘acting out on the energy feeling good.’ And that’s it… never ever having considered the actual implications, consequences of acting out on it, what I would cause as conflict or consequences for it, which would eventually lead me to become very dependent of ‘recreating’ the same experience one way or another, becoming subject to an experience, becoming subject to a ‘feeling good’ sensation only – and that’s what I decided to no longer be.

So all of this happened in a couple of minutes and then I decided to breathe myself into stability and fully decide to let it go, to not act on it and physically stabilize myself so that I would no longer be in this ‘heightened’ experience – and even if it ‘kept coming up’ or ‘being triggered,’ I would then repeat some of the above mentioned points of reminding myself of the consequence, of deciding to live honor, integrity, self-respect in those moments which means to me not ‘giving up’ on myself for a fleeting energy, but to test who I am within it, see with clarity the starting point, the context, the factors that I led myself to in order to face such point and then be able to come out on the other side of it having in a way yes ‘tamed,’ controlled, directed myself to not give into it.

See, maybe a few months ago I would have still feared myself in terms of believing I would not have self-control or that I should not even place myself in certain situations, but in a way I created the context and then realized that I can in fact stand and stick to my decisions to not give into this desire and what I gained from that is the satisfaction of having simply done that which is best for all, that which I know creates and expands my integrity, my self-respect and honor to myself and everyone else involved whether they were aware of it or not. And that’s what I decide to make the new matter to me.

Also it was quite cool for me to open this point up and reflect on it, see it within clarity and share it, communicate it as is because it becomes a way to debunk this ‘secret mind’ that I’ve kept for quite some time as ‘who I am’ because of in a way wanting to still hold on to that kind of ‘thrill’ or ‘power’ or ‘experience’ which boils down to energy that in fact tampers with the ability to simply express, enjoy, embrace and appreciate myself and others without attempting to ‘get an energetic experience from it’ – which is what we’ve become very ‘addicted’ to – and instead embrace the interactions in their simplicity, without any hidden agendas, without any ‘suppressions’ either, but simply understanding what comes up as ‘desire’ for example for a particular experience, seeing it, holding it, becoming it for a moment, not fearing to ‘get lost’ in it but keeping the focus on making that crucial decision to let go of it and in that moment decide ‘who I decide to be’ in the face of that experience or ‘temptation’ I created for myself in a way.

And that’s how I would define an experience of ‘embracing’ the whole of myself, not fearing to ‘have no control’ of myself, but to rather use the opportunities, situations, experiences as playgrounds for me to see ‘who I am’ in those situations, in essence creating my own test-drives so to speak to see if my written process and the commitments, corrections and solutions I’ve set for myself are practical enough for me to actually change in that moment.  And I did, it was in me all along, that ability to decide to not go for the ‘quick fix’ of an energetic experience, and seeing once again that I can in fact live beyond that and not really ‘lose’ anything other than an energetic experience, but instead gain self-respect, confidence, self-trust, self-integrity and honesty. In this I am also learning to see interactions with other people without wanting to get a ‘fix’ from it, which had become very underlying and common way to do so before in my life.

Ok! I had a very simple idea to start this blog, I ended up expanding it too much, well, it is what it is, I still find it quite a challenge stay in a few words… maybe I have to stop judging it or trying to ‘battle’ against the extension of these blogs and simply let myself be in it. It is how it is and comes out for now

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Face Your Demons

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


586. Standing One’s Ground through Tough Times

Or discussing the latest Eqafe interview The Moment of Change (Part 1) – Back to Basics and how I can relate to what is shared in it.

 

In this recording Moment of Change (Part 1) – Back to Basics I specifically can relate to the point of Joe consciously deciding to walk through a certain ‘low’ or a ‘rough time’ in his life while remaining grounded in his core as he described it, even though yes, he was going through these experiences that he was aware did not represent ‘the normalcy of how he is’ but were in fact a state of depression or a low, a wanting to give up, a feeling sad, etc. while also being aware of how he would eventually have to step out of it or ‘snap out of it’ or ‘drop it’, which is what he describes in the audio in detail in terms of how he did it and I very much recommend checking it out.

I can relate to having gone through a very similar experience in my life in the past months this year after a relationship breakup where it became obvious that I had to go through a process of self-forgiving, letting go, understanding it, clearing myself up from the situation in order to keep going on with my life. Yet even though it seemed almost like a ‘nightmare’ at the time with what I had to suddenly wake-up to and change in my life, I also consider I had this ‘core’ within myself that I could trust myself with and ‘fall back on’ no matter ‘what’ I had to walk through like parting ways, going through that separation process, letting everyone know about it, getting adjusted to being alone again etc., which is definitely a gift that one creates for oneself within walking the Desteni I Process in – as I like to say it – ‘arming’ ourselves with living tools to face whatever comes our way, whatever we actually create in our lives and so learn from the consequences and situations, the experiences that might be indeed sour times, rough times, low times – yet, no matter how ‘low’ one seems to go, one knows that the only way forward is keep pushing through and back again onto the surface after ‘touching rock bottom’ in a way.

I also through that month after the breakup, made sure that even though I felt like wanting to ‘disconnect’ from everything and everyone for a moment to immerse myself in my ‘painful’ experience, I instead decided to keep in line with my responsibilities and consistency points that I’ve committed myself to do, which in retrospective was actually very, very supportive for me to keep in line with, because that discipline and continuity in my relationship of responsibility and duties towards others and in my world kept me afloat so to speak, even if I knew that yes I wasn’t in my 100% self and had some really ‘low’ moments that I also tended to judge myself for, like ‘why is this still coming up in me?’ after having done lots of writing about it and applying self-forgiveness, until I realized that I simply had to allow myself to walk through the experience, to let it all out and not judge myself for it, which is something that is also shared in a similar way in the audio, where we have to at times go through the experience, get to know ourselves in it while always knowing that we know who we really are and what our stable consistent self is, and so not judge ourselves for having a ‘rough time’ at times.

So in a way how I decided to not make of my personal process something that would affect my relationship to others, though this also came a bit through noticing the consequences of doing so. In a moment when I did catch myself kind of lashing out towards those nearest to me at the time, I saw how there was some anger point coming through that I needed to sort out within myself, because that’s definitely something that at least I’ve seen how I’ve tended to do where we let it all out towards those that are closest to us, that ‘know us the most’ and in that moment I was able to notice it and recognize it, be humble about it and rather explain to the person how yes, I was going through this rough time and I apologized for my reaction towards them. Point was sorted, and then went on to open up how this ‘process works!’ in a blog entitled that way as well.

In my case, this process lasted around a month after the breakup, of going through the missing and letting go and the sadness that comes with realizing that something didn’t work out as planned, and also having to walk through with letting go of ‘what others would say’ about it, or believing I had to overcome this ‘faster’ or anything like that. I’d say it was the other way around wherein in the past, I would experience breakups as a much more difficult thing to go through in my life and I would spend months and yep sometimes years walking through it, but this time with dedication, determination, consistency and also allowing myself to ‘go through the experience’ in a conscious decision, as it was also explained in this supportive audio linked above, I managed to step out of it along with the support of others walking this process as well which is also why being part of the Desteni community is awesome in the whole extent of the word, as in supportive, understanding and sometimes yes, standing as a very much needed reminder of where one’s self-honesty is at.

I still check myself till these days after a few months now to see where am I in relation to this phase of my life and still clear up anything that might slightly or subtly come up, as with anything that we walk, but I’m quite satisfied in how I walked it through which I actually shared in past blogs during  the past months as well.

Ok so, that’s my story, check out Joe’s story as well as an example of what it means to walk this process and find your feet back on the ground after a period of kind of ‘losing ourselves,’ yet knowing that we are ‘in it’ and also trusting ourselves that we know our way back until one moment we decide to simply ‘snap out of it’ and finally let it go in a self-forgiving and learning way.

Thanks for reading!

 

Check out both parts of the same discussion now available:

The Moment of Change (Part 1) – Back to Basics

The Moment of Change (Part 2) – Back to Basics

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


578. Shedding the Past and Creating the New

Or sharing some of the process involved in giving myself authority to create the new version of me that I can be proud of living in

Something that I’ve become aware of is a hindrance to creating the new within us is keeping ourselves captive to our own words, thoughts, emotions, feelings as memories of ‘who we have been’ and believing that we don’t have the authority to step out of that and create for ourselves a fresh start every day. As simple as it might sound, it seems that we create our own limitations based on ‘who we have been’ and ‘how we’ve always done things’ and ‘how we’ve always behaved’ and believe that there’s no way around this, that this is ‘it’ and we have to carry our burdens for a lifetime. That’s definitely not so.

 I’ve discovered through walking this process with Desteni that I have been able to reinvent myself and slowly but surely give myself the authority to actually become the person I many times envisioned I would ‘like to be’ but, somehow in my mind, had believed ‘I didn’t have it in me’ to become the kind of person I would mostly admire when it comes to women or be attracted to when it comes to males, because that’s the way that I was identifying all the aspects/words/potentials that I saw others living in their lives. Yet at the same time, I would think of myself as ‘not having what it takes’ to ‘pull that off’ so to speak… who decides? I was, in my mind existing in fears, ideas, limitations, thinking what will ‘others say about this/that,’ ‘that would be so out of character for me to do’ and all other kinds of ideas, beliefs and justifications adorning fears to actually give myself an opportunity to reinvent myself, to create myself anew.

This sounds like a ‘transcendental’ process in fact and it might be to a certain extent, but it isn’t really something that complex when one realizes the ability we have to ‘step out of the preprogrammed ways’ in every moment of our lives, it is as simple as that, we just sometimes or ‘usually’ fear ‘the unknown’ that comes with it instead of realizing that we can trust ourselves to become the new, test it out, live it out and see if it is in fact supportive and beneficial for oneself or not and go back to the drawing board to test out something different instead.

I was chatting with a friend yesterday and we were talking about our past as ‘the Grinch kind of people’ that would be ‘anti’ everything: anti-capitalists, anti-consumerism, anti-social, anti-government, anti-politics and the rest of it, which was interesting to see how much we could relate to seeing how many doors we closed in our lives because of standing in such position of ‘this is who I am, it is the right way, it is the just way/the right way and whatever I say will help you to wake up!’ which interestingly enough he also mentioned this could have assisted some to ‘open eyes’ to investigate reality – which surely, can be so to a certain extent – but I also shared how in my process, I had to ask myself ‘who am I’ within such stance/what’s my starting point in it within such criticism and ‘awakened’ type of mentality I was carrying as myself, and how I had found a lot of antagonism, criticism, rebelliousness, superiority, righteousness and in essence creating a ‘fight against the world’ that led me to become a misanthrope at times, which all comes from an arrogant superiority believing myself to be ‘corrected’ already, instead of seeing that I was still then being part of the problem, being only criticizing, judging but not really proposing any ways to change things, starting within myself.

“How did you manage to change?” he asked and I shared that it was part of this same process of self-support with Desteni, getting to understand my responsibility to it all to no longer stand ‘against’ everything and everyone, but to apply understanding, to rather find ways to better relate to each other, to find the common ground even in our plethora of disparities and opinions/judgments/beliefs and all of those things that have come to separate us even if they only exist in our minds.

That’s how I shared that even though I had focused a lot on possible changes at a political and economic level, the ball kept falling back again and again on the front of individual self-change, and how the nature of the system is nothing else but the nature of the relationships we have forged ‘against’ – currently – one another, and how with people taking responsibility for that self-change first, then the idea of a ‘new system’ becomes more plausible. He agreed with that, even though in his own path he’s also contributing within the economic realm at a local level, he considered again how relevant it is for us to yes, be informed, educate ourselves about the nature of the systems, the potential solutions and the rest of it – but not to forget about that inner/self-change, a change of mind, a change of consciousness so to speak which to him is more in the sense of ‘getting more in touch with yourself’ which surely is a growing trend I’d say, and it’s great in whichever ways people find it supportive.

There’s this song that starts saying ‘to change the world is to change personal perspective’ and it is so, I’ve been seeing for myself what it is to stop seeing the eyes through the ‘giving up on myself/humanity’ eyes where everything seemed gloomy, dismal, pointless, depressed, angry, antagonistic… because I was projecting my own experience onto everyone else and I wasn’t even aware of it. Whereas now through having walked my own experiences related to only seeing ‘the bad’ in the world, all the problems, all that’s ‘out of place’ according to me, the actual change emerged when I was able to give myself this openness, this opportunity to change me, to breakthrough, to create myself ‘anew’, to create and work on my potential and to stop holding myself as a victim to my own past, but instead embrace the potentials I can forge in my life.

This is also why self-forgiveness comes into play as a key tool to do this, because no one will give us this permission, no one else will give us ‘the green light’ we keep waiting for, but ourselves. We have to stand as that authority itself. I’ve been testing this out for myself and breaking my own ‘oaths’ that I thought I could not ever step back from in my absolutist mindset. Like saying ‘I will shave my head for the rest of my life’ and breaking that set of words that to me was something I had to stick to because ‘I said so and I cannot backup from that!’ and in that become an absolutist by my own will, instead of being self-honest about what would be most practical and ‘normal’ thing to do for me… that was a huge part of creating this new phase within me as well, of letting go of my own dictatorship and break my own rules so to speak, to decide to ‘create the next phase’ of self-creation and no one else was going to do it for me! I had to decide and do it for myself.

The same with saying ‘I won’t ever do this/that,’ well I’ve found myself doing it and testing who I am within it and then assess what is best for me or not, but no longer create an ‘unbreakable’ idea of myself that became so rigid, so authoritarian and absolutist that became my own invisible cage in which I thought I was comfortably living in. Might be a point of a comfort zone indeed, there’s a false sense of security when sticking to ‘the good old’ apparently, but I’ve found that this is a great lie we tell ourselves. With time this becomes a hindrance, a great limitation and a great source of bitterness and dissatisfaction because deep within ourselves we are aware we could live in an enjoyable manner, we could do things differently, we could Live differently altogether and be the way that we ‘dreamed’ ourselves of living as, and when we don’t dare to do it, we go day by day cementing all the reasons, justifications, fears and excuses of why we apparently ‘can’t do it’ – that’s the illusion to break through, to push through and give ourselves that creative authority to create the new.

So, to answer to my friend, I said that the most significant change emerged when I changed within myself and so started seeing people/humanity/the world and its potential. This was not such an ‘easy’ thing to do initially due to how ingrained all of my personalities, perspectives, ‘ways of being’ were all attached to me holding this defeatism as myself and so projecting it towards the world, to the point of having preferred everything to just ‘be gone’ in one moment than me giving myself a chance to see and work with the potentials, which is what I am focusing on now. Also, making it simple, not trying to engulf the whole world in my own hands and try and do ‘everything’ or try to ‘change the world out there’ – but take my own life, walk through my own limitations, expand myself and what I’ve been ‘doing’ and going breaking my own barriers that way, little by little, one step at a time as it is said.

The benefits of doing this for myself is the definition of actual freedom, which is interestingly enough related to push through wanting to ‘go through the easy way out’ or through ‘the route of less effort’ and instead, see the benefits that come with actually dedicating ourselves to get to know who we are, seeing our flaws, our problems, our ‘weaknesses’ and start deciding and working on how can we start changing all of those aspects that we dislike about ourselves that are holding us captive to a decadent past.

There are many ways to do this, I can only speak of and recommend the one that I’ve walked and continue applying in my day to day living, which is the Desteni I Process and the community of support that we are all as Desteni, supporting, sharing, learning from each other to expand and grow together as years go by, to walk this process that -even if being apart by long distances – know that we got each other to share what we go through, to assist each other in understanding the practical ways to walk through this, because let’s be honest: doing this process of change is not a ‘common thing’ in this world as of yet – it’s sort of getting there but not yet – so being part of a supportive community makes a complete difference to it, in essence,  you know you’re not alone in doing it no matter how ‘far’ we are from each other and that’s comforting as well, a sense of brotherhood is created and knowing that from the ‘few’ we might be right now, there are the many to awaken to this potential in all of us and join in, in whichever way or form they decide to do so. It’s happening, this is the new way of living, and we are the only ones that can decide to start doing so for ourselves.

Thanks for reading.

And! Watch this hangout that I had with Garb as well, it was very cool to share our perspectives on redefining and living words, all of it based on the great source of support that Eqafe.com is

Eqafe Hangout: How to Stop Overcomplicating Redefining & Living Words.

Also this series to learn how to support ourselves/each other, learning to see the potential in each other rather than bringing us down constantly

Perspective Vs Interpretation – Reptilians – Part 565

Perspective Versus Interpretation (Part 2) – Reptilians – Part 566

The As Is Glasses – Reptilians – Part 567

 Artwork022

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


574. Embracing Maturity

Or deciding to accept the fruits of self-work as a consistent self-created quality in me

 

In the recent weeks I was able to notice some petty things that I still would ‘get me out of my center’ so to speak, where something as simple as rolling my eyes about a certain comment or situation that I would physically – by rolling eyes – judge as either ‘bothering’ or ‘too obvious already’ or in a moment of being shown my limitations became a playful moment where in seeing myself through another’s eyes, I became aware of this pattern that I’ve been living as a form of reminiscence of the ‘teenage me’ that is represented by having to ‘oppose’ something, being antagonistic or judgmental of things that aren’t standing in alignment with a particular personality I am embodying in a moment. Sounds a bit complex so, an example: if someone is bringing up a subject in me that I have created a strong opinion on, and that other person expresses something that goes ‘against that belief’ I have on it, then rolling my eyes would be a way to kind of say ‘ah well I disagree/that’s you not me/yeah whatever’ and in that moment I am not really being the considerate and understanding me, but I am instantly putting on this ‘suit’ of personality where I have limited myself quite a bit in a particular ‘way of thinking,’ which I was able to see with more clarity recently.

Another point is where I am of course at a point in life where time passes by and I am no longer the ’21 year old’ that was sharing her turmoil in life and all the rocky ups and downs of my experience – not to judge here an age though, but in my case it’s been 9 years and naturally things have progressed since then – which I realize I don’t have to ‘stick to’ as a way to feel that I’m still not ‘self-aware’ enough or that I still have some ‘personality traits’ to process, when I know that it simply requires me to let go of those limitations as habits and step into the potential of myself, which is devoid of such ‘inner troubles.’

Something else that apparently was ‘opposed’ to living maturity is ‘childish’ expression that I have at times judged or denied, but at the same time I’ve used it as a way to not give that ‘next step’ in my life, which opened up with looking at the word Maturity and embracing it in me, which is definitely ‘here’ in the way that I experience myself and in how I’m now seeing me, my life and my way forward in life.

Throughout this whole process with Desteni, I’ve been very much aware of all of the personalities that I had built as ‘myself’ and worked through them for the most part, though with that comes responsibility as well, a ‘next step’ in self-growth that will surely come with changes in life, making more self-aware decisions and in essence taking my life more seriously than before, which is where this ‘teenage me’ wanted to remain as, where I could still have some ‘leeway’ to not be entirely embodying a word such as maturity, because in a way I consider we all fear fully embodying that responsibility, fully stepping into the ‘creator’-suit and live the authority it implies which comes with full responsibility as well.

How I see it is that in this idea of being a ‘teenager’ or someone that is ‘not ready yet’ or ‘not ripe yet’, we create a comfort zone to – excuse the words – but fuck around with our potential, where we still want to remain like ‘children’ in a way where we don’t have to fully take our whole lives into our hands, and remain with a veil of conflict, of ‘not knowing,’ of ‘uncertainty,’ of ‘hardship’ and ‘foolishness’ but not the expressive one, but more like the denial of one’s capability to fully grow, expand, be ‘ripe’ and so mature as a result of what one has walked, worked and understood through something like this process of self-awareness and self-change as I’ve done with Desteni and the Desteni tools.

It is funny how I had many times projected this ‘teenage experience’ onto ‘humanity out there’ without fully taking the point back to myself to see how and in what ways I was still living this same ‘fear’ of ‘growing up’ to actually be the best that I know I can in every moment of my life and own my creation.

Interestingly enough, as much as I know I can fully take that position of living Maturity, there is a slight noise in the back of my head that would want to remain in this ‘lesser’ version of me, which is absolutely ludicrous, but that’s how we’ve conditioned ourselves to never fully step into the creative authority we can in fact live by, but still have this ‘leeway,’ this ‘gray area’ to remain ‘in the process’ eternally, to apparently ‘never be ready’ or never be fully ‘ripe’ to live to our fullest capacity, and that’s nothing else but self-manipulation coming in the ways of resistance and fears.

Now, some of the things I had to dispel from the word maturity is the idea that I would have to become ‘rigid’ or ‘stoic’ or ‘serious’ and stop being playful, foolish and fun – lol, it’s actually the other way around in fact, where this whole idea of me having to be serious, rigid, stoic, show ‘no emotion’ and be essentially this ‘poster idea of virtue’ is definitely only a personality that I did live out for most of my life in various ways, in various circles of people and I’m definitely ready to let go of those ideas that I created and so projected back at me as ‘who I am,’ and instead embrace myself, the expression that I see is most congruent with where I currently am in my life and being able to trust myself that whatever I decide to do, is my responsibility, I am aware of my capabilities, skills, my decisions, my weaknesses and strengths as I continue discovering more and more about myself, which is truly a fascinating process to me, even more so when I decide to make a significant change in my life that assists me in stepping out of old-age patterns, like the ones I’ve been describing in previous blogs about morality and this notion of ‘being an example for others’ in a form of personality or ego that became a limitation for me.

So, along with this maturity comes the ability to trust myself to express playfulness, to not let go of that expression that can be very childlike in me yet, this does not mean I cannot embrace this maturity at the same time, because I am the only one that has created such limitations of ‘what I can or should be’ and what I am apparently ‘not able to live yet.’

It’s really about deciding to live and embody words and some words like maturity to me are more of an outcome, a result, a consequence of various years now of self-work and giving me the right to recognize it as myself, the fruit of my work so to speak and stand as it without ego, without pretense or vainglory – but simply as the expression that I see is here as myself, yet I had in a way diminished or ‘covered it up’ to not fully embrace the responsibility that comes with it  – but! I’m definitely ready as I see the liberation and unleashing potential that comes with it.

To me this signifies my ability to choose letting go of ‘pettiness’ when it comes to these little ‘bothers’ that I’ve made a big deal in my life out of thinking that ‘I should still be ‘bothered’ by something’ or that ‘I cannot fully change something’, but, lol, who decides? I do! and I saw how these little ‘botherings’ are connected to personality suits to remain ‘limited’ and ‘diminished’ which makes no sense at all, because when stopping those I could see the mature, confident me that can still ‘roll eyes’ but do so in a playful manner and in awareness, as an expression, no more as an automated reaction based on an actual personality being triggered or accessed in a moment, and that’s what I want to be, someone that is ‘limitless’ in expression yet knowing every step of the way that ‘who I am’ in such expressions is truly me, in the moment – instead of acting out of mind-patterns and limitations, fears, judgments that I know I can let go of now, I just hadn’t made that full decision to do so yet, which is what I am actively working on currently.

All of this is also part of integrating that concept of ‘creative authority’ and what it means, which to me is like stepping into one’s optimum state and position in life where we can be the best for ourselves and so best for others as a by product of living ‘me’ to the fullest. And when I write this, memories of who I’ve been in the past come up whenever I denied taking that ‘leading role’ or whenever I feared being in the ‘center of the stage’ so to speak in taking a greater responsibility because of not wanting to fully assume my responsibility in it – and only now do I realize that that’s where real fulfillment exists in me, where I satisfy my capacity, where I ‘use’ what I am, the matter I am as life, to the best of my ability.

I also then assist myself in embracing this ‘result’ of self-work in my life, not in an egotistical manner seeking others’ praise and recognition –or as a form of superiority – but entirely accepting it, embracing it as who I am, as a result of something I’ve been putting effort and work on in my life, which makes absolute sense to get to a certain stage of ‘maturity’ in something, a phase of expertise, of gathering more confidence in being effective in something after putting the time and effort into it, instead of believing that I will always remain ‘flawed’ and ‘on the way’ and ‘in process’ of getting to a basic self-stability and fulfillment.

Now, this does not mean I am ‘done’ in any way with any self-creative process, not at all. I consider this that we call ‘the process’ is really a continual thing for the rest of our existence – not even limited to ‘this lifetime’ – so I am not speaking in those terms, but certainly acknowledging the phases that I can in self-honesty assess I’ve walked through, which then opens up the way for what’s next, which is an expansion, growth, more challenges and a ton more to discover, change, learn and fine tune about myself, while also acknowledging these ‘milestones’ in deciding, assessing and recognizing when we are ‘ripe’ within ourselves. Maybe I have been so for some time, but I had not dared to declare it, accept it or embrace it, so this is me placing this word in front of my eyes to embrace it and continue exploring the ways in which I can live it out as who I am and who I want to live and express as myself.

Here I share a supportive couple of audios from Eqafe.com that assisted me to realize this ‘authority’ that we essentially have to give to ourselves. I fully recommend them in order to decide to take that ‘next step’ in self-creation and self-change:

 

Thanks for reading.

 

IMG_6845

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


565. Comfort in Expression

Or looking back at my expression towards others before and where I’m at currently with it thanks to the Desteni Process 

One of the benefits of walking this process is the ability to realize to what extent our relationship to something or someone ‘outside of ourselves’ is entirely dependent on the kind of ‘self-work’ that one has walked. For example upon meeting new people or getting to be in contact with someone I met quite a few years ago for the first time, I saw how comfortable I was in the whole situation and I looked at the point of taking this ‘comfort’ for granted or in a way kind of ‘forgetting about the process’ that I’ve walked to get to this point of what I can define as ‘relatability’ towards other people, whereas before I definitely was the kind of person that would first analyze all the knots and bolts of the person and carefully assess ‘who I should be’ in relation to them and start molding or acting (manipulating myself) accordingly, usually in an attempt to be liked, accepted by them or sometimes to actually ‘shut down’ all forms of possible interaction, which I definitely had done in the past towards certain people as well in my ‘pickiness’ towards others.

I looked at how through understanding and walking the process of self-acceptance, self-expression, taking judgments back to myself and learning to consider others I’ve been able to be quite comfortable in what I deem would have otherwise been a somewhat ‘uncomfortable’ situation in the past, as in being too ‘unpredictable’ to the point where I have no ‘control’ over it and therefore being caught up in a series of fears and ‘what ifs.’ And that’s how I realized that this is not the case ‘this time around’ in my life and I even check myself to see if I am suppressing something or if I am kind of putting up a front or something but nope, there’s no ‘noise’ within me as I would call it, which I would have definitely experienced many times before when interacting with people in a close manner.

That’s how I got to see that through me having been working – and still continue to do so – with my judgments, ideas, beliefs, personalities, characters, suppressions, expressions and essentially ‘everything’ that I had lived as ‘me’ in the past and working on redefining and living the version of myself that I want to be, I’ve been able to definitely change the way that I relate to others and that it definitely stands as the person that in a way I always wanted to be, but I had ‘clogged’ that with a lot of patterns, fears, limitations before, which are all the points that I’ve been walking through these nine years of walking the Desteni Process.

I have simplified and made things like new relationships so much easier in my life, because there are no fears in the background or ‘noise’ related to judgments and even if they appear, I write them out, see them for what they are, establish who I decide to be instead of ‘judgments’ and live the expression, test it out and then see, ah it works! And keep walking to rather focus on living that which is here, it’s me expressing, comfortable, embracing yet continuing to observe myself in relation to other people and being aware of which other points I can look at, change, open up and also communicate to cross-reference my own experience.

I know this might sound a bit abstract for some, but it all has to do with the continued application of the Desteni tools of writing, developing self-honesty, giving myself the gift of self-forgiveness and the actual ‘second chance’ to live life in a different manner through establishing living words.  I’ve been able to see how cool and beneficial it’s been to be working on all the ‘nitty-gritty’ details of myself in order to pave the way for points of self-creation that I can face and work on now with relative ease.

I don’t want to make it all sound ‘too simple’ because what I am currently living and sharing is more like the result of several years of self-dedicated personal investigation, exploration, trial and error situations that I’ve actually learned a lot from and that I am very grateful for, because otherwise I would not be where I am ‘at’ right now.

In any case I share this as well for anyone that may experience walking this process as something that seems to have ‘no end’ or where one cannot get to ‘taste the fruits of the labor’ just yet, and I can say that yes it takes time, it’s not easy at first, it’s very challenging at times in terms of fears, emotions and the rest of ‘growing pains’ that come with it. But one thing is certain: one does get to see the results and reap what one has sown. This is nothing else but action and reactions, cause and consequence, input and output mechanics of this process which is also why I want to share how all the dedication, the consistency, the perseverance, the discipline and self-work that one inputs on oneself is a substantiation process that one may not immediately see in terms of ‘big changes’ right away; as with everything, it is a process and it takes time to even have a point of reference to ‘look back’ and see how one has in fact changed here and there.

I’m quite satisfied with myself at the moment in relation to that ability to be comfortable, stable, embracing regardless of ‘others’ or ‘the contexts’ and at the same time continuing to expand upon meeting new people or establishing new relationships, whereas I can see how ‘tortuous’ that was for me in the past. All I can say is that this comfort, ease and enjoyment is the way I’d definitely would like every person to be able to experience life and themselves as, because it’s so much simpler and even enjoyable. Though, of course, we cannot ‘jump right into the self-perfected version’, it’s all a process and that’s got a great reason for it as well: to understand and so take responsibility on how we created our limitations, our fears, our ‘flaws’ and the rest of obstacles for our self-expression in order to get to see and practice living in a different way, creating different habits and patterns instead the ones that we had been deterred by before.

I am also aware that I would not be the kind of person that would say ‘I’m quite satisfied with myself’ before, because of considering that it sounds a bit too self-glorifying, but I’ve also learned to appreciate and recognize myself, my own process walked here and being ok with sharing more of the practical results than only the problems, which I sure will continue to share as they emerge in my life experience. But for now this is a self-appreciation note and an encouragement for anyone that might be reading this and might be caught up in a very emotional or turbulent time in their lives where it all seems like having ‘no way out’ or being about to ‘give up’ on yourselves. Hold on, there is a way through, keep at it, be consistent, don’t allow your fears to deter you, push through it and you will eventually see the benefits of developing that self-will to keep walking this process and continuing expanding and developing self-honesty. As it has been said many times, it isn’t easy, nice, fun, pretty or beautiful at first, but what emerges from that ‘gruesome’ process is definitely worth-living completely.

What comes next though is expanding my ability to continue sharing more of this process and assisting every other person I can to get to realize this for themselves as well, so if you’re interested, check out the Desteni Process, it’s the best life investment you can ever give to yourself.

Thanks for reading.  

 

Relatability

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


549. Being Physical

Or how to embrace the potential of who we are in our physical body through stopping the participation in our mind’s noise

Continuing from 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

This is the last word that I listed in the blog cited above wherein I started looking at all of the words I had separated myself from and instead approach them seeing ‘who I am’ in relation to all of these words. So far I’ve seen where I have lived words mostly through energy/through the mind or personality systems and instead learning how to substantiate myself with a redefined version of the word, sometimes I’ve been opening up aspects of a word I haven’t lived yet, sometimes realizing how I have in fact been living those words, just not in the energy-based type of experience I perceived that other person to be living out, some other times fine-tuning the meaning of the words in relation to self-support. Overall it has been an enjoyable process of self-discovery and this last word is definitely a key one for me as well.

 

I’ve seen throughout my life as a woman how there has been this tendency to look at males as a source and embodiment of physical stability, being grounded, being solid and structural that I, defined as a woman, perceive myself to lack, wherein I can many times feel that my expression makes me wobbly and that I might be experiencing ‘waves’ within myself while a male seems to be very solid, at peace, quiet and ‘whole’ in their physical bodies. Now this is also not ‘every male’ to be honest, but some males I’ve seen wherein this is something that I can perceive it in how they act, speak, direct and exist from a moment to moment.

 

However, here I have to remind myself how all of this that I am describing is in fact coming from me and my own experiences in relation to this perception of someone ‘being physical,’ because! What I’ve also discovered through actually getting to know males specifically – I’ve seen how this can be more of a portrayal of a controlled-expression founded in suppression, wherein any form of ‘expressiveness’ is linked to ‘being feminine’ therefore ‘weak’ and therefore culturally being associated with a ‘lesser’ experience which is the kind of gender-based crap – sorry for the word but it is what it is – that we’ve collectively accepted and allowed, starting with my perception that it is only males that can be fully physical, structural, grounded and that I as a woman cannot ever  become that.

 

Sure, there are structural and multiple-dimensions to a man and a woman that of course create such distinction based on being one or the other – these I cannot change nor ‘rewire’ myself to ‘be like a man’ because that’s not the point here, but I’m looking at how I can integrate the ability to be physical and debunk that perception of stability, being ‘rock solid’ that many times is only a show for others while in fact, in the inside, one can be very anxious or fearful or experiencing anger that creates such ‘solidity’ more coming through as a tension in itself, etc. So, here it is about not validating appearances or how I can ‘present’ myself towards others, but instead how I can take the word and make it a reality, a substantiation process for me.

 

Being in the physical/being physical is something one hears a lot in this Desteni process where it is about learning to see the relationship that our mind-states have to our physical-bodies and the effect it has upon our body. Therefore part of this process is learning to change the way that we participate in our minds, to be directive in it and stopping the participation in energetic reactions that lead oneself to go into any high or low experience in our bodies.

 

This is definitely something that I can say to a certain extent I’ve been able to work with, which doesn’t mean that experiences don’t come up at all anymore – they absolutely do, and I have been quite aware of how I can ‘layer’ an energetic imprint into my body over repetition, meaning repeating the same fears or emotions in relation to something or someone over time to the point that they get triggered by a simple thought I may have related to that something or someone I’ve attached all of these fears or reactions to, and voilà, there one has a seemingly overwhelming experience that I have created all the way through my own participation in it.

 

This is an empowering realization as well because I am no longer perceiving that these energetic experiences swirling in my solar plexus area are just coming by themselves or get triggered out of ‘nowhere,’ nope, we are the creators of it all the way and fortunately here we have the tools and ways to walk through these reactions in order to embrace our physicality which to me means being in the physical body, breathing, not participating in useless thoughts that lead to fears, reactions, expectations, judgments, opinions, and the rest of things that create a separation towards reality, which then causes us to live more ‘in our minds’ than actually embracing and existing as the physicality of our body, standing equal to everyone and everything in our reality. This is much easier said than done of course.

 

As one gets more in depth into one’s awareness, one can get to see how much we are in fact constantly assessing, judging, constantly having an opinion, a preference about something or someone, how many fears we might be participating on in an underlying manner, how many of our actions are motivated by fears or desires, how much we are constantly living in the past or the future – and the list goes on.

 

So, I am aware of how this might seem overwhelming at first, but the reality here is that we have the actual choice and ability to decide to continue living as these ‘broken records’ with all of those experiences being detonated within ourselves over and over again or, we decide to learn how to stop participation in them through understanding the root and cause of our experiences, which is in essence one of the foundations of walking this Desteni Process and something I’ve been practicing for nine years now, resulting in a great point of self-support for me to the extent that I sometimes get to forget how anxious, how fearful, how insecure or how ‘all over the place’ I once was, and this is also more easily said than done, because it does take dedication, diligence, patience, practice and perseverance to get to a point of physical stability as well, though it is of course completely worth it.

 

So that’s the point for me to look at here, physical stability which interestingly enough I can link it to being at peace within myself which comes through a process of ‘sorting out’ and creating solutions to whatever I am experiencing – therefore being physical, being grounded, being rooted, being anchored, being clear-headed when moving in my reality, when making decisions, when interacting with others becomes a reality.

 

Interestingly enough I’ve been able to improve my ability to ground myself back into the physical in relation to emotions, considering that was one of the ‘biggie’ points in my reality, though I consider I haven’t been as diligent in terms of grounding myself whenever I see that I am ‘elevating’ myself or getting ‘high’ in a particular perceived ‘good’ or positive experience, which interestingly enough I also refrained myself from even opening up because I had considered I didn’t have many of those or was ‘ok’ around that kind of situations. But lately I’ve seen how I can get carried away in moments where I perceive there’s an opening of expression with others and that’s where I’ve usually gone into the comparison – specially with some males – about this whole ‘me the wobbly expressive one’ vs. the sturdy ‘physical’ male, at least as an initial perception.

 

Here I’d like to focus on being physical and rooting myself whenever I am getting ‘carried away’ in a point of interaction with others and suddenly ‘lose my footing’ which involves getting into an energetic high of sorts, that may come through something as talking too much, being louder, laughing a lot and starting to get a jittery sensation in my body. I’ve explained how any energetic experience is not cool for my body, it’s ‘icky’ and sometimes headaches ensue or any other physical discomfort due to the load of ‘stimulation’ I create for myself, so here I’ll walk some self-supportive self-forgiveness to ground these points for myself.

 

I forgive  myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in comparison towards males that I have perceived as solid, stable, peaceful, mild-mannered or ‘refined’ even in their behavior wherein I have seen myself being ‘in awe’ towards such expression, perceiving that I cannot be like that because I tend to be more ‘bubbly’ and so feel ‘wobbly’ within myself, which is an energetic experience in me, therefore I realize that in order to be physical, I have to ground myself back to my body whenever I am first reacting to and comparing myself to males specifically that I’ve defined as ‘peaceful, solid, stable’ and ‘physical’ wherein I’ve created a sense of inferiority towards that which I see only exists as an idea, belief and gender-based experience I’ve separated myself from, because I’ve seen for myself how I can in fact be more stable, grounded, solid and peaceful once that I stop participating in any form of judgment, reaction, opinion, expectation, comparison or belief about myself or about others that invariably leads to a polarity-experience within me towards others, which is the actual cause and source of me going into this ‘high’ or instability.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live equality towards males that I’ve defined as rock solid, physical, stable,  grounded at least from how I perceive them and instead have gone into an inferiority – or in-fear-iority towards them – instead of realizing that I can integrate those words to be lived by myself when in the presence of people that I may perceive as solid, peaceful, stable and physical and being males specifically wherein instead of going into the ‘inferiority’ or perceiving a ‘lack’ within me in relation to how they express themselves, I can remind myself I can live the word physicality as a focus on breathing, on seeing the other person as an equal, on realizing that whatever idea, belief or perception I might create about them being ‘more’ than me exists only as a belief and perception in my mind. It’s not at all about ‘them’ even, but how I’ve programmed myself to react to these words and expressions in separation of myself, therefore

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the words physicality, solidity, stability, grounded and peaceful within me in all contexts, specifically when being interacting/ face to face with people or males that I can perceive as rock solid, immovable, ‘untouchable’ even and perceiving such state of being is ‘unreachable’ for me, instead of seeing that it is actually very much existent already here within and as myself, as my physical body in every moment of breath that I decide to take on and be aware of, and stop participating in whatever idea, belief or perception I may create towards others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate from the experience I’ve seen in cats and perceiving myself more as the playful dog in awe of the stoic cat – lol – where I have also defined my enjoyment and appreciation for cats based on their firm, slow, quiet, stable, precise expression that I’ve also seen as very much being ‘independent’ and all of these being words that I’ve believed I can’t ‘live’ for and as myself, but instead would usually be drawn to or be attracted to people that I perceived to be this way – where I also have to remind myself to not trust my perceptions or what I may ‘pick up’ in another’s expression, because all of it is coming from myself, my frames of reference, my experiences, my perceptions and in no way does this imply that there is a reality to it – because I cannot really be in someone else’s shoes other than through getting to know them and communicate with another to see who they really are behind their presentation and façade and what they are in fact experiencing.

 

Therefore I can only focus on myself and living this word as an expression of me wherein I don’t go making assumptions about others or focusing on others’ experiences and then compare who I am in relation to them, but where I can look at practically practicing being physical in moments where I am tending to go into a comparison of being ‘more or less than’ another in a moment, or where I get nervous in the presence of another seemingly being very stable, at ease and peace with themselves and perceiving that I am ‘at loss’ or ‘in fear’ of that, which creates the unsettling nervousness towards another,

Instead I can remind myself that I can live that solidity, that consistency, that stability and grounded expression whenever I allow myself to take one step back in those moments and simply not jump into the ‘train of thought’ but remain grounded, breathing and learn to observe, to hear another’s words, to slow down within myself so that I can in fact stand equal to my body and therefore as everyone else’s physicality that can be present or around me in a particular moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief and experience of feeling unnerved when being in the presence of particular males that I’ve defined as stable, solid, grounded and ‘earthed’ ultimately, believing that they are in control in themselves – and I am not – lol which is in fact an interesting thing to do because if I focus entirely on myself, usually who I am before seeing ‘the other person’ as a trigger point I can be quite calm, stable, solid within me and it’s only upon me participating in an assessment of another person and judging them as ‘superior’ due to appearing grounded, physical, stable and at peace within themselves, that I get into an unnerving experience, I start feeling ‘weak’ and clumsy or extra-expressive at times and this is mostly a reaction, again referencing the playful barking all-over-the-place dog that is jumping around the stoic cat that doesn’t seem to flinch at the dog’s expression. 

 

This is all of course still my perception of the cat being ‘less expressive’ or something like that, I cannot really know what their actual experience is, but I take the visual reference for me to realize I can also practice slowing down within me by not going into an ‘assessment’ of the other person or participating in judgments of how I ‘perceive’ them, but instead focus on myself, not on others, on being stable, grounded, calm, at peace within me when interacting with others, and stopping my judgments towards them.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself being ‘at loss’ upon facing and interacting with someone that seems stable, physical, present, calm, at peace within themselves to me, which I can simply use as a reminder to precisely take those words back to myself, to live them in equality – not based on ego, not based on ‘suppressing’ myself or putting up a ‘superior’ front anymore – but based on my ability to breathe through the swelling of energies, to be able to stabilize through becoming aware of the totality of my physical body and so focusing on myself and others at a physical level, who we are as equal beings, who we are in our words, stopping the usual ‘reaction’ within me of ‘compensating’ my perception of being unable to be ‘grounded and stable’ by becoming overtly expressive and instead allow me to be observant, to be calm, to slow down within myself, to focus on my breathing to remind myself of the physicality I also am and take things easily.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to separate myself from the word ‘physicality’ or ‘being physical’ as in being stable, grounded, consistent and defining it as something ‘superior’ to myself, which is only me as the mind perceiving that such words are ‘unreachable’ for me – when in reality they are here already existent in potential within me, I simply have to stop focusing on the ‘superior and inferior’ assessments and focus on the physicality of myself and others in any given moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still unconsciously allow the experience of myself being defined by gender – as in being a woman – and bring through experiences linked to perceiving a male as ‘superior’ to me, wherein I then separate myself from our living-equality and tap into the design, the programming and gender-based roles that we’ve lived for our entire human history.

 

I realize that this is indeed a set of patterns that have been ingrained beyond my awareness, however now that I am aware of it and I understand where this ‘inequality’ between genders comes from, I can assist myself to integrate and embody the words that I had perceived only ‘males’ could live in a natural manner for themselves – such as physicality, stability, grounded, structural, being at peace which are all words I can integrate and live as myself as well, which in turn will assist me in diffusing this gender-based perception I’ve lived out throughout my entire life without having questioned it to this level and specificity before, due to believing that ‘it’s just how things are set-up’ and not going any further than that.

 

Now I realize it’s entirely up to us to see what we accept and allow as limitations, as self-definitions and any other form of polarity that a difference in our physical bodies as human beings – being males and females – has contributed to create within ourselves, while in fact I realize I can live those aspects that I’ve seen mostly in males and integrate them within myself at a being level, beyond being a human physical body defined by a gender – without me falling into the trap of wanting to ‘be like a man’ – it’s not the point either – it’s about being a woman that is no longer separate from the potentials and capabilities of men and women to integrate into my life if I see them as supportive aspects or words to embody and live in my life.

 

For now this is the point I’ll focus on and what’s coming up for me in relation to physicality, but this is by no means the only extent of this word that I’ll be looking at, considering how this is only one aspect, one layer I’m focusing on changing or fine tuning within me, but this word ultimately relates to this whole process from consciousness to life in self-awareness, to living life in the physical, to birthing life in the physical and as one can see it is not as easy as simply ‘stating it,’ but one has to actually go through the ‘deprogramming’ and ‘reprogramming/rewiring’ process through living words and creating new sets of acceptances and allowances to live words that are supportive, that we can develop ourselves further with and in turn this becomes a way to expand in our lives, as life, and continue working on it until it is done.

 

Check out the series Quantum Mind Self Awareness to learn more about the interrelationship of our minds with our physical body

 

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


538. Living Authenticity

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

What does it really mean to be authentic in this world? And how have we shaped ourselves according to a desire to be authentic yet without having self as the starting point? Upon focusing and reflecting on this word today, I realized how much of the association to ‘authenticity’ in relation to a set of aspects or traits that are very much – or most of the times – personality-based, meaning, how I initially spotted it within the attributes I saw in another that I created a sense of ‘attraction’ for was related to a persona, the portrayal of themselves with particular set of preferences, perspectives and expressions that were not really of ‘substance’ as I call them when it comes to the person being expressing who they really are as life or being supportive in their expression – it was mostly a perception of authenticity being expressed through being rebellious, polemic, controversial, against-the-grain in fact, very much ‘on your face’ and standing up for something that the thinks is right for him. And sure that’s a way to ‘be authentic’ in consciousness-speak, but here I am definitely not looking at doing that for myself, dare I say ‘again’ and I’ll explain why.

How I had ‘strived’ to live authenticity was mostly through creating a persona/living a set of personalities where I could stand in an eccentric way (out of the norm, out of the circle) and create myself as a statement of ‘I don’t buy into any of that, I am the opposite of what everyone wants to be’ type of ideal, and surely this can be something very common in our teenage years or young adulthood that eventually becomes a self-definition for the rest of our lives if we don’t dare to question and re-create ourselves, very much like this person I took as an example above, which is ok for him and his process but not for myself, my life and process context.

So, what would have happened if I had not started this process from consciousness to self-awareness as life is that I would have most likely continued to be a person that stands very much in the definition of ‘misfit’ or ‘outcast’ or ‘eccentric persona’ that tries to be unique, special, ‘authentic’ as a portrayal of personalities, a palette of expressions used ‘towards others’ to create a certain impact/make a statement about ‘who I am’ as all the strengths and potencies that I ‘wanted’ to have and be at the eyes of others, but certainly most likely hiding quite a lot of insecurities, fears and inferiority behind all of that façade.

Throughout the years I’ve shared the detail of walking the writings, the self-forgiveness process on seeing, understanding and so correcting myself from feeding this ‘hard veneer’ I placed upon myself in order to really find out who I am behind the masks essentially. And this is exactly a first step to look at within the word ‘Authentic’ and self-creation.

Initially when I started removing ‘the masks’, what was left was this ‘me’ that was very much still to be re-sculpted, re-programmed so to speak because all I had ever known is how to be a character ‘for others’ and not really focus on asking myself: Who do I want to be? What do I want to create? Who am I as the words that I speak and live? Who am I as my expression? What do I want to create and live not only for myself but also for others in my world? What are my strengths? What are my weaknesses to work on and strengthen? What are some of the ‘unique skills’ I can develop/would like to focus on developing and so living/expressing throughout my life? What would I like to contribute to this world to create what’s best for all?

Therefore, authenticity became linked to ‘authority’ and ‘authorship’, which is something that I completely had overlooked in my plight to become this compendium of personalities and ways to ‘cope’ with the world and portray myself as being something I would define as ‘strong,’ but it was all going to be very much just an imitation of other people I admired and wanted to ‘be like’ in order to be as special or popular as I considered them to be.

Throughout this process with Desteni, we learn to see words beyond our predefined ways, beyond the surface scope and learn to open up a whole new way of looking at them, and this is through adding the ingredients of self-honesty and the ability to change who we are, being able to see who and what we are in the context of taking responsibility for ourselves, our creation, our words, our actions, who we want to be as a contributor to life being birthed again in this world. And that’s definitely something that opens up the real depth there is to authenticity.

Who and what have I become as authenticity through this process of several years of learning to understand the ‘who I had become’ and redesigning myself step by step in every single aspect where I saw my ‘character weaknesses,’ integrating a correction that I realize represents me as my living potential led me to where I am now, which is being able to look back and see how this authority and authorship as the creator of my life is something I’m very much ‘settled in’ with, meaning, it is a platform from which I am already ‘operating’ from, just had not realized it as such if I had not written it out and focused on this word today.

Yet, as with any living word, it is not something that is just ‘done’ for myself, it is – as with every word – a platform from which I can move to express, grow, expand as a person within the context of becoming a contributor to life itself – and no longer just a compendium of expressions ‘for others’ to appreciate, value or see as ‘unique’ which is one of the ways in which a personality can be confused with what I’d like to share as the real uniqueness we all have here.

How about considering authenticity as our unique position and ability to partake in the process of co-creation, where we start seeing each other as equals with equal potential to be developed and sculpted for and by each one of us in the name of what is best for all?

Many times we get lost in the ‘matrix of personalities’ where we are kind of always striving to be unique, to be perfect, to be successful, to be special as a personality ‘for the world out there’ instead of rather first of all considering who do we want to be and live for and as ourselves, what do I want to cultivate, grow and reap as my creation for myself and so for everyone else in this reality? In other words: what can I be and contribute with as my livelihood, my unique expression, my skills and live them in full responsibility and awareness of shaping me and what I do in the name of what’s best for all – where each one of us can in fact contribute unique aspects that makes us ‘who we are’ as individuals, yet equal in the context of that life-essence that we can learn to honor and live as our expression, in our very own day to day living.

This is where the context of stopping comparison also comes in, where in my experience, many times I’ve fallen into the trap of comparing my abilities, skills, expressions, behaviors, choices and outcomes in life to that of others; instead of reminding myself that each one of us as individuals are unique expressions, with a unique context that cannot be ‘repeated to the T’’ by any other individual – no one else has had our exact same life position and experience, in the same location/context, with the same challenges, with our same bodies and exact same patterns learned and copied from our very own parents – etc. So, the sheer notion of comparison with this becomes futile, it’s like trying to compare one tree to another tree – yes both are trees but they will always be different and there’s no point in comparing in the sense of who’s better or worse or more special etc. That’s all consciousness-speak which we have to start stopping within ourselves.

Stopping this consciousness-speak then leads one to tap into the essence of who can we be, what can we make of ourselves as an individual, what words do I want to live not only for myself and my life, but as an equal contributor to the co-creation of this reality?

I recently suggested someone to do this for themselves as well considering how much we focus only on ‘stopping patterns’ and all the rest of destructive, self-sabotaging or self-abusive behaviors and contexts, leading oneself to temporarily lose footing within who we really are and only see all the negative aspects, getting obfuscated by the reality of self one can initially see in this process, all the ‘bad’ and the ‘negative’ which needs to be at the same time worked in an equal process and equilibrium with self-creation and having a starting point of who do we want to be and create ourselves as in this lifetime, this life-opportunity we have here on Earth if we dare and commit to step into it with our full life force and expression.

Therefore for me to be authentic or live authenticity is to be and live my unique set of skills, abilities, what I’ve learned to practice and develop over time which in my very own life experience has led me to be a person that can assist others in their own birthing process based on doing that in my own experience for almost a decade now and realizing that there is so much more that each one can be if we can step out of our own limitations first of all, out of our fears, out of our comparisons or personality ideals and place our focus and attention in our living potential, who we really want to live and be for the rest of our lives, in the context of what’s best for all life, considering self-responsibility within self-creation. This changes everything and it’s of course something that not only benefits us individually, but collectively because again if we are best for oneself = we become best for all in whichever we decide to be and create.

Here I am realizing how I had minimized such potential of this word by linking it to a set of personalities and expressions I defined as ‘interesting’ for example and seeing myself as ‘desiring that’ or ‘lacking that’ which is definitely not the case now that I’m opening this word in a substantial-context in living terms – it changes everything.

And this is the kind of perspective I’d like more of us to really integrate and acknowledge in our lives, to see where and how we diminish, in-fear-iorize or separate ourselves from a word through consciousness-speak like ‘attraction’ or ‘liking’ or ‘being drawn to’ something or someone based on an experience, instead of going directly into naming the experience, giving it a word and seeing first of all who are we already as this word, how are we living it and if we are living it, is it best for all? Is it considering using that ability and potential to support ourselves in our lives and others? Is it lived self-honestly? Is it within the context of life responsibility?

In this we can get to recognize how unique we already are and how much we are squandering in an attempt to fulfill ourselves through personalities or desiring relationships with others and the rest of it, all of it an outflow of separation from our very own living words and potential.

This kind of exercise I just shared here truly sets our record straight into realizing our potential and clearing one’s head from ‘ideals’ and ‘perceptions’ of what we’ve given value and meaning to- which is then again something to work through, self-forgive and correct within ourselves.

This is only a ‘self-assessment’ though because every aspect at the same time has been a process walked, every fear, inferiority, comparison, jealousy, personality development that I had taken on over the years and that I will continue to fine tune whenever it emerges again in me. So this is more like the ‘fruit’ that comes from a process of self-commitment to live and realize this for myself and this is something I see can make us better living parts and co-creators in this world, that can in turn change the nature of the world system and our interrelationships if we live this authenticity out of our personal-interests as consciousness-speak and into living-substance, into living potential.

Thanks for reading

 

Humble Me

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


520. Self-Accountability and Tough Love

Or understanding and realizing the necessary nature of applying ‘tough love’ in order to honor our own lives and that of others in the name of what’s best for all.

Many times while being in relationships we lose track of our personal self-agreement and where we stand in personal principles and self-support because of perceiving that a relationship is an entity created between ‘two individuals’ – and yes in normal relationships this is how it goes where a lot of compromise and fears as well as positive experiences can be defined through the sum of two individuals existing ‘for each other’ and depending ‘on each other’ completely at an emotional or feeling level – which means at a mind level. However within this process from consciousness to self-awareness the notion of ‘relationships’ is redefined as the creation of an agreement where one or more people agree to support themselves to be the best version of themselves and do whatever is necessary to align themselves to the principles of life, of equality and oneness, of self-honesty and self-support.

Therefore it is about ‘who we are as individuals’ in a relationship where it doesn’t matter if one in the relationship isn’t aware of this process from consciousness to awareness, one can establish a self-agreement with ourselves in honoring these principles and ensuring that we work with our self-change and self-responsibility, honoring one’s life first and foremost.

This means that one’s personal point of focus should not be on what the other person does or doesn’t do to support themselves but instead, what defines us as individuals in the relationship is where we stand all the way in it, who we are in our lives, our principles,  how we work through our own patterns, how we apply our points of change, how we confront situations of conflict, how we are willing to let go of a righteousness and ego in order to recognize and so change one’s own faults and problems. And yes, at the same time decide for ourselves if one is willing to and is able to stand in a relationship where one knows the other person is not supporting themselves or standing in a principle of self-support at the very least – that decision and choice becomes part of our self-honesty as in seeing what we accept and allow ourselves to live with or not.

Here focusing on myself within the creation of a relationship, I found this point of personal accountability or ‘self-accountability’ to be quite supportive as in ‘keeping track’ of myself, who we are, what I’ve done or haven’t done in my self-relationship of self-support.  

In past relationships I would condition ‘me changing’ according to ‘others changing too’ or others showing or demonstrating that they were also doing their part, which becomes the perfect recipe for spite and developing an extremely conditional nature in our minds where the focus is on ‘others’ and not on oneself at all. Therefore this time I decided to not condition myself according to ‘another one’ and instead stick to my self-agreement where I can be able to recognize where I am reacting, where I am not defining me and my change in relation to ‘the relationship with another’ only or re-enacting past relationship patterns; and in general where I am conditioning my own point of change in relation to others changing as well or others looking into ‘their own problems or faults’ too, which is also a covert point of blame and ‘focusing on another’ only instead of entirely focusing on oneself.

Here I share this as a cautionary tale so that one takes into consideration not creating this kind of spite and expectations within a relationship where if one is holding the other accountable first and focusing on what another does or doesn’t do to then decide to change or not change,  the whole point of self-accountability and self-responsibility becomes null within oneself, because then we turn our focus and attention into blaming others for not doing their part, for not changing, for not living up to our expectations, and that’s definitely a point of self-dishonesty for the person that is keeping the finger pointed ‘at others’ only, but is not focusing or even willing to look back to self first.

What I’ve learned to do is to focus on myself entirely – and no, this is not ‘selfishness’ as it might be perceived, but a basic aspect of self-responsibility and accountability within a self-agreement within which I decided to step into the creation of a relationship with another. Therefore this allowed me to work every time on letting go of my expectations of what I wanted the other person to do or be for myself – yet also speaking up whenever something was very obvious to be opened up for their own awareness and self-work. At the same time, I had to also be considerate of another’s life, mind, characters and ‘ways of being’ that I learned to adjust in quite an effective manner – though also of course being ready and willing to draw a line whenever something is out of the agreed best for all and self-supportive habits and ways in our shared living.

This latter point of ‘drawing a line’ whenever one sees that a basic principle of committing to self-support in a relationship that is established at the beginning of a relationship is not being followed through, is what might be defined as ‘tough love’ where one is willing to be first of all accountable to oneself and so another in the sense that: in self-honesty and within the consideration of what’s best for all, allowing the other person to face for example the breakup of a relationship as the best way for them to realize what each one is doing to themselves and how not following through a self-agreement leads to consequences or results that are compromising for all individuals involved.

This outcome of applying ‘tough love’ is a necessity and an aspect of establishing an agreement – either with another or alone within oneself as self-agreement – where if the basic points of self-responsibility, self-honesty and self-support are not being lived in thought, word and deed and is causing consequences for each other’s lives, then one has to honor the starting point of the relationship redefined as an ‘agreement’ between two or more – and so all parts can agree how it is best to let go of the relationship in order to assist each other to face the points, the aspects where we didn’t stand up in it all.

It’s just like any contract or creation of a society as well or ‘team’ that exist to create, build, direct, expand, work on something – and if the basic functionality of this is not existent then it simply makes sense to dissolve the union and work on an individual basis to strengthen and change the points that led to the failure or inconsistency in the joint process.

This might seem like a harsh move or ‘insensible’ because of not considering people’s feelings but that’s exactly what we have to stop blinding ourselves with if we are to truly honor our lives. It might also sound like not being considerate, not being patient or not being lenient enough– but that’s also where self-accountability is a great way to measure ‘who we’ve been’ within the whole relationship or point of creation in our lives.

For example in my case realizing that I have in fact developed patience, consideration, flexibility, unconditional support, doing to another what I would like another to be an do for themselves, working to stop my own expectations, stopping being so exigent, being less controlling (yep still working on that one!) and be able to reference all of it with another who also in self-honesty would be able to recognize what has been done or hasn’t been done by each one in the relationship.

Therefore what I’ve realized is that what might be initially perceived as ‘tough love’ is from my perspective a very necessary measure to apply to allow another person to understand the nature of self-creation, to understand the consequences of not living up to one’s utmost potential and that includes of course myself first of all, where I can also see and become aware of my own points of compromise, my choices, my decisions, assessing ‘where I am’ and ‘where I am going next’ which yes would be directed to a supportive outcome and potential within a relationship. However this is precisely what I have to leave clear for myself and so share here as a general reminder for anyone reading: there is a vast and visible difference between seeing a ‘potential’ in a relationship and in one another and living such potential or actively working to become that potential and having physical reality proof of that in thought, word and deed as the nature of who we are at all times.

This is how in personal accountability, we can establish our own clarity to see who we are, what we have done or haven’t done, who we’ve been within an entire point of self-creation and hold ourselves accountable for it. This ability to ‘see ourselves’ and recognize our pros and cons to self-creation and be determined to acknowledge them is the essence of truly loving ourselves, caring for ourselves and so another – so that we can acknowledge it, face it, understand it and commit ourselves to work on it. This is the essence of this process and the essence of living in self-agreement within a relationship.

Based on these principles, whenever we see that reality is not ‘adding up’ to the self-agreements established at the beginning of a relationship, where the relationship itself can become a comfort zone for both individuals to not genuinely change and step out of the recurring patterns of self-diminishment in our minds and lives, then it is necessary to end such relationship in order to honor our lives, our individual processes and potentials, to be of more ‘good than harm’ in having to face ourselves individually rather than together which is an outcome that varies from context to context and all based on each one’s decision – and I’m here sharing it to have the courage to do so whenever it is needed and consequences are knocking at the door.

What is the benefit? What does one ‘gain’ or ‘gifts’ oneself from holding oneself accountable and so another in that agreement or ‘redefined relationship’? The gift of responsibility, of acknowledging our creation, of owning our creation, of developing integrity, self-respect, honoring each other’s lives even if that means having to separate to precisely understand the consequences we create for oneself and another if we don’t stand by our self-commitment to change.

This becomes a living statement, making it clear to one another that what’s best for all is to continue working on such self-agreement as self-support yet no longer within a relationship.

This is where one has to step beyond the self-interest of ‘keeping a relationship’ where compromise exists and where we might ‘hold it all up’ based on fears of letting go or settling to a point of ‘least effort’ in oneself in order to truly stand in that absolute self-agreement within oneself and so in relationship to others.

This is how then within Self-Accountability – which implies being able to take responsibility for one’s life, in self-honesty from beginning to end of our lives – one has to make decisions, to take charge of one’s ‘destiny’ and not leave it to the hands of hope or fate or even ‘potential change’, but directly act and do what’s needed to truly own our creation, to understand the consequences we are creating for ourselves and others in our lifetime and be able to stand in a position where it’s only ourselves, individually, that can decide if we fall or if we stand up – but not any longer ‘trapping’ oneself and others into consequential outcomes, such as it happens in any relationship or joint project, work situation or anything else where instead, each individual can assess their situation and therefore understand when it is best to ‘go back to the drawing board’ in order to be most effective in working, living, sharing oneself with another and standing in that self-commitment to be the best version of ourselves and so to each other in this lifetime.  

Here it is also where one’s personal self-interest is overridden to living principles, where a relationship or partnership, friendship, any ‘joint effort’ with others that is not resulting in a best for all outcome can be assessed and either worked on individually or cease to exist as such if the proof in physical reality is showing that it is not leading to a visible and tangible point of change in who we are in thought, word and deed.

Ultimately how I see it is that each one of us will have to walk through ‘tests’ of who we are in our lives: are we life or are we in the mind? Do we decide to settle in for a point of compromise and self-limitation and eventual destructive consequences or do we decide to stand in self-honesty even if it means having to ‘give up’ something that we find very comfortable and supportive in ‘some’ aspects  of our lives? That’s what I defined as the eye of the needle in my case, that one ‘point’ that we have defined as our weakness, our ‘tough points’ to walk through where we face a seemingly difficult choice: our mind or life, our personal interest or what is best for all?

What I’ve found is that even if it means having to cause some perceived ‘undesirable outcomes’ for my self-interest, what prevails in me and what I decide to always stand for is life, and life takes no ‘middle ways,’ because I know for myself how ‘full-fledged’ one has to be in terms of taking life seriously and living as such in thought, word and deed. Not about knowledge and information here or ‘pledging alliance to life’ as an ideological orientation – that’s what the world is filled with and shows no change at all. Nope.

This is about demonstrating with our whole being where we decide to stand in our lives, who we decide to be in every moment of our lives and yes, I know it sounds very challenging or even absolutist, but it is only common sensical to set the bar so ‘high’ for oneself considering how long we’ve been living in personal recycling processes of doing the least effort, repeating the same mistakes, leading ourselves to a path of self-destruction, of irresponsibility, dishonor and plain inconsideration towards our very own life.

I have expressed many times in my life how I want to change the world, how I cannot accept the ways in which we’ve existed in this world because it’s quite evident where we’ve gotten ourselves to in such repetitive patterns, habits and ‘ways’ of our human nature. Therefore life itself embedded in ourselves and our very creations leads us to find ‘who we truly are’ in our choices, in our decisions, in our stance – and I am quite committed to continue being accountable to myself because at the end of the day, it’s not about ‘fulfilling my mind’s desires’, it’s about the person I can live with for the rest of my life, the person that I can fully stand with every single breath of the way and that’s precisely the one person I can only ever truly change and take responsibility for: myself.

This is the marvel as well of this process where even if we would like to assist others, to give an ‘opportunity’ of self-change for another, to provide the necessary tools and environment to ‘give themselves a chance,’ it can only ever be supportive if the person decides to do all of this entirely for themselves as well and take it seriously all the way. Otherwise it won’t stand and one will be left as the ‘person that tried to save another that wasn’t willing to do it for themselves.’ I’ve definitely have had enough of this pattern so: till here no further.

Some ‘tough love’ is necessary for me to integrate in my ways of supporting others, not only in relationships as ‘partnerships’ or ‘agreements’ as defined within this process, but with every person that I am in contact with through familial bonds, friendships and relationships of self-support within this process as well. That’s the best I can do to honor myself, what I’ve figured out I am able to do and stand as for and as myself which means: if I can, others can do it too.

Thanks for reading.

Lastly a great quote from an audio I’ll cite here:

 

“…so many of us face in so many different dimensions of (being) afraid of speaking up, afraid of saying what we see, afraid of really being direct and sometimes knowing you have to be hard and intense and show some tough love but not be afraid to lose the person. Because I think, actually you know what happens if you don’t do that? You do actually lose the person, and you lose yourself because you’re losing them to the mind and you’re losing a part of yourself because you’re not being honest.” Sunette,  Compromising for Love (Part 2) – Relationship Success Support

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


%d bloggers like this: