Category Archives: doomsday character

642. Pessimism and Embracing The Blank Page

 

As I briefly mentioned in my previous blog, pessimism has been one of the very ‘ingrained’ patterns in me that I’ve become more aware of lately since finding out I was pregnant. I have to say that I didn’t see myself as a ‘pessimist’ per se, but I was able to identify this way of being in me based on the feedback that I got from my partner as a way to describe my focus on ‘the worst’ of the early pregnancy experience and the fears and limitations that I would bring up in terms of how things ‘would be’ for the future and so forth.

This all seemed ‘normal’ to me and that’s where this point begins, because! I’ve seen firsthand how the same event can be approached from a very different perspective, one that sees the inconvenience of certain symptoms as part of creating something that will be a life-change in our lives. One that can see the ‘adding’ of responsibility as a catalyst for change and personal growth, one that can bring fun times even with the stuff I could define as ‘a hassle’ or ‘troublesome’ – yep, this rather constructive perspective is how my partner approached the whole thing and I’ve been certainly learning more from him and learning to see living potential in it all, instead of only focusing on all that I could define as ‘the bad’ which, again, is not the best of me that I want to cultivate, it is the worst of me that interestingly enough has resurfaced again, because! Yes, this is a ‘life changer’ situation and one that I ‘feared’ a lot apparently, so I faced the consequence of cultivating all of those fears for many, many years. But I’m also learning to let go of them as I go facing this pessimism in different ways and in some of the most ‘sneaky’ forms.

This ‘pessimist’ core programming certainly started in childhood and yes, due to other circumstances unrelated to my pregnancy, we’ve been opening this up with my parents considering that these same fearful patterns have been spilling out into the children of the family and causing some consequences. So, confronting the situation is serving as a preparation ground for both of us to get to understand how I got to be quite limited by all kinds of fears that were imprinted from a very young age by my parents and within that, us all getting to see how that is affecting the newest members of the family, consequently to understand how these patterns came to exist in us and how they are still having ‘a hold’ on us.

Here I perhaps point out something that is by now a ‘well learned lesson’ when it comes to parents and getting to understand and forgive the ways in which they brought us up, because they most likely also didn’t know ‘any better’ and they did what they could in what they perceived as a way to care and love their children.  In this, there are no ‘hurt feelings’ for how I was raised, I instead enjoy understanding the familial patterns to see where and how I came to be ‘who I am’ and within that understanding, take a more active role in being responsible to change those very things that I’ve seen have limited me – and are Still showing up as limiting in my experience currently when facing the point of becoming a mother, becoming parents.  

I have come to make sense of how this ‘pessimism’ is therefore rooted in all kinds of fears that led me to ‘automatically’ think of the worst case scenarios, ‘all the worst that could happen,’ and it’s been quite astounding to see to what extent I do this on an automatic and “natural” way – meaning, I wouldn’t necessarily see it as something I had to flag-point and become aware of, because I deemed it as ‘care’ or ‘creating a sense of security’ – which by cross-referencing it with my partner, are more like my own conditioning – meaning, my past being ‘brought forward’ to the present and even ‘into the future’ … and that’s exactly what we don’t have to do, but instead approaching every moment, every day as a blank page where we decide how to live and how to face situations or ‘challenges,’ and to no longer kind of predispose myself to ‘facing all the worst’ because, I’ve seen how prominent that exists as a ‘normal thinking’ in my mind, and it doesn’t have to be that way, I have to actually stop seeing it as ‘normal thinking’ when seeing that I’m actually considering ‘all the things that could go wrong.’

It all really starts at that level of accepting and allowing those seemingly ‘small thoughts’ to creep up, feed them – which means go into them, thinking about them – to spiral them out into personality patterns like ‘the fearful mother’ and! Well, I would not want to become that, but I also see that I may face these fears in reality in order to become aware of what exists within me, so that I can become aware of them and change them. How else would I become aware of them otherwise?

I really even once thought that it was a cultural thing to constantly be gasping and fearing for a child’s health and wellbeing… well, nope! It’s more like a family thing that I truly need to become aware of Within myself, instead of kind of only going criticizing it and judging it on ‘the outside’ which in all cases, indicates that there are points I am not yet understanding and so, not forgiving that exist within me as well. This means that as long as I am reacting to it, then, there is less of a possibility for me to actually acknowledge, understand and embrace it in order to see where and how that exists within me, so that I can direct myself in a more flexible, understanding and unconditional way, one that considers the moment, and the present as that blank page and stop ‘re-loading’ all of my memories and fears and past conditioning as a child in my own family.

I noticed this pattern even more so recently where I was looking at a future situation of how people in my environment and their character could ‘affect’ the child and within this looking at it already from a starting point of fear: fear of the child going through the ‘imprinting’ of fears and anxiety that I went through as a child based on interacting with these individuals. And I allowed that to go as far as seeing how we would have to possibly disengage from being around these people to attempt to ‘protect’ our child from that kind of ‘character flaws.’ So here again, realizing I’m still holding a judgment and a reaction, which certainly I allowed myself to be affected by, which in turn I feared could ‘happen to our child’ and then going into ‘wanting to protect the child.’

I realize that as long as I am judging, criticizing, fearing certain attitudes and types of ‘character,’ then I am not yet coming to see ‘who am I’ towards those characteristics and emotions in others so that I can work on stopping my own reactions, realizing that others’ reaction do still create an effect on me – and therefore the child inside – and that it is precisely there where I need to act and apply myself to simply stop reacting and understanding why I get to react to them, so that I can decide in self-awareness to change how I respond in those moments.

It’s very easy to deviate from the point of self-responsibility when attempting to blame others for their character flaws, their patterns, their reactions and thinking that ‘they have to change’ or ‘we just have to avoid them altogether’ instead of realizing how it is only myself that can change how I face those situations and that that will in a huge way determine and be an example of how our child can face, confront and walk through similar situations with people. So it’s not about wanting to ‘prevent’ problems –  because we create ‘the problem’ when reacting to others in the first place – but it’s about being an example of how to best face the situation with stability, understanding and focusing on solutions, not giving space to ‘react back’ to anyone, but to stick to what is practical and reasonable to do. Now this is where the real self-change is at.

This time around again it took a good conversation while walking with my partner to explain to him what I was seeing with this whole thing that I just explained above and get back to Earth about it. I saw how I wasn’t really going to get anywhere with the ‘getting away from’ or ‘avoidance’ plan, I was mostly also ‘trapping’ people in their ‘usual selves’ and assuming how they would behave and be in a hypothetical future situation, which is one of the ways in which we keep ourselves ‘trapped’ and limited in the same personalities, the same judgments of how we believe ‘we are and will be’ and don’t give each other that space and opportunity to outgrow our old selves. 

I also was approaching the situation from already assuming and determining how our child would interpret certain attitudes, voice tonalities, expressions as if he or she was going to already judge it as something bad, negative, etc. when in fact, there is no reaction that is pre-recorded there. It is mostly all learned from the environment and that’s where our role comes in. The example comes from ourselves as parents to stop reacting to others’ expressions in a positive or negative way, but instead keep an equanimity and discernment about things which will in turn demonstrate to the child that one doesn’t ‘have to’ go into fear, worry, anxiety or anything like that if someone else is demonstrating such traits in themselves. This is where the change of character happens, with ourselves as the examples – the rest is then learned from observation and imitation.

Within all of this, I also kept on  ‘scheming’ how to ‘go about’ with certain people or situations in life, where I would most likely end up trying to seclude our child from anything that I would be judging as bad, wrong, negative, destructive. Of course, here I am not talking about some kind of ‘extreme’ unsafe or detrimental environment, I am simply looking at character flaws, which yes, we all do have as well so in doing that, I was ignoring my starting point – which was fear – and not taking these judgments, expectations and future projections back to self, to see what we are now more equipped and have tools to go about facing the reality of the world and the people in it ‘as is,’ without wanting to sugar coat it for our child to ‘be safe from any bad influence’ – but, who determines what the bad, negative, wrong stuff is? I do, through reacting to it.

So, it’s a great point for me to look at and stop reacting in FEAR of ‘what it will do’ to a new being. I also discussed that with my partner and I came to see that ‘the other way around’ is the way to go, to expose the child to various kinds and types of people so that there can be a discernment formed over time about people and getting used to getting along and getting to understand – eventually – why some people are a certain way and make their own decision in how they go about with them.

All of these points have opened up as well in seeing how my family and I are used to handling kids. I may say I am working on ‘debugging’ myself from these thoughts, but in general there’s that sense of having to ‘be careful’ all the time, and having to ‘protect them from anything that could harm them,’ and trying to ‘prevent them from getting sick’ all the time and all sorts of paranoia that I notice has started to ‘kick in’ as the ‘mother/parent’ construct and I definitely can work on stopping it on its tracks at this stage.

Once that I ‘spelled out’ the point – which means talking about it – things changed – but! New points opened up like the ones I have explained here in relation to future projecting how ‘things could be’ – for the worst – and forgetting about rather focusing on ‘what’s here’ and supporting myself to be the best that I can in my day to day, rather than being up in my head fearing and scheming ‘the worst case scenarios,’ wherein I’m not seeing how THAT is actually causing fear and stress within me, which is far more directly affecting the being inside me than any other ‘person’ out there.

Now that’s more of an eye opening perspective that I need to have a clear awareness on, that’s my real responsibility Right Now. Whatever else happens and opens up in the future, as my partner said, then we will deal with it ‘then’ and look at solutions, but no need to start kind of taking the artillery out already and start seeing threats and problems everywhere where there are none for now. So I decide to trust myself in being able to face whatever may come our way with a new perspective.

Something else that assisted me to look at it from a different perspective, is to remind myself how many times whatever I may perceive as something that I could define as a limiting change or something that I fear having to do – yes, stepping out of my comfort zone – are usually opportunities to grow, to challenge, to develop ourselves further and approaching it from this perspective then takes the ‘mind away’ from merely focusing on ‘the worst’ and spending time on scheming only ‘in the mind’ what I would do in such ‘worst’ that is not HERE at all. It is a waste of time and as much as it might be just ‘ok’ to consider certain potentials, I do have to make sure I am not creating a predisposition to ‘all the worst that could be’ and feed that in my mind as if that is a sign of ‘care’ or creating some kind of ‘security’ for our child, because in the end the starting point and origin is still just: Fear.

I had also been worrying about how to go about these let’s say ‘out of the ordinary’ ways – in comparison to how things are ‘usually done’ here – which we are planning to apply with our child, which may stand in direct contrast with, for example, how other people in our family do things and how they approach their own children, etc. So in this, I also realized that there was that same fear of being judged or going through what I ‘went through’ when I started doing some radical changes in my life over a decade ago and I basically had to step-away from my family for some time, because I just could not really ‘get along’ with them.

What I didn’t consider back then is how I was reacting and judging them all the way, that’s what caused me to find it – apparently – ‘impossible’ to be around them, and this also came from a secret desire for them to do things ‘my way’ or ‘do the same process I was walking’ and in general just causing more and more conflict until yes, it was for the best that I simply stopped seeing them as often until I sorted out my own conflict projected towards them and learned how to Understand them and so be able to be around, know our ‘boundaries’ so to speak and still be willing to share and open myself up whenever asked or needed.

So upon realizing this, I have seen how this is one of those situations where I am projecting already ‘My own experience’ onto our child and this is quite the red alert as well, because this would be caused by nothing more and nothing else than my own prejudices, judgments, ‘loaded memories’ that would in turn surely would be super limiting and causing a new being to be conditioned by ‘MY’ experience around certain people. This means: the work that needs to be done is entirely WITHIN MYSELF, instead of starting to project onto others how I believe ‘things will be’ for our child based on my own past, which I now have to prove I can truly let go of – and embrace the blank page that’s growing within : )

Within this, then it was also supportive to have another one of those lengthy talks with my partner about ‘who I was’ in my family and how I came to single-myself-out from it and how I remained in judgment towards them as if that was ‘the only way to be.’ But, I realize that if I apply my own mindset towards the child, the actual consequence would be caused by myself, not by ‘others’ and that I would then be recreating the same problems and patterns I lived through for most of my life.

So, within all of this, everything of course points out to myself, to learn to be more unconditioned, to learn to see every new day as it unfolds as a blank page that we are freshly writing on and that each blank page does represent that opportunity to re-wire myself, to change the old programming of fears, worries, what ifs, pessimist attitudes and bleak future projections and instead, welcome the potential of the new phase that’s opening up. This means stopping feeding any idea of wanting to ‘save’ or ‘secure’ the child from certain things because, yep! That can lead to paranoia of not wanting the child to see the light of day so to speak, which is of course parental abuse as well. This is an exaggeration of course, but I’m playing it out this way so that I get to remind myself ‘what I’m doing’ every time that I go into my mind and start scheming things from a starting point of wanting to ‘prevent’ certain things and realizing it comes from a point of fear that I have to simply let go of.

How can this be practically done? By being able to self-forgive it out loud in the moment as it happens so that I can then lead myself back to realizing how this is not about ‘the child’ or ‘others’ but myself bringing up all of these ‘loose cannons’ as fears that I had not become aware of yet, because yes, this is certainly a new phase in my life and within that, there comes a whole new and uncharted territory that I can simply work with and face as I go with this kind of approach towards these seemingly ‘simple moments’ where I go into my mind and start fearing or future projecting some ‘worst case scenarios.’ That’s entirely possible and in my hands to do, and whenever I may ‘still’ see some of these fears as ‘very real,’ then that’s when I can talk them out, communicate them and cross-reference them with my partner and any other person that I trust their judgment on and create solutions – or simply get to understand a situation to then decide how to best act and approach it.

It may sound as if this point is quite ‘big’ within me, and it probably isn’t, lol. But I do like to in a way create awareness on it as if it was already a ‘big deal’ because it ‘could’ escalate if I don’t see it through this magnifying glass and understand what I am accepting and allowing whenever going into fears, judgments, prejudices, future projecting the worst and so on. Otherwise, I would go ‘brushing it off’ and I have seen the kind of ‘accumulation effect’ that we can create in our minds, where we then end up getting into a point or experience where things seem too big, too heavy, too difficult to change, because we allowed all those small moments of ‘feeding the patterns’ to go unnoticed – and therefore not taking responsibility for them – and that’s where I then go compromising my own standing and self-awareness.

So, all in all it has been cool to open up these points and even get to discuss them with my parents to understand ‘where’ they got those fears from, how they affected their lives with them and yes also get to understand that, to them, some may be quite difficult to change, but that’s where I also then have to see the opportunity that I currently have in my hands to ‘change the tide’ when it comes to those family patterns that have been already passed on to the younger kids in the family. It’s not like ‘they are screwed’ now, because there’s always the opportunity to take self-responsibility and later on as they grow, they also can decide to change – or not.

My point remains in reminding myself that the child to come is a blank page as well and that I have to be of utmost care to not approach that opportunity to raise another being with fears of ‘what runs in the family’ or ‘what has happened in the past’ or ‘what I went through as a child,’ because THEN I would most likely be conditioning all of that and imprinting that through my every move, voice tonality and interaction with the child.  I often criticize – judge – parents that see their children as ‘the problem,’ and still gets on my nerves to see how it seems impossible to look ‘back at themselves’ – as parents – to see that their child came into this world as a blank page – sure some genetics and so on – but most of who they turn out to be is determined by the environment – a.k.a. the parents, mostly.

I consider I am at a timely stage where I can create a big point of awareness within me of stopping projecting my own fears and what I defined as ‘bad/negative experiences’ onto a new being, and rather focusing on understanding my experience – which to me comes through nicely when communicating about it with my partner which always leads me to a resolution, a point of realizing where and how I need to be the change, while also knowing yep! Can’t create a ‘perfectly clear ground’ for another being and mostly being ok with the fact that I’ll face things as we go and that it is OK as well to make mistakes, learn through consequences, etc. Otherwise I’d go into control-freakism aaaand nope! We don’t need that either.

So that’s it, hope that this may be supportive for any of you, not only parents or parents to be, but anyone facing some of ‘the worst’ that exists in our minds in a seemingly ‘normal’ way. I would not have been able to bring myself through clarity without all the Desteni tools of self support and the invaluable self-supportive material available at Eqafe.com, specifically the Parenting series and everything else that you may find there as a way to understand our minds and so understand the ways that we can change that which we see no longer supports a new way of being and living, for the best, that is, embracing the blank page every day.

Thanks for reading!

 

Pessimism

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty


493. Hitting Rock Bottom and Learning to Question It

There’s a challenge going around to share about our ‘Hitting Rock Bottom’ Experience and I can relate to what many others have shared in relation to getting to a point of seeing ‘no point’ in life or ‘finding no meaning to life’ and seeing all the consequences out there that we usually react to like wars, famine, corruption, dying of animal species, pollution and general ‘reckless behavior’ in humanity that I several times used as an excuse, a reason and justification for me to believe there is ‘no point’ in continuing living because ‘it will be impossible to change anything in this world for the better.’

I made of the reality of the world an Experience within me which became a state of anger, hopelessness, helplessness, disempowerment, lostness, depression and seeing ‘no point’ in living. What’s interesting is that my rock bottom was precisely because of not understanding my own experiences generated through my own mind by my own participation in these constant thoughts about ‘the world out there.’

I wasn’t aware that I was the one causing myself to be existing in this very tormented experience that I would cause with feeding myself of news and data about the state of affairs in the world where every single time I’d end up turning it all into an experience of powerlessness, anger towards those I believed were in positions of authority to ‘change the world’, I would  complain and criticize whoever I could without Ever asking myself… but how am I participating in all of this? How is it that I am making of all of the problems in the world this experience within me that doesn’t practically change anything at all?

I never properly asked those questions, which is why I led myself to various ways to evade myself in a belief of ‘there being nothing to live for’ or ‘the world is doomed and so am I’. I had given up on ‘the world’ and was decided to stay away ‘as much as I could’ from people and become an isolated individual that doesn’t have to participate with other people, that doesn’t have to continue being into politics and social affairs, I was making a decision to seek some truth in a spiritual manner, lol.

So yes! What I can identify as a personal life crisis was precisely happening right before I got to know of Desteni and right after I discovered it, and I’ll always say that I saved my life with Desteni’s tools of self-support and explanations to get to be aware ‘who we are’ in reality in this world, because I was willing to go down many rabbit holes in an attempt to escape reality and find some solace in some ‘higher truths’ of all kinds… not nice, not pretty even though the intent was still that of ‘wanting to make some changes in the world,’ I was about to dive deeply into the spirituality-loop where I had started to focus more on all things positive while continuing to suppress a lot of emotional turmoil, various relationships in my life that were Not supportive at all and in essence being in a very uncomfortable position where I decided to keep an appearance of ‘everything is fine and I am enjoying myself’ when I was not, at all, it was the saddest and most confusing time in my life and that’s because I had to own my decisions in life at the moment and compromise myself in the belief that I could not ‘show to the world’ how miserable I am because… what will everyone say? This was right at the beginning of my career and even if I had the friends and relationships, nope, nothing seemed to ‘lessen the void’ really.

I had a rough time back then which, by the way stopped on a day like today but 9 years ago that I watched the first Desteni videos and from there my life took another turn where I was then going to be going through a momentary ‘life crisis’ due to my reactions upon realizing who we really are and what has been going on in the world, in this reality without any of us having been aware of it throughout our entire existence! That was also a tough time because suddenly I could realize that I could drop all of my intents to find some ‘truth out there’ but then I had to actually start dismantling the ‘me’ that I had built as myself, the personalities, the ways of evading my self-responsibility, I had to start questioning and letting go of the experiences that even if they were clearly Not supportive for myself I had grown in a way addicted to live out and feed as ‘who I am’ every single day.

So I can say that starting this process was also a tempestuous time in my life which lasted around 2 days of believing that ‘my life was about to end’ when in fact, lol, that was only me as my mind throwing a massive tantrum because I could not believe that ‘my life had been an entire lie!’ – though of course this was an initial and very premature reaction which I externalized through an email to people at the Desteni forum and I was very glad to receive a personal response from now my many years friend and fellow Destonian Talamon explaining me with all the right and supportive words that all of that despair that I was experiencing was only an experience in my mind, that it wasn’t ‘the real me’ as the potential of who I am as life. Bam! That was the first time that I was able to make a decision to see my reactions as a part of me as my mind = therefore only real as long as I continue Making them real – this was me realizing that I could decide to stop, something I could decide to change and investigate to see what is behind this experience of ‘everything is lost’ and then getting to see in common sense that this was clearly one of those resistances I was acting out in my mind, which are very common when getting to know more about the truth of ourselves… we first fight it, deny it, hide away from, sometimes ‘demonize it’ it until we make that decision to see, to stand, to embrace the truth and reality which was actually the best and most empowering decision I’ve ever made in my life and one that has changed my life until today.

I find it interesting though that I can recall that ‘hitting rock bottom’ experience linked to finding about Desteni and having what I called back then a ‘massive breakdown’ of crying and being super confused and depressed, but it only took me to write an email – yes, very desperate one, lol – to get some support and I realized that indeed, I was only acting out upon it and that the actual process had yet to be started by me.

Since then there is this awareness that whenever I am driving myself into any experience of utter discomfort, reactions, sadness, depression – what do I know? I am creating it myself, I am turning my attention away from myself, in what I am accepting and allowing within me, what I am creating in my life to the all-time favorite distraction which has been of turning the ‘world affairs’ into my Own experience of depression or hopelessness. It is a personal decision I am making there to turn ‘the outside’ experience into my own experience and I have to say that till this day and year, this is something I still continue to work with because my ‘weak point’ is precisely being too focused on ‘all the problems in the world’ and then internalizing them as ‘my experience’ because I had believed that doing so makes me a person ‘that cares’ or that is willing to be in solidarity with every single sentient being that is suffering in this world – but emotions won’t ever sort out anything, emotions won’t ever create a solution to it all, only I can be and stand as a solution starting with stopping my own reactions to a few aspects of the world and in doing so, stop the very cycles in my mind that recreate those same problems in the within and without of ourselves.

Therefore hitting the rock bottom is more like a compounded experience that is entirely self-created every time that I accept and allow myself to participate in thoughts that I create emotional reactions with, using ‘logic’ as knowledge and information to justify an experience within my mind in an attempt to show care, to ‘become’ mentally and physically affected as a way to ‘stand with those that suffer’, which is really bizarre if I look at it that way because my suffering or emotional tantrums won’t ever sort anything out, yet within a righteousness as the justifications in our minds, it’s easy to create such equations and believe that if we all become emotional about something, we will be able to change it, which is not so – been there, done that, never works.

What I have  to every single time remind myself of is that I decide to create these experiences or not, that I can make a decision to stop reacting emotionally to facts, to situations going on in my world and that I have to stop feeding the ‘hopelessness’ character with every single bit of information or world-awareness fact that I could ‘add’ to the same character where I would start justifying my experience due to ‘the world out there’ – this is what has to stop, not only in me but in all of us.

The point is therefore to focus on our own stopping of the suffering cycles of emotional reactions and ‘breakdowns’ within our own mind and acknowledge the responsibility we have to our own inner experience, that’s the first thing I had to take care of right away when realizing that I was causing this tantrum/emotional breakdown in my mind and that I had the ability to stop it. It was truly as if the whole world had opened up to me in that moment and ever since, it’s been easier to step out of me ‘creating my cases’ to step into a sense of depression, helplessness, hopelessness and so forth because I would be deceiving myself into my own ways of ‘escapism’ from myself.

Instead every single time with continued diligence, self-support and learning from others in this process, I’ve been able to stand up every time and the ‘lostness’ lasts less and less every time around though, I am tested every time with this point and this ‘propensity’ to become emotional about the ‘state of the world’ and every time I have to remind myself: back to self, focusing on myself, not making of the problems ‘out there’ my inner experience because this serves nothing and no one, this doesn’t sort out any of the problems, I only wreck myself and my body with it – I have to instead live by and practically apply the principles of self-honesty, self-responsibility and self-investigation to no longer judge or react at the world ‘out there’ but rather see how I can assist myself to stop reacting and focus on my own living creation, on who and what I want to create in my life.

This is also how I stopped my ideas of ‘losing meaning on this life’ or ‘pondering about the meaning of life’ which were also questions that I would use to taunt myself into a ‘bottom’ of depression and sadness, lol, never questioning myself ‘but wait a minute, how is it that I want to make of life a piece of knowledge an information as a ‘meaning’ instead of Living it?’

I can only be eternally grateful that I’ve been able to learn how to debunk my own mental entrapments and acknowledge and apply my ability to change my experience – yet, as I explained, this is always a choice I have to make: do I decide to turn this moment into an emotional experience, or do I decide to learn to see it objectively for what it is, to see reality as is and learn from the patterns it is presenting, learning from the consequences caused, learning to see myself as co-creator of this entire world and reality where I have to no longer fall into my own ‘mind-control’ by sinking into a depression.

The the real change resides in our ability to stand clean and clear, sober, in full dedication of ourselves to LIFE, to OUR lives first and foremost because, if we are not The Best for ourselves, how can we in any way ‘assist’ others out there? How can we in any way ‘show the way’ to create solutions if we haven’t done that for ourselves first of all? And this has been a humbling realization and a very supportive one so that I could finally understand that I didn’t have to go ‘saving the world’ or ‘others’ or trying to create a ‘revolution’ out there, but start with myself.

And over these now as of today 9 years since day 1 of creating this awareness of this existential process of birthing life in the physical, all that I can say is that I am grateful to myself for allowing me to hear and ‘try out’ the tools of self-support like writing, applying self-forgiveness and developing self-honesty, developing the Courage it takes to develop self-honesty and I am definitely only in the first phase of this process with everyone else – whether aware of it or not –  there’s much more to create and keep debunking within myself as the redirection of who I am in my mind and in my reality.

However, one point that I’d like to share as a last bit of support whenever facing similar ‘existential questionings’ or ‘seeing no way out’ in this reality, remember to realize that these questions will lead nowhere, because Life is Not an Experience, Life is not Knowledge and Information, Life is about Living. And Living in the common sensical and best definition it is and implies, it’s all about applying oneself in this process that I am so fortunate to be aware of and walking in this reality, which is that of dedicating one’s life to develop self-honesty and live in common sense.

This is also why invariably the topic of ‘hitting rock bottom’ leads to me suggesting anyone to gift yourself the Desteni Process, because that is the ultimate way to debunk our ‘rock bottoms’ forever and see them for what they are: as mental tantrums – really – and instead learn to create one’s life, learn to focus on what’s really substantial to live and do in this world. We decide, we always can decide to step into life and out of the mental conundrums and conflictive experiences.

Thanks for reading

Hangouts within the DIP Channel sharing more about this topic by several Destonians:

Practical Self-Empowerment: Moving Beyond the Rock and a Hard Place

Empowerment Through Practical Solutions in a Hopeless Time

HAVE YOU LOST ALL HOPE FOR HUMANITY?

Angry at the World and Want to do Something about it?

 

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Join us in our process of Self-Responsibility as LIFE

 

 


489. Doomsday Closer to Midnight? We Decide

Scientists have moved the time of the Doomsday Clock counting down humanity’s dying days closer to midnight, with the dials now set at two and a half minutes to 12am – the highest danger level facing the planet since 1953.” – Doomsday Clock ticks closer to midnight – RT News

 

There’s two ways of deciding to interact with news like this: jumping into the fear and paranoia bandwagon and drinking up to your last days to numb the fears (essentially giving up from the get go and sabotaging your life with fears and paranoia) – or, deciding to actually consider the moment we’re living in at a global level and do some self-reflection for Self-Change because, hello! The world is not something ‘out there’ that we have to change ‘out there’, it’s about who each one of us and how we decide to live and interact in very day of our lives.

Usually this kind of announcements only focus on what certain presidents/world leaders and people in ‘high positions’ get to decide on and how they relate to each other, which becomes a comfortable spot for the rest of the population to keep ‘blaming them’ for how ‘bad’ things have gotten thus far, but here thus I of course would like to take the point back to ourselves and our potential to change.

We might not have the ‘nuclear codes’ and ultimate decision to launch nuclear weapons or not, but we obviously have our ability to stop our inner wars as inner conflicts and projected blames and conflicts toward others, wherein as the commission that gave this change in the clock stated: the greatest problem is miscommunication, words taken at face value and taken into actions that lead to hostility, fear, retaliation, defense and the rest of it which also exists in our day to day living in our interactions with each other.

The point I’d like to focus thus is the emphasis made on words,  on this escalation being based on ‘verbal attacks’ which can only exist if there’s an ego that can accept and allow to take offense on words – which would not exist if such ‘world leaders’ had walked their process to understand that any form of verbal diarrhea as an attack, threat, intention of harm and abuse only defines the one that expresses it, but cannot affect the other one when receiving it if he/she stands in self-responsibility for their own reactions.

However these words and threats can be acted out in various ways that can indeed become a point of no return  in humanity, which is what we can at least make our own part to prevent if we genuinely care for our own lives and the lives of everyone in this world as equals – all life, not only humans.

This also proves something I’ve written a few blogs ago about the ‘Trump’s administration’ Let’s Make Us F.O.O.L. Again! and what it means to ourselves in this existential process, it can serve as a catalyst to either wake up or prompt our way into self-destruction. The choice is entirely our own, individually, not as ‘nations’ or ‘presidents’ only.

The solution is in realizing that we may see things escalating everywhere and this is not based on someone’s policy or technology or armament development, or tyrant people in presidential positions – these are only manifested consequences that we might not be able to stop or change by our own hand, but we surely can decide to change who we are in the midst of it all: do we go into doomsday mentality and fatalism, seeing ‘no way out’? Or do we decide to actually realize that our lives in a very individual manner are entirely up to us and we can only disempower ourselves if we keep blaming, fighting and pointing fingers outside of ourselves demanding change, instead of focusing in rather becoming aware of the kind of intentions as words, as backchat (mind conversations) that intend any point of harm, blame, abuse, vengeance or are plain derogatory towards others, because this is where we actually have control of and reign in within ourselves: our minds, our bodies, which is why we have to stop ‘focusing out there’ for solutions, but make sure we are giving our breaths of life to become the solution in and as ourselves, individually one by one, and stop projecting solutions coming from ‘higher powers’ out there. We are the solution, we have to live as it.

So how can we use this type of announcements in a constructive manner? To not give into fear at all or potential ‘worst case scenarios’ playing in our minds, causing fear and paranoia. But instead Focus on our Lives, focus on our personal internal and external reality, to live words and so actions and attitudes that are supportive to ourselves first and so invariably they will be supportive for others at the same time.

We have stop the blame, stop desires of revenge towards anything or anyone, stop being ‘angry at the world’ and rather ask and investigate within what this anger represents within us, where are we abdicating our responsibility to stop the very thoughts that apparently ‘no one else sees’ in our minds, yet affect the core and essence of who we are, because each time we ‘give into our minds’ we become more trapped in our own ‘mind control’ in our own delusional self that is this energetic egotistical experience that we call ‘ourselves’, which is in fact the origin and cause of this ‘escalation’ happening around the world, and it’s here as consequences for all of us to Wake UP – or give into the lower version of ourselves that hides in fear, blame, disempowerment or delusional hope for change coming from out there.

I choose to keep focusing on my own life, on the change that I can affect, direct and create every day, because it is also a decision to keep feeding ourselves with all kinds of ‘gloom and doom’ that is available in the media every single day, feeding only ‘worst case scenarios’ to keep people controlled and in fear/ inferior to the situation when in fact, we have more power than we ‘think’ by actually developing our own revolution in our minds, where we stop succumbing to what the ‘airwaves’ are telling us to think and do, and in doing so not allow mind control within ourselves; because ‘Mind Control’ is not something that it is ‘imposed’ onto ourselves, we make it real by accepting it, allowing it within us as ‘how we think’ and making it real by acting upon what one is ‘fed’ as ideas, opinions, beliefs and perceptions that divide and conquer us on a daily basis.

Let’s instead focus on living and redefining words, this is the prime tool for self-creation upon understanding our ability to live words in a supportive way for oneself and for all. This takes however a decision and practical application to decide to become a human being that stands as life, as equality, as oneness, as the potential that we all are yet have buried deeper and deeper inside ourselves every single moment that we gave into an experience of anger, rage, violence, hatred, vengeance or blame towards ‘others’ instead of standing up and owning our actions and the responsibility to it all.

This is yet another opportunity wherein even if facing manifested consequences that may seem inevitable, unable to be changed, we can still decide ‘who we are’ in the face of those situations: do we give into fear and paranoia or do we stand up in self-responsibility and stability, realizing our ability to not be altered or changed ‘by others’ in how we experience ourselves, in the decisions we make.

Who we are in the mind is by now the key to actual change in this world, and what is in the mind but words, images, pictures that we use to create habits and patterns that rule our lives every single moment. Therefore, we cannot focus on what ‘world leaders’ are doing to ‘lead the world to self-destruction’, we have to focus back to ourselves, stop fooling ourselves trying to find culprits for everything that is wrong and instead dare to look within ourselves, live the words: focus on changing our own lives. That’s the key here and not only will be become then ‘immune’ to all kinds of attempts to stir fear and control, but we can also then determine the outcomes of our lives wherein we will know that ‘no matter what’ we can stand and support ourselves, instead of being ‘dragged down’ by the various consequences that are inevitably showing up as our reality individually and collectively.

It’s best to acknowledge it, stop hiding from consequences and be clear in our words and living intent to create and be what’s best for all. That’s a source of stability and self-commitment that I’d recommend anyone to do, to consider walking this process of self-creation in self-responsibility and self-awareness with the Desteni Lite Process , since it is that kind of support and personal investment that no one can ‘take away’ from you, and no ‘thought police’ can remove from your awareness. It’s about learning how to genuinely stand in self-independence while considering the whole, it’s a way to stand in freedom in our minds while at the same time learning how to live in this world system and the consequences we’ve collectively manifested as our reality.

There is no doubt that 1984 has risen to the top of book sales for a reason lately, and Orwell’s intent was to precisely show the importance of who we are in our minds that gives power to all kinds of mechanisms of control out there. So let’s keep in mind that mind control can only exist as such if we accept and allow it within ourselves.

It’s time to stop blaming the news, media, presidents, music, entertainment, videogames, foods, institutions,  governments, god, parents, your wife, your husband, your kids, your body for everything that is wrong in our lives, and start focusing on establishing principles and values that we want to live by in our own lives. That’s the power that we have, let’s use it wisely and see what we can in fact do and become if everyone stands in this same intent, in equality, around the world.

I then choose to see this ‘massive warning’ as an opportunity, a catalyst for self-change and self-investigation, and actually Do the changes that are necessary within us, so:

Let’s do it, clock is ticking.

Thanks for reading

 

Very supportive and timely audios for self-support in self-change upon facing consequences that are not ‘nice’ to face:

Nowhere to Run, Nowhere to Hide – Reptilians – Part 558

Nowhere? Oh Here! – Reptilians – Part 559

 

What am I Creating

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


464.Changing My World View

Or how I stopped feeding a back door/way out or ‘quick fix’ belief in my reality

 

A continuation on:

454. Embracing Living Potentials

 

There’s something interesting that I’ve noticed not only in myself but through and walking with various individuals I also have the opportunity to assist and support, and that is how much of our own way of looking at thing in our reality, our lives changes as we go walking through our minds which means, understanding ourselves better, getting to know the nooks and crannies of ourselves in terms of how we think, why we experience ourselves in a certain manner in certain situations, what motivates us, what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to fear, to desire, to procrastinate, to hold on to in various ways… it can be endless to get to know us to the T in all aspects. However the more that I’ve gotten to do this and worked through with myself not only to understand me, but to also directly work on changing these aspects, what tends to change as well is the way that we see the world, see our lives and so the way that we experience ourselves in it all.

I can identify with many people I work with where our minds usually tended to look for the pessimistic, fatalist and all-destructive outcomes as a sort of a desired outcome for humanity, believing that it’s the way to do justice to the Earth and Life and all other sentient beings that are not humans. However as much as this could be an acceptable idea, I also had to acknowledge and recognize the fact that a part of me actually was giving up on myself and on everyone else’s potential to change, which translates the whole point of ‘wanting an Armageddon or ultimate self-destruction’ in wanting the ‘easy way out’ while believing this is only fair to Life, that it’s fair to the animals, that it’s fair to nature etc.

Well, once that I understood my own desire to ‘run away’ from reality and justifying it within these seemingly irrefutable facts above, I stopped advocating such ideas in my head and it wasn’t something easy to stop identifying myself with, because as long as I held to my reasons, justifications and blame toward all of us humans for creating the world system ‘as is’ and causing so much destruction and suffering towards what’s here, I was focusing only on the idea of doing what seems right or fair as a form of vendetta that life could take on us, and me accepting it in a form of apparent martyrdom, lol – but more and more I started realizing that I in fact liked to entertain those thoughts of imminent destructions because in reality, I wanted an easy way out of our responsibility that we all hold and have to what is here as our creation, which is this whole world as is.

How do I see that I’ve been slowly but surely changing this approach is based on how I interact with reality. A daily example is how I watch or read news everyday as I’ve shared before in blogs, and how I continually work on not allowing information ‘get a hold of me’ and so driving myself to feed again that self-destructive or ‘end of the world’ type of desire, which became even a sort of experience at an energetic level where a part of me would be really wishing everything to just go wrong and end ‘asap’.

Here what happens when not entertaining those ‘easy way out through destruction’ thoughts any longer and making peace with the realization that: we are not going anywhere, we are here to build the solutions from the ground up, bit by bit, no matter how ‘long’ or how ‘hard’ it may seem, there is like a point of ‘making peace’ with who I am, with what is here as our reality, with what we’ve become as human beings and so instead of continually being existing in friction and conflict towards ‘us’ as the creators of what is here, ‘building my case’ to kind of ‘prove to life’ that ‘we are not worthy as human beings, that we should be eradicated from the face of the earth ASAP’, I have been instead focusing more on seeing where I can start, where do we have to start as human beings to build sustainable solutions from the ground up, and this starts at a very individual level really, which is why I and many others are focusing on this level of self-awareness and so self-creation along with others to understand how is it that as we all go changing one by one, long lasting external changes will invariably also be created as a result of this individual self-change.

With this I am implying how my way of looking at things changed from destruction to creation. I am more grounded and realistic, more ‘here’ in the sense of embracing and accepting what is existent as ourselves, as this world – not to leave it ‘as is’ of course, but to simply stop continually fighting it in a silent yet continuous mode and I can definitely say that this continuous inner fight projected on the ‘outside’ leads nowhere other than procrastinating the real process of self-change that we can start by and with ourselves first. In short, I stopped ‘blaming’ and instead focused more on starting with changing this very aspect of ‘blaming’ and projecting my own experiences onto ‘the world out there’ – self responsibility first of all.

I find it somehow easier to see reality for what it is, to go stopping the judgments that I would usually entertain and feed within the idea of still building a case as to why we are just ‘lost’ and ‘without a remedy therefore we should just cease to exist’, seeing ourselves – human beings – as a cosmic joke, a mistake that should have never been and it is this kind of experiences of disgust, misanthropy in a way and a deep desire to just ‘end it all’ that would continually cloud my view of reality even in subtle yet ever present ways that would be creating this noise for me to not be able to see the potential in me and so in others in a full and crystal clear manner, because there were these constant back doors within me as seemingly ‘hidden desires’ for a ‘quick fix’ really, a way to just ‘end it all’ and not have to face the actual process of learning to recognize and take responsibility for our creation, to understand what is it that we’ve exactly accepted and allowed and so be willing to self forgive, let go of that past and do the work to actually change ourselves to something that we can live with and stand by for the rest of our existence.

Here it’s clear for me to see that one can have the greatest understanding of things and be agreeing with principles and ideas that represent a better outcome for all life, but I saw myself how as long as I held on to these ‘backdoors’ as ‘way outs’ that I still held as something that ‘makes sense’ that is ‘justifiable’ and is an ‘acceptable’ thing to exist within me, I would still eventually exert those beliefs as experiences and judgments that I would project onto ‘humanity’ out there. It’s interesting because I didn’t create a particular ‘personal fight’ against a particular faction of human beings, but all of them/us ‘en masse’ and so whenever doing that exercise where one can bring up the first word that comes to mind when holding in our minds an image of humanity, all that came up in me was an experience I can encompass as disdain, despair, disappointment, disgust, things that represented that part of myself that was not yet seeing the potential that each one of us hold within ourselves, which is of course yet to be developed.

So, upon walking those judgments that would turn into experiences that I would project towards ‘humanity’, I realized how I was only doing what most of us human beings do: blame, being lame in seeing others as ‘the problem’ for what we are experiencing, which as much as I could have reasons and validations for this experience with me based on the, yes, obvious destruction and enslavement we’ve imposed to all life, I had to also realize that there is really no point in blaming as that only keeps me locked into this fatalist experience, seeing no potentials in other beings – therefore within myself – and at the same time, it becomes a comfort zone to not actually change me, challenge me, my views because I believe that ‘I am right, I am making a point with those desires!’ – but that righteousness is precisely what easily blinds us from understanding where we are in fact still reacting, still blaming  – even in very subtle ways – like in the form of ‘doing justice’ or ‘doing what’s right’ yet still holding such experience within me that came from a starting point of giving up, of not wanting to do the actual work and dedication it will take to sort anything out in this world, starting with ourselves.

Therefore, I find it very relevant to check every time that I see myself getting again into that ‘despondent’ experience within me, where I start again building my ‘web’ or my case for seeing ‘no way out’ for us as human beings, which can be as easily as going into the streets and making a mind-decision to focus more on all the things that are wrong, that are consequential, that are creating problems, all the interactions between people that seem problematic and emotional, all the poverty, all the disregard for one another and go building my case as to why it is futile to stand up for any change because ‘look at humanity! It’s impossible!’ Really?

I’ll dare to say nope, it’s not – because I am living this change myself and I am walking it in a very real time process with people in my life that many others could have probably given up on long ago, which is still a process to walk but every day It assists me in seeing what is possible in real time change, only requiring a directive decision and awareness by each one of us to do so, and it’s quite marvelous and I can say for the first time this is not only me doing it in my own life, but also seeing it first hand in the lives of many that I also have the fortune to be walking with in this process and assisting directly as well in their personal Desteni I Process courses.

So whenever I get to feel ‘despondent’ towards the things out there in the world, whenever I get to feel that way in ‘rough times’ I can now use yesterday’s word and remind myself of Hope as an indication that my experience is letting me know there are new ways to explore to create solutions, there is a need to check within myself where is it that I am giving up and so how can I practically create ways through and solutions to the situation I am in or that I can contribute to in the lives of others.

I can therefore openly say that we are the hope for humanity, for real, because we are actively working individually and together in many parts around the world to start one by one creating and sticking to living this self-change that for many that have come and gone, seemed impossible. I definitely can understand all the reasons of why some decided to not follow through with it, I can understand every weakness that leads oneself to make such decisions because in one way or another, I’ve faced those myself in many ways including intense manners as well. But I am also glad to say that those were supportive challenges for me to continually re-affirm my vow to my life and the life in everything/us all – they have been parts of what I can call ‘the eye of the needle’ tests that I’m sure I’ll have to keep on walking through because this is only what is common sensical to do if we are to stand as individuals that can truly stand one and equal to life in all ways, I would not allow half-ways or dubious selves to be part of it.

This is then a realization and sharing of one of  my most tricky, yet ever present, obstacles that I have been able to ‘crackdown’ within myself in the past few months, and it’s quite a lol as well because it’s that which I had become or ‘lived’ within myself to such an extent that I was not even questioning such ‘nature’ in me as this character or set of patterns that saw ‘no way out’ but still found it important to stick to walking this process, while I was still holding on to a part of my easy-way-out ego that preferred to not see potential so as to not have to do the actual work to unearth it, ‘carve it out’, sculpt it and polish it so to speak, which means to actually develop and create something. In essence, diminishing myself in the belief that I could not ‘keep up with’ or be able to stick through the actual process to do this, but here I am going to challenge and prove that self-belief wrong by doing this for real.

This year is coming to an end and as much as it is funny to see people in social media ‘hating’ 2016, I more like understand where that sentiment is coming from, and as much as I could have joined that same charade in older times, I stand corrected with gratefulness for all the various challenges and changes and definitive decisions I took on this year which were quite a few, all of them having their ‘2 cents’ forcing me to look at deeper within me in order to process stuff, to change, which is great I mean, how else could I have gotten to that if it wasn’t for these challenges in our reality?

So, one thing is certain and that is how I definitely don’t see the world as I used to at the beginning of this year, I am committing myself to keep developing that focus on potential, on what is possible, on what can be worked on, carved out, sculpted and polish in each one of us and it’s truly gratifying to do this, I cannot be more grateful than being able to have the trust and confidence of other people walking this process directly with me as assisting them in walking through this same process in a parallel mode with myself, which is definitely not only a ‘one way’ form of support, it’s absolutely mutual as well. I definitely would like us all human beings to be able to do this for each other, to create relationships of support, care, nurturing each other’s lives and having that starting point of being there for each other, genuinely care to contribute in someone’s life to be better in whichever way we can, that’s what to me life is about, at least my current definition of course, but has certainly become one of my living purposes without a doubt.

Looking back to ‘check ourselves’ is cool and to keep a note on all the points yet to be worked on in the following year.

Thanks for reading aaand

Please give yourself some time to hear this awesome episode of Desteni Radio that definitely inspired and evoked this reflection within me today:

 

Desteni Radio # 10 – Joe Goes Mad Part 2: There is no Quick Fix

 

and a great quote from it:

 

Joe

 

If you’d like some support in preventing and being 1+ person that stands up for life in a practical day to day living manner, check out:


454. Embracing Living Potentials

(Or how I plan to get rid of the ‘Doomsday character’)

 

Self-Forgiveness on the previous blog I shared

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as self-sabotage whenever I give into the usual known experiences of ‘gloom and doom’ or sticking to seeing only the ‘bad stuff’ or destructive aspects and patterns in everything and everyone wherein I then create an experience of discomfort, not being able to fully embrace a situation, a person, an event or circumstance that represents actual growth, change, expansion, expression and reacting within my mind by  defining it as ‘too positive’ or ‘too good to be true’ ‘not realistic’ when it comes to comparing it to the ‘reality of the world out there’ –  yet at the same time seeing it as a proof of potential, of growth, of self support, of self-creation that I then react to in a physical manner in a form of discomfort, which I translate to a disempowerment of sorts by believing that ‘that is too good to be true’ or ‘it’s not realistic’ or ‘it’s too positive’ and within this, I excuse myself from actually doing the necessary process of change for me to stand one and equal to such potential and possibilities for self-creation and self-expansion.

This happens when I go into my mind to qualify or attach a particular experience to a moment or situation, wherein I have programmed myself to react in a form of limitation as a ‘blockage’ in my experience whenever I perceive or define something as being enjoyable, of happiness, of ‘goodness’ as something constructive or plainly enjoyable or even pleasurable, wherein I then believe that I have to ‘stick to reality’ and not fully embrace it – here defining ‘reality’ as something that is not good, not supportive, of destruction, of sadness, of suffering and in doing this, I go qualifying my experience towards everything in a polarity mode, wherein I feel comfortable and ‘ok’ to remain in the ‘same old’ or ‘usual’ experience of comfort and normalcy associated with things remaining in the current status-quo of generally not being growing, expanding, supportive and oddly enough, I have not been able to establish who do I want to be in the face of all of that which is constructive, of growth and expansion and expression and enjoyment for what it is, wherein I have become so used to immediately tell myself that ‘this is not reality, this is not aligned with the truth and experience of the majority in this world, therefore, I must give up on it, I must not enjoy it, I must not be part of it, I must stick to reminding myself and everyone else about the fuckedupness in this world’ – in this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in this desire to make of myself a ‘reminder’ of ‘all things that are wrong in this world’ through creating an experience within me that ‘rejects’ or ‘reacts’ to actual living change – in doing so I recreate and continue to exist as that ‘status-quo’ of not changing, remaining in an ‘unfortunate’ self-experience, denying my self to create myself into something that I would genuinely enjoy being and expressing as me, because of judging it as ‘not being aligned with the rest of everyone’s experience’ –

but here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is a polarity I am holding in my mind, wherein in self honesty, it also becomes a way for me to be comfortable within ‘the same old me’ and not pushing myself outside of my comfort zone, which means I use the knowledge and information and awareness of how ‘the world is at this moment/how people in this world, the majority of them, are experiencing themselves, the animals, the environment in general’ and use this as an excuse, a reason and justification as to WHY I am apparently not able to stand up in a moment, let go of my own bitterness, gloom and doom within myself in the face of seeing potential, seeing evidence of change and self-creation and so instead Stand up as the change, live as the determination, creativity, perseverance and expression that I’d like everyone in this world to exist as, of course in consideration of what is best for all.

I realize that I have been denying myself the experience of growth, expression, creation, expansion within me in my life, even in the smallest details based on using knowledge and information as to why I am supposed to almost be a ‘martyr’ in the name of the rest of the world – but here, it’s just a ‘good face’ to cover up something else in fact. Within that ‘experience’ I am in fact justifying me not changing, not standing up to my own words of that which I would like others to live for themselves, and not just the poor and unfortunate ones, but everyone equally.

Therefore I have to stop living in spite in reality, spite that has been covered up as a notion of ‘I am on the side of the unfortunate ones, I am a martyr for not enjoying the things that others do enjoy and create for themselves in their lives’ and in doing this, actually become spiteful to others that do actually stand up to create the lives and experiences that they want for themselves and stand as their own creation that surely, it is also something that could be very supportive and cool for many more to create and enjoy equally.

It is quite paradoxical that in a supposed attempt to ‘do good’ to others or stand in ‘mourn’ for those unfortunate ones, I believe that denying all the ‘good things’ in life is a way to ‘honor them’ when in fact, I become the very perpetuator of self-limitation, of ‘the system’ itself that we’ve created as our own limitation, as our own enslavement, therefore in no way am I actually standing up ‘for others’ or for anything really, I am only using that awareness as a source of limitation for myself.

Here I also have to realize that based on the current situation of our world system, money system, many things are just not possible to create in equality as in wanting everyone to ‘have the same’ as I do or as I see others can create for themselves, and this is part of our manifested consequences of separation creating inequality and creating differential access to even the basics in this reality. But these are only FACTS, these are the ways in which the world is currently working. Therefore ME creating an Experience about this and reacting to it with anger, sadness, commiseration, misery within myself about it specially in moments where actual living creation and expression exists as a potential, is not being a solution to these problems in the world, is not me standing as the solution of who and what I’d like everyone to exist as and live as in this world, be a genuine and full example of that – but instead, I ‘close up’ and go into this very subtle yet present experience of wanting to stand as a representation of ‘all the bad things’ that are going on in life and be a constant reminder of that toward others, wherein I realize that it’s not about now completely ‘being positive’ all the time and making of it an energetic experience, it is about paving the way for and opening myself up to actually embrace the potential of creation, of life.

I also see that a solution to this whole point is about embracing the reality without a judgment, without qualifying it as positive or negative, but rather assessing it in common sense which means seeing ‘what is best for all’. Because otherwise I trap myself into defining all things related to growth, expansion, expression and enjoyment within a ‘positive experience’ that I then go into opposing with ‘all things negative’ apparently to stand as a ‘balancing point’ to the situation, but in this it’s not really about ‘What I want to remind others about,’ I only end up screwing myself because I don’t get to change the things I want to stand as a ‘reminder of’ for others, in terms of the misery, the suffering, the poverty, the unfortunate experience, and at the same time I don’t get to assist myself to actually learn how to Embrace the potential of self-creation, of growth, expansion, development, enjoyment and the ability to ‘play’ with life which are just that, actions, decisions, outcomes that I then have to assess in common sense if they are genuinely supportive, if they are sustainable, if they are a point of self-expression, if they don’t compromise myself or others in any way – and so instead of going into the polarity of the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and me embodying mostly that ‘bad’ or ‘negative’ in the presence of all things I have defined as ‘good’ or ‘positive’ – I rather embrace such potentials, such moments which I actually should be grateful for.

Today I actually dreamed of my partner being this point for me, because I dreamed that we were in two separate rooms in the same house, and I was ‘very busy’ as my ‘usual self’ in my room and he would just knock at the door and start dancing in the hall way and even through the stairs, which in that moment in my dream really assisted me to ‘get out of my seriousness’ for a moment and embrace that laugh, like I Allowed myself to precisely laugh at the moment while being quite glad that he was expressing himself in that way in a moment and sharing it with me. This means that this point of enjoyment I would have usually ‘denied’ this expression of myself in the moment because of considering it as ‘not important’ or ‘too happy for me’ or ‘too superficial’ or whatever, but in ‘waking life’ this is also becoming a point of expression and embracing it as well, which has been cool and a whole nother topic, but relates a bit to transcending some of that usual ‘knee jerk’ reaction to ‘expression’ for example.

I don’t ‘lose face’ for doing so or I don’t become ‘less serious about life’ with it, it’s actually the other way around: the more I want to stick to representing and embodying the ‘nature of the system, the nature of the reality for everyone out there’ as this doom and gloom, the more I create it, accept it and allow it within and so within others and as this reality.

This is quite a revelation for myself because how can I go desiring ‘change’ in this world if I am not fully embracing and standing as the very pillar in all of my being to embrace such change and constructive and expressive outcomes that are possible for all of us if we decide to stand as it as well? It is impossible if I continue to want to in a way sabotage it or maim it or expect it to ‘not work out’ after all – yep, quite the ‘evil’ as reverse of life here – and so it becomes a way to justify ‘my experience’ in the face of change and constructive, expressive, enjoyable moments and I become my very own obstacle, my very own ‘challenging experience’ that is actually not of Life.

 Life is not experiencing itself as ‘emotional’ stuckness, but it finds a way to continue, to grow, to purify, to adapt, to expand, always, even if all around and all the ‘variables’ are against it, the proof is we are still here so that potential is also within ourselves– and that’s what I decide here to stand as and decide to live in every moment as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my addiction to doom and gloom and believing that ‘I was more grounded in reality by embodying or constantly ‘bringing up into my experience’ – notice as an EXPERIENCE – the same or similar things that I actually only can Imagine people out there are going through in an attempt to ‘make a stand for them’ as in making of myself that embodiment, as the ‘one point’ that almost wants to ‘rain down on everyone’s parade’ as a reminder of ‘how things are not ok in life and in this world’ therefore ‘I cannot just join in the constructive and supportive and expressive side’ and let go of what I have defined as my ‘real side’ – all things related to sadness, suffering, self sabotage, destruction, doom and gloom – which is in fact just a personality trait and experience that I’ve become so used to ‘being in’/existing as.

 In this I realize that all the times I’ve recoiled or criticized people that I have judged or even spited as ‘too happy’ or ‘too expressive’ were actually moments where I could see that there was this inner struggle, inner ‘battle’ to embrace that as me or a potential of myself, which is in fact the change to create and make space for within myself (out of my comfort zone) – therefore, in a way becoming like the character of ‘Wednesday’ (Merlina in spanish) Addams when being around all the happy kids in the camp and standing as that one point and reminder of all things related to the ‘opposite’ the kind of happiness everyone was up to there – lol – which is kind of funny because it relates very much to a personality trait I’ve become and embodied as myself, and that has actually already caused me some health situations before based on this constant ‘mourn’ in a subtle manner that exists based on focusing and reacting to ‘all the bad stuff’ going on in the world and in a way ‘re-enacting’ it within myself whenever I am confronted with something of supportive or what I had defined as ‘positive’ in nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of having this ‘undefined undercurrent experience within me that I don’t know what it is’ as apparently something that was ‘beyond my reach to change’, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that ‘this is always going to be with me’ and ‘I cannot change it’ because ‘It’s the nature of my beingness’ wherein even if that is so in terms of how we’ve all programmed ourselves to the core to stand as separation, as all things ‘of the mind’, no matter what, we can still make that constant decision to not ‘follow the mind flow’ or ‘the usual experience’ but instead actually stand as that self-creation point In the moment, and how I see that it will be is making a seemingly ‘small shift’ within myself wherein instead of judging something or someone that is constructive, expressive, playful and showing that potential of what life is and can be, I allow myself to embrace that/them as myself, as something I must physically create space for and embrace within myself, and this is possible once that I do not ‘fill in the gap’ in that moment with the usual ‘me’ that is accustomed to yes seeing the benefit of change, growth, expansion, expression, self-creation and agreeing with it at a Consciousness or Mind level, but at a BEING level, I have not yet been fully ‘in it and as it’ as the totality of who I am.

Therefore this is where I have to become very aware of these subtle moments where this seemingly ‘undefined’ discomfort emerges in me upon witnessing growth, expansion, expression, enjoyment, playfulness and life in its multiple ways and expressions emerging, and so in that moment I can decide to deliberately take a deep breath so as to ‘make space’ for this new me to embrace these potentials that a situation, a person, an environment is presenting to me and that I can decide to be a part of it without judging it as ‘positive’ standing as a counter act to ‘all the negative’ – I have to in this moment let go of my usual ‘equation’ or ‘balancing act’ of me standing as the ‘reminder of all the bad things in the world’ and actually make space and learn how to stand as that ‘embracing of life’ within and as myself.

 

It’s interesting because for the most part what I’ve done in this deliberate decision to do supportive things for myself and others is that yes, it has felt as very unnatural, but I also realize how this seemingly experience of ‘going against the flow’ also has to do with a resistance to change, to put it bluntly and simply really, because only a resistance persists in a particular ‘inertia’ state and not being fully willing to change or making it ‘difficult’ but in my case, it is definitely a matter of a decision to do so.

Yes, it might probably feel like I am entirely going ‘against my grain and core’ but I have to remind myself that if this is the nature of my beingness as ‘evil’ as the reverse of life that isn’t able to embrace life and all of its potential as me, as a possibility and reality for me; then how can I in any way continue ‘advocating for change’ or be ‘promoting change’ or ‘expect the world to change’ if I am not ENTIRELY to the core of my being living, embodying and existing as that very life within myself.

Here, I have to treat this the same way as I have treated any other addiction really, because it’s a comfort zone, it becomes a justification to all things that we believe ‘are not up for us to change or challenges as who we are’ when in fact, I can see the obviousness of how if there’s anything that I am reacting to or subtly creating a discomfort about a point of expansion, of potential, of life, change and growth, I must stand fully as my awareness of this particular pattern of addiction to pessimism and doom and gloom and ‘things not changing’ and ‘remembering the suffering of everyone else in the world’ and realize that it is completely Futile/useless for me to turn those facts into a personal experience as an emotion within me, that I am in fact Not changing myself and not working/standing/applying myself to be the change in itself even to the core of my being, which practically means ‘not just agreeing with words’ but make that actual shift at core level of the nature of myself that I want to live by and express as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dishonor life in this blatant way, by holding on to my ‘preferred’ states of being with subtle rejoicing at all things destructive and of the mind which are in no way an actual demonstration of me being an example of ‘living life’ but more like continuing the trend of our entire existence of self-sabotage and comfort in self destruction, seeking change ‘out there’ instead of focusing to the detail of myself here, which is where I can empower myself as change.

 

I’ve realized through all the supportive interviews at Eqafe.com that there’s a very simple way to ground these seemingly ‘undefined’ experiences into a solution by directly asking myself: “what am I hiding, covering up, justifying, excusing and validating with ‘my experience’? or “What am I NOT wanting to take responsibility for in my life, in my experience that stands as a form of spite in the face of life?”

Is all of this something that is pretty to face and acknowledge exists within oneself? Nope, and I could go into shame as to ‘how the hell have I allowed this to exist within me!?’ and into blame and feeling bad about it, lol – that would only catapult myself back to where I was before opening up this whole point so, that’s how judging one’s actions is a double-layer fuck-up that can be short-circuited by deciding NOT to judge what we’ve lived and become, and instead just Directly and straight-forward go to the solutions, to the decisions of changes to be made, to the actual practicing and embodying of the change that I have paid lip-service for, but that I had not actually fully embraced to the core of my being as a potential yet to develop and create, and nurture within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question my almost hatred and disdain towards that one aspect that my grandmother represented for me as the person that will always ‘feel bad’ about herself and only think about being sick and ill and even in the face of getting all the attention and support, sticking to complaining and making a big fuzz about things and almost like becoming addicted to conflict and fighting for her limitations, constant complain in most interactions I had with her and to judge her for that instead of first realizing that there is also a reason why she was like that.

So once that I looked and got to know of her entire life some of this made sense, but then I could also see how she literally abandoned herself, her life, her body, killing herself even if consciously ‘wanting to live’ and taking her meds, because her actions towards her body, her thoughts, her very relationships were not entirely that of actually wanting to stand as life, but more like the contrary. Here I have to forgive myself for judging my grandmother as this person that everyone in my family got to know I had a ‘conflictive’ relationship with, which also reflected how I wasn’t willing or even aware of taking such points that I disliked about her personality and her mind, and take them back to myself to see how I am living and embodying those same points within myself.

Of course when doing this, it’s not going to be ‘the exact same things’ she used to be and stand as, but I can read the pattern in terms of how I subtly‘cannot stand’  to see progress and development even if through my words and voice I can agree with it and support it, but I haven’t yet made the actual ‘space’ so to speak to truly embrace this as myself as an actual potential/possibility that exists for me, as myself, and for others as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss out the obvious points when it comes to investigating how I relate to and have judged some members in my family for showing certain traits that I’ve defined as plain horrible such as how it seems that anyone’s well being or good fortune creates a discomfort in them, and how I could ‘not make sense of it’ because of how I could not fathom – apparently – that someone could feel that way in the face of potential and support and  growth/expansion! – yet I have done the exact same thing yet not seeing it for what it actually is, but suppressing it interestingly enough as this nature of ‘how I am’ and not questioning it.

So, the devil is in the detail as in I have thought that as long as I deliberately utter words that are supportive and geared to create solutions, I was being the solution – but this is more of a physical experience that I am now aware of is there as an undercurrent/underlying presence that I had not challenged/question to the core within myself, therefore this is more of a physical embracing of life itself, not only at a knowledge and information level, but as a … how to explain it? A making of space and so a deliberate stand to embrace such potential, growth, expansion, awareness, change, development, expression, self-creation.

I’ve seen how many of us that are ‘too concerned’ about the world out there actually become this very ‘problem’ ourselves where we focus too damned much in the ‘outside’ that we forget to look at the very details of how, where and why we are creating this very same problem or recreation of friction and conflict within ourselves in our minds, thoughts, experiences and we don’t even question it or notice it and that’s a huge problem, because then we will recreate our addiction to only seeing the problems, to the hidden and covert ‘blame’ towards whatever or whoever or the system itself for why things not change, instead of realizing change as myself at this very core, not only in thought, word and deed or ‘good intentions’, because I’ve thought I was doing it, but this is also a BEING decision, a who I am and how I relate to or decide to express myself In the face of seeing/witnessing/standing in front of and in the midst of potential, growth, expansion, change, development, support, enjoyment and all of that which I have denied within myself as a potential of myself.

I can see that in both of my family lines, the constant experience was that of suffering, of pain, of dread, of depression, of inferiority, of melancholy and the rest of it, so, this is something that had become so ‘natural’ to me that I had not questioned it yet I can see this almost ‘addiction’ to misery of sorts, very weird! Yes but not to judge it any further though, but to understand it as just another way in which we function in our minds – some people are geared to the ‘happy’ and ‘all things positive’ in their minds, and some others are the opposite and I happened to be geared more in the ‘opposite’ so, I am just part of that polarity that divides ourselves in experiences instead of rather being able to embrace potential as life, undefined of ‘charges’.

I realize that it has been a very sneaky and subtle way for me to actually disempower myself when it comes to embracing possibilities of change, wherein a form of pessimism or negativity or ‘sticking to the reality of the majority’ becomes a comfort zone as well, wherein I use that as a reason and excuse of why I cannot embrace that change, expansion, possibility, creativity, expression within myself. And this is exactly the kind of personality I have embodied for most of my life.

Who I am within using ‘the facts’ as the reality of what is here in this world as an excuse of why I cannot embrace that potential of expansion, growth, expression, enjoyment as myself? I am avoiding responsibility to change myself, I am abdicating my own ability and going into a disempowerment which becomes also a comfort zone as to ‘why I cannot do anything to change the WHOOOLE world and system out there’ therefore, I remain in this sense of ‘stuckness’ to not take the point absolutely back to myself and see how I am still reacting and accepting this experience as ‘unchangeable’ within me, even in the most subtle/tiny experiences and situations when in fact, if there is one place where I can in fact stand fully as the change, is within myself.

So I essentially have to stop using the world, the ‘state of affairs’ of how things currently are as an excuse, reason and justification of why I cannot embrace actual and genuine change as in embracing and so giving creation to what exists as a potential of growth, development, expansion, self-creation and self-expression, wherein it has become easier for me to agree to it ‘at a mind level’ but not yet fully embrace it as the new nature of my being that I decide to live by – which is a great, great difference.

In my sneaky mind I validated this experience as something ‘true’ to myself, I even saw it as a way of being ‘compassionate’ to others maybe, a way to ‘care for others’ but this exists only as a moral facade really, as a ‘caring for others’ at a personality level, because as long as I don’t care entirely to change this very mechanism of spitefulness within me, how can I dare to say ‘I care for others and change in the world?’ I Cannot, because the very reaction that I am presenting to such actual change and possibilities is that of the reverse of embracing it, and that cannot continue being so in my being.

And this is something that I know for a fact is not only existent ‘in me’: our very nature at a mind and beingness level is that of containing some form of self-destruction, to keep ourselves controlled and in the comfortable illusion of disempowerment.

It is in that comfortable illusion of ‘being disempowered’ that we become the very embodiment of the systems that we are trying to apparently ‘change’ out there… this is so essential to understand really, it can potentially define the entire starting point that anyone can have toward creating ‘change’ in fact, and that’s how I’ve explained in past blogs that I no longer seek the change ‘out there’ but rather focus on the very necessary and indispensable change within each one of us, and it begins with these subtle changes that might take some attention and focus to become aware of, but one simply knows when there’s something ‘coming up’ as an experience in ourselves and that’s already a reaction, might not be a set of thoughts but subtle physical experiences, and that is IT.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this seemingly underlying experience within me that emerges every time there’s a witnessing or awareness on constructive, self supportive, developments, growth, self-creation and all things that are actually supportive wherein I would have a ‘discomfort’ within me, very subtle – yet brushed it aside every time, hoping it would ‘change’ itself, but I had not realized that it’s not so much me rationalizing ‘change’ but also at a being level making a decision to embrace these potentials as the life that exists within me, as the examples others are presenting of this and rather be grateful that I am seeing this now, rather than ‘later on’ or ‘never’ and continuing ‘tolerating’ my mind as this subtle physical experience.

 I realize that my affinity with doom and gloom is a way of keeping myself in a personality trait that even if I can in common sense I’ve seen the benefits of learning to live in a supportive manner, at a very deep/being level I wasn’t making that whole decision for myself entirely, but more at a knowledge and information level, more of a ‘moral’ stand point if you will instead of making the actual space to embrace and so develop such potentials to then focus on creating them as myself, as what I have yet to create as myself which sure, I have no ‘scheme’ or ‘predefined’ sets for, but I have seen glimpses of my potential and expression and abilities and skills, so I can continue developing those further and continuing learning from others, embracing them as examples I can learn from, which are other human beings in this same process that I learn a lot from, which is remarkable to say the  least and demonstrates the possibility of this at a humanity level.

This is a one point I ‘brushed off’ aside for so long I see, and all I can say is that this will be quite the challenge for me based on the subtle yet very noticeable change to be made here… I shall report back in time how I go bringing it into creation, into application in real time which is what this process is all about. Here I only suggest to be aware of points like these because it might get to a point where it’s not necessarily a set of thoughts popping into one’s head, but a very, very subtle physical reaction that one knows ‘it’s there’ and one has to then open it up to see it for what it is, to understand the pattern when it emerges and so see deeper into it.

That’s it for now, thanks for reading

 

Suggested recordings for the day:

 

 

Merlina Addams

 

LOL!

 

Learn and walk with us how to Embrace and Create Life here:


453. Raining Down on Everyone’s Parade

 

I had a very revealing dream to myself this night and it’s interesting because I had a brief episode of sickness yesterday and slept quite a long time and I remember seeing this one dream closer to the time of waking up. Anyways what this dream reveals to myself, to the T, is that one aspect of myself that I have seen exists in me in a very almost self-sabotaging manner when it comes to embracing the ‘good stuff’ in life. Throughout these years I’ve shared how I have had a tendency to be comfortable in all things gloom and doom. That’s just how some of us have wired ourselves wherein instead of seeking comfort in the positive and nice fluffy things, we create a comfort in seeing everything wrong, incapable of changing, in a way yes existing in defeatism and seeing ‘no way out’, which I’ve come to understand is a way of yes giving up and not doing the actual work it entails to get things working out, to create something, to move on, to develop, to persevere with what we see in common sense is best for all and so ourselves.

Some of the most obvious aspects of this tendency to remaining in ‘all things gloom and doom’ I have been able to be deliberately changing and you know what, that has been one difficult thing for me to do, because it involves deliberately sticking to see the potential in everything, to deliberately create ways to establish solutions, to deliberately push through something until completion and not giving up on me or others, or life itself.

What emerged in the dream though is something that I had not entirely been able to pin-point even though I’ve been ‘in it’ for I’d say my whole life. How to define this experience in me? How I’ve experienced it and it became this very puzzling sensation in me is how even while being in the most supportive environments on earth, I could not entirely embrace that which I perceived as happiness or wellbeing or enjoyment around me, I FELT that it was quite a fake thing to embrace that expression and potential in me because of thinking/going into my mind and assessing: “hey look at the world, this is not a happy go lucky place, people, animals, life is suffering, what the hell am I doing here just trying to ‘be happy’ and joyful?” This is really not a nice experience because it’s like you can see others genuinely expressing themselves and being enjoying things but I just couldn’t, because of this ‘thorn’ like experience that I had wherein even if at a logical level it made sense and it was cool, there was this something in my experience that would just not embrace it.

This is exactly that one little stingy thing that has been ‘here as myself’ for so long and I hadn’t been able to point it out before, because it’s constantly there, it’s underlying most of the time in my every moment and interaction and how I spot it is how one kind of rejoices when things are going wrong in a way, when more gloom and doom exists and how I get into this very ‘uncomfortable’ experience when seeing growth, development, expansion, potentials, wellbeing… I know, it is even a bit shameful to say so because I have been deliberately advocating for that wellbeing, but I most of the times kept only those that are mostly currently disenfranchised to be given that wellbeing, I have not been entirely including myself in that wellbeing to be honest, I have desired it for others that are having a real bad time on Earth and that’s it. In a way, secretly desiring that the rest of us rather get ‘lemons in life’ for the assholes we’ve been to everyone else that we’ve left behind. Yes, this is a vengeance construct that includes me as the one that shouldn’t be able to ‘enjoy’ anything in life because of who we’ve been and what we’ve created. Yes, this can also be more like a form of punishment, but I here also realize that it doesn’t work as a ‘learning lesson’ if I genuinely wanted to change me and others, we’ve had tons of consequence in this world and we haven’t yet ‘had enough’ of it it seems. So, my logic is all wrong in this case.

But here, what I just wrote above is how we go making up excuses and pointing others as the cause and masking ‘good causes’ with a deep desire for things going wrong in a way, a part of myself has existed as that where whenever there’s any opportunity to ‘plan’ or ‘project’ very cool stuff for others in this world, I just can’t, I blank out, I cannot see further and find it even as too much of an ‘illusion’ to go into such kind of ideas or potentials, and that’s why I have focused on what’s here in the moment, the day to work with but still find it difficult to have this ‘blank slate’ and paint my perfect picture even if I could, even if the world was in that ready-for-creation state… and this as I see it can only mean that I don’t know yet, because I haven’t created it yet and I have to stop seeing it as this very evil/bad thing of myself to freeze out in all things good and potential and not being able to kind of ‘compute’ to it or embrace it, because I haven’t been doing that for myself yet, I haven’t let go of this other ‘vein’ that runs through me that wants to keep everything in a fucked-up status-quo. Yes, not the best thing to say or consider isn’t it? But I have also seen that even if we don’t want to admit this to ourselves, this is how we are wired in our minds for the most part when we are not self-directive, we drive ourselves to an inherent self-sabotage because we actually don’t want to do the work, the effort, the discipline, the changes required to truly embrace and nurture that potential in ourselves… in a way, we want to keep ourselves as addicts of the bad life, in whichever way or form it exists for each one of us.

Is this sad and shameful to realize? Yes it is for myself, absolutely, I was ashamed the moment that I realized in my dream how I was attempting to deliberately ‘bring others down with me’ because of my experience, instead of being the one that steps up to change myself, my experience in that moment and let go of my self-definitions and limitations.

If anything this is what I can define as the ‘evil’ inside me, that can’t rejoice in all things constructive and positive and expansive and supportive, but always awaits to see something going down again, to eventually want it to be broken, to be ‘in the same old’ misery, which is also where it is very much a weird thing for me to say, and this is a part of me that exists in me, that I have been deliberately changing and correcting throughout the years, yet it is still unexplainable if it will ever go away as this underlying experience in me, as the real nature of me that I will have to continually manage and override with a deliberate constant creation of the me that I would be in common sense willing to live and express as myself.

See, why I say the words deliberately creating and considering common sense, because if I didn’t, I would still ‘rather prefer’ – me as the mind – to have things not changing, to stay in a ‘comfort zone’ of self sabotage, of not growing, not expanding, not looking into the future in seeing the potential of what I’d like to be and create – and these are still points I have to look at deeply within me, how even if I am advocating for principled living and doing what’s best, it is something I deliberately do, it’s not natural, I don’t precisely feel ‘comfortable’ doing so all the time and still there are these moments where there’s a part of me that recoils at the notion of something growing, expanding, being happy, cringing at success so to speak…. And I get the image of my grandmother with this, and some other people in my life that I had seen tend to have the same set-up and this is where I realize: I want to stop the cycle of limitation, of pity, of misery, of recoiling at someone else’s thriving experience and here I see how this can be a generational thing as well that we mask with ‘fake gladness’ towards others, yet in the inside it’s like we cannot stand someone’s happiness or wellbeing and thriving… and this is in all cases my definition of that evil that exists in me.

 

 

So yesterday I was chatting with my buddy and I mentioned this point of how there was this interview that was published on Eqafe.com that I absolutely ‘resonated’ with in terms of wanting to get all of the ‘secret stuff’ out in the open to finally see it and acknowledge it, its name is the Consequence of Suppression. And I did tell her in a rhetorical self-questioning, that ‘I’d like to know for myself what those ‘deep secrets’ are’, because there are some say rather ‘meaningless’ stuff that I’ve worked with before in terms of ‘secrets’, but somehow I wasn’t seeing This very point I’ll explain here. So it’s like I made the question and I got a partial answer to it through this dream, which I am quite grateful for.

In this dream I was at my grandmother’s house…. I never liked going there, I didn’t have a good relationship with her either because…. lol! She represented exactly – most likely – this pattern that I am about to explain, so the fact that I was there with my partner and some in my family already was like an interesting set up because I had not dreamed of that house in a long time, even though I didn’t see her there either, she’s dead too. I was told by my mother how we would only make a ‘stop’ there in the house for a short period of time, we were on our way somewhere else, which is why I was ‘ok’ with being there – noticing here already the conditioning aspect. This ‘conditionality’ aspect means to have others do what I say or want based on my preferences, which is one hell of a controlling mechanism that I have imposed onto others around me, big time. Meaning if they said ‘we will be there for a short time’ that should be IT and if other contingencies happen, “I’m sorry, you said this: we must leave now” type of thing.

As we were sitting in the living room, a bunch of unknown species of insects and animals would start flying around and running around, for the most part I would be usually scared of this, but this time I ‘breathed through it’ in the dream, which was interesting even though a part of me just wanted to zap them and get the hell out of there. After that I’d see more people arriving to the house, people I haven’t seen in some years which created some discomfort in me as well, which is revealing too. And the people that were gathering in that same living room had some kids that started running around and in general they were like these ‘good people’ that were happy and enjoying themselves in the moment.

What started happening is that I started just wanting to leave the situation and get away from it all, because it is like the situation was just ‘too perfect’ for ‘me’ as my mind and my experience that almost gets into a discomfort when things are going ‘too well’ in certain situations… yes as weird as it sounds. How I’ve defined it in my mind is that ‘this is too fake, this is too good to be true, I’m out of here’ And in that moment I was expecting my partner to be in that ‘same experience’ but! Nope, actually I’d find him carrying a baby  and playing with the kids and I’d see how he was quite stable and content with it all, so I knew that I would be a real b. if I’d go and tell him to leave them and come away with me and my misery. Some people around me kept trying to interact with me and in a way to make me stay there, but what I saw is how there was a part of me that wanted everyone to just start feeling miserable, bad, negative, to ‘drop the show’ as I perceived it. I wasn’t interested in ‘joining them’ so to speak, no matter how constructive their talks and doings were in that moment.

Then someone else – a male – would take me aside into a different room, a different setting and would simply ask ‘what’s up’? I recognize that question from someone in my life that assisted me a lot to genuinely look inside me and be honest about my experience, so then I would start complaining and half-crying almost like a little kid, all about how ‘everyone was just so happy and well’ and how I wanted everyone to instead consider ME my experience that was uncomfortable in that situation, I wanted everyone to ‘drop their show’ to focus on how I wasn’t doing well, I wanted to stop ‘their good time’ in order to focus on my ‘bad time’ and this is one hell of a pattern in fact.

It reminded me as well of the times when I would throw tantrums as a child for something I perceived my parents forgot to do for me or give me or be there for me, and so whenever they would start apologizing and even giving some stuff to me as a way to redeem themselves, I would throw it all back at them, I would kick and scream and cry and become just really, really irate at the situation. I have explained this before as well and my ‘happiness point’ in that situation was to have them feel like shit for ‘doing this/that to me’ and be terribly sorry and just be at the same level of woe that I was in and ask for forgiveness and stuff like that. So what I wanted in that reunion situation is others to ‘notice me’ and how I feel really bad and almost want to push them to ‘blame themselves’ for ‘making Me feel a certain way.’ Which is what transpired in that situation developing at my grandmother’s home and only when I woke up I kind of pondered how come I hadn’t seen my grandmother there, and saw the obviousness of it… I was embodying that one aspect of her that I completely hated about her, which is related to how even if she had all of her kids with her assisting her, checking up on her constantly, giving her all the money she needed, she would still complain and drown herself into a pity party that was very difficult to get her out of, if not, at all.

So I haven’t actually walked this point for myself, how this aversion I had toward my grandmother is not a childish thing that I created toward her and believing that I am right on that assessment, because sure I have now been able to understand more of her life context and experiences to understand why she was who she was and behaved the way she did. But in me, this almost self-sabotaging experience of wanting to ‘rain down on everyone’s parade’ and have everyone else become equally miserable to My experience… man, that is fucked up to say the least and the ‘frightening’ thing is how this is an underlying experience in me that I hadn’t been able to actually see with clarity.

There had always been this one ‘thing’ as a ‘stuck thorn’ experience that would come up whenever I see anything ‘blooming’ and ‘in happiness’ and in any form of growth, development, expansion… in a deliberate manner I push myself to see the benefits, to see how cool it is that this/that is growing, expanding, enjoying, being just ‘fine’ with themselves and in a situation or environment. Yet me in my experience, like it was in the dream, even if the environment could have been genuinely interesting, comfortable and even inviting for me, I held on to this one bubble of anger, discomfort, resentment point that I was piling up based on how ‘I had been told this was going to be a 5 minute thing, now we seem to be stuck here’ and in a way refusing to ‘give in’ and ‘let go’ of my control aspect, but at the same time almost like wishing and desiring that others could notice how unhappy I was, and have everyone else around me notice that I just wasn’t ‘ok’ as them and so be able to stop their experiences and ‘join me in misery’.

Upon sharing this out loud to my partner I see that this has been that one ‘thorn’ that I’ve experienced basically everywhere and in everything where it seems I cannot genuinely enjoy something, that I cannot fully embrace something that is entirely supportive. And here it is not a point of deserving or anything like that… it is just this constant if I can call it ‘evil’ as a reverse of life really because it creates  a comfort in anything that is not yet ‘there’ in an utmost potential of my own self experience and that of others and everything around me… and how I have assessed it through my mind is that ‘it feels fake, too good to be true, that’s just not how life is’ and in this underlying experience, almost always expecting things to keep going wrong, to keep struggling even though I myself in my directive self and the self that I am deliberately creating for me is well aware of how detrimental is for us to keep ‘falling’ on the same crap, really. Yet I see that there is still this part of me, very suppressed, very ingrained, very underlying but still constantly there where I just can’t seem to be able to enjoy myself fully and completely, I just can’t seem myself to even push myself to envision/visualize myself having ‘all that I need’ in a way that I guess many people can constantly dream of as their ‘perfect lives…’ I don’t have that and I see that as much as I have had moments of genuine enjoyment, there are some ‘wirings’ in me that tell me how that is not real, that is just a passing situation, that is not the reality of life on earth and so kind of eventually suppressing it in a way to keep within this ‘stuckness’ comfort of almost being in this ‘ever-developing’ phase where I can’t seem to fully breakthrough to constructive and supportive stuff, because of how I’ve Defined it as ‘unreal’ as ‘fake’ as ‘not true’ and ‘not congruent’ to the rest of life on Earth.

Though in common sense, why would I want others to be constantly miserable as a way to realize what we’ve done to ourselves and so what needs to be changed? It is not necessary, if anything that stage of being at our ‘very dark bottom of the pit’ is nothing else but a stage from which we have to eventually step out of.  And this is where I know I deliberately place these words because they make sense and it’s the kind of expression I want – as in self-corrected me – to continue nurturing and growing in myself, but if I wrote here as the me that has always been here as ‘my real nature’ so to speak… I would not be bothering, at all.

Therefore how I use the word deliberate as a guiding point for me, realizing I am doing this willingly and deliberately and how it doesn’t come easy because it feels so unnatural, so ‘not me’ but this is precisely the part of me that I consider we all have and that we have to in a way starve to death, we don’t have to feed it anymore and so instead grow, nurture our other aspect of ourselves, that little bit where potential exists, where thriving exists.

And this is also that came up as well when I was recording this hangout of Black Mirror’s season 3, episode Nosedive and this might even be actually a very supportive thing for me to learn to see how others related to the same episode and so use it to reflect a lot more back into myself as to why I became what I became before and so here how to continually and deliberately expand into creating the self that I see is most supportive and constructive for myself and others in equality. We all have that potential, we have to make a deliberate decision to see what do we want to keep supportive within ourselves? The evil, the constructive and supportive or ‘good’ for a lack of better word?  Up to me.

 

Learn and walk with us how to Embrace and Create Life here:

 

Photo of my niece by me, hope she doesn’t mind!


423. Proof that I’ve been Mind Controlled

 

Following through a bit with this ‘happiness’ redefinition, I would not have been able to be comfortable in opening up this word to redefine if I hadn’t looked at a key aspect that I’ve been noticing for quite some time in walking this process of removing/stopping past self-definitions.

This became clearer when I shared in a podcast I called Doing Good = Uncool? about how currently there is a tendency to deem everything that is rebellious and antagonistic as ‘cool’ and everything that is supportive, disciplined and orderly as ‘uncool’ – and the way I found out that this mostly was a personal perception is when I attempted to find pictures on Google images that would depict this type of construct or judgments upon what I had seen as ‘cool’ and ‘uncool,’ there were no pictures for me to depict that! So that made it obvious that I had to rather look at it from a very personal manner instead and ended up creating my own ‘picture’ to depict the kind of perception I had held within me.

 

Cool vs uncool

 

My previous attempt in life was to become what I defined and believed to be a ‘cool’ person, so just because I had gotten so much bashing/criticism from my peers while growing up for always being ‘the straight A’ person in school and so being defined as nerdy for that and ‘tight’ or ‘uncool,’ I focused on finding ways to shake those definitions off by being very specific in the type of ‘person/personality’ I would become. This is how I decided to pick and integrate aspects that I could deem were going ‘against the grain,’ so to speak, against the expectations that I perceived everyone had around me. This influenced everything of me, the way I would dress/look, act, speak, the topics I would bring up, the kind of books I read, the kind of music I’d listen to, the way I would relate to people, to my family etc.  And TV was a great source of ‘inspiration’/dormant brainwashing for that, as I have shared here previously that I mostly grew up watching MTV and so there I shaped all my preferences toward everything and everyone that seemed to ‘challenge’ the status quo, to go against the flow and step out of the ‘schemes’ in one way or another, or be intimidating toward others, as a way to ‘challenge the establishment’ or being in a constant ‘defense mode,’ which is a ‘trendy’ way to actually hide the fear that instigates these ‘hardass’ personalities.

Little did I know that this was part of a greater scheme of social engineering to have kids grow up aspiring to be ‘rockstars’ or ‘artists’ and had nothing to do or no sense of responsibility to this world, but instead define all things ‘rebellious’ and ‘antagonistic to the system’ as being super cool.

So, this is how I then became what I could define as a disciplined rebel, because it’s not like I started slacking at school, I actually proved that I could still ‘pull out a straight A’ without even studying at times, just by being very attentive in class and so using my ‘wits’ to challenge professors and classmates alike – lol, I was really in for being like a typical dissident in many ways and deem that as cool, even if for others it wasn’t, to ‘me’ that was the definition of ‘being an outcast’ and enjoying myself within that because of seeing myself as ‘special,’ as having ‘no trend’ without realizing it was a trend and it was becoming more and more common in order to get people reacting, being angry and antagonistic against everything and everyone, just to remain in perpetual conflict and never looking at solutions.

Of course nowadays doing this type of ‘dissidence’ has become like the norm and it’s no longer as ‘shocking’ as it was some 10 years ago, which is how I’ve seen a fascinating shift in the perception of ‘values’ and the role that the media/TV has had on twisting people’s ideas of ‘what they want to do with their lives’ and what they find as ‘cool’ or ‘uncool’ by imposing a ‘new’ morality that claims openness, sexual liberation and ‘independence’ but it’s all just a false idea of empowerment through antagonism – been there, done that, doesn’t work!

So this is why I then saw that everything I deemed as ‘uncool’ was in fact that which was in fact supportive: to be self-responsible, to be disciplined, to be non-antagonistic, to have a ‘clean’ presentation of oneself, to not be destructive, to not bash or blame others, etc. This included a very key aspect that had prevented me from realizing I could live the word ‘happiness’ in fact, because I had associated happiness with people being fully blind and not seeing reality, I deemed it as a dirty word that could only be used to define an ever elusive utopia that we were too far away from or impossible of ever creating even. I deemed that anyone that could call themselves ‘happy’ were absolutely disingenuous and blinded from reality. So it is in this judgment that I then prevented me from even considering looking at this word ‘happiness’ for myself, meaning investigating ‘who I was’ toward this world, how I could live it in a self-honest manner; I was in a way still holding on to the ‘image’ or ‘idea’ of myself as still ‘challenging the system’ and being cool in that, but in no way wanting to get to what I had defined as ‘being a positive thinker’ of sorts by talking about things like ‘being happy,’ or creating a ‘happy future for everyone’ lol.

 

 

 

All of these are just judgments and perceptions wherein I was in fact denying to myself being able to expand my living into seeing the word happiness and not link it to some nerdy-good-doer type of personality as my own mind construct, as my own past definitions that came through ‘judgments’ that I refused to be or become at others’ eyes. In fact now that I can speak about it and define me in the process of creating happiness within myself and my world, I no longer see something pulling out inside me as a ‘NOOO what the hell are you talking about!!?’ type of reluctant backchat that would come within me whenever anyone talked about ‘being happy’ or aiming at being happy in this world. A part of me really, really rejoiced experiencing and living in misery, gloom and doom which is a whole construct that I’ve been debunking throughout the years in this process, and along with that discovering what I was preventing me from acknowledging as part of my living potential, just because I had defined it as ‘uncool’ lol, and going ‘against my personality.’

What are personalities really but locks and cells wherein we believe we would ‘get out of character’ if we challenge such self-definitions and preferences and dare to think outside of our box – it’s really all a mind job wherein we hold on to ‘past definitions’ of who we are and in that we lock ourselves in one way or another from being able to fully embrace our living potential, which is not at all about being a ‘good person’ now instead of an ‘evil one,’ not at all –  it’s about recognizing words for the expression they are and can be when lived in self-honesty, and no longer about words that hold relationships to pictures, ideas, personalities or preferences as they exist in the world system.

 

In this, I realize that if we are to genuinely become the living word, we have to expunge ourselves from any limitation, any self-delimitation/definition that keeps us locked into a phoney idea of ‘who we are,’ which becomes a constricted character that is still defined by attitudes, behaviors, preferences, personality traits and so forth which are all part of the egos we believe we are. So it’s always a matter of asking oneself: what do I accept and allow to define me and my every moment in this world? What am I still holding on to with preventing me from living this word – such as ‘happiness’- as myself? Why had I defined this word as uncool and a pure sham? What am I missing out when dismissing living a world that is actually able to be lived and constructed in a self-honest manner?

Seems that self-sabotage is the only answer as to why we prevent us from digging out the corpses that prevent us from give ourselves a real blank-slate to create our lives, free from the past, I mean why would I want to hold on to an idea of ‘who I should be’? To be liked by ‘certain kinds of people’ only? Because I wanted to get along and ‘attract’ similar people – but would I then be even ‘attracting’ real and genuine people or only other similar characters that focus on getting along with similar characters in their lives to remain locked in the same characters forevermore?

Time to break the shell of one’s personality in all ways and challenge it further, and to me having to be speaking of solutions, focusing on looking at practical reality outcomes and how I can be a living example of doing this would have been like an ‘uncool’ thing to do in the past, because I was following the bashing/ rebelling trend, lol, not considering that I was really on my way to be a self-defined pariah that wanted to be special and ‘cool’ through abdicating all responsibility to myself and my world, because ‘oh it was ‘so cool’ to only bash the world and do nothing about it.’ ´

My suggestion is to watch out for this kind of thinking construct, even more so when this kind of ‘attitude’ is shaping lots of youngsters mindsets with ‘life mottos’ such as Y.O.L.O You Only Live Once and ‘living life on the fast lane,’ being the most ‘rebel’ and ‘darky’ and ‘antagonistic’ to precisely avoid youngsters genuine awareness of how they can contribute to creating life, a better future for all – and instead remain in an abysmal and gloomy outlook on life, because in that way you get discouraged from ‘doing something about it’ and so, it’s most profitable to seek ‘happiness’ or fulfillment through trends, drugs, partying and sex than doing anything genuinely supportive in one’s life.

And so, this is then a general self-awareness point wherein this ‘live fast, die young , don’t give a fuck about anything or anyone, do drugs, have sex with as many as you can and enjoy the rock and roll’ type of mentality is seen as ‘the ultimate cool’: It is not, and that’s why there’s such a vast amount of disarray and mental/physical problems in young adults that follow this ‘trends’ that actually start from TV, from so called ‘alternative books’ as well as it happened in my case.

 

Here’s an invitation to look at yourself, where is it that you are still a product of social-engineering brainwashing through the media and ‘culture’ in terms of personalities, likes-dislikes, preferences, the ‘type of people’ you’ve perceived yourself to be and all the points that go ‘against your character’ that you have refrained yourself from openly investigating. I would not have been able to get to this conclusion if I hadn’t walked the process of deconstructing ‘me’ as a personality and so link the dots to see why I had a slight reaction to even talk about ‘happiness’ before.

 

Life is not about becoming a character that seeks to be the ultimate cool and ‘rebellious,’ that’s the illusion of freedom SOLD as an EXPERIENCE.

Genuine and real freedom from mind control is to take responsibility for oneself, to actually not allow oneself to be brainwashed into ‘trends’ or following what the masses think is ‘cool’ which at the moment is ‘the masses think being a rebel is cool’ which is then of course not at all an actual ‘threat’ any longer, lol, it never has been! Think of the punk movement as being part of social engineering in Britain to exacerbate youngster’s addictions and dissociation from taking responsibility in their society, because drug addicts and an impaired society is more easy to control than healthy, self-aware and ‘unbrainwashable’ individuals, which is what we have to now focus on being and becoming – mind control is only possible if we accept it and allow it.

So, are you mind controlled?

 

Unhooking Past Definitions

 

Cool blog to read on re-approaching Happiness:

Why I First Resisted The Relationship of Happiness to Money – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 653

 

Oldie:

2012 Destonians Take Over the World: The New Culture of LIFE

 

Read people recognizing their self creation abilities – including the redefinition of happiness – in the 7 Year Journey to Life blogs

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.


402. Who am I within Abuse?

I’ve been looking at the word abuse for quite some time now and how we are so used on ‘calling out abuse’ but never really understanding the process as SELF-abuse at all times.

Why do I keep coming back to this topic/word or aspect of ourselves? It seems to be a point within me that I’ve explored only through reading books, using images to depict the consequences that I believe/believed we deserve for abusing ourselves, each other and the planet and how the most shocking revelations within my life came to be within the realization of every single point of abuse being in fact my own expression as well – how? through the understanding of the mind-mechanics, the processes that take place in my mind toward myself, my physical body every time that I participate in thinking, becoming emotional and essentially as we know the usual functioning of our body which also requires energy to exist. The sheer relationship of Energy and how it is created implies a process of friction in order to be created. You can imagine the creation of fire by rubbing to sticks which is essentially creating friction so that the sparks can ignite the dry wood into fire. This is a rather elementary explanation, but this is to understand how it is that the creation of energy in itself is not a self-supportive process – once you burn the twigs or wood, you consume it, it transforms into ashes. Well, the same happens with ourselves and our bodies with all the energy we create every time we participate in the mind through emotions/feelings or thoughts that are also charged with an experience in them. Essentially we create our internal ‘oil spills’ in our body, even when one can get angry for calling out abuse so, this is how it is rather necessary to understand this process of SELF-Abuse before even being willing to ‘call out on abuse’

 

Facing the Evil of OUrselves

 

 

Energy is also the motive, the driving force in our outside world and we’ve even created a structure, a belief system to represent it, it is the monetary system that we’ve used to essentially control and define power, and as such we have enslaved us through making it only available to those that work hard for it – apparently – or those that can give themselves the right to print it by their divine hand. Is that abuse? Well yes first of all because we’re using trees to create such ‘money’ but also because it is meant to precisely limit the access to our living resources. It is thus why we are so bound to it, we live in constant fear of survival and that’s for sure another way of abusing each other through this structural violence we have created as our current world system where either you work and/or cheat or die.

Isn’t that the sheer definition of abuse? Yes, it is and we collectively participate in this religion, where we have collectively decided that ‘some’ must have all the control over it, while the rest live a life of misery, struggle and suffering to get that paper that some can simply print or put in as numbers in a bank account…. Yes, you as I can breathe after saying/reading this as one can see the level of abuse that is accepted and allowed yet legitimized as ‘how things operate’ apparently, with no ‘change’ being made possible.

 

Now, what I’ve found throughout this process to be a challenge is to not create separation towards those that I’ve defined as abusive, even though one can find out and see the evidence of such abuse and can even witness with one’s own eyes – ‘they’ the ‘abusers’ are also myself. This is a humbling experience, maybe one that initially I would not want to fully embrace as it’s become such an ingrained thing to just ‘point fingers at another’ and blame them for what they’ve done, to be disgusted at ‘them’ but there is really no ‘them’ here – ‘they’ are also myself, yet at the same time each one will be individually accountable for what each one has accepted and allowed and how such point of abuse affected the totality of what is here.The shame, the guilt, the regret, the damnation upon myself and everyone else that stemmed from that moment I’ve rather turned it into a test for my stability, an opening, an awareness to get to know of and investigate any other form of abuse that I had previously neglected as part of myself as well.

 

We do it to ourselves

 

Seems we haven’t gotten sufficient consequences already in our world and reality because we haven’t changed much even with major threats of even our own extermination if we continue to live in these abusive ways.

So far, investigating the abuse, the evil, the abject of our reality is rather  of empowering too as a point where we no longer fear ourselves, our real nature but instead can – for a lack of a better expression – embrace it, understand it and within such understanding, finally be able to self-forgive it, finally be able to let go of any reaction that may emerge when taking a look at our ‘dark side’ which we’ve only feared looking at without realizing that that’s where the actual ‘truth’ of ourselves resides in, and not a truth to remain as it is and simply ‘embrace it’ as a form of acceptance – no, not at all, but as a necessary realization that will and is causing unbearable shocks and pain in this world. Maybe it is necessary to have this shock be profound or else, we will forget it all over again as we’ve done generation after generation, coming into this world and fitting ourselves into the vilest forms of coexistence while painting it with flowers and seeing it as ‘normal’ just because that is what we see and hear all around us as the way to survive, ‘the way things are’ and have believed we’ll ‘always be,’ which I am here to ensure it does not remain as such ‘status quo.’

 

Whenever I witness something that is shocking, something that I have considered to be too cruel, too vile, too sad to be truth as part of our ‘human nature,’ I tend to see it as a separate expression from myself, as if it was only ‘someone else’s twisted deeds, without realizing that it is actually part of who and what we have become as the very nature of ourselves being that of evil, as the reverse of life. Now, I understand this might sound rather pessimistic to our usual deep desires to not have to face the side of ourselves that we tend to occult/hide with positivity and ‘good thoughts’ –  but it isn’t pessimistic at all, it’s who we are and have become –  one only has to look at the actual nature of one’s thoughts to understand then the ‘nature of the system’ and our ‘human nature’ that we’ve justified and excused for far too long.

abuse
1    use to bad effect or for a bad purpose.
2    treat with cruelty or violence. Ø assault sexually.
3    address in an insulting and offensive way.

1    the improper use of something.
2    cruel and violent treatment. Ø sexual assault.
3    insulting and offensive language.

 

I could define abuse as plain evil, the reverse of life, as in acting in a way that one can understand is not honoring and respecting something or someone, doing deliberate harm in order to get some form of personal gain – this is the nature that exists within each other’s mind and we haven’t yet been fully able to admit it and take responsibility for it. The sole ability to live the word abuse in our very own thinking patterns, behaviors and relationships with one another certainly creates the general atmosphere that we all breathe in and out of, it’s what we create as our reality of disregard, self-interest, greed, wanting more, wanting to abuse another to have some more, be better and superior than, be the king of it all, do the least effort, being the winner, the master, the god…

 

God won't save the queen now

 

 

Can I imagine a world without abuse?

It’s hard to conceive because we haven’t ever actually ‘lived’ without abusing, and that makes us ponder how much of ourselves would change if we had such ‘human abusive nature’ be transformed into the principle and consideration of what is best for all. However before jumping into such ‘utopia’ that it may appear to be, I’d rather keep disclosing what I’ve realized when watching certain movies or series where abuse is rather notorious.

 

When watching bits of The Act of Killing for a second time, I realized that what I was witnessing is in fact what has existed as our sole human nature since the beginning of our time and that Anwar – the main ‘character’ of the documentary – is in fact each one of us. We can’t remember our several lifetimes we’ve been here before, doing the same, repeating the same mistakes, committing the same abuse and then coming back and believing we have never done anything wrong and believing that there can be actual innocent individuals within this, whereas I can only conceive why we are here on Earth as a result of us being the ones that have actually abused for eons on time and are here to learn a very tough lesson: to face ourselves, our nature, our – probably – irremediable consequences up until the last drop of water dries up.

 

In my experience, I could see before how any form of abuse outraged me, however I thought myself to be a pristine righteous good and ‘noble’ individual until I started deconstructing myself and was able to see my own ‘evil’ as the reverse of life and how my ‘good intentions’ were tainted with self interest all over. If anything, I am interested in getting to know more about all the ‘dark side’ of our human psyche that we’ve hid from one another as that is where the actual crème of our human nature resides in. This means being able to confront that which I many times simply deliberately avoided looking at or getting to know of.

 

My first attendance to a protest was in 2006 where our governor was accused of being a pederast upon a recording that made national or maybe even international news and so, we the ‘indignados’ marched around the city hall asking him to quit – which he never did and I can only remember how even if I was already old enough to understand what being a pederast means, I could still not fathom why could that be something ‘attractive’ or exciting to an adult. Another point is the feminicide, the Muertas de Juárez, the ladies that were kidnapped/disappeared, killed and dropped around in the city like disposable objects after being used for rather unusual purposes. I once was at a conference wherein the reality of the nature of these killings was explained and I was shocked to the core of how authorities seemed to be implicated in these crimes and that’s why no one dared to speak up – that’s the first time I realized that I had been truly living a lie when it comes to ‘authorities’ and it was closer than I thought. There were mentions of satanic rituals and sadist masochism evidence on the women’s bodies,  which has now become part of our ‘pop culture’ with books like 50 shades of gray and completely mellowing the actual core of the abuse to transform it into an ‘exciting’ new way to spark up your sex life. Well, who has heard about the muertas of Juarez being part of these ritual abuses based on the evidence on the girls’ corpses? Not many, we fear being quieted down by authorities, and so we keep quiet. And within this: would blowing the whistle on this change the entire crime networks that exist around the world related to pedophiles, pornography, snuff films, satanic rituals and secret societies? Becoming aware of something is a starting point, but in the end the actual change to prevent it will have to exist at an individual level taking responsibility for such abuses. If anything we are becoming more aware of what is possible in our world and it’s also fascinating to see that this is hitting ‘mainstream’ with series like True Detective.

My perspective of why we are so drawn and fascinated by the ‘occult’ which means that which is hidden or obscured from seeing the broad daylight is because we actually fear looking at it, and so the experience of fear is what we turn into some form of attraction which then becomes part of our morbidity to all deviances and rather ‘morbid fascinations’ as I call them, in which we also try to ‘push the boundaries’ of what is socially acceptable which is sometimes done in an attempt to ‘break the spell’ of the usual happy-go-lucky mentality that is peddled around in order to sell, buy, consume, repeat and be ignorantly happy.

 

I’m still a bit intrigued as to how a show like True Detective made it into mainstream. It apparently ends in a ‘good way’ but it only scratches the dirt of a nail of the actual problem. It does, however, make more evident what is already part of our mainstream without being fully aware of it, such as the symbolism, the ‘lifestyles’ that we have come to see as ‘part of our culture’ and no longer any form of ‘conspiracy theory,’ but it is instead a way to make evident the decay of our human nature – maybe we have to hit the rock bottom so that once we get to be aware of and understand the vilest forms of existence that we’ve become, we can start pondering how the hell we allowed ourselves to go down the spiral without awareness of the actual consequences which are measurable in, for example,  kids today learning that being bad is rather cool, isn’t it? Being vile is the new trend, being a rebel, opposing the laws and ‘doing as you will’ which is the ultimate statement of disregard of the principle that in fact governs us all: oneness and equality, which is at the moment rather far from us waking up to realize the kind of crimes we’ve been committing against life on a daily basis, every single time we are not even aware of how we are actually and literally one and equal, part of the whole.

 

Girl Interrupted by Ultra Violence

 

In our minds we have concocted our inner most twisted fantasies that we have defended as ‘our own will’ whereas in the absolute realm of the whole there is no such thing as individual will, but only the creation of personal delusions in the name of excitement, of the illusion of power, of control, of rejoicing in believing one has some form of ‘control’ or can ‘possess’ something or someone.

I also see the necessity to unveil even the most scary, cruel, filthy, shaming stories of what we have become as human beings in order to look beyond our threshold o fears and understand what it is that happens when we allow our minds to run rampant and ‘get away with murder’ in a literal manner.

As I was mentioning, witnessing our real human nature even in fiction stories implies there’s part of us being depicted of course, as it is created in another human’s mind – so, nothing is really ‘detached’ from ourselves and as such even when we ‘thank god’ that ‘I am NOT THAT criminal, that abuser, that person in power committing heinous crimes against life’ – let’s ‘think’ again and rather realize it is ourselves doing it all along, we just like to pretend we are not, so that we can feel ‘less bad’ about ourselves. But as long as we hold on to an idea of perfection and looking at all the marvelous things we can be and become Without investigating the actuality, the real nature, the nitty gritty and not so pretty nature that exists within ourselves: nothing will in fact genuinely change.

I see the unveiling, the ‘apocalypse’ as the process we are going through right now, more and more evident and  ‘seeping through the cracks’ in our daily lives as it is now everywhere: in mass media, music, our behaviors, trends, habits everything that is being pushed as part of a larger agenda that is equally lost in its aim, not realizing that any person in a current perceived ‘position of power’ is none other than part of the chess game that was laid out long before even the notion of the ‘elites’ on Earth existed. This is our masterpiece, the world-system on this Earth, the end result of our wildest fantasies, dreams and fascinations and one can only look at how we are genuinely trashing ourselves, the world and our very own bodies every time that we give into the hypnotic state of  wanting to ‘feel good,’ wanting to ‘feel happy’ and ignore reality, a reality that I am certain if I could hear it in fact would be screaming in agony and pondering why the hell we are so bubbled-up that we cannot actually SEE every single form of abuse that we create within and without ourselves as our very own nature and in turn how nature itself operates as a reflection of such mechanism of abuse too, our own conditioning.

In this, I can only point out the role of the ‘younger’ detectives in True Detective –the ones that were interrogating Rustin Cohle -as the ones that try to mislead from getting to know the most vile nature of our reality, trying to make of ritualistic abuse and other forms of human nastiness as some kind of ‘sick joke’ or a thing for ‘conspiracy theorists and loonies,’ however, it is about time this is known so that the major well-kept masks in this world can fall, but not only those of the people in ‘greater powers’ and institutions, but of ourselves, to finally be able to confront and accept the fact that the ‘abusers’ are not ‘out there’ but inside of us, each one of us and so be able to integrate some humbleness to understand how it is that we have pointed fingers outside of ourselves and created ‘fiction’ stories to be able to swallow the truth in a less ‘offensive’ or ‘embarrassing’ way, because we are still too scared to realize our responsibility for it all.

 

God Bless the Child

 

It can also start by pondering when we get excited upon witnessing violence – which does happen/still exist – such as people that like to witness bulls being bullied/harassed/abused and killed in what is called the ‘fiesta brava’ or bullfights. The same with how in pedophile circles the participants rejoice seeing a baby or a kid being sexually abused. The same with the ‘excitement’ that sexual abuse creates in the abuser, or killing/murdering others, or setting off a bomb… this is what exists today and yes it is mostly linked to the idea of ‘power’ and having some well concocted reasons to justify it. I mean, how more blind do we have to be to not see and realize this?

So, this is not something to be feared or denied about ourselves as human beings, it is about understanding that even the most vile and atrocious nature of ourselves exists as a potential within each one of us, the same way that the most common sensical and benevolent potential exists within each one of us too and so, being rather willing to face our True Nature to begin self-forgiving it and redirecting it and so be self-directive within our minds, our ‘human nature’ as to stop all forms of self-abuse – which is to be understood and realized as the abuse upon myself or others, all equally affected.

 

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgust, anger and also sadness when getting to know the extent of abuse that we can impose onto another that we haven’t recognized as ourselves and so doing so within the ignorance of who we all are as equals and how any point of abuse upon ‘another’ is in fact toward oneself.

I realize that my reactions to abuse create further abuse and as such, I have to be able to witness, get to know and realize the abuse we have created without giving into powerlessness, sadness, anger or even wanting to blame others for such abuse as reactions won’t ever solve the problem. I only can solve the problem first by stopping my own emotional experience, and then seeing who am I and where am I existing in relation to that problem myself.

I commit myself to then see what it would take for me to contribute to stopping such abuse and if it is ‘outside of my hands’ at the moment, I then focus on rather informing myself, becoming aware of how we have created such problem/point of abuse as well as supporting others to become aware of it so that through creating this awareness, we can altogether look at solutions that we can all implement – for example – through politics which implies the power of many joining toward the same outcome as one person alone cannot be ‘the one point of change’ only but it is through joining forces that we can certainly stand up and correct any point of abuse within ourselves first and then without.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience disbelief when it comes to realizing what I’ve become as a human being, the extent of disregard, neglect, harm, abuse, the additive search for power and control even if it goes against the majority of the living beings in this world.

I realize instead that this is the very mechanism in which we have come to exist and function as individuals and as such, there is no way to escape the reality and the facts, and wishing that things could be different because even if things could suddenly seem ‘better,’ I would still have to see if such ‘change’ is in fact self-change or just a new positive façade so as to not worry about the actual source and core of the problem which is always existent within ourselves, as the very nature of who we have become as our own minds, as the separation of self.

 

I commit myself to be able to see things that happen in my world without creating an experience about it, without becoming emotional about it as that’s where I see one loses ground and becomes part of the problem – therefore I direct myself to understand the situation, the cause, the problem and investigate within myself how I have contributed to this, how I am equally responsible and as such simply commit myself to do my part to stop such point of abuse even at the thought level.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see abuse in separation of myself, as if it was only some ‘powerful ones’ imposing it toward us/everyone else, instead of realizing myself as them as well doing all of that harm and abuse and existing as a fellow human being which I would have also hated back in an attempt to deny who I am in relation to them too, which is being also them, being one and equal to ‘them’ who I have defined as ‘being evil/bad/wrong’ in separation of myself as a denial of what exists here as myself.

I realize that denying or judging or reacting to a point of information, to someone else’s actions and words will do nothing for me to create a substantial change but that real change implies I stop, I ensure I do not react to this so that I am able to look at this point in full presence and stability so as to see the ‘full picture’ that’s entailed in any point of abuse for example, to see the ‘greater picture’ to not get fixated on a particular set of beings/people/actions but understand abuse from the greater context as who we are and have become generally.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within realizing this wanting to become defensive and distrustful toward others and go back to existing in the ‘fear toward the evil of humanity’ as some ingrained pattern I had walked through before. I realize that this is just me in my mind wanting to jump on to another ‘mindset’ as a false sense of security which doesn’t make sense at all.

 

Therefore I see and realize that I have to remain as breath, to be physically present and  not get caught up in memories and reactions or experiences but ensure I am seeing the point through the eyes of the physical, which means the eyes of understanding and so realizing that the chain massacre of abuse will be stopped from the moment that I decide to no longer acknowledge abuse as a point to react to in an emotional way as that would be like being separate to that which I am creating an experience of, because in recognizing everything as myself then creating an experience is like having schizophrenia really, reacting toward myself. So,

I commit myself to live the realization of being present as breath while witnessing something that I have defined as abuse, seeing information that relates to abusing ourselves which in such case I mean, If I was fully aware of everything that goes in this reality, I would constantly be crying or angry as everything that is here is existent as this point of abuse and so, it’s rather obvious that we cannot go on like this, we have to be able to rather focus on understanding to be able to prevent the problem from its root cause.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as desensitized when not reacting any longer to the various stories and mechanisms of abuse, as if I had been ‘cured’ of creating any form of freight or disgust at the same time, but I do have to be very wary of this point so as to not be repressing my experiences and not really seeing who I am in relation to the information that I come to know of, the images, the proofs and how everything fits to the outcomes of an ‘evil plot’ in which we exist as and of which we understand its sole purpose of which was to be enslaved and generate energy for someone that we accepted and allowed to upgrade into the level of a god. This is then the consequential outflow of having had no regard toward each other as equals, of having abdicated my responsibility to it all and creating polarities where winners and losers can exist, where elites and populace can exist, where money can dictate who gets abused and in which ways as well as the ‘power’ that perpetuates such inequality, such as ‘privileges’ and ‘benefits’ that are only existent for a few while the majority gets nothing but, we also have to transcend that me vs. them mentality here if we want to truly focus on change, so

I commit myself to focus on change within and as myself and no longer contrast it or compare it toward those that ‘have nothing’ or those that ‘have all the power’ but see myself as an equal participant within this all which means, no longer seeing through the eyes of the mind but acknowledging my part and so live my part that I am responsible for such as my words, thoughts, actions.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that everything was ‘fine’ in this world wherein I lived in a rather narrow view and rather brainwashed perspective of our history, the stories of our origin and believing that we were meant to be and do good, without realizing that it’s actually the exact opposite what we’ve done all along and that it is only through being able to let go of this idea of goodness or benevolence and ‘evil’ at the same time that I can see facts/actions/words for what they are and imply without judgment, without segregation or creating an experience toward them.

I commit myself to focus on rather seeing HOW we came to create such point of abuse and considering it within all the points that I realize I have to take care of when it comes to aligning my life within and as the principle of considering all parts equally as myself and doing my part as well in this life which begins by taking responsibility for myself, my actions and ensuring I consider what is best for all in what I think, do and speak

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have that inherent tendency to want to have ‘nothing to do’ with abuse and not wanting to recognize myself as part of that abuse because I have judged it as wrong along with an experience that implies that ‘I am right.’

I realize that abuse is collectively accepted and allowed, as well as understanding that abuse has become the very way we live and act, and as such rather become aware of this necessary starting point to begin questioning everything that we have also deemed we were doing for the sake of being ‘benevolent’ or ‘doing good’ as I’ve also seen throughout this process that these are the most deceptive points where the actual ‘evil’ or the actual point of harm or abuse is hidden behind a positive façade so as to justify it and excuse it.

 

I commit myself to ‘embrace’ this ‘evil’ as myself not from the point of accepting and allowing it or giving continuation to it, but as a way to no longer react to it as it is in fact myself I would be reacting to, and instead focus on what I can direct within myself which is beginning with my own mind, my own life and so my participation in this world system being based on externalizing those points of self responsibility, accountability, no harm and no abuse upon others which is the principle of doing onto others as I would like to be done onto myself.

I realize as well that even the very food/water/animals/air that I breathe I’ve come to abuse as well, so within this I have to also be willing to face the abuse that goes on at even a microscopic level within the very mechanisms of how I digest my food or how I have to use water every single day and so not react to it but understand how we came to be enslaved in essence to our own abuse.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes hold on to this point of acknowledging abuse as a way to also prevent me from seeing ‘how things could be if this abuse is stopped’ which I have defined as being rather ‘hard’ to imagine everyone being self-responsible and acting in the best interest of everyone, but I realize that this is the kind of pessimism I have also become so used to existing as. So

I commit myself to allow myself to realize that I cannot imagine something that I haven’t been able to live by and prove for myself, so I don’t need to imagine as much as I need to focus on myself, on being that example and that point of stopping abuse within myself and so stand as it and as a pillar of support for anyone else that also decides to become a 1+ living proof and example of what it means to live in a self-supportive and considerate manner within the principle of what is best for all as equals.

 

Supportive Material:

 

  1.  Reptilians – The Key to Life Through Evil (Part 1) – Part 111

  2. Reptilians – The Key to Life Through Evil (Part 2) – Part 112

5. Deer Human

 

Investigate who we are as a group of people committed to take responsibility and prevent further abuse in this world:

 

 

 

 


379. “This World is the Universe’s Asylum”

 

“Ask yourself this: Does mankind deserve redemption for everything it’s done? Is this a world which deserves to be saved? Everything you see around you, all those wars, all those acts of destruction and brutality were caused by the minds of people. We’ve destroyed this world without even batting an eyelid and you wish for us to be saved? Why?
Though well intentioned, your solutions will fail and never be heard; your voice of reason is barely a whisper in this world. How are you going to convince 7 billion people to be compassionate, loving, kind and respectful to one another and the world? You can’t and you won’t. Sorry. We condemned ourselves to this hell hole existence a long time ago. This world is the universe’s asylum. Have fun in the mad house!! Get the 9-5 job, work until your old, watch TV, eat junk food, obey the law. Trust me, this world ain’t going anywhere. It’s here to stay, sadly. You may as well partake in the madness while you’re here. What else is there to do?”
FocusReborn

 

This is a comment placed as a response to the vlog I Want the World to End and it brings up the same mentality that I would have remained in – or probably dug my own grave with – if I had not stumbled upon Desteni and taking on this Journey to Life, to finally shed the skin of apathy and misanthropy that at times emerges whenever I see or read about things that I haven’t yet fully realized are part of everything that is here, myself, no matter how hideous they may be.

 

Pollution - 2003 - Marlenlife

 

To the person that wrote the comment, thanks for writing it out as it has opened up a window of opportunity to renew my vows to myself and this process and explain the starting point of everything that we do, which  is precisely to get past such enslaved mentality of ‘nothing’s gonna change the world’ and only seek and con-form with bits of highs here and there and sit down and feel miserable about every thing that we’ve been and become, all that we’ve created as a world that we rather feel sad, ashamed of, despise or even ‘accept as is’ instead of doing something about it.  This is the kind of message that can only trap you when one believes oneself to be ‘so small, so little, so insignificant’ to create any form of change in this world, which certainly begins with ourselves, our own life.

 

It’s astounding how we discourage each other from stepping out of the (mind)frame, however I understand the individual’s starting point for sharing this and how the origin of such words are not even questioned by the author, I can read no life in it, it’s only a mind speaking for it’s own survival: the resistance to change, the hopelessness, helplessness, conformity, apathy and judgmental behavior for the sake of seeing everyone else on ‘the same boat,’ seemingly lost.  And this is not to be taken personal, as once again, it’s not the potential of life speaking for the individual, but only the ‘who we are’ as the lesser form of ‘life’ that we have become, the de-manned position.

 

The starting point of walking this process is not within the hopes of ‘changing 7 billion people,’ that would be rather disingenuous and not  considering the reality that we are in wherein yes, it will take a long time to change our current human nature, it will take the most effort from each one of us since it is as if we were all addicts of the worst kind wherein our very own lives and this planet’s stability depends on us getting unhooked from very addictive drugs which creates secondary reactions such as fear of changing, apathy, complacency, hopelessness, helplessness, positivity, negativity that I also once experienced, seeing no way out and then simply deciding to ‘jump in the boat’ of the hopeless ones, because apparently feeling miserable about the world make me at least ‘feel good’ and ‘alive’ – yes, it sounds contradictory if one does not understand how the mind operates. Once you get to understand who we are as the mind and decide to stop feeding the constant desire, want and need to FEEL anything – whether positive or negative – you start realizing how puny this little energy-whoring system that we’ve become really is.

 

Robot man - 2003 - Marlenlife

 

However it does take quite a constant and diligent decision to stop seeking the energy, the experience, the ‘thrill’ and instead breathe and direct oneself to what is physically supportive – and yes, that means that there’s no ‘highs’ or ‘bad’ experiences in doing what’s best for all, in moving oneself to become a living example of a mind-addict reformed human being, and that’s why walking this process is so unpopular in our reality – for now – because it provides no energetic payoff that one can feel ‘good about.’ Yet, all I can say is that consequences in our reality are knocking on everyone’s door and I certainly cannot recommend to anyone anything else but getting hands on keyboard or pen and start writing, start straightening up ourselves, start making sense of our own ‘mindful selves’ wherein the usual points of support sought are street or over-the-counter drugs, ad-vices from other people, escapism through alcohol, sex, developing ‘extreme habits’ only to get away from facing oneself…

 

This is the nature of our current selves drowned in a very limited pit that exists as the mind that we have delegated our every-moment of our lives to. And so, the entire ‘mess’ and ‘Universe’s asylum’ that who we are as this world have become is nothing else but a proof, a written testimony of what the majority of us are thinking and acting upon every single day, making of these thoughts our creed. And then we ponder ‘why are we so fucked up???’ while ignoring that the sheer experience one usually has when asking such question with extreme awe is already a 1+ vote to humanity’s  similar thought-patterns and experience – and once again: an experience ONLY exists in our mind.

 

Look at the trees, look at the animals, look at the air: does it show any emotion or feeling or speak about ‘giving up’ or ‘seeing no way out in this world’? Do birds get depressed and tired when the sun comes up and think of rather staying in a branch wallowing in their misery? Of course not. If anything, every single part of this existence is far more aware than a human being, and by all parts I mean animals, plants, nature, every blade of grass and that includes what we consider ‘inanimate’ too – it’s just common sense that everything that is here is an enclosed reality of which we’ve never been ‘outsiders’ from, which means that everything we see and are here is ourselves, our creation. 

 

DSC00604

 

Deciding to jump into the comfort of apathy, disdain, hatred, misanthropy or plain disgust with ourselves as humanity is nothing else but another justification, excuse and distraction to not acknowledge what it is that we are here for: to understand ourselves as creators. Yes, we have even built gods to do the ‘dirty work’ for us and have someone to blame for everything that went wrong,  just because we’ve been so scared to realize and understand that every single atrocity committed in this world is ourselves, and yes, I know, it does get your reactions going on when witnessing some horrible acts that reveal our current human decay, but that’s the whole point of it: it’s about realizing that any atrocity, any thought, word and deed against life is committed by everyone of us each time that we do not act within the consideration of what is best for all, which imply energy-less physical moments of self-direction, self-will, self-responsibility and self-honesty to act in the best interest of all.

 

These are empty words without having context as to how to live them, because they are not part of our inherent programming as to understand ‘How to be self-honest,’ ‘How to learn how to Care for yourself and another,’ ‘how to develop self-integrity,’ ‘how to become self-directive.’ In a world where the word responsibility is immediately hooked on to the usual connotations of fear and resistance, it becomes quite ‘challenge’ to remove the veils and see thing for the potential we all have to change each word into a living expression wherein, in fact,  taking self-responsibility is one of the most empowering things we can do in our reality.

 

Defeated - 07

 

Look at the ‘elites,’ those in ‘power,’ they stand as points of responsibility in our societies and because the rest of us decided to cross our arms, sit and watch TV to be entertained, they automatically got a carte blanche to do whatever they would think about that would provide the best experience, the greatest reward, the most power – isn’t this something that we All participate in as well? So why are we blaming Others for ‘doing bad things to us’ when we think and assess our reality using the exact same mental framework that ‘THEY’ do to commit the ‘BAD’ and ‘EVIL’ deeds in the world – people are nothing else but parts of ourselves we continue to deny as ourselves too, and within this we believe we don’t have any ‘say’ on this world because apparently ‘we haven’t done anything wrong’ but as long as one continues to fear outcomes instead of walking through the solution in the moment itself, we’ll continue to lengthen our process: unless we stand up for ALL life within the understanding that the part that commits all atrocities, all the madness, the neglect, the irresponsibility, the dishonesty, the nastiness is the ‘who we are’ and have become as the Mind – yet, who ‘those’ people are as flesh and bones is no different to anyone of us reading these words and that’s where each one of us has the potential to wake up from zombieland mindcontrol and start realizing how much time and space we’ve wasted in ‘feeling like a waste’ in a world that we’re turning into a wasteland with our own apathy to correct and direct things into its right place, to deliberately push ourselves to become individuals that can be trusted with life.

But again, ‘trusted with life’ seems meaningless and pointless when we haven’t even been ‘alive’ for real, we’ve only existed as automated patterns that we have called our life and within such diminished and narrow-view we then create an equally narrow view of our ‘doomed lives’ wherein we dare to write comments like the guy that wrote that – once again – without even understanding or pondering about the origin of such words and how within each one of us ‘living’ such words, we become the very problem subsumed in the ‘greater problem’ that we’ve made of our reality, due to this accepted and allowed apathetic and dreadful behavior of ‘nothing’s going to change anyways.’

 

Well, I’ve been there done that, and the reason why I made that video is precisely to address and reach out to anyone that feels the exact same way, which is quite common since everything we see around us is mostly the ultimate decay and bottom line that we’re reaching as humanity. There’s no denial of that, however this is about realizing that who we are and have become is nothing else but the worst of the worst, the lowest point that we can reach as a collective, to finally understand how we feel miserable and so create this world as misery because of such thoughts existing within ourselves in the first place. And so, the rest goes on with each word we direct to continue drowning ourselves in our self-created torment in our minds, without realizing that in doing so, we’re doing nothing else but creating excuses and justifications as to why we’re not standing up and taking responsibility for the mess that we’ve collectively created.

 

DSC00528

 

Have we been ‘bad’ as human beings? One only has to see the results of our thoughts, words and deeds and have the results speak for themselves. If we continue to bash us,judge us, blame each other and ultimately lose any sense of respect for oneself and another, we will continue living in our current world that we are all so fed up of, yet we fail to see that the answer to stop recreating the ‘shithole’ resides in our very own hands, in our words, in our actions, in the decision to live and do what gives zero energetic high, but endless self-stability and clarity that emerges with the certainty of being and doing what is right, what is best for all.

 

Fortunately, I’m walking this process to never again allow myself to be trapped in the swamps of the moody mind patterns of ‘this world is going to hell, so why bother doing anything about it?’ and actually deliberately direct myself to investigate, create and support solutions to this world, which at this stage, must come from the realization that We CAN do this if we all give ourselves that initial chance to stop the addiction to feeling miserable, sad, depressed, hopeless, helpless and instead realize that this world is about breathing and doing, not about feeling and thinking, that’s been our whole problem, so let’s stop rambling, let’s rather become part of a 1+ human physical body that decides to live, breathe and create in consideration of what’s best for all, that’s deal reached.

 

We’re not here to save others, we’re here to stand up, face and correct ourselves, and within understanding who this self is, you then won’t require to get entangled with the idea of ‘changing 7 billion people.’ So I suggest: less thinking,  more of self-awareness, developing self-integrity required to do this as a principled living, not as a result-driven thing – this is about making a decision of who one is every single moment, where I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to exist within a limited framework of my mind wherein I have seen the world from the ‘gloomy-scope,’ meaning seeing no way out, without realizing I was only seeing through this thought/emotion filter of mind which I became used to because it was much easier to ‘feel bad’ than stopping and actually doing what is supportive for oneself: to stop thinking, and feeling miserable and instead focus on the potential that exists within each one of us to ‘save oneself’ from becoming another mental patient in the asylum that each one of us reside in when existing only in the mind.

 

So, this world isn’t the asylum: our minds are our personalized one, and as long as we remain complacent to what we think, believe, feel, experience only in our imaginary worlds: the world will still look like a perverted-story of what could have been a genuine paradise. Is it too late? is there salvation? is there ‘light’ at the end of the tunnel? I don’t know, nor do I Have to KNOW as that would only once again be a creation of the asylum mentality that keeps us bound to fear, limitation and neglect most of the times. So, the solution is to act in every moment that we are here and can physically act in the best interest of ourselves and each other, which begins the moment we decide to stop participating in the collective delirium of giving up on ourselves and the world, without understanding first how it only is another trick of our minds that we can also stop and correct to not be shaken again by words, pictures, thoughts, imaginations that maintain us in our schizophrenic reality, separated from what is real here.

 

My voice and that of others walking with within this journey might seem a ‘whisper in the 7 billions in this world,’ but again, trying and change others is not our goal either, it would be cool but we understand how reality and self-change works,  so we can be the example of what it is to be able to shed the skin of limited prepackaged personalities and genuinely learn how to create ourselves, it’s the best process one can ever undertake in this world, yet be warned: there is no ‘high’ in it and that’s the challenge: this process won’t make you feel greater, stronger, smarter or being just the god in your world, and that’s the whole point: to learn how to live as physical beings instead of existing as walking mind delusions on two feet that do not even understand why we follow every single thought that comes in our mind and immediately thinking ‘its me thinking’ ‘it’s me talking’ ‘it’s me feeling…..

 

Mr. Madhouse porter – what else is there to do in this world, in our lives but to get ourselves out of the personalized asylum? Only in insanity would anyone want to remain in a miserable and limited position, so let’s start with developing a bit of care to see what it is that we would really want to live like in this world and start doing something about it.  We all are the madhouse’s porter until we dare to see that the insanity only exists in the mind, not the physical.

 

It wasn't Eve - 07

 

To broaden one’s spectrum of reality:


372. Desteni Insider: Mind Control and Brainwashing

“The world is in reverse” is the premise to consider whenever the Desteni Material is approached and that is because you are going to face your own brainwashing to the utmost degree, up to the point wherein the ‘you’ that has been occupying the body that you are living in will be stripped down to the core to see what is of real substance and what has been only the byproduct of the endless indoctrination and conditioning within a world-system wherein fear conducts the way toward happiness, light, love, success and an elusive freedom. Reading the first words again “The world is in reverse” means that we haven’t even yet pondered why we seek all these ‘great and good things’ without realizing that such desired experiences indicate that we are by default existing in the exact opposite: sadness/depression, dullness, hate, failure and enslavement. The Orwellian state of the world is the premise one could use from popular culture to understand that such perversion of words is not limited to governments or any other corporate institution that seeks to make the most profit by selling the abuse of life with smiles and frequent client rewards, it has become the foundation of our very own vocabulary as the words that we claim we “live” without genuinely understanding what such verb in fact implies within a reality that is intricately designed to abuse and harm all life in order to continue supporting the schizophrenic concept of ‘living’ that we are enduring at the moment. Yes, it’s being endured without pondering why is life such a struggle, why do we have to strive to make a living, and the point that I will focus on within this blog is the righteous act of wanting to revolt and blame the system for how things have come to be due to our so-called education process where we learn the best ways to dissociate ourselves from the realization of who we are as part of a collective organism that will create reality according to the nature of the thoughts we have in mind. It’s clear that such separation has turned to be the mirror reality we try to avoid and recognize as our own reflection.

 

Continuing from:

What you are in your mind won't pravail - wake up

What you are in your mind won’t prevail, wake up! (2009)

 

It is interesting that the Desteni Material and all of us involved in applying the principles at Desteni have been called out for being a ‘thought reform group’ or ‘mind control cult’ and any other form of slander which, according to the necessary premise on how ‘the world is in reverse,’ it is actually a good thing since that means that we are genuinely breaking the status quo of what has been accepted as ‘healthy thinking and behavior’ because we certainly such thinking processes have led us ( k )nowhere but evolving the ways with which to abuse life and each other in the name of greed. What I have done throughout my participation within the Desteni group is to learn how to investigate all things and keep what’s best, which is placing everything we’ve ever known under the magnifying glass to see whether the education at home, in schools, in society, in our relationships, in the words that we speak genuinely stand as the tools words are to create a world that is best for all.

We shouldn’t even require to confirm that none of the ways in which we have ever lived have been supportive for all of us as human beings, otherwise the world would have already been a place that is genuinely best for all and our reality as our creation is an irrevocable proof of that. Some of the misinformation propagated by the Desteni antagonists claim that we ‘segregate’ ourselves from humanity, from our families and friends, from our reality by being submerged in an individual process where we forgive ourselves for accepting all the lies and deception that we were taught as ‘how things are’ and the relationships based on self interest that lead us to become the predictable patterns that keep the world as is– what a disgraceful behavior, isn’t it? To self forgive every single aspect of our separation from our living realization of how everything we have ever been has been a lie since it has never given birth to life.

 

 

If anything it should already be a matter of concern that we all know that the education system is not working, that parents don’t even know how to educate their children, that our authorities stand as examples of how to get to be the most ‘powerful and successful’ individuals by being the most corrupted version of ourselves as personality profiles that are accepted, allowed and endorsed in a world-system that is founded upon abuse – yet! If one begins to understand principles that consider Life in Equality, genuine Self-Respect, Honor, Integrity and the consideration of Life as the one and only real value that exists, one is called out for being ‘brainwashed’ or ‘mind controlled’ or attempting to introduce ‘communism’ which is just another word like the bell to Pavlov’s dogs to ‘instantly’ react to it and expecting security and a sense of comfort as the reward by defending the right to be ‘free to be a capitalist,’  without even understanding what the words they are reacting to in fact mean.

 

The main problem we have realized is to what extent words as equality, collectivism, dignity, respect, integrity and so on are as vacuous as can be, simply because there have been no living examples in humanity that stand as such  living words – Jesus was one of the few and then was turned into a religious effigy to obfuscate the genuine fact that he was a man that lived the physical common sense meaning of such words. As humanity we have become the example of what it is to intellectualize and even deify living examples of what it is to live in self-respect, to live self-forgiveness and the willingness to be in the service of life itself which doesn’t only entail human to human interaction, but toward every single particle of what is here as part of ourselves, as the life we have hijacked in the name of power and control and within doing so, mining our own home that we’ve been trashing for far too long now.

 

(2011)

 

When facing one’s own brainwashing one can distinctly realize that every single word we’ve been taught and consequently “lived” has been part of the necessary deceptive mechanisms to keep this flawed, corrupted and vile condition on Earth, a collective acceptance and allowance of distrust, lies, abuse and adopting any form of contract to settle ownerships upon reality for the sake of buying and selling, no matter how much harm such processes inflict upon life as long as one’s own survival is secured.

 

Brainwashing and Mind Control are terminals of the same function within which we have all accepted and allowed ourselves to live in this world basing ‘who we are’ on ideas, beliefs, perceptions, feelings, emotions, imaginations, future projections and an innumerable amount of memories that we go collecting and layering as ‘who we are’ throughout our lives with which we form our identity, the ‘self’ that we Think ourselves to be – is it, really?

 

This is the main point one face within and throughout the Desteni I Process, which is the necessary process to walk through when one realizes that all of this understanding needs to be applied at an individual level to see where we stand within it and how to practically lay out the solutions that we ourselves can write and cross reference with other people that are doing this same process with themselves, so that the development of Common Sense as the living application of acting, thinking and doing what is best for all is established as the foundation of the living self that we commit ourselves to be and become once that we realize that yes, we cannot trust the foundation of who we are as the ego that was bred to re-enact the same patterns of self-abuse, we must change it and this won’t come with a simple realization or a few positive thinking statements – not at all, because everything that we have become is in essence the accumulated history of humanity turned into the most convoluted forms to ensure survivalism, self interest and enhancing individual traits that have created the current alarming state of the world as is right now which is on the verge of self-destruction by our own thoughts and hands.

There is nothing more beneficial that can exist nowadays but to walk this process that consists of a fundamental self-investigation on and about everything that exists within and as all levels of our mind and reality to see who we really are within it all and how we can instead direct ourselves to integrate living patterns and habits that can be beneficial for ourselves and everyone equally; this is what I have realized is the only way to generate a living society in conjunction with the understanding and integration of the physical laws into the new equation necessary in this reality to  actually create a world that is best for all. Where is the point of abuse or ‘brainwashing’/ ‘mind control’ within this all? I would like to ask someone to explain to me because I see nothing else but the common sensical and honorable directions that if embraced by each individual on this world, we would have a New Earth without a problem – and this is where Self Responsibility comes in.

 DSC00343

(2003)

Throughout these 5 years walking with the Desteni group and practically applying/living the living principles promoted such as Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness and the consideration at all times of that which is Best for All to implement within and without of myself, I have been able to break-through the main patterns in which I had kept myself complacent to the system, including the personality-traits in relation to ‘wanting to change the world’ without first understanding that such change must be first self-directed at an individual level. To me it was common to spot the ‘flaws’ within the world system or people’s behavior, but I always used to take the righteous stand of ‘I am right and you are all dead wrong’ – I had to go through a personal scrutiny to realize that I also had been brainwashed and had accepted such brainwashed stance as my own mind control of ‘who I am’ and ‘what I must be.’ Only throughout time I have been able to look back and see how within the particular path I had chosen in terms of my career on visual arts, my particular behavior and stance toward humanity – which was mostly that of superiority toward the ‘brainwashed’ and ‘sheeple’ in humanity – I was on my way to become the usual dissident within the world system, the kind of person that would be protesting on and on about how wrong things are while diving myself into the usual suffering-despair of how ‘No one is going to change, so let’s just live our lives the way that we want to, because we can’t change anything anyways’ and ultimately losing any ability to discern the potential of the capabilities I had but begun tampering with dreams of escapism, evasion of reality and enhancement of personality traits veering toward more ‘spiritual solutions’ rather than considering the physicality of the problem I was witnessing in this world, my world.

 

This particular personal stance of opposition, dissidence and antagonism went on to extremes wherein I was aiming at having nothing to do with the system, only focusing on pursuing my personal interests and becoming an individual that is well known for producing ‘nice pictures’ and get great money out of that – that’s all that I had reduced myself to in my belief that ‘we are doomed, there’s no way out of this system’ and within that using my own self-talk to justify such stance and position –hence the main topic of my art being mostly that of self destruction and emotional states that I thought were ‘the real me’ and it was, until I literally took off the blindfold when I got to Desteni.

 

DSC01838

(2007)

 

Amidst a general sense of despair, hopelessness and apathy toward politics or anything having to do with the structure of the system, I moved myself out of any attempt to ‘make it’ in the system within the false belief that I was going to be able to do things ‘my way’ and never again have anything to do with that which I came to despise: the world system, humanity, money, politics and social sciences, economics… It was truly a tantrum the one I was living in right before getting to Desteni, yet it seemed very normal to others in my reality within the acceptance and allowance of my self-proclaimed belief that I was ‘beyond’ that, and that my inner-truth was to express through something more ‘meaningful’ like art where I could be ‘in touch with my emotions.’ Yes, believe it or not, that was me and it can be read in a very palpable way in the very first years of my process wherein a single moment with myself alone still felt filled with  a mixture of anxiety, depression, sadness, despair, helplessness and hopelessness turned into a victimized state of how ‘the world is a shitty place and there’s nothing I can do about it.’

 

It has only been in the past 3 years that everything started becoming more clear in relation to how our particular personalities are the perfect locks wherein we get so entrenched in our beliefs and ideals that we neglect almost everything that does not ‘fit’ with our self-religion, where we can guarantee the maximum ability to ‘enjoy life’ and keep augmenting our egos to ensure a safe spot in the concrete jungle where survival of the fittest means having a successful living – well, in my case it meant: do whatever you can to not be in the system, forget about everything that is evil in the world and rather promote a form of benevolence that can make people feel better, at least for a moment. This also implies doing things that according to my point of view then meant ‘challenging the system’ like smoking weed and making statements wherein I considered that I was ‘challenging the powers/the system’ and inciting people to ‘explore the spiritual realm’ in a desperate move to simply ignore reality and seek for some ‘greater meaning out there.’ Little did I realize then that what I was in fact doing was giving up on myself, seeking for something ‘greater’ to just do the work for us and not have to take responsibility for the hideous reality that I could ‘not bear to live in any longer,’ without even knowing what the meaning of ‘living’ in fact is.

DSC01604

(2007)

The easiest way to brainwash people in a similar personality design to mine is to let them believe that they are in fact ‘doing something’ by ranting and raving about ‘the system,’ by calling out the thieves, by protesting, by yelling, screaming and pouting in front of banks/corporations and governmental offices, by creating riots that could ‘disturb’ any form of control that only evolves and escalates due to the ability of the human being to be led by emotional states that are becoming more and more unpredictable, of course leading to more destruction than any form of practical solution. We can see on our daily news how unreliable and unstable the human mind is no matter what position/character in society one plays in – you can be a priest, a world leader, a loving mother or a proficient athlete and kill their partner, children or commit any other form of atrocity when being taken over by their emotions and feelings – all  kinds of atrocities are justified by each one’s acceptances and allowances at a mind level, the mind that we have taken as the immovable premise of ‘our nature’ throughout human history. It is only now that I am able to realize to what extent the profiles of a dissident, a ‘free thinker’ and a ‘willful ignorant’ are just same brainwashed characters in which people are kept well-controlled by the power of their own rage against the machine, holding a similar faith to the most assiduous religious person that somehow we will ‘overcome the evil in this world,’  holding on to the hope that shouting and pouting will ‘bring the powers down’ and create some form of solution – even the so-called ‘alternative media’ are only new mechanisms that aid this control through utilizing ‘new’ ways to approach young people, calling out to revolt, to be angry, to go out to the streets, to ‘challenge the system’ by promoting the legalization of drugs and internet privacy within the belief that such propositions are the only bastions left to ‘regain the power’ and that’s precisely the problem that has happened throughout time: revolutions were never meant to establish living principles in this world, but only a call out to take over the power and turn the tables, keeping the world in exactly the same place – same inequality with new righteous hands in office. The age old saying of divide and conquer has not been fully realized, yet.

 

I have realized time and time again that there is nothing more important right now as an individual in this world other than focusing on actually taking responsibility for ourselves, however such words cause allergy to anyone that gets a kick out of ‘confronting’ the system in all of the ways explained throughout this blog. I can attest how it is only when realizing all my personality traits to evade reality and use this willful ignorance in an eloquent manner led me to mislead myself, my own choices in life, the people I had established relationships with and the evasion of reality that I defended and guarded as having a right to ‘do whatever I want in my life because I was hurting no one’ – this is the mind of the willful ignorant that is looking at the problems, that pretends to understand but when it comes to living a solution that can be of benefit to ourselves, to actually understand the responsibility we have in our hands to stand as an example of ‘the change we want to see in this world,’ all kinds of excuses and backdoors are open to just have a righteous statement to not change, to not challenge that which we have cultivated for so long which is our own ego, our own brainwashing and mind control. This is what I have come to irrevocably realize day by day whenever we approach solutions to the world system which we have through developing various means like the proposal of the Equal Money System which was an entire process that I will also walk and an essential aspect I decided to stand for and as by myself to precisely shed the anti-system skin I was busy turning into a hard veneer to justify my antagonism and antipathy toward ‘the system’ and humanity itself, which I later on understood was only a constant fight toward myself. This is one of the multiple realizations of the simple words you might hear many, many times throughout the Desteni Material: Oneness and Equality, where the Oneness points out the interdependence that we exist as toward each other as the coexistence in this same world and the Equality that is existent at the substance and physical level, yet perfectly concealed with all forms of separation that we have CULTivated in our minds in the form of egos, personalities, cultures, religions, political parties, the very words we use to justify any form of separation and abuse.

Sórdido

(2012)

 

One of the most prominent points I decided to take on within this process was to develop common sense to stand as a voice that proposes solutions, that investigates other solutions and point out why they are not genuine solutions within the ability to spot a point of deception that would in turn only re-create the same patterns of the past instead of genuinely creating a present with a solid realization of the solutions to implement in this world. So I’ve walked from the anti-system character to an individual that first walks this personal process of de-brainwashing through the dissident, the rebel, the antagonist to the system and instead walk a process of self responsibility to understand the problem, to see my direct participation within it and direct the problem toward directive solutions that we can all embody in the form of living principles. This is where I am now and it is certainly something never ever in my ‘wildest dreams’ did I envision myself doing, which is proposing solutions for this world system as it currently exists, placing political statements on a written and spoken manner suggesting ways to learn how to coexist as humanity since I had already agreed to ‘give up on humanity,’ which was really only ‘giving up on myself.’

This process is not yet done, every day, every minutest form of resistance, any movement toward the old patterns of sadness, despair and a giving up can emerge and that is where every moment I decide who and what I accept and allow myself to be. From this perspective the platform that we are developing as a group as Desteni is actually the perfect foundation to establish a solution at a global scale wherein the brainwashing, the problems in this world are understood and directed from within to establish clear directives without, as we learn how to understand the cause of the problem – ourselves, our own mind – and as such learn how to stand one and equal as the system to establish clear solutions without as the world system. This is the one process, the one ‘thing’ I have been the most consistent of within my life that was meant to veer from fad to fad seeking for more elaborate ways to justify my personal inaction to establish solutions – this time I have developed sufficient self-trust to place myself in a position where I can support myself and others to realize the points I’ve explained throughout this Witness blog as I can stand by the words explained here, having stopped participation in primary forms of personal reality evasions like alcohol or any form of drugs to stand sound and clear on a daily basis witnessing myself and this reality as one massive creation to turn into a genuine work of art, and that begins within myself, ourselves.

 

More to come…

 

Thanks for reading and walking with.

 

CaminandoelTripleProceso

Walking the Triple Process (2010)

 
The Revolutionary Character: From Activist, Anti-Politics and Anti System to Self Responsibility
The Elitist Character – Seeking Success and then Antagonizing the System

 

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Blogs and Vlogs on Brainwashing and Mind Control:

355. Activism and Mind Control |
2011 Activism Is Futile
2011 The Zeitgeist Movement: Resistance is Futile
98. Words as Mind Control |
183. Like and Dislike = Mind Control
2008- 21 days of no weed!
Communism stigmatized Equality
217. You Fear Communism? Why would That Be? |
Mind Control VictimsRead all about it! |
Occupy LOVE: New Activist Brainwashing
Occupy Wall Street’s Solution: Equal Money for ALL –
2011 Capitalism is Brainwash: Are YOU Brainwashed?
Earth Day? Please… Common Sense Required
You are what you Can Afford
2012 Money is MIND Control
2012 Gun Culture in America
2012 I Just Want to BE HAPPY – Equal Money? WHY Should I Care?
Sex, Drugs and…College? Hookup Culture
2010 I Use Alcohol on a Regular Basis

263. The Remedy to Stop Addictions

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

How to Develop Common Sense? Desteni Process Support

 

 

And don’t forget to watch The Century of the Self 


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