Category Archives: fear

596. The Gifts of Criticism

Or how to walk from a reaction to criticism towards an acknowledgement, discernment, learning and embracing of it as a way to assist ourselves to grow and develop ourselves to better ourselves in many ways.

I was listening to this documentary IDO PORTAL – JUST MOVE (filmed by London Real) while preparing some canvasses yesterday and it was quite amazing to hear the parallels that can be drawn from walking through this mind-self change process that some of us have been working on for the past 9 years and someone developing physical movement in all sorts of ways in their body in order to ‘master’ themselves, which becomes not so much about the end result, but the process of ‘mastering the craft’ as Ido says.

To begin with, this documentary or ‘topic’ is something that I would not have been ‘interested’ on years ago, yet the more I saw the name of this guy being shared around within the London Real channel, the more I got curious about it and this recently released documentary is quite a recommended and enjoyable thing to watch because it’s an awesome confirmation of many of the principles and ‘tests’ I’ve gone through in my own life within developing things I thought I would ‘never do’ and in general within this process of self-change – or dare I say the ‘reinvention’ process of myself.

There are many, many points that are valuable in it and it serves as a great source to cross-reference ‘who one is’ in relation to what Ido shares, however one that got my attention is where he speaks about criticism, which you can watch/hear here https://youtu.be/qJDz7qHBGQg?t=53m14s and there are a few points that I want to take on and write out because I consider that many times, for anyone starting to do something new, or doing something ‘for the first time’ or completely ‘out of the box’ of ‘normalcy’ in this world  – which easily can be associated with embarking oneself in this process of developing self-awareness and self-forgiveness and getting to change in our day to day living – can seem like a daunting task, something that one is ‘never ready for’ and sometimes we allow criticism to ‘overpower’ ourselves if we start reacting to our own ‘beliefs’ about not being able to do it, or about others’ sudden rather ‘harsh’ input in how we are doing things or how we are ‘changing,’ not questioning what of ourselves can be ‘hurt’ by criticism.

Many times throughout sharing my vlogs related to this process on YouTube I learned to read the worst of the worst kind of criticism, trolling and bullying that you can imagine: judging everything about my voice and the way that I speak, how I look, how wrong I am in my statements, how they wish I would die or how I should go kill myself.. all kinds of stuff, not worth mentioning or typing here really, but you get the idea.

Of course the initial experience for most people is to react and go into defense mode, try and ‘win against’ those that bully/troll in that sense, but in my case I also learned to start seeing where such words reflected back to the person that expressed them – and other times being able to humbly recognize they were truly supportive feedback even if myself/my ego didn’t like it, because they enabled me to look at myself, my stance, the way I spoke and start questioning the righteousness in my ‘intellectualism’ that I many times shared in my YouTube videos as ‘this is how things are and that’s it’ – lol, the ‘fascist me’ as I call it – which led me to in fact question in a very honest manner towards me: what is it about myself and my expression that is being shared from a starting point of fear: fear of being told I’m wrong, fear of receiving criticism, fear of being seen as weak, fear of not being credible enough… all those fears were there, so what did I do next? I then worked on really seeing what of ‘my ego’ can be hurt through criticism, writing it out, self-forgiving it and applying a humbleness and understanding to it, while of course practically not allowing the ‘overwhelming’ experience criticism can create to take me for a ride, which sure can be difficult but, any process of change involves that kind of challenge and resistance and difficulty, hence my suggestion to watch Ido’s documentary as well who explains this beautifully.

I grew up being a child that was mostly praised by adults and at times hated/envied/bullied by my peers, because it seems we like to destroy that which is in any way perceived as being ‘ahead of us’ and through the support of my mother in those days, I learned to grow a ‘thick skin’ to it and realize that whatever others said or did towards me spoke more about ‘who they are’ not about ‘me’ in essence, and started to learn to ‘take the heat’ so to speak, though not really yet learning to ‘reflect’ on such criticism or learning to ‘discern’ things, which eventually took me to create a certain ‘defensive stance’ that was still ‘here’ within me not until long ago.  

However I have also been on the other side of the coin, where I have craved feedback, I have craved criticism from those that know me best and so far only one person keeps having the guts to let me know where I am still being ‘taken over’ by myself in my ego/mind patterns, which is my mother and I’m grateful for that because it is so that only those that have known you for such a long time can really have a stand point to let you know where you are ‘losing your ground’ in any given moment.

Many times I have asked partners and friends to let me know when I am losing my ground, where I am becoming a ‘problem’ about something, where I am being righteous, where I am being one-dimensional or ‘tunnel visioned’ about something and I’m also grateful that I’ve had such wake up calls from them and other people here and there, but ultimately I realize that no one has the ‘imperative’ duty to let me know all of these things, that I can also get to see these points for myself when observing me in self-honesty as ‘who I am’ in the words I write, in how I express, in what I create, in how I decide to work and do things… it becomes a self-evident measure which then I use as a way to develop self-trust so that even if those that I’ve come to ‘trust’ the most can come at me with certain criticism, I can know and be honest with myself about it being a fact or being a perception or interpretation coming from them – and that’s where self-honesty is the key to see ‘who am I’ in the eye of criticism.

To me facing, dealing with, reading, listening, getting to know of criticism about myself has been one of the most challenging yet most supportive points in my life, and not long ago I was still fearing how certain people would ‘see me’ based on certain decisions I’ve made in my life and through walking through the fears of that ‘potential criticism’ I’ve realized one thing: the worst only critic exists within myself, I am the only one that can allow myself to be ‘affected’ by words, I am the only one that can accept and allow a certain word to cause an effect within me, and you know what? If it does, then, that’s actually quite great! How else would I know that I am still holding on to an ‘idea’ of myself as ‘untouchable’ or ‘superior’ or where I am still standing in inferiority to a word, a concept, an idea if no one would dare to come at me with certain words of criticism? And here’s an awesome audio that opens this up nicely as well and that I recommend having a listen to: Who Are You When Challenged – The Future of Awareness – Part 91

 

If anything, I actually would like to get more feedback in whatever I do and am, because in that it doesn’t mean that I have to change myself to be what others want me to be, it doesn’t mean that what others say will be ‘right,’ but because I can always learn something from anything that anyone has to say about me – either about separating the wheat from the chaff as they say as in taking what I can test out/apply/try out as a way to expand myself and test ‘new ways’ discerning what’s supportive and what’s plain backchat/reactions coming from others and ‘who they are’ towards someone that maybe is projected as a reaction to the challenges experienced through my doings/expression, or where one becomes a ‘boxing bag’ for them to blame for everything they can be dissatisfied for in their own lives… both and possibly many more reasons and starting points may exist in criticism.

I’ve done such kind of criticism as well, in fact I was sharing with an old friend yesterday how I was ‘wired’ to be constantly criticizing everything and everyone, which is the same as judging or creating ‘beliefs’ about anything that’s ‘out there’ of course within that ‘vantage’ point of seeing my judgments as right and just… lol the typical self-delusion. And so how it took me a process to really get down from my ‘high horse’ and start to truly hear/read/see criticism from others towards myself as a supportive process for me to ‘see me through the eyes of others’ and get to know what is it that can in fact be ‘standing out the most’ in creating more reactions in people than support.

In that, I got to test out new ways of expressing myself: stopping wanting to seem ‘absolutist’ and ‘right’ at all times – or fearing being wrong – being less intimidating or stopping wanting to ‘impose’ myself onto others – being less attackative or stopping fearing being undermined or ‘proven wrong’ by others, being less self-infatuated or learning to question my principles through trial and error – and stop being arrogant or stop seeing ‘my way’ as ‘the only way’ to live life – which is how I can agree I ‘felt’ within myself while sharing experiences, knowledge and information in my YouTube videos for example – and how that is definitely something I continue to work on in being more ‘chilled’ about things, which has proven to be a physical process of literally relaxing, not being as ‘tense’ and ‘anxious’ and ‘rigid’ in my expression, but to allow myself to actually ‘breathe’ and be more in my body as I am communicating and expressing with others.

That way I took criticism to really look at myself and test out a few changes that I can now reference have in fact been very supportive within my current life and the way I relate to others and how genuinely enjoyable it is for me to ‘be me’ currently, whereas before I would still feel like being in a constant battlefield where anyone was an ‘enemy’ that I had to watch out my back for and be constantly assessing ‘who was out to get me’ type of thing, lol, yes like living ‘war’ mentality within me, all because of mostly fearing criticism… man, have I limited myself so much because of this and it’s not like I am ‘completely over it,’ nope, it’s still a point to continue walking but here I’m sharing some distinctive differences around it.

Even recently someone came at me with quite a nasty kind of defamation and twisting of information about something I once shared with them, and for a moment I could notice there was this reaction coming up until I forced myself to re-read and see how what was being said was a plain attack, with no validity or veracity to it and how the intent was mostly to – sorry for the words – but spread shit about myself. I was able to then cross reference ‘who I am’ in the face of being criticized, judged in this particular way, understand the person, their possible context and starting point for it, self forgive the initial ‘knee-jerk’ reaction and then let it go, because there was truly nothing to ‘learn’ from such trolling.

Back to Ido Portal here, I can relate to what he says in what he once believed he wanted to be which was ‘to be liked by everyone’ which I also really tried hard to do before – and now I realize that it’s not about being ‘accepted’ or liked by others, but simply be myself, developing that stance of ‘this is me, this is the new me that can stand by my words, that is aware of what I say, do, decide to act on and then whatever ‘heat comes at me’ I can take the criticism, work with my reactions if there are any, take the considerations as constructive feedback and keep moving on’ which also exists within a humbleness of being open to learn from others, to learn to question my own ‘tenets’ and be willing to hear different perspectives and ways of living life, which lol, was quite a difficult thing for me to embrace some years ago, but it’s cool to deliberately be challenging myself within that.

As Ido says, critics, trolls, haters usually don’t provide feedback from a practical ‘walking in your own shoes’ point which means they usually lack understanding of the process that it takes to be/become/express/do what one does, and within that it makes sense to obviously discard criticism that is not at all considering the time, the practice, the trial and error, the evolution, the changes, the adaptations that any point of creation or change involves. As he says, it’s not to avoid criticism either but to embrace it for growth and self-development – which ultimately it is so, it’s about having a ‘mirror’ of sorts wherein we can reflect back to ourselves to see how is it that what we are sharing is being received by others, and to me that’s something really precious in life, sincerely, because that’s what I personally enjoy about being a human being, where I can learn about myself through others, I can learn new things, new ways, new approaches from others and in turn also get to hear or read how other people have benefited from who I am, what I am, what I share, how I share, how I live – I consider that that’s already one steps into ‘making an impact’ on someone in a supportive manner.

Of course I am aware how I have probably also impacted people in and for all the ‘wrong reasons’ or ‘the wrong way’ as they say, but then it would also become an opportunity for them to question certain things, to maybe ‘snap’ themselves out of a certain expectation and be confronted with a more harsh, direct and ‘challenging’ point of view which I can now relate to as ‘who I was’ in those old YouTube videos that I certainly have to stop being ashamed of myself and understand within the context of who I was at that time, at that moment in my process and ultimately see that it might have assisted others to ‘check themselves’ if they felt affected, insulted or plainly attacked by whatever I said – that will be my part to take responsibility for, where I wasn’t being clear within me when sharing, where I deliberately wanted to attack ‘the perceived wrong side’ of things and where I wasn’t truly embracing ‘both sides’ as myself, because antagonism has certainly been one of the main ‘wires’ in my overall ‘wiring’ in my mind – and for that I’ve forgiven myself for not taking ‘all sides’ into considerations – and I continue to catch myself doing this and continue to learn how to practically embrace all sides, which is also quite an expansive, nurturing and fascinating process to me.

So, something I got from the documentary as well is how we have to have the courage to do things differently, to break our patterns, to decide to ‘stand up from the crowd’ not in an egotistical/superiority way, but to challenge the status quo and this begins with all the ways that we ‘share’ ourselves, which as it was recently mentioned in an Eqafe interview, we share ourselves all the time that we are around people, with words or actions, they all represent forms of communication and to me this entails both a gift and a responsibility that I have towards myself and so towards others to honor that ability, that capacity of understanding, of verbalizing, of moving, of doing that I can use as a constant point of expression, like constantly making sure who I am and what I do can become an ‘act of creation’ in itself – just like the one project I said I would do in terms of ‘becoming my own work of art’ and that’s truly then embracing our capacity as creators and authors in our own life.

In this chat I had with this friend yesterday, it was interesting to see how he considers this same point of responsibility towards himself as part of what he defines as ‘godly’ as ever present in everything, that ‘divinity’ if you will that exists within it all – which I call life – and as such it’s about taking responsibility for it/as it, honor it ourselves in the best way that we can. Of course the ‘ways’ to do it are as varied as there are human beings in this world, but that’s also what I’ve learned to see as unique and enjoyable, no two ‘human beings’ will have the absolute same ‘truth’ to themselves even if united by the same principles, it will always be different, unique yet always relatable to one another as ‘who we are’ towards one another.

So that’s how I’ve been walking a process to discharge my relationship to ‘criticism’ experienced in a negative way only and actually learn to embrace it, in my case many times being thankful whenever one comes at me challenging my perceived ‘truth’ or ‘righteousness’ because it’s not many people that dare to be so upfront with me either, and that’s something I’d like to challenge as well, because if anything I can learn a lot more from it in seeing who am I in relation to that criticism, discerning what I can use to learn, expand, grow and develop myself further and what is the kind of criticism that only contains reactions, projections with no supportive substance at all.

Another point I’ve learned is to take responsibility for my criticism towards others. If I am perceiving something is not ‘good enough’ and I have ideas of how to make it better, I am not just placing them out for ‘others to do and implement’ and leave the work-load for others to ‘do that for me,’ but I am learning to take responsibility/be in charge of my own criticism and turn it into a proposal for change and expansion that I can actively create and commit myself to contribute with, which is a way where one can take that stand of not only ‘noticing flaws’ and blaming or pointing fingers at others because ‘they are not doing it,’ but rather turn it into a self-empowering point of contributing to the cause, of being the one that does, acts, creates that which we can see is ‘missing’ within something or that could better things for everyone – now that’s quite a constructive criticism as well that leads to actions, doings, to creating changes for the betterment of something or someone, which is lined to sharing responsibility, to empowering oneself in such capacities as well and of course considering the benefit for ourselves and others in it.

Here also making sure that I am aware of ‘who I am’ within that criticism or providing such feedback, if I am doing so from a starting point of blame and disempowerment or if I am truly genuinely wanting to assist with something to better it, and that’s also something where I can only check within myself and how even if it may be perceived as finding faults or blame, I can only ever focus on making sure my starting point is clear, which also makes room for becoming more specific in how to communicate things in a way where one’s intent, starting point and contribution is clear for all people involved in such situation.

So, if there’s any reaction of disempowerment, feeling ‘not good enough’ etc. when getting criticism by others – or even within one’s own mind  it’s definitely time to place it out on paper, write it out, using self-forgiveness to see ‘who am I’ or ‘what of me’ is being ‘hurt’ by it, where am I going into disempowerment, where am I actually believing myself to not be capable to stand this ‘heat’ of the moment and use that to strengthen ourselves, to identify our weaknesses and actively work on re-aligning ourselves within them to a version of ourselves that can learn to read/watch/hear criticism objectively and develop an understanding of ‘where it is coming from’ and discerning what’s supportive and what’s not – that’s something that surely takes some practice but as anything, we all start somewhere and the point is getting to actually Do it, that’s the difference, rather than just remaining wallowing in worry, concern, pity and disempowerment about it, and that’s why I also recommend watching that first part of Ido Portal’s documentary, quite a fascinating parallel to understand what it entails to change at a Physical level – and not only talking about exercise/movements here – but about who we are in our minds as well.

Criticism is a great way to challenge myself and as such, I definitely have open doors to it, I kind of crave it at times which is an imbalance as well lol, so I have to simply take it as it comes and use it constructively as I’ve explained in this blog today.

Thanks for reading.

Please take your time and invest in supporting yourself while also supporting Desteni/Eqafe providing this information/courses that I have benefitted tremendously from and without which I would not have been able to write my story as I did just now, and you can do so by getting self-support audios, all of which will enrich your life in many more ways than what I’ve just shared above, including Ido Portal’s input on several things coincidentally being echoed in the content of this material, which is quite a cool confirmation of how this physical process of self-change takes place:

 

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Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


563. From Present Tense to Present-Here and Slowing Down

Or walking through fears that create a physical tension within a new experience

I noticed tension upon having to be learning to drive, it is one of those things where of course I’m not at all used to it therefore the initial fear that comes with it manifests as a form of tension in my body where after some 40 minutes of holding the wheel my hand was quite sore for a moment, which made me realize how tense I was while learning the whole thing in my first day, today after having completed the second day of driving it was already quite less, but I made sure to write the following blog yesterday so that I could become aware of all of these points while having to practice again today.

I’m also learning to embrace these initial fears and have a clear idea on how the only way to transcend these fears that I had created about driving – and the plethora of possible scenarios – are only in my mind and that when one is ‘at the wheel’ all that is here is myself/my body having to follow specific steps that require my focus and attention on every single thing that happens in every moment. What I mean by embracing the initial fears is specifically related to not wanting to deny, suppress or make myself appear ‘stronger’ than this fear that manifests as a tension, otherwise my whole attention would go ‘up there’ in the mind, wanting to ‘fight the fears’ and I would then end up not being fully present in physical reality in the moment when I was having to be paying full attention to the guy giving me the instructions, which actually happened for a few times yesterday and a little bit less today, but still made the same mistakes which I’ll outline here.

I noticed how I wasn’t listening to him at first, but instead I was using ‘tension’ in my body as a form of control, when in fact that only makes it all much harder and physically draining – and even now several hours after such exercise yesterday, I had a mild headache – which is something familiar to me whenever I get too tense about something that I am trying to control through fear, instead of focusing on self-control as in remaining stable, present, calm which translates into more of an ease at a physical level. Today I noticed the tension and deliberately would make the change to hold the wheel in a different manner to be more aware of how my back was doing, practicing stability throughout the whole thing which worked quite well.

There were moments while standing in the red lights or when not having to be coordinating the various steps to drive where I could manage to loosen up a bit, but I interestingly enough found myself sticking out my tongue tip and touching my upper lip, which is something that I would do as a child in fact when having a ‘superior’ as a teacher showing me to do something and where I by default would take that ‘inferior’ position of being ‘the student’ within a certain experience of ‘I can mess up many times and it can be ok’ or diminishing the mistakes with a bit of goofiness, which sure can be done the initial times, but I liked the approach of the teacher on identifying the mistakes so that I could become aware of them and not repeat them.

So what I did was voicing out the corrections, repeating the steps with my own voice because I realized how listening to him was not enough when being doing the steps myself, I would try and control the whole thing with ‘doing things quickly’ which doesn’t really work in this case, and I in fact had to slow down more and be ok with not doing it ‘fast’ right away considering that I am doing this for the first time, lol, there goes ‘Marlen’s exigency’ there with ‘speed’.

In a way this whole episode of learning to drive brought me back to my relationship to learning with or from teachers and how many times I simply would not hear them and ‘do things my own way’ which of course in some contexts might have worked for me, but in this context, the specific instructions and steps to learn this are there for a reason, which is something I fortunately realized early on in the first lesson so that I could in fact pay more attention to what he was saying – nonetheless this initial approach of ‘believing I know’ and then doing it my way of course didn’t result at all, because I then repeated the same mistakes.

Interestingly enough I witnessed a bit of the beginning of the next lesson with another woman and I noticed how she was in fact listening to the instructions and doing things much more slower which was quite apt in this case – whereas I kind of went a bit ahead of myself and due to the fear/tension I got somewhat clumsy in terms of the steps to take, which fortunately enough were only at the beginning and the rest were better, which was the result of the teacher letting me know I wasn’t listening and that I had to listen to get it done right.

It’s kind of funny though because it is so that it reveals a lot about myself and all the times that I have wanted to ‘rebel’ and ‘do things my way’ when it comes to teachers, in a way holding this ingrained belief that they are ‘holding me back’ from doing it some other faster and more accurate way, but! I realized this was not the case and that I was only kind of acting out some of my previous relationships to learning and specifically within the context of ‘teacher-student’ relationship so, it was cool to redefine it in the moment and in fact be able to recognize where I was ‘coming from’ in my initial moves, so that I can then become humble, slow myself down and in fact listen to him, which worked a lot better for both of us of course, as well as continuing voicing the steps for myself too.

I also noticed how any form of judgment created in the moment of doing what can be deemed as the ‘tricky’ or ‘difficult parts’ and repeating these ‘tenseness’ during those specific steps can lead me to eventually create a dislike, resist or create a whole polarity of ‘the good/fun/chilled parts vs. the tense/difficult/bad parts’ of driving, or creating a preference on things where I then start fearing having to ‘do’ certain things, or fearing having to confront certain situations like being on the front line of a row of cars and not being ‘fast enough’ to step on gas and get the car moving or having to get the hang out of going up a slope etc. – I would notice the tendencies to be kind of immediately judging some parts as ‘nice and comfortable’ and others as ‘difficult, tough’ which I had to also in the moment let go of and rather in a way living the word ‘embracing’ as in realizing ‘it’s all part of it’ and so seeing that creating a preference would only become a hindrance and eventual problem for me to earn and imprint within me the driving process in a stable, precise and comfortable manner, with all its parts/aspects involved.

And I have known how upon repeating those same judgments for a long time can eventually lead me to in fact resist doing something, all because of the many times I allowed myself to judge something, to fear something and feed those thoughts every single moment that this same ‘step’ or point would emerge in my reality – so, this time I let go of it and rather decided to practice to get comfortable in doing it.

Yesterday I also noticed how I was breathing more deeply in an attempt to ‘relax’ myself but the fact is that I can see where I can instead prevent creating a build up, a tension that then goes into a ‘loosen up’ and relaxation, which I have created based on the way I had experienced some points within a positive and negative experience; so that’s when I decided to not give into these perceptions and instead, see the physicality of the moves, focus on the steps, the method and taking it as is, devoid of ‘extra adjectives’ or judgments I may create in my head.

 

Therefore this time today it was much better in terms of my physical body, I don’t feel as tense as I did before after the driving lesson. I was focusing on the street, the car, the wheel, the feet and hands etc. – which for now still came through with a tension at a physical body level, but I did notice that I didn’t allow myself to run amok with fears in my mind, even though I could see my propensity to create them, I simply decided to ‘not go there’ as in ‘into them’ and keep focusing on reality and continuing practicing listening to the teacher.

One day after learning some theory and basics on getting the car going and going straight into the traffic was quite unexpected to me, but I went for it and ‘did my best’ in the ways that I’ve explained here, from changing my relationship to being told exactly what to do and initially sort of reacting to it from the past memories of ‘learning’ from others to actually seeing how it was in fact important to Hear and do things step by step as intended – lol – and slowing down. I also realized my own foolishness of how in wanting to ‘figure it out myself’ I can imprint the whole basics in a clumsy manner, which is not the point here.

I also noticed how I have a lot of memories of an aunt of mine that would pick my cousins and I from school and she usually would drive a manual car. I was at the time very judgmental about her driving, believing it was too clumsy, too slow, too unaware and now in a way I got to place myself in her shoes and so realized as well how sometimes what it takes is literally ‘placing ourselves in their position’ to then understand why it could have been something difficult for her to do and in a way also learn from those mistakes to correct them within me, I had not even realized to what extent her driving skills had created an impact on me to the point where her driving and memories of me driving in the backseat with her were coming up quite frequently while I was at the wheel, fascinating – maybe only a little bit from my sister that also drove a manual, but I got to also realize how these fears about driving a manual would come from what I perceived back then were there many ‘close to crashing’ times I had with my aunt, lol.

Therefore tomorrow I can continue reminding myself to keep an eye on my body, my hands, my legs to see ways to loosen up the ‘ingrained fears’ so that the tension at a physical body can be relieved with practice and developing an eventual comfort with it, which is why for now I can’t judge myself and my tension because it is ‘normal’ in a way at the beginning of learning  to drive, and saw that yes it is something we are not entirely ‘prepared’ for, but we sometimes cannot be; sometimes we can only be ‘as ready as we can ever be’ and take the situation as it comes while knowing that whatever comes, we can take responsibility for it, we can ‘respond’ to it, we can find ways to solve it.

For now I have to practice slowing down, because I have tended to be too ‘considerate’ of others and rush the whole thing because of not wanting to ‘waste the other driver’s time’ which is the reason why in rushing, I’d end up making a mistake and not listen to my teacher, because I was more focused on the one behind me that on my own. Man, I’ve made this same anxiety/consideration towards others even in supermarkets with trolleys, lol so I definitely know this pattern and that means I have to give myself the space to slow the fuck down, seriously. No one started doing things perfectly so, here also the drivers that start honking, I’m sure they also at some point learned to drive and probably have forgotten to be considerate towards newbies like me.

What I’m practically learning is to not judge the mistakes, realize it’s a start, it’s a learning process and rather being careful enough with the outside environment as well as within my physical body, wherein I definitely want to be able to breathe and loosen up a bit every moment that I can.

Interestingly enough what I have noticed however after these three days of lessons is myself slowing down in relation to walking and interacting with cars as a pedestrian. I have explained many times how much I judged drivers and kind of expected ‘them’ to consider ‘me’ but now upon knowing how much there is to be aware of while driving, I am now being the considerate one and developing a lot of patience when crossing the streets, not risking it, not going by ‘impulse’ so again, this ‘placing yourself in the shoes of another’ led me to truly consider the position that people are at behind the wheel and be able to consider them a lot more than I used to, which is cool and safer for me considering that ‘speed’ is quite a tendency for me, so, lol I have to truly slow down, that’s what’s best for all for sure.

Walking through fears in a physical manner is definitely only possible by actually doing it. I’ve done the same with riding a bike which I still don’t do on a regular basis after a massive fall I had some 9 years ago, and the few times I’ve taken a bike were also steps to test myself, to see how I do with riding a bike and sometimes my whole body would go into shaking mode, and the memories of the gruesome situation would come up again, but that’s where ‘moving’ myself to make a change comes in the way of Not participating within those ‘flashbacks’ and simply keeping focused and stable and breathing as a point of physical awareness that brings stability and focus for me.

I am also thankful to fellow Destonians because I’ve been aware of how some have walked through the same fears and read their self-forgiveness on it, where I could see that the way to correct the whole experience is to be present, here, be focused on one’s body, one’s reality and practice, practice, practice, as well as being ready to face whatever challenges may come in self-responsibility.

I share here then some material that can be supportive for others learning to do the same which has been supportive for me, as well as a fresh video that talks about comparison but interestingly enough also sharing a very real situation of ‘learning to do something for the first time’ and the physical process it in fact takes to do so in a comfortable manner.

 

·         The Design of Powerlessness and Disempowerment – Principled Living Cerise and Joe sharing first hand experiences on fearing driving and how they overcome it.

·         Day 298 – EQAFE Fears and Phobias of car accidents: my experience by Talamon

·         The Trap of Comparison by Sunette

 

Thanks for reading!

 

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Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


544. Being Inadaptable as Self-Limitation

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

When looking at this word I can self-honestly see that I have not yet lived ‘adaptability’ to the extent that I see I could. I may be living this word when it comes to getting along with people, but there is a particular aspect wherein I see I haven’t just yet learned to live this word. Upon looking at the word ‘adaptable’ what came up within me is that I still have allowed myself to be defined and conditioned according to the environment around me, specifically related to stepping out of my comfort zone in the polarity between ‘city life’ and ‘farm life’ or ‘rural’ environments.

In looking at the memories of where I’ve felt most inadaptable what first comes to mind is my ‘unbearable’ experience in relation to weather, where I’ve avoided extremely hot weather conditions and what emerges is this judgment towards heat and wanting to avoid heat itself, lol which I recently mentioned when chatting with some people about me going to a concert soon and they were suggesting things I could eat to have a good set up of food for the day, and I quickly responded that no, that’s not what I worry about but I truly worry about having to be an entire day under the sun… and there was no further comment on that lol where I then silently judged myself for possibly coming through as a picky-ghost that never goes out into the sun because of ‘disliking the heat.’

I’ve come to make decisions in my life based on wanting to avoid such heat and so making decisions and choices that can prevent me from having to be experiencing extreme heat.

I’ve sincerely seen myself as incapable of transcending such aversion to heat and it is a form of believing that I’m incapable of adapting to it and that it is one factor that can lead me to ‘give up’ on something because of being unable to bear the heat. This certainly is a self-sabotage pattern that previously I probably could have an option to ‘choose’ from in the sense of being capable of deciding to not live somewhere because I could be somewhere else where there’s less heat.  But currently I do see that if there is a realistic necessity or opportunity for me to relocate to a place where heat is extensive and the activity I would be doing in such place is what I truly want to do and where I see I can develop my potential and share it with others, I’d have no choice but to adapt myself to the heat and assist me in finding ways to best coexist with it, instead of making a decision to not go somewhere because of the heat itself.

Being in a position of elitism in this world is also part of how I’ve been challenged when it comes to adaptability – not that I am ‘rich’ but all of us having this kind of services and basic infrastructure in our houses makes us part of the few percentage in this world that lives well enough, and I had a ‘glimpse’ of what it was to truly not have these services at hand which created a great impact in my life.

In high school – in my Jesuit school – we were taken to a very impoverished community for only 4 days to live and do what the locals did for a living. They were the most challenging four days of my life because there was no toilet, we had to sleep on the floor, access to water was limited, we had to be working under the sun and generally this ‘pickiness’ emerged within me where I would simply remind myself that this was only temporary, that in no time I’d be back to my comfort zone – which also made it unfathomable to me how these people seemed quite content with their lives, were hardworking and could conform with not having all of the services that I’ve taken for granted and gotten so used to have immediate access to in my life. It did create an impact within me that led me to wake up and smell reality, which is part of why I then got so invested in finding solutions for this world. In essence, we should all get our ‘rural experience’ in school or in life in order to truly wake up from all the things we take for granted and that billions of people have zero access to.

In this ‘rural experience’ as it was called in school, I witnessed how others that I had perceived as more ‘picky’ than me had a much better way of adapting and being comfortable in such a basic environment, even getting to enjoy it – whereas I struggled a lot more to the point of feeling completely disempowered and having this ‘knot’ in my throat both from the sadness of seeing people live in such places to my personal interest of missing the comfort of my own home. There, I can say I also mostly failed at adapting to this environment, even it if was truly only for a moment.

When I lived at the Desteni Farm for one year, the heat aversion came up within me, as well as any other set of conditions that to me were ‘out of my comfort zone’ like having little access to going to the city, being surrounded with all kinds of animals all the time and how since I was a child I developed certain fears toward horses that I did get to face to a great extent there, but I know I ‘left off’ where I was barely getting to ground myself around them, so I still see and consider my ability to adapt to a complete farm environment as a challenge for my ability to adapt in such an environment.

I’ve also noticed that throughout my life I have been fortunately surrounded by people that I consider are very simplistic and adaptable to ‘any environment’ and so I learned from them as I shared such environments with them. Because if it was based on a family-influence, it is definitely not something I could learn firsthand from them because no one in my immediate family has been that ‘outdoors’ adventurer, even though my grandfather is definitely an ‘earth worker’ throughout his entire life, I am a victim of having the apparent ‘simple life’ in the city, separate from the rural life or country side type of lifestyle that I got to learn a lot from and appreciate in several ways when I had that one year experience in South Africa – though I still left with a sensation of experiencing myself as having to be constantly ‘coping’ with the weather and the environmental conditions, wherein I didn’t get to entirely adapt and truly embrace the environment, the weather and the routines in that place, even if I got to ‘do it all’ and push myself to work hard from day 2 of stepping there, I still could not ‘find my footing’ completely settled, and I do see that it has to do more with a set of reactions towards the weather, the lack of this ‘matrix security’ that a city gives you, and more so finding it a bit unsettling to live in such an area that was somewhat far out from the nearest town, feeling in a form of confinement at times – lol even if one steps out into an entire open space around – which proves this is entirely a mind-created perception and experience that I could see wasn’t ‘there’ in others, which led me to consider that it was only me that was having this kind of ‘issues’ with the environment, and yes I did keep it quiet and not really investigating it at the time, which is something I could have opened up to work on and transcend real time, so this is a cool feedback for me to not suppress things.

Within past situations of going to what I can define as ‘uncertain’ areas – which are trips or situations I can count with my fingers in one hand – I would notice others’ ability to adapt to the set up and be comfortable, start opening up with the locals, and be generally ok with themselves even if the setup of where we would be staying was ‘rustic’ or not having all the comfort or services I would expect. So, I’m grateful for learning from others and how they can have this capacity to make themselves comfortable no matter ‘where they are’ – again what I’m having in mind is more natural environments, rural environments, places out of any perceived ‘comfort zone’ that I’ve defined a city to be for me.

Therefore in my life, I do consider I need to challenge myself more in getting out of my comfort zone or ‘city bubble’, and as I write this, there’s this slight fear that emerges as in really wanting to say ‘nooo! I don’t really want to!’ but, that’s the way that I see I would be tested out in terms of being able to adapt living somewhere that is different from my ‘usual’ environment or context.

And this is definitely related to city and countryside type of situation because when I lived alone in Mexico City, I chose to be in a rather basic set up that I got quite adapted to even if it wasn’t a ‘great’ environment to be in, but somehow the notion of being in the city and being able to move around whenever I wanted and having the usual ‘city services’ gave me a point of comfort and security that of course one lacks when being outside of the city and dealing with the reality of life outside of the matrix bubble.

This is also some hard wiring programming in me since I was a child where I learned to fear animals, dislike ‘getting dirty’ in natural environments, having to ‘eat whatever is available’ instead of me being able to choose for myself what I want to eat and having to do work that I would prefer not doing related to specifically again, being under the sun for a long time, fearing not having water – which interestingly enough I went through for just one day in Mexico City and I could not believe how ‘hellish’ that was for me and how apprehensive I got about it as in being fearful about it even paranoid about it which I’ve shared about before in this blog, and it was barely a 24 hour situation…

All of that surely has led me to reflect on the impoverished situations that other people live in wherein there’s this comfort in my mind of thinking that ‘they have adapted to it, they’re used to it’ – but of course this is not common sensical to justify at all! It is something unacceptable that we allow billions to live in such situations and conditions – but unfortunately this is something that I cannot change alone, we all have to realize this and eventually gather to create solutions for the majority.

For now I have to first deal with my perceived inability to adapt to such environments or living conditions. And I find it interesting that this ‘adaptability’ is not related to ‘being unable to adapt to people’ – people are not the problem in my case, but my own reactions to an environment, a living setup, a set of weather conditions. And if I truly want to support myself, well I’d have to also take myself out of my comfort zone where the whole set up in which I live – even if it is very simplistic – it still has all the basic services and even nearby environment where I get everything that I require at any time.

And this is where the notion of having to ‘move’ somewhere else becomes like a slight sensation of fear in the ‘pit of my stomach’ which is all related to a fear of the unknown and a conditioning that has to do with all that I’ve described having experienced before – which wasn’t really ‘bad’ at all – but it all has to do with all the unresolved emotional issues I created towards these environments, which I will be opening up within self-forgiveness in the next blog, because I can clearly see right now how this is truly one of those challenging points for me where I feel quite ‘unsettled’ opening it up lol, which means it’s great that I actually can open it up for once and for all.

How I came up with this notion of looking at the word adaptable in relation to that person I created an ‘attraction’ towards was upon seeing the guy take long hikes completely alone in the mountains and grabbing just one backpack with some basic items needed to do it. I envied his capacity to be completely fine and enjoying himself with just a few items on his back and wander into un-charted territory like a forest or hiking up some mountains, because my thoughts immediately went in the direction of ‘what if there are wild animals, what if he gets stung by something poisonous, what if he runs out of water or food, where will he go to the toilet, how does he manage to sleep!??’ and so picturing myself fearing missing all of those things that I’ve defined as ‘my security’ and basic services/environmental infrastructure.

I see that the one of the reasons why it has been not yet possible for me to adapt is because I keep holding on to the consideration of a situation like that only being temporary for me, that at some point I’ll go ‘back to my comfort zone’ in a city, in a preferred weather environment and so not having to actually embrace my reality completely, which is really not a nice experience at all, because even in one’s imagination, it all becomes about ‘longing’ or ‘yearning’ to be somewhere else but where you are and this I found a very unsettling experience. Yet I was creating it myself based on all the judgments and beliefs I had about my inability to adapt to those environments and truly embrace them as ‘my reality’ or ‘my home’ in that moment.

I therefore would very much like to get to be comfortable and be adaptable in relation to these weather conditions and environments that I’ve defined as uncertain or challenging, and shed that layer of discomfort or ‘pickiness’ that I haven’t managed to let go of – which is for now existing as a memory only as well, because in reality, I have not been in such conditions or environments for a long time. Even when people tell me that they went to the sierra/mountains to spend some days in a little town, there’s a part of me that would truly want to experience a sense of comfort in the notion of going to those places and genuinely enjoy myself, but at the same time what emerges in me is an idea of discomfort, of fear, of uncertainty, of lacking services, of insecurity, of being ‘at the mercy of an uncertain weather’, of not having the resources ‘at my disposition’ as easy as I have them where I live, etc.

I also consider that I’ve judged myself and have secretly been embarrassed throughout my life for having all of these fears I’ve defined as ‘pickiness,’ because I have seen how for many people such lifestyles related to farm life or country side are a ‘dream come true’ but for me it has always been the opposite for the most part and I am glad I did challenge myself to live in a farm for one year, but it wasn’t enough to truly enjoy and embrace my reality, because I knew it would not be permanent and this also sets a condition of ‘tolerating’ or ‘coping’ with something for some time only, instead of me having applied the ability to truly embrace that context and environment regardless of it being temporary or not and work through my reactions in real time.

So, the point here is for me to work with the fears, the anxiety that emerges when considering the potential of living in a place like that again and working with the mental-stuff related to it, to at least recognize how I’ve built this experience of me being apparently ‘inept’ in those environments – and so stopping ‘vetting’ myself from making certain decisions in my life based on an environment, to get the ‘weather’ situation out of the list of ‘cons’ to make decisions in my life and then, there will also be such a thing as testing the real thing and getting to apply myself with the corrections and realizations that I will lay out for myself, and discover for once and for all if I can truly be directive in an environment that I’ve defined as ‘challenging’ for me to be ‘this comfortable and stable me’ as I can apparently be in a familiar or city environment.

Of course all of these are self-limitations I have to break through and change within me as I continue ‘processing’ all of these with self-forgiveness in self-honesty.

More to come…. Thanks for reading.

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


488. Social Expectations and Self-Honesty

Or how to face a situation like a funeral in a balance of what is politically correct and what is our genuine expression in the moment.

For the last two days I was in a situation of facing the death of a close person and the attendance of a funeral for the second time ever in my life and to say the least, I had not yet created a way in which I can trust myself in those situations considering there are several aspects that I got to take into account, leading to a situation where I doubted myself at times that can be uncomfortable yet entirely self-created of course. So I’ll share here the raw process of me going through the whole lay out of the points and the self-forgiveness process wherein I establish common sense and points for me to correct/align in future similar situations.

Even if I had dealt with the sadness point about this person eventually dying it an accepting it, realizing that as we know, no one ever really dies and he’s probably facing his process in the afterlife right now, at the same time having to also be participating in all the processes that come after the person dies with the family became a new set of situations that I had not faced in my life therefore they became quite a part of myself to get to know and investigate further.

First of all, saw a dead person for the first time in my life. I saw myself not wanting to do it based on some kind of fear of ‘seeing a dead person’ but I did it in order to do it for once and for all and I found it a bit disturbing to say the least, I judged doing so as a form of morbid move as if there was something ‘to see’ in a dead body at the same time, which ended up being a printed image in my mind that I got stuck on for some time, seeing myself imagining how I would look dead, how my partner would look dead, how my parents will look dead and in that moment I said to myself like ‘whoa wait a minute what am I participating on?’ which was of course just a mental stimulation with no practical use, not even if for the purpose of getting comfortable with the idea of all of us dying at some point anyways, because it’s not here so, just indulging in imagination about it won’t certainly be supportive at this very moment.

Many times before I’ve skipped funerals altogether, I did not see the point and also feared seeing others sad and so fearing myself becoming sad and in a powerless situation. But after a while of reading others’ experiences and considerations around funerals, I decided to attend and be part of most of the processes involved in it this time and ensuring that I was making a decision to do so as my own volition, not self-compromise, but this wasn’t entirely so in various moments where I consider I succumbed my idea/belief or perception of what others’ expectations were based on the situation, where I saw myself being torn into what I consider my self-honesty in those moments and doing what I thought was going to ‘please others’ based on expectations of what to be and do in such situations where people are visibly mourning.

One thing I recalled from my first funeral I attended back in 2001 is how I could not feel a thing, therefore I started thinking myself into sadness in order to cry and then feel like I had been up to the expectations of what goes on in a funeral. This time I decided to be there for my own sake and to be with my family which I can say is my family even if ‘political’ but have spent many times together with them so, yep it was  of course sad for me but we got to know of this situation coming more than a month ago, so there was time to process it yet I found myself still not entirely settled in ‘who I am’ in moments of mourning and what to say or do to support others.

So here I’m starting to investigate my experience and make sense of it: what am I aware of? I made the decision to be accompanying the family in all the processes, from the waiting of the funerary services, which means seeing the body on the bed ‘as is,’ to seeing it leave to the funerary, to accompanying it to the funerary, to waiting for it to be received, etc. I saw it also as a learning experience, a first time in it all while also wanting to be of support in any way I could around there.

This part I found myself a bit too clumsy on, which might be a judgment. To me there was not so much of a point to have so many considerations for a body there, while I know that the being is no longer there and then it’s just a matter of rather being there for the family. It was surprising to find out about all the procedures and legal situations that need to be directed when a person dies – again, it was a learning experience but I also saw myself a bit conflicted in terms of whether I had to present myself in a particular situation or not. I decided to simply be a point of tranquility and stability during that phase to assist in any  way I could – but there wasn’t anything I got to actually ‘do’ in it all but just be there.

This ‘just be there’ clicks in me as if it was something that was ‘not enough’ or ‘minimal’ but it is me, it’s my presence, not defined through a ‘doing’ per se, but we were there the same way that we had been with all the same people in previous family reunions.

When I saw that I got a bit too conflictive was when it comes to assessing what was ‘sufficient’ in terms of time and moments of being there with the family and it was actually many hours throughout the past two days, practically whole afternoon until midnight in all the processes and even if we were suggested that we could leave at any time, I would assess ‘in my mind’ based on ‘what is acceptable and what is not’ by others, how ‘others’ would see it and in this is where self-compromise existed. I didn’t want to leave the spot, I didn’t want to cause an impression of ‘not caring about the person’ because in fact even if my interaction with the person wasn’t ‘that much’ every time it was actually very genuine and that’s what I am most grateful for about that situation that we could go beyond ‘age difference’ or ‘roles’ and speak frankly about things, which is also he liked about myself and my partner, not really ‘playing a show’ or being hypocritical as he would say, but just ‘be ourselves.’

So, in those moments of facing some coldness and hunger at times, some sleepiness too, I saw that I wanted to ‘stick up’ to being strong or resilient and supportive, while at the same time doubting myself altogether whether I should be there or not, whether it was of any support for others or not, whether it was best for us to leave or not, so in essence deciding to stick by based on doing it for others, to accompany them and also in a way of considering the memory of the person that died even though I know that he’s not ‘here’ or near his body but possibly walking his life review right now.

I decided then that we should stick through it all from beginning to end, taking some breaks in between but it was my first ‘full-fledged’ process of funeral in my life and I can use this experience as a way to learn more about myself in a situation like that and also confronting the point of judging myself as ‘not sure of myself’ in many situations or how to ‘act’ towards some people, because sometimes one doesn’t feel sad and I tend to be very transparent about it then judging myself as possibly being perceived that ‘I don’t care enough because I’m not sad or concerned’ which I did challenge as a belief within myself, not playing an emotion as a form of empathy towards others, while at the same time yes considering others’ pain and sorrow, and in some points yes admitting that I cried along with seeing some family members cry at the same time as a realization of their loss and that’s where I pushed myself to give a hand, to caress their back and simply be there for support .

Therefore I see that I have to let go of the judgment towards my actions in wanting to frame them as adequate or not, good enough or not, because as much as there are ways and certain politics or protocols in such situations, I can create an equilibrium between yes, adapting myself to it without compromising myself too much.

Where did I see the compromise? Well, when the coffin was open and the body was inside, people were going to greet it and say their goodbyes. I could not rationalize that it would have any meaning other than looking at an image of the person in the body and upon seeing everyone’s reaction to it, I considered that it was also a bit of a morbid situation, while at the same time rationalizing that ‘ok, it’s just a dead body, if I am resisting looking at it again, it’s based on the first impression I had the day before I saw the body ‘raw’ on the bed where he died’ and this time he already had some touch ups from the funerary, so I decided to look at the body and then the inevitable happened of course, the image triggered the actual realization of ‘the person is dead’ and you won’t ever see him again. So, there I cried a bit again which a part of me wanted to prevent and suppress while another was saying just let go and cry it out, while at the same time judging the emotional aspect of myself since it seemed ‘out of my control’ to handle.

In essence, yes as one can read, I was in a constant assessment and questioning of ‘what would be best for all’ to do in those moments, so I decided to not look at what I would like to do that much, but more look at others, the reason for this funeral to exist is not so much for the dead person – he’s not here anymore –but for the family, and that’s something I kept reminding myself so focused on being there as a point of presence for my family, for the family in general and as partner says, we are part of a social situation so we have to participate the same way others do and yes, learn from this situation for future ones because death is the most certain thing that happens to every person and not even our ‘tomorrow’ is secured, to any of us.

I also practiced simply breathing and being quiet within myself in those moments where there wasn’t really ‘much to do’ or not much happened. I also didn’t go into participating in the thoughts or memories about the person because I knew that would be a direct trigger to start crying or being sad about it, and I didn’t do that. I focused on what was in my surroundings and learned to be there with others in a similar manner, while at the same time ensuring I am not taken over in any emotional way, except for the couple of crying moments that didn’t last long.

I realize I have to also let go of judging myself if getting emotional in a situation like that. As it’s been shared in some material, one can cry and let it all out as a point of release, but at the same time ensuring that one is not ‘thinking oneself into crying’ either.

It also was an interesting situation because funerals and the death of a relative are such ‘common situations’ but funnily enough I had avoided going at those for such a long time, though due to the closeness with this person, I genuinely decided to be part of it, which is cool, I can see that I decided to live the word Empathy here in the sense of not become equally sad as everyone there, but decide to stand as a presence that can be more stable, breathe, and simply be there as a person that is there in the memory of the person that died and to be with the family. Here I have to for a moment be considerate and let go of more of my ‘radical self’ that would say that it is all useless as he’s not ‘there’ anymore and it is only a way to cry-out many regrets, fears or projections of our own death, but nope, I decided to be clear within me and not project, not judge others but there still was more of a questioning on how adequate I was in those situations – and instead learn from it, not judge myself over it, because it is in fact something relatively new.

We can only learn from making either decision – one or the other – because as partner says, if one see-saws then there are fears and then I have to look at what were those fears which I can see are related more into ‘what others might say’ rather than learning to trust myself, my consideration and not fearing making a ‘mistake’ in such a ‘delicate situation’ but all of these are like ‘special values’ I’ve attached to a situation like a funeral, which I should start embracing as any other part of our social interactions too.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto others ideas, beliefs and expectations about ‘how I should be and behave’ and in this compromising myself within these beliefs within me that I thought I had to ‘stick to’, which actually I ended up shattering once that I saw how the whole funeral indeed became like a small reunion of the family where eventually the sadness and protocol were past and people were able to relax a bit after some of the processes involved in the funeral were done, as well as realizing that I had created this whole idea about funerals in my head, from movies or situations that are not realistic in how things and people actually go and behave in them, so I confirm my own brainwashing, lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my actions and interactions during a funeral as inadequate or possibly not good enough when there is actually no ‘standard’ for it all nor is there any morality that I should adjust to, other than instead going in accordance to the actions and activities that are part of the funeral and remain in stability while being accompanying others in such moments, letting go of the idea that I have to ‘be sad or show sadness’ and instead continue pushing myself to be ok with being stable and rather of a supportive stance in the midst of it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge crying in a funeral as a weakness, as a form of ‘being in my mind’ upon seeing the person in the coffin which actually could have also triggered the idea of ‘no longer seeing the person around’ while at the same time remembering the times with them,  while at the same time invariably considering the death of everyone around me in that moment as something that I’ll face in one way or another – therefore, I can embrace death, death people as in dead bodies in front of me and see them for what they are, matter, while reminding myself that this funeral process is more for the living than the dead and that no matter ‘who dies’, I am here, I am breathing and anything I am fearing in relation to death I have to process for myself from the get go in order to not be holding on to judgments, ideas, beliefs around death and funerals and the social situation in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea that I should be ‘beyond’ this situation of funerals in terms of getting emotional in it, which can instead create a suppression if I have already participated in any form of sadness around it and as such, releasing it through crying makes sense for the body and myself, instead of holding myself back and causing more suppression in my body which I consider I created in me, experiencing a flu at the moment which sounds like a participation in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fears around the future of my parents dying, others in that same funeral dying and how I’ll have to take care of the situation which I managed to also turn into a constructive discussion with my parents to get to know more of the facts around their funerals and time of death, which has also become very much like a taboo topic that over the years I’ve been opening up more, but I could see how based on reactions I saw they had upon touching the subject, it was definitely not a ‘desired topic’ but they were ok to explain some things, which is cool and in this I rather turn those ‘fears’ into something practical where I know where I can look at the prevention and practicality of these points to look at.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into a future projection of how hard it must be to have parents die and how much I will cry or suffer when they are gone, and in doing so don’t stop myself from indulging into this imagination, wherein even if it could be a practical imagination and I considered how it would be reasonable to cry and be sad, there was also a fear of ‘not being able to be stable enough’ or ‘losing my ground’ which I rather hereby let go of the judgment towards a situation as the death of relatives, family, friends, partners that I will most likely face in my lifetime and instead be ok with whatever emerges in that moment, not judging sadness for the death of someone close to me as a weakness or a fall, but instead seeing it as a momentary process that I will also overcome with time and self-support, so here realizing that death of others is not the end of the world, no matter how hard it is at times, I am here, I’m breathing, I’m alive and so I rather not look too much into a future that I cannot ensure for myself either and instead, I can trust myself that when the time comes, I can deal with the situation in self-support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have tried to ‘break the taboo’ around the topic of death through speaking about it, asking how I would like to be buried or how others would like to be buried while at the same time still doing so within an inherent fear of actually having to face such moments – so here applies the point of ‘who we are’ in what we do, because even if I might seem comfortable in asking these questions and they can be in fact genuinely supportive to look at for practical reasons, if I am still existing as fear of facing those moments, then I am still having to let go of the fear of ‘what if’ for a future moment, stick to my present and trust myself I’ll be able to handle it when time comes, because death is the only certainty that we all have in this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear of loss toward the people that are close to me and wanting to believe that ‘I’ll survive it, I’ll be strong about it’ when in fact I don’t know and can’t know, and have to accept that it might not be an ‘easy time’ for me, yet what I do know is that  I can eventually overcome it with continuing focusing on living and supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-doubt about my actions and ways in general during a funeral wherein I am focusing more on what I am ‘for others’ and doing what is ‘expected’ instead of rather deciding to be the directive principle of myself there, doing what others do that I find is supportive like being there with the family, without indulging into emotions if they are not ‘here’ – meaning, not pretending for the sake of empathy – and at the same time, not judging myself if I do become emotional in them, wherein then I can come and write and see what other fears or points opened up in my through this experience and so instead of seeing this experience through the eyes of ‘fearing making a mistake’ or ‘not being up to the expectations’ – which are my own anyways – I can learn from myself in those contexts and continue being honest with myself about my experience, while realizing that I can stabilize myself and I can prevent emotional buildups through writing and reasoning through a death process as a preventive measure, but at the same time, not to judge if I cannot ‘contain’ myself in those moments. What matters is being able to stand up from those moments, not judging myself for being ‘at my weakest’ during the death of a person close to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wanted to play the strong one that doesn’t cry at all and that is ever stable when I have to also be self-honest in my experience and be ok with me being sad or crying at a funeral, while also keeping an eye on not being entertaining memories or ideas that lead to a continuous crying that is then being constantly generated by the mind and that I consider will also depend on the relationship with the person, the time spent with them and so not judging others when I do see them ‘break down’ and be very sad in those moments of mourning the death of a loved one. I have to embrace those situations as aspects of our humanity that might be difficult to completely face with zero emotions. Therefore not to judge myself as emotions, but rather ensuring I am not manipulating myself into emotions and instead let them out once that they are there and support myself to stand up again from such times/moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that we will miss him in family reunions because of his good sense of humor, kindness and embracing towards us for who we are, understanding our sometimes unconventional ways of being and enjoying that of ourselves, believing that then ‘no one’ will have that same stance towards ourselves, but here I can then apply the ‘miss-him’ to me-is-him realization whenever in future moments it comes up that we are missing him in our reunions, to rather live that kindness, welcoming, embracing, non-compromising expression he had with us, as well as with a good sense of humor and live it out ourselves, to continue being cordial to others and rather continue applying those words as myself toward others. That way I take the words, the aspects of him that I found most supportive and enjoyable and make it a point to live them as myself and so toward others.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel a bit powerless in wanting to help others that were in notorious grief and wanting to assist them in one way or another, expecting some kind of ‘result’ from it, instead of rather being unconditional with my presence and support and understanding how my desire to stop them suffering is still coming from a fear of them remaining in suffering, so I rather let go of a desired outcome of what my support should do for others and instead express it as myself, no judgment, no expectation, letting go of what’s right or wrong, but be able to trust my common sense in such moments and let go of the judgments, no matter how ‘new’ a situation might be for me, common sense is common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation towards myself in a funeral as in ‘wanting to be of support for others’ and so trying to find any way in which I could be ‘there’ as a point of support, which didn’t came through in any notorious manner, therefore here I have to let go of my desire to ‘be of support’ and instead embrace my presence as that, a presence that is there for myself and for others wherein I can then assist when and as I see is possible or required of me, but this does not mean that I am ‘only there wanting to support’ because then I condition myself, my decisions and my expression as in wanting to be ‘of support’ for others only.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to at times also consider whether I should be there at all, if we were not much of an ‘extra burden’ in such moments where I was assessing then in terms of ‘hierarchy of importance’ and ‘who’s who in the zoo’ in that situation based on ‘how close’ each person was to the person that died etc. instead of just being able to embrace my own conviction  of wanting to be there as my decision and that of everyone else that was also participating in their own decision – so I have to stop indulging into ‘what ifs’ in such situations, because yes as much as others could compromise themselves in not wanting to be rude to some people and ask them to leave, I also cannot create ideas about what others are desiring in relation to my presence there either. I can only be the one that is sincerely there as a personal conviction and so, others could do the same in relation to embracing me or not around and communicate about it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be ‘politically correct’ in a situation such as the death of a person, wherein it actually comes from a desire to be doing the ‘right thing’ in such situations but the reality is that it is many times a new experience for everyone therefore, there is no ‘right or wrong’ or expectations around it, but simply doing what’s necessary to do in such situations, following protocols while assisting oneself to remain calm and not feeding our minds with fears and experiences, while at the same time embracing the emotions if they are here at times.

 

I saw various points opened up throughout these past days and I noticed how in several moments I had to go making sure I am doing things within my own volition and decision, breaking through a pattern of avoiding funerals and instead testing out ‘who am I’ in them, in a way facing a fear of death in general I suppose that is more in relation to seeing others being sad or mourning and fearing that within myself.

I have to make peace with a process of mourning, that’s for sure and it’s something I’ll face probably several times in my life, therefore I rather assist myself with prevention and learning from this experience, which is another way to get to know myself.

 

Ultimately I have to consider and remind myself do as I’d like to be done unto – and in this yes I would not like people to be sad when I am dead but rather take one or two points they learned from me and live them through in their own lives, that would be awesome so, this process goes beyond ‘a funeral’ really, it can be turned into much more of what that person lived and what we can learn from each other and continue the life of these individuals through words we saw them live and live them ourselves.

 

Thanks for reading

 

For anyone seeking support on facing the death of loved ones , please read through the following blogs from Sunette to understand the process of mourning at a mind and physical level, very supportive:

Shock, Trauma and Stress: DAY 479 | Heaven’s Journey to Life

Shock, Trauma and Stress (Part Two): DAY 480 | Heaven’s 

Relationships and Death: DAY 481 | Heaven’s Journey to Life

Losing someone is like Losing a part of Myself – DAY 491 | 

Losing someone is like Losing a part of Myself (Part 2) – DAY 

 

To anyone wanting to know first hand shares from the life in the afterlife:

Death Review Series: This series consists of personal stories of beings during their process of death in various contexts and situations, detailing the relationship between the mind, body and beingness.

 

Life Review Series: This series consists of hundreds of personal stories of beings who passed, crossed over and reviewed their lives – all to share with us what they faced, what they learned and how they did or could have lived solutions.

 

Mourning Flu

 

 

join in the Process of Life


432. Don’t Want To Be Part of Life?

 

Something interesting happened when I considered writing about exigencies and enforcement, since I can relate to having those aspects coming through me when lacking humbleness and consideration toward others. Today I received a comment to one of my previous blog entries sharing about those that do not want to participate in walking a process of living life in a way that is supportive, nor do they perceive themselves to be doing ‘any harm.’ But, at the same time they perceive that they are somewhat ‘forced’ to stay alive or agree with the changes that some people in this world – including myself – see are necessary, for the betterment of it of course.

It is an interesting position I’d say, because such kind of ‘neutrality’ to me is really not existent from this perspective. We are in this world and there can only exist the belief, the comfortable idea that ‘I harm no one, I only exist here, I was only brought into life without asking for it, therefore I am not responsible for anything that is here, I do not want any form of change nor do I want to be part of it.’

From my perspective and own experience it is very difficult to turn a blind eye to the reality in this world, and it is even more difficult to try and ‘cope with it’ with all sorts of reasons, excuses or taking anything ‘extra’ to ‘soothe the pain.’ There’s also some that perceive that because they have not been assisted/supported in this world, then should not be expected to be part of supporting oneself/others/life on Earth back. To go straight to the point, I’d say it is a spiteful stance believing that one can exist here and hold no accountability or liability for our sheer existence.

I know, I know, self-responsibility can be the scariest thing to realize upon looking at the reality we live in, but to think or believe that ‘I am Not part of the problem’ is a point of self-beatification in a way, believing one is immaculate and affects nothing and no one in this world – therefore self-sustained in some miraculous way – and because one does no harm = there is no point of responsibility to the whole either. From my perspective and understanding, this is more of a nice lie we like to whisper to ourselves in our heads to not be able to face the music, as it’s usually said.

Now, back to the point of enforcement. It is true that I cannot conceive the existence of someone that would not want to be part of the process of creating a better world, a better life, not only for oneself but for everyone else – and in this of course including and considering every single being that we disregard as merely being ‘of another species’ or ‘microorganisms’ or ‘dead elements’ that actually compose life on Earth. If anything this should be our reason to continue existing in this world, to continue exposing the need for a change of mind, a change in self to become part of the solutions in this world and stop being the problem; but at the same time, I have shattered my own gullibility throughout the years and gotten to know other people that definitely do not agree with my perspective and principles.

I can understand how there are some people that can perceive that life has forgotten them, have not gotten any form of support to live in decency, have been rejected or kicked out of any sort of social system for not having certain education, skills, etc. But, it is also true that there is a decision in each person to either hold on to this all as an eternal form of victimization, or decide to recognize that yes, life has not been ‘peachy’ for everyone – yet, there is a need to do something about it, starting with ourselves.

More so now than a decade ago, this wave of awareness on the changes needed in this world is kicking with full strength I’d say, which is awesome. Yet, one of the things that would prevent oneself from being part of that new awareness, is holding on to the past, to the scorn, to the resentment to life/society/the world or particular individuals in our lives that have ‘wronged’ us and so, becoming an excuse to not have any intent of change. To me this is keeping ourselves in a definitive enslavement through one’s own will. If anything I would ask: why would someone want to hold on to a limited life, one where oneself sees that there is no space for ‘me’ in this new wave of change and awareness in this world? Why would I want to exclude myself from being part of something that I am – by default-  a part of already, and that is actually meaningful beyond any point of ego-interest, standing for something that will benefit me and many others as well?

I cannot deny that at some point I could have been in that realm of ‘do whatever you want and leave me alone’  just because I was in the mindset that it was someone else’s fault and not mine, kind of leaving me in the realm of ‘I haven’t been part of the mess’ and comfortably – more like cynically – pointing fingers at those that are the usual piñatas to hit and blame for our problems. And even at times now, I may still struggle at times with being able to embrace constructive outcomes, because it’s quite known by now – or read this entire blog otherwise – that I was in the kind of easy-way-out “solutions” person like expecting some massive destruction that would reduce all human race to dust, in the end realizing that this was only to not face the actual consequences of our actions and inactions throughout our human path on Earth, in essence: do something about it.

A few years ago I had the firm idea that everyone would want to be part of a solution, that it just made ‘perfect sense’ that someone would want to support themselves, to get the gist of what self-responsibility implies when it comes to living in this world. But, unfortunately, as common sensical as this may be for many, it is also something very difficult for others to acknowledge, to recognize. It is difficult because of the past experiences mostly, a way of self-definition where one wants to hold on to having been wronged in life and so, not wanting to be part of the new possibilities. Some years ago, I would probably had said ‘everyone has to be part of this change’ – but, realistically speaking and having had more experience with people and getting to know them and their reasons, it is so that of course it is not a point to impose or enforce to anyone, it is ultimately a decision one makes about it.

In a way I’d say that it’s not even so much about deciding to ‘not be part of it,’ because if you are here in this world as a human or any other form/being that is part of this reality = you are already part of it, the interdependence exists by default whether one wants to acknowledge it or not. So, I’d say that it is only one’s ego as one’s memories, idea of self, perceptions, judgments and holding on to it all that can prevent oneself from deciding to acknowledge self responsibility and decide to  – at the very least – support themselves at an individual level to live an honest life, of self-support.

This is ultimately a decision to see, engage, motivate and move oneself to be part of it – or (un)comfortably deny that one sees the need for a change in oneself, in the world system, in our everyday survival and keep a blind eye to it. Precisely today I was pointing out how once one takes the red pill – like in the Matrix movie – there is no way back, and one can probably go  bit insane in trying to ‘undo’ this awareness of who we are, what we’ve done and the responsibility we have to it all.

If anything it is easier for me to understand the fear to acknowledge the responsibility to it all. I can also understand the illusion of comfort that this notion of ‘not being part of anything’ brings, which is in fact a denial of that which is self-evident: one cannot exist ‘alone’ and affecting no-one, that is pure physics. Life is a series of relationships and as such no-life cannot exist without relationships. And if you bring up this fluffy idea of relationships in your mind when reading the word ‘relationships,’ definitely need to redefine the word to see that everything exists in relationships in this reality, as that is what enables life on Earth.

In addition to this all, life as physical bodies that are part of this world – as the individuals we are and coexist – need from one another to continue living. The physicality in itself would not deny in any way this interdependence, this coexistence, this ultimate ‘oneness and equality’ that exists here; it is only in the mind that we concoct any argument, justification and ultimately an excuse to defend one’s limitation, one’s ego-interest and here I’d ask the question: well, who benefits?

The only thing that comes up for me is, I would not want to be in the shoes of a person that has gotten to be aware of proposed ways and solutions to make of one’s life and that of others a better one and still decide to think that remaining in one’s egg-shell is the way to continue existing. Yet, I’ve learned as well that as I’ve said many times before, I cannot impose or enforce change onto others. I can only share my own experience,  what has driven me to step out of my own egg-shell and continue to expose the very well-known mind traps to remain in a seemingly ‘safe zone of comfort’ by believing one is not liable to anything in this world.

My responsibility and principle is to share and expose how this position of being ‘neutral’ to it all is a comfortable lie, because I’ve been there and done that only to notice how miserable I was becoming because of refusing to actually see life beyond my own (knows) nose.

Life is not a choice, because if you are here and exist, you are already alive. But I’d say that actually living an honorable, self-supportive life is an actual choice that each one will decide for oneself to do. It cannot be enforced; it can only be shown and shared by example, it must be self-realized, self-recognized. The best thing is that each one will make that decision to actively take part in it or not, and ultimately it is not about ‘others,’ but about oneself: are we willing to live with ourselves for the rest of our existence knowing the decisions we’ve made might have been actually dictated by a mind that thrives on self-sabotage and self- deprecation?

So, to you writing the comment, I would suggest to reconsider the fact that it is truly you not wanting to be ‘part of life’ – or if it is just an idea, a concept, a bit of information that makes everything seemingly ‘easier’ when in fact it prevents one from stepping outside of the cage and learning how to actually live, for real. Why would one deny to oneself one of the greatest ‘gifts’ anyone can ever give to oneself, free of charge?

What will you decide? Who will decide for you?

My ultimate suggestion, give yourself a chance.

 

 

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427. Walking through the Fear of Making a Decision

 

decisions-fear

 

OBSERVE yourself in that moment ob-SERVE, serve yourself with some awareness through observation, in the moment MOVE yourself to ask “why am I allowing the mind to be more than me/a decision to change here?” and then do a forgiveness / breathing to stand and not accept/allow the thoughts/emotions to take over

 

There has been a couple of situations lately where I accepted fear as a limitation to move and direct myself here, I created a situation of secrecy based on the fear of being judged for the decisions I’ve made in my life. This is not a new situation, it is a pattern and it was interesting to see how I feared making a decision based on the past experiences upon similar decisions and the consequences it created, but in the end I didn’t realize that it was myself that had made those decisions and that the consequence was not really an outflow imposed by others, but actually created by myself and the nature of my decision.

In this I can share that when making decisions in our lives, it is important to not allow our own projected judgment to take over about what ‘others’ will think/say/conclude about one’s decision, it should not matter. This is about oneself being fully aware of and willing to stand in self-responsibility upon making a decision in one’s life, to equate all possible outcomes and have the ability to face the outflows of it, not only in terms of willing oneself to take responsibility for it, but in practical physical reality terms which includes physical bodies, money, world-system considerations, the minds and experiences of the people involved in such decision and whoever else in the environment will be affected by it. Many times we make decisions based on fears and desires and that is not the best way to approach a decision.

 

A decision is then the end result of having assessed all the possible outflows of a situation, considering who and what will be affected by such decision, to ensure that it is not driven by an emotion or a feeling, but by a set of principles that one is willing to stand by and apply at all times from the moment of making a decision to take a certain step in one’s life and on. Many times we first make a decision based on a ‘hunch’ or on a desire or fear – which is the same anyways, driven by an energetic experience – and only later, after the decision is settled,  do we assess what is actually doable and possible in physical reality and what kind of things we actually need to make such decision a reality – this is how we mostly trap ourselves in our decisions, by not considering all the outflows of it and ensuring one is willing to walk through them and ensuring that no matter what, one has the ability to stand up and remain directive.

 

So, I went through a process of keeping a significant decision in my life secret. Why? Well because I projected ideas, beliefs and fears about what others would think of such decision in my life based on past experiences. Where did this lead me to? It led me to then have to walk through my self-created ‘fear’ of having to for once and for all ‘reveal’ or ‘expose’ such decision to the people I had created a ‘fear’ of exposing it to, and the outcome was that it wasn’t as anything that I had created/expected in my mind. I realized in that moment what a big deal I had made and how in fearing ‘what others would say’ about it, I was in fact getting distracted from what actually matters: it is not about ‘others,’ it is never about what ‘others’ would think or say, this is of course about my life and the lives of those involved in this decision. I once again saw how ‘easy’ it is to in the mind get distracted with these seemingly ‘torturing’ experiences of keeping secrets and deciding to not have anyone else to reference a decision with; in a way it is a risk to decide on certain things and not reference them with anyone else, I decided to do that and realized that what I required was me willing to stand by it and learn from it whatever it may bring.  

In this, I would recommend to not fall into the ‘blowing things out of proportion’ that the mind is keen on creating about the result and outflow of confronting such decisions or even sharing about such decisions, and rather taking a breath and walk through the resistance to share something, to face that ‘fear of being judged’ and realize that a judgment does not really do ‘anything’ to us, because whichever point we are fearing to hear about others, we should have first worked with and assessed within ourselves first. Like, for example, seeing: what am I actually fearing to hear from others as feedback upon my decision? And in that rather exploring such ‘fears’ I have and understand them as an outflow of my own doubts, of my own judgments, of my own uncertainties which I should then clarify for myself first, instead of projecting them as potential situations coming from others toward ‘me.’

In fact, one can only fear ‘what others would say’ if one has not yet fully grounded oneself in such decision and is 100% certain on it, and this is how one inkling of doubt taken on as a general doubt toward the decision can be blown out of proportion and made much more than what it practically should be: a process of walking the decision and taking on ‘the points’ that emerge with it and as a result of it moment by moment.

One thing that is always great to recognize is that whatever I bring to my life, is my responsibility and no one else’s, it is my own set of choices that I will have to stand up to and walk through, and in this is also cool to be aware of fearing taking certain risks, failing, making mistakes, bringing undesired consequences, but I have also realized that many times I have fallen for being over-analyzing everything and as such not really taking any risks, which many times leads to stagnation and general limitations based on – once again – rather avoiding undesired outcomes and consequences. But, we would not move as much in life if we constantly held up these fears as reasons to not do things, this is all about being able to measure ‘who am I’ in this decision? what is my starting point within it? what are the potential outflows by me taking this decision? Who am I affecting with my decisions? Have I considered what to do in potential situations that become challenging throughout walking that decision? And so walk the point in self-responsibility and at all times reminding myself that: I made this decision therefore, I assume all the responsibility and outflows that come from it.

In this then, making a seemingly ‘risky’ decision can become at the same time also a point for self-empowerment, where I can prove to myself what I am able to walk through or ‘confront’ myself and others in certain situation and if mistakes arise or ‘failures’ come up, I will only be able to go back to the drawing board and learn from it, seeing what I didn’t take into consideration  based on reality and so seeing where my decision was clouded by a certain desire or fear or any other illusion that was not grounded in physical reality.

It is also then cool to strip our decisions from any fears, doubts and projected expectations about it all, as these are all mind elements that are not necessary to be considered when actually walking a decision and making it work.

Change in our lives is something we are programmed to fear the most and resist the most, we don’t like our ‘little bubbles’ of idleness and status quo to be challenged and changed, and if we look at where this has led us in the world system, it is to stagnation in devolution: only getting worse because we’ve feared to stand up and make serious decisions that involve and require absolute self-responsibility and willingness to walk through the choices we make, even if they mean going ‘the wrong way,’ we can only learn as we fall and create another way to stand up again.  This life is our educational ground and whichever decision we make in our lives, it is best to prepare oneself to fully face it and acknowledge the outflows of it, ensuring one is clear from any mind experience around it and so be able to stand through it not only ‘for the moment’ but as a general process of decision-making steps that lead to a particular outcome generally defined as a new experience in one’s life, a new situation, another ‘phase’ which we usually would not lead ourselves into.  

So it really only takes one moment to make a decision to walk through the seemingly overwhelming and nerve-wracking fear that seems to be overpowering oneself and just do it. , It was funny the day after I faced this point I was laughing at myself after I ‘faced my fear’ and was asking to myself ‘wtf was that?’ because it was such a ‘throwback experience’ to the who I was in the past in similar situations. Fortunately I was able to be supported back at the same time and so this assisted me in realizing what a mindfuck that was so, it is a point I share here to understand that the mind’s job is to blow things out of proportion, at all times: it feeds off from conflict.  We can only be grateful to fall flat back on the ground and realize what a big deal one makes out of something.

In any case, we can always remind ourselves that whichever judgment or experience another creates about one’s decision, such judgment or experience is about themselves and their own mind/judgments only, which is a basic aspect to consider as well. In this then one should then consider at the meaningful feedback that can be obtained not as a ‘judgment’ but as feedback that one can use to take into consideration, to assess within ourselves if it is in fact supportive and necessary to reflect back upon it.

So instead of fearing others’ judgment about our decisions, it is to rather ask oneself what is this fear of mine reflecting back to me about the decision I’ve made? What am I not entirely clear about? What am I fearing about my decision? Then it is not about ‘others’ and what they might say or think about ‘myself’ and ‘my decision,’ but about oneself only, it is entirely our responsibility to face our lives, our decisions, our ‘choices’ and this way, it will be much easier to share one’s decision, once that one has walked through self-forgiving the multiple scenarios and ideas and ‘what ifs’ and rather ‘arm’ oneself with necessary principles to face one’s decision, assess physical reality and so stand by what one decides upon in self-responsibility, realizing that the decision is not a ‘once off’ situation, but rather a continuous living of such decision which in all cases we can always learn more about ourselves, others and living in general.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Fear based Decisions - Living Choices


418. Deschooling Ourselves: Why and How to Do it?

 

unlearn rethink

After watching Charles Eisenstein’s Deschooling Ourselves workshop video, I realized how important it is to be aware of how much of ‘who we become’ as a person in our society and in relation to others is shaped in and by the schooling system. To this, it would also be unfair to only look at school as the only one problem there is in our society, because schools were created by us human beings in the first place so there’s a human mind behind it all; albeit for all practical purposes, the idea of ‘education’ and the blind trust that parents confer to the schooling system makes of the schooling system set up the most easy way to actually justify integrating values, beliefs, behaviors, ways of thinking reality, ways of relating to others, ways of survival among one another where we are geared to continually having to prove ourselves to be ‘the best’ or ‘the worst’ in a system of standardized marks.

School is also the place where we come to first get in contact with people of different backgrounds, where our initial social clash begins which leads us to start inherently doing a process of preference over principle, which is how we come to build our very first friendships and relationships, where we as children do not  have a full awareness of us in fact being in a closed-system where one gets to be friends with people that could or could not afford some private/public school, and so already from there, we start classifying ourselves based on our socioeconomic background.

I have to say it is also unfortunately the place where parents place their most trust on within the systemically integrated belief that ‘whatever happens in school is just fine’ and that teachers and the government system behind it as education system ‘knows best’ – while parents mostly see this as some free time from their parental duty – or are deliberately also kept busier with long hours of work which is leading to unattended children growing up in front of TV’s, computers plugged into the myriad of boundless information on the internet and learning tricks about drugs and developing sexual deviances as a way to escape the inherent anguish of living in a world where parents must work 24/7 to get money to live, and where you as a child/youngster will invariably have to end up doing the same… I mean, who would not react to that expectative of one’s ‘future’ in this broken world? Yet we dismiss it and actually have come to blame schools, blame media, blame the government, blame parents and so as you can see blaming each other for the problems we have co-created in our society of which school is one great and pivotal pillar of.

 

robots

 

There’s a complete structural problem in our society and a large part of it has to do with how we haven’t questioned our sacred institutions like schools and the way they exist nowadays, which from my perspective are more like prisons or reformatory cells, they have always been the brewing ground for behavioral conditioning, human experimentation and indoctrination which goes unnoticed within the idea that there’s always an authority that somehow has a ‘greater understanding,’ because we place our trust on systems of validation, certification and quality-proof standards placed by some organization we’ve defined as government, which are a few individuals that have unfortunately proven to be easily bribed to rather arrange laws and regulations in a way where other individuals can be benefitted from it all – either for profit, for further population control or both. All of this apparatus of authority is currently quite skewed of course and it is rather alarming since school is the spot where kids are mandated to go to every single day – yet, even if kids do not go to a school per se, the same principles of it are still embedded in the way that we organize ourselves, in the way that we related with one another, in the way that we value ourselves, in the way that we choose what we want to do with our lives, in the way that we behave with our families and friends. The sheer idea of ‘education’ as it exists now is only a reinforce and catalyzer of essential mind and behavioral patterns that have existed within us as human beings since the beginning of our species, as they are all existent in the very core programming and functioning of our minds. So, what have we done then? We have only perfected the mechanism to make it a continuous mandatory process for kids to get to like/dislike certain things and make decisions based on, well, mostly fear of survival so that we can keep the same slave system mechanism running. But is it really the system that is the enslaving one? Or is it that we haven’t really realized where the real policeman ‘in the head’ resides in? Hint, the answer is already given in that question.

 

In Charles Eisenstein’s Deschooling Ourselves, a group of people walk through and expose all the behaviors, personalities, quirks and fears that they have become throughout their schooling years, wherein either one would stick to the rules and follow or dissent and rebel in whichever way possible, one would start valuing oneself according to the kind of work you deliver to the teacher, another would seek to prove the teacher wrong, another would seek be approved by them, another just wanted to break free and rebel against all rules… this also included some other more personal aspects like  because in school we also have mostly faced some of our most embarrassing or stressing moments.

I’ve shared before about crying over getting lost during math calculation exercise and not being able to keep track of it, getting so anxious that I burst into tears. From my experience, I’ve shared before about the usual pressure one would get when being ‘on the top’ and so having some classmates trying to ‘take me down/take ‘my place’ and directly letting me know how they would win over me and how they would see me fall and be glad for it, etc. All kinds of bullying also comes when being the one that sticks to all rules and does things ‘to the T,’ which to me for example later on became a way to simply dislike being used as an example for the class, which led me to then want to hide while  still wanting to keep my sense of public recognition. This influenced the way I shaped my main personalities: I started to desire being ‘cool’ for any other reason other than getting straight A’s …  and kind of a ‘rebel’ by liking non-popular things so that I could make it clear that I wasn’t ‘the teacher’s pet’ either for example.

All of these patterns are part of a lengthy self-investigative process that is contained in the pages of this blog as I’ve seen that most of the times when investigating any mind pattern, word or behavior, it invariably goes back to one of those ‘memories of schooling days’ and how some of the most ingrained fight or flight patterns, behaviors, attitudes, self-definitions like qualities and virtues, likes and dislikes as well as career choice a.k.a. who I wanted to be and become as a person, were shaped based on the same education system. To me it also involved a process of sharing a room with either 6 other kids in my first school and then moving onto being with over 35 in the following schools and universities, which is already quite a challenge when it comes to seeing how it is virtually impossible for teachers to be truly aware of students in large classes.

School becomes ‘the place’ where we are supposed to ‘find our ground in life’ and so, it’s quite obvious that we only become copies of the copies of stereotypes that we also acquire from the usual imprinting of professions we are supposed to go veering toward from an early age as part of the social-structure – however along with that, we got movies, TV shows imprinting a whole different set of values with which we believe we are in fact ‘making a free choice’ to do what we want, but we have never even questioned whether what ‘we want’ is in fact something we truly developed for ourselves or something we learned from school or saw on TV or internet.

In essence, we have never really been genuinely ‘ourselves’ as all we have become is copy of the copy of the coping and survival mechanisms we’ve shaped as personalities or professions, and that’s what I mostly have realized also when it comes to investigating myself and my ‘core personalities’ and how everything that I developed as ‘my personality’ was a collection of bits and pieces of popular counter-culture aspects along with a decision to antagonize the system no matter what, while remaining ‘safely’ in it at the same time since I would still like to be the obedient straight A person in school, lol, even if I tried to ‘rebel’ at the end… it just would not work as I couldn’t simply fathom myself being irresponsible at school which involved a sense of responsibility of ‘school being the one thing that I had to do as my main activity’ throughout the years.

What is behind that, for example? Fear of being punished, fear of being left behind, fear of losing my self-value and definition? Fear of losing my ‘throne’ as the first one in the class? Well, these points are definitely something that come to define ‘who one is’ based on a particular setting like school, where we actually acquire this way of thinking based on achievements, values, marks, behaviors and responsibilities that lie not within a common sensical practical outcome, but according to doing things the way they are asked to be done and according to a ranking system that is in no way based on the particular skills and abilities that are unique to each child, that is simply not part of our school system.

At the end of that Deschooling workshop by Eisenstein, the ultimate question remains: how to Deschool ourselves? And I simply realized that actually walking this process of self-investigation, of writing oneself to freedom, of developing self-honesty wherein we investigate our core patterns within ourselves is the best way to deschool ourselves, because in investigating our behaviors, our personalities, our fears, our manias, our weaknesses and strengths, our relationships, our friendships, our first traumas, our first embarrassments, our bullying experiences, our relationship to authority, our ability to learn, our qualities and deficiencies, comparison and judgment toward others, our discriminatory or empathic behaviors, our friendships, our enemies… all of these aspects that one actually gets to first live in school – most of the times – are part of what one can write out for oneself, investigating each pattern within the awareness of writing the experience out to identify how is it that one has limited oneself in such pattern.

So for example, if I had continued to only value myself according to what marks I would get in school, and feel ‘bad’ for getting a lower mark, then I would have continued to seek to get some ‘straight A’s’ or the equivalent way to get such ‘superiority validation’ somewhere else in my world, just because of not wanting to get to the opposite side of that and so lose my self-validation/recognition. So I had to work with understanding ‘who am I as recognition’ and the desire thereof, where am I not valuing myself, how have I accepted and allowed myself to only value myself according to achievements at school? Or how have I believed myself to only be a brain that thinks well? Where am I not actually seeing myself beyond this limited valuing perspective and really seeing through a broader potential that I had probably and most likely would not have developed if I had continued to only stick to my personality and personal desires.

So, deschooling ourselves involves a practical and continuous application of walking a process to self-forgive and let go of all the plethora of perceived flaws, definitions, beliefs, limitations, fears and rather work with developing real self-value, real self-acceptance and skills to develop ourselves to our utmost potential. In this, for example, I had to stop the desire to be recognized by others, while at the same time also walking the opposite polarity – because, as one walks one pattern you also get to understand how the mind works in polarities. And so I realized that along with my desire to be recognized, I also got to fear being recognized and so actually sought to ‘hide’ or become a rather ‘low-key’ individual while still holding on this ‘recognition’ point in place, so essentially I would create my own inner conflict which I even externalized in the way that I would dress in a rather extravagant manner while  at the same time using my body’s posture to indicate that I didn’t want to be seen, so I would hunch while walking because I believed that standing straight was ‘showing off’ and only able to be done by good looking girls for example, lol, yes all of this is a fine example of how we pollute our minds in fact.

So, this is just a tip of the iceberg example that one is actually able to investigate for oneself when looking at all the patterns we’ve become in our lives, not only from school but acquired from parents, from people we watch on TV, from the books we read, from the people we admire, from our friends and people around us, etc. As I’ve mentioned, we’ve become the copies of the copies and so the schooling system, the social system has become nothing but a reflection of these categories and identities existent and developed in our minds wherein we get lost in comparison, judgment and the idea of value in relation to ‘who we are’ within the system, all of which actually enables us to coexist within our current dog-eat-dog mentality, where all that matters is achieving personal glory regardless of who or what is abused and affected by it, or ‘collaterally damaged.’

 

I am a product of this society and I’ve had to walk this rather astounding process of deschooling myself,  of deprogramming myself in my mind while at the same time walking a process of self-creation, which is a continued process of self-investigation of every single moment, every single day wherein one continues to assert oneself as the new integration of common sense, of living principles, of a sense of commonality, of a consideration of what’s best for all, of not following an experience as to ‘how I feel’ or how I believe ‘I should feel/be like/act like/talk like’ to dictate who I am in the moment,  wherein it is a continuous process of letting go of any constrains and limitations that I have previously identified through writing, and have released through the process of self-forgiving behaviors, emotions, feelings, thinking patterns, ideas about myself so that I could then practically and actively work on stopping myself from running-through the same old programmed ‘me.’

Now I place my focus on attention on this self-creation process which is truly a first-timer for us all to be able to walk and do, because it is now that we are for the first time becoming more and more aware of things that were deeply rooted in the unconscious before. Now we are able to slowly but surely as humanity able to spot these patterns and behaviors with greater ease, and I have to say that this then a great opportunity and it does rejoice me to see more and more people starting to question themselves, and the overall world-system, which indicates there’s in fact a great opportunity existent here to change the direction of our lives if more and more people start waking up and smelling reality for what it is so that we can work together to correct and align it.

I must also say that when I speak of this process, it isn’t something I do ‘by myself’ nope, it would have been mostly more difficult I’d say – I walk with a group of people networked through the internet – around the globe – with whom we’ve shared our lives,  our writings for over 7 years now, keeping in constant processes of developing and strengthening our communication and feedback processes to ensure that we don’t get lost in this re-educational process we’re walking, which has to do little to nothing to any regular ‘schooling system,’ but we are all more than certain that more individuals must recognize the vital importance of implementing this self-investigation process as part of our schooling system, learning how to work with our minds as our thoughts, feelings, emotions, to learn how to effectively write them out and communicate about them while integrating a sense of self-support through developing common sense: the consideration of what is best for all. 

It is about time we realize that it makes complete sense to actually focus on empowering each other to learn how to best coexist as human beings rather than focusing on being liked by the teacher, or beating our classmates, or planning ways to get into a group of friends to ‘fit in,’ or planning our greatest success where we disregard another’s life of lack of opportunities and suffering that is and has become our collateral damage in this zero sum reality.

It is thus in our greatest and most common interest that we could all walk this self-education process of self-honesty which is a process of self-creation according to living principles to get to develop ourselves to our fullest potential, and so make it part of our educational programs in whichever way they take shape in the (near) future once that we more and more realize how detrimental and even harmful our current standardized type of educational systems are which actually stems from the skewed and misconstrued value systems in our minds.  

So, the best way to deschool ourselves, which is the same as saying the best way to change ourselves is definitely walking the Desteni I Process. There’s no greater set of tools in this world, nor greater group of people that commit themselves to support one another throughout this Journey to Life, to live in dignity and equality. And I can only encourage everyone to try it out for yourself, because if I had aimed at simply wanting to ‘change’ but not really investigating my mind and living patterns to the utmost degree, to really learn how to sweep behind the rug of my memories, my past, my experiences, to understand who am I within my mind and how to practically apply and establish solutions in my day to day living, I would have been equally lost in a constant yearning ‘for change’ but not really knowing how or where to start.

This isn’t an easy thing to do either, it’s probably the greatest commitment we’ll ever make in our lives, which is our commitment to actually learn how to live in the benefit of ourselves and all life considered. However, it will for sure be the most rewarding and long lasting for future generations as well.  

 

Recommend to Read:

Teacher’s Journey To Life

 

Remove the cords - self change -deschooling - desteni

Artwork by Damián Ledesma 

 

 

Recommended to watch:

Hear the Podcasts:

 

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.


416. Relationships: Not about the Taste, but the Nutrients

 

There are times when the most obvious still manages to become part of my moment to moment living, and this has been mostly ghosts of the past meaning people, places, past relationships with specific individuals that I also developed highly obsessed type of relationships too. And so what I heard in an interview on Paranoia is about this “positive” type of paranoia wherein I realize that I had missed one single key point: the moment that we allow one memory to occupy our minds and we reactivate the experience of that particular memory in the past, we allow ourselves to re-activate that whole ‘me’ of the past in that single fleeting moment where one gives-up/ gives into any form of energy based on memory. Lol, really it is as if we decide to possess or poison ourselves for a moment just to give ourselves our energy-shot while imagining/seeing pictures in our mind, where we use illusions to kick off an experience within ourselves that we have defined as “pleasant” – either nostalgia, yearning, excitement, excitation, curiosity or merely believing that I miss the person or situation.

 

But then again of course when realizing this – after listening to this interview – it became very obvious how even almost like at a quantum level, even before translating this interview I was having an itching desire to just leave that one for later and go out for the walk. But, I didn’t, I made sure I got it all recorded before leaving and I was glad I did as I was then able to then use my time through my walk on my way back to apply Self-Forgiveness out loud for all the bits and pieces of memories and seemingly ‘insignificant’ moments where I would allow myself to trigger the thought of a ‘ghost of the past’ – meaning a particular memory of a person, situation, event – and then engage within it in a pondering manner, which is mostly what I’ve seen and realized means I hadn’t entirely decided to give ‘good riddance’ to it, to fully and actually let-go.

 

And in this, what came up was the realization that I cannot really ‘miss’ anything or anyone as I am already here, one can only ‘miss’ something as an experience in our minds, as the bond created toward that something or someone.  So, missing implies only ‘craving’ the relationship formed at an energetic level toward another which means: a relationship formed through the mind, which are the only kind of relationships that can be missed, spoiled or desired as they had a starting point of energy and ended up being busted as energy – never real.

 

Within this, I see that the people with whom I have formed relationships based on co-operation, co-working, working through misunderstandings and genuine decision to support each other are rather the strongest and most constructive type of relationships that I would genuinely suggest all of us as humans to develop and invest our time and effort on, it is the kind of relationship that is not dependent on ‘preference’ toward another or a fleeting experience of desire or attraction or based on being ‘similar,’ but rather in the equal recognition of each other as human beings with our weaknesses to strengthen and our strengths to share and learn from each other.

 

I saw that I had associated the word relationship in a rather limited manner wherein I could mostly only see a partnership type of relationship and within that of course, believing that because ‘my point in process are relationships, then I am not doing that well’ and so even creating an experience of ‘leaving that point for later,’ instead of realizing that I would not be able to be doing what I’m doing if I wasn’t able to actually establish relationships with other individuals.

 

So yet again, seeing to what extent I/we have been brainwashed when it comes to words and our narrow view of these relationships wherein even only defining relationships to ‘people’ is still a limited perception, as life is a conglomerate of relationships, and so relationships are the key to being able to function as one organism and be able to live in harmony. For that, each one of us as a thread in the tapestry of our reality has to stand in principle and absolutely clear when it comes to being able to work with one another – what does being clear and standing in principle mean? It implies that there can’t be no past memories haunting one another based on past mistakes, judgments, preferences or merely suggesting ‘incompatibility of characters’ that trigger emotions of contempt and disdain to one another or ‘nice’ and ‘positive’ feelings to one another. In this, any energetic experiences toward another, no matter how subtle, no matter how positive or negative are always coming from the mind, and as such they become like a poison that prevents real supportive and constructive relationships from developing.

 

Why do I bring up the word poison? Because in my own experience, I’ve seen relationships come and go based on the energetic starting point I started and developed them with, wherein even my sole intent and desire to create a bond with a particular person backfired to the point where none of those relationships is standing at the moment, and it’s for the best. It is a tough lesson you see, more so when we have created a culture where all that you learn from TV and movies is to ‘fall in love’ and seek for that ‘spark of love’ or attraction with another, or that nice warm empathy felt to someone that becomes your friend or else – it’s all about ‘feelings’ as fuzzy warm energy sparks that we create in our body, believing that ‘this is normal’ and ‘this is what love is’ or what ‘relationships should FEEL like’ – when in fact Relationships is anything but a Feeling or a fleeting experience in our minds. They are actual processes of walking with another/others throughout a considerable amount of time to get to a particular outcome – to either develop an intimate relationship as partnership or to develop common tasks and projects to take on.

 

Why is there no-energy type of relationships? Because all that we’ve ever known and learned about relationships is to place the FEELING before anything else, and this is rather consequential and on the long run, only smoke that eventually fades out and what is left is mostly the result of our failed relationships: broken marriages/divorces, inability to communicate and eventually war too is a failed ability to cooperate with each other as equals, but instead keeping a particular experience toward the perceived ‘enemy’ that is always self-created: we decide who we hate and who we love, instead of always placing our equality as living beings above all other forms of segregation, which is mind created.  

 

I also spoke self forgiveness for having actually used and abused myself when it comes to using a memory, a ‘ghost’ essentially to trigger an unnatural experience in my ‘physical-moment’ of being just here and suddenly going into this shift as an alternate reality of a sudden yearning, a curiosity, a ‘cherishing the past’ attitude that I took as normal without realizing that in going to the past in those seemingly ‘fleeting moments,’ I have kept reactivating the whole ‘me’ of the past, as the one personality with all its various memories and networks within me linked toward that particular person/situation/event whenever I would allow this ‘ghost’ to emerge within me.

 

I realized that the reason why I wasn’t letting go is because it is those first relationships that you establish that have the most energy, the ones that we get the most obsessed about or give the most attention to, which is why we go endlessly seeking over and over again that ‘first high’ – this is what I suspect heroin addicts seek forevermore after their first shot and they cannot get it ever again,  because it is unlikely that the body can experience such dramatic change of state again. And so addicts try and increase the dose, but it won’t ever be ‘the same.’ It’s the perfect trap when it comes to enslaving ourselves to memories attached with such ‘high experience’ you see: we keep chasing energy, we keep chasing ghosts in our own minds that no one can see but still we allow those ghosts to come up and absolutely define ‘who we are’ in one moment.

So this is a point of awareness to truly be here as breath and not allow the same memory/matrix point to lock-me down into the same thinking patterns, which at times it’s as if they were ‘there’ in the air in a particular place and one would go ‘picking it up’ as one walks through such path – just as one walks the street for example.

 

To Forgive and Let go

 

All that is Here is myself, it’s who we are, and I could only ‘react’ to it if I had formed a special bond/relationship to it through energy. Energy – for all practical purposes – is a mental experience, it implies separation and as such it makes perfect sense to remind me about this aspect of the points of separation that I create through holding on to the specialness in those ghosts from the past, a perceived importance, added care and interest to a part of me that I developed a particular relationship to.

Here another reminder is that no matter how ‘subtle’ this is, whenever I perceive this ‘ghost of the past’ as something that ‘defined me’ and as such is special because ‘it changed my life’ etc. it indicates a speculative relationship toward that something/someone: it’s energy, it’s my mind, it’s memories, it’s invisible, it’s a ghost and I have to stop haunting myself with them.

How I’ve seen these emerge is as if in my mind there were  like these various hooks that containing some of the most ‘attached’ type of experiences and relationships formed in my past, so it is like a broken record seeking to be flipped for another play. It is also quite laughable to what extent we have given up our ability to remain focused here on reality because of having followed these ‘ghosts’ in our minds, giving up our attention to us being here, breathing and suddenly whoop! Going up there in the mind, following these flimsy little things that we already know where it lead us and that tend to constantly emerge in the moments where the actual opportunity to be fully here, physically exist. They come up, ‘innocently’ and the moment we get into the web we get caught – so it’s up to us to decide how far down the rabbit hole we go or if we can absolutely prevent even getting ‘curious’ to fall for the same hole that we already know leads us nowhere in fact.

 

If anything, it is great to observe these memories, to really look at the experience triggered and sometimes it is as if ‘revealing the name of the game’ as the name of the energy would already break part of the spell, because it is in our inability to discern the ‘hold’ that such memory has upon us that breaks the ‘spell’ so to speak.

So instead of going into an experience of being unable to identify the experience we’ve linked to the memory (of a person, of an event) and perceiving that one ‘can’t name it’ but we ‘like it’ so ‘we keep going and go for it’ – it is to realize that I/we have to stop playing naïve when it comes to what we dive into and/or indulge into in our minds. And yes, it’s mostly always about memories, memories, memories – the ‘reminders’ of who we are supposed to be, act like, fear, like, dislike, desire, etc. There is always a way to find out the energy in a memory as in defining what makes us feel good or terribly bad as the most extreme points of fear and desire, like or dislike, these relationships of separation through energy as positive or negative experiences that we create in order to define us, to continue limiting us – but never realizing that by de-fining/delimiting and identifying us with a ‘few aspects’ we’re already building up our personality cage from which we then seek to interact with ‘similar cages’ and avoid ‘different cages.’

This is how we come to create a caged world divided by words, experiences, misunderstandings, offenses and past broken relationships. It’s even funny how we’ve learned to ‘get over’ with some past love or relationship with an individual by then going to the opposite type of relationships such as going from ‘love’ to ‘hate’ and so proceeding to ditch them, taking them in our minds to the opposite side. In this we recreate the exact same relationship to them, it remains in place because all we did was changing the ‘charge’ or the definition ‘tag’ of the relationship build up – in this case moving it from love to hate, but our personalized relationship to that one person/event/thing is still the same: based on energetic experiences that only we can define because: they only exist in our mind.

I still very much ponder how come we haven’t declared mental insanity around the globe so that we can create a genuine ‘state of emergency’– along with our regular duties and responsibilities – make it mandatory for our common wellbeing to work on our mental stability, health and support ourselves to go through it, as that is the key to genuine peace and solidarity on Earth, to learn to ‘love our neighbor as ourselves.’

So the conclusion is that I cannot keep going fueling these mosquitos from the past, these buzzing little things that can become our sole point of attention if we get to be obsessed with ‘finding more’ into them, instead of seeing them for what they are: ghosts, reminiscences of what once was and it has in fact nothing to do with who the person or situation really is or was in fact, as all that we remember is OUR EXPERIENCE about the situation/person, and that’s always self-created, that’s our own ghost-factory creation, and in this we only continue dividing and conquering each other by illusions.

 

So, hereby I commit myself to stop fueling any tiny thought or memory that leads to an experience about the person/event/ghost of the past and realize and so in those moments realize I can instead fully breathe and realize, I am here and I continue walking and enjoying the moment for what it is.

I realize that we only want to ‘make more’ of our moments as an experience in our minds, and it is the simplicity of breathing here what we perceive ‘lacks’ something, like insipid food that lacks salt and the salt being the energy. We don’t need those ‘extra flavors’ as the flavor comes and goes, it’s only perceived for a few moments on our taste buds and then what really matters is the actual nutrients that we are ingesting and how it will support proper development of our physical bodies – that’s the real type of nutrition then we also have to seek in personal relationships too: not going for ‘taste,’ but rather working on the actual nutrients that we all have and can develop further in each other as we work and live together.

 

My declaration of Living Principles:

22.    The realization that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all

 

breathing being

Suggested Supportive Interview:

When Words are the Looking Glass to Ourselves – Reptilians – Part 203

 

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.


409. The Uncomfortable Truth

 

Estamos atados a nuestra mente 07

 

 

One of the reasons why this process cannot be done by ‘one individual alone’ is because we are very prone to creating our comfortable bubble where we believe that ‘nothing is happening, I don’t react, everything’s done, my mind is quiet’ and how else would it be if I remained in my own little world and my own little bubble!’ So that is certainly not walking process. Facing yourself as this world is not only facing ourselves in our own minds or as ‘the world system’ but facing each other as the mind we are and have become.

 

So, here I open up my recent reactions to the exposure of my own truth which is the state of the mind that we all have and how whenever someone dares to ‘show it all’ then I react ‘OH man! how dare that person do that!’ or ‘How can that exist within a person’s mind? which is all backchat that is in fact immediately dodging MY own responsibility to myself, my mind, my judgments instead of immediately reacting to ‘assess’ another’s mind/words/actions/behavior within me as the character of ‘politeness’ or keeping things in order and control, no different actually to how politics operate and I will open up this point of politeness and how it is in fact of course a façade and self-deception that as anything, can be walked through and rather turned into an expression of consideration, instead of a blanket used to cover up that which I ‘don’t want to see/face’ as myself which is essentially just postponing facing the inevitable which is the truth of who we are and have become as our minds, and so to not judge ourselves as the mind, but rather learn how to support ourselves, how to understand ourselves as the mind, how to self-forgive and so walk/live the corrections which is the real direction for self-change required here.

 

The most important thing within this is to realize that taking one’s mind or another’s mind personally is a reaction, it is of the mind and it is only perpetuating the same problem we have co-created because it is like realizing that one participating in one’s mind is like giving fuel to a fire. So, basic point here is also to realize that we’re all in a process and even if one is aware of the tools and ‘knows’ about the principle of self-responsibility, it doesn’t imply that ‘that person is going to take self responsibility’ or ‘is not reacting at all now.’ We are all walking through it and what’s more important: if I react to another and turn it as a point of having my expectations ‘unfulfilled’ it means that there’s a point of expectation that I haven’t really sorted out and a point of reaction toward words/actions that exist in one’s mind behind such ‘disappointment,’ and that because this mind exists within me and everyone, then it is my responsibility to actually take responsibility for it – No more and no less, no matter ‘who’ I believe is triggering an experience within me, I have to be able to stand absolute regardless of what is being said/done either personally or indirectly.

 

I realize that my responsibility does not extend only to ‘myself’ but others as well,  and that’s where I tend to simply think that well, I can ignore the person/situation and not make a fuzz about it – but if the person is already walking a process  and they are already working on themselves to stop the mind, then it is absolutely my responsibility to support another within my possibility and ability to do so,  as that is exactly what I would like and want another to do with myself as well, which is actually what I have lived through these past years of being supported as part of a group walking this process of unveiling the ‘uncomfortable truths’ of ourselves as the mind, that which we have kept secret and ‘veiled’ throughout time.

So here is a self-reminder how everything works in reverse in the mind: we have to be cautious when things seem ‘too stable’ or ‘not much happening’ and instead whenever conflict emerges to be grateful for it as it is unveiling an aspect of myself, of ourselves that we haven’t faced as is the case here.  

 

 

The Human Being, being Sensitive to Discord, Disharmony, Disease – are very easily Motivated to Seek Out the Harmony within themselves as the Equilibrium of Multiple Systems, Interacting within Relationship of a Closed System, as a Balanced Perfection for the Sole Purpose of Keeping the being Engaged at All Times; to Seek the Equilibrium and to Keep the Equilibrium going, and where Mastery will be to become a Master of Love, and Stay within the Geometrical Equilibrium.[…]

This Principle has been Very Cleverly used to Keep the Physical Reality in a Form of Stable Control. With None of the Beings in Multiple Forms Realising How their Existence has been Systemized to be Followers of Reaction and Instinct. Followers of Pre-Planned Preprogrammed Designs, with Rewards along the Way when Equilibrium Spots are Hit within the Map of the Book of Life.” Bernard Poolman

 

 

 

This is the realization that everything that I judge in another exists within me.

 

Character extraction

 

Continuing from:

 

Self Responsibility and taking it All back to self at the individual level.

Based on the usual judgments I have created upon people that I perceive have something ‘wrong’ in them to, for example, be what I have defined as deliberately ‘evil’ or deliberately ‘deceptive’ or deliberately ‘conflictive’ and perceiving myself that ‘I could not stand such individual’ is demonstrating to me one thing only: where and how I have not yet considered such individual as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from another within the consideration that if the person is too mind possessed, too conflictive, then I don’t want to have anything to do with the person, which is essentially playing what I had criticized in our society wherein those that were mentally challenging to society and deemed as ‘crazy’ or ‘too out of the loop’ so to speak, were exiled and sent out of the main centers of society, as they actually posed a threat to the order, the ‘system’ in itself which I also conceived as a reason to simply not have to ‘deal with’/walk with and actually learn how to assist and support ourselves as individuals that can be mentally challenging when it comes to how we operate in our minds.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become my own denial as in wanting to not face or excuse myself from having to confront/face a part of me as another individual that exists in fact in each one of us that have a mind, wherein when seeing patterns in another that I believe myself ‘incapable’ of doing or not being able to ‘fathom’ them, I go into a helplessness situation toward that point/person/mind that I am in fact then still reacting to within the belief that ‘ I cannot conceive how that can exist in another/ why they say/do things in such ways’ without realizing that who we all are and have become in our minds is essentially the description of being mind controlled, being schizophrenic as in being separated from each other, from our physical body and have become nothing else but ‘agents’ to consciousness, to the mind which we here understand that it has never existed within the principle and consideration of what is best for all because the starting point and origin of our mind was never meant to support our self-realization of being in fact equals and one in this reality and so

When and as I see myself creating a denial/existing in denial based on how I react to another’s mind based on backchat, beliefs, perceptions, assumptions and expectations of ‘how another should act/be by now’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that here I am going into the assumption that people have had to ‘change’ already according to time and process application, without realizing that me reacting to another’s mind possession or patterns is in fact indicating my own patterns, my own reactions that I still have to deal with/walk through which is the whole point here. I realize that it is not about ‘the other person’ as it is all about myself, my own reactions to words/patterns/behaviors that exist within each one of us as mind consciousness systems that even if we know ‘how to support ourselves’ with self-supportive tools, I am here being the proof that going into denial, helplessness, disbelief, disappointment about others is really only about myself that am still reacting to people’s minds, processes and experiences.

 

I commit myself to when facing a person that is in a particular mindset that I have defined as ‘tough’ or ‘challenging’ that I then place myself in the position of understanding which is a practical humbleness that I have to practice wherein instead of looking for someone else to ‘take the ball’ I rather read/hear the person’s words and see how can I best assist and support myself to understand the person and so be able to in turn support another within  placing myself in another’s shoes so to speak – which practically means living humbleness without expectations of ‘what the person should already know by now’ as we have proven ourselves as human beings that ‘lessons learned’ have come and gone and we have repeated the exact same mistakes, which shows then to what extent I have to remind myself that it isn’t as ‘easy’ to change or to expect change from others instead of first working with myself to ensure that I am in fact that point of change and the becomes the living example of how it is possible to walk with and support another as myself, regardless of ‘who’ that another is, ‘what’ they say or how they present themselves as I then recognize and realize at all times that ‘that another person is myself too.’ And this is the essential aspect of facing our equality: nothing of what exists in another is really ‘separate’ from myself, and so

I commit myself to live by the principle of really stopping any expectation upon another, any idea of ‘how another should be/act like/live by now’ within ideas, beliefs or perceptions of who I believe another to be – and instead focus on myself, on actually ensuring that I am not immediately diverting my attention to ‘another’ but to first and foremost focus on myself as it would be kind of pointless to try and ‘support another’ if I am reacting even in the most subtle ways.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to see my reaction as ‘disappointment’ but I realize that this would be like wearing a ‘good doer’ suit wherein it is  perceived as  more ‘benevolent’ to believe I experience disappointment upon myself and others upon who I created expectations about ‘who they are’ but  instead I recognize the ‘disappointment’ as the façade to create a form of victimization, because it’s seen with a ‘better light’ at the eyes of others, but in fact it was just an experience of giving  up, not knowing what to do/how to solve situations and problems wherein I then go into the experience of ‘I do not know what to do/what else to say’ and in doing so, rendering the situation, the person simply ‘gone’ and ‘obsolete’ – which is no different, once again to how we treat mentally ill people in our society, wherein because don’t take the time to walk with them, we simply locked them out, treat them as schizophrenics, paranoids with dissociative personalities and never have in fact taken the time to investigate what they represent as a part of ourselves, as the mind and so to not judge the person as the actual physical living flesh they are, but to simply learn to observe, to recognize the mind for what it is, and so be able to develop ways to assist and support oneself and others to best be able to walk through our mind and to always stick to principle instead of allowing personal vendettas or personal experiences and points taken personal from deviating ourselves from this process wherein for the first time we are doing what has never been done and what we as human beings don’t like doing which is: seeing ourselves as the mind, introspecting, self-investigating, which this includes not only ‘myself’ but also learning how to walk with others, their minds and configurations, to understand how and why they ‘came to be’ who they are as the mind and so never miss the point of realizing that no matter ‘how bad’ or how ‘evil’ I may perceive another, I am only judging another’s mind with my own mind which means that this is a point that obviously exists within me and here to self-forgive.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having harbored throughout many years the idea that because we are in this process, we simply do not ‘intend’ any ‘evil’ against one another, and so in this creating the assumption that because we understand principles, then it’s done, there’s no more frictions or conflicts, backchats beliefs toward one another, but this is simply not so. I’ve realized how much work it actually takes to really integrate this point of self-change and my point here to take self responsibility for is the experience of just projecting my own giving up to another as in ‘not knowing what else to do’ and seeing another as a ‘lost case’ instead of actually realizing that this mind /this person/this situation is actually a gift wherein I am demonstrating and mirroring back to myself where it is that I still have to work with within myself, within my mind, within my expectations and stopping them, within the memories that get activated within me whenever I have been throughout my life subject to any form of another’s mind projection as I see and realize that in the past I accepted and allowed this to affect ‘me’ because I then had no context or understanding of who we are as the mind and therefore

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create the thought pattern of ‘humanity is evil’ when I was in elementary school and I was subject to bullying for being the ‘star of the class’ and have kids stop talking to me or telling me how they were going to ‘defeat me’ and ‘bring me down’ and ‘win over me’ wherein I created an extensive amount of stress, apprehension and general I could say depression at age 7-8 wherein I could not fathom why these kids that were supposed to be my friends, my classmates were ‘getting at me.’ In this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of ‘I rather just not be ‘as good as I’ve been’ so that ‘they’ can have the spot they want and ‘I’ stop being the problem for them’ – without realizing that in this I would have given up on myself and making their words a ‘reality’ as a point for me to make decisions based on what others think/believe/say about myself or toward ‘me.’ So I realized by support of my mother that that was not the way and that I simply didn’t have to ‘listen to others’ but still, this ‘spine’ that emerged from these situations and later on becoming more aware of how we operate toward another as human beings in this world, made me feel powerless toward ‘the evil’ in this world and the actual nastiness and secrecy and deliberate hate that exists between human beings, which is how I then created the experience of being ‘too sensitive’ to these things which is why I then became a ‘hard ass’ so to speak so as to be able to cope better with all of these experiences that I went through while growing up and ‘taking the heat’ of things, while seeing myself in a constant ‘battle’ so to speak, which is why I also developed this mentality of having to be on a ‘defense mode’ most of the times toward those that I perceive are ‘out to get me.’

I realize that this is the modus vivendi that we all have, and that I’m no different to any other individual and I bet we have all created and built up our ‘walls’ of defense so that no one can really ‘get us’ or get to see the actual vulnerability that we all have as human beings, because this is understood as an opportunity to abuse a form of trust, of intimacy and understanding – so I see that because I’ve done this myself, I’ve been there myself, I can then understand why in the mind we tend to automate defense-mode and ‘attack-modes’ toward one another in the belief that ‘we have to defend ourselves.’

The  only thing that requires to be ‘defended’ is who we are as ego, because Life is simply recognized and supported.  

 

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have re-enacted, re-experienced within myself the same experiences of shock, sadness, disbelief and mostly  helplessness toward others such as the memory when I saw my ‘friends’ in school talking to each other’s ears during lunchtime and looking at myself and when I tried to join them, they simply ignored me, which is when I decided that I would have to learn how to be alone – and in this, allowing this secrecy and these backchats and ‘conspiracies’ about me to get everyone in the group to ‘dislike me’ to define ‘who I would be’ toward everyone else which is how I then started developing a constant state of distrust, having very few people as ‘friends’ and generally toward human beings creating this general idea that ‘everyone is evil’ so I could not like or trust people easily, which in a way it was cool as I was seeing the nature of who we are as the mind – but the problem is that I took it personally and I believed that ‘the world was out to ‘get me down’’ and that people wanted ‘my position’ in school/in my life or that ‘wanted’ my life, which lead me to essentially have virtually no friends, specially no ‘female’ friends as I considered that it was easier to ‘get at me’ or get to ‘steal’ the people I liked or my friends – lol which my fear became somewhat true at some point – but I see that this is all just what I have created in my mind, as my memories that I’ve loaded based on that initial disbelief, sadness, helplessness toward others’ words and having taken them personally, and so as a ‘result’ simply managing to become a ‘tougher’ person which was nothing else but the expression I had to ‘pull out’ in order to defend myself and have ‘no one to fuck with me’ which of course is not the solution, as this ‘stance’ of self-defense or being in constant ‘vigilant’ mode also leads us to perpetuate the state of wars within and wars without.

 

So in this I realize that If I am in fact here to embody stability and harmony as myself and toward others, I have to first ensure that I am not conditioning my behavior based on ‘how others act’ and so ‘act as a response To Them’ as this would be then Re-acting, responding, replying, reminding myself ‘who I should be’ toward another based on memories, emotions, beliefs, expectations, assumptions  – all of which is of the mind and all of which I cannot trust when being here with another, reading/hearing/sharing words with another and so in this

I commit myself to ensure that whenever I read something that is directed towards ‘me’ and I perceive it as a form of attack or slander, I stop and I breathe. And I ensure that I am stable and that I am not rehashing my past memories and experiences of ‘not knowing how to deal with this attack’ as in primary school – but instead immediately ground myself within the realization that these words are coming from another mind as part of the mind that I am also existing as, and as such, reacting in any way with fears, judgments, emotions and beliefs is nothing else but perpetuating the problem = not taking self-responsibility for myself, therefore I direct myself then to take into consideration how can I best support that individual and do so the same way I would like it to be done to myself, and actually seeing or ‘reminding’ myself that that person is a part of me that I am here to support as I have vowed to do so for myself in this process.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the façade that ‘everything should be fine’ because ‘there is no conflict’ and as such maintain this belief or experience of ‘everything is cool’ or ‘workable’ and whenever  a point of conflict emerges in my world and reality,  then I go into a form of ‘blame’ toward the person/point that emerged as ‘conflict’ for ‘disrupting the workable/agreeable situation’ which is in fact only pointing to myself where it is that I want to maintain a form of control over how I believe the situation should be, and how even if I have tried to ‘embrace conflict’ there was an expectation of such conflict being ‘solved’ already and so when the point repeats/reactivates I go into a helplessness state as in the belief of ‘this point/person/mind should have gotten it by now’ and so in this actually using  this backchat as an excuse to not FIRST of all look at why have I created such expectations upon ‘others’ instead of first pin pointing the reaction, the experience that leads me to create such backchat in the first place? Why have I accepted and allowed myself to dismiss this subtle reaction within ME and immediately shift it toward ‘another’ which implies a form of righteousness as well: I am right and the other is the one causing the conflict, which is in fact dodging /abdicating my own responsibility first and foremost. 

 

When and as I see myself having the backchat/assumption of ‘This person should have gotten it by now’ I stop and I breathe as I realize that in this I am immediately dodging my own reaction, my own expectations, my own beliefs upon that person/situation and the belief of ‘point being corrected/point is aligned/point will no longer repeat the pattern’ as I realize that in the mind everything that we have become throughout time is nothing else but a broken record where we repeat our same experiences from our very early memories in our lifetime, which I have seen and exposed for myself as well. Therefore I then commit myself to understand the person/situation, rather see what point is emerging now, what point is repeating, why and how can I best assist and support myself first to practice blaming or seeing ‘others’ as the problem, as I realize that obviously no matter how ‘subtle’ these reactions emerge within me, such words when directed as an expectation ‘toward another’ is indicating me that I first have to look within myself and see where I haven’t yet changed/aligned and corrected the point of reaction within myself, which is the whole point here of absolute self-responsibility and taking it all back to self.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the denial of my own secret mind when judging secrecy based on others’ words/actions, without realizing that in this I am once again dodging the realization that everything that goes on in my mind is still somewhat ‘secret’ as in there being no other being but myself in my mind and so by judging/denying/pointing fingers at ‘secrecy’ I am in essence missing out the point that has actually enabled us all to become ‘fearful’ to things like mass surveillance and so forth, which is how we want to ‘keep things secret’ as in hidden agendas where one can still allow backchat and imaginations/fantasies for ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about others which is a form of abuse as I realize that I would certainly not want myself to be subject to or an object of someone else’s mind – so for this, it is to first of all understand that ‘who we are as the mind’ has been the epitome of secrecy, the secret mind as that aspect of ourselves that we have veiled from everyone else, wherein we usually paint a good picture of us while hiding the ‘actual truth’ of ourselves. And so the title of this is ‘the uncomfortable truth’ which is where we believe that we are ‘right’ in our minds, that we are the ones doing the proper assessments, without realizing that when we are in any way judging/blaming/dismissing or denying another as oneself, one is definitely becoming the source and origin of the problem itself, as in the mind nothing can be trusted, in the mind as an immediate and almost ‘quantum’ experience that comes into our physical bodies and permeates our ‘reasoning’ from which we create an immediate response/reaction toward another, is not to be trusted, it is to be actually Stopped, breathed through in order to then assess what is it that’s coming up within me, why am I having this experience in my physical body, and so not attempt to ‘reply’ or ‘react’ to another as a way to ‘prove wrong’ or ‘prove right’ but instead focus on how I can respond in a way wherein I am taking self-responsibility which means that

 

I commit myself to respond to another based on the consideration of themselves as myself, and so first ensuring that I am fully stable, not participating in any experience – and if I was, then I Refrain/stop myself from reacting in the moment – so that I can take the time to assess how it is best to assist and support another, instead of wanting to ‘teach a lesson’ or ‘remind’ another of something that I believe ‘should have been ‘gotten’ by now’ – which is another form of righteousness or superiority when it comes to ‘proving another wrong’ or proving that ‘the point has not changed’ as an excuse to ‘dismiss’ another, which would be like wanting to cut my own arm just because it doesn’t have the strength that I expected it to have, even if I haven’t actually done the necessary work/training to develop such muscle and ensure that I have done all that is required to, for example, have my arm have a particular strength to a particular task or ability in my physical body.

 

I realize that everything that we’ve done throughout our lives in this reality is to dismiss, deny, negate, discriminate, exile, marginalize everything and everyone that doesn’t comply or doesn’t ‘fall’ into the creation of a normalcy which can be of course quite deceptive if not all cards are on the table, which means if oneself hasn’t actually taken absolute responsibility for what one is doing/experiencing/believing and perceiving about others and or the reasons why I would want to not want to see/not want to face/exile or marginalize another within the belief that ‘there is no cure, there is no solution’ which all that comes to mind when writing these words is the image of doctors in mental institutions that keep patients sedated and fully controlled just because we’ve given up on understanding how they got to such mental condition – or with ‘criminals’ that are sentenced to death which is our easy way out in society to deal with our own consequences, to not have to ‘face the dangerous person’ but, really being foolish to not investigate HOW and WHY we have created such mental problems, such so-called ‘criminals’ and why even our definitions of mental illnesses and criminals have been so diminished in our ‘mind framework’ dismissing all of us really that still exist in our minds and that still participate in a world-system where we commit crimes against life as a collective by allowing the starvation and the marginalization of those that we have rendered ‘helpless’ and ‘poor’ and ‘eccentric’ and ‘mentally ill’ and so forth, which are all tags that we create to justify our inability to work with them/walk with them in order to get to point of stability – which, of course, won’t be an easy thing to do, but it is what I would like others to do toward myself if I was in such position/role of being the marginalized, the ‘ousted’ one or the rejected one, as I’ve certainly to some degree have faced such point myself so, I realize that that is what I want for myself and so I have to give it to others that are willing of course to support themselves back, as that’s the essential principle I commit myself to walk here: to support others the way that I would like to be supported myself.

 

I commit myself to stop all assumptions, all projections of ideas/beliefs and perceptions I have toward ‘others’ and ‘who they are’ or ‘Should be’ in my mind, and instead commit to live in the moment where words are assessed in the moment instead of carrying ‘past history’ of a person within myself as a recollection of ‘experiences’ toward ‘them’ to then decide ‘who I am toward the person’ as this is my own conditioning my own ‘program’ that I have to ensure is not interfering with my ability to support another as myself which begins by ensuring I am not tainting another’s words based on the past or ‘who I believe the person to be’ but rather work each time, anew, from the words  in the moment, no past, not future, just here.

 

 

I commit myself to live the word humbleness in practicality within the consideration of others as myself which implies placing myself in the shoes of another, understand ‘where they’re coming from’ ensuring I’m not taking their words/actions/thoughts personally, but that I am able to instead if I see myself able to understand the words, I can most certainly challenge and will myself to support another that I see is willing to support themselves too, as this is how I see that through supporting each other it is easier to face the points and patterns that still exist within ourselves, so this is to not see another through eyes of ‘how changed he/she should be by now’ but to simply work with what is here, no preconceptions, no expectations, no denials, no running away or dodging the point but facing it fully here as it is part of my reality, and that then is of course my responsibility to face as well.

 

I commit myself to live the word gentleness which is a very necessary aspect when it comes to my words and to ensure that I am not in any way creating a defense mode toward another or to prove ‘righteousness’ or want to ‘control’ a situation through any amount of force, as I realize that this is what I have judged from any form of ‘authority’ that I have experienced such form of ‘control’ form, which is nothing else but actual fear that attempts to keep things ‘stable’ instead of facing them and directing them as self – so I realize that in order to live Gentleness  I have to let go of any speck of fear that creates the ‘defense mode’ and so align my words to embody that gentleness, consideration and humbleness to understand another, to support another as I would like to be supported myself and so be willing to embrace all parts of what is here in this world as myself and as points that I require to face if I am in fact to ‘train’ myself to educate myself to support any other person in this world that wants to support themselves back.

 

Further reading:

254. Beautiful Enslavement and Control

 

 

Suggested places to understand more about how to embrace and support the nature of who we have become as our mind:

 

Demonology | Revealing the world of demonsDesteni

 

The History of Desteni and Demons – Part One – YouTube

 

 

DSC00535

 

 

 

To learn more about how to support yourself and another, share, walk with us and become part of the necessary liberation from fighting against each other and instead, become life:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


407. The Mind as Mankind’s Fall

Continuation to:

 

The original nature of man as ‘fallen’ can be understood as that origin and starting point of our existence as the manifestation of the separation of Self as one and equal. This is about that primordial separation from which we have come a long, long way up to now where we virtually have no remembrance of how long we have been repeating the same mistakes, the same patterns, living the same li(v)es and seeking the same answers as to why we haven’t been able to live a fulfilling, peaceful, joyful life. And that’s where it all began, when we have considered that the rather disturbing and horrible things going on inside our minds and so in our reality is some kind of a ‘fall’ or a ‘course’ that we have to seek to escape, ignore or seek to be saved or hide from it all in the opposite polarity in all things that relate to positivity, light & love as consciousness ‘revolutions’ and ‘evolutions’ that promote the avoidance of everything that would be considered in our minds as bad/negative/destructive –however, who/what or rather HOW did we come to define the ‘negative’ and ‘positive’ in our reality?

 

Origin of Separation 07

 

 

What I truly consider necessary is to understand our starting point in this process of investigating how we have accepted and allowed ourselves to act, speak and think in ways that are not best for all, to only act in the mindset of ‘what’s best for me’ as the reverse of life, and this is all because we have listened to our minds as our thoughts, feelings and emotions to dictate who we are, what to do, what to believe, etc. which means: we haven’t lived in self-awareness, we haven’t lived by principles that consider what is best for everyone and ourselves, we haven’t paid attention to how we dictate our lives based on our beliefs with which we create the world-system, constructs and institutions in this world as our image and likeness; we have created our own traps and laws as knowledge and information that we then  use to excuse our own thoughts and actions without questioning where did it all come from?  It is about realizing that we cannot rely in the answers given any longer – instead we have to focus on understanding the mechanism, the ‘tool’ with which we think, and that is the Mind.

 

 

 

Apparently, the Consciousness as Personality is a ‘Higher Form’ of Being, because – it can ‘Reason’. But, in fact – it has No Reason. Reason would be the Ability to Directively, Always, Manage All Existence in a Cooperative Way with Respect, Understanding the Inherent Equality as the Life Force that Animates the Form. But the Consciousness Refuse to Consider this. Because that would mean, it Must Give-Up its Self-Interest which is Focused on the Continuous Systematic Production of Energy and Feelings by Systems that the End-Result as Consciousness Never Sees, Never Understands, Never Considers. 
Frankly, to be the End-Product as 
Energy
 and Feeling – without Understanding the Mechanics of Production: is the Height of Ignorance, and is the CORE Cause where All Life Forms and Life itself is Ignored. – Bernard Poolman 

– See more at: http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-258-vampires-in-soul-of-sacred.html#sthash.dEzEtNM0.dpuf

 

How we operate in the mind is – and this you can observe for yourself – we constantly and continuously create a process of friction and conflict within ourselves, we generate and perpetuate ‘all bad things’ in our lives and so in this world, which becomes then our ‘fallen’ state or condition: it is not a curse, it is not some divine punishment, it is not only preprogramming – it is the laws, rules which come from thoughts that become our ideologies with which we start defining ‘who we are’ and ‘how things must be’ which lead us to exist in conflict, always seeking to be at the point of least discomfort, the least effort, the least conflict, the most ‘love’ or ‘feeling good’ as all things positive that we eventually become addicted to. It is then in this self-created ‘fall’ that we start  vehemently seeking all things to seemingly ‘escape’ from seeing, facing and realizing the consequences of our original starting point which is that of friction and conflict, of not cooperating  with each other, of evil as the reverse of live which is defined in our minds as negative, seemingly ‘bad’ which is nothing else but acting/thinking in ways that are harmful/abusive/deceptive to oneself, which carry consequences that we can all witness and are participating it as our lives and how this world-system mostly operates: deception, corruption, hatred, abuse, control, etc.

These are not things we have to fear and hide from, this is what we create ourselves with our very own thoughts and experiences in our minds, this where we have led ourselves to in self-interest and disregard of everything and everyone else as equals. So, fearing it or denying it is only prolonging the necessary process that comes when realizing what we’ve done and become. Nothing to feel guilty of, that can be self-forgiven – experiencing real shame is not an experience in itself, but a profound decision to understand what I/we have created, done and become and make a decision to never again repeat the same mistakes, that’s a constructive way to live shame and transform guilt into a process of self-correction.

 

One of the reasons why throughout this process we initially focus on dissecting, investigating, understanding the ‘evil’ as the reverse of life existent within ourselves and the world-system as a whole, is to see, realize and understand how each one of us through acting based on what we think, feel or believe have come to act and co-create this world in a way wherein we have only regarded ‘my personal interest’ and disregard everything and everyone else. We learn how to  seek culprits, point fingers and blame others for how ‘bad’ things are or what ‘they’ have done unto ‘us’ – not realizing that there’s not ‘us vs. them’ because for a master to exist, slaves had to comply to such role as well.

We tend to avoid looking at or rather fear focusing on our consequences, which is not to get fixated on everything ‘bad’ in this world – it is rather to understand how we came to create these consequences, what we have done, what we haven’t done, where have I actually been directly involved with the consequences in my own life.

 

The Sole Purpose for the Human Existence, being that: as a Slave – Producing the Energy Necessary for the Multi-Dimensions Existence, in Form. – Bernard Poolman

Read the entire explanation at:  http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-254-secret-geometry-of.html#sthash.Co7M2FpI.dpuf

 

This is also why we expose how in seeking only ‘the positive’ we are only creating a Band-Aid solution to a very deep in-jury we have inflicted upon ourselves from the beginning of our time, never in fact knowing the real story behind our purpose and meaning of existence in this reality – this is not something ‘negative’ or ‘bad,’ it is how things are in fact. The only way to understand why we would we or anyone act in a deliberate harmful and abusive way is through understanding how our mind works and operates, its origin and purpose, which is why I consider that it is vital to investigate Desteni and so understand that all ‘the bad’ and negative in this world is our creation, so we simply stop creating an experience toward this ‘fallen’ perception of man, stop thinking we ‘will never change’ or that it is human nature and as such it is unchangeable – and instead direct ourselves to do the truly revolutionary move of challenging such beliefs, challenging everything we’ve known till this day and focus on our own process of understanding what it means to live in Self-Honesty, to not be dictated by pre-ordained thinking patterns, emotions or feelings but instead deliberately think, act and speak according to what will be supportive for each other as equals.

 

It is also self-evident how our reality is the result of our disregard of each other as equals, from giving to one another what we should have always given to each other in the recognition of another as myself –we haven’t applied any of this because we allowed ourselves to focus only on the individual, the survival, the ‘how I feel and experience myself’ which is nothing else than giving priority to who we are in the mind as emotions and feelings – the negative and positive experiences respectively – all energy based. What I have learned at Desteni is that participating in these experiences is in fact once again confirming our separation and enslavement, our ‘fallen’ experiences that we then tend to use as an excuse to focus on ‘getting well’ or ‘being positive’ rather than looking at physical reality and questioning ourselves why we have created this generally ‘negative’ state and condition for everyone? Why do we have to constantly seek all the ‘good’ things in life instead of giving this to each other as a living right? Why have we kept each other oppressed, marginalized and uneducated about our true potential when we work in consideration of what is best for all?

 

Waterfall

 

When we believe we ‘fall’ for example and create a negative experience about it, we are in fact only caring about ‘how I FEEL’ and how I Experience myself through thoughts, emotions, feelings that I then believe are in fact ‘real’ and so confirming and recreating one’s own ‘fall’ as explained in the previous blog, which is nothing else but a self-created experience that we then hold on to as an excuse to not actually stand up, review why we fell, how we fell, what can we then lay out as a practical solution to prevent oneself from committing the same fault/ mistake and so continue walking, continue living the process of self-correction.

 

When we allow ourselves to define ‘who we are’ through the veil of emotions, feelings as beliefs, desires, fears, worries, obsessions, we are in fact only contributing to the problem in our reality, we are not contributing to establish solutions, because solutions come in the form of practical plans of action such as stopping participating in emotions with which we make ourselves  feel bad and miserable – which is the same process when we go into a ‘high’ experience seeking to look only at the positive in this world, thinking about all that makes us feel good and that we’ve defined as beautiful or comfortable in our experience – this is what creates the most problems in fact, because in this we ignore our starting point which is the actual reality that everyone can confirm right now just by going outside of your house and looking at how we relate to each other, how our money system operates, how we have to exist in a constant survival mode, how wars are waged within ourselves, toward each other and between nations, how we use information to manipulate, how we learn to lie and deceit to earn the most… all of this is what we have created as our image and likeness of our original separation from being in fact living as one and equal from the beginning of our existence.  

 

This doesn’t imply that we must remain fixated on only looking at how ‘bad’ we are as that would also be an excuse to remain enslaved, which is also useless without understanding such consequential outflows what we create. We have to stop believing that ‘we were born this way, we are screwed for life’ type of excuses. What we focus on at Desteni is daring to first look at that ‘evil’ aspect of ourselves, evil as in the reverse of live, understanding why and how we have come to exist as and create these high levels of self-abuse, neglect, self-harm, hatred toward one another and so once we start understanding how we create such destruction through our everyday distractions in the mind, losing track of living principles, we can then start practically writing and structuring How we can stop participating in all of these destructive distractions and establish/build a new track where we can step aside of our own cave, to see that the ‘fall’ must not be a continuous experience of feeling damned, but can only be a moment to reflect further on how we came to such ‘fall’ or entrapment, and how we can now focus on getting back on track, stop all distractions, stop self-destruction and align ourselves to that which we realize is best for all, best for oneself which begins through precisely using writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to give ourselves the direction that we realize we always should have given to us, to live by the principles where equality is realized at a practical level.

This is then part of the understanding of why we haven’t just lived ‘heaven on Earth’ and why we desperately sought it by avoiding all that we perceived as evil/bad/negative, which we end up creating as a consequence of not realizing that we haven’t built any actual foundation – such as a world-system based on living principles of life in equality –  to provide a good life for each other here on Earth; we haven’t yet collectively worked on establishing supportive platforms of education to understand our minds and so understand how this world is a reflection of every single pattern of separation that we exist as within ourselves, which is also one of the purposes we are so adamant in sharing the importance of understanding our minds and so realizing the responsibility that resides in each one of us to contribute to this process of self-change through self-honesty and self-responsibility, learning how to honor each other as life.

 

 

Collective unconcious 07

 

 

Some other examples of how we trap ourselves in our mental polarity

 

Seeking ‘peace’ is nothing else but a controlled and ongoing state of ‘preventing war’ instead of getting rid of the concept of war and peace to realize the positive and negative connotations to it and how such ‘states of being’ are only experiences in the mind, where one is defined by the existence of the other – in this, we forget to look at the reasons why wars are waged, why we have come to believe that a ‘solution’ to a conflict comes through death and destruction, why we have come to believe that wars are a good way to ‘restart the economy’ or how wars can be a way to honor a nation… and so realizing that peace is not something to fight for, but a process of creating a world-system where we never again fall in the trap of believing that war  brings any supportive results in our reality. The same applies then to love and hate, good or bad, weak or strong – dissecting each of these words to understand why we create our own highs and lows is the most empowering thing we can do, so that we are no longer controlled by  energetic experiences as thoughts, feelings, emotions but instead focus on establishing a real stability in our lives through focusing on practical solutions in physical reality.

 

 

An example, if we see that money is a collectively accepted concept existent as debt and as such a fictional instrument of control to keep the majority on survival mode while creating ‘power’ for a minority, then we realize that it makes sense to step by step start aligning this money-construct to become something that is actually supportive to enable everyone to live in dignity. A practical way to do this is for example to provide money for everyone that doesn’t currently have an assured income and provide better wages for everyone as a beginning and stepping stone to continue then correcting the entire construction/concept that we have all created as what ‘money’ is and redefine its creation, use and purpose the same way that we can redefine words to stop reacting to our own creation of money, judging it as ‘the root of all evil’ and as such, start focusing on how we can give another use to money to provide a everyone access to live in a dignified manner and investigate all the alignments and corrections required to be able to collectively agree to do just that.


They key point is to understand then how we came to create money as the apparent ‘root of all evil’ which is the image and likeness of our need to control to have ‘more’ than others and so consolidate the idea of power, and so start looking at and structuring ways to perfect the creation of money so that it no longer is issued by private corporations for the purpose of perpetuating power and control, but that it functions merely as the administrative and practical tool it always should have been from which debt and its profitable creation in the form of interest can cease to exist – this will only be possible when we collectively agree on money becoming an actual way to ensure the supportive management of resources and how we interact with them to have a dignified life.
 

As we can see, sorting out the money problem involves a process and so it will also take a process to do the same with ourselves in our minds, to understand first how we created the problem, why, how we have become the problem itself and so create a practical plan to change ourselves once that we have faced, self-forgiven and understood the point in which we have created our own fall and never really moved from it until now that we are opening up the ability to change ourselves.

 

Money is as fake as this Empire State Plastic Eraser

 

The only reason why we have to begin with and first focus on the consequences we have created, the actual negative/bad/destructive aspects of our reality is because we have conditioned ourselves to neglect them, to avoid seeing the truth of ourselves, our reality and so only resorting in that which makes us ‘feel good’ or ‘think positive’ which is the apparent ‘way out’ from our own damnation. But the problem is that we have accepted and allowed such evil/negative/bad as who we are which lead us to accept the fact that seeking the ‘positive/good’ was a solution – it is not, it is only jumping from pole to pole which is also why most of our problem-solution-reward processes in our world-system have been another way to evolve the problem, because there had never been solutions based on what is best for all and embracing all aspects of ourselves/our reality as oneself, but instead we have always generated solutions where some are benefitted and others are not, perpetuating the divide and conquer mentality as well as the polarity of ‘good vs. evil’ and once again back into the programming of thinking and perceiving this reality through the mental-filter of ‘good vs. bad’ which is what we have trapped ourselves into always experiencing conflict of doing good things or bad thins, never considering plain common sense of what I require to do to live in consideration of what is best for all.  This we do through the process of self-honesty: not ‘ignoring’ the bad, not avoiding it but understanding it, self-forgiving it and laying out solutions and corrections that we can implement at an individual and collective level which won’t be founded upon going into the ‘up’ or ‘high’ experience as something ‘positive,’ but simply aligning to the principle that exists within each one of us as part of this physical existence, the principle that we can see would enable us to co-create a reality where we can fulfill each other’s necessities, where we can actually express ourselves to our utmost potential which exists in each one of us as a potential to be developed – it is a seed waiting to be watered in each one of us.

 

Now that we have the understanding of ‘the evil’ or ‘the fall’, we can then focus on forgiving the ‘fall’ which is the equivalent of existing in separation, existing in the mind, existing of consciousness and so walk this physical, practical, constant and consistent process where we can apply ourselves to correct our ‘nature’ and for the first time prove to ourselves that we can live as equals in this world.

 

For all of this, an individual process is required, which is then how our starting point can be realized not as a damnation, an eternal curse, but a general misalignment to the principle of Life in Equality, which is who/what we really are as part of this existence from which we have separated ourselves through knowledge, information, words, experiences – all of it in the mind. An analogy here is that it is no different to seeing a detuned guitar and each one of us being part of the strings that are ‘out of tune.’ So tuning ourselves as each string that will make the guitar have a harmonious sound is our responsibility, and it will not be about creating a ‘greater experience’ about it or about making ourselves ‘superior’ for walking the process of ‘tuning’ ourselves, but simply to align ourselves to how we all realize in common sense will make the guitar sound better, to fine-tune ourselves to be actually ‘sound’ and support the actual creation of music that can come from such guitar – the strings being each one of us and the guitar as our body, our reality as the platform that enables the expression of the strings which is this world along with all living beings that are here and that already cooperate and exist in self-awareness, the same as the world body that has been waiting for us to decide to begin aligning ourselves so that we can altogether sound ourselves in harmony as a whole.

 

 

As we can see the realization that we are out of tune is the first step, Then we have to see whether we are high or low in the tone so that we can understand how we will fine tune each string, and just like we all know when a guitar is sounding ‘good’ we can all also have such principle of what would be best for everyone in this reality such as providing each other the necessary support to physically live well and have a dignified life, to support each other the way we would want others to support ourselves, to not harm or abuse each other but to rather realize what we can do and create if we work together with this starting point and principle of considering what is best for all, to give to one another as we would like to receive and through that we can eventually get to realize ourselves as equals which means: stopping living in the positive or negative aspects of how we define what we do, but to simply focus on understanding how have I detuned/misaligned myself, how to correct myself to tune myself back to my alignment based on what is best for myself and all so that I, in conjunction with everyone else, get to be sound and able to express ourselves as we always should have done, because we all want this for ourselves, we just haven’t taken the actual steps to do so beginning with ourselves as individuals, as that’s where the initial split was created in our individuality: in our minds, mining our physical substance to power up our friction and conflict – this is the actual self abuse that requires to be stopped within self-first.

 

What expressions can come from aligning ourselves? That’s up to us, but first point is to take that first point of responsibility to align ourselves, to fine tune ourselves and the rest is yet to be walked. It is important to note that the tuning might not be a given answer – it won’t be a feeling, a though or an emotion. We have to actually take the responsibility to create the ways in which we can physically test out what works, what doesn’t, what points to consider, how to see the changes through space and time – it is all about a physical process of stabilizing ourselves and supporting each other to do the same and so push ourselves to share with each other how it is possible to truly live to our utmost potential – this is yet to be seen and realized, but we have to start somewhere and so we begin here, with ourselves.

 

We are everything as equals 08

 

Suggested read:

Supportive Reads:

 

Supportive Material:

The Soul of Money Series:

 

The Secret History of the Universe

 

 

To learn more about transcending the veil of good and evil:

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  • Agreement/Redefining Relationship Course
  • Desteni Forum
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  • Creation’s Journey to Life
  • Heaven’s Journey To Life
  • 7 Year Journey To Life Process

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