Category Archives: forgivenses

Day 37: The Opium of the People

 

A cold realization – yet another one in this process – in relation to Religion. I had become such a blatant hater of the religion I was born into and then, fascinatingly enough, sought others to fulfill ‘my needs’ that were based on any type of philosophy and practice wherein I could create a ‘bridge’ toward a relationship with a god/ source/ higher self and ‘fulfill my mission in life.’ I’ve written before about it in the various spirituality-related blogs  and it’s great to realize that there is still a lot to understand about this reality, and that I can take a lot of my words back to self through Self Forgiveness on this post in relation to how much I have judged reality as the ‘opium of the masses’ without understanding why we actually required to be  sedated with the illusion of god/ heaven/ happiness in the afterlife in order to not end up killing each other due to our Real Nature. Yes,  as shocking as it is: we required God and following Religions, Spirituality or any other Movement that promoted the reunion with the ideal of benevolence that could instill – on a parallel mode – Fear as a way to control our real heavy-duty evil nature.

It’s fascinating that I saw the word opium coming up yesterday and I could not pin point what was it all about, until today that I heard an interview that explains Religions and their key-role within the development of our civilization. Then Marx’s quote about Religions came up and realized that we truly had no idea about ourselves until now. With this, I clarify I am in no way justifying or now supporting religion – as anything in this world, it is part of the enslavement that We Created for ourselves and that we were definitely requiring it in order to not go absolutely haywire against each other.

It is interesting as I had realized this point partially, when seeing how people with scarce resources – poor people – could be the most angry and spiteful toward the system yet remained appeased due to one stronghold in their morals: religion, the idea that they had to be good/ do good in order to get to heaven. The idea of heaven then becomes such a powerful dream and desire that is able to instill fear – as the opposite force of the happy ideal of fulfillment – through creating necessary threats to make it clear that:you had to love your neighbor in order to get to be with god in heaven. That was, of course, the heaven of ‘your choice’ which was created and related to specific groups of people in this world as humanity.

Now for the entire explanation, hear about why the inherent nature of man is Evil and enlighten yourself about the exact detail of why, how and how come it is that we haven’t seen and realized this before throughout human history. Brilliant.

 

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge anything in this world just because of what I read and what I got to understand as knowledge that seemed like common sense to me, but never really knew ‘why’ a point like Religion, in this case, was a necessary ailment to prevent the actual inherent nature of man as evil from taking over our reality to such an extent, that we could have most likely exterminated ourselves long time ago.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge Religion as the ‘opium of the masses’ without ever really understanding why Religion existed as a key-aspect in our relationship to ourselves due to the inherent evil nature that exists as ourselves, human beings, hence religion being an actual regulator of our inherent evil nature to prevent us from killing one another in the name of power and greed over others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Religion was pure evil, while in fact it is me as humanity that is the real evil and required of a handbrake as fear-installment through Religion in order to create a point of morality to always seek to do good to eventually get to a heaven wherein we could meet ‘god’ and live happily ever after – all of this because of our real nature being that of self-interest, desire for power and being willing to do anything to get to a position that would fulfill that self-centered egoistical nature that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become – in this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question why I hated religion and then sought religion as a way to make myself less miserable, without realizing that the relationship that I had sought to create toward god was in essence, the relationship that I had separated myself from as god, as one and equal, which is the essence of separation that we have created, recreated and multiplied in all the plethora of points that we have acquiesced as part of our reality, without ever really questioning ‘why’ and how come we require the idea of a god to exist, and how come god it is separate from ourselves if it is god, which should be an ever-present omniscient type of concept.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge religion based on deeming it as brainwashing, without seeing that it is not about ‘Religion’ as a man-made creation in itself, but about Human Nature, our nature that is the actual effect of the primordial separation that ensued the moment that we separated ourselves from being one and equal as life – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to be so ‘sure’ about something such as deeming, judging and denigrating any aspect of reality as something that is ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ and ‘abusive’ without taking such words first back to myself and dare to investigate how come an apparent point of ‘separated-reality’ is able to be ‘evil to me’ and ‘bad toward me,’ such a religion ‘wanting to manipulate me’ and forgetting about asking the very key-question to all aspects in our reality: Who  have been the creators of religion, of spirituality, of movements, of capitalism, of the banking system, of the political elite, of the corporations: we have, human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question why I hated religion and then sought religion as a way to make myself less miserable, without realizing that the relationship that I had sought to create toward god was in essence, the relationship that I had separated myself from as god, as one and equal, which is the essence of separation that we have created, recreated and multiplied in all the plethora of points that we have acquiesced as part of our reality, without ever really questioning ‘why’ and how come we require the idea of a god to exist, and how come god it is separate from ourselves if it is god, which should be an ever-present omniscient type of concept.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge Religion as the ‘opium of the masses’ without ever really understanding why Religion existed as a key-aspect in our relationship to ourselves due to the inherent evil nature that exists as ourselves, human beings, hence religion being an actual regulator of our inherent evil nature to prevent us from killing one another in the name of power and greed over others.

 

I realize that the only way to walk this process is through accepting humbleness as self, because we cannot possibly continue existing in an elevated idea of self based on knowledge and information as our own spiderweb that was spun, without ever considering that every single point of separation as knowledge and information is actually demonstrating an aspect of ourselves that we created an experience toward, and that must be now restored/ given back to self through Self Forgiveness, as there is no other way to get to a point of equal-terms and clarity as Self once that we are now witnessing the damage done as the result of our own creation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create separation upon separation through judging the initial judgment that religion entails as a point of separation from god/source/ substance as life, that we then sough to ‘reunite with’ without ever wondering: why and how did we ever then ‘separated’ ourselves from it? How come we have allowed ourselves to fall for a belief and base our entire civilization upon a single judgment that is indicating our separation from any form of actual understanding of how we got ourselves to this point, wherein we are blaming religions for the problems in the world and overlooking the very simplistic aspect of ALL problems in the world: they have all been man-made.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself in words as creations that I then dared to judge, blame and  base myself in comparison-to, belief-upon, belittle, antagonize and even hate without ever realizing that nothing was just ‘miraculously’ placed here by a ‘hand of god’ – I see, realize and understand that this reality has been my creation, in all bits, parts and even that which I had promised to myself to never ‘be a part of’ – it has always been me.

 

I realize that Self-Forgiveness is the ability for me to no longer be bound to the chain-massacre of judgment upon judgment and reaction upon reaction as the infinite ways in which I could continue delegating my point of responsibility toward ‘something/ someone’ outside separate from me – from god, to politician, to CEO, to bankers, to spiritual leader, to the pope, to parents, to teachers, to kings, queens and any other person that I deemed was ‘responsible’ for the fuckup that is here as this world, missing out completely the basic common sense realization which is: it’s always been myself creating and perpetuating separation as the initial after-shock from that primordial separation from being one and equal, from which this negative experience that emerged, became ‘who I am’ as a separate being, which is and has been the starting point of ourselves as creation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wage war against me all the time, to separate myself even further every time that I sought to feel better about myself, to ‘be closer to god’ which is in essence the perpetual enslavement that we all became a part of – either through religion, spirituality and participating in any form of movements – as well as sex and following money – all forms of desiring to create a point of positivity and a good experience in ourselves, that could get us ‘back to’ that initial fulfillment that exists when ‘being whole’ as the sum of all separation that currently exist – therefore

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is only through writing myself, applying Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application that I can go stopping all forms of separation toward myself and walk the necessary process to stand one and equal as that realization of completion/being one and equal,  through stopping the recreation of separation as an energetic experience within me, which begins at the level of a thought that is seeking to be ‘more’ and ‘feel better’ about myself and in relation to ‘others,’ within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the initial point that lead me to seek to be a part of a religion and seek ‘god’ and establishing a communicating with ‘god,’ as that ideal of perfection and ‘greatness’ which had always actually been me seeking to communicate with myself – yet always existing only as an ‘idea’ of myself toward the idea of an almighty god that could ‘save me,’ without ever being able to see the obvious: there is no god and I’ve done this all to myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within this point of righteousness toward religion, seek to make myself ‘feel better’ about myself whenever I would rejoice in criticizing it and deeming myself to be ‘more intelligent than that,’ while missing out the obvious: any time/ moment that I sought to ‘find myself,’ I was participating in the same religious construct that I judged as the opium of the masses, just because I had pondered knowledge and information above all common sense within this reality.

 

I realize that the relationship that I sought to create with god, was always seeking to create a relationship with myself, which is now in the process of stopping the energetic relationship that I have created toward my own thoughts, emotions, feelings accumulated as memories that defined ‘who I am,’ and walking the process of disentangling myself from all the bits and parts that I have separated myself into within the belief that: I was incomplete and required  god and the illusion of eternal life in heaven to exist, wherein I could finally be ‘free’ and ‘happy,’ which is the reason why I actually accepted all the abuse and suffering in this world, diminishing this reality to being just ‘hell’ in my mind, which was always self created by individual and collective participation due to our inherent beingness that emerged from that primordial separation that we have ‘forgotten’ about, yet recreate every single day that we neglect the fact that any being that is Here as part of this reality is equal to and one with ourselves.

 

I see, realize and understand that it is my/our duty to now walk the process of actually Living as equals in this world, which is a process that lived by self every moment of breath that I have been able to effectively write out, self forgiven, applied self corrective application and walk the process of self, here as a breathing living being that is existing as part of a social organism that requires actual laws, policies and structures that support life in equality – for all to finally live as gods, as creators of a world that we can in fact live together in without desiring something in separation of self as motivation.

 

I commit myself to walk the process of realizing how it is that through me giving myself back to myself everything that I have separated myself from, that I can in fact stop all forms of abuse and negligence that stem from the single point point of friction that I allow within myself to exist as in relation to religion, spirituality and any other form of movement that stood as a yearning and desire to be ‘whole again,’ without realizing that such wholeness has always been here as myself in every moment that I am able o exist as breath and not give into an experience of self that is based on conflict and the accumulation of my own thoughts to ‘seek o be more/ seek something new’ and identifying the fact that all ‘temptations’ are in fact ourselves as points wherein we haven’ established ourselves as being a directive living principle at all times.

 

I commit myself to walk this process of self equality and oneness wherein I now take on the various components of myself as an individual within this reality, wherein all identifications and associations at a collective level in various groupings according to religions, cultures, political affiliations and self-identification movements are walked within the principle of equality and oneness to stop separation from

.

I commit myself to expose and explain how a religion or any other form of seeking to be whole/ complete again is an actual process that can be walked in a written manner through a personal process of self-realization wherein such equality and oneness is walked as a physical process of writing out, applying self forgiveness and self corrective application for all the ways in which I have separated myself from as relationships in he mind, which is how we can learn how I is o exist physically once that all energetic reactions against each other cease to exist.

 

I commit myself to reveal how any form of judgment toward religion or any other aspect of our reality is actually a point that we all are responsible for and that instead of judging, we can walk as a necessary process of self-forgiveness in order o ensure that we understand Why and How we created such separation, to now be able to go stopping ourselves from participating in any energetic games wherein we all sought to get closer to god.

 

I commit myself to walk in Self Honesty which implies: walking as breath in every moment to ensure I am in fact supporting myself to stand one and equal as the physical breathing that confirms: I am here.

 

For that, I suggest you visit the Desteni I Process and support yourself to LIVE

 

IGod

Great Interview that explains the role that religions played within human civilization, as well as understanding Freedom and Imprisonment within/ as the Human Physical Body

Atlanteans – Why the Nature of Man is inherently Evil – Part 33

Blogs:

Glorifying the Devil as the Nature of God: Day 36
Day 36: Heaven on Earth

Man Know Thyself – By Bernard Poolman

Day 2: Perfection Game

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Day 26: Captive in My Own Cage

 

While listening to the latest chapters of the  Atlanteans’ series wherein the entire process of being being ‘imprisoned’ is explained in detail, I could see that my reactions to this energetic caging and enslavement were like physical experiences of slight chest constrictions and a general sense of regret mixed with powerlessness, as I explained yesterday.

I can see how the word ‘captive’ depicts the associations that I created of myself within such experience, which is what I felt like and fed through various thoughts that were part of the crutches that I would use as an excuse to pursue spirituality, seeing my body as a cage believing that who I really was is some spiritual being trapped in this body, this vessel – yet the point that we got to understand today is how there is no-part of me to oppose, neglect or dispose here, it is about an actual integration of who I really am as one and equal within what would be popularly identified as the mind, body and spirit – however this is understood as: the mind, the physical body and consciousness as the trinity that we’ve become wherein the equalization of all three points implies me walking myself back to self through occupying my mind, body and understanding how I created myself as consciousness to only later on, get to the point of birthing self as life which is only a possibility once that we walk ourselves backwards.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a captive, as a prisoner and exist within a perceived victimization from what I accepted and allowed as a process of being captivated in order to become who and what we are today as human beings, without being able to remember why I had lived in such an internal conflict within feeling like a prisoner in my own body, without realizing that I haven’t actually ever occupied my body in its totality – therefore, how could I deem it as a cage if I am not even aware of the internal processes it functions as?

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to an experience within the mind as an energetic imprisonment which has been the real ‘captivity’ that I have lived within and as, wherein I disregarded the absolute draining of physical matter to keep up my delusions and experiences of alienation from my very physical body, it is unacceptable to say the least what we have done to ourselves, what we accepted and allowed and how a single belief about who we are led us to the consequences we are facing today.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold myself captive of my own thinking processes about what I have accepted and allowed within my life and throughout existence, which means that I created general reactions of irritation and loathe toward everyone wherein ‘my freedom’ was sought in separation of the whole, wherein I thought that I was the only one feeling like imprisoned and limited, being ‘caged’ in my own body, without really understanding how we function as one organism that exists in constant recreation of separation by me using my mind and physical body to elaborate further ways to separate myself from the whole, which is what has led us to ‘upgrade’ our human version into a more distrustful, fearful, jealous, envious being that fears its own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate ‘freedom’ with being out of the body- having no body at all – and not having to eat which is what I also have held as a constant experience of enslavement whenever any physical need has to be met, simply because of how I have judged this physical body and design wherein I created an experience toward it. I sought to make myself feel better about it, without realizing that in this very movement to ‘get out of the experience’ I would inevitably stir the waters and create further inner conflict, as I resisted to see and realize that it was simply me creating an energetic experience in my mind that is absolutely separated from the actuality of the physical reality, in this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as my mind, as my physical, as my creation which is my own body and everyone else around me wherein I got to be reluctant to accept myself here, because of not seeing ‘any point in life’ and within that, only fueling the separation that could only exist within my own mind, without any actual physical reference of the body being actually a cage or any other form of confinement that I believed it to be within my own mind, only. I realize that who I am as consciousness could only understand the physical through its narrow and limited ways of understanding the physical reality, which is not a beingness but knowledge only.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that whenever I sought to overcome/ fight an internal conflict, when and while I tried to force my way out of it, I would invariably create further resistance, conflict, friction as separation, which means that any belief of me being ‘over it’ is only a defense mechanism of my own ego to protect the reality that is still here and that must be self-forgiven in order to reintegrate myself back to self, wherein there is nothing to oppose or overcome or grow out of, but instead realizing the separation for the mind-creation that it is and walk the process of reintegrating myself back to self in equality and oneness, where no further conflicts are created as I will have then understood the starting point of me separating myself in friction and conflict as a self-created experience to only generate energy for my mind to continue existing, as part of the ‘maintenance processes’ that I have participated in within the co-creation processes within this reality.

 

I realize that the only solution is for me to unconditionally stop any type of judgment, not only toward the body in itself, but toward this idea of myself having been a captive throughout my existence. This implies that no victimization can be held toward myself/ anyone else. I become the point that stops all mental captivity in reducing myself to being a single idea, a single experience and being ‘held captive’ by my own deliberate participation in such concepts that I gave my power away to in order to regenerate the initial existential conflict created from that initial moment of separation, wherein I accepted an existence of seeking the positive to feel more/ feel better about myself and the idea of self that I accepted and allowed as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an experience toward the word ‘captive’ which implies that I can only inflict such limitation upon myself through my own participation as it, which is how easy an entire relationship of mind-abuse toward self can be followed/ created by living out a word as an experience, instead of realizing that I can simply self-forgive it and stop regenerating such beliefs and perceptions as myself.

I realize that captivity is simply an experience created within my mind as the accumulations of thoughts that I tried to make as if it was ‘okay,’ when it was really a draining experience when having no direction over my experiences and essentially becoming sad and dismal whenever any thoughts of a similar nature would come up.

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create this existential woe and dread from the belief and perception of being held captive by ‘someone else,’ without realizing that the best cage that I’ve built for myself has been my own thoughts that have created and generated an entire fortress as a limitation to my actual ability to live and express here unconditionally.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to want to blame others for this experience of feeling like a captive, which would imply that I sought for revenge other than actual freedom from such captivity, disregarding at all times and not even considering that I had been the one that accepted and allowed and fully agreed upon such moment of separation, which stemmed from a set of beliefs that are no different to the current belief system that we are still living in as our world-cage and fueling with our own participation in it every single day, just by the mere fact of living in a world wherein money decides who lives and who dies.

 

Okay – here’s the point tied with the point of being born into this world and essentially the memory of ever having blamed my parents for bringing me into this world. I can see how that is also another aspect of me blaming my mother/ father because I apparently didn’t choose to be here, so all in all it was me trying to find a reason and a general culprit for what I accepted and allowed beyond family ties and being born from two human beings. I now realize that this comes from such primordial separation wherein I accepted and allowed my energetic imprisonment as the mind, as the solidity of the individual that I’ve been wherein I probably spent lifetimes loathing my body and seeing it as a cage, because I essentially had a pretty bad relationship toward my body that I’ve walked for the past years and continue walking it.

 

This is just another perspective in terms of how whenever I wished to just die. This was also supported by the belief system of there being an apparent heaven that I would go to wherein some ‘real freedom’ could be experienced. But in fact, what I had held as a non-conscious thought of seeing this reality as a prison, was just feeling that I was not able to identify, which is what propitiated my vexed experience in this world. And what I can see is that, we probably all feel and experience ourselves in a similar way, because we are the same in fact, and that very first moment of separation explains how there is really no one to blame for this belief of ‘captivity’ because we were the ones that built the cage ourselves.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a captive of my own beliefs, thoughts, feelings and emotions wherein I used such internal conflict to apparently ‘resolve’ my ‘unresolved conflict’ within this experience of simply loathing the world, myself, reality and everyone, wanting to challenge and question any god: ‘why the fuck am I here for?’ which is part of the grudges toward this ‘god’ that lead me to stop desiring being a ‘good person’ and presenting this immaculate image, simply because reality was showing me the opposite at all times, without realizing that I was the very creator of it all, I am responsible for such primordial separation and in that, responsible for any inner-conflict experienced within myself against my own body, reality and every living being in this Earth.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever feel claustrophobic in my own body, which was actually a self-created experience from me being haunted by my own memories, my own fears, judgments and emotions that lead me to be constantly wanting to run away from everyone including myself, which is why I developed ways to not be alone or when being alone, being a complete absentee from my very physical body, because I simply neglected it and believed that I could only solace myself with entertainment and relationships where everything seemed at least ‘not that miserable,’ without realizing that through wanting to ‘clear up’ my experience, I inevitably also fed the negative inner-experience that was not actually self-forgiven, but only buried by layers of suppressing myself and building myself into an idea of self that could apparently ‘forget’ about my own mind as the experiences that lead me to ever really question who am I and what am I doing here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever desire to just ‘die’ to be ‘free from my body,’ without realizing that the actual prison is and has been ourselves as our own mind, as the reality that is stemming from our very own mind wherein we have decidedly created a point of friction, separation and absolute disregard to each one of us being in fact one and equal, being the very cause of all our experiences wherein there is nothing and no one to blame anymore, but simply stand up, take Self Responsibility for our creation and ourselves and within that, stop any experiences from all that which we have accepted and allowed to exist as ourselves from the very moment of separating from self as one and equal.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that heaven was the ‘real freedom’ and the place wherein I could finally run free and no longer be held a ‘captive’ in this matter world, without realizing that heaven is non existent, that I fed heaven through my very own internal conflict and friction that kept me thinking in and of separation, which only fed my own separation from the actual reality that I am which is this physical body that I neglected within my mind, without ever pondering how it is that I can judge that which sustains my very beingness, how can I neglect the very processes that allow the food that I eat be digested in order for me to continue living in this world, how have I become spiteful toward my very beingness just because of allowing thoughts in my mind to run rampant as an eternal friction, conflict and opposition toward my very beingness and matter.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word ‘matter’ to ‘problems’ wherein I then believed that all problems that I experienced could be ‘ended’ if I ceased to exist as such matter, without realizing or even understanding that the reality that I am is actually matter, as the physical that I have neglected, diminished, abused and tortured by my very belief system of ‘being a captive’ in my own body.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever support belief systems of ‘life after death’ being ‘the real life’ and this being only a sick joke that I had to endure with lots of inner conflict and mental pain that I created and fueled by my very own participation, never ever questioning ‘what the hell am I doing to myself?’ because I saw it as a righteous way to blame any ‘creator’ for my existence.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to want to blame my progenitors for ‘bringing me to this world’ without me apparently having chosen to be here, which only points out a point of desiring/ wanting to abdicate my own responsibility that has been always diverted to an ‘authority’ and some ‘greater force,’ wherein I became part of the masses that prefer to blame than actually get to know and understand how reality operates, and how we got ourselves here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this experience of and as captivity, seek to spite ‘god’ or fellow human beings for being born into this world that I see simply continued participating in within the ‘accepted ways’ of detracting, criticizing, judging, blaming everyone and anything outside of myself for my very own existence – and in that, becoming a captive of my own beliefs toward my ‘captive-state’ without realizing how I had created and generated it all for myself, from that very acceptance of separating myself from myself, ensuing the current state of reality that we’re living in, which is my creation and absolute responsibility to get myself back to as a whole again.

 

I commit myself to expose how we create our own cages of the mind while believing that all we are is this personalized fuckup that exists as thoughts, feelings, emotions that are only here to recreate and generate further inner conflict within ourselves, without realizing that it is in such separation that I have become this reality in its full splendor of human nature that spites itself back in the name of personal power and ‘freedom,’ that can only exist within this energetic-system of abuse as the current power games we play with and toward each other as personalities, fighting for survival and seeking the most ‘heavenly experience’ which is achieved with gaining/ earning/ getting the most money.

 

I commit myself to expose how any victimized state of being stemming from wanting to blame a god/ creator for our existence, is in fact abdicating our responsibility toward ourselves, this world as our creation and the very mirror of what we accept and allow to exist within our very own minds, therefore sharing and demonstrating how it is possible to stop living in such state of captivity by and through supporting ourselves to write out our cages, our frames of mind, our limitations/ fears/ judgments to walk a process of reintegrating ourselves back to that initial state of no-conflict, no opposition which is only able to be lived as self by walking this process of self through writing Self Forgiveness, developing Self Honesty and walking the practical living correction to ensure that we stop all separation in this world beginning with the separation that we have accepted and allowed in and as ourselves, as our physical body and mind.

 

I commit myself to walk my mind as my creation, my point of responsibility that requires a process of self-correction to ensure that I understand how I created myself, how I have limited and diminished myself to only being an ‘idea’ that is existing in constant and continuous conflict, to stop and walk a physical integration of such conflict into self-directive actions wherein who I am is able to be lived and expressed within the principle of what’s best for all as Life, as my actions and thoughts are from here on walked, self forgiven and directed to express the will of who I really am as one and equal, which implies no separation is allowed.

I commit myself to expose how we are the very ones that wrought this cage as our own mind, and how it is in reality that only through standing one and equal as our mind, as our physical body and taking responsibility for the consequences that are here as our reality and creation that we can finally birth life in the physical, the way that it always should have been.

 

Captivity

Blogs to Ground yourself back on Earth

Interviews


Day 24: Supervixen

 

Teasing, Tantalizing, chasing after chasing… all are experiences that we have become so used to as human beings, as consumers, as pictures within this picture world wherein energy as experiences is what has defined our life, sometimes entire lifetimes were defined according to keeping up a certain experience such as what I had lived  in a rather ‘unnoticed’ yet deliberate manner which is teasing/ tantalizing men specifically and getting always an experience out of it which was in the category of power and feeling ‘good’ about that.

 

This emerges as that seemingly uncanny and seemingly ‘natural’ pull that we have toward the opposite sex- of course being a heterosexual – and in that, participating in the constant friction that is created whenever a man and a woman are within the same ‘realm’ and reality and creating/ developing any form of relationship, which doesn’t necessarily have to be a ‘partnership,’ but any given encounter, friendship, school, work mates wherein I as a woman became aware of how easy it was to manipulate another man out of imposing myself in a way that could say – without words – ‘I am a woman and I can have you bow down to me’ – or so it seemed like that in my own mind.

 

It’s interesting because I learned these words from songs that I would hear when I was 9/10 years which was the time in the 90’s where all of these ‘powerful women in music’ were having a sudden uplift within media, and I simply wanted to be like them. I would ‘resonate’ with the presence and powerful personality that seemed to draw everyone’s attention to them. And within having the ability to relate to men in quite an ‘easy way’ due to how I became aware of this ability at a very young age, I used this as a form of  entertainment wherein I would make use of this form of manipulation to get a man to notice me/ want me/ desire me according to how much ‘input’ I would place into as attention that I would create or that I would deliberately manipulate myself into to ‘match’ what I would see would be wanted/ desired by such beings.

 

The point to clarify is how I really only wanted that initial playful and seemingly ‘innocent flirt’ that would keep me going for a while wherein I would enjoy having this sexual tension with other beings without having to go any further than that – which is what was mostly ‘unexpected’ by the counterparts, because I wasn’t really interesting in anything else other than keeping up that tension, just like keeping up a ‘flame’ until the candle burns out and consume and that was it – off to the next round and that was a rather ‘innocent way’ of looking at it, and it became such a ‘natural’ thing to do that I had not really questioned until one of my partners pointed out that I was such a flirtatious girl and I didn’t want to accept it because accepting it means my ego is destroyed and my secret forces of ‘power’ over others would be debunked, my ‘mojo’ would be lost – lol

 

So, this came up when I was walking yesterday and I saw a man that I know by default I would have obviously reacted to within myself in an energetic surge indicating that I was attracted to him, and the moment that I realized that, I deliberately breathed through it, to not participate, not glance, not do any seemingly ‘unconscious move’ that become those little points that are read as body language as a form of mutual recognition in one split moment that people can simply walk past by and just ‘flirt,’ and participate in that flirt without any other ‘consequence’ – apparently. What I see is that within me participating in such seemingly ‘unnoticed’ flirts, I am giving into a personality that was built over time wherein this power game toward men was developed. And I mean, this is not something ‘new,’ I guess that we all participate it in one way or another and there’s a series of interviews that explain the entire sexualization of relationships within this world wherein everyone is constantly participating in this, without noticing, calling it ‘human nature’ without having understood before WHY – now we know.

 

So, within me becoming aware of this at an early age, I used it in means of building myself as this ‘strong woman’ that can kick men’s asses and still be safe, because no men could ‘get back at me’ because of being a woman. And in this, I became rather cruel at some point – mostly when not really considering another in such relationships, because I wasn’t really aware of what I was ‘building’ while giving these little hints of teasing and tantalizing wherein I knew that I was definitely not going any further than that, but eventually the counterparts would believe that it would and the whole friendship/ relationship would just crumble down because I had simply given ‘false illusions’ to others – apparently.

 

Yet, this whole experience was just like ‘fun’ to me, like a pastime wherein I didn’t really consider what effect I was causing within others – and the same with some non-lasting relationships wherein because I ran out of the excitement quite fast, I simply would break up and that’s it.  It’s interesting how even in relationships the ‘who breaks up with who’ as in who ended the relationship can be turned into a ‘power game.’

 

I’m just realizing to what extent I came to live these lyrics of songs wherein women become like a religion to men, this ‘unattainable’ object of desire. And I had quite a moment just hours ago when I was scraping through the topic wherein one of those men that I had experienced such ‘tantalizing’ toward just suddenly sent an email out of nowhere in years, which made me react only in a sudden laughter while thinking ‘oh fuck what am I doing!?’ I can say that this is one of the weak-points wherein, as I’ve said before, the ground is not yet cemented and I realize that there is certainly a lot to learn and walk within this aspect of human relationships.

 

So for a moment I was a bit stuck within this writing because I knew that this is one of those nitty gritty points that I could deem as me being absolutely evil toward some men in my past. I also realized how I had victimized myself in my head more than what it was in reality in terms of relationships,  due to me manipulating memories to suit my martyrdom when in fact, I would put another through quite a hell of a ride with my jaded nature toward their ‘feelings’ when it all would come to an end – wherein I would be moving on and they would be still seeking out for that same experience somehow. I created some arrogance within me out of that and mirrored myself in relationships wherein that power game would not recede into submission, but was kept as a one on one, a ‘perfect match’ in terms of keeping the power game alive.

 

And so, this is just the ‘tip of the iceberg’ to debunk Marlen von Tease because I became so used to such experience that I would eventually not even notice, until it was really really obvious and absolutely deliberate to go fully into it, which indicates a fucked up way to begin any relationship with –therefore, a lot to give back to myself in order to stop the desire for these ‘sparks in life’ for the sake of some variety show in our day to day living.

 

The interesting point is how after I stopped participating in what I would have deemed an obvious and certain flirting corresponding that being while walking/ passing by, was me perceiving myself as asexual, dead or even wondering if I seem like such a detached person or plain lesbian. So, fascinating to see how when I stop participating I immediately perceived myself as ‘inert,’ and immediately obviously realizing how it was simply a trick of the mind to then feel ‘odd’ and create an entire mindfuck out of it – which is obviously not necessary. It’s simply realizing the ‘withdrawal symptoms’ after I’d been so used to always participate in these seemingly ‘fleeting moments in my reality’ that we apparently don’t ‘pay much attention to,’ without ever really wanting to look at them and understand the level of identification and personality is held within these power games.

 

I guess that listening to songs like Supervixen shaped quite a chunk of my views about women and men and these tantalization process- you can hear cryptic words that I gave meanings to, all obviously related to this power that women can have toward males as you can read in the comment section below the lyrics to it.

 

It’s never really about another, it’s only us being vampires by using another’s image to such ourselves dry with creating an experience out of another in an almost irrational manner, let’s call it ‘automated vampirism’ for the purpose of seeing it as the program it is to keep an energy-sucking system alive.  

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to learn at a very young age that women were able to have men ‘at their feet’ due to this ability to use a woman’s ‘charms’ to get the most attention and in that, creating within myself an energetic experience that would make me feel ‘good’ about myself, which means that I deliberately participated in teasing men in surreptitious ways wherein I knew that I could tantalize someone for the sake of experiencing ‘power’ over another.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to rejoice when being able to intimidate another being for the sake of weighing myself as superior, as having the ability to instigate a certain reaction on another as that would mean that ‘I was able to push their buttons’ and so, use it for my personal benefit to add-up to my score of being this witty smart ass girl that could not be easily fooled, which was only a game inside my head anyways, because I definitely experienced the exact opposite when the time came for me to really live it in a form of relationship.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever participate in the energetic reward of flirting through teasing another with physical movements that would suggest interest and attention, simply because of how ‘I’ would experience myself about it, which indicates that it was never really about another – therefore

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to use only another person as a image to develop these power games within my mind, where the female had the man ‘at her feet’ and I that, following the ideas of how women were able to astonish an entire crowd if the right moves, the right voice, the right hand movements, the right clothes were fitted into a sellable package wherein any positive feedback about it, would allow me to fulfill the intended experience of flirting/ teasing in an ‘innocent manner.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just get an energetic kick out of realizing that I enjoyed talking in cryptic manners where people would not be able to fully understand what I had to say, and in that seeing if I could instigate an experience of powerlessness within them, I had then the right to support such diminishment by following their own reactions and blowing them out of proportion –all this done in a seemingly playful manner within me, without realizing the actual effects this could case within another, because I was only considering my experience and energetic kick in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get a sense of power over others whenever I could say something that would be similar to playing a poker game wherein I knew exactly what effect my words would get in the moment, in this becoming like a vampire that would suck out the moment that the projected and expected reaction came up, as in my mind I would say: I knew it, I was right, everyone’s so predictable – without realizing that all such games were a literal mindfuck between me and my own mind, wherein I would get a kick out of these experiences in a very subtle yet addictive manner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in subtle yet deliberate games of gaining attention from males, wherein I sought to create/trigger an effect/reaction on another, which would in response create an experience within me that I could feel ‘good’ about as that sensation of being ‘more’ through instigating a reaction within others which is seeking attention but within the context of a sexual nature.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adopt ways of perceiving and categorizing men that I learned from lyrics in music written by these ‘strong-female characters’ that I idolized, wherein I learned about the thrill of being able to tease men and have men ‘at your feet/ bowing down to you’ wherein I simply adopted this way of thinking which made me part of the people that thought that females ‘had the control’ because of the sexual desires that are able to be instigated with ‘great ease,’ by using the female flirt and teasing as a way to power up or light up a certain ‘sparkle’ in another that will keep them ‘coming back for more.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever rejoice in being able to diminish and be rather cruel toward men that I knew couldn’t ‘get back at me’ because ‘I am a female, I am powerful and I can’t be dissed by a male’ – in this I recognize that I used the ‘female character’ and characteristics as a shield to be able to get a kick out of teasing men in subtle ways, wherein I would just enjoy the experience from the answers I would get which were those of paying attention to myself in a way that would make me feel ‘wanted’ and ‘desired’ and ‘accepted’ yet using demeaning ways to get such attention.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play these power games within the consideration that ‘I am a female and I can have power over a male,’ while playing the ‘strong’ and ‘powerful’ woman, when in reality, I would diminish and go into the opposite whenever I would deem that the man was ‘more powerful’ than I was – I see and realize that these ‘power games’ between male and female are part of the usual mind-games that use a sexual-attraction in a secretive/ subtle way, so that each one is able to keep the necessary ‘pose’ in place and still get the energetic kick out of experiencing ourselves as either good for having power over another or miserable when being ‘at the bottom.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that because I am a woman, I am the one that is ‘dominated’ by a male, while in fact I did play the role of using the female character as a way to play the dominant role, through instigating a desire that I would then use as a ‘reward’ which I would increase my ego with, within feeding another’s obsessions and my obsessions to keep myself occupied within these mind games that I would give my power away to, believing that I was feeding only another’s obsessions to keep them eating from my hand, neglecting the fact that it all happened in my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use myself as a way to trigger experiences in another that could be regarded as ‘compliments’ in a subtle manner, wherein I would only instigate reactions without following through the entire relationship game, which means that I would only keep the ‘suspense’ in place for the sake of continuing that power game, until it would run out/ fade out and the interest would recede until it was simply not fed any longer.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become an idea of a femme fatale that would enjoy  seeing men suffer, within the belief/ idea/ perception that men had dominated women for so long that it was ‘my time’ to ‘take revenge’ and in that, becoming part of the incipient feminism that I would see on TV/ media/ music world and in that, believing that it’s cool to tantalize men and that’s it, like getting someone drunk and high for a moment without giving any further steps to follow all the way through what such flirting/ teasing usually leads to in the ‘normal world.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever enjoy being able to tease men that were ‘my friends’ just because of wanting to debunk their entire façade of being ‘strong men’ toward the rest of the people, and in that, feel better about myself for being able to expose this that I deemed the ‘real them’ while in fact I was only doing it because of the excitement and enjoyment that ‘I’ would get from ‘grounding someone’ that ‘bossy’ or ‘arrogant’ – yet without really considering what type of energy I was getting from such events as only creations and power games in my own mind.

 

Yesterday I went past a man that I would have had a reaction to as an attraction, wherein you experience that fuzzy feeling in your stomach and I was aware right before it manifested, hence I deliberately breathed and didn’t participate in the moment wherein I had become an automated flirt toward men that I would have a visual reaction to, without considering what such ‘innocent flirt’ or ‘teasing’ can lead-to by just participating in this game with looking back at another or doing a single physical movement that indicates that ‘the game is on.’

In this I realize that I had become an automated participant of these teasing games wherein it became like a hobby for me to do so, when I deemed that it was ‘worth it’ to play the game – yet getting quite scared of the person getting the ‘wrong message’ and going ‘too far’ with perceiving the entire power-game to be more serious than what I deemed as simple innocent and ‘almost non perceptible’ ways in which I could still tantalize someone, yet not engage into further ‘problems.’ Which lead me to eventually having to stop some of those ‘friendships’ in a cold-manner, because of realizing that I had been giving/sending ‘the wrong message’ all the way, wherein I then deemed myself as ‘too innocent’ and ‘not knowing what I was doing.’

 

All of this proves that the lack of communication between human beings in a direct, straightforward manner ensues misunderstandings and assumptions that can lead to events that are certainly not necessary if the points are straight from the beginning. By this I mean that whenever we engage within participating in these ‘usual/ casual flirts,’ we take responsibility for whatever comes after that, and in most cases it would lead me to have to distantiate myself from such beings in my world, because of them going ‘too far’ within the belief of ‘who I was’ or ‘what I was up to,’ which is how I realized that I could not go around just instigating others to believe that I was ‘sending a message’ as in deliberately teasing them to get a response for them for ‘something else,’ instead of me simply seeking the attention and appraise gotten in the moment and the reaction I would experience out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever get infuriated if another female would do the same because then the entire ‘power game’ would be against another ‘me’ that could do the same and in that, lose my place within such being’s world, eventually just stepping aside and diminishing myself to a non-existent place within ‘their world.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I am a powerful woman that can control men’ wherein I actually got to live out the exact opposite as a result of me having diminished myself within an actual relationship, wherein I see and realize that it was not always as I remember or have manipulated the relationship to be within my mind. I realize that I have blamed others for how I have experienced myself, while in fact I was actually quite rude and cruel at times toward them.

And it’s interesting to see how I had hid in the back of my head these memories of seeing that I was ‘really hurting men’ because of a ‘bad experience’ that I had as the first relationship wherein I called a relationship a failure without even really starting, which was my way of ‘washing my hands’ when seeing that I was not getting the expected energetic experience within me out of another. It was really not about ‘the other’ but what I had built and created as the idea of another inside my head for my personal benefit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and guilty for having cheated beings within relationships, simply because I was not getting enough ‘energetic highs’ out of just one being.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I actually had any power over other, when in fact it as just me imposing myself as these ideas of ‘who I am’ and instigating reactions which are no different to putting up a fight to get the reactions/ experience of having the power to make another react in a way that I can feel ‘good’ about myself, feeling ‘more’ or ‘powerful.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ‘bad’ for this because of realizing what type of secretive and seemingly-innocent power games I’d play, wherein any interaction with males that I would deem as ‘attractive,’ I would use as a way to fabricate my own little game to get some energy going on out of it an entertain myself in my day to day living.

 

I commit myself to stop participating in these momentary ‘fleeting flirting moments’ that recharge this entire personality of the ‘supervixen,’ to finally establish a point of equality toward people in my world, where I make sure I do not participate in any form of energetic game or experience when being with another, as I realize that within energy there is a point of separation and a point of relationship created, which usually leads us to the usual outcomes of up and down to be eventually non-existent in our world, thus going out for more.

 

I commit myself to deliberately stop myself whenever I see myself seeking a similar experience in other ways wherein the personality of being a female overrides the point of equality toward men, and in that, creating an entire set of consequences within such power games of separation. I realize that we have all agreed to ‘play these games’ wherein I was not even aware to what extent such ‘flirts’ or correspondences would be interpreted as something way-out beyond my initial intention, which is what would cause some disruption within me when finding out what I was getting myself into.

 

So, I commit myself to expose these seemingly ‘innocent power games’ that are in fact keeping entire personalities in place within ourselves, wherein we become just another bolt waiting to be ejected by having any point of fuel to be catapulted. I see that who I am is able to not participate and still remain here, regardless of any initial thought of ‘fearing losing my experience’ which is that of flirting and creating this rather primitive way of establishing relationships with the opposite sex.

 

I realize that in order for us to stand as equals, all power games must cease to exist – and all identities as roles within society of being more than and less than in a sexist manner, are only that, labels, beliefs, ideas that do not support life and what’s best for all, but perpetuate a self-definition within energy that is Not who we really are.

 

I commit myself to never again engage in relationships of flirting or sending out ‘wrong messages’ which implies participating in my world without giving into the experience of winning/ losing, feeling good/ bad about myself/ others in any given moment.

 

I breathe, I self forgive and let go of this all unconditionally, as they all were only memories in my head.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Ode to femeninity

Ode to Femininity (2004)

 

More on  Energy-Sucking Matters in this Reality, supporting ourselves to stop all life degradation trips:

Great interviews for further support on understanding what these energetic-drives eventually create in one’s reality:

Day 23: E-cummulation

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become a being that will only ‘accept myself’ / my ‘who I am’ based on the extent/amount of energy-experience I accumulate/manifest as consume within/as myself”

Sunette Spies Accept and Allow – the Contract with Death: DAY 22

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my beingness as a limitation, a caging of self-expression into a confinement called experience wherein who I am was reduced to being a single word as the name of an experience that I could identify as ‘who I am,’ in order to think, believe and perceive that ‘this is who I am’ and according to such definition, thinking ‘I am alive’ –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never question or even ponder about the experiences that I became so automated to seek, such as a sense of satisfaction, a single thrill from going to places, meeting people, hearing music, watching/ observing the world wherein I created relationships as experiences wherein all that I would ever experience is myself as my own programmed energetic reactions as the definitions that I created in order to make me feel ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with anything/ anyone in my world in order to keep myself occupied in a constant experience that I created about something/ someone as that constant fueling ‘toward’/ in the expectation of an experience within a certain event, within consuming something, within meeting someone, within going to a certain place, within buying something wherein it would always feel better to exists in such anticipation that would eventually wane once that such expectation was fulfilled in either a positive or negative result, and within this experience the ups and downs of my self created patterns of experiences that I defined myself as ‘living for.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always seek a crutch to keep living/ keep going in my reality – whether it was waiting for school to end, waiting for vacations, waiting for a concert, wanting to meet someone, waiting to ‘be older’ and always future projecting these events that I would accumulate energy toward and when such events would be gone/ fulfilled/ completed, I would go just like a vampire seeking for another ‘energy source’ for my next high to accumulate energy to eventually have it dissipate once that the ‘target was met’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a moment/ experience builder wherein through giving meaning and values to everything and everyone around me, I crafted my own networks of energetic resources to ‘sip from’ – and within this it is to be understood how we have not in fact ever lived, because we have only sought to get high from energy and energetic experiences in either a positive, negative or neutral spectrum wherein we are constantly feeding a ‘state of mind’ that is kept as a constant thinking in our heads and in that, not being aware of what is it that I am in fact doing to myself, because I cannot see how thoughts that I create require energy to exist and such energy is sipped from the food that I consume as the physical resources in order to keep my ‘personal mind-heaven’ going as a constant experience-seeker.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the relationships that I had formed toward people/ things/ places/ past and present because of thinking that I would be ‘dead’ as a ‘vegetable,’ without realizing that who I am as Life doesn’t require and in fact is violated/ abused the moment that we use it and denigrate its wholeness as substance into a single energetic experience wherein I am defining myself as that experience that I believe is ‘fulfilling’ and ‘satisfactorily’ which is how  I accepted and allowed to continue ‘building up experiences’ as memories that I could keep in my mind to continue my dreams and desires going, believing that I was doing ‘no harm’ in following these experiences, even though I was aware of how the effect of such highs would lead me to a low that I would seek to get back on top again, and in that allow myself to exist in this vicious cycle of ups and downs and believing that when I was in a ‘neutral’ state, I was ‘stable’ no realizing that I was still simply waiting in the middle ground to have some positive or negative experience to wind up my energetic self-experience again.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge the point of ‘stopping the mind’ as being dead and being ‘idle’ without realizing that the idleness that I would experience was self-created through thinking patterns of not getting ‘enough’ positive experiences and not being able to take me down to the bottom of the extreme negative out of fear of who I would become-  therefore idleness was a constant state of seeking and fearing myself as experiences, that I would cover up or maintain in a perceived ‘nothingness’ status quo, without realizing that I was in fact thinking myself into it, and still only defining myself as that experience of ‘nothingness’ without realizing that I was not really Here, breathing as my physical body – I was simply in a limbo position wherein self-direction was non existent.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self direction and self-will to the will of who I am as what I have defined myself within the context of experiences as positive, negative and evidently neutral experiences wherein my beingness became a ‘state of being,’ wherein ‘who I am’ became a single definition according to ‘how I am experiencing myself’ and in this, never really considering that the physicality that I am and exist as is in fact the reality of myself – simply because of having accepted these energetic experiences as ‘who I am,’ and within this perceiving breathing, being here as being dead. The world is in reverse.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into moments of yearning to ‘experience’ something which is just like a drug addict that yearns to have another fix, just because of realizing to what extent we have defined who we are according to an experience, a rush, an ‘elevation’ that can only last for so long wherein the rest of this reality is absolutely side viewed and disregarded, because I accepted and allowed myself to only care about me, my satisfaction and this becoming part of the army of egotism as a ‘lifestyle’ wherein we as human being compete against each other, create deliberate conflict in order to be on top of others, deliberate cheat and lie to become ‘better’ than others in our own minds – and i f such results are not fulfilled, we veer to a negative reinforcement wherein the opposite experiences are embraced in order to get the same energetic experience yet within a not so popular way of creating our own personal heaven, which is how paraphilias and so called mental fetishisms are created, as such ‘special relationships’ that are not broadly accepted as ways to trigger out emotions/ feelings just the same way that light and love is broadly accepted as an energy trigger.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could not be ‘someone’ unless  I was valued, worthy, recognized, appraised by others which meant that without the experiences that I would get from such relationships, I would perceive myself as non-existent, just because of the extent that I had delegated everything that I am as a physical breathing human body to only be running on energetic experiences at a mind level, wherein suffering or any perceived depression was equally satisfactory in a reversed manner, wherein I would get a kick out of that which is gloomy and depressive and sad/ dismal/ lugubrious/ obscure – without ever considering that I was living just the opposite side of seeking happiness, bliss, love, light and all the positive aspects that I deemed as ‘socially acceptable,’ which meant that my energetic-drive was a constant opposition toward that which was socially acceptable as good/ benevolent, which came from me designing myself a deliberate disruption to a perceived perfect world and stable environment, which means that

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always want to get an energetic experience the moment that I perceived that ‘nothing was going on,’ which asserted me as only being ‘existent’ and ‘alive’ if I was desiring, looking forward to, expecting, seeking, wanting, desiring, as these energetic hooks that I would extend to something/ someone in order to keep that mind-relationship in place that I could use at any given moment to trigger a positive or negative experience out of, without ever realizing that I was merely confirming that negative experienced that ensued the moment that I separated myself form the whole in this individualization of ‘who I am’ as only a definition, an idea of self, a set of preferences and dislikes that can only exists as a particular configuration of ‘who I am’ wherein all actions, thoughts, deeds had a calculated outcome/ effect according to my input/ placing myself as the cause to obtain a result, which is what lead me to become like a hunter or a vampire in my reality wherein everything that I would say/ do/ think and live out would be in order to get an experience out of what I perceived others would do/ say/ convey as a result of my input, wherein I became an actual energy-hunter with strategies and energy-triggers that I embodied as ‘who I am,’ in order to get people’s attention and at the same time, be rejecting such attention which is the typical love-hate polarity game that we play in order to keep our poles as energetic devices that run on energy, which is what I used my physical body to do, just an energy transformer to fulfill my mind-elations.

 

 

“we’ve become beings within existence, that only exist for as long as we can power/empower ourselves from/of the transforming of our beingness substance into/as Energy – limiting the ‘time’ of our existence to the equation of the relationship between our substance and the consuming of that substance into energy. Where in the very nature/manifestation within ourselves as manifested-singularities in the beginning, we’d come into being as an individualized part/expression of/as substance, but immediately proceed with the processes of consuming our own substance/life and transforming it into energy. And as we continue within that process, we’re consuming our own ‘life’.” Sunette Spies [a]

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get used to being constantly seeking and experiencing ‘something’ as giving name to that self-created and maintained experience at a mind level toward my reality and people wherein within this self-idealization as separate from the rest, all that was left for me to do is giving names, categorizing, assessing, valuing, devaluing this reality into a way that I could claim was ‘my own life’ as ‘my opinion’ about the world, as ‘my perspective’ as ‘my mind’ that I sought to have people ‘respect’ because I had taken the time to dissociate myself in specific elitist manners wherein not everything/ everyone could be part of my ‘specialized world’ in my mind wherein only ‘special beings’ and ‘special people’ and ‘special traits’ would be regarded as worthy of being in my mind-trophy wall of points that would make me feel good about myself/ others and the world as a point of relationship/ separation from who I really am, wherein I was making the statement of ‘I am an individual that exists as this specific configuration of separation as relationships that trigger a positive or negative experience within me, wherein I am nothing else but these experiences that I get from naming, identifying, judging, valuing, assessing others and everything in separation of myself, which is how I had lived as a knowledge and information robot that disregarded the very life essence that would allow such thoughts, such schemes, such experiences to continue as thoughts  in my head that would turn into experiences that would turn into ‘who I am’ in any given moment.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to live for and drive myself to seek the most ‘original ways’ as usually understood as that desire to be as ‘singular/ special/ unique’ as possible wherein deliberate fascinations as relationships to what which wasn’t ‘socially acceptable/ embraced’ became ‘my point of fascination’ wherein I believed that I was ‘unlike anyone else’ because no one that I knew would have the same likes and preferences, and in this, I felt ‘special’ and ‘rivalry-safe’ wherein anyone that could seemingly present a similar pattern of likes/ preferences in my world, I would immediately identify as a potential rival/ enemy that I had to overcome and out-do in any possible way, which implied I had to go a notch higher to identify myself with a more ‘extreme’ version of that which defined ‘who I am’ in order to always be able to remain as a ‘winner’ within the idea of who I am toward my environment and others in it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always put all effort, time and money to make of any experience within my life something that I could call ‘memorable’ as the creation and energy-input that I would give in order to get the most ‘fulfilling effect’ out of it, as a memory that I could keep/ cherish for further ‘remembrance’ as in being able to re-live that energy as ‘who I am’ in any given moment, just like the mechanism of revamping experiences through memories and get the same ‘experience’ that I had initially decided I would imprint such memory with, wherein my memories became ‘my life,’ the definition of me as events, people, places, words, things as the e-ccumulation of myself as this energized personality as my ego, as ‘my precious’ that I had carefully crafted in order to eventually, someday, be ‘proud of who I am’ as a lifetime achievement of these positive experiences that could make me feel like ‘more’ than who I am as the simplicity of a physical body here, that I never ever regarded as the actuality of who I really am, and instead having lived the exact opposite wherein ‘all that I was’ was this collection of memories, events, experiences that I could re-live/ re-vamp through bringing the memory here and getting the same energetic experience out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that ‘who I am’ is this accumulation of energy as memories, experiences and ideas of myself in order to eventually be able to judge my life as successful, miserable or plain/ dull according to the expectations as dreams that I had set up for myself while growing up, wherein the pursuit of happiness was reinforced in school when having to write about our future and ‘where would we see ourselves in’ wherein if one would not achieve such dreams, I would deem my life as a failure; without realizing that it is within these future projections to ‘fulfill my dreams’ that I accepted and allowed myself to continue supporting the same system of incentives and rewards as ‘living’ wherein the accumulation of ‘who I am’ can be eventually considered as a successful living or not within my own mind and at the eyes of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘miss out on life’ because of constantly talking myself into an experience and seeking for some experience deliberately either positive or negative but ‘experiencing’ something as I feared my non-thinking and non-existence as not being experiencing something, which is the exact opposite of what is actually real, wherein being here breathing, moment by moment is living and any diversion from the physical moment as breathing, is indicating me a point of relationship as an experience that I have created within myself in separation of who I am.

I realize that within being here as a whole, I don’t require to ‘accept’ myself as something as I am it, – therefore I see the importance of walking all past relationships as the very manifestation of separation-codes that I created toward ‘others’ in my reality as a reference of my relationships toward everything/ everyone to keep my ‘personality’ in place, wherein I had to ‘have an opinion’ have an experience toward everything and everyone in order to be able to ‘relate to them,’ which was diminishing ‘who I am’ as a character seeking to establish relationships of acceptance/ rejection of others in separation of self, a complete cycle of segregation from the wholeness that I have neglected as who I really am.

 

I commit myself to walk my relationships as the point of responsibility that I hold toward myself as the whole as the points that I have created and deliberately participated in ensuing separation within the acceptance of me as a character/ personality/ ego that ‘had to’ have an experience toward reality, otherwise I would be seen as ‘character-less’ and ‘bland’ and ‘dead’ which is how I accepted to play the games of society to always be either in a positive or a negative experience for the sake of complying to what we have socially accepted as ‘living’ as being either happy/ fulfilled/positive experience or miserable/ depressed/negative experience, as the polarities that would invariably go up and down in each being’s life in order to maintain a polarized reality that would generate enough energy to keep our ‘heaven’ in place as a custom-made paradise that would apparently fulfill our dreams/ our lives as a reward of living an accumulation of good deeds within the score-kept to eventually believe that I could be ‘more’ at the end of my life than who I really am, which is ludicrous in nature – yet as real as the consequences/ effect of my initial belief within this energetic system as ‘who I am.’

 

I commit myself to walk the necessary writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to walk my relationships as points of separation into ‘giving back to myself’ as the reintegration of myself as who I really am wherein all reactions created toward ‘another’ are recognized as self and as such, given-back to finally stop participating in generating energy to continue living as a e-ccumulation of experiences as ‘who I am,’ which is correcting my living from ego/ as energy experiences into an earthing-grounding-birthing myself as a physical being that does not require to thrive on energy to exist – but only establish equal agreements toward everything and everyone within the necessary relationships that we are currently existing as Life in this reality.

 

That implies that a practical way to stop all friction, all positive reinforcement and negative devaluing is through equalizing Money in this reality to finally recognize each other as equal-parts of who I am, as equal-cells of the body that I exist as wherein I realize within common sense how it is the only way that we can continue living in this world, otherwise cancer is created as an over-growth that indicates negligence toward the whole as who I am. For this the Equal Money System is the solution that will equalizing the playing field within humanity to start acknowledging each other as equals, while walking our individual processes of re-educating ourselves to grasp, understand and live the law of our being as equality as a living realization of who we really are.

 

 

I realize that keeping myself within the existence of ‘who I am’ as energy, I am ensuring my own depletion as keeping my ego in place implies I must consume the earth to exist as I am defining the ‘who I am’ in separation of the whole, which is how this reality has become the egofication as the fixations that we created and accepted as ourselves within our minds as experiences toward all in separation of ourselves. Thus for me to establish an equal and one recognition, I set agreements wherein no abuse is possible as such separation will recede as I walk a process of self-forgiveness to give myself back to myself, reintegrating myself to all the parts that I have defined myself in separation of.

 

 

Last Man on Earth

Last Man on Earth 2009

“The World-System of Money is consuming the very life of/as this physical existence, only because it’s on an existential scale it takes longer than what we do within ourselves and our own human physical bodies, where instead of this existence being manifested within the equal and one support of life and living – the World-System of Money is consuming this physical existence to its slow, sure but certain death. Rotting ourselves away from the inside and out, as we have become the very enzymes within our relationship to substance/physical as our relationships creations of energy that deteriorate and break-down substance/physical-tissue for our own survival as Energy-Consuming machines: Rotting ourselves away within and without – instead of standing equal-to and one with substance/physicality to produce life/living…” Accept and Allow – the Contract with Death: DAY 22

 

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Day 21: Absorbing Music Media as a Child

A turning point in my life was getting cable TV when I was 7 years old. A window opened up toward a world that I had only been exposed in a light manner to, which was idolizing music artists from as early as age 3 and making this my way of having fun when it came to dancing and singing.  So when I was 7  I chose a form of entertainment that was not the average child-treat,  it was watching music videos and exposing myself to all of these images and music that ‘truly fascinated me’ at the time – i n other words, I would be hypnotized in front of the TV.

 

I decided to open up this point as I heard that Adam Yauch is dead, and he happened to be one of those men that I first realized I ‘liked’ at that age just by mere presentation. Later on following the Beastie’s career and perceiving him as the ‘serious’ Beastie Boy, being a Buddhist, supporting activism like ‘Free Tibet’ and probably responsible for presenting the more ‘humane’ side to the media from the band, as well as being a music video director and the author of that rocking bass riff on Sabotage which is one of the songs that first drove me nuts as a child. This type of ‘sensitivity’ and humanitarian side within artists going for activism was an extra point I wanted to do, as I also waned to ‘do good’ but never knew how, and if if hadn’t been for Desteni, I would have mostly become a Zen Buddhism sucker myself supporting some charity programs on the way – if possible.

So, I’ll use that as a reference to build also ideas about ‘who I want to be’ in the future, which due to my extensive exposure to music and videos, I knew it had to do something with music– I went from wanting to be a musician, to a music journalist, a writer then a visual artist.

“I commit myself to demonstrate how the greed of self-interest forms the foundation of the philosophy of the soul. “ Bernard Poolman

 

I wanted to be as ‘free’ as I perceived people on TV/ music industry which is obviously linked to them having a life in a million with a million in their pocket,  where all fame and glory is bursting at their feet. I could ‘sense’ the power that they would ooze when being performing. Music was always ‘the point’ within my life wherein I said many times ‘music saved my life’ just because for many years I did not care about anything o anyone other than listening to music, playing guitar and being immersed in my watercolor world, which smells like the perfect teen spirit that is brewing entire generations of ‘I don’t give a fuck about life’ in our reality, where everyone is just aiming to mimic the next greatest act in a furtive attempt to become famous in any way possible.

 

Therefore, I am proof of how anything that you get exposed to as child, you absorb and eventually end up molding yourself to achieve, according to the stereotypes that I would watch on TV, specifically musicians. So, the ‘music artist’ type of personality was developed at this early age – I grew up with MTV and I got exposed to so much bullshit that lead me to be more ‘open minded’ about life in general which was ‘cool’ from the sense that it allowed me to cope with ‘reality’ as our current culture with more ease, however I lead myself to want to ‘experience ‘that lifestyle’ as well.

 

Before I ever sought God or dedicated enough time to seek for the mysteries on life, I would spend my time being in la la land dreaming about music, about becoming an artist and profiling myself to achieve that type of lifestyle that I knew that was mostly impossible as a one in a million chance – but hey, it was all about the ‘attitude’ and having a ‘good time’ while dreaming about it.

 

An interview that really brought my feet back to the ground in the past weeks was Seeing the Good when only the Bad Prevails as it is about a musician that points out to change this world we have to stick to what must be done, and not what we like or would prefer to do at the moment. And that allowed me to also see how I had blamed myself for not being following too much in the artwork but being actually busy redefining ‘art’ as myself – therefore, no pressure as this is all about self-realization wherein I cannot possibly define me only as a single ‘tag’ in this world – hell no.

 

And so, this was the foundation of my ‘philosophy in life’ attempting to accumulate the most experiences for my own pleasure and benefit, getting closer to god in any way I could, even if this god meant watching endless hours of music videos absorbing the reality of such individuals that I simply wanted to live like as well. No wonder we have all kids wanting to be famous and artists nowadays, and or explicitly singing along to songs like wanting to be a millionaire and being rich girls,  it’s all directly proportional to the amount of media exposure you have.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to absorb anything that I would watch on MTV as a source of inspiration to ‘build my life upon,’ which means that I accepted and allowed the idea of being famous and recognized, along with having a great ‘attitude’ as a source of inspiration to ‘fulfill my dreams,’ which weren’t taking into consideration anything or anyone else but my own desires to be happy and ‘free’ within the idealized version of myself I would create from watching other artists as well.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a musician was ‘my dream’ and that I would be able to make a lot of money from ‘doing what I like,’ which is the type of thinking that has compromised ourselves to neglect the actual reality in this world wherein we have to do and direct ourselves to live/do/ act upon that which we might not necessarily ‘prefer’ or initially ‘enjoy’ doing – yet it is required to be done, otherwise I have realized that I cannot enjoy myself just ‘creating’ and ‘having a good time’ while knowing that a single other being in this world that doesn’t even have money to eat is wondering why the hell us people with money are doing nothing to support them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create and follow dreams of fame and fortune when I was a child from watching artists, and considering that ‘this was an acceptable easy way to live,’ as I perceived that it would be easy to make money/ be famous from doing what you like, which is the type of thinking within this ‘dreamer’ personality that I followed when I decided to make an art career and making myself believe that ‘it would be easy to support myself in it’ – yet never actually walking the necessary steps and practical points to actually make a living out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to idolize people that represented freedom, carelessness, humor and strength as confidence,  as an entire package of ‘fame’ and ‘fortune’ which is what I sought as well in order to experience myself as, because of how I would see them express themselves when giving interviews and talking about how ‘great’ their lives were, in this believing that it is perfectly ‘fine’ to want to fulfill my dreams of fame and fortune, because ‘everyone else is doing it! So why can’t we?’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘make it okay’ to follow my mind into dreaming about fame and fortune, which were the first steps to only create a personalized continuous drive to ‘become someone in this world’ wherein I thought that making money and being famous and ‘having a place in the world’ would lead me to create some form of influence on others to ‘change the world.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that music could change the world, that a work of art could ‘change the world,’ I see and remember how I built and acquired these ideas from the endless times I would hear artists and their stories about being just regular people getting together to play, getting signed and ‘living out their dreams,’ which seemed fairly simple to myself and in that, pursuing a career wherein I could live out a similar life wherein you are not exactly in a regular job within the system, but still earning lots of money.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to ponder if I would have desired to be an artist or a musician or anything else for that matter if there was no money involved at all? My mind says yes, but I cannot trust it as that would come from an ingrained judgment toward making money out of my artwork so, not recommended to hear these thoughts wherein I essentially allowed my ‘career’ to become another attempt to escape the system.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to value artists as ‘more than everyone else in the world’ because of perceiving them as ‘fighters’ for what they wanted to be and become, and for being open minded and activists, which lead me to become aware of how there could be apparently some ‘effect’ within such fame-fortune positions to mitigate the problems in the world if/when reaching such status in the world, never knowing how this entire reality was set up in such a bright way to ensure that we would always fall for that which seemed like ‘sweet’ to live and experience ourselves in. In my case, the desire to be a musician, an artist became stronger the more I was preparing myself to eventually be part of this ‘artsy music’ world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop the ideas and acceptances of ‘idolizing’ wherein I became infatuated with musicians and their lives, studying their lives and wanting to have some sort of ‘out of nowhere’ knock on my door to make me famous, just as some of them would tell about in their personal stories around music.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that because everyone dreamed of having all the money in the world, being ‘the best’ and doing anything possible to achieve that, I could also only focus on living up and aspire to become part of such ‘easy lifestyle’ wherein it seemed much easier to live out of creating art, making music or writing than anything else in this world, which is how I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to only being a certain ‘idea’ that would then experience frustration and dissatisfaction when this ‘dream’ would seem like something beyond myself, which I deliberately ignored and still went for it, because of believing that I could somehow ‘find my way’ while being in it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to disregard taking into consideration the practical steps that are required to participate within this world in a suitable position to create enough financial stability to then consider that I am actually ‘building my life,’ instead I allowed myself to use a career choice and preferences as a point that I followed with no practical considerations or regard toward actually supporting a point in this world that would benefit the whole and not only myself and my pursuit of happiness.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make it ‘okay’ to aspire to be someone with ‘lots of money’ without ever regarding why are we even following and chasing after money, when in fact all that is here as myself can agree that the current relationships we have created as this entire world system, are Not benefitting everyone equally. So, we require to create the new standard wherein we finally understand that we can only continue living in this world if each one takes responsibility for one point within the world to benefit the whole, to correct the relationships of self-interest and self-glorification into actual reforms and changes within our starting point, ensuring that we live by the principle of what’s best for All as life in Equality.

 

I commit myself to educate myself and others about the actual conditions that are imprinted within a child at a tender age when being exposed to media without any practical considerations of what is it that is being promoted and the reasons behind the support toward such activities that support the ‘pursuit of happiness’ with no regard whatsoever to what this dream-seeking position supports in this world.

 

I commit myself to create a world wherein media is no longer driven by money/ profit and indoctrination to accept ‘wealth’ and ‘fame’ as the standards promoted from a very young age within a child, which are being the key factors that have ensured that all kids aim to ‘be famous’ and eventually ‘be on TV’ just because of how ‘being rich/ being wealthy’ has been associated with happiness, glory, bliss and the ultimate apparent fulfillment within a world system where money has become it all within a human being’s life. I realize that I must expose the fallacies we’ve been living by and make sure that no money is ever promoted as a ‘lifestyle’ in this world, but instead becomes the way to provide life in equality for all.

 

I commit myself to expose the brainwashing that children undergo by seemingly ‘innocent activities’ such as watching any regular entertainment on TV, wherein programs are being perfectly crafted to instill patterns of consumerism and hierarchical values that become part of the inherent acceptances within children, wherein someone that is on ‘TV’ is seen as a semi-god while seeing the rest of the world as ‘not as good as/ not good enough’ in comparison to the fictional reality of fame, fortune and apparent ‘freedom’ that is presented in bright photoshopped versions of what ‘life’ is supposed to be.

 

The only way that real entertainment will emerge is when there is no money behind it, no matter how ‘good’ artist’s intentions have been, there’s been no ‘change’ in the world coming from that, as this world requires an overall participation of each individual within the consideration that life can only exist in Equality if we ALL participate equally to create a world that is best for all.

 

 

2003

 

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Day 13: The Mind as Self-Creation Buddy

When removing this entire attachment/ hold toward my personality, what remains is aspects that I can live as who I am without keeping it as something that I manifest through an energetic relationship toward. An example can be how most – if not all – have something that we want to ‘hide’ because of all the memories and past experiences that lead us to shape and create ‘who I am’ as a personality that has a particular set of preferences, habits, behavior and experience toward the world. So, instead of continuing defining me as such differences and categorization as an individual in contrast to others, I can potentiate the words/ aspects that I see and realize I am able to expand and implement as ‘who I am’ by correcting the starting point of such relationships in a self-supportive manner.

 

“I commit myself to – practically utilize my Mind Consciousness System  in/as my processes of/as writing/self-forgiveness and self corrective application, to assist/support me with identifying/exposing/revealing my accepted and allowed self-separation from/of all as me, as I see/realise/understand that the Mind has become the embodiment of/as all the relationships I had created/manifested in/as separation of/as me.” [1] Sunette Spies

 

This is a key-point here as the Mind is our direct and explicit in-detail map to see where and how we have directly separated ourselves from within this physical reality, it’s like your Google Earth wherein we can actually use it to become really specific in our creation process as an equalized being.

 

Each one of us walks a different ‘path of separation,’ and in that, we are all equally and one walking the process of correcting the relationships of separation toward ‘the whole,’ which means that each one is walking different aspects of self that we have separated ourselves from, according to the energetic experiences a definitions we have imprinted to everything and everyone that we have deemed as separated from self.

 

A quick example when I realized this in the past – yet in a very rudimentary mode – is how when we established words to ‘name’ everything and everyone in separation of ourselves, we immediately differentiate ourselves ‘from that which we name.’ The moment we have a tag/ label/ name toward something/ someone it became a relationship that creates an experience that is different/ unique to each person, as each person has only ever really experienced ‘themselves’/ ourselves as our mind, never really ever ‘felt another,’ or ‘experienced’ the same as others do, because we all have lived words through different experiences and moments that builds up ‘who we are.’

We can’t possibly experience the same or associate words toward the same energetic experiences – it is because of this that we have all in fact been ‘lost in translation,’ trying to establish ‘connection’ as relationships toward people/ things/ places because that’s all we have ever known ourselves to be: an individual that is separate from the whole = seeks to connect/ create relationships all the time, which can only exist at a mind level. So it doesn’t even matter if you are with another or not, as long as we had our mind as the faithful companion, we agreed to remain subservient to any physical reality that was obviously of separation and energy-sucking from one another, as well as the entire Earth and its resources.

 

So – what the hell are we doing here? Healing/ repairing/ correcting/ mending the primordial separation from each other as the whole. That is by each one taking on their mind as their ‘set of separations’ that is ‘unique’ as a configuration within each one – yet equal to all within the mechanisms that generated such relationships, which are energy-based and generators at all times. Hence, what each one of us in this process is walking is the manifested separation through our accepted and allowed ‘living’ of words in separation of who we have become As such words in separation of self as one and equal. This is all of what we gave-a-name to as something ‘outside’ of ourselves.

There might have even been a moment in your life that you saw yourself thinking ‘what if this is all that I am? What if I am only thinking this reality’? Well, we were and still are only thinking the reality that is simply here, manifested and doesn’t require us to think about it to exist. This means that the only way to equalize ourselves is to stop thinking and creating further relationships as experiences ‘toward’ this reality, but instead live and experience the actual physicality that is here as myself, as my body, as the environment that I can simply direct myself within and without, minus the constant generation of experiences about it.

 

I represent a set of points of separation – you represent another set of points of separation – we all together walk our sets of points of separation and in that, our part is contributing to the whole correction that is required within this world to establish best for all living-relationships that will enable each other to finally enjoy, express, be boundless yet living by equal and one principles – that’s the point here. And through correcting such relationships – because the only correction possible is equality and oneness as life – we will have as an inevitable outflow from such application, an physical change in the way that we interact, communicate, establish relationships as the new way to live/ exist in this world. The way that we see each other is changing already – if you have been duly aware of this – we are becoming aware of, for example, to what extent we would dare to project our own self-created mind-maze of relationships and self-depreciation onto others – unacceptable, yet we thank ourselves for being able to walk Self Forgiveness for all that which we have used and abused in the name of a personal delusional – and abusive – self-glorification.

 

So this is self-support for me to see how the points I had realized in a rather vague way did make sense and that I wasn’t only divagating. And this comes from the direct experience that I would get when becoming a bit ecstatic about these realizations during school mostly, and would share them with others and people would mostly stare back with what I judged being a ‘yeah-right’ type of attitude, not really caring or probably understanding what I was trying to say – such as the cookie theory and this point of primordial separation of who we are as words. Again, I’m not going into the elusive ‘god’ creation that is believed to be superior, this is about self-realization of who we are as god, an equal and one meaning as the only definition/word/value/experience that can exist: Life in Equality.

 

Equality is the main correction to implement within the definition of Life as what’s always been here, equal and one – yet our experiences toward life and everything had not been of equality, which is why we are now walking this process to equalize ourselves as life.

 

So, what does this all mean then? That I have to walk each tidbit of association that I created an energetic experience toward, beginning with how engaged and/or compromised I became toward the experience of myself ‘as myself,’ as a personality/ego and ‘my precious’ creation that I was directing to fulfill my personal wishes and desires that could only stand in separation of the common sensical realization that: I can only be fully happy, living in absolute self-realized self-expression IF standing one and equal as everything and everyone that is equally here as myself- there is no other way.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live a life wherein I sought to create relationships toward others in separation of myself, in the name of creating me an experience that I could call ‘life/living.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having lived a life of self-interest wherein I didn’t realize that the only driving-factor for everything that I did, was always seeking an energetic experience that I could keep as ‘memories’ that I could later on utilize to satisfy my memory-needs of identifying myself a my past, as my friends/ family/ partners/ living places that I have defined as ‘pieces of me,’ that I have kept for the sake of the usual memorabilia that I was looking forward to keep until I was very old and I could use such memories to generate the same experiences that would have led me to ensure I ‘keep this moment as a memory’ in order to satisfy my mind’s desire to remain ‘alive,’ within myself, missing the obvious common sense wherein: who I am cannot be only a memory kept throughout the years, that is gone in one moment and can be distorted to suit my personal needs, wants, desires. Who I am cannot possibly be a memory or an experience.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever seek creating, forming and establishing relationships to people, places according to my self-created configuration that determined how I viewed/ saw ‘my life’ as an accumulation of memories, data, knowledge that I could later on use to enhance my value, my worth and my own experiences b keeping/ freezing such moments as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself to being a single memory rolling and repeating itself aimlessly, I realize that I had become a memory-collector in order to continue ‘identifying’ and building myself as a personality that I wanted to eventually be able to be proud of.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life of self interest wherein every person I sought to ‘connect with,’ every place that I created an attachment toward and every thought as an experience that I believed was ‘me,’ were in fact only in the name of creating me a nice and apparently fulfilling experience as a record-keeping that I could be satisfied with at the end of my days.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish my lifetime to a single memory-collector, specifically being aware of imprinting/ keeping/ saving the moments that I had decided was the way that I want to ‘remember myself,’ and in that I developed such an emotional attachment to it, with a definitive conscious participation to deliberately do so, that It’s taken me a while to go actually disengaging from the memories as the experiences that I created toward others, which is revealing in itself how much effort, time and consistency I lived toward the idea of myself as my personality, of others, of places, or events in my life that I had deemed as ‘valuable.’

 

I realize that it is only through me stopping valuing things, people, places in separation of myself can be actually begin to understand what living a principle of equality would actually mean.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even become proud of myself as my creation, as my personality because of the amount of time I had ‘invested upon myself’ which lead me to then fear losing it, which would have meant the obvious: I have brainwashed myself all this time. I see how we all have this ‘voice in the head’ that comes and allows you to know and realize what is it that we are in fact existing as, believing ourselves to be, and that it is such voice that I must bring here as words, to assist and support me to get to know myself, to learn how I created, built and connected such dots as words that have defined my individual experience here toward myself and others – and through applying self forgiveness on it, walking the self corrective application, we can actually make of this process something that is simply what it is, having to withdraw from the main platonic relationship we have created which is: the relationship with our own mind.

 

Once that is walked, debunked, Self-Forgiven, Self-corrected, we will be able to understand what such separation actually revealed of ourselves.

 

All in all, what I suggest is to make of this process not a tortuous process wherein we see the point of letting go of ‘who we are’ as our mind as standing underneath the scaffold all the time, which is and can only be painful if we are always at the expectancy of the blade running down all of a sudden, when in fact, such egocide can be as painless, as simple and as gentle as we make decide it to be. In the end, this is about Self-Creation, isn’t it? What type of God would want to continue self-flagellation in the name of purification? None.

 

So – we walk, here as breath, unconditionally letting go and re-establishing that primordial separation is the only answer to Life Here: Ourselves. We require to create a new system that can enable the possibility for all beings to walk this process, as that is what we would like others to do for ourselves in such positions. That’s how we require to establish the Equal Money System to ensure that all Life’s needs are guaranteed for all human beings and in that, take the first move to deconstruct the system of illusion and delusional values that we have created in the name of keeping our mind-bubbles alive. We are here to burst our bubbles.

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Blogs of the day:

[1] As Within = So Without: DAY 12
Day 12: BrainWashing and Mind Control

 

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Virus Free Mind by Bernard Poolman


Day 12: Goodbye Self-Deprecation

I share about the (cool/ awesome/ astounding/ flabbergasting) realization that has been brewing these past days and weeks. I had merely opened up the self-image point a few days ago in Day 8: My body is Not an Image and Anu was sharing about this point in a recent interview (Reptilians – The Human Picture – Part 25) about how such image that we hold about ourselves, occupies the entirety of our moment as ‘who we are,’ which is then walking/ “living” as a constant image that implies this is ‘how’ we interact with each other and the world: according to how I have allowed myself to create such image and the plethora of memories as words with experiences that I have kept in order to give myself an identity, a meaning, a value – all in separation of the simplicity of life as who we really are.

 

I’ve been in a process of realizing – as a direct result of being hearing Anu’s mind blowing interviews – how we are keeping ourselves entertained with this diluted energy that we call emotions, feelings and thoughts, which was a point that marked a difference in my experience toward any bit of fixation I had created toward something or someone. I realized to what extent I was diminishing myself and occupying my mind with bullshit. It really was a turning point – and it’s been probably over a month now from that point which was opened up in one of the first interviews of his series; it is absolutely pointless wasting breaths going in cycles around the points that we already know are Not beneficial at all. Becoming this character out of habit is only confirming that we are willing to abuse life in order to keep our masochism ‘alive’ – unacceptable, even more so when we are fully aware of these mechanisms and have heard nothing else but: stop participating in your mind!

 

As I walked and realized this, I said to myself that I must share this with the world, because COME ON! How on Earth can we continue living being preoccupied with each other and fearing being judged and judging ourselves for what we believe is cute or ugly or whatnot! I mean what the fuck? That is and should be left as what it is, as part of our past as the robots we accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become in the name of some mirage of personal glory– we’ve done it Enough times already in our eternal cycles, being busy with the same bullshit over and over and over again. This is the time to Stop it for once and for all.

 

It is Not necessary to continue At All in allowing a single iota of self-judgment that may rear in the back of our head. Now, I realize that this is easily said and that there is an absolute process to walk to actually live it, but by placing the ‘cards straight on the table’ I create a point of reference for myself and others equally reading this, to support themselves to see this as straightforward and as simple as it is. I commit myself to make it known to what extent we are abusing life just to keep our mind-realm of self-abuse alive, the perfect trap that we all accepted as the usual ‘misery’ in life – come on! How can LIFE be miserable? Only our experience as the mind, as an individualized and separated perception that emerged through friction can think that – how can we trust something that is lit up just with the flick of a switch, like a light bulb? It is really as simple as stopping all participation in such pet peeves, because these thoughts can come up as ‘casual’ as anything else, and they are accepted because we have all tacitly agreed that ‘Oh well, this life’s got its ups and downs, and nothing can ever work out well and it’s best to only live your life to the max and die happily with tons of memories in your memory-card’ No way.

 

We cannot possibly – at this stage and having the opportunity to birth ourselves as life in this life – continue existing with such massive self-inflicted limitations.

 

It takes time to get to a point like this, it’s taken us our entire existence for ‘god’ knows how long and we cannot possibly fuck it all up this time because of wanting to remain as and continue preserving our mental masochism that can only ‘run’ if the physical is abused. How many times have we judged/ criticized people that extract natural resources from the Earth indiscriminately? I have, tons of times- did I ever accept myself as an equal abuser? Hell no, I did not even consider it that way – I was more on the side of ‘save the planet’ while being constantly judging myself or generating depressions just to have something to create an experience about in my mind toward the idea of myself.

 

This is how, again, the Desteni material, the current interviews are the best gifts you could ever possibly give to yourself – nothing is as ‘worthy’ as realizing that we can in fact Do This – and I haven’t ever been ‘this certain’ in my life before – or my existence, probably – and by this I don’t mean certain of a particular outcome/result, but certain as self-acceptance, as confidence that I am – slowly but surely being accepting as myself, getting myself Here and hearing the words that I probably have always longed to hear to stop my personal infatuation for once and for all.

 

Stopping participation is then not an experience, I’ve noticed how the less I feed my obsessions, the less they remain, the less I participate in immediate judgments, the easier it is to face myself for ‘what I am’ without adding the layers of judgments to it. Living this way is like a constant filter, the Self Honesty filter, because what remains in the moment is what I see and realize I am able to apply/ use/ implement as Self-Support which means is one and equal no matter from whom or where I take it from – I see and realize that all that will eventually remain is only that which is able to be lived and applied by others as equals. This means that the character/ idea of myself won’t remain, that all memories, pictures, ideas that I have believed myself to be are not real and will not remain as it is Not who I really am. What remains is myself here as the presence and essence of that which I am made of, the substance that exists here without requiring me to have/ load an archive of pictures, experiences and memories to define myself every moment that I can instead simply be and exist here.

 

I’ve slowed myself down not even within a ‘desire’ or ‘wanting to slow down,’ but simply by deliberately becoming  aware of myself, which I have been experiencing for the past weeks as like an alien on my own two feet. I’ve walked in this body for a quarter of century and I can probably say that I am only now beginning to appreciate my body for the first time. I‘ve got a lifetime of constant and silent self-deprecation on my back, through having judged my physical appearance and myself – as ‘everyone else does,’ which is unacceptable from each other, really – I am walking the acceptance that I see is here as myself within the understanding of how much I had blinded – blind-dead – myself from myself-here the obvious point missed. If you are not thinking-yourself, what remains is Living As yourself – by yourself it is to be understood as the physical body that is flesh, bones, the blood flowing that is constantly moving and we had blinded ourselves from even experiencing that constant flow within ourselves – there can be no judgment/experience in that, it jus is and it becomes an obvious abuse the moment that we fly away to feed the old habits.

 

This is also an aspect of the application of taking on ‘one single point’ that I’ve been applying on a daily basis which is: stopping judgments toward people on the streets or around me. This is stopping all the automated ‘profiling’ wherein I immediately scan a person and can ‘imagine’ their life and what they are all about. So, I’ve been aware of how some thoughts are just automatically ‘there’ and how I have to go by without me participating in it in any way. I must extend that now to things and animals that I encounter, not placing any emphasis when seeing cats or dogs, which is then also creating an experience within myself toward them.

 

It’s just like the point that I described in lugubrious romantic. Every single day after I wrote that blog, I’ve seen a dead animal or bird – mostly birds – on the pavement – I’m not joking here: every single day. In those moments I’ve then walked the words that I had scripted, and it wasn’t just ‘once’ that I could stop it, and it’s gone. The point emerging everyday makes it very obvious on how this is about walking as a constant and consistent stopping, a living self forgiveness wherein the subsequent days I had to continue not participating/ engaging into the ‘moment capturer’ personality, as the ingrained aspect of the personality I would charge up within the entire idea of myself while using the Earth’s resources to keep myself in such personal fixations as the ‘usual’  fleeting possessed moments I would get by being ‘ecstatic’ looking at something.

 

It doesn’t really matter how much ‘value’ I had given to this point of being ‘fascinated’ by what I see, it’s about the recognition of the ability to stop, regardless of ‘what it is.’ Anu spoke about pictures and even taking pictures which made me laugh for a moment on my application within that which I had also walked in the afore mentioned blog, yet made it even blunter how I could not deny the fact that we have to simply stop playing re-runs of our personalities every time – it’s an old story, it’s limited, it’s constricted, we know where it begins – because we give it the first go – and we know where it ends, because all highs eventually come to low; yet we have developed a relationship with such definitions that we feared losing such definitions lol, it’s like someone that doesn’t want to go out of jail even if their penitence has ended. Are we that self abusive?

 

Yes, we have been – that’s the stark reality. And this makes it even more clear that we have to absolutely walk this process to let go of all the unnecessary baggage that is only limiting ourselves – how ludicrous, but I’ll stop judging this through amazement on this, it’s simply a realization of how the end of me as the limited idea/belief/perception built and nicely-wrought as this personality that we have all invested our ‘best interest’ in, must go in order for the actual living in Equality to emerge – not as an experience, not as a want, not as a need, not as a desire to ‘be more’ of course – it is the simplest form of acceptance that is able to be embraced here in every breath that I take – it is really that simple to go establishing ourselves here. We determine it= we can live it.  It is absolutely in our hands to do so. We’ve got to turn off the ‘spotlight’ on us in believing that all eyes are always fixating on us, or that we are the ‘main characters’ in this story – that’s just self interest, that’s just the world revolving ‘around me,’ and in that application missing the entire world because of placing something above the rest. Unacceptable.

We are here to stop that forevermore, simply because we have missed the actual living that is as simple as breathing here – no more mindfucks.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my breaths here by having spent time accumulating memories, pictures, experiences as ‘who I am,’ and believing that this would be what gives me ‘identity’ and ‘value’ as a person, which is how I invested upon such experiences as energetic personalities that I carefully wrought and quilted as ‘who I am,’ according to the desires, wants and needs that I wanted to fulfill in my world, whatever ‘road’ they would imply, it was still following and desiring that which would apparently ‘make me feel happy,’ which is then how

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live as this ‘me’ that has existed as only a few purposes in life that were aiming to fulfill and ‘achieve’ the ultimate happiness, which became the only way that I could see this life could make ‘any sense,’ which is why I accepted and allowed this world ‘as is’ within the belief, perception that there could be ‘something more’ for us in store after we die, after we have gone through our living peripeteia and eventually ‘win’ something that could mean an eternal satisfaction, which can only be created because of the inherent acceptance and allowance of existing As separation from self as one and equal.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live within such a mind-possession for such a long time, and for all the past lives that I have spent fixated on myself, my image, my personality, my wants, my needs, my desires that were only ‘there’ to keep me occupied and that I accepted as a form of ‘living’ while missing the actual living in every single moment that I would rather create myself an experience through emotions and feelings to pretend that ‘I’m alive,’ other than simply living in self-acceptance here, as breath, as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live in such a perpetual self-abuse through constantly judging myself and existing only as this judgment that I would project onto others, compare myself-with and define myself-as, while actually judging people that would deplete/ abuse the natural resources on Earth for the sake of keeping our entire system in place – which implies that I always sought to be ‘free from blame,’ and believe myself to be innocent from such “atrocities”simply because of denying the basic point which is me existing in/as this world, equal and one with everyone else that is equally responsible for such abuse simply because of ALL having accepted and allowed the submission, abuse and degradation of life through a system of energy that must always consume to remain alive. This is our current system and

I commit myself to walk the necessary self-alignments to live the equal-value that I see and realize is the common sensical way of living that must be implemented on Earth through the Equal Money System as the solution to allow us all to see/ realize that the only way to live an actual satisfactory life on Earth, is through giving and receiving in equality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from ‘the abusers,’ simply because I thought myself to be a ‘world saver’ without ever being aware of how within me and my ‘personal life’ being a bundle of emotions and feelings and judgments, I was being equally supporting the degradation/ abuse and total annihilation of life because of disregarding the fact that, for my mind to exist as an experience, I must use what Is here as this physical reality that I consume in order to transform such physical energy into mind energy to keep my mindfucks alive. By mindfucks I understand, all the experiences that would give me a certain experience that I would deem as ‘my life,’ ‘my living,’ regardless of them being positive or negative, I seemed to equally solace with both, as long as I was ‘experiencing’ something, which demon.strates the level of addiction we’ve lived toward our own mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I had only lived as an egotistical character that could only generate experiences, thoughts for self-satisfaction in either a ‘positive’ or ‘negative’ and now realizing even neutral experience As a constant experience, as a constant self-created confirmation of ‘I am here as y mind,’ while abusing my body as the life that it is made of to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become so oblivious to the reality that is here, taking it for granted simply because of regarding ‘my experience’ as something ‘more important’ to be aware of/ take care of other than the actual reality that is here, that is existing as the ‘food for thought’ in a literal manner, abused and neglected and depreciated to only being ‘fuel,’ instead of realizing it is equal and one as myself, as life, as everything that is equally here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuel the abuse of life through my very own participation in thoughts, feelings, emotions that would keep the ‘idea’ of me in place. Now this is not to believe that I can now ‘stop thinking’ and ‘stop abusing,’ it is about understanding the separated-value (value in itself is already a separation, but just to make it clear) that I have placed onto everything/ everyone in separation of myself – which means, that Equalizing myself as such ‘values’ which is the absolute integration of myself as everything that is here – I can simply become the director of it to establish myself as relationships that work for all as equal and one – no abuse will be allowed in that, yet it is possible to change the starting point of everything that is here through me committing myself to be the one point that begins to do so.

 

That is then, taking the first steps of self-awareness as a creator: who am I willing to be and become now that I see, realize and understand what and who I really am. It is plain simple to see that: if friction has only caused this extent of abuse and obvious separation, causing me to always ‘seek for fulfillment’ outside of myself – the obvious solution is then: reintegrating all separated parts as myself here wherein I commit myself to walk each thread that I have separated myself from, point by point, moment by moment, until standing equal and one with what is here is not only a statement, but a living realization that is able to be implemented every moment that I stop the inherently accepted separation of myself as an energetic experience through thinking, believing and perceiving myself to be ‘marlen’ only – the idea of myself that exists as the product of limitation.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create experiences within myself toward my physical body, toward my image, my personality in means of believing that ‘this is who I am and this is what I have to cultivate’ – wherein this statement became a lifetime investment of self-interest while being aware of how everything that I wanted, desired could be obtained by playing the game that is predictable and mechanic. I realize that this is not ‘good or bad,’ it is simply the starting point that I can now change/ adjust and within that, not demonize my mind, my experiences – it is about now standing equal to who and what I am as this physical body, as the direction that I am asserting as myself and being willing to change the starting point of these relationships that I created in separation of myself – as desires, wants and personal needs – into a best for all starting point, which is then the only way we can ensure that we do achieve a best for all goal.

 

See one of the pivotal points here is something that Anu describes in the interview Reptilians – Engineering God – Part 26 about what is it that we are really doing/walking/ realizing within this process wherein, it’s not about now becoming ‘empty’ and walking as zombies – but simply how to be able to stop existing as possessed mind-zombies and actually realize, recognize and accept the actual power that exist when we equalize ourselves as our mind, as everything that we have believed ourselves to be and instead, learn how the mind works and use it, as an equal-and one part of myself to create what’s best for all.

And that, was a mindblowing point that I can assure will come eventually or has come already to a realization within our process. To place this all into perspective: I’ve been ‘digesting’ all that I’ve been listening and it’s simply amazing, but not the experiential amazing that ‘makes me feel good’ but an actual realization of what the fuck we have missed throughout life: ourselves.

We are in ‘the moment’ where we can stand as absolute creators of ourselves – and this is not some type of ‘grandiose’ statement – in fact, I should not even place such disclaimer as it is only the absolute, totality, wholeness that exists here as myself – any point of ‘grandiosity’ has only been generated by my mind that feared being or even considering myself as ‘the whole,’ why would that be? Only a a mind can exist in self-deprecation and self-depreciation, and this, my fellow droogs, must stop.

: D

 

Blogs of the Day:

vlog:
2012: 7 Year Process – Stopping Judgements


Day 7– Deconstructing Sugar

Yesterday we had a chat with regards to food and quitting sugar, which is a point I have been consciously procrastinating due to the extent of the relationship that I have created with all things that create a sense of satisfaction, which are related to: sugar! I wrote out yesterday how obvious it was in my body experiencing the rush of sugar, I have made vlog about it as well in the past and I ‘reduced’ sugar for a while, then went back to it or at least not giving specific self-direction to the point, which was leaving the back door open for me to go in and out whenever I wanted.

 

This is about me as the creator of my own preferences, quirks and chemical addictions such as sugar. I am aware that this point is ‘far more extensive’ than any other relationship I’ve had, as this is about food that I’ve become so used to eating and ‘sweetening’ my life with, wherein it obviously at times became the ‘consolation price’ for all emotional down-loops, which is the most common way to divert my attention from what’s here.

 

I also realize that the last time that I was talking with my mother about sugar and stopping it, she told some something like ‘oh don’t be so hard in yourself, it’s not like you won’t ever eat anything with sugar ever again’ and in that, I could see how I gave myself this leeway to keep eating it as ‘the only pleasures left in life.’ I have also defined myself or creating myself a reputation for liking sugary things, specially when it comes to going out with my parents and having the opportunity to eat apfel strudel, lol my perdition.

 

I have to forgive myself the relationships that I build with the people that I buy food from. An example is stopping a relationship with a woman in the bakery as that friendliness is what kept me going to such bakery even if it was definitively more expensive than others. But then, I’ve created yet another relationship with other people where bread was cheaper and I made a habit of buying the same bread which lead the people there know what I like and identify me as the predictable robot I’ve become when it comes to buying items. God, the same in the supermarket actually… What is this revealing to me? That I have also compromised myself to buy and consume based on the relationships that I create with people and how they ‘identify me’ according to what I buy.

 

I cannot continue compromising myself in any way. I mean, if I walk past the bakery on a daily basis and I won’t buy there any longer, I might as well go in there to let them know that I won’t be buying bread from them as I have to take care of my sugar addiction. LOL

 

I realized how I have allowed sugar in my life as a ‘treat’ and I would deliberately ignore the side effects that I had to ‘endure’ as opposed to the deliciousness that was eating a cake for example. I mean, this should be read as masochism here, I’ve experienced how it is not cool for my body yet I kept doing it.

So in these seemingly ‘making up for’ type of experiences, we accept a LOAD of bs that comes in the form of ‘small allowances’ such as when you buy something and believe that you will be able to keep it for a week, and end up eating the whole thing in a few hours only. Stuff like that is creating the necessary alarms to realize: hello, I am not being the directive principle in my world, I am allowing myself to simply indulge into it for the comfort I experience within my body as I consume food that is ‘sweet.’

Ludicrous, we have created relationships toward food of course, and in that we have made of such a vital point an addiction, which is just an outflow of having made of our own thoughts a surrogate living as well as the emotions and feelings tied to ‘living’ as well as eating.

 

So let’s begin with that:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link sugar to a positive experience within my body wherein I have associated everything that is sugary as something that I ‘like’ by default and that I cannot say ‘no’ to, without realizing that as I stand as the directive principle within me, I have to create such ability to not be driven by a mental desire to eat sugar, but instead discipline myself to support my body with meals that are not creating me an ‘instant gratification’ such as sugary meals.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a self-definition base on it being ‘too difficult’ to quit sugar which means I was giving up before even trying it, which is ‘the’ point of self interest as a nice-fluffy experience that I can get from eating sugar, which I must now discipline myself to re-direct in a supportive manner, which is the process that I’ll be walking as I face this point.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let go of the idea of me being a sucker for desserts and specially, apfel strudel that I have defined as my favorite dessert of all time. I realize that deserting of myself as the idea of being an ‘apfel strudel sucker’ is something that I must let go of in order to stop existing as that energetic tie to it as a picture in my head of what I ‘enjoy,’ without realizing how much backchat it would occupy in my mind when being abroad and not able to get that specific apfel strudel that I like.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a thinking-relationship to getting the treats that I ‘like’ and in that, using my mind to continuously manipulate myself into getting that ‘quick fix’ of eating something sweet, without actually taking into consideration what sugar is and what it actually does to my body.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate giving direction to stopping sugar because of fearing ‘missing out the sweetness of life’ by stopping eating sugar and bread and all of which I had created a relationship defined as ‘comfort’ and ‘consolation,’ which is mostly a coping mechanism when I am not willing to face myself a certain point that I am allowing to accumulate within me as backchat –  have resorted to instead cover it up by using something sweet to eat to neglect the actual experience that I am creating within myself and go into a sense of ‘satisfaction’ after it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create relationships of giving myself ‘rewards’ or ‘treats’ that I would create a relationship toward as that energetic longing for it, which is how I require to stop and see who I am without such treats and how I am able to replace such sugary treats with vegetables and other meals that are supportive and nutritional other than a piece of bread.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the sensation of chewing something that I have defined as ‘whole’ and ‘filling’ such as bread in my mouth and stomach.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the common sense that something that is altering my physical body to a sense of discomfort while digesting it, is simply not cool for my body and that I should stop it, yet instead allowed me to ‘swallow’ the side effects because of considering it to be the ‘consequences to bear’ for having such a pleasant and delightful taste in my mouth – and mind – out of eating something sweet.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat something that I know beforehand won’t support my physical body providing actual nutrients,  but instead allowed me to abuse my body to digest such gulps of sugar ‘just because of liking the flavor/ taste’ of it, and the sense of comfort and fulfillment that I would get out of it, which is my mind creating an energetic experience out of eating, which is certainly Not supportive at all.

 

I am here to support my physical body and that means stopping that which I have researched, realized and experienced in my body to be equal to  poison that makes my entire blood rush throughout my veins in an abnormal pace, which means that I am forcing and exhilarating my physical functioning at some level that is Not supportive for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my organs and my physical body that had to digest such amounts of sugar and me neglecting the actual strain that I’ve experienced to digest sugars, yet allowed it in the name of pleasure and a ‘piece of heaven’ such as when eating bread, cakes, apfel strudel and cookies – and in a lesser value: chocolate.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created such ‘untouchable’ items in my diet like eating bread and consuming that which is always ‘nice to grab a bit from,’ because of wanting to fulfill and satiate the usual sugar cravings that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to – yes, I must realize that I am dealing here with a life long dependency as the acceptance of sugar within me as a stimulant to create a sense of ‘feeling good,’ no different to seeking love and light, really.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of sugar to ‘being cared for/ being appreciated/ being pampered/ being spoiled’ from the relationship of getting such sugary stuff from my parents whenever I go to visit them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place value in a person that I met and made me 5 different types of cakes for my birthday and equating that to ‘care’ and ‘appreciation.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dependency to eat ‘sweet stuff’ such as bread or sweet rice in order to give myself ‘a bit of a reward’ during the day, as if I had to be consoled and fulfilled with such moments of eating ‘sugary stuff’ equated to ‘me caring for myself,’ without realizing that such sugar has no nutritional value at all and that it is certainly not necessary within my every day diet. Thus, I walk the process to prove to myself that I can continue living without eating these obvious items that contain high levels of sugar.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist quitting sugar and having procrastinated it for such a long time, because of fearing missing out on that which I have defined as ‘the most enjoyable stuff’ as eating something that I can have a sense of fulfillment through and as sugar.

 

I know it is possible to stop as some other Destonians have shared their on processes of stopping sugar and I could see myself just keeping quiet throughout the chat because I resisted placing a commitment to do the same and stop eating the most obvious items that contain sugar – there is also a point of ‘oh what if I ‘fail’?- but I can’t, because I’ve made decisions to quit other stuff in my life that was obviously addictive – including people and activities. I also understand that the relationship I’ve created with sugar is quite a ‘tough one’ in relation to how I have accepted myself as always requiring something ‘sweet’ to end the meals with, even if it was a sip of some juice or ‘fiber cookies’ or some other ‘taste’ that I could satisfy my desire to EXPERIENCE the sugary taste in my mouth as ‘the final taste.’

 

I have recently cut eating yogurt which had been part of my self-religion in food, it’s probably a month of that already – I tried quitting milk right away but my body went absolutely aloof, so I’m still drinking it in a very reduced manner – this is also in relation to the processes we’re walking and how we require to support our physical in relation to the meals I have been so used to eating and that I cannot just ‘cut out’ overnight. 

 

And so, I commit myself to stop eating any sugary stuff – specifically bread which I have defined as a ‘filler’ in both a physical and experientially speaking as that moment of actually chewing the bread as a ‘relief,’ as a satiating moment that I have defined as ‘giving myself a treat’ due to the obvious amounts of sugar it contains.

 

Sugar is a must stop – there are diabetics in both sides of my family. Actually I know that my grandmother died of diabetes and my sister – when she was little – would hand her chocolates in a secretive manner until she died. So, I see myself in that mirror and realizing that I do have a predisposition to being a sugar junky – the same with my other grandmother that is also dead and would be a yogurt junky, lol.

So, evidence proves that I must stop sugar, I have been also more aware of this sensations that food produce within me and yesterday I went to the shop and bought some greens and vegetables, which is something that I was only buying every now and then. I also realize that I will take the opportunity to find out how my body works without rice – which has become ‘the main meal’ in my diet – yet it makes absolute sense that it does turn into sugar as any other grain, including wheat. I knew this from my sister – who is a nutritionist – yet I continued fooling myself because of the routine, remaining in the status quo with what I eat – I  mean this uncovers how I tend to make of my days a bit of a ritualistic movement – however it’s going much better.

I am not as obsessed with cleaning as I was before, and having everything ‘perfectly’ around me, I am less concerned about ‘how things look’ around me yet I have to be aware of making it functional as well. And so, within this entire point of walking the physical process, something that Bernard said got stuck in me the other day in relation to creating patterns and habits that are supportive as we are now walking the physical process. Thus I realize that it is the ‘perfect time’ to establish that which I am willing to maintain as a living-experience in the physical as myself.

 

I have made a habit of buying bread as the only ‘treat’ I give to myself. I walked it in a mind construct a few months ago, lol and I only stopped going to ‘that’ bakery that I wrote the mind construct about, but then found a cheaper one which made it easier for me to have access to bread again. So, I realize that identifying all the points is key and I am perfectly aware when I make the ‘decision’ or should I say when I indulge-into stopping by the bakery and buying bread. I usually associate it with a reward system that I have created for myself in relation to what I eat – which I took as ‘normal’ as in ‘giving myself a treat’ but I see that I can become quite sneaky when it comes to these allowances and not really disciplining myself to it.

 

However, I am taking it bit by bit, I do take my body into consideration to reduce the amounts of it little by little as I’ve seen how cutting down meals that I had built myself of can be quite disturbing in an overall physical experience that is not comfortable at all.

 

I also realize that I must increase meat consumption with that, which I can only see I have limited myself to because of money – so there you go! our experience, nutrition and relationship to food is directly linked to how much money we have. I am perfectly aware that I could buy all of such variety if I had the money to do so, and seek for organic stuff that is absolutely expensive here. So, at the moment I’ll seek for the best options which means buying more vegetables, which are certainly not expensive.

 

So, thanks for all that have shared their experiences with stopping sugar, that is the type of support and ‘inspiration’ that I required because this is one of the points that absolutely goes ‘against Marlen’s will’ I mean, me the cookie-girl no way! – lol yes I once sold cookies during summer time with my cousins and called ourselves ‘cookie girls’ – we would bake cookies and sell them to our neighbors, it was quite fun but we obviously would eat the remains and so, that was not supportive at all.

 

This point of liking desserts is yet another ‘chunk’ of myself that I have created and continued to generate as a positive experience – I mean, I’m glad that I have come to build a taste for vegetables – thanks to my mother that would nag me to do so – but now I have to actually get rid of that which would ‘console’ my desire to experience something ‘sweet’ within me. So I’ll continue walking this point as I go, for now this is it.

 

I commit myself to being this process of cutting down sugar to eventually be able to stand and see that I am still here after quitting all major sources of sugar in my daily diet.

 

For further support:

 

Blogs of the Day:

 


Day 5–Judging Self as Words

Communicating ourselves through and as words requires creating and directing a necessary identification first on how we exist as words. For that we require to create a direct and comfortable relationship with who and how we are and live as words. As we go establishing this point for ourselves, we can expand such self-understanding and communication toward others in an equal and reciprocate manner.

The following is part of the  support within  Scott’s Self-Forgiveness thread at the forum, which I have walked within the consideration of placing myself in the shoes of another and walking the pattern that is seen through the words shared, and applying Self Forgiveness as if it was my own experience – yet it is when we realize that we are all living currently as different dimensions of one self, therefore I take the point and walk it within the principle of equality and oneness by also taking responsibility for it to ensure that any points that emerge here are a direct construction of myself as well. 

I’ll quote the writing so that one can have a direct perspective of how the self forgiveness is constructed in relation to the writing itself.

 

The tendency to remain silent has been a delayed response when I’m listening or reading, then trying to reciprocate with something clear and coherent usually seems like something I’m pressured into, and the result would often be an inaccurate choice of words or what my mind calls nonsense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief on how I must reply to another while listening or reading and feeling/ experiencing myself as ‘being pressured into it,’ without realizing that I am the only one that is creating such pressure by having created an ideal standard of how I want to reciprocate others based on what I hear/ read.

I realize that I must first take the necessary steps to see How I have lived reciprocity toward myself as the self-agreement that I am here to establish wherein, by doing so, I am able to extend the same reciprocity toward others as I will have established for myself first the necessary self-communication wherein I use words to disentangle myself from my mind, and direct me out of the ‘ideal’ of ‘how I must reciprocate’ and instead, hear and read unconditionally without automatically participating in the idea that I have to ‘reciprocate’ which is where I am setting my own ‘standard’ of ‘how I must reply,’ and if I don’t ‘reach’ such standard, I judge myself and my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience ‘pressure’ when communicating, when reading and interacting with others in my reality wherein I am existing in the predisposition of ‘having to reciprocate’ according to the standards that I have set for myself, wherein if I don’t ‘meet’ such standards, I judge my choice of words and expression within the belief that I cannot place into words the actual common sense that I see I am able and capable of replying-with if there is a point to share, exchange and add-to as self-support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set a standard as a belief-system of ‘how I must always reciprocate’ within the belief of having to be ‘clear and coherent,’ without realizing that if I still judge my expression as nonsensical/ scattered/ inaccurate choice of words, I am still having a starting point of believing that no matter what I say, it will be ‘inaccurate’ in the moment. Thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my expression according to suiting a particular ideal of expression being coherent and clear, without first allowing me to forgive myself for having accepted and allowed to judge words as who I am, wherein I am trying to reach a certain ‘ideal’ in my mind, instead of first walking the point of establishing unconditional expression of myself here, as words, without the initial condition of it having to be ‘clear’ and ‘coherent.’

I realize that writing is an exercise in itself that will enable me to establish such clarity and coherence without me trying to ‘achieve it’ as something separate from myself. I allow myself to direct myself as words, becoming aware of the words that I speak wherein I can communicate and express in a simple form without creating an over-wrought idea of ‘how it must be.’

I realize that having participated in an extended application of self-judgment toward my words has created an actual physical experience of ‘feeling’ inaccurate with communication, which is then a point that I realize I am able to direct myself to establish by not wanting to first ‘meet a standard’ of ‘how it must be.’ I let go of prefabricated ideas I have created and imprinted onto words as myself/ words within communication wherein I instead allow myself to learn from scratch, to become aware of what each word is implying as I write for myself how I am willing to live and direct my life from here on by and through words

 

 

The experience is of being constantly fed up with this pattern in writing along with as speaking, as well as the entire feedback cycle in relation to this point, and I would use it as a reinforcement and justification for remaining silent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience such as constantly being fed up with a pattern as an ‘inability to write/ communicate’ without realizing how I can only create such experience with words and participation in my mind that I can instead direct through self-forgiveness on the exact points that I am seeing and realizing I am judging ‘by default’ as a pre-existent condition I have created unto writing and speaking.

I allow myself to open up the experience of ‘being fed up’ as a constant self-experience that can only be created by myself through an accumulation of backchat as self-judgment toward my words based on how I have compared my expression to an ‘ideal’ that I try to ‘meet,’ without first establishing for myself that ability to write without judging my expression as in wanting to meet a certain ‘standard’ and going into self-sabotage the moment that I Believe that I am unable and incapable of being coherent and clear within my communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘fed up’ with having feedback upon what I write and say from the starting point of fearing to be judged, without realizing that I am and have been the only one that has created such cycle of self-judgment toward my own expression, without realizing that resisting to read/ hear others’ perspectives is in fact a mechanism that I am using in order to not have the self-created judgment I have imprinted toward myself and my expression.

I realize that no one is able to judge myself other than myself – therefore, I stop projecting onto others that which I see I can commit myself to stop, which is the participation in self-judgment toward myself as words, my expression, my beingness in any moment. I allow myself to hear, read and get feedback as a way to support myself to walk out of my ego and into a physical reality wherein any judgment has no place to ‘exist in’ other than in my own mind.

I commit myself to stop myself from judging my expression as words within the terms of being inaccurate and nonsensical, and instead direct myself to write unconditionally from the starting point of supporting me to first stop these preconceived ideas of How I must communicate and/or convey a message, within the realization that I can only free myself from such constrain of trying to fit into an idea of how to reply and reciprocate to others, if I allow myself to first give me the opportunity to let go of the standards I’ve set for myself that I realize, takes actual time and space and practice to establish myself as writing myself to freedom, as righting myself to be unconditional within my own expression and letting go of wanting to meet certain standards at this stage.

I commit myself to establish myself as comfortable while writing and speaking, which implies that I accept and allow myself to see how I have created any discomfort with myself through my own words.

Thus I direct myself to become aware of how a single word as a belief of ‘how my expression is’ can in fact create an entire experience of myself toward writing/ communicating. Thus, I walk the necessary process to dig further and investigate to the core of each word that I have accepted and allowed to judge my expression as words with.

I commit myself to allow me to get to know ‘who I am’ within the words that I express myself as, I realize that I am able to change and give myself a direction that stands within the context of what’s best for all, wherein simplicity is the key to let go of any overwrought and ideals upon my own expression.

 

 

Being apparently unable to reciprocate in certain moments when it seems appropriate has been a perceived impediment along with the experience of detachment. In noticing the suppression and detachment within myself I want to be the first to criticize myself as if to deprive anyone else of the ‘right’ to do the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I have a certain ‘impediment’ that prevents me from being able to communicate and express myself in the moment, even when realizing that I am able and capable of seeing that I am in fact able to give/ share a perspective in common sense, that is self-supportive without having to create an initial self-judgment to the ‘choice of words,’ which is how I have capped my expression as in giving ‘value’ to the words I speak – I allow myself to investigate the values I have imprinted onto ‘expression’ in itself as accuracy, coherency and clarity.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use words as another form of self-image wherein the single fixation on how words sound become a separate point from actual expression development, wherein I allow myself to get obsessed with it having to be perfect at all times, and within this, because of fearing not meeting the standard, refraining from even trying, in fear of not being able to equalize that which I can only deem as an acceptable way of expressing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within the belief that ‘I must reciprocate’ as an act of mutual benefit wherein I realize that I cannot do so if I haven’t first established a self-reciprocity wherein I support me to stop receiving from myself an automated judgment implemented onto the words that I speak as myself. I realize that I create myself as words – therefore, I am able and capable of investigating the words that I see hold a certain ‘value’ as an aura of specialness that I have desired myself to equalize myself to, without first taking the steps of taking each word that I have deemed as a limitation within myself and opening it up to see the values I have created and placed in separation of myself.

I see and realize that the moment that I can clarify for myself the starting point as self-supportive within writing and communicating, any judgment that may still come through such process of self-support must be scrutinized to stop the judgments toward my own self-supportive writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of ‘detachment’ which can only exist when I am in my mind trying to defend myself from having to face the truth and reality that I have become, wherein it is safer to ‘detach’ than to engage and actively participate to debunk my own fortress of words as experiences that I see and realize I have created for myself, in separation of ‘who I am’ as the living word – this implies that I must investigate ‘detachment’ as a way to not face myself as my mind, as my own words and see what caused me to create a mind-experience of detachment, without realizing that in this physical reality, I cannot be ‘detached’ from anything as all is here as myself. Thus I investigate the mechanisms that lead me to create ‘detachment’ as a way to believe that I can be separate from the consequence and reality of this world that is myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to exist within a self-righteous act of first being able to judge/ criticize myself before others/ someone else does it, without realizing that such judgment can only exist within me and that taking the vantage point of judging myself first is stemming from a belief that anyone can judge myself and have ‘power over me’ while doing so.

I see and realize the self-righteousness that I have allowed myself to exist as when it comes to defending my own self-limitation, which is certainly not acceptable and I realize I can stop in order to become humble as in grounding myself to walk a process of self support, wherein any feedback and interactions within my every day living are points that I am able to gift to myself as opportunities to face myself and correct myself within the consideration and principle of what is best for all as equals, as I realize that existing in perpetual self-judgment is only remaining bound to a singled-I perspective of myself as my mind, wherein I am not in fact taking myself into consideration as the realization of who and what I am exists as a physical body that doesn’t require to be judged in order to exist.

 

 

I notice that I’m basically expecting to be misinterpreted through choice of words and overall expression, including silence, bracing and suppressing myself through the maintenance of the whole cycle, while fixating on the perception of it as a problem that I apparently can’t solve, which is essentially trying to limit communication based on the pattern formed from past memories and experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a future projection of expecting to be misinterpreted while communicating/ interacting with others due to how I have allowed myself to judge my own expression, choice of words which is a self-sabotage mechanism wherein remaining silent is a way to keep myself ‘safe’ from being able to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to become as a fortress that I have built throughout space and time as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own belief and/or fear of being misinterpreted for being silent, when this is something that I can only allow myself to exist as if I have judged my own silence as a mechanism to suppress my ability to communicate and interact in any given moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of silence a comfortable space in my mind wherein I don’t have to expose myself in fear of being judged by others as the words that I speak.

 

I realize that it will take space and time and specificity to dedicate myself to deconstruct the fortress that I have built toward myself and my own expression as the ability to replace such bricks of self-recrimination, self-judgment and self-sabotage with bricks as the input of self-support, self-acceptance and self-direction that I am able to give to myself in every moment that I stop from participating in the usual patterns of self-judgment in my mind toward myself and my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of communication and interaction a moment and event wherein I have to be in a defense-mode from ‘being judged by others,’ without realizing that such judgment is stemming from myself only, thus projecting it onto others as a belief that what I see within myself as judgments is ‘who I am’ – I realize that it is my responsibility for having allowed myself to be affected by the words that others may say or think about me , and that I can only participate in such cycles of judgment within the belief that who I am can be ‘judged by others’ which can only happen if I allow such judgment to exist within me first.

I commit myself to take responsibility to not project onto others that which I have judged within my self – I realize that this is able to be walked as I walk myself out of any inkling of judgment that I have created toward myself as the expression and choice of words, which I realize I am the directive principle of in every moment that I am able to stop any point of self-judgment, apply self forgiveness for it and give it a new input/ direction that will stand as a constructive direction that I realize I am able and capable of giving myself to in every moment that I am here as breath, directing myself and not being directed by my own mind, which is the epitome of imitation.

I equalize myself as self-direction in order to direct my mind a myself within the starting point of what’s best for all to express and live as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create words as problems, as experiences within me that I realize I have created through the accumulation of participating in my mind as fears, judgments and any other limitation wherein I then believe that such words that I have adopted as ‘who I am’ are in fact a ‘reality’ of myself, without realizing how I created such ‘problems’ for myself by my direct participation in allowing me to be diminished, judged, criticized and limit myself by becoming words that are not supportive to live.

Thus I realize that I can direct myself to stop the fixation of a problem and instead, fixing it by taking the necessary steps of self-correction which will require me going into the core of the words that I see I am living as a ‘problem’ and walking the necessary process to disengage from such limitation while giving myself practical direction to support myself as one and equal, as the ability to express without any limitation created in my own mind.

I realize that I am the only one that is able to solve the experiences that I have defined as an impediment or a problem within myself, as I realize that I created them in the first place.

I take self responsibility to correct the patterns that I have allowed myself to limit myself with, wherein I become the directive principle of the life that I am here writing in order to structure myself to live the words that are self-supportive for myself – in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take memories and experiences of the past as a precondition to any given moment that I am able to communicate, wherein I am then sabotaging my stance according to How I experienced myself in moments of communicating in the past as memories that I have kept ‘as who I am,’ which have only limited myself to remain bound to an ‘idea’ of ‘who I am while communicating.’ Thus, I direct myself to open up and disclose for myself all the experiences that I’ve held and kept as myself in similar situations to unconditionally let go of all limitations that I have created as an inability to communicate/ interact/ reply in a moment of interaction.

I see that reciprocity can only exist while and when I have in fact established myself as the self-agreement of support to make sure I stop all judgments as ‘who I am’ and commit myself to root out the embedded beliefs of limitation that are only existent as words that I have allowed myself to create as the idea of ‘who I am.’

I commit myself to investigate the words that I have created myself as within the terms of self-limitation and self-judgment, as I see and realize that it is within the memories and the past that I have kept as ‘who I am’ that all the keys to ‘what I am’ now exist. Thus, I direct myself to dig into the words I’ve lived as self-limitation and self-judgment in order to understand how I am responsible for my own experience, and how I am able to give myself proper direction to stand one and equal to the words I speak which means, scripting myself to live words that are self-supportive within the consideration of what’s best for all.

I realize that any experience that I have created toward ‘others’ in the moment of communication is only my own reflection and mirror of who I am within and as my mind, which is then what I work with instead of believing that I can be judged by others without my consent to do so. I realize that in order for me to establish a process of self-agreement of self-support, I have to let go of defending myself as my mind and arguing for my limitations, which is simply an indication that the moment that I see such limitations coming up, I am able to Stop, breathe and find the practical direct-solution to such limiting judgment and direct myself in the moment that the thought arrives to investigate how I have accepted and allowed myself to become such word I speak/ write/ communicate as ‘who I am.’

I commit myself to investigate myself as the words that I speak, to become specific in scripting myself to give myself practical and tangible solutions to every point that I see I have diminished myself to – therefore it is a process of self-support wherein I walk self-forgiveness to expose the patterns that I have lived as fears, limitations, judgments that tamper my ability to express – and direct myself to give a proper input once that the ‘old’ is self-forgiven.

 

I realize that I must do this in order to not let the points only be ‘exposed’ yet without having any proper direction, as that is equal to empty statements that are ‘gone with the wind’ as the mind will only be temporarily ‘exposed’ but not given full correction, which gives space for the same pattern to re-emerge. Thus I commit myself to give myself practical corrections that I see and realize I can live and apply in the immediacy of the context and events wherein I identify I experience such judgments and suppressions.

I let go of the idea of my writings having to be done in a perfect manner, I allow myself to see that perfection is not built and created ‘overnight’ as it has taken us time and space within an existential process of having detached from such perfection by our own acceptance and allowance of separation form ourselves as our own mind.

I see and realize that the experiences that I am facing at the moment are the direct result of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become in separation of ‘who I am’ as life.

Life is at this moment for myself being able to express, communicate, interact and participate in my physical reality without limitations and self-imposed boundaries, which is then recognizing my ability to give myself structure to establish a world as words of self-support that I vow myself to live as ‘who I am,’ through physically stopping and correcting/ directing the patterns that I have limited and reduced myself to within my mind.

I allow myself to expand my ability to express without holding any preconceived idea of ‘how’ and ‘who’ I must be while doing so, I allow myself to give myself that moment of innocence while and when I write myself to recognize my own creation and direct myself to correct it in Self-Responsibility for one’s own experience and for all in equality.

 

“In the BEGINNING was the the Word and the Word was God and the Word was With God, = See — we are Living Words, The Word made Flesh, The selF. Only one Problem. Where there is a Beginning there is an END. Only through ENDING what we have become as the Living Word will we be Able to recreate ourselves as Words and a WORLD that is Best for Life and for this we Must Become Life or end as a FILE in the Annals of History — just a Memory. Join the forum at Desteni.” – Bernard Poolman

 

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Further Support:


Day 4–Lugubrious Romantic

The word implies that which I have identified with before as an ‘artist’ and the usual miserable/ victimized experience that I created for myself within this particular ‘view’ upon life. That in itself implies having a constant ‘filter’ through which I would view the world, with a sense of despair and hopelessness which has taken me quite a while to stop as I participate in my world. It even became like a constant facial expression as if something troubled me, concerned me or worried me too much,  a constant sense of apprehension toward reality. This eventually became part of what I would write, draw, paint and specifically my inner experience while taking photographs, always a sense of ‘nostalgia’ lol – quite the usual personality-fix for a tormented personality.

I watched a vlog that I made on being a ‘visual vicious’ and I realized how much I had resisted facing this point due to the ‘hold’ I created toward it as ‘my personality’ as ‘my specialness’ – which is now here, opened up and ready to be debunked again.

 

The word ‘Romance’ came up at the Forum and I decided to investigate the meaning of it further. I found the following definition which resonated with what I had ‘lived as’ throughout my life, and that I am still walking-through when it comes to a daily interaction with my environment and the experience of myself while doing so.

    Romance:
    a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life.

     

And I also found Adam’s blog Getting Down from High to be dwelling around the same point, which I found quite supportive in order to see the ‘value’ aspect that I had given to this particular way of ‘seeing reality’ and cutting the crap of it for the sake of Stopping giving values and seeking specialness outside of ourselves as ‘how we view the world’

 

What had been right in front of me as this spot of distraction and preoccupation had been this unseen and fearful judgement of myself as worthlessness, having visions of validation as something special, this sparkling treasure of the wasteland. – Adam Closs

 

I really laughed while reading this because that’s what I became when seeking anything to ‘beautify’ through my ‘glorious eye’ by taking pictures of something, and I would go through phases of regret when not having a camera with me while seeing something that ‘would make a great picture.’ Then this goes with the thoughts of being able to share the pictures on my photoblog and having people writing poems over it, lol! That’s how it worked some 5 years ago. I have diminished my obsession with ‘capturing moments’ by taking thousands of photos,  however the experience that I created around looking at the world and everything around me with some sense of ‘awe’ became quite ingrained in my reality. This would be a constant experience within me wherein I would solace to see the world as something that could ‘drain me’ and ‘overwhelm me’ – essentially seeking sublimation even by seeing a ‘beautiful sunset’ every day. I remember – and I have shared this experience before-  how I would be amazed at a particular time of the day where the sun shone upon some weeds at the farm, something similar to this:

 

 

and I was walking with Sunette before horses in that moment and I let her know how I would experience myself while seeing the whole landscape, how I would experience that ‘glow’ on the plants as something overwhelming somehow. She explained to me how I could simply ‘be here’ as the flowers, as the glow, as the entire moment without creating an experience about it. And that was a very cool lesson for me in that moment to see I had created a point of separation by adding judgments to ‘beautify’ and place more ‘value’ on plants according to the time of the day and how the sun would shine upon them.

 

I actually had two moments during the same day – two days ago – of wanting to have a camera with me as I went past a dead rat and a dead black cat on the sides of the road I usually walk around. In that moment there was a desire to ‘take a picture of it’ – it became so ingrained within me to want to ‘take a picture of it’ that I had to literally force myself to continue walking and stop staring at the dead animals while thinking ‘I can go get my camera, but there’s not gonna be enough light then’  and I simply decided to let it go, I had to say to myself: ‘alright, I let it go’ and in my mind there’s like this ‘nooo!’ because of ‘missing out a great shot’ – yet it was cool to actually let the moment go by.

 

It was also interesting to see how when I was on my way back, the rat had been squashed open, which made me ponder ‘if I had taken that picture, I would have gotten the perfect shot without all the viscera and blood pouring out, and one with the ‘aftershock.’ I kept walking and gave a second and final glance to the cat lying on the side of the road. I mean, who created such an obsession to take photos in such a compulsive manner? I did! So, I am physically letting go of that desire to ‘capture it all’ – otherwise I would have thousands of pictures as that desire to engulf reality into a series of two-dimensional picture representations that have never equated the actual sight and reality of it. One picture won’t ever hold the actual essence of the moment, which is always here, as ourselves, and doesn’t require to be held for posterity charged with some nostalgia in it.

It’s quite interesting, I just wrote a blog about validation and this ‘value’ that we seek for in any other way than life itself. This mechanism of wanting to ‘capture the moment’ is certainly a way to ‘cherish the moment’ which is how I would define taking pictures to be. Making something ‘more’ than what it is by my ‘godly act’ of taking a picture of it and pondering it for others to see.
Now, this doesn’t mean that that has to stop obviously, but it’s definitely cool to debunk this entire perception of reality and simplify it to share it for what it is and stop all experiences around it.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in arrogance and spite by committing myself to and as my own judgement according to my own world of energy and self-interest.”  Adam Closs

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever accept and allow myself to define me as a visual vicious

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to preserve, capture and ‘cherish’ a moment by taking photographs in order to satisfy the experiences that I have created and separated myself from while diminishing a moment of life, here as breath, to a single energetic experience of ‘fulfillment’ within the frame of ‘who I am’ as having a particular curiosity toward that which I see in my reality, not realizing that the moment that I stop breathing and go into a desire to capture it, I am separating myself from that which I see and use it to get an energetic fix that satisfies my senses within the definition of who I am and have become as – I see resistance to say it – a romantic, as that experience of excitement when encountering something that is ‘out of the ordinary,’ creating a energetic experience that I tend to cling on to, in order to ‘make the experience last.’

 

I realize that I have separated myself from that which I see and that I can only create a point of specialness toward that which I see according to me valuing life in separate ways wherein what I see can be ‘more’ or ‘less than’ according to how I have ‘rated’ my reality according to aesthetic values in separation of Life as who I am

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever get pissed off at art theory classes when talking about beauty and the sublime and believing that they were ‘raping reality’ by placing it into categories according to the human experience imprinted onto reality, as that which is here, without realizing that I was still living this point as myself when wanting to capture certain points of my reality from the starting point of glorifying it and having others glorifying it and perpetuate the eternal mindfucks we have created and imposed on to life as our own mind-frames onto that which is unconditional life-expression here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint my own desires to generate an experience in accordance to that which I deem ‘beautiful’ or ‘overwhelming’ as the experience that I have allowed myself to trigger from seeing and observing the reality that is here, that I have separated myself from in the name of becoming only the ‘eye’ that observes, that defines, that categorizes and that is able to generate an experience out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience aloofness and wanderlust whenever  I would go walking through a certain place and environment while holding my camera, which would validate my experience of being excited and with a sense of mystery in relation to what I would find to take photographs of, encapsulating the entire event as part of my own ‘mystical experiences’ that I generated within my mind throughout my life.

 

I realize that I am in fact separating myself from that which I see the moment that I create an energetic experience that I allowed myself to become addicted to whenever I am interacting with everything and everyone in my reality, in any given moment, and seek for ‘the perfect framing’ of it as a photograph in my mind, without realizing that this can only exist as a quirk that satisfies the personality that I created for myself as the ‘romantic observer of life.’

 

I realize how I am making more of something that I have literally separated myself from, that I am mental-i-zing it by ‘making it beautiful’ without actually considering the relationships that everything and everyone – including nature, the animal kingdom, the environment – are currently existing as in order to exist in a particular way, which is certainly not nice, not pretty and is rather abusive in all possible ways to create an experience out of anything that we See.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having become infatuated with creating experiences out of seeing a sunset, seeing a dead animal, seeing the seemingly ‘ugly’ and trying to make it ‘special’ which can only be an overall and full-circle mindfuck, as I am the one that is judging and creating/ making of them something ‘more’ than who I am here – as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having desired to create a point of specialness within me as having this ‘particular way of looking at life’ and creating a ‘sensitivity’ toward it as a mind experience wherein I would feel excited and whimsical when being in an environment wherein I wanted to engulf reality into a two-dimensional picture in order to satisfy my desire to ‘own’ the picture that I see through my eyes, not realizing that this is in fact me wanting to ‘ponder’ it above everything else in this reality that I have separated myself from.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reinforce this particular ‘view’ upon life which is creating an experience of excitement and bewilderment and acting in a whimsical way as to identify myself as ‘someone special that sees life with a different view’ which is what became props for my ‘artistic ego’ and that I used to reinforce the personality and idea of myself as being somewhat ‘gifted’ to be able to take photographs and show to others that which would be seemingly trivial for the majority of people.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and construct myself as the idea of someone that is ‘different’ and ‘special’ for being able to find ‘pleasure’ in the seemingly trivial instances in our reality, without realizing that such pleasure and bewilderment was created within my mind to reinforce the idea of me being ‘eccentric’ and ‘out of this world’ and ‘special’ by being able to see that which others seemed to overlook all the time.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop my personality as the ‘moment capturer’ to such an extent that it is able to drive myself to do anything possible to fulfill my obsession to capture a moment, wherein I completely miss the awareness of myself as my physical body, and become an energetic experience that seeks to be satisfied up until the moment of having it in my memory card, ready to be shared with ‘others’ to get the necessary confirmation that validates what I see as something ‘beautiful’ or ‘special’ or ‘great.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse what I see in the name of my own ego, which is how we have abused and depleted each other in this reality by getting an energetic experience from others in the name of our own pleasure and excitement and satisfaction, without realizing the actual nature of that which we see as ‘beautiful’ which is only a label that we have created in order to have something ‘ugly’ in this world. It is unacceptable to continue being life-taggers, in separation of everything and everyone that we interact with.

 

I realize that for me to continue stopping my participation in creating an experience out of seeing dead animals to take photographs of, I must stop my participation in the idea of me being able to find beauty where others see ‘morbidity’ and that whenever I see myself reacting/ creating an experience when encountering a dead animal or anything else that ‘captures my attention,’ I stop and I breathe – I bring myself back to the physical and do not allow myself to create an experience, a judgment and opinion upon that which I see. Instead I embrace it as myself, I amalgamate as my physical body to not distract me from keeping breathing, walking, doing and in that, stop the rush and seemingly uncontrollable desire to ‘capture the moment.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever experience resistance to let go of this idea of being ‘the artist’ that sees life in a ‘different and special way’ which is only part of the personality that I used to seclude myself from the Actual events and Actual reality that is existing here as suffering and continuous abuse, while indulging myself in these ‘fluffy’ experience that I dared to create out of that which would be usually deemed as ‘morbid’ or ‘macabre’ and in that,

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the experiences that I create within my mind out of that which trigger a point of preference and identification as the personality that I have built, existing with ‘particular preference’ that never considered that all that is here as life is me – one and equal – and that I can only ponder something and create an experience out something or someone if I exist in separation of myself, as-it as well.

I realize that the only moment that I exist is here as breath, and that taking photographs is a possibility for myself as long as I do not create an experience that enhances my self-definition as the perceived ‘specialness’ and ‘weird’ preferences that I created and enhanced throughout time in order to be ‘eccentric’ and ‘out of the ordinary’ by taking that which would be seemingly morbid and wanting to make it something beautiful

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created a fascination with death to the extent of using the moment of breath as life here in order to create an energetic experience out of seeing a dead animal, that which is in decay, that which is rotten, that which is deconstructing. All aspects are points that I have used to define ‘who I am’ and ‘what I alike’ which is controlling the way that I see, judge, define and value the reality in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to defend my voyeuristic experience of the unconditional expression of life and the dead by saying that ‘I see beauty where others don’t’ lol which is quite a statement of the glorification of ‘the eye of the mind’ as being ‘beyond’ how others see reality, without realizing that I am the only one that is separating myself from that which I see through filtering reality with this romantic view on life and the physical reality that I am equal and one to.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fascination out of that which I see, including that which would usually be terrifying like the shape and form of an atomic bomb, the gigantic waves of a tsunami, the smoke from explosions, fire burning down the woods, water flooding an entire city, tornadoes devastating areas, demolished buildings, old houses, death people on the highways, dead animals on the pavement and anything that resonates with death and destruction alike in a visual way.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually experience resistance when realizing that I must let go of this fascination for decay which is an aspect that many people experience, yet  we don’t dare to express that it actually ‘turns us on’ in a certain excitement and ‘sublimation’ when looking at it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever create a ‘pleasant experience’ out looking at something that is usually considered as repulsive when it comes to death and destruction.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to overlook this experience within me because of deeming it as ‘not relevant’ to who I am, without realizing that it actually comprises my constant ‘state of being’ when I exist as the eye of the mind that seeks for these experience in every corner that I go looking at while walking and interacting in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to degrade a physical experience of myself here as life, into a mental experience within a mix of emotions and feelings wherein I am in fact separating myself from that which I see and make it ‘more’ than myself in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seduce myself to take a picture of something from the starting point of an experience, instead of actually realizing that I can take pictures without having an entire personality and energetic experiences loaded while doing so.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value something as ‘special’ when it is usually not considered as such within the general terms and preference of a ‘majority,’ which implies that within these ‘particular’ and ‘bizarre’ and ‘weird’ preferences, I created a deliberate antagonism to that which is usually/ generally deemed as grotesque/ macabre and disturbing, which is part of the entire personality I created as a way to go ‘against the flow’ in means of separating myself from ‘the rest’ and ‘elevating’ myself to a point of specialness according to ‘how I see reality,’ without realizing that it is the exact same mindfuck as anyone else that seeks beauty, love and happiness. I would get a kick out of tragedy, death and destruction.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enhance my energetic experience by using images of this reality as a point of ‘artistic stimulation’ which is usually called ‘inspiration’ which is just a preprogrammed piece that I separated myself from to be constantly creating a sense of ‘bewilderment’ about life and death, and every other phenomena in order to make it ‘more’ than myself, which can only exist as a mind experience within me.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get ‘high’ on that which I see in my every day living when deeming it as beautiful and special and ‘great’ in the visual sense of my experience toward this reality.

 

I commit myself to stop all mental separation and experiences created from the mindfucks that I have accepted and allowed myself to create in the name of my own experience, singling myself out as in being able to create a pleasant visual experience out of that which would usually not be considered ‘pleasant to the view’ at all.

 

I realize that all of this is just part of what I have created within myself in order to keep me distracted and entertained in my mind, no different to anyone that solaces on love and light or gets intoxicated to experience ‘the world’ in a different way. I realize that I have done this every time that I accepted and allowed myself to shift the reality of the physical moment into a mental-experience of feelings and emotions within myself.

When and as I see myself being fascinated by the sight of a dead animal on the road, I stop and I breathe – I realize that it is only me and my desire to reinforce the idea of myself as ‘liking such sights of life/death’ as a preference that is activating the entire personality as the ‘lugubrious romantic,’ that I am in fact able to stop to not recreate an experience out of it and get a certain satisfaction from, without realizing that it is the ultimate egotistical creating of myself as ‘an observer’ and seeing myself as detached from that which I become fascinated by, which a form of vampirism that I have created while masking it in the name of art and beauty and ‘creativity.’

 

I realize that any experience or judgment that may come up at the moment for me having to realize what I have found pleasure on, is absolutely unnecessary – I forgive myself and I am able to let go of it, as I commit myself to simply stop all delusions in my mind projected onto that which I see as my physical reality.

 

I commit myself to stop all infatuation and fascination to that which I tend to become obsessed and completely ‘taken over’ in a single moment that I define that which I see in my every day living as something that I could ‘take a picture of,’ and completely forget about realizing that such desire to keep ‘memories’ is quite the function of the mind to continue reinforcing the definition of myself within a limited personality as ‘the artist’ with a particular ‘tastes in life.’

Wtf are ‘tastes in life’? Only layers of mental-delusions imposed onto life. Unacceptable.

 

I commit myself to realize that the only point I can allow myself to define as a creative experience, is not to become a voyeur of life, but become that which considers the actual relationships and reality of everything that I see ‘outside of myself’ and instead, look at how I have separated myself from that which I see and how I can become that which is able to manifest a world wherein expressions no longer drive our ‘human curiosity’ as a desire to make something ‘more’ than the rest by my own mind, but instead consider the actual expression that I am able to equalize myself-to when stopping the mind and simply allowing myself to be here as breath as I go seeing reality, regardless of how I have ‘tagged’ and categorized that which I see.

I continue the commitment that I’ve been walking in stopping the ‘visual vicious’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and actually consider that creating an experience out of seeing dead animals is a preprogrammed fascination with ‘death’ that I accepted and allowed to drive my creative-expression with to reinforce an idea of myself as liking that which is ‘macabre,’ which is only abusing the same unconditional expression through categories as preferences I created within my own mind.

 

I commit myself to actually honor all life equally which begins by me stopping creating experiences from that which I see in separation of myself, and instead walk a process of integration – not separation – from that which I see to start considering how I exist as such expressions and how I am able to consider their actual experience as part of this reality, which is far more constructive in a best for all way, rather than solacing in experiences when looking at something.

 

To read further on other points I have walked as this particular personality suit check out the following blogs:

 

Vlog:

2008 Visual Vicious

 

And Adam’s blog: Getting Down from High

deadfrog
Dare to See  (2011)

 

Further support on Self Forgiveness:
Bernard Poolman: Day 3: Resistance to Change

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