Category Archives: health

650. Becoming a Mother in 2020 and Settling into Motherhood

 

It’s 2021 already and many months have gone by since my last written update on how motherhood is going. I’ll explain why it has taken this long because I owe it to myself since I’ve been having this blog as a self recording public process space since 2008, it virtually holds all relevant details of my life and this process of essential change,  but for several months my oh so comfortable rug underneath me was suddenly lifted and I had to figure out what the hell was going on in the world while at the same time I was fitting my new shoes as a mother and finding out that the “far away” crazy lockdowns in china were suddenly going to  become our reality…. Then everyone going paranoid about the possible harms – Including myself of course – and having to now step up in this new living role while the world had gone absolute bunkers. It wasn’t easy, nope. It was quite the timing I would say to give birth and then suddenly as I was immersing myself in this whole motherhood thing, stuff in the world also grabbed my attention and, being who and how I am, I couldn’t just ignore it and sink into my own newborn bubble.

Looking back I like saying that this is all a blessing in disguise to all of us, a very much needed shake up to wake up to own who we really are. But, I will stick to the topic at hand and so, the story begins.

After my last blog where I shared about the first three months after giving birth, I went into a spiraling experience with regards to what was going on in the world with the whole covid crisis and trying to make sense of where we were and where this all was heading to. This is also a disclaimer on how some of my views here may not yet entirely be balanced out into an equilibrium of testing things out and sharing proven results from it. I will be sharing about decisions I’ve made based on my investigation – knowledge and information – yet, I decided to write about it here because, if anything it may at least open up someone to consider more beyond what may go usually unquestioned when it comes to the medical establishment  and what it has deemed as “care” for newborns and babies.

Many of our decisions and choices as new parents are based on fear or plain compliance to the norm. Part of my responsibility as a mother now is that I had to make informed decisions based on some of the – now in looking back at it – rather ‘usual societal pressures’ on supposed-health-care, such as constant visits to the doctor and getting babies inoculated with aluminum, mercury, animal dead tissues and so called inert “viruses” – read poisons- to apparently develop my daughter’s immune system because… everyone does it and doctors say so. Well, this simple question of “are we going to do vaccines?” Led me to an extensive research that crossed paths with the then ongoing speculation about the covid vaccine and it’s possible harms.

A disclosure here: I understand some parents have zero problems with following the vaccination schedule and their doctor’s orders and may disagree with what I have to say

It’s ok, not everyone will or has to follow this path yet it is my will to share about it since that is part of my living principles of doing what I can see and test to be best for all. Yet, I’m also aware of the social engineering process that has taken place for almost a century to prep people into never questioning what certain authorities sell as “safe and effective” measures for health and especially on newborns.

I will express however, how I can understand If someone else thinks otherwise. I’m no authority on any of these topics and I’m sharing about it because this is an important path in my journey to life, to make informed decisions in a way I can test out to see if that is indeed what I see is best and own that decision regardless of the outcomes, that’s just how I roll. If I find something that may prevent unnecessary shit in someone else’s life, I’ll talk about it and this is one of those things.

Enough with the apologies though!

I consider there is a way where we can step outside of name calling each other “conspiracy theorists” or “sheeple” and come together with common sense to investigate some facts about such proposed “medicine” and decide to walk a certain path to see whether those facts correlate to what’s supportive for an infant’s health or not. You know? Like real science used to do before covid1984.

I am aware that deciding to  not vaccinate our child sounds like experimenting with someone else’s health or even sound irresponsible to some – and that’s why I’ve taken my time to know what I was getting myself into by taking “an alternative path” of not vaccinating and being able to own that decision in whichever way that choice plays out, which for now I’m quite settled with as the best option.

My partner is fully vaccinated and he is probably the healthiest person I’ve known at a physical level, though there are some indices of him not being neurotypical and even if he doesn’t link that to vaccines, I reserve my ability to have a different view based on the research I’ve been doing on this subject. I have had some vaccines too and I’m alright – apparently – even though I have started to consider upon research how some chronic experiences having to do with throat and tonsils since I was a child may as well be related to vaccine injury. This is all conjecture but worth considering when it comes to the path we chose and that I am quite certain by now is the best and how the whole vaccination process is completely unnecessary and formulated within a paradigm that will soon be obsolete: germ theory.

I also understand that part of my “patterns” is to try to save others from walking through tough consequences or “preventing them from evil” type of thing and, that came up quite wildly towards my relatives these past months, until I finally realized I was trying to play savior with “my side of the story” which in fact, yes, stands as a polarity of what’s currently being embraced as truth by the majority of people with regards to the mainstream narrative around the virus and what not. I can also absolutely understand how I might be wrong and playing just the other side of the coin here and not seeing both sides equally, though for now this is my path, my understanding and it seems I will walk this as part of my self honesty and self creation, I including now the responsibility I have towards my child’s wellbeing.

See, I am aware how many of these points are hot topics that may contribute to the already ongoing polarization, but I’d like to consider there is a way to Still make informed choices and walk that talk in a self responsible manner without necessarily advertising it or trying to “convert” others to do the same, which I admit I do have a tendency to do and surely, that makes me another dictator just like the people we are currently “blaming” as the sources of imposing these limiting and nefarious measures, Not realizing that! They are us as well, we are all equally responsible for what’s here right now unfolding on Earth and I have no plans to try and “escape it” since many things might become inevitable and dare I say rather Necessary consequences for us to realize what the heck we have accepted and allowed our reality to become through our tacit or explicit consent.

Having said all this, there is also a necessary constant check of this current stance I’m taking and not making myself feel like “I know better” or “I’m superior” because of it, I’ve done that before within this process and surely, it has led me to plain isolation and alienation from others. I do see I have yet to moderate myself on these aspects and that it is Very easy to fall into the righteousness trap in relation to having a 1certain “position” around this.

Here words like consideration for others and humbleness to understand ‘where others are at’ are necessary, and this is where I see my Achilles heel  exists. Even my partner has explained several times how I’m just playing the exact opposite of what mainstream says and as such, I’m no different to that which I am criticizing and saying No to. And it is so, I can understand that view as well, but I still won’t be “doing as I must” when I am aware those are not best for all rules or decisions.

But! Haven’t we all done that anyways, always? Without a question? Yep! How about not questioning how money works and how poverty and starvation and disease are an Inside job and how we all could change it if we could agree to do so? Yet we haven’t and we keep complying to the value of our made out of thin air money and believe in its “almost divine” source as unique and not ever even flicker to consider things could be different for everyone. Yep! I have and still am doing that. It just happens that currently these – to me- absurd measures are now on our face quite literally and the rest of our acceptances and allowances are just an ever permeating seemingly dormant set of beliefs and interests we don’t really ever question.

This means that we had to get ourselves to this point, a breaking point as humanity to precisely wake up from slumber and perhaps that discomfort of not getting enough oxygen by wearing a mask for several hours a day, makes us question everything we have believed as “authority ” or “truth” or “right” throughout our entire “lives” – I hope so, in any case, this is not all in vain.

Well, looking back I’m grateful that opened up because it got me to understand a lot more about what we generally call viruses, the falsehood of germ theory and got to understand terrain or cellular theory, which actually makes a lot more sense since it places health as a self responsible act of creating wellbeing in one’s body, rather than falling into the current madness where people are believing that some invisible attackers are going to kill us or cause disease = there is zero self responsibility in such paradigm and that is why people indulging in wearing masks (within the belief of feeling protected from a virus while neglecting focusing on creating real health in their mind and body) are losing the sense of real responsibility in their lives, because of not understanding the greater plot of this all and just following the norms. To me, ignorance nowadays is a choice. Most people has a computer in their pockets and information on this abounds in the internet, yes, even if censorship is also rampant.

I won’t go into explaining all details or sources to what I just wrote above here, but anyone Interested is welcome to contact me to provide study material to understand what I’m merely describing in very general terms here.

Getting to understand and cross reference this all took me months – including seeing in real time my child’s first year alive – and they ran parallel to some rather uncomfortable months when it came to settling in with becoming a mother. In fact, I did probably get so absorbed by wanting to understand it all that I neglected my child. That is something I am ashamed of admitting but, it is the only way I can also get to confront myself and my priorities and decide to change that as a self honesty point in my life. What kind of neglect? It’s not that I didn’t feed her or attend her basic needs, but I was certainly disconnected from her, not really PRESENT which is something I had ‘tried’ working on during the first three months. I won’t be hard on myself though, as soon as I finished my postpartum quarantine, the world quarantine began and suddenly the world changed in a way I didn’t expect it would and as fast as it did. I was trying to make sense of the madness and I now know many others went through a similar experience, mostly people like me that want to keep abreast of world events and already know some of the plans laid out for humanity as a whole.

I share this is not to justify my lack of presence though, I would get too imbued into the searching and getting to ‘connect the dots’ that even if I was with her all the time, I wasn’t really Fully with her, I was processing and considering where it all was going to, and I also started understanding a whole new paradigm when it comes to health etc. Which was awesome by the way, since I had a tendency to ‘fear germs’ and with having a baby there’s this whole notion of having to ‘sanitize’ and ‘disinfect’ and ‘sterilize’ everything she eats from and touches on lol, so, by ditching that idea upon understanding terrain theory, I definitely liberated myself from that kind of ‘passed on’ information from previous generations which would have certainly added some extra paranoia upon the existing global one. The results? After a year of her life, she is perfectly fine!

But, I kept wanting to understand what was going on in the world and in the medical realm as a life or death thing – which in a way it is. I still had the benefit of her father being at home since this opened up during month 3 to around 7 of my child’s life that I zoomed into this whole information web and made it my focal point of attention. Yep, went through lots of info on several fronts from medical, to global politics, spirituality and re reading some of the Desteni material and audios on the topic, such as the viruses ones.

The outcome of that? Prolonging my process of actually settling in with doing what I’m now here to do which is to take care and support my daughter in all ways: Be a mother.

How did that go? I will not sugar coat it. I didn’t really develop a genuine or dare I say “natural” sense of what people can define as “love” for her until around her 6th month. Everything before that was a mere creation of habits and integrating care and attention towards her in practical terms. It is ok, I don’t judge the fact that I didn’t instantly “felt love” towards my daughter in the way I have known and seen – or was told – other mothers did or felt. I even recall my mother after many months saying ‘It’s the first time I see you smile.’ I did judge myself for this and have explained a bit of this in my previous blog. To me it makes sense that it took time to get used to her, to know her, to have a new being in our relationship and getting used to redefining “my life” now as a mother, yep, letting go of my old life and really settling in doing that extremely important job in the world and one that I feared the most: becoming a mother.

After her first 6 months, I started to experience more of what many might call “love” as a feeling, but to me it is more like me being able to enjoy more of my expression with her and towards her and this didn’t come easy at first as I’ve just mentioned. I just didn’t have that program ready to run the moment she was born, and it’s just how it was for me. And even if I had the most natural and unmedicated birth with immediate breastfeeding and keeping at it several times a day and having the fortune of not having to leave her to others to take care of her – as I continue doing- that “bonding” everyone talked about just wasn’t there or what I thought I had to be “feeling” –  which now I see is part of the things I had to completely shed off: the ideals, the stereotypes and anything else I’ve stored as “the way mothers feel and do.”

I realized each person has a very unique path and process in their experience and that is how it goes, we can’t possibly compare ourselves in that or to anything really. We can learn from each other for sure and that applies in terms of investigating all things and keeping what’s best. It’s also why I share my experience and it’s what makes our human experience quite rich and dare I say bearable too in knowing how others deal with things or how we process them. So, that’s how I currently do within this new phase and role I have as the mother hehe.

I’m here to learn to live the best of myself now as a “guide” and company to another new being in this world and it is a completely new experience that will always be unique to each one, and as with anything else, it stands just where it should as part of our individual process.

I share this because perhaps more mothers feel like “bad mothers” if they didn’t feel that “immediate bonding” with their child or start wondering if there is “something wrong with them” and who knows? Perhaps it was part of a post partum depression or in my case more like an extended quarantine plus not being able to satiate my thirst to understand what we were going through as humanity and at the same time getting used to and being there for my child 24/7 and being suddenly in a very slow paced life after my very active and “get stuff done” life and mindset. I knew this was my “pause” in life and that it was time to embrace it, but the world context didn’t make that entirely easy.

Let’s say it as it is, it’s hell of a weird time to be bringing a child into this world and many times I keep feeling like the character in the Italian movie “Life is Beautiful” where they make of the whole war and concentration camps a game for their child. Ok, we aren’t that far yet, but it certainly has already been a challenge for Minerva to get to be comfortable around more people and not knowing how to react because of everyone wearing masks and not being able to read people’s expressions. Sigh. It is just part of what she will have to deal with out in the streets – but we are also fortunate to have others on the same boat with us in realizing the importance of our children developing with some normalcy like being able to laugh and see each other’s faces and share hugs and be around each other without fear.

We were worried about her not getting enough social interaction with other kids and adults beyond us and my parents, but luckily during the summer we did meet up with other two families and have been seeing each other in the flesh regularly and it’s been great. I never appreciated social gatherings as much as I do now, and sure I guess we all had the same kind of experiences of craving social contact in times like these and now we do with more mothers and kids and that’s been quite a new phase for me as well of having something in common with new people and all of us craving social interaction for ourselves and for our children.

Back to the main topic here, to me it made sense that I simply had to get used to the whole life change over time and deliberately paving my way with living the words unconditional love and care. I also see that it’s easier to start bonding with your child once that they start to interact more with you and you get to see more of their expression when being with them, which is something that doesn’t really show when they are newborns and it’s all just diaper change, sleep, eat and carry around – or perhaps it was me that didn’t see the subtleties at the time due to the same shock experienced of becoming a primary caregiver to a newborn. Holy cow. AND! Then bam! Lockdowns, mass hysteria and people stopping to kiss and hug as usual – along with the rest of the paranoia that ensued in 2020.

So, overall,  I did question myself about me not having such “maternal flair” so to speak, but I realized this was just me trying to compare or fit into ideas of mothers I’ve seen around me. I kind of went… “F… It! That wouldn’t be me” and embraced myself as a mother, as how I wanted to be with her which is something I did by focusing on My expression  first around her and then, by default, my relationship and expression towards her unfolded in a more natural, carefree and genuine way. This was liberating and this is an ongoing process where even more so when being with others and my daughter I have to let go of feeling observed or judged etc. Because I’ve seen how this becomes the primary concern for mothers when allowing other voices, comments or opinions to become their guide to assess “how well they are doing as a mother” which is quite normal to go through for a novice in any job or position. And! Adding the layer of not doing what could be defined as normal or traditional parenting but going more into the current alternative routes that can be defined as radical parenting, so yeah! Not an exactly easy path in my context but! That’s just how we roll as a couple and now as a family, yay!

I decided to embrace me and my expression, how I decide to raise my child and owning it. That doesn’t mean being arrogant and not taking others’ words into consideration, but not immediately going into “panic” if I find out about something I haven’t been doing or considering.

To me and to us as a couple, Minerva is our parameter and if she is alright, growing well, healthy and being in general fine then, we’re going in the right direction. As simple as that.

I’ve been also learning to let go of some cleanliness attitudes because well! Babies! They eat and get everything all over the place and that is OK lol. So in general it’s been awesome to accompany her in discovering the world and watching myself to not become a control freak or impose something or do as others do – or did as my parents in their time and context did.

Instead, I practice learning to listen or see what she needs and being patient about her sudden desperation about things she wants and place myself in her shoes and understand her position of having everything be new to her and having no way to communicate with words what she is experiencing, that’s just some humbleness right there for me to learn.

Personally, I also had to let go of my antsy ways of wanting to “be productive” all the time and do a lot of “stuff” to feel like I am doing something or “getting somewhere”. Being with a newborn became a perfect excuse to test myself out with that and I kept my doings to the basic while still saying to myself it is ok and I can let go and enjoy the simplicity of the life we have, which I am quite content with actually.

Now she is one year and one month or 13 months old and I am more at ease and used to it all and more focused with what I’m here to be and do, which is to be a mother and raise a child within the context of – or upon the foundation of – being that change that I want to see in the world in one of the key areas in this reality to do so: parenting.

So, this comes from me as a person that many times tried to fit other people’s shoes, ideas and idealized version of people I thought were “better” or “greater” or more “normal” rather, and I only got to love being in my own skin when I embraced the uniqueness in me – which involves some weirdness or being not of this world like my partner says – that’s why he married me hehe. Sure! I’m Definitely not your regular kind of person here, but I wouldn’t want me to be any other way at all either.

One of the things I like about me is my authenticity and well, that’s what I’ve been around Minerva as well so, in the context of dipping my toes into motherhood. I didn’t fake attitudes when they weren’t coming from a genuine source within me, and I still check myself every time now that expressions of care are flowering like in spring so to speak. Little kisses, hugs, massaging, letting her know I care for her are now things I can genuinely say and do and it’s great! No faking and not asking anything of her either, all about me and my expression.

I’ve also been enjoying getting to know other mothers and having our meetings for our babies to be around other babies and kids and that’s been awesome too. Lol, I laugh because I never thought I would do things like that and hey! I actually enjoy it, even more so after this whole lockdown hysteria and finding people that are not paranoid or afraid to meet and share meals and spend time together, that’s been awesome and I’m really grateful for everyone I’ve met now as a mother.

It’s also been cool to be able to relate to for example my sisters as well as fellow mothers and understand them better from that common role and experience in life, and that’s something I’m grateful for because it has opened up communication about more in depth experiences we can go through as mothers, such as that idea and sensation that “we are not doing anything with our lives” and we might not be reaching certain financial or professional “success” and I’ve also opened up this whole topic in Spanish in my podcast here https://anchor.fm/encausarte/episodes/Encausarte-88-La-Maternidad-y-Poner-Nuestra-Vida-En-Pausa-el7qrh (for those that can understand) where I explain how we have been essentially brainwashed by currents of feminism and the ideals imposed of “modern women” that become successful business people or in certain professions and job positions that take up most of their time, while also raising kids. I don’t intend to judge anyone being a mother and being a full time working person here, but I speak from my observations on how it goes for the kids that don’t have their mothers at home because of work and how that eventually affects the whole of our society as well, based on the lacks these kids develop by not having their mother or both parents at home with them and barely get to BE with them. Its insanity and we have learned to see the staying-at-home mothers as “less than” those that choose to work.

Read me out though: Choose your priorities, because! We unfortunately do exist in a society and system where financial need does get the better of us and sometimes it is inevitable that both parents have to work to get to survive. And that simply obviously sucks. Let alone how it goes for single mothers, I honestly cannot imagine how hard it can be for them, yet, it is a very common situation as well and I would say isn’t ideal for anyone this way.

Here, a massively important topic opens up and that is MONEY. Because honestly, I don’t think many mothers would be that eager to work if there was a form of Living Income as an unconditional support for mothers that by the sheer outcome of having kids, requires money to survive – considering they are agreeing and willing to spend all their time with their kids to accompany that process of raising them and perhaps why not? Taking some courses and gathering support to become an effective father or mother if one has no idea of how to actually raise a child.

Here I’m also mostly talking about the essential first 7 years of age, but I’d even double that amount until the teenage years to have a solid certainty of having raised a child to the best of one’s ability to have them be a well grounded self responsible person that can make sound decisions with sufficient awareness and considering their lives as a contribution to the betterment of our society in every thought, word and deed. Not perfection reached by then! But surely being so in the making, as we all currently do in our lives within this Desteni Process.

I would not be able to be here pleasantly typing this while I breastfeed my daughter – that happens to also eat while sleeping-  if I didn’t have the financial support from others to do this. I don’t have to worry about going homeless or having to go to work somewhere to make money and leave my child with someone else, nor am I in constant anxiety about lacking my next meal and having an empty fridge has never been a problem to me. And nope this is not about feeling privileged, this is about the Russian roulette that exists as our current system and society where this is not something Guaranteed for every mother out there, and children, and fathers, and everyone else because, guess what? We all well know what would make us have a sense of security and support and have time to be the best versions of ourselves if we so decided to be so.

Becoming a mother has completely re-sensitized myself to consider and wonder “how other mothers do” when they lack the money and support from others to effectively care for their child? How would it be to have a child and having to breastfeed but not having even eaten yourself first!?

It really shocks me to what extent the whole world is able to be “lockedowned” in a matter of hours  for as long as it “apparently” takes to apparently “protect people” from getting Ill or dying – but we haven’t yet done anything similar to ensure that every single person alive is well fed and has a dignified living space – especially those with children! It baffles me, every single day to see the amount of money that goes to bs pseudo science and “studies” and f…ing so called “vaccines” – which should be called injectables btw- to apparently protect people from their own fear of dying while we haven’t realized that we don’t even know what it is like to truly be Alive! We don’t! If we knew, none of this absurdity and nonsense “rules” would be happening in the world because we would have learned how our bodies operate, how to best nourish ourselves, how to coexist with the environment and every single living part of it. We would have overthrown our so called authorities that are currently misleading towards a dictatorship because we would have learned to be self directed and be responsible for ourselves.

We would not be fearing a coming pseudo technocratic totalitarian governance because we would not have a reason to be told how to behave towards others or commit crimes against other ME’s for money, because we would have already cocreated a way to live our lives of mutual support and in consideration of the environment and other species that we share this realm with. These are just the basics to have a fulfilling Physical life, such as the principles embedded in the Equal Money System.

We wouldn’t be having a massive crisis of gender identities and races and nations, because we would be already living and loving others as ourselves regardless of skin colors, religions, nations, political affiliations or sexual preferences and we would all leave aside our individual beliefs to focus on that which makes us enjoy life and sharing our experiences with each other, learning from other, sorting out our messed up inherited world and create a common ground to thrive.

We would not be fearing to send our children to concentration-work-indoctrination-camps currently called “schools” because we would understand what it means to assist each child to reach their potential by facilitating the support they need to acquire the skills to become that which they want to develop and do with their lives! As an expression of themselves and not as a result of fear of survival.

We wouldn’t be worrying about the notion of a virus because we would have obviously understood the actual origin of these particles inside our bodies and as such, would not be fearing a part of ourselves as waste material that we simply have to learn to assist expelling out of our  bodies. I could go on and on, but you get the idea.

Right now the world is paralyzed in a fear of dying while we haven’t yet even begun to try Live and be self aware and know how our minds and bodies operate, let alone being able to properly assist a new being to do so for themselves.

I seriously hope more can see through the cracks of this current narrative and ask deeper questions like… why haven’t we all paralyzed our lives until every child is well fed and has a supportive environment to be raised in? Why haven’t we lockedowned the entire planet to install a new economic system that could assist us all to get our means to live well if we so choose to spend our time at home raising our children properly? That would change everything, but we don’t even think that is possible. We are too busy seeing who wins political selections or waiting for some panacea that will shield one from dying, apparently, disregarding the fact that many are too busy dying while alive in fear and failing to consider the play we are embodying until we decide enough is enough with our complacent roles.

Well I got a theory. Things will not get any better until we go to the root cause of it all and economic inequality and the lack of living principles are the points we need to focus on to start sorting this out. That involves getting to apply these tools of self investigation and self honesty as well, to see where and how we are actively contributing to the cocreation of this very evident delusion,  to truly rewire ourselves if we are indeed interested in getting to Live in the actual sense of the word in this world.

Well, this is how it goes with me. Even if this blog was supposed to be about myself and motherhood, I can’t play dumb or be oblivious to the times we are living in. I also understand this Is part of the consequence we have to walk through to finally – perhaps- get it, how hardship and troubles in this paradise won’t cease to exist until we sort out the root cause of our problems, which Is: ourselves, our self interest, our grand illusions that don’t consider what would be best for all.

Critical times we are living in and that also means it is an awesome time to be alive as well, because we are being forced to place the wheels of change in motion, finally moving along whether we are ready or not.

So, I want every mother to have sufficient economic, mental and relationship support in order to have everything necessary to be an effective parent. If we do that, if we made that our next goal as humanity along with an economic system that could cater it, we would witness the beginning of massive changes in our reality. Why not instead of fearing dying we start gathering to rethink the way we live among each other in this equally alive physical world? Sounds far more worthy time wise than living in fear of death and of each other.

Come on! Let’s let this all sink in and decide what we want to focus on and live. I’ve made my choice long ago, and for now I keep focusing on this very living present I got as an opportunity to contribute to this world change we want for ourSelf, because we are all it and the time is ripe to do so

For now, I’ll keep at it educating myself on how to best take care of my child, but also taking it easy around her and enjoying the lightness she brings to our day to day, the laughter, the enjoyment of the simplest things in life. I’m definitely keeping an eye on my spiraling into info worms and creating a balance so as to not go into extremes at times.

Thanks for reading

 

Becoming a Mother in 2020

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of creating yourself to be the best that you can be:



629. What I’ve learned about Self-Punishment

 

The previous blog I wrote about Self-Devaluation and The Body contained one aspect that I’d like to focus on in this blog, because I merely mentioned them summarily as self-aggression and how I called it self-flagellation. This is about in fact the concept of self-punishment and what one can ‘gain’ from it – yes, as ‘weird’ as it may sound initially.

Part of the Unlocking yourself process that I described in my previous blog is to open up to consider other people’s views, perspectives and ways of approaching a situation, which can be very enlightening and it’s been the case when taking on this subject to our group chats at Destonians.com. Last Wednesday, we discussed “What do we stand to gain from self punishment?” and it was eye opening to get to know the many ways that people can understand and see this point of self-punishment and how it is lived, why it is lived and the constructs or beliefs behind it that lead us to do such a thing to ourselves. 

I bring through something that Leila shared which was “it’s like we rule through punishment/sin instead of compassion/forgiveness” and that’s part of the points for me to take on and integrate as a realization, because upon judging myself, the idea is that I have to feel bad, feel tense, feel anxious, feel ‘within an upheaval’ about it, IS already a form of punishment as well. We’ve allowed ourselves to be wired in a way where we fixated more on the problems rather than focusing on the solutions. Self Forgiveness is the way to Understand the situation that we participated in, take responsibility in it and lay out the foundation to change, to live the correction and solutions.

But! Even if I thought I was doing this, the reality of my situation has proven me that one aspect of morality kept me blind from realizing that I wasn’t in fact self-forgiving and letting go for real, and that prevented me from Living forgiveness, which is living the ways in which I see is best for me in my current experience and life decisions – not hooking on fears of the past of what I did or didn’t do.  Therefore compassion I can redefine as being understanding of the situation, not being hard on myself, being able to also stand in the shoes of whoever is involved and not feel ‘bad’ about it because feeling ‘bad’ doesn’t sort anything out either, while also realizing that I can only focus on changing me and being the best that I can for me and those currently around me.

She also expressed there: “and punishment can be taken quite ‘broad’ — any type of tension or discomfort you create, why  do we punish ourselves with anxiety, what do you stand to gain from it? what do you fear more than anxiety that you wouldn’t give up your anxiety? do we fear freedom?”  And that is in fact THE point that I had to realize which is eye opening and a point of self-honesty: it isn’t nice or beautiful because it does create an awareness of ‘WTF why have I done this to myself? And the reality is that ultimately, in my case the whole reason why I reacted in this form of self-punishment is because of a belief that feeling bad and sorry would make ME seem like a ‘better person,’ someone that ‘cares’ because of how I have defined ‘care’ as ‘worry’ – when it should definitely Not be that of course – and as if I could ‘clear my sins’ through punishment; I could see the traces of religious constructs there as I explained in the chat too.

But beyond that, the ultimate point is exactly about our freedom, our actual ability to be self-directive, to take one’s authority to create, to have a blank slate of creation, instead of focusing on ‘the past’ and ‘what is there to Fix-Ate on’ or ‘feel bad about.’

This is ultimately one the big habits I’ve seen within me and that I have observed in others related to me genetically. It is as if ‘something had to be happening all the time’, something that is wrong, or something to ‘feel bad about’ and if one realizes that one is creating that, then it’s as if everything can suddenly be stopped.  The canvas of self-creation is unveiled and emerges for us to walk on. And because we actually don’t decide to act to live words, to focus on self-creation, we– by habit, by patterns and by ingrained acceptance and allowance –  bit by bit, step by step, allowance by allowance, just ‘roll back’ to the commonly ‘accepted forms’ of existing, which are mostly related to being in perpetual forms of emotional or feeling experiences, fear for the most part being ‘the mother of all other reactions’ like anxiety, sadness, depression, anger, guilt, shame, remorse… you name it. It is an energetic experience that as BAD as it can get within our bodies and the effects it creates within it, we keep blindly participating in it, creating any other form of story to give ourselves an excuse to almost ‘keep ourselves busy with’ trying to kind of remake a puzzle that is already framed and hanging on the wall, it is that useless to keep living in fear related to past issues – but not limited to the past for sure.

The story that I told myself to justify living in such self-punishment is ‘having to pay for something I did’ and so, having to suffer in a way to ‘demonstrate’ that I cared or that I wasn’t too ‘cold blooded’ about things. Lol when in fact I could have lived it in a more sensible manner by genuinely introspecting and forgiving myself for it and embracing my ‘mistakes’ and move on with my life.  I created what I am experiencing at a physical level, and embracing that realization is a rather ‘uncomfortable truth’ that I had to process for a couple of days until I realized that reacting in sadness about it or anger towards myself is yet another way to keep ‘burying me alive’ so to speak, because any other distress or fear or judgment causes further oppression, tension and damage to my body, to OUR bodies.

The best way is to simply acknowledge it, almost like nodding to it and taking it in humbly to really realize that: I truly now have to let go, stop punishing myself, stop causing all of this dis-ease within me, this discomfort and ultimately this habit/addiction of worry and preoccupation to focus on my self-creation.  So far been applying this since I got ‘hands on’ for it these past couple of weeks and it’s been going good.

That question Leila posed ‘do we fear freedom?’ is a very, very relevant one because I’ve seen time and time again within me and others how it’s seemingly ‘easier’ to keep focusing on feeling bad, feeling emotional about things and believing one can’t ‘sort it out’ unless we are ‘given the green light’ by something or someone out there and because that won’t ever happen, it’s as if we just keep waiting for ourselves to truly let the ‘punishment’ go and lift up our own veils – which we have placed upon ourselves – and walk out in freedom.

There are some lyrics that I’ve been appreciating lately in Mexican music, and one song says “we are like prisoners and we think like prisoners’ and it talks about how we are ‘pulled by forces’ that seem to take us ‘wherever they go’ and have no self-direction. It is in fact the prisoner mentality that I was in, and it is through understanding how I came to create this, how I decided to ‘label’ my actions and how I decided to react to them – based on these constructs of morality and what seemed like reasonable to do ‘at the eyes of others’ – defined my experience in relation to this situation.

What happens once that one is done sorting through the repetitive ‘inner conflict’ about any point or experience – no matter how big or how subtle it may be – is that what is left is an open path to genuinely Live and be in all authority for self-creation.  The reality that I see is prevalent within us human beings is that, it’s ‘seems’ easier for us all to talk about the problems that are happening in the world, in how this or that politician is a corrupt or not or how things seem to be just ‘going nowhere’ but have no proposal to be participating in changing the tides that we’ve been ‘imprisoning’ ourselves into for far too long. It is a form of self-punishment as well because it recreates the problems, it just spreads the sense of despair as if nothing could be done about it. What I do then is to focus back on what needs to be looked at which is self-education, the values, the principles, the common sense as what’s best for all that is needed to be understood and lived and so, the need for parents to have these principles to educate their children too.

I would certainly want more people to become aware of this. I’ve been going to certain therapy and I can hear people around me constantly worrying about this or that pain. I have a genuinely good example in my life of what it is to be healthy in a very round sense of the word by NOT participating in any form of energy-trips related to any form of reaction, basically not participating in fear. My partner is that person and through my interactions with him my ‘habitual’ antsy patterns fueled by all kinds of seemingly ‘usual’ fears – no matter how ‘subtle’ or big they are – have been exposed to the nth degree. I can even say that my whole ‘self-punishment’ deal is a way for me to have that as a ‘constant point to be dealing with’ as an excuse to not deal with the very real and very present opportunities I have to break through those – yes – very ingrained habits (read addiction) that I had defined as ‘normal’. It has been through his constant feedback that I realized how much I can be in fact TENSE and fearing and worrying.

This is another aspect that pertains to my personality. I can be a very ‘intense’ person. This has its pros and cons. I can be a very intense person in a ‘good’ way so to speak wherein I can be very passionate and diligent and walk firm decisions in what I do and how I live it. But I can also be very Intense as in literally being IN-Tension about just anything that I may accept and allow myself to be worrying about or preoccupying myself with. This is precisely where the kind of person I am is basically also formed through the ‘learned ways’ I adopted from people around me. This has to do with being commonly worried, being rather dramatic about things, and it’s funny because I often would get annoyed and irritated by what I perceived as ‘dramatic people’ but, I’ve been seeing how I am precisely that. And this whole pattern of self punishment is a consequence of taking things TOO intensely. My partner helps me out to become aware of this by joking about it lol I then laugh and realize what I’m doing. But as I’ve said so before, I can’t go through life depending on him letting me know what I’m fixating on as a worry point.

I was talking with my cousin yesterday and we talked about driving cars. I have no intent to drive because I was involved in a car crash and even if I was not the driver, I took that as an excuse to create fear. I still again feel the fear as I write this and the same goes with bicycles and relating it back to an accident I had 10 years ago. These fears ‘gnaw’ me because I am over vigilant when being in a car or even when seeing people driving bikes on car lanes. I must admit that thoughts of the car crashes come up when I’m riding with someone in a car and even more so go into a rather intense reaction whenever we may come to any ‘close’ point to crashing. I get agitated and I Know I can change it and it IS a matter of perception and deciding to no longer exist in fear about something that happened some time ago already.

Something that I’ve been telling myself in those moments when being in a car – not driving – is one of the principles that my partner lives by. I tested it out the other day to see if it assisted me to deal with these fears while being in a car and that is ‘always expecting the best of everything and everyone.’ What comes to mind is…. Well that’s disingenuous, we KNOW people are not all good, we know there’s evil, we know shit can happen!! Etc. but even in that response, there I already ‘revamped’ all the sources of fear that can mainly exist in any given moment in one’s daily life, regardless of even defining certain activities as ‘dangerous’ or potentially harmful. The other day while driving in the back of a car and noticing the driver was speeding a bit, I noticed the fears coming up again and this time I breathed and reminded myself: expect the best of the situation. And that was supportive but I do honestly need to work more on grounding myself to reality in those moments and learning to not participate in the ‘what if’ fears.

I realize that I can’t also be externalizing these fears every single time I am driving with someone in a car, because that’s not really the point as I then implant the fear and idea in the other person that’s driving. This is about me practically letting go of ‘worst case scenarios’ which have become a way to ‘spike’ my mind into a reaction in any given situation. And yes this is not only when it comes to cars, but also when crossing streets and dealing with any form of traffic. Can I continue living that way? No.

Even in walking I am extra cautious, extra vigilant and perhaps there’s tension accumulating because the background to that hyper-vigilance is fear of cars as well.

So as I was saying, my cousin said with a big smile ‘well you just have to stop fearing driving a car and that’s it!’ like taking it very lightly. The back of my mind could have reacted like ‘oh it’s so easy to say it!’ because that would be a way to revamp all the reasons and justifications of ‘why I should remain in fear of cars and driving’ and that would mean being free to actually perhaps take the steps to be ‘free from fear.’ The simplicity with which she took the whole thing amazed me, the solution seemed simple and it really is! The ‘hook’ that keeps me ‘hooked on fear’ is made out of reasons, excuses and justifications of why I should remain in fear, and that’s in fact a point of self-limitation that I’m holding on to, no matter how ‘bad’ or ‘credible’ my inner-stories are: IF they are causing any form of tension, discomfort, fear or even anxiety as it’s been happening around that topic, Then I have to let go of it. It is as simple as that, and yes it may be challenging due to how I have also been ‘justifying’ these fears in terms of how there are some reckless people driving on the streets, or how ‘badly’ some people may drive, on how everyone speeds, on how many people die in car crashes and yes, I could spiral myself out of control and really bury myself with all kinds of fears around driving or being in a car… but that’s not the way to exist.

I even realized that one of my last videos on YouTube was about walking through that fear of driving and even if I was getting to enjoy the driving in the lessons, then the crash came and I crawled back into my shell of fearing driving or cars in general and I feel somewhat stuck in a rut about it, because I haven’t been able to transcend that fear. Huge limitation, yes. Do I have the willingness to sort it out? There are other factors around that. Perhaps if the car was available, I would, but it’s not, so for now I leave it at the point of focusing on precisely letting go of punishing myself with the ‘bad memories’ around cars and walk through it. I get somewhat jealous of people that have been involved in crashes were they have been injured, perhaps even badly, yet, they keep at it. What do ‘they’ have that I don’t have? The decision to live without fear.

Now, someone else commented in that group chat about living without any fear… and that’s something that sounds to me like a constant ‘battle’ against fear as if ‘fear itself’ was the problem. To me it’s not so. Fears can also be a real indication of aspects that we have to take into consideration, to have basic common sense in how we act or do certain actions, that’s basically precaution. For example the Mexicans that got killed on Friday by a gas pipeline explosion were possibly ‘fearless’ in stealing fuel because of how ‘habitual’ it had become to them to the point where possibly one of them decided to ‘lit up a ciggy’ in the meantime and forgetting about the hazardous task they were involved in. Point is: not about living ‘without fear’ but definitely learning HOW to live in the way that one can handle things the best possible way, handling the results or consequences if things go awry, learn from the mistakes and genuinely live the saying ‘life goes on!’ and move on.

These fears that I’ve mentioned here and in the past blogs have been crippling me to say the least, not only mentally but physically. The point is that they didn’t seem ‘that bad’ but have been quite present in a constant basis and that’s how the cup got filled drop by drop so to speak. Something that I want to change is precisely being the paranoid person that I see I have become. And yes I can see how this may come as learned habits even from both of my parents, and I’m witnessing how it has affected their physical body as well to live like that…. And I also have a living example  as my partner of what it is to live without this paranoid-type of fear, and to see that it is possible, and to see how a body can exist in a rather good stability when a person decides to live without fears and taking risks and finding that whatever outcome it may bring, it is part of what life is about.

Going through life with fear is yes, the most basic form of self-punishment I can identify, because we do it to ourselves. I early on in this blog wrote about all of us practicing cannibalism, all of us humans, because we consume our physical body every single time that we think in a reactive or emotional – or feeling – way.  This is the most essential form of self-punishment, self-flagellation, self-inflicted harm or ‘eating yourself up’ in a rather literal way. I became aware of this through the education I’ve gotten through Eqafe.com and it’s about time that I tackle this very ‘primal’ way of existing which is that of fear and paranoia in the seemingly most ‘subtle’ yet ever present manners.

Letting go of this fear-habit is perhaps an addiction that I had yet to pin point and decide to work on, because of all the reasons, ideas and excuses I had allowed within me to ‘hold on’ to such fears, as if the fear, the emotional reactions or the paranoia could fix or prevent anything in reality, or ‘handle’ the situation better. They do NOT, Ever.

This leads me to look at another topic I wanted to write about which is precisely how I got to identify my ‘personality’ as Intense and how some people seem to be more naturally ‘chilled’ or stable- but not in a suppressed chilled manner where the discomfort at times simply ‘resonates’ or ‘oozes out’ from someone that ‘seems to be’ o ‘appears’ to be quite cool, calm and collected – but may be in fact be a way to suppress or hide insecurities, fears or any other reaction. I’m talking about the chillness that I’ve seen in a few people I’ve met throughout my life that portray a seemingly ‘impossible’ way of being for me. As they come through my mind and I see them and their attitudes, they live words like patience, calm, equanimity, taking it easy, being quite grounded and present, being relaxed and having a general presence of chillness about whatever they have to face or confront. One of them is my uncle who had a very serious car crash a few years ago… they both could have died and their car was full loss, but they were simply happy to be alive and of course he keeps driving and is one of the people that I believe goes through life ‘letting it go by’ so to speak… not carelessly but simply going with the flow if ‘shit happens’ so to speak, always focusing on ‘well we are alive and that’s what matters’ when seemingly bad things happen to him and his family. Whereas I projected myself being in that and kind of car crash and how I would react and use that as a way to justify some form of chronic anxiety or petrification around cars… well that would be the end of me certainly. And this is also not something I could think of doing consciously, but I have lived this very thing in a more subtle way based on what I shared above.

So, I have the living examples of people that have been through ‘worse situations’ than mine and have no fear to go back to driving or riding cars. I have the example of my father saying ‘I don’t’ regret anything’ as he goes through some of the stories of what he’s lived through in his life and at times, the ‘big mistakes’ he made that took him real money and time to recover from. He learned, he got stronger from them, he doesn’t hold the situation or other people involved in it ‘at fault’ or ‘in blame.’

These are all decision to live that I take a living lesson from. There’s also my partner whom I am quite grateful for because he’s put up with this ‘opening’ of this admittance of fears and self-created emotional reactions in me that are here for me to face and it’s for the best, because the moment is ‘ripe’ to see this through, even if facing some physical consequences, this can be a learning point for me to also then remind myself of how much I burden myself, my physical body, with all the literally useless indulgence in my mind as fears and reactions and what ifs and projections and worries and….. All that trash needs to be taken out.

I mostly decide to approach this as a quitting of a habit, an addiction. I’ve seen how ‘addicted to conflict’  as human beings we are, well perhaps many of us, and I even shared other examples of how we are addicted to sharing and giving likes to people presenting conflicts, we almost ‘rejoice’ in some kind of bad news or conflict going on between people, or pointing out the faults in others… but how much attention does a post or process of self-creation, self-support gets? Not many, but the tides are changing and I root for that change in how we support each other’s process of self-change as well.

It’s about letting go of the habit, the addiction to fear, to drama, to anxiety, to have something to constantly be ‘worrying’ about or ‘fearing’ or future-projecting about. I truly want to commit myself to be a different person with the person that I am relating the most currently which is my partner, so that I can stop repeating myself about all of these ‘subtle fears’ and worries that I bring up in our conversations. So I take it on to remind myself of expecting the best, which is not in a way thinking positively or being disingenuous about the reality of things, but as a way to focus on what normally unfolds in a rather predictable and stable way, and how even if things come up that are unexpected or not the way we planned or simply go wrong, I can also learn to go with the flow of it and take the best route to walk it, perhaps sorting it out, perhaps facing with continued consequences, it will all depend on the context.

 Another nice ‘principle’ that my partner holds as part of his ‘pillars’ to exits is ‘everything will be fine at the end, and if it is not, then one knows it’s not the very end yet.’ I take this in a very existential way though, in a way realizing that things may continue ‘flying up’ around us, things falling apart, cans of worms being opened up everywhere, going through distress, drastic changes in our lives within and without. I see it as part of our process in order for the new to emerge, for which the old must go and we are witnessing that at a global scale in many ways, some seem quite drastic and alarming, some others not as much but equally significant and equally part of the same process of existential change.  This is again WHY I emphasize on the importance of getting to understand the ins and outs of self-creation and existential creation, so that one can have a grasp of ‘how things really’ work and learn to trust ourselves as life by Living as Life as what’s best for all no matter ‘what.’ This is the only genuine way to go through whatever things we may experience in our lives and so, instead of reacting in all kinds of self-punishy ways like fear, anxiety, worry, anger, blame etc.… to best practice understanding and cooperating with being and becoming that which we CAN in fact direct and be the authority of, which is ourselves, to be and do what is best in the situation for us and for everyone involved.

For all of this, there’s Eqafe.com to explain it all and I must now honor that source of education and information and live what I’ve learned from there to no longer allow myself to fall prey to my own ‘reasons and justifications’ to exist in any form of self-inflicted harm, abuse, punishment or tension. I now redefine living intensity as the force that I know is within me as the life that I am – and that has been ‘on the waiting’ – to grow out, to be liberated from the self-created yoke of the fears and justifications, to live that passion to apply myself in these very ‘basic’ aspects such as not allowing myself to participate in these kinds of paranoid fears and worst-case scenario situations that come up in my day to day and trusting in myself as life to recover and get well from the consequences I’ve created now that I have realized and seen firsthand the effects of participating in, essentially – and excuse me for my words – my own self-created mind fuck. Let’s call things for what they are!

I thank everyone that participated in that chat and Leila for providing her insights that reminded me of all of these things that I was ‘aware’ of at a knowledge level – through the self-support and educational material at Eqafe.com – but ‘conveniently’ forgot about. Now it IS time to step into self-creation and that’s where the white canvas is and where my focus and attention will be on deciding to live in an equanimous way – yes that is quite the challenge for me as I write it, but challenge taken! – to live my intensity in a balanced way, to yes be intense in expression for self-creation, for all things that are beneficial for me – but no longer take things ‘too heavy on the heart’ as they say. To not take things SO damn seriously all the time – yes things and life are a serious matter BUT I tend to definitely be ‘too intense’ in the seriousness where it becomes a source of affliction and that has to be changed because CARING is not the same as WORRYING about things.

Genuine care is then to support myself first to breathe and slow down whenever I am experiencing any form of ‘spike’ in my heart beat and feel the pulse elevating because of one single thought that crossed my mind. I then live the commitment to be diligent about not leaving these thoughts ‘go by’ but take them on, self-forgive them because I realize they are the result and consequence of having entertained too many ‘righteous’ constructs of why I should be fearful about this or that – and remind myself that fear can’t ever be supportive when it comes to creating anxiety or any other emotion within me. Then, I rather live precaution instead of fear, for that is a reasonable way to consider reality and its potential outcomes, while also being aware that I am not able to ‘prevent’ life unfolding and all the various factors in it, but I am able to face any outcome the best way that I can, trusting myself in being able to act the best way that I can, and that means not portraying a face of strength and composure as if nothing happened all the time, but simply being able to trust myself in facing the momentary expressions of fear or any form of tension and trust myself in being able to take me back to my ‘zero point’ where I’m stable and nothing is moving within me.

I can also commit myself to practice being generally more chilled, realizing that I can’t even think of being the ‘savior’ of anyone nor prevent anyone from being harmed. Even if I cause that harm, I can always admit it to myself, see how I can do things differently from here on and move on with life. But I can’t keep holding myself captive for the ‘what ifs’ and ‘what was’ anymore.

Here I can also remind myself of the principle of shared responsibility so that I know that there are a bunch of factors that lead to the creation of a certain thing or situation not working out or going off or being destroyed. There is more than meets the eye and this is not in an ‘esoteric’ sense of the saying, but simply as a way to not get ‘hooked’ on certain moment and events that I keep ‘seeing through’ the eyes of my mind.

This implies also to change how I see or perceive situations, how I take in actions and information, how I have to also let go of assumption as in knowing exactly ‘how things are’ because I most likely cannot know. I can know about my experience, and yes I am even that ‘out of myself’ that I cannot exactly yet know what goes on with my body, so this is also part of the things that I want to now not be negligent about but be considered and attentive of, which is my physical body, to learn to be more aware of its pains and discomforts and not let them ‘go by’ ignoring them, but taking them as a cross reference of who I am in my mind and so, what I need to work on.

The decision then is to not remain a prisoner of my own repetitive thoughts and experiences, of what I did or didn’t do in the past. That’s only another comfort zone to not dare to change, live and express and I am definitely ready and willing to live and express, I just ‘thought’ that I had to still feel bad and drag my past corpses around as unwanted souvenirs lol.

Even daring to ‘be well’ and feel OK, and appear generally in a good stance within oneself seems at times ‘too good to be true’ or ‘how dare I!?’ but it is then also a point about allowing oneself to be OK and to genuinely Be Life and stop living in constant self-torture. I noticed this yesterday at a social gathering, some people that had not seen me in a long time said I looked really well like ‘radiant’… I said ‘oh well it’s supplements I started taking I guess!’ but the moment wasn’t intimate enough to say ‘you know what yes I’ve been practicing stopping existing in all of this self-blame and self-flagellation for the world and things in my life not going ‘the best way’ or how I thought they could.’ But, for those that did engage with me in conversations, I was able to share some of what I do and how I approach things and that is great too, because then they may get ideas of how to work through some of their own problems, confusions or worries.

The best way that I can advertise this process is with my own process, with my own way of living. And honoring the information and message that I’ve been privy to for the past 11 years J

So, cheers to this and to facing the current reality of the world and situations around us in a way that we can be sure, we are not going into panic, fear or anxiety, but cover our bases and act according to what seems most reasonable and best for all to do.

Thanks for reading and thanks to everyone that knowingly – or unknowingly – has supported me to walk through these aspects of myself.

 

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628. #EqafeDiscovery: Unlocking Yourself

 

One of my favorite series in Eqafe for Self Support is the one called Quantum Systemization and I’ve been translating it to Spanish recently, which has been quite supportive for me to remind myself of certain aspects that I tend to overlook when walking my process or that simply explains to me the inner workings of my mind and how it translates to experiences in my life.

I was translating this one Unlocking Yourself – Quantum Systemization – Part 71 and upon listening to it I realized how in my previous blog I mostly shared about the understanding, the realizations and in a way walking some of the solutions after I reached out for support in various ways to others in relation to what I experienced within myself and my body, but I didn’t get to describe how the experience was overall while I was completely ‘in it’ and not entirely seeing it, which lasted several months.

This audio talks about how at times we get so blinded by a point, we become it so completely that in one way or another we will get to be approached by some people that might assist us in delineating the thing for us, enabling us to give a name to our experience, or assist in ‘unlocking’ ourselves by giving us some feedback on what we are ‘resonating’ which is how people may see us and perceive us. This is somewhat what happened with me through one of my friends who also walks this process and offered some support which enabled me ‘give a name’ to what I have been experiencing and creating within me.

Giving it a name sounds ‘simple’, but it really assisted me to ‘unlock’ myself as the audio explains, I was able to pin point what I was in fact doing to myself. And yes, one may think ‘oh but aren’t we always aware of what we are doing to ourselves?’ and yes in terms of the actions and experiences, they were always here as myself, but I wasn’t giving it the name that described the precise mechanism that could enable me to see what I was in fact locking myself into – or blinding myself into –  and the shift also happened when she assisted me to place the focus back to ME and not necessarily focusing merely on the symptoms or physical consequences of the experience, which was quite revealing as well as a tendency of getting hooked on the physical discomforts, illness, pains and make it as if we already ‘know’ how we created it, but I was in fact missing out a big factor in the mechanism of it all: myself and what I was holding onto that created this whole pattern within me.

I mentioned about avenge in my previous blog, which was one of the patterns that she suggested as a possible pattern or mind mechanism I was embodying, and another word that came out is judgment. Perhaps I was more aware of the judgment I was holding, but avenge in secondary gain was truly hitting the head on the nail because that enabled me to clearly see what I was doing and how I was acting out this sense of self-punishment for judging something that I have done and thus, becoming it to such an extent that I wasn’t able to see that I was doing it, nor name it. I was aware of some guilt patterns and generally judging myself for it, but the word ‘avenge’ seemed like completely alien to me to begin with, because I don’t consider that the desire for vengeance, revenge or avenge exists within me towards others. But! I definitely could see that I do have this tendency of taking things on me and believing that my own pain, suffering or ‘punishment’ is a way to create any form of justice or compensation/ making up for what I believe I caused as grievance or negative consequences to others, which again was me being blinded by focusing on ‘the exterior’ and not looking back at myself.

So how would this pattern feel before naming it as ‘avenge in secondary gain’? I would think quite frequently that I perhaps should not be so happy or having such a ‘great time’ because I did something that was ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ in my own moral judgment. This is not a foreign pattern to me, I have mostly lived a life where I believed that I couldn’t simply be fine and optimistic if you will because of the world being suffering and the majority of people not having an ‘ok’ life, so believing that I had to behave according to what others are experiencing.

How else did it feel as I was in it? I felt torn between two worlds, the one that I am living in my current reality, and the one I kept bringing back in my head which usually would cause a ‘spike’ in my pulse, yes, just like when we get anxious about something, but instead of having a continuous acceleration of the heart rate, it would emerge as these ‘upheavals’ so to speak that I would then breathe through, seeing the thought come up and brushed it aside, because I believed that I had forgiven the guilt and that these things should not be coming up again.

The reality is that a part of me accepted this whole back and forth of inner experience as something I had to ‘carry with’ and in a way almost like having to punish myself with this whole experience, as if I had to in fact create some kind of justice ‘in secondary gain’ or ‘in the name of someone else’ for  something that I believe I’ve done and was ‘very wrong and very bad.’ And yes, it felt like haunting me in a series of thoughts, even in my dreams, but I was just not believing I could do something to genuinely resolve it, because I thought I was working on letting go of the guilt, the shame, on embracing the past and my actions and choices.

However, I was still too much focusing on ‘the past’ and the ideas I created about it, and how I kept judging myself for it but at the same time Justifying it as real, as genuine, as ‘that is who I am’ and that’s how I held on to it with a  rather twisted sense of ‘I need to pay for this one way or another’ and at a deeper level within me believing that the way to do it was to essentially not be able to be fully ‘here’, embracing and enjoying my life because of thinking that I wasn’t honest, that I caused harm and so I almost didn’t ‘deserve’ it.  

I let this go by for several months pretending I could be ok and it would eventually fade, but it didn’t. So, in a way yes then the story continues of how I had to face the point at a more physical level. So that’s how upon sharing some of this to my friends, one of them offered to have a chat with one of them, which assisted me a lot in changing the way that I defined and perceived the whole situation, which was very supportive. Then I reached out to physical and medical support including alternative therapies to provide my body with the support that I require as I take on this point to change within me at a mind level.

I particularly don’t see that I resisted being supported, I genuinely appreciate every person that has assisted me to see this. I mostly considered that this sense of ‘punishment’ or ‘suffering’ is something that I HAD to go through, and this is the righteous opinion that I held on to and locked myself into, this acceptance of essentially self-victimization but in a reversed way where I believed myself that I was ‘so bad’ I had to suffer for it and that it would eventually pass once I had paid my ‘penitence.’

Yes, sounds very religious in context, and perhaps this is how it exactly exists within me based on my family lineage, which surely have been devoted people that would have a certain relationship with piousness and punishment to clear one’s sins…. And now it’s my turn to also clean that construct from within me which I wasn’t acting on at a conscious level, but was more ingrained as subconscious and unconscious aspects within me, which involves understanding more of how I got to create and act upon these constructs, rather than looking at it at the limited level of the consequences of it or symptoms such as only working with the shame and the guilt. I honestly do not regret things, but I did feel bad about it because of knowing ‘I could have done things better’ and I didn’t, so that’s the main self-flagellation point that I am now having to let go of J and yes it involves now literally smiling to myself about it because of how even one change in approach to seeing it, assisted me to see how I was seeing things in reverse and using that as an excuse to continue punishing myself. I realized my self-honesty in it through those chats of support with various people and at times, yes that is what we need when we are so ‘locked into’ a point .

I have a tendency to over analyze and in that, also get sometimes lost in giving too much weight on how I perceive things and not really see at what it is that I am creating and recreating as an experience within me. So here also having the assistance of others to unlock ourselves is essential, as it has also been a necessary point of support throughout my process in Desteni where you get a personal buddy support in walking your process, someone that has been there for sufficient time to know which aspects we tend to ‘lock ourselves in’ as well.

This is a great reminder of how at times one may believe that one simply has to ‘go through’ certain experiences, emotions and reactions or ‘down phases’ and not cross reference them because ‘it’s just how things are or what we are meant to go through and experience.’ But here I remind myself and so share to everyone reading this that: it is not so. It’s best to approach any supportive person or alternative medicine practitioner that one knows one can explain the whole story to and get a perspective on how it may link to the physical symptoms one is experiencing, so that they can be worked through in such therapies. Not to mention I also resorted to regular medicine due to some of the severity of the symptoms, so in that I also walked not judging ‘regular’ medicine as bad, but simply realizing to some aspects I did have to get to it because of the extent it was compromising my body.

The explanation given in Eqafe.com’s audio “Unlocking yourself’ is a fascinating one to also understand why we have to also be more open to having others approach us when they are noticing something ‘off’ in us, or when we can decide to reach out for support at a timely manner, instead of waiting for things to just continue accumulating without resolution, so I recommend getting to listen to it to see the ‘background workings’ of who we are as life and committing ourselves to this process and how support arrives at a timely manner for it.

I also recommend investing in subscribing to Eqafe Unlimited which is the new way where you can subscribe on a monthly basis and have access to all the thousands of recordings that cover almost every possible topic that relates to our creation, our development, self-support and how to deal with every aspect of our minds and our daily lives. It’s a worthy investment considering that what one learns there, will forever stay with you if you act on it, place it into action and application, making your life considerably better, having the practicality of ‘how to’ get to reach your potential as a human being. It not only aims to assist us in self-development, but also to break down the locks we’ve been living as forever as humanity, that only now have become available for all, and now can be accessed in a ‘Netflix’ manner, which is quite convenient too.

Reach out for support when you see that you are just giving rounds to the same thoughts and experiences in the mind and in the body without them going away or getting any lesser. There’s desteni.org, the desteni forum and Eqafe.com for support too Sonrisa I’m forever grateful for walking this process along with people that are there to support you whenever you require to get feedback and cross reference what one is working on and experiencing and unlock ourselves from the inner blindness on a point.

 

Listen to: Unlocking Yourself

 

The past that haunts us

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty

 


627. Self-Devaluation and The Body

 

When reading the words ‘self-devaluation’ I interpreted it only as having the usually termed ‘low self-esteem’ instead of realizing that there is an expanded meaning to it which appears in various ways in which we might exist in guilt, shame, regret, a belief of having failed in something, losing something or someone and essentially anything that makes us feel ‘less than’ ourselves, no matter how subtle it may be.

To me it is revealing because I had created this idea that I don’t have self-esteem issues, nor self-acceptance issues, because I have mostly seen these as superficial aspects like embracing your looks or the amount of judgments you have on yourself about your body or certain personality characteristics. However upon relating it to a certain diagnose in relation to my body and reading more about it, I realize that I have been having self-devaluation issues that I didn’t deal with properly, I swept them aside causing a series of physical conditions that I am currently facing and assisting myself and my body to get to a point of stability and heal, which I realize it won’t also be an ‘instant process’ but realizing: whatever it takes.

Part of my focus point this year is healing and the words that emerge in me are ‘to let go’ of the patterns of self-depreciation that I have been harboring. These have to do with a sense of shame, guilt, culpability and failure for the most part. They all relate to what I have in a way also defined as my ‘Achilles heel’ so to speak, that part where I’ve found the most points to learn and face and expand on, but also some of my greatest woes, falls and source of guilt and shame.  

As I wrote and faced the points that I wrote about in my past two blogs, I realized that I was in fact going through a rather stressful situation that detonated more symptoms in my body that I then rushed to deal with. Over a few visits to different doctors and alternative means of healing and therapies, I have been realizing how I have created this to myself and my body and what aspects led me to experience what I am going through. There was a fear of it being something that I couldn’t overcome or would have to go through painful processes to deal with, and that then detonated more fear that made the inner conflict aggravate and so stressing my body more. In essence, it hasn’t been an easy time for me for various reasons, but I realize that I am the only one that can sort it out since I created the relationship to the ‘stressors’ so to speak.

What I saw is that this has been ‘in the making’ for many years, even if I can usually tell the story and relate it back to the last three or four years in my life; it has in fact been something that I have been ‘hanging’ around within me since I can remember and yes, it has to do with relationships, the perceived failures and mistakes in them, the failed commitments or faults committed in relationships and even the yearnings or infatuations of the past around them. I’ve turned these into a series of regrets that I’ve held onto as a second layer definition of ‘who I am,’ which I’m sure are causing me to create other projected conflicts where there are none, such as for example experiencing jealousy in my relationship when there is nothing to actually worry or be jealous about. It all has to do with my own relationship to my worth as a person in relationships and as such, the way that I’ve ‘held’ the people that once were in my life within me.

By saying that, I can see shame, guilt and a general feeling of having failed. Even if currently I am in a supportive relationship, I consider that if I don’t deal with these aspects, it can eventually ‘spill out’ onto it because I am the one that has held on to these self-definitions of ‘who I am’ in relation to my past and relationships, which essentially means that I haven’t yet self-forgiven me, I haven’t genuinely let go of the old in order for me to genuinely be here and empty to grow and expand on who I am as a person and yes in a relationship as well.

Upon the discussions I have had with the various people that have assisted me with this point, the common advice is to let go, to throw the garbage out instead of holding it in. The point is that I’ve been aware of this at a knowledge level but, I haven’t actually let go of it, because its existence in me was justified in a very twisted way.

In a way, I perceived that I had to suffer or avenge for all the ‘wrongdoings’ in my relationships, that I had to take on others’ possible pain or suffering I could have caused upon my own body, to essentially be ‘unwell’ even if in reality I certainly have a supportive and generally stable life in order to be ‘on par’ with what I believe others have to go through due to my actions. It is auto aggression as one of them told me, it is self-inflicted and I called it self-flagellation as well, because in my mind there is a perceived notion of justice or ‘making up for’ the perceived pain I believe I caused on others. This means I kept myself pointing my finger at myself and that caused a lot of subtle yet continuous stress and guilt, shame that eventually blow up to become something bigger to deal with.

This pattern right here is just a part of myself that was masked as something ‘benign’ in a twisted manner within me. Perhaps some people might relate to it, and I’ve played this out in my life before in various ways where I believed I had to suffer, like a martyr of sorts to ‘wash the sins away’ so to speak. That’s the kind of pattern that I am dealing with and this wasn’t existing in a conscious manner within me, but at a deeper level that I became aware of through talking and discussing about this with various healing assistants, which were both regular medicine and alternative means like body alignment, homeopathy, acupuncture and doing some further research online in the German New Medicine documents which I’ve found through a fellow Destonian sharing about her process with certain diagnose in relation to her health.

What emerged in me recently is a deep sense of sadness and regret for not having listened to my body before. I felt the symptoms all the way but still, associated it in a lazy manner to all sorts of other things and not really investigating further. I would go to get the medicines to just stop the pains and symptoms, but would not investigate further. It essentially had to get to a more latent point where I got fed up of having to be constantly worrying about it – yet not doing something practically supportive for my body – and reaching a low point this past month in order to then decide that it was time to genuinely reach out for help and ‘sort it out’.

This is a pattern of negligence towards myself, my life and my body. I can also see how in my mind I worried more about everything and everyone else instead of looking at what I was in fact causing to my own body. This is the most painful part of it and it still makes me sad, to see to what extent I placed attention on all sorts of ideas, perceptions, fears, beliefs, projections and imaginations about ‘all that I did’ or ‘didn’t do’ in the past, and not realizing how drop by drop I created this whole conflict until it got to a more evident point for me to finally realize: ok this is not about ‘sorting the physical symptoms out’ only, but about Understanding how I created it in my body, what it is associated with and how I can now work with those aspects at an internal/mind level as I go through the various therapies and support that I am now taking in for my body. Being sad or emotional about it is not the way, I understand that, but I have also embraced the momentary crying that this realization brings, because as with anything related to shame, guilt, etc. We can use these emotions to realize something, to deeply be ‘affected’ by it so that we can remind ourselves of how to prevent this from happening again in the future. It is part of the manifested consequences that yes, I can be grateful for because it’s showing me my creation, how else could I do this if I didn’t have a part of physical matter letting me know ‘hey you’re causing yourself harm!’ otherwise? Sure it’s not nice or pretty to face this, but at least I can have an idea of what I am dealing with to sort it out within me.

I can only forgive myself for causing such distress to my body in being negligent about what I was doing to it based on my internal conflicts and participation in thoughts that I considered were meaningless. The fact is that I justified all of it as a form of recognition of my mistakes, as if I had to constantly ‘hang it around me’ as some form of anti-triumph, a reminder of what I’ve done so that I could ‘make up for’ the perceived pain or suffering I believe I caused or that others have ‘caused on me’ in the past.

The thoughts emerged right now of: ‘But I am in this process, how the hell did I get to that point? Didn’t I know better than this?’ And this is something that some of these I’ll call them healing supporters enabled me to see, which is how hard I can be on myself and how there is this idea that I cannot fail, make mistakes or ‘be human’ in that sense, and so I have taken it to heart to realize that I have in fact made mistakes and that I can only embrace them, learn from them and let go of the ‘feeling bad’ about it. And yes a second thought comes ‘but you had heard that before! Why didn’t you act on that to change it’ – And here’s where I have to embrace the repetition of mistakes, yes I’ve done that before, yes I had heard that about me before. I can only truly learn this time around.

And the reality is that all around I’ve had the tools to support me, I’ve had the people that are there that I can reach out to, my partner that knows the whole story and constantly reminds me of shared responsibility as well in all that I created and faced and that I have the means to support myself physically as well, but I ignored it to the level where I could not ignore it anymore, and it’s also for the best and I’m learning to not react upon getting to know what is wrong currently in my body, but to understand as a symptom that can be sorted through as well both internally and externally.

I’m learning that diseases, illness or any physical problem are there to be a wakeup call to realize: hey I am going through this process of distress or alteration here, you have to become aware of it and do something about it.

My commitment to do something about it is to continue working on my own patterns of ‘self-deprecation’ that are related to the points I associated above, but even more so if I believed I had written them out before, it’s about me working now on living words that can assist me to genuinely let go, which are related to understanding, embracing mistakes, realizing the shared responsibility in them all, to remind myself of the fact that I have in fact grown from those perceived ‘mistakes’ and have enabled me to be who I am and where I am at the moment, that they don’t have to define me and my current reality, even if I am facing some of the consequences.

One of the points I am starting to implement is to smile, physically smile whenever the same thoughts, projections or remembrances come to me and to now see what I’ve gone through so that I could be where I am today, to see what I have learned within me and how it gives me an opportunity to face aspects of me that yes, I might not be proud of, but also to learn to see aspects I had yet to face and change, to become aware of and develop.

I’ve also judged myself for having ‘repeated’ mistakes as I see them, but I will also take one perspective that one of the healing supporters told me which is to even consider that there are no mistakes as such, because of how mistakes have become such a bag of emotions and instead, I can simply see them as paths that weren’t leading me to where I had to be and that’s it.  – Sometimes we come to face and confront things that exist within ourselves in ways that may not be the ‘smoothest’ of ways, but those rough paths are also part of what we need to face to strengthen ourselves, to kind of finally expose our ‘Achilles’ Heel’ (lol I keep writing Achilles’ heal) or the part that wasn’t yet strengthened through exposure to the ‘problems’ to then be exposed and work with the resolution of it in a way that is more related to Understanding how I created the problem or conflict and in doing so, get to identify the patterns, the words, the emotions that I lived and how it ended up causing the problems that unfortunately, the body takes the brunt of.

In any case, because what I am facing generally relates to the sense of having done something bad, wrong, failed in the realm of relationships in the past, I can only say that if there are judgments, a sense of culpability, a sense of failure or loss within past relationships or  in relation to something or someone in one’s life that one feels made one to be at a ‘loss’ point, it is then to investigate where and how we have defined ourselves in relation to those situations, events or people in our life. And to be able to forgive ourselves for it, to release, to let go and sometimes to take the best of them to integrate it in our lives as part of who we are and what we learned from them, because I’ve ultimately realized it’s not about the people I have been worrying about in reality, it’s about me and the relationship I created, the words I lived in such situations that caused a sense of wrongdoing, of sadness and of general failure even if I didn’t name it as such before. The experience and what it caused in me indicate such perception of being ‘at a loss’ in one way or another – and that simply has to go because it is not even part of my current physical reality. It only remains as part of ‘who I am’ in my mind, in my thoughts, in my memories and how I relate to them.

So, I’ll continue writing on my side the details of this which are quite personal and as such I won’t publish, because I realize that my sharing here is not about exposing myself to others, but about being able to share what I’ve realized such as seeing what I’ve caused to my own body due to ignoring physical and mental symptoms of aspects that I had to sort out, yet I justified them in all kinds of twisted ways which got me to brush them aside and only ‘cope’ with them but not truly facing them and ‘taking them on’ as in investigating them, going deeper into them until my body showed me: there is something you truly need to sort out here.

Needless to say, it’s been a rough time for various reasons, but I know many others that are having it as well and at a world level it seems we all are in for a rough ride in various aspects, so I can only say: let’s brace ourselves for it and live these points the best that we can. For me my health is a priority right now because I cannot be ‘best for anything’ if I am not the best for myself first. It is sad that I have to come to this conclusion through consequence, but I also need to stop judging myself for it, because I am still here and my body is here with me assisting me to heal as well and me assisting it to heal.

As one of the healing supporters told me, at times we have to be a bit ‘selfish’ not in the egotistical way, but genuinely in looking after ourselves, even more so when having imposed on me this idea that I have to be the one that is always there for others. I also realize that I am the only one that can make any of these tools and means of support effective by having the courage to confront these points in my life, in my memories and go dealing with them as they emerge through my writing and taking on the physical support required for it as well.

This is where writing, listening to self-support on Eqafe.com becomes a way of assisting me to remind myself of things that I may have ignored for some time, that I have ‘known’ at a knowledge level or as things swirling around in my mind, and that I then can listen back and take it into consideration for the points I’m facing.

Best is to stop being hard on myself, because I truly made of something a lot bigger than what it is in the sense of the extent of inner conflict I’ve allowed myself to live with because of it. Though, as it is also explained in some recordings, getting to see deeper aspects comes up at some point in our lives and process which indicate moments where we can then take the points on, work with them. So in that sense, I can trust myself that this is here for me to face it because I can at this point do so.

Without having intent to sound too afflicted based on what I share here, I genuinely want to heal myself from this and that comes through understanding, self forgiving and letting go. I keep having dreams where I am holding on to something while traveling and this something that I keep holding on to creates a form of worry and concern and going out of ‘the way’ to go back to fetch it apparently. I believe this thing I am ‘wanting to go back to fetch’ are all of these past experiences as memories that I believe I still ‘need’ to take with me, like holding on to these definitions, when in fact to me traveling means a moving on, I have to move on and let go of whatever I believe I need to hold on to. A genuine release is needed, so that’s what I’ll be working on and in general taking it easier on myself and my body.

I share this as a cautionary tale, but I also need to let go of wanting to prevent others from going through similar stuff. I now embrace whatever each one has to face and realize that I can only be responsible for me and focus on myself, while sharing and assisting then becomes an outflow of that self-care and self-processing.

Thanks for reading.

 

Suggested Eqafe.com recordings:

Nurturing the Growth of Change – Life Review

Fear, Falling & Failure – Life Review

The Beginning Equals the End – Life Review

 

 Breakthrough

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty


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