Category Archives: Integrity

619. Learning From Relationships

 

I listened to three audios on Eqafe that I find essential to listen for everyone, considering how most of us – or so far I’ve only known one person in my life that was not interested in having a relationship – are usually looking for and aiming to ‘find that ONE person’ to establish a relationship with.  Here are the titles: Fear of Missing Out on a Fulfilling Relationship – Fears & Phobias, Using Relationships to Hide From Myself – Life Review, Time Alone Before Time Together – Life Review.

When I listened to the Life Review specifically, I could relate to what the woman shared with regards to the little time spent without and in between relationships and how that affected her in disconnecting from herself, from who she was and how much the constant seeking for a relationship made her dependent on the ‘other’ person to be complete within herself – this might be a bit of a vague description on my side, so I definitely recommend you listen to her story yourself. But! here I’m focusing on sharing what opened up for me as I was listening to her story.

First of all realizing that I have been in such kind of situation where I would end a relationship and start another one right away, not spending time alone to reconsider where I am and who I have been in the relationship –  in terms of what were my lessons learned, points expanded, faults, mistakes, things I can be grateful for etc. – and instead jumping into the next relationship. This is probably one of those weakest points I’ve had throughout my life and one that I have been particularly – secretly – ashamed of because it is obvious that it involves a lack of honesty towards myself within relationships in terms of what I can accept and allow, what I can commit to and how I have disregarded the consequences and the effect that me changing my mind about relationships can have on the partner and people around as well.

I share this because I do consider it vital to apply what the woman shares about her story, to be able to take some time off from relationships in order to ‘get back to oneself’. I’ve done both things and will share my experience in both situations.

There was a time that I’ve recently in my mind judged as very bleak, lonely and fruitless, this happened when I was living in Mexico City and I deliberately decided to learn to be alone – in a rather ‘extreme’ way to be alone I’d say – being then fully aware of my tendency to become dependent on being ‘always there’ for other people, being the kind of partner that lives the life of the partner and has none of her own – I decided to learn to be by myself –that means without relationships – and learn to know what I enjoy doing, learn to be comfortable being alone and doing things alone, going out shopping, to the movies, living on my own. Yes, maybe I took it to the extreme in terms of the lack of interaction I had with other people – including family and friends – but that’s something I am also now learning to do in terms of not being too extreme in the way that I decide to change things. So, in a nutshell, I call it my monkish period, and as much as in my mind I’ve judged it as a generally ‘bleak’ time, when I recently looked deeper into it to not resent my choices at that time, I see that such years were dedicated to live ‘me’, to know me better, to learn to be alone, to learn to do things that I decide to do – not that someone else ‘takes me’ to do – and there was a sense of independence formed that I would not trade off or change, because it assisted me to see where and how I compromised myself many times for the sake of being in a relationship and existing in fear of ‘losing’ something that I now know was not best for me, was constantly emotional, troublesome and detrimental to my expression and my living.

Then I got to a point where I decided I could establish a relationship again and I did, again looking back not having the best starting point because it did come from having formed an experience of alones at the time, but I tried to make it work nonetheless. I had settled in one relationship believing I could change the person, conforming in certain ways to make it work and taking the compromise lightly to say the least, not fully being aware of the commitment that I was making at the time and the challenges it represented. But I wanted to make it work for both of us, which didn’t happen. At least I proved to myself that I could fully and absolutely commit to another and still see that even if I am doing all that I can to assist and be ‘there’ for another, it takes two to tango to stand on the same page. I broke that relationship even if there were legal formalities formed with it.

After that, I had a few months to yes go through the sorrow, pain and ‘disconnection’ process from that relationship but I did decide to enter a new relationship after that; though fortunately enough did still have the opportunity to be alone and process through all of the things that I had accepted and allowed – created – in the previous relationship. But still, I do consider that I went ahead too fast and without much consideration of the implication of making such decisions not only for myself, but for the other person as well. This year I repeated the same, because of not having had that needed time to ground myself around relationships and one thing I can tell is that unless one has an understanding partner that has full awareness of the previous relationship patterns, it can be a disaster recipe to go jumping from one relationship to another.

I was in a way fortunate that my partner was understanding of it all, not that he approves of what I’ve done and my relationship habits, but again, he is aware and he made a decision to stand with me anyways and understood that I had things to process from my previous relationships at the same time as starting a new one. The thing that I want to share is how it’s not a bright idea to not give oneself time to be alone after a relationship ends, it can lead to not fully considering things in terms of what one is able to commit to and the effect it may have by making a decision without proper time for reflection, for personal assessment of the mistakes, the things allowed, the points that one needs to self-forgive and work through, because it does ‘filter’ or ‘spill through’ to the new relationship and it may lead to ruin if one does not handle the situation with proper sense of responsibility and communicating about it and again, having a partner that can understand and not take it personally either.

So from my recent experience, this kind of situation led to a great amount of stress that I became unaware of – apparently – and I became sick or having certain health issues almost on a regular basis for the past months. This can also be a narrow perspective on my health situation, but this is what I’ve concluded recently, that I put myself under a lot of stress because of the decisions I made in relation to relationships, where not being honest with myself and towards others led me to compromise myself and that became an ingredient to constantly be thinking of guilt, burdening myself with the ‘wrong doings’ while at the same time starting a new relationship and opening up all the potentials that this entails. It’s not a great thing to walk an ending and a beginning simultaneously – point learned.

I would not be able to share this from a clearer view currently if it wasn’t for the process that I did to self-forgive myself for my decisions, my actions and mistakes,  my short-sights and also forgiving myself for the damage caused to others by my lack of consideration or selfishness that this kind of situations entail. However, I also understood that there’s no point in continuing to flagellate myself emotionally, all that I can do is learn from it and know that I cannot repeat this kind of behavior again in my life, or I’d be simply falling again into my old patterns that I’ve worked on already. I did judge myself because of wanting to ‘make things right’ and ‘work through it’ and in a way being in disbelief that I could have managed to ‘repeat myself’ in patterns that I thought I had changed over the ‘monkish’ phase of being alone and without relationships – but, as I now know, I cannot be sure that something is entirely ‘clear’ and ‘transcended’ within me at all, it always takes a daily – constant – decision to act in the way that is right, that is supportive, that is considering consequences, that is responsible and self-honest for myself and for others that I have an effect on.

Currently I assess my situation on a constant basis when it comes to my relationship, because it has enabled me to see where I could be compromising myself or constructively compare how I have now seen that I was compromising myself before when trying to ‘be’ something for someone else in a relationship.  When I decided to be in this relationship, I did take the time to consider who I wanted to be in it and what would be of myself IF the relationship simply doesn’t work, knowing I could stand on my own two feet as well. So, I might have taken a ‘big risk’ considering  the rushed and somewhat risky decision making processes I’ve taken in the past without much ‘thought’ into my relationships, but this time I did make sure to entirely be ‘me’ making the decision and fully taking the responsibility for what I decide to make of it. 

I did take the time to assess the person, even if it was a relative short amount of time of doing this, there were characteristics that stood out for me enough to consider how this could work through, which included sharing with him the process I’ve walked with relationships, the weaknesses, the mistakes I’ve made, the dishonesties, the repetitive patterns I’ve had and that I still have such points to work through for me, to reestablish my self-trust in relationships – with all the past disclosed – and this is now where I can prove to myself that I can stand in an equal manner in loyalty, honor, respect and integrity that such person has given to himself throughout his life, which I am currently learning a lot from as well.

It is not my position to share his views here, but in a way I do want to do it, because he’s that person I mentioned at the beginning that has been known by everyone – and himself – to not desire a relationship or ‘lust’ over women at all. Everyone had always asked him when he would have a relationship and he always said that wasn’t something he was looking for, explicitly not interested on because he knew himself as a different kind of person that would find it hard to find a woman that could ‘stand’ through his ways of living life and the principles he has. He just wanted to work and focus on bettering his life. Well, that kind of approach led him to learn to live and be for himself the best that he can be. He is probably one of the few people I know that loves himself and regards himself as a self-made man that wasn’t always dedicated and hardworking to get to be who he is now, but made a decision to step out of the shadows and strive to do what he was told was ‘impossible’ for him to achieve. That sort of strength made him aware of his capacity and potential, which is part of the characteristics that I saw made him a ‘whole’ man already, not really looking or searching or being ‘needy’ for anything or anyone to ‘complete’ him or make him feel ‘better’ about himself.

This is how he considers that most people should not constantly go jumping from one relationship to another, but be able to be alone even for the rest of their lives if necessary, because they are not yet the best for and towards themselves. This view is perceived as too ‘extreme’ by his friends, but I’ve come to understand his point based on what he has lived and what I have lived and the consequences I’ve faced because of having held this constant belief that ‘I need to be in a relationship’ and the outflow this has. I’m not saying that this is how it’s supposed to be, but simply different ways to approach the relationships. Mine was more ‘trial and error’ and yes causing consequences for me and for others, his was more of a holistic approach of deciding to be in a relationship if and when the right person would exist for that.

Of course, he is now in a relationship and that may seem contradictory for many, but he explains how this is the first relationship he’s ever had – and took it to the level of absolute commitment and responsibility, which has led him to explore and open up many more ways of enjoyment in life, more than the ones that he already had been living on his own. I don’t want to sound like I’m praising him, but I do want to share  this because I’ve noticed how many strengths are built through deciding to be ‘the best for you’, to learn to be a man – or a woman – for oneself first, to learn to love, care, be the joy of our own lives instead of expecting something or someone to come and ‘save us’ or ‘fulfill’ our lives in one way or another. So, his usual perspective or ‘advice’ to anyone is to learn to be alone and learn to be ok with themselves, letting go of the notion of needing a relationship – and even better, to not participate or create a habit in desiring sex or porn or that sort of mental-masturbation in relation to women – or the opposite sex – at all, which leads to a genuine discovery of physical expression in a relationship, probably something that most people ‘seek out’ through mind stimulation and my take is that this pollutes or ‘disconnects’ us from the ‘hereness’, the physical development of actual touch and clear-mindedness so to speak required in a developing a physical relationship. This is not only related to sexual expression, but also in relation to fully focusing on being with the one person you decide to be with and not entertaining any thoughts, ideas, beliefs or glances at something or ‘someone else out there’ that ‘could be better’ than the relationship one has decided to be in.

What I’ve gathered from my time with him is how it truly takes that sort of diligence to honor and respect oneself and not exist solely for the idea of a ‘relationship’ as something to ‘get to’ or ‘find’ as an absolute goal in one’s life. It seems that as one focuses and works on fulfilling oneself and becoming that person that one enjoys looking at in the mirror – and not only for appearance level – but for the person one shapes of oneself – then one simply aligns with people that are on that same ‘track’ so to speak in their life, and that’s how you meet and realize that it is something that can work as a betterment platform for both, which was my approach as well when deciding to establish this relationship. We both agreed that this was going to be a relationship of two fulfilled individuals walking together, me knowing that if I decide to no longer be in the relationship, he’s not going to be ‘needing’ me as such, but will continue his life and endeavors as usual and vice versa – communication and understanding and assessment at any time.  The relative ease with which this agreement-  as he also called it – was able to be established is simply because of seeing the affinity in our ways of thinking and living and our principles and the way of living as well as our aims in life. I am fully aware some of my views are not that ‘popular’ with regular people, because they may sound too ‘out there’ or ‘difficult to achieve’- but not for him.  Then it is simply like two notes resonating at the same level that consider they can join in and create a harmony that will better the sound in each other’s life – and that’s what it currently is and has been.

There are so many more things that I’ve been learning about myself in relation to him in that have opened my eyes to see what kind of limitations I was making ‘ok’ within previous relationships, where and how I was not being honest with myself and rather molding or making myself ‘comfortable ‘about things that I wasn’t entirely willing to live with, but made it all ‘ok’ because of the idea that no one can be perfect and that I would always have to kind of ‘struggle’ in a relationship – now I know it doesn’t have to be this way. And I’m not saying this is currently perfect, but now I know that there can be people that can be at that same level of self-awareness and self will to live a different life than most people, which is what I’m here to do in this world, to continue cutting through the mold and not limit my expression, my ‘wacky’ way of being that I have come to re-ignite and rediscover within myself, something that makes me enjoy life more and something that I had judged as ‘not fit’ for everyone’s taste and so believing I had to be more ‘accommodating’ for others. In a nutshell, I’ve come to be aware of self-compromise, which is also one  tendency I’ve had in relationships where I kind of sink into the background and mold myself to fit into the idea of who I believe the other person wants me to be – even if this is most of the times my own projection.

The bottom line is that even if one can make ‘mistakes’ in relationships, the point is to always learn more about oneself, to use each opportunity one has to share one’s life and expression with another to learn more about who we are with each person, and yes unfortunately at times getting to also know the ‘darker’ aspects of ourselves – not to be turned into something necessarily bad or evil – simply recognizing that there are things that may be subtle at first but eventually build up or accumulate to compromise, to diminish ourselves even in the most ‘unnoticeable’ ways and I say ‘unfortunately’ – yet at the same time, I would not have known otherwise if I had not made mistakes and learned to see where I truly want to be in terms of standing in a relationship with someone else, first of all checking – on a constant basis – not to limit, diminish or compromise me in order to ‘be’ in a relationship as a need point.

So, having said this, I now realize that as painful, troublesome and consequential it is, mistakes allow us to also see the paths that we don’t want to follow through. Sure, it’s best when we can identify this earlier on and not have situations escalate and have more consequential breakups, but I now see that this is something quite specific for me to face based on the life that I had lived before I started this process with Desteni, my ‘processing’ done in that alone time and how I do realize how easy it is to slip back into old programming if not fully considering one’s actions and acting again on a ‘whim’ so to speak, making decisions without giving myself time to know first of all where I stand and then where I would want to stand in relation to someone else.

Based on my experience and the example I shared about my partner and how he led his life, I see that the best thing one can do is to give oneself time to learn to BE for oneself, to learn to truly love and appreciate yourself first, to be that one person that you can enjoy living with so that no matter who you join your life with – or not at all – you continue being whole and complete by yourself, so that 1+1 equals 2 instead of being existing as a half that seeks another half to create a codependent relationship that most likely ends up in compromise, diminishment and harm towards one another.

A relationship is a platform of support to become a better person, to grow, to learn from each other, to communicate openly without holding back or secrets, to express openly, to test and try new ways of living and expressing without judgment, to walk through disagreements and challenges with understanding – but! to do all of these great things takes a lot of self-work first, otherwise we base our entire ‘wellbeing’ on another person ‘all of this’ for us, and that’s where the fuckup usually is. So! Self first, always, then the rest of the people or situations that may come into our live become opportunities of expansion, a complement that can be beneficial not only for the people in the relationship but also for those that surround the relationship and for whatever is created within the relationship, which becomes an example of what a supportive relationship can be in a world where most exist in consequences and conflict – my personal view and experience here.

Ok so that’s it, again, listen to the Eqafe recordings, they are a great eye opener to understand more of what I shared here as my ups and downs, my faults, my points to learn and correct through relationships.

Can also learn to do this through the Relationship Course in Desteni which assisted me to ground many of the foundations that I now realize have to be lived in a very disciplined way of establishing self-honesty within self, otherwise they become nice principles on paper only – as always, the key is to live it and REALLY stick to Doing it.

Thanks for reading

 

Self First -

 

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614. Understanding Mistakes

 

I want to share how I’ve redefined my relationship to ‘making a mistake’ which I have shared before in terms of how it’s relevant to not judge myself for it or go into a guilt trip and so forth. But here I’m focusing more on realizing that there are mistakes that I see I have created in a rather conscious and ‘aware’ of myself level where I believe that all that there is to the mistake is being taken over by an experience and acting on it without a thought, causing consequences for myself and affecting others as well, while knowing that I would have to deal with the consequences, that I would have to confront others with regards to it and even if being fully aware of it all, I did it anyways.

So, to me it became a bit of a mystery as to why I was doing it with ‘full awareness’ apparently yet I didn’t stop myself. I looked at the aspect of being taken over by an energetic experience and being so caught up in it that I could not stop myself, which is an aspect of it. But I knew that it wasn’t just something that happened in a moment of being caught without awareness or anything like that. This was something I was deliberately concocting for some time that developed into a situation where it became obvious that I had to dig deeper within myself to look at what is it that I was exactly missing out of myself that I had led me to create this moment of consequence.

This is where the support of a second person is indispensable when it comes to assisting me to understand my experience, because I would not have been able to do that at all if it wasn’t for people walking the Desteni I Process as well and having walked through similar situations being able to relay back their own experience and realizations upon having faced similar circumstances, and this point of support opened up a whole aspect that I had not seen before as the reason, cause and origin of that which led me to create this mistake.

And this is why I more so than ever believe that we sure cannot do this process alone, we do need the support of others to assist us to see other aspects that we have maybe just ‘swiped through’ in our days and not really looked directly and with intent on it to investigate what could be the origin and cause of an instability within that becomes a source of consequences for myself and others without.

Through this, I was able to see how I had suppressed certain things within me that I didn’t address appropriately with myself, that I knew were bothering me or causing an experience of lack which led me to then develop a way to ‘fulfill’ certain aspect of myself through an external way, without questioning what is it that’s leading me to want to fulfill something in a non supportive manner.

So the point I learned here is to not fall into the victimization or blame and guilt trip when it comes to making mistakes, because that only becomes another comfort zone to not investigate further what is in fact behind the creation of such ‘mistake’ in our lives and how we can change things and take responsibility for it.

My attitude was that of being responsible for it all the way, owning my creation, blaming nothing and no one for it, but I wasn’t seeing or admitting to myself all the bits and pieces that eventually accumulated as the reasoning and justifications for me to create such mistake. And that’s where the assistance of another individual within the context of the Desteni Process is essential to see these points, because I would not have been able to move on as accurately as I did if I hadn’t have such reference and support to ask myself more pertinent questions to find what was really the origin and cause of my experience.

That is how I was able to move on to solutions and experiment the creation of an acknowledgment about certain needs, certain aspects of myself that relate to how I want to experience myself, how I want to live my life, admitting that and so being able to focus on creating it within and without. That was also an eye opening process for me to see how things that I was suppressing within me became a form of ‘lack’ that I tried to find ‘out there’ in a rather consequential manner, instead of looking at what is it that I genuinely want to create and live in my life and taking the steps to create it, to do it, to communicate about it, to explore ways to live that in my life.

So this is how my relationship with making mistakes or facing consequences changed from simply feeling bad, guilty, shameful and emotional about it  – which yes, still comes up and yes it is still part of an initial process of realizing what I’ve done and become – but in that also making sure I am moving on to create solutions, to ensure I am taking the bull by the horns which is what I did and so far it’s been a much more fulfilling thing to do than continuing to make the same mistake, which I frankly haven’t looked at throughout my life with such clarity as I do now.

Therefore I wanted to share this because many times we only feel bad about making mistakes, we feel awful and that’s it, we believe we can let it go or ‘ask forgiveness’ and that’s it. But to me besides taking responsibility for myself – which is the process of forgiving myself -and everyone else that was affected by my actions or inactions, to also ensure that I discover what of myself was I suppressing that led me to create such mistake and so now instead of suppressing it, find a way to express it, to live it and so focus my attention and expression on doing just that.

This is also a point linked to facing addictions, which I’ve learned quite a bit about over the years but also been recently supported by and through Matti’s share on the topic here: Day 359: Addictive behaviors as an indicator of suppressed and underdeveloped self expression and here I share some perspectives on the matter as well.

We all have one, no matter how small or big, we might not even question these attitudes and treat them as addictions because we justify them, we see them as something that’s become an inevitable, natural part of ourselves. We only start questioning when shit hits the fan and we see ourselves in a moment or experience that we believe we were in control of and suddenly realize that we cannot really stop it or prevent ourselves from seeking more of it. That’s where I realize I have to in fact define a behavioral pattern as an addiction and as such, I have to understand and investigate who I am behind it.

One of the constant struggles with addiction is that we tend to place it as a very black and white process of having to ‘give up’ a part of ourselves like having to give up a certain thrill, excitement, buzz or any energetic experience that we are getting through our addictive behavioral pattern and that we have to simply cut it off and be left ‘without it.’ This is part of it sure, there is such decision to give it up upon realizing the consequences, the self that one is creating and recreating through acting these cravings for any experience out.

However there’s also something else that is opened up through identifying and understanding an addiction, and that is the redefinition, recreation and self-determination process that emerges when firmly deciding to change an aspect of ourselves for once and for all. And yes, to begin with, it will most likely involve no energy high or thrill, but certainly a new expression of ourselves can come through when deciding to redirect our effort, our diligence and commitment to ‘get the fix’ so to speak and instead put all of that into creating something that becomes supportive of our expression instead and that’s precisely the process of redefining ourselves from living out our minds to living life, to deciding to do something that is supportive instead.

In my case, my process of aligning myself once that I understood the creative process behind ‘the mistake’, allowed me to move on to solutions that became a much more liberating, fulfilling and enjoyable process than what I thought my ‘outlet’ or ‘fix’ was for a moment as the ‘alternative route’ for me to deal with certain aspects that I wasn’t admitting to myself. So, I’m quite grateful as well for the support all around from people that have walked through addictions and have redirected their expression to precisely express and create themselves in a supportive manner, because sometimes we take the quick way out to get a fix, believing it is a liberating experience but it is not, the only real liberation process comes through understanding what is it that we want to truly live, express and fulfill or satisfy within ourselves and what can we do to create that in a supportive manner.

To me it also became relevant to remind myself of how I can affect others at the same time, so as to not be so self-centered when it comes to focusing on getting ‘what I want’ and in that, affect others by doing so, but instead regard doing onto others as I’d like to be done onto. But at the same time, I’ve realized how there are things that I might have only been able to see once that the consequence was created, and that might be so for certain things that we create in our lives, it’s not the suggested or preferred way, but also to not vilify or beat myself for it – but rather understanding and why not embracing mistakes as part of getting to know an aspect of me that I was hiding from myself and that it was only through consequence that I was able to open it up and see it with clarity to acknowledge it and admit that there is a point where I abdicated my responsibility to self creation and so that becomes the way to sort things out at the same time.

Of course, what’s done is done and there’s no going back, but these situations remain a constant reminder with a sufficient impact on us to make sure we don’t make the same mistakes again and rather now apply the process of immediately getting to ask myself deeper questions to see what is it that this ‘mistake’ is reflecting about myself ,my life, my self-creation, my experience, and that becomes a much more supportive way to approach mistakes in general, to see it within a context of who I am in my past, present and future rather than just a ‘momentary loss of awareness’ or anything like that because to me that doesn’t really exist. We are all quite aware of everything we do, but that’s also a point of self-honesty to admit and acknowledge.

That’s another aspect to consider here how to move through mistakes, through addictive patterns or behaviors in a supportive way as a real recreation process, so that it’s not just avoiding the mistake or creating a sense of ‘quitting’ or ‘withdrawing’ from something, it’s a process of redefining our relationship to whatever we have defined as our addiction, our mistake, our ‘point of falling’ of any kind, because I’m sure we all face these in one way or another.

So, follow through and also share your perspectives on the Desteni Forum about it, so that more people can understand the relationship to these patterns that can wreak havoc in our lives if not addressed and understood properly.

 

If anything I am rather thankful for this mistake opening up in my reality so that I could address a very relevant aspect of self-creation, so as much as it can be hellish and yes consequential, if taken as an opportunity to address the problems, the suppressions, the ‘lacks’ then it becomes a real source of awareness to fulfill and satisfy ourselves in a supportive manner, which again it is part of creating our lives, of living life and facing ourselves in this process.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Supportive audios at Eqafe.com

Then, Now, and What’s to Come

Then, Now, and What’s to Come: Consequence and Creation

 Shame

 

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601. Power Plays in Social Contexts – Back To Self

Or how I became part of a ‘power play’ in a group of people with body language, what I discovered about myself and what I learned from this experience.

Following up with the previous topic on arrogance, I mentioned another situation that I didn’t get to write out where I noticed such form of arrogance or superiority within me in a particular social context.

I was talking with a few people the other day in a reunion and suddenly a ‘new person’ that I’ll call ‘A’ came into the moment and stood around where we were talking, like joining herself into the ‘circle’ and something quite interesting happened. She wasn’t introduced or anything, she just said hi and stood there. The rest of us were ‘into’ a certain topic already so I noticed that I was kind of ‘side-viewing’ this new person that I didn’t know of before, so entirely ‘new’ within that context but! I also started registering (as in becoming aware of/assessing) her body language which I interpreted as showing lack of confidence, being insecure, feeling inferior, somewhat nervous, feeling uncomfortable in the moment.

Now these are mere assumptions based on how I saw that she was kind of hesitating to look at either way, she was grabbing her neck and looking at us in a certain way that I could interpret as ‘feeling out of place’ in general, which I didn’t even think of in that moment in my mind. What follows is how I reacted/acted out based on all of these ‘insta-interpretations’ of person A, which is how I made that conclusion that she was feeling out of place, uncomfortable, insecure, feeling ‘inferior’ etc.

Here looking back at the situation, what I am not at all considering is how it is quite ‘common’ for most people to go through that initial experience when being introduced to new people or a new situation, it’s not like everyone feels ‘immediately comfortable and at home’ in any new environment or with new people – that’s a simple fact of how we current live our lives. Sure with time and in this process it becomes ‘easier’ to face such kind of contexts, but I’d be full of myself if I would not admit that I also go through this kind of immediate moments of getting somewhere new, with new people, new ‘things’ to interact with and can go into an experience of ‘not being at the level’ of everyone else there, which one kind of goes working through as moments go by and we make a decision to settle in or integrate ourselves to the moment/situation, but that initial reaction to ‘the new’ as in new people, new situation, new environment is quite common and I definitely have to remind myself of ‘been there, done that’ and understanding the experience, reminding myself of my process, which is an act of humbleness – now, why do I say this?

Because I noticed how as I was ‘assessing’ this new person, for an instant in my body language and how I experienced myself was within a decision to ‘ignore’ her, to kind of go into the opposite experience to what I perceived/believed her to be experiencing, so in a way playing out the polarity of what I perceived her to be. Therefore I became more ‘secure, confident, at ease, superior, dominant’ in my expression in that moment, which translated into not really making an effort to open up with her in those few minutes that this play out lasted.

However within this process of self-awareness, I had to be honest with myself and noticed what I was doing in that moment towards her, and that’s when I thought ‘Why am I deciding to ignore her?’ and so immediately directed myself to ask her about what she does and how old she was and then it turns out she immediately opened up and got more comfortable after we started talking directly to her, and she expressed how she’s seen me around and was in fact quite an open and comfortable person right after that, lol! I had to eat my perceptions and initial reactions to the person out, because she became quite ‘relaxed’ in her expression and giving details of her work and stuff like that. It was altogether possibly a 10 minute interaction, which became a cool moment overall for me to assess why on Earth had I decided to Ignore her in those first few moments and play out this ‘superiority’ stance of ‘I ignore you, because you are feeling ‘uncomfortable’ within yourself…’

Of course here I take full responsibility because I have no way to really in fact say ‘Yes! She was feeling awkward and inferior and insecure at first’ – it was all my interpretation and perception. And even if she had felt in fact that way, I can move to UNDERSTAND the person’s experience, which comes within a humbleness of considering all people in the moment equally, consider them as in placing myself in their shoes to realize ‘Hey, they are new into the moment, let’s integrate them into what we’re talking right now’.

The word as the solution that came up within me this morning as I was looking at this point, which I’ve been assessing over these last days in fact, is Equilibrium. Wherein in that moment of the conversation I was being suddenly too ‘unilateral’ to only talk to the people that I was already having an ‘oiled’ conversation with and that I’ve generally become quite comfortable to talk to, and how the dynamics changed within me when this new person came into the scene and how that immediate reaction at a physical level was that of seeing her as a ‘foreigner’ so to speak, as ‘not belonging’ to the circle of people in that moment, just because of being unknown to me, just because no one else came to ‘introduce her’ to us, but she just arrived and said hi.

What would be the common sensical thing to do in such situations? Say hi and in doing so already ‘making space’ in the moment to ‘open up’ an include the person in the conversation, can say something like ‘we’re discussing this/that, have you had anything like that happening to you?’ – or maybe if that’s too ‘soon’ to get ‘too intimate’ lol, I can pause the conversation I was into for a moment and rather proceed to ask a few questions to get to know a bit more about the new person, make a space for her literally and communicatively speaking, because I realize that if I place myself in her shoes – which is the point of understanding her and her position – I would also like to be welcomed into such moments and be integrated by those that were already there and ‘established’ in the situation.

In fact as I write this, I remember feeling exactly like I perceived this girl to be ‘feeling’ in such situation, memory is quite old, over 10 years ago where I’d be commonly going into new places/environments and people’s homes on a regular basis with a friend of mine, and I actually admired his capacity to ‘feel at ease’ in all of those new places – actually the same person I referred to in my previous blog – and how in those situations I kind of stood in the background ‘doing my thing’ like keeping quiet and mostly observing. However the people that were in such places were generally quite kind and welcoming, which made me realize that ‘people that don’t know you can be kind and open’ just by having a similar ‘linkage’ like a friend in common. And that’s then how one of the words I’ve been practicing living and that I took form this person in my life is that ability to be expressive, comfortable, ‘at home’ in all of these new environments, which at times I would ask like ‘hey how long have you known these people? And he’d replied, I just met them now for the first time! And I could not believe my eyes, because he was generally quite open and at ease with them, to which people responded with equal comfort in their expression, that was quite something that started debunking my very ingrained ‘elitism’ I’ve grown up with at home, and I’m glad that I continue debunking the moments where this same very old pattern rears its head.

So that gives me another clue to see how I could recognize her experience based on what I have in fact lived in the past as well, and how I played out ‘the opposite’ in a way to deny my own discomfort, lack of confidence or inferiority that I sure have experienced in social contexts like that before in my life, and probably around her same age, so it is a point of arrogance really to pretend that ‘I’m always been this confident, this sure of myself’ because I’ve definitely not, and moments like these are here to remind me to not get ‘too high in my arrogant horse’ but be humble, understanding and grounded towards myself and others equally.

I have been looking also at the responsibility that we hold to each other to truly ‘do as we would like to receive’ and in that, it’s kind of astounding how it took me a few minutes to actually step out of my ‘high horse’ of ‘I am ignoring you because you seem so unsure of yourself.’ This pattern is something I’ll be looking at to see how I can in fact be so unsupportive towards another that is clearly ‘new’ to the situation and could rather use some support to be integrated, to do what I can to make them feel welcomed into the situation. That’s just basics of what I consider is what I’d like others to do for me in the same situation, without doing so from the starting point of judging her as ‘oh she’s looking so out of place, so insecure, gotta make her feel like at home!’ because then that would be playing out a polarity and that’s not the point either.

It’s basic stuff to live and act on the decision to include or integrate the other new person in the situation and in that also assist myself to stop these very embarrassing to admit type of patterns of essentially playing the ‘mean girl’ that excludes someone just because ‘they are new’ or ‘I don’t know them.’ I mean, this is how we limit ourselves in our minds so extensively, where we create our own comfort zones where we dislike having anyone/anything ‘disrupting’ – apparently – a moment with people that one has already created a comfortable expression with.

Though, I see how I have played out this same pattern in various contexts before, even with just another couple of people – meaning 3 in total as a social context – where I had become quite inconsiderate to others clearly showing that they were having a hard time about something, which is not cool at all. And this is part of applying the equality equation, not creating ‘preferences’ over people – which in my case is preferring to be with those that are open, assertive, showing confidence, enjoyment, comfort etc. – but to be the one that integrates everyone as part of my moment and my attention in the moment as it is doable and realistic to do, like in this kind of small reunions and having new people arrive and integrate them – was definitely doable and so I did.

To me it also speaks a lot of the ‘trigger’ point for me which is seeing someone that I perceive initially to be inferior and insecure – because a few moments later on another guy joined in for a moment and his attitude was completely different, very ‘open’ and kind of busy doing his own thing so to speak – and here I’m only comparing objectively my reaction to that person B as the man/guy that came into the conversation for a moment – I didn’t have such reaction at all, but rather crated an interest in knowing who he was and what he did etc. Maybe it also had to do with him being introduced to us with more words, but even so, I consider that my initial reaction had to do with how I ‘read’ the person as being more secure, more ‘socially oiled’ so to speak, lol.

So here as much as I’ve laid out a common sensical way to understand people in such contexts and even if I perceive another facing the usual reactions that can be triggered when being in a new environment, I can take responsibility = take part in it and start talking to the person, that’s the easiest way to integrate myself to them and them to the moment, to become part of the conversation – because that’s what I now remember assisted me greatly when being also a young girl hanging out with ‘older guys’ which we were in this context and person A was a relatively younger one.

As for my own pattern of going into superiority or a deliberate ‘ignoring’ of those that I perceive are having a hard time with themselves – specifically within the context of perceiving them as inferior or unsure of themselves – I have to deliberately step out of my superiority stance and comparison which exists in the form of ‘I am better than you because I feel comfortable and confident within me and I can see you’re not, so I ignore you’ –  yikes. I know this can be shocking for some, it has been for myself to realize it exists within me, but as with anything: reacting in judging myself for my own ‘body language’ and this type of ‘invisible communication’ being ingrained in how I behave, speak with others is definitely not the way to sort things out.

In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in moments where I’ve noticed other people having a hard time integrating, adjusting to a certain social context or conversation, and I go into the assumption that ‘they are feeling less than, insecure or even ‘intimidated’ by me or others in that moment’, I have to stop, breathe to bring myself back to considering the person, to realizing that If I am aware of what they might possibly be going through. And so the way to break the assumptions and the ‘spell’ of this ‘tension’ that such situation creates within me and maybe even for others too, is by breaking the ice and talking to the person, to see what they are all about and get to hear their words, what they have to say – instead of going into assumptions, comparisons and power plays within such situations.

Here I realize that I have a responsibility to myself and others if I am in such a moment witnessing a situation where I can make a difference, such as I eventually did with opening the conversation directly to her and getting off of my high horse or arrogant stance and rather get to actually enjoy seeing her expression, really.

I am glad I moved into the correction after all, but to me those moments where I allowed myself to go into this ‘superiority’ is the point for me to become extra-careful of and aware of, because there were not even ‘thoughts’ as backchat towards the person, it was simply a body-language assessment I made of a few seconds that led me to then determine that I had to ‘over-play’ my expression  of comfort, confidence in front of her, it’s like a power game of sorts that develops in this kind of social interactions to kind of ‘show myself off’ to the person which in fact can only exist if I am still existing as any point of ‘fear of feeling the same way that I perceive the other person to be experiencing themselves as’ which means, fear of feeling out of place, inferior or insecure, which is the only way I can make sense of why I ‘emphasized’ myself in such way the moment I noticed this other girl’s initial attitude.

And as I said before, it was merely an initial reaction because the rest that unfolded debunked my initial perceptions around her, though I do ponder what if I had decided to ignore her completely all the time and not having given me the opportunity to get to know her? I would have then prevented me from meeting a new person, and that’s it, which is something I’ve come to really enjoy doing.

So the learning point of this story is to not allow myself to act based on this pretty fucked up ‘instincts’ that play out with body language, as actions or inactions, based on what I am assuming a person is like or how they ‘look like’ or how I am instantaneously judging them. I cannot continue existing in such prejudices, because in the end, not only would I become an ‘elitist person’ in my own parameters, but I’d also be preventing me from expanding to truly do onto others as I’d like others to do onto me, which in this case is applying and living the equilibrium, that equal consideration of everyone that is participating in a moment, because that’s the principles I am learning to live by and how I’d like the world to see everyone else!

It brought me up to seeing how at a world level this plays out for example with immigrants that arrive in Europe and how they are of course fearful, feeling insecure, helpless, sometimes coming with extensive traumatic experiences to get to where they are – yet  many receive them with superiority actions like ignoring them, seeing them as ‘less than humans,’ deliberately attacking them at times, playing out all forms of rejection which is of course only worsening things overall not only for that context, but for everyone else in this world that learns from those ways of ‘treating foreigners’ – and I realized that I was about to play out my own part in that same construct with a ‘new person’ in a social context… definitely not acceptable and not cool overall to do.

I’ll continue to dissect my experience and role within it all as there are ingrained patterns that need to eat some huge pieces of humble pie, which I’m going to be cooking in the next few days J lol

 

Thanks for reading

 

 Silent Interplays

 

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539. Taking Life Seriously

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

A particular trait that I had also defined as ‘superior’ was the expression of seriousness within people linked to a particular intellectual character wherein both points – the characterization or ‘portrayal’ at a physical manner level plus all the ‘right words’ would usually lead me to feel intimidated or perceiving that I was ‘less than’ people that would present themselves as very articulate, stoic in their expression and most of all serious in their expression or communication, perceiving that this seriousness was something that I lacked – apparently – and that I would therefore only get to admire in others for the rest of my life.

Over the years of walking the Desteni Process, I’ve been able to slowly but surely debunk my own perceptions around this seriousness wherein I myself have embodied such seriousness as a way to cause a certain impact upon people in an attempt to say: look, I mean this for real, I care for this – which would at the same time then be more of a ‘show’ for others in my expression than me living seriousness in a supportive manner, and this I explain in a certain perspective in a vlog I made today here.

Here I want to check where I am in relation to this ‘seriousness’ and aligning it to what I want to live as an expression of ‘taking life seriously’ which doesn’t mean I have to keep a straight face all the time or act in a rigid and in a controlled manner, appear stoic and ‘motion-less’ or be overtly intellectual to be perceived by others as ‘me being a serious person.’ It is interesting how the definition of seriousness is mostly linked to this rigid expression which of course myself as a female, it became easy to associate this ‘seriousness’ mostly with males, which I have linked to a form of ‘physicality’ (which I’ll open up in a blog to come, a stability, confidence, grounding experience which I had separated myself from based on comparing my expression to that of males mostly, considering my bubbly and ‘flowy’ expression at times as a form of  weakness instead of simply embracing it as a part of my expression, no more or less than any other – so here again exposing the problem of going into comparison leading to an inevitable polarity of ‘more or less than’ which recreates consciousness-speak.  

So, here what I separated myself from is again a mind-experience related to ‘seriousness,’ a set of characteristics that are portrayed as a personality, a façade, a way of behaving or presenting oneself towards others, instead of actually living the word seriousness.

What does ‘taking life seriously’ mean to me? Essentially comprehending the role that each one of us have as creators of this reality and acting accordingly, which implies taking responsibility for our lives in our mind, being and body, learning to and applying ourselves to correct every aspect of our lives that we are the creators of and understand then the relevance each one of us has in this process of birthing life from the physical, in other words: taking seriously our role as ‘gods’ of our creation.

Here I want to specify how I’ve observed this within myself and other people that I’ve come to be in close contact with throughout my life wherein I would be intimidated or ‘in awe’ of certain people presenting themselves in this ‘serious’ character, yet when it comes to actually ‘walking the talk’ as in living the seriousness and intellect they might have had into a supportive manner, there was still quite a threshold and I could observe this within myself as well where I became more of a ‘show for others’ than fully grasping the actual capacity I had to live what I was preaching to the T and so genuinely take life seriously.

This assists me to debunk my own perceptions about what I’ve defined in me as a lack of ‘seriousness’ and instead now realize that I can assess for myself according to how I’ve lived, the decisions I’ve made and what I’ve committed myself to in order to define whether I am taking life seriously or not. I can self-honestly say yes based on the self-commitment I have, not to the utmost potential of ‘taking life seriously’ yet though, but I have a direction and set of ways to continue doing my part in whichever way I can to contribute to this living process from consciousness to self awareness as life.

I can therefore say that I have yet to fully embody taking my life seriously, but I understand and have walked in a consistent manner this practical learning process called life in self-awareness  of us being the creators of our lives, all of us being responsible for every action and consequence that has shaped our lives and that of others – understanding the scope of this existential process and at the same time understanding our role in it all.

Taking life seriously means participating in this process, being a life-birther so to speak not only in thoughts or eloquent speeches, but in who we are in our day to day actions, decisions, choices, ways of living, behaving, the kind of relationships we form with people, the kind of life we lead towards others and in our very own ‘secret mind’ – all of this is what reveals how serious we are with our own life and so life itself.

And because I cannot really ever measure or judge anyone as being serious or not about life, I can only live and do that for myself in my own life, and that’s what I commit to do, so that whenever I see I am being lax about the effect of my thoughts, words and actions in the constant and continuous process of co-creation in this reality, I have to ground myself back into taking life seriously and reminding myself that nothing that I participate for is ‘unaccounted for’ or ‘forgotten’ or ‘erased’ from the physical memory in this reality.

We have been existing into a seemingly ‘comfortable’ tunnel vision to understand the actual immediate co-creative abilities we have onto our reality with our very thoughts, words and deeds and their consequences of course as the proof of that, no matter how we may justify them or ‘paint’ them, we are all equal co-creators in this – yet, each one of us has the ability to decide what kind of creation process one gives life to, and the level of self-awareness that we have the potential to exist as vs. the level of awareness we ‘choose’ to blind ourselves with from our individual and collective responsibility to the whole.

So, here I commit to remind myself to not be impressed or intimidated by a personality that looks and sounds serious, eloquent, precise, meticulous, common sensical yet intellectual in nature, because this is where I need to always remind myself that as simple as it might sound: talk is cheap, words are ‘easy to say,’ they are ultimately just words, speeches – but Living Words is a whole different story. What we need is people actually living what we preach and this applies not only as an external ‘role’ or ‘profession’ for the world out there, but actually being so in one’s day to day.

Therefore, the point here is for me to be an example of what it means to take life seriously in my every thought, word and deed, wherein I commit to do what I set myself to be and do in the name of what’s best for all, where my life can stand as a testimony of what it means to ‘be the change you want to see in this world’ and do so without having to resort to the usual traits and personalities that may use ‘seriousness’ as a way to portray a form of superiority or ‘authority’ which many times – if not most – are not congruent in terms of ‘personal’ and ‘professional’ life.

That’s the divide I want to break here in my own life where I am not just someone that divides life and work in order to be ‘two separate beings’ that can take life seriously and not at the same time – no matter ‘what’ I do and where I am in the system, I commit myself to taking life seriously as in not being lax to my own application of self-correction and living expansion, and to honor that commitment through every decision I make in my life, which translates into living integrity and self-respect as creators of our lives= as within, so without.

That’s the kind of individuals that I’d like us all to become and debunk for once and for all the external facades of ‘care towards life’ that are not genuinely honored in the nature of who we are as individuals, becoming ‘cheap talk’ with no substance at all – and this is what I am here challenging within myself, to stick to my truth, to live my words, to practice what I preach in my living reality on a day to day basis, beyond only conveying good sounding words which anyone can ultimately convey – this is about sharing one’s truth and one’s commitment to actually live and embody as the new nature of ourselves as human beings, and that’s the kind of seriousness I’m definitely all in for in my existence.

Thanks for reading  

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


519. From Fear of Speaking up to Doing So

Or how to realize that those things that we fear the most and prevent doing in our lives hold a key to our self-honesty and self-creation

One of the things that I feared doing was speaking up to people that I had been in a relationship with and I feared doing it because of fearing losing the person – and guess what would happen? I would end up ‘losing the person’ as in ‘losing the relationship’ because of not directing myself to be honest with the person and expose, explain what I would see was going on within them, within myself and so within the relationship – I kept quiet instead and that became a great source of regret for me in the past, because over the years I realized how harmful it was to be aware of what others were doing to themselves – and within it, what I was also accepting and allowing within myself – and not stand up for what makes sense to address in order to change, to become people with integrity and self-respect.

Therefore one of the things that I committed myself to do in ‘the next’ partnership was to speak up, and put aside the fears of doing so and for once and for all step out of that particular fear. Well, I have to say that I did live up to this and didn’t do it that well at first – at times I would still speak up with emotions, at times I would speak up plainly about things I was assuming and not cross-referencing with reality facts, sometimes I was also too lenient to finally speak up, however I eventually learned to first stabilize my reactions, work with them in self-responsibility so that then I could remove all form of blame towards another and simply speak up what I was aware of and cross-reference it, open it up to see if what I was seeing was in fact so or not.

With practice and fine tuning within myself, I did manage to speak up in a relative stable yet direct manner, with a certainty within myself that even if that very moment of speaking up challenged the whole relationship, I still decided to do it, because I reminded myself of how I had compromised myself before in similar situations. I knew that I had to speak up now or remain living in a point of self-compromise and eventual regret. I chose self-honesty and yes, it’s not nice, not pretty, not satisfying for my mind and self-interest – but is exactly what I had to do when deciding to stand as the life that I am learning to respect in myself and others.

What I’m learning and corroborating is that we have to actually challenge those fears and walk through what we would fear saying or doing because of fearing unleashing a ‘worst case scenario’ or what at times one would like to perceive as a ‘nightmare’– but I knew that if I compromised again in not speaking up ‘this time around’ and actually contribute to create a point of change that can assist myself and another to realize ‘what we are doing to ourselves’, I would have thrown to the trash all of these years of preparing and telling myself that ‘I should have spoken up’ in the past, and that ‘I would speak up next time’. This time around, I have been able to ‘pull up m pants’ as they say – even if I wear none, lol – and stand on my self-honesty.

This is something that I can remind myself of every day and be clear within me of where I stand, what I accept and allow in my life and also, allowing myself to let go of my self-interest – manifested as ‘fears’ – and instead contribute to do what is best for us all when facing consequences for our actions, which I consider is the only possible genuine way to learn more about the ways we have compromised our lives and that of others.

This is what’s commonly known as ‘tough love’ and I have definitely been too lenient at times, too ‘supportive’ to a point where it’s not really assisting the other person to walk on their own, too protective at times when trying to prevent someone from walking over their own creation, too ‘considerate’ when trying to ‘save’ another from themselves and this I’ve proven to not be the best way to approach the notion of ‘support’ – instead, with time I realized that even if we have to walk through our ‘biggest fears’,  deciding to live my self-honesty is something I can live with, regardless of the tantrums I might attempt to throw in my mind.  By doing what’s common sensical to do = what’s best for all involved, I can stand at the ‘end of time’ and see that it was what was needed for a situation to actually improve, for ourselves to actually wake up from our mind-slumber and learn and understand what it means to be creators of our lives in their totality.  

Sometimes it can be sad when we have to walk through our own created consequences and some might be harsh ones that ultimately are the only ways I’ve seen can assist us to dismantle our dishonesties, our lies, our points of compromise, our points of dishonesty – while also knowing that with sufficient self-work assist oneself to stand up from it all and develop some real integrity and self-support, learn from it and stand up strengthened.  This is the one point that I’ll continue to work on because there is still a sense of ‘sadness’ that comes with having to face consequences, after seeing the potentials for the best – but again I repeat to myself: potential is everywhere, in each one of us, and yes we can foresee and project magnificent outcomes for each one of us ‘as a potential,’ but working to create it individually, for ourselves – not for another, not for ‘something’ separate from ourselves – is the actual challenge and the real test of where we stand in our lives, as individuals, as self-creators.

In the end it’s also about realizing that sometimes consequences are our best teacher and walking through them with integrity, self-responsibility and humbleness is the best way to then give the next steps in our lives, by learning from our mistakes, our choices, our decisions and prevent future similar situations, and that’s something we can only do for ourselves individually and keep walking the journey to life, waking up with and going to bed every day with the only person that we have the power to genuinely change in all aspects we see is needed: ourselves.

This means that speaking up ‘towards another’ is not the real point here, but this is in fact an outflow of being able to stand up within myself first and speaking up to my own mind and strengthen my own self-honesty and I consider this is the exact path to honoring our lives, even if it seems ‘fearful’ to our minds: we have the ability to transcend and work through those fears to then at some point in time be able to look back and thank ourselves for standing in self-integrity and self-honesty.

Thanks for reading

 

Suggested Interviews for further support:


  1. Compromising for Love (Part 1) – Relationship Success Support


  2. Compromising for Love (Part 2) – Relationship Success Support

 

watch your mouth

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


514. Debunking My Intellectual Arrogance

Or learning to apply the principle of ‘Investigate all things and keep what’s best’ and create a constructive outcome of a personal investigation

Today I woke up and listened to some more information that I’ve been following through for some months that essentially debunk and expose a lot of the ‘alternative culture’ I believed myself to choose to live by while growing up and more so as a teenager and young adult, which was at the time finding a way ‘out’ of the ‘common-culture’ or what I perceived as ‘the normal’ preferences in my environment and mostly in order to form a particular personality ‘out of the normalcy’, but also in an attempt to find something more meaningful in life than what I was immediately ‘offered’ to.  

Now, based on all these investigations I’ve watched, everything that I once learned to appreciate and identify with has been debunked as covert operations to precisely create the types of people and therefore societies in which we are actually living today, with certain notions of ‘radical’ values, ‘out of the norm’ ways of being, preferences that divert our attention from that which I now see and consider of importance and substance in my life.

What I have noticed though is that upon finding out the truth about all those ‘idols’ and people I got to admire at some point in my life and slowly but surely realizing that yes, they were mostly part of some CIA operation that aimed at creating ‘rascals’ or ‘punks’ or ‘hippies’ or ‘socially unfit’ people etc. .and in a way to continue ‘dividing and conquering’ or ‘confusing’ the masses and the youth specially so as to keep everyone well entertained with what I for me and my life consider not relevant things in life.

And here I also noticed that even if I have a clarity on how there is really no ‘mind control’ unless one accepts and allows it through participating it – meaning there’s a two way responsibility here – I still noticed that my overall ‘silent’ reaction was that of disappointment, disenchantment which leads into the usual experiential outflow ‘from love to hate,’ that in my case it turns into this absolutist stance where I am very quick to dismiss it all as ‘a lie’ or ‘bollocks’ or ‘mind control/ brainwashing’ and in one go wanting to completely ‘cut out’ all of myself that I once invested into all of that alternative or ‘counter culture’ that I once was a firm proponent of and supporter.

How did I come to realize this and write about it? Today after I shared the one post on Facebook to prompt people to ‘get informed!’ I went to the Desteni Forum and read a response that Sunette placed for someone else in a similar context to my situation here and that allowed me to be aware of this ‘lashing out’ that I was doing with certain intellectual righteousness and how I have in fact done this ‘from love to hate’ type of relationship with not only musicians, writers or artists in general, but also with philosophies, religious documents and other practices that I did test out for some time in my past and that I completely ‘threw out of the window’ the moment I started this process and in a way creating my own ‘radicalization’ that doesn’t apply the principle of ‘investigate all things and keep what’s best’, but go into the – once again – absolutist stance where I render all of it obsolete in my life, of no use, a waste of time and whenever asked about it, I can quickly dismiss it all as if there was zero value in it at all, which is not so, regardless of its underlying purpose.

So here I want to redeem myself in relation to this and what I so easily jump into a ‘black or white’ type of approach when in reality, it reminds me of having to remember my process. Here specifically considering the life that I’ve lived and how while I was growing up, I took what I found interesting at the time and what I thought would assist me to know ‘alternative perspectives’ and other types of ‘thinking’ than the one around me. At the time I had no reference of living principles or self-honesty or ways to question the kind of values I was getting into – maybe I did know what I was getting myself unto but didn’t question it further because ‘if others were doing it then why shouldn’t I too?’ type of thinking.

At the time I didn’t have any further information that could show me exactly what the ‘agenda’ behind any of the entertainment or arts I got into were really about and if I am honest with myself, a lot of that at the time and in its context allow me to get to know different people and get to nurture different perspectives, maybe not the most ‘supportive ones’ but were a sort of bridge or way for me to then get to be where I am now which was, breaking through certain parameters, norms, learning to question more and explore some other ‘lifestyles’ even if it was mostly through adopting certain preferences in literature, music or arts.

So here’s the quote that prompted me to look into this:

I suggest rather look at your past teachings, information, material, processes – whether good or bad, in a way of “what did I actually LEARN from it? What did I realise as I reflected on the consequences, the good, bad and ugly? How did it all actually assist and support me to realise and understand more about myself? What impact did it have on my life / awareness?” Then, in asking yourself these questions – you can SHARE, in a constructive way what you realized about yourself through it all. This SUPPORTS YOU and MANY others SO MUCH MORE than ‘lashing out / blaming / reacting’ towards anything / anyone in your past, as well as speaks volumes for who you are as a person.

In addition to this all – do realise your responsibility within making the choice / decision to invest in and participate in the past interactions / materials / processes; they did not enforce / demand / control you to. According to what you made of it, was by your will, initiative, self, decisions, reactions, responses, behaviours etc. 


So, again, and this goes for all who has the tendency to do this – POLARISE and REACT TOWARDS others, groups, teachings, materials – rather live “investigate all things, keep what’s good”, where you strive to be HUMBLE and rather UNDERSTAND it / them, take from it that APPLIES TO YOU, that you can use to be the BEST of you in thought, word, deed, self and life creation. 

Now also in your journey with Desteni / within Desteni = ensure you take the responsibility of deciding who you are, how to utilize it, support and assist yourself as you are in your own hands within the confines of your own mind, being and body and so solely responsibility for the decisions you make and the experiences you create; so as to not to one day for some reason shift in your decisions and go into blame and reactions towards something / someone for who you are and what you experience, rather LEARN and GROW and EXPAND. 


We tend to only BLAME and REACT when we in fact did not honestly reflect, learn, see and change at all… – Sunette Spies and the whole context of the topic please, you can read it here: http://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=7978

 

This is very supportive for me to consider at the moment and my approach to ‘getting informed’ and how I’ve been using it as a way to covertly lash out towards all of that which I once invested my time and life on.

Here thus taking my own responsibility, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the awareness of what some people have found are the real motives and purposes behind counter culture or alternative culture that I once firmly believed myself to be a part of and that I supported, recommended and promoted through my ways of thinking, speaking, my habits and relationships wherein now that I got to know a different perspective on it – or let’s say one of its main purposes – I reacted to it by deciding to expose it, attempting to generate controversy toward it in an attempt to ‘prevent’ others from being following the same or follow into ‘the same trap’ that I believe myself to have fallen into in the past, instead of realizing that I am definitely not going to be able to save anyone by merely ‘exposing’ stuff and vilifying it with the mightiest words I might have at hand, because I realize that only generates or regenerates the polarization as friction and conflict that lacks actual substantial personal input that could in turn be more humble and considerate to share from myself.

Here I therefore consider that I can instead share what I learned from it, what I discovered about myself with it and so at the same time showing the process I have walked to now understand the effects of my participation and integration of certain ways of thinking and living and how I have come to realize for myself, in my life and context are not best for myself, my life, my principles.

This means that I have to develop humbleness in reminding myself that the actual fact is that I had ‘positive expectations’ and thought of myself to be ‘better off’ or ‘superior’ in relation to my participation in this alternative/counter-culture I once sought to be a part of. Therefore when getting to find out that I ‘got myself duped in it’, all the ‘good’ turns to ‘bad’ and that’s how the lashing out and talking ‘against’ all of it becomes a knee-jerk reaction, instead of realizing that this is who I am as the mind that jumps from one pole to the other, instead of taking a moment to breathe, see how I there’s this ‘impulse’ that is moving me which I must take as an indication that I need to take a breath to look at the situation outside of my initial reaction and expand my perspective beyond the ones that I am now seeing being presented as ‘the reality’ or ‘the only truth’ behind it.

I can realize that I have to jump out of the lashing-out bandwagon and slow myself down to instead take a moment to reflect on that which is being ‘exposed’ about something and learn to process this for myself and so share what I’ve also learned from about myself within it or from it, sharing where I noticed that I compromised myself and my common sense to be ‘part of it’ and  so in turn creating a more constructive review of it all in a way that people can learn to also discern for themselves and reflect back on my own sharing.

Ultimately, I can only ever share my own example, my own discernment and self-investigation, but I definitely have to step out of the notion that through me reproving and exposing something will lead others to immediately change their ways and embrace my views and perspectives, this is more like wanting to ‘convert’ others which is not who I want to be in my life, that would not be me assisting others in their own self-realization either, but me trying to convert others to ‘my views’ now and that won’t ever work.

I can only ever share my views, perspectives in a constructive manner while ensuring that I am not holding any emotions to it or personal investment of ‘ego’ in it all, because the very process of sharing anything in my case is to precisely debunk my own personalities, my own ego, my own bias ultimately and I appreciate the fact that I can read stuff like the quote I posted above and be able to own my creation, to take it as a useful point of feedback that even if it wasn’t intended ‘for me’ per se, assisted me a lot to see my relationship with all of those people related to the counter-culture, philosophies or ‘alternative’ movements that I once embraced as ‘who I am’.

Here also a reminder for myself how even if those movements could have been psy-ops and covert operations to dissociate culture, we have made them effective through our own participation and not questioning to the T what kind of principles and values we are imprinting in ourselves within it all, what kind of direction in life are we aiming at with it?

And this is not about ‘those’ people that directed these movements ‘to blame’ – it’s entirely about our own responsibility, our own participation – myself that decided to get into it all and embrace it without a question– even if for only a phase in my life.

Bottom line is, I could not have done ‘all the perfect choices’ in my life and specially while being a teenager and finding my way through the world – not a justification either – but there’s a lot more that we could instead create as ways for the young ones to not fall prey of certain ‘cultural movements’ that lead oneself ‘nowhere’ in life, but to learn to discern and make choices in self-responsibility.

Therefore, this is not a ‘problem solved’ for me, this intellectual arrogance is something that I definitely have to keep working on because even if I can have a deep understanding of reality, ourselves as human beings, our mind, etc. – it’s all still an understanding, a base or foundation of information that can assist in living our lives in a more supportive manner, yet I still have to live It and continue to test it, apply it, be it and ensure that there is no egotism or superiority formed around ‘what I am aware of’ currently either, because that’s not the point at all about this process from consciousness to self-awareness as life either.

So, I keep working on myself and will continue sharing whenever this point emerges back on, as well as some time sharing more of myself in this counter culture too.

Thanks for reading  

 Master of the Worlds

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


504. Stepping Out of Comfort Zones

Or looking at the limiting nature of ‘comfort zones’ and why it is necessary to step out of them in order to live to our utmost potential.

Getting out of a comfort zone might seem scary, sometimes undesirable, sometimes plain ‘torturing’ but it is only so based on how we have defined our relationship to that which we have defined as ‘our comfort zone’. Meaning, we all know what is genuinely not supportive for ourselves yet we easily get accustomed to tolerate it, to ‘live with it’ and stopping genuinely questioning what is it that I am in fact accepting and allowing of myself – and others – if continuing existing this same way day in and day out?

However the point in defining this bundle of limitations, stagnations, fears and limitations as ‘comfort zones’ or ‘safe zones’ is definitely unacceptable, which leads us to rather look at who we are in our minds and how in defining limitations, fears, judgments, beliefs that limit our potential as a ‘safe zone’ is indicating the ‘default’ nature of ourselves in our minds, which is definitely not that of support, not that of assisting ourselves to grow and expand, not that of getting out of our predefined and ‘default settings’ so to speak that we are born with as a mind and being in a physical body that carries all the info from our parents plus our environmental influence.

So here I’m deciding to from now on remind myself to investigate and challenge that which I am perceiving as comfort-zone in my life, what seems ‘easy’ for me to do already because even if it is a constant point of support, if it becomes a ‘halt’ in my personal development because I don’t push any further to other aspects or directions, then that’s the moment where I start embracing limitation and stagnation as ‘who I am’ and believe it’s just how things are or how our lives are ‘meant to be’ which are usually accepted as ‘perfectly normal’ reasons as to why we are supposed to remain in one single spot that is comfortable to us in our lives.

It takes courage, sometimes evident ‘shit hitting the fan’ type of consequences to step out of a comfort zone in our lives and I can see it for myself how it may seem like a scary thing to do at first, but eventually one goes realizing that self-honesty cannot exist in a comfort-zone mindset, because self-honesty is about questioning anything that we have defined as a ‘good experience’ in our lives and ultimately with time, one begins to only ‘question’ it but if we don’t make directive decisions to actually challenge the status-quo and step out of our comfort zone out of fear losing the seemingly ‘safe’ or ‘good enough’, we’ll remain looping around the awareness at the same time of there being ‘something more’ to ourselves, a better version of ourselves, a better potential.

Yet, if we at the same time keep a hold of ourselves in a comfort zone in whichever way we have defined it in our lives to be, we are closing the doors to give those first steps into creating a potential, because comfort zone is mostly about remaining in ‘one spot’ and one ‘same zone’ that we believe is good enough or comfortable enough to even try and alter it, change it – because if we investigate further, we fear ‘losing’ something or fear ‘changing’ something but we forget that if our starting point is that of self-honest process of change, then how can we go into fearing that it will be ‘for the worse’ if we apply common sense and self-honesty? And that’s how we can debunk our illusions and limitations.

If there’s a thing that by default – by preprogramming – we fear in our lives is change, fearing the unknown, fearing that which we haven’t even created yet and is existing as this ‘formless future’ that we get scared to face… but, here I question this again, why would we be scared of the unknown when one can instead start becoming more directive in creating our reality – on a day to day basis – once that we let go of the fear to step out of the comfort zone. Meaning we won’t be directed by an experience as a fear or prejudice about ourselves or others, but we will be then making sound decisions that we can test out and live out as points of support for ourselves and see what opens up in doing that.

We don’t usually like or prefer to question our comfort zones, because questioning it and starting to see the reality of ‘who we are’ in them will invariably shake our status-quo, will invariably prompt us to look within ourselves, in self-honesty, and decide if this comfort zone is in fact a place of growth, expansion, letting go of fears and limitations – or if it has become a normalcy point of ‘stability’ but not genuinely taking the steps to get to create and so be our utmost potential.

Once that I establish this for myself in what I just wrote, and deciding to root myself in self-honesty, I see that I cannot fool myself any longer and that I can in fact know which aspects of myself have been stagnant, which aspects I could expand even more and I may not know the ‘ways’ to do this yet, because that is precisely yet to be created, but I can see a direction, a purpose that I will go fine tuning as I go living this decision to step out of the comfort zone, which is actually a cool thing in spite of what may come up in my mind as fears or reasons ‘not to do this’, but how else will we get past our fears, preferences, our judgments, beliefs and limitations other than facing them in our lives and work through transcending them? In this case I also rather have to be thankful for consequences, because how else would I notice these points to change within me and in my life?

Now that doesn’t mean ‘we always have to put ourselves through that which we resist doing in order to face something’ – no, otherwise someone might come up with the idea upon reading this of ‘fearing heights’ and so going to the top of the steepest mountain and test their fear there without considering the actual danger there could be to it if improperly prepared – this is not about that.

This is about those things in our daily lives that we know firsthand we are still living as a ‘repetitive machine’ that lives in memories/limitations of the past, always reacting with the same fears, the same judgments and that’s precisely where stepping out of a comfort zone is letting go of that memory and experience of ourselves as ‘all that we’ve known ourselves to be’ in that moment, and instead, step out of the box and into self-creation, living out the words that we see would be most supportive in that moment – which will be easy to spot at times because it’s usually things we have in fact been wanting to do for a long time or that we’ve learned/seen others do, but feared doing it by ourselves – and then live out that decision to cross the threshold, step into the ‘unknown’ and realize that… we are still here, we remain! After all of that fear, anticipation or resistance to change, one can actually make it through and look back to see the comfort zone as the actual self limitation-zone, the fear-zone, the judgment-zone, the least-potential zone it has always been.

If this is not sounding liberating to you, not sure what will! But to me this is a refreshing way of looking at things, especially when we perceive we are losing something as our comfort zone – and this point was said to me recently as well to not only look at what is ‘lost’ but rather as what is gained as well, since we cannot really ‘lose’ something supportive of ourselves while being in a comfort zone – understanding ‘comfort zone’ now as all the definitions and aspects of it I shared above – we can only lose the fears, the limitations, the beliefs, the dependencies, the judgments, the habits that are not supportive for our lives and instead decide to give to ourselves an opportunity, a new path, a chance to recreate ourselves in a way that we would be willing to live with in self-honesty and that means, ensuring we are not settling for anything less than what we are able to do and live by, because that is represented by default by the movement to ‘stepping out of the comfort zone’ – not just changing to choose a ‘least worst’ either.

Last point here, if we don’t do this for ourselves, who else will? Sometimes life pushes us to redefine ourselves, to change and step out of a comfort zone through consequence and that’s mostly not a nice or pretty situation, but mostly a necessary one if we are on this path to live to our utmost potential.

Sometimes we have to stand as or create that point of ‘out of the comfort zone’ for another to step out of their own limitations and break illusions that were preventing us from facing our ourselves or getting to create ourselves to that best version of that is there as a potential in all of us. This might seem scary to do at first when facing such situations, but if we push through in self-honesty and make a decision to not deceive ourselves any further – as in creating comfort in limitation – then we can find the necessary clarity and realize that as difficult or hurtful as it might temporarily be, ‘growing pains’ is a certainty in this process, yet it is a momentary phase too, it too shall pass and it’s entirely up to us then to decide who we are and what we decide to create once that we decide and live our moving out of our comfort zones.

Words to live in this process: courage, determination and consistency in stepping out of the comfort zones.

Thanks for reading.

 

Very Supportive material at Eqafe.com to review on this topic:

Comfort Zones and Dependency

Challenge Yourself

Fear of Change – Fears & Phobias

Waiting for Change – Reptilians – Part 316

 

 Walking the thoughts as me


497. From Displacement to Integration

Or how to curb an insta-reaction of feeling overshadowed by someone else’s presence and turn it into a moment of sharing the moment.

I’ve become aware of reactions within myself wherein I don’t necessarily think about things but it all happens in a quantum moment – meaning instantaneously – upon witnessing a change in my immediate environment related to people around me and the context I am in, wherein I’ve accessed a physical-reaction of discomfort, a tension that ‘takes over’ in a moment which I’ve identified as a comparison, a ‘value assessment’ in a very peculiar context that actually says a lot about an aspect of myself that I’ve been seeing more and more clearly these days.

It all started when frequently going to a particular shop where over time, I’ve developed a cool relationship with the people in it, the women that attend the shop are very kind and open and I’ve also walked my process to get past initial prejudices and start getting to know them a bit more. So, usually when I’m there I’m quite comfortable, yet I have also ‘enjoyed’ the fact that I would not usually find more people in the shop and be alone having essentially all the attention to ‘me’ mostly.

But one day as I was looking at the products, I heard someone else coming in and it was another woman and I frankly did not even look at the person, but in that moment just by being aware of the presence of someone else and seeing the equally affable stance and amicability that the ladies attending the shop were sharing with this newcomer customer led me to experience an immediate and insta-displacement of ‘my position’  – lol – that I apparently had before the other lady came in and how it came to a  ‘low’ when they were busy with the new customer now, which of course makes absolute sense here and I rationalized it as such but, this was after I had already gone into that initial physical reaction about it.

Then I glimpsed at the other lady and there was this insta-comparison going on as in me being ‘inferior’ based on looks to that other woman and in that then a very, very subtle experience in me again of wanting to ‘swipe aside’ my actual reaction came up.

Now I’ve just described the physical events as they took place but at the same time of all of this, I didn’t have thoughts in my conscious mind as in ‘oh no a new customer is here’ nope, not at all. What I’m describing as a reaction was at a very physical level which means it became a subtle stiffness and rigidity in my head area, also avoiding to ‘look at the person’ as in not wanting to immediately appear that I am ‘acknowledging’ her, which was already done by me going through this ‘assessment’ that in a way I was being ‘displaced’ or had ‘my space, my position invaded’ by someone else – lol ! – and at the same time I experienced a subtle ‘sinking’ in myself which is how I’d define the inferiority point towards the other lady just through listening to the equally affable and amicable interactions she was also having with the shop assistants.

I was aware of all of this experience going on in me and I did make it a point to practice the word Embrace as in embracing the new person in the environment, realizing that the ladies attending there are not ‘exclusive’ for me and that I essentially had to step down of my notion of special-customer and superiority in it, which is quite funny to point out in me but it shows a lot of what I actually tend to have as a constant presence throughout my entire life wherein I almost expect to be treated ‘royally’ by everyone else, with special regard and consideration. So if anyone could step in to ‘take that place’ in whichever situation, I’d feel ignored and so that ‘sinking feeling’ would emerge in myself, which is really another form of silent personality tantrum that comes as this physical-discomfort for a moment that I can identify as a form of constant elitism or superiority complex in relation to others, and in relation of how I expect to be treated by others which I’ll call ‘the royal syndrome’.

On the other hand, I’ve felt uplifted whenever I have received ‘special treatment’ anywhere, even when I know there are distinctive differences being made towards other people somehow in myself I feel very ‘right’ that someone could have this special regard or consideration toward myself, even when walking past males and some would gently ‘revere’ when passing next to me, those are all like ‘clicks’ as if it was an acknowledgement of my ego, in the sense of: ‘Ah! They do know who they are dealing with’ lolol

So that’s why as I had shared in some recent blogs, the idea of being ignored or being treated ‘equal to every other person’ still created a slight reaction in me, which doesn’t make sense at all! Because I am walking a process to precisely embody what it means to entirely live and consider all other beings as equal to myself which means no more and no less can exist as a judgment toward me or toward others.

However not to judge myself for it, I can change this with a constant diligence considering how embedded as an aspect of myself this has become and probably I can call it the ‘princess programming’ really because it deals with a sense of elitism and expecting a form of ‘special treatment’ or ‘reverence’ wherein if I don’t get that and I am genuinely treated like everyone else, there is a sense of being ignored, left out, ‘downgraded’ lol which only exists as a perception altogether in my own mind.

As for the situation with customers, it has happened various times and I have moved myself to practice that embracing In real time moments wherein I assess my reaction and behavior and move to integrate myself in the moment that is being shared between all of us; sometimes I join in their conversation which has led to cool openings several times, which is awesome and this I find I can do quite comfortably after I have processed my initial insta-‘shock’ of having someone else in the same space all of a sudden and triggering that initial ‘displacement’ perception, but it’s all in my head really, I have lived this for such a long time that it will take time and practice to be able to stop the whole pattern from triggering whenever I see the same reaction rearing its head. 

How I have played out this character in the past – before moving to integrate, embrace and see others as equals – I would not know how to ‘deal with’ my experience, would not be able to conceal it as it is something that would almost ‘take over me’ and that I can also see comes from family patterns on both sides, this desire to always be the shining star on one side and on the more ‘concealed self-importance’ side from the female where between women there’s this untold competition that I practically also have worked through in real time embracing of another, another’s expression, focusing on their eyes and not judging their expression, focusing on their words and what is being said instead of focusing on my mind and assessing all kinds of useless things.

In the past I would become very stiff on the upper area on my body which would translate into a very controlled, sometimes probably arrogant expression towards the other people and that was definitely not cool to do, because it is the usual pattern of masking inferiority with a sense of authoritarianism, control and fake-confidence which is the same that any tyrant tries to do whenever he/she sees their domain going ‘out of control,’ it’s all based on fear protecting a false premise of myself as either superior or inferior or ‘unequal’ to any other being, which is the delusion I have to practically stop at all levels within me, no matter how ‘subtle’ it may be.

Therefore, embracing others in such contexts means: I see them as equal as myself, I can integrate in their conversation if I see there is something I’d like to share or contribute or ask from them to learn about, which has turned into sharing practical tips and I’ve enjoyed that too. Here I have to assist myself to be able to ‘cut the chain’ from this whole character, and prevent myself having to go through that initial stiffness and tension from acknowledging others to simply directly living this word embrace and physically relaxing my body and then proceed to see if I can participate in the discussion or not.

Sometimes I simply ask them a question on what they’re buying and that’s then another way to prove to myself that whatever idea I had created about them is only in my head, because I usually find that we can talk and be open in that moment which is a healthy practice as well whenever possible; if their interaction is short or there’s no point I see I can interject with and integrate myself with, I simply practice breathing, being relaxed along the same space, me acknowledging them, giving them the equal right to be there in that moment, the equal right to be attended in an affable manner because it’s common sense! That’s what I like for myself so it is kind of delusional for me to attempt to curb that from others.

So, I’ll continue debunking this ‘attention grabber’ and ‘elitist treatment’ expectation that I’ve built within myself as a ‘normal’ way to interact with others, which is clear by all that I’ve shared here that it’s not really supportive for myself, nor for others, nor for my body and expression.

Therefore, here’s to debunking the ingrained seemingly ‘silent’ aspects of myself and getting more specific with my own application.

Thanks for reading

 Meddling

 

Join us in our process of Self-Awareness as LIFE


478. Want Transparency and Integrity? Let’s BE It

Or how to start becoming the solution to all lies and deception within our very own minds

There was a great opening by Cerise and Joe to consider how it would be for every person in our lives to know about what we have thought, imagined, fantasized in absolute detail doing or saying to them throughout our entire life and then asking ourselves if knowing all of this would change the way they see us, and if we would be able to face them without shame or guilt.

The ‘scary’ thought of this implies right off the bat: we got a ton to work on in relation to developing self-honesty which means acknowledging our very own thoughts, every fantasy or imagination, every experience created by ourselves as a form of self-interest where we only consider ourselves but never really give too much of a thought about that person that we are ‘thinking, gossiping, judging, fantasizing’ about in any way – positive or negative, same thing – because for the most part we’ve believed that these things do not affect others, but it’s become quite clear that we cage each other in our own ideas, beliefs, perceptions about others which we synthesize as a form of judgment, backchat, reaction towards another that we then turn into behaviors, ways of ‘treating’ a person which means, we make of those opinions a ‘very real’ representation of the other person in our minds, which then defines how we treat them/see them/acknowledge them, where we justify whatever we are doing onto ‘them’ because it seems righteous, because we believe ‘that’s who They are’ – but, considering that every single person would be able to see and get to know the exact detail of everything I have ever thought about them in my mind, it would surely be a daunting consideration, but to be honest I’ve been hearing the words ‘all will be known’ for close to 9 years now and this has definitely been a factor to curb my ‘self-entertainment’ in a continuous  way related to how and what I think about others.

However this does not mean it is entirely done and sorted out in me, not at all. I’ve faced many forms of challenges in relation to what I think, perceive, judge or react to in others, and the truth is that I many times don’t immediately stand on my ground of self-responsibility to rather see what are these thoughts, judgments, fantasies or experiences revealing about myself. I actually had been considering this for the past couple of days and here to answer the question, I do consider that people would definitely react upon seeing whatever I have thought or perceived about them, because we are not really taught to deal with such perceptions/imaginations about others in our minds as the expression of those that think or fantasize about it and that in no way does it really define ‘who we are’ – meaning, in any case, anything I have thought, gossiped, idealized, imagined, judged, reacted about towards ‘others’ is in fact defining myself and only myself as aspects or parts of myself that I have to work on, but that we as human beings conveniently usually deflect to ‘others’ in an attempt to dodge self-responsibility and self-reflection, which usually stems from wanting to see ourselves under a the light of ‘being a good person.’

Here then, I have pondered many times throughout the years about a potential situation in this world where we could suddenly have all the ‘veils of the mind’ lifted from ourselves in one go and all the chaos that would possibly ensue if we were to suddenly see every single detail of anything that every person we know – or don’t even know – but get to know of have had such imaginations, fantasies, judgments, opinions about ourselves, and how that could ensue like a real ‘world war’ if we don’t get to settle ourselves to understand how everything that we ‘think’ – imagine, perceive, judge, fantasize, react to – about another is in fact our own expression, judgments, ideas, perceptions and that in no way does it really define ‘another’ but ourselves.

That realization is usually an ‘ouch’ experience to most where we’d like to think that we ‘have a right’ to think of another in our heads ‘whatever we want’ with some sort of power to judge, criticize, fantasize about in whichever way – this is certainly a timely situation to consider that we don’t, and that no matter what we do, we’ll face each and every single person in our lives that we have ever had those thoughts about and walk every one of those relationships – no matter how menial – into a point of correction. That’s what our Life Reviews will be about.

So, I’ll share here how through walking this process from consciousness to self-awareness, I have already had my own taste of shame, regret, embarrassment and a personal experience of wanting to ‘dig a hole’ for my own head upon reviewing some of the most shameful things I’ve done, thought or fantasized about in my  mind about others. I am sure I haven’t walked through them all, but it is so that in those moments I have also projected possible scenarios where if I would face those people again, I would ask forgiveness and explain ‘where I was’ at the time of my life where I was creating those ideas, reactions, perceptions ‘about them’ – and in several occasions how I acted the way I did toward them, how my decisions were influenced by all of this mental chatter – and how I eventually found out all of it was in fact about myself only; I would share how I have learned to assist myself to correct these judgments, ideas, thoughts or participations so that we can stop recreating this ‘invisible world’ of lies and deception that we allow to exist in our minds towards another, but we don’t dare to actually confront and lay out before another to be honest about one’s own experience and walk a process of self-honesty to realize oneself as the origin and creator of those reactions that we are simply projecting or imposing upon others as ‘who we believe they are’ – when they are then, in fact, not.

Would they decide to change the way they see me upon knowing all of this? Considering how most of us operate in our minds, I’m sure it would create a lot of rifts in a relationship, because we haven’t learned to not take things personally, but we always are quick to believe that ‘that which another said about me defines me’ and forget all about questioning the creator of such judgment in the first place. So it would be quite expected and normal to walk through a phase of having all of those people suddenly see me with ‘bad eyes’ and then it would be my responsibility to acknowledge where and how have I worked on taking responsibility for those things said or fantasized about another and accordingly go working on my own responsibility about them through self-forgiveness and so walking a process of self-correction.

Would I be able to face them without shame or guilt? As I explained above, most likely not, even if I am not ‘technically’ seeing the people I have been reviewing memories or situations of my past – including ‘recent present’ – in my mind in order to process it, take responsibility for it in my head, I have felt such shame, regret, embarrassment and guilt many times before. But at the same time, I’ve learned how it can only be a temporary experience really, and it’s up to me to make of this shame more of a transitory learning experience rather than a self-bashing and self-judgment process that then becomes another layer of judgment for me to process. I’ve created a reminder to myself to not fall prey of ‘double-judgment’ where one judges oneself for the judgments, beliefs, perceptions one has created about another… it’s definitely easier to acknowledge the point, and yes it sometimes it may be impossible to not go through shame, guilt, regret, but here I can stand as my own surety so that it doesn’t become a form of emotional manipulation for me to not continue seeing my responsibility in it all, but step out of that belief that I become ‘less’ in acknowledging my faults, my own judgments – and so see how it is actually only a point of self-respect and integrity that I decide to build and create as myself when deciding to acknowledge my own creation of those parts of myself that I have the power – as in being capable and able – to change them for and by myself.

A very important reminder that has assisted me quite a bit lately is the realization that what defines a person is not ‘all that they have been’ in their past, but more like how we decide to stand up from ‘the past’ that we’ve been and become. It’s only us that hold ourselves/each other as prisoners of our own past perceptions, judgments and beliefs, leading us nowhere really other than recreating the same illusions of separation that are able to be self-forgiven, taken responsibility with the purpose to change the way that we stand in our minds, the way that we ‘use’ our minds and so in turn, changing how we interact towards others.

A practical reminder for me is precisely to consider how every single thought, word and deed Is part of who I am, my creation, therefore I have to be accountable for it all, because how I face and confront those challenges – such as suddenly people finding out all about how I ‘thought’ of them – is what defines me, and so I have to remind myself that no matter how ‘awful’ some of these points might be, what defines me is who I decide to be from now on that I acknowledge that aspect/part of myself that requires a direction, that requires my responsibility to change because of seeing, real time, that it is not at all supportive to remain in my own denial of these parts of myself if I am a person that is craving or even demanding transparency in this world.

If I am ‘demanding’ transparency and integrity, the ‘truth’ out there, we have to start by creating these words, living these words within ourselves. I bet that none of us that have desired this to exist in our ‘world systems’ have considered to what extent the solution resides in the very secret corridors of our minds and all those accumulated experiences toward people around us, people that we see on our ‘screens’, people that we interact with on a regular basis either in a very personal or impersonal manner… I personally would like to see the day where we could eventually see everything of each other, because then it would be so in our face to recognize that no one can claim innocence in not having ever gossiped, fantasized or judged another; we all have done it in various degrees and the way to start getting a taste of what it would mean to live in a transparent world with integrity is by reviewing all of those judgments that we have created or fantasized about in relation to others, take responsibility for it in recognizing it as or own creation, as our own acceptance and allowance that doesn’t define ‘that other person’ or situation, but ourselves entirely.

And so the only ‘salvation’ that exists here is truly self-forgiveness, no doubt about it. How else could we give ourselves a second chance to face these very grim, dark or despicable aspects of ourselves if we didn’t give ourselves the ability to stand up from it, learn from our mistakes and ensure that we stand ‘hands clean’ from now on in order to not recreate/repeat those same patterns toward other people, but instead develop the practice of ‘placing a guard in front of our mouths and minds’ as in being more aware of what we think, say, do, fantasize or react towards another about, and make sure that we know we are defined by what we believe is ‘defining another’ that we are projecting these thoughts upon.

It is all about self-reflection and in that, we will then be able to not only actively change the way that we interact, live and create our societies, but also at the same time stop the ‘sins of the fathers’ in relation to this deception, hypocrisy, judgments, fears in relation to others, so that we can start becoming self-accountable beings that don’t require a ‘thought police’ to be punished for some ‘bad thoughts’ about others that we turn into heinous acts or crimes – we can then know exactly what we nurture or feed within ourselves, we can exactly decide who we are in every moment in relation to another and ensure that we can stand ‘at the end of time’ clear and self-corrected in relation  to those thoughts, those judgments or experiences towards ‘others’ that, ultimately, are in fact also ourselves anyways – equal and one.

This is actually a very cool subject to bring to our awareness because it is through ‘dropping the veil’ of seeing another as a ‘separate me’ that we can start realizing how much of what we believe is ‘done onto another’ is always done to oneself – abuse, is always Self-abuse. Therefore, doing this exercise, practically, can assist us in becoming more comfortable and closer to the actual truth of ourselves, which is by default not something nice, pretty and pure – we all have our aspects and parts of ourselves to change and correct. Here then, we must not see guilt, same, regret or embarrassment as the solution, nor as a ‘way out’ of actually sorting out these points in us – these reactions are but distractors if they remain a bit too long as our experience – we have to walk through our creation and take responsibility, it’s the least we can do after we’ve ‘fired those bullets’ existing as harmful thoughts and experiences ‘shot’ at others.

Once the trigger is pulled, there’s no going back. But fortunately, with what goes on in our minds, we can at least correct it, ensure we don’t act upon it or recreate it any longer and more so, ensure we don’t take such thoughts or experiences about another into an actual bullet that maims another’s life. We can remind ourselves of this every time that we believe it’s ‘easy’ to imagine stuff, to think stuff and believe it all goes ‘away with the wind’ because ‘it’s only thoughts’ but nope, it’s all here, recorded in the very physical day to day life that we walk through in this world.

So, let’s define ourselves by having the guts to acknowledge and recognize our creation, by deciding to walk through all of these judgments towards ‘others’ and claim them back as our own creation that ‘defines us’ until we decide to also change those reactions about ourselves into something that is genuinely supportive for our lives, that can stand as a building block of the self that we are willing to stand by and with for the rest of our existence.

If we want a world that is no longer ‘full of lies,’ we have to stop lying and deceiving ourselves with an image or belief of ‘being a good person’ – none of us have really been so if we have ever allowed but one single thought about another in a compromising or harmful situation. Food for self-reflection, because it’s more honorable to take a step forward and say ‘I’ve done that, that’s me’ than giving a step back and running away with an idea of ‘I’d never dare to do something like that!’ – that’s a choice right there into self-honesty or self-dishonesty, all up to us – but let’s be aware that each decision we make defines our present, who we are and by all means defines the nature of the future that we are co-creating for ourselves and generations to come.

I’d say, it’s time to stand up with courage and claim ownership of our own lies, so that we can then take responsibility and gift those parts back to ourselves as words that we want to live within and toward others in our lives.

Thanks for reading

 

Suggested interview:

If you tolerate this then your children will be next

 

Walk with us in our path to create a transparent world:

 


429. What Relationships Can Be In This World

I just remembered how when I was growing up and going through school, I saw the disparity that existed between people. I used to be the one that would always get it ‘all right’ and it truly saddened me to see that others could see themselves as not being able to do something, getting sad and nervous because of not being able to achieve something or perform in something, or perceiving themselves as not good enough or simply truly weren’t able to create a certain outcome for themselves: a project, an exam, a task, understanding some kind of exercise in any subject. In this, within reflecting about what we truly need to create in this world, common sense dictates that it is definitely not a series of relationships based on competition, comparison, wanting to be ‘on top of others’ or deliberately sabotage others in order to perceive oneself to be ‘winning’ – and the same goes for the opposite side where we deliberately sabotage ourselves, set ourselves to lose and become plainly apathetic, angry or depressed about virtually everything, not wanting to live –  instead, I consider that creating relationships of mutual support  is what is needed in our world.

I read the other day someone’s post where they pointed out how there is a ‘life coach for almost everything nowadays,’ which is so in an era where anything can be turned into a business – yes, virtually anything – and so the person concluded  that each one should instead be their own life coach. I wholeheartedly agree on the latter since the whole problem in this world is that we have become blind by our consent and led to the slaughterhouse with tricks and gimmicks that we wholly bought into, because we didn’t know any other form of self-respect – we can forgive ourselves for that… But, the point of applying any form of self-support and self-improvement is to eventually get to a point where one does not depend on any other person to get to see the common sense in any situation, to get to learn to trust oneself, to learn to make decisions, to face the mistakes and consequences, essentially to learn how to live, how to motivate oneself without expecting the carrot on the stick the next moment and reach one’s utmost potential within the consideration and foundation of what is best for all – whichever this potential/expression may be for each person in their lifetime.  

However, throughout these years I learned that we are unfortunately not born with an intrinsic set of abilities, considerations and realizations to become this self-improved version of oneself from the get-go. I wish it was like that, that we had common sensical parents, education systems, families, media, politicians, entertainment and the whole rest of things and people that we are influenced by and consume throughout our lifetime, having little to no reference of how things could be ‘better.’ And if it was so that one we didn’t need  to learn or support ourselves from others, it would be obvious by now: we would not have the mess of the world we have now, let me fine tune that: the mess of the people we have become in this world.

So, I then reflected on myself. Sure, I had some ‘qualities’ that people in the system would have regarded as ‘remarkable’ but none of it was of factual substance, it didn’t benefit anything or anyone but a ‘mark’ on myself and my ego. Any personal success sure felt ‘good’ but at the same time it felt completely contrived, my life was not satisfying even if ‘I had a good life.’ So what was really missing? Well every time I looked around and saw that this reality of ‘success in all’ didn’t exist to everyone, available for everyone, I would get depressed and sad because come on! who the hell can enjoy the sight of misery? No one in their common 5 senses. 

When I started walking this process 8 years ago now, I realized that the much hoped for ‘change in the world’ that I expected to be created or emerge by the hand of some ‘god’ or ‘force of nature’ out there, had to be in fact started by myself, by supporting me and allowing myself to actually be supported by others that were doing the same for themselves. This is in fact the greatest gift I was able to give to myself when it was made available as such – as it is currently now for everyone that wants to support themselves as well – unconditionally, with no second agendas other than applying the principle of what it means to be ‘one and equal’ in fact, of understanding the necessity we all have to stand up, assist ourselves to become the best versions we can be of ourselves and so, change the world.

Would I have been able to immediately, without any help/support, be able to ‘stand up’ within myself and now stand as support for others too?  Absolutely and honestly, no. I was too emotional to have been able to see past those experiences and discover my inner strength, to realize what I was in fact able and capable of being in my life, which has been possible throughout this process which does involve having other people being there for you to assist us, to suggest directions, to remind ourselves of what we may already be aware of at some level but haven’t been paying enough attention to realize that we do have a potential to be this best version we can of ourselves, we just have covered it up with fears, beliefs, judgments, opinions, ideas, distorted and often disrespectful imaginations of ourselves. This is where I realized that I in fact needed that helping hand, and how grateful I am for it because I would not be who I am now If I hadn’t made the decision to walk this process, to actually join a group of self-support and let go of all of my fears or ideas that I had related to ‘being part of a group of self-support’ no matter how hard it was to let go of my idea that ‘I could do it by myself’ too, which I’ve realized is mostly ego at times when I know and have from time to time reference how supportive it always is to have another pair of eyes and ears to reference one’s choices and decisions in life.

What I understood from the first day I decided to in essence walk this process and change my life, is that I wanted to be able to assist in this process of ‘changing the world’ by changing ourselves. I wanted to be part of the team of people that could in the same way that I was being assisted to stand up for once and for all, also assist others in doing the same in their lives. Today me and the same group of people that have walked this process for over 8 years together, were reflecting about how satisfying it is to actually assist oneself and assist others to become ‘the better version of themselves they can be’ or ‘to reach their utmost potential,’ in essence, to become part of that change that we so dearly want to create in this world.

I can honestly say that I had not realized how I am in fact doing what I have been seeking to do since I was a very little girl. I tried helping people with studying and learning stuff, since that’s what I was programmed to be ‘good at’ I guess, but that’s not really something entirely useful for the rest of our lives. Assisting another to actually develop their inherent abilities and qualities to live life to the best of each one’s ability and become an extra-ordinary person is definitely something that is in all sense of the word, priceless and fully satisfying.

So, I mentioned how it would be awesome if we all had relationships in this world that were as supportive as the ones that we have between ourselves as a group of self-support. And the reality is that: we can! We only have to make the decision to do so, all that it takes is first doing this for ourselves, to be humble enough to realize: yes, I require some support, I can benefit from some assistance in learning how to support myself, to direct myself to eventually be trusting myself to not only keep doing this for me, but also extend this support to others. I also understand that some people can have the capacity, skills and general discipline it takes to do this for yourself, to be your own ‘life coach’ if you will: my hats off to them if they truly consider they can do it by themselves… but I can only speak for my life and the situations where I had to be humble enough to realize: I needed some help because I was a bit lost at the time.  And! it is an ongoing process, because it’s a continuous feedback loop to learn from, to nurture ourselves from each other and from whichever each one lives in our day to day.

This is not just buying or paying for a service that you get as a form of therapy, this is not a one person you don’t know that gets to listen to you for hours. I as many others involved in supporting other individuals, in fact walk with one another side by side, as equals in the process  – we do this because we not only understand that everyone at some point in their lives need a hand, need some support, need some guidance, but also because we understand that if we have an ultimate view of this world being able to be something better than what it is now, we don’t have to go that far to try and ‘change the world’ as an unintelligible mess, but to rather take the first steps and start with ourselves, one by one. It is also because it is part of living the principles that I decided to align myself in this life: do onto others as you’d like to be done onto you. And in a more directive manner as it happened to me: do to others what others unconditionally have done in support of you and your life in this world. This is invaluable.

The relationships created with this group of people I work/communicate with are something that I would not change for the world. It is not just a one way ‘coach-trainee’ relationship, it is not a leader-follower relationship, it is beyond that. It is about human beings that decide to assist and support each other for an entire lifetime if needed until the person stands in self-trust and sufficient confidence so that they now can be a pillar of support and assistance to others that are equally willing to assist and support themselves. This is not a facilitator-receiver process only, this is one deciding to get involved with the person in a process where through communication, week after week, throughout years,  a real bond is created, an actual care for another is developed, ensuring that one is there as a point of reference when our compass seems to get a lost and continue to support in the development of all the qualities and skills that each person discovers they can bring forth or create as part of this self-creative path.

This is the process of weaving the relationships, the community, the network of people that are and will continue to change the way that we live in this world, and so change it in fact.  This is the real reward: not money, not recognition, not ‘feeling good’ only for a moment or positive highs, or relationships of monetary interest, not at all. This is the actual creative process for a person to realize who they really are and can be in this life not only for themselves, but for the common good of everyone and everything else, while developing relationships with people from around the world for a lifetime. That’s what real friendships and relationship should be about in my humble opinion.

I dare you to find this out for yourself.

 

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.


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