Category Archives: Life

641. Early Stages of Pregnancy: Doubts, Fears, Worries and Getting to Own the Decision

 

 This is a long overdue blog, but there are a couple of reasons why I wanted to write and share about it once that there were certain points ‘in place’ for me to openly do it. This is about the most important decision I’ve made and am still actually learning to walk in my life and to get to a point of owning it, which will mean stepping into a new phase in my life, stepping into ‘the unknown,’ into what throughout most of my life had defined as ‘the most fearful thing’ I ever could think of doing – or the ‘biggest fear’ that I could name whenever anyone asked me ‘what is it the think that you fear the most?’ and one that I thought myself to be quite certain of when it came to ‘saying no’ to it – and yes, I even may declare myself as a ‘culprit’ for having also at times attempted to discourage people from doing, since I also went through a phase where I considered overpopulation was ‘the problem’ in our world – and not the nature of who we are and so ourselves being the solution, not the ‘quantity’ – but, I’ve learned my lessons and have given myself the chance to evolve from such limited mindset that was part of some brainwashing I went through when being a ‘concerned teenager.’ And yes, I truly thought that it wasn’t going to be something I’d have to go through in life.

Well, as always, Life says ‘here I come’ and change knocks at your door and….! I am now four months pregnant (!) and the idea of bringing a child into this world with the best person I’ve known and have had as a partner is an idea that is now sitting quite well within me and I am embracing more and more as days go by, where there is actual joy and gratefulness emerging as we continue to establish the foundation of who we are individually, what we would like to provide to our child and the benefits that we can create for a new person coming into this world, for ourselves and better so, for society and the world at large… but! This wasn’t my immediate experience and it’s been a process to get to that point – I’d say it still is – so this will be about sharing the experiences I’ve been having throughout these past months.

First of all, I didn’t want to share how fearful I was and still not having walked through those fears in a way that could be supportive for others to read and possibly learn from. So, this will be a detailed explanation of what I went through when finding out I was pregnant and being open about the fears that emerged, the uncertainties, the comparisons, the prejudices that yes perhaps I didn’t even dare to confront within myself, but that I deeply experienced and had to eventually work through within myself with the support of others to as well to it, which otherwise would have probably made this a lot tougher.

I found out in May 22nd that I was pregnant with a simple pregnancy test. I had my suspicions since I’m quite regular with my period and there was already like a 3 to 4 day delay, and there were other unusual ‘symptoms’ that I wouldn’t get in my regular period. This is not my first ‘am I pregnant?’ type of ‘scare’, but this time I was doubled-troubled about it, I feared it more than other times if it turned out that it could possibly be a ‘yes.’ Somehow in the back of my head I kept the idea of ‘possibly’ perhaps, maybe, somehow having a child later on, but interestingly enough somewhere last year I had made a very ‘clear’ decision to not go into the ideas of having a child – at least for now, or so I thought! Lol. Even though being honest, the thought did emerge based on the relationship I have with my partner, but then I simply went into a more ‘rational’ view that included certain fears about finances and being able to provide for a child up to the time they are  capable of supporting themselves. Yep, since then the money concern emerged as well.

But I have to backtrack a little bit because the whole context of myself throughout this year is quite interesting to look at in what I now see almost as a ‘preparation’ of what would come almost in the middle of the year. I decidedly started the year with what I have defined now as a healing and self-creation process, which involved walking the decision to support myself to work on some points that I had just been dragging around and that could ‘possibly’ be linked to causing some health issues – which were actually intermittently happening throughout the past year – and I decided to look for alternative ways to support myself instead of only resorting to taking medicine and hoping that I ‘eradicate’ it that way. In a ‘shout out’ to get support,  I took the offer from my fellow life-processer walker and sharp-eyed friend Leila to have a Life Alignment session with her for support, and I would say that such session at the end of December of last year  turned my life around for good.

 Leila’s support and session assisted me tremendously to become aware of certain patterns I was still defining as ‘having to carry them’ to finally come to understand, forgive and let go of them, which were most likely the emotional issues causing the consequences I was facing at a physical level. Through opening up all the points that came up in that session and taking the route of the suggested alternative support, I was able to open myself up to a healing phase and at the same time, to really step into a point of self-creation that I had kept ‘on hold’ because of, in a way, still ‘torturing’ myself with the past and not really forgiving myself completely.

So, from January on after that session with her, I visited a regular doctor to find out what I had – which yes had to do something with the reproductive system – and decided to go to alternative therapies to assist with the healing and body balancing process, while knowing that there were very clear points I had to work with and process emotionally as well, which I did as well and it definitely turned my life and inner presence around as well. I started taking Qi Gong classes which I definitely enjoyed, as well as getting to hear these other two alternative medicine specialists on ‘my case,’ which assisted me a lot as well to have that understanding of how I created my own symptoms and recurrent illness – and in a way, reinforce the perspectives that I had been ignoring: being able to self-forgive and let go. Yep, at times we can be stubborn in believing we have to ‘hold on’ to something as some kind of ‘pay for the sins’ – not recommended at all, folks.

I started focusing on what I wanted to create and do this year. I started working on developing a workshop related to developing self-introspection and self-creation through the creation of art. Here my friend and terrific Life Coach Joe Kou assisted me personally with grounding these plans and projects, along with my workshop partner to ground and refine this project we had and getting to define what we wanted to actually give to do and provide to others. I was quite excited about the whole process and I’m still grateful for everything that I got to learn and – most importantly – get to define for myself in terms of ‘who I am’ in my ever ‘doubtful’ type of relationship with art. The project may be on hold, but I’m quite certain that all of these talks with Joe also assisted me to tap more into my personal potential and getting back in touch with my creative capacity again, lol, perhaps the creative capacity emerged just in a ‘slightly’ different way, lol.

I consider that all of these initiatives to support myself and the changes that I embarked myself on at an internal and external level – like setting myself into a point of self-creation and ‘breathing life’ into myself again, gaining a new perspective on life – contributed to ‘opening the gates’ to something else that I had not necessarily planned or expected, lol. Interestingly enough all the alternative support I had was also focused on getting my reproductive organs and general hormonal system balanced out. I also did some changes in my diet, but I still had some deficiencies like feeling sometimes very weak and so on. Interestingly enough, I actually didn’t want my ‘next period’ to come, because of the last massive blood loss I have had, and what would I know? That such period never came… Lol! Well my body is wise after all.

So back to the point of finding out ‘the news’ and how this time around I felt very different to go and get that pregnancy test, I was actually fearful, I even got a bit pissed on the way back from the pharmacy which is a pattern I ‘thought’ I had already ‘nipped in the bud’. I recognize that I was simply quite fearful. Well, I came home, did the test and hoped that the faint line that appeared was simply a mistake, that it wouldn’t mean a POSITIVE result. See, I actually thought I was having some delays because my body had been quite wonky in the past weeks prior to my ‘period date,’ or I thought that all the homeopathy and acupuncture sessions would be destabilizing my period a bit, but it wasn’t like that. I asked Leila about it and well yep, she let me know that even if the line is faint… it is a YES. Lol, I had not read the pregnancy test instructions properly either it seems, since I later on read that was a common thing to happen even if it was ‘very faint.’

I called my partner right after I found out. I was quite shocked and didn’t know what to do, it’s almost as if I just wanted to ‘go back in time’ and avoid it all. We decided to talk it out at night when he came home. And his response – as always – is that of taking absolute responsibility and supporting me in whichever I decided. Yep, this was tougher in a way because he said he would be ok with whatever I decided – to have the baby or not – because of me being the one that would actually go through the whole physical process of birthing the baby, and yes understanding the role of the mother in it all. He stood firm in his disposition for whatever I decided, because he simply wanted me to be ok with it.

But, as he explained this, I saw that I just didn’t have it in me to say ‘no’ to this – and his calm and assertiveness to receive the news definitely gave me an example of how one doesn’t have to ‘freak out’ as one may expect.  This is where the notion suddenly hit me: a new LIFE is taking place now in your body as we speak and this is not a matter of chance. This is a result of me also having a relationship with my partner and acknowledging that, ultimately, there’s always that chance of getting pregnant even if there’s protection involved. And at the same time, I knew that it was only what I in the moment called ‘the worst of me’ that would say ‘no’ to it, which were a bunch of fears, self-definitions, comparisons, self-doubt and general uncertainty that would prevent me from saying ‘YES, let’s do it’. In other words, I knew that only ‘the worst’ part of me – or the weakest one – would say ‘No,’ because everything else can be worked out, like in terms of finances which was one of my biggest ‘fears’ around the idea of having a baby, but that has also changed as time has progressed and we’ve both opened up this point and I am very much learning from what I could say is more like my ‘partner’s process’ which has everything to do with entrepreneurship and financial education – which actually also touches on very similar principles that I’ve walked on for these past 11 years.  Money hasn’t been my ‘forte’ but I am learning a lot from how my partner currently approaches it, therefore I am learning to not only see fears and lack in my relationship with money, but rather learning HOW we can make things work and genuinely decide what is of real value, which we both agree on is not a ‘ton of material things’ in that sense, but rather seeing the actual wealth there is in the education that we can provide for the child as well.

Before this moment condensed into a reality, I actually have had a dream on April 16th where I would realize I was pregnant, and it felt extremely real, or dare I say ‘frightfully real.’ I would think something like ‘Oh oh! I’m pregnant, this is actually happening’ and I would kind of move to making a decision about it and I would think to myself: ‘Well, I guess it’s time to grow up now’ And my presence and nature would be that of embracing it, of actually accepting it and being ok with it. Only afterwards did some financial fears emerged about ‘how I would go on about it’, which I guess is one of the most common fears that emerge whenever you start planning to have a child or are already pregnant. I woke up from that dream and said  to my partner ‘I had a nightmare! And proceeded to share what the dream was about, Lol! But I let it go and didn’t make much of it.

So once that we were discussing about the pregnancy that night of the day we found out, I remembered that dream and how I had afterwards assessed that it had been ‘the best part of me’ that had stood up in the dream to be ok with it, accept it and embrace this maturity or new phase and ‘letting go of the childish me’ so to speak, which I know is also quite the problem in my generation, which involves not really wanting to take responsibility for ourselves, and ‘worse off’ not for any other either.  I also knew that in a way I was holding on to this belief that I had always said to everyone when asked about wanting or having kids and always saying ‘No, no, no… Me? No! that’s not for me, I won’t have kids. That’s the most important decision in life and the most important job in the world, and I respect parents a lot, they are really brave, hat’s off, but that’s just… not for me.’ But deeply inside knowing this was in fact cowardice and so in a way I realized that the time had come for me to face one of those ‘greatest fears,’ which I opened up about – to a certain extent – to my partner.

There was a sense of responsibility as well but also of understanding how I just was very scared of assuming now my decision and responsibility. I can definitely say that such discussion was assuring for me from the perspective that he assisted me to dispel some of the most immediate fears around money, about ‘not being capable’ of doing this and rather seeing the possibilities and how this kind of challenges would actually support us to grow more and to give ourselves another purpose to our lives together and in our personal development. I realized later on that, as he said, this was our chance to actually create some change in the world, which it certainly is. I’m glad as well how this is something I came to understand some years ago where I went from seeing kids as ‘a burden to the planet’ to more like the opportunity actually change the current state of affairs in humanity over the generations, and what a better way and opportunity to do so than with being able to raise a child.

At that moment I decided to say ‘Yes, let’s do it’ but it wasn’t a FULL decision made with the wholeness of my being. I still had the fears, the uncertainties, the fear of losing the baby in those first 3 months of gestation, the fear of going through problems that would not enable the proper development of the child, fearing that my body wasn’t ‘fit for it’ yet, etc. These fears plagued my head for weeks – and yes I accepted and allowed it. I knew that I had said YES and went on with it, but a part of me was simply fearing that ‘it would not happen,’ that my body was not ‘at its best’ to be carrying a baby. I also feared letting go of the plans I had recently created, I feared letting go of the ‘ME’ that I’ve known and the idea of just having to ‘do what I please’. Yep in essence, I did go through a mourning process in a way of having ‘my plans’ changed and then at the same time not having anything certain yet – nothing is, still – but in my mind at least it is now ‘safer’ to say that I am pregnant because of the amount of time that has transpired and because I’ve seen the baby developing really well in the womb J Who knows, yes anything can happen, but then I also walked another point that I will describe later on in terms of not being defined by the outcome, but walking a decision regardless of it.

So for me in general, finding out that I was pregnant, that WE are going to be parents and bring a human being into this world wasn’t immediately met with enthusiasm, happiness,  joy and jubilee – as I had perceived ‘I should have done’ but why? Because of my fears, mostly of the pregnancy actually ‘not sticking,’ of my body not being ‘fit’ enough to develop another life within me, not having ‘what it takes’ to bring a child into this world. These were mostly the fears that became an incessant type of doubt and uncertainty throughout most of the first weeks. And the fears then sparked up more and with some pains I had that demanded me to be ‘taking it easy’ most of the time and minimize my activity – like barely going out for 3 months – and then on top of that the nausea started kicking in… I just felt like in a limbo. That’s all I could say to my partner for some weeks ‘I feel like in a limbo’ of not being able to truly say ‘this is certain, we are having a baby’ or not, and yes there is that ‘weight’ over me to in a way ‘make it happen,’ but fortunately enough my partner was always supportive and considerate and not really concerned if it couldn’t get to form and ‘happen’ as expected. But he also taught me to stop expecting ‘the worst’ all the time, which I am still learning and frankly once again getting to step out of, since it’s almost as if my old-age pessimism kicked back in.

The nausea so far has been the worst of the pregnancy process up to now, I mean I don’t want to discourage anyone with saying this, but I do want to be as realistic as possible because this is my experience and I really felt like a zombie, like constantly ill for weeks on.  I also felt ‘odd’ for not being so ‘happy’ about the news at first  – even though when sharing the news to those closest to me, it felt like there was a sense of joy in it, but that I couldn’t just for now ‘take it for granted,’ so I would just go back to the limbo-phase of smiling but deep inside me, not really being certain of what I was ‘getting myself into’ nor if it would physically ‘work out, or that I had ‘what it takes’ to pull it off.  

I must say that abortion (miscarriage) had not been in my mindset or radar before, this I mostly got as a ‘real scare’ because of knowing of a situation from someone I know that went through it and that kind of placed it in my awareness and, yes, what can I say? I moved the least I could because, it would hurt and be painful to just go walking to the store close-by. I felt like crippled because of not having my ‘me time’ every day to just go out and about with my long walks and generally longed for ‘feeling fine’, but I also realized this was part of a process and decision I had agreed to go through and that I had to actually care about another’s life developing within me, one that me and my partner had planted as a little seed. And because yes a 20 minute walk ‘at my usual pace’ had detonated a pain that actually got me in pain and therefore in crying and fearing that I would be placing this baby’s life at risk, I decided to keep myself resting and that was definitely a tough time where even writing became very repetitive and somber with describing only the worst of the experiences, and found it difficult to see any ‘light at the end of the tunnel.’ I knew that this was taking a toll on me, so I reached out for support again.

Once again, it was through Leila’s support with her Life Alignment session that assisted me to actually open up this ‘limbo-mindset’ and get to face it, even though I had seen the fears moving in my mind and me demonstrating it and acting them out in what became, I would say,’ the pessimist me’ that was ‘waiting’ just for the time to pass so that I could have ‘some certainty’ of actually being pregnant, actually having a baby or not. More like desiring to have some ‘control’ over the idea of being pregnant or not.  Through the session I was able to face and open up the fears about ‘it not really happening’ and I actually allowed myself to realize I was in fact fearing not having the baby, and that I was at the same time in a way mourning or letting go of ‘the old me,’ and I got to see the ‘big’ point that I’ve seen comes up in my life when having to take care of another being: selfishness. And that whole idea of ‘me, my time, my life, only doing what I want and what I like’ and having that self-definition printed on me like my creed, a very limiting one to be honest. I actually cried out when realizing through the session how I was in fact preventing me from embracing, being happy and joyful about the pregnancy because of not wanting to create ‘a bond’ with someone that I could ‘lose’ or see not ‘happening’ if something went awry.

I’ve also taken this as if Life was also throwing this ball at me kind of like saying ‘So you speak of supporting life, and life in equality, and wanting the best for all eh? But you don’t want to actually have a child and see what it takes to actually care for another life as yourself?’ Well, this is my characterization of it lol, but I saw my own principles and words ‘staring back at me’ and this also led me to see that it was – again – only the worst of me that could be fearing stepping into a new phase in my life. Leila assisted me to realize there was a mourning process of letting go as well of ‘the me and my life that I’ve known up to now’ but most importantly, I was able to admit to myself that I actually wanted to have the child, I just feared not having it and having to go through the loss and the pain that goes with it.

In a way, I was creating a detachment  as a defense-mechanism to the whole idea of being pregnant because then my logic was ‘If it doesn’t ‘stick then I would not feel ‘attached’ or already ‘hyped’ with the idea and having let everyone know about the news.’ It became something like a ‘safe spot’ to be at, to not be so defined by the idea of having a child, because I still ‘could not be certain.’ Well, it then became obvious how then how my decision to say ‘Yes, let’s do it’ contained this whole point of uncertainty and fears in the background – and selfishness as well, making it about ‘how I feel’ instead of actually rooting and being up for giving it my all and being my best at it for something that I am deciding to do along with my partner.  So this also took some time for me to assimilate and actually open up to the new and actual change in life.

What opened up in that session also enabled me to discuss these points with my partner, and he was able to understand what I meant when I would say ‘I still can’t believe we are going to have a child’ – which he would understand as some kind of pleasant surprise statement, but to me it was a real ‘I can’t still be certain of it’, I still can’t ‘wrap my head around it,’ and also because of the early stages of it. So that was yet another very supportive talk we had, where we got to open up one of my most ‘ingrained’ traits, which is yes, pessimism and almost expecting the worst of all things to happen at any moment. So I got to open up about these and other fears, which is also where I got to see how my own mindset was generating this sense of uncertainty and fear, and how I wasn’t allowing myself to fully LIVE the decision of having a baby and instead, being almost like ‘leaving it at the hands of life to decide what would be or not be.’ And here it’s very relevant to make a distinction as well because sure, it could have or could still happen that it doesn’t work out, and that then would be something for me to get to understand, learn from, embrace and move on with. But I no longer fear having to go through it as I did at the beginning.

The main point here is how I was creating this whole fear and uncertainty because of not realizing that I could decide to be OK with either/or scenario as well. I was defining myself already by the idea that ‘losing the baby’ would be a bad, negative, painful process and that would ‘define me’ somehow – so that’s how I then would ‘prevent’ going through all such ‘negative things’ by remaining in that limbo = not being truly standing in and as my decision to have the child, because then logic said “If ‘something happens’ = It would not be something that I was already ‘attached’ to, or future projecting about.” Well, this was quite revealing to me in how I was in fact standing only in fears and prejudices. I had to stop. My partner was awesome in discussing this with me, he is in fact the most supportive partner I’ve ever had and has been an exemplar pillar of support for me since day one, and he was able to assist me to face these points and to realize that I didn’t have to be defined by either outcome, that either way: Life goes on and we will be fine at the end of it all.

An interesting thing though to realize is that at that stage and having walked our first months with the pregnancy together, I realized that based on how enthusiastic he was, how he pushed himself to from the get-go get himself ‘moving’ to do things he needs to do to have sufficient time and financial support for when the baby arrives, and how every single day he would wake up with a smile in his face and saying ‘we’re going to have a baby!’ that even if this didn’t ‘happen,’ I would still go through the whole thing again to try it again. Lol! I can’t believe my words, but it is so. Based on the values that we share, the ‘who we are’ that we can share with a new being definitely becomes an attractive idea that overrides everything else that I also feared like the actual pregnancy and birthing process, the incessant crying, the growing pains, the discomforts when they are little babies etc.… that goes to a secondary stage when placing ‘what we both have to offer’ to a child, not to mention that he loves children and is quite a natural with them, treating them the same way as I do, not from an ‘I’m an adult and you are a child’ type of starting point, but one of equals and talking to them as the fully formed beings they are. And so that does fill my heart with joy in a way, to work together now on someone else based on seeing how well we get along and how supportive and loving we are to each other, as in really assisting ourselves to be the best that we can as individuals.

What has emerged within me therefore is an actual gratefulness of this opportunity to bring a child into this world and I basically turned my stance around from indecision, fears, what ifs, future worst-case scenario creations to rather being able to trust myself in this, to know that we can together handle this because we got the foundation that’s most important – from my perspective – a solid, supportive and loving relationship where we each have demonstrated each other to support ourselves to live the best that we can be, and that we haven’t ever ‘pushed us down’ to become the worst of us, but quite the contrary, and this has been a daily living thing, which has shown tremendous results in both of our lives.  

I am not fearful or ashamed to say that this time around, I wasn’t the ‘strong one’ with this whole new path and decision in my life, I wasn’t the one that would ‘help the other’- as I was used to – to come to terms with something. I was definitely the one that was supported by my partner who stood solid and quite optimistic about the whole thing. It was definitely another point of ego for me to let go of, because I had always believed that in my relationships, I’d always be the one to ‘help the other out,’ and I am actually glad and grateful to be with someone by your side that is there to support you when one is crumbling in fears and in a general low. So, it is also safe for me to say that as much as the decision was placed ‘on my plate,’ I knew that this decision would not only impact me of course, that this was part of my partner’s life process and a point that was opening up for both of us in the path we decided to walk together J And I couldn’t be happier about it now that I’ve come to assimilate it, embrace it and root for it as the days go by. 

But, who knows if I haven’t had a supportive partner or someone that was as pessimist as I was, or as fearful or only focusing on ‘financial problems’ or seeing it as a ‘load’ or doubting themselves in not being able to ‘pull it off.’ I guess that things would have been a bit different, but this is also a general point to become aware of when being in a relationship and not having a super secure method to avoid pregnancy – if not desiring to have any children –  to be aware of the possibilities of getting pregnant and making sure that one is in a supportive relationship, that one can actually step into that possibility of having a child together and know exactly where each other stands in it. Otherwise, this is also a problem in humanity where people just ‘get together’ because they ‘like each other’ or have some ‘fun together,’ but have no idea of where each one stands in the ‘hypothetical’ yet very possible scenario of having children which it surely is a life changing situation.

In my case, that is something I considered, I observed and assessed and ‘tested the waters’ on with my partner to know where he stood in such potential situation. It would have been quite different if ending up pregnant with someone that perhaps really dislikes children or wants to just have a partnership relationship forever. So even if this wasn’t planned, I sure knew where my partner stood about it and now I embrace that unconditional support that he has become for me in my life and receive it in gratefulness, instead of perhaps going into regret for not having stood up and being ‘my best’ from the get go – this is part of the things I probably had to learn and experience firsthand to then be able to root or ground myself in this life changing decision.

There are so many other things that have opened up in relation to walking now into a bit of a more ‘certain’ phase of the pregnancy, like looking at how it will change our lives, the ‘letting go’ of ‘me/my-time’ for some years, but at the same time actually being glad about it because it is in fact an opportunity to test myself in a whole new terrain, to learn more about myself, to learn to work in a team with my partner, to learn to live that unconditional love and care towards another being, and be that which I would want every newborn child in this world to have: a supportive environment, a supportive family, a pair of individuals that are preparing themselves to do the best they can to bring up a life in this world that can continue our individual paths to become better human beings in all that we do. It is fascinating how to me this is what excites me the most and knowing that this is a child that will contain both of our lives and paths to in a way, re-birth ourselves into the best, to assist in the process of possibly getting to correct the things that we both know is the worst of us and to be able to in essence create – perhaps – a better version of ourselves and of our parents in this forthcoming phase of our lives.

So in essence, now that the nausea has subsided, now that I’ve seen how the baby is doing, there’s more of a sense of certainty around it. And even with the process of planning, placing ourselves in the position of ‘preparing’ to the next year when baby arrives, is opening up so many cool discussions between us where I get to be more and more certain and actually quite happy and grateful to be carrying a life that contains my partner’s life as well, because he is quite an extraordinary human being that has demonstrated, in a rather short period of time, to be able to turn his life around in ways that few people I know have been able to. That assists me in my own trust and confidence to walk into this new phase in life.

It’s also very relevant for women to have that kind of support in a partner considering that I have seen how there are emotional upheavals, there are changes one goes through in the body and that having a partner that doesn’t react to my ‘emotional upheavals’– but understands it’s part of the process –  that gives comforting words and caresses, that doesn’t judge my body as it goes through its changes, that helps me to see that the discomforts and so on is part of the process for something better to come is something that I am truly grateful and learning from, and absolutely relevant and a great example as well for me to see how it is possible to face even the ‘difficult parts’ with a better sight on things to come. So if you are a male reading this, it’s best to also do your part on getting to understand what women go through in pregnancy, which is what my partner has done in his spare time, even to the point where he has now gotten to explain certain things to me, because he’s made the decision to be there all the way to support me and wants to be, what he calls, a ‘second mother’ lol, and not be the typical father role that is portrayed in pregnancy books-  or at least the older ones that I got from my sisters J

So to me, as important as it is to be taking physical care of myself, having proper nutrition – after a few of the rather not so supportive ‘cravings’ I gave into in the first weeks – gaining more confidence in going for walks, stepping out of general fears and doubts of ‘being able to do this,’ and more like embracing the being that is growing in me it is also important to have that equal stance from the other in the relationship. So as with anything, I guess for anyone reading this my suggestion is to yes prepare the body and one’s mind as much, but to also fully, fully disclose and talk things out with your partner first and know ‘where he stands’ in it all, because it does require great courage to embrace this in the best way possible. Sure we all got our points to walk, but that’s where having that support in one another comes in to face such experiences. Well, I say this, but I bet my partner would simply say that any challenge in life is an opportunity to motivate himself more, a challenge that makes him just push himself and see the benefits that it creates, which become a well-rounded purpose in life and that to me is quite an example I am learning from and grateful to be walking along this new path with.

To me this whole process has taught me how I don’t have to play strong all the time, or still fall into the belief that ‘I am the one that should save or assist others,’ but rather recognize my own weaknesses and be ok with receiving support from those that are around me and to ask for specific support when needed, otherwise, who knows where I would have been without the support I got from my partner, my immediate family, Leila, Joe and the people that directly worked on myself and my body with the alternative therapies, which I am also grateful for having the opportunity to have.

I realized it is also OK to not be initially happy, ecstatic, joyful and jumping up and down about the idea of being pregnant. I understand that I don’t have to compare myself to how other women – specifically – have faced their pregnancy or motherhood process, and I kind of knew that I set myself up to this kind of uncertainty and fears because of me having fed the fears of ‘having a baby’ or ‘becoming a parent’ for most of my life, it was ‘THE’ most feared point in my existence, and I held it as a very ingrained belief. So this is another learning point to become aware of what we say ‘never to’ and realize that Life may have a different plan for us and that we may actually end up facing such things we ‘fear the most’ and that it is actually not something to fear, but to rather take on as a challenge, an opportunity for growth, for change and to embrace the opportunities and paths that it will entail.  And that it is ok to not be all smiles about it, but take it as a very physical process of growth and development that it is and eventually as the very real responsibility and opportunity to challenge myself that it will represent with all that entails to be a parent, and be definitely fully UP for it – or at least knowing that I can trust myself to work on the bits I may go facing and being uncertain of, or the mistakes I may make. It’s all part of life.

I wake up every day aware of being pregnant and that is quite something to see growing in my body, but more so enjoying as well how this has opened up so many potentials in our lives in how we can best support a new child coming into this world, how to best prepare us, how to be also OK with making mistakes and facing the unexpected too, to not try and have everything ‘under control’ or attempt to ‘know as much as I can’ either. I am also allowing myself to simply take it easy with it, focusing on our physical wellbeing and continuing building the bond with my partner through it with the expectation of a third person coming into our home J He says we will be having so much fun, and I’m so glad he sees it that way because it is contagious how he can talk about what I would’ve defined as ‘tough things to go through ahead’ and he’d see it as something funny to go through, something challenging that can push one to the limits of seeing how much one can stand through. Lol, anyways it has assisted me a lot to have a different outlook on the idea of becoming a mother, becoming parents and yes, why not, also leaving that ‘selfish-me’ phase behind, which sure might be challenging, but hey, this is what Life has now placed on my plate, so that means I’m ready, I can take it, let’s do it J

Thanks for reading if you got up to here! I’m open to any feedback, questions or comments – or any topic that may require going into some depth.

For Spanish speakers, I’ve been sharing my weekly process within the pregnancy and reflecting back on how things apply to anyone else in their lives in my Encausarte Podcast from Episode #23 on.

Recommended series! Parenting on Eqafe.com

 

Life Emerges

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty


632.#EqafeDiscovery:Do We Fear Living?

 

During the process of translating Eqafe material to Spanish, I come to rediscover stuff that perhaps I didn’t ‘hear’ the same way that I do now. This is also how even if I have listened to most of the material in there, I keep revisiting it every day and now I get to hear many different things that I didn’t grasp back when they were first published. At times I have also seen how I can be discriminatory in relation to some of the recordings based on the title, believing that ‘it has nothing to do with me’ or that ‘I can’t relate to it’ or that ‘it’s just not of my interest’, but over the years I’ve proven this immediate-mind-response to be just part of the many limitations and distractions that may still come up within me that at times prevent me from expanding myself. So what do I do? If some of these words come up in me? I go for it, I click and listen to it J hehe

When it comes to recordings in Eqafe, a guideline that I suggest for everyone is to listen to all of the stuff there even if it ‘seemingly’ doesn’t relate to you. For example, I could say ‘well I am not a parent therefore, I don’t have to listen to the parenting series’ or if I was single then saying ‘well I don’t have to listen to the relationships series, for I am single’ – but! We truly miss out on very supportive stuff if we go through life only choosing to hear that which we ‘feel resonates more with us’, because I’ve seen how this is mostly resonating yes, to the most prominent personalities I am living out at a certain point in my life. So, that’s why upon listening to it with an open mind and an open heart to see ‘what can I learn from it?’ No matter what the title, topic or series it is coming from, I can guarantee you that if you are really willing to listen, learn and apply something in your life that you get from those recordings, you will surely benefit from it in your life in many noticeable ways.

So one of those interviews that at first I dismissed because of having a ‘blah, I already know that fear of death is the ultimate fear and so what?’ type of thought, was one Life Review called ‘Fear of Death’ – so that’s why I decided to click on it and translate it.  Upon listening to this short yet substantial message from this lady here, I realized how I had been considering this ‘fear of living’ when it comes to a process of healing and so changing in relation to something that I had defined as being ‘my problem’ that is currently ‘holding me back’ in life. I had suddenly gotten to a ‘bottle neck’ in my inner experience where I needed to process things that I was merely shoving aside and not really working – processing them as we say. It’s been worth it as I’ve been sharing in my past blogs, but the obvious point emerged of how once that the main problem ‘in the head’ is being sorted, solved, ‘healed’ if you will and then changes emerge, there’s now the next step of self-creation to take.

I’ve also been reading a book about healing that a friend of mine recommended and I realized how much we tend to get ‘stuck’ in our minds about all the things that are seemingly ‘not working out’ and we focus on all the flaws, and all the fears and I’ve seen for myself how easy it is to build your stance and experience in life around all that garbage that we allow ourselves to think and believe ‘it’s all that we are,’ which then becomes the way that we see our life, the world, others in our lives and…. it’s no wonder at all how we’ve come to create the current reality we are living in, if we have allowed ourselves to play out the worst of us and let that rule our lives every-single-day and every-single-moment of our waking life – and hell at times we even torture ourselves in our dreams, yep.

The process that I have been walking with Desteni, the process I am learning to integrate day by day of becoming more directive within me and my mind, and now more in contact with my body is aided by the material that I get from Eqafe.com, and I also assure you that it might sound like stuff we somehow ‘already knew’ at the depth of our being, but we have somehow forgotten or gotten lost in translation as they say, taken over by the busy-ness of our lives and distractions to the point where we have forgotten that we have IT all, we have and we are all that we need to take those steps to get out of whatever ‘mental hole’ we might find ourselves in.

Sure, at times it might be difficult to go through certain situations or phases in life, all I can say is: reach out, communicate, speak it out loud with someone because I know how ‘blinded’ one can become if one remains in isolation and/or in fear of opening up with someone what one is going through. To me this is an essential aspect and also why Eqafe.com as part of the Desteni group, is not an isolated type of ‘source’ that you just go and listen and that’s it. It involves self-work, it involves practical application and a sharing, a referencing back of how one is supporting oneself to actually change based on the support that we get through the audios/interviews/recordings. For that, there’s the awesome community Destonians.com where you can also join in weekly chats to share, open up whatever you are working with and walking through in your life. A one of a kind community we are for sure.

Back to the topic! When listening to the audio/video called ‘Fear of Death’ I considered that it could be renamed to ‘Fear of Living’ but! of course, at least in my case I could have perhaps ‘jumped the gun’ and say ‘blah! I don’t’ fear living’ but…. The reality is quite different as you actually walk through certain points, like actually getting to overcome certain ‘obstacles’ or ‘difficulties’ or transcend major problems or addictions in life and then what opens up is: the many possibilities in which we can direct our lives, and so the actual possibility to choose, test out and walk through any of the options and dare to actually live, dare to learn to live in a different and new way and continue learning to live because I very much see that this is what I am here for.

So, as much as it might sound ‘off’ that one can ‘fear living,’ this audio will perhaps assist you in realizing WHY that very fear might be existing in you right now and HOW it plays out in seemingly ‘not so important’ moments in our day to day living. It is those small moments where I’ve seen that I can substantiate my life the most, in all those ‘little moments’ that I believed ‘didn’t matter’ because I wasn’t ‘producing’ something or I wasn’t necessarily creating an ‘impact’ on someone else… yet, I see that those moments that I am dedicating to live the best of me, to express me and so focusing on looking at what are the directions, talents, skills and abilities that I would like to now give direction to, there’s like a new opening to life and living that in fact has always been there, I had just sort of used the excuse of a mental-mindfuck (sorry for the language, but that’s what it is) to create a justification of why I had to kind of ‘place my life on hold’ and focus too much on ‘sorting issues out’ and place my self-creation on pause. Now, I don’t judge this as a waste of time or as something bad either, I now see it as part of the things that I had to confront and understand about myself and how I in fact create my experience and my life.

It is now up to me to take the steps to actually stop living in the habit that I gave my energy and breaths to that took me down to a bit of a rabbit hole in my personal experience, to learn from it, to see what I have to self-forgive and so to decide my next steps. Even though I see this direction, it is so that in our minds, the tendency of the ‘old habits’ to live in fear essentially will still come up. I know it is possible to live without the constant ‘fear’ and believe me, I THOUGHT that I was a fearless person…… yep! Well, it’s cool to get humble and realize ‘Nope! I definitely see I was many times acting out of fear!’ so that’s how I’m also glad I got to hear this through the audio so that I can become aware of the ‘little habits’ that have taken me to that inner experience, which sure may come and go, but now I can identify it better, give it a name and so decide in that moment what I decide to live.

So to me this is one simple, simple example of how listening to an Eqafe recording can confirm an entire process that I’ve been walking and how it can assist one even further to ‘take the next steps’ we might be missing out on or not giving the proper attention, relevance and importance they require, which are in fact the building blocks of our self-creation, the actuality of LIVING the best of ourselves, the actuality of BEING the best of ourselves – yes, acknowledging the downfalls, the ‘off’ moments, but somehow this audio assists with realizing what those OFF moments really are and so, be able to grasp it, identify them and so be able to DO something about it.

I’m more than glad I have this awesome source of support, every time I see scientists, psychologists, sociologists or any other person that still have some certain ‘big questions’ such as how was the universe created? what is consciousness in fact? How do animals think or communicate? How do our bodies relate to our minds? Is there life after death? Etc. I kind of go back to my senses in realizing that Eqafe is not yet broadly known in humanity, yet the information is here. So, I can’t even consider where I would be if I wasn’t aware of all of these things already to get the ‘curiosity’ out of my bag around those topics and focus on things that are right ‘here’ for me to work with.

All I can say is be part of this opportunity and take that step forward not only in getting educated about all-things-life and living, but also dare to take the steps to Live and Apply all the practical support that one can gather from every recording, to be the example of what it means to break free from the ‘programming,’ and! With that, assist not only yourself, but the rest of who we are as life to give a continued expansion to this process of self-awareness, to actually be, become and birth life from the physical.

Ok! I leave this one for you then to ponder about J Sign up for the Eqafe Unlimited  Plan which is an incredible offer to have access to this audio I mentioned and more than 4,000 other titles that you can benefit from learning in virtually every aspect of what it means to be a living being in this existence. So, don’t’ wait any longer! Be part of the real evolution that is very much needed in our world.

 

Thanks for reading

 

breathing being

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty


630. #EqafeDiscovery: The All Encompassing Word

And the cookie-dough theory

The way I wanted to start writing this blog out was with a form of disclaimer about how this writing might sound a bit too ‘out there’ and how it may be a bit too ‘conceptual’ in nature, as a way to control the way that I believe it will go, to have a ‘handle’ of it. Well, I was in essence going to play out what I am about to share here.

I was listening to a podcast and the guest in it shared how he tends to be quite intense with things, he talks in a passionate manner about what he’s been through in life and how he takes on his life sounds the same way. But, that means he also takes things quite ‘to the heart’ as in very personal or creates heavy emotions or feelings about just anything. I can relate to being the kind of ‘intense’ person in essence as well, but the interviewer explained how also using judgment like that can be a way to control things, to have a ‘grasp’ on something, to kind of dominate it or believe we ‘know exactly what we are and what we are not’ and ‘what we are dealing with’ as a form of control. This got stuck in my mind and I said to myself ‘I have to write about that topic.’

This is an essential aspect of language itself. I keep going back to the cookie-dough theory that I created when I was studying linguistics. It’s about conceiving the realm of all things that exist as a one-single-whole, it’s life itself as I understand it and that is basically the broadest word I know that can define everything that is and exists, everything that is ‘here’. Some others may call it god or nature or ‘the whole’ or even ‘higher forces’– so for practical purposes let’s consider the analogy of life being this ‘wholeness’ as cookie dough. Then there was the emergence of ourselves as beings –even before we were humans – and our first expression came out of a desire to be more, to create some kind of ‘exciting experience’ that led this one part of the whole to separate from the rest of the whole. There, ‘the whole’ became ‘two’ and what happened with these two is that they saw themselves as different entities. They could not recognize that what they were seeing was themselves as well, because they could not see themselves…. They believed they were ‘different’ and so judged themselves as that. Bam! That’s the first moment of separation and what emerged from there was the definition of ‘who the other one is’ – a judgment which, for this case, can be basically any word used to ‘define’ what the other one is or isn’t.

Part of this cookie-dough analogy entails also considering that we as the beings and expressions that ‘came out of’ the cookie dough in itself, created these cookie-cutters as words, expressions that could encompass, hold or contain a part of that cookie dough that became a meaning in itself, an ‘identifiable’ expression, a thing, an action, a part of this ‘wholeness’ in order to be able to grasp it, to name it, to comprehend it, to communicate and so to live or do those words that we defined and created. Matter as life itself as the ‘cookie dough’ got cut in multiple ways that we defined through our minds, through the cookie-cutters that we forged or shaped ourselves.

To me this has been the way to realize how words became double-edged swords. They became both the tools and at the same time the ‘weapons,’ they could be used for virtually any purpose that we would define and decide them to be. That’s how as it is said ‘words are innocent’ and it is us that have defined how they are lived.

The world we are living reveals the nature of who we became as the forgers of these cookie-cutters, the way that we defined life expressions beginning with how we formed opinions and judgments as the way that we relate to each other from the primordial times of the emergence of life as we know it. We started defining, naming, judging and with that entirely consecrating the division of ‘who we are’ as seemingly completely separate individuals that ‘in no way’ could ‘ever’ be in fact one and equal…. Because we created an experience of disliking ‘the other,’ we judged ‘the other’ as inferior, as not good enough, as bad, as ‘the worst’ – or we went to the opposite realm of ‘desiring what the other had’ – at least as we believed it to be. In any case, words have been used to solidify our separation, both towards others but also within ourselves.

To me this has been an essential realization to understand the importance of being very specific in how I word myself, and how this ‘Me’ that I conceptualize as my story, as who I am and how I relate to others is in fact one expression of the whole that I have separated myself from. It’s essential for me to remind myself how we’ve gotten ‘very lost’ forgetting that we are in fact all equal and one, we are made of the same life, we are just existing in a multiplicity of forms and ways to the point that we’ve forgotten where we come from.

It of course now seems a bit naïve for me to even look at the possibility of us being able to realize this ‘today’ and live in fact ‘together as one’ as some songs have dreamed of. It is worth considering this, but I am quite realistic about the situation we are living in at the moment in our world and what I see is the prominent polarization, extremism and confrontation of all of the innumerable ways we have separated ourselves from through these very judgments, opinions and definitions that ‘separate us’ or ‘identify us’ in separation from others.

We are seeing the inevitable conflicts, confrontations, wars and constant tension and fighting that is being created now as we face all of those judgments, ideas, beliefs, perceptions we have held towards one another throughout the entirety of our existence. In essence it is a relevant thing for me to remind myself that we may have different shapes and colors on top, but we are essentially all made of the same dough, of the same life, we have just separated ourselves from each other in all these various forms to the point where we’ve forgotten that we are in fact ‘one and equal.’

Why do I find it useful to remind myself of this in times like today? I keep track of the global events mostly at a political and social level – and what’s currently visible is how the differences that we can see ‘on the surface’ are more prevalent than ever today and causing a serial form of ‘outrage’ in everyone without a second thought to even consider what I just explained above. It baffles me how bad things can get when people get defined with their cookie-cutter shape and forget the essence of who we all are as life, as humans in this case. I realize how we have wrongly ‘empowered’ ourselves through words, not using them to flourish and give birth to life – as we practice with Living Words – but how we have used them to do the opposite, to destroy life in all forms and ways. This is our current truth, and we can change it, but takes self-work to do that.

Sure some might consider that we’ve been always on war, always killing each other, always separating ourselves according to races, political ideologies, genders, sexual and any other form of preferences, religions, etc. However! Not many are aware of or could conceive that all of those identity labels are opinions, are judgments and they will eventually have to be realized as such to stop this seemingly endless charade. Sure, it might not take a few generations only, but it needs to start right here, right now because the process is in motion and it’s here to stay, no matter how long it takes.

Process is precisely that decision that life itself has taken in its utmost expression to no longer accept and allow separation, to bring through the expression of life itself in a way that is self-supportive no longer bound to ways, systems and forms that are meant to control – in the negative connotation of the word – life. Control is not something bad in itself though, as a word it is useful, for example we have to have control of our bodies to function properly. I see it more as a direction that we take on, but currently, we are just playing out the ‘play’ of separation, of deception, of conflict, of essentially perceiving ‘the others’ as separate from ourselves. That is a form of control that is perpetuated through judgment. And it is not only ‘externalized’ towards others, but it exists within ourselves, and it’s been there from the very moment of our primordial separation… that’s how far ‘mind control’ goes in fact.  

We have allowed ourselves to make it normal to judge ourselves by our character – the ways and personalities we have or don’t’ have – and our bodies, in terms of the shapes, forms, colors it may have and we make of it a ‘big deal’ to concern us about that, in terms of how we believe ‘others will see us’ and how they will judge us.

word

n   noun: a single distinct meaningful element of speech or writing, used to form sentences with others.

 

judgement (also judgment)

n   noun: the ability to make considered decisions or form sensible opinions. Øan opinion or conclusion.

 

 

 

 

Emitting a judgment is then not a ‘bad’ thing per se, but it is so that currently based on our – for the most part – lack of proper education or lack of awareness on these basic principles of how we are in fact one and equal, we have come to disregard the life that we are in all its forms and how we relate to everything-else-that-is-ourselves-too in ways that are for the most part degrading, inferiorizing, deprecating, and the list goes on. In essence, we haven’t learned or weren’t taught How to LIVE words that are supportive, that nurture one’s life, that consider the life of others-that-are-me-as-well in the same way, because… we just conveniently ‘forgot’ who we really are as one and equal, as a whole that is an expression of Life itself. It is seemingly ‘easier’ to fight wars than work on an inner-process to create self-responsibility and honor the life that we are equal-to-each-other.

I know this is nothing new, it’s been written in many sacred books in various ways and in different philosophies throughout time, but strangely so, it has remained as some kind of ‘unified theory’ and holistic view of life that appears to be ‘way out there’ and has not been made practical, feasible and realistically doable – dare I say until now. This has created a seemingly ‘comfortable separation’ between all of those wise words pronounced by various philosophers, thinkers or prophets throughout history, and we’ve caged them into books of ‘religious doctrines’ or ‘quack theories’ that we have relegated to oblivion, but never really learned how to make the whole set of wise words and advices something practical.

Why am I so passionate to always go back to this ‘beginning of existence’ type of topics? Because this is something that I somehow ‘knew’ as a little girl and got confirmed of it through studying the Eqafe.com audios that explain the history of existence, all the material at Desteni, Heaven’s Journey To Life (read at least the 100 first posts that describe all aspects on this topic) and everything that Bernard Poolman shared to the public, which is not a ‘light read’ but by life itself, it’s been the one source of understanding that I am again eternally grateful to be aware of because as I was saying, it was soothing for me to know that that which I felt or acted on at some level was in fact a reality.

As a child I had some ‘weird’ ways of being such as not wanting to hit things because I considered they could feel as well, I wasn’t ‘mean’ to other people or thought bad about them because I cared about other children by imagining what it would be to be ‘them’ as well. I would get very sad and depressed as a child upon seeing that some children would not behave that way towards me… and starting to recognize evil in humanity and so how it played out in reality became a source of existential anguish that I tried to understand for many years by deliberately creating my own forms of ‘understanding’ what led people to act and behave in certain ways, including myself eventually as I reached my teenage years and I saw myself creating desires that I wanted to fulfill and would clash in an explosive manner with my parents. Yet, I wanted to know ‘why’ we were all so lost, so hopeless and helpless…. And yes I went through several routes as philosophies, books, spiritualties and religions until I essentially stopped on my tracks when I got to listen to the Desteni message on January 30th 2008, a memorable date in my life that would forever change who I am, for the best.

The message of oneness and equality, as ‘euphemistic’ and ‘ethereal’ it may sound, to me it means the comprehension of who I am as part of this world, why I am here and what we are doing in this process is precisely to turn the tables from the mess we’ve made of ourselves – consequently of life itself – and to direct ourselves, to deliberately change our ways so that we can become ‘whole’ again. This doesn’t mean or imply that everyone will be holding hands as we run through the fields in an everlasting happiness…. This means simply being able to be a human being that considers that it IS possible to be the best that you can in whatever you do and wherever you are and with whomever you are around and from that, if everyone lives this: we go in fact shaping the new forms of living, the new expressions, using the words that express life itself, that expresses that ‘best version of ourselves’ that we know we currently aren’t, yet we know the potential is here, because we all can see what is currently very wrong in our world or at least the aspects that are causing conflicts and what everyone would want in order for all of us to live at a relative and acceptable peace.

It’s all the judgments, the imposition of opinions through charged adjectives that we believe ‘we are’ that separates us. This is a very ‘simplistic’ way of putting it, but it is in fact so… it is so that it is THAT silly to realize what we are in fact fighting and killing ourselves for something that exists merely in our minds as words made judgments, turned into weapons and deprecating words.

Is it difficult to live this realization? It is at times hard to see people getting lost in all sorts of separation and division – all words that lead to actions that perpetuate this separation. It baffles me, but now I create an understanding about it so as to remind myself in a simple moment of all of this that I’ve realized and understood throughout the years, so that I no longer get angry or sad about it. I also slip out of myself at times and get into the realm of separation through opinions, judgments, fears, ideas I create about others and that I speak and act on.  And at the same time, I’ve learned to not judge myself for it, because I know how deep this ‘conditioning’ goes, I am aware this has become the most ingrained way to ‘be’, that’s how it takes a deliberate decision to recognize any mistake or fall and from there to deliberately decide to correct myself in relation to it, to change myself and ‘my ways’ to become a more life-encompassing being.

Encompassing is a cool word as I see it, it embraces, it holds, it contains the whole, it also contains the word ‘compass’ as a direction that I can consider every time that I get lost in separation. It also sounds like compassion which I’ve also recently decided to redefine as a consideration, an understanding, and so this is also pertinent to remind myself whenever I get ‘lost in my ways’ essentially. To consider the whole, to put it simply.

The first time that I heard the series ‘The Secret History of the Universe’ it was like a revelation I have been waiting to understand, it was like a ‘Eureka’ moment for me, and from there it was like taking a soothing aid for my soul so to speak, I’m not even joking about this. I bring through to my awareness the essential aspects that I got from listening to this series in order to remind myself of who we really are and where we are going – I do this whenever I seem to get ‘lost in the mind’ and in certain experience. I especially do this whenever I read the multiple forms of judgments, bullying, calling names, complaining, blaming and the list goes on of words and declarations going on in our world through media and social media today. It too is part of revealing ourselves to each other, I remind myself that we have to bring through the common sense through it, but I also realize that it will take time for the mess to be sorted out, because we are currently in the ‘explosive’ face so to speak. It’s not a happy ride, but it’s a necessary phase, this is the real face of the revelation, the apocalypse as many called it. This is it! Seeing our truth through our words, thoughts and deeds.

This process is the only way with which I’ve been able to ‘soothe my existential pain’ and the series I mentioned above was one of the reasons for it, so I recommend it as an essential part of one’s self.-awareness process. I even suggest making notes, perhaps little drawings that assist in understanding it. I decided to make a photo back then to point out the obvious and what seemed like a very big ‘duh!’ moment for me J

Enjoy this and many other series on Eqafe currently available through the amazing opportunity that the Eqafe Unlimited  plan brings… as I always say, it will change your life if you dare to live the realizations you get from all the material there.

That’s it! Enjoy these audios that speak of the specific moments that got me to have this ‘Eureka’ moment:


Separation is just a concept

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty


454. Embracing Living Potentials

(Or how I plan to get rid of the ‘Doomsday character’)

 

Self-Forgiveness on the previous blog I shared

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as self-sabotage whenever I give into the usual known experiences of ‘gloom and doom’ or sticking to seeing only the ‘bad stuff’ or destructive aspects and patterns in everything and everyone wherein I then create an experience of discomfort, not being able to fully embrace a situation, a person, an event or circumstance that represents actual growth, change, expansion, expression and reacting within my mind by  defining it as ‘too positive’ or ‘too good to be true’ ‘not realistic’ when it comes to comparing it to the ‘reality of the world out there’ –  yet at the same time seeing it as a proof of potential, of growth, of self support, of self-creation that I then react to in a physical manner in a form of discomfort, which I translate to a disempowerment of sorts by believing that ‘that is too good to be true’ or ‘it’s not realistic’ or ‘it’s too positive’ and within this, I excuse myself from actually doing the necessary process of change for me to stand one and equal to such potential and possibilities for self-creation and self-expansion.

This happens when I go into my mind to qualify or attach a particular experience to a moment or situation, wherein I have programmed myself to react in a form of limitation as a ‘blockage’ in my experience whenever I perceive or define something as being enjoyable, of happiness, of ‘goodness’ as something constructive or plainly enjoyable or even pleasurable, wherein I then believe that I have to ‘stick to reality’ and not fully embrace it – here defining ‘reality’ as something that is not good, not supportive, of destruction, of sadness, of suffering and in doing this, I go qualifying my experience towards everything in a polarity mode, wherein I feel comfortable and ‘ok’ to remain in the ‘same old’ or ‘usual’ experience of comfort and normalcy associated with things remaining in the current status-quo of generally not being growing, expanding, supportive and oddly enough, I have not been able to establish who do I want to be in the face of all of that which is constructive, of growth and expansion and expression and enjoyment for what it is, wherein I have become so used to immediately tell myself that ‘this is not reality, this is not aligned with the truth and experience of the majority in this world, therefore, I must give up on it, I must not enjoy it, I must not be part of it, I must stick to reminding myself and everyone else about the fuckedupness in this world’ – in this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in this desire to make of myself a ‘reminder’ of ‘all things that are wrong in this world’ through creating an experience within me that ‘rejects’ or ‘reacts’ to actual living change – in doing so I recreate and continue to exist as that ‘status-quo’ of not changing, remaining in an ‘unfortunate’ self-experience, denying my self to create myself into something that I would genuinely enjoy being and expressing as me, because of judging it as ‘not being aligned with the rest of everyone’s experience’ –

but here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is a polarity I am holding in my mind, wherein in self honesty, it also becomes a way for me to be comfortable within ‘the same old me’ and not pushing myself outside of my comfort zone, which means I use the knowledge and information and awareness of how ‘the world is at this moment/how people in this world, the majority of them, are experiencing themselves, the animals, the environment in general’ and use this as an excuse, a reason and justification as to WHY I am apparently not able to stand up in a moment, let go of my own bitterness, gloom and doom within myself in the face of seeing potential, seeing evidence of change and self-creation and so instead Stand up as the change, live as the determination, creativity, perseverance and expression that I’d like everyone in this world to exist as, of course in consideration of what is best for all.

I realize that I have been denying myself the experience of growth, expression, creation, expansion within me in my life, even in the smallest details based on using knowledge and information as to why I am supposed to almost be a ‘martyr’ in the name of the rest of the world – but here, it’s just a ‘good face’ to cover up something else in fact. Within that ‘experience’ I am in fact justifying me not changing, not standing up to my own words of that which I would like others to live for themselves, and not just the poor and unfortunate ones, but everyone equally.

Therefore I have to stop living in spite in reality, spite that has been covered up as a notion of ‘I am on the side of the unfortunate ones, I am a martyr for not enjoying the things that others do enjoy and create for themselves in their lives’ and in doing this, actually become spiteful to others that do actually stand up to create the lives and experiences that they want for themselves and stand as their own creation that surely, it is also something that could be very supportive and cool for many more to create and enjoy equally.

It is quite paradoxical that in a supposed attempt to ‘do good’ to others or stand in ‘mourn’ for those unfortunate ones, I believe that denying all the ‘good things’ in life is a way to ‘honor them’ when in fact, I become the very perpetuator of self-limitation, of ‘the system’ itself that we’ve created as our own limitation, as our own enslavement, therefore in no way am I actually standing up ‘for others’ or for anything really, I am only using that awareness as a source of limitation for myself.

Here I also have to realize that based on the current situation of our world system, money system, many things are just not possible to create in equality as in wanting everyone to ‘have the same’ as I do or as I see others can create for themselves, and this is part of our manifested consequences of separation creating inequality and creating differential access to even the basics in this reality. But these are only FACTS, these are the ways in which the world is currently working. Therefore ME creating an Experience about this and reacting to it with anger, sadness, commiseration, misery within myself about it specially in moments where actual living creation and expression exists as a potential, is not being a solution to these problems in the world, is not me standing as the solution of who and what I’d like everyone to exist as and live as in this world, be a genuine and full example of that – but instead, I ‘close up’ and go into this very subtle yet present experience of wanting to stand as a representation of ‘all the bad things’ that are going on in life and be a constant reminder of that toward others, wherein I realize that it’s not about now completely ‘being positive’ all the time and making of it an energetic experience, it is about paving the way for and opening myself up to actually embrace the potential of creation, of life.

I also see that a solution to this whole point is about embracing the reality without a judgment, without qualifying it as positive or negative, but rather assessing it in common sense which means seeing ‘what is best for all’. Because otherwise I trap myself into defining all things related to growth, expansion, expression and enjoyment within a ‘positive experience’ that I then go into opposing with ‘all things negative’ apparently to stand as a ‘balancing point’ to the situation, but in this it’s not really about ‘What I want to remind others about,’ I only end up screwing myself because I don’t get to change the things I want to stand as a ‘reminder of’ for others, in terms of the misery, the suffering, the poverty, the unfortunate experience, and at the same time I don’t get to assist myself to actually learn how to Embrace the potential of self-creation, of growth, expansion, development, enjoyment and the ability to ‘play’ with life which are just that, actions, decisions, outcomes that I then have to assess in common sense if they are genuinely supportive, if they are sustainable, if they are a point of self-expression, if they don’t compromise myself or others in any way – and so instead of going into the polarity of the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and me embodying mostly that ‘bad’ or ‘negative’ in the presence of all things I have defined as ‘good’ or ‘positive’ – I rather embrace such potentials, such moments which I actually should be grateful for.

Today I actually dreamed of my partner being this point for me, because I dreamed that we were in two separate rooms in the same house, and I was ‘very busy’ as my ‘usual self’ in my room and he would just knock at the door and start dancing in the hall way and even through the stairs, which in that moment in my dream really assisted me to ‘get out of my seriousness’ for a moment and embrace that laugh, like I Allowed myself to precisely laugh at the moment while being quite glad that he was expressing himself in that way in a moment and sharing it with me. This means that this point of enjoyment I would have usually ‘denied’ this expression of myself in the moment because of considering it as ‘not important’ or ‘too happy for me’ or ‘too superficial’ or whatever, but in ‘waking life’ this is also becoming a point of expression and embracing it as well, which has been cool and a whole nother topic, but relates a bit to transcending some of that usual ‘knee jerk’ reaction to ‘expression’ for example.

I don’t ‘lose face’ for doing so or I don’t become ‘less serious about life’ with it, it’s actually the other way around: the more I want to stick to representing and embodying the ‘nature of the system, the nature of the reality for everyone out there’ as this doom and gloom, the more I create it, accept it and allow it within and so within others and as this reality.

This is quite a revelation for myself because how can I go desiring ‘change’ in this world if I am not fully embracing and standing as the very pillar in all of my being to embrace such change and constructive and expressive outcomes that are possible for all of us if we decide to stand as it as well? It is impossible if I continue to want to in a way sabotage it or maim it or expect it to ‘not work out’ after all – yep, quite the ‘evil’ as reverse of life here – and so it becomes a way to justify ‘my experience’ in the face of change and constructive, expressive, enjoyable moments and I become my very own obstacle, my very own ‘challenging experience’ that is actually not of Life.

 Life is not experiencing itself as ‘emotional’ stuckness, but it finds a way to continue, to grow, to purify, to adapt, to expand, always, even if all around and all the ‘variables’ are against it, the proof is we are still here so that potential is also within ourselves– and that’s what I decide here to stand as and decide to live in every moment as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my addiction to doom and gloom and believing that ‘I was more grounded in reality by embodying or constantly ‘bringing up into my experience’ – notice as an EXPERIENCE – the same or similar things that I actually only can Imagine people out there are going through in an attempt to ‘make a stand for them’ as in making of myself that embodiment, as the ‘one point’ that almost wants to ‘rain down on everyone’s parade’ as a reminder of ‘how things are not ok in life and in this world’ therefore ‘I cannot just join in the constructive and supportive and expressive side’ and let go of what I have defined as my ‘real side’ – all things related to sadness, suffering, self sabotage, destruction, doom and gloom – which is in fact just a personality trait and experience that I’ve become so used to ‘being in’/existing as.

 In this I realize that all the times I’ve recoiled or criticized people that I have judged or even spited as ‘too happy’ or ‘too expressive’ were actually moments where I could see that there was this inner struggle, inner ‘battle’ to embrace that as me or a potential of myself, which is in fact the change to create and make space for within myself (out of my comfort zone) – therefore, in a way becoming like the character of ‘Wednesday’ (Merlina in spanish) Addams when being around all the happy kids in the camp and standing as that one point and reminder of all things related to the ‘opposite’ the kind of happiness everyone was up to there – lol – which is kind of funny because it relates very much to a personality trait I’ve become and embodied as myself, and that has actually already caused me some health situations before based on this constant ‘mourn’ in a subtle manner that exists based on focusing and reacting to ‘all the bad stuff’ going on in the world and in a way ‘re-enacting’ it within myself whenever I am confronted with something of supportive or what I had defined as ‘positive’ in nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of having this ‘undefined undercurrent experience within me that I don’t know what it is’ as apparently something that was ‘beyond my reach to change’, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that ‘this is always going to be with me’ and ‘I cannot change it’ because ‘It’s the nature of my beingness’ wherein even if that is so in terms of how we’ve all programmed ourselves to the core to stand as separation, as all things ‘of the mind’, no matter what, we can still make that constant decision to not ‘follow the mind flow’ or ‘the usual experience’ but instead actually stand as that self-creation point In the moment, and how I see that it will be is making a seemingly ‘small shift’ within myself wherein instead of judging something or someone that is constructive, expressive, playful and showing that potential of what life is and can be, I allow myself to embrace that/them as myself, as something I must physically create space for and embrace within myself, and this is possible once that I do not ‘fill in the gap’ in that moment with the usual ‘me’ that is accustomed to yes seeing the benefit of change, growth, expansion, expression, self-creation and agreeing with it at a Consciousness or Mind level, but at a BEING level, I have not yet been fully ‘in it and as it’ as the totality of who I am.

Therefore this is where I have to become very aware of these subtle moments where this seemingly ‘undefined’ discomfort emerges in me upon witnessing growth, expansion, expression, enjoyment, playfulness and life in its multiple ways and expressions emerging, and so in that moment I can decide to deliberately take a deep breath so as to ‘make space’ for this new me to embrace these potentials that a situation, a person, an environment is presenting to me and that I can decide to be a part of it without judging it as ‘positive’ standing as a counter act to ‘all the negative’ – I have to in this moment let go of my usual ‘equation’ or ‘balancing act’ of me standing as the ‘reminder of all the bad things in the world’ and actually make space and learn how to stand as that ‘embracing of life’ within and as myself.

 

It’s interesting because for the most part what I’ve done in this deliberate decision to do supportive things for myself and others is that yes, it has felt as very unnatural, but I also realize how this seemingly experience of ‘going against the flow’ also has to do with a resistance to change, to put it bluntly and simply really, because only a resistance persists in a particular ‘inertia’ state and not being fully willing to change or making it ‘difficult’ but in my case, it is definitely a matter of a decision to do so.

Yes, it might probably feel like I am entirely going ‘against my grain and core’ but I have to remind myself that if this is the nature of my beingness as ‘evil’ as the reverse of life that isn’t able to embrace life and all of its potential as me, as a possibility and reality for me; then how can I in any way continue ‘advocating for change’ or be ‘promoting change’ or ‘expect the world to change’ if I am not ENTIRELY to the core of my being living, embodying and existing as that very life within myself.

Here, I have to treat this the same way as I have treated any other addiction really, because it’s a comfort zone, it becomes a justification to all things that we believe ‘are not up for us to change or challenges as who we are’ when in fact, I can see the obviousness of how if there’s anything that I am reacting to or subtly creating a discomfort about a point of expansion, of potential, of life, change and growth, I must stand fully as my awareness of this particular pattern of addiction to pessimism and doom and gloom and ‘things not changing’ and ‘remembering the suffering of everyone else in the world’ and realize that it is completely Futile/useless for me to turn those facts into a personal experience as an emotion within me, that I am in fact Not changing myself and not working/standing/applying myself to be the change in itself even to the core of my being, which practically means ‘not just agreeing with words’ but make that actual shift at core level of the nature of myself that I want to live by and express as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dishonor life in this blatant way, by holding on to my ‘preferred’ states of being with subtle rejoicing at all things destructive and of the mind which are in no way an actual demonstration of me being an example of ‘living life’ but more like continuing the trend of our entire existence of self-sabotage and comfort in self destruction, seeking change ‘out there’ instead of focusing to the detail of myself here, which is where I can empower myself as change.

 

I’ve realized through all the supportive interviews at Eqafe.com that there’s a very simple way to ground these seemingly ‘undefined’ experiences into a solution by directly asking myself: “what am I hiding, covering up, justifying, excusing and validating with ‘my experience’? or “What am I NOT wanting to take responsibility for in my life, in my experience that stands as a form of spite in the face of life?”

Is all of this something that is pretty to face and acknowledge exists within oneself? Nope, and I could go into shame as to ‘how the hell have I allowed this to exist within me!?’ and into blame and feeling bad about it, lol – that would only catapult myself back to where I was before opening up this whole point so, that’s how judging one’s actions is a double-layer fuck-up that can be short-circuited by deciding NOT to judge what we’ve lived and become, and instead just Directly and straight-forward go to the solutions, to the decisions of changes to be made, to the actual practicing and embodying of the change that I have paid lip-service for, but that I had not actually fully embraced to the core of my being as a potential yet to develop and create, and nurture within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question my almost hatred and disdain towards that one aspect that my grandmother represented for me as the person that will always ‘feel bad’ about herself and only think about being sick and ill and even in the face of getting all the attention and support, sticking to complaining and making a big fuzz about things and almost like becoming addicted to conflict and fighting for her limitations, constant complain in most interactions I had with her and to judge her for that instead of first realizing that there is also a reason why she was like that.

So once that I looked and got to know of her entire life some of this made sense, but then I could also see how she literally abandoned herself, her life, her body, killing herself even if consciously ‘wanting to live’ and taking her meds, because her actions towards her body, her thoughts, her very relationships were not entirely that of actually wanting to stand as life, but more like the contrary. Here I have to forgive myself for judging my grandmother as this person that everyone in my family got to know I had a ‘conflictive’ relationship with, which also reflected how I wasn’t willing or even aware of taking such points that I disliked about her personality and her mind, and take them back to myself to see how I am living and embodying those same points within myself.

Of course when doing this, it’s not going to be ‘the exact same things’ she used to be and stand as, but I can read the pattern in terms of how I subtly‘cannot stand’  to see progress and development even if through my words and voice I can agree with it and support it, but I haven’t yet made the actual ‘space’ so to speak to truly embrace this as myself as an actual potential/possibility that exists for me, as myself, and for others as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss out the obvious points when it comes to investigating how I relate to and have judged some members in my family for showing certain traits that I’ve defined as plain horrible such as how it seems that anyone’s well being or good fortune creates a discomfort in them, and how I could ‘not make sense of it’ because of how I could not fathom – apparently – that someone could feel that way in the face of potential and support and  growth/expansion! – yet I have done the exact same thing yet not seeing it for what it actually is, but suppressing it interestingly enough as this nature of ‘how I am’ and not questioning it.

So, the devil is in the detail as in I have thought that as long as I deliberately utter words that are supportive and geared to create solutions, I was being the solution – but this is more of a physical experience that I am now aware of is there as an undercurrent/underlying presence that I had not challenged/question to the core within myself, therefore this is more of a physical embracing of life itself, not only at a knowledge and information level, but as a … how to explain it? A making of space and so a deliberate stand to embrace such potential, growth, expansion, awareness, change, development, expression, self-creation.

I’ve seen how many of us that are ‘too concerned’ about the world out there actually become this very ‘problem’ ourselves where we focus too damned much in the ‘outside’ that we forget to look at the very details of how, where and why we are creating this very same problem or recreation of friction and conflict within ourselves in our minds, thoughts, experiences and we don’t even question it or notice it and that’s a huge problem, because then we will recreate our addiction to only seeing the problems, to the hidden and covert ‘blame’ towards whatever or whoever or the system itself for why things not change, instead of realizing change as myself at this very core, not only in thought, word and deed or ‘good intentions’, because I’ve thought I was doing it, but this is also a BEING decision, a who I am and how I relate to or decide to express myself In the face of seeing/witnessing/standing in front of and in the midst of potential, growth, expansion, change, development, support, enjoyment and all of that which I have denied within myself as a potential of myself.

I can see that in both of my family lines, the constant experience was that of suffering, of pain, of dread, of depression, of inferiority, of melancholy and the rest of it, so, this is something that had become so ‘natural’ to me that I had not questioned it yet I can see this almost ‘addiction’ to misery of sorts, very weird! Yes but not to judge it any further though, but to understand it as just another way in which we function in our minds – some people are geared to the ‘happy’ and ‘all things positive’ in their minds, and some others are the opposite and I happened to be geared more in the ‘opposite’ so, I am just part of that polarity that divides ourselves in experiences instead of rather being able to embrace potential as life, undefined of ‘charges’.

I realize that it has been a very sneaky and subtle way for me to actually disempower myself when it comes to embracing possibilities of change, wherein a form of pessimism or negativity or ‘sticking to the reality of the majority’ becomes a comfort zone as well, wherein I use that as a reason and excuse of why I cannot embrace that change, expansion, possibility, creativity, expression within myself. And this is exactly the kind of personality I have embodied for most of my life.

Who I am within using ‘the facts’ as the reality of what is here in this world as an excuse of why I cannot embrace that potential of expansion, growth, expression, enjoyment as myself? I am avoiding responsibility to change myself, I am abdicating my own ability and going into a disempowerment which becomes also a comfort zone as to ‘why I cannot do anything to change the WHOOOLE world and system out there’ therefore, I remain in this sense of ‘stuckness’ to not take the point absolutely back to myself and see how I am still reacting and accepting this experience as ‘unchangeable’ within me, even in the most subtle/tiny experiences and situations when in fact, if there is one place where I can in fact stand fully as the change, is within myself.

So I essentially have to stop using the world, the ‘state of affairs’ of how things currently are as an excuse, reason and justification of why I cannot embrace actual and genuine change as in embracing and so giving creation to what exists as a potential of growth, development, expansion, self-creation and self-expression, wherein it has become easier for me to agree to it ‘at a mind level’ but not yet fully embrace it as the new nature of my being that I decide to live by – which is a great, great difference.

In my sneaky mind I validated this experience as something ‘true’ to myself, I even saw it as a way of being ‘compassionate’ to others maybe, a way to ‘care for others’ but this exists only as a moral facade really, as a ‘caring for others’ at a personality level, because as long as I don’t care entirely to change this very mechanism of spitefulness within me, how can I dare to say ‘I care for others and change in the world?’ I Cannot, because the very reaction that I am presenting to such actual change and possibilities is that of the reverse of embracing it, and that cannot continue being so in my being.

And this is something that I know for a fact is not only existent ‘in me’: our very nature at a mind and beingness level is that of containing some form of self-destruction, to keep ourselves controlled and in the comfortable illusion of disempowerment.

It is in that comfortable illusion of ‘being disempowered’ that we become the very embodiment of the systems that we are trying to apparently ‘change’ out there… this is so essential to understand really, it can potentially define the entire starting point that anyone can have toward creating ‘change’ in fact, and that’s how I’ve explained in past blogs that I no longer seek the change ‘out there’ but rather focus on the very necessary and indispensable change within each one of us, and it begins with these subtle changes that might take some attention and focus to become aware of, but one simply knows when there’s something ‘coming up’ as an experience in ourselves and that’s already a reaction, might not be a set of thoughts but subtle physical experiences, and that is IT.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this seemingly underlying experience within me that emerges every time there’s a witnessing or awareness on constructive, self supportive, developments, growth, self-creation and all things that are actually supportive wherein I would have a ‘discomfort’ within me, very subtle – yet brushed it aside every time, hoping it would ‘change’ itself, but I had not realized that it’s not so much me rationalizing ‘change’ but also at a being level making a decision to embrace these potentials as the life that exists within me, as the examples others are presenting of this and rather be grateful that I am seeing this now, rather than ‘later on’ or ‘never’ and continuing ‘tolerating’ my mind as this subtle physical experience.

 I realize that my affinity with doom and gloom is a way of keeping myself in a personality trait that even if I can in common sense I’ve seen the benefits of learning to live in a supportive manner, at a very deep/being level I wasn’t making that whole decision for myself entirely, but more at a knowledge and information level, more of a ‘moral’ stand point if you will instead of making the actual space to embrace and so develop such potentials to then focus on creating them as myself, as what I have yet to create as myself which sure, I have no ‘scheme’ or ‘predefined’ sets for, but I have seen glimpses of my potential and expression and abilities and skills, so I can continue developing those further and continuing learning from others, embracing them as examples I can learn from, which are other human beings in this same process that I learn a lot from, which is remarkable to say the  least and demonstrates the possibility of this at a humanity level.

This is a one point I ‘brushed off’ aside for so long I see, and all I can say is that this will be quite the challenge for me based on the subtle yet very noticeable change to be made here… I shall report back in time how I go bringing it into creation, into application in real time which is what this process is all about. Here I only suggest to be aware of points like these because it might get to a point where it’s not necessarily a set of thoughts popping into one’s head, but a very, very subtle physical reaction that one knows ‘it’s there’ and one has to then open it up to see it for what it is, to understand the pattern when it emerges and so see deeper into it.

That’s it for now, thanks for reading

 

Suggested recordings for the day:

 

 

Merlina Addams

 

LOL!

 

Learn and walk with us how to Embrace and Create Life here:


432. Don’t Want To Be Part of Life?

 

Something interesting happened when I considered writing about exigencies and enforcement, since I can relate to having those aspects coming through me when lacking humbleness and consideration toward others. Today I received a comment to one of my previous blog entries sharing about those that do not want to participate in walking a process of living life in a way that is supportive, nor do they perceive themselves to be doing ‘any harm.’ But, at the same time they perceive that they are somewhat ‘forced’ to stay alive or agree with the changes that some people in this world – including myself – see are necessary, for the betterment of it of course.

It is an interesting position I’d say, because such kind of ‘neutrality’ to me is really not existent from this perspective. We are in this world and there can only exist the belief, the comfortable idea that ‘I harm no one, I only exist here, I was only brought into life without asking for it, therefore I am not responsible for anything that is here, I do not want any form of change nor do I want to be part of it.’

From my perspective and own experience it is very difficult to turn a blind eye to the reality in this world, and it is even more difficult to try and ‘cope with it’ with all sorts of reasons, excuses or taking anything ‘extra’ to ‘soothe the pain.’ There’s also some that perceive that because they have not been assisted/supported in this world, then should not be expected to be part of supporting oneself/others/life on Earth back. To go straight to the point, I’d say it is a spiteful stance believing that one can exist here and hold no accountability or liability for our sheer existence.

I know, I know, self-responsibility can be the scariest thing to realize upon looking at the reality we live in, but to think or believe that ‘I am Not part of the problem’ is a point of self-beatification in a way, believing one is immaculate and affects nothing and no one in this world – therefore self-sustained in some miraculous way – and because one does no harm = there is no point of responsibility to the whole either. From my perspective and understanding, this is more of a nice lie we like to whisper to ourselves in our heads to not be able to face the music, as it’s usually said.

Now, back to the point of enforcement. It is true that I cannot conceive the existence of someone that would not want to be part of the process of creating a better world, a better life, not only for oneself but for everyone else – and in this of course including and considering every single being that we disregard as merely being ‘of another species’ or ‘microorganisms’ or ‘dead elements’ that actually compose life on Earth. If anything this should be our reason to continue existing in this world, to continue exposing the need for a change of mind, a change in self to become part of the solutions in this world and stop being the problem; but at the same time, I have shattered my own gullibility throughout the years and gotten to know other people that definitely do not agree with my perspective and principles.

I can understand how there are some people that can perceive that life has forgotten them, have not gotten any form of support to live in decency, have been rejected or kicked out of any sort of social system for not having certain education, skills, etc. But, it is also true that there is a decision in each person to either hold on to this all as an eternal form of victimization, or decide to recognize that yes, life has not been ‘peachy’ for everyone – yet, there is a need to do something about it, starting with ourselves.

More so now than a decade ago, this wave of awareness on the changes needed in this world is kicking with full strength I’d say, which is awesome. Yet, one of the things that would prevent oneself from being part of that new awareness, is holding on to the past, to the scorn, to the resentment to life/society/the world or particular individuals in our lives that have ‘wronged’ us and so, becoming an excuse to not have any intent of change. To me this is keeping ourselves in a definitive enslavement through one’s own will. If anything I would ask: why would someone want to hold on to a limited life, one where oneself sees that there is no space for ‘me’ in this new wave of change and awareness in this world? Why would I want to exclude myself from being part of something that I am – by default-  a part of already, and that is actually meaningful beyond any point of ego-interest, standing for something that will benefit me and many others as well?

I cannot deny that at some point I could have been in that realm of ‘do whatever you want and leave me alone’  just because I was in the mindset that it was someone else’s fault and not mine, kind of leaving me in the realm of ‘I haven’t been part of the mess’ and comfortably – more like cynically – pointing fingers at those that are the usual piñatas to hit and blame for our problems. And even at times now, I may still struggle at times with being able to embrace constructive outcomes, because it’s quite known by now – or read this entire blog otherwise – that I was in the kind of easy-way-out “solutions” person like expecting some massive destruction that would reduce all human race to dust, in the end realizing that this was only to not face the actual consequences of our actions and inactions throughout our human path on Earth, in essence: do something about it.

A few years ago I had the firm idea that everyone would want to be part of a solution, that it just made ‘perfect sense’ that someone would want to support themselves, to get the gist of what self-responsibility implies when it comes to living in this world. But, unfortunately, as common sensical as this may be for many, it is also something very difficult for others to acknowledge, to recognize. It is difficult because of the past experiences mostly, a way of self-definition where one wants to hold on to having been wronged in life and so, not wanting to be part of the new possibilities. Some years ago, I would probably had said ‘everyone has to be part of this change’ – but, realistically speaking and having had more experience with people and getting to know them and their reasons, it is so that of course it is not a point to impose or enforce to anyone, it is ultimately a decision one makes about it.

In a way I’d say that it’s not even so much about deciding to ‘not be part of it,’ because if you are here in this world as a human or any other form/being that is part of this reality = you are already part of it, the interdependence exists by default whether one wants to acknowledge it or not. So, I’d say that it is only one’s ego as one’s memories, idea of self, perceptions, judgments and holding on to it all that can prevent oneself from deciding to acknowledge self responsibility and decide to  – at the very least – support themselves at an individual level to live an honest life, of self-support.

This is ultimately a decision to see, engage, motivate and move oneself to be part of it – or (un)comfortably deny that one sees the need for a change in oneself, in the world system, in our everyday survival and keep a blind eye to it. Precisely today I was pointing out how once one takes the red pill – like in the Matrix movie – there is no way back, and one can probably go  bit insane in trying to ‘undo’ this awareness of who we are, what we’ve done and the responsibility we have to it all.

If anything it is easier for me to understand the fear to acknowledge the responsibility to it all. I can also understand the illusion of comfort that this notion of ‘not being part of anything’ brings, which is in fact a denial of that which is self-evident: one cannot exist ‘alone’ and affecting no-one, that is pure physics. Life is a series of relationships and as such no-life cannot exist without relationships. And if you bring up this fluffy idea of relationships in your mind when reading the word ‘relationships,’ definitely need to redefine the word to see that everything exists in relationships in this reality, as that is what enables life on Earth.

In addition to this all, life as physical bodies that are part of this world – as the individuals we are and coexist – need from one another to continue living. The physicality in itself would not deny in any way this interdependence, this coexistence, this ultimate ‘oneness and equality’ that exists here; it is only in the mind that we concoct any argument, justification and ultimately an excuse to defend one’s limitation, one’s ego-interest and here I’d ask the question: well, who benefits?

The only thing that comes up for me is, I would not want to be in the shoes of a person that has gotten to be aware of proposed ways and solutions to make of one’s life and that of others a better one and still decide to think that remaining in one’s egg-shell is the way to continue existing. Yet, I’ve learned as well that as I’ve said many times before, I cannot impose or enforce change onto others. I can only share my own experience,  what has driven me to step out of my own egg-shell and continue to expose the very well-known mind traps to remain in a seemingly ‘safe zone of comfort’ by believing one is not liable to anything in this world.

My responsibility and principle is to share and expose how this position of being ‘neutral’ to it all is a comfortable lie, because I’ve been there and done that only to notice how miserable I was becoming because of refusing to actually see life beyond my own (knows) nose.

Life is not a choice, because if you are here and exist, you are already alive. But I’d say that actually living an honorable, self-supportive life is an actual choice that each one will decide for oneself to do. It cannot be enforced; it can only be shown and shared by example, it must be self-realized, self-recognized. The best thing is that each one will make that decision to actively take part in it or not, and ultimately it is not about ‘others,’ but about oneself: are we willing to live with ourselves for the rest of our existence knowing the decisions we’ve made might have been actually dictated by a mind that thrives on self-sabotage and self- deprecation?

So, to you writing the comment, I would suggest to reconsider the fact that it is truly you not wanting to be ‘part of life’ – or if it is just an idea, a concept, a bit of information that makes everything seemingly ‘easier’ when in fact it prevents one from stepping outside of the cage and learning how to actually live, for real. Why would one deny to oneself one of the greatest ‘gifts’ anyone can ever give to oneself, free of charge?

What will you decide? Who will decide for you?

My ultimate suggestion, give yourself a chance.

 

 

Learn more about this and Join in:


411. Do Good and Evil Really Exist?

We tend to want to hold on to the idea of ourselves being ‘good people’ or there being really ‘good people’ out there without questioning what the origin or starting point of such goodness exists.  With this it’s not to imply that there’s no ‘good’ at all but certainly it is a cool point to investigate all the aspects that one has defined as ‘good’ within oneself and simply check the starting point for it: am I genuinely being assistive and supportive toward others because I see that it makes sense to support and assist others the way I would want to be assisted by other individuals as well and so make it the principles by which we all coexist in  – OR am I doing it for the sake of how others will see me, how I believe I can be rewarded for ‘being good’ or ‘doing good’ and using it as a form of ‘good credit’ for oneself in relation to others.

First point to realize here is that we can all change the starting point of what we have defined as ‘good’ based on that which is beneficial and supportive to ourselves and one another. Maybe we just haven’t yet considered how certain acts of kindness, generosity or wanting to be a good person/ ‘being a good person’ can in fact be a counter act/ a clean-up/contrition act from past experiences that could have been the exact opposite to everything perceived as good or benevolent, such as having been very selfish, authoritarian, careless toward others and so one then feels like ‘we have to make up for it all’ through becoming the opposite polarity as a ‘good person.’ In this we have the absolute ability to decide we want to change this because we see that doing ‘bad’/harmful and abusive things to oneself and others is not the way to go, and so one makes the decision to change and commits oneself to practically live it – but! If after realizing one is actually using the ‘bad/evil’ as a memory or starting point to ‘do good’ and we only go to the opposite polarity as in now wanting to do good and be good and almost push it so much in an expectation to gain ‘the grace of god’ so to speak as in seeking to feel good/positively within oneself for ‘cleaning one’s acts’ with ‘good/positive deeds’ or for example to be seen with ‘good eyes’ by others/ get the approval from others or be recognized as a form of good-doer or any other ‘high moral standard’ we may have within ourselves – such as the driving force behind altruism and charitable acts – then the starting point is rather misaligned and further destructive than constructive.

 

Why? Because doing ‘good’ based on the cleaning-up act for the ‘evil/bad’ past is merely believing that the answer is doing the opposite. What I’ve realized in this process is that merely opting for ‘the opposite’ is not a suggested way to go because in this we recreate the pattern of the ‘good’ vs. the ‘bad’ or evil – which is a definition, a charged experience toward something that could be simply supportive/non supportive. What usually happens is that one creates one’s own trap within the good vs. bad morality polarity enslavement which is the foundation of, for example, the church/religious systems that play on in this good vs. evil principle to manipulate people to ‘do good’ based on fearing being punished for ‘all the bad.’  The same is ingrained in a secular person that perceives the law/government as the authority in a society and so, that person will still ‘do good’ based on fearing to be punished/standing in bad credit against law/government/financial systems or any other authority as well as peers in society as well. So here we become subject to our own constructs, to our own punishment-reward mentality to which we give a negative and positive value respectively where we then either feel good or bad about something, instead of rather asking oneself: well, am I being supportive to myself and others? am I considering living principles in my thoughts, words and deeds as a principle of who I decide to be?  OR am I only acting in either a ‘good’ manner to get an energy fix from it, to get acceptance, validation, recognition and better living positions in many occasions where ‘doing good’ is linked to being rewarded for it in an economic manner as well? One can then ponder: is there any genuine ‘good’ then or are we only acting out on either looking for a ‘good feeling’/positive experience within ourselves or escaping from/making up for past ‘bad’/evil deeds that one felt ‘bad’ about and wanting to ‘do good’ now to not FEEL or hide within self all the perceived evil/bad without first understanding it?

Here the first point I suggest considering is that a process of self change involves realizing and understanding that one will not ‘feel good’ as in having to create a positive experience every time you simply decide to correct/align yourself to the best possible supportive and sustainable outcome.  It is to realize that deciding to change oneself, to be self-supportive toward oneself and others is not in itself a ‘good’ deed that stands in contrast to doing ‘bad’ because in that, even by considering the solution to be ‘positive’ we re-create and trap ourselves again in the good vs. bad mentality/mind construct which is how we then believe that if we do ‘good’ = we can FEEL great/good/superior/better etc. and feel like being at the top of the world with all this glory – which is an energetic experience. Here we can consider some physical laws: what goes up must go down and so we perceive that the ‘down’ experience is negative, while it is only getting down from the ride way up high.

To prevent this up and ride experience between the ‘good vs. bad/evil’ and the experiences one gets through them is to then focus on realizing that doing what is best for all is not something that one should create a ‘good experience’ about, or that it should be rewarded, receive recognition or get some sense of validation for now being a ‘good person’ and doing ‘good deeds’ – nope. It is to realize that what one is doing in this decision to change one’s destructive/harmful/abusive acts is simply directing oneself to live in an alignment with how things/life/our minds should have always work: considering what is best for all, assessing one’s participation in thought word and deed in every moment within oneself and toward others/the environment so that we ensure that every single moment we are aligning to these principles and within doing so, we integrate this reference as the new human nature we want to become and see in this world – it implies simply aligning ourselves to how things should have always been which is not less or more than what currently exists, we don’t have coin sluts to gain value for doing good or get some kind of physical body or substance extraction for doing ‘bad’ things either…

Within this then one removes the ‘charges’ to any positive or negative value to the perceived ‘good’ and the perceived ‘bad’ and so be able to understand bad/evil as the reverse of life, as a mistaken road one took that requires to be corrected/realigned so that it can be functional/supportive with what is best for all by walking a process of self-directive correction. This then prevents the whole ‘fallen’ experience, the guilt trip-traps and the whole mentality that one is ‘done’ or ‘never will get it right’ as we all tend to give up so easily in our minds when believing that we are just evil and have no remedy – which is also another self-victimization pattern to not actually take the time, effort and dedication that it takes to change oneself, which is mostly a decision to let go of the energy high linked to doing good and the guilt/bad experience when doing all the perceived ‘bad.’

With this also comes the necessary realization that: we’ve never dedicated our lives to direct this realignment to how we should have always ‘functioned’ in our minds and in our world – if things were just ‘fine’ in this world and anything had really been genuinely ‘good’ or ‘supportive’ we would not be seeking to change ourselves and this world all over, as we would be living such change as a new living principle for ourselves as humanity = this hasn’t happened and that’s why we have to realize that it is a process, it takes active participation and self-awareness in every moment we are alive to be continually living/applying this re-direction within oneself to in every moment assess one’s words, thoughts deeds to create/contribute to the change we see is beneficial for oneself and all parts in an equally supportive manner – that can also be understood as no harm, no abuse toward oneself and others – and instead doing what is constructive, supportive for oneself and others who are also ‘ourselves’ in fact.

Therefore one can also be more aware next time when we perceive that one wants to hold onto this ‘goodness’ within self or the perceived ‘goodness’ in others and Really investigate what such ‘good’ consists of, why we perceive it as ‘good’, what is the starting point of such thing we perceive as good and so consider the following: because our minds and this entire world system was built within the foundation of a non-supportive/abusive and non-equal basis, we cannot genuinely expect a supportive principle to exist as a general ‘trait’ or inherent property/inherent nature of human beings, of who we are as the mind – including the way that we have built this world system based on our own mind-constructs where it is evident it is not benefiting everyone the way it should –which is why I suggest to re-evaluate whenever one perceives someone to be ‘naturally good’ and get to know how such person ‘became’ a good person and what their story is. From that we can also learn why we tend to hold on to ‘the good’ so much and fear the evil/bad.

Having said this, it is more to realize that the construct of morality as the polarity of ‘good vs. evil’ is a definition, a construction we create in order to trap ourselves in the problem without focusing on the practical solutions required to align our thoughts, words and deeds to a supportive outcome. The potential to go ‘either way’ exists within each one of us in every moment that we are living here, which is why I see it as important to share some practical ways to rather use the morality construct as another tool of self-assessment to see ‘who am I’ toward the good vs. evil mentality.

 

One can then use the words ‘good’ and ‘bad’ in the following constructive manner:

–  If I perceive a ‘good’ aspect within me, something I’ve defined as ‘good’ within myself (or others) then I have to ask myself: what is motivating me to do/think this which I’ve defined as good? What is my starting point? Am I expecting something in return to this? Am I wanting to be seen as a good person by others? What experience as a feeling do I get when I believe myself to be good or am told by others that I am a ‘good person’? And so apply self-forgiveness for all the energy charges around these ‘good deeds/thoughts/experiences’ as all the positively-charged definitions so that what’s left is only the raw-living actions that are genuinely supportive, that are and can become part of one’s new natural/inherent expression of living by principles, by actions, by living words instead of being moved through/by energy all the time where we play the reward/punishment type of assessment or ‘equation’ in our minds based on energetic highs and lows, instead of just seeing the benefit for oneself and all if we think/say/act in a way that is best for all and vice versa if we don’t do/act/think based on what is best for all.

– If I observe some ‘bad’ aspect within me then I have to ask myself: why have I defined this as bad? Who, what and how am I affecting myself and others with these defined bad/evil thoughts, words and deeds? If I realize that I am genuinely harming or abusing myself and others then how can I correct/align this point that I’ve defined as bad? And so use this assessment to rather create a practical plan to correct and align in a directive manner this ‘bad/evil’ aspect within oneself to a supportive and constructive outcome. This is how then making mistakes or creating the perceived ‘fall’ is simply an opportunity to evaluate: ok where did I miss a point of direction, why we did that which we knew was not supportive or where did we miss a point of self-awareness where we acted upon past patterns, upon the ingrained non-supportive thoughts/deeds that lead us to a known path which is that of non-constructive/self-destructive choices and consequential outflows. We all then can constantly learn from our perceived ‘bad/evil’ mind construct while at the same time, applying self-forgiveness for acting out on such thoughts that are detrimental to oneself and others after which one can then make a firm assessment and decisive plan to support oneself to correct/align this point within oneself from here on as a Living Principle.

 

This is a way I can see one can go ‘shedding’ the moral construct of good vs. bad, to ensure there’s no positive or negative charge to either side but only assess the words said, the actions taken, the consequences that ensue and then see what is required to be changed to align it to living principles and what does one practically require to do to live this plan of corrective action. This is how the tools of writing, applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective application become our constant tools of self-investigation and our do-it-yourself evaluation foundation to get to know ourselves and for example investigate who am I within the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ construct, how does this exist within me and if such words still create an experience either positive or negative within myself.

 

There’s no point in wanting to hold on to something ‘good’ of which we don’t exactly yet know its origin and starting point of, and mostly I would actually suggest to practically doubt anything that’s apparently ‘good’ or ‘positive’ in nature as then we have to assess what motivates it, what ‘funds’ it ($), what are the interest behind it, is there any past ‘evil’ that’s being used as a starting point for oneself or others to do now ‘good’ as an energetic experience or ‘reward’ process in self-interest? And so we take off the mask of ourselves as our mind – which is in itself not at all ‘good’ or benevolent – and so rather learn how not to react to discovering self-honesty as in seeing what might be in fact a ‘real ugly truth’ of ourselves, which I could visualize like realizing one has a detuned guitar, or having a broken engine: we have to understand how we got them detuned/broken and so place our time, effort and knowledge in application to fix it = we do the same with ourselves and our minds/lives and so stop thinking within the ‘good vs. evil’ frame of mind and just consider practical reality.

 

For further reference:

Good vs Evil     Learn more about supporting yourself as your mind, how to deal with energy, one’s ego and how we can actively change ourselves here:


409. The Uncomfortable Truth

 

Estamos atados a nuestra mente 07

 

 

One of the reasons why this process cannot be done by ‘one individual alone’ is because we are very prone to creating our comfortable bubble where we believe that ‘nothing is happening, I don’t react, everything’s done, my mind is quiet’ and how else would it be if I remained in my own little world and my own little bubble!’ So that is certainly not walking process. Facing yourself as this world is not only facing ourselves in our own minds or as ‘the world system’ but facing each other as the mind we are and have become.

 

So, here I open up my recent reactions to the exposure of my own truth which is the state of the mind that we all have and how whenever someone dares to ‘show it all’ then I react ‘OH man! how dare that person do that!’ or ‘How can that exist within a person’s mind? which is all backchat that is in fact immediately dodging MY own responsibility to myself, my mind, my judgments instead of immediately reacting to ‘assess’ another’s mind/words/actions/behavior within me as the character of ‘politeness’ or keeping things in order and control, no different actually to how politics operate and I will open up this point of politeness and how it is in fact of course a façade and self-deception that as anything, can be walked through and rather turned into an expression of consideration, instead of a blanket used to cover up that which I ‘don’t want to see/face’ as myself which is essentially just postponing facing the inevitable which is the truth of who we are and have become as our minds, and so to not judge ourselves as the mind, but rather learn how to support ourselves, how to understand ourselves as the mind, how to self-forgive and so walk/live the corrections which is the real direction for self-change required here.

 

The most important thing within this is to realize that taking one’s mind or another’s mind personally is a reaction, it is of the mind and it is only perpetuating the same problem we have co-created because it is like realizing that one participating in one’s mind is like giving fuel to a fire. So, basic point here is also to realize that we’re all in a process and even if one is aware of the tools and ‘knows’ about the principle of self-responsibility, it doesn’t imply that ‘that person is going to take self responsibility’ or ‘is not reacting at all now.’ We are all walking through it and what’s more important: if I react to another and turn it as a point of having my expectations ‘unfulfilled’ it means that there’s a point of expectation that I haven’t really sorted out and a point of reaction toward words/actions that exist in one’s mind behind such ‘disappointment,’ and that because this mind exists within me and everyone, then it is my responsibility to actually take responsibility for it – No more and no less, no matter ‘who’ I believe is triggering an experience within me, I have to be able to stand absolute regardless of what is being said/done either personally or indirectly.

 

I realize that my responsibility does not extend only to ‘myself’ but others as well,  and that’s where I tend to simply think that well, I can ignore the person/situation and not make a fuzz about it – but if the person is already walking a process  and they are already working on themselves to stop the mind, then it is absolutely my responsibility to support another within my possibility and ability to do so,  as that is exactly what I would like and want another to do with myself as well, which is actually what I have lived through these past years of being supported as part of a group walking this process of unveiling the ‘uncomfortable truths’ of ourselves as the mind, that which we have kept secret and ‘veiled’ throughout time.

So here is a self-reminder how everything works in reverse in the mind: we have to be cautious when things seem ‘too stable’ or ‘not much happening’ and instead whenever conflict emerges to be grateful for it as it is unveiling an aspect of myself, of ourselves that we haven’t faced as is the case here.  

 

 

The Human Being, being Sensitive to Discord, Disharmony, Disease – are very easily Motivated to Seek Out the Harmony within themselves as the Equilibrium of Multiple Systems, Interacting within Relationship of a Closed System, as a Balanced Perfection for the Sole Purpose of Keeping the being Engaged at All Times; to Seek the Equilibrium and to Keep the Equilibrium going, and where Mastery will be to become a Master of Love, and Stay within the Geometrical Equilibrium.[…]

This Principle has been Very Cleverly used to Keep the Physical Reality in a Form of Stable Control. With None of the Beings in Multiple Forms Realising How their Existence has been Systemized to be Followers of Reaction and Instinct. Followers of Pre-Planned Preprogrammed Designs, with Rewards along the Way when Equilibrium Spots are Hit within the Map of the Book of Life.” Bernard Poolman

 

 

 

This is the realization that everything that I judge in another exists within me.

 

Character extraction

 

Continuing from:

 

Self Responsibility and taking it All back to self at the individual level.

Based on the usual judgments I have created upon people that I perceive have something ‘wrong’ in them to, for example, be what I have defined as deliberately ‘evil’ or deliberately ‘deceptive’ or deliberately ‘conflictive’ and perceiving myself that ‘I could not stand such individual’ is demonstrating to me one thing only: where and how I have not yet considered such individual as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from another within the consideration that if the person is too mind possessed, too conflictive, then I don’t want to have anything to do with the person, which is essentially playing what I had criticized in our society wherein those that were mentally challenging to society and deemed as ‘crazy’ or ‘too out of the loop’ so to speak, were exiled and sent out of the main centers of society, as they actually posed a threat to the order, the ‘system’ in itself which I also conceived as a reason to simply not have to ‘deal with’/walk with and actually learn how to assist and support ourselves as individuals that can be mentally challenging when it comes to how we operate in our minds.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become my own denial as in wanting to not face or excuse myself from having to confront/face a part of me as another individual that exists in fact in each one of us that have a mind, wherein when seeing patterns in another that I believe myself ‘incapable’ of doing or not being able to ‘fathom’ them, I go into a helplessness situation toward that point/person/mind that I am in fact then still reacting to within the belief that ‘ I cannot conceive how that can exist in another/ why they say/do things in such ways’ without realizing that who we all are and have become in our minds is essentially the description of being mind controlled, being schizophrenic as in being separated from each other, from our physical body and have become nothing else but ‘agents’ to consciousness, to the mind which we here understand that it has never existed within the principle and consideration of what is best for all because the starting point and origin of our mind was never meant to support our self-realization of being in fact equals and one in this reality and so

When and as I see myself creating a denial/existing in denial based on how I react to another’s mind based on backchat, beliefs, perceptions, assumptions and expectations of ‘how another should act/be by now’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that here I am going into the assumption that people have had to ‘change’ already according to time and process application, without realizing that me reacting to another’s mind possession or patterns is in fact indicating my own patterns, my own reactions that I still have to deal with/walk through which is the whole point here. I realize that it is not about ‘the other person’ as it is all about myself, my own reactions to words/patterns/behaviors that exist within each one of us as mind consciousness systems that even if we know ‘how to support ourselves’ with self-supportive tools, I am here being the proof that going into denial, helplessness, disbelief, disappointment about others is really only about myself that am still reacting to people’s minds, processes and experiences.

 

I commit myself to when facing a person that is in a particular mindset that I have defined as ‘tough’ or ‘challenging’ that I then place myself in the position of understanding which is a practical humbleness that I have to practice wherein instead of looking for someone else to ‘take the ball’ I rather read/hear the person’s words and see how can I best assist and support myself to understand the person and so be able to in turn support another within  placing myself in another’s shoes so to speak – which practically means living humbleness without expectations of ‘what the person should already know by now’ as we have proven ourselves as human beings that ‘lessons learned’ have come and gone and we have repeated the exact same mistakes, which shows then to what extent I have to remind myself that it isn’t as ‘easy’ to change or to expect change from others instead of first working with myself to ensure that I am in fact that point of change and the becomes the living example of how it is possible to walk with and support another as myself, regardless of ‘who’ that another is, ‘what’ they say or how they present themselves as I then recognize and realize at all times that ‘that another person is myself too.’ And this is the essential aspect of facing our equality: nothing of what exists in another is really ‘separate’ from myself, and so

I commit myself to live by the principle of really stopping any expectation upon another, any idea of ‘how another should be/act like/live by now’ within ideas, beliefs or perceptions of who I believe another to be – and instead focus on myself, on actually ensuring that I am not immediately diverting my attention to ‘another’ but to first and foremost focus on myself as it would be kind of pointless to try and ‘support another’ if I am reacting even in the most subtle ways.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to see my reaction as ‘disappointment’ but I realize that this would be like wearing a ‘good doer’ suit wherein it is  perceived as  more ‘benevolent’ to believe I experience disappointment upon myself and others upon who I created expectations about ‘who they are’ but  instead I recognize the ‘disappointment’ as the façade to create a form of victimization, because it’s seen with a ‘better light’ at the eyes of others, but in fact it was just an experience of giving  up, not knowing what to do/how to solve situations and problems wherein I then go into the experience of ‘I do not know what to do/what else to say’ and in doing so, rendering the situation, the person simply ‘gone’ and ‘obsolete’ – which is no different, once again to how we treat mentally ill people in our society, wherein because don’t take the time to walk with them, we simply locked them out, treat them as schizophrenics, paranoids with dissociative personalities and never have in fact taken the time to investigate what they represent as a part of ourselves, as the mind and so to not judge the person as the actual physical living flesh they are, but to simply learn to observe, to recognize the mind for what it is, and so be able to develop ways to assist and support oneself and others to best be able to walk through our mind and to always stick to principle instead of allowing personal vendettas or personal experiences and points taken personal from deviating ourselves from this process wherein for the first time we are doing what has never been done and what we as human beings don’t like doing which is: seeing ourselves as the mind, introspecting, self-investigating, which this includes not only ‘myself’ but also learning how to walk with others, their minds and configurations, to understand how and why they ‘came to be’ who they are as the mind and so never miss the point of realizing that no matter ‘how bad’ or how ‘evil’ I may perceive another, I am only judging another’s mind with my own mind which means that this is a point that obviously exists within me and here to self-forgive.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having harbored throughout many years the idea that because we are in this process, we simply do not ‘intend’ any ‘evil’ against one another, and so in this creating the assumption that because we understand principles, then it’s done, there’s no more frictions or conflicts, backchats beliefs toward one another, but this is simply not so. I’ve realized how much work it actually takes to really integrate this point of self-change and my point here to take self responsibility for is the experience of just projecting my own giving up to another as in ‘not knowing what else to do’ and seeing another as a ‘lost case’ instead of actually realizing that this mind /this person/this situation is actually a gift wherein I am demonstrating and mirroring back to myself where it is that I still have to work with within myself, within my mind, within my expectations and stopping them, within the memories that get activated within me whenever I have been throughout my life subject to any form of another’s mind projection as I see and realize that in the past I accepted and allowed this to affect ‘me’ because I then had no context or understanding of who we are as the mind and therefore

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create the thought pattern of ‘humanity is evil’ when I was in elementary school and I was subject to bullying for being the ‘star of the class’ and have kids stop talking to me or telling me how they were going to ‘defeat me’ and ‘bring me down’ and ‘win over me’ wherein I created an extensive amount of stress, apprehension and general I could say depression at age 7-8 wherein I could not fathom why these kids that were supposed to be my friends, my classmates were ‘getting at me.’ In this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of ‘I rather just not be ‘as good as I’ve been’ so that ‘they’ can have the spot they want and ‘I’ stop being the problem for them’ – without realizing that in this I would have given up on myself and making their words a ‘reality’ as a point for me to make decisions based on what others think/believe/say about myself or toward ‘me.’ So I realized by support of my mother that that was not the way and that I simply didn’t have to ‘listen to others’ but still, this ‘spine’ that emerged from these situations and later on becoming more aware of how we operate toward another as human beings in this world, made me feel powerless toward ‘the evil’ in this world and the actual nastiness and secrecy and deliberate hate that exists between human beings, which is how I then created the experience of being ‘too sensitive’ to these things which is why I then became a ‘hard ass’ so to speak so as to be able to cope better with all of these experiences that I went through while growing up and ‘taking the heat’ of things, while seeing myself in a constant ‘battle’ so to speak, which is why I also developed this mentality of having to be on a ‘defense mode’ most of the times toward those that I perceive are ‘out to get me.’

I realize that this is the modus vivendi that we all have, and that I’m no different to any other individual and I bet we have all created and built up our ‘walls’ of defense so that no one can really ‘get us’ or get to see the actual vulnerability that we all have as human beings, because this is understood as an opportunity to abuse a form of trust, of intimacy and understanding – so I see that because I’ve done this myself, I’ve been there myself, I can then understand why in the mind we tend to automate defense-mode and ‘attack-modes’ toward one another in the belief that ‘we have to defend ourselves.’

The  only thing that requires to be ‘defended’ is who we are as ego, because Life is simply recognized and supported.  

 

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have re-enacted, re-experienced within myself the same experiences of shock, sadness, disbelief and mostly  helplessness toward others such as the memory when I saw my ‘friends’ in school talking to each other’s ears during lunchtime and looking at myself and when I tried to join them, they simply ignored me, which is when I decided that I would have to learn how to be alone – and in this, allowing this secrecy and these backchats and ‘conspiracies’ about me to get everyone in the group to ‘dislike me’ to define ‘who I would be’ toward everyone else which is how I then started developing a constant state of distrust, having very few people as ‘friends’ and generally toward human beings creating this general idea that ‘everyone is evil’ so I could not like or trust people easily, which in a way it was cool as I was seeing the nature of who we are as the mind – but the problem is that I took it personally and I believed that ‘the world was out to ‘get me down’’ and that people wanted ‘my position’ in school/in my life or that ‘wanted’ my life, which lead me to essentially have virtually no friends, specially no ‘female’ friends as I considered that it was easier to ‘get at me’ or get to ‘steal’ the people I liked or my friends – lol which my fear became somewhat true at some point – but I see that this is all just what I have created in my mind, as my memories that I’ve loaded based on that initial disbelief, sadness, helplessness toward others’ words and having taken them personally, and so as a ‘result’ simply managing to become a ‘tougher’ person which was nothing else but the expression I had to ‘pull out’ in order to defend myself and have ‘no one to fuck with me’ which of course is not the solution, as this ‘stance’ of self-defense or being in constant ‘vigilant’ mode also leads us to perpetuate the state of wars within and wars without.

 

So in this I realize that If I am in fact here to embody stability and harmony as myself and toward others, I have to first ensure that I am not conditioning my behavior based on ‘how others act’ and so ‘act as a response To Them’ as this would be then Re-acting, responding, replying, reminding myself ‘who I should be’ toward another based on memories, emotions, beliefs, expectations, assumptions  – all of which is of the mind and all of which I cannot trust when being here with another, reading/hearing/sharing words with another and so in this

I commit myself to ensure that whenever I read something that is directed towards ‘me’ and I perceive it as a form of attack or slander, I stop and I breathe. And I ensure that I am stable and that I am not rehashing my past memories and experiences of ‘not knowing how to deal with this attack’ as in primary school – but instead immediately ground myself within the realization that these words are coming from another mind as part of the mind that I am also existing as, and as such, reacting in any way with fears, judgments, emotions and beliefs is nothing else but perpetuating the problem = not taking self-responsibility for myself, therefore I direct myself then to take into consideration how can I best support that individual and do so the same way I would like it to be done to myself, and actually seeing or ‘reminding’ myself that that person is a part of me that I am here to support as I have vowed to do so for myself in this process.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the façade that ‘everything should be fine’ because ‘there is no conflict’ and as such maintain this belief or experience of ‘everything is cool’ or ‘workable’ and whenever  a point of conflict emerges in my world and reality,  then I go into a form of ‘blame’ toward the person/point that emerged as ‘conflict’ for ‘disrupting the workable/agreeable situation’ which is in fact only pointing to myself where it is that I want to maintain a form of control over how I believe the situation should be, and how even if I have tried to ‘embrace conflict’ there was an expectation of such conflict being ‘solved’ already and so when the point repeats/reactivates I go into a helplessness state as in the belief of ‘this point/person/mind should have gotten it by now’ and so in this actually using  this backchat as an excuse to not FIRST of all look at why have I created such expectations upon ‘others’ instead of first pin pointing the reaction, the experience that leads me to create such backchat in the first place? Why have I accepted and allowed myself to dismiss this subtle reaction within ME and immediately shift it toward ‘another’ which implies a form of righteousness as well: I am right and the other is the one causing the conflict, which is in fact dodging /abdicating my own responsibility first and foremost. 

 

When and as I see myself having the backchat/assumption of ‘This person should have gotten it by now’ I stop and I breathe as I realize that in this I am immediately dodging my own reaction, my own expectations, my own beliefs upon that person/situation and the belief of ‘point being corrected/point is aligned/point will no longer repeat the pattern’ as I realize that in the mind everything that we have become throughout time is nothing else but a broken record where we repeat our same experiences from our very early memories in our lifetime, which I have seen and exposed for myself as well. Therefore I then commit myself to understand the person/situation, rather see what point is emerging now, what point is repeating, why and how can I best assist and support myself first to practice blaming or seeing ‘others’ as the problem, as I realize that obviously no matter how ‘subtle’ these reactions emerge within me, such words when directed as an expectation ‘toward another’ is indicating me that I first have to look within myself and see where I haven’t yet changed/aligned and corrected the point of reaction within myself, which is the whole point here of absolute self-responsibility and taking it all back to self.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the denial of my own secret mind when judging secrecy based on others’ words/actions, without realizing that in this I am once again dodging the realization that everything that goes on in my mind is still somewhat ‘secret’ as in there being no other being but myself in my mind and so by judging/denying/pointing fingers at ‘secrecy’ I am in essence missing out the point that has actually enabled us all to become ‘fearful’ to things like mass surveillance and so forth, which is how we want to ‘keep things secret’ as in hidden agendas where one can still allow backchat and imaginations/fantasies for ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about others which is a form of abuse as I realize that I would certainly not want myself to be subject to or an object of someone else’s mind – so for this, it is to first of all understand that ‘who we are as the mind’ has been the epitome of secrecy, the secret mind as that aspect of ourselves that we have veiled from everyone else, wherein we usually paint a good picture of us while hiding the ‘actual truth’ of ourselves. And so the title of this is ‘the uncomfortable truth’ which is where we believe that we are ‘right’ in our minds, that we are the ones doing the proper assessments, without realizing that when we are in any way judging/blaming/dismissing or denying another as oneself, one is definitely becoming the source and origin of the problem itself, as in the mind nothing can be trusted, in the mind as an immediate and almost ‘quantum’ experience that comes into our physical bodies and permeates our ‘reasoning’ from which we create an immediate response/reaction toward another, is not to be trusted, it is to be actually Stopped, breathed through in order to then assess what is it that’s coming up within me, why am I having this experience in my physical body, and so not attempt to ‘reply’ or ‘react’ to another as a way to ‘prove wrong’ or ‘prove right’ but instead focus on how I can respond in a way wherein I am taking self-responsibility which means that

 

I commit myself to respond to another based on the consideration of themselves as myself, and so first ensuring that I am fully stable, not participating in any experience – and if I was, then I Refrain/stop myself from reacting in the moment – so that I can take the time to assess how it is best to assist and support another, instead of wanting to ‘teach a lesson’ or ‘remind’ another of something that I believe ‘should have been ‘gotten’ by now’ – which is another form of righteousness or superiority when it comes to ‘proving another wrong’ or proving that ‘the point has not changed’ as an excuse to ‘dismiss’ another, which would be like wanting to cut my own arm just because it doesn’t have the strength that I expected it to have, even if I haven’t actually done the necessary work/training to develop such muscle and ensure that I have done all that is required to, for example, have my arm have a particular strength to a particular task or ability in my physical body.

 

I realize that everything that we’ve done throughout our lives in this reality is to dismiss, deny, negate, discriminate, exile, marginalize everything and everyone that doesn’t comply or doesn’t ‘fall’ into the creation of a normalcy which can be of course quite deceptive if not all cards are on the table, which means if oneself hasn’t actually taken absolute responsibility for what one is doing/experiencing/believing and perceiving about others and or the reasons why I would want to not want to see/not want to face/exile or marginalize another within the belief that ‘there is no cure, there is no solution’ which all that comes to mind when writing these words is the image of doctors in mental institutions that keep patients sedated and fully controlled just because we’ve given up on understanding how they got to such mental condition – or with ‘criminals’ that are sentenced to death which is our easy way out in society to deal with our own consequences, to not have to ‘face the dangerous person’ but, really being foolish to not investigate HOW and WHY we have created such mental problems, such so-called ‘criminals’ and why even our definitions of mental illnesses and criminals have been so diminished in our ‘mind framework’ dismissing all of us really that still exist in our minds and that still participate in a world-system where we commit crimes against life as a collective by allowing the starvation and the marginalization of those that we have rendered ‘helpless’ and ‘poor’ and ‘eccentric’ and ‘mentally ill’ and so forth, which are all tags that we create to justify our inability to work with them/walk with them in order to get to point of stability – which, of course, won’t be an easy thing to do, but it is what I would like others to do toward myself if I was in such position/role of being the marginalized, the ‘ousted’ one or the rejected one, as I’ve certainly to some degree have faced such point myself so, I realize that that is what I want for myself and so I have to give it to others that are willing of course to support themselves back, as that’s the essential principle I commit myself to walk here: to support others the way that I would like to be supported myself.

 

I commit myself to stop all assumptions, all projections of ideas/beliefs and perceptions I have toward ‘others’ and ‘who they are’ or ‘Should be’ in my mind, and instead commit to live in the moment where words are assessed in the moment instead of carrying ‘past history’ of a person within myself as a recollection of ‘experiences’ toward ‘them’ to then decide ‘who I am toward the person’ as this is my own conditioning my own ‘program’ that I have to ensure is not interfering with my ability to support another as myself which begins by ensuring I am not tainting another’s words based on the past or ‘who I believe the person to be’ but rather work each time, anew, from the words  in the moment, no past, not future, just here.

 

 

I commit myself to live the word humbleness in practicality within the consideration of others as myself which implies placing myself in the shoes of another, understand ‘where they’re coming from’ ensuring I’m not taking their words/actions/thoughts personally, but that I am able to instead if I see myself able to understand the words, I can most certainly challenge and will myself to support another that I see is willing to support themselves too, as this is how I see that through supporting each other it is easier to face the points and patterns that still exist within ourselves, so this is to not see another through eyes of ‘how changed he/she should be by now’ but to simply work with what is here, no preconceptions, no expectations, no denials, no running away or dodging the point but facing it fully here as it is part of my reality, and that then is of course my responsibility to face as well.

 

I commit myself to live the word gentleness which is a very necessary aspect when it comes to my words and to ensure that I am not in any way creating a defense mode toward another or to prove ‘righteousness’ or want to ‘control’ a situation through any amount of force, as I realize that this is what I have judged from any form of ‘authority’ that I have experienced such form of ‘control’ form, which is nothing else but actual fear that attempts to keep things ‘stable’ instead of facing them and directing them as self – so I realize that in order to live Gentleness  I have to let go of any speck of fear that creates the ‘defense mode’ and so align my words to embody that gentleness, consideration and humbleness to understand another, to support another as I would like to be supported myself and so be willing to embrace all parts of what is here in this world as myself and as points that I require to face if I am in fact to ‘train’ myself to educate myself to support any other person in this world that wants to support themselves back.

 

Further reading:

254. Beautiful Enslavement and Control

 

 

Suggested places to understand more about how to embrace and support the nature of who we have become as our mind:

 

Demonology | Revealing the world of demonsDesteni

 

The History of Desteni and Demons – Part One – YouTube

 

 

DSC00535

 

 

 

To learn more about how to support yourself and another, share, walk with us and become part of the necessary liberation from fighting against each other and instead, become life:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


405. Culture: the Clockwork of our Psychosphere

 We may not change culture overnight, but we certainly CAN begin changing the way that we live and participate in it.

 

Continuing from:

 

  Seeing it from this perspective to me is quite supportive to ponder ‘twice’ any time I go to watch a film or see any works of art and remind myself that what I see is not special, not unique, it won’t give me a ‘breakthrough’ in itself and so stop for once and for all that ‘seeking’ mentality which is more like a habit from the past as I am certainly not looking for any ‘truths’ in it any longer once I have realized I created my own mythology with my art as well, without realizing that there’s nothing new under the sun and that we all use the same symbols and images so it’s just arranging it in a different way to create some meaning and give continuation to the stories – lies – we have been telling to ourselves as human beings to make us more godly or divine, at least that’s what the ‘art role’ was meant to be according to what is taught in academy. Yes, though once you start finding out the nature of such ‘god’ and such elites, well, let’s just say that art can be reduced as well to the most refined form of propaganda of course and now I understand why I had such a hard time realizing that all art had been previously entirely devoted to promote religion or immortalize monarchs or peasants to remind ourselves ‘this is how it’s always been like’ in the absence of the eye that can lie as well as the photographic camera, but hey every age requires its own cementation in our minds through pictures and words, so art served that function.

 

If anything, art has been used to impose symbols, to enslave – hence the ‘mythical’ start of it for magic-religious purposes. Gee, only now I kind of realize the pieces of my puzzle and the absolute diversion I delved myself into, no wonder I was seeking gods in pictures, symbols or philosophies – all part of the ‘inherent’ (read: preprogrammed) need to have someone/something greater than us to make responsible for this entire creation – so, religion is one of the primary mind constructs we all exist as, whether you are atheist or not, it’s part of the unconscious the same way that we believe that fighting for our lives is something that makes sense, or how the rich and the poor is how things have always been and always will be. Art then became the necessary imposition of images to perpetuate religious mentality for the purpose of pacifying/stupefying and sedating individuals while threatening with the ‘wrath of god’ if anyone dared to step outside of the line – well, it was religion back in the day but now it’s just alcohol, drugs, sports, entertainment and big pharma too, but that’s our contemporary story.

 

So, it’s taken me some time to find ‘more reasons’ to write about this art subject and it’s interesting how I had to use other pieces of information to break my own spell, meaning, having to let go of the idea of art as something ‘really human’ or else, as if it was more ‘true’ than anything else we do or say, which can’t be so, because everything we have ever thought, done, spoken comes from who we are as the mind and so we have only learned how to regurgitate the same ‘system’ into pictures, ideas, stories and so reinforce our own cages, which is why understanding one’s enslavement makes it easier to let go of anything one is holding onto from ‘the past’ which is the current automated reality we are living in – it is once again to remind myself that no matter how ‘majestic’ something might look like, it was never meant to glorify or represent life or principles of equality at all, but rather the opposite.

 

An example: writers were contracted to be informed about which topics to write upon, such as space travel, futuristic technocracies, alien invasions and so with doing this, begin an entire new ‘wave of thought’ in the society through these inoffensive tools called books that then eventually turned into movies. The same with films which are formulas to instigate a particular line of thinking and making of the main topics in them something acceptable as part of culture/what goes on in our minds as well – just as it’s happened with porn appearing on ‘mainstream movies’ nowadays as well as sadomasochism made ‘cool’ and we’re on our way to make of pedophilia and all kinds of paraphilias something ‘acceptable’ so that younger generations get the idea that ‘it is okay to have sex with older people.’ This is the current nature of our culture and where we are heading to.

 

Clockwork 2003

 

 

Once again, are we only revealing and making acceptable what always has existed within us as human beings, or are we instilling new behaviors through our culture? I’d say both since we create such fixations in our minds and we simply evolve the experiences to have new contexts, new ‘ideas’ to fantasize upon and so ‘upgrade’ the experience. In the mind we function as addicts that get our ‘fix’ from having something to think about or fantasize about and the initial experiences can get us to quite a ‘high’ but then, we continue ‘pushing the envelope’ because once the energetic reaction becomes normalized (you build resistance) one seeks a greater dose. This is what I see is what we’ve all been following in the media until it becomes absolutely unsustainable or else, what is left there to continue ‘pushing the envelope’ when it comes to our celebritism? To our ‘art’? to our films other than rehashing the same stories over and over again?

 

 

Why do I see this as a very relevant topic? Because I can see myself as a product of the ‘culture’ I decided to immerse myself in, and I mean this as an actual decision I made in my teenage years to soak up the most information about music, books, arts so that I could work on that – why did this happen? It clearly happened after 2001 and the almost paranoid reaction I had toward keeping myself high on CNN watching every detail and every move after 9-11– lol just like those elections where Bush wasn’t able to be clearly defined as the next president and you’d ponder WHY was I watching that? Well, it was my idea then of becoming politically involved. But after realizing the scam it was, I then veered toward that which I thought was more liberating: arts. My very relationships and career decisions were entirely shaped by every single book I read within the starting point of finding some kind of ‘truths’ in them, seeking to identify ‘me’ through the writer’s characters without realizing I was in fact absorbing it all to then rehash it in the form of ‘my own personality.’

 

The same with the music that I developed an affinity for, the stereotypes of individuals praised as ‘artists’ and how I also even trained myself to praise crap art (not literal though) because, well everyone else seems to also like it isn’t it? Lol like my ‘favorite movement’ Abstract Expressionism and Pollock – just praised alcoholics or junkies made stars on the cover of Life Magazine, upgraded to such stardom for a very necessary political move of that time when it comes to consolidating America’s position after WW2, and this would imply that  we only get to know of the artists that somehow have also ‘agreed’ to be part of the establishment – which from my personal aspirations of ever getting to that position means that everything has always been fixed and that no one becomes that famous without hidden agendas. Who knows? Maybe Van Gogh was made such a legend because of his erratic behavior and affinity for absinthe and so, he was made famous to begin instigating  more people to get into drugs to paint in such ways too… because let’s face it: we copy and integrate everything we see around us and if we see something that works to ‘get some success’ going, then we will try and emulate it because it is part of our preprogramming to seek such specialness and ‘uniqueness’ too, and some people like myself would seek it through artistic stardom, others through becoming a stock broker which means: yes, art is not ‘outside of the system’ at all, and the star-system is the learned protocol if one wants to ‘make it’ within the system.

 

 

 modern_slave

Artwork by JL Kenney

 

I actually decided in my early teens to watch all ‘cult movies’ because I was getting myself prepared to be ‘well acculturated’ and went from Pulp Fiction, Taxi Driver, A Clockwork Orange, Scarface, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Trainspotting, Reservoir Dogs and others..  you can see the constant topics there: drugs, criminality and ultraviolence and this is what is a ‘must’ in every movie along with sex if it is to ensure its success, a perfect carrier for imprinting new behaviors which are then copied by ourselves as if it was a mint reflection of our society.  When it comes to books, reading Burroughs, lots of Kerouac, Palahniuk, Coupland while listening to depressive music saying ‘It’s too late now, It’s the devil’s way now’ and watching people like Thom Yorke get ‘depressed’ in his ultra-famous lifestyle pointing out to us that even if you have it all there’s still that depressed state residing within due to being too aware of how things really work, or be told that Kurt Cobain committed suicide for hating this world and wanting to die – which I still consider he was suicided in fact, but that’s another story –  Well no ponder I painted what I painted, I just rehashed what I would read/hear/see around me: Culture!  And nowadays it’s stronger than ever to promote being dumb and stupid as ‘cool’ and having mentality such as ‘You Only Live Once’ and justifying any form of teenage stupidity because Hey, YOLO!  Or seeing the ultra mind controlled Miley Cyrus or some ten years ago Britney Spears breaking the norm of what a ‘lady’ should act/be like and continuing to push the boundaries when it comes to ‘gender roles.’

 

Entertainment was the key influence in my life throughout the time when I was developing my own emotions and feelings which is what I eventually enjoyed ‘losing’ myself into: as a child watching too much TV, as a teenager reading many books, listening too much music from which I learned more about the human mind while developing some rather unusual fascinations with everything that pointed out toward death and destruction, which I later on transposed onto my own paintings wherein I tried to also become part of the ‘shock world’ just because I was so much against what seemed normal and acceptable, so I found my ‘niche’ in society by everything that seemed to go against the tide.  An example is the time when I placed myself to watch some ‘cult movies’ like Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs, I considered them far too violent and could not comprehend how people could revere it, however I then wanted to be part of that world, of the ‘alternative’ or the not so widely acceptable, just anything that could question or challenge what I deemed to be the ‘status quo’ or ‘what is normal’ but, I wasn’t at all aware how it is that these movies were made popular for the very purpose of making sex, drugs, ultra violence part of the mainstream and ‘normalcy’ in our consciousness. 

 

 

The same went on with A clockwork orange, I watched it a couple of times and walked through my own early digestion of the idea of violence being enjoyable for these guys and pondering if others were able to discern that such violence was not in fact something funny or enjoyable and that these guys were sick in the gulliver. However a deliberate problem here is that Kubrick didn’t include chapter 21 on Burgess’ original story, which would have given another twist to the whole plot and shown a real grown up Alex that had transcended his ultra-violent teenage years as that would have ‘broken the spell’ for a film maker that was also meant to create a ‘mark’ in an entire generation and generations to come with the portrayal of violence as something fun to do, aside from the mind control remarks in an attempt to ‘cure’ Alex’s problem, which also gives a hint of what Big Pharma means today in a ‘mentally ill’ person’s life: cure without ever pondering WHY is it that our so called ‘mental illnesses’ exist today more so than ever before, and how we could even legitimize it without any real means to test someone for it?

I guess I could write many things about all of this since it’s part of my so-called ‘visual’ education, but the point here is to realize that nothing is what it seems, there has been no real virtues in this world, we have never been actually alive so anything I ever had respect for of course was just a lie that I wanted to hold on to for some reason, which in this case it came through what I would read in magazines that was considered ‘cool’ and ‘cult movies’ and ‘movie classics’ which actually were on purpose made part of such categories so that any person would then have to watch those movies and get acquainted with the basics that make of Hollywood something profitable till this day.

Will I be able to see things with the same eyes again? No, once the lid is blown off, you can’t. It is no longer a nice story where Jane the girl in American Beauty that would kind of see through the ‘fakeness’ in reality, ‘falling  in love’ and running away with a drug dealer to ‘escape their reality’ I mean, it stops having such romantic twist to it – as I had defined it anyways, lol – and it becomes just another plot where those that could not ‘fit in the box’ become ‘outsiders’ and living in the fringe side of reality.  However I do like to keep watching/reading to continue seeing where and how we have created this mass hypnosis where we have essentially become the personas that we are sold in the media: this is the not so innocent and most pervasive brainwashing and as such, I see it is very important to become more aware of how we ‘entertain’/entrain ourselves, and not end up in denial of that which we wasted our life time on, as I did at some point in my life too when being in a constant hypnosis of watching music videos for example.

 

The point here is demonstrating how we have never genuinely created something that demonstrated an actual point of self-creation in our culture, and of course we haven’t done so because We as individuals have Never in fact considered such starting point possible within ourselves in the first place, to recognize the power and ability to create ourselves, to become better human beings. All we have ever been and done is to exist as the ‘created’ at the mercy of some invisible creator, repeating, revamping, rehashing what has been used since the beginning of time to revere its ‘unfathomable’ existence and creation.  It was in the repetition of symbols, myths & archetypes, ideologies and holy books, behaviors and morals that we have shaped ourselves around the same acceptance of oneself as the mind only and from there, confirm our ‘human nature’ and why we seem to always be so unfulfilled, so miserable, suffering all the time, the ‘pains of living’ and the ‘struggle’ to make a decent living… is this what LIFE is really about or is this what we’ve seen/read/watched it is Meant to be? We have only perverted, tainted and twisted it all further, enhancing our own separation, ignorance, apathy and overall self-destruction through the ‘creations’ we’ve pulled out as arts/media/culture – please see specifically now contemporary art/ post modernism of which I became just a part of by reproducing the same ideas around everything that I would imprint within myself on a daily basis for years on from the TV: death, destruction, decay, suffering, abuse, sexual deviance and learning how to praise this as some kind of ‘truth’ of an individual, almost learning to accept this bs as  the ‘dark side’ that we had to come to embrace and make it more evident to ‘wake up’ but, of course we’ve kind of remained in the phase of becoming enamored with our distractions, our diseases, our paraphilias and haven’t yet given the next step to outgrow it and realize it for the teenage years this implies when it comes to our stages of development as species. Sure, you can be mesmerized by how well done/crafted some works are, but again:  is the starting point of it, the essence  and intent of it something that I can consider valuable or respectable and supportive for our real development as living human beings, to consider what is best for all within the context of self-honesty? No.

 

All seeing eyes 2005

 

In a way it does mirror our reality. Contemporary art became garbage, literal garbage sold as millions, or canned poo which is the most common example of how this ‘devaluation’ or should I say the entire extrapolation of value became yet another cognitive dissonance and part of the plan when art came to form part of ‘desirable collectibles’ by the elite and making some pieces of plastic worth millions of dollars – I correct myself, billions of dollars such as Sotheby’s record sales of 5.8 billion dollars in 2011 –  making it nothing more than just any other asset for people at Wall Street to feel empowered with. It is also very cool for me to see and realize this, and come to see how all those books I read trying to make sense of ‘the movements’ or phases of human expression were nothing else but planned justifications to make it seem as some kind of ‘natural evolution’ of sorts, when in fact it has always been planned specifically to follow through within the context of how the world works at an economic and political level. Let’s not forget it is the current roles of curators and ‘art authorities’ that decide what gets ‘consecrated’ and what doesn’t –  just as in regular HIStory told by the winners, the side of the story that we are meant to adopt and accept as ‘how the story went!’ so that we keep feeding each other lies and keep revering our own masters.

 

IGod

 

 

The current success of our drugged/medicated, dumbed down, fame seeking population suffering from cognitive dissonance, while being dumbfounded at celebritism confirms the effectiveness of our own mind control, accepted, allowed and even praised. When we look at our culture, we can see nothing else but the fulfillment of our own prophecy for absolutely consensual enslavement, one that we buy and choose as part of our personalities and preferences, believing that we can somehow still manage to ‘feel special’ in a standardized society where even ‘subcultures’ or anti-cultures are part of the system, lol. From my own experience, it will take quite some time to wake up from it, as it just took me some 7 years to come to realize this because I had wanted to keep the little idea or dream that these artists were ‘special people’ that had have some genuine ‘revelations’ in their work and what they do, which is what I tried to be a part of, to be the one that could ‘see’ behind the scenes or have some special connections with god –  I am not joking here, when I started painting I also wanted to be the hand of god to reveal something special, lol. But, how could that be without even pondering first if the thoughts, the images, the concepts we had in our minds were in fact our own, including the idea/notion/speculation of GOD itself?

 

 

The same with architecture and every ‘majestic’ construction, of course it was built by slaves but I still wanted to overlook the obvious inherent purposes of such constructions as the physical consolidation of what ‘control’ and ‘power’ looked like, of accepting the existence of massive amounts of wealth to build for the elites, repeating symbols for thousands of years and as such learn it in our history books as if it represented some ‘great work’ or revelation of our ‘who we are’ as species – dismissing the fact that if anything, we could confirm that we have never in fact ceased to exist as slaves, but instead we were taught how to  revere our enslavement. We are all in fact experiencing Stockholm Syndrome and it is rather urgent that we wake up to see how through the seemingly ‘innocent’ we are driving each other to the precipice, starting with child consumerism and the archetypes fed by Disney movies, it’s definitely something to focus on if we can’t at the moment entirely straighten the rest ‘crooked trees’ right away, but children are of primary importance here.

 

I still find it very interesting when I hear someone say ‘to have thoughts of their own’ as if we had our very own copyright to everything we think or say, as if we could create words from scratch. We weren’t even aware how our tastes and preferences were being shaped by ‘the environment’/culture and our lineage/parents which means you would get into it no matter if you went to private schools or else, because having a TV, reading books, watching films, or simply being with your peers would invariably taint you with it.  Drugs were never meant to be ‘liberating’ but the other way around, they were just promoted by these people that told us to ‘tune in and drop out’ while hanging out with artists/rockstars and make everyone drool to such ‘lifestyles,’ never even pondering who was financing some of the greatest ‘rock bands’ in history and virtually any ‘star’ that we have gotten to know of. It’s very simple: if you become famous, if you ‘make it’ it mostly usually means you had to continue playing the role and tell the stories that give continuation to the agenda for further indoctrination and control. This is how we became the useful idiots as human beings that  in seeking for a piece of heaven as fame and fortune, one comes to accept certain ideologies and behaviors, sometimes it’s not even by explicit consent because we then believe that we can innovate by ‘pushing the envelope further’ and ‘be controversial’ or transgressive as if this meant going against ‘the core of control’ as ‘the system’ or religions,  but in fact it is another contained form of ‘rebellion’ to continue misleading ourselves from the actual sources of change, which doesn’t mean dropping the white dove to embrace the raven within, but the consideration of the starting point of why I do this, what motivates me, what do I get from it? Am I supporting myself within this that I am doing/creating? Is my intention to support others and myself through it?

 

Nothing of what we see currently as ‘mainstream’ In our CULTure is spontaneous either, it is manufactured, it is deliberately fixed to promote certain ‘artists’ or ‘artworks’ or ideas through TV shows, so it doesn’t genuinely reflect an ‘evolution’ because there’s NEVER been such self-directive change in our consciousness: we’ve always been herded/guided. And this is yet another aspect to de-mystify about expression and what has been promoted as some kind of ‘spiritual revelation’ in art itself or in Satanism as pop-culture is presenting now: it was never in fact meant to ever represent genuine self-expression, it’s only a chewable way to integrate mind-control and mind possession as ‘normal’ and ‘cool’ while sending any living principles out of the scene and made uncool or ‘old-fashioned.’ 

 

Sacred Mindfucks 2008

 

 

If I hadn’t stopped myself from falling down that precipice of the new age/sacred art culture that I was delving myself into some 7 years ago, I would have probably be enamored with things that Alex Grey’s paintings or aiming to at least be someone like Banksy to be an incorporated and revered form of ‘resistance’ to the system. Everything is literally ‘on our noses’ as the culture we breathe in and out every single day – and there was still a part of me that refused to entirely SEE this or more like placing it into words, as I was still holding on to keeping just this ‘little pieces of heaven’ as the ideas of who these ‘great artists’ had been, and ‘what great inspirations’ they have represented for me and yes I repeat, their work probably is/was or their ideas,  but of course it never meant a life-changing example but more of a conducted and deliberate plan to continue misleading from promoting or making actual solutions part of our ‘pop culture’ or art movements. This is why everything is so contained as if it was prescribed, it’s a preprogrammed plan as well and as such there was no real ‘innovation’ or real creativity involved but prepaid craftsmanship to advance and give specific morals, ideas, en vogue topics as the ‘new directions’ to our human culture and this is what I’m most intensely interested on these days: debunking our culture.

 

Maybe I can learn something from that Chuck Klosterman’s book I read many years ago Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs  to analyze popular culture and see how it is that our fitter-happier mentality in this capitalist ‘mediafied’ system is the ‘filter’ through which we create our relationships, how we interact with one another is entirely manufactured for a specific purpose: to become willfully ignorant and prisoners of our own diversion and distraction as we become addicted to what’s in the ‘psychosphere’/collective unconscious and be a part of our globalized mentality, which I don’t necessarily judge as ‘bad’ but only see all the points that would require to be aligned to be a supportive popular culture, and we are heading in the opposite direction at the moment.

 

So, one point to consider here is that this is in no way to blame those that apparently ‘set the agenda’ as ‘they’ were just part of the game anyways, but rather looking at how I/we accepted and allowed ourselves to become prisoners of our own diversions, of our own emotions and feelings, of our own minds while neglecting to really look at what is it that we are making of ourselves, what have we turned ourselves into and use common sense as a point of reference to see ‘where we are’ in our day to day participation: is what I like, do, follow, commit to what is best for all? Why is it that something as vital as politics and understanding of how the system really works never been part of our inherent ‘culture’? Why have we reduced politics to a mockery? Nowadays politicians seem to be more of a subject for reality shows with the same contest-like popularity mentality structure where one can ‘vote’ for the lesser of two evils and call that a civil duty – so why are no real definitions of politics as in realizing our power to direct our lives and so make effective decisions to benefit ourselves as society?  Oh no! That’s where the real threat exists! That’s why we are constantly taught to hate ‘the elite’ and ‘hate politicians’ and see them as ‘the problem’ while excluding ourselves as co-creators of the problem – that’s the Real problem in fact. And so the importance of always considering SELF-Responsibility in everything we might think or believe that only ‘a few’ are imposing ‘upon us.’ It is as simple as realizing that there would be ‘no culture’ if we – one by one – didn’t actively participated in it.

DSC01882

 

I remember this text of about 50 pages on what ‘Culture’ is when I was in junior high school and now I would reduce the definition of culture to the industry of making behavioral imprints part of a person’s individual and collective identity for the purpose of maintaining old-age status quo with the appearance of evolution or progress while creating a paradigm of ideologies that perpetuate the divide and conquer mentality through the mechanisms of entertainment and arts, which are intended to standardize thinking, behavioral, emotional and feeling patterns in the masses. There has never really been an evolution, but only a change of scenario with words that would indicate ‘progress’ while missing out on the actual newspeak this ‘progress’ entails. How can there be any progress when we still leave out billions of individuals from having access to the most essential needs to live in dignity, such as water, food, shelter, healthcare? This is also to place into perspective in which kind of segmented bubbled mentality we exist in when praising the lavish lifestyles of our rich and famous while disregarding and deliberately ignoring the real problems we have come to accept as ‘normal’ in our world.

 

 Common Sense and Principled Living to consider Life in Equality and What’s Best for All in everything we do/act/speak is what we don’t yet  learn in school and this is why it is so important to start debunking everything we had used as an excuse to justify ‘who we are’ and our ‘human nature’ within ‘culture,’ because culture is still man-made, it is NOT something inherent to our physical bodies, it is not in the air we breathe, it is not in the food we eat – no matter how contaminated or GMO’d it can be – it is all about who we are in the mind and what we decide to participate in. Human Nature and ‘Culture’ have become the greatest excuses as to why it is apparently ‘impossible to change’ now, it is a comfortable lie we like to tell ourselves, so we have to being there before attempting to call others ‘liars’ isn’t it? That’s where self-integrity and self-honesty begins.

 

It’s time to debunk my own perceptions of what art was supposed to be and to understand that even if I had the intention to ‘see beyond the veil’ the very fact that I wanted to hold on to some apparent ‘good’ things I had believed were a virtue in some individuals and human creations like in art made me want to hold on to certain aspects of my own cultural conditioning from which I developed my personality, my taste in men, the lifestyle I wanted, the kind of music, TV, books and everything that I previously regarded as , ‘the who I am’ within the social-soup of reality which is the way I shaped myself to be as who I am as my mind. I bet that everyone can relate to identifying oneself to one character in a movie, in a book, or with some artist and even emulate the way they lived their lives or trying to mimic ‘how they got to make it’ in the world. Another example of this manufacturing of culture is how suddenly certain things would become available and so ‘openly’ talked about in the mainstream like with the hippie movement and psychotropic drugs, sexual openness, the apparent female empowerment and the tune in-drop out ‘living’ mode which gave another step toward the new age movement. Little did I know there was nothing really ‘special’ about that in the sense of human consciousness suddenly ‘evolving’ or us finding some kind of ‘gate’ to the heavens lol, but instead it is about seeing how these were specific experiments conducted by the CIA to precisely get an entire generation interested on drugs, spirituality and the ‘unseen’ as well as feeding addictions rather than ever getting closer to finding out real ways to make of our lives in this world-system better, such as politics or becoming familiarized with the ways the money system operates, who decides how we conduct our social-programs, why do we we even limit ourselves in our economic systems and so forth.

 

 art-should-be

 

 

There have been many, many things that have suddenly become a point of focus and attention in our lives, because it is constantly talked about of and/or advertised and so we diminish ourselves to be receptors and regurgitate what we watch on mainstream media, and then ponder why ‘everyone’s talking about…..’ similar topics. Well, there’s no magic in that. I made the experiment myself some years ago when I deliberately would not watch anything about pop culture, I didn’t even know who Lady Gaga was until late 2010 and dared to listen to the music, but before that I only got to know of the name and person through the covers of magazines that I would see while making a line in the supermarkets in South Africa. So, it is possible to be ‘out of the loop’ of course if you step outside of mainstream TV, radio and not visit such pop culture websites. However because right now we are so plugged into everything that is constant ‘news’ and celebritism, you get to know of these individuals whether you like it or not, it’s just all over and one can ignore it, but you can’t avoid seeing the pictures everywhere. So this is how we move ourselves en masse to keep enticing  ourselves to upscale our own obsessions and diversions from ever considering what it is that our lives would be without such entertainment? Maybe we would start actually focusing on why we have to constantly suffer, strive and really exist as slaves that only worry about money and fearing to lose our jobs.

 

It is essential to get ourselves out of this survival mode if we want to ever get to a point of providing to each other a dignified living, and most of the time we rather have a joystick between our hands or hypnotize ourselves with Netflix marathons rather than taking some of the multiple sources in the internet and start scratching the surface to understand why do we live in such a dog-eat-dog world? How have we created this nature of the system? What can we do about it? Which would in fact then be us realizing that politics IS what should have always been part of our culture, it IS what should have always formed part of our essential education: to realize each one of us has the power to create oneself and as such direct our reality in a way that is beneficial for all.

So, by saying this we can already see that we have been ‘living’ in a deliberately concealed or fabricated version of our reality to precisely Not dig into these topics, to Not see behind the glitter and glam that we are constantly fed with by the surreal lives portrayed on television.  So, this all indicates to myself that as I now see, realize and understand with more clarity than ever before, it is my responsibility as a human being, as part of this creation and part of the problem to support myself and be a point of support for others that also want to start taking the veil off of their eyes. This is the real apocalypse time, the time of revealing to ourselves all the lies we have bought and sold as ‘our culture’ for example, and how it is this very ‘culture’ that has become the very virus we all get infected with by getting high on the experiences we choose to get from it, getting lost in the fantasy realm of the fictions that serve for multiple purposes leading to a greater distraction and diversion from ever considering doing something more substantial to really change the world.

 

It is so true to say that the real revolution won’t be televised, and everything that once was ‘revolutionary’ or ‘alternative’ becomes mainstream and so gets sucked into the system again, nor do I mean the type of revolution with guns, protests and machetes – but the revolution of who we are as our minds. So, I do not actually oppose getting mainstream if these ideas proposed here start becoming the usual awareness of how this world really operates; in fact, the more and more we start collectively seeing this, the more and more difficult it will be to buy just any lie, to fall for the same Hollywood crap we are sold in order to upgrade and instill ‘new ideas’ of what we are meant to be thinking about now. There’s nothing new really, we have reached the end of ‘creativity’ and it is now the time to start creating a New Living Culture of Life, one where we make of self-responsibility a necessity to coexist in dignity, a culture of principles where we can support each other to live and stop losing ourselves in emotional mindfucks and enhancing our obsessions.

Our human nature has never certainly been benevolent, but praising its malevolence will only get us further down the hole. So if I see this, if you see this: it is us that have to change how culture is created nowadays. And how to do this? You may ask, well, it’s not to merely ‘change’ what is created, but changing ourselves, changing who we are as the creators and participants in this reality which will determine the nature of our creations, that’s the real birthing as life creative process we’re talking about here, and I want YOU to join us in it.

 

 

 

I forgive myself that I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that all aspects of what I had called ‘culture’ as a way to ennoble ourselves as human beings was in fact nothing else but the show off of our very core programming, all based on personalities that were in fact also used to give continuation to certain ‘phases’ in our own mind control or self-awareness diversions such as books, music, films that I once believed were a ‘reflection’ of ourselves –  and they are – however they also were in fact great instruments of conditioning and imprinting of certain behaviors and ways of looking at the world to the point where every person that has had contact with this ‘culture’ of watching movies or reading books or ‘admiring’ artists has had that point of self-identification toward them as if they represented something noble in fact to copy or integrate as a role model or something to aspire to – which might be in certain cases – but in my own experience this is how I learned to be comfortable with violence, decay and pushing the boundaries of what I would deem as ‘acceptable’ based on the idea that the more the envelope was being pushed within me, the more ‘in’ or ‘Avant-garde’ I could become myself, which is nothing else but just having pushed myself to make even the most hideous things ‘acceptable’ and part of subcultures which I did had a reticence to accept as ‘normal’ yet, because of seeing the amount of people that would like certain kind of images or personalities or so called paraphilias, then I believed that we had to embrace our ‘evil’ or our ‘dark side,’ and all of this knowing within myself that it wasn’t really ‘okay’ but because it is part of our society then, I made it ok on purpose so as to not seem ‘out of the loop’ with what my ‘culture’ seemed to be moving on to.

 

Something that I begun noticing from the time that I began watching cable TV which is 20 years ago, is that at least in something like MTV everything started becoming more and more outrageous to the point of scandalous and plain degenerated, however it was made ‘cool’ because of the idea of ‘art’ and ‘avant-garde’ and post-modernism and all of these tags that I actually believed were pretty much ‘in tune’ with what we are witnessing in our societies, not realizing that within looking at what was first the chicken or the egg, they simply represented more ways to continue ‘shocking’ ourselves and accepting violence, depravation, sexual morbidity, the lack of any values as something that was part of ‘my generation’ and so actually beginning to also see myself as part of that ‘lostness’ that was portrayed everywhere and the lostness that sought to get high, to have sex, to ‘live life’ through alcohol and feeling like there is no way out in this life other than becoming a junky or ultimately commit suicide as it was staged to be seen from some of our generation’s pop-culture heroes like Kurt Cobain  – I mean all of these personality traits somehow I felt Identified with it to the point wherein you can look at my book collection, and a great amount of them will have the topic of drugs, dharma bums, of spiritual outcasts, off-griders, shockers like Miller, Burroughs, Ellis, Bukowski and the usual Sartre just to make myself push my own boundaries. No matter how much they seemed to ‘tell the truth’ it could also be them supporting these personalities and making them ‘known’ to everyone else as ‘how the youth is’ which is a double way to portray reality and reinforce the same patterns/behaviors/traits which are not necessarily self-supportive. I didn’t find any ‘truth’ or practical self-supportive views on life in them – the same as with Coupland or Palahniuk’s book through which I would rather confirm my supposed state of ‘outcastism’ I caged myself in, no matter how much I enjoyed them, it was all just programming reinforcement – all of it just served as sugar for my personalities, to upgrade them and upgrade the addiction.

“Outcasts may grow up to be novelists and filmmakers and computer tycoons, but they will never be the athletic ruling class.”
Chuck Klosterman, Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto

 

There you go, our ‘truths’ made quotes.

 

 

Here’s to my process of self-debrainwashing:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever define myself according to the characters I enjoyed in books, the artists and their attitudes such as standing ‘against the system’ while actually denigrating themselves to a low-lifestyle just to ‘not depend on a government’ for example, which is just the same mentality of ‘the dreamers’ and the people that so-called could stand ‘free’ or ‘be the resistance’ and ‘never fit in’ through creating art, without realizing that this mentality of ‘the outcasts’ – of which I read several books on – the ‘rebels,’ the ‘anti-system’ musicians, the depressive mentalities that I became so engulfed in to the point where I missed my own life while just becoming addicted to feeling ‘down’ wherein I have found it difficult to allow myself to enjoy myself, just because of how much I reinforced my pessimism, my gloomy view on life based on the types of preferences that I developed as a child from age 7 and on, within the idea that this was the ‘cool stuff’ that I had to make myself like that ‘fringe’ side of reality just because I initially would be shocked by it to the point wherein I would go from the fear/shock to the attraction and then integration of it as part of ‘who I am.’ In this I was aware how I went ‘pushing my own envelope’ for the purpose of being special, being unique since people my age as my peers weren’t ‘into the stuff’ that I was into back then, which made me feel that I could see beyond the happy-go-lucky mentality and that somehow the dark and mysterious was ‘more real,’ which in a way it is just defining myself according to the good/bad essential separation mentality in which we have caged ourselves throughout ages, to always be in conflict with one another and within ourselves.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was being ‘true to myself’ by being a rather pessimist person and with an obscure view on life based on what I saw was also ‘con-firmed’ by others like writers, musicians, filmmakers that I believed could ‘understand me’ but in fact we were all just acting out on our emotions and feelings and not really doing anything else other than what we were meant to do, such as feeling helpless to do anything for our lives and world, following our preprogrammed personalities while using ‘culture’ as a way to justify our copy-paste of ‘trends,’ personalities, ideas, beliefs, preferences and then! Even dare to create relationships based on these preferences, which is something I did and that I consider many people do, which is once again only creating relationships and ideas of ourselves based on what has kept the entire ‘show’ running as is without opening up real possibilities for change, because in holding on to this so-called ‘art’ and ‘culture’ I was in fact limiting myself from seeing the actual potential we have as real self-creation, which is then stopping following ‘the leaders’ and ‘trends’ that are manufactured or trying to ‘fit into’ certain personalities, but instead focus on changing the starting point of everything we do/act/speak on, changing our lives from copycats to self-creative individuals without any need for ‘external reinforcement’ to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to focus on all ‘the bad’ and that which I believed we refused looking at or realizing as a way to ‘wake us up’ but now, that’s also become part of ‘the norm’ and so developing a kind of ‘resistance’ or immunity to any form of shock, which is why I realize that utilizing images to shock even more is just not doing the work any longer. This is then about developing new ways that involve thinking out of the box as in thinking outside of the morality of the good vs. the bad and start focusing on living principles within our self-creative abilities.

I realize that in order to create any life-supportive art, the creator itself must walk through this deconstruction process him/herself so that one is deliberately then willing to contribute with one’s words, action to the creation of a world that is best for everyone as our common aim at this moment in our world. And this will imply also the exposure of the fallacies that we have revered as our history, and so forgiving that past fuckup and see it for the propaganda that it was as a creation of ‘the winners’ in the world, and so build a new culture of life that involves self-education, self-improvement through learning more about what it means to live within Self-Honesty and learn how to honor each other as life. This is not ‘uncool’ this is what we have pushed ourselves to see as ‘uncool’ or ‘outdated’ but that’s the key to a genuine change in our mentality and so in our reality.  We need books, we need films, we need music, we need plays, we need visual works that can be tools of support for this process of self-revelation or ‘the revelation’ process which can also expose the art of the past for what it was, what was its purpose, its consequences and so make each other aware that we have collectively used something as culture to continue ‘pushing the envelope’ and not questioning further the type of fascinations or addictions that we simply came to ‘embrace’ as part of our lives as that would make us ‘avant-garde’ or ‘keeping up with our times’ in the illusion of progress, which were in fact fabricated for the purpose of preventing us from actually focusing on that which matters, which is getting to know ourselves, developing self awareness and becoming individuals that can genuinely break the patterns from the past in all aspects of ourselves as there is nothing I can hold any form of respect, devotion or admiration from ‘our culture’ in the past, because we didn’t use it to share with each other how to actually live and become our fullest potential as species.

I now understand this ‘letting go’ of something that I had wanted to hold on to as part of my self-definition. And I can see that this is part of the ‘programming’ that I had to shed over time which in itself is part of my process in order to not only see it as ‘preprogramming’ but understanding how this culture that I had become fond of was never meant to support ourselves and each other to realize ourselves as life. This is what we have conditioned each other to by our own acceptance and allowance and such, it is now when I decide to understand more about the world-system picture so that I stop revering that which was never meant to be supportive for life.

 

 

brainwashed

 

Support yourself to learn more about the Culture of LIFE:


404. Deconstructing Culture as Myself

 

As I continue my self-investigation it seems that realizing the fact that we all have been preprogrammed individuals following a very specific ‘plan’ that involved conditioning ourselves to become a certain role/personality in our minds and never question it,  wasn’t still completely grasped within me when it comes to seeing culture and how it has been specifically designed to support particular agendas that have led to various ‘cultural movements’ that within me I still wanted to believe were attempts of us as human beings trying to ‘break-through’ or ‘break-free’ – lol – but mostly managing to break ourselves further through imprinting certain behaviors, ideas, concepts, morals, ‘world vision’ that became actual distractors in the sense that none of these points would be useful or supportive for a genuine change in this world, but instead it was the patterning and standardization of what we would think, what we would understand as ‘freedom’ and what we would find entertaining or alluring in our lives, which is also containing the ways in which we see/define/categorize and think ourselves and everyone/everything else, which is mind control through the most ‘subtle means’ such as television/media/arts and everything that is usually reached by the average person, even if such person doesn’t go to school for example.

 

All of this was part of the ‘greater plan’ to be perpetually enslaved to our own constant desire to experience, to be ‘hooked on energy’ so to speak which is what we accepted as our every day living, our every day ‘drive’ and motivation to go to work, do the exact same things every day to earn a living and then come home and be able to relax while getting ‘updated’ on ‘what is going on in our minds’ which is what then becomes part of your passive indoctrination into new fascinations, new obsessions, new desires to consume, body types, new personalities, new things to essentially get ourselves occupied with in our minds which became a self-inflicted way to accept and allow ourselves to dive into complacency of how this system operates, since we mostly came to conclude that ‘As long as I can have my free time to do whatever I like doing to relax and entertain myself and those around me are protected ($),  who cares whatever else is going on in the world?’ – we even have gotten to the point of praising our enslavement by idolizing those that we have accepted and allowed as ‘masters’ in our world and gullibly thinking that we can someday reach/rich ‘that top’… without realizing the system is structured to not allow anyone else to get to such positions, but be constantly reminded ‘they can’ if they just hit the jackpot like stars do nowadays with reality shows, singing contests and whatnot. It’s All around us and no matter if kids are homeschooled, kids will still be having a TV, internet, peers that will simply be also the product of all of this so, we have to establish principles in order to direct ourselves within it and so the younger more impressionable minds too.

 

DSC00397

 

In my case I linking what should have been rather obvious to me from the time that I became more ‘acquainted’ with TV at the age of 7, specifically cable TV and American TV Channels. But also from the books that I read throughout my teenage years, I was still holding on to them and the writers as proof of what I believed was an attempt of us to ‘breakthrough’ or ‘step out of the system’ when it comes to human creativity and other creations like music, fine arts, films – all of the ‘marvels’ of the world that I once saw myself being ‘inspired by’ in order to overcome my own inner conflict which was in fact first of all created by everything that I began watching on TV as I had no actual ‘worries’ in my life as such. I can say I am a genuine product of spending childhood watching MTV for example. So, I’ve been finding out how it is that these ‘artists’ were in fact used or let’s place it in a more tangible way: their own creativity was rather used in order to further certain agendas related to ‘pushing the envelope’ when it comes to instilling ‘new’ ideas, personalities, fantasies, personalities, ‘ideologies’ and even addictions within people, all of it paid with what is called fame and fortune wrapped in the package of ‘celebritism’ or artistic personalities or eccentrics that portrayed the apparent ‘perfect ways’ to ‘escape the system’ – to present the illusion of ‘yes, anyone can get to the top!’ or ‘Anyone can beat the system and escape!’  and bam! There I went, right into it as far as I could when I was into aiming at doing/becoming like certain personalities and doing what they did and living their life.

 

Now within this there’s also a point to consider how it is not only some evil cabal’s plan to complete their ‘great work’ and have all these stereotypes, morals, behaviors, ideas being imprinted in everyone’s minds through manufacturing culture and all of us believing that artistic manifestations were evidence of ‘man’s evolution’ – which in essence as such, evolution is just consciousness upgrading itself, which means there’s no real Self-Awareness in it, just new ‘trends’ that could be sold to people in an attempt to fulfill the constant desire to progress, to advance, to ‘become better’ – lol – not realizing we haven’t ‘evolved’ an iota from the moment of our creation, only the scenarios have changed and we have seen our ‘technology’ create the illusion that we have changed, but we haven’t, at all.

 So this is to understand that the history we have been taught in schools of course is taught by the winners, those that have created the wars and have perpetuated the idea of how a god would choose who the monarchs would be, and so forth – all of it which was usually ‘backed’ by the evidence of artistic creations used as another alibi to confirm certain theories of our evolution. But in reality, a lot of it has been transfixed in order to suit certain theories to, once again, advance certain notions of evolution, of real change and human refinement, simply to continue justifying what we have as ‘arts’ today which have mostly become part of the dumbification or downgrading of ourselves as individuals in order to promote carelessness, apathy, destruction, chaos, mental disorders, the destruction of any value or principle but only shock and disturb to such an extent that it becomes a ‘norm’ nowadays in what we call our entertainment, which is really entrainment.

Once we get to know of the actual history – through currently non-institutionalized sources of course – of how our culture has been engineered as a necessary tool of propaganda to back the ‘story’ of ‘how things are/how they have been’ and paving the way to ‘how things will be’ there is no doubt that we are continuing to lock ourselves in these ideals based on what we get/absorb from the media/environment around us, which is nothing else but the same mind patterns made ‘enjoyable’ just like junk food that one can get addicted to: it tastes good, you then crave for it but nevermind really getting to know about the lack of nutritional content.  In essence our culture has become the glorification and legitimization of ‘our human nature’ as ‘who we are as the mind,’ separated from reality into the fictional stories that we could spend our entire lifetime creating of ourselves as personalities, as ‘characters’ in our own ‘movie’ that we actually begun thinking we had to create as ‘our lives’ and ‘our relationships.’ It’s been very interesting to me to see my own brainwashing and how my own relationships, my own thoughts/ideas/fixations were all imprints that I took from music, music videos, books, TV shows and essentially immersing myself in a culture that I wanted to belong to at the time – American Culture – because of loathing ‘my own culture’ which is what I had then perceived as the low-life Mexican Culture and as such never realizing I was actually then going to be my own reference as to ‘who one becomes’ when continually watching American TV, which I did for the most part from age 7 till probably 15-16 or so.

 

DSC00371

 

CULTure is the perfect way to entrain ourselves into consciousness, ‘what everyone is thinking about’ and ‘what’s talked about’ which comes in the form of our news, TV shows, movies, music, etc. containing components as behaviors, personalities, thinking patterns, fashion, attitudes, morals, obsessions, addictions, etc. – all of it having ‘profitable’ purposes but goes beyond that and into the necessary role of providing the ‘circus for the masses’ to ensure that this time, the Holy Roman Empire does not fall for not giving enough bread and circus to the people. One only has to have a look around us and see that it’s easier to talk to someone about a TV show than politics or economics; it’s easier to strike a conversation with someone about a movie than it is to discuss our emotionally driven tendencies to buy products as way to compensate for some kind of ‘emotional need.’ Culture has always been the way to perpetuate a mindset, a way to legitimize ‘how life is lived’ and ‘how things are done,’ what is ‘cool’ and what is not, which essentially consolidates our usually used as an excuse to not change ‘human nature’ – culture is its own PR campaign that we are then taught in schools as part of our history and ‘ethics’ so that we are reminded that ‘there’s ALWAYS been someone at the top of the food chain, there’s ALWAYS been slaves that are disempowered, deal with it, try to always aim at the top and enjoy the show while it lasts.’

Currently if one cannot see the actual agendas for further depravity, lack – because they were never ‘lost’ of any living principles and the ‘Do as Thou Wilt’ mentality to give continuation to our ‘age old’ culture, one must be very, very brainwashed – not to worry though, it’s not too late yet. Nowadays sexual depravity is the ‘norm’ when it comes to the idea of ‘sexual liberation’ and female empowerment means stripping down in front of crowds and being praised by millions as some kind of ‘queen.’ Another example is how within our ingrained desire to ‘feel free’ the idea of ‘the rebel’ or the ‘anti-system’ became part of the social engineering process to always contain and control any form of actual break-through within individuals, which is the predictable way of acting if you see that something is ‘not right’ and your are being abused, you then aim and attempt to ‘break free’ from the oppressor by opposing, judging, antagonizing and denying it, revolting against it which are all the ‘anti’ movements that have become part of the systematic and predictable antithesis processes to actually Contain the people within such stance/roles and behaviors for which ‘the system’ as we have all co-created it was always ready to thrown back some ‘solution’/synthesis to further control. It’s just following what Lenin said in the lines of If you want to control the opposition, take the head of it, and you can see that all ‘leaders’ and role models in arts and so-called revolutionary people have been also part of perpetuating the same status quo, even if they were not aware of.

 

DSC01703

 

To prove this point in terms of realizing how our culture has not been one that supports life, I bet that you have most likely never seen a movie pointing out how life is not about participating in our own mind as thoughts, emotions or feelings… or becoming self-responsible, or empowering each other to become the actual directors of our lives, of how poverty could be eradicated if we all partake in political solutions – not just one lucky good-doer leader here and there – not at all, instead we create the opposite and as such, it becomes what occupies our mind at a conscious level, it’s what suits our ‘human nature’ which is that of blame, vengeance, victimization…  just look at V for Vendetta that became the brainwashing mechanism for everyone at Occupy Wall street believing they had some kind of ‘power’ to oust ‘the bankers’ while seeking revenge – lol, fascinating how MOVIES are in fact dictating how we even ‘revolt’ nowadays, isn’t it? Not to mention the masks that became part of protests since 2011 and specifically the ‘anonymous movement’ are copyrighted to Time Warner, thank you for your contribution to one of the five top corporations that run the media in this world – wink, wink. How have we accepted and allowed to become SO predictable and SO Brainwashed and still fall for it? Easy, the same culture has become the only ‘soup of thoughts’ we all swim in.

 

 

This is precisely WHY ‘going against the system’ is just becoming the predictable pattern within the foreseeable attempts to ‘break free’ from our minds which is just playing the role of becoming the dark pole to the white counterpart or ‘going in the opposite direction,’ confirming our ‘dialectic’ predictable mentality that was also part of what ‘great philosophers’ left on Earth…  it is really only giving a name to the mechanisms in which we operate in our own minds – no big discovery, only making visible what we already exist as in our polarity mind-constructs of good and bad, right and wrongs, positive and negatives caging ourselves into oblivion within Energy and the illusion of ‘breaking free’ – all of it being the ‘building blocks of the illusion’ that we can call culture formed by the massive distribution and repetition of ideologies, images, sounds = all created in and as the image and likeness of who we are as the mind and its mechanisms, hence the importance of knowing thyself and becoming Aware of what one thinks, what principles one lives by, how we created our personality, what are our goals in life and where did we take those ideals from? Why do we dress a particular way? Why do we like a particular set of movies? Why do we Feel differently toward things, people, places, music …. There are so many theories and attempts to debunk the origin of our culture and all I can remember from it is that as human history it ends up when ‘hitting a wall’ where no man has gone beyond – before 2006 – and attributing everything to god or a creator and as such, for example seeing the origin of art as having some kind of magical-religious purposes…. Oh yes, that means core programming for enslavement within the idea of ‘higher someone’ dictating everything we do and because we could not understand it, we came to draw it or paint it or sculpt it so that it would later on become our way to solidify the same plot of what we have come to accept and allow as ‘how things have always been,’ and even learned how to revere it as well! That is us at the dawn of our species, and that is still us at the time as well. No evolution has taken place whatsoever.

 

DSC01653

 

Coming back to my own case here, it’s cool and rather necessary for me to debunk what I see I had wanted to hold on to as some kind of belief in ‘human creativity spark’ or a bit of ‘romanticism’ when It comes to human expression and sure, the works and creations themselves can still be very well done, but it’s definitely not something ‘special’ or as an attempt to ‘break through’ some kind of programming – lol –  it’s rather the opposite. Once one starts seeing and understanding the ‘big picture’ and how these personalities or built-up stars play a role within the whole scheme and get to understand who paid them, for what purpose, within the context of which agenda, any remains of romanticism or ‘out of the box’ hopes upon artists just goes down to the drain as it should, because it was never ‘real’ anyways, it was never intended to honor and support life, so why praising something or someone that I personally only used to confirm my own existence as a mind consciousness system that absorbed all of this knowledge and information to further myself down my own mythological rabbit whole? It’s pointless.

To me this is a bit ‘late’ to realize in my process with such clarity, but better later than ever breaking through yet another ‘layer’ within the experiences, ideals and fascinations held within me as part of ‘my personality’ created in the image and likeness of the illusion; what I mean by ‘illusion’ are my experiences, my own responses toward certain artists, books, films, arts in general which means, how I FEEL and how I would See myself in relation to ‘what is of this world’ and what ‘suit’ I wore most of the time to be in it. I also see that I can apply this same realization to any other point or aspect in reality toward which I had held some ‘special value’ upon and instead see it  within self-awareness for what it physically is,  realizing that there’s no ‘grandeur’ in anything in this reality at the moment that I could genuinely ‘praise,’ because everything that we’ve ever done as humanity and our ‘culture’ specifically has been engineered within the context of our preprogrammed reality, of revering the mind and system that it is in our outside world – but never life which is what I actually ended up doing for myself: I found ‘my place’ in the world in a comfortable cage where – If I had continued down my ‘preprogrammed path’ – I could not at all have affected real change, because arts as I now see, in order to become really ‘famous’ and revered, you cannot genuinely destabilize the status quo, and so all the people I admired and I believed made some advancements really only landed themselves in jails or ended up as drug addicts, alcoholics, committed suicide or fell for the path of fame and glory as it is still apparently ‘too hard to refuse’ when you can sign a pact with the devil to get everything you want and ‘make it’ in this dog-eat-dog world. We have all become preys of our own emotions, feelings, desires and wants, yet we believe that that is the key to a fulfilling life, to ‘get it all’ when it is in fact that way in which we are imprisoning us all at the moment, disregarding the fact that if I take more for me, I am in fact leaving another without any.

This is a lengthy point to me as I chose to and wanted to become part of culture as a creator of it, so I chose to study a career dubbed as ‘creator of culture’ which is arts, visual arts and for the most part I’ve seen how ‘arts’ in general are being used as the circus to entertain, to further decay, to instill new ‘ideologies’ and ideas with which we most likely end up much worse that we already are doing in our overall human decay we’re living in. This too can be changed and I see this IS the point I can certainly do not only for myself, but for anyone else that’s realizing the same propaganda-role that art has taken throughout our known history of it.

 

So, this is not over yet, it’s only just begun. I would actually challenge and/or suggest to you reading this to look at which character either from a film or book, what artist you idolized or ‘wanted to emulate’ for some reason and why, what kind of ideology from a certain movie or series you could ‘identify’ with and decided to make it your own by becoming/acting/speaking/wanting to look like someone you saw on the TV, a film, a book character, an artist, etc. The more and more we start considering the seemingly subtle ways in which our behavior and what we claimed to be ‘our own personality’ has been influenced by the media and entertainment we participate on a constant basis, the more we will be able to realize to what extent we are STILL accepting and allowing the continuation of the problems in this world by realizing that our current culture is not one of self-support and honoring each other as life, as equals – but instead we are using it to perpetuate and upgrade our own alienation from the matters that should have always been part of our culture, which begins with self-awareness of who we are in ourselves as our mind and How we are contributing to the creation or destruction of our reality with the ways we act, speak, think within our lives and toward others.

 

This will continue …

 

DSC01821

 

Are you mind controlled? Test yourself here:


402. Who am I within Abuse?

I’ve been looking at the word abuse for quite some time now and how we are so used on ‘calling out abuse’ but never really understanding the process as SELF-abuse at all times.

Why do I keep coming back to this topic/word or aspect of ourselves? It seems to be a point within me that I’ve explored only through reading books, using images to depict the consequences that I believe/believed we deserve for abusing ourselves, each other and the planet and how the most shocking revelations within my life came to be within the realization of every single point of abuse being in fact my own expression as well – how? through the understanding of the mind-mechanics, the processes that take place in my mind toward myself, my physical body every time that I participate in thinking, becoming emotional and essentially as we know the usual functioning of our body which also requires energy to exist. The sheer relationship of Energy and how it is created implies a process of friction in order to be created. You can imagine the creation of fire by rubbing to sticks which is essentially creating friction so that the sparks can ignite the dry wood into fire. This is a rather elementary explanation, but this is to understand how it is that the creation of energy in itself is not a self-supportive process – once you burn the twigs or wood, you consume it, it transforms into ashes. Well, the same happens with ourselves and our bodies with all the energy we create every time we participate in the mind through emotions/feelings or thoughts that are also charged with an experience in them. Essentially we create our internal ‘oil spills’ in our body, even when one can get angry for calling out abuse so, this is how it is rather necessary to understand this process of SELF-Abuse before even being willing to ‘call out on abuse’

 

Facing the Evil of OUrselves

 

 

Energy is also the motive, the driving force in our outside world and we’ve even created a structure, a belief system to represent it, it is the monetary system that we’ve used to essentially control and define power, and as such we have enslaved us through making it only available to those that work hard for it – apparently – or those that can give themselves the right to print it by their divine hand. Is that abuse? Well yes first of all because we’re using trees to create such ‘money’ but also because it is meant to precisely limit the access to our living resources. It is thus why we are so bound to it, we live in constant fear of survival and that’s for sure another way of abusing each other through this structural violence we have created as our current world system where either you work and/or cheat or die.

Isn’t that the sheer definition of abuse? Yes, it is and we collectively participate in this religion, where we have collectively decided that ‘some’ must have all the control over it, while the rest live a life of misery, struggle and suffering to get that paper that some can simply print or put in as numbers in a bank account…. Yes, you as I can breathe after saying/reading this as one can see the level of abuse that is accepted and allowed yet legitimized as ‘how things operate’ apparently, with no ‘change’ being made possible.

 

Now, what I’ve found throughout this process to be a challenge is to not create separation towards those that I’ve defined as abusive, even though one can find out and see the evidence of such abuse and can even witness with one’s own eyes – ‘they’ the ‘abusers’ are also myself. This is a humbling experience, maybe one that initially I would not want to fully embrace as it’s become such an ingrained thing to just ‘point fingers at another’ and blame them for what they’ve done, to be disgusted at ‘them’ but there is really no ‘them’ here – ‘they’ are also myself, yet at the same time each one will be individually accountable for what each one has accepted and allowed and how such point of abuse affected the totality of what is here.The shame, the guilt, the regret, the damnation upon myself and everyone else that stemmed from that moment I’ve rather turned it into a test for my stability, an opening, an awareness to get to know of and investigate any other form of abuse that I had previously neglected as part of myself as well.

 

We do it to ourselves

 

Seems we haven’t gotten sufficient consequences already in our world and reality because we haven’t changed much even with major threats of even our own extermination if we continue to live in these abusive ways.

So far, investigating the abuse, the evil, the abject of our reality is rather  of empowering too as a point where we no longer fear ourselves, our real nature but instead can – for a lack of a better expression – embrace it, understand it and within such understanding, finally be able to self-forgive it, finally be able to let go of any reaction that may emerge when taking a look at our ‘dark side’ which we’ve only feared looking at without realizing that that’s where the actual ‘truth’ of ourselves resides in, and not a truth to remain as it is and simply ‘embrace it’ as a form of acceptance – no, not at all, but as a necessary realization that will and is causing unbearable shocks and pain in this world. Maybe it is necessary to have this shock be profound or else, we will forget it all over again as we’ve done generation after generation, coming into this world and fitting ourselves into the vilest forms of coexistence while painting it with flowers and seeing it as ‘normal’ just because that is what we see and hear all around us as the way to survive, ‘the way things are’ and have believed we’ll ‘always be,’ which I am here to ensure it does not remain as such ‘status quo.’

 

Whenever I witness something that is shocking, something that I have considered to be too cruel, too vile, too sad to be truth as part of our ‘human nature,’ I tend to see it as a separate expression from myself, as if it was only ‘someone else’s twisted deeds, without realizing that it is actually part of who and what we have become as the very nature of ourselves being that of evil, as the reverse of life. Now, I understand this might sound rather pessimistic to our usual deep desires to not have to face the side of ourselves that we tend to occult/hide with positivity and ‘good thoughts’ –  but it isn’t pessimistic at all, it’s who we are and have become –  one only has to look at the actual nature of one’s thoughts to understand then the ‘nature of the system’ and our ‘human nature’ that we’ve justified and excused for far too long.

abuse
1    use to bad effect or for a bad purpose.
2    treat with cruelty or violence. Ø assault sexually.
3    address in an insulting and offensive way.

1    the improper use of something.
2    cruel and violent treatment. Ø sexual assault.
3    insulting and offensive language.

 

I could define abuse as plain evil, the reverse of life, as in acting in a way that one can understand is not honoring and respecting something or someone, doing deliberate harm in order to get some form of personal gain – this is the nature that exists within each other’s mind and we haven’t yet been fully able to admit it and take responsibility for it. The sole ability to live the word abuse in our very own thinking patterns, behaviors and relationships with one another certainly creates the general atmosphere that we all breathe in and out of, it’s what we create as our reality of disregard, self-interest, greed, wanting more, wanting to abuse another to have some more, be better and superior than, be the king of it all, do the least effort, being the winner, the master, the god…

 

God won't save the queen now

 

 

Can I imagine a world without abuse?

It’s hard to conceive because we haven’t ever actually ‘lived’ without abusing, and that makes us ponder how much of ourselves would change if we had such ‘human abusive nature’ be transformed into the principle and consideration of what is best for all. However before jumping into such ‘utopia’ that it may appear to be, I’d rather keep disclosing what I’ve realized when watching certain movies or series where abuse is rather notorious.

 

When watching bits of The Act of Killing for a second time, I realized that what I was witnessing is in fact what has existed as our sole human nature since the beginning of our time and that Anwar – the main ‘character’ of the documentary – is in fact each one of us. We can’t remember our several lifetimes we’ve been here before, doing the same, repeating the same mistakes, committing the same abuse and then coming back and believing we have never done anything wrong and believing that there can be actual innocent individuals within this, whereas I can only conceive why we are here on Earth as a result of us being the ones that have actually abused for eons on time and are here to learn a very tough lesson: to face ourselves, our nature, our – probably – irremediable consequences up until the last drop of water dries up.

 

In my experience, I could see before how any form of abuse outraged me, however I thought myself to be a pristine righteous good and ‘noble’ individual until I started deconstructing myself and was able to see my own ‘evil’ as the reverse of life and how my ‘good intentions’ were tainted with self interest all over. If anything, I am interested in getting to know more about all the ‘dark side’ of our human psyche that we’ve hid from one another as that is where the actual crème of our human nature resides in. This means being able to confront that which I many times simply deliberately avoided looking at or getting to know of.

 

My first attendance to a protest was in 2006 where our governor was accused of being a pederast upon a recording that made national or maybe even international news and so, we the ‘indignados’ marched around the city hall asking him to quit – which he never did and I can only remember how even if I was already old enough to understand what being a pederast means, I could still not fathom why could that be something ‘attractive’ or exciting to an adult. Another point is the feminicide, the Muertas de Juárez, the ladies that were kidnapped/disappeared, killed and dropped around in the city like disposable objects after being used for rather unusual purposes. I once was at a conference wherein the reality of the nature of these killings was explained and I was shocked to the core of how authorities seemed to be implicated in these crimes and that’s why no one dared to speak up – that’s the first time I realized that I had been truly living a lie when it comes to ‘authorities’ and it was closer than I thought. There were mentions of satanic rituals and sadist masochism evidence on the women’s bodies,  which has now become part of our ‘pop culture’ with books like 50 shades of gray and completely mellowing the actual core of the abuse to transform it into an ‘exciting’ new way to spark up your sex life. Well, who has heard about the muertas of Juarez being part of these ritual abuses based on the evidence on the girls’ corpses? Not many, we fear being quieted down by authorities, and so we keep quiet. And within this: would blowing the whistle on this change the entire crime networks that exist around the world related to pedophiles, pornography, snuff films, satanic rituals and secret societies? Becoming aware of something is a starting point, but in the end the actual change to prevent it will have to exist at an individual level taking responsibility for such abuses. If anything we are becoming more aware of what is possible in our world and it’s also fascinating to see that this is hitting ‘mainstream’ with series like True Detective.

My perspective of why we are so drawn and fascinated by the ‘occult’ which means that which is hidden or obscured from seeing the broad daylight is because we actually fear looking at it, and so the experience of fear is what we turn into some form of attraction which then becomes part of our morbidity to all deviances and rather ‘morbid fascinations’ as I call them, in which we also try to ‘push the boundaries’ of what is socially acceptable which is sometimes done in an attempt to ‘break the spell’ of the usual happy-go-lucky mentality that is peddled around in order to sell, buy, consume, repeat and be ignorantly happy.

 

I’m still a bit intrigued as to how a show like True Detective made it into mainstream. It apparently ends in a ‘good way’ but it only scratches the dirt of a nail of the actual problem. It does, however, make more evident what is already part of our mainstream without being fully aware of it, such as the symbolism, the ‘lifestyles’ that we have come to see as ‘part of our culture’ and no longer any form of ‘conspiracy theory,’ but it is instead a way to make evident the decay of our human nature – maybe we have to hit the rock bottom so that once we get to be aware of and understand the vilest forms of existence that we’ve become, we can start pondering how the hell we allowed ourselves to go down the spiral without awareness of the actual consequences which are measurable in, for example,  kids today learning that being bad is rather cool, isn’t it? Being vile is the new trend, being a rebel, opposing the laws and ‘doing as you will’ which is the ultimate statement of disregard of the principle that in fact governs us all: oneness and equality, which is at the moment rather far from us waking up to realize the kind of crimes we’ve been committing against life on a daily basis, every single time we are not even aware of how we are actually and literally one and equal, part of the whole.

 

Girl Interrupted by Ultra Violence

 

In our minds we have concocted our inner most twisted fantasies that we have defended as ‘our own will’ whereas in the absolute realm of the whole there is no such thing as individual will, but only the creation of personal delusions in the name of excitement, of the illusion of power, of control, of rejoicing in believing one has some form of ‘control’ or can ‘possess’ something or someone.

I also see the necessity to unveil even the most scary, cruel, filthy, shaming stories of what we have become as human beings in order to look beyond our threshold o fears and understand what it is that happens when we allow our minds to run rampant and ‘get away with murder’ in a literal manner.

As I was mentioning, witnessing our real human nature even in fiction stories implies there’s part of us being depicted of course, as it is created in another human’s mind – so, nothing is really ‘detached’ from ourselves and as such even when we ‘thank god’ that ‘I am NOT THAT criminal, that abuser, that person in power committing heinous crimes against life’ – let’s ‘think’ again and rather realize it is ourselves doing it all along, we just like to pretend we are not, so that we can feel ‘less bad’ about ourselves. But as long as we hold on to an idea of perfection and looking at all the marvelous things we can be and become Without investigating the actuality, the real nature, the nitty gritty and not so pretty nature that exists within ourselves: nothing will in fact genuinely change.

I see the unveiling, the ‘apocalypse’ as the process we are going through right now, more and more evident and  ‘seeping through the cracks’ in our daily lives as it is now everywhere: in mass media, music, our behaviors, trends, habits everything that is being pushed as part of a larger agenda that is equally lost in its aim, not realizing that any person in a current perceived ‘position of power’ is none other than part of the chess game that was laid out long before even the notion of the ‘elites’ on Earth existed. This is our masterpiece, the world-system on this Earth, the end result of our wildest fantasies, dreams and fascinations and one can only look at how we are genuinely trashing ourselves, the world and our very own bodies every time that we give into the hypnotic state of  wanting to ‘feel good,’ wanting to ‘feel happy’ and ignore reality, a reality that I am certain if I could hear it in fact would be screaming in agony and pondering why the hell we are so bubbled-up that we cannot actually SEE every single form of abuse that we create within and without ourselves as our very own nature and in turn how nature itself operates as a reflection of such mechanism of abuse too, our own conditioning.

In this, I can only point out the role of the ‘younger’ detectives in True Detective –the ones that were interrogating Rustin Cohle -as the ones that try to mislead from getting to know the most vile nature of our reality, trying to make of ritualistic abuse and other forms of human nastiness as some kind of ‘sick joke’ or a thing for ‘conspiracy theorists and loonies,’ however, it is about time this is known so that the major well-kept masks in this world can fall, but not only those of the people in ‘greater powers’ and institutions, but of ourselves, to finally be able to confront and accept the fact that the ‘abusers’ are not ‘out there’ but inside of us, each one of us and so be able to integrate some humbleness to understand how it is that we have pointed fingers outside of ourselves and created ‘fiction’ stories to be able to swallow the truth in a less ‘offensive’ or ‘embarrassing’ way, because we are still too scared to realize our responsibility for it all.

 

God Bless the Child

 

It can also start by pondering when we get excited upon witnessing violence – which does happen/still exist – such as people that like to witness bulls being bullied/harassed/abused and killed in what is called the ‘fiesta brava’ or bullfights. The same with how in pedophile circles the participants rejoice seeing a baby or a kid being sexually abused. The same with the ‘excitement’ that sexual abuse creates in the abuser, or killing/murdering others, or setting off a bomb… this is what exists today and yes it is mostly linked to the idea of ‘power’ and having some well concocted reasons to justify it. I mean, how more blind do we have to be to not see and realize this?

So, this is not something to be feared or denied about ourselves as human beings, it is about understanding that even the most vile and atrocious nature of ourselves exists as a potential within each one of us, the same way that the most common sensical and benevolent potential exists within each one of us too and so, being rather willing to face our True Nature to begin self-forgiving it and redirecting it and so be self-directive within our minds, our ‘human nature’ as to stop all forms of self-abuse – which is to be understood and realized as the abuse upon myself or others, all equally affected.

 

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgust, anger and also sadness when getting to know the extent of abuse that we can impose onto another that we haven’t recognized as ourselves and so doing so within the ignorance of who we all are as equals and how any point of abuse upon ‘another’ is in fact toward oneself.

I realize that my reactions to abuse create further abuse and as such, I have to be able to witness, get to know and realize the abuse we have created without giving into powerlessness, sadness, anger or even wanting to blame others for such abuse as reactions won’t ever solve the problem. I only can solve the problem first by stopping my own emotional experience, and then seeing who am I and where am I existing in relation to that problem myself.

I commit myself to then see what it would take for me to contribute to stopping such abuse and if it is ‘outside of my hands’ at the moment, I then focus on rather informing myself, becoming aware of how we have created such problem/point of abuse as well as supporting others to become aware of it so that through creating this awareness, we can altogether look at solutions that we can all implement – for example – through politics which implies the power of many joining toward the same outcome as one person alone cannot be ‘the one point of change’ only but it is through joining forces that we can certainly stand up and correct any point of abuse within ourselves first and then without.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience disbelief when it comes to realizing what I’ve become as a human being, the extent of disregard, neglect, harm, abuse, the additive search for power and control even if it goes against the majority of the living beings in this world.

I realize instead that this is the very mechanism in which we have come to exist and function as individuals and as such, there is no way to escape the reality and the facts, and wishing that things could be different because even if things could suddenly seem ‘better,’ I would still have to see if such ‘change’ is in fact self-change or just a new positive façade so as to not worry about the actual source and core of the problem which is always existent within ourselves, as the very nature of who we have become as our own minds, as the separation of self.

 

I commit myself to be able to see things that happen in my world without creating an experience about it, without becoming emotional about it as that’s where I see one loses ground and becomes part of the problem – therefore I direct myself to understand the situation, the cause, the problem and investigate within myself how I have contributed to this, how I am equally responsible and as such simply commit myself to do my part to stop such point of abuse even at the thought level.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see abuse in separation of myself, as if it was only some ‘powerful ones’ imposing it toward us/everyone else, instead of realizing myself as them as well doing all of that harm and abuse and existing as a fellow human being which I would have also hated back in an attempt to deny who I am in relation to them too, which is being also them, being one and equal to ‘them’ who I have defined as ‘being evil/bad/wrong’ in separation of myself as a denial of what exists here as myself.

I realize that denying or judging or reacting to a point of information, to someone else’s actions and words will do nothing for me to create a substantial change but that real change implies I stop, I ensure I do not react to this so that I am able to look at this point in full presence and stability so as to see the ‘full picture’ that’s entailed in any point of abuse for example, to see the ‘greater picture’ to not get fixated on a particular set of beings/people/actions but understand abuse from the greater context as who we are and have become generally.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within realizing this wanting to become defensive and distrustful toward others and go back to existing in the ‘fear toward the evil of humanity’ as some ingrained pattern I had walked through before. I realize that this is just me in my mind wanting to jump on to another ‘mindset’ as a false sense of security which doesn’t make sense at all.

 

Therefore I see and realize that I have to remain as breath, to be physically present and  not get caught up in memories and reactions or experiences but ensure I am seeing the point through the eyes of the physical, which means the eyes of understanding and so realizing that the chain massacre of abuse will be stopped from the moment that I decide to no longer acknowledge abuse as a point to react to in an emotional way as that would be like being separate to that which I am creating an experience of, because in recognizing everything as myself then creating an experience is like having schizophrenia really, reacting toward myself. So,

I commit myself to live the realization of being present as breath while witnessing something that I have defined as abuse, seeing information that relates to abusing ourselves which in such case I mean, If I was fully aware of everything that goes in this reality, I would constantly be crying or angry as everything that is here is existent as this point of abuse and so, it’s rather obvious that we cannot go on like this, we have to be able to rather focus on understanding to be able to prevent the problem from its root cause.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as desensitized when not reacting any longer to the various stories and mechanisms of abuse, as if I had been ‘cured’ of creating any form of freight or disgust at the same time, but I do have to be very wary of this point so as to not be repressing my experiences and not really seeing who I am in relation to the information that I come to know of, the images, the proofs and how everything fits to the outcomes of an ‘evil plot’ in which we exist as and of which we understand its sole purpose of which was to be enslaved and generate energy for someone that we accepted and allowed to upgrade into the level of a god. This is then the consequential outflow of having had no regard toward each other as equals, of having abdicated my responsibility to it all and creating polarities where winners and losers can exist, where elites and populace can exist, where money can dictate who gets abused and in which ways as well as the ‘power’ that perpetuates such inequality, such as ‘privileges’ and ‘benefits’ that are only existent for a few while the majority gets nothing but, we also have to transcend that me vs. them mentality here if we want to truly focus on change, so

I commit myself to focus on change within and as myself and no longer contrast it or compare it toward those that ‘have nothing’ or those that ‘have all the power’ but see myself as an equal participant within this all which means, no longer seeing through the eyes of the mind but acknowledging my part and so live my part that I am responsible for such as my words, thoughts, actions.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that everything was ‘fine’ in this world wherein I lived in a rather narrow view and rather brainwashed perspective of our history, the stories of our origin and believing that we were meant to be and do good, without realizing that it’s actually the exact opposite what we’ve done all along and that it is only through being able to let go of this idea of goodness or benevolence and ‘evil’ at the same time that I can see facts/actions/words for what they are and imply without judgment, without segregation or creating an experience toward them.

I commit myself to focus on rather seeing HOW we came to create such point of abuse and considering it within all the points that I realize I have to take care of when it comes to aligning my life within and as the principle of considering all parts equally as myself and doing my part as well in this life which begins by taking responsibility for myself, my actions and ensuring I consider what is best for all in what I think, do and speak

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have that inherent tendency to want to have ‘nothing to do’ with abuse and not wanting to recognize myself as part of that abuse because I have judged it as wrong along with an experience that implies that ‘I am right.’

I realize that abuse is collectively accepted and allowed, as well as understanding that abuse has become the very way we live and act, and as such rather become aware of this necessary starting point to begin questioning everything that we have also deemed we were doing for the sake of being ‘benevolent’ or ‘doing good’ as I’ve also seen throughout this process that these are the most deceptive points where the actual ‘evil’ or the actual point of harm or abuse is hidden behind a positive façade so as to justify it and excuse it.

 

I commit myself to ‘embrace’ this ‘evil’ as myself not from the point of accepting and allowing it or giving continuation to it, but as a way to no longer react to it as it is in fact myself I would be reacting to, and instead focus on what I can direct within myself which is beginning with my own mind, my own life and so my participation in this world system being based on externalizing those points of self responsibility, accountability, no harm and no abuse upon others which is the principle of doing onto others as I would like to be done onto myself.

I realize as well that even the very food/water/animals/air that I breathe I’ve come to abuse as well, so within this I have to also be willing to face the abuse that goes on at even a microscopic level within the very mechanisms of how I digest my food or how I have to use water every single day and so not react to it but understand how we came to be enslaved in essence to our own abuse.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes hold on to this point of acknowledging abuse as a way to also prevent me from seeing ‘how things could be if this abuse is stopped’ which I have defined as being rather ‘hard’ to imagine everyone being self-responsible and acting in the best interest of everyone, but I realize that this is the kind of pessimism I have also become so used to existing as. So

I commit myself to allow myself to realize that I cannot imagine something that I haven’t been able to live by and prove for myself, so I don’t need to imagine as much as I need to focus on myself, on being that example and that point of stopping abuse within myself and so stand as it and as a pillar of support for anyone else that also decides to become a 1+ living proof and example of what it means to live in a self-supportive and considerate manner within the principle of what is best for all as equals.

 

Supportive Material:

 

  1.  Reptilians – The Key to Life Through Evil (Part 1) – Part 111

  2. Reptilians – The Key to Life Through Evil (Part 2) – Part 112

5. Deer Human

 

Investigate who we are as a group of people committed to take responsibility and prevent further abuse in this world:

 

 

 

 


%d bloggers like this: