Category Archives: past

560. From Missing to Current Creation

Continuing from:

Practically looking at the word miss and upon reflecting on various things I see I have been ‘missing,’ a lot of them have to do with how I developed certain expressions within myself in relation to other people, or how I got to do things that definitely opened me up to many more aspects or facets of living, where once that these relationships ended up or ‘dried out’ in a way I remained in a state of disempowerment in relation to me not being able to continue developing what I got to do with others in terms of for example, creativity and genuine enjoyment I had when ‘collaborating’ creatively with others and also when it comes to a friendship with a female that I simply ‘let go of’ completely upon no longer living in the same place, and a phrase that has come up recently in me is how we have to nurture relationships, otherwise they ‘dry out’ which is what happened several times where I could have redefined these relationships and continued to enjoy myself within them, but I see how it was me that decided to ‘cut ties’ or believe they no longer ‘have time for me’ and in a way lose contact which I would genuinely appreciate even if it was ‘long distance’ many times.

 

How I got to realize this wasn’t an easy ‘looking at the word’ in one go. What I did was first seeing directly at all the points that did emerge within me in one way or another  – subtly or strongly – that I have been missing in my reality. These were both people or parts of myself that I got to experience and develop while being in certain relationships.

 

I saw how as much as I was not at a ‘great place’ when it comes to my emotions and decisions in life, the person that I was 10 years ago was also living more in a self-discovery, adventurous manner that I completely cut off/let go of when starting this process believing that I had to completely become ‘devoid’ of any sort of distraction at the time – which I associated with my personal interests and enjoyment at the time, which surely was a possible necessary phase as well considering how I was about to go down a downward spiral of mysticism right before I got to find Desteni and start this process, which was – in retrospect – a necessary pause in my life as well to really get to see who I am within it all and the subsequent 9 years up to now that it has taken myself to get to a stable position within me in who I am and developing sufficient self-support for what I see is yet to be created by me in my life.

 

Therefore  I also had to practically see what of ‘the me that I miss from over 10 years ago’ is livable and supportive to my current context, and of all things what I saw more prominently were the relationships to arts and music as forms of genuine enjoyment that I was able to share with others as well. I realized that I miss seeing reality with the eyes that I would see it before which was more of a genuine curiosity and appreciation that I then completely blacked out by defining all pictures as mind-interpretations therefore meaningless, therefore pointless – but I’ve come to realize it’s not even about ‘the pictures’ as much as it is about who we are in the process of taking pictures and what we can reflect on them, so going from pure aesthetics to a more internal process that I might have not seen entirely ‘within me’ before when I first started taking pictures over 10 years ago in a rather compulsive manner lol.

 

So that explorative, creative, adventurous me is the one that I have been ‘missing’ which in fact has become a sort of rigidity, at times ‘bitterness’ for cutting out this expression in me and believing that I had to be ‘ok without it’ – but it all has to do with how I judged such experiences as something ‘pointless’ or ‘superficial’ to do, and within this ignoring or deliberately suppressing the sense of enjoyment that I had with it which I am now looking forward to re-create and find the ways to do so in my current living situation, which might or might not be related to taking pictures per se, but I won’t know unless I actually test it out myself.

 

The same goes with things I used to do with certain friends where surely, a person’s expression is unique and the point here is not to try and find another ‘person’ that is exactly the same as the friendships or relationships I am ‘missing’ – nor does it mean that I have to re-establish a relationship with the same person because it is so that people change, have different lives, interests change etc. The point I’m looking at here is related to developing and nurturing relationships, which is something I can definitely see I have not done – have sucked at it actually – yet I also am aware that when I establish a relationship with another – being it of friendship or partnership – I am quite committed and loyal to it.

 

So it’s a matter of deciding to create more ‘meaningful’ as in deep and intimate relationships, nurture and develop them. And this is something I can certainly learn to see with a different pair of eyes than in the past as well, where relationships were more like a ‘personal hideout’ than a personal development of intimacy within myself and others, of supportive enjoyment and co-creation which are words that I have missed about myself as well in relation to others.

 

Also while looking at this word ‘missing’ I realized that it also doesn’t necessarily mean something that ‘was part of my life and is gone now’ but also considering things that I simply haven’t yet done and lived in my life and at the moment I have a notion of what it can be and it involves the word ‘depth’ in it as in really getting to know me, see me and continue to develop this self-appreciation that I sought to ‘receive’ from others so many times before in my life. And this is what I see I have been missing all along and only have been recently realizing this which is great so that I don’t end up ‘waiting for me to happen’ in a way, but I can lead myself to make things happen, to create the outcomes that I see are potentials yet I have not actively worked on developing them.

 

Therefore, I’m currently aligning and setting up what I call platforms, changes, requirements, tools and skills that I can use to move to the self-creation step in a more ‘system’ related context, which is actually what I have also been missing in my life as in not having a clear experience of yet and that I am frankly eager to create and establish for myself.

 

So, here it’s quite clear to see how from a point of ‘missing’ and emotionally reacting to it at first in a sense of denial that led to a ‘having to admit to myself’ of actually missing, to then the process/time I walked to separate ‘the wheat from the chaff’ as they say in terms of establishing what I was missing more from an emotional attachment, a sort of ‘nostalgia’ or selective memory starting point when it comes to seeing what I ‘miss the most’ – as all that which I have perceived as having been only a’ good time’ in my life, which I have proven to myself is a very limited way to look at ‘memories’ and ‘the past’ in general – so that I could also not focus on ‘the people’ I missed, but more like the parts of myself that I have missed, that I have truncated in my life and those that I have not yet developed or created yet and that I got to taste a bit of in certain past times or seeing what aspects of myself I can now create in my life with a new starting point as well – this also includes aspects of other people in my past that I can integrate in my own life as well.

 

This  enables me to see how to redefine the word ‘missing’ from a perception of lack or desire to ‘go back to having that which I no longer have’ to focusing on what is here as myself that I can create, take on or approach again but from the current starting point in my life and process of self-creation. And this is where the empowerment comes back to self, where there is no longer a sense of lack, helplessness, irresoluteness and keeping myself in a ‘waiting mode’ or being in plain denial about ‘missing anything at all,’ but, I can see how if I decide to do things = I make them happen, so I can approach this aspect of ‘missing’ the same way: stopping the longing, the belief of something being ‘forever gone’ within me and challenge such beliefs by bringing it back here and see who am I with it and how I can expand within it from my current position and starting point in life.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Artwork001 color

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


551. Walking Through What Wasn’t Done in the Past

Something I got to see and realize today is how I have tended to look at the past and what ‘I didn’t get to do’ within a particular experience of regret or pondering ‘what could have been,’ which created certain outflows that I had deemed to be ‘manifested consequences’ considering that this is about something that I had the time and opportunity to do and walk in a particular timeframe a few years ago and I didn’t get to do so, mostly out of preferring to not go through the process it entailed and considering that I would not require to get it done at the time within my life choices and where I saw myself in the future a few years ago.

However, that was ‘then’ and now it’s a different story where I’ll be looking at walking through that process I ‘left off’ some years ago considering some potentials in the future and within walking a chat with my Desteni I Process Buddy, I realized how I was seeing it as this ‘left off’ process that I was labeling as a manifested consequence and therefore in a way seeing it as something I was partly ashamed of for not walking through it at the time that I could have done it.

I was able to realize how sometimes there are multiple factors that were present at the time that led me to take that decision and who I was at the time, and how now I’m not the same and the context is not the same at the time as it was ‘back then’ and in essence being able to embrace what’s here, what’s required to do without going into any form of guilt or regret about it, because it is so that having made such decision at the time, could have changed my life direction back then.

The realization I had was that many times we regret having ‘lost time’ in not doing something or not directing ourselves in a particular way in the past, but it is definitely so that being lamenting ourselves about our past is not something supportive at all, because there’s nothing to be done about it and carrying it around like a heavy stone is also pointless. I can only focus on what’s here, what I can work with currently and direct myself accordingly.

It was very relevant for me to see this because sometimes I do have the tendency to get ‘hung up’ on the past and in doing so, frame particular decisions as ‘bad decisions’ or ‘wasted time’ but it is so that at the time my priorities were different, my plans were different and at the time I saw no need for it, which has changed at the moment and it’s a cool thing to finally get to do, considering I see it as convenient.

Here also considering the notion of ‘having wasted time’ because I am aware I didn’t ‘waste my time’ back then, simply my priorities and focus was set on a different direction and that’s it, it’s no better or worse – life changes, priorities change, directions change and so I rather adapt accordingly to make the changes, processes and decisions that are needed for it.

It is also supportive in stopping seeing things in a very ‘black and white’ manner as in judging my decision back then, instead of realizing that now it’s a different timeframe, context, possible paths to walk for me where walking a particular process becomes relevant, but it wasn’t so before – and that’s it.

Therefore I share this also as a way to consider those things we left off, didn’t get to complete or do for a particular reason at the time, and there being a moment where the point is ‘here’ again and becomes relevant again, where it’s kind of pointless to lament oneself in relation to something that is ‘gone’ and ‘done’ in the past – it’s definitely much healthier to consider one’s current context and do what’s needed to do, without adding any layer of guilt, regret, remorse, ‘I should haves’ and lamenting oneself about it – because it is so that we change, our life and potential paths change, so I better adapt to the currents in the moment than holding on to a past, while also considering there is a future process to walk as well.

So I can keep in mind how we cannot hold ourselves captive to ‘who we were’ in the past and our decisions ‘back then’ because, if we are seeing things differently now than before it is an indication of how we’ve changed In how we are seeing things now, how as time progress we do have a different context than before within ourselves and in our external reality – so it becomes a bit futile to see our decisions isolated from these internal and external variables, because it usually only leads to seeing things through the mind, through opinions and drowning oneself in emotions ultimately, which is not needed once that one is here in the present moment realizing something that we have to do and simply proceed to do it, no need to give it adjectives or to bash ourselves for ‘what once was’ or ‘wasn’t’ – what we have is ourselves here so, why not simply act on it in the moment and give ourselves a blank slate to get our things done, it’s entirely up to us.

Thanks for reading.

 

denken2

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


522. Standing Up From The Past

Or stopping self-definitions and self-judgments according to my past and focusing on who I currently am in my life

It was an interesting day because for various reasons I got to be recalling  a lot about ‘who I was’ over 10 years ago and what I was like and what I was ‘up to’ around that time. I discussed it with different people for various reasons, one of them being related to music because I plan on attending a music festival for the first time after some years of attending that kind of events, but this time I got a nice offer for it and a free trip to go there through a concert travel agency because of the amount of times I had used their services throughout my teenage years – probably going to some 15 concerts at the time so, they had this promotion that with having over 10 trips with them, one gets a free trip and that’s what I got, which is great! And I truly was doubting myself in going for it, like even seeing myself as ‘too old for that stuff’ lol – but I decided to give it a go and be open for it, regardless of my reluctance.

The point here is how I saw this people after over 10 years and it was quite funny how they remember me – over 10 years ago – yet I also noticed I was genuinely glad to see them too and see that their business has flourished. I also saw an ex-school mate in a store and it was also interesting to see someone – that I would see around on a daily basis during high school – after over a decade which again made me consider ‘the time that has passed’ yet being able to relate to him just because of that common space as high school.  Then I was talking with my mother about ‘the old times’ where I was very much this avid teenager that wanted to be going out to concerts all the time and what was my life back then: music, books, my friends and doing the whole ‘exploration’ of what it means to live at the same time.

I also had a chat with another person about how I used to play guitar and bass and how I once had a band for a little while and the people I used to be friends with, and some other things that led me to ‘bring the past back here’ and even though I enjoyed sharing myself in this, in some aspects or specific ‘topics’ I noticed I was a bit ashamed in relation to ‘how others will see me now’ based on the kind of relationships I had and how I held on to them as if they were really supportive for me, when the reality was that they were not really so. Yet as with everything, ‘investigating all things and keep what’s best,’ even while having been at the time with people that are not that easy going or having certain ‘special ways’ of being generally conflictive or having certain addictions etc. I could also in that moment realize that there were a few things that I did learn about them and that I’ve integrated as part of who I am in my life, things that I saw I liked about them and when applying them in my life it made my relationships with people easier, and I also shared that so as to explain that it’s not like it was ‘all bad’ but also create an equilibrium with some cool points from it all.

I did notice that while going back to over a decade ago in my conversations with people today, I got a sensation first of all of ‘Man, I’m growing old, I’m old! I once was young!’ LOL! Which I actually said out loud to some guys today and it was a funny moment – while others after so many years thought I was only 25 – well! Anyone would be flattered with that but I stand on my age really which is 30 and as much as at some point I really had become like ‘marked’ by some things of my past, it was truly when I started walking this process at Desteni at the age of 21 that I learned to let go of ‘carrying my past’ as a burden and stopping doing everything that I was seeking to do just to now be a ‘better person’ compared to ‘who I was in the past’.

And it was true that my past was ‘haunting me’ as it was explained in a structural resonance alignment research video that I was quite fortunate to get 9 years ago, because it was the first time that I was able to see to what extent I was always carrying my past as a ‘burden’, as something that I could not ‘make peace with and let go,’ and that’s because I was still defining myself, who I am here in the present according to my past, which sounds simple and easy to understand but it was truly in that moment when I heard this video-recording that I realized to what extent I was compromising myself because of ‘holding my past’ in my present, in this moment.

Now, this point of ‘holding the past in the present’ exists in fact as everything that we have become in our minds, it’s the way we think, we do things, we react, how we’ve ‘always’ done something that we haven’t directly changed or aligned within ourselves, that’s still us recreating the past within ourselves. So, at the time I worked quite a lot with self-forgiving all those memories, relationships, experiences, judgments, a lot of the judgment towards ‘all of that’ which I also might be making worse than it actually was, which is also a common thing we tend to do in our minds: blow things out of proportion.

So as I was sharing more about this ‘past time’ in my life, I noticed that there was an inkling of discomfort, very subtle when sharing some of the decisions I made at the time in terms of friendships and relationships and having myself be associated with people that at some level I wish I would not have been associated with, a form of subtle regret. However, at the same time it is part of what ‘shaped me’ and even though I got to see with clarity years later on what ‘drove me’ into those situations in my life and what I compromised of myself within it all, I still can only learn from it and ensure that I do not continue these same patterns.

In this case, unfortunately I do consider I continued repeating similar patterns which I definitely see that I have to be very aware and careful when it comes to who I decide to be in my life which will therefore define the kind of people and relationships and projects and things that I associate myself with.  So, this is a reminder for myself that as much as my past does not define me – and I frankly as I shared about it yesterday, cannot see ‘me’ in the same way that I was in the past – there will still be people that will relate to me based on those memories that they had of myself back then and yes it will be quite a change but, isn’t that actually very cool? That I can share with someone of ‘my past’ and say yes I’ve changed, I’m not the same as the person you once met but it’s still ‘me’ just not in all of those traits and aspects I had, it’s a better version of me.

And that’s what kind of happened when seeing these people ‘from the past’, people that I had not seen in over a decade and I actually also asked where they’re at now, how they have gotten their family growing, their businesses growing, asking how ‘life has been’ in a way where there’s simply a genuine enjoyment at the same time of being able to relate to people ‘from the past’ in my present moment.

I also realized I don’t need to even explain myself of ‘where I’m at’ because I simply relate to them with a genuine gladness of seeing them again, that’s who I decide to be then from now on, which actually also happened last month with seeing a girl that used to be one of my best friends in high school and seeing her was a genuine ‘good moment’ for me even if we don’t keep in touch anymore and that also kind of made me remember ‘who I was’ and how I used to be and behave in high school and almost wanting to say to her ‘hey I’ve changed!’ but it wasn’t needed, I simply was ‘me’ in the moment and let go of ‘how she would see me now’.

So as I’ve shared before, even if I had certain ‘traits’ and personalities before this process, I made sure there was always this constant in me of being able to relate to all people and that’s now what’s coming up even stronger in me as a point of expression, which is enjoyable for me and for others as well, because that’s the world I’d like to also create with all of us, where we can relate to each other and start ‘anew’ every time, be clear within ourselves instead of talking only to ‘memories’ that we’ve held within ourselves about each other and hold on to grudges and past ‘feuds’ and stuff like that, it’s not healthy for anyone, so best way is to forgive oneself for whatever ‘went on’ in our lives and move on to stand clear in our present within ourselves and so towards others.

In essence I had to let go of my judgments about myself, about ‘who I was’ and even when sharing more about the people I related with, to not be afraid to share this because yes, that’s where I was in my life, it does not define ‘me’ currently, it’s not what I’ve continued ‘to be’ up to now yet, there will always be people that were ‘with me’ or part of my past or a time in my life that I cannot ‘swipe off’ completely, I rather make it a point to greet everyone the way I’ve done in these occasions and in general, not holding a judgment up to people, but simply being ‘in the moment’ with them, which also simplifies things a lot in our interactions.

Now it’s about me not fearing that others will ‘define me’ according to who I was or who I related myself with, not that I was ‘the worst of the worst’ either lol, but simply quite different to where I am now. However this is actually a bit weird because I would find it awkward if I had not moved an iota as a person in my life and develop or change in any way over 10 years. It is actually then questionable why I would worry about ‘who I was’ and believing that at the eyes of others I am probably the same I was when I was 17 years old… it doesn’t make sense! It only makes sense if I am the one that is defining people according to how I saw them 10 years ago – now that’s the point here to take it back to myself.

So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually hold a memory of who these people were in the past and still believe I can ‘know who they are now’ based on those memories, which would be the definition of me doing onto others what I am precisely fearing they would ‘do onto me’ which then I must stop and cease to do within me first of all, because that’s the judgment I hold to myself, about myself and about others that must stop within me here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subtly fearing that others will define me according to who I was over 10 years ago and hold me in that ‘idea’ of myself, and so creating an experience of being ashamed or regretful of my past, of who I was back then or pondering ‘how they saw me’ which again, proves that these judgments are not theirs but only my own, my own ways in which I have gotten to still judge aspects of my life, decisions I made, relationships I had – but I also see that I would not be ‘here’ as I am if I had not gone through all of that which led me to also seek for a way to support myself at the same time and give myself a purpose beyond of all of those things and ways in which I was quite desperately and eagerly ‘searching for myself.’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the only judgments that I can in fact look at and change are my own, not anyone else’s, and that if anyone has an idea of myself about who I was in the past and tries to match that who I am now, it’s entirely their process and their decision to do so, I cannot change that at all nor can I control or try and ‘create a new version of me’ so that they know ‘I’ve changed!’ because that’s not the point here either, not about others, all about myself.

What matters here is being clear within myself about all things related to my past, that time of my life while I was a teenager and all the things that I did which might not have been the ‘best ways’ to explore my life, but at the same time I have stood up from that and evolved into the person that I can now genuinely be with and not be afraid of ‘being in my skin’ and knowing who I am and actually genuinely recognizing the worth within myself as life that I have been working on to develop within myself and so in whoever I get to be in contact with.

And that’s much more substantial and why not, valuable for me than any perception, idea, belief or judgment I may hold ‘against’ me based on my past – because I’ve decided that my past doesn’t define who I am in this moment and I’ve mostly ‘shed that skin’ already, which I am glad for and this is also me entering t into 30 years and 6 months of age today and I like doing some of these ‘life recaps’ not only on a birthday but whenever I see the calendar hits the ‘first day of the month’ and I consider that today was an interesting set of events that led me to ‘remember me’ and see what could still come up as a judgment – but it’s definitely not something I get emotional or reactive about, I can easily speak about it as a part of ‘who I was’ – but it’s more of a shame ‘at the eyes of others’ which emerged, so I have to remind myself that what matters are not ‘the falls’ and being defined by ‘who I was’ but I decide to define myself according to the ways in which I have stood up again, in which I am till this day committing to support myself to be the person that I know I can be with for the rest of my life, and continue developing myself for the best.

So I am grateful for my day today where through various interactions and moments with others I was able to open up the ‘box of memories’ and confront others beyond ‘the memory’ I had of myself with them, but genuinely expressing and presenting myself as who I am now, while still being able to relate to them, without trying to ‘re-live’ the old me or anything like that, not needed at all. I was more in a stance of this is me now, this is what I do, this is where I stand and that’s exactly what I want you to be interacting with right now.

And that was nice to do as well in new interactions with people where I could share about my past candidly and simply take a ‘note’ of this slight shame that came up which I’ve realized here in this blog it’s just my own judgments that I need to stop based on ‘the past’ and so focus entirely on who I currently am.

That’s about it for now, point of the day: not to be ashamed or be ‘haunted’ by one’s past, not to allow myself to define me by my past, but rather focus on who I decide to be in this moment, who I decide to express myself as with new acquaintances and older ones that I had not seen in a long time, and that’s in fact all around awesome and self-supportive

Thanks for reading,

Enjoy

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


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