Category Archives: pregnancy

642. Pessimism and Embracing The Blank Page

 

As I briefly mentioned in my previous blog, pessimism has been one of the very ‘ingrained’ patterns in me that I’ve become more aware of lately since finding out I was pregnant. I have to say that I didn’t see myself as a ‘pessimist’ per se, but I was able to identify this way of being in me based on the feedback that I got from my partner as a way to describe my focus on ‘the worst’ of the early pregnancy experience and the fears and limitations that I would bring up in terms of how things ‘would be’ for the future and so forth.

This all seemed ‘normal’ to me and that’s where this point begins, because! I’ve seen firsthand how the same event can be approached from a very different perspective, one that sees the inconvenience of certain symptoms as part of creating something that will be a life-change in our lives. One that can see the ‘adding’ of responsibility as a catalyst for change and personal growth, one that can bring fun times even with the stuff I could define as ‘a hassle’ or ‘troublesome’ – yep, this rather constructive perspective is how my partner approached the whole thing and I’ve been certainly learning more from him and learning to see living potential in it all, instead of only focusing on all that I could define as ‘the bad’ which, again, is not the best of me that I want to cultivate, it is the worst of me that interestingly enough has resurfaced again, because! Yes, this is a ‘life changer’ situation and one that I ‘feared’ a lot apparently, so I faced the consequence of cultivating all of those fears for many, many years. But I’m also learning to let go of them as I go facing this pessimism in different ways and in some of the most ‘sneaky’ forms.

This ‘pessimist’ core programming certainly started in childhood and yes, due to other circumstances unrelated to my pregnancy, we’ve been opening this up with my parents considering that these same fearful patterns have been spilling out into the children of the family and causing some consequences. So, confronting the situation is serving as a preparation ground for both of us to get to understand how I got to be quite limited by all kinds of fears that were imprinted from a very young age by my parents and within that, us all getting to see how that is affecting the newest members of the family, consequently to understand how these patterns came to exist in us and how they are still having ‘a hold’ on us.

Here I perhaps point out something that is by now a ‘well learned lesson’ when it comes to parents and getting to understand and forgive the ways in which they brought us up, because they most likely also didn’t know ‘any better’ and they did what they could in what they perceived as a way to care and love their children.  In this, there are no ‘hurt feelings’ for how I was raised, I instead enjoy understanding the familial patterns to see where and how I came to be ‘who I am’ and within that understanding, take a more active role in being responsible to change those very things that I’ve seen have limited me – and are Still showing up as limiting in my experience currently when facing the point of becoming a mother, becoming parents.  

I have come to make sense of how this ‘pessimism’ is therefore rooted in all kinds of fears that led me to ‘automatically’ think of the worst case scenarios, ‘all the worst that could happen,’ and it’s been quite astounding to see to what extent I do this on an automatic and “natural” way – meaning, I wouldn’t necessarily see it as something I had to flag-point and become aware of, because I deemed it as ‘care’ or ‘creating a sense of security’ – which by cross-referencing it with my partner, are more like my own conditioning – meaning, my past being ‘brought forward’ to the present and even ‘into the future’ … and that’s exactly what we don’t have to do, but instead approaching every moment, every day as a blank page where we decide how to live and how to face situations or ‘challenges,’ and to no longer kind of predispose myself to ‘facing all the worst’ because, I’ve seen how prominent that exists as a ‘normal thinking’ in my mind, and it doesn’t have to be that way, I have to actually stop seeing it as ‘normal thinking’ when seeing that I’m actually considering ‘all the things that could go wrong.’

It all really starts at that level of accepting and allowing those seemingly ‘small thoughts’ to creep up, feed them – which means go into them, thinking about them – to spiral them out into personality patterns like ‘the fearful mother’ and! Well, I would not want to become that, but I also see that I may face these fears in reality in order to become aware of what exists within me, so that I can become aware of them and change them. How else would I become aware of them otherwise?

I really even once thought that it was a cultural thing to constantly be gasping and fearing for a child’s health and wellbeing… well, nope! It’s more like a family thing that I truly need to become aware of Within myself, instead of kind of only going criticizing it and judging it on ‘the outside’ which in all cases, indicates that there are points I am not yet understanding and so, not forgiving that exist within me as well. This means that as long as I am reacting to it, then, there is less of a possibility for me to actually acknowledge, understand and embrace it in order to see where and how that exists within me, so that I can direct myself in a more flexible, understanding and unconditional way, one that considers the moment, and the present as that blank page and stop ‘re-loading’ all of my memories and fears and past conditioning as a child in my own family.

I noticed this pattern even more so recently where I was looking at a future situation of how people in my environment and their character could ‘affect’ the child and within this looking at it already from a starting point of fear: fear of the child going through the ‘imprinting’ of fears and anxiety that I went through as a child based on interacting with these individuals. And I allowed that to go as far as seeing how we would have to possibly disengage from being around these people to attempt to ‘protect’ our child from that kind of ‘character flaws.’ So here again, realizing I’m still holding a judgment and a reaction, which certainly I allowed myself to be affected by, which in turn I feared could ‘happen to our child’ and then going into ‘wanting to protect the child.’

I realize that as long as I am judging, criticizing, fearing certain attitudes and types of ‘character,’ then I am not yet coming to see ‘who am I’ towards those characteristics and emotions in others so that I can work on stopping my own reactions, realizing that others’ reaction do still create an effect on me – and therefore the child inside – and that it is precisely there where I need to act and apply myself to simply stop reacting and understanding why I get to react to them, so that I can decide in self-awareness to change how I respond in those moments.

It’s very easy to deviate from the point of self-responsibility when attempting to blame others for their character flaws, their patterns, their reactions and thinking that ‘they have to change’ or ‘we just have to avoid them altogether’ instead of realizing how it is only myself that can change how I face those situations and that that will in a huge way determine and be an example of how our child can face, confront and walk through similar situations with people. So it’s not about wanting to ‘prevent’ problems –  because we create ‘the problem’ when reacting to others in the first place – but it’s about being an example of how to best face the situation with stability, understanding and focusing on solutions, not giving space to ‘react back’ to anyone, but to stick to what is practical and reasonable to do. Now this is where the real self-change is at.

This time around again it took a good conversation while walking with my partner to explain to him what I was seeing with this whole thing that I just explained above and get back to Earth about it. I saw how I wasn’t really going to get anywhere with the ‘getting away from’ or ‘avoidance’ plan, I was mostly also ‘trapping’ people in their ‘usual selves’ and assuming how they would behave and be in a hypothetical future situation, which is one of the ways in which we keep ourselves ‘trapped’ and limited in the same personalities, the same judgments of how we believe ‘we are and will be’ and don’t give each other that space and opportunity to outgrow our old selves. 

I also was approaching the situation from already assuming and determining how our child would interpret certain attitudes, voice tonalities, expressions as if he or she was going to already judge it as something bad, negative, etc. when in fact, there is no reaction that is pre-recorded there. It is mostly all learned from the environment and that’s where our role comes in. The example comes from ourselves as parents to stop reacting to others’ expressions in a positive or negative way, but instead keep an equanimity and discernment about things which will in turn demonstrate to the child that one doesn’t ‘have to’ go into fear, worry, anxiety or anything like that if someone else is demonstrating such traits in themselves. This is where the change of character happens, with ourselves as the examples – the rest is then learned from observation and imitation.

Within all of this, I also kept on  ‘scheming’ how to ‘go about’ with certain people or situations in life, where I would most likely end up trying to seclude our child from anything that I would be judging as bad, wrong, negative, destructive. Of course, here I am not talking about some kind of ‘extreme’ unsafe or detrimental environment, I am simply looking at character flaws, which yes, we all do have as well so in doing that, I was ignoring my starting point – which was fear – and not taking these judgments, expectations and future projections back to self, to see what we are now more equipped and have tools to go about facing the reality of the world and the people in it ‘as is,’ without wanting to sugar coat it for our child to ‘be safe from any bad influence’ – but, who determines what the bad, negative, wrong stuff is? I do, through reacting to it.

So, it’s a great point for me to look at and stop reacting in FEAR of ‘what it will do’ to a new being. I also discussed that with my partner and I came to see that ‘the other way around’ is the way to go, to expose the child to various kinds and types of people so that there can be a discernment formed over time about people and getting used to getting along and getting to understand – eventually – why some people are a certain way and make their own decision in how they go about with them.

All of these points have opened up as well in seeing how my family and I are used to handling kids. I may say I am working on ‘debugging’ myself from these thoughts, but in general there’s that sense of having to ‘be careful’ all the time, and having to ‘protect them from anything that could harm them,’ and trying to ‘prevent them from getting sick’ all the time and all sorts of paranoia that I notice has started to ‘kick in’ as the ‘mother/parent’ construct and I definitely can work on stopping it on its tracks at this stage.

Once that I ‘spelled out’ the point – which means talking about it – things changed – but! New points opened up like the ones I have explained here in relation to future projecting how ‘things could be’ – for the worst – and forgetting about rather focusing on ‘what’s here’ and supporting myself to be the best that I can in my day to day, rather than being up in my head fearing and scheming ‘the worst case scenarios,’ wherein I’m not seeing how THAT is actually causing fear and stress within me, which is far more directly affecting the being inside me than any other ‘person’ out there.

Now that’s more of an eye opening perspective that I need to have a clear awareness on, that’s my real responsibility Right Now. Whatever else happens and opens up in the future, as my partner said, then we will deal with it ‘then’ and look at solutions, but no need to start kind of taking the artillery out already and start seeing threats and problems everywhere where there are none for now. So I decide to trust myself in being able to face whatever may come our way with a new perspective.

Something else that assisted me to look at it from a different perspective, is to remind myself how many times whatever I may perceive as something that I could define as a limiting change or something that I fear having to do – yes, stepping out of my comfort zone – are usually opportunities to grow, to challenge, to develop ourselves further and approaching it from this perspective then takes the ‘mind away’ from merely focusing on ‘the worst’ and spending time on scheming only ‘in the mind’ what I would do in such ‘worst’ that is not HERE at all. It is a waste of time and as much as it might be just ‘ok’ to consider certain potentials, I do have to make sure I am not creating a predisposition to ‘all the worst that could be’ and feed that in my mind as if that is a sign of ‘care’ or creating some kind of ‘security’ for our child, because in the end the starting point and origin is still just: Fear.

I had also been worrying about how to go about these let’s say ‘out of the ordinary’ ways – in comparison to how things are ‘usually done’ here – which we are planning to apply with our child, which may stand in direct contrast with, for example, how other people in our family do things and how they approach their own children, etc. So in this, I also realized that there was that same fear of being judged or going through what I ‘went through’ when I started doing some radical changes in my life over a decade ago and I basically had to step-away from my family for some time, because I just could not really ‘get along’ with them.

What I didn’t consider back then is how I was reacting and judging them all the way, that’s what caused me to find it – apparently – ‘impossible’ to be around them, and this also came from a secret desire for them to do things ‘my way’ or ‘do the same process I was walking’ and in general just causing more and more conflict until yes, it was for the best that I simply stopped seeing them as often until I sorted out my own conflict projected towards them and learned how to Understand them and so be able to be around, know our ‘boundaries’ so to speak and still be willing to share and open myself up whenever asked or needed.

So upon realizing this, I have seen how this is one of those situations where I am projecting already ‘My own experience’ onto our child and this is quite the red alert as well, because this would be caused by nothing more and nothing else than my own prejudices, judgments, ‘loaded memories’ that would in turn surely would be super limiting and causing a new being to be conditioned by ‘MY’ experience around certain people. This means: the work that needs to be done is entirely WITHIN MYSELF, instead of starting to project onto others how I believe ‘things will be’ for our child based on my own past, which I now have to prove I can truly let go of – and embrace the blank page that’s growing within : )

Within this, then it was also supportive to have another one of those lengthy talks with my partner about ‘who I was’ in my family and how I came to single-myself-out from it and how I remained in judgment towards them as if that was ‘the only way to be.’ But, I realize that if I apply my own mindset towards the child, the actual consequence would be caused by myself, not by ‘others’ and that I would then be recreating the same problems and patterns I lived through for most of my life.

So, within all of this, everything of course points out to myself, to learn to be more unconditioned, to learn to see every new day as it unfolds as a blank page that we are freshly writing on and that each blank page does represent that opportunity to re-wire myself, to change the old programming of fears, worries, what ifs, pessimist attitudes and bleak future projections and instead, welcome the potential of the new phase that’s opening up. This means stopping feeding any idea of wanting to ‘save’ or ‘secure’ the child from certain things because, yep! That can lead to paranoia of not wanting the child to see the light of day so to speak, which is of course parental abuse as well. This is an exaggeration of course, but I’m playing it out this way so that I get to remind myself ‘what I’m doing’ every time that I go into my mind and start scheming things from a starting point of wanting to ‘prevent’ certain things and realizing it comes from a point of fear that I have to simply let go of.

How can this be practically done? By being able to self-forgive it out loud in the moment as it happens so that I can then lead myself back to realizing how this is not about ‘the child’ or ‘others’ but myself bringing up all of these ‘loose cannons’ as fears that I had not become aware of yet, because yes, this is certainly a new phase in my life and within that, there comes a whole new and uncharted territory that I can simply work with and face as I go with this kind of approach towards these seemingly ‘simple moments’ where I go into my mind and start fearing or future projecting some ‘worst case scenarios.’ That’s entirely possible and in my hands to do, and whenever I may ‘still’ see some of these fears as ‘very real,’ then that’s when I can talk them out, communicate them and cross-reference them with my partner and any other person that I trust their judgment on and create solutions – or simply get to understand a situation to then decide how to best act and approach it.

It may sound as if this point is quite ‘big’ within me, and it probably isn’t, lol. But I do like to in a way create awareness on it as if it was already a ‘big deal’ because it ‘could’ escalate if I don’t see it through this magnifying glass and understand what I am accepting and allowing whenever going into fears, judgments, prejudices, future projecting the worst and so on. Otherwise, I would go ‘brushing it off’ and I have seen the kind of ‘accumulation effect’ that we can create in our minds, where we then end up getting into a point or experience where things seem too big, too heavy, too difficult to change, because we allowed all those small moments of ‘feeding the patterns’ to go unnoticed – and therefore not taking responsibility for them – and that’s where I then go compromising my own standing and self-awareness.

So, all in all it has been cool to open up these points and even get to discuss them with my parents to understand ‘where’ they got those fears from, how they affected their lives with them and yes also get to understand that, to them, some may be quite difficult to change, but that’s where I also then have to see the opportunity that I currently have in my hands to ‘change the tide’ when it comes to those family patterns that have been already passed on to the younger kids in the family. It’s not like ‘they are screwed’ now, because there’s always the opportunity to take self-responsibility and later on as they grow, they also can decide to change – or not.

My point remains in reminding myself that the child to come is a blank page as well and that I have to be of utmost care to not approach that opportunity to raise another being with fears of ‘what runs in the family’ or ‘what has happened in the past’ or ‘what I went through as a child,’ because THEN I would most likely be conditioning all of that and imprinting that through my every move, voice tonality and interaction with the child.  I often criticize – judge – parents that see their children as ‘the problem,’ and still gets on my nerves to see how it seems impossible to look ‘back at themselves’ – as parents – to see that their child came into this world as a blank page – sure some genetics and so on – but most of who they turn out to be is determined by the environment – a.k.a. the parents, mostly.

I consider I am at a timely stage where I can create a big point of awareness within me of stopping projecting my own fears and what I defined as ‘bad/negative experiences’ onto a new being, and rather focusing on understanding my experience – which to me comes through nicely when communicating about it with my partner which always leads me to a resolution, a point of realizing where and how I need to be the change, while also knowing yep! Can’t create a ‘perfectly clear ground’ for another being and mostly being ok with the fact that I’ll face things as we go and that it is OK as well to make mistakes, learn through consequences, etc. Otherwise I’d go into control-freakism aaaand nope! We don’t need that either.

So that’s it, hope that this may be supportive for any of you, not only parents or parents to be, but anyone facing some of ‘the worst’ that exists in our minds in a seemingly ‘normal’ way. I would not have been able to bring myself through clarity without all the Desteni tools of self support and the invaluable self-supportive material available at Eqafe.com, specifically the Parenting series and everything else that you may find there as a way to understand our minds and so understand the ways that we can change that which we see no longer supports a new way of being and living, for the best, that is, embracing the blank page every day.

Thanks for reading!

 

Pessimism

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty


641. Early Stages of Pregnancy: Doubts, Fears, Worries and Getting to Own the Decision

 

 This is a long overdue blog, but there are a couple of reasons why I wanted to write and share about it once that there were certain points ‘in place’ for me to openly do it. This is about the most important decision I’ve made and am still actually learning to walk in my life and to get to a point of owning it, which will mean stepping into a new phase in my life, stepping into ‘the unknown,’ into what throughout most of my life had defined as ‘the most fearful thing’ I ever could think of doing – or the ‘biggest fear’ that I could name whenever anyone asked me ‘what is it the think that you fear the most?’ and one that I thought myself to be quite certain of when it came to ‘saying no’ to it – and yes, I even may declare myself as a ‘culprit’ for having also at times attempted to discourage people from doing, since I also went through a phase where I considered overpopulation was ‘the problem’ in our world – and not the nature of who we are and so ourselves being the solution, not the ‘quantity’ – but, I’ve learned my lessons and have given myself the chance to evolve from such limited mindset that was part of some brainwashing I went through when being a ‘concerned teenager.’ And yes, I truly thought that it wasn’t going to be something I’d have to go through in life.

Well, as always, Life says ‘here I come’ and change knocks at your door and….! I am now four months pregnant (!) and the idea of bringing a child into this world with the best person I’ve known and have had as a partner is an idea that is now sitting quite well within me and I am embracing more and more as days go by, where there is actual joy and gratefulness emerging as we continue to establish the foundation of who we are individually, what we would like to provide to our child and the benefits that we can create for a new person coming into this world, for ourselves and better so, for society and the world at large… but! This wasn’t my immediate experience and it’s been a process to get to that point – I’d say it still is – so this will be about sharing the experiences I’ve been having throughout these past months.

First of all, I didn’t want to share how fearful I was and still not having walked through those fears in a way that could be supportive for others to read and possibly learn from. So, this will be a detailed explanation of what I went through when finding out I was pregnant and being open about the fears that emerged, the uncertainties, the comparisons, the prejudices that yes perhaps I didn’t even dare to confront within myself, but that I deeply experienced and had to eventually work through within myself with the support of others to as well to it, which otherwise would have probably made this a lot tougher.

I found out in May 22nd that I was pregnant with a simple pregnancy test. I had my suspicions since I’m quite regular with my period and there was already like a 3 to 4 day delay, and there were other unusual ‘symptoms’ that I wouldn’t get in my regular period. This is not my first ‘am I pregnant?’ type of ‘scare’, but this time I was doubled-troubled about it, I feared it more than other times if it turned out that it could possibly be a ‘yes.’ Somehow in the back of my head I kept the idea of ‘possibly’ perhaps, maybe, somehow having a child later on, but interestingly enough somewhere last year I had made a very ‘clear’ decision to not go into the ideas of having a child – at least for now, or so I thought! Lol. Even though being honest, the thought did emerge based on the relationship I have with my partner, but then I simply went into a more ‘rational’ view that included certain fears about finances and being able to provide for a child up to the time they are  capable of supporting themselves. Yep, since then the money concern emerged as well.

But I have to backtrack a little bit because the whole context of myself throughout this year is quite interesting to look at in what I now see almost as a ‘preparation’ of what would come almost in the middle of the year. I decidedly started the year with what I have defined now as a healing and self-creation process, which involved walking the decision to support myself to work on some points that I had just been dragging around and that could ‘possibly’ be linked to causing some health issues – which were actually intermittently happening throughout the past year – and I decided to look for alternative ways to support myself instead of only resorting to taking medicine and hoping that I ‘eradicate’ it that way. In a ‘shout out’ to get support,  I took the offer from my fellow life-processer walker and sharp-eyed friend Leila to have a Life Alignment session with her for support, and I would say that such session at the end of December of last year  turned my life around for good.

 Leila’s support and session assisted me tremendously to become aware of certain patterns I was still defining as ‘having to carry them’ to finally come to understand, forgive and let go of them, which were most likely the emotional issues causing the consequences I was facing at a physical level. Through opening up all the points that came up in that session and taking the route of the suggested alternative support, I was able to open myself up to a healing phase and at the same time, to really step into a point of self-creation that I had kept ‘on hold’ because of, in a way, still ‘torturing’ myself with the past and not really forgiving myself completely.

So, from January on after that session with her, I visited a regular doctor to find out what I had – which yes had to do something with the reproductive system – and decided to go to alternative therapies to assist with the healing and body balancing process, while knowing that there were very clear points I had to work with and process emotionally as well, which I did as well and it definitely turned my life and inner presence around as well. I started taking Qi Gong classes which I definitely enjoyed, as well as getting to hear these other two alternative medicine specialists on ‘my case,’ which assisted me a lot as well to have that understanding of how I created my own symptoms and recurrent illness – and in a way, reinforce the perspectives that I had been ignoring: being able to self-forgive and let go. Yep, at times we can be stubborn in believing we have to ‘hold on’ to something as some kind of ‘pay for the sins’ – not recommended at all, folks.

I started focusing on what I wanted to create and do this year. I started working on developing a workshop related to developing self-introspection and self-creation through the creation of art. Here my friend and terrific Life Coach Joe Kou assisted me personally with grounding these plans and projects, along with my workshop partner to ground and refine this project we had and getting to define what we wanted to actually give to do and provide to others. I was quite excited about the whole process and I’m still grateful for everything that I got to learn and – most importantly – get to define for myself in terms of ‘who I am’ in my ever ‘doubtful’ type of relationship with art. The project may be on hold, but I’m quite certain that all of these talks with Joe also assisted me to tap more into my personal potential and getting back in touch with my creative capacity again, lol, perhaps the creative capacity emerged just in a ‘slightly’ different way, lol.

I consider that all of these initiatives to support myself and the changes that I embarked myself on at an internal and external level – like setting myself into a point of self-creation and ‘breathing life’ into myself again, gaining a new perspective on life – contributed to ‘opening the gates’ to something else that I had not necessarily planned or expected, lol. Interestingly enough all the alternative support I had was also focused on getting my reproductive organs and general hormonal system balanced out. I also did some changes in my diet, but I still had some deficiencies like feeling sometimes very weak and so on. Interestingly enough, I actually didn’t want my ‘next period’ to come, because of the last massive blood loss I have had, and what would I know? That such period never came… Lol! Well my body is wise after all.

So back to the point of finding out ‘the news’ and how this time around I felt very different to go and get that pregnancy test, I was actually fearful, I even got a bit pissed on the way back from the pharmacy which is a pattern I ‘thought’ I had already ‘nipped in the bud’. I recognize that I was simply quite fearful. Well, I came home, did the test and hoped that the faint line that appeared was simply a mistake, that it wouldn’t mean a POSITIVE result. See, I actually thought I was having some delays because my body had been quite wonky in the past weeks prior to my ‘period date,’ or I thought that all the homeopathy and acupuncture sessions would be destabilizing my period a bit, but it wasn’t like that. I asked Leila about it and well yep, she let me know that even if the line is faint… it is a YES. Lol, I had not read the pregnancy test instructions properly either it seems, since I later on read that was a common thing to happen even if it was ‘very faint.’

I called my partner right after I found out. I was quite shocked and didn’t know what to do, it’s almost as if I just wanted to ‘go back in time’ and avoid it all. We decided to talk it out at night when he came home. And his response – as always – is that of taking absolute responsibility and supporting me in whichever I decided. Yep, this was tougher in a way because he said he would be ok with whatever I decided – to have the baby or not – because of me being the one that would actually go through the whole physical process of birthing the baby, and yes understanding the role of the mother in it all. He stood firm in his disposition for whatever I decided, because he simply wanted me to be ok with it.

But, as he explained this, I saw that I just didn’t have it in me to say ‘no’ to this – and his calm and assertiveness to receive the news definitely gave me an example of how one doesn’t have to ‘freak out’ as one may expect.  This is where the notion suddenly hit me: a new LIFE is taking place now in your body as we speak and this is not a matter of chance. This is a result of me also having a relationship with my partner and acknowledging that, ultimately, there’s always that chance of getting pregnant even if there’s protection involved. And at the same time, I knew that it was only what I in the moment called ‘the worst of me’ that would say ‘no’ to it, which were a bunch of fears, self-definitions, comparisons, self-doubt and general uncertainty that would prevent me from saying ‘YES, let’s do it’. In other words, I knew that only ‘the worst’ part of me – or the weakest one – would say ‘No,’ because everything else can be worked out, like in terms of finances which was one of my biggest ‘fears’ around the idea of having a baby, but that has also changed as time has progressed and we’ve both opened up this point and I am very much learning from what I could say is more like my ‘partner’s process’ which has everything to do with entrepreneurship and financial education – which actually also touches on very similar principles that I’ve walked on for these past 11 years.  Money hasn’t been my ‘forte’ but I am learning a lot from how my partner currently approaches it, therefore I am learning to not only see fears and lack in my relationship with money, but rather learning HOW we can make things work and genuinely decide what is of real value, which we both agree on is not a ‘ton of material things’ in that sense, but rather seeing the actual wealth there is in the education that we can provide for the child as well.

Before this moment condensed into a reality, I actually have had a dream on April 16th where I would realize I was pregnant, and it felt extremely real, or dare I say ‘frightfully real.’ I would think something like ‘Oh oh! I’m pregnant, this is actually happening’ and I would kind of move to making a decision about it and I would think to myself: ‘Well, I guess it’s time to grow up now’ And my presence and nature would be that of embracing it, of actually accepting it and being ok with it. Only afterwards did some financial fears emerged about ‘how I would go on about it’, which I guess is one of the most common fears that emerge whenever you start planning to have a child or are already pregnant. I woke up from that dream and said  to my partner ‘I had a nightmare! And proceeded to share what the dream was about, Lol! But I let it go and didn’t make much of it.

So once that we were discussing about the pregnancy that night of the day we found out, I remembered that dream and how I had afterwards assessed that it had been ‘the best part of me’ that had stood up in the dream to be ok with it, accept it and embrace this maturity or new phase and ‘letting go of the childish me’ so to speak, which I know is also quite the problem in my generation, which involves not really wanting to take responsibility for ourselves, and ‘worse off’ not for any other either.  I also knew that in a way I was holding on to this belief that I had always said to everyone when asked about wanting or having kids and always saying ‘No, no, no… Me? No! that’s not for me, I won’t have kids. That’s the most important decision in life and the most important job in the world, and I respect parents a lot, they are really brave, hat’s off, but that’s just… not for me.’ But deeply inside knowing this was in fact cowardice and so in a way I realized that the time had come for me to face one of those ‘greatest fears,’ which I opened up about – to a certain extent – to my partner.

There was a sense of responsibility as well but also of understanding how I just was very scared of assuming now my decision and responsibility. I can definitely say that such discussion was assuring for me from the perspective that he assisted me to dispel some of the most immediate fears around money, about ‘not being capable’ of doing this and rather seeing the possibilities and how this kind of challenges would actually support us to grow more and to give ourselves another purpose to our lives together and in our personal development. I realized later on that, as he said, this was our chance to actually create some change in the world, which it certainly is. I’m glad as well how this is something I came to understand some years ago where I went from seeing kids as ‘a burden to the planet’ to more like the opportunity actually change the current state of affairs in humanity over the generations, and what a better way and opportunity to do so than with being able to raise a child.

At that moment I decided to say ‘Yes, let’s do it’ but it wasn’t a FULL decision made with the wholeness of my being. I still had the fears, the uncertainties, the fear of losing the baby in those first 3 months of gestation, the fear of going through problems that would not enable the proper development of the child, fearing that my body wasn’t ‘fit for it’ yet, etc. These fears plagued my head for weeks – and yes I accepted and allowed it. I knew that I had said YES and went on with it, but a part of me was simply fearing that ‘it would not happen,’ that my body was not ‘at its best’ to be carrying a baby. I also feared letting go of the plans I had recently created, I feared letting go of the ‘ME’ that I’ve known and the idea of just having to ‘do what I please’. Yep in essence, I did go through a mourning process in a way of having ‘my plans’ changed and then at the same time not having anything certain yet – nothing is, still – but in my mind at least it is now ‘safer’ to say that I am pregnant because of the amount of time that has transpired and because I’ve seen the baby developing really well in the womb J Who knows, yes anything can happen, but then I also walked another point that I will describe later on in terms of not being defined by the outcome, but walking a decision regardless of it.

So for me in general, finding out that I was pregnant, that WE are going to be parents and bring a human being into this world wasn’t immediately met with enthusiasm, happiness,  joy and jubilee – as I had perceived ‘I should have done’ but why? Because of my fears, mostly of the pregnancy actually ‘not sticking,’ of my body not being ‘fit’ enough to develop another life within me, not having ‘what it takes’ to bring a child into this world. These were mostly the fears that became an incessant type of doubt and uncertainty throughout most of the first weeks. And the fears then sparked up more and with some pains I had that demanded me to be ‘taking it easy’ most of the time and minimize my activity – like barely going out for 3 months – and then on top of that the nausea started kicking in… I just felt like in a limbo. That’s all I could say to my partner for some weeks ‘I feel like in a limbo’ of not being able to truly say ‘this is certain, we are having a baby’ or not, and yes there is that ‘weight’ over me to in a way ‘make it happen,’ but fortunately enough my partner was always supportive and considerate and not really concerned if it couldn’t get to form and ‘happen’ as expected. But he also taught me to stop expecting ‘the worst’ all the time, which I am still learning and frankly once again getting to step out of, since it’s almost as if my old-age pessimism kicked back in.

The nausea so far has been the worst of the pregnancy process up to now, I mean I don’t want to discourage anyone with saying this, but I do want to be as realistic as possible because this is my experience and I really felt like a zombie, like constantly ill for weeks on.  I also felt ‘odd’ for not being so ‘happy’ about the news at first  – even though when sharing the news to those closest to me, it felt like there was a sense of joy in it, but that I couldn’t just for now ‘take it for granted,’ so I would just go back to the limbo-phase of smiling but deep inside me, not really being certain of what I was ‘getting myself into’ nor if it would physically ‘work out, or that I had ‘what it takes’ to pull it off.  

I must say that abortion (miscarriage) had not been in my mindset or radar before, this I mostly got as a ‘real scare’ because of knowing of a situation from someone I know that went through it and that kind of placed it in my awareness and, yes, what can I say? I moved the least I could because, it would hurt and be painful to just go walking to the store close-by. I felt like crippled because of not having my ‘me time’ every day to just go out and about with my long walks and generally longed for ‘feeling fine’, but I also realized this was part of a process and decision I had agreed to go through and that I had to actually care about another’s life developing within me, one that me and my partner had planted as a little seed. And because yes a 20 minute walk ‘at my usual pace’ had detonated a pain that actually got me in pain and therefore in crying and fearing that I would be placing this baby’s life at risk, I decided to keep myself resting and that was definitely a tough time where even writing became very repetitive and somber with describing only the worst of the experiences, and found it difficult to see any ‘light at the end of the tunnel.’ I knew that this was taking a toll on me, so I reached out for support again.

Once again, it was through Leila’s support with her Life Alignment session that assisted me to actually open up this ‘limbo-mindset’ and get to face it, even though I had seen the fears moving in my mind and me demonstrating it and acting them out in what became, I would say,’ the pessimist me’ that was ‘waiting’ just for the time to pass so that I could have ‘some certainty’ of actually being pregnant, actually having a baby or not. More like desiring to have some ‘control’ over the idea of being pregnant or not.  Through the session I was able to face and open up the fears about ‘it not really happening’ and I actually allowed myself to realize I was in fact fearing not having the baby, and that I was at the same time in a way mourning or letting go of ‘the old me,’ and I got to see the ‘big’ point that I’ve seen comes up in my life when having to take care of another being: selfishness. And that whole idea of ‘me, my time, my life, only doing what I want and what I like’ and having that self-definition printed on me like my creed, a very limiting one to be honest. I actually cried out when realizing through the session how I was in fact preventing me from embracing, being happy and joyful about the pregnancy because of not wanting to create ‘a bond’ with someone that I could ‘lose’ or see not ‘happening’ if something went awry.

I’ve also taken this as if Life was also throwing this ball at me kind of like saying ‘So you speak of supporting life, and life in equality, and wanting the best for all eh? But you don’t want to actually have a child and see what it takes to actually care for another life as yourself?’ Well, this is my characterization of it lol, but I saw my own principles and words ‘staring back at me’ and this also led me to see that it was – again – only the worst of me that could be fearing stepping into a new phase in my life. Leila assisted me to realize there was a mourning process of letting go as well of ‘the me and my life that I’ve known up to now’ but most importantly, I was able to admit to myself that I actually wanted to have the child, I just feared not having it and having to go through the loss and the pain that goes with it.

In a way, I was creating a detachment  as a defense-mechanism to the whole idea of being pregnant because then my logic was ‘If it doesn’t ‘stick then I would not feel ‘attached’ or already ‘hyped’ with the idea and having let everyone know about the news.’ It became something like a ‘safe spot’ to be at, to not be so defined by the idea of having a child, because I still ‘could not be certain.’ Well, it then became obvious how then how my decision to say ‘Yes, let’s do it’ contained this whole point of uncertainty and fears in the background – and selfishness as well, making it about ‘how I feel’ instead of actually rooting and being up for giving it my all and being my best at it for something that I am deciding to do along with my partner.  So this also took some time for me to assimilate and actually open up to the new and actual change in life.

What opened up in that session also enabled me to discuss these points with my partner, and he was able to understand what I meant when I would say ‘I still can’t believe we are going to have a child’ – which he would understand as some kind of pleasant surprise statement, but to me it was a real ‘I can’t still be certain of it’, I still can’t ‘wrap my head around it,’ and also because of the early stages of it. So that was yet another very supportive talk we had, where we got to open up one of my most ‘ingrained’ traits, which is yes, pessimism and almost expecting the worst of all things to happen at any moment. So I got to open up about these and other fears, which is also where I got to see how my own mindset was generating this sense of uncertainty and fear, and how I wasn’t allowing myself to fully LIVE the decision of having a baby and instead, being almost like ‘leaving it at the hands of life to decide what would be or not be.’ And here it’s very relevant to make a distinction as well because sure, it could have or could still happen that it doesn’t work out, and that then would be something for me to get to understand, learn from, embrace and move on with. But I no longer fear having to go through it as I did at the beginning.

The main point here is how I was creating this whole fear and uncertainty because of not realizing that I could decide to be OK with either/or scenario as well. I was defining myself already by the idea that ‘losing the baby’ would be a bad, negative, painful process and that would ‘define me’ somehow – so that’s how I then would ‘prevent’ going through all such ‘negative things’ by remaining in that limbo = not being truly standing in and as my decision to have the child, because then logic said “If ‘something happens’ = It would not be something that I was already ‘attached’ to, or future projecting about.” Well, this was quite revealing to me in how I was in fact standing only in fears and prejudices. I had to stop. My partner was awesome in discussing this with me, he is in fact the most supportive partner I’ve ever had and has been an exemplar pillar of support for me since day one, and he was able to assist me to face these points and to realize that I didn’t have to be defined by either outcome, that either way: Life goes on and we will be fine at the end of it all.

An interesting thing though to realize is that at that stage and having walked our first months with the pregnancy together, I realized that based on how enthusiastic he was, how he pushed himself to from the get-go get himself ‘moving’ to do things he needs to do to have sufficient time and financial support for when the baby arrives, and how every single day he would wake up with a smile in his face and saying ‘we’re going to have a baby!’ that even if this didn’t ‘happen,’ I would still go through the whole thing again to try it again. Lol! I can’t believe my words, but it is so. Based on the values that we share, the ‘who we are’ that we can share with a new being definitely becomes an attractive idea that overrides everything else that I also feared like the actual pregnancy and birthing process, the incessant crying, the growing pains, the discomforts when they are little babies etc.… that goes to a secondary stage when placing ‘what we both have to offer’ to a child, not to mention that he loves children and is quite a natural with them, treating them the same way as I do, not from an ‘I’m an adult and you are a child’ type of starting point, but one of equals and talking to them as the fully formed beings they are. And so that does fill my heart with joy in a way, to work together now on someone else based on seeing how well we get along and how supportive and loving we are to each other, as in really assisting ourselves to be the best that we can as individuals.

What has emerged within me therefore is an actual gratefulness of this opportunity to bring a child into this world and I basically turned my stance around from indecision, fears, what ifs, future worst-case scenario creations to rather being able to trust myself in this, to know that we can together handle this because we got the foundation that’s most important – from my perspective – a solid, supportive and loving relationship where we each have demonstrated each other to support ourselves to live the best that we can be, and that we haven’t ever ‘pushed us down’ to become the worst of us, but quite the contrary, and this has been a daily living thing, which has shown tremendous results in both of our lives.  

I am not fearful or ashamed to say that this time around, I wasn’t the ‘strong one’ with this whole new path and decision in my life, I wasn’t the one that would ‘help the other’- as I was used to – to come to terms with something. I was definitely the one that was supported by my partner who stood solid and quite optimistic about the whole thing. It was definitely another point of ego for me to let go of, because I had always believed that in my relationships, I’d always be the one to ‘help the other out,’ and I am actually glad and grateful to be with someone by your side that is there to support you when one is crumbling in fears and in a general low. So, it is also safe for me to say that as much as the decision was placed ‘on my plate,’ I knew that this decision would not only impact me of course, that this was part of my partner’s life process and a point that was opening up for both of us in the path we decided to walk together J And I couldn’t be happier about it now that I’ve come to assimilate it, embrace it and root for it as the days go by. 

But, who knows if I haven’t had a supportive partner or someone that was as pessimist as I was, or as fearful or only focusing on ‘financial problems’ or seeing it as a ‘load’ or doubting themselves in not being able to ‘pull it off.’ I guess that things would have been a bit different, but this is also a general point to become aware of when being in a relationship and not having a super secure method to avoid pregnancy – if not desiring to have any children –  to be aware of the possibilities of getting pregnant and making sure that one is in a supportive relationship, that one can actually step into that possibility of having a child together and know exactly where each other stands in it. Otherwise, this is also a problem in humanity where people just ‘get together’ because they ‘like each other’ or have some ‘fun together,’ but have no idea of where each one stands in the ‘hypothetical’ yet very possible scenario of having children which it surely is a life changing situation.

In my case, that is something I considered, I observed and assessed and ‘tested the waters’ on with my partner to know where he stood in such potential situation. It would have been quite different if ending up pregnant with someone that perhaps really dislikes children or wants to just have a partnership relationship forever. So even if this wasn’t planned, I sure knew where my partner stood about it and now I embrace that unconditional support that he has become for me in my life and receive it in gratefulness, instead of perhaps going into regret for not having stood up and being ‘my best’ from the get go – this is part of the things I probably had to learn and experience firsthand to then be able to root or ground myself in this life changing decision.

There are so many other things that have opened up in relation to walking now into a bit of a more ‘certain’ phase of the pregnancy, like looking at how it will change our lives, the ‘letting go’ of ‘me/my-time’ for some years, but at the same time actually being glad about it because it is in fact an opportunity to test myself in a whole new terrain, to learn more about myself, to learn to work in a team with my partner, to learn to live that unconditional love and care towards another being, and be that which I would want every newborn child in this world to have: a supportive environment, a supportive family, a pair of individuals that are preparing themselves to do the best they can to bring up a life in this world that can continue our individual paths to become better human beings in all that we do. It is fascinating how to me this is what excites me the most and knowing that this is a child that will contain both of our lives and paths to in a way, re-birth ourselves into the best, to assist in the process of possibly getting to correct the things that we both know is the worst of us and to be able to in essence create – perhaps – a better version of ourselves and of our parents in this forthcoming phase of our lives.

So in essence, now that the nausea has subsided, now that I’ve seen how the baby is doing, there’s more of a sense of certainty around it. And even with the process of planning, placing ourselves in the position of ‘preparing’ to the next year when baby arrives, is opening up so many cool discussions between us where I get to be more and more certain and actually quite happy and grateful to be carrying a life that contains my partner’s life as well, because he is quite an extraordinary human being that has demonstrated, in a rather short period of time, to be able to turn his life around in ways that few people I know have been able to. That assists me in my own trust and confidence to walk into this new phase in life.

It’s also very relevant for women to have that kind of support in a partner considering that I have seen how there are emotional upheavals, there are changes one goes through in the body and that having a partner that doesn’t react to my ‘emotional upheavals’– but understands it’s part of the process –  that gives comforting words and caresses, that doesn’t judge my body as it goes through its changes, that helps me to see that the discomforts and so on is part of the process for something better to come is something that I am truly grateful and learning from, and absolutely relevant and a great example as well for me to see how it is possible to face even the ‘difficult parts’ with a better sight on things to come. So if you are a male reading this, it’s best to also do your part on getting to understand what women go through in pregnancy, which is what my partner has done in his spare time, even to the point where he has now gotten to explain certain things to me, because he’s made the decision to be there all the way to support me and wants to be, what he calls, a ‘second mother’ lol, and not be the typical father role that is portrayed in pregnancy books-  or at least the older ones that I got from my sisters J

So to me, as important as it is to be taking physical care of myself, having proper nutrition – after a few of the rather not so supportive ‘cravings’ I gave into in the first weeks – gaining more confidence in going for walks, stepping out of general fears and doubts of ‘being able to do this,’ and more like embracing the being that is growing in me it is also important to have that equal stance from the other in the relationship. So as with anything, I guess for anyone reading this my suggestion is to yes prepare the body and one’s mind as much, but to also fully, fully disclose and talk things out with your partner first and know ‘where he stands’ in it all, because it does require great courage to embrace this in the best way possible. Sure we all got our points to walk, but that’s where having that support in one another comes in to face such experiences. Well, I say this, but I bet my partner would simply say that any challenge in life is an opportunity to motivate himself more, a challenge that makes him just push himself and see the benefits that it creates, which become a well-rounded purpose in life and that to me is quite an example I am learning from and grateful to be walking along this new path with.

To me this whole process has taught me how I don’t have to play strong all the time, or still fall into the belief that ‘I am the one that should save or assist others,’ but rather recognize my own weaknesses and be ok with receiving support from those that are around me and to ask for specific support when needed, otherwise, who knows where I would have been without the support I got from my partner, my immediate family, Leila, Joe and the people that directly worked on myself and my body with the alternative therapies, which I am also grateful for having the opportunity to have.

I realized it is also OK to not be initially happy, ecstatic, joyful and jumping up and down about the idea of being pregnant. I understand that I don’t have to compare myself to how other women – specifically – have faced their pregnancy or motherhood process, and I kind of knew that I set myself up to this kind of uncertainty and fears because of me having fed the fears of ‘having a baby’ or ‘becoming a parent’ for most of my life, it was ‘THE’ most feared point in my existence, and I held it as a very ingrained belief. So this is another learning point to become aware of what we say ‘never to’ and realize that Life may have a different plan for us and that we may actually end up facing such things we ‘fear the most’ and that it is actually not something to fear, but to rather take on as a challenge, an opportunity for growth, for change and to embrace the opportunities and paths that it will entail.  And that it is ok to not be all smiles about it, but take it as a very physical process of growth and development that it is and eventually as the very real responsibility and opportunity to challenge myself that it will represent with all that entails to be a parent, and be definitely fully UP for it – or at least knowing that I can trust myself to work on the bits I may go facing and being uncertain of, or the mistakes I may make. It’s all part of life.

I wake up every day aware of being pregnant and that is quite something to see growing in my body, but more so enjoying as well how this has opened up so many potentials in our lives in how we can best support a new child coming into this world, how to best prepare us, how to be also OK with making mistakes and facing the unexpected too, to not try and have everything ‘under control’ or attempt to ‘know as much as I can’ either. I am also allowing myself to simply take it easy with it, focusing on our physical wellbeing and continuing building the bond with my partner through it with the expectation of a third person coming into our home J He says we will be having so much fun, and I’m so glad he sees it that way because it is contagious how he can talk about what I would’ve defined as ‘tough things to go through ahead’ and he’d see it as something funny to go through, something challenging that can push one to the limits of seeing how much one can stand through. Lol, anyways it has assisted me a lot to have a different outlook on the idea of becoming a mother, becoming parents and yes, why not, also leaving that ‘selfish-me’ phase behind, which sure might be challenging, but hey, this is what Life has now placed on my plate, so that means I’m ready, I can take it, let’s do it J

Thanks for reading if you got up to here! I’m open to any feedback, questions or comments – or any topic that may require going into some depth.

For Spanish speakers, I’ve been sharing my weekly process within the pregnancy and reflecting back on how things apply to anyone else in their lives in my Encausarte Podcast from Episode #23 on.

Recommended series! Parenting on Eqafe.com

 

Life Emerges

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty


385. The Most Important Job in the World: Parenting

 

A Review & Commentary on the Documentary ‘The Naked Room’/El Cuarto Desnudo (México, 2013)

Throughout this process I’ve realized that the most important job that exists is that of being a parent. As I go understanding the fabric of our society, I can see directly how the lack of parenting skills or even the inability to know what these are or should be reflects back to our society, shaping each one of us into the individuals that at the same time, create the nature of the ‘world-system’ as is, because when we talk about ‘the world’ it’s not really the Earth, the living beings other than humans that are the problem – the whole and sole problem is who we have become as human beings and how we have shaped, modified and distorted reality through and by our mind as a consequence of lacking any efficient education and parental guidance while we are brought up in this world, which in turn affects every other part of our reality as well.

So in essence, we’ve lacked the skills to support ourselves as the units of our society to grow strong, healthy, stable and with clear directives in our lives and as a result, this society is the mirror of the lack and/or misguidance of parenting skills.

 

El cuarto desnudo/The naked room from AMBULANTE on Vimeo.

“The naked room” shows a whole world without leaving a single space: the examination room in a children’s hospital in Mexico City. Listening to the children, their parents and the doctors during consultations allows us to have a more profound and complex view of our social reality and of human nature.

 

I watched the documentary ‘The Naked Room/ El Cuarto Desnudo’ some weeks ago, here’s part of a synopsis I found about it:

The Naked Room exposes the complex and hard situations that are the consequence of something as simple as a kid wishing for a more loving brother. Also, the behavior of people with a mental disorder, a condition that always affects the loved ones (sometimes even physically). Ibáñez has not created a documentary to be enjoyed by everybody per se, I mean, we’re dealing with a brutal theme in a very direct way, with no pauses; it’s a constant display of human sadness and mental problems.

It can be easily described as a depressing film, after all it’s a natural view to the life of several persons, and some of their closest relatives, whose hopelessness has lead (some of them) to go as far as attempting to take their own lives. In a way, The Naked Room is here to explain the “why” behind suicide or self-harming, specifically when the problem happens to a kid or a teenager. What’s great about Ibáñez’s film is the fact that she is not trying to explain anything by interviewing doctors and relatives or using information from other sources. The doc is simply crafted: it’s entirely based on footage obtained from a series of meetings between psychiatrics and patients.

Ibáñez knew that showing those conversations was enough for a thought-provoking piece. All she had to do was place the camera at the right spot and then working inside the editing room. And the camerawork is really interesting and precise; firstly, it only follows the patients, hence some scenes are just fascinating: observing the facial expressions of the children while their respective relative is talking with the doctor brings a unique feeling, as the conversations deal with nothing childish, indeed.

For about half an hour we don’t see the same patient more than once, so The Naked Room engages you. The audience will want to know what’s behind, for instance, a problematic kid whose father has threatened to abandon him in the streets. There are many patients involved, so when each one of them appears again, you might be a bit confused, not remembering who is who; that could have been a flaw related to the structure, but the confusion is always temporal.

And, ultimately, the diversity only helps the documentary to be thematically richer. It can be seen as an exploration of teenagers, with such themes exposed as insecurity and social rejection, but that’s just one of its layers. The Naked Room is, simply, one of the strongest Mexican films of the year (my personal favorite from the Morelia documentary selection), even when it’s simply crafted, like I said, and very short (less than 70 minutes).”

Read more: http://twitchfilm.com/2013/10/morelia-2013-review-the-naked-room-el-cuarto-desnudo-a-powerful-display-of-sadness-and-insanity.html#ixzz2wu4eXQg1

 

The constant identification of parental patterns being transmitted onto children, the lack of creating supportive familial relationships and living environment, the lack of money to have proper nutrition, healthcare, education themselves, the fact that some parents didn’t want their children in the first place, the fact that they resort to hitting them for not complying to do what they asked them to do, the physical and verbal abuse between parents, the divorces and separations that affect a child’s ability to learn and interact with others properly, the lack of sexual orientation support, the threats used as a way to establish discipline that are depicted as part of the reasons why the kids in this documentary develop mental instability, can all be traced back to the parents and the unfortunate lack of skills, information and education on how to deal with their own lives, their marriage/relationships and in turn how to be a mother or a father.

In turn, parents have only learned to react to seeing the problem that their children develop as something born out of the blue, which is the position of becoming a victim to their children’s mental instability in the form of worry and preoccupation due to not knowing ‘what is going on with their children?’ without realizing that their role is inevitably implied within what their children are experiencing as well. However, can we talk about it solely being ‘their fault’?

 

nakedroom1

 
Understanding Who We Are as The Mind

Parents were educated in turn by their own parents and consequently the same has happened to those parents as well, which means that the parent-child relationship is the essential relationship that has shaped (ruined) the way that we develop ourselves as human beings. You might react and say ‘not me’ and I could as well, but the fact is that even if one can consider oneself having ‘good parents’ or ‘supportive parents’ the moment that there’s no principle of support to understand the mind, the feelings, the emotions, the ‘who am I’ as the mind and assist with the integration of physical living words that we can live as a decision, a self-directive process that one directs oneself to express as a Living Principle, one is already missing out the most important aspects of our relationship to ourselves, others and in turn the ‘who we are’ and will become as we come of age in this world – instead, we’ve been brought up with mechanisms that use fear, control, violence, abuse, threats in order to establish some sense of discipline and direction, as well as happiness, rewards, ‘love’ and the illusion thereof as ways to create the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ definitions that we’ve limited ourselves by, going all the time attempting to be ‘happy’ and/or dreaming of reaching an eternal happiness without even understanding how that is also a mindjob essentially. We’ve only learned to ‘cope with reality’ by reacting to the environment, to another’s words, to take things personal, to seek revenge, to be spiteful and that is of course already a massive fault in parental skills.

Not to blame ‘them’ though…

The reality is that we’ve never ever had such skills, because we had not ever before understood who we are as the mind, how it is that we are separated from our physical body through and by the mind which is a Mind Consciousness System, a design, a programmed patterned system that generates thoughts, feelings, emotions and through this our behavior, personality, fears, reactions, beliefs, etc. that we have adopted and believed is ‘who we are.’ In this documentary we can see this reality as spectators of a glimpse of how far one can experience one’s emotions and feelings to the extent of wanting to die just because there is no proper medical support, assessment or understanding of what the mind is, what our emotions is, how the patterns that we’ve acquired from parents are imbued from the moment of conception, and at birth we are directly influenced by every single word that parents speak, every single move, every single experience that parents have within themselves while being with the child – and this I am almost certain only an excruciating minority of parents have taken into consideration.

 

it is so damn clear in this documentary how the fact that we have taken our minds personally and others’ reactions personally, while being unable to understand Why such patterns of aggression, violence, harm, hatred exist and are coming from ‘those’ that should have ‘cared’/‘educated us’ to be able to live in this world the best way possible, which is what creates the traumatic experiences within children  that evolve to become ‘mental illnesses’ because of our inability as parents to stand as living principles for them, to become all of us in society a living example of how to live, interact and direct oneself in this world. This has been our ‘missing link’ in the relationship between parents and children, but also in our society as a whole.

 

The-Naked-Room

 

The First Seven Years of Your Life

At Desteni it’s been explained how the time-frame of development from ages 0-7 is crucial in our development because that’s where the ‘programming’ process of the mind takes place, activating all the pre-existent patterns coming from parents, integrating new ones from the child’s interaction with their immediate environment – which are most of the times, parents or any other ‘parental figure’ –

“The inheritance and transference of the survival skills from both your parents takes place when the entire mind consciousness system develops within you within the mother’s womb together with your physical development. The copying and duplication of the survival skills from both your parents takes place through your observations, interactions and participations with your parents’ as the parent/child relationship develops during your childhood years (from two to three years up to the age of thirteen years).”

Veno – Structural Resonance – Part 2 – Phase 5

 

This means that the direct effect of our words, thoughts, behavior and emotional or feeling participation is imprinted onto children from such early stage of their lives, with them being like a virgin cd that one is about to literally ‘burn’ with information that they will simply then replay, adjust and ‘upgrade’ throughout their entire lives.  That is the magnitude and importance of the responsibility we have toward every individual that is born into this world: the world we have for them at their arrival will become the program, the structure, the patterns they’ll accept as ‘how things are’ with the possibility of only changing them once that they’ve walked their own lives, their consequences and decide for themselves to change what they have learned up to that point, which is the process of Self-Honesty and Self Responsibility that we are walking here at Desteni.

 

So, while watching the documentary El Cuarto Desnudo I could understand for example what has been explained in the  Spite series of interviews at Eqafe in relation to Self-Harm. Some of the kids in the documentary attempting to commit suicide, cut/punch/harm  as a response to the disbelief they had of having their parents attacking them, insulting them, not giving them all the necessary attention, hitting them, abusing them in various ways as well as managing them with ‘fear’ which in result, in a helpless attitude of ‘I just don’t know what to do with her/him anymore, doctor!’ which to a young child it doesn’t make sense that your parent, your ‘guide’ is becoming your own worst enemy or an inept person to take proper care of you and as such, even if they say ‘they care for you’ or they ‘love you’ they are still not being supportive at all in the situation… doesn’t make sense isn’t it?

And no, it won’t make sense. And this is the point we’ve missed all along and that can actually support, assist parental relationships to entirely change because what hasn’t been understood is how the Mind operates, how the mechanisms of creation of energy as emotions, thoughts, feelings is what has become the directive principle, the sole ‘director’ of ourselves to the extent that we comply to such mind/thoughts/feelings/emotions absolutely ignoring our physical bodies, the living flesh that we are and that we should never ever harm in order to ‘relieve’ some sort of emotional or feeling experience which comes from a constant struggle and inner conflict to ‘cope’ with what’s going on up there in the mind, because the children look perfectly ‘healthy’ at a physical level, but in the mind they are certainly completely possessed and this is a clear testimony for us to see what the mind does to the physical body and why it is so important to take responsibility for our minds, our bodies and completely take both into consideration before continuing inflicting any harm or abuse upon oneself, only acting upon what we ‘feel’ or experience as thoughts, emotions in the mind.

In the documentary, almost every child would cut/harm themselves, and I’m talking about Children here –  which becomes a form of self-spite: anger toward oneself so that it becomes a way to spite the parents, which doesn’t make sense to spite oneself in an attempt to get another’s attention or ‘get back at’ someone when one is being ‘attacked’ by another, as that will then in turn become the attack and abuse onto oneself, the very same attack that one can be complaining about is coming from parents.  However because children are not taught how to deal with the emotions they have at a mind level, the only way to ‘cope’ with this inner turmoil which becomes self-hate is to resort to self-destruction. Do ‘they’ really want to do it? No, it’s who they are as the mind that want to harm themselves, just because the amount of energy continued to be thought of and used up by the individual is too extensive for the child to stop and get back to physical reality to understand how one is abusing one’s own body and in essence doing onto themselves what they were complaining that others were doing onto them at first – and this is how the ‘chain’ of self-abuse is continued.

 

EPSON scanner image

 

 

Learning from the Parents

With friction and conflict stemming from their family/environment situation, children learn to ‘cope’ with the constant conflictive and problematic situations with their own emotions generated as a reaction to things they see in their environment, things they are unfortunately done onto, and not having any way to stand up or stop participating in these automated reactions in the mind. And these can obviously be of a wide variety of factors, such as lack of money/education that turns into a poor household where parents have to work to make a living for the entire day – being left with other family members that might turn abusive, that might not properly care after them – sometimes the parents/relatives resorting to alcohol/drugs to cope with stress, to mitigate hunger, to mitigate family abuse, being depressed, being in the verge of financial bankruptcy…. there’s also marriage disruption, physical and verbal abuse between parents, abuse from parents to child which turns into children then hitting the parents/spiting the parents, desperation from parents for not knowing what to do with them and so children see themselves as being ‘a problem’ a ‘drag’ to the parents to the extent that they reason it’s best to die/commit suicide than continue living – and this may come from parents expressing them that ‘they don’t know what to do with them any longer’ or how ‘they wished they had never been born’  which once again, to a child and even if you the reader  never got told this, placing ourselves in the shoes of children being told this, it is mostly obvious that there will be a reaction of feeling worthless, not desired, not loved, inferior and this remains as permanent rejection throughout their lives unless they encounter support while growing up to not take such words personally, but understand how they come from parental distress, desperation, not knowing ‘what to do’ with their own lives and in turn not knowing what to do with their children.

 

There might emerge a desire to blame parents for that – but blame once again would lead us to miss out the point here. Blaming, holding grudge, being constantly mad, angry, frustrated at parents or even hating them is only the outflow of not getting a supportive, comforting and adequate parental support for the parents themselves to begin with while they were in the position of being the children. And one would say, yes, it makes sense to be angry for not getting that – but, this is where I implore you to consider the ‘greater context’ which is how I assisted myself to – within and after the documentary ended – be able to clearly see where the surges of blame or anger toward parents were coming from and immediately understand how it is necessary to see the ‘greater context’ to take all points into consideration to understand such parental and children relationships throughout our entire history.

The key here is understanding a very, very important point: All can be Self-Forgiven and Must be Self-Forgiven in order to stop holding on to the grudges created from children to parents and vice-versa if we truly want to change the world.

 

Human Chains (pic)

 

No ‘parent’ knows How to be a Parent.

No person is born knowing How to be a parent, a self supportive and adequate one, how to become an example for your child to ‘look up to’ because No Human Being has EVER been such Living Example for oneself or for others – yet. Sure there have been great personalities in the world that were ‘great men and women,’ but even that one can notice that people in politics or social change in the world such as Mandela for example, when his daughters were interviewed they were proud of him for the principles he stood for, but as a parent they had no further comment other than really not knowing ‘him’ as such, because he had not really been around with them….. point to ponder.

So, the problem is in fact not that we haven’t learned ‘how to be a parent’ but how to be a Living Human Being. We have only been mind-robots driven by thoughts, feelings, emotions, not knowing ‘how’ to cope with them, how to direct them because we entirely accepted ‘who we are’ as our mind and so, what happens is that the moment that we Identify ourselves with the mind as ‘Who we are’ entirely without any possibility of change, that’s where we dissociate ourselves from our ability to be self-directive which means, realizing that everything that we’ve become is the byproduct of generation after generation of human beings that have not known how to direct/deal with one’s thoughts, feelings and emotions – in essence with one’s mind – but only learned from certain religious and moral dogmas and ‘authorities’ that became only ways to control people through fear, or control through the illusion of ‘love’ which is another point I have had previously discussed.

 

 

What does being a Living Human Being mean?

The self that we all have and can become the moment that we start living and applying the realization that one has to honor, support, care, develop and nurture oneself to become an example of what it is to act, do and speak what is best for oneself and everyone else as equals. Becoming the Living Word, the Living Example for oneself and others to follow as the norm, the way, the law of our being in which we can trust ourselves and each other to realize that no matter what: I honor, consider, support and care for myself , I stand as my own support and as such, stand as support for and toward everything/everyone else as myself, as life, as equals. This is the standard, this is how we can genuinely ‘change the world.’

So because we have failed to live this way with and for ourselves, the consequence is and has been that all our relationships have failed to be fruitful and bloom into a world that we can all be genuinely ‘happy’ to live in. With understanding this premise of the ‘legacy’ we have in terms of the ‘human nature’ as the mind, the generation after generation passing of ‘the sins of the fathers’ it then becomes much easier to understand why a human being that has taken the role of being a parent has failed to become a living example for his/her children, because the consideration of being a Living Human Being has never existed – yet we do have all the potential of each one of us becoming such living example of being the human beings that we all know we can be and become – and this is where our responsibility resides: to ensure that we can be the example of how the so-called ‘human nature’ is able to be self-forgiven, stopped, self corrected and changed.

 

This understanding that I just shared here in written words is what I used to then see, realize and understand and self forgive the surges of any emotions that could have been accumulated while watching the documentary, and through this understanding rather seeing this documentary not only as presentation of the problems we have within children at a mental level – instead, it also becomes a  motivation to see once again for myself that there is just SO much that is required to get done in relation to education in this world, so much to be understood about the mind, who we are as the mind and how we can in fact support each other to assist those children to change and solve their experiences… but most importantly the Parents of those and any other children to prevent ‘The Naked Rooms’ around the world where children attempt to get support from psychiatrists, while not even being aware of the root and cause of the problem: ourselves as individuals, as human beings that have never lived to the best of our potential – but have only ‘coped’ with reality through and as a mind system that generates constant friction and conflict as the experience of ‘living.’ And to grasp this there’s quite a lot of understanding and information to self-educate oneself about this, which I will provide at the end of this blog.

 

 

Self Forgiving the Sins of the Parents 

Once one understands how ‘who we are’ is the reflection of what we’ve always been since the beginning of ourselves as humanity, we can truly see that there is no other way out of our hatred, our anger, our despair, our grudges, our laments, our grief toward parents, children, relatives or authority figures other than applying the principle of Self Forgiveness. Without Self-Forgiveness it would be very difficult to come to a resolution about any form of abuse that one has experienced through one’s life, whether from parents or anyone else. So I suggest to dissolve the word tag of ‘parent’ for a moment and just see ourselves as human beings, not being born knowing ‘how to live’ and ‘how to be self-directive in our mind’  and begin applying Self-Forgiveness for allowing ourselves to be driven by thoughts, emotions, feelings, reactions wherein as a child, one has no further idea as to what is being experienced within self – all the fear, the worry, the stress, the anger, the rage,the hate that is formed at home toward parents, siblings, teachers, schoolmates, all of it existing within self without proper direction other than medicines and ‘cures’ that don’t take into consideration the source and core of the problem: the who we are and have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become as the mind.

 

I’ve noticed that one of the most difficult things to do for children/people that have been abused by others – whether they are parents, siblings, relatives, schoolmates, etc. – is the ability to self-forgive, to absolutely take into consideration and understand why the other individual abuses, take into consideration their entire life, their entire upbringing, their social and economic background, their habits/addictions, their ‘modus vivendi’ and experiences and how they too also didn’t know at the same time HOW to deal with their own minds, and how it is the same for all of us – not a single one left without a mark – of passing this unresolved understanding of who we are as human beings from generation after generation up to the point where our ‘fuckups’ are escalating to the extent that one can only look at 3 year olds – or even earlier than that now –to already see the patterns they mirror of the parents and the generations that have gone before us.

One could say: well how come they learn to manipulate, to spite, to be envious and selfish, to be depressive, to be sensitive, to be angry, to hit others to get what they want, to treat others as superior or inferior, to like and dislike, to be a stubborn… and yes, a child is the entire reflection of the parents and of humanity in its entirety for that matter that only develops the rest of the pre-installed programming through the interactions with parents and the environment. And because it is only now that we are understanding these mechanisms that exist within the mind in the physical and the vital importance that this mind and physical relationship has in our upbringing, it means that we still have a lot to do in this world in order to make each one of us aware of this process, how to direct it, how to support ourselves so that we can start establishing solutions and a new educational process where we can change the world by changing humanity, which means: changing the way that we educate ourselves as human beings, which implies at the same time that the relationship between parents and children is the one we have to focus on, as it will be the guideline and blueprint for all other relationships developed by the child throughout their/our entire lives.

 

This also thus ties in with the previous blog entry wherein I explained to the people that first didn’t want to hear how it is about time that we STOP the patterns that we’ve continued from generation after generation in relation to the abuse of ‘educating children’ by hitting them, or teaching them to ‘fight/attack back’ upon abuse or become spiteful and vengeful… all of this MUST GO and Must be stopped by ourselves as the parents, the family members, the teachers, the siblings, the people around kids to become the examples of the way we can Always direct ourselves in a way that is best for everyone: self supportive, considerate, being able to communicate effectively, being the living words of the principles we want our children to embody as well and as such, children will learn by default  – from their very first interactions in a world where we all act and live by principle of what is best for all and as such, by default, learn how to live by principles too.

It is only an excuse and negligence to say that the human can’t change, that we can only resort to psychologists or psychiatrists – this is unacceptable. What we require is to apply a New understanding and vision of who we are as human beings in order to support every single being that comes into this world to adopt the new living ways that we can begin living within ourselves individually and in the ‘without’ as the way the world system operates. For that, investigate the Living Income Guaranteed to provide support for parents to have sufficient time to stay at home implementing the new education available for parents and for any other individual –regardless of being a parent or not – at the DIP Lite course for free.

 

It certainly won’t be the same to bring a child to a self-supportive world where you have a guaranteed income/have your human rights being genuinely granted and assured with money provided to you from birth than a baby that is born in a condition of poverty in a third world country where not even a solid foundation of family or parents exist, because everyone is on a survival modality. It doesn’t make sense anymore to continue allowing our children to grow up in front of the TV and computer screens or taken care by ‘third parties,’ and the reason why this is so is because everyone has to ‘get a job to live’ and there’s no support given to parents to get time to educate their children. This should make it clear how it is all of us that are ‘shooting our leg’ by not providing to each other the right to life, so it’s about time we understand that the new way of Living is to Support Ourselves and Support All Life Equally to become our fullest potential.

 

To learn how to stop being only a mind that perpetuates the patterns and sins of the fathers, research:

 

Parental Support:

 

Parenting and Educational Blogs:

 

Vlogs:


Day 51: Tuff Luff –Pregnancy

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that seeing the picture of a man placing his face against her wife’s pregnant body is something beautiful and ‘touching,’ which is in fact only me acting from a preprogrammed accepted symbolism of seeing motherhood/ parenthood as one of the ‘miracles in the world,’ which I’ve had mixed and encountered opinions about throughout my life, yet most likely always having seen it as something rather disgusting and disturbing, within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be confuse about motherhood and being pregnant and having children, because of having condemned it for the past second half of my life wherein I have been diligently exposing why Not brining kids into this world is a sane and responsible decision, yet when I read about ‘becoming a parent’ I obviously react in fear and absolute denial because of the disgust that I’ve held toward the entire pregnancy process that a woman endures.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let the moment ‘go by’ whenever I got this awful reactions by watching both of my niece an nephew’s ‘birth time’ on a screen, wherein I was absolutely horrified by the entire scenario, almost like watching some massacre on the screen and becoming disgusted and having this nausea in my stomach, yet being confused as to not being able to word it to anyone else because: everyone else was just laughing and crying of joy.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was ‘something wrong’ within me because I would see the point of being pregnant and giving birth as an obvious disturbing process, and within this having mixed-thoughts, perspectives and emotions about it, which indicates that I haven’t established my perspective about this for the obvious fear that I have of ever being pregnant which is a point that I have vowed myself to not do in this life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep within me the memory of me feeling guilty the moment that my mother explained the damages done to her body due to her last birthing process which was myself, and as I write this a pulse in the heart comes through as a sense of anxiety that implies I took it personal and believed that: I was the cause of her body being so disrupted throughout my birthing process.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from that moment on take things personal and believing that anything that would go ‘wrong’ was my fault, just because of this image and imprint I have of my mother pointing her finger at me when explaining to someone how much her skin and body was fucked ever since she had me, which made feel like the scum of the Earth that had come to ruin her life.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts of me not having been a ‘desired baby’ and that I had been a ‘mistake’ just because of all the jokes they would always tell about me being adopted from a bunch of sinful nuns – lol – this is no joke!

Okay lol, I give some context. I was born in a catholic/ nun type of hospital and my parents and sisters would joke with me how I wasn’t really their daughter/ sister, but that I had been given in adoption by a ‘sinful nun’ at the hospital, which would explain ‘why’ I was such an alien in the family, according to them. ‘Funny thing’ is that from joke to joke I came to believe that I was actually ‘not from the family’ and believed myself to really not having been desired – which brings up another point

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever take it personal for having been a ‘baby girl’ instead of the boy that both my parents were expecting me to be. And within this, having lived a life of believing that I wasn’t Fully accepted or desired in the family, which fed my pattern of dissociating from it and eventually becoming the direct opposite of ‘who they are’ in order to establish myself as that which I thought they had seen me as throughout my entire life: an alien, a last moment addition or a mistake.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to keep thoughts within me of not having been desired in my family, which lead me to this ‘low self esteem’ and rather self-belittling type of judgment that I embodied as a personality that would decisively imply: I am in this family but not of/ from this family.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to harbor thoughts that me having an umbilical cord around my neck made me create an ultimate hell within my very first experience within my mother’s womb, which lead me to spite her for having left me more time in there even if I was ready to get out and was almost a bit ‘too late’ to come out

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to harbor this ‘irrational’ irritation if not hatred toward my progenitors for having brought me into this world that I many times claimed to not wanting to be here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think that I was a last-minute nuisance to my family and within this, feed my own beliefs of ‘not being wanted’ and essentially victimizing myself, which would come as irrational thoughts because I was never actually told that ‘I was not desired/ wanted’ – I formulated this all in my head – and I realize that even if such words were uttered from my family members, I would still not have to take it personal as each person is speaking from their own self-experience, which is at the moment for everyone in this world not aligned within a principle of what’s best for all, which is how and why Self Forgiveness is the basic way to establish a point of understanding toward one another, because we have all aced in ways that were simply instigated by a survival system within our own minds, which entailed no consideration or common sense regard toward life itself.

 

I realize that I am simply the product of a basic union of two physical bodies and minds that generated who and what I currently am, which implies that I am equal to and one with everyone else that is also here and that has been exiting/ coming into this world within the same ways wherein: we are all responsible for never having questioned the most basic process of ‘giving birth’ and establishing common sense as to the realization of what is it in fact that we are bringing to Earth as ourselves, as our ‘mint copy’ that is certainly requiring proper and specific understanding of how we have created ourselves/ our world – and in that, taking our own lives by the hand, walking a process of self-forgiveness to release any form of usual retaliation and vengeful thoughts toward parents, or ‘the system’ or whoever else in separation of ourselves

 

I commit myself to walk this point in Self Honesty to get to a point where I no longer react in absolute horror, disgust, fear and even petrification when thinking, watching, seeing someone pregnant, seeing the birth of a human being in this world – walking in absolute breath to not react emotionally toward it and instead dedicate myself to first remove the conditions that I have accepted as a relationship of cultural brainwashing toward seeing pregnancy as something ‘beautiful’ in pictures and words – yet revolting in disgust and horror when seeing the real deal of what it entails to give birth and take care of a child.

 

I commit myself to stop any reaction toward parents that are bringing kids into this world, as I realize that as long as I hold this inherent hatred toward ‘them’ for ‘bringing more children into this world’ I am only spiting myself as life as well. So, this is a point that is not yet walked and that I can only at the moment,commit myself to continue educating myself in the Heaven’s Journey to Life blog which is the perfect educational platform that is walked as self-forgiveness to actually learn what really goes on within a birthing process from the moment of conception and inception in this world, wherein I am exorcizing all the experiences that I had not been able to give a name to for myself.

 

I commit myself to breathe every time that I see myself having either emotions and feelings when looking at pregnant women or women with small children – as well as both parents with their children, which is stopping the cultural programming of seeing a family nucleus as something ‘beautiful,’ without really being aware of what this is actually entailing in a holistic manner from all relationship perspectives that I am most likely not aware of through and by only looking at a picture.

 

I commit myself to stop the spitefulness that I tend to secretly project onto any pregnant woman that I see on the streets, for having projected this spitefulness toward my sisters and my mother in a way and in that, make sure I walk my own process of removing fear and love and hate and disgust toward pregnancy/ parenting itself as the physical act of brining another child into this world.

“I commit myself to, take responsibility for me as the Mind Consciousness System relationship to and as my Physical-Body, to be/become a living example for generations to come, in standing and living the solution to the current internal and external consequence the Mind is manifesting to the Physical-Body and the World-System of Money is manifesting to the Physical-Existence, within and as the current accepted and allowed relationship of ‘give and take’ as the ‘act of love’ as sacrifice, to show that – this ‘Love’ is not the ‘Love’ that unconditionally Gift/Give Life, but in fact manifest the relationship of ‘death and life’ as sacrifice, where one parts gives/dies for the other to take/live that’s manifested as the relationship between physicality and energy. And thus, within this: that Energy/Mind is not Life, as there is no real Life existent within this process as the ‘death’ of the physical and the finite ‘life’ of and as the Mind/Energy through the physical sacrificing itself, and so – what we’re in fact existing as within this existence is Death-itself for and as Survival, as we’re always in a constant/continuous process of ‘physically dying’ – internally and externally as the physical-body and this physical-existence for the Mind to finitely exist/survive and for the World-System of Money to survive. That – if survival exist, through the ‘death and life’ process of the physical and the Mind/World-System: Life/Living cannot exist.” Sunette Spies [*]

This is a life commitment to educate myself and other beings that are willing to be parents, to ensure no more consequence is being born , but instead LIFE is born from the physical.  This will most definitely continue as we have ever rarely asked ourselves about that moment of coming into this world and our experiences stemming from that relationship that is talked out later on with our own mother/ father and ‘who we are’ within ‘their world,’ and who they are within ‘our world,’ which is the primary relationship that I see and realize is important to walk in order to remove all the basic system-conditioning that we are all subject to by virtue of coming into this world.

 

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Desteni I Process – The basic course to first establish the most important relationship you’ll have: yourself in equality.

 

 

Blogs to learn about WHO YOU REALLY ARE as Life

 

Self-Supportive Interviews:

Life Review – Losing Sight of Life is an interview that ‘moved’ me in the sense of pondering what am I actually doing with my life and how this point of ‘having kids’ and being a parent within this world is often side viewed when only pursuing a ‘career’ – suggested to anyone facing that midlife crisis in life.

 

Life Review – A Mother’s Love of Guilt basic for all mothers and soon to be mothers to make sure one does not project one’s own process to the child.


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