Category Archives: procrastination

428. How to Stop the Despair about the World?

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There are times when what one is doing toward any form of change doesn’t seem to be enough at all, in fact it can even be perceived as counterproductive or judged by others as useless or harmful. I’ve faced patterns of general ‘alienation’ in relation to seeing a genuine way in which one can create an effect for others as well, but I guess that the point missed is that in focusing too much on ‘doing it out there’ the ‘in here’ is left out of the picture, and what I mean by ‘in here’ is seeing where I am not supporting myself to the point of being the normal stable support for myself and so for others.

What happens is that I started focusing too much ‘out there’ only and being taken aback by the reality of many that are genuinely suffering. We know this world is in dire straits, it is our creation and consequence therefore, we cannot really ‘do much’ about it alone – we have to stand together in a similar stance and perspective to get to fine tune the solutions for the reality we have all co-created. Sometimes witnessing all the suffering in various bits and places and through news, documentaries, personal stories etc. make you want to simply drop everything and just cry like a baby for hours end. I experienced this recently as I had done before, and seeing others going through the same only reminds me that we can never really bring any ‘change’ with more sadness, suffering or emotional outbursts: that certainly does nothing. If anything these experiences are not meant to be judged either, but rather using them as a time to introspect what kind of situations one has allowed to be ‘piled up’ and accumulated to the point where one simply explodes when something apparently ‘bigger’ triggers it all. I’ve noticed I’ve been sighing a lot, as if there was some extra effort in doing things as well, even though I keep at everything, sometimes there’s a perceived ‘loss of meaning to doing things.’

Why would I lose a ‘meaning’ on it? Well because the focus was too ‘outwardly’ shifted instead of first ensuring I can be supporting myself, having clarity on who I am, what I stand for and as such with such inner-stability be able to direct myself in such clarity in my usual doings. The thing is that, when one allows oneself to be affected too much by what’s going on outside, one then becomes part of the drama that takes you down misery lane and it’s kind of hard to get out of it as one keeps repeating the images, the information that created the experience of hopelessness, powerlessness in the first place. First point is to not become a victim of information only and creating an experience about it, but rather understand that we become part of the pile of junk if we keep ourselves in the same gloomy self experience Guiño

 

I know this is a common point for many, specifically those that can conceive themselves as being ‘over sensitive’ about things, which doesn’t mean ‘you care more’ but simply one actually allows oneself to take what’s on the outside and ‘process it’ or ‘digest it’ as something that becomes an internal emotional experience. The world doesn’t need more sufferers, more depressed people or people that have no hope even in their own lives: world needs individuals that can see, understand the problem, that can recognize the responsibility we hold to it and from there seek to join forces with others on the same track so as to create an actual network of solutions and support, THAT is what the world needs. “God hates a coward” is the title of a song, lol,  I’d say Life hates a coward and if one is not truly willing to Stand up for Life and do all that it takes, then one becomes part of the problem, part of the ‘giving up’ ones of which the death realm is filled with, I bet.

 

 

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Times like these are also cool to see where am I giving into other pleasures or plain laziness, where do I refuse to keep expanding myself, where have I become stagnant in my own self support and development? Am I doing enough for myself or do I then make of the world the reason for my own confusion, alienation and general ‘loss of meaning’ in everything which is another way to sugar coat a plain lack of insight and seeing direct as to what it is that I need to put my motivation back on.

 

I’ve been there many times before and it is also true that these hardly engrained patterns that I cultivated for many years won’t be wiped out overnight, it is a continuous process over years until they are no more at all, and more so to learn how to stand up from them every time, to keep doing what one has to do and keep going even if it ‘feels’ like feeding a dead horse… it’s about diligence and consistency and also as Nick Cave says: keep on pushing the sky away, to not wish to be dead and so ‘out of the mess of this world’ and going into extreme anger or apathy or general despair because all of these are only experiences, they too shall pass = they can be worked on an overcome them as we created them.

I would mostly suggest to flag point for myself whenever these experiences come up and instead of going down the memory lane of suffering and why the world is miserable, see directly: what am I resisting to do? Where am I procrastinating my change of ‘experience’ toward something in particular? If I am fed up with the state of the world, then I don’t have to make it my own ‘fedupness’ toward my own life and anything that I do in it. Again, takes some courage to see directly, and the faster the better otherwise one single ‘fall’ if not looked at for some time, can make one feel like one is dragging one’s dead body around, even while trying to act/be normal: we always know when there’s something ‘going on’ within us, and if it’s not health-related then we must know that there is something ‘up there’ that I still want to hold on to and justify one’s experience with.

In past week I came to the conclusion that there can be no real happiness in this world unless we eradicate all fear, all suffering, all hatred, all anger, all abuse in this world – no matter if you have the ‘perfect life’ with the necessary money and giving yourself some treats here and there, it is meaningless, it is shallow, it is pointless because as long as I know there is people that haven’t been ‘fortunate’ enough to have what I have, my ‘happiness’ is a self-interested experience. So, realizing this doesn’t make your life more cheerful or gleeful either, but it grounds you to see what one is focusing on/paying attention to and what one plans to do with one’s life altogether.

From my perspective, as I’ve said it many times, I will do and be with that which is the most supportive for life on Earth, no matter how ‘futile’ it might seem, how questionable sharing something in the vast sea of the internet and endless roads of information can be: I choose to contribute to the growth and support of everyone else that is willing to do the same for themselves than being part of the endless queues that want to desert out of life, which they too would have to be understood as a consequential outflow of all of us not having done enough to give everyone a decent reason to live. I decide to do this for myself and so for any other person that can benefit from it.

 

So, a clear decision is always a lifetime decision – there can be fogs at times and that is ok, it is a momentary reassessment that can take a few days, but eventually it is really so that No One can ‘pull you out of it’ unless You Decide to Walk Out of it Yourself. It is a Doing, not a Thinking.

Let’s keep walking.

 

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393. To Live Courage in the At-Most-Fear

 

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If there’s one thing required to walk this process of self-honesty is courage, is having the guts to be able to live a different starting point that we have been taught-into throughout our entire existence, which is  to live in fear, to not take risks, to ‘play safe’ in the game, to follow the rules, to avoid any form of punishment and as such never really challenge the status quo.

I remember that I would have to ‘pull up my socks’ so to speak when it came to being able to be frank and direct to see my own hidden agendas, the reasons why I chose to be and become a particular personality, why I would like and dislike things, why I would dress in a particular way, why I would stash so much knowledge on certain fields and not others, how I wanted to be seen and validated by others according to the great lie I could construct and build up as part of a general process that we even encourage in our society, which is that of ego-creation/personalities in order to satisfy an idea of oneself being valuable in the world-market where everything we do and say can be sold and bought as part of the merchandise that we produce every single day in a world, where life is not really lived, but bought and sold too.

So the moment that one starts challenging the whole starting point of ‘who I am’ from the achievement of personal glory and fame or ultimate recognition by ‘others’ and so be apparently ‘powerful’ in society, one is faced with the challenge of having to actually do things for the sake of oneself – not for another, not for gaining a prize or a ‘good mark’, or a ‘good position’ for the sake of being above others – but because one actually decides to stop existing in such superior/inferior survival mode of fighting against each other and instead, one realize that one can in fact stop living in the constant competition and struggle to ‘get to the top’ by fearing not ‘getting to the top’ and so realize that these hierarchical structures have only been ideas, constructs in our minds that we’ve imprinted within us from the very first moments we begin comparing ourselves to others and begin quantifying and valuing things and people as more-than or less than ourselves.

It’s interesting that I hadn’t looked at the ability to stop living in such more-than/less-than mentality of survival and fear as something that requires courage, because it actually implies no longer being motivated by fear of having/not having or being more-than/ less-than something or someone while fueling the desire to be more than, which are general constructs that we usually keep our entire societies running with. In my case I saw the common sense of stopping that constant requirement to be ‘validated by others’ and/or expecting recognition, which actually implies having the courage to do things for myself in a world where we’re taught that we always have to focus on doing it for the sake of something and someone else only, to get a certain job/position in the system, to get more fame and recognition, to obtain a relationship, to be granted some form of tribute, to appear as ‘more than’ at all times, which in turn  we create the nature of the system where this constant ‘struggle’ is seen as “success” because we have never actually valued who we really are for what we are already, for what we are able to live and conduct as a matter of self-direction instead of having to ‘fit it’ into schemes of validation that don’t support life. We don’t value self-honesty yet as a principle to focus on developing as our new human nature, but instead we value the ability to cheat, deceive and ‘get ahead of others’ as intelligence or cunningness, which is entirely twisted and non-supportive as we can see. We have always measured everything against a flawed system of values that in no way correspond to promoting doing meaningful things to precisely change the status quo of fear and complacency that we have remained as throughout our human history.

By simply making the decision to challenge and slowly but surely change everything that we have ever thought ourselves to be, one requires a massive amount of courage because we’re essentially recognizing that we will go nowhere if we remain in our comfort-zone, in our ‘known ways’ that have perpetuated this culture of fear, apathy, complacency and an upside-down set of values that in no way support the discovery and living realization of who we really are as the potential of life. All we’ve ever done is fear, survive and ‘get through the days’ with the most we can – is that living? No, and certainly challenging this doesn’t mean ‘drop-out of the system’ or ‘fight against the powers that shouldn’t be’ but it is in fact to begin identifying How have I become my own limitation, how have I continued to ‘play the game’ that I know is not supportive for myself and others in this world, where we are able to participate and through our living-behavior become the practical example of living principles that are best for all. To stop fear, to stop fearing taking risk means to be able to step outside of the ‘known zone’ and be able to make a stand to no longer ‘follow’ but rather take the wheel and plan our lives  in a different way, so that while we are still living in an unpredictable situation when it comes to money, our own ability to remain alive the next day, we can be fully responsible and directive when it comes to establishing solutions day by day. And solutions cannot be created when we hold on to the fear of ‘who I would be’ or ‘what I would create’ as a future projection, but instead simply live it, test it out, try it out, taking the risks because we fear making decisions to change the aspects that we already know are detrimental to our lives and in that, we already abdicate our power to change things, without even trying first.

So this is to also remind myself that the moment that I hold myself back is actually a point of fear that I have to investigate, a point where I am still driving myself through the imprinted and memorized survival mode, the status quo, the ‘chains of the past’ that I have to open up and find out where it is that I am still attached to what I often complain as ‘the obstacle’ to move or do something, what am I holding onto, or what do I fear losing by doing it and in this realizing that I am the only one that can be such obstacle through ideas, beliefs and perceptions of what is holding me back, what isn’t allowing me to ‘do’ or ‘be’ something, wherein I have used something/someone as an excuse to limit my direction, my change, to develop myself to my utmost potential.

Here it is thus to utilize that little ‘spark’ of life that I have and to not allow myself to ‘overpower’ it with the ball and chain that I’ve created as things, people, institutions, systems that I’ve seen as ‘the problem’ and realize that no one is actually responsible for my limitation but myself, my own fear and that nothing can in fact limit me as long as I am capable of doing, learning, communicating, moving myself beyond my perceived boundaries and so realize that instead of perpetuating the limitation of what I perceive ‘society’ or ‘the system’ to be, I take the stand to realize it’s always been me, myself and so no more accept and allow myself to live As the limitation, as the limited aspect of myself, as the complacency and apathetic piece of mind that I’ve lived as, because I realize that if I allow myself to hinder my expression based on an idea, belief or perception I have of something or someone and how ‘it affects me’ I am not taking responsibility for what I realize I have to do which is to move, to take a stand, to live the courage to ‘swim against the current’ which doesn’t mean ‘fighting’, but certainly a self-motivated decision to walk through the sea of limitations I’ve built around a point I’ve defined as ‘difficult’ or ‘challenging’ to me –  I realize this will be the only way to actually step out of fears and discover the potential that I have buried with my self-limitations of who/what I believe I should be to perpetuate the ‘idea of myself’ in relation to others.

This is about myself, what I decide to live, to motivate me to do things for myself, to not do something to be valued or validated within the system, but to do it as part of me walking a point into completion and this is not limited to ‘tasks,’ but to everything that I decide to live and become, to live As the determination to get something done, to become the solution that I so many times have complained is so necessary in this world.

So, here’s to the commitment to live courage in the Earth’s At-Most-Fear and so transform my apathy and lack of perseverance into a self-determination, focus and consistency to do it for my self, to challenge myself, to not allow my preprogrammed-limitations to still define ‘who I am’ as I see that’s the biggest problem we face in the world right now: not wanting to challenge ourselves and our starting point of living.

And so, I commit myself to do that which I have defined as ‘limiting’ because in limiting myself form doing ‘such limitation’ I am fin act only perpetuating the limitation in itself based on fear of not fitting into those limitations – lol.

So this is the real revolution, the change we can implement and follow-through within ourselves – there’s no ‘government’ outside of ourselves but only the one we can implement as self-direction in what we think and do in consideration of what is best for myself and all equally.

 

I got a new pen - 2014

 

Suggested Interview:

Accessing your Full Potential (Part 2) – Reptilian Series – 178

 

Suggested Article:

Jack – The Courage to live Self-Honestly

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193. Self Motivation – Self Movement

To read the entire Procrastination character walked thus far, visit

162. Either Do it or DIE « MarlenLife’s Blog

I’ll be writing self forgiveness on the specific points that lead to procrastination which have to do with the motivation aspects to ‘move’ and ‘do things’ in our reality, wherein if it’s not based on earning a reward/ there being something for us as a ‘positive experience,’ we simply don’t direct ourselves / don’t do what is required to be done.

And this is how it all started:

I had a dream wherein I had applied for a job at a record store, and I was given a certain schedule that I of course had to cover. However I was rather entertained in my reality with something else, I remember I was interacting or moving around with people and as such when the time came for me to go cover my job schedule, I simply decided not to go and the reason in this case was because ‘I didn’t require the money,’ thus I experienced this absolute laxity toward the point of responsibility simply because I was not being guided by survival to do it, which is something that I can see is related to the motivation/ motive-factor as that energetic point that acts like a crutch for me to move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having procrastinated things because there is no positive reward/ money in it as a point of incentive that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn is the only reason why I should ‘move’ and do things within my reality – furthermore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this very same thinking pattern, believe that because I won’t be making money out of my career, then ‘what is the point of being a ‘licensed pro’ at it?’ without realizing that in both cases, my procrastination and deliberate neglect toward this final examination point is showing how I have been used to only moving myself if there is some positive reward/ money and/or future benefit from it, without realizing that this is actually a system requirement and as such it is part of finishing what I begun and getting the actual paper that will certify all the years that I did spend in school, which is a point within the system that is definitely required to be walked and to obtain.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I require some positive incentive in order to commit myself to my tasks, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to move and direct myself within the consideration of such task/ activity being in the best interest of all, which includes that which I believe would only ‘benefit me’ such as a career, without realizing that this is a point required by the system in order to validate the years spent in school – thus it is not a matter of preference, but a requisite in order to validate myself within the system.

 

I commit myself to be my own motivation regarding all points that I decide to participate in as an opportunity for me to expand myself in my world and reality and within this, also walking any resistance toward anything bureaucratic in nature, such as final papers/ examinations and protocols at an academic level, which is how I commit myself to simply breathe through it, get to do the necessary contacts and arrangements and get it done.

 

The stagnation and deliberate shoving away of responsibilities is part of this point. I’ve lost the ‘fear’ to not do things and within this, I have self sabotaged myself extensively, simply because all the ‘discipline’ that I had lived was in fact only based on fear and keeping up a reputation that in my mind, I could not ‘afford’ to spoil for one second.

When the characters were identified, in my mind I created this point of laxity toward responsibilities, like literally only doing it at the last moment and essentially justifying it – foolishly enough – with me no longer acting out of fear to get things done, but ‘testing my waters’ in relation to my own ‘self-movement’ once that such fear is apparently non existent. And I say ‘apparently’ because it is quite obvious how I actually only turned the tables and went to the opposite of being the ‘on time responsible one’ to be a deliberate procrastinator one. This was all done consciously/ me being aware of it, and the only point that I can see has factored into it is this ‘force’ wherein I have opted to simply give myself away to it and continue placing things aside, postponing it all simply because I don’t perceive such points getting done within a matter of life or death. This reveals to what extent we have only moved when there is either a positive or negative reward and in my case, in the dream, the ‘record store job’ I had always kept in the past as this ‘dream like job’ – even if I am now aware it is not ‘dream-like’ at all – as something that I would do out of pleasure and that was going to apparently only be like an extended hobby. So, in the dream when it came to actually cover my hours, I decided to simply not go and take it as lightly as possible, simply because there was no point ‘behind’ it that was pushing me to do it, to move.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see money/ fame/ good life as a motivation to move in my reality and the moment that such motivation is no longer ‘here,’ I stopped caring about my career and getting to the last tip of it even knowing that I had to do it anyways – thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only move when and as there is money involved in what I commit myself to do/ act and direct in terms of responsibilities/ studies within the system.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a prey of my own dishonest starting point for studying a career as within the impetus of going for it for a personal benefit, once that personal benefit is no longer a point sought within me within this career, I stopped caring about it all and in this, going into a cycle of just walking through it without any actual direction to use the point and opportunity to expand myself in my world, as after all, it was my decision made at all times to study what I studied – thus, I take responsibility for my words, my decisions, my life and stopped believing that ‘I must do this for the system’ but do it for myself, as the starting point of all that I do.

 

When and as I see myself requiring a reason outside of myself to do things, I stop and I breathe –  I realize that this has been a point of self-sabotage most of the times as within having a reason to do things outside of myself implies that I am not being the directive principle of the task, but doing it ‘for something/ for someone.’ Thus

 

I commit myself to be the starting point of everything that I do in the consideration of the requirements that I have to participate in/ complete as part of this world system, as well as the consideration of me doing this as a practical action and direction to see how it is possible to direct oneself without being motivated by external factors of either a positive  (money/ recognition) charge or negative charge (fear of not having a license in the system/ fear of wasting my studies) as I see and realize that at all times, all tasks to be done imply a point of self-movement: what is best for all as best for myself within the consideration of my own commitment to do and participate in that which I have agreed to work and participate in as part of my responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use reasoning as excuses and justifications which is knowledge and information in order to not do things based on my ‘wants/ needs/ desires’ wherein the moment there is no ‘positive incentive’ to move, I simply don’t move and relegate the point aside as if it was actually not important to work with, not realizing that it is not about what I can ‘get’ from it as an experience, but simply realizing: what Must Be Done no matter what – and in this, I stop seeking for a ‘reason’ to do it, and instead become my own self-willed direction to do it, without having anyone or anything in the background of my head as a reason to ‘push through’ as this would be separation and only lead to further cycles of ‘reasoning’ why I would rather just continue Not doing it and leave he point without any direction.

 

When and as I see myself reasoning why I should not do a task – I stop and I breathe – I bring the point here as what it physically entails, the consequences that doing it and not doing it in reality are and stick to this practical outflow of my decisions, instead of weighing my decisions based on the values that I’ve given to such task as a point of preference and the level of ‘uselessness’ that I’ve guarded toward acquiring a professional title within being an artist.

 

I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself based on knowledge and information toward the tasks to be done, and I actually realize that it is only a moment of standing up and taking responsibility for what I had agreed upon studying and finishing it till it is done. Those were my words when I begun, and those are the actions I have to live.

I realize that the most prominent point within this procrastination point was also the extensive judgment toward my own choices for a career and within this, seeing such final title/ paper/ license as equally useless, which then became this whole ‘uselessness’ experience toward it, wherein I deliberately placed it aside, just the same way that in the dream I thought of the job as ‘not necessary’ and simply deciding to ‘not go to my job and remain with what I have.’

 

I commit myself to to stop assessing what I do based on the ‘investment value’ that I have given to all things in my life, wherein even if it is a point of responsibility if I am not considering it at face value/ according to my personal interests as something ‘important’ then I simply not do it, without realizing that If I applied the same reasoning to all things in my reality, and all beings acted the same way, it would only create a replica of the world we have today, wherein each one is only seeking after our personal interests while neglecting everything else as ‘non of my business/ not my ‘responsibility’’  – within this

 

I commit myself to understand that Self Responsibility is Not selective and that I cannot ‘choose’ what I apply myself with and what not – it is about a principle of committing myself to certain responsibilities and walking through them till it is done.

 

So, the key words here are Self Movement and Self Will – again, which have become the pillars of the realizations in the past wherein I would get ‘stuck’ within something even within writing and not writing everyday in the past, and how I had to deliberately get myself out of the loop not by an external motivation but, as a realization that I had to continue writing as a proof to myself that nothing and no one can motivate me to support myself, but myself and that way I can stand as my own authority.

 

I realize that in the Equal Money System, we won’t require to go through points like getting ‘credentials’ for money either or survival – thus this is a point to train myself to move without an incentive and realizing this point as part of the responsibilities acquired within the ability to have a career/ having studied.

 

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192. The Reasoning behind Procrastination

The end of the character – the beginning of new points.

Conclusions and new beginnings within the Procrastination Character

 

So, here is a consideration. Procrastination and various realizations were walked while working on this series of blogs – however I realize that it is useless unless I walk it, and that’s a general consideration with all of our writings within Self Forgiveness, that it is not a magic wand, it is actually getting to know the pattern in such detail that we can only continue fooling ourselves to Not live out the corrections we’ve specified here.

Another aspect I can see is how Self Forgiveness is not about now pumping our ‘spirits’ and creating a willingness to do so based on energy as a positive-attitude toward it, as that can eventually down-grade to the downhill experience toward it – thus I realize that every point of correction that I walk must be an actual integration of the correction as a habit, as a pattern that I can stand as without any ‘effort’ or ‘impetus’ stemming with an energetic surge to ‘do it’ which can downfall in the ‘not wanting to do it’ and within that, we could only get back to our drawing board to see, okay, what have I missed?

In my case, I’ve realized that there are Many points that opened up with this character, since it’s been virtually a progressive point that I left behind/ delbierately postponed in looking at the ‘postponement character’ as I’ve explained which entails that there is an aspect that I was Not willing to face within myself. And this is where I lead myself to, the character extraction of postponement/procrastination inevitably leads me to see what is it in fact that I am resisting to look at, what am I exactly doing to myself, why am I doing this even if I KNOW/ knew all the way that it is not what I had planned/ meant to do.

Now, looking into these aspects that I was not willing to open up is not a ‘piece of cake’ because

1. I was only thinking too much about it but not looking into myself and writing about it, applying self forgiveness and self corrective application to make sense of myself, which is the point that cannot be side-viewed when we see ourselves stepping into this wobbly ground wherein we Believe that we are ‘superior to our mind’ and we can just figure it out/ sort out the point in our minds without actually walking it/ writing it/ applying the corrections.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think too much about what I had to do without actually assisting and supporting me to write the point out and follow through it within a practical application of self-forgiveness, because I wanted to ‘sort it out’ myself within the belief that I could just ‘stop it’ in one moment and be through it without any further hesitation, which is an indication of ego trying to ‘sort it out in one go’ without realizing that the moment that a point has not been directed in a long time and it is still ‘here’ as a point that has not been moved, it requires immediate attention and direction in order to support myself, as I see and realize that trying to ‘make up my mind’ about it is really covering up/ disguising/ make-up excuses and justifications for not doing something and further procrastinating it. Thus

 

When and as I see myself thinking that I can easily ‘sort out’ a point within my mind, which has been going on for an extended period of time – I stop and I breathe – I flag point immediately this ‘brushing off’ attitude wherein I realize that I must take the point ‘by the horns’ so to speak, in order to not further grow the ‘calamity’ and as such, take he responsibility of my own inactions/ actions to investigate what is going on with me, why am I simply not directing myself effectively within one point in my reality, what are the thoughts, the experiences, the backchat behind it? As I see and realize that the more it s procrastinated the more it will be fueled by a negative experience toward it, eventually building it as a fortress that I will simply have to debunk/ deconstruct anyways as there is no-way I can escape from my responsibility, no matter what.

 

I commit myself to assist and support me to immediately look at a point that I’ve been deliberately ‘leaving around’ to no look at it/ not face the point, as I see and realize that this is just part of the resistances that I have to get to know how I created and why have I simply not looked into them, which is an indication of me having to look at myself and walk the necessary process of self correction without further procrastination.

 

2. I was trying to ‘make sense’ of my procrastination through a positive-perspective toward it, such as what I’ve explained within the previous points wherein I would place a positive-experience or deemed ‘positive task’ to do instead of doing this particular task/ project without comparing it to other tasks in my reality – within this,  not wanting to actually look at what was in fact the resistance to work on this document, what was it all about and how I could practically ‘do something about it’ which is obviously first: getting to know myself and the entire ‘case’ I made out of this project/ writing that I have to do and then actually walking the correction .

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and justify/ excuse and most importantly validate my procrastination based on having ‘other tasks to do’ that I have deemed as ‘more important’ and within this excuse, wanting to justify my deliberate neglect toward other tasks in my reality that I see and realize will ‘not go away’ and that I have to actually walk through them and direct myself to take responsibility for them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify a resistance experienced toward writing based on having ‘better things to do’ and within this always making it ‘alright’ in my mind to not get to the task at hand, which is the easy-positive thinking that I would indulge in to always remain with a ‘positive score’ within me, even if I knew that I was not properly giving direction and directing myself toward all things that I have to do/ work on in my reality.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to validate, excuse and justify a point of procrastination with ‘better things to do/ more valuable things/ more important things in my reality’  – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this value-schemes are part of my own creation in order to relegate the task that is part of my professional career to a ‘second point’ in my reality, without considering that it is a priority and it is in fact as important as any other task that I have committed myself to within the principle of assisting and supporting myself within this process in my reality and within the network of support that we represent and are.

 

I commit myself to give myself direction in an equal basis/ manner to all points in my reality and within this, stopping the value-scheme toward tasks wherein there are no ‘less important’ tasks or ‘more important’ tasks – but remain equal and consistent within my application in all aspects of my reality.

 

3. I wasn’t willing to recognize that what is “natural” to us is all aspects that lead us to self-sabotage and always create a point of conflict to not be able to function properly in our lives, and this is just because of who we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become based on  the mind and trying to remain within a ‘winning situation’ at all times while no action is being taken upon All aspects of who we are within our reality – among other various variables that are yet to be explored.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and make sense to why I was procrastinating with excuses and validations as previously mentioned, without actually investigating what is it that is actually leading me to self-sabotage, what is it that I am in fact not looking at/ identifying within me to give myself proper direction within this point.

 

When and as I see myself facing a ‘wall’ within looking at the reason/ processing behind an aspect of my reality that I am not able to ‘pinpoint’ as to why I am not moving within it – I stop and I breathe – I first of all ask myself: what am I preventing me to see within myself that is leading me to deliberately sabotage myself and my decisions? And if there is no clear answer, then I assist and support myself with asking questions to others that are also walking this process as us Destonians are able to always give ourselves a perspective that we would have most likely not considered/ not being willing to look at, which is how within the dimension of self-support must at all times be considered in order to not just try and ‘figure it all out’ ourselves – as outlined in point number 1 – and instead, accept and allow the support that is available in gratefulness.

 

I commit myself to ask for support and assistance and allow myself to get further perspectives when facing a point that I cannot simply ‘make sense of’ by only writing about it and not really understanding ‘why’ we are doing things to ourselves, as we can be missing out an important aspect that we might not be looking at because of and due to the extent we have become the pattern in itself, which is how and why buddying/ assistance and support at Desteni is all about: allowing ourselves to be supported by others within the principle of us being living the point of supporting ourselves unconditionally as well.

 

4. Another point I realized is how one underlying aspect of this all is wanting to ‘serve others/ be there as support for others’ and missing out this basic point of self support for Myself. This is what I will begin with on the following posts to come, to see where this personality of the helper/ good person/ supportive person has lead me to self compromise when not walking in an equilibrium between my ‘supportive role’ and my own personal-support as in walking the responsibilities that I have within my world that are not linked toward my own process however are absolutely Part of Process as it is part of my reality and the points that I am walking within my life in this world.

And here’s where that Jesuit school motto comes to mind ‘Ser para los demás’ = ‘To be/ Being For Others’ – which is  essentially missing out oneself and then yes, it’s like ‘awesome, you are of ‘great support’ for others but, where’s your own self-support and self responsibility within your world?’ Self’s application must be Equal in all ways and I cannot give more to be something for ‘others’ but rather stand as an example of being the support I want for myself and that I can give to others and as such, give it back to myself. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate my own responsibilities based on wanting to rather ‘support others/ be there for others’ and within this, missing out my own priorities and responsibilities which I see and realize that it is actually stemming from wanting to ‘do good to others’ while creating an actual physical space-time consequences due to me using the point of supporting others as an excuse to not get to my own responsibilities in my reality. Thus

 

When and as I see myself making the decision to rather do this/that which is based on supporting others/ being ‘there for others’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that as long as this support of ‘being there for others’ stems from a point of wanting to help/ support to be a ‘good person’ and use this as an excuse to not get to my responsibilities, it is actually an unacceptable way of supporting as I am missing out myself and furthermore creating further excuses as how it is ‘better’ to support others because it makes me feel ‘better’ than just doing a task for an institution, wherein it is common sense that all aspects of my reality are equally important and equally priority within this process wherein everything that I commit myself to do will be based on self-responsibility in all aspects/ points in my reality.

I commit myself to equalize my application in all aspects of my reality wherein no point is less or more important as I realize that all commitments I make are equally important within my reality and my development as a person that is able to be self responsible in all aspects/ ways which is the decision one makes when standing up for life and the creation of an actual better world for ourselves.

 

So, the procrastination character has now morphed into looking at the ‘game played’ while procrastinating, and that’s the nitty-gritty aspects that I commit myself to open up in the following posts.

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190. Author of my Consequences

Procrastination: Consequences – Do not ask for something / be exigent about something that I have not lived and given to myself unconditionally.

I realize that I have been playing out this point in relation to procrastination and a general desire for things to be just ‘perfect’ and running smoothly all the time so that ‘I’ can feel good about it/ have no worries and generally best for all, which would be common sensical if I was in fact living that out absolutely as myself. The question is: am I? And in absolute Self Honesty I can say: nope.

 

Now, this reminds me of parents, how they want their kids to be this beautiful (hellish) creations, asking them and being exigent about things that they haven’t lived themselves/ they haven’t probably ever lived BUT want their children to play out to become like a trophy that they can feel proud of – but, have they been a living example of everything they’re asking to their children? No. And I see I am doing the same with others, asking them to essentially have everything done ‘as I see it must be done’ however, am I actually in fact able to stand as an absolute authority of myself in this moment – not completely, this single point of procrastination that I’ve walked – that I’ve accepted and allowed – has affected in my ability to stand absolute to my words, since one single point that is not in alignment to the totality of what I’m walking certainly creates ‘ripple effects’ on everything else – and this is part of the consequences, wherein I see and realize that one single point that I deliberately allow to grow and not direct creates this suppressed anxiety, hiding it with further points to ‘take care of’ within me, but not necessarily having directed me to take this point on, which is ludicrous since it is one of the basic aspects to walk in this process: work with what is occupying your mind in order to give it direction. And this, well it did occupy my mind but would immediately cover up and sugar coat with something else.

 

The reason for doing that is simple: my image/ reputation could not be obfuscated with me having to expose a major point of procrastination – however, was that actually in order to ‘save my ego’ and image/ reputation toward others or was it in the end just a very unnecessary timeloop that I –alone– would have to face eventually and give it direction? Well, the second point is what really IS in fact and how every time that we place ‘others’ or the ‘who we are’ at the eyes of others in front of our application is dishonest, and that walking this process such dishonesties must get to the surface to face them for what they are, get some oxygen in order to ventilate it – lol – and then see that all the accumulated energy that created the patterns of suppressed anxiety and guilt and remorse are simply further add-ons to the procrastination character that become like this consuming monster that we feed everyday that we only Think about things we have to do but don’t do them.

 

A physical consequence is yes, pain in the back as a burden as well as having to deal with physical real-time events wherein I have to now arrange my schedule to get to all points necessary.

 

In the end I can only take my own words and say it to myself: In the end, you do it to yourself – and within this it is to see that the law of stupidity/ stupidity loops can only be stopped by me practically stopping them, correcting the pattern and that’s it.

 

So, here I walk the Self Forgiveness on Abdicating my Authority the moment I participate in the Procrastination Character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility that I have toward myself, my words and deeds as the congruency that I have intended to live and that I accepted and allowed to be half-assed/ done in a middle term because of my desire to only do that which I prefer doing/ that which I have valued as ‘more important in my life,’ without realizing that in this I am placing a value-system to the points I have committed myself to do and apply, which is not acceptable since I see that this is not a matter of preference or what is ‘more important’ to do when comparing one task to another – it is simply realizing what must be done and within that, give myself the necessary authority to say no to following my desire to only do that which I like and instead, assist and support me to develop a physical habit of doing things without an energetic input to them.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to exert authority over others without realizing that it is as such an abusive point when I am doing it from the vantage point of not having lived authority as myself fully and completely – within this it is to realize that I can only be an authority as self when all that I do, think and act upon is standing 100% aligned to that which is best for all, wherein I understand that the moment there is self-interest in the way, we can realize there is an aspect that is not in consonance with an equality-living statement where self-responsible and self-directive individuals work together to establish a world that functions upon principles and not rewards or experiences as the negative or positive upon what is required to be done.

I realize that the point of responsibility extends not only toward myself, but to myself as this entire reality that I am an equal part of, wherein the moment I accept and allow myself to not be my own authority but allow myself to be deviated through the mind’s ‘authority’ I become that ‘plus point’ that continues accepting, allowing and living out the same mistakes of the past, which includes procrastination and apathy toward ourselves and this world as a whole.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own lack of authority toward others and within this, become exigent toward others about something that I have not lived myself fully and completely.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my own ability to be directive at all times due to allowing this procrastination point to diminish everything to a doubtful self-experience, wherein while not being a full-self responsible author of ourselves in our reality, we become ‘less than’ our minds due to having followed our thoughts instead of living self-direction and within this even exacerbate it through time until it gets to a  point where it is no longer sustainable – yet the consequences as time lost/ time spent without giving direction to something is real and here to be faced as a reminder of what are the practical consequences of us abdicating our physical living authority over the mind’s desires, wants and needs that lead me nowhere, but further procrastination.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of self doubt – not trusting myself fully – do to losing my own authority over one single aspect that I made it ‘more’ than what it is, consuming me to the point of seeing it as very difficult to walk through, without realizing that in all of this process I only imagined/ thought/ assumed without actually working on it, which reveals to what extent we become a character and utilize actual physical energy and time in order to perpetuate a single limitation in our minds, which reveals to what extent we have become so used to self-abuse.

 

When and as I see myself missing out on my point of authority as who I am in every moment of breath that I am here and directing myself to do what is required to be done, I stop and I breathe – I realize that self trust and my ability to stand in my two feet immovable, resides within the ability to re-gain this self-directive principle within myself, to no longer accept and allow any form of mind manipulation for me to not give direction to something that is Here to be directed.

 

I commit myself to re-establish my authority as an absolute standing of what I say I will do, regardless of any ‘label’ as preference imposed onto such task/ project/ activity, as I realize that I will only commit myself to that which is in the benefit of all, and in the benefit of me walking through the responsibilities I’ve acquired within the system.

 

I commit myself to re-establish my self-trust and self-will according to my ability to stand up from this, actually work on the points that I haven’t worked on and within that, become my own point of authority that stands as an example of what it is to live the words we commit ourselves to live, within the realization that if I don’t fully live this as myself, it is not only to my own detriment, but as an equal acceptance of what I am willing to perpetuate within this world, which is definitely Not procrastination and abdication of self responsibility any further.

Within this, I see and realize how the seemingly ‘personal’ things that we don’t take responsibility for, are in fact the building blocks of a flawed system as it is the consequence of our flawed participation in it, thus we have to become the example of what an equal-participation in all aspects actually entail. And this is a point to be walked here.

There are some more points to come in relation to self commitments and self corrective statements since I see that there are several points intertwined here – which I will walk in another character to be decided upon SOON – lol

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188.Con-Sequence

Consequences of ProcrastinationWriting 

The manifested consequence of our creation is what we learn to face within this process  – and one would common sensically consider that because of knowing/ being aware of the potential harm, disruption, loss of integrity when deliberately participating in any thought, word and deed that we ‘know’ is not what best for all, we simply would stop doing it and stop the harm and self-abuse. Well, who we are as the mind is anything but common sensical or ‘sane’ within the logical sense of what sanity should be as a state of equilibrium at an organic/body and mind level. We are anything but that. While reading one of Heaven’s Journey to Life blogs I remember leaving a comment how I was a bit shocked when realizing that we Know what we are doing to ourselves, such as consuming our very life substance in order to create energetic experiences – yet we continue, yet we keep doing it even though the explanation is here on a golden platter for us to stand up and change.

I saw within myself also how the points that I’ve been able to definitely quit and stop and support myself to face the ‘withdrawal’ of were aspects wherein I made a firm decision to change. The moment I do not make this definitive decision, I know beforehand that I will use an excuse to not-change and kind of sneak in the pattern that I am ‘trying to stop’ because in the ‘trying’ there is no definitive action taken to decisively stop something. How on Earth have we managed to fool ourselves? To actually be abusing our lives, our living opportunities of expansion and growth even within the current ‘constrains’ of the system we live in, and simply allow ourselves to be ruled by apathy, by uselessness, by the sheer decision to ‘do it later’ which implies already deciding to do something else that sounds better to me than actually pushing myself to expand my current accepted and allowed automated response to only ‘go for’ that which sounds nice, enticing, comfortable, cozy even within my mind.

 

Now, the consequences… this is the part we really don’t want to face because it is all obviously to our own detriment and within the character walked so far, I realize the piece of self-sabotage masterpiece this has been.  I have also realized that I cannot victimize myself, make excuses, try to explain why I didn’t do it in a way that would sound ‘good’ at the ears of others – nope, I can’t like and all I have been able to say is ‘I have no excuse for that’ and even that sounds like cynicism based on me obviously having judged people in the past that would ‘blatantly’ accept their mistakes and faults and have  ‘nothing else to say’ because apparently, an excuse or justification would ‘soothe the consequence’ in some way, which is always stemming from this inherent human-mind desire of keeping ourselves on the ‘positive score’ of the game, even if everything goes to hell today we rather say ‘oh, but, you know, we did our best, we did everything we could, there was no way to change this’ – and cross our arms and hope to die probably.

Well, that which I see could happen at a global scale in terms of the procrastination we are accepting and allowing to sort out this world, the same I can see in the seemingly ‘unimportant’ points that I have procrastinated, deliberately ignoring the consequences and effect that this single point that I accepted and allowed to leave behind created as an effect in my overall beingness wherein it is rather difficult to pretend that everything is fine when there’s this corpse you’re dragging behind you and stinking every day a little bit more every time.

The consequences are both at a physical reality level and within my own ‘stance’ as a living being, because as we’ve explained before: if the sun refused to shine and postpone it’s glow today, life on Earth would not be possible, if the oxygen decided to withdraw itself from the atmosphere, take some ‘time out’ and come back in a week or so after a run through the universe, would life still be possible? No – and these are all obvious hypothetical points because it is simply not common sense to even conceive that a physical constancy in our world would procrastinate its function – the same applies to our physical body.

 

So, I see, realize and understand that every single judgment I had toward anything else not being fully applied and determined to change within others, must be absolutely reverted for me to face my own deliberate procrastination even though realizing and knowing/ being aware of the consequences. In my mind, it doesn’t make sense obviously to do something that will not be producing energy for it to create an experience about the moments that I am working on something – and this is precisely the ‘withdrawal’ process I see I have to face here – it’s going ‘better’ in terms of being able to spot the moments, however unless a definitive decision is made to stop walking the middle path, nothing will absolutely change/ be corrected.

 

I see and realize that within giving up on a single point and trying to hide/ suppress the actual experience toward it, it simply compounds until it becomes a literal burden on your back – so, this has been cool in order to spot the anxiety in relation to this, which would be automatically coming up in the seemingly unnoticeable moments wherein I would have the least ‘reminder’ of this point that I have to do – however since I’ve been actually working on it, the ‘benefit’ of this is also re-establishing myself as my directive principle which is one of the other dimensions of consequences that emerge when procrastinating: we stop existing as that immovable force that is able to ‘walk through it all’ simply because of allowing ourselves to be diminished and create an entire detrimental experience within one single point that we Know we are not ‘sorting out’ in our reality.

We cannot blame either, that’s just a be-lame act in order to not take responsibility for our actions, and I have walked that as well as it came through while walking all the other dimensions to this procrastination character that you can read from the first day here:
162. Either Do it or DIE

So, my suggestion within this is to give ourselves the necessary direction to commit ourselves to do and act and give direction to that which we have committed ourselves to be and do, to stop generating unnecessary consequences as I see and realize that it is Not required for us to go through hell and back to learn a lesson, that’s just white-light-dovey crap like the ‘paths of the soul’ for us to accept our own self-abuse as a ‘living lesson’ – No fucking way.

Within stopping the first moment wherein we see ourselves wanting to procrastinate, we are able to stop the entire sequence of events generated as a result of our own con wherein we opt for the ‘feel good’ experience instead of doing and working on that which we are aware must be directed and done.

 

Till Here No Further

Feelings and Procrastination

 

”More perspective on the points of feelings is that one tend to procrastinate because you feel good. But interestingly enough you have created those feel good feelings through your resonances through time so that you can trap yourselves so you never have to do anything. Because in-fact you are in constant fear and the only way that you don’t have to face your fear – which is everybody else in this world and the world system – is to create a feel good situation where you can justify why you are powerless and helpless to do anything about the situation in the world and that is how you delude yourself and deceive yourself to never actually take action and to accept the world the way it is, through happiness, feel good little feelings.
And obviously the world system in terms of money, and all the days like ‘Christmas’ and ‘Father’s day’ and ‘Mother’s day’ – all those kind of stuff is supporting your self delusions in keeping you trapped in it. And all the parent’s are teaching their children exactly the same traps so that they can feel good and even say, ‘I mean how dare you, let the child at least live and feel good while they’re alive’. Meantime, you have stolen that child’s life using the deception of feeling and energy.
Understand, the ‘Physical’ do not feel good. The ‘Physical’ will either have pain or no pain. That is all the physical feel. It’ll be either hot, cold – it’s simple physical things, that’s what the physical feel. That’s what’s Real.
One plus One Equals Two.” – Bernard Poolman 

 

So, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements on consequence to come…

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187. Personal Diversion Tactics to Procrastinate

Physical Dimension – Procrastination Character – Pains and discomfort at a physical level and participation in imagination/ positive thinking.

 

While I was working in the document, I could spot all of the following thoughts, distractions, desires and wants that would pop out of seemingly ‘nowhere’ according to the energetic imprint that I created toward that something in my reality – or even people for that matter which might seem odd but, I see clearly how the mind can literally grab on to anything in order to create a point of distraction to continue getting an energetic fix. This is because the act in itself of writing this document is not motivated by energy, and it is only a physical action while being correcting at the same time the resistances that I had created to actually get it done. So, while working on this, being here as breath is the physical support – but I did spot several points coming up besides the physical pains, and these are just examples of the ones that I was able to identify while working on it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the ‘thought’ of a movie that I wanted to download and watch while I was writing, and having the image of this single still picture of the movie that I saw on the internet, and for a split second thought of ‘going to download and watch it’ lol, which is absolutely absurd lolol since I am not even that ‘kin’ on watching movies– okay let’s see what’s this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entice myself with the curiosity and the expectation of me wanting to watch that movie ‘someday’ according to my own thoughts upon reading the movie’s review in that moment when I became aware of it a few months ago, and believing thus that I must now ‘find out what it is all about’ in order to quench my curiosity, which is only related to the process of distracting me from getting my written document done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having always given ‘head’ to that which I would rather want to do such as watching a video, hearing a song, seeking news about a particular movie/ concert/ artist in order to entertain myself for a moment, wherein then it would  simply be already ‘time to do something else’ and in that, lose perspective of everything that I had committed myself to do right before this ‘distracting thought’ emerged.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always have the thought of ‘oh just for one moment, one little distraction for these few minutes/ won’t take long’ wherein I usually do stop writing and go do that something else that came up in my mind, without realizing how it is that I have accepted and allowed myself to first get into the alternate dimension of thinking about that something ‘better to do,’ which is mostly linked to a positive experience, then direct myself to stop what I was doing and then go and do/ attend that something else in order to satisfy my curiosity and desire to do something else/ get away from the task, without realizing that in such seemingly ‘unimportant moment,’ I lost focus and sight on that which I was already doing such as writing, instead of remaining here as breath and simply Not following through with my desires.

 

When and as I see myself going into the thought of a movie, song, artist or anything else related to what I have deemed as ‘my entertainment’ in the moment that I am about to begin working with my written document / already working on it – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am allowing myself to be distracted by my own positive thinking in the form of things that ‘I enjoy reading/ watching/ listening’ as a stimulation to my senses to get a positive experience from it, instead of realizing that I am here to direct myself and work on this document, which certainly doesn’t require me to first have some ‘positive experience’ to then work on it, as I know how it always goes: ending up wasting time and then simply realizing that I have to do other stuff and ending up leaving this task for ‘some other time/ later’ which is not acceptable.

I commit myself to actually stop myself from going into the ‘feel good’ experience as a positive thinking type of action such as watching, hearing, reading something that I have defined as my positive experience and instead focus on that which I am here to do – focusing on breath to not participate in the enticing thoughts.

I commit myself to breathe.-out the initial excitement and expectation of me having for a moment decided to go into the positive experience as a way to realize that I would only fall for the fleeting momentary experience of excitement and enjoyment as an energetic experience and single distraction point that in no way support me to actually be focused and determined to get to my document.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suddenly have the thought of that person in my life that when I was writing about recreating ourselves as individuals and taking responsibility and went into the daydreaming fantasy point of this person finally understanding and aligning his life to what is best for all so that I could then go back into his life and within this, allowing myself to create a positive experience that became a diversion point from the moment of writing.

When and as I see myself deviating from the writing into a thought or experience based on a positive memory related to someone that I had created a positive energetic experience toward, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the image is based on desire and that I am the only one able to stop it – and furthermore, work with.

I commit myself to not brush aside these seemingly fleeting points/ moments such as having the thought of this or that person in my reality that I had created a particular either positive/ negative experience toward coming up in my mind, as this is clearly following a pattern of distraction and imaginary enticing experiences that I would usually follow through – and in this, support me to also work with ‘my desires’ in order to ensure that I am not binding myself to any person or point as an energetic relationship toward them/ it – but instead support me to be actually ready to face all aspects of my life that I have brushed off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience pain in my shoulder blades when I have begun reading the writing and figuring out my how to proceed and wanting to simply stop because of the pain and discomfort, without realizing that in this I am trying to make of the pain and discomfort the excuse, instead of realizing how I have created the problem as pain and discomfort myself for having given too much time to the mind and procrastination instead of assisting and supporting me to walk through the pain, breathing and committing myself to get things done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a burden on my upper back when realizing that there’s this ‘thing’ that I must get done as soon as possible and instead of going into working on it, I experience pain and discomfort about it, without realizing how I am within this giving into the future projections, backchat and looping around the thinking and internal conversations about the amount of time it will take, which I have in fact already squandered only on thinking about it instead of doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my chest constricting and almost having a difficulty to breathe with ease due to getting into the thinking-process of time and the guilt for having squandered time and as such, neglecting the consequences that I am manifesting immediately in my body and as a consequence of me having participated in procrastination for an extended period of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my body as jittery because of the suppressed anxiety in relation to procrastination, wherein the pain in the shoulders, the arms and the quivering sensation of the legs is an indication of me being reacting at a physical level in order to make me feel ‘bad’ and not work on actually getting things done, which is to the benefit of the mind continuing existing within its own functioning using the physical resources to charge itself as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to complain about the physical experience of dull pains and poignant pains experienced in my arms and shoulders as a burden in my physical, without realizing how I am the only one responsible for doing this to me, due to the amount of thinking and looping around one single point that I simply did not do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘stop doing this’ as a way to stop torturing myself, without realizing that this is precisely not the way to follow through, as I realize that the more that I procrastinate and stop doing the task or directing myself to do so, I am not giving myself a resolution and direction as self correction toward the physical experience, but instead accumulating yet another layer of procrastination wherein my physical body is the one that is experiencing it the most – and I am only doing it to myself.

When and as I see myself experiencing a general ‘not feeling well’ experience within my physical body and wanting to opt-out from it and doing it some other day/ later, I stop and I breathe – I recognize that this is a defense mechanism pattern that I have participated in in order to not get things done and simply feel bad, go to sleep/ rest and then move on to do something else, which is plain energetic self manipulation.

I commit myself to face the physical discomfort as part of the consequences of me having created an energetic experience toward this particular task and within this, assist and support myself to breathe through the pain, write out self forgiveness in the moment, speak it out loud and within this I assist and support myself to walk through the resistances as they come up, as I am realizing that I cannot continue ‘fooling’ myself in brushing off the reactions and limitations as experiences that I had previously victimized myself about when it came to pains and within this, it is me taking responsibility for myself, my body and my physical experience as I walk through my time loop.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever consider that being here and only breathing would be being too ‘lax’ toward myself, wherein I became used to talking myself into anxiety as a ‘rushing point’ to ‘get things done’ which is how when and as I am simply breathing, there’s this anxiety looming and wanting to come up even without particularly thinking about it, but it’s simply linked to the physical point of being working on something that I realize is a task and that ‘must be done’ no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a light headedness/ cloudiness on my head as I write and suddenly, a sharp pain on my chest emerges wherein I realize that I am fearing not having the ability to get this done/ not having what is required to do so, without realizing that the pains and the discomfort stem from the very thoughts that I accept and allow myself to participate in the moment that I don’t follow through/ continue with a physical application of doing things in my day to day living, but create a point of resistance toward this, without realizing that I have simply been missing deliberately focusing on breath while working on the task/ point to walk through.

When and as I see myself going into the cloudy-head experience linked to a sharp pain in my chest, I stop and I breathe –I stop participation in the least thought about me doing and directing myself within this task, as I have seen and realized the thoughts for what they are: simple distractions existent to only support my own mind possession at a physical level, to within this while being in such experience, make excuses to stop doing what I was doing and go into something else, which is precisely the point wherein I have to stop the pattern.

I realize that I have to actually support myself with reading other documents in order to also get further ideas on how to give it direction, as me wanting to do it ‘all alone’ and having no point of support is rather egotistical as well as in ‘wanting to do it all by myself’ and not using other people’s writings as references.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical body to such an extent that I was absolutely unaware of the physical strain and discomfort caused by the procrastination point due to the amount of time I spent thinking ‘walking in circles/ beating around the bush’ about it, wherein I realize my responsibility within realizing how I tend to want to simply ‘cover it up’ with a belief of me not ‘caring’ about it, however once that the physical experience is quite heavy, it is impossible to not care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my own physical body strain and experience wherein I have become a victim of my own thoughts and experiences that have been now felt at a physical level, wherein I then use this pain as an excuse to stop doing the actual work – being this a loop that must be stopped no matter how painful it is at a physical level – I’ve done this to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually be so used to things being so easy to me that I have actually simply followed a belief pattern of this ‘written work’ being something ‘difficult’ based on the stories I’ve heard from many other beings that would always make it seem as something ‘too difficult’ to do, which is not really so and within this,

When and as I see myself manipulating myself to believe that this document is actually too difficult to do and that I must even experience some ‘heaviness’ toward it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have brainwashed myself according to the stories I’ve heard from other people, not realizing how we as human beings tend to make it all seem either extra positive or extra negative in our minds in order to perpetuate an experience toward ourselves, our reality and tasks to do, instead of simply working on it, getting it done and moving on.

I realize and accept my capacity and determination to do something that should not be categorized any different to any other writing I am able to write and express as myself, breath by breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate getting to the procrastination character in itself, causing physical consequences of this as a permanent binding force to the past as this ‘something’ that ‘I have to do’ but allowed myself to simply brush it aside and continue perpetuating it with no further actual physical direction to it.

When and as I see myself wanting to brush aside an actual physical experience toward a point that I ‘know’ must be done and worked with, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the key of the moment to self-correct is here as the ‘brushing aside’ point, which is an indication from my mind of that which I am existing as a reaction to/ toward within an energetic experience, which is a plain notice for me to actually work on it in order to take responsibility for this point of separation in the moment.

When and as I see myself having a sharp experience of anxiety – I stop and I take a really deep breath – moving my arms up and down if necessary in order to bring myself back here as I realize that such energetic experience must be ‘sorted out’ through breathing consistently and persistently as an awareness of me here in the moment.

I commit myself to not procrastinate getting to write about the seemingly ‘unimportant experiences’ that I would tend to brush aside, and within this realize that the more immediate my application is in the moment, I am able to re-establish myself as a physical level with more ease.

This is thus a practical consideration within the procrastination character in relation to process, and how I see that the more time I allow to go by, the more I simply create an energetic experience that I compound every time that I simply ‘think’ about it, but not get directly to physically do it. Thus, I commit myself to give myself direction to get things done and work on my self application as this is the gift that I can give to myself, the stability and certainty of re-gaining my self-direction at a physical level and toward anything and all I direct myself to do.

 

I commit myself to stop my self-entertainment and also within this stop judging the usually-labeled ‘entertainment’ as media and anything else that we would usually spot as diversion points, without realizing how I have created my own personalized entertainment as the mind and within this, become my own broadcasting company of positive experiences that I would usually fall for –thus it is here to realize how in fact every single entertainment outside of ourselves is only reflecting the same relationships we have created toward others / things in our reality with energetic experiences. Thus it is to once again realize that we are the ones that have created the entertainment industry as our image and likeness.

 

To be continued with consequences and redefinitions.

 

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186.Physical Pains: I Did it to Myself

Physical Dimension – Procrastination Character – Pains and discomfort at a physical level – Part 1

 

I am about to open up my document and suddenly my eyes begin feeling a tad heavy, like I suddenly want to sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my eyes going heavy and suddenly feeling overall sleepy and wanting to go to bed/ rest the moment that I am opening my folder with the written document that I have to work with – wherein I have become possessed by the belief of me being ‘tired’ to do this, wanting to ‘rest for a while’ to continue, without realizing that there is no possible way to be tired as it is only the middle of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of me wanting to sleep/ being tired from last night as an excuse to not get into the writing due to my eyes feeling sore, without realizing that this is part of the physical possession that I have created along with the backchat and resistances to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must close my eyes for a moment before getting to the writing because I am apparently ‘tired’ which is not really so, it is physical consequence of me having participated extensively in procrastinating whenever I would get myself to the point of ‘going to write the document’ and simply ending up not doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my eyes cannot be open one more second and believe that I cannot possibly continue, without realizing that my eyes are perfectly ‘okay’ no matter how long I stare at a screen, thus the discomfort is part of the self-created burden/ tiredness and pain and discomfort in order to not direct myself to do what I have to do, which is the physical point of transcending the energetic experience at a physical level as a physical consequence of what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in within procrastination.

When and as I see myself having my eyes going heavy and dry and suddenly wanting to close my eyes and doze off for a moment – I stop, I take deep breath and I realize that I cannot possibly be tired and that this is only an excuse that I have created at a physical level in order to not get to this point of writing the document, which is how I see that the friction and conflict and background ‘worry’ that I have created as procrastination, generates or I generate within me a desire to simply ‘sleep it off’ to then forget about me directing this point in the moment, as I see and realize that it is in the best interest of the mind as myself to continue existing within this procrastination character to in fact always remain bound to this One Point that I have to do, which is what has been preventing me from being absolutely here in every moment of breath as a self directive being.

I realize that the desire to sleep has become a way for me to escape responsibilities wherein I trick myself within the belief that ‘I am too tired for this’ and that I cannot possibly continue, wherein I have actually tested out last night how it is a matter of breathing through the experience, even going out to take some fresh oxygen/ air and then continue working on whatever task I am focusing on.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the upper side of my back going heavy and my head becoming ‘cloudy’ the moment that I am sifting through the documents to open the latest version of the writing and going into a slight experience of anxiety because of realizing that I have to go through it all over again and read and write and correct it.

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety as the rush to open up the document within the starting point of wanting to ‘get over with it’ for once and for all, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to breathe here in every moment through and while things are being done/ moved and in this case me going through the documents in order to open up the writing document, and also within this, realize that the overwhelming experience of it being ‘too much to go through’ at once creates the anxiety due to ‘not having enough time’ which is only a self-imposed limitation to not work on it in the moment.

When and as I see myself becoming impatient while going through the documents to open it up and wanting to skip-read throughout it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that being here as the physical requires no rushing as there is no deadline to ‘match’ but it is only my self-imposed rush as the result of having procrastinated the point for far too long wherein I am attempting to ‘make up for it’ in one go, which is not impossible – yet not preferred as I realize that I would be dishonest to myself if I just complete this task to ‘get it done’ instead of assisting and supporting me to be here in and as everything that I participate in.

I commit myself to realize that the rush experienced even at the moment of beginning to work with the document is only the accumulated anxiety that I created as a suppression when procrastinating this task throughout time, thus I take responsibility for not continuing supporting the energetic experience at a physical level, I instead breathe through it until I am here again in stability to then continue working with the actual writing and reading, ensuring that I am not wanting to ‘skip through it’ in order to go faster/ get it done sooner as that would simply be once again going into the rush of the mind to ‘get it done.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start thinking about just going and listening to this one song and then I continue, which is a seemingly ‘innocent’ way of creating a diversion point, without realizing how it is in the moment when the thought comes up to ‘go and listen to this song/ watch this video’ that I have to stand absolutely clear here, take a deep breath and continue seeking the document/ opening it up/ reading through it no matter how ‘long’ it takes to do so. Within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own entertainment and diversion tactics as mind control in order to get distracted from doing this particular task, wherein I realize that the moment that I even allow myself to ponder whether doing it or not is already not being absolutely here as the physical, breathing and directing myself to do what I know must be done. I realize that this is the same as giving up any craving that I would experience with other things in my reality as an addiction, due to the fact that I have become so used to giving myself these ‘experience treats’ that are not good or bad per se, such as listening to music – however it is the relationship that I have formed toward that as a way to distract myself from getting to my writing what is the point to self forgive and correct, as I see and realize that there have been many, many times wherein I can simply drone out into the ‘zone’ of just watching this concert, video, interview or any music that I am entertained with in order to then make the point as a ‘waste of time,’ go into regret and then move onto doing something else that is required to be done, BUT not this particular specific task that I was aiming at from the very beginning.

When and as I see myself wanting to divert my attention to watch a music video, listen to a song, go through this website to see what’s new as entertainment while having made the decision to work on my document – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am creating a point of diversion that I must deliberately stop and continue directing myself to continue and work with the task itself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link this particular task which is writing to a sensation of discomfort on my chest which is actually a fear as the accumulated experience of having procrastinated it for ‘far too long’ and within this, being experiencing the result of my own consequence which was absolutely unnecessary if I had just directed myself appropriately – however there are no ‘ifs’ and ‘If I had just…’ as this is only a point to recognize that I can only give myself direction from this moment on and sure that I do not actually make the same mistake again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to begin complaining in my mind about the pains and physical discomfort I experience when beginning to read, wherein I believe that ‘I must take a rest because I’m not feeling well,’ without realizing that the physical pains and discomfort has been created by me due to having given all my attention to always end up procrastinating the writing, instead of actually breathing and simply doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause pain in the pit of my stomach, arms, upper back mostly in relation to me walking through the procrastination of writing this document wherein I believe that the ‘heaviness’ and ‘pain’ is just ‘too much to bear,’ without considering and realizing that this is my own process of actually facing the consequences of what I have done and created to myself as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always give into the heaviness experience and seemingly tiredness believing that it is ‘real’ without realizing that it is real as a consequence of what I have created and propitiated myself –

When and as I see myself diverting my attention toward the physical pains and discomfort as an obstacle for me to stop and not continue with writing the document, I stop and I breathe. I take responsibility for my own physical discomfort that has been created as a result of the accumulated experience of suppressing the task while using energy to ‘tamper’ it and evolving my stance as the mind in order to make it ‘all fine’ while neglecting the consequences that my physical body is actually experiencing as a result of me keeping this relationship toward this one point as an accumulated experience of procrastination.

I commit myself to start considering every moment that I participate in the mind as this single act of thinking creating and manifesting a physical consequence due to my ignorant participation in the mind and procrastination as an energetic experience that I tried and suppress, instead of actually standing up and taking responsibility and within this, stopping the reactions and further consequences experience at a physical level from this.

this will continue

 

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185. Anxiety over Time

 

Anxiety is one of the physical consequences within the procrastination character – here I explore anxiety in relation to time, memories of anxiety linked with having to complete tasks or a specific ideal of ‘who I have to be’ in order to remain within the accepted and allowed self-imposed standards of being efficient, steadfast and accurate in what I do.

Physical Dimensions of Procrastination – Reaction of Anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the experience of quivering and energetic churning in my solar plexus, extending throughout my body as all my limbs and believe that I must ‘act’ upon this experience to make it stop, without realizing that it is just the movement of energy that is throughout my body as the consequential outflow of me having created an experience toward my reality as emotions, feelings, thoughts which are only existent to generate conflict and friction within me.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety within my physical body, I stop and I breathe until the energy dissipates and I ensure that I am bringing myself here back to the physical, wherein I then rewind the moment to see what did I see, what was I thinking, what single thought emerged within me that caused me this energetic physical experience, as I see and realize that it won’t go away just by ‘breathing’ through it, but that the core and starting point of it must be clarified within me in order to take responsibility for the relationship of energy that I created toward something/ someone in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I see that I am ‘missing out’ on doing something, which is usually linked to being procrastinating a particular task wherein the single thought of ‘task’ to be completed, triggers this inner experience within me that is felt in the pit of my stomach. I realize that it is a Lot more subtle than the ‘anxiety attacks’ I would get years ago, however, it is still existent as this minute ‘bomb’ that I experience as a burst of energy that quickly fades in the solar plexus area – however, the energetic experience is still linked to me ‘knowing’ that I have to do something and me believing that ‘I don’t have enough time for it,’ which is an excuse that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘rush’ the experience of anxiety with, believing that it must be ‘done now’ and within this statement, binding myself to time instead of giving myself a practical direction to establish a moment of the day to dedicate to my task/ project to complete.

 

When and as I see myself having the thought of ‘task’ and then backchatting ‘I don’t have enough time’ – I stop and I breathe until the experience of the anxiety in the ‘pit of my stomach’ dissipates as I ensure that I return the energy back to the physical through in-out breath – as I bring myself here back to physical stability, I give myself direction in that moment to proceed to work on the task/ arrange my other tasks so that I ensure I do work on it today.

 

I realize that this energetic experience of anxiety is directly linked to ‘time’ as this ever-looming haunting presence wherein I have made of time an enemy without even wanting to realize it, thus I stop defining my day according to ‘time’ but instead direct me to move in every moment according to tasks/ points that must be completed – that way I stop binding myself to time, and work on physical reality here in every moment, ensuring I take on each point breath-by—breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so ‘used to’ the experience of anxiety that I have managed to simply shove it aside for a moment, and believe that I could ‘live with it’ or the remains of it as this not-so overwhelming experience as it used to be, but this little tiny energetic outbursts after these years of being stopping what I called as ‘nervousness’ which was actually anxiety,  and that it was ‘part of myself’ as something that could not be entirely ‘stopped’ which is me limiting myself to my full ability to remain here as the absolute physical breath and stability that I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of anxiety a physical experience that I defined as my own ‘alarm’ to move on and pay attention to what was required to do, wherein I would experience anxiety whenever I was expected to move ‘fast’ and do things ‘quickly’ in order to maintain a certain expectation of my ‘performance’ within specific tasks, specifically stemming from the relationship with my father, that I’ve walked through several blogs as an example 103. Being efficient out of Fear! wherein I realized that this desire to ‘match’ my father’s perceived efficiency would cause me to get into anxiety the same way that I would observe him be and do wherein, even if he would react in anger and anxiety to direct things, everything would always work out perfectly – or so I believed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require anxiety to perform a task, to get things done as an ‘alarm’ or ‘warning’ that there is something I must ‘get to do’ and within my own ‘rebellion’ toward my own patterns – foolishly so – I created a laxity toward this wherein I did not precisely write self forgiveness on the experience of anxiety and its origin, but tried to simply ‘breathe through it’ without actually understanding how I created the pattern myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the memory of my father rushing us all to be ready to leave the house or do a particular ‘move’ wherein I perceived his own anxiety and demanding force for everyone to just hurry and move and get out of the house in order to leave, and me creating this experience within me of what I can refer to as anxiety within the belief that moving fast/ going out of the house immediately and essentially performing any task or something that is required of me to do, has to be done with this experience at a physical level of anxiety.

Therefore, I see and realize that I have programmed myself to believe that doing something ‘out of the ordinary’ or that which I am regularly comfortable with, must have an anxiety experience toward it accompanied with a sense of rush and steadfastness that is not physical only, but always accompanied with a mix of nervousness and anxiety as the expectation of something that would happen and that I would not know how to ‘control’ or what to ‘expect’ in such situations, which is how I believed that experiencing the ‘tickling’ throughout my body was a normal physical reaction to expectations, future projections, doing something out of my regular ‘doings,’ or being specifically called out by my name to move/ do something, requires anxiety for me to ‘wake up.’

 

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety when I am about to do a task or remember about doing it or being asked by my name to do something , I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me re-enacting that first experience of rushing/ fear/ anxiety and nervousness when I was asked to do something that I was uncertain about in relation to the point being ‘familiar’ or ‘known’ for me to Know what to expect – which is then realizing that I don’t require to have control of or be expecting something specific when dealing with a situation, when getting myself to perform a task, when going somewhere and meeting someone unknown to me as events wherein within my awareness have no reference to.

 

I commit  myself to realize that I don’t require anxiety in order to move and that it is certainly Not a normal experience whenever I am about to direct myself to perform a task, to go somewhere, meet someone, or I am simply asked to do something that I believe I am not ‘ready for.’ I realize that the readiness and steadfastness exists as who I am here as the physical breath by breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I go into a future projection of being in a situation wherein I am not ‘reaching my goal’ or ‘achieving what I expected’ or ‘fulfilling another’s expectations upon me,’ which is how I allowed myself to become the anxious and steadfast person based on the belief that I did not want to be as ‘slow’ as my sisters or mother, and within that, wanting to be ‘liked’ by my father for always being as ready, steadfast, accurate and efficient as I have perceived him to be. Within this, accepting his anxiety and usual anger as means o give direction to something or someone in a proper manner, within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I required to experience anxiety within me in order to move, do things efficiently and even more so, when directing others also having to exert anger within my desire to have everyone and everything just functioning and working the exact same way that I want it to be – wherein if something did not go out as I ‘have intended to’ I would go into absolute nervous breakdown.  In this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get anxious at the thought of that still image of me in the classroom in second grade and simply losing my focus on that ‘mental calculation’ exercise wherein we have to go making immediate multiplications and just writing down the result and me missing out one of them and so suddenly going into this extreme fear and anxiety because I saw everyone else was simply following through and ‘I’ had lost it and within this an immediate overwhelming experience rushed to my head as me not getting an ‘A’ /or 10 as it is qualified here – and within this, missing out my ‘perfection’ at that stage which was the time when I was overtly apprehensive about my reputation in school as an ‘A’ student. Thus I began crying and simply lost it, which was a way for me to also want to create a justification as in ‘poor girl, she’s crying, let’s do it all again for her,’ as a point of manipulation in order for me to have a ‘second chance,’ which obviously didn’t happen and I didn’t get a good grade and that’s how it remained as a memory to ‘keep’ due to the extensive amount of anxiety that lead to crying and the embarrassment for crying and for missing out on the exercise at the eyes of my entire class.

Within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety due to projecting onto others thoughts and beliefs of them thinking that I have simply ‘lost it’ as in missing out on the most simple stuff and within this, fearing to be stupid or dumb in that moment, which stood as an opposite of the image that I would ‘work so hard’ to maintain which was being the straight-A flawless student.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I believe that I am ‘losing my perfection’ wherein after the experiences throughout childhood of being overtly apprehensive with school, I became more ‘relaxed’ about it in order to show to others that I wasn’t as ‘apprehensive with school,’ wherein eventually it developed to the point I am facing today which is the ‘I don’t care’ character stemming from that initial stage in my life of extensive anxiety and apprehension toward school and doing everything ‘perfectly’ – o the point where I believe that ‘I don’t care’ however, always maintaining almost immaculate curriculum and within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety as a suppressed way to not look at what must be done, but instead seeing it as me ‘missing out/ losing my position’ in relation to any point/ task/ project that I have to complete, thus

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety as the accumulation of me having had this expectation of myself as being always ‘perfect’ and ‘right’ in and throughout school, generating this idea that I must then continue that personality and that because I am not moving myself to do so, I require anxiety to move as a way to generate fear within me to move myself – but! because it meets with my newly upgraded character of the apprehensive mutated into the ‘I don’t care,’ the anxiety is quieted down and immediately-instantly suppressed with an ‘I don’t care’ experience which is then creating a thought or come up with something for me to do in order to make it alright for me to not do things – thus  I see that this single play out of experience requires stopping both the anxiety and the cover up experience to the anxiety as ‘I don’t care’ in order to simply move physically and get things done.

 

I commit myself to stop waiting for me to experience a thought and anxiety afterward related to ‘doing the task’ as a way to move myself and within this, stopping the cover up experience of ‘I don’t care’ and leaving it for later – as I see and realize that as long as I continue making it ‘okay’ to save it for later, I continue the indecision and lack of self direction in one moment here, wherein I realize that I only require to make the decision and live it out as myself.

 

There’s more to come in relation to anxiety, ‘big projects’ or tasks and my looming experience that comes when thinking that ‘I have to do something’ but then going into anxiety, suppress it and continue doing something else wherein no self-movement is then occurring.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety at the moment for thinking ‘all the stuff I have to do after I post this blog’ and immediately wanting to rush to publish and ‘get done with it’ wherein I then start blaming myself for taking the time to work on the cooking process earlier and within this not prioritizing my time – thus,

When and as I see myself wanting to rush and get anxious to post my blog, I stop and I breathe until I redistribute the anxiety experience throughout my body and out through breathing, and then I realize that I require to be more directive during mornings like today wherein I can simply go straight to the writing to then focus on answering mails and everything else that must be done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be rubbing my feet within the anxiety experience wherein I have become so used to the rubbing of my feet as a physical indication of anxiety and nervousness upon the realization that ‘I am behind’ something and I must ‘hurry’ as if rubbing my feet would somehow expedite the process as a constant friction experienced as the act of rubbing my feet one against the other.

When and as I see myself rubbing my feet together as a way to externalize the anxiety as the friction I am experiencing inside me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I don’t require to externalize a point of literal friction within me outside as rubbing my feet one against the other in a constant manner, as I can instead stop the anxiety from the beginning and within this

I commit myself to breathe and slow down every single moment that I see the slightest emergence of anxiety as myself as a rushing point to ‘get it done,’ and also stopping the imagination and projection of doing things ‘right away after I’m done with this,’ as it is an indication of dimensional shifts that I am participating in, wherein I am not being fully here as the finishing of the blog itself, but already wanting to ‘finish it up/ get it done’ so that it is posted, without realizing that I have been the only one that has set this ‘time’ limitation to my tasks.

Instead, I direct myself to simply make use of my time effectively wherein I see that there is no point in limiting myself according to ‘time’ but rather ensure that I work-on and direct points that are required to be directed moment by moment – one after the other – ensuring that throughout the process, I am here as breath.

I commit myself to breathe consciously and in full hereness, stopping whatever I am doing, until I can stand and ensure that I am no longer being ‘subject to’ anxiety, as I see and realize that whenever I try to only ‘cover up’ anxiety, it becomes just this something that is placed aside without really focusing on identifying the origin point and within this supporting myself physically to breathe through it until all energy is dissipated and I take responsibility for whatever is causing the anxiety within me.

I commit myself to realize that who I am is stable here as the physical and that I require no energetic experience to move myself and direct myself as I have just seen and realize how I am able to breathe through the experience until the energy dissipates and I am here stable as self.

I commit myself to ensure that I breathe until all muscles of my physical body are not tense and I experience breath being comfortably here as myself.

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182.Feeling-Good will Not Solve the Problems in this World

 

And this same point applies to whenever we talk ourselves ‘positively’ in our minds wanting to only focus on that which will take us ‘out of the dumpster’ of that initial negative reaction toward the realization of having Things-To-Do and creating  an entire act of mindfuckism in order to pretend that it can be done later, that it must be ‘pushed aside’ as it is probably just ‘not a good time now,’ or requiring certain conditions such as a particular scenario, a particular ‘moment of the day,’ weather conditions, even mood for that matter to do something – all of these conditions actually stemming from our limited configuration that we have created toward this physical reality relying on a positive and a negative in order to make decisions in our lives to do or not do things.

I walked the negative reactions in the blogs 174. Sinking in Reactions after Thinking and Not Doing and 176.Imagining the worst case scenario: Obstacles to Protect Self Interest wherein the immediate desire to go for the things that ‘I want to do’ manifest as a thought – such as going out for a walk for example or doing some other task that I prefer doing – and within that single allowance of dimensional shift from me first of all, going into the imagination, future projection and backchatting about the ‘negative’ and all the ‘bad things’ that may come from me doing this or not doing it, we then go into the positive to step out of all the uncomfortable experiences that manifest in a physical manner such as reacting in apathy and sinking in our own mind bubble in an apparent inability to write in that moment, without realizing that writing is just a process of placing the fingers on the keyboard, pressing them in order to make words and that’s it. Any other resistance to do it, we investigate ourselves in our minds and the relationship created toward that physical action based on memories, pictures, future projections, beliefs, all of them self-limitations that we have created based on what? Not having obtained a particular ‘desired outcome’ before in such activity – such as writing and getting a ‘desired result’ out of it – which becomes this belief that we are not ‘good enough’ or we ‘lack’ something in order to accomplish this particular task.

In this I’ll take an example of me working with tools and doing activities that I had defined and limited only to be done by a male, and not ‘any’ male, but specialized people in construction. So, when I was at the farm without a thought I said I would collaborate in building rooms – I could see the thoughts of me doing a job that ‘only males could do’ and that I should rather keep myself to a more ‘gentle work’ – however, I decided to equalize myself within the consideration obviously of what I was able to carry and do based on physical conditions, but I’m talking about using tools such as a drill or sawing machines that I had simply kept in an aura of ‘male work’ and would not get anywhere near by it. Once I simply Did it and physically learned how to operate the tools and machine, I got quite comfortable in working equally within that project, eventually enjoying the expansion of my physical abilities that I had tampered based on a single belief of ‘construction’ being a male-thing type of activity. And so within this single example I can have a reference for myself how typing/ writing cannot be any different to me having proven to myself how I am able to in fact do things when I have no judgment toward the activity in itself, or when I move through the initial judgment/ backchat and simply direct myself to physically do it. Within that action, I broke my own ‘commandment’ of a self-religious belief that I would never see myself working in construction – well, there you go: all it takes is one breath, one decision and it’s done.

So, this is how within any point of procrastination we have to actually see all the background we have formed toward the point we are holding ourselves back from doing and placing a parallel for ourselves such as me and construction and how I was able to move through the belief in one go – and transposing this same action to writing: what is preventing me to write this particular task/ document? And within that, we’ve been walking here so far all the thoughts, imaginations, fantasies, future play outs and the reactions toward such mental activity, which becomes the accumulated experience at a physical level of the participation within all those excuses and beliefs as ‘who I am toward this particular task/ assignment’ and as such, create my own jail nicely locked with beliefs and even hope to somehow not have to get it done.

Therefore, getting back to the point I’m going to discuss now is how from the moment I created a negative reaction toward these self-created beliefs of me not being good enough to do this writing, not being satisfying other’s requirements within this particular task, I submit myself to a negative reaction of apathy and pessimism wherein I simply get ‘stuck’ and not move – all of this discussed in the blogs 179. Apathy as result of High Expectations and 180. Half way done.

Thus, I go immediately seeking to create my positive experience by pushing aside the negative with something that I have programmed myself to react with joy and enthusiasm toward, which in such chases can be me going out for a walk or doing any other ‘task’ at hand that is in no way related to this particular writing/ document that must be done – I mean in terms of computer point, it’s not even that I simply decide to go ‘partying’ instead of working on the document, but a single avoidance of opening the file in the same computer that I will still continue to be working on.

Thus, within the enthusiasm I pull out toward going out for a walk – which is more noticeable as a reaction other than just ‘shifting’ from responsibilities in the computer – I generate this experience of expectation of being out, experiencing the wind, seeing the environment, people, going to get something that I like –e.g. going to the store to buy peanuts, fruits, vegetables or milk – and then having this cool experience of listening to Eqafe interviews on my way back and forth and it’s like the ‘Me’ time of the day, which as I have explained I had created into a religion which doesn’t have to be if I am able to balance my time throughout the day to get to ‘all responsibilities’ without having to now refrain from going out for a walk as that would be separation of course.

So – the positive experience exists as a something ‘better to do’ than the task that we Have to do but have attached to a negative experience wherein we then believe that us actually doing that task will be a ‘bad experience/ unpleasant experience’ which is nothing else but a self-created relationship based on an energetic experience that we have imposed onto a physical-action to do – here it is very clear the relationship between mind over matter and how we have conditioned/ limited and defined everything that we do based on How We Feel About it.

Thus within this reaction of and toward a positive experience when thinking of that other something else we have defined and programmed ourselves to react positively to – with enthusiasm, joy, relaxation etc.-  we backchat ourselves to eventually move ourselves to fulfill that positive experience, stepping over and deliberately neglecting that which we realized had to be done and instead, allow ourselves to be directed by energy as this ‘positive experience’ in order to make it ‘alright’ within ourselves to better do that which we feel ‘good’ about and leave that which we dislike – by self-deluded conclusion – to do it some other time, placing an undefined ‘time’ for it, which can extend for as long as we can continue holding on this diatribe within ourselves of realizing that there’s this ‘something’ as a task/ assignment/ project that must be completed but instead, talk ourselves out of it every single time with pulling out something ‘else’ to do as a ‘better experience.’

And this is how we manipulate our reality – we don’t require ‘super powers’ for it, just the belief that a feel good experience is actually ‘real’ in itself, when we are only making it real based on our own definitions and judgments added to an activity, a something or someone in our reality based on the experience that we created toward ‘them’ in fact, which is then not about the thing/ person or activity in itself, but how we have created a relationship toward that person/ reality/ activity as a feel-good experience within us. This is how it is not to blame for example the ‘walking outside’ in itself, but it’s about the relationship that I have created within my mind of that single physical action of walking outside – which is rather cool and beneficial at a physical level – and instead made it an entire action drenched in positive experience which serves My purpose and My demand for a positive experience every time that I step into the moment wherein I realize that I have a particular task that I have been procrastinating and is required to be done.

 

In this if we look at our entire world system that is not functioning properly as an equal point of benefit for all, instead of realizing that a solution is required in order to support all bodies of existence equally through redefining the means to acquire – money – no longer being a point of power/ positive energy in itself, but as a single rights document to have all the necessary points to live, we continue using the very representation of our decision to ‘opt for the good feeling’ remedy, which in this case is using money to have that which satisfies us which, even though we realize it is being a point of harm and abuse as the current relationship that such money represents within this physical reality is not of equality as in not everyone being given money to live, which means that it only serves a minority’s desires and living necessities. We are essentially using money to get trapped in the belief of ‘well being’ that is being provided by a tool that has become the very instrument of extortion and abuse in order to fulfill a minority’s positive experience such as having a fulfilling life which should Not be even defined as a ‘positive experience’ if we could simply remove the negative aspect created of such positivity by distributing money to all beings equally. This is how every time that I participate in a feel bad experience as ‘the negative,’ I am accepting and allowing the very existence of this world in its ‘negative aspect’ such as all the problems that ‘lacking money’ signify in this world that is created as consequential outflow from the desire to have a positive experience in life which is translated at all times to ‘having money’ to do so.

Therefore, from a greater perspective, would I have the ability to create a positive experience in my mind and actually have the means and opportunity to ‘play it out’ if I was a slave-worker in the Chinese Factories that manufacture high-tech devices that only a minority can acquire and have a positive experience with? Could I in such a position of being mostly in a ‘prison-factory’ be able to decide not to work that day? No, I would most likely be fired and or simply left to starve that day for not having ‘earned’ my money to sustain myself – and this is actually the reality that people are really going through on a daily basis. Now, this is something that places every minute bullshit excuse that I may have into perspective, as I see that the motivation for me to do any task at all times is to do and be and act and create everything required to manifest a world wherein people will no longer be striving to make a living or be high-on ‘positive experiences’ built, for example, with the slave-work badly paid to people that have no option but to work in such a compulsive manner in order to satisfy what should be given-unconditional support for them to LIVE a life and not just ‘strive’ to remain breathing and selling themselves a workforce that sustains someone else’s positive experience, which is us.

 

Thus the responsibility in all aspects and dimensions of ourselves are ‘in our hands’ obviously, us people that can have a computer to write and have an education and get prepared to create and manifest a world that is in fact just and supportive in all aspects wherein we won’t have to deceive ourselves with positive or negative energies as there will be no ‘balancing act’ to play out if everyone is equally supported, which will obviously transform the very way we ‘think’ our reality – hence the way we Live our reality.

This is a self-note then, every time that I indulge into a positive experience or a feel better, I am the very motor of this world that perpetuates someone else’s enslavement to a job that exists to sustain this ‘positive and progressive civilization’ and to realize that I am squandering an opportunity to stand up for life as well within this – because it is in the very decisions  we make throughout our day that we are able to make a change which is focusing on what we require to do, be and become to stand as an example of how it is possible to be self directive at a physical level, and no longer serve the mind of energy as all the positivity that we have indulged in and is no different to thinking ‘positive’ to solve the problems in this world. The moment we ‘act’ from and of positive thinking, we are supporting and recreating and manifesting the separation and absurd inequality in this world wherein I actually have the ability to ‘chose’ what to do while others are inevitably bound to doing one thing repeatedly for 18 hours a day to barely make a living – and I am not willing to remain as a part of this chain that bounds all equally to the same drain – hence the Importance of studying and supporting the implementation of the Equal Money System

 

Time to Wake up

This will continue within the procrastination character and the responsibility toward the physical reality as the consequences that I manifest within myself as the whole whenever I allow myself to not be consistent, constant and diligent in all aspects of my reality.

 

For further support

Desteni

Desteni I Process

Desteni Forum

Equal Money System

 

 

 

Blogs:

Supportive series to understand how what we do / don’t do at an individual level affect the whole in actual physical reality:

 

Vlogs in response to a positive thinking promoter:

Matti
Sandy MacJones
Gabriel Zamora Moreno
Kim Kline
Maya Harel
Marlen Vargas Del Razo
Julieta Zochi

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