Category Archives: relationships

560. From Missing to Current Creation

Continuing from:

Practically looking at the word miss and upon reflecting on various things I see I have been ‘missing,’ a lot of them have to do with how I developed certain expressions within myself in relation to other people, or how I got to do things that definitely opened me up to many more aspects or facets of living, where once that these relationships ended up or ‘dried out’ in a way I remained in a state of disempowerment in relation to me not being able to continue developing what I got to do with others in terms of for example, creativity and genuine enjoyment I had when ‘collaborating’ creatively with others and also when it comes to a friendship with a female that I simply ‘let go of’ completely upon no longer living in the same place, and a phrase that has come up recently in me is how we have to nurture relationships, otherwise they ‘dry out’ which is what happened several times where I could have redefined these relationships and continued to enjoy myself within them, but I see how it was me that decided to ‘cut ties’ or believe they no longer ‘have time for me’ and in a way lose contact which I would genuinely appreciate even if it was ‘long distance’ many times.

 

How I got to realize this wasn’t an easy ‘looking at the word’ in one go. What I did was first seeing directly at all the points that did emerge within me in one way or another  – subtly or strongly – that I have been missing in my reality. These were both people or parts of myself that I got to experience and develop while being in certain relationships.

 

I saw how as much as I was not at a ‘great place’ when it comes to my emotions and decisions in life, the person that I was 10 years ago was also living more in a self-discovery, adventurous manner that I completely cut off/let go of when starting this process believing that I had to completely become ‘devoid’ of any sort of distraction at the time – which I associated with my personal interests and enjoyment at the time, which surely was a possible necessary phase as well considering how I was about to go down a downward spiral of mysticism right before I got to find Desteni and start this process, which was – in retrospect – a necessary pause in my life as well to really get to see who I am within it all and the subsequent 9 years up to now that it has taken myself to get to a stable position within me in who I am and developing sufficient self-support for what I see is yet to be created by me in my life.

 

Therefore  I also had to practically see what of ‘the me that I miss from over 10 years ago’ is livable and supportive to my current context, and of all things what I saw more prominently were the relationships to arts and music as forms of genuine enjoyment that I was able to share with others as well. I realized that I miss seeing reality with the eyes that I would see it before which was more of a genuine curiosity and appreciation that I then completely blacked out by defining all pictures as mind-interpretations therefore meaningless, therefore pointless – but I’ve come to realize it’s not even about ‘the pictures’ as much as it is about who we are in the process of taking pictures and what we can reflect on them, so going from pure aesthetics to a more internal process that I might have not seen entirely ‘within me’ before when I first started taking pictures over 10 years ago in a rather compulsive manner lol.

 

So that explorative, creative, adventurous me is the one that I have been ‘missing’ which in fact has become a sort of rigidity, at times ‘bitterness’ for cutting out this expression in me and believing that I had to be ‘ok without it’ – but it all has to do with how I judged such experiences as something ‘pointless’ or ‘superficial’ to do, and within this ignoring or deliberately suppressing the sense of enjoyment that I had with it which I am now looking forward to re-create and find the ways to do so in my current living situation, which might or might not be related to taking pictures per se, but I won’t know unless I actually test it out myself.

 

The same goes with things I used to do with certain friends where surely, a person’s expression is unique and the point here is not to try and find another ‘person’ that is exactly the same as the friendships or relationships I am ‘missing’ – nor does it mean that I have to re-establish a relationship with the same person because it is so that people change, have different lives, interests change etc. The point I’m looking at here is related to developing and nurturing relationships, which is something I can definitely see I have not done – have sucked at it actually – yet I also am aware that when I establish a relationship with another – being it of friendship or partnership – I am quite committed and loyal to it.

 

So it’s a matter of deciding to create more ‘meaningful’ as in deep and intimate relationships, nurture and develop them. And this is something I can certainly learn to see with a different pair of eyes than in the past as well, where relationships were more like a ‘personal hideout’ than a personal development of intimacy within myself and others, of supportive enjoyment and co-creation which are words that I have missed about myself as well in relation to others.

 

Also while looking at this word ‘missing’ I realized that it also doesn’t necessarily mean something that ‘was part of my life and is gone now’ but also considering things that I simply haven’t yet done and lived in my life and at the moment I have a notion of what it can be and it involves the word ‘depth’ in it as in really getting to know me, see me and continue to develop this self-appreciation that I sought to ‘receive’ from others so many times before in my life. And this is what I see I have been missing all along and only have been recently realizing this which is great so that I don’t end up ‘waiting for me to happen’ in a way, but I can lead myself to make things happen, to create the outcomes that I see are potentials yet I have not actively worked on developing them.

 

Therefore, I’m currently aligning and setting up what I call platforms, changes, requirements, tools and skills that I can use to move to the self-creation step in a more ‘system’ related context, which is actually what I have also been missing in my life as in not having a clear experience of yet and that I am frankly eager to create and establish for myself.

 

So, here it’s quite clear to see how from a point of ‘missing’ and emotionally reacting to it at first in a sense of denial that led to a ‘having to admit to myself’ of actually missing, to then the process/time I walked to separate ‘the wheat from the chaff’ as they say in terms of establishing what I was missing more from an emotional attachment, a sort of ‘nostalgia’ or selective memory starting point when it comes to seeing what I ‘miss the most’ – as all that which I have perceived as having been only a’ good time’ in my life, which I have proven to myself is a very limited way to look at ‘memories’ and ‘the past’ in general – so that I could also not focus on ‘the people’ I missed, but more like the parts of myself that I have missed, that I have truncated in my life and those that I have not yet developed or created yet and that I got to taste a bit of in certain past times or seeing what aspects of myself I can now create in my life with a new starting point as well – this also includes aspects of other people in my past that I can integrate in my own life as well.

 

This  enables me to see how to redefine the word ‘missing’ from a perception of lack or desire to ‘go back to having that which I no longer have’ to focusing on what is here as myself that I can create, take on or approach again but from the current starting point in my life and process of self-creation. And this is where the empowerment comes back to self, where there is no longer a sense of lack, helplessness, irresoluteness and keeping myself in a ‘waiting mode’ or being in plain denial about ‘missing anything at all,’ but, I can see how if I decide to do things = I make them happen, so I can approach this aspect of ‘missing’ the same way: stopping the longing, the belief of something being ‘forever gone’ within me and challenge such beliefs by bringing it back here and see who am I with it and how I can expand within it from my current position and starting point in life.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Artwork001 color

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


552. Who Am I as a Savior?

 

There’s been a pattern I’ve lived within my relationships of wanting to save the other person, in a way deliberately selecting a particular partner that I can see as a ‘rough stone’ that I can carve and sculpt for them to become the ‘better person’ I believe they can be. Now in relation to the starting point of an Agreement – which are the relationships established within a mutual self-supportive platform within the Desteni principles – it is to exist already within the self-commitment to support oneself, so that a relationship doesn’t become a co-dependence and lack of self-support where the other partner stands as that support for another, to complete another, to be the support that another is not willing to give to themselves.

Now in my case even if there has been the understanding of these principles in a relationship, I’ve seen how I have placed myself in the position of wanting to help, save or assist another that might not have been entirely serious or fully understanding what this self-agreement is all about, which creates a point of compromise for it in the sense that the agreement can only work if both individuals are first living a self-agreement, a commitment for self-support and when this is not so, what happens is that there is an inequality that eventually catches up in the nature of the relationship, where one is living such self-agreement or focusing too much on ‘supporting another’ and neglecting one’s own process, who one is in the relationship, which is what has happened in my case. 

So in the context of an agreement, it is by default understood that we are supposed to want to see a change not only of our partner but of both in the relationship considering that’s the foundation of it, to become better, to expand, to create ourselves into people that can be best for all essentially. However if this starting point is not entirely existing in one or both of the partners, then an agreement cannot simply exist.

So, the point of accepting another ‘as they are’ is compromising within the context of an agreement where yes there is an initial acceptance of who one is, but of course what comes next is the process of change from that into something better, otherwise the purpose and starting point of the agreement/relationship is useless and that’s where an assessment comes in relation to how valid or supportive it is to continue a relationship that is not leading to a self-supportive outcome for each in the relationship.

 

I have often fallen into the trap of wanting to change another based on my association with them and having too much of a ‘drag’ within my life because of being in a relationship with someone that is mostly considered as conflictive, troublesome person, a ‘rebel’ type of person and this was quite a while ago in my life, which is where I started this pattern of wanting to be ‘the point of change’ or ‘change catalyst’ in a person’s life, considering I could see who they could be if they could change certain aspects of themselves, but this of course became me enforcing change upon them, them not having any intent to change and so breaking up, which was the most obvious form of control that was reflecting back to myself my choices, which is something I just didn’t look at, what are my choices in relationships reflecting about myself, what am I accepting and allowing within diminishing myself in a conflictive situation? And the bottom line as well is a sense of inferiority where I considered before that I could change another and make them ‘best for me and the relationship’ and in a way also saw myself as ‘not good enough’ for someone that was more stable, grounded and already living self-support in a way. Therefore I can only see that my choices were made through my mind’s perspective of ‘liking challenges’ and kind of proving to myself and others how I could be the one that ‘changes them for the best’ – of course, failing every single time at it because my starting point in it all was flawed, and was already from ‘giving a chance’ to another, which means inequality from the starting point of the relationship.

So in order to calm down those anxieties around ‘what other people might think of me’ I would put extra effort in trying to change them so that I could then appear as the good influence over them, though it is definitely so that when you are in a relationship even more so living together, it is not easy to try and ‘push someone’ to support themselves, it usually backfires and the whole starting point of having to ‘push’ or ‘wanting another to change’ already denotes a necessity in me and also a lack of self-commitment to support themselves in the other person, so that’s another flaw in the context of an agreement.

The hardest point to look at is what my choices and my ways towards them reflected about myself, and that is also because of considering that there is some kind of nobility or ‘further effort’ in sculpting, molding, changing a person to become who I wanted them to become, and so kind of see myself reflected on them and who they would become, and I wasn’t realizing that in doing this, it was a way to create a co-dependence that is not at all supportive where another is ‘changing’ because of ‘me and the relationship’ and not for themselves, which of course ends up being a very enslaving situation and not best for both in the relationship.

So I had to see how I was diminishing myself in my choices considering who I am, what I’ve walked, what I’ve realized about myself and the potential that I am working on, which is something I have to take into consideration whenever assessing an agreement, and discard completely my previous starting point of perceiving I could walk this ‘noble path’ to support another and ‘change them’ and create a relationship based on such change. It could be so if both are entirely geared in a self-agreement of self-support, but if not, it’s quite impossible to get to any supportive outcome where one becomes the ‘cane’ for another to walk with, it’s just inequality and therefore, not supportive for either in the relationship.

 

 

The dynamics resulting from standing in this position of ‘being the one that supports the partner’ for the most part is a relationship of control, where I became at times a bit paranoid on how the other was doing and asking questions constantly to see ‘where they’re at’ constantly– meaning the starting point of it was of fear already, fearing that they are already building up some kind of consequence within themselves or towards others – and this becomes a point of fear manifested as ‘control’ in relation to me wanting to see a ‘change’ in another and constantly being ‘checking’ how that is going and progressing.

So it is so that one starts focusing more on ‘the other person’ and kind of handling, managing, controlling potential outflows of them not acting in a self-supportive manner, rather than being in a situation where both partners are entirely self-responsible, supporting themselves, sharing with one another to expand and create a platform of self-support in the relationship, without having to be fearing about each other’s life, outcomes or possible ‘falls’ because one would know each one can stand up for themselves. But when there is a situation where there is a clear inequality in that self-commitment, it becomes an unsustainable relationship, where in my case I would become quite angry the moment another would show/demonstrate no change in certain aspects and then having to compromise myself on those aspects, create a leeway, let go of ‘my control’ and give space to expand and change at their pace, but it also results in an ultimate question of ‘when is enough enough?’ which is a very pertinent point to look at so that we can give a leeway for self-change at another’s pace, though also considering it doesn’t become a constant paranoia, desire, hope that is endlessly elongated, becoming a situation that is only tolerated, which is of course not cool at all in an agreement.

 

What I have realized about myself in choosing a partner that I could change or save is that I was trying to prove that I could change another, that our relationship could be supportive to the extent of them finally having something that they desired – for example a supportive environment, a supportive partner, someone that can know about their life and still accept them, so to me it was a way to ‘do onto others what I wanted to be done unto’ as well, considering that I perceived myself as not good enough, not appreciating and regarding myself sufficiently in my past, so a part of that would still come through when it comes to choosing a partner that in a way I could see as ‘inferior’ in the sense of not yet been entirely ‘self supportive,’ so that I could implement a point of control in the sense of having them do and be the way I want them to be and create a point of security around that. Though I’ve actually realized how this becomes a very unhealthy relationship because the other person is entirely there ‘just for you’ and aren’t really focusing on who they want to be for and as themselves and are only existing ‘for you and the relationship,’ which makes one feel like their entire life now depends on you, and that’s certainly not a ‘weight’ one would like to carry on with for a lifetime.

I was willing to do that for a while but throughout my repeated experiences within this same pattern, I’ve finally realized that I have to step up within my choices and realize that I can be in a relationship that is more equally supportive and where I can be challenged not in the sense of ‘me changing another’ but more in the sense of me pushing myself to be  better, to adapt, to learn from another that is also supporting themselves. And I mean I could do this also to a certain extent in those previous savior-relationship contexts, but not to the extent I realize it can be possible when being with someone that is fully grounded in walking this process for themselves.   

 

The ultimate question is: when is enough enough? And drawing the line when one has given sufficient time for them to support themselves in walking through particular patterns or points they are having to work with in their lives, and I here could consider it as a healthy situation to make it part of the initial settlement of the agreement to ‘review’ the agreement on a periodical basis, maybe each year where both know exactly which points are to be changed/worked on individually and together and be aware that there is such thing as a timeframe to work on these points and that the agreement is not a ‘set point’ as a marriage where you’re supposed to just go with the flow in it and ‘accept’ another person the way there is, because in an agreement there is such thing as an expectation of change, individually and together in the partnership. So, it is very much like a business you know? Where it is based on practical living, on living paths, plans and considerations, on how healthy and supportive the communication is, the interactions, the overall development of both as a partner in their environment – and according to that, it can be assessed that if after one year of setting certain points to change within oneself there’s no improvement, both can decide how much longer it is needed, or when is enough enough.

In my case there have been always very determining factors that had led me to say ok up to here where I see the obvious codependency and the other person entirely defining themselves according to a relationship, a neediness of sorts which is not a statement of self-independence in self-support and in my case it also involves letting go of the idea of having someone I can completely ‘mold’ according to my taste and requirement and make them depend on me to exist on, because that’s not healthy at all, that’s not self-supportive and this is where the point of applying Tough Love comes in, where it is best to end an ‘agreement’ that has become a relationship, where fear of loss of one another exists, where there’s a self-diminishment in one’s lives and potential, and where it becomes too much of a comfort zone when it comes to one or both in the relationship focusing too much on ‘the other one’ instead of on oneself and ultimately that’s the kind of set-up where one knows that ‘something is just not right’ and continuing it out of tradition, compromise or dependence will only lead to further self-compromise and self-diminishment, so I am definitely now aware of how it is most supportive to have a clear communication with both in the relationship around this point and be willing to stand in the position of letting go, ending a relationship when it is clearly not supportive for both any longer.

Now, this is nothing personal, I mean I am recognizing my decisions, my choices, what they reflected about me, the patterns I’ve played out in all of my relationships up to now – to varying degrees – and this is what self-honesty is about where we have to be willing to see those patterns within ourselves and others to see who we’ve become as our minds, as our habits and acceptances that we can then decide to work on and change within ourselves. Therefore this is not an intended ‘bashing’ of sorts towards anyone because I am sure that once that one is able to give a step back and recognize the patterns within oneself, one can see one’s truth when stepping into self-honesty, which is something that is also possible when a person decides to do so upon facing consequences – most of the times. And I’ve been able to see this in my last experience related to this where we were both able to see and recognize the points that each one lived or didn’t get to live and be humble enough to accept the facts, which are all based on actions, words, deeds, reality based aspects that we cannot deny or blame anyone else for, and that’s where one gets to a solid point of self-stability in relation to it in order to accept the outcome of something that wasn’t being supportive and functional anymore, and that’s the moment where it’s best to let go of it.

 

So what I would do in a future establishment of an agreement or a supportive relationship is first of all be very practical, assess where the other person is and this time definitely give myself the ability to choose and decide what would be most beneficial for me and for the other person depending on life paths, plans, points of self-development not only at an internal level but also interpersonal or in relation to activities in the world out there, and definitely getting to be aware that the person is genuinely supporting themselves where I won’t conform with having an intent of self-support in another but rather having a consistent proof of that through one’s everyday living.  And in relation to myself, I will also have to let go of my surreptitious desires, wants and needs based on having someone with me that is more of a ‘supportive’ role than an active co-creator in a relationship. My definition of wanting to be challenged is no longer going to be in the sense of being challenged by/through relationships with people that I’ve defined as ‘challenging’ as having more ‘difficult patterns’ than other people and stop pretending that ‘I can change them for the best’ because as long as that intent is not there within themselves, it just won’t work.

The bottom line is, remembering that an Agreement as established and defined within the Desteni Principles is about SELF-Agreement, not about ‘the relationship’ or ‘the other person,’ it’s always about who one is and what one accepts and allow within a relationship, which means that at all times, whatever I accept and allow to exist within me towards another in a relationship or what I accept and allow to coexist with Is what I have to take responsibility for, as well as reminding myself that I can always have the ability to practically assess what is functional and when something ceases to be functional in self-honesty – no fear of loss, not keeping a relationship based on ‘everyone else’s expectations’ or my own ‘hopes’ around it, but be self-honest according to what the results are on practical reality on a day to day basis.

Ultimately, not to forget that it is me/myself/I that I will live with for the rest of my life anyways, so this is to not forget myself in the picture of a relationship-entity in separation of myself, but always realize that I am the one that determines my outcome and creation within a relationship, and that I have to be the one that is self-honest and self-checking to ensure self-compromise is not being allowed – and if it creeps up, to open it up and correct it within oneself, because ultimately who we are going to live with is ourselves and in our creation as an outflow of our choices and decisions, so what a better way to ensure that this is an effective outcome other than practically assessing what’s self-supportive for oneself and so others as well, always considering the potential, the process of change, being gentle and flexible yet practically assessing the continuity to this self-process within me and so within the context of a partnership or relationship.

That’s where I have to focus on myself, where I see I can best support myself, where I see there is more potential in the co-creation process with another in a relationship instead of placing myself from the beginning as the ‘supporter’ or ‘helper’ or ‘guiding light’ for another to get to a point of basic self-support, which at least for me, my position, my process, my life, what I’ve walked and done for myself, I am now deciding to recognize all of this as myself, who I am, my creation so that I no longer see myself through the eyes of ‘who I was in the past’ in the perception of being this ‘inferior’ person that would latch on to anyone that showed some appreciation back, but stand as who I currently am in my disposition to further develop myself, further challenge myself in conjunction with someone that is also visibly and practically challenging and pushing themselves to be better every day – and yes, I’ve heard it many times from people around me ‘Oh you’re asking too much, people are just not wired to be like that!’ but it is not so, I was once ‘the lost one’ that was existing in self-deprecation looking for a relationship to be saved as well, only to then turn into that myself once that I started ‘getting out of my own hole’ and that’s precisely what I have to stop perpetrating, inequality in a relationship and instead, create and establish self-supportive agreements where 1+1 = 2, nothing more and nothing less than that.

Thanks for reading

 

Check out our hangout on this topic with Maite and Matti

Trying to Save or Change your Partner? – Relationship Success Support

And Matti’s blogs on this point as well:

 

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


534. Comfort in Solitude

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

One of the outcomes of being used to being with another such as a partner in a relationship is that one becomes used to being in the company of another and that becomes a form of comfort for some of us,  where  whenever the other person is not there, the outflow experience is that of perceiving a lack, an ‘incompletion’, a ‘discomfort’ when being alone, which emerges in certain times where joint activities are no longer being lived in the company of another, but instead one has to get used to being alone and the point here is thus to get to be comfortable being by myself, which is something I found ‘attractive’ from that previous post I explained in relation to attraction and how I find that sense of comfort in being alone, comfort in solitude as something ‘desirable’, which doesn’t mean I have to get it through ‘being with that person,’ but rather taking their example and living it as myself.

I find this a key aspect to develop and integrate within me because of having a tendency to become dependent on another’s presence to create an experience of comfort, stability and even confidence which means that I had made myself dependent on another’s presence in order to ‘feel’ stable, secure, content and fulfilled within myself.

For example, I’ve noticed how after being so used to always going out for walks with another, the sheer perception of now doing it ‘all by myself’ triggers a sense of lack, incompletion, a ‘missing’ experience which in turn would create a discomfort experienced physically within myself.  Though this is not how I have always been, I had found such point of comfort being alone before, however after getting used to being with someone else most of the time, it takes time to readjust and this is where I also have created the perception that people that can live completely alone and be entirely by themselves are some kind of ‘super humans’ because of having perceived that I could not be able to do it anymore.

However the fact of the matter is that I have done that before, maybe not living entirely alone as in a remote island, but very much living in a single place alone and it was quite a challenging experience for me that made me confront myself in so many ways that it is one of those times where I definitely got to face those fears until I was able to get to enjoy being by myself and ‘doing my own thing’ – yet also making sure it doesn’t become another form of comfort zone so as to not have to face ourselves in relationship to others, because it is in relationships that I’ve found I can open up a lot of points within me to align, correct and so develop further within myself.

So here the point is to develop self-comfort regardless of who is around me or not, and it is practically lived when I stop myself from thinking, believing and perceiving that I am ‘lacking’ something, that I am ‘missing’ someone in that moment, or that I would rather be ‘with someone’ in certain situations. It also has to do with bringing up certain insecurities where the company of another becomes a form of safety/security that surely in reality in certain contexts it is best to be moving around in groups or at least two, but I’ve also made it a point to see how many people actually spend their days completely alone and move around alone – therefore, it is only a perception that I’ve gotten used to in my mind in terms of perceiving that being alone is an experience of discomfort, of ‘loneliness’ which interestingly enough I had not seen as such in terms of this word ‘loneliness’ until now, perceiving that I as an individual is lacking the company of another.

And this is why whenever I’ve seen people – like the artist I’ve shared about before – that live alone in the mountains or in remote locations and have no contact with other people for some time, I perceive them as ‘super humans’ because I believe I would go mad in doing so, however it is really not about admiring people for doing that, but instead seeing it as a choice or a decision each person makes in terms of how they want to live and experience their lives.

The notion of it being something ‘superior’ in my eyes is simply a consequence of myself perceiving me as inferior to that, believing I would not be able to live like that –  but, as a matter of fact I have to a certain extent done that and I have to remind myself that it doesn’t make me any better or worse either, but certainly assisted me to get more in contact with myself and get to enjoy my own presence – and yes also cut back into the relationship dependencies – where I would not go walking through the streets experiencing a lack or anything like that, which means I have to remind myself of this whenever I feel a loneliness, a discomfort, a lack, a perception of ‘I should have someone next to me’ and simply embrace myself completely in the sense of knowing I am with myself, I am an individual and regardless of being in a relationship or not, I am always alone with myself.

Therefore this comfort in being alone is simply a common sensical decision considering we won’t ever be constantly ‘living with another’ next to us, nor is it even supportive to do that considering how I’ve defined it as healthy to always have time for myself, which I also enjoy whenever I am having a set of activities, goals and purpose for my life, which is in essence what I decide to make my life about, instead of running within the programming of ‘relationships’ in my mind seeking a sense of companion, partnership, friendships or else.

The memory that comes up is how while in school I would rather spend my time alone than interacting with others during the break, and this was simply based on personality factors at the time, which doesn’t mean I would not enjoy interacting with everyone else back in the class, having a common purpose. However living that decision would come with an experience of discomfort at the same time, even while knowing it was entirely my decision, I would still feel like I should have a friend to spend the free time with, which also came up as an experience of lack after having my best friend at the time move to a new school.

So I see that it is a temporary experience of lack that comes after having been very close to someone else and in this case, I can only remind myself of the times I have gotten to be alone and comfortable and even challenge myself beyond that, to ensure I am not adding any tinge of loneliness, depression or sense of lack, but rather see this as one of the ‘weaknesses’ that I can transform into a strength, because I’ve definitely realized that this is one of those ‘hardwired’ aspects that has been the most challenging in my life to get over with once that I’ve found the comfort, stability, support that comes with company – now I have to be and live those words for and as myself and realize that even if I am ‘alone’ as an individual, we are all in essence all one and that interacting with others is definitely a part of our reality to remind ourselves of that, also to not get into a bandwagon of ‘superiority in aloneness’ which would defeat the purpose of this.

It’s about being unchangeable within me, whether alone or in the company of others, who I am should not be affected by who is with me or not, while also being able to continue observing myself in relation to this, which in practicality it means stopping any participation in thoughts of lack, of missing, of feeling ‘incomplete’ or feeling ‘insecure’ while being alone, specially while out and about in the city – and instead remind myself that I am here with myself as well as with the rest of human beings that are usually around – and that I’ve been alone before and have gotten to be ok with it –therefore this is a point of adjustment within my life where I decide how long it takes for me to fully incorporate me into my presence, and stop thinking in terms of ‘lack’, and instead live fulfillment, completion, aloneness as the individuality that I am

Thanks for reading

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


530. The Secret Behind Attraction

Or how to transform an experience towards another into a learning process that gets us expanding our lives instead of diminishing them

Back to my self-investigation and particularly focusing on relationships and specifically the attraction we can feel towards others and how to turn that back to self- to investigate what are we missing out about our own lives and self-creation when and while creating any form of infatuation, likeness or attraction toward others.

Now this topic is something I started actually writing out in my journal last week, however I recently watched Matti’s video on this same topic Social Media and Impractical Relationship Fantasies, which made me laugh a bit because I have been working on a very similar point – different context yet same outcome. In my case this ‘attraction’ was towards an artist that I became aware of some 2 years ago and upon watching a documentary where he was featured talking and sharing himself doing his ‘day to day’ activities, I got to perceive certain aspects of his expression that I found myself creating a form of attraction to, and I have to be honest in the fact that I’ve watched several interviews with the same guy because of liking his expression and getting to see how he ‘views the world’ so to speak, which frankly it’s not something I even agree with entirely – however it wasn’t so much about what he stands for or how he views life what I was focusing on, but rather his overall presentation and expression.

Over time what happened is that even while being in a relationship, the image of this guy would come up and not in the lovey-dovey type of infatuation, but more so as an expression that I did see myself desiring to see or experience in my life, which means whenever I would see ‘his picture’ coming up in my mind, I would at times kind of embody certain attitudes that I liked about him, which may sound strange but this is not such a defined and refined process to really keep describing, because I didn’t get to apply this fully over time and wasn’t taking this investigation seriously before.

It was only last week that I saw myself again ‘veering’ towards the image/expression of this guy and that’s the time where I decided to take on this point and I started making a list of all the words/aspects I perceive that this guy represented as that kind of expression that I wanted to be or become myself.

Here I am skipping one aspect though for context and in case you haven’t checked out Matti’s video. What we’ve realized in our self-awareness process is that whenever we find ourselves ‘attracted’ to someone it is in fact indicating aspects that we have separated ourselves from, words we haven’t yet lived for ourselves, it indicates expressions that we see or perceive others are living in their lives that we can enjoy and instead of seeing ‘hey how can I become that myself too?’ we respond with a ‘desire’  in ourselves – which yes I’ve also written out before in sounding the word ‘these-i-are’ or desire as in we are or can be what we desire from others.

However the usual way to interpret this experience is creating a mental-‘connection’ with the person, such as desiring a relationship with them or creating an infatuation or obsession about them, when in fact we could instead redefine that to be a set of aspects that we can integrate into our own lives if we see – of course – they are best for our lives and for others as well.

So, here are the words that I’ve essentially ‘separated’ myself from living as myself and some others that I’ve kind of gotten to integrate a bit but not yet fully. Now it is also convenient to say that these are my perceptions based on what I’ve seen of him throughout these interviews and documentaries where he’s featured where I’ve gotten to perceive these words coming through him and it is very cool to instead of having this ‘undefined’ experience towards someone and just dubbing it ‘attraction,’ be able to write out the exact words that I can instead look at within myself and see practical ways to live them myself.

What came up is confidence, passion, comfort (in solitude), self-enjoyment, transparency (no pretense), comfortable in their own skin, authentic, seriousness, funny, creative, expressive, simplicity, adaptable, humble/modest, physical, dedicated.

So, here the point is for me to look at each of these words and establish ways to integrate them and live them for and as myself. This is the way to actually stop creating obsessions, ideas, beliefs about others based on what we only get to see of them either through ‘social media,’ or interviews as in my case, or even if it’s someone you interact with on a daily basis. Before even jumping into the notion of a relationship, it’s best to ensure that one’s approach to that person – in the case of it being a realistic and practical situation – is not coming from a ‘desire’ towards the person because of them representing all of these points that we desire to have ourselves, and so wanting to ‘own’ such expression through ‘owning’ a person in a relationship, which is completely the wrong starting point to be in any relationship to begin with – whether partnership, friendship or else.

It is also very fascinating to realize to what extent we have prevented ourselves from getting to fulfill ourselves, to be who we really want to be and become and learn from others to live words that we perceive others are living – and instead we fall down into the trap of ‘relationships’ and desiring relationships with others based on an idea of us being able to also benefit or ‘have’ such expressions through being in a relationship with another.

It’s not even necessary for me to say that of course it is not so and we are only prone to become addicted, dependent and completely ‘bound’ to someone because of perceiving that another is ‘fulfilling us’ in all of those aspects and words that we haven’t yet instead taken the time and effort to write out and live for and as ourselves, which is what I’m about to do so that I can stop my almost – not almost, actually – 2 year type of ‘image in the mind’ kind of infatuation that would come in ‘waves’ every now and then, and I simply minimized it, didn’t pay attention to it, I reduced it to some kind of infatuation – when in fact I’ve actually found these cool words that I can now work with now for myself.

Another important thing to mention is that everything that I can perceive about another is precisely just that: a perception, a belief of who others are and also not all the ways in which a person presents themselves might be a genuine expression either, though that’s up to each person to align and fine tune within themselves – that’s how the only point I can a certainty of is on the words that I can redefine and live as myself in a genuine manner for my benefit and that of others as well.

The key word for me to start of debunking my own apparent inability to develop these words for myself is ‘admiration’ – where it is in fact implying that I am seeing another as superior, as more than me, as ‘beyond’ my reach – and yes in this case practically speaking definitely not realistic to even conceive a ‘relationship’ nor would it be the right starting point for me to pursue any of it even if ‘possible’ – however I can definitely apply self-forgiveness for this ‘ad-miring’ or ‘seeing another as more’ based on how I perceive them, forgetting all about our equality and oneness wherein another being represents potentials of who we can also be and develop ourselves to express if we so decide to work on it.

In this case this guy’s life and context is of course completely different to my own, which means it’s not like I’ll become ‘him’ in any way lol, but rather adapt those words based on my own context, life and living purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘admire’ another human being for the qualities, words, aspects that I consider they embody and that I have believed I cannot live and integrate in my life, which is a massive point of limitation considering that any other human being is an equal to myself and that I have the potential of being able to develop these aspects/words that I’ve seen in others and work on integrating them, living those words and aspects in my own life, according to who I am and what I am dedicating myself to be and do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in inferiority whenever I have accessed the notion of ‘admiring’ another wherein I am placing someone else in a pedestal, making them ‘superior’ to myself – therefore making myself inferior by default– and at the same time believing that if I was to ever try and ‘be like them’ I would not succeed, it would not come out the same way and therefore, I would have to simply not even try to learn from them. Which is also another limitation here because it is not about copying attitudes or ways of living from others, or doing exactly ‘what they do’ in order to be fulfilled and satisfied within ourselves, it’s about taking those words, aspects of them that we can integrate in our very own lives, in our context, according to our day to day experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that those aspects I have admired of another are ‘intimidating’ which is in fact representing more of the energetic reaction that we perceive as ‘feeling attracted’ to someone else feels like, where we are in fact reacting, not knowing how to ‘relate’ to certain expressions and so what comes up is fear, intimidation, feeling ‘less than’ instead of realizing that this intimidation is something I can change from ‘being in fear’ to rather embracing another’s expression as ‘another me,’ an expression embodied in an individual that will certainly not be ‘like any other one’ because it is futile to compare ourselves or anyone to others; as well as considering that this expression is something that I can integrate, adapt and fine tune according to who I am, my principles, my individual expression, wherein the other person becomes only a reference of how it is possible to live certain words, yet not making them an absolute guideline for me to ‘be exactly like that’ but more in the sense of expanding my own expression and potential into all of these aspects and see how I can create myself with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse seeing the potential of certain words and expressions in another and define it as an ‘attraction towards another’ instead of realizing it is in fact a reaction that we create to forever separate ourselves from living such potential as ourselves, on our own lives.

This means that from now on whenever any form of ‘attraction’ emerges even in fleeting moments towards apparently ‘unrealistic individuals,’ I still can simply direct myself to make a list of words that I’ve identified the other person with and work on them myself, and that’s the way to bring the points ‘back to self’ instead of lingering for a long time with a certain idea of desire or ‘attraction’ without any resolution to it.

So, I’ll continue opening up these words and seeing how exactly I perceive I am ‘not that  yet’ and how I can work on integrating them, living them as myself according to my life and individual context.

 

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


528. Hostages of the Past

Or how I’ve been existing in righteousness about the ideas, beliefs, opinions and perceptions towards people that I haven’t seen in a long time yet have dared to create an opinion about ‘who they are’ in their lives – and standing up from the gossipy me.

I listened to this audio interview called Directing Relationships and found it quite supportive considering I had a similar situation recently based on having to explain my past relationship with someone that another person also got to know of and we both had the point in common that our relationship with that person ended up with some kind of discontent on that person’s side so, in a way through this conversation we were seconding our perspectives about that other person being conflictive or ‘the problem.’

However the reality of the point is that I haven’t really talked to this person we were talking about in years and even if our last failed interaction ended up in me being like ‘what did I do that made him get so pissed off?’ I never really made any move to clarify things or haven’t made any decision to get in contact with the person and see where they’re at in their life currently, because ‘I saw no point’ but the reality is that there are judgments there that created such vacuum for me towards that other person.

Based on what I got from this sharing that Sunette recorded in that audio, I got to see how I did participate in a form of gossip in that conversation, where I was caging the person in a definition of who they were over ten years ago and where I last saw them which was almost four years ago, which means: a long time ago already.

I’ve noticed that I’ve actually kept this and many more people in my life in a particular bubble of judgments as all the reasons why I stopped talking to them, why I cut ties with them at the time – this mostly happening some 9 or 8 years ago, which is already quite a long time to even believe that I have a say on ‘who these people are’ currently, because I know for myself that I am certainly not the same person I was 10 years ago and that any idea, belief or perception I’ve kept throughout this whole time about someone being ‘this or that’ without actually talking to them and referencing ‘who they currently are’ ends up being an assumption and yes also a form of gossip where I believe ‘I know’ the person ‘so well,’ but is it, really? Not at all.

And another aspect is that even if I would spend my days with such person currently, I would still not have any authority to have a definitive say about ‘who they really are’ as a person, because it all would still be my perception, my opinion and limited judgment about another.

So I got a very cool wakeup call through this recording where I got to see where I had just precisely done that whole gossiping myself without even having identified it as such to begin with, because I was really certain about my ‘final verdict’ on ‘who this person is currently’ and I was standing in my judge position as if I knew exactly who the person is, not considering the time that has passed and the lack of interaction with them currently.

Therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold people in my past as hostages in my mind, wherein I would only ‘release them’ if I could have any interaction with them where I could define that ‘I am ok towards them again’ and therefore, release all of the judgments of the past, instead of realizing that I am the one that has created this whole hostage situation based on my own judgments and that it is because of those judgments that I would not actually allow myself to approach them currently in my life, even if an opportunity would arise, which I hereby realize I have to change and be willing to be open and approachable if the opportunity arises to see, talk and hang out with these people again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in gossip towards another person that I believe I know ‘so well’ and speak from past memories of who I believed them to be ten years ago, while pretending to know ‘who they currently are’ as if I had an authority over them and have a say on their lives and ‘how they are’ which is not at all so.

Here I realize that what came through are all the judgments that I’ve kept towards that person as a series of reasons and justifications of why I decided to not talk to that person again, wherein I made up a belief in my mind of ‘who they are’ and thus why we are no longer able to get along or talk to each other – this is limiting for myself because I am holding another captive in my mind based on past judgments, which means I am holding myself captive to my own judgments as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have any say about another person that I haven’t had any contact with in years, yet that I’ve held in the exact same position of ten years ago where I last interacted with them sufficiently to say ‘I know them’- when in fact, I currently do not know them, haven’t talked to them at all therefore have no say in ‘where they’re at’ in their life or ‘what they’re all about’ – which means that any judgments and opinions I shared with another person about this person is nothing else but gossip, assumptions, opinions and judgments which I would certainly not want any person to do onto myself, therefore I have to live my own principles and not dare to speak of another out of old memories, experiences and judgments that I’ve held towards another for so long and that I have to take responsibility for within myself, not share my own ‘backchat’ about them with others as ‘the truth of who they are’ which is definitely now who I want to be in conversation with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my opinions and judgments towards another individual because of believing that ‘I know that person so well’ that I am entirely correct in all of my assessments, and therefore it gives me this ‘authority’ to say what I have to say about the person – when in fact, it is actually really daring to say ‘I know someone’ in the totality of who they are even if they were part of my own family or a close relationship, because most of the times we really don’t know a person in their totality and therefore it doesn’t give us any ‘authority’ to speak about them or define them in a set of words that I’ve kept mostly as a reason, justification and excuse to not have to align my relationship towards that person in self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I am right’ in my words and assessment about that person because this is what I’ve told to myself for all of these years to justify keeping that person in a ‘cage’ in my own mind, which I have not even dared to open up and investigate for myself, what the truth and reality of my relationship with that person entailed in my life and the impacts it had  in general, where I do not only look at all the seemingly ‘bad’ but instead I can also now dare to see it and open it up to recognize the aspects that I could take form that person in my own life and benefit from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep the idea of a person in my head captive, judging them and loading them with ‘all the bad stuff and aspects I could think of’ in order to also make myself belief that ‘there is no value in another person because of all of that’ when in fact, I am the only one that is devaluing myself in keeping judgments like these about another person, even more so when not having kept in contact with them for such a long time which means, I don’t really know the person currently and I have no say in where they’re at in their lives currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an absolutist judge in my head towards people in my past where I ended off relationships because of only focusing on ‘all the bad aspects’ that I saw at the time in them and so in a way giving up ‘on them’ without realizing that I in fact gave up on myself and my ability to learn to see a person for who they are in their totality, with all the pros and cons and not ‘give up’ on someone based on only focusing on the  problems, conflicts or disagreements that we had during a relationship, but instead be willing to also see the supportive and constructive aspects of a person as well, instead of believing that because I am no longer in a relationship with them and haven’t seen them in such a long time, I have a right to diminish and judge them with all my past judgments that were also created and kept from the time where I got to be most radical in myself and very absolutist in nature as well, which in the end has only been a limitation in me to not approach them with clear eyes myself.

Therefore I realize that I’ve kept my own righteousness, absolutism and judgmental perspectives upon people after all of this time based on ideas, beliefs or perceptions that I certainly see do not honor them as beings, nor does it all honor myself as the holder of all of that backchat as opinions, judgments, beliefs about ‘who others are’ which actually do not define them, but define myself as I am the creator and holder of such judgments ‘towards others.’

I hereby commit myself to stop holding others as hostages of the past in my own mind – including myself as well – wherein I have to remind myself that I can only be holding myself captive by those judgments wherein I am the one creating a barrier to not interact with these people anymore or believe that I would not dare to talk to them again, all of it based on memories, ideas, prejudices of the past which would mean I haven’t really self-forgiven and let go my relationships with them ‘back then.’

Therefore I have to give myself the opportunity to start from scratch and let go of the notion of having ‘a say’ about anyone of my past, and instead dare to get to know who they currently are, what they are about, how they are currently doing in their life and open up a door for me to also transcend a lot of my judgments of the past and within that, transcend the ‘judgmental me’ that I’ve kept with righteousness for so long within myself.

I also here commit to stop holding myself captive in ‘who I was’ in the past and therefore who I was in interactions with others in the past, so that if and when anyone speaks about another person that I used to be related with a long time ago, I can genuinely say that I sincerely not know where they’re at right now or how they are doing and I cannot really say I ‘know them so well’ either, because I only interacted them such a long time ago that it is not a fresh perspective that I can have any authority to share with another – and even if I had any current interaction with another, I genuinely have no say in defining another person with a few words in their totality either.  I can instead share a general experience of how I interacted with that person ‘back in the day’ while clarifying  that this is how it was before, that this defines me and my experience only, so this is only memory and perception based and has no validity to define who the person actually is.

By sharing these past experiences and emphasizing on how they were ‘experiences of the past that don’t define the person currently, nor myself’ I can also possibly assist others in learning to see for themselves how we tend to hold others captive in our minds based on a conflict or disagreement that happened in the past, which ultimately diminishes our ability to transcend our own limitations as judgments, perceptions, opinions and beliefs about ourselves and others.

So, I will walk as well a personal process in opening up more in relation to this person in my life because it is for a reason that they keep ‘coming up’ in my awareness and it might just be because I have kept them ‘in a cage’ in my mind, loading the idea of that person with opinions, judgments and perceptions that I sincerely had not actually realized I was doing, because of being completely believing that ‘I was right’ about my perceptions on that person and in essence, containing myself in a relationship with them of avoidance, of judgment, of holding a grudge and perceiving that ‘they were a mistake of my past’ which is part of what I have to deconstruct for myself for sure and so set myself free and set the idea I have of this and many others in my life ‘free’ in my mind, and standing one and equal to who they really are.

Thanks for reading.

 

 Captivity


519. From Fear of Speaking up to Doing So

Or how to realize that those things that we fear the most and prevent doing in our lives hold a key to our self-honesty and self-creation

One of the things that I feared doing was speaking up to people that I had been in a relationship with and I feared doing it because of fearing losing the person – and guess what would happen? I would end up ‘losing the person’ as in ‘losing the relationship’ because of not directing myself to be honest with the person and expose, explain what I would see was going on within them, within myself and so within the relationship – I kept quiet instead and that became a great source of regret for me in the past, because over the years I realized how harmful it was to be aware of what others were doing to themselves – and within it, what I was also accepting and allowing within myself – and not stand up for what makes sense to address in order to change, to become people with integrity and self-respect.

Therefore one of the things that I committed myself to do in ‘the next’ partnership was to speak up, and put aside the fears of doing so and for once and for all step out of that particular fear. Well, I have to say that I did live up to this and didn’t do it that well at first – at times I would still speak up with emotions, at times I would speak up plainly about things I was assuming and not cross-referencing with reality facts, sometimes I was also too lenient to finally speak up, however I eventually learned to first stabilize my reactions, work with them in self-responsibility so that then I could remove all form of blame towards another and simply speak up what I was aware of and cross-reference it, open it up to see if what I was seeing was in fact so or not.

With practice and fine tuning within myself, I did manage to speak up in a relative stable yet direct manner, with a certainty within myself that even if that very moment of speaking up challenged the whole relationship, I still decided to do it, because I reminded myself of how I had compromised myself before in similar situations. I knew that I had to speak up now or remain living in a point of self-compromise and eventual regret. I chose self-honesty and yes, it’s not nice, not pretty, not satisfying for my mind and self-interest – but is exactly what I had to do when deciding to stand as the life that I am learning to respect in myself and others.

What I’m learning and corroborating is that we have to actually challenge those fears and walk through what we would fear saying or doing because of fearing unleashing a ‘worst case scenario’ or what at times one would like to perceive as a ‘nightmare’– but I knew that if I compromised again in not speaking up ‘this time around’ and actually contribute to create a point of change that can assist myself and another to realize ‘what we are doing to ourselves’, I would have thrown to the trash all of these years of preparing and telling myself that ‘I should have spoken up’ in the past, and that ‘I would speak up next time’. This time around, I have been able to ‘pull up m pants’ as they say – even if I wear none, lol – and stand on my self-honesty.

This is something that I can remind myself of every day and be clear within me of where I stand, what I accept and allow in my life and also, allowing myself to let go of my self-interest – manifested as ‘fears’ – and instead contribute to do what is best for us all when facing consequences for our actions, which I consider is the only possible genuine way to learn more about the ways we have compromised our lives and that of others.

This is what’s commonly known as ‘tough love’ and I have definitely been too lenient at times, too ‘supportive’ to a point where it’s not really assisting the other person to walk on their own, too protective at times when trying to prevent someone from walking over their own creation, too ‘considerate’ when trying to ‘save’ another from themselves and this I’ve proven to not be the best way to approach the notion of ‘support’ – instead, with time I realized that even if we have to walk through our ‘biggest fears’,  deciding to live my self-honesty is something I can live with, regardless of the tantrums I might attempt to throw in my mind.  By doing what’s common sensical to do = what’s best for all involved, I can stand at the ‘end of time’ and see that it was what was needed for a situation to actually improve, for ourselves to actually wake up from our mind-slumber and learn and understand what it means to be creators of our lives in their totality.  

Sometimes it can be sad when we have to walk through our own created consequences and some might be harsh ones that ultimately are the only ways I’ve seen can assist us to dismantle our dishonesties, our lies, our points of compromise, our points of dishonesty – while also knowing that with sufficient self-work assist oneself to stand up from it all and develop some real integrity and self-support, learn from it and stand up strengthened.  This is the one point that I’ll continue to work on because there is still a sense of ‘sadness’ that comes with having to face consequences, after seeing the potentials for the best – but again I repeat to myself: potential is everywhere, in each one of us, and yes we can foresee and project magnificent outcomes for each one of us ‘as a potential,’ but working to create it individually, for ourselves – not for another, not for ‘something’ separate from ourselves – is the actual challenge and the real test of where we stand in our lives, as individuals, as self-creators.

In the end it’s also about realizing that sometimes consequences are our best teacher and walking through them with integrity, self-responsibility and humbleness is the best way to then give the next steps in our lives, by learning from our mistakes, our choices, our decisions and prevent future similar situations, and that’s something we can only do for ourselves individually and keep walking the journey to life, waking up with and going to bed every day with the only person that we have the power to genuinely change in all aspects we see is needed: ourselves.

This means that speaking up ‘towards another’ is not the real point here, but this is in fact an outflow of being able to stand up within myself first and speaking up to my own mind and strengthen my own self-honesty and I consider this is the exact path to honoring our lives, even if it seems ‘fearful’ to our minds: we have the ability to transcend and work through those fears to then at some point in time be able to look back and thank ourselves for standing in self-integrity and self-honesty.

Thanks for reading

 

Suggested Interviews for further support:


  1. Compromising for Love (Part 1) – Relationship Success Support


  2. Compromising for Love (Part 2) – Relationship Success Support

 

watch your mouth

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


507. From V-Day to U-Day

 

I read the following quote by Sunette Spies today and I see it as a very important message for all of us to consider in days like today where Valentine’s day has been for many – including myself in the past – a cause of anger, sadness or despair for not being in a relationship, which is definitely not necessary since we all have the ability to redefine how these global-celebrations are lived by each one of us so, here’s her quote:

Yes, today is Valentine’s Day – the 14th of February – globally. I reflected on this day, even with being in a relationship. Looking at the symbolism of the letter V, inspiring me to do this post and also a video soon to come!!! The following opened up for me:

Transforming V to U – V-Day to U-Day. What does this mean?
Even if you are in a relationship – you are still an individual….This is something many forget, neglect, don’t consider or simply haven’t looked at. Being an individual means YOU as who you are as an individual person choose, and every day essentially chooses to share yourself, grow, commit, learn, enjoy, built, create etc. a relationship and / or life with another. In this process, it becomes 1 + 1 = 2: one individual + one individual = a relationship. A trinity is formed. Two INDIVIDUALS creating a relationship.

eVery day should be V-Day and / or U-Day!!! We redefine then the ONE Valentine’s Day we GLOBALLY SHARE as a GLOBAL CELEBRATION of oneself as individual and / or one’s relationship with one’s partner as I do know there is also family days, friends days etc. that are globally celebrated.
YOU CAN OWN VALENTINES DAY!!! In a way of defining and celebrating it for yourself as you see fit – rather than in any way being emotional, judgmental, allowing yourself to go into comparison of others etc.

My message to all this day is: OWN THIS DAY!!! Define and celebrate it in a way that SUPPORTS and EMPOWERS you as a person and how you live. In the end, what will matter the most is your integrity, love, care, consideration and regard as a person towards yourself and others…

MUCH more to come in videos soon to be posted! Enjoy yourself this day as much as any other day…you are ALWAYS WITH YOU!!!” – Sunette Spies

 

Based on this, I’d like to share on the importance of this self-relationship because many times we come to accept and allow the belief that our happiness depends on being with another in a relationship, and sometimes we might even get to live out that type of experiences only to in the end see that without the person, we are still with ourselves and no matter if we are in a relationship or not, what remains is self, here, that we continue to live as and with.

I know, it sounds almost ‘weird’ to say that the first relationship we should establish in self-agreement is with ourselves and that means precisely walking this process from consciousness to self-awareness, self honesty and self-support, having ourselves as our starting point, reason or motivation for it.

Through walking this process for myself, and over time and through the various relationships I’ve had with partners, friends, colleagues, one thing is certain: change and I have been there before in my life where ‘the end of a relationship’ would mean ‘the end of my world’ for some time and it was usually very hard to step back on my own two feet, precisely because I was not focusing on first creating a relationship with myself, in essence living for myself, appreciating me, enjoying me, supporting me first and foremost.

I had mostly lived out a pattern of ‘being there for another’ and through that ‘completing myself’ which is definitely not sustainable, it was not healthy for myself or for another because that’s how dependency is created in relationships. I learned this the hard way, but through walking the Agreements: Redefining Relationships Course while I was alone or without a partner in my life, it assisted me to ground myself in understanding how no matter if I was alone or in a relationship, the focus of support was still on myself. It assisted me to precisely understand what this Self-Relationship is and throughout the whole course I got to see how a relationship is in fact a sum of 2 people, not ‘me completing another’ or me being ‘fulfilled’ by another, I got to see how no relationship that is supportive can last when one is not existing in that self-agreement to support ourselves first.

And this is how the word agreement is used as a way to define relationships where one person in self-agreement, in their own self-relationship can walk with another in the same self-agreement and self-relationship to then stand together and create this agreement of two individuals, a redefined-relationship in fact.

In doing this, one is also better equipped for whichever outcome is in a relationship, no matter the hardships, obstacles, starting overs or break ups. For example, if the relationship ends, sure there is the whole process of having to part ways and get used to being alone again – however this is a much ‘smoother’ process as well when one has a cemented relationship with oneself in self-support and self-honesty, wherein in that self-support and self-agreement one has lived within a relationship, no matter if the other person is no longer there, what one does for oneself as self-support doesn’t change, what one has grown and learned from the relationship remains there as oneself, how one has assisted and supported oneself in practical terms in one’s life and at an emotional level doesn’t change if the other person is no longer there.

Of course there are changes in terms of activities done by both in a relationship and any other practical arrangements in day to day living, but those changes are also able to be faced with more stability, strength and determination when one has already realized that, as Sunette explains, no matter if one is in a relationship or not, we are always with ourselves and that is something that is very cool to understand in the depth that it implies, because then we don’t depend on something or someone else for us to develop ourselves, to grow as people, to change the ways that we know we have to adjust in ourselves, to develop a genuine care for our bodies, our mind and so our lives and plans in it. It is always up to us, regardless of being in a relationship or not.

It’s interesting how we’ve come to accept a notion of ‘void’ or ‘lack’ if one is not in a relationship and allowing it to be a part of self-definition that is usually seen as a ‘lesser value’ or ‘in the waiting for it’ – when the fact is that in doing so, we are suppressing or not looking at the relationship that is by far the most important one in our lives: with ourselves, because no matter ‘where’ we are or with ‘who’ we are, we are always with ourselves and it is ourselves that we will genuinely ‘be with’ for the rest of our lives, which is great as well to realize ‘no matter what’ I always got me, my support, my words to live and my life to continue expanding on.

So, I can wholeheartedly recommend assisting oneself through the Agreements Course, specially if you can identify with what I mentioned earlier as the ‘who I was’ previously in relationships where I would literally lose my ground whenever I had to end a relationship and I’ve found out that this doesn’t have to be that way, one can decide to not give into those patterns and instead strengthen and rekindle – if you will – the relationship to oneself, because it is quite liberating at the same time for oneself and for others to not make ourselves dependent on others to live in self-fulfillment, in self-enjoyment and self-support, wherein we can decide to look at life through the eyes of owning our creation, owning our time of the day every day.

Therefore it is up to us then to instead of going into reactions like sadness or fatalism for being or not being in a relationship ‘with another’, I’d rather say: focus on the relationship with yourself because it’s with you that You’ll live with for the rest of your life, it’s your body, your mind the one that you’ll have to ‘stand through’ and with until your last breath and if we haven’t given to ourselves that actual love, care, consideration, support and enjoyment of who we are as a person, as an individual, alone,  then how can we expect any other person to ‘give it to us’? That’s how love turns to hate which Is what I have explained in a previous blog if you want to check it out.

I suggest embracing yourself and realizing how we are not really ‘alone’ as we are always with ourselves – and at the same time it is also up to us to expand our definition of relationships to others in a supportive manner, expanding this self-agreement in our relationship with any other person is certainly a suggestion here as well, so that no matter ‘what’ goes on in our lives and paths, we always have our ourselves as our own ground, our starting point of self-support, our own self-care and self-love, and in turn be able to give it to others as a genuine expression of ourselves, not as a ‘need’ or ‘lack’ or ‘convenience’ of sorts.

That’s definitely the kind of human beings I’d like us all to be, to be able to stand alone and be self-caring, self-fulfilled individuals that can join paths to create something of support together for ourselves and for others  – yet can function as units or ‘stand alones’ in an equally supportive manner. That’s the real equality equation of 1+1=2 and that’s what I want to continue practicing being and standing as in my life and with others in my life.

Thanks for reading,

Enjoy

 

Artwork001 color 2

 

Join us in our process of Individuals standing as Equals as LIFE


499. From Captivity to Creating the Space to Grow

Or how to create relationships as safe and supportive spaces to change and outgrow the past as individuals

 

I’ve been noticing how it is that we create our own entrapment as definitions toward one another wherein we don’t actively consider the ability for another person to change from ‘who they were’ and ‘who they are now’ and so, in a way through our interactions with each other one can create expectations about how another person ‘usually reacts’ or ‘usually responds’ to something and in this assumption, we are shutting the door to change, to enabling the other person to in fact ‘step out of character’ as their usual programming and apply themselves in their own self-change.

It’s quite a sabotaging situation really and I’ve faced both ends in my relationship with my partner where I’ve been in the position of condemning him already for something that I expect he’s done or not done or experiencing, expecting a ‘usual’ pattern that I had noticed in him – or worse! That I had assumed he was experiencing or reacting to, but wasn’t so at all – and at the same time, I’ve also now contributed to creating certain conditionings from him towards me based on initial reactions I would have to particular type of conversations to a point where then he doesn’t share about such things anymore, based on how I would usually go a whiney-reaction. Here I had to understand that I did it to myself and I caused it on another, while also reminding him that he can also assist me in letting go of that perception or anticipation and rather assist me in sharing the same points again so that I can test myself around those points.

So in this type of situations of course it takes one in a couple or in a group of people to stand up and take responsibility for acknowledging and witnessing these limiting play outs. This is precisely one of those aspects that are very important for us people walking this process from consciousness to awareness to take the lead in being the ones that step out of the ‘usual flow’ of such situations and can point out the assumptions, the limitations and the conditional expressions that are going on in both or all ways and explain them so that it becomes a supportive feedback to realize the limitation and so create a new agreement of how to approach these situations so that both or more can be supportive about it.

This is what I did recently with my partner after I noticed how I was being precisely in these two ends of the pattern, within the assumption or expecting of another to ‘do the same and not change’ while also having the other person assume that I would react to the same and so preventing it by not sharing it.

I opened this up not within a reaction or making out of it an accusatory point or blame or victimization- no, it was a simple moment of sharing what I was seeing had been happening all along with my partner, how I have in fact limited him based on the initial reactions I would see he would had towards certain things or ‘states of mind’ that I believed I could learn to ‘read’ in him, but! I would not ask directly to him, I mostly usually assumed them – or would get too inquisitive to the point that it would become too analyzing and over-patronizing from me towards him whenever I would perceive certain ‘attitudes’ or expressions, which I had to acknowledge was my own paranoia created toward him that in fact is limiting towards both of us, because it’s me existing as the expectation or even ‘fear’ of him not changing or doing the same over and over again as an experience or ‘state of mind’ within him, which now that I’ve been rather cross-referencing with him and asking directly without any whiney-tones or over-analyzing nature.

I’ve realized how I had been assuming a LOT about him,  just because I was still expecting a particular ‘attitude’ as a constant demonstration of him being at ease or calm etc. based on how I demonstrate such comfort in myself, forgetting that not everyone will ‘express it’ the same way.  Yet I’ve found that he obviously has his very own ways of being quite stable and in comfort within himself even if to me I assume he’s got a ‘straight face’ or could be ‘uncomfortable’ lol which is still indicating two things: one, that I am over-paranoid about ‘how he’s doing’ and at the same time I am expecting him to ‘become like me’ which won’t happen and should not happen in any way, because this is about him and his expression, his mind, his body, his process of awareness, etc.  I still can ask and find out that I am completely assuming something very different to what he is experiencing.

So what have I learned here? That I was over-assuming, I was creating a paranoia about ‘his states of being’ and at the same time, I was trapping him within my mind in the idea of him never changing, which is, to say the least very, very limited and quite unfair because I am holding my own previous judgments of previous moments, past times and impose them towards ‘who he is’ currently as if it is ‘still defining him’ because ‘that’s how he used to be.’

Well, this is the kind of not supportive approach towards another and here I commit myself to stop assuming and rather first Let Go of wanting to know all the time ‘how he’s doing’ because that’s actually me as expectation or rather as a ‘fear’ of ‘him not changing’ which should not exist in me either because I’ve seen how it’s not cool for me towards him nor the other way around to be holding each other captive in certain roles or characters. At the same time his process is definitely something that I don’t have to be ‘commanding’ on, we can comment and discuss stuff and get to certain understandings which is cool, but I absolutely see that I have to step down from my exigency towards him and stopping defining myself as ‘being very exigent’ towards others as well, because it becomes over-protective and this stiffness and rigidity in my stance toward another.

Here acknowledging self-responsibility for myself means I have to focus on myself and where I can acknowledge my own mistakes and control-freakism in this case and explain the patterns, acknowledge them and own them myself, which is what I’ve done towards him and explaining how I noticed this ‘trap’ that I was imposing onto him expecting ‘the worst’ when in fact this was created based on memories only and not really ‘here’ as who he is currently and the points he’s working on himself.

Therefore, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold another captive in a particular character and experience of their past or how I created a usual perception of who they were when first getting to know them, wherein I still tend to want to check ‘where he is’ currently and ‘how he is experiencing himself’ as an attempt to cross reference ‘how he is changing or not’ but this is my own paranoia and it doesn’t support him either at all, while at the same time I have to completely ‘let go’ of wanting to have any impact on him and his life for the better, because this is not about ‘me wanting to achieve results upon him,’ but entirely about him and what he decides to do or not do for himself and in his life.

Therefore I have to let go of wanting to ‘know’ or ‘check him’ in that way, because placing myself in his shoes, I would not like to be treated that way either.

And at the same time I also explained to him how I have definitely caused him to now not talk about certain things based on my reactions towards that in the past. So I explained that yes, that was me in the past and I have considered and looked at the points that I have to change within myself so that he can also please assist me in continuing to open up those same points I would ‘react’ to in the past and test myself out this time around. Because! I explained that in doing so, it’s a way to assist myself in now embracing those topics, questions, aspects he brings up and watch out for my attempts to react to it, because then I would be the one creating ‘cycles’ within me toward him and vice-versa. And I also explained how I consider this is how partnership relationships become conflictive and stifled in lacking communication over time where one holds a grudge toward the other and vice-versa eventually basing the entire current-moment that is being lived conditioned to the past, to ‘who we were’ and that’s absolutely not cool, not giving any room to grow ourselves as individuals and so in the relationship.

Here, I also have become aware of how in partnership relationships, if both people ‘stick to their egos’ in the form of pride or righteousness as in believing that ‘the other person is always wrong and I am always right’ that’s the most toxic stance that creates a maiming, a stifling and stagnation in any potential growth individually or as a couple, because if we hold each other captive to ‘who we were’ or how we have come to know another ‘usually reacts to this/that’ then, we are already expecting the person to not change, to ‘remain in character’ instead of rather in those moments, stopping our assumptions, stopping our ‘expected outcomes as usual’ and give ourselves that space to grow,  that moment to breathe and settle into our potential as that chance, that opportunity for us to change, to do things differently this time around.

That’s exactly what I’ll be focusing on and applying specifically towards my partner and remind myself that it’s not up to me how he goes walking his own process of self-change, but entirely about him and his responsibility. I can only stand as an equal to him that can be a point of support, of reference of direct assistance if needed but all of this has to be done unconditionally, not regurgitating assumptions based on memories, based on the past.

What does it take to do this? It takes letting go of that tendency to want to be ‘in control’ of something and instead give space for another to breathe, to play with their own realizations and situations which has actually worked much better in other aspects where I’ve been directly not pointing out ‘all that I believe he must change’ but more have allowed him to go noticing certain things over time, and this again that I just shared is still coming from my idea, belief or perception that I am ‘more aware’ than him, but in any case whether it is so or not, I have to completely let go of a ‘knowing’ and instead simply work with what is here, in the moment, being and committing myself to be the one that stands up to ‘stop the back and forth limitations’, to remind ourselves of having to step out of these cycles of expectations and assumptions based on ‘who we were in the past’ and rather assist each other to test ourselves, who we are in every moment without expectation, without holding on to grudges which yes it is another toxic aspect in relationships where we haven’t allowed ourselves to forgive ourselves and each other for some kind of conflict in the past.

This then ensures that we can acknowledge the patterns being played out and get to our personal responsibility about them and remind ourselves/each other of it, yet it’s all up to us individually to change it, yet together in the relationship.

I therefore will continue working on becoming flexible but more so giving that space, to not ‘asphyxiate’ others when it comes to ‘pushing them to change’ in one way or another, because that is definitely not how this process works and I instead have to focus on letting go of my tendency to control and be ‘on top of all things’ as in a superiority actually fueled by fear wherein I have to be considerate of another’s process and me not wanting to ‘push’ anything, but only be an example without any hidden agenda either, otherwise I’d compromise my own self movement to do it to ‘show him’ or ‘show others’ and that’s not the point either, lol –

It’s fascinating how this whole process is really about a constant assessment of finding the equilibrium in one’s participation with others and in our lives, not going into extremes out of reactions but live words that are supportive according to the situations we’re facing, test them out and see what the outcomes are, to from that continue rearranging, re-assessing, fine-tuning and testing again… it’s a constant thing to do but a very cool one because it is about asserting our own authority as authors of our lives, of deciding to actively fine tune things that we would have normally lived out in ‘auto-pilot’ mode and this way we can challenge and so change the ‘usual ways’ that relationships had existed in this world and now turn them into ‘safe spaces’ with one another in personal agreements to commit to self-change while continuously having someone else that gets to know us very well – and vice versa – that can assist us when one is going into ‘the same old reactions’ while at the same time not being controlling or overbearing in ‘pointing all the wrong things out’ – it’s a fine balance, but with prudence it can be done.

It can be a bit complex to explain and generalize this because it all depends on each situation, but I am confident that we all can find that ‘equilibrium’ spot in our relationships which will be understood and realized and we’ll become aware of being ‘at it’ because we won’t have any conflict towards our partner or another in our minds, it will involve an immediate humbleness and consideration towards another and their life, their process, while being able to provide feedback while at the same time letting go of any ‘expected result’ out of it, and that’s how it goes. It’s like an in breath and out breath in those situations and all it takes in my case is to let go of my ego that wants to ‘control it all’ and ‘overbearing’ which I have to first apply to myself in order to not recreate these very patterns again, and that’s how I can bring the point first back to myself instead of focusing ‘on another’ or ‘another’s process’ – while also making others aware of not doing the same towards us, but be a point of support that can assist each other in facing those ‘usual points we react to’ and bringing them up again, and again, and again until we can be clear and stand through it.

Thanks for reading

 

Libera las Ataduras

 

Join us in our process of Self-Awareness as LIFE


497. From Displacement to Integration

Or how to curb an insta-reaction of feeling overshadowed by someone else’s presence and turn it into a moment of sharing the moment.

I’ve become aware of reactions within myself wherein I don’t necessarily think about things but it all happens in a quantum moment – meaning instantaneously – upon witnessing a change in my immediate environment related to people around me and the context I am in, wherein I’ve accessed a physical-reaction of discomfort, a tension that ‘takes over’ in a moment which I’ve identified as a comparison, a ‘value assessment’ in a very peculiar context that actually says a lot about an aspect of myself that I’ve been seeing more and more clearly these days.

It all started when frequently going to a particular shop where over time, I’ve developed a cool relationship with the people in it, the women that attend the shop are very kind and open and I’ve also walked my process to get past initial prejudices and start getting to know them a bit more. So, usually when I’m there I’m quite comfortable, yet I have also ‘enjoyed’ the fact that I would not usually find more people in the shop and be alone having essentially all the attention to ‘me’ mostly.

But one day as I was looking at the products, I heard someone else coming in and it was another woman and I frankly did not even look at the person, but in that moment just by being aware of the presence of someone else and seeing the equally affable stance and amicability that the ladies attending the shop were sharing with this newcomer customer led me to experience an immediate and insta-displacement of ‘my position’  – lol – that I apparently had before the other lady came in and how it came to a  ‘low’ when they were busy with the new customer now, which of course makes absolute sense here and I rationalized it as such but, this was after I had already gone into that initial physical reaction about it.

Then I glimpsed at the other lady and there was this insta-comparison going on as in me being ‘inferior’ based on looks to that other woman and in that then a very, very subtle experience in me again of wanting to ‘swipe aside’ my actual reaction came up.

Now I’ve just described the physical events as they took place but at the same time of all of this, I didn’t have thoughts in my conscious mind as in ‘oh no a new customer is here’ nope, not at all. What I’m describing as a reaction was at a very physical level which means it became a subtle stiffness and rigidity in my head area, also avoiding to ‘look at the person’ as in not wanting to immediately appear that I am ‘acknowledging’ her, which was already done by me going through this ‘assessment’ that in a way I was being ‘displaced’ or had ‘my space, my position invaded’ by someone else – lol ! – and at the same time I experienced a subtle ‘sinking’ in myself which is how I’d define the inferiority point towards the other lady just through listening to the equally affable and amicable interactions she was also having with the shop assistants.

I was aware of all of this experience going on in me and I did make it a point to practice the word Embrace as in embracing the new person in the environment, realizing that the ladies attending there are not ‘exclusive’ for me and that I essentially had to step down of my notion of special-customer and superiority in it, which is quite funny to point out in me but it shows a lot of what I actually tend to have as a constant presence throughout my entire life wherein I almost expect to be treated ‘royally’ by everyone else, with special regard and consideration. So if anyone could step in to ‘take that place’ in whichever situation, I’d feel ignored and so that ‘sinking feeling’ would emerge in myself, which is really another form of silent personality tantrum that comes as this physical-discomfort for a moment that I can identify as a form of constant elitism or superiority complex in relation to others, and in relation of how I expect to be treated by others which I’ll call ‘the royal syndrome’.

On the other hand, I’ve felt uplifted whenever I have received ‘special treatment’ anywhere, even when I know there are distinctive differences being made towards other people somehow in myself I feel very ‘right’ that someone could have this special regard or consideration toward myself, even when walking past males and some would gently ‘revere’ when passing next to me, those are all like ‘clicks’ as if it was an acknowledgement of my ego, in the sense of: ‘Ah! They do know who they are dealing with’ lolol

So that’s why as I had shared in some recent blogs, the idea of being ignored or being treated ‘equal to every other person’ still created a slight reaction in me, which doesn’t make sense at all! Because I am walking a process to precisely embody what it means to entirely live and consider all other beings as equal to myself which means no more and no less can exist as a judgment toward me or toward others.

However not to judge myself for it, I can change this with a constant diligence considering how embedded as an aspect of myself this has become and probably I can call it the ‘princess programming’ really because it deals with a sense of elitism and expecting a form of ‘special treatment’ or ‘reverence’ wherein if I don’t get that and I am genuinely treated like everyone else, there is a sense of being ignored, left out, ‘downgraded’ lol which only exists as a perception altogether in my own mind.

As for the situation with customers, it has happened various times and I have moved myself to practice that embracing In real time moments wherein I assess my reaction and behavior and move to integrate myself in the moment that is being shared between all of us; sometimes I join in their conversation which has led to cool openings several times, which is awesome and this I find I can do quite comfortably after I have processed my initial insta-‘shock’ of having someone else in the same space all of a sudden and triggering that initial ‘displacement’ perception, but it’s all in my head really, I have lived this for such a long time that it will take time and practice to be able to stop the whole pattern from triggering whenever I see the same reaction rearing its head. 

How I have played out this character in the past – before moving to integrate, embrace and see others as equals – I would not know how to ‘deal with’ my experience, would not be able to conceal it as it is something that would almost ‘take over me’ and that I can also see comes from family patterns on both sides, this desire to always be the shining star on one side and on the more ‘concealed self-importance’ side from the female where between women there’s this untold competition that I practically also have worked through in real time embracing of another, another’s expression, focusing on their eyes and not judging their expression, focusing on their words and what is being said instead of focusing on my mind and assessing all kinds of useless things.

In the past I would become very stiff on the upper area on my body which would translate into a very controlled, sometimes probably arrogant expression towards the other people and that was definitely not cool to do, because it is the usual pattern of masking inferiority with a sense of authoritarianism, control and fake-confidence which is the same that any tyrant tries to do whenever he/she sees their domain going ‘out of control,’ it’s all based on fear protecting a false premise of myself as either superior or inferior or ‘unequal’ to any other being, which is the delusion I have to practically stop at all levels within me, no matter how ‘subtle’ it may be.

Therefore, embracing others in such contexts means: I see them as equal as myself, I can integrate in their conversation if I see there is something I’d like to share or contribute or ask from them to learn about, which has turned into sharing practical tips and I’ve enjoyed that too. Here I have to assist myself to be able to ‘cut the chain’ from this whole character, and prevent myself having to go through that initial stiffness and tension from acknowledging others to simply directly living this word embrace and physically relaxing my body and then proceed to see if I can participate in the discussion or not.

Sometimes I simply ask them a question on what they’re buying and that’s then another way to prove to myself that whatever idea I had created about them is only in my head, because I usually find that we can talk and be open in that moment which is a healthy practice as well whenever possible; if their interaction is short or there’s no point I see I can interject with and integrate myself with, I simply practice breathing, being relaxed along the same space, me acknowledging them, giving them the equal right to be there in that moment, the equal right to be attended in an affable manner because it’s common sense! That’s what I like for myself so it is kind of delusional for me to attempt to curb that from others.

So, I’ll continue debunking this ‘attention grabber’ and ‘elitist treatment’ expectation that I’ve built within myself as a ‘normal’ way to interact with others, which is clear by all that I’ve shared here that it’s not really supportive for myself, nor for others, nor for my body and expression.

Therefore, here’s to debunking the ingrained seemingly ‘silent’ aspects of myself and getting more specific with my own application.

Thanks for reading

 Meddling

 

Join us in our process of Self-Awareness as LIFE


477. Physical Attraction

Or how to stop the objectification of ourselves as images to generate any form of mental experience.

 

A timely topic emerged today in a group discussion about physical attraction in relation to other people, how to face it, understand it and walk through it to a point of self-honesty.

So the basics are that yes, such reactions to a physical appearance as an image is a mind-stimulation based on preferences, in essence programming, that one has to essentially let go of and stop participating in to focus on who the being really is, the equality that such person is in fact in relation to us: another human being just like ourselves.

This indicates that whichever experience we have ‘about them’ is not really ‘about them,’ but entirely about ourselves and how we are judging, valuing and assessing a person through our minds with values, perspectives, preferences which is also a gift that we can use to see where and how we have separated ourselves from a particular person based on those values and judgments imposed onto the exterior appearance of our perfectly equal in substance physical bodies.

One point that emerged in the discussion shared by Matti that I had not considered is how this participation in physical attraction as in either desiring a person for ‘how they look’ or creating fantasies around them and oneself in a relationship or some other type of intimate interaction, is no different to watching porn, where one is essentially stimulating oneself in one’s mind based on an image, an idea, a set of pixels of a particular person that we then ‘possess’ ourselves with in our minds, diminishing that very real and physical human being into an object that we crave, desire and lust around as if ‘this being’ was meant to be a source of pleasure for us… obviously this is not common sensical.

It is in fact self-abusive to be diminishing each other as objects and a point I also reflected upon when discussing this with my partner is how many times I can get ‘offended’ if anyone would show such participation of ‘physical attraction’ towards me or anyone else, which I wasn’t directly taking back to myself and realizing how I was and have done the exact same thing upon people, creating ‘attractions’ and desires based on looks, no matter how ‘close’ that person is to me or how ‘far away’ they seemingly are – as in movie stars, musicians or regular people I can see walking on the streets = doesn’t matter ‘who’ we do it towards, really, what matters is how I have been co-participating in the reduction of an actual living human being – a being that is actually also myself as well – into a picture that I can abstract into my mind and ‘own’ or ‘fantasize’ about in order to create a particular seemingly ‘positive’ experience in me. This is definitely not at all the kind of relationships I want to stand by or create with people, not with the ones ‘close’ to me nor with anyone else.

So, just as my partner said how the ability to ‘get offended’ implies we are doing the exact same in some way in our lives, it then clicked to me that I have done that exact same thing, showing  ‘disgust’ for people that lust on others –specially males on females – yet, not seeing or wanting to accept that I have done the exact same thing towards males and have not questioned it at all, but seeing it as something ‘very normal’.

This proves again how whenever I see myself holding a judgment about someone and feel ‘righteous’ about it, I need to stop myself and open up that point for me, to see what am I missing out that exists in me, that I am actively participating on as well yet diminishing it, deceiving myself in thinking that ‘it is not that important’ to look at, dismissing the fact that it is most often than not these seemingly ‘little aspects’ of ourselves that hold the most patterns, tendencies and dishonesty in ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a convenience in seeing the abuse that happens in the form of physical attraction and the desire, fantasies and illusions that one can generate  with or about another’s ‘physical image’ for the sake of creating a ‘positive’ – or negative – energetic experience as something ‘normal’ or ‘common’  and never really equating it to it being the exact same mechanism as with watching porn or deliberately ‘lusting’ about another’s physical appearance or fixations at any level, because in doing so it is no different to reducing the image of a person as a trigger of a positive experience in me, which is in fact no different to how porn functions as well, reducing human physical bodies to a source of an energetic experience where we are not actually considering the beings, the people themselves, but only get fixated into one’s own pleasure and experience triggered by a picture in our minds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been offended whenever I became aware of a person denoting an attraction towards a physical body, specially males upon women or upon myself, where I would become enraged for being ‘objectified’ as a source of lust for another individual – though never really being self-honest in realizing how I have done the exact same thing about males in my mind, just ‘painting it’ with a brush of complacency, considering it is something innocent and not-harmful, when in fact this very participation in an energetic experience towards another person is me replicating the exact same mechanisms in which one of the biggest obsessions and addictions in this world function: porn, nothing else but translating an image into a source of addictions, fixations, seemingly ‘positive experiences’ where we go slowly but surely dislocating ourselves from our very own one and equal nature to those beings/people that we are using as a source of apparent ‘satisfaction’ at a mind level, because this can for sure never be a genuine source of ‘satisfaction’ to begin with.

Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to minimize my relationship to the image of other people as a form of ‘attraction’ as something ‘non-consequential, very small and controllable, not much of a big deal’ – instead of seeing directly how it accumulates and escalates to a point of obsessions, fixations and addictions based on a constant participation in the thought, fantasy or illusion experience ‘with the image’ of another person, which means I am not taking ‘them’ into consideration at all in that moment, but only the creation of a ‘good feeling’ within me that is entirely created by myself, in my own mind and has nothing to do with me considering them, as physical beings, as equals to myself which means by default, I should not be creating an energetic experience and relationship towards them, because that in itself already indicates that the whole starting point of who I am in relation to them is still completely filtered through the mind, through my preferences as likes and dislikes, through my own programming based on what I have been storing in my head as ‘ideas of beauty’ or ‘handsomeness’ based on the kind of pictures I used to see while growing up as a child, the kinds and types of people that ‘I grew a taste for’ and not questioning this programming for what it is, but allowing myself to actually play out on my desires and seek for ‘matches’ in this kind of relationship-scenarios that I also built as an ideal in my mind, not considering at all who the other person really is and what they are really all about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having taken a haughty position or superior position in believing that I was ‘better than’ others for not participating in watching porn for example, yet not really investigating and seeing or wanting to admit how I am participating in the exact same principle when taking someone’s physical body image and use it as a source of personal amusement, fantasy, ideals, desires and day dreaming that I had not  questioned because of diminishing it to something seemingly ‘not that important’ or ‘under control’ for me, that would seemingly ‘not harm anyone’ – but, over time and little by little, the only person that it affects is oneself when not being able to in fact ‘be in control’ of those experiences but instead be dominated by them which then takes a serious process of diligently dissecting and redirecting each experience, each fantasy, each ‘dream’ that we create in our minds related to that one image of a person, to see what of ourselves is trapped in this experience of desire towards another and so make a decision, who do I want to be in relation to that person?

In this I commit myself to honor myself by living the solution to end the objectification of ourselves as human beings and consequently of porn or any other source of stimulation based on images – this is by stopping doing this myself, no matter ‘who’ the person is that I have in my mind – or object or situation – I have to focus on physical reality, on what is here, tangibly, and I have to honor and respect fellow human beings by seeing them for who and what they are as equals, as fellow beings, fellow ‘me’s’ that I cannot reduce to being a source of personal entertainment, because I certainly would not like to be ‘that’ kind of infatuation or source of mental stimulation for another – therefore I have to be the one that stops it absolutely within myself, no matter ‘how small’ or how seemingly ‘innocent’ this process of fantasizing is about, the key is to let go entirely of all mental stimulation and instead, focus on getting to see the beings for what they are, who they are, getting to know and appreciate them for the substance that they are in themselves. This applies not only to people we might already be related to in one way or another, but also with strangers as well, to see beyond the immediate veils and always focus on what’s in the inside. That’s where the real ‘meat’ is in fact, not on the outside, not on the images, values and perceptions we can create about another’s image and presentation.

As an extra note, it speaks volumes of ourselves in the way that we decide to SEE others: do we decide to turn them into objects of our fascination and infatuation? Or do we decide to learn to see through the immediate picture and into them, into who they really are as beings, to see who they are in their words and how congruent that is with their actions. The same being applied back to ourselves of course, how much are we focusing on how we look, dress, how we want to ‘appear’ to others out there, because what we are and by the laws that we live by in our own being, we recreate out there in multiple forms and ways, therefore, hereby I make a decision to stop fixating on an external picture – no matter of who or what or at ‘what level’ – and focus on the substance that is in each being or expression that is here, in fact being one and equal with myself.

Thanks for reading.

 

Supportive material:

 

Live Drawing 2007

 

Learn how to Be Free of Fixations

 


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