Category Archives: school

110.The Mad judging the Crazy

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge people that are condemned as socially deranged and mentally disturbed as people that must be ‘put on fire’ as the ultimate punishment for committing acts of murder and/ or terrorism within a society that did not care to, in the first place, see how such a ‘killer mind’ is actually the product of a society wherein we have only conditioned ourselves to get indoctrinated to survive in a world where support is not unconditionally given – thus enslaving each other to only focus on money, having a successful living, aiming at ‘the best’ in the world while we cannot even understand how is it that there are thoughts in our head and why is it that we become emotional at any given moment, which reveals to what extent we have become survivalist robots that do not care at all to educate children to get to know themselves as their own mind first, because we had never even pondered that ‘ourselves’ as adults in this world.

 

Thus it is plain to see how anyone that commits acts of violence and abuse as the result of acting on their own thoughts is in essence, a byproduct of our own ignorance toward our own mind, while deliberately accepting statements such as ‘we can’t do anything to change the world,’ because that would imply actually having to take responsibility for all that we have done and perpetrated in absolute negligence and disregard of what we have accepted and allowed as the decisions we have made in the name of only our personal interest

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn from my parents how to judge people that would commit acts of violence such as murderers and terrorists wherein the faces of disgust and disturbance would mean that I had to equally become disgusted at another human being, just because they had done ‘something wrong’ yet never investigating why or how it is that such beings became ‘the villains’ in the story of our every day lie, not realizing that it is through these events that I learned how to fear those that ‘commit violent acts’ and only condemn them, without ever even pondering about their lives, if they had enough support to live as children, if they had been abused or not because that is never questioned by the media, hence not questioned by anyone that is mostly informed/indoctrinated by the media.

 

I realize that the moment that I learned to condemn the so-called ‘social-aberrations,’ I learned to separate myself from them as if they were some type of ‘thing’ that I had to simply be and become disgusted by, never questioning who am I in relation to them, what are they revealing of our nature – and this is primarily because we as children only accept from our parents whatever they say, do and even act like in every single moment. Thus we are directly shaped and molded according to morals that ensure blame is projected at all times toward others, but never pointed back to self in order to take responsibility for that which we have accepted and allowed to continue as the ‘breeding ground’ for humanity, which is clearly a world and society wherein life has never been regarded  at all, wherein words have been used to separate, value and condemn in separation of self, where money dictates who lives and who dies and accordingly, who is able to grow up in a supportive environment or not – which explains how is it that unless we equalize this world into a functional system and society based on equality, we’ll continue to see individuals committing acts of violence as a way to bring attention to the problems in this world, because they clearly see no other way to do it in a society wherein only as shocking as mass murdering people or bombing themselves can make it to the news, while the rest of the daily violence and abuse is only known and heard, but never spoken about because that would imply having to re-assess our humanity itself, without realizing that we have only complied to each other’s rules and regulations as our current governments which are the externalization of a self-interested mind that will create a sense of order on the surface, but never dare to really investigate the so-called ‘human nature’ that is clearly the massive excuse to not have to stop and re-assess our entire lives and world system.

 

Thus, I see and realize that it is actually ‘the mad’ judging ‘the crazy’ because the mad cannot even see how it is that we are living in a world wherein paper, metal and plastic cards along with a set of numbers can define who lives and who starves, a world wherein life is not even considered as equal in all beings but instead abused in the name of bullshit dreams of success and ‘wealth’ that is being massively induced as a drug that people eventually become addicted to, not being able to see to what extent one is able to go to achieve such ‘dream’ and at what cost our very own lives are diminished in the name of an apparent point of ‘power’ that has been made as such by the same belief-systems that parents are born into, later on passed on to the next generation which is how beliefs have been kept ‘alive,’ through institutionalizing lies as legit within the statement ‘but it’s always been this way/ but it’s always been like this/ things have never changed and never will, deal with it,’ which is clearly how we accept to be slaves to a system of ill gotten gains that promotes self-abuse as entertainment, that promotes irresponsibility as freedom and promotes hatred as an honorable action to conduct in the name of ‘pride.’

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  conform to the idea of people creating such a ‘mystery’ out of beings like serial killers, mass murders, bombers/ terrorists and generally mentally disrupted people, wherein ignorance lead me to simply accept it as some kind of ‘flaw’ in a human being’s mind, believing that a ‘crazy’ person was simply a ‘mal-functioning being’ that had no remedy and had to be locked up and never bee seen again in society, wherein I learned how to fear such places because of parents even making fun of sending me there with ‘the rest of the crazy people,’ without realizing how even the apparent subtle jokes create a point of fear toward beings that have clearly not been understood or even been investigated to the core to see how the majority is actually the product of  point of lack or abuse in a world system that should be able to provide and care for all beings equally.

 

Thus I realize that any perceived ‘mentally disturbed’ being as killers, bombers/ terrorists, mass murders and mentally deranged people are nothing but the result of our own fear to face ourselves as our own mind, the fear to realize to what extent a being can be damaged for an entire lifetime because of not having enough food on their table, a decent place to live, proper education, parents that provide actual care because no one has ever really had such points in alignment with a principle that is best for all, which is the reason why this world is ‘as is,’ as we have only cared to prepare ourselves to survive in this world, following the same mechanism transmitted from generation to generation without any form of progress, as the very cause of such stagnation and actual degeneration of humanity was not regarded, was not understood – and that is our own mind which we are now walking in detail within the Desteni I Process to learn how it is that we have become the ‘gods’ in our existence, giving ourselves instructions to kill, strive for a living and be willing to die for the ‘honor’ of those that sustain an empire that thrives upon the abuse of life.

 

I realize that in order to give ourselves a sense of living again, we must walk our entire mind in absolute detail and specificity as I see that it is only through walking our own mind that we can become specific in our own self-creative processes to establish a new ay of living and being and coexisting in this world based on Life in Equality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never see how whenever my parents would condemn another’s acts, they were trying to ‘show’ me what not to do and what not to be, yet never explaining why there was evil in this world but only managing to explain that people were ‘evil’ because of not having money – thus creating a fear toward people that had no money because of thinking and believing that they would all eventually go violent and try and rob/ kill me because of having ‘more money’ than them – this is an example of how when taking the ‘easy road out’ to explain a child the reason why acts of violence and ‘evil’ take place in society  leads to further fear when only giving an excuse such as ‘poverty’ for evil to exist, without explaining – or even being aware – how this is not a point to fear but to understand from the root cause and as such consider what we have to do in order to establish a solution. Yet, because parents and their parents had never been informed about ‘how the world works,’ the ‘best’ way to educate each other has been through fear, as fear ensures that one would not ‘even get close to’ anyone that would resemble being a stereotypical abusive/ violent person. Yet, what parents don’t realize is that kids grow up with curiosity to get to know ‘why/ how’ people eventually end up being mentally unstable/ disturbed based on the simple principle of being attracted/ fascinated by that which is only condemned and deliberately ostracized, which is how in an attempt to ‘understand’ the criminal minds, we end up making of other human beings a ‘mystery’ to understand as a form of entertainment, without even first realizing how such beings came to be within their world and reality as they are.

 

I see and realize that it is only in a culture of sensationalism that we can become obsessed with beings like serial killers, suicide bombers and mass murderers because of the taboo we’ve made of them, because of not really wanting to explain in the open the actual factors that leads to one being become possessed by their own backchat and commit any atrocities possible in order to make a statement that is a direct consequence of a society wherein life and children are being abused in the name of perpetuating  a system wherein the ever-abusive condition of ‘success’ is all that everyone is blinded with and by, never considering the counter effects that go on within a child that is absolutely incapable of ‘attaining’ or even worse ‘aspiring’ to get to such a position, as money determines who you are and will be for the rest of your life, never even pondering that there is another way to live and exist, which is that which is currently being condemned and crucified by a majority that is not willing to let go of the survival mode-living, because ‘it’s all we’ve ever known’ while having been indoctrinated to protect such self interest at all cost, and oppose anything that would propose such well being to all begins equally, as mind control is so great that Equality as Life is not even able to be conceived by the regular human being mind.

This is the example of the extent of our individual brainwashing that has taken place for all time as humanity.

 

We have instructed ourselves to be and become the very judges and executers in a reality wherein money as power and success is revered and praised, ignoring the obvious abuse that enables such fallacy as ‘wealth’ in the world, a society wherein ‘killers, robbers and murderers’ are also characters learned from generation to generation as an apparent ‘easy way’ to ‘cope’ with a reality that is not supporting all beings equally, which should already place an alarm as to what we condemn and the reasons for such people to commit ‘crimes against life’ while only trying to make living, and what we revere and praise as wealth and fame which can only exist upon the abuse of life and beings in order to sustain such airy-fairy heaven that is clearly only running with the resources and labor force of the flesh of the Earth.

 

I commit myself to walk my own patterns of dissociation toward everything that I learned how to ‘condemn’ and at the same, what to praise, what to seek, what to regard as sacred, what to regard as ‘dangerous,’ what to regard as ‘a dream to come true,’ which are all points that I blindly followed as ‘what life is all about,’ keeping myself from side to side fearing to fall in the perceived ‘bad/negative side’ and striving to maintain myself at all times in the ‘good/ positive side of reality.’ Within this

 

I commit myself to expose how it is that we the children become the patterns of fear and limitation, of fanaticism and obsession that exist within the parents, wherein we as children only learn how to adopt such ways because ‘our parents know better,’ only to later on create a massive disappointment when realizing that our parents lied and that they were actually instilling fear within us, which is why kids go into a massive point of shock and inner struggle to cope with the lies that had been taught for years through childhood, and walking them out while living in ‘the real deal’ of a savage reality wherein there are no considerations and/or special regard for beings, as it is just a dog eat dog world wherein everyone is then pushed to follow the ‘rough ways’ of making a living, learning how to deceive, cheat, steal and/or lick someone’s boots in order to be and become ‘successful’ as the ultimate stardom dream that is impulsed by the media that we grow up educating ourselves with.

 

I commit myself to establish a complete new standard of parental education wherein every parent will not be able to even dare to speak about ‘becoming a parent’ without having gone through extensive support and training that can be proven to be reliable enough to bring another kid into this world – within this realizing and considering that we have to being such training with our contemporaries and the new kids as the future parents in this world, as it is through a life-long education base on life in equality that such ‘rigorous measures’ won’t have to exist any longer, as such measures are only a emergency plan to deal with ourselves the spawn of the last drop of preprogrammed beings that were essentially existing only to fuel a system of mind delusions and keep it in place in order to learn how we had to aim for such ‘wondrous world’ as ‘heaven’ while neglecting everything we had to do in order to attain that while on Earth, which means: abusing the earth because all we were looking at was the satisfaction, reward and success obtained from it, but never really caring about the actual abuse that would go on in our pursuit of happiness.

 

I realize that unless we actually move to give ourselves proper direction in consideration of all life in Equality, nothing will move – thus we require to prepare ourselves as individuals as a world-wide team that will be able to provide support for as many beings as possible in order to actually walk a re-educational process that is already beginning with ourselves through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application wherein we get to face our acceptances and allowances as the decisions we have made in the name of our own mind-possession as the selfish interests we have fueled with the blood of the Earth.

 

I commit myself to expose how it is that fears are passed on from generation to generation to segregate and divide humanity to always remain controlled/ limited within a set of beliefs that ensure no one dares to question the current system and only accept it ‘as is,’ which is how when educating ourselves about how we function as humanity, how our reality exists as the result of our own self-created mind control which is what will cease to exist once that we realize that we are on the verge of obliterating everything and everyone on Earth if se do not Stop ‘the old familiar ways’ of indoctrinating children into fear and only instigating a sense of survival that is absolutely unacceptable, considering that we live in a world that has more than enough for beings to coexist in harmony – however because Greed is promoted as self-motivation we haven’t stopped the cycles that perpetuate the same system of abuse.

 

This means that I commit myself to expose the fear labels we have imposed onto one another as a way to never in fact investigate how is it that the so called ‘abject’ in reality is our own abdication of self-responsibility to educate each other in a way that is best for all, simply because what is best for all has Never in fact existed in this world and as such, we are the only ones that can take on this elemental task to de-mentalize a humanity subsumed in fear and shame for what we’ve become.

 

I commit myself to provide support for anyone that is willing to support themselves from the so called mentally unstable and deranged people that have been ostracized and stigmatized within a society that only labels in order to separate themselves from realizing ourselves as the actual cause and breeding-ground to all that is here as this world, which includes all the atrocities that go on on a daily basis as the result of mind possession, just because we haven’t learned how we operate as our own mind, just because we have abused our own physical body to seek for a dream that was imposed in order to keep an enslavement system in place.

The time has come to stop the abuse and madness in this world and to point back the finger at ourselves to realize how it is that we are in fact 100% responsible for everything that goes on in this world that is ourselves.

 

Demonology is specialized support for mind possessions through a process of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective application to take responsibility for the accumulation of violent thoughts in nature that have become a threat to the individual and society as a whole.

Self-responsibility is at all times the key-point for anyone willing to support themselves, to stop any form of possession that will take an actual consistent process that can only be walked with proper assistance and support available at the forum within Demonology and Desteni.

Support the Equal Money System to create a platform of support for all future parents in this world, to understand ourselves and take self-responsibility for our current creation as this world and as such, implement a new living reality on Earth wherein Life will be valued as Equal in all ways.

 

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this Ignorance is Perpetuated by Instructing Children that they Must Learn through their own experiences WITHOUT Realizing that these Experiences will be based on Inadequate training, and thus be Inadequate and that this Will Lead to Inadequate Realizations that Always Justify the Way the World of Ignorance functions, But  because the Characters Build by Parents were instructed to Protect their Ignorance no Matter what Real Practical Common Sense Instruction will be Ignored Unless it leads to Survival and thus Ways to Make Money as Money is Presented to Be the Road to Success for the Ignorant that Must in All Ways Be Protected, as Survival is the Ultimate Fear Parents Instructed, as the Foundation in their Children.”
Bernard Poolman*

 

 

Indispensable blogs to understand this point further:

 

Interviews for Vital Education:

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97. Words as Elitism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value the way words can be arranged to express as ‘more’ or ‘less’ than myself according to aesthetic values according to how many evocations do I get when reading words, wherein I became used to valuing words as ‘special’ and ‘unique’ according to the type of pictures and experiences I was able to create within myself when reading them, within this using words in self-interest only, seeking to satisfy a aesthetical aspect of communication wherein no living principle was existent, but only using words as a means to entertain myself and get a sense of pleasure from reading what I defined as ‘well-written expression,’ never ever considering how words themselves were already an imposition upon life and that with me creating an experience of language and the written word itself, I separated myself even further from the words as myself through creating experiences through words, wherein words then became the way for me to live through the words/ eyes of others as authors, just because I was not willing to live my own life and as such, becoming a book worm wherein I knew that I would not have to face the world and create relationships with other human beings, but create my own ‘living’ through reading stories to entertain myself with, forgetting about reality in its totality in a deliberate manner.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to praise literature as something ‘magnificent’ just because of the experiences I was able to obtain from words in my mind, without realizing that in no way has any book supported humanity to actually start taking into consideration how words themselves have been used as a means to distract ourselves from living, from realizing how we are the very creators of a world and reality wherein a minority is having the ability to Read words, to get education to be able to read and even more so, have money to later on buy books/ written words as a means of entertainment or so-called ‘education,’ without ever even caring to first ensure that every human being could have access to proper food, water, shelter and a dignified living – including education – and then focus on developing ‘culture’ such as books and all forms of entertainment and ‘education.’ Instead we simply made ourselves believe that we were in fact able to ‘evolve’ as species with our intellectual realms of books and science and culture within the elite reality of one third of the world only, while the rest as the 2/3 were deliberately ostracized and minimized into a reality of poverty and absolute lack, where a book would mean fuel for a fire due to lacking any proper services to live. Within this, realizing to what extent when being brought up in a particular cultural context within the world system of money, we do not even question how it is that ‘our culture’ is based on money and how the very use of words and appreciation thereof is an elitist activity that is in fact a smack on the face of those that have no money to live, which means they have no education to ‘indulge’ into the ‘joy of words’ that I would solace myself with as a means to only cult.ivate my own self interest of ‘culture’ and ‘intellectualism’ that I was aiming at becoming, remaining behind a bunch of pages for extended period of time just because of not wanting to actually get out into the world and dare to see the reality that we are busy destroying due to this extreme egotistical versions of ourselves wherein we do not give a damn about one another, but only seek to live the most comfortable hedonist lifestyle at the expense of those that must work as slaves for us to have such comfort.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deliberately praise people that would write in what I would define as a ‘gifted manner,’ without even questioning what the hell I was imprinting into myself through reading stories for my own pleasure and satisfaction, never realizing how these same words were being used to create laws and regulations that have denied the most basic human rights to living beings – within this never pondering how my apparent ‘love for words’ was in fact sheer self interest and self-indulgence within a small bubble of ‘human creativity’ that used words for mental masturbation, without seeing how the very system we live in is separated by god, the words we speak and as such we have attempted and tried to play god through sentencing ourselves in ways wherein some can have ‘the power’ over others, where only a minority can use words as way to sentence life or death through our constitutions, laws and policies that we have simply neglected to become aware of, simply because that would imply having to realize that we have all been equal participants in this world as it is, and that it is in our deliberate ignorance and disregard for politics as the judicial and legal systems as well as economics that we have instead opted for the ‘friendly’ use of words such as for books as literature, entertainment and even so-called education that was only directed to perpetuate the same ways of a system that has never valued life – hence words have only been used as a means to exert power and control over life, never ever supporting who we really are as an actual means to communicate and ensure living-conditions for one another, because words are also currency.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the parasitical side of the system wherein through and by me having money at this very moment makes me part of the evil of humanity that has rejoiced and even having the luxury of deciding in what ways I can use words to suit me, to make myself more ‘knowledgeable’ and ‘special,’ without even pondering if such ability is available for al as equal as one – and within this, not having realize how that which is simply ‘common’ for me such as having a computer to be able to type, having the education to be able to write and read, having had the luxury of knowing a second language in a written and spoken manner are all indicators that I have simply been part of the minority in a world that praises knowledge and information as ‘more than’ ourselves, wherein I myself also sought to be part of the ones that could praise each other according to ‘how well’ or how ‘articulate’ we could be, without ever really delving into the question: What are these words in fact implying upon reality? What am I really experiencing when and as I read words that are ‘well written’ according to the standards that I have trained myself to conceive? Is what matters really the way that words are written or is it what they are SAYING as an actual expression of self? Yet because all I knew was of myself being a mind that would enjoy emotional and feeling experiences, everything I could read that would stimulate this preference/ like would become part of my reality as an ‘acceptable’ and ‘higher form of entertainment,’ taking pride in the so-called culture we get from books, without realizing what is behind this very ability to ‘cultivate’ myself while others in the same world have no ability to read or write, nor even eat.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ever question the pleasure and enjoyment I get from reading words wherein it is not about the words themselves, but about who I am toward particular words that become particular characters that I am ‘fond of,’ which is a way that I would always indicate that I idolized a particular writer/ lyricist whose words I could use to create my own mind experiences as a means of entertainment, diverting myself from my own living reality and experience, and getting used to entertaining myself with words and words and words as a deliberate way to escape from the world behind pages, and having this as something ‘acceptable’ just because it is culturally praised to be a ‘book worm’ as someone ‘intellectual’ which is once again, placing more value onto knowledge and information that exists as a very tool of separation which is how words are currently existing in our reality.

 

When and as I see myself getting an experience of pleasure and satisfaction as a positive energy experience from reading words, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this can only be possible because I have money and I learned how to read, I had enough experiences – bought with money as well – that I could imprint as memories within me from where I could create a point of fulfillment and satisfaction that I then associated with particular words, to later on being able to read such words again to re-live that positive experience that I would get from words in separation of myself.

 

When and as I see myself praising knowledge and information in the form of books, intellectuals, written words that evoke a sense of fulfillment and perceiving them as ‘more’ than myself – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I had been easily drawn to expression in itself as a way to satisfy my ideals of perfection and ‘self improvement’ based on the ability and skills to use language as a way to make myself special or distinct, without even ever considering how this is just an elitist hobby that is in no way equally existent for all beings in this world.

 

Hence I commit myself to re-establish words as tools to create and direct ourselves in every moment as the expression of self-correction at the moment, wherein Words as Self-Forgiveness become the keys of ‘like cures like’ wherein if our words have been the very imposition toward our reality as a means to have ‘control’ and ‘power’ over it, we make of words our tools to give ourselves back to ourselves and equalize such words as who we really are as an expression of life, wherein no specialness and no discrimination is able to exist ever again by the same ‘power of words.’

 

I commit myself to become part of the people that will educate oneself and others to stand in an equal position of understanding words as ourselves, as I can then direct this that once was my ‘passion’ as words to equalize the understanding of myself as one and equal as who and what we really are as words that can reconstitute and for the first time establish a living principle on Earth in all ways, which is Equality as Life.

 

This thus implies that I walk my own process of Self-Creation as words that are able to be directed in a way that we can all equally convey our expression of oneness and equality through a process of first, walking our own mind as the realization of who and what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become through the separation of words as ourselves, to then walk the process of Self-Forgiveness, Self-Honesty, Self-Reflection and Self-Corrective Application in order to construct life as ourselves as the very words we decide to live and the words that we decide that we will no longer keep as they only stood as a form of separation from self here as one and equal.

 

I commit myself to establish the Equal Money System wherein education will be founded upon the principle of Life in Equality, wherein words become the primary tool to show and demonstrate our equality and oneness and the responsibility each one of us holds with how we use words, to ensure that we are all equal participants standing in equal understanding of how reality works, of how our minds works and how we sentence/ create ourselves as the very words we speak.

 

I commit myself to become aware of every single words that I write or say as a means to express the corrective process I am walking here and as such, ensure that I correct my expression into equalization as life in every moment of breath that I am able to give myself to practically become aware of who I am as every moment of expression here.

 

I commit myself to use words as a means to take responsibility for what I create as words and humble myself through walking a process of Self-Forgiveness for I see and realize what I have accepted and allowed myself to become through and as the very existence of words in separation of ourselves as life.

 

“I commit myself to SHOW that those Promoting Understanding of the MIND, have NO Clue how in Fact Functions – Step by Step – and that One Should Only Participate in any Process where you Will Become the ONE that Understands in Detail How you Created yourself in Every Way, as is Taught in the Desteni I Process.” – Bernard Poolman *

 

 

For more support to understand who and what we are as words, visit Desteni and the Desteni Forum

For specialized Self-Support visit the Desteni I Process website

 

 

Blogs:

 

Interviews:

Reptilians – Language: the Sceptre of Creation (Part 1) – Part 70
Reptilians – Language: the Sceptre of Creation (Part 2) – Part 71
The Soul of Money – How Illusion became Reality – Part 27

 


72. My Career Choice

I have been walking the last posts to see how Money influences our lives and decisions in life, wherein we can see and realize that whatever we thought we were doing as an actual decision by ourselves, was in fact a product of our social-conditioning accepted as ‘choices’ in life linked to ‘succeeding’ in the system in one way or another.

 

I’ll be walking my own career choice from the moment of how I believed myself to be ‘talented’ in doing artwork and how I built this belief within myself in order to make it ‘my profession/ career’ in an almost infatuated manner, without considering the actual practicality of it in terms of giving myself practical living directions to actually be able to live of it/ earn money of it within my life.

 

My choice of career was based on creating an ‘acceptable way’ of not wanting to participate in what I deemed as the entire ‘corrupt greedy system’ that we are living in. I dropped out of linguistics because I realized that career was going to simply make me a library person, an intellectual reading others words and dissecting them as valuable/ not valuable, and I wanted to be a ‘creator,’ a ‘creative’ person. But in the back of my head, all that I wanted was to create a lifestyle that was – apparently- ‘out of the ordinary’ which is how I deliberately created my personality as a profile of an ‘eccentric being,’ so that others could agree with me that: I had to be an artist.

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I don’t know what I’m doing here’ while being in classic literature class in linguistics and literature school, without realizing that I chose to study that career and was fully ‘into it’ before I had instigated within me the idea of ‘wanting to study art’ instead

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized while having to ‘endure’ the class that I am not genuinely interested in, while daydreaming about being ‘creating’ and going to ‘art school’ which was a ‘dream shut down’ for me at the moment, because of me not having been directive enough when choosing my career

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘there is no way I am going to spend 5 years listening to useless stuff’– without realizing that I am in that only considering that which ‘suits my preferences’ and ‘validates my personal taste’ to do and be whatever I want to be, without realizing that I belonged to a certain institution where curriculum is not able to be ‘picked.’ I realize that I judged the moment because of existing within an obsession to get to study art school and drop literature –thus I manipulated myself, the moment and all my actions to ‘make it visible’ that I didn’t really want to be there any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘my thing is to create and not regurgitate other’s words’ which is a statement of self-manipulation to reinforce my already lingering desire to stop the career and move to another one.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged and ‘discredited’ because of deciding to ‘drop out of school’ and fearing that this would be seen as a failure in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what others would have to say if I dropped out of literature school.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to even fear admitting this to myself because of how I didn’t want to continue ‘lying’ to myself about me being comfortable within the school, without realizing that it was actually me not being ‘comfortable’ within myself, and my life and that going to art school only represented another ‘way out of the system’ within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that which I had initially ‘adored’ as literature/ books/ reading in order to justify and validate my excuses to drop out of that school, validating preference as an actual ‘reason’ to drop out which is how I placed preference over common sense to validate my personality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge literature as ‘useless stuff’ without realizing that this judgment was coming from me wanting to convince myself to be doing the ‘right choice’ for dropping out of the literature career.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my ‘ideal career’ to the career I was studying (literature,) just so that I could continue validating my own desires to migrate to another point.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘my thing is to create and not regurgitate what others have created’ which is a statement made out of spitefulness toward that which I simply stopped liking, which is a usual mechanism to validate our point of view over our self-created reality and consequences, to make myself seem like a ‘winner’ and not a ‘loser that drops out’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare literature and art and placing the latter above the first one just because of wanting to validate my decision to ‘go to art school’ above literature, and justify the reason why I was dropping out of it, to not be seen like a ‘drop out’ but rather a ‘wise person that aligns her decisions and preferences in life.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to suit my decisions to seem like a ‘wise choice’ that makes me a ‘winner,’ instead of admitting that I have made a mistake and can allow myself to give me a second opportunity to re-align my decisions on life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge and criticize people that study literature as ‘library rats’ in a spiteful mode just to add on to the ongoing validations of why I don’t want to continue studying literature.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to project myself into a self-created ‘gloomy future’ being locked in a library for the rest of my life if continuing studying literature, which is just how I used my imagination to perpetuate the belief that I had to get out of that career to not become like my worst nightmare, which is just another belief and justification that validates my desire to simply stop studying literature, using denigration toward others in order to see myself as ‘making the right choice,’ which is judgmental and unacceptable, as it is me trying to see myself as a winner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to get validation for my ‘skills to create’ in order to validate my decision to change my career and within that, being able to justify why I ‘don’t like literature school’ any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was because of my parents that I wasn’t able to study arts, while in fact it was me that wasn’t directive enough with regards to taking and making a decision based on my life and my future.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself in relation to what my parents though with regards to me not going out of the city to study arts, when in fact I realize that I used this also as an excuse for me not having been directive and responsible enough to consider what it is that I actually wanted to study in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having taken my ‘second option’ within resignation and within a ‘second plate’ type of experience around it, without realizing that I was only judging it that way because of me not having taken the necessary steps to actually walk the initial desire and decision to study art from the beginning of having to choose my career.

 

 

I forgive myself to deliberate scheme and manipulate my expression in order to continue drawing so that ‘others’ could see my ‘real passion’ for art and drawing – instead of realizing that I was the only one manipulating myself to suit my own desires to migrate to another career and ‘life.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others judgments upon my work as ‘flattering’ and ‘props for my ego’ wherein I am in fact creating this idea of myself as ‘definitely being an artist’ and using that to deliberately validate and justify my change in careers.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘which is a self-belief coming from the starting point of validating my desire to study arts and ‘change’/ veer my direction in order to suit my entire desire to ‘be an artist and be out of this world’ – therefore it is and was not an actual recognition of a ‘passion to create’ but used as an excuse to validate my self-definition and desire to not be part of what I had deemed as a ‘greedy corrupt system’ of money/ capitalism, that I thought I could get away from by studying arts.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having feared to convince my parents about my career decision, out of them disapproving and losing their financial support.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having feared proposing a change of career toward my parents because of not wanting to create a reaction within them as me ‘dropping out’ thus, losing my ‘reputation’ toward them as the ever excellent student that ‘doesn’t drop out.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear disappointing my parents’ when letting them know that I wanted to change my career, which is me judging myself only for not having taken the necessary steps and direction from the get-go initially. I realize that this is me existing in self-blame and projecting it on my parents.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear letting my parents know that ‘I don’t like my career’ because of fearing being seen as a ‘lost person’ that ‘doesn’t know what she wants in life – and lose credibility and my self-definition as a person that ‘knows what she wants to do with her life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents mocking me for changing directions in my life and dissing my new direction as ‘another phase in my life’ based on how I had lived my life going from various phases, preferences and lifestyles, without realizing that I am only limiting myself within this fear to actually support myself to explore what is it that I am actually capable of being and becoming in a supportive way for myself and others within the consideration of what’s best for all, and not only ‘what I like’ or believed I liked doing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others’ judgments upon my life as ‘true’ and allowing them to affect my ability to make decisions and take directions that I know are required once that I have proven to myself that the previous decisions are simply not what I meant to do/ be and become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my parents/ family’s judgments as a decisive factor to move myself and direct myself within my life, without realizing that I am the only one that will live within such decisions for the rest of my life.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself asking ‘what the hell am I doing here?’ and feeling victimized about the situation, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am the only one that is able to direct myself in my reality and that any beliefs of victimization are only ways to manipulate myself to not face the fact that: I placed myself in this position – no one forced me to do so. I realize that whatever I experience is a direct consequence of what I have created and directed within my life by my own will, thus I stop victimizing myself by statements that reinforce any form of manipulating myself and others to ‘get out the backdoor’

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have to ‘endure’ a class, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this ‘self-torture’ is only generated by my own judgments and opinions about the class in itself.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I am in no way going to spend 5 years listening to useless stuff – I stop and I breathe. I realize that the judgment is stemming from my desire to change my career and that everything I said was already from wanting to diss and discredit the career I was in, just to suit and reinforce the self-belief of ‘having to go to art school instead’ – I realize that I have used this self-manipulation to suit my own needs and justify them to make it all ‘acceptable’ at the eyes of others, just because of having feared being judged by ‘dropping out’ of it.

 

I realize that I feared being seen as a ‘failure’ by others and that within this fear of judgment, I manipulated myself to portray myself in a way that others could validate that ‘my decision was correct’ – without realizing that the only one that I was manipulating and fearing is myself: fearing failing and fearing being judged by others.

 

I realize that I have used to denigrate that which I no longer want to be bound to, and eventually create an opposition toward it, even though I ‘adored it’ at first- such as literature and linguistics. Thus I stop and I breathe whenever I see myself denigrating and making something ‘less than’ just so that within my own mind, I can see myself as ‘being a winner’ for opting out and going to an apparent ‘better position’ as in studying another career. Little did I realize that it was never about ‘the career’ but about myself only.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to validate my choice and placing myself as a ‘winner’ by validating my ‘choice’ through dissing/ making the other point less than, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is an ego treat to make believe that I made the right choice and that my decision is validated by my own evidence and assessment of the event/ situation

 

When and as I See myself believing that all decisions I make are ‘for the better’ I stop and I realize. I see that within this starting point of ‘bettering myself/ desiring to be in a ‘better position’ I am in fact justifying my own manipulation to remain as a ‘winner’ within my mind. I realize that everything that I decide to do within my life must be assessed and directed within the starting point of what is best for all, and that I am absolutely responsible for making it work or not. I assume all responsibility that comes from making decisions in life –

 

I realize that I have tricked and fooled myself to justify and validate my choices in life based on preference, instead of an actual assessment of what is best for all. I stop manipulating myself to believe that everything I decide to do with my life is ‘alright’ and ‘will always go well’ – as this belief system is what lead me to walk through art school.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to manipulate the way that others will see my decisions in my desire to be seen as a ‘wise person’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that the manipulation that I have created toward myself and others can only in the end affect myself only, wherein I realize that I must take into consideration the consequences of my decisions within practical terms and not only manipulate myself to be a ‘winner’ at the eyes of others and myself.

 

When and as I see myself creating future projections as unpleasant moments/ experiences, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only going into my mind to manipulate my beliefs in a way that it suits the outcome that I am looking for, which is discrediting my own career choice by now dissing it because of having ‘something better to aspire to’

 

I realize that this is a pattern I have lived out within this point of careers and relationships, just so that whenever I see a relationship/ career point ending, I am able to remain as a ‘winner’ in my mind, instead of being self honest about the decision being simply a way that it wasn’t suitable for myself according to the interests I pursued back then. There is no need to judge and justify my decisions based on ‘bashing’ and belittling the original choice to make myself feel ‘better’ about my decision.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to do something ‘evident’ at the eyes of others to validate and support the belief of ‘who I am’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is an attention seeking pattern wherein I am deliberately wanting to be validated and identified as ‘an artist’ or an ‘expressive person’ which I use as props for my ego to remain within the ‘creative suit’ and within this particular situation, having used it as a way to validate my own shift in career and validate it/ excuse it with a decision based on having ‘real passion’ to create, which I have demonstrated to myself was never actually real.

 

When and as I see myself blaming my parents for apparently not having been able to allow me to study arts, initially – I stop and I breathe. I realize that it was me all the way the one that wasn’t directive enough to make a decision and walk the actual process to achieve it, but instead allowed me to conform because of not wanting to stir up conflict. I realize that within my life and my decisions, I must be absolutely self-directive and considering the actual steps to direct myself to accomplish a point.

 

When and as I see myself victimizing myself with regards to ‘my parents not allowing me to study arts out of the city’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I wasn’t directive and responsible enough to consider that it was only me the one that had to place the actual ‘doing’ and ‘planning’ which I absolutely neglected at the time, and went for the most ‘comfortable option’ which meant not challenging also my own schemes of ‘going out and living alone’ which I eventually directed.

However, I realize that I require to be specific whenever I am walking a point in my life wherein decisions have to be made and actual direction must be given within the consideration of what is best for myself to be, live and direct myself toward in order to support myself and within the principle of what’s best for all.

When and as I see myself opting for the most ‘comfortable’ and ‘less troubling’ solution within my mind when having the opportunity to choose – I stop and I breathe. I reconsider to see and realize that I have to take into consideration the actual outcome of such decision and all the dimensions existent within that decision, to make sure that I do not create unnecessary timeloops within my life and my experience. This means that I direct myself to be bold enough to take the necessary risks to direct myself to an outcome that is certainly best in the moment, and stop my own limitations that only exist as fears within my own mind.

 

When and as I see myself believing that ‘my real passion is to create’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that what I have deemed as such was only a validation for my decision to change career and backup an entire personality suit as ‘the artist/ the creator’ – I realize that I haven’t allowed myself to establish self-creation as one and equal wherein it’s not a point of self-definition, but an actual integration of my ability and capability of supporting myself to correct and direct myself according to that which I see is self-supportive in all ways within my life, and not limited to ‘creating art.’

 

When and as I see myself fearing others judgments upon my change in career/ different lifestyle that I decide to take on as my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am the only one that will live with the decisions I make within my life and that I am now being directive to consider what’s best for all in such decisions, and not just a self-belief pattern that backups a personality. I realize that all decisions and changes that I take within my life, I am absolutely responsible for – therefore I stop allowing judgments to influence my decision in any way whatsoever within my life.

 

When and as I see myself placing the excuse to validate another option that I may have and say ‘I cannot see myself within this for the rest of my life’ – I stop and I breathe. These justifications exist as a trick of my own mind to ‘talk myself into’ accepting another option as ‘better than’ based on self interest – I realize that in the direction I am taking with my life, I am considering what is best for all as a point walked day by day, wherein it is not a profession/ career/ occupation but rather a life-learning process that cannot be defined within the current schemes of ‘career choices’ in our world, as it is me learning how to live and do/ live/ create/ direct myself in the consideration of what’s best for all life in Equality.

 

When and as I see myself limiting myself to receive validation from others in order to make decision and direct myself within my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot depend on other’s validation to move myself, as I realize I am capable and able to direct myself efficiently within my reality wherein I am self-responsible for the consequences and outflows of the decision I take. I realize that only moving/ directing myself after getting ‘enough validation’ is self-manipulation and not allowing me to realize that Self-Direction is existing in one single breath here that I make a decision and walk it – live it.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing frustration because of not being in a place that supports my creativity and expression – I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is a belief-system of myself that I have used to manipulate myself into an outcome that I have perceived as ‘less restrictive’ without realizing that in doing that, I have limited myself and my ability to expand into fields/ areas wherein I have not even considered that I could also enjoy and learn/ expand from. I stop limiting myself according to preferences that only lead me to live an apparently more ‘lax’ way of ‘lifestyle.’ I realize that self-direction even in points wherein I seemingly ‘don’t like/ don’t enjoy’ are only limitations based on preferences within my own mind.

 

When and as I see myself victimizing myself, whining and complaining about ‘not fitting in’ and using others’ validation to my belief of having to be doing ‘something else’ within my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can only complain about my own fuck up of not having directed myself to plan an actual direction within my life wherein I could be doing that which I intended to do from the get go, but allowed myself to limit myself because of fears. Thus, ‘not fitting in, not belonging here’ are but excuses to remain limited and stubbornly want to validate my own self-definition, which is also not supporting myself to allow myself to expand and explore my capabilities within other fields that I had not considered within my own mind before.

 

When and as I see myself ‘fearing disappointing my parents/ others’ in my world based on the decisions I take within my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this judgment only comes when I haven’t walked the point within absolute self-direction and self-trust to know that my decision will actually be best for all in all ways, and that whatever I decide to do with my life, is my absolute point of Self-Responsibility and nothing or no one can influence that point for myself.

 

When and as I see myself fearing being seen as a person that ‘is lost’ and ‘doesn’t know what to do with her life’ – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only creating this fear based on my own ‘lack’ of self-trust in that moment to direct myself to actually support myself within taking decisions and directing myself in my life, within absolute self-responsibility for what I do and what I don’t do.

 

I realize that I have feared being seen as ‘lost’ or ‘a waste’ because of having dropped out of my career and not following through with my actual career. I allow myself to change directions if the previously chosen direction is not best for all. I allow myself to see mistakes as a way to see where and how I am not effectively directing myself and within that, allow myself to be actually supportive within considering the outflows and consequences of my decisions in life.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to get validation from others to make decisions in life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am able to direct myself and change the direction within the realization that I am the only one that will walk the consequences and outflows of such decisions I take and live throughout my life

 

I realize that I cannot allow anyone else’s judgments and opinions to affect who I am and how I direct myself within my life, If I am certain that I am in fact directing myself within self-honesty and self-trust.

 

I also allow myself to obviously get some feedback and reference from people that are able and capable to consider self-honestly what’s best for me to consider as a point of self-direction within the current point I am walking in process and the position that I must take on in order to support the outcome that is best for all life in equality.

 

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Nada

Nada (2005)

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71. Knowledge is $ Power

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the fact that money is just like knowledge that is not readily available for everyone and that is the very cause of social inequality as education can only be obtained if there is Money –  if there is no Money = no education which means that no knowledge = No Power in our current world-system configuration.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the fact that knowledge as ‘value’ in itself contributes to the existence and generational perpetuation of wealth and starvation as once you are born in a ‘golden crib’ = you are prone to remain in such a position for the rest of your life and your children – while when being born into a precarious situation of no money/ absolute starvation, poverty or ‘modern day enslavement’ = you are prone and most like to remain in such a position for the rest of your life, both due to the ability/ inability to get proper education in order to have the means/ tools to survive in this world as ‘knowledge’ that is an asset that one becomes in order to sell ourselves within the system as ‘knowledge and information that creates profit’ for some others that are able to pay for our services/ employ us.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Intellect as knowledge and information in order to differentiate myself from other human beings as being ‘well educated’ in comparison to being ‘not educated’ implying the essential difference that creates a rift in a being’s life as education/ knowledge becomes an asset itself in order to get a job/ make a living, wherein through denying education to all beings Equally, we are agreeing to have 2/3 of the population bound to menial/ odd jobs or absolute poverty/ starvation mode due to them not having been given unconditional support as Education in order to have Equal Choices in Life, the same way that anyone with enough money has in this world – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that these so called  ‘Choices’ are also arranged, schemed and obviously dependent on the current same system of abuse wherein no matter which ‘choice’  of career/ profession we take, they are all equally bound to one single point: supporting the same polarized system of money that does not regard LIFE as an Equal  and one Value as who we are, but rather considers Money as the ‘real value’ over life which is used as a means to control people’s lives and their futures to either live or die according to the ability to survive in the system.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not realize that by selling Education and making of Education an asset in itself, we are diminishing the probabilities of an equal world due to money not being given to all beings equally and unconditionally – nor is Education absolutely Free and of the utmost quality to prepare a being to Live, but is only a training and indoctrination in order to continue and perpetuate the same system wherein money is the one ‘power’ that is sought for, placing aside any attempt and encouragement to the betterment of all beings equally, which implies that Education in itself is elitism = it is only ‘power’ for some that have the money to begin with to obtain such same training to perpetuate that same money that they have, with no consideration of first giving equal-education to those that have No Access to it, as that would mean that there would be ‘less chances’ of ‘making it’ in this world due to how we have limited ourselves to only aspire to the get to the top of the hierarchical system wherein only a few can reside in, which makes of Education a simple straining training ground of teaching beings survival-tactics, competition and the idea that life is a struggle and must be strived for, which is teaching beings to ‘do everything they can’ to get money/ survive in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of knowledge and information an asset in itself wherein the more a person ‘knows’ = the more they are regarded as ‘valuable’ within this system, while neglecting that knowledge in itself has Never been placed at the service of life, to promote actual common sense in practical ways wherein a real new Human Being could emerge through proper education based on a living principle of Life in Equality – but instead, knowledge has served its own creator/ god as money and the world-system that we live in today, which implies that Knowledge is Useless to create a world that is best for all due to how it is currently being valued and equated as Money in itself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘worth’ myself according to the knowledge and information that I have and that I use in order to ‘speak about the system’ without realizing that within the intellectualization of the problems of the world, we are in fact simply perpetuating the same system of abuse due to the purpose and starting point of knowledge in this world as power in itself. This implies that the more that I praise knowledge as ‘truth’ and ‘the way’ to create solution sin this world, the more ‘Money’ as the current world system is being promoted, because of and due to how knowledge is being used as an asset in itself within individuals and the world system as ‘Education’ which is an added value to beings themselves.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that intellect is a product of capitalism itself, as the value placed over words as ‘more than life’ due to the service that knowledge renders to perpetuate a belief-system of value over life, as the current capitalist system demonstrates. Therefore I see that I have accepted my own brainwash as the rationalization of real problems in the world as some form of ‘supreme knowledge’ that only ‘specialists’ can talk about, without realizing that such ‘specialists’ have never before and not yet created and proposed an overall system reform that can create and establish laws and principles of Life in Equality.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that every moment that I am able to philosophize and intellectualize reality through words learned in school within a system that entertains people earning good money by theorizing about reality, I am in fact spiting the actual reality where 2/3 of the world suffer while I can pretend to ‘ find solutions’ that involve using the same Money that has caused the condition of suffering, poverty and abuse of life, which means that there is no way that a single theory can change the world and the lives of actual living beings unless such intellect is used to establish the logistics to create a new monetary system that is able to provide life’s resources for all living beings in Equality as Life.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that theorizing solutions and never placing them into practical living application is proof that no philosophy, political or sociological study have created a radical change in reality, because all are still trying to find ‘options’ to capitalism while using ‘alternatives’ that in no way consider Life in Equality and the need for a complete system overhaul, which implies that no knowledge and sophism will do the actual education to realize how we have accepted Money as a single word that seems unchangeable without realizing the make-believe system of social convention it actually is.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that making money out of intellectualizing the problems of the world is capitalist spitefulness wherein the actual solutions are absolutely neglected and deliberately ignored in order to continue and perpetuate an elitist system wherein only a few can ‘ponder’ solutions for the world while the reality of having no money as no access to life is growing in an ever so frightening manner, which should leave things clear by now on how MONEY is the actual motivation to ‘seek solutions’ with no conclusive results, because that would mean that many professions would no longer be required and people fear losing their current position if an actual solution was established, which once again reveals that intellectualism is very well paid to ever consider proposing a new economic system based on Life in Equality, without realizing that Equality does not mean poverty and only getting a limited ration of resources to live, which is part of the mind control established as the word ‘Equality’ without having any context how such Equality is who we are as LIFE itself.

 

I commit myself to educate myself about reality, the inner workings of the system to realize how I have separated myself from the solution to the problems in the world through knowledge and information instead of practically being the change that I see is required, beginning with stopping all forms of desire for power and greed, stopping following that which I was taught in school I should ‘aim for’ which is success, power, directing people and becoming a ‘leader’ in a world where the leadership positions are only available for a Few/ minority that has had the opportunity above others to get to such positions.

 

I realize the importance of education to create a transition in this system, wherein learning the basic aspects of our reality imply walking the solution as each individual that is able to take Self-Responsibility within this world system, creating a point of change not in separation of systems of knowledge and information as an asset, but rather using and implementing solutions based in Common Sense living as what’s best for all, wherein all beings from a young age as children can begin understanding what it is to create a world in Equality, taking Self Responsibility for themselves and the co-creation process of a world-system based on Life in Equality.

 

I commit myself to expose how knowledge is in fact capitalist spitefulness in a world where knowledge decides who is ‘better’ and who’s ‘who’ in the world system according to the amount of money that is able to be made from ‘theorizing’ about reality, instead of using that knowledge to equalize society as practical skills and education that is based upon the equal-standing of all beings in the same world system, instead of promoting greed, desire for powerful positions, competition and rivalry between individuals from the very first stages of and within the schooling systems.

 

I commit myself to support myself to stick to practical living-understanding of reality wherein no knowledge and information about the world-system becomes a ‘moreness’ and a ‘superior value’ within myself, but instead I take each point as a means to realize my responsibility within the system and within that, ensure that I use the tools that I am being unconditionally given and provided as writing, self forgiveness, self corrective application to walk my own mind and within this, see/ realize and understand that Life is Not Knowledge and that at the moment, all of it is just a tool to ensure that we understand the implications of the separation we have created as words, as money as the entire configuration of our world system, to ensure that we Stop all forms of separation through practically realizing our Equality and Oneness as Life, wherein no knowledge will exist in separation as a ‘value’ in itself, but will be only Living Words that All Beings will be equally capable of living and understanding, as that is the only way that we can begin to Understand WHY and HOW the Equal Money System is the only way to restore Life in Equality on Earth and this Existence.

 

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the Intellect of the Human Lacks All Life Morality as it is Not Life, but Mind as Self-Interest – and therefore it Only Designs Systems which will Profit the Self-Interest of Individuals, or Organizations, or Families – while Life is just seen as a Commodity to be Traded for Personal Happiness.” Bernard Poolman*

 

 

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64. Talents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my ‘talents’ as my greatest asset wherein all the value and worth that I gave to myself was linked to the ability to think and do things as a way to measure myself toward other beings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the word ‘talent’ as a positive word, as something that adds up specialness to a being, wherein it I just acting/ living that which is of ease for me to act, direct, do without an effort – hence I can direct any talent as an action that I can express myself as with ease toward a best for all outcome, and not just for personal glorification or ‘value’ above other life forms.

 

I realize that the word talent in itself means ‘weight’ and ‘sum of money’ which are added values that make ourselves ‘more’ than others – apparently – yet they are in essence points of expression that if equalized as life, each one can develop to the benefit of the whole and stop using talents as a way to compete against each other and ‘win’ as a form of superiority/ inferiority separation toward others, and instead use such talents as the ‘natural skills’ in the best interest of all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link self-worth to ‘talents’ and ‘skills’ wherein all that I became was this set of attributes that I could use as a reference point to compare myself toward other beings and decide whether I stood ‘above’ or ‘below,’ which is how my entire stance was created as a sense of confidence stemming from this ‘value-assessment’ toward other beings, wherein words from beings toward everything I did/ say were stored as confirmations of ‘who I was’ and ‘how I was doing’ in my life, which were conveniently used to grow my ego and my perceived talents in order to confirm to  myself: ‘that’s the way to go, because everyone agrees with it!’ without ever doing an actual introspection in my life with regards to how things in the world worked wherein all value is actually fake and in separation of ourselves, moving in a system of money that is existent as debt- hence

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the ‘vox populi’ as all the opinions and perspectives people had ‘upon me’ as a way to decide where I would be the most effective in my world, and assessing my future accordingly, without realizing that we as all individuals have been very lost in our world of values, directions and placing ourselves in unfortunate positions by our own ‘will’ which were choices based On the limitation that we created within ourselves as the inherent structure we are born with/ as, as the entire configuration of a world wherein life has never been valued but only ‘what you do’ to maintain the system of absolute abuse and disregard toward life in place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever become so worried about ‘who and what I will become’ in my life when having to decide about the future as careers and life-choices without realizing that none of those ‘choices’ were in fact self-supportive as nothing of what currently exists in this world is directed to the benefit of all life in Equality as long as money dictates ‘who we are’ in our world. This means that as long as value is separate from ourselves as life, anything we do will be linked to perpetuating the same system of fake values in separation of ourselves as Equals – as I realize that only through first walking the process to Equalize myself can I remove the conditions I had imposed onto myself to start considering that we all have to become equal participants in taking responsibility of this world wherein through changing the way the system operates, we will be able to provide actual options of LIFE and self-development with activities and professions that are linked to be part of the creative processes to the best way of living as Equals, which is not at all considered in any profession or specialized field/area currently in our world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself some ‘choices’ in life wherein I literally stood within the point of ‘the world is fucked, there is nothing else to do it, where can I be the least influenced ‘by the system’ while being in it?’ – hence using art and the art-profession as a way to ‘escape’ from reality yet still foreseeing to make ‘good money’ out of it, which was all placed as dreams and ideals that were essentially fallacies that I bought and created for myself in order to avoid taking actual Self-Responsibility for myself and this world in its entirety.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use even dead as an excuse to not take responsibility for this world wherein I used o think ‘well, we’re going to die anyways so, what’s the worst thing I could choose to be/ become?’ – and using death thus as an excuse to continue seeing this world as having no remedy, being ‘hopeless’ about the entire panorama in in that, mostly abiding to the ideal ‘end times’ so that I didn’t have to even worry about developing myself properly with a certain profession/ position in the world, but only caring about my personal ‘spiritual’ salvation, which I really used to wreck my own life based on beliefs and hypothetical imminent events wherein it would all end, and still is a point that I walk through in order to not feel like all of this is not sustainable and will have to be obliterated in order to have life restored back to itself, which is not acceptable as in the meantime while I just think, there is actual suffering in the world created by my own aloofness toward reality.

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand the point of ‘giving up’ my ego and personality as in giving up/ stopping participating in such ‘talents’ that even if they were preprogrammed, in no way does it mean that I have to now not participate in them at all, this is about WHO I am within everything that I do which means that I simply have to stop identifying myself as only being such talents and instead, allow myself to express myself through/ as such ‘talents’ without holding a relationship of value/worth toward them as a point of specialness

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold backchat toward beings in my past wherein I would think ‘they clearly have no sex, thus their mind and intelligence is all they have to brag about to feel better about themselves’ and in this, seeing that either being an intellectual devotee or a lover or a religious follower, they would all compensate one ‘realm’ of their reality not being ‘fulfilled’ with the exacerbation of one of their talents, without realizing that I was obviously doing the same wherein all I ever sought to be was an intellectual that would gather all this information, creating a relationship to this information and with this, cover up my inability to establish relationships that were supportive and any other self-agreement of self-support to first value myself as the life that I am here to be and become.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compensate my perceived lack of personal-charm to establish proper relationships and use knowledge and information as the entire ‘intellectual personality’ to cover up for my other perceived ‘lacks’ or ‘flaws’ within my personal life, wherein I had accepted myself to become a hopeless romantic/ intellectual that could only philosophize about life and create more conundrums through art as if Life was this eternal mystery unsolved to me.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to justify any ‘detachment’ from people – a.k.a. isolation, ostracizing – as part of the personalities I created as a ‘thinker’ or ‘artist’ or ‘creative’ believing/ talking myself into the perceived ‘misunderstanding’ that I thought people in my world would see me as, which only fueled this perceived idea of me being ‘special’ and with this ‘something’ that I Hoped to develop in the future, believing that I would be something ‘great’ and ‘marvelous’ lol yet I never directed myself to place such ‘talents’ up front ‘on the table’ so to speak to see how I could direct myself with such ‘talents’ within the world, but I instead hoped and wished that something / someone would knock on my door and offer me this great position wherein I could satisfy my expectations, just because of believing myself to be this special being that could do well in ‘anything I wanted,’ which was fueled by what parents/ teachers/ people in my world would also talk about, which is to the utmost detriment of the being in question as it is only an air-based/ words-not-lived based expectation of another, built up with values and ideas of the same system that in no way considers what’s best for all life, but only what makes the most money/ what pumps the ego the most/ what creates further specialness as a point of separation from the whole, which is not acceptable at all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place my entire life depending on these ‘talents’ as knowledge and information consumed as ‘value’ in itself, wherein the more I would nurture myself within this intellectualized personality = the more I would ‘worth’ myself within the social-standards, creating this superiority position toward others, often engaging in intellectual debates just for the sake of ‘voicing myself’ and ‘making myself heard’ with No practical solutions or conclusions, but only adding up the cherry on top of the verbal diarrheic intellectual chats and endless coffee shop hours on philosophizing about life, politics, economics and judging others within such positions that I used to participate in.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever take the position of the ‘hopeless dreamer’ as ‘the artist’ that was ‘misunderstood’ and that had no relationship to anything else but brushes and paints and fellow ‘dead artists’ that I would read about in order to feel ‘understood,’ without realizing that I had not even established a proper self-relationship toward myself to see ‘who I am’ in relation to these talents first, if they were really talents or just personal fascinations that became a ‘way out’ of facing myself?

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately ‘choose’ an inclination of ‘who I wanted to become’ in life in a position wherein my looks would not matter that much, wherein I would not have to ‘deal’ with many people, and where I could just hide in some remote space for a long time and ‘disconnect myself from the world’ – which were the usual beatnik type of dreams of seclusion wherein I could just write and create artworks and music and only come out to ‘show it to the world’ after some time, which is one of the ‘dreams’ that I had wherein my then Zen enthusiasm and artistic endeavors filled my being with ‘hope’ and mostly illusion that I could in any way, change the world through my creations.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold dreams of detaching from reality, from everything and everyone not realizing that it is the same as desiring to be Dead as Nothing in this world exists in such ‘detachment’ of each other, otherwise my own body would not be able to function and continue existing, which is applied to the rest of this world existent in interdependent relationships toward one another.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have given up being able to do anything about this world back in the day wherein the ‘choice’ of what and who I wanted to be and do with my life, which was not an actual choice of me seeing myself as capable and able to support myself and stand as an example of change in my world, but only choose that which was ‘the least worst thing to do’ according to the values I placed in the world in separation of myself as a whole, stemming from feeling frustrated and ‘hopeless’ about reality and thinking ‘there is nothing I can do’ which is one of the primary reasons why I chose to become a ‘professional’ in ‘arts’ – according to the ideas and stereotypes of artists I knew at that moment – as a way to further develop this desire to detach from reality and lead ‘humanity to the spiritual world’ – lol I wrote ‘spitual’ –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to then judge my creations as mindfucked infatuations, without realizing that they were just part of that time in my life and that I can continue creating without me defining myself according to what I create or created in the past, as I can give myself this moment here to express myself as what I exist as in any given moment, without having to create a special point of definition of ‘who I am’ toward that.

 

I realize that I have now stopped most of ‘creative processes’ because of having judged them as a point that I used to escape from my reality, yet I can use them again and turn them/ direct them as self-supportive creations that I can use as another way to present myself as my process, which means that it’s not only ‘myself’ that I’m working on, but I can do other works and creations that stem from such self-understanding that I am walking at the moment in this process.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play out my ‘extremist’ personality wherein I tend to just ‘give up’ something and not look at it again based on having realized the initial/ starting point reason for me to create, and completely ‘detach’ myself from it which is separation – hence it is not to deny my abilities and capabilities of doing something or talking about certain topics, it is about Who I Am in every moment that I participate in creating, communicating with others and within this, establishing myself as equal in all aspects of my reality, not dividing them as ‘the old me’ and the ‘new me’ as that is separation as well – it is about in every moment seeing how I can direct any point in Self-Honesty and considering what’s best for all, which is definitely able to be done and walked as an integral part of self.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people according to how they would speak about their talents and specialness and within this, take such judgment back to self wherein I make sure I stop existing in any form of separation toward anything I do, say, write, share as creation so that I am no longer participating in a system of specialness – but instead become part of the creation of a system wherein all human beings can equally contribute with their talents as a point that is of ease for each to express-themselves as, aiming to contribute to the best interest of all in Equality.

 

I commit myself to asses what I am ‘good at’ as ‘talents’ that I can direct myself to establish myself as an example of how such talents can be used in a beneficial way that entails the betterment of all in Equality.

 

I commit myself to stop any perceived form of ‘being better than others’ in anything I do, but instead, simply use what I can do, what I enjoy expressing myself-as in consideration of that which can support another being to see themselves in and through my words, my creations, my expression in any way which is in the end what we do in this process: reflecting back to each other points that we probably have not considered of ourselves before.

 

I commit myself to re-integrate myself to my perceived detachment and separation from anything I had deemed as ‘talent’s wherein I simply stopped altogether creating separation instead of integrating them as who I am in a way that I ensure that my actions are directed to create a best for all outcome, which is then a way to share/ show to others how each one of us can contribute with their own talents to make of this world a better place, in actual physical reality and not in a dream-like manner.

 

I commit myself to equalize all values as Life as that is the only real value that exists wherein all talents, all activities, all forms of expression are then aligned to creating/ recreating and propagating this new ‘meaning’ of living and expression linked to Life itself for the first time, in a system that would value everything else in separation of itself as Life itself, which is already a revolutionary aspect that has not been considered – mostly taken for granted – before.

 

I commit myself to stop all separation within me as ‘who I am’ and ‘what I do’ is one and equal and must not be assessed and appraised according to the fake-values currently existing in our word, but I make sure that I establish equality as myself as this is the only way that I can ensure I become an effective participant in the Equal Money System where the only value is life, where everything we do is equally ‘remunerated’ as that ability to give and receive in equality.

 

I commit myself to walk my own process of equalizing myself as my talents, and later on be able to share with others how to do the same with themselves, as this is a very cool and key factor that we all as individuals can take on and truly create a new world wherein everyone enjoys what they’re doing/ expressing themselves as, while supporting to create a world that is best for all.

 

For more support on deciding what to do with your life, share at the Desteni Forum  and read all the Journey to Life blogs wherein we are all committed to become examples of what Living Life is in a world where Money will no longer dictate ‘who we are’  – but equalizing All as Life as the only way to start creating a New World beginning with ourselves

 

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2012 Rotten Apples

This is a title suited in relation to the point that if one apple is rotted, it will affect others to eventually rot as well – haven’t tested if this is 100% so and if you have any idea of this being a myth, let me know – however within the points that we’ll walk here, it is to understand that we are the product of a society that is currently not supportive for everyone, and how within one single point being ‘missed’ – that will invariably affect the whole.

This came through a post at the Desteni Forum wherein we realize how important it is to not only blame our parents for having ‘induced’ us into ‘living a life’ wherein fear is the foundation of our actions or inactions.

There is a lot more to consider within that and I agreed with having a similar thought to what Cam Mantia expressed in thinking that ‘It seems like parents don’t even want to raise their children anymore’  which has been part of the backchat I’ve had when observing parents and their children, or hearing children cry on a daily basis in the house next door where it is inevitable not to think ‘why do they have children in the first place if they are not willing to support them and take care after them’? Which would imply obviously not abusing them, but supporting them to live. 

I’ve realized through walking with Desteni and supporting myself to see ‘beyond what meets the eye,’ to understand that the current state of ‘parenting’ is the result of generations after generations of passing on the same ‘sins of the fathers’ – it is the product of several factors that are not to be taken only at a face-value so to speak. It is the outflow of the entire configuration of a system wherein Life is Not supported – hence the majority – if not most of the people – have not realized what supporting a child with proper development is and should be, that’s what creates the current world we’re living in wherein anything that can keep kids ‘occupied’ and entertained is used and abused, instead of developing ways to communicate and interact with them. Children enjoy expressing themselves unconditionally and what do we find parents do? they only seek way to ‘keep them calm’ or in a sedated mode in front of the TV – not that the TV is ‘bad’ but being aware of what they are watching and if that is actually supportive for them.

“All the adults over 30 years old today are the product of the age where children where deliberately programmed to be consumers setting in motion the same training to become homegrown. Today consumerism is totally homegrown. Now with marketing and research into what makes the desires glow in children, we face a problem of massive proportions if we are to stop us from consuming our world just in the name of feeling happy.” Bernard Poolman

In my case I was easily controlled, meaning, I would comply to ‘keep quiet’ and not be such a bouncy kid when the moment was not the ‘adequate’ one. However I did have moments of playing and enjoying, mostly before 7 years old wherein my parents would support all my imaginary-trips of wanting to be an ‘artist’ and would record me while dancing and ‘singing’ etc. – that type of stuff was fun and I can see the ‘excitement’ that would come from having my parents being there with me and enjoying along.

I can almost recall how ‘cool’ it felt to have their attention and support, like being able to ‘hang out with them’ is quite an important point for the child. When I started growing up, things changed, but that was mostly because of how I started watching more television and becoming more aware of the roles we would play at school, ‘friends’ and essentially introducing myself  to the ‘world system,’ which is the point that eventually influences even the ‘happiest child in the world’ – that’s how we can see that unless ‘all is free non is free.’

So, in the case of a family not supporting their child effectively, the point is looking at how that will inevitably become part of the ‘problems’ within the system as the kid goes and interacts with other kids in school, for example.

What can happen is that such children that were not supported effectively, go to school and become jealous of the kid that had the ‘cool life’ or seems relatively stable, and eventually exert such jealousy toward such stability through envy/ nastiness that turns into bullying, for example. That’s within the understanding of what I wrote  in the previous entry of ‘Self-Honesty as Fear Label,’ wherein we realize that because this entire society has been based on fear, anything that stands out of the scheme is then ‘feared’ thus attacked. Separation is then brewed among children, and there is ‘no explanation’ to this, apparently’ – kids are punished, some others are victimized without actually looking at the cause of the problem. And this is something that happens in every single school – now take this point into the ‘adult world’ and you will get a society of criminals and victims that would simply not have to exist as such fear-labels if everyone had been supported from childhood to support themselves to live and consider each other being as an equal.

A lot of problems such as the trendy ‘bullying’ are mostly blamed upon parents – however if there is not effective support for parents to learn how to raise and educate a child, how on Earth would we expect the problem to be solved? This is not only a ‘family’ problem or only relevant if you are willing to be a parent – this is about human education and how we have all been the product of two human beings and their personal histories and genetic dynasties that mingle and become ‘who we are.’ This is something that pertains all of us as it parenting and the general process of interaction and communication within the family, is the key to create a society living within the principle of what is Best for All.

Our current ‘integrity’ is that of promoting fear, survival and competition toward others wherein through adults living an entire lifetime within this mechanism, when the time comes to bring children to the world, all they know is perpetuating the same ‘ways’ in which they were educated as well – some even go into thinking that it’s best to do it in a ‘rough way’ as that ensures that children are able to remember through traumatic events what to do and what not to do. All abuse is unacceptable as it will invariably be then re-played by the child either towards themselves or others.

From this point of accepted and allowed abuse at home, we develop personalities that are used to such abusive patterns as the initial link of ‘being with human beings as a supportive point’ is broken and instead, aversion toward parents, other children and ‘the world’ ensues. We brew our own conditions and fellow neighbors at home, it is vital to understand this to the utmost specificity: if we allow one single child to ‘rot’ and recreate the patterns of the past through imposing the education of repression, fear and limitation, what we will have is one single person that will create the same abusive patterns regardless of ‘the rest’ being properly supported.

This is how we can understand that ‘only caring for your family’ is not considering the fact that we are part of this entire world. This thinking-pattern is only supporting the same survival-fears that lead us to be bound to a money-god driven society wherein you only ensure you and ‘your loved ones’ are ‘alright’ and don’t really care about considering that others are also yourself, and that the moment that ‘others’ are not being equally supported to live effectively, their reality will invariably affect You as well – no matter what = that’s the rotten apples point.

I’ve placed the example of how within being bullied at school – even if you live in a supportive environment – it eventually gets on to you and start playing out the same games that lead to discrimination and separation. Then we create ourselves as personalities that are able to ‘survive’ within the system, such as how I had to develop a ‘hard veneer’ in order to be able to withstand the general conditions of competition and attacks that would come from that irrational fear that people have toward seeing someone being mostly stable or in the school system, being a ‘good student’ as I experienced it.

Instead of promoting ‘beating others’ for it, promoting how to stand one and equal as that point of stability and support that we are all able to give if we begin with ourselves. We realize that money can be a factor that determines the stability that parents themselves may experience, which is why it is imperative to work with parents in order to make sure that all abuse is stopped within self, and within that, ensuring that it is not propagate toward your own children. .

We have to stop recreating the same old ways of living in this ‘fear-based society’ wherein we eventually end up fucking up each other as no one can really ‘stand outside of the game’ even if you had the greatest support while growing up – apparently.

What I have realized is that even within the support  I had while growing up, we have to dig into the fine details to see how even the perceived ‘goodness’ has never actually been based-on and within the consideration of what is best for all. Once again, realizing how one ‘bad apple’ can rot the rest, which is also realizing to what extent we’ll have to make sure everyone is aligned to living by the principle of what is best for all, and this process is precisely the way to do so.

I’ve learned how to take a lot more into consideration before blaming something or someone for our current accepted and allowed experience. Ultimately, we are all equally responsible and it is only within this understanding that all judgments stop being justified by the backchat wherein ‘the world is evil’ and ‘I fear everyone’ were usual thoughts that would define ‘who I am’ toward the world, toward people and naturally lived as ‘who I am.’

A world without fear is possible, yet we cannot ‘remove’ it with a magic wand, there is actual work to do and so far from what we have walked with fellow Destonians, supporting yourself through the tools of writing, self honesty, self forgiveness and the self corrective application is the way to realize how we have been the product of the accepted and allowed past that we cannot possibly continue blaming, but ensure that we become the point that stands up and stops the sins of the fathers from being perpetuated. That’s how we remove all possible ‘rotten apples’ and realize that: what I do and live-by has an effect on the whole – that’s considering Oneness and Equality, that’s what’s Best for All, living in Self-Honesty to be self-responsible within the consideration of the consequences that we manifest with every single word, thought and deed.

“Blame is a distraction from holding oneself accountable and setting an example. The common misconception is that a process of recreating the self/system from the inside out is impractical and that no one will accept it, yet circumstances will lead to people ‘losing their minds’ one way or another, so it’s best to begin as soon as possible, if one hasn’t already.” – Scott Cook

A New World for the Children

Suggested read:

Documentary:

Consuming Kids: The Commercialization of Childhood [Full Film]

Suggested Support:

What parents Fear: “One of the greatest fear of a parent is that their child will be without food, money and a place to stay. If this does happen, parents often blame themselves or their children for what has happened, instead of realizing that it is the current system we are in, designed around competition and failure – which is responsible for the experience.”

 

Life Review – Misunderstood
Here a being shares his Life Review of his experience in this world with being misunderstood, where no-one could see or understand his intentions/future goals because of the extent to which adults/grown-ups have their our purity, innocence and expression.


Perfectionism is an Inside Job!

Per-fact working with what is here to be created/ directed within the principle of what’s best for all – Working in specificity, living in ways that are taking into consideration an outcome that will benefit myself and all equally – there are no inner-guidelines according to my own value schemes based on comparison or fears within that. This is how we can transform our current participation in ‘perfectionism’ to self perfection.

Perfectionism – system word and the familiar imprint.

I read the word perfectionism and remembered the usual talks my parents would have with their friends around the table and how my father would boast about his peculiar traits of being methodic and a perfectionist. He’s cool from the system perspective and I’ve learned heaps from such specificity and efficiency within taking into consideration aspects that make our day to day living more practical – yet a lot is definitely based on fear and an underlying desire for control. Now that I look at the word I see that looking at the ‘driving force’ of this experience is having everything working the way ‘he wants it to be’ and this aspect can consume him the moment things don’t go as expected.

That’s when anger would ignite within him right away – it was a ‘known’ fact that if something didn’t work out the way it was expected, we would have to deal with his bad temper. It’s been cool actually because this past year  I’ve gotten to be more open in talking about how to support ourselves with my parents/ family in general, so I’ve been able to point out in the exact moment when he’s going into anger and frustration for things not resulting the way he wanted them. This has been supportive for him to snap out of it and realize that all the fuzz is absolutely unnecessary and that things have to simply be physically directed without adding any other ‘charge’ to it.

The reason why I’m writing about my father is because I require to apply the exact same points for myself.  I can see myself in him in terms of how we have lived ‘perfectionism’ as literal cage wherein we want everything to be ‘under control,’ wherein we don’t want to make any mistakes which is essentially out of fear, fear of not keeping up with this ideal that we’ve created of ourselves, our ‘reputation.’ I now remembered asking my father in one of these events ‘well, what is it that worries you the most if this doesn’t work out?’ and he replied something along the lines of ‘what everyone will say about it.’ And then he goes into his petulant mode wherein he’s just like a little kid that has been caught in the nitty gritty of what is actually ‘mattering’ within our mind, it’s actually funny because there is no place to hide once we reveal and expose ourselves. 

So, it is about fearing others’ judgments, fearing not being ‘up to the expectations’ which is just an overall fuckup since we then will try and make everything fit our imaginary idea – not a pleonasm but a required redundancy to realize how we cannot become an ‘idea’ that is only existent in our mind unless we actually live it in fact. When living in comparison and caring too much about our general ‘presentation’ toward others, we start hindering our expression and placing a lock to our expression to not get out of the ‘known-safe bounds’ and in that, giving up the ability to express, share, being, speak and act because of caring too much about what others have to say about it.

 

How I have experienced perfectionism.

It started when I was a little girl – kindergarten to be precise and I wanted to be the perfect girl that did everything I was told to do. The moment I deviated from it like grabbing a pair of scissors and cutting some boy’s hair, getting scolded and resenting such action coming from the ‘teacher,’ I got ‘stuck’ within the point of never wanting to create such ‘harm’ on to another, the kid started crying after it all seemed like ‘fun’ to me.  That’s the first imprint of ‘being mean’ at school and being reprehended for it. From there fear kicked in and made sure I was doing everything I was told to do out of fear of having to go through that ‘humiliating experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having experienced humiliation out of being scolded without anyone taking into consideration the inner-workings and intentions behind the actions – in this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move from self-expression into fear because of not wanting to be ‘scolded’ again ‘in public’ and experiencing such humiliation which I didn’t know existed at the time, creating a general imprint of ‘fear’ which then became the driving force to ‘do as I’m told’ and be an obedient sheep in class.

In fact, from that moment on any ‘fuck up’ that I made during the elementary school years – like being kicked out of the class for talking too much which only happened once – I felt like the scum of the Earth, I feared to be expelled from the honorable wall of fame at school – losing the grace all teachers and others had – the ‘reputation’ point became quite prominent when being the ‘perfect system’ that does ‘everything perfect.’ In fact now that I see the latest points wherein that word has come up in my reality, I get this icky feeling like fuck that’s just not cool, it’s all ego based – how could ‘accomplishing tasks’ be related to ‘being perfect?’ It all was part of getting to know how to score in the system of rewards – nothing else.

I can only accept Self Perfection as myself and in that, we all have to stand equal and one to it – that would be principles and self-will to be efficient, practical, specific in terms of what will create an outcome that’s best for all. I speak of ‘creation’ because that’s what we are doing here with ourselves and the world. Therefore, now that we understand that all points within creation must be equally responsible, we can see how within being self responsible, correcting ourselves and accumulating words and deeds that co-operate to create a best for all outcome is walking the process of Self Perfection. This then cannot be a mind/ ego-driven move, but a best-for-all consideration that anyone can apply in an equal manner.

The reason why we have become so hooked on ‘perfectionism’ is due to the current system wherein one has to be absolutely ‘fit’ and aligned to its rules to keep going – this is just another survival-mechanism point because the main motive is fear once again. Whether it is fear of judgment, of not having money, fear of loss, etc. we have to take such fears to see where we have placed our value/worth upon.

Walking in this process has allowed me learn how to work as a team for the first time as I used to ‘loathe’ to work in teams, because it would usually mean having other 4 people wanting to be in my team because they knew and I knew I would do it all – yes I would create such a situation for myself and accept to do it all most of the times just so that I could make sure it was done ‘the right way.’ Once again we see that the motivation was fearing it would be a fuckup and believing that ‘my way’ is the ‘best way.’ I have stunned myself whenever I see how cool it is to brainstorm about points to the extent that I can see how funneling everything within the principle of equality can create an actual diversity of perspectives that lead to the same point – yet using different ways and expressions to get there, that’s the cool part.

It’s probably been over a  decade since I started letting go much of the initial hardcore perfectionism I experienced as a child – I mean, when I was around 8 years old if things didn’t go out the way I wanted, I would become frustrated and angry and bottle myself in it only getting to see some ‘light out of the tunnel’ with some support that I would get from my mother at that time, allowing me to see how I was simply able to do the things without having to be so strict and ‘hard on myself.’ I see how I would take such comments like ‘quick fixes’ that she could say in order for me to have like a spoon fed of honey to get past the bitterness, I would not really consider what she was saying. It did support to snap out of it and learn to be more flexible with my own religion. Like if I would say: I go to bed at 9:15 I had to be in bed at that time, no matter where I was I would have to be in bed because otherwise I was breaking my own rules and that was equal to what missing Sunday’s mass is for a hardcore christian.

I created for myself an overly-apprehensive childhood, no one was putting a gun to my head to have set such standards of ‘being the best’ all the time, it was like literal preprogramming running itself wherein my parents never had to bother in asking if I had done my homework or doing exhaustive reviews on my homework. My mother would support me with tools to learn useless data and create questionnaires to enhance the understanding of what I was learning –  that was it.   The drive that I would experience in an almost automated way to ‘be the best one in the class’ was driven by fear of losing my reputation and image toward others.

After these initial years at school I learned ‘the ways of the system’ wherein I simply got to know the ‘rules’ and started manipulating the points to get the desired outcome, extenuating the effort as well.  This is Not Self Perfection at all! Yet from a system perspective it was regarded as such – it was me becoming part of the ones that are able to manipulate things to suit my reputation/ ego. It actually sucks when people build a certain ‘idea of yourself’ and then create all types of expectations of ‘who you are’ and when finally getting to meet you, they eventually see you are just another mortal that is not self perfected – yet.

 

I can also now pinpoint the times in the past wherein I would create this ‘lower standard’ of something I had created even though it was ‘well done’ just to create a ‘safe zone,’ like a margin of error wherein if people thought it wasn’t ‘good enough,’ they would have my initial input of the work ‘not being good enough’ so that they could then measure the end result according to their judgment and my input and create an ‘acceptable average’ from it all. All fucked up complicated value systems – the mind complicates everything and it’s all done just for the sake of keeping up an imaginary standard that apparently can uplift of diminish who we are – it’s not real!

 

From Perfectionism to Self Perfection – the process.

The way to go every time from here on that I experience any perfection-demon kick I  stop for a moment and become aware of what is the driving force within this – what is it that I am actually supporting here and if common sense is not able to be found, we’ll know it’s being an ego-driven task directed to fulfill a certain patterned-idea of myself that is not self-supportive, that will not be applicable for all equally and will only stand as a general bluff within my experience.

Self-perfection is taking all into consideration to the best outcome possible – perfectionism is just ego-driven desires and fears which are the same but just in opposition to each other. It implies then stopping the desire to be ‘the best’ or beating my own standards and self-created ‘records’ to simply continue living in a way that is supportive for myself and everyone equally. That way we let go of measuring ourselves against ourselves and others and feeling ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about it.

“Perfectionism is based in fear – self perfection is based in self creation” – Bernard Poolman

And with that we can see how we’re all walking the process of self creation wherein self perfection is the accumulation of consistent self-application directed toward a best for all outcome.

 

Learn more at: Desteni 

Alterna1


The golden age of grotesque

This title comes from a Marilyn Manson song, but… it’s really more to tell about my day. I woke up early and watched videos etc., had breakfast and left to go to the museum. To my surprise the whole surrounding had two au plain air exhibitions. One had pics taken by Quebecois of their city. I enjoyed strolling there in the sidewalk watching these big pictures. Then went accross the street and watched Leonora Carrington’s paintings on the sidewalk as well, they were photos of course, but nice. I would always go in a “hurry” as if something had to be done really quick, and this time I took it all slow and giving myself time. I had this system always inside me wanting to do things right away, fast as I can, etc.

Went into the Tamayo museum and got to see three exhibitions. The photography one by Wolfgang Tillmans really showed me the possibilities of pictures and I went woow, but then again, ‘it’s only pictures’ I kept saying “i am these pictures as well, how cool” and I can see them moving as well, the big ones, all those colors just floating-like. Cool. Then to the other one by Artur Barrio who is a povera-like artist, making art with toilet paper… ha I wonder what toilet paper thinks about being used for art purposes hmm.. it was interesting, he shocked people by leaving bags fulll of human waste on streets, on museums… I took it as showing humanity our everyday producings on unexpected places such as nice streets and stuff.

Then the most shocking one was Thomas Hirschhorn.. he’s related to exposing over-consumption, mass manipulation, marxism, class struggle,e tc. His installation was site specific: three continuous rooms looking alike filled with all over scribblings on wall demanding the current situation we’re living in… some rocket-like structures had pictures of injured/dead/abused people all over… and there were couches and sofas entirely packed with duct tape. Keyboards, monitors, mouses, flat screens, wireless phones were also duct-taped to the wall. Graffitis, scribblings in some shelves, in some chimney like structures there were lots of wooden like materials, some huge transversal wood cuts had the words FAITH in them.. as to say, this is material to burn.. really really liked it. Above the chimneys a load of books were there… and even the full list of books was there all regarding information/philosophy of current social status, economics and sociology.. it all was done to make people aware, experience themselves in the mess, really fucking mess we’re in. It’s the most bizarre thing I’ve seen in a museum so far… but probably the one with most practical/direct use. To see people getting shocked or disgusted by the pictures of intestines out of the body, blood all over, arms without the body, broken faces, anguish, etc was quite interesting, at the same time i wanted to yell.. this IS our reality don’t you dare to panic or be disgusted this is YOU. But I didn’t. So it was a Big DO SOMETHING. Tillmans as well had some pretty great info on some tables he had at the end of his exhibition placing info on the current situation of world. Really this time art made me know that they aren’t lost in a beauty pageant. People are aware and these two were european artists huh wonder why? lol
So great experience… I have no shock going out and being afraid of people or something… it’s cool now.
I’ve been eating more than usual… I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat more than I need to just to fill some sort of void.
I came here and ate and backed up some more info to get this pc rebooted soon. And I had to read info on the paintor Vlady… but I really go.. HMM what’s the point… really, what’s the point? and then I wondered about which workshops I’ll choose next semester etc.. I said ‘Stop! you are here, that’s all, don’t worry.’ And I just would like to live in peace with nature, I wouldn’t like to feel guilty anymore for the pain i’m inflicting to myself as the earth, nature. I forgive my self that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for the current world situation we’re living in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an enemy of nature without really desiring to be one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want/need to show others the world we’re living in to make them open their eyes. I realize no one would open them but themselves when they decide they want to do so.

I was wondering how does self expression exist within and as oneness and equality?

Got more Hitler info… each and everysingle point he wrote is… nothing but common sense. And some are horrible things to come but… we’ll have to face that as we’ve been a part of this mess for long time. Yes, I thought about us being innocent as well.. because if we got our minds erased then, how could we know, how could we know that sex isn’t really a nice thing to do? how could we know that creating yourself a perfect world in mind would create the exact opposite.. ah, these were my inner questions but then… I don’t look back and say: stay with what you now know. Yes, is K & I (Knowledge and Information) but… sounds like common sense to me. Perfect enslaved world with no way out, no way to see the deception, no way to figure out this was a perfectly planned cage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tormented by the idea of near future to come.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel worried/exist in anguish towards the experience of myself in the near future.
I forgive myself that I havea accepted and allowed myself to feel anxiety towards knowing the outcome of this whole process on Earth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the future of consciousness not being here as the breath as life. I am not of consciousness
It’s quite something trying to hack the mind. De-humindization has to come, soon, otherwise I really don’t want to see where the glass will spill it all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire hiding and avoiding being present at the time of real mess to come in front of eyes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think this world had a solution with a change. I realize it must completely STOP, not change.

I am glad that artists like these ones exist… if I still get to be into this art world, I would defenitely use this kind of methods to wake peoople up. That’s why I don’t see much point in learning old painting tecniques to keep pictures for 400 years.. there’s no point in that lol.. I’m not into that at all.
Let’s see how I move myself in this while I’m here.

Private forum is the greatest thing ever for self help for all.. I can’t be greateful enough for it, everyone there, it isn’t like we’re friends, no, we’re trying to apply oneness and equality there, being present for everyone. It’s really cool.
I had no school so enjoyed day here at home, tried to dance a bit but noticed I was forcing myself so I stopped.

Hirschhorn quote: “I do not want to invite or oblige viewers to become interactive with what I do; I do not want to activate the public. I want to give of myself to such a degree that viewers confronted with the work can take part and become involved, but not as actors.”

Yep that’s like saying you are it. wake up


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