I was searching for the words ‘compromise’ in the Eqafe search bar and these Life Reviews came up: You See What I Want You to See – Life Review and the follow up of it Stop Your Spiteful Thoughts – Life Review and it brought up some interesting memories about a phase I lived in my life during my high school years – just like the guy that shares his life review – and how I never considered that what I did in terms of how I would speak, behave, look and wear certain clothes was in fact from the starting point of wanting to fight against all the people that I was secretly – and constantly – judging based on having had a desire to ‘fit in’ within certain groups of people, while actually doing so out of fear of being alone or not been seen as ‘the outcast’ etc. Which was in fact a point of self-compromise, which emerged in various ways as I’ll share here.
It all emerged from the constant need to ‘fit in’ when I was in junior high school and compromising myself to the point of doing things just because of wanting to hang out with the people I ‘believed’ I should be getting along with based on what I ‘thought’ was ‘normal’ for a girl to do, like hanging out with other girls, and be gossipy and be focusing on looks and certain kinds of music and clothes that I really didn’t like lol. I then became what I thought was the ‘opposite’ statement of it, to slowly but surely embrace more of my tastes in music and portray that in outfits, and be into more ‘underground’ kind of tastes etc. – stuff that I genuinely liked but that I knew that not many other women liked. Yep, I embraced then getting along better with males as a result of it as well.
I have shared about that phase in my life before in this blog, however I realize how I didn’t see how such ‘rebellious’ personality was a form of spite as a way to ‘stand up’ for me, I never really see it as a form of manipulation or spite and even avenging the past girls that I felt would leave me ‘out’ of their group and regular outings.
This personality suit became a way of placing a mark of ‘I am not like anyone else here’ and at the same time feel special that I had my own ‘one-person-niche’ – or so I believed – and essentially was left alone and would be by myself and I would feel proud of that. What I was able to look back at when listening to these Eqafe audios is how much I masked such deliberate actions – which are yes, a point of self-manipulation – entirely based on wanting others to see me in a particular way, wanting others to ‘leave me alone’ because of considering that I just didn’t want to keep trying to fit in anywhere. There are some cool points that are involved in it as well, like no longer creating a struggle or inner conflict to fit in, but instead pursue my own interests which at the time were essentially and entirely related to music and reading and that sort of thing, so I used books as a point of refuge to spend my time during recess. At the same time, I embraced my actual enjoyment of being learning in school and would no longer feel ashamed of being good at it. That’s where I became even more outspoken and would be up for intellectual and opinionated discussions with some people that eventually became good friends to me, which is another story I’ve shared before as well J
I started allowing myself to be me, surely. But! I do recognize I would take it to that extreme at times and how the whole starting point was also to kind of ‘spite’ the rejection or perception of ‘being left out’ by other groups of girls to the point where I simply stopped wanting to be a part of it, and it truly was for the best in my own eyes based on the kind of habits they got into and ‘ways of having fun’ that I just realized were not at all for me, and I regretted in a way the time I spent trying to fit in. But at the same time, it would still come up with this sort of ‘superiority’ sense that was there as a driving force because of still carrying the inferiority experience of being left out or not fitting in according to what I believed was ‘the right thing to do’
This is how this ‘courageous self’ did contain some spite towards that previous ‘me’ that was too sensitive, trying to fit in, feeling left out and still going through similar experiences as I did in early elementary school where I could not entirely understand people and their desire to talk nastily about others, leave out others on purpose or be simply mean to others. This always felt entirely wrong yet at the same time If I would stand my ground, it would mean I would be alone and I feared it at the time.
I only decided to embrace that aloneness until I was in high school and it was only when I went to art school in my university that I genuinely felt ‘at the right place’ for the most part. Until! I also started walking this process and then another isolation phase emerged, a much tougher one where I placed into question this ‘rebellious’ personality and so it has taken me years to redefine my starting point of how I’ve ‘become me’ as I currently am – however, again, I never realized it was a form of spite in fact. Now I see how that played out, which is good to know in order to not repeat the same again.
What opened up in my dream is how even though I stopped wanting to ‘fit in’ with certain people at school, around that time in high school I also started hanging out with people I believed were ‘the kind of people I wanted to be a part of’ which, were mostly people that would define themselves as ‘different,’ or ‘outcasts’ and they became my best friends and first relationships where I truly felt ‘I belonged’.
What I didn’t see before until now based on the dream and also upon listening to this life review is that, I continued compromising myself or manipulating myself to now be liked or accepted by these ‘new’ individuals in my life, because I still felt that even if we liked the same stuff – preference-based relationships – we had very different principles in fact. I don’t regret it either because those were the relationships that enabled me to understand or get to know more about how our minds work, what emotions can create and get to know some depths into the lives of people that would ‘shape’ themselves in this particular ‘antagonistic’ way. I went along to get to know those that were ‘riding with the devil’ so to speak and I understand that this was almost like an investigative process – as I believe my entire life is lol – to get to understand how these people functioned.
The point of my dream is that I saw myself hanging out with a person from such past times and it seemed like a present time interaction, and I would still compromise myself in saying ‘yes’ or ‘ok’ to things that I didn’t really want to say ’yes’ or ‘ok’ to. It was even a bit more eye-opening when I woke up and I recalled the dream and I almost saw it as if ‘nothing had really happened’ in it. It took me some time to see deeper and recognize how it was quite obvious that I was compromising myself again with that same person, that I would still fear to say ‘No’ to or simply not go along with their plan, because there was still this desire to fit in, to be accepted by this person, and that is where I realized that as much as I believe I have walked through that pattern, the fact that in my dream I still decided to ‘go along with’ and not stand up as in being honest with myself about what I am willing to do or not, means that this aspect is still existing within me. Not surprising though because that’s how most things go when we are working with stuff in our minds, we are not ever really ‘done’ with something because there are many layers to things and experiences we go through in our lives.
I also found it relevant that it came through with the image of a person that caused a big impact in my life for many, many years and how as much as I believe that I’ve ‘overcome’ the whole relationship, my dream came back to let me know “Hmm, I don’t think so!” Lol! There are many layers to things and I am in fact grateful for my dream in letting me know: Hey! You still said ‘yes’ when you clearly were uncomfortable and didn’t want to ‘go along with the plan’ and doing stuff that you are not really into anymore. So why did I say yes?
Wanting to be liked, wanting to be accepted, wanting to preserve certain relationship that I deemed as impossible or almost like a trophy-like situation due to how I perceive this person to be a ‘difficult’ one to be liked by. It is as if I made it a point to be liked by people that have a hard time socializing or have a hard time being understood or being liked by others and then, I would find ways to be one of the ‘few’ that they can get along with – some kind of ‘elitism’ if you will but in a weird way. The reality is that it wasn’t a genuine getting along with, because I would not be fully being honest about what I wanted to do or not, I just would agree and say yes because of that desire to be part of their lives or make them feel ‘right’ which is another aspect of pleasing others as compromise and also as a way to suppress oneself. Why would I do it? To regard myself as ‘better than’ others, to create some form of ‘specialness’ in me based on how others would deem those people as being ‘difficult to deal with,’ I wanted to be ‘the one’ that could make them feel like they were alright and belonged…. I projected my own ‘neediness’ onto them, that’s for sure.
That single point right there of believing that I should ‘do whatever it takes to be part of someone’s life’ is a big point of self-compromise. What exists behind it is suppressing what I really want to be and do. For a young girl this might seem like something ‘common’ to do, but in looking back what I see is all the bits and aspects of myself that would be compromised because of not wanting to ‘let others down’ and disappoint them in whichever expectations I believed they had about who I am and my relationship to them.
This is where the tendency to ‘live someone else’s life’ emerged as well, where I lost track of who I was because all that I did was ‘tag along’ and be like the wallflower that is always there and going along with whatever plan someone else has for me. It was submissive from my side, but I believed that would get me to live the life that I wanted… well! I eventually realized it wasn’t – and thank god for that. This also has to do with having an erroneous sense of what a relationship is, where I believed that I had to agree to everything the other person would think, say and act upon in order to ‘keep the relationship going’ and in that, I didn’t embrace my capacity to dissent and with that, stop living in fear of losing a person or relationship in my life, which was the actual fear existing behind it.
Why did I do that? Because at that time I felt that these were ‘the only people I could ever get along with’ even if their lives didn’t share the same core principles as mine… we had ‘similar personalities’ and ‘similar preferences’ and tastes in music, art, etc. But of course, back then I had no idea of how ‘who they came to be’ was also the rebellious-kind as a way to ‘spite back’ everyone else that would criticize or judge them for ‘not fitting in.’ We were united in our own weaknesses in essence, but I had no way of seeing that or realizing it as I do now.
So, this is a form of ‘ism’ that I lived back then, getting along with people that were outcasts or ‘rebels’ and believing that if I would still feel like I didn’t belong there, then ‘Oh my god! I would not belong anywhere!’ And that, my friends, is the one biggest lie I guess most people fall for when growing up, the idea that we have to ‘fit in’ and compromise, and suppress what one really wants to do because “oh no! they can’t see me alone! I can’t go to the movies alone! I can’t be living on my own! I can’t say I ‘go out’ and go by myself!” And so what did I end up doing for some good five years in my life after I decided to stop wanting to ‘fit in’? I was by myself, I tested my ability to be without relationships and get to embrace me, being me, seeing what I genuinely like to do, what I enjoy doing on my own and that was a beneficial phase in my life of which I eventually realized I also had to step back from and in a way, re-insert myself back into society if you will. It is not like I became a hermit in fact, I would still go to school and get along with people, I just didn’t cultivate any ‘deep relationships’ in reality, except for a few online friends, which I appreciate and were a supportive ground for me even if not in ‘the physical world’ – it was a form of physicality still J
That was a cool testing ground for me to embrace my aloneness and I was sharing about this with a friend yesterday because, somehow we have this ingrained belief that we have to fit in or be accepted by others and that such thing means we have to ‘be entirely like them’ which is actually limiting, because I am discovering the ‘richness’ that there is with people when we gather as individuals and simply realize that there are no ‘two’ or more that are exactly ‘the same’ of course, lol, it’s so simple but it’s still interesting to me how much this idea of ‘fitting in’ or ‘be accepted’ formed a major point of compromise in me.
It is now refreshing or liberating to know that I have no problem in going to certain places on my own while in the past, it would be a simple No-no to go alone to say, the movies. Or go alone on trips or go alone to visit museums or go to concerts alone… I’ve done all of that and I enjoy it. But I also realized that I do enjoy and want to share my life with others and that’s basically where I was able to create a relationship where I can do that and test myself to not compromise, to express me and not hold back or not try and ‘fit in’ anymore lol because there’s really nothing to ‘fit into’ really. I am now at a point within me where I can be me and that been quite liberating and enjoyable. I realize that it wasn’t really ‘others’ that were the problem, but the ways I separated myself from others by defining them in some kind of ‘specialness aura’ that I believed I had to ‘be up to the standards’ for.
I actually thought that I would ‘always’ have to compromise myself in order to be with others – yep! That’s the bugger-belief there, but I’m glad I have realized it doesn’t have to be like that and I explained before how there are simply agreements and working around points to embrace someone else in your life, but that doesn’t represent self-compromise as I’ve described at the beginning of the blog, which is great.
As I mentioned in my last blog on compromise, once that you start living your truth and not compromise any further, it seems that the ‘right people’ arrive at your life or you get to be somehow ‘attracted’ to them in the sense of wanting to talk to them, wanting to get to know them more, or simply by the kind of interest and questions they bring up you kind of realize hey, they seem to be in the same ‘wavelength’ as I am – lol.
And that’s essentially how you can get to find people that are similar in principles of how they live their lives, and when doing this without a desire or need to ‘be in a relationship’ or within a fear of ‘not wanting to end up alone’ – then, cool things open up in sharing your life with others that may also be already quite comfortable on their own. That is also liberating, to not compromise to now ‘hold on’ to someone and ‘fear losing’ someone, or wanting to be ‘accepted’ by someone and within that, lose parts of ourselves that we might regret later on not expressing, or when we believe that we can ‘only be that’ with certain people… our expression is our expression and different aspects of ourselves emerge with different people, so that’s why it’s also cool to meet various kinds of people as different aspects emerge with each one of them, and that’s enjoyable.
So here’s some forgiveness on the points that emerged in my dream to finalize this writing:
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to say ‘Yes’ in the dream to doing things that I actually didn’t want to do and felt somehow compelled to say ‘yes’ just because of having an idea of that one person being and representing the kind of people I thought I wanted to belong to or be a part of, not realizing that the idea of belonging or being a part of a finite group of people is an idea that stems from a desire to be ‘more’ or ‘special’ or ‘different’ to others that I would not be trying to relate to. Therefore believing that I was going to ‘get something good’ out of doing that which this person wanted to do.
I realize that the moment that I go into a constriction within me to do things or behave in a certain way to ‘get along’ with others is me compromising myself, and how that causes me to suppress an aspect of who I am for the sake of ‘being liked, being accepted’ by another – instead of seeing that no one can define me and who I am based on them liking or accepting me or not.
I also realize that I don’t have to ‘belong’ anywhere because I am already part of the whole that we all are J Wanting to ‘belong’ exists as a construct of separation, of specialness, of ‘superiority’ based on how I have defined that person in my life in the past as ‘unique’ and ‘different,’ and ‘intelligent’ and believing that I had to be liked, appreciated or regarded as special by them in order to ‘feel good’ about myself…. Nope, no one can really define my experience or how I feel about myself or who I am at the eyes of others, but myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value and worth to this person in my memories based on the many social contacts he has and how he is in my own eyes regarded as someone that is ‘special’ and ‘unique’ or a ‘one of a kind’ person that seems to be liked by everyone, and in that, desiring to be liked by him as a form of social clout that I could create and so be ‘accepted’ or embraced by people that I thought would be also cool, unique, special in my past, and within that, manipulating me, my genuine expression, behavior and preference just to ‘be part of’ such groups of people.
I have come to realize that I can be me, that I actually had to be me and yes, that left me cutting off some of these relationships and in retrospective, it was for the best because of having very different living principles and as much as I believed it would be close to ‘impossible’ or ‘very hard’ to find people with similar principles, I realize that I found them. Most are living around the world and are part Desteni as well, and a few others I’ve come to know by a similar principle that I explained above when it comes to establishing communication and developing relationships with people that have a similar foundation and one gets to come in contact with them by serendipity.
So, I would say it’s not even something someone has to find because once that one decides to be honest about who one is and how one really wants to be and what one really wants to do, then such people also ‘arrive’ at one’s life one way or another.
Point to learn? To not compromise one’s expression, one’s truth for the sake of ‘being in a relationship’ or ‘fitting in’ with certain groups of people. How else are we going to stop recreating the compromising that exists in society today if we don’t dare to be authentic and unique? It is not ‘easy’ if you, like me, have had tough times in trying to be ‘part of the squad’ type of thing before. But, when looking back, I am glad that even if I allowed compromise in my life in many ways, I did step out of it and placed a complete halt on situations that I knew were not going to enable me to live me, express me and so enjoy being me. And that’s great, because then I got to know more of my capacity, my limits and my weaknesses as well, which I continue to work with identifying and so strengthening of course.
As a last point, as a result of being walking this process with Desteni I’ve come to definitely enjoy being me. I can say I am no longer live this ‘authentic self’ based on spiting others, or attempting to ‘go against the grain’ as what I perceive the majority of society is or does. I have worked on stopping the ‘rebellious act’ as an act of fighting against, and instead live the understanding of what I once was and how I can simply now live and express myself and test out how that goes in various situations. I do want to encourage anyone to dare to step out of any form of compromise and realize that trusting ourselves and learning from daring to be ourselves is the road to be authentic in fact – at least that’s how I am seeing it at the moment.
That way there is no longer a sense or perception of having to please or belong to etc. It’s just an “I am me and you are you and we share and enjoy learning from each other” type of thing. This is what living in equality sounds like to me, and it’s totally doable, takes self-work and self-change, but totally worth it.
Thanks for reading and if you want to nurture your life to have the right set of tools on how to approach virtually any problem or situation you are facing or changing in your life, check out the Eqafe Unlimited plan. You will see you’re worth it.
My previous blog on the topic:
EQAFE.Com : SELF Education and SELF Awareness Store
7 Year Journey To Life Process : People Sharing their Processes of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction
Desteni Forum : Discuss and share with us