Category Archives: self awareness

591. Looking Forward and Missing Out the Life

Or how I’ve realized the expectations I’ve built upon ‘my life’ creating a ‘waiting mode’ for these ‘grandiose things’ yet to happen, instead of appreciating life as it takes place in every moment to truly learn to live.

I’ve been looking at my relationship with ‘meaning’ and I am aware that this might be more of a ‘philosophical’ approach here that I haven’t written out in a while, but it’s equally important to me due to what I’ve been doing recently which is painting again and doing so from a different starting point than how it all ‘once began’ for me in this curiosity and ‘desire to express’ all of these ‘things’ that I wanted to say somehow after having been writing and reading a lot on my own, taking on painting as a way to now ‘do my part’ in not only ‘taking in’ others’ creations, but also expressing it out/giving back something, somehow. That all started during a summer 14 years ago, so here I am 14 years later reflecting on what has been this ‘ride’ with my intent behind painting and ‘arts’ in general and how much of a ‘big deal’ I made of it in my mind.

I notice how I started paintings more as a ‘way of communicating’ something, wanting to ‘express’ something which yes at the time in the plethora of little watercolors I made were all related to feeling sorry for myself, feeling depressed, feeling lonely or painting an ‘ideal lifestyle’ that I would somehow someday get to experience myself in, so in a way yes painting emotional states or ‘ideal situations’ I’d see myself in, painted my fears of the future, my fears of growing up and getting into the ‘adult world’ and in a way wanting to stay within the realm of the ‘eccentric’ out of the ‘usual things’ to do in life, like the regular job and the regular ‘adult lifestyle’ that is completely immersed in the system and living a routine that ‘slowly kills you’ quoting Radiohead’s song which I would have on repeat mode while starting this ‘new thing’ for me to explore at the time which was painting, having no background on it, no painting lessons, no artsy relatives, no nothing, just some drawings here and there that I’d be focusing on during classes, because somehow it assisted me in remaining focused on what was being said.

Focusing here on that ‘desire to express’ to me was my way of ‘creating a meaning’ and ‘creating a purpose’ to something that I had many times judged as trivial, like paintings, stuff that I would fixate on and hang around me just for the pure sake of – as I’ve defined it – ‘visual viciousness’, which  yes I ‘gave up’ for some time apparently while walking this process but, I decided to not make it a fixation anymore or this energized relationship of ‘seeing beautiful things’ around me to give them a name, because some were not necessarily ‘beautiful’ yet they more had a meaning to me. Each thing that I had around me had a ‘meaning’ and I consider that until this day, that can be said so about the bunch of stuff I have around me, so that is an interesting thing to consider as well.

How I got to ‘connect the dots’ to get to open up this topic on ‘meaning’ and wanting to create stuff that would ‘mean’ something or that would ‘express’ something closely related to something ‘transcendental’ or ‘beyond me’ or whatever else I defined as ‘larger than life’ was through having watched Jim Jarmusch’s latest movie Paterson and I must say that his previous movie Only Lovers Left Alive had left quite a ‘deep’ imprint on me at the time when I watched it and yes, was very emotional and dealt with a ‘touchy’ subject for me at the time, and when I watched this one, at first I was like ‘meh’ because! I didn’t get that ‘transcendental experience’ from it – read energetically charged and overwhelming experience – I didn’t get this ‘life changing’ insta-realization from it or didn’t get a floor-moving type of outcome from it –  or at least I thought so initially. But of course I didn’t accept that to be ‘my final verdict’ on it as it was more of an ‘out of the movie theatre’ experience, though I had been aware that I had been in fact ‘disturbed’ while watching it in a certain way by the whole thing unfolding and not only because of ‘the movie’ in itself, but due to observing my approach towards It and what it had brought up in me while watching it.

So I challenged myself to see further, to see how I had been in fact disturbed by it, because of the role that routine takes in the movie and how we are creatures of routine, everything that happens day to day is ‘the same routine’ – sun comes up, sun goes down and we have to do what we have to do to keep alive – and then there’s the rest of ‘in between’ moments where our lives happen, and that’s where I noticed myself being almost ‘yearning’ for something different to happen, where I saw myself in this ‘waiting-mode’ for this ‘grand thing’ to happen in the whole movie… and it doesn’t – or shall I say it just ‘didn’t happen’ the way I was kind of expecting. In the movie, life unfolds, things just ‘take place’ and within realizing my expectations, I saw how I was in fact challenged on that, I saw how this ‘looking forward’ impulse in me was there the whole time until something kind of ‘unexpected’ happens and it becomes like a ‘start over’ in the film, but there was a slight sense within me throughout the whole thing of ‘is this it?’ and so expecting some ‘major’ event happening, some major ‘plot twist’ that would suddenly take me to the edge of my seat, lol even though I am aware of how Jarmusch’s movies are, there was still that kind of expectation within me… well it never happened and I am glad it didn’t, or more like it didn’t happen ‘during the movie’ but more on how it assisted me to reflect things about myself, my own life and day to day approach.

What this movie showed me is how much of a ‘waiting mode’ I create within life, where I’ve been ‘waiting for my life to happen’ so many years, waiting to ‘get somewhere’ or ‘go and live somewhere else’ for years only to realize that’s not really where I actually wanted to go to, yet I kept my whole day to day in ‘waiting mode’ for that and sort of ‘doing my thing’ in between, not really fully ‘living’ but again quoting Radiohead, it felt like just ‘killing time’ until I would ‘get there’ and I just didn’t.

What this film made me appreciate again is the simplicity of life happening on a day to day basis, where we cannot ever ‘get rid of’ routine, in fact it was a great test to be OK  with witnessing this whole routine unfolding throughout a week and not getting ‘desperate’ in it or go into some sort of backchat around how ‘this was so predictable’ because in essence it could be defined as such – but I decided to choose to rather appreciate the ‘moment by moment’ situations in the film and let go of expecting these ‘grand situations’ coming up, and instead appreciate the normalcy of it for ‘what it is’ which of course it has a lot of charms in it that had been carefully built in throughout the whole film that I also in that moment got to enjoy.

It was also interesting because I had written out before about my relationship to routine itself, but something changes when you are witnessing someone else’s routine, specially within the context of a movie which opened up new points for me to explore, and that’s great, because it also made me realize how I cannot really ever say ‘I’m clear towards that word/concept’ it’s a constant opening, evolving, changing thing based on how we interact with everything and everyone else.

Once that the film was over, the fact that my ‘great expectations’ were sort of by default deflated, I was pushed to ‘rewind’ it in my head to then see what it was really all about for me and how there wasn’t this ‘great meaning’ to it, this ‘transcendental outcome’ that I was expecting, but how it all depends on ‘who I am’ within watching it and so rather seeing what I decide to appreciate or take from the movie as a sheer enjoyable experience of immersing myself in this guy’s life and his day to day living for a week and ‘all that happens in between.’

This led me to see how even if I ‘thought’ of myself as not being conditioned by the ‘great plots’ and ‘great twists’ in stories, I had become somewhat ‘hooked’ on that kind of narratives because they end up engaging more of an emotional experience than a simple witnessing of life happening – everyday living happening – which also reminds me of a similar Japanese movie I also watched not long ago called After the Storm in a similar vein where the character is already a mature man that seems to be waiting for some things yet to ‘happen’ in his life  and there’s no big ending on the story, but more like the resolution of how he had to simply ‘keep walking his life’ and letting go of these hopes he held about his career and personal life. I also got to enjoy the movie for the depiction that it is of ‘regular lives’ without any transcendental events, just  ‘normal day to day’ relationships unfolding and the ‘charms’ in life as it unfolds.

My redefined approach to these movies assisted me to see how there has been this ‘waiting for the great moment’ type of approach to my life,  just like that ‘climax’ that we many times believe will somehow end up happening in our ‘life story’ and will ‘forever change us’ and will ‘forever be this grand moment’ but, that’s more like how I realize I have been conditioned to THINK of life, instead of actually Living it, as is, in its day to day, without expectations, without ‘waiting modes,’ without ‘creating these perfect moments’ that I probably got to read a lot about in books and that I many times tried to recreate in my own life through relationships and through the kind of paintings I would make, where I wanted to evoke this ‘superb’ experience, this ‘epicness’ that could somehow scare you and frighten you and give you this sense of this ‘bigger than life’ meaning that …. Well, I have to now realize has been my own ‘mindjob’ to be honest and how I am rather being grateful to once again through art and in this case through films and documentaries be able to ‘get myself off of my high horse’ and appreciate what I had previously seen as the ‘insignificant things in life’, the day to day, the Living moment, rather than being in my head holding this ‘grand expectations’ for ‘greater meanings, greater purposes’ over my shoulders about this ‘epic event’ or ‘climatic moment’ in my life that is apparently ‘yet to come.’

I once made a lithograph that reads ‘never wait’ and the face has got this anguished experience because that’s for the most part how I spent many years in my life, waiting for ‘my life to happen’ in some sort of ‘waiting for someone to knock at your door, discover your real talents and make you have a great life’ type of thing… not really realizing that life is not about building these ‘great outcomes’ or ‘grand schemes’ or ‘big climatic epic moments’ but it IS all about everything in between from the moment we are aware of ourselves as individuals to our last breath, it is ALL of our life, from the ‘greater changes’ and decisions to the ‘smallest’ moments.

I decide to stop living as a walking-expectation in ‘waiting mode’ for this ‘something great’ to happen to me… if anything, I am living it as I speak, we are all kinds of ‘miracles’ of life considering how far we’ve pushed ourselves in this world to coexist and have relatively ‘normal lives’ with all the inner and outer chaos that we recreate within and without on a daily basis… It showed me how much I have taken ‘normalcy’ for granted as well when it comes to polarizing my experience to that of the most unfortunate majority in this world that surely cannot even afford to spend a couple of hours watching a movie about ‘life unfolding’ because their own is not even being ‘lived fully’ but only ‘survived through.’

All of these points make me place my life into perspective, not to make me feel ‘bad’ or ‘insignificant’ with my topics opened up here when polarized and compared to ‘those that are suffering in this world,’ because of course anything will seem petty and meaningless when going into comparison with anything that stands as manifested consequences that yes, we will have to sort out altogether; but I’ve also learned to not attempt and try to ‘save the world’ without first living one’s life in an actual self-aware manner, and so beginning within changing the way I approach ‘life itself’ for example, stepping down from this ‘grand idea’ of all of these ‘meaningful things’ that I wanted to create and say and express in my head and rather equalize the meaning to every moment that I am alive – no more, no less – it’s there for me to decide who I am in it.

I’ve been aware of how far out I’ve gone to when it comes to ‘judging things’ but this is part of how I’ve created my own limitations/ fears and ideals in relation to anything in life, any part of ‘what’s here’ and that’s all based on how I’ve judged things, people, places, situations, events, outcomes as either good, bad, exciting, dull, depressive, joyful, and creating preferences around ‘what I want to experience’ instead of embracing life as a whole, as the compendium of all of these things as ‘what life is about,’ which is not about seeking an ‘experience’ all the time or finding any grand meanings, not about making these ‘transcendental pictures’ or wanting to ‘save the world’ or ‘save others from themselves’, but about getting to live fully in my own life and with those around me and in the relationships that I create.

For now I do see that if we all did this, a lot of the existential anguish as I like to call it would fade away and we would start reconsidering what ‘living’ and ‘life is really about – maybe we would start embracing and appreciating our life in every moment, ‘as it happens,’ where in my particular case I choose to take it also as an opportunity to create myself in every moment as the person I am aware I can live with for the rest of my life, where I can enjoy those seemingly ‘repetitive moments’ by stopping judging ‘repetition’ as a ‘boring’ thing or ‘uneventful’ thing, and in that sense stopping looking for these ‘grand experiences in my life,’ but simply take life as is

Some events will surely ‘shake us’ more than others, but it’s all part of living, it cannot happen ‘every day’ nor would it even be sane to live that way in a ‘high rollercoaster of emotions’ because we of course take a toll on our bodies if that was even a possibility… it just can’t and I shouldn’t even expect that as ‘LIFE happening…’ that’s not living, that’s a constant yearning to be forever stimulated into a perception or energized experience of living, but it’s not living as such.

I’d like to rather consider the simplicity of things, which yes I have before in my photography practice tried to also ‘turn into something more’ than what it is when taking pictures of ‘garbage’ or what I would judge as ‘deprecating things or ‘meaningless stuff’ and give it a spot through my eyes in a desire to make it beautiful or ‘sublime’ or whatever else, but that’s still me wanting to make things ‘more’ than what they are… and that’s not the point either.

Here I can instead look back at my physical body as a reference of what ‘life is’ and extend the same approach that my body lives on a day to day basis to ‘how I live life.’ It goes through its ups and downs at times, there are entire seasons where everything is just ‘fine’ and working well, it just ‘is’, it moves, it digests, it grows, it decays, it goes through its processing and challenges due to whatever I do or not do with it on my day to day, but it doesn’t NEED any meaning to exist, my body doesn’t require these ‘transcendental experiences’ to keep itself alive, it just lives, it just exists, it just keeps breathing whether I am aware of it or not, and I am entirely grateful for it because, man, we all know that we would not be existing right here and right now if we had to entirely manage every single process that is consciously done by our physical body in itself and at the same time handle ourselves as our mind and being…  it’s a marvelous thing yet, I’ve already shared before as well how much I had taken it for granted.

This same approach is what I decide to integrate in my life from now on and even in this week after watching that movie on Sunday, it has assisted me to ‘slow’ down’ in that sense in my ‘waiting-modes’ and ‘building expectations’ towards something eventually ‘happening’ in my life which are still there as potential outcomes, yet I have been deliberately focusing more on this ‘moment by moment’ approach, and more so, to not judge ‘the moment’ as ‘more or less’ than anything, to not seek to make every moment ‘larger than life’ lol, because that would be me in my mind wanting to still exist as some form of stimulation, an ‘experience’, a ‘meaning separate from myself’ in my head rather than taking life as it happens and living it to the best of my ability in that moment, pushing myself to in my case and current point of focus, stop looking ‘forward’ to anything, but be fully present and in that creating an awareness more towards my physical body, my own experience, how I ‘see things’, how I relate to people, how I perceive my environment, etc.

All of this is also a result of a great series of interviews related to many of these points I’ve opened up and that I am quite grateful for because it has assisted me to identify where I am still very much in my mind looking at life, instead of actually Living it, so I suggest checking them out to genuinely ‘enlighten’ ourselves for once and for all about what’s really REAL in this world and that I had definitely taken for granted.

Redefining Physical – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 109

Redefining Physical (Part 2) – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 110

Redefining Physical (Part 3) – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 111

 

I’ll continue with more on the ‘meaning’ and paintings in another blog…

 

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


587. Adapting to the New instead of Wallowing in the Old

Or walking through an experience of ‘standing up’ in my dream and not going into past patterns upon seeing familiar ‘triggering points’ to do the opposite before.

 

I had a dream about moving to a new city to live with my partner and essentially finding myself in a completely new environment where things didn’t quite turn out ‘as I had expected’ initially, which means that the creation of expectations was the comparison point that I used to define that ‘the way things turned out’ was not satisfactorily or how I had ‘painted’ it in my mind. Even more so what became evident is how I had idealized the relationship with my partner and that once that we were in that moment of ‘settling it’, nothing was as I imagined it to be. I’d perceive him as being rather detached/distant, offish, lackadaisical, moody, not really wanting to go out once that we had arrived to our destination and in that it was interesting that even if the environment, situation and things weren’t as ‘I had imagined them to be’ I still decided to then be the one that would go out on my own and start meeting up with people, where I made that decision to move and ‘find my way’ in it, instead of what I probably would have done before which is to wallow and go into a similar ‘state of mind’ as I would see my partner do, which is something that resembles more of previous relationships I’ve been in and how yes, there has been people in my life that would definitely act this way and I would allowed myself to be also discouraged, to also go into a ‘depressed’ mode, but not anymore. However I’ll walk through how I made that change within me. 

 

Upon noticing how things would really be like in that situation, there was an initial ‘disillusionment’ in it as well upon seeing reality for what it was and not through the eyes of my ‘dreams’ or ideals and expectations, which I can identify as a ‘grounding’ moment as well to not build or create any expectations or idealize potential outcomes or future situations, but rather be able to work with ‘what’s here’ in the moment, which applies to anything in my life, to build and create something in the moment rather than future projecting, planning, idealizing something ‘too much’ out there in a distant future and this is how through the dream I became aware of my participation in this in a ‘background’ manner to bring it to the front and be more directive in relation to it.

 

As I was walking through or ‘processing’ what was my new reality arriving to live in a new country, with new people, I made a decision to not wallow into an experience of disappointment or disillusionment but instead, I made a decision to not give into a depression or plain ‘down’ experience and instead decide to literally go out and start creating my way, starting to talk to people that in my dream were ‘familiar’ ones actually which seems uncanny in a ‘new city’ but I get the gist of it as in ‘leading my way through it’, which then got me back to seeing how I decide how I experience myself in any circumstance, I define who I am in it – and within this not seeing places or people as limitations, but rather see through the eyes of opportunities as new environments, new ways, new challenges to adapt into, to overcome, to find my way through and so live adaptability and flexibility.

 

I also see it as something where once that one gives a certain step into this kind of life changes, such as moving to another place to live and start ‘a new life’ there, no matter what the inconveniences are such as ‘hot weather’ or ‘foreign language’ or ‘the people around me not acting the way I expected’ to realize that it’s still entirely up to me who I decide to be in it, which is what I did in the dream.

 

For example, I first have to decide who I would like to be in such situations, instead of going into my mind to see it all as a ‘mistake’ and going into some kind of ‘backing off’ from my decision, which I was slightly doing initially in my dream which felt like a ‘sinking’ or ‘wallowing’ physical experience – yes in the dream – until I decided to take the steps to literally ‘put myself out there’ as it’s said and that changed my whole experience in the moment, from that ‘sinking’ experience or even ‘depressive’ experience or ‘missing’ experience to ‘I decide to create how I live and what I’d like to create in this moment’ and ending up seeing myself enjoying the company of more people that I’d get to connect with there.

 

Here opening up a bit more about expectations which I’ve tested out and realized in my life are usually a certain road that leads to disappointment, disillusionment and most probably a belief that ‘nothing is as good as it seemed’ because we tend to create ‘ideal conditions’ in our minds based on how we would ‘like’ things to be, on our limited preferences and one thing we know about reality is that life is never what we want it to be and that’s how it definitely should be from my perspective, otherwise, how else would we learn to grow, expand and adapt ourselves, to get ‘new bits’ of ourselves created within the purpose of expanding our lives within and without of ourselves?

 

I also saw how creating expectations is linked to a desire for control which is also one of those ‘biggie’ points that I’ve been walking through in my life, and so making peace with the reality fact that we can’t really know how anything will in be for certain until we are living it here, in the moment. We can’t ever really have control over ‘how things are going to be,’ we cannot control at all the conditions, outflows, potentials and variables in any point of our lives, we can only control and direct and so change ourselves in it.

 

So to me the word that I’ve been looking at is the capacity to Adapt to the circumstances, to be flexible and enjoy myself in doing so, where instead of going into a ‘closing off’ within me upon seeing certain ‘hurdles’ on the road, I decide to push through and decide to see things from the starting point of potentials to develop, to see it as a challenge as well and not at all participating in the idea of ‘going back’ to my comfort zone, but instead walk through the perceived ‘unexpected’ experience and eventually see that as with any change, sure there’s an initial ‘settling time,’ there’s a moment to adjust, there are challenges, changes which is all part of getting out of one’s comfort zone, which is precisely where I want to be in my life really. Ultimately that’s definitely what makes one grow and expand as a person and with those around oneself as well, like in my case of the dream to now allow me and my experienced to be defined by the one that my partner in that moment was going through, but be a living example of creating the experience that I wanted to create in that moment, of course not just for the sake of ‘experience’ but in consideration of what I was there to do as a purpose I am creating for myself, which is very much linked to connecting with more people.

 

So, it was cool for me to not go into this ‘sinking’ experience as I would usually go into when having my expectations not ‘meet reality’ and instead embrace reality as is, no mind-preferences attached.

 

I have to be quite devoid of expectations towards my life wherein yes, I can have a distinctive direction and decision on what I’m about to live and do, but I am aware I cannot control all factors or have things be like this ‘perfect dream’ in my mind, but instead be open and flexible in whatever I decide to create and participate in, be willing and ready to take on ‘whatever comes’ and more importantly to trust myself in that no matter ‘what’ goes around or where I am: I am here, I can expand, I can adapt, I can learn, I can grow and if all things eventually don’t lead to the outcome that is best for myself and others, to again not be afraid to take a different road and walk through it from the start. 

 

Because that’s ultimately what was also an underlying experience in the dream, like ‘what if this was a mistake?’ ‘what If I made a wrong decision?’ and in existing within that fear of making mistakes, I’ve limited myself a lot before within fearing to make a different decision, to change my situation because of fearing failure ultimately or ‘things not working out,’ but I’ve been learning a thing or two about this as well in my life recently and having the guts to make radical changes and learn what it means to start anew, therefore I’m clear on that as well.

 

Ok so that’s a simple example of how yes, dreams to me at times become a very clear way to ‘walk through’ something that exists at deeper levels within me or that I have been participating in without fully opening it up and because it comes up in such a clear manner, it definitely prompts me to not avoid it, but look at it and rather see it as a gift to not ‘leave the points aside’ and take them on to see ‘who am I’ in relation to what I went through in the dream and utilize them as a cross reference, like in this case it was a way to verify that I am integrating this self-change in all aspects of myself – awake and asleep – which is cool.

 

I also see that whatever I projected onto the environment or the people in it don’t define ‘them’ but define me and aspects of myself that I’ve lived in my own life before or that or previous partnership situations where I have in fact allowed myself to ‘settle in’ with people that would not want to support themselves, and so in a way feeling restricted because of having to ‘be’ with someone that required a lot more time to eventually get to a point – if any – of self-support.

 

So I can only look back at myself whenever I see that I am existing as such detachment, coldness, aloofness or ‘offish’ experience to snap myself out of it. Doesn’t really happen to me lately, I can honestly say that, but I have surely existed as this before in my life and as with anything, we see in others what exists within ourselves, either in an active or passive manner so again, it’s up to me to also see who I would decide to be towards someone that I am perceiving is ‘subsumed’ in such experience and what I would decide to do in order to assist them in such situations, which in that case I decided to be an example of not going ‘into an experience’ but go out there and live out what I decided to do there.

 

Check out these awesome audios that touch upon a similar situation in someone’s life and how they ‘picked themselves up’ from it.

Thanks for reading!

 

Running Away from Detachment

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


567. I Matter: 1,2,3 Change!

Or how to short-cut ‘the process of change’ by seeing straight into the words ‘I Matter’

It’s been quite interesting to open up this point of ‘I matter’ in the past days and generally getting a sense of what the words together mean for different people, which can be read in a group chat we had yesterday here: I MATTER – what does that practically mean? – 31 May 2017 – I had an idea about it until today that I listened to a broader explanation of it in this and opened up a different aspect of what these words mean in fact.

I’m not a native English speaker and I’ve basically used English to also integrate new meanings, words and points of change in my life which has been quite supportive considering that it was almost like a ‘new platform’ for me to start creating on. The word ‘matter’ and its immediate association within me is in relation to the ‘prime matter’ or that which we are all made of, life itself, what we ‘consist of’ and also a bit of a connotation in relation to ‘problems,’ but I had not personally looked at the meaning of saying ‘I matter’ as in – for a lack of a better meaning –‘I am important, I am relevant’ type of association, which now I see in the past I could have had some reactions to as well considering that in my younger years, I truly saw ‘no point’ to my life or existence and was in a way ready to give up on myself/everything, which I am glad I never actually acted up on, but I can definitely know how it feels to believe that there’s no relevance, importance or ‘meaning’ ultimately to one’s life.

So, currently my experience and relationship to these words ‘I matter’ is much more of a physical relationship of being able to see within me ‘who am I as matter’ as this body/mind/being that I am existing as in any given moment and within that, prompt myself to see if that’s what I want to be expressing and living as ‘matter’ as the matter that I am – meaning as the body, the thoughts, the actions, the intent, the words that I am living – in any given moment and from there, see if I can make a decision to change, to imprint a new direction, initiate movement, create a point of expansion.

Another way to associate the words ‘I matter’ to me is to see myself in a moment, and if what I exist at the moment is a ‘problem’ or is an experience that I’d like to change, then I associate the words ‘I matter’ to both realizing myself as the problem AND the solution existing within me at the same time – how? By directing myself in practical actions in the moment to change my experience.

A basic example here: if I see myself drowning in a point of inaction or laziness towards doing something, that’s where I can ask myself ‘what am I existing as and imprinting on, living/expressing as ‘the matter that I am’ in this moment? And if this is existing as procrastination, then what do I know? I can decide in the moment to change into actually getting to do what I was ‘tempted’ for a moment to leave for later. That’s a very simplistic way of looking at this whole point of self-change, it can happen in the moment and it doesn’t require a ‘lag’ to eventually ‘be ready’ for something – it can be done in the moment by deciding to just do it, willing myself to it and give myself the direction for it. I matter = 1,2,3 change!

See this is what I found most supportive from the following interview I listened to today here Practically Defining “I Matter” (Part 2) – Atlanteans – Part 472 of which I will of course share as well all the precedent ones that explain step by step this fascinating point of transforming the notion of having a ‘purpose’ in life into this starting point of ‘I Matter’, and I noticed how upon looking at the words ‘purpose’ yes, my mind goes into this grandiose idea of it, something to be done ‘in the future’ and to build up on day by day yes but still somewhat unreachable, not entirely ‘here’ as something that I should apparently ‘attain’ much later on in life, which leaves one in a way ‘waiting for’ or ‘wondering’ about what such purpose is supposed to mean, which translates into inaction and lack of direction.

One can also decide to live purpose on a daily basis in the same way that one can take the words ‘I Matter’ and make the changes of habits, patterns, make the necessary decisions and alterations to our day to day and make it more supportive for ourselves. We all know the points we’d like to change about ourselves, and if one doesn’t know, well! That’s an opportunity to start writing out what kind of changes would be great to implement in one’s life.

The awesome thing about this is that in saying ‘I matter’ to me it shortcuts a lot of the perceived ‘processing’ needed in order to change and instead, I can see straight to the point what I need to change, to let go of, to implement, to direct, to ‘dare’ to do, to push myself to move and create, to say things when I feel I should ‘keep quiet’, to transcend the fear to ‘make a move’ and instead do it and see what happens, what opens up, what I can learn about it and the list can go on.

All of these moments are here in our lives, every day and I can now decide to remind myself of ‘I matter’ in order to embrace the potential that is already here as myself/my life/my physical body/my mind/my decisions/my actions and the totality of what I can act upon and yes, invariably of course as a result of doing this affect and create an impact on the rest of the matter that is also here as myself, which is ultimately life, this world, people primarily and the relationships that I decide to create, nurture and grow with along with myself.

Check out the awesome series of recordings that will assist a lot in understanding more about this ‘I matter’ point if you’re the kind of person that like myself and many more have struggled a bit with considering ‘life’s meaning’ and ‘my purpose in life’ – time to simplify it and get our hands on the matter or on the matters at hand

 

I’ll continue sharing more of a personal point in coming blogs that opened up within looking at the difference between purpose and ‘I matter’ in practical sense.

Thanks for reading

 

Artwork009 Green


526. Who Are You Today? Asks Life

What I’ve been noticing more in the past days is how whenever there are points of change in our lives, an opportunity to face new patterns, behaviors, habits opens up at the same time, because change always means stepping out of the status quo where new doors open, some others close and we see ourselves suddenly being in a ‘new path’ where we are there standing in a different position, which at the same time means being in places, circumstances, relationships that might be new for us or that we had not experienced for some time before.

These ‘new situations’ also open up ‘old patterns’ or behavioral traits that I thought I had completely ‘transcended’ within myself, only to now realize that I had simply stopped them because of making of another person, context or situation the ‘pillar’ of such ‘transcended point’ or change within me.

An example is in relation to self-acceptance and self-worth wherein I have had a time before where I was genuinely comfortable about it, then for some time it got replaced with the notion of being ‘accepted’ by others, and when this point of ‘acceptance by others’ got challenged, then I saw myself going back to a previous ‘default’ mode of believing that I have self-acceptance issues, just because of not having a reference as to ‘who’ is ‘accepting me’ currently – as perceived by myself. And it’s good that this opened up because I could see a lot of judgments, beliefs, opinions, perceptions that I had created as ‘self-definition’ towards myself in relation to others and this way, through self-forgiveness and being self-honest it enabled me to take all of those points back to myself, where I am no longer relying on others to live these words as myself.

This is an essential aspect of this process as well wherein sometimes we dislike or even resist or judge seeing certain experiences within us coming up again after believing that we had ‘transcended’ them completely, but we are the only ones that can stop the judgment and instead decide to embrace these eventualities that bring up these points again, because we will most likely face these kind of changes more than once in our lives, where suddenly what seemed like a point of certainty, stability, comfort and self-acceptance can be shattered or ‘burst’ as a bubble completely in one moment, and that’s where the only certainty is having to again check with ourselves and assess ‘who we are’ in the midst of that. If what emerges are old patterns of prejudices, inferiorities, emotional experiences, then what do we know? We’ll have some stuff to work on to align those points back to ourselves, hence the analogy of ‘peeling the layers of the onion’ being applied to this process because that’s how it goes, we’ll face similar or the same patterns according to various contexts and life situations, all of them there on our plate to face them and change ourselves as needed.

It’s only common sensical to do this, because by now I am not conceiving this process form consciousness to self-awareness as a ‘once off’ point of application and believing that I will be transcended about one aspect or points within myself and my mind for the rest of my life – it’s not so. This process is more like a constant process of regular check-ups, alignment and correction within oneself, just like our bodies function where if we once get sick of a flu and we manage to overcome it and strengthen our bodies to be back on track, it still doesn’t mean we won’t ‘ever’ get the flu again.

The same applies to points in our process that rear their head from time to time again, which I am also learning to grateful for, because it’s life pushing us to see, check and ask within ourselves: who are you in the face of having ‘this’ point of stability, self-acceptance or sense of ‘certainty’ shattered? What remains of you if a person, situation or context that you’ve defined as comfort is suddenly no longer there? What do you require to change and integrate as living words within yourself to stand as all of those words for and as yourself, instead of living them ‘through’ something or someone else?

These are the benefits of change and stepping out of a status quo which we can also do through exploring who we are in relation to any seemingly ‘subtle’ experiences we get throughout our day and that’s also stepping out of a ‘comfort zone’, to use these tools of self support to investigate ourselves, our minds, our starting points – wherein there’s no need for an actual ‘external change’ to happen as a form of consequence in order for us to ‘wake up’ and see who we are in it all.

This process of seeing ‘who we are’ in relation to something or someone can be done as a regular preventive measure so as to ensure that we are not defining any aspect of ourselves in relation to something or someone, such as relationships, money, a job position, a particular set of intellectual or physical skills, a particular health-condition, shape and condition of our bodies, amount of knowledge one can have about something, etc.  And that’s how we can then ensure that we can ‘know where we stand’ in the eventuality of having our environment, life situation or general status change in our lives in a relative fast pace.

What remains is always oneself here and that’s what I consider is most valuable in this process where we can take all of the bits and parts we have separated and scattered around in ‘others’ from ourselves and instead look at ensuring that we are our very own source of words to live as an expression of ourselves, as a whole, as one and equal with the life that is within us all. To me these are strength, stability, assertiveness, self-worth and self-acceptance, no matter what.

Thanks for reading.

 

Suggested interview that can assist you in opening up similar points to this:  Are You Impressed: Impressing Self – Atlanteans – Part 463

 

La Ilusión de este mundo es nuestra realidad

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


524. Redefining Routine

Or The Gift of Responsibilities and Discipline on a day to day basis as a point of stability and consistency in my life

What I’ve discovered more and more through this process is how once that one decides to walk through an experience and does all the necessary work to see behind the ‘veil’ of such experience, what one will finds is oneself, the potential that we have to be in fact ‘here’, directive, content, grounded, stable and embracing the walk of life even during seemingly difficult or tough times.

What I looked at today was the benefit of having responsibilities and getting to fulfill as a point of stability in my life which I am in fact grateful for, as well as self-discipline that can be applied to taking on responsibilities and fulfilling them – but I also see discipline more in the context where one doesn’t ‘have to do something’ as an obligation, requirement or commitment with a second party, but discipline in things that we decide to do for ourselves, for the benefit, enjoyment and self-expansion of it.

An example can be how I know that it sucks whenever I over sleep and I’ve ‘squandered’ some 1 or 2 hours in sleeping over the usual time, which has happened after going through somewhat emotionally charged days or extensive physical work which doesn’t really happen in my life currently but has in the past. I generally dislike that experience and as much as I’ve stopped being moody about it, it’s one of those things where one simply didn’t get to use that time of the day for what was planned because of ‘oversleeping.’

So, a simple point for me can be to be diligent in waking up, sometimes reminding me of how I dislike the experience of missing out those hours of the day, sometimes because I enjoy waking up before the sun rises and I enjoy going out for a jog during the dawn and enjoying that there are not too many cars, that there’s not a scorching sun upon me and that there’s the chilliness of morning times, which is a constant here no matter what season we’re in. I discovered I genuinely enjoy doing this because I get to go to the park and be in such an environment even if for only half an hour a day and then I come back and feel content with myself, satisfied that I was able to wake up and direct myself to do that and can continue with my day which I also like to see as this continuation of activities – from one to the other, to the next – and sometimes fitting them like a puzzle according to the day, the plans that I have and making it work, which usually works but sometimes there are things that come out of nowhere and I also have to learn to be more flexible on that and not lose ‘track’ of myself that way, which I still have to work on.

So, in a way I am finding how doing seemingly ‘simple’ things as part of my day are quite grounding, supportive and a point of stability in my life – to me schedules work as an integral part of who I am in my day, I plan instinctively but in the sense of fitting things in certain timeframes and according to the set-times for certain meetings – and I am the only one that would be causing myself an ‘overload’ or delay of something if I don’t simply direct myself to do it as it is required. Of course procrastination is still something I have to work on, especially in doing things that I believe they have no ‘value’ for myself, which I will be working on fairly soon as well and challenging such rigidity in myself.

I personally enjoy going out for long walks when it’s windy and sunset time and I don’t know what it is but there’s nothing that is more enjoyable to me than that, it’s just feeling the wind and walking and if I’m listening to music it creates a complement where I get to enjoy the moment for and as myself. Same if I decide to go to the movies and watch a movie that I can reflect on for myself or enjoy for the visuals of it – I’m more allowing that to myself after having lived some years of almost no movies. I truly was living a little bit like a monk, which was ok to test out my relationship with things like music and entertainment, but lately I’ve been reincorporating more of this in my life because it is part of the things I can enjoy for myself and that I can do within my current life situation.

Of course all of this integrated with the rest of my day to day responsibilities and routines that I have to say in my case, have been a point of stability, of consistency that becomes more than just a ‘doing’ or ‘getting something done,’ but more of a way in which I am able to now approach a ‘routine’ not with the eyes that I used to before in the sense of going ‘oh no, not again the same, sameness, same old, ah, I need change, need a break’ or any of that –

interestingly enough, by now if I had repeated that kind of reactions every single day, today I was actually reflecting in how even the simple movement of coming to the computer and turning it on by now would have been something I would be physically rejecting or reacting to do, if I had continued to build reactions towards my every day, including daily self-care tasks which yes I had a time where I was reacting to the very fact of having to go to the toilet or having to eat, having to do all of these things on a daily basis. It may sound strange to some, but if you can relate to it: been there, done that and I had to stop my reactions, realize I am the only one creating them and instead embrace physicality, embracing the physical routine because that’s quite a certainty of our lives, day followed by night completing a day and ‘repeat’ the next day – that’s also a point of stability in fact, and I’ve learned to see it as such rather than ‘predictable’ and ‘boring’ or whatever else.

So what changed? Certainly not the length of day and night or any of that, but myself, entirely deciding to live my day to day in a way where I can be stable throughout it all, no matter how many times I will ‘rinse and repeat’ the same thing, because I stopped projecting ‘the future’ and my life based on the amount of days I believe I will be doing the same (or the amount of years I will get to live, because who knows! We don’t even have the next breath assured, really) but instead have actually learned to live a day and giving it what I am capable of in that one day, dare I say I am not yet in that ‘fullest potential’ for sure, and that’s what I’ll continue working on.

This also comes back to something that I decided to live on from when I was in junior high school and I read somewhere a quote along the lines of never losing the ability to be astounded – but I saw it not so much in terms of the ability to react in wonder or amazement or a ‘high’ experience of sorts, but simply in being able to rediscover oneself every day, by developing self-awareness. I’ve heard so many people say that they get bored, and I used to as well, but since I got to be aware of this process, there hasn’t been a day I have defined as ‘boring’ because there’s always something to do, we  simply got more than enough to ‘do’ with getting to really know ourselves and ‘debunking’ where our lies hide and getting real and honest with ourselves to change all of that which we dislike in ourselves, what we know will harm us and eventually destroy us or sabotage us.

I understand that initially it may seem – and I repeat SEEM, because it’s always an experience, therefore it’s only energy – as if it was difficult to get to a point of clarity in relation to something, to even wake up with a ‘clear’ experience to start your day, your ‘routine’, but all I can say is hold on to yourself and stick to the wheel, keep driving and navigating yourself through the seemingly stormy weather, it too shall pass and if you don’t give up or recoil back to fear during a storm, you will get to see the skies clear up and you’ll see yourself remaining standing. And that is something I can call a genuine strength, a perseverance and consistency, a result of discipline, clarity and stopping participation in reactions to our ‘day to day’ living – we decide which words define us – I personally prefer to keep cultivating discipline, consistency, perseverance and dedication rather than any other emotional outburst that I know will only drop me back to ‘square one’ in whichever development I am attempting to create in my life.

A last pointer here, to not get lost in the experience, but to get active and ‘on track’ on a day to day basis, this is the best gift we can give to ourselves on a daily basis, to dignify our lives with the responsibilities we have, with the care that we can give us because the moment we go into an experience about doing these basic things in our life related to physical care and work, responsibilities, relationships or anything that we know we have to face day by day, we are only preparing a road full of reactions and endless sources of Inner-conflict – because it’s not about ‘the world, the people, the relationships or the tasks’, never – it’s all about who we decide to be in relation to it all.

I suggest to rather consider or ‘keep in mind’ the potential that is right here as ourselves, in our very physical body that is being powered breath by breath – if we simply decide to do it, to move through the storm and stick to moving ourselves by living principles, continuing to clear ourselves up with writing, self-forgiveness and laying out corrective applications, then we will see the benefits of this process and understand what I mean here.

All I can say is: this works, if we make it work – it’s up to each one of us to tap into such life and consistency that is always here as ourselves if we decide to live as it and stopping getting ‘lost’ in the experiences towards a self-created doom.  

I decide to see every day as one more chance/opportunity to live, to learn, to expand, to explore myself, to re-discover myself, to challenge myself – yet keeping it simple – Simplicity is the key, as B would say

Thanks for reading

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


516. What Will Others Say?

Or debunking our own ‘after thoughts’ that we believe others hold against us and discovering, it’s all created by me.

I’ll start by sharing that I regularly write notes about things that come up within me during the day (written on the back of sales-tickets, to use that whole whiteness of paper!) and place some keywords on how I experienced myself in situation, in my interactions with people, any memories or patterns to open up, dreams, fears… and that’s how I get to have something to say and write about, which is part of the joy of getting to know oneself, when looking deeply, there’s a ton to open up and create a solution for and this point of ‘what will others say’ has been there for more than a week and I have kind of deliberately ‘skipped it’ over, lol procrastinating my own benefit, so here it goes for once and for all.

This rather common after-thought of ‘what will others say’ I’ve found to be very common in most of us human beings in terms of how we are individuals that constantly see ourselves through ‘the eyes of others’ which means: we constantly think that everything that we do is always going to be scrutinized and judged by others and usually not in the most beneficial or ‘flattering’ ways. This is something that I got to look at through listening to some parts of a ‘hangout’ between 4 young guys or teens in the Conscious Consumer Network discussing stuff about their lives, their points of view at their age and the problems that mostly press on them and a recurrent one seemed to be how other peers might judge them and how adults can also look down upon them, which also goes in the way of feeling ‘out of place’ or feeling scrutinized by others.

It got me looking into how I felt at that age in my teens or even pre-teens when I wanted to already be an adult all the time and get to do the things that ‘grownups do’ and feeling outside of the box with my own peers and just uncomfortable within my own skin, not fitting in and wanting to be alone but at the same time craving for social interaction. And a lot of the limitations as to why we many times limit ourselves in the things that we do or don’t do are based on the sneaky thinking related to ‘what will others say or think?’

This is something that until this day I can struggle with, especially when it comes to acknowledging a situation in my life where I am fearing to be called out for ‘failing’ at something or not fulfilling what I believe others’ ‘expectations’ are towards me, believing that people will diminish ‘who I am’ if I explain why I decided not to follow through with a particular life-project that I had planned for myself initially – or when I see myself not having the ‘regular profession’ that you can actually get a ‘title’ from a ‘renowned’ institution validating the very activity I am dedicating my life to – or when I can see at my past of relationships with people that didn’t end up ‘so well’ or when I’ve dared to not follow some ‘traditions’ or when I dared to follow some but not ‘culminate’ them as I believe others expected me to…. And the list could go on and in fact I will review all of this for myself because all of this that I am naming means that I am defining as ‘who I am’ and as something that I believe others are in fact ‘holding against me’ to invalidate me, to inferiorize me, to ‘not be taken seriously,’ to be diminished as a ‘dreamer that wants to change the world’ or to be defined as a ‘quitter’ or someone that has not yet ‘accomplished’ something ‘of value’ in system standards or someone that hasn’t made the brightest choices in life… and the list might go on as well.

In the past two weeks I’ve had to confront myself with my creation, my reality, the results of my starting point and choices in a point of self-creation that led me to look at myself in the mirror, in self-honesty and realize that upon having written about most of the things I was deciding and going through, I was mostly willing to walk through the process of making a somewhat tough decision in my life, yet at the same time discovering that I thought of how easy it would actually be if I didn’t have to confront it with anyone else in my life – not the society and community I live in including my family, my colleagues and friends and the rest of the people who I think are ‘out to find a flaw in me’ to then diminish myself to a point of ‘failure.’ In essence, a lot of what was bothering me was in fact the notion of ‘what will others say or think about me’ my decisions, my reality.

However as much as people can actually talk and have a say on everything – as we all do at any given time about anything we decide to create a judgment or opinion about – I realized that all of this that I was holding inside me was in fact myself, my own judgments, ideas, beliefs, perceptions, being my own worst judge, myself caring about ‘an image’ or a certain ‘ego-status’ that I have kept as an ideal of ‘being flawless.’

As I write this what comes up is an explanation of how early on this boils down to in my life, where the actual origin of this is yes, having been the ‘perfect student’ with ‘clean A’s’ all the way from the moment I stepped into a school and having people, my peers that were also 7 or 8 year olds coming at me and telling me how much they were going to ‘beat me’ next time at something, and how they would get on top of my position and I would fail and they would laugh at my misery – etc. Yes, of course not a nice thing to go through considering I had or have been very gullible about the human condition and could not understand how someone could be that ‘mean’ to me – and that caused quite a lot of commotion and uncertainty in myself but didn’t stop me from continuing doing my best and thanks to my mother from whom I learned  – and still do – to focus on myself, to do it for myself, to never mind what others think or say and that their words represented them, defined them, not me.

That was supportive at the time and it did help a lot to go through every day at school where I would at times be subject of ‘whole-class’ discrimination where it was as if everyone just decided to ‘turn against me’ in a way to ostracize me. It felt horrible, I would arrive home very sad and crying out because of it and I didn’t want to go to school any longer due to that, but I did anyways – unfortunately just like many, many kids nowadays that get bullied at school and go through worse situations than I did – and having this coming from even those girls that I deemed as ‘my friends’ was my first taste of betrayal, but also of seeing how much ‘what others say or do towards me’ could affect me.

Over the year growing up I learned to create a hard veneer towards all of that kind of criticism, which also led me to become a ‘tough head’ at times, antagonistic, be defensive, be outspoken and a bit ‘over the top’ in certain aspects which at the same time I don’t regret at all because at the time, it did help me walk through the rest of school years not trying to ‘find a spot’ any longer but rather building my own space and getting along with  anyone that I could, which is something I am glad I did. I wasn’t deliberately becoming ‘apart’ from others as a form of rejection to others or spiting them, but didn’t attempt to ‘fit in’ any longer, while also learning to talk to and relate to most people in my class, which is cool to do and this I’d recommend anyone around that age to do: be yourself, create your own spot, get along with everyone, treat everyone as equals and that’s what you’ll get back as well.

Back to the point of ‘What will others say’ and how it plays out into my current life situation is where I am the one that has kept that same belief within me that ‘others are out to get me’ or ‘watch me fall’ and that I have to keep a certain façade of ‘all is well’ and ‘doing great’ all the time so as to not give any ‘entry’ to a ‘flaw’ in me that could unleash criticism, judgment, opinions coming from others that might be just waiting to ‘find fault’ on me.

Now this is all that I have in fact created in my own mind, it is what I have accepted and allowed to give power away to as ‘what others will think of me’ and in fact it has been a constant point these days when having to confront people in my family, my community about the changes in my life and I could see that as much as I have done a pretty good job at presenting myself in a cool, calm and collected manner and as much as this is in fact an expression that seems comfortable in the moment – there are still discomforts in the background based on this notion of ‘how others might be thinking, judging, conversing’ about my life situation and how others will be opinionated about my choices and decisions.

One thing that has worked for me and that I have reminded myself about is to realize ‘I am the one living my life, my creation, my outcome and my choices, not anyone else’ which means if anyone has an opinion, belief, idea, perception, judgment about me, it is still their perception, their point of view or judgment that defines them and how they use their mind to assess other people’s life situation, but it certainly doesn’t define me.

Now this of course doesn’t mean that I don’t hear anyone else’s perspective on my situation, I do, do I am aware of how I also assess such feedback.  I am fortunate enough to have people in my life that I know I can count on to be simply there as a reminder of my own self-honesty – which is frankly the most valuable thing to do in times where we might be losing our footing in certain situations. And these are the people I can trust on getting feedback on so that I can at the same time check with myself in my own self-trust what I can look at, what can I work on within myself, what can I focus on opening up and creating a solution for the situation I am in, what kind of ways or paths can I create to step on my way through this challenging situation I am in. Therefore this becomes a constructive form of feedback that I can not only blindly take in, but assess within my own self trust, within my own self-honesty and then take it or leave it, but it’s always ‘on me’ and about me supporting myself, me being able to ‘live’ with myself, my choices, my decisions, in my life.

I definitely would like all of our relationships to be that way and this I certainly commit myself to do as well with people that I at the same time, have the fortune to be in a position of assisting and supporting in their own lives, their own process. Supporting, meaning: being there as a reminder of one’s self-honesty, without judgment, without expectations, without prejudices, but in humbleness and understanding, being ‘there’ for another while they find their own way through as well.

This is how I realize that all of the rest of judgments, ideas, prejudices I believe others would have to say about me as all the people that come up in my mind when considering having to ‘explain’ myself and my life, my choices, my decisions are nothing else but my own expectations built through memories, past situations where I would become ‘paralyzed’ with fearing others ‘coming at me’ to point out all the potential ways in which they could watch me fall and enjoy the show… yep, it is quite a problem that this can be happening between kids at such an early age and yes, if one doesn’t have proper support it can reverberate throughout one’s entire lifetime.

Here then I opened up and discovered how this notion of having to confront myself ‘at the eyes of others’ resonates with that early memory at school I described earlier and how the same conditioning of fearing that ‘others rejoice at seeing me fail’ is still keeping me bound to not stand fully clear in my current reality, because of perceiving that ‘others’ words, expectations, judgments, ideas’ about myself can actually have an impact on me, my life and who I am – but! Guess what? They don’t!

I have to remind myself that this that I am experiencing currently as this uncertainty of confronting others in my life and having to ‘explain’ myself as who I currently am in my life and my decisions is something I can actually self-forgive and let go of, because I am the one that is making and living that decision, not anyone else – and that’s how no one really has the actual position of ‘being me’ to have an actual say on who I am, what I do, the choices I make and why I make them.  Therefore any thought that comes up in me, about ‘others’ judging me, rejoicing at the notion of me ‘failing’ at something – I have to remind myself that it’s based on past memories and in no way defines ‘me’ currently.

In this I also remind myself that I can only ever be my own worst judge and that I can only be the one that accepts and allows any form of judgment to ‘affect me’ – it’s all on me, and that’s how I see that whenever I am ‘fearing’ what ‘others have to say’ about myself, my life, my choices, my decision, my ways, my principles = it doesn’t define me, but it will if I give my power away to it.

And as an extra point that I’ve proven as well is that, in our minds we tend to completely blow things out of proportion – so even in situations that we might be fearing to confront or perceive as potentially uncomfortable while participating in this backchat about ‘what others have to say’ about me, I’ve proven that most of it I completely blew out of proportion and made it a lot worse than what it actually was, and that I ended up becoming more of a nervous wreck based on my own imaginations and projections than when facing the ‘real deal’ and finding out ‘wow, it wasn’t as bad as I thought’ – this I consider is also one of those very common patterns that we can all remind ourselves about and stop torturing ourselves with it.

So! I’ll stop my own mind in relation to this and I have to say, I’ve definitely been much better at this all that I’ve described today through walking this process from consciousness to self-awareness as life, but not to a complete extent yet which is why it’s awesome to face things in my life and find out ‘hey! I still give too much value to what others might be thinking about me, gotta change that!’ and come here and lay it out for myself so that I cannot run away from my own self-honesty any longer, lol, which is actually another last minute reminder of how contradictory is that we put off or procrastinate to work on the very points that could ease our lives and make ourselves ‘know where we stand’ within ourselves again – it’s all about the power of writing and self-honest personal ‘debunkings’ that can clear the space and make us enjoy discovering ourselves as well.

So, enjoy doing yours and thanks for reading

And! Please gift yourself with this awesome recording to ‘find your way through’ even in the apparently worst-case scenario you might be at in your life, fresh from today:

Everywhere but Within – Demons in the Afterlife – Part 75

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE

 


512. Process Works!

Or realizing the ways in which we can genuinely change and face challenging times in our lives with grace and self respect

Lately I have been surprising myself in the possible ways to face what would usually be a rather uncomfortable, depressing, difficult and generally ‘shitty’ time upon facing certain consequences in my life. And here I can say with open words: Process Works! because this time around and from the start to the end of this whole point of creation, I could live and experience myself way differently than before, I was certainly not reliving the ‘who I was’ in the past even if the situation itself could be quite similar to some others in the past.

This time I made a clear decision to change myself, to challenge my ways, to adapt, to be flexible, to learn from myself and others involved, to be considerate, to in many ways work through the forms of ‘control’ that I have come so used to exerting towards others, I’ve learned to not see others as the source of my problems but fully own my creation.

Yet it didn’t all just stop there in learning to not over react or not get emotionally overwhelmed about it – while yes, admitting at the same time that there are things that need to be let out through experiencing some emotions and letting out tears through it all, but I’ve found that I do not remain ‘sinking’ into it for long, I stand up back up and continue doing my things, which is another cool thing about responsibilities, seeing them as a point of stability that one has to get to and attend regardless of what’s going on in my reality.

What I also did this time is to learn to walk a consequence in a rather ‘graceful’ manner, meaning, not judging myself for it, not locking myself into a bundle of fears and resistances or judgments about the situation I was facing. I made it a point to not see it as ‘the end of the world’ but instead understand its process of creation as something that I am responsible for and therefore now having to walk it through its completion.

Also while managing all the practical points required to walk this consequence, I also noticed that I could get myself to a point of stability with relative ease, surely after walking through some fears, woes and nervousness around it – yet I could remain stable, grounded, clear in my decisions and my relationship with everyone involved, to the point where I saw how even if something turns out ‘badly’ one doesn’t have to go through an emotional experience that equates such outcome, because it serves no purpose.

This relates also to what I shared about yesterday in relation to that dream that I had where even if I was already ‘tackled’ by the ox-goat, the worst thing to do is to get over emotional about it and fearful and locked out of oneself in a panic attack. I decided to take it with ease, in calm and stability, in a stance not of blame, spite or anger – even though it did come up partially I did manage to walk through it before it became prominent – or completely changing the way I behave towards others from a ‘positive’ to the ‘negative’ either.

I didn’t do all of that because I understood that I would have taken myself to an experience that one has to continually be in one’s mind to justify and build reactions according to thoughts, memories, emotions that are being held through blame,  spite and through irresponsibility all the way and I decided that I wasn’t going to be that again this time around.

Instead, without being aware, I did walk through it all in a rather amicable, graceful, stable and considerate manner, without going into a ‘positivity’ either or suppressing what I was going through – because stuff did come up, but my constant pillar of self support was also there: Writing, self-forgiveness, reminding myself where I stand, what I am here for, what my purpose in this life is and also being grateful for this opportunity to see for once and for all where I was requiring radical actions to correct something in my life and then doing so not within a starting point of supporting myself, instead of seeing it as a problem only or a point of loss.

In essence changing the way I decided to walk through consequence has allowed me to see a part of myself, a way to be, live and act in moments where before I would have only imagined chaos, drama, pain and sorrow as an outcome. And the reason is… because of this process!

There’s nothing better you can invest yourself on than learning to see through the veils of consciousness, of emotions, of ‘problems’ and directly learn to tap into your potential even in difficult times, which doesn’t make things ‘easy’ per-se, but we can change who we are when facing our consequences and learn a lot about ourselves in the process, which means learning to see the troubles and outcomes in life as opportunities to grow, to expand, to learn about ourselves as I am now seeing in my case, which is quite satisfying for me to say the least.

A last pointer here: not to judge yourself for whatever you have created, faced or made a mistake about, being in guilt trips and remorse leads nowhere but a cul-de-sac of emotions without a way out – best to learn from it, learn about oneself as that point of creation and stand for it the best way one is able to, which is considering and doing what is best for all and leaving aside personal interests.

I definitely want everyone in this world to realize this potential we all have, and how to work through it so, start today if you’re ready to do your own, because we won’t get to change this world unless we’re all on the same page of realizing our potential for self-change and actually live it.

Thanks for reading

Suggested audios:

Disconnected Starting Points – Demons in the Afterlife – Part 74

Stop Over Complicating your Solution – Principled Living

 

 

 


509. Walking From the Past or Future, Into Self-Presence

Or how to stop projecting oneself in the past or into the future and instead walk out of that alternate reality into owning one’s physical reality

 

I watched Gian’s latest vlog on a particular process he walked where it is quite astounding how something that has been generally ‘common’ in our lives can cause such physical consequences and how he was able to also heal himself from it by living out an immediate process of self-correction.

I could relate a lot to what he shared in relation to the cause of his condition, which is about not living fully in the present but ‘walking in the past’ and so in his mind constantly going back to ‘the past’ and also projecting into the future and living in alternate realities recharging the emotional aspects held within such past moments, instead of fully embracing and accepting the reality that is here for him to live and ‘own’ in a way.

I can relate having done this many times, possibly not in the emotional way he described, but certainly in the sense of giving my breath and my presence into the mind entertaining images or ‘flashbacks’ and going into a ‘pondering’ mode of ‘what if I was there instead’? This would happen in places I had settled myself in for a ‘limited time’ or being generally ‘uncertain’ of my future there, I would constantly have flashbacks of what I had defined in my mind as a ‘preferred’ place to be at, and this would be a constant experience going on in my mind, where I wasn’t fully embracing, accepting, standing fully on my ground, my reality, my environment, the people around me but still I was indulging into the myriad of possibilities I could create in my mind like ‘who would I be with right now if I had not chosen to come here?’ ‘What would I be studying if I had not left to study here?’ and all of this would constantly come up during the most practical and physical moments in my reality, a distraction of sorts that I would give attention to unfortunately.

I never really questioned this in the sense of saying to myself  ‘Ok wait a minute, why am I constantly ‘dreaming of’ being somewhere else and projecting myself as in ‘who I would be’ if I was with other people, in a different place and situation than the one I currently am in?’ – I didn’t do that, and the reality is that I am not aware if I have had any physical consequence out of participating in this kind of ‘looking into the past and into the future’ instead of embracing my reality completely here. This was though some 7-8 years ago mostly – however, it has appeared lately again, wherein out of ‘nowhere’ I start having these flashbacks and considerations about a city that I left precisely because of finding it not supportive for me to live in – so, isn’t that contradictory?

At the same time I’ve noticed how in a very ingrained manner I have spent the past almost 7 years now in a way sort of perceiving my current situation as ‘temporary’, as if there’s something that’s going to happen and I won’t be here anymore, I have been in ‘waiting mode’ for many years now and I have caused to myself a point of stagnation at the same time, because I haven’t directed myself to ‘build roots’ so to speak, because of having this ‘plan’ in the back of my head of this being ‘a temporary place’ and me not going to stay here forever.

However, the point here is that instead of hoping or projecting myself somewhere else or living in a ‘waiting mode’ all the time, I have to make a directive decision about where I would like to establish myself and look at the potential and possibilities, practicality aspects and live out that decision.  This is a very ‘deep’ aspect though because I have lived mostly in a ‘normal way’ all of this time yet, I am also aware that I haven’t really settled where I am at, and the point that prevents it is the idea of ‘why building roots here if I won’t be here forever’?

That is quite a detrimental aspect of myself and I’m glad I got to see it clearly thanks to Gian’s sharing, because in a way I have been living with ‘one foot out of the door’ while the other half of myself has been living out ‘normally’ and ‘embracing’ my reality at a very superficial level, while there’s this constant background experience of ‘this is temporary’ and in doing so, I am not fully embracing and living my reality here – but instead living it as a form of ‘temporary step’ even almost in a ‘resignation’ mode as if I had no ability to choose or make directive decisions for my life.

In this, I don’t only have to consider what I would like but what is possible, feasible, doable and then direct myself to do it. But I do see how in any case, what I allow inside my mind as a retrospection or future projection in moments where I am supposed to be Here in my physical reality, completely in it/as it and walking through it, I have been indulging too much into ‘what was’ or ‘could have been’ or the ‘potential outcomes’ and in this, I am not living myself, I am living in alternate dimensions in my mind.

I enjoyed how Gian explained the solutions to this point that he walked where he decided to be in every space he’s at and ‘own’ it in a way, completely embracing and accepting the fact that he is ‘here’ in a particular environment, and making of his responsibilities ‘his’ completely, not ‘temporary’ or ‘in the meantime’ – he stopped living in the ‘waiting’ mode as I would call it and completely embraced the reality he was in.

Interestingly enough, I consider I haven’t yet fully lived that and it is one of those things I have to create, define and establish for myself. But the trick here for myself is to not go into expectation mode of ‘finding the place, the situation, the environment’ and so ‘waiting’ for it to somehow come into my life – nope.

The point is to let go of these past and future projections and instead completely embrace my present moment, my reality in living words that I can integrate as my self-presence, who I decide to be and live – instead of the ‘mind presence’ of past and future tense –remaining aware of whenever I am diving into a ‘thought’ of the past and ‘what once was’ or indulging into a remembrance of ‘how my life used to be’ to instead become aware that I am in fact repeating myself in the past and in that, I am not living Here, I am not growing here, I am not completely embracing my current reality and owning it, standing in it completely, not having ‘other places or other people’ in my mind. I have to focus on being truly here, breath by breath, moment by moment and at the same time being directive in who I am and what I do.  

That’s what I’ll practice and work on in order to walk my present, walk my ‘hereness’ so to speak and see how this will also support myself to not be in a ‘temporary-here’ mode, otherwise I could end up ‘living’ out the rest of my life in this ‘waiting mode’ or ‘temporary-here’ mode and miss out the actual process of self-creation and expansion.

If I am to make decisive changes, it’s up to me – and if I am not yet making them, then I have to embrace where I’m at currently and live the day to the best of my ability, owning my environment – not ‘for tomorrow,’ not going into ‘the past’ either, but fully embracing my life, my responsibilities, my self-creation here, no matter ‘where’ I am, I’m always here, in the physical, today – not yesterday, not in a tomorrow.

Thanks for reading.

 

Occupy the Space That You Breathe In

 

Join us in our process of Individuals standing as Equals as LIFE


508. Let’s Stop Repeating Ourselves

Or how to stop repeating the worst of ourselves in the past in our current moment with self-awareness and self-honesty

 

One of the great things about learning to observe oneself in one’s mind and learning to be aware of the patterns, habits, tendencies, ways of ‘being’ that we develop throughout our lives is that in doing this along with the principle or starting point of bettering ourselves, of being able to change ‘our ways’ over time, we can stop recreating our problems, difficulties and generally non-supportive experiences of our past in our present and so our future.

For example, in my case what came up in me the moment I realized that I was again going to be facing what I had defined as ‘a difficult/tough time’ in my life based on how I have lived through the same or similar situation before, I allowed myself to initially go through this expectation and laying out before me in my mind, in the way of imagination, projecting all the same emotional experiences, all the sadness and sorrow and essentially my worst case scenario situation, repeating the exact same ‘bad time’ I had before with a consequence like this, but this time I did stop myself in that moment and said to myself “Wait a minute, It Doesn’t Have to Be This Way Again!”

And as simple as this intervention may have been in the moment, it opened my eyes to realize that this time I didn’t have to prepare myself to essentially repeat all the ‘bad times’ I have created for me before in similar situations. I realized my ability to change how I face this consequence this time around, I realized that the whole point of going through various situations in our lives is precisely to be able to learn from them and so be better prepared to face stuff in our lives the following times.

What I’ve done this time is process it better in the context of owning my creation, taking responsibility for what I can do, be and change for myself, which is part of what I’ve been sharing lately in these blogs. This is very relevant to consider because many times we actually end up justifying any emotional reactions based on the position we take in such situations that we usually impose or assign to ourselves based on memories, and in memories which is ‘who we are in our minds’ we definitely are not our ‘supportive self’ unless one actually creates memories of self-support, which would be a different story.

This is about becoming aware of how in the moment of facing tough times, consequences, a point of creation that went in an unexpected way, it’s important to keep our awareness clear not going into ‘bringing up memories’ or adopting ‘past ways’, making sure one is not adopting a position that we have played out in the past that led to an emotional reaction, led down the path of depression or generally being destructive – this is what’s dictated mostly by ourselves in our minds where upon facing such tough moments, we immediately tend to associate our Current Situation with a Similar Past Situation and then adopt the same reactions or stance as in the past – and in doing so, we actually condemn ourselves to repeat the same mistakes, the same outflows, the same emotional reactions with no change, like broken records.

That’s why it’s very important to not condition our Current Reality to the memories of how we ‘lived out’ a situation in the past but instead use this current reality as an opportunity to do things differently, an opportunity to break through the pattern of who one once was, to make a directive decision to not wallow in helplessness, hopelessness, depression or just ‘giving up’ but to stand in a supportive stance, one of introspection, self-reflection based on self-responsibility and self-honesty – which means, focused on oneself, not on ‘others’ and ‘what they did or didn’t do’ – but realizing that this is our chance, our moment and our opportunity to stand up for once and for all.

This is a simple reflection to share today, to not repeat ourselves in the present moment based on our – excuse the word –fucked up past experiences – but learn from them, grow from it, show to ourselves that we’ve in fact learned from our past and gotten better at facing consequences in our lives. This is satisfying to do, that despite the nature and process to walk through in a consequence, it still can be a fulfilling process for oneself, because we give ourselves the proof that we can in fact change and do things differently and so whatever comes, we can be clearer, wiser and stronger to face it.

Surely, I also have to be careful of not creating a ‘super human’ approach to it, because that would be like going into a ‘high’ and so it will invariably cause its polar opposite of a low – not about positive thinking as a solution either. It’s about a genuine sense of stability, of empowerment for a lack of better word where one can see that as much as it will be tough, challenging to face a point of abrupt change or consequences that one wasn’t expecting to go through, one can still go through it and learn from it, and expand and grow by taking responsibility for it, by developing self-honesty in it, and that’s very cool to say the least, it’s self-supportive.

As I shared before, sometimes we don’t realize how much we have been living in a very static status quo until we see the floor beneath us be shaken, it pushes us to reassess who we are, what we are creating, reassess our decisions and direction in life, so we can always make of these ‘raucous’ times the best for ourselves, to reaffirm what we want to create, how we want to stand through the face of consequences and let that define us, not our falls, not our mistakes, not our ‘wrong turns’ – and I’ve found that very, very supportive for myself, therefore sharing it here as well for anyone that may be finding themselves in a similar situation to this.

We always have the ability to stop the past within ourselves every moment in our present, by stopping the patterns that we know have never been supportive for ourselves in our lives, to finally step out of the fears, the un-supportive ideas that we’ve thought ourselves to ‘be like’ that one knows in self-honesty are not the best parts of ourselves, therefore why do we have to keep feeding it, accepting it and allowing it as ‘who we are’?

We have the ability to stand up and make a change, in the moment, in breathing and letting go of the past in one moment, in self-forgiving the emotions and experiences that emerge and instead decide to live a word, a supportive word that we can see assists us in establishing our ground, build our ground underneath our feet and get back on track.

 

Thanks for reading

 

And join in! Learn how to do this for yourself, it’s free:

DIP1

Artwork by: Damian Ledesma

 


Join us in our process of Individuals standing as Equals as LIFE


496. Humming as a Suppression

Or how I’ve used humming/singing to myself as a way to not look at things that caused a moment of conflict in me

I’ve noticed how there are very subtle ways of suppression, which are like ways in which I ‘swipe’ a thought, a glimpse, a memory of something that comes up when I am doing something completely different and in that moment the tendency is to… start ‘singing’ or ‘humming’ some kind of tune, lol.

I’ve proved it to be so every single time. I’ll describe one of them.

I was cooking breakfast and suddenly in a split moment, I had the memory of what I defined as an ‘awkward’ social situation where I didn’t know how to greet people, how to present myself based on the fact that we were at a funeral – so this was last week – and I also didn’t know how common it is to smile upon greeting others in such situations, but I did it anyway though judged my expression in that moment because of perceiving it might have been ‘too vain’ to do that towards others.

So when I was cooking, the image of greeting this couple in that one moment where I accessed the experience of ‘social awkwardness’ was coming up within me to re-look at it, it was a moment I could have taken as a reminder that ‘Hey! you accessed some experience while greeting this people, you can look at it now!’ – But, instead of actually deciding to ‘click’ on that image so to speak and look at what’s in it and understand the points I was suppressing in relation to my experience in that one moment, I started humming a song, lol. This is not the first time it has happened and afterward I notice what I do which is to ‘shut up’ my glimpses of memories or situations that are usually moments where there is something for me to look at, somewhere in that moment I accessed an emotion or a feeling, or ‘left me a bad taste’ in experience, there’s always something in those seemingly ‘small moments’ that come back as this insta-memories/flashbacks and also in an insta-moment I start humming, which I’ve now identified as a defense mechanism, a way to ‘shut myself up’ but also a way to suppress those points that actually caused a certain ‘shift’ in me and so were coming up again for me to look at them.

Every single time after I do the singing or humming I realize I just ‘shoved aside’ something that I could look at and the point is that because of not looking into it in the moment, I ‘forget’ and it’s gone. This last time that it happened – a week ago – I made a note of it and that’s how I remember exactly what the image was as that ‘still’ that came up in my mind while making breakfast and how I suppressed looking into that moment for me to realign and correct in myself.

Here in that memory I can establish the points to self-forgive

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to access an experience of ‘social awkwardness’ which is related to not knowing what was the ‘right thing to do’ upon greeting people and doubting myself when it comes to it being ‘ok’ for me to smile or not, based on the belief that due to being in a funeral, I probably should act reserved and sad looking – but at the moment I wasn’t, therefore I should not manipulate my expression in that moment out of morals or ‘what is correct to do’ but simply make sure the expression is moderated, not too ecstatic either as that would imply another emotion or feeling for me to look at.

I also realize that in those moments even if the situation is quite ‘dull’ for most, a greeting toward and among the living can be supportive and a smile Is what I’d like to get from people even in such tough situations, as a way of reminding ourselves also that our lives go on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to many times before doubt myself in social situations as if I was expecting someone else to tell me what’s right or wrong to do in such situations, but the reality is that I can only trust myself in expressing myself in the moment, being considerate of the environment yes, but not manipulating myself either to show an emotion based on an idea of what ‘one is supposed to feel like’ in a funeral, and here also then stopping the accepted and allowed nature of situations like funerals where we tend to lower our voices and act in a very constricted manner, when in fact it is only ourselves individually in our minds and bodies that recreate these social conditions based on a mind’s reaction and experience, which is what here in this process I am deciding to become the directive principle of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself and my greeting among people that I didn’t really know before yet I proceeded to greet as I do others usually and here then I have to let go of any ‘rules’ I may have learned in relation to only shaking hand if people are ‘new’ to me or giving a cheek kiss to the ladies, and this I can do every time, that way I decide to establish the way in which I relate to others regardless of being a previously known or ‘new-known’ person lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a shift in my being when greeting new people and doubting, questioning, over analyzing ‘how I should act’ towards them, but there is nothing or no one that is going to tell me ‘how to’ lol – so I have to stand on my ground and simply make a decision to greet in a comfortable manner, not assessing ‘who’ they are, but simply realizing that if they are in the same ‘event’ or environment as myself, then I can greet and get to know them if the opportunity is there, or sometimes I’ve also asked them like ‘who are you’ but again, I restricted myself due to the ‘funeral’ situation, which I can also let go of and simply embrace as any other event, not making It something too ‘solemn’ in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to restrict my expression around others in a funeral, believing that if I showed myself as somewhat comfortable or expressive, it would go ‘against the tide’ in that situation, when in fact I don’t have to do this, of course as I said previously, measuring my expression at the same time, not to ‘bombastic’ lol in situations like that, nor manipulate myself into a facial expression and voice expression that I would be faking based on how I perceive the context must be.

Therefore I commit myself to embrace myself in every single moment of my expression, no matter ‘who’ I greet and in this, ensure that I am the one that is deciding to express and leave social conventions, ideas, expectations behind because those are usually limiting ourselves to perpetuate particular ‘set ups’ that are not genuinely supportive.

I mean, if I give to others as I’d like to give to myself, I’d like to greet someone that can at least be a bit cheerful in situations where majority are not doing ok, so I can be that one point if/when situations like this arise and if I am also experiencing emotions in such situations, to also not be ashamed of it because it can cause a situation where I then go into a ‘shift’ based on ‘what will others say’ which I recognize this time I just ‘let it be’ for a moment when it did emerge and that was ok, so what bothered me the most or what caused the most inner conflict is ‘who to be’ if I wasn’t experiencing any particular sadness or emotion based on the context.

For now I also realize that as a point of correction for myself and my expression in humming and singing to myself, I have to make it a clear decision wherein I also know How it is when I decide to ‘bring a song here’ and I start singing along to it, and when it becomes this ‘tune’ I just invent in a moment and sing in an unaware moment = that’s the suppression and so whenever I see myself doing that or even more so, whenever I see myself in that quantum moment of passing from the ‘insta-memory’ to wanting to start humming, I have to stop myself completely from ‘doing the humming’ and instead focusing on the memory, making a note of it either in my mind by looking at it with intent of Seeing it, acknowledging that moment that’s coming up again – and/or write it out, make a note of it with pen and paper so that this point doesn’t go unnoticed, and then continue doing what I was doing in stability, ensuring that if I decide to ‘hum along’ to something, it comes out of an emptiness in me, not as a way to mask the remembrance of a generally uncomfortable experience in me in a recent past moment that is right there, up in my mind again for me to look at it.

So I don’t have to hide from myself in those moments, I can actually be grateful that it’s popping up like jack in the box for me to re-look at a moment where I did not apply myself, did not change in the moment and so take now the time to look at it so that I can correct myself and apply in coming similar situations in my life.

Thanks for Reading

 

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