Category Archives: self-creation

639. Reconciling with the Artistic Expression In Me

 

It’s been a while since I shared a blog. I’ve been on a ‘writing diet’ where I write at least 3 pages on a daily basis in my personal diary or notebook which is something I begun as part of a process I’m embarking myself on to reconcile myself – yes, once again and yes embracing the process – with my artistic side or artistic interests which I’ve been basically focusing on investigating and aligning throughout these past months. I’ve been realizing some of the most ‘shady’ aspects that I’ve allowed to get in the way of me continuing to express myself and I decided to write self forgiveness on these points along with some realizations and share them, since I’m aware many can be at a similar situation with any given aspect in their lives too.  

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize I created a sense of being unworthy when it comes to expressing myself through creative means simply because of being told that no one would buy that, no one would like that and that I had to do stuff that most people liked in order to be paid for it, which then became a way to constantly create a hellish experience within me while creating, having to satisfy these invisible people that I believed I had to please and within that, causing that split within me where expressing myself in a more intimate and unconditional way – as it was in the beginning when I started – became a thing of the past and I then had to ‘use my skills’ to ‘be bought’ by others, and in doing so eventually wanting to once again distance myself from doing anything creatively.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold a negative experience to the idea of my work being valued in a certain amount of money where I’ve judged such amount of money as ridiculous and just not worth the ‘thing’ that I created, which I then believed was something good or positive but slowly with time I allowed that notion to sabotage me from continuing to create because I then would be having to ‘think in money terms’ when creating, which became a departure from myself – because art for me was not intended to be a ‘product’ but it was a very personal, unconditional and dare I say innocent form of expression with and for myself that I then allowed to be influenced on ‘why I do it’ and ‘what kind of stuff’ I should do, missing out the point of it which has always and should always be Me and the process I’ve been walking, which is what any form of expression for me is really about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a silent inner war in relation to art and monetary value where I slowly but surely sabotaged myself from creating anything as a way to not have to see it as a product – instead of seeing that I could have simply realized that I was  attaching some monetary values to something that should be first of all a point of self-expression and communication, where an economic value would come only if and when I would decide to offer it for selling it and only when and if there could be any potential person interested in buying it, therefore leaving all of that as a secondary purpose to it, not ever forgetting that my main purpose and value is for myself, for my own satisfaction, expression and enjoyment – otherwise I now see I corrupt myself by thinking in ‘money terms’ other than me expressing me and sharing unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the moment that there was a struggle in my head because of having others’ opinions, views or expectations of ‘what I need to create’ I should have stopped and not allow myself to go there, since that is not the reason why I signed up to do anything creative in the first place, I did it as a point of curiosity and exploration for myself, to communicate myself with myself and then it became something I would have to do as a profession to be paid for and satisfy others with it, which is not a ‘wrong’ thing to do either, but that’s not where my true passion is for in it.  I totally buried myself under those ‘expectations’ I projected upon myself even when I believed I was doing something ‘for me,’ I would still be having ideas of ‘having others liking it’ in the background and in that, I corrupted my own expression which I see has of course nothing to do with the ghostly voices in my head of ‘others eyes’ on it,  because they were entirely brought up by myself and it then became in a bundle of  fears around it that I now see I used as a justification to not continue doing anything creative for a while.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to many times create a dissonance, a split between ‘what’ I had to do instead of asking myself who do I decide to be and according to that direct myself, because of having fallen on the usual ideas where I would have to choose one thing to become ‘something’ in life– like having a certain title, career or diploma – in order to perform certain tasks which show me the extent to which I have been mostly perpetuating the same kind of labels and boxes wherein we have defined ourselves to be just ‘one thing’ and only be that ‘one thing’ throughout a lifetime, instead of opening up the endless possibilities that are in fact possible if we tap into that source of what and who we really are and so expressing that into any aspect of our lives, regardless of ‘what we do.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself between the idea of supporting others and making that my living purpose and my own natural tendency an d interest on artists and artistic creations as a source of both enjoyment and understanding to me, and in doing so, I ended up creating a division from this natural expression and judging it as selfish, as a waste of time, as shallow or without any consequence in others’ lives, without realizing  that in doing so, I was cutting up, chopping off a part of myself in such judgment process wherein I then created a constant push and pull friction game towards that inclination that emerged from a very young age in me and that I judged later on as frivolous and part of my ego-creation.

I realize currently how yes from a very innocent and instinctive move to paint and draw, I then turned it into a an expectation of making it my profession and then buying into the idea of that having to be my way to ‘climb up the ladder of success’ and feed my ego with dreams and ideals of fame and recognition, where – even though I had the idea of ‘doing so to help to save the world’ – the motivation was still the aggrandizement of my own persona, which is why I then took myself to the opposite side of not wanting to show what I do, not wanting to share it around and judging others that would dare to do so as egotistical or seeking others’ approval, which only stands as my own projection of my own judgments and what I’ve done towards myself, which I realize is a product of tainting my expression with the norms and ways we have created the current system wherein art has also become an industry which is not wrong in itself since it can be considered work itself, but to me art does go beyond the ‘final product’ but I’m definitely more interested in the person that is behind the work of art which is where I see that lies my interest on the artistic field.

I forgive myself  that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to taint my expression with the ideas of ‘what I would have to do’ in order to sell or in order to have other people like what I do, which I realized has been a rather painful process considering that it doesn’t mean I have to make money out of what I decide to express in a very personal way of communicating with myself, which I can share unconditionally without having to make it ‘fit’ certain market standards or having certain ‘qualities’ which is what I’ve then come to experience an inner conflict with, because my aim is to use art as a way to communicate and to see myself, to understand and learn from myself and enjoy while making it and making that very personal and sacred moment where it’s just me expressing and communicating with myself.

I realize that the moment that I place ‘others’ or ‘the public’ as the ultimate outcome, I distance myself from myself, I move away from that very core point that got me into wanting to create art in the first place and it becomes a job, something I have ‘to do’ for money or to be able to be ‘sellable’ and in that, losing my own essence and shaping myself into whatever I am believing ‘others’ want to see and get from me, which is entirely created in my own mind and as such, there has never been ‘others’ or any form of exigencies, it’s all been me allowing my own judgments and ideas to influence and maim my own creativity over the years .

I realize that the various comments and opinions I got over the years were all standing as expressions of their own views and standards, and to me they represented moments where I would have had to fully stand as my expression – but I didn’t. And that’s why every time I would succumb to certain demands, I would feel a little more lost in it all and ended up feeling meaningless and purposeless – shallow – in the whole process of making anything related to art, even doing any form of indoor decoration because of then tainting it as shallow, superficial or non-substantial or supportive to life itself – defining ‘life’ outside of myself as ‘others’– instead of seeing that I am the source of it and the ultimate end point of it, if it exists in me – and me being part of the whole – there should not exist any limitation to this point of expression that is intended to see ‘what comes out of me’ as an individual, simply to see ‘how I am doing’ and express it in ways that I may not be able to do so through words at times, and so seeing that it has been essential for me to draw and paint things that are just inside of me and come out as an extension of myself, that are devoid of a certain ‘receptor’, which I consider is the actual essence of what any form of art is, an externalization of the creator because of the sheer will of the creator itself to have it happen or just ‘be’ for its own sake.

In my case I have decided to make of that art not something that I ‘have to do’ but something that I can decide to express as part of my self-communication, self-enjoyment, the creation of that me-time that I now know I have to give myself and create for myself since I have shaped my life and time around all of the other doings that I require to do as a way to survive and as a way to relate to others, which simply require a balancing point so that I can in fact give me and create more time to do it and stick to it the same way that I stand in a disciplined and responsible manner to any other responsibility and duty I have.

I realize that If I cut out this limb of mine, this part of me that has continued to be a relevant aspect of my life, I’ll end up feeling forever frustrated for not having had the guts to give myself the time and courage to do it, to make it actually OK and acceptable that I create time for me to continue developing any form of creative expression that satisfies that self-communication and self-understanding beyond the usual self-writings, because that stands as something that can break the mold of what I regularly do on a daily basis and what I dare to say to myself through words only.

I also understand the importance of creativity, it is that ‘creative germ’ that is needed in all of us if we truly want to ‘break the mold’ and create a better world because otherwise, as I’ve seen for myself, we can just fall into the comfort of how things usually are and have been and not having any new things or challenges coming our way and getting too complacent and obedient to whatever we have all collectively come to believe is how ‘we should live our lives.’ And I know that it takes courage and a real sense of authority and will to decide to not fall into such expectations and categories and live differently, which then doesn’t become a constant ‘against the flow’ rebellious type of process as I used to do it before, but it becomes simply living the realization that this is the actuality of myself that is no longer seeking to be liked, appreciated or conform or fit in, but embraces that individuality devoid of judgment and expectations, and simply decides to get back in tune with myself, to be ‘here’ rather than seeking to be somewhere else or be accepted by others here or there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to maim my own authenticity whenever I allowed others’ comments, opinions – or the lack thereof – about what I do creatively to affect and define the way that I relate to my works of art, where I then stepped into the realm of valuing opinions and judgments and forgot to look at myself, asking myself why is this important or relevant for me to do, what it means to me and why it satisfies me or not to do it.  

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become too concerned with monetary values and I realize that it is not about saying that selling my art is wrong or an act of self-interest, but that should come as a byproduct of me first standing fully in absolute congruence with my creation, where I can be sure there isn’t any noise implied in its creation while having thoughts about possibly selling it or thinking what colors would be liked more by ‘the majority’ of people, or what kind of stuff would be ‘easy to appreciate and like’ and hang on a wall or have around – and instead focus on simply being me, expressing me because I can see how I have been living that within myself and I have stood up when realizing I’m about to enter into a ‘shaping’ process that doesn’t respect me – but I haven’t done that with my own artistic expression.

I realize how easy it is for me to get into that shady space of not sharing or showing myself, all having to do with holding ideas about ‘who I am and have been’ in relation to a particular ‘personality system’ of having been placed in the spotlight at a certain time in my life, creating and building expectations upon myself that I then couldn’t fulfill because they, of course, came from a place of separation, of arrogance, of superiority and idealism that can’t be in fact satisfied because it’s not coming from the truth of who I am and who I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to people’s opinions and values given towards me, where they all in fact felt phony to me ever since being a child and receiving accolades, it became a great nuisance to be told all of these good things and being praised where I eventually wanted to ‘not be singled out’ and hide in the background, to not stand out and in doing so,  I ended up diminishing myself because of having created a negative experience to being the source of opinions and critics, even if they were favorable, it seemed unfair and unreal for me to be able to define someone based on numeric characters or only a few characteristics that were ‘worthy’ within a particular system, like in schools.

That’s also why I wanted to do something that could enable me to see myself outside of values and titles that we are supposed to get in society, that define ‘who we are’ and that’s why I started doing what I did within an artistic expression – that I later on ‘vandalized’ with adding all kinds of judgments, opinions  and expectations to it and I perverted it and turned it into just another ‘thing’ that one ‘does’ in the ‘system’ and that’s it, it’s like taking the life out of myself by turning that which was once very personal and unconditional and a point of enjoyment to me and turning it into a show ‘for others’ and to find ‘my value and worth’ in society, which I then failed to do as I should, because it would have led me down to another rabbit hole if I had been successful at that.

I also realize that it’s not that ‘others’ are the problem in fact, since they are me. In any case each person stands as a good mirror where I can look back at myself and see what I can learn from it to either expand  myself or try out new things, without any longer seeking to be liked, accepted, valued or appreciated that way, because I realize that such values are in fact standing only in the eye of the mind and can only serve a way to ‘see’ things, but it’s only me that will ultimately know WHO I am behind WHAT I decide to do, whatever it is.

I realize that we lose ourselves many times in the eyes of others and allow ourselves to get quietly and deeply hurt and don’t dare to speak it out in the moment, because of fearing to come through as sensitive or immature – but opening up about those aspects that were impactful for us is the first point, to realize that many times there have been assumptions, misunderstandings and a general projection of who each person is in relation to their opinions and comments. I realize that I also have been able to consider certain constructive aspects from what others say about my work, but even with that, I realize I have to define what I will accept and allow as feedback and what I won’t because to me, artistic expression is that one sacred place where no others’ ‘laws’ or ‘ways’ apply and where I can in fact transcend myself and my limited views, beliefs and morals. I desecrate that space, that part of myself every time that I use someone else’s words as a reason or justification of why I should do something a certain way or why I should just give up trying to do anything creative.

I also realize that in my mind I have been the only one that has decided to give such amount of focus and attention to what others may or may not say – critically and constructively – and that I am the only one that can allow that to affect me in a negative or emotional way.  I realize that as one goes strengthening that sense of self-worth, self appreciation and being congruent with the expression of ‘who I am’ and ‘who I decide to be’ and what I focus on continuing to create and express no matter what may come my way, it should not change who I decide to be in that expression.

I can use the feedback  to make myself grow and expand and consider other perspectives, but reacting negatively towards it is entirely a self-created decision that I now realize I have the total capacity to work through and release myself from, which can leave me with a better understanding of who the other person is in their words and their way of seeing things and their relationship to what I do, but ultimately to not take it personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my own expression, the unique actions and movements and expressions that I have to any other human beings’, which has led me within a never ending unfulfilled experience where I became the outflow of my own judgments and allowing that to maim my creative expression by giving up on it.

I realize we all – each one of us – is part of the whole that expresses in a unique way, which doesn’t make it more or less than or ‘better’ or ‘worse’ than – it is about embracing the multiplicity and learning to see it as that unique expression that it is, where I realize that I have made and turned myself into my own worst enemy when constantly deciding what is ‘good’ or not in my own eyes and then ending up projecting those judgments towards my own creations, which results in self-sabotage.

Currently I realize looking back how what I’ve done just IS and they are all testimonies and registry of the various phases in my life that I don’t have to feel ashamed of, since they were a relevant and important aspect of who I was at the time, a part of me, a reflection of me in that space and time and if I don’t embrace and accept myself and decide that such expression had its right to be at the time and represent me, who else will? No one.

I realize that my curiosity and general inclination towards some artistic expressions like music and visual arts have been a form of food for my beingness, which at some point I tried to simply distance myself from within the belief that they were just distractions or my own way to ‘escape’ from my reality. And I realize that at times, it might have been so in the past, but I surely realize that is not my starting point at the moment but the other way around.

I now see the potential in art and artists as part of what’s worth living for in this world, because I’ve gone from loathing humanity to appreciating every person that I get to know more about and seeing a lot of valuable things that I can learn from which I’ve come to do through watching documentaries, reading about artists lives and any creative genius, which I ultimately see as one of the reasons why I want to continue being me and developing my expression,  not only to support others but to get to contribute back in the ‘creative pool’ from where I’ve been nurturing myself from as well, because that’s how I’ve gotten to appreciate the life that is in each one of us and that manifests in all of these multiple ways that are worth getting to see and appreciate for who and what they are.

My starting point is not to feel ‘original’ since we are ALL original since we all come from the same and one origin point that we all express in a variety of ways that actually makes this life worth living and so, it’s absolutely worth getting to know one another and getting to connect with those that may be walking a similar path and living purpose to the one I have, which I’ve seen is quite feasible as well.

My current starting point to develop myself in relation to any form of artistic creation and developing communication and comradeship with fellow artists is because it’s proven to me how this particular sector of people in the world that, according to how I see it, dares to live ‘outside of the norm’ within their minds and so in their lives and dare to share that in any way that reflects their inside world, that reflects their particular inner experience are the front runners of changing the way life is lived and how new structures and ways can be created that benefit more of humanity and life in general.

 I’ve seen how easy it is to connect to that same common sensical level with people that are working or have experience in any cultural or artistic field, we just can click in one moment because there’s that same or similar understanding of who we really are and what’s worth working and living for in this life.

I was discussing with my friend about art in itself and it got me to think how I don’t have a particular fondness for certain works of art based on taste, but I surely get to appreciate the ‘who’ is behind that work that got to master themselves to put in the practice, effort, dedication and willingness to do something that perhaps was completely ‘out of their norm’ and did what they had to do in order to get it out of themselves and manifest it as a creation in reality; some others might have done it from a more natural talent that they just could effortlessly express, but in either case, there is a willingness to express and to me that is implying that there is an awareness of the creative potential we all have and can use to benefit our lives. How?

To me it is a primordial and basic point of nurturing your being, of expressing and so sharing it if one’s up for it. They are all bits and ways in which we go stepping out of the ‘usual patterns’ and dare to cross our own limitations and in sharing them, we assist others to do so as well. I also had to let go of the ideas of wanting to share or inspire others or wanting it to be ‘seen’ or ‘liked’ by others. It’s very similar to this process and writing where, whenever I place myself in a position of wanting to ‘share with others’ I miss out myself as being my own point, my own source, my own end of such creation. So now, If I find it supportive, then sharing becomes simply an extension of that self-support being in fact something that I see could benefit others because it is benefitting me.

This is where I can decide to own me and my every step of the way in my own creation, which I also relate to the way I’ve been able to own my decisions and choices in life and all the mistakes I’ve made, because they now make me who I am and I can look back and see that they are all part of the building blocks that I can now constructively use as part of the experience that makes me who I am today that may become stories of support to share to others as a way to learn from my own doings and wrongdoings and get to express the better version of ourselves.

 

Thanks for reading

I absolutely recommend listening to this series to anyone that’s interested in this kind of topics and specifically feeling meaningless, purposeless or feeling like there’s something yet to satisfy within oneself as a living purpose


  1. Meaningless: The Undefined Self – Atlanteans – Part 346

  2. Meaningless: Searching for Meaning – Atlanteans – Part 347
  3. Meaningless: Redefinition – Atlanteans – Part 348
  4. Meaningless: Self Forgiveness Challenge – Atlanteans – Part 349
  5. Meaningless: Standing as a Self Directive Principle – Atlanteans – Part 350
  6. Meaningless: Giving Yourself Meaning – Atlanteans – Part 351
  7. Meaningless: Fulfillment – Atlanteans – Part 352

  8. Meaning: Finding Meaning in a Cruel World – Atlanteans – Part 353

 

Losing My Limb

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty

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637. #EqafeDiscovery: Defined by Relationships and Redefining Self in Relationships

 

 I recommend checking out these audios on Eqafe.com Using Relationships to Hide From Myself – Life Review and Time Alone Before Time Together – Life Review which are about a subject that usually becomes a focal point of attention or even conflict in our lives, which is certainly something I can relate to and unfortunately, still get to see how it defines our lives in so many ways when we don’t look at it in self honesty – this is about… Relationships!

I’ve written this out before how this was a ‘weakness’ in my life and consider that I’m now at a stage where I am getting to see with more clarity what is it that I ‘missed’ to live within me that led me to constantly have relationships as a ‘point of focus’ and usually having the idea or thought of ‘having to be in a relationship’ as a constant thought running in my mind. I had not noticed to what extent I essentially defined myself entirely by being with a certain person in a relationship or being ‘lacking a relationship’ and this is basically what I got reminded of when re-listening to these audios that, lol, I was essentially going to translate to Spanish only to find out that … They had already been published some years ago J Instead of seeing the work done as a ‘waste of time’- because they became useless to publish –  I decided to use the ‘refreshed realizations’ to write out this blog.

I can relate to the woman that comes through in the audio to share her life story and situation. I was the kind of person in my younger years that even before ever having any form of relationship, I would already be kind of preparing the ground on how ‘I would like it to be in a relationship’ and kind of already creating a mindset of only being able to only be ‘fulfilled’ and ‘happy’ if being in a relationship that I could define as ‘life saving’ yep! A very askew starting point but, I am now ok with that because I basically didn’t know any better at the time and I’ve walked the self forgiveness on all those ‘lacks’ that I lived at the time, which surely led me to feel depressed and feeling utterly miserable.  And yes, that was the starting point when I entered  my first relationships and the series of situations where I was looking for ‘appreciation, ‘love’, ‘care’ and ‘worth’ from other people that I would say in retrospect mirrored back my own lack of self-love a, self worth, self care, self appreciation and self-recognition. I then would decide to ‘be’ all of those things ‘for them…’ and yes as it should, none of those ended ‘well’ I would say, which is for the best of both parties of course.

Here I’m realizing that it’s not even about ‘other people,’ but more what I accepted and allowed to exist within me as the idea or concept of ‘relationships’ and ‘being in a relationship’ or ‘being without a relationship’ that I used as the starting point to create relationships… and so I got to see what I had to see in each one of them and break apart, because of having the flawed starting point – and it’s not like they would have ‘stood the test of time’ anyways because of how much I evolved throughout the years – thanks to myself for deciding to walk the Desteni process of course, which is how I’ve gotten myself to be where I am now – it’s not a smooth ride, lol, not at all in the relationship arena but definitely seeing the value of all my decisions and points walked as part of what makes me ‘me’ today – and sure it’s not ‘done’ and there’s plenty of more things to solidify within me – but that’s cool too 🙂

What the lady shares in the Eqafe recording is definitely worth listening to because I’m sure that each person can identify with different aspects of her experience. I can relate to the point of going from one relationship into another – with little time in between – which is Not a suggested move to say the least because one is most likely not in a clear mindset and one is not giving proper time to digest the one that has just ended off and re-settle within oneself to then make sound decisions in what one wants to do from then on.  And I also can relate to the ‘time off’ from relationships which I did also take a few years ago and have shared about before, it lasted some 4 or 5 years and that’s when I kind of faced myself full on and finally built that self-relationship to the point where I got to enjoy being on my own, doing things for me and getting to face this ‘addictive need’ to the idea of having to have a relationship.

If you ask me, the immediate thought or idea that comes to mind is  that such phase of my life seems like ‘hideous’ in my mind. Many times I felt very alone and it was definitely like withdrawing from an addiction to be honest, to kind of face that actual ‘void’ where one feels kind of dead – lol – I didn’t realize it was then me being at the prime of being able to now move, decide to do and express and live and be that which I would direct myself to be and do, which I eventually started realizing and practicing, but man, the conditioning was extensive based on how I would always be ‘expecting’ someone to ‘move me’ to ‘invite me’ to ask me to ‘go out and do stuff’ – and that’s where I started deciding to do it for myself. I guess it felt like when someone has had a cast on their leg and always needs a cane to walk and suddenly you no longer have it and you can simply decide to move and do things and go to places without it, it was that ‘odd’ I guess.

It was also a very fruitful time when it comes to my education, taking the time that I needed to learn, investigate, write myself out, get to know me in various aspects and even more so, seeing who am I without having a ‘someone’ in my life in the sense of a relationship. Was it hard? Yes, but I see it was totally necessary to get to ground myself more… but it didn’t last that much. The next relationship  I created was because I went back to allowing experiences of feeling quite alone and detached from various people I defined as a point of support, communication and interaction in my life, I wasn’t ‘whole’ within me to say the least. Nonetheless I’m thankful as well to that person that decided to agree on such relationship, but I realize that the ‘neediness’ then defined the outcome of it, ultimately realizing that it wasn’t a well thought decision, which I have shared about in various blogs before as well. 

Then even if believing that I was more grounded and considerate, stepping into another relationship right after that was definitely not a wise move either. It was stemming from a desire to ‘move away’ from what I had been through and evading looking to look at, which I eventually did but I had already placed my foot in another relationship.  It seemed ‘easier’ to write out and deconstruct what had happened in the previous relationship while already knowing  that there was ‘someone else’ already on my path as a potential relationship, so that became another comfort zone and didn’t really give myself that time –again – to think things properly, which then led to kind of repeat the same story up to a new point where I decided ‘Now that’s the kind of person  I really want in my life’ and creating a new relationship.

There is shame involved in admitting my jumping from one relationship onto another, but I have learned to see it as the pattern that it represents in relation to me and this kind of ‘rushing’ through things, and not giving myself the time to slow down and think things well… sometimes being impulsive – or most of the times I would say – so this is also something I’m learning in creating a balancing point between expressing and ‘going for something’ and having the rest of the considerations in place, like considering the other people involved and not just ‘seeing how things go’ … there’s a balancing point there which I am becoming more aware of.

It is through being ‘ashamed’ of something that we can profoundly get to see what we ‘missed’ of ourselves, what we put ourselves and others through when doing things in a rather inconsiderate manner, but it’s not supportive at all to remain in such shame and prevent ourselves from sharing back what we learn through our mistakes that, I have decided to see as ways in which I certainly didn’t slow myself down, I rushed through things, I got myself in dishonest situations because of ultimately fearing that I would end up in another relationship that I would not be ‘happy’ with. In essence, I wasn’t honest with myself and as a consequence I wasn’t honest towards others.

This is one of the points that I come to see as well, how I tended to totally create a condition of ‘the relationship’ being a point of ‘happiness’ for me, which is impossible to expect. No one and no-thing can ever be ‘that’ for ourselves, we have to learn how to be it, live it, express it for and as ourselves. Sure relationships can be a point of support and platforms to develop that, but even if one is In a relationship, it doesn’t mean that one is actually self-fulfilled, living self-love, living self-care and self-enjoyment and self-communication… living a genuine relationship with ourselves.

So, this is what I’ve noticed is something that still drives many to look for relationships, or even more so to believe that ‘they have to have’ a relationship, or that they are miserable without a relationship, or that a relationship will give them acceptance, love, appreciation, security and the rest of expressions that we don’t realize we have to always ultimately be for ourselves and give to ourselves first. Otherwise, the usual kind of ‘compromising relationships’ are formed where we become dependent on others to ‘be that expression’ for us, to be that point of acceptance for us, to be that source of appreciation for us…. And that is definitely Not SELF-expression, but egos massaging each other into an illusion of ‘completion.’

So that’s the trap that we might fall into from time to time ‘fall’ because it is not us standing and joining someone in their lives with a whole stance and recognition of who we really are…. The worst starting point of starting a relationship is because one feels like one ‘needs’ a relationship or feels ‘unfulfilled’ or ‘unhappy’ and believes that someone else in your life should ‘fill that void’ or ‘be your happy place.’ Lol

Why do relationships become a ‘focal point’ in our lives? Because of that broadly accepted and allowed belief of having to have someone in your life that can complete you, satisfy you, accept you, tell you how relevant or important you are, how much they ‘need you’ and all of those things… and we don’t realize the obvious, which is how this is a basic form of enslavement that we create towards each other, because it’s two individuals believing themselves to be ‘unfulfilled’ that then get together to create the illusion of ‘completion’ and then if the other for one or another reason doesn’t satisfy the other, then all hell breaks loose because we have deposited the entirety of ‘who we are’ on another’s hands… something is really wrong with this picture… but it is actually one of the most ingrained beliefs and ideas that are ‘socially accepted’ as  ‘how things are.’ But! As always, such beliefs need to be dissected and challenged.

Here I am not speaking from a starting point of saying ‘relationships are bad’ in themselves, no. It is not about that. It’s about looking at our starting point to be in one, to look at ‘who we are’ within it and consequently who the other person is and to decide where do we want to stand in that agreement to be together and what the purpose of it is. It may sound a bit too utilitarian in nature, but it does assist to dispel some of the usual veils created through feelings around the idea or notion of love or simply ‘liking someone’ or seeing certain expression in them that we ‘like’ or ‘feel attracted to’ but haven’t actually first investigated why we are ‘attracted’ to them but are not living those aspects or words in our own lives then?

What I have done when getting this kind of ‘attraction’ situation is actually looking at (writing out) what are the aspects/words that the person is living that I actually like and where and how I can live that as myself?  From doing so then the whole idea of attraction might simply dispel as I got to see in my case when I did this with great detail in some blogs I shared before too. It all ends and begins in ‘what do I live, what do I express, what can I learn to expand myself on, what can I live with, what do I want to experience and create of myself?’ And so the focus is not on the ‘other’ person.

When to know that one is not doing and living this for oneself but instead is once again ‘falling’ into the depositing of our entire being and expression onto someone else in a relationship? When we believe that any ‘low’ experience as in feeling unsatisfied, depressed, lonely, unappreciated or lacking some kind of will to do things IS because ‘of the other person.’ Hmmm! That sounds very questionable isn’t it? Why would someone else have to ‘be that’ for ourselves? Why would we entrust the totality of our capacity and decision to be who we want to be and what we want to create in someone else’s hands? 

Well, it takes a moment of self-assessment to simply see that any form of dissatisfaction because of having or not having a relationship and not meeting certain expectations in having or not having it, is in fact a distraction, a point of blame that we use to in a way deceive ourselves to not see the obvious self-honesty assessment that is actually needed to be looked at: What am I not Being and Living for Myself? What am I not doing to be the creator of my own wellbeing? What am I not giving and doing for myself, to be and create who I want to be and create? Why am I determining the totality of my being to the potential of this ‘someone’ that ‘eventually’ comes into my life to ‘rescue’ me? Lol, it sounds like the Disney movies but! that was my mentality when I was a teenager and I’m glad I’ve moved from that but I can still see the various experiences that may come up when delegating all of these things that I have to be and live for myself first of all on the hands of my partner for example.

What breaks the spell of this? Self-honesty really, nothing else, reminding myself that no one and no thing outside of me can be my point of satisfaction and fulfillment, because every time that I do that, I lose myself, I ‘fall’ from the wholeness of who I am and cut a chunk out of me until I can grow it back within the awareness of ‘what am I not living and being for myself that I believe I require someone else has to give me?’ So that’s more like the correction and self-direction point, whenever I create a ‘falling’ in my experience, any ‘low’ I have to see where and how I am not expressing me, where am I not doing what I see I can do, learn, be , develop and express that I know will satisfy me and expand my own horizons of who I want to be and create of myself? And then things open up to step into J

In this case, I can see it’s not about ‘relationships’ as such, it’s all about our self-relationship. It is as simple as seeing that if one doesn’t have a well established self-relationship, then the relationships we accept and allow  will contain some beliefs of lacking, needing, wanting, feeling alone and unfulfilled. It is also so that even in relationships we remain alone and it’s interesting because it’s one of the most ‘feared’ experiences at the same time in most human beings, instead of realizing that: we are always alone! Even if surrounded with people, there’s no ‘two’ in one single mind and body, lol. Fascinating to see how much of the, let’s call it ‘consciousness gibberish’ around love and relationships becomes our way of seeing and defining ourselves and so defining how we live and what we live.

This has been a word that I’ve been looking at recently, what I allow myself to ‘be defined by’. This also extends to for example the definition of what I believe I should be ‘living’ or ‘doing’ based on the age I have, the idea that I must have a ‘better definition’ of myself in a certain role or profession or a ‘doing’ that gives me some kind of worth and value. This is not to diminish the definitions that are still very much alive and relevant in the world, but it is about being able to have certain definitions to be able to function in the world, but to not make myself believe that ‘that is all that I am’ and ‘that’s all I can ever be’ or believe myself to only be this one tag, this one label, this one definition…. I would say it’s the other way around in how based on all the definitions that people are living out and how much separation it creates, it has led me to want to live out more of an expansive self where I don’t ‘cage’ myself in conventional ways of having to ‘be.’  And that is liberating, but this mostly opens up as I go facing any form of inner conflict, and ultimately realizing that any form of ‘conflict’ I may create is allowing me to see something that I am still creating a finite definition of, something I believe I must ‘fit into’ or that I ‘should be’ and so forth.

There is an aspect of control that emerges when wanting to fit into a certain idea or belief of what we want to be living or experiencing, and if we don’t get that, it leads to the ‘disappointment’ on things, but ultimately… where does that idea come from? Is it something we are ‘falling’ into believing we ‘must’ have or do or accomplish based on what others live or what society dictates? Or is it something that I am genuinely deciding to live and do and experience for myself because I see the benefit of it?

I’ve noticed a bunch of these things determined by what I get to hear and see from others, but ultimately going into comparison leads nowhere, because no other person is in my same body and being and having the exact same ‘me-ness’ that could perhaps consider doing exactly what the other ‘me’ is doing, lol. It might be sounding extreme, but it is that silly to live in comparison, because even if we are ‘the same’ in our basic functionality, we are unique in how we live such functionality and our context and our live and beingness and body and the rest of the things that are unique to each one of us, which is the amazing part of also getting to know oneself and so getting to know and live with other individuals.

Where am I going with this? To realize that many times we create this idea of relationship as something that ‘must be had’, that ‘must be attained’, that is seen as a ‘lack’ if you are not in one… but the ultimate REAL question I would ask and I would definitely kind of exhort myself and anyone else to look at is: Am I in a healthy relationship with myself? Am I creating my own wellbeing, satisfaction, developing my expression and doing what I see is needed to live my potential? Am I settled in my self-commitment to live with me for a lifetime in this world and beyond? That’s the kind of questions to actually ask, because by default, whatever we decide to live and create from that starting point, will be an extension and reflection of that self-creation and the fulfillment that doing all of those things creates.

 So, I would rather say, dare to be that best for yourself first, dare to give to you what you have believed ‘others’ had to give to you or be for you… that’s limitation, that’s enslavement, that’s codependency and that’s ultimately self-diminishment and nope, I consider we must now go beyond that as human beings.

If we apply this principle more and more, there will be no more ‘traps’ formed in relationships, because we will know where we stand, what we want to create, what we accept and allow and as such, we will acknowledge full responsibility of who we decide to be and who we decide to share our lives with… there will be no more blaming, cheating, lying, manipulating, blackmailing, spiting and many other ‘worst of us’ aspects that emerge through relationships at the moment.

This is how from another perspective, all of the above is also part of our process to discover that ‘worst’ and so the best potential of ourselves through relationships – here careful to not say ‘Ah! That’s why I am Not in a relationship! Because all of that sucks!’ because one things I’ve found is that there is no other way I could be realizing this if it wasn’t for the various relationships I’ve been in – with their ups and downs-  they’ve been very supportive to see myself better and I hope that the same goes for the others involved in them too.

So, it’s about walking relationships just like anything else in this world where we learn to define our stance, how we want to live and what we want to express but always taking the point back to self to be THE starting point of it all within us… might be catalyzed, supported or influenced by those people that we create relationships with, but that’s as far as it can go, it cannot ever be the driving force or reason or motivation for it… we always have to be ‘it’ for ourselves, and whenever it is not, the relationship just falls once again to show us where and how we weren’t standing in the wholeness of ourselves to be able to stand in integrity, self-respect and self-responsibility side by side with others.  And so we learn! And make the necessary changes from that.

Ok that’s what I wanted to share, to essentially let go of the idea of ‘having to be with someone’ if that comes up… best to simply look at where and how I have not fully gotten to get to know me, get to enjoy me, get to go alone and do the things that I know I want to develop and learn about or experience… lol so many times we kind of almost ‘wait’ for doing all of those things ‘with someone’ and! It will be quite rare that any other person will be entirely ‘up for it’ and be at that level with you. This is also a relevant consideration so that we don’t hold others captive to the idea/definition of what we ‘expect’ others to be in our lives… no one is going to ever be that, nor should they be it.

Part of the expansive aspects of being in a relationship with someone is precisely getting to embrace them in their uniqueness, in their expression, with all their ways of being…. If that simply becomes something that you don’t want to live with and experience… there’s no need to ‘keep at it’ for any reason, that would be enslaving and limiting for both. At the same time it is to be aware that there will e challenges where our ego points are being pushed, where our illusions are shattered and when being with another becomes an opportunity to step outside of the definitions of what I ‘believed’ a relationship should be…. lol there is no ‘should’ or ideals that can ever fit a unique situation and expression that takes place between two individuals in a particular space and time…. And this is where letting go of definitions also comes in and more realizing it takes a willingness to expand and from there assess what one wants to live and be with. All about self!

Thanks for reading

 

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Self-Honesty

 

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