Category Archives: self creation

643. Being Ready to Have a Child

 

 Someone asked me in my previous blog about when would one consider to be ready to be a mother? And at first I had no clue of what to respond considering that my decision to be pregnant was definitely not a conscious one, even though I may have been preparing the soil so to speak – which is my body/mind – to it, which I considered I did in a tandem where I focused on a process of healing from some of the most ‘challenging’ aspects of my past that I had been ‘dragging around’, learning to let go and in that, re-directing my focus and attention to myself, my physical and mental wellbeing. Well this became more like a point of focus this year, but I guess it really all started 11 years ago when I decided to walk the Desteni Process for sure and aiming to be a better human in general.

In conversations with my partner and some of our friends, they were pondering how come things seemed to come ‘so easy’ to us as a couple, where we don’t exist in what may be common for most couples like fighting, being in perpetual contempt towards one another and having a hate-love relationship essentially. Perhaps this is not the case for most people reading this, but, I’ve come to find how unfortunately common it is to have the kind of – as they call them -‘toxic relationships’ and how people do embark on – let me say it – daring to have children in that kind of relationship context. Well, back to the question they asked us, the answer I gave is that I had a lot of self-work to do before being able to be in a relationship in the current terms that I am in, that it didn’t come ‘easily’ as it may seem, and that I actually had to go through quite a few trial and error situations where I kept bumping my head against ‘the same wall’ so to speak, where compromising myself and ‘who I am’ would emerge in one way or another over and over again. Of course the problem weren’t ‘others’ but who I was as the starting point of being in a relationship.

The difference this time around is how I approached the person that is now my partner. It didn’t come from a point of desire or need, but more of a genuine getting to know someone that seemed like an interesting person that I wanted to get to know and understand, a curiosity in how ‘he functioned.’ My approach was of providing some support in what he did, which led me to get to know more about him, his life, the kind of ‘wood’ he has through our communication.  Another difference is that – because I wasn’t having any particular ‘interest’ or ‘hidden agenda’ towards him –  I was totally and completely myself – I didn’t have to pretend or portray or ‘handle’ things in a way to keep things ‘flowing’ – which I noticed he also did, like he does with anyone else.

As things progressed I also got to understand how this was a person with a strong character that would not allow much of my usual ‘ways’ in relationships which may end up looking like ‘I want to support you’- which in reality it meant  ‘I want to support you because I want to change you so that you can be the person that I want you to be for me in a relationship’ type of manipulation, which in the end of course is always self-manipulation, nonetheless.

This meant that I stopped trying to ‘change the other person’ or ‘hope they could change this or that in time’ or having things going on that I would just react to and suppress, because! These eventually end up smelling like rotten food that you can’t really ‘overlook’ as time progresses in a relationship – and sometimes, as it’s happened to me, because of not speaking up and letting things continue, one may create an engagement of sorts that then needs to be broken apart for the best of both involved.  That’s the kind of situations I’ve had to walk through and learn from in the past. So now being with a person that is mostly upfront and ‘whole’ in himself allowed me to tell my story as is, have no qualms about it and still find an embracing being that didn’t judge me for what I had judged myself for being like ‘multiple’ faulty decisions or mistakes, but instead embraced me completely.

When it comes to considering someone to walk your life with – and perhaps in consideration of that couple or partnership becoming a parenting team – this was certainly something new and a healthy approach to a relationship, having someone let you know that they only want the best for you no matter what I chose or did. And I did the same towards him. Perhaps this is a bit too personal but there is something quite worthy in someone that can tell you ‘I’m completely fine if you decide this is not for you, but if you are up for it, then I’m completely here for you and we can make it work.’ All the ideas and experiences of relationships I have had were created upon a need and dependency, me deciding to be ‘someone’s joy’ for example, creating a deliberate dependency by ‘giving’ or ‘being’ for another something that they weren’t living or expressing themselves yet. That’s where compromise exists and it is basically impossible to create such kind of dependency when you got a person that’s ‘whole’ within themselves, that have never had a desire for a relationship or wished to be ‘liked’ by someone or anything like that. That to me was something entirely new as a starting point in a relationship and seemed like a very supportive stance and person that I could learn from and also grow with.

I consider that even if this point of compromise is something that I still have to continue keeping an eye on, I’ve gotten better at it. I realized that in the context of relationships it’s easy to go into a fear of loss if one decides to do this or that, and when there’s someone that even though they love you with all their being, they let you know that whenever ‘this’ is not working out for ourselves to be the best that we can individually, that it is completely OK to let go and pursue that for ourselves, that, is something that definitely became a new thing for me to appreciate coming from the mouth of a partner, to no longer live in the idea of ‘bondage’ to someone, but to rather first honor myself. And this is precisely – perhaps – why I am getting to the bottom of this whole point in terms of ‘being ready’ for something, being in a supportive relationship, it’s mostly because and related to learning to genuinely CARE for myself and yes learning to LOVE and appreciate myself individually, first of all.  

One of the things I appreciate about my partner is that self-love and self-regard he has for himself. Some may see him as conceited because of this – I see it though how it is just ‘awkward’ for most people to learn to love themselves and how that translates not in fluffy positive self-talk, but actual actions, changes of ‘life-plans’, changes in one’s daily routine and in the way one decides to be better at whatever one does, doesn’t matter how seemingly ‘menial’ it is. I hadn’t had such example before to be honest, so to me this attitude ‘rang a bell’ wherein I realized how many times we place ourselves in certain relationships to ‘cover up’ or ‘fill in the holes’ that we believe ‘others have,’ so that there can be some kind of codependence formed. And that’s how each one fears end up leaving or losing each other in the end, because one is not actually ‘whole’ first individually.

Back to the chat we were having with our friends, my partner explained this point that I just got to here, that we were two people that were ‘whole’ and saw the potential of kind of working together, sharing a path together, we saw how we could make each other better with our specific skills and innate abilities, a complementing that becomes more of an example, a guideline, rather than ‘doing’ or ‘being’ something for someone else. The ladies in that conversation asked ‘But how do you get to that??’

My partner has his own specific ways which may seem way too ‘simplistic’ for most – to me it seems like it takes a lot of will, courage, drive and self-motivation to make things work, to adapt, to change one’s plans to also consider another- which are not simple traits to develop from the get go, but also not impossible. I shared how to me it has been a process of many years, many mistakes, many falls, many rather unsupportive relationship contexts that I had to go through in order to get to be where I am now. To learn to be ‘whole’ with myself, to be content with and by myself first and to then see how to enhance that with someone that could be in their own way ‘whole’ as well, someone that I can trust would be ‘okay’ by themselves and that there are no ‘knots needed to be tied’ so to speak.

Well, the last point is now different considering that we are going to have a baby which joins us in this journey together – and frankly really  happy about it being with him – and I also consider how somehow we were looking to do this together – or was in the back of our heads – but didn’t really accept it or admit it or thought of it possible. I’m sure it will bring many new challenges to ourselves individually, as a partnership and as a new family, but there’s also a trust in how ‘we’ve gotten ourselves this far’ in a relative short amount of time I’d say and so, we both trust each other that we can do this.

He was mentioning yesterday how it is actually quite the miracle that we can be alive here and today, and not in a fluffy positive way, but more like considering the state of affairs in the world and with life in general, how ruthless it can be, and how we basically can be grateful for what we are, and the opportunity we currently have to be alive and even more so to be preparing to bring another being into the world. I also considered this when I recently had my birthday and I made my Spanish podcast on that day and what emerged to share was gratefulness, gratitude for the life that I currently am, the life that I am bearing, the opportunity we have with our lives even if the world seems to be ‘upside down’, and to keep focusing on how I can ‘give back’ to life that has been given to me unconditionally in every single breath that we take – usually – for granted. This is what has emerged within me, a sense of wonder if you will of what I can get to be, of what we can get to be together as parents and how we can BE the Best of ourselves – as we are continuing to work on doing with ourselves individually and with each other – and for our little one.

Another aspect to share about is the ‘preparation’ that has emerged within this at a physical level in my case as well – well in my partner as well in terms of having better living habits, but that’s his story. As I mentioned in previous blogs, I started this year with the full decision to support myself at a physical level, which I honestly had kind of ‘taken care of’ but hadn’t really linked it to an actual process of healing from the things that were causing continuous deficiencies and sickness in the past year. So, I placed myself in ‘self-creation’ mode. I looked at developing a project based on what I wanted to focus on doing to support other people, then I started getting alternative support for my body like homeopathy and acupuncture, which at the same time led me to start going to Qi Gong classes that have become quite a source of physical support and integration of breath awareness along with physical movements, finally getting to actually be more aware of my body and slowing down, which is something I tried doing only at a mind level, but I was missing the body integration. The progress is definitely something one can notice after several months, but today it was quite enjoyable to do, along with the group of people that go there where we had a nice breakfast reunion after the session. I basically decided to create the time for this and I frankly don’t know why on Earth I was suppressing such desire to explore this kind of ‘exercise’ or more shall I say discipline, so that has been a change as well, to focus on physical support and wellbeing.

I also changed some stuff in my daily nutrition, I stopped taking some ‘mixes’ that I had been using supposedly to get a lot of nutrients from vegetables and fruits, but found out that they were causing a problem in my gut, so I started eating other stuff that I now see as more supportive when it comes to feeding myself. Interestingly enough I also diminished my drinking of coffee – the last ‘stander’ when it comes to my self-defined addictions, up to the point where I just couldn’t stand it at the beginning of the pregnancy and have stopped drinking it ever since. I started taking some vitamins as well which were also something I neglected a lot before to do, so as ‘small’ as this action can be, it became a significant difference for me – and thanks for the support to Ingrid S that also assisted with this. I guess the only constant physical support has always been walking, I wanted to start jogging again, so I also started jogging every now and then but not making it a ‘must’ like it was before, but more like listening more to my body when and as I saw it would be doable and up to the point where I wasn’t hurting my joints and it was genuinely enjoyable while it lasted lol.

The first three months were the hardest I must say. I don’t want to paint a horror show for any lady out there, but in my case I had to really slow down and barely went out of my house and yep that was quite a shock and difficult considering I’ve always been able to just go ‘wherever I want’ and have no limitations in terms of mobility. But it also prompted me to appreciate having more stability and feeling generally ‘well’ after that time to get back to walking, which I started doing bit by bit to see how I would ‘handle’ the situation – up to now that I can walk the usual length without a problem. And then I decided I wanted to swim. My partner gave me a membership to go to swim twice a week as a birthday present, and that was something that brought tears to my eyes, because I really enjoy swimming and this was basically a very supportive kind of gift that I am currently enjoying. I had been ‘desiring’ to get some swimming time for years, but I kept placing ‘money’ as an excuse or time as a constrain, which interestingly enough with the pregnancy, I have kind of ‘given myself permission’ to be more attentive of myself, giving myself the necessary care in many ways and yes, I have been pondering why I hadn’t done this before, for myself?

So, this is also something that I share because basically I see that I could have created this kind of foundation of self-care not only because of being pregnant and preparing my body to be a household for our baby, but because of being that household for myself first of all. I definitely want to pass on an example of self-care and continue with it in whichever measure I can once our child is born, because that’s basically what matters the most, that’s basically the foundation of who we are as individuals as well in this relationship and that’s the kind of message we want to give to our child too.

When sharing with my partner about this question I had gotten in terms of ‘when is one ready?’ he mentioned that it’s essential to be aware of being able to ‘handle’ oneself properly, like taking care of oneself, being able to be whole with oneself, being able to ‘deal’ with oneself effectively. I add to this having that foundation of self-support is essential, because even if what may come is generally uncharted territory, one can certainly stand in self-trust to be able to handle things as they come if one has already been practicing and applying ways to support oneself. In this regard, I rather make obvious the enormous support that walking the Desteni Process has meant for me in my life. I wouldn’t be here and going through what I am if I hadn’t gotten myself to support me through the Desteni tools and all the Eqafe.com supportive audios and by the people that are constantly there as a point of reference and support.

I basically wouldn’t have even understood the gift that becoming a parent can be, I wouldn’t even be probably pregnant because who knows the kind of decisions – probably not very good ones – I would have made in my life, if I had continued that pattern of self-compromise and following certain ‘ideals’ of ‘who I had to be’, which contained ‘zero’ references to settling down or forming a family. The latter only started becoming interesting to me in the past years when I began investigating more of my ‘programming’ in relation to how I would see myself in the future, and how that contained a lot of ‘garbage’ created through the kind of ‘culture’ I thought I wanted to be a part of. Now I’m kind of on the opposite track of that and actually enjoying it, which is something I never thought of doing or becoming, but hey courage is something one has to gather and decide to live, it’s there, just have to pull it through.

In the end, it’s also relevant to say that I wouldn’t have felt ‘ready’ for this – ever – because of the plethora of fears I had created around it and beliefs of ‘not being up for it’ or not being ‘the kind’ of person that’s ‘suited’ to ‘become a mother.’ All of it a bunch of beliefs that I decided to let go of because now it’s the real deal of it and yes, not saying it’s like an instant ‘switch’ where I changed my mind, I explained in my previous blogs about these fears and uncertainties, so here I am sharing mostly how I’ve changed my approach since then. I still get a bit astounded when feeling the first movements inside my belly and realizing wow, this is really REAL! Lol. I’ve also been essentially walking what I proposed myself to do in my last blog, embracing this all as a blank-slate, a blank page, a new point of creation and being aware of not ‘clogging’ it with ideas, expectations, fears and whatnot.

I’m taking it ‘day by day’ essentially and more like enjoying the self-support I can give myself, which I wish every single woman in this world could, because it definitely sucks that the majority are not able to have the time or resources to take proper self-care – physically and mentally – and because of that, well, we have the society that we have where many humans from the womb to the grave live lives of distress, lack, improper education and the list goes on with various deficiencies, which in turn become the society we live in. We definitely have to change that, and I realized that such change started with me, right here and right now, so I’m doing that and getting to enjoy it to be honest.

Now, as a general update, how am I feeling or doing? I’d say quite alright really, sure I am noticing a diminishing in my stamina and that means also being considerate and understanding of why that’s happening, and so to not judge myself for having to take naps or take things ‘easier’ – seeing it as ‘ugh I feel lazy’ – but rather reminding myself: I am creating/baking/growing a new being inside me! How else would I expect to feel? Also embracing the actual ‘shocking’ aspect that it can be to see your body get heavier and grow a belly that augments by the day, lol! That’s definitely something I still can gasp at when looking at myself in the mirror, but then, remind myself why it’s happening and how it is also temporary.

Perhaps one of the things I would change from the first months is pushing myself to move a little bit more around, being less grasped by fear of loss and try some gentle exercises and stretches, because I definitely became idle and that had an impact on me physically and mentally, so it’s been great to move a lot more again – but then again, as I reach the last trimester and baby bump grows, lol, new challenges will emerge in my mobility perhaps and other kind of preparations will take place, but, I’m up for it.

Another thing I would say to anyone that may have been similar to me in terms of being the kind of person that always said ‘no’ to having children or never really openly ‘wished’ to have children, to embrace the opportunity if one decides to go for it, to self forgive and let go of fears or beliefs of ‘not having what it takes’ – and instead replace them with creating or continuing to create and build a strong foundation of self support, so that no matter ‘what’ with the newness of this phase in one’s life, one can have that pillar of support in oneself, in that foundation of self-support – like to me it is Desteni and everyone involved in with whom I have walked with for over a decade – a supportive partner and a supportive family – if they decide to and are willing to be involved. In my case I’m quite grateful to have their support and yes, this is when one gets to realize how important it is to have others’ experience and willingness to help because they have gone through a similar situation. So, this is a learning point for me in terms of being able to ‘be that’ for others whenever I get to be able to do that for others too.

I understand that there may be women that are up for having babies without the father, or without the support of a family – and, well, that’s quite courageous, but I’d say even then, it’s probably preferable to find a network of support. Nowadays you can find lots of groups of people with children or willing to support each other in the absence of a partner or family, or because of work. So, yes there’s a way, perhaps I would be more wary of the point of deliberately choosing to not have a ‘father’ for a child, but that’s another story and I have no direct experience of any of it, so I will simply not go there here.  There’s always a way, so this is something that I’ve been keeping in mind ever since deciding to have a baby and yep, embarking myself in total uncharted territory here, but that’s part of life and in my life, I basically have had more of an ‘easy’ life so, I’m looking forward to it, because I am aware how it will become a catalyst for more changes, more challenges and I’m kind of looking forward for that, lol.

So to wrap this up, I guess that there can be a myriad of ‘ideal’ scenarios of ‘when to be ready’ but, ideals rarely come to exist in reality. So, I would rather boil it down to being able to be at a point of stability and having that foundation of self-support – physically and mentally speaking – and as I say ‘stability,’ it may seem elusive for some, but it is not, it does require self-work, and sure one cannot wait to be at a ‘perfect stability’ because that’s more like ideal again, but not necessarily a reality. It’s more about being at a point where you are mostly OK with yourself and not having major ups and downs in life… or who knows perhaps taking such a decision like having a child creates such ‘time-to-pull-up-your-pants’ type of effect where one then gets serious with being the best person that we can, I guess it can work in different ways with as many people as there exist, but these are some of my humble opinions, and who knows? I might be missing out some other essentials or underestimating the whole situation, but, that’s  also ok, I will find my way as I go, so that’s the current approach that I have.

This is all also in consideration not only of oneself – one’s life and one’s body – but about the partner that we joined our life with in a very physical manner that means a new being, a new life that’s to come, that’s why I emphasize on the importance of having a solid and supportive relationship as well as preparing one’s body to give the best support one can as a mother to a child – and the supportive relationship. But, I understand how that may not be possible for some, but whatever you can do and handle, make sure you are entirely ‘up for it’ with whichever may come from it all – this is relevant. Otherwise, there might be backtrackings, regrets and so forth – this is totally about learning to be unconditional for another being and that requires full awareness of what that practically entails. I can be preparing myself for that, but it’s only a concept for now, so I’ll see how it goes once baby is finally here J

Ok so, this is it for now. Nothing of what I share do I imply ‘has to be that way’ of course, I can only speak from my current situation and experience and ‘who I had been’ in relation to this topic, and who I am now as my new approach to it.

If there are any other comments, ideas, questions, suggestions, I’m all eyes to them.

Thanks for reading!

 

Please have a listen to these awesome audios on Eqafe.com about the process that Horses go through when being pregnant… it is a humbling lesson to see ‘where we’re at’ as human beings with our self-awareness when it comes to birthing a new being, hence the decision I also made to support myself to the best of my ability and to the best that my current awareness allows me to


  1. Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse – Part 1

  2. Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse – Part 2


  3. Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse – Part 3

As well as general support for parenting and relationships here:

 Pregnancy

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of creating yourself to be the best that you can be:


641. Early Stages of Pregnancy: Doubts, Fears, Worries and Getting to Own the Decision

 

 This is a long overdue blog, but there are a couple of reasons why I wanted to write and share about it once that there were certain points ‘in place’ for me to openly do it. This is about the most important decision I’ve made and am still actually learning to walk in my life and to get to a point of owning it, which will mean stepping into a new phase in my life, stepping into ‘the unknown,’ into what throughout most of my life had defined as ‘the most fearful thing’ I ever could think of doing – or the ‘biggest fear’ that I could name whenever anyone asked me ‘what is it the think that you fear the most?’ and one that I thought myself to be quite certain of when it came to ‘saying no’ to it – and yes, I even may declare myself as a ‘culprit’ for having also at times attempted to discourage people from doing, since I also went through a phase where I considered overpopulation was ‘the problem’ in our world – and not the nature of who we are and so ourselves being the solution, not the ‘quantity’ – but, I’ve learned my lessons and have given myself the chance to evolve from such limited mindset that was part of some brainwashing I went through when being a ‘concerned teenager.’ And yes, I truly thought that it wasn’t going to be something I’d have to go through in life.

Well, as always, Life says ‘here I come’ and change knocks at your door and….! I am now four months pregnant (!) and the idea of bringing a child into this world with the best person I’ve known and have had as a partner is an idea that is now sitting quite well within me and I am embracing more and more as days go by, where there is actual joy and gratefulness emerging as we continue to establish the foundation of who we are individually, what we would like to provide to our child and the benefits that we can create for a new person coming into this world, for ourselves and better so, for society and the world at large… but! This wasn’t my immediate experience and it’s been a process to get to that point – I’d say it still is – so this will be about sharing the experiences I’ve been having throughout these past months.

First of all, I didn’t want to share how fearful I was and still not having walked through those fears in a way that could be supportive for others to read and possibly learn from. So, this will be a detailed explanation of what I went through when finding out I was pregnant and being open about the fears that emerged, the uncertainties, the comparisons, the prejudices that yes perhaps I didn’t even dare to confront within myself, but that I deeply experienced and had to eventually work through within myself with the support of others to as well to it, which otherwise would have probably made this a lot tougher.

I found out in May 22nd that I was pregnant with a simple pregnancy test. I had my suspicions since I’m quite regular with my period and there was already like a 3 to 4 day delay, and there were other unusual ‘symptoms’ that I wouldn’t get in my regular period. This is not my first ‘am I pregnant?’ type of ‘scare’, but this time I was doubled-troubled about it, I feared it more than other times if it turned out that it could possibly be a ‘yes.’ Somehow in the back of my head I kept the idea of ‘possibly’ perhaps, maybe, somehow having a child later on, but interestingly enough somewhere last year I had made a very ‘clear’ decision to not go into the ideas of having a child – at least for now, or so I thought! Lol. Even though being honest, the thought did emerge based on the relationship I have with my partner, but then I simply went into a more ‘rational’ view that included certain fears about finances and being able to provide for a child up to the time they are  capable of supporting themselves. Yep, since then the money concern emerged as well.

But I have to backtrack a little bit because the whole context of myself throughout this year is quite interesting to look at in what I now see almost as a ‘preparation’ of what would come almost in the middle of the year. I decidedly started the year with what I have defined now as a healing and self-creation process, which involved walking the decision to support myself to work on some points that I had just been dragging around and that could ‘possibly’ be linked to causing some health issues – which were actually intermittently happening throughout the past year – and I decided to look for alternative ways to support myself instead of only resorting to taking medicine and hoping that I ‘eradicate’ it that way. In a ‘shout out’ to get support,  I took the offer from my fellow life-processer walker and sharp-eyed friend Leila to have a Life Alignment session with her for support, and I would say that such session at the end of December of last year  turned my life around for good.

 Leila’s support and session assisted me tremendously to become aware of certain patterns I was still defining as ‘having to carry them’ to finally come to understand, forgive and let go of them, which were most likely the emotional issues causing the consequences I was facing at a physical level. Through opening up all the points that came up in that session and taking the route of the suggested alternative support, I was able to open myself up to a healing phase and at the same time, to really step into a point of self-creation that I had kept ‘on hold’ because of, in a way, still ‘torturing’ myself with the past and not really forgiving myself completely.

So, from January on after that session with her, I visited a regular doctor to find out what I had – which yes had to do something with the reproductive system – and decided to go to alternative therapies to assist with the healing and body balancing process, while knowing that there were very clear points I had to work with and process emotionally as well, which I did as well and it definitely turned my life and inner presence around as well. I started taking Qi Gong classes which I definitely enjoyed, as well as getting to hear these other two alternative medicine specialists on ‘my case,’ which assisted me a lot as well to have that understanding of how I created my own symptoms and recurrent illness – and in a way, reinforce the perspectives that I had been ignoring: being able to self-forgive and let go. Yep, at times we can be stubborn in believing we have to ‘hold on’ to something as some kind of ‘pay for the sins’ – not recommended at all, folks.

I started focusing on what I wanted to create and do this year. I started working on developing a workshop related to developing self-introspection and self-creation through the creation of art. Here my friend and terrific Life Coach Joe Kou assisted me personally with grounding these plans and projects, along with my workshop partner to ground and refine this project we had and getting to define what we wanted to actually give to do and provide to others. I was quite excited about the whole process and I’m still grateful for everything that I got to learn and – most importantly – get to define for myself in terms of ‘who I am’ in my ever ‘doubtful’ type of relationship with art. The project may be on hold, but I’m quite certain that all of these talks with Joe also assisted me to tap more into my personal potential and getting back in touch with my creative capacity again, lol, perhaps the creative capacity emerged just in a ‘slightly’ different way, lol.

I consider that all of these initiatives to support myself and the changes that I embarked myself on at an internal and external level – like setting myself into a point of self-creation and ‘breathing life’ into myself again, gaining a new perspective on life – contributed to ‘opening the gates’ to something else that I had not necessarily planned or expected, lol. Interestingly enough all the alternative support I had was also focused on getting my reproductive organs and general hormonal system balanced out. I also did some changes in my diet, but I still had some deficiencies like feeling sometimes very weak and so on. Interestingly enough, I actually didn’t want my ‘next period’ to come, because of the last massive blood loss I have had, and what would I know? That such period never came… Lol! Well my body is wise after all.

So back to the point of finding out ‘the news’ and how this time around I felt very different to go and get that pregnancy test, I was actually fearful, I even got a bit pissed on the way back from the pharmacy which is a pattern I ‘thought’ I had already ‘nipped in the bud’. I recognize that I was simply quite fearful. Well, I came home, did the test and hoped that the faint line that appeared was simply a mistake, that it wouldn’t mean a POSITIVE result. See, I actually thought I was having some delays because my body had been quite wonky in the past weeks prior to my ‘period date,’ or I thought that all the homeopathy and acupuncture sessions would be destabilizing my period a bit, but it wasn’t like that. I asked Leila about it and well yep, she let me know that even if the line is faint… it is a YES. Lol, I had not read the pregnancy test instructions properly either it seems, since I later on read that was a common thing to happen even if it was ‘very faint.’

I called my partner right after I found out. I was quite shocked and didn’t know what to do, it’s almost as if I just wanted to ‘go back in time’ and avoid it all. We decided to talk it out at night when he came home. And his response – as always – is that of taking absolute responsibility and supporting me in whichever I decided. Yep, this was tougher in a way because he said he would be ok with whatever I decided – to have the baby or not – because of me being the one that would actually go through the whole physical process of birthing the baby, and yes understanding the role of the mother in it all. He stood firm in his disposition for whatever I decided, because he simply wanted me to be ok with it.

But, as he explained this, I saw that I just didn’t have it in me to say ‘no’ to this – and his calm and assertiveness to receive the news definitely gave me an example of how one doesn’t have to ‘freak out’ as one may expect.  This is where the notion suddenly hit me: a new LIFE is taking place now in your body as we speak and this is not a matter of chance. This is a result of me also having a relationship with my partner and acknowledging that, ultimately, there’s always that chance of getting pregnant even if there’s protection involved. And at the same time, I knew that it was only what I in the moment called ‘the worst of me’ that would say ‘no’ to it, which were a bunch of fears, self-definitions, comparisons, self-doubt and general uncertainty that would prevent me from saying ‘YES, let’s do it’. In other words, I knew that only ‘the worst’ part of me – or the weakest one – would say ‘No,’ because everything else can be worked out, like in terms of finances which was one of my biggest ‘fears’ around the idea of having a baby, but that has also changed as time has progressed and we’ve both opened up this point and I am very much learning from what I could say is more like my ‘partner’s process’ which has everything to do with entrepreneurship and financial education – which actually also touches on very similar principles that I’ve walked on for these past 11 years.  Money hasn’t been my ‘forte’ but I am learning a lot from how my partner currently approaches it, therefore I am learning to not only see fears and lack in my relationship with money, but rather learning HOW we can make things work and genuinely decide what is of real value, which we both agree on is not a ‘ton of material things’ in that sense, but rather seeing the actual wealth there is in the education that we can provide for the child as well.

Before this moment condensed into a reality, I actually have had a dream on April 16th where I would realize I was pregnant, and it felt extremely real, or dare I say ‘frightfully real.’ I would think something like ‘Oh oh! I’m pregnant, this is actually happening’ and I would kind of move to making a decision about it and I would think to myself: ‘Well, I guess it’s time to grow up now’ And my presence and nature would be that of embracing it, of actually accepting it and being ok with it. Only afterwards did some financial fears emerged about ‘how I would go on about it’, which I guess is one of the most common fears that emerge whenever you start planning to have a child or are already pregnant. I woke up from that dream and said  to my partner ‘I had a nightmare! And proceeded to share what the dream was about, Lol! But I let it go and didn’t make much of it.

So once that we were discussing about the pregnancy that night of the day we found out, I remembered that dream and how I had afterwards assessed that it had been ‘the best part of me’ that had stood up in the dream to be ok with it, accept it and embrace this maturity or new phase and ‘letting go of the childish me’ so to speak, which I know is also quite the problem in my generation, which involves not really wanting to take responsibility for ourselves, and ‘worse off’ not for any other either.  I also knew that in a way I was holding on to this belief that I had always said to everyone when asked about wanting or having kids and always saying ‘No, no, no… Me? No! that’s not for me, I won’t have kids. That’s the most important decision in life and the most important job in the world, and I respect parents a lot, they are really brave, hat’s off, but that’s just… not for me.’ But deeply inside knowing this was in fact cowardice and so in a way I realized that the time had come for me to face one of those ‘greatest fears,’ which I opened up about – to a certain extent – to my partner.

There was a sense of responsibility as well but also of understanding how I just was very scared of assuming now my decision and responsibility. I can definitely say that such discussion was assuring for me from the perspective that he assisted me to dispel some of the most immediate fears around money, about ‘not being capable’ of doing this and rather seeing the possibilities and how this kind of challenges would actually support us to grow more and to give ourselves another purpose to our lives together and in our personal development. I realized later on that, as he said, this was our chance to actually create some change in the world, which it certainly is. I’m glad as well how this is something I came to understand some years ago where I went from seeing kids as ‘a burden to the planet’ to more like the opportunity actually change the current state of affairs in humanity over the generations, and what a better way and opportunity to do so than with being able to raise a child.

At that moment I decided to say ‘Yes, let’s do it’ but it wasn’t a FULL decision made with the wholeness of my being. I still had the fears, the uncertainties, the fear of losing the baby in those first 3 months of gestation, the fear of going through problems that would not enable the proper development of the child, fearing that my body wasn’t ‘fit for it’ yet, etc. These fears plagued my head for weeks – and yes I accepted and allowed it. I knew that I had said YES and went on with it, but a part of me was simply fearing that ‘it would not happen,’ that my body was not ‘at its best’ to be carrying a baby. I also feared letting go of the plans I had recently created, I feared letting go of the ‘ME’ that I’ve known and the idea of just having to ‘do what I please’. Yep in essence, I did go through a mourning process in a way of having ‘my plans’ changed and then at the same time not having anything certain yet – nothing is, still – but in my mind at least it is now ‘safer’ to say that I am pregnant because of the amount of time that has transpired and because I’ve seen the baby developing really well in the womb J Who knows, yes anything can happen, but then I also walked another point that I will describe later on in terms of not being defined by the outcome, but walking a decision regardless of it.

So for me in general, finding out that I was pregnant, that WE are going to be parents and bring a human being into this world wasn’t immediately met with enthusiasm, happiness,  joy and jubilee – as I had perceived ‘I should have done’ but why? Because of my fears, mostly of the pregnancy actually ‘not sticking,’ of my body not being ‘fit’ enough to develop another life within me, not having ‘what it takes’ to bring a child into this world. These were mostly the fears that became an incessant type of doubt and uncertainty throughout most of the first weeks. And the fears then sparked up more and with some pains I had that demanded me to be ‘taking it easy’ most of the time and minimize my activity – like barely going out for 3 months – and then on top of that the nausea started kicking in… I just felt like in a limbo. That’s all I could say to my partner for some weeks ‘I feel like in a limbo’ of not being able to truly say ‘this is certain, we are having a baby’ or not, and yes there is that ‘weight’ over me to in a way ‘make it happen,’ but fortunately enough my partner was always supportive and considerate and not really concerned if it couldn’t get to form and ‘happen’ as expected. But he also taught me to stop expecting ‘the worst’ all the time, which I am still learning and frankly once again getting to step out of, since it’s almost as if my old-age pessimism kicked back in.

The nausea so far has been the worst of the pregnancy process up to now, I mean I don’t want to discourage anyone with saying this, but I do want to be as realistic as possible because this is my experience and I really felt like a zombie, like constantly ill for weeks on.  I also felt ‘odd’ for not being so ‘happy’ about the news at first  – even though when sharing the news to those closest to me, it felt like there was a sense of joy in it, but that I couldn’t just for now ‘take it for granted,’ so I would just go back to the limbo-phase of smiling but deep inside me, not really being certain of what I was ‘getting myself into’ nor if it would physically ‘work out, or that I had ‘what it takes’ to pull it off.  

I must say that abortion (miscarriage) had not been in my mindset or radar before, this I mostly got as a ‘real scare’ because of knowing of a situation from someone I know that went through it and that kind of placed it in my awareness and, yes, what can I say? I moved the least I could because, it would hurt and be painful to just go walking to the store close-by. I felt like crippled because of not having my ‘me time’ every day to just go out and about with my long walks and generally longed for ‘feeling fine’, but I also realized this was part of a process and decision I had agreed to go through and that I had to actually care about another’s life developing within me, one that me and my partner had planted as a little seed. And because yes a 20 minute walk ‘at my usual pace’ had detonated a pain that actually got me in pain and therefore in crying and fearing that I would be placing this baby’s life at risk, I decided to keep myself resting and that was definitely a tough time where even writing became very repetitive and somber with describing only the worst of the experiences, and found it difficult to see any ‘light at the end of the tunnel.’ I knew that this was taking a toll on me, so I reached out for support again.

Once again, it was through Leila’s support with her Life Alignment session that assisted me to actually open up this ‘limbo-mindset’ and get to face it, even though I had seen the fears moving in my mind and me demonstrating it and acting them out in what became, I would say,’ the pessimist me’ that was ‘waiting’ just for the time to pass so that I could have ‘some certainty’ of actually being pregnant, actually having a baby or not. More like desiring to have some ‘control’ over the idea of being pregnant or not.  Through the session I was able to face and open up the fears about ‘it not really happening’ and I actually allowed myself to realize I was in fact fearing not having the baby, and that I was at the same time in a way mourning or letting go of ‘the old me,’ and I got to see the ‘big’ point that I’ve seen comes up in my life when having to take care of another being: selfishness. And that whole idea of ‘me, my time, my life, only doing what I want and what I like’ and having that self-definition printed on me like my creed, a very limiting one to be honest. I actually cried out when realizing through the session how I was in fact preventing me from embracing, being happy and joyful about the pregnancy because of not wanting to create ‘a bond’ with someone that I could ‘lose’ or see not ‘happening’ if something went awry.

I’ve also taken this as if Life was also throwing this ball at me kind of like saying ‘So you speak of supporting life, and life in equality, and wanting the best for all eh? But you don’t want to actually have a child and see what it takes to actually care for another life as yourself?’ Well, this is my characterization of it lol, but I saw my own principles and words ‘staring back at me’ and this also led me to see that it was – again – only the worst of me that could be fearing stepping into a new phase in my life. Leila assisted me to realize there was a mourning process of letting go as well of ‘the me and my life that I’ve known up to now’ but most importantly, I was able to admit to myself that I actually wanted to have the child, I just feared not having it and having to go through the loss and the pain that goes with it.

In a way, I was creating a detachment  as a defense-mechanism to the whole idea of being pregnant because then my logic was ‘If it doesn’t ‘stick then I would not feel ‘attached’ or already ‘hyped’ with the idea and having let everyone know about the news.’ It became something like a ‘safe spot’ to be at, to not be so defined by the idea of having a child, because I still ‘could not be certain.’ Well, it then became obvious how then how my decision to say ‘Yes, let’s do it’ contained this whole point of uncertainty and fears in the background – and selfishness as well, making it about ‘how I feel’ instead of actually rooting and being up for giving it my all and being my best at it for something that I am deciding to do along with my partner.  So this also took some time for me to assimilate and actually open up to the new and actual change in life.

What opened up in that session also enabled me to discuss these points with my partner, and he was able to understand what I meant when I would say ‘I still can’t believe we are going to have a child’ – which he would understand as some kind of pleasant surprise statement, but to me it was a real ‘I can’t still be certain of it’, I still can’t ‘wrap my head around it,’ and also because of the early stages of it. So that was yet another very supportive talk we had, where we got to open up one of my most ‘ingrained’ traits, which is yes, pessimism and almost expecting the worst of all things to happen at any moment. So I got to open up about these and other fears, which is also where I got to see how my own mindset was generating this sense of uncertainty and fear, and how I wasn’t allowing myself to fully LIVE the decision of having a baby and instead, being almost like ‘leaving it at the hands of life to decide what would be or not be.’ And here it’s very relevant to make a distinction as well because sure, it could have or could still happen that it doesn’t work out, and that then would be something for me to get to understand, learn from, embrace and move on with. But I no longer fear having to go through it as I did at the beginning.

The main point here is how I was creating this whole fear and uncertainty because of not realizing that I could decide to be OK with either/or scenario as well. I was defining myself already by the idea that ‘losing the baby’ would be a bad, negative, painful process and that would ‘define me’ somehow – so that’s how I then would ‘prevent’ going through all such ‘negative things’ by remaining in that limbo = not being truly standing in and as my decision to have the child, because then logic said “If ‘something happens’ = It would not be something that I was already ‘attached’ to, or future projecting about.” Well, this was quite revealing to me in how I was in fact standing only in fears and prejudices. I had to stop. My partner was awesome in discussing this with me, he is in fact the most supportive partner I’ve ever had and has been an exemplar pillar of support for me since day one, and he was able to assist me to face these points and to realize that I didn’t have to be defined by either outcome, that either way: Life goes on and we will be fine at the end of it all.

An interesting thing though to realize is that at that stage and having walked our first months with the pregnancy together, I realized that based on how enthusiastic he was, how he pushed himself to from the get-go get himself ‘moving’ to do things he needs to do to have sufficient time and financial support for when the baby arrives, and how every single day he would wake up with a smile in his face and saying ‘we’re going to have a baby!’ that even if this didn’t ‘happen,’ I would still go through the whole thing again to try it again. Lol! I can’t believe my words, but it is so. Based on the values that we share, the ‘who we are’ that we can share with a new being definitely becomes an attractive idea that overrides everything else that I also feared like the actual pregnancy and birthing process, the incessant crying, the growing pains, the discomforts when they are little babies etc.… that goes to a secondary stage when placing ‘what we both have to offer’ to a child, not to mention that he loves children and is quite a natural with them, treating them the same way as I do, not from an ‘I’m an adult and you are a child’ type of starting point, but one of equals and talking to them as the fully formed beings they are. And so that does fill my heart with joy in a way, to work together now on someone else based on seeing how well we get along and how supportive and loving we are to each other, as in really assisting ourselves to be the best that we can as individuals.

What has emerged within me therefore is an actual gratefulness of this opportunity to bring a child into this world and I basically turned my stance around from indecision, fears, what ifs, future worst-case scenario creations to rather being able to trust myself in this, to know that we can together handle this because we got the foundation that’s most important – from my perspective – a solid, supportive and loving relationship where we each have demonstrated each other to support ourselves to live the best that we can be, and that we haven’t ever ‘pushed us down’ to become the worst of us, but quite the contrary, and this has been a daily living thing, which has shown tremendous results in both of our lives.  

I am not fearful or ashamed to say that this time around, I wasn’t the ‘strong one’ with this whole new path and decision in my life, I wasn’t the one that would ‘help the other’- as I was used to – to come to terms with something. I was definitely the one that was supported by my partner who stood solid and quite optimistic about the whole thing. It was definitely another point of ego for me to let go of, because I had always believed that in my relationships, I’d always be the one to ‘help the other out,’ and I am actually glad and grateful to be with someone by your side that is there to support you when one is crumbling in fears and in a general low. So, it is also safe for me to say that as much as the decision was placed ‘on my plate,’ I knew that this decision would not only impact me of course, that this was part of my partner’s life process and a point that was opening up for both of us in the path we decided to walk together J And I couldn’t be happier about it now that I’ve come to assimilate it, embrace it and root for it as the days go by. 

But, who knows if I haven’t had a supportive partner or someone that was as pessimist as I was, or as fearful or only focusing on ‘financial problems’ or seeing it as a ‘load’ or doubting themselves in not being able to ‘pull it off.’ I guess that things would have been a bit different, but this is also a general point to become aware of when being in a relationship and not having a super secure method to avoid pregnancy – if not desiring to have any children –  to be aware of the possibilities of getting pregnant and making sure that one is in a supportive relationship, that one can actually step into that possibility of having a child together and know exactly where each other stands in it. Otherwise, this is also a problem in humanity where people just ‘get together’ because they ‘like each other’ or have some ‘fun together,’ but have no idea of where each one stands in the ‘hypothetical’ yet very possible scenario of having children which it surely is a life changing situation.

In my case, that is something I considered, I observed and assessed and ‘tested the waters’ on with my partner to know where he stood in such potential situation. It would have been quite different if ending up pregnant with someone that perhaps really dislikes children or wants to just have a partnership relationship forever. So even if this wasn’t planned, I sure knew where my partner stood about it and now I embrace that unconditional support that he has become for me in my life and receive it in gratefulness, instead of perhaps going into regret for not having stood up and being ‘my best’ from the get go – this is part of the things I probably had to learn and experience firsthand to then be able to root or ground myself in this life changing decision.

There are so many other things that have opened up in relation to walking now into a bit of a more ‘certain’ phase of the pregnancy, like looking at how it will change our lives, the ‘letting go’ of ‘me/my-time’ for some years, but at the same time actually being glad about it because it is in fact an opportunity to test myself in a whole new terrain, to learn more about myself, to learn to work in a team with my partner, to learn to live that unconditional love and care towards another being, and be that which I would want every newborn child in this world to have: a supportive environment, a supportive family, a pair of individuals that are preparing themselves to do the best they can to bring up a life in this world that can continue our individual paths to become better human beings in all that we do. It is fascinating how to me this is what excites me the most and knowing that this is a child that will contain both of our lives and paths to in a way, re-birth ourselves into the best, to assist in the process of possibly getting to correct the things that we both know is the worst of us and to be able to in essence create – perhaps – a better version of ourselves and of our parents in this forthcoming phase of our lives.

So in essence, now that the nausea has subsided, now that I’ve seen how the baby is doing, there’s more of a sense of certainty around it. And even with the process of planning, placing ourselves in the position of ‘preparing’ to the next year when baby arrives, is opening up so many cool discussions between us where I get to be more and more certain and actually quite happy and grateful to be carrying a life that contains my partner’s life as well, because he is quite an extraordinary human being that has demonstrated, in a rather short period of time, to be able to turn his life around in ways that few people I know have been able to. That assists me in my own trust and confidence to walk into this new phase in life.

It’s also very relevant for women to have that kind of support in a partner considering that I have seen how there are emotional upheavals, there are changes one goes through in the body and that having a partner that doesn’t react to my ‘emotional upheavals’– but understands it’s part of the process –  that gives comforting words and caresses, that doesn’t judge my body as it goes through its changes, that helps me to see that the discomforts and so on is part of the process for something better to come is something that I am truly grateful and learning from, and absolutely relevant and a great example as well for me to see how it is possible to face even the ‘difficult parts’ with a better sight on things to come. So if you are a male reading this, it’s best to also do your part on getting to understand what women go through in pregnancy, which is what my partner has done in his spare time, even to the point where he has now gotten to explain certain things to me, because he’s made the decision to be there all the way to support me and wants to be, what he calls, a ‘second mother’ lol, and not be the typical father role that is portrayed in pregnancy books-  or at least the older ones that I got from my sisters J

So to me, as important as it is to be taking physical care of myself, having proper nutrition – after a few of the rather not so supportive ‘cravings’ I gave into in the first weeks – gaining more confidence in going for walks, stepping out of general fears and doubts of ‘being able to do this,’ and more like embracing the being that is growing in me it is also important to have that equal stance from the other in the relationship. So as with anything, I guess for anyone reading this my suggestion is to yes prepare the body and one’s mind as much, but to also fully, fully disclose and talk things out with your partner first and know ‘where he stands’ in it all, because it does require great courage to embrace this in the best way possible. Sure we all got our points to walk, but that’s where having that support in one another comes in to face such experiences. Well, I say this, but I bet my partner would simply say that any challenge in life is an opportunity to motivate himself more, a challenge that makes him just push himself and see the benefits that it creates, which become a well-rounded purpose in life and that to me is quite an example I am learning from and grateful to be walking along this new path with.

To me this whole process has taught me how I don’t have to play strong all the time, or still fall into the belief that ‘I am the one that should save or assist others,’ but rather recognize my own weaknesses and be ok with receiving support from those that are around me and to ask for specific support when needed, otherwise, who knows where I would have been without the support I got from my partner, my immediate family, Leila, Joe and the people that directly worked on myself and my body with the alternative therapies, which I am also grateful for having the opportunity to have.

I realized it is also OK to not be initially happy, ecstatic, joyful and jumping up and down about the idea of being pregnant. I understand that I don’t have to compare myself to how other women – specifically – have faced their pregnancy or motherhood process, and I kind of knew that I set myself up to this kind of uncertainty and fears because of me having fed the fears of ‘having a baby’ or ‘becoming a parent’ for most of my life, it was ‘THE’ most feared point in my existence, and I held it as a very ingrained belief. So this is another learning point to become aware of what we say ‘never to’ and realize that Life may have a different plan for us and that we may actually end up facing such things we ‘fear the most’ and that it is actually not something to fear, but to rather take on as a challenge, an opportunity for growth, for change and to embrace the opportunities and paths that it will entail.  And that it is ok to not be all smiles about it, but take it as a very physical process of growth and development that it is and eventually as the very real responsibility and opportunity to challenge myself that it will represent with all that entails to be a parent, and be definitely fully UP for it – or at least knowing that I can trust myself to work on the bits I may go facing and being uncertain of, or the mistakes I may make. It’s all part of life.

I wake up every day aware of being pregnant and that is quite something to see growing in my body, but more so enjoying as well how this has opened up so many potentials in our lives in how we can best support a new child coming into this world, how to best prepare us, how to be also OK with making mistakes and facing the unexpected too, to not try and have everything ‘under control’ or attempt to ‘know as much as I can’ either. I am also allowing myself to simply take it easy with it, focusing on our physical wellbeing and continuing building the bond with my partner through it with the expectation of a third person coming into our home J He says we will be having so much fun, and I’m so glad he sees it that way because it is contagious how he can talk about what I would’ve defined as ‘tough things to go through ahead’ and he’d see it as something funny to go through, something challenging that can push one to the limits of seeing how much one can stand through. Lol, anyways it has assisted me a lot to have a different outlook on the idea of becoming a mother, becoming parents and yes, why not, also leaving that ‘selfish-me’ phase behind, which sure might be challenging, but hey, this is what Life has now placed on my plate, so that means I’m ready, I can take it, let’s do it J

Thanks for reading if you got up to here! I’m open to any feedback, questions or comments – or any topic that may require going into some depth.

For Spanish speakers, I’ve been sharing my weekly process within the pregnancy and reflecting back on how things apply to anyone else in their lives in my Encausarte Podcast from Episode #23 on.

Recommended series! Parenting on Eqafe.com

 

Life Emerges

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty


638. A Redefined Spirituality

 

 The following is inspired by the writings of a life  colleague –  as I am now deciding to define him – who shared a lengthy letter to me as a response to something that I wrote him in an intent to assist in seeing the blueprint of the points that I consider were veiling him from seeing through the steps to get back into an ownership of his self creation and self awareness,  which he has walked in his very own set of paths of ways – but interestingly enough, we have found each other having the same intent and purpose in our lives which we will be joining in an common project where we can share more of our personal experiences and processes with many more that might find themselves in the same kind of ‘holes’ in our creative processes that we have both acknowledged having been limited by in our creative paths of inner and outer creations.  

To give some context to this self forgiveness, this is a reflection of what I see of myself in his words and speaks to anyone that can identify themselves with being ‘a seeker’ or someone that seeks meaning to one’s own existence, to one’s own creation in many ways and paths and if not getting to live their potential, it becomes a source of emotional and detrimental experiences such as falling generally ‘ill’ in the form of lacking direction and purpose, being stagnant in expression, losing sight of the ‘bigger picture’ in life, being veiled by emotions such as dread, depression, sadness, despair and in a way blaming everyone else that doesn’t seem to care for life and the world as oneself as the source for our own apathy and frustration, not realizing we are ‘it’ ourselves too in living out that character of disempowerment and helplessness and victimization.

 To sum up, it reminded me a lot of the path that I’ve also walked and that it’s still part of me and I have not forgotten it, I just have in a way stepped out of the cocoon and see things quite differently now, but it is as if I am embarking myself in this new project and walking with him in this project in this phase of my life because our will was mightier than the limitations that we many times fell into, and I’m genuinely glad and happy to see him slowly but surely realizing these things and taking on his creative path again, which I recognize that I have to do myself in my own self imposed limitations as well, and it’s great to have someone to walk such path with, someone that understands the seemingly ‘similar’ kind of patterns that some of us ‘creative’ people go through, but many often give up half way and get lost in the midst of ‘the fog’ and don’t persevere enough to see through the illusions to remain ‘with the finger in line’ as he says, living one’s expression and will, despite the nature of everything and everyone around us as it currently exists, but being courageous enough to understand things at a deeper level and hold that little flame alive within us no matter what, and let each other know ‘hey I am here, I understand, I walk with, let’s work together’ which is quite priceless and unique to find seemingly ‘out of nowhere’ and here is to say as well that coincidences don’t exist, only what we determine ourselves to be and do which eventually takes us to where we need to be to fulfill that which we set ourselves to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep quiet and wait for someone else to make the decisions of what I should be and do and within that, diminishing bit by bit my determination to express and take responsibility for the decisions that I make and what I live in my life, which I realize diminished my ability to live me and bit by bit dried the flow of the abundant river that I have always been aware exists as me, as the life that I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself into experiences of despair and arguing for my limitations in neglect cultivating my own confidence and stance that has always been here as myself, it just got clouded by the emotions that became the comfortable way to justify not living the potential of who I really am as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of my mind my own obstacle that created shame, anger, despair, uncertainty and sadness which I realize is the way in which I now realize are the ingredients to create resistance,  which my mind creates in greed of energy and in allowing that, I stepped further and further away from actually getting to do what I know and have always been aware of is the truth of my being, what I can and need to direct myself to be, live and express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a comfort zone in remaining skeptical and not want to intervene in my own life in order to not have to take responsibility for myself, not realizing that this seemingly ‘comfortable zone’ led me to sink deeper in a hole where I alienated myself from my own wholeness, from my own power as the capacity to direct myself, to intervene in my own life, to decide to change if something wasn’t working anymore, to innovate in the way that I can decide to live me and within that acknowledging the work, dedication, consistency and will that it will require to create and live myself as the best that I can be. That’s what self-creation is all about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be-lie-ve the statement ‘nothing really matters’ as a way to avoid myself in taking action in all the things that I knew I had to take action on in my life to be and become the better version of myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have been in great thirst of knowledge and information in an attempt to find a way to change the way that I am and how I see and understand life, not realizing how I only inflated my mind with it, but I wasn’t really learning and applying how to really nurture my soul and being in the daily actions, words and habits that I realize I have to take action on in order to live the best of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately over complicate myself with theories, ideas, beliefs and philosophies which I realize may assist in our paths, but can also create new excuses where we miss out the common sense that always exists within ourselves, we just have to decide to let go of wanting to ‘seek out there’ and instead start getting to ‘what’s inside of me’ and write myself to see who I really am, what I really want to do, defining my purpose, defining my drive and take the first steps to do so in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know many things but not really getting to understand the steps, the process it takes to interiorize, to integrate, to live the awareness of the things I realized in my life. I realize it takes actual change, work and effort to live the words that I get through realizations.

I forgive myself that I had not accepted and allowed myself to realize how ‘realizing’ and understanding something invariably leads to the next step which is to take action on it, to not only be infatuated in an enlightening idea or momentary experience, but to embrace and direct that impetus to create the actual change in space and time and take the necessary steps to do so in order to honor the path that took me to get to realize, see and understand what I now see, realize and understand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to define me and allow myself to be dictated by the construct and concept of time, by the illusion of having to remain ‘current’ according to that abstraction which time is – which we have created in means to control ourselves. I realize we create time, we decide how we live time in this reality, but I no longer allow myself to be dictated by it and what I should feel or experience according to the idea I have around it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate myself in a bottle of complexities where I believed no one else cared, no one would understand or listen and in that, miss out the many opportunities to connect , share and get to know others, because of becoming my own living judgment of seeing everything as ‘lost and pointless’ and not seeing that in doing so, I wasn’t getting anywhere else but became more detached from myself, from my own reality and from getting to understand ‘the other’ as myself too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lazy and apathetic to continue discovering the wonders of who we are and can be and become, and instead to become sad at the apathy I saw in others, not realizing that in doing so, I became equal to what I was only seeing in them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the epitome of hope in despair, where I gave myself up in the wait for something or someone else to show me the way, to tell me what to do and not take responsibility to be my own director, my own guide, my own master that is self-created – not following, not taught, but simply learning from others’ experiences and making them my own by testing them out to see if they work or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the idea of lack as an excuse and as a determining factor of my being where I placed myself into a survival mode  that turned me into a selfish and ruthless being, becoming fearful, anxious and angry at myself for knowing that this ‘lack’ is entirely self created and that no one else is doing this to myself, but me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not give me the gift of Understanding another, because I realize that I can’t hate another if I understand how we all have created this in separation of who we really are as life. I now realize that Understanding is one of the most profound and liberating gifts we can give to ourselves.

I forgive myself as everyone else in our weaknesses and fractured beingness because as big as the weaknesses and fractures are, these cannot override the virtues that we actually are and can develop as the new nature of our being. This is self-creation, it is not born from perfection, but from the decision to overcome the complexities, the falls, the mistakes, the wrongdoings, the self-neglect.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to neglect the dedication it requires to get to understand how we function in our minds and our being, because that in itself reveals our truth and as such, it becomes the most useful thing to do and dedicate our lives to cultivate.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not continue cultivating my own understanding to direct and create my own healing process and within that, cultivate my own self-awareness,  to no longer be defined and limited by survival in this world as a justification to not live the wholeness of myself in  my day to day and in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to redefine spirituality as a sincere and grounded way to define and create my own being, to create the habits and methods to continue developing my self-awareness in every moment of my existence, to be in contact with my being, my body and to create an awareness of the effect that my thoughts, words and deeds create in my reality. I realize I can do this without the need of crystalized dogmas and instead can be lived by a simple and consistent dedication in developing these supportive habits of being in contact with myself and taking full ownership of my capacity to define, reinvent, innovate and reconstruct myself, because no one else can do this for me, but myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live determination and do the hard work that it takes to live this process of creating my own life and self awareness, because I realize it requires courage and determination and I believed myself to be devoid of these. Now I realize we all have what is needed, that we all can live these words and that’s the living faith in which I decide to live in, to be the driving force of my capacity, will and determination to do that which I know and realize are the building blocks to the creation of who I really want to be as the expression of the wholeness that I go creating and expressing in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having been ashamed in being the one that is not following the same path as everyone else, but instead decided  to swim against the flow, going into the opposite direction while everyone seemed to not care or see where they are being led to.  Now I realize, see and understand that this very will, determination and decision to keep going ‘against all odds’ got me to where I am today, where I now open my eyes to see that there is no shame at all in living my own truth even if no one seemed to care or understand, because it’s not about others but about my own decision to live me, to express that care, that love which is sufficient to live the truth of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up many times in the many creative ways that I pursued at some point in my life, not realizing that I can work things, that I can implement changes and innovate in my life to keep that living flame alive even if it only seems to lighten up my own face. I realize that this is what living me and expressing me means, to do it because of myself and for nothing and no one else other than the expression of the potential that is unleashed when one decides to live unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the perceived’ wasted time’ when I neglected the essentially creative capacity that I am and that I have. I now realize that such ‘wasted time’ was part of the process and the many roads that have led me to be and become who I am here, that I can start where I am – in every moment, in every new breath – and to realize that in any moment, I can only be the one that drives me or becomes my own worst-enemy and limitation to do this as an expression of myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that frustration is a symptom of the incomprehension of my own self movement, and that stagnation is no more than the nature of all sickness that manifests when I don’t allow myself to flow and be the water that flows, that reclaims its natural will to express, to flow, to be, to adapt, to move and embody the realization that its movement never ceases, because I’m not defined by a measure of time – I embrace the creation of the potential that I decide to live and cultivate as the everlasting self that always remains here, just like the water in the world.

I forgive myself for living out my weaknesses and for allowing them to affect others in their own lives. I now decide to work on the changes, the habits, the actions that will turn them into actual strengths.

I realize that I can only get through in my life if I place my own faith back on myself as the recognition of my capacity to change my reality and the outcome of my life through the work that I can dedicate myself to do every day in order to honor the wholeness of my being, to no longer be trapped in the experience of lack and all its unfulfilled concepts that I had allowed myself to believe and be enslaved by.

I now take ownership of my own discipline and self-creation moved by the love that I realize I can express in my work and the enjoyment that I imprint on it and on myself in doing so.  I commit myself to become the author and creator of all of this that celebrates the manifestation of what and who I realize I really am at a fundamental and existential level as life itself.

I understand and realize that time is only a measure of earthly oxidation, however even if I deteriorate, it does not define my stance and who I am as I keep my finger at it, becoming and living the drive that has got me to where I am here today, because no matter what: I remain current.

I decide to trust myself in my decisions, my actions, the paths that I decide to walk, embrace the ups and downs it may entail because I decide to trust myself in being able to learn from it and expand my expression through that, because I realize that that’s what living life is all about.

 

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Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty


636. #EqafeDiscovery: Frustration and ‘Being On Time’

I was listening to the Eqafe recordings on Frustration Overwhelmed by Frustration (Part 1) – Life Review and Overwhelmed by Frustration (Part 2) – Life Review where I could relate to the people sharing about this kind of experience which I can see in my life is something that I did acquire from my father based on how he would get anxious and exasperated whenever having to wait for my mother and my sisters to get out of the house ‘on time’ to get somewhere. It usually was a source of outbursts, at least temporarily that would be a ‘by default’ setting when we would all go out somewhere and even more so when traveling. I also decided back then to align more with my father’s way of perceiving punctuality to be a virtue, a ‘correct way’ in which life is lived and so, I can see how I have copy+pasted his anger, frustration, irritation, annoyance and exasperation whenever anything doesn’t happen as expected or one is late or something like that, it is just as if ‘all hell breaks loose.’

I noticed this form of control in me where I want to impose onto others that which I see is best, makes sense or is ‘expected’ to be done as a point of self-responsibility when it comes to ‘being on time’ somewhere, and if this is not the case and they don’t show up at the time they expected or don’t show up at all, it creates a bothering experience in me as if they were somehow ‘degrading’ themselves based on having agreed to be at certain meetings or events ‘on time.’

In the audio they explain how even if one may be able to see similar traits from our parents and have ‘lived them out’ as a form of hereditary character, it doesn’t mean that it should define ‘who we are’ entirely. And I agree and I’ve been paying more attention to this based on the traits that I see in both of my parents, and as I’ve been sharing, part of the ‘slowing down’ for me is also to let go of all kinds of control forms that emerge in similar ways to that which I would see my father would play out.

Here the relevant point for me to become aware of is to not have this ‘hereditary’ or ‘genetic trait’ as some kind of excuse to not change it in me, because I’ve seen how it affects my own well being and ‘who I am’ in a moment whenever I give into this kind of irritation, frustration, exasperation and annoyance when it comes to being on time or having things go ‘the way I expected.’ And as with everything, that ‘chain’ of traits needs to be stopped within me.

The Eqafe recordings are a conversation with someone that also learned certain traits from his father and how that is also affecting his own relationship with his children. In my case, this spills out in virtually any aspect where I kind of naturally place myself in a position of direction or leadership, the point is that it even happens in situations where I should not be taking such stance, which is another point to consider in how I sometimes take things ‘personally’ as if it was ‘my duty’ to be ‘on charge’ when I’m not, lol.

The thoughts I noticed within a recent situation where others arrived late to an agreed meeting and event had to do with holding a certain image of myself by association, as if such people’s actions in relation to ‘not being on time’ could ‘taint’ my own reputation, my ‘standing’ so to speak in the sense that I am usually careful with commitments and I act based on what I would like others to do towards me, such as being on time if it is an agreed point between all parties involved.

I noticed that my experience in a moment where others were not showing up on time was just causing more tension in me and therefore around me, because I reacted to what I perceived as lack of responsibility and integrity in the people that weren’t showing up as scheduled, in a way perceiving they were  just not ‘taking it seriously.’  

What did I do? I took a step ‘aside’ by myself for a moment to calm down, even if I wasn’t being overtly emotionally expressive about it, I noticed I was in fact causing myself to see everything as if it was a ‘big’ problem and with that, having thoughts about losing prestige, losing credibility, being treated as ‘less than’ because of being associated to people that ‘are not trustworthy’ or ‘not on time’ to what I define as important meetings or events. This is also influenced by my idea and perception that showing up early or being on time ‘is a quality that invariably denotes reliability and responsibility’… but, this is certainly not a rule.

I found it cool to hear to those Eqafe recordings and see that this was part of the suggestions whenever getting to a point of ‘boiling up with frustration,’ to take a step to the side so to speak to truly calm down and not spill out one’s reactions upon others, so I’m glad I did it, but it took some time to ‘cool down’ so to speak and because it took quite some time, I’m here to write it out and see what was really going on within me that was ‘upholding’ that frustration for longer than I would have wanted.

I see how I tend to do ‘whatever it takes’ to be usually on time, I really haven’t made myself as flexible in certain situations to be ‘ok’ with arriving late. However I recently also was on the ‘giving’ end of not arriving at an expected time and breaking such ‘punctuality’ pattern in me that prompted others to react to it. In this, I could reflect back or mirror myself to the kind of general fuss I create about people not being on time and associating that to ‘all the worst’ type of qualities in a person where I, for a moment, forget about everything of who the person or people are and I simply see all the ‘bad’ or ‘worse’ such as irresponsibility, carelessness, being unreliable, not trust worthy, taking things lightly, too lax about things, not being serious enough, irresponsible, neglectful and disrespectful of people’s time. All of these are of course aspects we can all have in our lives regardless of ‘being on time’- that’s for sure.

Now the interesting part in the event where others arrived late is that, it wasn’t even a meeting ‘with me’ per se, I could not directly do anything about it, yet I was going to partake in it. So why do I fear so much being ‘associated’ to others not being on time? Why haven’t I learned to ‘separate’ myself in a healthy manner from taking such kind of attitudes personally as if it was ‘me’ being irresponsible or lacking consideration of others’ time?

While I was on my own trying to calm down from the ‘boiling up’ experience of seeing others not arriving on time, I kept telling myself that probably others would not even notice or be as ‘aware’ of the time as I was. I kept telling myself that it might be something ‘usual’ for most to not have things start at the expected time… but it all seemed futile, because I essentially got stuck on the judgment towards the situation and the people involved as ‘below standard’ and deciding that ‘that was not a commendable type of attitude’.

In essence, the whole problem I had is ending up being seen as unreliable, not trustworthy at the eyes of others by association. The keywords here are related to ‘tarnishing’ my self-image in this kind of situation, instead of being able to take a step back and realize that other people’s lives, responsibilities and decisions are not in my hands to be able to ‘move them’ to be on time at a certain place or being able to ‘change others’ to commit to do something they had agreed to at a certain time.

This is another dimension of control and I noticed how much it still takes over in me, which I can look back at some memories where through yelling out, getting angry and frustrated my father would manage to get my mother and sisters to hurry up to leave the house and be ‘on time’ wherever we were going to – this is the ‘construct’ of it:

“If I get angry, yell out, show myself frowning, scream or essentially through a tantrum = then I will get people to hurry and do as I say because they will want me to calm down”. Of course this might have worked at home based on the whole organization there that was accepted and allowed – and one to which fortunately my mother has been able to stand up from and show my father how to ‘take things easier’ – but it’s a hard thing to change by now, though at least she doesn’t react or take it personally, which is great.

So, in my case, of course it’s kind of funny now looking back to pretend that by me showing an angry face or being frustrated, something will be ‘magically done’ to move people’s bodies to arrive on time… lol! Yes, getting angry, exasperated and trying to ‘curse at the world’ will do Nothing to change the situation, literally, it is just what it is: throwing a tantrum and expecting that to get me ‘what I am’ or my desired outcome, when in fact, of course, there was Nothing I could actually practically do to change the situation.

I’d say fortunately I didn’t cause much of a problem for others because I did ‘take a step back’ literally to not have my experience spill out onto others while sorting out the situation in the moment. But I do see how it did spoil my own experience that I had foreseen was going to be an enjoyable moment for me, and eventually after some 40 minutes or so I was able to see the frustration no longer ‘be active in me.’ What happened throughout those 40 minutes then? I participated but I still kept a very serious face as an attempt to ‘show’ those that had been late to the even that I wasn’t happy – but again, lol, what for?

I could have actually spoiled things further if my own frowning and frustration pout could cause others to notice it and impact how they experience themselves in a moment. Because! It is now part of my extended responsibility to know that if I show a certain stance, posture, facial expressions towards others, I am in fact deliberately intending to cause certain effect on them, to deliver a message of ‘I’m pissed’ and if such impression is aimed at having others ‘feel bad’ for ‘not being on time,’ then obviously this is not a ‘best for all’ type of decision, so… is that really who I want to be? Is that a solution? Is that an honorable way to stand in such moments? Nope, not at all. It only worsens things.

My justification to remain in such bothered state is that it was meant to be best for everyone to start on time. This is the justification, this is based on what I’ve held as ‘standard’ and ‘what is best’ in such a polarized way that anything that doesn’t remain in that square then triggers a negative experience – and that’s what needs to be change.

Did my ‘angry face’ changed anything? No. Was I able to prompt people to arrive ‘on time’ with such reaction? Nope! Did it really matter in the end? No, since other people were also late that were directly involved in the organization of the event. Did anyone seem to care to start some 5 minutes later? No, I don’t think so. Then, what is the REAL problem here?

There is no real problem in fact, because things unfolded as expected – later than at the ‘exact’ agreed time – but it still took place and I allowed myself to get back to my senses as everything unfolded, but it wasn’t an immediate ‘letting go’, I took some time to get to embody such flexibility and let go of all my justifications about ‘my bothersome state.’

So, this is truly about me stopping projecting my own standards and ‘perfectionism’ onto others when it is not something that even matters to most people. Perhaps it is part of being considerate of other people’s time, which I personally appreciate as a quality in people – but it is not something that entirely defines ‘who a person is.’ And at the same time, it is not in my hands to do anything about ‘others being late’ really, I have to learn to go with the flow of life, and life is not ultimately watching ‘every second’ in order to happen. This wasn’t a ‘pressing meeting’ or of some high command or officials… and even those I’ve seen how also allow themselves to have some flexibility based on ‘what needs to happen’ first. Therefore there wasn’t even such need to be ‘totally precise’ with the timing either –I need to have my context in consideration as well.

Even with myself and being on the other end of arriving a few minutes late and causing a reaction in others,  I saw how much it becomes a ‘big problem’ in others if I allow myself to make a ‘big deal’ out of it as well, because I then justify such bothersome reaction in others for ‘me not arriving on time’ because! I basically do the same.

What is this thing with arriving on time? I’ve seen how I create some form of pride and uplifting experience if I manage to be ‘right on time’ somewhere, even if I have to rush and run at times to get there at the ‘exact time.’ For what? Well, for example my partner is someone that is usually  quite on time and is one of the things I appreciate in him – as he does in me – and I have associated this quality with reliability. But I also see how we can lock each other up in such rigidity about ‘being on time’ because then we create this expectation of no-matter-what we will always, always be on time and this can actually cause inflexibility and an immediate trigger for emotions if for one reason one of us can’t be on time or other people that we agreed to meet up with can’t be ‘on time’ as expected.

Getting to know ‘the reasons’ behind the delay also expands my ability to understand how other’s lives unfold, what comes ‘in their way’ that I couldn’t have possibly considered before.

So this is another form of control that I need to let go of towards myself and towards others– and yes there’s resistance in it because of the associations I’ve attached to it – but it doesn’t mean I now will ‘arrive late’ or ‘not care about time’ at all. This is about growing some consideration, comprehension and being realistic about the many LIFE factors that lead any of us to not be able to be able to make it ‘on time’.  

Does it make sense to imply that ‘someone is a person of integrity, self-respect, honor, responsibility, commitment, dedication, reliability and trustworthiness based on how punctual they are?’ No.

Does it make sense to ‘automatically imply that someone that is usually late or not arriving at all to certain meetings as someone that is unreliable, irresponsible, dishonest, lazy, careless, disrespectful, neglectful and inconsiderate towards others?’ No.

Someone can be always on time and be a person that is not genuinely living the best of themselves and vice versa, it can be a person that simply hasn’t aligned themselves to a proper scheduling method or hasn’t aligned the relationship to time, traveling or simply showing up to meetings at a certain time and hasn’t found a way to calculate the time it takes to get somewhere… or simply doesn’t truly care about ‘time’ either, and that should also be ‘fine’ on my side, because it may be a part of a certain person’s way of being.

There’s many factors to consider also based on the nature of the meetings – casual or too official/important that are time sensitive for various reasons – but ultimately, if the thing gets done and someone’s life doesn’t depend on it, then, I should be much more considerate of the many aspects that can cause delays or someone arriving later than expected, or something starting later than usual.

Of course this is also a self-honesty point, where if someone becomes unreliable based on repeated events where they don’t arrive on time or don’t show up at all, sure then the person might end up causing certain consequences as a result of that, and it’s ok as well, because how else do we get to see what we are doing if we don’t receive others’ feedback upon repeated moments of not being on time or not showing up to something that we had agreed to be a part of? It can cause one to be dismissed of a job or no longer being contacted or invited to be part of certain meetings, jobs, responsibilities, etc. or to be replaced by people that are more reliable in the context of time and being present. It really depends on what one is arriving ‘late’ to and also taking each case separately to understand what gets on the way to ‘getting there on time’ in our lives.

I realize I do hold high standards on this aspect and I am aware how I cause myself bitterness and tension when things don’t happen at the ‘expected time,’ and so because I see that this is something that is totally and absolutely in my hands to change, I have to be the one that creates an understanding within me of the many reasons why something could not start at the expected time and why people were late or delayed.

I also have to stop taking it as if it had something to do ‘with me’ personally or that could ‘affect me’ if I am not the one that is being late or not showing up… I consider that most of the times – if not all of the times – arriving late is not a deliberate thing. Or who knows, it may! But it should not matter either unless it causes problems or negative consequences if it becomes a repetitive pattern.

I also realize that my rigidity causes inner conflict – and therefore inner harm – more than an outer or reality conflict, because I can see how things simply end up unfolding as expected. Therefore I have to stop associating ‘being on time’ and punctuality as an invariable outflow of certain ‘honorable’ qualities in human beings, it might be so in some cases, not in others – but the only way to measure that is to learn to see people as a whole, not directly ‘label’ someone based on them being punctual or not.

In some cases I see I can extend a hand to share how I relate to time and how I prepare to get ‘on time’ to certain things and do so with others that I see are having a troublesome relationship with being on time or have problems with getting to plan things in a way that they don’t forget to do it. However, I have to make sure I have a clear starting point and not doing so with a ‘hidden agenda’ attempt of having others do things ‘my way’ – but simply share ways, examples, give suggestions while being aware that ultimately that’s as much as I can do –  it is then up to each one to do it or not.

At times it simply is a matter of having reality play out and if the pattern repeats, then to see how to best address it by first cross-referencing with others to ensure I am not merely pointing things out based on a tunnel-vision idea I have of what ‘the problem’ is and, if sufficient people agree about seeing certain patterns or behaviors that are related to not being on time and becoming unreliable to ‘show up’ to certain events or meetings, then, further actions can be taken on, like assisting the person to become aware of the pattern and seeing what it causes, creating some sort of ‘penalty fees’ to ‘get the message’ if the point is already a repeated pattern – or if the case is extreme, to simply replace the person or people involved that may be more responsible in attending certain responsibility.  I might be going way too ‘out there’ in planning out potential outflows, but, this is part of how I function in also practicing what I would ‘do’ in certain possible situations.

Intervening in others’ lives is not something I should aim at doing either, it should really be a last-resort type of thing and the ideal way would be to suggest them to ask for support if they recognize in themselves that they are having a hard time with commitment. That takes some deeper self-honest look and it might not be ‘the norm’ but, at times, consequences hit home and that’s when we wake up to see that we are doing something that is not leading to a beneficial outcome and needs to be changed, because it affects others.

So, for now this will be a test for me, to actually decide to breathe until I am settled again, no longer tensing my body and letting go of all the ‘worst of the worst’ associations to others or even a general situation not happening ‘on time’ or ‘as expected’ and realizing that reality happens, there’s a myriad reasons why something could not happen ‘as expected.’ This recently happened with a birthday meeting and I was rushing a lot to be on time and we got to realize that the meeting was almost ‘half an hour’ later and they usually tell people that it’s earlier because ‘no one arrives on time.’ This is a form of ‘known’ fact, a cultural thing of sorts where ‘no one usually arrives on time’ and so they invite people earlier than the actual start time, for them to actually ‘be on time.’ So, lol, this is then just part of those things I have to also take into consideration for meetings in general.

And in this, I also require to stop generating a sense of self-pride for ‘being right on time’ and feeling good about it. I can redefine it as a practical measure, see it for what it is: being on time enables things to take place as agreed, but I can also create space and a leeway for flexibility when it comes to being on time myself.

I could see it as well when I was late which was not even because I was genuinely out of my schedule, but simply because of not measuring the amount of time it would take me to get from point A. to point B. And I saw how inconsiderate I can be when being very ‘locked in’ within the idea of ‘always being on time’ which was completely reflecting myself back to myself in seeing how others reacted to me ‘not being on time’. In short, I got a scoop of my own chocolate as the saying goes here, and seeing how much one can be ‘short sighted’ to not consider reality play outs and the outflow of situations that can change the course of things, even if having previously ‘planned it.’

So as with everything, there’s a balancing point. At times it takes the consideration of letting others know something like ‘hey I will be arriving later than expected’ I always appreciate that, but what has happened at times is that I get so hooked on the idea that ‘I can make it! I can arrive on time!’ that I end up not sending such notices and it causes more misunderstandings if I don’t communicate that I am arriving later or the reason why I haven’t arrived somewhere, or why I won’t be able to make it at all.

Another point is to consider other aspects like lack of communication. I’ve gotten so used to being able to communicate with my phone, but who knows if one day I have no battery, no internet, no credit to send out any message or ‘left it at home’… then I would have to also consider that this could happen to others and not freak out about it, lol.

There’s also the potential of ‘getting lost’ in arriving somewhere, or arriving ‘on time’ but to the wrong spot, or ‘at the wrong time’ like one hour earlier or later. These are all real life situations that have happened and I rather decide to laugh about it, I totally appreciate seeing how others take these situations with laughter and taking it easy – whereas in me the tendency is to tense up and ‘just boil!’ lol –I really, really need to learn from them and chill out with these ‘being on time’ events.

And of course if someone that I am directly responsible for or directly co-working with is presenting such patterns in a repeated manner, I then have more of a say in being able to call the point out and perhaps even assisting the other person to remember certain things. I have no problem with that if I see that to me planning and being on time is more of a natural ‘trait’ so to speak, while also not making others dependent on me to organize their lives… or perhaps it can be a job position and I would have no problem in doing so! But even then, it’s even cooler when such job becomes more of an example of how things can get done and the other person can learn for themselves how to get to do things or be on time.

There’s many other aspects I could list here, but I just have to be aware and considerate of my relationship to this point in my life.  

I also appreciate feedback on this one considering how ingrained such aspect of ‘being on time’ and defining myself as ‘a punctual person’ and even taking pride on it as a positive experience, which has led me to associate the opposite polarity to anything or anyone that I label as ‘not being on time’ or lacking punctuality. This stops here and I have to live now my new relationship to ‘being on time’ in meetings.

Ultimately it is about myself getting over the judgment of having things and people start late, be late in general and at the same time not being so hard on myself If I also don’t make it to on time and immediately associating ‘being late’ with ‘the worst of the worst’ for doing so, because now I understand: that’s all in my head, those are all my associations, not others’. If I have a genuine problem then, I have to seek out support to get somewhere or do something if it is a ‘sensitive’ situation. That’s about as far as I can see for now.

And even with all of this, I am sure there will be times where the most unexpected thing can cause a delay in something or in someone’s path to arrive or be somewhere. And that is OK, I need to learn how to flow with the flow of life instead of being entrenched in an ‘ideal’ of ‘how things should be’ and be OK if things are out of my control as well, reminding myself I can only support me and handle my situation or the situation according to the context and timing it is.

Ok that’s it, thanks for reading and any feedback that is aimed at expanding perspectives on solutions or ways of approaching these situations is welcomed J

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Thanks for reading!

 

 

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635. #EqafeDiscovery: From Wanting to Help to Being the Best for Me and Sharing It

 

I was listening to the Eqafe recording  I Just Want to Help – Quantum Systemization – Part 121 and I recognize that this programming is quite ingrained within me and I’ve basically lived out this pattern of wanting to help, wanting to save or fix another person throughout most of my life or since I have memory. The ‘funny’ thing is that I knew it, but I would still do it because I believed that my intent was ‘good’ and therefore “it would not do any harm to the other person to at last – apparently – feel supported by a helping hand.” So the story begins… hehe

I created various – if not most – of my personal relationships from this starting point which of course, led them all to have to cease to exist, because the whole starting point was for me to become their helper, their ‘savior’ and their ‘fixer’ which I then used as an excuse to not solely focus on what was My experience in my relationship to them – meaning, to see and focus on getting to acknowledge what were my reactions, my backchat, my emotions and feelings emerging towards them – and instead I solely focused ‘on them’ and trying to assist them or support them, this is taking on the ‘savior’ mode and attempt to control, manipulate and ‘direct’ them to what I perceived was a better path or a better way of being. The results are varied, mostly ending up in disappointment on my side of course when realizing that I was offering, giving and wanting to change and fix others that were not asking for it, nor were looking at ‘changing themselves’ – it was ‘just my imagination’ lol. Which I don’t judge really, I do have a tendency to see the potential that people can be but there’s a huge step from seeing such potential to living it, and I know for a fact it takes work and it is just futile to try and have someone do this for themselves if there is no intent to do so.

In other cases some were explicitly ‘open’ to be supported, but it became the sole point of the relationship in the sense that, there were no two individuals standing as equals, I always placed myself as the one that considered had to be the ‘helping hand’ towards the other, and this of course also became a very draining situation, which would turn into a suppressed of inner- conflicts that I invariably had to end one way or another. This means, the relationships could not stand this way because its starting point was compromising both of our responsibilities and self-integrity, we were only supporting each others’ personality roles.

So, this audio I shared at the beginning of this blog opens up about a situation where a person wants to help when they have not walked their own process first, and when their sole purpose of interacting with others was to immediately see what they could fix or help them to change because of immediately seeing certain aspects as flaws or problems. I can relate a lot to this approach too. In fact, many times I created my own emotional ‘problems’ in order to kind of understand how to ‘help’ people around me and try to understand their experiences… but it is a fact that I cannot walk ‘all kinds of experiences’ on my own to be able to walk through them and then share about to help others, lol, Nope. That’s where the relevance of walking a process like we do at Desteni comes in, because person walks through specific patterns, ways of doing things, particular situations that may be very common or similar for several ‘kinds of people’ so to speak, and so the support comes when we share about our experiences, how we face them and how we support ourselves to stand up from them or change in them.

This also creates a network of support where perhaps I can see someone is experiencing something and they are asking for support and I see that I would like to support them but, I am learning to see within me if I can relate to their experience and if I don’t, then I provide links to Eqafe recordings to understand that particular pattern or experience, I direct them to some other Destonian blogs that I’ve come across with that may relate to what they are facing, or directly ask them to go to the forum to place it there and see who can relate to that specific situation and share their self-support.

This has been a learning process to me, it’s a bit hard to know when to step in to support and when to let go of this want to ‘give the answers’ if you will as in providing ‘the way’ they can support themselves, or ‘ease’ their pain, suffering or emotional experience. But I’ve seen how this had also become a blinding point for me, because I do have a tendency to focus and worry more about others and in that, it is somewhat easy to leave myself out of the self-support equation. That’s a problem to correct.

What I’m currently working on is in placing ‘me’ first not as a point of selfishness, but in the realization of what has been a lifelong pattern where I tend to worry more about others, to want to save, fix, change and help others out first and not really looking at what am I causing to myself and my own body and life when merely and solely focusing on everything and everyone outside of myself, and neglecting me in it all.

In the end, I’ve come to see how I have projected my own need to support me first upon others and this is also a very common distraction created in our minds, where instead of focusing on ourselves, we project it ‘out there.’ Lol I laugh because this is an ongoing point within me and it even happened quite recently where in an attempt to support or give seemingly ‘good ideas’ to someone facing a particular difficulty in their lives – and I don’t particularly have a close relationship with – it kind of backfired because of trying to ‘help’ someone that is clearly not in such mindset of seeing the relevance of ‘supporting’ themselves first. So an idea I had on ‘how to make things better’ simply became another outlet to reinforce their righteousness about the problem they have created for themselves and recreate a point of blame….

I was talking about this with my partner and one of my friends and realized: Oh-oh, shit,  I’ve done it again, had a seemingly ‘good idea’ and it backfired, because I can’t have good intentions and pretend they will simply work out with someone that is not even willing to look back at themselves as the source of a problem! I learned the lesson. I agree that I have to let go of these good intentions with people that I barely know or actually know are not in such stance where they are ready to take self-responsibility for something or are in the process of wanting to at least do something about it within themselves. Extending a helping hand to someone that is blatantly ‘spewing’ back at you so to speak is not the way, at all, lol. It is the mother-Theresa construct again in me that I need to stop.

It needs to stop here because I do create certain stress within me about such situations where I see someone ‘needs help’ but of course I know I can’t be such ‘changer’ or ‘point of help’ for them. What’s the answer then? Well, lol, my mother just sent me this internet pic about people that are called ‘crazy’ – just like she calls me in a tenderly manner lol – who get concerned with other people’s suffering and want to make things better for everyone, so upholds such hope in the way they live. Well, I am sort of that but there is an equilibrium needed where I just don’t go ‘concerning’ with people’s suffering and make it a concern of my own.  I mean, my body just immediately pointed this out in the situation I described above in saying ‘nope, nope, nope don’t go there again!’ And so it was supportive to share about it with my partner and he pointed out the same ‘Stop trying to help people that are not asking for it’ and that is so. Even if they were only asking for it, it’s not enough if they are not understanding what it entails to live self-support.

It is not an act of selfishness to do this, it is an act of self-love and self-responsibility and applying common sense. I am totally willing to be a point of support for someone that is willing to support themselves and not only ‘willing’ because I’ve also ‘been there and done that’ and it is not enough to have someone say ‘yes I am willing to do this for the best of me’ – but actually LIVE the words with their every word, thought and deed and have their lives be a visible proof of that. This is where I currently am for example in my partnership relationship and I can see the difference of what a ‘hassle’ or a ‘burden’ felt like before when placing myself as ‘the savior’ in my personal relationship and how it is when two people simply join their lives while already living self-support for themselves – even if it is in very different ways or paths – which enables one another to become a point of support for each other whenever we lose ourselves in ‘our ways’ to a point where we no longer are aware of it. But this doesn’t become a ‘dragging’ situation or a burden, it becomes a feedback process that, to me, is one of the most enjoyable parts of a relationship, because we get to create more intimacy that way, seeing ‘deeper’ within each other and getting to know our weaknesses and strengths which is great, but no longer feel like ‘I’ have to ‘sort someone out’ – which was a mistake in any case throughout all the times I lived out this savior-complex in my relationships.

My partner has a way of approaching life and situations in a way in which I wasn’t brought up by my parents, but he was and that’s how he’s come to be the person he is. He didn’t have that constant ‘helping hand’ for him, so he had to build who he is from scratch and I can see how that can be a way to strengthen one’s character as well, because there is no sense of ‘needing help’ really, but simply deciding to do things and getting on it in with whichever tools and ways he had with limited resources. This perspective seems ‘way too tough’ for people that he usually shares this perspective with – including myself – because most of us avoid having to stand up on our own feet or fear having to confront such absolute ‘nothingness’ point to stand up from it and create ourselves from scratch. And this is how this ‘fear’ of having nothing or no one as a ‘helping hand’ also becomes a projection of ‘wanting to help others’ to not ‘feel’ or ‘go through’ what may be at times – if not all times – a necessary part of our process to grow, mature and actually strengthen ourselves. This is to no longer fear existing in such ‘helplessness’ points but see them as the opportunities to start from scratch in self-creation.  

He was telling me the butterfly story while it is in its chrysalis and how one person once saw the incipient butterfly was struggling to get out of the chrysalis, so the human gave a ‘helping hand’ by cutting it and allowing the butterfly to come out… the result? The butterfly died because part of her process was to go through such struggle or difficulty to strengthen herself in order to survive.

I can totally see how I can stifle someone’s personal process of growth and learning to stand up for themselves when attempting to immediately join in and ‘help out’ and try and fix or sort out others’ problems… it’s just not the way.

So, it has really been a constant point for me to continue creating awareness of and I still have to learn to take a step back, get back to my senses out of that ‘itching’ desire to help someone and instead consider the benefits of having them stand on their own two feet and decide to do it by themselves. Otherwise, I become another ‘cane’ they walk with and become dependent ‘on me’ or on anything else to continue walking their life and that is mutual enslavement, mutual dishonor  – I’ve been there and done that and it’s not a happy ending.

Therefore! I have to continue applying what I’ve defined as tough love which I’ve shared about before, which I have applied in the past as well, but only after a long time of wanting to fix someone’s life. I realize I don’t have to get to such point as a last resort, but have it as a starting point. This way I won’t immediately try and jump to ‘help another’ but instead rather see how they do on their own, let them be and see how they are living their own willingness to support themselves. This also implies to completely let go of wanting to save, fix or change ‘the world’ but simply share myself, what I’ve learned, what I’ve walked through and realized about myself without a hidden intent to create such impact that ‘it changes people’  – lol, that’s not really possible, only self-change, self-motivation, self-will can do that – no one can ever ‘be’ or ‘do’ that for you, we always have to do it for ourselves which is great because that’s the essence of self-responsibility and the essence of the principle of what’s best for all. How can one ever be ‘best for all/others’ if one is not ‘best for self’ first?

So I’ll continue assessing these moments when wanting to save, help or fix another’s’ life and take all of these points into consideration, to not be ‘driven’ by wanting to alleviate someone else’s suffering. I personally know how supportive it is to do this for myself, and how that creates an actual experience of strengthening myself in seeing how my own efforts and dedication work and that is what I can then share with others as well, which is what I decide to define as support: to share myself from my own experience without attempting others to ‘follow it to the T’ and ‘change their lives’ with it – it’s like a form of unconditional love, which is a cool thing  to do.  A friend of mine was telling me about this and how he notices that in me, that I am already living this result of what I’ve been applying and as such,  one understands the necessity and importance to share one’s process in ‘getting there’, yet doing so without ‘forcing’ others to do so, it is a form of unconditional sharing and that’s something I’ll continue to do because that’s what satisfies me the most and it’s ‘effortless’ in the sense that I’m not trying to convince anyone anymore, I’m just me, I share me and what I learn in my life for whoever wants to take it in – and that’s simply part of my responsibility of being part of the whole  that has found certain ways that work for me to support me J

Ok thanks for reading! And here are other blogs that I’ve written about similar topics:

520. Self-Accountability and Tough Love

 

552. Who Am I as a Savior?

 

519. From Fear of Speaking up to Doing So

 

502. From Feeling Sorry to Owning our Consequences

 

506. From Despair to a Constructive Aftermath

 

 

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Mantis, Bernard Poolman 

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty


634. #EqafeDiscovery: The Fabrication of Interpretation

I recommend listening to the audio Interpretation – Quantum Systemization – Part 120 to gather a new perspective on why we can fall into a common situation which is that of interpreting someone’s words and actions as something that we take personal and so, triggers reactions within us, as if they were meant to tell us something about ourselves that we believe is something negative about us or as if they were ‘covert ways’ tell us something that we judge about ourselves. However we usually stop at that point of interpreting things in a certain way, we react in an emotional way and then: we don’t look any further. This audio explains why it is essential to take one step further to see how to take the point back to self, which means, how to support ourselves to prevent taking things to the level of reacting and instead seeing what one can learn or take from such points like interpreting someone’s words and behaviors to look back at ourselves and work with our reactions.

Something that I’ve noticed is how if I have an unclear stance and relationship to something or someone, I will be prone to take their words, actions or inactions as a sign of something that may relate to me or is ‘surreptitiously’ aimed to ‘get me’ in one way or another. Some other times this kind of assumption happens in one single moment where even interpreting someone’s gestures or the sound of their voice could be interpreted as ‘aimed’ to create certain experience in me. This exists in the realm of assuming things and in my case, this has been a big point that relates to over analyzing, which is also nicely explained in another Life Review at Eqafe here: Twisting Memories – Life Review.

Both of these audios hit the nail in the head on a certain way of being that I’ve noticed exists within me. Ultimately, it has to do with almost a kind of paranoiac attitude that emerges with listening, watching or interacting with certain people that I believe are having an ‘off’ stance towards me. This kind of starting point towards anyone creates a hyper-vigilance wherein every single word is listened to, read or gestures and body language seen with utmost care, already wanting to ‘frame’ such words or attitudes within a certain mindset of interpreting something as having the intent of causing ‘something’ within me.

I consider that this is one of the most common ways in which I tend to take things personally and within that, I become a defensive mindset that creates a certain experience of  being attacked, being threatened in one way or another. Of course this is me reacting to what I think, believe or perceive is relating to me in one way or another – yet I have no proof of such in fact.

So what actually goes on is I take the words personally, I relate those words or actions or attitudes as ‘aiming to tell me something’ and in one single moment I can become almost ‘possessed’ by this conclusion made in my head and create a general stance towards certain person or situation in general where I then believe I have been offended or have to ‘defend’ myself’ or go into a ‘low’ experience because of it – any form of emotional reaction that prevents me, or veils me from focusing where I actually should, which is the starting and origin point of it all: myself.

Part of the points shown in this audio at Eqafe about interpretation is that whenever we shield ourselves from certain information by reacting to it, it means we are evading to actually see something about ourselves that we are not wanting to admit or fear to see about ourselves. And this is precisely how because we fear admitting certain things about ourselves, it becomes easier to fight back, judge back, attack back.

Upon listening to it, a moment came up within me where I was on the other end of having my words being interpreted in an attacking mode. Looking back and getting feedback from those that I shared this moment with, it might have been that my stance was too ‘direct’ and having no ‘gentle’ approach, might have been interpreted as an attack or defensive question that was taken as almost an insult by the other person. The result? I definitely felt ‘shut down’ by the people involved in the conversation, because people reacted to a question I posed and so essentially I was categorically told to shut up.

My intent behind the question was to create an awareness of a point of self-responsibility in someone’s life. The immediate response was that I was attacking the person and victimizing them… I could not even understand what was meant by that, but the stance, the voice tonality and general attitude was showing me ‘you better not ask that type of questions’ kind of approach – ‘or you can cause more problems.’

I am aware of what my starting point was, it was to create an opening within someone, to recognize their co-creation and shared responsibility in certain situation. However this audio about interpretation enabled me to ‘join the dots’ so to speak and realize that this was in fact about the person fearing to acknowledge their responsibility, and so immediately deciding to attack back in a way of saying ‘can’t speak/ don’t go there/ shut up’ type of response.

This assists me to let go of the energetic charge I have created about that one moment within me, because I can now realize that it wasn’t personal or directed ‘at me’ but it was more like an immediate defense mechanism, a way to prevent themselves to investigate and get to a point of self-honesty, to get to see where and how they were also co-creators of a certain situation that they were merely wanting to blame other people for. My solution? I simply offered support whenever needed to open things up, to communicate more about it.  

Then I’ve also been the interpreting one where I can even notice an energetic charge or experience as I read someone’s words, already trying to ‘pick things up’ and ‘frame them’ in this interpretation of ‘it having to do with me’, or ‘being directed at me’ in a disguised way. The way to clear it up? To see what are the fears that I can be carrying around in relation to having something said about me that I may be fearing to face or admit about myself, and so if I in fact don’t like this about me, then what a better way to notice it and change such thing about myself.

The thing that I consider we miss out very often is how we are the only ones that can take and make things personal, so if we have ‘issues’ in the sense of not having a clear and direct relationship with ourselves and making sure we are standing clear within ourselves and so in relation to everyone else that we relate to, we may be prone to be ‘picking up’ meanings  and ‘reading in between lines’ when it comes to certain things, people or situations – all fear based, fearing to see or getting to admit something about ourselves, and perhaps not really wanting to do something about it, which is the self-dishonesty point that is opened up in front of us with such ‘interpretation’ moments.

Another dimension or related aspect to this is when I can actually be the one that is ‘implying’ certain things as I speak or communicate something and within that, already having a ‘second intention’ with my words so that they get to be read or interpreted in a certain way that is not explicit or literal. This is more of a veiled dimension of having a ‘hidden agenda’ and not being direct or explicit about things, but wanting to say so in a covert way, which is ultimately a point of deception for myself that I have to clarify myself about.

Sometimes it is about spite, sometimes it is about wanting to create an awareness about something directed with a particular purpose that is not what’s best for all. All forms of covert, hidden agendas or ‘disguised’ form of communication becomes another aspect of self-deception, which is not even really about the receptors of my message or how they will be understood, but about who I am in it, my starting point within writing or speaking or communicating something in whichever language form. And that’s generally what self-honesty is about, to know where I stand and my starting point in doing, saying something. So I share these details about the ‘fabrication’ of interpretation, which is really a convoluted way to say things that perhaps one can gather sufficient confidence and courage to say things in a straightforward manner, which I see I can totally align myself with, I just require to first clear myself from any ‘hold ups’ in relation to memories.

Therefore the solution resides within me, to walk a preventive process if I notice that I am having an ‘off’ stance towards something or someone and that means, having reactions towards things or situations or people that I find are “making me feel uncomfortable” or “not having an easy time’ around”… that already indicates there’s stuff within me that I need to look at and write out, because it’s never about ‘the others’ but all about myself. In essence, I can only create certain ‘off’ experience – negative experience – about something or someone if I have certain ‘issues’ towards it, such as judgments, ideas, beliefs, perceptions, memories that I am carrying around relating to such people or situations and that prevents me from being ‘clear’ within me when meeting them, being around them or talking to them or even just reading their words.

Then, if the bullet is already shot once that we already go into interpreting someone’s words or actions as if it was directed at us or taking things personal, the process is the same though now with having a direct feedback of which words, which actions, which body language or the lack thereof got us to be ‘triggered’ as in ‘got us to react’ in one way or another believing that ‘it was aimed at us’ or ‘it was meant to make us feel this/that’ – and so it becomes easier to have the exact words, the exact gestures, the exact tonality that we reacted to, so in this case, interpreting and reacting becomes also a gift to know where to ‘tackle’ our own programming

This right here is a priceless life-hack, to be able to see ourselves as the starting point or origin point of any experience, it enables us to stop seeing a situation, people or even certain body movements or! Even voice tonalities as having ‘power’ over us to the point of affecting ourselves, it’s always about who we are and how we decide to respond to any words, voice tonalities, body language etc.

To me this is very valuable support because of my tendency to over analyze and go picking up things from memories and such, which is also explained how to go through that in the second audio I recommended above. All in all, one always gets to see more than what the ‘eye’ can see in any given situation, it assists to create a completion of a picture that at times, we only carry around with an emotional experience as ‘unresolved issues.’ Well, there’s no longer an excuse to do so. I gotta do my homework now J

 

Enjoy this and many other series on Eqafe currently available through the amazing opportunity that the Eqafe Unlimited  plan brings… as I always say, it will change your life if you dare to live the realizations you get from all the material there.

 

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632.#EqafeDiscovery:Do We Fear Living?

 

During the process of translating Eqafe material to Spanish, I come to rediscover stuff that perhaps I didn’t ‘hear’ the same way that I do now. This is also how even if I have listened to most of the material in there, I keep revisiting it every day and now I get to hear many different things that I didn’t grasp back when they were first published. At times I have also seen how I can be discriminatory in relation to some of the recordings based on the title, believing that ‘it has nothing to do with me’ or that ‘I can’t relate to it’ or that ‘it’s just not of my interest’, but over the years I’ve proven this immediate-mind-response to be just part of the many limitations and distractions that may still come up within me that at times prevent me from expanding myself. So what do I do? If some of these words come up in me? I go for it, I click and listen to it J hehe

When it comes to recordings in Eqafe, a guideline that I suggest for everyone is to listen to all of the stuff there even if it ‘seemingly’ doesn’t relate to you. For example, I could say ‘well I am not a parent therefore, I don’t have to listen to the parenting series’ or if I was single then saying ‘well I don’t have to listen to the relationships series, for I am single’ – but! We truly miss out on very supportive stuff if we go through life only choosing to hear that which we ‘feel resonates more with us’, because I’ve seen how this is mostly resonating yes, to the most prominent personalities I am living out at a certain point in my life. So, that’s why upon listening to it with an open mind and an open heart to see ‘what can I learn from it?’ No matter what the title, topic or series it is coming from, I can guarantee you that if you are really willing to listen, learn and apply something in your life that you get from those recordings, you will surely benefit from it in your life in many noticeable ways.

So one of those interviews that at first I dismissed because of having a ‘blah, I already know that fear of death is the ultimate fear and so what?’ type of thought, was one Life Review called ‘Fear of Death’ – so that’s why I decided to click on it and translate it.  Upon listening to this short yet substantial message from this lady here, I realized how I had been considering this ‘fear of living’ when it comes to a process of healing and so changing in relation to something that I had defined as being ‘my problem’ that is currently ‘holding me back’ in life. I had suddenly gotten to a ‘bottle neck’ in my inner experience where I needed to process things that I was merely shoving aside and not really working – processing them as we say. It’s been worth it as I’ve been sharing in my past blogs, but the obvious point emerged of how once that the main problem ‘in the head’ is being sorted, solved, ‘healed’ if you will and then changes emerge, there’s now the next step of self-creation to take.

I’ve also been reading a book about healing that a friend of mine recommended and I realized how much we tend to get ‘stuck’ in our minds about all the things that are seemingly ‘not working out’ and we focus on all the flaws, and all the fears and I’ve seen for myself how easy it is to build your stance and experience in life around all that garbage that we allow ourselves to think and believe ‘it’s all that we are,’ which then becomes the way that we see our life, the world, others in our lives and…. it’s no wonder at all how we’ve come to create the current reality we are living in, if we have allowed ourselves to play out the worst of us and let that rule our lives every-single-day and every-single-moment of our waking life – and hell at times we even torture ourselves in our dreams, yep.

The process that I have been walking with Desteni, the process I am learning to integrate day by day of becoming more directive within me and my mind, and now more in contact with my body is aided by the material that I get from Eqafe.com, and I also assure you that it might sound like stuff we somehow ‘already knew’ at the depth of our being, but we have somehow forgotten or gotten lost in translation as they say, taken over by the busy-ness of our lives and distractions to the point where we have forgotten that we have IT all, we have and we are all that we need to take those steps to get out of whatever ‘mental hole’ we might find ourselves in.

Sure, at times it might be difficult to go through certain situations or phases in life, all I can say is: reach out, communicate, speak it out loud with someone because I know how ‘blinded’ one can become if one remains in isolation and/or in fear of opening up with someone what one is going through. To me this is an essential aspect and also why Eqafe.com as part of the Desteni group, is not an isolated type of ‘source’ that you just go and listen and that’s it. It involves self-work, it involves practical application and a sharing, a referencing back of how one is supporting oneself to actually change based on the support that we get through the audios/interviews/recordings. For that, there’s the awesome community Destonians.com where you can also join in weekly chats to share, open up whatever you are working with and walking through in your life. A one of a kind community we are for sure.

Back to the topic! When listening to the audio/video called ‘Fear of Death’ I considered that it could be renamed to ‘Fear of Living’ but! of course, at least in my case I could have perhaps ‘jumped the gun’ and say ‘blah! I don’t’ fear living’ but…. The reality is quite different as you actually walk through certain points, like actually getting to overcome certain ‘obstacles’ or ‘difficulties’ or transcend major problems or addictions in life and then what opens up is: the many possibilities in which we can direct our lives, and so the actual possibility to choose, test out and walk through any of the options and dare to actually live, dare to learn to live in a different and new way and continue learning to live because I very much see that this is what I am here for.

So, as much as it might sound ‘off’ that one can ‘fear living,’ this audio will perhaps assist you in realizing WHY that very fear might be existing in you right now and HOW it plays out in seemingly ‘not so important’ moments in our day to day living. It is those small moments where I’ve seen that I can substantiate my life the most, in all those ‘little moments’ that I believed ‘didn’t matter’ because I wasn’t ‘producing’ something or I wasn’t necessarily creating an ‘impact’ on someone else… yet, I see that those moments that I am dedicating to live the best of me, to express me and so focusing on looking at what are the directions, talents, skills and abilities that I would like to now give direction to, there’s like a new opening to life and living that in fact has always been there, I had just sort of used the excuse of a mental-mindfuck (sorry for the language, but that’s what it is) to create a justification of why I had to kind of ‘place my life on hold’ and focus too much on ‘sorting issues out’ and place my self-creation on pause. Now, I don’t judge this as a waste of time or as something bad either, I now see it as part of the things that I had to confront and understand about myself and how I in fact create my experience and my life.

It is now up to me to take the steps to actually stop living in the habit that I gave my energy and breaths to that took me down to a bit of a rabbit hole in my personal experience, to learn from it, to see what I have to self-forgive and so to decide my next steps. Even though I see this direction, it is so that in our minds, the tendency of the ‘old habits’ to live in fear essentially will still come up. I know it is possible to live without the constant ‘fear’ and believe me, I THOUGHT that I was a fearless person…… yep! Well, it’s cool to get humble and realize ‘Nope! I definitely see I was many times acting out of fear!’ so that’s how I’m also glad I got to hear this through the audio so that I can become aware of the ‘little habits’ that have taken me to that inner experience, which sure may come and go, but now I can identify it better, give it a name and so decide in that moment what I decide to live.

So to me this is one simple, simple example of how listening to an Eqafe recording can confirm an entire process that I’ve been walking and how it can assist one even further to ‘take the next steps’ we might be missing out on or not giving the proper attention, relevance and importance they require, which are in fact the building blocks of our self-creation, the actuality of LIVING the best of ourselves, the actuality of BEING the best of ourselves – yes, acknowledging the downfalls, the ‘off’ moments, but somehow this audio assists with realizing what those OFF moments really are and so, be able to grasp it, identify them and so be able to DO something about it.

I’m more than glad I have this awesome source of support, every time I see scientists, psychologists, sociologists or any other person that still have some certain ‘big questions’ such as how was the universe created? what is consciousness in fact? How do animals think or communicate? How do our bodies relate to our minds? Is there life after death? Etc. I kind of go back to my senses in realizing that Eqafe is not yet broadly known in humanity, yet the information is here. So, I can’t even consider where I would be if I wasn’t aware of all of these things already to get the ‘curiosity’ out of my bag around those topics and focus on things that are right ‘here’ for me to work with.

All I can say is be part of this opportunity and take that step forward not only in getting educated about all-things-life and living, but also dare to take the steps to Live and Apply all the practical support that one can gather from every recording, to be the example of what it means to break free from the ‘programming,’ and! With that, assist not only yourself, but the rest of who we are as life to give a continued expansion to this process of self-awareness, to actually be, become and birth life from the physical.

Ok! I leave this one for you then to ponder about J Sign up for the Eqafe Unlimited  Plan which is an incredible offer to have access to this audio I mentioned and more than 4,000 other titles that you can benefit from learning in virtually every aspect of what it means to be a living being in this existence. So, don’t’ wait any longer! Be part of the real evolution that is very much needed in our world.

 

Thanks for reading

 

breathing being

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty


629. What I’ve learned about Self-Punishment

 

The previous blog I wrote about Self-Devaluation and The Body contained one aspect that I’d like to focus on in this blog, because I merely mentioned them summarily as self-aggression and how I called it self-flagellation. This is about in fact the concept of self-punishment and what one can ‘gain’ from it – yes, as ‘weird’ as it may sound initially.

Part of the Unlocking yourself process that I described in my previous blog is to open up to consider other people’s views, perspectives and ways of approaching a situation, which can be very enlightening and it’s been the case when taking on this subject to our group chats at Destonians.com. Last Wednesday, we discussed “What do we stand to gain from self punishment?” and it was eye opening to get to know the many ways that people can understand and see this point of self-punishment and how it is lived, why it is lived and the constructs or beliefs behind it that lead us to do such a thing to ourselves. 

I bring through something that Leila shared which was “it’s like we rule through punishment/sin instead of compassion/forgiveness” and that’s part of the points for me to take on and integrate as a realization, because upon judging myself, the idea is that I have to feel bad, feel tense, feel anxious, feel ‘within an upheaval’ about it, IS already a form of punishment as well. We’ve allowed ourselves to be wired in a way where we fixated more on the problems rather than focusing on the solutions. Self Forgiveness is the way to Understand the situation that we participated in, take responsibility in it and lay out the foundation to change, to live the correction and solutions.

But! Even if I thought I was doing this, the reality of my situation has proven me that one aspect of morality kept me blind from realizing that I wasn’t in fact self-forgiving and letting go for real, and that prevented me from Living forgiveness, which is living the ways in which I see is best for me in my current experience and life decisions – not hooking on fears of the past of what I did or didn’t do.  Therefore compassion I can redefine as being understanding of the situation, not being hard on myself, being able to also stand in the shoes of whoever is involved and not feel ‘bad’ about it because feeling ‘bad’ doesn’t sort anything out either, while also realizing that I can only focus on changing me and being the best that I can for me and those currently around me.

She also expressed there: “and punishment can be taken quite ‘broad’ — any type of tension or discomfort you create, why  do we punish ourselves with anxiety, what do you stand to gain from it? what do you fear more than anxiety that you wouldn’t give up your anxiety? do we fear freedom?”  And that is in fact THE point that I had to realize which is eye opening and a point of self-honesty: it isn’t nice or beautiful because it does create an awareness of ‘WTF why have I done this to myself? And the reality is that ultimately, in my case the whole reason why I reacted in this form of self-punishment is because of a belief that feeling bad and sorry would make ME seem like a ‘better person,’ someone that ‘cares’ because of how I have defined ‘care’ as ‘worry’ – when it should definitely Not be that of course – and as if I could ‘clear my sins’ through punishment; I could see the traces of religious constructs there as I explained in the chat too.

But beyond that, the ultimate point is exactly about our freedom, our actual ability to be self-directive, to take one’s authority to create, to have a blank slate of creation, instead of focusing on ‘the past’ and ‘what is there to Fix-Ate on’ or ‘feel bad about.’

This is ultimately one the big habits I’ve seen within me and that I have observed in others related to me genetically. It is as if ‘something had to be happening all the time’, something that is wrong, or something to ‘feel bad about’ and if one realizes that one is creating that, then it’s as if everything can suddenly be stopped.  The canvas of self-creation is unveiled and emerges for us to walk on. And because we actually don’t decide to act to live words, to focus on self-creation, we– by habit, by patterns and by ingrained acceptance and allowance –  bit by bit, step by step, allowance by allowance, just ‘roll back’ to the commonly ‘accepted forms’ of existing, which are mostly related to being in perpetual forms of emotional or feeling experiences, fear for the most part being ‘the mother of all other reactions’ like anxiety, sadness, depression, anger, guilt, shame, remorse… you name it. It is an energetic experience that as BAD as it can get within our bodies and the effects it creates within it, we keep blindly participating in it, creating any other form of story to give ourselves an excuse to almost ‘keep ourselves busy with’ trying to kind of remake a puzzle that is already framed and hanging on the wall, it is that useless to keep living in fear related to past issues – but not limited to the past for sure.

The story that I told myself to justify living in such self-punishment is ‘having to pay for something I did’ and so, having to suffer in a way to ‘demonstrate’ that I cared or that I wasn’t too ‘cold blooded’ about things. Lol when in fact I could have lived it in a more sensible manner by genuinely introspecting and forgiving myself for it and embracing my ‘mistakes’ and move on with my life.  I created what I am experiencing at a physical level, and embracing that realization is a rather ‘uncomfortable truth’ that I had to process for a couple of days until I realized that reacting in sadness about it or anger towards myself is yet another way to keep ‘burying me alive’ so to speak, because any other distress or fear or judgment causes further oppression, tension and damage to my body, to OUR bodies.

The best way is to simply acknowledge it, almost like nodding to it and taking it in humbly to really realize that: I truly now have to let go, stop punishing myself, stop causing all of this dis-ease within me, this discomfort and ultimately this habit/addiction of worry and preoccupation to focus on my self-creation.  So far been applying this since I got ‘hands on’ for it these past couple of weeks and it’s been going good.

That question Leila posed ‘do we fear freedom?’ is a very, very relevant one because I’ve seen time and time again within me and others how it’s seemingly ‘easier’ to keep focusing on feeling bad, feeling emotional about things and believing one can’t ‘sort it out’ unless we are ‘given the green light’ by something or someone out there and because that won’t ever happen, it’s as if we just keep waiting for ourselves to truly let the ‘punishment’ go and lift up our own veils – which we have placed upon ourselves – and walk out in freedom.

There are some lyrics that I’ve been appreciating lately in Mexican music, and one song says “we are like prisoners and we think like prisoners’ and it talks about how we are ‘pulled by forces’ that seem to take us ‘wherever they go’ and have no self-direction. It is in fact the prisoner mentality that I was in, and it is through understanding how I came to create this, how I decided to ‘label’ my actions and how I decided to react to them – based on these constructs of morality and what seemed like reasonable to do ‘at the eyes of others’ – defined my experience in relation to this situation.

What happens once that one is done sorting through the repetitive ‘inner conflict’ about any point or experience – no matter how big or how subtle it may be – is that what is left is an open path to genuinely Live and be in all authority for self-creation.  The reality that I see is prevalent within us human beings is that, it’s ‘seems’ easier for us all to talk about the problems that are happening in the world, in how this or that politician is a corrupt or not or how things seem to be just ‘going nowhere’ but have no proposal to be participating in changing the tides that we’ve been ‘imprisoning’ ourselves into for far too long. It is a form of self-punishment as well because it recreates the problems, it just spreads the sense of despair as if nothing could be done about it. What I do then is to focus back on what needs to be looked at which is self-education, the values, the principles, the common sense as what’s best for all that is needed to be understood and lived and so, the need for parents to have these principles to educate their children too.

I would certainly want more people to become aware of this. I’ve been going to certain therapy and I can hear people around me constantly worrying about this or that pain. I have a genuinely good example in my life of what it is to be healthy in a very round sense of the word by NOT participating in any form of energy-trips related to any form of reaction, basically not participating in fear. My partner is that person and through my interactions with him my ‘habitual’ antsy patterns fueled by all kinds of seemingly ‘usual’ fears – no matter how ‘subtle’ or big they are – have been exposed to the nth degree. I can even say that my whole ‘self-punishment’ deal is a way for me to have that as a ‘constant point to be dealing with’ as an excuse to not deal with the very real and very present opportunities I have to break through those – yes – very ingrained habits (read addiction) that I had defined as ‘normal’. It has been through his constant feedback that I realized how much I can be in fact TENSE and fearing and worrying.

This is another aspect that pertains to my personality. I can be a very ‘intense’ person. This has its pros and cons. I can be a very intense person in a ‘good’ way so to speak wherein I can be very passionate and diligent and walk firm decisions in what I do and how I live it. But I can also be very Intense as in literally being IN-Tension about just anything that I may accept and allow myself to be worrying about or preoccupying myself with. This is precisely where the kind of person I am is basically also formed through the ‘learned ways’ I adopted from people around me. This has to do with being commonly worried, being rather dramatic about things, and it’s funny because I often would get annoyed and irritated by what I perceived as ‘dramatic people’ but, I’ve been seeing how I am precisely that. And this whole pattern of self punishment is a consequence of taking things TOO intensely. My partner helps me out to become aware of this by joking about it lol I then laugh and realize what I’m doing. But as I’ve said so before, I can’t go through life depending on him letting me know what I’m fixating on as a worry point.

I was talking with my cousin yesterday and we talked about driving cars. I have no intent to drive because I was involved in a car crash and even if I was not the driver, I took that as an excuse to create fear. I still again feel the fear as I write this and the same goes with bicycles and relating it back to an accident I had 10 years ago. These fears ‘gnaw’ me because I am over vigilant when being in a car or even when seeing people driving bikes on car lanes. I must admit that thoughts of the car crashes come up when I’m riding with someone in a car and even more so go into a rather intense reaction whenever we may come to any ‘close’ point to crashing. I get agitated and I Know I can change it and it IS a matter of perception and deciding to no longer exist in fear about something that happened some time ago already.

Something that I’ve been telling myself in those moments when being in a car – not driving – is one of the principles that my partner lives by. I tested it out the other day to see if it assisted me to deal with these fears while being in a car and that is ‘always expecting the best of everything and everyone.’ What comes to mind is…. Well that’s disingenuous, we KNOW people are not all good, we know there’s evil, we know shit can happen!! Etc. but even in that response, there I already ‘revamped’ all the sources of fear that can mainly exist in any given moment in one’s daily life, regardless of even defining certain activities as ‘dangerous’ or potentially harmful. The other day while driving in the back of a car and noticing the driver was speeding a bit, I noticed the fears coming up again and this time I breathed and reminded myself: expect the best of the situation. And that was supportive but I do honestly need to work more on grounding myself to reality in those moments and learning to not participate in the ‘what if’ fears.

I realize that I can’t also be externalizing these fears every single time I am driving with someone in a car, because that’s not really the point as I then implant the fear and idea in the other person that’s driving. This is about me practically letting go of ‘worst case scenarios’ which have become a way to ‘spike’ my mind into a reaction in any given situation. And yes this is not only when it comes to cars, but also when crossing streets and dealing with any form of traffic. Can I continue living that way? No.

Even in walking I am extra cautious, extra vigilant and perhaps there’s tension accumulating because the background to that hyper-vigilance is fear of cars as well.

So as I was saying, my cousin said with a big smile ‘well you just have to stop fearing driving a car and that’s it!’ like taking it very lightly. The back of my mind could have reacted like ‘oh it’s so easy to say it!’ because that would be a way to revamp all the reasons and justifications of ‘why I should remain in fear of cars and driving’ and that would mean being free to actually perhaps take the steps to be ‘free from fear.’ The simplicity with which she took the whole thing amazed me, the solution seemed simple and it really is! The ‘hook’ that keeps me ‘hooked on fear’ is made out of reasons, excuses and justifications of why I should remain in fear, and that’s in fact a point of self-limitation that I’m holding on to, no matter how ‘bad’ or ‘credible’ my inner-stories are: IF they are causing any form of tension, discomfort, fear or even anxiety as it’s been happening around that topic, Then I have to let go of it. It is as simple as that, and yes it may be challenging due to how I have also been ‘justifying’ these fears in terms of how there are some reckless people driving on the streets, or how ‘badly’ some people may drive, on how everyone speeds, on how many people die in car crashes and yes, I could spiral myself out of control and really bury myself with all kinds of fears around driving or being in a car… but that’s not the way to exist.

I even realized that one of my last videos on YouTube was about walking through that fear of driving and even if I was getting to enjoy the driving in the lessons, then the crash came and I crawled back into my shell of fearing driving or cars in general and I feel somewhat stuck in a rut about it, because I haven’t been able to transcend that fear. Huge limitation, yes. Do I have the willingness to sort it out? There are other factors around that. Perhaps if the car was available, I would, but it’s not, so for now I leave it at the point of focusing on precisely letting go of punishing myself with the ‘bad memories’ around cars and walk through it. I get somewhat jealous of people that have been involved in crashes were they have been injured, perhaps even badly, yet, they keep at it. What do ‘they’ have that I don’t have? The decision to live without fear.

Now, someone else commented in that group chat about living without any fear… and that’s something that sounds to me like a constant ‘battle’ against fear as if ‘fear itself’ was the problem. To me it’s not so. Fears can also be a real indication of aspects that we have to take into consideration, to have basic common sense in how we act or do certain actions, that’s basically precaution. For example the Mexicans that got killed on Friday by a gas pipeline explosion were possibly ‘fearless’ in stealing fuel because of how ‘habitual’ it had become to them to the point where possibly one of them decided to ‘lit up a ciggy’ in the meantime and forgetting about the hazardous task they were involved in. Point is: not about living ‘without fear’ but definitely learning HOW to live in the way that one can handle things the best possible way, handling the results or consequences if things go awry, learn from the mistakes and genuinely live the saying ‘life goes on!’ and move on.

These fears that I’ve mentioned here and in the past blogs have been crippling me to say the least, not only mentally but physically. The point is that they didn’t seem ‘that bad’ but have been quite present in a constant basis and that’s how the cup got filled drop by drop so to speak. Something that I want to change is precisely being the paranoid person that I see I have become. And yes I can see how this may come as learned habits even from both of my parents, and I’m witnessing how it has affected their physical body as well to live like that…. And I also have a living example  as my partner of what it is to live without this paranoid-type of fear, and to see that it is possible, and to see how a body can exist in a rather good stability when a person decides to live without fears and taking risks and finding that whatever outcome it may bring, it is part of what life is about.

Going through life with fear is yes, the most basic form of self-punishment I can identify, because we do it to ourselves. I early on in this blog wrote about all of us practicing cannibalism, all of us humans, because we consume our physical body every single time that we think in a reactive or emotional – or feeling – way.  This is the most essential form of self-punishment, self-flagellation, self-inflicted harm or ‘eating yourself up’ in a rather literal way. I became aware of this through the education I’ve gotten through Eqafe.com and it’s about time that I tackle this very ‘primal’ way of existing which is that of fear and paranoia in the seemingly most ‘subtle’ yet ever present manners.

Letting go of this fear-habit is perhaps an addiction that I had yet to pin point and decide to work on, because of all the reasons, ideas and excuses I had allowed within me to ‘hold on’ to such fears, as if the fear, the emotional reactions or the paranoia could fix or prevent anything in reality, or ‘handle’ the situation better. They do NOT, Ever.

This leads me to look at another topic I wanted to write about which is precisely how I got to identify my ‘personality’ as Intense and how some people seem to be more naturally ‘chilled’ or stable- but not in a suppressed chilled manner where the discomfort at times simply ‘resonates’ or ‘oozes out’ from someone that ‘seems to be’ o ‘appears’ to be quite cool, calm and collected – but may be in fact be a way to suppress or hide insecurities, fears or any other reaction. I’m talking about the chillness that I’ve seen in a few people I’ve met throughout my life that portray a seemingly ‘impossible’ way of being for me. As they come through my mind and I see them and their attitudes, they live words like patience, calm, equanimity, taking it easy, being quite grounded and present, being relaxed and having a general presence of chillness about whatever they have to face or confront. One of them is my uncle who had a very serious car crash a few years ago… they both could have died and their car was full loss, but they were simply happy to be alive and of course he keeps driving and is one of the people that I believe goes through life ‘letting it go by’ so to speak… not carelessly but simply going with the flow if ‘shit happens’ so to speak, always focusing on ‘well we are alive and that’s what matters’ when seemingly bad things happen to him and his family. Whereas I projected myself being in that and kind of car crash and how I would react and use that as a way to justify some form of chronic anxiety or petrification around cars… well that would be the end of me certainly. And this is also not something I could think of doing consciously, but I have lived this very thing in a more subtle way based on what I shared above.

So, I have the living examples of people that have been through ‘worse situations’ than mine and have no fear to go back to driving or riding cars. I have the example of my father saying ‘I don’t’ regret anything’ as he goes through some of the stories of what he’s lived through in his life and at times, the ‘big mistakes’ he made that took him real money and time to recover from. He learned, he got stronger from them, he doesn’t hold the situation or other people involved in it ‘at fault’ or ‘in blame.’

These are all decision to live that I take a living lesson from. There’s also my partner whom I am quite grateful for because he’s put up with this ‘opening’ of this admittance of fears and self-created emotional reactions in me that are here for me to face and it’s for the best, because the moment is ‘ripe’ to see this through, even if facing some physical consequences, this can be a learning point for me to also then remind myself of how much I burden myself, my physical body, with all the literally useless indulgence in my mind as fears and reactions and what ifs and projections and worries and….. All that trash needs to be taken out.

I mostly decide to approach this as a quitting of a habit, an addiction. I’ve seen how ‘addicted to conflict’  as human beings we are, well perhaps many of us, and I even shared other examples of how we are addicted to sharing and giving likes to people presenting conflicts, we almost ‘rejoice’ in some kind of bad news or conflict going on between people, or pointing out the faults in others… but how much attention does a post or process of self-creation, self-support gets? Not many, but the tides are changing and I root for that change in how we support each other’s process of self-change as well.

It’s about letting go of the habit, the addiction to fear, to drama, to anxiety, to have something to constantly be ‘worrying’ about or ‘fearing’ or future-projecting about. I truly want to commit myself to be a different person with the person that I am relating the most currently which is my partner, so that I can stop repeating myself about all of these ‘subtle fears’ and worries that I bring up in our conversations. So I take it on to remind myself of expecting the best, which is not in a way thinking positively or being disingenuous about the reality of things, but as a way to focus on what normally unfolds in a rather predictable and stable way, and how even if things come up that are unexpected or not the way we planned or simply go wrong, I can also learn to go with the flow of it and take the best route to walk it, perhaps sorting it out, perhaps facing with continued consequences, it will all depend on the context.

 Another nice ‘principle’ that my partner holds as part of his ‘pillars’ to exits is ‘everything will be fine at the end, and if it is not, then one knows it’s not the very end yet.’ I take this in a very existential way though, in a way realizing that things may continue ‘flying up’ around us, things falling apart, cans of worms being opened up everywhere, going through distress, drastic changes in our lives within and without. I see it as part of our process in order for the new to emerge, for which the old must go and we are witnessing that at a global scale in many ways, some seem quite drastic and alarming, some others not as much but equally significant and equally part of the same process of existential change.  This is again WHY I emphasize on the importance of getting to understand the ins and outs of self-creation and existential creation, so that one can have a grasp of ‘how things really’ work and learn to trust ourselves as life by Living as Life as what’s best for all no matter ‘what.’ This is the only genuine way to go through whatever things we may experience in our lives and so, instead of reacting in all kinds of self-punishy ways like fear, anxiety, worry, anger, blame etc.… to best practice understanding and cooperating with being and becoming that which we CAN in fact direct and be the authority of, which is ourselves, to be and do what is best in the situation for us and for everyone involved.

For all of this, there’s Eqafe.com to explain it all and I must now honor that source of education and information and live what I’ve learned from there to no longer allow myself to fall prey to my own ‘reasons and justifications’ to exist in any form of self-inflicted harm, abuse, punishment or tension. I now redefine living intensity as the force that I know is within me as the life that I am – and that has been ‘on the waiting’ – to grow out, to be liberated from the self-created yoke of the fears and justifications, to live that passion to apply myself in these very ‘basic’ aspects such as not allowing myself to participate in these kinds of paranoid fears and worst-case scenario situations that come up in my day to day and trusting in myself as life to recover and get well from the consequences I’ve created now that I have realized and seen firsthand the effects of participating in, essentially – and excuse me for my words – my own self-created mind fuck. Let’s call things for what they are!

I thank everyone that participated in that chat and Leila for providing her insights that reminded me of all of these things that I was ‘aware’ of at a knowledge level – through the self-support and educational material at Eqafe.com – but ‘conveniently’ forgot about. Now it IS time to step into self-creation and that’s where the white canvas is and where my focus and attention will be on deciding to live in an equanimous way – yes that is quite the challenge for me as I write it, but challenge taken! – to live my intensity in a balanced way, to yes be intense in expression for self-creation, for all things that are beneficial for me – but no longer take things ‘too heavy on the heart’ as they say. To not take things SO damn seriously all the time – yes things and life are a serious matter BUT I tend to definitely be ‘too intense’ in the seriousness where it becomes a source of affliction and that has to be changed because CARING is not the same as WORRYING about things.

Genuine care is then to support myself first to breathe and slow down whenever I am experiencing any form of ‘spike’ in my heart beat and feel the pulse elevating because of one single thought that crossed my mind. I then live the commitment to be diligent about not leaving these thoughts ‘go by’ but take them on, self-forgive them because I realize they are the result and consequence of having entertained too many ‘righteous’ constructs of why I should be fearful about this or that – and remind myself that fear can’t ever be supportive when it comes to creating anxiety or any other emotion within me. Then, I rather live precaution instead of fear, for that is a reasonable way to consider reality and its potential outcomes, while also being aware that I am not able to ‘prevent’ life unfolding and all the various factors in it, but I am able to face any outcome the best way that I can, trusting myself in being able to act the best way that I can, and that means not portraying a face of strength and composure as if nothing happened all the time, but simply being able to trust myself in facing the momentary expressions of fear or any form of tension and trust myself in being able to take me back to my ‘zero point’ where I’m stable and nothing is moving within me.

I can also commit myself to practice being generally more chilled, realizing that I can’t even think of being the ‘savior’ of anyone nor prevent anyone from being harmed. Even if I cause that harm, I can always admit it to myself, see how I can do things differently from here on and move on with life. But I can’t keep holding myself captive for the ‘what ifs’ and ‘what was’ anymore.

Here I can also remind myself of the principle of shared responsibility so that I know that there are a bunch of factors that lead to the creation of a certain thing or situation not working out or going off or being destroyed. There is more than meets the eye and this is not in an ‘esoteric’ sense of the saying, but simply as a way to not get ‘hooked’ on certain moment and events that I keep ‘seeing through’ the eyes of my mind.

This implies also to change how I see or perceive situations, how I take in actions and information, how I have to also let go of assumption as in knowing exactly ‘how things are’ because I most likely cannot know. I can know about my experience, and yes I am even that ‘out of myself’ that I cannot exactly yet know what goes on with my body, so this is also part of the things that I want to now not be negligent about but be considered and attentive of, which is my physical body, to learn to be more aware of its pains and discomforts and not let them ‘go by’ ignoring them, but taking them as a cross reference of who I am in my mind and so, what I need to work on.

The decision then is to not remain a prisoner of my own repetitive thoughts and experiences, of what I did or didn’t do in the past. That’s only another comfort zone to not dare to change, live and express and I am definitely ready and willing to live and express, I just ‘thought’ that I had to still feel bad and drag my past corpses around as unwanted souvenirs lol.

Even daring to ‘be well’ and feel OK, and appear generally in a good stance within oneself seems at times ‘too good to be true’ or ‘how dare I!?’ but it is then also a point about allowing oneself to be OK and to genuinely Be Life and stop living in constant self-torture. I noticed this yesterday at a social gathering, some people that had not seen me in a long time said I looked really well like ‘radiant’… I said ‘oh well it’s supplements I started taking I guess!’ but the moment wasn’t intimate enough to say ‘you know what yes I’ve been practicing stopping existing in all of this self-blame and self-flagellation for the world and things in my life not going ‘the best way’ or how I thought they could.’ But, for those that did engage with me in conversations, I was able to share some of what I do and how I approach things and that is great too, because then they may get ideas of how to work through some of their own problems, confusions or worries.

The best way that I can advertise this process is with my own process, with my own way of living. And honoring the information and message that I’ve been privy to for the past 11 years J

So, cheers to this and to facing the current reality of the world and situations around us in a way that we can be sure, we are not going into panic, fear or anxiety, but cover our bases and act according to what seems most reasonable and best for all to do.

Thanks for reading and thanks to everyone that knowingly – or unknowingly – has supported me to walk through these aspects of myself.

 

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624. Getting Off My High-Horse

get off (one’s) high horse. To stop acting as if one is better than other people; to stop being arrogant or haughty.

 

A lot of what I shared in my previous blog was also inspired by listening to the recent Eqafe recordings called When the Honeymoon Phase is Over  and After the Honeymoon Phase because it describes really well one of the main patterns that I have lived for a long time in my own mind where I have become very picky, deterministic and absolutist when it comes to creating a perception of ‘perfection’ existing in another that stands in the ‘position’ of being ‘my partner’ and creating this high standards about how the person ‘must be.’ In a way, I’ll be describing the creation of this ‘high horse’ character where I have been experiencing a sense of superiority and comparison towards my partners where I have been quite quick to determine what ‘is acceptable’ and what ‘isn’t’ based on forgetting  and not considering a few things that I’ll be sharing here.  

Even if I knew that I am changing this at a knowledge level when it comes to not judging people based on the emotional reactions they may have, but rather step up to create space for understanding them, placing myself in their shoes, not judging but instead, look back at how I can relate to the creation of reactions and how I have supported me to walk through them, I have at the same time held a very blind spot when it comes to the person that ‘occupies’ the role of being ‘MY partner’ and in that almost creating a separate ‘grading’ system for them, because of thinking a bit too high of myself and so considering that ‘they’ should be ‘up to my standards’ in a way, and so I’ll be sharing how this is quite consequential and the lessons I’ve learned by identifying this within me through the support of that couple of Eqafe recordings.

I can totally relate to the description in the audio recording of being almost like this king with his whole flair and absolutist power to simply say ‘No’ to something and make it unacceptable and create zero space for a second consideration about someone or something they are deciding on. This is in relation to how in my relationship there was a moment where I decided to question certain reaction in my partner which wasn’t really ‘new’ because, I had been aware of it since the beginning. The important point that I’ve shared before is how it has been me all the way that decided to polarize the idea or image of the other person into a positive way where all the actual characteristics that I could have ‘questioned’ from the beginning, were shoved aside. This is where I had to realize that there was no deliberate ‘hiding’ from my partner about those aspects before, I was the only one that decided to blur them, place them aside and keep sugar coating those reactions whenever they would come up, in essence, not taking it seriously.

Yes, this is part of what is commonly known as the ‘honey moon phase,’ but it is definitely something I created in my mind where it was only now after several months that I decided to question certain reactive pattern and take it ‘too damn serious’ to question him about it, which was of course a bit ‘out of nowhere’ considering this wasn’t something new in our interactions, it was just me that in a moment decided to get on this high-horse of questioning in a very serious tone how ‘bad’ such reaction is and if I may be able or capable of continuing a relationship with someone that is having this kind of reaction towards other people in a certain moment of frustration.

Well, here is where I need to explain what this ‘high horse’ character entails and what I’ve realized from the moment I’ve been able to hear it in the recording and, to be honest, as I was translating such recordings, I had to laugh a lot when it was described, because that’s exactly how ‘I feel’ inside myself when having this ‘serious questioning’ about someone’s reaction and getting into this absolutist throne where I can put my thumb up or down to say yay or nay to continuing an entire relationship just because of getting to – or deciding to – question a pattern that I had simply left aside, not opened up and not even reacted to before. But based on my own shared experience in that moment – which yes was also that of being fed up by a certain situation that was ‘out of our hands’ I decided that what he said was ‘too sensitive’ and required attention and needed to be opened up.

This turned out to be very cool because all in all, regardless of my high horse stance or not, it was a reaction that assisted us a lot to get to talk about many other things to settle where we’re generally ‘at’ with each other in the relationship. This assisted me to refresh my memory of how I was in that moment projecting ‘how I want him to be’ – which is yes, a very common pattern in me that I haven’t totally changed, I can see that – and forgetting in one moment about the totality of who the person is and the noticeable mutually supportive aspects that we’ve developed in our relationship together.

Yep, it can be a bit baffling how I can get myself in that ‘zone’ where I just zoom-in one single aspect that I find simply ‘unacceptable’ in a single moment and suddenly decide that this is ‘so questionable’ that the entirety of who the person is becomes questionable. This is a common pitfall that I can see becomes like a tunnel vision where one can spiral almost out of control and losing sight of the reality of the person that we are judging and creating a problem about in our minds.

The high-horse character also implied that I was not seeing at all ‘my problem’ or ‘my personality play-out’ at all, because in my mind, I was in fact like this royal person that decides that this/that is not acceptable in MY life. I felt that superiority stance where almost ‘nothing’ or no one would ‘ever’ be ‘up to my standards,’ which means that somehow I have been regarding myself in a very ‘superior’ stance that I tend to mostly compare and project to the partners that I’ve had in my life. I tend to be more considerate to everyone else BUT! Holy, if it’s the one person that becomes ‘my partner’ it’s almost as if they had to be the premium gladiators to be ‘up to the standard’ of what would be somewhat similar to how I am or how I see myself.

Here, there needs to be some point of equilibrium because I’ve been in both polarities where I’ve disregarded myself in the past where I had no self-worth, self appreciation or self love and I went looking for all of that in relationships that, for the most part, were no-good for me – and were quite compromising in fact – which has been a lifelong pattern to be honest. That’s been kind of my weakness, because I believed I could ‘change them’ and within doing so, create ‘the perfect partner’ IF only they could ‘step up to my standards’ – yep, wanting to change someone or asking someone to change in order to be in a relationship is just a No-go, ever. It’s unacceptable.

Even in the most subtle things where one is compromising oneself to do certain things to please another and knowing within that ‘it is not you,’ I now realize that is just a no-go and a recipe for disaster if one starts compromising with certain things to ‘fit’ into a relationship. 

But that’s something I have only been able to see and realize now where I am with a person that accepts me as I am, even with the worst of the aspects that he also points out about myself. We recognize them and I’ve asked him to assist me when I am showing that worst of myself like the control freakism pattern I’ve shared about before and also whenever my ‘subtle ways’ come out to have him ‘be perfect for me’ type of thing, which is unreasonable and absolutely unacceptable, because it would only be about creating ‘my perfect partner’ and have this ‘perfect robot’ that doesn’t get to challenge me or question me at all. Man, that would be awful, because there is something that I am extremely grateful for which is the feedback and support that my partner provides in being very frank about the stuff that I do, how I do it and how it comes through in a moment, because let’s face it, not many people stand in such position in our lives to do that. In my life it’s been mostly my mother, some of the closest people I talk to from the Desteni community and my partner.

So getting off of my high horse happened while opening up the whole questioning of such reaction to him, where I got to actually realize that yes, I was again being too exigent, projecting ‘my ideals’ and only focusing on ‘how I think things SHOULD be’ and in that, yes, getting reminder that no person will be ‘equal to me’, nor should that ever happen because we are all individuals and part of the actual enjoyment in life is to get to know who we are and how we can decide to interact, live and coexist with a ‘world in itself’ in the shape and life of another human being.

One thing that baffles me as I said above is how much I simply became possessed for a moment about this questioning of a reaction, where I stopped considering the totality of the person and all that he has shown and lived with actions – not just judgments or backchat that he may speak out loud from time to time and yes, it was a frightening reminder of how ‘easy’ it is to fall into this pathological way of thinking where one simply focuses on ‘the worst’ of someone in one single moment and starts piling up stuff that one hadn’t worked with/looked at before and suddenly build up this whole sinister story about someone. It actually reminds me of those Thriller books I used to read as a child, where the story goes fine and dandy and then it gets to the climax where all those details and seemingly subtle points through the story build up to expose this huge problem and sinister case about a murderer or a psychopath etc. lol

I mean, really, I saw how in my mind it can easily go into that if I don’t ground myself in the basics. So that’s how what was supportive for me in that moment is to have a moment for myself to let the emotion out in crying and then realizing ok, yes, this is an emotional reaction though I know emotion and victimizing myself right now is not the way out, not talking about it is not the way out. This needs to be talked through and gotten to a point of understanding because! I already know how we are both quite level headed and there’s really no further problems between us where ‘big’ emotions emerge that could make our dialogues impossible, so that was also a grounding point to know we could simply talk about it and realize the many points that I had missed from my sight, where I went into my ‘high horse’ and create deliberate ‘sugar coatings’ as I explained in a blog about memories before. That way he could see where and how I am having a different idea of ‘how things should be’ that he simply takes as very normal stuff based on ‘who he is’ and ‘how he is’, which he has been and expressed from day 1.

So, in a way I realized I created my own storm, but it was beneficial to talk it out because it assisted me to realize how much I was not focusing on the reality of things, how I was holding on to a polarized version of him and of who he is – as I had mentioned some time ago, seeing him in this positive light only – and also how he had no clue of my relationship to certain words and attitudes and what it meant to me, while for him it was frankly normal stuff that ‘everyone does.’

This is where another aspect of the high-horse character comes through where yes, I realized that I forget that I’ve been learning how my mind operates, questioning, observing and working on myself, my reactions, my habits, changing ways in which I would ‘naturally react’ and re-wire myself on a day to day basis for over 10 years now based on the principles I’ve been learning and applying from the Desteni material.  I do realize that because of how easy it was for me to understand myself with my partner and see that he was quite principled in a natural manner, I kind of created the belief that such principles would expand on to ‘changing’ certain reactions within him, certain ‘traits’ of character… and in that forgetting that nope, having such values/principles as a person does not mean that he is working with the totality of his nature to change it.

In fact it is only now through the relationship that we have, that he is becoming aware of many things that he didn’t even question before about himself and his way of being, because of being quite a ‘man to himself,’ meaning where he only would have to ‘respond’ to himself and not having developed any real deep relationships with any other person that could get him to open up about things that he hadn’t questioned or even seen about himself, and I find that fascinating as well! Because I tend to forget who he is, his personal history, the way he has lived for most of my life and in that compare me and ‘my process’, ‘my ways’ to his and create this sudden ‘nah-uh unacceptable!’ finger-pointing type of haughty attitude to something he had not even seen as ‘a problem’ within him at all. In this I also realized the ‘disconnect’ we can create when not sharing and communicating about the way that each one of us sees certain actions the other does, which is something he has done about me pretty much from the beginning, which has been great because that’s what I wanted, a point of honesty that leads to realizing the ‘worst’ of myself that few had dared to question or point out and now I get to be with someone that won’t take any shit either lol, so we are two very ‘peculiar’ beings so to speak where each one of us has very cemented principles and ways of being that at the same time are learning to create considerations for the other and create a middle ground, which is definitely doable, even if we are both very stubborn at times lol. We totally make it fun to do this kind of things, mostly because we love each other and we realize what it entails to live with another. May sound cheesy but! Omg, it is true! haha

So! to make it simple: the opening of this situation where I was able to get off my high horse, realize I was imposing/projecting my own process to my partner – who is not walking this process or the tools I use for self support – and in that, I was in fact not living the words that I’ve committed to live with any other person, like getting to hear them, to consider them, to place myself in their shoes, to understand they are not yet knowing ‘how’ to deal with their reactions and reminding myself that I can only be an example and share how I’ve walked through similar things myself. I was almost like creating a big deal about it as if it was a person that would already know ‘how’ to use tools like self-forgiveness or being in the path to change those aspects within him. He is not, and this is something that I am also fine with, because in general the person that he is, the words he lives, the way he lives and the challenges he represents for me in my life as well are what I need at the moment.

Something that I’ve realized is that it makes it difficult at times to really get to know How to talk to ‘regular people’ out in the world so to speak, because they don’t speak your same ‘lingo’ as when being with someone that walks this process. Not saying this should be ‘the way’ when it comes to relationships between people that walk the same process or people that walk with someone that doesn’t have the same background, but I find that this is specific for me, because I definitely have realized how much I lost ground and ‘contact’ with reality when being too focused on my personal process and only relating to people that are also walking this process. So, this year has also been a testing ground for me to realize in many ways where I am living only as a ‘preacher’ but not really living what I THINK is common sense, and bam, that’s just what I needed to realize as well. While at the same time also seeing how I’ve been able to change many aspects which surely make my current relationship possible.

Part of the ways to get off of my high horse was to focus and remind myself of all the words that I wrote out about him and the reasons why I decided to be with him, which have proven to be a great pillar of support that I’m quite grateful for. I may sound too laudably, but, that’s the reality based on what has opened up for both in the relationship. It’s quite something and I definitely have to create a flag-point whenever I see myself going into these tunnel-vision points where I lose my ground about something I define as ‘negative’ and ‘unacceptable’ in a very absolutist way. I have to take a moment by myself – which I did then – to slow down, let the emotion out so that I could then sit with him, eye to eye and talk about the whole situation which was one of the moments that definitely strengthened our resolve to be with one another, and this is priceless and definitely recommendable to do, because I got to understand much more about him and consider things that I had completely forgotten about in one single moment of reacting to his reaction.

This is one of the many more reasons why I recommend getting to listen to Eqafe recordings in your day to day, like the ones I mentioned which were definitely spot on and very timely for me to look at how I was stepping into this superiority pattern that was preventing me from SEEING reality and was blinding me with this kind of ‘perfection’ light that is definitely not realistic when we are talking about a relationship with two very real and direct people that don’t hold back about things. If anything, I actually appreciate he is ‘speaking his mind’ even if the things that come out are not ‘angelical’ lol, it’s at least commendable that there’s still people that dare to say: yes this is what I thought and yes this is who I am as well, and yes I know it’s not nice or pretty but never said I was. Because it is true, so many people only fake and paint a nice image of themselves in the first phases of a relationship that lead to the inevitable ‘monstering’ phase as some say here hehe where people show their true colors and so the relationship ends around that time when they start seeing the reality of themselves.

On my side, I have to remember my process, especially when it comes to the ‘standards’ I have created towards ‘my partner’  as if that was this very ‘difficult shoe to fit’ and as I mentioned in my previous blog, it sure is, I’m not an ‘easy person’ for most of the people really, lol, I am quite exigent to myself and so to that person that is closest to me. But fortunately I found someone that also has his personal exigencies very established as well, which is why I guess we get along so well. And even if we differ in many perspectives, ways of seeing or understanding the world or in how we deal with our own problems, I’ve also come to realize that such mental-aspects don’t really matter for me. What really matters is the conviviality, the habits, the livelihood and coexistence with a person that lives with personal integrity. I appreciate more that there is no presentation or attempt to ‘fake’ a certain idea of himself to ‘be liked’ or accepted, because he wasn’t seeking that at all, which have created a very comfortable space for us in the relationship, because no one else gets to see us as ‘we truly are’ and say what we truly think to anyone else.  And her by comfortable I don’t mean, ‘easy’ because it’s not challenging, I’d say it’s the other way around, and it is paving a nice space for me to learn how to best relate to people ‘in the world’ in fact.

To me, this is supportive because he is quite an example that I definitely lacked when being in relationships in the past where my starting point was that of lack of personal appreciation, acceptance, self-worth which would reflect back on the people I would decide to be with. He is definitely the opposite of that, which is an awesome example to also take on, where is not in ‘need’ of a relationship, but sees the mutual benefit of it, he is not in ‘need’ of love because he lives that for himself, and yep to be honest I’m learning more about what it means to love oneself with actions, not just fluffy self-positive thinking. And! sure thing I’ve also been able to create an impact on the relationship he has with himself and his self-care too, so all in all, a very supportive and complementary process.

It is as simple as this: I would not have been able to be in this relationship if I had not worked with my own patterns and usual behaviors in relationships. This is STILL work to do of course, which is also cool when being with someone that has no past relationship history, so for him it’s a whole discovery process in itself that I’m quite happy and fortunate to be a part of.

And that’s how the story ends, where one moment of reacting to ‘character flaws’ and deciding to talk and open it up led to having a very supportive and vulnerable conversation that got me to realize ‘Oh fuck, I did it again!’ with being really inconsiderate of ‘where another is’ and ‘how they see things’ and imposing my own ‘change’ and even ‘my process’, instead of really considering the totality of who he is, the life he’s lived and get to also focus on the words, the actions, he has lived throughout the time we’ve been together.

I hope I didn’t spill too much honey here, hehe, but that’s what opens up within a relationship when transforming a moment of reaction, confronting it, opening it up, discussing, getting to understand each other and create a ‘new’ approach to things, which became another level of depth in the relationship.

 

Ok thanks for reading! And if you want to read a very supportive chat I had with fellow Destonians about this situation I share about here, read this chat transcript: Being in a High Horse: Becoming Aware of It and Looking at Corrections however you’ll have to sign-up to destonians.com to be able to do so, which I recommend because there’s no other group in the world where we dare to be that vulnerable in sharing the ways that we are being challenged and how to support each other to face ourselves and create the best version of ourselves. We always learn from each other.

 

 Getting OFF my high horse

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty 


620. My perspective about Politics and Self Change

 

There’s been a series of audios that I recommend everyone to listen to if you find yourself focusing too much on the idea of political change and feeling disgraceful about the state of affairs that is unleashing everyday around us – or dare I say – that we decide to become aware of through our media, through learning to really observe the lives of those around us and in doing so deciding to really become aware of their lives, the suffering, the problems, the neglect, the corruption… and the list goes on.

Sure, it’s all of those things that make us cringe but it’s definitely possible to get past the reactive state into a more proactive and self-aware way to interact with the reality around us: our creation. So these EQAFE audios are of great support for this:

Attracting Consequence vs Creating Change – The Future of Awareness – Part 103
Political Fighting versus Political Change – Future of Awareness – Part 104

What is the Use if Change is Impossible – The Future of Awareness – Part 105

How Can We Be the Future if There is no Future? – Future of Awareness – Part 106

Can’t Look Away from the Horrors of Reality – Quantum Mind Self Awareness

For anyone that has followed this blog and my process within the involvement in an intent to create political change, you may know that I became very vocal and passionate about promoting ways and solutions that at the time I saw as the only way through, a viable solution to stop the suffering, to save the world, to kind of say ‘let’s stop the madness right now, we can create a solution!’ But over the past 2 years I’ve become more and more solid in my realization which matches the explanation to the T of what is shared in the Eqafe recordings I listed above – which are an excellent presentation and walk through to confront this same point within yourself – which is about realizing that we need to stop focusing on wanting to impose a change in the current political and social systems, to understand them instead as a consequence that we are facing, while holding on to – and I’d say grounding oneself in – the realization that even if one is living in the ‘worst’ possible scenario, it is still possible to give birth to the life within self, it is definitely necessary to realize that any form of change cannot – and dare I say must not – be waited on and hoped for on the outside without one doing the necessary SELF work for it.

As I write this, I know I have shared my realization about this before and here I refer to that one blog written 2 years ago that I will continue to refer to where I disclose more of my ‘field work’ on this realization, which becomes more and more clear and cemented as a foundation for me to stand on and changing myself, because I was a person with great propensity to be constantly worrying and depressing about the state of affairs in the world. Seriously, most of the times my life would be alright but simply by living in the country I live in, it became obvious that life wasn’t ‘alright’ and that nothing was as good as it seemed at home when I stepped outside of it. This became a sort of emotional burden, a burden in my spirit if you will because I constantly felt sad, disempowered, hopeless, helpless – and yes early on in life as a teenager I would rant and rage against ‘the machine’ – which are all points that I learned to change and understand through walking the Desteni I Process and my relationship to the world system, to this state of affairs that is in a way – as I’ve learned to understand and see it – a necessary ‘ill’ for us to wake up from what we have accepted and allowed without a question for our entire history in existence.  That has assisted me to stop blaming and instead take responsibility for myself. This didn’t change in one go, it’s taken years to repeat this to myself and allow it to sink in in order to actually act differently while continuing to live in the same world.

On the other hand, I was very much within the idea that I had to become politically involved to create a point of change. I’ve already shared how within doing that at a level of research and within getting in contact with people that are involved in associations and institutions or just groups with a similar intent to create changes in the world system, I found that as much as the intent was great and geared to something good, I found there was a lot of blame, finger pointing at ‘elites’ or those believed to be handling the system, a sort of a seemingly ‘beneficent’ vengefulness that would create ‘justice’ in the world. I found that the same human nature that we have not dared to accept that we have to change became the same problem even within organizations geared to this kind of social change. That became a very important learning point for me: the change genuinely has to first be walked through within self – maybe simultaneously if you are already involved in those associations and groups – but it just cannot be neglected, or we will simply recreate the same problems of the past, because it’s us that have created it, not the institutions, the state or ‘the system’ in itself. We are IT.

Now, the recordings I mention relate to a situation where even if one is involved in politics, it all seems too pointless or without a way out and within that becoming somewhat discouraged to keep going. The audio describes the rest of the points to face and walk through quite well but here I want to add something else that has assisted me to keep facing these points, aside from what I’ve already shared in yesterday’s group chat where these points opened up.

Something I’ve learned to let go of is the desire to see ‘change’ in this lifetime, and this I’ve also learned through the Eqafe recordings that I get to hear on a daily basis for the betterment of my understanding about myself, my mind, my life and how I can decide to live and create myself, for the better. So this means that I had to let go of desiring a certain outcome or result from ‘me’ participating in this process of developing and establishing my own awareness and my own direction for the betterment of my own life and consequently of what surrounds me/us. What I could see is that many people are in that position of wanting to just give up because of seeing problems just being ‘too much’ and it all becoming ‘crazier’ by the hour. I now see it as part of the unraveling of the old that needs to go in order for the new to grow. I know it’s not a ride in the park, it is difficult, it is disheartening, it affects us personally, but even that I now see as a necessary ‘pain’ for our very necessary growth.

What works for me is to not focus on the ‘effect’ or ‘reach’ of what I do and having that constant intent to ‘change others’ or ‘change the world’ or ‘save the world’ – which were expressions that I embodied for a long, long time in my life, which left me feeling more helpless and disheartened, because! I could not ‘do it’ by myself, lol. It’s funny how we burden ourselves with ‘the world’ as if it was only US that had to save it… nope, not going to happen like that at all. But I was so infatuated with the idea that I – me- had to take certain position or take charge of something ‘big’ in the world to change and turn the tables that it became this drive to achieve something that I wasn’t realistically going to do in my life at the time. I was following an idea of what I could do that felt good – and sure it wasn’t all bad, learned lots and promoted certain principles as well – but the reality is that in the meantime, I neglected a LOT of things about my personal life that I am currently facing the consequences of, not cool either, but again a very necessary process to see where I ‘took off’ and elevated my feet from the ground, of my life, what I have to do and can do to first of all get myself on my two feet in stability in all aspects within this reality, instead of already wanting to ‘live’ in the ‘perfected and changed world’ in the future.

Well, that’s been the learning process for me and in a way – at times painfully, yes -seeing how I distracted – purposely dare I say – from me, my process, my own introspection and directly seeing what I had to do, change, move on to with myself and my life, my career and projects – because it became in a way easier or more comfortable to be constantly focused, concerned and worried on all things ‘outside’ of myself. Again, not all wasted because I learned lots about the systems, society, the ways in which we’ve shaped our lives – but at the same time I also remained in a state of hoping that such change – especially financially and economic changes – could then benefit me and so I would not have to go through the usual ways to make money in the system… well that is definitely not going to happen and I have to step up in really making sure that I can first be best for myself, take responsibility for myself, instead of hoping for a change out there, which is most likely not going to happen in my lifetime – and that’s OK.

The other vital point here is that I’ve learned to do things by principle, not by the ‘result’ I may see. This is easy to say but it’s harder to remind myself of it because from time to time, this same ‘hopelessness’ rears its head about the belief that what I do in the seemingly ‘trivial’ things in my life have ‘no impact’ whatsoever in bettering anything or anyone. Instead of realizing that this is precisely where I need to focus and work on, to develop that self-respect, integrity, passion, dedication, discipline, care and consideration first for my own person. I can now look back and be honest about the fact that I wasn’t at ‘my best’ when preaching about world change, but it felt good to communicate such principles or turn it into a higher purpose, which without a doubt served a role and a function that got me out of my sunken reality of hopelessness, doom and gloom about reality.  However, such passionate intent wasn’t matching the life that I was living in its totality – nor is it now really, but I am on the way to take care of that as well, as we all are.

So, this means that even if one is deciding to get involved in politics or any other group or association that is geared to create changes in the world system or in your community, the point is to do it as an expression and an extension of what you’ve done first for yourself – or simultaneously doing so, if you find it’s easier to ignite that passion to get yourself moving when it involves doing something for others/something outside of yourself. It doesn’t matter where or how that inner fire is ignited, but what is of primary importance is to not lose sight of oneself, especially of the emotions like discouragement, hopelessness and victimization – or even vengefulness – that may emerge as one decides to get more involved, more aware and participative in any effort to create awareness and so change in the world systems. What has worked for me is to focus on the principle, on the actual matter that I am to create an impact upon myself and express that, externalize that through what I speak, do and share.

For example, this means that even if I decided to take on a position in politics at some point, I would do so if I could guarantee that my life would not be in danger, which at the moment is just not an option in the country I live in – not even being a journalist that reports ‘truth’ is safe, so I rather just not risk myself with that and continue focusing on what I can, what is at my reach here: my own life, my own wellbeing, my relationships, my family, the people I support within this process, the work that I do, the words, the actions, the expressions that any person may come in contact with coming from me: that’s the current impact I have and that’s my current ‘enough’ based on the conditions and situation I live in.  This is another great point that was outlined in that interview, defining what is Enough in self-honesty, what one can honestly do without compromising our own wellbeing, because then we’d stop being ‘the best for ourselves’ and end up just becoming another sort of ‘savior’ that intends to create ‘change’ out there, but within self all is chaotic and problematic and reactive and enacting angry and irresponsible behaviors with a sense of ‘doing good’ – which now I understand are the very reactions that I needed to work on and change within me.

One of the key points then for me was to leave the notion aside of having to do something that is ‘out there’ at ‘the eyes of others’ and to become something ‘relevant’ at the level that I see other people are doing in the system. That’s me – myself – if anyone is at that position, that’s great and I’d say it is also specific that some can do that, but for now I keep track of what goes on in the world, continuing to strengthen my understanding and within that my resolve to focus on myself, my own self-education about how we got to where we are in creating the problems and within that learning to see the solutions that would be possible within a longer period of time with my generation and the many generations to come.

To me it is currently more relevant to ensure I am no longer placing a pressure within myself to want to have ‘some impact’ out there, stressing about world problems and instead learning to do the seemingly ‘insignificant’ things that are actually part of taking care of myself, my health, my relationships and no longer see all of it as mere things to ‘get past’ to get to the ‘meat’ of life such as having an important political position and such to genuinely ‘change the world’ or feel like I finally am ‘making it.’ Nope, now I understand that those seemingly ‘insignificant’ things are the gist of what change means, by continuing to create habits, relationships, ways of being and expression that represent the potential that I see in myself as the life that I am and that I would like to see in the world out there.

This is what is the real challenge for me, to not become overshadowed by being drowned in the sea of consequences, but by staying afloat – and why not, at times walking on water so to speak – when it comes to understanding consequences, realizing them and living the solutions within my life and my context that would sort the ‘major’ problems out there if more would stand up and do the same.

I must say that having this ‘standard’ in life in how I now see it has led me to align with people that see the same and live the same principles, which is somewhat difficult to find but at the same time, I now dare to say ‘that’s not entirely so!’ because I’m seeing a lot of people ‘waking up’ to these principles of self responsibility and first learning to care for ourselves, our lives, our environment instead of being distracted with various ‘social causes’ that may lead to more fighting, confrontations, conflict, division, protests, media frenzies and general divide and conquer tactics that a lot of people have become blind to because of holding to a very narrow view of the world and their role in it.

So, all I can say is that I am slowly but surely regaining the sense of strength of who I am and what I can see my potential is – no matter what I do or where I am – because of understanding that I cannot be affected by what I see around, I cannot be discouraged by seeing the very necessary destruction of dinosaur institutions and old consequential ways of coexisting that are slowly but surely starting to change at the individual level.

Therefore I keep pushing at this level of change: focusing on myself – and realizing this is NOT selfishness, but it is now very obvious and clear that if I am not the best, I cannot dare to actually utter any form of solution or attempt of change ‘for the world’ if I haven’t yet honored myself enough to embody these words as who I am in every aspect of my life. That to me is real respect for life as well, to not only parrot words or feel good about apparently doing something ‘good’ for others – but to genuinely get to live that, embody and substantiate my life with that and therefore do it as an extension of what I have lived and done for myself first.

I focus on the matter, the things that are at hand for now, I ensure I can stand on my own two feet and keep the flame ignited of the life that I know I am able to live and enjoy, so that as I keep walking, I can open up opportunities and ways to continue expanding this process of creation of life, even in the midst of the rubble, because what matters is again who I am in those moments, not the ‘effect’ I can visibly see. This is then my principle, where I don’t allow myself to get discouraged by the news or what I see outside of my house, but use those as reminders of how I definitely need to keep standing and keep being that living best for myself, because that’s what I can do at the moment. And interestingly enough, without being too optimistic, interesting things happen when one starts seeing the world differently, as the potential it can be instead of being ‘sunk’ into this depressed state of ‘all is fucked, there’s no hope’ which was my ‘usual’ state of being before.

This is good enough for me at the moment and to me this is what I have to keep learning to integrate as a reminder of what I want to contribute to this world and how eventually we could all contribute to create if each one lives this best for themselves. This is what sounds very realistic, from generation to generation, to keep planting and growing, as long as it is needed – doesn’t matter – because what matters is who I am in the moment, in every day.

Thanks for reading.

Seeing within SElf

 

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