Category Archives: Self Expansion

587. Adapting to the New instead of Wallowing in the Old

Or walking through an experience of ‘standing up’ in my dream and not going into past patterns upon seeing familiar ‘triggering points’ to do the opposite before.

 

I had a dream about moving to a new city to live with my partner and essentially finding myself in a completely new environment where things didn’t quite turn out ‘as I had expected’ initially, which means that the creation of expectations was the comparison point that I used to define that ‘the way things turned out’ was not satisfactorily or how I had ‘painted’ it in my mind. Even more so what became evident is how I had idealized the relationship with my partner and that once that we were in that moment of ‘settling it’, nothing was as I imagined it to be. I’d perceive him as being rather detached/distant, offish, lackadaisical, moody, not really wanting to go out once that we had arrived to our destination and in that it was interesting that even if the environment, situation and things weren’t as ‘I had imagined them to be’ I still decided to then be the one that would go out on my own and start meeting up with people, where I made that decision to move and ‘find my way’ in it, instead of what I probably would have done before which is to wallow and go into a similar ‘state of mind’ as I would see my partner do, which is something that resembles more of previous relationships I’ve been in and how yes, there has been people in my life that would definitely act this way and I would allowed myself to be also discouraged, to also go into a ‘depressed’ mode, but not anymore. However I’ll walk through how I made that change within me. 

 

Upon noticing how things would really be like in that situation, there was an initial ‘disillusionment’ in it as well upon seeing reality for what it was and not through the eyes of my ‘dreams’ or ideals and expectations, which I can identify as a ‘grounding’ moment as well to not build or create any expectations or idealize potential outcomes or future situations, but rather be able to work with ‘what’s here’ in the moment, which applies to anything in my life, to build and create something in the moment rather than future projecting, planning, idealizing something ‘too much’ out there in a distant future and this is how through the dream I became aware of my participation in this in a ‘background’ manner to bring it to the front and be more directive in relation to it.

 

As I was walking through or ‘processing’ what was my new reality arriving to live in a new country, with new people, I made a decision to not wallow into an experience of disappointment or disillusionment but instead, I made a decision to not give into a depression or plain ‘down’ experience and instead decide to literally go out and start creating my way, starting to talk to people that in my dream were ‘familiar’ ones actually which seems uncanny in a ‘new city’ but I get the gist of it as in ‘leading my way through it’, which then got me back to seeing how I decide how I experience myself in any circumstance, I define who I am in it – and within this not seeing places or people as limitations, but rather see through the eyes of opportunities as new environments, new ways, new challenges to adapt into, to overcome, to find my way through and so live adaptability and flexibility.

 

I also see it as something where once that one gives a certain step into this kind of life changes, such as moving to another place to live and start ‘a new life’ there, no matter what the inconveniences are such as ‘hot weather’ or ‘foreign language’ or ‘the people around me not acting the way I expected’ to realize that it’s still entirely up to me who I decide to be in it, which is what I did in the dream.

 

For example, I first have to decide who I would like to be in such situations, instead of going into my mind to see it all as a ‘mistake’ and going into some kind of ‘backing off’ from my decision, which I was slightly doing initially in my dream which felt like a ‘sinking’ or ‘wallowing’ physical experience – yes in the dream – until I decided to take the steps to literally ‘put myself out there’ as it’s said and that changed my whole experience in the moment, from that ‘sinking’ experience or even ‘depressive’ experience or ‘missing’ experience to ‘I decide to create how I live and what I’d like to create in this moment’ and ending up seeing myself enjoying the company of more people that I’d get to connect with there.

 

Here opening up a bit more about expectations which I’ve tested out and realized in my life are usually a certain road that leads to disappointment, disillusionment and most probably a belief that ‘nothing is as good as it seemed’ because we tend to create ‘ideal conditions’ in our minds based on how we would ‘like’ things to be, on our limited preferences and one thing we know about reality is that life is never what we want it to be and that’s how it definitely should be from my perspective, otherwise, how else would we learn to grow, expand and adapt ourselves, to get ‘new bits’ of ourselves created within the purpose of expanding our lives within and without of ourselves?

 

I also saw how creating expectations is linked to a desire for control which is also one of those ‘biggie’ points that I’ve been walking through in my life, and so making peace with the reality fact that we can’t really know how anything will in be for certain until we are living it here, in the moment. We can’t ever really have control over ‘how things are going to be,’ we cannot control at all the conditions, outflows, potentials and variables in any point of our lives, we can only control and direct and so change ourselves in it.

 

So to me the word that I’ve been looking at is the capacity to Adapt to the circumstances, to be flexible and enjoy myself in doing so, where instead of going into a ‘closing off’ within me upon seeing certain ‘hurdles’ on the road, I decide to push through and decide to see things from the starting point of potentials to develop, to see it as a challenge as well and not at all participating in the idea of ‘going back’ to my comfort zone, but instead walk through the perceived ‘unexpected’ experience and eventually see that as with any change, sure there’s an initial ‘settling time,’ there’s a moment to adjust, there are challenges, changes which is all part of getting out of one’s comfort zone, which is precisely where I want to be in my life really. Ultimately that’s definitely what makes one grow and expand as a person and with those around oneself as well, like in my case of the dream to now allow me and my experienced to be defined by the one that my partner in that moment was going through, but be a living example of creating the experience that I wanted to create in that moment, of course not just for the sake of ‘experience’ but in consideration of what I was there to do as a purpose I am creating for myself, which is very much linked to connecting with more people.

 

So, it was cool for me to not go into this ‘sinking’ experience as I would usually go into when having my expectations not ‘meet reality’ and instead embrace reality as is, no mind-preferences attached.

 

I have to be quite devoid of expectations towards my life wherein yes, I can have a distinctive direction and decision on what I’m about to live and do, but I am aware I cannot control all factors or have things be like this ‘perfect dream’ in my mind, but instead be open and flexible in whatever I decide to create and participate in, be willing and ready to take on ‘whatever comes’ and more importantly to trust myself in that no matter ‘what’ goes around or where I am: I am here, I can expand, I can adapt, I can learn, I can grow and if all things eventually don’t lead to the outcome that is best for myself and others, to again not be afraid to take a different road and walk through it from the start. 

 

Because that’s ultimately what was also an underlying experience in the dream, like ‘what if this was a mistake?’ ‘what If I made a wrong decision?’ and in existing within that fear of making mistakes, I’ve limited myself a lot before within fearing to make a different decision, to change my situation because of fearing failure ultimately or ‘things not working out,’ but I’ve been learning a thing or two about this as well in my life recently and having the guts to make radical changes and learn what it means to start anew, therefore I’m clear on that as well.

 

Ok so that’s a simple example of how yes, dreams to me at times become a very clear way to ‘walk through’ something that exists at deeper levels within me or that I have been participating in without fully opening it up and because it comes up in such a clear manner, it definitely prompts me to not avoid it, but look at it and rather see it as a gift to not ‘leave the points aside’ and take them on to see ‘who am I’ in relation to what I went through in the dream and utilize them as a cross reference, like in this case it was a way to verify that I am integrating this self-change in all aspects of myself – awake and asleep – which is cool.

 

I also see that whatever I projected onto the environment or the people in it don’t define ‘them’ but define me and aspects of myself that I’ve lived in my own life before or that or previous partnership situations where I have in fact allowed myself to ‘settle in’ with people that would not want to support themselves, and so in a way feeling restricted because of having to ‘be’ with someone that required a lot more time to eventually get to a point – if any – of self-support.

 

So I can only look back at myself whenever I see that I am existing as such detachment, coldness, aloofness or ‘offish’ experience to snap myself out of it. Doesn’t really happen to me lately, I can honestly say that, but I have surely existed as this before in my life and as with anything, we see in others what exists within ourselves, either in an active or passive manner so again, it’s up to me to also see who I would decide to be towards someone that I am perceiving is ‘subsumed’ in such experience and what I would decide to do in order to assist them in such situations, which in that case I decided to be an example of not going ‘into an experience’ but go out there and live out what I decided to do there.

 

Check out these awesome audios that touch upon a similar situation in someone’s life and how they ‘picked themselves up’ from it.

Thanks for reading!

 

Running Away from Detachment

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


582. From Resentment to Learning and Appreciating

 

Or walking through a revision of past relationships and learning to let go of ‘what once was’, keeping what was good while also opening up current opportunities to communicate and learn from myself and others.

So, continuing on the point of reconciliation within self and then extending it to some people in my life. It really only takes one’s will to get things done, a decision to look at it and in self-honesty just move and do the connections, do the writings, sending the messages or emails and get it done, I really have no excuse to do this nowadays with our multiple ways to connect through the internet, so it was just a matter of ‘doing it’ and so it’s done.

It was interesting to send messages to people that I know I had been particularly arrogant and short-sighted towards, in a way yes explaining a bit of my context back then in my interactions with them and how I’d like to apologize for my behavior and abrupt ways towards them. These are people that even if we are not ‘on the same page’ anymore, I’ve tested this out some two years ago with another past friend of mine how it was quite supportive to simply get in contact again, have some coffee together and get past the ‘itch’ of having ended up things in an ‘awkward way’ after being quite close friends – best friends actually – for a few years over a decade ago. In the same way I also decided to ‘touch base’ with another friend that I had also been procrastinating to contact for some months now and in a way reminding myself to not be the one that ‘let’s things dry’ because of not nurturing relationships, and in doing so forgetting how much I do enjoy sharing myself with people and not only in this format of writing a blog but in actual one on one communication.

I’ve looked at the word ‘miser’ lately and how I tend to in a way isolate myself, even more so when things are going quite stable, fine in my life and not consider sharing more of myself with others when things are ‘quite alright’ on my end. Meaning, I’ve seen how the pattern in my life has been of mostly keeping in contact with others when being ‘longing’ for communication or ‘desiring’ some kind of contact with others or feeling down and in a way wanting to establish a point of support for me through getting in contact with others. In other words, I’ve seen how in my case I had tended to create relationships because of not being ‘ok’ and ‘stable’ within myself, or having sought validation, appreciation or ‘self-worth’ through relationships and friendships. I realize how I haven’t yet decided to create relationships without having a ‘need’ for it such as having an experience of dread within me like feeling that ‘I need to talk to someone’ or out of wanting someone to ‘hear my problems’ or vice versa where I played ‘the savior’ with friends and partners as my way to be relevant in someone’s life, but that’s in the past.

So the new starting point is establishing communication is simply through making a decision to get to see how another is doing and where they’re at in their lives and simply saying ‘Hi! I’m here!’ and having no further pretense on it, which is what I decided to do today as a result of deciding to live the word reconciliation with certain people I had kept in a ‘bottle’ within myself tagged as ‘conflictive situations’ and had buried it somewhat deep down in the sands of time so as to apparently not have to ‘face them’ at any point again. But I know they come up in my awareness, therefore I knew that I still had to give a direction to it, which I did just today.

I’d like to share a bit about my physical experience while writing to both of them. A noticeable kind of ‘wavering’ emerged in my solar plexus, a bit of a heaviness as well because of believing ‘I don’t know where to start’ but didn’t dwell much on it. I started with whatever came up in the moment, something that has recently led me to think of them or remember them and from there share a bit more about myself, leading to going ‘straight to the point’ of what I consider I wanted to share with them for some time now which is apologizing for how I treated them before, explaining a bit of my context at the time and from there opening up the door for communication, and leave it at that.

It was also interesting how in a way as I was typing  – and this is rather unusual in me – I was kind of wanting to look away from the screen as I was typing lol, like looking towards the window as my fingers moved on across the keyboard (I can type without seeing the keyboard) so upon noticing these insta-moments of ‘wanting to look away’ I realized that it was me physically acting the remnants of this ‘admitting my silliness’ towards them and a bit of shame related to ‘what I’ve done’ towards these people and ‘owning’ my reaction through finally writing/touching base with them.

What was also important for me is to clear my starting point, meaning not contacting them out of guilt, out of ‘making up for’ the past or ‘redeeming’ myself with them – even though I apologized, it’s more a consideration of me towards them, but not out of guilt anymore –  it was more of a genuine decision to ‘open up’ to communicate, to be willing to follow through the communication and also making sure I hold no reactions, grudges, ideas, beliefs perceptions about ‘them’ or ‘the past’ or anything of that, but kind of create a ‘blank slate’ for them, anew, meeting them for the first time type of openness if you will.

I consider this is also part of the maturity to embrace our past, not judging it and being able to embrace what’s here in our current reality, no longer being limited by the past or holding relationships of ‘grudges’ and ‘sour times’ towards to others, but being self-forgiving towards it all.

You know how when we are kids – or sometimes not so ‘young’ but happens anyways – and we get flustered with each other for ‘silly reasons’ – hence the ‘reconciliation = recognizing the silliness in a situation’ – and how much we had to hold up this ‘tight face’ towards each other, yet how easy it was to also in a moment decide to ‘be friends again’ and be done with it at the same time, quite a more innocent approach for sure, which I can now integrate as the way to look at people: with innocence, anew, not ‘loading all my memories of the past’ next time I see them, but be ‘devoid’ of it all and work with what emerges in the moment.

To me there was a significant situation in my life where I was able to understand how ‘easy’ it was to get back to ‘being friends with’ someone even after years of not talking to each other. This happened with my cousin who later on became my best friend for quite a few years where we had a conflict, a ‘kids’ conflict’ – yes, literally fighting over a Barbie skirt or something like that or me being bothered by the roles she wanted to take on in ‘children’s play’ – and we got to a point of deciding not to talk to each other. I was like 5 and she was 6 and this lasted for some 5 years in fact. We would go to the same school every day, be taken to it in the same car and only speak the basics, but never hangout together. I still can’t believe how long it took us to get to ‘make peace’ with each other, which didn’t emerge from us, but through my aunt that decided to place us both in a situation of giving each other ‘the peace hand’ during a new year’s eve or Christmas after 5 years of not talking to each other, and from there on we were together for quite a few years in a very close manner.

I consider now how my ‘pre-teens’ and early teenage years would have been if I had not re-established my relationship with my cousin that way, and how I would have turned out if I had continued to live with a grudge and this ‘silly’ disconnection towards her for really ‘no reason’ at all other than each one of us having these ‘tough headed reasons’ of why we apparently disliked each other. Yet, when we finally made peace with each other, it was almost instantaneous that we could enjoy each other a lot along with the rest of our cousins. Though it seems I didn’t entirely learn from that situation at the time, because I did get to repeat same story in my life with a few people, some whom I see is also best to not contact for now because of yes, being in quite different ‘spots’ in our lives, though it’s also up to me to ensure that I am not holding any grudges or ‘hurt feelings’ towards them.

What I’ve been doing instead lately is to remember of all of these people that I’ve come to be in contact with and be friends with at some point in my life – no matter how long or short mostly from my teenage years on – and rather being grateful for them, for the times I got to spend with them, what I got to learn from them, how each one assisted me in their own ways to ‘open up’ to a world that would have been quite difficult for me to find and discover on my own. Therefore I’ve been also doing this ‘revisiting’ within myself towards these people in my life and changing my perspective towards them from only seeing ‘their defects, their problems, the justifications why I stopped being friends with or in a relationship with them’ to rather ‘keeping all the good’ that I did learn from them, that I got to enjoy from them and that I have in fact integrated as parts of myself and who I am without being consciously aware of it. Therefore turning my relationship towards them within myself from existing in a grudge to gratefulness, of learning from each and remembering in essence all the cool stuff that I did get to learn, live and express with and through my relationships with them.

This has assisted me in also stop seeing my past relationships as ‘a fuckup’ or only as a bundle of ‘problems’ or ‘conflicts’ and whatever else stands in a negative stance. This has only been possible to do as I also have been changing the way I see my life and how I see people, stopping focusing on all the flaws, the heavy judgments I used to constantly rehash about everything and everyone and instead decide to cherish the supportive stuff, that which I genuinely learned from and enjoyed in and from them.

Now this is also a way to turn nostalgia into something practical too, because I had tended to become very ‘nostalgic’ about my past that I either idealized within a ‘positive’ experience or the complete opposite. What I’ve done is to instead be more objective and going reviewing ‘each person’ that in a way has made an impact in my life and seeing the words they lived, the aspects I liked about them, what ‘attracted me to them’ and from there seeing how I can live these words within myself. This makes of this ‘remembering’ or ‘revisiting’ process something a lot more supportive than just rewinding memories and creating a yearning for the past or something like that, which is not ‘here’ not for them, not for me, not for anyone really.

So, this becomes a much more tangible thing to do in a way to also create a reconciliation with my past, with how I related to people back in the day and yes why not? seeing what can be re-established in relation to them currently – or also using imagination in a supportive manner to see ‘who would I be’ if I see them again, would I hide and pretend I don’t see them or would I gladly approach them to talk to them? The latter is what I decide to do, which is not something that comes ‘natural’ to me, because I’ve seen how when being caught up in the moment fear has emerged and I’ve done the ‘hiding and pretend you don’t see them’ before, but I decide to change this because hiding and pretending not to see means there are memories, things I am still reacting to, fearing or defining of myself in relation to them, and there’s no point in continuing that, because I have in essence nothing to ‘hold on to’ of my past any longer.

This is therefore merely the outflow and practical process of in fact ‘letting go’ of the past and what it means to practically not react to memories and people ‘of my past’ and instead learn to see them as: people! Yes, sure,  people I connected with in various levels before, but I can decide to no longer see them as ‘a memory’ but focus on who they are currently and take it from there, which is the same approach I definitely would like others to create towards me: to bury all hatchets and start anew, because hell, yes I’ve done this for myself within this process, giving myself that ‘blank slate’ and ‘starting over’ in so many aspects, so it’s about time to extend it to many other ways ‘outside’ of myself too.

Thanks for reading!

Check out these supportive audios to walk through similar points in your life

Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 1) – Demons in the Afterlife – …

Life Review – The Relationship between Fear, Guilt and Shame

How to Transcend Shame and Transform It to Integrity – Part 170

Guilt: Understanding Guilt – Atlanteans – Part 123

Shame, Shame, Shame – Quantum Systemization – Part 58

Redefining Integrity – Reptilians’ Support – Part 171

It’s too Late for Me – The Future of Consciousness – Part 78

Wall of Shame – Quantum Systemization – Part 69

 

 Rooting Back

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


579. The Awkwardness of Change

Or facing ‘awkwardness’ as a result of having judged everything that I am now testing to integrate in my life – joke is on me! Lol

One thing  that is constant within a process of change is adapting to the ‘new version of me’ where it’s kind of like making space for ‘the new’ to be created in my life and this can range from changing perspectives to changing habits, behaviors, ways of looking at things, ways of perceiving reality, ways of interacting with others, ways in which I decide to experience myself… and one thing that I had kind of forgotten about is the initial ‘discomfort’ or ‘awkwardness’ that emerges within oneself when one is first deciding to change something or implement something ‘new’ in our lives.

I was talking to someone that I support in their own process of self-change today and it reminded me a lot of how I used to go through the same kind of judgments that he’s going through when it comes to identifying the points of change and even while considering what words it would take him to live to change such old habits into the new version of himself – that he actually wants to express and live as – he starts feeling somewhat ‘fake’ in doing so, not ‘authentic’ and I can relate a lot to that, especially with some of us people that have ‘engraved’ our personalities as these ultimate and unchangeable statements of ‘who we are’ and believing ‘we should and cannot change those parts of ourselves, no matter how constructive the reason might be, which of course becomes the most limiting thing to ever hold on to.

This reminded me of the saying ‘fake it till you make it’ which was a somewhat common thing to read and hear at the beginning of my process of understanding who I am as my mind and so taking on the process of self-change, but I never really understood it when it came to ‘faking something,’ but today it became a lot clearer how there is definitely this ‘transitional phase’ where one has to actually step out of the old and into the new and that leap that one decides to take on isn’t at all a ‘walk in the park’ for many, and I guess it all depends on many variables and individual contexts, but I certainly can share about my own.

I had tended to judge anything that was too positive, too bright, too ‘shiny and happy’ so to speak as something that was unrealistic, something fake, something that was covering up the ‘deep ugly truth’ behind the shiny façade and so I lived in this kind of judgment for most of my life actually, essentially creating a set of ‘immovable’ judgments towards anything that I decided was not ‘real’ and was ‘too good to be true’ apparently, which led me to then of course create – accept and allow – the exact opposite as ‘who I am’ and how I decide to think, be, live and interact with in relation to myself, the way I would think and perceive things, the relationships I’d create and the kind of personalities, words, thoughts, experiences I’d develop as ‘who I am’ in general.

When I made a clearer decision to actually start changing this very ingrained personality and starting to take those first steps out of the ‘old’ as all that comfort in gloominess personality in me and starting to embrace or integrate a more joyful, affable, open or happy way of being and expressing, I completely felt like a fake, because! I was experiencing the judgments that I had created and imposed towards everything that I had in fact denied myself to be, live and experience as ‘who I am,’ even if that meant having actually a more settled, grounded, enjoyable life and expression – instead of living in constant judgment and denial of that which I discovered I genuinely enjoy!

It felt so awkward to in essence open up myself to ‘the joy of life and living’ so to speak, which by the way didn’t happen that ‘long ago’ to be honest, even if I had been very busy with suggesting ways to create a change in the world, deep down within myself I was still sort of refusing to give up my own gloom and doom, which was in turn reflected in the very detail of how I would approach – read judge – anything that seemed too happy, too joyful, too ‘lively’, too colorful even – and oh boy am I facing this last one currently lol – and what ended up happening is that I became subject to my own judgments when I decided to stop this character/personality in me and bit by bit, slowly but surely start shedding this ‘past’ personality within me that was existing in a denial and continuous judgment to the actual potential and expansion that life can be lived in.

Why was that? In a way I had created a false sense of comfort – just like any other personality – in things not ever going ‘that quite right’ and so always having something to worry about, something to be emotional about… which becomes another energy-addiction where I was criticizing ‘positive thinkers’ for example, without realizing I was living exactly the same way but in its polarity in fact. That’s also how I realized that as much as I was apparently criticizing others for being ‘into the light and love’ I was in fact doing the exact same just in the opposite end, not that it meant ‘hatred and darkness’ in such ‘opposite way’ lol, but close enough to seeing everything as futile, without solutions, believing that life was never ever meant to be ‘lived happily’ but simply made ‘justice’ of and even if I knew this potential of living a ‘good and happy  life’ is common sense – and is what most people aspired to, including myself at a theoretical level – I could not even fathom myself and my actual happiness or how that could be genuinely lived because I was existing in so many judgments and denial of such possibility in my life that even in moments where I was in environments where it was genuinely a supportive environment all around, I didn’t feel ‘quite right’ in it all, it felt ‘too awkward’ lol, because of it being ‘too good, too positive’ for me at that stage in my life, which meant I had to face some more years of self-denial until I decided to step out of my gloomy cocoon for once and for all – or being in the continuous process of doing this in my case.

Well, what I had to do is to actually walk through and debunk all of my judgments towards all of these living potentials that surely can be identified as ‘positive’ but that’s also another point. I decided to no longer see them as ‘positive,’ as an experience only, but rather look into the substance, the expression that I decide to live and express because I see this is what’s actually best for me and so for everyone else – instead of holding myself back or ‘down’ based on a personality that I actually had quite a bit of a ‘hold’ to, based on what I believed ‘I should be like’ which yes, would still be very rigid and ‘unchangeable’ in spite of me agreeing with certain notions of what would be an actual happy, free and loving world… I still deep down within me denied those same things to be experienced in my life…. Until fairly recently.

So! In my discussion with this guy, I realized how I had gone through the exact same ‘awkwardness’ of embracing this ‘new me’ and actually still am because I’m kind of shedding an old skin here and it’s definitely a day by day process of identifying the judgment and walking through it practically.

A point where I’m facing this the most for example is embracing colorfulness and ‘bright lights’ when it comes to painting, I cannot describe how ingrained it is within me to tend to end up darkening everything to the point of barely being able to see a thing… I’ve been ‘struggling’ with that a bit but I know exactly what those thoughts are when it comes to placing some thick layer of pure – unobscured color – such as: ‘that’s too bright, that’s too colorful, shade it down, it’s too lively, that wouldn’t be you!’ and this last bit right here: ‘that wouldn’t be you!’ is the one point that kicks me back into my judgmental ass and in a moment there I am, again going for the darker tones….. only to then now having to be adding light as a way to step out of my pattern again, and it’s not the ‘best result’ either according to my yes ‘current’ judgment, but I see it as a way to go breaking through and also learning what happens when I follow those thoughts of ‘oh that would not be you!’ or ‘that’s too bright/too happy!’ and actually go daring more with stepping out of my old patterns. It becomes awkward, because of all those judgments rushing back at me… lol, hence ‘the joke is on me’ because I never thought of myself being doing that which I had almost ‘resigned’ to ever do again.

It does feel at times like cringing inside myself whenever I’ve had to go implementing these sort of changes in various areas of my life, I’ve felt fake, felt ‘not me’, felt like I was being a ‘hypocrite’ because I was then now trying to be and express that which I had always judged as ‘too fake, too happy, too positive, too good to be true’ but! It’s actually quite cool and ‘the place to be in’ when it comes to actually changing, because I’m facing the totality of myself, my creation as my judgments and having to walk through them in order to now give myself the creative authority and freedom to be, live and express the way that I see is ‘here’ as myself, that I want to now live and develop as my expression.

This example can be expanded to anything else where changing becomes an experience of ‘doing things out of character’ which yes! It is exactly what it is all about, it is about shedding the old and into the new, while being aware that yes, there is that phase of adaptation, of shedding, of trying new things, testing out ways, finding what ‘works’ for us in many ways, that is a process, for sure. Yet this is already a doing, taking a step forward, a decision to ‘step into the unknown’ which to many of us might seem ‘too risky’ or ‘too uncertain’ but, something is quite clear to me by now: we have to give ourselves that power/ability to reinvent ourselves, and this is precisely what I’ve found supportive to remind myself of whenever I get this ‘awkwardness’ within changing these aspects within and without of me.

The ‘awkwardness’ is nothing else but the result of my own judgments staring back at me, I see my own mirror/my-error of what I built, created and participated on before when believing that I had the right to judge, to criticize and diminish anything that I defined as ‘wrong’ essentially – still a morality point – and it’s quite ludicrous because I was actually imposing this to what life is about currently for me – of course considering its ‘ups and downs’ – but I’ve learned to also focus on the potentials, the enjoyment, the growth, the expansion, taking risks, taking opportunities… I guess I’ve been writing a lot about this kind of stuff as of late,  but that’s what I’m set on and can only share about the bits of discomforts experienced in doing so, embracing the ‘newness’ so to speak and letting go of my judgment to it all as ‘too good to be true’ or ‘too fake’ because we decide who we are in what we express, we give ourselves the authority/authorship in what we create and who we are within it.

That’s the key within this all as well; it’s not so much about ‘what’ we do but WHO we are within it. Ultimately it’s not really about colors or brightness, lightness or darkness, it’s about what we decide to express as ourselves, without judgments, but purely through the physical expression and in whichever form, shape or color this comes through. That’s how I’m currently facing the process of going to the ‘extremes’ and testing my ground in it, lol, which is kind of fun when looking back at it but I surely have faced times of ‘this isn’t working at all’ but don’t get to that point of giving up on it any longer, I just recognize this ‘awkward and uncomfortable experience’ for what it is: a transitional experience while I go practicing, testing out, weaving this new me for now… I mean who knows how many ‘new me’s’ I’ll ever create! Reinvention is quite a relevant word for me these days and it’s not so ‘easy’ for someone like me that lived through judgment/as judgment towards myself, anything and everyone. So, yep, I’m where I’m supposed to be to ‘face my music’ and stand up from it.

I’ll share back how it goes but so far, have had to stop my own train of thoughts according to some of the paintings I’ve done and their nature, and their purpose and instead, give myself the opportunity to rather decide ‘who I am’ in it and the expression within me while creating an image, rather than being defined by the shape of the image itself – not entirely easy at first but, getting there and I’ve discovered this is actually the me that I want to live and express, the one that steps out of ‘my own mold’ into something new… it becomes a bit more of an adventure to live this way as well.

Ms. Reformed gloominess signs out.

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


578. Shedding the Past and Creating the New

Or sharing some of the process involved in giving myself authority to create the new version of me that I can be proud of living in

Something that I’ve become aware of is a hindrance to creating the new within us is keeping ourselves captive to our own words, thoughts, emotions, feelings as memories of ‘who we have been’ and believing that we don’t have the authority to step out of that and create for ourselves a fresh start every day. As simple as it might sound, it seems that we create our own limitations based on ‘who we have been’ and ‘how we’ve always done things’ and ‘how we’ve always behaved’ and believe that there’s no way around this, that this is ‘it’ and we have to carry our burdens for a lifetime. That’s definitely not so.

 I’ve discovered through walking this process with Desteni that I have been able to reinvent myself and slowly but surely give myself the authority to actually become the person I many times envisioned I would ‘like to be’ but, somehow in my mind, had believed ‘I didn’t have it in me’ to become the kind of person I would mostly admire when it comes to women or be attracted to when it comes to males, because that’s the way that I was identifying all the aspects/words/potentials that I saw others living in their lives. Yet at the same time, I would think of myself as ‘not having what it takes’ to ‘pull that off’ so to speak… who decides? I was, in my mind existing in fears, ideas, limitations, thinking what will ‘others say about this/that,’ ‘that would be so out of character for me to do’ and all other kinds of ideas, beliefs and justifications adorning fears to actually give myself an opportunity to reinvent myself, to create myself anew.

This sounds like a ‘transcendental’ process in fact and it might be to a certain extent, but it isn’t really something that complex when one realizes the ability we have to ‘step out of the preprogrammed ways’ in every moment of our lives, it is as simple as that, we just sometimes or ‘usually’ fear ‘the unknown’ that comes with it instead of realizing that we can trust ourselves to become the new, test it out, live it out and see if it is in fact supportive and beneficial for oneself or not and go back to the drawing board to test out something different instead.

I was chatting with a friend yesterday and we were talking about our past as ‘the Grinch kind of people’ that would be ‘anti’ everything: anti-capitalists, anti-consumerism, anti-social, anti-government, anti-politics and the rest of it, which was interesting to see how much we could relate to seeing how many doors we closed in our lives because of standing in such position of ‘this is who I am, it is the right way, it is the just way/the right way and whatever I say will help you to wake up!’ which interestingly enough he also mentioned this could have assisted some to ‘open eyes’ to investigate reality – which surely, can be so to a certain extent – but I also shared how in my process, I had to ask myself ‘who am I’ within such stance/what’s my starting point in it within such criticism and ‘awakened’ type of mentality I was carrying as myself, and how I had found a lot of antagonism, criticism, rebelliousness, superiority, righteousness and in essence creating a ‘fight against the world’ that led me to become a misanthrope at times, which all comes from an arrogant superiority believing myself to be ‘corrected’ already, instead of seeing that I was still then being part of the problem, being only criticizing, judging but not really proposing any ways to change things, starting within myself.

“How did you manage to change?” he asked and I shared that it was part of this same process of self-support with Desteni, getting to understand my responsibility to it all to no longer stand ‘against’ everything and everyone, but to apply understanding, to rather find ways to better relate to each other, to find the common ground even in our plethora of disparities and opinions/judgments/beliefs and all of those things that have come to separate us even if they only exist in our minds.

That’s how I shared that even though I had focused a lot on possible changes at a political and economic level, the ball kept falling back again and again on the front of individual self-change, and how the nature of the system is nothing else but the nature of the relationships we have forged ‘against’ – currently – one another, and how with people taking responsibility for that self-change first, then the idea of a ‘new system’ becomes more plausible. He agreed with that, even though in his own path he’s also contributing within the economic realm at a local level, he considered again how relevant it is for us to yes, be informed, educate ourselves about the nature of the systems, the potential solutions and the rest of it – but not to forget about that inner/self-change, a change of mind, a change of consciousness so to speak which to him is more in the sense of ‘getting more in touch with yourself’ which surely is a growing trend I’d say, and it’s great in whichever ways people find it supportive.

There’s this song that starts saying ‘to change the world is to change personal perspective’ and it is so, I’ve been seeing for myself what it is to stop seeing the eyes through the ‘giving up on myself/humanity’ eyes where everything seemed gloomy, dismal, pointless, depressed, angry, antagonistic… because I was projecting my own experience onto everyone else and I wasn’t even aware of it. Whereas now through having walked my own experiences related to only seeing ‘the bad’ in the world, all the problems, all that’s ‘out of place’ according to me, the actual change emerged when I was able to give myself this openness, this opportunity to change me, to breakthrough, to create myself ‘anew’, to create and work on my potential and to stop holding myself as a victim to my own past, but instead embrace the potentials I can forge in my life.

This is also why self-forgiveness comes into play as a key tool to do this, because no one will give us this permission, no one else will give us ‘the green light’ we keep waiting for, but ourselves. We have to stand as that authority itself. I’ve been testing this out for myself and breaking my own ‘oaths’ that I thought I could not ever step back from in my absolutist mindset. Like saying ‘I will shave my head for the rest of my life’ and breaking that set of words that to me was something I had to stick to because ‘I said so and I cannot backup from that!’ and in that become an absolutist by my own will, instead of being self-honest about what would be most practical and ‘normal’ thing to do for me… that was a huge part of creating this new phase within me as well, of letting go of my own dictatorship and break my own rules so to speak, to decide to ‘create the next phase’ of self-creation and no one else was going to do it for me! I had to decide and do it for myself.

The same with saying ‘I won’t ever do this/that,’ well I’ve found myself doing it and testing who I am within it and then assess what is best for me or not, but no longer create an ‘unbreakable’ idea of myself that became so rigid, so authoritarian and absolutist that became my own invisible cage in which I thought I was comfortably living in. Might be a point of a comfort zone indeed, there’s a false sense of security when sticking to ‘the good old’ apparently, but I’ve found that this is a great lie we tell ourselves. With time this becomes a hindrance, a great limitation and a great source of bitterness and dissatisfaction because deep within ourselves we are aware we could live in an enjoyable manner, we could do things differently, we could Live differently altogether and be the way that we ‘dreamed’ ourselves of living as, and when we don’t dare to do it, we go day by day cementing all the reasons, justifications, fears and excuses of why we apparently ‘can’t do it’ – that’s the illusion to break through, to push through and give ourselves that creative authority to create the new.

So, to answer to my friend, I said that the most significant change emerged when I changed within myself and so started seeing people/humanity/the world and its potential. This was not such an ‘easy’ thing to do initially due to how ingrained all of my personalities, perspectives, ‘ways of being’ were all attached to me holding this defeatism as myself and so projecting it towards the world, to the point of having preferred everything to just ‘be gone’ in one moment than me giving myself a chance to see and work with the potentials, which is what I am focusing on now. Also, making it simple, not trying to engulf the whole world in my own hands and try and do ‘everything’ or try to ‘change the world out there’ – but take my own life, walk through my own limitations, expand myself and what I’ve been ‘doing’ and going breaking my own barriers that way, little by little, one step at a time as it is said.

The benefits of doing this for myself is the definition of actual freedom, which is interestingly enough related to push through wanting to ‘go through the easy way out’ or through ‘the route of less effort’ and instead, see the benefits that come with actually dedicating ourselves to get to know who we are, seeing our flaws, our problems, our ‘weaknesses’ and start deciding and working on how can we start changing all of those aspects that we dislike about ourselves that are holding us captive to a decadent past.

There are many ways to do this, I can only speak of and recommend the one that I’ve walked and continue applying in my day to day living, which is the Desteni I Process and the community of support that we are all as Desteni, supporting, sharing, learning from each other to expand and grow together as years go by, to walk this process that -even if being apart by long distances – know that we got each other to share what we go through, to assist each other in understanding the practical ways to walk through this, because let’s be honest: doing this process of change is not a ‘common thing’ in this world as of yet – it’s sort of getting there but not yet – so being part of a supportive community makes a complete difference to it, in essence,  you know you’re not alone in doing it no matter how ‘far’ we are from each other and that’s comforting as well, a sense of brotherhood is created and knowing that from the ‘few’ we might be right now, there are the many to awaken to this potential in all of us and join in, in whichever way or form they decide to do so. It’s happening, this is the new way of living, and we are the only ones that can decide to start doing so for ourselves.

Thanks for reading.

And! Watch this hangout that I had with Garb as well, it was very cool to share our perspectives on redefining and living words, all of it based on the great source of support that Eqafe.com is

Eqafe Hangout: How to Stop Overcomplicating Redefining & Living Words.

Also this series to learn how to support ourselves/each other, learning to see the potential in each other rather than bringing us down constantly

Perspective Vs Interpretation – Reptilians – Part 565

Perspective Versus Interpretation (Part 2) – Reptilians – Part 566

The As Is Glasses – Reptilians – Part 567

 Artwork022

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


575. Giving Myself the Green Light

Or daring to transcend self-imposed limitations (fears) and learning about myself in doing so

I’ve been reflecting on the various ways that I had abdicated my own authority and existed in a ‘waiting mode’ expecting something or someone to become an ‘authority’ in my life to give me the ‘green light’ so to speak to do certain things, to validate my capabilities and in essence expecting some form of ‘external proof’ of who I am/what I am capable of living and doing. I’ve seen this has been in part influenced due to at a very deep level not wanting to embrace the full responsibility that comes with taking the steps, the actions to be something/create something and ‘giving myself permission’ and paving the path to walk upon and in essence live out the outflows of that point of creation.

The same comes when deciding to live a word for example, where a slight expectation or fear comes when thinking and believing that ‘Oh well now I have to ‘live up to my words’ and apply myself in changing this/that in my life’ as if that was something to fear myself not being capable of doing, not being able to follow through with or fearing failing on it from the get go, which is a self-sabotage mechanism where I would instead rather ‘not go there at all’ as in not declaring for myself ‘I’m going to finally change this/that in my life’ because of already fearing not being able to ‘keep up with it’ from the get go… wow! That’s quite a fuck up, isn’t it? Giving up and believing one can’t actually do something that is assessed in self-honesty as the best way to live within ourselves, in our lives.  Or, believing that something/someone else should give us that ‘permission’ to do so, to give us that confirmation that we can in fact go ahead and change, expand, grow, test and try new things. Yep, been there and done that all the way and I’ve seen how more and more I appreciate the ability to be left ‘in the darkness’ in relation to many things where I had to then push myself to give myself direction and ‘give life’ to things, projects, outcomes in my life.

I looked at this notion of ‘waiting for the catalyst’ in my life as explained in this awesome Eqafe.com audio Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life – Life Review, which I can relate to. I’ve also had different people in my life that I defined as ‘authorities’ or ‘influences’ over me that in one way or another gave me that confidence and reassurance for me to ‘go ahead!’ and do something that I was eternally doubting myself capable of doing. Now, it’s not like I should ‘not’ need this ‘at all’, there’s always a time and place for everything in life and I consider we all need that ‘pat on the back’ to ‘go for it’ in many ways. Though there also comes a point in life where I realize I have to stop waiting for this ‘external catalyst’ to exist for me and instead give myself the authority to do it, to have the ability to discern who I am/where I am and how I am currently living in my life and what kind of things I can test out, place into application or what I am ‘ready to do’ based on how I see myself.  

So, I saw how self-doubt for example has been a constant in me that still emerges in any creative process and upon noticing it, all I can do is give myself that green light myself and test something out, take the risk, being ok with mistakes, learning from myself in those moments where I see that I’d like some kind of reassurance about something being ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ so, in a way learning to step out of my own judgment, morality and fears in order to reassure that self-authority – which is not a position of superiority or authoritarianism, but rather a full disclosure of self-responsibility and accountability that comes with what I decide to be, create and do something differently as part of my change, and in my case specifically not limiting myself through fears.

An example here is that upon my last blog, a part of me later on went into doubt if it was sounding ‘too egotistical’ in a way, or if I was placing myself on a pedestal or if others could read me as being arrogant etc.… which are all judgments that I’ve had towards myself as the result of me having placed way too much value on ‘how others see me’ and leading to self-compromise – all of it being fueled by fears and self-doubt. So, I decided to not go into self-doubt and instead stick to my words, if it causes a consequence and I have to face it, that’s awesome, I can learn from it. If I can get feedback from someone giving me another perspective I’ve missed in it that would be awesome too, I can then consider how it is being read by others and see what I can align within myself about it.

However, going through the road of ‘rather not saying it/doing it/challenging myself to declare it because I fear I cannot live up to my words’ is definitely no longer the way for me, because I’ve seen how much I have limited myself in my life, my time and compromising me based on this notion that I had to keep myself at a ‘very basic level’ to not stand up in my ‘full potential’ in a moment, which again is not an idea of ‘almightiness’ but simply giving that ‘best that I can’ in my day to day, and not settling for the least which is what I see I can apply this creative authority in my life: giving myself the ‘permission’ in a way, being the only one that can in fact do so in my life and be my own motivation, where I don’t keep waiting for something/someone to give a reassurance of who I am/what I do in order to move, create, test things out, change, expand and explore.

I consider it will be the other way around where once I have given myself that ‘green light’ and actually ‘put myself out there’ as it’s said, then I can get feedback and take it into consideration, but to not limit myself based on what I believe I should ‘be given by others’ in order for me to move. Who else ‘should’ do it but myself/ourselves!? And that’s an aspect that implies daring to take risks, being ok if I fuck something up, if I make mistakes, if I find I’m deviating from principles, if I see that I’m going back to ‘old ways’ that are not supportive = all of that is entirely on me and able to be assessed in self-honesty – and I would eventually know through how I create and live my life and the results thereof if it is effective/supportive or not.

All I have is then myself, my responsibility, the tools of developing personal insight and self-investigation through self-honesty and self-forgiveness in order to get myself back on track if I ‘lose my way’ as well – and any other additional support/reference from others which is I’d say greatly needed in this process as cross-reference and feedback to fine tune and align myself – however the rest is entirely up to me: being my starting point, my motivation, going for it in the full expression it implies, because I know I would greatly regret not doing so later on in my life.

So, ‘daring’ to step out of this self-conditioning and self-compromise into a personal stance of ‘this is me, this is who I am, this is what I do’ and fully own it. That’s a supportive way to live self-authority and creative authority, where I can practically walk through the fear of making mistakes or fear of not being ‘accurate’ in something and instead, learn from it, grow within it and nurture myself from such experiences, instead of getting to a point in my life where I regret ‘not having given myself the authority to do so.’ No matter where one is in one’s life, it’s never too late to consider ‘going for it’ and expanding our horizons this way.

Thanks for reading.

Suggested audios for more support:

Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life – Life Review

Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life – Life Review – Part 2

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


567. I Matter: 1,2,3 Change!

Or how to short-cut ‘the process of change’ by seeing straight into the words ‘I Matter’

It’s been quite interesting to open up this point of ‘I matter’ in the past days and generally getting a sense of what the words together mean for different people, which can be read in a group chat we had yesterday here: I MATTER – what does that practically mean? – 31 May 2017 – I had an idea about it until today that I listened to a broader explanation of it in this and opened up a different aspect of what these words mean in fact.

I’m not a native English speaker and I’ve basically used English to also integrate new meanings, words and points of change in my life which has been quite supportive considering that it was almost like a ‘new platform’ for me to start creating on. The word ‘matter’ and its immediate association within me is in relation to the ‘prime matter’ or that which we are all made of, life itself, what we ‘consist of’ and also a bit of a connotation in relation to ‘problems,’ but I had not personally looked at the meaning of saying ‘I matter’ as in – for a lack of a better meaning –‘I am important, I am relevant’ type of association, which now I see in the past I could have had some reactions to as well considering that in my younger years, I truly saw ‘no point’ to my life or existence and was in a way ready to give up on myself/everything, which I am glad I never actually acted up on, but I can definitely know how it feels to believe that there’s no relevance, importance or ‘meaning’ ultimately to one’s life.

So, currently my experience and relationship to these words ‘I matter’ is much more of a physical relationship of being able to see within me ‘who am I as matter’ as this body/mind/being that I am existing as in any given moment and within that, prompt myself to see if that’s what I want to be expressing and living as ‘matter’ as the matter that I am – meaning as the body, the thoughts, the actions, the intent, the words that I am living – in any given moment and from there, see if I can make a decision to change, to imprint a new direction, initiate movement, create a point of expansion.

Another way to associate the words ‘I matter’ to me is to see myself in a moment, and if what I exist at the moment is a ‘problem’ or is an experience that I’d like to change, then I associate the words ‘I matter’ to both realizing myself as the problem AND the solution existing within me at the same time – how? By directing myself in practical actions in the moment to change my experience.

A basic example here: if I see myself drowning in a point of inaction or laziness towards doing something, that’s where I can ask myself ‘what am I existing as and imprinting on, living/expressing as ‘the matter that I am’ in this moment? And if this is existing as procrastination, then what do I know? I can decide in the moment to change into actually getting to do what I was ‘tempted’ for a moment to leave for later. That’s a very simplistic way of looking at this whole point of self-change, it can happen in the moment and it doesn’t require a ‘lag’ to eventually ‘be ready’ for something – it can be done in the moment by deciding to just do it, willing myself to it and give myself the direction for it. I matter = 1,2,3 change!

See this is what I found most supportive from the following interview I listened to today here Practically Defining “I Matter” (Part 2) – Atlanteans – Part 472 of which I will of course share as well all the precedent ones that explain step by step this fascinating point of transforming the notion of having a ‘purpose’ in life into this starting point of ‘I Matter’, and I noticed how upon looking at the words ‘purpose’ yes, my mind goes into this grandiose idea of it, something to be done ‘in the future’ and to build up on day by day yes but still somewhat unreachable, not entirely ‘here’ as something that I should apparently ‘attain’ much later on in life, which leaves one in a way ‘waiting for’ or ‘wondering’ about what such purpose is supposed to mean, which translates into inaction and lack of direction.

One can also decide to live purpose on a daily basis in the same way that one can take the words ‘I Matter’ and make the changes of habits, patterns, make the necessary decisions and alterations to our day to day and make it more supportive for ourselves. We all know the points we’d like to change about ourselves, and if one doesn’t know, well! That’s an opportunity to start writing out what kind of changes would be great to implement in one’s life.

The awesome thing about this is that in saying ‘I matter’ to me it shortcuts a lot of the perceived ‘processing’ needed in order to change and instead, I can see straight to the point what I need to change, to let go of, to implement, to direct, to ‘dare’ to do, to push myself to move and create, to say things when I feel I should ‘keep quiet’, to transcend the fear to ‘make a move’ and instead do it and see what happens, what opens up, what I can learn about it and the list can go on.

All of these moments are here in our lives, every day and I can now decide to remind myself of ‘I matter’ in order to embrace the potential that is already here as myself/my life/my physical body/my mind/my decisions/my actions and the totality of what I can act upon and yes, invariably of course as a result of doing this affect and create an impact on the rest of the matter that is also here as myself, which is ultimately life, this world, people primarily and the relationships that I decide to create, nurture and grow with along with myself.

Check out the awesome series of recordings that will assist a lot in understanding more about this ‘I matter’ point if you’re the kind of person that like myself and many more have struggled a bit with considering ‘life’s meaning’ and ‘my purpose in life’ – time to simplify it and get our hands on the matter or on the matters at hand

 

I’ll continue sharing more of a personal point in coming blogs that opened up within looking at the difference between purpose and ‘I matter’ in practical sense.

Thanks for reading

 

Artwork009 Green


566. Back on (the) track

Or how to decide to live a word in the small moments of our day and actually live it

Today I made a decision to ‘get back on track’ and ‘on the track’ literally speaking after ‘taking some time off’ of my usual routine during the past weeks and I found it’s sometimes a bit difficult getting ‘back on track’ after not following ‘the usual routine’. There is such a thing as ‘inertia’ where we can be naturally waking up and doing our usual stuff without a hassle, which comes as a process of walking discipline, consistency and perseverance in my case – but then after breaking the regular schedule for some time, it does require me to ‘stir the wheel’ again in the desired direction and give myself ‘the order’ to do certain things again.

Well, it all started yesterday actually where I decided to take on a little project to do some artwork for something that I never thought I would see myself doing, artwork for a kid’s story and it was fun! I realized how ‘driven’ I can be when I have ‘something to do’ as a little project, which means that I can then approach other things to do in ‘projects’ so that I can approach them in a similar manner and so use my time effectively and efficiently.

I also noticed how much I can be ‘on a roll’ and kind of procrastinate doing basic stuff like going to pee for example, so this time I had to deliberately ‘make a pause’ and take some time off for that, which is where I have to bring in common sense and physicality to not get ‘too lost’ into the ‘driven’ inertia and forget about myself, which is an interesting pattern I’ve noticed more about myself.

I’ve also decided to give that time ‘off’ for myself which I’ve usually done on a daily basis through going for a walk, but also to give myself a ‘treat’ if possible or do something different – like taking the time to do this art project for a kids story – but also taking some time ‘off’ for an hour to ‘disconnect’ from what I am doing, this is usually in the form of going out and come back to what I was doing, and yes I noticed how I could have gone ‘on and on’ with this little project, but I also set a limit in terms of having to sleep, have dinner and so forth – even deciding to watch a movie while doing the drawings which was also an ‘out of character’ thing for me to do, but managed to do it.

I’ve mostly been somewhat ‘driven’ my whole life and as much as this can be seen as a very ‘cool’ attribute, when it becomes a form of immovable duty and coming with a strong sense of ‘I am what I do’ it becomes something that’s more ‘for something/someone’ rather than for myself, which is something I’ll continue exploring as well. At the same time, I’ve also found that I can create a balance in how I use my time and learning to ‘take time off’ and genuinely ‘disconnect’ from certain things in our day to day routine and before I would be quite reluctant to do this and I frankly still can’t watch something and not do ‘something’ at the same time, but I’ll get there – unless I go to the movies where I have nothing else to do but sit and watch lol.

I share this because I consider many people might have the same personality/character trait, this ‘duty calls’ type of personality that at times overrides this ‘me-time’ consideration and I’m quite grateful for the past weeks that have allowed me to place things into perspective in many aspects of my current life which I’ll be sharing here as I go opening them up.

But! Back to today. So I woke up at the usual early time and I noticed that this ‘inertia’ of maybe just going back to sleep was starting to emerge in me, so I reminded myself of my own suggestion of the ‘breath-wake-up’ which is inhaling to get up from bed and exhaling while getting out of it, all in one breath and bam, one is awake. But I noticed that I required to give myself a direction this time, not a ‘reason’ or ‘purpose’ though, but rather more like what I could live in that insta-moment of waking up, and what came up in me as this ‘word to live’ was ‘Will’ and I said to myself ‘I will myself to wake up’ and actually do it, the ‘I Matter’ recording that was released recently can give an awesome perspective on this, which simplifies and clarifies a lot of what we can do to make each ‘little moment’ count in our lives and to me this was ‘the moment’ that also set the tonality for the rest of the day.

Such a simple moment of self-direction made a difference to this creeping ‘comfy’ idea of ‘possibly maybe just starting to jog again tomorrow’ and diving into the comfort zone of ‘doing it tomorrow instead’, but! through simply saying these words and actually doing what I just said I would do which is to ‘will myself’ and do what I had planned to do since yesterday, I was able to start the day as usual and get back on track with my routine which I also enjoy.

Going for a jog after some 2 weeks of not actively doing so is definitely at times a bit awkward, but with time and consistency over these past 2 years, my body gets adjusted more rapidly to it and I’ve noticed how I definitely enjoy having this ‘me-time’ point in the mornings of doing something not only for my ‘mental enjoyment’ but physical support and enjoyment. I came back and did some freestyle moves with some music which felt really nice in the whole body, like every cell taking a nice breath and yep, that was cool.

I got to finish the project that I was working on and was satisfied with the outcome of it, which again is not something I would have ‘personally chosen to do’ before as in ‘the usual marlen’ persona that would not see herself as ‘suitable for kids’ but! I challenged that with the help of my friends that gave me the opportunity and encouragement to do it, which I am quite happy about now because it’s another way for me to continue practicing my art skills and expand into new territories J

I’ll be sharing more as I go in redefining some words and learning to live them as myself, my relationship to the notion of ‘being an example’ and how I had twisted that phrase a bit in my life and other interesting words that I would not have been able to see for myself without taking this ‘time off,’ which I would also recommend doing especially for those that ‘like me’ have a particular strong sense of ‘duty’ or ‘workaholism’ that in essence it’s not so much of a ‘noble feat’ but also a way for us to hide behind a comfort zone of ‘responsibilities’ and ‘work’ and the rest of it, so! I challenge thou if you can relate to that particular pattern, because I know how it may seem like ‘I am missing out on my duty omg!’ but, from time to time it is refreshing and assists oneself in having a second look at one’s life and come ‘back’ revitalized and with a clearer head to move forward.

An awesome Eqafe recording I suggest checking out to get some clarity on this subject of ‘taking some time off’ is the following one Wanting to Get Away From it All – Quantum Systemization – Part 155, which I recommend for those that are ‘similar’ to what I’ve described in this blog.

Thanks for reading

 

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Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


562.Stepping out of Character

Or how to practically challenge the ‘I will never….’ statements

I’m currently doing things that I would not have done before, that I had said ‘I’m never going to do’ or that I was resisting to get to do not that long ago, yet upon also analyzing to what extent these beliefs were limiting me in many ways, I realized how I was sticking to certain views and ideas about myself and what I am willing to do or not as part of a religion of self, where I believed that ‘I have to stick to my words’ or ‘I have to follow through my decision’ even if these words or decisions are proven to be ineffective, rather limiting or leading myself to a form of restriction or ‘sacrifice’ within a moral view of what I believed is right or wrong to do.

An example is getting a car and learning to drive. I had been wanting to avoid doing this for such a long time and dragging this around as something I would ‘someday, maybe, eventually do’ but ultimately had not placed a time and date for it, believing that somehow I could just prolong it and leave it hanging there for indefinite time. However, I am glad that certain situations in my reality have also led me to push to get this done and saw for myself how it was rather ‘easy’ it was to give direction to these two points in terms of finding a suitable used car and scheduling the driving lessons. I had the first one today and yes of course it’s completely doing something that I had for sure feared and so resisted to do for such a long time that whatever I face as fear is only also an accumulation of all the reasons, excuses and justifications I would tell myself in order to not move and direct this point in my life, which I am definitely now aware is something that I can get to enjoy and benefit from.

Here then for example, some of the reasons, excuses and justifications I used to not learn to drive is not wanting to pollute more the world with one more car, opting to walk around for the most part, take uber rides or public transportation which I have defined also as ‘grounding moments’ which sure I can still do whenever it’s practical do so, but it’s of course cool to have an option that is a more independent form of transportation. I also got to take pride on walking long distances, to the point where I could walk to places without even taking public transportation, which is still something enjoyable for sure and great exercise, though sometimes road to get somewhere is not always walkable, weather conditions are not always suitable and this also becomes a determining factor to go out to places that are mostly nearby, which has actually been then a limitation for me to not go to places where public transportation doesn’t get to or private rides would be too expensive. So, with having a car I can then circumvent these limitations and get around easier.

In terms of seeking a car, it was also quite a time consuming situation, something that I had to not give up on and be patient about as well, it’s not so ‘easy’ to buy a used car and be satisfied in most aspects about it, so I am glad I found the one I ended up buying right when I said ‘ok I’m done, this is the last number I’m calling to’ – and a part of me also wants to diminish all of this as petty situations, nothing too ‘transformative’ or these are things that people do on a daily basis, but here I also have to consider my context and my particular beliefs that I had to essentially breakthrough – or step out of character – in order to do all of this, so I have to not go into a projection about how this might be read, because here I share the direction that’s needed to do things that I had postponed for a long time until realizing the benefit that it creates.

Another thing I decided to do is get into a short running race for amateurs on Sunday, it’s essentially a 3 km jog that I regularly do, and I managed to get a second place in it lol, it was funny because to me it ended up being a lot more considering I jogged all the way back and forth to the start of the race, so I also discovered that I can in fact jog more than what I usually do and my body didn’t get strained at all, which means that whenever I feel like I can barely complete one loop around the track it means I am most likely listening to my mind and not really being here with and as my body. Of course this wasn’t among ‘professional’ so I’m not bragging about the position here, but rather seeing how this was easy for me to do because of having been consistently jogging.

This is again something I would not have at all considered I would do in my life based on how much I would suffer to give a jog around a smaller track when being in junior high school and saying words like ‘I’m never going to run again in my life.’ For this race, I had to make a decision to participate in it, get myself inscribed which is by all means something I would not have dreamed of doing over 2 years ago when I would probably run 100 meters and start panting… it may seem easy to say to be part of a race, but again taking my context into consideration, I would always only fume about how I ‘sucked at running’ and ‘loathed physical exercise’ many years ago. However with consistency I’m about to do some 2 years of being regularly jogging without having any problems in my body with it, being very gentle as well and not over doing it, as well as continuing walking on a regular basis which I’ve done for some 10 years or so, which has also been very assisting to me, my grounding ‘get away from computer’ moment as well, a ‘me time’ walk towards downtown and yes for sure also doing it for the exercise it is. Here I also place a disclosure that many people consider jogging is not good for the body, and so it might not but that’s where I’m at right now with it and enjoying a lot the fact that I can do something I would not have dreamed of being able to do before – of course starting with small steps, practicing, just like with everything, which I now remind myself of now that I got quite into the ‘new zone’ of learning to drive, and reminding myself to be patient about these new things to learn, expansion it is!

I’ve also been painting something that I sincerely would not have done 10 years ago when I started my career, and it is funny how I am remembering more about the classes  I decided to skip many times because of how I deemed my teacher was ‘too conservative’ and that I was ‘never going to paint the stuff he wanted us to paint’ and even had verbal arguments with him where I got into one of those arrogant positions of me being all about abstract art and ‘could not care less for painting a self-portrait.’ And I just realized I kind of just painted that lol! And I am actually blushing right now in embarrassment while remembering that moment with that teacher where I almost let everybody know how much I disliked his ways and creating a belief that I also was not precisely appreciated by him, which I actually later on had to debunk for the assumption it was on my side, and also up till this day, I do regret not having gotten some basics from him, because they are in fact the kind of apprenticeship that you don’t get anywhere else, so I share this as a cautionary tale to ‘never say never’ and realize that any skills are always welcomed to be learned, because we never know when we might need them.

But in my case that’s done and now all I can do is learn those skills myself. Here simply sharing as part of those things that I said I would ‘never do’ and have kind of just ended up doing it anyways because I am also exploring different things to do and challenging what comes ‘natural’ to me and doing things I would usually definitely not do when it comes to painting.

I’ve discovered how painting or doing art is where most of my self doubt can emerge because there is not set ‘right or wrong’ ‘finished or unfinished’ type of task that I am good at – when it comes to self-creation it is a process in itself and that’s also how I’m realizing that it goes beyond the ‘final product’ as well, it also has to do with how one goes shaping one’s expression every brush of the way so to speak. And yes I also have to eat my words as well when I said I wasn’t going to paint again and do art again… well, here I am, one more to the list of things that I’ve gotten to ‘get back to’ or start learning to do or continue integrating in my life, which I am definitely enjoying because it is one of those things I do for myself and discovering new starting points for it becomes a nurturing hand in hand process with the Desteni Process as well.

Same with travelling to a particular country that I said ‘I won’t ever step foot into it again!’ and ranting about it… well, yep I can never know what opportunities may open up in relation to that country as well so, I can only eat humble pie and take my words back, self-forgive my absolutism/self-fascism that I now realize I have kept as a form of limitation which I am now very much willing to and ready to expand from.

With these few examples and others in my day to day, I am seeing more clearly how ‘tight-viewed’ I have kept myself in relation to many things in my life just because of believing that I am comfortable the way I am, but in reality it might not be so and the only way to get to know where one is actually limiting oneself or in fact doing something out sheer preference, is by testing things out and realizing that nothing is lost by testing something out, giving it a go, doing something ‘out of the normal’ which I am definitely eager to continue doing in various ways as well. It definitely seems like I am shedding an old skin so to speak and opening my horizons to something beyond what has become very normal and regular to me.

The overall point as a reminder for myself is: never say never, because we won’t ever in fact know what is ‘around the corner’ in our lives and creating these statements like ‘I’ll never drive a car’ ‘I dislike jogging’ or ‘I hate painting self-portraits’ or ‘I am never going to buy a car’ or ‘I won’t ever grow my hair back again’ are statements I made at a certain point in my life, but I’m learning to not keep myself captive within my own sentences and instead challenging myself, because to me many times it felt as if I was ‘betraying myself’ by doing all of these things, but all I’ve seen is the betrayal of opinions, beliefs, morals – ultimately a religion of self where I was not really considering all the potential situations or outcomes in life that I have to in fact be flexible about, so this is also another practical way to live the word flexibility.

All of this is of course part of walking this Desteni process where these decisions to do something and actually ‘move’ in our reality  – even more so when they are ‘out of the comfort zone’ situations – are quite supportive to transcend our fears, our limitations, our beliefs, our morals, our ‘religion of self’ and continue challenging myself this way, which is then again going hand in hand with my previous blog on ‘provocation’ and provoking myself to ‘loosen up’ some of the tight and rigid fixed ‘norms’ I had set for myself throughout my life in the past – or up to fairly recently – because hey, every day can be an opportunity to challenge these limitations.

Ok, let’s continue walking.

Thanks for reading.

 

Leave Behind

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


560. From Missing to Current Creation

Continuing from:

Practically looking at the word miss and upon reflecting on various things I see I have been ‘missing,’ a lot of them have to do with how I developed certain expressions within myself in relation to other people, or how I got to do things that definitely opened me up to many more aspects or facets of living, where once that these relationships ended up or ‘dried out’ in a way I remained in a state of disempowerment in relation to me not being able to continue developing what I got to do with others in terms of for example, creativity and genuine enjoyment I had when ‘collaborating’ creatively with others and also when it comes to a friendship with a female that I simply ‘let go of’ completely upon no longer living in the same place, and a phrase that has come up recently in me is how we have to nurture relationships, otherwise they ‘dry out’ which is what happened several times where I could have redefined these relationships and continued to enjoy myself within them, but I see how it was me that decided to ‘cut ties’ or believe they no longer ‘have time for me’ and in a way lose contact which I would genuinely appreciate even if it was ‘long distance’ many times.

 

How I got to realize this wasn’t an easy ‘looking at the word’ in one go. What I did was first seeing directly at all the points that did emerge within me in one way or another  – subtly or strongly – that I have been missing in my reality. These were both people or parts of myself that I got to experience and develop while being in certain relationships.

 

I saw how as much as I was not at a ‘great place’ when it comes to my emotions and decisions in life, the person that I was 10 years ago was also living more in a self-discovery, adventurous manner that I completely cut off/let go of when starting this process believing that I had to completely become ‘devoid’ of any sort of distraction at the time – which I associated with my personal interests and enjoyment at the time, which surely was a possible necessary phase as well considering how I was about to go down a downward spiral of mysticism right before I got to find Desteni and start this process, which was – in retrospect – a necessary pause in my life as well to really get to see who I am within it all and the subsequent 9 years up to now that it has taken myself to get to a stable position within me in who I am and developing sufficient self-support for what I see is yet to be created by me in my life.

 

Therefore  I also had to practically see what of ‘the me that I miss from over 10 years ago’ is livable and supportive to my current context, and of all things what I saw more prominently were the relationships to arts and music as forms of genuine enjoyment that I was able to share with others as well. I realized that I miss seeing reality with the eyes that I would see it before which was more of a genuine curiosity and appreciation that I then completely blacked out by defining all pictures as mind-interpretations therefore meaningless, therefore pointless – but I’ve come to realize it’s not even about ‘the pictures’ as much as it is about who we are in the process of taking pictures and what we can reflect on them, so going from pure aesthetics to a more internal process that I might have not seen entirely ‘within me’ before when I first started taking pictures over 10 years ago in a rather compulsive manner lol.

 

So that explorative, creative, adventurous me is the one that I have been ‘missing’ which in fact has become a sort of rigidity, at times ‘bitterness’ for cutting out this expression in me and believing that I had to be ‘ok without it’ – but it all has to do with how I judged such experiences as something ‘pointless’ or ‘superficial’ to do, and within this ignoring or deliberately suppressing the sense of enjoyment that I had with it which I am now looking forward to re-create and find the ways to do so in my current living situation, which might or might not be related to taking pictures per se, but I won’t know unless I actually test it out myself.

 

The same goes with things I used to do with certain friends where surely, a person’s expression is unique and the point here is not to try and find another ‘person’ that is exactly the same as the friendships or relationships I am ‘missing’ – nor does it mean that I have to re-establish a relationship with the same person because it is so that people change, have different lives, interests change etc. The point I’m looking at here is related to developing and nurturing relationships, which is something I can definitely see I have not done – have sucked at it actually – yet I also am aware that when I establish a relationship with another – being it of friendship or partnership – I am quite committed and loyal to it.

 

So it’s a matter of deciding to create more ‘meaningful’ as in deep and intimate relationships, nurture and develop them. And this is something I can certainly learn to see with a different pair of eyes than in the past as well, where relationships were more like a ‘personal hideout’ than a personal development of intimacy within myself and others, of supportive enjoyment and co-creation which are words that I have missed about myself as well in relation to others.

 

Also while looking at this word ‘missing’ I realized that it also doesn’t necessarily mean something that ‘was part of my life and is gone now’ but also considering things that I simply haven’t yet done and lived in my life and at the moment I have a notion of what it can be and it involves the word ‘depth’ in it as in really getting to know me, see me and continue to develop this self-appreciation that I sought to ‘receive’ from others so many times before in my life. And this is what I see I have been missing all along and only have been recently realizing this which is great so that I don’t end up ‘waiting for me to happen’ in a way, but I can lead myself to make things happen, to create the outcomes that I see are potentials yet I have not actively worked on developing them.

 

Therefore, I’m currently aligning and setting up what I call platforms, changes, requirements, tools and skills that I can use to move to the self-creation step in a more ‘system’ related context, which is actually what I have also been missing in my life as in not having a clear experience of yet and that I am frankly eager to create and establish for myself.

 

So, here it’s quite clear to see how from a point of ‘missing’ and emotionally reacting to it at first in a sense of denial that led to a ‘having to admit to myself’ of actually missing, to then the process/time I walked to separate ‘the wheat from the chaff’ as they say in terms of establishing what I was missing more from an emotional attachment, a sort of ‘nostalgia’ or selective memory starting point when it comes to seeing what I ‘miss the most’ – as all that which I have perceived as having been only a’ good time’ in my life, which I have proven to myself is a very limited way to look at ‘memories’ and ‘the past’ in general – so that I could also not focus on ‘the people’ I missed, but more like the parts of myself that I have missed, that I have truncated in my life and those that I have not yet developed or created yet and that I got to taste a bit of in certain past times or seeing what aspects of myself I can now create in my life with a new starting point as well – this also includes aspects of other people in my past that I can integrate in my own life as well.

 

This  enables me to see how to redefine the word ‘missing’ from a perception of lack or desire to ‘go back to having that which I no longer have’ to focusing on what is here as myself that I can create, take on or approach again but from the current starting point in my life and process of self-creation. And this is where the empowerment comes back to self, where there is no longer a sense of lack, helplessness, irresoluteness and keeping myself in a ‘waiting mode’ or being in plain denial about ‘missing anything at all,’ but, I can see how if I decide to do things = I make them happen, so I can approach this aspect of ‘missing’ the same way: stopping the longing, the belief of something being ‘forever gone’ within me and challenge such beliefs by bringing it back here and see who am I with it and how I can expand within it from my current position and starting point in life.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

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532. Expressing Self-Trust and Confidence

 

§  Continuing from: 531. Redefining Self-Confidence

 

Here I’ll apply self-forgiveness on all the points I wrote out in the previous blogs, in order to tackle my self-created limitations and for once and for all rather see the benefit of owning my creation as my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience hesitation, self-doubt and lack of confidence whenever I am having to make decisions on my own and have no one to reference my decisions with, wherein I have gotten used to always being able to have the approval or disapproval of others to then decide to make a particular decision in my life alone – instead of realizing that regardless of what others might say, I am the one that will ultimately live with the outcome of such decision and as such, it is ultimately a point where I have to learn to trust myself, which in this case means learning from making my own decisions, moves and choices and accordingly walk through them, not fearing making mistakes or going ‘the wrong’ way because that’s how I’ve found that I get to then define and fine tune my decisions, my next steps and next choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate what is really behind the hesitation, self doubt or uncertainty before which is in fact a fear of making mistakes, a fear of not really achieving my utmost potential – however I forget that such outcome as ‘best potential’ can only exist through practice, through making many choices, possibly many mistakes and walking many paths to then get to find ‘my expression’ wherein, in fear, I actually don’t get to truly develop myself because of existing mostly in ‘fear’ and as such in a constant limitation that leads me to be in a stifling position, ‘giving up’ in doing something out of giving too much weight on an outcome or the opinions on them, instead of realizing that I am the only one that is able to give weight – or a negative value – to mistakes, to attempts, to apparent ‘failed choices’ – and instead learn from it, stand up and do it all over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others’ opinions and perspectives on my expression in order to keep going or completely use them as a deterrent to stop my expression in certain ways, instead of realizing that a point of expression is to represent who I am in that particular moment with what I want to create, what I want to communicate to others ultimately and as such, there is no ‘right or wrong’ or ‘good or bad’ in it, but only a process of referencing myself, seeing how satisfied or not I am with it, taking myself into consideration and not looking for others’ opinions to decide to continue or not.

I realize that I have been my own worst critic as well so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be my own worst critic wherein I have defined what I do as not ‘good enough’ when I compare it to what others do/express and so, have allowed myself to use this judgment as a reason to completely give up on something and get into an experience of ‘what’s the use’ – when a point of expression is precisely about practicing, doing it as much as one can until one can create or build a point of self-trust and confidence in it, which I can attest is definitely a process in other aspects of my life, but interestingly enough when it comes to creative expression, it’s like hitting a wall and this is mostly based on others’ feedback that I’ve taken ‘to the heart’, instead of staying true to myself, referencing it with myself first and foremost.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in self-doubt when it comes to assessing ‘what to do next’ or ‘what could I change or improve’ wherein the actual fear behind it is ‘fucking it up’ – wrecking it, messing it and so apparently ‘lose out’ an opportunity to have created something that I could be ‘proud of’ – but in reality there is nothing that we can create in ‘one go’ and have it come out ‘perfectly’ at once, and I realize that this ‘perfectionism’ or the idea that I have about what I can be satisfied with can be a huge show-stopper to me if I dare to start over-analyzing everything and then concluding that it is not what I expected, or it wasn’t as I intended – instead of realizing that this is a process of self-creation and self-expression, it takes practice, will take time, will take several tries maybe, but the point is to persevere and not give up ‘trying’ or getting frustrated for not getting a desired outcome.

I realize the practicality of practice and perseverance in this, wherein over time and continuous practice I am aware we can get to be more confident in doing anything – and the same therefore can be created in any point of artistic expression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give judgments, opinions, positive and negative values to words in relation to any point of artistic expression to the point of using them to validate or disqualify what I do as ‘good enough,’ where deep down I know I can trust myself in what I see, but have ultimately usually veered to get others’ reference and perspectives, which over the years I’ve used as a reason to not keep going, but, this is entirely my own decision, my own process in reality that I cannot blame on anyone’s opinion, because it’s only me that has given it sufficient value/worth to make an opinion more important than what I decide to express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define confidence based on ‘doing something that is unique’ and so ‘special’ and so, whenever I started finding ‘similar work’ to mine, I sank into a pointlessness because of thinking that ‘everyone else is also doing it, so what’s the point?  When in fact, this is when comparison kicks in and so I stop seeing ‘the point’ when in fact, the point is myself, it’s about my expression regardless of what others do or not do or how similar it is.

Ultimately if I would measure anything I do based on how others do it, I’d be in a constant state of ‘giving up’ because ‘everyone else would be doing a lot of the same things I do anyways’ lol – when in fact this is about my expression, my development, my process, even regardless of the ‘final outcome’ but more so focusing on what I go learning about myself in the process as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for example diminish my photographs as something that ‘anyone else could have taken’ or something that ‘everyone nowadays can do with cellphones’ which I used as an excuse to give up on taking photographs based on ‘others already doing it,’ instead of rather realizing each one of those photographs were moments where I was truly focused in my reality and making a decision to capture something, it actually assisted me a lot to pay close attention to my surroundings in a constant manner, which I still enjoy doing yet don’t take photographs any longer because of thinking ‘what’s the point, there’s thousands of pictures with the same thing, nothing new’ where I then doubt myself even with the potential of taking a photograph because ‘others probably already took one similar’ – which again, if I expanded this kind of assessment to anything else, I would be constantly stopping myself from doing anything based on what ‘others have done already.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to doubt myself, become hesitant and ultimately feel ‘incompetent’ in relation to points of self-expression in arts because of going into comparison, believing that there’s nothing ‘special’ in my stuff so why should I bother? But I realize and have seen from others’ examples how people that stick to developing themselves and persist on practicing, eventually get to be quite confident in their creations – and that’s the potential that exists when we don’t stop to compare ourselves to others, but stay true to oneself, to the purpose of the point of creation which is ultimately of self-creation, where the result is only that, an outflow or a consequence of a deeper process that takes place while creating something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be focused on ‘a result’ within my expression, instead of considering the ‘who I am’ throughout the whole process, which ultimately is what is part of my self-creation that I’d like to develop and focus on, every moment’s decision and trusting myself within them, considering it all as a process to learn about myself, to learn about giving ‘shape’ to something and also to take responsibility for my creation where I am the one that is entirely behind it, and not any one else’s opinion or perspective on it – this way, whatever anyone else can say about it is an extra opinion, and not a defining factor that determines anything for me – but can only take it as a point of feedback for sure.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to discourage myself from continuing any point of self-expression based on my own opinions, judgments and expectations standing as self-criticism, that led me to then rather ‘not bother’ at all with it, in spite of how I see that when walking through my own veils of perception, I can actually enjoy doing it and I enjoy seeing ‘me’ in every step of the way and reflect it all back to what I am, where I am and who I am behind that one point of self-creation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have defined confidence in the past based on reassuring or supportive comments made by others whose opinion I deem as important and in some cases having certain authority or superiority over myself, to then decide to continue or not doing something, wherein I then placed my expression, my perseverance in the hands of an opinion, a judgment and a perception – instead of having allowed myself to trust me in continuing to work on it, and stop my own backchat in relation to it, while focusing on the physical process of creation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to covertly blame someone else as the reason why I decided to not play music anymore, wherein I am the one that took another’s words and attitude personally and made it a reason, excuse and justification why I didn’t have to bother anymore with practicing playing music, and instead only focus on doing visual arts – eventually extending my own judgments to anything related to visual arts wherein I then stopped doing any of it at all because of believing how pointless it all is – therefore, there is no one to ‘blame’ for this. This is essentially something I did to myself and so I can only now stand up from it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take an opinion, a judgment, a perception as ‘truth’ – when in fact the truth is who I am in every moment of creating something, the decision I make and their outcome – which means when I decide to stand all the way in every step of the way, that’s where I see I build self-trust and confidence in relation to ‘the outcomes’ because then I am certain that this is something I created for myself, by myself, without any pretense other than expressing who I am, which is where I want to develop my strength as well, instead of taking ‘what I believe others will say’ into consideration, which is not really about ‘others’ then, but about myself not limiting me by all of that. .

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive that ‘I didn’t enjoy making art any longer’ when in fact, it was the series of judgments, perceptions, opinions that I allowed to take precedence over the creation process of me-expressing-myself, and so that’s where it became tiresome, unbearable, causing more ‘stress’ than enjoyment – and it all was because of how much I gave value and worth to judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear’ not having any other point of reference for my creation, wherein, I believe that I cannot ‘continue’ doing something unless I get any form of feedback from others – and in such situations or contexts it makes sense, but when it comes to artistic expression, it is truly the one point where I am the one with the ultimate and only say, because it is a point of expression that cannot be judged as ‘good or bad’ and this is also why I also started resisting to do anything related to arts, because of how ‘ambiguous’ it would be through my judgmental eyes in terms of being unable to define it as good or not based on ‘others’ perspectives’ but ultimately, this is where I have to be the one that stands through in it all regardless, doing it as my expression, which cannot be ‘contained’ in a few judgments of value.

I commit myself to continue practicing building, consolidating and densifying my ‘confidence’ through artistic expression – and any other point of expression for that matter – where I can learn to trust my decisions, walk a point of self-creation all the way and ultimately ‘own’ my creation regardless of the outcome, learning from it  and trusting myself in my ability to learn and stand up from mistakes, not being afraid to making mistakes but rather reminding myself that’s the way to continue moving forward in any point of creation, to persevere, to be consistent and to not allow judgments, opinions or perceptions about it in my mind to deter me from continuing.

This is then how one gets to be comfortable in doing something, through practice and then ultimately that practice & repetition creates a solidity of it at a physical level, where there is a point of control and flow as well, which means being present, being directive yet not rigid about the outcomes, flowing with it yet being aware of the path all the way – and this is then what I can integrate as a physical expression of self-confidence.

Thanks for reading.

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


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