Category Archives: self-expression

542. Living Expression

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

I have identified the word ‘expressive’ with a set of personality traits where a person speaks in an assertive, directive manner and using mannerisms that look somewhat ‘effusive’ or ‘extroverted’ to me, like moving hands, doing various facial expressions, even being humorous as well. Now, all of these are aspects or traits when looking at them as something I merely react to in a positive manner, which leads me to create an assumption or judgment that the person is ‘expressive’ or ‘outgoing.’ However, this is only what I can perceive in a moment of a person’s expression – I realize that it does not represent what it actually means to be expressive. This initial approach I just described above would be a form of confinement to the potential that we all exist as in the word expressive. Now, what does that mean?

When investigating my feeling-based reaction that I’ve experienced towards people that present this kind of qualities – I have seen how I’ve actually at times gone into a bit of a ‘sinking’ next to them, when interacting with them or observing them, because of considering that no one can ‘top their expression,’ which unfolds in reacting within inferiority, which is an indication that I’ve separated myself from my own potential expression and therefore, judge someone else’s as ‘desirable.’

This is also why I’ve been debunking my own set of beliefs around these words I had felt ‘intimidated’ by or creating a form of ‘attraction’ towards and instead, directing myself to clear out their meaning for me and take those words back to self, which means realizing that we all have the ability to live these words in a self-supportive manner, and not only as some kind of ‘show’ for others or personality trait, but as a genuine expression of who we really are, which is also expression as a process in itself.

Part of what I’ve learned in this process within Desteni is to understand expression in self-honesty, wherein one actually goes ‘reverse engineering’ one’s preferences as likes and dislikes, our emotional and feeling reactions to virtually everything in our lives, and we can then spot what kind of energetic experience motivates us, essentially looking at what exists behind every thought, word and deed in our lives.

It has been a very grounding and supportive process for me to do this, to realize how much of what I deemed ‘my expression’ was motivated –in my case – as a ‘show for others,’ or a form of ‘mask’ that I could put on to be liked or accepted by others, seeking appreciation, approval, seeking relationships out of need or dissatisfaction with myself, wanting to appear as ‘more’ than what I was truly experiencing within myself in certain moments… and the list could go on.

So, upon going understanding and seeing clearly ‘what motivates me’ in my life and noticing all of these fears or desires as starting points, what was left was a decision within me to self-forgive all those fears, judgments, desires and instead, apply myself to now learn what it means to be the starting point of my expression, what it means to direct myself to do something for and as myself – in other words having no ‘fear’ or ‘judgment’ or ‘desire’ as a motivation to do something anymore – but instead genuinely in a moment decide to do something and live it, do it, ‘go for it’ in other words and create it, express it – of course in consideration of what’s best for all, in common sense and self-honesty, essentially making decisions that are supportive – not just ‘random’ stuff that could be consequential, lol.

This might sound too simplistic in words, but it can actually be a challenging process for most of us that have conditioned our very decision to move and do something in our lives for something or someone else but ourselves.

An example on changing this starting point is how I initially decided to start painting and get into arts to avoid being bored, to cope with being alone one summer at home and also desiring to someday be very famous and well known and travel the world and the rest of it. Of course this doesn’t mean that I now have to stop doing any art because I had a flawed starting point –which by the way, I actually did stop for a while because of thinking it wasn’t valid anymore in my life, lol – but in self-honesty one learns to then realize we can change that starting point or ‘reason’ for why we do things or ‘who we are’ within doing art in this case and so, learn to be my own starting point, learn to express myself as art, which means not doing it to ‘get’ an experience or ‘avoid myself’ or ‘expect’ me escalating my position in my society, but simply as an expression, a movement, a decision, a realization that I work on for myself.

Changing this starting point in whatever we do, make, say and think in order to make it an expression of ourselves is actually easier said than done of course, because we’ve mostly learned to do things ‘in separation of ourselves’ – therefore, such a point as being expressive or expressing ourselves may have a huge baggage behind it as a set of reasons to ‘do’ or not to do something – like for example having the starting point of wanting to compete against others to ‘win’ something, to ‘get a relationship’ out of a fear of experiencing loneliness as a ‘negative outcome’ and the list may go on.

These are just examples but the point here is to explain how we are the only ones that can truly be aware of when we are genuine and self-honest in our expression and when we are in fact not so. And this is what has been very supportive for me to understand considering that I had been the kind of person that would use any form of motivation ‘outside of myself’ to express and be in a particular manner to create a ‘show’ of myself for others – but saw little to no point on doing it ‘for myself,’ which as strange as it may sound, it is actually a far more common situation than we would like to accept.

A cool test for myself lately has been the situation of being by myself and not having anyone necessarily being the ‘receptor’ of my expression or ‘expressiveness.’ This has been very cool for me to see what of the things I used to do when having someone else around me most of the times I stopped doing or changed in the ways I would do it because there’s ‘no one else around me’ that could be the witness or receptor of such expression – whether it was something I do or how I express myself in those ‘little moments’ of interaction with others.

I initially saw that I was wallowing into a ‘pointlessness’ considering there was no one to interact with in relation to this expression – but I instead made a decision to apply this realization about self-expression: to be the source and reason of my expression. And so upon the various years of living alone in different phases in my life, I’ve learned to do things for myself, from the way that I care for my own body, how I dress, how I have my surroundings, the food I make for myself, the things I do for fun, the kind of work that I do, hobbies –I’ve learned to have ‘me’ as starting point for these points, of course every now and then having to re-mind myself of that considering how easy it is also to start placing something or someone as the ‘reason’ to do anything in this world in separation of ourselves.

Now, I understand some might say ‘oh isn’t that selfish, doing it only for you?’ but it is not, this is of course within the context of doing things that are supportive in nature and that I then through habits on a daily basis have turned into my own expression, which can be easily translated into ‘who I am, how I am, what I say, how I behave, what I write, how I present myself with people, how I look, how I speak’ within the starting point of being directive in it all and within the consideration of the principles of what’s best for all, being supportive in other words and without making it a point of ego.  

Now going deeper into this word ‘expression’, we express ourselves in every moment. Every moment of breath is self expression, it’s my body expressing itself – every thought, emotion, reaction, judgment, opinion is also a form of expression, an expression of my mind that I’ve learned to now assess and question every time to see how supportive this expression is for one’s life and that of others, which is the self-honest application upon one’s expression and so placing the opportunity back to ourselves to decide: Who do we want to be and How do we really want to contribute to this life and existence in every moment that I am existing?

Being alive is already in itself an expression, it is ourselves existing as a plethora of potentials to develop according to our context, capacity and abilities – but the point is then to expand this word ‘expressive’ not only to a set of characteristics that can be perceived or received by others in only a fraction of interactions in one’s day, but it is about acknowledging that we are in fact expressing ourselves every moment of our day, whether we are aware of it or not.

So, one of the points here I would like to remind myself about is that, even if ‘no one is seeing me’ – apparently – and no one is ‘benefiting’ from my expression as my ‘doings’ in my day to day living, I actually am aware that by the sheer fact of being living in this world where we are in fact all the same – as in one and equal as life – whatever I accept and allow, what I change and correct within my life in common sense, what I work to develop in my life, the words I decide to live, the expressions I decide to fine tune within me, the destructive or self-sabotaging habits I decide to stop and correct within me, the words I choose to use to communicate, the foods that I eat, how I care of my body, the way that I l decide to confront a ‘problem’ or conflict in my life, the way I relate to people around me, the way that I present myself with others, the words that I write, the things I support in the internet, the way that I approach my work, the ideas that I have to create something and who I am in the process of creating something are all ways and forms of self-expression: they are all parts of me and they all stand as an impression or ‘signature’ of who I am in all of it – therefore we are constantly expressing, therefore also communicating with every single one of these in our day to day, it’s how we participate as co-creators of this reality.

That’s the kind of holistic self-awareness to practice in my day to day really, where I continue to align myself as the starting point of what I do within the understanding of being best for myself and so being best for all – and also in being able to enjoy all of this that I do as part of my self-creation process, which is actually something we tend to forget to do many times when we are too busy living ‘for others’ or to ‘get something’ out there, forgetting who we are as life yet to live to its utmost potential, which to me is precisely linked to self-creation, to sculpt ourselves as our creation, to work on our potentials, to fine tune our expression and genuinely learn to live, and so be an example for many more that might be ready to consider doing this for themselves in their own lives.

How to live then the word ‘expressive’ in relation to interactions with others? It’s actually quite simple because once that one walks through this process of self-writing, getting to know ourselves and deciding to change the judgments, limited perceptions, beliefs, opinions that we might create about ourselves or others, what is left is a core expression of oneself as an individual which is the definition of being ‘expressive’ as in not having obstacles to share, to be open, to enjoy, to share the kind of enthusiasm that emerges within oneself when we start ‘piecing ourselves back together’ from the scattered-self as all of the mind-traits that we had defined ourselves by.

Therefore, being expressive is also a result of walking this process using the tools of self-support provided by Desteni and realizing that we actually have much more potential than we thought we had when being only ‘in our minds’ and not yet getting to live who we really are as life, as our physical body – and this is only the start for me, there’s lots to do, fine tune, continue expanding and growing on but so far, best thing I’ve been able to decide to commit to in my life.   

In this, I also learn to not ‘compare’ myself to others’ ways of expressing, but rather learn to appreciate others in their individuality, being aware that I can always enjoy it ‘with them’ while also sharing myself and learning from each other to become better human beings. Interestingly enough that’s very much what we also do as the Desteni community and that to me is definitely an example of what being expressive is about, it all being related to ‘sharing the life’ in one another and the ways in which one lives it, how one works through it, what kind of solutions and paths one creates to continue tapping into one’s potential and that to me is what life and living is all about.  

Thanks for reading.  

 

Enjoy this Desteni Radio episode: Desteni Radio # 22 – Drinking Water and Why Change is Difficult

 

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


536. Transparency (No Pretense!)

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

Here I look straight into the word ‘pretentious’ as it being something that I have a general negative association to – and it being the opposite of the word I’m looking at integrating here which is transparency, without pretense specifically – and it’s interesting to read the whole list of synonyms and antonyms of this word here http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/pretentious because it gives a general feel to what my interest or ‘attraction’ and also ‘repulsion’ towards someone’s expression is all about yet, it all relates to my own judgments towards my own expression.

The first thing that pops into my mind is myself expressing me in what I considered was an ‘over the top’ type of expression, mostly related to memories of how I have been –according to my judgment – conceited or pretentious, which is something I definitely want to fine tune into a point of humbleness, simplicity in expression, transparency – in a way of expressing: here I am, this is my expression, no need to pretend to be ‘more’ or anything less than what I am, which is coming through more in who I am and how I interact with others, but it wasn’t definitely an immediate process to get to be that.

Looking back in my expression a decade ago, I definitely had placed a lot of personalities before me in order to ‘cope’ with reality, sometimes being too shy and reserved – read fearful and judging how others would experience my ‘real’ expression – and some other times appearing too extravagant, conceited, snobbish and getting myself into a ‘high’ of sorts, stemming from the actual inferiority I would experience towards others which led me to create a somewhat defensive self with a tinge of grandeur in order to make myself noticed in fear of being unnoticed – and the rest of the polarities that stem from simply not being accepting oneself.

I can say that I could have come off as pretentious or petulant lol, which I must say was quite a hard-wired personality in me, mostly veering towards the ‘giving a punch with words’ and my expression rather than simply sharing myself in calm and stability, without seeking attention or a form of specialness.

The point is to notice how it has been a process for me to get to a relative point of transparency, openness, comfort when sharing myself with others – walking from the shy, fearful character that didn’t even want to record videos and upload them on the internet (yes, I had made a decision upon first encountering YouTube back in 2006 that I would never be on it, lol) to then deciding to start sharing myself in relation to this process with Desteni and finding ‘my expression’ in those videos, which at times I can see myself currently cringing at how I expressed myself back then and pondering if others considered it too brusque, ‘in your face’ and maybe a bit too snobbish or pretentious at times – which of course were also expressions I have generally disliked in others, which proves again that ‘what one dislikes, exists within oneself as well’ – however, if I had judged myself as all of this and had refrained myself from recording those videos, I would have prevented me from learning to be comfortable in front of a camera and speaking into a recording that will stay there as an archive for posterity, which sure, may sound intimidating at times, but I’ve also learned to not go and ‘delete’ the stuff, but leave it there as a process walked at a certain point in my life – it’s part of the process, as we say.

So, this point of transparency linked to a humbleness and an unconceited expression is something I want to practice more in my expression within specifically getting back to recording videos, because I had also prevented myself from doing so because of how I had judged the ‘YouTube persona’ that I have there as some kind of embarrassment that I could just bury for a while and not get back to my personal vlogs – however this is now out of the bag and I will look at recording myself again, because it is quite supportive to do so, it assisted a lot to see myself, to even get to know myself by seeing how I speak, how I move my face and the rest of tonalities that may come through it, it’s quite a great process of self-exploration as well.

I enjoy writing and apply transparency in the sense of being self-honest, being able to see the ‘nitty gritty’ of myself and have no problem with me sharing it, I’ve been in hangouts and it’s definitely enjoyable also to share oneself because of the interaction with others – but now I have to go back to the self-recording and see what comes up. And one of the words I want to integrate in my expression is that of being transparent, not having any hidden agenda of wanting to be perceived in a certain way, but simply sharing myself, without pretense, without fears, without having to ‘appear’ a certain way that I’ve defined as ‘acceptable for the world to see’ – lol. That’s the pretense right there to stop and correct within me.

This is an interesting thing to look at because it is mostly in the notion of ‘recording’ myself that this experience of having to put on a show comes up, because I have seen myself how I can enjoy and be expressive when sharing with other people real time and no fears like that emerge – but it is in the consideration of doing vlogs – as in material that will remain for posterity and multiple replays – that this emerges, which is in fact something I did to myself, considering how I have been the one that has re-played myself and gotten to judge my expression, therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have refrained from recording myself in vlogs again due to how I have judged my expression before and perceiving that I am mildly embarrassed by my previous expression, yet it is what it is, a part and phase of my process where I was discovering ‘who I want to be’ and how I want to express myself, which is also a fine tuning process that I cannot expect to come through ‘perfectly’ at first – also here realizing that I am the one that has to stop seeing myself through the eyes of judgment, of seeking ‘perfection’ in such videos, but instead embrace my expression in the moment, being transparent, having no ‘hidden agendas’ or pretense around it all, but giving myself that opportunity to see me this time through judgment-less eyes, and not doing it only to myself, but also towards others as well.

And the reason is mostly because of how I became a certain person/character on those videos that do not represent what I’m really like currently. I am still quite direct and frank but without that sulkiness or the tinge of cynicism that would come through at times, however I’ll only know until I actually record myself. And this is another thing to debunk here, how I expected myself to kind of ‘replay’ how I presented myself in the past, which is of course not something that is common sensical to do and I’ve been using this excuse as a reason to not do personal vlogs and have given my power away to these justifications and excuses, which doesn’t make sense at all, because if anything then I can show how change is possible and how we don’t have to be the same as yesterday, that change is healthy and it’s actually something that we should all do as well considering it is very much needed to fine tune ourselves to be best for ourselves and so best for all.

I said in my first vlog ever that ‘I felt like an open book’ and it was so in the sense that I was writing out the first pages within this process of self-discovery, self-change and self-honesty creation, and now it’s time to continue doing so not only in writing but get back on doing videos and any other methods I can plan on directing as well in my reality.

So, I’ll be soon recording myself also to share more about my personal process of self-change based on my participation within Desteni – officially for 9 years in my case – and all the bits of changes that I’ve been creating within myself, what I’ve learned, what I’m still working on, etc. And that is then a way to live transparency as well, where I don’t have to put on a show or create an entertaining display of knowledge as myself but instead do a simple practical self-sharing, which I already do in these words, in these blogs – now it’s simply taking it to the vlog level again and get back to being comfortable recording myself.

Bottom line is, if transparency is something I appreciate as an expression in others, why have I separated myself from such transparency and unconceitedness and making it something that I long to experience through a relationship with someone that I perceive as transparent? Why do we create these barriers in our lives of waiting for someone to ‘be that for us’ instead of us taking the lead and learn from them, integrate that expression as ourselves and walk the process that it takes to live a word for real within and for ourselves?

Also, this is not as simple and quick as in saying ‘I want to be transparent here and now’ and that’s it – living this word is also a process and starts with developing self-honesty which is a pillar of this process from consciousness to self-awareness as life. This is just an example in terms of transparency in expression when sharing oneself, going from the notion of having to ‘put on a show’ or ‘appear’ a certain way at the eyes of others, or becoming defensive instead of being vulnerable, open and genuine – aiming at simplicity, instead of trying to do something ‘larger than life’ and ending up elevating oneself too much, losing ground, missing the earthy-expression of saying things as they are, as we are, in a moment, without edits, that’s what’s enjoyable as well from human expression for sure. Therefore I stop expecting others ‘to be that towards me’ or ‘for me’, I have to be the one that lives the word and sets the example.

Transparency to be lived as a direct, frank expression yet self-honest which means, within self-responsibility, within humbleness – not as a ‘show off’ or another kind of pretense of ‘being transparent’ lol, but as a genuine expression without hidden agendas nor back doors, that’s the kind of expression that I am here placing on my table of words to practice in living and developing for myself within communication specifically, considering I have already developed a point of self-transparency as self-intimacy= seeing within myself, getting to know me as I am, pushing through fears of seeing my truth and reality, being willing to see and open up whatever is needed to continue ‘processing’ myself, not hiding from myself – that’s settled to a certain extent over time and with the tools of self-writings, self-forgiveness and the feedback gotten through the network of support as the Desteni I Process, which has been a lighthouse in a vast sea of darkness lol, seriously, considering how one can lose one’s direction at times, the support one gets to get back to self-honesty and self-responsibility to one’s self-creation is always a gift in life to have.

So! Transparency, openness, vulnerability and self-enjoyment in my expression, here I come.

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


535. Self-Enjoyment and Expression

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

These two words expression go hand in hand and I’ve seen that in my case, they are also a result of me first sorting out any point that is creating noise within me and so discomfort in my body. Speaking of which, I just watched today a very cool SOUL video on this topic which is recommendable for everyone to listen to because it is something we all can relate to regardless – it’s about who we are in our body and developing a sense of it and linking it to ‘what goes up in our minds’ or experiences, so here it is: How Are You In Your Body?. This aspect of comfort I’ll also get to in blogs to come since it is something that I’ve outlined in this series of words to ‘look back into myself’ in relation to that point of attraction from which this blog series is stemming from, and I defined it ‘comfort in one’s own skin’ which is the same as being comfortable in our bodies and what I consider is having a relaxed expression as an outflow of self-acceptance and self-appreciation.

However here I’ll focus on Self-Enjoyment and Self-Expression in the context of not having any trigger going on in my reality to enjoy and express myself – meaning not doing it ‘for someone else’ or within a particular context where there’s more people involved, but getting to the core of who I am within myself as these words alone.

This is again reflecting a bit on the original point of ‘attraction’ created towards another in relation to this point of self-enjoyment I perceived in them, wherein I cannot really tell ‘who they are’ in relation to self-expression while being alone/with themselves, because all that I’ve seen and known of them is based on interviews, documentaries which means there’s always an interaction of sorts with other people recording the interaction, in essence it can be also a ‘show’ towards others – however the words are here for me to look at in both contexts.

One thing I am certain is that I definitely can enjoy communication with others, it can be either through a chat or video chat or in real time, I appreciate a bit more the real time ones because of being in a particular environment with the people face to face, I consider that there’s really something about being in the presence of others that makes it very real – but it is still a perception because I can still communicate in the rest of the ways and enjoy myself as well.

However here I want to focus more on ‘who I am’ as self-expression and self-enjoyment within myself, alone. This opens up the possibility for me to fine tune this point of self-expression in relation to what I decide to live in every moment of my life, as a set of decisions, choices, doings that I do for myself, as myself – hence the word expression where there’s no ‘separate motivation’ behind it, but entirely doing it as myself. Now this I have gotten to integrate to a certain extent in who I am, doing things as an expression of me, however! When it comes to ‘me time’ or personal time and self-enjoyment that’s where I want to really look into. 

Self Enjoyment is easier to express when doing something where I am particularly being productive, being of assistance to others or when I go for a walk and there’s that ‘perfect weather’ like windy and cloudy yet having bits of sun shining through, that can really make me genuinely smile and enjoy the moment. However whenever I don’t have any particular ‘triggers’ or ‘reasons’ to enjoy something in a moment, meaning there is no ‘stimulation’ of sorts by external elements, that’s where I have been testing out making more of a decision in moments with myself to get to express and enjoy something, while being alone and doing so entirely for myself.

A point of conditioning that I’ve seen for a long time is how I’ve defined self-expression in relation to only a set of particular activities, namely art related, in writing, in communication – and all of these are more ‘production’ based or interaction-based, but this creates a huge gap into the rest of the moments where I am not doing any of that and perceiving that I am not ‘expressing’ myself or that I am not ‘enjoying myself’ which is the deception to clear out for myself here.

I have a tendency to focus too much on ‘doing things’ and ‘getting things done’ to a point where I can easily not stop from the moment I wake up till I go to bed and not get a ‘break’ to ‘smell the flowers’ so to speak, except when I have to eat or if I go out – but my challenge and focus here is on expanding my ability to enjoy being (with) myself in simple situations where I am not necessarily ‘doing’ something, but simply getting to enjoy me, my presence, my physicality as in ‘I’m here’, I’m alive, I breathe, I am content with myself.

It is definitely awesome where one stops ‘longing’ something or someone to create an experience within us, because one is no longer defined by having a ‘positive experience’ being triggered by something or someone else, but can instead be one’s starting point and decision to enjoy a moment with ourselves.

An example is where I can simply step outside for a moment and just look at the sky and breathe some fresh air, or laying down for a moment, closing my eyes and practicing to just breathe and not engage in thinking, but develop that physical awareness in those moments and be in my physical body– as simple as it may sound these are enjoyable moments. Same with just staring for a moment at ‘life passing by’ and being ‘empty’ within myself – those are some of the peaceful moments, but they are also a result of me first getting to do most of the things I set myself to do, meaning, I very much dedicate my day to ‘doings’ yes, but at the same time I’ve also been learning to integrate some ‘me’ time where I can develop these self-enjoyment moments, like cooking or preparing something for me to eat or drink that I enjoy, or going to the movies which is definitely something I enjoy – and truly the way I get myself to watch a movie because it’s tough at times to do so at home – or when I decide to jog in the morning and it’s simply so nice to go to the park early on and having the sun not out yet – those are moments with myself that I appreciate – but I also want to be able to enjoy myself regardless of any of these activities.

And this is where I’ve noticed that ‘enjoyment’ per se if definitely not going to be as defined by consciousness, as a super high experience of ‘thrill’ or having a ‘buzz’ in my body where everything goes super fast and I’m like on a ‘high’ point – nope, this enjoyment is more of a fulfillment, self-fulfillment and lately is being linked to self-appreciation which is actually emerging from this same self-introspection I’ve been doing to debunk all of my supposed ‘lacks’ as well or points I’m ‘missing’ when in fact, these are just thoughts that I’ve given power to in my mind, but the ‘magic’ of writing is that upon seeing it for what it is in my words on the screen or on paper, they lose their ‘power’ so to speak, because I can see where I have not recognized the words I’m already living or how I have separated myself from certain words as well, which is great, it’s like a self-consolidation process and that’s very cool for this time of my life.

However, here I push for detail and specificity. Within me there’s a tendency when getting ‘too quiet’ to also bring up more like unconscious patterns of diving into a melancholy or slight depression, experiencing a sort of lack, longing, yearning etc. which has to do very much with the word I opened up yesterday in relation to comfort in solitude, where that comfort becomes a platform for me to enjoy and express me, for me, as me and at the same time, it has led me to ‘rekindle’ a relationship with myself based on how I can recognize who I am, what I’ve become, what I’m working on, being able to truly start appreciating myself, the path I’ve been deciding to walk and living it out in my life thus far, being grateful for all the people that I’ve gotten to meet and be with – and learn from it all – and realizing how much this has assisted me to grow as an individual. 

I also have had a tendency to value this experience ‘with others’ as something ‘more’ than being alone, which is why I open up this self-expression and self-enjoyment on my own, meaning getting to at the same time be comfortable in my own body, in every moment,  but also in deciding to do or express things for myself.

Self-expression and self-enjoyment is about who I really am in every moment, how I am experiencing myself in my body, being able to investigate myself if there’s any ‘noise’ going on in my head that is creating a particular experience in me and finding out what it is all about, which  actually becomes something enjoyable for me to do as well – and so be able to make a decision to get back to a point of comfort within my body so that I can then express myself in whatever I do as a point of flow, direction, focus and determination in my regular responsibilities.

That’s how in working with writing, self-forgiveness in self-honesty and deciding to create the changes I need to establish myself back into my own two feet and express myself, I become enjoyment as well which I can also define as a satisfaction within me, as in being satisfied about all the day’s actions, of how I am directing myself throughout the day and this is certainly not about having positive thoughts or anything like that at all, it’s about principles and doings, it’s about knowing who I am and what I want to be and create – and so expressing, doing, sharing myself based on that realization, translating it into actions, considerations, choices, decisions, plans and projects, things to make and produce, while also yes, now integrating some ‘slow-me-time’ into the equation, that’s the challenge here.

 

If it is a ‘me-time’ where I don’t have anything specific to do, I can then practice on enjoying my physical experience, my presence, my surroundings, that quietness and stability that I am aware I can get to once that I have worked with what I had to do and create for the day as my expression.

So as I was mentioning earlier, self-expression and self-enjoyment has got to start for me, as me yet invariably of course this resulting in affecting the way I relate to others and the ways that I share who I am with others, in my interactions and such, which I find is most enjoyable.

Ultimately as I expressed yesterday as well, we cannot define our own expression and enjoyment based on where we are or with whom, nor if we are entirely ‘alone’ in a certain environment. I consider that being able to enjoy self in whatever we do is a point of self-acceptance, self appreciation and self-trust that is built throughout walking this process from consciousness to self-awareness as life as well, it just doesn’t come ‘in one go’ and it has taken me some years to get to a relative point of self-enjoyment and self-expression, but here I’m definitely pushing myself to the next level of continuing to fine tune myself in detail in relation to these aspects of myself as self-expression and self-enjoyment.

So, some self-forgiveness here on the perception that I cannot enjoy myself unless I share my expression with another or sometimes wishing that I could share myself or an activity with someone else in moments where it’s just not possible at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I can only enjoy myself genuinely in the presence of another/others, wherein in moments where I can be genuinely enjoying myself, I go into a ‘wishing’ or ‘longing’ to be in the presence of someone else that could also ‘benefit’ from this enjoyment or this activity as well, instead of realizing that myself as part of the whole, living this self-enjoyment is already me being it/expressing it as others as well. What I can practically do is then proceed to share myself with others in relation to how I’ve done this, the process I’ve walked to get to this self-enjoyment – or get to establish relationships with people where this kind of enjoyment can be shared – however without making it a condition for me to express and live self-enjoyment for and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought before that ‘life is better when sharing it with another’ – and so conditioning my expression in relation to ‘being with someone else’ and perceiving that when I am alone I am ‘miserable’ and so seeing no point in enjoying myself, which is a perception and a belief again that ‘this expression right here could be also shared and/or experienced with someone else’ which it is so in fact, it can, but it doesn’t have to ‘necessarily’ be so to make it enjoyable for myself alone – therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of ‘something or someone else’ the motivation for me to express me, to live enjoyment – when in fact this is precisely where we cripple ourselves in believing that it’s not worth ‘fully being here as ourselves’ in moments when we are alone, because we are not affecting someone else in any way of seeing them also enjoy and share a moment with us – when in fact, that is only a perception, because regardless of who is there or not, one can express and enjoy for and as oneself, and this is then a living expression that one becomes an example that can be shared with many more people that have conceived it as pointless to express and enjoy themselves alone – so I in essence have to live my own words and realizations into myself, so that I can be self-honest in my expression around this whole point, and truly become a living example of what it means to live these words self-expression and self-enjoyment even in the perceived ‘silent’ or ‘still’ moments within myself, deciding to be more expressive for me as me and not only doing so for another that is around me. And this has been a point I’ve been practicing for sure, bit by bit I’ll continue expanding myself on this.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition my expression based on who is around and how I can ‘affect them’ or ‘trigger them’ with my expression, which is then a point of separation such as doing something funny, enjoyable or express myself in a particular way to ‘create happiness’ or ‘enjoyment’ in another, which I can instead learn to do for me, as me, as an expression – no need for observers or onlookers for it.

I commit myself to embrace me, my expression, my enjoyment and whenever those thoughts come up of ‘Oh I wish I could have shared this moment with someone else’ I simply breathe and realize I’m here as me, I enjoy it, I live it – whenever there’s an opportunity to share it with another, I will, but then it won’t be doing it ‘for them’ only, but as an outflow of what I’ve already lived for and as myself, as my expression.

Thanks for reading

 

Inner Creations

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533. Living Passion in Purpose

Next word to explore and see who I am in relation to currently is passion and this word ever since I watched Gian’s video on it, it stuck with me in the sense of what I can consider a livable definition of passion in fact, and I share his vlog here for reference: Passion, You are Your Passion to Change – Desteni Process Support Vlog.

Here it’s my turn to investigate it in relation to living it and making it my expression in who I am in whatever I do, and the first point to investigate is how I have separated myself from this word and making it some kind of ‘superior’ experience – yes, a noticeable energetic experience – that I have in turn given value to, but it doesn’t mean that it is a person living the word passion as self-expression. What does that mean?

Here then it’s about seeing how I’ve been making an experience ‘more’ than who I am and that’s the point to clarify here because it’s not really about having an energetic experience itself as ‘passion’ but redefining it into a word that I express and live in who I am and consequently within whatever I do.

What I may see in some people as passion is more like a driving force of their own purpose or point of motivation that becomes an expression of who they are no matter what they are doing or with whom – now, this is more me placing it into words because I can only observe things based on who I am in relation to it as well, which means that, lol I am already ‘it’ at some level.

This also means that I can get to recognize how I have been living passion to a certain extent within myself and in my life, maybe not in a very consistent manner throughout these years, but I definitely know that when I decide to stand as it and live it, I can become that force of life within myself, a motivation that goes beyond a personal interest, but simply as an outflow or expression or what I’ve defined as a point of passion in my life which is life itself, this process as the ability to be ‘reborn’ into our personal lives and tap into a potential that had been covered up with many layers – in my case – of self-depreciation, lack of self-acceptance and self-recognition, which is why in the first place I have been entertaining such ‘attraction’ idea towards other people, because in a way I didn’t first look within myself to see where and how I am already living such word  – instead of reacting in a subtle manner to another’s expression which may – or may not – be more ‘energy’-related and then making that as something I desire to become within myself, which would be missing out the entire point.

I see that passion is the result of standing within oneself in a consistent manner, it’s like a ‘flame’ that we turn on and keep burning within ourselves in relation to what we decide to stand up for. It expressed physically as a form of intensity in my expression, an enjoyment, a fulfillment within myself as I see myself standing as my potential – or when being in a self-creation process, there’s that ‘driving force’ within me that is not based on getting to ‘the top of the hill’ so to speak, but more so in relation to getting to know who I can really be if I direct myself in every moment of my life to do what I’ve decided to do, to manifest and create the life that I want to create for myself and so for others, as life.

My passion is directly connected to this process of assisting myself and so many others in birthing ourselves as life, of getting to understand ourselves and from doing so, learn to live in ways that better ourselves, our relationships and so the world that we create. That’s been my driving force that I’ve been expressing in several ways, but the most common ones are through direct communication on this process, on the importance of it, the benefits of it and the responsibility we all have to it at the same time, which is about understanding self-creation and self-empowerment in consideration of what’s best for all, our true potential that is always here, waiting for each one of us to light it up and live it in our lives.

From this realization, I take some of Gian’s words to explain how it is in this decision to be an example or stand as an example, integrating these principles of self-honesty, self-creation, self-responsibility, self-trust, self-respect as a result of all of this walk that we then become that passion as ourselves and can ‘pass it on’ to others through one’s living example, which I consider is a meaningful, respectful, dignifying process to do in one’s life and even a privilege as well which entails self-responsibility too in not only ‘getting’ the benefits, but learning to give ourselves back to others that also want to learn to assist themselves to live to their utmost potential.

And this passion as I am living it, is already coming from some years of experience; now is the time where I have to recognize the authority I have onto my own words based on my own experience, my own application, my own dedication, focus and attention to doing this every day of my life for years. And now I am now finding it fascinating that I could be ‘falling for’ an experience of ‘longing’ some kind of perceived ‘passionate expression’ in another that might be appealing to certain personalities or memories within me – but that’s of consciousness.

Who I am and what I live and specifically in the context of what motivates me I can see is nothing else but life for life as life, period. And that to me is quite a ‘pure’ form of passion that may sound abstract for some, but can be read in all of the words and all of the principles I’ve set myself to live within my life over these years as a self-commitment.

I’ve noticed then within this apparent experience of ‘attraction’ toward others that I essentially have to remind myself to first of all look back within me in how I am already living that something that I am kind of ‘being attracted to’ and if so, then I have to debunk the bubble of experience that I am creating in relation to another’s expression and simply let it go for what it is= a feeling reaction. If not, then there’s a word I can work on creating, living and expanding myself on within my own context and reality.

Sometimes I tend to underestimate myself and it is only through writing that I can debunk my own ‘admirations’ and rather look straight and clearly towards myself to realize ‘hey, I’m actually already doing that’ or ‘I have to align this point more in certain contexts in my life’ or sometimes simply learning to embrace another’s expression as it is, instead of reacting in the mind in a sense of ‘desire’ or ‘want’ to ‘own’ it through a ‘relationship’ which is how we tend to operate in our minds, always wanting to be like vampires that can suck the life out of others and ‘own it ourselves’ lol, instead of realizing ‘hey I actually have that life as well, let me work on myself and build my own potential.’

Here thus I take the space to rather see in relation to what do I want to express that passion as myself, besides for example these writings which is where I see it usually is expressed as this force of the words that is aiming at sharing myself and possibly ringing someone’s eyes and ears, it’s a usual intent within me within writing, like ‘passing the flame’ as Gian once explained as well, from personal living example.

And I consider that passion is a word that I tend to forget to live whenever going into any minor ‘low’ within me, upon any subtle judgment, or experience of ‘being hard of myself’ for something, when overthinking in the process of doing something, I essentially have to remind myself living passion, remembering who I really am essentially, not allowing anything less than what I’ve proven to myself I can be and so be my own point of ignition, where I don’t require watching another’s expression to feel like wanting to express myself as that, but I can simply make a decision to express it in the moment, especially in contexts where I am allowing myself to be affected by others to a certain extent.

Those are moments where I can investigate why did I allow myself to go into a ‘low’ upon discussing or meeting that person? What’s behind it? and go back to my self-investigation board to establish self-clarity and then see how I can remain standing within myself as that consistent force regardless of who I am with or what I am being shared about – which is not a point of remaining positive or thinking positive, but rather a decision to stick to the common sensical me, sticking to my potential and so expressing it in who I am in those moments, extending that realization of being able to ‘walk through’ points even if they might seem too much at times.

This way I can embody this statement as: ‘this low is not who we really are, nor this depression or self-devaluing experience, we can be better than that’ and so step back into the passion that I’ve lived and that I yet have to develop and expand in various moments in my day to day, starting with seeing and recognizing myself as my own source of it – not anything or anyone outside of me as an idea, perception or mind-relationship, but rather doing it as self, as a part of the whole

If we all do this, one by one, we will truly get to live and interact with self-fulfilled and passionate individuals that can in turn keep sharing the ways in which we can all stand up and tap into our potential, and share the exact ways to do it, which is precisely what this process at Desteni is for: learning how to empower ourselves, how to get to live within our utmost potential, how to establish our principles and how to – most importantly – live them in a practical way in our day to day.

That’s what I decide to do and live – and in turn, get to appreciate other beings that can be equally passionate, without interfering with it in desiring or wanting that, because I can remind myself I am already living that, I embrace another’s expression and be grateful for who they are, and that’s part of the ‘shared passion’ for each other as living beings I’d say – no fuzzy attraction experiences any longer.

Thanks for reading.   

 

 

    

 

 

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532. Expressing Self-Trust and Confidence

 

§  Continuing from: 531. Redefining Self-Confidence

 

Here I’ll apply self-forgiveness on all the points I wrote out in the previous blogs, in order to tackle my self-created limitations and for once and for all rather see the benefit of owning my creation as my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience hesitation, self-doubt and lack of confidence whenever I am having to make decisions on my own and have no one to reference my decisions with, wherein I have gotten used to always being able to have the approval or disapproval of others to then decide to make a particular decision in my life alone – instead of realizing that regardless of what others might say, I am the one that will ultimately live with the outcome of such decision and as such, it is ultimately a point where I have to learn to trust myself, which in this case means learning from making my own decisions, moves and choices and accordingly walk through them, not fearing making mistakes or going ‘the wrong’ way because that’s how I’ve found that I get to then define and fine tune my decisions, my next steps and next choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate what is really behind the hesitation, self doubt or uncertainty before which is in fact a fear of making mistakes, a fear of not really achieving my utmost potential – however I forget that such outcome as ‘best potential’ can only exist through practice, through making many choices, possibly many mistakes and walking many paths to then get to find ‘my expression’ wherein, in fear, I actually don’t get to truly develop myself because of existing mostly in ‘fear’ and as such in a constant limitation that leads me to be in a stifling position, ‘giving up’ in doing something out of giving too much weight on an outcome or the opinions on them, instead of realizing that I am the only one that is able to give weight – or a negative value – to mistakes, to attempts, to apparent ‘failed choices’ – and instead learn from it, stand up and do it all over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others’ opinions and perspectives on my expression in order to keep going or completely use them as a deterrent to stop my expression in certain ways, instead of realizing that a point of expression is to represent who I am in that particular moment with what I want to create, what I want to communicate to others ultimately and as such, there is no ‘right or wrong’ or ‘good or bad’ in it, but only a process of referencing myself, seeing how satisfied or not I am with it, taking myself into consideration and not looking for others’ opinions to decide to continue or not.

I realize that I have been my own worst critic as well so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be my own worst critic wherein I have defined what I do as not ‘good enough’ when I compare it to what others do/express and so, have allowed myself to use this judgment as a reason to completely give up on something and get into an experience of ‘what’s the use’ – when a point of expression is precisely about practicing, doing it as much as one can until one can create or build a point of self-trust and confidence in it, which I can attest is definitely a process in other aspects of my life, but interestingly enough when it comes to creative expression, it’s like hitting a wall and this is mostly based on others’ feedback that I’ve taken ‘to the heart’, instead of staying true to myself, referencing it with myself first and foremost.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in self-doubt when it comes to assessing ‘what to do next’ or ‘what could I change or improve’ wherein the actual fear behind it is ‘fucking it up’ – wrecking it, messing it and so apparently ‘lose out’ an opportunity to have created something that I could be ‘proud of’ – but in reality there is nothing that we can create in ‘one go’ and have it come out ‘perfectly’ at once, and I realize that this ‘perfectionism’ or the idea that I have about what I can be satisfied with can be a huge show-stopper to me if I dare to start over-analyzing everything and then concluding that it is not what I expected, or it wasn’t as I intended – instead of realizing that this is a process of self-creation and self-expression, it takes practice, will take time, will take several tries maybe, but the point is to persevere and not give up ‘trying’ or getting frustrated for not getting a desired outcome.

I realize the practicality of practice and perseverance in this, wherein over time and continuous practice I am aware we can get to be more confident in doing anything – and the same therefore can be created in any point of artistic expression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give judgments, opinions, positive and negative values to words in relation to any point of artistic expression to the point of using them to validate or disqualify what I do as ‘good enough,’ where deep down I know I can trust myself in what I see, but have ultimately usually veered to get others’ reference and perspectives, which over the years I’ve used as a reason to not keep going, but, this is entirely my own decision, my own process in reality that I cannot blame on anyone’s opinion, because it’s only me that has given it sufficient value/worth to make an opinion more important than what I decide to express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define confidence based on ‘doing something that is unique’ and so ‘special’ and so, whenever I started finding ‘similar work’ to mine, I sank into a pointlessness because of thinking that ‘everyone else is also doing it, so what’s the point?  When in fact, this is when comparison kicks in and so I stop seeing ‘the point’ when in fact, the point is myself, it’s about my expression regardless of what others do or not do or how similar it is.

Ultimately if I would measure anything I do based on how others do it, I’d be in a constant state of ‘giving up’ because ‘everyone else would be doing a lot of the same things I do anyways’ lol – when in fact this is about my expression, my development, my process, even regardless of the ‘final outcome’ but more so focusing on what I go learning about myself in the process as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for example diminish my photographs as something that ‘anyone else could have taken’ or something that ‘everyone nowadays can do with cellphones’ which I used as an excuse to give up on taking photographs based on ‘others already doing it,’ instead of rather realizing each one of those photographs were moments where I was truly focused in my reality and making a decision to capture something, it actually assisted me a lot to pay close attention to my surroundings in a constant manner, which I still enjoy doing yet don’t take photographs any longer because of thinking ‘what’s the point, there’s thousands of pictures with the same thing, nothing new’ where I then doubt myself even with the potential of taking a photograph because ‘others probably already took one similar’ – which again, if I expanded this kind of assessment to anything else, I would be constantly stopping myself from doing anything based on what ‘others have done already.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to doubt myself, become hesitant and ultimately feel ‘incompetent’ in relation to points of self-expression in arts because of going into comparison, believing that there’s nothing ‘special’ in my stuff so why should I bother? But I realize and have seen from others’ examples how people that stick to developing themselves and persist on practicing, eventually get to be quite confident in their creations – and that’s the potential that exists when we don’t stop to compare ourselves to others, but stay true to oneself, to the purpose of the point of creation which is ultimately of self-creation, where the result is only that, an outflow or a consequence of a deeper process that takes place while creating something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be focused on ‘a result’ within my expression, instead of considering the ‘who I am’ throughout the whole process, which ultimately is what is part of my self-creation that I’d like to develop and focus on, every moment’s decision and trusting myself within them, considering it all as a process to learn about myself, to learn about giving ‘shape’ to something and also to take responsibility for my creation where I am the one that is entirely behind it, and not any one else’s opinion or perspective on it – this way, whatever anyone else can say about it is an extra opinion, and not a defining factor that determines anything for me – but can only take it as a point of feedback for sure.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to discourage myself from continuing any point of self-expression based on my own opinions, judgments and expectations standing as self-criticism, that led me to then rather ‘not bother’ at all with it, in spite of how I see that when walking through my own veils of perception, I can actually enjoy doing it and I enjoy seeing ‘me’ in every step of the way and reflect it all back to what I am, where I am and who I am behind that one point of self-creation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have defined confidence in the past based on reassuring or supportive comments made by others whose opinion I deem as important and in some cases having certain authority or superiority over myself, to then decide to continue or not doing something, wherein I then placed my expression, my perseverance in the hands of an opinion, a judgment and a perception – instead of having allowed myself to trust me in continuing to work on it, and stop my own backchat in relation to it, while focusing on the physical process of creation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to covertly blame someone else as the reason why I decided to not play music anymore, wherein I am the one that took another’s words and attitude personally and made it a reason, excuse and justification why I didn’t have to bother anymore with practicing playing music, and instead only focus on doing visual arts – eventually extending my own judgments to anything related to visual arts wherein I then stopped doing any of it at all because of believing how pointless it all is – therefore, there is no one to ‘blame’ for this. This is essentially something I did to myself and so I can only now stand up from it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take an opinion, a judgment, a perception as ‘truth’ – when in fact the truth is who I am in every moment of creating something, the decision I make and their outcome – which means when I decide to stand all the way in every step of the way, that’s where I see I build self-trust and confidence in relation to ‘the outcomes’ because then I am certain that this is something I created for myself, by myself, without any pretense other than expressing who I am, which is where I want to develop my strength as well, instead of taking ‘what I believe others will say’ into consideration, which is not really about ‘others’ then, but about myself not limiting me by all of that. .

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive that ‘I didn’t enjoy making art any longer’ when in fact, it was the series of judgments, perceptions, opinions that I allowed to take precedence over the creation process of me-expressing-myself, and so that’s where it became tiresome, unbearable, causing more ‘stress’ than enjoyment – and it all was because of how much I gave value and worth to judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear’ not having any other point of reference for my creation, wherein, I believe that I cannot ‘continue’ doing something unless I get any form of feedback from others – and in such situations or contexts it makes sense, but when it comes to artistic expression, it is truly the one point where I am the one with the ultimate and only say, because it is a point of expression that cannot be judged as ‘good or bad’ and this is also why I also started resisting to do anything related to arts, because of how ‘ambiguous’ it would be through my judgmental eyes in terms of being unable to define it as good or not based on ‘others’ perspectives’ but ultimately, this is where I have to be the one that stands through in it all regardless, doing it as my expression, which cannot be ‘contained’ in a few judgments of value.

I commit myself to continue practicing building, consolidating and densifying my ‘confidence’ through artistic expression – and any other point of expression for that matter – where I can learn to trust my decisions, walk a point of self-creation all the way and ultimately ‘own’ my creation regardless of the outcome, learning from it  and trusting myself in my ability to learn and stand up from mistakes, not being afraid to making mistakes but rather reminding myself that’s the way to continue moving forward in any point of creation, to persevere, to be consistent and to not allow judgments, opinions or perceptions about it in my mind to deter me from continuing.

This is then how one gets to be comfortable in doing something, through practice and then ultimately that practice & repetition creates a solidity of it at a physical level, where there is a point of control and flow as well, which means being present, being directive yet not rigid about the outcomes, flowing with it yet being aware of the path all the way – and this is then what I can integrate as a physical expression of self-confidence.

Thanks for reading.

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


531. Redefining Self-Confidence

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

Confidence is the first word to look at and the aspects that I see I require to fine tune this word are specifically in relation to an experience of hesitation, doubt and uncertainty that I’ve been facing interestingly enough in situations where I cannot really reference something ‘with others’ and where I have to stand on my own two feet, make decisions and learn to trust myself within it, learning from it.

I’ve noticed how when making decisions in my life, I’ve become used to always asking or having other people as supporters or detractors of what I decide to be and do – this being a source of ‘confidence’ for me based on how I take others’ words and perspectives as an encouraging or detracting factor for me to venture into doing something or not, and here I’m focusing mostly in relation to my expression, specifically in arts.

The outflows of this self-doubt, uncertainty or hesitation emerge upon assessing options or paths I could develop within myself when having a literal ‘white canvas’ in front of me. What emerges is that I start considering what would be approved by others, what would be most liked or appreciated by what I believe specific people could say about it – and interestingly enough, this is where what can be called as a ‘lack of confidence’ comes in, where I am desiring a point of reference, a second view from another approving or disapproving something that is very much my own expression, my own doing.

I’m actually talking about painting here, hence the ‘literal white canvas’ description, because that’s what I’ve been taking on again and I started realizing why I became so unsure of myself in something like painting or anything art related, and it all boils down to seeking a form of reassurance from others that I was doing the ‘right thing,’ or how I stopped for example taking photographs because I started judging the fact that ‘suddenly everyone can take photographs’ and it’s no longer some kind of ‘special thing’ as it was some 10 years ago when I started doing that and got to be the most prolific on it.

Therefore I saw the constant: I am having a projection, an idea of what I believe would be ‘others’ opinions’ or the expectation thereof in my mind as an obstacle within me to not continue expressing myself. And this is entirely my creation, my expectation, has nothing to do with ‘others’ really. The same when I started considering more what others were doing and comparing ‘my work’ to that of others, and how I slowly but surely got discouraged of continuing doing anything related to arts, because of having ‘others in my mind’ and using that as a source of discouragement – of course, it all has been self-created.

Therefore I can say I lost confidence in a way when it comes to expression in arts specifically – but if I look at it, was my ‘previous confidence’ actually real? Honestly not. I had built such confidence some 10 years ago based on the praise I’d get from teachers, friends, relatives, fellow artists and I kind of ‘elevated’ myself based on others’ feedback, building such confidence with having a backbone of opinions and perspectives by others that I took as ‘real’ and as a definition of ‘my work, who I am.’ This bubble then had to be burst and for the best, because if we are to truly embody and live a word, it cannot be sustained by anyone else’s opinions and perspectives but my own.

This also has to do with being sometimes ‘hyper-critical’ about my expression in the context of arts or musical expression. Same applies to playing music where I see that a tinge of fear emerges when considering ‘playing bass again’ or making music with others, because I remember all of those past times with people where I took someone’s perspective on my playing as ‘discouraging’ and in essence, I allowed myself to fall into a ‘uselessness’ experience about playing music, deciding that ‘my thing’ were visual arts and not music – essentially I took someone else’s opinion as ‘my truth’ and within that limited my ability to continue practicing and expressing through music as well. And there is really no one to blame here because it was me that took those words as ‘the ultimate truth’ = I accepted and allowed it.

And it’s relevant to say I’ve been challenging those past obstacles within me and in practice lately. I can also see why I have refrained myself from continuing to work on my artistic expression – resisting it, in other words – and in general keeping this ‘love-hate’ relationship I’ve shared when it comes to arts and expression in my life, but I am decided to for once and for all stop my drama around it and rather tackle my relationship with my expression in that realm of arts but also in general when it comes to my physical expression, because this has been one of those ‘trees I left to dry’ within my life, using several justifications  such as simply ‘not enjoying’ or having not such a ‘great time’ whenever I would paint and judging it as pointless, pondering what’s the use, etc. But the truth is that there was a background of not being sure about myself in such expression, which means I had gotten so used to ‘being sure of myself’ based on continuing to get feedback from other people to then define that ‘I’m on the right track, what I do is good stuff, this is good enough, others like it’.

So, uncertainty, doubt, hesitation about my self-expression are the result of having based my confidence on perceived good/positive feedback on anything I did, and used such opinions, views and perspectives as some kind of ‘fuel’ for my expression – which then I allowed to completely determine (or terminate, lol) my decision to express, getting to a point of not doing much for the past years, using many reasons and justifications around it.

However I’ve now been able to see the actual reason for it, and it’s because of the personal confrontation I get while making each decision on a painting or a point of expression: I have no other point of reference, there’s no one I can ask and say ‘hey, how do you see it?’ and base my next move according to someone else’s opinion – nope. It’s all on me now and that’s what’s actually cool that I am taking on again, it is not even so much about the actual ‘painting’ and result of it eventually, but more so the kind of certainty, confidence and assertiveness that I have to live while making a painting and learning to trust myself with it, as it, which I had not done before except when I first picked up painting in 2003 and I did my first paintings entirely for myself, no one else was  on my mind to ‘make them.’ However, this changed as I started showing them around and expectations started building… which I have to definitely get back to myself and develop as a trust, a comfort in my decisions to express and do.

I was sounding this word ‘confidence’ and it also sounds a bit like ‘comfy-dense’ as in solid-comfort where there’s assertiveness, there’s trust, there’s substance yet comfort, flow, expression in it and this is what I want to keep focusing on and deliberately applying while expressing myself, especially when it comes to trusting my decisions, and stopping having what I believe are ‘others’ opinions’ in my own mind.

This will continue….

Thanks for reading.

 

Suggested support:

Confidence: Practical Support – Atlanteans – Part 152

Self-Honesty

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


530. The Secret Behind Attraction

Or how to transform an experience towards another into a learning process that gets us expanding our lives instead of diminishing them

Back to my self-investigation and particularly focusing on relationships and specifically the attraction we can feel towards others and how to turn that back to self- to investigate what are we missing out about our own lives and self-creation when and while creating any form of infatuation, likeness or attraction toward others.

Now this topic is something I started actually writing out in my journal last week, however I recently watched Matti’s video on this same topic Social Media and Impractical Relationship Fantasies, which made me laugh a bit because I have been working on a very similar point – different context yet same outcome. In my case this ‘attraction’ was towards an artist that I became aware of some 2 years ago and upon watching a documentary where he was featured talking and sharing himself doing his ‘day to day’ activities, I got to perceive certain aspects of his expression that I found myself creating a form of attraction to, and I have to be honest in the fact that I’ve watched several interviews with the same guy because of liking his expression and getting to see how he ‘views the world’ so to speak, which frankly it’s not something I even agree with entirely – however it wasn’t so much about what he stands for or how he views life what I was focusing on, but rather his overall presentation and expression.

Over time what happened is that even while being in a relationship, the image of this guy would come up and not in the lovey-dovey type of infatuation, but more so as an expression that I did see myself desiring to see or experience in my life, which means whenever I would see ‘his picture’ coming up in my mind, I would at times kind of embody certain attitudes that I liked about him, which may sound strange but this is not such a defined and refined process to really keep describing, because I didn’t get to apply this fully over time and wasn’t taking this investigation seriously before.

It was only last week that I saw myself again ‘veering’ towards the image/expression of this guy and that’s the time where I decided to take on this point and I started making a list of all the words/aspects I perceive that this guy represented as that kind of expression that I wanted to be or become myself.

Here I am skipping one aspect though for context and in case you haven’t checked out Matti’s video. What we’ve realized in our self-awareness process is that whenever we find ourselves ‘attracted’ to someone it is in fact indicating aspects that we have separated ourselves from, words we haven’t yet lived for ourselves, it indicates expressions that we see or perceive others are living in their lives that we can enjoy and instead of seeing ‘hey how can I become that myself too?’ we respond with a ‘desire’  in ourselves – which yes I’ve also written out before in sounding the word ‘these-i-are’ or desire as in we are or can be what we desire from others.

However the usual way to interpret this experience is creating a mental-‘connection’ with the person, such as desiring a relationship with them or creating an infatuation or obsession about them, when in fact we could instead redefine that to be a set of aspects that we can integrate into our own lives if we see – of course – they are best for our lives and for others as well.

So, here are the words that I’ve essentially ‘separated’ myself from living as myself and some others that I’ve kind of gotten to integrate a bit but not yet fully. Now it is also convenient to say that these are my perceptions based on what I’ve seen of him throughout these interviews and documentaries where he’s featured where I’ve gotten to perceive these words coming through him and it is very cool to instead of having this ‘undefined’ experience towards someone and just dubbing it ‘attraction,’ be able to write out the exact words that I can instead look at within myself and see practical ways to live them myself.

What came up is confidence, passion, comfort (in solitude), self-enjoyment, transparency (no pretense), comfortable in their own skin, authentic, seriousness, funny, creative, expressive, simplicity, adaptable, humble/modest, physical, dedicated.

So, here the point is for me to look at each of these words and establish ways to integrate them and live them for and as myself. This is the way to actually stop creating obsessions, ideas, beliefs about others based on what we only get to see of them either through ‘social media,’ or interviews as in my case, or even if it’s someone you interact with on a daily basis. Before even jumping into the notion of a relationship, it’s best to ensure that one’s approach to that person – in the case of it being a realistic and practical situation – is not coming from a ‘desire’ towards the person because of them representing all of these points that we desire to have ourselves, and so wanting to ‘own’ such expression through ‘owning’ a person in a relationship, which is completely the wrong starting point to be in any relationship to begin with – whether partnership, friendship or else.

It is also very fascinating to realize to what extent we have prevented ourselves from getting to fulfill ourselves, to be who we really want to be and become and learn from others to live words that we perceive others are living – and instead we fall down into the trap of ‘relationships’ and desiring relationships with others based on an idea of us being able to also benefit or ‘have’ such expressions through being in a relationship with another.

It’s not even necessary for me to say that of course it is not so and we are only prone to become addicted, dependent and completely ‘bound’ to someone because of perceiving that another is ‘fulfilling us’ in all of those aspects and words that we haven’t yet instead taken the time and effort to write out and live for and as ourselves, which is what I’m about to do so that I can stop my almost – not almost, actually – 2 year type of ‘image in the mind’ kind of infatuation that would come in ‘waves’ every now and then, and I simply minimized it, didn’t pay attention to it, I reduced it to some kind of infatuation – when in fact I’ve actually found these cool words that I can now work with now for myself.

Another important thing to mention is that everything that I can perceive about another is precisely just that: a perception, a belief of who others are and also not all the ways in which a person presents themselves might be a genuine expression either, though that’s up to each person to align and fine tune within themselves – that’s how the only point I can a certainty of is on the words that I can redefine and live as myself in a genuine manner for my benefit and that of others as well.

The key word for me to start of debunking my own apparent inability to develop these words for myself is ‘admiration’ – where it is in fact implying that I am seeing another as superior, as more than me, as ‘beyond’ my reach – and yes in this case practically speaking definitely not realistic to even conceive a ‘relationship’ nor would it be the right starting point for me to pursue any of it even if ‘possible’ – however I can definitely apply self-forgiveness for this ‘ad-miring’ or ‘seeing another as more’ based on how I perceive them, forgetting all about our equality and oneness wherein another being represents potentials of who we can also be and develop ourselves to express if we so decide to work on it.

In this case this guy’s life and context is of course completely different to my own, which means it’s not like I’ll become ‘him’ in any way lol, but rather adapt those words based on my own context, life and living purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘admire’ another human being for the qualities, words, aspects that I consider they embody and that I have believed I cannot live and integrate in my life, which is a massive point of limitation considering that any other human being is an equal to myself and that I have the potential of being able to develop these aspects/words that I’ve seen in others and work on integrating them, living those words and aspects in my own life, according to who I am and what I am dedicating myself to be and do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in inferiority whenever I have accessed the notion of ‘admiring’ another wherein I am placing someone else in a pedestal, making them ‘superior’ to myself – therefore making myself inferior by default– and at the same time believing that if I was to ever try and ‘be like them’ I would not succeed, it would not come out the same way and therefore, I would have to simply not even try to learn from them. Which is also another limitation here because it is not about copying attitudes or ways of living from others, or doing exactly ‘what they do’ in order to be fulfilled and satisfied within ourselves, it’s about taking those words, aspects of them that we can integrate in our very own lives, in our context, according to our day to day experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that those aspects I have admired of another are ‘intimidating’ which is in fact representing more of the energetic reaction that we perceive as ‘feeling attracted’ to someone else feels like, where we are in fact reacting, not knowing how to ‘relate’ to certain expressions and so what comes up is fear, intimidation, feeling ‘less than’ instead of realizing that this intimidation is something I can change from ‘being in fear’ to rather embracing another’s expression as ‘another me,’ an expression embodied in an individual that will certainly not be ‘like any other one’ because it is futile to compare ourselves or anyone to others; as well as considering that this expression is something that I can integrate, adapt and fine tune according to who I am, my principles, my individual expression, wherein the other person becomes only a reference of how it is possible to live certain words, yet not making them an absolute guideline for me to ‘be exactly like that’ but more in the sense of expanding my own expression and potential into all of these aspects and see how I can create myself with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse seeing the potential of certain words and expressions in another and define it as an ‘attraction towards another’ instead of realizing it is in fact a reaction that we create to forever separate ourselves from living such potential as ourselves, on our own lives.

This means that from now on whenever any form of ‘attraction’ emerges even in fleeting moments towards apparently ‘unrealistic individuals,’ I still can simply direct myself to make a list of words that I’ve identified the other person with and work on them myself, and that’s the way to bring the points ‘back to self’ instead of lingering for a long time with a certain idea of desire or ‘attraction’ without any resolution to it.

So, I’ll continue opening up these words and seeing how exactly I perceive I am ‘not that  yet’ and how I can work on integrating them, living them as myself according to my life and individual context.

 

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


524. Redefining Routine

Or The Gift of Responsibilities and Discipline on a day to day basis as a point of stability and consistency in my life

What I’ve discovered more and more through this process is how once that one decides to walk through an experience and does all the necessary work to see behind the ‘veil’ of such experience, what one will finds is oneself, the potential that we have to be in fact ‘here’, directive, content, grounded, stable and embracing the walk of life even during seemingly difficult or tough times.

What I looked at today was the benefit of having responsibilities and getting to fulfill as a point of stability in my life which I am in fact grateful for, as well as self-discipline that can be applied to taking on responsibilities and fulfilling them – but I also see discipline more in the context where one doesn’t ‘have to do something’ as an obligation, requirement or commitment with a second party, but discipline in things that we decide to do for ourselves, for the benefit, enjoyment and self-expansion of it.

An example can be how I know that it sucks whenever I over sleep and I’ve ‘squandered’ some 1 or 2 hours in sleeping over the usual time, which has happened after going through somewhat emotionally charged days or extensive physical work which doesn’t really happen in my life currently but has in the past. I generally dislike that experience and as much as I’ve stopped being moody about it, it’s one of those things where one simply didn’t get to use that time of the day for what was planned because of ‘oversleeping.’

So, a simple point for me can be to be diligent in waking up, sometimes reminding me of how I dislike the experience of missing out those hours of the day, sometimes because I enjoy waking up before the sun rises and I enjoy going out for a jog during the dawn and enjoying that there are not too many cars, that there’s not a scorching sun upon me and that there’s the chilliness of morning times, which is a constant here no matter what season we’re in. I discovered I genuinely enjoy doing this because I get to go to the park and be in such an environment even if for only half an hour a day and then I come back and feel content with myself, satisfied that I was able to wake up and direct myself to do that and can continue with my day which I also like to see as this continuation of activities – from one to the other, to the next – and sometimes fitting them like a puzzle according to the day, the plans that I have and making it work, which usually works but sometimes there are things that come out of nowhere and I also have to learn to be more flexible on that and not lose ‘track’ of myself that way, which I still have to work on.

So, in a way I am finding how doing seemingly ‘simple’ things as part of my day are quite grounding, supportive and a point of stability in my life – to me schedules work as an integral part of who I am in my day, I plan instinctively but in the sense of fitting things in certain timeframes and according to the set-times for certain meetings – and I am the only one that would be causing myself an ‘overload’ or delay of something if I don’t simply direct myself to do it as it is required. Of course procrastination is still something I have to work on, especially in doing things that I believe they have no ‘value’ for myself, which I will be working on fairly soon as well and challenging such rigidity in myself.

I personally enjoy going out for long walks when it’s windy and sunset time and I don’t know what it is but there’s nothing that is more enjoyable to me than that, it’s just feeling the wind and walking and if I’m listening to music it creates a complement where I get to enjoy the moment for and as myself. Same if I decide to go to the movies and watch a movie that I can reflect on for myself or enjoy for the visuals of it – I’m more allowing that to myself after having lived some years of almost no movies. I truly was living a little bit like a monk, which was ok to test out my relationship with things like music and entertainment, but lately I’ve been reincorporating more of this in my life because it is part of the things I can enjoy for myself and that I can do within my current life situation.

Of course all of this integrated with the rest of my day to day responsibilities and routines that I have to say in my case, have been a point of stability, of consistency that becomes more than just a ‘doing’ or ‘getting something done,’ but more of a way in which I am able to now approach a ‘routine’ not with the eyes that I used to before in the sense of going ‘oh no, not again the same, sameness, same old, ah, I need change, need a break’ or any of that –

interestingly enough, by now if I had repeated that kind of reactions every single day, today I was actually reflecting in how even the simple movement of coming to the computer and turning it on by now would have been something I would be physically rejecting or reacting to do, if I had continued to build reactions towards my every day, including daily self-care tasks which yes I had a time where I was reacting to the very fact of having to go to the toilet or having to eat, having to do all of these things on a daily basis. It may sound strange to some, but if you can relate to it: been there, done that and I had to stop my reactions, realize I am the only one creating them and instead embrace physicality, embracing the physical routine because that’s quite a certainty of our lives, day followed by night completing a day and ‘repeat’ the next day – that’s also a point of stability in fact, and I’ve learned to see it as such rather than ‘predictable’ and ‘boring’ or whatever else.

So what changed? Certainly not the length of day and night or any of that, but myself, entirely deciding to live my day to day in a way where I can be stable throughout it all, no matter how many times I will ‘rinse and repeat’ the same thing, because I stopped projecting ‘the future’ and my life based on the amount of days I believe I will be doing the same (or the amount of years I will get to live, because who knows! We don’t even have the next breath assured, really) but instead have actually learned to live a day and giving it what I am capable of in that one day, dare I say I am not yet in that ‘fullest potential’ for sure, and that’s what I’ll continue working on.

This also comes back to something that I decided to live on from when I was in junior high school and I read somewhere a quote along the lines of never losing the ability to be astounded – but I saw it not so much in terms of the ability to react in wonder or amazement or a ‘high’ experience of sorts, but simply in being able to rediscover oneself every day, by developing self-awareness. I’ve heard so many people say that they get bored, and I used to as well, but since I got to be aware of this process, there hasn’t been a day I have defined as ‘boring’ because there’s always something to do, we  simply got more than enough to ‘do’ with getting to really know ourselves and ‘debunking’ where our lies hide and getting real and honest with ourselves to change all of that which we dislike in ourselves, what we know will harm us and eventually destroy us or sabotage us.

I understand that initially it may seem – and I repeat SEEM, because it’s always an experience, therefore it’s only energy – as if it was difficult to get to a point of clarity in relation to something, to even wake up with a ‘clear’ experience to start your day, your ‘routine’, but all I can say is hold on to yourself and stick to the wheel, keep driving and navigating yourself through the seemingly stormy weather, it too shall pass and if you don’t give up or recoil back to fear during a storm, you will get to see the skies clear up and you’ll see yourself remaining standing. And that is something I can call a genuine strength, a perseverance and consistency, a result of discipline, clarity and stopping participation in reactions to our ‘day to day’ living – we decide which words define us – I personally prefer to keep cultivating discipline, consistency, perseverance and dedication rather than any other emotional outburst that I know will only drop me back to ‘square one’ in whichever development I am attempting to create in my life.

A last pointer here, to not get lost in the experience, but to get active and ‘on track’ on a day to day basis, this is the best gift we can give to ourselves on a daily basis, to dignify our lives with the responsibilities we have, with the care that we can give us because the moment we go into an experience about doing these basic things in our life related to physical care and work, responsibilities, relationships or anything that we know we have to face day by day, we are only preparing a road full of reactions and endless sources of Inner-conflict – because it’s not about ‘the world, the people, the relationships or the tasks’, never – it’s all about who we decide to be in relation to it all.

I suggest to rather consider or ‘keep in mind’ the potential that is right here as ourselves, in our very physical body that is being powered breath by breath – if we simply decide to do it, to move through the storm and stick to moving ourselves by living principles, continuing to clear ourselves up with writing, self-forgiveness and laying out corrective applications, then we will see the benefits of this process and understand what I mean here.

All I can say is: this works, if we make it work – it’s up to each one of us to tap into such life and consistency that is always here as ourselves if we decide to live as it and stopping getting ‘lost’ in the experiences towards a self-created doom.  

I decide to see every day as one more chance/opportunity to live, to learn, to expand, to explore myself, to re-discover myself, to challenge myself – yet keeping it simple – Simplicity is the key, as B would say

Thanks for reading

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


518. Learning To Listen

Yesterday there was a very cool discussion that opened up in a group chat about communication and what happens when one shares a bit ‘too much’ from the get go with a person as in talking too much in a little amount of time, as well as not listening to our interlocutor, resulting in what could be defined mostly as a one-way sharing and possibly overwhelming the person or people we’re talking with.

This topic brought me to remember a few situations where whenever I’ve found that there’s a topic that I am genuinely interested on and it gets opened up by someone I am talking to, there’s this sort of excitement in me that ‘rushes to my head’ to ‘tell all that I know about that’ in that moment – and in this ‘excitement’ that goes up to my head, I end up getting in an experience that I define as becoming ‘too intense.’

What’s this ‘intensity’ about? This is related specifically to sharing about topics that are in one way or another having to do with this process that I’m walking, with investigations or information that I’ve defined as being of my interest such as human relationships, self-improvement, world-system improvement, understanding ourselves at deeper levels of our awareness at a mind and body level – in essence the kind of topics I am usually looking at within myself and conversing about with other people on a daily basis.

Therefore, whenever I get to open up about these topics with a relatively ‘new’ person in my life for the first time, I’ve noticed how there’s this sort of excitement where the thoughts are related to having to share with them ‘as much as I can in the least amount of time’ – lol, which is definitely a flawed perception where I start speeding my speech and possibly sharing a bit too many details based on this notion of ‘sharing it all’ to a person.  Here then based on those thoughts, I am driving myself in this ‘intensity’ and ‘velocity’ to share fueled by a perception that ‘this is the one and only time I’ll ever be able to open up this subject with this person so I rather use this time wisely’.

However it is in fact a flawed perception because I’ve found that in having this perception of ‘having to rush’ or ‘use this one window of opportunity to open up these topics with this person,’ I am quite sure that at times I have ended being quite overwhelming for others, which defeats the whole purpose of communication.

This implies that I have to step down from my excitement-bandwagon whenever encountering opportunities to open up conversations about topics or subjects ‘that I like,’ so that’s a flag-point for me to be aware of.

Another one is where I notice that this excitement becomes an overall physical sensation where I invariably end up speeding up my speech and in doing so – due to the excitement and the notion of ‘time is against me’ – I try and compact large subjects by giving away the most ‘impressive details’ in order to retain the attention from the other individual in the subject, which doesn’t work at all  either, because it is actually being done from the starting point of ‘fearing that the other person will lose interest’ and in that, compromise the whole communication to ‘give away cliff hangers’ that can end up being quite confusing because of not considering how new this approach I am trying to explain can be to another person.

Now all of this experience specifically only opens up in those subjects that I am more personally interested on or that spark my curiosity in a way, which can be a point of opening up my expression with another, a ‘common ground’ if you will in things that I’ve considered being ‘my field of expertise.’ In this, my expression can become a bit too bubbly, which means that I can practice ‘cooling down’ a bit to ensure that I am not running on this ‘high’ or ‘excitement’ energy, but that I can breathe and settle in my body so that I then get back to the physical and natural pace that I can usually be at in any other kind of topics or conversations.

Whenever I see that I am getting a bit too excited or curious about a topic I am discussing with a person for the first time, I have to focus on my breathing, get back to a physical awareness of my own body so that I can ‘settle back’ in myself while also learning to listen to the other person or people in what they have to say and deliberately ‘contain’ myself whenever I want to reply too quickly or go into great depths too fast, too soon, too quickly with too much information towards the person.

Here I have to consider the context of the situation and instead of perceiving that ‘this is my last chance to talk to them about this topic,’ I can instead first get to know ‘where they’re at’ in relation to the topic or point that is being opened up, get to know them first through their words so that I can at the same time reply back with the intent of following through what they are sharing to me – and not within the attempt to ‘correct’ them or ‘lay out all the knowledge and information on that subject’ and giving it all too fast and too quick that can lead to confusion, overwhelmingness or a sense of ‘imposing’ myself towards the other person or people, which of course can lead to general communication disasters, lol.

I have to ensure that I am also slowing down in my diction in situations like these, where in my mind I am looking at the ‘whole’ construction of what I want to share and then try and speak all of that in one go to the other person, which results – yes, just like sometimes it happens in these blogs – in elongated sentences that might be difficult to grasp for another in one go, especially when introducing new concepts, ideas, considerations or perspectives that might be a bit harder to digest than any other ‘regular subject.’

So in essence, I have to let go of the ‘fears’ that are existing behind this notion of a ‘one time opportunity’ to communicate about certain topics with people, and instead be considerate of their ‘allocation’ in themselves, learn to ask more questions to see ‘where they’re at’ in relation to their awareness of that topic and share bits – instead of long threads of information – ask in a rather frequent manner if it makes sense and if it is understandable, so that if not, I can look at other ways in which I can explain the same points using different vocabulary or expressions – in essence, fine tuning my expression.

And as a last pointer here simply being more considerate to Listen to the other person, slow down at their pace of sharing, make questions that are simple to digest instead of getting ‘too deep too soon’ at a first-time approach.

At the same time, I have to practice giving little ‘doses’ of words at a time – which is very much related to me correcting old patterns of parroting knowledge and information – and instead consider what’s of real substance for another to grasp in that moment and practice on ways to simplify it, ‘cut it up’ in pieces because this facilitates understanding.

I can then ask something back to see the level of comprehension on those bits of information, then continue with sharing aspects that I have lived, practiced or applied myself, while continuing to give space for the other person to share themselves.

Here also in hearing and listening to another, I can practice being present in my body, becoming aware of ‘who they are’ in their words and stopping the inner-chatter that can be so distracting, because one ends up not ‘hearing’ the other – this means I have to stop participating in inner conversations while hearing others and stop all expectations, assumptions, disruptive or antagonistic judgments and simply focus on the words.

These are the main points I can see for now, in general a slooowing down in communication for me would be beneficial in this kind of topics, taming the ‘ego’ that can emerge as well whenever talking about certain topics that I’ve defined as ‘my interest’ and being willing to be humble in conversation with another, to learn from them, to see where they’re ‘at’ instead of me wanting to ‘change their minds’ in one go or ‘break their paradigm’ or ‘explain it all’ in ‘one go’ – lol.

Here also looking back at those moments where I became aware of all of these bits to change, it’s cool to be able to acknowledge it – otherwise, how else would I have spotted this if I hadn’t in a way ‘messed up’ in certain conversations? I’d say it was about time that I got to write about these points, so thanks to Miranda that brought it up.

Thanks for reading

 

 

 

Supportive interviews:


  1. The Power of Listening – Reptilians – Part 334


  2. The Power of Listening (Part 2) – Reptilians – Part 335

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


494. Self-Motivation: Do It For Yourself

Some years ago I wrote about self-motivation and it’s a recurring topic within me because this is probably one of the most challenging things I’ve had to face in this process, which is that of understanding what ‘myself-moving-for-and-as-myself’ in fact means, because as human beings we’ve always been motivated/moved/driven by energy in the form of fears or desires, by a particular set of achievements that we create as an ideal ‘out there’ that we push ourselves to obtain. I heard somewhere yesterday – or today – about a hypothetical case where someone based their entire life on obtaining something, and when they finally got it, they did not know what to do with themselves. Lol, it’s funny I can’t remember where I got it from but it stuck with me because it prompted me to realize how much we have driven the entirety of our creation based on ‘achieving’ something outside of ourselves or getting something that we believe will fulfill us or make us ‘feel better’… yet we can eventually ‘get that’ and realize there’s still this ‘void’ or ‘un-fulfillment’ within us, which is because we made that ‘something’ the core-drive of our every move, instead of making of ourselves the core-drive and motivation of our every move to be and create what we set ourselves to do in this world.

That’s why here I’d like to look at self-motivation.

See, the point is not so much about finding things to do ‘out there’ and making them our drive or purpose, because I consider giving ourselves a purpose is something that we all have to create in our lives in order to live in a supportive manner. The point here is to look at ‘who we are’ within that purpose and ensuring that we are the starting point and motive/motor of such purpose at the same time.

What does this in fact mean? It implies that one has to do it for oneself, even if that which we are doing, working on or creating is ‘for something else’ or even to serve a particular purpose in someone else’s life, the starting point has to always be oneself so that no matter what happens to that which we create or work on, we know that every single moment of breath and movement of ourselves was lived within the starting point of supporting ourselves, of living that ability to move, to live, to direct, to challenge ourselves, to persevere in doing something that ultimately makes us grow and become better individuals every day, no matter what the outcome is.

I am finding it a bit hard to explain what it is like to wake up every day and have oneself as a motivation and starting point for everything, where fear is not really a motivation, nor a desire for money, nor wanting to ‘get something’ in particular either, but simply moving throughout the day based on a set of principles where I have to essentially in every moment decide to ‘move me’, I decide ‘to do things’, I decide to ‘get out of my comfort zone’, I decide to do what needs to be done, what I need to direct, create, take care of and expand on.

In my experience, it has been a constant point to create an equilibrium on, that’s how I can best describe it because I have been one of those people that had mostly ever worked on things and been very diligent in stuff in order to get some recognition, to do something that’s ‘really great’ but still get my ‘share of applause’ back, and living for that is just something that invariably leads oneself to a low, because the starting point is then getting an experience that is entirely dependent on others, on likes/dislikes, judgments, opinions, perceptions, moods, biases, lol… and the plethora of human emotions and feelings that I could get back as a response to ‘what I do’ which I have realized throughout this process from consciousness to awareness that it became more of a petrifying-process than a gratifying one at the end of the day. I knew I had to completely let go of ‘others’ in my head or this something/someone else I was ‘moving myself for’ and be my own starting point to be, do, act, live and express myself.

Has it been easy? Nope, I’ve caught myself over the years many times fooling me that ‘this time I am doing it to support me’ but I wasn’t, I still would have some hidden agenda to do something, be something to ‘impress others’ or get some kind of recognition ‘from others’ – yep! That has been the core programming in me and so it is an every moment decision to focus back on myself, to do it for me, to express it as something that I do as myself, for myself, no expectations, no desires, no fears behind it.

It’s easy to say but it’s been quite a process where I many times still question my intent and purpose behind doing something, but at the same time I’ve also found that stopping questioning it assists in simply breathing through a moment, trusting myself and walking the creation of something and walking through the outcomes of it. This way, letting go of expectations is quite a supportive thing to do because in any case, any idea, judgment, perception that anyone may have about something I did or didn’t do, is still that, a point of expression coming from others that can surely can be a feedback point, but it comes as a secondary thing once that I first establish me, myself as my core and starting point to do things and ultimately doing what I do in the name of my own bettering as a person and standing as that one point in this reality that can at the same time contribute to creating what I’ve always wanted us all to create: better world, better lives for everyone.

An example with self-motivation and money.  If we judge a world where money defines the value of a person, or where money is defended and cared for more than someone’s life, we have to stop then also moving ourselves merely by a desire for money for example, and instead see the current necessity for money as something that enables us to keep living, to have a roof over our heads, to continue creating means of living, to be healthy – if we use the money properly, that is – but in this way of looking at it, money stops being an ‘end’ in itself, it only becomes a means to keep myself/ourselves alive in order to continue learning how to actually live in the best way possible where I can then be the best I can for myself and so for others, to truly ‘birth life from the physical’ as every word, every action, every decision that I can make through being alive, through having money to keep myself alive and well – that’s about it that I see for now with myself and money.

At the same time I salute everyone else that is conducting bigger projects with money and that’s quite awesome as well where the use and purpose of money is for the creation of a living-environment that can be replicated in many other places around the world and be of support not only to humans, but plants, animals and ecosystems alike. I suggest checking out Gian’s Earth Haven project for it, and that’s a great example of motivation as well where money is used in a direct and visible manner to educate, propose ways of living and actually build them out in reality.

 

I share my own example where assisting other people in this same process is motivated by a greater purpose that I decided to be a part of in this world, which includes me and everyone else’s life to be the best that we can create it to be. This then comes through my own dedication and building up of skills through the years, expanding my own understanding and potential where I can assist myself and others to be their best version of themselves. What I’ve come to discover is that I genuinely enjoy being able to assist people in birthing themselves/ourselves as life, to discover who we really are beneath the clogging-mess that we can create in our minds and that’s a purpose and point of self-motivation that I had sought in many places, in many ways but had not really found anything as personally fulfilling as being a buddy or life-birthing assistant – as I like to call myself – wherein I am learning so much more about myself and others which in a way I sought to do through arts like reading books, painting, looking at art or music, but none of it quenched my thirst so to speak.

It’s fascinating how the contact with human beings in a deeper manner and with a direct and concrete focus to better ourselves, to change ourselves for the best is precisely what I’ve found most fulfilling to do in my life, which is great because as I explained in yesterday’s blog, I didn’t ‘like people’ and I was directing myself to be as separated from people as much as I could, being engulfed in my own little realm of pseudo-comfort, not having to ‘deal with people’… but, it is in dealing ‘with people’ and actually getting to understand the sometimes ‘nonsensical’ experiences we create in our minds and learning to take on the challenge to step out of such limitations that I’ve found a self-fulfilling activity where not only do I stand as the origin and starting point of it, understanding that if this is what I can do and am good at doing, then I am fulfilling both purposes: what I am and stand for and move myself to support others in doing the same, which is also why I write these blogs as well.

Many times throughout the past every time that I started ‘second guessing’ sharing my writings was because I was not being ‘the starting point’ of those writings as myself – meaning I was not my own point of self-movement/self-motivation – but I was trying to ‘show’ something to others, I was trying to get a point across only ‘for others’ and that eventually becomes a trap of ‘doing it for others’ as in having ‘others as my motivation’ for me writing myself, instead of doing it as an expression, a movement, a decision I make and simply live out and do.

So this is how I remember I have been practicing – with its ups and downs, clearly – since I wrote the blog Self Will: If I don’t move … Nothing Moves back in 2011, how self movement and my own will, my own volition as a decision I live becomes ‘who I am’ with everything I do. It is liberating and empowering at the same time to see and try out ‘who am I’ if I move myself for myself, as myself, no hidden agendas, no expected outcomes, no desires hidden, no fears in it either… but only a plain decision to move, willing myself to do it and continue doing it as an expression, an extension of myself, an ‘I move me’ decision. It’s very simple really but in our minds it does mean a process of disengaging having ‘others’ in the back of our heads or a particular experience we might get out of it, or a particular ‘outcome’ or ‘result’ as an outflow of what we do and that’s been a continuous challenge for me that I have to essentially cut-off and let-go-of anytime that this ‘doing it for something/someone’ rears its head.

If I am Not doing it for myself or as myself, whatever it is that I am ‘motivating’ myself with to move, will eventually crash down only to take me back to base 1 where I have to again re-establish myself as my starting point of self-movement or motivation. And this is ok to repeat and do as many times as it is needed to stand up from this, because at least in my case it’s easy to step out of oneself and start creating motivation through a desire for an experience or particular outcome, which is when we stop being our own reason and starting point for self-movement, self-expression and self-motivation and we give ourselves away to something/someone else.

How to tell then if we are our starting point in whatever we are doing? By questioning our starting point in doing or not doing things, because oh boy, I’ve been there where ‘not doing something’ was also a way to make some kind of a statement ‘for others out there’ and it really was a waste of time and inertia for nothing. Therefore, all I can recommend is to make sure that whenever we see doing something ‘for others’ I can immediately look back at myself and see what I am willing to live and do as and for myself and remove ‘others’ as an idea in my head.

This is something I was recently pondering about in relation to my appearance and how I have shaved my head for 7 years now due to the commitment I made for/as/with myself, but lately I’ve been giving too much attention to ‘how it is seen by others’ and whether it is supportive to engage with others and creating a possibly ‘wrong first impression’… but upon writing this here on motivation or the ‘motive’ behind things I do, I realize that I am again in that doubtful stance where I am placing others in my mind first instead of myself, and this doesn’t mean not to consider feedback or comments about it, but in the end, I do have to consider myself: what I want, what I am in relation to this point of appearance and making sure that if I decide to stop doing it, it’s not based on what others are desiring of myself as a ‘look’ because it is ultimately ‘just a look’ – but it would only be an decision motivated by me, making a decision and living it out. It is a fine balance between righteousness and actual considerations, which is something I’ll simply look at whenever the point is here again, and that’s why I started off this blog by sharing how this is probably one of those ‘challenging subjects’ because there’s always a fine line between motivating oneself based on what we believe we ‘are’ for others or ‘should be’ for others, and being and doing so for ourselves, standing for ourselves and I’d say for the first time learn to have me-myself and only ourselves as a starting point and end-point in our minds.

In doing this, as it’s been said many times, if we are the best to and for ourselves, standing in authenticity and authority within ourselves, being the director and motive behind every move and every decision to live, change and express, then we entirely own ourselves, we are responsible of ourselves and we are then at the same time also an individual that is part of a whole that stands in self-responsibility, in self-creation. What a better way to ‘change the world’ but through doing this by and for each one of us, individually. That’s the real path to equality we’ve been looking for, that’s the real liberation that we’ve been demanding others to create for us… and that’s something that it is very much available for each one of us in our minds, bodies and beingness, lol, it takes a decision, a will and self-movement to live it and do it though!

So, that’s the challenge here for everyone and myself, to keep an eye on ourselves within our every move and try out asking yourself whenever you are unsure of ‘what’s moving you’: who am I doing this for? What am I looking for with doing or not doing this? What’s my starting point in this that I am about to create, express, change, do, move? And from there assess potential outcomes to see if they are genuinely supportive for oneself and so for others.

Though not to get confused with ‘likes and dislikes’ either. Many times we have to do things that we may NOT like to do, but again it’s not to get lost in the outcomes of say working in a particular job where the results are not necessarily that of ‘uplifting humanity’ but it is about being the starting point in the sense of the words we can live in such situations: the discipline, the motivation/movement in itself, the dedication, the management of our emotions and reactions in such situations, the relationships with others on a daily basis, the points that we can learn about ourselves in such situations and environments where we can instead expand ourselves beyond our preferences or personalities, the kind of habits that we can assist ourselves to make certain tasks or points of responsibility the best way that we can… there’s always room for self-improvement, no matter ‘what’ we have to do for a living or how we have to ‘spend our days’ in this world – it’s about who we are inside and doing it to support us, no matter what the ‘makeup’ of the reality we live in is like, this is all about who we are within ourselves in it.

Ok, long blog but, cool reflection for myself to continue grounding this self-trust on self-movement and learning from it.

Thanks for reading

 

waterfall

 

Join us in our process of Self-Responsibility as LIFE


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