Category Archives: Self Forgiveness

498. Deconstructing the Default Self-Specialness

Continuing from the previous blog

Here sharing Self-Forgiveness on the points I am committing myself to acknowledge as my creation, as my allowed participation in my mind that I want to change and turn into a supportive outcome for myself and the people I get to be involved with for a moment or for a lifetime.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a positive experience in relation to people with whom I have developed a relationship where there is kindness but at the same time there’s the awareness of them being ‘attending me’ as in being there to assist me, to care after me and getting what I am looking for in the shop – or simply having a chat in the meantime – wherein when I see that another person comes into the shop and the attention veers toward that other person, I have allowed myself to instantly go into a ‘lesser’ experience of myself which I’ve felt in my physical body as a tightness, a tension directly related to the presence of the other person, instead of realizing that this is the ‘default’ experience of ourselves at a mind level where I constantly can perceive myself as ‘special’ or ‘unique’ or ‘having a special spot’ yet forgetting that this is the default experience that we all have allowed ourselves when in our minds, therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in my mind reacting to another person’s presence and in doing so perceiving it as a diversion of attention from others towards them – instead of remaining attending ‘me’, which is very much an egotistical experience where I stop considering another person in that moment and go into this tension and frigidity in that moment, which I’ve come to see is me in my body and mind conditioning myself to create a momentary friction and conflict about the presence of another person, instead of embracing the presence of not only one person but any other person around me, realizing their equal ability to get the attention from the shop attendants and at the same time push myself to be able to look at them, interact with them if the opportunity arises and in doing so, practically walk through my initial tension or subtle reaction to another’s presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience in shops or other public spaces wherein there is supposed to be people ‘attending me’ and I get all the attention I require, and go into a subtle ‘low’ if the attention is given to someone else, which is very much also a programming I’d see as very common in me since being a little child, the youngest of the family, where I got all the attention and was quite spoiled in my own way, which led me to constantly add this ‘specialness’ to myself, who I am, what I do and if there’s someone else taking that one ‘special spot’ in whichever context, I then have allowed myself to go into a ‘low’ which is simply a perception of ‘me not getting all the attention’, but in common sense that’s how things should be and all that I require to do is to learn now to embrace any other person as an equal to myself, walk through my initial ‘discomfort’ toward them, understanding them as a ‘default’ reaction of myself in my mind-and-body so that I can then proceed to live the words of integrity and integration, embracing and equality towards others at any given time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in that ‘sinking’ experience within me upon noticing it was another young woman entering the shop and in that moment the activation of ‘women competition’ kicked in, in a very subtle manner wherein even if I am not thinking in competition terms, the tension, the discomfort that I experienced as taking over my physical body’s upper area is an indication that I am still reacting to the presence not only of other human beings in certain contexts, but specifically women where I then proceeded to feel ‘displaced’ in that moment where the conversation went towards here, wherein I went into a low and self-diminishment in that moment, which I saw and pushed through to remain in my usual presence, however the experience had already been developed, therefore

Whenever I am in any situation where I perceive that I am ‘alone’ and the attention is only ‘on me’ and I am creating a positive experience about it, I have to slow myself down to ensure that I am not going into a ‘high’ within me as the positive experience that can then rebound to a ‘low’ if the factors change in the moment and I stop getting ‘all the attention’ on me, because this then signifies that my interaction wasn’t entirely being in equality, in stability and comfort, because if it went into a ‘low’ all of a sudden, there had to be a pre-existent experience I was aware of.

So I can now practice this point where I can in those moments upon hearing or seeing that another person is also sharing that moment and ‘space’ in a shop or other place in a similar set up, I can breathe as a way to ensure that I am relaxed in my body and prevent through breathing the build-up of tension in my upper body, while I can deliberately remind myself to live the words embrace, equality, integration so as to ‘integrate’ the other people into the space as equals and embrace them, their expression in a way where I can be in their presence and remain comfortably in my body and even if the opportunity is there, proceed to interact and engage with them and have a chat if they also respond back in an equally open manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that there are such things as a ‘position’ of specialness and favoritism toward people wherein I have to let go of reassuring these ‘positions’ in my mind that I believe others have toward me and instead, fully develop my positioning as an equal in all aspects, which I recognize I’ve been doing better when it comes to supposed ‘hierarchical’ situations and learning to get past my elitist programming towards ‘others’ but I can still see this ‘regard’ that I’ve built towards myself in relation to how I expect to be treated as a signal that I have yet to completely let go of any default-specialness of my mind, any default ‘uniqueness’ and this can be practiced by focusing on breathing, stopping the insta-judgments of values based on appearance overall, based on gender, based on money, based on ‘positioning’ and in doing so, become the person that I want to be that truly embodies what it means to be equal to any other individual, where I don’t recreate the separations, the discriminations, the divisions that we’ve fueled in our minds based on a plethora of visual differences that are only that, a visual presentation but instead, learn to get to know each other as the words we speak and live, what we embody as ourselves because that’s where the real presence and essence of each other is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still carry on with a subtle, unspoken or ‘without thinking’ comparison or even rivalry towards other women specifically wherein I am the one that is instantaneously judging them as ‘more than me’ based on certain attitudes or physical appearance wherein I am completely becoming me as my mind that judges, that values appearances, that compares and creates a verdict of me being more than or less than others… none of this is who I really want to be in those moments because it only recreates the plethora of separations that we are seeing more and more prominently in our world.

Therefore I have to practice letting go of my ‘inertia’ to these ‘quantum-judgments’ and assessments that I get to become aware of only after they have happened in an almost ‘automated’ mode, but even that, I challenge myself to be able to stop this very silent, very physically ingrained habit of comparing, judging or going into a silent rivalry/competition toward other women that I’ve perceived as ‘more’ than myself, which only exists there if I am still regarding myself as ‘inferior’ in one way or another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from a very age not know ‘what to do’ upon noticing distinctive physical features and appearances of people around me wherein I learned to create notions of beauty based on appearance and particular traits, but wasn’t really aware how to actually create a meaning that is substantial for real beauty in a person, which I’ve established that is not limited to only the first layer we get to see through our eyes in one person, because that is definitely something that we can all see and sometimes even agree upon by default – but also to include the essence, presence and substance of a person, who they are as the words they live and speak, the kind of being they are in their lives which is what I’d like not only myself but more and more humans to focus on at the same time, because I’ve complained myself many times of living in a ‘shallow world’ where only appearances matter, but the aspect of the substance behind that first-impression appearance is what I’d like to focus on and get to know in a person, to then learn from them, get to embrace them as a being more than just an image, because I, myself, would not like to be diminished to only being an image either.

I commit myself to practice in those moments when acknowledging the presence of another person through hearing them coming in, to instead of ‘avoiding looking at them’ which is not done out of privacy or consideration, but out of avoidance as a reaction to see them with my eyes, I can then test out actually turning my head and looking at them so that I can make the decision to in that moment apply these words: embracing, integration, equality and so direct myself to focus on my own physical presence, my own body, ensuring I am not going into a tension and if that happens, I can simply focus on breathing so that I can dissipate the experience before it builds up at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to without intent and in a perception of ‘respecting others’ privacy’ – apparently – have done onto others what I dislike being done onto me, which is that of deliberately ignoring another’s presence yet only reacting at a physical level about their presence, which is very uncool and I simply do not want to be that kind of person that eventually gets to a point of looking away from people on purpose so as to not have to face the various reactions that could be coming up in those moments. I rather learn to face and embrace the reactions and comparisons I’ve created so that I can work on them first hand and practice, practice, practice as much as it is needed until the presence of another human being – male or female- becomes indistinct to myself, to the moment and can instead practice to embrace them, integrate with them in the moment because that’s exactly what I’ve liked others doing onto me and I am aware first hand of how cool that is for all of us, so I definitely want to be entirely clear within me in relation to people, especially considering those ‘first ever’ encounters where I don’t even know the person, yet I am ‘reacting’ to them? Doesn’t make any sense, really, and that’s what we are and have become in our minds: separation, not making any sense and simply causing friction and conflict by default, but now it’s entirely up to me to stand as the directive principle of myself in my mind and my body so that I can then decide who I am in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fueled in a very subtle manner this idea that I am ‘special’ and I deserve some kind of ‘special treatment’ wherein I believe that I am a person that ‘deserves’ something based on what I give, which should not be the case at all, because any kindness and consideration toward others is me giving it as an expression of myself, not as an ‘expected in return’ type of treatment which would only create the same kind of societies where we treat each other as walking numbers or assets, instead of redefining that value as the kind of person we are, the words we live, the actions we stand by and what we use our bodies, our minds, our words for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this ‘default’ existence of myself in this ‘special-mode’ self-experience wherein then it is easier to create any sort of inner-conflict and go into an inferiority-mode because we are the ones sustaining that ‘elevated’ sense of self that can be easily threatened and rocked when perceiving anything or anyone as ‘more than’ something that we are defining ourselves by as a judgment or a value, therefore this proves that any superiority or inferiority complex are nothing more than judgments, values and perceptions that I’ve accepted and allowed as ‘who I am’ which in turn, through this identification, becomes a way for me to react to certain people – or not – based on this default programming of ‘my identity’ being those experiences, those reactions, that superior or inferior experience which is by all means something that I commit myself to stop fueling even in the silent and most subtle physical experiences that I can instead open up, face, investigate for myself and turn this whole comparison and competition mode into a supportive outcome for myself and so for others.

I forgive myself that I have lived a contradiction in terms of wanting to stand as equal to every other person, but still create these comparisons, judgments, notions of value and worth towards others and seeing them as either ‘more’ or ‘less than’ myself, wherein I am in fact even in a silent manner, recreating the same mentality with which we’ve built this current world system, and I know for a fact It doesn’t serve life, it doesn’t have a default space for equality as life, therefore I/we have to be the people that can change our ways of interacting among each other if we truly want to create a world in equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation upon meeting people for the first time of creating an impression upon them of ‘me being unique and special’ wherein I am by default wanting to be the ‘attention grabber’ that wants to make an impression but not yet for all the best reasons, but still coming through with some ego, therefore I have to be more aware of my choice of words, attitudes, expression in general ensuring that it is not being done from the starting point of continuing and feeding this ‘attention seeker’ or ‘attention grabber’ in me, and instead develop humbleness as a modest self that I can live with and stand by eternally as who I am, because it won’t be defined by highs or lows of energy, but instead expressing and allowing the real me to come through as a presence that I can definitely see is possible to continue developing, growing and expanding as myself in more moments of my reality.

I realize It is a matter of being aware of myself at a physical level, being aware of the subtle changes experienced at a physical level as sudden undercurrents that come up and transform into tensions or stiffness and in that moment investigate, look at what’s the programming that’s being triggered and so proceed to apply the words that I see would be most supportive in that moment.

This way, the practical application is an opportunity that exists whenever and wherever I see myself with more people in a context where I have created a ‘positive relationship’ towards something or someone and in that, making sure that I can ‘share’ that something or someone with others without reinforcing a sense of ownership or dominion over others, because that’s certainly not what I want to be and do, I want to stand in humbleness and equal-stance toward others, as well as letting go of notions of specialness or positivity attached to people, places or situations so that no matter where I am, I am here, I am expressing me without ‘highs or lows’ but practicing a continuous embracing of others in the space around me, and also get to chat with them or get to know them better as part of our shared moment and reality, no matter how short or long it might be.

Thanks for reading

 

Silent Interplays

 

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495. Debunking Worry as Care

Or how to stop being a worrywart: a person who worries too much or who worries about things that are not important 

I described myself today as this because I’ve noticed how I’ve connected a sense of ‘worry’ to the word ‘care’ wherein I’ve learned to believe that the way to care about others is through worrying about them or if I ‘care about the world’ then I should worry about it all the time. Well, that’s one of the reasons why I ended up in continuous experiences of ‘feeling down’ because I have made it an automated mode in myself to over-think, over-analyze things too much wherein ultimately in an attempt to care and consider for others, for things happening in reality, for consequences that we can touch, breathe, eat every single day I attach too many thoughts around it all, which lead me to a situation of worrying about everything.

And the interesting thing is that I had not identified it as ‘worry’ per se, but today I was simply walking on my way back home and I saw a mother with a kid coming out of the pre-school and started walking in front of me. So this is more or less how thoughts went in my head: the kid was drinking something that I immediately judged as ‘unhealthy’ due to all the colors and tetra-pack it came in – and the kid was wearing a sweater in what I perceived as scorching hot sun, which I considered as a ‘neglectful thing to do’ from the mother towards the kid’.  I interpreted that the mother probably didn’t have money to buy him something healthier to drink, I assumed that the kid had no voice of his own to just take it off by himself; I interpreted that his pants were too long so that they can ‘last longer’ and so mother doesn’t have to go spending more on him every time the child grows, I assumed that they are having money-worries.  I interpreted that she is probably holding him that forcefully because she is pressured by lack of money, by her work, having to rush in some kind of ‘special permit’ at work to pick up her son, not being able to be a stay at home mother probably, yet talking to him that way, I interpreted that she probably didn’t even want to have the child in the first place = I worry about the kid, I worry about the future he will become as part of our society, what kind of ‘citizen’ he’ll grow to be and worry that this is the same story repeating a million times in this country and world and so multiply ‘his experience’ into that of millions worldwide.

Yeah, no kidding, hello! Welcome to Marlen’s thoughts throughout a couple of minutes of walking behind a woman and her son. Now, in my mind this is like ‘a usual thing’ where I observe and ‘compose’ an entire series of assumptions and stories wherein I try to make sense of what I may perceive as ‘forceful movements’ or ‘the kind of clothes they wear’ or the way they are speaking to each other and in essence, all these stories usually end up in tragedy in my head, I worry for that moment upon seeing them that the child will end up lost in drugs and doing something he never wanted to do in his life… and if I look at ‘who I am’ in this moment is essentially worrying, worrying, worrying and believing that ‘I care’ for others when I do all of these interpretations.

And this is something I’ve been more directly observing as of late because I haven’t really made it a point to consider how Exhausting it is to go seeing everything and everyone through the eyes of ‘it’s all a consequence, it’s fucked because it’s our creation and we’ve fucked up within ourselves, therefore what we see and every single thing that happens here is just ‘wrong’ because of that’  And in a way sure it has allowed me to no longer see the lives of everyone and the reality we live in as something that was ‘done onto ourselves’ but I push to see it as our collective creation. However, this still doesn’t have to come with a pinch of worry and sadness or temporary ‘low’ upon seeing reality, because I can ultimately choose and decide Who I Am in the face of it all, and worry is certainly not something that will change anything, it doesn’t make me care more because ‘caring’ cannot be something I give to every single person and bit of reality I encounter in front of my eyes, it’s not practical, it’s not common sensical or possible to do.

This is also one of the reasons why I became a bit too emotionally involved in seeing certain disruptions in my reality at the beginning of last month as well, where a part of me wants to ‘feel’ the worry and concern because of associating this with care.

When I see the words worry and worrywart, I can associate it with both sides of my family, my aunts on both sides especially and my grandmother and my own mother and my own sisters… lol like a female design of worry, worry, worry as a sign of care and it’s not needed, it only truly deviates myself from the potential that exists in everything and everyone and instead I keep focusing only at the level of ‘seeing the problem’ and participating in the problem through me spending those breaths of life Worrying about it all, so:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate the action of worrying with that of care towards others, making it a sign of understanding or solidarity, when in fact worry does nothing to actually assist me in sorting something out in reality nor does it assist me in actually changing my emotional experience, therefore I commit myself to stop, breathe and ‘swipe’ the thought and experience of worry about everything and everyone that I see, which means stopping seeing through the eyes of despair or problems everywhere and instead decide to first stop the judgments I tend to add towards the reality that I see and instead, assist myself to focus on the potential, how the consequences could be prevented, how outcomes can be supported or ameliorated, yet beginning with myself by ensuring I do this without becoming emotional about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the experience of worry as a ‘natural way of looking at people and this world as a whole’ wherein I have made myself believe that there is no other way to look at this world, people and reality but through the eyes of worry, despair, pointlessness as momentary flicks of attention given to ‘the problem’ instead of me focusing on the solution as myself by stopping worrying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my nature is that of ‘being too caring’ towards others wherein in my mental equation of ‘caring’ = worrying, I’ve become the embodiment of ‘constant worry’ which is also what I got to see in my facial expression in many videos in the past that I recorded where my face denotes worry, fear, sadness and it is nothing else but the condensation of this ‘auto-mode’ that I’ve fueled and created as ‘who I am’ in those seemingly fleeting moments where ‘nothing’ seems to happen yet I am seeing/observing people, reality around me and reading a bit too much into everything, taking myself to a level of worry and concern based on my own interpretations, my own assumptions that I project onto people and everything around me, which serves nothing and no one really. I am not practically making the world or others’ lives better by me making stories of suffering and despair around them as the reason ‘why’ I see them in this or that way.

I realize that I have tended to wear the worrywart filters on my eyes for far too long and that means I have made it almost a ‘natural state’ and condition in me, to assess everything through the eyes of worry, suffering, despair, sadness, enslavement… but reality just is, people just are what they are and I have to practically stop reading ‘into’ others for the sake of feeding this worrywart view of mine about virtually everything and anything in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to learn from the females in my family and extended family that worrying is a natural thing to do when caring about someone which is how I’ve developed this worry-care in my head in an attempt to make myself aware of others’ problems and hardship, but even in doing this, it can be done and looked at in a sober manner where I don’t have to emotionally invest myself in worrying about it as in being emotionally affected by it, but learning to see things objectively, for what they are, because I now realize that worrying is not the same as care and real care would be to actually practically assist the people or that situation to a better outcome – if it is in my capacity and ability to do so, because I cannot go practically changing ‘the world’ based on what I may see or assess about other people’s situation or the condition of a particular environment and pretend I can do things alone to change it. I have to be common sensical in this and be able to let go of my thoughts of worry about something, and rather apply care first toward myself by caring for myself, my body and not generating emotional and mental burdens at any given moment.

I saw this today as well where first I saw one pigeon walking next to us when entering one place and the next moment when we’re out, bam, there’s a pigeon squished on the pavement. I got worried about it instantly, as a form of ‘care’ but seriously, there was nothing I could do to prevent it, and so my worry and care are useless once that the consequence is there.

So I commit myself to look at reality with a different pair of eyes, wherein I first focus on me stopping my worrywartness experience and instead learn to see objectively how there’s a plethora of things that are out of my hands to prevent or directly change in their nature or outcomes, but I can focus entirely on myself, stopping existing in worry as fears or imagining ‘the worst’ in any moment and so stopping becoming that expression myself, because I realize it supports no one, it doesn’t assist me to grow or become a better person either, doesn’t make me more ‘considerate’ either, because worry is an emotional experience and consideration is a regard, a moment where I can acknowledge something without the added emotion into it. And that’s what I can focus on developing within myself: sticking to common sense and stopping seeing through the veil of worry as care.

So here looking at the word ‘preoccupy’ as a similar word to worry and also in Spanish ‘preocupar’ contains the words pre-occupy as ‘before or prior to occupying’ which is precisely indicating how futile it is to worry about something instead of directly occupying oneself in doing the things that we have to get to or do, and in this context my immediate self-responsibility is that of not participating or entertaining thoughts that usually lead to projecting, imagining and assuming a lot that goes on through the ‘worry’ experience, therefore I have to focus back on myself, precisely on not feeding this experience and instead seeing reality objectively, in stability, understanding the consequences, acknowledging the outcomes without emotional investment.

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Now I See

 

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491. From Tantrums to Self-Responsibility

After I wrote yesterday’s blog I kept looking at how we all have tantrums and they appear in various ways/manners like anger, frustration, hopelessness, despair, guilt, shame, regret, victimization, revenge, addictive behaviors and the source of it all which is blame in which we make ourselves believe that we are powerless to change things, to change the outcome of our creation, when it is really not so.

 

So in my case I’ll look at how I have created a pattern of using a high pitched voice in order to shift away my responsibility and so manipulate others to make themselves responsible or at fault for something.

It’s also interesting because when I had the chat with my mother, many times throughout my life whenever I have had my anger tantrums, she’s said: ‘you should have a mirror in front of you to see how you look like when you react like this’ and this was precisely mentioned in some recent interviews as well wherein, we could record ourselves while being in some anger possession or victimization possession and take a look at how our entire facial expression changes and in my case eyes widen up and all the muscles on the face tense up and in general, yeah let’s accept it, we look demonic to say the least. Well that’s ourselves allowing ourselves getting possessed in a series of gestures/mannerisms and voice tonality – of course words in that – which want to point fingers at/blame others for something that we have caused and created ourselves.

 

And I know how this looks in others but have I really looked at myself in the mirror in those moments, not really but I have played around enough in front of the mirror with different faces to know how scary it might look in fact, but the point is precisely to realize how we physically express ourselves when bringing through/channeling an energetic experience in ourselves, be it only a voice tonality or a complete set of facial expressions and even behaviors that become tantrumy like kicking stuff or throwing stuff around, which I’ve done in the past several times when possessed in complete anger. It’s not fun, I mean it solves nothing yet for some reason we allow ourselves to act out that energy that has been also piled up from a long time. So the solution is to go taking responsibility for our own creation, to be willing to look at how we got to create something and in doing so, remind ourselves of our ability to direct the situation without having to be reacting/going mad about it.

For some people this might sound common sensical, but for some others like with myself, it’s been life-long patterns where I can easily flare up to a boiling point and any outcome from it has never been anything good, but the other way around, a source of shame and regret for allowing myself to be so pissed off about something that I try to destroy everything around me in an attempt to ‘sort out the problem’ which is not the point at all.

Here I’ll look into using the voice tonality of disempowerment, victimization, whiney/why-me voice that has been such a prominent thing in me since childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a voice tonality that is high pitched containing strains of complaint, blame, frustration and victimization wherein I use it every time that I want to make someone else responsible for what I’m experiencing, for what I did or didn’t do and at the same time, it is implying a manipulation point wherein I want to sound ‘distress’ so that others will want to  ‘do whatever they can’ to make me happy/stable again if I keep talking this high-pitched and whiney, complainer-mode, when in fact this is nothing else but a series of reactions that I have created in order to abdicate my responsibility from what I caused or created, did or didn’t do.  The core of this is precisely seeing how I’ve adopted a manipulation expression from a very young age which I remember hearing possibly sisters do and so seeing how parents would obey to such whiney tones and do whatever they could to sort out the situation, when in fact what should be done by parents is Not to react to a tantrum, not to be moved at all by this manipulation tonality and instead keep firm and stable to common sense, to ensure that self-responsibility is explained to the kid from a very early age, so that next time we as kids can actually desist from even going into the ‘whiney’ mode because we will know by default that it won’t change anything and so, we rather focus directly on sorting things out, creating solutions or simply assuming and living through the consequence the best way possible to learn from it, and so prevent it in a future time.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to activate this whiney mode with people with whom I’ve grown to be very comfortable with like my parents and my partner, wherein I’ve noticed many times that I’m using this ‘whiney mode’ when I’m actually manipulating them to do something for me that I am not being willing to do, like assume my responsibility within something and instead use this whiney-tonality as a way to get them do as I say, which is tyrannical to say the least but unfortunately it did work some times while growing up which is why I have adopted this mixture of reactions as disempowerment, victimization, complaint, frustration, powerlessness into a voice that I expressed in order to manipulate others around me to get to ‘sort things out for me’ as I’ve usually done when I was a child and saw ‘parents’ as the ones that could ‘sort my mess out’ – not realizing that this is how we all become dependent on an ‘authority figure’ to sort things out for us, where we don’t learn of our creations and consequences, and instead simply learn to ‘throw tantrums’ to sort things out, which is nothing else but acting out in our minds to have someone else ‘do the work for us’ – this is the origin of self-irresponsibility and personal disempowerment at the same time, because then we will always be depending on ‘others’ to sort out our lives and experiences. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate people with a voice tonality that is a common way to get people to believe ‘I am in discomfort, I am not having a good time about something’ and so through the voice tonality attempt to manipulate others to attend my plea, to get to fix something for me, to do something for me that I am not willing to do out of laziness, out of not wanting to assume my responsibility or simply out of convenience, wherein each time I do notice a moment afterward that I have just manipulated another one to do this for me, and it’s not a great experience at all because I notice how ‘easy’ it came out and how ‘easy’ it was to obtain the desired outcome.

 

The correction point here is committing myself to be more aware of myself whenever I am already seeing myself preparing to bring out the ‘whiney-voice’ that is attempting to manipulate or show disempowerment about something – even complaint – so that ‘others’ can step in and ‘help me’ with things, which is where I have to stand on my ground, don’t give into my own sense of disempowerment and be self honest: taking responsibility for the things I am attempting to get others to do for me, not giving into the law of the least effort that seeks to manipulate others to do things for me – and as well, whenever I see that I genuinely could ask for help in doing something, I can do so in a stable, sober voice making a simple question that prompts an answer of yes or no to assist me, instead of having to bring out all sorts of reasons and justifications to get someone to ‘help me’ or ‘do something for me’ which are all unnecessary really and have become more of a mind habit than a real self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief that the ‘whiney mode’ is a ‘cute way’ to ask for things, linking this to myself as a child where I genuinely had to ask others for certain things, so it became convenient for me to at times seek to be ‘the grown up’ and sometimes remain as a child that can still ‘go into disempowerment’ in order to manipulate others to do things for me, which I have to definitely grow out of no matter how subtle this pattern is in the way I speak it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have criticized many times people in my past – as friends/ people I knew – that I noticed would speak in this childish/whiney voice whenever they were asking something they wanted to their parents or partners and I would go into a judgment toward them of being ‘too childish’ and manipulative – again, forgetting that that which I am judging in ‘others’ exists in myself and I missed out investigating it within me first of all, which I can see now is very much still alive as a pattern in me, which hereby I commit myself to stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conveniently speak in a high pitched voice whenever I am attempting to present myself as ‘needing help’ or ‘wanting someone to do something for me that I want’ which is a form of manipulation not only towards others, but towards myself, wherein I know I am becoming a fake expression of myself since I am aware that my voice in a ‘normal state’ is not at all whiney or high pitched, but can be very stable, settled, deep and without any ‘dramatization’ involved, so here I commit myself to not only become more aware of how I speak towards those people that are closest to me in a continuous basis = therefore that I’ve become more comfortable with, but also how I do this with strangers like with people I need to ask a favor of or need help of something with, to know that asking for a favor, asking for help does not need this whiney tonality to make it easier to get a ‘yes’ for support.

Here is then how I can stop this ‘whiney’ programming for once and for all, within and without of myself because if I can learn how to ask in a stable and regular voice manner –  I can then support to stopping the chains of patterns around manipulation and victimization linked to voice manipulation or high pitched tonalities of disempowerment,  based on the awareness that these are not best for all habits and ways that I would like to feed as part of our patterns in humanity.

Hereby then I commit myself to acknowledge my responsibility first of all Before jumping into an exertion of responsibility to others, attempting and/or seeking to get a solution from others to my situation through whining about it and instead, asses my responsibility, acknowledge the consequences, learn from them and move on.

Otherwise if I see that there is a point where I can genuinely ask others for support, I can do so in a stable, deep voice wherein I no longer manipulate myself or others, but be willing to accept a ‘no’ as an answer and be ok with it, knowing that at least I didn’t fall into a manipulation pattern to ‘get a yes’ – or get beyond my belief that I need to ‘manipulate’ with a childish/whiney voice in order to ‘get a yes’ to support me, and realize that what matters is the words and the asking, not the voice tonality or theatrics around it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recreate the childhood patterns in me towards my mother every time that I take advantage of my relationship with my parents and bring up this ‘spoiled’ attitude of using a whiney voice whenever I want to get things to be done ‘my way’ or do ‘what I want’ and still manipulate through words and voice tonality, even attitudes in order to get my point of self-interest and satisfaction, which is really unacceptable to be continuing in me and so, I commit myself to stop seeing my parents as people that I can ‘still manipulate’ in one way or another through words, voice tonalities and instead, see them as my equals wherein I first make sure I take my own responsibility and create my own solutions, rather than seeing it ‘easy’ to just ask them for a solution or to fix something for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use whiney voices asking something from my partner where the intent behind it is to appear less ‘bossy’ towards him and something that I request and ‘soften the blow’ of asking something, instead of realizing that this is really deceptive and it does nothing, because if I was in his shoes, I’d appreciate a sober, frank and direct asking – as he is – rather than using manipulative ways to get things done. Instead I have to practice asking directly, without expectations, without manipulations, without ‘intentions’ as experiences in my voice in order to get my desired outcome, but be devoid of a hidden agenda and learn to simply ask, in a simple, stable and sober manner in my expression, which I commit to develop and practice every moment that I get an opportunity to do so from now on.

Time to grow out of these whiney patterns

 

Thanks for reading

 

Why why why whiney me

 

Join us in our process of Self-Responsibility as LIFE


488. Social Expectations and Self-Honesty

Or how to face a situation like a funeral in a balance of what is politically correct and what is our genuine expression in the moment.

For the last two days I was in a situation of facing the death of a close person and the attendance of a funeral for the second time ever in my life and to say the least, I had not yet created a way in which I can trust myself in those situations considering there are several aspects that I got to take into account, leading to a situation where I doubted myself at times that can be uncomfortable yet entirely self-created of course. So I’ll share here the raw process of me going through the whole lay out of the points and the self-forgiveness process wherein I establish common sense and points for me to correct/align in future similar situations.

Even if I had dealt with the sadness point about this person eventually dying it an accepting it, realizing that as we know, no one ever really dies and he’s probably facing his process in the afterlife right now, at the same time having to also be participating in all the processes that come after the person dies with the family became a new set of situations that I had not faced in my life therefore they became quite a part of myself to get to know and investigate further.

First of all, saw a dead person for the first time in my life. I saw myself not wanting to do it based on some kind of fear of ‘seeing a dead person’ but I did it in order to do it for once and for all and I found it a bit disturbing to say the least, I judged doing so as a form of morbid move as if there was something ‘to see’ in a dead body at the same time, which ended up being a printed image in my mind that I got stuck on for some time, seeing myself imagining how I would look dead, how my partner would look dead, how my parents will look dead and in that moment I said to myself like ‘whoa wait a minute what am I participating on?’ which was of course just a mental stimulation with no practical use, not even if for the purpose of getting comfortable with the idea of all of us dying at some point anyways, because it’s not here so, just indulging in imagination about it won’t certainly be supportive at this very moment.

Many times before I’ve skipped funerals altogether, I did not see the point and also feared seeing others sad and so fearing myself becoming sad and in a powerless situation. But after a while of reading others’ experiences and considerations around funerals, I decided to attend and be part of most of the processes involved in it this time and ensuring that I was making a decision to do so as my own volition, not self-compromise, but this wasn’t entirely so in various moments where I consider I succumbed my idea/belief or perception of what others’ expectations were based on the situation, where I saw myself being torn into what I consider my self-honesty in those moments and doing what I thought was going to ‘please others’ based on expectations of what to be and do in such situations where people are visibly mourning.

One thing I recalled from my first funeral I attended back in 2001 is how I could not feel a thing, therefore I started thinking myself into sadness in order to cry and then feel like I had been up to the expectations of what goes on in a funeral. This time I decided to be there for my own sake and to be with my family which I can say is my family even if ‘political’ but have spent many times together with them so, yep it was  of course sad for me but we got to know of this situation coming more than a month ago, so there was time to process it yet I found myself still not entirely settled in ‘who I am’ in moments of mourning and what to say or do to support others.

So here I’m starting to investigate my experience and make sense of it: what am I aware of? I made the decision to be accompanying the family in all the processes, from the waiting of the funerary services, which means seeing the body on the bed ‘as is,’ to seeing it leave to the funerary, to accompanying it to the funerary, to waiting for it to be received, etc. I saw it also as a learning experience, a first time in it all while also wanting to be of support in any way I could around there.

This part I found myself a bit too clumsy on, which might be a judgment. To me there was not so much of a point to have so many considerations for a body there, while I know that the being is no longer there and then it’s just a matter of rather being there for the family. It was surprising to find out about all the procedures and legal situations that need to be directed when a person dies – again, it was a learning experience but I also saw myself a bit conflicted in terms of whether I had to present myself in a particular situation or not. I decided to simply be a point of tranquility and stability during that phase to assist in any  way I could – but there wasn’t anything I got to actually ‘do’ in it all but just be there.

This ‘just be there’ clicks in me as if it was something that was ‘not enough’ or ‘minimal’ but it is me, it’s my presence, not defined through a ‘doing’ per se, but we were there the same way that we had been with all the same people in previous family reunions.

When I saw that I got a bit too conflictive was when it comes to assessing what was ‘sufficient’ in terms of time and moments of being there with the family and it was actually many hours throughout the past two days, practically whole afternoon until midnight in all the processes and even if we were suggested that we could leave at any time, I would assess ‘in my mind’ based on ‘what is acceptable and what is not’ by others, how ‘others’ would see it and in this is where self-compromise existed. I didn’t want to leave the spot, I didn’t want to cause an impression of ‘not caring about the person’ because in fact even if my interaction with the person wasn’t ‘that much’ every time it was actually very genuine and that’s what I am most grateful for about that situation that we could go beyond ‘age difference’ or ‘roles’ and speak frankly about things, which is also he liked about myself and my partner, not really ‘playing a show’ or being hypocritical as he would say, but just ‘be ourselves.’

So, in those moments of facing some coldness and hunger at times, some sleepiness too, I saw that I wanted to ‘stick up’ to being strong or resilient and supportive, while at the same time doubting myself altogether whether I should be there or not, whether it was of any support for others or not, whether it was best for us to leave or not, so in essence deciding to stick by based on doing it for others, to accompany them and also in a way of considering the memory of the person that died even though I know that he’s not ‘here’ or near his body but possibly walking his life review right now.

I decided then that we should stick through it all from beginning to end, taking some breaks in between but it was my first ‘full-fledged’ process of funeral in my life and I can use this experience as a way to learn more about myself in a situation like that and also confronting the point of judging myself as ‘not sure of myself’ in many situations or how to ‘act’ towards some people, because sometimes one doesn’t feel sad and I tend to be very transparent about it then judging myself as possibly being perceived that ‘I don’t care enough because I’m not sad or concerned’ which I did challenge as a belief within myself, not playing an emotion as a form of empathy towards others, while at the same time yes considering others’ pain and sorrow, and in some points yes admitting that I cried along with seeing some family members cry at the same time as a realization of their loss and that’s where I pushed myself to give a hand, to caress their back and simply be there for support .

Therefore I see that I have to let go of the judgment towards my actions in wanting to frame them as adequate or not, good enough or not, because as much as there are ways and certain politics or protocols in such situations, I can create an equilibrium between yes, adapting myself to it without compromising myself too much.

Where did I see the compromise? Well, when the coffin was open and the body was inside, people were going to greet it and say their goodbyes. I could not rationalize that it would have any meaning other than looking at an image of the person in the body and upon seeing everyone’s reaction to it, I considered that it was also a bit of a morbid situation, while at the same time rationalizing that ‘ok, it’s just a dead body, if I am resisting looking at it again, it’s based on the first impression I had the day before I saw the body ‘raw’ on the bed where he died’ and this time he already had some touch ups from the funerary, so I decided to look at the body and then the inevitable happened of course, the image triggered the actual realization of ‘the person is dead’ and you won’t ever see him again. So, there I cried a bit again which a part of me wanted to prevent and suppress while another was saying just let go and cry it out, while at the same time judging the emotional aspect of myself since it seemed ‘out of my control’ to handle.

In essence, yes as one can read, I was in a constant assessment and questioning of ‘what would be best for all’ to do in those moments, so I decided to not look at what I would like to do that much, but more look at others, the reason for this funeral to exist is not so much for the dead person – he’s not here anymore –but for the family, and that’s something I kept reminding myself so focused on being there as a point of presence for my family, for the family in general and as partner says, we are part of a social situation so we have to participate the same way others do and yes, learn from this situation for future ones because death is the most certain thing that happens to every person and not even our ‘tomorrow’ is secured, to any of us.

I also practiced simply breathing and being quiet within myself in those moments where there wasn’t really ‘much to do’ or not much happened. I also didn’t go into participating in the thoughts or memories about the person because I knew that would be a direct trigger to start crying or being sad about it, and I didn’t do that. I focused on what was in my surroundings and learned to be there with others in a similar manner, while at the same time ensuring I am not taken over in any emotional way, except for the couple of crying moments that didn’t last long.

I realize I have to also let go of judging myself if getting emotional in a situation like that. As it’s been shared in some material, one can cry and let it all out as a point of release, but at the same time ensuring that one is not ‘thinking oneself into crying’ either.

It also was an interesting situation because funerals and the death of a relative are such ‘common situations’ but funnily enough I had avoided going at those for such a long time, though due to the closeness with this person, I genuinely decided to be part of it, which is cool, I can see that I decided to live the word Empathy here in the sense of not become equally sad as everyone there, but decide to stand as a presence that can be more stable, breathe, and simply be there as a person that is there in the memory of the person that died and to be with the family. Here I have to for a moment be considerate and let go of more of my ‘radical self’ that would say that it is all useless as he’s not ‘there’ anymore and it is only a way to cry-out many regrets, fears or projections of our own death, but nope, I decided to be clear within me and not project, not judge others but there still was more of a questioning on how adequate I was in those situations – and instead learn from it, not judge myself over it, because it is in fact something relatively new.

We can only learn from making either decision – one or the other – because as partner says, if one see-saws then there are fears and then I have to look at what were those fears which I can see are related more into ‘what others might say’ rather than learning to trust myself, my consideration and not fearing making a ‘mistake’ in such a ‘delicate situation’ but all of these are like ‘special values’ I’ve attached to a situation like a funeral, which I should start embracing as any other part of our social interactions too.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto others ideas, beliefs and expectations about ‘how I should be and behave’ and in this compromising myself within these beliefs within me that I thought I had to ‘stick to’, which actually I ended up shattering once that I saw how the whole funeral indeed became like a small reunion of the family where eventually the sadness and protocol were past and people were able to relax a bit after some of the processes involved in the funeral were done, as well as realizing that I had created this whole idea about funerals in my head, from movies or situations that are not realistic in how things and people actually go and behave in them, so I confirm my own brainwashing, lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my actions and interactions during a funeral as inadequate or possibly not good enough when there is actually no ‘standard’ for it all nor is there any morality that I should adjust to, other than instead going in accordance to the actions and activities that are part of the funeral and remain in stability while being accompanying others in such moments, letting go of the idea that I have to ‘be sad or show sadness’ and instead continue pushing myself to be ok with being stable and rather of a supportive stance in the midst of it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge crying in a funeral as a weakness, as a form of ‘being in my mind’ upon seeing the person in the coffin which actually could have also triggered the idea of ‘no longer seeing the person around’ while at the same time remembering the times with them,  while at the same time invariably considering the death of everyone around me in that moment as something that I’ll face in one way or another – therefore, I can embrace death, death people as in dead bodies in front of me and see them for what they are, matter, while reminding myself that this funeral process is more for the living than the dead and that no matter ‘who dies’, I am here, I am breathing and anything I am fearing in relation to death I have to process for myself from the get go in order to not be holding on to judgments, ideas, beliefs around death and funerals and the social situation in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea that I should be ‘beyond’ this situation of funerals in terms of getting emotional in it, which can instead create a suppression if I have already participated in any form of sadness around it and as such, releasing it through crying makes sense for the body and myself, instead of holding myself back and causing more suppression in my body which I consider I created in me, experiencing a flu at the moment which sounds like a participation in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fears around the future of my parents dying, others in that same funeral dying and how I’ll have to take care of the situation which I managed to also turn into a constructive discussion with my parents to get to know more of the facts around their funerals and time of death, which has also become very much like a taboo topic that over the years I’ve been opening up more, but I could see how based on reactions I saw they had upon touching the subject, it was definitely not a ‘desired topic’ but they were ok to explain some things, which is cool and in this I rather turn those ‘fears’ into something practical where I know where I can look at the prevention and practicality of these points to look at.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into a future projection of how hard it must be to have parents die and how much I will cry or suffer when they are gone, and in doing so don’t stop myself from indulging into this imagination, wherein even if it could be a practical imagination and I considered how it would be reasonable to cry and be sad, there was also a fear of ‘not being able to be stable enough’ or ‘losing my ground’ which I rather hereby let go of the judgment towards a situation as the death of relatives, family, friends, partners that I will most likely face in my lifetime and instead be ok with whatever emerges in that moment, not judging sadness for the death of someone close to me as a weakness or a fall, but instead seeing it as a momentary process that I will also overcome with time and self-support, so here realizing that death of others is not the end of the world, no matter how hard it is at times, I am here, I’m breathing, I’m alive and so I rather not look too much into a future that I cannot ensure for myself either and instead, I can trust myself that when the time comes, I can deal with the situation in self-support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have tried to ‘break the taboo’ around the topic of death through speaking about it, asking how I would like to be buried or how others would like to be buried while at the same time still doing so within an inherent fear of actually having to face such moments – so here applies the point of ‘who we are’ in what we do, because even if I might seem comfortable in asking these questions and they can be in fact genuinely supportive to look at for practical reasons, if I am still existing as fear of facing those moments, then I am still having to let go of the fear of ‘what if’ for a future moment, stick to my present and trust myself I’ll be able to handle it when time comes, because death is the only certainty that we all have in this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear of loss toward the people that are close to me and wanting to believe that ‘I’ll survive it, I’ll be strong about it’ when in fact I don’t know and can’t know, and have to accept that it might not be an ‘easy time’ for me, yet what I do know is that  I can eventually overcome it with continuing focusing on living and supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-doubt about my actions and ways in general during a funeral wherein I am focusing more on what I am ‘for others’ and doing what is ‘expected’ instead of rather deciding to be the directive principle of myself there, doing what others do that I find is supportive like being there with the family, without indulging into emotions if they are not ‘here’ – meaning, not pretending for the sake of empathy – and at the same time, not judging myself if I do become emotional in them, wherein then I can come and write and see what other fears or points opened up in my through this experience and so instead of seeing this experience through the eyes of ‘fearing making a mistake’ or ‘not being up to the expectations’ – which are my own anyways – I can learn from myself in those contexts and continue being honest with myself about my experience, while realizing that I can stabilize myself and I can prevent emotional buildups through writing and reasoning through a death process as a preventive measure, but at the same time, not to judge if I cannot ‘contain’ myself in those moments. What matters is being able to stand up from those moments, not judging myself for being ‘at my weakest’ during the death of a person close to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wanted to play the strong one that doesn’t cry at all and that is ever stable when I have to also be self-honest in my experience and be ok with me being sad or crying at a funeral, while also keeping an eye on not being entertaining memories or ideas that lead to a continuous crying that is then being constantly generated by the mind and that I consider will also depend on the relationship with the person, the time spent with them and so not judging others when I do see them ‘break down’ and be very sad in those moments of mourning the death of a loved one. I have to embrace those situations as aspects of our humanity that might be difficult to completely face with zero emotions. Therefore not to judge myself as emotions, but rather ensuring I am not manipulating myself into emotions and instead let them out once that they are there and support myself to stand up again from such times/moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that we will miss him in family reunions because of his good sense of humor, kindness and embracing towards us for who we are, understanding our sometimes unconventional ways of being and enjoying that of ourselves, believing that then ‘no one’ will have that same stance towards ourselves, but here I can then apply the ‘miss-him’ to me-is-him realization whenever in future moments it comes up that we are missing him in our reunions, to rather live that kindness, welcoming, embracing, non-compromising expression he had with us, as well as with a good sense of humor and live it out ourselves, to continue being cordial to others and rather continue applying those words as myself toward others. That way I take the words, the aspects of him that I found most supportive and enjoyable and make it a point to live them as myself and so toward others.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel a bit powerless in wanting to help others that were in notorious grief and wanting to assist them in one way or another, expecting some kind of ‘result’ from it, instead of rather being unconditional with my presence and support and understanding how my desire to stop them suffering is still coming from a fear of them remaining in suffering, so I rather let go of a desired outcome of what my support should do for others and instead express it as myself, no judgment, no expectation, letting go of what’s right or wrong, but be able to trust my common sense in such moments and let go of the judgments, no matter how ‘new’ a situation might be for me, common sense is common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation towards myself in a funeral as in ‘wanting to be of support for others’ and so trying to find any way in which I could be ‘there’ as a point of support, which didn’t came through in any notorious manner, therefore here I have to let go of my desire to ‘be of support’ and instead embrace my presence as that, a presence that is there for myself and for others wherein I can then assist when and as I see is possible or required of me, but this does not mean that I am ‘only there wanting to support’ because then I condition myself, my decisions and my expression as in wanting to be ‘of support’ for others only.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to at times also consider whether I should be there at all, if we were not much of an ‘extra burden’ in such moments where I was assessing then in terms of ‘hierarchy of importance’ and ‘who’s who in the zoo’ in that situation based on ‘how close’ each person was to the person that died etc. instead of just being able to embrace my own conviction  of wanting to be there as my decision and that of everyone else that was also participating in their own decision – so I have to stop indulging into ‘what ifs’ in such situations, because yes as much as others could compromise themselves in not wanting to be rude to some people and ask them to leave, I also cannot create ideas about what others are desiring in relation to my presence there either. I can only be the one that is sincerely there as a personal conviction and so, others could do the same in relation to embracing me or not around and communicate about it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be ‘politically correct’ in a situation such as the death of a person, wherein it actually comes from a desire to be doing the ‘right thing’ in such situations but the reality is that it is many times a new experience for everyone therefore, there is no ‘right or wrong’ or expectations around it, but simply doing what’s necessary to do in such situations, following protocols while assisting oneself to remain calm and not feeding our minds with fears and experiences, while at the same time embracing the emotions if they are here at times.

 

I saw various points opened up throughout these past days and I noticed how in several moments I had to go making sure I am doing things within my own volition and decision, breaking through a pattern of avoiding funerals and instead testing out ‘who am I’ in them, in a way facing a fear of death in general I suppose that is more in relation to seeing others being sad or mourning and fearing that within myself.

I have to make peace with a process of mourning, that’s for sure and it’s something I’ll face probably several times in my life, therefore I rather assist myself with prevention and learning from this experience, which is another way to get to know myself.

 

Ultimately I have to consider and remind myself do as I’d like to be done unto – and in this yes I would not like people to be sad when I am dead but rather take one or two points they learned from me and live them through in their own lives, that would be awesome so, this process goes beyond ‘a funeral’ really, it can be turned into much more of what that person lived and what we can learn from each other and continue the life of these individuals through words we saw them live and live them ourselves.

 

Thanks for reading

 

For anyone seeking support on facing the death of loved ones , please read through the following blogs from Sunette to understand the process of mourning at a mind and physical level, very supportive:

Shock, Trauma and Stress: DAY 479 | Heaven’s Journey to Life

Shock, Trauma and Stress (Part Two): DAY 480 | Heaven’s 

Relationships and Death: DAY 481 | Heaven’s Journey to Life

Losing someone is like Losing a part of Myself – DAY 491 | 

Losing someone is like Losing a part of Myself (Part 2) – DAY 

 

To anyone wanting to know first hand shares from the life in the afterlife:

Death Review Series: This series consists of personal stories of beings during their process of death in various contexts and situations, detailing the relationship between the mind, body and beingness.

 

Life Review Series: This series consists of hundreds of personal stories of beings who passed, crossed over and reviewed their lives – all to share with us what they faced, what they learned and how they did or could have lived solutions.

 

Mourning Flu

 

 

join in the Process of Life


477. Physical Attraction

Or how to stop the objectification of ourselves as images to generate any form of mental experience.

 

A timely topic emerged today in a group discussion about physical attraction in relation to other people, how to face it, understand it and walk through it to a point of self-honesty.

So the basics are that yes, such reactions to a physical appearance as an image is a mind-stimulation based on preferences, in essence programming, that one has to essentially let go of and stop participating in to focus on who the being really is, the equality that such person is in fact in relation to us: another human being just like ourselves.

This indicates that whichever experience we have ‘about them’ is not really ‘about them,’ but entirely about ourselves and how we are judging, valuing and assessing a person through our minds with values, perspectives, preferences which is also a gift that we can use to see where and how we have separated ourselves from a particular person based on those values and judgments imposed onto the exterior appearance of our perfectly equal in substance physical bodies.

One point that emerged in the discussion shared by Matti that I had not considered is how this participation in physical attraction as in either desiring a person for ‘how they look’ or creating fantasies around them and oneself in a relationship or some other type of intimate interaction, is no different to watching porn, where one is essentially stimulating oneself in one’s mind based on an image, an idea, a set of pixels of a particular person that we then ‘possess’ ourselves with in our minds, diminishing that very real and physical human being into an object that we crave, desire and lust around as if ‘this being’ was meant to be a source of pleasure for us… obviously this is not common sensical.

It is in fact self-abusive to be diminishing each other as objects and a point I also reflected upon when discussing this with my partner is how many times I can get ‘offended’ if anyone would show such participation of ‘physical attraction’ towards me or anyone else, which I wasn’t directly taking back to myself and realizing how I was and have done the exact same thing upon people, creating ‘attractions’ and desires based on looks, no matter how ‘close’ that person is to me or how ‘far away’ they seemingly are – as in movie stars, musicians or regular people I can see walking on the streets = doesn’t matter ‘who’ we do it towards, really, what matters is how I have been co-participating in the reduction of an actual living human being – a being that is actually also myself as well – into a picture that I can abstract into my mind and ‘own’ or ‘fantasize’ about in order to create a particular seemingly ‘positive’ experience in me. This is definitely not at all the kind of relationships I want to stand by or create with people, not with the ones ‘close’ to me nor with anyone else.

So, just as my partner said how the ability to ‘get offended’ implies we are doing the exact same in some way in our lives, it then clicked to me that I have done that exact same thing, showing  ‘disgust’ for people that lust on others –specially males on females – yet, not seeing or wanting to accept that I have done the exact same thing towards males and have not questioned it at all, but seeing it as something ‘very normal’.

This proves again how whenever I see myself holding a judgment about someone and feel ‘righteous’ about it, I need to stop myself and open up that point for me, to see what am I missing out that exists in me, that I am actively participating on as well yet diminishing it, deceiving myself in thinking that ‘it is not that important’ to look at, dismissing the fact that it is most often than not these seemingly ‘little aspects’ of ourselves that hold the most patterns, tendencies and dishonesty in ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a convenience in seeing the abuse that happens in the form of physical attraction and the desire, fantasies and illusions that one can generate  with or about another’s ‘physical image’ for the sake of creating a ‘positive’ – or negative – energetic experience as something ‘normal’ or ‘common’  and never really equating it to it being the exact same mechanism as with watching porn or deliberately ‘lusting’ about another’s physical appearance or fixations at any level, because in doing so it is no different to reducing the image of a person as a trigger of a positive experience in me, which is in fact no different to how porn functions as well, reducing human physical bodies to a source of an energetic experience where we are not actually considering the beings, the people themselves, but only get fixated into one’s own pleasure and experience triggered by a picture in our minds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been offended whenever I became aware of a person denoting an attraction towards a physical body, specially males upon women or upon myself, where I would become enraged for being ‘objectified’ as a source of lust for another individual – though never really being self-honest in realizing how I have done the exact same thing about males in my mind, just ‘painting it’ with a brush of complacency, considering it is something innocent and not-harmful, when in fact this very participation in an energetic experience towards another person is me replicating the exact same mechanisms in which one of the biggest obsessions and addictions in this world function: porn, nothing else but translating an image into a source of addictions, fixations, seemingly ‘positive experiences’ where we go slowly but surely dislocating ourselves from our very own one and equal nature to those beings/people that we are using as a source of apparent ‘satisfaction’ at a mind level, because this can for sure never be a genuine source of ‘satisfaction’ to begin with.

Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to minimize my relationship to the image of other people as a form of ‘attraction’ as something ‘non-consequential, very small and controllable, not much of a big deal’ – instead of seeing directly how it accumulates and escalates to a point of obsessions, fixations and addictions based on a constant participation in the thought, fantasy or illusion experience ‘with the image’ of another person, which means I am not taking ‘them’ into consideration at all in that moment, but only the creation of a ‘good feeling’ within me that is entirely created by myself, in my own mind and has nothing to do with me considering them, as physical beings, as equals to myself which means by default, I should not be creating an energetic experience and relationship towards them, because that in itself already indicates that the whole starting point of who I am in relation to them is still completely filtered through the mind, through my preferences as likes and dislikes, through my own programming based on what I have been storing in my head as ‘ideas of beauty’ or ‘handsomeness’ based on the kind of pictures I used to see while growing up as a child, the kinds and types of people that ‘I grew a taste for’ and not questioning this programming for what it is, but allowing myself to actually play out on my desires and seek for ‘matches’ in this kind of relationship-scenarios that I also built as an ideal in my mind, not considering at all who the other person really is and what they are really all about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having taken a haughty position or superior position in believing that I was ‘better than’ others for not participating in watching porn for example, yet not really investigating and seeing or wanting to admit how I am participating in the exact same principle when taking someone’s physical body image and use it as a source of personal amusement, fantasy, ideals, desires and day dreaming that I had not  questioned because of diminishing it to something seemingly ‘not that important’ or ‘under control’ for me, that would seemingly ‘not harm anyone’ – but, over time and little by little, the only person that it affects is oneself when not being able to in fact ‘be in control’ of those experiences but instead be dominated by them which then takes a serious process of diligently dissecting and redirecting each experience, each fantasy, each ‘dream’ that we create in our minds related to that one image of a person, to see what of ourselves is trapped in this experience of desire towards another and so make a decision, who do I want to be in relation to that person?

In this I commit myself to honor myself by living the solution to end the objectification of ourselves as human beings and consequently of porn or any other source of stimulation based on images – this is by stopping doing this myself, no matter ‘who’ the person is that I have in my mind – or object or situation – I have to focus on physical reality, on what is here, tangibly, and I have to honor and respect fellow human beings by seeing them for who and what they are as equals, as fellow beings, fellow ‘me’s’ that I cannot reduce to being a source of personal entertainment, because I certainly would not like to be ‘that’ kind of infatuation or source of mental stimulation for another – therefore I have to be the one that stops it absolutely within myself, no matter ‘how small’ or how seemingly ‘innocent’ this process of fantasizing is about, the key is to let go entirely of all mental stimulation and instead, focus on getting to see the beings for what they are, who they are, getting to know and appreciate them for the substance that they are in themselves. This applies not only to people we might already be related to in one way or another, but also with strangers as well, to see beyond the immediate veils and always focus on what’s in the inside. That’s where the real ‘meat’ is in fact, not on the outside, not on the images, values and perceptions we can create about another’s image and presentation.

As an extra note, it speaks volumes of ourselves in the way that we decide to SEE others: do we decide to turn them into objects of our fascination and infatuation? Or do we decide to learn to see through the immediate picture and into them, into who they really are as beings, to see who they are in their words and how congruent that is with their actions. The same being applied back to ourselves of course, how much are we focusing on how we look, dress, how we want to ‘appear’ to others out there, because what we are and by the laws that we live by in our own being, we recreate out there in multiple forms and ways, therefore, hereby I make a decision to stop fixating on an external picture – no matter of who or what or at ‘what level’ – and focus on the substance that is in each being or expression that is here, in fact being one and equal with myself.

Thanks for reading.

 

Supportive material:

 

Live Drawing 2007

 

Learn how to Be Free of Fixations

 


476. The Taste of Real Freedom

Or how to walk through from transient obstacles/mindfucks and delusions to a solid and grounded decision of self-creation

 

A simple reflection today on how to turn a situation of apparent conflict or stagnation into one of active involvement and participation, so that one can create a solution to such point of ‘stagnation’ and in doing so, at the same time,  discover so much of ourselves that we would have missed is possible to do, be and become if we were to hold on to seeing, perceiving, judging a situation as a ‘problem’ within us, towards others, in others or ‘out there’ and how empowering it is – for a lack of a better word  – to take matters into one’s own hands and realize that we are the only ones that create limits based on how we believe ‘things have to be’ and not daring to step outside of the box.

This can be as simple as when I finally decide to open up a point in me that I had only been dwelling upon in my mind, considering it to be ‘not that relevant’ or ‘too extensive to change’ and when deciding to take it on, open it up, write it out, expose myself to myself, I realize that this seemingly previously ‘arduous task’ or ‘difficult decision’ is but a perception that is much easier to walk through by simply doing it, instead of giving too much thinking and pondering into ‘why we should or should not do it’ – meaning, the key here is to just do it.

Then while making that decision to open up that part of ourselves, a ‘point’ in our lives that we have been dwelling upon with no resolution, we are already taking one step into self-honesty, understanding ‘how’ we have created that part of ourselves, why we have resisted it so much and push to see straight to the core: to see myself as the sole creator of that reality and experience – not blaming, not judging, no projecting unto others – but take my whole authority and so authorship upon my own life and creation.

This is a key aspect there so that I don’t’ generate distractions from seeing straight into who I am, what I have been and done and so placing myself in the position of my own creator: deciding who I will be in order to change this one point of conflict that I was procrastinating to look at.

Then the last part is when actually deciding to change, when genuinely being willing to stand up from a particular ‘stuckness’ or conflict or a problem, that’s where we clear up our starting point of supporting ourselves and deciding to make the necessary changes in ourselves to live those fine-tunings in our reality, the kind of changes that  we can direct and act upon ourselves, because this is all about self-direction and self-creation, whenever we place faith upon others or ‘the world out there’ to do the change for us, what do we know? We are missing out a key point of self-creation: it’s got to be entirely possible to be created on a day to day basis within ourselves.

A basic example here is how upon deciding to not indulge in a particular set of experiences based on memories, fantasizing about a seemingly ‘good experience’ and deciding to instead live in self-respect, to honor not only myself but also the situation or people I am integrating as part of ‘my mind fantasy’, I am able to stand in a clarity that can literally feel like a ‘weight off’ of one’s shoulders. This then creates a form of clarity, of integrity and transparency within ourselves because there is nothing else that we have to be hiding or scheming or having backchats and hidden agendas about – one gives oneself the gift of standing in absolute accountability through self-forgiveness.

Here, walking self forgiveness means that I go acknowledging my potential consequences if I would continue following and feeding such apparently ‘nice experiences’ in my mind that are actually very, very unrealistic when writing them out ‘on paper’ or on the computer, they are lacking all sorts of foundation, they are fueled for nothing else other than a desire for ‘novelty’ that when seeing it for what it is and comparing it to physical reality and the possibilities that I can create and grow in physical reality, then I can get to a point of clarity within me in what I choose to continue feeding and nurturing in my life, it becomes a ‘no brainer’ in that moment when writing something out in self-honesty and with a clear decision to stand up and correct oneself in those situations.

But, how ‘clear’ was this before I actually opened it up in detail? Mmm, dare I say ‘not much’ or more like it’s much easier to kid ourselves in our minds and only thinking that we ‘know what we are doing’ and what we are ‘feeding’ but, it’s a whole different thing to decide to write about it, uncovering all the nooks and crannies of it and having that starting point of deconstructing one’s delusions, to be honest.

So, upon walking this decision and living it out in reality, physically, testing out my resolve and point of focus, I could actually see how in a way foolish I had been to even give so much attention/energy/thoughts throughout time, in my day to day, towards something that truly is nothing else but a distraction from self-creation, with no substance other than fueling a particular ‘ideal’ or ‘desire for experience’ based on the ‘who I was’ in the past, that is not here as myself at all.

It was quite assertive to see this for myself again in my process, how the more one makes decisions to live self-honestly, the more liberating one’s reality becomes, and realizing that the whole ‘imprisonment’ in desires, fears, perceived ‘wants and needs’ are nothing else but our creation, we have literally place our own barriers and cages based on all sorts of mind delusions that we have many times – unfortunately –dare to live out, act out on them as if there was any ‘real substance’ in them, when in fact they are usually constructed and made out of energy, composed of things like fears, desires, ideals, personalities, preferences, judgments, etc.… all of them being nothing else but the flimsy transient experiences that sometimes we build and grow so much in our minds that we believe are ‘worth’ it to the point of jeopardizing solid and stable parts of our reality ‘in the name of’ an energy experience.

I’d say, dare to step out of the fear to open up those seemingly ‘uncomfortable’ aspects in yourself, those things that we actually feed quite a bit on a day to day but don’t dare to admit we do – write it out, very important! Writing it out to be read, spoken out loud along with its due self-forgiveness and lay out a resolution, who you decide to be in relation to changing that part of you – test it out from that moment on and see the results.

This doesn’t mean that ‘this point is utterly solved’ – no, many more aspects, dimensions of it might come up related to it, but this one basic resolve, awareness and understanding of one’s experience related to this ‘one part/one point’ in ourselves, is a good foundation from which to continue facing any other parts/aspects of it that may create noise in time to come. This is true freedom to me, the ability to take matters into my own hands and walk, apply the point by myself, by my own resolve, because I have created myself as my mind, I am the one that has gotten myself to where and what I am now, therefore, I can decide and stand as the building block of the ‘me’ that I am willing  to live with for the rest of my life

 

Thanks for reading.

Sea of Liberation

 

Learn how to Be Free

 


471. Self-Forgiveness on Self-Limitation

Or how to see through fears and paranoia within a scenario of facing manifested consequences

 

There are various things that have created an impact on me just in the span of the last 12 hours and I’m seeing things that I considering as clearly before. The context is seeing some of those manifested consequences for the first time in my life quite ‘in the corner of my street’ type of thing which is something entirely new to me to be honest and it’s been happening in various ways around here: so-called threats from cartels asking for ransom, car parts being stolen more frequently in these seemingly ‘safer’ areas and the recent lootings that took place in this side of my city where even a Wal-Mart that is some 500 meters from here had to close down and consequently every other shop was closed yesterday after 6 pm to avoid further lootings – unprecedented for me and everyone else I asked in my environment.

What happens is there has been a raise in fuel price and there are people that in an attempt to spite the government and ‘big corporations’ they have been looting stores, closing down roads that in turn have created much more problems and loss  than any of the ‘goods’ they stole from countless stores nationwide yesterday. I was appalled last night upon becoming aware of this and how easy it is to drive people through fear and paranoia at the same time, but also how the design is not at all responding into ‘what is best for all’ but immediately ‘grabbing what you can while you can’ and not minding at all who gets a consequence for that.

The word resilience opened up yesterday assisted me to remind myself to breathe to not go into the same ‘wave’ of paranoia that everyone around here was… few times I told people to calm down, but it’s not possible to ‘change’ someone just by saying that, it’s still a self-responsibility point. I simply had to embody that stability myself and keep explaining how we don’t have to participate in fear – but to me in my experience it was beyond fear, a sort of sadness to see this happening and how limited we still are when it comes to trying to fix problems.

So here it goes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the way to create a solution to the problems is through sabotaging, maiming, destroying and ‘getting it all while you can’ in an attempt to literally ‘fuck’ the people that I perceive are in power and to blame for the recent rises in prices in the gas and consequently potential inflation to come from it – not realizing that spite, blame, maiming and destruction will never be the way to create a solution nor make a ‘statement’ because in doing this, we only show how limited we are in perceiving ‘no way out’ but to riot and be opportunistic against the people that we believe are ‘more powerful’ than us, when in fact it is ourselves that have enslaved each other/ourselves in various conditions in our society – economically and socially speaking – therefore, playing the blame game and trying to ‘punish’ some for perceiving that they have ‘punished ourselves’ is nothing else but playing the victim and so justifying the spite that in turn only creates further loss, further destabilization, panic and paranoia all around that no one benefits from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel appalled upon getting to know that people around me can act in mob styles to be opportunistic about a situation that has become a feud towards the government, where I see the role of people playing a victim, of us all playing a victim, not realizing that we have created the government that we have, that we ARE the government that we have in our very own thoughts, words and deeds at an individual level – and the proof is that what a few in the elite classes do in a ‘legal manner’, the majority in this whole country ended up doing in seemingly smaller scale but with equal consequences – or worse – of disruptions, loss, destruction and in general not realizing that we are playing out the exact same nature as anyone else in a position of power that has abused such position and power, which means: we can’t at all blame anyone for the situation we have co-created, we are ALL equally responsible for the manifested consequences and the only way through is to acknowledge and understand how arbitrary our limitations are, how we have created and imposed them going down the road of fear and control – instead of realizing we can self-forgive and change those arbitrary limitations to create a better outcome that could stabilize everyone’s livelihood and not only that, but pave the way for actual growth and thrive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get trapped in a limitation where apparently we cannot fathom a life without oil, a life without all the stuff that is available in stores and forget about the actual possibilities that can emerge if instead of working together to create mayhem and destruction and ‘fucking the one next to us’ – we could focus on standing together to create solutions, creating what’s best for everyone and that requires a willing decision to understand that any opportunism to ‘trump’ others will only bite us all back in the ass because everything that we do affects us all equally because the problems we are facing are equally created – not only by governments, not only by big corporations, not only by the elites – but each one of us that in our very own thoughts, words and deeds still decides to spite back and take revenge instead of considering what would be most beneficial and best for everyone.

I realize that in situations like that what takes over is the compounded emotions, accumulated frustrations of endless years that usually end up in break outs like this one or revolutions or wars that are never the solution. Therefore, I realize our limitation in how we haven’t learned to cooperate, to join forces for the best for all, to create something together that we can live by and guard ourselves but instead are creating a rebellion against that which we’ve placed and created as our ‘authority’ by design, by acceptance and allowance only to have something or someone to blame for the mess we’ve accepted and allowed and have created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain in self-limitation after an entire human history or wars and revolt and civil wars where we haven’t yet learned to decide to cooperate, to unite to create solutions but instead, immediately act based on an emotional outrage that leads to more destruction, more decay and giving a full step back to a very primitive human-nature state of ‘survivalism’ which proves that there is a long way to actual human evolution if we really want to get to thrive in this world – and this requires an actual forgiveness and understanding from those that feel the most oppressed to realize that we have all been equal co-creators of this current situation and that nothing will advance but only worsen if we keep falling into spite, blame, vengeance/revenge, righteousness in believing that we have a right to protest and demand, while remaining victims in a comfortable situation so as to not have to acknowledge that this entire creation and all of its problems are emanating from the same source: oneself, self-separation, self-degradation from life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also be taken over by images seen in the media about the events and generalize and think that ‘the person next to me’ is probably as spiteful as those seen looting the stores, when in fact this is not so, it does not happen every single day and it’s not a majority either. Therefore I forgive myself that I have had a tendency to limit myself and other me’s as human beings by suddenly painting everyone with the same judgment and limitation as in being ‘back to square one’ of human evolution/decay, instead of realizing that this is part of my doomsday character personality that continually has sought reasons, justifications and excuses as to why humanity stands no chance for a world change. I have to stick to being that ‘hope’ of humanity and work on it within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, appalled and disturbed by seeing the nature of what we can be as human beings wherein it only ‘hits home’ this time because of how close to me it all was, but I’ve seen it happen everywhere else in the world so this is only a proof that I have been living in a comfortable bubble where all ‘the problems’ seemed to be out there/far away from here, instead of seeing that as with anything these outcomes are a potential in all of us to create, we all are equally capable of creation and so destruction – therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blinded by the self-imposed limitations when it comes to the current economic and political situation we are in, wherein we have allowed ourselves to believe that the only way out is through chaos, mayhem, destruction, and forgetting all about self-responsibility, our power as creators of this reality to create, to solve, to change the so-called immovable ‘laws’ in our economic and political systems so that we could realize at last that this limitation, this lack, this poverty, these prices, these authorities are all self-created and are standing as a proof of our very own accepted and allowed self-limitation and delusions that CAN be changed if we all decide to do so.

Therefore I realize I can only focus on myself seeing through the veil, seeing through the play outs, understanding them as an outflow of our creation that we all have to learn from and stand up equally – I cannot go changing each person into seeing this, but I am not defined by what others in their own awareness and volition decide to do or not to do, but to focus on what I can do, correct and align within myself, stand by, communicate and suggest as solutions, to not fall prey of fears and paranoia that are part of the chaos that is sometimes deliberately created to then implement ‘new ways of security’ or further control upon the population, which is yet another limitation that we’ve imposed and collectively created upon ourselves based on our seemingly impossible ability to change, to stand as principles and remove the veils from our eyes to see: we’ve all co-created this all, there’s no one more or less responsible in this, we’re all it, we are only spiting ourselves, we are only biting our own tail, we have to stop it and act in supportive ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget living the word expansion as in being able to see through a situation and see the bigger picture, but still fell into a powerless experience within seeing it ‘very difficult’ to step out of this situation in this country – while fully knowing that there are consequences that we are going to be facing and that they can only be but a catalyst to sort out the problems we’ve been dragging for far too long – and realizing that this won’t come at the ‘higher levels’ of our society, but has to start in cultivating all the values that I see are not being considered by the most that seem to be very fixated on waging war against an equal me that we’ve placed as ‘president’ who has become a human piñata where everyone has deposited their own blames towards, which are nothing else but effigies/roles that we’ve elevated to the status of gods and authorities that we have placed deliberately in those positions of ‘power’ to have someone to blame and so abdicate our own collective equal and one responsibility to the whole of our thoughts, words and deeds.

In this I have to make peace with the fact that it might seem like a seemingly small point for me to stand in self-awareness in a ‘sea of trouble’ but, that’s what I decide to be and do and so not fall prey to fears and paranoia, but to remain focused on expanding myself, going beyond the seemingly overwhelming situation so many people got caught up on emotionally on and so acting based on those emotions as fears, spite and self-interest, while realizing that it was mostly a scare happening in the mind because as we spoke of it and sat in the comfort of our homes, they were only situations taking place in some stores and gas stations – so, I have and we have to remind ourselves that there is always a choice in deciding to join the disaster and paranoia chorus or stick to principles and remain settled – and that the more we stand without fears and stability, the more we will realize the actual powers and ability we have to create solutions, so here we have to persevere in our best-for-all intentions and not succumb to the chaos.

This is something to apply both in an internal and external level, because if we look at the driving force behind any form of destruction: it’s of emotions, it’s of the mind, it won’t create any solutions at all, it is only our attempt as consciousness to ‘fix problems’ while being blind to the obvious destruction and consequences this creates and forgetting that we don’t do it to ‘others’ as there are No others, we are all IT, we are ‘them’ and so we essentially are shooting ourselves in the leg.

Therefore, we always have the option to stand up from it in honoring the life that we have, to not follow ‘the mob rules’ within ourselves and live in self-respect – towards oneself and everyone else – or fall prey of one’s deliberately created weaknesses, spitefulness, blame, vengeance that are truly those aspects of our human nature that have been perpetuated generation after generation and thus have to come to a stop here, one by one in our individual decision of who we decide to be – who’s who in the zoo type of decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed upon seeing what fellow human beings can do which can only exist if I am holding an expectation and a judgment toward other people according to what I would like to believe they are, which is also an illusion and the point here is for me to consider yes, the potential that exists in all of us, but also not being blinded by it and trying to color everything in a positive manner but remain realistic in the realization of what’s happening when it comes to facing and creating our own consequences, so as to be reasonable enough, to be careful and considerate enough at the same time.

The key here is then to not exist as judgments upon what’s happening around me and so now is the time where I have to pull my non-existent pants up and apply what I’ve written out many times here and actually get to live that in thought, word and deed while yes, remaining cautious, aware and considerate of how things go around here because that’s just what manifested consequences are: we cannot change them but we can change who we are within and while in it all.

I commit myself to continue expanding myself in seeing through the limitations, the consciousness play outs and wreckage that we’ve co-created and that’s happening at the moment and stick to my own core and stability as the life that I am, as my physical body in holding within myself that potential that exists in me and everyone else that decides to also opt to live their potential for a common benefit – we don’t have to get discouraged by things around us or fellow human beings that decide to spiral down the emotional consciousness way, but stick to principles, stick to common sense, stick to physical groundedness and not get into a smog fog of current situations – but breathe through it, walk through it holding steady to our own truth and responsibility to it all as well as standing as and holding that potential that is here in everything and everyone, it’s up to each one of us to decide what we do and where we stand within it all.

Thanks for reading and let’s keep walking

 

keep-calm-and-forgive-yourself-4

 

Check out these great sites for self support and self development :


462. ‘Fake News’ Crackdown Starts Within Ourselves

Or how to take an external problem and start changing it from within first.

It’s been interesting to look at the developments in relation to the media and how there’s been a mainstream media attempt to ‘black out’ alternative media or any kind of news/media that is not coming from ‘the establishment’ and making campaigns to flag it as ‘fake news,’ which is supposed to discredit and now ‘filter out’ news from appearing in social media places like Facebook based on supposed (paid by same establishment, lol) ‘third party’ fact-checkers that will have the power to decide what you get to see on your news feed as ‘real news’ and discard all things that usually represents a threat to the current system as ‘fake news’. So, that’s the latest ‘crackdown’ on people that have conducted investigative journalism in an independent and most of the times crowd-funded manner.

However upon looking at this censorship attempt by ‘the establishment’, I also took it back to myself to see what the word ‘censorship’ means in the without and so in the within of myself. It wasn’t so difficult to realize how it is directly in line with what us, people, tend to usually do whenever we see ‘the truth’ of ourselves coming through as that kind of truth that makes us ‘uncomfortable’, those aspects of ourselves that keep us in a never-ending inner conflict that we constantly try and suppress, shift aside, run away from, shove aside, leave for later to look at – while opting to keep pushing our own actual ‘made-up’ news as the ‘controlled news’ the ‘positive side only’ as our on agenda to keep an idea of ourselves in our minds and believe ‘it’s who we really are’ which is usually – but not always – a ‘better, noble, good’ representation that we like to believe is who we are, that we in fact create about ourselves as ‘our truth’ with which we interact and go with the flow in our reality.

The question is: isn’t this exactly what we see is happening ‘outside’ or in the exterior reality as this ‘alternative media crackdown’ that represents – in some aspects – that truth and real facts that we are usually supposed to remain oblivious of? Because getting to know ‘the truth’ could, in more than one way, start undermining the whole ‘empire’ of control from particular ‘factions’ that run this reality show we are living in. Here, it makes a lot of sense to me to first look within myself before I start judging how ‘bad’ it is that there’s this crackdown on alternative media, and how much ‘deception’ is going on against ‘truthers’ and people that create their own media with a seemingly honest approach.

I looked at how easily we go into victimizing ourselves, always immediately jump into looking for culprits/who to blame and join a pity-party with those that are victimized (and apparently disempowered) about the situation. But, rarely do we ever take that phenomena, that situation happening ‘outside’ of ourselves and look at it from the within.

Here then I can spot ‘censorship’ as self-suppression, self-censorship, hiding and shifting away responsibility, where we hide ourselves from our ‘true facts’ and our ‘real news’ in seeing exactly what’s going on within ourselves and to what extents we can go to sink down to the bottom all of those actual day to day experiences we’re going through as all those emotions, judgments, fears, reactions, destructive behaviors and patterns that we just refuse to look at, refuse to even attempt to change them – we usually don’t want to face them and so we pull out the card of ‘fearing’ all of it as a way to not actually face the truth of ourselves.

Well, this censoring of ourselves is exactly us in our minds, being and body playing our own ‘establishment’ crackdown on all things that represent our truth, our current actual ‘state of affairs’ that we have to work on, open up, face, confront.

What do we do instead? We put up the actual inner fake news as the ‘ideal’ state of being that we play on as a character and in various personalities with which we cover-up the actual – usually – bad experiences, problems, fears, manias, addictions, discomforts we are going through – we keep telling ourselves that ‘we’re alright, that all is under control, that there’s nothing to worry about, that we are happy and joyful’ and repeat it like a mantra attempting to numb down the actual conflictive experiences that in fact seem to grow and grow the more we broadcast our fake news within us… leading us then to a plethora of ‘mental problems’ that are more and more common these days, a lot of them I’d say based on this constant denial of what is HERE as ourselves.

Who is the ‘establishment’ in the within of ourselves in this analogy? One may ask. It is ourselves as our minds, our ‘ego’ if you will which is that part of ourselves in which we have automated our lives to be a ‘never-changing’ and ‘always conflictive’ type of persona that is always juggling with consequences, always going down the ‘downward spiral,’ always giving up to any sort of self-support, always seeking for short cuts/easy fixes and quick ways out of anything that would actually mean getting to know the (uncomfortable) truth of ourselves, to recognize, face and be willing to work with/process through all of those aspects of ourselves that we can in fact face, confront, embrace and (very important!) take responsibility for as parts of ourselves that we can then direct ourselves to actually, genuinely change.

 

See, what is the main factor driving the mainstream media crackdown against so-called ‘fake news’= alternative media/independent media & journalism? Fear of losing control, fear of losing ‘people’s minds’ and guiding everyone to a certain type of information and ‘awareness’ in order to keep the masses following as ‘intended.’

Now let’s go into the ‘within’ of ourselves, what is driving ourselves to suppress/hide/block ourselves from seeing and facing our inner reality in our minds and in our day to day experience? It’s also fear, which is nothing else but a mind/mental defense mechanism that prevents actually ‘cracking down’ our own lies and deception. Fear is nothing else but an experience that can be stopped and transcended once that we realize that there’s no point in holding on to a comfortable (lie) idea of ‘control’ over something that is not genuinely supportive in our lives!

What does this mean? Why do we hide and fear facing the actual truth of ourselves, that nasty, not nice at all, ugly aspects of ourselves and our experiences that we actually know ‘are there’ because it is causing us constant conflict, constant anger, constant depression, constant need for this or that drug or way to ‘ease the pain’? Why do we try and ‘control’ it and ‘ease the pain’ and ‘numb’ ourselves with doing anything and all we can – from drugs, to obsessive compulsive behaviors, to creating destructive relationships, to addictions to entertainment, porn, sports, food and a big ETC. – in order to keep ourselves from actually opening ourselves up, removing the self-censorship to then make a decision, a self-honest decision to Embrace, Understand, Investigate and get to know what we’ve become and so, accept and face our consequences while knowing that we can actually change from it all, how to do this? Self-Forgiveness.

There is nothing else that I’ve found as supportive and all-encompassing as our ability to self-forgive every and all aspects of ourselves that we have in fact created within ourselves, that we have continued to accept, allow and feed in various ways, that we have continued to hide from and ‘fear facing’ when in fact, there’s really no place to hide for real. It’s the same as what the ‘mainstream media’ is facing when it comes to the internet and all the ways in which regular people are building ways to continue propagating the real news, the real facts and push forward ways and means for people to be genuinely informed.

As within, so without. Same has to also happen within ourselves, and I see it happening in fact within many of us where we are no longer that fearful of seeing ‘the truth’ of ourselves and sharing it out, we are becoming more and more open to face that ‘nasty self’ if you will that we don’t have to go into guilt and shame about, but directly and straightforward push ourselves into the process of self-forgiving those points, recognizing our responsibility to our creations and acknowledge the consequences of this massive self-suppression, so that we can then start changing those thoughts, emotions, fears, destructive habits and patterns into self-supportive ways to live, learning how to effectively walk through the plethora of ‘fake news’ we’ve told to ourselves in our minds, all the lies, all the deception, the self-manipulation that each one of us has done to ourselves – and so toward others in our lives – in an attempt to represent ourselves as a ‘fake news’/better version of our reality that is no longer able to be sustained, but is now bursting at the seams so to speak which in other words means: the time is here for all of us to start pulling off that veil from our eyes, from our very own personal reality. This is the real ‘apocalypse’.

And here then is also a note on this necessity to focus more on ourselves, because we loooooove to keep ourselves in the sensationalism manufactured by the elites/establishment or however else we are calling them these days as the ‘controllers’ of it all and see ‘them’ as the problem… lol, the joke is on ourselves of course.

It’s so easy to distract ourselves, dissing the track that we can create to take us back into ourselves, our very own lives that we have to change and take responsibility, instead of keeping participating in the fear and sensationalism that is created precisely on the news to keep ourselves in our minds ‘out there’ entertained, mesmerized, feeling ‘powerless’ to do anything ‘out there’ to change anything …. Really?

That’s why the key is to look within ourselves, and that’s where the real ‘meat’ of this whole process of self-awareness is, because as long as we believe that all that matters is to be ‘well informed’ about the ‘truths out there’, we are still being caught by the balls – sorry but that’s what it is – when it comes to generating actual, real, substantial, long lasting, rooted and self-empowering change.

Therefore, change starts within ourselves for real. It starts when we actually make a firm decision to develop and integrate the principles that we are seeking ‘our media’ to do for us ‘out there’ within our lives first of all. Aren’t we quite hypocritical then when we go asking ‘others’ to do for ourselves something we haven’t even done within ourselves first?

In order to stop feeling ‘powerless’ to change things out there, let’s start with ourselves which is to be honest, even more so developing SELF-honesty as to understand how we create our own experiences, how we are the sole creators of everything we are, have become and will create in the future as well and understand this not as a ‘burden’ or ‘something too big to carry on with’ as a realization, but as an actual point of self-empowerment through taking self-responsibility of it, because it then means we have the actual ability to change things, because it’s about  doing it ourselves to ourselves!

How? Developing self-integrity, self-honesty, self-vulnerability, courage, lots of courage really to let go of the so called ‘fears’ and be willing to grab our own bull by the horns, because: it’s us! There’s really nothing to ‘fear’ except if we wanted to keep a good image of ourselves in our minds (our fake news broadcast) and fear looking at ‘all the bad’ … but, all of that ‘bad’ and ‘negative’ is ourselves in fact! We have to embrace it, we have to face it, we have to dive into ourselves and understand it so as to no further judge ourselves for it, not to go into guilt, regret, shame, remorse and create another ‘trap’ seeing no way out from there either, that’s what this process of Self Awareness at Desteni is for, is here for all of us in humanity to finally ‘wake up’ but not in the form of information and knowledge ‘out there’ to consume every day and then believe that ‘we are informed.’ Nope.

This process is an actual self-investigative journalism that can then become the new ‘media’ as these blogs sharing the keys and support on how to do it yourself. And that is definitely life changing to the point where surely, you will still be able to identify ‘fake’ and ‘real’ news because once one has identified the deception, the lies, the dishonesty within oneself makes it very easy to spot the same ‘on the outside’ – but the most important part is that this reality that we uncover within ourselves and we then take through a process of personal change, growth and expansion becomes something that cannot be banned or ‘removed’ from us, unless we decide to ‘go back into hiding’; it cannot be ‘censored’ by anyone or anything ‘outside of ourselves’ because we are standing as full authors of ourselves in our every thought, word and deed in ways that we realize is best for ourselves and so best for all in equality. That is what real power means to me really, and that’s what I call real change as well, where that simple decision to not ‘follow through’ our usual experiences, our ‘usual thoughts’, our selfishness, our emotions in fact becomes the real ‘revolution’ if you will, one that no ‘elite’ or no ‘media establishment’ can ever get to censor or ‘black out’, because it is within ourselves! We will then become our real, self-honest, integral self as our new nature that will in turn – with time and new generations to come – create the new media that we all know is most beneficial to have, no longer existing as ‘fringe or alternative’ but as the ‘new normal’.

And that’s how we take one problem manifesting in the ‘outside’, take it back to ourselves to ‘fix’ it and correct it, align it and take responsibility for within ourselves, so that then it becomes – as we go and in a parallel mode – the new creation, the new expression that we can collectively create once that more and more people start living this inner-process of change at the same time.

I invite you to start this process today, it takes writing, it takes your absolute will and decision to investigate your fake news and real news, it takes dedication to change yourself, to help yourself, to be that one point that no longer feels satisfied with ‘getting truths’ out there, but that sees there’s some inner-work to do in order to change the without.

Join in!

 

My favorite supportive audio to understand self-suppression and a MUST Hear:

 

If you’d like some support in preventing and being 1+ person that stands up for life in a practical day to day living manner, check out:

 

Control


445. Living Self-Forgiveness: Jealousy

One common thing that can emerge when working with and applying the tool of self-forgiveness is that throughout time as in months of years of writing it out, one can still find oneself going into the same patterns such as an emotional reaction, or having the same ‘insta-behavior’ come up as an experience within us toward someone in our lives that doesn’t seem to change at all or ‘get better’ with time. Throughout assisting myself and others in this process of understanding and living self-forgiveness, a usual or common thing to conclude of this experience is that self-forgiveness is not working, it’s useless, it has done nothing to me, it’s supposed to be good but I haven’t noticed any changes after writing it, not seeing a result after writing heaps of self-forgiveness…

Well, this is where the ‘who we are’ within writing self-forgiveness and in the entire process of deciding to apply self-forgiveness is what matters. I’ll share some of the ways I’ve noticed that self-forgiveness is understood as and I’m going to share what I’ve seen thus far to possibly ‘dispel’ or clarify for anyone that is already well into their process of living and applying Self Forgiveness some of these experiences.

For more reference on what ‘Self Forgiveness is’ please read:  Self Forgiveness: How-To, Why, What, Where, When?

 

One aspect is when we give self-forgiveness as the process of writing it out some kind of ‘magic’ quality or ability to ‘immediately release us’ from such experiences – merely through the act of writing or ‘spelling it out’ as is. This is something that entirely depends on ‘who one is’ when writing self-forgiveness. Writing Self-Forgiveness is not merely an intellectual process of placing these letters of ‘I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself’ and copy-paste them into a line and go filling it out with all the things we have seemingly done ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ within ourselves… I mean I can understand why it may seem like a repetitive mantra if anything when seeing it written out in a single document. However, what actually matters is ‘who one is’ when writing it out: are we writing it out as a form of self-communication, of self-exposure, self-declaration or even ‘confession’ of what one has been and become and then asking ourselves: are we writing within the hope that the very ‘writing out’ of it will ‘resolve the point within oneself’ as in merely ‘typing it out’ and printing it out or sending it out as an assignment or publishing a blog and ‘be done’ with it? Or have others see it and believe that ‘one is walking one’s process’? Nope, it doesn’t work like that and it definitely defeats the whole purpose of the SELF in self forgiveness. However this is not at all a judgment, nor will any of what I’ll share as examples of how this can happen, because we have lived our entire lives mostly focusing on ‘others’ and how ‘others’ perceive us, how we ‘feel’ toward others instead of focusing entirely on what we create and live Within ourselves, which is very different and something that is necessary to be willing to walk through and understand when applying self-forgiveness.  

I’ve had many conversations before on this point and how self-forgiveness if genuine in one moment, it in fact could take one single statement/writing and sounding/voicing of the Self Forgiveness in order to realize what one is doing, being aware of the responsibility one holds within such point one is forgiving and then being able to – in self-honesty and self-responsibility – create that space within oneself to admitting it, clarifying it and so laying the experience/pattern out in the form of self-forgiveness in written or sounding manner to then, ‘flag point’ or make a ‘mental note’ – for a lack of a better expression – about such point/points to change within oneself from now on, so that every time that the same pattern ‘rears its head’ one is able to remember “Ah! This is what I’ve self-forgiven, this is the moment where I now decide to change and act according to what I’ve written out in a self-corrective statement” or “Ok, this is the moment where now I decide to live the word I saw is the way to stand up from this experience within myself”

And so practically – every moment, every day – whenever this same pattern ‘rears its head’ in any form, one is then placed in the right spot to do the actual living change process, no matter how many times or how long it takes. This is what is often missed in the process of ‘applying self-forgiveness’ where it is mostly a written process, as if it was a ‘spelling out’ of one’s demons for once and for all and be done with it to burn it to ashes and have all of it ‘deleted’ from our bodies, our minds and beingness. Nope, doesn’t work that way, it entails a process of Living Self Forgiveness.

What does this ‘Living Self Forgiveness’ process mean?  How I’ve seen it is that when writing out self-forgiveness within the stance of actually and truly being willing to stand up from an experience, a reaction, a character, an ‘addiction’ one may have towards an experience or anything else that one wants to change within oneself, the writing out of these patterns is an interactive process of genuinely recognizing these – excuse the words but – fuckups within oneself that one genuinely recognizes we need to change if we are to become a better person, if we are to become the potential we are aware we can be. This practically means that if there is no actual intent and acknowledgement on how to actually ‘walk the talk’ as in walk the corrections in real time which entails a change in one’s way of communicating, behaving, dealing with or being within a certain moment or a particular person, it becomes no different to signing a contract that one eventually breaks the next moment when not living up to what one has agreed to be and become or do in a written manner, no matter how masterfully or how many pages one can write about the pattern: the proof is in the pudding.  

Here is then the point where we might perceive that Self Forgiveness is not working or it is ‘failing us’, because one can simply not be acknowledging the actual living process of practical self-change that comes From the moment one Decides to write out self-forgiveness, from the moment that one acknowledges there is something to change and work throughout time – and space – to change, align or correct within oneself to then live the way that we see is best for oneself and so best for others as well.

 

Another aspect in which one can ‘think, feel or perceive’ that Self Forgiveness is not working is when one has lived out a pattern or an experience for many, many years and then expect that through writing some Self Forgiveness sentences – or hundreds of pages on it – should already free us from the same pattern or behavior for once and for all, when this is also not really so. Why? In the mind, every time that we participate in a particular pattern or experience, we create layers of that upon our very own physical body as a form of conditioning.

I’ll place an example, let’s say one is experiencing jealousy toward another person and one participates in the experience of jealousy toward that person every time that one sees the person, thinks of them or someone brings up the name of that person and we react with the same backchat or even just physical discomfort of how such person is ‘better than me’ or ‘prettier’ or ‘wiser’ or ‘richer’ or whatever it is that one is envying/being jealous about another. So, every time one goes into the experience, one creates a layer of the same pattern imprinted on our very own physical body, and so It is no different to when one practices to master some kind of skill or ability, where through repetition and so practice we ‘get it’ or are able to ‘perform it’ or do it without a sweat/ without great effort; same goes with these behaviors we actually now want to change of ourselves, where we didn’t realize – or want to realize – while we were becoming jealous about someone that we were in fact participating in the experience of jealousy and so becoming emotional about it, maybe if not even thinking of it, experiencing our body being tense, uncomfortable whenever that person was present or mentioned or anything like that, because of the extent in which we have programmed ourselves – through repetition – to react that way in relation to that particular person. 

This is really the most nitty-gritty or challenging aspect of Living Self-Forgiveness, because this is where the ‘proof of the pudding’ is once again, where one can write hundreds of self forgiveness statements, hundreds of pages about how one has related to that person one experiences jealousy toward, and lay out all the corrections to the point where In Theory it sounds great, all aligned and considering common sense, etc. But! If when one is still in the presence of the person, or when the person is even mentioned or when one even places that person in one’s imagination and Still one gets the same discomfort, tension, almost a ‘paralyzing’ experience that we’ve defined now as jealousy, then it means that there IS something that we still have to practically let go of in those moments of justifying our reasons to be ‘jealous of,’ it means one has to – depending on the severity of the physical experience – rather direct oneself to do something physical in that moment to step out of the experience, besides breathing and slowing down and so create a new direction in the way we want to relate to that person.

In this example of ‘walking through jealousy’ I can suggest living the word ‘equality’ wherein In the moment I notice that the ‘layers of the accumulated jealousy’ toward another kick in in one moment, I stand back for a moment to first stabilize and then bring through within myself the corrections and realizations I have written out before in relation to the person; this means to simply to remind myself that ‘I have walked this experience in relation to x person, therefore, here it is, the opportunity to stand as an equal to x and rather learn from x, communicate with x to establish a supportive relationship where I can in fact acknowledge that what x is/has/is becoming is in fact an expression of what we all can be in our own individual ways and lives, which then directs me to consider and focus on the potential, being grateful with that other person for doing or being something that is supportive toward themselves, life, others and so being an example toward myself and others of what one can get to be/become as well. This sounds also easy to say, but in that moment one has to become aware of potential so-called ‘resistances’ to not realize this, because in our minds we have to understand we have become very dependent on rather relating to others through conflictive relationships rather than supportive ones, and that’s where one has to ‘push’ at times to do what is most supportive, it won’t come ‘easy’ or ‘natural’ either and that’s how one knows one is ‘on the right track’ too, it’s getting out of the previously created ‘comfort zone’ as ‘jealousy’ toward another, preventing us from actually standing equal to others and appreciating them and their expression.

One note to consider in this point of jealousy, here to acknowledge the differences of life experiences and so processes that each one of us will walk through in our lives, where one cannot really ‘compare’ oneself to another person, because, it is really like wanting to compare two trees and deciding which one is the best…. This of course considering that I see trees as an immediate form of reference for uniqueness and individuality, yet ‘sameness’ in the sense that we all know what a ‘tree’ is and can be, but ultimately no tree can be like another…. Lol, it’s funny how sometimes we forget to apply this same thing to ourselves as human beings, but it is so.

Therefore living the self-forgiveness to stand as an equal to another in the moment of facing a ‘possession’ of jealousy is to physically, practically, in every moment that this experience ‘rears its head’ or even we see the tip of it coming up, that we remind ourselves of the written/self-forgiveness process we have walked about it, what our corrections and alignments were and stick to that as a new way of living and relating to person x from here on, for life.

Another layer of the challenges one can face is that if one has lived such a pattern of jealousy for say decades on, it makes sense it will take quite some time to be able to stand fully clear in front of person x and be devoid of jealousy toward them, it really depends on each person and there’s no rule to this either as to ‘how long’ it will take, because this is more about the absolute standing of ‘who one is’ in the moment of facing that other person and so actively deciding to change or not: am I already deciding to live the word equality and appreciation of another’s life and expression? Or am I still holding on to seeing myself as inferior, not as good as, or not as ‘wealthy’ or whatever it is I might compare myself to another for?

The decision to Live Self Forgiveness cannot be altered or changed by anyone else but ourselves, we can only continue kidding or deceiving ourselves or not, and that’s where the development of self-honesty comes through as an actual Living of Self-Forgiveness where one no longer sees ‘others’ or a situation as ‘the origin’ of the problem, but we instead understand how we’ve made of everything and everyone like triggers to make some of our self-cultivated and planted experiences pop out, because they exist within ourselves, we’ve given them our ‘breaths of life’ to create such thoughts and experiences, so it’s never really about ‘the other’ person or situation, at all. It’s always about what we have accepted and allowed to exist within us as an emotional or feeling reaction, a judgment, an opinion, a behavior, a practice, a thinking pattern… etc. These are the moments of real change where I’d dare to say that Self Forgiveness is like laying down the theory, the ‘recipe’ for something, yet the actual proof is when the theory is placed in to practical living application, where one takes the recipe and follows the steps one has placed out to create a certain outcome, and in doing so being willing to practice it, to go through trial and error, to even re-write the steps to the correction and test it out again and repeat it as many times as it takes to get to an optimal stable stance and experience – in this case or example – when facing, communicating, interacting, thinking of or hearing/reading the name of that particular person one has experienced jealousy towards.

And here there are also some points to be aware of such as ‘wanting to for once and for all ‘make peace with’ or ‘bury the hatchet’’ in relation to our experience toward another  and so making it all seem ‘done’ and ‘be ok’ with it on the surface, but this will be proven insufficient or superficially done when facing x person again and seeing the same experience come up, and that can be most likely because one wanted to simply ‘get it over with’ and ‘be done with the experience’ through writing out self-forgiveness, but the reality is that all of that becomes just an attempt to have a ‘quick fix’ and it most likely proves itself to be when the same experience is still there, which means: one has to dig deeper or simply make a more firm decision within oneself to actually change when facing x person.

Another layer of self-deception that prevents oneself from living self forgiveness is a more ‘sneaky one’ lol and that’s if one holds on to the same experience – consciously or inadvertently so – that stands as a point of stubbornness within oneself where one wants to Hold On To the reaction of jealousy or any other emotional reaction toward the person ‘because of….’ And here come all the justifications, the excuses, the ‘reasoning’ as to ‘why’ we are meant to keep or hold our jealousy toward that one person… here what one misses is that we are not really doing it ‘to them’ or ‘to person x’ but we are doing this to ourselves! We are the ones holding on to this stubbornness of reasoning and justifying why we are jealous of them… which of course defeats the whole purpose of walking self-forgiveness and self-honesty, because one is not yet fully and entirely willing to let go of the knowledge and information as reasons and justifications that create a self-righteous experience one has ‘toward another.’

I’d say this is the most self-deceptive and so – by means or as a consequence our own creation – the most difficult point to be at in one’s process, where one keeps pointing a finger at ‘the other’ as ‘the source of the experience’ – which forms blame, self-victimization, self-pity and inferiority, self-righteousness, stubbornness –  and considers that either they are the ones to change ‘toward us’ or we can’t just stop this seemingly overwhelming experience which – I know, I know – it might seem very overwhelming, very ‘potent’ at times, but it does take that continuous practice and so facing and interaction with person x to be able to practice our new stance toward that person. This is a Physical Doing, a learning process just like we – so to speak – ‘learned to be jealous’ at another, but now it is about first stopping giving into the energy of jealousy, stabilize oneself through breathing, taking a ‘step back’ from the situation, deliberately realize the common sense of where one wants to stand and be in relation to x person and others and so live that through communicating, interacting, sharing, being with person x and others in the way that one sees is most supportive for everyone. So that’s why Living Self-Forgiveness is a process: takes time, takes self-will, takes a continuous decision and diligence, a form of self-discipline  it takes courage, it takes letting go of one’s ‘pride’ or any other idea of oneself in relation to others, takes humbleness to acknowledge the points one still has to work on and be completely OK with doing it as many times as it takes to get it to a point of effective self-support.

This is part of what I’ve discussed and concluded also in sharing about these same points with several people, of what it takes to actually change something and what the whole meaning and purpose of self-forgiveness is as a ‘giving oneself a second chance’ to live in an effective manner. There are many more, plenty more ways in which one can self-sabotage one’s living of self forgiveness, like when one wants to hold on to some pattern or experience as a form of blame toward others, as a form of self-punishment, as a form of ‘specialness’ or self-definition, as a form of self-pity to then justify not doing the actual effort it takes to create changes in one’s life… the list goes on, but ultimately one can spot these for oneself if one develops a self-honest approach to one’s process with a genuine initiative and starting point to see and realize what one has done or inflicted upon oneself and so others, and decisively live in a way that is most supportive for oneself and others because, really, we don’t ever ‘win’ anything from living in jealousy or any other reaction toward others, we diminish ourselves and our potential, so it’s about time we give ourselves that will to walk through the challenges, walk through the consequences and face the music for the better.

As one can see, this is then not a single ‘once off’ writing out of the patterns, self-forgiving them and believe that one is ‘freed’ from it forevermore… nope! Self-Forgiveness is not a magic spell or a prayer where hoping and wishing that it will ‘go away’ exists… not at all, it is the first step of laying out the acknowledgement, realizations and so practical, physically tangible and descriptive ways in which we are actively deciding who we want to be and how we want to live for the rest of our lives! Easily said, but! A whole different thing is to walk through it, and this is the ‘gist’ of this process where ultimately it is up to each one of us to do it.  

I can only share these words but it is so that each one of us knows exactly when those moments where the potential, the opening, the ‘moment’ of change is here, in front of us, where we either take it and walk it through – as long as it takes, as challenging as it can be – or we decide to keep ourselves looping around like broken records, stuck in the past, in the justifications, in the stubbornness, in the laziness that one can also get into when perceiving it ‘too hard’ to change something, which simply means there’s more self-introspection to do to realize how empowering it is to take self-responsibility, more direction to decide to change oneself and realize how one can actually have the ‘wheel of one’s life’ if we dare to ‘walk the talk/writings’ or do the actual practical ‘field work’ of our self-corrective statements. Nothing that is worth it comes easily, and so the same applies to this process, yet we tend to forget how honoring and supportive it is to walk this process, every phase and moment of it: it’s for ourselves and it is an actual ‘learning how to live’ process, which won’t have this ‘immediate result’ either or an ‘end point’ itself – which most likely be when we die, lol – so it is definitely about learning to live the best way possible and continuing expanding ourselves and our relationships with our life and that of others through it.

Lastly, I can only suggest that the best way to walk and live self-forgiveness is through genuinely and willingly seeing the reality of ourselves – which is not nice or pretty or something laudable yet– but at the same time also assists us to see the potential we can create by our decision, by living words, by changing the way we decide to live our day to day, moment to moment in whatever and with whomever we are. That’s where the reality of this process resides in.

Thanks for reading.

 

For an actual walk through the construct of Jealousy, check out:

Artwork027

 

Learn HOW to start doing this yourself :


425. If We Dislike Deception, We Have to Become Self-Honest

There is a phase when one becomes aware of the extent of the problems in the world and we go through the vast amount of information that is at our finger tips nowadays and really get to know the nitty-gritty details of the actual prison that we’ve created for ourselves, and the challenge that comes with this is: how not to get imbued by the perception of the ‘oh so ever powerful ones’  – that are in fact a minority in this world – being the sole problem and the ones to blame for everything that’s wrong, we perceive them as being invincible, which is precisely part of the function that they represent within the whole construct of the system in itself. Sometimes the information and getting to know ‘how deep the rabbit hole goes’ becomes a reinforcement to the belief that “there is no possible way out because ‘they’ are everywhere/ ‘they’ are so powerful and invincible.” In that, we actually psychologically become subdued to what we accept as ‘their power’ which we believe ‘is so real’ that the only thing that we apparently can resort to is blaming, complaining, judging others and believing that: there is no possible way out, so why bother? This is the mentality that we have to stop and that I’ll share here how I’ve managed to constantly work on preventing me from falling on the same old patterns.

 

Identifying one’s reactions to the problems

From my perspective and personal experience, it all begins with simple steps, such as how you engage in discussing relevant topics and ‘less known’ information that is termed as ‘conspiracy theories’ which many times are not ‘theories’ but rather the hidden/occult history out of our text books in school and universities and usually explain the actual workings of  this world system, such as who has been in fact ‘behind it all’ and the mechanisms used to galvanize it, which implies that we also had to be part of such control system by compliance. An easy response to knowing ‘who’s who in the zoo’ and in fact ‘sitting at the top of the hill’ can result in us reacting with anger which in turn leads us to ‘spew our mind out’ in blaming and finding this/that president/corporation/elite person as the culprit,  which is not necessarily something that can be supportive for others that might come through and read these comments and opinions on Facebook – or any other social media site – and be exposed to this information for the first time and be shocked at discovering that their president is waging a war in Somalia, Yemen and Pakistan killing over 2000 civilians, which means it is killing people that have most likely nothing to do with any sort of potential terrorists – yet this is all being paid by your taxes… In this case,  what would you say to ‘you’ as that person that is informing themselves about the ills of the world system for the first time, and realizing that their taxes are being used to obliterate certain nations to keep control of poppy fields and trade more drugs? Reinforcing the predictable behavior such as blaming, complaining, calling names and spurting general outrage about it is Not going to solve anything.

 

So where do we start, then?

One thing that I suggest starting with is considering self-responsibility – which is a tough point, and not many people are willing to recognize it, because it involves stopping feeling righteous about calling out the abuse and instead becoming a co-creator of the mess as well. t is about realizing that by virtue of living in this same world: We Are ALL Responsible. So instead of trying to ‘change the world out there’ which becomes indeed an ‘out of reach’ type of experience when considering ‘Oh my god, I have to change the entire world!’ we have to instead consider that this change begins with taking our own lives into our own hands, to become an example, which means: start with our own life.

I bet you also began questioning why this world is the way that it is and why are people in power only being corrupted and evil and being protected by the same laws we are supposed to abide to – is the system rigged in some way? So you as I did most likely began investigating, educating yourself about the problem, developing that interest and critical thinking skills, asking questions, and maybe even getting to know others that were also starting to look for similar answers. What I’ve realized now is that understanding the problem is one part of the solution, but then comes the necessary rule of Taking the point back to oneself and so Dare to ask the more uncomfortable questions, the kind that we’ve forgotten to ask ourselves all along such as: where was I when all of this ‘conspiracy’ took place? How have we allowed ourselves to be consumed and entertained to a point where we forgot about our responsibilities?

Instead we’ve learned to equate happiness to consumption and not consider how real happiness could be genuinely built if we could all come together and agree to integrate the principles we want to live by as a society into a new proposal for a political/economic and social structure, starting with the simplicity of how we can grant each other – for example – the basic right to live in dignity? This is what the provision of a Basic Income entails. This leads to the recognition of Self-Responsibility which implies ‘They’ and ‘Those in Power,’ the ‘Invincible’ ones or those that we perceive as ‘Untouchable’ are not going to give up their power, nor do we have to focus on ‘them’ to create any form of solution either. Instead it’s about focusing on how to empower myself and others at the same time with developing this self-awareness and an understanding of the problem, without reacting to it in the predictability of anger, frustration, rage, blame and wanting to tear the government building down – but instead with maturity and self-responsible assessments.

It is about motivating oneself to see through the a new solution-based mindset and at the same time, inciting others to consider self-responsibility and Act in the awareness of ‘How can I be the solution?’ ‘How can I consider Self-Responsibility?’ within the understanding that we won’t change ‘them’ or others for that matter –  we have to be the ones that step in, we have to be the ones that are willing to correct all of our personal ‘flaws’ which entail a personal debasement to for example, believe that we are disempowered. Instead we have to prove to ourselves that we can stand up as a reformed and corrected type of human being – as a New Human Kind –  that stops all forms of hatred, deception, violence, defensiveness, attack, complacency, defeatism, laziness, conformity and the ever so corrosive illusion of powerlessness, which is precisely what I many times have considered that is created as a result of an extensive amount or information on the fickleness of the human mind that might become emotionally affected by it, becoming obsessed to continue ‘dwelling’ on the same problem in spirals without landing on Earth back with solutions.  It is at the same time strange because this creates a strange sense of false-empowerment that leads – most of the times – nowhere; very, very few are able to read, understand and use the information and awareness constructively to continue building a foundation that gathers even more reasons as to why, for example, in the case of the American ‘Secret War’ as the Drone-Wars, the funds that go to combat a deliberately created boogie man, sending people to kill and enrich all the military contractors, should instead be spent in funding the provision of a basic income in America and creating a genuine safety net to prevent an upcoming crash that has been vaticinated for some time now, yet is already quite palpable based on the amount of poverty that exists in the U.S., isn’t it? So instead of waiting for the war-jackpot to hit home and revive the economy – why not informing people about the possible solution of using that money in a supportive manner that benefits the common man at home – it is about informing the society that such Military Defense budget Is in fact people’s taxes – this is just to name a brief example.

In this, I do not speak of creating Hope either, as it becomes a ‘waiting mode’ with idle expectations based on someone, somehow ‘turning the tables to our favor’ which won’t come at all by itself, and even if it happened that way, we would still then miss out the process of realizing that we actually have to be the ones that must do something about our lives – this whole process of facing massive consequences in this world is in fact a gift to allow ourselves to see what kind of responsibility we’ve abdicated throughout time, and so at the same time realizing that it is in taking self-responsibility that the solution begins.

 

What are the Practical Solutions then?

I can share with you what I’ve done myself which begins with getting to halt my own spewing that I used to vehemently defend and share with anyone else that I could as ‘my right to point out all that is wrong’ in this world and just remain there, in that complain, in that sense of protest which I lived as what I’ve denominated ‘The Loathing Politics’ character and having an ever present and growing hatred and disgust toward virtually anything that has to do with power and politics.  I live in Mexico and one of my first ingrained memories was listening on the radio about the release of a secret tape where some politicians and party enthusiasts were hiding voting ballots beneath the carpets of some governmental building during a presidential election, this was then about the politicians doing the necessary ‘dirty job’ to rig the game…  this became part of the pattern lived throughout my life of getting used to hearing about corruption and political neglect on a daily basis, it is a part of ‘how politics work’ here, hence my loathe and despair to it all back then.

So, to the day (January 30th) 7 years ago I decided to change my life and perspective toward it: from depressive and giving up on anything related to politics/system/society to recognizing that if I want my life and that of others to be genuinely good and supportive = I have to directly do something about it. It all started by me walking my own self-forgiveness on the past hatred toward every aspect of my life that I knew was detrimental to my personal development – this includes my reactions to ‘the world system’ – specifically politicians and people ruling in the catholic church – and so made a clear decision to for once and for stop being the predictable robot that only knows how to complain and blame.I decided to Stop adding my own bs and reactions to ‘those in power.’ Instead, understanding more about ‘the truth’ of this game led me to gather more and more reasons to understand that if a ‘few’ could do it, then our potential if united as the 99% of the world that is not ‘rigging the game’ can form an agreement to take responsibility for creating a new starting point in our society. I’ve also realized there is a massive potential yet to be unleashed that we have to begin growing and enticing within each other with simple steps, changing the way that we look at politics is an example of where one can start with.

 

“We need to do the opposite of what Russell Brand is advocating, we need to use our votes. Even if we don’t want to engage with the current broken system, we should not use that as an excuse for apathy. We should see it as an encouragement to engage in creating our own alternatives, our new co-created systems; to be creative about it and to connect. Connectivity is the key to a rapid change; but information in itself is meaningless if we don’t know how to decode it into wisdom.” –

Birgitta Jonsdottir  “Democracy in the Digital Era” – January, 2015

 

 

This is thus about first understanding the problems, understanding the ‘power structure’ and so realizing that if we see politics plays a big role, if CEO’s play a big role, if influential people in communities play a big role = then We have to become such ‘big roles’ as well! This won’t be an easy task either, because we are all essentially predestined to continue blindly walking the path of the least effort, giving up on the first obstacle we encounter, seeking the most reward without having to move a single finger and so on….  well, those days will be over soon.

We have to consider that we’ve allowed ourselves to be slaves for far too long, therefore it won’t take only 7 years to ‘wake up and change’ – no, we’re talking about walking through the human conditioning that’s lasted for thousands of years, which has increased in the last century at a rapid rate and is ever present now with the ability of be intercommunicated at all times. However in a way it also prompts us to consider first and foremost: how have I contributed to the problem as well with my inaction to take responsibility for it? Is my anger, hatred or blame supportive for myself or anyone? If not, then what would I do if – for example – I was ‘Obama’? or anyone you perceive has more ‘power’ than you for that matter…well, the thing is: we all have the ability and potential, we just squander it too much when being overwhelmed and emotionally driven to give up or just continually seek to focus on something more pleasurable and easily rewarding which is part of the necessary elements to keep ourselves in a divided and conquered mentality = this is the human failure that I decided to not be a part of anymore.

What do I practically do and support?

I support myself and other individuals to walk through this same process I just described, which is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever conceived I’d be doing with my life  – after perusing a rather selfish career in visual arts – and I gave myself a purpose to every single day share what I learn, what I consider as solutions, what I see as the problems and how we can use a documentary, a blog, a news article to reflect how what goes on ‘in the world’ as our individual and collective creation.

So, you can hear all my daily recordings which is a relatively ‘new’ project here: http://mixlr.com/marlen-vargas-del-razo/showreel/ – I support and am directly involved in the promotions of the  Living Income Guaranteed Proposal Living Income Guaranteed Proposal http://livingincome.me/wiki/The_Living_Income_Guaranteed_Proposal / http://youtube.com/livingincome along with an exemplary group of people around the world at Equal Life Foundation which is part of the various efforts that we’ve proposed throughout the years as stepping stones toward political and economic change, while emphasizing on the necessity to include living principles which are similar to the same ones I’ve shared about my personal process.

So for example, providing a basic income/living income is a starting point to first get ourselves out of this survival-coerced mode and so, give each other the certainty of having the necessary to live. This in turn frees the necessary time to educate ourselves, to realize that it is about us now proposing solutions and giving that opportunity to each other to see who would we really be once that money stops being the main problem and obstacle for our personal and collective development. This also requires the will and volition to develop self-leadership and self-governance. It is not an easy task to do, though it is Not impossible either and everyone at ELF can be an example of what it is to live a regular life and still have the time to actually ‘walk the talk’ and direct ourselves to embody the principles that we agree on, the principles that we want to live by as a society and as a result of understanding the problems, which is what many people in the informed community already does – so now it’s about time to take the next step to encourage the development of a solution-based mindset.  

 

Giving up based on how ‘bad things look’ has become a common excuse to not do something about it – my take is: what else is there to do anyways in this world if not attending the problems we’ve caused? What else is there to do if not attending and raising your children, becoming an example of what is to do your work in the best possible way, supporting others to become better themselves, to recognize their potential and assist others in developing it –  which can be done once that one works on one’s own  – practicing our communication abilities, creating supportive personal and working relationships, becoming a living example of what is to Really ‘Be the change you want to see in this world’ and the list goes on…It only takes a decision from ourselves to be a part of the not-giving up group.

 

I would not even focus on trying to awaken those that are too fearful or complacent to even spare some minutes to read, watch or hear something that is beneficial to the whole. We tend to discourage ourselves from believing ‘no one cares’ when in fact, many Do care, but have no idea of where to even start with looking at a way through this mess, so that’s why education and information with a directive proposal for solutions is required and what we are in fact here for, no matter how ‘impossible’ it may seem at the moment – everything starts steps by step with oneself, isn’t it?


 

If we want to stop corruption, then let’s develop self-integrity, if we want to stop all lies and deception, then it’s time to develop self-honesty, if we are tired of ‘greedy people’ then we have to focus on developing moderation and being able to spot our own behavioral patterns and impulses where we give too much attention to that which only benefits ‘me’; this implies being a little bit more ‘selfless’ which is not giving oneself away, but developing a genuine care and empathy for others around us, as they are ‘us’ as well –  yes, even those in ‘high places.’ If we are so tired of the ‘same old’ bs, well, we have to also do some self-introspection and be willing to see and recognize what of ourselves we would like to change, what destructive patterns and habits we have that we know only lead us to a predictable outcome of failure/giving-up/passivity/complacency… how about instead we start considering how we affect ourselves/ others with our words, actions and inactions? What would it mean and what would I do if ‘I’ today had to become a person that is at the service of others like a public-servant/politician?

These are questions that lead us to recognize that we don’t have to wait for a president to give us nice answers on how to solve the problems, we can instead begin this process bit by bit ourselves, no matter how ‘unrealistic’ the feasible solutions might seem, because this ‘unrealistic’ conclusion about possible solutions becomes part of the obstacles to not think outside of the box and is part of the most common sabotage to potentially great ideas that, fortunately, are gaining more attention these days. 

These are the kind of questions that lead us to introspect and ensure that we live every day willing ourselves to see beyond the ‘fog’ and not get overwhelmed by how things currently operate. The trick is not to get lost in the rabbit hole and come out of it scared and only recreating another war as overloaded criticism and antagonism to those that we perceive as ‘the only culprits,’ or to try and attempt to ‘take the power away’ from someone through protesting and waging war – yet another one – with words, imaginations, intentions and predictable defeated outcomes.

This genuine (r)evolution is about focusing on individual self-change so that the way that we relate to one another and the world itself becomes the sheer result and accumulation of these seemingly ‘small changes’ that will certainly not get ‘Obama’ out of office – but will in turn encourage many others to start seeing behind the fog, to consider ways out in a human brain that is designed to always only focus on the friction/conflict and problem… it is about time we get rid of the belief, hope and sheer religious faith where we think that ‘those in power had to do this For Us’. It is about outgrowing the notion and comfortable denomination of ‘those in power’ by realizing that we are in fact the ones that abdicated such power: we are the majority therefore, we are in fact all capable of standing up for what we see will make our lives much better.

Our biggest problem at the moment is apathy and the perception of being powerless, and with this we do a disservice to life when we get too informed about the ultimate nitty gritty on conspiracies, but we don’t act in ways that prove we understand the problem and so have a better notion of how to start solving the problems as well.

 

I quote Junaid Malik with whom I fully agree with when it comes to the solution he proposes, and when I read his words I was glad to realize that not everyone that informs about the actuality and depth of the problem leaves a blog without a clear directive to self-responsibility:

 

There is no short term solution to the multidimensional problems we are facing. Education and awareness are key prerequisites for the change, which can only be achieved through a long term process. Instead of being selfish we will have to revive our faith in self-sacrifice for the common good. Instead of accepting an unequal educational system, we will have to educate all the children, the next generation in this country, without discrimination. Education doesn’t mean reading, writing or getting a degree and finding a job. It means learning to see through the façade of pretense. It means attaining knowledge and wisdom; knowledge to understand what’s going on and wisdom to change it. Let’s give it a try and hope that our next generation, once educated and enlightened, will stand against injustice and inequality, showing the oligarchy the exit door and replacing it with capable individuals in the decision-making process.” – JM http://wp.me/p2zw1Q-1o

 

So, my suggestion is that instead of continuing to rehash the same old predictable self-defeat, we use our time, our words, our simple interactions to share common sense = What WE Can Do in order to realize that it is about US learning to agree on what is best for all, learning to properly communicate, learning to always take the finger back to us and be willing to recognize our own flaws and self-deception first, and so prevent ourselves from jumping into conclusions and criticizing others – it is about being willing to give it our All that is humanly possible to correct the mess we’ve co-created – we all know what would make our lives in this world better, so why don’t we instead focus on working on that which is not only meaningful and gives a new sense to our lives, but absolutely necessary and ultimately our responsibility to the generations to come?  

 Thanks for reading and: walk along if you are ready to stand up

 

You can listen to the original version of this writing here: http://mixlr.com/marlen-vargas-del-razo/showreel/if-we-dislike-deception-we-have-to-become-self-honest/

 

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