Category Archives: Self Forgiveness

547. How to Live Humbleness

 

 

Today I’ll write some self forgiveness to see what I haven’t yet lived and applied in relation to humbleness and the specific and subtle aspects where I miss out on living this very relevant word for me.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the consideration of every person’s living context, abilities, skills, life experience and the rest of patterns and habits that create who each individual is wherein I can approach each person with a set of eyes that is devoid of taking ‘me/myself’ into consideration only, but learns to see and get to know an individual for who and what they are in their own creation, as an individual that cannot be measured in ‘better’ or ‘worse’ type of values, but an individual that I can learn to approach and get to know through time and developing communication/getting to know a person, and learning to see who they are in the moment – not based on their past, not based on ‘ideas’ I’ve created about others – but entirely focusing on their words, their actions and deeds in the moment wherein I stop comparing ‘who they are’ to any sort of ‘ideal’ I create about myself or others in a certain situation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a differentiation between myself and other people based on a perception of skills or abilities – instead of realizing I can in humbleness use my skills, abilities and do whatever I am capable of living and doing in order to assist others if they also want to assist themselves in improving certain skills, supporting themselves in their own life wherein my humbleness approach is then not based on wanting others to develop ‘the same as me’ or ‘become like me’ but it is about me learning to assist another to sculpt themselves, to polish their strengths and strengthen their weaknesses where I can also learn to know an individual for who they are, devoid of ‘more’ or ‘less’/ superior or inferior contexts, but learning to see people the same way that I see trees or parts of nature that I’ve learned to not compare to one another – because that’s a humble approach to life and to us living beings that are worlds in ourselves and cannot be ‘measured’ in any value-system way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself, my life to a set of perceived ‘skills’ only wherein I can instead be humble in realizing that those ways in which I perceived myself as ‘better than’ others are a limitation, because in reality I want to approach people from a genuinely equal stand point wherein I learn to quiet my ‘analyzer-mind’ that tends to quickly judge and ‘gauge’ people, and instead be here hearing what another person has to say, to learn to take in their words, their deeds as who they are in the moment without judgment or appraisal – wherein I can stand equal to them in that moment and simply share myself if I have something to contribute to and if not, be ok with simply being there getting to know an individual.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to live humbleness in my overall approach to people and how I see people where I can use my skills and ways of living and how I can be focused in the details of things and be specific with myself in order to assist others to learn to do the same for others – so that whatever I see is a potential to develop within myself and others can be shared and so instead of me defining myself according to a particular set of skills or abilities, I can use them to assist others and in doing so expand self’s potentials to live in a supportive manner if I see in common sense that is beneficial for everyone involved.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a subtle arrogance and superiority towards people whenever I’ve allowed myself to go into an impatience towards others, instead of realizing I can use my own skills and place them into application to be patient, to be humble, to be considerate of another’s pace in life and process, wherein I then use this skill of being meticulous and detailed in order to get to know others better and continue challenging myself to be able to place myself in their shoes and see how it would be best to assist others as well from their stand point and considering their current ‘views’ and stance, wherein I can apply humbleness as in stopping seeing ‘through my own eyes’ and learn to see from where another is and what they are experiencing because that is what I would like to develop as a skill that it actually becomes an interesting challenge for myself, to be ‘self-less’ when approaching others in the context of getting to know them or being in a context of providing assistance and support towards them.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to use this skill of ‘being aware’ of myself in order to also be more aware of other people, their lives, their context and learn to fully embrace them in who they are without any judgments, without being exigent or over-analyzing others’ situations and experiences, wherein being humble means reminding myself about my own process wherein I know what it is to feel ‘lost’ in my mind and having a perception of seeing ‘no way out’ wherein I can learn to breathe, be stable, relax whenever I am getting frustrated or desperate in relation to seeing repetitive patterns in my life that of others and in consequence of our own reality loops that will continue existing as such until I decide to stop justifying my impatience and reactions towards ‘repetition’, and instead live humbleness as the consideration of each one’s pace and living process which may or may not be like ‘my experience, ‘ but here it is to stop comparing myself to everyone else for once and for all because that’s the real essence of humbleness.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see how the notion of specialness exists as the core of separation in our minds, because when applying humbleness towards one another, we learn to consider each other’s lives and minds completely without any judgment, without any ‘value’ attached to it as more or less or inferior and superior – and this is the essence of equality of learning to see with a new pair of eyes wherein I can stand next to a person – not above, not below – and learn to see who they are through their words, through their body language, through their presence and be ‘self-less’ in that moment so that I can stop comparing myself to them or creating an idea of ‘who they should be’ in that moment, but learn to see in innocence as if I was there for the first time facing them and their situation.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the ability to see things always as if it was ‘the first time’ that I approach a context or a situation in relation to walking a process with another person, wherein I can let go of the judgments I’ve created towards others and who they are and instead approach them anew, each time, so that I can then learn to approach a person from their current reality, instead of holding a ‘profile’ of another and myself towards them from the past and so recreating the past which is what I have to stop doing in order to embrace the moment, the current reality as is without judgment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an exasperation and impatience towards other people instead of considering that it is not about ‘others’ that I create an experience but about my own relationship to ‘others’ existing as judgments and piled-up experiences that I have to first sort out within myself, wherein I can apply humbleness as a first point of letting go of any assessments and ‘qualifications’ I have tended to project onto others and instead be humble in how I operate within myself, wherein I can learn to see myself in others in whichever phase or context they are in and stop referencing ‘back to myself’ to decide ‘who others are for me’ and instead learn to see ‘who they are’ for what they are and do – and that’s it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to exist as elitism in the past wherein through not wanting to get to know all kinds of people I would in fact limit my ability to get to know and appreciate other humans that are also myself and so I was preventing myself from living equality. Whereas currently that I am more focusing on living this equality, I am able to be more open and initiate conversations with others to get to know them and I do require at the same time to do so in full equality instead of subtly going into the ‘I know better’ or ‘I know what kind of people you are’ wherein this becomes a limitation in that moment, so I have to focus on being detailed, specific and quite diligent in stopping my own assumptions I can create towards people even upon a first conversation and instead learn to see them in innocence, without judgments, without ‘qualifications’ of any kind, but be there as a physical being, not a mind-being.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live arrogance as the set of identification of my ‘intellect’ as something superior to that of others, when in fact this same apparent ‘intellect’ becomes the very set of programming that I have to now debunk within myself in order to learn to truly live the word humbleness which cannot be tied at all with knowledge and information, because being humble means fully approaching something like a child would do, without any perceptions, ideas, beliefs, notions about myself or another – and in this, true equality emerges where I learn to see another individual and myself for who I am in the moment, instead of re-loading the plethora of memories, ideas of myself that I have recreated as a mind-set of patterns that I am aware is not supportive. Therefore I want to approach people in innocence and humbleness wherein I can stop any quick assessment related to values, perceptions, ideas, beliefs and push myself to see myself and others for who they are in the moment, regardless of what went ‘before’ them or myself, and so live in the moment assessing reality, not holding on to ‘who I am’ as the past to approach people in this moment of reality.

 

I realize that living humbleness also means being devoid of definitions as particular perceptions of skills, experiences or ‘beneficial aspects’ within myself because that only exists as a notion in my head, and all that matters in a single moment is not who I am as all of that baggage of knowledge and information or tools I can use, but all that matters is how I stand in a moment in relation to a person, wherein I have to now be very specific in not recreating this pattern of superiority and inferiority that I’ve lived throughout my whole life in a very subtle manner, yet ever present.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be humble towards myself and so as an extension towards others wherein I can learn to see people as physical beings and assess who they are in the moment based on the words in the moment, their actions in the moments and be willing to ‘start anew’ each time with them, wherein I can use memory only as a reference of what I know of them, but not to hold that past against myself or others either, because this is not a humble approach to life, so I can be humble in approaching each one ‘anew’ which is in fact approaching life and others in self-forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that I wanted others to ‘see me’ in a different manner as in not placing myself as ‘superior’ or ‘more than’ themselves, but I didn’t realize how I was doing this towards myself and vice versa wherein we create the same patterns of superiority and inferiority in the most subtle ways that we approach one another – therefore I can live humbleness in ensuring that I am being completely equal to another in a moment, without ‘mind interference’  or ‘mind noise’ that judges, that criticizes and the rest of it, but instead be open, vulnerable, humble, considerate and caring in my communication with others, in my reading towards others and in my general interactions with other human beings no matter ‘where’ I get to interact with others or whatever the ‘context’ might be.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give any value to intellect as a point of ‘superiority’ when in fact, this is the very thing that cages us in values and perceptions we create towards everything in ‘consciousness terms,’ because life is not knowledge, life is a living and is a ‘blank slate’ approach from a moment to moment – it is only us as consciousness systems and beings that can generate such separation through our minds towards life, therefore I have to learn how to be life and stop the lies as ‘intellect’  – knowledge and information – from being any form of self-definition within me.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the consideration towards others in self-support, instead of having ‘diminished’ myself to experience problems and conflicts in order to be ‘equal’ to others in my past, instead of seeing how I can be a point of support and share towards others how we can be the better version of ourselves and tap into our potential wherein humbleness becomes not only a way to approach others and learn from them and take them ‘as they are’ but also expands into considering our potential, the creation of the better version of ourselves and this I can start doing by sharing myself and this process in itself of how I decide to stop defining me through knowledge and information and instead see how I can practically become a better living being in something as simple as how I approach a person, a set of information, a context, a culture, a conversation with a strange – any and all things are opportunities and points wherein I can learn to apply humbleness.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the ability to breathe through reading, listening to another or getting to be part of a conversation with people and learn to see others as their words in the moment, and not ‘hold others captive’ based on who they have been in the past, because living humbleness and consideration means approaching the moment as is without ‘baggage of the past’ – and this is also something to apply to myself of course wherein living in the moment means not reliving the same judgmental patterns within my mind, but be clear, be anew, approach the moment in innocence – yet with the experience of common sense and self-honesty as well.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the application of equality and considering others in placing myself in the shoes of another without the notion that ‘I am doing this to ‘reduce myself’ because that single perception of ‘reducing’ me, is coming from a form of superiority – therefore I realize that placing myself in the shoes of another is a true equal one on one, no more, no less and this I have to be very cautious and aware of when placing it into application.

 

I commit myself to live humbleness as the consideration of my process and every one else’s unique process and position in life wherein I cannot compare myself to anyone nor vice versa, because each individual is unique and having a very particular set of experiences and living conditions that I cannot at all ever cage into a judgment or ‘value’ of sorts – but only consider equality and consider the potential that we can bring out in each other if approaching ourselves in humbleness.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the ability to stand as and in the shoes of another, wherein there is no need to try and ‘connect’ but rather to realize I am them as well and I don’t have to connect through a personality with others, but I can learn to see directly who they are through their expression, and so being humble to get to know another for who they are in that moment and so over time without holding another captive to ‘initial or past memories’ created towards them, which are always not about ‘them’ but about how I used my mind to cage another in certain values and experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the understanding of who we are in our minds and so approach each mind, each person, each life without a judgment to it, wherein I can yes still see and understand patterns, see what another is experiencing but without adding it a judgment as a value of that being ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or ‘superior’ or ‘inferior’ anymore – but stick to seeing what is possible if one works on developing a potential, such as the process that it takes to develop self-honesty, learning to be ok with seeing the truth of ourselves, our flaws and be willing to be committed to work on those as part of our humble approach to life as well, because this means we have no limitation as well to do something and to give ourselves an opportunity to live.

 

I commit myself to live attention within myself in my interaction with others wherein I can be humble in my approach towards others and embrace them as equals, learn to see them ‘anew’ in a moment and so also be humble within myself to learn and practice what it is to live equality, which is being devoid of the gauging-mindset or set of polarity values that are separate and have no relationship to life – I instead can be living and embodying equality within myself so that I can ensure my approach towards the life in others is seen in innocence and common sense, considering what’s best for myself and them and the context and life itself.

 

I commit myself to learn to approach another person without any judgment of ‘who I am’ in relation to them, but instead be devoid of knowledge and information that defines me as ‘more or less than’ another, but be physical, be attentive in who I am in that moment and so who another or others are in the moment, because that’s the kind of embracing equality and humbleness that I want to live in my life and that I know will simplify the way I relate to myself and others, where there are no more ‘expectations’ or ‘pre-tense’ but simply living in the moment, as life and that’s the way forward for me. J

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


532. Expressing Self-Trust and Confidence

 

§  Continuing from: 531. Redefining Self-Confidence

 

Here I’ll apply self-forgiveness on all the points I wrote out in the previous blogs, in order to tackle my self-created limitations and for once and for all rather see the benefit of owning my creation as my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience hesitation, self-doubt and lack of confidence whenever I am having to make decisions on my own and have no one to reference my decisions with, wherein I have gotten used to always being able to have the approval or disapproval of others to then decide to make a particular decision in my life alone – instead of realizing that regardless of what others might say, I am the one that will ultimately live with the outcome of such decision and as such, it is ultimately a point where I have to learn to trust myself, which in this case means learning from making my own decisions, moves and choices and accordingly walk through them, not fearing making mistakes or going ‘the wrong’ way because that’s how I’ve found that I get to then define and fine tune my decisions, my next steps and next choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate what is really behind the hesitation, self doubt or uncertainty before which is in fact a fear of making mistakes, a fear of not really achieving my utmost potential – however I forget that such outcome as ‘best potential’ can only exist through practice, through making many choices, possibly many mistakes and walking many paths to then get to find ‘my expression’ wherein, in fear, I actually don’t get to truly develop myself because of existing mostly in ‘fear’ and as such in a constant limitation that leads me to be in a stifling position, ‘giving up’ in doing something out of giving too much weight on an outcome or the opinions on them, instead of realizing that I am the only one that is able to give weight – or a negative value – to mistakes, to attempts, to apparent ‘failed choices’ – and instead learn from it, stand up and do it all over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others’ opinions and perspectives on my expression in order to keep going or completely use them as a deterrent to stop my expression in certain ways, instead of realizing that a point of expression is to represent who I am in that particular moment with what I want to create, what I want to communicate to others ultimately and as such, there is no ‘right or wrong’ or ‘good or bad’ in it, but only a process of referencing myself, seeing how satisfied or not I am with it, taking myself into consideration and not looking for others’ opinions to decide to continue or not.

I realize that I have been my own worst critic as well so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be my own worst critic wherein I have defined what I do as not ‘good enough’ when I compare it to what others do/express and so, have allowed myself to use this judgment as a reason to completely give up on something and get into an experience of ‘what’s the use’ – when a point of expression is precisely about practicing, doing it as much as one can until one can create or build a point of self-trust and confidence in it, which I can attest is definitely a process in other aspects of my life, but interestingly enough when it comes to creative expression, it’s like hitting a wall and this is mostly based on others’ feedback that I’ve taken ‘to the heart’, instead of staying true to myself, referencing it with myself first and foremost.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in self-doubt when it comes to assessing ‘what to do next’ or ‘what could I change or improve’ wherein the actual fear behind it is ‘fucking it up’ – wrecking it, messing it and so apparently ‘lose out’ an opportunity to have created something that I could be ‘proud of’ – but in reality there is nothing that we can create in ‘one go’ and have it come out ‘perfectly’ at once, and I realize that this ‘perfectionism’ or the idea that I have about what I can be satisfied with can be a huge show-stopper to me if I dare to start over-analyzing everything and then concluding that it is not what I expected, or it wasn’t as I intended – instead of realizing that this is a process of self-creation and self-expression, it takes practice, will take time, will take several tries maybe, but the point is to persevere and not give up ‘trying’ or getting frustrated for not getting a desired outcome.

I realize the practicality of practice and perseverance in this, wherein over time and continuous practice I am aware we can get to be more confident in doing anything – and the same therefore can be created in any point of artistic expression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give judgments, opinions, positive and negative values to words in relation to any point of artistic expression to the point of using them to validate or disqualify what I do as ‘good enough,’ where deep down I know I can trust myself in what I see, but have ultimately usually veered to get others’ reference and perspectives, which over the years I’ve used as a reason to not keep going, but, this is entirely my own decision, my own process in reality that I cannot blame on anyone’s opinion, because it’s only me that has given it sufficient value/worth to make an opinion more important than what I decide to express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define confidence based on ‘doing something that is unique’ and so ‘special’ and so, whenever I started finding ‘similar work’ to mine, I sank into a pointlessness because of thinking that ‘everyone else is also doing it, so what’s the point?  When in fact, this is when comparison kicks in and so I stop seeing ‘the point’ when in fact, the point is myself, it’s about my expression regardless of what others do or not do or how similar it is.

Ultimately if I would measure anything I do based on how others do it, I’d be in a constant state of ‘giving up’ because ‘everyone else would be doing a lot of the same things I do anyways’ lol – when in fact this is about my expression, my development, my process, even regardless of the ‘final outcome’ but more so focusing on what I go learning about myself in the process as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for example diminish my photographs as something that ‘anyone else could have taken’ or something that ‘everyone nowadays can do with cellphones’ which I used as an excuse to give up on taking photographs based on ‘others already doing it,’ instead of rather realizing each one of those photographs were moments where I was truly focused in my reality and making a decision to capture something, it actually assisted me a lot to pay close attention to my surroundings in a constant manner, which I still enjoy doing yet don’t take photographs any longer because of thinking ‘what’s the point, there’s thousands of pictures with the same thing, nothing new’ where I then doubt myself even with the potential of taking a photograph because ‘others probably already took one similar’ – which again, if I expanded this kind of assessment to anything else, I would be constantly stopping myself from doing anything based on what ‘others have done already.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to doubt myself, become hesitant and ultimately feel ‘incompetent’ in relation to points of self-expression in arts because of going into comparison, believing that there’s nothing ‘special’ in my stuff so why should I bother? But I realize and have seen from others’ examples how people that stick to developing themselves and persist on practicing, eventually get to be quite confident in their creations – and that’s the potential that exists when we don’t stop to compare ourselves to others, but stay true to oneself, to the purpose of the point of creation which is ultimately of self-creation, where the result is only that, an outflow or a consequence of a deeper process that takes place while creating something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be focused on ‘a result’ within my expression, instead of considering the ‘who I am’ throughout the whole process, which ultimately is what is part of my self-creation that I’d like to develop and focus on, every moment’s decision and trusting myself within them, considering it all as a process to learn about myself, to learn about giving ‘shape’ to something and also to take responsibility for my creation where I am the one that is entirely behind it, and not any one else’s opinion or perspective on it – this way, whatever anyone else can say about it is an extra opinion, and not a defining factor that determines anything for me – but can only take it as a point of feedback for sure.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to discourage myself from continuing any point of self-expression based on my own opinions, judgments and expectations standing as self-criticism, that led me to then rather ‘not bother’ at all with it, in spite of how I see that when walking through my own veils of perception, I can actually enjoy doing it and I enjoy seeing ‘me’ in every step of the way and reflect it all back to what I am, where I am and who I am behind that one point of self-creation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have defined confidence in the past based on reassuring or supportive comments made by others whose opinion I deem as important and in some cases having certain authority or superiority over myself, to then decide to continue or not doing something, wherein I then placed my expression, my perseverance in the hands of an opinion, a judgment and a perception – instead of having allowed myself to trust me in continuing to work on it, and stop my own backchat in relation to it, while focusing on the physical process of creation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to covertly blame someone else as the reason why I decided to not play music anymore, wherein I am the one that took another’s words and attitude personally and made it a reason, excuse and justification why I didn’t have to bother anymore with practicing playing music, and instead only focus on doing visual arts – eventually extending my own judgments to anything related to visual arts wherein I then stopped doing any of it at all because of believing how pointless it all is – therefore, there is no one to ‘blame’ for this. This is essentially something I did to myself and so I can only now stand up from it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take an opinion, a judgment, a perception as ‘truth’ – when in fact the truth is who I am in every moment of creating something, the decision I make and their outcome – which means when I decide to stand all the way in every step of the way, that’s where I see I build self-trust and confidence in relation to ‘the outcomes’ because then I am certain that this is something I created for myself, by myself, without any pretense other than expressing who I am, which is where I want to develop my strength as well, instead of taking ‘what I believe others will say’ into consideration, which is not really about ‘others’ then, but about myself not limiting me by all of that. .

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive that ‘I didn’t enjoy making art any longer’ when in fact, it was the series of judgments, perceptions, opinions that I allowed to take precedence over the creation process of me-expressing-myself, and so that’s where it became tiresome, unbearable, causing more ‘stress’ than enjoyment – and it all was because of how much I gave value and worth to judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear’ not having any other point of reference for my creation, wherein, I believe that I cannot ‘continue’ doing something unless I get any form of feedback from others – and in such situations or contexts it makes sense, but when it comes to artistic expression, it is truly the one point where I am the one with the ultimate and only say, because it is a point of expression that cannot be judged as ‘good or bad’ and this is also why I also started resisting to do anything related to arts, because of how ‘ambiguous’ it would be through my judgmental eyes in terms of being unable to define it as good or not based on ‘others’ perspectives’ but ultimately, this is where I have to be the one that stands through in it all regardless, doing it as my expression, which cannot be ‘contained’ in a few judgments of value.

I commit myself to continue practicing building, consolidating and densifying my ‘confidence’ through artistic expression – and any other point of expression for that matter – where I can learn to trust my decisions, walk a point of self-creation all the way and ultimately ‘own’ my creation regardless of the outcome, learning from it  and trusting myself in my ability to learn and stand up from mistakes, not being afraid to making mistakes but rather reminding myself that’s the way to continue moving forward in any point of creation, to persevere, to be consistent and to not allow judgments, opinions or perceptions about it in my mind to deter me from continuing.

This is then how one gets to be comfortable in doing something, through practice and then ultimately that practice & repetition creates a solidity of it at a physical level, where there is a point of control and flow as well, which means being present, being directive yet not rigid about the outcomes, flowing with it yet being aware of the path all the way – and this is then what I can integrate as a physical expression of self-confidence.

Thanks for reading.

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


528. Hostages of the Past

Or how I’ve been existing in righteousness about the ideas, beliefs, opinions and perceptions towards people that I haven’t seen in a long time yet have dared to create an opinion about ‘who they are’ in their lives – and standing up from the gossipy me.

I listened to this audio interview called Directing Relationships and found it quite supportive considering I had a similar situation recently based on having to explain my past relationship with someone that another person also got to know of and we both had the point in common that our relationship with that person ended up with some kind of discontent on that person’s side so, in a way through this conversation we were seconding our perspectives about that other person being conflictive or ‘the problem.’

However the reality of the point is that I haven’t really talked to this person we were talking about in years and even if our last failed interaction ended up in me being like ‘what did I do that made him get so pissed off?’ I never really made any move to clarify things or haven’t made any decision to get in contact with the person and see where they’re at in their life currently, because ‘I saw no point’ but the reality is that there are judgments there that created such vacuum for me towards that other person.

Based on what I got from this sharing that Sunette recorded in that audio, I got to see how I did participate in a form of gossip in that conversation, where I was caging the person in a definition of who they were over ten years ago and where I last saw them which was almost four years ago, which means: a long time ago already.

I’ve noticed that I’ve actually kept this and many more people in my life in a particular bubble of judgments as all the reasons why I stopped talking to them, why I cut ties with them at the time – this mostly happening some 9 or 8 years ago, which is already quite a long time to even believe that I have a say on ‘who these people are’ currently, because I know for myself that I am certainly not the same person I was 10 years ago and that any idea, belief or perception I’ve kept throughout this whole time about someone being ‘this or that’ without actually talking to them and referencing ‘who they currently are’ ends up being an assumption and yes also a form of gossip where I believe ‘I know’ the person ‘so well,’ but is it, really? Not at all.

And another aspect is that even if I would spend my days with such person currently, I would still not have any authority to have a definitive say about ‘who they really are’ as a person, because it all would still be my perception, my opinion and limited judgment about another.

So I got a very cool wakeup call through this recording where I got to see where I had just precisely done that whole gossiping myself without even having identified it as such to begin with, because I was really certain about my ‘final verdict’ on ‘who this person is currently’ and I was standing in my judge position as if I knew exactly who the person is, not considering the time that has passed and the lack of interaction with them currently.

Therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold people in my past as hostages in my mind, wherein I would only ‘release them’ if I could have any interaction with them where I could define that ‘I am ok towards them again’ and therefore, release all of the judgments of the past, instead of realizing that I am the one that has created this whole hostage situation based on my own judgments and that it is because of those judgments that I would not actually allow myself to approach them currently in my life, even if an opportunity would arise, which I hereby realize I have to change and be willing to be open and approachable if the opportunity arises to see, talk and hang out with these people again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in gossip towards another person that I believe I know ‘so well’ and speak from past memories of who I believed them to be ten years ago, while pretending to know ‘who they currently are’ as if I had an authority over them and have a say on their lives and ‘how they are’ which is not at all so.

Here I realize that what came through are all the judgments that I’ve kept towards that person as a series of reasons and justifications of why I decided to not talk to that person again, wherein I made up a belief in my mind of ‘who they are’ and thus why we are no longer able to get along or talk to each other – this is limiting for myself because I am holding another captive in my mind based on past judgments, which means I am holding myself captive to my own judgments as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have any say about another person that I haven’t had any contact with in years, yet that I’ve held in the exact same position of ten years ago where I last interacted with them sufficiently to say ‘I know them’- when in fact, I currently do not know them, haven’t talked to them at all therefore have no say in ‘where they’re at’ in their life or ‘what they’re all about’ – which means that any judgments and opinions I shared with another person about this person is nothing else but gossip, assumptions, opinions and judgments which I would certainly not want any person to do onto myself, therefore I have to live my own principles and not dare to speak of another out of old memories, experiences and judgments that I’ve held towards another for so long and that I have to take responsibility for within myself, not share my own ‘backchat’ about them with others as ‘the truth of who they are’ which is definitely now who I want to be in conversation with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my opinions and judgments towards another individual because of believing that ‘I know that person so well’ that I am entirely correct in all of my assessments, and therefore it gives me this ‘authority’ to say what I have to say about the person – when in fact, it is actually really daring to say ‘I know someone’ in the totality of who they are even if they were part of my own family or a close relationship, because most of the times we really don’t know a person in their totality and therefore it doesn’t give us any ‘authority’ to speak about them or define them in a set of words that I’ve kept mostly as a reason, justification and excuse to not have to align my relationship towards that person in self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I am right’ in my words and assessment about that person because this is what I’ve told to myself for all of these years to justify keeping that person in a ‘cage’ in my own mind, which I have not even dared to open up and investigate for myself, what the truth and reality of my relationship with that person entailed in my life and the impacts it had  in general, where I do not only look at all the seemingly ‘bad’ but instead I can also now dare to see it and open it up to recognize the aspects that I could take form that person in my own life and benefit from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep the idea of a person in my head captive, judging them and loading them with ‘all the bad stuff and aspects I could think of’ in order to also make myself belief that ‘there is no value in another person because of all of that’ when in fact, I am the only one that is devaluing myself in keeping judgments like these about another person, even more so when not having kept in contact with them for such a long time which means, I don’t really know the person currently and I have no say in where they’re at in their lives currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an absolutist judge in my head towards people in my past where I ended off relationships because of only focusing on ‘all the bad aspects’ that I saw at the time in them and so in a way giving up ‘on them’ without realizing that I in fact gave up on myself and my ability to learn to see a person for who they are in their totality, with all the pros and cons and not ‘give up’ on someone based on only focusing on the  problems, conflicts or disagreements that we had during a relationship, but instead be willing to also see the supportive and constructive aspects of a person as well, instead of believing that because I am no longer in a relationship with them and haven’t seen them in such a long time, I have a right to diminish and judge them with all my past judgments that were also created and kept from the time where I got to be most radical in myself and very absolutist in nature as well, which in the end has only been a limitation in me to not approach them with clear eyes myself.

Therefore I realize that I’ve kept my own righteousness, absolutism and judgmental perspectives upon people after all of this time based on ideas, beliefs or perceptions that I certainly see do not honor them as beings, nor does it all honor myself as the holder of all of that backchat as opinions, judgments, beliefs about ‘who others are’ which actually do not define them, but define myself as I am the creator and holder of such judgments ‘towards others.’

I hereby commit myself to stop holding others as hostages of the past in my own mind – including myself as well – wherein I have to remind myself that I can only be holding myself captive by those judgments wherein I am the one creating a barrier to not interact with these people anymore or believe that I would not dare to talk to them again, all of it based on memories, ideas, prejudices of the past which would mean I haven’t really self-forgiven and let go my relationships with them ‘back then.’

Therefore I have to give myself the opportunity to start from scratch and let go of the notion of having ‘a say’ about anyone of my past, and instead dare to get to know who they currently are, what they are about, how they are currently doing in their life and open up a door for me to also transcend a lot of my judgments of the past and within that, transcend the ‘judgmental me’ that I’ve kept with righteousness for so long within myself.

I also here commit to stop holding myself captive in ‘who I was’ in the past and therefore who I was in interactions with others in the past, so that if and when anyone speaks about another person that I used to be related with a long time ago, I can genuinely say that I sincerely not know where they’re at right now or how they are doing and I cannot really say I ‘know them so well’ either, because I only interacted them such a long time ago that it is not a fresh perspective that I can have any authority to share with another – and even if I had any current interaction with another, I genuinely have no say in defining another person with a few words in their totality either.  I can instead share a general experience of how I interacted with that person ‘back in the day’ while clarifying  that this is how it was before, that this defines me and my experience only, so this is only memory and perception based and has no validity to define who the person actually is.

By sharing these past experiences and emphasizing on how they were ‘experiences of the past that don’t define the person currently, nor myself’ I can also possibly assist others in learning to see for themselves how we tend to hold others captive in our minds based on a conflict or disagreement that happened in the past, which ultimately diminishes our ability to transcend our own limitations as judgments, perceptions, opinions and beliefs about ourselves and others.

So, I will walk as well a personal process in opening up more in relation to this person in my life because it is for a reason that they keep ‘coming up’ in my awareness and it might just be because I have kept them ‘in a cage’ in my mind, loading the idea of that person with opinions, judgments and perceptions that I sincerely had not actually realized I was doing, because of being completely believing that ‘I was right’ about my perceptions on that person and in essence, containing myself in a relationship with them of avoidance, of judgment, of holding a grudge and perceiving that ‘they were a mistake of my past’ which is part of what I have to deconstruct for myself for sure and so set myself free and set the idea I have of this and many others in my life ‘free’ in my mind, and standing one and equal to who they really are.

Thanks for reading.

 

 Captivity


522. Standing Up From The Past

Or stopping self-definitions and self-judgments according to my past and focusing on who I currently am in my life

It was an interesting day because for various reasons I got to be recalling  a lot about ‘who I was’ over 10 years ago and what I was like and what I was ‘up to’ around that time. I discussed it with different people for various reasons, one of them being related to music because I plan on attending a music festival for the first time after some years of attending that kind of events, but this time I got a nice offer for it and a free trip to go there through a concert travel agency because of the amount of times I had used their services throughout my teenage years – probably going to some 15 concerts at the time so, they had this promotion that with having over 10 trips with them, one gets a free trip and that’s what I got, which is great! And I truly was doubting myself in going for it, like even seeing myself as ‘too old for that stuff’ lol – but I decided to give it a go and be open for it, regardless of my reluctance.

The point here is how I saw this people after over 10 years and it was quite funny how they remember me – over 10 years ago – yet I also noticed I was genuinely glad to see them too and see that their business has flourished. I also saw an ex-school mate in a store and it was also interesting to see someone – that I would see around on a daily basis during high school – after over a decade which again made me consider ‘the time that has passed’ yet being able to relate to him just because of that common space as high school.  Then I was talking with my mother about ‘the old times’ where I was very much this avid teenager that wanted to be going out to concerts all the time and what was my life back then: music, books, my friends and doing the whole ‘exploration’ of what it means to live at the same time.

I also had a chat with another person about how I used to play guitar and bass and how I once had a band for a little while and the people I used to be friends with, and some other things that led me to ‘bring the past back here’ and even though I enjoyed sharing myself in this, in some aspects or specific ‘topics’ I noticed I was a bit ashamed in relation to ‘how others will see me now’ based on the kind of relationships I had and how I held on to them as if they were really supportive for me, when the reality was that they were not really so. Yet as with everything, ‘investigating all things and keep what’s best,’ even while having been at the time with people that are not that easy going or having certain ‘special ways’ of being generally conflictive or having certain addictions etc. I could also in that moment realize that there were a few things that I did learn about them and that I’ve integrated as part of who I am in my life, things that I saw I liked about them and when applying them in my life it made my relationships with people easier, and I also shared that so as to explain that it’s not like it was ‘all bad’ but also create an equilibrium with some cool points from it all.

I did notice that while going back to over a decade ago in my conversations with people today, I got a sensation first of all of ‘Man, I’m growing old, I’m old! I once was young!’ LOL! Which I actually said out loud to some guys today and it was a funny moment – while others after so many years thought I was only 25 – well! Anyone would be flattered with that but I stand on my age really which is 30 and as much as at some point I really had become like ‘marked’ by some things of my past, it was truly when I started walking this process at Desteni at the age of 21 that I learned to let go of ‘carrying my past’ as a burden and stopping doing everything that I was seeking to do just to now be a ‘better person’ compared to ‘who I was in the past’.

And it was true that my past was ‘haunting me’ as it was explained in a structural resonance alignment research video that I was quite fortunate to get 9 years ago, because it was the first time that I was able to see to what extent I was always carrying my past as a ‘burden’, as something that I could not ‘make peace with and let go,’ and that’s because I was still defining myself, who I am here in the present according to my past, which sounds simple and easy to understand but it was truly in that moment when I heard this video-recording that I realized to what extent I was compromising myself because of ‘holding my past’ in my present, in this moment.

Now, this point of ‘holding the past in the present’ exists in fact as everything that we have become in our minds, it’s the way we think, we do things, we react, how we’ve ‘always’ done something that we haven’t directly changed or aligned within ourselves, that’s still us recreating the past within ourselves. So, at the time I worked quite a lot with self-forgiving all those memories, relationships, experiences, judgments, a lot of the judgment towards ‘all of that’ which I also might be making worse than it actually was, which is also a common thing we tend to do in our minds: blow things out of proportion.

So as I was sharing more about this ‘past time’ in my life, I noticed that there was an inkling of discomfort, very subtle when sharing some of the decisions I made at the time in terms of friendships and relationships and having myself be associated with people that at some level I wish I would not have been associated with, a form of subtle regret. However, at the same time it is part of what ‘shaped me’ and even though I got to see with clarity years later on what ‘drove me’ into those situations in my life and what I compromised of myself within it all, I still can only learn from it and ensure that I do not continue these same patterns.

In this case, unfortunately I do consider I continued repeating similar patterns which I definitely see that I have to be very aware and careful when it comes to who I decide to be in my life which will therefore define the kind of people and relationships and projects and things that I associate myself with.  So, this is a reminder for myself that as much as my past does not define me – and I frankly as I shared about it yesterday, cannot see ‘me’ in the same way that I was in the past – there will still be people that will relate to me based on those memories that they had of myself back then and yes it will be quite a change but, isn’t that actually very cool? That I can share with someone of ‘my past’ and say yes I’ve changed, I’m not the same as the person you once met but it’s still ‘me’ just not in all of those traits and aspects I had, it’s a better version of me.

And that’s what kind of happened when seeing these people ‘from the past’, people that I had not seen in over a decade and I actually also asked where they’re at now, how they have gotten their family growing, their businesses growing, asking how ‘life has been’ in a way where there’s simply a genuine enjoyment at the same time of being able to relate to people ‘from the past’ in my present moment.

I also realized I don’t need to even explain myself of ‘where I’m at’ because I simply relate to them with a genuine gladness of seeing them again, that’s who I decide to be then from now on, which actually also happened last month with seeing a girl that used to be one of my best friends in high school and seeing her was a genuine ‘good moment’ for me even if we don’t keep in touch anymore and that also kind of made me remember ‘who I was’ and how I used to be and behave in high school and almost wanting to say to her ‘hey I’ve changed!’ but it wasn’t needed, I simply was ‘me’ in the moment and let go of ‘how she would see me now’.

So as I’ve shared before, even if I had certain ‘traits’ and personalities before this process, I made sure there was always this constant in me of being able to relate to all people and that’s now what’s coming up even stronger in me as a point of expression, which is enjoyable for me and for others as well, because that’s the world I’d like to also create with all of us, where we can relate to each other and start ‘anew’ every time, be clear within ourselves instead of talking only to ‘memories’ that we’ve held within ourselves about each other and hold on to grudges and past ‘feuds’ and stuff like that, it’s not healthy for anyone, so best way is to forgive oneself for whatever ‘went on’ in our lives and move on to stand clear in our present within ourselves and so towards others.

In essence I had to let go of my judgments about myself, about ‘who I was’ and even when sharing more about the people I related with, to not be afraid to share this because yes, that’s where I was in my life, it does not define ‘me’ currently, it’s not what I’ve continued ‘to be’ up to now yet, there will always be people that were ‘with me’ or part of my past or a time in my life that I cannot ‘swipe off’ completely, I rather make it a point to greet everyone the way I’ve done in these occasions and in general, not holding a judgment up to people, but simply being ‘in the moment’ with them, which also simplifies things a lot in our interactions.

Now it’s about me not fearing that others will ‘define me’ according to who I was or who I related myself with, not that I was ‘the worst of the worst’ either lol, but simply quite different to where I am now. However this is actually a bit weird because I would find it awkward if I had not moved an iota as a person in my life and develop or change in any way over 10 years. It is actually then questionable why I would worry about ‘who I was’ and believing that at the eyes of others I am probably the same I was when I was 17 years old… it doesn’t make sense! It only makes sense if I am the one that is defining people according to how I saw them 10 years ago – now that’s the point here to take it back to myself.

So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually hold a memory of who these people were in the past and still believe I can ‘know who they are now’ based on those memories, which would be the definition of me doing onto others what I am precisely fearing they would ‘do onto me’ which then I must stop and cease to do within me first of all, because that’s the judgment I hold to myself, about myself and about others that must stop within me here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subtly fearing that others will define me according to who I was over 10 years ago and hold me in that ‘idea’ of myself, and so creating an experience of being ashamed or regretful of my past, of who I was back then or pondering ‘how they saw me’ which again, proves that these judgments are not theirs but only my own, my own ways in which I have gotten to still judge aspects of my life, decisions I made, relationships I had – but I also see that I would not be ‘here’ as I am if I had not gone through all of that which led me to also seek for a way to support myself at the same time and give myself a purpose beyond of all of those things and ways in which I was quite desperately and eagerly ‘searching for myself.’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the only judgments that I can in fact look at and change are my own, not anyone else’s, and that if anyone has an idea of myself about who I was in the past and tries to match that who I am now, it’s entirely their process and their decision to do so, I cannot change that at all nor can I control or try and ‘create a new version of me’ so that they know ‘I’ve changed!’ because that’s not the point here either, not about others, all about myself.

What matters here is being clear within myself about all things related to my past, that time of my life while I was a teenager and all the things that I did which might not have been the ‘best ways’ to explore my life, but at the same time I have stood up from that and evolved into the person that I can now genuinely be with and not be afraid of ‘being in my skin’ and knowing who I am and actually genuinely recognizing the worth within myself as life that I have been working on to develop within myself and so in whoever I get to be in contact with.

And that’s much more substantial and why not, valuable for me than any perception, idea, belief or judgment I may hold ‘against’ me based on my past – because I’ve decided that my past doesn’t define who I am in this moment and I’ve mostly ‘shed that skin’ already, which I am glad for and this is also me entering t into 30 years and 6 months of age today and I like doing some of these ‘life recaps’ not only on a birthday but whenever I see the calendar hits the ‘first day of the month’ and I consider that today was an interesting set of events that led me to ‘remember me’ and see what could still come up as a judgment – but it’s definitely not something I get emotional or reactive about, I can easily speak about it as a part of ‘who I was’ – but it’s more of a shame ‘at the eyes of others’ which emerged, so I have to remind myself that what matters are not ‘the falls’ and being defined by ‘who I was’ but I decide to define myself according to the ways in which I have stood up again, in which I am till this day committing to support myself to be the person that I know I can be with for the rest of my life, and continue developing myself for the best.

So I am grateful for my day today where through various interactions and moments with others I was able to open up the ‘box of memories’ and confront others beyond ‘the memory’ I had of myself with them, but genuinely expressing and presenting myself as who I am now, while still being able to relate to them, without trying to ‘re-live’ the old me or anything like that, not needed at all. I was more in a stance of this is me now, this is what I do, this is where I stand and that’s exactly what I want you to be interacting with right now.

And that was nice to do as well in new interactions with people where I could share about my past candidly and simply take a ‘note’ of this slight shame that came up which I’ve realized here in this blog it’s just my own judgments that I need to stop based on ‘the past’ and so focus entirely on who I currently am.

That’s about it for now, point of the day: not to be ashamed or be ‘haunted’ by one’s past, not to allow myself to define me by my past, but rather focus on who I decide to be in this moment, who I decide to express myself as with new acquaintances and older ones that I had not seen in a long time, and that’s in fact all around awesome and self-supportive

Thanks for reading,

Enjoy

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


517. Mirroring Judgments

Or self-forgiving the judgments that I have believe ‘others create’ towards me and discover: it’s always been me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate getting to write about the subject of ‘what will others say’ because of considering that then I will have to confront my own expectations, which is in fact what I have to do in order to walk through my own fears, expectations or experiences that I’ve created around the topic of ‘sharing’ myself about what I have defined as not ‘favorable’ or not a ‘positive outcome’ for myself – yet, I have to realize this is the way that I allowed myself to define it as a ‘negative outcome’ which is a negative charge I am deciding to imprint on it based on how I initially judged it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prolong sharing something based on my own prejudices, ideas, beliefs about ‘being judged back’ or being perceived as a ‘failure’ in the outcome of my sharing, instead of realizing that all of that which I believe others will say, think or react like is in fact based on my own ideas, judgments that I am imposing onto myself based on my own beliefs, ideas and expectations of how I would have liked my life to go, what I consider would have been the ideal outcome and therefore upon seeing that this is not the case, I would prefer not to confront what I am defining as a ‘negative outcome’ which is a way in which I have also decided to judge the situation – therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the outcome of my creation in a negative way and consider myself a ‘failure’ for it based on the expectations I had placed on myself within it and who I was throughout it all – but here I have to make peace with the fact that not everything is ‘under my control’ and that not everything depended on my own actions or inactions to make something work as intended – therefore, being able to remind myself who I was from the beginning to end of a point of creation which is my point of self-honesty, instead of participating within my own projections and prejudices about supposed judgments that ‘others’ might say which are in fact the ways I judged myself for this outcome in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see me through what I believe are ‘the eyes of others’ as judgments, beliefs, expectations when in fact those eyes are my own eyes and in any case if there were any judgments, opinions and perceptions towards ‘me’, it would define the people that create such judgments which is something we rarely get to acknowledge whenever we judge: we do it to ourselves, not to ‘others’ – therefore, here I have to stop being my ‘own worst judge’ and ‘expecting the worst’ because this is only created in my own mind based on an idea, belief or perception that I wanted to ‘keep’ having about myself, when in fact in self-honesty, whatever I create or participate on doesn’t define ‘me’ but who I was throughout the whole point of creation, my starting point in it Is what’s relevant to look at for myself- which is my self-honesty to work with – and that’s something I can fully stand with and by for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into the pattern of ‘caring too much about what others will say or think about me’ when I have even blamed this pattern to familiar influence but I realize that I made it my own, based on how I have been very quick to judge back as well and in this what I am looking at as a ‘fear of what others might say,’ is in fact my own creation based on how I have been the one that has participated in judging others about their life situations, life choices and decisions – never realizing that any opinion I might have created about ‘others’ lives’ is in fact defining me – not others –

Therefore, I take responsibility to now seeing how what I am creating in my own mind as ‘fear of what others might say’ is nothing else but my own capacity to be ‘too quick to judge’ and not looking back at myself as the origin of such judgment and how it defines ‘who I am’ in my mind – nothing and no one else.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to for a moment hesitate on making a decision in my life because of ‘what others would say’ and placing more weight, value and importance on ‘others’ or ‘others’ ideas, perceptions or possible judgments’ instead of my own, which is still a point to look at when that became a major source of worry, concern, nervousness and even anxiety  instead of simply focusing on myself: my life, my decision, my process, my creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be having in the back of my head the notion of ‘what will others think about me’ because of not having a ‘regular job’ that many people have in a particular ‘system’ position and in doing so, diminishing the work and responsibilities that I have in the belief that ‘others have no way of validating my work because it’s not in a ‘recognized by the system’ institution’ – which is in fact my own judgment, my own value that I have given to certain institutions or credentials which I then turn back at myself as the idea of ‘others judging myself for it’ – but in fact, this is all existent and coming from my own ways and methods in which I have allowed myself to ‘gauge’ people and ‘who they are’ within certain values in a system –this way, I only recreate a world where ‘brands’ and certain ‘names’ have different worth and value than others – just as an image as a ‘name’ or a ‘brand’ – instead of focusing on the actual substance, the actual worth and value for life that such ‘brand or name’ represents, which in my case I completely stand with what I do and how valuable this work is not only for me but for the rest of humanity as a whole, therefore I stop supporting and recreating ‘values’ within me according to ‘institutional system values.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project an outcome where people won’t take me seriously if they find out that there is one point in my life that I didn’t follow through ‘all the way to its end’ or to a ‘desired outcome’ and that it will drive my credibility, my own personal stance ‘down the drain’ when this is just a mind-bullying type of thought I am allowing within myself, because if it is one point in my life that I am judging myself for and allowing that to completely define the ‘totality’ of who I am, I am then demonstrating how I am the one absolutist that can also completely debase something or someone for ‘one single point’ and use that one point to define an entire person and who they are, which again it shows me that it’s not about ‘what others think or do’ but about my own judgments and what I then in turn do to myself when allowing me to ‘judge others’ with the same measuring stick so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged as the person that cannot have proper relationships, not even if ‘trying’ hard for it at the eyes of friends or relatives, when in fact I am seeing that I’ve become my own worst judge when it comes to this topic, because of already fueling this point with several experiences, leading me to a ‘fear of failure’ and in that, creating my ultimate outcome within it which is having to end a particular relationship in order to demonstrate where and how I have not been entirely honest with myself in my starting point and my creation. This means, if my starting point is of fearing something, then the outcome is having to walk through that fear and end up on the other side seeing ‘hey I’m still here’ and realize the self-compromise that I caused to myself when accepting a point of fear in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to what I perceive relatives have to say about me and my life because of ‘knowing’ that they are ‘always very quick to judge’ – but even if were, this is about me being able to for once and for all stop giving too much attention to what others have to create as a judgment in their own minds, which means it defines who they are and how they perceive others, including myself – yet here I am focusing on how I can take responsibility for my OWN judgment towards other people perceiving them as judgmental, which makes me judgmental by default too – and that’s how I become the one origin and source of ‘fear of judgment’ all the way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear about what others have to say about my life, my decisions and choices, which are all based on memories where yes, I would get reprimanded and judged for my choices while growing up, but that is how things were ‘then’ based on my age and the lack of perspective I had which yes surely, got me through making some mistakes that I have been able to stand up from – and even those that I can still ‘repeat’, precisely through consequences I have been able to become aware of it so that I can consider them to stand corrected in it all as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged as a ‘failure’ by others, which is only how I am judging myself and this particular outcome as such, when in fact I can redefine it as a point of deciding to stand for what I truly honor and respect which is the life in myself and others, and how what might be perceived at others’ eyes as consciousness as a ‘failure’ I am aware of my decision, my parameters, my choices, where I stood in it all and the clarity in which I make my current life decisions – or when I don’t, and so own my creation.

Therefore here what I have to stop focusing on is on the notion of ‘judgments’ and instead focus on my own self-honesty: seeing what can I learn from my mistakes, what I can learn about my starting points for self-creation, where could I have done things differently, defining for me which were the points where I compromised myself, where would I have had to stand up and didn’t do so – and all of these are actually supportive things that even if one doesn’t get to create an ‘ideal’ outcome in one’s life, one can still learn from it, grow from it and continue walking the path of self-creation.

I realize how easy I have been ‘too quick to judge’ on many aspects and in this becoming dismissive and limiting, not only towards ‘others’ but towards myself and there is a whole lot of humbleness to be considered here.

Because what I am seeing is hiding behind all of this initial ‘fear of judgment’ is in fact the idea or notion that ‘I am supposed to know better’ and ‘I should have known better’ or ‘I don’t make mistakes’ or ‘I am flawless’ which is quite the ego-trip there that I need to also debunk for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that behind the notion of ‘fearing others’ judgments’ is in fact my own ideas, beliefs and perceptions about myself being ‘superior’ to others or ‘knowing better’ which has to come to an end whenever I am faced with reality and realizing that all of those were mostly ego-trips that I placed myself upon which have no context with reality, which is that of the principles that I am standing for: life in equality, where there is no superior, no inferior – we’re all equal as life and in this, any ego-trip of knowing better is only that, a personality, a character that is actually created based on a perception of ‘being inferior’ at the same time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge who I am based on notions of superiority or inferiority to others, existing in comparison where I have allowed myself to judge me based on ‘values’ or ‘measuring sticks’ that I have at the same time adopted from society, from what I have learned to judge as ‘valuable’ or ‘important’ or ‘good enough’ etc. – all of which is devoid of actual common sense and living-values, which I therefore have to completely cease to exist as within myself to stand in fact as an individual within self-responsibility in my creation, without judgments – simply focusing on a point of self-creation, walking it through, working on whichever adjustments or changes need to be done, start over whenever it is necessary and keeping at it.

This then implies more of a focus on my own mind, my own adjustments, my own corrections to live by which in fact then will create the outflow of stopping focusing on ‘others’ and focus on myself, on living these principles and corrections I’m seeing I haven’t fully embraced as myself and that way, render judgments, opinions, beliefs and perceptions as the mind-values they are that define ‘who we are’ as the mind, as a system that I decide not to live by, but stand up as life.

This then creates in turn a very nice outcome for me here where the point is taken entirely back to self, back to seeing what I accept and allow not only in these judgments and points I wrote out here, but in general towards anything or anyone because we are the ones that create the validity to our judgments, beliefs or perceptions by acting on them, by giving importance to them – therefore if I stop participating in all of those perceptions and instead focus on what is Here as life as myself, as my potential, as my creation to develop = then that’s the outcome that I create not only for me but for everyone else.

And that’s how the focus on ‘others is debunked and turned entirely back to self.

 

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


498. Deconstructing the Default Self-Specialness

Continuing from the previous blog

Here sharing Self-Forgiveness on the points I am committing myself to acknowledge as my creation, as my allowed participation in my mind that I want to change and turn into a supportive outcome for myself and the people I get to be involved with for a moment or for a lifetime.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a positive experience in relation to people with whom I have developed a relationship where there is kindness but at the same time there’s the awareness of them being ‘attending me’ as in being there to assist me, to care after me and getting what I am looking for in the shop – or simply having a chat in the meantime – wherein when I see that another person comes into the shop and the attention veers toward that other person, I have allowed myself to instantly go into a ‘lesser’ experience of myself which I’ve felt in my physical body as a tightness, a tension directly related to the presence of the other person, instead of realizing that this is the ‘default’ experience of ourselves at a mind level where I constantly can perceive myself as ‘special’ or ‘unique’ or ‘having a special spot’ yet forgetting that this is the default experience that we all have allowed ourselves when in our minds, therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in my mind reacting to another person’s presence and in doing so perceiving it as a diversion of attention from others towards them – instead of remaining attending ‘me’, which is very much an egotistical experience where I stop considering another person in that moment and go into this tension and frigidity in that moment, which I’ve come to see is me in my body and mind conditioning myself to create a momentary friction and conflict about the presence of another person, instead of embracing the presence of not only one person but any other person around me, realizing their equal ability to get the attention from the shop attendants and at the same time push myself to be able to look at them, interact with them if the opportunity arises and in doing so, practically walk through my initial tension or subtle reaction to another’s presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience in shops or other public spaces wherein there is supposed to be people ‘attending me’ and I get all the attention I require, and go into a subtle ‘low’ if the attention is given to someone else, which is very much also a programming I’d see as very common in me since being a little child, the youngest of the family, where I got all the attention and was quite spoiled in my own way, which led me to constantly add this ‘specialness’ to myself, who I am, what I do and if there’s someone else taking that one ‘special spot’ in whichever context, I then have allowed myself to go into a ‘low’ which is simply a perception of ‘me not getting all the attention’, but in common sense that’s how things should be and all that I require to do is to learn now to embrace any other person as an equal to myself, walk through my initial ‘discomfort’ toward them, understanding them as a ‘default’ reaction of myself in my mind-and-body so that I can then proceed to live the words of integrity and integration, embracing and equality towards others at any given time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in that ‘sinking’ experience within me upon noticing it was another young woman entering the shop and in that moment the activation of ‘women competition’ kicked in, in a very subtle manner wherein even if I am not thinking in competition terms, the tension, the discomfort that I experienced as taking over my physical body’s upper area is an indication that I am still reacting to the presence not only of other human beings in certain contexts, but specifically women where I then proceeded to feel ‘displaced’ in that moment where the conversation went towards here, wherein I went into a low and self-diminishment in that moment, which I saw and pushed through to remain in my usual presence, however the experience had already been developed, therefore

Whenever I am in any situation where I perceive that I am ‘alone’ and the attention is only ‘on me’ and I am creating a positive experience about it, I have to slow myself down to ensure that I am not going into a ‘high’ within me as the positive experience that can then rebound to a ‘low’ if the factors change in the moment and I stop getting ‘all the attention’ on me, because this then signifies that my interaction wasn’t entirely being in equality, in stability and comfort, because if it went into a ‘low’ all of a sudden, there had to be a pre-existent experience I was aware of.

So I can now practice this point where I can in those moments upon hearing or seeing that another person is also sharing that moment and ‘space’ in a shop or other place in a similar set up, I can breathe as a way to ensure that I am relaxed in my body and prevent through breathing the build-up of tension in my upper body, while I can deliberately remind myself to live the words embrace, equality, integration so as to ‘integrate’ the other people into the space as equals and embrace them, their expression in a way where I can be in their presence and remain comfortably in my body and even if the opportunity is there, proceed to interact and engage with them and have a chat if they also respond back in an equally open manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that there are such things as a ‘position’ of specialness and favoritism toward people wherein I have to let go of reassuring these ‘positions’ in my mind that I believe others have toward me and instead, fully develop my positioning as an equal in all aspects, which I recognize I’ve been doing better when it comes to supposed ‘hierarchical’ situations and learning to get past my elitist programming towards ‘others’ but I can still see this ‘regard’ that I’ve built towards myself in relation to how I expect to be treated as a signal that I have yet to completely let go of any default-specialness of my mind, any default ‘uniqueness’ and this can be practiced by focusing on breathing, stopping the insta-judgments of values based on appearance overall, based on gender, based on money, based on ‘positioning’ and in doing so, become the person that I want to be that truly embodies what it means to be equal to any other individual, where I don’t recreate the separations, the discriminations, the divisions that we’ve fueled in our minds based on a plethora of visual differences that are only that, a visual presentation but instead, learn to get to know each other as the words we speak and live, what we embody as ourselves because that’s where the real presence and essence of each other is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still carry on with a subtle, unspoken or ‘without thinking’ comparison or even rivalry towards other women specifically wherein I am the one that is instantaneously judging them as ‘more than me’ based on certain attitudes or physical appearance wherein I am completely becoming me as my mind that judges, that values appearances, that compares and creates a verdict of me being more than or less than others… none of this is who I really want to be in those moments because it only recreates the plethora of separations that we are seeing more and more prominently in our world.

Therefore I have to practice letting go of my ‘inertia’ to these ‘quantum-judgments’ and assessments that I get to become aware of only after they have happened in an almost ‘automated’ mode, but even that, I challenge myself to be able to stop this very silent, very physically ingrained habit of comparing, judging or going into a silent rivalry/competition toward other women that I’ve perceived as ‘more’ than myself, which only exists there if I am still regarding myself as ‘inferior’ in one way or another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from a very age not know ‘what to do’ upon noticing distinctive physical features and appearances of people around me wherein I learned to create notions of beauty based on appearance and particular traits, but wasn’t really aware how to actually create a meaning that is substantial for real beauty in a person, which I’ve established that is not limited to only the first layer we get to see through our eyes in one person, because that is definitely something that we can all see and sometimes even agree upon by default – but also to include the essence, presence and substance of a person, who they are as the words they live and speak, the kind of being they are in their lives which is what I’d like not only myself but more and more humans to focus on at the same time, because I’ve complained myself many times of living in a ‘shallow world’ where only appearances matter, but the aspect of the substance behind that first-impression appearance is what I’d like to focus on and get to know in a person, to then learn from them, get to embrace them as a being more than just an image, because I, myself, would not like to be diminished to only being an image either.

I commit myself to practice in those moments when acknowledging the presence of another person through hearing them coming in, to instead of ‘avoiding looking at them’ which is not done out of privacy or consideration, but out of avoidance as a reaction to see them with my eyes, I can then test out actually turning my head and looking at them so that I can make the decision to in that moment apply these words: embracing, integration, equality and so direct myself to focus on my own physical presence, my own body, ensuring I am not going into a tension and if that happens, I can simply focus on breathing so that I can dissipate the experience before it builds up at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to without intent and in a perception of ‘respecting others’ privacy’ – apparently – have done onto others what I dislike being done onto me, which is that of deliberately ignoring another’s presence yet only reacting at a physical level about their presence, which is very uncool and I simply do not want to be that kind of person that eventually gets to a point of looking away from people on purpose so as to not have to face the various reactions that could be coming up in those moments. I rather learn to face and embrace the reactions and comparisons I’ve created so that I can work on them first hand and practice, practice, practice as much as it is needed until the presence of another human being – male or female- becomes indistinct to myself, to the moment and can instead practice to embrace them, integrate with them in the moment because that’s exactly what I’ve liked others doing onto me and I am aware first hand of how cool that is for all of us, so I definitely want to be entirely clear within me in relation to people, especially considering those ‘first ever’ encounters where I don’t even know the person, yet I am ‘reacting’ to them? Doesn’t make any sense, really, and that’s what we are and have become in our minds: separation, not making any sense and simply causing friction and conflict by default, but now it’s entirely up to me to stand as the directive principle of myself in my mind and my body so that I can then decide who I am in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fueled in a very subtle manner this idea that I am ‘special’ and I deserve some kind of ‘special treatment’ wherein I believe that I am a person that ‘deserves’ something based on what I give, which should not be the case at all, because any kindness and consideration toward others is me giving it as an expression of myself, not as an ‘expected in return’ type of treatment which would only create the same kind of societies where we treat each other as walking numbers or assets, instead of redefining that value as the kind of person we are, the words we live, the actions we stand by and what we use our bodies, our minds, our words for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this ‘default’ existence of myself in this ‘special-mode’ self-experience wherein then it is easier to create any sort of inner-conflict and go into an inferiority-mode because we are the ones sustaining that ‘elevated’ sense of self that can be easily threatened and rocked when perceiving anything or anyone as ‘more than’ something that we are defining ourselves by as a judgment or a value, therefore this proves that any superiority or inferiority complex are nothing more than judgments, values and perceptions that I’ve accepted and allowed as ‘who I am’ which in turn, through this identification, becomes a way for me to react to certain people – or not – based on this default programming of ‘my identity’ being those experiences, those reactions, that superior or inferior experience which is by all means something that I commit myself to stop fueling even in the silent and most subtle physical experiences that I can instead open up, face, investigate for myself and turn this whole comparison and competition mode into a supportive outcome for myself and so for others.

I forgive myself that I have lived a contradiction in terms of wanting to stand as equal to every other person, but still create these comparisons, judgments, notions of value and worth towards others and seeing them as either ‘more’ or ‘less than’ myself, wherein I am in fact even in a silent manner, recreating the same mentality with which we’ve built this current world system, and I know for a fact It doesn’t serve life, it doesn’t have a default space for equality as life, therefore I/we have to be the people that can change our ways of interacting among each other if we truly want to create a world in equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation upon meeting people for the first time of creating an impression upon them of ‘me being unique and special’ wherein I am by default wanting to be the ‘attention grabber’ that wants to make an impression but not yet for all the best reasons, but still coming through with some ego, therefore I have to be more aware of my choice of words, attitudes, expression in general ensuring that it is not being done from the starting point of continuing and feeding this ‘attention seeker’ or ‘attention grabber’ in me, and instead develop humbleness as a modest self that I can live with and stand by eternally as who I am, because it won’t be defined by highs or lows of energy, but instead expressing and allowing the real me to come through as a presence that I can definitely see is possible to continue developing, growing and expanding as myself in more moments of my reality.

I realize It is a matter of being aware of myself at a physical level, being aware of the subtle changes experienced at a physical level as sudden undercurrents that come up and transform into tensions or stiffness and in that moment investigate, look at what’s the programming that’s being triggered and so proceed to apply the words that I see would be most supportive in that moment.

This way, the practical application is an opportunity that exists whenever and wherever I see myself with more people in a context where I have created a ‘positive relationship’ towards something or someone and in that, making sure that I can ‘share’ that something or someone with others without reinforcing a sense of ownership or dominion over others, because that’s certainly not what I want to be and do, I want to stand in humbleness and equal-stance toward others, as well as letting go of notions of specialness or positivity attached to people, places or situations so that no matter where I am, I am here, I am expressing me without ‘highs or lows’ but practicing a continuous embracing of others in the space around me, and also get to chat with them or get to know them better as part of our shared moment and reality, no matter how short or long it might be.

Thanks for reading

 

Silent Interplays

 

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495. Debunking Worry as Care

Or how to stop being a worrywart: a person who worries too much or who worries about things that are not important 

I described myself today as this because I’ve noticed how I’ve connected a sense of ‘worry’ to the word ‘care’ wherein I’ve learned to believe that the way to care about others is through worrying about them or if I ‘care about the world’ then I should worry about it all the time. Well, that’s one of the reasons why I ended up in continuous experiences of ‘feeling down’ because I have made it an automated mode in myself to over-think, over-analyze things too much wherein ultimately in an attempt to care and consider for others, for things happening in reality, for consequences that we can touch, breathe, eat every single day I attach too many thoughts around it all, which lead me to a situation of worrying about everything.

And the interesting thing is that I had not identified it as ‘worry’ per se, but today I was simply walking on my way back home and I saw a mother with a kid coming out of the pre-school and started walking in front of me. So this is more or less how thoughts went in my head: the kid was drinking something that I immediately judged as ‘unhealthy’ due to all the colors and tetra-pack it came in – and the kid was wearing a sweater in what I perceived as scorching hot sun, which I considered as a ‘neglectful thing to do’ from the mother towards the kid’.  I interpreted that the mother probably didn’t have money to buy him something healthier to drink, I assumed that the kid had no voice of his own to just take it off by himself; I interpreted that his pants were too long so that they can ‘last longer’ and so mother doesn’t have to go spending more on him every time the child grows, I assumed that they are having money-worries.  I interpreted that she is probably holding him that forcefully because she is pressured by lack of money, by her work, having to rush in some kind of ‘special permit’ at work to pick up her son, not being able to be a stay at home mother probably, yet talking to him that way, I interpreted that she probably didn’t even want to have the child in the first place = I worry about the kid, I worry about the future he will become as part of our society, what kind of ‘citizen’ he’ll grow to be and worry that this is the same story repeating a million times in this country and world and so multiply ‘his experience’ into that of millions worldwide.

Yeah, no kidding, hello! Welcome to Marlen’s thoughts throughout a couple of minutes of walking behind a woman and her son. Now, in my mind this is like ‘a usual thing’ where I observe and ‘compose’ an entire series of assumptions and stories wherein I try to make sense of what I may perceive as ‘forceful movements’ or ‘the kind of clothes they wear’ or the way they are speaking to each other and in essence, all these stories usually end up in tragedy in my head, I worry for that moment upon seeing them that the child will end up lost in drugs and doing something he never wanted to do in his life… and if I look at ‘who I am’ in this moment is essentially worrying, worrying, worrying and believing that ‘I care’ for others when I do all of these interpretations.

And this is something I’ve been more directly observing as of late because I haven’t really made it a point to consider how Exhausting it is to go seeing everything and everyone through the eyes of ‘it’s all a consequence, it’s fucked because it’s our creation and we’ve fucked up within ourselves, therefore what we see and every single thing that happens here is just ‘wrong’ because of that’  And in a way sure it has allowed me to no longer see the lives of everyone and the reality we live in as something that was ‘done onto ourselves’ but I push to see it as our collective creation. However, this still doesn’t have to come with a pinch of worry and sadness or temporary ‘low’ upon seeing reality, because I can ultimately choose and decide Who I Am in the face of it all, and worry is certainly not something that will change anything, it doesn’t make me care more because ‘caring’ cannot be something I give to every single person and bit of reality I encounter in front of my eyes, it’s not practical, it’s not common sensical or possible to do.

This is also one of the reasons why I became a bit too emotionally involved in seeing certain disruptions in my reality at the beginning of last month as well, where a part of me wants to ‘feel’ the worry and concern because of associating this with care.

When I see the words worry and worrywart, I can associate it with both sides of my family, my aunts on both sides especially and my grandmother and my own mother and my own sisters… lol like a female design of worry, worry, worry as a sign of care and it’s not needed, it only truly deviates myself from the potential that exists in everything and everyone and instead I keep focusing only at the level of ‘seeing the problem’ and participating in the problem through me spending those breaths of life Worrying about it all, so:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate the action of worrying with that of care towards others, making it a sign of understanding or solidarity, when in fact worry does nothing to actually assist me in sorting something out in reality nor does it assist me in actually changing my emotional experience, therefore I commit myself to stop, breathe and ‘swipe’ the thought and experience of worry about everything and everyone that I see, which means stopping seeing through the eyes of despair or problems everywhere and instead decide to first stop the judgments I tend to add towards the reality that I see and instead, assist myself to focus on the potential, how the consequences could be prevented, how outcomes can be supported or ameliorated, yet beginning with myself by ensuring I do this without becoming emotional about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the experience of worry as a ‘natural way of looking at people and this world as a whole’ wherein I have made myself believe that there is no other way to look at this world, people and reality but through the eyes of worry, despair, pointlessness as momentary flicks of attention given to ‘the problem’ instead of me focusing on the solution as myself by stopping worrying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my nature is that of ‘being too caring’ towards others wherein in my mental equation of ‘caring’ = worrying, I’ve become the embodiment of ‘constant worry’ which is also what I got to see in my facial expression in many videos in the past that I recorded where my face denotes worry, fear, sadness and it is nothing else but the condensation of this ‘auto-mode’ that I’ve fueled and created as ‘who I am’ in those seemingly fleeting moments where ‘nothing’ seems to happen yet I am seeing/observing people, reality around me and reading a bit too much into everything, taking myself to a level of worry and concern based on my own interpretations, my own assumptions that I project onto people and everything around me, which serves nothing and no one really. I am not practically making the world or others’ lives better by me making stories of suffering and despair around them as the reason ‘why’ I see them in this or that way.

I realize that I have tended to wear the worrywart filters on my eyes for far too long and that means I have made it almost a ‘natural state’ and condition in me, to assess everything through the eyes of worry, suffering, despair, sadness, enslavement… but reality just is, people just are what they are and I have to practically stop reading ‘into’ others for the sake of feeding this worrywart view of mine about virtually everything and anything in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to learn from the females in my family and extended family that worrying is a natural thing to do when caring about someone which is how I’ve developed this worry-care in my head in an attempt to make myself aware of others’ problems and hardship, but even in doing this, it can be done and looked at in a sober manner where I don’t have to emotionally invest myself in worrying about it as in being emotionally affected by it, but learning to see things objectively, for what they are, because I now realize that worrying is not the same as care and real care would be to actually practically assist the people or that situation to a better outcome – if it is in my capacity and ability to do so, because I cannot go practically changing ‘the world’ based on what I may see or assess about other people’s situation or the condition of a particular environment and pretend I can do things alone to change it. I have to be common sensical in this and be able to let go of my thoughts of worry about something, and rather apply care first toward myself by caring for myself, my body and not generating emotional and mental burdens at any given moment.

I saw this today as well where first I saw one pigeon walking next to us when entering one place and the next moment when we’re out, bam, there’s a pigeon squished on the pavement. I got worried about it instantly, as a form of ‘care’ but seriously, there was nothing I could do to prevent it, and so my worry and care are useless once that the consequence is there.

So I commit myself to look at reality with a different pair of eyes, wherein I first focus on me stopping my worrywartness experience and instead learn to see objectively how there’s a plethora of things that are out of my hands to prevent or directly change in their nature or outcomes, but I can focus entirely on myself, stopping existing in worry as fears or imagining ‘the worst’ in any moment and so stopping becoming that expression myself, because I realize it supports no one, it doesn’t assist me to grow or become a better person either, doesn’t make me more ‘considerate’ either, because worry is an emotional experience and consideration is a regard, a moment where I can acknowledge something without the added emotion into it. And that’s what I can focus on developing within myself: sticking to common sense and stopping seeing through the veil of worry as care.

So here looking at the word ‘preoccupy’ as a similar word to worry and also in Spanish ‘preocupar’ contains the words pre-occupy as ‘before or prior to occupying’ which is precisely indicating how futile it is to worry about something instead of directly occupying oneself in doing the things that we have to get to or do, and in this context my immediate self-responsibility is that of not participating or entertaining thoughts that usually lead to projecting, imagining and assuming a lot that goes on through the ‘worry’ experience, therefore I have to focus back on myself, precisely on not feeding this experience and instead seeing reality objectively, in stability, understanding the consequences, acknowledging the outcomes without emotional investment.

Thanks for reading

 

Now I See

 

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491. From Tantrums to Self-Responsibility

After I wrote yesterday’s blog I kept looking at how we all have tantrums and they appear in various ways/manners like anger, frustration, hopelessness, despair, guilt, shame, regret, victimization, revenge, addictive behaviors and the source of it all which is blame in which we make ourselves believe that we are powerless to change things, to change the outcome of our creation, when it is really not so.

 

So in my case I’ll look at how I have created a pattern of using a high pitched voice in order to shift away my responsibility and so manipulate others to make themselves responsible or at fault for something.

It’s also interesting because when I had the chat with my mother, many times throughout my life whenever I have had my anger tantrums, she’s said: ‘you should have a mirror in front of you to see how you look like when you react like this’ and this was precisely mentioned in some recent interviews as well wherein, we could record ourselves while being in some anger possession or victimization possession and take a look at how our entire facial expression changes and in my case eyes widen up and all the muscles on the face tense up and in general, yeah let’s accept it, we look demonic to say the least. Well that’s ourselves allowing ourselves getting possessed in a series of gestures/mannerisms and voice tonality – of course words in that – which want to point fingers at/blame others for something that we have caused and created ourselves.

 

And I know how this looks in others but have I really looked at myself in the mirror in those moments, not really but I have played around enough in front of the mirror with different faces to know how scary it might look in fact, but the point is precisely to realize how we physically express ourselves when bringing through/channeling an energetic experience in ourselves, be it only a voice tonality or a complete set of facial expressions and even behaviors that become tantrumy like kicking stuff or throwing stuff around, which I’ve done in the past several times when possessed in complete anger. It’s not fun, I mean it solves nothing yet for some reason we allow ourselves to act out that energy that has been also piled up from a long time. So the solution is to go taking responsibility for our own creation, to be willing to look at how we got to create something and in doing so, remind ourselves of our ability to direct the situation without having to be reacting/going mad about it.

For some people this might sound common sensical, but for some others like with myself, it’s been life-long patterns where I can easily flare up to a boiling point and any outcome from it has never been anything good, but the other way around, a source of shame and regret for allowing myself to be so pissed off about something that I try to destroy everything around me in an attempt to ‘sort out the problem’ which is not the point at all.

Here I’ll look into using the voice tonality of disempowerment, victimization, whiney/why-me voice that has been such a prominent thing in me since childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a voice tonality that is high pitched containing strains of complaint, blame, frustration and victimization wherein I use it every time that I want to make someone else responsible for what I’m experiencing, for what I did or didn’t do and at the same time, it is implying a manipulation point wherein I want to sound ‘distress’ so that others will want to  ‘do whatever they can’ to make me happy/stable again if I keep talking this high-pitched and whiney, complainer-mode, when in fact this is nothing else but a series of reactions that I have created in order to abdicate my responsibility from what I caused or created, did or didn’t do.  The core of this is precisely seeing how I’ve adopted a manipulation expression from a very young age which I remember hearing possibly sisters do and so seeing how parents would obey to such whiney tones and do whatever they could to sort out the situation, when in fact what should be done by parents is Not to react to a tantrum, not to be moved at all by this manipulation tonality and instead keep firm and stable to common sense, to ensure that self-responsibility is explained to the kid from a very early age, so that next time we as kids can actually desist from even going into the ‘whiney’ mode because we will know by default that it won’t change anything and so, we rather focus directly on sorting things out, creating solutions or simply assuming and living through the consequence the best way possible to learn from it, and so prevent it in a future time.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to activate this whiney mode with people with whom I’ve grown to be very comfortable with like my parents and my partner, wherein I’ve noticed many times that I’m using this ‘whiney mode’ when I’m actually manipulating them to do something for me that I am not being willing to do, like assume my responsibility within something and instead use this whiney-tonality as a way to get them do as I say, which is tyrannical to say the least but unfortunately it did work some times while growing up which is why I have adopted this mixture of reactions as disempowerment, victimization, complaint, frustration, powerlessness into a voice that I expressed in order to manipulate others around me to get to ‘sort things out for me’ as I’ve usually done when I was a child and saw ‘parents’ as the ones that could ‘sort my mess out’ – not realizing that this is how we all become dependent on an ‘authority figure’ to sort things out for us, where we don’t learn of our creations and consequences, and instead simply learn to ‘throw tantrums’ to sort things out, which is nothing else but acting out in our minds to have someone else ‘do the work for us’ – this is the origin of self-irresponsibility and personal disempowerment at the same time, because then we will always be depending on ‘others’ to sort out our lives and experiences. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate people with a voice tonality that is a common way to get people to believe ‘I am in discomfort, I am not having a good time about something’ and so through the voice tonality attempt to manipulate others to attend my plea, to get to fix something for me, to do something for me that I am not willing to do out of laziness, out of not wanting to assume my responsibility or simply out of convenience, wherein each time I do notice a moment afterward that I have just manipulated another one to do this for me, and it’s not a great experience at all because I notice how ‘easy’ it came out and how ‘easy’ it was to obtain the desired outcome.

 

The correction point here is committing myself to be more aware of myself whenever I am already seeing myself preparing to bring out the ‘whiney-voice’ that is attempting to manipulate or show disempowerment about something – even complaint – so that ‘others’ can step in and ‘help me’ with things, which is where I have to stand on my ground, don’t give into my own sense of disempowerment and be self honest: taking responsibility for the things I am attempting to get others to do for me, not giving into the law of the least effort that seeks to manipulate others to do things for me – and as well, whenever I see that I genuinely could ask for help in doing something, I can do so in a stable, sober voice making a simple question that prompts an answer of yes or no to assist me, instead of having to bring out all sorts of reasons and justifications to get someone to ‘help me’ or ‘do something for me’ which are all unnecessary really and have become more of a mind habit than a real self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief that the ‘whiney mode’ is a ‘cute way’ to ask for things, linking this to myself as a child where I genuinely had to ask others for certain things, so it became convenient for me to at times seek to be ‘the grown up’ and sometimes remain as a child that can still ‘go into disempowerment’ in order to manipulate others to do things for me, which I have to definitely grow out of no matter how subtle this pattern is in the way I speak it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have criticized many times people in my past – as friends/ people I knew – that I noticed would speak in this childish/whiney voice whenever they were asking something they wanted to their parents or partners and I would go into a judgment toward them of being ‘too childish’ and manipulative – again, forgetting that that which I am judging in ‘others’ exists in myself and I missed out investigating it within me first of all, which I can see now is very much still alive as a pattern in me, which hereby I commit myself to stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conveniently speak in a high pitched voice whenever I am attempting to present myself as ‘needing help’ or ‘wanting someone to do something for me that I want’ which is a form of manipulation not only towards others, but towards myself, wherein I know I am becoming a fake expression of myself since I am aware that my voice in a ‘normal state’ is not at all whiney or high pitched, but can be very stable, settled, deep and without any ‘dramatization’ involved, so here I commit myself to not only become more aware of how I speak towards those people that are closest to me in a continuous basis = therefore that I’ve become more comfortable with, but also how I do this with strangers like with people I need to ask a favor of or need help of something with, to know that asking for a favor, asking for help does not need this whiney tonality to make it easier to get a ‘yes’ for support.

Here is then how I can stop this ‘whiney’ programming for once and for all, within and without of myself because if I can learn how to ask in a stable and regular voice manner –  I can then support to stopping the chains of patterns around manipulation and victimization linked to voice manipulation or high pitched tonalities of disempowerment,  based on the awareness that these are not best for all habits and ways that I would like to feed as part of our patterns in humanity.

Hereby then I commit myself to acknowledge my responsibility first of all Before jumping into an exertion of responsibility to others, attempting and/or seeking to get a solution from others to my situation through whining about it and instead, asses my responsibility, acknowledge the consequences, learn from them and move on.

Otherwise if I see that there is a point where I can genuinely ask others for support, I can do so in a stable, deep voice wherein I no longer manipulate myself or others, but be willing to accept a ‘no’ as an answer and be ok with it, knowing that at least I didn’t fall into a manipulation pattern to ‘get a yes’ – or get beyond my belief that I need to ‘manipulate’ with a childish/whiney voice in order to ‘get a yes’ to support me, and realize that what matters is the words and the asking, not the voice tonality or theatrics around it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recreate the childhood patterns in me towards my mother every time that I take advantage of my relationship with my parents and bring up this ‘spoiled’ attitude of using a whiney voice whenever I want to get things to be done ‘my way’ or do ‘what I want’ and still manipulate through words and voice tonality, even attitudes in order to get my point of self-interest and satisfaction, which is really unacceptable to be continuing in me and so, I commit myself to stop seeing my parents as people that I can ‘still manipulate’ in one way or another through words, voice tonalities and instead, see them as my equals wherein I first make sure I take my own responsibility and create my own solutions, rather than seeing it ‘easy’ to just ask them for a solution or to fix something for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use whiney voices asking something from my partner where the intent behind it is to appear less ‘bossy’ towards him and something that I request and ‘soften the blow’ of asking something, instead of realizing that this is really deceptive and it does nothing, because if I was in his shoes, I’d appreciate a sober, frank and direct asking – as he is – rather than using manipulative ways to get things done. Instead I have to practice asking directly, without expectations, without manipulations, without ‘intentions’ as experiences in my voice in order to get my desired outcome, but be devoid of a hidden agenda and learn to simply ask, in a simple, stable and sober manner in my expression, which I commit to develop and practice every moment that I get an opportunity to do so from now on.

Time to grow out of these whiney patterns

 

Thanks for reading

 

Why why why whiney me

 

Join us in our process of Self-Responsibility as LIFE


488. Social Expectations and Self-Honesty

Or how to face a situation like a funeral in a balance of what is politically correct and what is our genuine expression in the moment.

For the last two days I was in a situation of facing the death of a close person and the attendance of a funeral for the second time ever in my life and to say the least, I had not yet created a way in which I can trust myself in those situations considering there are several aspects that I got to take into account, leading to a situation where I doubted myself at times that can be uncomfortable yet entirely self-created of course. So I’ll share here the raw process of me going through the whole lay out of the points and the self-forgiveness process wherein I establish common sense and points for me to correct/align in future similar situations.

Even if I had dealt with the sadness point about this person eventually dying it an accepting it, realizing that as we know, no one ever really dies and he’s probably facing his process in the afterlife right now, at the same time having to also be participating in all the processes that come after the person dies with the family became a new set of situations that I had not faced in my life therefore they became quite a part of myself to get to know and investigate further.

First of all, saw a dead person for the first time in my life. I saw myself not wanting to do it based on some kind of fear of ‘seeing a dead person’ but I did it in order to do it for once and for all and I found it a bit disturbing to say the least, I judged doing so as a form of morbid move as if there was something ‘to see’ in a dead body at the same time, which ended up being a printed image in my mind that I got stuck on for some time, seeing myself imagining how I would look dead, how my partner would look dead, how my parents will look dead and in that moment I said to myself like ‘whoa wait a minute what am I participating on?’ which was of course just a mental stimulation with no practical use, not even if for the purpose of getting comfortable with the idea of all of us dying at some point anyways, because it’s not here so, just indulging in imagination about it won’t certainly be supportive at this very moment.

Many times before I’ve skipped funerals altogether, I did not see the point and also feared seeing others sad and so fearing myself becoming sad and in a powerless situation. But after a while of reading others’ experiences and considerations around funerals, I decided to attend and be part of most of the processes involved in it this time and ensuring that I was making a decision to do so as my own volition, not self-compromise, but this wasn’t entirely so in various moments where I consider I succumbed my idea/belief or perception of what others’ expectations were based on the situation, where I saw myself being torn into what I consider my self-honesty in those moments and doing what I thought was going to ‘please others’ based on expectations of what to be and do in such situations where people are visibly mourning.

One thing I recalled from my first funeral I attended back in 2001 is how I could not feel a thing, therefore I started thinking myself into sadness in order to cry and then feel like I had been up to the expectations of what goes on in a funeral. This time I decided to be there for my own sake and to be with my family which I can say is my family even if ‘political’ but have spent many times together with them so, yep it was  of course sad for me but we got to know of this situation coming more than a month ago, so there was time to process it yet I found myself still not entirely settled in ‘who I am’ in moments of mourning and what to say or do to support others.

So here I’m starting to investigate my experience and make sense of it: what am I aware of? I made the decision to be accompanying the family in all the processes, from the waiting of the funerary services, which means seeing the body on the bed ‘as is,’ to seeing it leave to the funerary, to accompanying it to the funerary, to waiting for it to be received, etc. I saw it also as a learning experience, a first time in it all while also wanting to be of support in any way I could around there.

This part I found myself a bit too clumsy on, which might be a judgment. To me there was not so much of a point to have so many considerations for a body there, while I know that the being is no longer there and then it’s just a matter of rather being there for the family. It was surprising to find out about all the procedures and legal situations that need to be directed when a person dies – again, it was a learning experience but I also saw myself a bit conflicted in terms of whether I had to present myself in a particular situation or not. I decided to simply be a point of tranquility and stability during that phase to assist in any  way I could – but there wasn’t anything I got to actually ‘do’ in it all but just be there.

This ‘just be there’ clicks in me as if it was something that was ‘not enough’ or ‘minimal’ but it is me, it’s my presence, not defined through a ‘doing’ per se, but we were there the same way that we had been with all the same people in previous family reunions.

When I saw that I got a bit too conflictive was when it comes to assessing what was ‘sufficient’ in terms of time and moments of being there with the family and it was actually many hours throughout the past two days, practically whole afternoon until midnight in all the processes and even if we were suggested that we could leave at any time, I would assess ‘in my mind’ based on ‘what is acceptable and what is not’ by others, how ‘others’ would see it and in this is where self-compromise existed. I didn’t want to leave the spot, I didn’t want to cause an impression of ‘not caring about the person’ because in fact even if my interaction with the person wasn’t ‘that much’ every time it was actually very genuine and that’s what I am most grateful for about that situation that we could go beyond ‘age difference’ or ‘roles’ and speak frankly about things, which is also he liked about myself and my partner, not really ‘playing a show’ or being hypocritical as he would say, but just ‘be ourselves.’

So, in those moments of facing some coldness and hunger at times, some sleepiness too, I saw that I wanted to ‘stick up’ to being strong or resilient and supportive, while at the same time doubting myself altogether whether I should be there or not, whether it was of any support for others or not, whether it was best for us to leave or not, so in essence deciding to stick by based on doing it for others, to accompany them and also in a way of considering the memory of the person that died even though I know that he’s not ‘here’ or near his body but possibly walking his life review right now.

I decided then that we should stick through it all from beginning to end, taking some breaks in between but it was my first ‘full-fledged’ process of funeral in my life and I can use this experience as a way to learn more about myself in a situation like that and also confronting the point of judging myself as ‘not sure of myself’ in many situations or how to ‘act’ towards some people, because sometimes one doesn’t feel sad and I tend to be very transparent about it then judging myself as possibly being perceived that ‘I don’t care enough because I’m not sad or concerned’ which I did challenge as a belief within myself, not playing an emotion as a form of empathy towards others, while at the same time yes considering others’ pain and sorrow, and in some points yes admitting that I cried along with seeing some family members cry at the same time as a realization of their loss and that’s where I pushed myself to give a hand, to caress their back and simply be there for support .

Therefore I see that I have to let go of the judgment towards my actions in wanting to frame them as adequate or not, good enough or not, because as much as there are ways and certain politics or protocols in such situations, I can create an equilibrium between yes, adapting myself to it without compromising myself too much.

Where did I see the compromise? Well, when the coffin was open and the body was inside, people were going to greet it and say their goodbyes. I could not rationalize that it would have any meaning other than looking at an image of the person in the body and upon seeing everyone’s reaction to it, I considered that it was also a bit of a morbid situation, while at the same time rationalizing that ‘ok, it’s just a dead body, if I am resisting looking at it again, it’s based on the first impression I had the day before I saw the body ‘raw’ on the bed where he died’ and this time he already had some touch ups from the funerary, so I decided to look at the body and then the inevitable happened of course, the image triggered the actual realization of ‘the person is dead’ and you won’t ever see him again. So, there I cried a bit again which a part of me wanted to prevent and suppress while another was saying just let go and cry it out, while at the same time judging the emotional aspect of myself since it seemed ‘out of my control’ to handle.

In essence, yes as one can read, I was in a constant assessment and questioning of ‘what would be best for all’ to do in those moments, so I decided to not look at what I would like to do that much, but more look at others, the reason for this funeral to exist is not so much for the dead person – he’s not here anymore –but for the family, and that’s something I kept reminding myself so focused on being there as a point of presence for my family, for the family in general and as partner says, we are part of a social situation so we have to participate the same way others do and yes, learn from this situation for future ones because death is the most certain thing that happens to every person and not even our ‘tomorrow’ is secured, to any of us.

I also practiced simply breathing and being quiet within myself in those moments where there wasn’t really ‘much to do’ or not much happened. I also didn’t go into participating in the thoughts or memories about the person because I knew that would be a direct trigger to start crying or being sad about it, and I didn’t do that. I focused on what was in my surroundings and learned to be there with others in a similar manner, while at the same time ensuring I am not taken over in any emotional way, except for the couple of crying moments that didn’t last long.

I realize I have to also let go of judging myself if getting emotional in a situation like that. As it’s been shared in some material, one can cry and let it all out as a point of release, but at the same time ensuring that one is not ‘thinking oneself into crying’ either.

It also was an interesting situation because funerals and the death of a relative are such ‘common situations’ but funnily enough I had avoided going at those for such a long time, though due to the closeness with this person, I genuinely decided to be part of it, which is cool, I can see that I decided to live the word Empathy here in the sense of not become equally sad as everyone there, but decide to stand as a presence that can be more stable, breathe, and simply be there as a person that is there in the memory of the person that died and to be with the family. Here I have to for a moment be considerate and let go of more of my ‘radical self’ that would say that it is all useless as he’s not ‘there’ anymore and it is only a way to cry-out many regrets, fears or projections of our own death, but nope, I decided to be clear within me and not project, not judge others but there still was more of a questioning on how adequate I was in those situations – and instead learn from it, not judge myself over it, because it is in fact something relatively new.

We can only learn from making either decision – one or the other – because as partner says, if one see-saws then there are fears and then I have to look at what were those fears which I can see are related more into ‘what others might say’ rather than learning to trust myself, my consideration and not fearing making a ‘mistake’ in such a ‘delicate situation’ but all of these are like ‘special values’ I’ve attached to a situation like a funeral, which I should start embracing as any other part of our social interactions too.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto others ideas, beliefs and expectations about ‘how I should be and behave’ and in this compromising myself within these beliefs within me that I thought I had to ‘stick to’, which actually I ended up shattering once that I saw how the whole funeral indeed became like a small reunion of the family where eventually the sadness and protocol were past and people were able to relax a bit after some of the processes involved in the funeral were done, as well as realizing that I had created this whole idea about funerals in my head, from movies or situations that are not realistic in how things and people actually go and behave in them, so I confirm my own brainwashing, lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my actions and interactions during a funeral as inadequate or possibly not good enough when there is actually no ‘standard’ for it all nor is there any morality that I should adjust to, other than instead going in accordance to the actions and activities that are part of the funeral and remain in stability while being accompanying others in such moments, letting go of the idea that I have to ‘be sad or show sadness’ and instead continue pushing myself to be ok with being stable and rather of a supportive stance in the midst of it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge crying in a funeral as a weakness, as a form of ‘being in my mind’ upon seeing the person in the coffin which actually could have also triggered the idea of ‘no longer seeing the person around’ while at the same time remembering the times with them,  while at the same time invariably considering the death of everyone around me in that moment as something that I’ll face in one way or another – therefore, I can embrace death, death people as in dead bodies in front of me and see them for what they are, matter, while reminding myself that this funeral process is more for the living than the dead and that no matter ‘who dies’, I am here, I am breathing and anything I am fearing in relation to death I have to process for myself from the get go in order to not be holding on to judgments, ideas, beliefs around death and funerals and the social situation in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea that I should be ‘beyond’ this situation of funerals in terms of getting emotional in it, which can instead create a suppression if I have already participated in any form of sadness around it and as such, releasing it through crying makes sense for the body and myself, instead of holding myself back and causing more suppression in my body which I consider I created in me, experiencing a flu at the moment which sounds like a participation in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fears around the future of my parents dying, others in that same funeral dying and how I’ll have to take care of the situation which I managed to also turn into a constructive discussion with my parents to get to know more of the facts around their funerals and time of death, which has also become very much like a taboo topic that over the years I’ve been opening up more, but I could see how based on reactions I saw they had upon touching the subject, it was definitely not a ‘desired topic’ but they were ok to explain some things, which is cool and in this I rather turn those ‘fears’ into something practical where I know where I can look at the prevention and practicality of these points to look at.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into a future projection of how hard it must be to have parents die and how much I will cry or suffer when they are gone, and in doing so don’t stop myself from indulging into this imagination, wherein even if it could be a practical imagination and I considered how it would be reasonable to cry and be sad, there was also a fear of ‘not being able to be stable enough’ or ‘losing my ground’ which I rather hereby let go of the judgment towards a situation as the death of relatives, family, friends, partners that I will most likely face in my lifetime and instead be ok with whatever emerges in that moment, not judging sadness for the death of someone close to me as a weakness or a fall, but instead seeing it as a momentary process that I will also overcome with time and self-support, so here realizing that death of others is not the end of the world, no matter how hard it is at times, I am here, I’m breathing, I’m alive and so I rather not look too much into a future that I cannot ensure for myself either and instead, I can trust myself that when the time comes, I can deal with the situation in self-support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have tried to ‘break the taboo’ around the topic of death through speaking about it, asking how I would like to be buried or how others would like to be buried while at the same time still doing so within an inherent fear of actually having to face such moments – so here applies the point of ‘who we are’ in what we do, because even if I might seem comfortable in asking these questions and they can be in fact genuinely supportive to look at for practical reasons, if I am still existing as fear of facing those moments, then I am still having to let go of the fear of ‘what if’ for a future moment, stick to my present and trust myself I’ll be able to handle it when time comes, because death is the only certainty that we all have in this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear of loss toward the people that are close to me and wanting to believe that ‘I’ll survive it, I’ll be strong about it’ when in fact I don’t know and can’t know, and have to accept that it might not be an ‘easy time’ for me, yet what I do know is that  I can eventually overcome it with continuing focusing on living and supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-doubt about my actions and ways in general during a funeral wherein I am focusing more on what I am ‘for others’ and doing what is ‘expected’ instead of rather deciding to be the directive principle of myself there, doing what others do that I find is supportive like being there with the family, without indulging into emotions if they are not ‘here’ – meaning, not pretending for the sake of empathy – and at the same time, not judging myself if I do become emotional in them, wherein then I can come and write and see what other fears or points opened up in my through this experience and so instead of seeing this experience through the eyes of ‘fearing making a mistake’ or ‘not being up to the expectations’ – which are my own anyways – I can learn from myself in those contexts and continue being honest with myself about my experience, while realizing that I can stabilize myself and I can prevent emotional buildups through writing and reasoning through a death process as a preventive measure, but at the same time, not to judge if I cannot ‘contain’ myself in those moments. What matters is being able to stand up from those moments, not judging myself for being ‘at my weakest’ during the death of a person close to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wanted to play the strong one that doesn’t cry at all and that is ever stable when I have to also be self-honest in my experience and be ok with me being sad or crying at a funeral, while also keeping an eye on not being entertaining memories or ideas that lead to a continuous crying that is then being constantly generated by the mind and that I consider will also depend on the relationship with the person, the time spent with them and so not judging others when I do see them ‘break down’ and be very sad in those moments of mourning the death of a loved one. I have to embrace those situations as aspects of our humanity that might be difficult to completely face with zero emotions. Therefore not to judge myself as emotions, but rather ensuring I am not manipulating myself into emotions and instead let them out once that they are there and support myself to stand up again from such times/moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that we will miss him in family reunions because of his good sense of humor, kindness and embracing towards us for who we are, understanding our sometimes unconventional ways of being and enjoying that of ourselves, believing that then ‘no one’ will have that same stance towards ourselves, but here I can then apply the ‘miss-him’ to me-is-him realization whenever in future moments it comes up that we are missing him in our reunions, to rather live that kindness, welcoming, embracing, non-compromising expression he had with us, as well as with a good sense of humor and live it out ourselves, to continue being cordial to others and rather continue applying those words as myself toward others. That way I take the words, the aspects of him that I found most supportive and enjoyable and make it a point to live them as myself and so toward others.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel a bit powerless in wanting to help others that were in notorious grief and wanting to assist them in one way or another, expecting some kind of ‘result’ from it, instead of rather being unconditional with my presence and support and understanding how my desire to stop them suffering is still coming from a fear of them remaining in suffering, so I rather let go of a desired outcome of what my support should do for others and instead express it as myself, no judgment, no expectation, letting go of what’s right or wrong, but be able to trust my common sense in such moments and let go of the judgments, no matter how ‘new’ a situation might be for me, common sense is common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation towards myself in a funeral as in ‘wanting to be of support for others’ and so trying to find any way in which I could be ‘there’ as a point of support, which didn’t came through in any notorious manner, therefore here I have to let go of my desire to ‘be of support’ and instead embrace my presence as that, a presence that is there for myself and for others wherein I can then assist when and as I see is possible or required of me, but this does not mean that I am ‘only there wanting to support’ because then I condition myself, my decisions and my expression as in wanting to be ‘of support’ for others only.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to at times also consider whether I should be there at all, if we were not much of an ‘extra burden’ in such moments where I was assessing then in terms of ‘hierarchy of importance’ and ‘who’s who in the zoo’ in that situation based on ‘how close’ each person was to the person that died etc. instead of just being able to embrace my own conviction  of wanting to be there as my decision and that of everyone else that was also participating in their own decision – so I have to stop indulging into ‘what ifs’ in such situations, because yes as much as others could compromise themselves in not wanting to be rude to some people and ask them to leave, I also cannot create ideas about what others are desiring in relation to my presence there either. I can only be the one that is sincerely there as a personal conviction and so, others could do the same in relation to embracing me or not around and communicate about it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be ‘politically correct’ in a situation such as the death of a person, wherein it actually comes from a desire to be doing the ‘right thing’ in such situations but the reality is that it is many times a new experience for everyone therefore, there is no ‘right or wrong’ or expectations around it, but simply doing what’s necessary to do in such situations, following protocols while assisting oneself to remain calm and not feeding our minds with fears and experiences, while at the same time embracing the emotions if they are here at times.

 

I saw various points opened up throughout these past days and I noticed how in several moments I had to go making sure I am doing things within my own volition and decision, breaking through a pattern of avoiding funerals and instead testing out ‘who am I’ in them, in a way facing a fear of death in general I suppose that is more in relation to seeing others being sad or mourning and fearing that within myself.

I have to make peace with a process of mourning, that’s for sure and it’s something I’ll face probably several times in my life, therefore I rather assist myself with prevention and learning from this experience, which is another way to get to know myself.

 

Ultimately I have to consider and remind myself do as I’d like to be done unto – and in this yes I would not like people to be sad when I am dead but rather take one or two points they learned from me and live them through in their own lives, that would be awesome so, this process goes beyond ‘a funeral’ really, it can be turned into much more of what that person lived and what we can learn from each other and continue the life of these individuals through words we saw them live and live them ourselves.

 

Thanks for reading

 

For anyone seeking support on facing the death of loved ones , please read through the following blogs from Sunette to understand the process of mourning at a mind and physical level, very supportive:

Shock, Trauma and Stress: DAY 479 | Heaven’s Journey to Life

Shock, Trauma and Stress (Part Two): DAY 480 | Heaven’s 

Relationships and Death: DAY 481 | Heaven’s Journey to Life

Losing someone is like Losing a part of Myself – DAY 491 | 

Losing someone is like Losing a part of Myself (Part 2) – DAY 

 

To anyone wanting to know first hand shares from the life in the afterlife:

Death Review Series: This series consists of personal stories of beings during their process of death in various contexts and situations, detailing the relationship between the mind, body and beingness.

 

Life Review Series: This series consists of hundreds of personal stories of beings who passed, crossed over and reviewed their lives – all to share with us what they faced, what they learned and how they did or could have lived solutions.

 

Mourning Flu

 

 

join in the Process of Life


477. Physical Attraction

Or how to stop the objectification of ourselves as images to generate any form of mental experience.

 

A timely topic emerged today in a group discussion about physical attraction in relation to other people, how to face it, understand it and walk through it to a point of self-honesty.

So the basics are that yes, such reactions to a physical appearance as an image is a mind-stimulation based on preferences, in essence programming, that one has to essentially let go of and stop participating in to focus on who the being really is, the equality that such person is in fact in relation to us: another human being just like ourselves.

This indicates that whichever experience we have ‘about them’ is not really ‘about them,’ but entirely about ourselves and how we are judging, valuing and assessing a person through our minds with values, perspectives, preferences which is also a gift that we can use to see where and how we have separated ourselves from a particular person based on those values and judgments imposed onto the exterior appearance of our perfectly equal in substance physical bodies.

One point that emerged in the discussion shared by Matti that I had not considered is how this participation in physical attraction as in either desiring a person for ‘how they look’ or creating fantasies around them and oneself in a relationship or some other type of intimate interaction, is no different to watching porn, where one is essentially stimulating oneself in one’s mind based on an image, an idea, a set of pixels of a particular person that we then ‘possess’ ourselves with in our minds, diminishing that very real and physical human being into an object that we crave, desire and lust around as if ‘this being’ was meant to be a source of pleasure for us… obviously this is not common sensical.

It is in fact self-abusive to be diminishing each other as objects and a point I also reflected upon when discussing this with my partner is how many times I can get ‘offended’ if anyone would show such participation of ‘physical attraction’ towards me or anyone else, which I wasn’t directly taking back to myself and realizing how I was and have done the exact same thing upon people, creating ‘attractions’ and desires based on looks, no matter how ‘close’ that person is to me or how ‘far away’ they seemingly are – as in movie stars, musicians or regular people I can see walking on the streets = doesn’t matter ‘who’ we do it towards, really, what matters is how I have been co-participating in the reduction of an actual living human being – a being that is actually also myself as well – into a picture that I can abstract into my mind and ‘own’ or ‘fantasize’ about in order to create a particular seemingly ‘positive’ experience in me. This is definitely not at all the kind of relationships I want to stand by or create with people, not with the ones ‘close’ to me nor with anyone else.

So, just as my partner said how the ability to ‘get offended’ implies we are doing the exact same in some way in our lives, it then clicked to me that I have done that exact same thing, showing  ‘disgust’ for people that lust on others –specially males on females – yet, not seeing or wanting to accept that I have done the exact same thing towards males and have not questioned it at all, but seeing it as something ‘very normal’.

This proves again how whenever I see myself holding a judgment about someone and feel ‘righteous’ about it, I need to stop myself and open up that point for me, to see what am I missing out that exists in me, that I am actively participating on as well yet diminishing it, deceiving myself in thinking that ‘it is not that important’ to look at, dismissing the fact that it is most often than not these seemingly ‘little aspects’ of ourselves that hold the most patterns, tendencies and dishonesty in ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a convenience in seeing the abuse that happens in the form of physical attraction and the desire, fantasies and illusions that one can generate  with or about another’s ‘physical image’ for the sake of creating a ‘positive’ – or negative – energetic experience as something ‘normal’ or ‘common’  and never really equating it to it being the exact same mechanism as with watching porn or deliberately ‘lusting’ about another’s physical appearance or fixations at any level, because in doing so it is no different to reducing the image of a person as a trigger of a positive experience in me, which is in fact no different to how porn functions as well, reducing human physical bodies to a source of an energetic experience where we are not actually considering the beings, the people themselves, but only get fixated into one’s own pleasure and experience triggered by a picture in our minds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been offended whenever I became aware of a person denoting an attraction towards a physical body, specially males upon women or upon myself, where I would become enraged for being ‘objectified’ as a source of lust for another individual – though never really being self-honest in realizing how I have done the exact same thing about males in my mind, just ‘painting it’ with a brush of complacency, considering it is something innocent and not-harmful, when in fact this very participation in an energetic experience towards another person is me replicating the exact same mechanisms in which one of the biggest obsessions and addictions in this world function: porn, nothing else but translating an image into a source of addictions, fixations, seemingly ‘positive experiences’ where we go slowly but surely dislocating ourselves from our very own one and equal nature to those beings/people that we are using as a source of apparent ‘satisfaction’ at a mind level, because this can for sure never be a genuine source of ‘satisfaction’ to begin with.

Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to minimize my relationship to the image of other people as a form of ‘attraction’ as something ‘non-consequential, very small and controllable, not much of a big deal’ – instead of seeing directly how it accumulates and escalates to a point of obsessions, fixations and addictions based on a constant participation in the thought, fantasy or illusion experience ‘with the image’ of another person, which means I am not taking ‘them’ into consideration at all in that moment, but only the creation of a ‘good feeling’ within me that is entirely created by myself, in my own mind and has nothing to do with me considering them, as physical beings, as equals to myself which means by default, I should not be creating an energetic experience and relationship towards them, because that in itself already indicates that the whole starting point of who I am in relation to them is still completely filtered through the mind, through my preferences as likes and dislikes, through my own programming based on what I have been storing in my head as ‘ideas of beauty’ or ‘handsomeness’ based on the kind of pictures I used to see while growing up as a child, the kinds and types of people that ‘I grew a taste for’ and not questioning this programming for what it is, but allowing myself to actually play out on my desires and seek for ‘matches’ in this kind of relationship-scenarios that I also built as an ideal in my mind, not considering at all who the other person really is and what they are really all about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having taken a haughty position or superior position in believing that I was ‘better than’ others for not participating in watching porn for example, yet not really investigating and seeing or wanting to admit how I am participating in the exact same principle when taking someone’s physical body image and use it as a source of personal amusement, fantasy, ideals, desires and day dreaming that I had not  questioned because of diminishing it to something seemingly ‘not that important’ or ‘under control’ for me, that would seemingly ‘not harm anyone’ – but, over time and little by little, the only person that it affects is oneself when not being able to in fact ‘be in control’ of those experiences but instead be dominated by them which then takes a serious process of diligently dissecting and redirecting each experience, each fantasy, each ‘dream’ that we create in our minds related to that one image of a person, to see what of ourselves is trapped in this experience of desire towards another and so make a decision, who do I want to be in relation to that person?

In this I commit myself to honor myself by living the solution to end the objectification of ourselves as human beings and consequently of porn or any other source of stimulation based on images – this is by stopping doing this myself, no matter ‘who’ the person is that I have in my mind – or object or situation – I have to focus on physical reality, on what is here, tangibly, and I have to honor and respect fellow human beings by seeing them for who and what they are as equals, as fellow beings, fellow ‘me’s’ that I cannot reduce to being a source of personal entertainment, because I certainly would not like to be ‘that’ kind of infatuation or source of mental stimulation for another – therefore I have to be the one that stops it absolutely within myself, no matter ‘how small’ or how seemingly ‘innocent’ this process of fantasizing is about, the key is to let go entirely of all mental stimulation and instead, focus on getting to see the beings for what they are, who they are, getting to know and appreciate them for the substance that they are in themselves. This applies not only to people we might already be related to in one way or another, but also with strangers as well, to see beyond the immediate veils and always focus on what’s in the inside. That’s where the real ‘meat’ is in fact, not on the outside, not on the images, values and perceptions we can create about another’s image and presentation.

As an extra note, it speaks volumes of ourselves in the way that we decide to SEE others: do we decide to turn them into objects of our fascination and infatuation? Or do we decide to learn to see through the immediate picture and into them, into who they really are as beings, to see who they are in their words and how congruent that is with their actions. The same being applied back to ourselves of course, how much are we focusing on how we look, dress, how we want to ‘appear’ to others out there, because what we are and by the laws that we live by in our own being, we recreate out there in multiple forms and ways, therefore, hereby I make a decision to stop fixating on an external picture – no matter of who or what or at ‘what level’ – and focus on the substance that is in each being or expression that is here, in fact being one and equal with myself.

Thanks for reading.

 

Supportive material:

 

Live Drawing 2007

 

Learn how to Be Free of Fixations

 


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