Category Archives: self-honesty

639. Reconciling with the Artistic Expression In Me

 

It’s been a while since I shared a blog. I’ve been on a ‘writing diet’ where I write at least 3 pages on a daily basis in my personal diary or notebook which is something I begun as part of a process I’m embarking myself on to reconcile myself – yes, once again and yes embracing the process – with my artistic side or artistic interests which I’ve been basically focusing on investigating and aligning throughout these past months. I’ve been realizing some of the most ‘shady’ aspects that I’ve allowed to get in the way of me continuing to express myself and I decided to write self forgiveness on these points along with some realizations and share them, since I’m aware many can be at a similar situation with any given aspect in their lives too.  

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize I created a sense of being unworthy when it comes to expressing myself through creative means simply because of being told that no one would buy that, no one would like that and that I had to do stuff that most people liked in order to be paid for it, which then became a way to constantly create a hellish experience within me while creating, having to satisfy these invisible people that I believed I had to please and within that, causing that split within me where expressing myself in a more intimate and unconditional way – as it was in the beginning when I started – became a thing of the past and I then had to ‘use my skills’ to ‘be bought’ by others, and in doing so eventually wanting to once again distance myself from doing anything creatively.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold a negative experience to the idea of my work being valued in a certain amount of money where I’ve judged such amount of money as ridiculous and just not worth the ‘thing’ that I created, which I then believed was something good or positive but slowly with time I allowed that notion to sabotage me from continuing to create because I then would be having to ‘think in money terms’ when creating, which became a departure from myself – because art for me was not intended to be a ‘product’ but it was a very personal, unconditional and dare I say innocent form of expression with and for myself that I then allowed to be influenced on ‘why I do it’ and ‘what kind of stuff’ I should do, missing out the point of it which has always and should always be Me and the process I’ve been walking, which is what any form of expression for me is really about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a silent inner war in relation to art and monetary value where I slowly but surely sabotaged myself from creating anything as a way to not have to see it as a product – instead of seeing that I could have simply realized that I was  attaching some monetary values to something that should be first of all a point of self-expression and communication, where an economic value would come only if and when I would decide to offer it for selling it and only when and if there could be any potential person interested in buying it, therefore leaving all of that as a secondary purpose to it, not ever forgetting that my main purpose and value is for myself, for my own satisfaction, expression and enjoyment – otherwise I now see I corrupt myself by thinking in ‘money terms’ other than me expressing me and sharing unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the moment that there was a struggle in my head because of having others’ opinions, views or expectations of ‘what I need to create’ I should have stopped and not allow myself to go there, since that is not the reason why I signed up to do anything creative in the first place, I did it as a point of curiosity and exploration for myself, to communicate myself with myself and then it became something I would have to do as a profession to be paid for and satisfy others with it, which is not a ‘wrong’ thing to do either, but that’s not where my true passion is for in it.  I totally buried myself under those ‘expectations’ I projected upon myself even when I believed I was doing something ‘for me,’ I would still be having ideas of ‘having others liking it’ in the background and in that, I corrupted my own expression which I see has of course nothing to do with the ghostly voices in my head of ‘others eyes’ on it,  because they were entirely brought up by myself and it then became in a bundle of  fears around it that I now see I used as a justification to not continue doing anything creative for a while.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to many times create a dissonance, a split between ‘what’ I had to do instead of asking myself who do I decide to be and according to that direct myself, because of having fallen on the usual ideas where I would have to choose one thing to become ‘something’ in life– like having a certain title, career or diploma – in order to perform certain tasks which show me the extent to which I have been mostly perpetuating the same kind of labels and boxes wherein we have defined ourselves to be just ‘one thing’ and only be that ‘one thing’ throughout a lifetime, instead of opening up the endless possibilities that are in fact possible if we tap into that source of what and who we really are and so expressing that into any aspect of our lives, regardless of ‘what we do.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself between the idea of supporting others and making that my living purpose and my own natural tendency an d interest on artists and artistic creations as a source of both enjoyment and understanding to me, and in doing so, I ended up creating a division from this natural expression and judging it as selfish, as a waste of time, as shallow or without any consequence in others’ lives, without realizing  that in doing so, I was cutting up, chopping off a part of myself in such judgment process wherein I then created a constant push and pull friction game towards that inclination that emerged from a very young age in me and that I judged later on as frivolous and part of my ego-creation.

I realize currently how yes from a very innocent and instinctive move to paint and draw, I then turned it into a an expectation of making it my profession and then buying into the idea of that having to be my way to ‘climb up the ladder of success’ and feed my ego with dreams and ideals of fame and recognition, where – even though I had the idea of ‘doing so to help to save the world’ – the motivation was still the aggrandizement of my own persona, which is why I then took myself to the opposite side of not wanting to show what I do, not wanting to share it around and judging others that would dare to do so as egotistical or seeking others’ approval, which only stands as my own projection of my own judgments and what I’ve done towards myself, which I realize is a product of tainting my expression with the norms and ways we have created the current system wherein art has also become an industry which is not wrong in itself since it can be considered work itself, but to me art does go beyond the ‘final product’ but I’m definitely more interested in the person that is behind the work of art which is where I see that lies my interest on the artistic field.

I forgive myself  that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to taint my expression with the ideas of ‘what I would have to do’ in order to sell or in order to have other people like what I do, which I realized has been a rather painful process considering that it doesn’t mean I have to make money out of what I decide to express in a very personal way of communicating with myself, which I can share unconditionally without having to make it ‘fit’ certain market standards or having certain ‘qualities’ which is what I’ve then come to experience an inner conflict with, because my aim is to use art as a way to communicate and to see myself, to understand and learn from myself and enjoy while making it and making that very personal and sacred moment where it’s just me expressing and communicating with myself.

I realize that the moment that I place ‘others’ or ‘the public’ as the ultimate outcome, I distance myself from myself, I move away from that very core point that got me into wanting to create art in the first place and it becomes a job, something I have ‘to do’ for money or to be able to be ‘sellable’ and in that, losing my own essence and shaping myself into whatever I am believing ‘others’ want to see and get from me, which is entirely created in my own mind and as such, there has never been ‘others’ or any form of exigencies, it’s all been me allowing my own judgments and ideas to influence and maim my own creativity over the years .

I realize that the various comments and opinions I got over the years were all standing as expressions of their own views and standards, and to me they represented moments where I would have had to fully stand as my expression – but I didn’t. And that’s why every time I would succumb to certain demands, I would feel a little more lost in it all and ended up feeling meaningless and purposeless – shallow – in the whole process of making anything related to art, even doing any form of indoor decoration because of then tainting it as shallow, superficial or non-substantial or supportive to life itself – defining ‘life’ outside of myself as ‘others’– instead of seeing that I am the source of it and the ultimate end point of it, if it exists in me – and me being part of the whole – there should not exist any limitation to this point of expression that is intended to see ‘what comes out of me’ as an individual, simply to see ‘how I am doing’ and express it in ways that I may not be able to do so through words at times, and so seeing that it has been essential for me to draw and paint things that are just inside of me and come out as an extension of myself, that are devoid of a certain ‘receptor’, which I consider is the actual essence of what any form of art is, an externalization of the creator because of the sheer will of the creator itself to have it happen or just ‘be’ for its own sake.

In my case I have decided to make of that art not something that I ‘have to do’ but something that I can decide to express as part of my self-communication, self-enjoyment, the creation of that me-time that I now know I have to give myself and create for myself since I have shaped my life and time around all of the other doings that I require to do as a way to survive and as a way to relate to others, which simply require a balancing point so that I can in fact give me and create more time to do it and stick to it the same way that I stand in a disciplined and responsible manner to any other responsibility and duty I have.

I realize that If I cut out this limb of mine, this part of me that has continued to be a relevant aspect of my life, I’ll end up feeling forever frustrated for not having had the guts to give myself the time and courage to do it, to make it actually OK and acceptable that I create time for me to continue developing any form of creative expression that satisfies that self-communication and self-understanding beyond the usual self-writings, because that stands as something that can break the mold of what I regularly do on a daily basis and what I dare to say to myself through words only.

I also understand the importance of creativity, it is that ‘creative germ’ that is needed in all of us if we truly want to ‘break the mold’ and create a better world because otherwise, as I’ve seen for myself, we can just fall into the comfort of how things usually are and have been and not having any new things or challenges coming our way and getting too complacent and obedient to whatever we have all collectively come to believe is how ‘we should live our lives.’ And I know that it takes courage and a real sense of authority and will to decide to not fall into such expectations and categories and live differently, which then doesn’t become a constant ‘against the flow’ rebellious type of process as I used to do it before, but it becomes simply living the realization that this is the actuality of myself that is no longer seeking to be liked, appreciated or conform or fit in, but embraces that individuality devoid of judgment and expectations, and simply decides to get back in tune with myself, to be ‘here’ rather than seeking to be somewhere else or be accepted by others here or there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to maim my own authenticity whenever I allowed others’ comments, opinions – or the lack thereof – about what I do creatively to affect and define the way that I relate to my works of art, where I then stepped into the realm of valuing opinions and judgments and forgot to look at myself, asking myself why is this important or relevant for me to do, what it means to me and why it satisfies me or not to do it.  

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become too concerned with monetary values and I realize that it is not about saying that selling my art is wrong or an act of self-interest, but that should come as a byproduct of me first standing fully in absolute congruence with my creation, where I can be sure there isn’t any noise implied in its creation while having thoughts about possibly selling it or thinking what colors would be liked more by ‘the majority’ of people, or what kind of stuff would be ‘easy to appreciate and like’ and hang on a wall or have around – and instead focus on simply being me, expressing me because I can see how I have been living that within myself and I have stood up when realizing I’m about to enter into a ‘shaping’ process that doesn’t respect me – but I haven’t done that with my own artistic expression.

I realize how easy it is for me to get into that shady space of not sharing or showing myself, all having to do with holding ideas about ‘who I am and have been’ in relation to a particular ‘personality system’ of having been placed in the spotlight at a certain time in my life, creating and building expectations upon myself that I then couldn’t fulfill because they, of course, came from a place of separation, of arrogance, of superiority and idealism that can’t be in fact satisfied because it’s not coming from the truth of who I am and who I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to people’s opinions and values given towards me, where they all in fact felt phony to me ever since being a child and receiving accolades, it became a great nuisance to be told all of these good things and being praised where I eventually wanted to ‘not be singled out’ and hide in the background, to not stand out and in doing so,  I ended up diminishing myself because of having created a negative experience to being the source of opinions and critics, even if they were favorable, it seemed unfair and unreal for me to be able to define someone based on numeric characters or only a few characteristics that were ‘worthy’ within a particular system, like in schools.

That’s also why I wanted to do something that could enable me to see myself outside of values and titles that we are supposed to get in society, that define ‘who we are’ and that’s why I started doing what I did within an artistic expression – that I later on ‘vandalized’ with adding all kinds of judgments, opinions  and expectations to it and I perverted it and turned it into just another ‘thing’ that one ‘does’ in the ‘system’ and that’s it, it’s like taking the life out of myself by turning that which was once very personal and unconditional and a point of enjoyment to me and turning it into a show ‘for others’ and to find ‘my value and worth’ in society, which I then failed to do as I should, because it would have led me down to another rabbit hole if I had been successful at that.

I also realize that it’s not that ‘others’ are the problem in fact, since they are me. In any case each person stands as a good mirror where I can look back at myself and see what I can learn from it to either expand  myself or try out new things, without any longer seeking to be liked, accepted, valued or appreciated that way, because I realize that such values are in fact standing only in the eye of the mind and can only serve a way to ‘see’ things, but it’s only me that will ultimately know WHO I am behind WHAT I decide to do, whatever it is.

I realize that we lose ourselves many times in the eyes of others and allow ourselves to get quietly and deeply hurt and don’t dare to speak it out in the moment, because of fearing to come through as sensitive or immature – but opening up about those aspects that were impactful for us is the first point, to realize that many times there have been assumptions, misunderstandings and a general projection of who each person is in relation to their opinions and comments. I realize that I also have been able to consider certain constructive aspects from what others say about my work, but even with that, I realize I have to define what I will accept and allow as feedback and what I won’t because to me, artistic expression is that one sacred place where no others’ ‘laws’ or ‘ways’ apply and where I can in fact transcend myself and my limited views, beliefs and morals. I desecrate that space, that part of myself every time that I use someone else’s words as a reason or justification of why I should do something a certain way or why I should just give up trying to do anything creative.

I also realize that in my mind I have been the only one that has decided to give such amount of focus and attention to what others may or may not say – critically and constructively – and that I am the only one that can allow that to affect me in a negative or emotional way.  I realize that as one goes strengthening that sense of self-worth, self appreciation and being congruent with the expression of ‘who I am’ and ‘who I decide to be’ and what I focus on continuing to create and express no matter what may come my way, it should not change who I decide to be in that expression.

I can use the feedback  to make myself grow and expand and consider other perspectives, but reacting negatively towards it is entirely a self-created decision that I now realize I have the total capacity to work through and release myself from, which can leave me with a better understanding of who the other person is in their words and their way of seeing things and their relationship to what I do, but ultimately to not take it personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my own expression, the unique actions and movements and expressions that I have to any other human beings’, which has led me within a never ending unfulfilled experience where I became the outflow of my own judgments and allowing that to maim my creative expression by giving up on it.

I realize we all – each one of us – is part of the whole that expresses in a unique way, which doesn’t make it more or less than or ‘better’ or ‘worse’ than – it is about embracing the multiplicity and learning to see it as that unique expression that it is, where I realize that I have made and turned myself into my own worst enemy when constantly deciding what is ‘good’ or not in my own eyes and then ending up projecting those judgments towards my own creations, which results in self-sabotage.

Currently I realize looking back how what I’ve done just IS and they are all testimonies and registry of the various phases in my life that I don’t have to feel ashamed of, since they were a relevant and important aspect of who I was at the time, a part of me, a reflection of me in that space and time and if I don’t embrace and accept myself and decide that such expression had its right to be at the time and represent me, who else will? No one.

I realize that my curiosity and general inclination towards some artistic expressions like music and visual arts have been a form of food for my beingness, which at some point I tried to simply distance myself from within the belief that they were just distractions or my own way to ‘escape’ from my reality. And I realize that at times, it might have been so in the past, but I surely realize that is not my starting point at the moment but the other way around.

I now see the potential in art and artists as part of what’s worth living for in this world, because I’ve gone from loathing humanity to appreciating every person that I get to know more about and seeing a lot of valuable things that I can learn from which I’ve come to do through watching documentaries, reading about artists lives and any creative genius, which I ultimately see as one of the reasons why I want to continue being me and developing my expression,  not only to support others but to get to contribute back in the ‘creative pool’ from where I’ve been nurturing myself from as well, because that’s how I’ve gotten to appreciate the life that is in each one of us and that manifests in all of these multiple ways that are worth getting to see and appreciate for who and what they are.

My starting point is not to feel ‘original’ since we are ALL original since we all come from the same and one origin point that we all express in a variety of ways that actually makes this life worth living and so, it’s absolutely worth getting to know one another and getting to connect with those that may be walking a similar path and living purpose to the one I have, which I’ve seen is quite feasible as well.

My current starting point to develop myself in relation to any form of artistic creation and developing communication and comradeship with fellow artists is because it’s proven to me how this particular sector of people in the world that, according to how I see it, dares to live ‘outside of the norm’ within their minds and so in their lives and dare to share that in any way that reflects their inside world, that reflects their particular inner experience are the front runners of changing the way life is lived and how new structures and ways can be created that benefit more of humanity and life in general.

 I’ve seen how easy it is to connect to that same common sensical level with people that are working or have experience in any cultural or artistic field, we just can click in one moment because there’s that same or similar understanding of who we really are and what’s worth working and living for in this life.

I was discussing with my friend about art in itself and it got me to think how I don’t have a particular fondness for certain works of art based on taste, but I surely get to appreciate the ‘who’ is behind that work that got to master themselves to put in the practice, effort, dedication and willingness to do something that perhaps was completely ‘out of their norm’ and did what they had to do in order to get it out of themselves and manifest it as a creation in reality; some others might have done it from a more natural talent that they just could effortlessly express, but in either case, there is a willingness to express and to me that is implying that there is an awareness of the creative potential we all have and can use to benefit our lives. How?

To me it is a primordial and basic point of nurturing your being, of expressing and so sharing it if one’s up for it. They are all bits and ways in which we go stepping out of the ‘usual patterns’ and dare to cross our own limitations and in sharing them, we assist others to do so as well. I also had to let go of the ideas of wanting to share or inspire others or wanting it to be ‘seen’ or ‘liked’ by others. It’s very similar to this process and writing where, whenever I place myself in a position of wanting to ‘share with others’ I miss out myself as being my own point, my own source, my own end of such creation. So now, If I find it supportive, then sharing becomes simply an extension of that self-support being in fact something that I see could benefit others because it is benefitting me.

This is where I can decide to own me and my every step of the way in my own creation, which I also relate to the way I’ve been able to own my decisions and choices in life and all the mistakes I’ve made, because they now make me who I am and I can look back and see that they are all part of the building blocks that I can now constructively use as part of the experience that makes me who I am today that may become stories of support to share to others as a way to learn from my own doings and wrongdoings and get to express the better version of ourselves.

 

Thanks for reading

I absolutely recommend listening to this series to anyone that’s interested in this kind of topics and specifically feeling meaningless, purposeless or feeling like there’s something yet to satisfy within oneself as a living purpose


  1. Meaningless: The Undefined Self – Atlanteans – Part 346

  2. Meaningless: Searching for Meaning – Atlanteans – Part 347
  3. Meaningless: Redefinition – Atlanteans – Part 348
  4. Meaningless: Self Forgiveness Challenge – Atlanteans – Part 349
  5. Meaningless: Standing as a Self Directive Principle – Atlanteans – Part 350
  6. Meaningless: Giving Yourself Meaning – Atlanteans – Part 351
  7. Meaningless: Fulfillment – Atlanteans – Part 352

  8. Meaning: Finding Meaning in a Cruel World – Atlanteans – Part 353

 

Losing My Limb

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty

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636. #EqafeDiscovery: Frustration and ‘Being On Time’

I was listening to the Eqafe recordings on Frustration Overwhelmed by Frustration (Part 1) – Life Review and Overwhelmed by Frustration (Part 2) – Life Review where I could relate to the people sharing about this kind of experience which I can see in my life is something that I did acquire from my father based on how he would get anxious and exasperated whenever having to wait for my mother and my sisters to get out of the house ‘on time’ to get somewhere. It usually was a source of outbursts, at least temporarily that would be a ‘by default’ setting when we would all go out somewhere and even more so when traveling. I also decided back then to align more with my father’s way of perceiving punctuality to be a virtue, a ‘correct way’ in which life is lived and so, I can see how I have copy+pasted his anger, frustration, irritation, annoyance and exasperation whenever anything doesn’t happen as expected or one is late or something like that, it is just as if ‘all hell breaks loose.’

I noticed this form of control in me where I want to impose onto others that which I see is best, makes sense or is ‘expected’ to be done as a point of self-responsibility when it comes to ‘being on time’ somewhere, and if this is not the case and they don’t show up at the time they expected or don’t show up at all, it creates a bothering experience in me as if they were somehow ‘degrading’ themselves based on having agreed to be at certain meetings or events ‘on time.’

In the audio they explain how even if one may be able to see similar traits from our parents and have ‘lived them out’ as a form of hereditary character, it doesn’t mean that it should define ‘who we are’ entirely. And I agree and I’ve been paying more attention to this based on the traits that I see in both of my parents, and as I’ve been sharing, part of the ‘slowing down’ for me is also to let go of all kinds of control forms that emerge in similar ways to that which I would see my father would play out.

Here the relevant point for me to become aware of is to not have this ‘hereditary’ or ‘genetic trait’ as some kind of excuse to not change it in me, because I’ve seen how it affects my own well being and ‘who I am’ in a moment whenever I give into this kind of irritation, frustration, exasperation and annoyance when it comes to being on time or having things go ‘the way I expected.’ And as with everything, that ‘chain’ of traits needs to be stopped within me.

The Eqafe recordings are a conversation with someone that also learned certain traits from his father and how that is also affecting his own relationship with his children. In my case, this spills out in virtually any aspect where I kind of naturally place myself in a position of direction or leadership, the point is that it even happens in situations where I should not be taking such stance, which is another point to consider in how I sometimes take things ‘personally’ as if it was ‘my duty’ to be ‘on charge’ when I’m not, lol.

The thoughts I noticed within a recent situation where others arrived late to an agreed meeting and event had to do with holding a certain image of myself by association, as if such people’s actions in relation to ‘not being on time’ could ‘taint’ my own reputation, my ‘standing’ so to speak in the sense that I am usually careful with commitments and I act based on what I would like others to do towards me, such as being on time if it is an agreed point between all parties involved.

I noticed that my experience in a moment where others were not showing up on time was just causing more tension in me and therefore around me, because I reacted to what I perceived as lack of responsibility and integrity in the people that weren’t showing up as scheduled, in a way perceiving they were  just not ‘taking it seriously.’  

What did I do? I took a step ‘aside’ by myself for a moment to calm down, even if I wasn’t being overtly emotionally expressive about it, I noticed I was in fact causing myself to see everything as if it was a ‘big’ problem and with that, having thoughts about losing prestige, losing credibility, being treated as ‘less than’ because of being associated to people that ‘are not trustworthy’ or ‘not on time’ to what I define as important meetings or events. This is also influenced by my idea and perception that showing up early or being on time ‘is a quality that invariably denotes reliability and responsibility’… but, this is certainly not a rule.

I found it cool to hear to those Eqafe recordings and see that this was part of the suggestions whenever getting to a point of ‘boiling up with frustration,’ to take a step to the side so to speak to truly calm down and not spill out one’s reactions upon others, so I’m glad I did it, but it took some time to ‘cool down’ so to speak and because it took quite some time, I’m here to write it out and see what was really going on within me that was ‘upholding’ that frustration for longer than I would have wanted.

I see how I tend to do ‘whatever it takes’ to be usually on time, I really haven’t made myself as flexible in certain situations to be ‘ok’ with arriving late. However I recently also was on the ‘giving’ end of not arriving at an expected time and breaking such ‘punctuality’ pattern in me that prompted others to react to it. In this, I could reflect back or mirror myself to the kind of general fuss I create about people not being on time and associating that to ‘all the worst’ type of qualities in a person where I, for a moment, forget about everything of who the person or people are and I simply see all the ‘bad’ or ‘worse’ such as irresponsibility, carelessness, being unreliable, not trust worthy, taking things lightly, too lax about things, not being serious enough, irresponsible, neglectful and disrespectful of people’s time. All of these are of course aspects we can all have in our lives regardless of ‘being on time’- that’s for sure.

Now the interesting part in the event where others arrived late is that, it wasn’t even a meeting ‘with me’ per se, I could not directly do anything about it, yet I was going to partake in it. So why do I fear so much being ‘associated’ to others not being on time? Why haven’t I learned to ‘separate’ myself in a healthy manner from taking such kind of attitudes personally as if it was ‘me’ being irresponsible or lacking consideration of others’ time?

While I was on my own trying to calm down from the ‘boiling up’ experience of seeing others not arriving on time, I kept telling myself that probably others would not even notice or be as ‘aware’ of the time as I was. I kept telling myself that it might be something ‘usual’ for most to not have things start at the expected time… but it all seemed futile, because I essentially got stuck on the judgment towards the situation and the people involved as ‘below standard’ and deciding that ‘that was not a commendable type of attitude’.

In essence, the whole problem I had is ending up being seen as unreliable, not trustworthy at the eyes of others by association. The keywords here are related to ‘tarnishing’ my self-image in this kind of situation, instead of being able to take a step back and realize that other people’s lives, responsibilities and decisions are not in my hands to be able to ‘move them’ to be on time at a certain place or being able to ‘change others’ to commit to do something they had agreed to at a certain time.

This is another dimension of control and I noticed how much it still takes over in me, which I can look back at some memories where through yelling out, getting angry and frustrated my father would manage to get my mother and sisters to hurry up to leave the house and be ‘on time’ wherever we were going to – this is the ‘construct’ of it:

“If I get angry, yell out, show myself frowning, scream or essentially through a tantrum = then I will get people to hurry and do as I say because they will want me to calm down”. Of course this might have worked at home based on the whole organization there that was accepted and allowed – and one to which fortunately my mother has been able to stand up from and show my father how to ‘take things easier’ – but it’s a hard thing to change by now, though at least she doesn’t react or take it personally, which is great.

So, in my case, of course it’s kind of funny now looking back to pretend that by me showing an angry face or being frustrated, something will be ‘magically done’ to move people’s bodies to arrive on time… lol! Yes, getting angry, exasperated and trying to ‘curse at the world’ will do Nothing to change the situation, literally, it is just what it is: throwing a tantrum and expecting that to get me ‘what I am’ or my desired outcome, when in fact, of course, there was Nothing I could actually practically do to change the situation.

I’d say fortunately I didn’t cause much of a problem for others because I did ‘take a step back’ literally to not have my experience spill out onto others while sorting out the situation in the moment. But I do see how it did spoil my own experience that I had foreseen was going to be an enjoyable moment for me, and eventually after some 40 minutes or so I was able to see the frustration no longer ‘be active in me.’ What happened throughout those 40 minutes then? I participated but I still kept a very serious face as an attempt to ‘show’ those that had been late to the even that I wasn’t happy – but again, lol, what for?

I could have actually spoiled things further if my own frowning and frustration pout could cause others to notice it and impact how they experience themselves in a moment. Because! It is now part of my extended responsibility to know that if I show a certain stance, posture, facial expressions towards others, I am in fact deliberately intending to cause certain effect on them, to deliver a message of ‘I’m pissed’ and if such impression is aimed at having others ‘feel bad’ for ‘not being on time,’ then obviously this is not a ‘best for all’ type of decision, so… is that really who I want to be? Is that a solution? Is that an honorable way to stand in such moments? Nope, not at all. It only worsens things.

My justification to remain in such bothered state is that it was meant to be best for everyone to start on time. This is the justification, this is based on what I’ve held as ‘standard’ and ‘what is best’ in such a polarized way that anything that doesn’t remain in that square then triggers a negative experience – and that’s what needs to be change.

Did my ‘angry face’ changed anything? No. Was I able to prompt people to arrive ‘on time’ with such reaction? Nope! Did it really matter in the end? No, since other people were also late that were directly involved in the organization of the event. Did anyone seem to care to start some 5 minutes later? No, I don’t think so. Then, what is the REAL problem here?

There is no real problem in fact, because things unfolded as expected – later than at the ‘exact’ agreed time – but it still took place and I allowed myself to get back to my senses as everything unfolded, but it wasn’t an immediate ‘letting go’, I took some time to get to embody such flexibility and let go of all my justifications about ‘my bothersome state.’

So, this is truly about me stopping projecting my own standards and ‘perfectionism’ onto others when it is not something that even matters to most people. Perhaps it is part of being considerate of other people’s time, which I personally appreciate as a quality in people – but it is not something that entirely defines ‘who a person is.’ And at the same time, it is not in my hands to do anything about ‘others being late’ really, I have to learn to go with the flow of life, and life is not ultimately watching ‘every second’ in order to happen. This wasn’t a ‘pressing meeting’ or of some high command or officials… and even those I’ve seen how also allow themselves to have some flexibility based on ‘what needs to happen’ first. Therefore there wasn’t even such need to be ‘totally precise’ with the timing either –I need to have my context in consideration as well.

Even with myself and being on the other end of arriving a few minutes late and causing a reaction in others,  I saw how much it becomes a ‘big problem’ in others if I allow myself to make a ‘big deal’ out of it as well, because I then justify such bothersome reaction in others for ‘me not arriving on time’ because! I basically do the same.

What is this thing with arriving on time? I’ve seen how I create some form of pride and uplifting experience if I manage to be ‘right on time’ somewhere, even if I have to rush and run at times to get there at the ‘exact time.’ For what? Well, for example my partner is someone that is usually  quite on time and is one of the things I appreciate in him – as he does in me – and I have associated this quality with reliability. But I also see how we can lock each other up in such rigidity about ‘being on time’ because then we create this expectation of no-matter-what we will always, always be on time and this can actually cause inflexibility and an immediate trigger for emotions if for one reason one of us can’t be on time or other people that we agreed to meet up with can’t be ‘on time’ as expected.

Getting to know ‘the reasons’ behind the delay also expands my ability to understand how other’s lives unfold, what comes ‘in their way’ that I couldn’t have possibly considered before.

So this is another form of control that I need to let go of towards myself and towards others– and yes there’s resistance in it because of the associations I’ve attached to it – but it doesn’t mean I now will ‘arrive late’ or ‘not care about time’ at all. This is about growing some consideration, comprehension and being realistic about the many LIFE factors that lead any of us to not be able to be able to make it ‘on time’.  

Does it make sense to imply that ‘someone is a person of integrity, self-respect, honor, responsibility, commitment, dedication, reliability and trustworthiness based on how punctual they are?’ No.

Does it make sense to ‘automatically imply that someone that is usually late or not arriving at all to certain meetings as someone that is unreliable, irresponsible, dishonest, lazy, careless, disrespectful, neglectful and inconsiderate towards others?’ No.

Someone can be always on time and be a person that is not genuinely living the best of themselves and vice versa, it can be a person that simply hasn’t aligned themselves to a proper scheduling method or hasn’t aligned the relationship to time, traveling or simply showing up to meetings at a certain time and hasn’t found a way to calculate the time it takes to get somewhere… or simply doesn’t truly care about ‘time’ either, and that should also be ‘fine’ on my side, because it may be a part of a certain person’s way of being.

There’s many factors to consider also based on the nature of the meetings – casual or too official/important that are time sensitive for various reasons – but ultimately, if the thing gets done and someone’s life doesn’t depend on it, then, I should be much more considerate of the many aspects that can cause delays or someone arriving later than expected, or something starting later than usual.

Of course this is also a self-honesty point, where if someone becomes unreliable based on repeated events where they don’t arrive on time or don’t show up at all, sure then the person might end up causing certain consequences as a result of that, and it’s ok as well, because how else do we get to see what we are doing if we don’t receive others’ feedback upon repeated moments of not being on time or not showing up to something that we had agreed to be a part of? It can cause one to be dismissed of a job or no longer being contacted or invited to be part of certain meetings, jobs, responsibilities, etc. or to be replaced by people that are more reliable in the context of time and being present. It really depends on what one is arriving ‘late’ to and also taking each case separately to understand what gets on the way to ‘getting there on time’ in our lives.

I realize I do hold high standards on this aspect and I am aware how I cause myself bitterness and tension when things don’t happen at the ‘expected time,’ and so because I see that this is something that is totally and absolutely in my hands to change, I have to be the one that creates an understanding within me of the many reasons why something could not start at the expected time and why people were late or delayed.

I also have to stop taking it as if it had something to do ‘with me’ personally or that could ‘affect me’ if I am not the one that is being late or not showing up… I consider that most of the times – if not all of the times – arriving late is not a deliberate thing. Or who knows, it may! But it should not matter either unless it causes problems or negative consequences if it becomes a repetitive pattern.

I also realize that my rigidity causes inner conflict – and therefore inner harm – more than an outer or reality conflict, because I can see how things simply end up unfolding as expected. Therefore I have to stop associating ‘being on time’ and punctuality as an invariable outflow of certain ‘honorable’ qualities in human beings, it might be so in some cases, not in others – but the only way to measure that is to learn to see people as a whole, not directly ‘label’ someone based on them being punctual or not.

In some cases I see I can extend a hand to share how I relate to time and how I prepare to get ‘on time’ to certain things and do so with others that I see are having a troublesome relationship with being on time or have problems with getting to plan things in a way that they don’t forget to do it. However, I have to make sure I have a clear starting point and not doing so with a ‘hidden agenda’ attempt of having others do things ‘my way’ – but simply share ways, examples, give suggestions while being aware that ultimately that’s as much as I can do –  it is then up to each one to do it or not.

At times it simply is a matter of having reality play out and if the pattern repeats, then to see how to best address it by first cross-referencing with others to ensure I am not merely pointing things out based on a tunnel-vision idea I have of what ‘the problem’ is and, if sufficient people agree about seeing certain patterns or behaviors that are related to not being on time and becoming unreliable to ‘show up’ to certain events or meetings, then, further actions can be taken on, like assisting the person to become aware of the pattern and seeing what it causes, creating some sort of ‘penalty fees’ to ‘get the message’ if the point is already a repeated pattern – or if the case is extreme, to simply replace the person or people involved that may be more responsible in attending certain responsibility.  I might be going way too ‘out there’ in planning out potential outflows, but, this is part of how I function in also practicing what I would ‘do’ in certain possible situations.

Intervening in others’ lives is not something I should aim at doing either, it should really be a last-resort type of thing and the ideal way would be to suggest them to ask for support if they recognize in themselves that they are having a hard time with commitment. That takes some deeper self-honest look and it might not be ‘the norm’ but, at times, consequences hit home and that’s when we wake up to see that we are doing something that is not leading to a beneficial outcome and needs to be changed, because it affects others.

So, for now this will be a test for me, to actually decide to breathe until I am settled again, no longer tensing my body and letting go of all the ‘worst of the worst’ associations to others or even a general situation not happening ‘on time’ or ‘as expected’ and realizing that reality happens, there’s a myriad reasons why something could not happen ‘as expected.’ This recently happened with a birthday meeting and I was rushing a lot to be on time and we got to realize that the meeting was almost ‘half an hour’ later and they usually tell people that it’s earlier because ‘no one arrives on time.’ This is a form of ‘known’ fact, a cultural thing of sorts where ‘no one usually arrives on time’ and so they invite people earlier than the actual start time, for them to actually ‘be on time.’ So, lol, this is then just part of those things I have to also take into consideration for meetings in general.

And in this, I also require to stop generating a sense of self-pride for ‘being right on time’ and feeling good about it. I can redefine it as a practical measure, see it for what it is: being on time enables things to take place as agreed, but I can also create space and a leeway for flexibility when it comes to being on time myself.

I could see it as well when I was late which was not even because I was genuinely out of my schedule, but simply because of not measuring the amount of time it would take me to get from point A. to point B. And I saw how inconsiderate I can be when being very ‘locked in’ within the idea of ‘always being on time’ which was completely reflecting myself back to myself in seeing how others reacted to me ‘not being on time’. In short, I got a scoop of my own chocolate as the saying goes here, and seeing how much one can be ‘short sighted’ to not consider reality play outs and the outflow of situations that can change the course of things, even if having previously ‘planned it.’

So as with everything, there’s a balancing point. At times it takes the consideration of letting others know something like ‘hey I will be arriving later than expected’ I always appreciate that, but what has happened at times is that I get so hooked on the idea that ‘I can make it! I can arrive on time!’ that I end up not sending such notices and it causes more misunderstandings if I don’t communicate that I am arriving later or the reason why I haven’t arrived somewhere, or why I won’t be able to make it at all.

Another point is to consider other aspects like lack of communication. I’ve gotten so used to being able to communicate with my phone, but who knows if one day I have no battery, no internet, no credit to send out any message or ‘left it at home’… then I would have to also consider that this could happen to others and not freak out about it, lol.

There’s also the potential of ‘getting lost’ in arriving somewhere, or arriving ‘on time’ but to the wrong spot, or ‘at the wrong time’ like one hour earlier or later. These are all real life situations that have happened and I rather decide to laugh about it, I totally appreciate seeing how others take these situations with laughter and taking it easy – whereas in me the tendency is to tense up and ‘just boil!’ lol –I really, really need to learn from them and chill out with these ‘being on time’ events.

And of course if someone that I am directly responsible for or directly co-working with is presenting such patterns in a repeated manner, I then have more of a say in being able to call the point out and perhaps even assisting the other person to remember certain things. I have no problem with that if I see that to me planning and being on time is more of a natural ‘trait’ so to speak, while also not making others dependent on me to organize their lives… or perhaps it can be a job position and I would have no problem in doing so! But even then, it’s even cooler when such job becomes more of an example of how things can get done and the other person can learn for themselves how to get to do things or be on time.

There’s many other aspects I could list here, but I just have to be aware and considerate of my relationship to this point in my life.  

I also appreciate feedback on this one considering how ingrained such aspect of ‘being on time’ and defining myself as ‘a punctual person’ and even taking pride on it as a positive experience, which has led me to associate the opposite polarity to anything or anyone that I label as ‘not being on time’ or lacking punctuality. This stops here and I have to live now my new relationship to ‘being on time’ in meetings.

Ultimately it is about myself getting over the judgment of having things and people start late, be late in general and at the same time not being so hard on myself If I also don’t make it to on time and immediately associating ‘being late’ with ‘the worst of the worst’ for doing so, because now I understand: that’s all in my head, those are all my associations, not others’. If I have a genuine problem then, I have to seek out support to get somewhere or do something if it is a ‘sensitive’ situation. That’s about as far as I can see for now.

And even with all of this, I am sure there will be times where the most unexpected thing can cause a delay in something or in someone’s path to arrive or be somewhere. And that is OK, I need to learn how to flow with the flow of life instead of being entrenched in an ‘ideal’ of ‘how things should be’ and be OK if things are out of my control as well, reminding myself I can only support me and handle my situation or the situation according to the context and timing it is.

Ok that’s it, thanks for reading and any feedback that is aimed at expanding perspectives on solutions or ways of approaching these situations is welcomed J

And! To get to listen to those Eqafe audios I suggested above and many more, sign up for  Eqafe Unlimited where you will get access to thousands of recordings that will improve your life if you live out the suggestions to sort out almost every aspect of our daily lives 🙂

Thanks for reading!

 

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty


631. Notes on Compromise

 

Compromise:     the expedient acceptance of standards that are lower than is desirable.

Living compromise in my case has been existent mostly in the consideration of the relationships that I allowed myself to form in the past. Within the starting point of taking it back to self – and so not focusing on the others related to me this way – I realized how this allowance of something ‘less’ than what I could actually create for me and for the best have to do with a sense of self-deprecation and even ‘worthlessness’ that existed in me, wherein any form of relationships would reflect back what I was accepting and allowing with me. So they all were there in my life in accordance to ‘where I was’ in my life and as such, there is nothing to regret about because I’ve come to understand the process that I took in order to realize what I am seeing now.

We had a group chat on Friday where the point of pleasing people opened up. I couldn’t relate at first to pleasing per se, but I did recognize it in relation to how I would do things, shape myself in accordance to what I thought was more liked by others within a relationship. There were a few wherein I didn’t do it, but then compromise would show in other ways such as deciding to be with people that I thought I could eventually change and assist them in getting to some kind of ‘ideal’ expression or living potential – it never happened because of course, my starting point was focused on ‘them’ and not on being the best for myself, of doing and being those aspects I was seeking to change in others – it is common sense that if you are living the best of you, by default you won’t allow anything less than what you are living in terms of choosing who to share your life with.

I am focusing here on relationships because it is that one point we total choose to be in – well, at least it’s how it goes in most part of the world. So here I’m not talking about the necessary compromise that exists in other aspects of life like jobs and ways to make money to survive in this world, it’s merely about how we relate to others in relationships.

The reality is that when one starts living more of one’s truth, everything that doesn’t ‘fit the compromise shoe’ starts sticking out like a rotten fruit that needs to go – or rots the rest of the fruit. It becomes uncomfortable not because it represents a healthy challenge or an out of the comfort zone point of support, but because one realizes it is becoming a suppressing situation, one where there’s more of a ‘relationship management,’ going on, there’s more ‘lacks’ emerging, ‘longings’ and ‘ideas of how things can be’ and more things that ‘subtly bother me but I let it go by because, who knows? Maybe it changes later!’ or those moments where there’s this ‘slight’ seemingly subtle ‘sinking’ whenever one knows that one is not living one’s full expression in order to fit some kind of shoe we believe we ‘must be in’ to be liked or be okay with someone else in a relationship. Or even to ‘be in a relationship’ in itself, while it’s actually totally fine and ok if one genuinely decides to be alone and step out of the belief that ‘one needs to be in a relationship.’

Sometimes this pattern of conditioning and compromise goes well accepted in our society, simply because we believe we ‘can’t do any better’ or we just have to ‘suck the pain in’ and hope for better times. It has been baffling to me to get to know stories of how far women – and yes also males but mostly females in fact – stay in abusive relationships because of believing that they ‘love’ the other person or that without a man they are nothing, or for financial reasons and many kids in line, they have to stick to relationships that are very toxic. I haven’t been in such extreme situations, but I have been in relationships where I know that I am not living the totality of myself, that I am somehow trying to fit a shoe that doesn’t support me in fact – yet I still have put it on while secretly questioning my decision, and being in constant over analyzing of the situation and desiring for certain changes that I then go into hope and expectancy that ‘the other’ person eventually gets to in their lives and so consequently, in the relationship.

 

How I see it currently is that the creation of a relationship that is supportive comes along with ‘where we currently are’ within our lives, comes along with the kind of principles – or lack thereof – we are living in our lives. In essence, the ‘who we are’ is then going to reflect the kind of people we choose to be with. Many of us have gone into relationships out of need, out of wanting to ‘fulfill’ some aspect or some ‘existential void’ with a relationship and that is simply  meant to fail, because one is not entering a relationship as a fulfilled being, but seeking the comfort and dare I say ‘fulfillment’ in another. Well, I’ve been there myself a few times in the past and it’s a recipe for disaster.

There have been other times where I believed I was quite fulfilled within me and didn’t need to be with someone to represent that ‘fulfillment’ for me, but I still allowed myself to be in situations where something inside me knew things could be better, and not in the sense of ‘without conflict at all’ or being ‘better’ in an idealized way, but more in the sense that there is this untapped potential within me that I could in fact develop with someone that could be ‘ready’ for that. So, this is where the point of letting go of compromise comes as an understanding really. It is not about dismissing situations for seeing them as ‘less than’ but perhaps as being in different stages in life where personal development can be either diminished and suppressed or catalyzed in certain relationships or living decisions.

This is also where it enables me to see that if I live what’s best for me, it in fact becomes best for all. I’ve seen how in accepting and allowing compromise in me, it invariably affects the other person and everyone else that could be affected by it, because I’m not living my truth, the potential of who I can be and that becomes a series of diminishing steps that don’t support life in fact.

In terms of relationships, it’s about wanting the best for everyone involved. If a relationship is clearly not supporting someone, if it becomes something that is more about ‘managing’ one or the other, or about seeing ‘what the emotional experience is in the other’ or fearing certain attitudes in one another, or being over-vigilant about what the other one might be thinking, or how things are not working, or how things don’t seem right, or how I ‘should be in order to keep him/her happy’ then what do we know? We are compromising ourselves, we are not living our truth. It’s also about self-honesty and asking these questions not within the starting point of leaving ‘all the work’ to the other, but being honest about doing what it takes to make something work as with everything else.

I can say I have had compromised in every single relationship in the past. I have only now discovered and come to understand what it is to actually live me, be me with all my ups and downs, my qualities and my defects and not have anything to hide towards another, because that’s how I live my truth and now I know there’s people that’s up for taking that in, yes, that ‘intensity’ that I can be in my openness and not having any qualms about things, and how demanding I can also get to be – which yes I know I need to work on, but still, cool to know someone can understand such demanding nature as well. I enjoy the support that I can get from another that has a similar personal stance with his own life so that we don’t take bs from each other lol, it makes things fun and supportive in fact, because we don’t take things so seriously yet we point them out, because we know that our willingness to transcend the momentary bs is far greater than remaining ‘stuck’ in it or in an ‘experience.’

But I realize that as ‘easy’ as it might sound, it isn’t. It’s not like I got lucky only. Everything was a series of decisions that I took to get to where I am within myself to then decide to be with someone that supports the best in me, because this implies I am first doing and being and living that best for me. And also, it is not ‘honey over chips’ in a relationship where no compromise exists in such terms – of course there IS compromise, but it’s things that simply come with the living together of two individuals and what one is willing to live with – but to me the aspects that are relevant in relation to personal integrity, living habits and expression, are a supportive platform for me to live on currently.

It is only now that I can look back and see to what extent I ‘went’ to be liked, appreciated, to ‘fit in’ according to what I believe would make the relationship work, what I was willing to do in order to ‘make things work’ etc. The list goes on and the details are not even relevant because it is about the action, this ‘lesser of me’ being accepted where I know I ‘chip off’ a bit of myself and in that, it becomes a point of compromise.

Who knows if I am speaking from a place where I can still be living compromise and not be aware of it? But as I said before, I will eventually know as I continue deconstructing this personality system within me and continue focusing on self-development and self-creation. For now this is my current stance and I found it relevant to share about it because perhaps someone is going through similar experiences, having thoughts like ‘this is as as good as it gets’ when it comes to relationships, but I am now aware that you can indeed be with someone that is there ‘walking with’ side by side with you, instead of feeling like one or the other has to ‘drag’ the other to get to the top of the mountain. I did that in the past, but can’t also judge me for my choices because as I said, they reflect who I was at the time and that’s how I can now simply look back and forgive myself for it, because I know it is entirely ‘who I was’ in relation to ‘relationships’ at the time.

For now, I see that there is a foundation built for me to be the best of myself and a relationship can’t be ‘it’ for anyone. It is a companionship, but the rest is entirely up to me. Before I would take the relationship in itself as ‘the project’ to focus on, and it doesn’t have to be that way, that I don’t have to accept compromise, to have that ‘sinking’ feeling when being with someone, to fear losing someone, to fear not ‘being the best’ with another or to be in all kinds of fears and paranoia of ‘where they are at’ in their minds and lives, or expecting others to change. It then becomes another burden or ‘point to work through’ rather than being a platform of self-support and self-development.  It becomes much easier to be with someone that has a similar standing in life, because then the focus is on the mutual support to learn from each other, live and grow – not on managing ever present emotions or subtle experiences and frictions… Now I see how it feels to be living in compromise, and perhaps one can only realize one is living compromise when you step out of it and look back to realize how such compromise existed. At the same time I’m learning to focus on the present, on what’s here, on what I can be grateful for creating for me in my life and choosing essentially that which is supportive for my being.

It is ok to realize that not everyone can simply ‘bond’ with someone else based on preferences or similar mindset. Now I realize that perhaps it is the seemingly opposite worlds that complement themselves the most, because it’s not about having similar preferences, but principles, not similar personalities but similar disposition to learn and change in order to make something work like it is within a relationship. It is another kind of compromise, with ‘concessions’ where acceptances and allowances are made on both sides, in aspects that do not affect the main principles in which a relationship is built on, but adjustments that are meant to be there based on living with another person and embracing them as part of your life.

It takes two to tango, can’t expect things to work if only one is having the disposition… or perhaps it can, it really depends on what each person is willing to live with – accept and allow – I now know what is possible and what I see works best for me. This is what self honesty is, this is where I can’t make rules of this, because this is my current truth and stance – who knows? It can change in time, but for now I check within me and I’m clear, I have nothing holding me back in relation to the place where I’m at in terms of my life within a relationship – it’s the other way around for me at the moment, learning a lot each other, it is as if I at last I have the opportunity to be supported by another in a genuine way, instead of placing me on the supporter role only. Perhaps this is also a perception, but! I also have to be less apologetic in the sense of not wanting to sound ‘too dismissive’ – it is what it is really – and if it is best for me and others, I am sure this is what we all want for each other person, to be able to live their truth and be the best they can be no matter how or with whom. So this is also a cool note about compromise, where we believe that we are doing something ‘good’ for another by sticking with them even if that implies not being the best for ourselves…. Wrong… that invariably leads to their compromise as well one way or another, so best for all means, not accepting any lesser that what is possible for each one at any given moment in life.

 

There are a bunch of other things where I know I am compromising myself as in not living the best of myself and that’s where instead of focusing on ‘the lack’ I will be focusing on how to create, otherwise it again becomes a point to ‘fulfill’ through something/someone in separation of me.

 

Ok thanks for reading Sonrisa 

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty

 

 


622. Update on Self-Honesty

 

Recently I’ve had two different situations that got me to a better understanding of self-honesty even though I’ve been integrating this concept for ten years now – it definitely changes as one goes walking life in trial and error mode, which is a constant point to consider in life as well and not have any judgment about it! Quite relevant too.

This opened up in relation to the audios related to Memories on Eqafe.com* and other ones that relate more to Self-Honesty** – and even though the main topic is not about what I will share here – it assisted greatly to see how I had been judging someone’s self honesty as good or bad and with that, my ‘usual’ approach to it is to try and ‘fix them’ which in my mind, sounded great! A ‘good thing’ to do, but that’s the problem!

See, I’ve justified intervening too much on someone’s path and process to the point where the hidden agenda is just trying to make them ‘fit’ my ideal version of them that I have created in my own mind (!) which has little to do with the reality and totality of who a person is and their own self-honesty – their pace to walk things, their nature, their pros and cons, their strengths and weaknesses –  as something that needs to be gotten to be known, understood, respected, considered and honored because that’s what this process is about: realizing and understanding our individuality and deciding who we are in relation to each other within that awareness.

This opened up further as I commented on what I learned about those recordings with my partner and that was an enjoyable conversation where I got to consider and look back at my life, the various situations where I have considered myself ‘failing’ – such as in relationships for the most part’ – and based on what my partner shared as well, I got to see and realize what it means to embrace someone’s self-honesty and how much I have been wanting to control, manipulate and justify my desire to ‘change’ people even at a thought level of intent, in order to ‘suit me’ and ‘my ideal’ I have created about them.

This I’ve done especially within the context of partners in personal relationships and how upon discussing the various patterns I found in relation to my past relationships, he assisted me to look at the ‘repeated mistake’ so to speak that I ‘fell for’ every single time – and as much as I might not be seeing ‘the full picture’ now just yet – I did discover that a part of me would simply sugar coat and focus on all the good, all the potentials that I ‘saw’ in a person that I would decide to walk with in a relationship, which made me simply obfuscate, cringe at, brush aside, suppress any reactions to seeing the reality and totality of them in who they are – their ‘negative aspects’ or dare I say the totality of who they are in themselves – which of course Had to happen! Because none of us are perfect human beings, nor will we be to anyone else’s eyes (because each one has their own ‘ideals’ of perfection or what’s the best another can be and so forth, which is a point each one of us can look at because it is extremely limiting) and I had sort of built a trap every single time because of deciding to ‘make things work’ with men I decided to be in a relationship with and focusing on all the ‘good’ and ‘positive’ things I would see in them, and in a way believe that the rest of all that I defined as weaknesses, flaws, ‘problematic behaviors,’ would be ‘sorted out by themselves’ and that ‘I could live with it’, that it would ‘not matter…’

But reality has now shown me that I simply had the wrong starting point every single time which led to the inevitable end by creating a form of disenchantment ‘projected’ – dare I say Imposed – onto them based on the ideal that I had created as the ‘expected’ living potential that I imagined they could be 24/7, and in that simply not living with the reality of them, the facts of the matter which is: we all have our pros and cons and there’s no person that can be ONLY looked through the eyes of ‘all things good and benevolent’ at all. This is the self-deception point that I thought I was considering in my head, but it wasn’t a grounded consideration in terms of Living and applying that realization practically, but it was only an acceptance and allowance at a knowledge level which ended up mostly with me living in denial and saying to myself saying ‘yeah I can handle it’ but reality then would show: nope, you really don’t want to and didn’t consider all things and the reality of the matter in fact.

This leads to compromise and the points I’ve had to look at is why I was willing to compromise myself in order to ‘make something work out’ and then there is a fine balance between working with my own reactions and testing out living with a certain reality, or when living with a certain type of person is simply not part of what I am willing to live with, even if I work through my reactions, judgments etc. And that’s what my self-honesty is, not ‘good’ not ‘bad’ it just is where I am at the moment in my life.

What does that mean? At times I would set myself to be with people I defined to be ‘very challenging’, having particular issues within themselves that I thought I could assist them in figuring them out, so that the potential that I ‘saw’ in them would simply ‘reign’ over all the ‘negative’ stuff so to speak, and they would simply decide to ‘better themselves’ because of the relationship because of ‘being with me’ lol which is conditional and foolish too – which is absolutely compromising and conditional as well when it comes to asking someone ‘to change’ in order to be in a relationship…that’s just a recipe for codependence and disaster. But! I wasn’t aware of how I was standing in that position when I did this kind of calculations and not realizing the kind of disservice I was doing to someone else’s path and process in life, when wanting to – according to me-  save them, help them, wanting to ‘achieve’ what I ‘thought’ was best for them… but in that not considering at all who they really are, what their actual intent on themselves and their own life is – sometimes not being anywhere around nearby or even looking at what I was looking – so in other words, I was imposing ‘my expectations’ on them and not considering the facts of who they are, in fact.

I can cringe at the memory of all of this and doing it over and over and over again in relationships, making it ‘ok’ for me to ‘gloss over’ all of those things that I wasn’t genuinely willing to live with – embrace – in another, and simply ‘kept focusing’ on all the ‘good things,’ resulting in creating a polarized way of looking, understanding and perceiving another human being, which is not supportive, not respectful and not honoring myself and them as individuals that in no way are perfect or completely ‘good’ or ‘completely bad’ for that matter.

Morality is usually the trap in this, and as much as I thought I wasn’t acting based on good vs bad assessments, I in fact was, because I got stuck in wanting to have another human being ‘fit my idea of an ideal partner’ and even if I thought I was embracing their struggles, points that are tough to change or that they are not willing to change, I wasn’t entirely considering what it would mean to live with them in the totality of who they are, because I kept ‘hope’ as a major obstacle in this: hoping They would change, instead of focusing on me and what I would have to work with in order to embrace someone else, or make a very factual decision of not being willing to live with that.

I have discussed this before in relation to helping and hope, but the ‘new’ I bring forth here is a second step to this realization, which is how I was essentially repeating the same type of approach in my current relationship, and it is only through sharing my ‘history’ behind this that I could get a grounded understanding on how it all starts with something ‘as simple as’ focusing only on the good, the positive, the agreeable aspects that I see in a partner or potential partner and ONLY focusing on that.

This practically means that in reality, I would still judge, react or suppress my thoughts and experiences when witnessing something that I would dislike about ‘them’ and cover this up with a compensation-thought (justification and reasoning) such as: ‘but they are very good at this/that and they have this/that type of beneficial aspect’ so in way, it was like turning a blind eye to it, not wanting to see it, understand it, admit it or embrace it as part of someone’s nature and self-honesty. I instead built a cocoon around them based on how I wanted to see them and stick to that view, which is what, yes, we as humans mostly do when deciding to engage with someone in a partnership relationship, that’s the infamous saying of ‘seeing someone through the eyes of love’ but! I wasn’t aware I was doing this… until fairly recently lol.

I made a recording called ‘Changing my relationship to memories’ about this explaining how this opened up with my partner – if you want to listen to it – and the examples he gave me, but I realized how much he had been very explicit in disclosing his major ‘defects’ from the very beginning and how he defines himself as being 55% ‘dishonest’ in that sense and disclosing all of the ways in which according to him, defines him as a person that has been living not in truth but in dishonesty and having to lie and cheat in order to make a living at times, in order to have a certain position in his life etc. and how he has managed to change his view on life and therefore towards others to embrace more of his dishonesties and ‘garbage’ as he calls it in order to stop feeling so negative and gloomy about life, which led him to become more authentic in that he is not afraid to admit his ‘garbage’ as he calls it and admit that ‘that’s who he is’ for now and the reasons why he is and how he is not planning to change those aspects for practical reasons in his life at the moment.

When he disclosed this, there was an immediate reaction of wanting to convince him that ‘he has to change those aspects now!’ or ‘that I would not want to be with someone that admits to being 55% garbage and not do anything about it!’ lol, I didn’t go into this kind of inner conflict in an overwhelming manner, but the thoughts that came up were in the nature of ‘I gotta do something to change his view about this’ – yet again! – but the discussion precisely became that of realizing that I precisely Have to Stop trying to manipulate, control and change him and others, for real!

I realized how I had felt always entitled to ‘ask’ this to people based on the situation of being in a partnership and how I felt entitled to demand some form of change in order to ‘stay in the relationship,’ instead of actually deciding to Embrace a person as they are – with their 55% percent of garbage or more, because that’s their self-honesty – and being willing to live with the 100% of who they are because of deciding that the principles they stand on and their personal purpose in life is something that I can live with, without judging, cringing at or secretly wanting them to change aspects that I see as ‘part of the 55% garbage.’

That conversation was sort of life changing for me, because from that moment on, even if he had been quite directive about all the times when I was imposing myself onto him, trying to control him and at times wanting to decide ‘what’s best for him,’ – and me being grateful for the feedback – it would only become that in me, he didn’t even cringe at the fact that I wasn’t changing my approach just ‘realizing’ what I was doing at a thought level but still justifying my imposition towards him.  

So from that moment on, I’ve been able to more effectively stop my immediate reactions and responses to things he shares where I would literally behave like a mother that wants their child to ‘behave properly’ and ‘not be a bad person’ type of thing, which means, I would always come up with something that would impose, sometimes demand that such way of looking at things or people needed to be changed because! It didn’t ‘fit’ MY view or values on things, and in this not realizing I was imposing my own self-honesty onto him and others, making this recrimination look ‘good’ in my own eyes, perceiving I was doing a ‘good thing’ in externalizing this view and never questioning how and what it is to truly get to embrace and understand someone’s self-honesty, which means: I don’t need to change it, I don’t need to judge it, I can only work on my own reactions towards it, I need to focus on looking back at what I see I would like ‘someone else’ to change and do that within myself. Then, it becomes a practical assessment of whether I am willing to walk with or be related to someone based on that ‘totality’ of who they are, instead of seeing through a filter of ‘goodness and benevolence’ that leads to suppressing, judging, cringing at things that eventually become memories of things that I realized I wasn’t willing to live with/cope with or embrace in another as a life partner. And this is something that is also a very personal point of self-honesty, which means some people will be perfectly fine with embracing someone’s way of being in its totality, some others won’t – and that’s fine.

The same applies towards me. I realized how much I would put pressure on him on many aspects and it doesn’t create an emotional reaction in him, but simply him pointing out to me that  very ingrained nature in me which is that of being a controller and manipulator in essence to have people in my life that I can shape, mold and turn them into what I believe is ‘the best version of themselves,’ but this is not considering the individuality of the other person, at all really. So, yep! I had understood my control-freakism and this stubborn nature at a knowledge level, it’s been merely an understanding or realization.

The point now is to live the actions that lead to a correction of this on a daily basis, and I got a cool match in this case because when living with someone that is not afraid to expose the ‘nasty’ aspects of his relationship with others and how he views things and is definitely tough-headed when it comes to how he likes to be and do things, it creates a more open and continuous challenge for me to not go into judgments, reactions or wanting to immediately ‘create a solution’ for them to change… this is then about me learning to understand, embrace and work with my own reactions towards all of those seemingly ‘bad’ aspects about another – but in fact, this is about learning to not see myself and others through the morality-filter of good or bad any longer, but as parts, aspects of another that are themselves as well, that I can give feedback on or share how I view things in my own life and how I deal with them Without! A secret agenda behind it, hoping that they would listen to my words and change their ways based on my feedback.

No, this is about me for real this time learning to stop reacting, stop wanting to immediately ‘sort someone out’ because I have also begun to understand how MY self-honesty is mine and mine alone, cannot be imposed onto anything or anyone else, that’s my process and I can only share how I walk things, how I approach things, what I decide to live with and what I decide I don’t want to live with. Not about judging, making more or less of something or someone, but about a simple assessment of asking myself ‘what am I willing to live with?’ and assessing my stance in relation to it all.

In the end, based on my various past experiences, If I lie and deceive myself and others, the truth eventually comes out and it will be invariably consequential if I allow myself to not be ‘ok’ with certain things in relationship to another and not voice them out or be frank and honest with myself to realize ‘Ok, I can’t live with this in fact’ and stop hoping that it would eventually change.

I consider that this opened up a cool phase in my relationship now, because we are both fully aware of the point I have to work with and it tests me to not always be having to give some kind of judgment of ‘this is good, this is bad’ and framing a person into a positive or negative light, but simply be willing to understand, get to know someone in the totality of who they are and why not, learning and appreciate them as well. In my case I am grateful for the fact that there is an openness to share things that maybe most people – including myself-  would tend to hide and keep secret about ourselves and how we view life, people, situations. So this was also another lesson for me to be OK with sharing, saying the things that I am still aiming to work on and change, and not try and ‘stick to the positive side’ only, or always have ‘the right word to say’ because that also becomes a lockdown to not look at, accept and embrace the things I would usually hide or judge as just ‘plain negative’ and go into a form of denial about myself, which is the same as hiding from a truth that is also me and that I have to look at and work on.

In essence, this is about embracing my own mind as well, as much as I’ve discussed the embracing of someone else, it is about learning to do that for me first n my own life, and seeing that the world won’t fall apart if I start being more open to myself about my true nature, the one that I have kept secret or that I’ve wanted to hide because of wanting to be seen in a positive light. So see how limiting and caging those are? Lol, I’ve known about the dangers of polarizing stuff for a decade, but only now do I ‘get it’ as in really get to see and understand how I was doing that on a daily basis and even more so towards people that I was directly feeling entitled to be more intimate with, such as with partners in relationships.

Having this kind of conversation was quite liberating, it assisted me to understand a bunch of other things in relation to memories and how I was polarizing certain phases and people in my life to fit my own personal agenda, to create a ‘nice story’ about myself where I am the good one and others turn out to be the ‘bad ones,’ definitely not a way to hold anyone’s life captive in memories of good and bad morality judgments. This is about learning to live, embrace, get to know, appreciate and recognize others for who they are, without any further intent other than support, and that doesn’t mean: ‘I want to change them!’ but support them in whichever realizations or points of change they get to – or don’t get to. That’s where I can always decide what and who I share my life with, and this is quite empowering, to say the least.

Ok that’s the story, thanks for reading and definitely check out those Eqafe recordings, because they are very useful and life changing:

On Memories:

On Self-Honesty:

 

Self and Living videos about this as well – even if title doesn’t show at first hand – give them a go and watch them:

 

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty 


607. Understanding Individual Self-Honesty

 

There is a relevant thing that I got to recently finally understand about how there’s this tendency in me that has become ‘so much me’ that I don’t actually notice unless there’s immediate feedback for me to look at it, and this is not an entirely ‘new’ thing for me but it led me to understand some self-honesty 101 basics – again! lol.

 

So! The point is when I want others to live and do things ‘my way’ as ‘the best way’ when it comes to approaching a particular experience, pattern or reaction, and I use sentences like ‘If I were you I would be doing this & that’ or ‘what I have done in such situations is this/that so, you can consider doing it as well’ where I don’t really see how even if words may not sound ‘malicious’ as such, this is where I have to apply self-honesty and observe myself in terms of ‘who am I’ in those words I am saying, what is the background physical experience, what are the desired outcomes of it?

 

What I did notice is that as there was building pressure as a reaction within me coming from a desire to get things ‘worked through’ the way that I wanted so that I could obtain a desired outcome through another ‘doing something the way I see would be best’ in terms of processing a point/pattern. And it is cool because this kind of ‘building pressure’ about something is not an ‘invisible experience’ to me and I can barely communicate or function properly if I have any subtle reaction that I am not directing.

 

So, I am grateful that there was communication around this point so that I could realize how I had changed my voice tonality and how I was imposing myself in order to get things done ‘my way’ yet coming through as a form of support. Now this is why it becomes tricky to look at it as something to keep an eye on for people like me that tend to be a bit too focused on controlling others or expecting others to do things the same way I do them or deal with them, yet at the same time I have to be very clear on seeing whether I am expecting, wanting or needing a particular outcome which becomes this ‘nagging’ force behind my words and expression, and that’s the point that I had to walk through in writing for myself, where I had to ask myself what was my self-interest point in that situation? What was I expecting? What was I desiring? What did I have to let go of and in doing so, genuinely understand and embrace another person in the totality of who they are and how they walk their own living process? Which was quite revealing and settling for myself to do.

 

However the bottom line here is how I got to remind myself how many times I want thing to be done in a specific way, having certain expectations of how things can be ‘worked through’ and believe that if ‘this’ works for me, then it ‘should work for you too’ – when the reality of the situation is that in that, I am making of my process, my own understanding and self-honesty a formula that I am trying to impose onto others and in that, forgetting about each individual’s unique process, awareness and development of their own solutions in life based on each one’s particular and unique living experience. That’s that! I am seeing how more and more comparison and judgment are one of the main ways in which I tend to become very absolutist, extremist and forget about truly seeing, understanding and embracing others in who they are/as they are/what they are.

 

What I see then is that I require to learn to not immediately go into the ‘do as I did’ mentality or ‘do as I have proven to myself something works’ because there are no real formulas in learning to walk through our minds and living our lives, no matter how similar each one of us might be, we cannot ever really copy and paste solutions with one another, nor expect similar results at all. This also comes as a relevant detail to share here considering that many of us walking the Desteni Process share our realizations, our practical solutions – yet, they are all but references, paths, ways, methods that may or may not assist others, yet in sharing them it is simply realizing that each individual has a particular way to get from point A to point B in self-change, and the variety of ways and methods will most likely be as many as individuals walking their living process, and that’s what’s also cool about learning from each other, referencing writings and solutions, so that we can then ultimately come up with our own ways and methods and grow the network of supportive words to create solutions in our lives, which are very much needed.

 

I also realized how I have to be patient, flexible and understanding of how other people walk through their own points and in that, understand what it means to be supportive without imposing myself/my ways/ my methods. If anything I can only share how I have walked similar points, but in that, I have to also make sure that my sharing is not coming from a desire of another person ‘taking it on’ and following it to the T and get the same result… nope, that’s not how life works.

What this opened up is how there have been times where I had made of my own application of self-honesty almost a religion, a one way or the highway look at life and walking through our challenges, patterns or limitations ‘as they come’ and ‘in the moment’ or ‘right now’ which sure, some people can do, but not everyone has to, not everyone is at that space and moment in their lives to do so either.

Therefore I had to ask myself, what is the rush to push something onto someone this way? The answer is a desire for a person to realize certain things, potentials and obviously have to check what kind of self-interest or personal benefit would I get from such ‘instant application’ – or what am I fearing in case it’s not ‘happening’? So that I can be clear and devoid of expectations or hidden agendas.

I also have to consider that whenever I push any realization or suggestion of ‘what to do’ onto anyone, I can also be preventing them from being their own drive and decision to move, change or align certain aspect in their lives –  I realize that it comes through as a push that can prevent the other person from realizing it themselves, and rather understanding that there’s a pace, a space and time for each person to decide how they want to walk their process and their life, I cannot really force or rush anything as such.

From this I realize I can bring things to someone’s awareness, so as to prevent further misunderstandings or an unnecessary escalation of assumptions leading to conflicts, which is why communication is so relevant at all times when even the most ‘subtle’ movements come up within oneself in relation to another person.  So, I definitely have to keep on practicing my understanding and consideration towards others, to be patient and generally ‘slow down’ when it comes to wanting to ‘process something’ and ‘get it done/out of the way’ in a rushed manner, which is more of an approach that comes from a lack of understanding of how life takes place, which is moment by moment… can’t really rush anything and no matter how much one can write about the point or matter in the moment, there will still be a process that unfolds in real time – space and time – to actually live the changes, so, I definitely have to chill with this ‘rush’ to get things done asap.

If I look at it from my personal perspective, I would also feel pressured if someone came to tell me what to do and how to walk through a point, and it is quite interesting that I had not seen that within myself as something I would not want for myself, yet it was disguised as an idea of support where I wasn’t in fact considering other people and their ways, methods and relationship with themselves in my usual ‘push’ to ‘process’ certain things, so that’s where self-honesty and this process, as much as there are common principles and tools, suggested ways and methods, there’s ultimately no cookie-cutter solution that fits-all the same way, and that’s why the principles stand the same, yet the ways and methods are as varied and unique as there are human beings walking it.

What I learn from this is being considerate, understanding and flexible in taking another’s process into consideration, to not fully go ahead of myself and themselves in trying to assist in ways that become an imposition and ultimately a limitation for the process of SELF Realization: it’s personal, it’s individual, it’s unique and cannot be forced or directed by anyone else but oneself. Yep! Seems tautological but! I seem to forget about it, therefore writing it down is the way to integrate these realizations as well.

In that, I take it back to self, being able to trust myself in walking my own points, sharing how I’ve done mine without an expectation of others to do it ‘the same way’, but to have a simple reference of the many ways that our lives can be lived, redirected and recreated. Mine is one way, but there are as many ways as there are human beings in this life and that’s then the individuality in equality.

 

We all walk the same process but each one’s is entirely unique and that’s what makes it so fascinating because then the beauty of getting to know someone implies also getting to know how they decide to take on points of change in their life, how they are discovering things about themselves, how they face particular challenges, what they decide to live on as a solution, what worked for them, what didn’t work and so forth, and that’s what I find actually fascinating, more so than me wanting to push certain ‘solutions’ right away, which is by all means limiting and unnecessary – done deal, lol.

 

So in this, patience is a key word for me and understanding, because I tend to jump ahead into seeing how a plus b equals c, why not doing it right now? Instead of realizing that not everyone operates in this way and that I can also consider being more flexible and gentle with myself when I sometimes also approach a point of self-investigation in an attempt to ‘get it all done’ in one go, which is not really possible or even desirable because then again, the drive and desire that’s driving this investigation is ‘to get it done’ and wanting to be living a result, but in that, I’m missing out myself as the living process of developing the solution, learning from my mistakes, understanding the space and time it takes to create solutions and the enjoyment there is in getting to know how others approach similar situations as well, which becomes also a way to expand myself.

 

So in terms of facing a point within me, I realize I can trust myself in seeing whether I can direct it in the moment or have to let it brew so to speak, let it develop, sometimes let it be until I can see what a particular experience, reaction or pattern is all about, instead of immediately wanting to ‘tackle it’ which comes with this rush and fear of creating consequences or fear of making mistakes or not getting a desired outcome, etc. and that self-interest is ultimately what creates all of this ‘subtle’ yet very noticeable movement within that becomes a rigidity, a stiffness… now I know it’s the me that wants to control and then I know I have to ask myself basic questions to see what I have to consider, understand, let go of, embrace and move into a point of consideration towards others.

 

What becomes relevant with this realization as well is how with this consideration of giving myself space and time to actually ‘walk’ the process of self-change and self-creation, at the same time I am aware that I can trust myself in actually doing it, so as to not go into the extreme of being too lax about it or not actively being ‘on it’- without forcing it. As with everything, it’s a fine balance to not go into the extremes, so what I became aware of is the extreme of push, force and imposition that a point of intended support can come with – even more so when there are hidden agendas that I have to sort out for myself first – instead of giving space and time for self-creation and self-realization, not only towards others but starting within myself first of all. Yep! Not the first time I share about this control and imposition point, but I rather write it out again so that it stays fresh in my awareness as well, because essentially process is walked in every moment, so can’t be really ‘done’ with something if new dimensions/aspects of one pattern or personality open up in a different situation or with a different person than before, so in that sense each opportunity again is unique to look at these points.

 

A great audio support that I recommend checking out to understand more about these ‘mini-possession’ moments is Living Nightmare: Background Noise Possessions at Eqafe.com, which has a lot to do with these interactions and communication in relationships, so that we can support each other to not escalate an experience within us, but can assist one another in becoming aware of it so that each one can then decide how to take the point on and walk through it.

 

Thanks for reading

 

 Individuality in Equality

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


565. Comfort in Expression

Or looking back at my expression towards others before and where I’m at currently with it thanks to the Desteni Process 

One of the benefits of walking this process is the ability to realize to what extent our relationship to something or someone ‘outside of ourselves’ is entirely dependent on the kind of ‘self-work’ that one has walked. For example upon meeting new people or getting to be in contact with someone I met quite a few years ago for the first time, I saw how comfortable I was in the whole situation and I looked at the point of taking this ‘comfort’ for granted or in a way kind of ‘forgetting about the process’ that I’ve walked to get to this point of what I can define as ‘relatability’ towards other people, whereas before I definitely was the kind of person that would first analyze all the knots and bolts of the person and carefully assess ‘who I should be’ in relation to them and start molding or acting (manipulating myself) accordingly, usually in an attempt to be liked, accepted by them or sometimes to actually ‘shut down’ all forms of possible interaction, which I definitely had done in the past towards certain people as well in my ‘pickiness’ towards others.

I looked at how through understanding and walking the process of self-acceptance, self-expression, taking judgments back to myself and learning to consider others I’ve been able to be quite comfortable in what I deem would have otherwise been a somewhat ‘uncomfortable’ situation in the past, as in being too ‘unpredictable’ to the point where I have no ‘control’ over it and therefore being caught up in a series of fears and ‘what ifs.’ And that’s how I realized that this is not the case ‘this time around’ in my life and I even check myself to see if I am suppressing something or if I am kind of putting up a front or something but nope, there’s no ‘noise’ within me as I would call it, which I would have definitely experienced many times before when interacting with people in a close manner.

That’s how I got to see that through me having been working – and still continue to do so – with my judgments, ideas, beliefs, personalities, characters, suppressions, expressions and essentially ‘everything’ that I had lived as ‘me’ in the past and working on redefining and living the version of myself that I want to be, I’ve been able to definitely change the way that I relate to others and that it definitely stands as the person that in a way I always wanted to be, but I had ‘clogged’ that with a lot of patterns, fears, limitations before, which are all the points that I’ve been walking through these nine years of walking the Desteni Process.

I have simplified and made things like new relationships so much easier in my life, because there are no fears in the background or ‘noise’ related to judgments and even if they appear, I write them out, see them for what they are, establish who I decide to be instead of ‘judgments’ and live the expression, test it out and then see, ah it works! And keep walking to rather focus on living that which is here, it’s me expressing, comfortable, embracing yet continuing to observe myself in relation to other people and being aware of which other points I can look at, change, open up and also communicate to cross-reference my own experience.

I know this might sound a bit abstract for some, but it all has to do with the continued application of the Desteni tools of writing, developing self-honesty, giving myself the gift of self-forgiveness and the actual ‘second chance’ to live life in a different manner through establishing living words.  I’ve been able to see how cool and beneficial it’s been to be working on all the ‘nitty-gritty’ details of myself in order to pave the way for points of self-creation that I can face and work on now with relative ease.

I don’t want to make it all sound ‘too simple’ because what I am currently living and sharing is more like the result of several years of self-dedicated personal investigation, exploration, trial and error situations that I’ve actually learned a lot from and that I am very grateful for, because otherwise I would not be where I am ‘at’ right now.

In any case I share this as well for anyone that may experience walking this process as something that seems to have ‘no end’ or where one cannot get to ‘taste the fruits of the labor’ just yet, and I can say that yes it takes time, it’s not easy at first, it’s very challenging at times in terms of fears, emotions and the rest of ‘growing pains’ that come with it. But one thing is certain: one does get to see the results and reap what one has sown. This is nothing else but action and reactions, cause and consequence, input and output mechanics of this process which is also why I want to share how all the dedication, the consistency, the perseverance, the discipline and self-work that one inputs on oneself is a substantiation process that one may not immediately see in terms of ‘big changes’ right away; as with everything, it is a process and it takes time to even have a point of reference to ‘look back’ and see how one has in fact changed here and there.

I’m quite satisfied with myself at the moment in relation to that ability to be comfortable, stable, embracing regardless of ‘others’ or ‘the contexts’ and at the same time continuing to expand upon meeting new people or establishing new relationships, whereas I can see how ‘tortuous’ that was for me in the past. All I can say is that this comfort, ease and enjoyment is the way I’d definitely would like every person to be able to experience life and themselves as, because it’s so much simpler and even enjoyable. Though, of course, we cannot ‘jump right into the self-perfected version’, it’s all a process and that’s got a great reason for it as well: to understand and so take responsibility on how we created our limitations, our fears, our ‘flaws’ and the rest of obstacles for our self-expression in order to get to see and practice living in a different way, creating different habits and patterns instead the ones that we had been deterred by before.

I am also aware that I would not be the kind of person that would say ‘I’m quite satisfied with myself’ before, because of considering that it sounds a bit too self-glorifying, but I’ve also learned to appreciate and recognize myself, my own process walked here and being ok with sharing more of the practical results than only the problems, which I sure will continue to share as they emerge in my life experience. But for now this is a self-appreciation note and an encouragement for anyone that might be reading this and might be caught up in a very emotional or turbulent time in their lives where it all seems like having ‘no way out’ or being about to ‘give up’ on yourselves. Hold on, there is a way through, keep at it, be consistent, don’t allow your fears to deter you, push through it and you will eventually see the benefits of developing that self-will to keep walking this process and continuing expanding and developing self-honesty. As it has been said many times, it isn’t easy, nice, fun, pretty or beautiful at first, but what emerges from that ‘gruesome’ process is definitely worth-living completely.

What comes next though is expanding my ability to continue sharing more of this process and assisting every other person I can to get to realize this for themselves as well, so if you’re interested, check out the Desteni Process, it’s the best life investment you can ever give to yourself.

Thanks for reading.  

 

Relatability

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


560. From Missing to Current Creation

Continuing from:

Practically looking at the word miss and upon reflecting on various things I see I have been ‘missing,’ a lot of them have to do with how I developed certain expressions within myself in relation to other people, or how I got to do things that definitely opened me up to many more aspects or facets of living, where once that these relationships ended up or ‘dried out’ in a way I remained in a state of disempowerment in relation to me not being able to continue developing what I got to do with others in terms of for example, creativity and genuine enjoyment I had when ‘collaborating’ creatively with others and also when it comes to a friendship with a female that I simply ‘let go of’ completely upon no longer living in the same place, and a phrase that has come up recently in me is how we have to nurture relationships, otherwise they ‘dry out’ which is what happened several times where I could have redefined these relationships and continued to enjoy myself within them, but I see how it was me that decided to ‘cut ties’ or believe they no longer ‘have time for me’ and in a way lose contact which I would genuinely appreciate even if it was ‘long distance’ many times.

 

How I got to realize this wasn’t an easy ‘looking at the word’ in one go. What I did was first seeing directly at all the points that did emerge within me in one way or another  – subtly or strongly – that I have been missing in my reality. These were both people or parts of myself that I got to experience and develop while being in certain relationships.

 

I saw how as much as I was not at a ‘great place’ when it comes to my emotions and decisions in life, the person that I was 10 years ago was also living more in a self-discovery, adventurous manner that I completely cut off/let go of when starting this process believing that I had to completely become ‘devoid’ of any sort of distraction at the time – which I associated with my personal interests and enjoyment at the time, which surely was a possible necessary phase as well considering how I was about to go down a downward spiral of mysticism right before I got to find Desteni and start this process, which was – in retrospect – a necessary pause in my life as well to really get to see who I am within it all and the subsequent 9 years up to now that it has taken myself to get to a stable position within me in who I am and developing sufficient self-support for what I see is yet to be created by me in my life.

 

Therefore  I also had to practically see what of ‘the me that I miss from over 10 years ago’ is livable and supportive to my current context, and of all things what I saw more prominently were the relationships to arts and music as forms of genuine enjoyment that I was able to share with others as well. I realized that I miss seeing reality with the eyes that I would see it before which was more of a genuine curiosity and appreciation that I then completely blacked out by defining all pictures as mind-interpretations therefore meaningless, therefore pointless – but I’ve come to realize it’s not even about ‘the pictures’ as much as it is about who we are in the process of taking pictures and what we can reflect on them, so going from pure aesthetics to a more internal process that I might have not seen entirely ‘within me’ before when I first started taking pictures over 10 years ago in a rather compulsive manner lol.

 

So that explorative, creative, adventurous me is the one that I have been ‘missing’ which in fact has become a sort of rigidity, at times ‘bitterness’ for cutting out this expression in me and believing that I had to be ‘ok without it’ – but it all has to do with how I judged such experiences as something ‘pointless’ or ‘superficial’ to do, and within this ignoring or deliberately suppressing the sense of enjoyment that I had with it which I am now looking forward to re-create and find the ways to do so in my current living situation, which might or might not be related to taking pictures per se, but I won’t know unless I actually test it out myself.

 

The same goes with things I used to do with certain friends where surely, a person’s expression is unique and the point here is not to try and find another ‘person’ that is exactly the same as the friendships or relationships I am ‘missing’ – nor does it mean that I have to re-establish a relationship with the same person because it is so that people change, have different lives, interests change etc. The point I’m looking at here is related to developing and nurturing relationships, which is something I can definitely see I have not done – have sucked at it actually – yet I also am aware that when I establish a relationship with another – being it of friendship or partnership – I am quite committed and loyal to it.

 

So it’s a matter of deciding to create more ‘meaningful’ as in deep and intimate relationships, nurture and develop them. And this is something I can certainly learn to see with a different pair of eyes than in the past as well, where relationships were more like a ‘personal hideout’ than a personal development of intimacy within myself and others, of supportive enjoyment and co-creation which are words that I have missed about myself as well in relation to others.

 

Also while looking at this word ‘missing’ I realized that it also doesn’t necessarily mean something that ‘was part of my life and is gone now’ but also considering things that I simply haven’t yet done and lived in my life and at the moment I have a notion of what it can be and it involves the word ‘depth’ in it as in really getting to know me, see me and continue to develop this self-appreciation that I sought to ‘receive’ from others so many times before in my life. And this is what I see I have been missing all along and only have been recently realizing this which is great so that I don’t end up ‘waiting for me to happen’ in a way, but I can lead myself to make things happen, to create the outcomes that I see are potentials yet I have not actively worked on developing them.

 

Therefore, I’m currently aligning and setting up what I call platforms, changes, requirements, tools and skills that I can use to move to the self-creation step in a more ‘system’ related context, which is actually what I have also been missing in my life as in not having a clear experience of yet and that I am frankly eager to create and establish for myself.

 

So, here it’s quite clear to see how from a point of ‘missing’ and emotionally reacting to it at first in a sense of denial that led to a ‘having to admit to myself’ of actually missing, to then the process/time I walked to separate ‘the wheat from the chaff’ as they say in terms of establishing what I was missing more from an emotional attachment, a sort of ‘nostalgia’ or selective memory starting point when it comes to seeing what I ‘miss the most’ – as all that which I have perceived as having been only a’ good time’ in my life, which I have proven to myself is a very limited way to look at ‘memories’ and ‘the past’ in general – so that I could also not focus on ‘the people’ I missed, but more like the parts of myself that I have missed, that I have truncated in my life and those that I have not yet developed or created yet and that I got to taste a bit of in certain past times or seeing what aspects of myself I can now create in my life with a new starting point as well – this also includes aspects of other people in my past that I can integrate in my own life as well.

 

This  enables me to see how to redefine the word ‘missing’ from a perception of lack or desire to ‘go back to having that which I no longer have’ to focusing on what is here as myself that I can create, take on or approach again but from the current starting point in my life and process of self-creation. And this is where the empowerment comes back to self, where there is no longer a sense of lack, helplessness, irresoluteness and keeping myself in a ‘waiting mode’ or being in plain denial about ‘missing anything at all,’ but, I can see how if I decide to do things = I make them happen, so I can approach this aspect of ‘missing’ the same way: stopping the longing, the belief of something being ‘forever gone’ within me and challenge such beliefs by bringing it back here and see who am I with it and how I can expand within it from my current position and starting point in life.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Artwork001 color

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


558. Walking Through Avoidance

“We will forever remain HERE in the GIFT and REBIRTH of ourselves / SELF after and during the confronting of our consequence, our manifested consequence we cannot escape, we cannot deny and we cannot run from…it will come, it will manifest, as it is already done and created. But the power we have, the CHOICE we have, the ability to respond we have – is WHO WE ARE THROUGH IT. How we LEARN from it and CHANGE from it for ourselves and generations to come. Our consequence becoming our REBIRTH or our death…we do, in fact, choose…” – Sunette Spies

 

When I read this last night I definitely wanted to take it on to my blog as a personal reminder and to expand it to many more people that may benefit from carefully reading into it, because it is so in terms of how we always have a choice to live instead of wallowing into an outflow or a consequence that we believe is ‘out of our hands’ to change, when it is in fact no so. And I particularly also appreciate how these bits of moments that we can stand up from can be seen through the eyes of living potential, not only for our current lives but also in the context of everyone’s lives that are yet to come.

It also assist us to place into perspective the notion of ‘walking through consequences’ and not fearing it, not feeling disempowered by them, but rather seeing that we can learn to honor and learn a lot more from ourselves by owning our creation.

I was translating some interviews on the topic of avoidance and how we tend to externalize it into not wanting to meet with, look at or have discussions with people we believe are ‘the problem’ or ‘cause’ of our experience that drives us to avoid people or certain situations, but the reality is that we only in fact avoid taking a good look back at ourselves to see what are we in fact avoiding to acknowledge, to open up, to recognize about ourselves that we are ‘fearing’ looking at.

I’ve seen this aspect come up in myself and many others within our lives and so in our process where we actually know what we are facing and creating as a result of letting our emotions, our opinions, our beliefs and the rest of unsettledness be our directive principle, where ultimately what ensues are actual situations that we then go into a conflict about, that we fear facing, that we feel completely disempowered to, but here I’ve also learned to challenge the quick responses we have to it such as saying ‘I fear looking at it’ ‘I fear walking through that’ ‘I feel hopeless about that situation’ ‘It makes me so nervous and anxious I rather not look at it’ and so we end up evading it in all ways that we can, but are we really ‘getting away’ from it for real, or are we only prolonging the inevitable confrontation of our creation, of our results or consequences? I’d say the latter is what’s accurate because! As they say ‘what goes around comes around’ and this is a simply saying to remind us that we cannot really ever ‘escape’ from our creation, but the point is also not to be looking at ‘ways’ to evade facing ourselves, but rather realizing the actual gift that walking through a consequence can be in our lives.

This also inevitably brings me back to my childhood years where I feared having to assume responsibility upon something I had in fact done because of fearing being scolded or losing someone’s trust towards me, so the immediate reaction was that of hiding, of lying to ‘save face’ so to speak, which inevitably would lead me feeling guilty because we in fact always know what we did, what we are in fact responsible for and I know that everyone has experienced how uncomfortable guilt and remorse is, which is an outflow of not taking responsibility first hand upon realizing we’ve caused some consequences or outflows that might have been destructive for ourselves or others.

Truth is, the best thing to do and what I’ve recently confirmed in a situation I shared in this vlog is to immediately take responsibility for the situation, to stand up and own one’s consequences, because then we are not defined only by ‘how we screwed something up’ but how we decide to stand in self-respect and honor the situation and the people involved in it by taking responsibility for it, even if that involves only letting others know one is aware of the outflows and has learned the lesson to not repeat it ever again, even though sometimes there are no ways to prevent what has been set in motion – but we surely can only remind us to learn about it.

So how this all ties with evasion is that if in such moment of realizing I had ‘screwed up’ in something, I would have gone into hiding, not immediately responding to the people that were asking for a response to their complaint, I would have remained even more anxious and in a state of guilt which invariably causes more damage to myself and others eventually, whereas in my immediate decision to face my creation, to take responsibility, even though there were consequences I realized it was part of owning my creation and so being able to learn from it myself, to not repeat it in future situations.

The outcome? I eventually was able to get back to my stable self, after doing some self-investigation as to how and why I allowed myself to go into a haste and cause certain consequences – I definitely have learned from it, I assure that. And this is part of what comes within an insta-moment of instead of wanting to wallow in guilt or regret and fear = evading the whole problem and conflict, I decided to stand up to it, own it, take responsibility. Now this is something that doesn’t necessarily need to be applied only to causing ‘conflicts’ with other people – this also very much applies to ourselves and how we relate to our own inner-conflict.

Many times we fear self-honesty, we believe we can hide from a constant experience with which we drown ourselves in fear, in anxiety, in petrification, in guilt, remorse, shame, sadness, helplessness, hopelessness, embarrassment and the list of reactions can go on… but why do we decide to stay in the reactive mode instead of rather taking the situation in our hands and face it, confront it? It’s fascinating how we fear doing what’s most supportive in our lives, and this applies 100% to stopping evading the problem, stopping avoiding the inevitable facing of our creation and that might be temporarily daunting, intimidating, nerve-wracking, but all these are only outflows of having avoided it all for some time – sometimes too long –which compounds everything to a point of making it unbearable – and the reality is that it has always been in our hands to act in the moment, to not allow something to compound to a point of making it unbearable for ourselves/our bodies.

This is what’s implied when it comes to being self-directive, being able to stand up in the moment and take responsibility, take the wheel in our hands and not procrastinate getting to walk through the problem, fix or amend what may be possible to fix or simply learn from it so that we can prevent it from happening again.

Ultimately if one sees that the response to ‘why am I fearing facing this consequence’ is nothing else but more fears or an emotional reaction, then we have to dig deeper by removing the word ‘fear’ and instead seeing what actions or inactions are contained within the basket known as ‘fear’? What am I actually hiding away from by saying ‘I fear consequence’ or ‘I fear my creation’ – same if our response as to why we fear facing our creation is ‘because we feel helpless’ about it, we can investigate further, who am I as helpless, what does it indicate about myself? And that’s where one can go into realizing more about the things we are doing or not doing to assist ourselves that we in fact know we can do, but we haven’t just yet decided to apply ourselves to do so. All of this proves that we in fact do know what is best for us and everyone else involved or not in it, we simply have to get past the fear-excuse and get our hands straight into the necessary changes within who we are in order to face our creation.

So, instead of doing the ‘void-dance’, let’s rather get close and intimate with the situation, being vulnerable, realizing that fear of getting to know the details of our ‘problems’ or conflicts is only a mask to prevent us from actually empowering ourselves with doing the real dance of self creation which comes with its ups and downs, its flaws and charms and all of it is who we are.

Pretending we can forever be perfect is an ideal that leads to perpetual fear of making mistakes, of believing that we can be forever ‘trouble-free’ – why not instead of fearing problems or negative consequences or avoiding all situations we believe might ‘bring consequences’ we instead learn to be comfortable with our ability to stand up from a problem or a consequence, challenging ourselves to own our creation, to test ourselves who we can be and how much we can learn and expand in our response to these things we were hiding, avoiding and running away from. Ultimately, we can only ever really deceive ourselves, so, we can only ‘face the music’ and get to dance to the tune of self-honesty.

Thanks for reading!

 

For further support on understanding and walking through Avoidance, please check out: these series at eqafe.com

  1. Avoidance: Introduction – Altanteans – Part 277
  2. Avoidance: Not So Honest, Actually – Atlanteans – Part 278
  3. Avoidance: Guilt and Responsibility – Atlanteans – Part 279
  4. Avoidance: How You Change – Atlanteans – Part 280
  5. Avoidance: Face Yourself – Atlanteans – Part 281
  6. Avoidance: I’m Right, You’re Wrong – Atlanteans – Part 282
  7. Avoidance: Support – Atlanteans – Part 283
  8. Avoidance: Recognition – Atlanteans – Part 284

 

Face the Music

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


547. How to Live Humbleness

 

 

Today I’ll write some self forgiveness to see what I haven’t yet lived and applied in relation to humbleness and the specific and subtle aspects where I miss out on living this very relevant word for me.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the consideration of every person’s living context, abilities, skills, life experience and the rest of patterns and habits that create who each individual is wherein I can approach each person with a set of eyes that is devoid of taking ‘me/myself’ into consideration only, but learns to see and get to know an individual for who and what they are in their own creation, as an individual that cannot be measured in ‘better’ or ‘worse’ type of values, but an individual that I can learn to approach and get to know through time and developing communication/getting to know a person, and learning to see who they are in the moment – not based on their past, not based on ‘ideas’ I’ve created about others – but entirely focusing on their words, their actions and deeds in the moment wherein I stop comparing ‘who they are’ to any sort of ‘ideal’ I create about myself or others in a certain situation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a differentiation between myself and other people based on a perception of skills or abilities – instead of realizing I can in humbleness use my skills, abilities and do whatever I am capable of living and doing in order to assist others if they also want to assist themselves in improving certain skills, supporting themselves in their own life wherein my humbleness approach is then not based on wanting others to develop ‘the same as me’ or ‘become like me’ but it is about me learning to assist another to sculpt themselves, to polish their strengths and strengthen their weaknesses where I can also learn to know an individual for who they are, devoid of ‘more’ or ‘less’/ superior or inferior contexts, but learning to see people the same way that I see trees or parts of nature that I’ve learned to not compare to one another – because that’s a humble approach to life and to us living beings that are worlds in ourselves and cannot be ‘measured’ in any value-system way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself, my life to a set of perceived ‘skills’ only wherein I can instead be humble in realizing that those ways in which I perceived myself as ‘better than’ others are a limitation, because in reality I want to approach people from a genuinely equal stand point wherein I learn to quiet my ‘analyzer-mind’ that tends to quickly judge and ‘gauge’ people, and instead be here hearing what another person has to say, to learn to take in their words, their deeds as who they are in the moment without judgment or appraisal – wherein I can stand equal to them in that moment and simply share myself if I have something to contribute to and if not, be ok with simply being there getting to know an individual.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to live humbleness in my overall approach to people and how I see people where I can use my skills and ways of living and how I can be focused in the details of things and be specific with myself in order to assist others to learn to do the same for others – so that whatever I see is a potential to develop within myself and others can be shared and so instead of me defining myself according to a particular set of skills or abilities, I can use them to assist others and in doing so expand self’s potentials to live in a supportive manner if I see in common sense that is beneficial for everyone involved.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a subtle arrogance and superiority towards people whenever I’ve allowed myself to go into an impatience towards others, instead of realizing I can use my own skills and place them into application to be patient, to be humble, to be considerate of another’s pace in life and process, wherein I then use this skill of being meticulous and detailed in order to get to know others better and continue challenging myself to be able to place myself in their shoes and see how it would be best to assist others as well from their stand point and considering their current ‘views’ and stance, wherein I can apply humbleness as in stopping seeing ‘through my own eyes’ and learn to see from where another is and what they are experiencing because that is what I would like to develop as a skill that it actually becomes an interesting challenge for myself, to be ‘self-less’ when approaching others in the context of getting to know them or being in a context of providing assistance and support towards them.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to use this skill of ‘being aware’ of myself in order to also be more aware of other people, their lives, their context and learn to fully embrace them in who they are without any judgments, without being exigent or over-analyzing others’ situations and experiences, wherein being humble means reminding myself about my own process wherein I know what it is to feel ‘lost’ in my mind and having a perception of seeing ‘no way out’ wherein I can learn to breathe, be stable, relax whenever I am getting frustrated or desperate in relation to seeing repetitive patterns in my life that of others and in consequence of our own reality loops that will continue existing as such until I decide to stop justifying my impatience and reactions towards ‘repetition’, and instead live humbleness as the consideration of each one’s pace and living process which may or may not be like ‘my experience, ‘ but here it is to stop comparing myself to everyone else for once and for all because that’s the real essence of humbleness.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see how the notion of specialness exists as the core of separation in our minds, because when applying humbleness towards one another, we learn to consider each other’s lives and minds completely without any judgment, without any ‘value’ attached to it as more or less or inferior and superior – and this is the essence of equality of learning to see with a new pair of eyes wherein I can stand next to a person – not above, not below – and learn to see who they are through their words, through their body language, through their presence and be ‘self-less’ in that moment so that I can stop comparing myself to them or creating an idea of ‘who they should be’ in that moment, but learn to see in innocence as if I was there for the first time facing them and their situation.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the ability to see things always as if it was ‘the first time’ that I approach a context or a situation in relation to walking a process with another person, wherein I can let go of the judgments I’ve created towards others and who they are and instead approach them anew, each time, so that I can then learn to approach a person from their current reality, instead of holding a ‘profile’ of another and myself towards them from the past and so recreating the past which is what I have to stop doing in order to embrace the moment, the current reality as is without judgment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an exasperation and impatience towards other people instead of considering that it is not about ‘others’ that I create an experience but about my own relationship to ‘others’ existing as judgments and piled-up experiences that I have to first sort out within myself, wherein I can apply humbleness as a first point of letting go of any assessments and ‘qualifications’ I have tended to project onto others and instead be humble in how I operate within myself, wherein I can learn to see myself in others in whichever phase or context they are in and stop referencing ‘back to myself’ to decide ‘who others are for me’ and instead learn to see ‘who they are’ for what they are and do – and that’s it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to exist as elitism in the past wherein through not wanting to get to know all kinds of people I would in fact limit my ability to get to know and appreciate other humans that are also myself and so I was preventing myself from living equality. Whereas currently that I am more focusing on living this equality, I am able to be more open and initiate conversations with others to get to know them and I do require at the same time to do so in full equality instead of subtly going into the ‘I know better’ or ‘I know what kind of people you are’ wherein this becomes a limitation in that moment, so I have to focus on being detailed, specific and quite diligent in stopping my own assumptions I can create towards people even upon a first conversation and instead learn to see them in innocence, without judgments, without ‘qualifications’ of any kind, but be there as a physical being, not a mind-being.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live arrogance as the set of identification of my ‘intellect’ as something superior to that of others, when in fact this same apparent ‘intellect’ becomes the very set of programming that I have to now debunk within myself in order to learn to truly live the word humbleness which cannot be tied at all with knowledge and information, because being humble means fully approaching something like a child would do, without any perceptions, ideas, beliefs, notions about myself or another – and in this, true equality emerges where I learn to see another individual and myself for who I am in the moment, instead of re-loading the plethora of memories, ideas of myself that I have recreated as a mind-set of patterns that I am aware is not supportive. Therefore I want to approach people in innocence and humbleness wherein I can stop any quick assessment related to values, perceptions, ideas, beliefs and push myself to see myself and others for who they are in the moment, regardless of what went ‘before’ them or myself, and so live in the moment assessing reality, not holding on to ‘who I am’ as the past to approach people in this moment of reality.

 

I realize that living humbleness also means being devoid of definitions as particular perceptions of skills, experiences or ‘beneficial aspects’ within myself because that only exists as a notion in my head, and all that matters in a single moment is not who I am as all of that baggage of knowledge and information or tools I can use, but all that matters is how I stand in a moment in relation to a person, wherein I have to now be very specific in not recreating this pattern of superiority and inferiority that I’ve lived throughout my whole life in a very subtle manner, yet ever present.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be humble towards myself and so as an extension towards others wherein I can learn to see people as physical beings and assess who they are in the moment based on the words in the moment, their actions in the moments and be willing to ‘start anew’ each time with them, wherein I can use memory only as a reference of what I know of them, but not to hold that past against myself or others either, because this is not a humble approach to life, so I can be humble in approaching each one ‘anew’ which is in fact approaching life and others in self-forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that I wanted others to ‘see me’ in a different manner as in not placing myself as ‘superior’ or ‘more than’ themselves, but I didn’t realize how I was doing this towards myself and vice versa wherein we create the same patterns of superiority and inferiority in the most subtle ways that we approach one another – therefore I can live humbleness in ensuring that I am being completely equal to another in a moment, without ‘mind interference’  or ‘mind noise’ that judges, that criticizes and the rest of it, but instead be open, vulnerable, humble, considerate and caring in my communication with others, in my reading towards others and in my general interactions with other human beings no matter ‘where’ I get to interact with others or whatever the ‘context’ might be.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give any value to intellect as a point of ‘superiority’ when in fact, this is the very thing that cages us in values and perceptions we create towards everything in ‘consciousness terms,’ because life is not knowledge, life is a living and is a ‘blank slate’ approach from a moment to moment – it is only us as consciousness systems and beings that can generate such separation through our minds towards life, therefore I have to learn how to be life and stop the lies as ‘intellect’  – knowledge and information – from being any form of self-definition within me.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the consideration towards others in self-support, instead of having ‘diminished’ myself to experience problems and conflicts in order to be ‘equal’ to others in my past, instead of seeing how I can be a point of support and share towards others how we can be the better version of ourselves and tap into our potential wherein humbleness becomes not only a way to approach others and learn from them and take them ‘as they are’ but also expands into considering our potential, the creation of the better version of ourselves and this I can start doing by sharing myself and this process in itself of how I decide to stop defining me through knowledge and information and instead see how I can practically become a better living being in something as simple as how I approach a person, a set of information, a context, a culture, a conversation with a strange – any and all things are opportunities and points wherein I can learn to apply humbleness.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the ability to breathe through reading, listening to another or getting to be part of a conversation with people and learn to see others as their words in the moment, and not ‘hold others captive’ based on who they have been in the past, because living humbleness and consideration means approaching the moment as is without ‘baggage of the past’ – and this is also something to apply to myself of course wherein living in the moment means not reliving the same judgmental patterns within my mind, but be clear, be anew, approach the moment in innocence – yet with the experience of common sense and self-honesty as well.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the application of equality and considering others in placing myself in the shoes of another without the notion that ‘I am doing this to ‘reduce myself’ because that single perception of ‘reducing’ me, is coming from a form of superiority – therefore I realize that placing myself in the shoes of another is a true equal one on one, no more, no less and this I have to be very cautious and aware of when placing it into application.

 

I commit myself to live humbleness as the consideration of my process and every one else’s unique process and position in life wherein I cannot compare myself to anyone nor vice versa, because each individual is unique and having a very particular set of experiences and living conditions that I cannot at all ever cage into a judgment or ‘value’ of sorts – but only consider equality and consider the potential that we can bring out in each other if approaching ourselves in humbleness.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the ability to stand as and in the shoes of another, wherein there is no need to try and ‘connect’ but rather to realize I am them as well and I don’t have to connect through a personality with others, but I can learn to see directly who they are through their expression, and so being humble to get to know another for who they are in that moment and so over time without holding another captive to ‘initial or past memories’ created towards them, which are always not about ‘them’ but about how I used my mind to cage another in certain values and experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the understanding of who we are in our minds and so approach each mind, each person, each life without a judgment to it, wherein I can yes still see and understand patterns, see what another is experiencing but without adding it a judgment as a value of that being ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or ‘superior’ or ‘inferior’ anymore – but stick to seeing what is possible if one works on developing a potential, such as the process that it takes to develop self-honesty, learning to be ok with seeing the truth of ourselves, our flaws and be willing to be committed to work on those as part of our humble approach to life as well, because this means we have no limitation as well to do something and to give ourselves an opportunity to live.

 

I commit myself to live attention within myself in my interaction with others wherein I can be humble in my approach towards others and embrace them as equals, learn to see them ‘anew’ in a moment and so also be humble within myself to learn and practice what it is to live equality, which is being devoid of the gauging-mindset or set of polarity values that are separate and have no relationship to life – I instead can be living and embodying equality within myself so that I can ensure my approach towards the life in others is seen in innocence and common sense, considering what’s best for myself and them and the context and life itself.

 

I commit myself to learn to approach another person without any judgment of ‘who I am’ in relation to them, but instead be devoid of knowledge and information that defines me as ‘more or less than’ another, but be physical, be attentive in who I am in that moment and so who another or others are in the moment, because that’s the kind of embracing equality and humbleness that I want to live in my life and that I know will simplify the way I relate to myself and others, where there are no more ‘expectations’ or ‘pre-tense’ but simply living in the moment, as life and that’s the way forward for me. J

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


542. Living Expression

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

I have identified the word ‘expressive’ with a set of personality traits where a person speaks in an assertive, directive manner and using mannerisms that look somewhat ‘effusive’ or ‘extroverted’ to me, like moving hands, doing various facial expressions, even being humorous as well. Now, all of these are aspects or traits when looking at them as something I merely react to in a positive manner, which leads me to create an assumption or judgment that the person is ‘expressive’ or ‘outgoing.’ However, this is only what I can perceive in a moment of a person’s expression – I realize that it does not represent what it actually means to be expressive. This initial approach I just described above would be a form of confinement to the potential that we all exist as in the word expressive. Now, what does that mean?

When investigating my feeling-based reaction that I’ve experienced towards people that present this kind of qualities – I have seen how I’ve actually at times gone into a bit of a ‘sinking’ next to them, when interacting with them or observing them, because of considering that no one can ‘top their expression,’ which unfolds in reacting within inferiority, which is an indication that I’ve separated myself from my own potential expression and therefore, judge someone else’s as ‘desirable.’

This is also why I’ve been debunking my own set of beliefs around these words I had felt ‘intimidated’ by or creating a form of ‘attraction’ towards and instead, directing myself to clear out their meaning for me and take those words back to self, which means realizing that we all have the ability to live these words in a self-supportive manner, and not only as some kind of ‘show’ for others or personality trait, but as a genuine expression of who we really are, which is also expression as a process in itself.

Part of what I’ve learned in this process within Desteni is to understand expression in self-honesty, wherein one actually goes ‘reverse engineering’ one’s preferences as likes and dislikes, our emotional and feeling reactions to virtually everything in our lives, and we can then spot what kind of energetic experience motivates us, essentially looking at what exists behind every thought, word and deed in our lives.

It has been a very grounding and supportive process for me to do this, to realize how much of what I deemed ‘my expression’ was motivated –in my case – as a ‘show for others,’ or a form of ‘mask’ that I could put on to be liked or accepted by others, seeking appreciation, approval, seeking relationships out of need or dissatisfaction with myself, wanting to appear as ‘more’ than what I was truly experiencing within myself in certain moments… and the list could go on.

So, upon going understanding and seeing clearly ‘what motivates me’ in my life and noticing all of these fears or desires as starting points, what was left was a decision within me to self-forgive all those fears, judgments, desires and instead, apply myself to now learn what it means to be the starting point of my expression, what it means to direct myself to do something for and as myself – in other words having no ‘fear’ or ‘judgment’ or ‘desire’ as a motivation to do something anymore – but instead genuinely in a moment decide to do something and live it, do it, ‘go for it’ in other words and create it, express it – of course in consideration of what’s best for all, in common sense and self-honesty, essentially making decisions that are supportive – not just ‘random’ stuff that could be consequential, lol.

This might sound too simplistic in words, but it can actually be a challenging process for most of us that have conditioned our very decision to move and do something in our lives for something or someone else but ourselves.

An example on changing this starting point is how I initially decided to start painting and get into arts to avoid being bored, to cope with being alone one summer at home and also desiring to someday be very famous and well known and travel the world and the rest of it. Of course this doesn’t mean that I now have to stop doing any art because I had a flawed starting point –which by the way, I actually did stop for a while because of thinking it wasn’t valid anymore in my life, lol – but in self-honesty one learns to then realize we can change that starting point or ‘reason’ for why we do things or ‘who we are’ within doing art in this case and so, learn to be my own starting point, learn to express myself as art, which means not doing it to ‘get’ an experience or ‘avoid myself’ or ‘expect’ me escalating my position in my society, but simply as an expression, a movement, a decision, a realization that I work on for myself.

Changing this starting point in whatever we do, make, say and think in order to make it an expression of ourselves is actually easier said than done of course, because we’ve mostly learned to do things ‘in separation of ourselves’ – therefore, such a point as being expressive or expressing ourselves may have a huge baggage behind it as a set of reasons to ‘do’ or not to do something – like for example having the starting point of wanting to compete against others to ‘win’ something, to ‘get a relationship’ out of a fear of experiencing loneliness as a ‘negative outcome’ and the list may go on.

These are just examples but the point here is to explain how we are the only ones that can truly be aware of when we are genuine and self-honest in our expression and when we are in fact not so. And this is what has been very supportive for me to understand considering that I had been the kind of person that would use any form of motivation ‘outside of myself’ to express and be in a particular manner to create a ‘show’ of myself for others – but saw little to no point on doing it ‘for myself,’ which as strange as it may sound, it is actually a far more common situation than we would like to accept.

A cool test for myself lately has been the situation of being by myself and not having anyone necessarily being the ‘receptor’ of my expression or ‘expressiveness.’ This has been very cool for me to see what of the things I used to do when having someone else around me most of the times I stopped doing or changed in the ways I would do it because there’s ‘no one else around me’ that could be the witness or receptor of such expression – whether it was something I do or how I express myself in those ‘little moments’ of interaction with others.

I initially saw that I was wallowing into a ‘pointlessness’ considering there was no one to interact with in relation to this expression – but I instead made a decision to apply this realization about self-expression: to be the source and reason of my expression. And so upon the various years of living alone in different phases in my life, I’ve learned to do things for myself, from the way that I care for my own body, how I dress, how I have my surroundings, the food I make for myself, the things I do for fun, the kind of work that I do, hobbies –I’ve learned to have ‘me’ as starting point for these points, of course every now and then having to re-mind myself of that considering how easy it is also to start placing something or someone as the ‘reason’ to do anything in this world in separation of ourselves.

Now, I understand some might say ‘oh isn’t that selfish, doing it only for you?’ but it is not, this is of course within the context of doing things that are supportive in nature and that I then through habits on a daily basis have turned into my own expression, which can be easily translated into ‘who I am, how I am, what I say, how I behave, what I write, how I present myself with people, how I look, how I speak’ within the starting point of being directive in it all and within the consideration of the principles of what’s best for all, being supportive in other words and without making it a point of ego.  

Now going deeper into this word ‘expression’, we express ourselves in every moment. Every moment of breath is self expression, it’s my body expressing itself – every thought, emotion, reaction, judgment, opinion is also a form of expression, an expression of my mind that I’ve learned to now assess and question every time to see how supportive this expression is for one’s life and that of others, which is the self-honest application upon one’s expression and so placing the opportunity back to ourselves to decide: Who do we want to be and How do we really want to contribute to this life and existence in every moment that I am existing?

Being alive is already in itself an expression, it is ourselves existing as a plethora of potentials to develop according to our context, capacity and abilities – but the point is then to expand this word ‘expressive’ not only to a set of characteristics that can be perceived or received by others in only a fraction of interactions in one’s day, but it is about acknowledging that we are in fact expressing ourselves every moment of our day, whether we are aware of it or not.

So, one of the points here I would like to remind myself about is that, even if ‘no one is seeing me’ – apparently – and no one is ‘benefiting’ from my expression as my ‘doings’ in my day to day living, I actually am aware that by the sheer fact of being living in this world where we are in fact all the same – as in one and equal as life – whatever I accept and allow, what I change and correct within my life in common sense, what I work to develop in my life, the words I decide to live, the expressions I decide to fine tune within me, the destructive or self-sabotaging habits I decide to stop and correct within me, the words I choose to use to communicate, the foods that I eat, how I care of my body, the way that I l decide to confront a ‘problem’ or conflict in my life, the way I relate to people around me, the way that I present myself with others, the words that I write, the things I support in the internet, the way that I approach my work, the ideas that I have to create something and who I am in the process of creating something are all ways and forms of self-expression: they are all parts of me and they all stand as an impression or ‘signature’ of who I am in all of it – therefore we are constantly expressing, therefore also communicating with every single one of these in our day to day, it’s how we participate as co-creators of this reality.

That’s the kind of holistic self-awareness to practice in my day to day really, where I continue to align myself as the starting point of what I do within the understanding of being best for myself and so being best for all – and also in being able to enjoy all of this that I do as part of my self-creation process, which is actually something we tend to forget to do many times when we are too busy living ‘for others’ or to ‘get something’ out there, forgetting who we are as life yet to live to its utmost potential, which to me is precisely linked to self-creation, to sculpt ourselves as our creation, to work on our potentials, to fine tune our expression and genuinely learn to live, and so be an example for many more that might be ready to consider doing this for themselves in their own lives.

How to live then the word ‘expressive’ in relation to interactions with others? It’s actually quite simple because once that one walks through this process of self-writing, getting to know ourselves and deciding to change the judgments, limited perceptions, beliefs, opinions that we might create about ourselves or others, what is left is a core expression of oneself as an individual which is the definition of being ‘expressive’ as in not having obstacles to share, to be open, to enjoy, to share the kind of enthusiasm that emerges within oneself when we start ‘piecing ourselves back together’ from the scattered-self as all of the mind-traits that we had defined ourselves by.

Therefore, being expressive is also a result of walking this process using the tools of self-support provided by Desteni and realizing that we actually have much more potential than we thought we had when being only ‘in our minds’ and not yet getting to live who we really are as life, as our physical body – and this is only the start for me, there’s lots to do, fine tune, continue expanding and growing on but so far, best thing I’ve been able to decide to commit to in my life.   

In this, I also learn to not ‘compare’ myself to others’ ways of expressing, but rather learn to appreciate others in their individuality, being aware that I can always enjoy it ‘with them’ while also sharing myself and learning from each other to become better human beings. Interestingly enough that’s very much what we also do as the Desteni community and that to me is definitely an example of what being expressive is about, it all being related to ‘sharing the life’ in one another and the ways in which one lives it, how one works through it, what kind of solutions and paths one creates to continue tapping into one’s potential and that to me is what life and living is all about.  

Thanks for reading.  

 

Enjoy this Desteni Radio episode: Desteni Radio # 22 – Drinking Water and Why Change is Difficult

 

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


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