Category Archives: self reflection

580. Learning to Appreciate Myself

 

Or how I’ve walked through consequences of feeling ‘lonely’ and how I would create relationships from that starting point to where I currently am in transforming such emotional experience into an appreciation, understanding and embracing of myself and others as equals.  

 

I’ve been reflecting on several things these past days and one thing that I want to share about is realizing how I’ve  accepted and allowed to ‘give into’ a point of comfort and in a way ‘settling for the least’ in the past in order to stand in a point of perceived or believed ‘security’, of having ‘no-conflict’, of having certain apparent ‘control’ over someone or a situation and how that has eventually led me to create what I feared happening as the starting point of ‘who I am in my creation,’ which might seem like something ‘shitty’ to happen in one’s life, but as I share my story, it’s actually gotten me or ‘forced me’ to be at the place where I eventually had to be at, which is here.

For example, in relationships I had the tendency to create a relationship of dependency with the other person where I would ‘give myself’ to them and attempt to give them that which I believed and perceived they weren’t giving to themselves, which I used as a way to also ‘secure’ the relationship, to make sure they would not ‘run away’ because: no one else was giving that to them, not even themselves. And this is then covered up or disguised as a ‘benevolent act’ of trying to help another or ‘caring’ for another, and it is interesting because I actually knew what I was doing at the time but I would still decide in a conscious way to deceive myself, my self-honesty, and ‘do it anyways’ which is linked to another type of pattern that I’ve faced quite a bit in my life which is ‘rebelling’ against that anyone would advise me to do, where I would automatically just ‘do it because I’ve been told not to’ and not seeing through the actuality of the situation, which of course ends up only in showing myself the consequence of simply ‘doing it’ out of rebellion and not considering reality in its totality – learned lesson.

What I’ve realized in this is that no one can ever ‘warn us’ or ‘tell us’ what to do or not to do, because even if anyone reaches out to say so, we still have the ultimate decision on what we do and create. Therefore it’s actually quite a gift to acknowledge this responsibility, because there is nothing and no one to blame, but it is simply a deep realization that one can only ever deceive oneself. I definitely knew that I had been setting myself up for failure or future consequence and outcomes that would represent or ‘by default’ become the result of my very flawed starting points in, for example, creating a relationship which was standing in the shape of fear, fear of being alone, fear of ‘missing out’ on some experiences etc. or seen as a desire to ‘be complete’ in one way or another.  

If my starting point in my past relationships had been that of seeking a comfort zone where I would not be ‘left alone’ because of making the other person ‘dependent on me’ to ‘be ok within themselves’ and where they would not be in essence ‘good enough’ for themselves, then there was also that possibility of me having a certain control as in ‘ensuring the relationship’ or having this person in my life – apparently, again – which is completely flawed In the sense that it is a deceptive and self-interest starting point, because if I create something from the starting point of fear, wanting to dominate, wanting to control and in essence doing it all from the fear of ‘not being alone’ or ‘fear of being alone’ or ‘missing out’ or whatever else, well! Such apparently hidden starting point would eventually manifest the outcome of me having to stop a relationship because such consequences of choosing a flawed starting point would eventually come out in ways that I could foresee could happen before, but because of holding on to a ‘hope’ – which is in fact holding on to a convenient comfort-zone of wishing and thinking things will ‘go well in the end’ which is translated into ‘I hope that the truth of this deception won’t ever hit the fan’ type of thing – I simply kept the ball of deception rolling. 

But, who am I within such a decision? Yes, I was in fact existing in fear, in the constant suspense of something eventually happening that will force us to ‘break up’ because I simply knew that such possibility was there when I know I am not standing full, complete, whole within myself, but still creating a relationship from having at that time in my life felt ‘alone’ and so creating an idea of taking someone I could ‘support’ and ‘be with’ as a comfort zone masked or disguised as ‘support’ when in fact the actuality is that it was a way to not ‘feel alone’ anymore, which for sure had been a constant in my life up to that point.

So in essence I set myself up for failure in those situations and this is something I was aware of at a conscious level, yet! I did it anyways. And this is the point of self-sabotage that I want to share about as well as a self-reminder of how at times even when there’s this plain awareness of ‘self-sabotage’ about something, I’ve decided to ‘do it anyways’ based on deciding to go for the experience, to make decisions based on fears that are linked to ‘feelings’ and hopes and expectations, which are all non substantial reasons to make a decision such as who you’d like to spend your life with. And I knew it and I did it anyways, and I got my result to in a way bluntly show me and go through the experience of ‘this is what I decided to do, this is what I set myself up for’ which sure, it’s not a ‘pleasant’ experience, but in my case a very necessary one because after repeating this pattern for so many times in my life – almost in every single relationship I’ve had – it was about time I had to face some more ‘real-time’ outcomes that involved not only me and the other person but many more in it so that I could finally take my life seriously in that sense and stop hoping or dreaming of ‘changes’ happening according to my desired outcome.

What I’ve learned from this and from having repeatedly done this in my life is that I in a way decided to go through it almost to prove to myself – once again – why and how this cannot work, going through the somewhat ‘traumatizing’ situation of having to sort out an actual separation even in legal matters to now fully comprehend how ‘easily’ I gave into faith, hope and fear as the starting point of a relationship that had to end the way it did, because my starting point was flawed and I knew it all the way.

Now, something I’ve also learned is to not judge myself for it. I could be whining and saying I ‘lost’ x amount of time of my life, but I’ve instead managed to as with everything take it as a learning curve, getting to understand and see ‘who I was’ in every step of the way of such relationships, and it’s not the ‘me’ that is here as myself any longer – which is great – yet it is still a part of who I had been most of my life and it’s not something that’s just ‘gone’ but it is there and I am aware that I can decide to become that again or not, which is the same with any other patter, situation or conflictive experience within ourselves: we might have ‘gone past it’ now, but as with anything the potential is always there to recreate it if I decide to do so, it’s always up to me.

However I’ve now seen that it is only through this last consequence I created that I managed to ‘finally’ make a click within me and see what I was settling-with essentially. And here it’s not about diminishing or judging, criticizing ‘the other person’ at all. It is about what I decided, what my choices were, what my excuses, reasons and justifications were and how in full awareness of what I was doing and placing myself into, I simply ‘did it anyway’ in a form of blind faith and seeking some benefits and perceived convenience that led me to eventually yes, thankfully and through a sour consequence, burst the bubble and go back to square one of self-honesty.

Where I currently am in my life is definitely a different place, one where I know I would be prone to repeat myself if I follow ‘the same steps’ I’ve followed in my life before when it comes to relationships, and this time I’ve made sure that I get to focus on myself and fully see ‘who am I’ within this ‘aloneness’ point that had gotten me to seek out some kind of dependency before.

How have I gotten to do it? This process if for once ‘it’, there is no other way to get to appreciate me other than getting to know myself, every step of the way, learn to not judge me but understand my decisions, paths, choices and learn from it. Stopping for example creating some kind of obsessions and infatuations about people – of which I’ve been quite prone to do in the past – and instead get to appreciate me, live me, enjoy me, value me and this is something that has taken some time for sure, it’s all about making the decision to see myself with the same pair of eyes that I have tended to look at other people – specially males of course in my case – which I would turn into a form of attraction, desire or even ‘love’ and I’ve continued to test this out as I’ve been sharing in the past months with how I’ve been dealing with some points of ‘attraction’ or dare I call it ‘infatuation’ which has been quite a life-long habit in my life and I’ve finally learned to see it with a different set-of-eyes.

Last night I was watching an interview by another one of those people I have had what I can define as an ‘attraction to’ – yep another artist, etc. – and I definitely enjoy testing ‘who I am’ when seeing them, hearing their words, seeing how they move/express and seeing what moves within me. This time I noticed it has changed from how I would look at the person a few years ago and all that I would get is this slight churning within my solar plexus which is what I’d define as attraction and just leave it at that. Believing that ‘yes I like their personality’ and that’s it, but the reality is that I wasn’t looking any deeper than that because I wasn’t looking WITHIN myself deep enough, I wasn’t seeing myself as living words, I wasn’t seeing myself as these qualities that I actually enjoy about me, but was constantly looking ‘outside of myself’ for that, and the most common way was through creating ‘idols’ as in people I would admire – in the case of women – or develop these infatuations and attractions towards males.

So this time, I realized that what emerged within me was a sense of recognition of the other being for who they are, what they express, how they’ve come to be themselves and simply appreciate it, being thankful as well that there’s people in this world that throughout time I’ve been able to listen to and ‘get to know’ even in these very limited ways like through interviews or their creations and instead of only leaving my experience at a point of ‘excitement’ about them or infatuation, I’ve been able to transform that into a learning, appreciating the words that they are living within and as themselves.

 There was no longer that ‘desire’ in me, or that fleeting energetic bubble bursting up, in fact after I decide to face this ‘attraction’ in seeing, hearing them I am able to make a clear decision of changing the way in which I see another human being and instead turn that into an ‘embracing’ of sorts, which now that I see it is also what I would like any other person to do onto myself as well. I would definitely not want to be in their shoes and having someone being infatuated and obsessed ‘with me,’ because that surely is quite a point of separation to exist in, as I was existing in in terms of the actual relationships I formed and the relationships that I’d create in my mind in relation to all of these people that at one point or another I developed relationships with in my mind for the most part.

So, after watching that interview I realized how much I had transformed people – well males specifically – into objects of desire, of wanting to ‘possess’ someone because of what I believed I would get ‘from them,’ whereas now I am definitely at a place where there’s this self-fulfillment where I no longer go seeking this ‘other person’ to ‘fulfill me’ or ‘give me’ or ‘be for me’ that which I haven’t been able to live for myself. I can only now share myself, walk with, learn from and possibly contribute back, but that’s about it, there’s no ‘need’ any longer as I used to experience it in the context of personal relationships.

I’ve also seen how there has been this tendency throughout my life of expecting someone to ‘come into my life’ and appreciate me, value me for all that I am and have been through or have realized about myself, and every single time there’s that expectation within me, I’ve ended up disappointed, because it’s of course a flawed starting point, a desire for ‘someone else’ to do that which I hadn’t done for myself which is again appreciate me, enjoy me, be actually quite ‘fascinated’ by myself – and not in the narcissist kind of way lol – but in truly realizing that: I cannot ever fully share every single detail and moment of my life that I only know how I’ve gone through it, what I’ve developed within myself in every step of the way and have another ‘appreciate me’ for that. I can only do that for myself because I am the only one that has always ever been there with me, and this self-relationship and realization of ‘I got me and I will always do’ is quite a substantial one that I had known and become aware of at a ‘theory’ level, but I had not genuinely expressed that as a true form of embracing, gratitude and appreciation to myself, which is see if very much here now which I now am able to extend to anyone else according to what I express and give first to me. Which is how I realized I was able to change the ‘pair of eyes’ with which I look at people – again specially males I’ve been attracted to – and take from each ‘what’s best’ what words I see I can integrate from them within myself and ‘complete me’ that way, get to live what I yearned of others.

How does this ‘feel’ like or ‘translates’ to? Being comfortable with myself, with being alone as well and so being comfortable towards others too. I used to be the kind that was constantly yearning to not be alone or be in a relationship to have some constant companion and something to ‘focus on’ or ‘be for’, but I’ve realized and seen how I am quite fine by myself and that translates to being also quite fine and comfortable when being with a partner. Surely, I enjoy being sharing, expressing with another but even that would not be a constant point of stability, enjoyment, sharing and expression if I had not first developed myself within this path I just described and gotten to start living these words for and as myself first, so that a relationship therefore doesn’t become another ‘dependency’ point which I’m seeing is definitely possible as well and something that’s quite ‘new’ to me too.

Many times people having similar patterns to the one I’ve just described in relation to ‘relationships’ as the ‘weakness point’ in one’s life, we tend to make of relationships that ‘completion’ point, and I’ve been looking at this quite intently and testing myself out in the way I see people that for example I used to be ‘attracted to’ because of liking their expression or their skills or ‘ways of being’ and principles, values etc. And last night as I mentioned, I realized I no longer turn that into some kind of ‘physical attraction’ or ‘desire’ to have a relationship with that person, but instead has become a seeing within another their potentials, their ‘wisdom’ if you will as their very unique and individual experiences and expression. I decided to no longer look at another through the eyes of ‘infatuation’ or ‘I want to have a relationship with you so that I can have that which I see you are/have,’ but instead I take the words that I see or perceive they are embodying and living and make them part of myself, and some other things I simply appreciate them for, for what they stand for and do which at times it’s something quite unique and that I can only see and understand is an expression of what’s ‘here’ as ourselves and that’s it, embrace it, enjoy it- but not try and ‘possess it’ anymore, which is very liberating.

I am more learning to see people as equals in fact, not as ‘objects of desire’ which is of course a point of separation from myself. I’m learning to see and appreciate others for who they are and no longer go ‘wishing’ or ‘desiring’ a relationship as a ‘short cut’ to actually get to live and be ‘that’ for myself, which is a very cool position to be at really, it stops a lot of the ‘mindfucks’ and instead it has opened myself up a true appreciation of someone’s existence, someone’s expression, someone’s work, someone’s words and experiences for what they are.

I was laughing at myself last night when seeing this because I never thought I would be in that position of being able to ‘appreciate’ another human being at that level, where it is devoid of a ‘feeling’ or ‘fears’ but simply in the expression of ‘I see you’ and in a way appreciating ‘who they are’ as their expression, that ‘role’ or part of life they represent. I used to be the kind that would even disregard everything that I’ve learned from fellow humans in my ever-constant idea that there was ‘no point’ in life and that we should all just be doomed to be washed away from the face of the Earth. It’s been a long walk since I was living that kind of statements, I was sooo limited! So veiled by my own emotions and minimized view of myself and so of the rest of the world, but I don’t judge it, it’s just what it is, I am rather thankful and grateful I didn’t give up on myself and have continued to push through and get to where I am now.

It is so that I could not have gotten myself to see, express and realize these things before at all, it’s all ‘here’ right now as a result of all the years of self work through and with the Desteni tools and yes, some very necessary consequences in my life, some ‘hard spots’ to go through for me to understand the starting point of my creation and the consequences that I create when making decisions based on desires, hope, feelings and fears and now realizing more about myself, getting to appreciate myself more than ever before – not to place my on a pedestal as superiority here either – but simply in that realization of how I’ve come to where I am currently and no longer judging me for all of the past decisions, mistakes, deception that I’ve participated on, but understanding it as what in a way I decided to walk through to teach me something, to show me in real time and manifested consequences what happens if I miss ‘myself’ in the equation of my life and so instead turn that ‘missing’ into a me-is-here, realizing I’ve got potential, I decide what to live and express, up to me and my possibilities and willingness to do it, which is in fact a very liberating and expansive realization.

Thanks for reading.

 

Check out these and all other supportive material at eqafe.com to which I am forever grateful for, because I would not be sharing this if it wasn’t for what I’ve heard, learned and applied over the years with the support provided here

Self Expansion

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


568. Sacrificial Sainthood

Or how the idea of ‘being an example to or others’  in my head became another personality to debunk

In my case and relationship to living purpose, I noticed that I had defined me doing this process of self change also to ‘be an example for others’ and in that, more veering towards the noble, pious and honorable idea of ‘being an example’ of what it means to live in certain principles in this life and ‘show that to others’.

 But! I realize how there was a weight placed on the ‘to others/for others’ rather than understanding the simplicity of what ‘being an example’ means, which in my current redefined relationship is not to see it as a standard of superiority, a ‘quality standard’ or being qualified with notions like being ‘more noble’ or ‘better’ or showing others ‘how it’s done’ from a superior starting point, but instead actually using ‘the matter’ that I am as a human with a physical body, a mind, a capacity to make decisions, create, grow, expand within challenging my own limitations, my own ideas and beliefs which include the whole point of ‘creating an impact ON OTHERS’ and so focusing too much on ‘others’ and in a way, relegating myself to a second plane which might have been ‘subtly’ there, but it does create and sustains a persona/personality around ‘being an example’ and making that ‘my living purpose’ where it becomes about showing, demonstrating, teaching others something instead of first living it for and as myself, entirely and unconditionally.

See, what I found I tend to miss is that in being the best for myself, as myself, for myself = one invariably then becomes an example – but here I had to redefine my relationship with the word ‘example’ because within me it was plagued with notions of my past experience as an ‘exemplar student’ and how I was placed on a form of ‘pedestal’ at the eyes of my peers as in being used to show others ‘how things should be done,’ and I’ve lived that pattern ever since – in varying degrees, a lot less pronounced in the past years – but I realized it was still there when I started uncovering more about certain patterns that I’ll continue to share in relation to ‘others’ and how ingrained this point of ‘serving others’ and ‘being for others’ or at times ‘sacrificing’ myself ‘for others’ has existed in my life, taking almost a religious tonality to it, which I’ve been definitely challenging and debunking this past month, allowing myself to slowly but surely disentangle myself from these covert or more ‘ingrained’ aspects in how I’ve been approaching certain aspects in me ‘by default’ which at the same time build personalities in me that have become so much ‘myself’ that I actually required a second pair of eyes looking into my life to assist me in seeing this, which is quite cool as well.

Now this doesn’t mean ‘what I do’ changes, but the starting point does. And that’s what becomes a fine line in everything that we do, are, become and invest ourselves on, being best for ourselves first and foremost which may be understood as a point of selfishness if you will, which I had quite a ‘reaction’ to doing at first, until I realized it was a matter of seeing how I had lived my relationship to words like selfishness, serving, ‘being an example for others’ and others that I’ll be opening up as I go with particular positive and negative charges to them.

I am aware that many more specially in this context of walking a process of self change might have a similar ‘design’ to the one that I have/had/am walking through which is where one kind of forgets about oneself and completely and solely focuses on ‘others’ and ‘serving others,’ at times even if that means compromising oneself in one way or another or simply forgetting to first do things for, by and as myself – and sometimes even going into guilt if one ‘dares’ to do things that are solely for oneself (!). So I found today’s interview released at Eqafe.com spot on describing this pattern and personality, along with a beautiful explanation on ‘finding one’s inner spark’ so altogether very recommendable:  Work, Work, Work (Rediscovering Your Spark in Life) – Quantum Systemization – Part 156

I find then that the whole point of ‘I matter’ has assisted me a lot to confirm what I had been pondering about for some weeks and it’s funny that this word ‘matters’ was popping in my head but I could not see anything further other than what I explained in my previous blog in relation to what matters, what is important, but never linked it to ‘I matter’ which is a necessary ‘click’ that I required to see that yes, I had in a way placed more importance on ‘everything else out there’ rather than focusing first of all and primarily on myself, because how can I in fact be a supportive example if I am missing ‘myself’ in the equation? If I turn this whole process into a semi-religious sacrifice where I believe I cannot enjoy myself and life unless everyone in the world gets to be in a good living position, how would I end up ‘living’ my life?

Well, I would be setting myself to live in an emotional state of misery and that’s definitely not what’s best for me, nor for anyone else if there’s an actual ability and possibility to be ‘the best’ that we can be for ourselves – and so invariably to others as well. I am aware this might sound a bit extreme but this kind of associations did exist within me up to fairly recently, very subtle but still there and it’s a point of morality as well about wanting to be a ‘good person’ that is ‘compassionate’ and ‘caring to others’ as a form of benevolent persona which I am aware now became a limitation to focus on things that I had then judged as not important, menial, shallow, not ‘supportive for the world’ and so, I was exiting in denial of doing things that I know I genuinely enjoy, which I came to at times be in conflict with because of seeing it as ‘menial’ – like doing what I actually trained myself to do, which is arts. Now I’m deciding to fully take that on again as a career path, which I am quite happy about but even this ability to write ‘I am happy about it’ to me has been a process, I initially almost had a ‘hard time’ embracing this decision and life statement yep! That’s how deep this ‘sacrificial sainthood’ pattern goes, yep almost like a nun really that ‘renounces to earthly pleasures’ and what I genuinely like doing for the sake of ‘doing everything for everyone else’ which is not the point at all.

And yes as I write that, man, a part of me wants to pop out and say ‘but no, you can’t!’ and that’s the thing! that’s the personality I’ve lived which can be equated in a polarized manner to that of a religious person in fact where there was a dimension of ‘I cannot enjoy myself, I cannot be ‘happy’ unless everyone else in the world is happy’ and so yes, denying myself the possibility and ability I have to fully live the words ‘I matter’ not only in the aspects I described yesterday, but in everything and anything I do or don’t do, to do it for and as myself and stop seeing myself ‘through the eyes of others’ which I’ve seen lately is quite a ‘biggie’ for me as well.

Therefore, I’m glad that I’ve been able to open this up for myself and I share it considering how someone else might relate to it –part of the principle of making myself ‘matter’ is to express and share, to keep track of myself in what I go discovering about me, my life, the way I’ve lived, the points I have yet to walk, change and fine tune. All of this is what I see is a key for me to step out of certain limitations as beliefs, ideas of ‘who I must be’ that eventually become what has been defined as ‘the religion of self’ as the personalities we’ve become, the limitations, the fears, the morality over the reasons why we do or don’t do things which stand as obstacles to us fully embracing, living and expressing as the matter, the life, the potential that is here as ourselves, that’s what the Desteni Process is about, so in a way learning to be ‘the best’ for yourself, as yourself entirely and then get to realize what that means when understanding the actuality of equality and oneness : )

 

Will continue to share as I go…

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Hollow the Priest

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


565. Comfort in Expression

Or looking back at my expression towards others before and where I’m at currently with it thanks to the Desteni Process 

One of the benefits of walking this process is the ability to realize to what extent our relationship to something or someone ‘outside of ourselves’ is entirely dependent on the kind of ‘self-work’ that one has walked. For example upon meeting new people or getting to be in contact with someone I met quite a few years ago for the first time, I saw how comfortable I was in the whole situation and I looked at the point of taking this ‘comfort’ for granted or in a way kind of ‘forgetting about the process’ that I’ve walked to get to this point of what I can define as ‘relatability’ towards other people, whereas before I definitely was the kind of person that would first analyze all the knots and bolts of the person and carefully assess ‘who I should be’ in relation to them and start molding or acting (manipulating myself) accordingly, usually in an attempt to be liked, accepted by them or sometimes to actually ‘shut down’ all forms of possible interaction, which I definitely had done in the past towards certain people as well in my ‘pickiness’ towards others.

I looked at how through understanding and walking the process of self-acceptance, self-expression, taking judgments back to myself and learning to consider others I’ve been able to be quite comfortable in what I deem would have otherwise been a somewhat ‘uncomfortable’ situation in the past, as in being too ‘unpredictable’ to the point where I have no ‘control’ over it and therefore being caught up in a series of fears and ‘what ifs.’ And that’s how I realized that this is not the case ‘this time around’ in my life and I even check myself to see if I am suppressing something or if I am kind of putting up a front or something but nope, there’s no ‘noise’ within me as I would call it, which I would have definitely experienced many times before when interacting with people in a close manner.

That’s how I got to see that through me having been working – and still continue to do so – with my judgments, ideas, beliefs, personalities, characters, suppressions, expressions and essentially ‘everything’ that I had lived as ‘me’ in the past and working on redefining and living the version of myself that I want to be, I’ve been able to definitely change the way that I relate to others and that it definitely stands as the person that in a way I always wanted to be, but I had ‘clogged’ that with a lot of patterns, fears, limitations before, which are all the points that I’ve been walking through these nine years of walking the Desteni Process.

I have simplified and made things like new relationships so much easier in my life, because there are no fears in the background or ‘noise’ related to judgments and even if they appear, I write them out, see them for what they are, establish who I decide to be instead of ‘judgments’ and live the expression, test it out and then see, ah it works! And keep walking to rather focus on living that which is here, it’s me expressing, comfortable, embracing yet continuing to observe myself in relation to other people and being aware of which other points I can look at, change, open up and also communicate to cross-reference my own experience.

I know this might sound a bit abstract for some, but it all has to do with the continued application of the Desteni tools of writing, developing self-honesty, giving myself the gift of self-forgiveness and the actual ‘second chance’ to live life in a different manner through establishing living words.  I’ve been able to see how cool and beneficial it’s been to be working on all the ‘nitty-gritty’ details of myself in order to pave the way for points of self-creation that I can face and work on now with relative ease.

I don’t want to make it all sound ‘too simple’ because what I am currently living and sharing is more like the result of several years of self-dedicated personal investigation, exploration, trial and error situations that I’ve actually learned a lot from and that I am very grateful for, because otherwise I would not be where I am ‘at’ right now.

In any case I share this as well for anyone that may experience walking this process as something that seems to have ‘no end’ or where one cannot get to ‘taste the fruits of the labor’ just yet, and I can say that yes it takes time, it’s not easy at first, it’s very challenging at times in terms of fears, emotions and the rest of ‘growing pains’ that come with it. But one thing is certain: one does get to see the results and reap what one has sown. This is nothing else but action and reactions, cause and consequence, input and output mechanics of this process which is also why I want to share how all the dedication, the consistency, the perseverance, the discipline and self-work that one inputs on oneself is a substantiation process that one may not immediately see in terms of ‘big changes’ right away; as with everything, it is a process and it takes time to even have a point of reference to ‘look back’ and see how one has in fact changed here and there.

I’m quite satisfied with myself at the moment in relation to that ability to be comfortable, stable, embracing regardless of ‘others’ or ‘the contexts’ and at the same time continuing to expand upon meeting new people or establishing new relationships, whereas I can see how ‘tortuous’ that was for me in the past. All I can say is that this comfort, ease and enjoyment is the way I’d definitely would like every person to be able to experience life and themselves as, because it’s so much simpler and even enjoyable. Though, of course, we cannot ‘jump right into the self-perfected version’, it’s all a process and that’s got a great reason for it as well: to understand and so take responsibility on how we created our limitations, our fears, our ‘flaws’ and the rest of obstacles for our self-expression in order to get to see and practice living in a different way, creating different habits and patterns instead the ones that we had been deterred by before.

I am also aware that I would not be the kind of person that would say ‘I’m quite satisfied with myself’ before, because of considering that it sounds a bit too self-glorifying, but I’ve also learned to appreciate and recognize myself, my own process walked here and being ok with sharing more of the practical results than only the problems, which I sure will continue to share as they emerge in my life experience. But for now this is a self-appreciation note and an encouragement for anyone that might be reading this and might be caught up in a very emotional or turbulent time in their lives where it all seems like having ‘no way out’ or being about to ‘give up’ on yourselves. Hold on, there is a way through, keep at it, be consistent, don’t allow your fears to deter you, push through it and you will eventually see the benefits of developing that self-will to keep walking this process and continuing expanding and developing self-honesty. As it has been said many times, it isn’t easy, nice, fun, pretty or beautiful at first, but what emerges from that ‘gruesome’ process is definitely worth-living completely.

What comes next though is expanding my ability to continue sharing more of this process and assisting every other person I can to get to realize this for themselves as well, so if you’re interested, check out the Desteni Process, it’s the best life investment you can ever give to yourself.

Thanks for reading.  

 

Relatability

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


554. Reverse Engineering Inner Conflict

Or how to walk through a point of anger or blame and see through it towards self-responsibility in one’s life creation

As I was organizing some files and doing a general cleanup in my computer, I saw some documents that I had written out over a year and a half ago where, there was this experience of being ‘stagnant’ and ‘stuck’ somehow in a point of creation in my life. What I find interesting is how upon reading it, it reminded me a bit to a conversation I had a few days ago with someone that was having a similar experience to the one I wrote out at the time.

In the document I wrote for myself, what I closed it off with was simply to remain standing, to keep breathing, keep walking and not seek for ‘ways to hide away’ from my experience. So even if I didn’t have a clear idea of ‘where to start’ getting untangled in my experience, there were basic aspects of self-discipline and consistency to keep myself going and walking regardless of this overall sensation of stagnation or a temporary experience of ‘losing my ground.’

Now that I can look back at the time, I can see how I created such stagnation with certain decisions and points of creation in my life that at the same time now that I walked through them and saw what I was initially ‘aiming’ at with them, I can now stand up from it, learn from it and take the essence of that period in my life and share the ‘ways to walk through it’ for others that might find themselves also in a temporary experience of ‘being lost’ or ‘feeling without a way through’ which is something I’ve been quite familiar with in the past and I have to remain humble and remind myself of having walked through these situations as well, which at the same time enables me to be patient, considerate, humble and flexible with whoever is experiencing something similar in their lives.

What I can now realize is how the experience of stagnation didn’t really ‘go away’ by itself, it was an actual decision to get to be truly self-honest about myself and my experience and make decisions that could create a distinctive change in my reality and therefore in who I am as my choices and decisions. What do I mean with this?

Many times we like to blame anything and everyone we can for ‘the way we feel’ or ‘how we are doing in our lives’ – I’ve been there and done that in terms of blaming money, the system, the place I live in, I’ve blamed the perceived ‘lack’ of something, blaming the people I would share a house with, blaming other people’s ideals and desires towards my life, blaming my decisions, blaming my partner, blaming the past… and the list could go on and on. But it is quite interesting that whenever we are experiencing this ‘stagnation’ or feeling ‘stuck’ we don’t dare to really investigate on the things we actually are aware are the point of self-compromise in our lives. We know it because we are the ones within our own minds, bodies, life on a daily basis, yet we like to look away and always look towards ‘the outside’ as ‘the point’ to change or to blame or to see as the solution.

What went on in my case is actually walk through a point of creation until its ultimate consequence, and by that I’ve also learned to not see it as a ‘wrong decision’ or ‘mistake’ but more like a point of creation that could not stand the test of time, which proves that there were some ego points, energy points that I had to walk through and test out to see for myself what is essentially ‘of life’ and can stand the test of time as my creation, and what was ‘of the mind’ as a point of creation that led me inevitably to an experience of stagnation, of ‘not moving forward’, not expanding and what’s even most frightening is that in the writing I explain how ‘Well, it’s my point of creation and I have to stick with it’ but I did not consider changing it or challenging my decision, choice and point of creation, but more like ‘I’ve made my bed, I’ll lie in it’ type of situation where yes, I agree on the aspect of taking responsibility for one’s creation but at the same time to not be rigid or limited in believing that I cannot change my decision, that I cannot stop a point of creation and expand to another or that I have to ‘marry’ a particular line of creation and stick with it forevermore.

I found it quite interesting how there is a sense of ‘resignation’ that comes along with ‘sacrifice’ as self-victimization in reality, where I believed that I had to ‘walk this path’ and there was ‘no other way’ but to now stick with it because: I created it, I chose it, so I walk through it all, which I essentially did until a point of consequence as an unsustainable outcome came to create an end to that point of creation.

But I did question as well how much I was willing to give a continuation to my own acceptance and allowance of an experience within me that I knew perfectly well what it was linked to, but still, I didn’t challenge myself, my ego, my desires, my self-interest enough to actually see the point that was ‘bugging’ me and was right in front of me all the time – and what happens then is that this experience of dissatisfaction, stagnation, a general ‘stuckness’ in one’s life can become like a constant anger or resentment towards anything and anyone or ‘life’ itself – instead of actually having the guts to look back entirely back at ourselves to see how it is our own self-interest, our own  ego, our own fears, desires, personalities or ‘woman in the red dress’ matrix style keeps us from actually being self-honest and so daring to reverse-engineer our experience and trace it back entirely to where we made certain choices, decisions within a starting point of ego, compromise, desires, seeking a particular experience or point of ‘fulfillment’ in separation of oneself and what do we get according to the input-output? Dissatisfaction, separation, losing one’s ground, loss of ‘identity,’ losing track, believing there’s ‘no point’ in anything in this life… but is it really so or are we only creating an emotional experience to not have to actually face and confront the nature of the decisions, the choices, the paths we’ve decided to walk?

Self-honesty is always a punch in the guts if you will, at times it is the least pleasant thing to do, yet it is also a momentary experience because once that you dare to do it and walk through it and stand your ground when it comes to sticking to one’s living principles, one may walk through a temporary storm and it might seem hard and arduous or never ending – but there will be a way through if we actually remain self-honest in making decisions, choices and actions that reflect the principles that are best for life, one’s life and that of others – and this is not determined by anything else other than action, reaction – input and output.

So, here it is a personal reminder of how whenever I get to experience myself ‘stuck’ or in a point of ‘stagnation’ in one way or another, I have to ‘reverse-engineer’ my experience and Dare to see that which I in fact know is the point of compromise, where I am not wanting to ‘let go’ of something that I am aware is compromising so that within that, I can prevent myself from veering and going towards ‘blame’ and ‘anger’ towards anything and everyone in the world, which can manifest as any form of giving up, seeing no point in continuing walking this life and process, losing one’s ground or seeking a form of validation and reasons to ‘keep going’ from others, which is an equal point of compromise because it is only self that can decide to stand up, clean up one’s act, straighten up one’s decisions and then see what happens when one does that.

All I can say is that, we determine the magnitude of our consequences, we determine how ‘far’ we allow something to continue going within ourselves without a direction towards change in self-honesty. Therefore, whenever blame comes, whenever anger comes what do we know? We are actually angry at ourselves for not doing what we deeply – or sometimes ‘on our face’ – know and are aware is our point of self-compromise, and the more we don’t change it, the more the emotional experience increases, because deep inside ourselves we know we could change things, we know we could make different choices, we know we could be standing in a different position than the self-compromising one we’ve taken – so this will all last as long as our ego lasts in any form or way. And with this, it’s not to see it as a very damning process either, because how else would we know which points we are still being ‘held by’ in ourselves, by who we are as our mind/ego if we didn’t have the direct reflection of our choices, our thoughts, our words and deeds as the experiences that we create towards ourselves – and others – as a result of our self-dishonesty.

A fitting saying is  ‘we do it to ourselves’ really, and so that’s how we are always the problem and at the same time the solution. My suggestion is to not get completely blinded by the experience, because ultimately it is a way for us to hide from our responsibility, from our self-honesty – but to rather face it and confront it, as Sunette said in her vlog ‘take the bull by the balls’ really because it does take guts to stand in that place/point or position that one may have wanted to ‘hold on to’ but that at the same time, might be the one point that was keeping a hold to one’s expansion and development in one’s process – only we can know what such point is and all I can suggest is being courageous to see for ourselves what it is and do what is necessary to align oneself back on track to the path of living and expanding in self-honesty.

Thanks for reading

 

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549. Being Physical

Or how to embrace the potential of who we are in our physical body through stopping the participation in our mind’s noise

Continuing from 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

This is the last word that I listed in the blog cited above wherein I started looking at all of the words I had separated myself from and instead approach them seeing ‘who I am’ in relation to all of these words. So far I’ve seen where I have lived words mostly through energy/through the mind or personality systems and instead learning how to substantiate myself with a redefined version of the word, sometimes I’ve been opening up aspects of a word I haven’t lived yet, sometimes realizing how I have in fact been living those words, just not in the energy-based type of experience I perceived that other person to be living out, some other times fine-tuning the meaning of the words in relation to self-support. Overall it has been an enjoyable process of self-discovery and this last word is definitely a key one for me as well.

 

I’ve seen throughout my life as a woman how there has been this tendency to look at males as a source and embodiment of physical stability, being grounded, being solid and structural that I, defined as a woman, perceive myself to lack, wherein I can many times feel that my expression makes me wobbly and that I might be experiencing ‘waves’ within myself while a male seems to be very solid, at peace, quiet and ‘whole’ in their physical bodies. Now this is also not ‘every male’ to be honest, but some males I’ve seen wherein this is something that I can perceive it in how they act, speak, direct and exist from a moment to moment.

 

However, here I have to remind myself how all of this that I am describing is in fact coming from me and my own experiences in relation to this perception of someone ‘being physical,’ because! What I’ve also discovered through actually getting to know males specifically – I’ve seen how this can be more of a portrayal of a controlled-expression founded in suppression, wherein any form of ‘expressiveness’ is linked to ‘being feminine’ therefore ‘weak’ and therefore culturally being associated with a ‘lesser’ experience which is the kind of gender-based crap – sorry for the word but it is what it is – that we’ve collectively accepted and allowed, starting with my perception that it is only males that can be fully physical, structural, grounded and that I as a woman cannot ever  become that.

 

Sure, there are structural and multiple-dimensions to a man and a woman that of course create such distinction based on being one or the other – these I cannot change nor ‘rewire’ myself to ‘be like a man’ because that’s not the point here, but I’m looking at how I can integrate the ability to be physical and debunk that perception of stability, being ‘rock solid’ that many times is only a show for others while in fact, in the inside, one can be very anxious or fearful or experiencing anger that creates such ‘solidity’ more coming through as a tension in itself, etc. So, here it is about not validating appearances or how I can ‘present’ myself towards others, but instead how I can take the word and make it a reality, a substantiation process for me.

 

Being in the physical/being physical is something one hears a lot in this Desteni process where it is about learning to see the relationship that our mind-states have to our physical-bodies and the effect it has upon our body. Therefore part of this process is learning to change the way that we participate in our minds, to be directive in it and stopping the participation in energetic reactions that lead oneself to go into any high or low experience in our bodies.

 

This is definitely something that I can say to a certain extent I’ve been able to work with, which doesn’t mean that experiences don’t come up at all anymore – they absolutely do, and I have been quite aware of how I can ‘layer’ an energetic imprint into my body over repetition, meaning repeating the same fears or emotions in relation to something or someone over time to the point that they get triggered by a simple thought I may have related to that something or someone I’ve attached all of these fears or reactions to, and voilà, there one has a seemingly overwhelming experience that I have created all the way through my own participation in it.

 

This is an empowering realization as well because I am no longer perceiving that these energetic experiences swirling in my solar plexus area are just coming by themselves or get triggered out of ‘nowhere,’ nope, we are the creators of it all the way and fortunately here we have the tools and ways to walk through these reactions in order to embrace our physicality which to me means being in the physical body, breathing, not participating in useless thoughts that lead to fears, reactions, expectations, judgments, opinions, and the rest of things that create a separation towards reality, which then causes us to live more ‘in our minds’ than actually embracing and existing as the physicality of our body, standing equal to everyone and everything in our reality. This is much easier said than done of course.

 

As one gets more in depth into one’s awareness, one can get to see how much we are in fact constantly assessing, judging, constantly having an opinion, a preference about something or someone, how many fears we might be participating on in an underlying manner, how many of our actions are motivated by fears or desires, how much we are constantly living in the past or the future – and the list goes on.

 

So, I am aware of how this might seem overwhelming at first, but the reality here is that we have the actual choice and ability to decide to continue living as these ‘broken records’ with all of those experiences being detonated within ourselves over and over again or, we decide to learn how to stop participation in them through understanding the root and cause of our experiences, which is in essence one of the foundations of walking this Desteni Process and something I’ve been practicing for nine years now, resulting in a great point of self-support for me to the extent that I sometimes get to forget how anxious, how fearful, how insecure or how ‘all over the place’ I once was, and this is also more easily said than done, because it does take dedication, diligence, patience, practice and perseverance to get to a point of physical stability as well, though it is of course completely worth it.

 

So that’s the point for me to look at here, physical stability which interestingly enough I can link it to being at peace within myself which comes through a process of ‘sorting out’ and creating solutions to whatever I am experiencing – therefore being physical, being grounded, being rooted, being anchored, being clear-headed when moving in my reality, when making decisions, when interacting with others becomes a reality.

 

Interestingly enough I’ve been able to improve my ability to ground myself back into the physical in relation to emotions, considering that was one of the ‘biggie’ points in my reality, though I consider I haven’t been as diligent in terms of grounding myself whenever I see that I am ‘elevating’ myself or getting ‘high’ in a particular perceived ‘good’ or positive experience, which interestingly enough I also refrained myself from even opening up because I had considered I didn’t have many of those or was ‘ok’ around that kind of situations. But lately I’ve seen how I can get carried away in moments where I perceive there’s an opening of expression with others and that’s where I’ve usually gone into the comparison – specially with some males – about this whole ‘me the wobbly expressive one’ vs. the sturdy ‘physical’ male, at least as an initial perception.

 

Here I’d like to focus on being physical and rooting myself whenever I am getting ‘carried away’ in a point of interaction with others and suddenly ‘lose my footing’ which involves getting into an energetic high of sorts, that may come through something as talking too much, being louder, laughing a lot and starting to get a jittery sensation in my body. I’ve explained how any energetic experience is not cool for my body, it’s ‘icky’ and sometimes headaches ensue or any other physical discomfort due to the load of ‘stimulation’ I create for myself, so here I’ll walk some self-supportive self-forgiveness to ground these points for myself.

 

I forgive  myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in comparison towards males that I have perceived as solid, stable, peaceful, mild-mannered or ‘refined’ even in their behavior wherein I have seen myself being ‘in awe’ towards such expression, perceiving that I cannot be like that because I tend to be more ‘bubbly’ and so feel ‘wobbly’ within myself, which is an energetic experience in me, therefore I realize that in order to be physical, I have to ground myself back to my body whenever I am first reacting to and comparing myself to males specifically that I’ve defined as ‘peaceful, solid, stable’ and ‘physical’ wherein I’ve created a sense of inferiority towards that which I see only exists as an idea, belief and gender-based experience I’ve separated myself from, because I’ve seen for myself how I can in fact be more stable, grounded, solid and peaceful once that I stop participating in any form of judgment, reaction, opinion, expectation, comparison or belief about myself or about others that invariably leads to a polarity-experience within me towards others, which is the actual cause and source of me going into this ‘high’ or instability.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live equality towards males that I’ve defined as rock solid, physical, stable,  grounded at least from how I perceive them and instead have gone into an inferiority – or in-fear-iority towards them – instead of realizing that I can integrate those words to be lived by myself when in the presence of people that I may perceive as solid, peaceful, stable and physical and being males specifically wherein instead of going into the ‘inferiority’ or perceiving a ‘lack’ within me in relation to how they express themselves, I can remind myself I can live the word physicality as a focus on breathing, on seeing the other person as an equal, on realizing that whatever idea, belief or perception I might create about them being ‘more’ than me exists only as a belief and perception in my mind. It’s not at all about ‘them’ even, but how I’ve programmed myself to react to these words and expressions in separation of myself, therefore

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the words physicality, solidity, stability, grounded and peaceful within me in all contexts, specifically when being interacting/ face to face with people or males that I can perceive as rock solid, immovable, ‘untouchable’ even and perceiving such state of being is ‘unreachable’ for me, instead of seeing that it is actually very much existent already here within and as myself, as my physical body in every moment of breath that I decide to take on and be aware of, and stop participating in whatever idea, belief or perception I may create towards others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate from the experience I’ve seen in cats and perceiving myself more as the playful dog in awe of the stoic cat – lol – where I have also defined my enjoyment and appreciation for cats based on their firm, slow, quiet, stable, precise expression that I’ve also seen as very much being ‘independent’ and all of these being words that I’ve believed I can’t ‘live’ for and as myself, but instead would usually be drawn to or be attracted to people that I perceived to be this way – where I also have to remind myself to not trust my perceptions or what I may ‘pick up’ in another’s expression, because all of it is coming from myself, my frames of reference, my experiences, my perceptions and in no way does this imply that there is a reality to it – because I cannot really be in someone else’s shoes other than through getting to know them and communicate with another to see who they really are behind their presentation and façade and what they are in fact experiencing.

 

Therefore I can only focus on myself and living this word as an expression of me wherein I don’t go making assumptions about others or focusing on others’ experiences and then compare who I am in relation to them, but where I can look at practically practicing being physical in moments where I am tending to go into a comparison of being ‘more or less than’ another in a moment, or where I get nervous in the presence of another seemingly being very stable, at ease and peace with themselves and perceiving that I am ‘at loss’ or ‘in fear’ of that, which creates the unsettling nervousness towards another,

Instead I can remind myself that I can live that solidity, that consistency, that stability and grounded expression whenever I allow myself to take one step back in those moments and simply not jump into the ‘train of thought’ but remain grounded, breathing and learn to observe, to hear another’s words, to slow down within myself so that I can in fact stand equal to my body and therefore as everyone else’s physicality that can be present or around me in a particular moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief and experience of feeling unnerved when being in the presence of particular males that I’ve defined as stable, solid, grounded and ‘earthed’ ultimately, believing that they are in control in themselves – and I am not – lol which is in fact an interesting thing to do because if I focus entirely on myself, usually who I am before seeing ‘the other person’ as a trigger point I can be quite calm, stable, solid within me and it’s only upon me participating in an assessment of another person and judging them as ‘superior’ due to appearing grounded, physical, stable and at peace within themselves, that I get into an unnerving experience, I start feeling ‘weak’ and clumsy or extra-expressive at times and this is mostly a reaction, again referencing the playful barking all-over-the-place dog that is jumping around the stoic cat that doesn’t seem to flinch at the dog’s expression. 

 

This is all of course still my perception of the cat being ‘less expressive’ or something like that, I cannot really know what their actual experience is, but I take the visual reference for me to realize I can also practice slowing down within me by not going into an ‘assessment’ of the other person or participating in judgments of how I ‘perceive’ them, but instead focus on myself, not on others, on being stable, grounded, calm, at peace within me when interacting with others, and stopping my judgments towards them.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself being ‘at loss’ upon facing and interacting with someone that seems stable, physical, present, calm, at peace within themselves to me, which I can simply use as a reminder to precisely take those words back to myself, to live them in equality – not based on ego, not based on ‘suppressing’ myself or putting up a ‘superior’ front anymore – but based on my ability to breathe through the swelling of energies, to be able to stabilize through becoming aware of the totality of my physical body and so focusing on myself and others at a physical level, who we are as equal beings, who we are in our words, stopping the usual ‘reaction’ within me of ‘compensating’ my perception of being unable to be ‘grounded and stable’ by becoming overtly expressive and instead allow me to be observant, to be calm, to slow down within myself, to focus on my breathing to remind myself of the physicality I also am and take things easily.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to separate myself from the word ‘physicality’ or ‘being physical’ as in being stable, grounded, consistent and defining it as something ‘superior’ to myself, which is only me as the mind perceiving that such words are ‘unreachable’ for me – when in reality they are here already existent in potential within me, I simply have to stop focusing on the ‘superior and inferior’ assessments and focus on the physicality of myself and others in any given moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still unconsciously allow the experience of myself being defined by gender – as in being a woman – and bring through experiences linked to perceiving a male as ‘superior’ to me, wherein I then separate myself from our living-equality and tap into the design, the programming and gender-based roles that we’ve lived for our entire human history.

 

I realize that this is indeed a set of patterns that have been ingrained beyond my awareness, however now that I am aware of it and I understand where this ‘inequality’ between genders comes from, I can assist myself to integrate and embody the words that I had perceived only ‘males’ could live in a natural manner for themselves – such as physicality, stability, grounded, structural, being at peace which are all words I can integrate and live as myself as well, which in turn will assist me in diffusing this gender-based perception I’ve lived out throughout my entire life without having questioned it to this level and specificity before, due to believing that ‘it’s just how things are set-up’ and not going any further than that.

 

Now I realize it’s entirely up to us to see what we accept and allow as limitations, as self-definitions and any other form of polarity that a difference in our physical bodies as human beings – being males and females – has contributed to create within ourselves, while in fact I realize I can live those aspects that I’ve seen mostly in males and integrate them within myself at a being level, beyond being a human physical body defined by a gender – without me falling into the trap of wanting to ‘be like a man’ – it’s not the point either – it’s about being a woman that is no longer separate from the potentials and capabilities of men and women to integrate into my life if I see them as supportive aspects or words to embody and live in my life.

 

For now this is the point I’ll focus on and what’s coming up for me in relation to physicality, but this is by no means the only extent of this word that I’ll be looking at, considering how this is only one aspect, one layer I’m focusing on changing or fine tuning within me, but this word ultimately relates to this whole process from consciousness to life in self-awareness, to living life in the physical, to birthing life in the physical and as one can see it is not as easy as simply ‘stating it,’ but one has to actually go through the ‘deprogramming’ and ‘reprogramming/rewiring’ process through living words and creating new sets of acceptances and allowances to live words that are supportive, that we can develop ourselves further with and in turn this becomes a way to expand in our lives, as life, and continue working on it until it is done.

 

Check out the series Quantum Mind Self Awareness to learn more about the interrelationship of our minds with our physical body

 

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


547. How to Live Humbleness

 

 

Today I’ll write some self forgiveness to see what I haven’t yet lived and applied in relation to humbleness and the specific and subtle aspects where I miss out on living this very relevant word for me.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the consideration of every person’s living context, abilities, skills, life experience and the rest of patterns and habits that create who each individual is wherein I can approach each person with a set of eyes that is devoid of taking ‘me/myself’ into consideration only, but learns to see and get to know an individual for who and what they are in their own creation, as an individual that cannot be measured in ‘better’ or ‘worse’ type of values, but an individual that I can learn to approach and get to know through time and developing communication/getting to know a person, and learning to see who they are in the moment – not based on their past, not based on ‘ideas’ I’ve created about others – but entirely focusing on their words, their actions and deeds in the moment wherein I stop comparing ‘who they are’ to any sort of ‘ideal’ I create about myself or others in a certain situation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a differentiation between myself and other people based on a perception of skills or abilities – instead of realizing I can in humbleness use my skills, abilities and do whatever I am capable of living and doing in order to assist others if they also want to assist themselves in improving certain skills, supporting themselves in their own life wherein my humbleness approach is then not based on wanting others to develop ‘the same as me’ or ‘become like me’ but it is about me learning to assist another to sculpt themselves, to polish their strengths and strengthen their weaknesses where I can also learn to know an individual for who they are, devoid of ‘more’ or ‘less’/ superior or inferior contexts, but learning to see people the same way that I see trees or parts of nature that I’ve learned to not compare to one another – because that’s a humble approach to life and to us living beings that are worlds in ourselves and cannot be ‘measured’ in any value-system way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself, my life to a set of perceived ‘skills’ only wherein I can instead be humble in realizing that those ways in which I perceived myself as ‘better than’ others are a limitation, because in reality I want to approach people from a genuinely equal stand point wherein I learn to quiet my ‘analyzer-mind’ that tends to quickly judge and ‘gauge’ people, and instead be here hearing what another person has to say, to learn to take in their words, their deeds as who they are in the moment without judgment or appraisal – wherein I can stand equal to them in that moment and simply share myself if I have something to contribute to and if not, be ok with simply being there getting to know an individual.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to live humbleness in my overall approach to people and how I see people where I can use my skills and ways of living and how I can be focused in the details of things and be specific with myself in order to assist others to learn to do the same for others – so that whatever I see is a potential to develop within myself and others can be shared and so instead of me defining myself according to a particular set of skills or abilities, I can use them to assist others and in doing so expand self’s potentials to live in a supportive manner if I see in common sense that is beneficial for everyone involved.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a subtle arrogance and superiority towards people whenever I’ve allowed myself to go into an impatience towards others, instead of realizing I can use my own skills and place them into application to be patient, to be humble, to be considerate of another’s pace in life and process, wherein I then use this skill of being meticulous and detailed in order to get to know others better and continue challenging myself to be able to place myself in their shoes and see how it would be best to assist others as well from their stand point and considering their current ‘views’ and stance, wherein I can apply humbleness as in stopping seeing ‘through my own eyes’ and learn to see from where another is and what they are experiencing because that is what I would like to develop as a skill that it actually becomes an interesting challenge for myself, to be ‘self-less’ when approaching others in the context of getting to know them or being in a context of providing assistance and support towards them.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to use this skill of ‘being aware’ of myself in order to also be more aware of other people, their lives, their context and learn to fully embrace them in who they are without any judgments, without being exigent or over-analyzing others’ situations and experiences, wherein being humble means reminding myself about my own process wherein I know what it is to feel ‘lost’ in my mind and having a perception of seeing ‘no way out’ wherein I can learn to breathe, be stable, relax whenever I am getting frustrated or desperate in relation to seeing repetitive patterns in my life that of others and in consequence of our own reality loops that will continue existing as such until I decide to stop justifying my impatience and reactions towards ‘repetition’, and instead live humbleness as the consideration of each one’s pace and living process which may or may not be like ‘my experience, ‘ but here it is to stop comparing myself to everyone else for once and for all because that’s the real essence of humbleness.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see how the notion of specialness exists as the core of separation in our minds, because when applying humbleness towards one another, we learn to consider each other’s lives and minds completely without any judgment, without any ‘value’ attached to it as more or less or inferior and superior – and this is the essence of equality of learning to see with a new pair of eyes wherein I can stand next to a person – not above, not below – and learn to see who they are through their words, through their body language, through their presence and be ‘self-less’ in that moment so that I can stop comparing myself to them or creating an idea of ‘who they should be’ in that moment, but learn to see in innocence as if I was there for the first time facing them and their situation.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the ability to see things always as if it was ‘the first time’ that I approach a context or a situation in relation to walking a process with another person, wherein I can let go of the judgments I’ve created towards others and who they are and instead approach them anew, each time, so that I can then learn to approach a person from their current reality, instead of holding a ‘profile’ of another and myself towards them from the past and so recreating the past which is what I have to stop doing in order to embrace the moment, the current reality as is without judgment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an exasperation and impatience towards other people instead of considering that it is not about ‘others’ that I create an experience but about my own relationship to ‘others’ existing as judgments and piled-up experiences that I have to first sort out within myself, wherein I can apply humbleness as a first point of letting go of any assessments and ‘qualifications’ I have tended to project onto others and instead be humble in how I operate within myself, wherein I can learn to see myself in others in whichever phase or context they are in and stop referencing ‘back to myself’ to decide ‘who others are for me’ and instead learn to see ‘who they are’ for what they are and do – and that’s it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to exist as elitism in the past wherein through not wanting to get to know all kinds of people I would in fact limit my ability to get to know and appreciate other humans that are also myself and so I was preventing myself from living equality. Whereas currently that I am more focusing on living this equality, I am able to be more open and initiate conversations with others to get to know them and I do require at the same time to do so in full equality instead of subtly going into the ‘I know better’ or ‘I know what kind of people you are’ wherein this becomes a limitation in that moment, so I have to focus on being detailed, specific and quite diligent in stopping my own assumptions I can create towards people even upon a first conversation and instead learn to see them in innocence, without judgments, without ‘qualifications’ of any kind, but be there as a physical being, not a mind-being.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live arrogance as the set of identification of my ‘intellect’ as something superior to that of others, when in fact this same apparent ‘intellect’ becomes the very set of programming that I have to now debunk within myself in order to learn to truly live the word humbleness which cannot be tied at all with knowledge and information, because being humble means fully approaching something like a child would do, without any perceptions, ideas, beliefs, notions about myself or another – and in this, true equality emerges where I learn to see another individual and myself for who I am in the moment, instead of re-loading the plethora of memories, ideas of myself that I have recreated as a mind-set of patterns that I am aware is not supportive. Therefore I want to approach people in innocence and humbleness wherein I can stop any quick assessment related to values, perceptions, ideas, beliefs and push myself to see myself and others for who they are in the moment, regardless of what went ‘before’ them or myself, and so live in the moment assessing reality, not holding on to ‘who I am’ as the past to approach people in this moment of reality.

 

I realize that living humbleness also means being devoid of definitions as particular perceptions of skills, experiences or ‘beneficial aspects’ within myself because that only exists as a notion in my head, and all that matters in a single moment is not who I am as all of that baggage of knowledge and information or tools I can use, but all that matters is how I stand in a moment in relation to a person, wherein I have to now be very specific in not recreating this pattern of superiority and inferiority that I’ve lived throughout my whole life in a very subtle manner, yet ever present.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be humble towards myself and so as an extension towards others wherein I can learn to see people as physical beings and assess who they are in the moment based on the words in the moment, their actions in the moments and be willing to ‘start anew’ each time with them, wherein I can use memory only as a reference of what I know of them, but not to hold that past against myself or others either, because this is not a humble approach to life, so I can be humble in approaching each one ‘anew’ which is in fact approaching life and others in self-forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that I wanted others to ‘see me’ in a different manner as in not placing myself as ‘superior’ or ‘more than’ themselves, but I didn’t realize how I was doing this towards myself and vice versa wherein we create the same patterns of superiority and inferiority in the most subtle ways that we approach one another – therefore I can live humbleness in ensuring that I am being completely equal to another in a moment, without ‘mind interference’  or ‘mind noise’ that judges, that criticizes and the rest of it, but instead be open, vulnerable, humble, considerate and caring in my communication with others, in my reading towards others and in my general interactions with other human beings no matter ‘where’ I get to interact with others or whatever the ‘context’ might be.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give any value to intellect as a point of ‘superiority’ when in fact, this is the very thing that cages us in values and perceptions we create towards everything in ‘consciousness terms,’ because life is not knowledge, life is a living and is a ‘blank slate’ approach from a moment to moment – it is only us as consciousness systems and beings that can generate such separation through our minds towards life, therefore I have to learn how to be life and stop the lies as ‘intellect’  – knowledge and information – from being any form of self-definition within me.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the consideration towards others in self-support, instead of having ‘diminished’ myself to experience problems and conflicts in order to be ‘equal’ to others in my past, instead of seeing how I can be a point of support and share towards others how we can be the better version of ourselves and tap into our potential wherein humbleness becomes not only a way to approach others and learn from them and take them ‘as they are’ but also expands into considering our potential, the creation of the better version of ourselves and this I can start doing by sharing myself and this process in itself of how I decide to stop defining me through knowledge and information and instead see how I can practically become a better living being in something as simple as how I approach a person, a set of information, a context, a culture, a conversation with a strange – any and all things are opportunities and points wherein I can learn to apply humbleness.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the ability to breathe through reading, listening to another or getting to be part of a conversation with people and learn to see others as their words in the moment, and not ‘hold others captive’ based on who they have been in the past, because living humbleness and consideration means approaching the moment as is without ‘baggage of the past’ – and this is also something to apply to myself of course wherein living in the moment means not reliving the same judgmental patterns within my mind, but be clear, be anew, approach the moment in innocence – yet with the experience of common sense and self-honesty as well.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the application of equality and considering others in placing myself in the shoes of another without the notion that ‘I am doing this to ‘reduce myself’ because that single perception of ‘reducing’ me, is coming from a form of superiority – therefore I realize that placing myself in the shoes of another is a true equal one on one, no more, no less and this I have to be very cautious and aware of when placing it into application.

 

I commit myself to live humbleness as the consideration of my process and every one else’s unique process and position in life wherein I cannot compare myself to anyone nor vice versa, because each individual is unique and having a very particular set of experiences and living conditions that I cannot at all ever cage into a judgment or ‘value’ of sorts – but only consider equality and consider the potential that we can bring out in each other if approaching ourselves in humbleness.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the ability to stand as and in the shoes of another, wherein there is no need to try and ‘connect’ but rather to realize I am them as well and I don’t have to connect through a personality with others, but I can learn to see directly who they are through their expression, and so being humble to get to know another for who they are in that moment and so over time without holding another captive to ‘initial or past memories’ created towards them, which are always not about ‘them’ but about how I used my mind to cage another in certain values and experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness as the understanding of who we are in our minds and so approach each mind, each person, each life without a judgment to it, wherein I can yes still see and understand patterns, see what another is experiencing but without adding it a judgment as a value of that being ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or ‘superior’ or ‘inferior’ anymore – but stick to seeing what is possible if one works on developing a potential, such as the process that it takes to develop self-honesty, learning to be ok with seeing the truth of ourselves, our flaws and be willing to be committed to work on those as part of our humble approach to life as well, because this means we have no limitation as well to do something and to give ourselves an opportunity to live.

 

I commit myself to live attention within myself in my interaction with others wherein I can be humble in my approach towards others and embrace them as equals, learn to see them ‘anew’ in a moment and so also be humble within myself to learn and practice what it is to live equality, which is being devoid of the gauging-mindset or set of polarity values that are separate and have no relationship to life – I instead can be living and embodying equality within myself so that I can ensure my approach towards the life in others is seen in innocence and common sense, considering what’s best for myself and them and the context and life itself.

 

I commit myself to learn to approach another person without any judgment of ‘who I am’ in relation to them, but instead be devoid of knowledge and information that defines me as ‘more or less than’ another, but be physical, be attentive in who I am in that moment and so who another or others are in the moment, because that’s the kind of embracing equality and humbleness that I want to live in my life and that I know will simplify the way I relate to myself and others, where there are no more ‘expectations’ or ‘pre-tense’ but simply living in the moment, as life and that’s the way forward for me. J

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


532. Expressing Self-Trust and Confidence

 

§  Continuing from: 531. Redefining Self-Confidence

 

Here I’ll apply self-forgiveness on all the points I wrote out in the previous blogs, in order to tackle my self-created limitations and for once and for all rather see the benefit of owning my creation as my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience hesitation, self-doubt and lack of confidence whenever I am having to make decisions on my own and have no one to reference my decisions with, wherein I have gotten used to always being able to have the approval or disapproval of others to then decide to make a particular decision in my life alone – instead of realizing that regardless of what others might say, I am the one that will ultimately live with the outcome of such decision and as such, it is ultimately a point where I have to learn to trust myself, which in this case means learning from making my own decisions, moves and choices and accordingly walk through them, not fearing making mistakes or going ‘the wrong’ way because that’s how I’ve found that I get to then define and fine tune my decisions, my next steps and next choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate what is really behind the hesitation, self doubt or uncertainty before which is in fact a fear of making mistakes, a fear of not really achieving my utmost potential – however I forget that such outcome as ‘best potential’ can only exist through practice, through making many choices, possibly many mistakes and walking many paths to then get to find ‘my expression’ wherein, in fear, I actually don’t get to truly develop myself because of existing mostly in ‘fear’ and as such in a constant limitation that leads me to be in a stifling position, ‘giving up’ in doing something out of giving too much weight on an outcome or the opinions on them, instead of realizing that I am the only one that is able to give weight – or a negative value – to mistakes, to attempts, to apparent ‘failed choices’ – and instead learn from it, stand up and do it all over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others’ opinions and perspectives on my expression in order to keep going or completely use them as a deterrent to stop my expression in certain ways, instead of realizing that a point of expression is to represent who I am in that particular moment with what I want to create, what I want to communicate to others ultimately and as such, there is no ‘right or wrong’ or ‘good or bad’ in it, but only a process of referencing myself, seeing how satisfied or not I am with it, taking myself into consideration and not looking for others’ opinions to decide to continue or not.

I realize that I have been my own worst critic as well so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be my own worst critic wherein I have defined what I do as not ‘good enough’ when I compare it to what others do/express and so, have allowed myself to use this judgment as a reason to completely give up on something and get into an experience of ‘what’s the use’ – when a point of expression is precisely about practicing, doing it as much as one can until one can create or build a point of self-trust and confidence in it, which I can attest is definitely a process in other aspects of my life, but interestingly enough when it comes to creative expression, it’s like hitting a wall and this is mostly based on others’ feedback that I’ve taken ‘to the heart’, instead of staying true to myself, referencing it with myself first and foremost.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in self-doubt when it comes to assessing ‘what to do next’ or ‘what could I change or improve’ wherein the actual fear behind it is ‘fucking it up’ – wrecking it, messing it and so apparently ‘lose out’ an opportunity to have created something that I could be ‘proud of’ – but in reality there is nothing that we can create in ‘one go’ and have it come out ‘perfectly’ at once, and I realize that this ‘perfectionism’ or the idea that I have about what I can be satisfied with can be a huge show-stopper to me if I dare to start over-analyzing everything and then concluding that it is not what I expected, or it wasn’t as I intended – instead of realizing that this is a process of self-creation and self-expression, it takes practice, will take time, will take several tries maybe, but the point is to persevere and not give up ‘trying’ or getting frustrated for not getting a desired outcome.

I realize the practicality of practice and perseverance in this, wherein over time and continuous practice I am aware we can get to be more confident in doing anything – and the same therefore can be created in any point of artistic expression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give judgments, opinions, positive and negative values to words in relation to any point of artistic expression to the point of using them to validate or disqualify what I do as ‘good enough,’ where deep down I know I can trust myself in what I see, but have ultimately usually veered to get others’ reference and perspectives, which over the years I’ve used as a reason to not keep going, but, this is entirely my own decision, my own process in reality that I cannot blame on anyone’s opinion, because it’s only me that has given it sufficient value/worth to make an opinion more important than what I decide to express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define confidence based on ‘doing something that is unique’ and so ‘special’ and so, whenever I started finding ‘similar work’ to mine, I sank into a pointlessness because of thinking that ‘everyone else is also doing it, so what’s the point?  When in fact, this is when comparison kicks in and so I stop seeing ‘the point’ when in fact, the point is myself, it’s about my expression regardless of what others do or not do or how similar it is.

Ultimately if I would measure anything I do based on how others do it, I’d be in a constant state of ‘giving up’ because ‘everyone else would be doing a lot of the same things I do anyways’ lol – when in fact this is about my expression, my development, my process, even regardless of the ‘final outcome’ but more so focusing on what I go learning about myself in the process as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for example diminish my photographs as something that ‘anyone else could have taken’ or something that ‘everyone nowadays can do with cellphones’ which I used as an excuse to give up on taking photographs based on ‘others already doing it,’ instead of rather realizing each one of those photographs were moments where I was truly focused in my reality and making a decision to capture something, it actually assisted me a lot to pay close attention to my surroundings in a constant manner, which I still enjoy doing yet don’t take photographs any longer because of thinking ‘what’s the point, there’s thousands of pictures with the same thing, nothing new’ where I then doubt myself even with the potential of taking a photograph because ‘others probably already took one similar’ – which again, if I expanded this kind of assessment to anything else, I would be constantly stopping myself from doing anything based on what ‘others have done already.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to doubt myself, become hesitant and ultimately feel ‘incompetent’ in relation to points of self-expression in arts because of going into comparison, believing that there’s nothing ‘special’ in my stuff so why should I bother? But I realize and have seen from others’ examples how people that stick to developing themselves and persist on practicing, eventually get to be quite confident in their creations – and that’s the potential that exists when we don’t stop to compare ourselves to others, but stay true to oneself, to the purpose of the point of creation which is ultimately of self-creation, where the result is only that, an outflow or a consequence of a deeper process that takes place while creating something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be focused on ‘a result’ within my expression, instead of considering the ‘who I am’ throughout the whole process, which ultimately is what is part of my self-creation that I’d like to develop and focus on, every moment’s decision and trusting myself within them, considering it all as a process to learn about myself, to learn about giving ‘shape’ to something and also to take responsibility for my creation where I am the one that is entirely behind it, and not any one else’s opinion or perspective on it – this way, whatever anyone else can say about it is an extra opinion, and not a defining factor that determines anything for me – but can only take it as a point of feedback for sure.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to discourage myself from continuing any point of self-expression based on my own opinions, judgments and expectations standing as self-criticism, that led me to then rather ‘not bother’ at all with it, in spite of how I see that when walking through my own veils of perception, I can actually enjoy doing it and I enjoy seeing ‘me’ in every step of the way and reflect it all back to what I am, where I am and who I am behind that one point of self-creation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have defined confidence in the past based on reassuring or supportive comments made by others whose opinion I deem as important and in some cases having certain authority or superiority over myself, to then decide to continue or not doing something, wherein I then placed my expression, my perseverance in the hands of an opinion, a judgment and a perception – instead of having allowed myself to trust me in continuing to work on it, and stop my own backchat in relation to it, while focusing on the physical process of creation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to covertly blame someone else as the reason why I decided to not play music anymore, wherein I am the one that took another’s words and attitude personally and made it a reason, excuse and justification why I didn’t have to bother anymore with practicing playing music, and instead only focus on doing visual arts – eventually extending my own judgments to anything related to visual arts wherein I then stopped doing any of it at all because of believing how pointless it all is – therefore, there is no one to ‘blame’ for this. This is essentially something I did to myself and so I can only now stand up from it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take an opinion, a judgment, a perception as ‘truth’ – when in fact the truth is who I am in every moment of creating something, the decision I make and their outcome – which means when I decide to stand all the way in every step of the way, that’s where I see I build self-trust and confidence in relation to ‘the outcomes’ because then I am certain that this is something I created for myself, by myself, without any pretense other than expressing who I am, which is where I want to develop my strength as well, instead of taking ‘what I believe others will say’ into consideration, which is not really about ‘others’ then, but about myself not limiting me by all of that. .

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive that ‘I didn’t enjoy making art any longer’ when in fact, it was the series of judgments, perceptions, opinions that I allowed to take precedence over the creation process of me-expressing-myself, and so that’s where it became tiresome, unbearable, causing more ‘stress’ than enjoyment – and it all was because of how much I gave value and worth to judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear’ not having any other point of reference for my creation, wherein, I believe that I cannot ‘continue’ doing something unless I get any form of feedback from others – and in such situations or contexts it makes sense, but when it comes to artistic expression, it is truly the one point where I am the one with the ultimate and only say, because it is a point of expression that cannot be judged as ‘good or bad’ and this is also why I also started resisting to do anything related to arts, because of how ‘ambiguous’ it would be through my judgmental eyes in terms of being unable to define it as good or not based on ‘others’ perspectives’ but ultimately, this is where I have to be the one that stands through in it all regardless, doing it as my expression, which cannot be ‘contained’ in a few judgments of value.

I commit myself to continue practicing building, consolidating and densifying my ‘confidence’ through artistic expression – and any other point of expression for that matter – where I can learn to trust my decisions, walk a point of self-creation all the way and ultimately ‘own’ my creation regardless of the outcome, learning from it  and trusting myself in my ability to learn and stand up from mistakes, not being afraid to making mistakes but rather reminding myself that’s the way to continue moving forward in any point of creation, to persevere, to be consistent and to not allow judgments, opinions or perceptions about it in my mind to deter me from continuing.

This is then how one gets to be comfortable in doing something, through practice and then ultimately that practice & repetition creates a solidity of it at a physical level, where there is a point of control and flow as well, which means being present, being directive yet not rigid about the outcomes, flowing with it yet being aware of the path all the way – and this is then what I can integrate as a physical expression of self-confidence.

Thanks for reading.

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


530. The Secret Behind Attraction

Or how to transform an experience towards another into a learning process that gets us expanding our lives instead of diminishing them

Back to my self-investigation and particularly focusing on relationships and specifically the attraction we can feel towards others and how to turn that back to self- to investigate what are we missing out about our own lives and self-creation when and while creating any form of infatuation, likeness or attraction toward others.

Now this topic is something I started actually writing out in my journal last week, however I recently watched Matti’s video on this same topic Social Media and Impractical Relationship Fantasies, which made me laugh a bit because I have been working on a very similar point – different context yet same outcome. In my case this ‘attraction’ was towards an artist that I became aware of some 2 years ago and upon watching a documentary where he was featured talking and sharing himself doing his ‘day to day’ activities, I got to perceive certain aspects of his expression that I found myself creating a form of attraction to, and I have to be honest in the fact that I’ve watched several interviews with the same guy because of liking his expression and getting to see how he ‘views the world’ so to speak, which frankly it’s not something I even agree with entirely – however it wasn’t so much about what he stands for or how he views life what I was focusing on, but rather his overall presentation and expression.

Over time what happened is that even while being in a relationship, the image of this guy would come up and not in the lovey-dovey type of infatuation, but more so as an expression that I did see myself desiring to see or experience in my life, which means whenever I would see ‘his picture’ coming up in my mind, I would at times kind of embody certain attitudes that I liked about him, which may sound strange but this is not such a defined and refined process to really keep describing, because I didn’t get to apply this fully over time and wasn’t taking this investigation seriously before.

It was only last week that I saw myself again ‘veering’ towards the image/expression of this guy and that’s the time where I decided to take on this point and I started making a list of all the words/aspects I perceive that this guy represented as that kind of expression that I wanted to be or become myself.

Here I am skipping one aspect though for context and in case you haven’t checked out Matti’s video. What we’ve realized in our self-awareness process is that whenever we find ourselves ‘attracted’ to someone it is in fact indicating aspects that we have separated ourselves from, words we haven’t yet lived for ourselves, it indicates expressions that we see or perceive others are living in their lives that we can enjoy and instead of seeing ‘hey how can I become that myself too?’ we respond with a ‘desire’  in ourselves – which yes I’ve also written out before in sounding the word ‘these-i-are’ or desire as in we are or can be what we desire from others.

However the usual way to interpret this experience is creating a mental-‘connection’ with the person, such as desiring a relationship with them or creating an infatuation or obsession about them, when in fact we could instead redefine that to be a set of aspects that we can integrate into our own lives if we see – of course – they are best for our lives and for others as well.

So, here are the words that I’ve essentially ‘separated’ myself from living as myself and some others that I’ve kind of gotten to integrate a bit but not yet fully. Now it is also convenient to say that these are my perceptions based on what I’ve seen of him throughout these interviews and documentaries where he’s featured where I’ve gotten to perceive these words coming through him and it is very cool to instead of having this ‘undefined’ experience towards someone and just dubbing it ‘attraction,’ be able to write out the exact words that I can instead look at within myself and see practical ways to live them myself.

What came up is confidence, passion, comfort (in solitude), self-enjoyment, transparency (no pretense), comfortable in their own skin, authentic, seriousness, funny, creative, expressive, simplicity, adaptable, humble/modest, physical, dedicated.

So, here the point is for me to look at each of these words and establish ways to integrate them and live them for and as myself. This is the way to actually stop creating obsessions, ideas, beliefs about others based on what we only get to see of them either through ‘social media,’ or interviews as in my case, or even if it’s someone you interact with on a daily basis. Before even jumping into the notion of a relationship, it’s best to ensure that one’s approach to that person – in the case of it being a realistic and practical situation – is not coming from a ‘desire’ towards the person because of them representing all of these points that we desire to have ourselves, and so wanting to ‘own’ such expression through ‘owning’ a person in a relationship, which is completely the wrong starting point to be in any relationship to begin with – whether partnership, friendship or else.

It is also very fascinating to realize to what extent we have prevented ourselves from getting to fulfill ourselves, to be who we really want to be and become and learn from others to live words that we perceive others are living – and instead we fall down into the trap of ‘relationships’ and desiring relationships with others based on an idea of us being able to also benefit or ‘have’ such expressions through being in a relationship with another.

It’s not even necessary for me to say that of course it is not so and we are only prone to become addicted, dependent and completely ‘bound’ to someone because of perceiving that another is ‘fulfilling us’ in all of those aspects and words that we haven’t yet instead taken the time and effort to write out and live for and as ourselves, which is what I’m about to do so that I can stop my almost – not almost, actually – 2 year type of ‘image in the mind’ kind of infatuation that would come in ‘waves’ every now and then, and I simply minimized it, didn’t pay attention to it, I reduced it to some kind of infatuation – when in fact I’ve actually found these cool words that I can now work with now for myself.

Another important thing to mention is that everything that I can perceive about another is precisely just that: a perception, a belief of who others are and also not all the ways in which a person presents themselves might be a genuine expression either, though that’s up to each person to align and fine tune within themselves – that’s how the only point I can a certainty of is on the words that I can redefine and live as myself in a genuine manner for my benefit and that of others as well.

The key word for me to start of debunking my own apparent inability to develop these words for myself is ‘admiration’ – where it is in fact implying that I am seeing another as superior, as more than me, as ‘beyond’ my reach – and yes in this case practically speaking definitely not realistic to even conceive a ‘relationship’ nor would it be the right starting point for me to pursue any of it even if ‘possible’ – however I can definitely apply self-forgiveness for this ‘ad-miring’ or ‘seeing another as more’ based on how I perceive them, forgetting all about our equality and oneness wherein another being represents potentials of who we can also be and develop ourselves to express if we so decide to work on it.

In this case this guy’s life and context is of course completely different to my own, which means it’s not like I’ll become ‘him’ in any way lol, but rather adapt those words based on my own context, life and living purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘admire’ another human being for the qualities, words, aspects that I consider they embody and that I have believed I cannot live and integrate in my life, which is a massive point of limitation considering that any other human being is an equal to myself and that I have the potential of being able to develop these aspects/words that I’ve seen in others and work on integrating them, living those words and aspects in my own life, according to who I am and what I am dedicating myself to be and do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in inferiority whenever I have accessed the notion of ‘admiring’ another wherein I am placing someone else in a pedestal, making them ‘superior’ to myself – therefore making myself inferior by default– and at the same time believing that if I was to ever try and ‘be like them’ I would not succeed, it would not come out the same way and therefore, I would have to simply not even try to learn from them. Which is also another limitation here because it is not about copying attitudes or ways of living from others, or doing exactly ‘what they do’ in order to be fulfilled and satisfied within ourselves, it’s about taking those words, aspects of them that we can integrate in our very own lives, in our context, according to our day to day experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that those aspects I have admired of another are ‘intimidating’ which is in fact representing more of the energetic reaction that we perceive as ‘feeling attracted’ to someone else feels like, where we are in fact reacting, not knowing how to ‘relate’ to certain expressions and so what comes up is fear, intimidation, feeling ‘less than’ instead of realizing that this intimidation is something I can change from ‘being in fear’ to rather embracing another’s expression as ‘another me,’ an expression embodied in an individual that will certainly not be ‘like any other one’ because it is futile to compare ourselves or anyone to others; as well as considering that this expression is something that I can integrate, adapt and fine tune according to who I am, my principles, my individual expression, wherein the other person becomes only a reference of how it is possible to live certain words, yet not making them an absolute guideline for me to ‘be exactly like that’ but more in the sense of expanding my own expression and potential into all of these aspects and see how I can create myself with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse seeing the potential of certain words and expressions in another and define it as an ‘attraction towards another’ instead of realizing it is in fact a reaction that we create to forever separate ourselves from living such potential as ourselves, on our own lives.

This means that from now on whenever any form of ‘attraction’ emerges even in fleeting moments towards apparently ‘unrealistic individuals,’ I still can simply direct myself to make a list of words that I’ve identified the other person with and work on them myself, and that’s the way to bring the points ‘back to self’ instead of lingering for a long time with a certain idea of desire or ‘attraction’ without any resolution to it.

So, I’ll continue opening up these words and seeing how exactly I perceive I am ‘not that  yet’ and how I can work on integrating them, living them as myself according to my life and individual context.

 

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


526. Who Are You Today? Asks Life

What I’ve been noticing more in the past days is how whenever there are points of change in our lives, an opportunity to face new patterns, behaviors, habits opens up at the same time, because change always means stepping out of the status quo where new doors open, some others close and we see ourselves suddenly being in a ‘new path’ where we are there standing in a different position, which at the same time means being in places, circumstances, relationships that might be new for us or that we had not experienced for some time before.

These ‘new situations’ also open up ‘old patterns’ or behavioral traits that I thought I had completely ‘transcended’ within myself, only to now realize that I had simply stopped them because of making of another person, context or situation the ‘pillar’ of such ‘transcended point’ or change within me.

An example is in relation to self-acceptance and self-worth wherein I have had a time before where I was genuinely comfortable about it, then for some time it got replaced with the notion of being ‘accepted’ by others, and when this point of ‘acceptance by others’ got challenged, then I saw myself going back to a previous ‘default’ mode of believing that I have self-acceptance issues, just because of not having a reference as to ‘who’ is ‘accepting me’ currently – as perceived by myself. And it’s good that this opened up because I could see a lot of judgments, beliefs, opinions, perceptions that I had created as ‘self-definition’ towards myself in relation to others and this way, through self-forgiveness and being self-honest it enabled me to take all of those points back to myself, where I am no longer relying on others to live these words as myself.

This is an essential aspect of this process as well wherein sometimes we dislike or even resist or judge seeing certain experiences within us coming up again after believing that we had ‘transcended’ them completely, but we are the only ones that can stop the judgment and instead decide to embrace these eventualities that bring up these points again, because we will most likely face these kind of changes more than once in our lives, where suddenly what seemed like a point of certainty, stability, comfort and self-acceptance can be shattered or ‘burst’ as a bubble completely in one moment, and that’s where the only certainty is having to again check with ourselves and assess ‘who we are’ in the midst of that. If what emerges are old patterns of prejudices, inferiorities, emotional experiences, then what do we know? We’ll have some stuff to work on to align those points back to ourselves, hence the analogy of ‘peeling the layers of the onion’ being applied to this process because that’s how it goes, we’ll face similar or the same patterns according to various contexts and life situations, all of them there on our plate to face them and change ourselves as needed.

It’s only common sensical to do this, because by now I am not conceiving this process form consciousness to self-awareness as a ‘once off’ point of application and believing that I will be transcended about one aspect or points within myself and my mind for the rest of my life – it’s not so. This process is more like a constant process of regular check-ups, alignment and correction within oneself, just like our bodies function where if we once get sick of a flu and we manage to overcome it and strengthen our bodies to be back on track, it still doesn’t mean we won’t ‘ever’ get the flu again.

The same applies to points in our process that rear their head from time to time again, which I am also learning to grateful for, because it’s life pushing us to see, check and ask within ourselves: who are you in the face of having ‘this’ point of stability, self-acceptance or sense of ‘certainty’ shattered? What remains of you if a person, situation or context that you’ve defined as comfort is suddenly no longer there? What do you require to change and integrate as living words within yourself to stand as all of those words for and as yourself, instead of living them ‘through’ something or someone else?

These are the benefits of change and stepping out of a status quo which we can also do through exploring who we are in relation to any seemingly ‘subtle’ experiences we get throughout our day and that’s also stepping out of a ‘comfort zone’, to use these tools of self support to investigate ourselves, our minds, our starting points – wherein there’s no need for an actual ‘external change’ to happen as a form of consequence in order for us to ‘wake up’ and see who we are in it all.

This process of seeing ‘who we are’ in relation to something or someone can be done as a regular preventive measure so as to ensure that we are not defining any aspect of ourselves in relation to something or someone, such as relationships, money, a job position, a particular set of intellectual or physical skills, a particular health-condition, shape and condition of our bodies, amount of knowledge one can have about something, etc.  And that’s how we can then ensure that we can ‘know where we stand’ in the eventuality of having our environment, life situation or general status change in our lives in a relative fast pace.

What remains is always oneself here and that’s what I consider is most valuable in this process where we can take all of the bits and parts we have separated and scattered around in ‘others’ from ourselves and instead look at ensuring that we are our very own source of words to live as an expression of ourselves, as a whole, as one and equal with the life that is within us all. To me these are strength, stability, assertiveness, self-worth and self-acceptance, no matter what.

Thanks for reading.

 

Suggested interview that can assist you in opening up similar points to this:  Are You Impressed: Impressing Self – Atlanteans – Part 463

 

La Ilusión de este mundo es nuestra realidad

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


523. I Don’t Want To Bother Others

I’ll share some extra perspectives on a cool topic that Cerise and Joe opened up in this video ‘I don’t want to be a bother’ about this pattern or habit some of us have in terms of going into a personality of ‘not wanting to bother others’ or ‘take their time’ when we are facing something that would use a cross-reference or support in order to have a second pair of eyes or ears to hear about our situation and considered ways to create solutions.

In my case this has opened up more so in terms of not wanting to ‘take other people’s time’ and then believing that I’m not really worth their time and I should not even bother to ask for help or ask for a time to talk or anything like that, which I have been working on because I was specifically doing that for a long time in my life where I became sort of a ‘mother’ to my friends,  always ‘there’ for others, always being their ‘kleenex’ to cry on or their punching bag at times as well – figuratively speaking – and me believing that I had to always ‘be there’ for them – but when it came to me even daring to open up my own experiences and share myself, I rarely did because I perceived that ‘they didn’t want to hear it’ and so I would go into suppression, which means not talking, not opening up my experience, not wanting to share because of going into a pattern of ‘what’s the point, they don’t care, they won’t listen.’

This became quite a mess because then one becomes other people’s ‘canes’ to walk as I have described before as well, and it’s a very compromising situation where one believes one has to be ‘the strong person’ that is always there for others, as if we didn’t need others to be there for us in an equal manner from time to time.

So, lately I’ve been looking at the kind of outcomes I created in my life based on decisions and choices I made that I took ‘pride’ on for having done them entirely by myself, not cross referencing to anyone at all and kind of just ‘going for it’. At the same time it became a learning experience as well,  I can only learn of not having been honest with myself in demanding myself some clarity about the whole ‘plan’ and being willing to see what kind of emotional experiences or situation I was at the time and how in this belief that ‘I should not bother others with my situation’ or ‘I should not even bother to make a call’ or ‘I should not take their time, I can handle it myself’, it is in fact a point of ego that is unfortunately a common thing for me to do, instead of being aware of the support that I can reach out based on the same principles that I apply and extend to others coming from me at the same time.

But, what did I do instead of ‘reaching out’? I went into my ego and even if I was very much ‘in need’ of a second perspective about my decisions and choices, I didn’t do any of that and went on my own with it all, resulting in a point of creation that could not stand the test of time because the starting point of it was flawed in terms of ‘who I was’ at the time.

I had to then face my own point of creation and its outcome, where I had to see that who I had become at the time was more of a ‘victim’ of a particular experience, such as feeling abandoned or loneliness or ‘not worthy’ of other’s time and in doing this, I spent quite some time without really opening up what I was going through to anyone, which resulted in me making decisions based on this experience of being able to ‘do things on my own’ which looking back, could have prevented some consequences if I had cross reference or opened them up at least with another person that I am aware I can trust in their judgment.

So now that it has happened, I can only learn from it and prevent myself going into thinking that ‘I can do this on my own, I can decide by myself, I don’t need to bother others, I don’t need others to reference this’. The outcome is that I ended up in a way spiting myself, because I am the one that had to walk through and live with my creation and be there ‘all the way’ in it, even though I knew that I could have probably done things differently if I had opened up to others and cross-reference my situation, my starting point simply to remind myself of my self-honesty.

See this is where the network of people that are walking this same process at Desteni becomes so relevant as well, where there’s a set of buddies that are there to support back those that are also applying the same tools and process. And this way one knows that another person or your ‘buddy’ will be there as a cross reference of one’s self-honesty, it’s really that simple, it is not like anyone else can make decisions for you or tell you what to do, but through the basic ability of sharing and opening up an experience or a phase one is walking through in one’s life, and getting some basic points of cross-reference from another to be a guideline into self-honesty, common sense and self-responsibility can make a huge difference in our lives, and that’s also what the Desteni Process is about, because it’s not easy at times to see one’s own ‘flaws’ or ‘points’ to look at, and that’s why the support in it all is so relevant and invaluable.

However, if one has such support but still doesn’t reach out or open up to really lay out what one is going through, then the consequences ultimately are our own to take and walk through.

In the video that Cerise and Joe share they explain how this ‘I don’t want to be a bother’ experience is more of an addictive experience in fact, where one stands in self-victimization, self-pity as a way to not have to take self-responsibility. And that’s why for example in this process and the buddying system, it can be something one tends to resist to do, because one is already very caught up in the mind and resist reaching out and explaining the situation because it would mean one thing: we will actually be reminded of our own responsibility, our own creation to take care of and simply be reminded of our ability to see how we created the whole thing from start to finish and take responsibility for it – either to prevent it or to walk through it if it’s already done.

At the same time, reaching out also means stepping out of self-victimization, self-pity and all of the emotional turmoil that this experience of ‘I don’t want to be a bother’ comes with – all of it being a pattern playing out in an attempt to hide from one’s self-honesty and self-responsibility. However I have proven that it’s not others that we don’t really want to bother, but we simply resist having to get real with ourselves and change, that’s the bottom line.

Another aspect explained in the video and that I agree with is more of an implicit experience in this pattern of ‘not wanting to be a bother’ to others, is how we disempower ourselves by judging ourselves as not good enough to ‘ask for support’ or fearing ‘wasting others’ time’ or ‘being a burden’ to others – and this is precisely something that I have done and experienced, which yes, implies that one is existing in a point of inferiority in relation to ‘not being worthy’ of being supported or being heard by others or reaching out for help when one has already exhausted all possible ways to support oneself.

So here in my case it was a fine line between not wanting to ‘depend on others’ and ‘reaching out – which has been cool in the sense that I have for the most part focused on getting to the ‘bottom’ of my experiences and stand up from it myself, but the reality is that referencing with others such processes and outcomes/results and decisions can be supportive to confirm and reassure our common sense and self-honesty.

Therefore I do say that this is not about turning this pattern of ‘not wanting to be a bother’ to being all the time asking for help – not about that, but about reaching out and sharing, cross referencing as one goes standing up for oneself, working through the experiences using all the tools we have at our reach like writing, self forgiveness, self honesty, self corrective statements and practically living them out as living words that we can then work with and play out in reality, cross referencing with others what works, what we’ve done to assist ourselves, what we are still struggling with even after walking all of these points – and that’s where the communication with others also becomes more resourceful and expansive, rather than becoming dependent on a particular person or point of support in order to always be ‘sorted out’ as well.

Therefore what I see is the key within this all is to be self-honest with ourselves, to be willing to admit where we are going into an experience of ‘not wanting to be a bother’ yet at the same time being in an emotional turmoil where one has tried many things and ways and still not getting ‘through it’ – that’s where it’s definitely needed to reach out because there might be something that one cannot ‘see’ alone, but with the perspective of others one can get some clarity on the way forward in changing oneself in a particular pattern or situation based on our creation, which means that yes, one has to be also willing to see things as they are, in our truth because that’s what this is all about.

Sometimes seeing our truth might feel overwhelming, despicable, ugly, difficult to accept or be simply horrified by it, but these are all judgments that we can also learn to self-forgive and remind ourselves that we can always decide to forgive what we’ve become and instead focus on changing all of those aspects that we fear realizing or seeing about ourselves. No one else can do this for us and that’s a key point here as well where one is in an experience of self-pity about walking through manifested consequences and then go into an experience of ‘I don’t want to bother’ = that’s where it becomes a defense mechanism of the mind to continue wallowing in depression, in excuses, reasons and justifications as to why one cannot stand up and so, it becomes a way to justify ‘why we are not changing’ which is not valid because it’s self-manipulation all the way, where we believe we are seeking some kind of sympathy from ‘others’ but in the end, we are the ones that live with ourselves in such experiences and with the outcomes of the decisions we make or changes we step into in our lives within such experiences – which means, if we are not clear and we don’t reference our decisions even though we know it could use another pair of eyes or ears to see or listen, then that’s ultimately up to us to again, own our creation and learn from it, see what one could have done differently and so prevent doing the same next time.

In my case it’s more of a point of letting go of a belief that ‘I know what I am doing’ or ‘It’s my life’ but those are definitely key words whenever they come up and so stop myself in that moment to rather deliberately look to cross-reference my proposed solution to a certain situation. That way, I also become more humble in my approach towards life in general, where I accept the fact that I don’t always ‘know’ what to do and that it’s a wise thing to ask and cross-reference, this way one also learns to consider other perspectives and it’s a way to expand one’s own array of possible solutions, so it’s a win-win situation considering the fine point of equilibrium: not to become dependent on others to ‘sort things out for us,’ and not go into an ego superiority position of ‘I can do this on my own, I need no one for it’ – but rather being humble to learn, take other perspectives into consideration and from there realize that yes, even if we get to reference with others, it is us that will ultimately have to live with our decisions and ways to sort things out, whether we take others’ perspectives into account or not, which is great as well! Always self-responsibility

Thanks for reading

 

Writing my woes out

 

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