Category Archives: self-relationship

643. Being Ready to Have a Child

 

 Someone asked me in my previous blog about when would one consider to be ready to be a mother? And at first I had no clue of what to respond considering that my decision to be pregnant was definitely not a conscious one, even though I may have been preparing the soil so to speak – which is my body/mind – to it, which I considered I did in a tandem where I focused on a process of healing from some of the most ‘challenging’ aspects of my past that I had been ‘dragging around’, learning to let go and in that, re-directing my focus and attention to myself, my physical and mental wellbeing. Well this became more like a point of focus this year, but I guess it really all started 11 years ago when I decided to walk the Desteni Process for sure and aiming to be a better human in general.

In conversations with my partner and some of our friends, they were pondering how come things seemed to come ‘so easy’ to us as a couple, where we don’t exist in what may be common for most couples like fighting, being in perpetual contempt towards one another and having a hate-love relationship essentially. Perhaps this is not the case for most people reading this, but, I’ve come to find how unfortunately common it is to have the kind of – as they call them -‘toxic relationships’ and how people do embark on – let me say it – daring to have children in that kind of relationship context. Well, back to the question they asked us, the answer I gave is that I had a lot of self-work to do before being able to be in a relationship in the current terms that I am in, that it didn’t come ‘easily’ as it may seem, and that I actually had to go through quite a few trial and error situations where I kept bumping my head against ‘the same wall’ so to speak, where compromising myself and ‘who I am’ would emerge in one way or another over and over again. Of course the problem weren’t ‘others’ but who I was as the starting point of being in a relationship.

The difference this time around is how I approached the person that is now my partner. It didn’t come from a point of desire or need, but more of a genuine getting to know someone that seemed like an interesting person that I wanted to get to know and understand, a curiosity in how ‘he functioned.’ My approach was of providing some support in what he did, which led me to get to know more about him, his life, the kind of ‘wood’ he has through our communication.  Another difference is that – because I wasn’t having any particular ‘interest’ or ‘hidden agenda’ towards him –  I was totally and completely myself – I didn’t have to pretend or portray or ‘handle’ things in a way to keep things ‘flowing’ – which I noticed he also did, like he does with anyone else.

As things progressed I also got to understand how this was a person with a strong character that would not allow much of my usual ‘ways’ in relationships which may end up looking like ‘I want to support you’- which in reality it meant  ‘I want to support you because I want to change you so that you can be the person that I want you to be for me in a relationship’ type of manipulation, which in the end of course is always self-manipulation, nonetheless.

This meant that I stopped trying to ‘change the other person’ or ‘hope they could change this or that in time’ or having things going on that I would just react to and suppress, because! These eventually end up smelling like rotten food that you can’t really ‘overlook’ as time progresses in a relationship – and sometimes, as it’s happened to me, because of not speaking up and letting things continue, one may create an engagement of sorts that then needs to be broken apart for the best of both involved.  That’s the kind of situations I’ve had to walk through and learn from in the past. So now being with a person that is mostly upfront and ‘whole’ in himself allowed me to tell my story as is, have no qualms about it and still find an embracing being that didn’t judge me for what I had judged myself for being like ‘multiple’ faulty decisions or mistakes, but instead embraced me completely.

When it comes to considering someone to walk your life with – and perhaps in consideration of that couple or partnership becoming a parenting team – this was certainly something new and a healthy approach to a relationship, having someone let you know that they only want the best for you no matter what I chose or did. And I did the same towards him. Perhaps this is a bit too personal but there is something quite worthy in someone that can tell you ‘I’m completely fine if you decide this is not for you, but if you are up for it, then I’m completely here for you and we can make it work.’ All the ideas and experiences of relationships I have had were created upon a need and dependency, me deciding to be ‘someone’s joy’ for example, creating a deliberate dependency by ‘giving’ or ‘being’ for another something that they weren’t living or expressing themselves yet. That’s where compromise exists and it is basically impossible to create such kind of dependency when you got a person that’s ‘whole’ within themselves, that have never had a desire for a relationship or wished to be ‘liked’ by someone or anything like that. That to me was something entirely new as a starting point in a relationship and seemed like a very supportive stance and person that I could learn from and also grow with.

I consider that even if this point of compromise is something that I still have to continue keeping an eye on, I’ve gotten better at it. I realized that in the context of relationships it’s easy to go into a fear of loss if one decides to do this or that, and when there’s someone that even though they love you with all their being, they let you know that whenever ‘this’ is not working out for ourselves to be the best that we can individually, that it is completely OK to let go and pursue that for ourselves, that, is something that definitely became a new thing for me to appreciate coming from the mouth of a partner, to no longer live in the idea of ‘bondage’ to someone, but to rather first honor myself. And this is precisely – perhaps – why I am getting to the bottom of this whole point in terms of ‘being ready’ for something, being in a supportive relationship, it’s mostly because and related to learning to genuinely CARE for myself and yes learning to LOVE and appreciate myself individually, first of all.  

One of the things I appreciate about my partner is that self-love and self-regard he has for himself. Some may see him as conceited because of this – I see it though how it is just ‘awkward’ for most people to learn to love themselves and how that translates not in fluffy positive self-talk, but actual actions, changes of ‘life-plans’, changes in one’s daily routine and in the way one decides to be better at whatever one does, doesn’t matter how seemingly ‘menial’ it is. I hadn’t had such example before to be honest, so to me this attitude ‘rang a bell’ wherein I realized how many times we place ourselves in certain relationships to ‘cover up’ or ‘fill in the holes’ that we believe ‘others have,’ so that there can be some kind of codependence formed. And that’s how each one fears end up leaving or losing each other in the end, because one is not actually ‘whole’ first individually.

Back to the chat we were having with our friends, my partner explained this point that I just got to here, that we were two people that were ‘whole’ and saw the potential of kind of working together, sharing a path together, we saw how we could make each other better with our specific skills and innate abilities, a complementing that becomes more of an example, a guideline, rather than ‘doing’ or ‘being’ something for someone else. The ladies in that conversation asked ‘But how do you get to that??’

My partner has his own specific ways which may seem way too ‘simplistic’ for most – to me it seems like it takes a lot of will, courage, drive and self-motivation to make things work, to adapt, to change one’s plans to also consider another- which are not simple traits to develop from the get go, but also not impossible. I shared how to me it has been a process of many years, many mistakes, many falls, many rather unsupportive relationship contexts that I had to go through in order to get to be where I am now. To learn to be ‘whole’ with myself, to be content with and by myself first and to then see how to enhance that with someone that could be in their own way ‘whole’ as well, someone that I can trust would be ‘okay’ by themselves and that there are no ‘knots needed to be tied’ so to speak.

Well, the last point is now different considering that we are going to have a baby which joins us in this journey together – and frankly really  happy about it being with him – and I also consider how somehow we were looking to do this together – or was in the back of our heads – but didn’t really accept it or admit it or thought of it possible. I’m sure it will bring many new challenges to ourselves individually, as a partnership and as a new family, but there’s also a trust in how ‘we’ve gotten ourselves this far’ in a relative short amount of time I’d say and so, we both trust each other that we can do this.

He was mentioning yesterday how it is actually quite the miracle that we can be alive here and today, and not in a fluffy positive way, but more like considering the state of affairs in the world and with life in general, how ruthless it can be, and how we basically can be grateful for what we are, and the opportunity we currently have to be alive and even more so to be preparing to bring another being into the world. I also considered this when I recently had my birthday and I made my Spanish podcast on that day and what emerged to share was gratefulness, gratitude for the life that I currently am, the life that I am bearing, the opportunity we have with our lives even if the world seems to be ‘upside down’, and to keep focusing on how I can ‘give back’ to life that has been given to me unconditionally in every single breath that we take – usually – for granted. This is what has emerged within me, a sense of wonder if you will of what I can get to be, of what we can get to be together as parents and how we can BE the Best of ourselves – as we are continuing to work on doing with ourselves individually and with each other – and for our little one.

Another aspect to share about is the ‘preparation’ that has emerged within this at a physical level in my case as well – well in my partner as well in terms of having better living habits, but that’s his story. As I mentioned in previous blogs, I started this year with the full decision to support myself at a physical level, which I honestly had kind of ‘taken care of’ but hadn’t really linked it to an actual process of healing from the things that were causing continuous deficiencies and sickness in the past year. So, I placed myself in ‘self-creation’ mode. I looked at developing a project based on what I wanted to focus on doing to support other people, then I started getting alternative support for my body like homeopathy and acupuncture, which at the same time led me to start going to Qi Gong classes that have become quite a source of physical support and integration of breath awareness along with physical movements, finally getting to actually be more aware of my body and slowing down, which is something I tried doing only at a mind level, but I was missing the body integration. The progress is definitely something one can notice after several months, but today it was quite enjoyable to do, along with the group of people that go there where we had a nice breakfast reunion after the session. I basically decided to create the time for this and I frankly don’t know why on Earth I was suppressing such desire to explore this kind of ‘exercise’ or more shall I say discipline, so that has been a change as well, to focus on physical support and wellbeing.

I also changed some stuff in my daily nutrition, I stopped taking some ‘mixes’ that I had been using supposedly to get a lot of nutrients from vegetables and fruits, but found out that they were causing a problem in my gut, so I started eating other stuff that I now see as more supportive when it comes to feeding myself. Interestingly enough I also diminished my drinking of coffee – the last ‘stander’ when it comes to my self-defined addictions, up to the point where I just couldn’t stand it at the beginning of the pregnancy and have stopped drinking it ever since. I started taking some vitamins as well which were also something I neglected a lot before to do, so as ‘small’ as this action can be, it became a significant difference for me – and thanks for the support to Ingrid S that also assisted with this. I guess the only constant physical support has always been walking, I wanted to start jogging again, so I also started jogging every now and then but not making it a ‘must’ like it was before, but more like listening more to my body when and as I saw it would be doable and up to the point where I wasn’t hurting my joints and it was genuinely enjoyable while it lasted lol.

The first three months were the hardest I must say. I don’t want to paint a horror show for any lady out there, but in my case I had to really slow down and barely went out of my house and yep that was quite a shock and difficult considering I’ve always been able to just go ‘wherever I want’ and have no limitations in terms of mobility. But it also prompted me to appreciate having more stability and feeling generally ‘well’ after that time to get back to walking, which I started doing bit by bit to see how I would ‘handle’ the situation – up to now that I can walk the usual length without a problem. And then I decided I wanted to swim. My partner gave me a membership to go to swim twice a week as a birthday present, and that was something that brought tears to my eyes, because I really enjoy swimming and this was basically a very supportive kind of gift that I am currently enjoying. I had been ‘desiring’ to get some swimming time for years, but I kept placing ‘money’ as an excuse or time as a constrain, which interestingly enough with the pregnancy, I have kind of ‘given myself permission’ to be more attentive of myself, giving myself the necessary care in many ways and yes, I have been pondering why I hadn’t done this before, for myself?

So, this is also something that I share because basically I see that I could have created this kind of foundation of self-care not only because of being pregnant and preparing my body to be a household for our baby, but because of being that household for myself first of all. I definitely want to pass on an example of self-care and continue with it in whichever measure I can once our child is born, because that’s basically what matters the most, that’s basically the foundation of who we are as individuals as well in this relationship and that’s the kind of message we want to give to our child too.

When sharing with my partner about this question I had gotten in terms of ‘when is one ready?’ he mentioned that it’s essential to be aware of being able to ‘handle’ oneself properly, like taking care of oneself, being able to be whole with oneself, being able to ‘deal’ with oneself effectively. I add to this having that foundation of self-support is essential, because even if what may come is generally uncharted territory, one can certainly stand in self-trust to be able to handle things as they come if one has already been practicing and applying ways to support oneself. In this regard, I rather make obvious the enormous support that walking the Desteni Process has meant for me in my life. I wouldn’t be here and going through what I am if I hadn’t gotten myself to support me through the Desteni tools and all the Eqafe.com supportive audios and by the people that are constantly there as a point of reference and support.

I basically wouldn’t have even understood the gift that becoming a parent can be, I wouldn’t even be probably pregnant because who knows the kind of decisions – probably not very good ones – I would have made in my life, if I had continued that pattern of self-compromise and following certain ‘ideals’ of ‘who I had to be’, which contained ‘zero’ references to settling down or forming a family. The latter only started becoming interesting to me in the past years when I began investigating more of my ‘programming’ in relation to how I would see myself in the future, and how that contained a lot of ‘garbage’ created through the kind of ‘culture’ I thought I wanted to be a part of. Now I’m kind of on the opposite track of that and actually enjoying it, which is something I never thought of doing or becoming, but hey courage is something one has to gather and decide to live, it’s there, just have to pull it through.

In the end, it’s also relevant to say that I wouldn’t have felt ‘ready’ for this – ever – because of the plethora of fears I had created around it and beliefs of ‘not being up for it’ or not being ‘the kind’ of person that’s ‘suited’ to ‘become a mother.’ All of it a bunch of beliefs that I decided to let go of because now it’s the real deal of it and yes, not saying it’s like an instant ‘switch’ where I changed my mind, I explained in my previous blogs about these fears and uncertainties, so here I am sharing mostly how I’ve changed my approach since then. I still get a bit astounded when feeling the first movements inside my belly and realizing wow, this is really REAL! Lol. I’ve also been essentially walking what I proposed myself to do in my last blog, embracing this all as a blank-slate, a blank page, a new point of creation and being aware of not ‘clogging’ it with ideas, expectations, fears and whatnot.

I’m taking it ‘day by day’ essentially and more like enjoying the self-support I can give myself, which I wish every single woman in this world could, because it definitely sucks that the majority are not able to have the time or resources to take proper self-care – physically and mentally – and because of that, well, we have the society that we have where many humans from the womb to the grave live lives of distress, lack, improper education and the list goes on with various deficiencies, which in turn become the society we live in. We definitely have to change that, and I realized that such change started with me, right here and right now, so I’m doing that and getting to enjoy it to be honest.

Now, as a general update, how am I feeling or doing? I’d say quite alright really, sure I am noticing a diminishing in my stamina and that means also being considerate and understanding of why that’s happening, and so to not judge myself for having to take naps or take things ‘easier’ – seeing it as ‘ugh I feel lazy’ – but rather reminding myself: I am creating/baking/growing a new being inside me! How else would I expect to feel? Also embracing the actual ‘shocking’ aspect that it can be to see your body get heavier and grow a belly that augments by the day, lol! That’s definitely something I still can gasp at when looking at myself in the mirror, but then, remind myself why it’s happening and how it is also temporary.

Perhaps one of the things I would change from the first months is pushing myself to move a little bit more around, being less grasped by fear of loss and try some gentle exercises and stretches, because I definitely became idle and that had an impact on me physically and mentally, so it’s been great to move a lot more again – but then again, as I reach the last trimester and baby bump grows, lol, new challenges will emerge in my mobility perhaps and other kind of preparations will take place, but, I’m up for it.

Another thing I would say to anyone that may have been similar to me in terms of being the kind of person that always said ‘no’ to having children or never really openly ‘wished’ to have children, to embrace the opportunity if one decides to go for it, to self forgive and let go of fears or beliefs of ‘not having what it takes’ – and instead replace them with creating or continuing to create and build a strong foundation of self support, so that no matter ‘what’ with the newness of this phase in one’s life, one can have that pillar of support in oneself, in that foundation of self-support – like to me it is Desteni and everyone involved in with whom I have walked with for over a decade – a supportive partner and a supportive family – if they decide to and are willing to be involved. In my case I’m quite grateful to have their support and yes, this is when one gets to realize how important it is to have others’ experience and willingness to help because they have gone through a similar situation. So, this is a learning point for me in terms of being able to ‘be that’ for others whenever I get to be able to do that for others too.

I understand that there may be women that are up for having babies without the father, or without the support of a family – and, well, that’s quite courageous, but I’d say even then, it’s probably preferable to find a network of support. Nowadays you can find lots of groups of people with children or willing to support each other in the absence of a partner or family, or because of work. So, yes there’s a way, perhaps I would be more wary of the point of deliberately choosing to not have a ‘father’ for a child, but that’s another story and I have no direct experience of any of it, so I will simply not go there here.  There’s always a way, so this is something that I’ve been keeping in mind ever since deciding to have a baby and yep, embarking myself in total uncharted territory here, but that’s part of life and in my life, I basically have had more of an ‘easy’ life so, I’m looking forward to it, because I am aware how it will become a catalyst for more changes, more challenges and I’m kind of looking forward for that, lol.

So to wrap this up, I guess that there can be a myriad of ‘ideal’ scenarios of ‘when to be ready’ but, ideals rarely come to exist in reality. So, I would rather boil it down to being able to be at a point of stability and having that foundation of self-support – physically and mentally speaking – and as I say ‘stability,’ it may seem elusive for some, but it is not, it does require self-work, and sure one cannot wait to be at a ‘perfect stability’ because that’s more like ideal again, but not necessarily a reality. It’s more about being at a point where you are mostly OK with yourself and not having major ups and downs in life… or who knows perhaps taking such a decision like having a child creates such ‘time-to-pull-up-your-pants’ type of effect where one then gets serious with being the best person that we can, I guess it can work in different ways with as many people as there exist, but these are some of my humble opinions, and who knows? I might be missing out some other essentials or underestimating the whole situation, but, that’s  also ok, I will find my way as I go, so that’s the current approach that I have.

This is all also in consideration not only of oneself – one’s life and one’s body – but about the partner that we joined our life with in a very physical manner that means a new being, a new life that’s to come, that’s why I emphasize on the importance of having a solid and supportive relationship as well as preparing one’s body to give the best support one can as a mother to a child – and the supportive relationship. But, I understand how that may not be possible for some, but whatever you can do and handle, make sure you are entirely ‘up for it’ with whichever may come from it all – this is relevant. Otherwise, there might be backtrackings, regrets and so forth – this is totally about learning to be unconditional for another being and that requires full awareness of what that practically entails. I can be preparing myself for that, but it’s only a concept for now, so I’ll see how it goes once baby is finally here J

Ok so, this is it for now. Nothing of what I share do I imply ‘has to be that way’ of course, I can only speak from my current situation and experience and ‘who I had been’ in relation to this topic, and who I am now as my new approach to it.

If there are any other comments, ideas, questions, suggestions, I’m all eyes to them.

Thanks for reading!

 

Please have a listen to these awesome audios on Eqafe.com about the process that Horses go through when being pregnant… it is a humbling lesson to see ‘where we’re at’ as human beings with our self-awareness when it comes to birthing a new being, hence the decision I also made to support myself to the best of my ability and to the best that my current awareness allows me to


  1. Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse – Part 1

  2. Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse – Part 2


  3. Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse – Part 3

As well as general support for parenting and relationships here:

 Pregnancy

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of creating yourself to be the best that you can be:


642. Pessimism and Embracing The Blank Page

 

As I briefly mentioned in my previous blog, pessimism has been one of the very ‘ingrained’ patterns in me that I’ve become more aware of lately since finding out I was pregnant. I have to say that I didn’t see myself as a ‘pessimist’ per se, but I was able to identify this way of being in me based on the feedback that I got from my partner as a way to describe my focus on ‘the worst’ of the early pregnancy experience and the fears and limitations that I would bring up in terms of how things ‘would be’ for the future and so forth.

This all seemed ‘normal’ to me and that’s where this point begins, because! I’ve seen firsthand how the same event can be approached from a very different perspective, one that sees the inconvenience of certain symptoms as part of creating something that will be a life-change in our lives. One that can see the ‘adding’ of responsibility as a catalyst for change and personal growth, one that can bring fun times even with the stuff I could define as ‘a hassle’ or ‘troublesome’ – yep, this rather constructive perspective is how my partner approached the whole thing and I’ve been certainly learning more from him and learning to see living potential in it all, instead of only focusing on all that I could define as ‘the bad’ which, again, is not the best of me that I want to cultivate, it is the worst of me that interestingly enough has resurfaced again, because! Yes, this is a ‘life changer’ situation and one that I ‘feared’ a lot apparently, so I faced the consequence of cultivating all of those fears for many, many years. But I’m also learning to let go of them as I go facing this pessimism in different ways and in some of the most ‘sneaky’ forms.

This ‘pessimist’ core programming certainly started in childhood and yes, due to other circumstances unrelated to my pregnancy, we’ve been opening this up with my parents considering that these same fearful patterns have been spilling out into the children of the family and causing some consequences. So, confronting the situation is serving as a preparation ground for both of us to get to understand how I got to be quite limited by all kinds of fears that were imprinted from a very young age by my parents and within that, us all getting to see how that is affecting the newest members of the family, consequently to understand how these patterns came to exist in us and how they are still having ‘a hold’ on us.

Here I perhaps point out something that is by now a ‘well learned lesson’ when it comes to parents and getting to understand and forgive the ways in which they brought us up, because they most likely also didn’t know ‘any better’ and they did what they could in what they perceived as a way to care and love their children.  In this, there are no ‘hurt feelings’ for how I was raised, I instead enjoy understanding the familial patterns to see where and how I came to be ‘who I am’ and within that understanding, take a more active role in being responsible to change those very things that I’ve seen have limited me – and are Still showing up as limiting in my experience currently when facing the point of becoming a mother, becoming parents.  

I have come to make sense of how this ‘pessimism’ is therefore rooted in all kinds of fears that led me to ‘automatically’ think of the worst case scenarios, ‘all the worst that could happen,’ and it’s been quite astounding to see to what extent I do this on an automatic and “natural” way – meaning, I wouldn’t necessarily see it as something I had to flag-point and become aware of, because I deemed it as ‘care’ or ‘creating a sense of security’ – which by cross-referencing it with my partner, are more like my own conditioning – meaning, my past being ‘brought forward’ to the present and even ‘into the future’ … and that’s exactly what we don’t have to do, but instead approaching every moment, every day as a blank page where we decide how to live and how to face situations or ‘challenges,’ and to no longer kind of predispose myself to ‘facing all the worst’ because, I’ve seen how prominent that exists as a ‘normal thinking’ in my mind, and it doesn’t have to be that way, I have to actually stop seeing it as ‘normal thinking’ when seeing that I’m actually considering ‘all the things that could go wrong.’

It all really starts at that level of accepting and allowing those seemingly ‘small thoughts’ to creep up, feed them – which means go into them, thinking about them – to spiral them out into personality patterns like ‘the fearful mother’ and! Well, I would not want to become that, but I also see that I may face these fears in reality in order to become aware of what exists within me, so that I can become aware of them and change them. How else would I become aware of them otherwise?

I really even once thought that it was a cultural thing to constantly be gasping and fearing for a child’s health and wellbeing… well, nope! It’s more like a family thing that I truly need to become aware of Within myself, instead of kind of only going criticizing it and judging it on ‘the outside’ which in all cases, indicates that there are points I am not yet understanding and so, not forgiving that exist within me as well. This means that as long as I am reacting to it, then, there is less of a possibility for me to actually acknowledge, understand and embrace it in order to see where and how that exists within me, so that I can direct myself in a more flexible, understanding and unconditional way, one that considers the moment, and the present as that blank page and stop ‘re-loading’ all of my memories and fears and past conditioning as a child in my own family.

I noticed this pattern even more so recently where I was looking at a future situation of how people in my environment and their character could ‘affect’ the child and within this looking at it already from a starting point of fear: fear of the child going through the ‘imprinting’ of fears and anxiety that I went through as a child based on interacting with these individuals. And I allowed that to go as far as seeing how we would have to possibly disengage from being around these people to attempt to ‘protect’ our child from that kind of ‘character flaws.’ So here again, realizing I’m still holding a judgment and a reaction, which certainly I allowed myself to be affected by, which in turn I feared could ‘happen to our child’ and then going into ‘wanting to protect the child.’

I realize that as long as I am judging, criticizing, fearing certain attitudes and types of ‘character,’ then I am not yet coming to see ‘who am I’ towards those characteristics and emotions in others so that I can work on stopping my own reactions, realizing that others’ reaction do still create an effect on me – and therefore the child inside – and that it is precisely there where I need to act and apply myself to simply stop reacting and understanding why I get to react to them, so that I can decide in self-awareness to change how I respond in those moments.

It’s very easy to deviate from the point of self-responsibility when attempting to blame others for their character flaws, their patterns, their reactions and thinking that ‘they have to change’ or ‘we just have to avoid them altogether’ instead of realizing how it is only myself that can change how I face those situations and that that will in a huge way determine and be an example of how our child can face, confront and walk through similar situations with people. So it’s not about wanting to ‘prevent’ problems –  because we create ‘the problem’ when reacting to others in the first place – but it’s about being an example of how to best face the situation with stability, understanding and focusing on solutions, not giving space to ‘react back’ to anyone, but to stick to what is practical and reasonable to do. Now this is where the real self-change is at.

This time around again it took a good conversation while walking with my partner to explain to him what I was seeing with this whole thing that I just explained above and get back to Earth about it. I saw how I wasn’t really going to get anywhere with the ‘getting away from’ or ‘avoidance’ plan, I was mostly also ‘trapping’ people in their ‘usual selves’ and assuming how they would behave and be in a hypothetical future situation, which is one of the ways in which we keep ourselves ‘trapped’ and limited in the same personalities, the same judgments of how we believe ‘we are and will be’ and don’t give each other that space and opportunity to outgrow our old selves. 

I also was approaching the situation from already assuming and determining how our child would interpret certain attitudes, voice tonalities, expressions as if he or she was going to already judge it as something bad, negative, etc. when in fact, there is no reaction that is pre-recorded there. It is mostly all learned from the environment and that’s where our role comes in. The example comes from ourselves as parents to stop reacting to others’ expressions in a positive or negative way, but instead keep an equanimity and discernment about things which will in turn demonstrate to the child that one doesn’t ‘have to’ go into fear, worry, anxiety or anything like that if someone else is demonstrating such traits in themselves. This is where the change of character happens, with ourselves as the examples – the rest is then learned from observation and imitation.

Within all of this, I also kept on  ‘scheming’ how to ‘go about’ with certain people or situations in life, where I would most likely end up trying to seclude our child from anything that I would be judging as bad, wrong, negative, destructive. Of course, here I am not talking about some kind of ‘extreme’ unsafe or detrimental environment, I am simply looking at character flaws, which yes, we all do have as well so in doing that, I was ignoring my starting point – which was fear – and not taking these judgments, expectations and future projections back to self, to see what we are now more equipped and have tools to go about facing the reality of the world and the people in it ‘as is,’ without wanting to sugar coat it for our child to ‘be safe from any bad influence’ – but, who determines what the bad, negative, wrong stuff is? I do, through reacting to it.

So, it’s a great point for me to look at and stop reacting in FEAR of ‘what it will do’ to a new being. I also discussed that with my partner and I came to see that ‘the other way around’ is the way to go, to expose the child to various kinds and types of people so that there can be a discernment formed over time about people and getting used to getting along and getting to understand – eventually – why some people are a certain way and make their own decision in how they go about with them.

All of these points have opened up as well in seeing how my family and I are used to handling kids. I may say I am working on ‘debugging’ myself from these thoughts, but in general there’s that sense of having to ‘be careful’ all the time, and having to ‘protect them from anything that could harm them,’ and trying to ‘prevent them from getting sick’ all the time and all sorts of paranoia that I notice has started to ‘kick in’ as the ‘mother/parent’ construct and I definitely can work on stopping it on its tracks at this stage.

Once that I ‘spelled out’ the point – which means talking about it – things changed – but! New points opened up like the ones I have explained here in relation to future projecting how ‘things could be’ – for the worst – and forgetting about rather focusing on ‘what’s here’ and supporting myself to be the best that I can in my day to day, rather than being up in my head fearing and scheming ‘the worst case scenarios,’ wherein I’m not seeing how THAT is actually causing fear and stress within me, which is far more directly affecting the being inside me than any other ‘person’ out there.

Now that’s more of an eye opening perspective that I need to have a clear awareness on, that’s my real responsibility Right Now. Whatever else happens and opens up in the future, as my partner said, then we will deal with it ‘then’ and look at solutions, but no need to start kind of taking the artillery out already and start seeing threats and problems everywhere where there are none for now. So I decide to trust myself in being able to face whatever may come our way with a new perspective.

Something else that assisted me to look at it from a different perspective, is to remind myself how many times whatever I may perceive as something that I could define as a limiting change or something that I fear having to do – yes, stepping out of my comfort zone – are usually opportunities to grow, to challenge, to develop ourselves further and approaching it from this perspective then takes the ‘mind away’ from merely focusing on ‘the worst’ and spending time on scheming only ‘in the mind’ what I would do in such ‘worst’ that is not HERE at all. It is a waste of time and as much as it might be just ‘ok’ to consider certain potentials, I do have to make sure I am not creating a predisposition to ‘all the worst that could be’ and feed that in my mind as if that is a sign of ‘care’ or creating some kind of ‘security’ for our child, because in the end the starting point and origin is still just: Fear.

I had also been worrying about how to go about these let’s say ‘out of the ordinary’ ways – in comparison to how things are ‘usually done’ here – which we are planning to apply with our child, which may stand in direct contrast with, for example, how other people in our family do things and how they approach their own children, etc. So in this, I also realized that there was that same fear of being judged or going through what I ‘went through’ when I started doing some radical changes in my life over a decade ago and I basically had to step-away from my family for some time, because I just could not really ‘get along’ with them.

What I didn’t consider back then is how I was reacting and judging them all the way, that’s what caused me to find it – apparently – ‘impossible’ to be around them, and this also came from a secret desire for them to do things ‘my way’ or ‘do the same process I was walking’ and in general just causing more and more conflict until yes, it was for the best that I simply stopped seeing them as often until I sorted out my own conflict projected towards them and learned how to Understand them and so be able to be around, know our ‘boundaries’ so to speak and still be willing to share and open myself up whenever asked or needed.

So upon realizing this, I have seen how this is one of those situations where I am projecting already ‘My own experience’ onto our child and this is quite the red alert as well, because this would be caused by nothing more and nothing else than my own prejudices, judgments, ‘loaded memories’ that would in turn surely would be super limiting and causing a new being to be conditioned by ‘MY’ experience around certain people. This means: the work that needs to be done is entirely WITHIN MYSELF, instead of starting to project onto others how I believe ‘things will be’ for our child based on my own past, which I now have to prove I can truly let go of – and embrace the blank page that’s growing within : )

Within this, then it was also supportive to have another one of those lengthy talks with my partner about ‘who I was’ in my family and how I came to single-myself-out from it and how I remained in judgment towards them as if that was ‘the only way to be.’ But, I realize that if I apply my own mindset towards the child, the actual consequence would be caused by myself, not by ‘others’ and that I would then be recreating the same problems and patterns I lived through for most of my life.

So, within all of this, everything of course points out to myself, to learn to be more unconditioned, to learn to see every new day as it unfolds as a blank page that we are freshly writing on and that each blank page does represent that opportunity to re-wire myself, to change the old programming of fears, worries, what ifs, pessimist attitudes and bleak future projections and instead, welcome the potential of the new phase that’s opening up. This means stopping feeding any idea of wanting to ‘save’ or ‘secure’ the child from certain things because, yep! That can lead to paranoia of not wanting the child to see the light of day so to speak, which is of course parental abuse as well. This is an exaggeration of course, but I’m playing it out this way so that I get to remind myself ‘what I’m doing’ every time that I go into my mind and start scheming things from a starting point of wanting to ‘prevent’ certain things and realizing it comes from a point of fear that I have to simply let go of.

How can this be practically done? By being able to self-forgive it out loud in the moment as it happens so that I can then lead myself back to realizing how this is not about ‘the child’ or ‘others’ but myself bringing up all of these ‘loose cannons’ as fears that I had not become aware of yet, because yes, this is certainly a new phase in my life and within that, there comes a whole new and uncharted territory that I can simply work with and face as I go with this kind of approach towards these seemingly ‘simple moments’ where I go into my mind and start fearing or future projecting some ‘worst case scenarios.’ That’s entirely possible and in my hands to do, and whenever I may ‘still’ see some of these fears as ‘very real,’ then that’s when I can talk them out, communicate them and cross-reference them with my partner and any other person that I trust their judgment on and create solutions – or simply get to understand a situation to then decide how to best act and approach it.

It may sound as if this point is quite ‘big’ within me, and it probably isn’t, lol. But I do like to in a way create awareness on it as if it was already a ‘big deal’ because it ‘could’ escalate if I don’t see it through this magnifying glass and understand what I am accepting and allowing whenever going into fears, judgments, prejudices, future projecting the worst and so on. Otherwise, I would go ‘brushing it off’ and I have seen the kind of ‘accumulation effect’ that we can create in our minds, where we then end up getting into a point or experience where things seem too big, too heavy, too difficult to change, because we allowed all those small moments of ‘feeding the patterns’ to go unnoticed – and therefore not taking responsibility for them – and that’s where I then go compromising my own standing and self-awareness.

So, all in all it has been cool to open up these points and even get to discuss them with my parents to understand ‘where’ they got those fears from, how they affected their lives with them and yes also get to understand that, to them, some may be quite difficult to change, but that’s where I also then have to see the opportunity that I currently have in my hands to ‘change the tide’ when it comes to those family patterns that have been already passed on to the younger kids in the family. It’s not like ‘they are screwed’ now, because there’s always the opportunity to take self-responsibility and later on as they grow, they also can decide to change – or not.

My point remains in reminding myself that the child to come is a blank page as well and that I have to be of utmost care to not approach that opportunity to raise another being with fears of ‘what runs in the family’ or ‘what has happened in the past’ or ‘what I went through as a child,’ because THEN I would most likely be conditioning all of that and imprinting that through my every move, voice tonality and interaction with the child.  I often criticize – judge – parents that see their children as ‘the problem,’ and still gets on my nerves to see how it seems impossible to look ‘back at themselves’ – as parents – to see that their child came into this world as a blank page – sure some genetics and so on – but most of who they turn out to be is determined by the environment – a.k.a. the parents, mostly.

I consider I am at a timely stage where I can create a big point of awareness within me of stopping projecting my own fears and what I defined as ‘bad/negative experiences’ onto a new being, and rather focusing on understanding my experience – which to me comes through nicely when communicating about it with my partner which always leads me to a resolution, a point of realizing where and how I need to be the change, while also knowing yep! Can’t create a ‘perfectly clear ground’ for another being and mostly being ok with the fact that I’ll face things as we go and that it is OK as well to make mistakes, learn through consequences, etc. Otherwise I’d go into control-freakism aaaand nope! We don’t need that either.

So that’s it, hope that this may be supportive for any of you, not only parents or parents to be, but anyone facing some of ‘the worst’ that exists in our minds in a seemingly ‘normal’ way. I would not have been able to bring myself through clarity without all the Desteni tools of self support and the invaluable self-supportive material available at Eqafe.com, specifically the Parenting series and everything else that you may find there as a way to understand our minds and so understand the ways that we can change that which we see no longer supports a new way of being and living, for the best, that is, embracing the blank page every day.

Thanks for reading!

 

Pessimism

 

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638. A Redefined Spirituality

 

 The following is inspired by the writings of a life  colleague –  as I am now deciding to define him – who shared a lengthy letter to me as a response to something that I wrote him in an intent to assist in seeing the blueprint of the points that I consider were veiling him from seeing through the steps to get back into an ownership of his self creation and self awareness,  which he has walked in his very own set of paths of ways – but interestingly enough, we have found each other having the same intent and purpose in our lives which we will be joining in an common project where we can share more of our personal experiences and processes with many more that might find themselves in the same kind of ‘holes’ in our creative processes that we have both acknowledged having been limited by in our creative paths of inner and outer creations.  

To give some context to this self forgiveness, this is a reflection of what I see of myself in his words and speaks to anyone that can identify themselves with being ‘a seeker’ or someone that seeks meaning to one’s own existence, to one’s own creation in many ways and paths and if not getting to live their potential, it becomes a source of emotional and detrimental experiences such as falling generally ‘ill’ in the form of lacking direction and purpose, being stagnant in expression, losing sight of the ‘bigger picture’ in life, being veiled by emotions such as dread, depression, sadness, despair and in a way blaming everyone else that doesn’t seem to care for life and the world as oneself as the source for our own apathy and frustration, not realizing we are ‘it’ ourselves too in living out that character of disempowerment and helplessness and victimization.

 To sum up, it reminded me a lot of the path that I’ve also walked and that it’s still part of me and I have not forgotten it, I just have in a way stepped out of the cocoon and see things quite differently now, but it is as if I am embarking myself in this new project and walking with him in this project in this phase of my life because our will was mightier than the limitations that we many times fell into, and I’m genuinely glad and happy to see him slowly but surely realizing these things and taking on his creative path again, which I recognize that I have to do myself in my own self imposed limitations as well, and it’s great to have someone to walk such path with, someone that understands the seemingly ‘similar’ kind of patterns that some of us ‘creative’ people go through, but many often give up half way and get lost in the midst of ‘the fog’ and don’t persevere enough to see through the illusions to remain ‘with the finger in line’ as he says, living one’s expression and will, despite the nature of everything and everyone around us as it currently exists, but being courageous enough to understand things at a deeper level and hold that little flame alive within us no matter what, and let each other know ‘hey I am here, I understand, I walk with, let’s work together’ which is quite priceless and unique to find seemingly ‘out of nowhere’ and here is to say as well that coincidences don’t exist, only what we determine ourselves to be and do which eventually takes us to where we need to be to fulfill that which we set ourselves to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep quiet and wait for someone else to make the decisions of what I should be and do and within that, diminishing bit by bit my determination to express and take responsibility for the decisions that I make and what I live in my life, which I realize diminished my ability to live me and bit by bit dried the flow of the abundant river that I have always been aware exists as me, as the life that I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself into experiences of despair and arguing for my limitations in neglect cultivating my own confidence and stance that has always been here as myself, it just got clouded by the emotions that became the comfortable way to justify not living the potential of who I really am as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of my mind my own obstacle that created shame, anger, despair, uncertainty and sadness which I realize is the way in which I now realize are the ingredients to create resistance,  which my mind creates in greed of energy and in allowing that, I stepped further and further away from actually getting to do what I know and have always been aware of is the truth of my being, what I can and need to direct myself to be, live and express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a comfort zone in remaining skeptical and not want to intervene in my own life in order to not have to take responsibility for myself, not realizing that this seemingly ‘comfortable zone’ led me to sink deeper in a hole where I alienated myself from my own wholeness, from my own power as the capacity to direct myself, to intervene in my own life, to decide to change if something wasn’t working anymore, to innovate in the way that I can decide to live me and within that acknowledging the work, dedication, consistency and will that it will require to create and live myself as the best that I can be. That’s what self-creation is all about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be-lie-ve the statement ‘nothing really matters’ as a way to avoid myself in taking action in all the things that I knew I had to take action on in my life to be and become the better version of myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have been in great thirst of knowledge and information in an attempt to find a way to change the way that I am and how I see and understand life, not realizing how I only inflated my mind with it, but I wasn’t really learning and applying how to really nurture my soul and being in the daily actions, words and habits that I realize I have to take action on in order to live the best of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately over complicate myself with theories, ideas, beliefs and philosophies which I realize may assist in our paths, but can also create new excuses where we miss out the common sense that always exists within ourselves, we just have to decide to let go of wanting to ‘seek out there’ and instead start getting to ‘what’s inside of me’ and write myself to see who I really am, what I really want to do, defining my purpose, defining my drive and take the first steps to do so in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know many things but not really getting to understand the steps, the process it takes to interiorize, to integrate, to live the awareness of the things I realized in my life. I realize it takes actual change, work and effort to live the words that I get through realizations.

I forgive myself that I had not accepted and allowed myself to realize how ‘realizing’ and understanding something invariably leads to the next step which is to take action on it, to not only be infatuated in an enlightening idea or momentary experience, but to embrace and direct that impetus to create the actual change in space and time and take the necessary steps to do so in order to honor the path that took me to get to realize, see and understand what I now see, realize and understand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to define me and allow myself to be dictated by the construct and concept of time, by the illusion of having to remain ‘current’ according to that abstraction which time is – which we have created in means to control ourselves. I realize we create time, we decide how we live time in this reality, but I no longer allow myself to be dictated by it and what I should feel or experience according to the idea I have around it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate myself in a bottle of complexities where I believed no one else cared, no one would understand or listen and in that, miss out the many opportunities to connect , share and get to know others, because of becoming my own living judgment of seeing everything as ‘lost and pointless’ and not seeing that in doing so, I wasn’t getting anywhere else but became more detached from myself, from my own reality and from getting to understand ‘the other’ as myself too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lazy and apathetic to continue discovering the wonders of who we are and can be and become, and instead to become sad at the apathy I saw in others, not realizing that in doing so, I became equal to what I was only seeing in them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the epitome of hope in despair, where I gave myself up in the wait for something or someone else to show me the way, to tell me what to do and not take responsibility to be my own director, my own guide, my own master that is self-created – not following, not taught, but simply learning from others’ experiences and making them my own by testing them out to see if they work or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the idea of lack as an excuse and as a determining factor of my being where I placed myself into a survival mode  that turned me into a selfish and ruthless being, becoming fearful, anxious and angry at myself for knowing that this ‘lack’ is entirely self created and that no one else is doing this to myself, but me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not give me the gift of Understanding another, because I realize that I can’t hate another if I understand how we all have created this in separation of who we really are as life. I now realize that Understanding is one of the most profound and liberating gifts we can give to ourselves.

I forgive myself as everyone else in our weaknesses and fractured beingness because as big as the weaknesses and fractures are, these cannot override the virtues that we actually are and can develop as the new nature of our being. This is self-creation, it is not born from perfection, but from the decision to overcome the complexities, the falls, the mistakes, the wrongdoings, the self-neglect.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to neglect the dedication it requires to get to understand how we function in our minds and our being, because that in itself reveals our truth and as such, it becomes the most useful thing to do and dedicate our lives to cultivate.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not continue cultivating my own understanding to direct and create my own healing process and within that, cultivate my own self-awareness,  to no longer be defined and limited by survival in this world as a justification to not live the wholeness of myself in  my day to day and in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to redefine spirituality as a sincere and grounded way to define and create my own being, to create the habits and methods to continue developing my self-awareness in every moment of my existence, to be in contact with my being, my body and to create an awareness of the effect that my thoughts, words and deeds create in my reality. I realize I can do this without the need of crystalized dogmas and instead can be lived by a simple and consistent dedication in developing these supportive habits of being in contact with myself and taking full ownership of my capacity to define, reinvent, innovate and reconstruct myself, because no one else can do this for me, but myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live determination and do the hard work that it takes to live this process of creating my own life and self awareness, because I realize it requires courage and determination and I believed myself to be devoid of these. Now I realize we all have what is needed, that we all can live these words and that’s the living faith in which I decide to live in, to be the driving force of my capacity, will and determination to do that which I know and realize are the building blocks to the creation of who I really want to be as the expression of the wholeness that I go creating and expressing in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having been ashamed in being the one that is not following the same path as everyone else, but instead decided  to swim against the flow, going into the opposite direction while everyone seemed to not care or see where they are being led to.  Now I realize, see and understand that this very will, determination and decision to keep going ‘against all odds’ got me to where I am today, where I now open my eyes to see that there is no shame at all in living my own truth even if no one seemed to care or understand, because it’s not about others but about my own decision to live me, to express that care, that love which is sufficient to live the truth of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up many times in the many creative ways that I pursued at some point in my life, not realizing that I can work things, that I can implement changes and innovate in my life to keep that living flame alive even if it only seems to lighten up my own face. I realize that this is what living me and expressing me means, to do it because of myself and for nothing and no one else other than the expression of the potential that is unleashed when one decides to live unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the perceived’ wasted time’ when I neglected the essentially creative capacity that I am and that I have. I now realize that such ‘wasted time’ was part of the process and the many roads that have led me to be and become who I am here, that I can start where I am – in every moment, in every new breath – and to realize that in any moment, I can only be the one that drives me or becomes my own worst-enemy and limitation to do this as an expression of myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that frustration is a symptom of the incomprehension of my own self movement, and that stagnation is no more than the nature of all sickness that manifests when I don’t allow myself to flow and be the water that flows, that reclaims its natural will to express, to flow, to be, to adapt, to move and embody the realization that its movement never ceases, because I’m not defined by a measure of time – I embrace the creation of the potential that I decide to live and cultivate as the everlasting self that always remains here, just like the water in the world.

I forgive myself for living out my weaknesses and for allowing them to affect others in their own lives. I now decide to work on the changes, the habits, the actions that will turn them into actual strengths.

I realize that I can only get through in my life if I place my own faith back on myself as the recognition of my capacity to change my reality and the outcome of my life through the work that I can dedicate myself to do every day in order to honor the wholeness of my being, to no longer be trapped in the experience of lack and all its unfulfilled concepts that I had allowed myself to believe and be enslaved by.

I now take ownership of my own discipline and self-creation moved by the love that I realize I can express in my work and the enjoyment that I imprint on it and on myself in doing so.  I commit myself to become the author and creator of all of this that celebrates the manifestation of what and who I realize I really am at a fundamental and existential level as life itself.

I understand and realize that time is only a measure of earthly oxidation, however even if I deteriorate, it does not define my stance and who I am as I keep my finger at it, becoming and living the drive that has got me to where I am here today, because no matter what: I remain current.

I decide to trust myself in my decisions, my actions, the paths that I decide to walk, embrace the ups and downs it may entail because I decide to trust myself in being able to learn from it and expand my expression through that, because I realize that that’s what living life is all about.

 

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637. #EqafeDiscovery: Defined by Relationships and Redefining Self in Relationships

 

 I recommend checking out these audios on Eqafe.com Using Relationships to Hide From Myself – Life Review and Time Alone Before Time Together – Life Review which are about a subject that usually becomes a focal point of attention or even conflict in our lives, which is certainly something I can relate to and unfortunately, still get to see how it defines our lives in so many ways when we don’t look at it in self honesty – this is about… Relationships!

I’ve written this out before how this was a ‘weakness’ in my life and consider that I’m now at a stage where I am getting to see with more clarity what is it that I ‘missed’ to live within me that led me to constantly have relationships as a ‘point of focus’ and usually having the idea or thought of ‘having to be in a relationship’ as a constant thought running in my mind. I had not noticed to what extent I essentially defined myself entirely by being with a certain person in a relationship or being ‘lacking a relationship’ and this is basically what I got reminded of when re-listening to these audios that, lol, I was essentially going to translate to Spanish only to find out that … They had already been published some years ago J Instead of seeing the work done as a ‘waste of time’- because they became useless to publish –  I decided to use the ‘refreshed realizations’ to write out this blog.

I can relate to the woman that comes through in the audio to share her life story and situation. I was the kind of person in my younger years that even before ever having any form of relationship, I would already be kind of preparing the ground on how ‘I would like it to be in a relationship’ and kind of already creating a mindset of only being able to only be ‘fulfilled’ and ‘happy’ if being in a relationship that I could define as ‘life saving’ yep! A very askew starting point but, I am now ok with that because I basically didn’t know any better at the time and I’ve walked the self forgiveness on all those ‘lacks’ that I lived at the time, which surely led me to feel depressed and feeling utterly miserable.  And yes, that was the starting point when I entered  my first relationships and the series of situations where I was looking for ‘appreciation, ‘love’, ‘care’ and ‘worth’ from other people that I would say in retrospect mirrored back my own lack of self-love a, self worth, self care, self appreciation and self-recognition. I then would decide to ‘be’ all of those things ‘for them…’ and yes as it should, none of those ended ‘well’ I would say, which is for the best of both parties of course.

Here I’m realizing that it’s not even about ‘other people,’ but more what I accepted and allowed to exist within me as the idea or concept of ‘relationships’ and ‘being in a relationship’ or ‘being without a relationship’ that I used as the starting point to create relationships… and so I got to see what I had to see in each one of them and break apart, because of having the flawed starting point – and it’s not like they would have ‘stood the test of time’ anyways because of how much I evolved throughout the years – thanks to myself for deciding to walk the Desteni process of course, which is how I’ve gotten myself to be where I am now – it’s not a smooth ride, lol, not at all in the relationship arena but definitely seeing the value of all my decisions and points walked as part of what makes me ‘me’ today – and sure it’s not ‘done’ and there’s plenty of more things to solidify within me – but that’s cool too 🙂

What the lady shares in the Eqafe recording is definitely worth listening to because I’m sure that each person can identify with different aspects of her experience. I can relate to the point of going from one relationship into another – with little time in between – which is Not a suggested move to say the least because one is most likely not in a clear mindset and one is not giving proper time to digest the one that has just ended off and re-settle within oneself to then make sound decisions in what one wants to do from then on.  And I also can relate to the ‘time off’ from relationships which I did also take a few years ago and have shared about before, it lasted some 4 or 5 years and that’s when I kind of faced myself full on and finally built that self-relationship to the point where I got to enjoy being on my own, doing things for me and getting to face this ‘addictive need’ to the idea of having to have a relationship.

If you ask me, the immediate thought or idea that comes to mind is  that such phase of my life seems like ‘hideous’ in my mind. Many times I felt very alone and it was definitely like withdrawing from an addiction to be honest, to kind of face that actual ‘void’ where one feels kind of dead – lol – I didn’t realize it was then me being at the prime of being able to now move, decide to do and express and live and be that which I would direct myself to be and do, which I eventually started realizing and practicing, but man, the conditioning was extensive based on how I would always be ‘expecting’ someone to ‘move me’ to ‘invite me’ to ask me to ‘go out and do stuff’ – and that’s where I started deciding to do it for myself. I guess it felt like when someone has had a cast on their leg and always needs a cane to walk and suddenly you no longer have it and you can simply decide to move and do things and go to places without it, it was that ‘odd’ I guess.

It was also a very fruitful time when it comes to my education, taking the time that I needed to learn, investigate, write myself out, get to know me in various aspects and even more so, seeing who am I without having a ‘someone’ in my life in the sense of a relationship. Was it hard? Yes, but I see it was totally necessary to get to ground myself more… but it didn’t last that much. The next relationship  I created was because I went back to allowing experiences of feeling quite alone and detached from various people I defined as a point of support, communication and interaction in my life, I wasn’t ‘whole’ within me to say the least. Nonetheless I’m thankful as well to that person that decided to agree on such relationship, but I realize that the ‘neediness’ then defined the outcome of it, ultimately realizing that it wasn’t a well thought decision, which I have shared about in various blogs before as well. 

Then even if believing that I was more grounded and considerate, stepping into another relationship right after that was definitely not a wise move either. It was stemming from a desire to ‘move away’ from what I had been through and evading looking to look at, which I eventually did but I had already placed my foot in another relationship.  It seemed ‘easier’ to write out and deconstruct what had happened in the previous relationship while already knowing  that there was ‘someone else’ already on my path as a potential relationship, so that became another comfort zone and didn’t really give myself that time –again – to think things properly, which then led to kind of repeat the same story up to a new point where I decided ‘Now that’s the kind of person  I really want in my life’ and creating a new relationship.

There is shame involved in admitting my jumping from one relationship onto another, but I have learned to see it as the pattern that it represents in relation to me and this kind of ‘rushing’ through things, and not giving myself the time to slow down and think things well… sometimes being impulsive – or most of the times I would say – so this is also something I’m learning in creating a balancing point between expressing and ‘going for something’ and having the rest of the considerations in place, like considering the other people involved and not just ‘seeing how things go’ … there’s a balancing point there which I am becoming more aware of.

It is through being ‘ashamed’ of something that we can profoundly get to see what we ‘missed’ of ourselves, what we put ourselves and others through when doing things in a rather inconsiderate manner, but it’s not supportive at all to remain in such shame and prevent ourselves from sharing back what we learn through our mistakes that, I have decided to see as ways in which I certainly didn’t slow myself down, I rushed through things, I got myself in dishonest situations because of ultimately fearing that I would end up in another relationship that I would not be ‘happy’ with. In essence, I wasn’t honest with myself and as a consequence I wasn’t honest towards others.

This is one of the points that I come to see as well, how I tended to totally create a condition of ‘the relationship’ being a point of ‘happiness’ for me, which is impossible to expect. No one and no-thing can ever be ‘that’ for ourselves, we have to learn how to be it, live it, express it for and as ourselves. Sure relationships can be a point of support and platforms to develop that, but even if one is In a relationship, it doesn’t mean that one is actually self-fulfilled, living self-love, living self-care and self-enjoyment and self-communication… living a genuine relationship with ourselves.

So, this is what I’ve noticed is something that still drives many to look for relationships, or even more so to believe that ‘they have to have’ a relationship, or that they are miserable without a relationship, or that a relationship will give them acceptance, love, appreciation, security and the rest of expressions that we don’t realize we have to always ultimately be for ourselves and give to ourselves first. Otherwise, the usual kind of ‘compromising relationships’ are formed where we become dependent on others to ‘be that expression’ for us, to be that point of acceptance for us, to be that source of appreciation for us…. And that is definitely Not SELF-expression, but egos massaging each other into an illusion of ‘completion.’

So that’s the trap that we might fall into from time to time ‘fall’ because it is not us standing and joining someone in their lives with a whole stance and recognition of who we really are…. The worst starting point of starting a relationship is because one feels like one ‘needs’ a relationship or feels ‘unfulfilled’ or ‘unhappy’ and believes that someone else in your life should ‘fill that void’ or ‘be your happy place.’ Lol

Why do relationships become a ‘focal point’ in our lives? Because of that broadly accepted and allowed belief of having to have someone in your life that can complete you, satisfy you, accept you, tell you how relevant or important you are, how much they ‘need you’ and all of those things… and we don’t realize the obvious, which is how this is a basic form of enslavement that we create towards each other, because it’s two individuals believing themselves to be ‘unfulfilled’ that then get together to create the illusion of ‘completion’ and then if the other for one or another reason doesn’t satisfy the other, then all hell breaks loose because we have deposited the entirety of ‘who we are’ on another’s hands… something is really wrong with this picture… but it is actually one of the most ingrained beliefs and ideas that are ‘socially accepted’ as  ‘how things are.’ But! As always, such beliefs need to be dissected and challenged.

Here I am not speaking from a starting point of saying ‘relationships are bad’ in themselves, no. It is not about that. It’s about looking at our starting point to be in one, to look at ‘who we are’ within it and consequently who the other person is and to decide where do we want to stand in that agreement to be together and what the purpose of it is. It may sound a bit too utilitarian in nature, but it does assist to dispel some of the usual veils created through feelings around the idea or notion of love or simply ‘liking someone’ or seeing certain expression in them that we ‘like’ or ‘feel attracted to’ but haven’t actually first investigated why we are ‘attracted’ to them but are not living those aspects or words in our own lives then?

What I have done when getting this kind of ‘attraction’ situation is actually looking at (writing out) what are the aspects/words that the person is living that I actually like and where and how I can live that as myself?  From doing so then the whole idea of attraction might simply dispel as I got to see in my case when I did this with great detail in some blogs I shared before too. It all ends and begins in ‘what do I live, what do I express, what can I learn to expand myself on, what can I live with, what do I want to experience and create of myself?’ And so the focus is not on the ‘other’ person.

When to know that one is not doing and living this for oneself but instead is once again ‘falling’ into the depositing of our entire being and expression onto someone else in a relationship? When we believe that any ‘low’ experience as in feeling unsatisfied, depressed, lonely, unappreciated or lacking some kind of will to do things IS because ‘of the other person.’ Hmmm! That sounds very questionable isn’t it? Why would someone else have to ‘be that’ for ourselves? Why would we entrust the totality of our capacity and decision to be who we want to be and what we want to create in someone else’s hands? 

Well, it takes a moment of self-assessment to simply see that any form of dissatisfaction because of having or not having a relationship and not meeting certain expectations in having or not having it, is in fact a distraction, a point of blame that we use to in a way deceive ourselves to not see the obvious self-honesty assessment that is actually needed to be looked at: What am I not Being and Living for Myself? What am I not doing to be the creator of my own wellbeing? What am I not giving and doing for myself, to be and create who I want to be and create? Why am I determining the totality of my being to the potential of this ‘someone’ that ‘eventually’ comes into my life to ‘rescue’ me? Lol, it sounds like the Disney movies but! that was my mentality when I was a teenager and I’m glad I’ve moved from that but I can still see the various experiences that may come up when delegating all of these things that I have to be and live for myself first of all on the hands of my partner for example.

What breaks the spell of this? Self-honesty really, nothing else, reminding myself that no one and no thing outside of me can be my point of satisfaction and fulfillment, because every time that I do that, I lose myself, I ‘fall’ from the wholeness of who I am and cut a chunk out of me until I can grow it back within the awareness of ‘what am I not living and being for myself that I believe I require someone else has to give me?’ So that’s more like the correction and self-direction point, whenever I create a ‘falling’ in my experience, any ‘low’ I have to see where and how I am not expressing me, where am I not doing what I see I can do, learn, be , develop and express that I know will satisfy me and expand my own horizons of who I want to be and create of myself? And then things open up to step into J

In this case, I can see it’s not about ‘relationships’ as such, it’s all about our self-relationship. It is as simple as seeing that if one doesn’t have a well established self-relationship, then the relationships we accept and allow  will contain some beliefs of lacking, needing, wanting, feeling alone and unfulfilled. It is also so that even in relationships we remain alone and it’s interesting because it’s one of the most ‘feared’ experiences at the same time in most human beings, instead of realizing that: we are always alone! Even if surrounded with people, there’s no ‘two’ in one single mind and body, lol. Fascinating to see how much of the, let’s call it ‘consciousness gibberish’ around love and relationships becomes our way of seeing and defining ourselves and so defining how we live and what we live.

This has been a word that I’ve been looking at recently, what I allow myself to ‘be defined by’. This also extends to for example the definition of what I believe I should be ‘living’ or ‘doing’ based on the age I have, the idea that I must have a ‘better definition’ of myself in a certain role or profession or a ‘doing’ that gives me some kind of worth and value. This is not to diminish the definitions that are still very much alive and relevant in the world, but it is about being able to have certain definitions to be able to function in the world, but to not make myself believe that ‘that is all that I am’ and ‘that’s all I can ever be’ or believe myself to only be this one tag, this one label, this one definition…. I would say it’s the other way around in how based on all the definitions that people are living out and how much separation it creates, it has led me to want to live out more of an expansive self where I don’t ‘cage’ myself in conventional ways of having to ‘be.’  And that is liberating, but this mostly opens up as I go facing any form of inner conflict, and ultimately realizing that any form of ‘conflict’ I may create is allowing me to see something that I am still creating a finite definition of, something I believe I must ‘fit into’ or that I ‘should be’ and so forth.

There is an aspect of control that emerges when wanting to fit into a certain idea or belief of what we want to be living or experiencing, and if we don’t get that, it leads to the ‘disappointment’ on things, but ultimately… where does that idea come from? Is it something we are ‘falling’ into believing we ‘must’ have or do or accomplish based on what others live or what society dictates? Or is it something that I am genuinely deciding to live and do and experience for myself because I see the benefit of it?

I’ve noticed a bunch of these things determined by what I get to hear and see from others, but ultimately going into comparison leads nowhere, because no other person is in my same body and being and having the exact same ‘me-ness’ that could perhaps consider doing exactly what the other ‘me’ is doing, lol. It might be sounding extreme, but it is that silly to live in comparison, because even if we are ‘the same’ in our basic functionality, we are unique in how we live such functionality and our context and our live and beingness and body and the rest of the things that are unique to each one of us, which is the amazing part of also getting to know oneself and so getting to know and live with other individuals.

Where am I going with this? To realize that many times we create this idea of relationship as something that ‘must be had’, that ‘must be attained’, that is seen as a ‘lack’ if you are not in one… but the ultimate REAL question I would ask and I would definitely kind of exhort myself and anyone else to look at is: Am I in a healthy relationship with myself? Am I creating my own wellbeing, satisfaction, developing my expression and doing what I see is needed to live my potential? Am I settled in my self-commitment to live with me for a lifetime in this world and beyond? That’s the kind of questions to actually ask, because by default, whatever we decide to live and create from that starting point, will be an extension and reflection of that self-creation and the fulfillment that doing all of those things creates.

 So, I would rather say, dare to be that best for yourself first, dare to give to you what you have believed ‘others’ had to give to you or be for you… that’s limitation, that’s enslavement, that’s codependency and that’s ultimately self-diminishment and nope, I consider we must now go beyond that as human beings.

If we apply this principle more and more, there will be no more ‘traps’ formed in relationships, because we will know where we stand, what we want to create, what we accept and allow and as such, we will acknowledge full responsibility of who we decide to be and who we decide to share our lives with… there will be no more blaming, cheating, lying, manipulating, blackmailing, spiting and many other ‘worst of us’ aspects that emerge through relationships at the moment.

This is how from another perspective, all of the above is also part of our process to discover that ‘worst’ and so the best potential of ourselves through relationships – here careful to not say ‘Ah! That’s why I am Not in a relationship! Because all of that sucks!’ because one things I’ve found is that there is no other way I could be realizing this if it wasn’t for the various relationships I’ve been in – with their ups and downs-  they’ve been very supportive to see myself better and I hope that the same goes for the others involved in them too.

So, it’s about walking relationships just like anything else in this world where we learn to define our stance, how we want to live and what we want to express but always taking the point back to self to be THE starting point of it all within us… might be catalyzed, supported or influenced by those people that we create relationships with, but that’s as far as it can go, it cannot ever be the driving force or reason or motivation for it… we always have to be ‘it’ for ourselves, and whenever it is not, the relationship just falls once again to show us where and how we weren’t standing in the wholeness of ourselves to be able to stand in integrity, self-respect and self-responsibility side by side with others.  And so we learn! And make the necessary changes from that.

Ok that’s what I wanted to share, to essentially let go of the idea of ‘having to be with someone’ if that comes up… best to simply look at where and how I have not fully gotten to get to know me, get to enjoy me, get to go alone and do the things that I know I want to develop and learn about or experience… lol so many times we kind of almost ‘wait’ for doing all of those things ‘with someone’ and! It will be quite rare that any other person will be entirely ‘up for it’ and be at that level with you. This is also a relevant consideration so that we don’t hold others captive to the idea/definition of what we ‘expect’ others to be in our lives… no one is going to ever be that, nor should they be it.

Part of the expansive aspects of being in a relationship with someone is precisely getting to embrace them in their uniqueness, in their expression, with all their ways of being…. If that simply becomes something that you don’t want to live with and experience… there’s no need to ‘keep at it’ for any reason, that would be enslaving and limiting for both. At the same time it is to be aware that there will e challenges where our ego points are being pushed, where our illusions are shattered and when being with another becomes an opportunity to step outside of the definitions of what I ‘believed’ a relationship should be…. lol there is no ‘should’ or ideals that can ever fit a unique situation and expression that takes place between two individuals in a particular space and time…. And this is where letting go of definitions also comes in and more realizing it takes a willingness to expand and from there assess what one wants to live and be with. All about self!

Thanks for reading

 

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Self-Honesty

 

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631. Notes on Compromise

 

Compromise:     the expedient acceptance of standards that are lower than is desirable.

Living compromise in my case has been existent mostly in the consideration of the relationships that I allowed myself to form in the past. Within the starting point of taking it back to self – and so not focusing on the others related to me this way – I realized how this allowance of something ‘less’ than what I could actually create for me and for the best have to do with a sense of self-deprecation and even ‘worthlessness’ that existed in me, wherein any form of relationships would reflect back what I was accepting and allowing with me. So they all were there in my life in accordance to ‘where I was’ in my life and as such, there is nothing to regret about because I’ve come to understand the process that I took in order to realize what I am seeing now.

We had a group chat on Friday where the point of pleasing people opened up. I couldn’t relate at first to pleasing per se, but I did recognize it in relation to how I would do things, shape myself in accordance to what I thought was more liked by others within a relationship. There were a few wherein I didn’t do it, but then compromise would show in other ways such as deciding to be with people that I thought I could eventually change and assist them in getting to some kind of ‘ideal’ expression or living potential – it never happened because of course, my starting point was focused on ‘them’ and not on being the best for myself, of doing and being those aspects I was seeking to change in others – it is common sense that if you are living the best of you, by default you won’t allow anything less than what you are living in terms of choosing who to share your life with.

I am focusing here on relationships because it is that one point we total choose to be in – well, at least it’s how it goes in most part of the world. So here I’m not talking about the necessary compromise that exists in other aspects of life like jobs and ways to make money to survive in this world, it’s merely about how we relate to others in relationships.

The reality is that when one starts living more of one’s truth, everything that doesn’t ‘fit the compromise shoe’ starts sticking out like a rotten fruit that needs to go – or rots the rest of the fruit. It becomes uncomfortable not because it represents a healthy challenge or an out of the comfort zone point of support, but because one realizes it is becoming a suppressing situation, one where there’s more of a ‘relationship management,’ going on, there’s more ‘lacks’ emerging, ‘longings’ and ‘ideas of how things can be’ and more things that ‘subtly bother me but I let it go by because, who knows? Maybe it changes later!’ or those moments where there’s this ‘slight’ seemingly subtle ‘sinking’ whenever one knows that one is not living one’s full expression in order to fit some kind of shoe we believe we ‘must be in’ to be liked or be okay with someone else in a relationship. Or even to ‘be in a relationship’ in itself, while it’s actually totally fine and ok if one genuinely decides to be alone and step out of the belief that ‘one needs to be in a relationship.’

Sometimes this pattern of conditioning and compromise goes well accepted in our society, simply because we believe we ‘can’t do any better’ or we just have to ‘suck the pain in’ and hope for better times. It has been baffling to me to get to know stories of how far women – and yes also males but mostly females in fact – stay in abusive relationships because of believing that they ‘love’ the other person or that without a man they are nothing, or for financial reasons and many kids in line, they have to stick to relationships that are very toxic. I haven’t been in such extreme situations, but I have been in relationships where I know that I am not living the totality of myself, that I am somehow trying to fit a shoe that doesn’t support me in fact – yet I still have put it on while secretly questioning my decision, and being in constant over analyzing of the situation and desiring for certain changes that I then go into hope and expectancy that ‘the other’ person eventually gets to in their lives and so consequently, in the relationship.

 

How I see it currently is that the creation of a relationship that is supportive comes along with ‘where we currently are’ within our lives, comes along with the kind of principles – or lack thereof – we are living in our lives. In essence, the ‘who we are’ is then going to reflect the kind of people we choose to be with. Many of us have gone into relationships out of need, out of wanting to ‘fulfill’ some aspect or some ‘existential void’ with a relationship and that is simply  meant to fail, because one is not entering a relationship as a fulfilled being, but seeking the comfort and dare I say ‘fulfillment’ in another. Well, I’ve been there myself a few times in the past and it’s a recipe for disaster.

There have been other times where I believed I was quite fulfilled within me and didn’t need to be with someone to represent that ‘fulfillment’ for me, but I still allowed myself to be in situations where something inside me knew things could be better, and not in the sense of ‘without conflict at all’ or being ‘better’ in an idealized way, but more in the sense that there is this untapped potential within me that I could in fact develop with someone that could be ‘ready’ for that. So, this is where the point of letting go of compromise comes as an understanding really. It is not about dismissing situations for seeing them as ‘less than’ but perhaps as being in different stages in life where personal development can be either diminished and suppressed or catalyzed in certain relationships or living decisions.

This is also where it enables me to see that if I live what’s best for me, it in fact becomes best for all. I’ve seen how in accepting and allowing compromise in me, it invariably affects the other person and everyone else that could be affected by it, because I’m not living my truth, the potential of who I can be and that becomes a series of diminishing steps that don’t support life in fact.

In terms of relationships, it’s about wanting the best for everyone involved. If a relationship is clearly not supporting someone, if it becomes something that is more about ‘managing’ one or the other, or about seeing ‘what the emotional experience is in the other’ or fearing certain attitudes in one another, or being over-vigilant about what the other one might be thinking, or how things are not working, or how things don’t seem right, or how I ‘should be in order to keep him/her happy’ then what do we know? We are compromising ourselves, we are not living our truth. It’s also about self-honesty and asking these questions not within the starting point of leaving ‘all the work’ to the other, but being honest about doing what it takes to make something work as with everything else.

I can say I have had compromised in every single relationship in the past. I have only now discovered and come to understand what it is to actually live me, be me with all my ups and downs, my qualities and my defects and not have anything to hide towards another, because that’s how I live my truth and now I know there’s people that’s up for taking that in, yes, that ‘intensity’ that I can be in my openness and not having any qualms about things, and how demanding I can also get to be – which yes I know I need to work on, but still, cool to know someone can understand such demanding nature as well. I enjoy the support that I can get from another that has a similar personal stance with his own life so that we don’t take bs from each other lol, it makes things fun and supportive in fact, because we don’t take things so seriously yet we point them out, because we know that our willingness to transcend the momentary bs is far greater than remaining ‘stuck’ in it or in an ‘experience.’

But I realize that as ‘easy’ as it might sound, it isn’t. It’s not like I got lucky only. Everything was a series of decisions that I took to get to where I am within myself to then decide to be with someone that supports the best in me, because this implies I am first doing and being and living that best for me. And also, it is not ‘honey over chips’ in a relationship where no compromise exists in such terms – of course there IS compromise, but it’s things that simply come with the living together of two individuals and what one is willing to live with – but to me the aspects that are relevant in relation to personal integrity, living habits and expression, are a supportive platform for me to live on currently.

It is only now that I can look back and see to what extent I ‘went’ to be liked, appreciated, to ‘fit in’ according to what I believe would make the relationship work, what I was willing to do in order to ‘make things work’ etc. The list goes on and the details are not even relevant because it is about the action, this ‘lesser of me’ being accepted where I know I ‘chip off’ a bit of myself and in that, it becomes a point of compromise.

Who knows if I am speaking from a place where I can still be living compromise and not be aware of it? But as I said before, I will eventually know as I continue deconstructing this personality system within me and continue focusing on self-development and self-creation. For now this is my current stance and I found it relevant to share about it because perhaps someone is going through similar experiences, having thoughts like ‘this is as as good as it gets’ when it comes to relationships, but I am now aware that you can indeed be with someone that is there ‘walking with’ side by side with you, instead of feeling like one or the other has to ‘drag’ the other to get to the top of the mountain. I did that in the past, but can’t also judge me for my choices because as I said, they reflect who I was at the time and that’s how I can now simply look back and forgive myself for it, because I know it is entirely ‘who I was’ in relation to ‘relationships’ at the time.

For now, I see that there is a foundation built for me to be the best of myself and a relationship can’t be ‘it’ for anyone. It is a companionship, but the rest is entirely up to me. Before I would take the relationship in itself as ‘the project’ to focus on, and it doesn’t have to be that way, that I don’t have to accept compromise, to have that ‘sinking’ feeling when being with someone, to fear losing someone, to fear not ‘being the best’ with another or to be in all kinds of fears and paranoia of ‘where they are at’ in their minds and lives, or expecting others to change. It then becomes another burden or ‘point to work through’ rather than being a platform of self-support and self-development.  It becomes much easier to be with someone that has a similar standing in life, because then the focus is on the mutual support to learn from each other, live and grow – not on managing ever present emotions or subtle experiences and frictions… Now I see how it feels to be living in compromise, and perhaps one can only realize one is living compromise when you step out of it and look back to realize how such compromise existed. At the same time I’m learning to focus on the present, on what’s here, on what I can be grateful for creating for me in my life and choosing essentially that which is supportive for my being.

It is ok to realize that not everyone can simply ‘bond’ with someone else based on preferences or similar mindset. Now I realize that perhaps it is the seemingly opposite worlds that complement themselves the most, because it’s not about having similar preferences, but principles, not similar personalities but similar disposition to learn and change in order to make something work like it is within a relationship. It is another kind of compromise, with ‘concessions’ where acceptances and allowances are made on both sides, in aspects that do not affect the main principles in which a relationship is built on, but adjustments that are meant to be there based on living with another person and embracing them as part of your life.

It takes two to tango, can’t expect things to work if only one is having the disposition… or perhaps it can, it really depends on what each person is willing to live with – accept and allow – I now know what is possible and what I see works best for me. This is what self honesty is, this is where I can’t make rules of this, because this is my current truth and stance – who knows? It can change in time, but for now I check within me and I’m clear, I have nothing holding me back in relation to the place where I’m at in terms of my life within a relationship – it’s the other way around for me at the moment, learning a lot each other, it is as if I at last I have the opportunity to be supported by another in a genuine way, instead of placing me on the supporter role only. Perhaps this is also a perception, but! I also have to be less apologetic in the sense of not wanting to sound ‘too dismissive’ – it is what it is really – and if it is best for me and others, I am sure this is what we all want for each other person, to be able to live their truth and be the best they can be no matter how or with whom. So this is also a cool note about compromise, where we believe that we are doing something ‘good’ for another by sticking with them even if that implies not being the best for ourselves…. Wrong… that invariably leads to their compromise as well one way or another, so best for all means, not accepting any lesser that what is possible for each one at any given moment in life.

 

There are a bunch of other things where I know I am compromising myself as in not living the best of myself and that’s where instead of focusing on ‘the lack’ I will be focusing on how to create, otherwise it again becomes a point to ‘fulfill’ through something/someone in separation of me.

 

Ok thanks for reading Sonrisa 

 

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622. Update on Self-Honesty

 

Recently I’ve had two different situations that got me to a better understanding of self-honesty even though I’ve been integrating this concept for ten years now – it definitely changes as one goes walking life in trial and error mode, which is a constant point to consider in life as well and not have any judgment about it! Quite relevant too.

This opened up in relation to the audios related to Memories on Eqafe.com* and other ones that relate more to Self-Honesty** – and even though the main topic is not about what I will share here – it assisted greatly to see how I had been judging someone’s self honesty as good or bad and with that, my ‘usual’ approach to it is to try and ‘fix them’ which in my mind, sounded great! A ‘good thing’ to do, but that’s the problem!

See, I’ve justified intervening too much on someone’s path and process to the point where the hidden agenda is just trying to make them ‘fit’ my ideal version of them that I have created in my own mind (!) which has little to do with the reality and totality of who a person is and their own self-honesty – their pace to walk things, their nature, their pros and cons, their strengths and weaknesses –  as something that needs to be gotten to be known, understood, respected, considered and honored because that’s what this process is about: realizing and understanding our individuality and deciding who we are in relation to each other within that awareness.

This opened up further as I commented on what I learned about those recordings with my partner and that was an enjoyable conversation where I got to consider and look back at my life, the various situations where I have considered myself ‘failing’ – such as in relationships for the most part’ – and based on what my partner shared as well, I got to see and realize what it means to embrace someone’s self-honesty and how much I have been wanting to control, manipulate and justify my desire to ‘change’ people even at a thought level of intent, in order to ‘suit me’ and ‘my ideal’ I have created about them.

This I’ve done especially within the context of partners in personal relationships and how upon discussing the various patterns I found in relation to my past relationships, he assisted me to look at the ‘repeated mistake’ so to speak that I ‘fell for’ every single time – and as much as I might not be seeing ‘the full picture’ now just yet – I did discover that a part of me would simply sugar coat and focus on all the good, all the potentials that I ‘saw’ in a person that I would decide to walk with in a relationship, which made me simply obfuscate, cringe at, brush aside, suppress any reactions to seeing the reality and totality of them in who they are – their ‘negative aspects’ or dare I say the totality of who they are in themselves – which of course Had to happen! Because none of us are perfect human beings, nor will we be to anyone else’s eyes (because each one has their own ‘ideals’ of perfection or what’s the best another can be and so forth, which is a point each one of us can look at because it is extremely limiting) and I had sort of built a trap every single time because of deciding to ‘make things work’ with men I decided to be in a relationship with and focusing on all the ‘good’ and ‘positive’ things I would see in them, and in a way believe that the rest of all that I defined as weaknesses, flaws, ‘problematic behaviors,’ would be ‘sorted out by themselves’ and that ‘I could live with it’, that it would ‘not matter…’

But reality has now shown me that I simply had the wrong starting point every single time which led to the inevitable end by creating a form of disenchantment ‘projected’ – dare I say Imposed – onto them based on the ideal that I had created as the ‘expected’ living potential that I imagined they could be 24/7, and in that simply not living with the reality of them, the facts of the matter which is: we all have our pros and cons and there’s no person that can be ONLY looked through the eyes of ‘all things good and benevolent’ at all. This is the self-deception point that I thought I was considering in my head, but it wasn’t a grounded consideration in terms of Living and applying that realization practically, but it was only an acceptance and allowance at a knowledge level which ended up mostly with me living in denial and saying to myself saying ‘yeah I can handle it’ but reality then would show: nope, you really don’t want to and didn’t consider all things and the reality of the matter in fact.

This leads to compromise and the points I’ve had to look at is why I was willing to compromise myself in order to ‘make something work out’ and then there is a fine balance between working with my own reactions and testing out living with a certain reality, or when living with a certain type of person is simply not part of what I am willing to live with, even if I work through my reactions, judgments etc. And that’s what my self-honesty is, not ‘good’ not ‘bad’ it just is where I am at the moment in my life.

What does that mean? At times I would set myself to be with people I defined to be ‘very challenging’, having particular issues within themselves that I thought I could assist them in figuring them out, so that the potential that I ‘saw’ in them would simply ‘reign’ over all the ‘negative’ stuff so to speak, and they would simply decide to ‘better themselves’ because of the relationship because of ‘being with me’ lol which is conditional and foolish too – which is absolutely compromising and conditional as well when it comes to asking someone ‘to change’ in order to be in a relationship…that’s just a recipe for codependence and disaster. But! I wasn’t aware of how I was standing in that position when I did this kind of calculations and not realizing the kind of disservice I was doing to someone else’s path and process in life, when wanting to – according to me-  save them, help them, wanting to ‘achieve’ what I ‘thought’ was best for them… but in that not considering at all who they really are, what their actual intent on themselves and their own life is – sometimes not being anywhere around nearby or even looking at what I was looking – so in other words, I was imposing ‘my expectations’ on them and not considering the facts of who they are, in fact.

I can cringe at the memory of all of this and doing it over and over and over again in relationships, making it ‘ok’ for me to ‘gloss over’ all of those things that I wasn’t genuinely willing to live with – embrace – in another, and simply ‘kept focusing’ on all the ‘good things,’ resulting in creating a polarized way of looking, understanding and perceiving another human being, which is not supportive, not respectful and not honoring myself and them as individuals that in no way are perfect or completely ‘good’ or ‘completely bad’ for that matter.

Morality is usually the trap in this, and as much as I thought I wasn’t acting based on good vs bad assessments, I in fact was, because I got stuck in wanting to have another human being ‘fit my idea of an ideal partner’ and even if I thought I was embracing their struggles, points that are tough to change or that they are not willing to change, I wasn’t entirely considering what it would mean to live with them in the totality of who they are, because I kept ‘hope’ as a major obstacle in this: hoping They would change, instead of focusing on me and what I would have to work with in order to embrace someone else, or make a very factual decision of not being willing to live with that.

I have discussed this before in relation to helping and hope, but the ‘new’ I bring forth here is a second step to this realization, which is how I was essentially repeating the same type of approach in my current relationship, and it is only through sharing my ‘history’ behind this that I could get a grounded understanding on how it all starts with something ‘as simple as’ focusing only on the good, the positive, the agreeable aspects that I see in a partner or potential partner and ONLY focusing on that.

This practically means that in reality, I would still judge, react or suppress my thoughts and experiences when witnessing something that I would dislike about ‘them’ and cover this up with a compensation-thought (justification and reasoning) such as: ‘but they are very good at this/that and they have this/that type of beneficial aspect’ so in way, it was like turning a blind eye to it, not wanting to see it, understand it, admit it or embrace it as part of someone’s nature and self-honesty. I instead built a cocoon around them based on how I wanted to see them and stick to that view, which is what, yes, we as humans mostly do when deciding to engage with someone in a partnership relationship, that’s the infamous saying of ‘seeing someone through the eyes of love’ but! I wasn’t aware I was doing this… until fairly recently lol.

I made a recording called ‘Changing my relationship to memories’ about this explaining how this opened up with my partner – if you want to listen to it – and the examples he gave me, but I realized how much he had been very explicit in disclosing his major ‘defects’ from the very beginning and how he defines himself as being 55% ‘dishonest’ in that sense and disclosing all of the ways in which according to him, defines him as a person that has been living not in truth but in dishonesty and having to lie and cheat in order to make a living at times, in order to have a certain position in his life etc. and how he has managed to change his view on life and therefore towards others to embrace more of his dishonesties and ‘garbage’ as he calls it in order to stop feeling so negative and gloomy about life, which led him to become more authentic in that he is not afraid to admit his ‘garbage’ as he calls it and admit that ‘that’s who he is’ for now and the reasons why he is and how he is not planning to change those aspects for practical reasons in his life at the moment.

When he disclosed this, there was an immediate reaction of wanting to convince him that ‘he has to change those aspects now!’ or ‘that I would not want to be with someone that admits to being 55% garbage and not do anything about it!’ lol, I didn’t go into this kind of inner conflict in an overwhelming manner, but the thoughts that came up were in the nature of ‘I gotta do something to change his view about this’ – yet again! – but the discussion precisely became that of realizing that I precisely Have to Stop trying to manipulate, control and change him and others, for real!

I realized how I had felt always entitled to ‘ask’ this to people based on the situation of being in a partnership and how I felt entitled to demand some form of change in order to ‘stay in the relationship,’ instead of actually deciding to Embrace a person as they are – with their 55% percent of garbage or more, because that’s their self-honesty – and being willing to live with the 100% of who they are because of deciding that the principles they stand on and their personal purpose in life is something that I can live with, without judging, cringing at or secretly wanting them to change aspects that I see as ‘part of the 55% garbage.’

That conversation was sort of life changing for me, because from that moment on, even if he had been quite directive about all the times when I was imposing myself onto him, trying to control him and at times wanting to decide ‘what’s best for him,’ – and me being grateful for the feedback – it would only become that in me, he didn’t even cringe at the fact that I wasn’t changing my approach just ‘realizing’ what I was doing at a thought level but still justifying my imposition towards him.  

So from that moment on, I’ve been able to more effectively stop my immediate reactions and responses to things he shares where I would literally behave like a mother that wants their child to ‘behave properly’ and ‘not be a bad person’ type of thing, which means, I would always come up with something that would impose, sometimes demand that such way of looking at things or people needed to be changed because! It didn’t ‘fit’ MY view or values on things, and in this not realizing I was imposing my own self-honesty onto him and others, making this recrimination look ‘good’ in my own eyes, perceiving I was doing a ‘good thing’ in externalizing this view and never questioning how and what it is to truly get to embrace and understand someone’s self-honesty, which means: I don’t need to change it, I don’t need to judge it, I can only work on my own reactions towards it, I need to focus on looking back at what I see I would like ‘someone else’ to change and do that within myself. Then, it becomes a practical assessment of whether I am willing to walk with or be related to someone based on that ‘totality’ of who they are, instead of seeing through a filter of ‘goodness and benevolence’ that leads to suppressing, judging, cringing at things that eventually become memories of things that I realized I wasn’t willing to live with/cope with or embrace in another as a life partner. And this is something that is also a very personal point of self-honesty, which means some people will be perfectly fine with embracing someone’s way of being in its totality, some others won’t – and that’s fine.

The same applies towards me. I realized how much I would put pressure on him on many aspects and it doesn’t create an emotional reaction in him, but simply him pointing out to me that  very ingrained nature in me which is that of being a controller and manipulator in essence to have people in my life that I can shape, mold and turn them into what I believe is ‘the best version of themselves,’ but this is not considering the individuality of the other person, at all really. So, yep! I had understood my control-freakism and this stubborn nature at a knowledge level, it’s been merely an understanding or realization.

The point now is to live the actions that lead to a correction of this on a daily basis, and I got a cool match in this case because when living with someone that is not afraid to expose the ‘nasty’ aspects of his relationship with others and how he views things and is definitely tough-headed when it comes to how he likes to be and do things, it creates a more open and continuous challenge for me to not go into judgments, reactions or wanting to immediately ‘create a solution’ for them to change… this is then about me learning to understand, embrace and work with my own reactions towards all of those seemingly ‘bad’ aspects about another – but in fact, this is about learning to not see myself and others through the morality-filter of good or bad any longer, but as parts, aspects of another that are themselves as well, that I can give feedback on or share how I view things in my own life and how I deal with them Without! A secret agenda behind it, hoping that they would listen to my words and change their ways based on my feedback.

No, this is about me for real this time learning to stop reacting, stop wanting to immediately ‘sort someone out’ because I have also begun to understand how MY self-honesty is mine and mine alone, cannot be imposed onto anything or anyone else, that’s my process and I can only share how I walk things, how I approach things, what I decide to live with and what I decide I don’t want to live with. Not about judging, making more or less of something or someone, but about a simple assessment of asking myself ‘what am I willing to live with?’ and assessing my stance in relation to it all.

In the end, based on my various past experiences, If I lie and deceive myself and others, the truth eventually comes out and it will be invariably consequential if I allow myself to not be ‘ok’ with certain things in relationship to another and not voice them out or be frank and honest with myself to realize ‘Ok, I can’t live with this in fact’ and stop hoping that it would eventually change.

I consider that this opened up a cool phase in my relationship now, because we are both fully aware of the point I have to work with and it tests me to not always be having to give some kind of judgment of ‘this is good, this is bad’ and framing a person into a positive or negative light, but simply be willing to understand, get to know someone in the totality of who they are and why not, learning and appreciate them as well. In my case I am grateful for the fact that there is an openness to share things that maybe most people – including myself-  would tend to hide and keep secret about ourselves and how we view life, people, situations. So this was also another lesson for me to be OK with sharing, saying the things that I am still aiming to work on and change, and not try and ‘stick to the positive side’ only, or always have ‘the right word to say’ because that also becomes a lockdown to not look at, accept and embrace the things I would usually hide or judge as just ‘plain negative’ and go into a form of denial about myself, which is the same as hiding from a truth that is also me and that I have to look at and work on.

In essence, this is about embracing my own mind as well, as much as I’ve discussed the embracing of someone else, it is about learning to do that for me first n my own life, and seeing that the world won’t fall apart if I start being more open to myself about my true nature, the one that I have kept secret or that I’ve wanted to hide because of wanting to be seen in a positive light. So see how limiting and caging those are? Lol, I’ve known about the dangers of polarizing stuff for a decade, but only now do I ‘get it’ as in really get to see and understand how I was doing that on a daily basis and even more so towards people that I was directly feeling entitled to be more intimate with, such as with partners in relationships.

Having this kind of conversation was quite liberating, it assisted me to understand a bunch of other things in relation to memories and how I was polarizing certain phases and people in my life to fit my own personal agenda, to create a ‘nice story’ about myself where I am the good one and others turn out to be the ‘bad ones,’ definitely not a way to hold anyone’s life captive in memories of good and bad morality judgments. This is about learning to live, embrace, get to know, appreciate and recognize others for who they are, without any further intent other than support, and that doesn’t mean: ‘I want to change them!’ but support them in whichever realizations or points of change they get to – or don’t get to. That’s where I can always decide what and who I share my life with, and this is quite empowering, to say the least.

Ok that’s the story, thanks for reading and definitely check out those Eqafe recordings, because they are very useful and life changing:

On Memories:

On Self-Honesty:

 

Self and Living videos about this as well – even if title doesn’t show at first hand – give them a go and watch them:

 

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty 


581. Living Reconciliation

Or recognizing the silliness of our fortressed egos that create conflict toward each other and walking a process to create peace in it.

I was listening to the news this morning and heard the word ‘reconciliation’ where this is happening between some countries and what emerged within me was a form of ‘Duh! That’s what’s always been needed’ as if it was a very obvious and common sensical thing to do between countries only. So, right there I stopped myself on this ‘righteousness track’ of me being ‘the judge’ that calls out the process as a ‘duh! Taking too long, it was so obvious, why hadn’t it been done before’ as if I was in fact living the nature of reconciliation within me and towards those in my life, so I proceeded to look within me and  ask ‘Hmm wait a minute, am I existing in conflict with anyone right now or in the past that I could in fact create a ‘reconciliation’ with?’ and immediately the answer was yes, and the idea of a few people in my life came up. There’s been quite a few people that I simply cut ties with in the past in quite blunt and dare I say arrogant way where I didn’t even explain myself or give it ‘my time of day’ to actually consider ‘my reasons’ and question them, I simply walked away in a rather cold and ‘disheartening’ way to say the least.

So this is a simple example of taking a word in a moment, seeing how I related to it as if I was ‘already done with’ living the word reconciliation and kind of standing as the judge that points out ‘well duh that’s so obvious to do!’ but I had not in fact done this for myself yet in all cases and dimensions that are quite ‘here’ within me till this day.

Even more so, it’s not really about looking at reconciliation with people out there, how about first starting with living reconciliation within myself towards the patterns, ways, behaviors that I’ve gotten to be ‘secretly’ ashamed of within myself, such as for example the ways that I parted ways with people in my life before, or how I got into my high horse where I believed ‘I knew better’ and stopped such friendships from a starting point of arrogance… have I ‘made peace with’ or created a reconciliation with myself with that? Not entirely.

I have gotten to understand ‘who I was in my mind’ back then and how I was thinking and looking at things, that’s a point of understanding – but, making a full point of reconciliation it’s probably not there yet because as much as I can understand, I haven’t yet extended this explanation to others and the lingering question is: is it really relevant extend this reconciliation with others even after all of this time or is it something more to do for me? And the point is that I in fact know who I’d like to re-approach and in essence share these points and who I simply don’t see much of a point to do considering how we are on very ‘different points’ in our lives currently and for now it’s not relevant, though not saying ‘no’ to never consider it or do it, meaning I’m not in the same reluctance I was existing as some time ago towards specific people that had been in my life.

So, upon listening to the word ‘reconciliation’ lol, I started sounding it in the moment and saw the words ‘reckoning’, ‘recognizing’, ‘silly’ and it clicked! Reconciliation as the process of recognizing our reckoning, our judgments that upon seeing them it makes me realize the silliness in moments where things ‘blow up’ between two or more people, where conflict emerges because one or the other was too ‘caught up in the mind’ to talk through it, to understand better, to consider another, to understand the situation and then make an informed and stable decision of in fact deciding to part ways or ‘stop a relationship’ with someone or work things out.

This is in fact something that I haven’t lived in relation to certain people in the past and I can see that with the one person I’d like to actually live reconciliation I haven’t approached her yet because I was still existing in a reluctance to admit my own silliness, how I in fact allowed myself to get so absolutist in my experience back then that I justified the action of stopping that friendship and even saw it as some kind of ‘courageous move’ within me, which at the time sure, it was part of a how I was looking at my life and so people/everything in this world  – but looking back, I know things could have been different, even if it was in fact time for us to ‘part ways’ it could have done in a much more gentle, supportive and understanding way.

Here I look back to the point of reconciliation, where many times we want to hold ourselves ‘intact’ and ‘right’ in our assessment of things, but it takes actual humbleness to see where we became too egotistical, too righteous, too absolutist, too inflexible within ourselves not to see what we were in fact doing and acting out of certain beliefs, ideas or religion of self – and within doing so, being able to admit to oneself and see how we tend to blow things out of proportion when we are in our minds, where we want to ‘stand true’ to our egos and believe that ‘I am right, the other one is wrong and end of the story’ and how this solidifies the idea that we have of ourselves that at times takes a lot of chiseling to start ‘tearing apart’ because we become ‘rock hard’ in such definitions the longer we hold them as ‘true’ and ‘right’ and ‘honest’ over time.

First point is then to be willing to admit one’s mistakes, daring to questioning oneself is the key to start seeing ‘where’ and ‘how’ something that we are judging as ‘obvious’ towards the world out there hasn’t been lived in a very ‘obvious’ manner within self and within that, then moving to create and live the words that I now see I haven’t unconditionally lived within me.

Seeing the point further, it is not so much to live ‘reconciliation’ with another as a first step, as much as it is reconciliation ‘towards’ another within ourselves, in our minds, in our behavior, in how we decide to be towards them from now on.

The first point is to recognize this silliness,  this egotistical manners within ourselves, be able to self-forgive all of the ideas, beliefs, perceptions that we have or had about something/someone in order to create humbleness, to ‘de-armor’ ourselves, to chisel down the rock-hard ego, to step down from one’s high horse, to stop living in a haughty-position, to be willing to be vulnerable, to recognize one’s own thoughts, words, deeds as flawed or not the best ways in particular contexts where we know we created a consequence that till this day might remain as a ‘sour’ thought or memory in our heads.

Many times we also limit ourselves in establishing this reconciliation because we condition it to ‘the other person’ like ‘Ah, they are not interested in talking to me or ‘making amends’ with me anymore, so I rather not even try and just let it go’ and that’s another form of ego there as well. So, how I decide to do this is first recognize my own actions, my ‘silliness’ as the reasons I created back then to part ways, to ‘cut ties’ in quite a sudden and rather tyrannical manner to be honest. Self-forgive the guilt, the shame, the regret for doing this and then asses practically: do I want to establish a connection with this/that person or people or group that once part of my life again? And take it from there.

I’ve been ‘meaning to do this’ with a particular (ex)friend of mine and for some reason or another I had not actually done it…well this ‘reason or another’ is in fact me still existing in a judgment towards my decisions and actions ‘back then’ so, by recognizing it, self-forgiving it and instead live a decision of who I decide to be with this person from who I am currently and approach them ‘from here’ makes much more sense to me, rather than trying to approach them from ‘who I was back then’ which is not necessary either, nor is it necessary to feel ‘bad’ about it, that only creates guilt trips, all it takes is sharing what I’ve realized now and how I see the situation from my current stance and current ‘pair of eyes’ so to speak.

Living self-forgiveness means being in fact ‘in the moment’ and expressing anew, yes to a person ‘from our past’ but expressing in fact as this process of self-reconciliation that I’m doing in relation to that friendship. And! at the same time being unconditional when approaching the other person, having no expectations or fears of the outcome – well if any fears emerge, they too can be written out and self-forgiven! What’s the worst that can happen? What do I fear losing? Etc. type of questions. It is a self-decision to do so, without expecting things to ‘be the same as before’ or ‘be friends again’ or ‘fearing being rejected’ or whatever else, but instead doing it for oneself, as a decision, as an expression in the moment – no strings attached.

So, I’ll share back how this works out, but I definitely wanted to share this point about ‘recognizing the silliness’ because it is truly silly what we become in our minds as these fortressed egos that nothing can ‘tear down’ that solidify with time if we continue justifying ‘why we did it’ and not question it at all.

Recognition starts with making a couple of questions to oneself and being willing to admit one’s part in it all, being willing to admit one’s ego in it all, one’s silliness when being taken over by some personality that was not in fact who we really know we can be in relation to others – the shame or regret that comes with it is a key to then take the next step to truly create a reconciliation within oneself and so in who we decide to be from here on towards others, regardless of how others take it/perceive it or act on it. It’s always about self and who self is in relation to oneself and so in relation to others.

And that’s how whatever we see in the world ‘out there’ as ‘things to do to create world peace’ can start being lived first and foremost in our day to day living, in our relationship towards others, even if people are dead/gone and can no longer be ‘relived’ as relationships, we can in fact correct those relationships within ourselves, through understanding who we were at the time, recognizing our ego at the time, what patterns were being lived in it and seeing what we can change in our memory towards them and why not, considering to now live such corrections and new ways of living towards others with whoever is now in our lives and in relationships to come. That’s what’s great about this process, there’s a timelessness to it because it’s not about ‘making peace’ with others, but it’s about making peace and solving things first and foremost within ourselves and so towards ‘the world’ as a result.

Thanks for reading

Check out these supportive audios at Eqafe.com without which I would not be able to draw these conclusions and live this self-support

 

 

 Reconciliation

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


580. Learning to Appreciate Myself

 

Or how I’ve walked through consequences of feeling ‘lonely’ and how I would create relationships from that starting point to where I currently am in transforming such emotional experience into an appreciation, understanding and embracing of myself and others as equals.  

 

I’ve been reflecting on several things these past days and one thing that I want to share about is realizing how I’ve  accepted and allowed to ‘give into’ a point of comfort and in a way ‘settling for the least’ in the past in order to stand in a point of perceived or believed ‘security’, of having ‘no-conflict’, of having certain apparent ‘control’ over someone or a situation and how that has eventually led me to create what I feared happening as the starting point of ‘who I am in my creation,’ which might seem like something ‘shitty’ to happen in one’s life, but as I share my story, it’s actually gotten me or ‘forced me’ to be at the place where I eventually had to be at, which is here.

For example, in relationships I had the tendency to create a relationship of dependency with the other person where I would ‘give myself’ to them and attempt to give them that which I believed and perceived they weren’t giving to themselves, which I used as a way to also ‘secure’ the relationship, to make sure they would not ‘run away’ because: no one else was giving that to them, not even themselves. And this is then covered up or disguised as a ‘benevolent act’ of trying to help another or ‘caring’ for another, and it is interesting because I actually knew what I was doing at the time but I would still decide in a conscious way to deceive myself, my self-honesty, and ‘do it anyways’ which is linked to another type of pattern that I’ve faced quite a bit in my life which is ‘rebelling’ against that anyone would advise me to do, where I would automatically just ‘do it because I’ve been told not to’ and not seeing through the actuality of the situation, which of course ends up only in showing myself the consequence of simply ‘doing it’ out of rebellion and not considering reality in its totality – learned lesson.

What I’ve realized in this is that no one can ever ‘warn us’ or ‘tell us’ what to do or not to do, because even if anyone reaches out to say so, we still have the ultimate decision on what we do and create. Therefore it’s actually quite a gift to acknowledge this responsibility, because there is nothing and no one to blame, but it is simply a deep realization that one can only ever deceive oneself. I definitely knew that I had been setting myself up for failure or future consequence and outcomes that would represent or ‘by default’ become the result of my very flawed starting points in, for example, creating a relationship which was standing in the shape of fear, fear of being alone, fear of ‘missing out’ on some experiences etc. or seen as a desire to ‘be complete’ in one way or another.  

If my starting point in my past relationships had been that of seeking a comfort zone where I would not be ‘left alone’ because of making the other person ‘dependent on me’ to ‘be ok within themselves’ and where they would not be in essence ‘good enough’ for themselves, then there was also that possibility of me having a certain control as in ‘ensuring the relationship’ or having this person in my life – apparently, again – which is completely flawed In the sense that it is a deceptive and self-interest starting point, because if I create something from the starting point of fear, wanting to dominate, wanting to control and in essence doing it all from the fear of ‘not being alone’ or ‘fear of being alone’ or ‘missing out’ or whatever else, well! Such apparently hidden starting point would eventually manifest the outcome of me having to stop a relationship because such consequences of choosing a flawed starting point would eventually come out in ways that I could foresee could happen before, but because of holding on to a ‘hope’ – which is in fact holding on to a convenient comfort-zone of wishing and thinking things will ‘go well in the end’ which is translated into ‘I hope that the truth of this deception won’t ever hit the fan’ type of thing – I simply kept the ball of deception rolling. 

But, who am I within such a decision? Yes, I was in fact existing in fear, in the constant suspense of something eventually happening that will force us to ‘break up’ because I simply knew that such possibility was there when I know I am not standing full, complete, whole within myself, but still creating a relationship from having at that time in my life felt ‘alone’ and so creating an idea of taking someone I could ‘support’ and ‘be with’ as a comfort zone masked or disguised as ‘support’ when in fact the actuality is that it was a way to not ‘feel alone’ anymore, which for sure had been a constant in my life up to that point.

So in essence I set myself up for failure in those situations and this is something I was aware of at a conscious level, yet! I did it anyways. And this is the point of self-sabotage that I want to share about as well as a self-reminder of how at times even when there’s this plain awareness of ‘self-sabotage’ about something, I’ve decided to ‘do it anyways’ based on deciding to go for the experience, to make decisions based on fears that are linked to ‘feelings’ and hopes and expectations, which are all non substantial reasons to make a decision such as who you’d like to spend your life with. And I knew it and I did it anyways, and I got my result to in a way bluntly show me and go through the experience of ‘this is what I decided to do, this is what I set myself up for’ which sure, it’s not a ‘pleasant’ experience, but in my case a very necessary one because after repeating this pattern for so many times in my life – almost in every single relationship I’ve had – it was about time I had to face some more ‘real-time’ outcomes that involved not only me and the other person but many more in it so that I could finally take my life seriously in that sense and stop hoping or dreaming of ‘changes’ happening according to my desired outcome.

What I’ve learned from this and from having repeatedly done this in my life is that I in a way decided to go through it almost to prove to myself – once again – why and how this cannot work, going through the somewhat ‘traumatizing’ situation of having to sort out an actual separation even in legal matters to now fully comprehend how ‘easily’ I gave into faith, hope and fear as the starting point of a relationship that had to end the way it did, because my starting point was flawed and I knew it all the way.

Now, something I’ve also learned is to not judge myself for it. I could be whining and saying I ‘lost’ x amount of time of my life, but I’ve instead managed to as with everything take it as a learning curve, getting to understand and see ‘who I was’ in every step of the way of such relationships, and it’s not the ‘me’ that is here as myself any longer – which is great – yet it is still a part of who I had been most of my life and it’s not something that’s just ‘gone’ but it is there and I am aware that I can decide to become that again or not, which is the same with any other patter, situation or conflictive experience within ourselves: we might have ‘gone past it’ now, but as with anything the potential is always there to recreate it if I decide to do so, it’s always up to me.

However I’ve now seen that it is only through this last consequence I created that I managed to ‘finally’ make a click within me and see what I was settling-with essentially. And here it’s not about diminishing or judging, criticizing ‘the other person’ at all. It is about what I decided, what my choices were, what my excuses, reasons and justifications were and how in full awareness of what I was doing and placing myself into, I simply ‘did it anyway’ in a form of blind faith and seeking some benefits and perceived convenience that led me to eventually yes, thankfully and through a sour consequence, burst the bubble and go back to square one of self-honesty.

Where I currently am in my life is definitely a different place, one where I know I would be prone to repeat myself if I follow ‘the same steps’ I’ve followed in my life before when it comes to relationships, and this time I’ve made sure that I get to focus on myself and fully see ‘who am I’ within this ‘aloneness’ point that had gotten me to seek out some kind of dependency before.

How have I gotten to do it? This process if for once ‘it’, there is no other way to get to appreciate me other than getting to know myself, every step of the way, learn to not judge me but understand my decisions, paths, choices and learn from it. Stopping for example creating some kind of obsessions and infatuations about people – of which I’ve been quite prone to do in the past – and instead get to appreciate me, live me, enjoy me, value me and this is something that has taken some time for sure, it’s all about making the decision to see myself with the same pair of eyes that I have tended to look at other people – specially males of course in my case – which I would turn into a form of attraction, desire or even ‘love’ and I’ve continued to test this out as I’ve been sharing in the past months with how I’ve been dealing with some points of ‘attraction’ or dare I call it ‘infatuation’ which has been quite a life-long habit in my life and I’ve finally learned to see it with a different set-of-eyes.

Last night I was watching an interview by another one of those people I have had what I can define as an ‘attraction to’ – yep another artist, etc. – and I definitely enjoy testing ‘who I am’ when seeing them, hearing their words, seeing how they move/express and seeing what moves within me. This time I noticed it has changed from how I would look at the person a few years ago and all that I would get is this slight churning within my solar plexus which is what I’d define as attraction and just leave it at that. Believing that ‘yes I like their personality’ and that’s it, but the reality is that I wasn’t looking any deeper than that because I wasn’t looking WITHIN myself deep enough, I wasn’t seeing myself as living words, I wasn’t seeing myself as these qualities that I actually enjoy about me, but was constantly looking ‘outside of myself’ for that, and the most common way was through creating ‘idols’ as in people I would admire – in the case of women – or develop these infatuations and attractions towards males.

So this time, I realized that what emerged within me was a sense of recognition of the other being for who they are, what they express, how they’ve come to be themselves and simply appreciate it, being thankful as well that there’s people in this world that throughout time I’ve been able to listen to and ‘get to know’ even in these very limited ways like through interviews or their creations and instead of only leaving my experience at a point of ‘excitement’ about them or infatuation, I’ve been able to transform that into a learning, appreciating the words that they are living within and as themselves.

 There was no longer that ‘desire’ in me, or that fleeting energetic bubble bursting up, in fact after I decide to face this ‘attraction’ in seeing, hearing them I am able to make a clear decision of changing the way in which I see another human being and instead turn that into an ‘embracing’ of sorts, which now that I see it is also what I would like any other person to do onto myself as well. I would definitely not want to be in their shoes and having someone being infatuated and obsessed ‘with me,’ because that surely is quite a point of separation to exist in, as I was existing in in terms of the actual relationships I formed and the relationships that I’d create in my mind in relation to all of these people that at one point or another I developed relationships with in my mind for the most part.

So, after watching that interview I realized how much I had transformed people – well males specifically – into objects of desire, of wanting to ‘possess’ someone because of what I believed I would get ‘from them,’ whereas now I am definitely at a place where there’s this self-fulfillment where I no longer go seeking this ‘other person’ to ‘fulfill me’ or ‘give me’ or ‘be for me’ that which I haven’t been able to live for myself. I can only now share myself, walk with, learn from and possibly contribute back, but that’s about it, there’s no ‘need’ any longer as I used to experience it in the context of personal relationships.

I’ve also seen how there has been this tendency throughout my life of expecting someone to ‘come into my life’ and appreciate me, value me for all that I am and have been through or have realized about myself, and every single time there’s that expectation within me, I’ve ended up disappointed, because it’s of course a flawed starting point, a desire for ‘someone else’ to do that which I hadn’t done for myself which is again appreciate me, enjoy me, be actually quite ‘fascinated’ by myself – and not in the narcissist kind of way lol – but in truly realizing that: I cannot ever fully share every single detail and moment of my life that I only know how I’ve gone through it, what I’ve developed within myself in every step of the way and have another ‘appreciate me’ for that. I can only do that for myself because I am the only one that has always ever been there with me, and this self-relationship and realization of ‘I got me and I will always do’ is quite a substantial one that I had known and become aware of at a ‘theory’ level, but I had not genuinely expressed that as a true form of embracing, gratitude and appreciation to myself, which is see if very much here now which I now am able to extend to anyone else according to what I express and give first to me. Which is how I realized I was able to change the ‘pair of eyes’ with which I look at people – again specially males I’ve been attracted to – and take from each ‘what’s best’ what words I see I can integrate from them within myself and ‘complete me’ that way, get to live what I yearned of others.

How does this ‘feel’ like or ‘translates’ to? Being comfortable with myself, with being alone as well and so being comfortable towards others too. I used to be the kind that was constantly yearning to not be alone or be in a relationship to have some constant companion and something to ‘focus on’ or ‘be for’, but I’ve realized and seen how I am quite fine by myself and that translates to being also quite fine and comfortable when being with a partner. Surely, I enjoy being sharing, expressing with another but even that would not be a constant point of stability, enjoyment, sharing and expression if I had not first developed myself within this path I just described and gotten to start living these words for and as myself first, so that a relationship therefore doesn’t become another ‘dependency’ point which I’m seeing is definitely possible as well and something that’s quite ‘new’ to me too.

Many times people having similar patterns to the one I’ve just described in relation to ‘relationships’ as the ‘weakness point’ in one’s life, we tend to make of relationships that ‘completion’ point, and I’ve been looking at this quite intently and testing myself out in the way I see people that for example I used to be ‘attracted to’ because of liking their expression or their skills or ‘ways of being’ and principles, values etc. And last night as I mentioned, I realized I no longer turn that into some kind of ‘physical attraction’ or ‘desire’ to have a relationship with that person, but instead has become a seeing within another their potentials, their ‘wisdom’ if you will as their very unique and individual experiences and expression. I decided to no longer look at another through the eyes of ‘infatuation’ or ‘I want to have a relationship with you so that I can have that which I see you are/have,’ but instead I take the words that I see or perceive they are embodying and living and make them part of myself, and some other things I simply appreciate them for, for what they stand for and do which at times it’s something quite unique and that I can only see and understand is an expression of what’s ‘here’ as ourselves and that’s it, embrace it, enjoy it- but not try and ‘possess it’ anymore, which is very liberating.

I am more learning to see people as equals in fact, not as ‘objects of desire’ which is of course a point of separation from myself. I’m learning to see and appreciate others for who they are and no longer go ‘wishing’ or ‘desiring’ a relationship as a ‘short cut’ to actually get to live and be ‘that’ for myself, which is a very cool position to be at really, it stops a lot of the ‘mindfucks’ and instead it has opened myself up a true appreciation of someone’s existence, someone’s expression, someone’s work, someone’s words and experiences for what they are.

I was laughing at myself last night when seeing this because I never thought I would be in that position of being able to ‘appreciate’ another human being at that level, where it is devoid of a ‘feeling’ or ‘fears’ but simply in the expression of ‘I see you’ and in a way appreciating ‘who they are’ as their expression, that ‘role’ or part of life they represent. I used to be the kind that would even disregard everything that I’ve learned from fellow humans in my ever-constant idea that there was ‘no point’ in life and that we should all just be doomed to be washed away from the face of the Earth. It’s been a long walk since I was living that kind of statements, I was sooo limited! So veiled by my own emotions and minimized view of myself and so of the rest of the world, but I don’t judge it, it’s just what it is, I am rather thankful and grateful I didn’t give up on myself and have continued to push through and get to where I am now.

It is so that I could not have gotten myself to see, express and realize these things before at all, it’s all ‘here’ right now as a result of all the years of self work through and with the Desteni tools and yes, some very necessary consequences in my life, some ‘hard spots’ to go through for me to understand the starting point of my creation and the consequences that I create when making decisions based on desires, hope, feelings and fears and now realizing more about myself, getting to appreciate myself more than ever before – not to place my on a pedestal as superiority here either – but simply in that realization of how I’ve come to where I am currently and no longer judging me for all of the past decisions, mistakes, deception that I’ve participated on, but understanding it as what in a way I decided to walk through to teach me something, to show me in real time and manifested consequences what happens if I miss ‘myself’ in the equation of my life and so instead turn that ‘missing’ into a me-is-here, realizing I’ve got potential, I decide what to live and express, up to me and my possibilities and willingness to do it, which is in fact a very liberating and expansive realization.

Thanks for reading.

 

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