Category Archives: Self-Responsibility

605. What can I learn about myself in natural disasters?

What I experienced the past month was a literal shaking of my foundation, of all that I took for granted, of everything that I believed would be there ‘forever’ and suddenly see the constant changes that can be triggered in our lives sometimes in a literal shocking and destructive manner.

I have dwelled with sorrow at the images of what has been going on in my country, however in that I had been forgetting to see beyond the immediate death and destruction, and instead see the potentials that we have now that everyone has been ‘shaken up to wake up’ in a quite raw manner.

I’ve been talking to some of my friends and I consider we could see such ‘shock’ in our faces, I saw it in mine and the usual comments are related to understanding how the foundation is being shaken, there’s something to become aware of which is usually associated with ‘the Earth being angry at us’ and so ‘punishing us’ with earthquakes, but I consider we all deeply know it is part of an outflow and consequences we have created from a long, long time ago. If anything we can use these cataclysms as ways to wake up from our slumber and start seeing what are we taking for granted, where we are stopping ourselves from doing something based on an emotional experience instead of using what we have in our reality to make the most of our lives.  

There’s a certainty that I’ve gathered through becoming aware of and walking this process of self-transformation and self-change, and that is how most of the times the only way for us to actually get to a point of change is through facing consequence, sometimes very harsh, painful, traumatic and shocking and in this, it’s not to imply that ‘that is what we need,’ but it is a process of accumulating actions and reactions, which cause consequences. I won’t go into speculating ‘why’ it all happened, but it is sufficient to have our foundation rocked to snap out of our alienation towards each other and start focusing on the basics that we’ve taken for granted.

In my case I have discovered to what extent the process of assimilating the levels of destruction can affect my own stability, where the environment around me as the reality I’ve always ‘walked through’ suddenly became a danger zone, inhabitable, in danger of collapsing, seeing its pieces on the floor… I had to process it for a while and even as I write this, there’s this idea coming up of how I am making a ‘big deal’ out of this, I’m focusing more on seeing infrastructure collapse or fall apart – which yes, was certainly a first read and impression. However as days have followed, I’ve been investigating more within and without with others in my community how these events have disrupted their lives in an emotional, financial and even ‘spiritual’ ways which some others claim it is only a temporary ‘awakening’ and soon enough everyone will go back to ‘the same old,’ and I don’t deny that this could happen, but I do what I can to now reflect on how I’ve lived it and take from it what I can learn for myself.

I realized that there was a desire to feel as ‘helpful’ as many others that went to directly assist people to get others out of collapsed buildings or were directly involved in delivering foods and construction materials to those that lost everything they had. I didn’t particularly seek out to assist as in traveling somewhere to do it, my immediate environment wasn’t as damaged so I focused on checking out the most damaged area of my city.

I held conversations with people to know more about how they experienced such earthquakes wherein I could reflect my own fears of losing it all, of imagining having my house suddenly collapse and losing everything which is definitely an apparent worst case scenario. However as I’ve heard people saying to others in a very nonchalant way, if one doesn’t stand back up from this one, it means we are not living life to the fullest and instead allow ourselves to be weakened by it. It is so that times of crisis are great opportunities to rebirth ourselves, to start anew, to recreate, redirect, to innovate, to change our ways and it is also true that this is not going to be a ‘uniform’ process where one single catastrophe will be ‘digested’ the same way by each person, however it is there for everyone to take in or leave it as a catalyst to become more aware of ourselves, to question things further in terms of what we do in our lives, how we live, what we regards of value and worth.

An example is how I required to see such movement to compile things for people that lost it all in order for me to take a couple of days to actually clean up my closets and get to see which clothes I could get rid of and finally give them away, instead of harboring it all within a stubborn thought of ‘I might need it someday’ and place priority over ‘preference’ and give direction to giving it away, regardless of the fears of it not arriving to the ‘right people’ – based on what has happened to a lot of the aid given these days. I decided to do what I could to give it to people that I know could get it to be taken to the right place.

I questioned how I needed to see such ‘dire need’ in order to put that fire under my ass to move to get clothes out of my closet, and at the same time realize how much I have invested on all of those clothes throughout the years in a form of insanity that I am now placing as a point to watch out for based on following trends from the generations that have gone before me, where stocking up on clothes and other things becomes a way to live in fear, to stash stuff ‘just in case’ and in that, there’s a compulsion that I only got to reflect on when comparing what I had to what many lost in a matter of seconds.

I’ve also been constantly more aware of the latent fear of death that can exist if one focuses too much on knowledge and information, on thinking about the potential aftershocks and what ifs, but even if one has a plan, there are many things that we cannot ever predict, we cannot ever control and instead we can only make peace with where we’re at in such moments where disaster knocks our door and trust ourselves in being able to act in the moment in the best way possible.

However here the focus then becomes on living, not on constantly watching out ‘where one is’ in fear of having another great shake happening. Sure, I have been cautious specially when walking around downtown where old buildings are and sure some of them are falling apart bit by bit at times, and sure there’s that caution and awareness, but I have also challenged such fear that has prevented so many from going out normally, which has caused a stagnation in the city, causing people to not be making the usual amount of money to live and in that of course causing economic problems that are not good for anyone.

What I can do? Lead a life of normalcy and working on my own normalcy to not dive into fears, be cautious and aware yet without loading the constant ‘fear of death’ or something ‘really bad’ happening now – it is a form of PTSD that many people are dealing with currently. Many are having problems with sleeping, many are being shaken into a point of fear by the minutest earth movements experienced, many that were affected are suddenly having their financial plans disrupted, as it happens with any emergency in our worlds/lives.

What I did was realize that living in fear is not really living at all, just rehashing in my mind a constant state of probabilities that lead to a worst case scenario – and I’ve been working on it to instead focus on the physicality of things, what is existing in the moment while reminding myself that I can only trust myself to act as fast as I can wherever I get to be if/when similar situations were to happen again.

There are others that fear the potential collapse that this can bring, however one thing that I’ve had to remind myself many times is how in order for the new to emerge, we have to get rid of the old, and no it doesn’t meant that we have to ‘destroy it all’ but it does mean that sometimes – again – shocking events like these do become a catalyst for change, for openings, for innovations, for restructuring things that we would not have otherwise questioned, because in stability everything is kept in a sense of normalcy, an ‘everything is ok’ and ‘there’s nothing to improve or work on’ and when such foundation is rocked, well guess what? One finds out there’s a can of worms that opens up for us to look at, which is not nice, not pretty, it has been disheartening most of the times yet, it is part of how we’ve collectively caused these consequences in a way that it’s beyond our awareness at the moment.

And this is me not only writing about ‘the external,’ but what I’ve realized about myself and how I had seen and lived within me before these events and how this whole past month became one big fuzziness of days after days of not doing something entirely productive for myself, where I did allow myself to get consumed by the information of what was going on, where I went into an experience of ‘not knowing what I should do’ and in that paralyze and not do anything at all other than reflecting on it, seeing how I felt about it but still being caught in the fear of the situation for many reasons, because here it wasn’t only the earthquake that happened, but the realization of how vile our human nature can be in times of utmost disaster when it comes to money/power/political interests and opportunism, which translated in an increased sense of collective paranoia, insecurity and fear that has taken some time for some of us that ‘dwelled’ too much on it.

And that’s the thing there, I have had the time to dwell too much in it, to think about the situation because of not directly doing something about it, and that’s what I realize I can now learn from and consider next time. Instead of being thinking, worrying and fearing about it, to see what can I do to continue to have a purposeful existence even in the face of disasters, having uncertainty, fears, stress, worry, concern based on the reality of what has happened.  

Here I also had to let go of the guilt felt for not actually going somewhere to help, but do what I was able to do and what I willed myself to do without compromising or going into a sense of duty based on morality of what’s good or bad. I decided to be more of an available point of communication for those that were more shaken by the situation for whichever reason, and in that assist myself to talk through about it wherein I realized how in my attempt to ‘support others’ I was also assisting myself to voice the ways through, to create clarity about things and to be also sincere in the situation without adding some magical twist of it all such as ‘things happen for a reason’ or that kind of thing, but simply seeing what can we create within ourselves in the aftermath, what can we collectively wake up to and change.

And in that, I also saw a lot of people suddenly care about things that would not have been a regular point of awareness of, however I have to realize that it is up to each individual to take on these events as catalysts for self-change an so collective change or let it go by, just like a sudden bump on the road and going back to the same old without any further improvement.

Do we really need to be shaken this way to wake up? Based on the principle of what’s best for all, it is not. However crisis, suffering, loss or facing our ‘worst case scenarios’ many times do become such wake up call for us to reflect on.

What can I take from this? How many of us have been divided and conquered in the face of stability, of status quo, of our reality being seemingly ‘immovable’ and how the moment that things literally fall apart, this sense of community, solidarity emerge, and how such solidarity emerges only in the face of catastrophe but not being ‘there’ all the time. My point is to remind myself and each other of how we don’t need such grave forms of destruction and suffering in order to change, however I cannot prevent it either nor judge it whenever we get to create such consequences again and instead, see it as a result of a process to take us back to the self-awareness and self-investigation spot: what can I learn from what I’ve been going through? And in my case it’s got to do to realizing how much the literal shakes in life affected my inner stability until I decided to stop feeding myself too much information about it and get to continue focusing on what I want to live and create in my life.

There is also a need for me to make peace with the fact that reality changes and how it can change drastically ‘overnight’ without notice and how I/we cannot prevent such sudden changes, we can only learn to adapt, learn to understand the outflows of our creation in order to see what can we learn from consequence, from our mistake in order to now build the new – within and without – and that’s a way to make a ‘good use’ so to speak of these situations, to see what got ‘shaken up’ within myself based on what I saw and experienced in my external reality and seeing where and how I am still defining myself on based on the things that I see such as the environment that I had taken for granted as ‘immovable’ or almost ‘invincible’ over time. It has shown me the fragility of that which seems colossal and strong which again, is a way to reflect it back to myself and how I’ve discovered this month to what extent I still play the ‘strong and tough’ one but in the inside actually suppressing the emotions, the sorrow, the pain that I’ve experienced in various ways throughout this year and that I had kept it within myself in a very suppressed way in order to make believe that ‘I’m fine and done with it’ but it’s not so, and I have to make peace with the processing or digesting of situations, with the time it takes for me to truly ‘heal’ from situations in my life and in that to understand the opening for recreation that all of these seemingly bad, awful and ‘negative’ things happening in our lives.

I’ve definitely learned to skip the ‘why us’ question to seeing straight to what we can get out of ourselves to show the better versions that we can be, not only in the face of disaster as a condition to do so, but now really testing ourselves to see how much we are willing to continue assisting, supporting ourselves and others in the measure of our capacity, regardless of losing everything or having things falling apart around us in order to push ourselves to do so.

Lastly, I’ve had to walk through the bits of anger that come up when seeing the protagonist role corruption has had when it comes to the deviation of resources for aid here, I’ve seen people get angry and bitter about it, plainly pissed off… I haven’t even been able to express that, I went straight into sadness and had to remind myself that it’s nothing really shocking or new for that matter, though I had ‘hoped’ that based on this all being during times of distress that people would at least curb their ‘corrupt ways’ to a certain extent, but in some other ways it was simply harnessed as more opportunities to steal, cheat or deceive in order to feed certain delusions of power and control.  I’ve had to make peace with the realization that not even the most ‘tragic events’ would bring about a sudden instant change in humanity and how this will all depend on each individual, but it isn’t at all about a collective ‘one way ticket to self-awareness’ development with the experience of a crisis like this.

I’ve also come to appreciate the few people I can talk to and relate to on a deeper level that seem to see things in a similar way that I do, even if it’s using different terms or ways to get to the same conclusion, I am also glad that this has become a catalyst to start talking about things that would have probably sounded too ‘out of this world’ before, and that now are becoming more of an accepted way, such as the impact that we can have on our extreme weather, how certain scientific tenets are suddenly being massively placed into question, how the constructs of power are even more so placed into question more than before, and just like the ‘opening of the can of worms’ it’s never a nice or pretty thing to do or sight, however it is a very necessary process  if we want to get to face ourselves.

To me this is a level of ‘self process’ that relates to my environment, to how I relate to it, how I had taken people and places for granted and at the same time how I had become dependent on these ‘never changing scenarios’ in my reality and suddenly having to deal with changes that I’ve seen have had an effect on me that I would not have become aware of if none of these earthquakes or extreme weather conditions would have happened.

Lastly, I can only speak more as a spectator than an actual person that faced any real hardship. I only became a spectator of people’s reactions and assimilation of the situation, and realized I cannot do much more than continue doing what I have been doing up to now, to dedicate my life to becoming the potential that I am aware I can become and in that become aware of the flaws, the weaknesses that I allow to direct and control me such as ‘paralyzing in fear’ type of experience that I’ve gone through in the past weeks, learning from it, not judging myself from such experience – but standing up from it in the realization that, I now know what it is like to be encapsulated in endless threads of information, developing paranoia and fear about the situation and instead continue living as usual.

I can recommend the new audios at eqafe.com where weather and nature are explained in a way that clarifies what it means to say that natural disasters are existential consequences we are facing

And this public chat about ‘helping’ others that has been quite supportive as well to understand this pattern.

 

 Resilience

 

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595. All that Could Have Been…

Or walking through and identifying an experience of regret through self-forgiveness

So, as I was watching a video today on Facebook from Leila at the Desteni farm, I saw that I had this knot in my throat forming – emotional experience – because of how much I have appreciated her throughout all of these years and the bond that I created with her at the time when I lived at the farm for a year.

And then, I went into thinking once again how my life could have been if I had gone there, how I could be sharing my own video about ‘deciding to be there’ as I am also seeing others are taking that opportunity and living it, and so the ‘inevitable’ came up which is realizing a form of regret from not having made that decision in my life to live there even though I said many times to everyone ‘I would’ and how this has also been more ‘latent’ these past days for various reasons and situations, which has become a point that has been lingering literally in the back of my head and going into feeling sorry for myself, my decisions, feeling ashamed for ‘the decisions I made’ and in a way entertaining too much of this ‘what could have happened if’ which is definitely not a supportive thing to do at all and so here I share self-forgiveness on it, because I see this is a ‘biggie’ that I’ve held on to for so many years in my life, kind of trying to ‘stick to my decision’ and justify it in many ways.

But I deep down within me know as well what were all the reasons, ideas, justifications behind it all and come now to terms to ‘who I was’ back then and as such why I made the decisions I made ‘back then’ and within that, realize that I just wasn’t ‘who I am now’ back then to make a different decision, to see and assess things differently and so embrace the ‘flaws’ and ‘mistakes’ that I believe I have made in terms of deciding things in my life before – it is part of walking through regret and learning to let go of it, which is a process that comes mostly through forgiving myself for it and walking it practically in every moment that I see myself wanting to go into the ‘mental torturing chamber’ of ‘what ifs’ and ‘all that could have been’ –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret my decision to create and develop a particular relationship in my life instead of having taken the opportunity to go to the farm and live there and develop myself there, all within the idea, reason and excuse that I could make a difference in someone’s life, which upon seeing that there was no difference made in fact, I then have allowed myself to go into an idea of ‘time was wasted’ when in fact, I have to remind myself that I was very much there all the way through in that decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this idea of ‘the past’ and ‘what I could have been and done’ as something that I compare myself to whenever I see the lives of people at the farm, instead of realizing how it is not supportive at all to be doing this to myself, to be holding myself captive to my decisions in the past and now seeing it all through remorse from ‘who I currently am’ looking at all the reasons why my decision ‘back then’ was flawed, instead of realizing that who I was ‘back then ‘ was existent in a particular context, timeframe, a particular experience that I had which I used as a reason, excuse and justification to make certain decisions in my life, which I have to here actually self-forgive for and let go completely of ‘all that could have been’ idea about myself, my life and my outcomes.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having created a relationship within the expectation of being able to have an impact in someone’s life and upon seeing such ‘expectation’ simply not happening, not being ‘fulfilled’ going into a sense of ‘losing time/wasting time/wasting resources’ and ‘wasting my life’ within such relationship, instead of realizing how it was in fact something I decided to do and was very certain of within myself at the time, which indicates that I have to learn how to ‘look back’ and see ‘who I was’ within it all in the context that it existed ‘at that time,’ because I am realizing how torturing it can be to want to see things ‘back then’ from who I currently am and in doing so wanting to change my decisions and go into these ‘potential scenarios’ of ‘what could have happened IF’ I had done this/that,  instead of learning to truly embrace and accept my decisions and stop judging myself for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the decisions I made a couple of years ago based on ‘who I currently am’ and how I am seeing myself, my life, my decisions, my potential currently which is certainly not the same as ‘who I was’ back then when I was there all the way making such changes and decisions in my life, therefore this is a point of me coming to terms with what I’ve decided to do or not do in my life and embrace what I did decide to do and create, and embrace its failures, mistakes, fallouts and turning points, because that is also what I see has had a ‘hold’ of me in terms of becoming comfortable with mistakes, but at the same time still holding on to a ‘what could have been’ which is in essence a very unnecessary way of tormenting myself within playing out these different scenarios of ‘what could have happened IF’ I had made this or that decision – instead, I have to completely take a deep breath, let go of that past and instead focus on what’s here for me to be, do, expand and create in my life – otherwise I’d be enslaving myself to ‘the past’ and spending my time feeling sorry about myself and my decisions, my perceived ‘failures’ and ‘mistakes’ instead of realizing how much I have also learned from that, including the first hand realization of what happens when I place myself in a ‘secondary position’ within the creation of a relationship and focusing on ‘doing it for the benefit of another’ which is again, not having a clear starting point within myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having created a relationship with a starting point of commiseration, which in fact does not reveal feeling ‘pity’ about another and their life and desiring to ‘make it all better for them only’ but rather  realizing that I was in fact as a starting point feeling pity about myself, about my life and how in doing so, I decided to create something within a flawed starting point resulting in an outcome that could obviously not stand ‘the test of time’ because of not having an equal relationship of self support in it, which I have come to accept and realize – though here for me, it is specifically about not seeing that whole creation point as ‘wasted time’ where I could have been doing other things, because the reality is that at that time I wasn’t seeing my life, my reality, my capacity and what I really want to live and do in my life as clearly as I consider I see it currently – which is part of also being considerate towards myself and not judge me for ‘the decisions I made’ in the past, or judge myself as being ‘too blind’ to see reality and then judge myself for the decisions made and the ‘failing’ outflows of such decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have avoided seeing my past relationship as a ‘failure’ due to seeing the word ‘failure’ as something that I would have avoided having in my life, instead of realizing how it’s actually a part of life, living, learning by making mistakes, taking ‘the wrong turn’ and making my way back to square one which does not only happen in relationships or over long periods of time, but it is something that I am prone to create in my day to day basis and as such I can only focus on identifying the ‘failure’ as a point to change and commit myself to do walking the correction, learning from it, but no longer judging myself for it.

Here I realize that I am the only one that has judged me all the way through in a very suppressed manner, which I have to now open up and come to terms with, because I definitely keep myself in a cage within this regret to ‘what I’ve done’ and ‘the choices I made’ within a certain phase in my life which is creating currently a ‘noise’ within me that is still causing me to not be entirely clear, accepting and embracing of myself, my current reality, my current decisions and point of self-creation, because of still in a very subtle way holding on to this ‘all that could have been different IF’ this/that decision in my life had been different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of pride within me to apparently be very aware of my decisions made, be very considerate of ‘who I was’ when I made the decisions and who I am currently in it – though in that not really looking at how I was still holding on a relationship to this ‘parallel life potential’ that I ‘could have developed’ if I had decided to for example go to the farm and develop myself there and how I have experienced a regret for not doing so and going into statements of ‘I really didn’t want to go there in fact’ when the reality is that any point of preference, dislike or ‘not wanting to’ is based on fears, limitations and not really wanting to be challenged in ways that I know I was challenged by when living there for a year, so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel regret for having made decisions in my life based on wanting to remain in a particular comfort zone and/or deciding to instead create a relationship wherein  my starting point was ‘wanting to change another/wanting to be ‘that change’ for another or in another’s life, instead of placing the focus on me first, what I really want for myself – though, here also realizing that I didn’t really ‘know’ exactly what I wanted or more like I didn’t dare to actually write it out and actively create it for myself back then, I was more within a position of ‘settling with the least’ in a way within me, which I manifested and lived out for some time until consequence – gladly so – hit the fan and I was able to wake up and start looking at what I had set up myself for.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for the decisions I made, for who I became in the decisions made within again this starting point of ‘who I was in the past’ instead of realizing that I have to embrace, accept that nature of me at the time and that it is still a part of me that I have to continue to learn to change, align and embrace as an aspect of myself that I can only now redirect, change, redefine towards a supportive outcome, such as now not settling ‘for the least’ or within a perceived ‘comfort zone,’ but actually embrace and move towards creating a life where I know I can be more challenged, where I can get out of a comfort zone – which doesn’t necessarily mean having to wait to ‘go somewhere else’ but I can start doing so from where I am and how I currently am living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a resistance to going into places like Instagram because of avoiding seeing pictures of people at the farm, all the farm projects and developments and life there because of perceiving that I gave that up as part of my life and that I would become jealous of them having such lifestyle even though I am aware I ‘turned down’ that decision to go there and so this is of course not about ‘others’ and ‘their lives’ or ‘what they publish’ but it all has to do with my relationship of regret, of ‘what ifs’ and ‘all that could have been’ associated with this parallel-life path that I’ve held on to throughout several years now in my mind within this intermittent idea of ‘I should have gone there’ and having gone to live at the farm or not, instead of deciding to embrace my decision and stop creating a comparison of where I am and what I currently am doing with the lives of others.

Comparison can be such a fuckup really, because in that one only focuses on these ‘ideas’ of what others’ lives are like and what ‘my life’ could have been like, instead of focusing on what’s here, what’s in my reality, what I can do and create in it, as is and if there’s something I am not satisfied with then looking at expanding it – it’s entirely up to me and it’s in my hands – so here realizing that the healthiest thing to do is to entirely let go of this idea of ‘I should have gone there’ or ‘I let that opportunity go’ in that particular timeframe in the past, which of course is not ‘here’ any longer and as such, I have to remind myself any time that this ‘I should have gone there’ experience comes up,  that it’s done, it’s not ‘here’ anymore, I let go and focus on my reality within the simplicity of realizing I made such choices, I own my creation and stop wallowing in regret about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the belief of ‘being able to turn back time’ and seeing myself making a different choice because I am fully aware of who I was when I made certain decisions in my life and I did say such things to myself as ‘realizing that I am fully aware of my decision’ and being entirely into it at that time, which means that such idea as in ‘going back in time’ is nothing else but a very torturing mental entertainment that has no purpose in my reality.

I have to instead rather make sure I learn from such past, to learn how I made certain decisions within a belief of ‘benefiting others’ or ‘wanting to change others’ instead of focusing entirely on me, my life, what I want to create and co-create with another in the future to come, which is then where I can make sure that I am entirely committing to and agreeing with the path that I decide to walk – and no longer compromise within ideas of ‘benefiting others’ or ‘doing it for others’ in any way anymore, which has actually been quite a constant in my life where I’ve ended up living more ‘for others’ than living my own life fully and along with that create and establish relationships and plans that are equally supportive for all people involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having believed that I didn’t know what ‘regret’ was because ‘I was there all the way’ in making certain decisions and choices in my life and being ‘aware’ of that, but I see now that regret in me exists as this ‘holding on to’ the potential ‘what if’ scenario or ‘all that could have been’ different – usually imagined within a positive light – IF I had not taken this/that decision in my life, which is then how regret becomes a torturing mind entertainment that has no value in my current life, and therefore I let go of it within the realization that I can only now reflect on that time in my life, the decisions made and embrace it as part of ‘who I was’ and all its harms and charms at the time, which become experiences I can learn from and stand up from now in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I had to excuse myself towards others for my decisions made, that I had to ‘leave things clear for them’ only, instead of seeing that in doing so I was only trying to ‘clean up my act’ as a way to justify my decisions because I was the only one existing in a judgment and ultimately a regret about them, which has been opening up lately as I’ve seen people now making the decision to live in the farm which is something that I procrastinated for many years and eventually let go of as a possibility in my life, which I now embrace as my decision and my creation.

Now here not to make me feel better or go into hope, but that is gone, done, can’t go ‘back’ at all to change my mind and my decisions – but who knows also what I can decide to create in a future time and how I can finally ‘face the point’ again, maybe not in the same way I thought I would in the past years, but still as long as I am alive, I decide what kind of doors I open and close and this is the real focus here, being able to embrace my decisions, my past, my doings, my non-doings and stop judging myself for it all, because as I mentioned several times already it becomes torturing, emotional and a waste of breaths that I could be directing to what I truly have to focus on doing now.

So here I commit myself to stop giving into any potential outflows as imaginations of ‘all that could have been’ and ‘all the mistakes I could have prevented in my life’ If I had made this or that decision – I let go of the past while also embracing it as actually a very ‘necessary’ consequence in a way that I am now going through in order to see how far I can take myself when not focusing on ‘myself/my own life’ but more so focusing on ‘wanting to save/change others’ lives’ or ‘wanting to be there for others’ and/or even more so doing so in a form of spite of ‘demonstrating to others that I can care for another that has ‘not been cared for’ by others before’ and in a way realizing that ultimately I only spited myself back within deciding to have such starting point in my life and relationships – what is left to do? I can only forgive myself for it, embrace it, learn from it and let go of it to the point where I can recall ‘what has been,’ as the memories that I have in me and breathe every time any sensation of regret as ‘all that could have been’ idea comes into mind – and in that focus directly back to where I am, who I am, what I can do, be and create here where I’m at.

Ok, checking… empty of this point for now? seems so – therefore I’ll share anything else if it continues to open up as I walk this point real time. This is one of those examples of when we can interact with things even in our ‘computers’ and if we see something ‘moving’, we can take that initiative to investigate, open it up, write it out and in a way clear one’s relationship to the point/thing we saw that we had reacted to.

Thanks for reading !

 

A supportive audio to embrace and walk through one’s ‘backchat’ and learn to self-forgive it, is here:

Who Are You When Challenged – The Future of Awareness – Part 91

 

For more on Self-Forgiveness:


Difficult Moments of Self Forgiveness – Back to Basics

Realization and Forgiveness – Journeys Into the Afterlife – Part 90

Realizations Take Time to Create – Back to Basics

Real Forgiveness vs. Feel Good Forgiveness – Life Review

 

Nostalghia

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582. From Resentment to Learning and Appreciating

 

Or walking through a revision of past relationships and learning to let go of ‘what once was’, keeping what was good while also opening up current opportunities to communicate and learn from myself and others.

So, continuing on the point of reconciliation within self and then extending it to some people in my life. It really only takes one’s will to get things done, a decision to look at it and in self-honesty just move and do the connections, do the writings, sending the messages or emails and get it done, I really have no excuse to do this nowadays with our multiple ways to connect through the internet, so it was just a matter of ‘doing it’ and so it’s done.

It was interesting to send messages to people that I know I had been particularly arrogant and short-sighted towards, in a way yes explaining a bit of my context back then in my interactions with them and how I’d like to apologize for my behavior and abrupt ways towards them. These are people that even if we are not ‘on the same page’ anymore, I’ve tested this out some two years ago with another past friend of mine how it was quite supportive to simply get in contact again, have some coffee together and get past the ‘itch’ of having ended up things in an ‘awkward way’ after being quite close friends – best friends actually – for a few years over a decade ago. In the same way I also decided to ‘touch base’ with another friend that I had also been procrastinating to contact for some months now and in a way reminding myself to not be the one that ‘let’s things dry’ because of not nurturing relationships, and in doing so forgetting how much I do enjoy sharing myself with people and not only in this format of writing a blog but in actual one on one communication.

I’ve looked at the word ‘miser’ lately and how I tend to in a way isolate myself, even more so when things are going quite stable, fine in my life and not consider sharing more of myself with others when things are ‘quite alright’ on my end. Meaning, I’ve seen how the pattern in my life has been of mostly keeping in contact with others when being ‘longing’ for communication or ‘desiring’ some kind of contact with others or feeling down and in a way wanting to establish a point of support for me through getting in contact with others. In other words, I’ve seen how in my case I had tended to create relationships because of not being ‘ok’ and ‘stable’ within myself, or having sought validation, appreciation or ‘self-worth’ through relationships and friendships. I realize how I haven’t yet decided to create relationships without having a ‘need’ for it such as having an experience of dread within me like feeling that ‘I need to talk to someone’ or out of wanting someone to ‘hear my problems’ or vice versa where I played ‘the savior’ with friends and partners as my way to be relevant in someone’s life, but that’s in the past.

So the new starting point is establishing communication is simply through making a decision to get to see how another is doing and where they’re at in their lives and simply saying ‘Hi! I’m here!’ and having no further pretense on it, which is what I decided to do today as a result of deciding to live the word reconciliation with certain people I had kept in a ‘bottle’ within myself tagged as ‘conflictive situations’ and had buried it somewhat deep down in the sands of time so as to apparently not have to ‘face them’ at any point again. But I know they come up in my awareness, therefore I knew that I still had to give a direction to it, which I did just today.

I’d like to share a bit about my physical experience while writing to both of them. A noticeable kind of ‘wavering’ emerged in my solar plexus, a bit of a heaviness as well because of believing ‘I don’t know where to start’ but didn’t dwell much on it. I started with whatever came up in the moment, something that has recently led me to think of them or remember them and from there share a bit more about myself, leading to going ‘straight to the point’ of what I consider I wanted to share with them for some time now which is apologizing for how I treated them before, explaining a bit of my context at the time and from there opening up the door for communication, and leave it at that.

It was also interesting how in a way as I was typing  – and this is rather unusual in me – I was kind of wanting to look away from the screen as I was typing lol, like looking towards the window as my fingers moved on across the keyboard (I can type without seeing the keyboard) so upon noticing these insta-moments of ‘wanting to look away’ I realized that it was me physically acting the remnants of this ‘admitting my silliness’ towards them and a bit of shame related to ‘what I’ve done’ towards these people and ‘owning’ my reaction through finally writing/touching base with them.

What was also important for me is to clear my starting point, meaning not contacting them out of guilt, out of ‘making up for’ the past or ‘redeeming’ myself with them – even though I apologized, it’s more a consideration of me towards them, but not out of guilt anymore –  it was more of a genuine decision to ‘open up’ to communicate, to be willing to follow through the communication and also making sure I hold no reactions, grudges, ideas, beliefs perceptions about ‘them’ or ‘the past’ or anything of that, but kind of create a ‘blank slate’ for them, anew, meeting them for the first time type of openness if you will.

I consider this is also part of the maturity to embrace our past, not judging it and being able to embrace what’s here in our current reality, no longer being limited by the past or holding relationships of ‘grudges’ and ‘sour times’ towards to others, but being self-forgiving towards it all.

You know how when we are kids – or sometimes not so ‘young’ but happens anyways – and we get flustered with each other for ‘silly reasons’ – hence the ‘reconciliation = recognizing the silliness in a situation’ – and how much we had to hold up this ‘tight face’ towards each other, yet how easy it was to also in a moment decide to ‘be friends again’ and be done with it at the same time, quite a more innocent approach for sure, which I can now integrate as the way to look at people: with innocence, anew, not ‘loading all my memories of the past’ next time I see them, but be ‘devoid’ of it all and work with what emerges in the moment.

To me there was a significant situation in my life where I was able to understand how ‘easy’ it was to get back to ‘being friends with’ someone even after years of not talking to each other. This happened with my cousin who later on became my best friend for quite a few years where we had a conflict, a ‘kids’ conflict’ – yes, literally fighting over a Barbie skirt or something like that or me being bothered by the roles she wanted to take on in ‘children’s play’ – and we got to a point of deciding not to talk to each other. I was like 5 and she was 6 and this lasted for some 5 years in fact. We would go to the same school every day, be taken to it in the same car and only speak the basics, but never hangout together. I still can’t believe how long it took us to get to ‘make peace’ with each other, which didn’t emerge from us, but through my aunt that decided to place us both in a situation of giving each other ‘the peace hand’ during a new year’s eve or Christmas after 5 years of not talking to each other, and from there on we were together for quite a few years in a very close manner.

I consider now how my ‘pre-teens’ and early teenage years would have been if I had not re-established my relationship with my cousin that way, and how I would have turned out if I had continued to live with a grudge and this ‘silly’ disconnection towards her for really ‘no reason’ at all other than each one of us having these ‘tough headed reasons’ of why we apparently disliked each other. Yet, when we finally made peace with each other, it was almost instantaneous that we could enjoy each other a lot along with the rest of our cousins. Though it seems I didn’t entirely learn from that situation at the time, because I did get to repeat same story in my life with a few people, some whom I see is also best to not contact for now because of yes, being in quite different ‘spots’ in our lives, though it’s also up to me to ensure that I am not holding any grudges or ‘hurt feelings’ towards them.

What I’ve been doing instead lately is to remember of all of these people that I’ve come to be in contact with and be friends with at some point in my life – no matter how long or short mostly from my teenage years on – and rather being grateful for them, for the times I got to spend with them, what I got to learn from them, how each one assisted me in their own ways to ‘open up’ to a world that would have been quite difficult for me to find and discover on my own. Therefore I’ve been also doing this ‘revisiting’ within myself towards these people in my life and changing my perspective towards them from only seeing ‘their defects, their problems, the justifications why I stopped being friends with or in a relationship with them’ to rather ‘keeping all the good’ that I did learn from them, that I got to enjoy from them and that I have in fact integrated as parts of myself and who I am without being consciously aware of it. Therefore turning my relationship towards them within myself from existing in a grudge to gratefulness, of learning from each and remembering in essence all the cool stuff that I did get to learn, live and express with and through my relationships with them.

This has assisted me in also stop seeing my past relationships as ‘a fuckup’ or only as a bundle of ‘problems’ or ‘conflicts’ and whatever else stands in a negative stance. This has only been possible to do as I also have been changing the way I see my life and how I see people, stopping focusing on all the flaws, the heavy judgments I used to constantly rehash about everything and everyone and instead decide to cherish the supportive stuff, that which I genuinely learned from and enjoyed in and from them.

Now this is also a way to turn nostalgia into something practical too, because I had tended to become very ‘nostalgic’ about my past that I either idealized within a ‘positive’ experience or the complete opposite. What I’ve done is to instead be more objective and going reviewing ‘each person’ that in a way has made an impact in my life and seeing the words they lived, the aspects I liked about them, what ‘attracted me to them’ and from there seeing how I can live these words within myself. This makes of this ‘remembering’ or ‘revisiting’ process something a lot more supportive than just rewinding memories and creating a yearning for the past or something like that, which is not ‘here’ not for them, not for me, not for anyone really.

So, this becomes a much more tangible thing to do in a way to also create a reconciliation with my past, with how I related to people back in the day and yes why not? seeing what can be re-established in relation to them currently – or also using imagination in a supportive manner to see ‘who would I be’ if I see them again, would I hide and pretend I don’t see them or would I gladly approach them to talk to them? The latter is what I decide to do, which is not something that comes ‘natural’ to me, because I’ve seen how when being caught up in the moment fear has emerged and I’ve done the ‘hiding and pretend you don’t see them’ before, but I decide to change this because hiding and pretending not to see means there are memories, things I am still reacting to, fearing or defining of myself in relation to them, and there’s no point in continuing that, because I have in essence nothing to ‘hold on to’ of my past any longer.

This is therefore merely the outflow and practical process of in fact ‘letting go’ of the past and what it means to practically not react to memories and people ‘of my past’ and instead learn to see them as: people! Yes, sure,  people I connected with in various levels before, but I can decide to no longer see them as ‘a memory’ but focus on who they are currently and take it from there, which is the same approach I definitely would like others to create towards me: to bury all hatchets and start anew, because hell, yes I’ve done this for myself within this process, giving myself that ‘blank slate’ and ‘starting over’ in so many aspects, so it’s about time to extend it to many other ways ‘outside’ of myself too.

Thanks for reading!

Check out these supportive audios to walk through similar points in your life

Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 1) – Demons in the Afterlife – …

Life Review – The Relationship between Fear, Guilt and Shame

How to Transcend Shame and Transform It to Integrity – Part 170

Guilt: Understanding Guilt – Atlanteans – Part 123

Shame, Shame, Shame – Quantum Systemization – Part 58

Redefining Integrity – Reptilians’ Support – Part 171

It’s too Late for Me – The Future of Consciousness – Part 78

Wall of Shame – Quantum Systemization – Part 69

 

 Rooting Back

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


581. Living Reconciliation

Or recognizing the silliness of our fortressed egos that create conflict toward each other and walking a process to create peace in it.

I was listening to the news this morning and heard the word ‘reconciliation’ where this is happening between some countries and what emerged within me was a form of ‘Duh! That’s what’s always been needed’ as if it was a very obvious and common sensical thing to do between countries only. So, right there I stopped myself on this ‘righteousness track’ of me being ‘the judge’ that calls out the process as a ‘duh! Taking too long, it was so obvious, why hadn’t it been done before’ as if I was in fact living the nature of reconciliation within me and towards those in my life, so I proceeded to look within me and  ask ‘Hmm wait a minute, am I existing in conflict with anyone right now or in the past that I could in fact create a ‘reconciliation’ with?’ and immediately the answer was yes, and the idea of a few people in my life came up. There’s been quite a few people that I simply cut ties with in the past in quite blunt and dare I say arrogant way where I didn’t even explain myself or give it ‘my time of day’ to actually consider ‘my reasons’ and question them, I simply walked away in a rather cold and ‘disheartening’ way to say the least.

So this is a simple example of taking a word in a moment, seeing how I related to it as if I was ‘already done with’ living the word reconciliation and kind of standing as the judge that points out ‘well duh that’s so obvious to do!’ but I had not in fact done this for myself yet in all cases and dimensions that are quite ‘here’ within me till this day.

Even more so, it’s not really about looking at reconciliation with people out there, how about first starting with living reconciliation within myself towards the patterns, ways, behaviors that I’ve gotten to be ‘secretly’ ashamed of within myself, such as for example the ways that I parted ways with people in my life before, or how I got into my high horse where I believed ‘I knew better’ and stopped such friendships from a starting point of arrogance… have I ‘made peace with’ or created a reconciliation with myself with that? Not entirely.

I have gotten to understand ‘who I was in my mind’ back then and how I was thinking and looking at things, that’s a point of understanding – but, making a full point of reconciliation it’s probably not there yet because as much as I can understand, I haven’t yet extended this explanation to others and the lingering question is: is it really relevant extend this reconciliation with others even after all of this time or is it something more to do for me? And the point is that I in fact know who I’d like to re-approach and in essence share these points and who I simply don’t see much of a point to do considering how we are on very ‘different points’ in our lives currently and for now it’s not relevant, though not saying ‘no’ to never consider it or do it, meaning I’m not in the same reluctance I was existing as some time ago towards specific people that had been in my life.

So, upon listening to the word ‘reconciliation’ lol, I started sounding it in the moment and saw the words ‘reckoning’, ‘recognizing’, ‘silly’ and it clicked! Reconciliation as the process of recognizing our reckoning, our judgments that upon seeing them it makes me realize the silliness in moments where things ‘blow up’ between two or more people, where conflict emerges because one or the other was too ‘caught up in the mind’ to talk through it, to understand better, to consider another, to understand the situation and then make an informed and stable decision of in fact deciding to part ways or ‘stop a relationship’ with someone or work things out.

This is in fact something that I haven’t lived in relation to certain people in the past and I can see that with the one person I’d like to actually live reconciliation I haven’t approached her yet because I was still existing in a reluctance to admit my own silliness, how I in fact allowed myself to get so absolutist in my experience back then that I justified the action of stopping that friendship and even saw it as some kind of ‘courageous move’ within me, which at the time sure, it was part of a how I was looking at my life and so people/everything in this world  – but looking back, I know things could have been different, even if it was in fact time for us to ‘part ways’ it could have done in a much more gentle, supportive and understanding way.

Here I look back to the point of reconciliation, where many times we want to hold ourselves ‘intact’ and ‘right’ in our assessment of things, but it takes actual humbleness to see where we became too egotistical, too righteous, too absolutist, too inflexible within ourselves not to see what we were in fact doing and acting out of certain beliefs, ideas or religion of self – and within doing so, being able to admit to oneself and see how we tend to blow things out of proportion when we are in our minds, where we want to ‘stand true’ to our egos and believe that ‘I am right, the other one is wrong and end of the story’ and how this solidifies the idea that we have of ourselves that at times takes a lot of chiseling to start ‘tearing apart’ because we become ‘rock hard’ in such definitions the longer we hold them as ‘true’ and ‘right’ and ‘honest’ over time.

First point is then to be willing to admit one’s mistakes, daring to questioning oneself is the key to start seeing ‘where’ and ‘how’ something that we are judging as ‘obvious’ towards the world out there hasn’t been lived in a very ‘obvious’ manner within self and within that, then moving to create and live the words that I now see I haven’t unconditionally lived within me.

Seeing the point further, it is not so much to live ‘reconciliation’ with another as a first step, as much as it is reconciliation ‘towards’ another within ourselves, in our minds, in our behavior, in how we decide to be towards them from now on.

The first point is to recognize this silliness,  this egotistical manners within ourselves, be able to self-forgive all of the ideas, beliefs, perceptions that we have or had about something/someone in order to create humbleness, to ‘de-armor’ ourselves, to chisel down the rock-hard ego, to step down from one’s high horse, to stop living in a haughty-position, to be willing to be vulnerable, to recognize one’s own thoughts, words, deeds as flawed or not the best ways in particular contexts where we know we created a consequence that till this day might remain as a ‘sour’ thought or memory in our heads.

Many times we also limit ourselves in establishing this reconciliation because we condition it to ‘the other person’ like ‘Ah, they are not interested in talking to me or ‘making amends’ with me anymore, so I rather not even try and just let it go’ and that’s another form of ego there as well. So, how I decide to do this is first recognize my own actions, my ‘silliness’ as the reasons I created back then to part ways, to ‘cut ties’ in quite a sudden and rather tyrannical manner to be honest. Self-forgive the guilt, the shame, the regret for doing this and then asses practically: do I want to establish a connection with this/that person or people or group that once part of my life again? And take it from there.

I’ve been ‘meaning to do this’ with a particular (ex)friend of mine and for some reason or another I had not actually done it…well this ‘reason or another’ is in fact me still existing in a judgment towards my decisions and actions ‘back then’ so, by recognizing it, self-forgiving it and instead live a decision of who I decide to be with this person from who I am currently and approach them ‘from here’ makes much more sense to me, rather than trying to approach them from ‘who I was back then’ which is not necessary either, nor is it necessary to feel ‘bad’ about it, that only creates guilt trips, all it takes is sharing what I’ve realized now and how I see the situation from my current stance and current ‘pair of eyes’ so to speak.

Living self-forgiveness means being in fact ‘in the moment’ and expressing anew, yes to a person ‘from our past’ but expressing in fact as this process of self-reconciliation that I’m doing in relation to that friendship. And! at the same time being unconditional when approaching the other person, having no expectations or fears of the outcome – well if any fears emerge, they too can be written out and self-forgiven! What’s the worst that can happen? What do I fear losing? Etc. type of questions. It is a self-decision to do so, without expecting things to ‘be the same as before’ or ‘be friends again’ or ‘fearing being rejected’ or whatever else, but instead doing it for oneself, as a decision, as an expression in the moment – no strings attached.

So, I’ll share back how this works out, but I definitely wanted to share this point about ‘recognizing the silliness’ because it is truly silly what we become in our minds as these fortressed egos that nothing can ‘tear down’ that solidify with time if we continue justifying ‘why we did it’ and not question it at all.

Recognition starts with making a couple of questions to oneself and being willing to admit one’s part in it all, being willing to admit one’s ego in it all, one’s silliness when being taken over by some personality that was not in fact who we really know we can be in relation to others – the shame or regret that comes with it is a key to then take the next step to truly create a reconciliation within oneself and so in who we decide to be from here on towards others, regardless of how others take it/perceive it or act on it. It’s always about self and who self is in relation to oneself and so in relation to others.

And that’s how whatever we see in the world ‘out there’ as ‘things to do to create world peace’ can start being lived first and foremost in our day to day living, in our relationship towards others, even if people are dead/gone and can no longer be ‘relived’ as relationships, we can in fact correct those relationships within ourselves, through understanding who we were at the time, recognizing our ego at the time, what patterns were being lived in it and seeing what we can change in our memory towards them and why not, considering to now live such corrections and new ways of living towards others with whoever is now in our lives and in relationships to come. That’s what’s great about this process, there’s a timelessness to it because it’s not about ‘making peace’ with others, but it’s about making peace and solving things first and foremost within ourselves and so towards ‘the world’ as a result.

Thanks for reading

Check out these supportive audios at Eqafe.com without which I would not be able to draw these conclusions and live this self-support

 

 

 Reconciliation

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


565. Comfort in Expression

Or looking back at my expression towards others before and where I’m at currently with it thanks to the Desteni Process 

One of the benefits of walking this process is the ability to realize to what extent our relationship to something or someone ‘outside of ourselves’ is entirely dependent on the kind of ‘self-work’ that one has walked. For example upon meeting new people or getting to be in contact with someone I met quite a few years ago for the first time, I saw how comfortable I was in the whole situation and I looked at the point of taking this ‘comfort’ for granted or in a way kind of ‘forgetting about the process’ that I’ve walked to get to this point of what I can define as ‘relatability’ towards other people, whereas before I definitely was the kind of person that would first analyze all the knots and bolts of the person and carefully assess ‘who I should be’ in relation to them and start molding or acting (manipulating myself) accordingly, usually in an attempt to be liked, accepted by them or sometimes to actually ‘shut down’ all forms of possible interaction, which I definitely had done in the past towards certain people as well in my ‘pickiness’ towards others.

I looked at how through understanding and walking the process of self-acceptance, self-expression, taking judgments back to myself and learning to consider others I’ve been able to be quite comfortable in what I deem would have otherwise been a somewhat ‘uncomfortable’ situation in the past, as in being too ‘unpredictable’ to the point where I have no ‘control’ over it and therefore being caught up in a series of fears and ‘what ifs.’ And that’s how I realized that this is not the case ‘this time around’ in my life and I even check myself to see if I am suppressing something or if I am kind of putting up a front or something but nope, there’s no ‘noise’ within me as I would call it, which I would have definitely experienced many times before when interacting with people in a close manner.

That’s how I got to see that through me having been working – and still continue to do so – with my judgments, ideas, beliefs, personalities, characters, suppressions, expressions and essentially ‘everything’ that I had lived as ‘me’ in the past and working on redefining and living the version of myself that I want to be, I’ve been able to definitely change the way that I relate to others and that it definitely stands as the person that in a way I always wanted to be, but I had ‘clogged’ that with a lot of patterns, fears, limitations before, which are all the points that I’ve been walking through these nine years of walking the Desteni Process.

I have simplified and made things like new relationships so much easier in my life, because there are no fears in the background or ‘noise’ related to judgments and even if they appear, I write them out, see them for what they are, establish who I decide to be instead of ‘judgments’ and live the expression, test it out and then see, ah it works! And keep walking to rather focus on living that which is here, it’s me expressing, comfortable, embracing yet continuing to observe myself in relation to other people and being aware of which other points I can look at, change, open up and also communicate to cross-reference my own experience.

I know this might sound a bit abstract for some, but it all has to do with the continued application of the Desteni tools of writing, developing self-honesty, giving myself the gift of self-forgiveness and the actual ‘second chance’ to live life in a different manner through establishing living words.  I’ve been able to see how cool and beneficial it’s been to be working on all the ‘nitty-gritty’ details of myself in order to pave the way for points of self-creation that I can face and work on now with relative ease.

I don’t want to make it all sound ‘too simple’ because what I am currently living and sharing is more like the result of several years of self-dedicated personal investigation, exploration, trial and error situations that I’ve actually learned a lot from and that I am very grateful for, because otherwise I would not be where I am ‘at’ right now.

In any case I share this as well for anyone that may experience walking this process as something that seems to have ‘no end’ or where one cannot get to ‘taste the fruits of the labor’ just yet, and I can say that yes it takes time, it’s not easy at first, it’s very challenging at times in terms of fears, emotions and the rest of ‘growing pains’ that come with it. But one thing is certain: one does get to see the results and reap what one has sown. This is nothing else but action and reactions, cause and consequence, input and output mechanics of this process which is also why I want to share how all the dedication, the consistency, the perseverance, the discipline and self-work that one inputs on oneself is a substantiation process that one may not immediately see in terms of ‘big changes’ right away; as with everything, it is a process and it takes time to even have a point of reference to ‘look back’ and see how one has in fact changed here and there.

I’m quite satisfied with myself at the moment in relation to that ability to be comfortable, stable, embracing regardless of ‘others’ or ‘the contexts’ and at the same time continuing to expand upon meeting new people or establishing new relationships, whereas I can see how ‘tortuous’ that was for me in the past. All I can say is that this comfort, ease and enjoyment is the way I’d definitely would like every person to be able to experience life and themselves as, because it’s so much simpler and even enjoyable. Though, of course, we cannot ‘jump right into the self-perfected version’, it’s all a process and that’s got a great reason for it as well: to understand and so take responsibility on how we created our limitations, our fears, our ‘flaws’ and the rest of obstacles for our self-expression in order to get to see and practice living in a different way, creating different habits and patterns instead the ones that we had been deterred by before.

I am also aware that I would not be the kind of person that would say ‘I’m quite satisfied with myself’ before, because of considering that it sounds a bit too self-glorifying, but I’ve also learned to appreciate and recognize myself, my own process walked here and being ok with sharing more of the practical results than only the problems, which I sure will continue to share as they emerge in my life experience. But for now this is a self-appreciation note and an encouragement for anyone that might be reading this and might be caught up in a very emotional or turbulent time in their lives where it all seems like having ‘no way out’ or being about to ‘give up’ on yourselves. Hold on, there is a way through, keep at it, be consistent, don’t allow your fears to deter you, push through it and you will eventually see the benefits of developing that self-will to keep walking this process and continuing expanding and developing self-honesty. As it has been said many times, it isn’t easy, nice, fun, pretty or beautiful at first, but what emerges from that ‘gruesome’ process is definitely worth-living completely.

What comes next though is expanding my ability to continue sharing more of this process and assisting every other person I can to get to realize this for themselves as well, so if you’re interested, check out the Desteni Process, it’s the best life investment you can ever give to yourself.

Thanks for reading.  

 

Relatability

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


550. From Expectations to Self-Grounding

 

Throughout this process I’ve learned how creating expectations can be a secure trip to get disappointed most of the times, considering how in our minds we tend to ‘elevate’ ourselves in creating these ideals as in ‘perfect or idyllic situations’ about an event or situation that could open up or happen in one’s reality.

 

What I’ve seen is how we are the only ones that set this trap of expectations to ourselves wherein we accumulate a lot of thoughts, emotions, feelings which are all energy-based building up an experience one can define as an expectation, where one goes into imagining, thinking, considering future potentials and scenarios of how awesome – or how terrible – something can turn out to be and in doing so, one entirely misses out on the physical reality here, where in reality we cannot at all be certain of anything that one is going into a ‘high’ or ‘low’ about in relation to something happening in the future.

 

I call this a ‘high’ because in my case when it comes to planning the potentials of doing something that I’ve been expecting for a long time can turn into a very exhilarating experience and yes, just as the word sounds ‘exhilarating’ it’s accelerating my pulse and I dive into this ‘rush’ upon considering finally having something happen in my life that I’ve been expecting for some 10 years and that is, yes, seeing one of my favorite bands in a concert.

 

Now, I could have also minimized this experience and say ‘bah, it’s just a concert, it’s nothing, it’s just something that will pass and that’s it’ – but in this opening to be more self-aware at a physical level, I did notice how upon been more actively engaged in the process of making such potential a reality, I’ve been building up all kinds of future potentials and play outs of the whole situation, or how ‘good it will be to finally see them live’ and I’ll explain what is behind this all.

 

The reason why I have seen myself go out of my ‘cool-calm and collected self’ about this is because this is one of those ‘dreams’ or ‘desires’ that I created over ten years ago where while listening to their music, every single time I participated in the hope, the dream, the expectation that ‘someday they could come to play here so that I could enjoy that in a live version’ and even making statements – at the time – of ‘I’ll be able to die once that I see this band live’ which are often said in a light manner by many music-fans including myself.

 

Another layer of this is that it became part of my personality, it became the ‘elusive’ type of situation that at some level became ‘something to look forward to’ in the future, and that I have experienced before in relation to other bands as well, which for context, has a lot to do with the intricate self-definition and experience-relationship I created towards music since I was a little girl, specifically at the age of 7 when my ‘particular tastes’ started developing – greatly based on the access to MTV at the time – which I know many if not most people can relate to while growing up in my generation.

 

So, this particular band is very much linked to my self-definition and due to how it may seem somewhat underrated or not well known, the expectations of them coming to play to my country were almost null throughout all of these years where I would regularly send emails to their managers to get a gig in Mexico City… and it’s only as of late that something seems to be finally coagulating in that regard and I did notice yesterday how I had built up quite a load of excitement as expectations about it, which was in fact the discharge of all those times throughout these over 10 years of having thought of ‘them coming to play a live show’ and how I would experience this excitement, expectation, yearning and hope ultimately, which are experiences that are of energy, and no matter how one can perceive them as ‘natural’ and ‘nice fluffy experiences’ they are not, I don’t particularly like this ‘rush’ that I’ve created towards the expectation of this happening and how unsettling it is at a physical body level.

 

Now, of course it is not about ‘them’ or ‘the music’ but entirely about myself and how I have created the layers of expectation over time, the years that I’ve spent desiring for this to finally happen and even creating these ‘statements’ in a semi-joking manner to say ‘I will be able to die peacefully after I see x band play live’ for example… and I forgive myself for having ever said that because of course it would be quite silly to kind of say I’m ready to die just because of seeing a live act, but we don’t fully realize what we are implying with that kind of desires, future projections and conditions we create upon ourselves with and through our words and intentions, which ultimately are things for us to reflect to what extent one can be ‘gone’ in one’s head being in a high experience about such kind of event happening and disregarding the reality that is here, where I cannot really ascertain anything on them coming, I cannot really ‘win or lose’ something with it other than having the opportunity to see them live and that’s it –

 

I’ve been able to be cool, calm and collected with other bands throughout the years, but due to the exacerbated expectation I placed over time to this one band in particular, I can now experience the physical toll of some hours spent in an active engagement into these potentials and ways in which I could contribute to make it happen.

 

On one side, sure it’s cool if it can happen and it’s not like I now have to go to the opposite side of the polarity to wish it doesn’t happen or not go at all – it’s about changing my relationship and starting point towards this possible event that I could assist to, and ultimately be able to ground it back to self: not making of this event something ‘more’ than me or something that I have charged a lot of expectation upon, but seeing it for what it is: a different activity on my day to day like going to watch/listen to some live music which is something that lasts a couple of hours and that’s it.

 

I’ve also seen throughout my life how whatever I place this accumulated expectation on, especially when building it up with all the apparent ‘nice’ and ‘exciting’ possibilities, what ends up happening is that one doesn’t get to experience that at all – therefore a ‘low’ comes as a result – or even if one does get to be excited and exhilarated throughout the concert, then next day becomes ‘shitty’ because there’s no longer that something that one is looking forward to.

 

This all has to do with conditioning our lives to the experience of an energy within us as a point of stimulation, to make ourselves dependent to ‘get to a particular day’ in the year in order to get to experience that which we have been ‘waiting for’ throughout a long period of time and it’s just like this build up that explodes and one goes into a ‘down’ or ‘depression’ or ‘lack of energy’ afterwards, because all of that build up is no longer sustained through our idea of having something happen in our reality anymore once that it is ‘fulfilled.’

 

That’s also what becomes a periodical thing to ‘look forward to’ and  ‘live our lives for’, and I’ve seen this a lot in the community of people that look forward to concerts as well where LIFE seems to ‘lose its meaning’ after having this major-event happening and unless there is a new band coming or something else to look forward to, everything loses ‘its meaning’ and ‘there’s no sense to live’ which sounds quite shocking really when I place it here in words to see, and having been myself one of those people that would declare such statements at times in the past, I can see how much I was – and have been – making myself subject to these buildups and releases that I end up creating in my body only to keep myself subject to these highs and lows that get the physical into an actual overdrive and strain, because all of these seemingly ‘exciting’ experiences are actually eating up my physical body.

 

It’s also interesting where some people have identified this adrenaline, this expectation, and exhilaration as ‘being alive’ or being completely human and so making it all a ‘natural’ experience, but it is so that only through the awareness of who we are in our minds and the relationship of energy to our physical body that I’ve learned with and through the Desteni material over the past nine years, I’ve come to see and realize that the – excuse the word but – fucked up body state that one gets into after having these ‘major events’ take place in our lives, leaves us ‘high and dry’ literally, which is why we then look for our next fix –  lol sounds like ‘netflix’ isn’t it? – where yes one wants to ‘binge on’ something and once that one ‘craving’ is satisfied, we look at which other band is coming next, or what other fix can we expect out there to arrive to our lives soon.

 

And this is not living, this is not being directive, this is certainly not the kind of experience I want to recreate within myself, my body because I don’t like being unsettled and having these unnerving experiences that I’ve seen come up more since I got to be more involved in this possibility and for a moment believing that ‘being excited is cool’ because it is not, my body certainly is the proof that it is not and it is quite an unsettling experience that I am quite aware was being detonated as I started participating in this potential moment/event/situation where I could ‘finally’ satisfy this desire that I’ve kept ‘alive’ within me for so many years.

 

A part of me wants to say ‘this is silly, what’s the point of sharing this, it’s a silly infatuation, there’s no point, it’s irrelevant’ but I know it is relevant for myself and I’m sharing it because this is supportive for me to actually write out this thing that I’ve held mostly in my mind for so many years – and ultimately it can be supportive for others to translate this similar process of creating expectations towards anything in one’s life.

 

It can be an expectation of vacation/holiday time, which makes you ‘hate’ your job and then simply think you can discharge and let go of the hatred once you are on vacation – meaning keeping yourself in the ultimate polarity of the highs and the lows in energy, which is the whole point to become aware of and stop participating in – or the expectation of one day ‘meeting the man/woman of your dreams’ as the ‘perfect relationship’ and go to bed every night getting excited about it and drive your day to day to wake up just looking forward to that, or getting the job deal that you have been dreaming for your entire life, or getting to travel to your dreamed place, being able to buy something, getting to have or own something that you’ve been desiring for a long time in any form or way – that stuff keeps one locked in this adrenaline, exhilaration, this unnerving experience which is actually not at all cool for the physical body and it’s actually quite draining in nature, considering how we’re now aware of how the mind feeds off from the physical body to exist.

 

I’ve been definitely seeing the effects of yesterday’s (last Thursday) ‘peak’ as well today (Friday) wherein I’ve experienced this tiredness which is definitely unusual to me, which at the same time is a very clear reference of how I have been ‘draining’ myself through these expectations and ideals I’ve been entertaining in my mind for some 24 hours now in a more active sense, but in total, who knows how much time I’ve spent entertaining these future play outs and potentials….years on.

 

So, what can I do in my case to stop causing the strain in my physical body? I can stop participating in the imaginations and potential play outs or even planning about something that I am not even certain will take place – therefore rather realizing that if it happens or doesn’t happen, it’s not all in my hands and even if it was, should not define me in who I am in every moment of breath. That means, I have to stop seeing this potential as this ‘marvelous and greatest thing that could happen to me’, because it’s not really, it’s only music, it’s only a live presentation, I’ve seen how I am actually more ‘excited’ beforehand than when it actually is happening where I then see how I kept myself in this ‘high’ beforehand that is almost gone by the time it gets to actually happen and it’s just like craving something and getting it, then forgetting about it type of relationship, which speaks quite a bit about the nature of ourselves as our mind, where we create these highs and lows in our experience and miss out on the actual substance of what one is interacting with and speaking of in reality.

 

I have to forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to apply this specialness to seeing this particular band live which I can see right now, my eyes just want to shut down and go to sleep because of how I have been on ‘overdrive’ about this and body is taking a toll, which is not cool at all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated in the expectation many times before towards seeing a particular band live wherein I start defining myself in relation to expecting the day where I get to have that experience, defining my reason to wake up as in ‘being one day closer to this event happening’ and ultimately end up creating the ‘climatic’ energetic experience on that day while at the same time securing the eventual ‘crash’ the next day after it actually happens and coming back to reality, which then would become quite a challenge as well because there is no more constant stimulation to ‘keep going’ on a daily basis, unless I would encounter a new ‘something’ to look forward to and put myself back on track on the energetic-bandwagon of ‘looking forward to’ something.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘looking forward’ to have something happen in my life that I’ve charged and built up with a substantial amount of expectations upon, as something I’ve been wishing for over a decade now, wherein I am justifying that ‘I have the right to be excited and ‘on a high’ about it’ when in fact, I am aware that this is only me as the mind and the ‘me’ that existed over ten years ago speaking, wherein I’ve also continued feeding this desire, instead of simply focusing on my day to day as usual and when and if the time and opportunity comes to assist to such concert, be able to enjoy it in the moment, not before or after but while it is taking place in reality.

 

Here then I can change my relationship to ‘looking forward to it’ into a ‘looking at it’ in the moment, when it’s happening and as it takes place, where even the possibility of it taking place or not doesn’t define me or where I do not become subject to a ‘high’ or a ‘low’ experience in relation to it.

 

 

An update on this point today Sunday on my side, after having been to a failed concert situation, this blog written prior to leaving to this ‘failed concert’ situation was quite supportive to be grounded and not create a low or a high about going to the concert and seeing it not taking place at all, which is a completely unusual situation to me but, I did notice that after having written out this whole blog, I became quite settled about the expectations towards concerts and I’ve been also more grounded about the potential outflows where I simply cannot be certain or ‘take for granted’ something, or even create a potential idea of ‘how it will go’ based on ideas, perceptions, future projections in my mind, but instead stick to reality on a moment by moment basis.

 

So, once again self-writing became a pillar of support for myself throughout the day yesterday and here I share the whole story in my vlog for further context: Adapting to Unfortunate Events – Decade With Desteni which in this case is related to this concert situation, but can be about virtually anything related to building up a positive or negative experience as an expectation of something happening and then having the opposite happen and how to ‘deal’ with those experiences, as well as this is part of what I walk through a threshold of seeing all of this too ‘irrelevant’ to share but, I saw how much of a hold this whole point had on me before writing it out, so here it is, sharing self-support.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

To understand more about the relationship of the energy in our physical body, check out the series: Quantum Mind Self Awareness at Eqafe.com

 

 Unnverving

 

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


533. Living Passion in Purpose

Next word to explore and see who I am in relation to currently is passion and this word ever since I watched Gian’s video on it, it stuck with me in the sense of what I can consider a livable definition of passion in fact, and I share his vlog here for reference: Passion, You are Your Passion to Change – Desteni Process Support Vlog.

Here it’s my turn to investigate it in relation to living it and making it my expression in who I am in whatever I do, and the first point to investigate is how I have separated myself from this word and making it some kind of ‘superior’ experience – yes, a noticeable energetic experience – that I have in turn given value to, but it doesn’t mean that it is a person living the word passion as self-expression. What does that mean?

Here then it’s about seeing how I’ve been making an experience ‘more’ than who I am and that’s the point to clarify here because it’s not really about having an energetic experience itself as ‘passion’ but redefining it into a word that I express and live in who I am and consequently within whatever I do.

What I may see in some people as passion is more like a driving force of their own purpose or point of motivation that becomes an expression of who they are no matter what they are doing or with whom – now, this is more me placing it into words because I can only observe things based on who I am in relation to it as well, which means that, lol I am already ‘it’ at some level.

This also means that I can get to recognize how I have been living passion to a certain extent within myself and in my life, maybe not in a very consistent manner throughout these years, but I definitely know that when I decide to stand as it and live it, I can become that force of life within myself, a motivation that goes beyond a personal interest, but simply as an outflow or expression or what I’ve defined as a point of passion in my life which is life itself, this process as the ability to be ‘reborn’ into our personal lives and tap into a potential that had been covered up with many layers – in my case – of self-depreciation, lack of self-acceptance and self-recognition, which is why in the first place I have been entertaining such ‘attraction’ idea towards other people, because in a way I didn’t first look within myself to see where and how I am already living such word  – instead of reacting in a subtle manner to another’s expression which may – or may not – be more ‘energy’-related and then making that as something I desire to become within myself, which would be missing out the entire point.

I see that passion is the result of standing within oneself in a consistent manner, it’s like a ‘flame’ that we turn on and keep burning within ourselves in relation to what we decide to stand up for. It expressed physically as a form of intensity in my expression, an enjoyment, a fulfillment within myself as I see myself standing as my potential – or when being in a self-creation process, there’s that ‘driving force’ within me that is not based on getting to ‘the top of the hill’ so to speak, but more so in relation to getting to know who I can really be if I direct myself in every moment of my life to do what I’ve decided to do, to manifest and create the life that I want to create for myself and so for others, as life.

My passion is directly connected to this process of assisting myself and so many others in birthing ourselves as life, of getting to understand ourselves and from doing so, learn to live in ways that better ourselves, our relationships and so the world that we create. That’s been my driving force that I’ve been expressing in several ways, but the most common ones are through direct communication on this process, on the importance of it, the benefits of it and the responsibility we all have to it at the same time, which is about understanding self-creation and self-empowerment in consideration of what’s best for all, our true potential that is always here, waiting for each one of us to light it up and live it in our lives.

From this realization, I take some of Gian’s words to explain how it is in this decision to be an example or stand as an example, integrating these principles of self-honesty, self-creation, self-responsibility, self-trust, self-respect as a result of all of this walk that we then become that passion as ourselves and can ‘pass it on’ to others through one’s living example, which I consider is a meaningful, respectful, dignifying process to do in one’s life and even a privilege as well which entails self-responsibility too in not only ‘getting’ the benefits, but learning to give ourselves back to others that also want to learn to assist themselves to live to their utmost potential.

And this passion as I am living it, is already coming from some years of experience; now is the time where I have to recognize the authority I have onto my own words based on my own experience, my own application, my own dedication, focus and attention to doing this every day of my life for years. And now I am now finding it fascinating that I could be ‘falling for’ an experience of ‘longing’ some kind of perceived ‘passionate expression’ in another that might be appealing to certain personalities or memories within me – but that’s of consciousness.

Who I am and what I live and specifically in the context of what motivates me I can see is nothing else but life for life as life, period. And that to me is quite a ‘pure’ form of passion that may sound abstract for some, but can be read in all of the words and all of the principles I’ve set myself to live within my life over these years as a self-commitment.

I’ve noticed then within this apparent experience of ‘attraction’ toward others that I essentially have to remind myself to first of all look back within me in how I am already living that something that I am kind of ‘being attracted to’ and if so, then I have to debunk the bubble of experience that I am creating in relation to another’s expression and simply let it go for what it is= a feeling reaction. If not, then there’s a word I can work on creating, living and expanding myself on within my own context and reality.

Sometimes I tend to underestimate myself and it is only through writing that I can debunk my own ‘admirations’ and rather look straight and clearly towards myself to realize ‘hey, I’m actually already doing that’ or ‘I have to align this point more in certain contexts in my life’ or sometimes simply learning to embrace another’s expression as it is, instead of reacting in the mind in a sense of ‘desire’ or ‘want’ to ‘own’ it through a ‘relationship’ which is how we tend to operate in our minds, always wanting to be like vampires that can suck the life out of others and ‘own it ourselves’ lol, instead of realizing ‘hey I actually have that life as well, let me work on myself and build my own potential.’

Here thus I take the space to rather see in relation to what do I want to express that passion as myself, besides for example these writings which is where I see it usually is expressed as this force of the words that is aiming at sharing myself and possibly ringing someone’s eyes and ears, it’s a usual intent within me within writing, like ‘passing the flame’ as Gian once explained as well, from personal living example.

And I consider that passion is a word that I tend to forget to live whenever going into any minor ‘low’ within me, upon any subtle judgment, or experience of ‘being hard of myself’ for something, when overthinking in the process of doing something, I essentially have to remind myself living passion, remembering who I really am essentially, not allowing anything less than what I’ve proven to myself I can be and so be my own point of ignition, where I don’t require watching another’s expression to feel like wanting to express myself as that, but I can simply make a decision to express it in the moment, especially in contexts where I am allowing myself to be affected by others to a certain extent.

Those are moments where I can investigate why did I allow myself to go into a ‘low’ upon discussing or meeting that person? What’s behind it? and go back to my self-investigation board to establish self-clarity and then see how I can remain standing within myself as that consistent force regardless of who I am with or what I am being shared about – which is not a point of remaining positive or thinking positive, but rather a decision to stick to the common sensical me, sticking to my potential and so expressing it in who I am in those moments, extending that realization of being able to ‘walk through’ points even if they might seem too much at times.

This way I can embody this statement as: ‘this low is not who we really are, nor this depression or self-devaluing experience, we can be better than that’ and so step back into the passion that I’ve lived and that I yet have to develop and expand in various moments in my day to day, starting with seeing and recognizing myself as my own source of it – not anything or anyone outside of me as an idea, perception or mind-relationship, but rather doing it as self, as a part of the whole

If we all do this, one by one, we will truly get to live and interact with self-fulfilled and passionate individuals that can in turn keep sharing the ways in which we can all stand up and tap into our potential, and share the exact ways to do it, which is precisely what this process at Desteni is for: learning how to empower ourselves, how to get to live within our utmost potential, how to establish our principles and how to – most importantly – live them in a practical way in our day to day.

That’s what I decide to do and live – and in turn, get to appreciate other beings that can be equally passionate, without interfering with it in desiring or wanting that, because I can remind myself I am already living that, I embrace another’s expression and be grateful for who they are, and that’s part of the ‘shared passion’ for each other as living beings I’d say – no fuzzy attraction experiences any longer.

Thanks for reading.   

 

 

    

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


529. Changing Human Relationships Starts With Ourselves

 

“When pondering the meaning of right human relations it is also helpful to conceive of the principle of sharing as a great social physician or planetary psychotherapist, one that has the power to heal in almost every possible way—by feeding the hungry and curing the diseased, mending broken families and restoring mental health, rebuilding communities and nurturing individuals to regain their confidence and creativity, and so on without end. So if you want to heal yourself as an individual or as a group, advocate for the principle of sharing to be implemented into world affairs and serve humanity by heralding Article 25 with every ounce of energy you have, thus decentralising yourself from the disease called separation and playing your part in establishing a new earth based on right human relations. –Mesbahi, Mohammed (2016). Heralding Article 25: a people’s strategy for world transformation. See more at: http://www.sharing.org/information-centre/reports/heralding-article-25-peoples-strategy-world-transformation#part v

Recently I got this book as a gift from Sonja Scherndl who was very kind in considering I would find a lot of common ground with the author’s proposal and our perspective as Equal Life Foundation and after completing it, I realized it is so that it’s the first book that I can most relate to from recent articles or books I’ve read on the topic about world economics based on the principle of sharing and satisfying what we define as Fundamental Human Rights which are in fact the basic needs that have to be covered for every human being as part of dignifying each other’s livelihood, giving to others what we’d like to be assured to receive and so create a genuine upgrade of our humanity.

I found the voice of the writer something I can relate to at times almost word by word in many aspects, specifically on topics I’ve written over the years on the subject of Human Rights and our proposals as the Equal Money System and Living Income Guaranteed; as well through my personal investigation and application of the principles of Oneness and Equality as Life, which is what the author also addresses as being part of considering ourselves as a One Humanity as well.

I was also glad to see the reference to ourselves as human beings being the origin and source of the problem – not the system, not the ‘isms’ like capitalism and the rest of it – but instead the kind of relationships that we’ve built with one another which in turn, have created the nature of the markets, the economic systems and the nature of the dog-eat-dog current form of capitalism, which is in fact a reflection of ourselves: who we are within creating the without.

Something that I’ve discovered for myself and have shared in previous blogs is that the economic problem is not really a structural problem or a matter of fixing a faulty system ‘out there’ only – it’s in fact the clear reflection of the very separation – also mentioned as such in the book – that we’ve created from one to another, and the general disregard of our equality with every other living part that is coexisting in this world, which means we are not only ‘interconnected’ but are in fact one and the same, which the author brings through with an awareness of this same source we all come from. Therefore we have to also consider and look at all the reasons why we have justified, excused and reasoned all the abuse that we’ve imposed onto each other to create inequality, poverty, consumerism, miseducation, in order to understand the source of the problem as ourselves. Meaning we have to also look at how we have all been co-creators of the problem and how this is all coming from the current nature of ourselves as humans in our thought, word and deed.

Now, interestingly enough as much as I find the reading of the book an essential walk through many of the topics that would be eye opening for people that are starting to investigate alternative solutions for world-problems, I also find the one solution proposed by the author as something that could be redefined or taken one step further close to home.

Mesbahi speaks of every human being understanding the importance of the principle of sharing the world’s resources as an expression of common sense and as a primary source for peace, for eradicating poverty, of getting out of competitive and selfish motives and in turn get to heal ourselves from how we’ve essentially conditioned each other to a survival-mode that has affected the totality of our expression and so of our human relationships. The solution proposed is to create worldwide manifestations demanding to governments to fulfill the Article 25 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, which interestingly enough also Sonja and Anja Askeland – who I have had the opportunity to interview before – wrote and published about today a linkage of it to the Universal Basic Income, which I’m very glad to read about and the article is here: Article 25 and a Universal Basic Income: the perfect match

However here I also propose something else beyond only the consideration of staging mass protests demanding these fundamental living rights.

I’ve concluded from my personal research that we require to also learn to live the principles of Oneness and Equality as Life at a very practical and realistic level in our day to day living, starting within ourselves in our own minds and in the way that we live and interact with everyone and everything around us. Because sharing is an expression, an outflow of a deeper realization and understanding which Mesbahi outlines in the book and he expresses that it is not his position to exactly say ‘how’ to create this change at an individual level in this book, which I found interestingly enough is precisely what we are focusing on directly not only as proponents of world-system solutions, but as individuals that have also committed to propose ways, tools of self-support that we are applying in order to embody these principles through practice, walking a personal process of genuinely living the principles that we also see in common sense would be best for everyone to embrace in their own hearts and minds.

What I discovered throughout my active participation and engagement throughout various proposals essentially exemplifying this principle of sharing, of making of money a rights-giver rather than a source of discord and inequality, of providing support to everyone starting with the most forgotten ones – is that the biggest resistance came not from defining all of it as impossible or utopic – but rather from people that literally would express their refusal to give to another what has been given to all of us unconditionally by the Earth. The reasons, excuses and justifications I’ve read throughout these past 9 years of actively having engaged in discussions with various people upon presenting these ideas various methods around the web were that “it won’t ever happen because there’s always going to be inequality, there’s always going to be someone making more, we cannot really ‘just share’ and there’s always going to be someone stepping forth into greed, cannot dream of equality because it doesn’t exist” and the list of excuses goes on.

That’s where I realized that along with the various movements which are very much getting into a peak currently in relation to Universal Basic Income, Share The World’s Resources – whose founder is Mesbahi – and many other independent organizations whose principles are similar, we also need to emphasize the importance of this role of Education that is also framed as an essential process of human change in our world by him:

“Thus if there appears to be an irreconcilable conflict between opposing political ideologies, the lasting solution lies not in the victory of one ‘ism’ over another, but must be found in what can unite us all through a universal acceptance of our shared humanity—which ultimately requires a new education into the true nature of the inner Self.

There is nothing sentimental or naïve about these suggestions as such an attitude to human relationships has the potential to transform society once a bulk of the population is educated to think and become aware of themselves in a more spiritual, heart-engaged and inclusive way. “

– See more at: http://www.sharing.org/information-centre/reports/heralding-article-25-peoples-strategy-world-transformation#part v

 

I certainly agree that we need to re-educate ourselves, to learn how to live and embody these principles not only of sharing, but also of considering at all times what is best for all, of developing and inculcating within ourselves an integrity, self-respect, self-honesty, self-responsibility and a consideration towards all other beings as oneself. This is by far the hardest process that I see we are already engaging in within this world, because we have allowed ourselves to be hardwired with all the opposites to all these words that I just mentioned and that could in turn create the world we all would like to live in: a world of sharing, of prosperity through cooperation, of expressing ourselves to our utmost potential, of assisting each other, of actual prosperity and expression. However, as I mentioned above, by far the biggest resistance and the biggest obstacle to do this resides in our very own minds, our very own current human nature, which is the one point that we have to find ways to open up the majority of people’s eyes to understand this, the majority that are still very much secluded in a ‘my space’ world, where only me-myself-and-my-interests exist.

What I’ve been dedicating myself for the past 9 years is precisely deprogramming all of these ingrained aspects that led me to become a person that might have cared about the world and wanted to change the world, but wasn’t willing to look back at myself to see where and how I had to take responsibility for my very own thoughts, habits and ways of living that were in fact not representing the ideals that I wanted to create out there in the world. I’ve learned that if we really want to change the nature of the world system, we have to at the same time work within ourselves to fix and create what we’d like to see out there, we have to start with ourselves, with our immediate relationships, with the choices we make on a daily basis.

Here, what I would add as an extra chapter to this educational book is adding the necessity of embodying these principles of sharing, of regarding each other as equals, of working with our own patterns of selfishness, greed, irresponsibility, competition, hatred and lack of consideration for others as a primary point of self-accountability in this process of transforming the way that we share this world and so share the world’s resources, of which from my perspective sharing resources would be a natural outflow to do if we first work to integrate the common sensical principle in each one of our minds, which surely can be done through reading this book and the many other proposals with similar views, while also verifying how it works in your own life and community.

I see it as a within and without process where we cannot wait for an education system to upgrade itself and start teaching these principles – we have to start being them, applying them, being the trail blazers that in turn as parents can raise children that are already living in family and community environments where the principle of sharing is ‘the way to live’ and do not know of ‘the ways of the old world’ who can in fact become the future of the world. This is particularly something I’ve been witnessing – from afar – with people in our community who are having children that are also now learning the new ways of a real human-kindness, the kind of people that we need to create a future that is embodying the principles of oneness and equality as life, of self-responsibility, of sharing, of being stable and common sensical human beings, of considering other beings as themselves, of being that One Humanity and so living the principles of sharing as the only way to live with one another as equals.

Therefore, I agree that the more we speak of solutions proposed along the lines of sharing in equality, the more we can start opening up possibilities that may not have existed before at the eyes of a majority – while at the same time also considering that the door towards a systemic change can also start from developing a personal awareness of who we are and what our role individually is in the context of life on Earth. This means, starting from a process of self-awareness to investigate and learn to see what we’ve become in our minds, in our lives, in our being and so walking a process to align our thoughts, our perspectives, our stance as human beings toward the principle of oneness and equality as life, of sharing in equality, of regarding others as ourselves, of self-responsibility, self-honesty, self-awareness so that with both changes taken in our hands within and without, the actual process of world change manifests not only as a ‘changed system,’ but also as a result of deciding to stand up within ourselves to do what’s best for all –  and align to the way of life as it is and shall be, which I agree with Mesbahi it is an inner-process to learn the way of the One Humanity – Oneness And Equality – and a challenging one based on my personal experience, yet it is essential if we are to take part in the new world, because we have to be the ones that place the first stones to create it, and leave a first great set of steps for generations to come.

So, I recommend to anyone this book, while considering what I share in this blog, to not forget about our day to day living which defines who we are and what we create in our world. To consider this individual process of being able to assist and support myself and many others to integrate the way of life within our day to day living, the way of self-honesty, of self-forgiveness in order to create and reach our utmost potential individually and collectively.

The only difference is I am deciding to focus form the within towards the without currently based on my personal expertise and awareness at the inner-level, yet the result is intended to be the same: creating a world that’s best for all, that can be a platform for life creation for the first time in our human existence.

I can agree this book represents what I and many more are considering very obvious and common sensical to do, but I do challenge and suggest everyone to share this kind of books with people that are generally sceptic about these topics, about changing the system, about distribution of resources as a human right – so that people can get a comprehensive view of it including a very personal purpose that I see myself and many more in this world can align to in relation to the ways to change ourselves and this world, but we need to keep expanding awareness on all of these possibilities to people that are not yet seeing the common sense of this, and so share things like this book, blogs, vlogs and any piece of media that is creating an awareness of the potential we all have to change this world through our very own change of mind and participation in these principles.

We are the ones that have this window of opportunity to wake up and do something to change things, and we don’t have to wait for these massive manifestations happening on a daily basis either, we can and also have to start within ourselves, learning to live these principles of oneness and equality, changing the nature of our human relationships and changing the nature of ourselves in our thought, word and deed, it’s the way of Jesus’ message as Mesbahi also explains, and I couldn’t agree more, that’s what we are all here to learn and live, because it’s now or never.

Thanks for reading

You can find the whole text of the book available at:

http://www.sharing.org/information-centre/reports/heralding-article-25-peoples-strategy-world-transformation

 

To watch the series of interviews conducted on topics related to Living Income, Fundamental Human Rights, Alternative Systems please visit:

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Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


528. Hostages of the Past

Or how I’ve been existing in righteousness about the ideas, beliefs, opinions and perceptions towards people that I haven’t seen in a long time yet have dared to create an opinion about ‘who they are’ in their lives – and standing up from the gossipy me.

I listened to this audio interview called Directing Relationships and found it quite supportive considering I had a similar situation recently based on having to explain my past relationship with someone that another person also got to know of and we both had the point in common that our relationship with that person ended up with some kind of discontent on that person’s side so, in a way through this conversation we were seconding our perspectives about that other person being conflictive or ‘the problem.’

However the reality of the point is that I haven’t really talked to this person we were talking about in years and even if our last failed interaction ended up in me being like ‘what did I do that made him get so pissed off?’ I never really made any move to clarify things or haven’t made any decision to get in contact with the person and see where they’re at in their life currently, because ‘I saw no point’ but the reality is that there are judgments there that created such vacuum for me towards that other person.

Based on what I got from this sharing that Sunette recorded in that audio, I got to see how I did participate in a form of gossip in that conversation, where I was caging the person in a definition of who they were over ten years ago and where I last saw them which was almost four years ago, which means: a long time ago already.

I’ve noticed that I’ve actually kept this and many more people in my life in a particular bubble of judgments as all the reasons why I stopped talking to them, why I cut ties with them at the time – this mostly happening some 9 or 8 years ago, which is already quite a long time to even believe that I have a say on ‘who these people are’ currently, because I know for myself that I am certainly not the same person I was 10 years ago and that any idea, belief or perception I’ve kept throughout this whole time about someone being ‘this or that’ without actually talking to them and referencing ‘who they currently are’ ends up being an assumption and yes also a form of gossip where I believe ‘I know’ the person ‘so well,’ but is it, really? Not at all.

And another aspect is that even if I would spend my days with such person currently, I would still not have any authority to have a definitive say about ‘who they really are’ as a person, because it all would still be my perception, my opinion and limited judgment about another.

So I got a very cool wakeup call through this recording where I got to see where I had just precisely done that whole gossiping myself without even having identified it as such to begin with, because I was really certain about my ‘final verdict’ on ‘who this person is currently’ and I was standing in my judge position as if I knew exactly who the person is, not considering the time that has passed and the lack of interaction with them currently.

Therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold people in my past as hostages in my mind, wherein I would only ‘release them’ if I could have any interaction with them where I could define that ‘I am ok towards them again’ and therefore, release all of the judgments of the past, instead of realizing that I am the one that has created this whole hostage situation based on my own judgments and that it is because of those judgments that I would not actually allow myself to approach them currently in my life, even if an opportunity would arise, which I hereby realize I have to change and be willing to be open and approachable if the opportunity arises to see, talk and hang out with these people again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in gossip towards another person that I believe I know ‘so well’ and speak from past memories of who I believed them to be ten years ago, while pretending to know ‘who they currently are’ as if I had an authority over them and have a say on their lives and ‘how they are’ which is not at all so.

Here I realize that what came through are all the judgments that I’ve kept towards that person as a series of reasons and justifications of why I decided to not talk to that person again, wherein I made up a belief in my mind of ‘who they are’ and thus why we are no longer able to get along or talk to each other – this is limiting for myself because I am holding another captive in my mind based on past judgments, which means I am holding myself captive to my own judgments as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have any say about another person that I haven’t had any contact with in years, yet that I’ve held in the exact same position of ten years ago where I last interacted with them sufficiently to say ‘I know them’- when in fact, I currently do not know them, haven’t talked to them at all therefore have no say in ‘where they’re at’ in their life or ‘what they’re all about’ – which means that any judgments and opinions I shared with another person about this person is nothing else but gossip, assumptions, opinions and judgments which I would certainly not want any person to do onto myself, therefore I have to live my own principles and not dare to speak of another out of old memories, experiences and judgments that I’ve held towards another for so long and that I have to take responsibility for within myself, not share my own ‘backchat’ about them with others as ‘the truth of who they are’ which is definitely now who I want to be in conversation with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my opinions and judgments towards another individual because of believing that ‘I know that person so well’ that I am entirely correct in all of my assessments, and therefore it gives me this ‘authority’ to say what I have to say about the person – when in fact, it is actually really daring to say ‘I know someone’ in the totality of who they are even if they were part of my own family or a close relationship, because most of the times we really don’t know a person in their totality and therefore it doesn’t give us any ‘authority’ to speak about them or define them in a set of words that I’ve kept mostly as a reason, justification and excuse to not have to align my relationship towards that person in self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I am right’ in my words and assessment about that person because this is what I’ve told to myself for all of these years to justify keeping that person in a ‘cage’ in my own mind, which I have not even dared to open up and investigate for myself, what the truth and reality of my relationship with that person entailed in my life and the impacts it had  in general, where I do not only look at all the seemingly ‘bad’ but instead I can also now dare to see it and open it up to recognize the aspects that I could take form that person in my own life and benefit from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep the idea of a person in my head captive, judging them and loading them with ‘all the bad stuff and aspects I could think of’ in order to also make myself belief that ‘there is no value in another person because of all of that’ when in fact, I am the only one that is devaluing myself in keeping judgments like these about another person, even more so when not having kept in contact with them for such a long time which means, I don’t really know the person currently and I have no say in where they’re at in their lives currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an absolutist judge in my head towards people in my past where I ended off relationships because of only focusing on ‘all the bad aspects’ that I saw at the time in them and so in a way giving up ‘on them’ without realizing that I in fact gave up on myself and my ability to learn to see a person for who they are in their totality, with all the pros and cons and not ‘give up’ on someone based on only focusing on the  problems, conflicts or disagreements that we had during a relationship, but instead be willing to also see the supportive and constructive aspects of a person as well, instead of believing that because I am no longer in a relationship with them and haven’t seen them in such a long time, I have a right to diminish and judge them with all my past judgments that were also created and kept from the time where I got to be most radical in myself and very absolutist in nature as well, which in the end has only been a limitation in me to not approach them with clear eyes myself.

Therefore I realize that I’ve kept my own righteousness, absolutism and judgmental perspectives upon people after all of this time based on ideas, beliefs or perceptions that I certainly see do not honor them as beings, nor does it all honor myself as the holder of all of that backchat as opinions, judgments, beliefs about ‘who others are’ which actually do not define them, but define myself as I am the creator and holder of such judgments ‘towards others.’

I hereby commit myself to stop holding others as hostages of the past in my own mind – including myself as well – wherein I have to remind myself that I can only be holding myself captive by those judgments wherein I am the one creating a barrier to not interact with these people anymore or believe that I would not dare to talk to them again, all of it based on memories, ideas, prejudices of the past which would mean I haven’t really self-forgiven and let go my relationships with them ‘back then.’

Therefore I have to give myself the opportunity to start from scratch and let go of the notion of having ‘a say’ about anyone of my past, and instead dare to get to know who they currently are, what they are about, how they are currently doing in their life and open up a door for me to also transcend a lot of my judgments of the past and within that, transcend the ‘judgmental me’ that I’ve kept with righteousness for so long within myself.

I also here commit to stop holding myself captive in ‘who I was’ in the past and therefore who I was in interactions with others in the past, so that if and when anyone speaks about another person that I used to be related with a long time ago, I can genuinely say that I sincerely not know where they’re at right now or how they are doing and I cannot really say I ‘know them so well’ either, because I only interacted them such a long time ago that it is not a fresh perspective that I can have any authority to share with another – and even if I had any current interaction with another, I genuinely have no say in defining another person with a few words in their totality either.  I can instead share a general experience of how I interacted with that person ‘back in the day’ while clarifying  that this is how it was before, that this defines me and my experience only, so this is only memory and perception based and has no validity to define who the person actually is.

By sharing these past experiences and emphasizing on how they were ‘experiences of the past that don’t define the person currently, nor myself’ I can also possibly assist others in learning to see for themselves how we tend to hold others captive in our minds based on a conflict or disagreement that happened in the past, which ultimately diminishes our ability to transcend our own limitations as judgments, perceptions, opinions and beliefs about ourselves and others.

So, I will walk as well a personal process in opening up more in relation to this person in my life because it is for a reason that they keep ‘coming up’ in my awareness and it might just be because I have kept them ‘in a cage’ in my mind, loading the idea of that person with opinions, judgments and perceptions that I sincerely had not actually realized I was doing, because of being completely believing that ‘I was right’ about my perceptions on that person and in essence, containing myself in a relationship with them of avoidance, of judgment, of holding a grudge and perceiving that ‘they were a mistake of my past’ which is part of what I have to deconstruct for myself for sure and so set myself free and set the idea I have of this and many others in my life ‘free’ in my mind, and standing one and equal to who they really are.

Thanks for reading.

 

 Captivity


524. Redefining Routine

Or The Gift of Responsibilities and Discipline on a day to day basis as a point of stability and consistency in my life

What I’ve discovered more and more through this process is how once that one decides to walk through an experience and does all the necessary work to see behind the ‘veil’ of such experience, what one will finds is oneself, the potential that we have to be in fact ‘here’, directive, content, grounded, stable and embracing the walk of life even during seemingly difficult or tough times.

What I looked at today was the benefit of having responsibilities and getting to fulfill as a point of stability in my life which I am in fact grateful for, as well as self-discipline that can be applied to taking on responsibilities and fulfilling them – but I also see discipline more in the context where one doesn’t ‘have to do something’ as an obligation, requirement or commitment with a second party, but discipline in things that we decide to do for ourselves, for the benefit, enjoyment and self-expansion of it.

An example can be how I know that it sucks whenever I over sleep and I’ve ‘squandered’ some 1 or 2 hours in sleeping over the usual time, which has happened after going through somewhat emotionally charged days or extensive physical work which doesn’t really happen in my life currently but has in the past. I generally dislike that experience and as much as I’ve stopped being moody about it, it’s one of those things where one simply didn’t get to use that time of the day for what was planned because of ‘oversleeping.’

So, a simple point for me can be to be diligent in waking up, sometimes reminding me of how I dislike the experience of missing out those hours of the day, sometimes because I enjoy waking up before the sun rises and I enjoy going out for a jog during the dawn and enjoying that there are not too many cars, that there’s not a scorching sun upon me and that there’s the chilliness of morning times, which is a constant here no matter what season we’re in. I discovered I genuinely enjoy doing this because I get to go to the park and be in such an environment even if for only half an hour a day and then I come back and feel content with myself, satisfied that I was able to wake up and direct myself to do that and can continue with my day which I also like to see as this continuation of activities – from one to the other, to the next – and sometimes fitting them like a puzzle according to the day, the plans that I have and making it work, which usually works but sometimes there are things that come out of nowhere and I also have to learn to be more flexible on that and not lose ‘track’ of myself that way, which I still have to work on.

So, in a way I am finding how doing seemingly ‘simple’ things as part of my day are quite grounding, supportive and a point of stability in my life – to me schedules work as an integral part of who I am in my day, I plan instinctively but in the sense of fitting things in certain timeframes and according to the set-times for certain meetings – and I am the only one that would be causing myself an ‘overload’ or delay of something if I don’t simply direct myself to do it as it is required. Of course procrastination is still something I have to work on, especially in doing things that I believe they have no ‘value’ for myself, which I will be working on fairly soon as well and challenging such rigidity in myself.

I personally enjoy going out for long walks when it’s windy and sunset time and I don’t know what it is but there’s nothing that is more enjoyable to me than that, it’s just feeling the wind and walking and if I’m listening to music it creates a complement where I get to enjoy the moment for and as myself. Same if I decide to go to the movies and watch a movie that I can reflect on for myself or enjoy for the visuals of it – I’m more allowing that to myself after having lived some years of almost no movies. I truly was living a little bit like a monk, which was ok to test out my relationship with things like music and entertainment, but lately I’ve been reincorporating more of this in my life because it is part of the things I can enjoy for myself and that I can do within my current life situation.

Of course all of this integrated with the rest of my day to day responsibilities and routines that I have to say in my case, have been a point of stability, of consistency that becomes more than just a ‘doing’ or ‘getting something done,’ but more of a way in which I am able to now approach a ‘routine’ not with the eyes that I used to before in the sense of going ‘oh no, not again the same, sameness, same old, ah, I need change, need a break’ or any of that –

interestingly enough, by now if I had repeated that kind of reactions every single day, today I was actually reflecting in how even the simple movement of coming to the computer and turning it on by now would have been something I would be physically rejecting or reacting to do, if I had continued to build reactions towards my every day, including daily self-care tasks which yes I had a time where I was reacting to the very fact of having to go to the toilet or having to eat, having to do all of these things on a daily basis. It may sound strange to some, but if you can relate to it: been there, done that and I had to stop my reactions, realize I am the only one creating them and instead embrace physicality, embracing the physical routine because that’s quite a certainty of our lives, day followed by night completing a day and ‘repeat’ the next day – that’s also a point of stability in fact, and I’ve learned to see it as such rather than ‘predictable’ and ‘boring’ or whatever else.

So what changed? Certainly not the length of day and night or any of that, but myself, entirely deciding to live my day to day in a way where I can be stable throughout it all, no matter how many times I will ‘rinse and repeat’ the same thing, because I stopped projecting ‘the future’ and my life based on the amount of days I believe I will be doing the same (or the amount of years I will get to live, because who knows! We don’t even have the next breath assured, really) but instead have actually learned to live a day and giving it what I am capable of in that one day, dare I say I am not yet in that ‘fullest potential’ for sure, and that’s what I’ll continue working on.

This also comes back to something that I decided to live on from when I was in junior high school and I read somewhere a quote along the lines of never losing the ability to be astounded – but I saw it not so much in terms of the ability to react in wonder or amazement or a ‘high’ experience of sorts, but simply in being able to rediscover oneself every day, by developing self-awareness. I’ve heard so many people say that they get bored, and I used to as well, but since I got to be aware of this process, there hasn’t been a day I have defined as ‘boring’ because there’s always something to do, we  simply got more than enough to ‘do’ with getting to really know ourselves and ‘debunking’ where our lies hide and getting real and honest with ourselves to change all of that which we dislike in ourselves, what we know will harm us and eventually destroy us or sabotage us.

I understand that initially it may seem – and I repeat SEEM, because it’s always an experience, therefore it’s only energy – as if it was difficult to get to a point of clarity in relation to something, to even wake up with a ‘clear’ experience to start your day, your ‘routine’, but all I can say is hold on to yourself and stick to the wheel, keep driving and navigating yourself through the seemingly stormy weather, it too shall pass and if you don’t give up or recoil back to fear during a storm, you will get to see the skies clear up and you’ll see yourself remaining standing. And that is something I can call a genuine strength, a perseverance and consistency, a result of discipline, clarity and stopping participation in reactions to our ‘day to day’ living – we decide which words define us – I personally prefer to keep cultivating discipline, consistency, perseverance and dedication rather than any other emotional outburst that I know will only drop me back to ‘square one’ in whichever development I am attempting to create in my life.

A last pointer here, to not get lost in the experience, but to get active and ‘on track’ on a day to day basis, this is the best gift we can give to ourselves on a daily basis, to dignify our lives with the responsibilities we have, with the care that we can give us because the moment we go into an experience about doing these basic things in our life related to physical care and work, responsibilities, relationships or anything that we know we have to face day by day, we are only preparing a road full of reactions and endless sources of Inner-conflict – because it’s not about ‘the world, the people, the relationships or the tasks’, never – it’s all about who we decide to be in relation to it all.

I suggest to rather consider or ‘keep in mind’ the potential that is right here as ourselves, in our very physical body that is being powered breath by breath – if we simply decide to do it, to move through the storm and stick to moving ourselves by living principles, continuing to clear ourselves up with writing, self-forgiveness and laying out corrective applications, then we will see the benefits of this process and understand what I mean here.

All I can say is: this works, if we make it work – it’s up to each one of us to tap into such life and consistency that is always here as ourselves if we decide to live as it and stopping getting ‘lost’ in the experiences towards a self-created doom.  

I decide to see every day as one more chance/opportunity to live, to learn, to expand, to explore myself, to re-discover myself, to challenge myself – yet keeping it simple – Simplicity is the key, as B would say

Thanks for reading

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


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