Category Archives: self

644. Strengthening Confidence

 

 It’s been some interesting and very active past 2 months, time seems to go flying to me and it seems that the more that I have expanded my view on how to get things done in relation to ‘having a baby’ and more specifically on ‘delivering’ a baby, a lot more has kind of opened up within me to ‘integrate’ the realization of soon having a new little person in our lives that we have to completely and absolutely take care of, and embracing that fact by preparing myself the best that I can for it. This is a practical way to create confidence within myself which is a word I’ll be writing quite a bit about today, considering I’ve made two words to live by the focus of my current living time which are: confidence and strength.

I have previously written about and understood confidence to be the result of doing something many times, practicing something a lot to the point where you feel at ease, comfortable in doing it, trusting yourself that ‘you can’ because you have done it so many times. However, when it comes to something that will be a ‘once off’ situation like in this case having a baby – and yes no matter how many one may have, each time will be surely different and unique – one cannot really ‘practice’ that process to the point of getting comfortable with it. One can play a simulation, get some exercises and movements integrated at a physical level to become more aware of the body parts involved, become more aware of breathing, understanding the ‘theory’ behind the birthing process, strengthening the body to the point where one can withstand such a demanding and strenuous process – or so I’ve been told/heard/read it is – but that’s as far as one can go.

In this case, there’s that complete aspect of ‘stepping into the unknown’ and something unlike anything I have felt or gone through before, the complete newness of it surely brings uncertainties, doubts, fears and the usual thing that emerges with anything new are – most likely – all the ‘worst things that could happen’ and I will say that, to a certain extent it is OK to be informed in all things that ‘could go wrong,’ but knowing is not the problem: worrying, preoccupying oneself about that IS the problem. And that’s something that I have also been working on by instead focusing on living this process of ‘preparation’ day by day and having a focus on living the words confidence and strength, and I’ll explain how in this blog.

I consider I am directing the diligence and discipline that I may have for more ‘mental’ tasks in a more physical-body level currently based on what I’ve informed myself will be required for me to deliver a baby naturally. The words that got me to consider this were: “it will most likely be like climbing up a mountain” and well, considering I’ve not been that proficient at doing such a thing before, I considered it was a bit ‘too late’ to get prepared for that, but people in these preparation processes have encouraged me to think otherwise and to rather be able to trust myself in being able to do it. But only ‘thinking’ I can trust myself is definitely not enough for me. 

Interestingly enough, I have kept a somewhat constant physical activity for some 15 years – yes before I was a coach potato for the most part and ‘loathed’ physical exercise – in some phases I’ve pushed myself a lot more than in others, but I never really considered myself as having some kind of ‘athletic wood’ so to speak, and I’ve realized that these were also self-imposed limitations based on ‘the genes’ I have or ‘the family I come from’ where physical activity wasn’t really inculcated, etc. All excuses, to be honest. Well, enough with the excuses. Today I’m on my 31 week, yep that means less than 10 weeks now to give birth and I’ve been feeling quite well to be honest.

I know I have ‘pooped’ my emotions here about those first three months and surely, they weren’t pleasant at all, perhaps if I could have done something different it would have been to push myself to do some light exercises and stop fearing ‘miscarriages’ altogether, because it wasn’t supportive or healthy to have that in mind the whole time, so there, that’s my point to advice and perhaps learn from, so from pre-occupying myself I decided to rather strengthen myself and my resolve to walk this whole decision of having a baby and becoming a mother the best way that I can, not only for myself, but for my baby’s wellbeing.

Ever since the fourth month kicked in and I started to get back to being active, things improved a lot within me –mentally and physically – and I haven’t stopped talking about the importance of physical exercise to really support the body through all the changes that it is going through with the pregnancy. I’ll share here how I went introducing that because as much as I don’t like to say ‘this is how things should be or go,’ who knows? Someone might give it a try and integrate activities that might assist them in their body and maybe explore others that may ‘resonate’ or be more aligned with themselves in terms of exercises or activities to keep oneself active throughout the pregnancy. 

On the fourth month I started doing some light prenatal yoga from videos on YouTube, which were a nice way to get myself ‘back on track’ after – really – doing Nothing for 3 months. Ugh, I feel a bit of frustration about that because I definitely saw how the lack of my usual walks and exercise definitely had an impact on my mental state – and I know there will be a phase like that after our baby is born, so I have to be gentle and understanding on that and know that ‘it is a phase’ only and to embrace it as part of the  recovery process.

Then, I got into swimming, I originally only wanted ‘free time’ in a pool, but I decided to actually take the classes and have some guidance on my time in the pool, so I’m taking swimming classes and aqua fitness which apparently is quite recommendable for pregnant ladies as well. This is where the ‘surprising’ factor comes in based on how much I’ve been enjoying that – as I mentioned in my last blog – but also how I thought my endurance would diminishing as baby grows, but the contrary is happening, I would say. I enjoy how there’s some strengthening happening in my body and surely, yes, I take it ‘slower’ perhaps, but the drive and commitment to be there every single time pushing myself a bit more has been quite an awesome experience for me, considering that I thought that those qualities were mostly like ‘mental’ qualities for me, but taking them to a physical level, has been quite rewarding in terms of the result of all of this is  feeling quite well physically, and consequently having my mind, my body quite well and aligned I’d say, feeling at peace with it, which is surely supportive for both of ourselves in the body J

I also got back into doing my usual walk which is like 3 kilometers a day at least, perhaps not ‘every day’ but 5 times a week if I can. I did have a flu that lasted some 3 days and I didn’t go out then, but on the fourth day I was back on track and that also supported me to recover faster. Then, I only started prenatal yoga at the end of last month and that I definitely regret not having gotten into before, but as they said: it’s not too late and so I’m there. That has definitely been quite ‘on spot’ for me to strengthen the muscles that will be involved in the whole delivery process and also encouraging myself to get better at it withstanding those yes, very demanding poses at times – lol – but knowing hey! I am getting better at it as weeks go by, regardless of baby bump growing or me putting on weight, which interestingly enough hasn’t also sky rocketed because of the exercise I guess and surely, watching out my food intake as well because! I did see the consequences of going into all the ‘dia de muertos’ treats like the sweet bread lol, where I gained an extra kilo by indulging too much into it, and I immediately noticed there was some swelling going on so that was a ‘red alert’ for me to cut out carbs and not over indulge. So that was also me listening and paying attention to my body, something I thought I just ‘wasn’t able to do’ or couldn’t ‘connect’ with, this whole pregnancy process has definitely assisted me to get more intimate and integrate more with my body, that’s for sure.

And then last but not least, continuing with my qi gong classes which have been overall supportive in integrating myself more within my body, learning to breathe and so become more aware of breath throughout the day and integrate some more of my strengths and core capacities by acknowledging what we are all made of, who we really are as living matter and what we are meant to live and do here on Earth. All of these activities also involve getting to know and meet people that have a similar vein of self-support, self-improvement, self-development and that’s awesome without a doubt, because many times one can feel a bit ‘alone’ in some processes so getting ‘out there’ and meeting people in doing physical activities together has assisted me a lot as well.

I guess one of the satisfactions I have is how from the let’s call it ‘dread and fear’ I had at the beginning of the pregnancy, I set myself to turn it around into a process of self-empowerment – both physically and mentally – through practicing ways to live the words confidence and strength, which to me have come from the physical doings which in turn remind myself of such confidence and strength at an ‘inner’ level, which is what we are all capable of being and doing, but we don’t remind ourselves of it enough or we ‘placate’ those attributes by focusing too much on fears and mental distractions that lead nowhere but to disempowerment. And that usually comes from fears and oh, we know where fears lead us…… to the grave.

It has also been a cool confirmation of all of this when going to the doctor for checkups and have him read a whole list of possible problems or symptoms and say ‘nope’ to all of them. My main discomforts have been related to having to pee constantly and some heartburn or acidity in the esophagus, for which I was told it is ok to take antacids, and so that’s what the prescription was about. That’s been about it for my pregnancy discomfort so far. What’s the reason for this? Again, I attribute this to physical activity and a change of attitude within me towards the whole process.

Meaning, when I decided ‘I’m going to FULLY do and embrace this pregnancy, that means doing the most that I can to be well in my body not only for myself but for the baby too, which is also being reflected in how things are developing with her, which is awesome and satisfying as well. Again, I got told so many stories of all things that could go wrong, and it’s OK to learn from others’ mistakes and experiences, but I have also taken all of that feedback as a way to challenge it and myself within it, and trusting my body in its capacity to do this, which it already does without me being able to be at all aware of how my body, my life, is developing another life within me, I’m just doing the ‘balancing and maintenance’ so to speak, and preparing the ‘mothership’ as best as I can, but also not going by the idea that ‘I shouldn’t be doing all that physical work’ and so forth, because, the results are the results so far, so that’s a physical proof that the more I keep at it with strengthening my body and keeping confident that I will know when to slow down or change routines, I will then make changes accordingly, but not out of fear, but out of consideration for my body and for the baby, which is a physical assessment by the day.

There were a couple of days after I hit the 30 weeks where I thought ‘uh the discomfort is kicking in now’ which was a thought linked to hitting the 30 weeks mark in gestation, but I said to myself, it’s only more weight on the belly, you can get used to it, might take some days but then it will be the ‘new sensation’ only – and yes, gladly it was temporary as well. So, a change in attitude has also been a key point as well when it comes to it, because it’s easy to get influenced by others’ stories and experiences, but also the more you hear about people that have pushed themselves beyond ‘perceived limits,’ it inspires you to do the same and test it out with due caution of course.

A part of me didn’t want to share about all of this because there is that tendency in all of us to compare and believe that ‘if she can, then I can’ and that’s most likely not the case either.  Each one’s physical and emotional process will be entirely different based on the fact that no ‘two’ individuals are ever exactly the same. What I am seeing at this moment is also the result of all the work done first at a mind level within this process with Desteni, learning how to handle my emotions, my fears and now integrating more of a physical aspect to it, integrating more with my body through the exercises and practices, which yes many times lead me to wonder ‘Why on Earth hadn’t I done this before?’ but hey, I can’t live in remorse about that, it’s here, I’m here, I’m doing it, I’m enjoying it and that’s what counts to me.

It’s also very supportive to meet people going through the same process – in this case pregnancy – and seeing how they handle it, that has been mostly inspiring and opening ideas and doors to try things out that were completely ‘out of my radar’ before, investigating, learning more about our bodies as we go through pregnancy and during labor and all that stuff that I simply wasn’t interested ‘at all’ before. And that has also led me to appreciate and be in more connection and comfort within my own body, yes, even though that belly is getting bigger by the day, there’s an appreciation of how the body can ‘handle’ that ‘weight of life’ as I like to call it hehe and still be functioning well, without me giving it ‘orders’ of what needs to be done, and that’s also how that confidence exists at a very primal and pure physical level of ‘my body knows what it’s doing’ and I am like a care-taker that ensures I give it proper rest, nutrition, exercise and mental support as in self-checking what is ‘moving’ as things open up and happen as we prepare to become parents.

One of the main topics have also been standing our ground in terms of how we want to do things, despite the fears or warnings we may get from others around us that I’m sure have the best intentions to provide certain information or experience as a form of care, but! There’s also an importance in doing things the way that resonate the best with where one is in relation to one’s body, one’s life, one’s partner in this case and assessing what would be of course best for the baby to come, even if that involves more challenges, perhaps more pain if you will, some ‘risks’ like with anything, but ultimately the more we ground ourselves with this strengthening of confidence, the more the ‘what ifs’ and ‘fears’ go dwindling.

In my case as I’ve discussed in my very first blog about pregnancy, I noticed that ‘it all’ was ‘the greatest fear’ I had: to get pregnant, to deliver a baby – naturally or through surgery – and to become a mother/parent. And it’s been quite cool to look back and see how I’ve set myself for it without half-assing the process or leaving it in the hands of fate to see ‘how things will be’ so to speak, meaning, doing nothing to get prepared, informed and as much as I can ready for what’s to come. But as with anything, that’s as much as I can do and as far as my certainty can go. There’s also the understanding and awareness that we may have certain plans and ideas of ‘how things will go,’ but I’m also totally aware this is the unknown and uncharted territory for us, so, I’m also integrating the flexibility, the ability to understand that if things can’t go as expected, if something happens ‘out of the foreseen,’ I can trust myself that no matter what, I can go through it, there can be solutions, there are always ways to walk through something and that in the end, things will be alright – and this may not mean a ‘desired outcome’ – but rather understanding how things happen and one can only buckle one’s shoes to walk that path and learn as one goes in the moment as it happens.

Perhaps something I will say is to not ‘conform’ or ‘settle’ for something that one is not 100% comfortable with or certain about. We live in a great time where any and all kinds of info is at the tips of our fingers and in our pockets, so it really takes that will to say ‘nope, I am not satisfied with this plan/idea of how to do things, let’s see what other options there are’ and that unravels perhaps a whole new path and way of doing and approaching things that in turn, can be a lot more satisfying, grounding, supportive and beneficial than if settling for the ‘not so great but at least known’ or ‘settling for the comfortable’ so to speak, which at least in my book is not something I want to do in my life.

This is also where I can remind myself that even if things do not go as expected, I can be satisfied with myself that I made a decision and have lived it all the way every single day with the best attitude and effort, discipline and commitment that I can, because yes I knew I could not ‘live with myself’ if I had remained in say, the physical and mental state that I was in when I walked those first three months… sure the nausea was just endless every day and all those abrupt physical changes but, I know that also my unsettled fears and what ifs may have aggravated that. So, for me what worked is physical activity and through that balancing out whatever else may come at a mind level to deal with. For some others it might be the other way around or not need the physical activity at all – but this is my experience thus far.

And yes, who knows, it’s interesting how it goes when others share their experience, it’s almost as if hardship is expected, like ‘oh you will see how it goes when you hit the third trimester’ or ‘oh you won’t be so light about it when you can’t sleep or tie your shoes’ and so forth… but, even those comments and experiences I’m taking as a reference to perhaps challenge them – or confirm them in any case – and really getting to see how truthful they are or if they are just an outcome of perhaps not having remained active enough during pregnancy to keep a relative level of functionality. And again, this may not be a possible thing to do for each one based on previous health conditions, so, not to be taken personally, but if one is sound and healthy, then surely there is no reason to not try out some of these suggestions out.

Also watching YouTube videos of people that have kept a good level of functionality throughout their pregnancy has been quite supportive and inspiring, but not only on YouTube because it has been very encouraging to for example meet a lady on my first day of prenatal yoga and ask her ‘hey how far are you in your pregnancy?’ and her replying ‘Oh I’m on the 9th month, I could give birth today actually, who knows! I’m feeling kind of weird today’ and still go through the entire – yes –physically rocking session of prenatal yoga. I actually sent her a voice message to thank her for her example, which cheered her up after some complications that she had upon delivery and nursing. This was also a cool reminder for me to not keep quiet when I see strengths in others that may need to hear about it in moments of weakness or disempowerment, she thanked me for it even though I only met her once and talked to her for about 10 minutes in total, but that contact was also crucial for a number of reasons, and perhaps someone that I will continue to relate to as time goes.

Why hadn’t I written before? Things had to be walked real time for me to share with confidence about it, it’s easy to write words and ideas of what to do, but walking them, living them and sharing back the results is what counts the most for me, since I then have a tangible reference of how things are going  and how it all seems to be working well for me, which is satisfying – and perhaps it assists in ‘what’s to come’ as in strengthening my character and getting ready for the life changing event, which will surely rock my world around for good.

Another factor is that baby doesn’t like me to remain sitting for long periods of time – and yes even if I switched my office chair for a bouncing birth ball, she likes activity for sure, so she starts kicking when I’ve been sitting for longer periods of time, so I’ve had to move things around in my day to still keep at it with my responsibilities, but also attend and listen to my body and my baby to get food, movement, exercise, sleep and so forth. Right now I skipped my daily walk because we had a pregnancy circle reunion during the morning to meet other ‘to be’ parents and discuss about the general doubts and learn some stuff for the delivery process, which was cool, but then, that involved being out and traveling a bit further away so, I decided to stay home for the afternoon and write this out.

At some point I thought I was going to write more about ‘standing up to others’ fears’ but, I realized that would have been more like a ‘defense’ mode or ‘attacking’ mode to people’s fears that I did allow myself to feel conflicted by at some point when it comes to deciding to give birth naturally, but then I realized that fears are just fears. I have to understand why they emerge, why some people hold them as ‘truth’ to their heart and simply understand that it might also be a cool process for them to see how things can go without fears or ameliorating their fears even with say natural remedies – or plain meds in some cases – to assist the body to walk through some of those fears. In this case it’s more in relation to my mother for example in how she presents this pattern and I’m learning to not take it personally or be influenced by it, but more so understand it and also see myself reflected in them in order to see what I have to also change within me to not follow through that ‘fear path’ that she has – which has definitely also ‘poured through’ into the rest of the family. I realized that I do not need to ‘stand up to fears’ but more like focusing on strengthening our resolve, our will, our determination and our confidence to walk through something that, well, should be as natural as eating for the most part, otherwise humanity would have gone extinct a long time ago, isn’t it?

So I’m learning to not get influenced or ‘determined’ by others’ decisions, comments, ideas, beliefs, perceptions, but rather strengthen my decision, my will, my body, my determination along with my partner who has been a major pillar of support from day 1 in my life, and who has definitely been a key and very relevant person in supporting this current process I’m walking with myself, my body, our baby within and the decisions that this life changing event is bringing to our lives J And we are quite satisfied so far with it, and that’s definitely awesome.  There is nothing like being completely aligned with your partner, your husband, your life partner, your agreement person when it comes to how to walk a pregnancy, a delivery process, a post-birthing process and then the rest of the life of raising a child together with that commitment of bringing someone that will continue to be what each one of us have set ourselves to bring to this world: a point of change, of authenticity in expression, of creating new ways of doing things that are more beneficial to life on Earth and in general, to give a continuation to that decision to live the best that one can, regardless of how ‘the world’ may look like. I’m learning lots from this and I’m sure this is just the tiny peak of the iceberg, the beginning and yes,  who knew I would say this, but I’m definitely enjoying it all – I’ll leave it at that and yes, embracing whatever comes in these last two months that I’ve left until the birthing process with this same approach and attitude I’ve described thus far.

If someone wants to discuss something in relation to what I shared or has questions, comments, please share, I definitely consider we are all in this together and there is nothing more humbling than knowing that this that I am sharing may be of support perhaps even for something completely different to a ‘birthing process’ – but in any other ‘birthing of life’ process that one may be involved in.

Thanks for reading J

Strengthening Confidence - Pregnancy blog


631. Notes on Compromise

 

Compromise:     the expedient acceptance of standards that are lower than is desirable.

Living compromise in my case has been existent mostly in the consideration of the relationships that I allowed myself to form in the past. Within the starting point of taking it back to self – and so not focusing on the others related to me this way – I realized how this allowance of something ‘less’ than what I could actually create for me and for the best have to do with a sense of self-deprecation and even ‘worthlessness’ that existed in me, wherein any form of relationships would reflect back what I was accepting and allowing with me. So they all were there in my life in accordance to ‘where I was’ in my life and as such, there is nothing to regret about because I’ve come to understand the process that I took in order to realize what I am seeing now.

We had a group chat on Friday where the point of pleasing people opened up. I couldn’t relate at first to pleasing per se, but I did recognize it in relation to how I would do things, shape myself in accordance to what I thought was more liked by others within a relationship. There were a few wherein I didn’t do it, but then compromise would show in other ways such as deciding to be with people that I thought I could eventually change and assist them in getting to some kind of ‘ideal’ expression or living potential – it never happened because of course, my starting point was focused on ‘them’ and not on being the best for myself, of doing and being those aspects I was seeking to change in others – it is common sense that if you are living the best of you, by default you won’t allow anything less than what you are living in terms of choosing who to share your life with.

I am focusing here on relationships because it is that one point we total choose to be in – well, at least it’s how it goes in most part of the world. So here I’m not talking about the necessary compromise that exists in other aspects of life like jobs and ways to make money to survive in this world, it’s merely about how we relate to others in relationships.

The reality is that when one starts living more of one’s truth, everything that doesn’t ‘fit the compromise shoe’ starts sticking out like a rotten fruit that needs to go – or rots the rest of the fruit. It becomes uncomfortable not because it represents a healthy challenge or an out of the comfort zone point of support, but because one realizes it is becoming a suppressing situation, one where there’s more of a ‘relationship management,’ going on, there’s more ‘lacks’ emerging, ‘longings’ and ‘ideas of how things can be’ and more things that ‘subtly bother me but I let it go by because, who knows? Maybe it changes later!’ or those moments where there’s this ‘slight’ seemingly subtle ‘sinking’ whenever one knows that one is not living one’s full expression in order to fit some kind of shoe we believe we ‘must be in’ to be liked or be okay with someone else in a relationship. Or even to ‘be in a relationship’ in itself, while it’s actually totally fine and ok if one genuinely decides to be alone and step out of the belief that ‘one needs to be in a relationship.’

Sometimes this pattern of conditioning and compromise goes well accepted in our society, simply because we believe we ‘can’t do any better’ or we just have to ‘suck the pain in’ and hope for better times. It has been baffling to me to get to know stories of how far women – and yes also males but mostly females in fact – stay in abusive relationships because of believing that they ‘love’ the other person or that without a man they are nothing, or for financial reasons and many kids in line, they have to stick to relationships that are very toxic. I haven’t been in such extreme situations, but I have been in relationships where I know that I am not living the totality of myself, that I am somehow trying to fit a shoe that doesn’t support me in fact – yet I still have put it on while secretly questioning my decision, and being in constant over analyzing of the situation and desiring for certain changes that I then go into hope and expectancy that ‘the other’ person eventually gets to in their lives and so consequently, in the relationship.

 

How I see it currently is that the creation of a relationship that is supportive comes along with ‘where we currently are’ within our lives, comes along with the kind of principles – or lack thereof – we are living in our lives. In essence, the ‘who we are’ is then going to reflect the kind of people we choose to be with. Many of us have gone into relationships out of need, out of wanting to ‘fulfill’ some aspect or some ‘existential void’ with a relationship and that is simply  meant to fail, because one is not entering a relationship as a fulfilled being, but seeking the comfort and dare I say ‘fulfillment’ in another. Well, I’ve been there myself a few times in the past and it’s a recipe for disaster.

There have been other times where I believed I was quite fulfilled within me and didn’t need to be with someone to represent that ‘fulfillment’ for me, but I still allowed myself to be in situations where something inside me knew things could be better, and not in the sense of ‘without conflict at all’ or being ‘better’ in an idealized way, but more in the sense that there is this untapped potential within me that I could in fact develop with someone that could be ‘ready’ for that. So, this is where the point of letting go of compromise comes as an understanding really. It is not about dismissing situations for seeing them as ‘less than’ but perhaps as being in different stages in life where personal development can be either diminished and suppressed or catalyzed in certain relationships or living decisions.

This is also where it enables me to see that if I live what’s best for me, it in fact becomes best for all. I’ve seen how in accepting and allowing compromise in me, it invariably affects the other person and everyone else that could be affected by it, because I’m not living my truth, the potential of who I can be and that becomes a series of diminishing steps that don’t support life in fact.

In terms of relationships, it’s about wanting the best for everyone involved. If a relationship is clearly not supporting someone, if it becomes something that is more about ‘managing’ one or the other, or about seeing ‘what the emotional experience is in the other’ or fearing certain attitudes in one another, or being over-vigilant about what the other one might be thinking, or how things are not working, or how things don’t seem right, or how I ‘should be in order to keep him/her happy’ then what do we know? We are compromising ourselves, we are not living our truth. It’s also about self-honesty and asking these questions not within the starting point of leaving ‘all the work’ to the other, but being honest about doing what it takes to make something work as with everything else.

I can say I have had compromised in every single relationship in the past. I have only now discovered and come to understand what it is to actually live me, be me with all my ups and downs, my qualities and my defects and not have anything to hide towards another, because that’s how I live my truth and now I know there’s people that’s up for taking that in, yes, that ‘intensity’ that I can be in my openness and not having any qualms about things, and how demanding I can also get to be – which yes I know I need to work on, but still, cool to know someone can understand such demanding nature as well. I enjoy the support that I can get from another that has a similar personal stance with his own life so that we don’t take bs from each other lol, it makes things fun and supportive in fact, because we don’t take things so seriously yet we point them out, because we know that our willingness to transcend the momentary bs is far greater than remaining ‘stuck’ in it or in an ‘experience.’

But I realize that as ‘easy’ as it might sound, it isn’t. It’s not like I got lucky only. Everything was a series of decisions that I took to get to where I am within myself to then decide to be with someone that supports the best in me, because this implies I am first doing and being and living that best for me. And also, it is not ‘honey over chips’ in a relationship where no compromise exists in such terms – of course there IS compromise, but it’s things that simply come with the living together of two individuals and what one is willing to live with – but to me the aspects that are relevant in relation to personal integrity, living habits and expression, are a supportive platform for me to live on currently.

It is only now that I can look back and see to what extent I ‘went’ to be liked, appreciated, to ‘fit in’ according to what I believe would make the relationship work, what I was willing to do in order to ‘make things work’ etc. The list goes on and the details are not even relevant because it is about the action, this ‘lesser of me’ being accepted where I know I ‘chip off’ a bit of myself and in that, it becomes a point of compromise.

Who knows if I am speaking from a place where I can still be living compromise and not be aware of it? But as I said before, I will eventually know as I continue deconstructing this personality system within me and continue focusing on self-development and self-creation. For now this is my current stance and I found it relevant to share about it because perhaps someone is going through similar experiences, having thoughts like ‘this is as as good as it gets’ when it comes to relationships, but I am now aware that you can indeed be with someone that is there ‘walking with’ side by side with you, instead of feeling like one or the other has to ‘drag’ the other to get to the top of the mountain. I did that in the past, but can’t also judge me for my choices because as I said, they reflect who I was at the time and that’s how I can now simply look back and forgive myself for it, because I know it is entirely ‘who I was’ in relation to ‘relationships’ at the time.

For now, I see that there is a foundation built for me to be the best of myself and a relationship can’t be ‘it’ for anyone. It is a companionship, but the rest is entirely up to me. Before I would take the relationship in itself as ‘the project’ to focus on, and it doesn’t have to be that way, that I don’t have to accept compromise, to have that ‘sinking’ feeling when being with someone, to fear losing someone, to fear not ‘being the best’ with another or to be in all kinds of fears and paranoia of ‘where they are at’ in their minds and lives, or expecting others to change. It then becomes another burden or ‘point to work through’ rather than being a platform of self-support and self-development.  It becomes much easier to be with someone that has a similar standing in life, because then the focus is on the mutual support to learn from each other, live and grow – not on managing ever present emotions or subtle experiences and frictions… Now I see how it feels to be living in compromise, and perhaps one can only realize one is living compromise when you step out of it and look back to realize how such compromise existed. At the same time I’m learning to focus on the present, on what’s here, on what I can be grateful for creating for me in my life and choosing essentially that which is supportive for my being.

It is ok to realize that not everyone can simply ‘bond’ with someone else based on preferences or similar mindset. Now I realize that perhaps it is the seemingly opposite worlds that complement themselves the most, because it’s not about having similar preferences, but principles, not similar personalities but similar disposition to learn and change in order to make something work like it is within a relationship. It is another kind of compromise, with ‘concessions’ where acceptances and allowances are made on both sides, in aspects that do not affect the main principles in which a relationship is built on, but adjustments that are meant to be there based on living with another person and embracing them as part of your life.

It takes two to tango, can’t expect things to work if only one is having the disposition… or perhaps it can, it really depends on what each person is willing to live with – accept and allow – I now know what is possible and what I see works best for me. This is what self honesty is, this is where I can’t make rules of this, because this is my current truth and stance – who knows? It can change in time, but for now I check within me and I’m clear, I have nothing holding me back in relation to the place where I’m at in terms of my life within a relationship – it’s the other way around for me at the moment, learning a lot each other, it is as if I at last I have the opportunity to be supported by another in a genuine way, instead of placing me on the supporter role only. Perhaps this is also a perception, but! I also have to be less apologetic in the sense of not wanting to sound ‘too dismissive’ – it is what it is really – and if it is best for me and others, I am sure this is what we all want for each other person, to be able to live their truth and be the best they can be no matter how or with whom. So this is also a cool note about compromise, where we believe that we are doing something ‘good’ for another by sticking with them even if that implies not being the best for ourselves…. Wrong… that invariably leads to their compromise as well one way or another, so best for all means, not accepting any lesser that what is possible for each one at any given moment in life.

 

There are a bunch of other things where I know I am compromising myself as in not living the best of myself and that’s where instead of focusing on ‘the lack’ I will be focusing on how to create, otherwise it again becomes a point to ‘fulfill’ through something/someone in separation of me.

 

Ok thanks for reading Sonrisa 

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty

 

 


624. Getting Off My High-Horse

get off (one’s) high horse. To stop acting as if one is better than other people; to stop being arrogant or haughty.

 

A lot of what I shared in my previous blog was also inspired by listening to the recent Eqafe recordings called When the Honeymoon Phase is Over  and After the Honeymoon Phase because it describes really well one of the main patterns that I have lived for a long time in my own mind where I have become very picky, deterministic and absolutist when it comes to creating a perception of ‘perfection’ existing in another that stands in the ‘position’ of being ‘my partner’ and creating this high standards about how the person ‘must be.’ In a way, I’ll be describing the creation of this ‘high horse’ character where I have been experiencing a sense of superiority and comparison towards my partners where I have been quite quick to determine what ‘is acceptable’ and what ‘isn’t’ based on forgetting  and not considering a few things that I’ll be sharing here.  

Even if I knew that I am changing this at a knowledge level when it comes to not judging people based on the emotional reactions they may have, but rather step up to create space for understanding them, placing myself in their shoes, not judging but instead, look back at how I can relate to the creation of reactions and how I have supported me to walk through them, I have at the same time held a very blind spot when it comes to the person that ‘occupies’ the role of being ‘MY partner’ and in that almost creating a separate ‘grading’ system for them, because of thinking a bit too high of myself and so considering that ‘they’ should be ‘up to my standards’ in a way, and so I’ll be sharing how this is quite consequential and the lessons I’ve learned by identifying this within me through the support of that couple of Eqafe recordings.

I can totally relate to the description in the audio recording of being almost like this king with his whole flair and absolutist power to simply say ‘No’ to something and make it unacceptable and create zero space for a second consideration about someone or something they are deciding on. This is in relation to how in my relationship there was a moment where I decided to question certain reaction in my partner which wasn’t really ‘new’ because, I had been aware of it since the beginning. The important point that I’ve shared before is how it has been me all the way that decided to polarize the idea or image of the other person into a positive way where all the actual characteristics that I could have ‘questioned’ from the beginning, were shoved aside. This is where I had to realize that there was no deliberate ‘hiding’ from my partner about those aspects before, I was the only one that decided to blur them, place them aside and keep sugar coating those reactions whenever they would come up, in essence, not taking it seriously.

Yes, this is part of what is commonly known as the ‘honey moon phase,’ but it is definitely something I created in my mind where it was only now after several months that I decided to question certain reactive pattern and take it ‘too damn serious’ to question him about it, which was of course a bit ‘out of nowhere’ considering this wasn’t something new in our interactions, it was just me that in a moment decided to get on this high-horse of questioning in a very serious tone how ‘bad’ such reaction is and if I may be able or capable of continuing a relationship with someone that is having this kind of reaction towards other people in a certain moment of frustration.

Well, here is where I need to explain what this ‘high horse’ character entails and what I’ve realized from the moment I’ve been able to hear it in the recording and, to be honest, as I was translating such recordings, I had to laugh a lot when it was described, because that’s exactly how ‘I feel’ inside myself when having this ‘serious questioning’ about someone’s reaction and getting into this absolutist throne where I can put my thumb up or down to say yay or nay to continuing an entire relationship just because of getting to – or deciding to – question a pattern that I had simply left aside, not opened up and not even reacted to before. But based on my own shared experience in that moment – which yes was also that of being fed up by a certain situation that was ‘out of our hands’ I decided that what he said was ‘too sensitive’ and required attention and needed to be opened up.

This turned out to be very cool because all in all, regardless of my high horse stance or not, it was a reaction that assisted us a lot to get to talk about many other things to settle where we’re generally ‘at’ with each other in the relationship. This assisted me to refresh my memory of how I was in that moment projecting ‘how I want him to be’ – which is yes, a very common pattern in me that I haven’t totally changed, I can see that – and forgetting in one moment about the totality of who the person is and the noticeable mutually supportive aspects that we’ve developed in our relationship together.

Yep, it can be a bit baffling how I can get myself in that ‘zone’ where I just zoom-in one single aspect that I find simply ‘unacceptable’ in a single moment and suddenly decide that this is ‘so questionable’ that the entirety of who the person is becomes questionable. This is a common pitfall that I can see becomes like a tunnel vision where one can spiral almost out of control and losing sight of the reality of the person that we are judging and creating a problem about in our minds.

The high-horse character also implied that I was not seeing at all ‘my problem’ or ‘my personality play-out’ at all, because in my mind, I was in fact like this royal person that decides that this/that is not acceptable in MY life. I felt that superiority stance where almost ‘nothing’ or no one would ‘ever’ be ‘up to my standards,’ which means that somehow I have been regarding myself in a very ‘superior’ stance that I tend to mostly compare and project to the partners that I’ve had in my life. I tend to be more considerate to everyone else BUT! Holy, if it’s the one person that becomes ‘my partner’ it’s almost as if they had to be the premium gladiators to be ‘up to the standard’ of what would be somewhat similar to how I am or how I see myself.

Here, there needs to be some point of equilibrium because I’ve been in both polarities where I’ve disregarded myself in the past where I had no self-worth, self appreciation or self love and I went looking for all of that in relationships that, for the most part, were no-good for me – and were quite compromising in fact – which has been a lifelong pattern to be honest. That’s been kind of my weakness, because I believed I could ‘change them’ and within doing so, create ‘the perfect partner’ IF only they could ‘step up to my standards’ – yep, wanting to change someone or asking someone to change in order to be in a relationship is just a No-go, ever. It’s unacceptable.

Even in the most subtle things where one is compromising oneself to do certain things to please another and knowing within that ‘it is not you,’ I now realize that is just a no-go and a recipe for disaster if one starts compromising with certain things to ‘fit’ into a relationship. 

But that’s something I have only been able to see and realize now where I am with a person that accepts me as I am, even with the worst of the aspects that he also points out about myself. We recognize them and I’ve asked him to assist me when I am showing that worst of myself like the control freakism pattern I’ve shared about before and also whenever my ‘subtle ways’ come out to have him ‘be perfect for me’ type of thing, which is unreasonable and absolutely unacceptable, because it would only be about creating ‘my perfect partner’ and have this ‘perfect robot’ that doesn’t get to challenge me or question me at all. Man, that would be awful, because there is something that I am extremely grateful for which is the feedback and support that my partner provides in being very frank about the stuff that I do, how I do it and how it comes through in a moment, because let’s face it, not many people stand in such position in our lives to do that. In my life it’s been mostly my mother, some of the closest people I talk to from the Desteni community and my partner.

So getting off of my high horse happened while opening up the whole questioning of such reaction to him, where I got to actually realize that yes, I was again being too exigent, projecting ‘my ideals’ and only focusing on ‘how I think things SHOULD be’ and in that, yes, getting reminder that no person will be ‘equal to me’, nor should that ever happen because we are all individuals and part of the actual enjoyment in life is to get to know who we are and how we can decide to interact, live and coexist with a ‘world in itself’ in the shape and life of another human being.

One thing that baffles me as I said above is how much I simply became possessed for a moment about this questioning of a reaction, where I stopped considering the totality of the person and all that he has shown and lived with actions – not just judgments or backchat that he may speak out loud from time to time and yes, it was a frightening reminder of how ‘easy’ it is to fall into this pathological way of thinking where one simply focuses on ‘the worst’ of someone in one single moment and starts piling up stuff that one hadn’t worked with/looked at before and suddenly build up this whole sinister story about someone. It actually reminds me of those Thriller books I used to read as a child, where the story goes fine and dandy and then it gets to the climax where all those details and seemingly subtle points through the story build up to expose this huge problem and sinister case about a murderer or a psychopath etc. lol

I mean, really, I saw how in my mind it can easily go into that if I don’t ground myself in the basics. So that’s how what was supportive for me in that moment is to have a moment for myself to let the emotion out in crying and then realizing ok, yes, this is an emotional reaction though I know emotion and victimizing myself right now is not the way out, not talking about it is not the way out. This needs to be talked through and gotten to a point of understanding because! I already know how we are both quite level headed and there’s really no further problems between us where ‘big’ emotions emerge that could make our dialogues impossible, so that was also a grounding point to know we could simply talk about it and realize the many points that I had missed from my sight, where I went into my ‘high horse’ and create deliberate ‘sugar coatings’ as I explained in a blog about memories before. That way he could see where and how I am having a different idea of ‘how things should be’ that he simply takes as very normal stuff based on ‘who he is’ and ‘how he is’, which he has been and expressed from day 1.

So, in a way I realized I created my own storm, but it was beneficial to talk it out because it assisted me to realize how much I was not focusing on the reality of things, how I was holding on to a polarized version of him and of who he is – as I had mentioned some time ago, seeing him in this positive light only – and also how he had no clue of my relationship to certain words and attitudes and what it meant to me, while for him it was frankly normal stuff that ‘everyone does.’

This is where another aspect of the high-horse character comes through where yes, I realized that I forget that I’ve been learning how my mind operates, questioning, observing and working on myself, my reactions, my habits, changing ways in which I would ‘naturally react’ and re-wire myself on a day to day basis for over 10 years now based on the principles I’ve been learning and applying from the Desteni material.  I do realize that because of how easy it was for me to understand myself with my partner and see that he was quite principled in a natural manner, I kind of created the belief that such principles would expand on to ‘changing’ certain reactions within him, certain ‘traits’ of character… and in that forgetting that nope, having such values/principles as a person does not mean that he is working with the totality of his nature to change it.

In fact it is only now through the relationship that we have, that he is becoming aware of many things that he didn’t even question before about himself and his way of being, because of being quite a ‘man to himself,’ meaning where he only would have to ‘respond’ to himself and not having developed any real deep relationships with any other person that could get him to open up about things that he hadn’t questioned or even seen about himself, and I find that fascinating as well! Because I tend to forget who he is, his personal history, the way he has lived for most of my life and in that compare me and ‘my process’, ‘my ways’ to his and create this sudden ‘nah-uh unacceptable!’ finger-pointing type of haughty attitude to something he had not even seen as ‘a problem’ within him at all. In this I also realized the ‘disconnect’ we can create when not sharing and communicating about the way that each one of us sees certain actions the other does, which is something he has done about me pretty much from the beginning, which has been great because that’s what I wanted, a point of honesty that leads to realizing the ‘worst’ of myself that few had dared to question or point out and now I get to be with someone that won’t take any shit either lol, so we are two very ‘peculiar’ beings so to speak where each one of us has very cemented principles and ways of being that at the same time are learning to create considerations for the other and create a middle ground, which is definitely doable, even if we are both very stubborn at times lol. We totally make it fun to do this kind of things, mostly because we love each other and we realize what it entails to live with another. May sound cheesy but! Omg, it is true! haha

So! to make it simple: the opening of this situation where I was able to get off my high horse, realize I was imposing/projecting my own process to my partner – who is not walking this process or the tools I use for self support – and in that, I was in fact not living the words that I’ve committed to live with any other person, like getting to hear them, to consider them, to place myself in their shoes, to understand they are not yet knowing ‘how’ to deal with their reactions and reminding myself that I can only be an example and share how I’ve walked through similar things myself. I was almost like creating a big deal about it as if it was a person that would already know ‘how’ to use tools like self-forgiveness or being in the path to change those aspects within him. He is not, and this is something that I am also fine with, because in general the person that he is, the words he lives, the way he lives and the challenges he represents for me in my life as well are what I need at the moment.

Something that I’ve realized is that it makes it difficult at times to really get to know How to talk to ‘regular people’ out in the world so to speak, because they don’t speak your same ‘lingo’ as when being with someone that walks this process. Not saying this should be ‘the way’ when it comes to relationships between people that walk the same process or people that walk with someone that doesn’t have the same background, but I find that this is specific for me, because I definitely have realized how much I lost ground and ‘contact’ with reality when being too focused on my personal process and only relating to people that are also walking this process. So, this year has also been a testing ground for me to realize in many ways where I am living only as a ‘preacher’ but not really living what I THINK is common sense, and bam, that’s just what I needed to realize as well. While at the same time also seeing how I’ve been able to change many aspects which surely make my current relationship possible.

Part of the ways to get off of my high horse was to focus and remind myself of all the words that I wrote out about him and the reasons why I decided to be with him, which have proven to be a great pillar of support that I’m quite grateful for. I may sound too laudably, but, that’s the reality based on what has opened up for both in the relationship. It’s quite something and I definitely have to create a flag-point whenever I see myself going into these tunnel-vision points where I lose my ground about something I define as ‘negative’ and ‘unacceptable’ in a very absolutist way. I have to take a moment by myself – which I did then – to slow down, let the emotion out so that I could then sit with him, eye to eye and talk about the whole situation which was one of the moments that definitely strengthened our resolve to be with one another, and this is priceless and definitely recommendable to do, because I got to understand much more about him and consider things that I had completely forgotten about in one single moment of reacting to his reaction.

This is one of the many more reasons why I recommend getting to listen to Eqafe recordings in your day to day, like the ones I mentioned which were definitely spot on and very timely for me to look at how I was stepping into this superiority pattern that was preventing me from SEEING reality and was blinding me with this kind of ‘perfection’ light that is definitely not realistic when we are talking about a relationship with two very real and direct people that don’t hold back about things. If anything, I actually appreciate he is ‘speaking his mind’ even if the things that come out are not ‘angelical’ lol, it’s at least commendable that there’s still people that dare to say: yes this is what I thought and yes this is who I am as well, and yes I know it’s not nice or pretty but never said I was. Because it is true, so many people only fake and paint a nice image of themselves in the first phases of a relationship that lead to the inevitable ‘monstering’ phase as some say here hehe where people show their true colors and so the relationship ends around that time when they start seeing the reality of themselves.

On my side, I have to remember my process, especially when it comes to the ‘standards’ I have created towards ‘my partner’  as if that was this very ‘difficult shoe to fit’ and as I mentioned in my previous blog, it sure is, I’m not an ‘easy person’ for most of the people really, lol, I am quite exigent to myself and so to that person that is closest to me. But fortunately I found someone that also has his personal exigencies very established as well, which is why I guess we get along so well. And even if we differ in many perspectives, ways of seeing or understanding the world or in how we deal with our own problems, I’ve also come to realize that such mental-aspects don’t really matter for me. What really matters is the conviviality, the habits, the livelihood and coexistence with a person that lives with personal integrity. I appreciate more that there is no presentation or attempt to ‘fake’ a certain idea of himself to ‘be liked’ or accepted, because he wasn’t seeking that at all, which have created a very comfortable space for us in the relationship, because no one else gets to see us as ‘we truly are’ and say what we truly think to anyone else.  And her by comfortable I don’t mean, ‘easy’ because it’s not challenging, I’d say it’s the other way around, and it is paving a nice space for me to learn how to best relate to people ‘in the world’ in fact.

To me, this is supportive because he is quite an example that I definitely lacked when being in relationships in the past where my starting point was that of lack of personal appreciation, acceptance, self-worth which would reflect back on the people I would decide to be with. He is definitely the opposite of that, which is an awesome example to also take on, where is not in ‘need’ of a relationship, but sees the mutual benefit of it, he is not in ‘need’ of love because he lives that for himself, and yep to be honest I’m learning more about what it means to love oneself with actions, not just fluffy self-positive thinking. And! sure thing I’ve also been able to create an impact on the relationship he has with himself and his self-care too, so all in all, a very supportive and complementary process.

It is as simple as this: I would not have been able to be in this relationship if I had not worked with my own patterns and usual behaviors in relationships. This is STILL work to do of course, which is also cool when being with someone that has no past relationship history, so for him it’s a whole discovery process in itself that I’m quite happy and fortunate to be a part of.

And that’s how the story ends, where one moment of reacting to ‘character flaws’ and deciding to talk and open it up led to having a very supportive and vulnerable conversation that got me to realize ‘Oh fuck, I did it again!’ with being really inconsiderate of ‘where another is’ and ‘how they see things’ and imposing my own ‘change’ and even ‘my process’, instead of really considering the totality of who he is, the life he’s lived and get to also focus on the words, the actions, he has lived throughout the time we’ve been together.

I hope I didn’t spill too much honey here, hehe, but that’s what opens up within a relationship when transforming a moment of reaction, confronting it, opening it up, discussing, getting to understand each other and create a ‘new’ approach to things, which became another level of depth in the relationship.

 

Ok thanks for reading! And if you want to read a very supportive chat I had with fellow Destonians about this situation I share about here, read this chat transcript: Being in a High Horse: Becoming Aware of It and Looking at Corrections however you’ll have to sign-up to destonians.com to be able to do so, which I recommend because there’s no other group in the world where we dare to be that vulnerable in sharing the ways that we are being challenged and how to support each other to face ourselves and create the best version of ourselves. We always learn from each other.

 

 Getting OFF my high horse

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty 


459. Meditation: What is Missing in it?

There’s a movie I recently watched called ‘Choice’ and it caught my attention because it is about meditation and people promoting its use because it has assisted them so much in their lives. So, the following is going to be my perspective based on the understanding and self-awareness that I’ve walked – meaning tested and proven – when it comes to meditation as a source to achieve some form of lasting and sustainable support in one’s life.

In the movie there were various cases where meditation was implemented by deeply troubled people, including prisoners in Mexico, homeless kids in another state here in Mexico and patients with terminal illnesses like Cancer creating supportive outcomes for them. The way it is presented it makes one totally believe that this is really ‘the key’ – and a particularly easy one – to just ‘breathe oneself’ into stability or calmness and making it look as if it is a cure to one’s problems, which I can only partly agree on.

Here I’d like to focus on what I have become aware of in my previous practice and experience with meditation where there was a part of me that also wanted such peace of mind through simply focusing on breathing or stilling my mind during my everyday reality. Over time I found that there were inevitable moments where I did create reactions toward people;  I tried to every single time keep my cool and ‘meditate’ myself into stilling my mind and reactions, which only worsened the points and it all accumulated into moments of ‘exploding’ in front of that person or situation in a very, shall I say, bad way because I was only trying to suppress my experience with just breathing and calming myself down, while not dealing with the actual cause and source of such experience.

As with most practices and applications I’ve tested throughout my life, I was very keen on focusing on meditation and trying to achieve some ‘higher state of consciousness’ which with my understanding now, it only means getting oneself even more suppressed into the mind which is a system, a consciousness system that is representing in fact not the best part of ourselves, it is in fact a system that exists based on relationships of friction and conflict generating emotions and feelings – in essence energy – that we have accepted and allowed to exist as it does, which is essentially feeding off from the body itself to generate such experiences which means, it exists in ourselves, it’s a part of us that we have to directly face/confront and directly change.

Yet one common mistake we make is trying to ‘shut the mind off’ and dissociate ourselves from our thoughts and calling them off as if they were not a part of ourselves that we have in fact accepted and allowed and Created in our minds! Including as well all of the experiences that we have in our bodies – whether we are aware or not – they are all indicating to us that they are a part of us, our creation, they are here to be recognized, understood to then walk them through a process of acknowledging self-responsibility for experiencing them. We by now all can agree how there are many experiences in our minds that are not supportive to our actual physical living. Because any experience at an energy level – whether positive or negative –will destabilize ourselves, it will cause consequences whenever we are moved by energy and not making effective living decisions based on common sense.

But, what happens when one tries to simply keep the mind shut and focus only on breathing? All of the mind’s information as thoughts, emotions, feelings will only get suppressed through ONLY doing the breathing process. Here what I’ve seen is how there’s really no encouragement of walking a process of developing self-awareness, self-recognition of acknowledging this as a part of ourselves, as something we can actually take direction on and physically change.

Focusing on breathing is I’d say an initial step in being able to develop a physical awareness in relation to ‘seeing the mind’ and not being moved by it or so immersed/lost into it. Though what I found in the documentary/movie is that there was no talk about understanding what those thoughts or emotional experiences expose or signify as a part of ourselves, how we are the creators of such aspects of ourselves and so how we have the responsibility and power/ability to change that through a process of direct self-awareness, using writing and the application of self-forgiveness to recognize who we are as those parts of ourselves that is bothering us, that is causing a consequence in our physical living, that is keeping us bounded and limited to a particular destructive behavior – we all know in ourselves which ones those are, we all have something to improve in our lives, that’s what we can in fact take a more directive role in re-designing if you will.

Because what happens when we only focus on ‘breathing’ and stopping the mind, is that we create a huge void, a huge disconnect when it comes to not actually doing the necessary investigation of those aspects of our minds that we are trying to stop, we are not actively directing ourselves to recognize those experiences as a part of ourselves to understand, acknowledge it so as to redirect or transform that experience into a word that we can live and so assist ourselves with in Creating ourselves – or ‘recreating’ ourselves – into the person, the being, the life that we actually want for ourselves.

What I found through actually taking the time and walking the process to investigate, get to know and deconstruct my mind is that for example, I had in fact anger in me that I had suppressed entirely, in layers and layers of believing that ‘everything is fine’ and believing that I was always ‘ok and fine’ in which I kept myself hiding from what I was in fact experiencing, which I was only to open up and confront through developing self-honesty which means in a nutshell, allowing myself to investigate, see, recognize and day by day work on self-forgiving/taking responsibility for those experiences in me, understanding their ‘reasoning’ behind it and so making direct and self-aware decisions to change those aspects in me, one by one, day by day.

What have been the results of me walking this process? Let’s put it this way, breathing becomes a constant point of self-awareness wherein I can still go observing who I am in my mind, become aware of the movements that emerge in myself based on particular situations I am in – however, based on having walked this process of self forgiveness for some years now, it is easier to embrace those aspects of myself, take responsibility for it and so directively change myself in relation to that. This means that I have become more stable and grounded in my body, in myself, I now know I can be the directive principle of what comes up in my mind and have tools/ways to understand it, sort it out as in creating a solution to change myself in the moment. This is a very active and self-aware process, in which breathing plays a role yes, but only as a constant reference of ‘being physical’ of reminding ourselves to ‘slow down’ – but only slowing down, only focusing on breath does not mean that we are actively changing who we are in thought, word and deed, but mostly only create a quietness that feels good, sure, but is not essentially us stepping in and taking responsibility for ourselves.

 

 

The principle behind this is very simple: when trying to only meditate, the effort is only one breath away, one can just ‘plug out’ with breathing and keep ourselves quiet in our bodies and minds for a while – but this becomes a way to avoid actually and genuinely facing Our creation which is what we’ve become in our minds, our experiences, our bodies and all of its illnesses. What happens when using ONLY meditation is that we are prone to recreate the same problems and origins of what caused us to seek meditation in the first place. Because in physical existence, nothing that we create is ever ‘gone by itself’ or ‘gotten rid of’ just by breathing it – there is a process, a self-aware and conscious process involved in doing this and that’s what I’ve walked through in the Desteni I Process for several years, which is actually a real process of effort, diligence, perseverance, drive and motivation to investigate oneself, all the corners and ‘dark corridors’ as the aspects of ourselves that we are reluctant to see and become aware of – and so take responsibility for.  Because we usually want quick fixes, nice fixes, feel good fixes such as it happens when using only meditation in an attempt to achieve real ‘peace of mind’ or ‘stability’ or ‘enlightenment’ or its various forms in which it is promoted.

Here, I am not saying that breathing is wrong or that it is useless or meditation is bad – nope, I’m being quite specific in saying that ONLY doing meditation in an attempt to genuinely correct/realign oneself to live in a supportive manner is most likely not the best way to go doing so, because of this effect of compounding energies that one suppressed only through breathing, yet one is not actively taking self-responsibility for oneself to deliberately change ‘that nature’ of ourselves that we can recognize is our creation, we have given it power/time/breaths through ourselves, therefore we can change that of ourselves and transform it  into a living word, a new behavior, a new way of ‘thinking’ if you will that is instead supportive for ourselves in our lives.

At Desteni it’s been always explained how breath is essential when it comes to that moment of becoming aware of having an experience, to then BREATHE so as to slow down, come back to our physical body – but this in itself is not the solution, one has to deliberately also investigate what came up within oneself, what did that thought, emotion or feeling represents as a part of oneself that we haven’t looked at/understood and so taken responsibility for, because we are still going to have to face what we have caused in our bodies, the reactions that we’ve triggered and actively deal with them. Like this quote from a Kryon interview on Eqafe.com explains:

 

“For example one can do this breathing, and move all of what one is experiencing within oneself into the chest area, and in the out-breath move it out… but what happens in that is that nothing will move because self is not making the decision to actually in fact move it. So you have to make that decision to move all that is existent within you that is overwhelming. Just breathe it in, into the chest area, make the decision from that moment to really let it go as you breathe out, and just physically move it out. It is like giving yourself an internal beingness-physical massage as the overwhelmingness moves out. This does not mean that the things are gone. Meaning that you are still gonna have to face what it is that created that overwhelmingness in the first place. All that this assists and supports with is to stabilize your beingness in your body so you can have a stable starting point again to face your mind. Because if it is that this in fact released everything, we could have just had all of humanity breathe their minds out. That would have been fantastic but unfortunately we have to face consequence, understand consequence and learn from it. So this is simply a practical physical assistance and support to get yourself to a stable physical point whenever your mind gets overwhelming, and then get back to how it is you got to that overwhelmingness in the first place. This is a similar process with regards to my beingness relationship to movement in terms of actually moving my beingness.”  Kryon – My Existential History – Part 5+6

 

This means that we usually tend to see our consequence – our experiences, our overwhelming emotions and feelings – as something that we want to get away from, ‘heal from’ through various healing and energy therapies, through meditation, through wanting to ‘remove’ our past lives or heal stuff somehow with all kinds of technologies and deceiving mechanisms really, because everything that we are, do and create in this world is etched in our bodies, in our environment and we can’t really get ‘rid of it’ through some external means, it has to be a personal self-aware/conscious process to do so, otherwise we are prone to create quick fixes and seemingly comforting experiences, only to then go back to the same reasons and experiences that led us to seek for those healings and therapies, wherein we then make ourselves dependent on an external source to ‘get rid of our consequence’ – which means here: we are once again abdicating our responsibility in seeking ‘external means and ways’ to have others or something ‘take the burden away from us’/make something ‘heal’ for us…. Isn’t that contradictory?

The bottom line of this process within Desteni is that one realizes one is the creator of it ALL, nothing and no one is really ‘separate’ from ourselves, nothing is really ‘out of our realm of responsibility’ – which means that the least we can do and start with is taking the actual time, dedication and responsibility it takes to walk our minds which means to get to know ourselves, to understand our relationships to energy, to understand why do we react in a ‘negative’ or ‘positive’ manner to certain things in our reality, to actively recognize this that we ‘dislike’ of ourselves or get discomforted by – including illnesses – as Our creation.

So, surely, breathing can be a point of support, it can feel great for a moment to focus on breathing, some 5 minutes a day – without having to ‘seat’ in a particular way or focus on any spiritual imagery – simply breathing and being with the body is definitely one challenge I can share with anyone here because then we will start realizing to what extent we are ‘hooked’ on our minds and experiences that ‘live for us’ instead of us understanding and directing ourselves to live physically, to live ourselves, to decide what to live instead of being moved by energies, fears, experiences of all kinds ‘up there’ in our minds.

Therefore as a complement to what people in this documentary propose and practice, which is breathing/meditation, is to focus on understanding such personal consequence that exists in all that our minds show us exists within ourselves, from the ‘minutest thought’ to the biggest of behavioral patterns and overwhelming experiences – it’s important to understand the ‘mind mechanics’ behind it all so as to not spiritualize or create a belief about what energy is, but physically understand what it is, its source and purpose and the role we have in relation to it: it’s all our creation and taking that responsibility for ourselves is surely one first and primary step to understand who we are, our creation and so recognize the actual power to change ourselves, in a self-aware manner, in a responsible manner, in an act of self-forgiveness which at the same time is a process of recognizing ourselves as the creators of our experiences, our reality, and so consciously and willingly make a decision to create/build/construct the kind of person and life that we want to live and lead as an example of.

Thanks for reading.  

 

Meditation

 

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442. Back To Self: My Current Story

Today I’d like to share some things that I have been realizing for quite some time in relation to the process I’ve walked thus far in terms of, to put it simply, focusing a lot more on what’s happening ‘out there’ as the world, the problems outside of us, investigating and educating myself on how the systems in this world work and who we are as individuals within it all. I’ve spent a fair amount of time researching solutions, alternatives, groups, information, talking to people promoting and creating these solutions, a lot of it having to do with me having this drive to ‘find some way, somehow, to create a solution for humanity, for all the reasons we all know of course.

Here I begin by stating how I see that this is a relevant thing to do for each of us as human beings, to really put our time and effort to learn, educate ourselves on things one won’t ever get taught in schools/universities, like in my case even now getting to know that the people that were set as these ‘great figures’ in literature and art have been essential individuals in precisely creating and configuring also many of the cultural – excuse the word – fuckups we are living in right now, to place it mildly as mind control and behavioral entrainment. This is just one example based on what I studied in school only, though the same applies for all things related to politics, economy, sociology, culture, entertainment, sports… the list goes on, everywhere one can spot the exact same patterns ‘polluting’ the expression of something that we all could be living in this world if we were entirely self-aware and self-directive individuals.

Well, I just made the whole story short right there. For a long time I considered the focus on the ‘internal change’ as something of less importance or rather considering that some were ‘petty’ things or ‘meaningless’ when comparing them to and considering the ‘greater things’ that I conceived to be more relevant in (my) life, like un-convering the truths about money or getting to know who is who in the world of corporate ruling, the ins and outs of corruption in politics and so forth… again I still don’t see this as entirely irrelevant either, but I do see that in my mind I definitely had placed more emphasis on that ‘side’ a lot more while seeing ‘who I am within it,’ but at the same time also expecting that if any ‘real’ solution would emerge in this world, it would be implemented through a new money system, new political system, something ‘new’ or improved version of our current reality imposed ‘from the outside’ which is kind of funny now to see it that way – but hey, it takes also time/space to get to this understanding – of how essentially the world outside of ourselves is as fucked up as each one of us inside is. Surely, won’t apologize for the big words, because that is the stark reality of things in this world. I noticed time and time again whenever one uncovers any ‘solution’ or ‘alternative’ of some kind, or even general information on understanding ‘the problems’ of the world, the same old patterns of blaming some ‘they/them’  arise everywhere, placing this finger onto some kind of greedy/elitist/oligarchy and royal creators of the fuckup – not ever seeing any ‘me’ included in all of that information – and essentially also seeing how getting a little too much information creates this separate entity where one becomes maybe a bit too ‘knowledgeable’ about things, but, how much of it can one directly apply in one’s life today to make our day to day living better? And here I’m talking about very basic considerations like the way we relate with people in our environment, our decisions in what we eat, how we care for our bodies, how we communicate with others…. Etc. Simple ‘day to day’ stuff.

I can only say that through understanding the problems, one can also spot and trace the solutions as I have shared some of that throughout the years in these blogs that were also more related to the world ‘out there’ and I’m grateful that I’ve walked that point too. But more so than ever now, right now,  I am convinced that as much as it is important to continue seeing what changes happen ‘out there’ in politics or economics and so forth, as long as the self, the I, the ‘me’ in all human creations and equations is not changed = nothing will ever truly really change.

I gave to someone the example of how sometimes we focus so much on creating this super nice system ‘out there’ that is like a brand new pair of shoes, very nicely brushed and polished and brand new laces ready to be placed on a pair of feet. But, if that pair of feet has grown completely crooked because of having had an entire lifetime of having no shoes, shifting more to an enlarged proportion because of not ever having such structure – or being somewhat crooked for having no specific support while developing/growth process – then, fitting such shoes will be quite a push, a conflictive situation most likely because as a saying goes in Spanish ‘a  la fuerza ni los zapatos entran’ which means with force, not even the shoes really fit. This brings back to the point of how I was probably expecting this greatly aligned structure or societal system that could suddenly be voted on and implemented to just get ourselves to a ‘better place’ as humanity, surely not as a magic fix but as a starting point… I still can keep this idea as a nice hope if anything, but time and time again and upon seeing the actual process of time/space any change takes, I’ve decided to conclude that of course this won’t happen in my lifetime most likely and even if it does, I’m sure as hell there will be LOTS of work to do to focus on the self, the ‘personal education’ if you want to call it that which is essentially learning how to live as a real human-kindness.

On another aspect upon being myself part of a group and organization that is aiming at doing this at the best way of our ability, it is equally challenging when having the same principles or considerations to entirely put aside any personal patterns/limitations toward one another and individually to make something work, this is just the reality of things and it takes real effort and support from each other to keep standing and walking together, takes a real empathy and consideration each one of us to do so.  At the same time, I’ve seen how some great ideas, groups, political and social movements, associations for world change eventually stumble upon problems, obstacles, inner fights and struggles due to – mostly – personal egos clashing, differences between one another, power trips, greed, righteousness, individualism, resentments, comparisons, envies, control-freakism …. The list really does not end here. Some other problems are not all ‘negative’ but also implying ‘lacks’ like lack of trust with other human beings to create and develop something, lack of proper communication, lack of commitment, lack of considering responsibility in long term, lack of self-respect, lack of care, lack of humbleness, lack of motivation…. And the list also goes on.

So, throughout these past months and upon reflecting this, I realize that we definitely got a massive task at hand when it comes to considering ‘change’ in humanity and this world, and that is precisely starting within ourselves. I have been time and time again investigating things, seeing potentials and then only later on finding out the ‘nitty gritty’ details of some personal dispute in an organization, a lack of commitment, greed, self-sabotage, plain anger, depression, desire for only getting a pleasurable lifestyle being some of the obstacles to make something really work. And this was actually quite cool to see and realize, in spite of what it means in terms of ‘things not working out’, because I then saw how those organizations and solutions that truly work ‘to the T,’ are those that are currently running most of the ways in the world, and every person motivated there is being so because of money, huge profits, huge benefits, ‘great lifestyles’, power, control… yet when something truly implies working on an almost volunteer basis or simply doing what could be considered as ‘giving your time’ to something that is not immediately pleasurable or ‘nice’ in experiential value, it mostly doesn’t work because we simply haven’t learned to prioritize what really matters to be and do in our world.

So, this is how I saw the need to shift my focus and attention Back To Self, back to the very patterns at a mind level which of course become behaviors, patterns, ‘ways’ in which we interact with others and ‘who we are’ within ourselves that is really THE point that we have to turn our heads back to focus on. I enjoy having discussions with my partner about this/that system or solution or proposal here/there that could apparently ‘sort out the world’  and how eventually making it work would really, truly, depend on each one of us to make it work, to live according to the principles intended to be lived/applied in some of these solutions.  Time and time again we just end up saying the exact same words of ‘the lack of self honesty ruins this/that’ or ‘really, it all goes back to ourselves again’ ‘it’s about human nature change!’ or ‘any system will only be as good as the people in it’ wherein it IS human nature that – from my perspective and after all of these years of looking mostly ‘outside’ of myself and creating a form of ‘hope’ in that – we should focus on changing: ourselves.

Remember that saying of ‘be the change you want to see in this world?’ I consider I didn’t entirely get it before, I was more like considering it as in ‘investigate all that you can to find the solution out there, do your part in it!’ which surely, again, it’s cool and honorable as well to care at that level… but over and over again I see the lack of common sensical considerations which are embedded in principles like doing and considering what is best for everyone, considering everyone as equals in living substance, doing, sharing, assisting others as I would like to be shared with, assisted with and done unto, loving/caring for others as I am learning to love/care for myself, to develop effective relationships with those that are in our immediacy, learning how to be a supportive parent, to learn how to become a better person that stands with self-awareness, integrity, self-respect, self-care, self-honesty, dedication, commitment, discipline, humbleness, perseverance and a great determination to truly become an example in this world of what it means to become a living breathing human being.

These are truly ‘great words’ and I surely got a long way to get these words lived as ‘who I am’ meaning as the new ‘nature of me’ I am willing to create for myself – but I will say it until I give my last breath as I learned also from Bernard Poolman: unless we focus on ourselves, to align every bit of our being to stop the ‘sabotage’ or ‘mind patterns’ that exist within us that we reflect on the nature of ‘the outside’ as world system: nothing will ever change. Here it can sound too ‘radical’ for some, but I rather share it than keep it ‘brewing’ in my insides. I rather leave it here as a declaration and statement of where I stand, what I am mostly interested on and so focused on, having in a way gone all around just to get back to this core point, which is cool because now it stands as a proven fact, nor only a statement or theory I got.

Here I’ve also taken my time to write this out because I’ve been deliberately almost wanting to ‘prove myself wrong’ in such declaration, in the sense of wanting to actually find something that truly works because every person is in fact embodying the principles and alignments that are intended as a form of solution or aid for the world. It is hard to find one, dare I say it is non-existent as of yet. Why? Because it is only fairly recently that we have ‘woken up’ from the slumber of being these programs running around seeking self-interest only and caring little to nothing about ‘the world out there’, dare I say even question the kind of ‘motivations’ we use to wake up every day. And even if there’s been people that have spent their lives trying to make a change or have lived in a principled and considerate manner for their entire lives – just as it happened with Jesus – just ‘listening to them’ and seeing how ‘nice’ it all sounds does nothing, because unless one actively ‘gets the point’ and commits to be that living change within oneself, it all becomes futile when it comes to creating a great impact ‘out there’ for a greater change.

Here also I reflect on how it’s a bit funny when I look back at how I wanted to see this kind of change in some form of ‘same movement’ or ‘en masse’ in some kind of sudden and empowering life changing event, lol. Nope! Most likely won’t ever happen like that. Instead it will be this individual process of actual evolution/revolution/change if you will, where each one that decides to ‘get the point’ of what it means to ‘be the change in the world’ will genuinely be and live so by substantiating our day to day lives with words, attitudes, behaviors, ‘ways of being’ toward ourselves and others and everything that we do in a way that we go day by day becoming a better person, in the considerations of the principles mentioned above. This way, I am quite certain, we can truly change the world. Because the more and more people realize what kind of atrocities exist within our minds, in our personal relationships with those around us – yes, those that we are supposed to ‘care for and love for’ but might be struggling to have a decent communication with – are in fact THE problems to focus on and sort out first of all, if we are to ever create a healthy path and way for the coming generations to step in a more self-responsible type of culture and society in general.

What I also like about this approach is that you don’t need to have a particular ‘affiliation’ with anything either, unless you can/want to do so, but it is simply a set of principles and considerations that one can live and apply no matter where you are in the world, how alone or how accompanied you live, what ideologies you may have, what systems or projects you might be involved in = doesn’t matter! These are all universal considerations so that no matter ‘what’ or ‘where’ one is, one can apply these points and be part of the change in this world, just by deciding to make some changes in one’s life and actually doing so.

In this I’ve also proven that one can understand many things about the world out there, trace all problems back to money, which is really the way we have created, accepted and allowed money to exist and behind it lies the rest of the human ways that are in fact the root and cause of the problems in this world, and that is where I realize time and time again the focus should be on as well and in this, doesn’t matter how well one can understand the theory: if we are not really seeing within ourselves the ‘qualities’ that we’ve given to money itself, if we are not seeing ourselves as the origin of the problem and so realizing ourselves as the origin of the solution = it will be quite hard to get us all to the ‘next step’ for this process of self-responsible living change, which is really not only a matter of intellectually realizing it and getting an ‘aha’ realization, it’s an actual challenging day to day ‘doing’ which is where the ‘proof of the pudding’ is… knowing the ingredients and ‘way to make’ is one thing, surely important part but! What matters is really the ‘making’ of it.

It’s good to get informed, get to know the intricacies of our reality, get to know essentially what one has accepted and allowed without any awareness, and to continue to be aware of the actual purposes of most of the stuff we get to see on ‘mainstream’ waves and in our common realities – but I’d recommend to also at the same time do the personal self-check of always tracing those points/patterns that lead to a general human/systemic sabotage back to self, whether they are greed, deception/lies, self-interest, self-indulgence, perversion, dishonesty, laziness, racism, a slave mentality, doing the least effort, seeking personal satisfaction only, despotism, selfishness, fighting, punishing, keeping grudges, comparing…. Etc. all of these points can be traced ‘back to self’ and see well where do I stand in relation to all of these principles, how can I truly stand as a self-responsible individual, how can I also learn to actually live, how can I expand and grow as a person and assist others in doing the same? And when looking at this, I can say that I’ve barely started, which is great! Because then it is all pointed back to myself, I have the key to change these aspects for me by me and within me no matter ‘where I am’ in the world, or ‘what I do’ – this is about changing the nature of who I am in my own personal work, my own day to day living wherein every moment is either an opportunity to change, live and prove a way to better oneself, to become creative in simple things in our lives – or it becomes another day of re-living the past, the tormented mind, the depression, the ‘struggle’ and or the ‘hopeful’ and self-saboteur  character expecting something/somehow to suddenly – faithfully, hopefully – fix the world?

 

For now where I stand is actually probably for the first time in this entire self-support process, focusing more on the ‘me’ here, the ‘little things’ in myself and my personal life and in doing this also extending it to whoever I can and am able to, doing as I would like to be done unto.

For example, I can say I am for the first time developing a supportive relationship. Sounds simple, for some might sound as too selfish or self-interested or losing ‘ground’ when it comes to my previous approach also to this blog, which are in fact my own thoughts of the past too in considering ‘there are more relevant things in life than my petty life’ but! I’ve proven myself wrong: the more I focused on the ‘outside’ or what I perceived as ‘greater’ or perceived ‘more important things’ the more I escaped or avoided myself from looking within and actually facing oneself in a situation such as a relationship where a LOT of patterns, behaviors, selfishness, righteousness, greed, emotional reactions, forms of control can come up and emerge to be faced within oneself, which can either become a nightmare or a ‘blessing’, depending of where one is in one’s personal process as well. And here again tracing the line back to how these same ‘ingrained ways’ have become the ways/methods and the nature of the ‘systems’ that we are currently accepting and allowing ourselves to be ruled and governed by in the outside, well why? Of course because they are human creations! J

I am entirely willing to walk this point and for first time learn to trust myself in a relationship for example, for the first time be willing to challenge ‘my ways’ – which oh boy are they ‘ingrained’ and in all little subtleties or seemingly ‘menial’ things that us human beings tend to simply little by little ‘brush aside’ to focus on ‘the greater’ – and dare to embrace another person in my life and what that in fact means in a dedicated manner.  And this extends to other areas like focusing on developing a supportive relationship with my body, with the people around me, my family, to give the best of myself in my work and the support I can provide to others, to commit to apply myself even in the most ‘routinely’ moments that we don’t question much yet reveal a lot of ‘what is ruling inside us’ as well, to not give into the least effort, but to genuinely see what expression of myself do I want to create today that is beneficial for me and so others as well.

 

Someone may consider or say I am missing the point of walking both points simultaneously, within and without, and surely that’s a great approach, but It would be mostly awesome if that ‘within’ approach is equally emphasized as the outside process that sometimes, might be perceived as the only point that needs change or as a ‘short cut’ for self or personal change, which I consider it will be really difficult to happen unless! It happens and I am entirely proven wrong, which would be actually very awesome at the same time and then I would be able to expand my current perspective. But for now, I simply share here how we/us human beings can end up wrecking up the smartest and best solutions that can exist as a plan/project or ‘on paper’ idea due to not having been in fact living the actual principles embedded within these beneficial ideas… so I place back the finger to us and our human nature to focus on.   

The single decision to do personal changes in our day to day whether it is a particular experience of fears, depressions, anguish, blame, discomfort in ‘one’s own skin’ that one might be facing, an addiction, a lack of will to care for one’s body, a disregard for another in our lives, a ‘bad relationship’ … just by taking this one point and walking it through to a point of change and alignment to what is best for all might take some time, can’t tell ‘how long’ but who cares really!? It is a matter of self-respect to decide to do so, it is the decision to do so and live such decision that which matters the most from my perspective, to not only ‘try’ and give up next day, but actually ‘doing it’ fully with the whole intent of truly becoming ‘a new person’ that can then be the example, the ‘first stone in the flesh’ of creating a new society, a new world where everyone is truly caring and loving each other.

It is for those genuine decisions to gather courage to face the real ‘evil’ within oneself, to get out of one’s comfort zone and commit oneself to change, to focus on ‘bettering oneself’ or ‘working on oneself,’ being diligent in letting go of one’s ‘mind patterns’ or ‘ego’ – for a lack of better word – that I actually take my hat off for, because this is what takes the actual courage and most challenging situations to do, where the actual day to day and moment to moment ‘tests’ exist that truly can change our ‘wood’ so to speak, the nature of what ‘we’re made of’ and have been up to now if we decide so. Doing this would, as a result, be reflected in the world we create, which at the moment and how we stand as ‘creators of our reality’ I am sure you also consider it is a disgrace and a shame to call ourselves the creators of it all.

So, to no longer wallow in all that we know is ‘wrong’ out there and all the corruption, greed and torturous nature of the system out there… I rather ask each one of us to take the finger of blame, anger, discord, apathy and vengefulness back to self and this is where I see that we can all, together, without exception – one by one – genuinely discover all the potential we hold within ourselves, if we just dare to truly focus on ourselves to ‘be the change that we want to see in this world.’

 

Thanks for reading

 

Artwork019

 

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