Here I share an update to my previous blog which will be my personal reflection and reading of a situation like this in the current world we are living in where social media has become in the individual press or medium of communication that enables us to create awareness of basically anything in our world, and at the same time consider the ‘greater scheme’ of how things that will emerge and will be coming through as scandals or online viperous content are also part of a very bumpy – yet necessary – ride to create further awareness of the effect that our actions have upon others, while also learning to discern what is truth and what isn’t based on facts and within that, learning to essentially stand in truth because nothing can distort that, because it is self-evident, and that’s essentially our real freedom, to own and take responsibility of our participation in the co-creation of reality and know ‘who we are’ within it all, so that one can then decide to change the ‘problematic’ actions and attitudes within myself – that’s self-honesty to me.
So, without giving too many details for obvious reasons, I was part of the conciliation process that took place in order to create a form of ‘justice’ to the person that felt aggravated by the actions of other people that were professionally involved with my partner. My partner faced his own ‘charges’ directly with the person that felt aggravated by him. To me it was quite an example of how one can be the living expression of ‘your truth sets you free’ because there was nothing to fear when you know exactly what you did, how you did it and the starting point of it. It took an apology to realize that his actions and words simply had an effect he had not considered could cause a negative reaction in the other person, and that was essentially about it. The whole ‘exacerbation’ of the situation essentially deflated when he decided to talk to the person face to face and clarify the situation. This involved the acknowledgement of making mistakes and how we can learn from it, how to change from now on.
The ability to come to an agreement exists when people are placed face to face to talk things out without having the ‘he/she said this/that’ over social media gossip only. The whole thing changes when you are there talking to the person that created a certain image of you online and start laying out the facts, recognize the mistakes, ask for forgiveness and move forward to create a peace arrangement, recognizing the responsibility on the ‘aggravator’ side in this case.
I personally tried to share the concept of shared responsibility where it always takes ‘two to tango’ in any situation, and how the person remained in such work relationship by their own choice. I was vehemently ‘shut down’ with my remark, because the whole set up was of having a victimhood and aggressor type of polarity in the conversation. This is one of those moments where I realized there was no opening to this kind of concepts when you have emotionally ‘enraged’ people and certain laws being used to treat a point of awareness of responsibility as ‘adding fuel to the fire.’ I had to keep quiet after that realizing I could stir up more conflict in a situation where conciliation was aimed to be made.
Here I’ll be sharing my perspectives on what I’ve observed not only first hand from this situation, but also in the context of what’s going on in the world in the realm of ‘political correctness’ and all of these attempts to ‘make people pay’ for past situations where people that felt aggravated didn’t speak up – or where people are currently taking offense much easier than before, where even now trying to make a simple joke can give you labels of the worst kind, where even mentioning a word has led people to lose their jobs as CEO’s of big corporations, comics have been kicked out of colleges for ‘telling the wrong jokes,’ and world leaders are being a constant source of internet bullying because of not providing a ‘politically correct’ view of people… and the list goes infamously on. That simply shows ‘where we are’ as humanity, that’s our current mirror.
I’ve mostly been observing and seeing what the ‘climate’ of all of these accusations, ‘revelations’ and ‘me too’ movements have created and have become. Each person has the ability to use their words and the media of their choice to say what they feel they ‘have a right’ to say. The problem is we don’t consider our responsibility in it all and the way that we affect each other, and at the same time how to learn and realize that no one can make you feel bad, feel less, feel down, feel offended unless one allows it or unless one ‘identifies’ with certain ‘label’ or word that may trigger an emotional reaction in us. That is part of this process as well where I’ve learned to see where and how I used to identify with certain judgments – essentially standing as Self-Judgment – and from there realize that any reaction I get from anyone ‘calling me that’ is simply because I accept and allow such word and a reaction to it to exist within me. I know it sounds difficult to do, but it’s work that’s worth doing for the sake of personal growth and change.
Currently writing or saying something about ‘taking responsibility’ on the side of the ‘offended’ one becomes outrageous in a climate like the one we are living ‘out there’ where people are deciding it’s quite easy to accuse and become a victim – and in that blindly supporting the victims – which is why the world is becoming the kind of ‘you said he said’ circus of misinformation and gossip that are dividing people more and more.
It seems ‘easier’ for some to not create any form of awareness of responsibility or perhaps not even deciding to consider it because it basically would destroy every single accusation or offense claim done, because one would realize ‘whatever I feel or experience from these words, I create within me, no one else can get inside my head to cause me to feel bad about it.’ But these seem to be still ‘superhero’ concepts as in them being ‘out of reach’ of any regular human being, when they are not, we are doing it as well in this process at Desteni. This doesn’t mean that some people may in fact want to inflict abuse, harm or extortion on others, that definitely does exist as well, but then it takes us to another reading, to understand how a person came to be the kind that would want to deliberately harm, abuse or vex others. That is also something that can be understood to take responsibility – as in assisting to change it within self – and forgive it, not taking it personally and creating more problems about it. Sometimes simply talking to the person to know ‘who they are’ leads us to understand why they do certain things, and this also assists in realizing one cannot take personally others’ wrongdoings either. But this is also part of this process where one willingly decides to live the word Understanding, rather than going through the seemingly ‘easy’ path of blame and victimhood.
So unless the person is devoid of all of their mental and physical capacity to think for themselves, every single person that stands in any form of victimhood needs to assess this first point of responsibility: how did I come to create, accept and allow this in my life and reality? What kind of steps, decisions and choices did I make to get to where I am currently? This is one of the main things that have made me a ‘freer’ person. I’ve written in countless blogs how I used to stand in blame towards every single human – hypothetically speaking – for ‘how fucked up we are as humanity’ and how I saw no way out other than completely ignoring the world – well, trying to – but ending up with a very pessimistic and nihilistic view about life and of any future for ourselves. This led me to feel anger, resentment and feel completely disempowered to change anything, because I kept blaming the world system, ‘those in power,’ those that apparently made all the ‘wrong choices’ that affected my life and those around me.
Deciding to step outside of victimhood and blame is genuinely empowering and this was only possible due to studying the Eqafe.com material where I truly got to understand the ‘greater’ picture, and I mean ‘greater’ as in existential-level greater, where I got to grasp that any form of abuse is always Self-Abuse, because we are all in fact one and equal, and this is not in the nice and fluffy sense that some aspects of spirituality or religion portray, but this is at a matter level, where we are truly one and the same, we have just separated ourselves into oblivion, not only as individuals, but even within ourselves where we have our mind, our being and our body separated ‘within ourselves’ which is why we don’t realize what we were – and have been – doing ‘it’ to ourselves all along, which is self-evident now that we witness the truth and reality we are in.
Even though a lot of ‘shit’ seems to be hitting the fan, and cans of worms seem to be opening up everywhere – which is something we also knew would Have to happen in order for the old to go and the new to emerge – there are also great things happening in the realm of ‘waking up’ and taking more responsibility and creating more awareness of who we really are, and that’s also why some events are causing the scandals we are now seeing in the media or on social media every single day, people coming up with past stuff to blame people and in a way believe that it is that way to create any form of solution to the problems, when it is genuinely not and it is causing much more harm, violence, defamation and unnecessary paranoia around it. However all in all, it does serve as a point of awareness to the kind of abuses, harm, violations to life that exist which are things that have been kept ‘inside’ each person throughout human history.
We just now happen to have things like Facebook, Twitter and other places where each one can share themselves to whichever intent. But in all of such expressions of accusations, I haven’t yet read or seen one single person admitting to have placed themselves in such positions to be on the ‘receiving’ end of any form of abuse. And it is rare at the same time to find people that assume full responsibility for their aggravations without fear, understanding the situation and committing to change themselves for the best. I personally am fond of my partner for being one of them and serves as a great example of how things can be sorted with self responsibility, and how there’s nothing to fear when you know exactly ‘what you did’ and why you did it.
As a side note, it was also interesting to see how a publication with ‘scandalous’ content got shared thousands of times and commented on endlessly, while another publication with a signed agreement of conciliation of peace between the involved parties got only ‘a few likes’ and a few comments of approval. It does reveal a lot ‘where we are’ as a society and this has saddened some of my friends, but, I stick to the point of seeing the greater picture of not taking it personally but move on with the solutions as planned, because I know that falling into despair is just another outflow of reaction that leads nowhere but personal disempowerment, thus, we need to acknowledge, understand and move on standing clear on it, even being willing to support others that may be affected by similar situations which is something that I am open to do as well.
I initially also felt limited or ‘violated’ in my right to speak about shared responsibility in such conciliation process, because I was essentially told to ‘shut up’ or I could aggravate the situation. That’s a moment where I had to see my reaction coming up and decide to slow down and take one step back, breathe and realize that there are and possibly will be situations where the actual truth of the facts cannot be fully embraced or even mentioned, because there are factions that are completely entrenched in a sense of entitlement that prevents them from hearing any form of common sensical approach to a situation such as where the two parts are considered as co-creators of a situation. It was baffling to me, but in that moment I realized that I could indeed do more harm than ‘good’ by trying to ‘create awareness’ about something that could destroy a ‘conciliatory’ process in the making. What I did instead after the whole more ‘serious’ part of the conciliatory process was done is to extend a hand of support for the person that was aggravated, to share how I do this as part of my living and how I am interested in people’s wellbeing regardless of anything. So that’s where I decided to stand in relation to ‘the other side’ for the sake of giving a name here, it was my way of living forgiveness in that simple moment as well.
This I share as well as a cautionary tale, where one needs to learn how to read the matrix so to speak, the context of the situation, the political and social ideas behind these kind of accusations, the laws and how the people on the victim-stance are expressing – such as if they are enraged, angry, nervous, etc. Because then it is my responsibility to know that saying something can ‘detonate’ them further on, so that’s where I have to take that step further and not step on my ‘high horse’ so to speak, which could have caused more conflict. It is also well known that our current legal frameworks do not cater common sense or the consideration of shared responsibility. It is a polarized system where the only sense of ‘justice’ that exists is placing someone in jail or sending them to death penalty or asking them for money as a form of conciliation. That is of course only handling consequences….
But how about creating spaces to genuinely converse and admit the simple fact of ‘it takes two to tango’ and assist both or more parties to step outside of the disempowerment of victimhood and offender – that in fact attracts more dissent, polarization, violence and rage – and in doing so, assume a more responsible and wholesome stance where each person involved is assisted to recognize their participation in the co-creation of the situation, to understand the mental processes that led to the creation of ‘the problem’ and from there create a conciliatory process where one can understand the other and commit to a process of learning from the mistakes to change such habits, attitudes, actions or ways of being in order to prevent further mistakes and so further problems or accusations. That’s living forgiveness and that is not currently in any legal framework to my awareness.
In a way it is sad that one cannot say such things in the moment, because based on the situation where there’s almost like a victimhood standoff, it is almost impossible to hear any form of shared-responsibility concept. But there I said it, perhaps I planted a seed of awareness, perhaps not. But at least I didn’t keep quiet about it, couldn’t say all of what I’m writing here today and that’s also how I see the importance of using the tools we have of sharing ourselves, of creating blogs, sharing our perspectives within self-responsibility. Here I am making the best that I can to ensure that my words stand as a perspective that is geared to support ourselves as human beings – not taking any sides here – to face conflict, to prevent conflict, to handle conflictive situations in a way that can honor each other and ultimately life itself.
This is how I see we need tools of support at a legal level so that the labels of ‘the victim’ and the ‘perpetrator’ are removed for a moment to look at where each one stands and how the situation came to be, so that there is an awareness creation of each other’s participation in the event, and so create a mutual process of real reformation if you will, which doesn’t come with a sense of vengeance or punishment or ‘compensation for the damage done’, but in the intent of actual change and restoration of the individual, for any ‘other’ is also ‘us’ that have gone astray in one way or another, they are also the product and result of the whole society/world we have co-created.
And this is why blame is lame as they say, it prevents us from acknowledging that we have all created the world as is, we have all been co-creators all the way, we have just blindly and comfortably forgotten, and that is what’s currently being used with greater force in certain factions or groups that create an identity point based sexual preferences, gender, race, nationality, ideology, political inclinations, religions, all kinds of paraphilias and the list goes unfortunately on, missing out the fact of how any form of label/tag divides and conquers us further. It truly saddens me to see how we have separated ourselves from the basic humanity that we all are, devoid of creeds, beliefs, postures, colors, dogmas. It is indeed sad undoubtedly how much ‘shit’ we can talk about one another, how easily we can attack and blame and not even care to investigate the facts. I’ve been there myself as well and can’t claim innocence at all in the past, but I’ve been committing myself to change that within this process for the past 11 years. Sometimes learning the tough way is what we need, a huge ‘wake up call’ to see how we are participating with each other person in this world.
At the time, it seems things are ‘getting out of hand’ in the world where virtually any wrong word may get you on the spotlight and be labeled as the worst of the worst…. We are on a learning curve as well on how to best make use of this current notion of ‘free speech’ and the ability we have to publish whatever we want. I believe it is only our truth that can set us free, and that truth doesn’t mean always doing things ‘right’ or ‘correctly,’ but it also means being able to stand in the front of the person and the totality of the world and explain ourselves, recognize the facts, the context, explain the wrongdoings and commit to change, to live forgiveness, for that is a far more valuable act and a much less ‘explosive’ than going through social media asking for revenge or simple slander to defame others and causing multiple effects that at times we have no consideration for, because we see it as ‘part of the consequences,’ but I see it now as another source of conflict even for people that haven’t been personally involved in the events.
This is also another rather ‘disastrous’ process that sure, can break us further apart, but in the cases that we do care to assist each other to ‘open eyes,’ we can take the time to share our perspectives on a controversial topic or situation like this to present a more common sensical approach to things, to learn to read things properly, to not take immediate ‘sides’ to a story and to formulate a personal stance in relation to all things that we may become aware of in the world. Doing this can in fact make us grow as humanity, but remaining divided – and so conquered – only adds up to the plethora of problems we have to sort out.
Based on the situation I explained in my previous blog, I became aware of people that came in contact with the information and created a conflict with one another for not agreeing on how things were taken by each. This is also part of seeing each others’ ‘truth’ if you will, it will disrupt the way that we believed we liked or agreed with each other to reveal the truth of who we are and yes, that’s part of discovering self-honesty too, it is not nice, it is not pretty, it will be something quite radical and may seem polarizing and disruptive, but it’s part of the necessary ‘opening’ of the cans of worms as I see it, where only – once again – one’s truth will set ourselves free. Actually if one stands clear within oneself, there is nothing to fear, and this is the way to debunk any claims of wrongdoings that one is certain one hasn’t done. IF one has, then, sure, there we go! It sure is time to step up and assume responsibility and commit to changing what one has done and focus on how to stop recreating the same in the present and in the future, because it is what’s best for all, it will prevent further harm, abuse or offense towards others.
Something that I also see is happening is a sense of false empowerment when accusing others, and this is also something that can only happen if there’s no acknowledgement of shared responsibility. I’ve been there and done that in the past as well where, as I’ve shared countless of times in this blog throughout the past years how I used to ‘rejoice’ in speaking shit – sorry but that’s what it is – about governments, and the ‘elites’ I thought were to blame for everything going wrong in this world, about religious leaders and organized religions, and basically anyone else I judged as evil and wrong in my previous mindset, the one I had before starting this process of self-awareness with Desteni and the mindset I AM still working with whenever it rears its head within me day to day.
I cannot be any more grateful for the ability that I have now to recognize my co-creation and co-responsibility in the creation of this world, our lives, our bodies as they are. It has assisted me to change the very fiber of my being that used to stand in that sense of ‘entitlement’ to feel like a victim, believing I was ‘empowering’ myself by pointing fingers at others, never realizing that in blame and in that position of victimhood I was in fact the most disempowered, I actually felt the most miserable because I thought that punishment and ‘bringing others down’ was the only way to create any restoration of justice. I was in fact recreating the same problems I was complaining about in this world, I was wishing ‘the end’ of those I believed to be the problem. I never realizing I was ‘digging my own grave’ as they say here, I was doing it all to myself.
Walking the Desteni process and the Eqafe self-support material have enabled me to recognize the actual obstacle that blame and victimhood are, and so rather realize the potential and the actual power/capacity I have to focus on changing me, in stopping blaming others and feeling like a victim, to owning my thoughts, words and deeds, to be willing to recognize my participation in the ‘fucked up’ reality we live in and realize that the one true power I hold is to change ME, and that seeking revenge or ‘justice’ as punishment would truly get us nowhere as humanity but further down the downward spiral.
I have realized that I have to be the change, and stop focusing on pointing fingers at others, because that was causing more harm in my body, it was in fact like an ‘anger’ sickness that made me depressed and hopeless and yes, it has taken quite some time to change it, but every single moment I decide to stand in understanding of a situation within this consideration of who we are in our minds, the consequences we’ve created as a society, the role that each one of us has in creating the outflows we face and no longer taking a unilateral approach to things that I face in my life has been like healing a long lasting ‘wound’ of ‘feeling empowered’ when blaming others and believing that ‘that was the solution.’
Again, it’s not, but it also takes courage and a process to stand in self-honesty, to dare to see who we are, who we have become, to own our choices and decisions made that have taken us to walk through every single aspect of our lives, no matter how ‘fortuitous’ they may seem, if we are experiencing them, then we can own our responsibility in it, which simply means to respond, to own our actions, to be aware of the situations we might possibly create if we act or speak certain words – and to always consider what is best for all involved, to learn to do others as we would like to be done onto, to consider ‘the other’ as myself.
These are key principles that even in the face of moments where I believe that I am being ‘limited’ in my expression about something I believe ‘makes sense and is right’, assist me to take the ‘next step’ which is to read the situation in its current stance, to understand that some people are not yet at that position where they can be willing themselves to understand co-creation yet, to consider that for some people might take longer to understand a more holistic approach to any form of problem creation. To consider as well how blinded we can become by our own emotions or characters we take on that we believe empower us, and can’t see the reality of how they are in fact disempowering us. Within such understanding of ‘where each other is at’ in their lives, it makes it easier to let go of wanting someone to understand something that they simply might not be ready or willing to acknowledge yet, and that’s where I remind myself of my only true power as well: to be an example of how to best handle the situations, how to stand in the face of conflict, how to take responsibility but not ‘enforce’ change or certain ways on others.
Here is also where trusting myself and trusting life comes in. At times I’ve seen how I can be quite pushy in wanting others to understand something that I see ‘benefits them/everyone involved’ and how this can cause further reactions and realize that such reactions are an indication that there is no ‘opening’ yet in the other person to see what I am seeing/saying. It also might mean that I’m ‘reading’ the situation completely wrong and that I need my own words and actions to be cross-referenced, because they can be in fact out of place and not clear. The reactions also allow me to read ‘where a person is at’ and also see myself in it, to see what still ‘disturbs me’ so that I can work with it and in so, seeing what I haven’t yet forgiven as my own experience, as my own creation. Doing that enables me to ‘move’ as in speak, act, direct accordingly.
I’ve met people in my life, including one of the persons that I’m grateful for has created the opportunity to create this moment of conciliation, that in an almost instant manner we could see that we were ‘on the same page’ so to speak in the reading of the events and the greater scheme of how these things are going on in the world. This is actually quite cool because! It gives me hope in humanity to find people like that. I can also say this of a person that I met in the most seemingly fortuitous situation and eventually realized how ‘aligned’ we are in order to work together in a project and basically be on the same page about how we view ourselves, our lives and the potential we see in people. That is also another example of how upon communicating and learning to ‘read’ people through their responses I’ve been able to establish relationships with people that I know ‘are there’ in this world and are doing ‘their thing’ and in their own way yet within the same principles.
That’s comforting because, as crazy as it may seem, it is hard at times to walk this process at the level we do within Desteni and at times one feels a bit isolated, as if ‘no one else’ could see and understand things the way we do. Thus it has been comforting to find people that do see life/things in a very similar way and how it IS possible to create that understanding and common ground no matter what their ‘background’ is; it’s a confirmation that life and living principles stand on their own, no matter what ‘road’ you take to get to them, and that’s awesome and it is actually cool to know people like that outside of the group that I know and am aware of are people walking this same process with me – even if living in very distant countries. I am also glad that ‘they are here’ and walking with, even if not ‘in my environment’ at the moment, but always ‘there’ in the virtual world, which is something I am also very grateful for in times that may seem difficult and we need to reach out for support.
Ultimately what matters to me is to go establishing connections with the people that do care, that have eyes, ears and a body ready for the new living reality that we need to co-create, and this is something that ‘comes to the surface’ even from ‘unfortunate’ or bitter events like this one.
I share this because it is also a comforting point for me, to know that besides what may seem like ‘the worst of the words’ surfacing on our ‘daily feeds’ and knocking at our doors, there is something actually way extraordinary to be living for. For me it is a way to keep connecting and meeting people that are taking these steps ‘forward’ in their life, while it also reminds me of the necessity that I have to keep sharing, to not ‘back down’ and become a silent vigilant of the things that are going on in this world.
To sum up, as ‘atrocious’ as it may seem for many, these cans of worms are here for a reason and they sure may lead to temporary conflict and polarizations, but eventually out of all crisis there comes an opportunity for recreation, reinvention, and reconstruction – this is what I’m here for. To learn how to stand in the eye of the storms, to strengthen my resolve, to know that my truth will set me free, to be grateful for those that I can relate to and know that are also ‘here’ on track with the new path for life in this world of which I have vehemently decided to be a part of, because my intent has always been to ‘change the world,’ and from there I went from being ‘angry’ at the world for not changing and blaming everything and everyone around me – lol – to externalizing that eagerness to see ‘world changes out there’ to now internalizing, focusing on my own self-change which start in how to handle situations like this and then spreading some seeds again with others that may be ready to read and listen and share back how they see things themselves.
Once again I would not have this kind of resolve or ‘greater picture’ approach without the support of all things related to Desteni and the Eqafe Eqafe self-supportive material, which I have now integrated in my own skin as a new way to live and approach life. It also allows me to understand the greater ‘cataclysms’ that are taking place and ‘will’ most likely continue to take place in this world where everything will seem really ‘bad’ and consequential and chaotic, but here is where I remind myself and anyone else reading: there’s more to it than what meets the eye.
The best thing to do is to create Understanding, to not take things personal, to not only ‘react’ emotionally to things, to learn to discern, to learn to look back within ourselves and making an informed decision of where we stand about something before ‘spewing’ words about something or someone. To learn to let go and forgive people and situations where one can see that it’s only consequences playing out that one cannot immediately change and can only conciliate in the ‘best way’ that is doable in certain contexts.
What matters, as I said in my previous blog, is who we are in the face of conflict, in the face of admitting our faults, mistakes, falls, it is about learning to forgive ourselves and at times assisting others to do that for themselves if this is not yet considered as part of the solution, which is not limited to simply forgiving and letting go, but comes hand in hand with the commitment to change, to grow, to develop new ways of being now that one sees that the ‘previous ways’ were causing harm or detrimental effects on others. This is to me the real way to create peace, calm and conciliation.
This is our learning curve at the moment, it may seem out of hand, it may seem extreme, but again: owning one’s deeds, taking responsibility, learning to assume the co-creation roles we have in this reality and live the correction of the problematic actions will set us free and will benefit each other substantially. That’s real change, that’s real responsibility to me and that’s a supportive use of moments of conflict, problems and crisis, to be of support in those moments to walk through them the best way that we can, for ourselves and for all parties involved.
Thanks for reading
And once you’re in, you can access these awesome recordings from which I got the concept of shared responsibility here:
Videos by Sunette Spies for Self and Living:
EQAFE.Com : SELF Education and SELF Awareness Store
7 Year Journey To Life Process : People Sharing their Processes of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction
Desteni Forum : Discuss and share with us