It’s 2021 already and many months have gone by since my last written update on how motherhood is going. I’ll explain why it has taken this long because I owe it to myself since I’ve been having this blog as a self recording public process space since 2008, it virtually holds all relevant details of my life and this process of essential change, but for several months my oh so comfortable rug underneath me was suddenly lifted and I had to figure out what the hell was going on in the world while at the same time I was fitting my new shoes as a mother and finding out that the “far away” crazy lockdowns in china were suddenly going to become our reality…. Then everyone going paranoid about the possible harms – Including myself of course – and having to now step up in this new living role while the world had gone absolute bunkers. It wasn’t easy, nope. It was quite the timing I would say to give birth and then suddenly as I was immersing myself in this whole motherhood thing, stuff in the world also grabbed my attention and, being who and how I am, I couldn’t just ignore it and sink into my own newborn bubble.
Looking back I like saying that this is all a blessing in disguise to all of us, a very much needed shake up to wake up to own who we really are. But, I will stick to the topic at hand and so, the story begins.
After my last blog where I shared about the first three months after giving birth, I went into a spiraling experience with regards to what was going on in the world with the whole covid crisis and trying to make sense of where we were and where this all was heading to. This is also a disclaimer on how some of my views here may not yet entirely be balanced out into an equilibrium of testing things out and sharing proven results from it. I will be sharing about decisions I’ve made based on my investigation – knowledge and information – yet, I decided to write about it here because, if anything it may at least open up someone to consider more beyond what may go usually unquestioned when it comes to the medical establishment and what it has deemed as “care” for newborns and babies.
Many of our decisions and choices as new parents are based on fear or plain compliance to the norm. Part of my responsibility as a mother now is that I had to make informed decisions based on some of the – now in looking back at it – rather ‘usual societal pressures’ on supposed-health-care, such as constant visits to the doctor and getting babies inoculated with aluminum, mercury, animal dead tissues and so called inert “viruses” – read poisons- to apparently develop my daughter’s immune system because… everyone does it and doctors say so. Well, this simple question of “are we going to do vaccines?” Led me to an extensive research that crossed paths with the then ongoing speculation about the covid vaccine and it’s possible harms.
A disclosure here: I understand some parents have zero problems with following the vaccination schedule and their doctor’s orders and may disagree with what I have to say
It’s ok, not everyone will or has to follow this path yet it is my will to share about it since that is part of my living principles of doing what I can see and test to be best for all. Yet, I’m also aware of the social engineering process that has taken place for almost a century to prep people into never questioning what certain authorities sell as “safe and effective” measures for health and especially on newborns.
I will express however, how I can understand If someone else thinks otherwise. I’m no authority on any of these topics and I’m sharing about it because this is an important path in my journey to life, to make informed decisions in a way I can test out to see if that is indeed what I see is best and own that decision regardless of the outcomes, that’s just how I roll. If I find something that may prevent unnecessary shit in someone else’s life, I’ll talk about it and this is one of those things.
Enough with the apologies though!
I consider there is a way where we can step outside of name calling each other “conspiracy theorists” or “sheeple” and come together with common sense to investigate some facts about such proposed “medicine” and decide to walk a certain path to see whether those facts correlate to what’s supportive for an infant’s health or not. You know? Like real science used to do before covid1984.
I am aware that deciding to not vaccinate our child sounds like experimenting with someone else’s health or even sound irresponsible to some – and that’s why I’ve taken my time to know what I was getting myself into by taking “an alternative path” of not vaccinating and being able to own that decision in whichever way that choice plays out, which for now I’m quite settled with as the best option.
My partner is fully vaccinated and he is probably the healthiest person I’ve known at a physical level, though there are some indices of him not being neurotypical and even if he doesn’t link that to vaccines, I reserve my ability to have a different view based on the research I’ve been doing on this subject. I have had some vaccines too and I’m alright – apparently – even though I have started to consider upon research how some chronic experiences having to do with throat and tonsils since I was a child may as well be related to vaccine injury. This is all conjecture but worth considering when it comes to the path we chose and that I am quite certain by now is the best and how the whole vaccination process is completely unnecessary and formulated within a paradigm that will soon be obsolete: germ theory.
I also understand that part of my “patterns” is to try to save others from walking through tough consequences or “preventing them from evil” type of thing and, that came up quite wildly towards my relatives these past months, until I finally realized I was trying to play savior with “my side of the story” which in fact, yes, stands as a polarity of what’s currently being embraced as truth by the majority of people with regards to the mainstream narrative around the virus and what not. I can also absolutely understand how I might be wrong and playing just the other side of the coin here and not seeing both sides equally, though for now this is my path, my understanding and it seems I will walk this as part of my self honesty and self creation, I including now the responsibility I have towards my child’s wellbeing.
See, I am aware how many of these points are hot topics that may contribute to the already ongoing polarization, but I’d like to consider there is a way to Still make informed choices and walk that talk in a self responsible manner without necessarily advertising it or trying to “convert” others to do the same, which I admit I do have a tendency to do and surely, that makes me another dictator just like the people we are currently “blaming” as the sources of imposing these limiting and nefarious measures, Not realizing that! They are us as well, we are all equally responsible for what’s here right now unfolding on Earth and I have no plans to try and “escape it” since many things might become inevitable and dare I say rather Necessary consequences for us to realize what the heck we have accepted and allowed our reality to become through our tacit or explicit consent.
Having said all this, there is also a necessary constant check of this current stance I’m taking and not making myself feel like “I know better” or “I’m superior” because of it, I’ve done that before within this process and surely, it has led me to plain isolation and alienation from others. I do see I have yet to moderate myself on these aspects and that it is Very easy to fall into the righteousness trap in relation to having a 1certain “position” around this.
Here words like consideration for others and humbleness to understand ‘where others are at’ are necessary, and this is where I see my Achilles heel exists. Even my partner has explained several times how I’m just playing the exact opposite of what mainstream says and as such, I’m no different to that which I am criticizing and saying No to. And it is so, I can understand that view as well, but I still won’t be “doing as I must” when I am aware those are not best for all rules or decisions.
But! Haven’t we all done that anyways, always? Without a question? Yep! How about not questioning how money works and how poverty and starvation and disease are an Inside job and how we all could change it if we could agree to do so? Yet we haven’t and we keep complying to the value of our made out of thin air money and believe in its “almost divine” source as unique and not ever even flicker to consider things could be different for everyone. Yep! I have and still am doing that. It just happens that currently these – to me- absurd measures are now on our face quite literally and the rest of our acceptances and allowances are just an ever permeating seemingly dormant set of beliefs and interests we don’t really ever question.
This means that we had to get ourselves to this point, a breaking point as humanity to precisely wake up from slumber and perhaps that discomfort of not getting enough oxygen by wearing a mask for several hours a day, makes us question everything we have believed as “authority ” or “truth” or “right” throughout our entire “lives” – I hope so, in any case, this is not all in vain.
Well, looking back I’m grateful that opened up because it got me to understand a lot more about what we generally call viruses, the falsehood of germ theory and got to understand terrain or cellular theory, which actually makes a lot more sense since it places health as a self responsible act of creating wellbeing in one’s body, rather than falling into the current madness where people are believing that some invisible attackers are going to kill us or cause disease = there is zero self responsibility in such paradigm and that is why people indulging in wearing masks (within the belief of feeling protected from a virus while neglecting focusing on creating real health in their mind and body) are losing the sense of real responsibility in their lives, because of not understanding the greater plot of this all and just following the norms. To me, ignorance nowadays is a choice. Most people has a computer in their pockets and information on this abounds in the internet, yes, even if censorship is also rampant.
I won’t go into explaining all details or sources to what I just wrote above here, but anyone Interested is welcome to contact me to provide study material to understand what I’m merely describing in very general terms here.
Getting to understand and cross reference this all took me months – including seeing in real time my child’s first year alive – and they ran parallel to some rather uncomfortable months when it came to settling in with becoming a mother. In fact, I did probably get so absorbed by wanting to understand it all that I neglected my child. That is something I am ashamed of admitting but, it is the only way I can also get to confront myself and my priorities and decide to change that as a self honesty point in my life. What kind of neglect? It’s not that I didn’t feed her or attend her basic needs, but I was certainly disconnected from her, not really PRESENT which is something I had ‘tried’ working on during the first three months. I won’t be hard on myself though, as soon as I finished my postpartum quarantine, the world quarantine began and suddenly the world changed in a way I didn’t expect it would and as fast as it did. I was trying to make sense of the madness and I now know many others went through a similar experience, mostly people like me that want to keep abreast of world events and already know some of the plans laid out for humanity as a whole.
I share this is not to justify my lack of presence though, I would get too imbued into the searching and getting to ‘connect the dots’ that even if I was with her all the time, I wasn’t really Fully with her, I was processing and considering where it all was going to, and I also started understanding a whole new paradigm when it comes to health etc. Which was awesome by the way, since I had a tendency to ‘fear germs’ and with having a baby there’s this whole notion of having to ‘sanitize’ and ‘disinfect’ and ‘sterilize’ everything she eats from and touches on lol, so, by ditching that idea upon understanding terrain theory, I definitely liberated myself from that kind of ‘passed on’ information from previous generations which would have certainly added some extra paranoia upon the existing global one. The results? After a year of her life, she is perfectly fine!
But, I kept wanting to understand what was going on in the world and in the medical realm as a life or death thing – which in a way it is. I still had the benefit of her father being at home since this opened up during month 3 to around 7 of my child’s life that I zoomed into this whole information web and made it my focal point of attention. Yep, went through lots of info on several fronts from medical, to global politics, spirituality and re reading some of the Desteni material and audios on the topic, such as the viruses ones.
The outcome of that? Prolonging my process of actually settling in with doing what I’m now here to do which is to take care and support my daughter in all ways: Be a mother.
How did that go? I will not sugar coat it. I didn’t really develop a genuine or dare I say “natural” sense of what people can define as “love” for her until around her 6th month. Everything before that was a mere creation of habits and integrating care and attention towards her in practical terms. It is ok, I don’t judge the fact that I didn’t instantly “felt love” towards my daughter in the way I have known and seen – or was told – other mothers did or felt. I even recall my mother after many months saying ‘It’s the first time I see you smile.’ I did judge myself for this and have explained a bit of this in my previous blog. To me it makes sense that it took time to get used to her, to know her, to have a new being in our relationship and getting used to redefining “my life” now as a mother, yep, letting go of my old life and really settling in doing that extremely important job in the world and one that I feared the most: becoming a mother.
After her first 6 months, I started to experience more of what many might call “love” as a feeling, but to me it is more like me being able to enjoy more of my expression with her and towards her and this didn’t come easy at first as I’ve just mentioned. I just didn’t have that program ready to run the moment she was born, and it’s just how it was for me. And even if I had the most natural and unmedicated birth with immediate breastfeeding and keeping at it several times a day and having the fortune of not having to leave her to others to take care of her – as I continue doing- that “bonding” everyone talked about just wasn’t there or what I thought I had to be “feeling” – which now I see is part of the things I had to completely shed off: the ideals, the stereotypes and anything else I’ve stored as “the way mothers feel and do.”
I realized each person has a very unique path and process in their experience and that is how it goes, we can’t possibly compare ourselves in that or to anything really. We can learn from each other for sure and that applies in terms of investigating all things and keeping what’s best. It’s also why I share my experience and it’s what makes our human experience quite rich and dare I say bearable too in knowing how others deal with things or how we process them. So, that’s how I currently do within this new phase and role I have as the mother hehe.
I’m here to learn to live the best of myself now as a “guide” and company to another new being in this world and it is a completely new experience that will always be unique to each one, and as with anything else, it stands just where it should as part of our individual process.
I share this because perhaps more mothers feel like “bad mothers” if they didn’t feel that “immediate bonding” with their child or start wondering if there is “something wrong with them” and who knows? Perhaps it was part of a post partum depression or in my case more like an extended quarantine plus not being able to satiate my thirst to understand what we were going through as humanity and at the same time getting used to and being there for my child 24/7 and being suddenly in a very slow paced life after my very active and “get stuff done” life and mindset. I knew this was my “pause” in life and that it was time to embrace it, but the world context didn’t make that entirely easy.
Let’s say it as it is, it’s hell of a weird time to be bringing a child into this world and many times I keep feeling like the character in the Italian movie “Life is Beautiful” where they make of the whole war and concentration camps a game for their child. Ok, we aren’t that far yet, but it certainly has already been a challenge for Minerva to get to be comfortable around more people and not knowing how to react because of everyone wearing masks and not being able to read people’s expressions. Sigh. It is just part of what she will have to deal with out in the streets – but we are also fortunate to have others on the same boat with us in realizing the importance of our children developing with some normalcy like being able to laugh and see each other’s faces and share hugs and be around each other without fear.
We were worried about her not getting enough social interaction with other kids and adults beyond us and my parents, but luckily during the summer we did meet up with other two families and have been seeing each other in the flesh regularly and it’s been great. I never appreciated social gatherings as much as I do now, and sure I guess we all had the same kind of experiences of craving social contact in times like these and now we do with more mothers and kids and that’s been quite a new phase for me as well of having something in common with new people and all of us craving social interaction for ourselves and for our children.
Back to the main topic here, to me it made sense that I simply had to get used to the whole life change over time and deliberately paving my way with living the words unconditional love and care. I also see that it’s easier to start bonding with your child once that they start to interact more with you and you get to see more of their expression when being with them, which is something that doesn’t really show when they are newborns and it’s all just diaper change, sleep, eat and carry around – or perhaps it was me that didn’t see the subtleties at the time due to the same shock experienced of becoming a primary caregiver to a newborn. Holy cow. AND! Then bam! Lockdowns, mass hysteria and people stopping to kiss and hug as usual – along with the rest of the paranoia that ensued in 2020.
So, overall, I did question myself about me not having such “maternal flair” so to speak, but I realized this was just me trying to compare or fit into ideas of mothers I’ve seen around me. I kind of went… “F… It! That wouldn’t be me” and embraced myself as a mother, as how I wanted to be with her which is something I did by focusing on My expression first around her and then, by default, my relationship and expression towards her unfolded in a more natural, carefree and genuine way. This was liberating and this is an ongoing process where even more so when being with others and my daughter I have to let go of feeling observed or judged etc. Because I’ve seen how this becomes the primary concern for mothers when allowing other voices, comments or opinions to become their guide to assess “how well they are doing as a mother” which is quite normal to go through for a novice in any job or position. And! Adding the layer of not doing what could be defined as normal or traditional parenting but going more into the current alternative routes that can be defined as radical parenting, so yeah! Not an exactly easy path in my context but! That’s just how we roll as a couple and now as a family, yay!
I decided to embrace me and my expression, how I decide to raise my child and owning it. That doesn’t mean being arrogant and not taking others’ words into consideration, but not immediately going into “panic” if I find out about something I haven’t been doing or considering.
To me and to us as a couple, Minerva is our parameter and if she is alright, growing well, healthy and being in general fine then, we’re going in the right direction. As simple as that.
I’ve been also learning to let go of some cleanliness attitudes because well! Babies! They eat and get everything all over the place and that is OK lol. So in general it’s been awesome to accompany her in discovering the world and watching myself to not become a control freak or impose something or do as others do – or did as my parents in their time and context did.
Instead, I practice learning to listen or see what she needs and being patient about her sudden desperation about things she wants and place myself in her shoes and understand her position of having everything be new to her and having no way to communicate with words what she is experiencing, that’s just some humbleness right there for me to learn.
Personally, I also had to let go of my antsy ways of wanting to “be productive” all the time and do a lot of “stuff” to feel like I am doing something or “getting somewhere”. Being with a newborn became a perfect excuse to test myself out with that and I kept my doings to the basic while still saying to myself it is ok and I can let go and enjoy the simplicity of the life we have, which I am quite content with actually.
Now she is one year and one month or 13 months old and I am more at ease and used to it all and more focused with what I’m here to be and do, which is to be a mother and raise a child within the context of – or upon the foundation of – being that change that I want to see in the world in one of the key areas in this reality to do so: parenting.
So, this comes from me as a person that many times tried to fit other people’s shoes, ideas and idealized version of people I thought were “better” or “greater” or more “normal” rather, and I only got to love being in my own skin when I embraced the uniqueness in me – which involves some weirdness or being not of this world like my partner says – that’s why he married me hehe. Sure! I’m Definitely not your regular kind of person here, but I wouldn’t want me to be any other way at all either.
One of the things I like about me is my authenticity and well, that’s what I’ve been around Minerva as well so, in the context of dipping my toes into motherhood. I didn’t fake attitudes when they weren’t coming from a genuine source within me, and I still check myself every time now that expressions of care are flowering like in spring so to speak. Little kisses, hugs, massaging, letting her know I care for her are now things I can genuinely say and do and it’s great! No faking and not asking anything of her either, all about me and my expression.
I’ve also been enjoying getting to know other mothers and having our meetings for our babies to be around other babies and kids and that’s been awesome too. Lol, I laugh because I never thought I would do things like that and hey! I actually enjoy it, even more so after this whole lockdown hysteria and finding people that are not paranoid or afraid to meet and share meals and spend time together, that’s been awesome and I’m really grateful for everyone I’ve met now as a mother.
It’s also been cool to be able to relate to for example my sisters as well as fellow mothers and understand them better from that common role and experience in life, and that’s something I’m grateful for because it has opened up communication about more in depth experiences we can go through as mothers, such as that idea and sensation that “we are not doing anything with our lives” and we might not be reaching certain financial or professional “success” and I’ve also opened up this whole topic in Spanish in my podcast here https://anchor.fm/encausarte/episodes/Encausarte-88-La-Maternidad-y-Poner-Nuestra-Vida-En-Pausa-el7qrh (for those that can understand) where I explain how we have been essentially brainwashed by currents of feminism and the ideals imposed of “modern women” that become successful business people or in certain professions and job positions that take up most of their time, while also raising kids. I don’t intend to judge anyone being a mother and being a full time working person here, but I speak from my observations on how it goes for the kids that don’t have their mothers at home because of work and how that eventually affects the whole of our society as well, based on the lacks these kids develop by not having their mother or both parents at home with them and barely get to BE with them. Its insanity and we have learned to see the staying-at-home mothers as “less than” those that choose to work.
Read me out though: Choose your priorities, because! We unfortunately do exist in a society and system where financial need does get the better of us and sometimes it is inevitable that both parents have to work to get to survive. And that simply obviously sucks. Let alone how it goes for single mothers, I honestly cannot imagine how hard it can be for them, yet, it is a very common situation as well and I would say isn’t ideal for anyone this way.
Here, a massively important topic opens up and that is MONEY. Because honestly, I don’t think many mothers would be that eager to work if there was a form of Living Income as an unconditional support for mothers that by the sheer outcome of having kids, requires money to survive – considering they are agreeing and willing to spend all their time with their kids to accompany that process of raising them and perhaps why not? Taking some courses and gathering support to become an effective father or mother if one has no idea of how to actually raise a child.
Here I’m also mostly talking about the essential first 7 years of age, but I’d even double that amount until the teenage years to have a solid certainty of having raised a child to the best of one’s ability to have them be a well grounded self responsible person that can make sound decisions with sufficient awareness and considering their lives as a contribution to the betterment of our society in every thought, word and deed. Not perfection reached by then! But surely being so in the making, as we all currently do in our lives within this Desteni Process.
I would not be able to be here pleasantly typing this while I breastfeed my daughter – that happens to also eat while sleeping- if I didn’t have the financial support from others to do this. I don’t have to worry about going homeless or having to go to work somewhere to make money and leave my child with someone else, nor am I in constant anxiety about lacking my next meal and having an empty fridge has never been a problem to me. And nope this is not about feeling privileged, this is about the Russian roulette that exists as our current system and society where this is not something Guaranteed for every mother out there, and children, and fathers, and everyone else because, guess what? We all well know what would make us have a sense of security and support and have time to be the best versions of ourselves if we so decided to be so.
Becoming a mother has completely re-sensitized myself to consider and wonder “how other mothers do” when they lack the money and support from others to effectively care for their child? How would it be to have a child and having to breastfeed but not having even eaten yourself first!?
It really shocks me to what extent the whole world is able to be “lockedowned” in a matter of hours for as long as it “apparently” takes to apparently “protect people” from getting Ill or dying – but we haven’t yet done anything similar to ensure that every single person alive is well fed and has a dignified living space – especially those with children! It baffles me, every single day to see the amount of money that goes to bs pseudo science and “studies” and f…ing so called “vaccines” – which should be called injectables btw- to apparently protect people from their own fear of dying while we haven’t realized that we don’t even know what it is like to truly be Alive! We don’t! If we knew, none of this absurdity and nonsense “rules” would be happening in the world because we would have learned how our bodies operate, how to best nourish ourselves, how to coexist with the environment and every single living part of it. We would have overthrown our so called authorities that are currently misleading towards a dictatorship because we would have learned to be self directed and be responsible for ourselves.
We would not be fearing a coming pseudo technocratic totalitarian governance because we would not have a reason to be told how to behave towards others or commit crimes against other ME’s for money, because we would have already cocreated a way to live our lives of mutual support and in consideration of the environment and other species that we share this realm with. These are just the basics to have a fulfilling Physical life, such as the principles embedded in the Equal Money System.
We wouldn’t be having a massive crisis of gender identities and races and nations, because we would be already living and loving others as ourselves regardless of skin colors, religions, nations, political affiliations or sexual preferences and we would all leave aside our individual beliefs to focus on that which makes us enjoy life and sharing our experiences with each other, learning from other, sorting out our messed up inherited world and create a common ground to thrive.
We would not be fearing to send our children to concentration-work-indoctrination-camps currently called “schools” because we would understand what it means to assist each child to reach their potential by facilitating the support they need to acquire the skills to become that which they want to develop and do with their lives! As an expression of themselves and not as a result of fear of survival.
We wouldn’t be worrying about the notion of a virus because we would have obviously understood the actual origin of these particles inside our bodies and as such, would not be fearing a part of ourselves as waste material that we simply have to learn to assist expelling out of our bodies. I could go on and on, but you get the idea.
Right now the world is paralyzed in a fear of dying while we haven’t yet even begun to try Live and be self aware and know how our minds and bodies operate, let alone being able to properly assist a new being to do so for themselves.
I seriously hope more can see through the cracks of this current narrative and ask deeper questions like… why haven’t we all paralyzed our lives until every child is well fed and has a supportive environment to be raised in? Why haven’t we lockedowned the entire planet to install a new economic system that could assist us all to get our means to live well if we so choose to spend our time at home raising our children properly? That would change everything, but we don’t even think that is possible. We are too busy seeing who wins political selections or waiting for some panacea that will shield one from dying, apparently, disregarding the fact that many are too busy dying while alive in fear and failing to consider the play we are embodying until we decide enough is enough with our complacent roles.
Well I got a theory. Things will not get any better until we go to the root cause of it all and economic inequality and the lack of living principles are the points we need to focus on to start sorting this out. That involves getting to apply these tools of self investigation and self honesty as well, to see where and how we are actively contributing to the cocreation of this very evident delusion, to truly rewire ourselves if we are indeed interested in getting to Live in the actual sense of the word in this world.
Well, this is how it goes with me. Even if this blog was supposed to be about myself and motherhood, I can’t play dumb or be oblivious to the times we are living in. I also understand this Is part of the consequence we have to walk through to finally – perhaps- get it, how hardship and troubles in this paradise won’t cease to exist until we sort out the root cause of our problems, which Is: ourselves, our self interest, our grand illusions that don’t consider what would be best for all.
Critical times we are living in and that also means it is an awesome time to be alive as well, because we are being forced to place the wheels of change in motion, finally moving along whether we are ready or not.
So, I want every mother to have sufficient economic, mental and relationship support in order to have everything necessary to be an effective parent. If we do that, if we made that our next goal as humanity along with an economic system that could cater it, we would witness the beginning of massive changes in our reality. Why not instead of fearing dying we start gathering to rethink the way we live among each other in this equally alive physical world? Sounds far more worthy time wise than living in fear of death and of each other.
Come on! Let’s let this all sink in and decide what we want to focus on and live. I’ve made my choice long ago, and for now I keep focusing on this very living present I got as an opportunity to contribute to this world change we want for ourSelf, because we are all it and the time is ripe to do so
For now, I’ll keep at it educating myself on how to best take care of my child, but also taking it easy around her and enjoying the lightness she brings to our day to day, the laughter, the enjoyment of the simplest things in life. I’m definitely keeping an eye on my spiraling into info worms and creating a balance so as to not go into extremes at times.
Thanks for reading