Category Archives: writer’s block

521. The Invaluable Benefits of Self-Writing

Or how journaling and blogging have saved myself from my selective-memory deciding ‘who I was’ at a point in my life and instead, look back and see the reality of myself in my own words.

I was quite amazed last night when reading some older readings in my personal journal and be able to see with my own words and handwriting the reality of myself in past months.

I started writing for myself around the year 2000, I found it cool to keep a record of my every day, lol whether it was only describing what I had watched on TV or the new music I was into, the books I had read, the friends I would meet online… at the time, keeping a ‘record’ of myself throughout those teenage years became a way to describe some of my ‘growing pains’ and a lot of emotional personalities that I actually remember ‘solidifying’ and ‘fueling’ through my own writings – and surely that’s not the way to go through writing in the context of self-support as I do it now, but! I will apply what I wrote some blogs ago to not go into my own intellectual arrogance and dismiss all of those writings, because one good thing I did create for myself as a habit is that of self-writing and enjoying writing for myself, which yes over the years has transformed into this self-support tool that I very much have established as a foundation to create myself, to see myself and from there integrate self-honesty and self-creation into my day to day living.

When I started writing in 2008 with a new approach – which is within the context of this process of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and pushing to see the truth of myself – I found it was comfortable to do this in my personal journal and initially publishing it in these blogs as well at the very beginning but, lol, I also got to understand that self-honesty is not about ‘exposing’ oneself to others, but exposing myself to myself, first and foremost. Therefore even if throughout the years I have kept this blog as a more of a public record of things that I work with in my life, I also have had actual journals at the same time, a series of notebooks that I’ve been keeping throughout the years and it’s always kind of amusing to randomly open them up and see ‘where I was at’ 3, 6, 8, 15 years ago or! Where I was a couple of months ago, aha!

And that’s what I was reading last night at and I found something very revealing about how I – and probably we all in our minds – function when it comes to our memories and creation a notion of ‘where we are’ and ‘how we really are doing’ deep within ourselves.

So in this journal I was reading back on pages written 5, 3 and two months ago in a random manner and I discovered that I had created a sort of ‘ideal’ vision in my mind of ‘how I had been doing’ in those months and how I had been experiencing myself all of that time – painting it in a relatively nice manner so to speak, mostly handpicking ‘good times’ and ‘favorable moments’ where it’s as if in my mind, if someone had asked me yesterday before I actually went and read my journal ‘how I had been in the past months within myself?’ I would have said, “well, quite fine, all fine just going through some events and situations that shook my reality recently, but overall was quite well before that.’ 

That’s an example of how in our minds we like to stick to a minimized, very synthesized version of ourselves where we don’t actually see the truth, the nitty-gritty details of our experience as in who we have really been in those moments where we are alone with ourselves – devoid of nice words to describe it better than it actually was. Now, when I started reading through these pages I noticed that I was describing doubts, questioning my decisions, ‘sucking in’ some experiences as in suppressing actual things that I was noticing and that I was being too hopeful that would change in time, or where I describe how I had not been doing like physically well because of being drained by particular emotional experiences in me – losing ‘my footing’ at times and giving a hope to the next day getting better and that kind of stuff.

So it reminded me a lot to something I got to be aware of 10 years ago where I went through a year of really being ‘out of myself’ completely, there was like a veil upon all of that time where the distinction of days was like completely blurred and I was on a literal high of focusing too much on ‘who I wanted to be’ as an artist and completely losing ground in who I was becoming in the whole process. Back then in 2007 I wasn’t aware of this process yet and I was about to ‘step deep into the rabbit hole’ when I found Desteni in January of 2008, that’s when I literally saved myself with it, but that’s another story I’ve shared before.

Fortunately, the only way I have a recollection of what really went on within myself at the time were those journals where I would get deep into my own depressive and emotional ‘nature’ back then even though if someone would ask me how I was doing at the time I would have defined those years when I got into art school as ‘a really good year in my life, best times and all’. But the truth of myself through my own words and laying out all of my emotional turmoil, I was quite a mess to be honest. I was quite confused, accepting and allowing shitty situations for myself, being constantly seeking ‘something’ superior to myself, being very depressed, not being in the right company, being so out of my own two feet, holding friendships that at the time were mostly enhancing my own delusions and in essence I consider I would not recognize myself as in ‘who I was then’ to where I am now, but hey I am actually able to live to tell this and honor my decision to support myself.

The point here is though how in my ‘selective memory’ I had defined such years as ‘great times, fun times, expressive times’ – but, when reading the truth of myself in those journals where I made it a point to be real with myself, to lay everything ‘as is’ no matter what, I was able to remember how I really felt through it all and how it wasn’t at all a ‘fun time’ except for a few moments ‘with other people’ or in certain relationships or experiences with others, of which of course throughout the years I’ve also learned to see the ‘good things’ I could learn from others and integrate into my life, not all was ‘plain bad’ because it had to do mostly with how I was emotionally doing within myself at the time. The truth of myself is that I was an emotional mess and that writing  my woes and hopes out didn’t do much but at times reinforce those ideas of myself only, which is quite a world apart from how I use writing nowadays.

I also find it interesting that it was that time when people considered I was the most creative and expressive, and seemed quite successful in what I was doing at the eyes of others – but I definitely do know it was quite a ‘show’ for others in my pursuit of happiness, while the truth of my experience was a completely different story, which demonstrates how I was mostly ‘giving a show’ to others to hide from the truth of myself, painting a picture of success, dreaming big and hoping for the best but within myself, there were a lot of fears and discomforts and general self-abuse going on at various levels in my life.

 

So with this, I want to share how in these journals that I’ve kept throughout the years, I’ve made them my personal spot and space where I write for myself only – no one else – and that very private self-writing has enabled me to not censor myself, to keep ‘track’ of myself in a way that I by now know my limited memory would not enable me to recall the detail of all of those actual challenging experiences in me, the discomforts, the ‘down’ times, the doubts, the fears, the desires, the questionings in my decisions, how I truly observe situations in my life, how they impacted me in a nutshell, how I truly experienced myself in relationship to others and so forth and that’s been very cool and a supportive point for me to not only ‘keep track’ of myself, but also integrating it in my day to day life as the habit of ‘writing myself.’

And one pointer here is that they are not these super long entries like I sometimes do here lol, I might do at times some 5 minutes of writing and get to register some  ‘daily essentials’ to look at, which is from where a lot of the points that I then share in blogs open up. Sometimes I am able to open up a point ‘in a blog’ here, but sometimes I first have to get ‘deep into seeing within me’ within that journal, and that’s also cool how I have my own ‘spot’ that is quite physical and has my handwriting, very personal I’d say and that’s something I’d definitely suggest to try out.

It’s the development of that self-intimacy in my writing that I’ve come to savor and enjoy as well, because I’ve been able to debunk my own ‘lies’ within my selective memory of ‘how I was’ in a particular time in my life and where I tend to paint it all ‘better’ than it actually was – yet when reading those entries, it’s quite surprising even to myself when I get to see the truth or reality of me in a particular time or moment and then get self-honest about what I need to change, what I need to do in order to genuinely be standing, be clear within myself, which is the actual process and challenge that I continue to place myself in and walk in this lifetime.

And here it’s not like I’ve been super consistent with writing throughout these ‘17’ years of notebooks. I have definitely forgotten about it for months at a time, resulting in complete ‘blackouts’ of where I was at the time and usually yes, I can see I might have been too focused ‘in a relationship’ for example or in a complete new environment where I kind of ‘forgot’ about myself – all my decisions of course, but it also becomes a point of regret in terms of stopping that self-communication for ‘whatever reason’ I formulated for myself, an excuse really because over these past months and keeping a more consistent writing for myself both in these blogs and my personal journal, I’ve been able to debunk perceptions about myself, my life, my experience even from two months ago (!) lol, I truly was amazed at myself at how I wasn’t seeing the whole picture of me when thinking that ‘I was just fine and all alright’ – when it is in fact not so.

What are the gifts from writing myself unconditionally and in an uncensored manner? I’ve developed an enjoyment of ‘getting to know myself,’ seeing myself, recognizing what kind of experiences I had throughout the day and at the same time, it’s made it easier over time to be true to myself, to be honest and give that step into self-honesty, to actually make decisions of where and how I am going to create a point of change in my life, or where I require to stand up – as well as recognizing where I am genuinely enjoying something, changing at something, owning my creation.

It also becomes very clear where in my journal I am kind of kidding myself or hiding from sharing ‘the real truth’ which is kind of interesting because it would be ‘me hiding from myself’ which I know what happens afterward, there’s a ‘lag’ of suppressions that I eventually have to take out of the laundry bag to do some washing, lol. It’s all there, it’s all me and I am the only one that can push myself to  ‘get real’ with myself in those writings, which is something I’d recommend anyone doing if your thing is not yet to ‘publish blogs’ for the world to see, but you still want to write for yourself.

Get yourself a notebook or even build your own – I buy my journals from colleagues that make them and sell them, so they’re ‘handmade’ and custom – and get to taste the enjoyment of sharing yourself to yourself, seriously! I could not believe my eyes today when I read someone at the Desteni Forum saying they had not written out their thoughts in like 10 years (!!!) I probably would not be here sharing these blogs if I had not continued to write myself, to support myself through writing and learning how to do that with the tools at Desteni and the Desteni I Process, best gift ever for anyone that is serious about living life and supporting oneself to change themselves and so the world, taking one’s life in one’s own hands and directing it to a best for all outcome.

If you want to start online and doing it bit by bit, there’s also the DIP Lite Course, designed specially to get to integrate the habit of writing as part of your day to day living.

Now this is the benefit of this process, it’s something you can do for the rest of your life, by yourself, and even if or when you cannot write for whatever reason, you can still sound yourself, you can speak to yourself in a directive manner which I also enjoy doing these days, having conversations with me where I dig deeper into myself, look at things within myself, lol get real with myself – but the ‘down-side’ is that there are no records of that and it’s prone to be forgotten an hour later, so that’s where the documenting of all of this process through writing or vlogging comes to be so valuable and I’m thankful to myself that I have continued to do so even after those long ‘halts’ and losing track of this basic and most valuable self-support: writing, writing yourself to freedom.

Do it! Test it out! I don’t ask for much, just write with intent and starting point to get real with yourself, see what you find out, get intimate with you, this is also a very cool step into developing a relationship with yourself, which wrongly many times we go seeking ‘out there’ and forgetting we’re always here with ourselves first.

 

Enjoy : )

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE

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212. Opposing the System= Act of Ignorance

     

    The Revolutionary Character

     

As we have walked our own life reviews as our own process, I realized that my immediate incorporation within Desteni had to do with agreeing on establishing a betterment for humanity in all ways. However, what I’ve heard in interviews on Eqafe is how most of us had seen ‘the evil’ in this world in one way or another, had experienced it ourselves which is why we decided to stand up for Life in Equality. I could not make much sense of that if I only took my life into consideration. I mean, yes as I mentioned in the last blog 211. Why is Life a Struggle? Why Can’t All be just HAPPY? there were times of financial distress at home, but it was never to the extent of actually having a tough life or going through any other form of suffering as many people do. So, what had I witnessed then in my reality that piled up to a desire for this world to change?  Being living in a third world country, seeing corruption everywhere, people cheating to get the most, that became quite an obvious point for me all the time to witness in my life, even from the time when I was a little girl and supposed to be informed about cartoons or stuff like that, I was already more interested in knowing what the hell could lead a person to suffer or have ‘problems in life’ if you will, more involved in adult talks than what I diminished as petty little childish games that most kids my age were into. I realize how I missed out on my childhood by wanting to ‘know about the world’ too fast, yet again it became a vital aspect within my life in order to form a certain criteria toward ‘who I am’ within this world-  obviously still limited to the confinement of my own TV set with news and information coming from it, and later on the information I got in my school about world economics and political systems with a great professor whom till this day, I would clone and give one to all people since most of the information that we are now watching in documentaries that ‘expose the truth’ was given to me by him, I guess I can say that ‘knowing the truth’ partly also lead me to see that there was something absolutely wrong going on wherein people were mostly unaware of the actual mechanisms that make this world go round.

So, my own reality check in this country – Mexico – seeing how the business world functioned, how our money had suddenly ‘lost three zeros’ and no one made a single comment other than ‘practicality purposes’ about it, being aware of endless protests, crime, shootings, robberies, assaults, kidnappings, drug trafficking and the list goes on and on, made me realize that there had to be a way to establish a solution in this world, and within that, I became a character for a while which was linked to ‘wanting change’ but mostly, being absolutely unaware of how me protesting against some governor’s pedophilia could make in any way a real change in the way he would govern the city.  I just tagged along with people that saw that as incorrect and followed through with endless talks about how ‘wrong’ the system was – as I have explained also in past blogs, all based in actual ignorance of how the system works, really.   And so I begin with explaining some of the most prominent points that come to mind today.

 

Red Fears

I remember my first approach and interaction with anything having to do with Communism while growing up. A friend of my mother had come from Russia – then USSR – to escape the poverty she was experiencing in her birthplace, my mother was her dentist and so I became aware of her being from another place due to her funny Spanish accent, I’m talking about me being probably 5 years old or so. My parents explained to me about Communism being this government-modality that was very detrimental for people’s lives, people were going poor really fast and so she had decided to come her to make a ‘better living’ condition for herself. I had the same approach with some other older lady that was also a friend of ours and she was from Chile, had come to Mexico as a refugee in the 80’s  – it was interesting seeing people escaping from their country for one or another reason. I didn’t question that, nor did I have much understanding about the world back then, but I do see that the communist reference became part of me integrating the so called red-fear from believing that: if communism is what the USSR was living in and people are wanting to escape their situation, then communism is no good.  Seems fair when it comes to logic and the information one is given about a subject, which most of the cases, we simply engulf as some sort of ‘informed decision’ with regards to what we agree or disagree in our world, little do we even ask if such information is valid in all contexts – hence the personalities built around acquired and almost inherited points of view/ opinions as the building blocks of our current division and separation in reality, missing out anything that is Real.

 

When growing up and being around 10 or so I knew that some artists here, which have become some form of Mexican icons like Frida Kahlo, Rivera and David Alfaro Siqueiros – whom I came to be very fond of while studying art – were supporters and militants of the Mexican Communist Party here. Siqueiros had been part of the military as well during the revolution – which is interesting how the people that came to be part of the military and later on became artists – Siqueiros and Beuys as a parallel point – supported new political systems that were based on a more ‘just society.’  Anyways, I realized that there was something really ‘controversial’ about the whole Communist word, not to mention that all the people that were supporters of socialism and communism in my environment were dubbed by my parents as mediocre – most of the times and other words on the same vein – simply because to them, Communism meant a rusty poor Cuba and an impoverished Russia.

 

I grew up then rather not wanting to ‘make up my mind’ about communism, and leaving it aside as something that I would somehow later on in life come to make an informed decision about. I kept a fair idea of how Marx’s communism was never implemented and all that was done was simply creating another form of control of society in very non-best-for-all ways. And that was it. Later on we begun having a lot of feedback about the Equal Money System being something linked to Communism. So obviously what must be understood here is how then Communism has been portrayed as the counter act, the ‘evil guy’ standing as the counteract toward Capitalism. What was mostly not known is how Communism had become a convenient boogie-man/ fear point to maintain people locked within the propagandistic idea that capitalism is Life, that capitalism is the best way for humanity and within that, using it as a bastion, a legion and a force that was imposed in several countries as another way of masking out colonialism in the name of ‘progress,’ which is what capitalism came to be defined as for the most part.

 

Corruption

When I became aware of the world system as in there being a president in our nation, one of the so-called most corrupted presidents in our ‘modern era’ was in office. I grew up having constant references to the NAFTA and solidarity, progress, under development, devaluation and later on crisis– all these words were constant imprints from the news, while always hearing adult talks and hearing their complains about the government, the corruption. Later on it was the Zapatistas making their armed movement in 1994 and I was only 7 years old when I had quite a formed picture of our country definitely not being alright, lots of poverty and uprisings around and something had to be done, also became aware of how a lot was being left unsaid on the TV as well.  I knew Revolution was also not the way since all those paintings I had seen from the revolution indicated lots of guns, people with blood, kids crying and certainly no change had come from that time – which was early 20th century here in México. Another reference then was that my father was in Mexico City studying when the 1968 student ‘revolution’ and demonstrations took place where thousands of them were killed mercilessly by the government, such an event is still remembered till this day. He would tell this story along the lines of how unnecessary it was to create such a problem in the first place. He ended up being in jail for two days just because of ‘being around there’ and having no direct participation in it. I vowed to then never take part of such acts as I feared I could get myself in such problem as well. And never did, for the most part.

 

Murdering those that dare to Stand Up

I became aware of the murder of a presidential candidate here in 1994, he was apparently murdered because of his attempt to make a real change in this country, which was obviously against his political party’s intention. That murder became an entire ‘mystery’ while most of the people actually knowing that it was an actual complot by his own party. A world so cruel, how could that be? Killing someone that was up for change? What?  – Yes, I was only 7 years old and I remember very well the entire story and it also marked me ‘for life,’ how this person aiming to be a president being killed during his political campaign, shot to the head. 

 

Going back to Siqueiros that stood up within a political Communist party to promote a change in this country, he ended up in jail and arrested several other times for openly attacking the president and generally opposing this entire system. Watching his paintings in the Palacio de Bellas Artes allowed me to see one thing: there was something really wrong going on and I wasn’t aware of it, because I had seen it as ‘history’ as something that is ‘long gone,’ little did I know that the same processes were pretty much still ‘alive’ within the entire configuration that this system is operating with and as. We might not be carrying bullets on our chests or wearing sombreros, however the essence of the social injustice is still here while having a major system of sugar-coating the abuse through entertainment/ media that has made of this world a silenced agony and destruction, covered up colors in bright HDMI screens and entertaining masses with iPhone upgrades where we have all have become just silent self-abusers in an abusive world. Well, why have we feared standing up? Due to our history, however what ‘type’ of standing up is it that we have come to fear? The one that has created an open opposition to the system. Little did we care to investigate that there is absolutely another way to walk in this world, be within the system and implement a change.

 

Crucified for Standing Up

The problem with all these revolutionaires was that: opposing the system, begin dissidents and that will obviously always only upgrade the system to silence any form of opposition that attempts against its own survival. Hence the way is not ‘giving the finger’ to the system, but being within the system.

The fears I see related to this are mostly related to seeing how people that became part of political parties that stood up for what was defined as communism were always threatened to death, ostracized and in the end, I see that fear can be latent when one is still Opposing the system. It is so common in this country nowadays to kill anyone that dares to speak more than the usual, however it is the same point: obviously people will try and silence that which reveals their corrupted ways of going through the system, that’s an obvious survival-mode tactic. However, if we stand as a group of people that propose simply another way and form of creating a new system within this world based on life in Equality, we can certainly see that there is no need to ‘oppose’ anyone, but just present an alternative of what is possible.

 

Fear is used as the greatest form of control so that any person considering ‘changing the system’ is immediately warned about the perils that such actions bring. Fear and warnings on this subject have been ‘conveniently’ placed and existent throughout our lives when learning about history and revolutions, just another form of control which is what revolutions have actually served for: a great warning to the population in the ways of ‘this is what happens to you when you dare stand up’ – little did the people participating in such revolutions know what their desires for change would end up being used as fear-propaganda for people to remain ‘calm and quiet’ where they are, going by within a system that certainly does not support life  yet fearing doing any move or proposal to change it, because of having this constant imprint of fear dying due to Standing up for what is best for all. However, were and are our current revolutions best for all? Are wars and opposition what is BEST FOR ALL? No, not at all. This is how and why the Equal Money System is the most Sane proposal that exists within our world currently to create an actual change that is permanent and sustainable within our world  Without having to oppose anyone or fighting against any form of regime or government.  Democracy must not be an act of retaliation, vengeance or opposition toward the ‘evil one,’ it must be an actual decision to exert one’s will to be a part of a world system that stands up for All Life in Equality, for that which we All know and are aware of is Best for All, what we have All desired but have Feared standing up from – it only takes one decision in Self Responsibility to do so.

 

Activism and Revolutions

All these stories, the history we learn in our books must be reviewed within the consideration of how it has been all conveniently preserved in order to instill fears within humanity to not make a change – perfect weapon of mass control: fear for your life if you stand up for Life in Equality, for ‘Freedom’ and ‘Justice’

We are here, individuals with common sense, taking Self Responsibility toward our world and reality, realizing the acceptance and allowance of the world system that has lead us to this point at the moment wherein it is a matter of actual life or death, not only for individuals, but for Every Being Equally if we don’t get to an agreement to do and live within a system that will benefit all beings equally. This is thus not a matter of Revolutions, Oppositions, Protests, Flipping Fingers at your Presidents, firing up flags and pictures of leaders as a sign of inconformity, this is about dedicating our lives to first Educate ourselves HOW human history has developed, how we have accepted the issues that exist nowadays as an inheritance of the past, how we are the ones that must take responsibility and within this, create a political, economical and social solution that benefits ALL Equally, yes including those that are currently on the top of the world – otherwise, we already know where this fight between classes leads us to: nowhere but further upgrades within the same system of abuse.

 

This is why we say Activism is Futile as all revolutions and people that have ‘stood up’ for anything in this world have been killed, ostracized and exterminated by the system.  This is why we have explained that the real revolution begins within us, individually, the moment that we stop only caring for our individual lives and consider the whole in our thoughts, words and deeds – that’s the greatest common sensical ‘weapon’ toward everything that is promoted within this world, a ‘white glove’ smack on the face as they say here which means, using Common Sense = What is Best for ALL as the principle to live by that will eliminate the constant desire to be ‘above’ others, to maim another’s opportunity to get some form of benefit in order for you to get it first. All of these individualistic tactics is what is promoted within capitalism. We can decide to change it by standing up for Life in Equality, what a better way to slowly but surely dismantle an entire empire founded upon self-interest and selfish acts of greed. This implies that Changing Human Nature is required, and this is why and how we are walking at Desteni as the primary point of understanding the relationship that exists between ourselves as physical bodies, our mind and the current creation of this reality With the actual, real and practical solutions that each one of us, individual by individual are able to take on in order to establish a real change that will be Here as a certainty for generations to come.

Now, this is something that I am definitely willing to live for and by for the rest of my life, there is nothing else to do, be or become but standing up for what is best for all, this is the law of our being and this is what must be pursued equally by any sane person left in this world. This is thus not being a revolutionary in the sense of opposing or fighting the system, this is about changing the way live is being ‘lived’ currently and be part of the group of people that is willing to implement it until it is done.

Amen.

 

Self Forgiveness in any left overs of fears toward standing up for Life in Equality will come in the next post. Thanks for reading.

Revolución

 

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192. The Reasoning behind Procrastination

The end of the character – the beginning of new points.

Conclusions and new beginnings within the Procrastination Character

 

So, here is a consideration. Procrastination and various realizations were walked while working on this series of blogs – however I realize that it is useless unless I walk it, and that’s a general consideration with all of our writings within Self Forgiveness, that it is not a magic wand, it is actually getting to know the pattern in such detail that we can only continue fooling ourselves to Not live out the corrections we’ve specified here.

Another aspect I can see is how Self Forgiveness is not about now pumping our ‘spirits’ and creating a willingness to do so based on energy as a positive-attitude toward it, as that can eventually down-grade to the downhill experience toward it – thus I realize that every point of correction that I walk must be an actual integration of the correction as a habit, as a pattern that I can stand as without any ‘effort’ or ‘impetus’ stemming with an energetic surge to ‘do it’ which can downfall in the ‘not wanting to do it’ and within that, we could only get back to our drawing board to see, okay, what have I missed?

In my case, I’ve realized that there are Many points that opened up with this character, since it’s been virtually a progressive point that I left behind/ delbierately postponed in looking at the ‘postponement character’ as I’ve explained which entails that there is an aspect that I was Not willing to face within myself. And this is where I lead myself to, the character extraction of postponement/procrastination inevitably leads me to see what is it in fact that I am resisting to look at, what am I exactly doing to myself, why am I doing this even if I KNOW/ knew all the way that it is not what I had planned/ meant to do.

Now, looking into these aspects that I was not willing to open up is not a ‘piece of cake’ because

1. I was only thinking too much about it but not looking into myself and writing about it, applying self forgiveness and self corrective application to make sense of myself, which is the point that cannot be side-viewed when we see ourselves stepping into this wobbly ground wherein we Believe that we are ‘superior to our mind’ and we can just figure it out/ sort out the point in our minds without actually walking it/ writing it/ applying the corrections.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think too much about what I had to do without actually assisting and supporting me to write the point out and follow through it within a practical application of self-forgiveness, because I wanted to ‘sort it out’ myself within the belief that I could just ‘stop it’ in one moment and be through it without any further hesitation, which is an indication of ego trying to ‘sort it out in one go’ without realizing that the moment that a point has not been directed in a long time and it is still ‘here’ as a point that has not been moved, it requires immediate attention and direction in order to support myself, as I see and realize that trying to ‘make up my mind’ about it is really covering up/ disguising/ make-up excuses and justifications for not doing something and further procrastinating it. Thus

 

When and as I see myself thinking that I can easily ‘sort out’ a point within my mind, which has been going on for an extended period of time – I stop and I breathe – I flag point immediately this ‘brushing off’ attitude wherein I realize that I must take the point ‘by the horns’ so to speak, in order to not further grow the ‘calamity’ and as such, take he responsibility of my own inactions/ actions to investigate what is going on with me, why am I simply not directing myself effectively within one point in my reality, what are the thoughts, the experiences, the backchat behind it? As I see and realize that the more it s procrastinated the more it will be fueled by a negative experience toward it, eventually building it as a fortress that I will simply have to debunk/ deconstruct anyways as there is no-way I can escape from my responsibility, no matter what.

 

I commit myself to assist and support me to immediately look at a point that I’ve been deliberately ‘leaving around’ to no look at it/ not face the point, as I see and realize that this is just part of the resistances that I have to get to know how I created and why have I simply not looked into them, which is an indication of me having to look at myself and walk the necessary process of self correction without further procrastination.

 

2. I was trying to ‘make sense’ of my procrastination through a positive-perspective toward it, such as what I’ve explained within the previous points wherein I would place a positive-experience or deemed ‘positive task’ to do instead of doing this particular task/ project without comparing it to other tasks in my reality – within this,  not wanting to actually look at what was in fact the resistance to work on this document, what was it all about and how I could practically ‘do something about it’ which is obviously first: getting to know myself and the entire ‘case’ I made out of this project/ writing that I have to do and then actually walking the correction .

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and justify/ excuse and most importantly validate my procrastination based on having ‘other tasks to do’ that I have deemed as ‘more important’ and within this excuse, wanting to justify my deliberate neglect toward other tasks in my reality that I see and realize will ‘not go away’ and that I have to actually walk through them and direct myself to take responsibility for them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify a resistance experienced toward writing based on having ‘better things to do’ and within this always making it ‘alright’ in my mind to not get to the task at hand, which is the easy-positive thinking that I would indulge in to always remain with a ‘positive score’ within me, even if I knew that I was not properly giving direction and directing myself toward all things that I have to do/ work on in my reality.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to validate, excuse and justify a point of procrastination with ‘better things to do/ more valuable things/ more important things in my reality’  – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this value-schemes are part of my own creation in order to relegate the task that is part of my professional career to a ‘second point’ in my reality, without considering that it is a priority and it is in fact as important as any other task that I have committed myself to within the principle of assisting and supporting myself within this process in my reality and within the network of support that we represent and are.

 

I commit myself to give myself direction in an equal basis/ manner to all points in my reality and within this, stopping the value-scheme toward tasks wherein there are no ‘less important’ tasks or ‘more important’ tasks – but remain equal and consistent within my application in all aspects of my reality.

 

3. I wasn’t willing to recognize that what is “natural” to us is all aspects that lead us to self-sabotage and always create a point of conflict to not be able to function properly in our lives, and this is just because of who we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become based on  the mind and trying to remain within a ‘winning situation’ at all times while no action is being taken upon All aspects of who we are within our reality – among other various variables that are yet to be explored.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and make sense to why I was procrastinating with excuses and validations as previously mentioned, without actually investigating what is it that is actually leading me to self-sabotage, what is it that I am in fact not looking at/ identifying within me to give myself proper direction within this point.

 

When and as I see myself facing a ‘wall’ within looking at the reason/ processing behind an aspect of my reality that I am not able to ‘pinpoint’ as to why I am not moving within it – I stop and I breathe – I first of all ask myself: what am I preventing me to see within myself that is leading me to deliberately sabotage myself and my decisions? And if there is no clear answer, then I assist and support myself with asking questions to others that are also walking this process as us Destonians are able to always give ourselves a perspective that we would have most likely not considered/ not being willing to look at, which is how within the dimension of self-support must at all times be considered in order to not just try and ‘figure it all out’ ourselves – as outlined in point number 1 – and instead, accept and allow the support that is available in gratefulness.

 

I commit myself to ask for support and assistance and allow myself to get further perspectives when facing a point that I cannot simply ‘make sense of’ by only writing about it and not really understanding ‘why’ we are doing things to ourselves, as we can be missing out an important aspect that we might not be looking at because of and due to the extent we have become the pattern in itself, which is how and why buddying/ assistance and support at Desteni is all about: allowing ourselves to be supported by others within the principle of us being living the point of supporting ourselves unconditionally as well.

 

4. Another point I realized is how one underlying aspect of this all is wanting to ‘serve others/ be there as support for others’ and missing out this basic point of self support for Myself. This is what I will begin with on the following posts to come, to see where this personality of the helper/ good person/ supportive person has lead me to self compromise when not walking in an equilibrium between my ‘supportive role’ and my own personal-support as in walking the responsibilities that I have within my world that are not linked toward my own process however are absolutely Part of Process as it is part of my reality and the points that I am walking within my life in this world.

And here’s where that Jesuit school motto comes to mind ‘Ser para los demás’ = ‘To be/ Being For Others’ – which is  essentially missing out oneself and then yes, it’s like ‘awesome, you are of ‘great support’ for others but, where’s your own self-support and self responsibility within your world?’ Self’s application must be Equal in all ways and I cannot give more to be something for ‘others’ but rather stand as an example of being the support I want for myself and that I can give to others and as such, give it back to myself. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate my own responsibilities based on wanting to rather ‘support others/ be there for others’ and within this, missing out my own priorities and responsibilities which I see and realize that it is actually stemming from wanting to ‘do good to others’ while creating an actual physical space-time consequences due to me using the point of supporting others as an excuse to not get to my own responsibilities in my reality. Thus

 

When and as I see myself making the decision to rather do this/that which is based on supporting others/ being ‘there for others’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that as long as this support of ‘being there for others’ stems from a point of wanting to help/ support to be a ‘good person’ and use this as an excuse to not get to my responsibilities, it is actually an unacceptable way of supporting as I am missing out myself and furthermore creating further excuses as how it is ‘better’ to support others because it makes me feel ‘better’ than just doing a task for an institution, wherein it is common sense that all aspects of my reality are equally important and equally priority within this process wherein everything that I commit myself to do will be based on self-responsibility in all aspects/ points in my reality.

I commit myself to equalize my application in all aspects of my reality wherein no point is less or more important as I realize that all commitments I make are equally important within my reality and my development as a person that is able to be self responsible in all aspects/ ways which is the decision one makes when standing up for life and the creation of an actual better world for ourselves.

 

So, the procrastination character has now morphed into looking at the ‘game played’ while procrastinating, and that’s the nitty-gritty aspects that I commit myself to open up in the following posts.

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189. Anger and Irritation upon Procrastination

Consequences – Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger and irritation toward myself and ‘the world’ because of my own procrastination and within this, having ‘wasted’ the time that I had when I had it to do this properly and instead, having to now rush things to make them ‘work’  – however I see and realize that I must be very aware of not going into a rushing state wherein I end up doing things just to ‘get them done’ and forgetting about realizing that each thing that I commit myself to do  requires the exact same amount of self-awareness here as breath to do it, and within this, committing myself to not just ‘get things done’ and get the ‘obstacle’ out of the way – in this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate my life to ‘getting things done’ and seeing the tasks and points that require direction as simple ‘points’ that I have to simply ‘get done and over with it’ without realizing that in this attitude toward my tasks and projects, I am in fact missing out the entire point of the task/ project in itself, which is actually an opportunity for me to slow down, stop seeing life as this series of projects and assignments and instead support me to realize that each and every single task I commit myself to I can take on as long as I am here as breath directing myself in every moment and within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within the consequential outflow of me now having more tasks to do and having ‘wasted the time’ before, I will have to simply be more strict with myself and my time frames, as I see and realize that if there is this ‘extra thing’ that I have been procrastinating to do, it must be done as soon as possible – and within this equate all things that I have to do appropriately.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the fear of ‘oh fuck I’ll be stuck here for another half year’ without realizing that I am not stuck and I created this for myself – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that any point of pressure and rush is created by me and the relationship I created toward moving to another place and finishing school but at the same time not wanting to simply get the whole thing done with the final paper, which I see and realize that the sabotage is only toward myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger toward myself and within this go into a pessimistic attitude toward it because I will not apparently be able to move in another half year, without realizing that if any consequences have to be faced, I will simply have to face them as they are and as long as it takes because there is no other way within this when one is subject to processes that I have no control over other than doing my part which is getting this document done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get pissed off when things go out of what I have initially considered they would go through/ as,  which implies having created a time frame for some other particular task, without realizing that I should have actually done this one written document long time ago and that it is my responsibility to now ensure that I use every bit of time to get to everything that I have to do, instead of wasting my time getting pissed off and irritated at everything and everyone because of my own dead corpse of procrastination.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energetic experience over procrastination as this further anxiety because ‘things are accumulating’ without realizing that I am the only one that is accumulating them as thoughts of what I have to do, instead of just doing it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to blame others for the decisions made and try and project my own anger and frustration toward me due to not having done the things that I had agreed to do a long time ago.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated because of having had music again the whole fucking day yesterday, wherein I go into a powerless mode because of not being able to go and shut people up so that I can have my peace and quietness to be able to write.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste another day and not write because of considering that the music/ noise from neighbors is absolutely irritating and impossible to write when having that constant sound.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even get irritated at someone arriving home earlier today and within this fearing that the noise will come through the interview and believe that ‘they should not fucking be here’ which is plain control-freak that wants peace and silence in order to please me and my ideals of having a quiet weekend.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up with a bad mood today because of things not going as I expected and within this, get irritated at everything, and everyone without considering that I am only acting out and lashing out my own energetic experience of anger and frustration for the accumulated procrastination toward points in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated because of things not being done according to how they were planned and agreed to be done, within this becoming inflexible and irritated because ‘things are not going the way that we decided and agreed to do them,’ without realizing that I am simply using this as an excuse to lash out and project my own irritation because of not having planed my life with my reality-responsibilities in order to be prepared and have everything done by now to then be absolutely ready and steadfast for anything that is required to be done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately neglect the consequences that I would have to face in real-time reality based on my procrastination to not get this particular scholar task done and within this, having to postpone everything else that I wanted to do for undefined time in order for me to ensure that I can in fact leave with having everything sorted out.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and my own departure based on my own procrastination due to me wanting to leave but at the same time creating deliberate obstacles in my reality that make it impossible for me to leave, even thought everything else is ready and the one that I am only waiting for is myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated at my own deliberate self-sabotage because ‘I knew what I was doing all the way’ and I didn’t stop, which places into perspective the actual Evil that we are and do to ourselves in order to make our lives more complicated simply because of accepting and allowing dishonesty from our side.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss breathing the moment that I simply get knowledge and information as having to ‘rush’ something without considering that any ‘rush’ can only exist as an energetic starting point to do things, which obviously always will carry out a consequences – thus

When and as I see myself rushing to do something and wanting to get it done as fast as possible – I stop and I breathe until I see that I am in fact being here stable and the movement within my physical body is not that of an anxious movement and strain, but is in fact a self-movement here as breath. Within this, realizing that I can only direct one point at a time and that I require to establish a routine that makes it practical and physically possible for me to do every single point every single day – and within this, also not accepting and allowing further manipulation to want to stop doing something to do that other thing, based on preferences or specific values given to one or another task, as I see and realize that that which will become part of my daily schedule, is all equally relevant and important.

 

Within this, I see and realize that the rush that I experienced this morning was because of having an unexpected notice and within this, having my little plans ruined because of believing that I would ‘still have time’ to work on this written project that I have been procrastinating, without realizing that such project should have been done by now and that the only way I will get this done is through simply doing it and stop whining about it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of this task this ‘huge’ obstacle in my reality based on and directly proportional to the amount of time I didn’t direct it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the consequences are for myself yes, but also toward everything and all – and that this is actually depending on me and how I am able to stop the energetic experience toward my own procrastination and simply focus on what is required to be done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience toward things going ‘out of plan’ without realizing that If I had in fact lived my life according to doing things in the time that I had also ‘planned’ to do, I would not be existing in such an energetic rush and anxiety because this is only the consequential outflow of my own procrastination and deliberate postponement to do things – the consequence is thus me having to simply do all things required without making an experience about it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thinking ‘I don’t want to see anyone today’ wherein I am simply wanting to lash out onto people in my reality what I am experiencing within me due to having to face the consequences of what I’ve done, which is unacceptable since that is how I have criticized people as well, when they behave in absolute anger and irritation to people without the other people they are communicating with having anything to do with the person’s mood and personal frustration/ anger/ irritation thus

 

When and as I see myself wanting to lash out and be irritated at people in my environment as a way to show and reveal that ‘I am pissed off at myself’ I stop  and I breathe – I realize that this is actually rather foolish and stupid to do since who we are is already the accumulated and manifested consequence of having wasted our lives and time in entertainment and the feel good experiences of the mind which are now here to be faced as the time that I could have used to work on my task/project/ document, instead of now existing as an energetic experience of anger toward ‘the world’ as a way for me to blame and exert my reactions instead of taking responsibility for them, which is unacceptable.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even get irritated by the presence of someone at home when it is supposed to be ‘all quiet and empty’ in order to satisfy my desires to have no noise around me, which has become a rather constant point of desire that I will surely have to get to, because it’s being also the source of anger and irritation because of people constantly playing music in the house or in the neighborhood, which makes it impossible for me to record interviews, but at the same time, I see that it is a point of me wanting to control my environment instead of realizing that I have no possibility of doing that, and that if I want absolute silence I then have to wake up in the middle of the night to have a relative silence around.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated at someone cleaning in the house which reveals the absolute nonsensical way of existing as the mind, since I would get pissed off if people do not clean and now I get pissed off because someone is cleaning and ‘making too much noise’ – within this I realize to what extent one can utilize anything, virtually ‘anything’ outside of oneself to blame and project anger toward without a cause but our own self-created experience of anger and irritation that is only existent within ourselves.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am becoming my father when it comes to being constantly irritated and angry when things are not working ‘my way’ and be an absolute ‘sweet and loving person’ when things are going my way, which reveals the absolute disparity that I am allowing within myself based on the external environment and how it suits my preferences and desires/needs, instead of seeing and realizing how I have to take responsibility for myself and what I have created within me also as these energetic experiences of anger and irritation according to wanting to control my world and having things always working ‘my way’ and within my desired ‘time frame,’ without realizing that I have already imposed too much of myself as self interest toward my day to day living.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another person as a reflection of myself to justify the anger and irritation as something ‘genetic’ without realizing that I also learned from looking at my father how he would go into anger and frustration and further retaliation toward others whenever things would not go his way, within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience frustration as that surge of energy that I am just waiting to lash out on others, so that others can be aware of me being angry and somehow seek some misery-is-company type of words and attitude as a confirmation to me being ‘right’ in getting angry

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my physical body throughout all of this and that I have not been diligent enough with myself in order to be breathing and Here as I direct points and situations, and that missing out on breath and missing out time and space that I could have used to work on my project is simply no longer here and that the only point I can do is giving it direction along with any other commitment  I have agreed upon doing. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get very sleepy as I write this and want to just shut down and go to sleep, without realizing that this is a defense mechanism in order for me to simply not continue realizing that this has been a key-aspect within my reality: how I have become this replica of what I would see my father do and that would actually bother me quite a bit, which is lashing out anger upon others and not taking self-responsibility for it. Thus

 

When and as I see myself wanting to lash out my anger toward others and not take responsibility for this single moment of preparing myself to ‘present’ myself in a particular way toward another being – I stop and I breathe  I realize that this is the moment wherein I have to ensure that I sort out and deal with my own reactions through self forgiveness and self corrective application as this is the only way wherein I ensure that I stop the abuse that I’ve imposed on myself as my reactions being passed onto others that certainly have nothing to do with it – and even if they did, I realize that I have to work on the point of not getting angry at them as an energetic experience, but simply point out something in common sense and at all times considering not only my own preferences and considerations, but what is best for all and within this, I realize that I cannot ‘know’ what’s best for all when I am existing in an energetic experience in my mind as within that I will only continue doing that which satisfies my energetic experience which  – as evil as it sounds – is wanting to intimidate and make other feel guilty for whatever reason, without realizing that this is certainly not the way to go, as I am only projecting onto others that which I am doing to myself /as myself.

I breathe – here and walk the points as required within Self Responsibility – I stop the blame and anger projected onto anything and anyone in my reality and assist and support myself instead to realize that there is only one solution to this all: just doing what is required to be done.

 

Self Corrective Statements and Self Commitments in the following post.

 

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188.Con-Sequence

Consequences of ProcrastinationWriting 

The manifested consequence of our creation is what we learn to face within this process  – and one would common sensically consider that because of knowing/ being aware of the potential harm, disruption, loss of integrity when deliberately participating in any thought, word and deed that we ‘know’ is not what best for all, we simply would stop doing it and stop the harm and self-abuse. Well, who we are as the mind is anything but common sensical or ‘sane’ within the logical sense of what sanity should be as a state of equilibrium at an organic/body and mind level. We are anything but that. While reading one of Heaven’s Journey to Life blogs I remember leaving a comment how I was a bit shocked when realizing that we Know what we are doing to ourselves, such as consuming our very life substance in order to create energetic experiences – yet we continue, yet we keep doing it even though the explanation is here on a golden platter for us to stand up and change.

I saw within myself also how the points that I’ve been able to definitely quit and stop and support myself to face the ‘withdrawal’ of were aspects wherein I made a firm decision to change. The moment I do not make this definitive decision, I know beforehand that I will use an excuse to not-change and kind of sneak in the pattern that I am ‘trying to stop’ because in the ‘trying’ there is no definitive action taken to decisively stop something. How on Earth have we managed to fool ourselves? To actually be abusing our lives, our living opportunities of expansion and growth even within the current ‘constrains’ of the system we live in, and simply allow ourselves to be ruled by apathy, by uselessness, by the sheer decision to ‘do it later’ which implies already deciding to do something else that sounds better to me than actually pushing myself to expand my current accepted and allowed automated response to only ‘go for’ that which sounds nice, enticing, comfortable, cozy even within my mind.

 

Now, the consequences… this is the part we really don’t want to face because it is all obviously to our own detriment and within the character walked so far, I realize the piece of self-sabotage masterpiece this has been.  I have also realized that I cannot victimize myself, make excuses, try to explain why I didn’t do it in a way that would sound ‘good’ at the ears of others – nope, I can’t like and all I have been able to say is ‘I have no excuse for that’ and even that sounds like cynicism based on me obviously having judged people in the past that would ‘blatantly’ accept their mistakes and faults and have  ‘nothing else to say’ because apparently, an excuse or justification would ‘soothe the consequence’ in some way, which is always stemming from this inherent human-mind desire of keeping ourselves on the ‘positive score’ of the game, even if everything goes to hell today we rather say ‘oh, but, you know, we did our best, we did everything we could, there was no way to change this’ – and cross our arms and hope to die probably.

Well, that which I see could happen at a global scale in terms of the procrastination we are accepting and allowing to sort out this world, the same I can see in the seemingly ‘unimportant’ points that I have procrastinated, deliberately ignoring the consequences and effect that this single point that I accepted and allowed to leave behind created as an effect in my overall beingness wherein it is rather difficult to pretend that everything is fine when there’s this corpse you’re dragging behind you and stinking every day a little bit more every time.

The consequences are both at a physical reality level and within my own ‘stance’ as a living being, because as we’ve explained before: if the sun refused to shine and postpone it’s glow today, life on Earth would not be possible, if the oxygen decided to withdraw itself from the atmosphere, take some ‘time out’ and come back in a week or so after a run through the universe, would life still be possible? No – and these are all obvious hypothetical points because it is simply not common sense to even conceive that a physical constancy in our world would procrastinate its function – the same applies to our physical body.

 

So, I see, realize and understand that every single judgment I had toward anything else not being fully applied and determined to change within others, must be absolutely reverted for me to face my own deliberate procrastination even though realizing and knowing/ being aware of the consequences. In my mind, it doesn’t make sense obviously to do something that will not be producing energy for it to create an experience about the moments that I am working on something – and this is precisely the ‘withdrawal’ process I see I have to face here – it’s going ‘better’ in terms of being able to spot the moments, however unless a definitive decision is made to stop walking the middle path, nothing will absolutely change/ be corrected.

 

I see and realize that within giving up on a single point and trying to hide/ suppress the actual experience toward it, it simply compounds until it becomes a literal burden on your back – so, this has been cool in order to spot the anxiety in relation to this, which would be automatically coming up in the seemingly unnoticeable moments wherein I would have the least ‘reminder’ of this point that I have to do – however since I’ve been actually working on it, the ‘benefit’ of this is also re-establishing myself as my directive principle which is one of the other dimensions of consequences that emerge when procrastinating: we stop existing as that immovable force that is able to ‘walk through it all’ simply because of allowing ourselves to be diminished and create an entire detrimental experience within one single point that we Know we are not ‘sorting out’ in our reality.

We cannot blame either, that’s just a be-lame act in order to not take responsibility for our actions, and I have walked that as well as it came through while walking all the other dimensions to this procrastination character that you can read from the first day here:
162. Either Do it or DIE

So, my suggestion within this is to give ourselves the necessary direction to commit ourselves to do and act and give direction to that which we have committed ourselves to be and do, to stop generating unnecessary consequences as I see and realize that it is Not required for us to go through hell and back to learn a lesson, that’s just white-light-dovey crap like the ‘paths of the soul’ for us to accept our own self-abuse as a ‘living lesson’ – No fucking way.

Within stopping the first moment wherein we see ourselves wanting to procrastinate, we are able to stop the entire sequence of events generated as a result of our own con wherein we opt for the ‘feel good’ experience instead of doing and working on that which we are aware must be directed and done.

 

Till Here No Further

Feelings and Procrastination

 

”More perspective on the points of feelings is that one tend to procrastinate because you feel good. But interestingly enough you have created those feel good feelings through your resonances through time so that you can trap yourselves so you never have to do anything. Because in-fact you are in constant fear and the only way that you don’t have to face your fear – which is everybody else in this world and the world system – is to create a feel good situation where you can justify why you are powerless and helpless to do anything about the situation in the world and that is how you delude yourself and deceive yourself to never actually take action and to accept the world the way it is, through happiness, feel good little feelings.
And obviously the world system in terms of money, and all the days like ‘Christmas’ and ‘Father’s day’ and ‘Mother’s day’ – all those kind of stuff is supporting your self delusions in keeping you trapped in it. And all the parent’s are teaching their children exactly the same traps so that they can feel good and even say, ‘I mean how dare you, let the child at least live and feel good while they’re alive’. Meantime, you have stolen that child’s life using the deception of feeling and energy.
Understand, the ‘Physical’ do not feel good. The ‘Physical’ will either have pain or no pain. That is all the physical feel. It’ll be either hot, cold – it’s simple physical things, that’s what the physical feel. That’s what’s Real.
One plus One Equals Two.” – Bernard Poolman 

 

So, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements on consequence to come…

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187. Personal Diversion Tactics to Procrastinate

Physical Dimension – Procrastination Character – Pains and discomfort at a physical level and participation in imagination/ positive thinking.

 

While I was working in the document, I could spot all of the following thoughts, distractions, desires and wants that would pop out of seemingly ‘nowhere’ according to the energetic imprint that I created toward that something in my reality – or even people for that matter which might seem odd but, I see clearly how the mind can literally grab on to anything in order to create a point of distraction to continue getting an energetic fix. This is because the act in itself of writing this document is not motivated by energy, and it is only a physical action while being correcting at the same time the resistances that I had created to actually get it done. So, while working on this, being here as breath is the physical support – but I did spot several points coming up besides the physical pains, and these are just examples of the ones that I was able to identify while working on it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the ‘thought’ of a movie that I wanted to download and watch while I was writing, and having the image of this single still picture of the movie that I saw on the internet, and for a split second thought of ‘going to download and watch it’ lol, which is absolutely absurd lolol since I am not even that ‘kin’ on watching movies– okay let’s see what’s this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entice myself with the curiosity and the expectation of me wanting to watch that movie ‘someday’ according to my own thoughts upon reading the movie’s review in that moment when I became aware of it a few months ago, and believing thus that I must now ‘find out what it is all about’ in order to quench my curiosity, which is only related to the process of distracting me from getting my written document done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having always given ‘head’ to that which I would rather want to do such as watching a video, hearing a song, seeking news about a particular movie/ concert/ artist in order to entertain myself for a moment, wherein then it would  simply be already ‘time to do something else’ and in that, lose perspective of everything that I had committed myself to do right before this ‘distracting thought’ emerged.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always have the thought of ‘oh just for one moment, one little distraction for these few minutes/ won’t take long’ wherein I usually do stop writing and go do that something else that came up in my mind, without realizing how it is that I have accepted and allowed myself to first get into the alternate dimension of thinking about that something ‘better to do,’ which is mostly linked to a positive experience, then direct myself to stop what I was doing and then go and do/ attend that something else in order to satisfy my curiosity and desire to do something else/ get away from the task, without realizing that in such seemingly ‘unimportant moment,’ I lost focus and sight on that which I was already doing such as writing, instead of remaining here as breath and simply Not following through with my desires.

 

When and as I see myself going into the thought of a movie, song, artist or anything else related to what I have deemed as ‘my entertainment’ in the moment that I am about to begin working with my written document / already working on it – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am allowing myself to be distracted by my own positive thinking in the form of things that ‘I enjoy reading/ watching/ listening’ as a stimulation to my senses to get a positive experience from it, instead of realizing that I am here to direct myself and work on this document, which certainly doesn’t require me to first have some ‘positive experience’ to then work on it, as I know how it always goes: ending up wasting time and then simply realizing that I have to do other stuff and ending up leaving this task for ‘some other time/ later’ which is not acceptable.

I commit myself to actually stop myself from going into the ‘feel good’ experience as a positive thinking type of action such as watching, hearing, reading something that I have defined as my positive experience and instead focus on that which I am here to do – focusing on breath to not participate in the enticing thoughts.

I commit myself to breathe.-out the initial excitement and expectation of me having for a moment decided to go into the positive experience as a way to realize that I would only fall for the fleeting momentary experience of excitement and enjoyment as an energetic experience and single distraction point that in no way support me to actually be focused and determined to get to my document.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suddenly have the thought of that person in my life that when I was writing about recreating ourselves as individuals and taking responsibility and went into the daydreaming fantasy point of this person finally understanding and aligning his life to what is best for all so that I could then go back into his life and within this, allowing myself to create a positive experience that became a diversion point from the moment of writing.

When and as I see myself deviating from the writing into a thought or experience based on a positive memory related to someone that I had created a positive energetic experience toward, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the image is based on desire and that I am the only one able to stop it – and furthermore, work with.

I commit myself to not brush aside these seemingly fleeting points/ moments such as having the thought of this or that person in my reality that I had created a particular either positive/ negative experience toward coming up in my mind, as this is clearly following a pattern of distraction and imaginary enticing experiences that I would usually follow through – and in this, support me to also work with ‘my desires’ in order to ensure that I am not binding myself to any person or point as an energetic relationship toward them/ it – but instead support me to be actually ready to face all aspects of my life that I have brushed off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience pain in my shoulder blades when I have begun reading the writing and figuring out my how to proceed and wanting to simply stop because of the pain and discomfort, without realizing that in this I am trying to make of the pain and discomfort the excuse, instead of realizing how I have created the problem as pain and discomfort myself for having given too much time to the mind and procrastination instead of assisting and supporting me to walk through the pain, breathing and committing myself to get things done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a burden on my upper back when realizing that there’s this ‘thing’ that I must get done as soon as possible and instead of going into working on it, I experience pain and discomfort about it, without realizing how I am within this giving into the future projections, backchat and looping around the thinking and internal conversations about the amount of time it will take, which I have in fact already squandered only on thinking about it instead of doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my chest constricting and almost having a difficulty to breathe with ease due to getting into the thinking-process of time and the guilt for having squandered time and as such, neglecting the consequences that I am manifesting immediately in my body and as a consequence of me having participated in procrastination for an extended period of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my body as jittery because of the suppressed anxiety in relation to procrastination, wherein the pain in the shoulders, the arms and the quivering sensation of the legs is an indication of me being reacting at a physical level in order to make me feel ‘bad’ and not work on actually getting things done, which is to the benefit of the mind continuing existing within its own functioning using the physical resources to charge itself as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to complain about the physical experience of dull pains and poignant pains experienced in my arms and shoulders as a burden in my physical, without realizing how I am the only one responsible for doing this to me, due to the amount of thinking and looping around one single point that I simply did not do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘stop doing this’ as a way to stop torturing myself, without realizing that this is precisely not the way to follow through, as I realize that the more that I procrastinate and stop doing the task or directing myself to do so, I am not giving myself a resolution and direction as self correction toward the physical experience, but instead accumulating yet another layer of procrastination wherein my physical body is the one that is experiencing it the most – and I am only doing it to myself.

When and as I see myself experiencing a general ‘not feeling well’ experience within my physical body and wanting to opt-out from it and doing it some other day/ later, I stop and I breathe – I recognize that this is a defense mechanism pattern that I have participated in in order to not get things done and simply feel bad, go to sleep/ rest and then move on to do something else, which is plain energetic self manipulation.

I commit myself to face the physical discomfort as part of the consequences of me having created an energetic experience toward this particular task and within this, assist and support myself to breathe through the pain, write out self forgiveness in the moment, speak it out loud and within this I assist and support myself to walk through the resistances as they come up, as I am realizing that I cannot continue ‘fooling’ myself in brushing off the reactions and limitations as experiences that I had previously victimized myself about when it came to pains and within this, it is me taking responsibility for myself, my body and my physical experience as I walk through my time loop.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever consider that being here and only breathing would be being too ‘lax’ toward myself, wherein I became used to talking myself into anxiety as a ‘rushing point’ to ‘get things done’ which is how when and as I am simply breathing, there’s this anxiety looming and wanting to come up even without particularly thinking about it, but it’s simply linked to the physical point of being working on something that I realize is a task and that ‘must be done’ no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a light headedness/ cloudiness on my head as I write and suddenly, a sharp pain on my chest emerges wherein I realize that I am fearing not having the ability to get this done/ not having what is required to do so, without realizing that the pains and the discomfort stem from the very thoughts that I accept and allow myself to participate in the moment that I don’t follow through/ continue with a physical application of doing things in my day to day living, but create a point of resistance toward this, without realizing that I have simply been missing deliberately focusing on breath while working on the task/ point to walk through.

When and as I see myself going into the cloudy-head experience linked to a sharp pain in my chest, I stop and I breathe –I stop participation in the least thought about me doing and directing myself within this task, as I have seen and realized the thoughts for what they are: simple distractions existent to only support my own mind possession at a physical level, to within this while being in such experience, make excuses to stop doing what I was doing and go into something else, which is precisely the point wherein I have to stop the pattern.

I realize that I have to actually support myself with reading other documents in order to also get further ideas on how to give it direction, as me wanting to do it ‘all alone’ and having no point of support is rather egotistical as well as in ‘wanting to do it all by myself’ and not using other people’s writings as references.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical body to such an extent that I was absolutely unaware of the physical strain and discomfort caused by the procrastination point due to the amount of time I spent thinking ‘walking in circles/ beating around the bush’ about it, wherein I realize my responsibility within realizing how I tend to want to simply ‘cover it up’ with a belief of me not ‘caring’ about it, however once that the physical experience is quite heavy, it is impossible to not care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my own physical body strain and experience wherein I have become a victim of my own thoughts and experiences that have been now felt at a physical level, wherein I then use this pain as an excuse to stop doing the actual work – being this a loop that must be stopped no matter how painful it is at a physical level – I’ve done this to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually be so used to things being so easy to me that I have actually simply followed a belief pattern of this ‘written work’ being something ‘difficult’ based on the stories I’ve heard from many other beings that would always make it seem as something ‘too difficult’ to do, which is not really so and within this,

When and as I see myself manipulating myself to believe that this document is actually too difficult to do and that I must even experience some ‘heaviness’ toward it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have brainwashed myself according to the stories I’ve heard from other people, not realizing how we as human beings tend to make it all seem either extra positive or extra negative in our minds in order to perpetuate an experience toward ourselves, our reality and tasks to do, instead of simply working on it, getting it done and moving on.

I realize and accept my capacity and determination to do something that should not be categorized any different to any other writing I am able to write and express as myself, breath by breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate getting to the procrastination character in itself, causing physical consequences of this as a permanent binding force to the past as this ‘something’ that ‘I have to do’ but allowed myself to simply brush it aside and continue perpetuating it with no further actual physical direction to it.

When and as I see myself wanting to brush aside an actual physical experience toward a point that I ‘know’ must be done and worked with, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the key of the moment to self-correct is here as the ‘brushing aside’ point, which is an indication from my mind of that which I am existing as a reaction to/ toward within an energetic experience, which is a plain notice for me to actually work on it in order to take responsibility for this point of separation in the moment.

When and as I see myself having a sharp experience of anxiety – I stop and I take a really deep breath – moving my arms up and down if necessary in order to bring myself back here as I realize that such energetic experience must be ‘sorted out’ through breathing consistently and persistently as an awareness of me here in the moment.

I commit myself to not procrastinate getting to write about the seemingly ‘unimportant experiences’ that I would tend to brush aside, and within this realize that the more immediate my application is in the moment, I am able to re-establish myself as a physical level with more ease.

This is thus a practical consideration within the procrastination character in relation to process, and how I see that the more time I allow to go by, the more I simply create an energetic experience that I compound every time that I simply ‘think’ about it, but not get directly to physically do it. Thus, I commit myself to give myself direction to get things done and work on my self application as this is the gift that I can give to myself, the stability and certainty of re-gaining my self-direction at a physical level and toward anything and all I direct myself to do.

 

I commit myself to stop my self-entertainment and also within this stop judging the usually-labeled ‘entertainment’ as media and anything else that we would usually spot as diversion points, without realizing how I have created my own personalized entertainment as the mind and within this, become my own broadcasting company of positive experiences that I would usually fall for –thus it is here to realize how in fact every single entertainment outside of ourselves is only reflecting the same relationships we have created toward others / things in our reality with energetic experiences. Thus it is to once again realize that we are the ones that have created the entertainment industry as our image and likeness.

 

To be continued with consequences and redefinitions.

 

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186.Physical Pains: I Did it to Myself

Physical Dimension – Procrastination Character – Pains and discomfort at a physical level – Part 1

 

I am about to open up my document and suddenly my eyes begin feeling a tad heavy, like I suddenly want to sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my eyes going heavy and suddenly feeling overall sleepy and wanting to go to bed/ rest the moment that I am opening my folder with the written document that I have to work with – wherein I have become possessed by the belief of me being ‘tired’ to do this, wanting to ‘rest for a while’ to continue, without realizing that there is no possible way to be tired as it is only the middle of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of me wanting to sleep/ being tired from last night as an excuse to not get into the writing due to my eyes feeling sore, without realizing that this is part of the physical possession that I have created along with the backchat and resistances to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must close my eyes for a moment before getting to the writing because I am apparently ‘tired’ which is not really so, it is physical consequence of me having participated extensively in procrastinating whenever I would get myself to the point of ‘going to write the document’ and simply ending up not doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my eyes cannot be open one more second and believe that I cannot possibly continue, without realizing that my eyes are perfectly ‘okay’ no matter how long I stare at a screen, thus the discomfort is part of the self-created burden/ tiredness and pain and discomfort in order to not direct myself to do what I have to do, which is the physical point of transcending the energetic experience at a physical level as a physical consequence of what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in within procrastination.

When and as I see myself having my eyes going heavy and dry and suddenly wanting to close my eyes and doze off for a moment – I stop, I take deep breath and I realize that I cannot possibly be tired and that this is only an excuse that I have created at a physical level in order to not get to this point of writing the document, which is how I see that the friction and conflict and background ‘worry’ that I have created as procrastination, generates or I generate within me a desire to simply ‘sleep it off’ to then forget about me directing this point in the moment, as I see and realize that it is in the best interest of the mind as myself to continue existing within this procrastination character to in fact always remain bound to this One Point that I have to do, which is what has been preventing me from being absolutely here in every moment of breath as a self directive being.

I realize that the desire to sleep has become a way for me to escape responsibilities wherein I trick myself within the belief that ‘I am too tired for this’ and that I cannot possibly continue, wherein I have actually tested out last night how it is a matter of breathing through the experience, even going out to take some fresh oxygen/ air and then continue working on whatever task I am focusing on.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the upper side of my back going heavy and my head becoming ‘cloudy’ the moment that I am sifting through the documents to open the latest version of the writing and going into a slight experience of anxiety because of realizing that I have to go through it all over again and read and write and correct it.

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety as the rush to open up the document within the starting point of wanting to ‘get over with it’ for once and for all, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to breathe here in every moment through and while things are being done/ moved and in this case me going through the documents in order to open up the writing document, and also within this, realize that the overwhelming experience of it being ‘too much to go through’ at once creates the anxiety due to ‘not having enough time’ which is only a self-imposed limitation to not work on it in the moment.

When and as I see myself becoming impatient while going through the documents to open it up and wanting to skip-read throughout it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that being here as the physical requires no rushing as there is no deadline to ‘match’ but it is only my self-imposed rush as the result of having procrastinated the point for far too long wherein I am attempting to ‘make up for it’ in one go, which is not impossible – yet not preferred as I realize that I would be dishonest to myself if I just complete this task to ‘get it done’ instead of assisting and supporting me to be here in and as everything that I participate in.

I commit myself to realize that the rush experienced even at the moment of beginning to work with the document is only the accumulated anxiety that I created as a suppression when procrastinating this task throughout time, thus I take responsibility for not continuing supporting the energetic experience at a physical level, I instead breathe through it until I am here again in stability to then continue working with the actual writing and reading, ensuring that I am not wanting to ‘skip through it’ in order to go faster/ get it done sooner as that would simply be once again going into the rush of the mind to ‘get it done.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start thinking about just going and listening to this one song and then I continue, which is a seemingly ‘innocent’ way of creating a diversion point, without realizing how it is in the moment when the thought comes up to ‘go and listen to this song/ watch this video’ that I have to stand absolutely clear here, take a deep breath and continue seeking the document/ opening it up/ reading through it no matter how ‘long’ it takes to do so. Within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own entertainment and diversion tactics as mind control in order to get distracted from doing this particular task, wherein I realize that the moment that I even allow myself to ponder whether doing it or not is already not being absolutely here as the physical, breathing and directing myself to do what I know must be done. I realize that this is the same as giving up any craving that I would experience with other things in my reality as an addiction, due to the fact that I have become so used to giving myself these ‘experience treats’ that are not good or bad per se, such as listening to music – however it is the relationship that I have formed toward that as a way to distract myself from getting to my writing what is the point to self forgive and correct, as I see and realize that there have been many, many times wherein I can simply drone out into the ‘zone’ of just watching this concert, video, interview or any music that I am entertained with in order to then make the point as a ‘waste of time,’ go into regret and then move onto doing something else that is required to be done, BUT not this particular specific task that I was aiming at from the very beginning.

When and as I see myself wanting to divert my attention to watch a music video, listen to a song, go through this website to see what’s new as entertainment while having made the decision to work on my document – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am creating a point of diversion that I must deliberately stop and continue directing myself to continue and work with the task itself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link this particular task which is writing to a sensation of discomfort on my chest which is actually a fear as the accumulated experience of having procrastinated it for ‘far too long’ and within this, being experiencing the result of my own consequence which was absolutely unnecessary if I had just directed myself appropriately – however there are no ‘ifs’ and ‘If I had just…’ as this is only a point to recognize that I can only give myself direction from this moment on and sure that I do not actually make the same mistake again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to begin complaining in my mind about the pains and physical discomfort I experience when beginning to read, wherein I believe that ‘I must take a rest because I’m not feeling well,’ without realizing that the physical pains and discomfort has been created by me due to having given all my attention to always end up procrastinating the writing, instead of actually breathing and simply doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause pain in the pit of my stomach, arms, upper back mostly in relation to me walking through the procrastination of writing this document wherein I believe that the ‘heaviness’ and ‘pain’ is just ‘too much to bear,’ without considering and realizing that this is my own process of actually facing the consequences of what I have done and created to myself as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always give into the heaviness experience and seemingly tiredness believing that it is ‘real’ without realizing that it is real as a consequence of what I have created and propitiated myself –

When and as I see myself diverting my attention toward the physical pains and discomfort as an obstacle for me to stop and not continue with writing the document, I stop and I breathe. I take responsibility for my own physical discomfort that has been created as a result of the accumulated experience of suppressing the task while using energy to ‘tamper’ it and evolving my stance as the mind in order to make it ‘all fine’ while neglecting the consequences that my physical body is actually experiencing as a result of me keeping this relationship toward this one point as an accumulated experience of procrastination.

I commit myself to start considering every moment that I participate in the mind as this single act of thinking creating and manifesting a physical consequence due to my ignorant participation in the mind and procrastination as an energetic experience that I tried and suppress, instead of actually standing up and taking responsibility and within this, stopping the reactions and further consequences experience at a physical level from this.

this will continue

 

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184:Angstxiety

Physical Dimension: Reactions to the negative thought of having to complete a task/ activity

Within the entire series of the procrastination character that began on day 162. Either Do it or DIE I’ve walked the fear, thought, imagination – then even a fantasy came out – backchat and the reactions toward all of these points in both a negative and a positive manner.

The title of this blog comes from the realization that angst means fear in Dutch and anxiety is what we experience as the physical experience of such fears which sounds then similar as one leading to the other, while in English, angst means ‘anxiety about the state of the world’ which is how I can identify I have become the anxious person for the most part while growing up, which I have been working on as well in the death and destruction blogs going into both anxiety and dread about it.

 

Within the physical dimension is to then see how it is that all of these dimensions end up manifesting as a physical possession – how? Well, the moment that we give into the thought and make it a physical habit within it, we are essentially confirming that yes, the thoughts, backchat, reactions, fears are in fact ‘who we are’ and that all of such mind-experiences are ‘true enough’ for us to then live them out in the physical. Hence it’s this physical dimension the one that certainly exists as a consequential outflow of all the previous accepted and allowed mind experiences as real, it is the ‘physical possessed time’ wherein we have already abdicated the directive principle of ourselves and we essentially become the embodiment of our own mind control – sounds familiar? Yes, essentially every moment that we are not here breathing and being aware of ourselves as the physical and ‘lose track’ of what we are in fact doing in that moment – because of only existing in a constant myriad of thoughts, pictures, backchats/ internal conversations – wherein we are then only feeding the experience further and further while missing out the entire point of this experience which is nothing else and nothing more but a self created dis-ease through thinking and having a positive or negative experience about something/ someone in our world and reality.

 

Within the procrastination character, I realize that the moment that I am about to get onto doing something/ directing myself to complete a task, there’s a pinch of anxiety that emerges, that has been ‘slowed down’ so to speak from the time when I was a younger girl and going through school and having all the basic nervousness symptoms of having gastritis, multiple headaches whenever an exam or a ‘something to do’ would emerge that I would consider was ‘ahead of me’ and being overtly apprehensive, always worrying about the outcome of my exams, worrying if I’d get the highest grade – even if I pretended that I didn’t care – always wanting to get to places on time and essentially being in constant fear of ‘not meeting my goals’ which I later on suppressed as I went growing up with an opposite character. Within this I must say that my mother’s words were supportive since she always made me see how futile it was to be seeking to be perfect and strain my physical body for it, plus hearing words that would allow me to see that I didn’t require to worry about it since I had an ability to walk through school without a problem – however, the origin of the anxiety was never seen or realized in fact. So, I will dedicate myself to tap more into the anxiety experience, which has diminished considerably in the past years since I began my process of self forgiveness and self honesty, however, it still comes out which indicates that there are points that I must obviously still work through it and the realization is that such anxiety has been present lately due to and directly linked to the procrastination character, wherein the moment that we create our own ‘procrastination hell’ we become the embodiment of such ‘unsorted load’ and generate an overall relationship of self-abuse which is pretty much experienced at a physical level.

I had that yesterday in three different moments and all related to being asked the question of when the hell am I going to finish school – well actually could be four, lol since I had several chats with different people and realized that I am the only one that is procrastinating this.

So as I write this, there’s a flow of heaviness as energy that is experienced in my arms and in the pit of my stomach, which is where we could say the solar plexus actually is.

So far the only way that I have been able to slow down in physical reality in terms of walking slower, not rushing to get to a place (unless strictly necessary, lol) and going ‘ahead of time’ in my mind when for example, meeting someone, going to a certain place where I will have to face people, even making phone calls would be a reason for me to get anxious, like wanting to ‘get over with it’ – which is a key point here ‘getting over with it’ as this point that must be simply ‘rushed’ and ‘finished’ in order to ‘get to the next point’ – I mean, that’s not living, that’s just being like a Ford-T line producer that’s simply tied and bound to a single task-doing reality where no actual Living takes place. Unfortunately yes, this is the reality for the majority of everyone in this world because every moment that we reduce life to a sequence of ‘tasks to be done’ we are certainly limiting ourselves extensively within our capacity to see life not as a birth-consume-reproduce-produce-consume-die type of cycle with all the highs and lows in between – there is definitely another way of going through life even if it’s filled with ‘stuff to do,’ as I have realized that the moment we measure our days based on ‘stuff to do’ we miss out the point of how each activity is an opportunity to expand ourselves. And where does anxiety fit into all of this? Nowhere, it is a self-created TIME-triggered fuckup. I actually see how I have used Time as an excuse obviously, but also as a constant ‘counting’ of my day wherein instead of being here. I mean, even the sole ‘measuring’ of the day implies that I define myself according to what I did and what I did not do, which is just creating another aspect to give myself credit/ discredit for as an ego. No, I can instead decide to live in a way that is fully functional in every moment, and this implies not being subject to the reactions experienced Over going into an alternate reality of thinking, judging, backchatting, imagining, reacting over it etc.

I realize that I have separated myself from the actual ‘art of living’ which should be related to self mastery that I had on purpose seen as something ‘ahead’ of myself, impossible, ‘not now’ type of thing, without realizing that within this, I was kind of then sort of Still expecting me to do some ‘regular fuckups’ to demonstrate that ‘I am still mortal’ instead of actually taking a decision to not continue to allow any belittling within myself and others – as belittling was definitely one of the first points I worked with in my process which has been so far, cool – however, the anxiety point demonstrates that there is still this ‘uncertainty’ within me, and yes, directly related to this ‘something that I have to do’ and ‘complete’ as an ‘achievement’ that I am separating myself from.

 

So the physical dimension of this entire outflow of procrastination has to do with the various symptoms that one would experience as ‘anxiety’ among other physical habits like standing up and just moving away from the computer when the time comes to complete a task, or direct myself to get some water/ peanuts or raisins – or going out, which is what I have walked already in previous blogs, or simply doing something else.

As I was reading Heaven’s Journey To Life yesterday, I realized that I have in fact activated the ‘I don’t care’ character as a defense mechanism to keep myself in ‘good stand’ in my mind for not doing the task I know  I have to complete. This character would come as a temporary ‘shut up’ to the anxiety experienced at a physical level. Oh man, how far have I gone to cover up fuckup after fuckup of simply procrastinating a single task? Is it necessary? Obviously NOT! However, it seems as if I deliberately placed myself in this situation to walk through it, which is plain absurd but it ‘makes sense’ from the perspective that I have simply made an accumulation of decisions that were linked to the ‘positive experiences’ that I would use as an excuse to not get to this task.

A side note for me as well is how horrible it is to experience ‘excitement’ or some energetic experience that one would consider as a general ‘positive experience.’ I became excited about – oh god here I go – one of my so-called ‘favorite bands’ releasing a new album after a long time and so I went into this excitement that became a Really uncomfortable experience after a while, to the extent that I experience like a hangover of it due to the expectation – which creates anxiety – and the activation of all the emotions and feelings linked to this music – yes both emotions and feelings since it’s the type of ‘drug’ as an experience that I would be the most addicted to, this type of sublime experiences wherein you are rather overwhelmed by the sounds that terrifies us in a way and at the same time becomes a nice experience. And that, my fellow droogies I will walk separately and later on post as I will continue walking the procrastination character, but I see how the entire experiences linked to music must also be debunked, because it is ‘hard’ for anything or anyone else to create an experience of this kind within me, it’s mostly linked to music and the load I have imprinted on memories to it.

 

And This, I realized I have been a ‘frequent participant’ of based on what I got to understand in the Quantum Mind Self Awareness 18 that I highly recommend to anyone pondering about the ‘negative’ and being having mostly a ‘high’ from all things negative. That’s the shortest way I can describe it, get it  and then you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

 

So, let’s breathe and I’ll begin walking the Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective statements on the following blogs. Thanks for reading

 

 

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181. Waiting for the Ideal Moment to Write

Another point is how I have seen how I have this idea that If I am working on something, I have to ‘shut down’ from anything else in order to just focus on this one single task to complete, no matter how long it takes – which is an aspect of my personality linked to being rather extremist when I commit myself to do something, and within this leaving behind/ not giving attention/ not maintaining the rest of my activities with proper attention. Somehow it is as if I want to ‘redeem’ myself, my initial procrastination and getting it done all the way, in one go – which is once again based on a consideration of the mind in me wanting to ‘make up for it’ instead of simply continuing to now do it on a regular basis.

This, as ‘seemingly unimportant’ as it might be, it actually constitutes one of the most used excuses and justifications to not work on this, because in my mind I have made this idea or belief that I must simply get it done in one go and not having to do ‘anything else BUT the task at hand’ – wherein things like ‘oh I won’t have time to eat’ and wanting to shut down any form of communication with others as if this was a distraction emerge, thus it is a recurrent thinking process wherein I hold this ‘ideal’ of having the time and disposition to do so. By ‘time’ I mean having an entire day or more of just having to focus on that, not having to do any other point of responsibility and essentially it’s like being secluded in order to ‘get it done,’ which is of course extremist and in separation of reality wherein if my body would for example make such drastic decisions such as ‘not wanting to digest my food for one day,’ I could have gotten ill or even died for that. Therefore, it is a mind-delusional requirement and almost a requisite that I’ve created as part of linking this particular writing to some ‘book writing’ and ‘being a writer’ as the ideal of not having to do Anything else but writing.

This is backchat that I mostly play out in a self-accepted manner in both ways: the ‘negative’ and the ‘positive’, meaning, that I’ve made it alright to simply drop a particular task for undefined amount of time and/ or go to the extreme of wanting to JUST dedicate myself absolutely and completely to that one single task to ‘get it done’ and forget about everything else, wherein I then create an experience of seeing ‘everything else’ as a nuisance and an obstacle to ‘achieve my aim’ – even within the wording we can see how there’s an energetic drive to it, wherein I am not really considering the process of writing myself as a self-supportive process, but mostly only following my own needs in relation to trying to ‘make up for it’ as the amount of time I did not regularly spent working on it – regularly being the solution here – and instead, go into the extreme of wanting to get it done as fast as possible.

However, the ‘thing’ that happens is that I end up only seeking for this ‘one whole day that I can dedicate myself to it to get it done’ and eventually not get to ‘that whole day’ as I have obviously several points to attend as my responsibility throughout the day.

The picture that came to mind is from that movie ‘the Hours’ and how the character of Virginia Wolf would spend her days in her room writing and not really having to attend anything else – or so I got that ‘idea’ from the movie of course – I remember my backchat within that was ‘How cool! She only has to focus on writing and have her cool time to go out for a walk (read the blog: 175. My Sacred Time of the Day) and just write and write and write’ awesome, I want to be like that! And so within this, I created this belief ever since then that, in order for me to focus on some ‘writing project’ I basically require the life of a ‘writer’ as I used to read about the lives of all these writers that I admired and how they would wake up really early to write and then follow throughout their day doing the same. So all of these and many more are background conditions, not to mention the ‘inspiration’ that I thought was required to write as well. So we can call these the ‘ideals for perfect writing time’ which are based on other people’s lives and conditions within what I have judged as an ‘easy life’ of simply having to indulge in writings and seemingly having others doing their responsibilities at hand, such as taking care of the house, making money or even taking care of children.

So, here I have the ‘ideal’ aspect which can form part of the imagination, however it is not that it comes up as an entire play out in itself, but more of a belief of how the external and internal conditions must be in order to write.

Self Forgiveness on the Fantasy that I’ve held as the Ideal Imaginary moment to write:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘I have to shut down from anything else in order to focus on this one single task to complete it, no matter how long it takes’ wherein I am seeking to have this one ‘empty-tasked’ day to do this, and every time that I have made it as a point to myself to do it in this or that day, I end up postponing simply because I cannot simply ‘unplug’ myself from my reality in order to have this ‘extended period of time’ to just focus on this. I realize that in my desire to fulfill and make up for the time that I did not regularly work on this document, I then go into the extreme of wanting to ‘solve it at once,’ without realizing that this is mostly impossible since everything requires a process and my exigencies of wanting to redeem myself toward this task will most certainly not be able to be fulfilled as easy as just wanting to have it done/ complete in one go – thus

When and as I see myself seeking and ‘looking forward’ for the next weekend to have an entire day wherein I can work on my document, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in this I am actually limiting my ability to work on the document for a fixed amount of time/ hours a day, instead of wanting to do it in one go as per mind’s exigencies and instead , proceed to work on it regularly for hours a day in order to realize that this is and will be part of the daily tasks and process that will be required until it is done – thus,

I commit myself to stop looking for an ‘empty task day’ to work on this document, as I realize that there are no such days and that I can simply direct myself to fix the hours of the day in order to work with this and within that, making it part of the daily habits that I must work on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this point ‘more’ than any other point in my every day living, wherein within this experience toward the document as it being ‘more’ than any other writing or task I have to do, I in fact ensue the separation toward actually doing it, because of believing that I require a lot of time and the proper ‘setting’ to do it, the proper ‘momentum’ which is nothing else but a mind-generated drive toward the tasks that I have at hand.

When and as I see myself going to extremes of thinking ‘Oh I won’t have time to eat today, I cannot keep myself in communication with others because they are a distraction’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that these statements and others indicating ‘stopping doing something else because of seeing it as a waste of time’ is only based on me now wanting to redeem myself, as ‘my time’ dedicated to this task that I simply put aside for a long period of time. Thus

I commit myself to not try and ‘make up for’ the time I didn’t work on something – I face the consequences within the realization that it will take the necessary time and process to get it done, while combining it with my every day tasks and responsibilities as I see and realize that the ‘ideal’ of wanting to have an entire day ‘just for that’ is simply not possible and within holding this ‘ideal’ I have mostly created my own obstacles in my mind – thus I assist and support myself to distribute my time in order to dedicate hours a day to this document and realize that I don’t have to ‘aim’ to complete it in one go, as that would be only wanting to keep myself in a positive-experience of ‘having done it,’ instead of walking the process of doing it just as any other task/ point in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having the life of ‘a writer’ wherein I had actually ‘dreamed’ and ‘fantasized’ quite a lot about being a writer and having a specific setting to ‘write’ and within this particular setting as a comfortable environment to write, I envisioned that I would require to be near nature and having no noise around me, having someone else cooking for me and doing my basic responsibilities and me simply being there, drinking coffee and writing and going for strolls around my own garden – lol – as I see and realize that even if this was a ‘made up illusion’ obviously, I do consider the point and aspect of having ‘no noise around’ as the ideal point that I have to Have in order to be able to ‘concentrate’/ focus on this task, which is why the least ‘noise’ is rather an excuse to postpone it and also because of not precisely living in ‘the country side’ but in a constantly noisy neighborhood in the city – thus,

When and as I see myself wanting to have this ‘perfect picture’ of the ideal moment, ideal place and conditions to write such as being near nature, having no noise around, having someone else doing my responsibilities, having a garden/ nature to walk around on, drinking lots of coffee and essentially having a picture-perfect room/ setting in order to write and be ‘comfortable’ within writing a particularly ‘long’ document –I stop and I breathe – I realize that these imagination pictures that I have created are based on a movie, and are based on my ‘ideals’ that in no way have a correlation to physical reality, as we all require food to eat, money to earn, relationships to attend and a world to be aware of essentially in order for that writing to be in itself even a writing, as what else could we write about if it wasn’t about our experiences and realizations within the ‘real world’ which is not always quiet, wherein one does not always live in a perfect country side, nor has someone else to pay for in order to do one’s responsibilities –thus, I stop participating within these ideals that only become a rather absurd obstacle for me to not write, as I see and realize that these conditions and ‘terms’ that I have created in order to feel ‘absolutely at ease’ to be writing this particular document, implies that I have made of this document something ‘more’ than myself and any other task and that I have created this belief that it must be ‘perfect’ and as such be written within a ‘perfect’ moment/ environment – thus

I commit myself to stop creating the beliefs that I must be in and require specific settings and inspiration in order to write, as I realize that these are just mind exigencies that I have created in my mind, which have become excuses to not get to a certain task simply because I would rather ‘wait’ for that perfect moment and setting wherein all is apparently ‘done and fine’ and so ‘I can write till I drop,’ which is obviously not realistic at all.

I commit myself to stop making an imagination point an excuse and justification for me to not work on something within the expectation of having possibly ‘in the future’ a ‘perfect moment’ to write, which doesn’t exist as I am actually able and capable of simply deciding to work on something and that is it, the work and written document is not dependent on a feeling, or an experience of ‘inspiration’ which is part of the mindfuckism that comes when thinking about writing a document that is not precisely self forgiveness or writing myself. I stop separating one writing as being more/ less than the other and focus on simply doing it.

 

More to come …

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180. Half way done

Within the procrastination point and seeing the number 180 reminded me of a  half circle when it comes to degrees,  and I see that one of the aspects that I have to take into consideration is how I reach a point within and while doing something where I simply suddenly just not follow through with it. This implies that I begin writing and then, the mind-imperialism over physical reality is allowed within me, creating enough excuses as to why I don’t want to ‘follow through’ with something.

And this is a ‘branch’ stemming from procrastination wherein during the moment that we are doing it, I simply decide that ‘it’s enough for now, let’s leave the rest for later/ tomorrow…’ and in that moment, I have actually made a decision based on any other point that will create a ‘better experience’ other than the aforementioned backchat in the ‘negative realm’ of experiences – which was disclosed in the previous blog 179. Apathy as result of High Expectations and instead go into the positive and think about all the ‘other things I should rather be doing.

 

– This is enough for now I rather leave the rest for later when I am more ‘feeling’ like I’m more suitable for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow and hold the backchat of ‘I rather save the rest for later’ when it comes to finishing a task or assignment – within this allowing me to create the experience and reaction of being ‘stuck’ with it, not knowing how to ‘follow through with it’ without realizing that these are just excuses and justifications in order to actually go and do that ‘something else’ that I have defined as a more suitable thing to do/ something I would rather do instead of continuing with my task.

When and as I see myself reacting in an experience of being ‘stuck’ with my writing and not knowing ‘how to follow through with it’ as backchat – I stop and I breathe – In such moments I can simply go back, read what I am writing, ensure that I bring the point back to ‘here’ that I began with, see where I am required to give it direction in terms of ‘following through with it’ and simply continue writing, as I see and realize that within the acceptance and allowance of this ‘stuckness’ as a real obstacle to not continue, I allow an emotional experience to dictate who I am in the moment of writing and getting my assignment/ task done – therefore,

I commit myself to breathe, read again what I am writing in order to continue up to the point where I stop and see what it is that I in fact faced in such moment that I decided to stop, apply self forgiveness for the decision to stop and the excuse that I gave in order to stop and within this assess in common sense how to continue doing the task or if it is in fact time to dedicate myself to my other tasks during the day.

Within this, the consideration of not wanting to do it all at once to ‘get over with it’ is required, in order to not make it an energetic drive to ‘get past the obstacle/ get it done as fast as possible’ which would also be going to the extreme where no actual self support is considered.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with immediate disposition to instead of writing going out for a walk, going to check out something else online instead of continuing doing the writing, which indicates that I am seeking to create a positive experience in the moment instead of doing the writing as the particular task/ assignment done, without realizing that the moment that I believe that I require a particular ‘drive’ to write is also enslaving myself to only write when ‘I feel like it’ which is beginning the writing with an impetus of positivity and then slowly but surely decaying into a ‘low’ that I then seek to step out by doing that ‘something else’ that I have defined as a positive experience, wherein I then react with a physical opening and dissipation of all heaviness experienced when ‘hitting the low’ at the moment of writing.

Thus, when and as I see myself coming up with something better to do and creating a positive experience such as immediate disposition to go out and be ‘steadfast’ for it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I don’t require an energetic input to get things done and that I cannot continue dividing tasks based on ‘how I feel’ about them, as this is the very indication that I am not being the directive principle, but instead I am allowing energy to be the decision maker within this.

I commit myself to continue writing and doing what I have established and decided to do in a moment without participating in thoughts that lead me to assess the moment as either a positive or negative experience, as I see and realize that writing is just me moving fingers on top of keys and that’s it – there is no requirement for a particular impetus/ drive or even motivation outside of myself to do so.

 

– “I don’t know how to follow through with this”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as being ‘stuck’ to continue writing and apparently ‘not knowing how to follow through’ which is a common limitation and restriction that I have imposed onto myself and my physical doing of writing as a mind experience wherein I believe that I required ‘some information’ to continue going, without realizing that all is actually already here and that I do not require to ‘get something outside of myself’ to continue – which is a common belief that I have participated in order to then just stop doing the writing and shift to a ‘better thing to do,’ leaving aside the task that must be done.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I require some information to continue going and within this create the experience of being ‘stuck’ within the writing in itself, I stop and I breathe – I realize that all that I require is already here as myself and as such, I stop participating in the thoughts that lead me to ‘better do something else’ and direct myself to continue living the word determination wherein I have agreed to complete that which I begin as part of the physical movement and realization that all the focus that I require is attention into this particular point to walk it to its completion and diligence as a persistent and continuous application to continue working on what I am already doing, such as writing, and stopping the need and desire to do something ‘better’ or ‘more fulfilling’ which is indicating that I am only seeking for a positive experience in my mind, which is not acceptable.

 

I commit myself to ‘remind’ myself as a point of support how I can only create an experience in my mind of ‘being stuck’ because of an actual desire to do something that is more ‘fulfilling’ at an energetic level – thus I stop and continue giving myself physical direction, breath by breath as the focus and diligence that I have committed myself to live as part of the realization that who I am is constantly here as breath, and that this  – along with my physical requirements to continue living – are the basic sustenance required in order for me to ‘follow through’ with my writing/ assignment/ task to be done.

 

Next post I’ll explore an ‘ideal’ state that I have discovered I have programmed in my mind as the ‘suitable conditions/ environment’ for me to write, which then become obviously an excuse to within not meeting this ‘requirement’ as the ‘suitable moment/ conditions to write,’ I simply continue procrastinating because of not meeting ‘my needs’ within it.

 

to be continued…

 

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