Tag Archives: A student

236. Perfect Slave with Badges of Honor

“from Intelligence to IntelliSENSE would be the process from knowledge and information, to commonsense practical reasoning” – Sunette Spies

 

Continuing from:

 

Self Forgiveness on the Intelligence Character:

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define intelligence according to ‘having good grades in school’ and being recognized as superior/  more than others for that.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link intelligence to responsibility within the context of how I developed this skill of being able to learn/memorize things and do the respective tasks/ assignments at school in a timely and precise manner which suited the character of being ‘intelligent and responsible’ within the context of school only, believing that I was in fact ‘intelligent’ and ‘responsible’ as form of special trait within me, without realizing they were just skills developed and used within only a particular field of my reality such as school, yet in terms of other aspect of myself I would not be responsible and would not be common sensical to question reality further than what I was taught about it, which proves then that intelligence was a self-belief fueled by others within my reality as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of self definition toward knowledge and information as ‘what I am good for’ in terms of working with it, memorizing it and as such due to how our school system is configured, the more you memorize stuff = the more intelligent you are considered – within this missing out an actual ability to discern what is of real value in this world as life and physicality, just because of learning how to cultivate and attain this ‘superiority’ of mind, that actually only serves the same system as the world system that is configured as our individual minds, within this supporting the inherent separation that we’ve become as fully fledged mind systems that disregard the physicality that we are as equality, learning to value life within the mind according to knowledge and information that later on becomes money to sell oneself within the system in order to be able to live – that’s what our knowledge and information has served then: energy and not life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, consider and believe that intelligence was a ‘positive trait’ within human beings as something that I had to cultivate, without ever being actually common sensical about this association and placing it within the context of how the world is functioning where no super-intelligent being has made use of such intelligence to present and promote solutions that could change the way we live and participate within this world, within an actual regard of what’s best for all. This is what must be now regarded as an actual intelligence as intelliSense that is able to be cultivated, promoted and integrated within human beings through us sharing how we have come to understand that we have never lived in common sense, but only followed knowledge and information as ‘who we are,’ separating ourselves from our own physicality and diminishing ourselves to be this limited version as a database that is functional within only a certain aspect in our reality. Not at all what Living Life should be about.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that such intelligence was dependent on the ability to memorize and how I created a relationship to memorize knowledge and information with certain ‘ease’ according to the environment and the conditions I was brought up in – For more explanation on this, hear the Quantum Mind Self Awareness Part 37 that explains how Language is formed and as such, what our ‘intelligence’ in fact is.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get excited every time that I would be able to absorb more knowledge and information within the belief that ‘the more I know/ memorize and accumulate, the More I am’ but not from a reality-understanding perspective, but just piling up the data of knowledge and information that we have to go through within our education and define myself according to it, within this creating a positive experience toward learning, which I also judged because I was supposed to ‘hate school’ as everyone else did, but I didn’t – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to copy the perspectives of people toward school/ learning as something that is not desirable, and creating an entire self definition according to ‘who I am’ as in secretly enjoying the accumulation of knowledge and information and build a self definition around it, while keeping an opposite façade toward my peers so that I would not be able to be called a nerd or any other name that is pejorative toward anyone that is ‘good’ in school.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place this ‘extra value’ toward who I am as this ‘intelligent character’ without realizing that it wasn’t really a ‘virtue’ but only knowledge and information that I had a certain ability to imprint/ memorize within myself, but, being also aware of how there was no practical application for that, other than getting ‘good grades’ in school and being able to explain how things work from what I read in books, which implies that all I have ever done as my supposed ‘intelligence’ was copying-pasting information in my mind to be able to use it as required – which, for that matter, we are all equally within this application as mind systems, wherein everything we do is out of memory that we’ve gotten from our parents and past generations, the environment itself with specific programmed patterns that we integrate at a physical level and simply ‘automate’ our living through that.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that anything that is knowledge and information can only exist as the mind consciousness system, as that part of me that I have delegated my actual physical hereness and self directive awareness to, wherein I have defined myself according to the ‘cultivation of knowledge’ as a prop for my own identity/ personality as ego – and within this, diminish myself to be ‘only good for one thing’ which was just being this ‘intelligent character’ while neglecting to cultivate/  apply myself within the aspects that I thought were simply ‘not my thing’ without even trying them out,  such as being one and equal with my physical and being more physical in my every day living, due to having cultivated my mind for the most part of my life. Hence

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as being ‘good’ for dealing/ handling with knowledge and information and any Mind-work and be sucking at/ bad/ not good enough for any Physical-work, not realizing this was the result of my own self belief played out as ‘who I am’ according to this inherent acceptance of every human being only being good at some things and not good at others, and blindly accept this as such and define good and bad according to my own belief of who I am toward certain activities.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to not question this ‘intelligence’ that I apparently had, and within this not ponder about the information that I was integrating within myself, which was only a limited perception of what we as mind systems have been able to depict and define about humanity and reality, believing that it is in fact so, believing it to be real, without realizing that all that I cultivated was myself as a mind consciousness system looking at itself as such,  but never as an actual physical being that can be absolutely self aware in every moment of breath – wherein one would not require to Know about reality through knowledge and information, but be here in self awareness and understanding all the relationships we hold as part of the whole.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that I had in fact a form of ‘gift’ for having this ‘ease’ with studies/ knowledge and information and its integration, without realizing that it was all just based on an ability to copy information, store it and then, speak it out.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be aware of this copy-speaking information at a certain level and compare myself to people that I deemed as ‘real intelligent people’ who were actually simply only doing the same mechanism, but veered toward other fields that I considered ‘beyond myself’ such as mathematics, physics and engineering which I believed were ‘superior’ than my so-called intelligence, which proves that even if one deems intelligence as part of one’s ability, there will always in the mind be a point of comparison to make oneself more or less than, invariably so, as in the mind one is seemingly never ‘good enough.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘bad’ whenever anyone would say ‘I want to be like you’ wherein I would mostly ask a non-existent god ‘but WHY can’t they also have it easy?’ yet at the same time, believing that I had this ‘gift’ for some miraculous reason and not question it further, not challenge it but only later on spite it, only to end up spiting myself of course.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use intelligence later on as a way to make up for all the other apparent flaws I had, such as lacking an actual physical condition that would be the most healthy or good looking according to the social standards, or being comfortable in socializing – which I only acquired later through association – but for the most part, believe that I could Not have it all, and that I had been given this ‘intelligence’ and that something had to be ‘flawed’ within me in return, such as struggling with accepting myself as my physical appearance, or not having a great physical conditions for sports of high impact and so forth – all of which became part of the limitations I accepted and allowed through family beliefs wherein I learned that we were ‘good’ for being ‘intelligent’ but we would suck at sports or any other outdoor physical activity, within this accepting such limitation as ‘real’ and later on actually living it out as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define and direct my life within this limited scope accepted and allowed self definition within the belief that ‘I am only good at being intelligent’  – and within that only, create this inner conflict within me based on ending up believing that I was intelligent in fact, and that I was not good at other aspects or fields even within knowledge and information in itself, which became thus a reduced point for me to believe that I was probably only good at being intelligent from the perspective of being mostly obeying the system and that’s it, which within this created a personality of responsibility linked to ‘being intelligent’ which is where my fuck up exists,

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within the desire to spite this so-called intelligence’ I ended up challenging it because of how I had been fed up with being only associated throughout my life to being this ‘intelligent and responsible person’ that I saw as utterly useless, since within me, there was a lot of inner conflict for not having been able to define who I really was outside of that character/abilities and as such, believing it was ‘unfair’ that I could only be valued for this limited ability to store knowledge and information and speak it out, therefore seeking for other ways to be recognized, praised by others in the opposite pole as in the emotional/ feeling aspect, which I why I deliberately veered toward an ‘artistic career’ and ditched any other expectations teachers, parents or anyone else had told me about such as opting for careers/ professions dealing with numbers, science or further ‘mind cultivation careers’ without realizing that everything in this world-system is currently existent as the mind in itself, therefore there is no point such as something being more ‘humane’ as I defined emotions/ feelings to be than a structural-knowledge and information career, since all that I really am was obviously disregarded within this equation, which is neglecting the physical.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place up a ‘high expectation’ on myself for being apparently this bright person and within this feed my specialness and uniqueness within and throughout my life, within this love/ hate relationship of wanting to be recognized as intelligent and at the same time, hate it because of only being reduced to that, which is just a conflictive-play out in my mind that is always existent whenever we define who we are as our mind and the mind thrives off of energy created through any form of friction and conflict that generates emotions and feelings. Within this creating a ‘depressed state’ because of realizing how I had this apparent flaw to establish personal relationships, because of only being perceived as this ‘intelligent responsible person that others feared’  and creating my own bubble of self-pity just as another entertainment and tunnel vision for myself while growing up.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to then seek to spite my own ‘intelligence’ by wanting to develop what I believed was ‘more human’ within me, which was all the emotional/feeling character that I deliberately started developing so that I could be identified more with a more ‘humane scope’ of who I am as these feelings and emotions as ‘sensitivity’ other than being only this rational or ‘intelligent’ person that can memorize stuff and get good grades in the schooling system. Within this, believing firmly that who I really was, were my emotions and feelings, which is how I cultivated this aspect a  lot in a deliberate manner, which is what I am walking as a process wherein I made decision in my life based on satisfying and fulfilling this ‘sensitivity character’  linked to an ‘artistic’ apparent trait.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that no matter which career or which ‘side’ I would cultivate ‘who I am’ in, it was all based on energy – either through the ‘logical/intellectual’ side and aspect as the ‘intelligent character’ or the other one as the ‘sensitive/humane’ character as all the emotional/feeling development that I built as ‘who I am’ – all were based on and as the mind in itself in both aspects that we tend to veer our lives around: being structural or expressive and creating an inner conflict about that, wherein I ended up ‘spiting’ the structural side, the logical/ intellectual/ knowledgeable side and opted to define me as the ‘expressive’ side, not realizing that in this decision, I never considered myself as the physical body in and as a Self-Equality, but only that which I would be able to ‘experience’ at a mind level, which proves how this system in its entirety has never in fact regarded physicality as who we are, since we are always veering toward one side or the other as self definitions in our mind, without even understanding how our very own physical body works, which should already have placed a massive question that I never asked in terms of why we are not self-aware of every single cell of our physical body and the rest of reality for that matter, proving to what extent such perceived intelligence was never ‘real’ as I accepted this entire world ‘as is,’ even if it created a point of inner conflict at times, I would simply let go of the conflict and focus on what I was able to grasp and integrate as ‘who I am’ as more knowledge and information.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still for some reason wanted to believe that I could hold on to this perceived ‘positive trait’ within me, which for that matter would be like wanting to hold on to my mind as this ego-personality that I’ve become to such an extent, that I have not been able to absolutely let go of it. I realize that we live in a system wherein the ability to store knowledge and information and speak about it is regarded as intelligence, and that it is thus my duty as part of my process to direct this ability to develop an actual common sensical understanding of life and living, wherein there is no knowledge and information per se  to memorize, but only understand the processes that lead us to be and become who we are, and within this, be able to transmit it, share it as part of the basic education that we will be living and actually Applying as part of our alignment to that which is Real as ourselves, as physical beings that are integrated with common sense as practical living skills that are applicable within understanding how reality works and as such, direct ourselves within that understanding toward a best for all outcome.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only believe that I was a system that can regurgitate knowledge and information and that probably that was ‘it’ for me, that was my task, in this – I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish the totality of who I am as a physical being, a part of this whole to a Very limited configuration of a mind system that exists as an energetic churning machine, that consumes physicality to be able to ‘run its course’ and believe that ‘that was all that I am’ and that I had to accept other ‘flaws’ within me because I had to apparently be grateful for being this ‘intelligent person.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the accumulation of memories of people saying that I was intelligent and ending up believing that I was in fact so, which is how we trap ourselves in lies and self definitions toward each other, instead of actually recognizing each other as the life that we really in fact are as equals, that physicality is not defined by a mind-configuration in itself but exists here as the innocence of what life should be, untainted by our energetic schemes that divide and separate ourselves from ourselves and from living in itself, limited to cultivating our minds only and forgetting even about breathing.

 

What type of intelligence is this that we’ve defined ourselves as where we can spend the days Thinking and not even being aware of being a breathing living human being?

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had some form of advantage within this process due to this so-called intelligence, which is really nothing else but being able to remember things with probably a bit of more ease, within the realization that it does not make oneself ‘more’ than others, it is just like others being able to have a perfect physical condition to run for a long time and I believe myself to be incapable of doing that, without realizing that all such points entail a physical training and practice – either cultivating the mind or physical activity – nothing is simply ‘magically’ here as a certain ability.

 

The proof of this is that if a kid was born between animals and that kid had no ability to develop memory in the way that a child would do within the ‘family environment’ as in having parents and school speaking words, experiences, and as such learning how to memorize the words, sounds, alphabet, etc. they would simply be considered as ‘not intelligent’ within the system standards, but probably that child would have learned practical skills to survive on their own within a particular environment, which proves that what we currently define as ‘intelligence’ is according to this configuration of the world based on knowledge and information that supports this entire limited-version of reality that we live in, which is then placing on a pedestal all people as walking knowledge and information databases that will enable the continuation of the same system in place, which is then where we as people that are becoming self aware of what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become, must stop the continuation of this superior/ special regard to all such knowledge and information that supports the ‘old system,’ and instead focus on walking our own integration of common sensical living wherein we Live the redefinition of intelligence to intellisense: from knowledge and information to a common sensical living awareness of ourselves as physical beings in a physical world, where no more knowledge and information, including our emotions and feelings, define ourselves and limit us between either sides of the poles, but equalize everything that we have been and become through these energetic associations toward our reality, which includes all our self-definitions that simply do not regard life or consider equality as who we really are.

 

“Intelligence is a programme of consciousness/the mind  that consist of and exist as the/a entire body of knowledge and information definitions about ourselves/ ‘who we are’ and our relationships towards ourselves, others and this world as a whole that in fact separate us from ourselves, each other and this world/physical existence. Because we’ve created relationships towards ourselves, others and this world through definitions/programmes within our Mind, and not in fact lived and actual real physical equality and oneness with ourselves, each other and this world. Intelligence is the programme/manifestation that actually separate us from establishing real/eternal relationships of physical equality and oneness” – Sunette Spies

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the relationship of myself toward myself through my mind only and in this, accept the limited scope of defining me as only knowledge and information that I Thought I was ‘good at handling,’ without realizing that in this, any form of actual common sense development was not cultivated, because of learning only through copying and pasting and remaining within the standards and frames of what was good/ right, making me more like the example of what a ‘perfect system’ within this system would be like: being responsible, not questioning further and doing everything I was asked to do. Perfect slave with badges of honor.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be aware to a certain extent of what a lie this intelligence was, but accept it because it ‘at least’ made me feel ‘more’ than others within my mind and create a point of specialness, uniqueness and stand as an example of how to be the perfect system for others to copy, which I believed was my role and simply had to play along, not questioning the actual hierarchical separation and segregation I was cultivating within this all, which is unacceptable to say the least since I only regarded ‘How I experienced myself as an intelligent/ non intelligent  person,’ disregarding the effect of accepting such character within the schooling system and those that had to be deemed as ‘inferior’ for me to be the ‘superior one.’

 

I breathe, I stabilize myself physically and walk through the manifested consequences due to my own accepted and allowed playing of characters without considering physical reality consequences.

 

More to come in the next blog, continuing dissecting this knowledgeable entity that I have dragged as ‘who I am’ and directing myself to equalize myself in all ways to my own physicality.

 

sytem me

 

 

Blogs:

 

Interviews:

Advertisements

235. Intelligence = Profitable Props for the Ego

 

“the Teacher know a lot of Knowledge and Information, that comes from books and sources, which they do not have Direct-Access to in as much as, Ensuring that what they are Teaching, is in fact the Truth. It All Depends on your Culture, and where you Find yourself in the World, as to What you’ll be Taught and what the Teacher will be Teaching. This Knowledge and Information will be Aligned with the current Social-System, and All Critical Thinking will be Aligned to Justify the Current Social System. So, is it then really, actually, Critical Thinking? With using Religion as the Justification why All Men cannot be Equal, Blaming God for Creating Man Unequal – makes the whole Point easy, to Imprint a most Strange thing: the Point of Competition. In Sales, this is called: “the point to watch for”, which is in fact a Distraction, because – while the Person’s focusing on “the point to watch for”, which is the Distraction like for instance, Competing in some form of Sport or in the Academic World, or just looking at the Teacher Performing the Act of Teaching: the Actual Education is happening in the Background, which is Pacifying the Child to Submit Completely to Authority and Control, and Accept the Current System and their lot in Life.” – Bernard Poolman*

 

If who I was defined within the system as ‘intelligent’ is measured by the above mentioned considerations, one can realize that I have only believed myself to be another ‘currency’ based on fake values within the system. I knew that every time anyone labeled me as ‘intelligent’ it was a lie I had I just learned early on to play the game of good grades, build a reputation and have it all go easily for me in school with some, what I can say, preprogrammed traits. I’ve written out some time ago about my decisions in life being based on ‘spiting’ this responsible/ intelligent character, mostly to avoid being seen as a nerd or simply an apparent intelligent person which I would mostly dislike due to the obvious separation/ inequality that it breeds, but at the same time ended up accepting as if I really just ‘that’ because everyone seemed to say so. ‘Cultural and Intelligent, she’ll get very high’ can be read in my ‘senior high school year book’ and there I was slightly smiling to a bright future, probably did get high but not in social ranks of any sort, mostly within my mind and using everything that I could to fly away from my responsibility as a human being, oh yes, that was my specialty and became my career, my bright way to ‘spite’ everyone’s expectations – yes, only did it to myself obviously.

 

But, was any of that real intelligence? I remember struggling a lot because I simply found it so easy to deal with information and learn stuff, and people would ask all the time ‘how do you do it’? or ‘I want to be like you!’ and I had no answer because it was just reading it and that’s it, so I would give a little explanation of how they could do the same that I would do: be responsible, do your homework, pay attention in class, read before the exam and that’s it. People thought I would study for hours on, lol, but as I’ve explained, I would spend those hours on absorbing images and sounds from the TV of which I am still finding every day it’s more of a chunk of old skin that I simply can’t shed so quickly, now that’s the real ingrained part of my ‘learning years’ as everything that I imprinted a LOT of emotions and feelings toward. School? Yes, knowledge and information, being  a ‘good student’ according to teachers and classmates forged within a school system that only regards what is ‘good/ excelling’ within its own little realm of a’s and b’s – 10’s and 9’s here, all indicators of how obedient one would be as a slave in the system. And yes here it is to understand that we STILL live in this system, so even when I was full aware of this in my last years of school, I kept my grades up just to have a cool curriculum within the system, which is what does matter at this stage – not that I actually ‘value’ myself as such grades.

 

To me it was pretty clear how getting A’s/ 10’s meant reward, I’d feel ‘bad’ every time my father would say I deserved something for it, I said I did it for myself, but would eventually end up extending my hand and getting some money for it, so that I could buy my own reward for being ‘such a good student,’ which became just a synonym for pride and show off from my parents to others, and our regular ‘reputation’ – I say ‘our’ because of my sisters being the same.  Yeah, responsibility and discipline, orderly were part of my inherited traits – does that make it ‘fair’ for everyone else? No, is it then a curse? Not either, it simply means that we’ve lived in an unequal way wherein some ‘got it easy’ and some are meant to suffer more in order to achieve similar results or at least the ‘closest’ to it, sometimes, that’s virtually impossible. Why? Because the system was inherently designed that way: no one was meant to be Perfect. I say ‘meant’ because it is preprogramming and an entire system of energetic systematic processes wherein no matter if you were ‘bright’ in some field of your life, another would be absolutely crap so that one would never be satisfied in all aspects of self, which was obviously my case as well. (for more understanding of how this reality works, read Understanding Reality on the various blogs and pins there)

 

I sure could stand on podiums and be the recognized as the ‘best student’ throughout all my school years… does that define who I am? That’s the point to investigate here – of course at face value I say No, but the mere resistance to say it as it is means that I had suppressed it because of being ‘ashamed’ of having played this sectarian hierarchical role within school, which is then indicating I still hold a relationship toward it of self-definition.  I am aware that such trait is not a physical ability as life is not about intelligence as the ability to parrot knowledge and information, but being able to discern reality within common sense and self honesty to act, do and say what’s best for all. And that I learned at Desteni, and that is available for everyone equally. This how I debunked the entire ‘carefully crafted’ self idea/ personality of mine wherein even my attempt to ‘spite my ego’ backfired with further confusion about reality and layers that I still have to walk as the reasons why I followed through a particular road and what was it that I attempted to avoid facing.

 

I’m grateful for al the education I had of course, otherwise I would not be here. I’m grateful within the understanding of how there is only a few chances in this world to be born in a condition and environment where we can get educated and even more so, be able to integrate it as the system preparation it is.

 

Each year that went by in kindergarten, I remember my teacher saying that I would go ‘getting loose’ because I had gotten there as the ‘strong’ one, the serious, responsible, and adamant when discussing with my mother how I wanted to go to school even if I was sick, just because that would make me ‘lose track’ and fear falling behind on my sticks and apples type of calligraphy lesson, lol. I am aware of me actually enjoying being more mischievous later on and using my reputation to my advantage: no one would figure out it was ‘me’ that could do anything wrong. I still find that quite annoying to say the least, and I appreciate anyone that takes the time to correct me in any possible way, it’s been counted times that I can say that in relation to my process and each point were vital to understand myself better – it only happened here at Desteni that people would take that point of support –  anywhere else it is as if you just have this ‘all access pass’ as some form of ‘godliness’ and no one dares to question you – hello, that’s how I was able to get ‘what I wanted’ only to regret it later because of the starting point of it obviously not being self honest. This is quite dangerous if such person loses any ground and then just flies on ‘autopilot’ with such ‘intelligent reputation’ fuel with no question – there’s no doubt that many people that have been graded as ‘A students’ end up involved in quite hectic situations while everyone can’t compute ‘But she was such a good girl, she was the most intelligent in her class, how could she do that? I don’t understand!’ 

This was not my case, but I am well aware of the potentials we all hold toward being an actual self-honest being and an actual self-dishonest nasty being if we cultivate that part equally. This is ‘our choice’ at the moment.

 

Now, looking at the big scope, we’ve all been living in such auto-pilot with No questioning to this so-called intelligence that is promoted, accepted and allowed in our school systems. I just debunked my own perceived ‘superiority’ and ‘specialness’ as a mix of learning how the system works, heritage and further playing-along with the character. Is any of it really who I am? No, since I can stop thinking and reproducing the knowledge and information that makes one ‘really intelligent’ within this current system.

Then, is this current system of knowledge and information of any real validity? Not really unless the knowledge and information is applicable data that Describes how reality functions and as such, it is no longer useless data but a form of comprehending our reality and within such  understanding, we are able to direct it within common sense.

Common Sense is what’s best for all. I require a human physical body and Be in it to realize what is real and what is the energized idea of self as ‘who I am’ as the ego. Could I live without water, food, shelter, sunlight, air, health support, clothes, general secure location to live in?  No. Could I live without all the knowledge and information acquired throughout the long list of schooling years. For the most part, yes, I require language to communicate and mathematics to understand how physical consequences pile up. I can learn more about how my mind works in one half our of an Eqafe recording than an entire year of studying basics in psychology, sociology or biology and that’s certainly not an exaggeration.

 

Hence, what I can conclude is that whatever idea/ belief people had about me would only perpetuate the accepted hierarchical positions that were promoted and supported by our teachers at school, by family and essentially on a social level you always had these ‘intelligent kids’ being gathered for further competitions to see who would win the position as ‘the most intelligent of them all,’ not to say that I imprinted the most anxiety in my body when having to be participating in any of that or English spelling contests for three years in a row, one never considers the amount of strain imposed when ‘all eyes are on you’ and you simply fear fucking it up as it did happen, and then you want to win because one has been told that that is the ‘greatest spot’ to be at, and then one realize that it was all really for nothing other than a pat on your back and a single thought in my head of ‘I won’ – just another prop for the ego –  yet the extreme stress experienced before and during the contest remains as an engraving in my physical body as a result of the extreme nervousness and anxiety,  memories that I would never want to repeat again. This was the limited scope of my world for a while.

Hence my association of intelligence with being in front of people, doing something/ saying something/ picking up some diploma which became like a broken record that others would want to experience, but every time I simply found it more and more pointless, just a stack of cardboard that I could burn out in a couple of seconds.

 

I guess that’s part of why I identified with one of the characters in Magnolia, this ‘bright kid’ I’m Quiz Kid Donnie Smith that is recognized by all and everyone believing that his wits would lead him to ‘guaranteed success’ in life and defined everything he was just because of That – yet he ends up seeing himself in a dog eat dog world where his wits lead him nowhere but being ‘misunderstood’ and ‘looking for love,’ which is pretty much what I did. I wanted to stop being conceived as this ‘bright piece of brain’ that people thought I was, I wanted guys to stop being scared of me so that I could be known for “who I really was” which was just this self created softy version of an emotional/ feeling  concoction that would rejoice with sadness, depression and yearning for bits of heaven in any possible way as my personal entertainment, just because I required some ‘conflict’ in my life’ – that’s what happens when your life is assured and you’re not striving for a living, panhandling or living on the streets or working 18 hours a day, one can focus on just cultivating massive mindfucks. Did I get what I wanted? I did, to a certain extent – did it solve the inner conflict? No, it only aggravated it till I had to face the consequences of everything that I accepted and allowed myself to be and become while ‘spiting my intelligent character.’ Now that’s what I call self-sabotage and one that I am walking till this very day.

 

Just a quick reminder: did I in any of this perceived ‘intelligence’ actually placed into application the skills learned at school’? was I aware of myself as a physical being? Did I regard all beings as equals at all levels? Did I ever considered veering such apparent intelligence to a ‘greater good,’? Self Honestly, not at all. Is intelligence in any way veered toward being at the service of those that do not present such apparent intelligence? Not at all, it is just one lucky trait as propos for your appraisal  in the ‘job market’ and escalate my elitist desired position of maybe doing some ‘good’ here and there, but mostly focusing on selling my wits to the greatest bidder. Again, please do not do what I did ‘spiting the system’ and wanting to ‘escape it,’ you’ll end nowhere and actually wasting a pretty cool opportunity to be In the system to change it.

 

So this is the behind the scenes of the perceived ‘intelligent being’ and the actual stress it represents having people talking to your ear about how much they despise you because of always getting everything right, or how much they wish you fuck up so that they can take your place, or how much they think you’re not normal and ‘don’t count’ when it comes to sharing their usual problems and inabilities to ‘make it’ within school. Has anyone ever placed themselves in the shoes of the few that have to endure such ‘high rank’ positions? Not really, hence this is supportive to walk since we tend to be so judgmental about those in ‘higher places’ but never look at all that which they also have to endure to maintain such positions, even if it is yes of course, inherently fucked that we have to exist in a world of highs and lows – but understanding how this works also leads to stopping judgments and instead, walking a process of self correction so that we no more harbor any form of sectarian attitude toward others based on their ‘traits’ as ‘who they are’ within the system of either a lower or higher position. Until we are equal, we’ll have to face each and every single accepted and allowed hierarchical value imposed upon Life.

 

Is a perceived positive trait all that I want to be? hell no, it’s not real as physicality and will be redefined to a living word, not a data base that consumes time and space that sells well in the system – but, who would we be in a world-system where there are no more ‘grades’ that define who you are? where there are no more ranking systems of who’s the best and who isn’t? Certainly it will already place a more equal stance between kids at school, it is widely ignored how these differentiation made between people according to ‘intelligence’ breeds the most conflict between peers, leading often to problems like bullying or extreme stress when having to keep up with the ‘peer pressure.’ Time to think outside of our protection mechanisms and so called ‘superior traits’ and equalize ourselves as the physicality that we really are.

 

To be continued with Self Forgiveness on the Intelligent word/character along with the necessary bubbles to burst as ingrained self-beliefs that I perpetuated as a ‘positive trait’ of who I am.

 

 

Blogs:

 

Interviews:


234. Feeling Weak Today?

Are Feel-Ill-ings Self Manipulation?

Continuing from:

Where have we gotten this idea of ‘having to project strength and security’ in the first place as a means to ‘be presentable’ in this world? It’s the same point as: who taught us to feel good about ‘doing good’ things? It is certainly through the indoctrination received from generation to generation through parents as we get ‘suited’ and ‘loaded’ to face the war zone that our reality as the world system has become. Presenting ourselves thus as the best suited in physical appearance, mental skills, social traits, virtues and any other charismatic trait assures you – or may I say ‘assured you’ – a place in the system that would regard you as special and unique for representing the ‘Ideal Persona’ that everyone wanted to be.

I got to live this from a certain perspective and I will walk this by all means to not obviously puff up my own ego-preprogrammed self-image, but to absolutely debunk it within the consideration of how the opposite of what I had to play was always a point of discomfort within me, which is not usually considered when the majority is the one ‘not getting anything right’ and there’s only a minority that ‘do everything right’ – but all of this right and wrong obviously based only within the context of this system that was settled to only function this way: only a few will obtain the grace of god as all the best positions in the world system, while the majority have to strive for that. This does not mean though that I actually ‘made it,’ I simply got to try out and live out what would be placed as an example for others, which became more than unsustainable, worrying, tiresome and obnoxious to say the least. This was also part of the character, which is why I lead myself to ‘spite the world’ which was only spiting myself, ending up eventually not following through any of the expectations that I had lead myself within, which is just as it should be, as all the past expectations were based within my past-mind set of Who I Believed Myself to Be = Not actually real, but only a literally frothed idea of myself that I knew was fake all along, but felt ‘nice’ to play it for a while – due to all the benefits and the props you get, blatantly saying ‘Ok I’ll take the heat for a while, it’s cool, I like it’ and neglecting reality for all the abuse that stems from accepting a single idea of ‘superiority’ in this world, no matter where, how or why.

 

This is how debunking oneself implies looking at the personality creation model based on this ‘strength’ point that I began discussing in my last post and then follow through to what I can see, became my own ‘survival of the fittest’ and how from that single stand point, anything and anyone becomes a point to guard/ oppose, support/ antagonize, want/ fear losing and as such, continue the same inner-conflict and battles to keep us having ‘inner conflicts’ about ‘who we are’ and so on, when everything that we already are is here as physical beings – lol, how could be so conflictive about ‘the who I am’ question if we are already HERE. ‘Who’ Is a being – any other configuration would only reinstall the same past-characters configured within and as the same system of abuse. Do we want to ‘stick to our guns’ then? No thank you, I am not willing to participate in anything that recreates a system of separation, differentiation through the imposition of fake values that are meant to sell life, not live it and honor it in Equality.

 

Here I go with the first part on ‘strength’

 

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements:

 

  • Memory that pops up:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create this idea of strength from the moment that I had to leave my parents in kindergarten the first day of school, and I saw all children crying and I simply ‘played the strong one’ as ‘the only one that didn’t cry’ and in this, marking what I would become throughout my school years: standing ‘above’ in my mind from the rest while at the same time, suppressing all the fears and anxiety experienced because of having to ‘stick to my guns’ of presenting such strength and self stability no matter what, hiding from others the turmoil experienced within me throughout my first school years, due to having to be sustaining/ maintaining this idea of self as ‘strong’ and ‘superior’ which I realize was only an energetic self-experience of Strength based on the survival of the fittest acquired mechanisms in the school system, learning to be ‘on top’ all the time but at the same ending up fearing losing such privileged position.

When and as I see myself fearing exposing a lack of ‘strength’ as this idea that I created of myself – I stop and I breathe – I realize that all the strength that I am is a self-movement that is not energy based or self-idea as the ego-past personality that I’ve been, but a single consideration that I have the necessary nutrients and money to survive, to keep my physical body ‘alive’ and that this is my actual strength as all the power that we have exists in every single breath – thus

 

  • Fear:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop this belief and self idea of strength stemming from actual fear of being abused or violated in any way which implies that all strength lived as a concept of ‘who I am’ was based on fear and as a safety/ protection mechanism as an energetic experience of superiority, never considering who I am as a physical being that does not require to ‘think strong’ in order to move and direct myself in every breath and regard this ability to do it as the actual physical strength that exists equally in all.

When and as I see myself believing and thinking that I lack strength/ I am not that strong today/ I feel weak/ someone stronger than me can do it – I stop and I breathe and realize my ability to move as that single breath in the physical which is where strength exists

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of strength a concept as a self-experience of being invincible and acting as an ‘I can do it all’ character in my mind,  that in no way considers the actual reality and physicality that I am, but only an idea of myself that represented a point of perceived superiority when compared to others, and within this believing that stepping down from such self-created belief of who I am as ‘strength’ would actually mean or imply a weakness, playing the same polarity that I learned to obey without any further questions and simply keeping this ‘ideal’ in my mind but never equated it to physical reality.

I realize that I would also go into ‘feeling bad’ for those that had it tough throughout school, but not doing anything either to question why only some people could be ‘on top’ and the majority was ‘below’ the high-ranks of what a ‘good student’ should be, which is a point that I linked to strength, separating myself from strength as my physicality as every breath.

When and as I see myself believing that stopping playing ‘strong’ means a ‘weakness’ and actually playing out the ‘weakness’ as who I am  – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just me complying to my self created beliefs and personalities going from positive to negative and back again, without realizing that who I really am is not defined by being strong or superior, nor weak or inferior – but physically here as everyone else wherein all our power and strength is able to be lived in every moment of breath – thus I stick to my commitment of living physically here as the strength that allows me to move, communicate, live and essentially Be a living being.

 

    • Self Belief:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that I could be ‘strong’ for certain activities/ duties but ‘weak’ for others, and in this, always defining myself ‘liking’ to do what I perceived myself to be strong for, while evading and avoiding anything else that I believed myself to be incapable of living out – due to my own limitations – wherein I realize that I was the only one that followed my own protocol of what I was supposed to do and contain myself within such bubble of being ‘good’ and ‘strong’ for some activities and be ‘weak’/ not good enough for others.

 

I realize that we have all contributed to this separation of ourselves as the physical within definitions of pros and cons, believing that we would Never be able to be a sound-being because that was always portrayed as something ‘beyond’ our capability. Which is How I came to react to words like perfectionism or being extremely effective, wherein I separated myself from such words believing that they were too elusive for me to ever be able to embody.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to even within the idea/ belief of ‘strength’ placed on apparent intellectual abilities, I feared losing such strength and defined myself by lacking strength in other areas in my life, which proves that no matter ‘how’ I perceived myself to be within one area of my life as ‘the best,’ I continued with the ‘inherent flawed’ inner conflict within other aspects of myself such as lacking physical strength or lacking abilities to relate myself to many people –as I thought I had to do – or the perfect image presentation that I pursued in my mind for the purpose of satisfying the relationship stereotype that I believed I wanted – and all of this, creating a massive inner conflict that lead me nowhere but believing that the was actually ‘something wrong’ with me, which is what we have all blatantly accepted and allowed of ourselves as ‘who we are’ without a question.

 

I realize that this is unacceptable since every single self-acceptance of self-diminishment as being ‘weak’ or ‘inferior’ or ‘not good enough’ is recreating and reinstalling the same patterns of self abuse that we have collectively supported as ‘who we are’ within this world system where life has never been considered equal, but only diminished ourselves to these limited ‘models’ that could be sold according to some traits and skills that can be useful for further profiting schemes – therefore, there has never been an actual role model promoted in our society that considers life in equality which is why we are here as Destonians to be and become the example of what it is to equalize ourselves as physical beings, stopping all delusions of lack as experiences in the mind and focus on solving the physical problems in reality of actual Lack which is for example, lacking food to eat, lacking water to drink and have proper hygiene, lacking vocabulary and basic skills to live, lacking parental support, lacking compassion for others to place ourselves in the shoes of those that actually Lack money simply to make it in this world, that lack a place to live and as such, their weakness is real as thin bodies that lack nutrients to survive – that is real weakness that exists as a result of our mind-delusions seeking ‘strength’ as ‘power’ and ‘superiority’ while missing out the physicality and reality of what is here wherein we are simply not regarding each other as equals – and that in itself, is already showing to what extent any possible ‘positive trait’ can only be founded upon abuse.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project an idea of strength as a way to perpetuate what I believe I must ‘hold on to’ as an idea of myself within this system, wherein I had played the role of the ‘role model’ in certain aspects which became unsustainable and a point of inner conflict because of realizing that it was only based upon fake values within a system that was only imposed and followed and bought– therefore, actually not being able to ‘follow through’ with the lie of myself as such character – which is how everything has to ‘fall down’ and just like the tower that must be debunked – all must go before the new can emerge – thus I realize that I cannot hold on to any single ‘trait’ that I had as an Idea of myself that was not yet integrated as the physicality as who I am.

This does not mean now denying or opposing or avoiding ‘strength’ or anything like that, this only means aligning myself to a physical consideration of strength that is not an Effort – and this I worked actually in my Desteni I Process and remember very well how I had written the word ‘effort’ and my buddy said to change the effort word for Physical ability as the movement required to move things/ direct things in a specific direction/ outcome.

We can see how it is an ability that is ‘available’ for all as part of our self-movement – it is not then based on energy, which means, it cannot exist as an Idea of myself based on past experiences such as ‘keeping up to my ground’ and being ‘courageous’ but mostly out of fear – thus

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold backchat such as ‘I can do it, I can do it all’ placing an overload within myself to believe that I could ‘take it all’ and come out ‘victorious’ as I had always done throughout my life, wherein no matter what I would always ‘make it,’ which is something that I took for granted and actually became detrimental to understand what real effort is and implies, specifically once that you are no longer in a ranking system such as school where you can be praised for having some preprogrammed wits, but when it comes to physical reality none of that is of actual substance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project strength as something ‘superior’ than myself and as such ‘live up to it’ through utilizing energy as self-talk and self-definitions instead of regarding the physicality of myself as that constant and continuous realization of strength as who I am.

 

When and as I see myself talking to myself believing that ‘I can do it all’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a self-positive-talk based on past patterns wherein I would always be able to ‘make it’ – or at least that’s the belief that I guarded as myself – and instead realize that there is no such platform for me to always ‘have it easy’ and as such, real effort, real self direction is required. And this is where any Idea of myself as ‘strong’ must be debunked in order to establish a real physical consideration of strength as breath, here, physically.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold backchat such as ‘I am not strong enough to go through that’ or ‘I don’t feel strong today/ I feel weak’ wherein I am accepting and allowing energy to direct me instead of me realizing that all strength is existent here as breath as the physical.

 

When and as I see myself self-talking myself about being ‘weak’ or not being ‘strong enough today,’ I stop and I breathe – I stand up and physically ground myself to realize that all ideas of ‘weakness’ are only energetic leeches I’ve fed in my own mind and as such, ground myself as the physical breathing and understanding such breath as my actual strength in every moment.

 

  • Reaction:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in discomfort and general haziness whenever I am not fully here as the physical strength of breath and as such, reacting within ‘giving up’ modes which can only exist due to having the time and ability to ‘give up’ because I am not in a survival mode – which implies one thing: Giving up is only an elitist act of self indulgence wherein I realize that people working 18 hours a day give up committing suicide due to lacking actual strength to keep going due to being malnourished and lacking any actual self-motivation to live, as how can that be a ‘life’ when living as a slave –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in ‘weakness’ and ‘powerlessness’ while taking for granted everything that I have as an actual platform for me to move and be consistent her as breath, as the physical strength that I really am.

 

When and as I see myself reacting in ‘powerlessness’ and ‘hopelessness’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that in this experience I am only fueling energy as the result of the friction and conflict in my mind. Thus I direct myself to Stop all self diminishing within the understanding that I am only propitiating a continuation of an inner cycle in my mind as an energetic experience of ups and downs, which is not acceptable.

I commit myself to realize and bring myself back to Earth to be aware of the opportunity I have, the time available, the physical integrity that I exist as in order to move myself to my fullest potential that is nothing elusive or separate from me, but a point I commit myself to realize and integrate as a constant living realization of who I really am in the physical.

 

 

  • Physical Dimension:
    • Positive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘play strong’ as in walking with more tension in my physical body in a self-conscious manner projected toward others as a sense of superiority/ strength, which proves that while being alone I don’t require to play these characters but it only exists as a personality created toward ‘others’ as general people in my environment when stepping into the world  – so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use words that I have defined as strength, as a way to ‘keep my stance’ which comes through as a sense of imposition or intolerance – this means that whenever I am not fully clear as myself when writing, I project this idea of strength through energy instead of directing myself in common sense.

 

When and as I see myself ‘playing strong’ around others through standing very straight But with a tension in my body – not breathing properly but being self-conscious in the mind toward others – I stop and I breathe – I allow myself to go back to that fluidity and comfort that I realize I am able to exist as whenever I am physically here moving and walking, which is what actually being here is about – any tension experienced, I flag point it, look at my thinking, what did I see, what came up from ‘nowhere’ in the mind, what did I hear, what did I remember –  as these are all basic points that can lead me to change my stance and physical beingness here in one moment – thus

I commit myself to be breathing and fully aware of the least physical change as a slight tension wherein I play out the ‘strength’ character out of fearing facing something-someone – and as such, take responsibility for it through writing, self forgiveness, self corrective application.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to write something that sounds ‘strong’ in order to impose a sense of authority through energy as I write it, I stop and I breathe – this is where I have to give myself a moment to not rush into this protection mechanism of portraying ‘strength’ through words, but instead, allow myself to asses the situation and come back to it after a few breaths or moving around to see the point for what It is and give it direction while being stable- here as breath. This is to ensure that all that I speak is actually physically here and not just a quick mechanism to protect myself or others from what I perceive as an attack to which I have to ‘defend myself’ from.

 

I realize that I can only play the game of wanting to ‘defend’ myself if I regard my own self as something that can be ‘abused’ or ‘violated’ or ‘brought down’ by words that others may express toward myself or others. Thus I commit myself to realize the words strength as the ability to move and be directive as who I am and exist as in physicality, not a concept.

 

I also realize that there is no real ‘positive physical experience’ as it is stemming from blatant fear to present this sense of superiority and ‘togetherness’ in physical presentation.

 

    • negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slouch and have eyes all droopy-down whenever I feel weak and get to a point of even creating an experience of actual muscular weakness sensation wherein I simply don’t want to move because of believing that ‘I am not strong enough today,’ without realizing the level of abuse and self manipulation that exists within this, only to victimize ourselves to not be readily here every moment in a sound state that is always here whenever we stick to physicality.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing any form of energetic ‘weakness’ as a perceived ‘lack of strength’ – I stop and I breathe – I bring myself to the actual living strength of myself here as breath, as the physical and move. Breathe out the experience until I am aware that my eyes are no longer ‘down/ droopy’ and I am not deliberately slouching as a way to send a signal ‘I feel like shit today’ which is not acceptable as that is an indication of clear mind possession.

 

I commit myself to stop all mind possessions the moment that I start experiencing a ‘weakness’ energetic experience, which usually leads to a ‘giving up’ in the moment. I assist and support myself to stick to physicality and breath as the actual power and strength I really am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out this ‘ideal’ of strength based on knowledge and information linked to ‘intelligence’ within what is currently understood as intelligence, responsibility and ‘courage’ which was all stemming from being defense mechanisms and preprogrammed traits that I believed was in fact ‘who I am,’ without realizing that any self definition existent as knowledge and information at a mind level are not sustainable/ are not real as the physical thus

I commit myself to live the definition of strength as the physical ability to move and direct myself to a defined direction/ outcome/ to do that which I propose myself to do and be here as breath as the only and actual ‘fuel’ that I require to continue and do it.

 

I realize that the ‘roots’ that I had as ‘strength’ were not real, since they were based upon a self-belief of ‘who I am’ within the world-system as the values I perceived myself to be/ have which in no way stood in alignment to the physicality of who I really am as equal as everyone, as the actual strength that is an ability and capability within all equally.

 

I realize that any belief of ‘lacking strength’/ not being strong enough is actually self-manipulation to not actually just ‘do it’ and step out of the inner turmoil of mind-fixes as energetic experiences that in no way mean an actual self-realization of the physicality that is constantly here as breath, as the real power that we all are and exist as.

 

Directing such strength as a diligent self movement is the commitment, so that no ‘wavering’ occur and if it does occur, I immediately investigate it without leaving further ‘space’ to ‘try and find it out later’ – as that is what only keeps a point of suppression leading to further consequences in the mind and in my physical reality as in ‘not moving’ effectively.

 

 

Further self-exploration writing:

2012 Self-Religion: The Tower of the Fool

 

To Be Continued

 

Desteni

Desteni Lite Process

Equal Money System

Journey To Life Blogs

Floating around

Blogs:

 

Interviews:

 

Vlog:


%d bloggers like this: