Tag Archives: accurate

185. Anxiety over Time

 

Anxiety is one of the physical consequences within the procrastination character – here I explore anxiety in relation to time, memories of anxiety linked with having to complete tasks or a specific ideal of ‘who I have to be’ in order to remain within the accepted and allowed self-imposed standards of being efficient, steadfast and accurate in what I do.

Physical Dimensions of Procrastination – Reaction of Anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the experience of quivering and energetic churning in my solar plexus, extending throughout my body as all my limbs and believe that I must ‘act’ upon this experience to make it stop, without realizing that it is just the movement of energy that is throughout my body as the consequential outflow of me having created an experience toward my reality as emotions, feelings, thoughts which are only existent to generate conflict and friction within me.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety within my physical body, I stop and I breathe until the energy dissipates and I ensure that I am bringing myself here back to the physical, wherein I then rewind the moment to see what did I see, what was I thinking, what single thought emerged within me that caused me this energetic physical experience, as I see and realize that it won’t go away just by ‘breathing’ through it, but that the core and starting point of it must be clarified within me in order to take responsibility for the relationship of energy that I created toward something/ someone in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I see that I am ‘missing out’ on doing something, which is usually linked to being procrastinating a particular task wherein the single thought of ‘task’ to be completed, triggers this inner experience within me that is felt in the pit of my stomach. I realize that it is a Lot more subtle than the ‘anxiety attacks’ I would get years ago, however, it is still existent as this minute ‘bomb’ that I experience as a burst of energy that quickly fades in the solar plexus area – however, the energetic experience is still linked to me ‘knowing’ that I have to do something and me believing that ‘I don’t have enough time for it,’ which is an excuse that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘rush’ the experience of anxiety with, believing that it must be ‘done now’ and within this statement, binding myself to time instead of giving myself a practical direction to establish a moment of the day to dedicate to my task/ project to complete.

 

When and as I see myself having the thought of ‘task’ and then backchatting ‘I don’t have enough time’ – I stop and I breathe until the experience of the anxiety in the ‘pit of my stomach’ dissipates as I ensure that I return the energy back to the physical through in-out breath – as I bring myself here back to physical stability, I give myself direction in that moment to proceed to work on the task/ arrange my other tasks so that I ensure I do work on it today.

 

I realize that this energetic experience of anxiety is directly linked to ‘time’ as this ever-looming haunting presence wherein I have made of time an enemy without even wanting to realize it, thus I stop defining my day according to ‘time’ but instead direct me to move in every moment according to tasks/ points that must be completed – that way I stop binding myself to time, and work on physical reality here in every moment, ensuring I take on each point breath-by—breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so ‘used to’ the experience of anxiety that I have managed to simply shove it aside for a moment, and believe that I could ‘live with it’ or the remains of it as this not-so overwhelming experience as it used to be, but this little tiny energetic outbursts after these years of being stopping what I called as ‘nervousness’ which was actually anxiety,  and that it was ‘part of myself’ as something that could not be entirely ‘stopped’ which is me limiting myself to my full ability to remain here as the absolute physical breath and stability that I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of anxiety a physical experience that I defined as my own ‘alarm’ to move on and pay attention to what was required to do, wherein I would experience anxiety whenever I was expected to move ‘fast’ and do things ‘quickly’ in order to maintain a certain expectation of my ‘performance’ within specific tasks, specifically stemming from the relationship with my father, that I’ve walked through several blogs as an example 103. Being efficient out of Fear! wherein I realized that this desire to ‘match’ my father’s perceived efficiency would cause me to get into anxiety the same way that I would observe him be and do wherein, even if he would react in anger and anxiety to direct things, everything would always work out perfectly – or so I believed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require anxiety to perform a task, to get things done as an ‘alarm’ or ‘warning’ that there is something I must ‘get to do’ and within my own ‘rebellion’ toward my own patterns – foolishly so – I created a laxity toward this wherein I did not precisely write self forgiveness on the experience of anxiety and its origin, but tried to simply ‘breathe through it’ without actually understanding how I created the pattern myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the memory of my father rushing us all to be ready to leave the house or do a particular ‘move’ wherein I perceived his own anxiety and demanding force for everyone to just hurry and move and get out of the house in order to leave, and me creating this experience within me of what I can refer to as anxiety within the belief that moving fast/ going out of the house immediately and essentially performing any task or something that is required of me to do, has to be done with this experience at a physical level of anxiety.

Therefore, I see and realize that I have programmed myself to believe that doing something ‘out of the ordinary’ or that which I am regularly comfortable with, must have an anxiety experience toward it accompanied with a sense of rush and steadfastness that is not physical only, but always accompanied with a mix of nervousness and anxiety as the expectation of something that would happen and that I would not know how to ‘control’ or what to ‘expect’ in such situations, which is how I believed that experiencing the ‘tickling’ throughout my body was a normal physical reaction to expectations, future projections, doing something out of my regular ‘doings,’ or being specifically called out by my name to move/ do something, requires anxiety for me to ‘wake up.’

 

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety when I am about to do a task or remember about doing it or being asked by my name to do something , I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me re-enacting that first experience of rushing/ fear/ anxiety and nervousness when I was asked to do something that I was uncertain about in relation to the point being ‘familiar’ or ‘known’ for me to Know what to expect – which is then realizing that I don’t require to have control of or be expecting something specific when dealing with a situation, when getting myself to perform a task, when going somewhere and meeting someone unknown to me as events wherein within my awareness have no reference to.

 

I commit  myself to realize that I don’t require anxiety in order to move and that it is certainly Not a normal experience whenever I am about to direct myself to perform a task, to go somewhere, meet someone, or I am simply asked to do something that I believe I am not ‘ready for.’ I realize that the readiness and steadfastness exists as who I am here as the physical breath by breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I go into a future projection of being in a situation wherein I am not ‘reaching my goal’ or ‘achieving what I expected’ or ‘fulfilling another’s expectations upon me,’ which is how I allowed myself to become the anxious and steadfast person based on the belief that I did not want to be as ‘slow’ as my sisters or mother, and within that, wanting to be ‘liked’ by my father for always being as ready, steadfast, accurate and efficient as I have perceived him to be. Within this, accepting his anxiety and usual anger as means o give direction to something or someone in a proper manner, within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I required to experience anxiety within me in order to move, do things efficiently and even more so, when directing others also having to exert anger within my desire to have everyone and everything just functioning and working the exact same way that I want it to be – wherein if something did not go out as I ‘have intended to’ I would go into absolute nervous breakdown.  In this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get anxious at the thought of that still image of me in the classroom in second grade and simply losing my focus on that ‘mental calculation’ exercise wherein we have to go making immediate multiplications and just writing down the result and me missing out one of them and so suddenly going into this extreme fear and anxiety because I saw everyone else was simply following through and ‘I’ had lost it and within this an immediate overwhelming experience rushed to my head as me not getting an ‘A’ /or 10 as it is qualified here – and within this, missing out my ‘perfection’ at that stage which was the time when I was overtly apprehensive about my reputation in school as an ‘A’ student. Thus I began crying and simply lost it, which was a way for me to also want to create a justification as in ‘poor girl, she’s crying, let’s do it all again for her,’ as a point of manipulation in order for me to have a ‘second chance,’ which obviously didn’t happen and I didn’t get a good grade and that’s how it remained as a memory to ‘keep’ due to the extensive amount of anxiety that lead to crying and the embarrassment for crying and for missing out on the exercise at the eyes of my entire class.

Within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety due to projecting onto others thoughts and beliefs of them thinking that I have simply ‘lost it’ as in missing out on the most simple stuff and within this, fearing to be stupid or dumb in that moment, which stood as an opposite of the image that I would ‘work so hard’ to maintain which was being the straight-A flawless student.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I believe that I am ‘losing my perfection’ wherein after the experiences throughout childhood of being overtly apprehensive with school, I became more ‘relaxed’ about it in order to show to others that I wasn’t as ‘apprehensive with school,’ wherein eventually it developed to the point I am facing today which is the ‘I don’t care’ character stemming from that initial stage in my life of extensive anxiety and apprehension toward school and doing everything ‘perfectly’ – o the point where I believe that ‘I don’t care’ however, always maintaining almost immaculate curriculum and within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety as a suppressed way to not look at what must be done, but instead seeing it as me ‘missing out/ losing my position’ in relation to any point/ task/ project that I have to complete, thus

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety as the accumulation of me having had this expectation of myself as being always ‘perfect’ and ‘right’ in and throughout school, generating this idea that I must then continue that personality and that because I am not moving myself to do so, I require anxiety to move as a way to generate fear within me to move myself – but! because it meets with my newly upgraded character of the apprehensive mutated into the ‘I don’t care,’ the anxiety is quieted down and immediately-instantly suppressed with an ‘I don’t care’ experience which is then creating a thought or come up with something for me to do in order to make it alright for me to not do things – thus  I see that this single play out of experience requires stopping both the anxiety and the cover up experience to the anxiety as ‘I don’t care’ in order to simply move physically and get things done.

 

I commit myself to stop waiting for me to experience a thought and anxiety afterward related to ‘doing the task’ as a way to move myself and within this, stopping the cover up experience of ‘I don’t care’ and leaving it for later – as I see and realize that as long as I continue making it ‘okay’ to save it for later, I continue the indecision and lack of self direction in one moment here, wherein I realize that I only require to make the decision and live it out as myself.

 

There’s more to come in relation to anxiety, ‘big projects’ or tasks and my looming experience that comes when thinking that ‘I have to do something’ but then going into anxiety, suppress it and continue doing something else wherein no self-movement is then occurring.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety at the moment for thinking ‘all the stuff I have to do after I post this blog’ and immediately wanting to rush to publish and ‘get done with it’ wherein I then start blaming myself for taking the time to work on the cooking process earlier and within this not prioritizing my time – thus,

When and as I see myself wanting to rush and get anxious to post my blog, I stop and I breathe until I redistribute the anxiety experience throughout my body and out through breathing, and then I realize that I require to be more directive during mornings like today wherein I can simply go straight to the writing to then focus on answering mails and everything else that must be done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be rubbing my feet within the anxiety experience wherein I have become so used to the rubbing of my feet as a physical indication of anxiety and nervousness upon the realization that ‘I am behind’ something and I must ‘hurry’ as if rubbing my feet would somehow expedite the process as a constant friction experienced as the act of rubbing my feet one against the other.

When and as I see myself rubbing my feet together as a way to externalize the anxiety as the friction I am experiencing inside me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I don’t require to externalize a point of literal friction within me outside as rubbing my feet one against the other in a constant manner, as I can instead stop the anxiety from the beginning and within this

I commit myself to breathe and slow down every single moment that I see the slightest emergence of anxiety as myself as a rushing point to ‘get it done,’ and also stopping the imagination and projection of doing things ‘right away after I’m done with this,’ as it is an indication of dimensional shifts that I am participating in, wherein I am not being fully here as the finishing of the blog itself, but already wanting to ‘finish it up/ get it done’ so that it is posted, without realizing that I have been the only one that has set this ‘time’ limitation to my tasks.

Instead, I direct myself to simply make use of my time effectively wherein I see that there is no point in limiting myself according to ‘time’ but rather ensure that I work-on and direct points that are required to be directed moment by moment – one after the other – ensuring that throughout the process, I am here as breath.

I commit myself to breathe consciously and in full hereness, stopping whatever I am doing, until I can stand and ensure that I am no longer being ‘subject to’ anxiety, as I see and realize that whenever I try to only ‘cover up’ anxiety, it becomes just this something that is placed aside without really focusing on identifying the origin point and within this supporting myself physically to breathe through it until all energy is dissipated and I take responsibility for whatever is causing the anxiety within me.

I commit myself to realize that who I am is stable here as the physical and that I require no energetic experience to move myself and direct myself as I have just seen and realize how I am able to breathe through the experience until the energy dissipates and I am here stable as self.

I commit myself to ensure that I breathe until all muscles of my physical body are not tense and I experience breath being comfortably here as myself.

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103. Being efficient out of Fear!

This is a continuation of the past post:

102: Communication Noise: Parental Communication

This is to see how an entire character was formed from participating in a positive polarity toward everything that I would do with my father, whereas I would judge as negative everything that I would do with my mother. Hence all attributes that I saw within my father in my mind became ‘the positive’ to experience whereas everything related to mother became ‘the negative’ that I had to ensure I would not become equal to, as that would mean being essentially ineffective to live in the system of money. Yes, sir, fear of survival as a childhood imprint in such a seemingly ‘innocent’ event such as going to the supermarket. 

Here I walk the memory of how I would generally experience myself throughout an entire event – going to the supermarket alone with my father – which I have stored as a positive experience due to the sense of ‘liberation’ that I would get from being able to do things ‘fast and accurate’ with my father, wherein the ‘slowness’ of my mother would not tamper our hyper-act of buying as if there was something/ someone chasing after us.

 

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say ‘yes’ to do something based on a memory of doing that something being generally fun and a time to spend with my father alone, which I had identified as a cool opportunity to do things fast which I have associated with something positive in my life

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am enjoying a moment with my father based on doing things that are generally things that we would not do if we were going out with my mother as well, which means that all my starting point of enjoying a moment with my father is based on doing everything that my mother would apparently not allow us to do such as speeding in the car.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to be like my father in terms of being meticulous, accurate, disciplined and generally fast to do things, which is something that I have associated as a positive experience within me, which is linked to how this entire world system appreciates ‘speed’ as a general positive attribute due to how it contributes to earning the most in the least time possible, which I see then how I lived this when and while growing up/ going to school wherein all forms of discipline are essentially created in order to get used to a world system wherein time means money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generally consider that I enjoyed being more with my father because we both agreed that my mother was rather slow and ‘inefficient’ according to our judgments, which is how we would team up in order to go to the supermarket and get things done as fast as possible, while the usual spoken backchat was in relation to how If we would have gone with my mother/his wife, we would have stayed there for hours instead, as way to exemplify how he was ‘more efficient’ than my mother.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider my father’s routine as something positive, because through routines a form of trust is developed, wherein you believe that the person will always remain ‘safe in their bounds’ which is a positive attribute according to the system that is based on creating patterns in people to keep everyone safely entertained/ occupied within their own lives, not looking at reality and what is going on in the ‘greater picture.’

 

I realize that I had in essence been a fervent fan of all types of systematic indoctrination, just because I was brought up in a way wherein rules, regulations and terms became a focal aspect within me, wherein I cultivated a sense of ‘correctness’ as a form of proud, which I can see I copied and learned from my father – whereas my mother represented the ‘cheating’ aspect of the system, the ‘less rigid’ version of a human being in this world system.

 

Thus, through me establishing a positive experience toward my father or general inclination toward him, I aligned myself to the system as a ‘positive experience’ based on the ideals of efficiency and accuracy that I had defined him to be.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to agree to his suggestion on ‘me having to be/ become like him,’ implying that I had to avoid becoming like my mother representing the ‘negative aspect’ as the inefficiency/ inaccuracy within the system’s perspective which I then vowed to antagonize within the consideration that whatever was presented by and as the system’s rules and regulations was in fact ‘what’s best for me,’ hence developing a polarized association between my father and mother which lead me to an unequal relationship with them based on ‘who I wanted to be’ within the system, which at the time when I was a child was more associated with becoming someone successful and powerful within the financial world/ economics / banking skills as that’s what I was playing with as a child.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get a positive experience out of the fear that I would usually experience with my father’s meticulous approach to everything he did, wherein I would essentially in my mind be fearful of fucking things up yet at the same time getting a positive experience out of it, which is what has been explained in Heaven’s Journey to Life  wherein we also get a positive experience out of fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate a relationship of fear toward beings that I perceived as being ‘more accurate’ than me in practical-physical points such as going to the supermarket in no time and getting everything done in a fast and accurate way, which I have associated with a positive experience, which is what I sought in a partner as well: to be like my father in terms of being meticulous, accurate, clean, precise and confident with a certain rush at all times to do everything, which is what manifested to the T with a long relationship that I had without every really seeing or realizing that I had in fact gotten so used to his character because it was in essence almost identical to my father’s character.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also experience fear whenever I was being told how to do things, fearing being fucking everything up which is how I experienced myself with my father when going to the supermarket and being told how to place things on the cart, how to go isle by isle looking for things, how to not stand as an obstacle in front of people, how to hurry yet not be clumsy when moving.

 

I realize that I in fact would experience such tension and fear that it became a positive experience for me, which is the reason why I would immediately decide to go with my father to the supermarket- same with friend/ partner going out with him wherever he had to go, because of enjoying that general constant tension of rushing and getting things done in ‘no time’ with them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel dumb when being told how to do things, which was part of me fearing becoming like my mother whom I had judged as clumsy, slow and ineffective without realizing that this is just a polarity manifestation that I created in order to have a constant point of friction as inclination and rejection toward my parents in means of just keeping a point of conflict in place within my life, to keep me in separation of my mother.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience toward my father talking to himself about the products that he had to get, which I found quite cool and generally ‘crazy’ for an adult his age, which would make me laugh and also see how he acted in a generally ‘odd manner’ that I found amusing, later on catching myself doing the same things and loading the entire super market character, just because of how I had identified this general rush in the supermarket as a positive experience.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a general positive experience to orderly and high speed buying of groceries, wherein I never questioned why we were rushing anyways if we were heading home, if rushing would in no way make any substantial difference to our day – but instead because of how I had walked the entire process of ‘rushing’ to go to the supermarket as a general ‘tonality’ for the experience, I never questioned it, and I simply rode the wave of tension, anxiety, and general fear at times when going out with my father, feeling slightly uncomfortable in fear of not doing something right or as accurate as he expected me to be and do – however I was willing to learn how to be like him at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing things the wrong way as that would generate anger and frustration within him, which I would judge then as a negative experience that I had to avoid at all cost – thus I made sure that I remained ‘in line’ with everything he did and doing ‘my best’ to please him in my every move in coordination with him, when for example taking the products out of the trolley and organizing them according to the type of product they were on the band so that the cashier would have it easy to pass them through the scan/ registry machine – within this doing ‘my best’ out of fear essentially.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider it amicable and generally ‘nice’ to pick up a conversation with the cashier in order to apparently ‘smooth things out,’ which implies that I had associated that point as a counter act to what I would perceive as a tension point which is standing in the queue to pay and having to get everything in bags ready to go, which is obviously only a belief system that I created based on how I would observe my father going into a higher tension when having to pay and then getting everything ready to leave/ storm out the place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience out of going to the supermarket with my father based on the general conceptions and associations of speed, effectiveness and accuracy as something ‘positive’ in this world, which I then wanted to be a part of even if that involved having to go through tension, anxiety, fear and general stress/ tension that would be created within me throughout the supermarket experience with my father.

This allows me to see and confirm how I was in essence having a positive experience out of situations of self-abuse, as for me to exist in such stress, anxiety and fear, I had to consume my physicality to power such adrenaline which stems from fear – thus ‘going to the supermarket’ was like going on a rollercoaster ride.

 

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Self corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself automatically saying ‘Yes’ to someone in relation to going somewhere specific, I stop and I breathe – I allow myself to look again at the motivation for it and if I find a positive experience being created in my mind – such as the experience I would get when being asked to go to the supermarket with my father, I realize that such positive input for an activity is not here as self but based on memories –therefore I stop and allow myself to reconsider whether I actually want to participate or not in a particular event or activity.

 

When and as I see myself believing and perceiving that I am in fact having a ‘good time’ as a positive experience, I stop and I breathe- I realize that for example enjoyment had been a separate way in which I would perceive that I liked doing something with someone based on the premise of being opposing something/ someone that represented a limitation and a point of judgment within me –thus I realize how my life experience had been based upon me having a good time according to the past which is not me here in fact enjoying myself doing something – with or without someone – without it being an actual unconditional experience of myself in the moment.

 

When and as I see myself considering fast speed as something effective, accurate and positive within how to do/ conduct things in my reality – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have associated this according to how I was taught that being fast, accurate and doing things as quickly as possible represented an opportunity for me to excel and succeed in the system, wherein in a contraposition, being slow, inefficient, lazy and generally relaxed was something that I deemed as negative and associated to something that I should avoid mimicking in terms of the parental roles that each one of my parents played. Thus I realize that both polarities were created in my mind in order to have a point of preference and a point of friction in my reality, which indicates that non of them are real decisions lived in self-honesty but based on past memories and conditions applied to my every day living.

 

Thus I commit myself to establish new patterns within me and my every day living that are in fact based on a self-realization process of what is best for all and how I can practically and efficiently direct myself – this means that I no longer require to ‘load’ the idea of who I am in relation to father and mother as a positive and negative input according to how I structured myself as my memories, but instead allow me to build myself a platform of self support that stands in accordance to the consideration of breathing, walking moment by moment in specificity and self-discipline wherein I do not require to rush to get through things, nor do I get to the point of not moving at all, but create a point of consistency and stability with a practical living application day by day.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘stick to my routine’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the positive experience I identify myself with a routine that works is part of preserving the past as ‘who I am’ instead of simply realizing that I can direct myself in every moment effectively without requiring to hold a ‘routine’ as a creed that must be respected no matter what, which is what leads to being inflexible and rather constricted in our reality. Thus I allow myself to establish basic aspects that I can incorporate in my everyday living – such as responsibilities, practical tasks and moments of self enjoyment – wherein I allow myself to expand and explore ways in which I can direct my day to day living without making it my religion and creed to follow.

 

I realize that I can trust myself according to how I live my activities throughout the day and that according to how I go establishing myself as a the directive principle of every moment and every ‘task’ throughout my day, I can establish myself as my own point of self-trust that doesn’t require a immovable routine to do things, but instead become directive in every moment with its flexibility in order to not limit myself throughout the day.

 

When and as I see myself getting a positive experience out of ‘following rules’ and ‘sticking to the system’s principles’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is an experience acquired throughout childhood wherein all things that stick to the norm I regarded as positive and all things that went ‘out’ of the norm, I regarded as negative.

 

Thus I see and realize that I do not have to follow ‘the system’ as a positive experience, but instead realize the practical points that I require to do and direct in every moment, without creating a positive experience out of it, while fearing going into the absolute opposite which I would then fear ‘falling into,’ which is how being obedient, being complacent and ‘responsible’ toward the system was based on fear and never as an actual understanding of self-direction, as I feared being corruptive, lazy, slow and inefficient in everything I did, which is how then everything positive that I did had an underlying fear of going to the exact opposite as motivation factor.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to do something for the level of ‘precision’ they represent and me immediately ‘jumping onto it,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am in fact making such decision based on actually fearing not being ‘fast enough’ or ‘accurate enough’ to continue and perpetuate such personality/ character as ‘the efficient one’ that was built and wrought when and as I would get along with my father, fearing ending up being the exact opposite as my mother which are the basic polarities that I struggled with throughout my life, going to the extremes because I had not established my own parameters to follow as self-direction for myself according to what I see is common sensical and what’s best for all.

 

When and as I see myself being deliberately meticulous and specific with something or someone – I stop and I breathe – I ensure that I am not acting from memories of the past wherein such dedication was charged with fear and as such becoming an eerily enjoyable experience based on the amount of fear and tension involved within me conducting myself in a particular task. Thus I direct myself to move myself according to how I am able to do things moment by moment without rushing, without being too slow, but moving at a physical pace as the physical breathing is the metronome that I direct myself to live as and by at all times.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing myself as inferior or dumb for being told how to do things, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this comes from the memory of having feared being wrong with my father specifically, doing things in a way that would disturb him. Thus I realize that I had in fact only based such inferiority upon the fear of being the opposite of effective such as inefficient, the opposite of fast and accurate as slow and clumsy – which are the polarities I established within myself in order to define what is positive and what is negative, identifying it with both my parents – thus I see and realize that any perceive ‘strength’ or ‘weakness’ must be in fact identified by self to see if it is an actual self-application in the moment or if it is being still conditioned by the past memories with parents wherein our participation between one or the other pole is related to fearing ending up as the negative aspect- hence building the entire positive personality as a way to ‘shove away’ everything that I deemed as negative.

 

When and as I see myself rushing when going to the supermarket I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the application of an automated modality that I learned through the years of going with my father to the supermarket, which became an ingrained aspect of seeing the supermarket visit as this race that I had to conquer as fast as possible – thus, I allow myself to simply direct myself in every moment as breathe, wherein I do not rush or try to get out from there from the very moment I get in, in the first place. I allow myself to buy and go through the supermarket experience in self-awareness wherein I am here breath by breath – moment by moment doing what I require to do.

 

When and as I see myself fearing doing something wrong/ being clumsy/ being slow – I stop and I breathe, I realize that in essence I am acting from fearing embodying everything that I feared becoming like which is my mother as the counter act to the positive pole which was my father as the accurate, fast and efficient aspect that I wanted to be and become based on how these attributes are well paid/ well remunerated and usually leading to success in a world system of money, never really taking into consideration the amount of stress and apprehension that such pattern entails, due to us not living here as breath but skipping breaths to do everything as fast as possible. Thus I allow myself to see and realize how I am able to direct myself in every moment of breath, wherein I take into consideration the physical reality and the circumstance I am in at all times.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to strike a conversation with the cashiers at the supermarket, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to talk to them as a point of expression in the moment, ensuring that what I am saying is not stemming from an actual desire to escape a moment of pressure or stress within me in the moment.

 

I realize that the desire to strike a conversation with the cashier stems from actually wanting to cover up what was a general moment of pressure and stress such as ‘going to the supermarket,’ which is how I would generally experience myself in every social interaction and situation ‘outside of the bubble of my home,’ wherein there were no moments of breathing and living physically, but learned how to fast pace reality and as such create this ideal of ‘who I had to be in everything I do’ as someone ‘fast/ accurate/ specific/ efficient’ all stemming from the fear of becoming the exact opposite as slow/ inaccurate/ clumsy and inefficient. Therefore I realize that it is within me and my responsibility to now direct myself in a way wherein I ensure that I am in fact supporting me to live moment by moment in consideration of the physical reality wherein I am no longer bound to memories in order to act and live.

 

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93. “No need to explain, I got it”

A pattern that has been prominent within me is when having to go through things twice in order to ‘get them.’ It is an button pushed for my ego when I believe that I am  able to ‘get things’ with one single explanation, and reacts when being ‘misunderstood’ in terms of me explaining something that in my mind makes sense while taking a another point into consideration – however because of my rush to explain, I do not take the time to give a proper context and as such, I end up getting pissed off because of ‘being misunderstood,’ without first realizing how in my rush to explain things, I did not say things specifically – hence beings cannot ‘guess’ what the hell I’m talking about and in that, friction/ conflict is created as in my mind. I blame the person for misunderstanding while I believe that ‘I know better/ I know that I got it, they just don’t get  what I get’ lol – and as such just become this self-inflated knowledgeable ego that becomes rather nasty to the point of shutting someone off for being too repetitive when explaining themselves – ‘No need to explain, I get it’ is the backchat that covers up the: ‘I know I am right, I know I understand me, I don’t require to understand you in equality’ – which is fucked up to say the least – this is a realization, not a judgment point.

 

So, this is also coming from the ego that believes ‘I don’t require any help to understand’ as if I had it all perfectly figured out in my  mind, which is obviously ego as well.

 

And it is because of this ‘rush’ and general almost like anxiety to get past things that I dropped out of courses, for example, to learn another language just because I would see everyone else as ‘too slow’ – hence the course being ‘too repetitive for my taste’ because of being redundant about points that in my mind, we could have already gotten. Within this character, I became an island as I was unable to work in team effectively, which is a point that I have been re-learning since I have been walking with/ participating with/as Desteni.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react the moment that I envision myself having to go through something ‘once again’ which is a reaction that I have created based on my desire to get things done ‘asap,’ which comes along with an experience of anxiety and general rush wherein because of not wanting to ‘wait,’ I want to get things done ‘in one go’ as in only listening/ reading/ doing something only once and as such, be able to ‘advance’ and go further, faster – thus

I realize that this emerged when I was in school and I would always finish everything first/ faster than the class and would thus get a nice feeling as in ‘being very fast’ meaning a positive experience such as having‘extra time’ to just wander around while others worked, which is a sense of superiority that I would recognize as something special and great within me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as superior within the idea, belief and perception that I am ‘fast and accurate’ wherein while being in class/ learning something and having to go through it more than once to ‘get it,’ I would react in exasperation and irritation because within my mind this would mean ‘retroceding’ and ‘wasting time’ – believing that I could have just instead  ‘go to the next level/ the next point’ which indicates the usual ‘racing/ competition’ programming that I would play-out throughout my life when it comes to knowledge and information within the schooling system.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my mind hold the backchat ‘I am able to ‘get things’ with one single explanation,’ which is a ego treat as a form of pride because of apparently having this super-ability to understand, and it all making ‘perfect sense’ within my mind. However when I communicate my understanding toward another and not being accurately explaining the point and the other person gets the idea/belief that ‘I didn’t get it,’ I go into frustration because of me not wanting Them to believe that ‘I didn’t understand what they were teaching/ showing me’ – and so it is a reaction in the form of  ‘not wanting to be seen as ‘me not getting it’ because in my mind ‘I did get it’ –thus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then go into blaming the being that gave an explanation that I considered as ‘very clear’ initially, but when the clarification/ second explanation comes after the feedback I have given in relation to ‘what I understood’ – I take it personal within the belief of me having been misinterpreted and thinking that ‘they believe I didn’t get it, when in my mind ‘I did’ which is an entire unnecessary egotistical cycle to go through to try and defend my ego/ my position/ the idea of myself as ‘always understanding everything properly’ -which has been a constant aspect in my secret mind, wherein I think or believe that ‘I am understanding everything that is being said’ somehow, without realizing that this is my mind attempting and trying to ‘always be right’ and ‘always get it right away.’

 

When and as I see myself reading through explanations, hearing information and making up my mind quickly as to assess that ‘I got it,’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that my relationship with knowledge has been that of an added value to ‘who I am’ wherein I believed myself to be able to understand ‘more’ than others and a such, when getting a second explanation on a point, is then received with a judgment toward such person believing that ‘I didn’t get it’ which I have judged as me not wanting to seem like stupid or retarded because of thinking that ‘now I, at the eyes of others, apparently ‘didn’t get it’ which I see is  the point that ‘really bothered me’ as in me being judged by others as ‘not getting it,’ which is the essence of defending ‘who I am’ as knowledgeable ego –thus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated, frustrated and angry when I believe that people believe that ‘I didn’t get it’ because that means that I am now ‘less than’ others at their eyes and that I have then ‘not gotten it’ from the get-to/beginning, which is as if I was being measured by my ability to understand the fastest/ quickest/ most accurate way at all times, wherein the conflict then comes when going through the second explanation and already existing in a precondition/default self-belief/ experience of taking it personal wherein I believe that ‘this is being said/explained again because of ‘me not getting it,’ and as such in an absurd way take the blame and judgment as if I had ‘failed’ to understand in one go – wherein in my mind, I still try and make up excuses as to ‘why I did get it,’ wherein I then want to simply clarify myself to others as to defend my posture/my ego that ‘I always get it,  you misunderstood me’

 

Thus I see and realize that I can only experience a conflict within me when the idea of who I am as the ability to understand something in ‘one go’ is questioned and exposed, wherein I then judge me for not communicating properly, I judge the being for ‘misunderstanding me’ and I judge then the entire second explanation because of believing that going through something ‘twice’ makes me ‘slower’ and ‘unintelligent,’ which is the personality that is attacked when having to go through something twice in order to get it.

 

I realize that any point of inner conflict stems from wanting to guard a specific personality/ self interest that has been deeply rooted within me as ‘intelligence’ and ‘being able to get things right away’ wherein it is through me talking myself into ‘I got it, it’s very clear, no need to explain more’ as a backchat and then having to go through a second explanation, to me is a ‘punch to the ego’ that would want to simply go through the points as fast as possible because ‘I am able to get it in one go,’ which is a knowledgeable egotistical trap of me wherein sometimes I would even ‘swallow’/ignore my own understanding gaps and believing that I could figure it out later as we go, wherein because of this rush to get things done as fast as possible, within the rush of wanting to ‘advance’/take advantage in something and ‘get it all done,’ I miss the actual learning and integration of knowledge and information process in practical terms, wherein I realize that the backchat of ‘I got it’ is only a way to satisfy the same ego pattern of ‘I am able to understand things with one single explanation, ’ which in itself is not something that ‘is not possible’ but it is the entire background that is implied within me speaking/thinking such words as the result of a  lifetime of experiences based on ‘getting things fast and with just one explanation,’ which is not true at all and it’s a self-belief that I have taken on as pride and as an automated response in my mind.

 

Thus, when and as I see myself believing that I do not require a ‘second explanation’ and that the person got it all wrong with me not getting it, I stop and I breathe. I direct myself to listen again/ read again being here, breathing, without trying to understand in my mind and having it all ‘sorted out’ in one go, which is ego and most likely pointing out to a timeloop that I am able to stop if walking with/ as patience, realizing that there is No Race to win, nothing to attain by wanting to ‘go fast’ through knowledge and information, as I see and realize that knowledge and information is Useless if not lived, applied, walked in actual physical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then secretly blame and even ‘diss’ in my mind another for giving me a second explanation to something that ‘in my mind’ I have apparently understood to the T, wherein I take the second explanation as a blow to my ego because I apparently have been misunderstood as in ‘not getting it,’ which is actually also stemming from me wanting to answer things fast without giving proper and detailed context of what it is that I have understood – and this is also linked to the ‘fast and accurate’ personality that I have cultivated from the very first years of schooling, wherein this ‘fast and accurate’ ways of doing things became a ‘prop’ for my development in school, in comparison to others – hence I see and realize that superiority/ desire to be special is ingrained within ‘wanting to do things fast and accurate all the time’ – which is a multi-layered point in relation to knowledge and information.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to give fast answers as to what I understood I stop and I breathe – I realize that I can take my time to write out myself and communicate effectively in detail what I have understood, what is in context of what I have understood in order to ensure that I am not providing only ‘one-liner feedbacks’ but actually take the space and time to explain myself sufficiently to enable an effective communication / mutual understanding of a point.

 

I realize that this rush to answer as fast as possible is linked to schooling activities wherein you have answer questions by the teacher and the first one that raises their hand, ‘wins’ to give the answer, which is how knowledge and information becomes a competition game instead of an actual step by step, moment by moment learning process.

 

I see and realize that the rush linked to learning is then stemming from having lived knowledge and information as a point to compete with/ as in relation to others. Therefore I ensure that when and as I am here reading, hearing, watching something that I am learning from – including my own writing – I assist and support myself to slow down, take the necessary time to go through it, to ensure I am covering the points that I see are relevant to communicate myself effectively as I realize that there is no need to ‘rush’ to get somewhere else.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to almost ‘get offended’ whenever someone believes/ perceives that ‘I didn’t get it,’ because at my eyes and in my mind ‘I always get it right/ I always get it with one single explanation’ which is me existing in the mind from the starting point of being ‘in a race’ wherein I am used to always ‘being first’ and always ‘winning’ in contrast and in comparison to others – which is a mechanism I have used in order to place myself as ‘superior’ intellectually, nothing else but an egotistical treat to make of knowledge and information as something that makes me ‘more’ than myself here as the physical.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘I know better/ I know that I got it, they just don’t get what I get’ wherein I try to always make myself as ‘better than’ and ‘right’ at all times, because accepting the fact that I did not in reality understand the whole thing in one go is a ‘no-no’ to my ego as the mind – thus I realize that

 

When and as I see myself going into the backchat of ‘I know better/ I know that I got it, they just don’t get what I get’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a validation, justification for my self-belief as always ‘being right’ in everything I do/ say/ think and understand, – In that moment I stop and actually hear what another is explaining/ saying unconditionally without assessing it based on a past moment of me ‘having gotten it and now having to go through it again,’ and instead walk through the point in the moment as a ‘new moment’ in every breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘: ‘I know I am right, I know I understand me, I don’t require your second hand explanation’ wherein I am in fact lashing out to another being the fact that I have been ‘bothered’ by having to go through something twice to get it, which is the knowledge system demon that believes it is always ‘getting it’ with just one single explanation, considering that I am diminished if having to go through something twice – thus I see and realize that within this

 

When and as I see myself going into the backchat of : ‘I know I am right, I know I understand me, I don’t require your second hand explanation’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am validating and making an excuse for me to not hear unconditionally another, but act from memory based on the value I have given to that past moment of me ‘getting it’ right away and as such, realizing that I can only judge if I have something to defend within me, which is the knowledgeable-ego character seeking to remain in the self-belief of ‘always being right/ always getting it right’ in order to remain as superior. Thus I stop participating in all backchat that goes confirming or denying my ability to understand.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having considered that I was ‘special’ because of being able to understand things ‘right away,’ which became an ingrained ego point in relation to others, wherein I then stand as this secretly self-belief superior shit compared to others, without realizing that knowledge will never be life and as such, no matter how much I engulf as knowledge, it cannot possibly make myself more than others – I stop racing against myself/ others as knowledge and information.

 

When and as I see myself going into the backchat ‘No need to explain more, I get it’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am in fact avoiding having to ‘go through it twice’ based on the memories and experiences of the I am always right’ ego point. Thus I allow myself to hear the explanation as I realize in practicality that going through things more than once assures and ensures that I do understand/ confirm what I have understood and as such, ensure no gaps are left open within a point of communication and learning process.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that ‘I don’t require any help to understand’ which is in fact ego trying to make myself ‘capable enough’ to do it by myself/ on my own, this being the pillar of the ‘I work better alone/ I am capable enough’ as a defense mechanism when I perceive that another offering support is directly implying that ‘I do not get it’ or that ‘I have problems with understanding properly,’ which is the point of ego that I react that I see and realize comes from caring how others perceive in relation to being a ‘knowledgeable person.’

 

When and as I see myself judging another for explaining to me something twice/ being redundant, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me reacting from the knowledgeable character – an that it is a matter of ensuring that we are all ‘on the same page’ understanding all points, and that this i in no way implying that we are stupid or ‘do not get it,’ but is simply a way to walk each point with proper context and understanding

 

I commit myself to stop thinking that ‘I get it’ and instead walk the understanding through practically placing it into application.

 

I commit myself to slow down when learning/ walking through knowledge and information to ensure that I am understanding point by point and not jumping into conclusions that point out ‘I am right/ I got it right away’ immediately.

 

“I commit myself to show, that ‘fear of change’ – cannot exist within and as the full absolute trust and standing of who self is within the principle of and as what’s best for all/equality and oneness in an equal and one within and without living of ‘who I am’. Where self is the TRUST that stand here with and as self, and will within this – assess all knowledge and information within the starting-point of what is/will be best for all, and so for self; assessing knowledge and information with regards to how it can contribute to the life of all as with mine. And so, thus, where ‘fear of change’ and resistance to ‘new knowledge and information’ can only exist when/as we have a solidified/cemented character/personality within our Minds, that serves ONLY ourselves within particular-specific wants, needs and desires. And so will essentially only meet with new knowledge and information in fear of change/resistance, when there is in fact a hidden/secret want, need and desire within and behind that Character/Personality self is protecting/defending that serve only self’s interests.” – Sunette Spies +

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