Tag Archives: acid

80. Seeking for a Meaningful Li(e)fe

“This is even better!” Is a constant way to talk ourselves into thinking that whatever we had perceived as a failure/ fall is now ‘overcome’ and the ‘new me’ is even better, so as to always remain like the ‘winner in the story’ wherein the character that suffered some great fall/ disillusionment finds something ‘greater’ than before, something that is ‘the real shit,’ the ‘real deal’ and absolutely ‘truthful to oneself.’ Can you recognize the gibberish? Yes, it is sponsored by the most common spiritual positive type of self-talk to always remain like a ‘winner’ in your mind, no matter what.

 

This is a continuation of:

Pattern:

  1. “I did not get what I wanted; I seek for something else to ‘truly’ fulfill me”
  2. Wanting to escape from the ‘capitalist world’ and rebel by boing to an ‘unexpected extreme’

 

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Anything taken Personally is Just a Defense Mechanism to Protect a Character from being Diminished in its Role of Competing for Validation, and Influence and Happiness in the World of Illusion as Character to keep the Illusion going, because in the Illusion the Character makes all the Rules and is a Law unto itself, Regardless of what Harm it Bring to the Natural Living World” – Bernard Poolman*

 

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whenever I do not get what I want, I drop it, diss it and ‘move on’ by spitefulness to seek something – once again – that will ‘fulfill me’ in a more ‘truthful manner,’ which is what is usually linked to escaping the world of money that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge extensively.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw psychological tantrums wherein through allowing myself to remain in a particular ‘emotional mode,’ I make decisions based on that emotional-spitefulness, without considering at all what is it that I initially reacted to and how I was absolutely self-responsible for that which I deemed was ‘done onto me,’ which I allowed myself to use to become ‘the victim,’ instead of taking responsibility for all the stages of the event/ moment/ situations that took place before I go into an emotional-breakdown wherein I ‘revamp’ myself by doing something ‘radical’ for a change.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be against something/ someone that I had initially sought to attain and that, because I didn’t get my satisfaction from it, I then turn against it, diss it/ criticize it and judge everyone involved wherein I turn into a spiteful person that ‘does not want anything to do with that/ them’ in an emotional state, without being able to consider a solution simply because of allowing me to be self-righteous about my emotional experience, believing that ‘I had the right to be pissed off/ sad/ disillusioned.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and I would go into disillusionment, an ‘emotional breakdown’ and seeing my entire ‘world’ falling apart, I would do the next most radical thing that I could pursue in my own value and moral schemes, wherein I would then take me to the opposite extreme just to spite the previous situation, to not have to face my responsibility toward everything that I judged, but instead, become self-righteous about it and believe that ‘it is my right to do whatever I want and say whatever I want to say, I don’t give a fuck about anything’

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in my life while being possessed by anger and spitefulness, believing myself to be ‘right’ about being angry and this being backed up by friends that would agree with me, just because of how I would tell the story which was obviously to my benefit, to make me look like ‘the victim’ so that I could get their commiseration and have them backing up my ‘new plans’ for life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create ‘friendships’ based on how much they could agree with the character I was aiming at being/ becoming.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately become spiteful toward the people involved in an event that I projected blame toward, without ever realizing how I had accepted and allowed myself to just ‘trust’ without any form of actual communication and understanding of what I was in fact participating in and cooperating with.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use people to validate my perspectives, points of view upon the entire event so that I could feel like I was ‘cheated’ and remain as a ‘victim’ that had all the right to simply cut all ties with them and ‘do things my way,’ which is a recurrent pattern whenever I experience myself as ‘the victim’ in the world, gathering enough ‘votes to my favor’ so that I could feel good in my misery.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use ‘disillusionment’ from ‘the artworld’ as an excuse for me to seek new ways to create wherein I use people to validate my ‘new aims’ based on wanting to create a more ‘meaningful’ art that would not be sold in art galleries.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start a project based on spitefulness, a desire for revenge and an apparent ‘healing process’ to what I perceived was ‘done onto me,’ which was nothing else but 100% pure drama that I created in order to validate my own way out of having to face my responsibility, not realizing that any anger that I allowed myself to exist as was in fact anger toward myself for not getting my dream and instead facing reality, which was then me thinking that ‘I had made the wrong choice,’ which all boils down to me realizing that I simply was not alright toward myself at all and that my discomfort, anger and frustration was not even about the entire art event, but a general dissatisfaction with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek to now turn into spirituality even further as a way to finally declare my dissociation from ‘mainstream arts,’ and seeking to ‘find the truth’ in that which I had been reading/ investigating which was in the vein of entheogens and spiritual awakenings through the use of acid.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to turn further into spirituality as a way to escape what I judged as the evil capitalist world that would ‘suck artists dry of their pure inspiration,’ which was nothing but blatant self manipulation to get things my way and remain as a ‘winner’ in my world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I used spirituality as way to spite the world as in spite-you-all that is also existent in the word spiritual. I realize that my search for ‘god’ or a transcendental experience was based on knowledge and information that I sought to ‘make real’ in my world through following a ‘divine path’ that I was creating for myself, wherein all signs and symbols and events that I started connecting would ‘match’ a pattern of me having to apparently become this enlightened being that could create a new form of art that could heal the masses.

 

This was the moment in my life when I was rapidly hitting rock bottom – this was December and I found Desteni the last day of the last month, where everything that went on for these two months was nothing but me drowning myself into my own ‘tormented soul’ and not getting any other satisfaction but the one that I was busy building as the ‘spiritual search,’ dedicating my entire days to research more and learn about conspiracy theories and everything that I could use to redefine my career.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘want to seek the truth behind the veil of money and success’ wherein I was aiming at becoming some type of ascetic that is only seeking for a ‘divine truth’ by detaching from all worldly things and pursuing my ‘spiritual awakening’ even further – never realizing or considering at all what I was in fact doing and proclaiming as an overall desire to ‘detach from the system,’ which was plain ignorant as I had no idea nor did I consider how no one is able to really in fact be ‘out of the system,’ yet I proclaimed I would do it in the name of ‘the truth’ and ‘my mission in life,’ which started blending more with my artistic-endeavors and I was busy shaping my ‘new religion’ based on spirituality, art and a guru-like personality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to seek ‘the truth’ through the use of drugs as a means to ‘speed up my awakening’ which proves to what extent I manipulated myself to ‘spite the system’ in what I deemed was ‘the key’ out of the system, seeking spiritual enlightenment so that I would not have to be ‘bound by the claws of the system,’ which was very naïve of myself and plain ignorant, because I never considered how everything that I consume had to be paid for, including the drugs.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘seek for something to give me the answer to my life’ and ‘seeking to create meaningful art’ as a point of self-definition based on spitefulness due to/ because of the previous event wherein my dreams of fame/ success we’re not fulfilled as I wanted them to be, throwing a tantrum and seeing everything as being ‘not good enough for me,’ believing myself to be ‘more special than that,’ which is how I lead myself to pursue an spiritual awakening and being predicating overzealously about it, which was me driving myself into my own religion wherein I could finally ‘do things my way’ and apparently ‘free myself from the system.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself at the moment of writing this because of seeing it as absolutely tantrum-based, typical emotional breakdown wherein overcoming the situation implies doing something ‘more rebellious’ than what was done in the past, wherein I simply would have continued trying something out and when being dissatisfied by it, dumping it and going for the next big hit in my life – over and over and over again moving from one spot to another seeking for a ‘truth’ outside of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as plain stupid for having done what I’ve done, and regret having existed with such self-righteousness in the past wherein I could not see anything else but what I deemed was ‘right’ and believing that what I was doing was ‘my right to do so,’ in absolute spitefulness and vengeful ways that I covered up in a positive manner through and by spirituality, believing that I had to go through such ‘tormented situations’ to give up my ‘earthly desires’ and pursuit a more ‘divine-relationship with god.’

 

So this is the moment that I was ready to go fully into the rabbit hole of spirituality and religions and, if it had not been because of finding Desteni and finally supporting myself to stop all my mindfucks, I would have probably continued that way for the remainder of my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I had to seek ‘beyond myself’ and my ‘limited mind’ to create some type of transcendental art, wanting to ‘establish awareness with the divine in this world,’ which is how I justified all my endeavors in separation of myself, seeking for a ‘truth’ that I could defend zealously, because of thinking that ‘this time, what I was pursuing was ‘above it all’ as it had to do with the idea of god and the ‘whole’ as myself. I realize that this is the ‘oneness’ preached in spirituality, wherein I would only seek to fulfill myself and my dreams/ ideals based on ‘the positive’ while being absolutely oblivious to the entire world and Reality, where no bliss or happiness exists if you have no money to eat.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘change the world’ through art mixing it with spiritual practices, so that I could fulfill my spiritual ego and endeavors of something ‘greater than myself,’ which is the basic and primordial fuck that lead us to the point that we are now facing in our reality, wherein everything that we have ever sought is this ‘moreness’ of ourselves outside of ourselves, in separation of who we are as one and equal.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to validate my ‘pursuit’ by taking other artistic characters as examples, wherein I ‘knew’ that by creating this specialness about my life and turning into this ‘misunderstood misfit’ I could justify my work as even more ‘meaningful’ within the art world, due to how ‘drama’ was accepted as a key ingredient to ‘make any real art.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my abdication of responsibility toward myself, my word and reality by pursuing ‘spiritual realms’ wherein I could apparently only establish a relationship with something divine and somehow be magically ‘saved from this evil world,’ without even taking a moment to look at reality and see how I was the very +1 point added to the entire mess wherein we only care about ourselves, our own pursuit of happiness which I translated to an apparent ‘superior’ stage such as spirituality, never realizing it is no different to pursuing being a millionaire and having ‘all the power in the world,’ as I translated such power to light, bliss and ultimate wholeness that spiritual teachings claimed.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think ‘I don’t want anything to do with this reality any longer’ which was just another character script line so that I could justify my ‘eccentricity’ as a special being in this ‘fucked up world’ that seeks for something ‘greater’ that not everyone pursues, fueling my own mindfuck by the perspectives and opinions given by people around me which were all relationships backing up my character, my self-belief and within this thinking that I was ‘on the right path’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the thought ‘I just want to be at peace with myself’ wherein I implied that all that I cared was me-myself-and-I and the rest could go down the drain, because of believing that I was not my body, that this world was an illusion and that I had nothing to do with this ‘realm’ of earthly desires. Within this manipulating myself to be and become this spiritual-artist character that is ‘more special’ than everyone else in my own mind only.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge, criticize, diss and diminish the ‘glamorous art realms’ due to and because of me believing and perceiving that I had been ‘cheated’ within it, and that I was ‘too noble’ for such businesses, which became my excuse to not pursue anything ‘real’ within my career but only follow through my spiritual endeavors and beginning to start thinking again that I had made the wrong career choice, and that I should dedicate myself fully to spirituality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make an ‘oath’ with myself to only make art that ‘matters’ and not just take nice pictures, which was me making myself ‘more’ than before just so that I could not feel like I had failed in my dreams and endeavors to become famous and ‘well known’ in the artworld.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that ‘I don’t want to sell myself out this time,’ which is when I started judging money even more as something evil and corrupt that would ‘taint noble young souls’ and ruining the ‘true artist’ which I deemed myself to be, based on all the stories I had read of other artistic characters that I took as a bible to follow

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that this time, I was going to create something ‘real’ and ‘meaningful’ which was just creating my self-religion based on past experiences wherein I was still trying to spite everything that could point out to earning lots of money/ being famous just because I had not achieved my satisfaction within that point, not realizing that if it had in fact ‘satisfied me,’ I would have continued walking my endeavors to escalate more and more in the artworld and continue defending ‘art’ the way that I did before.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive myself to being establishing a relationship with ‘the divine’ and wanting to express ‘god’ through my work, getting lost in meanings, symbols, knowledge and information that I consumed in order to create this ‘unique’ self-religion so that I could make of art and spirituality ‘my life,’ all in separation of myself, not even regarding how everything that allowed me to continue living was money to buy food and pay my rent and continue existing in this world, which is how I deliberately shun away the actual planning and the practical steps to be taken in order to establish myself as being able to earn money from art.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think ‘god is not money and fame, and it is here for everyone,’ wherein I deluded myself into thinking that I could escape from reality somehow if I established a real devotion toward ‘the divine,’ which is nothing more but pure fanaticism that I was busy building and feeding through knowledge and information that I would quickly embrace because ‘it sounded good to my eyes,’ which proves how anything that eventually shattered my world was seen as something ‘of doubtful precedence’ and ‘not trust worthy’ just because of how I had become so used to thinking that life was about beauty, art and ‘the divine’ that I had to somehow embrace as a constant ‘state of being, ‘ as eternally blissful even if I was in this world – which is the ultimate declaration of separation, as I was willing to pursue this eternal satisfaction, feeling untouchable by the world while the world could fall apart in pieces because I would be protected, because of being a ‘good divine follower’ to some god/ energy/ superior being that I was busy trying to create a relationship to- never ever taking the point back to myself to see how I was only seeking me in separation of myself here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I would not sell my artwork to ‘stay true to myself, ‘ which was nothing else but a tantrum-based declaration due to the past events of which I remain a victim of for a long time, due to me deliberately seeing how I was absolutely responsible for it all.

 

spiritual mindfuck

 

 

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself wanting to get rid of something/ someone based on a past event wherein I see myself as the victim – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this point will not have to even be existent if I stop the victimization process from the get go every time that I believe and perceive that ‘something is being done onto me.’ Thus I take the point back to myself, take responsibility for what I have created, said/done and within that, stop the cycles of spitefulness, revenge and retaliation toward anything or anyone that I have blamed for my experience.

 

When and as I see myself going into a tantrum of feeling misunderstood and building up emotions and feelings with it, I stop and I breathe. I realize that every time that I see myself going into a ‘down’ experience is linked to me not fulfilling an expectation that I envisioned in separation of myself. Thus I take responsibility to ensure that whatever I do is based on the benefit of all and not just pursuing my personal-life of seeking any form of desire as something/ someone in separation of myself. I realize I am here, breathing, and complete. I do not require anyone or anything to make me ‘more’ than who and what I already am here.

 

When and as I see myself seeking for a ‘radical change’ in my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that such ‘radical’ and ‘extreme’ moves are based on wanting to spite something/ someone, wanting to make myself ‘more’ again based on a previous perceived fall leading to the belief of me ‘lacking’ something to make myself feel better again, which is all mind-state based/ experience based which is not who and what I really am. Who and what I exist as is the simplicity of breath here that is self directive and does not require to experience something ‘more’ based on a previous memory of a perceived fall. All I require is to stop participating in thoughts leading to a ‘more’ or ‘less’ experience of myself and continue breathing, doing and directing myself to be an do that which is best for all.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am right at being/ becoming angry at someone/ the world and people agree about this experience within me. I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is not a point to trust as I am manipulating myself to become the victimized character that seeks company and commiseration in order to justify my own experience as ‘real,’ which is not. I direct myself to take responsibility for any thought implying that I am being done something ‘onto me,’ instead I take responsibility for my thoughts, stop, breathe and continue directing myself within the practicality required in the moment.

 

When and as I see myself projecting blame onto others, thinking or believing that ‘they are doing something onto me deliberately,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is the victimized character mechanism to ensure that I continue seeking ways to ‘make myself feel better’ by opposing, creating further conflict to regain my ‘positive experience.’ I realize that who I am here as breath does not require to exist as a constant experience.

 

When and as I see myself using spitefulness and a deliberate self-deprecated sate of being as a ‘healing process’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I used this ‘state of being’ to manipulate people around me, to ‘have mercy on me’ and continue fueling my character of the ‘suffered and misunderstood one’ which is unacceptable, as it is nothing else but emotional blackmail that I am able to stop the very moment that I see myself feeling ‘down’ and ‘low’ as a deliberate expression presented onto and toward others.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘spite the system’ by doing something that is ‘against the law’ and against ‘morals’ I stop and I breathe – I realize the little game for what it is as a means to make myself be ‘more’ than/ more clever/ more ‘cunning’ in the system based on doing that which is ‘forbidden,’ which is just a tantrum and mind-game of self-importance that I ensure I don’t ever participate in by establishing myself here as breath wherein I take responsibility for everything I do, say and think.

 

When and as I see myself seeking for something to give me the answer to life, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am the answer to life by directing myself in common sense, stopping all useless participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings and realize that there is actual work to be done within myself and in my reality to be the solution required in this world. This implies nothing else but common sensical living, moment by moment, breath by breath, taking responsibility for all the mind-games that I’ve placed and ensuring I stop them here as myself in every moment that I breathe and stop participating in the mind.

 

When and as I see myself whining about wanting to experience something, I stop and I breathe – I realize I am creating an unnecessary friction in my mind to eventually become possessed by that whining and get it by all means possible, which is unacceptable. I remain the directive principle of myself here in every moment that I breathe and direct myself in common sense.

 

When and as I see myself accessing the pattern of ‘I don’t want to do this any longer’ I stop and I breathe. I check the point wherein I have missed the point of myself and how I am creating a ‘better experience’ in mind. I apply self forgiveness for the desire of a ‘moreness of myself’ in separation of who I am here as simplicity of breath. Within this I ensure that I remain in the simplicity, stability and consistency of myself in breath day by day, moment by moment without defining myself according to the past or any other desire, want and need that may emerge in the mind.

 

When and as I see myself seeking to create, be and become something ‘meaningful’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am separating myself in the desire of ‘meaningfulness’ as something more than myself here in simplicity as breath.

 

When and as I see myself judging selling my work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that such judgment comes from the self-righteous spitefulness toward the perceived ‘evil world system,’ which means that it is all judgment based on making myself feel ‘less corrupt’ than everyone else, which is a lie to see myself as ‘better than.’ Thus, I direct myself to if and the opportunity is here to do so, go for it and use the money to support myself in what I require to consume to continue living. Simple.

 

When and as I see myself thinking that I have to ‘stay true to myself,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this ‘truth’ as myself has been a personality that has believed itself to always be right as a character/ personality based on always seeing myself as the winner, the one that is right and always ‘on the right path.’ Thus I direct myself to simply stay here as breath wherein I see, realize and understand that I do not require to make myself as a ‘truth’ and ‘honest’ person based on a self-belief of ‘being right’ about my decisions and actions – instead I continue breathing and moving myself moment by moment without holding an ‘idea’ or belief of ‘who I am’ moment by moment.

 

“I commit myself to show that as Long as One Create Self as a Character in the Mind, one is a Criminal that Abuses Life for Self-Interest of the Self Created as Character.” – Bernard Poolman

 

For support on Self-Forgiveness go to the Desteni Forum

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“I commit myself to show that Self-Honesty will be Tough, as the Characters of the Life of Self have Multiple Diversions and know all the Lies – and thus will Do Everything in thought Backchat to Invalidate Self-Honesty. Discipline Self, Breath by Breath, in Self-Honesty to Return to the Physical Body and to Stop all thought, as Thought Only Creates Characters of Illusion that Lie.” – Bernard Poolman

 

Blogs for de-characterization:

This is a continuation to:


Day 42: Toxic Fun–Drugs as Enslavement

Who are we when we allow the intoxication of another being that you can call a friend/ partner/ lover in the name of ‘Fun’? It’s taken a punch to my ego to write a ‘we’ when I have declared myself as an official drug/ alcohol detractor – yet, I’ve been there myself and even had special affinity toward self-destructive people, which implies that whenever I accepted the consumption of drugs/ alcohol in the name of ‘fun’ = I accepted an allowed the man-infestation of the abuse of drugs and alcohol consumption in the world as way to ‘have a good time. ‘

 

Who are we when we support the use of drugs/ alcohol as a way to ‘free ourselves’? Isn’t that the same as inducing another to take some rat poison while pretending that you can just throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don’t care?

 

My mind wants to run rampant in rage when seeing the effects that such stupefaction generates in a human being – however, here I have placed myself as the point that stops judgment and any other reaction, walking the Self Forgiveness as well [*]. And how I was able to stop the immediate surge of backchat was through saying out loud ‘I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another for seeing the obvious effects that alcohol/ drugs had upon them while in fact that person as this very moment could have been me’  – and so, the tendency to judge from this ‘superiority’ idea of self was deflated and brought back to the ground, hearing about Patience today also supported me a lot to slow myself down.

 

Thus, now that I have walked the road to hell and back, meaning having walked the process of self forgiveness on these subjects and practically Stopping all forms of substance abuse as an integral part of my commitment to life – I can say that allowing the continuation of such self-abuse between so-called ‘friends’ and partners/lovers is just the most obvious act of actual spite and self-loathing that you can ‘gift’ yourself and another with – that’s how any relationship that wherein alcohol and drugs are promoted as a way to ‘feel good’ and ‘have a good time,’  ‘relax and just chill’  is equal to allowing any form of Self Abuse such as rape, murder, violence and any other form of psychological and physical abuse,  no matter how it is ‘covered up’ and ‘masked’ within this reality.

 

It should be fairly obvious how alcohol is promoted and accepted in our society in such a ‘broad spectrum’ so to speak: it keeps slaves happy and sufficiently droned down to be able to never question how this reality works and only care about dumbing people down to be willing to accept the most ludicrous social policies as long as the so-called ‘free choice’ and ‘free will’ are a means to be able to get drunk, get high, get fucked and repeat the next week on a regular /religious basis.

 

Unacceptable, even more so when the physical body is absolutely neglected, not really imagining what the cells of the body are having to go through once they are drenched in alcohol and any other chemical-poisoning in the name of earning an ‘Experience’ – the use of drugs indicate to what extent we have separated ourselves from our physical bodies and believe that it is only ‘here’ to hold as a chemical reactor of experiences that we dare to call happiness, enjoyment, fun, satisfaction and even going as far as ‘getting in touch with yourself’ when it comes to psychotropic drugs.

 

How low have we gone within this reality in the name of drugs? Extremely low hence, here’s some Self Forgiveness to give ourselves an opportunity to review what we have done onto ourselves in the name of our own energy-god experience that alcohol, drugs and sex abuse creates.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a hierarchical standing within ‘superiority’ for being ‘over any drug/ alcohol/ substance’ abuse – including sugar – while realizing that this process is not only about ‘me bettering myself,’ but expanding the realization of who we have become as life-consuming beings in the name of an experience, such as getting drunk/high which is numbing our senses in the name of what we have accepted and allowed to call ‘fun’ and ‘entertainment.’ I realize that this world won’t be ‘done with drugs’ until every human is able to realize the actual detrimental effects that such drugs/substance abuse creates at a physical and mind level.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the use of alcohol as a way to ‘have fun’ that is socially acceptable simply because it is sold in your corner shop, which I have then equated to ‘it is safe to do it – otherwise, why would ‘my government’ want to poison me?’ without realizing that in a world where money moves the threads of every single being and manifestation in the name of power/ control over reality, we cannot possibly assume that everything that we buy/ consume is ‘safe’ and ‘not harmful’ while such assumption is deliberately wanting to neglect and ignore the facts about human decay that are stemming from alcohol abuse, which means that everything that I have ever deemed as ‘safe’ because ‘it’s sold in stores’ I have accepted and allowed simply because of faith and trust upon others while neglecting FACTS and actual Consequences of such substances in reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate ‘having a good time’ to taking some form of drug, drink alcohol or take any other chill pill to ‘feel just fine,’ without ever considering the irreparable damage that I am inflicting upon my body whenever I consume any substance that I abuse in the name of personal satisfaction as an euphoric experience of which I am completely oblivious as to what are the actual consequences as harm that I am inflicting myself with when using and abusing substances. I realize that I have made things ‘0kay’ in my reality because they are ‘socially acceptable,’ and ‘everyone does it,’ which makes me ponder what else have I accepted in the name of it being ‘socially acceptable’ and it making me a deliberate sheep and follower of a system of enslavement and abuse, such as the capitalistic system wherein I actually pay for my own slow death the moment that I pay for drugs to ‘have fun’ for some time, while having long lasting effects at a physical level out of a moment of self-indulgence.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ask forgiveness to my body, to every single cell that I neglected the moment that I only sought to ‘have fun’ and inducing chemicals into it that had detrimental effects in an immediate moment, which is how we can numb ourselves from the actual physical experience that we put ourselves as our physical body through the moment that we aim to ‘live’ through Experiences – without realizing that Energy as Experiences is Not Living, but actually abusing the physical in the name of personal interest as instant gratification.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this entire system of drug consumption which includes entertainment, information, media, advertisement, religions, spirituality as a constant seeking for ‘bettering’ myself either through deluding myself with drugs, knowledge, information, self-talk or positive thinking which are all self-induced forms of abuse in the name of personal satisfaction while neglecting the reality that we are all living in, wherein any form of experience is at the expense of the very use/ abuse of life substance as who we really are, which causes a massive delegation of our physical-breath power to the diminishing of ourselves to a single ‘positive experience’ such as the one that we get to have when drinking alcohol, taking drugs, praying, praising some deity, doing charity, meditating, talking to god/ self as the mind and seeking to mimic the lives of the rich and famous that seem to have a never-ending life of eternal satisfaction, without realizing that such lives are essentially propagated and sponsored by the elites to promote a way of living that is associating life with consumption/ abuse of substances, as this has proven to be the best weapon to keep the masses silenced and obeying.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately induce self-harm toward myself and others in the name of ‘fun’ and ‘partying’ through the use and abuse of substances like alcohol, drugs and any other ‘legal pharma-suit-to-kill’ that can give me a temporary high and experience of ‘feeling great’ for a moment, while neglecting the very breaths that I am squandering and essentially eating up in the name of personal satisfaction such as ‘getting high’ and ‘having fun’ as a ‘cool mix’ that has been accepted within society as nowadays’ way to ‘have a good time,’ which makes it obvious how abuse is inherent to anything that we have dubbed as ‘good time/ positive/ enjoyment’ through the use and abuse of external points such as drugs and people alike.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label self-abuse as ‘free choice’ and ‘free will,’ which is the standard used by individuals to justify their ability to consume drugs and even ‘spite the system’ through consuming illegal drugs within the belief that such action will – in any way – ‘liberate them’ from the so-called ‘oppression’ in reality, while in fact the only thing that is being perpetuated is the constant opposition and conflict toward a world that is self-created = we are all responsible for everything that we could deem as limiting and subjugating to a ‘hierarchical power,’ which is only us subjugating ourselves to a monetary system that is does Not care about life and supporting a dignified living for all, but deliberately promotes self abuse as a way to maintain ourselves limited and caged within a very narrow spectrum of reality – which reveals that we have been the only ones that have accepted a ‘lifestyle of abuse’ as something that is cool and socially acceptable, while neglecting the harm that is being inflicted at a physical level and toward other beings when ‘making it acceptable’ to consume alcohol/ drugs within society.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apparently ‘spite the system’ such as family, society, government/ laws by consuming ‘illegal drugs’ without realizing that if they were really a threat to promote an actual emancipation of beings, they would have been eradicated from society and any form of market – yet because they represent the greatest weapon of control and temporary fear-reliever, they are accepted as an apparent surreptitious market and industry – yet having great weight upon global economy as drugs represent one of the greatest markets with the most profit that goes un-checked and unnoticed – apparently – due to the extensive amounts of money that are involved within such so-called ‘criminal activities’ – which once again proves the reverse psychology within beings wherein: everything that is deemed to be ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’ and ‘opposing the law,’ will be embraced and promoted as a ‘self-liberating’ way to ‘be free’ and ‘be joyful’ – while neglecting that this represents falling in the very trap carefully built to enroll people within chemical addictions that become a promoter for passivity and acceptance of this reality ‘as is,’ which is no different to how spirituality promotes ‘surrendering to the here now moment’ and neglecting any form of self-responsibility toward the individual within society and the individual’s life itself, beginning with considering HOW am I harming my physical body with consuming substances that are obviously detrimental to my physical body.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘oppose the system’ and be an ‘activist’ while using alcohol, drugs and any other illegal abuse of substances as a way to reinforce my so-called antagonism toward society/ the system, which reveals that I am a perfectly mind-controlled drone that is willing to create resistance toward a system that requires such conflict to continue thriving in the same stagnant position of continual disregard toward life – without ever questioning how it is that opposition and protesting against the system has never ever had an actual effect on this world as a living-change that affects every single being in reality, which proves that I as an ‘activist’ and ‘system basher’ was only seeking my personal satisfaction and gratification to be able to deem myself to be ‘free’ while neglecting that it was through the very use and abuse of substances that I was already making a statement of: ‘I don’t really care about anyone else but me and my fun’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a religious drinker/binger in the name of personal satisfaction as a way to proclaim that ‘I am a free being! I have free will! I have free choice! I can do whatever the fuck I want!’ While obviously neglecting every bit of life that I abused in the name of such desire and need to create an Experience of ‘power’ as the ‘moreness’ of myself through deifying energy as ‘who I am’ as such fleeting moments and experiences, while defying the physical living substance that I use and simply consume as a fuel to my own personal delusions, which is absolutely unacceptable.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to promote drug consumption as a way to ‘get in touch with yourself’ which was actually only promoting ‘get drunk, get high and forget about your living reality that you breathe in’ – which is in itself proving that I have become nothing else but a single self-seeking individual that is willing to do ‘anything’ for a moment of ‘peace’ and ‘happiness’ and ‘love’ which have all proven to be the very keys to the enslavement of this reality, creating and supporting the existence of a passive and ignorant human being toward all-aspects of reality that are outside of the self-obsessed culture that we have become in reality.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to link the use of drugs and alcohol to sex and call it ‘sexy’ which means that I have been sufficiently brainwashed through media, books and everything that indicates that I am willing to accept self abuse in the name of personal satisfaction as the fleeting moment that becomes sex when stemming from mind-stimulation which in no way constitutes an actual physical Real expression of reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that through consuming drugs, alcohol and any other substance it is possible to ‘escape from myself,’ without realizing that it is actually within facing myself and supporting me to walk my own mind as fears and desires to ‘be free,’ that I can in-fact free myself from my own mind-limitation that is the only one that seeks such type of entertainment and ‘satisfaction’ in the name of a temporary band-aid to the existential doom that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish who I am to a single fleeting moment wherein I lose all integrity as a human being while allowing me to become obsessed and possessed with the chemical influences that a single substance can create in the entirety of my human body, which reveals that I have in fact never considered the very life that allows me to continue breathing in this world and that I have only become my own enemy while having to seek ‘outlets’ as ‘diversion’ in order to ‘have fun’ and ‘enjoyment’ in separation of myself, which means that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nothing else but a mind-drone that seeks an experience at all times, while neglecting the fact that who we really are is here as breath as ourselves, in every moment that we allow the mind to be quiet yet remain self directive in our living-reality, which is absolutely possible if we walk a process to do so.

 

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fear is now so automated as a system, that no one can remember what started it and no one cares – because a good scare gives a physical response, a physical high, so as to get Drugs for Free – just by producing your own Fear is Heaven on Earth.

I commit myself to show that the body is always in agony due to the Mind feeding on it in various response patterns, forcing the body to produce chemicals in many ways to keep the experience of the Mind Bubble to NOT see reality – producing, just like with the use of drugs, a dreamlike state – while calling the dream of the mind real, and calling the physical that is real, a dream.

I commit myself to show that Breathing Here without using the MIND, being physical – will show how fear is a MIND JOB based on a physical addiction to the body response to the fear.” Bernard Poolman [+]

 

Thus, I commit myself to continue exposing the truth of what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become as energetic vampires that seek an experience out of virtually anything in this reality, in the name of personal satisfaction and a fleeting moment of so-called fun and enjoyment that is in no-way in relation to the physical reality that is here, tangible, breathable and doesn’t require a specific ‘state of being’ to exist.

 

I commit myself to reveal how one is able to live and exist here as a physical being without having to constantly be seeking ways to ‘feel better’ and ‘have fun’ through using/ consuming substances, alcohol, drugs or create a deliberate experience in order to satisfy ‘the senses’ which is no different to believing that who we are is eternal bliss and fueling positive thinking to create such perpetual state of actual self abuse that neglects the physical reality that is burnt as fuel in order to keep such self-created mechanisms going.

 

I commit myself to expose and reveal the ability to live without seeking for the next greatest excitement and having to be constantly living up for a future moment of ‘enjoyment’ through the use and consumption of substances, and instead show how the acceptance of self as breath here is the solution to all the problems/ desires/ experiences that would have gotten anyone to consume alcohol/ drugs, as all desires, wants and needs are created at a mind level which I am able to stand one and equal to.

 

I commit myself to promote a system – the Equal Money System – that supports all life in Equality, that supports actual living self-expression wherein no drugs, no alcohol will have to be produced as there will be no need to seek for an alternate experience other than the ability to live as heaven on earth for the very first time in our existence, as I realize that all drugs have been an attempt to mimic and false-represent a true well being that we are actually able to work for as a collective, as humanity in order to establish a Living Reality that doesn’t consume life, but supports Life as Life itself.

 

“I commit myself to show that the Human Race is yet to Wake Up and that all Mind Jobs of Self-Realization are just ways used to find a better chemical producer by the Flesh on which to continue the High of the Addiction called Personality/Individuality. It is like the Robbing of the physical flesh of its resources, as constant raping of Life, just to have Feeling – like being on Drugs.
I commit myself to show that these Addictions to substances is all the Human has ever been – and that at the moment, few will have the resolve to Break the Addictions. Fortunately, Death ends this – but, what is visited upon the children, generation after generation, is atrocities of magnitudes yet to be Realized.” – Bernard Poolman [+]

 

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Equal Money System

 

Desintegration

 

 

Blog on subject:

 

Self Support for myself when dealing with ‘getting angry’ at people in such cases:

Vlogs:

 

Blogs: Highly recommended to understand HOW and WHY our thoughts are manifesting our reality:

Facebook Group for Self Support in Stopping Addictions:

And a great reality check:

Dropping the High


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