430. Recognition

When looking at redefining a word,  an exercise is to see what kind of associations do I have in relation to it, what kind of memories are attached to this word that could prevent me from actually redefining it and living the word in a supportive manner. So this is a work in progress to redefine the word recognition in a team, which means each one will look at their relationship to the work and draw some main points to bring on the table to finalize the definition that can be relatable and supportive for others in this process of learning how to live words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the Word recognition to the idea of being clapped at by an audience upon gaining some kind of prize or recognition for doing ‘well’ in something, and so becoming the center of attention for everyone else in that one moment, without realizing that this is what I imprinted within me based on how the diplomas in school – year by year  at the end of it – would read ‘reconocimiento’ as in ‘recognizing’ and my name plus the point of participation, achievement or award gotten in school or other contests, wherein I would end up being the ‘winner’ of either of the three places given to students with certain achievements and within this, creating a polarity relationship of recognition based on not wanting to only be recognized or known by others for ‘being the good student’ but at the same time, considering that I had earned it so, it was my right to be recognized that way.

So in this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dislike getting any form of recognition because of having had the experience of seeing this recognition as a form of superiority-value that detached me or separated me from the rest of the people, made me ‘special’ in a way, which led me to dislike getting any form of praise or recognition due to how unequal this felt, but at the same time getting used to it and so, if there was no recognition to me, I would feel as not good enough or somewhat invisible – all of this due to how I got ‘used to’ being singled out as better than/special, in spite of knowing that this is not what I am comfortable with – yet I accepted it as a self definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my starting point of doing things for the sake of being seen/recognized by others in any way, which means that I was not in fact doing things in my life for me, as my expression but many times were ways to get particular people’s attention, to be recognized/acknowledged by others and so ‘gain’ some space in their reality – all of this because of a perception of not having been good enough for it, or not being ‘special’ enough and/or being flawed in other ways and so making it up by building a certain personality that I knew could be recognized by others that I was interested to be in relationship with.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being recognized only for a few particular traits as part of ‘who I am’ and so, deliberately building a personality that could be eccentric or overtly expressive and ‘unique’ in a way to step out of the cliché of only being a ‘good student in school’ and so, seeking to now be recognized as being somewhat that is cool and ‘in’ and ‘special’ because of being ‘different’ to most people in terms of attitude and looks and so forth – which is nothing else but building a persona to be recognized by others in a way that I did like. This means that it was all made for praising my ego and not at all in any way for supporting myself and my expression.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at times having pushed myself a lot to do certain things to ‘prove myself to others’ and so be recognized for being intelligent, special, unique even ‘strong’ in the sense of not being weakened easily – all of this to overcome my own vulnerability which accompanied me most of my young phases of my life, and in doing this also wanting to be recognized as someone that cannot be hurt or someone you cannot mess with. All of this again to cover up for the actual inferiority and vulnerability I would experience as well.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live the paradox of disliking certain types of recognition, while at the same time seeking to be recognized for particular preferred ‘traits’ or personalities that I considered I wanted to value myself with in order to be liked, accepted by others that I had a specific interest to be liked/appreciated/acknowledged by.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold this belief that recognition is something that is given from others to oneself and that one cannot recognize oneself only, because that means I am not ‘valued’ by others, which is a false equation there, believing that one does not have validity if we don’t exist as ‘some value’ for others. And this is where one abdicates the ability to recognize oneself and others based on what  people or things are in themselves, without the need to ‘value’ but just by sheer acknowledgement.

It is also funny because whenever I had done something ‘bad/wrong’ as a child, my mother would say’ have you seen what you have done??’ and I would say ‘yes I recognize it’ but that was involved with yes I recognize it AND take the blame for it, so also to short circuit that idea that with recognizing comes some blame or ‘price to pay’ to rather see it as ‘Ok how did I fuck up? How can I correct this? How can I learn from a mistake or failure?

recognize or recognise
n    verb
1    identify as already known; know again. Ø(of a computer or other device) identify and respond correctly to (a sound, character, etc.).
2    acknowledge the existence, validity, or legality of. Øformally acknowledge that (a country or government) is eligible to be dealt with as a member of the international community.
3    reward formally.
4    (of a person chairing a meeting or debate) call on (someone) to speak.

I see that to live the word recognition it would imply being aware of myself/my life, to know me, to acknowledging me as what I am, what I am doing, what I’ve done and within that rather assess/recognize the points that need to be changed/aligned and also to acknowledge that which I’ve accomplished/achieved in a way that assists me in this process of aligning to what is best for myself and so best for others in acknowledging what is outside of myself as well and apply the same principle.

This way, I am the one living recognition, giving myself that time to reflect, to acknowledge, to take responsibility for or to simply say ‘well done’ in any point that I’ve found I’ve been able to complete/achieve in a way that supports me and my life. In this, the ‘value’ of oneself is not built by others perceptions as I used to, it is a self-recognition, a self-assessment based on being aware of one’s words, deeds and being honest to see what needs to be changed, what requires fine tuning, where did I miss my own direction, where was I tempted or lured by an experience instead of deciding with common sense? And so this becomes more of a word that enables one’s own feedback loop so to speak rather than a series of judgments, beliefs, perceptions that we create within ourselves and project toward others.

 

 

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