Tag Archives: adam yauch

208. Doing Good as Positive Credit-Rewards

Benevolent Acts of Evil  – Yes, this is a paradox, but So are WE as Humans in this World System that is Our Creation – Only paradoxes and absurdity can describe the things that we’ve come to worship as benevolent and ‘good’ at the expense of others/life on Earth that is also ourselves.

Now, the 10 million dollar question: Where Did I Learn the Belief that Doing Good is equal to FEELING GOOD ?

In the previous blog I discussed even my dreams of ‘world change’ contained my own dreams of escalating in social positions in order to, yes ‘do good’ but also have a lot more benefits/ have more money and some social recognition for ‘doing good’ and as such, ‘deserving’ my rewards.

So after I wrote this blog yesterday I realized how the entire idea of wanting to change the world/ do good had a positive imprint on it – right – but, where did I get such idea from? Where did I first become aware of ‘doing good’ as something ‘good’ and that would lead me to have a nice experience that I learned to call ‘satisfaction.’


I can only trace it back to how my father used to say that when he does ‘good things,’ then it comes back ten-fold to him. And this was a general saying even: ‘may god multiply it to you’ and that’s what I would hear poor people telling him when he would ‘spare a coin’ to them – and so my father’s satisfaction in that moment as in making it a good experience became a reference point to this. Also in his work and position wherein he had some benefits for some two years,  I remember people greeting him and giving him gifts and being all happy/ joyous around him and ourselves – me and my sisters/ mother -when being there. Something similar would happen when visitors would come home  and how it was always such a nice experience to have everyone just being happy within being all cordial and show hospitality, helping others in any way becoming like this thing that would be ‘uplifting,’ which I came to enjoy for the ‘positive atmosphere’ that would represent, and yes gifts in return from abroad  +


However, I never knew the mechanics of how it is that only a few beings can ‘spare coins’ to poor people asking for some ‘charity’ in traffic lights, nor did I ask why people were smiling and revering my father wherein I was not seeing the convenience aspect of keeping a job, keeping a certain reputation and in essence, doing so out of fear of losing their current position within such organization, probably it was never because of some actual charm or enjoyment – lol. And the same within this belief that If I do good = good things will come my way. And I’d say this is the most ingrained belief, reinforced throughout time by my father’s predicaments based on books he’d read mainly about positive thinking at the time. So, I believed it, so I wanted to do good while waiting a reward for it, therefore it was never really unconditional within this. This is proof of how we have become absolutely deluded when it comes to ‘doing good’ while expecting something ‘good’ to come back our way instead of just establishing a system wherein we could ensure that we give to ALL Equally, wherein no matter what we decide to do and dedicate our lives with, we will know that we are living and supporting a system wherein no one is left behind. That would be True Benevolence not acts of charity to enhance one’s ego.


Do we see our life essence being equal when we do something good expecting something in return, meaning, do we see how it is simply giving and supporting that which we Also are? Or do we see only our egos expecting something in return? I’d say we’ve always lived in the selfish mind-frame of the second option and it is only now that within this whole point of a Desire to ‘Change the World’ we realize that it would be futile trying to ‘change the world’ if we haven’t stopped our own egos from continuing seeking ways to fulfill our own ‘satisfaction’ at the expense of others within a system that revolves around life-abuse. How bizarre it is, really, wanting to create a positive experience of ‘doing good,’ learning in schools, families and generally ‘ethics’ to always seek to ‘do good’ to another, but never even questioning why the inherent platform as the current system designed to neglect the lives of the majority would in any way enable such ‘human benevolence’ to take place – isn’t it rather deceptive and evil to do all these random acts of ‘benevolence’ for nice smiles, phony pictures of ‘charity makers’  – like celebrities do – and claim to have contributed to Change while always expecting some form of benefit in return.


As I was ‘jogging the memory’ – one of the first points I became aware of in terms of celebrities and doing some form of ‘good’ was becoming aware of the Free Tibet concerts that the Beastie Boys organized – now reading it was back in 1996 – so I was 10 years old and realizing that Hey one can have fun, be rich, be famous, do good and feel GOOD  about it. I actually made a video mentioning this when Adam Yauch died some months ago. I explain the whole deal here

2012 Spirituality and Activism Won’t Change the World


Now, an aspect I later on realized is that this goodness was not inherent to me, it was not something that I ‘truly’ wanted to do and even today I realize that all the bits and moments I ‘did good’ was from the starting point of getting some form of benefit from it, or ending up in a position wherein I would be able to be helped back by another, almost like keeping a score of myself in terms of how ‘good’ I was becoming as a form of Credit.


The ‘feeling good’ aspect of ‘doing good’ is not linked to anything else but actual money/ recognition that I would be able to get from other beings actually, which implies what?  That inherent desire to ‘do good’ was nothing natural to me, it was acquired through all the above mentioned points in my environment of getting rewards, gifts, recognition, appraisal, cordiality, getting this ‘goodness’ ten fold, etc. all stemming as points that would come from the en-virus-ment I’d say, all these viruses of positivity that I took as ‘word’ to be lived without a question.


The specific self forgiveness is then to see the actual ‘ugly truth’ of it all, which is had not really cared about myself as a physical living being/ I had not regarded Life as myself in all equally as one, I had only lived as an ego trying to uplift itself from ‘doing good’ and becoming ‘the savior’ in this reality while gaining money and recognition.  This stops here


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never question why I was pretending to ‘do good’ and ‘feel good’ about doing something to upgrade/ uplift or dignify the living conditions of other beings without asking first why on Earth they were being neglected and how my own existence was directly responsible for their current condition, and instead allowed me to stand in the position of being ‘indignant’ about it, which is the same mechanism of seeking who to blame instead of understanding how the system works and realize that I am a direct participant in the system that is currently denying support to beings that should be – by default, by virtue of being living beings – supported with all the necessary requirements to Live.


I commit myself to expose any form of charity or benevolent act of evil as the actual underlying reasons why they are taking place, and why charity nor fund raising or any other form of ‘support’ that exists as a form of benevolence toward the ‘less fortunate ones’ is looking at an actual solution to Stop perpetuating the requirement of ‘charities’ and ‘auctions’ to benefit this or that cause, and instead realize that necessary economic, political and social reform required at a global level for Actual Real Change : www. equalmoney.org


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that I was inherently ‘good’ wanting to ‘do good to others’ and in this world, without ever really even considering how this goodness was always expecting something in return in the form of a recognition, preference, specialness, even gifts/ material stuff in return as well as creating a form of ‘credit’ for a future moment wherein I would apparently someday require something from the being I was ‘helping out,’ and in that learn how to move within relationships of self interest instead of actually being unconditional within my ability to assist and support others.

I realize that this stems from the aspect of our current monetary system wherein I learned to save money/ to not squander it, to not just ‘give it away’ because it was earned with hard work, and such all ‘benevolent acts’ that implied me buying something to someone was charged with a bit of guilt but in this all, the desire to help to get a positive experience was ‘more’ than the practical considerations of money and my ability to give it away.


When and as I see myself wanting to ‘do good’ to others based on my ability to buy it without considering further aspects in terms affording it, I stop and I breathe. I realize that wanting to do good/ make others feel good is based on self interest according to my own social-conditioning of expecting good things in exchange. Thus I direct myself to consider the practical physical reality of supporting others without compromising myself in my living conditions.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to project Care and Benevolence toward other beings, wanting to do good/ wanting to change the world while not being absolutely comfortable with myself, not really caring about myself as an individual and wanting the ‘best for myself,’ as all my relationships and truth of what I accepted and allowed myself to become revealed otherwise, that I wasn’t really caring for myself as a living being – thus, how was I preaching ‘goodness’ while being self abusive? A walking paradox I had become – thus


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself in the first place in terms of seeing how I could correct myself, and learn how to appreciate and care for my own physical body before even trying to ‘do good’ outside in the world just because of the experience I would get, which would compensate my actual lack of self-consideration/ self ‘love’ if you will, even though I cannot utter the word love without seeing it as a major deception still – so I will use self-appreciation as that is a consideration of the physicality that I am enabling me to exist and continue, even after all the time that I’ve been torturing my physical body even by my desire to get some ‘positive experiences’ which is part of what I had always been oblivious about in terms of how the mind works and how our physicals are always affected by the constant and continuous desire to live-through-the-mind as an Experience of either positive or negative experiences.


I realize that in this world and society we have never learned how to live as Physical Beings, and that the gruesome truth is that no one has really cared for themselves as equal beings, as the Life Substance/ our Equality that we exist as. Thus, I commit myself to continue walking my process of self acceptance, self appreciation and self-awareness to always ensure that everything that I am correcting within me is standing within a single physical alignment to what is best for all, thus no energy as positive or negative experiences is required.


I commit myself to develop my own self-relationship to my own my physical body to be able to actually walk through my own self-neglect first, before trying or attempting to ‘change the world’ outside of myself. As I see and realize and experience the physical trauma that we’ve inflicted upon ourselves in a ‘silent mode’ while existing in absolute separation of our physicals in relation to being only “living” up there in the mind, never questioning how it is that such experiences that we had equated as ‘living’ were not constant as the actual physicality that we breathe in an out – day in an out – moment by moment. That is our reality and that is what I see is required for me to equalize myself, so that no matter what decisions I make, I can can always exist here as myself and realize that there are many ways in which we can proceed to continue supporting beings to become aware of these basic principles: we have to first care for ourselves as Life in order to then understand why changing the world cannot be based on selfish self-interest, but how such self interest can only exist in common sense as Equality.

I must say that this whole evil thing has been actually very refreshing to me, from making sense of many paintings that I had and was confused about like wtf, why would I paint that? and also within cross referencing my own discomfort of having to smile and pretend to be a ‘good girl’ in certain social situations when the reality is that it Always seemed fake, period. I can say that if any form of joy exists in this world it cannot possibly exist as a reward of a deliberate input of ‘doing good’ to get something ‘good’ in return, no way – it must be an actual constant and consistent living realization of who one is as a living-force that contributes in equality within a system that can support all beings equally – nothing more and nothing less.

That’s what I would want for myself. Can I Give it to myself practically? Yes – I begin within me by removing the accepted and allowed social condition of ‘doing good’ as a positive experience, and instead equalize myself to a living-correction that implies only aligning myself/ who I am according to that which is best for all, which is then not energy based, but physical-reality based and in that any form of personal importance is vanished as there is no need to ponder any particular person for ‘doing good’ for all will be part of this way of living that has the potential to demonstrate what we can actually become if we start living in neighborism.

  • This will continue with more nitty gritty aspects of social conditioning seeking benefits out of ‘doing good’ to society.


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Day 21: Absorbing Music Media as a Child

A turning point in my life was getting cable TV when I was 7 years old. A window opened up toward a world that I had only been exposed in a light manner to, which was idolizing music artists from as early as age 3 and making this my way of having fun when it came to dancing and singing.  So when I was 7  I chose a form of entertainment that was not the average child-treat,  it was watching music videos and exposing myself to all of these images and music that ‘truly fascinated me’ at the time – i n other words, I would be hypnotized in front of the TV.


I decided to open up this point as I heard that Adam Yauch is dead, and he happened to be one of those men that I first realized I ‘liked’ at that age just by mere presentation. Later on following the Beastie’s career and perceiving him as the ‘serious’ Beastie Boy, being a Buddhist, supporting activism like ‘Free Tibet’ and probably responsible for presenting the more ‘humane’ side to the media from the band, as well as being a music video director and the author of that rocking bass riff on Sabotage which is one of the songs that first drove me nuts as a child. This type of ‘sensitivity’ and humanitarian side within artists going for activism was an extra point I wanted to do, as I also waned to ‘do good’ but never knew how, and if if hadn’t been for Desteni, I would have mostly become a Zen Buddhism sucker myself supporting some charity programs on the way – if possible.

So, I’ll use that as a reference to build also ideas about ‘who I want to be’ in the future, which due to my extensive exposure to music and videos, I knew it had to do something with music– I went from wanting to be a musician, to a music journalist, a writer then a visual artist.

“I commit myself to demonstrate how the greed of self-interest forms the foundation of the philosophy of the soul. “ Bernard Poolman


I wanted to be as ‘free’ as I perceived people on TV/ music industry which is obviously linked to them having a life in a million with a million in their pocket,  where all fame and glory is bursting at their feet. I could ‘sense’ the power that they would ooze when being performing. Music was always ‘the point’ within my life wherein I said many times ‘music saved my life’ just because for many years I did not care about anything o anyone other than listening to music, playing guitar and being immersed in my watercolor world, which smells like the perfect teen spirit that is brewing entire generations of ‘I don’t give a fuck about life’ in our reality, where everyone is just aiming to mimic the next greatest act in a furtive attempt to become famous in any way possible.


Therefore, I am proof of how anything that you get exposed to as child, you absorb and eventually end up molding yourself to achieve, according to the stereotypes that I would watch on TV, specifically musicians. So, the ‘music artist’ type of personality was developed at this early age – I grew up with MTV and I got exposed to so much bullshit that lead me to be more ‘open minded’ about life in general which was ‘cool’ from the sense that it allowed me to cope with ‘reality’ as our current culture with more ease, however I lead myself to want to ‘experience ‘that lifestyle’ as well.


Before I ever sought God or dedicated enough time to seek for the mysteries on life, I would spend my time being in la la land dreaming about music, about becoming an artist and profiling myself to achieve that type of lifestyle that I knew that was mostly impossible as a one in a million chance – but hey, it was all about the ‘attitude’ and having a ‘good time’ while dreaming about it.


An interview that really brought my feet back to the ground in the past weeks was Seeing the Good when only the Bad Prevails as it is about a musician that points out to change this world we have to stick to what must be done, and not what we like or would prefer to do at the moment. And that allowed me to also see how I had blamed myself for not being following too much in the artwork but being actually busy redefining ‘art’ as myself – therefore, no pressure as this is all about self-realization wherein I cannot possibly define me only as a single ‘tag’ in this world – hell no.


And so, this was the foundation of my ‘philosophy in life’ attempting to accumulate the most experiences for my own pleasure and benefit, getting closer to god in any way I could, even if this god meant watching endless hours of music videos absorbing the reality of such individuals that I simply wanted to live like as well. No wonder we have all kids wanting to be famous and artists nowadays, and or explicitly singing along to songs like wanting to be a millionaire and being rich girls,  it’s all directly proportional to the amount of media exposure you have.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to absorb anything that I would watch on MTV as a source of inspiration to ‘build my life upon,’ which means that I accepted and allowed the idea of being famous and recognized, along with having a great ‘attitude’ as a source of inspiration to ‘fulfill my dreams,’ which weren’t taking into consideration anything or anyone else but my own desires to be happy and ‘free’ within the idealized version of myself I would create from watching other artists as well.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a musician was ‘my dream’ and that I would be able to make a lot of money from ‘doing what I like,’ which is the type of thinking that has compromised ourselves to neglect the actual reality in this world wherein we have to do and direct ourselves to live/do/ act upon that which we might not necessarily ‘prefer’ or initially ‘enjoy’ doing – yet it is required to be done, otherwise I have realized that I cannot enjoy myself just ‘creating’ and ‘having a good time’ while knowing that a single other being in this world that doesn’t even have money to eat is wondering why the hell us people with money are doing nothing to support them.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create and follow dreams of fame and fortune when I was a child from watching artists, and considering that ‘this was an acceptable easy way to live,’ as I perceived that it would be easy to make money/ be famous from doing what you like, which is the type of thinking within this ‘dreamer’ personality that I followed when I decided to make an art career and making myself believe that ‘it would be easy to support myself in it’ – yet never actually walking the necessary steps and practical points to actually make a living out of it.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to idolize people that represented freedom, carelessness, humor and strength as confidence,  as an entire package of ‘fame’ and ‘fortune’ which is what I sought as well in order to experience myself as, because of how I would see them express themselves when giving interviews and talking about how ‘great’ their lives were, in this believing that it is perfectly ‘fine’ to want to fulfill my dreams of fame and fortune, because ‘everyone else is doing it! So why can’t we?’


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘make it okay’ to follow my mind into dreaming about fame and fortune, which were the first steps to only create a personalized continuous drive to ‘become someone in this world’ wherein I thought that making money and being famous and ‘having a place in the world’ would lead me to create some form of influence on others to ‘change the world.’


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that music could change the world, that a work of art could ‘change the world,’ I see and remember how I built and acquired these ideas from the endless times I would hear artists and their stories about being just regular people getting together to play, getting signed and ‘living out their dreams,’ which seemed fairly simple to myself and in that, pursuing a career wherein I could live out a similar life wherein you are not exactly in a regular job within the system, but still earning lots of money.


I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to ponder if I would have desired to be an artist or a musician or anything else for that matter if there was no money involved at all? My mind says yes, but I cannot trust it as that would come from an ingrained judgment toward making money out of my artwork so, not recommended to hear these thoughts wherein I essentially allowed my ‘career’ to become another attempt to escape the system.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to value artists as ‘more than everyone else in the world’ because of perceiving them as ‘fighters’ for what they wanted to be and become, and for being open minded and activists, which lead me to become aware of how there could be apparently some ‘effect’ within such fame-fortune positions to mitigate the problems in the world if/when reaching such status in the world, never knowing how this entire reality was set up in such a bright way to ensure that we would always fall for that which seemed like ‘sweet’ to live and experience ourselves in. In my case, the desire to be a musician, an artist became stronger the more I was preparing myself to eventually be part of this ‘artsy music’ world.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop the ideas and acceptances of ‘idolizing’ wherein I became infatuated with musicians and their lives, studying their lives and wanting to have some sort of ‘out of nowhere’ knock on my door to make me famous, just as some of them would tell about in their personal stories around music.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that because everyone dreamed of having all the money in the world, being ‘the best’ and doing anything possible to achieve that, I could also only focus on living up and aspire to become part of such ‘easy lifestyle’ wherein it seemed much easier to live out of creating art, making music or writing than anything else in this world, which is how I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to only being a certain ‘idea’ that would then experience frustration and dissatisfaction when this ‘dream’ would seem like something beyond myself, which I deliberately ignored and still went for it, because of believing that I could somehow ‘find my way’ while being in it.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to disregard taking into consideration the practical steps that are required to participate within this world in a suitable position to create enough financial stability to then consider that I am actually ‘building my life,’ instead I allowed myself to use a career choice and preferences as a point that I followed with no practical considerations or regard toward actually supporting a point in this world that would benefit the whole and not only myself and my pursuit of happiness.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make it ‘okay’ to aspire to be someone with ‘lots of money’ without ever regarding why are we even following and chasing after money, when in fact all that is here as myself can agree that the current relationships we have created as this entire world system, are Not benefitting everyone equally. So, we require to create the new standard wherein we finally understand that we can only continue living in this world if each one takes responsibility for one point within the world to benefit the whole, to correct the relationships of self-interest and self-glorification into actual reforms and changes within our starting point, ensuring that we live by the principle of what’s best for All as life in Equality.


I commit myself to educate myself and others about the actual conditions that are imprinted within a child at a tender age when being exposed to media without any practical considerations of what is it that is being promoted and the reasons behind the support toward such activities that support the ‘pursuit of happiness’ with no regard whatsoever to what this dream-seeking position supports in this world.


I commit myself to create a world wherein media is no longer driven by money/ profit and indoctrination to accept ‘wealth’ and ‘fame’ as the standards promoted from a very young age within a child, which are being the key factors that have ensured that all kids aim to ‘be famous’ and eventually ‘be on TV’ just because of how ‘being rich/ being wealthy’ has been associated with happiness, glory, bliss and the ultimate apparent fulfillment within a world system where money has become it all within a human being’s life. I realize that I must expose the fallacies we’ve been living by and make sure that no money is ever promoted as a ‘lifestyle’ in this world, but instead becomes the way to provide life in equality for all.


I commit myself to expose the brainwashing that children undergo by seemingly ‘innocent activities’ such as watching any regular entertainment on TV, wherein programs are being perfectly crafted to instill patterns of consumerism and hierarchical values that become part of the inherent acceptances within children, wherein someone that is on ‘TV’ is seen as a semi-god while seeing the rest of the world as ‘not as good as/ not good enough’ in comparison to the fictional reality of fame, fortune and apparent ‘freedom’ that is presented in bright photoshopped versions of what ‘life’ is supposed to be.


The only way that real entertainment will emerge is when there is no money behind it, no matter how ‘good’ artist’s intentions have been, there’s been no ‘change’ in the world coming from that, as this world requires an overall participation of each individual within the consideration that life can only exist in Equality if we ALL participate equally to create a world that is best for all.





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