Tag Archives: admiration

619. Learning From Relationships

 

I listened to three audios on Eqafe that I find essential to listen for everyone, considering how most of us – or so far I’ve only known one person in my life that was not interested in having a relationship – are usually looking for and aiming to ‘find that ONE person’ to establish a relationship with.  Here are the titles: Fear of Missing Out on a Fulfilling Relationship – Fears & Phobias, Using Relationships to Hide From Myself – Life Review, Time Alone Before Time Together – Life Review.

When I listened to the Life Review specifically, I could relate to what the woman shared with regards to the little time spent without and in between relationships and how that affected her in disconnecting from herself, from who she was and how much the constant seeking for a relationship made her dependent on the ‘other’ person to be complete within herself – this might be a bit of a vague description on my side, so I definitely recommend you listen to her story yourself. But! here I’m focusing on sharing what opened up for me as I was listening to her story.

First of all realizing that I have been in such kind of situation where I would end a relationship and start another one right away, not spending time alone to reconsider where I am and who I have been in the relationship –  in terms of what were my lessons learned, points expanded, faults, mistakes, things I can be grateful for etc. – and instead jumping into the next relationship. This is probably one of those weakest points I’ve had throughout my life and one that I have been particularly – secretly – ashamed of because it is obvious that it involves a lack of honesty towards myself within relationships in terms of what I can accept and allow, what I can commit to and how I have disregarded the consequences and the effect that me changing my mind about relationships can have on the partner and people around as well.

I share this because I do consider it vital to apply what the woman shares about her story, to be able to take some time off from relationships in order to ‘get back to oneself’. I’ve done both things and will share my experience in both situations.

There was a time that I’ve recently in my mind judged as very bleak, lonely and fruitless, this happened when I was living in Mexico City and I deliberately decided to learn to be alone – in a rather ‘extreme’ way to be alone I’d say – being then fully aware of my tendency to become dependent on being ‘always there’ for other people, being the kind of partner that lives the life of the partner and has none of her own – I decided to learn to be by myself –that means without relationships – and learn to know what I enjoy doing, learn to be comfortable being alone and doing things alone, going out shopping, to the movies, living on my own. Yes, maybe I took it to the extreme in terms of the lack of interaction I had with other people – including family and friends – but that’s something I am also now learning to do in terms of not being too extreme in the way that I decide to change things. So, in a nutshell, I call it my monkish period, and as much as in my mind I’ve judged it as a generally ‘bleak’ time, when I recently looked deeper into it to not resent my choices at that time, I see that such years were dedicated to live ‘me’, to know me better, to learn to be alone, to learn to do things that I decide to do – not that someone else ‘takes me’ to do – and there was a sense of independence formed that I would not trade off or change, because it assisted me to see where and how I compromised myself many times for the sake of being in a relationship and existing in fear of ‘losing’ something that I now know was not best for me, was constantly emotional, troublesome and detrimental to my expression and my living.

Then I got to a point where I decided I could establish a relationship again and I did, again looking back not having the best starting point because it did come from having formed an experience of alones at the time, but I tried to make it work nonetheless. I had settled in one relationship believing I could change the person, conforming in certain ways to make it work and taking the compromise lightly to say the least, not fully being aware of the commitment that I was making at the time and the challenges it represented. But I wanted to make it work for both of us, which didn’t happen. At least I proved to myself that I could fully and absolutely commit to another and still see that even if I am doing all that I can to assist and be ‘there’ for another, it takes two to tango to stand on the same page. I broke that relationship even if there were legal formalities formed with it.

After that, I had a few months to yes go through the sorrow, pain and ‘disconnection’ process from that relationship but I did decide to enter a new relationship after that; though fortunately enough did still have the opportunity to be alone and process through all of the things that I had accepted and allowed – created – in the previous relationship. But still, I do consider that I went ahead too fast and without much consideration of the implication of making such decisions not only for myself, but for the other person as well. This year I repeated the same, because of not having had that needed time to ground myself around relationships and one thing I can tell is that unless one has an understanding partner that has full awareness of the previous relationship patterns, it can be a disaster recipe to go jumping from one relationship to another.

I was in a way fortunate that my partner was understanding of it all, not that he approves of what I’ve done and my relationship habits, but again, he is aware and he made a decision to stand with me anyways and understood that I had things to process from my previous relationships at the same time as starting a new one. The thing that I want to share is how it’s not a bright idea to not give oneself time to be alone after a relationship ends, it can lead to not fully considering things in terms of what one is able to commit to and the effect it may have by making a decision without proper time for reflection, for personal assessment of the mistakes, the things allowed, the points that one needs to self-forgive and work through, because it does ‘filter’ or ‘spill through’ to the new relationship and it may lead to ruin if one does not handle the situation with proper sense of responsibility and communicating about it and again, having a partner that can understand and not take it personally either.

So from my recent experience, this kind of situation led to a great amount of stress that I became unaware of – apparently – and I became sick or having certain health issues almost on a regular basis for the past months. This can also be a narrow perspective on my health situation, but this is what I’ve concluded recently, that I put myself under a lot of stress because of the decisions I made in relation to relationships, where not being honest with myself and towards others led me to compromise myself and that became an ingredient to constantly be thinking of guilt, burdening myself with the ‘wrong doings’ while at the same time starting a new relationship and opening up all the potentials that this entails. It’s not a great thing to walk an ending and a beginning simultaneously – point learned.

I would not be able to share this from a clearer view currently if it wasn’t for the process that I did to self-forgive myself for my decisions, my actions and mistakes,  my short-sights and also forgiving myself for the damage caused to others by my lack of consideration or selfishness that this kind of situations entail. However, I also understood that there’s no point in continuing to flagellate myself emotionally, all that I can do is learn from it and know that I cannot repeat this kind of behavior again in my life, or I’d be simply falling again into my old patterns that I’ve worked on already. I did judge myself because of wanting to ‘make things right’ and ‘work through it’ and in a way being in disbelief that I could have managed to ‘repeat myself’ in patterns that I thought I had changed over the ‘monkish’ phase of being alone and without relationships – but, as I now know, I cannot be sure that something is entirely ‘clear’ and ‘transcended’ within me at all, it always takes a daily – constant – decision to act in the way that is right, that is supportive, that is considering consequences, that is responsible and self-honest for myself and for others that I have an effect on.

Currently I assess my situation on a constant basis when it comes to my relationship, because it has enabled me to see where I could be compromising myself or constructively compare how I have now seen that I was compromising myself before when trying to ‘be’ something for someone else in a relationship.  When I decided to be in this relationship, I did take the time to consider who I wanted to be in it and what would be of myself IF the relationship simply doesn’t work, knowing I could stand on my own two feet as well. So, I might have taken a ‘big risk’ considering  the rushed and somewhat risky decision making processes I’ve taken in the past without much ‘thought’ into my relationships, but this time I did make sure to entirely be ‘me’ making the decision and fully taking the responsibility for what I decide to make of it. 

I did take the time to assess the person, even if it was a relative short amount of time of doing this, there were characteristics that stood out for me enough to consider how this could work through, which included sharing with him the process I’ve walked with relationships, the weaknesses, the mistakes I’ve made, the dishonesties, the repetitive patterns I’ve had and that I still have such points to work through for me, to reestablish my self-trust in relationships – with all the past disclosed – and this is now where I can prove to myself that I can stand in an equal manner in loyalty, honor, respect and integrity that such person has given to himself throughout his life, which I am currently learning a lot from as well.

It is not my position to share his views here, but in a way I do want to do it, because he’s that person I mentioned at the beginning that has been known by everyone – and himself – to not desire a relationship or ‘lust’ over women at all. Everyone had always asked him when he would have a relationship and he always said that wasn’t something he was looking for, explicitly not interested on because he knew himself as a different kind of person that would find it hard to find a woman that could ‘stand’ through his ways of living life and the principles he has. He just wanted to work and focus on bettering his life. Well, that kind of approach led him to learn to live and be for himself the best that he can be. He is probably one of the few people I know that loves himself and regards himself as a self-made man that wasn’t always dedicated and hardworking to get to be who he is now, but made a decision to step out of the shadows and strive to do what he was told was ‘impossible’ for him to achieve. That sort of strength made him aware of his capacity and potential, which is part of the characteristics that I saw made him a ‘whole’ man already, not really looking or searching or being ‘needy’ for anything or anyone to ‘complete’ him or make him feel ‘better’ about himself.

This is how he considers that most people should not constantly go jumping from one relationship to another, but be able to be alone even for the rest of their lives if necessary, because they are not yet the best for and towards themselves. This view is perceived as too ‘extreme’ by his friends, but I’ve come to understand his point based on what he has lived and what I have lived and the consequences I’ve faced because of having held this constant belief that ‘I need to be in a relationship’ and the outflow this has. I’m not saying that this is how it’s supposed to be, but simply different ways to approach the relationships. Mine was more ‘trial and error’ and yes causing consequences for me and for others, his was more of a holistic approach of deciding to be in a relationship if and when the right person would exist for that.

Of course, he is now in a relationship and that may seem contradictory for many, but he explains how this is the first relationship he’s ever had – and took it to the level of absolute commitment and responsibility, which has led him to explore and open up many more ways of enjoyment in life, more than the ones that he already had been living on his own. I don’t want to sound like I’m praising him, but I do want to share  this because I’ve noticed how many strengths are built through deciding to be ‘the best for you’, to learn to be a man – or a woman – for oneself first, to learn to love, care, be the joy of our own lives instead of expecting something or someone to come and ‘save us’ or ‘fulfill’ our lives in one way or another. So, his usual perspective or ‘advice’ to anyone is to learn to be alone and learn to be ok with themselves, letting go of the notion of needing a relationship – and even better, to not participate or create a habit in desiring sex or porn or that sort of mental-masturbation in relation to women – or the opposite sex – at all, which leads to a genuine discovery of physical expression in a relationship, probably something that most people ‘seek out’ through mind stimulation and my take is that this pollutes or ‘disconnects’ us from the ‘hereness’, the physical development of actual touch and clear-mindedness so to speak required in a developing a physical relationship. This is not only related to sexual expression, but also in relation to fully focusing on being with the one person you decide to be with and not entertaining any thoughts, ideas, beliefs or glances at something or ‘someone else out there’ that ‘could be better’ than the relationship one has decided to be in.

What I’ve gathered from my time with him is how it truly takes that sort of diligence to honor and respect oneself and not exist solely for the idea of a ‘relationship’ as something to ‘get to’ or ‘find’ as an absolute goal in one’s life. It seems that as one focuses and works on fulfilling oneself and becoming that person that one enjoys looking at in the mirror – and not only for appearance level – but for the person one shapes of oneself – then one simply aligns with people that are on that same ‘track’ so to speak in their life, and that’s how you meet and realize that it is something that can work as a betterment platform for both, which was my approach as well when deciding to establish this relationship. We both agreed that this was going to be a relationship of two fulfilled individuals walking together, me knowing that if I decide to no longer be in the relationship, he’s not going to be ‘needing’ me as such, but will continue his life and endeavors as usual and vice versa – communication and understanding and assessment at any time.  The relative ease with which this agreement-  as he also called it – was able to be established is simply because of seeing the affinity in our ways of thinking and living and our principles and the way of living as well as our aims in life. I am fully aware some of my views are not that ‘popular’ with regular people, because they may sound too ‘out there’ or ‘difficult to achieve’- but not for him.  Then it is simply like two notes resonating at the same level that consider they can join in and create a harmony that will better the sound in each other’s life – and that’s what it currently is and has been.

There are so many more things that I’ve been learning about myself in relation to him in that have opened my eyes to see what kind of limitations I was making ‘ok’ within previous relationships, where and how I was not being honest with myself and rather molding or making myself ‘comfortable ‘about things that I wasn’t entirely willing to live with, but made it all ‘ok’ because of the idea that no one can be perfect and that I would always have to kind of ‘struggle’ in a relationship – now I know it doesn’t have to be this way. And I’m not saying this is currently perfect, but now I know that there can be people that can be at that same level of self-awareness and self will to live a different life than most people, which is what I’m here to do in this world, to continue cutting through the mold and not limit my expression, my ‘wacky’ way of being that I have come to re-ignite and rediscover within myself, something that makes me enjoy life more and something that I had judged as ‘not fit’ for everyone’s taste and so believing I had to be more ‘accommodating’ for others. In a nutshell, I’ve come to be aware of self-compromise, which is also one  tendency I’ve had in relationships where I kind of sink into the background and mold myself to fit into the idea of who I believe the other person wants me to be – even if this is most of the times my own projection.

The bottom line is that even if one can make ‘mistakes’ in relationships, the point is to always learn more about oneself, to use each opportunity one has to share one’s life and expression with another to learn more about who we are with each person, and yes unfortunately at times getting to also know the ‘darker’ aspects of ourselves – not to be turned into something necessarily bad or evil – simply recognizing that there are things that may be subtle at first but eventually build up or accumulate to compromise, to diminish ourselves even in the most ‘unnoticeable’ ways and I say ‘unfortunately’ – yet at the same time, I would not have known otherwise if I had not made mistakes and learned to see where I truly want to be in terms of standing in a relationship with someone else, first of all checking – on a constant basis – not to limit, diminish or compromise me in order to ‘be’ in a relationship as a need point.

So, having said this, I now realize that as painful, troublesome and consequential it is, mistakes allow us to also see the paths that we don’t want to follow through. Sure, it’s best when we can identify this earlier on and not have situations escalate and have more consequential breakups, but I now see that this is something quite specific for me to face based on the life that I had lived before I started this process with Desteni, my ‘processing’ done in that alone time and how I do realize how easy it is to slip back into old programming if not fully considering one’s actions and acting again on a ‘whim’ so to speak, making decisions without giving myself time to know first of all where I stand and then where I would want to stand in relation to someone else.

Based on my experience and the example I shared about my partner and how he led his life, I see that the best thing one can do is to give oneself time to learn to BE for oneself, to learn to truly love and appreciate yourself first, to be that one person that you can enjoy living with so that no matter who you join your life with – or not at all – you continue being whole and complete by yourself, so that 1+1 equals 2 instead of being existing as a half that seeks another half to create a codependent relationship that most likely ends up in compromise, diminishment and harm towards one another.

A relationship is a platform of support to become a better person, to grow, to learn from each other, to communicate openly without holding back or secrets, to express openly, to test and try new ways of living and expressing without judgment, to walk through disagreements and challenges with understanding – but! to do all of these great things takes a lot of self-work first, otherwise we base our entire ‘wellbeing’ on another person ‘all of this’ for us, and that’s where the fuckup usually is. So! Self first, always, then the rest of the people or situations that may come into our live become opportunities of expansion, a complement that can be beneficial not only for the people in the relationship but also for those that surround the relationship and for whatever is created within the relationship, which becomes an example of what a supportive relationship can be in a world where most exist in consequences and conflict – my personal view and experience here.

Ok so that’s it, again, listen to the Eqafe recordings, they are a great eye opener to understand more of what I shared here as my ups and downs, my faults, my points to learn and correct through relationships.

Can also learn to do this through the Relationship Course in Desteni which assisted me to ground many of the foundations that I now realize have to be lived in a very disciplined way of establishing self-honesty within self, otherwise they become nice principles on paper only – as always, the key is to live it and REALLY stick to Doing it.

Thanks for reading

 

Self First -

 

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Looking at Art–what is going on up there?

I went to a museum yesterday. I was originally planning on looking only at Ron Mueck’s sculptures, but ended up spending more time looking at two photography exhibitions.  I decided to write about this even though in my mind there are thoughts of ‘Oh you’ve written about this topic several times already,’ but I certainly require to debunk and expose for myself the exact thoughts experienced when looking at photographs. This is then to expose another part of the personality that I created for myself as a ‘sensitive person’ to images that I have defined as ‘art’ and experiencing at times that ‘no one could feel what I could feel’ when looking at an image. This was more prominent in the past and it was also experienced when listening to particular music or reading particular books – in essence when consuming another’s expression.

The ‘Artist’ personality

The memory that comes up and that I probably didn’t expose for myself yet was when I went to see Gabriel Orozco’s major exhibit in the Palacio de Bellas Artes here in Mexico City. I had recently became aware of his work back then which created or I created a great ‘rift’ within me in terms of his photographs, which was another form of comparing the stuff I was just ‘playing around with’ at that time with photography and how he had ‘already done it.’ After watching the entire exhibit that day, I went to the toilet and cried in the bathroom – why? I don’t know it was like a sense of everything I wanted to do is already done so ‘what the hell am I up for?’ That was during my first year of art school. He became this elusive idea of what I wanted to be, really successful and really wanting the kind of recognition that would enable me to share with the world my views and perspectives on life as there’s always been a desire to share with others how I see the world.

I met the guy one day because he went to my school to record some TV program about him, I even approached him as the ‘fan’ that I was and told him how his work had inspired me – but in fact it was more like being able to relate to how he views the world. Then I gave him some of my old tin boxes filled with dried peels of litchis and I asked someone to take a picture of us. Funny but he is certainly like the Mexican art rockstar and I felt even ‘cooler’ because he studied in my school. It all became irrelevant afterwards though.
I see that the pattern that plays out after visiting an art exhibit,  has been an ‘underlying’ experience that I hadn’t been able to pin point for myself then – this is in my mind not wanting to admit that I am comparing ‘my work’ to others and wondering ‘why am I not there on those walls as well?’

Part of my desires within art – as I’ve previously exposed – were that of recognition and so what emerges is really that resonant aspect that I have attached to ‘art.’ This has played out in a constant polarity coming-and-going point because I am well aware of how I made the decision to not participate in that, yet still having such thoughts coming up which is part of the inherent programming I had attached to ‘marlen as the artist’ which is a tag that makes me revolt a bit when I read it, which is just part of the aspects that we expose for ourselves to be able to walk the correction into equalization.

So, through this process I decided to not ‘seek’ such fame anymore, I stopped any effort to seek for places to show my work and focused on walking my own process. I see there has been also this constant ‘projected blame’ on to my own decision to ‘walk/dedicate myself to process and Desteni’ and leaving all things art aside, merely going to school and do what I had to do without giving it any further input into it, which is certainly required if you ‘wanna be someone’ within the art world. Though this blame is certainly only at a thought level because I wouldn’t be able to be standing in front of a canvass for hours every day pretending to be doing something ‘there’ while being absolutely disconnected from the world I live in ‘here’ – which is how I used to be living my life as an artist. It’s cool to see how this is just a thought-based reaction without really taking into consideration what this would mean in reality such as ‘dedicating myself to art full-time’ in terms of creating art in the most traditional ways. We can certainly direct art to be whatever we want it to be in terms of being able to support ourselves. I tend to be an absolutist within my life which is something I have to balance out to give myself proper time for everything and not just renounce to ‘the world’ for the sake of ‘only’ doing something and that’s it.

Going to Museums

There has been a pattern that comes up when ‘visiting museums,’ there is a point that ‘drives’ me to it which I simply haven’t been able to realize ‘why’ I go – It can be to get some sort of ‘inspiration’ which I’ve been calling feedback and simply seeing what is being created in the institutionalized art world; the other one is for the creation of the experiences which I am still ‘seeking’ to get from going to see art – that’s one of the points I can see is something I am not fully admitting because of perceiving that is dishonest- though it’s even more so to keep it secret even for myself.

Back to the Museum point. These two particular photography exhibitions were of Mexican photographers from the first half of the past century and the pattern that emerges when watching some of them is: ‘they’ve done it all already’ or ‘I do similar stuff, why aren’t my pictures on museums?’ or ‘why am I not famous?’ ‘Why haven’t I sold any images yet?’ – well, by this I mean in an actual art market.

Back to the point to debunk here:  I am in front of the image and I think ‘I’ve done stuff like this’ – comparison

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with a mental judgment to an image I am viewing and immediately link it to ‘my work’ wherein comparison emerges as a way of being able to ‘equate’ what I do to that which is considered ‘art’ and is inserted in such sphere/ category of ‘importance,’ ‘value’ and ‘admiration’ that I have given and imprinted to images within the context of a museum as ‘consecrated art’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder ‘why I am not there?’ which is a reaction that comes after comparing ‘what I do’ to what I see in museums and seeking my own benefit of  ‘being recognized/ admired’ through presenting photographs, just so that ‘I’ in the form of photographs could be looked at equal-to such artists which people have already placed in a pedestal, creating a sphere of respect and recognition around them, which is what I would aspire to get to as well.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that within comparing ‘what I do’ to others is in fact seeking to make myself ‘worthy’ at my own eyes, worthy at the eyes of others and seeking a form of validation through ‘stuff’ that I do which I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to give to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a wallowing point while ‘admiring’ someone’s work because I consider that ‘it’s been done, what am I doing then?’ – in this existing as the desire to be ‘special’ and ‘unique’ in terms of creating/ taking ‘unique’ pictures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give ‘value’ and ‘worth’ to something that I can conceive as ‘unique’ and ‘special’ within my own value-schemes which is nothing else but a make-believe system that supports no one, that is in fact not real and that cannot be of any support to who I really am as Life here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into memories of people ‘recognizing my work’ back in the day and experiencing it as a ‘consolation’ to my self created defeatism the moment I am staring in front of the photograph, in means of ‘uplifting myself’ when seeing myself ‘diminishing’ me according to this process of comparing ‘my work’ to others’ work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this possession around ‘what I do’ as ‘my work’ and within this creating an entire personality and alternate reality of myself based on ‘what I do’ being ‘my own’ as something that defines me, that values who I am and that gives me some type of ‘self-worth’ which is in fact a creation outside of myself.

I stand in front of a photograph I like for whatever reasons I could find in the moment – light, textures, contrasts, topic which I usually coming from a point where I can ‘relate’ to it –  and what I see is wanting to ‘possess’ the picture, be the owner of it, being able to say ‘I took this’ and be proud of it/ feel good about it. This is really funny when writing it out because we can see it’s all ego bs, but it’s how it exists at the moment, so best to expose it for what it is so that I become aware of what plays out in the back of my head while watching these photographs, masking it/ overshadowing the initial experience and thoughts with ‘amazement’ and ‘profound attention’ which is me just trying to eat the whole thing up and make it ‘my own.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘possess’ and want to ‘own’ that which I believe  is superior to myself, that which I see is ‘better than me’ in order to be able to ‘control’ it and feel ‘equally-cool’ to it within my self-created schemes of value/ worth that are only relevant to myself in my mind and have no direct reference to myself in this reality where a picture is just  a picture and I am just an observer of that picture – end of story.

The point of debunking this entire sentimentalism experienced when ‘looking at art’ has been a point I’ve worked with for quite some time now. I remember talking about being a visual vicious almost at the beginning of my process, which is what I have been deliberately stopping in the sense of making everything ‘more than it is’ within my mind – but I still take photographs and I still run into these thoughts and participate within them. I’m not as obsessed as before, but it’s still playing out whenever I am placing myself in a room where all you have to do is look at videos and photographs and sounds that may accompany them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a sense of ‘despair’ whenever I am done looking at an image that I liked just because of me having wanted to be ‘the one’ that was there, hanging on a wall as a photograph. It’s all ego based certainly but there is also a desire to share and to ‘make others feel what I feel’ which is also personality-based and won’t ever be ‘real’ in terms of all experiences being but a mind creation.

In essence in terms of photographs is just presenting reality to another from a certain perspective, it shouldn’t be any different to anything else like reading, looking at our environment, watching TV or any other thing we do with our eyes = no added ‘value’ or ‘worth’ within that and just take reality for what it is – they can either be supportive or not, it’s not about comparing myself to each word/ image as words just like images and this world in its entirety is just here and we can only use them as tools to express and convey a message without trying to make of the message something ‘profound,’ or seeking to ‘touch the core of the being’ with it which is what I tried to do somehow in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project on to ‘what I do’ my own desire for recognition and desire to please others wherein I wanted people to experience what I was experiencing within me, I wanted to make others ‘see what I saw/ how I saw it’ for the sake of creating a sense of ‘relationship.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to ‘connect’ with others without realizing I haven’t even gotten to know myself completely which is the primary point of connection/ self-recognition that I actually sought for within beginning an art-career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to ‘connect’ with others without allowing me first to ‘connect with myself’ as the point of self-acceptance and self-revelation wherein I stop seeking others to ‘confirm’ who I am and give ‘value’ to it, but instead I walk the process to get to know myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek ‘freedom’ through creating art in separation of myself instead of realizing that getting to know myself and creating myself is the actual freedom one can give oneself in this lifetime.

When it all began….

Memory pops up – when I began painting, I did a bunch of stuff and would keep it to myself. I created an ‘msn group’ to share them with some friends I had in the internet back then whose opinions ‘mattered’ to me in the sense of them being also into writing or music. I became then more ‘aware’ of the paintings having an impact on others, this is probably the moment where I started making of these drawings and paintings something ‘more’ because they started getting recognition and admiration from others. The moment that I showed it in ‘real life’ to my friends, they would also like it and appreciate it  the same way, which began creating a certain ‘fulfillment’ within me after I had only expressed myself in what I deemed the ‘cheapest way possible’ in a literal sense of what that implies. Yes money is also part of the limitations to create art obviously.

When watching some of the photographs at the museum  – besides the entire inner tantrum of ‘why aren’t my pictures here?/ why am I not recognized?’ there is this desire to want those people to see what I do and probably get equal recognition from them. This is probably why meeting such ‘artist’ I mentioned earlier and giving him the link to my blog seemed like something pertinent to do – lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be recognized by the people that I have deemed as ‘superior’/ ‘good’/ ‘masters’ in what they do so that I could have a ‘space’ next-to-them wherein I see and realize I have been keeping a sense of value and worth upon people wherein I become my own measuring point to ‘become like them,’ but from the ‘seeking fame/ recognition’ perspective to eventually ‘out do them.’

This is my own capitalist mind in the form of ‘innocent values’ attached to images and art creation – fascinating because as much as I could have criticized the exorbitant prices that art-pieces are sold for, I have been giving them just the same type of value and superiority according to my own schemes of what they are worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be devaluing or not valuing myself which is the inferiority play out whenever I react and seek ‘recognition’ from what I perceive as ‘great artists’ and ‘great people’ which is another way of wanting to manipulate the world to suit my needs and desires of being recognized.

There is nothing wrong within taking someone as an example – yet the point is being aware of how to stand equal-to that instead of creating an entire comparison point wherein we try to either ‘equate’ ourselves to the person from the ego perspective, to eventually ‘out do’ them or actually supporting ourselves to become more effective in what we do, whatever the action/ doing is about.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to look at art unconditionally from people that are ‘famous’ = recognized by the system, and instead accessing a projected valuing-system wherein I become the measuring point in relation to them wherein I am comparing myself to others’ creations and from there, assessing ‘how good/ bad I am’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually go to museums and watch photographs not from the entire starting point of ‘self enjoyment’ and self-reflection, but as an actual measuring point in terms of ‘where I stand’ in comparison to them.

This brings up a memory of a point that I could identify myself with when watching the movie ‘Pollock’ who was btw the first painter that really got me into wanting to paint. He appears saying one of his ‘famous’ quotes: ‘Fuck Picasso! he’s done it all’ while being drunk as hell. That’s the same I could experience in that moment when reacting emotionally to seeing the work of artists and comparing myself to them.

Funny because I had deemed myself not as an ‘artist’ but as someone that paints, takes photographs, draws and makes some videos for the sake of enjoyment. But when it comes to relating to ‘other artists,’ the self definition comes up and what is existing then is this desire to be  ‘at the same height.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use humbleness as a mask to cover up my own desires for recognition – no wonder polarity is such a fuck up really, both poles perpetuate one another.

When watching these photographs and video by Suter other points emerged – besides the ‘I’ve made a video just like that, I have a photo just like that’ points, the money aspect came up. I read all the institutions and sponsors of his work which gives me an idea of how he’s able to print photographs on gesso or use massive copper plates as the media for his photographs. He reminded me of another artist from Colombia which became part of another ‘downfall’ at that time in terms of discovering artists and being ‘profoundly  touched’ by their work- lol whatever that meant at that time which is something along the lines of becoming emotional, I would cry about these type of things like ‘being too sensitive’ for the world  and using photographs as a way to make others see what I saw, wanting to be ‘understood’ without realizing that only mind systems seek for recognition, seek to be understood and ultimately seek to be ‘special’ or ‘different to the rest of the people’ due to such ‘view’ on life.

All about the same personality traits.

So, I’ve opened up the point here which is a superiority/inferiority mechanism that is triggered when comparing myself to others that I deem as ‘good’ at something, this can be extended to virtually everything and it can only be ego based wherein I am judging myself, my expression and what I do and then projecting it in comparison to another’s expression and abilities, which is literally wanting to run a race against ‘air’ itself because it’s all based on mental schemes of what is of value and worth in relation to others. A reverend mindfuck indeed.

Coming back Here

This is something that I had written out last Saturday and left it ‘hanging’ for a while because of perceiving that I had opened up a ‘vast’ point and that it required a major re-cap to continue, which I realized now when I got myself ‘back to it’ that it was all a mind creation of it, just as everything else that I perceive is ‘too much’ and ends up being nothing else but a mere idea of it being ‘too much’ in my mind.

I went to another museum yesterday, this time being more aware of being driven by the general material that has been emerging around this particular exhibit which is what caught my attention. This time I got to see stuff that was challenging the current accepted concepts of identity, economy, society and the general names we’ve given to everything in this world, turning it all into something very obvious to see and become aware of once that you get a proper read of the work – which is something that I still doubt happens in its totality as a form of becoming an educational tool. I see this ‘flaw’ in these type of conceptual works, you require a certain reference and knowledge to be able to ‘get it’ otherwise it remains as an intellectual non-comprehensible joke.

At least this time this exhibition showed more of an overall reflection on the current system we’re living in which is something that must definitely be expanded as a general activity of us human beings living in this current context, starting questioning it to see how we have configured it this way.

This brings us back to the point of self-creation as being our own work of art wherein we redefine art to the actual creation of ourselves as Equals wherein non of this entire value-system mindfuck will be able to exist because it’s all been inherently linked to an entire star-system in the art world wherein only a ‘selected few’ get to be ‘on top of the world’ and getting all the money and recognition while the rest are left outside of the circuit in its entirety.

This entire system we’re living in is based on competition which is linked to the money system in all ways as well, therefore this will become an obsolete aspect once that we are able to live and express regardless of any specific ‘framework’ of reference such as the ‘art world,’ we’ll be able to create and live and use art as a point of self-reference instead of making of it an entire ‘entity’ of ‘our own’ that can be compared and valued when placed against others and go to the extent of ‘valuing’ ourselves according to how it is judged/ perceived by others. Individuality will not be a synonym of specialness, uniqueness as the usual connotations of value/ worth we’ve attached to it, but as an equal-existent expression within its own set of conditions that cannot possibly be ‘the same’ for all individuals, yet equally able to express and create as there will be no limit to this in the form of a savage monetary system that is currently nullifying the ability to express for many beings in this world.

Suggested read: the picture world and self expression
Transforming Art from Mind Occupation to Self Expression
 

Art should be...


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