Tag Archives: alex grey

80. Seeking for a Meaningful Li(e)fe

“This is even better!” Is a constant way to talk ourselves into thinking that whatever we had perceived as a failure/ fall is now ‘overcome’ and the ‘new me’ is even better, so as to always remain like the ‘winner in the story’ wherein the character that suffered some great fall/ disillusionment finds something ‘greater’ than before, something that is ‘the real shit,’ the ‘real deal’ and absolutely ‘truthful to oneself.’ Can you recognize the gibberish? Yes, it is sponsored by the most common spiritual positive type of self-talk to always remain like a ‘winner’ in your mind, no matter what.

 

This is a continuation of:

Pattern:

  1. “I did not get what I wanted; I seek for something else to ‘truly’ fulfill me”
  2. Wanting to escape from the ‘capitalist world’ and rebel by boing to an ‘unexpected extreme’

 

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Anything taken Personally is Just a Defense Mechanism to Protect a Character from being Diminished in its Role of Competing for Validation, and Influence and Happiness in the World of Illusion as Character to keep the Illusion going, because in the Illusion the Character makes all the Rules and is a Law unto itself, Regardless of what Harm it Bring to the Natural Living World” – Bernard Poolman*

 

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whenever I do not get what I want, I drop it, diss it and ‘move on’ by spitefulness to seek something – once again – that will ‘fulfill me’ in a more ‘truthful manner,’ which is what is usually linked to escaping the world of money that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge extensively.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw psychological tantrums wherein through allowing myself to remain in a particular ‘emotional mode,’ I make decisions based on that emotional-spitefulness, without considering at all what is it that I initially reacted to and how I was absolutely self-responsible for that which I deemed was ‘done onto me,’ which I allowed myself to use to become ‘the victim,’ instead of taking responsibility for all the stages of the event/ moment/ situations that took place before I go into an emotional-breakdown wherein I ‘revamp’ myself by doing something ‘radical’ for a change.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be against something/ someone that I had initially sought to attain and that, because I didn’t get my satisfaction from it, I then turn against it, diss it/ criticize it and judge everyone involved wherein I turn into a spiteful person that ‘does not want anything to do with that/ them’ in an emotional state, without being able to consider a solution simply because of allowing me to be self-righteous about my emotional experience, believing that ‘I had the right to be pissed off/ sad/ disillusioned.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and I would go into disillusionment, an ‘emotional breakdown’ and seeing my entire ‘world’ falling apart, I would do the next most radical thing that I could pursue in my own value and moral schemes, wherein I would then take me to the opposite extreme just to spite the previous situation, to not have to face my responsibility toward everything that I judged, but instead, become self-righteous about it and believe that ‘it is my right to do whatever I want and say whatever I want to say, I don’t give a fuck about anything’

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in my life while being possessed by anger and spitefulness, believing myself to be ‘right’ about being angry and this being backed up by friends that would agree with me, just because of how I would tell the story which was obviously to my benefit, to make me look like ‘the victim’ so that I could get their commiseration and have them backing up my ‘new plans’ for life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create ‘friendships’ based on how much they could agree with the character I was aiming at being/ becoming.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately become spiteful toward the people involved in an event that I projected blame toward, without ever realizing how I had accepted and allowed myself to just ‘trust’ without any form of actual communication and understanding of what I was in fact participating in and cooperating with.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use people to validate my perspectives, points of view upon the entire event so that I could feel like I was ‘cheated’ and remain as a ‘victim’ that had all the right to simply cut all ties with them and ‘do things my way,’ which is a recurrent pattern whenever I experience myself as ‘the victim’ in the world, gathering enough ‘votes to my favor’ so that I could feel good in my misery.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use ‘disillusionment’ from ‘the artworld’ as an excuse for me to seek new ways to create wherein I use people to validate my ‘new aims’ based on wanting to create a more ‘meaningful’ art that would not be sold in art galleries.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start a project based on spitefulness, a desire for revenge and an apparent ‘healing process’ to what I perceived was ‘done onto me,’ which was nothing else but 100% pure drama that I created in order to validate my own way out of having to face my responsibility, not realizing that any anger that I allowed myself to exist as was in fact anger toward myself for not getting my dream and instead facing reality, which was then me thinking that ‘I had made the wrong choice,’ which all boils down to me realizing that I simply was not alright toward myself at all and that my discomfort, anger and frustration was not even about the entire art event, but a general dissatisfaction with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek to now turn into spirituality even further as a way to finally declare my dissociation from ‘mainstream arts,’ and seeking to ‘find the truth’ in that which I had been reading/ investigating which was in the vein of entheogens and spiritual awakenings through the use of acid.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to turn further into spirituality as a way to escape what I judged as the evil capitalist world that would ‘suck artists dry of their pure inspiration,’ which was nothing but blatant self manipulation to get things my way and remain as a ‘winner’ in my world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I used spirituality as way to spite the world as in spite-you-all that is also existent in the word spiritual. I realize that my search for ‘god’ or a transcendental experience was based on knowledge and information that I sought to ‘make real’ in my world through following a ‘divine path’ that I was creating for myself, wherein all signs and symbols and events that I started connecting would ‘match’ a pattern of me having to apparently become this enlightened being that could create a new form of art that could heal the masses.

 

This was the moment in my life when I was rapidly hitting rock bottom – this was December and I found Desteni the last day of the last month, where everything that went on for these two months was nothing but me drowning myself into my own ‘tormented soul’ and not getting any other satisfaction but the one that I was busy building as the ‘spiritual search,’ dedicating my entire days to research more and learn about conspiracy theories and everything that I could use to redefine my career.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘want to seek the truth behind the veil of money and success’ wherein I was aiming at becoming some type of ascetic that is only seeking for a ‘divine truth’ by detaching from all worldly things and pursuing my ‘spiritual awakening’ even further – never realizing or considering at all what I was in fact doing and proclaiming as an overall desire to ‘detach from the system,’ which was plain ignorant as I had no idea nor did I consider how no one is able to really in fact be ‘out of the system,’ yet I proclaimed I would do it in the name of ‘the truth’ and ‘my mission in life,’ which started blending more with my artistic-endeavors and I was busy shaping my ‘new religion’ based on spirituality, art and a guru-like personality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to seek ‘the truth’ through the use of drugs as a means to ‘speed up my awakening’ which proves to what extent I manipulated myself to ‘spite the system’ in what I deemed was ‘the key’ out of the system, seeking spiritual enlightenment so that I would not have to be ‘bound by the claws of the system,’ which was very naïve of myself and plain ignorant, because I never considered how everything that I consume had to be paid for, including the drugs.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘seek for something to give me the answer to my life’ and ‘seeking to create meaningful art’ as a point of self-definition based on spitefulness due to/ because of the previous event wherein my dreams of fame/ success we’re not fulfilled as I wanted them to be, throwing a tantrum and seeing everything as being ‘not good enough for me,’ believing myself to be ‘more special than that,’ which is how I lead myself to pursue an spiritual awakening and being predicating overzealously about it, which was me driving myself into my own religion wherein I could finally ‘do things my way’ and apparently ‘free myself from the system.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself at the moment of writing this because of seeing it as absolutely tantrum-based, typical emotional breakdown wherein overcoming the situation implies doing something ‘more rebellious’ than what was done in the past, wherein I simply would have continued trying something out and when being dissatisfied by it, dumping it and going for the next big hit in my life – over and over and over again moving from one spot to another seeking for a ‘truth’ outside of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as plain stupid for having done what I’ve done, and regret having existed with such self-righteousness in the past wherein I could not see anything else but what I deemed was ‘right’ and believing that what I was doing was ‘my right to do so,’ in absolute spitefulness and vengeful ways that I covered up in a positive manner through and by spirituality, believing that I had to go through such ‘tormented situations’ to give up my ‘earthly desires’ and pursuit a more ‘divine-relationship with god.’

 

So this is the moment that I was ready to go fully into the rabbit hole of spirituality and religions and, if it had not been because of finding Desteni and finally supporting myself to stop all my mindfucks, I would have probably continued that way for the remainder of my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I had to seek ‘beyond myself’ and my ‘limited mind’ to create some type of transcendental art, wanting to ‘establish awareness with the divine in this world,’ which is how I justified all my endeavors in separation of myself, seeking for a ‘truth’ that I could defend zealously, because of thinking that ‘this time, what I was pursuing was ‘above it all’ as it had to do with the idea of god and the ‘whole’ as myself. I realize that this is the ‘oneness’ preached in spirituality, wherein I would only seek to fulfill myself and my dreams/ ideals based on ‘the positive’ while being absolutely oblivious to the entire world and Reality, where no bliss or happiness exists if you have no money to eat.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘change the world’ through art mixing it with spiritual practices, so that I could fulfill my spiritual ego and endeavors of something ‘greater than myself,’ which is the basic and primordial fuck that lead us to the point that we are now facing in our reality, wherein everything that we have ever sought is this ‘moreness’ of ourselves outside of ourselves, in separation of who we are as one and equal.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to validate my ‘pursuit’ by taking other artistic characters as examples, wherein I ‘knew’ that by creating this specialness about my life and turning into this ‘misunderstood misfit’ I could justify my work as even more ‘meaningful’ within the art world, due to how ‘drama’ was accepted as a key ingredient to ‘make any real art.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my abdication of responsibility toward myself, my word and reality by pursuing ‘spiritual realms’ wherein I could apparently only establish a relationship with something divine and somehow be magically ‘saved from this evil world,’ without even taking a moment to look at reality and see how I was the very +1 point added to the entire mess wherein we only care about ourselves, our own pursuit of happiness which I translated to an apparent ‘superior’ stage such as spirituality, never realizing it is no different to pursuing being a millionaire and having ‘all the power in the world,’ as I translated such power to light, bliss and ultimate wholeness that spiritual teachings claimed.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think ‘I don’t want anything to do with this reality any longer’ which was just another character script line so that I could justify my ‘eccentricity’ as a special being in this ‘fucked up world’ that seeks for something ‘greater’ that not everyone pursues, fueling my own mindfuck by the perspectives and opinions given by people around me which were all relationships backing up my character, my self-belief and within this thinking that I was ‘on the right path’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the thought ‘I just want to be at peace with myself’ wherein I implied that all that I cared was me-myself-and-I and the rest could go down the drain, because of believing that I was not my body, that this world was an illusion and that I had nothing to do with this ‘realm’ of earthly desires. Within this manipulating myself to be and become this spiritual-artist character that is ‘more special’ than everyone else in my own mind only.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge, criticize, diss and diminish the ‘glamorous art realms’ due to and because of me believing and perceiving that I had been ‘cheated’ within it, and that I was ‘too noble’ for such businesses, which became my excuse to not pursue anything ‘real’ within my career but only follow through my spiritual endeavors and beginning to start thinking again that I had made the wrong career choice, and that I should dedicate myself fully to spirituality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make an ‘oath’ with myself to only make art that ‘matters’ and not just take nice pictures, which was me making myself ‘more’ than before just so that I could not feel like I had failed in my dreams and endeavors to become famous and ‘well known’ in the artworld.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that ‘I don’t want to sell myself out this time,’ which is when I started judging money even more as something evil and corrupt that would ‘taint noble young souls’ and ruining the ‘true artist’ which I deemed myself to be, based on all the stories I had read of other artistic characters that I took as a bible to follow

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that this time, I was going to create something ‘real’ and ‘meaningful’ which was just creating my self-religion based on past experiences wherein I was still trying to spite everything that could point out to earning lots of money/ being famous just because I had not achieved my satisfaction within that point, not realizing that if it had in fact ‘satisfied me,’ I would have continued walking my endeavors to escalate more and more in the artworld and continue defending ‘art’ the way that I did before.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive myself to being establishing a relationship with ‘the divine’ and wanting to express ‘god’ through my work, getting lost in meanings, symbols, knowledge and information that I consumed in order to create this ‘unique’ self-religion so that I could make of art and spirituality ‘my life,’ all in separation of myself, not even regarding how everything that allowed me to continue living was money to buy food and pay my rent and continue existing in this world, which is how I deliberately shun away the actual planning and the practical steps to be taken in order to establish myself as being able to earn money from art.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think ‘god is not money and fame, and it is here for everyone,’ wherein I deluded myself into thinking that I could escape from reality somehow if I established a real devotion toward ‘the divine,’ which is nothing more but pure fanaticism that I was busy building and feeding through knowledge and information that I would quickly embrace because ‘it sounded good to my eyes,’ which proves how anything that eventually shattered my world was seen as something ‘of doubtful precedence’ and ‘not trust worthy’ just because of how I had become so used to thinking that life was about beauty, art and ‘the divine’ that I had to somehow embrace as a constant ‘state of being, ‘ as eternally blissful even if I was in this world – which is the ultimate declaration of separation, as I was willing to pursue this eternal satisfaction, feeling untouchable by the world while the world could fall apart in pieces because I would be protected, because of being a ‘good divine follower’ to some god/ energy/ superior being that I was busy trying to create a relationship to- never ever taking the point back to myself to see how I was only seeking me in separation of myself here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I would not sell my artwork to ‘stay true to myself, ‘ which was nothing else but a tantrum-based declaration due to the past events of which I remain a victim of for a long time, due to me deliberately seeing how I was absolutely responsible for it all.

 

spiritual mindfuck

 

 

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself wanting to get rid of something/ someone based on a past event wherein I see myself as the victim – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this point will not have to even be existent if I stop the victimization process from the get go every time that I believe and perceive that ‘something is being done onto me.’ Thus I take the point back to myself, take responsibility for what I have created, said/done and within that, stop the cycles of spitefulness, revenge and retaliation toward anything or anyone that I have blamed for my experience.

 

When and as I see myself going into a tantrum of feeling misunderstood and building up emotions and feelings with it, I stop and I breathe. I realize that every time that I see myself going into a ‘down’ experience is linked to me not fulfilling an expectation that I envisioned in separation of myself. Thus I take responsibility to ensure that whatever I do is based on the benefit of all and not just pursuing my personal-life of seeking any form of desire as something/ someone in separation of myself. I realize I am here, breathing, and complete. I do not require anyone or anything to make me ‘more’ than who and what I already am here.

 

When and as I see myself seeking for a ‘radical change’ in my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that such ‘radical’ and ‘extreme’ moves are based on wanting to spite something/ someone, wanting to make myself ‘more’ again based on a previous perceived fall leading to the belief of me ‘lacking’ something to make myself feel better again, which is all mind-state based/ experience based which is not who and what I really am. Who and what I exist as is the simplicity of breath here that is self directive and does not require to experience something ‘more’ based on a previous memory of a perceived fall. All I require is to stop participating in thoughts leading to a ‘more’ or ‘less’ experience of myself and continue breathing, doing and directing myself to be an do that which is best for all.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am right at being/ becoming angry at someone/ the world and people agree about this experience within me. I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is not a point to trust as I am manipulating myself to become the victimized character that seeks company and commiseration in order to justify my own experience as ‘real,’ which is not. I direct myself to take responsibility for any thought implying that I am being done something ‘onto me,’ instead I take responsibility for my thoughts, stop, breathe and continue directing myself within the practicality required in the moment.

 

When and as I see myself projecting blame onto others, thinking or believing that ‘they are doing something onto me deliberately,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is the victimized character mechanism to ensure that I continue seeking ways to ‘make myself feel better’ by opposing, creating further conflict to regain my ‘positive experience.’ I realize that who I am here as breath does not require to exist as a constant experience.

 

When and as I see myself using spitefulness and a deliberate self-deprecated sate of being as a ‘healing process’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I used this ‘state of being’ to manipulate people around me, to ‘have mercy on me’ and continue fueling my character of the ‘suffered and misunderstood one’ which is unacceptable, as it is nothing else but emotional blackmail that I am able to stop the very moment that I see myself feeling ‘down’ and ‘low’ as a deliberate expression presented onto and toward others.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘spite the system’ by doing something that is ‘against the law’ and against ‘morals’ I stop and I breathe – I realize the little game for what it is as a means to make myself be ‘more’ than/ more clever/ more ‘cunning’ in the system based on doing that which is ‘forbidden,’ which is just a tantrum and mind-game of self-importance that I ensure I don’t ever participate in by establishing myself here as breath wherein I take responsibility for everything I do, say and think.

 

When and as I see myself seeking for something to give me the answer to life, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am the answer to life by directing myself in common sense, stopping all useless participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings and realize that there is actual work to be done within myself and in my reality to be the solution required in this world. This implies nothing else but common sensical living, moment by moment, breath by breath, taking responsibility for all the mind-games that I’ve placed and ensuring I stop them here as myself in every moment that I breathe and stop participating in the mind.

 

When and as I see myself whining about wanting to experience something, I stop and I breathe – I realize I am creating an unnecessary friction in my mind to eventually become possessed by that whining and get it by all means possible, which is unacceptable. I remain the directive principle of myself here in every moment that I breathe and direct myself in common sense.

 

When and as I see myself accessing the pattern of ‘I don’t want to do this any longer’ I stop and I breathe. I check the point wherein I have missed the point of myself and how I am creating a ‘better experience’ in mind. I apply self forgiveness for the desire of a ‘moreness of myself’ in separation of who I am here as simplicity of breath. Within this I ensure that I remain in the simplicity, stability and consistency of myself in breath day by day, moment by moment without defining myself according to the past or any other desire, want and need that may emerge in the mind.

 

When and as I see myself seeking to create, be and become something ‘meaningful’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am separating myself in the desire of ‘meaningfulness’ as something more than myself here in simplicity as breath.

 

When and as I see myself judging selling my work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that such judgment comes from the self-righteous spitefulness toward the perceived ‘evil world system,’ which means that it is all judgment based on making myself feel ‘less corrupt’ than everyone else, which is a lie to see myself as ‘better than.’ Thus, I direct myself to if and the opportunity is here to do so, go for it and use the money to support myself in what I require to consume to continue living. Simple.

 

When and as I see myself thinking that I have to ‘stay true to myself,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this ‘truth’ as myself has been a personality that has believed itself to always be right as a character/ personality based on always seeing myself as the winner, the one that is right and always ‘on the right path.’ Thus I direct myself to simply stay here as breath wherein I see, realize and understand that I do not require to make myself as a ‘truth’ and ‘honest’ person based on a self-belief of ‘being right’ about my decisions and actions – instead I continue breathing and moving myself moment by moment without holding an ‘idea’ or belief of ‘who I am’ moment by moment.

 

“I commit myself to show that as Long as One Create Self as a Character in the Mind, one is a Criminal that Abuses Life for Self-Interest of the Self Created as Character.” – Bernard Poolman

 

For support on Self-Forgiveness go to the Desteni Forum

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“I commit myself to show that Self-Honesty will be Tough, as the Characters of the Life of Self have Multiple Diversions and know all the Lies – and thus will Do Everything in thought Backchat to Invalidate Self-Honesty. Discipline Self, Breath by Breath, in Self-Honesty to Return to the Physical Body and to Stop all thought, as Thought Only Creates Characters of Illusion that Lie.” – Bernard Poolman

 

Blogs for de-characterization:

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61: The Stoned Philosopher

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that Alchemy was ‘the real deal’ within reality to obtain the ultimate knowledge wherein I could finally obtain ‘the truth’ and be enlightened through knowledge and information.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify the lives of suffering and ‘misfortune’ as ‘lessons to be learned’ wherein we had to first reach our lowest bottom to then rebirth from the ashes like a phoenix, and in this allowing me to use all knowledge and information as myths and gnostic meanings in order to make sense of life, without ever pondering that life has always been here as myself, as my physical body that I used and abused in order to obtain some ‘higher knowledge’ that could lead me to ‘the ultimate power’ as eternal life, which I now see, realize and understand cannot in any way exist as a piece of information at all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to indulge in the ‘spiritual entheogen exploration’ wherein I believed that seeing the patterns on everything and dancing on the walls was really being seeing life moving and dancing for me, which I had kept as a memory that I didn’t want to ‘let go of’ because of how wonderful if was.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was special because I could see all of these patterns, figures and energetic experiences that I have defined as ‘blissful,’ while having no idea whatsoever to what it actually implies to Live, which has nothing to do with any symbol, any pattern, any thought, any feeling or emotion – but self, here, stable as the I that stands aligned as a physical being that is no longer crucified by knowledge and information as the mind’s experience seeking ‘life’ in knowledge and information generating experiences that are finite and induced just like any other drug-related enlightenment.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that the truth of reality could only be accessed through knowledge, information or chemically induced experiences wherein everything that I saw was only myself, my own mind and in no way was I actually ‘being here’ as the actual realization of who I am as one and equal as life, but it was only a temporary mind-experience that lead me to seek further into knowledge and information, missing out the basic point which is: not having to ‘seek’ something outside of myself to live, but rather stopping the constant thinking, believing, perceiving, mind chatter and be here, breathing, being still yet self directive which is what I always overlooked when it came to seeking ‘enlightenment,’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek enlightenment as a way to evade taking Responsibility for myself, my world, my reality because I thought that through my own purification,  I would have an ‘easy-access’ to life, eternity and all the blissful experiences I sought – never taking into consideration the totality that is self-here as one and equal, but only minding my own business, only being concerned about ‘my’ experience only, which is the ultimate form of selfishness and self-interest that all-seeking spiritual people are currently perpetuating and feeding as themselves.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with alchemy, its symbols, its illustrations and the depiction of the ‘majesty’ of life after walking a process of self-purification from the nigredo, to the albedo to the rubedo which is what I sought to be and become ‘no matter what,’ wherein I neglected at all times the actuality of the world that is here, wherein billions are having no means to eat – yet there I was, wanting to ‘ascend’ and be a super-consciousness being that could ‘the pattern of life’ which was only the patterns of consciousness itself as my own mind, reminding me that I have enslaved life to a pair of figures and symbols in an attempt to live.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become infatuated with knowledge, believing that ‘I was on to something’ and I was ‘this close’ to ‘get it’ wherein the chemical marriage implied that I had to fulfill a ‘journey’ in my life that was related to higher knowledge, higher understanding that made ‘me’ special and ‘unique’ because I felt as if it was ‘calling me,’ when in fact, it was all self induced and learned from examples in popular culture, just like from Jodorowsky and other ‘masters’ that I would read in order to make ‘my own religion’ based on personal self-interest to ‘be one with God’

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to seek God in patterns that I could see with my physical eyes, seeking god in the ‘abject,’ seeking god in Hebrew words, symbols, alchemical terms and trying to find a meaning to life, without ever realizing that life has no meaning but is and exists in itself –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deposit my attention to ‘wonderful words’ that would mean something ‘too cryptic’ for me to understand, which made me want to understand and study more to be this ‘erudite’ in the matter, which would apparently make me ‘more’ than myself which is how intellectualism operates: the more you store as knowledge and information, the more ‘valuable’ you are in a system where life has been sold in the name of money, which provides enough ‘power’ that creates self-importance.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life was being ‘tested’ by life itself to see whether I could find and get all the clues to ‘get to god/ life/ eternal life’ which is how I became rather obsessed with numbers, religions, alchemy, gnosticism, tarot and anything that could ‘guide me’ to understand who I was and what I was doing here, following a self-importance journey to ‘enlightenment’ that only existed in my own head, feeling like John Nash having an entire conspiracy in the head, watching Pi and the Holy Mountain wherein I thought I could find ‘the meaning’ to it all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the symmetry and composition in a work of art was pointing out that I was trying to ‘give myself messages through images/ drawings’ which is nothing but the ultimate mindfuck that I participated in and created for myself, wherein I believed that I was drawing out my past lives and pointing out to me ‘the road to follow’ in this lifetime, which is nothing else but the product of knowledge and information that I used in order to make myself special, ‘unique’ and somehow more ‘powerful’ than the rest of the mortals because of having this ‘unique’ fascination with ‘all things divine’ which was only me in my mind seeking some grand entertainment to evade my responsibility in the world, evade actually planning a physical tangible practical living plan that I could use in order to LIVE in this physical reality, but instead being planning ‘who I would be’ once that ‘I’ve reached the ultimate step of enlightenment’ on Earth.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that smoking weed in any way was ‘opening consciousness’ and allowing me to ‘see more of reality’ which is one of the justifications I used to not give it up at the time.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that all bits of experience, all people, all events had a meaning in the puzzle I was busy building as my ‘spiritual journey,’ without realizing or even wanting to accept that I had created it in my mind all the way, and I was just giving more attention to that which ‘fascinated me,’ rather than toward that which represented facing myself, facing my own responsibility and getting to know my own mind as the real creator of this extensive mindfuck.

 

I realize that I used and abused my physical body in the name of seeking ‘life’ outside of itself as knowledge and information, which proves to what extent we have never even questioned the fact that we are not even aware of every breath that we take, of every single piece of the Earth that we consume in order to continue living and the processes it goes through in ourselves, IN our own physical body – it is ludicrous, yet we are here and walking the process to stop all mind-curiosity toward ‘elevated/ higher/ drugged knowledge’ that has had In No Way any consequence to life.

 

I realize that my initial ‘Love for Knowledge’ as philosophy, as the desire to ‘know more’ was merely self interest, and that my knowledge became my own cross to bear of which I now take Self-Responsibility for, because I am realizing the simplicity of who I really am here as the physical body that breathes and is able to exist without experiences.

 

I commit myself to share my process with anyone that is currently ‘in the journey’ to enlightenment or any other form of spiritual endeavor, to share with them how I have realized the mindfuck that it all was while abusing the physical body, the physical reality and neglecting the actual problems on Earth while seeking my personal satisfaction fueled by chemicals, thoughts and experiences that only made ‘one’ special, while disregarding the rest of the world as equally HERE as ourselves.

 

I commit myself to establish myself as the physical body to ensure that I am no longer bound to the memories of that which I perceived as blissful as all the experiences induced by chemical reactions that I equated to ‘god’ and ‘enlightenment,’ which would have been rather addictive if I had not stopped right away – thanks to Desteni because that’s the only way I realized what I was in fact doing to myself.

 

I commit myself to expose the fact that no knowledge, no special gnostic information,  no alchemic process will create LIFE as Life is already HERE as each one of us, wherein all that we have done is veiled it through further knowledge and information, instead of realizing it as who we are, here as our very physical body that is not bound to the mind’s processes to exist.

 

I commit myself to expose the desire for enlightenment as self interest as that continual desire to be ‘more than’ who we already are here as physical beings.

 

I commit myself to continue walking my process of writing, applying Self Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Application to ensure that all knowledge that I had used to define life is purified and equalized as Self, wherein there is no trace of greatness or ‘grandeur’ existent within and as myself, but actually walk the process to let go of this energetic fascinations that I had been so keen toward.

 

I commit myself to reveal how no enlightenment or spiritual endeavor creates an actual physical change in the world that is visible to ALL or creating any form of best for all outcome, but is merely self interest linked to money as that state of ‘happiness’ and ‘bliss’ that can only be obtained as an experience whenever your stomach has enough food, your body is properly hydrated and your environment is safe and secure from ‘the evil’ in this world that is created ever moment that positivity is sought and pursued in this world.

 

We Must Stop.

 

Desteni

Desteni I Process 

Journey to Life Blogs to walk the process in all aspects of our day to day living into a real tangible understanding of who we are as life.

 

 

The Doors of Perception - 07

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FREE Download and a Must Hear

 

The Interview that clarifies the Jesus on the Cross symbolism made Practical and debunking Christianity

 

“Will we honor life or will we honor knowledge? In our words our choices will be heard” – Hell Spoof


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