Tag Archives: alone

437. What to Do when Feeling like an Outcast?

Here I share some practical steps to consider whenever this particular experience of feeling left out, feeling like not belonging, feeling like one is being judged by others in a particular group or environment, or that one is the ‘odd one sticking out’ etc.

 

If you’d like to have more context as to how I walked this point of ‘the outcast’ you can read the whole story I wrote some years ago of how I experienced this here: ‘The Outcast’: self-imposed tag

 

Whenever you feel like there is no ‘room’ for you somewhere, as if you simply were being ignored by others or deliberately ‘left out’ – first point is to clear oneself from these perceptions, always realizing that these are perceptions created in one’s own mind, therefore: they are not in fact real. We make them real when living out this self-rejection in fact, which means these thoughts make us want to keep quiet, remain isolated and deliberately not interacting with others, because we are in fact very occupied in our own minds building up the feeling of being the outsider, the outcast. Funny, isn’t it? We actually create our own experience and feed it through thinking. And what I’ve noticed is that if we wait for someone asking us directly to ‘come and share’ or ‘speak’ or ‘join in’ it will not happen that often

Therefore:

Instead of continuing churning the outcast character in the head, take a breath, and make a very physical and decisive step to Participate which practically means: take part in/ be a part of. How? Speak, write, let yourself be read/heard and so known. We often make the mistake of waiting for the right moment to share some perspective or point of view or simply to start the very basic point of communicating, which is also a decision one makes to interact with someone else.

Throughout these first steps, it is likely that some voices in the head of being disliked or not being welcomed, or ‘no one asking for your participation’ to come up. In this: keep on reminding yourself of these being words that one has most likely created over a long period of time in our heads, therefore they are not ‘what people really think’ or are at all disclosing the reality of the situation, they are entirely our own creation, therefore we can stop participating ‘up there’ and rather continue the physical process of writing, speaking, sharing oneself with others.

Also important to note that it is not like these judgments will go ‘easily’ or  ‘go away forever’ with just stopping them once. Nope. We have trained ourselves in our minds to continually have ‘something to say’ as in some kind of judgment, fear  that turns into an anxiety, an insecurity, a bunch of questions about ‘others’ and how they relate to us. But two things are certain: one is that these experiences have been ‘recorded’ in our mind, therefore are self created and as such we can stop participating in them; and the other point is that whatever anyone else holds as a judgment, perception, idea, belief about oneself or others, it is also entirely their creation and so their point of responsibility. This assisted me a lot to take whatever judgments or criticisms for what they are: mind perceptions that have no impact or ‘value’ toward myself, because I have by now gotten to know what I am, what I am not which means: I cannot allow another’s words to define me. Of course unless it is not a judgment and someone is giving some kind of feedback about myself that I could take into consideration as a point of self support, but that is then just that: constructive criticism that one can look further within oneself to see what can we learn from it.

 

Another point that was ‘hard to admit’ at the time is how my own ‘outcastism’ was in fact a point of superiority, waiting for people to specifically ‘ask me’ for something or ‘focus on me only’ or ‘pay only attention to me’ which is quite ludicrous because in this I am in no way being a ‘fair player’ in the interaction, but in fact demanding some special attention and care. Is this self-honest as in really applying the principle of equality where one realizes that no matter ‘who’ is speaking to, ‘where’ one is at, we are all ultimately equal at that level of humanity, therefore there is Always something that connects us, something we can talk about and relate to, just by the fact that we have the ability to communicate between each other as species. It is funny how many times we forget about this and create a wall of judgments between each other that divides us, when these ‘walls’ are in fact invisible, self created and so ‘the wall’ can be self-demolished in one single moment where one makes the directive decision of ‘I am here, I participate, I share myself, I communicate, I unconditionally become part of the moment/discussion/interaction with others. And so, what I noticed is that it feels like taking a dive into a pool where one knows it will be a bit cold, might be a bit of a fright initially, but it gets better once you are actually doing it. This in fact applies to many other things we usually fear to do.

So linked to this, in my case I had to become aware of not stepping on my ‘high horse’ and believing I could only communicate or be friends with or interact with people that were ‘at my same level’ in whatever I defined ‘that level’ to be. Therefore this means the ability to be humble and unconditional when giving these first steps of interaction. What do these words mean? Being able to talk to others or approach a point of communication without having a particular ‘agenda’ behind, a particular intent or point of personal interest that could be already ‘clouding’ one’s ability to be clear in what we want to say. This personal interest also includes those judgments where we are Only considering oneself, as if everything revolved around ‘me’ only, when in fact what I’ve found is the best way to initiate any interaction and virtually be able to approach any person and talk to them is by being very stable and quiet in oneself, and sticking to the moment: not having any ‘desire’ – therefore unconditional – behind the communication other than making it a clear decision to speak, share, communicate, write yourself in an interaction with another, scheduling meet ups with others etc.

 

These are some considerations where the focus is on the ‘what to do’ or what kind of words can one live to get out of the ‘outcast’ experience and instead ‘cast’ oneself to participate in the communication and interactions with others.

No need to ever desire to ‘be a part of’ because we are Already a part of this world, everything and everyone here. It is more like realizing that no one else is supposed to ‘make space for you’ or tell you that ‘you belong’ because that only creates an idea or experience, when in fact, there is no need for that. I’d rather suggest realizing that I am here, therefore I am part of life and this world, therefore I accept myself as that part that I am in this life and take part in co-creation by establishing communication, contact with others.

There is nothing more fulfilling in fact than deciding to step out of one’s shell and connecting with people. Nowadays, there is no excuse really because we live in the ‘era of communication’ and it is frankly a bit absurd that the ‘internet era’ and generations could become more isolated behind the gadgets that are supposed to unite us. Time to use them to do just that: to connect with each other, to share, to speak up, to unconditionally let others know who we are and what we are up to in this life, no need for ‘special’ experiences or hidden agendas in this, but rather taking it as a statement of honoring that part of life that we are and the space that we breathe as part of life, of everything that is here.

And so, because we can all learn from each other, let me know your feedback if you do apply some of these points and how you find out they work out for you. These are only some aspects I’ve applied – and continue to apply – myself whenever the ‘outcast’ or ‘feeling left out’ experience creeps in, then I decisively step in and ‘let me share me’ – lol. So, I share also the links from others that have been sharing about this topic as well, which is great because it broadens our awareness on how this particular ‘mindset’ can exist and develop within ourselves.

 

Recommend to read/listen to them:

Day 1100: Outsider
How does it work? Fostering a connection with someone

Outsiders – day 695

Day 577 – Do I not belong?
Day 39 – Feeling Like an Outcast

Life Review – The Outsider

 

Best to stop the ‘self imposed’ tag as an ‘outsider’ and instead ‘cast’ oneself into taking part of living and connecting, communicating, relating to others which is also the way we can learn so much more about ourselves, which would not be possible if one deliberately isolates oneself.

 

 

If you don't try nothing will ever happen

 

 

Learn more about this and Join in:

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373. Meeting the Most Evil Man on Earth: Bernard Poolman

Today August 11th, 2013 Bernard Poolman Died and it’s quite the most shocking news you can get on what one would expect to be the most regular Sunday morning on Earth, it wasn’t and I agree with Cerise’s statement My Dad, The Devil: the world is more poor without him.

I must begin with saying that I have never known what to say when people die, and have only attended one single funeral that wasn’t even from a family member but my mother’s best friend and every time I got to know someone was dead I just could not know what to say or if I should ‘feel’ anything – well today I got a more direct experience of that for the first time. I am 26 years old and have never lost anyone as close to me until today yet I wipe the tears and continue to stand because I’ve gotten more than enough support from him to now be where I am standing today: writing the new contract I’ve acquired with life, walking the process to stand equal and one to the words lived by him as the walking living flesh he was, a man that has been hated by people that are willing to abuse and deny the responsibility we have in this world and  deny what is required to be done on Earth, but at the same time revered by all of us that are grateful for every single moment he would share what would be Here to be shared, in the moment – no preparation, no scripts, no nothing –  and to me it was more than an honor to be able to directly collaborate in being the hands that type out what he would so fluently speak out and yes, that will be no more – but the words are still here and now to be lived by each one of us since it is what we are here to be and become: stand equal to the living principle he embodied, that’s what he really was and continues to Be.

Continuing from:

 

When approaching the Desteni Forum for the first time, we got to see posts by ‘Eagle,’ an individual that would post all videos and continually respond to every single post that was made in such a riddled yet clear cut way that only through reading such words it was like opening my brain to a whole new window that I knew it was there, but somehow it was marvelously placed in such directive simple ways that I immediately knew I’d like to someday be able to directly see the points, which was also learned through all of the replies posted on the DesteniProductions Channels (2007-2011). Later on Eagle became Common Sense and as I begun to participate in the Private Forum in march 2008, I can say that I’ve been tremendously assisted by all the chats conducted by Bernard from that time wherein I’ve learned of the miles of words shared by him, Sunette/Dimensions and everyone else that have contributed with as an essential part of walking the Desteni Process: the support we got at the forum until our very last chat with Bernard this week is something that remains as one of the best dynamites a human being can ever detonate within an indoctrinated mind shaped in the image and likeness of a system of self-abuse, only to make space for genuine living foundations based on living principles

 

 

My initial admiration for Bernard as the words/principles he spoke of later on became a realization of how what he embodied as the Principled Living on Earth, wasn’t about something ‘superior’ or ‘special’ but actually simply living by the principles he spoke of, the actions he lived and the relationships he formed that are the genuine examples that we have as a testimony of a new way of living for humanity if we so want to continue living in this world. He said it best: “Self honesty is not nice or beautiful” and this became a key quote for me to continually remind myself that the sugar and spice type of life we had all been taught to seek and follow was always a Lie. I resonated with this very clearly which is why I resonated a lot to the words he spoke of, he was wording out what I had seen but merely allowed to ‘pass by’ and now being aware of this had a definitive cause and direction: to expose the lies, to learn how to Self Forgive and walk an individual process of Integrity, Self Respect, Honor and most importantly getting rid of all the bullshit that usually keeps us busy in the mind – I certainly learned to appreciate myself and stand as the reality of who I really am and conduct my potential. I didn’t have many conversations with him while at the farm other than very specific points to be discussed and somehow I see that I didn’t entirely open myself up back then as I was still tip-toeing around it all, not wanting my stuff to be exposed yet understanding that he could see it all.

“Self honesty is not nice or beautiful” – Bernard Poolman

Such a simple statement  yet absolutely supportive since we tend to create this idea that process is something great, marvelous, that will turn us into these good doers or even worse righteous gods  instantly  when it has nothing to o with that, it is genuinely being willing to actually get to know our demon-self, the truth of ourselves, the reality, the nitty-gritty details that we have all always concealed to learn how to ‘make-up’ with flowery words of love and light, and being ‘good’ and eliciting nice experiences upon other individuals without even realizing to what extent – by keeping these masks – we have continued to keep the current hypocrisy and false-value systems that in no way represent a living principle that life should be. Bernard was the living words of every aspect that required to be said in a world where Life is being sold and Equality is a demonized non-living word. He stood as the living principle of the resolution, the integrity, determination, clarity and discipline required to walk this process that we’ve embarked ourselves in within this Process, this  Journey to Life that involves the dismantling of this world at all levels, even beyond what our minds can conceive in order to establish a new living contract on Earth, a contract that stipulates through our written word the principles, the responsibility and practical steps to actually change the nature of who we have become as individuals in the mind – every single statement written and later on spoken in interviews by Bernard revealed to us a blueprint of the mess we are in as this world system and our individual reality, due to everything that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become. He was always writing the raw truth about reality and opening up the necessary self-confrontation necessary to realize one single thing: we are all collectively responsible for everything we are, everything we’ve become in this world and this was done without ever inciting violence, vengeance or retaliation against ‘others,’ without going ‘against the system,’ without having to incite to revolt or do anything ‘extremist’ as some haters would love to claim he did, just to discredit a message that actually challenged their current self-interested ways of ‘living’ while neglecting abuse.  Instead Bernard did the absolute opposite, he pointed out something we had been missing all along: in this world we have no enemies other than ourselves, individually, we’ve been screwed by our written words that never have considered life in equality – and this clicked within me as the realization of how blindfolded I  had been to always take a stance of antagonism to portray myself as the ‘good person’ without even investigating if such ‘benevolence’ was in fact real – which it obviously wasn’t but only a self-interested mechanism to keep me on ‘good spirits’ while pointing out the flaws in the world.  We were pushed to question ourselves  if it was in fact the integrity I believed myself to have such as in ‘having nothing to do with the ‘evil’ in the world, without even seeing, realizing an understanding that the very thoughts, pictures, imaginations, intentions, secret desires and future projections stood as the very building blocks of our collective illusion – my empire of dirt was debunked and so I realized how worth-less was it to continue ‘holding on’ to something that had never been in fact an example of what living is all about.

 

So, Marlena was the girl that got to the farm in an intense desire to be just noticed right away, and he noticed it right away ‘You are still trying to get recognition’ and realized the point an committed myself to walk and learn what humbleness is about. I was insecure, hooked on harmful relationships, fearing, not wanting to ‘get out and be seen,’ hiding my face behind hair– literally – not wanting to make much noise in the internet, not wanting people to know about myself and my process, being regulated by a sense of ‘self preservation’ of ‘what I like, who I am’ and being fearing any form of conflict wherein I may lose the approval of people or any other ‘meaningful’ relationship I believed to have in this world – well all of these aspects have been slowly but surely debunked throughout time by living and applying the example that Bernard stood as along with every other person that begun applying the same tools within this process.

I got to know I was just asking for another confirmation of a ‘changed character’ a ‘bettered version of myself’ when that wasn’t in fact what this process is about, and within an attempt to keep things in a ‘nice way’ I realized I was only creating yet another mask to conceal myself within the Idea of ‘Change’ without genuinely understanding I was ‘playing it safe’ – until later.

‹Bernard› remember that all is self
thus–self awareness, self standing

make all the words with self you direct your self to be and live it and in the mind–you make up reasons why not to do what you will–but fear others like family

dare to live for real
and fix reality to be worthy of you and all other beings here
  (2008)

 

Marlen's Visit to the Farm 2009

Where is Bernard in that group pic? Lol! I was laughing so hard because he was the one taking the pic an making us all laugh (July 2009, Desteni Farm – South Africa)

 

I am grateful that I was able to visit the farm in 2009 and stay for a year and meet The Most Evil Man on Earth: Bernard Poolman. When I got at the farm he wasn’t home yet and when he arrived the first words were “You’re already Making Noise!” lol because I was just too happy to be finally there and speaking too much with everyone I had already developed relationships with at the forum and being overtly excited about it all, so I greeted with a big hug and from there on, I was in for the experience of my life, I could have never known how much one can learn from another individual and all the people at the farm walking this process as the support it means in order to understand what Living by Principle in fact means in physical reality.

I probably would have liked to be able to be more open toward him while I was there, I was still wanting to stand somehow ‘in the background’ and not stepping up so much forth as I considered others to be more capable than me and I was still holding onto quite a hierarchized way of thinking that is certainly non existent within me at the moment, since I learned how to plant the seed of self-stability, self-authority, self-will, self-respect, practicing the realization of the importance of the written word in a world consumed by contracts of evil as the reverse of life. I certainly got such resolve within myself while being there and remained cultivating it ever since.

 

At the farm I went through heaven and hell, but the hell must be understood as the necessary as-it-should-be realization that throughout my life I had disregarded essential principles in relation to the ‘who I am’ as ‘my time,’ ‘my preferences,’  ‘wanting to do only what I like/want/feel like doing’ and the consequences that I got to face was the realization of how little was I in fact considering other beings – specially animals in my case – in my reality, but only focusing on this ‘self-enhancement’ without a clear resolve and understanding of what Equality truly means in all practical levels, which lead me to realize coexistence and the equality with all life forms that I had disregarded so far as  a part of everything that is here as myself.

The self that is created is an illusion

 

What I’ve learned from Bernard is a lot more than what I will express in these lines since every single  interaction with him – directly and indirectly –  lead me to strengthen, clarify and expand my understanding of this world, life, the visible and invisible yet verifiable in all ways in terms of observing the nature of this reality as our image and likeness, as the fuckup we all signed ourselves to with ink on the flesh as the self that we sold in the name of experience, of energy. Along with this I was able to develop the ability to recognize the actual abilities, skills and talents that I had doubted I could ever develop. I am grateful for the challenges I was able to take on while being at the farm. Lol, there’s this funny moment where one morning Bernard asked ‘Who wants to take a painting project!?’ and Marlen raises hand right away “Meeee!!” and yes oh boy was it not the kind of ‘painting’ I was expecting but an actual challenge of thick brush and rolling painting an entire building lol, which I managed to do with the help here and there of the other guys, man was I proud of myself and according to that immediate ability to respond and stick to my word of ‘getting it done’ in such an apparent simple task, I was able to realize to what extent I had limited myself by my own thoughts of distrust, of doubt and hesitation to speak – slowly but surely I saw that I had only feared being wrong, saying the ‘bad things,’ wanting to be directed/getting orders instead of actually realizing I could develop the common sense and techniques as I go, and this didn’t only apply to the work done at the farm which was already in itself a challenge but also in relation to the ability to commit oneself to do something and Actually Doing-it.  Such is the nature of the things I learned at the farm, learned Self Will and a determination I had absolutely no Idea I was able to bring forth and establish as myself, as my expression.

 

There’s No doubt that all the points I learned from Bernard and others’ interactions with him enabled me to realize that the actual power we have exists  in and as every single breath, and how we had to let go of fears to stand in order to be visible, to not be fearful or ashamed in any way of what I am doing and this is something continued to be walked every single day as the fear is no longer there, but the resolve is a constant renewal of existential vows, the reason why we’re doing this is because we have kept ourselves waiting for far too long for someone to ‘show us the way,’ and it is only now within this process and having Bernard’s example that a new living nature of humanity became a living possibility for all of us aware of and walking the Desteni process, which is nothing else than applying the tools that Bernard himself used to become what he became: the living word in flesh.

 

 

I’ve described several key moments through my journey in this entire MarlenLife blog of things I learned from him, including the R.I.P God blog wherein I realized the irrelevance of my questions about existence and reality that were based on the same constructs and ideas in separation of myself, detached from any real physical value on Earth.

I was at the Farm when we embarked ourselves in the course that is being now provided as an educational platform of self support for several people that have committed themselves to it: the Desteni I Process – back then the Structural Resonance Alignment (SRA)– and I was one of the first individuals to go through it and have the opportunity to buddy people, learning how to begin trusting my understanding and common sense and placing it into application. I remember also all the times we would have the infamous ‘Interviews from the Farm’ which were usually chats at the lounge are or the veranda with the entire group that was living there where we got some of the greatest lessons one could have ever gotten about the world system, heaven, Earth, the Afterlife, Process, The cure for our Curiosity –  it was like story time with real shocking and real supportive facts that are equally available till this day at the article section http://desteni.org/articles/interviews-from-the-farm   

I will probably always say how 2009-2010 was the greatest year of my life, and a small part of this is depicted in the following video Here as Life

The most supportive thing was when I was able to be called out for the patterns I was existing as and I am being forever thankful for the support Bernard gave me to see that which I had absolutely neglected and refused to see, up to the point where I  walked ‘the death of me’ and assisted myself to more and more grasp what must be done in this process and stand as a point of support for myself and everyone else. The thing is I wasn’t exactly told what to do which was also another point of great support – I took a decision to come back, finish school and continue with my process which has been walked with all the same support we got and continued standing and taking on the point I had resisted the most: the Equal Money System proposal and realized that it was a decision I had made to stand up for something that truly means equalizing the value of Life in this world – along with Bernard’s support we continued to walk all the matrixes of self deception to get back to the point where we have realized no solution on Earth will be possible unless we first focus on the Education of the Human Mind, and this is something I continuously confirmed through and with Bernard every single time which also strengthen the resolution to focus on what we are currently doing: supporting ourselves as we are supporting many others to get past the veils of the mind and be what I have committed myself to be: a Life-Birthing assistant as this is what I received not only from Bernard but Everyone else at Desteni, as the Desteni Group world wide, so we’ll continue to spam the world with common sense and self honesty.

 

 

I had few moments of being with him alone, and our conversations were always very directive lol which is cool in a way because that’s how I got to see that I didn’t have to ‘beat around the bush’ and go straight to the facts, get past the emotional bs and focus on the practical directions.  I must say that I had kept still a veil toward him until the past months where he became more than just a living example but also a buddy, a colleague, someone I could share and laugh with at the nonsense of the world and always bringing it back to a solution – all was clear and a constant confirmation of the common sense learned and developed through living and applying the example that he has provided us all with. I will miss that interaction, but again as the clarity that is here as I write these words, I realize that he exists As the Words we will continue to write, live and stand one and equal to, where “Bernard”ceases to exist as a name and memory only and becomes part of who we are as the words we live, standing as an example and living expression that we decided to take on from him and expand through, walking through the systems until we all realize our actual potential and live it out, because that’s what he was able to see within every single individual that had the decision to walk this process of self support. Yes never in my life had I lived with such unconditional beings at the farm and him being the example of what it is to support another the way we would like to be supported ourselves, not expecting anything in return other than the ability to stand on our own two feet, standing side by side as who he is. 

 

I had great laughs with him as well, I particularly enjoyed all the moments of laughter because he had this great sense of humor, lol everyone should have been able to listen to his characterization of the American accent or when he would approach beings at the gas station, the supermarket and ask them about god and money and what would they prefer to keep if they had the option – lol! But I also got to witness first hand the actual physical process he was going through, I witnessed the amount of pain he would endure on a daily basis due to the systems taken on by him as part of his process. I would become worried about it, I wanted to be a solution to ease his pain and he only said: keep breathing and that is already a cool thing for me – and so I will continue until the last one I give  myself. He explained to me how that was his point in process and how I would do the same in his shoes – I said Yes, and continue to confirm I stand within the resolution and self will I learned from him, a genuine example of what it is to stand by principle, doing all that he could, no matter what and never make a big fuzz about it, but learn how to breathe through it, within the understanding of what must be done here in this world.

 

 

malls the churches of capitalism

 

I learned how to  stand up to my own self-abuse, to  slowly but surely get past the trivial aspects that I had held myself a victim toward or apathetic about and be able to integrate living principles that are absolutely non existent in a reality where we abuse life in the name of power as money, in a world where a single value system has become our image and likeness of desires, wants, needs and imaginations that only benefit ourselves, disregarding the consideration of how the abuse on Earth is not built only through/due to money, but the relationships, the contracts, the profiles, the pictures we’ve created within our reality.

 

I learned what Equality means in physical practical terms, what the equation of 1+1=2 meant and I can now laugh a a bit at myself when we were discussing the Equal Money System back in 2009 and I remember asking him: but what will be the value of money then? And he simply said: Life. Eureka! a whole new world was able to be realized just because it revealed to me what kind of religion our political, economic an political systems had become. I also learned how to give myself direction and take on greater responsibilities within the group, which is something I had held myself back from doing just because of those initial fears and seeing the points as separate from me – yet when realizing the principles required for it, one can certainly develop this resolve as we go integrating the living principles necessary to establish self-trust and be able to genuinely begin living without the constant desire to ‘return to my safe cave’ and ‘forget about this ever happening’ – such point cannot exist when one realizes the extent of the problem we’re facing in this world and existence and the responsibility we hold toward every single word, every single screwed up relationship we’ve established as the reverse of Life and how we must stand up to genuinely correct the damage we’ve done to ourselves and every other living particle we’ve taken for granted as part of ourselves.

My resolve to this process is to establish the living principles he stood as the way I have been walking for the past 5 years, of course I require to strengthen my ability to see beyond the ‘downfalls’ when we see there is no way out, because we both agreed that there is always a way out and that is how one can always see solutions where I once only saw gloom and doom, death and destruction.

 

After these years of having walked the placement and development of economic, political and social systems applying the principles he shared with us, I realize the importance of first beginning to establish a living common sensical understanding and application of all of these principles and actually living them, embodying them as the way we relate to ourselves, to one another,  and stand as that pillar of support to others to o the same because I can see that we require each other to make this work and this is how more than this being about Bernard is about the living principles of self integrity, honor, self respect that we will continue to live and apply toward one another, being grateful for the existence of human beings around the world that as myself are able to Hear his words and commit ourselves to be the examples that this world has yet to realize we are all able to be and become, when we start honoring life and ensuring that we live the words and walk the way forward.

 

Thank you Bernard! I will be forever grateful but more than that, we got to now stand as the principles you left and not be a only a follower – we’re ready and capable of this. Let’s do it!

 

Bernard’s blog:
Creation’s Journey To Life

 

Also check out:

Bernard Poolman’s Quotes

 

 

Matis, Bernard Poolman

Mantis on Bernard’s hand (2009)

Support for Destonians:

 

And don’t forget to watch Bernard’s favorite besides Coffee: The Century of the Self

 

What now?

 

Ready to Become a Destonian and start Walking your Journey to Life?

Here’s How:

1) Make the Decision to Take Responsibility for yourself and stand up for Life in Equality – start Writing Yourself to Freedom, open up a blog and make a commitment to Walk the 7 year Journey to Life and share others’ blogs as well

https://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

2) Join the Desteni Lite Free Course to walk step by step the tools of Writing, Self Forgiveness, Self Honesty and becoming the Living Solution for this World.

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

3) Join the Desteni Forum: participate in discussions, ask questions and post your own blogs in the 7 Year Journey to Life thread, Let yourself be Known for your Commitment to Stand up for Life

http://forum.desteni.org/

7 Year Journey to Life Walkers: http://forum.desteni.org/viewforum.php?f=75&sid=361564addd09c47738ca69f5f9da4e82

4) Support the Living Income Guaranteed Proposal – Visit basicincome.me for regular updates and participate in the discussions on the site

http://basicincome.me/

http://basicincome.me/discuss

http://www.youtube.com/biguaranteed

5) Support Desteni and Yourself through investing in Educational and Self Supportive Material at Eqafe.com

https://eqafe.com/ and Hear all the Free Stuff here:

https://eqafe.com/free

6) Read, Subscribe to and Share Destonian’s blogs, vlogs and the Desteni Material on Social Media Sites

Give to the same Support to others as have been Given to You – Spread the Living Word wherever you can

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https://www.facebook.com/groups/2403779056/

7) Commit yourself to this Process Realizing that You are not only Walking for Yourself but to bring about a World that we all want to Live in. Share your process in videos YouTube for greater Impact and Support

 

Thank you all for reading and walking with, let’s continue honoring each other.


124. Who am I within ‘Wanting to be Alone’?

It is clear that it is a mind possession what we go through when desiring or fearing something. Wanting to be alone is just the polarity of actually fearing to be alone and as such, creating a pattern of desire and suppression as fear within events that I then define according to this single character as ‘The Loner.’

If we look at ourselves as society, we all eventually hit this spot of secluding ourselves within a constant desire or fear to be with another, fearing establishing relationships and at the same time desiring to be with others.

We have become so conflictive in our minds that we can structure an entire game of self-interest wherein all that exists is our personal benefit: ‘Oh I want to be alone/ Oh I want to be with another’ – and where’s Life in all that? Where is an actual Self-Agreement that we can consider as an actual point of Self Support that is not dependent on ‘external points’ such as people, environment and situations to  define who we are.

 

I realize throughout this exploration of ‘the loner’ that I have mostly danced around a desire to experience myself in a different way in relation to having company or not, which is then deliberately seeking to play a character that we can become for a moment and establish that as ‘who we are:’ I am alone or I am not alone anymore – and that’s it. And in that we can build and create a thousand events and stories wherein we revolve around a constant friction and conflict in relation to one single point, while everything that we are as human beings that breathe and that require to consider that there is much more than one single point of desire or fear that we trap ourselves into when believing ourselves to be these thoughts in our head, that later on become actual actions that we ‘give life’ to literally, as all actions based on desires or fear are in fact not based on a practical and common sensical consideration of who we are as individuals that exist in a physical biosphere  that we have abused when seeking only to satisfy our hopes, dreams and desires that we sometimes do not even realize we are ‘living for’ because we tend to make it ‘ok’ to keep one single piece of heaven in our pocket, without realizing that such heaven has always been an illusion,  a sugary thought that we keep just because it makes us feel content for a moment – yet it has no substance as a practical living consideration wherein we actually become beings that are able to consider another as an actual equal and one part of ourselves – instead we antagonize and desire each other, like strangers that cannot conceive that we are in fact one and equal.

 

Back to the question:

Who am I within ‘Wanting to Be Alone’?

It is just a character of self manipulation that is designed to actually activate the absolute opposite as a strong desire to create a relationship when and as the ‘conditions’ apply, which is once again a character that seeks to upgrade itself into a ‘completeness’ when being with another/ others, eventually creating yet another form of separation from that avoidance to be with others to an absolute dependency toward others – never in fact seeing and realizing that self is here as one and equal and as such, it is to step out of these limited versions of ourselves: struggling to be with others, yet wanting to be with others and in that just rocking back and forth like in a ping pong match wherein there is no actual ability to win or lose as none of the points are in fact ‘real’ – as we are never in fact all alone yet we cannot ‘complete’ ourselves with another either.

 

So this is a point of Self Honesty wherein we realize how we have created characters to stand as a form of entertainment and conflict to only exist up there in our minds, thinking why we would rather be alone or why we would want to be with another – and where is the rest? It’s simply out of the picture as we become possessed with one single point only, going in circles chasing after each pole instead of actually allowing ourselves to stop, breathe and look for a moment what it is in reality that we are whining about: is this character in any way supporting me to actually take on the practical considerations within this physical world that I require to do.

 

It is rather ludicrous how we have become the characters to such an extent that there are moments wherein we cannot apparently see beyond the fog, yet we are always here, breathing, an entire physical body keeping ourselves alive while we consume ourselves with emotions or feelings that we accept as ‘who we are.’ This is then how we have to consider how to stand one and equal as the mind to become self directive as the mind, so that everything we participate in our day to day, moment by moment reality is no longer the type of prefab limitations such as ‘the loner’ characters that only exist as the limited version that we accepted and allowed ourselves to consume ourselves with.

 

It’s definitely time to live, and by living at this stage it is to stop participating in all characters that we have created as the surrogate versions of ourselves, living for us just because we were too frightened to even consider that there is another way to exist.

I have realized how the participation in the mind is the point that becomes an addictive experience, believing that it is ‘perfectly normal’ to have some type of mind-discomfort translated as an actual pathology that we accept as ‘real’ such as ‘being a loner,’ which is just a delusion I cultivated in order to create my own character to entertain myself with – not necessary.

I have seen and realized how there is an actual fear to stop participating in our ‘personal favorites’ such as usual behavioral patterns that backup the idea of ‘who we are’ in our minds. It’s almost like an aberration to the mind the moment that we do not participate in emotions and feelings and that is an actual point of self-movement, wherein we stop acting out on that which we saw as ‘usual’ within us when the necessary conditions/ context would present itself to then look into our character wardrobe and decide what type of conflictive or pleasing ‘nature’ we want to play out in such moment, never ever realizing or considering the point of abuse that this represents.

So, it’s cool to see and realize how this character was just another way to keep me entertained in my tunnel vision in relation to myself and others

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself to a single character in my mind such as ‘The Loner’ character wherein I reduce an entire moment of who I am as flesh to one single ‘self’ that wants/ needs/ desires or rejects being with others and creating a positive or negative energetic churning and sparks about it, which is absolutely delusional to exist as a default experience that in no way assists as support me to be here as breath, physically living and considering where and how I have to direct myself to support me to actually consider how I can be and become an example of what it means to live the word: Equality as Life wherein no reaction or wavering exists when the decision to Live is done and placed in motion by ourselves,  I commit myself to LIVE as that is what we have not yet done/been in fact throughout our existence here: Life in Equality and Oneness

 

I see and realize that because we have all existed in our personal-limitations we have only feared actually getting to know each other because we have even feared establishing an equal and one relationship with ourselves, because we had not considered ourselves ‘enough’ but were actually waiting for something o someone to ‘fill in the void’ and because in our minds not just ‘anything’ can play that role. This is how we become hermits and loners to not have to actually realize that we were protecting ourselves from the actual opportunity of communicating and interacting with others as equals, which implies we cannot generate any positive or negative experience about it, but simply get used to and learn how to live and interact without any emotional or feeling input in order to assess it as ‘being actually living.’

This is how we break the addictive pattern of generating any positive or negative experience upon being alone or being with others as I then instead decide to remain here as breath.

This is the actual fear: just being here, in simplicity – how ludicrous it is – yet it makes ‘perfect sense’ as in the mind we’re always having to be bounding from one side to the other in order to keep ourselves ‘alive’ as the ‘who I am’ of/as the mind. Not necessary.

Alone is what I exist as here, as a physical breathing human body – yet I am a cell that is part of the whole that functions in unison. Right now we’re not Sound enough in our living – thus I align myself to live as the physical which means: no more powering up experiences that I entertain myself within my mind, living here as breath is like living rehab for the very first real time, giving our physical the breaths that we missed when searching for our next greatest hit. Time to live our commitment to live in and as simplicity in every breath here.

 

“We are not alone in this. And no ONE alone will change the world.”
Bernard Poolman 

 

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Equal Money System 

For further review on ‘The Loner’ Character:

 

Blogs that enable you to understand the 7 Year Journey To Life Commitment_

Day 124: TRUE ACTIVIST TEAMLIFE

How Thoughts Activate Personalities – Part 2 (Self-Commitments): DAY 124

 

GREAT Support my Marduk in these two interviews wherein I was able to see and realize the dedication to life required in order to LIVE this process day by day ensuring that we establish ourselves as the physical in the physical practical reality

Reptilians – Marduk and the Existential Mind (Part 1) – Part 81

Ever wondered what ‘black holes’?

Reptilians – Marduk and the Existential Mind (Part 2) – Part 82

Day 15: Adherence

adhere 

1    stick fast to.
2    believe in and follow the practices of.
3    represent truthfully and in detail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adhere/ stick to a relationship as soon as I got the acceptance and confirmation by another of being ‘valuable’ for them in the context of establishing a relationship, because of having the starting point of wanting to be accepted/ recognized by another in order to ‘give meaning to my life,’ which is why and how I sought relationships in absolute separation from myself, because I had not allowed me to accept myself, and in this, sticking like glue to the people that would express their appreciation toward myself, and I would experience the same ‘back,’ which is what I had deemed as ‘being lucky,’ because of being able to establish the relationships that ‘I’ had chosen to be in – apparently, without realizing that my own set of preferences as personality had sought a similar pattern that could satisfy my ‘needs’ and desires within the context of my own limitations as personality/ ego.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stick fast to and develop quick relationships mostly, always just ‘going for it’ without taking into consideration what I am exactly indulging into and getting myself into, which implies that I had merely acted out of impulse as an energetic drive, as the ‘intuition’ that I had followed whenever I would manipulate myself and the entire situation in order to ‘make it acceptable’ for me to just ‘go for it’ and establish a relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I had not allowed myself to fully consider another within these temperamental decisions that I would brew with steam wherein I would just want to settle the relationship right away and make it all happen as fast as we could, in order to satisfy my usual drive an desire to have it all as soon as possible and quick and ‘sealed,’ which was an energetic drive that I accepted and allowed to drive myself completely, without having ever taken a moment to stop, breathe and really place into perspective what it is that I was allowing within myself. Such second-point consideration didn’t exist, and I’m simply here placing it out so that I become aware of not giving into impulse and feeling for something or someone, I take the necessary time to assess the situation and place into perspective practicality and reality instead of dreaming and fantasizing to fulfill my dreams.

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order for me to be with another in a relationship, I must idolize them and admire as in seeing them as ‘more than me’ so that ‘I can learn from them,’ without realizing that this is not about being with something that you can measure as knowledge and information, as a mind system – it is about another breathing, living being that must stand equal and one as myself and any other being that is not defined by knowledge and information. This means that

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having ‘fallen for’ and had platonic relationships with people just because of the set of knowledge and information they represented as something that I aspired to become, which implies that I was only seeking to fulfill myself as an idea, as a personality that feeds off of knowledge and information as ‘who I am,’ wherein I projected such value toward others and measuring people/ potential partners/ partners according to their intellect – which means the more intelligent, bold, sharp, perceptive and shrewd = the better within the values that I placed as valuable in another, as that which I wanted to be which I never allowed myself to stand one and equal to.

 

I realize that the ability they had to communicate, interact, and establish relationships with people with great ease is what I saw I lacked therefore, wanting to stick to/ adhere and almost absorb such abilities by being with them, wherein I stopped living my life but only being the faithful companion that would ‘stick’ to them like a shadow trying to live through them a life that I thought was not possible for me to live.

I see that at least the longest relationships were with people that knew lots of people and I desired that as well but I would see myself believing that it was impossible for me to do, because of the plethora of judgments that I would project to others in my secret mind. And it was only when being in these relationships that I learned to be more open and less elitist in my mind. Yet, it was all within the context of ‘sticking to them,’ something like ‘the muse’ that is just there – adhering to their lives and not really developing my own skills, because of me being comfortable to stand as the wallflower within the general social interactions.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel utterly uncomfortable many, many times that I did not really want to adhere and go everywhere with partners, yet I would go because of fearing ‘missing out’ on something or just not wanting to be alone, wherein I would then just ‘swallow’ everywhere I had to go to with them and within this asphyxiating myself by fearing exerting my desire to just not go to their house and be by myself, I actually feared displeasing them somehow with this, just because of the habit that I created of always being ‘there’ and being the eternal mostly quiet companion.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having defined me as an ‘addition’ to another’s life and call that a relationship, wherein I deliberately diminished my interaction with the rest of my world, simply because I had obtained the recognition and acceptance I was looking for by another that wasn’t valuing myself for me being a particular character in school or in my family, but apparently liking me for ‘who I am. ‘

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adhere to the conditions and “agreements” that were never spoken in terms of having an actual relationship with another, for an extended period of time and not even knowing what it was. Such ‘not knowing’ is what lead me to create this fear and uncertainty because of fearing losing such relationship, because there was no commitment or spoken agreement at all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to mold and fit myself into another’s life wherein I became supple and submissive when it came to living the routine of seeing each other, which meant that I adhered to another’s schedules and plans wherein I had no excuse or justification to not go because I didn’t have a ‘life of my own,’ and in that, completely agreeing to just do as they said, go with them wherever they had to and just ‘be there,’ because in my mind it was much better than being alone.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deify the particular ideal of partner that I had created and fueled throughout my life from an early age and when getting that particular person in reality, which meant like winning the jackpot in my life at the time, I absolutely got blinded by this ideal and extreme desire that I had built toward another one, which lead me to absolutely neglect all the actual experiences of fear and subtle self-abuse because of believing that I could be easily replaced and me fearing losing that relationship after all the time that I had desired to be with such person.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stick/ adhere to another’s ‘rules’ and morals within a relationship, wherein I just adhered to it without a question, even though they absolutely bothered me. I kept quiet about it out of fear and within that application, I built my own fear trap, wherein I kept myself in absolute petrification to lose that relationship, just because of not wanting to stir any conflict or be threatened to be left alone if I didn’t want to comply to a certain ‘interaction rule’ within such relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to absolutely stick to another’s words and immediately be influenced by another’s living-rituals and perspectives about life, beliefs, entire mannerism and general stance toward people/ relationships and the world in general, wherein I would immediately adapt to ‘their way of being,’ while just sticking to ‘my part’ of being the faithful muse that is just there whenever they want and in that, absolutely neglecting/ diminishing and belittling myself, just because of the amount of time I spent just ‘there’ by their side, instead of being comfortable with myself, alone. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships as a way to hide and completely submit to a living condition wherein apparently, another must satisfy me in all ways, and vice versa which is the way wherein dependency is created within relationships wherein an initial search for fulfillment is tampered with the belief of ‘being complete’ only when being in a relationship with another.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to represent a loyal companion and create a religion out of a relationship wherein I made sure I would feed my obsession and another’s obsession for the sake of keeping up and energetic relationship going on, wherein no actual self-support to stop any personalities was ever considered.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having been submissive in relationships wherein I adhered to he ways and ‘rules’ of interaction as silent agreements that were never questioned by me, but only complied because of believing that ‘another knows better’ and ‘is more experienced’ and in that, simply suppressing myself every time out of fear of creating unnecessary conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adhere/ stick to the rules of the game, wherein no actual consideration of what’s best for all was considered and I allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that it was ‘alright’ and that ‘I didn’t care’ as long as I could be in that relationship, but obviously it did matter and eventually became unsustainable the very moment that I started speaking up, which I’m glad I did to finally take off the blindfold of fear.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress my actual view upon events and moments, people, environments in the moment just to not create unnecessary conflict, but instead buried that conflict within myself in fear of triggering conflict and having to experience another’s wrath.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stick to the rules of convenience placed by another, and followed/ accepted by me in a blind manner wherein all I could do is continually judge another while presenting a nice façade that could be affable and amicable toward others in general.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adhere/ conform to relationship woes and the opposite as fun and enjoyment as a usual aspect of having to ponder mood all the time wherein the acceptance of playing a particular mood and role in any given moment would lead me to be an absolute unbearable pain in the ass toward another, wherein I would only be speaking and spewing out backchat that I was not naming for what it is, but disguised it and used other points to let it out, which made no-sense and created rifts that I knew were absolutely ridiculous in nature, but I stuck with it as a way to voice out my general complain and discomfort within the relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed such relationships with no consideration to what I knew I was experiencing, yet hiding because of fearing losing that relationship after all the time invested on desiring that specific relationship, within the belief that I finally had a person depending on me which I deemed as valuable within the ‘I can’t live without you’ type of codependency that emerged from both parts, wherein within my fear of letting someone down, I allowed myself to become addicted to and allow another to become addicted to me in an equally noxious pattern wherein both avoided being alone.

 

I forgive myself for having ever accepted and allowed myself to use another being as an obsession and addiction that sought to be fulfilled all the time, while  fearing being alone, fearing letting another down and creating innumerable moments of unspoken discomfort for having compromised myself and each other to be constantly wanting to make each other ‘happy’ through any means wherein, it becomes an ‘act’ of living instead of just actually living our lives and sharing them in an equal manner.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mock my own patterns and habits of the past, because of how I lacked common sense, without realizing that we have lacked common sense from the very moment we separated ourselves from the whole and created an experience that we gave a name to in such moment, it’s the same point yet translated to a usual relationship mechanism of co-dependency and obsession and remuneration to satisfy each other’s needs. 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, within adhering to another’s lifestyle, ways of being, I made myself believe that another knew better and that I should just ‘go with the flow’ because at least it was something different and unlikely to happen in my own life, which is when I believed that living was accumulating adventures and experiences that could lead us to then have something to talk about.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to prefer adhering to another’s life, instead of having ever considered establishing my life in a parallel mode toward another, wherein actual self-support is established, and there are no dependencies toward one another in these subservient and dominant roles.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feed another’s obsessions and my obsessions wherein all that was sought to be generated was a ‘feel good’ experience that had to be kept up all the time and in that, compromising myself until it was not bearable and had to be stopped.

 

I realize that I compromised and suppressed myself completely in every single moment that I would only nod and not speak up, and that it became a ‘prop’ for my personality because of others thinking and believing that I was rather calm and peaceful and ‘quiet’ by nature, when in fact I was only hiding and suppressing the actual expression that would come up in the moment but that I hid in the name of complacency and within wanting to avoid all discord possible in the relationship.

 

I commit myself to Add-Here to myself wherein I make sure I never again create relationships based on only adhering myself to someone else’s life, wherein I become like a comfortably numb shadow that is just ‘there’ all the time, instead of actually valuing myself and my living reality as an individual that certainly doesn’t require to be ‘with someone’ to be complete, fulfilled or even enjoying myself – I realize that within living only as an ego/ personality that sought to be fulfilled, I missed the actual hereness that is here as myself as my being that doesn’t require to be with another to be fulfilled.

 

I commit myself to add-her as adding me to the equation (in an equal matter to be redundant) of any relationship wherein actual agreements of self support are established, where I can finally stick to living by principle and not by fears, preferences, beliefs and opinions of who I must be in order to be liked/ accepted by another/ others. I realized that any compromise in the past cannot exist here as what I realize now I am and how there can be no value that I can obtain from another, because this is about me – facing/ valuing self as a living being that is equally here as everyone else.

 

The point we require to implement is actual self-support through spoken/ worded self-agreements wherein all parts involved can live by the principle of conviviality as self-support with established self-agreements in self honesty wherein who we are is honored, respected and supported to develop to the utmost potential, because that’s what we are all here to be and do, in order to finally let go of all limitations, suppressions, fears and judgments toward one another of the past.

 

I realize that within adding ‘Here’ to any agreement and relationship, I take the whole into consideration wherein it is about me establishing myself as an equal part of the whole that works with others to establish relationships/ agreements of self support to for the first time, change the way that human beings have related to one another wherein no feelings, no emotions, no beliefs, no manipulation, no complacency, no fears are involved within the relationship equation, but are left completely aside to establish an actual physical agreement wherein all parts involved are equally considered and supported to establish effective communication and within that, living to the utmost potential that we all see and realize we are capable of If and when establishing a living principle as ourselves first, individually.

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Equal Money System

journeytolife

 

 

Blogs of the Day:

Judgement Day: DAY 14
Day 14: Do you Love Breakups?
Day 15: Who am I? Prisoner of the Mind?

 

 


‘The Outcast’: self-imposed tag

I  have found and realize that I used to judge and dislike people that would place tags upon others – I didn’t realize that I was in fact doing exactly the same, no only within my secret mind toward others in an automated way, but toward myself as a ‘choice’ within the suit that I wore as a personality.

I read very interesting realizations on Bella’s blog Relationships as Limitation Bubbles & Fear as Self-Abuse which ties in with a point that I have also lived throughout my life and it was only last night that I realized how we have projected onto others our own acceptance, perceiving ourselves to be rejected or even fearing being rejected which can only exist if self-acceptance is not in place.

I remember my mother talking to me when I went through a ‘difficult time’ of facing being bullied in school and becoming very sad and worried about it, and she would say ‘don’t care about what others say, whatever they think and say to you is only about themselves,’ and this supported me for a while and made me ‘stronger’ in a way – however only as temporary fix because the origin of the point was not sorted out, which was self-acceptance. I was only 7 or 8 years old then, so this wasn’t even within my ‘frame of reference’ at the time.

 

When going into junior school/ secondary school, I began struggling with going into a bigger school and seeing how people had these different ‘groups’ that would not talk to each other. I came from a school wherein the last year of elementary school we were less than 10 in the class, and we would all talk to each other and hang out together. Thus going from this small group into a group of almost 40 -in a generation of 6 groups – certainly broadened my perspective of how people would behave in terms of ‘friends’ and having their particular ‘gangs’ so to speak. I would talk to most of the people in my class, however I still would avoid not talking to some that I had judged for whatever idea of myself I had as ‘not being compatible’ with them, mostly based on preferences/ personality and level of ‘intellect’ which was another point that I would use as a means of separation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from people based on how I could ‘get along with them’ or not in relation to ‘intellect’ and being able to relate to others within the starting point of identifying myself as a certain personality

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to discriminate others based on the idea of ‘intellect’ and comparing myself to others and within that, deciding ‘who I would talk to’ in relation to how I would classify people in terms of them being ‘intelligent’ or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an intellectual elitist wherein I would avoid talking/ getting along with beings that I deemed as slower/ dumb without realizing that in that I had become my own personal-limit to get along with others in means of conviviality.

 

What I realized last night is how I had gone through a process of being ‘left out’ of a group of friends and went through the fear of having to spend recess time alone – which is something that petrified me at that time –  and how I eventually did the same ‘segregation process’ toward others. It’s fascinating to see how in my mind I was ‘the victim of those that didn’t accept me’ but in fact, I had done the exact same thing not only in school, but with people in my family and virtually with any person walking down the street that I would immediately profile and decide if I could ‘talk to that person’ or not, all based on my own preferences/ likes and ideas of myself. I had disregarded the fact that I was also doing the same that had been done onto me, yet I justified it with my self-belief of ‘not everyone being able to get along’ and having the ability to choose who to talk to or not.

 

We become our own dictators within our self-regime of who we like, who we judge, why we judge and vindicate all of that because of being a particular ‘personality,’ which in my case was also a perceived ‘odd one’ that found her place within such category, and eventually accepted by others within that same tag. And this was not only with ‘classmates’ -even though school was the main ‘realm’ I lived through within my life – but also toward family members or any other being that I would then decide I would like or dislike. I would be very judgmental and laconic, almost ‘rude’ when expressing with people that I had decided I would Not want to talk to for the reasons mentioned previously, and I can remember this experience as a ‘knowing’ that they simply wanted to communicate and talk – yet in my dictatorship they would not ‘fit in’ within the type of people I wanted to hang out with – so I would avoid replying or following a conversation with them. However, I wore the suit of ‘being the solitary one’ as a defense and excuse to actually be able to decide who do I talk to and who I don’t in terms of ‘closer relationships.’

 

It was interesting because I could talk to people, but when it came to having ‘close friendships’ I had none, not until high school with one person in my entire generation.I became judgmental and/ or ‘picky’ and created this idea of myself as ‘knowing better’ than them, eventually only ostracizing me to the point of spending my time alone, just having a ‘bad time’ every time that I was not in class until I eventually got used to it for the lack of a better experience.

 

The point with all of this is realizing how within my mind I was ‘rejected’ but in fact, I was the only one that had created such self-imposed rejection and separation through my own value schemes. I became very aware that the moment that I found ‘someone’ that I could ‘relate to’ based on how we profile relationships and types of people, I was extremely open and enthusiastic about talking and sharing, it was almost an immediate ‘friendship’ that I’m now aware was one of those necessary preprogrammed points in order for me to get into various experiences later on in my life.  However the point of recognition between both of us came through this self-ejected stance wherein we would believe ourselves to be ‘outcasts,’ yet we were the only ones that had ejected ourselves, simply because of being existing in an almost elitist way toward the rest of the people. And I’m sure that this  is how it works. Even the ‘outcasts’ had their group and would look at you weird if you dared to talk to them – lol I remember this and realized how weird it was that people that perceived themselves to be ‘rejected’ would actually reject another from approaching them. But I did the same so –  it has been the way we have ‘accepted’ social-relationships to function, which is quite fucked up to say the least.

 

So, high school to me was the time wherein I went from being quite an uncomfortable loner to a ‘loner’ that had been able to integrate and share and speak with everyone in my class. I would not ‘hang out with them,’ but I deliberately would talk to everyone. I realized that I had antagonized myself toward the ‘beautiful people’ and I actually learned quite a cool ‘lesson’ once that I opened up and communicated with them. It was funny because they had accepted me as this ‘rebel’ and I had accepted them as the ‘pretty people.’ One of those girls once told me something along the lines of ‘just because you perceive ourselves to care about how we look and are shallow doesn’t mean that we are stupid.’ I realized in that moment how I had in fact placed myself as ‘above them’ all the time and that they had just voiced out the backchat that I had held as ‘tag’ on them  and they knew, and they accepted that as a fact, and we would still talk in the classroom.

 

I have to bring up the point that this is a Jesuit school and there’s people with loads of money the same as people that do not have that much money and I was just in between.  Money would be a factor that decided ‘who’s who’ within school – however the education was based in us recognizing our ability to work together, communicate and not discriminate one another. That was a very cool aspect about it because it did support us to leave our ‘differences’ aside when it came to getting along, this made our conviviality a lot easier, even if being around 37 people in class.

 

I had a specific relationship that went from absolute hate to a very cool acceptance or even ‘school friendship’ with someone that dared to challenge my ‘self righteousness.’ He was part of the ‘rich people’ that I had judged as too ‘cocky’ and believing himself to be ‘more’ than the rest, which was the point that absolutely vexed me – never realized I was doing the exact same thing of course.

I’m actually grateful about the policies in that school. Somehow because I was a ‘good student’ and I had a history of being ‘isolated,’ our counselor called me to her office one day when we were about to finish the first year in high school and asked me ‘who do you want to be with in your next year’s class and who do you Don’t want to be with? So I only gave the name of one or two girls that I could work well and get along with in terms of school work – when I had to choose the person I did  Not want to be with, I chose this guy, stating that I could not stand his guts. From that moment on, I remained with those girls for all three years of high school, but also with the same guy, which was quite a cool move from our counselor even though I had expected to not see him again for the remainder of my stance in that school. This allowed me to face my fear of having to ‘deal with him’ in my class.

 

What happened is that because were deliberately placed in the same class, we worked out our differences through actually communicating. We stopped sitting in opposite sides of the class and eventually would sit close so that we could talk and debate about stuff from life, school, politics. Eventually I learned a lot from him, I realized that we were able to work together in school works and place our preferences aside when it came to working in teams. At the end of high school in our final ‘spiritual retirement,’ we both forgave our initial hatred toward each other and recognized our mutual appreciation and learning-process within walking through the ‘hatred’ point toward each other in front of the entire generation. I realized how much I had judged him and how much he had judged me essentially because of having stepped onto each others’ toes all the time, just because of how we perceived each other to be as ‘different personalities’ or types of people or ‘too opinionated’ lol. That was a cool moment because to me, he had represented ‘hell’ and someone I could not ‘stand’ at all, and in the end he became probably a ‘good friend.’

 

We supported each other in one way or another to get a notch down from our ego and self-righteousness, we both walked through the resistance, cease the fear and judgment and eventually end up appreciating each other. Sounds like a cool story – and I’m quite sure that if this was able to be worked out with everyone in this world, things would really change. I guess that was a very specific case wherein I allowed myself to get to know a being, in spite of how we were ‘opposite personalities’ and our world/ reality/ lives were apparently ‘too different’ – however when placing that aside, we realized that communication does not have to be based on relating to each other’s preferences and ‘lifestyles,’ but actually talking about stuff that relates to all. He’s a lawyer at the moment and he is from a family of politicians. I would tease him saying that when he would be the president, he should give me a project to paint somewhere or do some artwork for a governmental building, lol.

 

Alright, wrote a lot on that,  but that’s part of my realizations of how I lived this ‘isolation’ simply because I had chosen it, I had imposed it onto myself because I eventually realized it was all my own creation and deliberate decision to ‘not fit in’ because I had created myself as ‘not wanting to fit in’ – it really wasn’t like something that was suddenly imposed onto me = I created it, and it was mostly from this idea of being superior/ knowing better/ being better by myself.  At the end of school, when my only friend wasn’t there any longer, I would just stay in a place wherein I could watch the sunset and read a book. I wasn’t feeling ‘rejected’ any longer, it had become a ‘decision’ still based on personality, however I wasn’t uncomfortable about it in that moment, because I would be talking more to people while being in class.

 

Things changed when hanging out with people outside of school. Suddenly I was not being ‘accepted’ because of being able to talk and relate to others in school terms, but this was about personal relationships that one develop as friendships based entirely on personality – no practical ‘teamwork’ here. And that’s where the oddity began for real, because even though I was able to ‘choose’ who to hang out with, I went through a face of fearing losing such relationships –  until I faced my ‘biggest fear’ which was losing these people, being ‘once again alone.’ And, for the most part, I’ve been ‘alone’ for the past 5 years –except one year when I went to the farm – wherein my life was simply going to school, having the regular interactions with people in class and that’s it. I never went to a single ‘party’ in college and that might be as odd as can be, but I wasn’t simply interested in that.  A ‘fear’ of ‘having missed the entire art school experience’ comes only now that I’m done with it, fearing that I didn’t use the opportunity to the maximum to actually develop skills there, but only ‘went through it’ mostly because of placing all my focus and attention to the process we’re walking here – however this is only a mind fear, as in ‘being missing out the party/ missing out on life’ which is something that took me quite a while to grasp, simply because of that same idea of ‘living through experiences.’

 

When stopping friendships and relationships, I realized that I had to now face myself after having feared losing everyone – even if ‘they’ meant 3 people or 4 to the max – and stand alone.

 

For the past almost 2 years I have been alone and I see it as a necessary time to get comfortable in that aloneness, simply because of how much I had feared it yet desired it at the same time. It’s an odd game that we play wherein in fact we all seek to be able to get along with each other and we can only ‘fear’ it because of other fears, judgments, even being used to ‘being alone’ as well, which I can recognize wherein at times I simply wanted to be alone again when being with lots of people. Entering a relationship in fear of losing it is already something that I can recognize going through as well.

So within all of these fears and eventually facing them in real-life, I was able to recognize the energetic addictions that we develop toward either being alone/ not being alone as a point of self-definition, an experience that we feed as ourselves which keeps us bound to one pole or the other, instead of standing within this point of self-acceptance as an individual = alone – yet the point is to stop the experience of ‘loneliness’ which has been quite a process for me. And I had only lead me to a single spot: getting to a point of self-acceptance, self-enjoyment that I had realized I could experience after having been so addicted to/ attached to living my ‘life’ through and with others and being constantly seeking our ‘next greatest excitement’ through various ways.

 

I stopped avoiding being alone and embraced that point as an ability to appreciate myself, which I hadn’t done before, even when ‘being accepted by others’ I would take that as an ‘add on’ to my self-appreciation, never ‘gave it to myself/ accepted it as myself’ so to speak. And now, I am starting to realize that it is only within this starting point of self-agreement as self-appreciation, self-acceptance standing alone that I see how these dependencies to either being accepted/ rejected, being ‘in’ or ‘out’ of a particular social context was only existent within me as a self-imposed limitation based on my personality/ ego as preferences, judgments and essentially the ‘elitist’ eye that I would view everyone with, wherein I would deliberately decide who do I mingle with and who do I just ‘talk to in means of not generating enemies’ which was another story.  I went through making sure that I would talk to everyone in order to not generate any antagonism as the one that I had experienced with the guy that I wrote about earlier on. This is how I see politicians functioning at the moment with people, they tend to want to not generate any conflict/ antagonism/ rejection with the people, so they present themselves in a particular way expecting to always be liked, never opposed, even though the opposition becomes an inevitable thing within this world.

 

So – fear of being alone and my various judgments toward people became quite a cool thing to walk through within my life, probably not even realizing much about it because we tend to only keep certain details about our experience of the past in our mind, which makes us either love it or hate it and remove all the actual interactions that might have led to a tiny bit of a change and realization through interacting with people. The point is that if I had not allowed me to, for example, get along with that person that I had judged extensively or even ‘detested’ at some point, I would not have allowed that point of expansion within myself. I remember people asking me ‘how was I able to ‘stand him’?’ because in their mind schemes we were like oil and water and could not fathom us getting along – so that’s an indication how even at the eyes of others based on these same ‘schemes,’ we tend to segregate each other and categorize wherein anything that simply could not ‘get along with each other’ is seen as an aberration within their ideas of ‘how the world should be.’  It was actually quite cool to be vulnerable with each other and get to know that in spite of his perceived ‘fame and fortune,’ he had a really tough time within feeling rejected and hated by most of the people – which was a similar pattern another similar guy once shared with me -which revealed another aspect of how I had been part of those people that despised him simply because of perceiving him as conceited and ‘too cocky’ to give a fuck about anything. But in fact, he dealt with a lot of internal conflict because of how everyone would judge him, without allowing themselves/ ourselves to actually get to know him. So, it was cool getting to see the other side of the coin and break-through those limitations.

 

I share this because to me this was an experience that changed my approach toward beings, allowed me to not discriminate just because of how people would look like or how I would profile them. When getting to college and having various different types of classmates, I was able to get along with most and realized that it could only be a judgment that kept me from speaking with others. And from there and later on in art school, I mostly remained ‘alone’ as in not always being with someone in particular – yet was able to share, talk and enjoy other’s presence. That was definitely also because of already been walking this process and facing all possible judgments on my face.

 

From this perspective I would see myself ‘out of the circuit’ of how people would get along with some and dislike others/ judge others and segregate themselves – it was like me being just ‘there’ and not really playing the game of taking a particular side or antagonize another in particular – as it seemed it sometimes ‘worked’ there. It was actually odd for me to get along with someone and having some other person saying hi to me, yet not saying hi to the other person I was with simply because they had a ‘story’ behind. I simply did not follow through such separation, I would then explain how I would not stop talking to someone based on what others might think about them. It’s fascinating how within a single classroom you get all of these different ‘groupings’ that oppose each other – no wonder how when looking at the world, we have wars manifested out of that single separation that – once again – begins with a point of identification that separates us from the rest, from realizing we are in fact one and equal and have to now establish a conviviality based on Equality.

 

This is how to wrap this up, I agree with Bella and everyone at Desteni on how we have realized that Equality is the solution to all separation in this world, this is the only way that we can in fact sort our differences out not by ‘tolerating them’ or ‘getting along with it’ – but actually self-forgiving them within the realization that they have been specific mechanisms to divide us and in such division, be easily polarized and controlled. Equality means then the actual realization of our full potential if we dare to work as equals. For that, Desteni as a group is already proof of that, wherein a single Life Principle can become the driving force that keeps the cohesive stance of each other as equals.

It is only Equality that can prevail in this world.

 

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