Making a Hypocritical display of virtue
The word hits the nail on the head to explain a self-conscious virtue that one display in order to get quite a satisfaction from actually showing it off, while waiting to ‘gain points’ to obtain that which is either able to be categorized as a ‘good being reputation,’ a ‘benevolent’ person that supports those in need or a piece of heaven for it, which was the type of constant self-consciousness I would have: be good, be benevolent, you don’t want ‘others’ talking shit about you. Hence, all this ‘good deeds’ were in fact always motivated by ‘how others will see me’ and maintaining this flawless reputation that I created from when I was in school. However, I learned how the system works and started using it for my own benefit, which included creating a positive reputation so that later on no one could ‘doubt’ of me doing something that was ‘wrong’ or ‘bad.’ And I must say that even in this point of awareness of human-reputation, I would mostly fear doing something bad/ wrong because of an ingrained fear of god/ punishment in ‘unknown ways,’ because I also learned how people were supposed to get a hell of a life if they had been ‘bad people’ in their lives – hence the ignorant belief that poor people had been in fact very bad people in past lives.
When thinking of the word pious what I get is several experiences lined up as the same type of event: showing others how to do something in school/ supporting them to get past any form of problem to which I would always get a kick when being thanked or even praised for ‘being such an angel/ good person’ and helping them out, deeply knowing that I was in fact doing it to get this type of psychological reward while believing as well that they would only say that to later on be able to ask me again/ be supported/ helped by me.
In this the superwoman point emerged, I mean, believing that one is in fact able to help others and live a life doing that in order to ‘make others feel good and make myself feel good,’ however how much of that was in fact actually supportive if I were to only solve their problems without them taking responsibility for it? And also within me: what was the driving force to place myself at the disposition to support? Altruism and ‘good hearted people’ may seem like apple pies on the outside, but as we know and realize our human nature we cannot possibly remain within this nice belief considering that the very system that we live in is based upon Rewards, which translate into any type of positive energy/ money that adds up like stars in a rating system. And that’s what it was all about: being the star with most ‘positive feedback’ to, just like any other product, gain value in my world-market to make myself feel good, ensure a future of well-being – because, you know, people that are able to establish such good reputation from an early age were supposed to be winners/ ensured successful beings in the world system. And it seems even unreal to say it, but I became aware of it at a very early age upon seeing how such reputation worked at the level of world-system/ business/ money/ relationships, becoming this ‘golden trophy’ that I knew would add up within my reputation the more I ‘did good.’
And this is essentially what I was basing my life upon, it was actually like a constant masquerade I’d wear and become very aware of whenever I would get to a new school, with any ‘new people’ I’d meet, new environments I’d settle in, using a ‘good sense of humor’ and the willingness to ‘help’ as a way to create relationships out of self interest, realizing how I would probably eventually ‘need them in the future,’ and as such becoming a calculator within my demon.stration of benevolence as a pious showoff of such ‘virtues’ = making relationships in an easy way out of self interest. This lasted up to the time when I still wanted to be such an example of ‘good person’ and that ended like 10 years ago. After that I went to the opposite side due to becoming rather critical about any attempt to be successful in the world, however I still would not give up my ‘achieved path,’ I kept the desire to build such reputation but in an apparently ‘unconventional manner’ which lead me to an even ‘more’ special point of reputation to the point of sickening myself with feedback from others saying how benevolent/ good person/ considerate one I was. And hell, for all that we are aware now as our process, I would not trust a single thing of feedback anyone else had to say about me, because I knew I was doing it and probably everyone else was also doing it and as long as any of such ‘benevolent acts’ were actually fueled by the desire to get a point of recognition/ positive feedback/ stars accumulated in my curriculum, none of it can be considered as an actual point of self-support in consideration of others as myself.
This is within the vein of ‘The Force of Good’ points that we probably never investigated within us, because we believed that such ‘good/ positive’ thinking/ deeds were ‘absolutely honest’ and ‘good natured,’ however how can Anything of what we’ve done in fact be ‘good’ if we only considered our own reputation, our own ‘good feelings’ about such deeds in fact. We have all been hypocritical for that matter and this is just part of the aspects of how we have hand picked our life experiences to remember always in a positive/ laureate manner while hiding the actual starting point for such actions being only self interest.
What we have to realize is that we are in fact able to support each other to get to stand as our optimal living condition in this world once that there is no competition to be ‘the most benevolent one’ to get the most “good reputation” that translates to credit/ money within the world system to get all the benefits. IF we give benefits to ALL beings equally, THEN, what is there to ‘disguise’ as a benevolent being/ pious display of virtues in self interest any longer? Nothing, there will be no more laureate people doing anything ‘benevolent’ in self interest, and instead it will become a single living-integrated realization that life can only flourish and continue if all beings are Equally Supported as Life. Once that survivalism is no longer the measure point for our actions, our lives can be measured/ valued and lived according to the physical-worth of actions that in fact support life in Equality.
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