Tag Archives: anger

409. The Uncomfortable Truth

 

Estamos atados a nuestra mente 07

 

 

One of the reasons why this process cannot be done by ‘one individual alone’ is because we are very prone to creating our comfortable bubble where we believe that ‘nothing is happening, I don’t react, everything’s done, my mind is quiet’ and how else would it be if I remained in my own little world and my own little bubble!’ So that is certainly not walking process. Facing yourself as this world is not only facing ourselves in our own minds or as ‘the world system’ but facing each other as the mind we are and have become.

 

So, here I open up my recent reactions to the exposure of my own truth which is the state of the mind that we all have and how whenever someone dares to ‘show it all’ then I react ‘OH man! how dare that person do that!’ or ‘How can that exist within a person’s mind? which is all backchat that is in fact immediately dodging MY own responsibility to myself, my mind, my judgments instead of immediately reacting to ‘assess’ another’s mind/words/actions/behavior within me as the character of ‘politeness’ or keeping things in order and control, no different actually to how politics operate and I will open up this point of politeness and how it is in fact of course a façade and self-deception that as anything, can be walked through and rather turned into an expression of consideration, instead of a blanket used to cover up that which I ‘don’t want to see/face’ as myself which is essentially just postponing facing the inevitable which is the truth of who we are and have become as our minds, and so to not judge ourselves as the mind, but rather learn how to support ourselves, how to understand ourselves as the mind, how to self-forgive and so walk/live the corrections which is the real direction for self-change required here.

 

The most important thing within this is to realize that taking one’s mind or another’s mind personally is a reaction, it is of the mind and it is only perpetuating the same problem we have co-created because it is like realizing that one participating in one’s mind is like giving fuel to a fire. So, basic point here is also to realize that we’re all in a process and even if one is aware of the tools and ‘knows’ about the principle of self-responsibility, it doesn’t imply that ‘that person is going to take self responsibility’ or ‘is not reacting at all now.’ We are all walking through it and what’s more important: if I react to another and turn it as a point of having my expectations ‘unfulfilled’ it means that there’s a point of expectation that I haven’t really sorted out and a point of reaction toward words/actions that exist in one’s mind behind such ‘disappointment,’ and that because this mind exists within me and everyone, then it is my responsibility to actually take responsibility for it – No more and no less, no matter ‘who’ I believe is triggering an experience within me, I have to be able to stand absolute regardless of what is being said/done either personally or indirectly.

 

I realize that my responsibility does not extend only to ‘myself’ but others as well,  and that’s where I tend to simply think that well, I can ignore the person/situation and not make a fuzz about it – but if the person is already walking a process  and they are already working on themselves to stop the mind, then it is absolutely my responsibility to support another within my possibility and ability to do so,  as that is exactly what I would like and want another to do with myself as well, which is actually what I have lived through these past years of being supported as part of a group walking this process of unveiling the ‘uncomfortable truths’ of ourselves as the mind, that which we have kept secret and ‘veiled’ throughout time.

So here is a self-reminder how everything works in reverse in the mind: we have to be cautious when things seem ‘too stable’ or ‘not much happening’ and instead whenever conflict emerges to be grateful for it as it is unveiling an aspect of myself, of ourselves that we haven’t faced as is the case here.  

 

 

The Human Being, being Sensitive to Discord, Disharmony, Disease – are very easily Motivated to Seek Out the Harmony within themselves as the Equilibrium of Multiple Systems, Interacting within Relationship of a Closed System, as a Balanced Perfection for the Sole Purpose of Keeping the being Engaged at All Times; to Seek the Equilibrium and to Keep the Equilibrium going, and where Mastery will be to become a Master of Love, and Stay within the Geometrical Equilibrium.[…]

This Principle has been Very Cleverly used to Keep the Physical Reality in a Form of Stable Control. With None of the Beings in Multiple Forms Realising How their Existence has been Systemized to be Followers of Reaction and Instinct. Followers of Pre-Planned Preprogrammed Designs, with Rewards along the Way when Equilibrium Spots are Hit within the Map of the Book of Life.” Bernard Poolman

 

 

 

This is the realization that everything that I judge in another exists within me.

 

Character extraction

 

Continuing from:

 

Self Responsibility and taking it All back to self at the individual level.

Based on the usual judgments I have created upon people that I perceive have something ‘wrong’ in them to, for example, be what I have defined as deliberately ‘evil’ or deliberately ‘deceptive’ or deliberately ‘conflictive’ and perceiving myself that ‘I could not stand such individual’ is demonstrating to me one thing only: where and how I have not yet considered such individual as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from another within the consideration that if the person is too mind possessed, too conflictive, then I don’t want to have anything to do with the person, which is essentially playing what I had criticized in our society wherein those that were mentally challenging to society and deemed as ‘crazy’ or ‘too out of the loop’ so to speak, were exiled and sent out of the main centers of society, as they actually posed a threat to the order, the ‘system’ in itself which I also conceived as a reason to simply not have to ‘deal with’/walk with and actually learn how to assist and support ourselves as individuals that can be mentally challenging when it comes to how we operate in our minds.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become my own denial as in wanting to not face or excuse myself from having to confront/face a part of me as another individual that exists in fact in each one of us that have a mind, wherein when seeing patterns in another that I believe myself ‘incapable’ of doing or not being able to ‘fathom’ them, I go into a helplessness situation toward that point/person/mind that I am in fact then still reacting to within the belief that ‘ I cannot conceive how that can exist in another/ why they say/do things in such ways’ without realizing that who we all are and have become in our minds is essentially the description of being mind controlled, being schizophrenic as in being separated from each other, from our physical body and have become nothing else but ‘agents’ to consciousness, to the mind which we here understand that it has never existed within the principle and consideration of what is best for all because the starting point and origin of our mind was never meant to support our self-realization of being in fact equals and one in this reality and so

When and as I see myself creating a denial/existing in denial based on how I react to another’s mind based on backchat, beliefs, perceptions, assumptions and expectations of ‘how another should act/be by now’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that here I am going into the assumption that people have had to ‘change’ already according to time and process application, without realizing that me reacting to another’s mind possession or patterns is in fact indicating my own patterns, my own reactions that I still have to deal with/walk through which is the whole point here. I realize that it is not about ‘the other person’ as it is all about myself, my own reactions to words/patterns/behaviors that exist within each one of us as mind consciousness systems that even if we know ‘how to support ourselves’ with self-supportive tools, I am here being the proof that going into denial, helplessness, disbelief, disappointment about others is really only about myself that am still reacting to people’s minds, processes and experiences.

 

I commit myself to when facing a person that is in a particular mindset that I have defined as ‘tough’ or ‘challenging’ that I then place myself in the position of understanding which is a practical humbleness that I have to practice wherein instead of looking for someone else to ‘take the ball’ I rather read/hear the person’s words and see how can I best assist and support myself to understand the person and so be able to in turn support another within  placing myself in another’s shoes so to speak – which practically means living humbleness without expectations of ‘what the person should already know by now’ as we have proven ourselves as human beings that ‘lessons learned’ have come and gone and we have repeated the exact same mistakes, which shows then to what extent I have to remind myself that it isn’t as ‘easy’ to change or to expect change from others instead of first working with myself to ensure that I am in fact that point of change and the becomes the living example of how it is possible to walk with and support another as myself, regardless of ‘who’ that another is, ‘what’ they say or how they present themselves as I then recognize and realize at all times that ‘that another person is myself too.’ And this is the essential aspect of facing our equality: nothing of what exists in another is really ‘separate’ from myself, and so

I commit myself to live by the principle of really stopping any expectation upon another, any idea of ‘how another should be/act like/live by now’ within ideas, beliefs or perceptions of who I believe another to be – and instead focus on myself, on actually ensuring that I am not immediately diverting my attention to ‘another’ but to first and foremost focus on myself as it would be kind of pointless to try and ‘support another’ if I am reacting even in the most subtle ways.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to see my reaction as ‘disappointment’ but I realize that this would be like wearing a ‘good doer’ suit wherein it is  perceived as  more ‘benevolent’ to believe I experience disappointment upon myself and others upon who I created expectations about ‘who they are’ but  instead I recognize the ‘disappointment’ as the façade to create a form of victimization, because it’s seen with a ‘better light’ at the eyes of others, but in fact it was just an experience of giving  up, not knowing what to do/how to solve situations and problems wherein I then go into the experience of ‘I do not know what to do/what else to say’ and in doing so, rendering the situation, the person simply ‘gone’ and ‘obsolete’ – which is no different, once again to how we treat mentally ill people in our society, wherein because don’t take the time to walk with them, we simply locked them out, treat them as schizophrenics, paranoids with dissociative personalities and never have in fact taken the time to investigate what they represent as a part of ourselves, as the mind and so to not judge the person as the actual physical living flesh they are, but to simply learn to observe, to recognize the mind for what it is, and so be able to develop ways to assist and support oneself and others to best be able to walk through our mind and to always stick to principle instead of allowing personal vendettas or personal experiences and points taken personal from deviating ourselves from this process wherein for the first time we are doing what has never been done and what we as human beings don’t like doing which is: seeing ourselves as the mind, introspecting, self-investigating, which this includes not only ‘myself’ but also learning how to walk with others, their minds and configurations, to understand how and why they ‘came to be’ who they are as the mind and so never miss the point of realizing that no matter ‘how bad’ or how ‘evil’ I may perceive another, I am only judging another’s mind with my own mind which means that this is a point that obviously exists within me and here to self-forgive.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having harbored throughout many years the idea that because we are in this process, we simply do not ‘intend’ any ‘evil’ against one another, and so in this creating the assumption that because we understand principles, then it’s done, there’s no more frictions or conflicts, backchats beliefs toward one another, but this is simply not so. I’ve realized how much work it actually takes to really integrate this point of self-change and my point here to take self responsibility for is the experience of just projecting my own giving up to another as in ‘not knowing what else to do’ and seeing another as a ‘lost case’ instead of actually realizing that this mind /this person/this situation is actually a gift wherein I am demonstrating and mirroring back to myself where it is that I still have to work with within myself, within my mind, within my expectations and stopping them, within the memories that get activated within me whenever I have been throughout my life subject to any form of another’s mind projection as I see and realize that in the past I accepted and allowed this to affect ‘me’ because I then had no context or understanding of who we are as the mind and therefore

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create the thought pattern of ‘humanity is evil’ when I was in elementary school and I was subject to bullying for being the ‘star of the class’ and have kids stop talking to me or telling me how they were going to ‘defeat me’ and ‘bring me down’ and ‘win over me’ wherein I created an extensive amount of stress, apprehension and general I could say depression at age 7-8 wherein I could not fathom why these kids that were supposed to be my friends, my classmates were ‘getting at me.’ In this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of ‘I rather just not be ‘as good as I’ve been’ so that ‘they’ can have the spot they want and ‘I’ stop being the problem for them’ – without realizing that in this I would have given up on myself and making their words a ‘reality’ as a point for me to make decisions based on what others think/believe/say about myself or toward ‘me.’ So I realized by support of my mother that that was not the way and that I simply didn’t have to ‘listen to others’ but still, this ‘spine’ that emerged from these situations and later on becoming more aware of how we operate toward another as human beings in this world, made me feel powerless toward ‘the evil’ in this world and the actual nastiness and secrecy and deliberate hate that exists between human beings, which is how I then created the experience of being ‘too sensitive’ to these things which is why I then became a ‘hard ass’ so to speak so as to be able to cope better with all of these experiences that I went through while growing up and ‘taking the heat’ of things, while seeing myself in a constant ‘battle’ so to speak, which is why I also developed this mentality of having to be on a ‘defense mode’ most of the times toward those that I perceive are ‘out to get me.’

I realize that this is the modus vivendi that we all have, and that I’m no different to any other individual and I bet we have all created and built up our ‘walls’ of defense so that no one can really ‘get us’ or get to see the actual vulnerability that we all have as human beings, because this is understood as an opportunity to abuse a form of trust, of intimacy and understanding – so I see that because I’ve done this myself, I’ve been there myself, I can then understand why in the mind we tend to automate defense-mode and ‘attack-modes’ toward one another in the belief that ‘we have to defend ourselves.’

The  only thing that requires to be ‘defended’ is who we are as ego, because Life is simply recognized and supported.  

 

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have re-enacted, re-experienced within myself the same experiences of shock, sadness, disbelief and mostly  helplessness toward others such as the memory when I saw my ‘friends’ in school talking to each other’s ears during lunchtime and looking at myself and when I tried to join them, they simply ignored me, which is when I decided that I would have to learn how to be alone – and in this, allowing this secrecy and these backchats and ‘conspiracies’ about me to get everyone in the group to ‘dislike me’ to define ‘who I would be’ toward everyone else which is how I then started developing a constant state of distrust, having very few people as ‘friends’ and generally toward human beings creating this general idea that ‘everyone is evil’ so I could not like or trust people easily, which in a way it was cool as I was seeing the nature of who we are as the mind – but the problem is that I took it personally and I believed that ‘the world was out to ‘get me down’’ and that people wanted ‘my position’ in school/in my life or that ‘wanted’ my life, which lead me to essentially have virtually no friends, specially no ‘female’ friends as I considered that it was easier to ‘get at me’ or get to ‘steal’ the people I liked or my friends – lol which my fear became somewhat true at some point – but I see that this is all just what I have created in my mind, as my memories that I’ve loaded based on that initial disbelief, sadness, helplessness toward others’ words and having taken them personally, and so as a ‘result’ simply managing to become a ‘tougher’ person which was nothing else but the expression I had to ‘pull out’ in order to defend myself and have ‘no one to fuck with me’ which of course is not the solution, as this ‘stance’ of self-defense or being in constant ‘vigilant’ mode also leads us to perpetuate the state of wars within and wars without.

 

So in this I realize that If I am in fact here to embody stability and harmony as myself and toward others, I have to first ensure that I am not conditioning my behavior based on ‘how others act’ and so ‘act as a response To Them’ as this would be then Re-acting, responding, replying, reminding myself ‘who I should be’ toward another based on memories, emotions, beliefs, expectations, assumptions  – all of which is of the mind and all of which I cannot trust when being here with another, reading/hearing/sharing words with another and so in this

I commit myself to ensure that whenever I read something that is directed towards ‘me’ and I perceive it as a form of attack or slander, I stop and I breathe. And I ensure that I am stable and that I am not rehashing my past memories and experiences of ‘not knowing how to deal with this attack’ as in primary school – but instead immediately ground myself within the realization that these words are coming from another mind as part of the mind that I am also existing as, and as such, reacting in any way with fears, judgments, emotions and beliefs is nothing else but perpetuating the problem = not taking self-responsibility for myself, therefore I direct myself then to take into consideration how can I best support that individual and do so the same way I would like it to be done to myself, and actually seeing or ‘reminding’ myself that that person is a part of me that I am here to support as I have vowed to do so for myself in this process.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the façade that ‘everything should be fine’ because ‘there is no conflict’ and as such maintain this belief or experience of ‘everything is cool’ or ‘workable’ and whenever  a point of conflict emerges in my world and reality,  then I go into a form of ‘blame’ toward the person/point that emerged as ‘conflict’ for ‘disrupting the workable/agreeable situation’ which is in fact only pointing to myself where it is that I want to maintain a form of control over how I believe the situation should be, and how even if I have tried to ‘embrace conflict’ there was an expectation of such conflict being ‘solved’ already and so when the point repeats/reactivates I go into a helplessness state as in the belief of ‘this point/person/mind should have gotten it by now’ and so in this actually using  this backchat as an excuse to not FIRST of all look at why have I created such expectations upon ‘others’ instead of first pin pointing the reaction, the experience that leads me to create such backchat in the first place? Why have I accepted and allowed myself to dismiss this subtle reaction within ME and immediately shift it toward ‘another’ which implies a form of righteousness as well: I am right and the other is the one causing the conflict, which is in fact dodging /abdicating my own responsibility first and foremost. 

 

When and as I see myself having the backchat/assumption of ‘This person should have gotten it by now’ I stop and I breathe as I realize that in this I am immediately dodging my own reaction, my own expectations, my own beliefs upon that person/situation and the belief of ‘point being corrected/point is aligned/point will no longer repeat the pattern’ as I realize that in the mind everything that we have become throughout time is nothing else but a broken record where we repeat our same experiences from our very early memories in our lifetime, which I have seen and exposed for myself as well. Therefore I then commit myself to understand the person/situation, rather see what point is emerging now, what point is repeating, why and how can I best assist and support myself first to practice blaming or seeing ‘others’ as the problem, as I realize that obviously no matter how ‘subtle’ these reactions emerge within me, such words when directed as an expectation ‘toward another’ is indicating me that I first have to look within myself and see where I haven’t yet changed/aligned and corrected the point of reaction within myself, which is the whole point here of absolute self-responsibility and taking it all back to self.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the denial of my own secret mind when judging secrecy based on others’ words/actions, without realizing that in this I am once again dodging the realization that everything that goes on in my mind is still somewhat ‘secret’ as in there being no other being but myself in my mind and so by judging/denying/pointing fingers at ‘secrecy’ I am in essence missing out the point that has actually enabled us all to become ‘fearful’ to things like mass surveillance and so forth, which is how we want to ‘keep things secret’ as in hidden agendas where one can still allow backchat and imaginations/fantasies for ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about others which is a form of abuse as I realize that I would certainly not want myself to be subject to or an object of someone else’s mind – so for this, it is to first of all understand that ‘who we are as the mind’ has been the epitome of secrecy, the secret mind as that aspect of ourselves that we have veiled from everyone else, wherein we usually paint a good picture of us while hiding the ‘actual truth’ of ourselves. And so the title of this is ‘the uncomfortable truth’ which is where we believe that we are ‘right’ in our minds, that we are the ones doing the proper assessments, without realizing that when we are in any way judging/blaming/dismissing or denying another as oneself, one is definitely becoming the source and origin of the problem itself, as in the mind nothing can be trusted, in the mind as an immediate and almost ‘quantum’ experience that comes into our physical bodies and permeates our ‘reasoning’ from which we create an immediate response/reaction toward another, is not to be trusted, it is to be actually Stopped, breathed through in order to then assess what is it that’s coming up within me, why am I having this experience in my physical body, and so not attempt to ‘reply’ or ‘react’ to another as a way to ‘prove wrong’ or ‘prove right’ but instead focus on how I can respond in a way wherein I am taking self-responsibility which means that

 

I commit myself to respond to another based on the consideration of themselves as myself, and so first ensuring that I am fully stable, not participating in any experience – and if I was, then I Refrain/stop myself from reacting in the moment – so that I can take the time to assess how it is best to assist and support another, instead of wanting to ‘teach a lesson’ or ‘remind’ another of something that I believe ‘should have been ‘gotten’ by now’ – which is another form of righteousness or superiority when it comes to ‘proving another wrong’ or proving that ‘the point has not changed’ as an excuse to ‘dismiss’ another, which would be like wanting to cut my own arm just because it doesn’t have the strength that I expected it to have, even if I haven’t actually done the necessary work/training to develop such muscle and ensure that I have done all that is required to, for example, have my arm have a particular strength to a particular task or ability in my physical body.

 

I realize that everything that we’ve done throughout our lives in this reality is to dismiss, deny, negate, discriminate, exile, marginalize everything and everyone that doesn’t comply or doesn’t ‘fall’ into the creation of a normalcy which can be of course quite deceptive if not all cards are on the table, which means if oneself hasn’t actually taken absolute responsibility for what one is doing/experiencing/believing and perceiving about others and or the reasons why I would want to not want to see/not want to face/exile or marginalize another within the belief that ‘there is no cure, there is no solution’ which all that comes to mind when writing these words is the image of doctors in mental institutions that keep patients sedated and fully controlled just because we’ve given up on understanding how they got to such mental condition – or with ‘criminals’ that are sentenced to death which is our easy way out in society to deal with our own consequences, to not have to ‘face the dangerous person’ but, really being foolish to not investigate HOW and WHY we have created such mental problems, such so-called ‘criminals’ and why even our definitions of mental illnesses and criminals have been so diminished in our ‘mind framework’ dismissing all of us really that still exist in our minds and that still participate in a world-system where we commit crimes against life as a collective by allowing the starvation and the marginalization of those that we have rendered ‘helpless’ and ‘poor’ and ‘eccentric’ and ‘mentally ill’ and so forth, which are all tags that we create to justify our inability to work with them/walk with them in order to get to point of stability – which, of course, won’t be an easy thing to do, but it is what I would like others to do toward myself if I was in such position/role of being the marginalized, the ‘ousted’ one or the rejected one, as I’ve certainly to some degree have faced such point myself so, I realize that that is what I want for myself and so I have to give it to others that are willing of course to support themselves back, as that’s the essential principle I commit myself to walk here: to support others the way that I would like to be supported myself.

 

I commit myself to stop all assumptions, all projections of ideas/beliefs and perceptions I have toward ‘others’ and ‘who they are’ or ‘Should be’ in my mind, and instead commit to live in the moment where words are assessed in the moment instead of carrying ‘past history’ of a person within myself as a recollection of ‘experiences’ toward ‘them’ to then decide ‘who I am toward the person’ as this is my own conditioning my own ‘program’ that I have to ensure is not interfering with my ability to support another as myself which begins by ensuring I am not tainting another’s words based on the past or ‘who I believe the person to be’ but rather work each time, anew, from the words  in the moment, no past, not future, just here.

 

 

I commit myself to live the word humbleness in practicality within the consideration of others as myself which implies placing myself in the shoes of another, understand ‘where they’re coming from’ ensuring I’m not taking their words/actions/thoughts personally, but that I am able to instead if I see myself able to understand the words, I can most certainly challenge and will myself to support another that I see is willing to support themselves too, as this is how I see that through supporting each other it is easier to face the points and patterns that still exist within ourselves, so this is to not see another through eyes of ‘how changed he/she should be by now’ but to simply work with what is here, no preconceptions, no expectations, no denials, no running away or dodging the point but facing it fully here as it is part of my reality, and that then is of course my responsibility to face as well.

 

I commit myself to live the word gentleness which is a very necessary aspect when it comes to my words and to ensure that I am not in any way creating a defense mode toward another or to prove ‘righteousness’ or want to ‘control’ a situation through any amount of force, as I realize that this is what I have judged from any form of ‘authority’ that I have experienced such form of ‘control’ form, which is nothing else but actual fear that attempts to keep things ‘stable’ instead of facing them and directing them as self – so I realize that in order to live Gentleness  I have to let go of any speck of fear that creates the ‘defense mode’ and so align my words to embody that gentleness, consideration and humbleness to understand another, to support another as I would like to be supported myself and so be willing to embrace all parts of what is here in this world as myself and as points that I require to face if I am in fact to ‘train’ myself to educate myself to support any other person in this world that wants to support themselves back.

 

Further reading:

254. Beautiful Enslavement and Control

 

 

Suggested places to understand more about how to embrace and support the nature of who we have become as our mind:

 

Demonology | Revealing the world of demonsDesteni

 

The History of Desteni and Demons – Part One – YouTube

 

 

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To learn more about how to support yourself and another, share, walk with us and become part of the necessary liberation from fighting against each other and instead, become life:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


408. Taking it All Back to Self-Responsibility

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A deeply ingrained pattern within me was to see everyone and everything else as the source of my dissatisfaction, my anger, my sadness, my despair and general experience of being vexed just about everything in my world. I actually saw this world as not good enough ‘for me’ instead of ever pondering whether I was ‘making it a better place’ with existing in such constant state of complain and blame toward ‘people of this world’  which is like a constant state of ‘being against world,’ which I used as an excuse to relate to as little people as possible, being rather anti-social and the people that I would gather with, would have a similar bashing toward ‘the system’ as myself and similar preferences when it comes to art or music that would usually create a ‘window’ to just escape the reality that I would define in all derogatory manners I could. I even got fed up with having to live every single day and go through the same routine ‘For what? To make the world a shittier place than it is? To waste more water, food, to eat more animals, to trash the Earth more?’ Was the usual backchat… and still at times something that I have to direct within myself in Self-Responsibility. 

So I actually was what could be deemed as a generally angry person when it comes to ‘life’ in general, which I would then experience as ‘being fed up’ with the world, being against everyone, believing the only thing I could do to ‘make things better’ was criticizing the world system and individuals that I believed were ‘dishonest’ and ‘corrupt’ and sort of like the ‘scum of the Earth’ when it comes to political figures or just about any person that held any form of influential position in my reality. So within this all. In my ignorance then, I believed that I was ‘dignifying’ myself by ‘not falling for the crap in this world’ and that I was holding some kind of self-respect by pointing out the flaws I could count on everything and everyone else – but myself, of course. See, the biggest realization I had to face within this process is that of seeing how in apparently ‘spiting the world,’ I was in fact  spiting myself only, as I am the only one that would constantly create and harbor such anger, criticism, antagonism, the sense of being wronged, limited and enslaved ‘by others’ and having been oppressed for a long time, which at the time I simply saw it as part of ‘my generation,’ never realizing it is actually the nature of who we have become  in fact as human beings throughout time: always blaming others for how we feel, how we live and never ever look within oneself to consider: Ah, yes, it was always me that was creating this experience within me and so projecting it all as ‘my reality’ and actually creating this world and reality based on how I think, feel and perceive myself and everything/everyone in this world, which I never really realized: it’s myself.

 

 ‘But I do nothing wrong! I’m a good person! I wish good for the world! I fight for good causes! I AM a good human being, I am Not the problem, look at what everyone else does! THEY are the problem!’ This exemplifies the kind of stance that I would hold myself in, being on my ‘high horse’ of being an ethical and principled human being that never dared to question whether my pointing fingers at others as ‘those to blame’ was in fact in any way supportive for this world and this reality to change. Of course it wasn’t, and it never will.

 

The principle of self-responsibility implies what I’d like to call the Golden Rule of ‘Taking it Back to Self,’  which is a continuous point of reference that I direct myself to consider whenever I am seeing something in my reality that I would like to blame others for.

 

 

Example:  Today the city was chaotic when it comes to traffic.  There were several protests because of some anti-pollution system that is now asking people that have older car models to not circulate during Saturdays. Of course the people that own old cars and trucks complained the most since they are the ones that need to use the car as a matter of necessity for their work. Say you have to deliver fresh meat, vegetables to your business and travel from the central distributor to run your own business on a daily basis  and because you earn very little money and barely ‘make it’ you cannot afford to buy a new truck, so you have a +15 year old truck and now government rule says: you can’t drive on Saturdays – and you can’t even ask your neighbors or else as they are most likely also in similar situation. Well, what do people resort to: protesting on the streets, and so this is what happened. It’s interesting how for the moment I only focused on how I was being affected by it, then how others were being affected by the traffic and then judging the protest as ‘useless’ – only then was I able to realize that I didn’t know the cause of the protest so I then realized I had to inform myself about it.

What did I do? Well,  I had to walk a lot to get around, and initially I did let out some F words only to realize I was just playing the ‘angry person that has no context of why things are happening that way.’ So as I researched and placed myself in the shoes of others, I understood their discontent however it is also a paradox since the kilometers of cars that were on ‘stand by’ on the streets today most likely created more pollution than the old-model trucks that won’t circulate on Saturdays. Well, paradox is our last name on this Earth too. So instead of me getting angry at the government, getting angry at the protestors, getting angry at the packed train and ‘angry at the world’ for being so un-common sensical, I simply walked the situation ensuring I kept myself breathing, focusing instead on the actual walking, the routes and breathing, not getting disgusted with the car fumes which is another point to work with when walking past lines and lines of cars and trucks in stand by in what seemed like perpetual traffic. I actually placed myself in the shoes of the people stagnant in their cars and pondered how desperate they must be, not being able to even ‘turn around’ and leave the chaos, it was everywhere, which was again just a projection of how I have experienced myself in the past in such traffic jams inside a bus or car.

 What to do in such cases? Sit down and cry, yell? Scream? Curse at the government and environmental department for such measures? No, I instead understood the consequences we have created overall and how I could do nothing else but not participate in any form of reaction toward the situation. Instead I used the opportunity to strike a conversation with another person about the situation and realizing how others are less apprehensive than myself, so, I simply did what I had to do and got home safely. So, from an entire point that I could have turned into just another excuse to ‘blame the government’ or ‘blame the people’ or ‘hate the world’ I took responsibility for stopping my own reactions, seeing the ‘bigger picture’ and formulating plan B’s for transportation as a short-term solution and plan of action. In the long run and as a world-system solution, I support, plan and contribute the creation of a world-system where each one of us can be self-responsible and always consider what is best for all, so that these pollution measures are not a consequence of interests in running 20th century technology for over 60 years causing the environmental problems we have today, while technology could have been made available for everyone to run cars on other means other than petrol and so, prevent this kind of ‘bans’ and limiting people’s mobility. This is common sense and common sense is what must reign in our world: it begins within us, seeing, scheming and focusing on the solutions rather than complaining about the problems and the causes thereof.

 

What does Self-Responsibility in this example imply? It is about realizing that whatever I point out in another as a form of judgment or blame for how I experience and making them the ‘culprits’ of ‘my suffering’ is just the finest way to evade taking responsibility for what I experience, for what I generate in my mind and physical body that I then project onto others as if ‘my mind/my thoughts/my experience’ could change the situation – be it emotions, feelings, internal conversations, beliefs, assumptions – oh yes assumptions – still working on that for sure. So, in this case I rather made the best of the situation by ‘enjoying’ the walking and the challenges to create the best route for walking in a safe environment/more crowded and aiming at fulfilling the timeframe I had in order to arrive on time to my responsibilities. And that’s it; I made it and even enjoyed the bit chit-chat with another person while crammed in the train which is a seemingly ‘unimportant’ thing but it can create a sense of realization that we are all in this, we can discuss it and instead of complaining rather understanding it. Was I able to stop my own experiences successfully? I can say I did, even if in the beginning as I was walking past the protestors I could see myself being with an angry face and giving some f words to the air only to quickly realize my little tantrum and so eased the point after a minute and instead I directed my focus and attention on the actual walking I required to do to get to my destination – and so I did.

 

 

 

What I explained is one example where probably being in the same situation in the past I would use these moments as an excuse to rehash my anger at government, system, etc. and this is in fact one of the most prominent points of blame and anger that I’ve existed as toward ‘others’ which is in essence the opposite of taking self-responsibility for myself.  My specialty when it comes to blame and pointing fingers: The elite of this world and specifically catholic church.  I saw them all as ‘THE Culprits’ and the ones to blame for everything that is wrong in this world, even if was less aware of how the system really operates back then, I called it irrational anger which implies I don’t know all the reasons why, but now I see that acting in the mind is irrational: it creates only a sense of ‘righteousness’ without providing any solutions = it’s all a mind job.

I used to spend many hours criticizing the system in chats with friends and believing that I had the write to damn another with words and thoughts and believing that we had the answer to it all, that only ‘my way’ of seeing things was the right one. It becomes even another way to socialize, to create a sentiment of ‘union’ with others when we calumniate about others in positions of power, judging the corruption and ultimately getting nothing sorted out or ‘done’ but only getting angry and laughing it out as if our political assessments and dissent about ‘those in power’ would place us in a more ‘powerful’ position, the ability to bash another in one’s mind as a form of ‘spell’ that could ‘make them pay’ for what we believed was being done onto us and never really pondering ‘well, how am I participating in all of this?’ And this also comes with the excuse of ‘I was born into this’ or ‘I didn’t choose to into this world, my parents did’ or some other responsibility-dodging ‘memes’ that I can even point out from popular songs.

 

All of this was debunked when I came to realize the design of this reality and how the ‘bad guys’ were nothing else and nothing more than also a part of self, self as the whole, as the totality that exists here that is myself too, and that even if there was a god/creator or designer/architect, even if there are elites and bloodlines that had taken care of implementing the essential forms of control, guess what? They are also parts of myself that had been designed and taken such positions to perpetuate and install such forms of control which in turn have been accepted and allowed by each one of ourselves too. In other words: we were/are and have been all equally enslaved by the roles we have played all along throughout our ‘history’ or existence, fooled by the illusion of separation, of having ‘nothing to do’ with all the ‘evil’ in this world and believing myself to not be corrupted by the same mentality I judged those in power to have – but what I never really did was placing myself in their shoes, living their exact same life, their education/indoctrination, their own set-up to believe themselves to have such ability to have power and use it for their own benefit,  maybe even tricked by others within the idea of it being for a good cause too. Who knows? I can now say that whenever I actually place myself in the position of a person born in a golden crib and being essentially trained/educated to perform some kind of managerial/leadership task in this world to create more wealth or perpetuate some bloodline position, I can see how I would have probably done the exact same decisions we see many people ‘in power’ do, as I would then be completely enclosed into that mentality, unable to see beyond my own perception of ‘my task/duty’ in the world or using some ‘ability’ to get the most if such ability and high-end reality was everything I would have ever known ‘reality’ to be. 

Why haven’t we then realized the principle of considering one’s own responsibility? Because this would actually cease the problems, the friction and conflict within ourselves and within this world, which would expose the world-system we’ve created as our image and likeness of ‘divide and conquer’ where we fight within ourselves, apparently ‘fight against the world’ and so creating the concrete jungles we live in where ‘everyone and everything is wrong but myself.’

We coexist in a reality wherein we have all become very personally identified with the roles that we play, we have come to believe ourselves to be our professions, our money, our ownerships, our relationships, our appearance, our qualities and skills and everything that we have defined as ‘who I am’ which in a way it is as the potentials and points to align within self – but at a greater scale, we are only playing our ‘role’ in the play, wherein I’ve realized that what we have to stop from here on is precisely getting lost in the game, getting lost in character and forgetting the greater picture we’re walking here.  There’s so many petty and trivial things we start fighting each other for, blaming, pointing fingers, backchatting, cursing at and essentially always seeing another as ‘the problem’ for MY will /wellbeing to be fulfilled. And this is where we bit the apple and so now face the consequences.

 

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Why? The apple is the knowledge and information, the code of consciousness that we have integrated as ‘who we are’ – which is what we define as our egos: what we like, dislike, judge, blame, love, believe on, feel threatened by/fear, reject, accept, etc. All of this is based on the personalities we become. So what happens is that in this world and reality we are all born into various positions that certainly entail no ‘equality’ when it comes to the role in the play/game we are in. We have created this reality in the image and likeness of our own friction and conflict in the mind: we constantly believe we have to justify ourselves, to defend ourselves, to win the game, to trump others, to spite back, to fear, to secure something, etc. And this is in turn what we believe is caused ‘by others’ or ‘by the world’ within self, when in fact all that matters here is realizing that: we do this to ourselves, we cause these experiences within us and as such it is NOT about ‘them,’ it is about what I accept and allow to exist within myself.

 

A point I’ve worked with another person that also walks this process is taking self-responsibility for one’s reactions even when having faced a point of direct physical abuse. To learn how to take self-responsibility and to SELF-Forgive the creation of blame, resentment, holding a grudge toward another that is perceived as the ‘wrong doer’ entails an actual understanding of what led to such point of abuse, how do we all collectively create such point of abuse, how not to take personally the point of abuse and how to actually focus on self-forgiving the experiencing within self toward another and so realizing that the most harm done toward self is the recreation of blame, spite, resentment toward ‘the other’ as such experiences are always created within self, and self’s body and mind are the ones that actually end up being more affected throughout time than the actual point of abuse itself. This is then a clear example how Self-Responsibility goes hand in hand with Self-Forgiveness, because there is a realization of What I have done to MYSELF based on what I believed was a way to regain some sense of honor or respect, by spiting/being disgusted at/blaming/being angry at others that created a point of abuse ‘toward me’ – but in fact, once one starts exploring ‘abuse’ in itself, we can only come to the conclusion that all abuse is always self-abuse and that one cannot really ‘get away with murder’ in this existence, it might seem like it temporarily – but no one is at the moment ‘absolved’ from having to go through a Life Review wherein in this world or after death we get to face all points that we had left behind and that we believed we didn’t have to face again. Well, nothing really ‘washes away’ in this reality and that’s where Accountability exists along with Self-Responsibility.

 

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So once that I realize that everything I have experienced is My creation only, and that the ‘way of the world’ is nothing else but OUR ways in which we haven’t learned how to create a world that’s best for all, blaming, calling others names, getting angry at others, seeing myself as the ‘right’ one or any other delusion is then realized As the delusion, the actual point of irresponsibility that I play out just to ignore and deliberately abdicate my responsibility which is toward myself first and foremost so that I can then also see what I create in my world based on my own experiences. I am one point stopping, but what would happen if we all collectively understood this point, got out of the ‘angry/blameful character’ and start taking self-responsibility for what goes on within and without of ourselves?

 

I was talking to another today and it’s cool to get to see these points while walking this process as well, where a huge point of self-responsibility resides in the words we speak and understanding the ‘nature’ of the word that we speak and what we make of our reality with/through them. Being self-responsible implies realizing that whatever I  do/think/say creates a consequence, and so I ensure that I am able to Respond to such consequences, that I can effectively direct myself and others within such outflows and consequences as ‘they’ are in fact myself. So it is about self-direction where within common sense I stop creating the illusion of separation, the illusion of ‘others’ and start realizing that as I direct myself in consideration of what I act/do or don’t do in consideration of what is best for all as the principle that I live by as life in equality, being one and equal in fact, then I in fact start taking responsibility for myself and my creation/my reality as myself which includes others.

 

Sounds like a big task, but it isn’t when we begin with ourselves and so doing it to the point where the ways in which we recognize ‘the world system works’ are in fact patterns that exist within each one of us at a mind level, as our ‘ego’ that becomes them some kind of concept, idea, or system we enslave/limit each other with. This is how we cannot only say that ‘it is THEM’ doing it to ME’ because: it takes two to tango. The puppeteer cannot exist without the one that poses as puppet.

 

 

 

Many times I saw myself damning people, specifically people in power, people at heads of church or even some priests at my school. I wanted to blame them for perpetuating the lies, the corruption, the scams, the degradation of life to a profitable scheme where good ‘neutral’ images could sell education and promote ‘the word of god’ while doing the exact opposite to any of the principles ‘they’ were supposed to have vowed to. Well, if anything: aren’t we all doing the same thing? Aren’t we all living these lives where we all try and put our nicest image and idea of ourselves to hide everything that we know in fact exists as a threat to everyone’s well-being?  In my case I for sure spent a great amount of time polishing an image, an idea of myself, how I was going to achieve my aims which were all mostly based on personal power such as getting into some kind of ‘mainstream’ position that I would so openly criticized, but be able to position myself on the ‘left’ side of it, being the famous and popular opposition so that I could also make quite a big buck by writing and theorizing about dialectics, revolutions and how awfully wrong everything was in this world, seeking ‘justice’ through punishing those ‘at the top’ or any other form of diversion from Self-Responsibility, which is what’s broadly promoted in this world as ‘activism’ or ‘political commentator’ etc. An example: what has Assange, Snowden or some Russell Brand have done to promote self-responsibility? Anyone? Anything? No, hence I don’t buy any of the ‘roles’ they suppose in the system and even if they were ‘for real,’ I still get no life changing realization from what they revealed or say or are paid to say to perpetuate the idea of change through ‘revolutions’ and so forth. Well, this is an example of why Self-Responsibility isn’t being promoted on your TV as ‘Revolution,’ and this is why I consider it of utmost importance to stop seeking for culprits, to stop seeing ‘the elite’ as the problem, to stop seeking any form of revenge but instead, to start focusing on what I can do/ what I can direct, where and how can I stop the same patterns from reoccurring within myself.

 

Well I was on my way to become that, always complaining, always blaming, always getting angry, frustrated only to then seek to get ‘lost’ for a while so that I would not have to think further about why everything seemed so wrong in this world. Well, I missed the point all along: myself. I was the one perpetuating this internal war. Let’s look at it this way:  was I ever in fact talking to these people I blamed for ‘all the bad things in the world’ to actually dis-cuss the points I saw in them? No. Was I ever in fact looking at the structural problem, investigating the root and the cause of it and seeing how we are all co-participants in it? No. Was I ever genuinely intending to become part of the system then to be a participant that would direct things with common sense and self-responsibility from within the system? No, I did the opposite in fact until I also got sick and tired of being bitter and angry at the world. By my inherent desire to find some other ‘answer to life’ I discovered Desteni and started my process of Taking Self Responsibility, and I must say that this point of seeing myself as the point that has created such inner war was a hard one for me to grasp, just because of how much I had defined myself according to my own victimization, my own so-called ‘oppression’ and being ‘wronged’ by others –  but at the same time, it became the most humbling as well which I continue to be grateful for so that I can as I did today realize my ‘tantrum’ and ‘b-lameful character’ I become when blaming others for ‘things going wrong.’

 

Another example: when I think of ‘people in power’ I see nothing else but players within the same game I have also been an equal participant in. I don’t ‘feel’ hatred or anger as I used to and I probably have taken for granted such a change within me. I still have to work on myself on remaining stable and self-responsible when witnessing some kind of physical abuse in front of me or in my environment – and in this realizing that there is abuse going on in this world every single second and that if I was aware of it in fact as what’s going on within self, then I would never cease to be angry or about to explode for each point of abuse. I’ve realized my emotions do Nothing to solve the problem, but only perpetuate it. An example, I have walked a process of self-forgiveness about hatred to the church because I harbored so much hatred that it became something irrational, something I would just recreate even by passing by every church and till this day it is  something to still remind myself it’s just bricks and stones and not to judge the people in it or the priests at the top: we have all co-created this so I take responsibility for myself and ensure I do not perpetuate the separation through reacting emotionally about something or someone.  

I could not get the image of the inquisition instruments of torture out of my head for a long time and I could not fathom how such evil could exist within humans, and how ‘evil’ they must have been to do that to another human being… little did I know about the actuality of our nature, which has never been something nice or benevolent and how this is in fact not something I like to repeat to myself to ‘punish me’ or ‘blame me’ – not at all, it is about an understanding, it is about a ‘greater truth’ as the evidence of what is here that has enabled me to make sense of everything that I saw as the utmost horror and evil in this world, it allowed me to face myself, the nature of self. Till this day, hearing about the most atrocious forms of torture, imprisonment, abuse and decay is a test for me to not blame, to not go into anger, to remind myself that this Is the abuse that I am also a part of by virtue of being in this world and that by me creating an emotion about it, I am in fact not supporting anyone or anything to realize our responsibility within it all, to understand how we’ve come to create the results we have today in our reality and to be able to forgive ourselves for we didn’t know what the hell we were doing to ourselves/each other/self all along.

Another aspect that I support myself with is realizing that I would have probably done the exact same thing that ‘the most evil people’ in the world have done if I had been born in their shoes, lived their lives, walked their education or the lack thereof, the abuses onto them and so realize that the evil in this world is nothing else but the result of a multi-generational process of abuse toward each other, in absolute separation and ignoring the fact that any abuse imposed onto another: is abuse imposed onto self.

 

 

This is how when investigating and understanding more about the reality we live in, and whenever I see myself wanting to go into victimization, it is a point to remind myself that there I am wanting to throw my hands up in the air and believe I am powerless to do anything. Those are the moments to really not allow myself to even create one further thought of judgment toward others based on what I believe/know or assume they have done wrong or any ‘evil’ doing, and wanting to blame them for the state of affairs in this world. In fact I feel nothing these days toward ‘them’ but mostly it  all comes back as the realization of all the work that we must get done if we want to in fact be genuinely experience the potential that we are as life, which has been constantly obliterated every time that we only sought our personal glory, power and benefit.

 

So this point of self-responsibility in the form of the golden rule as Taking it all Back to Self is one of the most useful reminders in my process. With it I prevent myself from seeing others as the cause of ANY experience within myself, no matter how much I can see them as the culprits, the wrong doers, the evil ones etc.: by virtue of existing in this same planet, by virtue of being a human being, by virtue of me being able to point out what’s wrong = I am an equal participant and as such, I have to stop creating further experiences toward ‘them,’ I have to stop expecting others to change so that I can change, I have to stop believing that ‘they are doing this to me’ –  I stop myself from going into blame or holding a grudge against others, harboring hatred or plain rejection toward others as I see and realize that those emotions and experiences are only my own and I am not doing anything in fact to solve the problem and situation by getting angry.

 

Have I fully changed this at a personal level? Not to the absolute. I still get mad at times when I perceive people are being abusive, irresponsible or careless , mostly in my environment, things I can see around me which is then also according to what I am aware of. In this I commit myself to be diligently self-aware to ensure I do not allow myself to justify my reactions toward something/someone and instead ensure that I take absolute self-responsibility for myself, prevent my own reactions as I see and realize that any experience I create toward another is in fact anger toward myself for what I am accepting and allowing to exist within/as me, and that these emotions will get me nowhere, so I rather focus on being able to live here, in the physical stability of myself as breath and instead become an actual living example of what it means to live self-responsibility in this world, our creation and reality.  

 

5.       Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realizing only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

 

 

To learn more about Self-Responsibility and the golden rule of ‘Taking it All Back to Self’

 

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  • 402. Who am I within Abuse?

    I’ve been looking at the word abuse for quite some time now and how we are so used on ‘calling out abuse’ but never really understanding the process as SELF-abuse at all times.

    Why do I keep coming back to this topic/word or aspect of ourselves? It seems to be a point within me that I’ve explored only through reading books, using images to depict the consequences that I believe/believed we deserve for abusing ourselves, each other and the planet and how the most shocking revelations within my life came to be within the realization of every single point of abuse being in fact my own expression as well – how? through the understanding of the mind-mechanics, the processes that take place in my mind toward myself, my physical body every time that I participate in thinking, becoming emotional and essentially as we know the usual functioning of our body which also requires energy to exist. The sheer relationship of Energy and how it is created implies a process of friction in order to be created. You can imagine the creation of fire by rubbing to sticks which is essentially creating friction so that the sparks can ignite the dry wood into fire. This is a rather elementary explanation, but this is to understand how it is that the creation of energy in itself is not a self-supportive process – once you burn the twigs or wood, you consume it, it transforms into ashes. Well, the same happens with ourselves and our bodies with all the energy we create every time we participate in the mind through emotions/feelings or thoughts that are also charged with an experience in them. Essentially we create our internal ‘oil spills’ in our body, even when one can get angry for calling out abuse so, this is how it is rather necessary to understand this process of SELF-Abuse before even being willing to ‘call out on abuse’

     

    Facing the Evil of OUrselves

     

     

    Energy is also the motive, the driving force in our outside world and we’ve even created a structure, a belief system to represent it, it is the monetary system that we’ve used to essentially control and define power, and as such we have enslaved us through making it only available to those that work hard for it – apparently – or those that can give themselves the right to print it by their divine hand. Is that abuse? Well yes first of all because we’re using trees to create such ‘money’ but also because it is meant to precisely limit the access to our living resources. It is thus why we are so bound to it, we live in constant fear of survival and that’s for sure another way of abusing each other through this structural violence we have created as our current world system where either you work and/or cheat or die.

    Isn’t that the sheer definition of abuse? Yes, it is and we collectively participate in this religion, where we have collectively decided that ‘some’ must have all the control over it, while the rest live a life of misery, struggle and suffering to get that paper that some can simply print or put in as numbers in a bank account…. Yes, you as I can breathe after saying/reading this as one can see the level of abuse that is accepted and allowed yet legitimized as ‘how things operate’ apparently, with no ‘change’ being made possible.

     

    Now, what I’ve found throughout this process to be a challenge is to not create separation towards those that I’ve defined as abusive, even though one can find out and see the evidence of such abuse and can even witness with one’s own eyes – ‘they’ the ‘abusers’ are also myself. This is a humbling experience, maybe one that initially I would not want to fully embrace as it’s become such an ingrained thing to just ‘point fingers at another’ and blame them for what they’ve done, to be disgusted at ‘them’ but there is really no ‘them’ here – ‘they’ are also myself, yet at the same time each one will be individually accountable for what each one has accepted and allowed and how such point of abuse affected the totality of what is here.The shame, the guilt, the regret, the damnation upon myself and everyone else that stemmed from that moment I’ve rather turned it into a test for my stability, an opening, an awareness to get to know of and investigate any other form of abuse that I had previously neglected as part of myself as well.

     

    We do it to ourselves

     

    Seems we haven’t gotten sufficient consequences already in our world and reality because we haven’t changed much even with major threats of even our own extermination if we continue to live in these abusive ways.

    So far, investigating the abuse, the evil, the abject of our reality is rather  of empowering too as a point where we no longer fear ourselves, our real nature but instead can – for a lack of a better expression – embrace it, understand it and within such understanding, finally be able to self-forgive it, finally be able to let go of any reaction that may emerge when taking a look at our ‘dark side’ which we’ve only feared looking at without realizing that that’s where the actual ‘truth’ of ourselves resides in, and not a truth to remain as it is and simply ‘embrace it’ as a form of acceptance – no, not at all, but as a necessary realization that will and is causing unbearable shocks and pain in this world. Maybe it is necessary to have this shock be profound or else, we will forget it all over again as we’ve done generation after generation, coming into this world and fitting ourselves into the vilest forms of coexistence while painting it with flowers and seeing it as ‘normal’ just because that is what we see and hear all around us as the way to survive, ‘the way things are’ and have believed we’ll ‘always be,’ which I am here to ensure it does not remain as such ‘status quo.’

     

    Whenever I witness something that is shocking, something that I have considered to be too cruel, too vile, too sad to be truth as part of our ‘human nature,’ I tend to see it as a separate expression from myself, as if it was only ‘someone else’s twisted deeds, without realizing that it is actually part of who and what we have become as the very nature of ourselves being that of evil, as the reverse of life. Now, I understand this might sound rather pessimistic to our usual deep desires to not have to face the side of ourselves that we tend to occult/hide with positivity and ‘good thoughts’ –  but it isn’t pessimistic at all, it’s who we are and have become –  one only has to look at the actual nature of one’s thoughts to understand then the ‘nature of the system’ and our ‘human nature’ that we’ve justified and excused for far too long.

    abuse
    1    use to bad effect or for a bad purpose.
    2    treat with cruelty or violence. Ø assault sexually.
    3    address in an insulting and offensive way.

    1    the improper use of something.
    2    cruel and violent treatment. Ø sexual assault.
    3    insulting and offensive language.

     

    I could define abuse as plain evil, the reverse of life, as in acting in a way that one can understand is not honoring and respecting something or someone, doing deliberate harm in order to get some form of personal gain – this is the nature that exists within each other’s mind and we haven’t yet been fully able to admit it and take responsibility for it. The sole ability to live the word abuse in our very own thinking patterns, behaviors and relationships with one another certainly creates the general atmosphere that we all breathe in and out of, it’s what we create as our reality of disregard, self-interest, greed, wanting more, wanting to abuse another to have some more, be better and superior than, be the king of it all, do the least effort, being the winner, the master, the god…

     

    God won't save the queen now

     

     

    Can I imagine a world without abuse?

    It’s hard to conceive because we haven’t ever actually ‘lived’ without abusing, and that makes us ponder how much of ourselves would change if we had such ‘human abusive nature’ be transformed into the principle and consideration of what is best for all. However before jumping into such ‘utopia’ that it may appear to be, I’d rather keep disclosing what I’ve realized when watching certain movies or series where abuse is rather notorious.

     

    When watching bits of The Act of Killing for a second time, I realized that what I was witnessing is in fact what has existed as our sole human nature since the beginning of our time and that Anwar – the main ‘character’ of the documentary – is in fact each one of us. We can’t remember our several lifetimes we’ve been here before, doing the same, repeating the same mistakes, committing the same abuse and then coming back and believing we have never done anything wrong and believing that there can be actual innocent individuals within this, whereas I can only conceive why we are here on Earth as a result of us being the ones that have actually abused for eons on time and are here to learn a very tough lesson: to face ourselves, our nature, our – probably – irremediable consequences up until the last drop of water dries up.

     

    In my experience, I could see before how any form of abuse outraged me, however I thought myself to be a pristine righteous good and ‘noble’ individual until I started deconstructing myself and was able to see my own ‘evil’ as the reverse of life and how my ‘good intentions’ were tainted with self interest all over. If anything, I am interested in getting to know more about all the ‘dark side’ of our human psyche that we’ve hid from one another as that is where the actual crème of our human nature resides in. This means being able to confront that which I many times simply deliberately avoided looking at or getting to know of.

     

    My first attendance to a protest was in 2006 where our governor was accused of being a pederast upon a recording that made national or maybe even international news and so, we the ‘indignados’ marched around the city hall asking him to quit – which he never did and I can only remember how even if I was already old enough to understand what being a pederast means, I could still not fathom why could that be something ‘attractive’ or exciting to an adult. Another point is the feminicide, the Muertas de Juárez, the ladies that were kidnapped/disappeared, killed and dropped around in the city like disposable objects after being used for rather unusual purposes. I once was at a conference wherein the reality of the nature of these killings was explained and I was shocked to the core of how authorities seemed to be implicated in these crimes and that’s why no one dared to speak up – that’s the first time I realized that I had been truly living a lie when it comes to ‘authorities’ and it was closer than I thought. There were mentions of satanic rituals and sadist masochism evidence on the women’s bodies,  which has now become part of our ‘pop culture’ with books like 50 shades of gray and completely mellowing the actual core of the abuse to transform it into an ‘exciting’ new way to spark up your sex life. Well, who has heard about the muertas of Juarez being part of these ritual abuses based on the evidence on the girls’ corpses? Not many, we fear being quieted down by authorities, and so we keep quiet. And within this: would blowing the whistle on this change the entire crime networks that exist around the world related to pedophiles, pornography, snuff films, satanic rituals and secret societies? Becoming aware of something is a starting point, but in the end the actual change to prevent it will have to exist at an individual level taking responsibility for such abuses. If anything we are becoming more aware of what is possible in our world and it’s also fascinating to see that this is hitting ‘mainstream’ with series like True Detective.

    My perspective of why we are so drawn and fascinated by the ‘occult’ which means that which is hidden or obscured from seeing the broad daylight is because we actually fear looking at it, and so the experience of fear is what we turn into some form of attraction which then becomes part of our morbidity to all deviances and rather ‘morbid fascinations’ as I call them, in which we also try to ‘push the boundaries’ of what is socially acceptable which is sometimes done in an attempt to ‘break the spell’ of the usual happy-go-lucky mentality that is peddled around in order to sell, buy, consume, repeat and be ignorantly happy.

     

    I’m still a bit intrigued as to how a show like True Detective made it into mainstream. It apparently ends in a ‘good way’ but it only scratches the dirt of a nail of the actual problem. It does, however, make more evident what is already part of our mainstream without being fully aware of it, such as the symbolism, the ‘lifestyles’ that we have come to see as ‘part of our culture’ and no longer any form of ‘conspiracy theory,’ but it is instead a way to make evident the decay of our human nature – maybe we have to hit the rock bottom so that once we get to be aware of and understand the vilest forms of existence that we’ve become, we can start pondering how the hell we allowed ourselves to go down the spiral without awareness of the actual consequences which are measurable in, for example,  kids today learning that being bad is rather cool, isn’t it? Being vile is the new trend, being a rebel, opposing the laws and ‘doing as you will’ which is the ultimate statement of disregard of the principle that in fact governs us all: oneness and equality, which is at the moment rather far from us waking up to realize the kind of crimes we’ve been committing against life on a daily basis, every single time we are not even aware of how we are actually and literally one and equal, part of the whole.

     

    Girl Interrupted by Ultra Violence

     

    In our minds we have concocted our inner most twisted fantasies that we have defended as ‘our own will’ whereas in the absolute realm of the whole there is no such thing as individual will, but only the creation of personal delusions in the name of excitement, of the illusion of power, of control, of rejoicing in believing one has some form of ‘control’ or can ‘possess’ something or someone.

    I also see the necessity to unveil even the most scary, cruel, filthy, shaming stories of what we have become as human beings in order to look beyond our threshold o fears and understand what it is that happens when we allow our minds to run rampant and ‘get away with murder’ in a literal manner.

    As I was mentioning, witnessing our real human nature even in fiction stories implies there’s part of us being depicted of course, as it is created in another human’s mind – so, nothing is really ‘detached’ from ourselves and as such even when we ‘thank god’ that ‘I am NOT THAT criminal, that abuser, that person in power committing heinous crimes against life’ – let’s ‘think’ again and rather realize it is ourselves doing it all along, we just like to pretend we are not, so that we can feel ‘less bad’ about ourselves. But as long as we hold on to an idea of perfection and looking at all the marvelous things we can be and become Without investigating the actuality, the real nature, the nitty gritty and not so pretty nature that exists within ourselves: nothing will in fact genuinely change.

    I see the unveiling, the ‘apocalypse’ as the process we are going through right now, more and more evident and  ‘seeping through the cracks’ in our daily lives as it is now everywhere: in mass media, music, our behaviors, trends, habits everything that is being pushed as part of a larger agenda that is equally lost in its aim, not realizing that any person in a current perceived ‘position of power’ is none other than part of the chess game that was laid out long before even the notion of the ‘elites’ on Earth existed. This is our masterpiece, the world-system on this Earth, the end result of our wildest fantasies, dreams and fascinations and one can only look at how we are genuinely trashing ourselves, the world and our very own bodies every time that we give into the hypnotic state of  wanting to ‘feel good,’ wanting to ‘feel happy’ and ignore reality, a reality that I am certain if I could hear it in fact would be screaming in agony and pondering why the hell we are so bubbled-up that we cannot actually SEE every single form of abuse that we create within and without ourselves as our very own nature and in turn how nature itself operates as a reflection of such mechanism of abuse too, our own conditioning.

    In this, I can only point out the role of the ‘younger’ detectives in True Detective –the ones that were interrogating Rustin Cohle -as the ones that try to mislead from getting to know the most vile nature of our reality, trying to make of ritualistic abuse and other forms of human nastiness as some kind of ‘sick joke’ or a thing for ‘conspiracy theorists and loonies,’ however, it is about time this is known so that the major well-kept masks in this world can fall, but not only those of the people in ‘greater powers’ and institutions, but of ourselves, to finally be able to confront and accept the fact that the ‘abusers’ are not ‘out there’ but inside of us, each one of us and so be able to integrate some humbleness to understand how it is that we have pointed fingers outside of ourselves and created ‘fiction’ stories to be able to swallow the truth in a less ‘offensive’ or ‘embarrassing’ way, because we are still too scared to realize our responsibility for it all.

     

    God Bless the Child

     

    It can also start by pondering when we get excited upon witnessing violence – which does happen/still exist – such as people that like to witness bulls being bullied/harassed/abused and killed in what is called the ‘fiesta brava’ or bullfights. The same with how in pedophile circles the participants rejoice seeing a baby or a kid being sexually abused. The same with the ‘excitement’ that sexual abuse creates in the abuser, or killing/murdering others, or setting off a bomb… this is what exists today and yes it is mostly linked to the idea of ‘power’ and having some well concocted reasons to justify it. I mean, how more blind do we have to be to not see and realize this?

    So, this is not something to be feared or denied about ourselves as human beings, it is about understanding that even the most vile and atrocious nature of ourselves exists as a potential within each one of us, the same way that the most common sensical and benevolent potential exists within each one of us too and so, being rather willing to face our True Nature to begin self-forgiving it and redirecting it and so be self-directive within our minds, our ‘human nature’ as to stop all forms of self-abuse – which is to be understood and realized as the abuse upon myself or others, all equally affected.

     

     

    Self Forgiveness:

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgust, anger and also sadness when getting to know the extent of abuse that we can impose onto another that we haven’t recognized as ourselves and so doing so within the ignorance of who we all are as equals and how any point of abuse upon ‘another’ is in fact toward oneself.

    I realize that my reactions to abuse create further abuse and as such, I have to be able to witness, get to know and realize the abuse we have created without giving into powerlessness, sadness, anger or even wanting to blame others for such abuse as reactions won’t ever solve the problem. I only can solve the problem first by stopping my own emotional experience, and then seeing who am I and where am I existing in relation to that problem myself.

    I commit myself to then see what it would take for me to contribute to stopping such abuse and if it is ‘outside of my hands’ at the moment, I then focus on rather informing myself, becoming aware of how we have created such problem/point of abuse as well as supporting others to become aware of it so that through creating this awareness, we can altogether look at solutions that we can all implement – for example – through politics which implies the power of many joining toward the same outcome as one person alone cannot be ‘the one point of change’ only but it is through joining forces that we can certainly stand up and correct any point of abuse within ourselves first and then without.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience disbelief when it comes to realizing what I’ve become as a human being, the extent of disregard, neglect, harm, abuse, the additive search for power and control even if it goes against the majority of the living beings in this world.

    I realize instead that this is the very mechanism in which we have come to exist and function as individuals and as such, there is no way to escape the reality and the facts, and wishing that things could be different because even if things could suddenly seem ‘better,’ I would still have to see if such ‘change’ is in fact self-change or just a new positive façade so as to not worry about the actual source and core of the problem which is always existent within ourselves, as the very nature of who we have become as our own minds, as the separation of self.

     

    I commit myself to be able to see things that happen in my world without creating an experience about it, without becoming emotional about it as that’s where I see one loses ground and becomes part of the problem – therefore I direct myself to understand the situation, the cause, the problem and investigate within myself how I have contributed to this, how I am equally responsible and as such simply commit myself to do my part to stop such point of abuse even at the thought level.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see abuse in separation of myself, as if it was only some ‘powerful ones’ imposing it toward us/everyone else, instead of realizing myself as them as well doing all of that harm and abuse and existing as a fellow human being which I would have also hated back in an attempt to deny who I am in relation to them too, which is being also them, being one and equal to ‘them’ who I have defined as ‘being evil/bad/wrong’ in separation of myself as a denial of what exists here as myself.

    I realize that denying or judging or reacting to a point of information, to someone else’s actions and words will do nothing for me to create a substantial change but that real change implies I stop, I ensure I do not react to this so that I am able to look at this point in full presence and stability so as to see the ‘full picture’ that’s entailed in any point of abuse for example, to see the ‘greater picture’ to not get fixated on a particular set of beings/people/actions but understand abuse from the greater context as who we are and have become generally.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within realizing this wanting to become defensive and distrustful toward others and go back to existing in the ‘fear toward the evil of humanity’ as some ingrained pattern I had walked through before. I realize that this is just me in my mind wanting to jump on to another ‘mindset’ as a false sense of security which doesn’t make sense at all.

     

    Therefore I see and realize that I have to remain as breath, to be physically present and  not get caught up in memories and reactions or experiences but ensure I am seeing the point through the eyes of the physical, which means the eyes of understanding and so realizing that the chain massacre of abuse will be stopped from the moment that I decide to no longer acknowledge abuse as a point to react to in an emotional way as that would be like being separate to that which I am creating an experience of, because in recognizing everything as myself then creating an experience is like having schizophrenia really, reacting toward myself. So,

    I commit myself to live the realization of being present as breath while witnessing something that I have defined as abuse, seeing information that relates to abusing ourselves which in such case I mean, If I was fully aware of everything that goes in this reality, I would constantly be crying or angry as everything that is here is existent as this point of abuse and so, it’s rather obvious that we cannot go on like this, we have to be able to rather focus on understanding to be able to prevent the problem from its root cause.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as desensitized when not reacting any longer to the various stories and mechanisms of abuse, as if I had been ‘cured’ of creating any form of freight or disgust at the same time, but I do have to be very wary of this point so as to not be repressing my experiences and not really seeing who I am in relation to the information that I come to know of, the images, the proofs and how everything fits to the outcomes of an ‘evil plot’ in which we exist as and of which we understand its sole purpose of which was to be enslaved and generate energy for someone that we accepted and allowed to upgrade into the level of a god. This is then the consequential outflow of having had no regard toward each other as equals, of having abdicated my responsibility to it all and creating polarities where winners and losers can exist, where elites and populace can exist, where money can dictate who gets abused and in which ways as well as the ‘power’ that perpetuates such inequality, such as ‘privileges’ and ‘benefits’ that are only existent for a few while the majority gets nothing but, we also have to transcend that me vs. them mentality here if we want to truly focus on change, so

    I commit myself to focus on change within and as myself and no longer contrast it or compare it toward those that ‘have nothing’ or those that ‘have all the power’ but see myself as an equal participant within this all which means, no longer seeing through the eyes of the mind but acknowledging my part and so live my part that I am responsible for such as my words, thoughts, actions.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that everything was ‘fine’ in this world wherein I lived in a rather narrow view and rather brainwashed perspective of our history, the stories of our origin and believing that we were meant to be and do good, without realizing that it’s actually the exact opposite what we’ve done all along and that it is only through being able to let go of this idea of goodness or benevolence and ‘evil’ at the same time that I can see facts/actions/words for what they are and imply without judgment, without segregation or creating an experience toward them.

    I commit myself to focus on rather seeing HOW we came to create such point of abuse and considering it within all the points that I realize I have to take care of when it comes to aligning my life within and as the principle of considering all parts equally as myself and doing my part as well in this life which begins by taking responsibility for myself, my actions and ensuring I consider what is best for all in what I think, do and speak

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have that inherent tendency to want to have ‘nothing to do’ with abuse and not wanting to recognize myself as part of that abuse because I have judged it as wrong along with an experience that implies that ‘I am right.’

    I realize that abuse is collectively accepted and allowed, as well as understanding that abuse has become the very way we live and act, and as such rather become aware of this necessary starting point to begin questioning everything that we have also deemed we were doing for the sake of being ‘benevolent’ or ‘doing good’ as I’ve also seen throughout this process that these are the most deceptive points where the actual ‘evil’ or the actual point of harm or abuse is hidden behind a positive façade so as to justify it and excuse it.

     

    I commit myself to ‘embrace’ this ‘evil’ as myself not from the point of accepting and allowing it or giving continuation to it, but as a way to no longer react to it as it is in fact myself I would be reacting to, and instead focus on what I can direct within myself which is beginning with my own mind, my own life and so my participation in this world system being based on externalizing those points of self responsibility, accountability, no harm and no abuse upon others which is the principle of doing onto others as I would like to be done onto myself.

    I realize as well that even the very food/water/animals/air that I breathe I’ve come to abuse as well, so within this I have to also be willing to face the abuse that goes on at even a microscopic level within the very mechanisms of how I digest my food or how I have to use water every single day and so not react to it but understand how we came to be enslaved in essence to our own abuse.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes hold on to this point of acknowledging abuse as a way to also prevent me from seeing ‘how things could be if this abuse is stopped’ which I have defined as being rather ‘hard’ to imagine everyone being self-responsible and acting in the best interest of everyone, but I realize that this is the kind of pessimism I have also become so used to existing as. So

    I commit myself to allow myself to realize that I cannot imagine something that I haven’t been able to live by and prove for myself, so I don’t need to imagine as much as I need to focus on myself, on being that example and that point of stopping abuse within myself and so stand as it and as a pillar of support for anyone else that also decides to become a 1+ living proof and example of what it means to live in a self-supportive and considerate manner within the principle of what is best for all as equals.

     

    Supportive Material:

     

    1.  Reptilians – The Key to Life Through Evil (Part 1) – Part 111

    2. Reptilians – The Key to Life Through Evil (Part 2) – Part 112

    5. Deer Human

     

    Investigate who we are as a group of people committed to take responsibility and prevent further abuse in this world:

     

     

     

     


    389. Are Emotions Necessary to Be Creative?

    Demystifying artistic endeavors and the experience during creative processes.

    Continuing from:

     

    Dejar de Sentir 04

    For further context, an emotion is a usually negative experience that in my case I would use as a reason, starting point and ‘catalyst’ to create art. Now, one would believe that ‘negative experiences’ are usually undesirable, however in my case they became similar to how a person would want to hold on to happiness because of enjoying the experience of it. This is how I became a person that was more used to being within emotions rather than feelings – and the reason why being because I linked my experience as a response to me seeing the world around me and making ‘no sense of it,’ and as such having wanted to ‘escape’ it through my experience and my hobby, among other relationships and habits that were intertwined as a way to define ‘me’ as an emotional person that is too sensitive to the state of the world in which I would get to ‘feel good’ in such emotional states – therefore the context of this is to realize that an emotional experience even if it’s negative it is no different to being living through mostly feelings and ‘positive experiences’ as both are energy-based experiences that exist at a mind level.

     

    Self Forgiveness on Emo-creations:

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘expression’ based on artistic creation and thus limit the word expression to be immediately linked to ‘creating artworks’ or producing a formal piece of art mostly through drawing and painting wherein I would define expressing as experiencing an emotion or feeling within me and producing something while experiencing such feeling or emotion, sometimes of anger, sometimes of gloom and doom – most of the times – sometimes a yearning, hope, hopelessness and some other times just imagining what it would be to live in a perfect world, sadness – all of these I had defined as ‘my expression’ because at that time I had linked the ‘who I am’ entirely intertwined with emotions. This I now realize is not who I really am as those are emotions and feelings that I created a relationship with based on how I would experience myself within them, and thus how I accepted them as ‘who I am’ and eventually believing that ‘this is My expression’ which means an experience that is generated while creating an artwork.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe at that time that my expression was ‘unique’ and that means that my constant ‘mood’ or ‘state of being’ as any of these emotions were my catalyst to express myself/to create – therefore that is how the moment that I stopped being hopeless, angry, sad or moody I stopped ‘expressing myself’ as in creating any artwork, just because of how much I had linked the two points in relation to my emotional experience. Therefore

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my creative abilities and skills based on ‘how I would feel’ and as such determining and defining that I could only ‘express myself’ if I was feeling in a particular ‘mood’ and thus dooming myself to only ‘feel creative’ based on an emotional experience, without realizing that a creative process has nothing to do with an emotional experience as it is a physical act of arranging certain elements to create something physical, to develop certain skills and that has nothing to do with an emotion directing my hand or my use of materials to do something.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the expression of ‘I’m feeling creative’ to an experience, an emotion such as sadness, hopelessness, anger or general state of doom and gloom that I would then get excited about in order to ‘let it all out’ in a painting or drawing or writing sometimes as well, which I see is all linked to how I would hear/read about other artists like painters or musicians or writers how they would feel a certain way when they would create at their best, and so believing within myself in a way that because I was stopping my emotional participation and feeling experiences, then I wasn’t going to be able to create ‘good stuff’ any longer – which is then limiting my creation to emotions and feelings and it shouldn’t be so.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘want to turn back time’ in order to change my decisions in life, which is rather not possible and it indicates that I haven’t dealt with the fact that I chose something based on my emotional experience about it and as such I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to choose and make decisions in my life based on how I felt about it, based on my emotional experience and pursuing further emotional involvement in my life, without then knowing or even realizing how this was going to only lead me to continue being in a certain state of mind and ‘mood’ wherein I would have not been able to be stable as I am now since I had linked – back then – the creative process to emotions, a continued state of doom and gloom and be glorified by it – which is something that I saw was ‘special’ about people like Frida Kahlo for example who became a background influence and how I saw suffering as the key for her to make real art, as well as that whole blog I wrote about ‘You’ll need to suffer to make any real art’ as I realize that it’s about time that we as humanity move from linking emotions and feelings to creations that can become a supportive tool to realize ourselves, instead of glorifying emotions and feelings and keep us all trapped in the same mindset of being a ‘tormented sensitive individual in this evil world’ which is how I would see myself back then.

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel creative’ when I was frustrated and angry for me not being ‘creating anything’ and as such the last time that I painted for a day or so, I was experiencing mostly emotions that I tried to once again ‘let out’ through the creative process which is rather like a mindfuck really because I realize that painting is a physical act of having materials that one use to arrange and imprint and mold and shape things in order to be arranged as a final product/ a final something that I create. So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was incapable of creating anything ‘good’ without experiencing emotions such as sadness or being depressed and so linking my own stability to ‘not having anything to express’ or even ‘not being able to express now because I am not feeling that same way.’

    I realize that it is about then dissociating any creative process from ‘how I feel’ or the ‘emotions’ I once believed I had to experience in order for me to ‘feel creative’ and realize that being creative is not a feeling, but a doing, a physical act of arranging certain matters and elements or images that I then use to create something that either generates a specific visual product or creative writing etc – anything that can be used to provide a message, to ‘say something’ through images or words or sounds or it all together. This is how then I see that my creative expression is linked to the media, the tools, the elements I can use to generate an expression, a message and that these are all conscious decisions and physical actions/moves to generate it and that I do not require an emotion to do it.

    When and as I see myself believing that ‘I need to ‘feel creative’ as in being in a certain mood to create’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am limiting myself to experiencing emotions and not ‘any’ emotion but very specific ones in order to link it to ‘feeling creative’ which is not acceptable as I’ve already seen, realized and understood that ‘creating’ is a physical act, an intellectual process of picking elements and arranging them in order to produce a physical/digital product that I use to ‘express’ something, without this ‘expression’ meaning an emotion or a feeling only – but sometimes it is for the sheer aesthetics of it, sometimes in order to provide my own version of something I see in the world and this thus means stopping seeing ‘art’ as this emotional-creative process and creation as that is rather limiting once that I realize that I am here, I am a physical being and don’t really require emotions to exist and create.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘something is missing’ while creating something and seeing it as ‘pointless’ because I had mostly defined the process of creation as ‘having to generate an experience within me’ and if this was not in place, then It was ‘useless’ – so this is obviously me as the mind speaking and defining what ‘gives it a kick’ as an experience, an emotion while creating something or afterward when seeing the ‘final product’ instead of realizing that anything we create is a physical thing and I do not require to ‘feel’ something while looking at it, while doing it or being creating something – as this would only be ‘feeding the mind’ that seeks an energetic experience out of it. So this implies that expression is just that, me extending myself to use what I have available to say something, to do something, to arrange something in a way that I decide it to be and with a particular purpose – and this is then only doing that, creating something.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the definition of something being ‘pointless’ as in not getting an experience out of it in relation to the process of creating something or the final product thereof, based on how I would deem myself as ‘having a point’ or ‘having a reason’ to create when early on I would have people observing ‘my creations’ and writing about it or leaving comments or even poems to which I defined that ‘It meant something, I had a point’ and so when all of this stopped essentially because I stopped wanting to feed this ego of mine, then because I knew I wasn’t going to get the ‘energy fix’ out of it, then it became ‘pointless’ without realizing that this is once again the polarity creation of me first getting an energetic-kick out of ‘my creations’ and then when I stopped generating this emotions and experiences around it, then I saw it as ‘pointless’ – it’s only the mind speaking.

    When and as I see myself having the starting point of ‘creating something’ based on the expectations of feedback, comments or others ‘admiring it’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that anything I create is a process that I conduct out of my own volition, for my own support and to ‘straighten my ideas’ instead of expecting others to like it or praise it or comment on it, as this is already a conditional point to my expression based on ‘how others receive it’ which is usually how the ego that I formed in relation to ‘being an artist’ operates: doing things that would make me feel something while doing them, and also confirm such ‘specialness’ through the feedback I’d get from others. In this believing that without such ‘experience’ then it would be similar to rather doing nothing as ‘I would get nothing out of it’ lol, which is just ‘not getting and not participating’ in the ego-kick I had defined art to do ‘for me.’

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of ‘being creative’ to ‘being an artist’ and as such believing that ‘I am no longer creative because I am no longer emotional’ without realizing that this ‘linkage’ was created within the ‘who I was’ in the past and now I realize that being creative is simply having the ability to use what is here in order to ‘make’ something, to do something that can be supportive to convey a message, to be a supportive tool to illustrate something or sometimes just to make it for ‘the sake of it’ – however I understand that there is now the aspect of self-responsibility in everything that I create either at a mental or physical level and as such, I realize that doing something for the sake of ‘feeling’ something is not viable and not supportive – therefore I allow myself to see the word ‘creative’ or ‘being creative’ as what it means: doing something, making something from ‘scratch’ meaning using the elements that we have available in a particular order or arrangement to make something ‘new’ out of it – even if we cannot really create something ‘out of nothing’ as we always use what is here anyways.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘because of Process I stopped creating’ when in fact it was me through my limited definition of ‘being creative only when I’m emotional’ that I then saw that it was ‘not possible’ for me to create while being ‘stopping participation in emotions and feelings’ and also because of linking ‘creating’ and ‘being an artist’ to already pursuing an experience of ‘being more than/ being special/ being unique/ having to build up this unique presentation of myself’ which are all stereotypes I’ve picked up throughout the years based on how I carefully planned myself, my ego/personality adding up bits and bits that would shape me into becoming the ‘special’ individual I wanted myself to be back then. Therefore when realizing the starting point of my decision to study art, to ‘be creative’ and to follow through with it all into a career, I stopped wanting to have anything to do with it based on my own self-dishonesty as the starting point to it. Hence the ‘hate’ experience toward it that emerged was based on me having to let go of that which I had first given a lot of value, time, effort to create – and so it was like having to deconstruct that which I had invested a lot of time, effort, money on and so believe that now that I have to deconstruct the ‘ego’ of myself that I’ve created as an artist, I cannot now dedicate myself to this as it would be dishonest’ without realizing that such statement is rather limiting as well, and nothing else but holding the same relationship of friction and conflict with it, instead of establishing an equality toward this profession and treat it like any other profession, instead of wanting to ‘scratch it out’ of my life almost – yet at the same time liking and enjoying even watching/looking at the stuff that I did before.

    Therefore I realize that in order to align myself to this profession it is to precisely not look at it within the eyes and mind-frame of the ‘who I was’ as that is certainly not here as myself as the decision of who I want to be and become any longer, and it would be rather difficult for me to pretend to ‘feel’ the same way I used to – but this doesn’t mean that I don’t have now the ability to create/be creative and use any material, tool or media to do create something that can be useful to convey a message. I realize that most of my limitation to ‘create’ comes from re-enacting the overall cycle of regretting my decisions, regretting my choice of career and using this to stop me or preventing me from doing anything ‘creative’ or create something, which doesn’t make sense as it is only me in my mind preventing me from doing something based on the definitions I’ve charged to even the moment of preparing myself to pain or create something, believing that I should be ‘feeling’ in a certain mood, while I realize now that it doesn’t have to be that way at all now.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind as the ‘who I was’ apply the usual extremism of ‘If I won’t get my emotional fix from it, then I want nothing to do with it’ which is kind of like a tantrum kind of experience or even self-spitefulness when realizing that I cannot continue ‘feeding’ my obsessions so to speak, and creating this ‘special aura’ around myself as ‘the artist’ or any emotional experience and as such, there’s also that layer of not being able to now use art to ‘generate these things for me, therefore I dump it’ and so going into the polarity aspect of denigrating it, seeing it as useless/pointless based on the definitions I had created about it. I realize that in doing this I do nothing but reactivate the grudge or regret or any other experience I had held toward ‘art’ or my career or anything related to ‘artists’ themselves, instead of seeing them and the profession in itself as a any other occupation in this world that one can use and become it in order to direct a new way to live it, to participate in society, to create and innovate ways in which change at an individual level can be conducted.

    In this case I realize that de-mystifying the artistic-personality as a highly emotional individual is quite overrated and I realize that it was my ideas, beliefs and perceptions that shaped this definition within me and that an artist itself should not be other than a human being that can use creative processes at a physical and intellectual level in order to provide his/her own view of the world in order to convey a message, or express something that can be received by others as a way of communication.

    I commit myself to be able to use any media, elements and skills that I realize can be used to generate a product or ‘something’ that I can use to convey a message, no different to writing and no different to being painting or drawing or creating images, as we can communicate in many ways as human beings, using different tools and methods to it – therefore I use what is here without defining it any longer within the constrains of  my old definition of art, but redefine art as a human creation that is conveying a message, is saying something and that’s it. It doesn’t have to me more or less than that which is equal to everything and everyone else that is here as life.

     

    I commit myself to not link words like ‘expression’ or ‘creativity’ to only exist within the past-mindframe of ‘artistic expression’ but to identify them within the physical context that they imply which is me deciding to use certain elements and tools to make something, arrange something in order to give it a purpose, a meaning, and an intent within it.

     

    I realize how these experiences stem from the relationship I formed toward art, meaning a relationship of separation wherein I would ‘get something out of it’ for my own mind-benefit and this is how when stopping that benefit – no different to stopping any other relationship with an individual – it is like the ‘shortage’ of experience makes me believe that it is ‘its fault’ or that I should now avoid and have to do nothing with the source of ‘temptation’ so to speak, without realizing that this is how we create our dramas as humans beings with these love-hate experiences based on how we would believe ourselves to ‘benefit’ from something, without understanding the actual relationship of separation formed in the first place.

    So this is how through equalizing myself to myself, my ability to do/create/direct and make things is my own decision, my own ability and there’s nothing ‘more’ to it other than what it is as any other point that I create, arrange or direct as they are all also creative processes as well – no more and no less.

     

     

    Trees are black

    Suggest watching the following Desteni I Process Google Hangouts:

     

    To learn more about the mind and how you can use your creative skills constructively to support yourself and others, visit:


    384. Word Wars: Agreeing to Disagree

     

    Today I’ve got to understand another reason why we have failed as humanity to  establish supportive communication and relationships because, within us completely embodying our mind, we’ve become our own military to defend our beliefs, thoughts, perspectives and when we get into a situation wherein we conclude that ‘we can’t agree’ with others, there’s usually the right(eous) off the bat expression of ‘well, we then have to agree to disagree’ which is a rather pusillanimous way of ‘ending a conversation’ where conflict is avoided or where one has gone ‘too far’ within emotionally reacting to a disagreement in a conversation with one or more people, and that’s where we then stop the conversation, ending up with a ‘bad taste’ which is usually remaining in an emotional reaction about the argument and seeing others as ‘being wrong’ or even sometimes taking another’s words as deliberate attacks or blaming them for the kind of statements that they’ve expressed, that leads us to further judge them and see others as ‘the problem’ only.

     

    In my case, I’ve noticed a tendency that exists when I communicate with others and If I see that this person or people directly oppose what I speak of as what I’ve realized is common sense, or best for all, I start judging them for ‘opposing what to me is common sense.’

    For example, a situation I was in wherein I was discussing with other individuals a child being bitten by another child and how that situation can be directed. These individuals pointed out that they had taught the child to close the fist and hit/attack back as a point of self-defense. So in essence is teaching kids how to ‘hit back’ when they are hit or bullied, as if that was the solution to the problem, which I then got to understand it was actually a pattern themselves had gone through in their lives and so had taught their own children to do the same, wherein the mentality is: well my son/daughter is all that matters, doesn’t matter if the other kid (the attacker) is hurt.

    I then begun explaining why this idea of hitting back and continuing the violence between children and children-parent relationships is never the solution as the cause and core of the problem is not being understood or addressed. So, these individuals were rather shocked I was saying that, completely denying and refuting what I was saying, coming up with arguments such as ‘we are bred through violence, violence is everywhere so how can you expect the world to change?’ ‘How can the child allow him/herself to be hit and not respond back? It’s only Natural to fight back! Look at history!’ as well as the ultimate ‘we won’t ever change’ and so, Marlen’s red flags went on and I noticed a bit exaltation coming through as I spoke the words on how this kind of thinking patterns and beliefs are precisely what has perpetuated our violent behavior, our spite, our retaliation, our lack of skills to communicate and instead only learn to ‘defend ourselves’ which is an euphemism to say ‘fight back’ because that’s all we believe we are capable of – and because of the rather close relationship with these individuals, I left it to the point where I ensure I made it clear why I do NOT support violence and physical abuse/hitting/spanking or even ‘biting back’ between kids when one of them is first attacked. And the situation overall in the reunion changed so we didn’t give continuation to the discussion which also included why because violence is everywhere, even in videogames and children play them, then violence won’t ever go away.

     

    Now, there are Multiple points to this and I will be walking them through because it’s not only my reaction to seeing how other human beings can still think that violence is the solution – disregarding the evidence in this world where no problems are solved through violence and only further separation or personal gain ensues – but also how I tend to not take other people’s process/mind into consideration. And so this will lead me to disclose how to live the word Flexibility as it’s been something I see I haven’t lived, wherein I become quite rigid and militant-like with what I see is common sense, what I’ve walked through and come to a conclusion is best for all. See, even if it is best for all to stop the patterns and cycles of abuse of enabling physical abuse as a way to ‘teach lessons’ or ‘get back at another,’ the fact that I make it a problem in my mind because ‘people are not agreeing with me’ has to do with myself and how I still believe that ‘It’s impossible people can think such barbarian behavior is a solution!’ and within this, I sweep aside my own reaction, turning it into a ‘righteous act’ wherein I justify my behavior because ‘they are wrong!’ without taking in consideration at all how other people have lived decades on within a particular mindset that they have carried out and even “educated” their own children with, involving the retaliation and vengeance thinking and behavioral patterns of ‘If I’m attacked, I attack back,’ without ever looking at the origin of the problem and further solutions, because in the mind: we’ve never actually learned how to establish solutions.

     

    Another example is how some people believe that ‘spanking children to behave is ok’ – and me reacting to once again the ‘barbaric belief!’ without  placing myself in the shoes of others and realizing that  it’s all people have ever learned when it comes to disciplining children, it’s all that has been done onto them and as such me pretending to change their mind in a 5 minute explanation  is no different to me coming to a hardcore religious person letting him/her know that god doesn’t exist and to stop believing in it.

     

    So we’ve lived our history within the ‘Might Makes Right’ statement and we’ve  become such belief to the extent that we see no other way out but exerting and imposing power, applying vengeance because we have become our minds, our patterns, our history, the sins of the fathers that were also people that were not able to ‘think outside the box’ into solutions but only use the brute force to establish solutions – so, how can I ‘blame’ a few individuals for simply mirroring our entire history back in that moment where violence is seen as the only way out?

     

    Is it then a solution to want to change a person’s entire mind, context, personal experience, genetics, history in 5 minutes in order to convince them why violence is not the way? Or is this something that requires to be walked point by point in order to come to the realization that it’s about time that we stop believing ‘we can’t change’ and instead share my own process of how one Can in fact change and walk them through how this is able to be done, while being flexible, patient and in full consideration of their minds, their process and context? Well, of course the latter is the way to follow through with this. So here I walk the process to recognize the problem and get to the solutions.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry when certain individuals contradicted myself when it comes to the principles I stand for of not participating back with violent behavior or promoting abuse in children as self-defense, wherein I reacted with the judgment of ‘I cannot believe that they are saying this, how stupid can they be?’ in my mind, without realizing that in this, I was actually already expecting them to be able to agree with me, with the principle and common sense I communicated to them and that I stand for – without taking into consideration that at the moment none of these principles are being lived in this world – and as such, I have not taken them into consideration, understanding them as the starting point of their perspective, their entire process, their life, their mind, their personal experiences, their own education as children, as parents that they also are and as such being able to see their statements  as nothing else but their mind speaking, the who they are and who we all have become as our mind – therefore

     

    I realize that I took their mind, their statements, their beliefs personal because I believed in the first place that ‘they would see things differently’ without realizing that it’s actually rare that people get acquainted with any form of principles, values, common sense and considerations that are taking others into the equation as what is best for all, because as humanity we’ve always only lived through the principle of ‘what’s best for me, how can I protect me and fuck the rest’ and as such, I now see, realize and understand that their statements came from that survival mode that is actually quite prominent in our minds as humanity, and as such it is for me to rather realize that me reacting to their words is furthering the problem instead of being a stable observer that can look beyond the veil of emotions and rather see how such conversation was me facing ‘the system’ as it exist, and how vehemently the ‘who we have become as the mind’ protect and defend one’s point of view which is why I got into a reaction instead of absolutely stopping myself and immediately bringing through the consideration, the flexibility when it comes to taking others’ processes and minds into consideration and into the equation of the situation.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to later on complain about the statements these individuals had made when commenting about this with other individuals, without realizing that in such act I was continuing to blame them, to judge them as ‘ignorant’ for the kind of statements they were defending and the type of attitudes they want to still promote with other human beings –  In this I see that through only judging and getting angry at what others speak of, attack, or the beliefs that any individual can be supporting, I am not entirely seeing the opportunity that exists in order for me to first of all not take it personally and secondly, see why the reaction to this comes as the anger that I created myself upon layered judgment wherein I’ve seen ‘others’ as the problem for us to be able to change, blaming ‘humanity’ instead of taking the point back to myself. So, I see that this is an actual layer of the system that we’ve become and instead of ‘not wanting to talk more with them,’ and getting exalted about it, I can take the opportunity to slow down and direct the situation in a mutually beneficial manner, or course without wanting to convince them otherwise and now having them ‘agree with me,’ but simply being able to communicate what I see, my perspectives and so have a normal conversation of the pros and the cons wherein I don’t immediately try and impose what I see is common sense.

     

    When and as I see myself getting angry, upset,  feeling certain pressure in my head/chest region as I hear another speaking words that go entirely against the principles I stand for as the end to all forms of violence – I stop and I breathe – I realize that by reacting and wanting to ‘stop talking to them’ and leave the scene, I’m only shutting down yet another opportunity for me to first of all not take it personally, not go into reaction and then be able to immediately take into consideration their mind, their process, their upbringing, the amount of time they’ve lived with such mentality and as such, be able to integrate within me a more gentle way to live flexibility and humbleness as the ability to be open and considerate of another’s mind and process, and be able to hear/listen to what others have to say, make questions to understand their beliefs further and as such, while breathing and ensuring I am and remain stable, rather share from my personal perspective and practical realizations why I don’t agree, why I don’t support any form of violence and most importantly why I see this as actually detrimental to children’s education. Then I can proceed to share how I’ve proven to myself that it IS possible to change as a human being, to establish new principles that can prevent ourselves going further down the downward spiral when it comes to lacking education, principles, values that are virtually non existent in our society nowadays.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take people’s words personally when I perceive they are directly denying, attacking or simply ignoring the principles I am speaking about, what I am communicating of, and more so when they speak over my own words  as I see that I’ve defined this as ‘attack’ without realizing that I have to take into consideration their particular ways of expression which I already know are also quite frank, direct, without ‘holding back’ which is why when I also embodied such directness along with the reaction of getting angry about what they were saying, I tensed up because we were speaking over our words, without realizing that obviously this won’t ever lead to actual communication, but only a desire to defend our views and perspectives on the subject, which is how we as human beings usually end up in fights or in the covertly ‘tolerant’ saying of ‘We agree to disagree’ which I have valued as the easiest way to avoid confrontation and remaining at a certain ‘peace’ that comes as the result of a temporary ‘war of minds.’

     

    I realize that there’s no point for me to mirror another’s experience and expression in an exalted manner when they are conveying points that I can directly understand deny or oppose what I’m saying, and within this not taking it personally as in ‘they are deliberately attacking me’ because it’s actually their mind, their process, their beliefs that is up to them to further investigate their expressions and reactions. Otherwise by giving into the reactions, I become exactly what I am judging: the one that perpetuates the war of words and the war of minds leading nowhere.

     

    I realize that my stance and staring point within all of this is to remain stable – and simply speak/convey about the principles I stand for, how I apply myself and the reasons why I do this and how I see it is an excuse to believe that ‘we can’t change’ as human beings, because this has been the easiest way out of actually placing the effort and discipline that we all require as human beings in order to be able to change mind patterns, behaviors, belief systems, roles, etc. that we’ve nurtured and acquired ‘by default’ from birth, without a question throughout our entire history on whether this ‘mind’ could ever be stopped, changed or corrected to benefit us all in our lives – and yes, we can.

     

    I realize that it will take quite a long time for an individual to even come to the realization that for example, there are other ways to prevent violence or attacks between children beginning with the education that parents, society and the media can provide in order to begin phasing out this idea that we can only resort to violence, physical abuse and attacking back when one is attacked, without first understanding the origin and starting point of the attack, which is not an ‘out of the blue’ situation, but has a context that can be investigated and further taken into consideration for solutions, to then expose how we’ve come to believe violence to be ‘the way out’ because we have never worked with the principle of prevention, preventing the problems in the first place instead of furthering complicated ways to ‘deal with the problem.’

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever take it personal that people might not agree with what I’m saying – because I believe I stand for what’s best for all and within this, I have created the equation that ‘if you oppose what I say, then you stand for what is not best for everyone and as such: you are part of the problem,’ without realizing that in shifting responsibility to others as ‘the problem,’ I have not allowed myself to see why I have taken it personal, instead of considering each individual’s mind, process, context, life experiences that will still have to be walked by each one of us, individually, in order to align ourselves to principles where no longer our mind, our ego, our lives can override the principles we can stand for and live by as human beings.

     

    When and as I see myself taking another’s words personal as ‘attacks,’ as ‘opposition,’ as ‘competition,’ as ‘deliberate defamation’ toward myself and the principles I stand with and as, I stop myself within that surge of anger that can be rising up from the solar plexus, I stabilize myself within breathe until I see that I am motion-less inside, stable and then apply the living word flexibility, wherein I take such individual/s mind, process, life experience, age, context, culture, upbringing, and every other aspect that I realize I require to also see as the origin and starting point of another’s words as those words come from the mind, from such programming, environment, culture, life experience and in essence the ‘nature’ of humanity that we’ve perpetuated throughout our entire history – and as such also prevent myself from always wanting people to end up agreeing with me, as this is something I cannot control nor is my duty to do either. I can only share myself as an example of the principles I share and live by.

     

    I commit myself to live the word flexibility when being discussing certain points wherein I see that there’s no general ‘agreement’ of others toward what I say, to not take it personally and instead rather integrate the understanding of where those words, beliefs, perspectives are coming from as ‘who we have become as the mind’ as ‘the system’ and not just see ‘the person/the people’ that are speaking such statements as the ones to blame or be angry at, as emotions divert us from seeing the point within its full context, and  instead

    I commit myself to also see, realize and understand how we as human beings have become the embodiment of the mind, the system, the preprogramming that has been consequential and detrimental to each one of us that have blindly accepted the mind as ‘who we are’ without seeing the obvious consequences of us still fighting wars and ‘agreeing to disagree’ because we haven’t been able to physically be here and look at things directly to consider what is best for all, but we’ve instead sold our own freedom to become egos in our minds where we ‘fight each other back’ and that simply doesn’t make sense, so I commit myself to stop judging others’ perspectives, thoughts and beliefs and rather take the context into consideration and rather learn from the situation than victimizing myself about it.

     

    I commit myself to instead of getting angry or blaming another for ‘the kind of thoughts, beliefs’ they have, to instead remain humble as in considerate about another’s life process and mind, and simply state what I stand for and how I am available to discuss this further if they are interested in getting to know more about how I got to these conclusions, perspectives and principles that they are initially opposing – as we all know that’s a trait of the mind to defend itself at all cost– so instead, I practice ways to not be defensive, but remain open, tranquil in my communication toward others so that I don’t become part of the war-mentality or the aggression principle in order to ‘defend my point of view at all cost’ as that recreates the divide and conquer war mentality.

     

    I commit myself to breathe through any immediate surge of energy that might be emerging as I see, hear or read someone contradicting the principles I stand for, and instead remain as breath to continue reading, investigating or asking questions as to gather further context to their mind, their beliefs and perspectives – I realize that we can use this further to get to know about our patterns, our old-age behavior, our embedded traits and beliefs systems so that we can pattern-them out, map them out and further support us by developing material or sharing perspectives as to how one can support oneself to stop living within such patterns after having a particular education, environment, culture, life experience, even points of abuse that are so common  and why it is most beneficial for everyone to stop participation in such patterns and rather decide to change to integrate living principles that are beneficial for everyone equally – this once again, as a voluntary process where we agree to discuss and walk through solutions.

    If another is not open for solutions then I let it go. If I am not open to another’s perspective I have to investigate what am I holding onto and where am I not being flexible to consider other’s perspectives and input too.

     

    I commit myself to be the point that stops furthering the ‘taking it personal’ pattern we’ve lived as humanity, and instead live and become the example of what it is to be able to observe the patterns that come through us in and as the mind in order to understand us better as the mind and as such, be able to walk the solutions and further ways in which we can begin changing the way that we hear and comprehend each other’s words and can use our relationships as points of support to learn more about ourselves, our minds and see the practical ways in which we can change the existing patterns of ‘fighting for our right to ‘be right’’ to rather learn how to establish common sense which is simply practicing how to consider what’s best for all in every thought, word and deed we express as who we are.

     

    I commit myself to take self-responsibility for the words and actions I express toward others, regardless of what they might say or express as this will ensure that I remain stable and stick to principles instead of giving into the mind and losing the opportunity to rather learn from the situation and the patterns developing in the moment for further investigation. 

     

    I commit myself to assist and support myself to be available and willing to assist and support those that want to know more about the principles, the perspectives of how we can change our patterns as humanity, how one can walk the process of implementing such changes at an individual level and as such be a point of support for others the same way that others have been for myself and that have enabled me to see, realize and understand this pattern in our lives as human beings, to walk from ‘fighting’ and ‘opposing’ each other to turning the point into a self-supportive aspect that we would not have been able to see if it hadn’t been opened up through communicating and sharing perspectives, so that’s another point to consider when it comes to realizing the need to share and open up topics that are usually not openly talked about, due to this inherent ‘respect’ for each other’s beliefs, which makes no sense because in the end we are all affected by each other’s beliefs and actions, so it’s best to rather see how we can establish a common ground to prevent further separation and problems and instead focus on establishing solutions within and outside of ourselves.

     

     

     

    What are we doing to ourselves

     

     

    To learn how to stop being only a mind that perpetuates the patterns and sins of the fathers, research:


    232. Being Late Makes you Anxious?

     

    Anxiety can be made into a ‘mental disorder’ that you then can be prescribed to take some drugs to ‘alleviate’ it according to what psychiatrists can asses in their attempt to only feed drugs to get some money – which is what I am here to suggest you stop opting for and consider that there is a way in which one can support oneself to actively physically participate in tracing back the points wherein one has generated the most anxiety and as such, walk through a process to take Self Responsibility for the anxiety experience.

    Here I share my own within a simple event: fearing being late

     

    Continuing from:

     

    Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements on the Event that would  instigate quite a lot of anxiety to go out from my house with other people.

    (from the previous entry) Event: going out with my parents and sisters and getting ready to leave. My father is waiting for us at the entrance hall looking up the stairs to wait for everyone to come. Women getting ready to leave /fixing hair, clothes, makeup or anything else normal to do when going out, there’s noises of hair dryers, heels, lots of shuffling around and talking. I am near my father and ready to leave  – because I had discussed and realized through an entire mind construct how I was more ‘in tune’ with my father in order to oppose my mother and in a way also being more ‘responsible’ apparently for being ready when the time was here.

    Fear Dimension:  Father getting angry for everyone not being on time

    -Being like ‘any other woman’

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of people getting angry for not being on time in arranged meetings/schedules and within this, generate anxiety to get to a certain place on time while rushing in the physical trying to ‘make it on time’ which is mostly wanting to remain within the personality of ‘being punctual/ on time’ as a positive aspect/ characteristic within me  – wherein if I don’t get to satisfy this characteristic, I go into a negative experience as anxiety and rushing.

     

    When and as I see myself rushing to get to a certain place/ meeting ‘on time’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I can instead measure in advance the amount of time I will require to be there on time without having to rush and also, if there are any events/ circumstances that are out of my reach to change that cause me to get late somewhere, I realize that I live in a world wherein one is subject to many situations coming up, and as such, I assist and support myself to Breathe through it and continue directing myself to get to the place I had agreed to be at.

    Within this, it is to stop any form of fear of losing my ‘reputation’ as being always on time/ punctual and all the self-worth aligned with that as a positive trait. Instead I simply see that arranging a time to meet people/ get somewhere is a practical considerations in our physical reality and getting there – bit earlier or later – is eventually all that matters.

     

    ‘being like any other woman’

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to always be ‘on time’ when going out to avoid being seen like ‘any other woman/ just another woman’ wherein women tend to take more time to get out of the house, which is only a belief based on what I lived within my life experience, without realizing that within this self definition of Not wanting to be like women, I copied what the only male at home would do which is rushing to get out as soon as possible and be always ‘on time’ wherein I then sought to be special/ unique in terms of being a woman and acting like a male – or the male example I had as a reference-  for the purpose of gaining a point of specialness at the eyes of another person.

     

    When and as I see myself wanting to do something or not do something based on what a  woman would usually do or not do, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is only fueling my self definition to be praised by the opposite sex as unique/ special/ unlike any other woman. Thus, I direct myself to simply take the necessary time I require to go out of the house, measure my times in order to get somewhere ‘on time’ as a simple agreement and stop comparing who I am in relation to what others do or don’t do. I ensure I do everything I require to do before leaving the house such as checking water taps, gas keys closed, windows, getting money and the necessary stuff, which I do while breathing and not rushing as I see and realize that there is no need to rush when getting out of the house, I direct myself breath by breath, being aware of the physical.

     

    I realize that every time that I have forgotten something at home, has been a result of me not measuring my times and then ending up rushing and missing out to do certain things, taking certain objects/ papers or whatever I require. Thus I stop any form of anxiety formed in relation to ‘going out’ as the constant corrective application of that rush that I had imprinted as a child when ‘going out of the house.’

    I commit myself to be here as breath and continue breathing, being aware of my every move done in physical pace when getting ready to go out of the house.

     

    Thought Dimension:  father standing on the entrance hall frowning and being quiet but angry inside

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush when getting out of the house due to the fear imprint I created as a child of someone getting angry for not being on time, in this memory my father being angry which would mean he would remain angry all the way till our destination, which I disliked

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to be ‘on time’ out of fear of being scolded for Not being on time or causing another’s anger, which was something that I would blow out of proportion as in being extremely tense whenever that would happen, because of having to be traveling with the angry people, which wasn’t necessarily pleasant.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be complacent when it comes to being on time, based on my fear of actually ‘causing another’s distress and anger’ without realizing that I am in no way able to cause something to another unless they allow and accept themselves to participate within their own emotions. Thus,

    When and as I see myself fearing causing anger/ stress in another for not being on time, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have to take responsibility for myself, for being there on the agreed time and that whatever others experience, is their own process to take responsibility for what They are accepting and allowing within themselves.

    Obviously in common sense, the best for all point is to be on time so that we are able to direct ourselves in the moment as agreed, which is something that is cool to consider as it facilitates going out with more than one or two people somewhere else.

     

     

    Imagination Dimension:
    – Positive imagination as a
    desire: everyone being always On time as scheduled and going all happy in the car

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush within the desire for everyone to do the same and be absolutely on time which would then cause me a positive experience of ‘happiness’ as well as believing that my father would then be also ‘happy’ which I have linked to my Own happiness and within this making this ‘ideal’ scenario in my mind to obtain through and while I rush in the physical, which means that I am in fact only doing so in order to obtain a positive experience within me, and missing out the physical reality while doing so.

    When and as I see myself expecting a ‘perfect scenario’ within a particular event wherein others would also be absolutely ‘on time’ and as such ‘being happy’ to move faster, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in this there’s a desire to control situations and physical reality in order to satisfy My idea of perfection- thus I assist and support myself to see and realize how it is that I have programmed myself to make of ‘perfection’ a positive experience according to my own standards, instead of actually grounding myself to Earth wherein there are many others involved in such situations wherein a particular outcome is dependent on each one’s participation.

    I realize that I can simply share how things can be smoother/ easier to conduct when we all prepare ourselves to be on time – but, if this can’t be done for any other reason, then I simply breathe through having to wait for others to be ready.

     

    Negative imagination as a fear: Having our ‘going out’ trip absolutely ruined, everyone in a bad mood, not talking and having a ‘hysteric’ father at the wheel.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine my father being angry while going out somewhere / someone getting angry with everyone for not being on time within a particular agreed ‘going out’ situation, and use this fear as a fuel to be ‘on time’ which leads to rushing out of fear – thus

     

    When and as I see myself rushing to get out of the house/ going out somewhere in order to avoid having to deal with angry people during the trip/going out event, I stop and I breathe – I realize this is only my own self-conditioning based on childhood situations. Thus I breathe to direct myself while getting ready to go out and stick to physical reality while waiting for others and while going out without expecting something good or bad to happen – just breathing here.

     

    Backchat:

    – Why can’t they just Be On Time as Scheduled?

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘Why can’t they just be on time as scheduled?’ wherein I deviate my attention to Others and trying to blame them for someone being angry for not being on time, instead of focusing on myself, my responsibility and ability to be there on time and simply focus on breathing when and if having to wait for others.

    When and as I see myself focusing on what others do/ don’t do – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this comparison mechanism is only to feel either ‘good or bad’ about my actions in comparison to others – thus I direct myself to ensure I take responsibility for my actions, my doings and that’s it.

     

    – They had to be women!

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that women will ‘always’ take longer to leave the house while in fact, the gender is just another cliché point in society, as well as realizing that I am trying to separate myself from ‘being a woman’ as a stereotype, which is the point that I avoided throughout my life for all the various reasons I would see women as ineffective or slow or inaccurate – this all based on the male-example I had at home being the opposite of what I created women to be like.

     

    When and as I see myself judging ‘women’ and separating myself from being one due to some trait or action that I have judged as ‘inefficient’/ inaccurate/ slow moving, I stop and I breathe – I focus on myself, my breathing and simply allowing myself to wait without any form of backchat or exasperation about ‘having to wait for others,’ as we live in a physical reality wherein the most we can do is agree to leave at a certain time and give some minutes of tolerance and that’s it.

     

    – I am ready, they are Not

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘I am ready, they are Not,’ which is a self-righteous, superiority type of backchat wherein I want to stand as ‘perfect’ and ‘responsible’ in relation to being on time to go somewhere and getting a positive experience out of thinking what others will say about me being ‘always on time’ only fueling my self definition of being ‘always on time’ as a positive experience that I learned/ acquired from my father.

     

    When and as I see myself creating a positive experience when being ‘on time’ as a prop for my timely-ego, I stop and I breathe – I simply direct myself to be on time – earlier or a bit later doesn’t matter – and simply physically be there as scheduled. I realize there’s no need t compare myself to who gets there first as life is not a race, but a point of being there/ participating which is what matters.

     

    – It’s their fault that my father will now be pissed off, they are the ones to blame

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘it’s their fault that my father will not be pissed off, they are the ones to blame’ wherein I simply acted out many times the ‘responsible character’ to not make my father/ anyone else angry – such as teachers at school – and within this, flair up my own ‘responsible character’ which stemmed actually out of fear of being the cause of someone’s anger –

     

    When and as I see myself doing something out of avoiding to be blamed for possible outcomes that are perceived as ‘negative,’ I stop and I breathe, I realize then that such actions are not self-movement but based upon fear – thus I focus on being here as breath while moving to get to a certain point/ meeting/ agreed timed to leave somewhere, and that anyone creating an experience out of people not being on time is only their own point to walk in self-responsibility, and that there is no one to ‘blame’ in such cases for leaving later – and that instead, certain measures can be taken accordingly.

     

    – I am not like them

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘I am not like them’ which became  a way of being and supporting my ‘specialness’ through opposition toward others at home – in this case the women at home – in order to be in the likes and appreciation of my father because of being ‘like him’ which I considered something that I had to be proud of due to all the positive imprints I have given to my father, without realizing that in this, I created an entire opposition character toward females, my sisters and mother while holding a sense of superiority for ‘not being like them’ apparently, which is only a personality that I cultivated in order to be special/ unique/ superior at the eyes of my father.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create a personality that would be in ‘opposition’ or ‘everything that the other women are not’ in order to be a ‘one of a kind girl’ at the eyes of other people, specially my father and later on in life males toward which I tried to simply not be a ‘cliché’ of what a woman would be like – in this case, taking too long to leave the house wherein even if I would do the same that other women did in terms of ‘getting ready’ to leave, I would rush everything in order to satisfy my own self-religion of ‘not being like other girls/ women.’

    When and as I see myself wanting to be ‘on time’ or being responsible as a positive trait within me that defines ‘who I am’ as my ‘unique/ superior/ special character’ – I stop and I breathe. I realize that any action that I am doing from the starting point of comparing ‘how I do things’ in relation to others – specifically women – I am doing so from the starting point of ego and not really being here as breath directing myself as self-movement.

     

    Thus I commit myself to no matter who I am with or alone, I direct myself as every breath to get things done, wherein I realize that living is not a competition toward women or any other being to remain in a superior position, as that is the inequality that I am participating in my mind. I assist and support myself to simply be self responsible as a common sensical consideration that is lived breath by breath and not fueled by any form of energetic experience.

     

    Reactions:

    – Negative: Mimicking the impatience, exasperation, building up anger as time goes by, becoming nervous and anxious about the possible outcomes

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with extensive nervousness and anxiety when having to get to meeting/ being on time in an agreed meeting wherein I fear not being there on time and as such rushing even more within anxiety, without realizing that this is all just a mind construct of ‘being on time = stress out’ which is not necessary really, if one takes the necessary time to just be on time while moving physically.

     

    When and as I see myself even experiencing the slightest anxiety to rush to get somewhere, even if there is no ‘agreed time’ – which has also happened, I stop and I breathe. I direct myself to my destination/ meeting time being physically aware of my body, myself until I get to the destination/ meeting point.

    – Positive: pride and responsibility, readiness as in being the only one that’s ready.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of pride as a positive experience out of being ‘responsible’ due to being ‘on time’ and ‘ready’ which is just a point that I created according to being complacent to other’s exigencies wherein ‘being on time’ is seen as a positive experience, and within this sacrificing my own physical body due to such ‘responsibility’ being fueled by extensive nervousness, anxiety, rushing sometimes even being less careful with my physical movements just to ‘get there on time,’ which is compromising myself just to satisfy a mind-desire of ‘being responsible’ and ‘ready’ at all times.

    When and as I see myself creating a positive experience when getting on time somewhere as a ‘fulfillment’/ satisfaction, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is stemming from actually living out the release of the compounded negative experience that fueled my desire to be ‘on time’ as rushing, getting anxious and nervous as fear, which then turns into this apparent ‘positive experience’ when satisfying my ‘goal’ to be on time, which is just the opposite pole of the energy, which means it is also self abusive and not at all a self-directive hereness movement.

    I commit myself to be on time within meetings/ situations/ events, and remain here as breath while doing so, waiting for whomever we have to wait for and maybe use the time to speak to someone while doing so in order to focus on my environment and the moment by moment I am here.

     

    Physical dimension:

    Tensing up my upper chest, experiencing nervousness and anxiety in my solar plexus, stifle myself and move as less as possible  while waiting.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a lot of tension in physical body as the result of the amount of anxiety that I would go into when having to ‘be on time’ to go somewhere which is a point I cultivated every single day that I worried to ‘be on time’ to go to school and virtually anywhere else wherein I had to be ‘on time’ – within this

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be/ become tense, stiffen my entire body wherein I would only be in my mind rushing/ thinking of the future moment of being ‘there’ and throughout this, not even looking at how uncomfortable I was within my physical body due to the extent of nervousness and anxiety I would accept and allow within myself as a result of the thoughts of ‘rushing’ and fearing ‘not being on time’ and be seen as ‘irresponsible.’

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘breathing was not enough’ when being too anxious because I believed that I simply had to Breathe, but, never understood that the anxiety was a result of my thinking and so, even if I would breathe, it would still ‘be there’ – the stress and discomfort – because I would keep on participating in my thoughts/experience  – therefore

     

    When and as I see myself generating anxiety and experiencing discomfort while getting ready to go somewhere/ leaving the house, I stop and I breathe – and the stopping means and implies that I stop participating in the thoughts about rushing and breathe until the energy that has arisen dissipates as I breathe.

     

    I commit myself to realize that for all energetic experiences of rushing to stop I have to Stop participating in any form of thought, backchat internal conversation and focus on breathing till such inkling of experience as anxiety dissipates and I remain here breathing, physically, stable.

     

    Consequence:

    – Me tensing up every time I have to go out, rushing as well to get myself ‘on time’ while fearing that others might be ‘impatiently waiting for me’ or that I will miss something with it, ending up angry at myself for not being ‘perfectly on time’ and as such screwing up my self religion.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the thought of people being ‘impatiently waiting for me’ without realizing that it was actually ME being impatient with myself and toward others for not being on time due to this idea of ‘being on time’ as something positive and linked to responsibility, which I would use then judge myself or others for not being on time and or use it as a way to place myself in a ‘superior’ position for being ‘on time.’

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that being ‘on time’ is a positive trait that generates a positive experience and value ‘who I am’ according to my ability or inability of fulfilling this character, which is only existent in my own mind according to what I gave a positive value to which is being ‘on time’ as positive fulfilling experience.

     

    When and as I see myself believing that others will get pissed off if I don’t get somewhere on time or I will be judged as irresponsible, I stop and I breathe – I realize this is only functioning in my own mind according to my own mind construct of responsibility linked to ‘being on time’ as positive experience – thus I direct myself to be here breathing and take the time necessary to be ready, while breathing and getting there to the agreed time while breathing – and so forth throughout the entire day – moment by moment.

     

     

    – Building up my self religion of ‘not being like all of the other girls/ women’

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an entire character of ‘not being like other women’ as a sense of specialness due to being ‘on time’ or regularly ‘ready’ on time as opposed to women at home that would take a long time getting ready due to all the things that a ‘woman does’ such as hair, makeup, clothes and making it all look perfect which I judged as something superfluous, without realizing that I only created an experience toward it because of actually having wanted to do the same/ be the same, but because of my own predicament of ‘not being like them’ I had to do everything I could to act/ do/ dress/ be the opposite of everything they are, which became the ‘who I am’ as the ‘opposition character’ within my family and later on the world system, trying to get out of the stereotypes, without realizing I simply fueled more the point of trying to be special/ unique/ one of a kind ‘woman’ by opposing other women which only created this sense of ‘specialness’ within me as a self-religion that I fulfilled no matter what, even if I had to compromise myself and my physical stability and for example rushing just to be ‘unlike all other women’ that would make their partners wait for a long time.

     

    I forgive myself that I have actually accepted and allowed myself to judge the males for accepting and allowing the females to take a long time and actually be patiently waiting, wherein I would think that they were being over-complacent and not having enough ‘character’ to ask them to be on time, lol, which was only my own mindfuck being projected onto others and their relationships and agreements. Thus

     

    When and as I see myself doing things in a way that I believe a woman would not usually be like/ act like/ do in order to be ‘unlike any other women’ and fulfill my ‘I am not like all of the other girls’ character – I stop and I breathe. I focus on doing thing in common sense without having to define myself about it. I focus on the physical reality that I can participate in and direct myself focusing on what I have to do, or simply breathe here without having this constant experience of having to do something or rushing or being anxious about the future.

     

    I commit myself to breathe here as the constancy and consistency of my physical body wherein I take time simply as a measure to get things done within a certain time frame as a common sensical agreement with others, yet there is no positive or negative experience out of driving myself physically to be there on time or do things on the required time.

     

    I commit myself to actually stick to being ‘on time’ with any other aspects in my reality wherein I see that I have limited this due-time responsibility to meeting other people, but there’s also dead-lines as a point of responsibility to direct which are also part of a common sensical agreement between two or more people to get things done and as such, continue advancing in a certain process and as such, equalizing this ‘being on time’ character to a practical consideration of all tasks and points to fulfill in my physical reality.

     

    Within this one can see that if I would go to a doctor and tell them that I experience ‘stress, anxiety, nervousness and fears when having to go out of my house’, I would have probably been diagnosed with some anxiety disorders or even social phobia in order to meet a certain prescription drug that I would be given in order to ‘solve my problem,’ which would be essentially taking drugs to not experience all of the afore mentioned and walked emotions. This is a proof of how we are the ones that created such experiences in the first place and we are the only ones that can assist and support ourselves to take responsibility for what we experience and create practical breathing-living solutions to stop existing as this repetitive life consuming pattern, such as anxiety which is a very common emotion in our day to day living.

    Thus I invite you to investigate where you have created the belief that ‘there is something wrong within you’ for experiencing a certain emotion throughout your life, find out where it all begun and assist and support yourself with writing, applying self forgiveness, self corrective application in order to take responsibility and stop all the uncomfortable energetic mind experiences that we believed were a ‘mental disorder,’ without realizing that it was only our participation in the mind that created them all in the first place.

     

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    221. Insanity as a Fear turned into Fascination

    Continuing with: 220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

    First point: How did I come to link Drug Culture with Mad people as a point of fascination?

    – Personal Story/ Characterization of the Black Sheep/Crazy person that supports Crazy People:

    By Fascination I mean something that intrigues you, something that you cannot be certain of but containing ‘something’ that is mostly not broadly understood, acceptable, comprehensible, normal and having no ‘cure’ for it. And all of this formed part of all the various mysteries that I would always be fascinated to talk about, which is like a generational thing: all things occult, paranormal, mysterious, extraterrestrial, inexplicable events, myths and whatever it is that would cause me a point of Fascination as an energetic experience that I can describe as Adrenaline.  Where does adrenaline come from? Fear.

    Yesterday I wrote that I didn’t quite know where this fascination comes from, so I got a perspective on how it was simply a point of Fear that I had turned into a fascination. I definitely see the point as there was an energetic movement that I realized I had to walk through first in order to be able to tell the story, walk the Self Forgiveness without holding onto the Experience that I imprinted on all these memories. Even the drawing I placed on yesterday’s post indicated the way to follow up: I fear going insane – which is a real thought in my mind that has existed at times and I bet that all human beings have had this thought at some point in their lives. To me such fear indicated how the moment I could not make sense of insanity, I turned it into a fascination, which is a very simple polarity mechanism of the mind to turn love into hate and vice versa, all for the sake of creating a relationship of conflict toward something/ someone. That insanity became what I realized would be linked to a sense of freedom – e.g. when I was a kid and ‘act all crazy’ and how I would have fun for causing a shock to my family, I mean this was quite a common way for me to behave, lol, and it was all because of the energetic experience. 

    It was exactly a month ago that I began gathering information about this topic and so I got several points listed related to insanity/ drugs as a point of self definition. Therefore, this will be quite a ride since I can see a lot of the personality I had become was linked to this and may still be seeping through at times.

     

    Hence this entire topic will be divided in two: Insanity and Drug Culture.

    – I begin with insanity and my childhood years.

    When I was a child, I would go into extreme temper tantrums, I’ve explained this before when talking about anger, getting possessed to the point wherein I would vibrate my whole body and I absolutely get till this day this chilling sensation on the left arm when recalling the energy and pain in the back of my head, occipital point right side. So, what comes up to mind is that when I would possess myself within these tantrums, I would mostly end up being alone in what was then my parent’s room and my mother would come in and be all angry at me for being throwing a tantrum,  I remember her eyes being absolutely wide open and then saying something along the lines of me being really crazy for being possessed with such anger/ in such tantrum. So, this word was connected to this shock that I would put myself into within this anger possession and her calling me crazy would only fuel this entire possession like a spiteful mode of ‘Oh you’re calling me crazy eh? well here we go, I’ll get as crazy as I can’ and so end up really just crying my heart out and feeling my body just go into this absolute energetic possession wherein I would feel every single part of my body going into a frenzy, anger in the utmost expression’ – I would only take this to a certain point because: I feared dying. Yes, I feared that my heart would stop and I would get a heart attack for tensing up my body that much, so I would only calm myself down out of guilt for what I realized I was doing to my body, I could feel what a draining experience it was for it and so I would stop out of regret, shame and feeling overall miserable and sad toward myself and ‘asking forgiveness’ to my body at the end, regretting the whole act, but not learning from it as I would then repeat the same some other times…  I would be alone when all of this would happen since my mother or father would mostly close the door after themselves whenever I was in such a state of possession. All of this I’m pretty sure would happen when I was 5, 6 or 7.  And this is as far as I can see I linked insanity with fear due to my anger possessions.

    Later on whenever we would see ‘crazy people’ like vagrants on the street, my mother would take me by the hand and walk across the street or deliberately change our path/way to not go directly past the ‘crazy person.’ She was afraid of them and so I obviously picked up the fear toward them, ending up fearing being called crazy person, like them  – initially – which later on turned into the opposite point.

     

    Another aspect is how whenever I would be exalted/ angry for any little thing in my world – listen to the short fused life review to listen to what I would mostly go through my life – my mother would have this joking-way of dealing with me and so she would start patting my back, caressing my back but she said something about such movement been done to ‘calm crazy people when going through an attack’ – and so I would then dislike her doing that because of her then doing it within the starting point of calling me ‘crazy’ and as such, being considered a ‘crazy person’ which I feared/ disliked. I took it absolutely personal and too serious so I would react to her in further anger whenever she tried to touch me again when I was angry.

    The same situation would happen with my father, whenever he was absolutely angry and my mother would try and calm him down. What happens in this situation is that one is so possessed with anger that someone kind of making fun of your experience or ‘not taking it seriously’ = not ‘buying’ and in a way not supporting the mind’s tantrum, only fueled the anger because us in the mind is like ‘come on you have to get all fearful because I am Angry!’ – just like demons instigating deliberate fear around the people that are in the presence of a demon possession, which is what I’ve learned from the recent interviews by MyKey Demons in the Afterlife.  So, I essentially would do the same he did until my mother would not handle it and end up reacting in anger as well.  And so I would exacerbate the anger even further, until I would decide that I had been angry enough time for the day.

     

    And so this ‘crazy’ person point became a relationship within myself toward my mother mostly wherein I would later on try and prove that I was ‘in fact’ crazy for liking, saying, doing the things I would do, which weren’t real shocking but always containing some form of instigation toward a reaction, as I would feed off from her reactions toward my actions, way of behaving, doing, living, preferences, etc. just the deliberate process of creating a point of conflict within her wherein I would get a kick out of ‘not following her ways’ and becoming that which I thought she feared me becoming.

    Now things have changed obviously as I’ve walked my process and realized more and more how my relationship toward here was based on this antagonism to create a point of conflict within her and myself. Till this day she calls me loca as a nickname, which is only a remnant of everything that I lived out in order to seem outrageous for her/ my family, which is why I then went into finding out more about everything that was feared as insanity and drug addicts mostly. So, I essentially created a ‘fascination’ for some of the key aspects that I would hear my parents fearing: insanity and drug addicts as mentally instable people, as some sort of scum of society.

    There you go, my antagonist/ rebellious character then formed according to creating a likeness/ being fascinated with that which was feared, being curious about that which you cannot understand, that which is not openly talked about – at least not at home or in y immediate environment – which were insanity and later on drugs.

     

    This will continue.

     

    Self Forgiveness on the First aspect of this entire point which is Insanity/ Craziness.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear going crazy when I was a child due to how I learned that insanity was something to be feared and that I could in fact end up being sent to a mental hospital, which would exist as a joke within my family of ‘dropping me at El Batán’ which became like similar to threatening me with the boogie man.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in absolute fear literal petrification that one time that I was taking pictures around the pyramid in Cholula, and the mental hospital is right behind, and so as I was walking around, I heard a woman screaming ‘Let me out! Let me Out” and so her screams became this chilling experience of absolute fear within me, wherein I realized that I actually feared ever being in such a place that I had only ‘idealized’ from what one read in books or watches in movies.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience powerlessness toward ‘insane people,’ while feeling sorry for them being ‘locked up’ and at the same time fearing me being in such a place ever in my life.

     

    I realize that I understand now why such type of absolute actual crazy people – not self-made crazy people, which is another story – were actually system-integration errors within the physical body, wherein the mind would not develop appropriately, leading to a physical development as ‘usual’ but the mind creating a point of instability/ malfunction leading to mental impairment or insanity – For further support to understand this which was actually a cool explanation to make sense of people with mental problems Life Review – A Child’s Mind in an Adult Body.

     

     

    DSC00478_001
    View from standing outside ‘El Batán’

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to keep this picture as ‘special’ because it was taken right after I heard that woman screaming ‘let me out’ and imprinting it as an entire memory that I recall as  a point of fear but at the same time linked to the entire emotional aspect that I had lived out within myself toward gloomy-looking trees and sunsets, making it a ‘perfect memory’ of fear, enjoyment and whatnot as a Mindfuckism example of that which I accepted and allowed myself to be defined by.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was in fact ‘fascinated’ with insanity and/or drugs, without realizing how it was only me creating a relationship of likeness/ preference/ desire toward that which I feared and learned to fear through the memories of my childhood and the reactions I would pick up on people as in fearing insane people, drug addicts and within that, not getting any further information as to ‘why’ they were crazy or why they would take drugs in the first place.

     

    When and as I see myself believing that I am fascinated and curious by that which points out insanity or drug addictions, the inexplicable human behavior – I stop and I breathe – I realize that any point that I create a fascination toward is just a relationship of fear that I have built up based on knowledge and information and as such, I direct myself to breathe and equalize myself to that which I have built a ‘fascination’ toward, ensuring I stop all participation in any form of energetic experience that I have deemed as fascination –

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link ‘fascination’ to an energetic experience of extensive fear as adrenaline, as something that ‘I like’ which is not Me really liking such energetic experience as something ‘positive’ but it is who I am as the mind creating a relationship of fascination toward that which I could not understand and was feared instead. Which is how I developed later on fascinations toward the occult, mysteries, ghosts, spiritualism, dead people, and everything that would be usually ‘feared’ due to being labeled ‘insane’ or ‘abnormal’ and defining myself as ‘liking’ that which was not broadly acceptable.

     

    When and as I see myself creating an energetic experience of adrenaline when participating with something/someone that I have considered as insane, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me morphing the fear into a fascination thus I stop participating in fear and instead, equalize myself to the physicality of the moment here as breath to ensure I remain here as breath when interacting, reading, hearing, watching anything related to insanity.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was something ‘special’ in crazy people wherein I then thought that being crazy was an equivalent to being ‘sane’ in this mad world – crazy people being ‘more free’ and expressive from anything that was implanted as a point to be feared or not done in our society, which is how I would veer toward ‘craziness’ as only a desire to become that in a very moderated way, simply because of knowing that my parents feared crazy people and that crazy people were mostly relegated from society – and as such, me wanting to be ‘special’ in a way for being crazy as a form of positive experience and self definition in he mind.

     

    When and as I see myself believing that crazy people were special in a way due to not abiding to the social norms and rules and as such, being ‘out of the programming’ in one way or another – I stop and I breathe – I realize that craziness/ insanity is a word that only points out what we have all been and participated within in our day to day living in this world, and that as such there has been no sanity that we could find within ourselves as humanity as a whole yet.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people as ‘crazy’ based on what the medical societies would define a person was, which then became a pejorative word to call a person that would be dealing with any form of mental instability.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my fascinations based on that which I knew would bother my mother, father and family in general, wherein I then veered to become the opposite of everything that I assessed they were ‘all about,’ and this being the beginning of me as the opposition/ rebellious/ antagonistic character that I later on became fascinated with as a point of energetic experience due to how I would identify with people that were insane or the fascination toward drugs as a sense of ‘freedom’ – hence linking ‘freedom’ to insanity/ drug cultures as everything that would be opposed to what I learned was prohibited, unspoken at home which was then ‘restriction/ fear’ linked to insanity and drug cultures among other perverse state of minds that were a taboo within society.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately want to ‘act crazy’ to instigate a point of friction and conflict within my mother, wanting to create some form of distress within her just for the sake of having the power to do so.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately shape, mold and create a personality based on everything which I thought and believed my mother would fear me liking/ becoming, in essence becoming everything that I knew would piss her off, just because ‘I could’ and just because I wanted to instill a point of conflict in her life as the actual evil point that exists within/ as myself as the mind that seeks conflict and friction to survive.

     

    I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to want to blame my mother for all the fears that I acquired through her, not realizing that I was the one that accepted and allowed such fears to become part of my self definition, and that I continued acting upon them, later on using them as a way to become that which she feared as a point of ‘power’ over her, because of knowing that I could instigate fear within her for being/ becoming or liking things that she mostly would fear or reject. Again, this within the principle of me as the mind only seeking friction and conflict to be able to continue existing as the mind.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to grow up believing that I could understand what an insane people would feel like.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience ‘fascination’ toward the pictures that I saw – not long ago- in an exhibition of a public photography archive of La Castañeda, which was the most ‘famous’ mental hospital here in Mexico City, and these pictures were taken around the 50’s and creating an energetic experience while watching them of fear/ fascination as well as sadness and condescendence while watching these pictures of the people, the place and their drawings.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could deal with insane people easily just because of me apparently being able to ‘understand’ them, which is only me wanting to get close to that which I remember I had to fear/ stay away from while growing up in my family. Therefore

    When and as I see myself believing that I am able to understand insane people – I stop and I breathe – I realize that ‘insane people’ can only exist as a definition of people in my mind according to a particular character that people have deliberately become in/as the mind, which is Not who the real being is – thus I ensure that I equalize myself to who and what the being really is in order to not look at the character they are representing and creating a point of empathy Toward the Character, but instead, assist and support myself to bring out/ equalize myself to the Being that is real, that is physically here as an equal. Within this also ensuring that I stop any form of condescendence as a projected victimization toward people that are being considered ‘insane’ nowadays, and believing that they require a ‘hand’ – not realizing that  as long as such beings are not directly deciding for themselves to support themselves first and foremost, I cannot possibly play the savior toward ‘them.’

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the word ‘crazy/ loco’ with a pejorative way to call a person as well as a flattering word to be called as, wherein I had linked first ‘crazy/ loco’ with a reaction of fear that later on turned into a fascination, hence accepting and allowing myself to feel almost ‘flattered’ whenever my mother calls me ‘loca’ which means crazy woman, which is obviously only a nickname that I realize I had reacted to in a positive manner due to how I had defined crazy people as Free from the social conditioning that we are all a part of,  within this

     

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of ‘joy’ toward the deliberately/jokingly exaggerated automated actions that my father would do whenever he’s in a rush and doing things and getting everything ‘done’ as fast as he can, wherein he tends to act a bit aloof and ‘crazy’ which is an aspect I created a fondness toward, like saying ‘hey look that’s where I got it from’  – which is just a point of getting attention for behaving in a particular aloof manner, as a ‘joke’ or humoristic way of being.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a point of identification with my father for his ‘crazy ideas’ lol and as such believing that ‘I knew what  he would go through’ whenever my mother would bring him ‘back to Earth’ and I would take such action as a repression/ suppression, which was at times so – lol – but I then used it as a way to ‘team up’ against my mother and developing an entire personality that I have walked sufficiently on a mind construct which is now pretty clear how the fear/ antagonism toward my mother also carries the words ‘crazy’ as a relationship formed of me presenting traits that my father had, wherein I saw how she would react the same way toward me when I presented myself/ spoke in a ‘crazy way’ just to get a kick out of her reacting to our craziness.

     

    Lol I remember when riding in the car and talking about aliens/ UFO’s and my father saying that he wanted to be alien abducted and how I would say ‘yes! yes! me too!’ and my father would continue rambling about that and saying how we would both go there and live with extraterrestrial beings etc. etc. and my mother would only say and repeat ‘you are both Really crazy’ and how we would fuel that point of friction and conflict more and more.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘insanity’ as a fear instilling process toward my mother and any other person on the street whenever I want to create a point of conflict/ friction within them, and as such, deliberately doing acts wherein I would get a energetic kick out of doing that which was not ‘normal’ or that I considered wasn’t normal at the eyes of others, hence getting an experience out of ‘transcending’ my own fears toward insanity in the first place.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to copy my father’s mechanism of presenting himself as overtly ‘honest’ at times as a means to instigate a point of friction and conflict within my mother, wherein he would exaggerate things to blow them out of proportion so that my mother would react in a restrictive manner toward his behavior and hearing her say ‘(name of father’ you are really crazy’ – lol – and from there forming this condescending experience toward my father like ‘I know what you FEEL like, I’ve been there myself’ – not realizing that I am simply representing the exact same patterns he’s had throughout his life in both anger and a bit of aloofness which I had created as a mix of, precisely, fear and fascination in my mind like a fondness toward him due to what I would also experience within myself as what I perceived was similar to His experience.

     

    When and as I see myself being fond of my father’s aloofness and tantrums, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this fondness that I have created toward him can only exist if I continue to see him only as that ‘craziness’ pattern that I became fond of due to standing as a point of friction and conflict that we could inflict within my mother and as such, creating an entire character about this particular experience of retaliating toward my mother due to the inherent friction and conflict I experienced toward her as ‘my mother’ and the corrective-person toward all my personal ‘treats’ that would give me an energetic kick, which was everything that she would judge and ‘go against’ throughout my life, not realizing that all those choices I made were essentially part of the character that I became to oppose everything she would see as acceptable, just to create and perpetuate a point of conflict within me/ my life and hers and call this ‘freedom/ rebelling against oppression’.’

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold this belief that my father would act aloof/ crazy as a deliberate way to instigate attention and conflict within others, which is nothing else but becoming a character in order to get some attention from others as a point of specialness/ outrageousness which is mostly considered as plain ‘crazy’ or ‘abnormal,’ which I equated to ‘freedom’ and ‘expression.’ From here creating the whole idea that I was a crazy person because I would not want to abide to social norms and I wanted to deliberately instigate a point of shock within people whenever I could as a way to gain attention, recognition, specialness, uniqueness, the ideal ‘free being’ type of expression which was all linked to this entire construct of initially having feared insanity, then using it as a way to instigate conflict in others which would give me an energetic experience in the mind that would confirm: I am a crazy person/ I am abnormal/ I am special/ I am misunderstood/ I do not fear breaking the rules – and all this ‘antagonist/ rebellious/ black sheep’ character that I became throughout my life in my family and environment in a very moderate way, but very ‘ingrained’ as ‘who I am.’

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energetic experience of adrenaline whenever I would do something that was deliberately ‘outrageous’ just for the sake of triggering a reaction within Others – which points out how if I had no people around me to instill a reaction within, I would have mostly not played out these characters at all as there is no point in acting like that whenever I am alone – hence realizing that everything that I created of myself as a ‘crazy character’ was just a way to get attention, be opposed, step out of the rules, be perceived as free and expressive and mostly instigate a point of conflict within my mother.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having desired to keep this specific way of being that can be labeled as ‘crazy’ and a bit autistic at times when being alone or walking through the streets whenever I want to protect myself from any potential threat – due to being alone/ walking alone – and present myself in a particular way wherein I expect people to believe that I am crazy and that I am ‘not worthy’ of assaulting or robbing as in me being deranged or possibly dangerous toward them.

    When and as I see myself going through the streets and wanting to deliberately present a physical expression of being a bit crazy or deranged with certain attitudes like looking at the wall or moving my hands or walking too fast or looking ‘aloof’ in order to protect myself, I stop and I breathe – I realize that these attitudes are stemming from fear – and as such, I direct myself to act, be here and walk as breath without participating in any point in my mind wherein a point of perceived threat is activated when and while walking.

     

    I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not deliberately brush my hair when I had hair as a way to denote ‘look, I am crazy, do not get close’ lol – which became part of the entire eccentric personality later on linked to the artistic character that I’ve also walked within this process.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever look at ‘crazy people’ or even autistic people with a certain ‘fascination’ and trying to understand them/ support them somehow which was an entire experience of fear turned into adrenaline whenever this happened, which I equated as fascination, becoming only a mind fixation of sorts due to the fear that I actually experienced toward them and transforming that fear into a fascination which in no way is it in fact assisting and supporting myself and others to step out of our fears, prejudices and definitions toward one another as physical human beings and within this, supporting  ourselves to stop existing only as characters that we’ve become in the mind, and instead focus on supporting one another to become physical living beings.

     

    I realize that all of this is knowledge and information that served only a single purpose: to limit myself within a particular energetic relationship and experience as the mind, instead of equalizing myself as the physicality that we all are as human beings. Thus

     

    I commit myself to stop all self-definitions as an energetic imprint within me linked to insanity/ craziness/ aloofness that I have linked to a point of freedom and apparent ‘fascination’ within the understanding that it all stemmed out of fear and familial relationships linked to reactions in the mind. Thus, I equalize myself as the physical here wherein no definitions can exist as ‘who I am’ or ‘what I like’ – but simply assisting and supporting myself to be and become the actual living-being that I am and that stops energetic experiences toward words, pictures and memories that are related to the ‘insanity’-fascination character.

     

    I commit myself to continue debunking this point of insanity as fear as a point of apparent ‘fascination’ as only one of the aspects that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as a character in the mind, which is nothing else but an energetic self-definition that only feeds the entire personality of ‘who I am’ as the mind. Thus, I walk this process in order to stop any form of ‘minute’ experiences that I have linked to this particular character of insanity-fascination and support myself to equalize myself as breath, as the physical that I am in reality.

     

    In the Equal Money System there will be education based on understanding how the mind functions, in order to be able to direct and educate all beings to correct any predisposition to veer toward the acting out of the mind instead of the physicality. The patterns will be able to be corrected as a physical process with specific support and assistance to also deal with anyone that may present any form of mental instability that could represent an actual threat to the community/ society.

     

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    210. Not Having Money Makes You Sad– but Why?

     

    One thing is certain, when one is educated to follow through a particular ‘lifestyle’ based on having money and seeking for More money, even if taking an apparent dissident position do we in fact let go of such benefits that we’ve been used to living in. This is based on how as human beings we seek for the point of happiness in our lives in various ways, influencing our decisions in life only to realize after a while how we’ve made decisions based on Energy and Experience instead of physically informing ourselves of the potential outflows, projecting a possible result and outcome of our decisions if living our desires, wants and needs out. Unfortunately, this world is based on the immature consciousness decision-making aspect of ‘follow your dreams’ and within that, always constantly seek for the happiness point, the ‘high’ on life. which is then obviously seeking to get the most of a certain moment in order to feel better about ourselves. As we can see, there is no All as Equals considered in these equations or schemes, it is just a personal desire to fulfill that which we were taught to fulfill: happiness, joy, satisfaction, escalating social status, getting the most influential friendships in order to succeed in this world.

     

    I have shared before how my days of having ‘bad times’ when I was a child – around 8-10 years old approximately –  we simply had not as much money as before or have enough to go out to eat our out to ‘buy stuff’ and the regular ‘happy times’ that I had identified with ‘having money.’ To me such austerity measures meant sadness and gloomy times. I guess that part of my life when my father had severe financial troubles was the one that ‘marked’ me the most while growing up, having the uncertainty of for example, suddenly being able to lose it all, lose the house that we own, barely making it through every week, etc. And that’s also the time when I questioned ‘god’ the most and the spiritualist support we were supposed to have, like ‘why’ did this fraud happened to him? Why are we being tested? What is the purpose of being through this turmoil? What type of ‘karma’ are we paying here? And the same went on as there was a great robbery in his business which was like just another bomb being dropped in our financial stability. So, all that worry and concern about money affected me quite a Lot, I mean, that’s probably the time wherein I strived the most to ‘be like others’ and comparing my social status to other people’s and it was coincidentally enough around puberty – it was until my early teens that we got to a point of ‘betterment’ and things stabilized.

     

    However, the questions remained: why did we had such unfortunate times? And this must be understood within the context of me simply losing the aspects that I had defined as part of the ‘good things’ in my life, like being able to go out and eat in a restaurant, being able to buy cd’s  or clothes – but most importantly the general experience of ‘being alright’ which certainly was non existent as things turned quite gloomy at home for not having much money, having a constant uncertainty about our future, our properties, having legal problems as well as a desire for revenge toward the person that committed the fraud. Man, that’s where I learned how human beings can really justify evil talk because of someone doing something to you. Obviously I won’t disclose the words I would hear, but all I can say is that such desire for revenge was covered up with a sense of justice. I could not fathom it and even if I wanted to support my family I could still not experience that desire for revenge for whatever were the reasons that man committed the fraud against my father. I learned then about debts and having debtors, lol till this day I remember the names of the people because my father would mention them a lot and cursing while speaking about them of course, I mean yes they owed him lots of money and they all lead us through a financial turmoil, and it was as if ‘our happiness’ then had been stolen from us by ‘them’ – although as everything, it takes two to tango:  there were also measures not taken from my father’s side to avoid such situations. The problem back then was: he trusted people easily. Bad Idea.

     

    Now, why am I exposing all of this – to see how everything that I have defined as bad, negative, awful, stressful and general gloomy time of my life was linked to Not having money – or not having ‘as much as’ we used to or perceived that we had before that, and how seeing my father in a constant state of worry and concern lead me to mimic his experience. I became quite uncertain myself, like ‘insecure’ as the entity of ‘money as power’ was not ‘here’ as part of my personality, as the overtly joyful kid that I was. I became more quiet and isolated at that time as well. So, I was quite aware of how much the lack of money can affect you in your ‘beingness’ to the point of just feeling like some scum of the Earth. Oh dear, I remember, this was the time wherein I created a massive self-rejection and wanting to ‘not exist any longer’ because that would mean ‘less expenses’ for my father – I had completely forgotten about this, I wanted to at some point even write it out like deciding that only 4 people were enough in my family and that I simply did not have to exist as my school’s tuition fee would then be saved as well as my food and everything else. These were actual thoughts I had for quite a while, and never really told anyone about it either. I was quite a young child and ‘wanting to help’ – though obviously I was only really victimizing myself further instead of seeing any real form of solution.

     

    From then on, I became the ‘austerity measures’ character if you will, always seeking the lowest prices, creating the ‘least expenses’ for my own survival and generally belittling myself to the ‘I’m not worthy of this’ type of experience, which later on became part of myself as a personality in itself, how fucked up is that? This can be the origin of it as well as some physical comparison/ image presentation comparison points/ aspects that I began becoming more aware of as I went growing up, which were blatantly quite obvious to me: rich people were the beautiful people. All of this signifies one thing: money and looks determined how I would FEEL and how I would See myself. It became quite obvious that not having much money and not having what I perceived as perfect looks meant being ‘less than’ and all the inferiority complex kicked in – hence isolation, hence believing that I was just a nuisance and an equivalent to ‘money expenses’ only, a burden, hence my desires to just not be such a nuisance any longer, I really would over-react and be quite extremist in my self-experience which is part of that which is in the past but still here, as I would see a similar character emerging in a place wherein I was being supported and becoming extremely anguished and stressed out when knowing there were financial problems, making the problem the totality of ‘who I am’ and going into this downward spiral almost automatically, not wanting to be a burden , going into sadness due to how I defined my ‘beingness’ according to having money.

    So, this is for now the background that I have laid out as part of the counter act to the elitist character which is: suddenly losing all these benefits and going into a ‘recession’ at home, as well as the crisis that I became very aware of in the second half of the 90’s, not only at home but generally in our country, getting to see people that apparently had even gotten cancer out of not being able to pay for their houses and realizing to what extent money defined our ‘well being’ in all ways, fucked up beyond measure. And so, I will continue with Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application in the Following posts.

    Support the Equal Money System so that any form of ‘ups’ and ‘downs’ in our reality are not an aspect that defines  who we are and how we live and experience ourselves, but becomes a living certainty of being supported from birth to death until we Die. That’s the law of our being that must be implemented in this world.  No more survival mode  – Support Life in Equality.

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    191. Anger and Irritation upon Procrastination– Self Correction

     

    Consequences within the Procrastination Character – Self Corrective Statements and Commitments

    This is  a continuation to: 189. Anger and Irritation upon Procrastination – Self Forgiveness from the day October 21, 2012

    When and as I see myself experiencing anger and irritation toward my own neglect and deliberate brushing off of responsibilities that I’ve committed myself to do – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I don’t require to add a layer of emotional turmoil to that which is required to be done and given direction to in physical reality.

    I commit myself to stop participating in anger and this is a process – yes – as I see and realize that the anger that I have exerted toward something/ someone outside of myself are stemming from me only and that it is Never about others. (Listen to the Quantum Mind series Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 22+23)

    Thus I realize that anything could trigger this experience within me as it is in fact only me being angry at myself for not having corrected/ given direction to points within my world and reality wherein any point can become a trigger point to exert my own creation toward my own actions/ inactions.

     

    When and as I see myself creating a rush about things, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I cannot move faster than the physical space time and within that, it is pointless to create a rush within me to direct/ move/ sort out things which is actually an energetic input stemming as a direct consequence to my own parsimony toward the time required for the task that I have neglected.

     

    When and as I see myself recriminating myself for not having done something over time, I stop and I breathe – I realize that creating an experience of anger and irritation about the time spent having remain ‘stuck’ within one point, is further mind possession that requires a physical direction in the moment, which I suggest is writing it out in order to see how I can practically stop the emotional turmoil and give myself proper direction which implies, breathing, stabilizing  myself and then continuing with the task that must be done.

    I commit myself to work closely with my emotional reactions to ensure that I am not  using Self Forgiveness as a way to exert the emotions without giving it immediate self direction, as that would obviously nullify the point of Self Forgiveness.

     

    When and as I see myself wanting to lash out/ exert my anger toward the world because of my own procrastination and unresolved points that I Know I have to direct, I stop and I breathe. I realize that within exerting my own unresolved points toward others is abdicating my responsibility and further victimization wherein I see that this is a pattern that I also learned from what I saw at home and developed myself which just emerged here as I write – so through self forgiveness first:

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within being angry and irritated for things not going ‘my way’ exert such anger toward others so that others in that moment could also be aware of my anger and even wanting to deliberately affect them with my anger so that I am actually creating a point of power over others through making them react in fear toward my anger/ become angry themselves, wherein the experience is then only fueled without any correction but simply wanting to deliberately make others angry/ experience the same I was experiencing, which reveals to what extent when there is no self-awareness of what we are in fact accepting and allowing to exist within us, we lash out our experience toward others without caring how it is affecting others – within this

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never consider how my own anger affects others and how I am in fact responsible not only for myself, but for the experience that I instigate deliberately in a seemingly non-conscious manner toward others, without realizing that it is obviously done with the intention of others ‘feeling my anger’ in order for me to then justify my experience and within this, through anger, getting myself back to a positive experience when saying ‘I had a reason to be angry’ which is not acceptable in any way.

     

    When and as I see myself wanting to deliberately lash out my anger toward others in order to have an effect on them and within this, have a form of power and control through them reacting in fear – I obviously stop and I breathe – I realize that others noticing that I am angry will in fact only fuel my own anger and irritation which is something that I have to sort out/ deal with/ correct within myself only – and that wanting others to be directly affected by my experience is in fact abdicating my responsibility to the points that I have to work with myself.

    Thus I realize that anger in itself is another form of self manipulation to try and have others commiserating to my own negligence and in this case, procrastination, instead of realizing that every consequence must be faced here, directly in stability and within this understanding that me exerting anger is only perpetuating the cycles of self-abuse and indirectly seeking to involve others within my experience, which is plain evil.

    I commit myself to stop my impulse to exert anger toward others in order for them to be aware that ‘there’s something going on with me’ which is plain manipulation in order to be able to involve others in my own experience, which is not acceptable as this is my process, my responsibility and within this, I cannot allow myself to perpetuate and externalize that which I have created for myself and through myself only.

    This is how I can practically ensure that I stop creating division and wars in our world as I see that the moment that we externalize any point of friction with a deliberate desire to have others participate in it my experience, is another form of validating the experience in itself, which is not acceptable at all.

     

    When and as I see myself wanting to rush things now because of having procrastinated them for a while, I stop and I breathe – I realize that now rushing to ‘get it done’ is not a self-honest way of living and it’s not what I would want myself to be and become only to ‘get the task/project done’ in a middle/ half-assed way – thus I ensure that I make the necessary arrangements in my world and reality to walk this point till its completion as it is my responsibility and point to direct/ solve/ sort out within the absolute understanding that creating further experiences about it is useless to create a solution, therefore only a waste of time.

     

    I commit myself to understand that those projects/ tasks that I commit myself to walk, are part of that which I have decided to do as an extension/ expression of ourselves. This implies that getting things done just to ‘get by’ is only a dishonest expression of myself that I would certainly not want myself to express as, nor others for that matter.  This is to realize that the commitment to walk a point of responsibility implies the realization that I am here to correct the patterns that I lived thus far that are not self-supportive and within this, my deeds/ words are the direct physical and tangible proof of any form of self correction I am committing myself to. Thus I take equal responsibility for what I have committed myself to do and that are all equally part of the responsibilities that I have taken on in my life.

     

    When and as I see myself equating life to ‘getting things done’ as only being a production machine, qualifying my life according to tasks to get done in order to define ‘who I am’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that tasks, projects and points that I have decided to do and take responsibility for are points that I have agreed to do as part of my own living-experience within the world system and within my own process  – within this, it is to realize that committing myself to do something is actually designating the necessary time to do it, as I realize that not doing so, creates consequences for myself and everyone else involved .

     

    Within this – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how my own actions/ inactions would also affect others wherein even if I knew that I had to do it, I simply didn’t do it. So this is part of me having to realize how every point of procrastination can be linked to individual moments of deciding to do ‘something else/ something that made me feel good about myself’ instead of doing what I was requiring to do.

    When and as I see myself only considering me and my own consequences when not doing something deliberately – I stop and I breathe – I realize that the responsibility that I’ve taken on is not only toward myself but anyone else involved. Thus, I take responsibility for myself, my actions/ inactions and the consequential outflow they create toward others and reality as a whole.

     

    When and as I see myself creating an experience upon getting more responsibilities, I stop and I breathe –I realize that getting any sort of anxiety or stress about it does not solve the point, will not allow me to work ‘better’ through it. It is a single physical point wherein I can instead focus on considering the task to bet done, assess it throughout some time to see how I can fit in all that must be done within my schedule and according to testing it out for some time, assess whether I am capable of doing it nor not. This is to then not further compromise myself with projects/ tasks to be done without having an actual living-physical decision to actually do it. Within this

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to face the consequence of not getting things done based on taking on other responsibilities and deliberately knowing that I was neglecting this other task that I must get done no matter what, eventually ending up procrastinating due to my desire to be able to ‘keep up’ with everything  and have time for it all, without realizing that in this I am only doing so as a point of compromise which is based on not wanting to let others down about my participation in things, which is something that I have to consider without the image/ role point that I have created of myself, and instead for this moment until I get this major task done, to consider how it is necessary for me to focus on my reality responsibilities before continuing developing any other points.

     

    When and as I see myself wanting to take further points/ responsibilities without considering the ones that I am deliberately ignoring and leaving behind, yet knowing that I have to do them anyways – I stop and I breathe – I have to make a very cold decision in every moment that I agree to participate in something, as I realize that each decision implies a responsibility and a consequences and that I would not want for myself/ nor others to take several points and eventually not dedicating myself to them in every moment, but being rushing to do it, which is not cool at all.

    I commit myself to assess in a very conscious manner the decisions I make in order to taken on projects, responsibilities and tasks when I have one single point that is being procrastinated/ not done and requires immediate attention.

    I commit myself to ‘remind’ me of the consequential outflow of having procrastinated something wherein one does not know how such procrastination will create an eventual consequence wherein that one single ‘lagging point’ determines our reality and our very own internal stance toward ourselves and everything that we participate in.

     

    When and as I see myself wanting to blame others for my own experience, I stop and I breathe –I realize that I must stop at all times exerting my experience toward others as I am the only one that must work with anger and irritation toward myself. Thus

    I commit myself to stop reacting and blaming others for my own experience, being it music in the outside or people making noises – I realize that when I am here as breath, these points are not able to affect who I am. Thus every moment from here on when I see myself making a big deal out of an external aspect apparently ‘tampering’ my ability to direct myself effectively, I stop and I breathe – and I instead investigate how I have created this irritation and annoyance based on my own actions/ inactions within my world and reality according to tasks/ points that must be done and my physical direction to them.

     

    I commit myself to stop becoming a demon in itself when it comes to being angry and irritated within myself toward myself due to what I have done/ not done as myself and exerting it upon others, as I see and realize that my starting point of doing so is that of wanting to get a positive experience for having others react to my own emotional state, which is a rather evil way of getting myself to a positive state and justify the anger and experience because at the eyes of others is apparently ‘okay’ for me to be angry and frustrated, even though I realize that the moment that I see in their eyes a point of fear and powerlessness toward my own anger, I get myself back to a positive experience because at least I have made others equally angry/ unstable as I am.

     

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    189. Anger and Irritation upon Procrastination

    Consequences – Self Forgiveness

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger and irritation toward myself and ‘the world’ because of my own procrastination and within this, having ‘wasted’ the time that I had when I had it to do this properly and instead, having to now rush things to make them ‘work’  – however I see and realize that I must be very aware of not going into a rushing state wherein I end up doing things just to ‘get them done’ and forgetting about realizing that each thing that I commit myself to do  requires the exact same amount of self-awareness here as breath to do it, and within this, committing myself to not just ‘get things done’ and get the ‘obstacle’ out of the way – in this

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate my life to ‘getting things done’ and seeing the tasks and points that require direction as simple ‘points’ that I have to simply ‘get done and over with it’ without realizing that in this attitude toward my tasks and projects, I am in fact missing out the entire point of the task/ project in itself, which is actually an opportunity for me to slow down, stop seeing life as this series of projects and assignments and instead support me to realize that each and every single task I commit myself to I can take on as long as I am here as breath directing myself in every moment and within this

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within the consequential outflow of me now having more tasks to do and having ‘wasted the time’ before, I will have to simply be more strict with myself and my time frames, as I see and realize that if there is this ‘extra thing’ that I have been procrastinating to do, it must be done as soon as possible – and within this equate all things that I have to do appropriately.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the fear of ‘oh fuck I’ll be stuck here for another half year’ without realizing that I am not stuck and I created this for myself – within this

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that any point of pressure and rush is created by me and the relationship I created toward moving to another place and finishing school but at the same time not wanting to simply get the whole thing done with the final paper, which I see and realize that the sabotage is only toward myself.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger toward myself and within this go into a pessimistic attitude toward it because I will not apparently be able to move in another half year, without realizing that if any consequences have to be faced, I will simply have to face them as they are and as long as it takes because there is no other way within this when one is subject to processes that I have no control over other than doing my part which is getting this document done.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get pissed off when things go out of what I have initially considered they would go through/ as,  which implies having created a time frame for some other particular task, without realizing that I should have actually done this one written document long time ago and that it is my responsibility to now ensure that I use every bit of time to get to everything that I have to do, instead of wasting my time getting pissed off and irritated at everything and everyone because of my own dead corpse of procrastination.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energetic experience over procrastination as this further anxiety because ‘things are accumulating’ without realizing that I am the only one that is accumulating them as thoughts of what I have to do, instead of just doing it.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to blame others for the decisions made and try and project my own anger and frustration toward me due to not having done the things that I had agreed to do a long time ago.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated because of having had music again the whole fucking day yesterday, wherein I go into a powerless mode because of not being able to go and shut people up so that I can have my peace and quietness to be able to write.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste another day and not write because of considering that the music/ noise from neighbors is absolutely irritating and impossible to write when having that constant sound.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even get irritated at someone arriving home earlier today and within this fearing that the noise will come through the interview and believe that ‘they should not fucking be here’ which is plain control-freak that wants peace and silence in order to please me and my ideals of having a quiet weekend.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up with a bad mood today because of things not going as I expected and within this, get irritated at everything, and everyone without considering that I am only acting out and lashing out my own energetic experience of anger and frustration for the accumulated procrastination toward points in my reality.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated because of things not being done according to how they were planned and agreed to be done, within this becoming inflexible and irritated because ‘things are not going the way that we decided and agreed to do them,’ without realizing that I am simply using this as an excuse to lash out and project my own irritation because of not having planed my life with my reality-responsibilities in order to be prepared and have everything done by now to then be absolutely ready and steadfast for anything that is required to be done.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately neglect the consequences that I would have to face in real-time reality based on my procrastination to not get this particular scholar task done and within this, having to postpone everything else that I wanted to do for undefined time in order for me to ensure that I can in fact leave with having everything sorted out.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and my own departure based on my own procrastination due to me wanting to leave but at the same time creating deliberate obstacles in my reality that make it impossible for me to leave, even thought everything else is ready and the one that I am only waiting for is myself.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated at my own deliberate self-sabotage because ‘I knew what I was doing all the way’ and I didn’t stop, which places into perspective the actual Evil that we are and do to ourselves in order to make our lives more complicated simply because of accepting and allowing dishonesty from our side.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss breathing the moment that I simply get knowledge and information as having to ‘rush’ something without considering that any ‘rush’ can only exist as an energetic starting point to do things, which obviously always will carry out a consequences – thus

    When and as I see myself rushing to do something and wanting to get it done as fast as possible – I stop and I breathe until I see that I am in fact being here stable and the movement within my physical body is not that of an anxious movement and strain, but is in fact a self-movement here as breath. Within this, realizing that I can only direct one point at a time and that I require to establish a routine that makes it practical and physically possible for me to do every single point every single day – and within this, also not accepting and allowing further manipulation to want to stop doing something to do that other thing, based on preferences or specific values given to one or another task, as I see and realize that that which will become part of my daily schedule, is all equally relevant and important.

     

    Within this, I see and realize that the rush that I experienced this morning was because of having an unexpected notice and within this, having my little plans ruined because of believing that I would ‘still have time’ to work on this written project that I have been procrastinating, without realizing that such project should have been done by now and that the only way I will get this done is through simply doing it and stop whining about it.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of this task this ‘huge’ obstacle in my reality based on and directly proportional to the amount of time I didn’t direct it

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the consequences are for myself yes, but also toward everything and all – and that this is actually depending on me and how I am able to stop the energetic experience toward my own procrastination and simply focus on what is required to be done.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience toward things going ‘out of plan’ without realizing that If I had in fact lived my life according to doing things in the time that I had also ‘planned’ to do, I would not be existing in such an energetic rush and anxiety because this is only the consequential outflow of my own procrastination and deliberate postponement to do things – the consequence is thus me having to simply do all things required without making an experience about it.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thinking ‘I don’t want to see anyone today’ wherein I am simply wanting to lash out onto people in my reality what I am experiencing within me due to having to face the consequences of what I’ve done, which is unacceptable since that is how I have criticized people as well, when they behave in absolute anger and irritation to people without the other people they are communicating with having anything to do with the person’s mood and personal frustration/ anger/ irritation thus

     

    When and as I see myself wanting to lash out and be irritated at people in my environment as a way to show and reveal that ‘I am pissed off at myself’ I stop  and I breathe – I realize that this is actually rather foolish and stupid to do since who we are is already the accumulated and manifested consequence of having wasted our lives and time in entertainment and the feel good experiences of the mind which are now here to be faced as the time that I could have used to work on my task/project/ document, instead of now existing as an energetic experience of anger toward ‘the world’ as a way for me to blame and exert my reactions instead of taking responsibility for them, which is unacceptable.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even get irritated by the presence of someone at home when it is supposed to be ‘all quiet and empty’ in order to satisfy my desires to have no noise around me, which has become a rather constant point of desire that I will surely have to get to, because it’s being also the source of anger and irritation because of people constantly playing music in the house or in the neighborhood, which makes it impossible for me to record interviews, but at the same time, I see that it is a point of me wanting to control my environment instead of realizing that I have no possibility of doing that, and that if I want absolute silence I then have to wake up in the middle of the night to have a relative silence around.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated at someone cleaning in the house which reveals the absolute nonsensical way of existing as the mind, since I would get pissed off if people do not clean and now I get pissed off because someone is cleaning and ‘making too much noise’ – within this I realize to what extent one can utilize anything, virtually ‘anything’ outside of oneself to blame and project anger toward without a cause but our own self-created experience of anger and irritation that is only existent within ourselves.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am becoming my father when it comes to being constantly irritated and angry when things are not working ‘my way’ and be an absolute ‘sweet and loving person’ when things are going my way, which reveals the absolute disparity that I am allowing within myself based on the external environment and how it suits my preferences and desires/needs, instead of seeing and realizing how I have to take responsibility for myself and what I have created within me also as these energetic experiences of anger and irritation according to wanting to control my world and having things always working ‘my way’ and within my desired ‘time frame,’ without realizing that I have already imposed too much of myself as self interest toward my day to day living.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another person as a reflection of myself to justify the anger and irritation as something ‘genetic’ without realizing that I also learned from looking at my father how he would go into anger and frustration and further retaliation toward others whenever things would not go his way, within this

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience frustration as that surge of energy that I am just waiting to lash out on others, so that others can be aware of me being angry and somehow seek some misery-is-company type of words and attitude as a confirmation to me being ‘right’ in getting angry

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my physical body throughout all of this and that I have not been diligent enough with myself in order to be breathing and Here as I direct points and situations, and that missing out on breath and missing out time and space that I could have used to work on my project is simply no longer here and that the only point I can do is giving it direction along with any other commitment  I have agreed upon doing. 

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get very sleepy as I write this and want to just shut down and go to sleep, without realizing that this is a defense mechanism in order for me to simply not continue realizing that this has been a key-aspect within my reality: how I have become this replica of what I would see my father do and that would actually bother me quite a bit, which is lashing out anger upon others and not taking self-responsibility for it. Thus

     

    When and as I see myself wanting to lash out my anger toward others and not take responsibility for this single moment of preparing myself to ‘present’ myself in a particular way toward another being – I stop and I breathe  I realize that this is the moment wherein I have to ensure that I sort out and deal with my own reactions through self forgiveness and self corrective application as this is the only way wherein I ensure that I stop the abuse that I’ve imposed on myself as my reactions being passed onto others that certainly have nothing to do with it – and even if they did, I realize that I have to work on the point of not getting angry at them as an energetic experience, but simply point out something in common sense and at all times considering not only my own preferences and considerations, but what is best for all and within this, I realize that I cannot ‘know’ what’s best for all when I am existing in an energetic experience in my mind as within that I will only continue doing that which satisfies my energetic experience which  – as evil as it sounds – is wanting to intimidate and make other feel guilty for whatever reason, without realizing that this is certainly not the way to go, as I am only projecting onto others that which I am doing to myself /as myself.

    I breathe – here and walk the points as required within Self Responsibility – I stop the blame and anger projected onto anything and anyone in my reality and assist and support myself instead to realize that there is only one solution to this all: just doing what is required to be done.

     

    Self Corrective Statements and Self Commitments in the following post.

     

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