561. From Provocation to Self-Challenge

Or how to stop putting up a fight against the world and instead challenge oneself to grow in living terms

Something I tend to do quite often is watch interviews with people mostly in the field of music and arts in general, and yesterday while I was watching one about a movement in music that I had tried to ‘understand’ many times in the past in terms of placing into context its expression, without having done proper research on its background and ‘reason to be.’ And this is something I bring up again – because I am sure I have written about it before – in relation to what was coined as ‘black metal’ and in particular two individuals that were pillars to that ‘scene’ which might be too radical in many terms and I frankly don’t particularly like the music nor agree with everything they say, but I do appreciate in a way how at the time such movement and expression was a way to provoke, to ‘make noise’ literally, shouting and screaming in an attempt to wake people up or attempt to say ‘there is something really wrong going on in our lives’ and turning that into a particular sound, lyrics, and music that became a formula to replicate by many, and it was also a ‘movement’ that wasn’t paid by the same ‘system’ to create rascals or ‘punks’ – misfits and outsiders of the system’. Instead it was born in one of the countries with the ‘highest standards of living’ which is actually also socialist in nature – having several ‘holes’ when it comes to restricting people’s choices and decisions, leading to this ‘perfected’ living experience where in a way, self-responsibility is also left at the hands of ‘the system’ which these artists were intending to explain was something to very much question about such ‘controlled prosperity’ – which is a whole topic in itself that I won’t go to here today.

But, that’s the context of why this ‘outrageous expression’ came up in a form of musical tantrum so to speak lol and how I have been ‘drawn’ to controversial and ‘eccentric’ people because of having the guts to stand in temporary positions to question, challenge, dramatize or expose the reality that may become very ‘normal’ in our eyes and in that, yes arts and other expressions become a way to reflect back to ourselves what are we in fact taking for granted or no longer questioning or realizing about ourselves.

What I noticed is that I have tended to gravitate towards such personalities that seem to be rather provocative in nature and yesterday as I was reviewing one of those interviews again after a couple of years, I saw how the word ‘provocation’ came up and I could relate it to myself, which is an aspect that I’ve had within me my entire life and I mean, this has been there since I was a little child which started as a form of attention seeking through doing some ‘out of the norm’ things and later on it became a way to ‘stand out from the crowds’ and consider myself as ‘special’ while being a teenager; and later on standing as a point of provocation in a more intellectual manner in my early adulthood and throughout starting this process with Desteni as well, where I started ‘speaking up to’ whatever I could find I had a thing or two to criticize about, to spew some ‘facts’ about while at the same time attempting to direct it towards a solution, which might or might not have been the best way to approach it but, as everyone else, this was part of my ‘awakening’ process so to speak and early on reactions to what I was realizing about myself and the world we live have co-created.

Now my usual current reaction to that aspect of myself was of embarrassment because of having judged myself for how antagonistic, critical and sometimes plane arrogant I was when addressing a particular subject and without intending to necessarily ‘blame’ others, the attitude and approach was still coming through within starting point of judgment, of denial of ‘that’ which I was speaking of as a part of myself as well. In essence humbleness was lacking and my role at the time became that of ‘pushing buttons’ to see who I could provoke and get to ‘think and question more,’ which I now understand is simply a part or phase of my life/process wherein I used this ‘tool’ of provocation to stir reactions and within that, attempt to direct towards solutions, but definitely focused so much more in explaining the problem that little was left to actually share how to get to the solution, at an individual level.

That’s how upon hearing again about this initial attempt of people currently labeled as ‘black metal’ that intrigued me for quite some years, I realized that it was also their attempt as teenagers to say something, to ‘wake people up’ with certain lyrics and sounds, but there was no actual discourse being given in a clear manner where people could in fact ‘get’ what it was all about. And it is only through the words of the people involved in that movement now that they’ve grown older that one can understand better what the whole drama was about back in the early nineties.

I could see myself reflected in these individuals’ points of view and ways of ‘speaking their mind’ because I was also very keen on doing that and perceiving that I wasn’t affecting anyone by doing it, until I got to understand a ‘little’ key aspect related to our oneness and equality, who we are as being in fact life and ‘made of the same’ which renders every form of judgment in an attempt to ‘separate’ oneself from that which we judge utterly futile, considering that we can only really ever speak about ourselves no matter how much there is an attempt to ‘expose’ or ‘blame’ or ‘criticize’ others, it’s always us doing it to ourselves anyways.  

And that’s a life-changing realization that led me to currently understand how this provocation that I was attempting to do was a phase, a part of my life – very much like these teenagers that put on make up on their faces and dressed in black clothes in an attempt to disturb and provoke or stand out from the crowds, while forgetting to send a clear message as to ‘what’ they were really wanting o create a statement about – which tends to happen in our lives where I’ve seen in my case how many times I was ‘angry’ at the world and I didn’t even know or investigate within me what ‘exactly’ about it was bothering me. I was apparently just ‘fed up’ about everything, not ever realizing I was fed up and angry at myself because of knowing that there was something to change within me, something to ‘break free from’ and realign to a better version of myself, but I had no way to do it, didn’t even know where to start either, so that’s how many can end up stuck in emotional tantrums ‘against the world’.

That’s how upon getting to Desteni I was able to finally come to understand more about this ‘constant experience’ that I had projected onto the world out there, which was in fact knowing that there could be so much more to life, to my life, to myself than being this angry and despondent individual that would end up bitterly wallowing into depression – yep that was one of the possible outcomes if I had not made the decision to walk this self-awareness and self-change process.

I have to even say that I wasn’t even aware that I was ‘angry’ at all, because it had become me and the very way I look at reality itself, we don’t even realize how anger is also about ourselves knowing that we can in fact do better, become a better individual yet we keep doing the exact same opposite of changing for the better day by day. Instead the seemingly ‘easy’ way out is to do the opposite to that, and it only backfires for the most part, layering up all of the emotional experiences and irresponsibility every moment we don’t stand up from it. So I’ve been walking this process to see what was I in fact uncomfortable and angry about in relation to me, my life, what I was initially not readily willing to admit I had done onto myself and onto life as this world – not only individually but collectively as humanity.

If I had only stayed in that stage or phase of becoming ‘too aware’ of how things work, getting to understand the intricacies of this massive ‘system’ and remained within the idea that ‘I am not part of it, it’s a bunch of other people that created it,’ I would have ended up being mostly a bitter person that would be constantly angry about anything going wrong in this world and possibly would have escalated into a chronic depression and meaningless life… sad but true if I had not been able to become aware of who I really am as this whole creation, where there’s really no separation between ‘you’ and ‘me,’ and that’s the most humbling realization and process of assimilation that led me to ‘take off my shield’ and start peeling off the hard veneer I had grown as forms of intellect, arrogance, righteousness and yes ultimately provocation ‘against others,’ towards developing a much more understanding and eventually humble and gentle approach to who I am as an individual – and so towards others, which yes I’m still very much practicing – that are an equal and one (part) of this whole self that is ourselves.

I remember while going through art school seeing many works and expressions that were intended to do just that, ‘provoke’ yet my constant conclusion on all of it was that I would appreciate a more direct meaning and explanation to what they were in fact trying to do, but most of the times the reality is that we –  because I’ve been there myself – were no different to the black metal people that were trying to cause a stir and disturb in one way or another to potentially ignite a ‘wakeup call’ about what we see is something that is utterly ‘out of place’ or ‘plain wrong’ about our reality, but little do we also investigate within ourselves to see who we are as part of that which we are becoming aware of is not supportive, plain ‘backwards’ or simply outrageous to see it as part of our reality – meaning taking the time to investigate its creation and existence within ourselves first, understanding it and not ‘reacting’ to it but rather coming up with a solution one can live to ‘fix’ that part of self instead..

And that’s what I am grateful I have been able to do and continue doing for myself, to ‘decode’ many times what I wanted to express in a more ‘silent’ manner through certain attitudes ‘against the world’ that I believed could lead me to someone at any point asking me ‘what is it that I was seeing as ‘utterly wrong’ in my reality?’ which never happened by the way, no matter how much pain, sorrow, depression, anger or frustration one can experience about ‘our world, our creation’ it usually leads nowhere but only into a form of personal decay if we don’t stand up from it and instead learn to Act about it.

That’s what one of the guys from this movement has been able to do in his own particular way and set of principles, which is cool that people can give a generally ‘constructive outcome’ to what initially emerged as rage, anger, frustration and plain intellectual antagonism against a society or ‘world system’ or ‘life’ in general. It’s always cool to see artists that can give steps further even beyond only the music, beyond the ‘creations’ that we get to know of them and instead also use their art and creations as bridges to get to know about the person, their lives, principles, what they stand for – which I’ve found becomes a richer process which leads to a more clear, direct and less speculative message when getting to hear the words and see the lives of these people – or at least how they show it.

And this is also another point I wanted to remind myself about which I had also found frustrating when trying to communicate only through an image, where I had not linked it to words, and sometimes where I had not even actually gotten to understand myself and what I really wanted to say and express in relation to a point of creation. Whereas now, I am definitely interested in being able to express the process behind any point of expression and how it relates to a personal reflection, because this is precisely how art becomes meaningful if and when we decide to make of our lives something meaningful as well, and this is then not only limited to creating a piece of art in itself, it extends to any point or aspect of self-creation ultimately as the creators that we all are, and that’s how ‘speculation’ can be somewhat prevented when we are direct and upfront on what we stand for, what we express, the principles behind it, the part of ourselves that is invested on creating anything in our lives and with that, being able to stand in the world as a self-created piece of art really, not one that is only following the pre-established lines of our particular contexts and coincidences that led us to ‘be here,’ but where we truly take the wheel of our lives into the direction that we decide to give to ourselves.

Now that’s the kind of people that I also get inspired by, even if I don’t fully ‘agree’ with them and their views, ways of living or thinking – but the sheer act of having that independence, that drive, self-respect and commitment to stay ‘true to themselves’ is something cool about us as human beings, even more so if it is geared to living in a common sensical, supportive, self-responsible and self-aware manner, which is what I want to continue being able to express and share in whichever means and ways I can in and as my life.

So! Where do I stand in relation to provocation today? It is a word that I can redefine, removing the extra energy-buzz that I’d get from ‘provoking’ others through words or looks or actions in an attempt to ‘wake others up’ – which is then mostly using a ‘shock’ factor to attempt to make others ‘do something’ about it without even explaining ‘what’ exactly. Instead I take the word provocation entirely back to myself, where there is no longer that need or attempt to ‘make others react’ or ‘make others think,’ but simply express myself, my life, my creations as a statement in itself, a ‘this is who I am and how I live’ without having ‘others’ in my mind as the starting point to my self-challenge, lol because it is about myself anyways.

This is how I walk through the provocation intended to stimulate others in a reactive manner and instead simply continue provoking myself, which in its root meaning implies ‘challenging’ myself within the context of stepping out of my self-defined limits, out of the ‘religion of self’ and into an expansion, a growth which I’ll also be now doing in terms of letting my hair grow back after 7 years of what I can consider a very relevant phase of deconstruction, understanding, ‘death of self’ and rebirth that I’ve been going through as of late, which is a phase I also want to link this phase of having shaved my head as a statement that I now see of course remains within me beyond looks, where it is now me transitioning into a new phase where I want to deliberately mark the self-creation and self-expansion phase.

Sure enough, being bald was another way of provoking myself, challenging myself for quite a prolonged time I’d say and it worked well considering how many ‘issues’ about self-image would come up every time that anyone would kind of cringe about it, which I’ve also then realized is seldom something that leads to an actual in depth point of understanding as to ‘why’ I did it, which also proves back to myself that yes, I did it for myself and the test is sufficiently done. Now it’s going in the reverse way, challenging myself to grow it back which I had frankly now resisted to do, partly because I’ll lose some benefits like getting better seats in airplanes or free ice lollies… I am sorry about that confusion; it was always just me shaving my hair daily.

 I realized I have to reinvent myself, which is no different to re-create or create myself in a different way and continue stepping out of comfort zones, because that’s what leads to expansion, embracing, getting to connect more with others, getting out of ‘fixed ways’ which to me is definitely something I want to continue challenging in various ways.

Ok! Who knew that one single word could open up so many things to me? Yep! Taken back to self, keeping challenging myself instead of ‘putting up a fight’ against the world lol.

Thanks for reading.

 

 

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148. Transcending Anger through Breathing – A Commitment.

Walking Self Forgiveness, Self Corrective Statements and Commitments from the previous post 147. Hissy Fit: Cleaning Demonic Possession

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘one of my greatest fears’ finding a house absolutely dirty after I leave for a while, which means that I actually allowed myself to exist as a predictable reaction to seeing ‘a very messy/ dirty house’ even though I ‘believed’ that I was ‘over with it,’ without realizing that the moment that I allowed a point of reaction in that very thought just prior to entering the house about ‘finding a mess,’ I was already preparing myself to react in anger If I did find such a mess – and I did thus

When and as I see myself actually fearing leaving the house for a while and within this fearing getting back because of finding a potential mess, I stop and I breathe – I realize that within allowing such fears as future projections, I am in fact giving permission for the event to take place as I am in fact the creator of everything and all that I experience – thus it is to see, realize and understand how I have defined ‘who I am’ as this fear of ‘finding a messy house’ wherein I realize I can only breathe, and Ensure that I do not participate in the anger that is predictable to emerge.

I see and realize that the anger must be transcended, which is something that I realize now, as I do agree that being angry is only throwing a tantrum toward myself alone, attempting to get any attention in a futile manner, as I was all alone when I got to see the mess – thus even if there was people, it is to realize that getting angry won’t change them, getting angry won’t actually create a point of awareness toward others about ‘them missing their responsibilities at home.’ This is about myself and my own participation in what I had feared to experience as myself which is anger.

I commit myself to walk the process of transcending/ breathing through any attempt to create anger as an experience upon seeing dirt/ a dirty house and within this, stopping any thoughts that point out toward a fear of finding a dirty house. Within this, it is to assist and support myself to ground myself as the moment to face whatever is here, and as such, immediately just direct myself to do what I did anyways which is cleaning – I realize I can do it without adding the extra layer of anger to make it more cheesy – lol.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I cannot possibly live in a dirty house,’ as this is quite a justification for me to get angry because ‘THEY’ are Not considering that they live with ‘OTHERS’ which mostly imply myself as the primary person that gets ‘pissed off’ at dirtiness  – thus

When and as I see myself thinking ‘I cannot possibly live in a dirty house,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am thinking thoughts to justify a coming experience of anger toward others, instead of assisting and supporting myself to actually say No, I won’t participate in anger and the usual marlenesque reactions of actually exerting y anger onto the stuff around me which is absolutely unacceptable and a clear mind possession. Thus

I commit myself to STOP every time that I see myself thinking that ‘I cannot possibly live in a dirty house’ as I realize that this is the prelude to throwing a tantrum and as such, the primary ‘convincing self-talk’ in order to become possessed in anger for real. I realize It’s not necessary to get angry if the things are done and furthermore, thinking to myself is simply making myself the victim of the situation and as such righteous when it comes to reacting, which is in all cases, a mind experience that I see and realize I must walk through/ as breath to Deliberately stop it – and this is the commitment to walk as self.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an imagination point of my plans going ‘smoothly’ wherein I pictured myself getting back early at home and immediately ‘jumping’ to do all my tasks and stuff, but instead encountering a very dirty kitchen and as such upon deciding that it cannot remain one more second like that, I pushed my plans aside to dedicate hours to clean it up, which is what pissed me off within the belief that ‘Why would I have to disrupt my plans for this? Why do I have to clean up someone else’s mess?’ – and within this, only creating further justifications and excuses as to why I can simply be pissed off at ‘the world’ in that moment because My routine was broken and my plans as the future projection of my ‘perfect schedule’ was tampered with this eventuality,

When and as I see myself getting pissed off at some eventuality disrupting my future plans , I stop and I breathe – I realize that I live in a world wherein we can ‘plan’ the perfect schedule, however we are subject to eventualities and points that one cannot control – thus, I assist and support myself to simply breathe and decide in that moment to take the time to clean up if I see and realize it is absolutely necessary to do so, and support myself to breathe through it, ensuring that I am aware of what I am using to clean, what and how I am moving things around, considering that I cannot just exert my anger upon the stuff around me as they are clearly not to blame, and certainly I cannot blame either but simply bring the point to the responsible people’s awareness in order for them to be aware of what they did, and the responsibility we all hold within living together.

I commit myself to be flexible/ pliable in terms of my routine/ schedule and plans wherein I breathe through any eventuality that may push the plans back, as I see and realize that getting angry won’t solve the problem, getting angry won’t make someone do the job for me, and instead I support myself to remind me how detrimental to my physical body it is to get angry, wherein pain is a certain thing after getting angry.

I realize that any beliefs of being ‘over anger’ are certainly bogus, this is a process and as such, it will be walked in space and time and in such case I can instead see this event as a way to measure where I am within my process of facing anger as myself, and this time realizing that I must get to a point of being able to stop all participation in anger in a constant and consistent manner, as this is the only way that I can ensure I am really here in the physical.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse ‘I am wasting time’ as a way to justify my anger for having to clean up/ use time to clean up something out of my schedule, without realizing that I haven’t actually been that ‘strict’ with myself and my schedule and that even if I was, once again, I am living in a world wherein there’s a thousand factors that have factored for us to be and become who and what we are now, which is placing into perspective my desire to ‘be in control of my environment, my time, my plans,’ as an actual point of ego, as within these thoughts there is no consideration of what is best for all, how can I assist and support myself to walk through actual events in reality that must be corrected – and instead, have focused only on ‘wasting time’ without realizing that this point was part of ‘my time’ to face anger as myself and as such see where and how I still react to it and what points require further consistency in application to eventually be able to stand in any given situation and not get angry at it, but simply use that driving force to give proper direction and self-support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat: ‘I leave and everyone just stops giving a fuck about cleaning at all,’ wherein I am placing myself as the necessary ‘ogre’ to keep a relative order within the house, without realizing that I am in fact only reinforcing the idea of myself as the ‘order maker’ and as such, believing that ‘I’ and my absence is the only cause for such mess to exist, without realizing it is actually factoring and stemming from the habits of other beings, thus

When and as I see myself thinking that everything falls apart here when I’m not home, I stop and I breathe – I realize that it is not about me, it is not about blaming others but instead walking the practical solutions in the moment to later on be able to communicate the point within practical considerations instead of wanting to blame or even scold others for not doing their point of responsibility, as I see and realize that within believing that it is ‘their fault,’ I take a self-righteous position to not support them – thus it is to keep it simple.

I commit myself to stop making myself the ‘order maker’ and as such embodying that ‘authority’ as a character that certainly dislikes mess/ dirty environments, thus it is to simply let go of any reaction in the moment, breathe, assist and support myself to focus on the physical activities and that’s it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to do what I thought they would, without realizing that within this I am wanting them to be ‘changed’ after 2 years of living together, and them at all times ‘considering me,’ without realizing how I cannot claim any righteousness to be angry upon others, as I see that anger is that point of self interest and even more so when projected onto others. Thus

When and as I see myself creating anger upon a point of disappointment because of not having been able to find a clean house, I stop and I breathe – I assist and support myself to realize that within this I am still trying to control others and as such, I realize that I cannot possibly try and control my environment when I am not even fully aware of myself, my entire body that I am in fact abusing every moment that I participate in thoughts, emotions and feelings, all the beings that have to ‘endure’ my anger as I push/throw things around and yell as if doing all of that could make any difference to the actuality of the physical reality and events.

I commit myself to stop expecting people changing, stop expecting things to ‘get better’ as I see and realize this was the ‘hope’ that I held toward others and as such, meeting my maker when realizing and coming to see how things have not changed and as such, realizing that we won’t change from overnight or a couple of years as we have lived for several lifetimes within the same mind frame without ever actually changing who we are, thus I cannot expect others to change/ do what I ‘think/ assume’ they would – Instead, I assist and support myself to take responsibility for what goes on Within my own mind, what I decide to participate in or not and within this, walk my own process of self-change wherein I can in fact stop re-creating the ‘cleanliness’ character and anger upon ‘dirtiness’ as the positive and negative experience existent within and as me at a mind level.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘why can’t THEY take Responsibility for cleaning up after ALL THIS TIME’ wherein I was expecting them to ‘already know/ change/ act’ upon that which I thought was ‘very clear’ by now, without realizing that it will actually take time for ourselves and our world to change and actually align ourselves to be self responsible at all times. I also see and realize how I diverted my attention from ME to THEM/ THEY as a way to not see and realize that the point of focus and attention should be here as myself within and as breath to not react and justify the reaction with further thinking as self-interest to make myself the ‘victim’ of it all.

When and as I see myself diverting the point of responsibility of change toward others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the moment I am backchatting about ‘they’ is actually a flag point wherein I must immediately realize that I am talking myself into a righteous-anger mode, which won’t ever change the situation, it won’t change ‘them’ or myself, it is in fact an unnecessary and actually physically damaging experience to go through anger as a way to apparently make myself ‘righteous’ to get angry at the point of abuse. I realize that within this all that exists is me and my thoughts and a messy kitchen – thus, I realize that if I have taken the decision to clean up, I can do so while slowing myself down to breathe through it, realizing and understanding that getting angry does not change others or myself in that moment, it is only a plain tantrum thrown around whenever we would want things to ‘go our way,’ without considering the actual physical reality but only our wishes/ desires of How we want to see the world/ reality around us.

I commit myself to actually take responsibility for myself first as this is where I am responsible and this is where I can actually see where and how I am still reacting to a point that I am diverting my responsibility toward, wherein I see and realize that reacting in anger does not support life at all, and it is only the predictable counter act to ‘fall’ into participating in the mind – thus I stop and realize that to take Self Responsibility means self toward self as one’s own thoughts, reactions and backchat in order to Live.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘It is impossibly that at this stage they are STILL doing this even though they know it is unacceptable’ wherein I allow myself to think this in order to be righteous about my anger, without realizing how I ‘know’ and ‘they know’ only as this point of past experiences of similar events wherein further conflict ensued when not supporting/ collaborating to take responsibility properly for what we do/ don’t do in our reality. I realize that I cannot focus on wanting others to change but instead assist and support me to stop reacting to my own point of change which implies stopping at all the anger, transcending anger breath by breath within the realization that it is unacceptable to drain my physical body when getting angry .

When and as I see myself thinking about others STILL making the same mistakes/ repeating the same patterns and using this as fuel for the conflagration, I stop and I breathe – I realize that within these words I am victimizing myself in my mind and actually diverting my attention and responsibility outside of myself, judging others instead of taking the point back to self to see where I am STILL also repeating the same predictable patterns of ‘anger upon messiness/dirtiness’ and within that, assist and support me to first stop me here as breath to then realize the backchat as the mind possession that it represents.

I commit myself to live as the example of what it is to ‘know’ one’s mind and patterns and what it is to Live/ apply the corrective statements to in order and in fact stop reacting to ‘dirtiness/ messiness’ as all the points that I have defined as ‘an obstacle’ to live, without realizing that cleaning does not obstruct life, and it is in fact the other way around how I disrupt life every time that I only consider me and only me within my own tantrums. Thus I realize it is unacceptable to divert blame onto others and instead focus on my own application at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘why can’t they have a bit of consideration’ wherein I am diverting all responsibility toward them ‘considering me’ and my special needs, without realizing that in doing so, I am victimizing myself in my mind in order to justify the anger that I then exert onto things and in the moment cursing all I can in order to ‘relieve’ myself, without realizing that such ‘relief’ and entire anger was actually the accumulation of my own backchat and reactions from previous events, wherein this event was the ‘drop of water that made the glass spill’ as they say here. Thus

When and as I see myself victimizing myself toward others and pleading them to ‘have a bit of consideration’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that within this all, I was only considering myself as my mind and that’s it – because I was in fact abusing my physical body when creating such point of anger – thus it is to first consider Me and have full consideration of myself as my physical that is the one that is abused every time that I only seek to validate my ‘anger’ and justify it through my own backchat, which is me as the mind justifying its means and ways to direct myself instead of me being self aware here as breath, wherein I can instead simply direct myself in the moment within common sense, which is cleaning while breathing to support myself to not react at all.

I commit myself to consider my physical body first here as breath before accepting and allowing myself to be and become any mind pattern that is self-destructive and detrimental – I realize that the first consideration is toward our physical body.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘cursing’ as a way to justify why I feel so ‘damned’ by others, without realizing that cursing in such moments is only fueling my anger and as such, it is not supportive at all as cursing won’t make me a better person/ nor will it change someone upon hearing such words – thus

When and as I see myself wanting to curse to justify my anger toward someone, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am aware of what I am doing in such moments and as such, it is to take on the deliberate action of stopping, as I see and realize that getting angry only drains me as my physical body and cursing only adds ‘fuel to the fire’ – thus, it is to instead assist and support myself to breathe and remain here as the physical, breathing, stopping all backchat and internal conversations about others – Instead I focus on myself as the physical.

I commit myself to transcend anger and as such only speak words that I realize are an actual expression of myself in the moment, that are self directed and not just reactions stemming from a self-righteous point of anger as myself –

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by my own mind wherein I believe myself to be a ‘prisoner’ of my reactions as something that I ‘have a right to experience’ without realizing how in such ‘righteousness’ I am in fact deciding to diminish myself to only be a fraction of a point of awareness in my mind as that anger possession, forgetting about everything and all that is here as the physical and as such, becoming a consequence of my own thoughts as a reaction, instead of remaining here within and as breath.

When and as I see myself simply seeing myself as a ‘prisoner’ and a ‘victim’ of my own anger, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I absolutely have all the power to stop in one single breath, as I see and realize how it is that it is actually a deliberate action that I must take on in order to stop our reactions and experiences, and that anger won’t change a thing within ourselves, thus instead we have to focus on aligning ourselves to consider what to do practically in the moment and direct such practical solutions breath by breath, deliberately making a stand to stop reacting in an emotional way toward a point of what I have called ‘abuse.’

I commit myself to realize that it takes time to change and that getting angry won’t change a thing, and that I am the only one that is able to determine myself as my own point of change

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually experience a point of powerlessness when facing a point of abuse and instead of going into that ‘helplessness’ I bring up ‘anger’ as way to victimize myself within the situation and justify my reaction as something that ‘I have the right to do,’ without realizing that anger won’t ever solve the point of abuse itself.

When and as I see myself wanting to immediately get angry upon a point of abuse, I see and realize that the actual experience is that of powerlessness and that there is actually nothing I can do to change the point in the moment, as we have lived entire lifetimes within endless points of abuse toward ourselves, each other and the Earth itself. Thus

I commit myself to walk this process without judging myself for ‘falling’ into anger and thinking that ‘I should have transcended this by now,’ without realizing that it will take time to change the points that cause the anger in the first place and as such, focus on myself and my own reactions absolutely so that I do not allow anger to lead me to powerlessness and as such, diminishing myself to only be this ‘one’ limited point as anger-possession over something that is in fact something rather trivial.

I realize that if I would be aware of all the things and points that go on in the world, I would be ‘dead by anger’ from reacting to all of them – thus I realize that in order to face myself and face the consequences of what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in, I establish myself here as breath to no longer create a point of possession in my mind upon something that is already done, that is already taking place wherein anger as such won’t ‘change a thing’ anyways – thus, I support myself to stand as the realization that changing who we are, changing our reactions, changing ourselves in fact requires an actual process to walk, thus it is futile to get angry and possessed by a point that won’t be solved overnight. Yet I assist and support myself to stop the unnecessary experiences within me toward/ as anger itself.

 

I realize that I ‘knew’ what I was doing and did it anyways which implies that:

 

“…every time I say ‘I know’ – I am in fact justifying ‘who I am’ as only this observer/presence/knowledge in and as my relationship to the Mind and so essentially every single time, reiterating and validating my limitation, victimization and powerlessness to/as the Mind as me.” – Sunette Spies

Thus, I commit myself to get to in fact know me so that I no longer stand as a victim within a deliberate participation in anger and saying ‘I know’ that I did and did it anyways, as this implies an actual point of ignorance toward the abuse that we inflict upon ourselves and the whole whenever we take on a self-righteous position of ‘I know’ without really knowing how in fact this statement is a way out to not face ourselves – I face myself and commit myself to live the words here.

Walk with us, learning about ourselves: who we are as the Mind, as the Physical and the relationship that we have Missed all this time seeking for ourselves ‘outside’ of ourselves instead of realizing ourselves here as the life that has always been here. It is a matter of realizing: We are here, we are not going anywhere, thus we stand up and walk any point of conflict/ problem within our coexistence by assisting and supporting ourselves individually to stand as a collective that is able to live by the principle of what is best for all life.

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System 

 

Blogs:

• Day 148: Swopping Places

• Yes, I KNOW!!! – Part 2: DAY 148

Recommended interviews:

– Life Review – A Doomsday Activist

– Life Review – My Life with being Cursed

 

Other posts in relation to anger:

94. In-Sin–Irate: Anger Issues

95. Any Abuse is Always Self-Abuse

89. Righteous Victim

88. The Victim

87. Tantrum-me

131. Stop Yourself with Self Forgiveness before You Kill someone

121. Childhood Anti-Social Behavior

120. ‘I don’t like breaking my routine’

108. ‘Like Father, Like Son’

104. Anger Intimidation in Communication

Anger towards Authority

Madly in Anger

Street Fury: Is this the Solution?

Getting angry when directing others

Orderly Control– Self-Exposure for Self Correction

Anger – out of control

Victimization

frustration/anger/sadness

147. Hissy Fit: Cleaning Demonic Possession

 

Today after listening to the Whale interviews – which supported me to also get back ‘down to Earth’ after getting pissed off at irresponsible situations going on ‘at home’ –  I realized how Thinking is Self Interest even if such interest in this case is getting pissed off and KNOWING IT – and still acting out on it  – furthermore I realized how through thinking we have denied/closed off and diminished ourselves to only see a VERY limited version of our reality, we get stuck on a minute version of what WE are able to see, realize and understand and experience in our minds only, while there’s an entire existence going on in this reality with beings that are far more aware than ourselves about us human beings and this entire existence while we simply decide to annihilate and exterminate animals for whatever reason we might ‘think’ it is appropriate to do so. Wow, really, wow – and all of this I realized after going through one of Marlen’s greatest fears:  finding a house absolutely dirty after I leave for only a week after several months.

1st point: my ‘plans’ were disturbed (pattern of getting out of routine/ expected future projection) the moment that I came in and saw the mess – and decide that I have to clean it up as there is no way I can leave the mess as is for one more second.

– – Thoughts: I cannot possibly let this all remain as is, it is unbelievable, I have to clean it all up

— Imagination: this existed as an image that came up during the first hours of the day and future projecting myself being back home, in my ‘work space’ and focusing on my tasks.I was aiming at getting back home early and get back on track to everything that I had to do – instead, I spent hours cleaning and arranging what was ‘my own fear/ nightmare’ in terms of precisely having evading leaving the city for

1. wasting time

2. coming back and finding an entire mess in the house – kitchen specifically as I obviously have no say in people’s rooms

Backchat chart:

• – I leave and everyone just stops giving a fuck about cleaning at all
• – this is WHY I don’t like fucking leaving the house, everything turns into a mess when I’m not around here
• – why can’t THEY take Responsibility for cleaning up after ALL THIS TIME!
• – It is IMPOSSIBLE that at this stage, they are STILL doing this even though they KNOW it is unacceptable
• -WHY Can’t they just have a BIT of consideration
• – And endless coursing that ‘I KNEW’ I was shouting out loud

 

Yes, anger, I have written about it for a long time – and even remembering when I was so surprised when anger was like a point that I had simply covered up with an image of ‘Everything is just fine in the world!’ and when getting to see the actuality of it all, anger emerged – suppressed realization of what I had deliberately neglected/ dismissed in my reality and then deliberately acting upon anger itself. Yes, Deliberately – and this can lead to Who am I as Deliberate acting-out in anger?

What are the physical points within this mind-cleaning-demonic-possession frame of mind within acting out in anger: Grabbing all the dishes piled up on the sink with all the food clogging the tube and tossing them into a wooden box, grabbing the cleaning gloves, sponges, detergent/ cleaning liquid and spilling it all over the stove, tables, sink to start scrubbing away the ‘dirt’ – every spot I would turn my eyes to, I’d find just some other fine mess –  gather all the rotting organic garbage out of the kitchen, take out the trash, grab broom and start sweeping to then mix water and literally throw water on the floor to clean it, all of it while cursing and pushing stuff that would be deliberately ‘standing on my way.’  It’s not the first time that happens and I have ‘vowed’ myself to stop it, however in my mind the self-righteous point of ‘I CAN get angry because there is No responsibility taken’ emerges. The backchat in such moment was actually spoken out loud, and – here comes the point -‘I KNOW/ I KNEW’ that I was doing it, I was ‘perfectly aware of it’ – then, why didn’t I stop? – I have written about self-righteousness when getting angry about abuse, and so I had the opportunity to ask Enlil today about confusion with regards to this righteousness to be angry and the relationship formed when facing any situation of abuse.  Yes, Enlil, Mr. Relationship-formations co-founder of humanity Inc.

Marlen, lol – seems you really want to be/become angry at abuse –

that’s cool, meaning that is a ‘first step’ – but what happens when you get angry is that the abuse wins, because you react – the same as when bullied, for example –

you react in terms of what the bully intended, the bully wins, the system is throwing things at humanity’s face essentially to have you react, cause the moment you react, you’re powerless cause the mind takes over in that moment,

and every time you react – you react, and don’t use the time in-between to stand / establish solutions, everyone is in some way or another angry and always have been, but there come a time when the anger must be transcended, must take a breath, must realise it’s here and must realise it’s going to take time to change and self getting angry about it won’t change it, and doesn’t make self a better person for being angry
 

what does determine self is what you walk to change it in the actions you live

 

the anger, it’s also an interesting point because in a way one rather want to get angry than having to admit to the point that it’s going to take time to change; like we don’t want to go to that realisation that it’s going to take time, there’s nothing one can do about it RIGHT NOW – so it’s a fear of going into that realisation, that it is too late to change it all NOW, and that it’s going to be a process and so we get angry, more at ourselves really and the sense of powerlessness we experience; but you cannot let the anger/powerlessness diminish you

 

– Pointer to look at within this context:  

• –I Expected ‘them’ to Already Know that they Have to clean/ take the trash out/ leave the kitchen clean before leaving for the weekend
• – I ‘hoped’ it would happen, I believed that I didn’t have to remind them because I ‘assumed’ that they are aware of what they have to do after (adding more ‘charge to the possession’) 2 years of being living together
• — I was aware of being angry and deliberately deciding to shout and curse in that moment – who am I within this moment and this split second decision? I take the point of being righteous as the mind and decide to get possessed by the moment, wherein, as Enlil clarified: cause the moment you react, you’re powerless cause the mind takes over in that moment, and this justified from the self-righteous desire to say: “It is Unbelievable that they Still haven’t gotten the point, they can’t be self-responsible about their own shit”

 

What do we have? Anger projected at others within the realization that I in fact ‘expected’ others to act/ be / do what I expected them to do, realizing that after ‘all this time’ they haven’t changed and still require policeman in the head to change – believing that because we’ve had confrontations about the same cleaning thing in the past, they would ‘learn’ from it and change, meaning: this time ensuring they do take care of their own stuff while I’m not at home – Believing that we have ‘matured’ our relationship as house mates and they were ‘doing better’ now – in terms of being more considerate – Believing that 2 years would be enough to change an entire lifetime of personal habits of cleaning just because of ‘being living here’  –  believing that they would read notes on the wall of what to do and what not to do, not realizing we as humanity have done all of this and taken it to the next level of negligence, sometimes or the majority of the times.

 

And if I actually look at it from the perspective Enlil shared here, it was me in fact feeling ‘powerless’ because they were not at home for me to exert my anger onto them and shout in from of their face – as I write I realize that I am trying to bring up other points like them leaving the door  of the house open in order for me to get some condescending readers about this, but no. I realized  how I was angry at myself for having expected the house to be a particular way – not meeting my expectations that were also a possibility to turn into a fear and so, some equations took place and I reacted to this point/ event that could have been the outflow.

 

Being Self-Honest, I was in fact angry at me getting angry at the exact same type of situations I thought I was ‘transcended’ or not as ‘reactive’ as before – however, I still went into it, I ‘did it anyway’ and as such, this deliberate acts have consequences for not having actually breathed through it and simply direct myself to still clean up everything as I had realized I would from the get go . My body hurts in various spots as I realize that any little strain it is as painful as having run a marathon in a matter of hours.

And if we look at the points wherein I am projecting blame on to others, it is in fact the exact same points we ALL do. I ‘know’ I should stop, but I ‘gave into’ the anger anyways – and it is a point that I see and realize is not to be further judged, but realized as a simple way to reflect how everything that we judge about others is in fact what I am doing within myself.

I also realize I can only react to such an extent if I have in fact accumulated negative energy-experiences as thoughts that I can only exert as a point of accumulation triggered by apparent ‘external factors.’ I see that in the moment that I saw the overflowing pile of dishes, I ‘made the decision’ to become possessed in anger – and it’s is a fuckup, yes but I am also seeing how it works, and this is also thanks to the  Quantum Mind Self Awareness interviews to see how we in fact do have a moment to decide who and what we decide to be and exist as in every moment: breath or a mind-possession taking over.

Thinking, becoming emotional, and justifying anger is still of the mind as only a mind can react according to its own parameters of what is dirty, what is abuse, what is ‘too much’ based on memory – so, it’s to remember:

the anger must be transcended, must take a breath, must realise it’s here and must realise it’s going to take time to change and self getting angry about it won’t change it, and doesn’t make self a better person for being angry

 

So, I’ll be walking the various points here now that I’ve laid out the plot, the spoiler and placed the point into perspective to see where and how shoving away our thoughts can also create an accumulation that awaits to be exerted at the least ‘provocation’ –

Is it really necessary to live this way? No, it is not living, it is only reacting as expected based on patterns – who do I decide to be: a predictable pattern or a physical body that decides to walk the points – any point – as breath?

I Choose Life. Self Responsibility at all times

Desteni

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System

7 Year Journey To Life 

 

MUST Read Blogs

to Understand who we are as the Mind, what we have done As the mind and our commitment to stop continuing this reality as is due to our accepted and allowed participation:

• Yes, I KNOW!!! – Part 1: DAY 147

• Day 147: Followers

• Day 113: Postponement Character Self Commitment Statements

   

Ever wondered what Real Enlightenment can be? I discovered it today, the most humbling interviews are the ones directed by the Animal Kingdom at Eqafe, revealing ourselves how little-to-nothing do we in fact ‘know’ about ourselves – time to realize what is real, fellow humans:

A humbling series of explanations about LIFE, the animal kingdom, marine biology and human communication – this is the first seAssion with the whales and all you’ll end up realizing is how on Earth could we ever claim any form of ‘scientific evolution’ or human evolution for that matter while disregarding the beings that are in fact Aware of themselves as this entire existence – and what are we human beings doing onto them? We all know – Time to OPEN OUR EYES and Educate ourselves with something that has Never ever been shared in the history of humanity, it’s about time we HEAR what we never even ‘thought’ would be possible.

• Consciousness of the Whale – Part 1

• Consciousness of the Whale – Part 2

• Consciousness of the Whale – Part 3

• Consciousness of the Whale – Part 4

94. In-Sin–Irate: Anger Issues

Have we stopped ourselves to consider in what way we gnaw and eat up our very physical body the moment that we participate in anger or any other emotion/ feeling experience? If we were really aware of ourselves as our human physical body, we would be aware of how the very thoughts we have consume our physicality in order to create such emotion or feeling in any given moment – we never dare to question how such ENERGETIC experiences are created, while even the name is indicating obviously: something must be consumed in order to fuel such experiences. Yet, we never looked into ourselves and only decided to accept and allowed energetic experiences as ‘who we are’ – because: ‘oh I am this that I experience in my body, I must act on it’ – and never ever questioning or even being able to fully see and realize what we are participating in the moment that we react in one single split of a second toward another in an emotion or feeling. One single shift from being here as breath and we can know: we’re mind possessed.

 

Anger

incinerate
n verb destroy (something, especially waste material) by burning

Yesterday I went out for my walk earlier than usual due to the storms that have been going on here. When I was already on my way back, I first saw this young male walking with a seemingly desperate and rather ‘uncontrollable’ dog – and I saw he had a wooden stick with him – a thick branch to be precise – and I immediately reacted to that within the realization that he would hit the dog with it, but I could not pull out the usual burning anger that I would experience before, it was just like paralyzing inside myself  in the moment and I simply started following them based on thoughts like ‘this is unacceptable/ I must do something about this/ what can I possibly do?’ I walked a bit quicker in order to be right behind him, then I saw that other three males – same age – were handling one dog each with the same behavioral characteristics: angry dogs barking at all dogs in the neighborhood, being seemingly uncontrollable – each one of the males had a similar thick branch on the other hand – I could not compute in that moment because I was only ‘making up my mind’ trying to figure out why the first dog I had seen seemed so uncontrollable and angry, having to be hit that way to behave.

 

I started deliberately walking right behind the four of them, I went into a point of possession wherein I wanted to pull out the anger that would usually drive me in the past to go and shout or even wanting to hit them – but I couldn’t. I ‘felt powerless’ but not in an emotional way, like actually having no ability to ‘pull out the anger’ I was used to experiencing in such moments/ events. I realized that it was not appropriate to go and shout at them because they were 4 males, with 4 angry dogs, with 4 thick branches and I was alone.

 

In a way within my mind, yet it didn’t even seem like thinking, I wanted to curse them to death – and I couldn’t. I could not even pull out some hatred. It was fascinating to see this unfolding, like slow camera movement where Marlen would want to just beat them to death in my mind with words or even pictures, and I couldn’t. Anyways, so as I approached them through walking behind them, I could just utter the following words in the moment – ‘Is this why you have your dog for? To hit him?’ – And obviously the young man didn’t bother at all, I was not grasping the whole picture in that moment  – and as I walked right behind the four of them I approached the second one and told him ‘Is this what you have your dog for? TO hit him? – and I managed to pull out some other words – ‘Would you want to be hit the same way you do onto him?’ and he just didn’t reply, he only made a gesture of ‘I couldn’t care less/ maybe I’d like to’ – So, there was no answer obviously. I realized it was pointless to continue doing anything about it.

 

Then I realized what they actually were as the whole picture: people that train dogs for dog fights – hence the attitude of the dogs and the males with the wooden sticks with them. It is their “job.”

 

The point here is that I wanted to be as angry as I could, I was wanting to just burst out in absolute anger toward them in that moment, and I couldn’t – and this strangely so felt like I was powerless = not moving by energy inside – however it was more of a concrete experience inside me that I could not even direct some ‘angry thoughts’ toward them.  I followed them until the corner where they went straight ahead, and I just stood there on the corner watching them and all I could think of is breathe – breathe – breathe – breathe – and so I did. After a couple of minutes of just deliberately standing there to see where they would go up to, I realized that there was no point in continuing that, so I turned to the right and followed my way back home.

 

In the past – and I’m talking about 4 years ago when I started becoming aware of the abuse in this world – I witnessed similar events and I remember becoming like a tornado inside me, filled with rage that I used as a fuel to approach the man that was dragging the dog on the street – I told this story in a video minute 3:49 – and I would react in boiling anger, ready to just torture another with my anger there, ready to shout and scream – and this time, I could not do that, even though a part of me wanted to. Another point is that I kept myself  grounded wherein, even in the moment that I approached the two males that I managed to talk to them,  I was just like a rock not really speaking in an  irate manner, even though I wanted to.

 

This is to reveal how out of habit, I would have wanted to make an entire drama out of the situation, shouting or getting myself ‘into trouble’ just for the sake of ‘making them see’ – but as I saw their reactions when I asked them the questions, I knew that I had to stop and not go any further.

 

So, the word that came up is ‘incinerate’ which sounds like in-sin-irate and how I had a moment there wherein I actually ‘wanted’ to be angry, me as the mind wanted to just bring up anger and lash out onto them and I couldn’t. Which is irrational because I knew beforehand ‘not to react’ but again looking at the event happening in front of me is more of a trigger point to face self-honesty to.

 

I was talking about this type of situations two days ago, and I myself had suggested not to intervene in such moments of witnessing abuse onto others – children, animals – as we do not know how they would react – and I was seeing with my eyes how it was 4 males, 4 dogs, wooden sticks – I really went too far to even approach them. So, to explain the point: ‘I ‘felt’ like I had to go and speak up to them however I felt like in an entire possession in that moment when I drove myself to speak to them. It was not directed by some churning inside me as in the past, but I did speak up to them.

 

I have explained before how I would deal with extensive anger toward everything and everyone – and I’ve certainly ‘slowed down’ in that, to the point wherein I cannot describe if what I did experience yesterday was anger, because I didn’t ‘feel it’ as the usual energetic experience – however, the realization here is:

 

– I cannot place myself in such situations of absolute risk just to let people know what they already know they are doing in the moment – even more so when seeing the whole picture and the reason behind such actions: dog fights = money/ business/ males getting paid to take care of the dogs = they won’t stop doing it as it is their job

 

– My reaction was based on thinking – meaning that I assessed the situation according to what I thought was ‘right’ to do in the moment, even if I was expecting myself to suddenly get absolutely and extremely angry, I couldn’t – which was a point of being grounded to realize that I could not possibly take the point further than approaching them with simple questions.

 

– I also directed myself to realize in that moment that If I witnessed the entire abuse that goes on in the world, I would have incinerated myself due to/ because of reacting to it all – we cannot possibly ‘make a change’ to a chain of events and situations wherein money is being the driving point, wherein the consideration of animals as ‘less than humans’ is a culturally ingrained fuckup for ages in humanity – I cannot stop what is currently being experienced by billions – I can only stop myself.

 

– I realize that in situations like that on the street, I had reacted in extreme anger wherein the usual desire is to just shout and flip the finger to them, as if that could ‘offend them’ or take them to a realization, without seeing that their actions are in essence already proof of what they are willing to do because of money, and how I have no context in any way whatsoever within the entire situation – but only wanting to react based on the obvious point of abuse, which is a constant point in our entire reality. Thus I see that I partake obviously in such point of abuse by simply accepting and allowing myself to exist within the current world that we are in the way it is, and not doing a thing about it – until now that we are beginning to STOP ourselves from being the very perpetuators of the same fighting/ battling eternal separation system that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become.

 

– I realize that I cannot expose myself that way, meaning – I walk alone, I am alone and I cannot possibly confront others that are clearly more, with ‘tools’ that could be harmful as well as the dogs themselves that seemed angry as hell. This is what we have become, using dogs to fight to satisfy some human being’s desire to see dogs attacking each other to fuel some mind mechanism that is pleasured when seeing wrestling, fighting – thus who I am within it all? Seeing where and how I am fighting myself, or wanting to fight others in the name of ‘doing something right,’ without taking into consideration the actual chain of events and consequences that could ensue from this point of ‘following my mind’ in such moments.

 

– I also realized that I had been blind when I watched the movie ‘Amores Perros’ which depicts that dog-fight business here in Mexico City, I somehow managed to just ‘numb it out’ as part of some ‘movie’ as if it was not real or in some alternate reality. I see how I would see movies without taking into consideration that such events DO take place, do happen and are as real as seeing those dogs ‘going out for a walk’ and having to be hit in order to behave, due to how they have been trained by the sick twisted human mind that solaces is seeing fights and dare to even gamble upon winners. This I fuel and exist as every time I seek to win and ‘win’ something, get a positive kick out of anything that I can witness and consequently experience as an energetic movement within me.

 

Fighting

I fought myself in that moment: from wanting to react and another ‘part’ of me – the real me – remaining just like a rock, I experienced like this cement inside me where I could not even think – it’s like when you are in the bottom of a pool and  you know that you could drown yet, you cannot possibly just move up to reach for air. I am describing what I experienced in that moment which I have also experienced as a child in terms of realizing I am drowning but not being able to move – so, the experience was not the usual ‘angry mode’ but instead it maybe was petrification – yet at the same time it didn’t feel like anything.

I also realize that if I had gone out at the same time I usually do, I would not have witnessed that, which means that it doesn’t matter if I’m present or not: those dogs exist, people that train them to fight exist, they will continue whether I witness that or not – I realize that any reaction is in fact stemming from my inherent desire – that certainly has mellowed down – to point out the abuse to others, instead of even realizing how the abuse is first onto me because of having the actual desire to be angry, to ‘burst up in flames’ – which is how I see that the word incinerate makes sense: I had not ever considered the ‘who I am’ in anger, and I had never considered the detrimental effects of such energetic experience of anger on my body.

 

I have written about the memory of me as a child becoming extremely angry, to the point where I feel my entire body just having like a ‘chill’ from how much I would put myself in such anger trance, and that’s when my parents would offend me ‘You are fucking crazy!’ and just leaving me in the room,  fueling that anger even more because of them judging to what extent I would lead a single point of anger into an actual anger possession. Hearing them cursing at me for fueling my anger made me even more angry.

 

And I remember the stories my mother would say about my father, picking up fights with people just because of going past a red light or something – he used to carry these sticks on the car ‘just in case’ something would happen – I took it as normal, and they always wanted me to carry some thick cable that I could hit someone with in case they wanted to do something onto me. I always refused.

 

 

Stepping out of the anger possession

Whenever I would go out of the possession when I was a child, after spending  a long time crying and fueling that experience of anger wherein the totality of my body would go into a paralysis almost, even just now as I write it I can experience the same thing, the tickling as pins and needles on my left arm. Even as  a child, I would fear dying in such moments – my mother would say to me that my entire face could be paralyzed if I continued boiling up with such anger – and so I would fear dying, I would fear ending up with a ‘dry half face’ because of anger – and that’s when I would slow down and just cry not even because of whatever reason I have had to get angry in the first place, but because of becoming aware of how my body had suffered in that moment of anger possession. I would brace myself and feel sad/ sorry and even worse for what I had put myself through.

 

It was just like vomiting. When I was a child and I was sick and had to puke, I would keep my eyes open and cry throughout the whole thing – I would then notice that the pores of my cheeks had burst, I would feel so bad for having damaged my body that way that I always feared having to puke again. One of the reasons why I stopped drinking was when puking was ‘the way to stop the drunkenness’ and me becoming absolutely disgusted of myself for having to do that. The ‘peak point’ was when I had to puke and I cannot even remember where I did it/ or don’t want to remember. I stopped, I could not take myself any further than that – besides waking up with bumps on my head and other undisclosed bruises.

 

Self abuse – no different to becoming angry – same experience, same pain felt after the energetic possession: the body took it all and, have I ever asked forgiveness for my body for such things? No.

 

I one way I am ‘glad’ I was able to stop myself most of the times before going into absolute rage, however seeing this potential in me – which is linked to thoughts related to killing/ hitting/ deliberately harming others that I see are ‘abusing’ was never realized as me following the threat of abuse even in my own mind. I guess that’s why and how I would ‘resonate’ with a clockwork orange in a way, and the entire experience that I had yesterday I later on assessed as the similar experience that Alex had when he cold no longer be violent against others – he would get sick, I just got absolutely ‘blank’ with no ability to do anything else than that.

 

I had taken for granted these surges of anger as a child, I remember them very well yet when I was pointed out that I had a lot of anger I went into a ‘what? no way!’ denial state, without daring to look inside myself and find the real evil justified by ‘seeing evil’ in others’ which became – as I have mentioned before as well – a thinking pattern of ‘humanity is evil’ and as such, shaping, molding my entire beingness to be in a ‘military’ way, like a soldier that is ready to combat any point of attack. And this is precisely being explained in Heaven’s Journey to Life blog, specifically the link I’ll leave below, and so I have just written out the whole point with several links to the past  up until the experience at the moment.

 

One single event can become the mirror we have not dared to look ourselves into, because we knew before hand we do not want to see what is reflected on it, yet it is ourselves.

 

The physical consequences after this was pain on my left foot  because of how I had a struggle with ‘my expression’ and the physical point of it in the moment – my mind wanting to go bezerk and the other me here stability pulling myself like cement on the ground. The trick is to keep breathing at all times. Looking back at the entire situation, It was ‘cool’ to face the point from the perspective of being able to face such ingrained inner-experiences with regards to anger. However, it is plain obvious that the cause of the anger won’t be solved in one go: Animals being abused by humans is the most despicable thing that we can do along any other moment wherein we abuse ourselves in the name of reacting to such abuse as well.

 

I will continue tomorrow with the Self Forgiveness points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, petrified at the abuse of this world without realizing that participating in anger only supports my own gnawing as physical flesh and that in no way does it support LIFE

 

“Animals are driven to extinction as they DO NOT feature in the Consciousness of Humans as Equals as Life-Forms”  – Bernard Poolman *

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.For further support: Desteni Forum 

Blogs:

• Character Defence Mechanisms: DAY 93

• *Day 94: Did You Know?