124. Who am I within ‘Wanting to be Alone’?

It is clear that it is a mind possession what we go through when desiring or fearing something. Wanting to be alone is just the polarity of actually fearing to be alone and as such, creating a pattern of desire and suppression as fear within events that I then define according to this single character as ‘The Loner.’

If we look at ourselves as society, we all eventually hit this spot of secluding ourselves within a constant desire or fear to be with another, fearing establishing relationships and at the same time desiring to be with others.

We have become so conflictive in our minds that we can structure an entire game of self-interest wherein all that exists is our personal benefit: ‘Oh I want to be alone/ Oh I want to be with another’ – and where’s Life in all that? Where is an actual Self-Agreement that we can consider as an actual point of Self Support that is not dependent on ‘external points’ such as people, environment and situations to  define who we are.

 

I realize throughout this exploration of ‘the loner’ that I have mostly danced around a desire to experience myself in a different way in relation to having company or not, which is then deliberately seeking to play a character that we can become for a moment and establish that as ‘who we are:’ I am alone or I am not alone anymore – and that’s it. And in that we can build and create a thousand events and stories wherein we revolve around a constant friction and conflict in relation to one single point, while everything that we are as human beings that breathe and that require to consider that there is much more than one single point of desire or fear that we trap ourselves into when believing ourselves to be these thoughts in our head, that later on become actual actions that we ‘give life’ to literally, as all actions based on desires or fear are in fact not based on a practical and common sensical consideration of who we are as individuals that exist in a physical biosphere  that we have abused when seeking only to satisfy our hopes, dreams and desires that we sometimes do not even realize we are ‘living for’ because we tend to make it ‘ok’ to keep one single piece of heaven in our pocket, without realizing that such heaven has always been an illusion,  a sugary thought that we keep just because it makes us feel content for a moment – yet it has no substance as a practical living consideration wherein we actually become beings that are able to consider another as an actual equal and one part of ourselves – instead we antagonize and desire each other, like strangers that cannot conceive that we are in fact one and equal.

 

Back to the question:

Who am I within ‘Wanting to Be Alone’?

It is just a character of self manipulation that is designed to actually activate the absolute opposite as a strong desire to create a relationship when and as the ‘conditions’ apply, which is once again a character that seeks to upgrade itself into a ‘completeness’ when being with another/ others, eventually creating yet another form of separation from that avoidance to be with others to an absolute dependency toward others – never in fact seeing and realizing that self is here as one and equal and as such, it is to step out of these limited versions of ourselves: struggling to be with others, yet wanting to be with others and in that just rocking back and forth like in a ping pong match wherein there is no actual ability to win or lose as none of the points are in fact ‘real’ – as we are never in fact all alone yet we cannot ‘complete’ ourselves with another either.

 

So this is a point of Self Honesty wherein we realize how we have created characters to stand as a form of entertainment and conflict to only exist up there in our minds, thinking why we would rather be alone or why we would want to be with another – and where is the rest? It’s simply out of the picture as we become possessed with one single point only, going in circles chasing after each pole instead of actually allowing ourselves to stop, breathe and look for a moment what it is in reality that we are whining about: is this character in any way supporting me to actually take on the practical considerations within this physical world that I require to do.

 

It is rather ludicrous how we have become the characters to such an extent that there are moments wherein we cannot apparently see beyond the fog, yet we are always here, breathing, an entire physical body keeping ourselves alive while we consume ourselves with emotions or feelings that we accept as ‘who we are.’ This is then how we have to consider how to stand one and equal as the mind to become self directive as the mind, so that everything we participate in our day to day, moment by moment reality is no longer the type of prefab limitations such as ‘the loner’ characters that only exist as the limited version that we accepted and allowed ourselves to consume ourselves with.

 

It’s definitely time to live, and by living at this stage it is to stop participating in all characters that we have created as the surrogate versions of ourselves, living for us just because we were too frightened to even consider that there is another way to exist.

I have realized how the participation in the mind is the point that becomes an addictive experience, believing that it is ‘perfectly normal’ to have some type of mind-discomfort translated as an actual pathology that we accept as ‘real’ such as ‘being a loner,’ which is just a delusion I cultivated in order to create my own character to entertain myself with – not necessary.

I have seen and realized how there is an actual fear to stop participating in our ‘personal favorites’ such as usual behavioral patterns that backup the idea of ‘who we are’ in our minds. It’s almost like an aberration to the mind the moment that we do not participate in emotions and feelings and that is an actual point of self-movement, wherein we stop acting out on that which we saw as ‘usual’ within us when the necessary conditions/ context would present itself to then look into our character wardrobe and decide what type of conflictive or pleasing ‘nature’ we want to play out in such moment, never ever realizing or considering the point of abuse that this represents.

So, it’s cool to see and realize how this character was just another way to keep me entertained in my tunnel vision in relation to myself and others

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself to a single character in my mind such as ‘The Loner’ character wherein I reduce an entire moment of who I am as flesh to one single ‘self’ that wants/ needs/ desires or rejects being with others and creating a positive or negative energetic churning and sparks about it, which is absolutely delusional to exist as a default experience that in no way assists as support me to be here as breath, physically living and considering where and how I have to direct myself to support me to actually consider how I can be and become an example of what it means to live the word: Equality as Life wherein no reaction or wavering exists when the decision to Live is done and placed in motion by ourselves,  I commit myself to LIVE as that is what we have not yet done/been in fact throughout our existence here: Life in Equality and Oneness

 

I see and realize that because we have all existed in our personal-limitations we have only feared actually getting to know each other because we have even feared establishing an equal and one relationship with ourselves, because we had not considered ourselves ‘enough’ but were actually waiting for something o someone to ‘fill in the void’ and because in our minds not just ‘anything’ can play that role. This is how we become hermits and loners to not have to actually realize that we were protecting ourselves from the actual opportunity of communicating and interacting with others as equals, which implies we cannot generate any positive or negative experience about it, but simply get used to and learn how to live and interact without any emotional or feeling input in order to assess it as ‘being actually living.’

This is how we break the addictive pattern of generating any positive or negative experience upon being alone or being with others as I then instead decide to remain here as breath.

This is the actual fear: just being here, in simplicity – how ludicrous it is – yet it makes ‘perfect sense’ as in the mind we’re always having to be bounding from one side to the other in order to keep ourselves ‘alive’ as the ‘who I am’ of/as the mind. Not necessary.

Alone is what I exist as here, as a physical breathing human body – yet I am a cell that is part of the whole that functions in unison. Right now we’re not Sound enough in our living – thus I align myself to live as the physical which means: no more powering up experiences that I entertain myself within my mind, living here as breath is like living rehab for the very first real time, giving our physical the breaths that we missed when searching for our next greatest hit. Time to live our commitment to live in and as simplicity in every breath here.

 

“We are not alone in this. And no ONE alone will change the world.”
– Bernard Poolman 

 

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For further review on ‘The Loner’ Character:

• 119. Oddity: Please, Leave Me Alone
• 120. ‘I don’t like breaking my routine’
• 121. Childhood Anti-Social Behavior
• 122. ‘Is this as good as it gets?’
• 123. Home Alone: a Loner’s Paradise

 

Blogs that enable you to understand the 7 Year Journey To Life Commitment_

Day 124: TRUE ACTIVIST TEAMLIFE

How Thoughts Activate Personalities – Part 2 (Self-Commitments): DAY 124

 

GREAT Support my Marduk in these two interviews wherein I was able to see and realize the dedication to life required in order to LIVE this process day by day ensuring that we establish ourselves as the physical in the physical practical reality

Reptilians – Marduk and the Existential Mind (Part 1) – Part 81

Ever wondered what ‘black holes’?

Reptilians – Marduk and the Existential Mind (Part 2) – Part 82

123. Home Alone: a Loner’s Paradise

Do not disturb – an ideal external silence as a positive ideal fix for the mind that seeks to preserve itself as ‘the loner’ at all times.

Continuing from…

• 119. Oddity: Please, Leave Me Alone
• 120. ‘I don’t like breaking my routine’
• 121. Childhood Anti-Social Behavior
• 122. ‘Is this as good as it gets?’

Within ‘The Loner’ character in relation to the ideal of ‘home,’ there’s a particular point I have faced wherein it is not only ‘wanting to be at home’ in order to be ‘at ease/peace’ within me, but also wanting to be all alone in the house itself,  not wanting to have people around me, not listening to the chatter, laughter for extended periods of time, or music (that I don’t particularly like,) or just plain loud voices. I like to be at peace alone, wherein I know that no one will disturb me, there will be ‘no surprises’ as in having people suddenly yelling or screaming or shifting things around – in essence no disturbance, it’s all me. These are the thoughts of ‘the control freak’ character in relation to the ideal-experience of ‘being alone,’ which is certainly only a mind creation in relation to how I created this idea of freedom in my mind linked to not having anyone around me/ being alone – being without observers or noise makers at home.

The backchat around this point is the following, and it stems from the most prominent experience I have face in relation to living in a house with other beings wherein I have and still am facing myself with regards to this desire to ‘be alone/ be left alone’ at home and having no one around me.

I won’t be bothered with noises around me

No more crazy laughter

I’m going to be at last free

All space is for me

No disturbance or unpredictable visitors

If I could just be alone all the time

 

Self-Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience of weekends wherein I know that I will be alone at home, simply because of how I have made myself believe that being around others is something that bothers me and annoys me, which is all based on how I have defined my beingness according to people around me and in no way actually considering that who I am here as breath is constant and stable and that any other belief of being annoyed by noises/ people around me, is just part of how I programmed myself to always want to be alone/ always have a silent environment, because of linking noises to disturbance and as such, creating a negative experience within me whenever I do hear ‘noises’ which is is really an exaggeration to what extent I have become aware of another’s moves to the point wherein I can identify who gets home without looking out the window.

I realize that all these associations have been created at a mind level wherein I am expecting to be bothered by another’s voices, noises or simple presence due to how I have believed myself to be ‘more free’ when being absolutely alone and within a quiet environment.

When and as I see myself desiring the weekend to come to be alone already, I stop and I breathe – I support myself to realize that no matter who’s at home, I am here and breathing in the physical and who I am does not change according to being alone or with people – I direct myself to find the exact trigger point when this thought as a desire emerge to see where I am in fact separating myself from others as myself and my beingness as breath into an experience related to being alone or not that exists Only in my Mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an apparent unpleasant experience within me when being around others, when people are in the house, which is just a consequential outflow of having defined me being alone at home as ‘me being free,’ me being ‘at ease’ – thus I realize that it is not about others in fact but about myself and how I have associated being home alone with a sense of ‘freedom’ in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get excited the moment that I know that the last person has left the house on Saturdays, which means  I can be ‘fully alone,’ which is just a mere association I have created within my mind with regards to ‘how’ I experience myself when being with others around me, instead of actually seeing and realizing that being alone or not must not change a single iota of who I am in every moment of breath.

When and as I see myself getting slightly excited about people leaving the house, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am creating a positive experience out of being alone only to later on create the opposite when they come back, thus I assist and support myself to breathe in and during the moment I hear the door closing and realizing that whether there is people around or not, I am here as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered by noises around me such as lousy music, laughter and/or the sound of glass bottles clashing against each other as this is all related to ‘people in a group’ that I have defined as lousy/noisy and bothering because of what it entails as a disturbance to my ‘perfect order’ as ‘my space’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by, without realizing that this is in fact wanting to control others to only behave and be as silent as I want them to be at all times, just so that I don’t have to ‘be bothered’ with noises.

I realize that I have desired silence around as a‘perfect moment’ for myself, avoiding noises without realizing that I am the one that decides whether noise becomes something that ‘bothers me’ or not –

I realize that the laughter, the chatter and sound of bottles indicates a social reunion that I have programmed myself to loathe, simply because of linking it to drunken people that I have disliked due to the ‘disturbance’ they generate in a particular environment.

When and as I see myself reacting in irritation or anxiety when hearing more than the usual voices in the house as chatter, loud laughter, music and the sound of beer bottles clashing against each other, I stop and I breathe. I realize that me reacting to this is playing out the control-freak wherein I believe myself to be ‘the owner of the space’ and as such, not wanting to deal with any disturbance/ any additional ‘guests’ at home, because I have defined noise as disturbance. Thus I assist and support myself to simply focus on breathing and realizing that I cannot avoid people from laughing, talking, drinking or coming here – thus it is all about me supporting myself to stop all reactions and focus on doing whatever I is I am doing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense my body and become slightly anxious when I hear a group of people coming to the house, as I associate it with drinking and lots of people going to the toilet, which has also become part of the annoyance that I have allowed to preoccupy me in the moment, wherein I have justified my right to be ‘pissed off’ because of having more people at home, which is just quite an exaggeration from my side most of the times as the mind possession indicates itself to be.

 

When and as I see myself getting slightly anxious and reacting with tension because of hearing people coming to the house, I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to simply continue doing what I’m doing instead of creating all sorts of backchat and reactions toward others, because my backchat and reactions won’t make them ‘go away,’ thus I only abuse myself within stopping breathing here and allowing this mind possession of ‘loathing visitors’ at home. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘at peace’ whenever there is no one home wherein I can ‘sing aloud’ without others having to hear me, which means that I have judged and suppressed my expression around others within the idea and belief that I do not have to bother them, just because of how I was taught to always be silent and quiet as a child – which is a justification really – thus believing that everyone must be equally silent and quiet at all times as a ‘norm’ of conviviality, which is just me wanting to impose ‘my own ways’ onto others a.k.a. wanting to control and manipulate another’s expression to suit my ‘standards of conviviality.’

When and as I see myself feeling at peace as a positive experience because of no one being around and being home alone, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this only exists because of me perceiving that I can now ‘be free’ to express myself, instead of seeing how I have imposed this limitation to myself due to the beliefs of me having to always be quiet and ‘not disturb others,’ which is why I have allowed myself to be disturbed by others within the consideration of them being ‘noisy’ – thus I assist and support myself to sing, express myself around others if I want to, without holding myself back as I see and realize that it is only fear of being judged what I am using as an excuse to not do so unconditionally.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the word ‘freedom’ to ‘being home alone,’ wherein I would feel at ease and just ‘free’ because of not having my space being ‘disturbed’ by others and also not having people to see what I do, which is all based on me then suppressing myself and hiding myself from others, which implies that I am still supporting a desire for privacy that has gotten ourselves in our world to abuse as one can only extremely so desire to be private about stuff wherein one can be involved in any form of abuse – thus I realize that this sense of freedom is in fact only linked to what I have defined as freedom in self-interest, and in no way does it point out to a reality of actual equality and oneness wherein no secrets exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider and associate parents as authority toward whom I had to ‘keep secrets’ in order to remain with a ‘good person’ character, without realizing to what extent my desire to fulfill a positive experience within me became a pattern of constantly desiring to be alone in order to have a ‘positive experience’ about my reality, that would only last for so long and that this in fact becomes just another desire and preferential point that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as.

When and as I see myself thinking that ‘freedom = being home alone,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this stems from my initial desire to be and do something that would not be allowed or witnessed/ known by others, hence doing so when being home alone. Thus I assist and support myself to breathe at all times wherein whether I am alone or not, it does not influence who I am as my beingness in every moment of breath. I allow myself to express myself regardless of the noise that my movements entail, as it is part of moving in the physical world – I do not have to ‘tip toe’ around all the time.

 

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have ‘my space’ so that I could do things that I knew were ‘secret’ to others and were linked to my idea of ‘freedom’ as in ‘I can do whatever I want,’ which comes as a positive polarity from the usual oppression existent within families and parents, wherein we as children after being told what to do and what not to do, seek for a way to ‘be free’ and this means having ‘no authority,’ which is why the idea of freedom as no observers and no authority consummates in my desire to be alone.

I realize that I have created this excuse to make sense of my single desire to have a positive experience that I have linked to ‘being alone’ – thus I take self responsibility for the patterns I created within me in relation to wanting to be alone at home.

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘have my space’ and being alone at home for an extended period of time I stop and I breathe – I realize that my desire for freedom is mostly linked to personal interests of secrecy and privacy – thus I direct myself to instead act and live in self honesty wherein I do not have to create a ‘separate moment’ for me to be ‘without stress’ when being around and with others.

I see and realize that this is a pattern from childhood wherein I would not want to play with other kids simply because of considering them as ‘too messy’ and clumsy for my ‘perfected ways’ of being, which is ludicrous since that would mean I’d have to live in a museum to not be ‘disturbed,’ and that is certainly not living. I realize that every time I react in annoyance, I am in fact indicating myself that I am up there in my mind possession and not here as life breathing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get a negative experience out of knowing that people will be back home, which means I will stop being alone and as such linking being ‘with company at home’ to a ‘negative experience’ again, just to keep myself bound to the next moment wherein I will eventually get to be alone again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the backchat ‘If I could just be all alone all the time,’ which is actually a belief that I hold in order to create positive and negative experiences in relation to being with people or being alone, wherein I am not in fact considering the practicality of living  alone, for example, which would not be as beneficial in a world where sharing expenses makes like a lot easier – thus I realize that if I would follow my mind’s desires to be alone, I would have been in fact in an island because in this world we cannot possibly function being ‘alone,’ as no one is ever really ‘all alone.’ We walk our process individually, alone, yes – but the interactions and relationships that enable life are physically and intricately related a group, an organism –thus I stop my delirium of ‘wanting to be alone’ which is just a tantrum-throwing backchat in order to always be either waiting to be alone or creating a negative experience when being with more people at home.

When and as I see myself thinking that ‘I want to be alone at all times’ and having a negative experience because of seeing that other beings are coming back, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am the one that must deliberately remain here as breath so that being alone or with people does not define who I am, and instead I assist and support myself to remain here as the physical, as breath at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to end up believing that ‘my perfect peace will be destroyed’ when others arrive, which is just a way to create a negative and positive experience within me when being alone or not

When and as I see myself thinking that ‘my perfect peace will be destroyed’ when seeing more people getting home, I stop and I breathe – I realize that ‘freedom’ as experienced when being alone is just a perception and as such, I direct myself to simply remain here constant and consistent as breath, wherein who I am is not defined by having people around me or not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize how I eventually end up missing people after some time, wherein after a long time of being all alone, I start to ponder about wanting to have people around for short periods of time, which is just me trying to manipulate my entire world to ‘suit my needs’ according to how I want it, which is how I always sought to be conditional in my approach to people as I never learned how to really stand with others unconditionally, but only agree to communicate and open up according to whether I liked or disliked them, which is the entire point of who I am within evading communication, as part of ‘the loner’ characteristics of only talking to and communicating with people that would reinforce my characters, instead of having actually allowed myself to get to know people and interact with them based on common sense.

I see and realize that such desire to ‘be alone’ and ‘not be around others’ is just a mind fix that I have created within me in order to actually defend the ‘who I am’ as my mind as the loner character that in no way assists and supports myself to LIVE, but only keeping me busy within my own ideals that I have seen and realized never meet reality as it is only in the fantasies and future projections as ideals of ‘being alone’ that I create a positive experience that I ‘look forward to’ experience, yet when it comes to actually being alone, I realize that I do not in fact want to be ‘all alone all the time,’ and that this has only become a way for me to believe that the thoughts of wanting to be alone is ‘who I am.’ Thus –

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘be alone’ as a thought of quietness and stillness that emerge within my mind, I see and realize that this is a mind fix that I have used in order to activate ‘the loner’ character and create the inner conflict that I see and realize is absolutely unnecessary as I am here as breath and I am not determined by being with people or not.

 

Thus I assist and support myself to stop and breathe every time that I see myself ‘wondering’ about being alone and how much ‘fun’ I can have when being all alone, as I see and realize that most of the times I even end up doing nothing different to the rest of the time that I am with people. Thus I stop this useless character within myself as I have realized the inner-play outs that I have created in order to keep an ideal ‘loneliness’ at home with no foundation whatsoever upon practical and physical reality of oneness and equality, and instead existing as the opposite of separation and further backchat wherein I absolutely forget that I am here as breath.

 

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Blogs:

How Thoughts Activate Personalities – Part 1 (Self-Forgiveness): DAY 123

Day 123: TRUE ACTIVIST UNIVERSAL GRACE

111. ‘Why aren’t you normal?’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept a belief within me about there being something ‘off’ within my behavior because of being called crazy and ‘not a normal girl,’ which I then took as a point of pride because it would make me feel at least ‘special’ in a way, which then turned into an excuse to play out a character that would essentially justify any decision in life based on having been dubbed ‘crazy,’ hence taking such belief as myself as ‘who I am’ and making myself embody/ become it to the best of my possibility, so as to spite anyone that had called me that way.

 

When and as I see myself judging my expression because of thinking that ‘I am not being normal,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I’m acting out of the past according to a single label as ‘the crazy one’ that I believed is/was ‘who I am,’ which I used in order to make myself ‘honor’ the label and as such remain only as an ‘out of the ordinary’ character as a basic ‘eccentric personality’  which is how I realize that we become that which others believe ourselves to be just by giving us a single label and us taking such label as ‘real,’ when in fact it has nothing to do with who I really am here as a physical breathing living being.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I didn’t have to apply self forgiveness for a point that I had deemed as ‘petty’ to consider walking in self-forgiveness, without realizing that it is in the small things that I created entire personalities linked to being called ‘crazy’ and ‘abnormal,’ which I mostly took as a point of inferiority  that I converted into a superiority point in order to ‘spite’ the people that had called me crazy or abnormal while growing up, without realizing how such ‘normal’ and ‘abnormal’ standards were created by parents that would only deem certain characters to be ‘acceptable,’ as such characters would lead to securing a financial future for the child when growing up, as sociable and charismatic people tend to ‘make it’ in the world of business and social relationships that lead to having lots of money – apparently.

 

When and as I see myself considering certain points of Self Forgiveness as ‘petty’ to apply Self-Forgiveness for, I stop and I breathe – I realize that we as the mind tend to make these points ‘less’ in order to keep our entire characters in place. Thus I open up the point and walk the necessary corrections in order to see and realize ‘who I am’ at the moment in relation to such perceived ‘petty’ point.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a child fear being judged by others for not speaking, for not wanting to have friends and communicate with other kids , creating several tantrums whenever my mother wanted me to ‘team me up’ with other kids to play, just because I didn’t want to do it – thus creating an entire reaction every time that there was a kid in a social-situation wherein I believed that I had to then socialize with them just because ‘we were kids.’ I would become absolutely fearful of having another kid in the same situation because I knew that the ‘grown ups’ would team us up to play and get along together, but I didn’t want to because I always wanted to be a ‘grown up’ in those moments – hence being called by my mother as being ‘ugly’ because I would not want to communicate and interact with other kids.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I am in fact being ‘antisocial’ for not wanting to communicate and speak, I stop and I breathe- I realize that this is a condition that I acquired from when I was a child and my mother would force me to interact with people – grownups and children – using subtle threats for me to do so, which would make me fearful of ‘what would happen’ if I didn’t want to interact with other children.

 

I realize that in my mind I’ve made of my mother ‘the ogre’ in my life, blaming her for my own experience however it was really me that accepted and allowed such self-victimization in order to always be alone and always have things working my way as that would make me feel like special in my ‘not belonging’ ideas.

 

I realize that at the moment any point o barrier to communicate with another can only exist if I hold a judgment toward myself and another being – yet I am not defined by ‘who I have been’ in relation to communication and my apparent reservedness as a child.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into absolute fear and anxiety every time that we as a family when I was a child go into a social reunion and there was a table specially for kids, and I would simply be wishing and hoping that I would not be forced to sit along with the other kids, simply because of me always wanting to be with the adults, because of believing that I had ‘more in common’ with the adults which is a belief that I held throughout my life in order to feel ‘special’ about myself and not being like all the other kids. Yet because I would not communicate about this, I would only create a point of friction with my mother because of her judging me for not wanting to be with other kids.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have ‘more in common’ with adults/ older people than me nowadays, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am acting out of the memory of childhood wherein I would always prefer to be with ‘older people’ than kids my age, simply because of believing myself to be a ‘special kid’ that was ‘very mature’ for her age and within that, making all other kids and younger kids as ‘less than me,’ which is what plays out as a point of judgment and comparison toward other beings in relation to ‘who they are’ as their age. Thus I see and realize that a being is not an age, is not a cultural background or even popular-culture associations that I can use to ‘get along with,’ but a single being that is also part of this world and as such what we have in common is being part of the human race that lives and coexists in the same planet – I do not require some point of ‘affinity’ toward others in order to establish communication.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a child to go upstairs into my room whenever my mother was attempting to get me to play with other kids, which I absolutely rejected because of believing and perceiving that ‘I was not a normal child’ and as such, I would not want to play ‘childish games,’ but I wanted to be talking to grown ups or watching MTV which is how I created myself as an ‘anti-social person’ that would not get along with people her age for several years until I allowed myself to ‘be a child’ again.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to be older in order to like the type of music that I was listening to when I was 7 years old, which my cousins/kids used to judge me for, saying that I was not a ‘normal child’ because of watching MTV instead of cartoons.

 

When and as I see myself creating a point of separation toward people based on the age group they belong to and believing that ‘I’d rather be talking to older people that I can relate to’ is in fact me speaking from the character of ‘I only get along with grown ups and not younger people’ based on the idea of ‘I am more mature than others.’ Thus I breathe, I stop and direct myself to communicate with others without taking into consideration their gender, sex or nationality – all beings equal and one here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was something profoundly wrong within me for not wanting to play with other kids, often getting to the point of crying because of not wanting to do it, because of not wanting to be forced to do it – therefore creating this anxiety in social events such as parties and so forth because of having gotten stuck with the belief that I would have to be socializing with other kids ‘whether I liked it or not,’ which is how I would mostly remain sitting at the table, because going outside would imply kids wanting me to play with them and I didn’t want that.

 

When and as I see myself still triggering any form of experience when going to a social event/ situation and having a fear of ‘having to socialize’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am acting out of the memory of having ‘loathed’ to socialize with others and the distress that I would create whenever I was forced to do so – thus I direct myself to simply remain here as breath and when and if the opportunity to speak arises, I speak, I share, I communicate – yet I do not judge myself for not speaking either, as I realize that any belief of ‘having to socialize’ was imposed as a parental order that I simply complied to out of fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start avoiding social interactions based on the premise and memory of my mother pushing me/ forcing me to socialize with other kids, simply because I would not want to do it ‘by myself’ apparently – yet deep inside me I was only wanting to be self-directive to do it ‘on my own,’ which is how I would always react whenever my parents wanted to ‘do things for me’ such as hooking me up with friends to socialize with.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create  a notorious preference to only want to socialize with ‘my best friends’ from school and seeing everyone else as ‘less than’ my friends – which is how I would mostly deem that I had nothing to do with other kids, leading me to simply remain alone and wanting to go home to be alone, wherein I would not be ‘disturbed’ by others, which is essentially not being challenged to step out of the rigid preferential character that I developed as a child, wherein I became an elitist from an early age because of only wanting to ‘socialize’ with kids that ‘I liked’/ my best friends – and making everyone else just less than and annoying, therefore developing a character that would only have ‘few friends’ that I would be able to fully express myself with, reducing such friends to one or two people in my world that would support my judgments toward the idea of being with ‘too many people’ and/ or being deliberately apathetic in social situations, wherein I would sometimes push myself to go just because of not wanting to be judged again as ‘the hermit’ and  ‘the weird odd one that never goes out’

 

When and as I see myself wanting to go ‘go home’ whenever I am in a social situation, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I made of ‘my home’ my safe heaven to not have to challenge my ‘rigid patterns’ as characters that I have believed can be influenced if I am ‘too exposed’ to the world. Thus I direct myself to move and open myself up with others without any form of prejudice toward doing so, as I see and realize that it is only through communicating and sharing with others indiscriminately that we can actually establish an equal and one recognition of who we are as physical beings in this world, and as such learn how to coexist in a way wherein our characters do not interfere in our communication, but stick to physical practical common sense at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when being silent among others, as I see,  realize  and understand that these are essentially beliefs that I created about a ‘social context/ situation’ as a place where I had to speak no matter what by force, thus creating a general negative experience whenever I attended any form of party and not really enjoying it because of being fearing having to socialize with other kids and play games and ‘act childish’ which I judged as ‘inferior’ for my age – even though in reality I was in fact an infant.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am being judged for being silent, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I grew up with the belief that whenever I was with other beings I had to be talking in order to be sociable and ‘charismatic,’ without realizing that this is just a belief system and that there is no need for me to be constantly speaking in order to be accepted and judged as ‘normal’ by others.

 

I realize that I would have not created such a fear to speak as a child if I had not been pushed and deliberately to do so, which is how it only became a way for me to ‘go against’ my mother, as part of that ‘opposition’ I developed against ‘her rules,’ which is how I see and realize that it was mostly a rebellious pattern that I took as ‘who I am’ toward others, and believing myself to be anti social, without realizing that if I had been left to socialize ‘at my own pace,’ I would not have created such a friction and resistance to do so, simply because we tend to oppose and go against that which we are forced to do by our parents. Thus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having judged myself and gotten even angry for me not being able to understand why I was so reluctant to get along with other kids, becoming essentially a hermit by choice and having this memory of me being in a party at my house and just going upstairs and locking myself into my room because of not wanting to play with other kids. My mother came eventually came in and got very angry at me because I didn’t want to participate with other kids, thus beginning crying and not being able to understand why I disliked being with other kids, why I resisted getting along with other kids  and why my mother would be so infuriated about me not socializing. I realize that I would react because of it being an imposition and not a point of self-directed expression, which is how I developed myself to be a loner or a person with ‘few friends.’ What I would then believe and do is simply oppose and distance myself from any person that in my mind ‘at the eyes of my mother’ would be a ‘suitable friend,’  just because of keeping that point of opposition and friction toward my mother at all cost, which is how I developed a personality that would go against what I perceived were ‘her parameters’ and expectations’ toward me – and choosing people as friends and relationships that I knew would not be fully accepted by her, which all came as a point of spitefulness from the times when I was a child and being forced to interact with other kids.

 

When and as I see myself going into any form of ‘down’ experience because of apparently not being able to ‘relate’ to others in a social context, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just stemming from the past memories of me being forced to socialize wherein I would then believe there was something ‘abnormal’ within me for not wanting to play with other kids. I direct myself  to simply be in the moment and taking to people as who they are in the moment and realizing that I do not have to speak all the time, yet I do not have to go and hide either as I realize that the moments when and as I see myself wanting to ‘get out’/ ‘get away’/ ‘go to my room/house’ is in fact a character taking place wherein I am believing myself to ‘not have anything to do’ with the context in the moment.

 

Thus I ensure that whenever I decide to remain quiet, I do so from the starting point of being here as breath – and whenever I see myself wanting to go to my room, it is an actual self-directive decision in self honesty and not stemming from backchat of inadequacy in particular social contexts such as parties/ reunions and events with more than the usual people in my environment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid or even reject looking at myself as ‘antisocial’ because of believing myself Not to be so – yet by resisting it, it is implying that I am in fact fearing labeling myself as antisocial, without realizing that I don’t have to be ANY label at all, as all that I am is here as a physical being that in no way is defined by a single label denoting an aspect of myself that was created out of an imposition/ fear by parents or society in general.

 

I realize that I decide who I am in every moment when and while being interacting with other beings, and I ensure that I am not defining ‘who I am’ in every moment as in seeing ‘which character am I playing?’ in a social context – I direct myself to remain breathing and participating/ communicating and not considering ‘who I am supposed to be’ within such situations.

 

I commit myself to expose how when parents force their children to socialize, children develop the opposite pattern as the friction created by instigating communication through force is definitely something that remains as a ‘grudge’ within the child, developing anti-social patterns just because of parents always wanting kids to be and do ‘positive things,’ which is actually stemming from the fear of kids being – in this case – antisocial.

 

I commit myself to remain silent if I see and realize that I am here breathing and that I do not require to be talking all the time in order to exist.

 

I commit myself to expose how children are indoctrinated to be ‘optimum’ within the social standards that regard ‘sociable kids’ as charismatic, happy and joyful as people that will grow up to develop proper social relationships in order to make money and survive in this world. Thus I see and realize how as children we are immediately being wrought in order to become ‘good social material’ in order to ensure our own survival in a world where ‘sociable people’ make the most money because they are ‘positively charged’ and this is what ‘the system likes,’ never considering what such impositions have created upon a child. Thus children in an Equal Money System will never have to be and become subject and or forced to act in a particular way to ensure their survival as money will be given to all to have a dignified life from birth to death, which will enable real expression to develop within children and adults once that we stop binding each other to ‘social norms’ that lead to a ‘successful living.’

 

•  Desteni I Process

• Desteni

 

 

Blogs:

• Mind Backup Resources – Part 1 (Self-Forgiveness): DAY 111
• Day 111: INNER STRUCTURE of an Equal Money System – Part 1

Awesome vlog:

• 2012 – 7 years Journey to Life – The Devil is within me! Or is it the Holy Spirit?

 

Interviews:

Reptilians – How the Physical became the Mind (Part 2) – Part 77