A few days ago I had to take some pictures, the kind that one takes for passports and such. Throughout my life I’ve kept them all throughout the various phases in my life and it’s interesting to see the evolution of myself throughout the years not only due to the hairstyles, weight variations or ‘time of my life’ I was at, but more so seeing this constant expression that I had become aware within myself as part of my general rictus, which is what I would define as a worried face. I have a picture of myself as a four year old and what I see in my expression is worry. And surely, I have worried a lot throughout my life. Mostly when it comes to the global deterioration, us using/abusing the resources from the earth, depleting life to create our nonsensical ‘dreams’ that we call ‘living’ which I have also walked in a previous blog about ‘worry’ here: Day 49: I Consume Myself – I Worry
Ever since I was a little child I’ve been ‘worrying’ about the water I use, how much I ‘spend’ of living resources including food, animals, vital elements for us to live and how we essentially use them up or pollute them to make our lives function, contributing to the wasteland that we are turning this world into. There was a time some 5 years ago maybe where I went through a phase of getting fed up of having to eat, getting fed up of having to go to toilet, and seeing myself as nothing else but this self-consuming parasitical entity that along with every other human being is equally depleting the life on Earth. I realized however through writing it out and making sense of it that I was in fact just becoming worried and living in self-pity as a very selfish emotional experience as well, because my ‘thoughts’ or ‘emotions’ didn’t change at all the fact that in order to live we have to keep consuming what is here, it is a consequential outflow as well of how currently life exists and me becoming on top of that ‘worried’ or ‘sad’ was actually placing more strain and stress on my very own physical body, the one that I was aiming at nurturing and supporting. I realized that I’ll have to continue doing it, over and over again until I die, and continuing in this ‘self-pity’ for having to live this way or hoping or wanting to die is not the solution either (hear my podcast on Efilism for more). So, I decided to instead make of my life something of support to life in this world, beginning with myself.
Being aware of the ‘greater picture’ in many ways, not only in what I would call ‘Earthly’ information as we see our politics, money systems, educational bogus systems, poisoned foods and airs… but also being aware of the greater purpose or meaning if you will of this life on Earth as it currently is, is both a way to make sense of my life but also can be at times a bit discouraging, considering that I am one of those people as I’ve explained many, many times before that would rather prefer to die in order to let the Earth breathe again than hold on to my life and continue depleting it. I sincerely don’t recommend dwelling too much on that, because even if we all die on Earth, the ‘who we are’ and have become would at some point emerge again, maybe in some other living forms that would reflect again the same current ‘human nature’ and so, the ‘human problem’ would not be erased, because this goes beyond it being a ‘human’ problem only. Us humans are more like the climatic consequence of an existential process that goes beyond only looking at the ‘history’ we know of Earth and the rest of it. Though, because it would take a long time and many details to explain the ins and outs of why we are such ‘existential consequence,’ I rather stick to taking it back to myself and seeing directly how upon having this awareness of what ‘life’ on Earth is at the moment and the current problems we are dealing with, there is really no point in me continuing to worry about it.
Here as I write I notice that I’ve become worried about certain news I became aware of today. An example is how a business that opened across the street from where I live that I was quite committed to be a loyal costumer of to get my fruits and vegetables, is considering closing because there is not enough profit. I noticed I got sad because I had created an expectation of them doing well, I wanted to be part of the costumers that could make it thrive so that this family could have a good settled profit and business going… but it’s not happening. They are indebted and they cannot invest more money into it if the return is too low because of low sales, therefore there’s food that goes bad, the rent is too high and they had this loan already to pay back which means they are making no profit.
I started discussing this point and looking at the current set-up in the system where ‘new businesses’ are often the most difficult to get running and going, unless one has sufficient money to invest on it. Then I looked at the banking system where digits can be placed onto someone’s account and get some juicy profit back in the form of interests over the actual worked-for money back. There’s also the costumers that might prefer to get stuff a bit cheaper somewhere else, even though this shop has a great service, yet costumers might rather look first at saving some money instead of considering as I did in the sense of rationalizing that other settled business might not need ‘me’ as a customer any longer, I rather spend maybe a bit more to support this new business, this family and also choosing it because I like their service a lot. So, I looked at the absurdity of not having support for this kind of business as part of our economic system, because they are distributing essentials to live: food! Yet, for a variety of reasons that go beyond the ones explained as well, it’s just not taking off or there are no more means (money) to keep the trial phase.
Maybe someone might say ‘bah! It’s not your business, why do you worry about it?’ well surely it’s not ‘my business’ but I did like the fact that I could also benefit from it and at the same time throughout the months from the time It opened, I did create this constant if you will ‘desire’ to have these businesses thrive, supporting a new enterprise and family running it. I did expect it to work and well, we know what happens when expectations are created: one is prone to be ‘let down’ if they are not met, even though there is of course this risk that comes with any business too and people are also meant to be ‘ok’ or ‘ready’ for the potential outcome of having to foreclose.
This is another reason why it is important to accept things as they are and how they go taking place moment by moment. In my ‘ideal’ world everyone that has such supportive intent in a business – like distributing basics to live – would be unconditionally supported to get sufficient customers/business running for at least 6-12 months until it can be ‘running on its own.’ And also get sufficient support to do proper marketing as part of that initial aid/support to ensure that if the business fails, it is not based on doing all that the business people could to make it work, but for other reasons that pertain more to the products or the customer base, the demand for products and so forth. Anyways, won’t get too ‘technical’ here but in any case I don’t like just seeing a ‘closing story’ go like that, I want to know the reasons and see the potentials and the determination that the people have to make it work, which in this case I might also suspect they simply prefer to go back to doing other professions they were doing before, which is understandable in any case if that’s also part of the reason for closure. So, that is one example that ‘got me worried’ today, though as I am writing of course I’m realizing that my worry does nothing really, it won’t sort out a single thing, at all. All I can do is rather understand why these things happen, suggest any solutions if I see them and then the rest that becomes too ‘unresolvable’ like debts and all of that, I then place as part of that ‘consequential process’ that we are all ‘coping with’ in this world, which we usually victimize ourselves in relation to which is usually money of course.
I’ve seen how there is this ‘hidden blame’ form whenever these things happen where once one traces the point back to ‘money’ as the apparent source of the problem, it is almost implied that one becomes worried, sad or even angry at things not working out ‘because of MONEY’ as well, yet as I was discussing this point the other day with my partner, it is quite futile to just point fingers at this ‘creation’ called money as the source of all of the problems, because of course money is not a ‘being’ in itself, it’s our creation and we are the ones that have decided – tacitly or blindly – how it works and by who and how it is created and who gets access to it and under which circumstances. To change that, as I’ve explained, it will take all of us one by one waking up to understand who we would have to be/become as individuals in order to then manifest the new nature of money as a life-enabler, not what it currently is as a life-enslaver so to speak. Yet this relationship of enslavement is not only existent as ‘money’ itself, not at all. It is but the main representation of how the relationship that we’re existing as within our own minds, toward our own body and so toward ‘everything else’ that has existed throughout our entire existence as human beings and may I say even beyond that as well.
Today I was also discussing how important and supportive it has been for me as this personality that would constantly worry about having to flush the toilet or take a shower because ‘ah there goes more of my waste into the world!’ and living in this constant apprehension mode, to understand the ‘greater picture’ of why Earth is what it is right now, why we are here, how is it that we’ve all agreed and contracted ourselves to be here, experiencing this life and this world as what it is right now, and how it is actually a necessary thing as well to go through, undoubtedly so.
Here even if one is not aware of the entire detail of why this is so or where I got this conclusion, due to the amount of time it would take to read/hear the whole history of this existence from the various sources that are available through the Desteni material and Eqafe, I can only say that if you are a person like me that has constantly worried about us having to live in this world, and constantly looking at the ‘greater picture’ more than one’s own life and experience here, and you have the time/resources and availability to learn about the history of mankind, the actual reasons for why we are here and the potential we all have in our lives, then please take a dive into the Eqafe material because it will assist you greatly in having a certainty as to ‘who we are/what we are doing here’ and at the same time, get the assistance and support to see what can one live/be/become to be part of the solution, instead of getting stuck within only seeing ‘the problems’ all the time or not having a clue about reality and still hoping that something will ‘magically erase all the problems’ which I’ve realized first hands tends to become a very gloomy view of everything without any solution, and would actually defeat the whole purpose of us realizing ourselves as co-creators of this reality and so, do our part in sorting it out.
This might sound a bit to generalized or cryptic due to not explaining the exact ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ of the story, but suffice to say that there are processes that we have to understand as creators of our reality here. We cannot be trusted with life unless we prove to ourselves in our life that we can stand as the living principles, the living intent and purpose of making our own lives work in accordance to that which would enable life to grow, expand and thrive. Currently, we are not that yet, we are in the process of starting this change at an internal level to precisely realize or ‘see with real eyes’ how much we have enslaved ourselves within our own minds and bodies to the extent where we limit ourselves, we hold ourselves back from standing as real creators of the life we want for ourselves because there are fears, there are judgments, there are mental patterns that we’ve become entirely so to the extent that we become blinded by them and not seeing the clarity of solutions, but only rehash the problem over and over again. So essentially – without the intent to judge myself and any other fellow human beings here but as a sheer realization – we have become our own trap and our own enslavement, starting with how we accept and allow ourselves to ‘operate’ and function in our own minds.
An example of this ‘acceptance and allowance’ is related to self-sabotage. I’ve been reflecting over this weekend about self-sabotage because it is a bit astounding to what extent we hold on to our failures, past destructive experiences and stories, creating this form of personal stigma that we keep carrying within ourselves as this bag of ‘dirty laundry’ that we don’t actually take to wash, lol. Meaning, there is almost this inherent nature in ourselves of self-defeatism, self-pity, self-destruction, self-sabotage to not see, lay out and focus on understanding our responsibility and so see the solutions that come with it, but instead we continue running around the same problems, memories, traumas, past experiences that we keep on ‘reloading’ in our mind, in our day to day awareness as almost a self-punishing reminder of why we are these ‘terrible’ creatures that deserve no forgiveness in life. I once was there, maybe not in the extent that other people with very difficult situations in life right now could be experiencing it, but to the point it is the same to consider that each one of us does have the ability to at least in our minds be willing to forgive ourselves, for everything that we’ve done and become. If this is not entirely understood as this actual realization of ‘what I have done and become’ and willing to let it unconditionally ‘go’ from our minds, then we are essentially condemning ourselves to live our own ‘sentencing’ as the judgments, the emotions, the memories that we’ve held on to as ‘the person we are’ and perceive ourselves to be unable to change ourselves.
Even if one may understand or see that “one has to be the change that we want to see in the world”, at a personal level we may still be holding on to this point of self-sabotage and dare I say captivity in how we treat or perceive ourselves in our own minds in a self-bullying mode, then how can we expect ourselves to move on, outgrow the old and expand in any real way?
And this is also why whenever we see or focus too much only on the ‘systemic’ problems out there, even if we take the point back to ourselves yet in doing so we perceive ourselves as powerless or unable to change or simply ‘too fucked up to do anything about it’ = it becomes the first deterrent in any process of real evolution and change in this world. And here the fact that I can become sad or worried about others doing this in their own lives, or others not having a successful living in their business becomes also a comfort zone for myself to only create an experience about it, yet it sorts nothing out either. I noticed how it’s also become too ‘comfortable’ to justify it as ‘I have a point in becoming sad about it!’ but: has sadness or worry in any ways assisted me to become a better living human being that is resourceful in solutions and also seeing immediately ways to act to sort things out or at least suggest them whenever possible? Nope, it hasn’t.
Today I actually did discuss options with the business people for example, yet at the same time realizing that it will also ultimately be their decision and what they are willing to go through of course, I still became a bit ‘down’ within myself after this discussion and surely discussed it with my partner as well once again to take myself back to this ‘greater picture’ understanding and it assists in not getting carried away with a sense of defeat. I’ve also realized that this worry has piled up from other situations I’ve become aware of lately where I see that any form of business that is geared as the kind of business/service that in fact supports the betterment of any form of living in this world gets little to no support or has to go bankrupt, because our priorities haven’t changed when it comes to what we prefer to buy and consume. Instead of say paying for a course that will assist you to become a very self-empowered individual that can become the gearing wheels to make anything in our lives work for the better – and not for a moment but for an entire lifetime – we decide to buy things that instead give us a momentary pleasurable experience that then might be blown up in smoke so to speak.
The same can be reflected with a business that focuses on ‘selling vegetables and fruits’ because if there’s more of a demand for junk food for example, then that also reflects a lot ‘where we put our money into’ and so the kind of businesses we push others to also consider as a way to thrive = and this is how we limit each other in very few options for ways to ‘ make a living’ where it is truly hard for anyone to make an ‘honest’ living with ‘honest’ activities altogether, which I dare say don’t or can’t really exist as such in a world where the very existence of money as is, is definitely not from a self-honest starting point of assisting life for example. And yet again, this is another consequence of who we are toward one another/ourselves that we’ve allowed something like money to exist the way it does now.
The same emerged upon seeing one picture of a collapsed and exhausted horse on the streets of NYC, once again realizing how much we are enslaving other beings that were once pure in their entire expression, and us humans have dominated them throughout time to turn them into the source of one’s income in an exploitative way, because: If we haven’t even focused on entitling each other human being with a dignified living income to have a decent amount of money to live well and at the same time, learn how can one best contribute back to society, then how can we not expect that the most abusive forms of ‘making a living’ emerge as a form to survive where people have to make use of animals for zoos, for hunting, for ‘romantic rides’ like in freaking NYC where this horse collapsed on the pavement as another consequential outflow of this monetary enslavement we’ve imposed toward each other – again, we have ALL – no one excused – contributed to the nature of what money is and the ‘laws’ behind its creation, which represents the exact nature and reflection of our own self-imprisonment, self-sabotage, self-punishment and ultimately self-enslavement as I explained above in terms of how we hold ourselves back from truly breaking-through to be the actual authors and directors of our lives.
So, how can we expect for example, this magical form of ‘democracy’ that currently exists to sort out things as in choosing x for z if we don’t even truly know what it means to gear one’s own power/capacity and ability as a person to be the living embodiment of what is best for oneself and so everyone else in this world? How can we even believe that such a choosing game contest that our current political circus represents, could deliver in any ways the ‘expected results’ if we live in an absolute abdication of self-responsibility and self-direction, or even a bit worse, we have no idea of what ‘that is’ or how to live it in fact?
This then goes back to oneself. It is truly a process that each one of us can take on in our most ‘simple’ day to day activities, it begins with taking on a particular experience in one’s day. Here I place my example, taking on ‘worry’ as an experience that has become almost this ingrained expression in my rictus ever since being a child, so the ‘why’ of this relates to probably other aspects that are not really needed to be ‘understood’ by myself in terms of knowing all the exact reasons and multiple dimensions to this experience – all I require to realize is that: I see it on my face, I experience it within me, I’ve been aware of it for most of my life.
So here for once and for all I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘by default’ or in a tacit manner blame money or ‘the way the system works’ that apparently prevents things from working out, instead of realizing that money works according to how we create it/make it work and function and as such any form of ‘blame’ is actually a lame way to keep oneself trapped in the problem, because it leads to no solutions, blame is like pointing the finger at a mirror that reflects ‘my error’ in any case. Therefore I realize that I have to stop these ‘hidden forms of blame’ towards money as the reason for things not working out in my life and rather realize that it is within each one of us/myself, to make money work properly in a way that is assisting for life/living, for myself and for everyone else in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the expression of worry, concern, sadness when it comes to seeing the nature of ourselves as human beings, of this world, of the nature of how ‘things work and go’ wherein I now see, realize and understand that my worry, my concern, my sadness or ‘pain’ around it does absolutely Nothing to create a solution in this world; in any case it worsens it, why? Because I become the source of my inner War as worry and concern, which are emotions, energetic experiences that deplete my own physical body, that create a ‘fog’ to not see practical solutions and creates a strain on what is here as a point of life and support for myself: my physical body, my living substance.
I commit myself to use my mind in a way that is supportive, that can always bring the point back to (my)self where I see that continuing worrying and being concerned throughout seeing things not working out in people’s lives and things in the system in general creates zero solutions in this world. Instead I focus on me, on stopping the creation/recreation of worry within myself, in my body, in the nature of this ‘saddened’ expression’ in my face where I notice it becomes a general ‘low’ in my body, voice, experience and way of ‘handling myself’ in my body, tampering my expression.
Therefore I have to ensure that as I make this active decision to stop the worry from existing within myself, I have to breathe, to actively feel my physical body to the point where I can see I am not in ‘a low’ or ‘too tense’ or lost in some mind dimension. I straighten my back, I make sure I am no longer forcing my forehead to the expression of worry but instead extend my muscles to a point of comfortable relaxation – and at the same time focus on seeing solutions, whenever these exist at my own reach, and if not I focus on working out the points for myself/by myself and sharing them as I am sharing here.
Sometimes I’ve gone through this ‘circular processes’ of seeing the ‘bigger’ and the ‘smaller’ within myself yet believing that ‘bah this is too complex to lay out and share’ but, it is not, writing assists a lot in grounding oneself to see ‘the light at the end of the tunnel’ specially when one becomes this tunnel-vision mode and at the same time who knows, maybe assist others to see the same or confirm the same points they’ve been aware of as well.
One thing is certain too and this is that there won’t be easy fixes in this world, because I’ve realized that based on the lives ‘process’ that we are all facing in this world, we are here not to be punished or just realize how enslaved we are, but we are definitely here facing and living through the manifested consequences of who we are and have become in our very own existence to THEN learn and understand how to best stand as the solution and create solutions. Therefore, it is mostly about learning, understanding ‘our creative abilities’ which means: any ‘quick fix’ to only get money and get things ‘moving fast’ toward a solution without entire awareness of HOW we came to create the mess in the first place, would almost condemn us to repeat the same mistakes, because it would prevent us from understanding the self-creation process, which means realizing how we came to ‘this point’ where we are now and so what is it within ourselves that we have to learn to do, to correct, to align in order to become an actual living being that becomes part of that which enables life and proper living. Any ‘fast tracking’ on this could be consequential at the same time, but hey again, I’m willing to be proved wrong on how certain solutions can be implemented ‘on the outside’ and invariably see this immediate understanding or alignment of individuals in their minds, their behavior to adopt living principles and never again go back to ‘the old ways.’
Therefore because of the uncanny possibility the latter represents, even if I have been there myself as the people that would want solutions ‘now, now, fast, fast!’ to relieve all the pain and the suffering in this world and to those that are in extremely dire conditions, I see that it does require active humbleness to embrace or accept the current nature of things as our manifested creation, which doesn’t meant to be ‘complacent’ or ‘do nothing at all’ about it, nope; it means not to fight it, not to become disempowered or saddened about it, but to understand it as, yes, an outcome and result of having kept ourselves limited and fearful, instead of actually developing living skills and creative abilities, actual self-supportive creative abilities to live in supportive relationships toward ourselves and our environments and so create societies that can become a structure of support for ‘our new human kindness.’
Now this ‘embracing’ or ‘acceptance’ doesn’t mean ‘look at it positively’ or ‘it’s all going to be just fine in the end’ type of ideas either, nope, not about wishful thinking. It means recognizing it as our own extension, reflection, as our own mirror (my-error) and our own creation and in doing so, in the recognition of this ‘whole mess’ as ours own, it actually empowers us, because it means no one else did it ‘onto us’ = we are the creators of it all, therefore we are also the keys, the points of change in this reality.
This would be for example the actual notion of what democracy would mean from my perspective as the ‘power of the people’, where each one of us recognizes that self-responsible ability/capacity to direct, to create, to assist in planning and constructing ways and means to conduct our lives the best possible way, individually and collectively. This approach doesn’t require the current political system as it exists, because if everyone is committing to do what is best for all, then there is no need for having person x or z to ‘represent you’ in doing something one can do for oneself… would we need ‘political factions’ with conflictive interests? Would we have the nature of ‘banks’ as they are right now? Would we have the need for the current existence of governments to ‘regulate our lives’ if we truly knew how to live in a respectful and honorable manner towards ourselves, one-another, our fellow earthlings and the earth’s resources? If we were truly aware of how interdependent we all are in this world, would there be a need to create ‘special interests’ for example? And the list goes on of potential changes that can emerge if we focus on essentially becoming self-responsible individuals that are geared to understand the problems, recognize the responsibility one holds to it and immediately direct oneself to see the solutions – within and without of oneself – in this, wouldn’t it be much easier to get to agreements, decisions processes and coexisting in a mutually beneficial system if everyone was living as the actual statement of honoring our life within and without? I bet it would, absolutely it would.
So, I also commit to stop getting worried/saddened or even a bit back into the ‘old depressed self’ as I used to be when it comes to seeing this ongoing self-destruction in the world, and understand that I rather use my living breath, my awareness, my focus, my living-body to learn what it means to live, as myself, and not having this constant ‘idea’ only in my head of ‘how bad this world is doing,’ I commit myself to not participate in such emotions but rather live as the potential of creativity and personal empowerment that exists within me to focus my life and attention to that which is supportive.
I share/propagate this awareness unconditionally for anyone that may or might face a similar ‘abyssal’ experience as the one I tend to get every now and then with this ‘world view’, yet! I can also say that throughout the years these ‘episodes’ last less and less time, because the more I stand as that decision of not contributing to the ‘wallowing’ experience but instead understanding why it emerges and so with awareness deciding to stop my participation in it, definitely becomes easier to walk through it because it then doesn’t depend on ‘the world changing’ or ‘the system changing’ out there or me voting for x or z solution or waiting for some alternative option to emerge, but instead the focus starts with and goes back to myself: who I decide to be and how I decide to live here in my life, in my body, in what I do and what I decide to focus on.
Thanks for reading
The Consciousness of the Dog – Part 2:What is the general experience within people of being alive and how does it influence your experience and perceptions of life?
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