Tag Archives: approval

531. Redefining Self-Confidence

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

Confidence is the first word to look at and the aspects that I see I require to fine tune this word are specifically in relation to an experience of hesitation, doubt and uncertainty that I’ve been facing interestingly enough in situations where I cannot really reference something ‘with others’ and where I have to stand on my own two feet, make decisions and learn to trust myself within it, learning from it.

I’ve noticed how when making decisions in my life, I’ve become used to always asking or having other people as supporters or detractors of what I decide to be and do – this being a source of ‘confidence’ for me based on how I take others’ words and perspectives as an encouraging or detracting factor for me to venture into doing something or not, and here I’m focusing mostly in relation to my expression, specifically in arts.

The outflows of this self-doubt, uncertainty or hesitation emerge upon assessing options or paths I could develop within myself when having a literal ‘white canvas’ in front of me. What emerges is that I start considering what would be approved by others, what would be most liked or appreciated by what I believe specific people could say about it – and interestingly enough, this is where what can be called as a ‘lack of confidence’ comes in, where I am desiring a point of reference, a second view from another approving or disapproving something that is very much my own expression, my own doing.

I’m actually talking about painting here, hence the ‘literal white canvas’ description, because that’s what I’ve been taking on again and I started realizing why I became so unsure of myself in something like painting or anything art related, and it all boils down to seeking a form of reassurance from others that I was doing the ‘right thing,’ or how I stopped for example taking photographs because I started judging the fact that ‘suddenly everyone can take photographs’ and it’s no longer some kind of ‘special thing’ as it was some 10 years ago when I started doing that and got to be the most prolific on it.

Therefore I saw the constant: I am having a projection, an idea of what I believe would be ‘others’ opinions’ or the expectation thereof in my mind as an obstacle within me to not continue expressing myself. And this is entirely my creation, my expectation, has nothing to do with ‘others’ really. The same when I started considering more what others were doing and comparing ‘my work’ to that of others, and how I slowly but surely got discouraged of continuing doing anything related to arts, because of having ‘others in my mind’ and using that as a source of discouragement – of course, it all has been self-created.

Therefore I can say I lost confidence in a way when it comes to expression in arts specifically – but if I look at it, was my ‘previous confidence’ actually real? Honestly not. I had built such confidence some 10 years ago based on the praise I’d get from teachers, friends, relatives, fellow artists and I kind of ‘elevated’ myself based on others’ feedback, building such confidence with having a backbone of opinions and perspectives by others that I took as ‘real’ and as a definition of ‘my work, who I am.’ This bubble then had to be burst and for the best, because if we are to truly embody and live a word, it cannot be sustained by anyone else’s opinions and perspectives but my own.

This also has to do with being sometimes ‘hyper-critical’ about my expression in the context of arts or musical expression. Same applies to playing music where I see that a tinge of fear emerges when considering ‘playing bass again’ or making music with others, because I remember all of those past times with people where I took someone’s perspective on my playing as ‘discouraging’ and in essence, I allowed myself to fall into a ‘uselessness’ experience about playing music, deciding that ‘my thing’ were visual arts and not music – essentially I took someone else’s opinion as ‘my truth’ and within that limited my ability to continue practicing and expressing through music as well. And there is really no one to blame here because it was me that took those words as ‘the ultimate truth’ = I accepted and allowed it.

And it’s relevant to say I’ve been challenging those past obstacles within me and in practice lately. I can also see why I have refrained myself from continuing to work on my artistic expression – resisting it, in other words – and in general keeping this ‘love-hate’ relationship I’ve shared when it comes to arts and expression in my life, but I am decided to for once and for all stop my drama around it and rather tackle my relationship with my expression in that realm of arts but also in general when it comes to my physical expression, because this has been one of those ‘trees I left to dry’ within my life, using several justifications  such as simply ‘not enjoying’ or having not such a ‘great time’ whenever I would paint and judging it as pointless, pondering what’s the use, etc. But the truth is that there was a background of not being sure about myself in such expression, which means I had gotten so used to ‘being sure of myself’ based on continuing to get feedback from other people to then define that ‘I’m on the right track, what I do is good stuff, this is good enough, others like it’.

So, uncertainty, doubt, hesitation about my self-expression are the result of having based my confidence on perceived good/positive feedback on anything I did, and used such opinions, views and perspectives as some kind of ‘fuel’ for my expression – which then I allowed to completely determine (or terminate, lol) my decision to express, getting to a point of not doing much for the past years, using many reasons and justifications around it.

However I’ve now been able to see the actual reason for it, and it’s because of the personal confrontation I get while making each decision on a painting or a point of expression: I have no other point of reference, there’s no one I can ask and say ‘hey, how do you see it?’ and base my next move according to someone else’s opinion – nope. It’s all on me now and that’s what’s actually cool that I am taking on again, it is not even so much about the actual ‘painting’ and result of it eventually, but more so the kind of certainty, confidence and assertiveness that I have to live while making a painting and learning to trust myself with it, as it, which I had not done before except when I first picked up painting in 2003 and I did my first paintings entirely for myself, no one else was  on my mind to ‘make them.’ However, this changed as I started showing them around and expectations started building… which I have to definitely get back to myself and develop as a trust, a comfort in my decisions to express and do.

I was sounding this word ‘confidence’ and it also sounds a bit like ‘comfy-dense’ as in solid-comfort where there’s assertiveness, there’s trust, there’s substance yet comfort, flow, expression in it and this is what I want to keep focusing on and deliberately applying while expressing myself, especially when it comes to trusting my decisions, and stopping having what I believe are ‘others’ opinions’ in my own mind.

This will continue….

Thanks for reading.

 

Suggested support:

Confidence: Practical Support – Atlanteans – Part 152

Self-Honesty

 

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Day 31.Fawning

fawn
n    verb give a servile display of exaggerated flattery or affection. Show slavish devotion, especially by rubbing against someone
to court favor by a cringing or flattering manner

 

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that for instance what I like or dislike on YouTube will determine breath by breath ‘who I am’, and what I allow Earth to become.” Bernard Poolman 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as fawning wherein such likeness/ appraisal  is seen by myself as only seeking approval/ bootlicking in order to not render an actual recognition to another as an equal, but only seeking self-glorification through association, without realizing that this is only me and my association as judgments toward other beings’ expression that I must take back to self to see where and how I am existing as the judgment toward recognizing another’s work/ job/ expression due to deeming it as ‘fawning’ and in that, believing that acknowledging another’s work/activity will diminish ‘who I am,’ when in fact it is only an ego that can feel like ‘diminishing’ upon recognizing another’s work/ expression – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  harbor and perpetuate  such mindfucks about being able to openly like and demonstrate recognition of another as an example of something that is an actual expression of self, to ‘like’ something that I realize is in support of what’s best for all life, because I want to remain as ‘exclusive’ within my preferences and using a mind-value scheme to decide what I ‘like’ and what I ‘dislike’ according to the person behind the point of expression/ work/ words, which implies that I am still existing as a mind robot that is easily mind controlled according to preferences and preconditions acquired throughout a lifetime of secret elitism toward others in means of becoming an elitist myself and seeking the same ‘special recognition’ by ‘special people’ in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how within me judging others as fawning in means of being subservient, I am in fact recreating the same hierarchical systems that I have judged and opposed throughout my life, without even seeing or being aware how within my own backchat deeming people as ‘bootlickers’ I was already diminishing others in my mind in means of remaining ‘superior’ as ‘knowing better than licking another’s boots’; this reveals to what extent I have become the very waste of breaths that have allowed such projected degradation onto others in seemingly ‘unimportant points, ‘ which can define actual spitefulness and separation if such fawning goes ‘unnoticed’ and deliberately ignored due to considering it as ‘irrelevant,’ while in fact it is as relevant as can be, because it is a constant point that we participate in wherein we make sure that we support all that supports life, without placing any point of preference above principle.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression in fear of being seen as toadyish toward others in means of recognition through association, which is simply existing in my mind as a limitation to not openly like and share and express the recognition toward a point that is supportive for life, because I have created my own limitations according to what I can ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ which is only a mind-creation that stands as the very separation of ourselves when opting out for judgment instead of an open integration of self as an equal to others and others’ expressions/ words/ work/ deeds that can be placed as an example toward more people and in that in fact support a world that is living by the law of neighborism wherein what’s best for all is unconditionally given and received as we know that the benefit is for all equally.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be constantly judging people as being pleasing and cowering toward others in positions of authority in means of approval, which I had judged as subservient/ bootlicking and obvious display of manipulation,  without realizing that I have also lived by seeking recognition and wanting to be pleasing in order to, for example, keep another ‘happy’ by my side in a relationship, which is no different to accepting any form of hierarchy/ authority in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever cower toward another and simply submitting to orders without questioning it out of fear, which means that I have only projected my won judgment to what I accepted and allowed myself to live by throughout my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop a mirroring effect whenever I would perceive and judge someone’s expression as fawning and subservient toward myself, wherein I would agree to such flattery situation out of convenience as it implies keeping relationships of self-interest and social relationships in place, which means that such attitude is accepted and ‘liked’ in a general way due to its fake display of empathy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as smarmy when being fawning others in what I perceive and have judged as simply seeking attention and acceptance through others, without realizing that these judgments only exist as part of the nasty backchat that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as , which reveals who I am as the eternal judge in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to compromise my expression in means of pleasing/ being liked/ being wanted by others through presenting an image of myself that could most likely be praised as I knew that it would then highlight my ego and make me ‘feel better about myself’ through others’ words/ recognition.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find fawning as something loathsome and self-deprecating wherein I deem that the person that is ‘fawning’ is placing themselves as inferior to that someone that they are praising, when in fact fawning can only exist if I allow myself to give continuation to judgments toward others’ expressions as either good/ bad and positive and negative.

 

 

When and as I see myself judging others as apparently being fawning something/ someone – I stop and I breathe.- I realize that such perception over reality is only my own judgments imposed onto others as me being able to judge place them in an ‘inferiority’ position, because of being willing to recognize another’s words, deeds, work, without realizing that life has not placed preference upon any point in creation – it’s only been ourselves that sought to ‘become more’ through obtaining words of self-glorification from others as a point of motivation to ‘keep going,’ instead of being unconditional my movement within reality.

 

I realize that within me having participated in judging others as ‘fawning,’ as dishonest and phony within their expression in means of seeking approval through praising others, I am only revealing what I have lived by in seeking recognition myself, in which I have lead myself to exist as the constant judge in my head that places separation upon others to then ‘devalue’ them in my mind;  this without realizing how  I’ve practiced the elitist preferences and likes as a way to see people as either genuine or phony in their appraisal toward others.

 

I see, realize and understand that I must make sure that we in fact start looking at ourselves as physical bodies that we can unite forces-with in order to create what’s best for all, wherein rivalry and potential antagonism – promoted as competition in means of development – is exposed as a means that has money as a background to continue in such mental value-schemes that separate ourselves from who we are as life.   I see, realize and understand that the only way to stop me from existing as these thoughts is through realizing that all points of even the minutest separation imply that I am not here breathing and unconditionally supporting myself and others as life,  but that I am  still existing as the very point of monetization toward reality as the power games developed when recognizing, praising another’s expression in means of ego.

 

Within this I realize that I am able to transform the usual egotistical seeking of recognition into an equal and one Self-recognition as Life in application, wherein we support all beings equally, regardless of whatever idea, belief and perception we may have about others in our reality.

The Equal Money System is the solution to stop this silent acceptance and allowance of different values as backchat projected onto others, that we have made our current world system that thrives on competition, backstabbing and deliberate means of degrading others to uplift oneself, as the deception that has become the result of having defined  ‘who we are’ as mind drones live in a constant fight for survival, to be ‘more’/ ‘remaining special,’ keeping ourselves occupied within our mind, instead of becoming an actual proof of how it is possible to live as equals wherein all judgments cease to  exist and only unconditional self-support as the equal recognition of a living expression in equality remains.

 

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have abdicated my directive responsibility and action, breath by breath, to energy – by creating automated, energetic, justified, conscious actions to represent me as breath, using the energy as motivation and reason for movement without any actual awareness present, breath by breath – to check what I am accepting and allowing to be created by energy on Earth. Because I have not checked all breath by breath actions and the consequences: even though the consequences clearly show that Life has been replaced by energy, causing massive global abuse.” Bernard Poolman

 

Humble = humus ‘ground’

 

Blogs:

Day 31: The Secret of Breath
The Chicken or the Egg??? – Part One: DAY 30

 

 

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