464.Changing My World View

Or how I stopped feeding a back door/way out or ‘quick fix’ belief in my reality

 

A continuation on:

454. Embracing Living Potentials

 

There’s something interesting that I’ve noticed not only in myself but through and walking with various individuals I also have the opportunity to assist and support, and that is how much of our own way of looking at thing in our reality, our lives changes as we go walking through our minds which means, understanding ourselves better, getting to know the nooks and crannies of ourselves in terms of how we think, why we experience ourselves in a certain manner in certain situations, what motivates us, what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to fear, to desire, to procrastinate, to hold on to in various ways… it can be endless to get to know us to the T in all aspects. However the more that I’ve gotten to do this and worked through with myself not only to understand me, but to also directly work on changing these aspects, what tends to change as well is the way that we see the world, see our lives and so the way that we experience ourselves in it all.

I can identify with many people I work with where our minds usually tended to look for the pessimistic, fatalist and all-destructive outcomes as a sort of a desired outcome for humanity, believing that it’s the way to do justice to the Earth and Life and all other sentient beings that are not humans. However as much as this could be an acceptable idea, I also had to acknowledge and recognize the fact that a part of me actually was giving up on myself and on everyone else’s potential to change, which translates the whole point of ‘wanting an Armageddon or ultimate self-destruction’ in wanting the ‘easy way out’ while believing this is only fair to Life, that it’s fair to the animals, that it’s fair to nature etc.

Well, once that I understood my own desire to ‘run away’ from reality and justifying it within these seemingly irrefutable facts above, I stopped advocating such ideas in my head and it wasn’t something easy to stop identifying myself with, because as long as I held to my reasons, justifications and blame toward all of us humans for creating the world system ‘as is’ and causing so much destruction and suffering towards what’s here, I was focusing only on the idea of doing what seems right or fair as a form of vendetta that life could take on us, and me accepting it in a form of apparent martyrdom, lol – but more and more I started realizing that I in fact liked to entertain those thoughts of imminent destructions because in reality, I wanted an easy way out of our responsibility that we all hold and have to what is here as our creation, which is this whole world as is.

How do I see that I’ve been slowly but surely changing this approach is based on how I interact with reality. A daily example is how I watch or read news everyday as I’ve shared before in blogs, and how I continually work on not allowing information ‘get a hold of me’ and so driving myself to feed again that self-destructive or ‘end of the world’ type of desire, which became even a sort of experience at an energetic level where a part of me would be really wishing everything to just go wrong and end ‘asap’.

Here what happens when not entertaining those ‘easy way out through destruction’ thoughts any longer and making peace with the realization that: we are not going anywhere, we are here to build the solutions from the ground up, bit by bit, no matter how ‘long’ or how ‘hard’ it may seem, there is like a point of ‘making peace’ with who I am, with what is here as our reality, with what we’ve become as human beings and so instead of continually being existing in friction and conflict towards ‘us’ as the creators of what is here, ‘building my case’ to kind of ‘prove to life’ that ‘we are not worthy as human beings, that we should be eradicated from the face of the earth ASAP’, I have been instead focusing more on seeing where I can start, where do we have to start as human beings to build sustainable solutions from the ground up, and this starts at a very individual level really, which is why I and many others are focusing on this level of self-awareness and so self-creation along with others to understand how is it that as we all go changing one by one, long lasting external changes will invariably also be created as a result of this individual self-change.

With this I am implying how my way of looking at things changed from destruction to creation. I am more grounded and realistic, more ‘here’ in the sense of embracing and accepting what is existent as ourselves, as this world – not to leave it ‘as is’ of course, but to simply stop continually fighting it in a silent yet continuous mode and I can definitely say that this continuous inner fight projected on the ‘outside’ leads nowhere other than procrastinating the real process of self-change that we can start by and with ourselves first. In short, I stopped ‘blaming’ and instead focused more on starting with changing this very aspect of ‘blaming’ and projecting my own experiences onto ‘the world out there’ – self responsibility first of all.

I find it somehow easier to see reality for what it is, to go stopping the judgments that I would usually entertain and feed within the idea of still building a case as to why we are just ‘lost’ and ‘without a remedy therefore we should just cease to exist’, seeing ourselves – human beings – as a cosmic joke, a mistake that should have never been and it is this kind of experiences of disgust, misanthropy in a way and a deep desire to just ‘end it all’ that would continually cloud my view of reality even in subtle yet ever present ways that would be creating this noise for me to not be able to see the potential in me and so in others in a full and crystal clear manner, because there were these constant back doors within me as seemingly ‘hidden desires’ for a ‘quick fix’ really, a way to just ‘end it all’ and not have to face the actual process of learning to recognize and take responsibility for our creation, to understand what is it that we’ve exactly accepted and allowed and so be willing to self forgive, let go of that past and do the work to actually change ourselves to something that we can live with and stand by for the rest of our existence.

Here it’s clear for me to see that one can have the greatest understanding of things and be agreeing with principles and ideas that represent a better outcome for all life, but I saw myself how as long as I held on to these ‘backdoors’ as ‘way outs’ that I still held as something that ‘makes sense’ that is ‘justifiable’ and is an ‘acceptable’ thing to exist within me, I would still eventually exert those beliefs as experiences and judgments that I would project onto ‘humanity’ out there. It’s interesting because I didn’t create a particular ‘personal fight’ against a particular faction of human beings, but all of them/us ‘en masse’ and so whenever doing that exercise where one can bring up the first word that comes to mind when holding in our minds an image of humanity, all that came up in me was an experience I can encompass as disdain, despair, disappointment, disgust, things that represented that part of myself that was not yet seeing the potential that each one of us hold within ourselves, which is of course yet to be developed.

So, upon walking those judgments that would turn into experiences that I would project towards ‘humanity’, I realized how I was only doing what most of us human beings do: blame, being lame in seeing others as ‘the problem’ for what we are experiencing, which as much as I could have reasons and validations for this experience with me based on the, yes, obvious destruction and enslavement we’ve imposed to all life, I had to also realize that there is really no point in blaming as that only keeps me locked into this fatalist experience, seeing no potentials in other beings – therefore within myself – and at the same time, it becomes a comfort zone to not actually change me, challenge me, my views because I believe that ‘I am right, I am making a point with those desires!’ – but that righteousness is precisely what easily blinds us from understanding where we are in fact still reacting, still blaming  – even in very subtle ways – like in the form of ‘doing justice’ or ‘doing what’s right’ yet still holding such experience within me that came from a starting point of giving up, of not wanting to do the actual work and dedication it will take to sort anything out in this world, starting with ourselves.

Therefore, I find it very relevant to check every time that I see myself getting again into that ‘despondent’ experience within me, where I start again building my ‘web’ or my case for seeing ‘no way out’ for us as human beings, which can be as easily as going into the streets and making a mind-decision to focus more on all the things that are wrong, that are consequential, that are creating problems, all the interactions between people that seem problematic and emotional, all the poverty, all the disregard for one another and go building my case as to why it is futile to stand up for any change because ‘look at humanity! It’s impossible!’ Really?

I’ll dare to say nope, it’s not – because I am living this change myself and I am walking it in a very real time process with people in my life that many others could have probably given up on long ago, which is still a process to walk but every day It assists me in seeing what is possible in real time change, only requiring a directive decision and awareness by each one of us to do so, and it’s quite marvelous and I can say for the first time this is not only me doing it in my own life, but also seeing it first hand in the lives of many that I also have the fortune to be walking with in this process and assisting directly as well in their personal Desteni I Process courses.

So whenever I get to feel ‘despondent’ towards the things out there in the world, whenever I get to feel that way in ‘rough times’ I can now use yesterday’s word and remind myself of Hope as an indication that my experience is letting me know there are new ways to explore to create solutions, there is a need to check within myself where is it that I am giving up and so how can I practically create ways through and solutions to the situation I am in or that I can contribute to in the lives of others.

I can therefore openly say that we are the hope for humanity, for real, because we are actively working individually and together in many parts around the world to start one by one creating and sticking to living this self-change that for many that have come and gone, seemed impossible. I definitely can understand all the reasons of why some decided to not follow through with it, I can understand every weakness that leads oneself to make such decisions because in one way or another, I’ve faced those myself in many ways including intense manners as well. But I am also glad to say that those were supportive challenges for me to continually re-affirm my vow to my life and the life in everything/us all – they have been parts of what I can call ‘the eye of the needle’ tests that I’m sure I’ll have to keep on walking through because this is only what is common sensical to do if we are to stand as individuals that can truly stand one and equal to life in all ways, I would not allow half-ways or dubious selves to be part of it.

This is then a realization and sharing of one of  my most tricky, yet ever present, obstacles that I have been able to ‘crackdown’ within myself in the past few months, and it’s quite a lol as well because it’s that which I had become or ‘lived’ within myself to such an extent that I was not even questioning such ‘nature’ in me as this character or set of patterns that saw ‘no way out’ but still found it important to stick to walking this process, while I was still holding on to a part of my easy-way-out ego that preferred to not see potential so as to not have to do the actual work to unearth it, ‘carve it out’, sculpt it and polish it so to speak, which means to actually develop and create something. In essence, diminishing myself in the belief that I could not ‘keep up with’ or be able to stick through the actual process to do this, but here I am going to challenge and prove that self-belief wrong by doing this for real.

This year is coming to an end and as much as it is funny to see people in social media ‘hating’ 2016, I more like understand where that sentiment is coming from, and as much as I could have joined that same charade in older times, I stand corrected with gratefulness for all the various challenges and changes and definitive decisions I took on this year which were quite a few, all of them having their ‘2 cents’ forcing me to look at deeper within me in order to process stuff, to change, which is great I mean, how else could I have gotten to that if it wasn’t for these challenges in our reality?

So, one thing is certain and that is how I definitely don’t see the world as I used to at the beginning of this year, I am committing myself to keep developing that focus on potential, on what is possible, on what can be worked on, carved out, sculpted and polish in each one of us and it’s truly gratifying to do this, I cannot be more grateful than being able to have the trust and confidence of other people walking this process directly with me as assisting them in walking through this same process in a parallel mode with myself, which is definitely not only a ‘one way’ form of support, it’s absolutely mutual as well. I definitely would like us all human beings to be able to do this for each other, to create relationships of support, care, nurturing each other’s lives and having that starting point of being there for each other, genuinely care to contribute in someone’s life to be better in whichever way we can, that’s what to me life is about, at least my current definition of course, but has certainly become one of my living purposes without a doubt.

Looking back to ‘check ourselves’ is cool and to keep a note on all the points yet to be worked on in the following year.

Thanks for reading aaand

Please give yourself some time to hear this awesome episode of Desteni Radio that definitely inspired and evoked this reflection within me today:

 

Desteni Radio # 10 – Joe Goes Mad Part 2: There is no Quick Fix

 

and a great quote from it:

 

 

If you’d like some support in preventing and being 1+ person that stands up for life in a practical day to day living manner, check out:

• School Of Ultimate Living | Facebook

• EQAFE.Com : SELF Education and SELF Awareness Store

• 7 Year Journey To Life Process : People Sharing their Processes of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction

• Desteni Radio

• Desteni Articles

• Destonians

• Desteni I Process

• Agreement/Redefining Relationship Course

• Desteni Forum : Discuss and share with us

• Desteni Wiki

• Desteni Español

• Creation’s Journey to Life

• Heaven’s Journey To Life

243. The Sublime and the End of the World

While listening to the Doomsday Activist Life Review, I realized that I had precisely gone for the exhilaration and experience of having a certain moment wherein ‘something’ had to happen in this world  as an ultimate doomsday scenario/ Armageddon type of event, because there were just ‘too many points converging into the same day’ that it was almost undeniable that something would happen, but what? I actually thought for a moment that consciousness would cease to exist that day  – lol – and before Desteni, I thought it was time for a major catastrophe that I simply ‘dreamed of.’

 

“So, it’s interesting that, it has never been Questioned: “Why are there so many different, varying “One’s” and each One believe itself to be “the Right One.” I mean, all the different Prophecies/Predictions cannot ‘materialize’ Simultaneously…with some believing in Ascension, others Jesus coming, others The End of the World by a physical/natural Occurrence and all the different Prophecies/Predictions are aligned with a particular Spirituality/Religion/Movement/Science and each one of those believe themselves to be “the Real Deal”. That, within this – human beings have not seen, realised and understood what all these “the One’s / Chosen One’s” have in common: they abdicate All Responsibility of Individual Human Beings to/as what ‘life on earth’ is/has become, and facilitate more as a distraction and preoccupation from/of Self-Responsibility, Life Responsibility to/as this Physical Existence.” – Sunette Spies *

 

To understand this point better and how I made of ‘The End of the World’  ‘my theme’ and favorite topic is looking also at some of the artwork that I made, which was mostly doomsday-like which I explain here  2008 Paintings portraying slavery of system and can be reviewed at the top of this blog in the Artwork section.

 

Even after a while I kept doing the same thing, doing series of different characters that would end up being part of this depiction of the end of the world, which reveals how much I was truly expecting it, desiring it, making it a recurrent topic and driving-force to be ‘creative’ just because I would get a kick out of it. This is what I could Identify as Sublime after reading Heaven’s Journey To Life blog that I will quote later on.

 

According to Schopenhauer and the ‘types of sublime’ I will be looking at are:

• Sublime – Turbulent Nature. (Pleasure from perceiving objects that threaten to hurt or destroy observer).
• Full Feeling of Sublime – Overpowering turbulent Nature. (Pleasure from beholding very violent, destructive objects).

 

According to E. Burke: “With his Philosophical Enquiry into the Origin of our Ideas of the Sublime and Beautiful (1757) Edmund Burke defined canonically its aesthetical prominence as the satisfaction arising from the removal of an imminent threat.” – Wiki Entry on Sublime

 

Last Man on Earth 2009

 

I’ll place one ‘static example.’ This is the last man on Earth. And I would usually depict people having One eye closed, probably depicting that we have always deliberately ‘played blind’ to not see what we are doing to each other and this world, and this man as the last man on Earth turned eventually one-side blind as a result of having neglected reality. It also expresses the shame and regret about what we’ve done. His appearance is deliberately depicting our self consumption when living for the ideals of the ‘who we are’ in the mind– his clothes denote a battered ‘elitist lifestyle’ that has gone through trials and tribulations, some sort of survival point upon the death of the rest of humanity and animas. He’s standing upon a thousand words yet he seems to have nothing to say but his heart is beating and his lungs seem in a good state – he is alive. His hands have turned into the symbol that depicts life, he might be able to start from scratch to create a new world that supports life in Equality, if he can forgive himself past all the regret.

 

Continuing from:

• 241. The EndGame Show: 2012

• 242. Overwhelmed by the Abuse upon Life?
  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the ‘end of the world scenarios’ as a source of excitement and exhilaration due to the actual fear that I would have with regards to witnessing an ‘end of the world’ scenario, without actually taking into consideration what such ‘end’ would mean and how it is that we would be in essence drawing ourselves back to zero and actually miss out the opportunity to use what is already here as this world and simply give it direction within a new consideration, a new path which is Life in Equality,  and within this: there is no need to destroy/ obliterate the world, but we can simply agree to slowly but surely go stopping our current ways in which we are existing as world-system and civilization and consider new ways of living wherein we can start regarding the environment/ the ecosystem as an actual living being equal and one to ourselves, and within that, establish solutions so that we stop the mass extinction, abuse and exploitation of life in the name of our personal benefits as ‘progress’ and ‘evolution’ that is only the result of us disregarding life and using it to power up our mind-realities of what ‘advancements’ are supposed to be like, disregarding the fact that the life of human beings, animals, plants is not taken into consideration when only using what is here in the name of power/ success/ evolution that is in fact only the evolution of the mind, not life quality. This also implies that I only used this ‘hype’ to tag along and generate an entire personality based on this ‘death and destruction’ ideals, simply because it is so much easier to hope for the end of the world than actually doing something to sort it out and create a new start for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rejoice and get excited about a possible ‘something’ happening in 2012 in order to wake up humanity, and expecting some form of cloudy messy doomsday on a particular date, without realizing that within such waiting it is only a distraction and entertainment to not look at the reality that is already here and pretty much existing  in a doomsday scenario, wherein the billions that have no support from the system to live in dignity live a doomsday on a daily basis – within this (Watch ‘In Heaven everything is fine’ video below.)

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to romanticize this ‘end of the world’ for my own entertainment and ‘delight’ as that expectation and getting a kick out of participating in imagination as all sorts of pictures and end of the world scenes that I would simply dedicate myself to paint, because I wanted to in one way or another be able to ‘predict’ what would happen and as such, also depict myself as one of the last standing on Earth, being a ‘chosen one’ which is the actual desire that I had and wanted to fulfill as a self-prophecy that I wanted to witness, no different to me being expecting a certain ‘event’ such as a concert or a trip and generating the same amount of expectation and excitement about it, which proves to what extent I actually disregarded what such pain and suffering really Is and only made images about it for the sake of propelling my own fascinations as the actual fear that I had toward witnessing some form of ultimate destruction on Earth – which is what I will have to go through as what I in fact experienced. Sublime experience.

 

Now, I suggest reading HOPE – The Metaphysical Carrot: DAY 237

and specifically HOPE – the Metaphysical Carrot (Part 3): DAY 239 

 

I left a comment there with the following realization:

Concepts like the ‘sublime’ have become clear through reading this, which is something I would link to 2012 in the past, all of this from the branch within philosophy and aesthetics of an image/painting that would cause you this ‘sublime experience’ as an actual fear turned into a point of attraction/ rejoice – which is also what Mykey explained in #9 Demons in the Afterlife Interview – all makes sense now.

Here I share some on this point from the Wiki entry on sublime:

“Burke’s treatise is also notable for focusing on the physiological effects of the sublime, in particular the dual emotional quality of fear and attraction noted by other writers. Burke described the sensation attributed to the sublime as a “negative pain” which he called delight, and which is distinct from positive pleasure. Delight is taken to result from the removal of pain (caused by confronting the sublime object) and is supposedly more intense than positive pleasure.”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sublime_(philosophy)

So essentially, same mechanism of ‘hope’ but sublime is more focused even more so just on the energetic experience in itself, without any form of ‘change’ but plain delight/ pleasure and all of that which is caused when looking at terror from afar. What a great mindfuckistic reality we have created. It is definitely time to stop.

 

I cannot say anything else but, this is an entire energetic experience that I had been quite keen on, the point of turning a fear into a fascination and the ‘end of the world’ is one of the fascinations I cultivated ever since I was probably a 5 years old or so when I wanted to be alien abducted with my dad, lol which is precisely what I describe in that video, later on fueled by songs like ‘Spaceman’ by Babylon Zoo – lol. Now, I am reviewing this just to see to what extent we can turn fears into fascinations and even more so, making it a point of pleasure/ excitement/ exhilaration and entertainment/distraction for MY personal experience, MY satisfaction, MY own delight, MY inspiration, depressions and general lack of desire to live, simply because of being subsumed in this ‘I want it all to end’ type of self-experience, just an absolute victimization that has permeated my being till this very day, as I see that any form of ‘lack of drive’ is just because I am not feeding anymore my usual energetic experiences that I had linked to a constant ‘looking forward’ to the future, but instead, the hereness that I am integrating myself as is experienced as a junky going on rehab, that’s what is ‘tough’ about this process and this is but one aspect of what I will be ‘withdrawing’ from.

 

Even the music that I listened to like Godspeed You Black Emperor – my favorite band within the schemes of my last ‘music junky’ fanatic phase –  I could define as this type of ‘Sublime’ / End of the world experience- you can read their story here for the first time told by themselves, since they are the type of people that would rather not speak at all but ‘let their music speak’ and have a look at the type of mentality I was absolutely drawn to, which became my inspiration on a daily basis within my life some 6 years ago.  I’ll leave a couple of videos I made with their music at the end of this blog.

 

When placing all of this little world of my own fascinations into perspective of the actual reality that is going on, I see that I am still drawn to this ‘romantic’ side of reality instead of focusing on the actuality of what is here and focusing not on cultivating further experiences I might get from music or arts in this doomsday-everything is fucked-vein for that matter, but focusing on actual reality considerations that I can educate myself on in order to stop any form of personal-endeavors to cultivate my fascinations instead of taking Self Responsibility for what is here.

 

So I’ll be walking this ‘branch’ of my artistic personality related to the sublime specifically and end of the world/lack of desire to live in blogs to come. This is what happens when a single character such as the ‘tormented artist’ in reality justifies absolute irresponsibility that becomes a morbid fascination and delight and see it as ‘okay’ it is an aesthetic category, it’s okay to cultivate it. Good for you, little artist.

 

Must Read Blogs:

• Day 243: Happy Birthday and God – ADC – Part 90

• This blog is part of the After Death Communication Series

• *The Chosen One (Part Three): DAY 243

 

Interviews:

• Quantum Systemization- The Maze of Amazement System- 4

• Life Review – A Doomsday Activist

• The Consciousness of the Frog – Part 1

 

My End of the World video creations:

• Dead Flag Blues (Godspeed You Black Emperor)

• 2012 WAR NO MORE (Sleep by GYBE)

• The Shape of Things to Come

• In Heaven Everything is Fine

81. ‘We’re all going to die anyways’

Doomsday Character making the decisions for me.

 

Once that an apparent ‘choice’ is made and you decide to walk it: there’s no turning back. You face the consequences because, you decided to walk it for yourself.

Here I expose how I started creating excuses to not be absolutely self-directive in my career choice due to and because of still holding beliefs about the future, and specifically, 2012. I have exposed this point in the 2012 Death and Destruction post – however, this time is to expose the specific self-talk I used in relation to my career as a way to not have to actually direct myself to create a stable and self-directive future within the world system. I instead used the ‘art career’ as a way to only ‘get by’ in what I thought was ‘in the meantime’ of some major catastrophe/ end of the world scenario would take place.

I am writing this here, middle of 2012 and the sheer look at the backchat that I held for such a long time about 2012 as ‘the End’ seems laughable, however I did use it in ‘real life’ to make decisions. I mean, how far can we lead ourselves to when existing as Hope and in a general sense of uselessness to see no point in being/ becoming absolutely self-directive and self-responsible, just because of thinking that ‘I am going to die anyways.’

 

Let’s look at this character

Pattern: Future projection based on a belief of ‘the end of the world’ used as a means to not take absolute self-responsibility and self direction for myself toward a best for all outcome.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the year 2012 as an excuse to study something that I could ‘at least’ have some fun with while waiting for ‘the world to end’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in my life based on what I thought was going to be ‘the end of the world’ and it matching it with it being ‘the last year of my career at school’ wherein I thought that the world was going to be in severe problems/ the shit would be extremely hitting the fan by ‘then’/now, and that there was no point in “killing myself” to study a career to have a ‘promissory future’ of success and money, if we were all going to die anyways.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to base my entire life upon a belief of ‘the end,’ and make decisions according to what I believed was ‘a certainty,’ without realizing that I was not even aware of myself breathing and that I cannot even take the next breath for granted – thus I realize how massively deluded I was and how I programmed myself from a very young age to only ‘live up to’ the very last year of ‘the end of the world’ as 2012.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make this decision the day that I watched all the conspiracy theories and the end of days prophecies in Discovery Channel when I was around 9 years old, and from that moment on imprint this belief within me as a certainty, which is how I built my fascination for ‘death and destruction’ as a certainty in this world, becoming the character that gets a kick out of everything that points out to ‘death and destruction,’ just because of this validating and reinforcing my belief on 2012 being ‘the end of the world,’ validating my excuses and justifications to not walk a life that will ‘last for long’ anyways.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘Why should I ‘kill myself’ within walking some extremely difficult career to secure a future if we are all going to die anyways?’ and accordingly make decisions in my life, believing that I was really living ‘the last days.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make the type of art that would depict the belief of ‘the end of days’ simply because I could not see any other future for the Earth, without realizing that in doing so, I was already giving up and seeing ‘no way out’ – never realizing how I was in fact making essential decisions within my life based on a lie/belief that I had in no way a proof or certainty of. And, even if it was ‘real’ in such case, the single decision to find the way to make the ‘least effort’ was absolutely unacceptable as within this starting point of seeing everything in the future as ‘useless,’ I was already dooming my decision to fail, because I was not directing myself within the starting point of living/ directing myself to support myself to live, but I made the decision from the ‘doomsday character’ that was only getting ready to die.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘At least I will study that which ‘I’ wanted to study’ which is the spitefulness that I based my entire decision of studying art upon, not realizing that the backlash of me making decisions based on spitefulness – such as going ‘against the tide’ as I’ve described previously – and wanting to ‘escape the system’– would eventually hit back to me, because it was never an informed decision, but more of an infatuation-based decision which implies that, just like when you get yourself in a relationship based on the idea of love, I got into art school while ‘being in love’ with art, but not really considering the practicality of me walking it as an actual career throughout my life.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in life based on preference/ like and infatuation leading to an obsession that I would justify and excuse, in every possible way, just like a religious person defending their faith – which is how I would shut off anyone sharing further perspectives about me ‘studying art’ and what I had to consider in practical living reality, but because I was so blinded by my desire, I did not hear and went for it by mere desire to fulfill my dream.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take ‘my career’ as ‘my battle won against the system’ which implied my own family, the expectations that I believed and perceived everyone had about me studying some type of scientific/ mathematical career with a bright future ahead – but instead in my desire to ‘spite everyone’s expectations on me,’ I went for that which I thought would not be so consuming and draining to go through, believing that ‘my mission in life was something greater,’ and that there was no career for that. Besides of justifying this career choice in an almost imminent end of the world scenario that I believed was going to happen in 2012.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to even plan my future based on only having 6 years left of life, when I began my career, which reveals to what extent I was possessed by belief s and ideas of “the end of the world,” speaking self-righteously about it with people almost as if I had seen it for myself coming.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, within this apparent ‘certainty,’ also hold the fear of ‘What if nothing happens?’ which I would immediately hide and suppress by continuing talking myself into the ‘doomsday scenario,’ so that I did not have to face my reality, my choices in life and the decisions I had made based on a blatant belief, immediately talking myself into the next greatest way to ‘suppress’ the actual self-responsible realization with ‘Then, I’ll find a way’ which is how I tend to lead my life based on a ‘miracle-based future,’ wherein I expect things to ‘happen’ to me instead of me being the directive principle in every moment of my existence.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the character and pattern of ‘leaving things just be’ and within that, abdicating all my self-responsible directions in life to a consequential outflow that I had ‘faith’ was already ‘laid out for me in a positive manner,’ which was all pretty much based on beliefs in life paths, reincarnation, astrology and everything that I could use to see myself as a pattern that had a certain future of success.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my decision in life because of not seeing myself in ‘survival mode’ wherein I would use the backchat ‘It’s not like I’m going to starve to death or something’ as a way to not worry about myself and my future, just because of using my family/ parents as a ‘backup’ in financial terms, wherein I believed that ‘if everything goes wrong = I at least have my parents to back me up for it

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a laxity about the future based on me not being existing in a survival mode, wherein money is ‘not a problem’ and believing that no matter what, I would always have someone to support me – this I used to validate my career choice as ‘acceptable,’ because of not having to worry if I didn’t make it, because I would not apparently ever end up with no money at all, just because of trusting that I would always be supported by my family.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my own self-responsibility in life toward my parents/ family being this ‘security’ in financial terms, wherein I knew that it would not matter if I was not ‘immediately successful,’ but that I would ‘make it somehow’ which was me projecting myself into the future as Hope, as ‘hoping’ that I would somehow ‘put my shit together and hit the jackpot’ in the artworld.

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘Why should I even project myself in a future and plan it out if we are all going to die anyways’ – which is the perfect excuse that I used to not have to be self-directive in every single step and decision I took in life, leaving it all to an imminent future that I would then have to simply ‘cope with,’ without really considering the consequential outflow of my decisions and the future as to realizing what can I do/ how can I practically direct myself to place myself in a position in the world system wherein I can ensure I can support myself no matter what.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that ‘I’d rather ‘live in the moment and let all the woes of the future behind’ which was just me talking to myself into a state of laxity about my life, my decisions, my career and future based on this belief of ‘there’s nothing we can do, the end is imminent’ which was a statement of ‘I am only waiting to die’ which is exactly how I was living in the past, based on beliefs and ideas of ‘the end of the world,’ but also for the experience of finally ‘resting in peace’ from this world, as the final dot that I connected the belief of death to sentence ourselves to.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize how this ‘desire to die’ and for everything to end was also a character so that I didn’t have to be actually directing myself to construct a platform and foundation for myself and my future, but instead simply become this person that ‘surrenders to whatever comes,’ which is how spirituality influenced my life without me even being aware of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘surrender’ to the future by thinking that ‘There’s nothing I can do to stop it (the end) if it’s already written how it ill be” which became a comfortable thought I could resort to whenever fear, anxiety and nervousness about myself and my future would emerge.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should rather ‘enjoy life and live to the fullest in the time left’ which is how I allowed myself to go deep into pointless habits and a general self-deprecation toward myself, the world and my own relationships that were based on the support of this view on the world, so that I would not have to worry about actually considering solutions to myself, the world as myself and stand up from such doomsday scenario playing in my head; Instead I used people, images, beliefs and the witnessing of reality as a way to confirm that ‘I was right about the end of the world’ and that it was visible at plain sight we were on our way toward it.

 

I realize that even till this day, the atrocities, abuse and absolute mayhem we Are witnessing in the world are still linked to my belief of ‘the world is gonna end soon’ which I have stopped, but has remained as a way to ‘hinder’ my ability to see myself in the future, just because of thinking that this world is way too fucked up to be corrected. Thus I realize that within seeing ‘the world’ as a big massive self-destructive picture, I get this anxiety and hopelessness experience toward it which is the character that I have played throughout my life in order to ‘give up’ before even starting in walking myself as being the solution that we require in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘at least art was a cool past-time for my ‘last days’ lol, which is how I would talk myself into convincing me that I had made the right choice because everything was going to ‘go to hell’ anyways, yet also believe that in the end, everything would always be ‘just fine,’ so that I would make of ‘the end’ this nice picture in my head instead of imagining all the suffering that would ensue with it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the epitome of laxity and uselessness toward myself as my own life, my career choice, my decisions, my relationships wherein all that I was supporting was the ‘doomsday character’ as a way to simply get-by the last days of Earth,  envisioning myself  spending my ‘last days’ in a happy-future-projected artistic outcome instead of ‘killing myself’ in some ‘serious career’ which I is how I had defined any other non artistic career to be.

 

I realize that all decisions based on a belief were meant to end up failing because they were never based on the consideration of what is best for all life, what is best for myself, how do I really want to live and experience myself in the world wherein I am not pursuing a dream, but an actual self-development process that could lead me to become the solution that I saw this world required. I accepted and allowed myself to get lost in beliefs and be consumed by actual fears of having to face myself and my future, justifying my laxity with an ‘end of the world’ scenario that obviously is and will not happen, which is how I am walking the process of taking the ‘wheel’ of my life for the very first time, ensuring that every decision I make is based on the consideration of that which I see will be beneficial for all equally, wherein I can really see myself doing something that is of support to establish a world in Equality as Life.

 

 

 

Fire Burns Me Down (2004)

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself going into a ‘laxity’ and ‘uselessness’ mode about myself and my future, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is the consequence of me having based my life on a belief of ‘the end of the world’ wherein nothing would ‘really matter.’ Thus I direct myself to ensure that I walk the moment asserting myself as that which I am willing to be/ live as in every moment that I take responsibility for what I say, do and think within the consideration of what I participate in being directed to an outcome that is supportive for myself and others to live.

 

When and as I see myself going into a future projection of this world being ‘doomed’ -I stop and I breathe – I realize the projection for the comfortable lie that I used to hold as to justify my apparent ‘inability’ to direct myself effectively in the world system – thus I take self-responsibility to face the moment that I am here and stop any mind-shift and continue breathing to make practical decisions based on the point that I am facing within my world and reality.

 

When and as I see myself thinking that ‘something will sort itself out in the future,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I’ve used this thinking pattern as a way to not have to practically and physically direct myself to walk the steps necessary to walk something into completion. This implies that I ensure I walk point by point of one single future-projected plan by taking all aspects and participants into consideration based on the principle of what is best for all, wherein I ensure my participation is stemming from the actual self-correction of taking self-responsibility for my life and that of others as myself.

 

When and as I see myself using the excuse of ‘we’re all going to die anyways’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this thinking pattern is a way for me to ‘step out ‘of my immediate responsibility from whatever I am facing in that moment. Thus I direct myself to instead ensure that every moment that I am here, I breathe and I direct myself within an understanding that living is every moment of breath here and not some ‘achievement’ to get to far away in the future. Thus I take responsibility for myself in the moment and ensure I make all decisions based on creating a life for myself and others as what’s best for all in a physical possibility.

 

When and as I see myself accessing a desire to ‘die’ whenever I face a seemingly impossible point in my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that death in my mind is equal to giving up, which is just a tantrum-based character that I’ve used as a way to justify my actual lack of self-direction in everything I do wherein Death is a comfortable belief of ‘resting in peace’ so that I don’t have practically learn how to live and become self-directive in my world. Thus I ensure that I direct myself in every breath to live here, moment by moment integrating myself as the physical that is and directs itself to a best for all existence.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I will always have some ‘support’ by family as a way to not take responsibility for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize the comfort of such belief/ idea being used by me to not take responsibility for my life. Thus I ensure that I stand for and by myself and my own means to not depend on someone else to ‘have a secured life’ in my reality.

 

When and as I see my entire life being seemingly ‘pointless’ and ‘meaningless’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the most common excuse to not take responsibility for myself.  I realize that I am here, I am not going anywhere and that what I must do is support myself to establish myself here as life, self-directive, ensuring that every decision made, every word spoken, every thought is self-directed to walk the necessary process to establish a change within me and the world that leads to a best for all outcome, wherein I realize that all excuses are only fears and limitations that have no place to exist in and as who I am as breath.

 

“I commit myself to show that the Only real Self is the Flesh that Breathes and Makes the Experience in Matter possible, and that the Flesh is the Real Man that is Meant with = “Man Know Thyself” – Bernard Poolman 

 

At the end of the tunnel (2009)

Further support:

Blogs:

• We Only See what we Choose to See: DAY 81

• Day 81: The Only Real Character

 

Further support:

• Lindsay Craver – The Design of Uselessness

Now, the real deal in explaining the Future:

• 2012 – Prophecies Predictions and Play Outs

 

The Death and Destruction Character

• 2012 Death and Destruction

2012 Death and Destruction

To me 2012 was a year of ‘The End’ and I was once an acrid believer that something would happen in 2012. I would  get an energetic kick out of speaking about ‘the apocalypse,’ ‘the end of the world’ and all possible outcomes wherein I mostly wanted everything to be wiped out, it would make my life ‘exciting’ as in looking forward to the year we’ve just stepped in now.

I assume that this belief got to my ears through the Discovery Channel back in 1998 or around that time when I was interested in watching exorcisms, prophecies and all things occult that they would broadcast from time to time. The idea of ‘the end of the world’ and ‘alien abductions’ were topics that fascinated me and my father from a young age. We both wanted us to get abducted by aliens – yes as bizarre as that may sound – until I got to see a movie called ‘fire in the sky’ and then stopped desiring being alien abducted going to the opposite of ‘being scared of being alien abducted.’  Funny that I didn’t remember that and it just came up as I began writing.

The general ‘feeling’ of talking about aliens, the end of the world, Nostradamus, 2012, Earth’s cataclysms and the general madness in the world was that of excitement mixed with a sense of fear at the same time, along with a general sensation at a physical level like when you get chills,  it was an overall energetic experience to point it out bluntly. If I could give a word to it would be ‘sublime’ wherein something that is supposed to be of great horror produces a sense of  pleasure and fascination, mostly related to the pictures and aesthetics associated with it.

Now, I would have to go as far as seeing how living less than a 100 km away from a volcano that suddenly became quite active when I was 7 years old became part of this constant ‘watch’ of ‘something bad happening’ in the form of a natural disaster. I used to be the one linking all possible tragedies and events to a potential ‘end of the world,’ I became a clue-finder seeking in all religions and all prophecies all points that could match a general pattern that could confirm to me: the world is going to end in 2012.

2012 was of course then the reason why I came across Desteni while seeking lectures on YouTube explaining the Mayan Calendar by Ian Xel Lungold. This guy’s explanation seemed really accurate at the time in the overall understanding/ explanation of this calendar as the exact depiction of events and cycles that we’ve lived as humanity, which  made absolute sense to me. I bought a book by Dr. Calleman called The Mayan  Calendar and the Transformation of Consciousness – which I’ve recently given away – and after I read that book, I was eager to know ‘more’ about it all. So I ran a search and found Ian Xel Lungold from the Afterlife and the rest is history.

It all made sense to me right away, I became extremely excited and kept watching the material until I realized that 2012 had been a sick joke, a part of the program to keep humans entertained and realized that I had been duped just like everyone else. I mean, when I was in high school I would engage myself in long conversations about how we required to just give an end to the world, because that was the only solution I saw  to the increasing problems we were facing in that moment –this was around 2004/ 2005.

Now,we know that there will be no end of the world per se – The only End I could promote now is the endless human disregard and carelessness toward this reality as ourselves, the end of the negligence toward each other, the end of being self-centered humans that have no fucking idea of how the world works, how we are currently keeping the system in place and how the reality that we ‘seek to attain’ within this current system is sickening the world to its highest capacity.

After all these years- and I mean a belief that probably remained dormant and as a secret ‘back door’ in my mind for over half of my life – I realized that I wanted it all to end because deep inside I would see no solution, nor did I ever see myself as the point that could be the solution itself. I actually went as far as making choices in life based on ‘the world ending in 2012’ – I’m walking the manifested consequences of all the deliberate decisions I made based on me literally thinking that by 2011-2012 the situation in the world would be so dire that I would not have any time/money left to study, I pictured myself living in the worst case scenario by 2012 wherein I could finally make use of my excuse to not direct myself effectively while claiming ‘The world was going to end anyways!’

Just to give some perspective on the lies that I read. According to Calleman, by November 2011 there would be no human being on Earth without having reached enlightenment.

However, this entire 2012 point became more than just ‘a year,’ it was a general view/ perspective creating an entire personality within me of seeing humanity as doom. Now this is not about now stopping seeing the reality as it is. It’s about stopping perceiving the reality through the eyes/perspective of a general ‘doom’ and gloomy view wherein the thoughts that would run through my head were only that of giving a ‘clean end’ to this world. I realize that I don’t have to be keeping this ‘view’ on the world all the time. I am aware of it yet don’t allow myself to participate within further energetic kicks and secret resorts of thinking that I want it all to just end for once and for all.

AA’s videos on her wanting to end this entire existence were of great support for me in the past because I realized that I had the same ‘secret desire’ for that, yet she proved herself how it is not possible to destroy it all hence we go into the reason and excuse of why it was easier to promote and think of ‘an end’ to this reality without taking responsibility for it.

Self victimization is just another way to not take self responsibility and actually do what is required to be done. It was much easier to just claim doom and not actually take the time and dedication to correct myself.

As I continue this after having recorded myself in this, I see that 2012 point and general view on the world is no different to a god belief on something/ someone wiping out the Earth all of a sudden, with everything and everyone just having an end for once and for all. 

So, what I am doing here is directing myself to stop this personality which is one of those points that I’ve held on to as a point of self definition that entailed ‘hope’ as well, not hoping for things to ‘get better’ but hoping for a clean end to come out of nowhere for everyone.  I mean, these thoughts of wanting to exterminate it all are quite old. I have an image of having these thoughts when I was in elementary school – around 5th grade – and how when discussing the rate of pollution and general problems in the world, I had this image of extermination of all humans in my head, I judged myself for having those thoughts because of seeing them as ‘evil.’ Ever since I kept it as a secret, a form of general ‘disgust’ toward myself and the rest of humanity for becoming the scavengers of this Earth. Once again, this is not to now claim ourselves to be little white doves, this is to end the energetic input I would place to this which would create general experiences of animosity and apathy toward human beings, another form of superiority wherein I apparently was the only one that ‘saw’ reality and our ‘true parasitic nature’ on this Earth.

Actually, part of this process has been moving from this general aversion toward humanity into making myself the  proof that it is possible to change. This is not easy, it is a process – though I am certain that it is possible because we have examples already of that with many walking this process along. We’re not done yet of course and there’s a lot to be walked through as the manifested consequences of our general disregard toward life in this reality. However,  this time it’s very clear how to proceed from now on in terms of not participating in this general personality of seeing it all as gloomy-doomy eventually becoming my own experience and contributing to the actual doom and gloom that many human beings are in fact experiencing every single day because of our general disregard. Once again, it’s easier to have a particular gloomy perspective toward the world instead of taking self responsibility for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add a positive charge to ‘end of the world’ ideas as that would mean that I would be – apparently – able to finally ‘rest’ and ‘forget about it all’ in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I could ‘get away from this reality’ by dying and within this, believing that ‘it all would end which could only signify that I am not willing to walk an actual process of re-educating ourselves to live for the very first time as equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of death and destruction  creating a general view/ perspective of reality wherein I would see ‘no way out’ of it other than  exterminating humanity to ‘end it all’ for this world.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see and realize that within wanting to ‘end it all’ I would only be standing as a single perspective according to ‘how I see the world’ wherein acting and thinking from this starting point destroying it all, would be an actual selfish and self-centered perspective, without taking into consideration the whole as myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that ‘wanting to end it all’ = wanting to end the creation that I thought I could not stand one and equal to, to create a point of self correction as myself within this reality, and instead resorting to quick fixes such as ‘ending it all’ because of believing and perceiving there was ‘no way out’ of it. I /we / all are creators of this reality and we take into consideration the fact that we must work together as equals toward a best for all outcome, instead of hiding and damning this reality by participating in thoughts that indicate an actual abdication of self responsibility.

I realize that the only way for us human beings to be acceptable within this world will be through a process of becoming Earthlings, living according to Earth’s rules and cycles, wherein we actually become the caretakers of nature, the animal kingdom and the entirety of the planet and every single part of it that is equally here, assisting and supporting the unconditional expressions that are here and that we’ve neglected for all this time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/ desire and wish for ‘an end’ to all of this as a form of not having to face myself, not having to actually live a life of actual work and dedication to create myself as the point of change I see we require to take on as ourselves to create a world that’s best for all. I see, realize and understand that ‘seeking the end’ is another quick fix to not have to actually face the consequences of our actions as human beings. I direct myself to be and become the change that I want to see in this world, not only for myself but for the rest of the beings that are equally here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form this personality of seeing only ‘death and destruction’ as a form of sticking to a point of self-definition and entire personality wherein all things related to such points would be of my ‘fascination,’ which is another way to keep myself entertained and ‘fascinated’ with the experience/ energetic kick I’d get out of it, instead of actually investigating how I have contributed to the separation that is existent within this reality that is ourselves, our creation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate this point of ‘doom and gloom’ by engaging and promoting ‘the end of the world’ wherein the secret desire was that of not having to actually walk a life of taking self responsibility, of having a job, having to walk the general lifestyle that a human being has – hence I actually feared facing this reality ‘as it is,’ and the quick way out of that was through ‘exterminating everyone’ including myself, which is an actual self-righteous and self-centered perspective that is not taking into consideration the actual consequences taken in the name of others as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with this general fascination  with ‘the end of the world’ and create it as a ‘link’ toward my father because of him ‘liking these topics as well’ and making of it a justification of why I get these thoughts of death and destruction and have made them something ‘cool’ to talk about, because of how I used to use such topics to be able to relate to him.

I actually got to confirm this by striking a conversation with him and getting to see what’s the source of his general anger explosions over really insignificant things (e.g. “losing” the parking lot’s ticket and becoming extremely irritated about it) and the conversation got us to how he gets violent thoughts toward other human beings wherein in the past, if enough rage accumulated, he’d actually engage into verbal/physical fights –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my point of responsibility by exerting anger and rage toward the world and seeing ‘the world’ and the people in it as ‘the problem,’ instead of first looking at myself and realizing where I am not being self honest and taking responsibility for what I am participating in within my thoughts wherein the ultimate separation toward other human beings and the entire existence is generated to eventually be manifested as the reality that we’re living in.

We’ve accepted this ‘temperament’ as ‘hereditary’ and it was only yesterday that I saw how I would identify with such thoughts that he would sometimes externalize in a half-joking way. I always accepted them as part of my father’s personality, never seeing how such point existed within me as well. Hence all of this is here to understand how I have created myself according to my father’s thoughts in terms of death, extermination and so forth. It’s fascinating because you don’t get that impression of people holding these thoughts when interacting with  them (him/ myself) yet such thoughts are actually existent within us, which is a general fucked up thing really as the invisible backchat that we hold every single moment that we are not breathing here, it is only now that I am here to stop them for once and for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create  of this ‘death and destruction’ perspective of the world as another form of ‘hope’ and ‘belief’ for something just provoking the end of the world in one way or another, just so that I don’t have to actually walk through the manifested consequences of having separated myself from this reality and not taking responsibility of it/myself = self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever get a sense of comfort out of talking and voicing these thoughts with another and get validation in the form of ‘I think  the same way,’ wherein I then accepted my thoughts on death and destruction as ‘valid’ within the context of not feeling ‘as evil’ now because ‘someone else is also experiencing it’ therefore it must be ‘okay’ to stick with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this particular personality as a way to keep ‘myself’ as an ego that solaces in thinking/ wishing for an end so that I don’t have to face myself in reality.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have disgust toward myself as a human being and a general aversion toward humanity because of only seeing us as parasites sucking out the life out of this reality instead of looking at how we can become the points that support life and stand as pillars to restore that which we have destroyed and neglected throughout time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep a ‘secret desire’ to end this world, to give an end to my life and everyone’s life just because of not seeing a way out of this. Very interesting, I see how self-righteous this point is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act in self-righteousness whenever I see and perceive that ‘there is no other way  other than killing everyone’ and within this, taking a decision for myself and ‘everyone else’ without even taking a moment to consider the actual implication of this point in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view this world and reality from the starting point and perspective of death and destruction wherein I saw no ability to create solutions because of allowing myself to be overwhelmed by the words, pictures and images that I’ve seen and participated in, without realizing that with me existing in such a constant and perpetual ‘point of view,’ I am actually co-creating and manifesting this reality the way that I am currently seeing it and perceiving it – therefore I stop because it is common sense to stop adding more misery and destructive thoughts to this reality.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that within the very starting point of ‘how I see the world’ I am perpetuating this general view of death, destruction, helplessness and overwhelming experience of the world ‘as myself,’ without realizing that whatever I accept and allow myself to think and experience, I am in fact not stopping but continuing to participate in it as a form of keeping my mind/ thoughts/ personality intact and creating an excuse as to why it is ‘okay’ for me to continue existing in this particular world-view/ reality-perspective.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to engage into the perspective of death and destruction because of feeling like a ‘victim’ within this world, wherein I would see myself as a victim from the starting point of ‘not having ‘chosen’ to come to this world’ hence justifying my actions and perspectives as an outcome of me ‘not having chosen to be here.’

 I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create of the belief ‘I did not choose to come to this world’ a justification and validation to judge everyone in this world as ‘humanity’ as a form of spitefulness for believing and perceiving that I was only brought into this world without me wanting to be here – hence using t his point as a form of justification to rebel against my parents at some point and against the world that I thought ‘wasn’t meant for me.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use this perspective as a form of superiority wherein I was in fact only seeking to validate my excuses to not take self responsibility for this world just by the mere fact of being here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of helplessness when looking at the world wherein it became an easier aspect to ‘play out’ as an experience, instead of becoming the point of solution that I see is required in this world, instead of only focusing on the doom and gloom wherein the only ‘way out’ was a general wish/ desire for human extermination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contribute to the current reality of actual death and destruction that I judge, criticize and complain about without realizing that within my own experience as the general perspective toward myself and this world, I was re-creating that which I wanted to ‘stop’ – hence I stop seeking an ‘end’ outside of myself and become the end of such experiences myself, wherein I do not accept and allow  myself to perpetuate such thoughts to use them as an excuse to ‘not stand up’ because it all being seemingly ‘futile.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only consider ‘my own view’ of this world as ‘real’ and accepting the blunt ways in which I see/ perceive it as ways in which I could justify my apparent inability to create and stand as the solution, instead of always having the same starting point wherein no matter how much I could see the common sense of a general situation, because of having this initial and ingrained starting point of ‘wanting to end it all,’ everything would be diminished to the level of ‘temporary highs’ that I would use to get myself ‘up’ for a moment, only to reach the bottom once that I would go back to seeing the world in the same way/ perspective of death and destruction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own veil toward this reality wherein I have stated ‘all I can see is death and destruction’ and within that, creating my entire experience accordingly, wherein I would go judging people in this world from a superiority point without daring to look at myself and how I am in fact part of the same points that stand in separation from each other the moment that we dare to remain as such self-judgment, disregarding that we are in fact doing this to ourselves within the realization that we are all part of this reality that is here as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within wanting to ‘get rid of something’ I am actually not standing one and equal to it to create a solution ‘within it’ and mingle myself as equal to such points to become the direction that is required to create a best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  use the idea of ‘killing/ exterminating/ getting rid of’ as quick fixes to not have to actually walk the process of self-correction that is here and that I am being able to walk one and equal as everything and everyone else that is willing to stand as equals as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear facing the manifested consequences of this reality and within fear, wanting everything to just ‘disappear’ so that I don’t have to deal with the ‘ghosts’ of regret and guilt for not having done anything to stop this reality as myself, within myself.

The point that I explained in the video 2012 the world ends with you is exactly this point: if we don’t like what we see, we then become the point of change that we want to see in this world instead of being perpetually judging it and confining myself to a single perspective wherein it becomes quite ‘difficult’ to see ‘some light at the end of the road’ without realizing that I have only been placing myself deliberately to look only through that tunnel, instead of realizing I can simply stand aside and see the greater picture without having to seek for ‘a way out’ but instead see how I am able to integrate myself – mingle myself – as one and equal as everything that  is here through practically correcting my perspective and view of this world to begin with.

And so, this is the process that I’m walking. This is the beginning of the end of my self created doomsday perspective of this world. If I see that this reality must stop, that this reality cannot continue as it is existing now, I become that point that stops within myself at the thought level. Instead I support myself to start seeing how to create solutions, how to correct myself, how to implement ways in this world wherein we can walk an actual process of self-creation in equality in every moment that I am able to breathe here, stop participation in doom and gloom and instead, use that to expose this reality along with the practical solutions to stop such events from manifesting, which is the process that begins with ourselves. I stop.

Suggest hearing AA’s video on this point which allowed me to ‘breakthrough’ this point

Too Lazy to Change

2012 The World Ends with You

Support yourself – learn how to walk this process to the utmost specificity here

Beginners – Thoughts, Writings and Self Forgiveness – Conscious, SubConscious and UnConscious Mind