Tag Archives: artist

397. Come and Stop Worrying about Money & Children with us

Commentary on the Documentary ‘Come and Worry With Us’ featuring the band ‘Thee Silver Mt. Zion’

 

 

Many times I used to say that ‘Music had saved my life,’ and I never questioned that much about the actual lives that musicians have. I probably was ‘happy’ to imagine that they made a good amount of money to be living well after having so many fans and so many shows but today I got to realize that that’s not the case and in a way it does give me yet another reason to implement a new way of living where no one should ever have to suffer, be existing in constant worry, fear and anxiety that comes from living in plain survival-mode when trying to ‘make it’ in this world in an honest manner, which is impossible in a system that is forged with the idea of success as the ultimate goal and neglecting how it currently is – most of the times – achieved only through the effective abuse and control imposed upon others, which means having to cheat, lie, deceive, be dishonest and selfish to be able to make it ‘that far’ without questioning why it is that not everyone can achieve such ‘high standards’ in the society? Why is there no real equal opportunity? why is this ‘successful living’ rather sold to us as this magnanimous lifestyle that is actually unsustainable if we all had the same ability to live in such a lavish modality – this means: it’s not meant to be part of what real life is meant to be in fact.

The documentary Come Worry With Us is an example of how one of my favorite bands actually live like in terms of ‘lifestyle’ and financial woes with the amount of money they earn, which is certainly a lot less than what I would have expected which my assumption of them being a ‘famous band’ therefore not ever having to worry about paying their bills – and here this should apply to Everyone – but this is specifically to debunk the ideas we also create around ‘the rich and the famous’ where not all ‘famous’ people really make ‘a lot of money’ as one could imagine.

Specifically here Godspeed You! Black Emperor and its offshoot Thee Silver Mount Zion are bands that I could have identified as the perfect soundtrack for everything that I could only probably only paint and try to ‘picture’ in frames: a desolate decadent world that is going down the drain, seeing nothing else but death and destruction and the perfect soundtrack for ‘the end of times,’ as well as being what can be defined as a ‘political band’ when it comes to denouncing warfare and the general deception in the political realm at the moment.  But something changed in the life of the common member of both bands Efrim Menuck: he’s got a child now and so he realized that he had to ‘stop his own cynicism’ about life/the world and himself as now there is a person he’s brought into this world that should grow up to live in a better world than the one he is currently living in. I fully agree with this, and even if I don’t have children, every time I would see pregnant women or know of children being born I would create this inner fear almost sadness for them coming to this world that we are abusing and depleting faster than it could ever ‘replenish’ itself, while doing nothing to stop the ongoing destructive trend.

Human Chains (pic) - Copy

 

 

How many times do we say: ‘we require creating a better future for our kids’? It is saddening to see every single day news and articles of the kind of atrocities that are created toward children just because parents can’t afford taking good care of them – from dumping them on the garbage, abandoning them, giving them to adoption or having to make them work too and support with paying the basic needs at home. If there’s something I could worry about this life is precisely whether the little ones will have clean water to drink, clean air to breathe, whether they will be able to run around the streets and riding bikes and going out to playgrounds… or if they are going to be genuinely supported to their utmost potential at schools, whether their parents will be stable enough to raise them – huge point of concern – whether they are going to be having healthier ways of entertaining themselves, healthier eating habits – which are taught at home/ and through culture – whether they can in fact stop copying the fears, the mentality of the parents, whether they can in any way escape the generational sins that we’ve created in absolute selfishness because we believed that ‘it wasn’t going to be us facing the consequences,’ well, here we are, look around you and within you.

 

I would certainly not want anyone to suffer in this world, yet it is all I could always notice around me, or maybe it’s because it is existent as me and in everyone else: abuse, ignorance to the reality of how we create this world based on our absence of care, of presence to direct ourselves in our lives and relate to each other in a supportive manner.

In my case, all I could ever paint was suffering and I didn’t even know why because I had a good life compared to many that really have no support in this world. I do remember a phase in my life when I was around 9-10 years old where my father had a big problem at work, someone bought a lot of merchandise from him and ran away with it using a bad check – and we were almost broke and hearing about the fact that our house, that patrimony that my father was so proud about as ‘our property’ could be lost – the sheer thought of that frightened me a lot at night, the worry, sadness and frustration from seeing my father so depressed, so down, so worried and so angry as that was the only way he could exert his inner frustration about the legal situation and never ever getting that money back. This affected us all at home and I endured what it was to conform with having the basics and learned how to not to ask for more than what I truly required.

I remember at times thinking that if I didn’t exist any longer they could save the money from my food, my healthcare, my school which was a great effort since it was a good private school, I knew they were doing the effort to secure my future, to give me the best – and I know that every single parent wants the best for their children – but most nowadays cannot afford it at all, no matter how self-willed they have: there is simply no structural support to make those at the bottom of the pyramid scheme to rise. This is structural violence and children are meant to somehow accept that they are born into poverty, that mom and dad have to work 12 hours a day considering the commuting times and so children are raised by daycare employees, by internet and television, by mass-norms at school that are designed to also make them obedient and complacent workers and get to be just like mom and dad: workaholics by necessity, not by choice – or else, there is no guaranteed survival – this is the current violence we are inherently accepting in our everyday living, threatening each other’s life – we have to also recognize we’ve done this to ourselves by leaving the system in the hands of a few.

 

Nowadays I see the direct consequences where I live of how poverty affects families in a very pervasive manner. To me this place is ‘temporary,’ but for many it is the place and environment they are born into, it is the people they will marry and have their children with and also die in until the last days knowing to do nothing else but to work, drink every weekend, have ‘parties’ and pretend that life is fine while going back every Monday to earn the bread with the sweat of their brow the rest of the week, hoping for something or someone like a president to finally change their lives.

The frustration that parents create at work which is based on the threat of losing their job/not making enough money becomes the constant experience that parents then in turn become toward their children, toward their partners and so toward the world: a survivalist mentality that cannot be stable, here, present, enjoying life because of always being tensed, worried and anxious about getting the next paycheck to pay all the bills.

 

Jessica and Efrim discussing finances

Come Worry With Us (2013)

 

We are all currently required to break our illusions behind the usual question of ‘who would you like to be when you grow up?’ and then growing up and realizing that was just a dream, a fantasy, an ideal promoted to us to keep us completely separated from acknowledging the reality: this current world-system is designed to keep dreams on heavy rotation, to keep fueling the hope, the illusions, the wishing and desiring for the most hedonist lifestyle possible, a promised reality that never seems to just manifest into reality and it won’t for sure – nor do I personally consider it should ever, unless we actually work on creating such stability for all and make it sustainable for every other living being in this planet: environment, animals, humans, everyone.

Efrim explains in the documentary how he is part of the last generation that was promised a great future and from there on, we all got the opposite. It’s true, the first year in literature school we got told we were not there to ‘be writers’ and be creative, but to learn the hard-knocks of the science of analyzing literature and how we would barely make a buck with that – in art school we got told the most debasing facts about the poverty-lifestyle one usually goes through when trying to ‘make a living as an artist’ grounding us on how we could not just expect to just ‘be famous’ and earn millions like Hirst overnight. It might seem like a cruel thing to do crushing young adults’ dreams, however it is also the stark nature of the reality we have created for each other.

From there I started questioning a lot about myself, my decision to be an artist – would I make it? What would I have to do to be as ‘big’ as x artist that I admired at the time? And I bet this goes on in the mind of every other person that is taught to aim at the highest peak in a world where the peak is already occupied and not available for everyone else.

 

Does it make sense to live this way? To know we have all of this great potential as human beings and the way we could actually change the entire nature of ourselves and our relationships with one another if we were able to provide us the guaranteed right to live in dignity, to have money to live well if you’d like to dedicate yourself to a non-lucrative profession or arts which is also not a secured ‘job position’ but is dependent on several subjectivities like being liked, being ‘good’ at the eyes of others, being able to relate well to people to make business; getting to be known and published if you are a musician or a writer, or being part of a gallery and not even that guarantees good wages any longer.

 

There is also the point of having children and how that becomes a new primary responsibility for adults where one has to choose between being a parent or being a professional, especially if one is a woman. As an artist, for example, there’s not been such great possibilities to have a breathable life in a world where no more records are being sold, where art is sold only to a few elites and that is a minority of course, where movies and music are being downloaded for free, where people cannot afford to go watch a play, concert or sometimes even go to the movies – instead, all that is promoted is more greed and illusions of power in national TV/ media at home which is still the one point that seems to define what people conceive ‘life’ to be as this idea of ‘fame and fortune’, hence the belief that every person in showbiz should do as well as people on TV – but they don’t, at least not the ones that try and make honest business.

 

 

Some of the artists I enjoy and admire in a way have been able to ‘stay true’ to themselves in a world-system where arts are also another industry and the same abusive policies apply as everywhere else. In this case, music is something that inspired me to begin questioning the system. I began painting while listening to Radiohead’s OK Computer on repeat mode and all their discography became a way to also understand the underlying suffering that I could perceive in everything and everyone but somehow wasn’t that evident to me until 11 years ago when I first began painting. Now it’s very clear to me how this change has to be implemented and I have a clarity to it, to the point where I’ve stopped painting the death and destruction on this world and instead started to investigate, educate myself and begin actively working to promote and establish solutions that not only will benefit artists of course, but that will be a living guarantee for every person that is currently unable to fend for themselves and as such have are unable to develop themselves to become the person they know they all can be. We cannot also continue having honest and principled individuals to ‘adjust’ and ‘align’ to the current skewed mentality of a dog-eat-dog world where worry, fear, stress and paranoia have become everyone’s daily chronic sickness, this is the abuse we are dictating upon each other and it makes no sense at all.

 

This is not the world I want to live in, this is not The Good Life that our parents were once able to have – and some of you younger than me reading this not that for sure – but we have to question why every year that goes by things get worse, wages don’t go up while inflation keeps going up and the majority of the wealth is stacked in the hands of the minority: this is a suicidal machine we are operating here, and we have to stop it before we all sink together in it.

 

I want the children of this world to be able to have parents that can be satisfied with what they do with their lives, that can have sufficient time at home or simply available to be with them without the stress, without the fears, without the depression, without the constant every day nagging thought of what if there is no money tomorrow that I can get today to keep feeding my family? This is the most stressful situation anyone can face: being broke, being homeless, being with exorbitant debts that are usually now even transferred from parents onto children to ensure that one can ‘own’ something in this world, yet this world as the Earth itself didn’t come with such instructions of ‘how to use it’: we created them but so we also live the problem, so we have to understand it and be able to create and propose solutions, which is what we should all focus on if we really want to keep having our joys in life, such as music for example in my case.

9. Seykingumu

 

So, the least I can do to honor myself and those human beings that also see the necessity for change, that collaborate with creating awareness in their own ways such as with art and music and genuinely consider that we can all work together and make things work for everyone, is to dedicate myself and my life to promote the consideration and necessity that we have toward each other, the good life that I would like to give to those that have nurtured me either physically or as a living being in my ability to be inspired and influenced by people that were able to tell me through their words, their musical expression about everything that was wrong in this world, so that I could grow up to take the staff and be that person that they can also get inspiration from: becoming an individual that can promote and present solutions, because we’re all just too fed up to hear about the same problems and complains instead of realizing that through understanding the problem, we can and become aware of how we can make things work for everyone.

And for artists who I see are quite a lot within the realm of social-change and activism, thank you for your inspiration as well because sometimes one can get ‘lost’ in a sea of carelessness and hopelessness about being able to genuinely do any meaningful change in this world, but through our very own words, through the way we live and create, how we interact with others we can become the point of change that many others can then refer to as the proof of how we can direct our lives to a best for all outcome, which also determines how we live and interact with one another.

This principle of giving to others as I would like to receive begins within us, so let’s give the best we would want for ourselves to each other and through doing that, learning how to honor and truly appreciate our lives, instead of living as enemies in a chronic state of war.

 

Time to ‘be the change we want to see in this world’ for sure, but this will also only be fully possible when people are no longer strapped to their working chairs and fearing not having money the next day, therefore support the Living Income Guaranteed, to provide a guaranteed access to living needs when having no means to get an income, get higher wages in your current job/occupation and never again be ashamed of having to take this support as it is and will be our sheer right to life, to stop the paranoia, the fear and the self-abuse that comes when living in survival mode – we can do much better than this.

We are yet to discover who we all can be and become once that we step outside of the current divide and conquered set-up world-system we have (negligibly) created. It’s about time we join our creative efforts upon that which will ensure each other’s ability to create without worrying about money again, which tampers our creative potential.

 

Happiness does not exist yet, we have to construct it.

 

 

Living Principles

 

Suggested read for an in-depth review of the documentary:

 

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383. To Forget to Self-Forgive

First Cousin Once Removed Preview (HBO Documentary Films) (2012) by Alan Berliner

Remember to Forget’ were the words chosen by a poet with Alzheimer as his last statement to the potential million viewers of the documentary ‘First cousin once removed’ by Alan Berliner, which depicts his life in his last months of living with this mental condition, and it is interesting that the words ‘For-Get’ and ‘For-Give’ can be a bit similar, but there’s a world of difference between both, where the act of merely ‘wanting to forget’ can lead us to experience something like Alzheimer, in an attempt to let go of the memories, the identity, the past, the load of experiences with which we created and inflicted the most trauma/harm/abuse within ourselves, and so wanting to forget as a way to ‘cope with the past,’ and that’s how such forced ‘eraser’ move in the mind can lead to this memory-loss problem.

 

I enjoyed this documentary, it’s very well made and I recommend it to see first hand what Alzheimer is like, and the reasons that usually lead to it, along with the genetic disposition that can exist – which as we now understand how the memories of those that have gone before us are integrated within/as ourselves as the mind in the womb, as the information we have ‘pre-loaded’ within us as the ‘sins of the fathers’ – then it makes sense that Alzheimer can ‘run in the family’ as a trait developed to want to forget about one’s deeds, one’s traumatic past, one’s wrong-doings and essentially take the forced road to a ‘way out’ of it all, a way to not face one’s inner demons.

 

The documentary could’ve had a subtitle – in the words of the film’s director – a Poets’ Alzheimer, since the documentary is about the ‘first cousin once removed’ from the director of this film who happened to be a poet, a writer, a translator, a man of ‘great achievements’ only to get to the last days of his life forgetting about it all, and it for sure brings us back to this point of our Journey To Life and the route to Nothingness. Edwin Honig – the protagonist of this documentary – gets to such ‘nothingness’ though not in a self-aware and self-directive manner to it and this is what I’d like to discuss here because it doesn’t make sense to get to this point of ‘Nothingness’ as in remembering – apparently – nothing through simply deciding to block the memory, to forget.

 

The things that Edwin could vividly recall – at times, when it seemed he wasn’t unconsciously deliberately ‘wanting to forget’ – were traumatic moments in his life: being blamed for his brother’s death when he was a child, having been to the army and shooting others, and maybe some family member he was fond of, but that was it. He is shown recordings with traces of the achievements throughout his life explained by himself at an earlier stage in his life, all his books, his poems, his translations of some ‘great writers,’ and so forth, and it was quite amusing to see how he would watch these recordings of himself explaining all his studies, his achievements and saying something in the lines of ‘He’s trying too hard to be someone’ and so yes, this is most of the things we put all our time and effort to, to build up the idea of ‘who we are’ as our mind, our ego – not realizing that life is not memories and how when one has no more memories to ‘hold on to’ then all of these lifetime achievements are reduced to nothing but pretentious additions we identify ourselves as, which can be later on absolutely forgotten and ultimately end up at death. Edwin had kept journals on a daily basis for over 50 years, so he also tried too hard to remember, only to end up forgetting it all. It seems like an ‘overload’ of too many memories, too many things he wanted to keep but eventually forget that he ended up ‘forgetting it all.’

 

I liked the fact that at some point, due to being asked many questions by the documentary maker (his cousin) he would just ask him to be forgotten, to not exist for some days, weeks, months and so in a way it could be him realizing that he was just telling his-story, the tale we all become as a bunch of memories we then believe is ‘all we are’ which is absolutely limited. We have reduced ourselves to become a curriculum, a data base with memories, experiences, feelings, the ideas we believe others have about ourselves, the feelings and constructs we impose onto reality, our entire ego that we accumulate throughout time, and how when we eventually ‘want to forget’ due to the emotional load that it creates within us, maybe that’s when Alzheimer emerges as an absolute ‘shutdown’ of these memories, which I interpret as a decision to Not Forgive, but Only Forget.

 

Dullness

 

Alzheimer seems to be the result of Forgetting to Forgive, but not only ‘Forgive’ in itself, but to Self-Forgive. It’s interesting that Edwin hadn’t been such a good father after all and how his ‘children’ – now grown up males – hold a grudge against him due to what he would do to them, which they interpreted as abusive, as him being an a*hole. And so, Edwin could not remember at all that he had children/sons, and even when the time comes for one of them to visit him, he shows exhaustion, maybe because memories would come back and so the load of remorse, guilt, the entire emotional experience created throughout time could come back, and so he’s left alone. Alzheimer seems to be a way to evade reality, to evade looking at one’s demons and learning how to self-forgive ourselves for it all, a way to escape from facing self-responsibility and as such wanting to ‘put memories down’ not realizing that the level and extent to which we are tied to as our memories and our mind cannot be ‘shut down’ or these ‘side effects’ emerge.

 

This is also another way to see how without walking this process of Self-Forgiveness to learn how to recognize our thoughts, words and deeds that could have caused ourselves inner-conflicts and struggles that we eventually lashed out onto others, affecting them and learn how to self-forgive ourselves for it all, bit by bit, word by word, and we only try and ‘forget it all’ causes an illness, because one is attempting to ‘get rid’ of the memories instead of actually understanding how we created such problems, how we participated in them, why, why did we allow it to become an emotional burden, who did we affect with our deeds too, what do we feel incapable of forgiving ourselves for that we instead choose to simply evade and ‘forget’?

 

And if we were able to remember who we have been from the beginning of our existence, we would have all gone through the same ‘deletion’ process as Alzheimer to go back to ‘ignorance is bliss’ mode, which is in fact what we do whenever we attempt to forget our past, our history and recreate the same abuse and harm because we don’t want to remember and take responsibility for our lives, our world as our creation and change the patterns for once and for all.

 

It’s interesting that one documentary that shows the actual nature of the memories left in a person with Alzheimer can shed more light than any scientific study attempting to understand the origin of it, which once again is also confirming what has been explained at Desteni in relation to Alzheimer Syndrome which I suggest to anyone to investigate and get rid of these ‘enigmas’ that still exist in humanity, while it’s already been 7 years of having the opportunity to learn about the totality of who we are as human beings, as preprogrammed mind consciousness systems that can create a short-circuit process in order to not have to confront one’s own inner demons all the time, creating things like Alzheimer or the usual anxiety, fears, phobias and general stress that we impose onto our physical body every time we are ‘living’-through-the-mind.

 

An aspect I enjoyed is seeing how Edwin only expressed appreciation for the expression of a child – the director’s son – because he was a child, expressing himself with music, in the moment, not questioning him about ‘who he was’ or who he could remember, but just being in the moment, which is also another point to consider about this ‘nothingness’ that we can all exist as, as a self-created result of learning how to self-forgive, to correct, to let go within self-responsibility and full awareness of choosing to be living in the moment – which is different from this form of Alzheimer’s ‘living in the moment’ as an accidental result of wanting to evade one’s memory, which is why in this case someone that doesn’t represent a ‘threat’ to one’s self-definition can become someone we enjoy too.

 

 

This documentary should also support with the realization that who we are and who we define ourselves to be is nothing else but a collection of memories and experiences that we build up as ‘who we are’ and we indeed put so much ‘effort’ onto it, without realizing that it is only the ‘who we are in the mind’ that we are valuing and accumulating as knowledge and information, while we forget about the words that we can live and become as an essence of ourselves – not the titles, not the money, not the recognition, not the studies, not the professions or definitions that others can give onto us – but the words we decide to live in full self-awareness. Just as the point we hear a lot about in Desteni on ‘stopping the mind,’ it doesn’t mean: forget about who you were and be ‘living in the here now moment’ absolutely oblivious of everything, as if one could simply ‘turn the page’ and have a blank one without any consequence. So if anything, this film depicts the consequences of not being able to cope with our mind, our memories, an entire life of wanting to ‘cherish all memories’ and the outcome when you realize the fiction you’ve become as a character and eventually just want to throw the character out of the window and remain as the flesh and bones we are… that’s what creates the consequence as a forced de-egofication process.

I am able to relate to the idea of wanting to cherish every moment as the ‘old me’ that was on my way to do that all the time, and having that mentality of wanting to be a writer someday that could use those memories to create more fictional characters through which I could live through as well, and I’m glad I stopped myself, which to myself as my ego it was the same as some form of egocide, because stopping ‘cherishing memories’ – even with the compulsion I had to be taking pictures all the time – I was on my way to fill memory cards and entire notebooks of my own personalities with no direction – which is also the type of writing I was doing before this process, using art as just another way to convolute the perception of who we are as human beings: point-less, self-referenced, self-interested beings seeking this something to ‘fill in the void’ with and ending up in some kind of nonsense with a life wasted in this perpetual ‘search’ which I now see that we all as human beings have, nothing else but the gloom created as the result of separating ourselves from who we really are as life, as the substance that unites us all as one and equal.

 

Today we discussed about this existential anguish in relation to ‘losing all hope to humanity’ not realizing that I was maybe on my way to creating yet another ‘disorder’ to simply evade facing reality – which we all do one way or another by creating any form of emotion or feeling to make the whole thing turn into a ‘me-myself-I’ experience rather than taking responsibility for the problems we create in our lives and this world and turn it only into a ‘concern’ – and how if I hadn’t discovered Desteni and the ability to Self-Forgive, I would have probably continued down the spiraling road of using art as a way to express this absolute ‘lostness’ that I experienced for great part of my life up to 6 years ago when everything started making sense.

 

All I can say is that it is quite a relief to no longer be drilling my mind with the usual existential-queries and ‘enigmas’ that used to also occupy my-time here, thinking about time, and death, and memories, and identity, and fictional characters, and this life as a dream and so forth… all of which has existed as part of our philosophy with no concrete realization to simply see the direct reality of it all: we have used our mind to divert our attention from reality, from the actual consequences and physical existence that we tend to cloud or ‘paint with other colors’ through thinking about reality, through ‘feeling’ or ‘becoming emotional’ about it and pondering these energetic flicks as ‘more’ than what life really is.

 

After the film ended, Alan Berliner had a Q&A session with the audience, and he ended up saying that ‘Memories are the glue to life’ and I couldn’t disagree more as this mentality is what has kept us since the beginning of our existence as human beings tied to a past that we then ‘choose to forget’ proving that we haven’t moved an iota from the very initial problems we were programmed with, just because we have accepted our mind to be ‘who we really are,’ forgetting or not even being aware of what Life really is, which is not and will never be knowledge and information, and memories. Just like in all our devices – memories are nothing but part of the system that enables us to function as clusters of space and time in a disk drive that sometimes gets full and overloaded and requires some ‘rebooting’ because there’s just ‘too much to info to handle,’ and that’s also what Alzheimer seems like.

 

Memories cannot be the ‘glue of life’ as they are only invisible bits of information we believe is who we are. Life doesn’t require a glue, life is not divided, life is all that is already here that we have separated ourselves from in every moment that we define ourselves as a picture, as an emotion, a thought, a feeling, a memory, all of it part of the masks that we craft and can end up driving us crazy if we continue to overlook the reality and simplicity of who we are here as breathing flesh and bones physical beings that have to now use our memory practically and constructively, to go self-forgiving each thought, word and deed that we’ve acted upon and created in order to ‘forget about who we are’ and as such, not take responsibility for who we are and have become. Look at this world, read the news, talk with people on the streets, look within yourself in your mind and see how this world is our reflection.

 

Learning how to Self-Forgive is the greatest gift one can give to oneself if one does not want to end up driving oneself absolutely insane, or mentally kaput for not having the courage to stand in the face of ourselves, of our past no matter how ‘bad it may seem or how ‘overwhelming’ the consequences of it already are, there is no other way but to stand up for it and face it. Self-Honesty takes Courage and that’s something one has to develop in order to not end up mentally ill due to wanting to forget. My suggestion is to then do this: learn how to Self-Forgive, Remember to Self-Forgive instead of compounding the inner turmoil and the cowardice to recognize who we are and have become, not only as individuals, but as humanity – and so, whenever we see ourselves feeling guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, overwhelmed by our past, our memories, our mind, it is that moment where instead of remaining in the victimization of the experience: we stand up, take a deep breath and decide to self-forgive the experience, the memory, the thought, the deeds and correct ourselves in the moment in the realization that no one did this to us but ourselves, and no one will ‘forgive us’ as there is no God, but ourselves, our own creators.

 

The one last mercy we can give to ourselves is Self Forgiveness, let’s use it and become physical living breathing beings that can stop pondering too much about what life, death, a thought or memories are and rather learn how to live in every moment of breath directing our lives to be and become an example of what we all know we can be when correcting all the mess of the past to stand as self-directive and self-honest individuals, always considering what is best for self and all as equals: no memory required but only as a remembrance of a past to never repeat again.

 

To learn more about Desteni’s perspective on Alzheimer and Memories:

 

To stop being defined only as a memory chip of emotions and feelings:


172. Creating Excuses instead of Solutions

Continuing with the Backchat point that I began walking yesterday within the procrastination character

A backchat-point that is more ingrained and let’s say ‘case specific’ is not only with regards to a sheer point of laziness/ procrastination that is physically here – yes – however the reasons behind it which all do happen at the level of backchat an internal conversations have more to do with how I have judged this particular task as useless, as a mere protocol, as meaningless within the consideration of what type of degree this is, even seeing it as a waste of time and money to get it done – all of it yes, excuses existing only in my mind that I have given value to in order to continue justifying my ‘demotivation’ to do it, however if we look at ourselves and this world, we have become so used to motivate ourselves for a specific positive-outcome or positive-experience to do things that it then becomes one of the ‘fuels’ that keep us running.

As I write this I also see how I am squandering an opportunity that many people would have liked to have, which is then absolutely unacceptable, because I am aware of the rate of individuals that are in no way able to assist to college or pay for an entire career to get to the point of graduation. I am aware that my education cost me literally cents every year, however that doesn’t mean that because it is almost ‘free’ my commitment to it must not change.

I also see another point which is how I have accepted and allowed my personal experience toward the career in itself to be a decisive factor for me to not want to ‘do this’ based on preference – once again, in my mind this was like a disenchanted romance that ended up in my mind rather ‘bad’ from the perspective of me not wanting anything to do with ‘art’ at all. Thus this is the main point for me to work with, because I see there is an attraction/ repulsion going on which can only exist as a reverend masterpiece of mindfuckism™ that I have created within this.

So – I’ll walk the most prominent backchat within this that I can see can be an ever ‘deeper’ level of excuses and justifications to not do things.

 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘this is something utterly useless to do’ which is based on me believing that having an art degree is useless, which is stemming from my introspection and realization of how and why I decided to study art in the first place, which became a point I judged as shallow, ‘easy way out of the system,’ and essentially avoiding to be ‘in the system’ according to my standards back then, which is how I make it all as if it had been a drag to complete my studies, simply because of not seeing myself with the enthusiasm and ‘love for art’ that I initially believed I had – thus I realize that within this ‘low’ after the great romance with art, I experienced myself demotivated to have anything to do with it, which implies that I am still holding on to my own remorse and repent for having chosen this career as a 5 year-study in my life that I won’t be dedicating myself to – and as I write this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and a general nervousness within the area of the solar plexus due to me making time as something that has been squandered / useless within my life when studying art, without realizing that such categorization and valuation in time can only exist if I measure myself according to what ‘others’ have done in their lives/ what their careers will be/ have been which I have considered are more suitable to our current reality and projects within this world, other than having an ‘art degree.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a slight shame of myself when people ask what I studied, almost as if I wanted to hide the fact that I studied art for seeing it now as a useless piece of study and wasted time in my life, instead of actually considering that it is a career just as any other career in our current world system wherein no-career is in fact precisely supportive for human beings, as all careers and studies are currently veered toward maintaining a world system based on money/ survival wherein no life is currently being considered as THE point to support within all careers and all studies.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that no matter if I walked the ‘artist character’ I did not precisely tap into the judgments and criticism toward art itself and all the backchat I’ve held toward it which is similar to what one partner would have to say about another partner when the relationship didn’t work out – thus, I realize that my grudge toward myself for my own choices in life, are affecting me to finally do this ‘final kick’ as I am seeing myself being apparently incongruent with having to write about ‘my experience’ in school which is something that I have still judged as a ‘useless/ waste of time,’ while fearing actually hurting/ demeaning people’s activity there which is all related to art, obviously.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I ever had a ‘real affection’ for art or ‘real love’ for art as I used to say to myself, without realizing that I simply chose this a s point to get infatuated with , as it covered my then personality requirements and satisfied me as my ego – which is how and why after walking this process almost from the beginning of my career, I had a tough time having to realize how I had fooled myself around the whole ‘art thing’ in the first place as a total character that I embodied/ became for my personal benefit and desires to be famous/ well known and have good money without having to be ‘in the system,’ which is how due to holding a judgment toward myself for such choices in life, I now don’t want ‘anything to do’ with it, without realizing that it is very convenient backchat that I have formulated in order to not do things.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people/ professors are expecting something of me – while at the same time realizing that I haven’t really built any ‘artist portfolio’ that I could present myself with, which I had created as a separate aspect of myself in relation to being a ‘visual artist’ without realizing that I am actually walking the process of creating myself which in itself, must also be an ‘art’ as a self-mastery that is not related to color or shapes or concepts other than working with the concept that I’ve become – thus there is no point to use the backchat of ‘they must be expecting something ‘great’ from me within this work’ which is only one added point of fearing not being ‘good enough’ within others’ expectations, which is then an aspect that I see myself being ‘limited by’ – wanting to in my mind create this ‘great revolutionary work’ and thinking of all the possible ways to approach it, instead of actually physically writing it out, arranging it so that it becomes an actuality instead of just a ‘great thing’ in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own standards of ‘excellence’ within me that I am eventually tampering my ability to work with myself, and this is in relation to who I am with regards to the idea of myself as ‘the great student’ and within this belief of myself, still holding it as a background and character that I must apparently ‘fulfill’ at the eyes of the academy,  which is then me as ego wanting to do a work as ego, not really benefiting anyone with it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now go into a ‘guilty experience’ due to having squandered time to get this done, and realizing that many would have wanted to be in my position which is just another way to blackmail myself into feeling ‘bad’ and thus moving myself only out of guilt and remorse instead of simply clearing my starting point to do this work.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the starting point of doing this work as a way to simply ‘get this done and over with,’ which is not entirely stemming from self-stability and decision to do it, but mostly like a ‘stone/ obstacle to get out of the way’ which is then not an equal and one participation moment to moment to do it, but mostly something that is simply done to ‘get over with it’ which contains an entire experience of my own disillusionment with the career, which is just like signing away a divorce by first having to spend one more time with the ‘ex-partner’ without really being together any longer thus –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of my entire career as a failed-decision, a failed-marriage, a failed-experience due to realizing the starting point in self honesty of me having chosen this career. Thus instead of further victimization with regards to seeing it all as a ‘wrong choice,’ I realize that this is further excuses and justifications wherein I have considered ‘how I feel’ toward art/  my career and create a relationship with it, instead of seeing it as any other systematic task that I must accomplish as part of the responsibilities I hold toward my world and reality ‘as is.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed so much bullshit to run around in my mind as backchat that I ‘pay attention to’ in order to procrastinate this point within the ‘uselessness’ category, wherein I see that in my mind I apparently would expect to ‘invest my time’ in something ‘greater’ however, this is a blatant excuse as that would be creating my own value system according to what I consider is ‘more valuable/ more worthy to spend my precious time on’ and what not, which is not so.

 

I realize that this work to be done is actually a cool opportunity to leave a whole new perspective of approaching – well not entirely/ absolutely ‘New’ but continuing where Beuys left off – the creative act and creation in itself of the individual and society as a whole.

 

I realize that all of these statements, future projections, past regrets and spiteful actions toward ‘my career’ are in fact toward myself and my choice to study art, which implies that I must first forgive myself unconditionally for the choices I’ve made in my life – which is a necessary point to not make this ‘more’ than what it is.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate my career to this ‘bad experience/ bad romance’ that ended up ‘bad’ according to the high expectations that I had held toward myself, my career and my so-called certainty to change my vocation to art instead of being a linguist, wherein I see there is a point of regret – however, there is no point in holding on to this –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for all the amount of money that my father spent on this career all for me to eventually ‘be an artist’ which I am not going to be in this life, and within this use this point of ‘feeling bad’ as another excuse to simply Not do this at all, as a way to not wanting to be facing my own decision within doing the work, not wanting to face my own career choice while doing the work – and all of these limitations have climbed up to become an obstacle that has become like a grudge within me that I have used as a justification and excuse to not do things.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience failure within me when seeing people actually enjoying themselves within the career and already moving within the artworld wherein I see myself as nowhere near that or even interested in that which has also become a point of comparison and believing that I cannot possibly write about something that I am not fully committed to – which implies that I am still seeing the starting point of doing this work as it being ‘for the academy’ instead of this work being for myself, to actually complete what I have vowed myself to do and finish from the beginning.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually hear/ pay attention and even use these mind assessments of my reality as something ‘valuable’ to consider in order to direct myself within my world and reality, which is unacceptable considering that none of them are in fact standing within the consideration of supporting and assisting myself to get things done without using any background information/ backchat to decide whether doing it or not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a way to convince me that this would not have to be done in the end and within me holding a ‘hope’ that somehow this would not have to be done, that I would be able to regain my automatic graduation point without having to do this work, without realizing that in such hope I am existing in a similar way to a faithfully deceived religious person that waits for something/ someone to fix their situation, instead of taking Self Responsibility at all times.

 

I realize that I have all the ability to stop associating this work to being the fruit of a failed decision in life and instead, align its starting point to a living decision that I’ve made to dedicate myself to what is best for all and as such, realizing that no matter for whom or for what I write, what I write as myself, my expression, no need to ‘fix myself’ to suit parameters that I have believed myself I must ‘fake’ in order to please others, this is about my own creation that stands as an extension of myself, my own realizations and as such, is no different to writing a blog, writing a post, writing myself to explain myself to any other person.

I realize that I have been the only one that has been the real obstacle within this all as the relationship of love/hate I created toward my career choice,  nothing else but another character that I made of myself – thus this stops here.

 

I commit myself to stop creating excuses and justifications as thoughts of how and why this is something useless to do and that I’d rather ‘do something else,’ without realizing that these are just blatant excuses to not do this in fact – thus, I direct myself to establish me as the starting point of this work, to establish myself as the directive principle within this task instead of still thinking that I am doing this for ‘someone else’ or only to ‘get a paper.’ I instead assist and support me to realize that I am my own starting point at all times of everything that I do, write, say and think even, wherein I can decide in one single moment to step out of character and this entire relationship toward my past and simply do this as a fresh-point that I decide to begin here.

I realize that I do not require to ‘carry’ all my past and personal experience within it, but actually be able to create a common sensical perspective upon creation/ creative process in itself in means of creating oneself as an individual that is able to become an equal part of the whole while using our self-creative abilities to do so, which is what begins with myself by writing this out and using this document as a way to also support others to realize the same.

 

More to continue.. Yes, until it is done.

Desteni

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Desteni I Process

Equal Money System

 

Pointing at me

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Journeys into the Afterlife – The Future Selves – Part 35

84. “What are you up to?”

The ‘catching up’ character.

 

When you encounter yourself with someone that you haven’t seen in a long time, and that you were somehow ‘related’ to each other based on friendship, family-relationship – the usual thing is to ask is ‘What are you up to? or ‘What have you been doing/working on lately?’

In this case, I see that the avoidance to face people is because of – apparently- having to explain myself every time. Yet when looking further into it, is because of not being the ‘same character’ that people used to interact with. However this is also a character: you require to exist as ego in order to have any form of resistance/ avoidance to communicate.

The point here is then having to explain to someone that you are no longer fulfilling the character they remember of you when they ask such questions specifically based on a career/ point that one have previously decided to take on as ‘main character’ in our lives. It is absolutely unnecessary having to create yet another character/ experience of ourselves to interact with someone based on ‘not being the same character’ which would imply fears, anxieties, avoidance, resistance to face people, etc.

 

I realize that to interact here with another does not require me to put on the character that ‘explains herself’ to others, but instead is HereSelf at all times.

 

Pattern: adjusting my responses in a conversation according to what I think, believe or perceive the other one is expecting me to be/ communicate about.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate/ go into self doubt in the moment that I hear the question ‘What have you been creating lately/ what are you busy with?’ because of having ‘no artistic projects on the table’ as ‘I should’ because of the career that I studied, without realizing that this is me fearing not fulfilling others’ expectations based on the ideals, beliefs and perceptions of ‘who I am’ as ‘the art lover’ that used to always talk about painting, taking pictures all the time and essentially portraying myself a ‘the living artwork’ toward others, so that they could confirm that ‘I was a true artist’ at all times.

 

When and as I see myself reacting to hearing the questions ‘What are you up to?/ What are you busy with?’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that my reactions are based on the idea, belief or perception of me having to reply in a certain way that I can fulfill another’s idea of myself in their minds, which I am not. Thus I direct myself to simply share what it is that I am doing in the moment and that’s it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the other person is looking at me with a gesture of condescending gullibility when I explain myself as working ‘on myself’ as my own art project, without realizing that this is because it is essentially made-up point that I am using for the sake of still keeping my character as ‘the artist’ in the academy. Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own self-awareness tags in order to make it an art project, just because of me not fully ‘believing’ myself to be it, without realizing that this is not a matter of proving myself to someone, nor is it about ‘making up stories,’ but this is in fact about myself and the process of self-correction that I am living and applying as myself.

 

When and as I see myself expecting others to judge me because of not being specifically doing something formally ‘plastic,’ I stop and I breathe. I direct myself to share myself unconditionally regardless of what others may think, believe or perceive about myself in the moment that I am unconditionally sharing myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that someone else can ‘mock me’ for what I’m doing, just because of them ‘knowing of art’ and as such, thinking that my project is not ‘good enough’ to be sold as art, without realizing that this is not about art, or myself, or my career, but about me being playing a character in order to be liked/ accepted by another person toward whom I had developed a ‘special bond’ with in relation to being able to talk about art, photography, politics, culture and, because this being is in my family, believing that ‘I cannot let him down on this,’ without realizing that in this I am in fact speaking as ego wanting to remain as that ‘special being’ in his mind, compromising myself and my unconditional expression toward him, as who and what I am currently walking as myself.

 

When and as I see myself fearing being judged by another when explaining my work, what I am currently busy living, applying and supporting myself with and others equally as ‘my life,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that only a character would care/ be affected by whatever judgment can stem as feedback to what I do. I realize that whatever I do is for and as myself at all times in the consideration of what’s best for all, and that anything else is only judgments based on fulfilling/not fulfilling a particular character toward others and myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to excuse and validate what I’m doing toward others, without realizing that in this single step of ‘wanting to validate myself at the eyes of others’ is ego, as I am then not communicating myself as what I’m waking, the current process of who I am in that moment, but instead wanting to exist for others, which can only ‘exist’ as a mind character playing out the exact same psychles as always.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to still remain as someone that is a certain character that I had given value to as ‘who I am,’ which is and was never real as it was based on creating things to validate such ‘profession’ in separation of myself, just as how this entire world system works – thus I stop believing that I have to validate myself toward others and simply share what I have been doing as my own walking of this process as self support and extending it to others, which is what and who I am at the moment – hence always communicating in the moment, instead of having to adequate myself in order to fit any standard.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to explain myself, validating my words at the eyes of others, I stop and I breathe. I move to express myself in the moment unconditionally.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to ‘dissolve’ the ‘old me’ toward old ‘friends’ and family, which are the ones that remained thinking that I was still fully into art.

 

When and as I see myself trying to hide/ suppress and magically dissolve the ‘old me’ toward family member and friends, I stop and I breathe. I communicate myself in the moment in relation to what I am being/ doing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify myself by saying ‘I have not stopped, I have just focused on doing some other things’ which is just an excuse and self-validation as to not completely lose the ‘title’ as ‘an artist’ at the eyes of others.

 

When and as I see myself trying to justify what I’ve been doing and why I have not participated in any formal artwork, I stop and I breathe – I realize that fear to lose ‘my character’ is behind this – thus, there’s nothing to cover up her.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and protect an idea of myself toward others due to the value I had given to the entire character as a ‘passionate artist’ I believed myself to be.

 

When and as I see myself trying to protect an idea of myself – I stop and I breathe – I realize that no idea I hold of myself in separation of who I am here as breath is real.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disappointing another based on how he ‘liked my art,’ wherein I ‘dislike’ having to ‘let him down’ for not following through as I expected myself to do. I stop manipulating myself into feeling that I am doing something ‘wrong’ by not continuing creating what I expected myself to be and become.

 

When and as I see myself fearing disappointing people/ friends/family in relation to my career, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can only defend a single idea of myself based on ‘who I am’ toward others – which is not real and only a character. Thus, I direct myself to communicate myself without holding any expectation about it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I’ve ‘wasted an entire artistic education’ because I am not creating any longer – I realize that I cannot define myself based on the past and what I am supposed to do with certain education. I am not defined by ‘having to create’ or ‘having to be an artist’ as this is only a career and a character that is not based on the physicality that I am here – thus any belief and self-recrimination is only a way to manipulate myself into believing that I am doing something ‘wrong’ for not being /becoming that which I expected myself to become.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and experiencing a ‘lack of commitment’ toward my career, I stop and I breathe. I realize that what I am doing is my decision to live and not to remain as the character I manipulated myself to be and become. Thus, I stop any judgment in relation to what I am doing/ what I am not doing, and continue supporting myself to establish myself here as a living being.

 

To Be Continued

 

 

 
Blogs:
Day 84: Lightworker Chart and Charter

Why is Life not Honoured on Earth?: DAY 84


79. “I Feel So Cheated!”

 

Patterns:

  1. Remaining quiet/ building backchat about a situation that I accept and allow over a period of time wherein anger/ frustration and irritation emerges in an outburst with further consequences instead of taking Responsibility for them.
  2. Feeling victimized when something does not work out/ going into an emotional experience and thinking/planning how to escape from such ‘evil world.’
 

This is a continuation to ‘Be careful what you wish for” which is the aftermath of realizing what I accepted and allowed myself to participate in because of allowing things to ‘just be’ without placing myself as a direct active and involved participant to ensure I knew what I was cooperating in.

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat and remaining quiet about a situation that I am witnessing is not being directed in common sense out of fear of stirring conflict, without realizing that such conflict eventually creates anger, frustration and irritation that builds up to the point of bursting it out in one single moment with extreme anger, frustration and irritation toward others, instead of having taken responsibility from the beginning for and as myself to see where and how I am participating in my world/ reality, and ensuring that all points are walked in common sense and mutual agreement, so that each one is self-responsible about the consequences from each other’s participation and actions in any given event/ circumstance.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself every time that I think/ believe or perceive that ‘I have been cheated’ and that ‘I was used’ and ‘not properly informed,’ which is just a mechanism in my mind to justify the anger toward another instead of taking self responsibility to actually inform myself and walk the process of decision-making with proper communication and without assumptions, which is how whenever I see myself assuming things/ believing that ‘what’s best for all’ is being done, I stop and I breathe – I realize that whenever I assume and remain quiet, I am only allowing myself to not be directive at all times to ensure I stand equal and one to whatever and with whomever I am participating with and within in my world. This is the only way that I can stop compromising and victimizing myself toward others, and ensure that whatever I do, say and participate in, I am equally informed and participating to express perspectives of what is best for all and what must be considered before allowing the point to unfold to eventual consequences that are not best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate on the pattern of believing that ‘I am always the one to be blamed for when shit hits the fan,’ which is an ingrained mechanism of self-victimization from when I was a child and, whenever something ‘bad’ would go in my house, I was immediately waiting to be blamed for it, building a lot of resentment toward my family for always believing that I was the only one that would do the ‘bad things’ and break things around, which is how I grew up with this sense of ‘being rejected’ and belittling myself, believing that it was always ‘my fault,’ which I used to build my self-victimization personality as to not have to take responsibility for myself and my actions because: I would fuck it all up in one way or another as it always happens.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to remain quiet throughout the entire unfolding of events, judging the expenses of the event as something ‘ludicrous’ without actually pondering how the point of support toward such charity could have been done in another way, but instead allowed me to believe that common sense was being considered and that I had to simply comply to what I had been invited to participate in, wherein I did not take proper time to investigate what I was going to be doing, but instead ‘trusted’ that the entire point was ‘good’ and ‘benevolent’ because of it being a charity-based auction, not really being aware of how it would precisely work.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a tendency to just believe that ‘my best interest is being guarded’ by others whenever I sign contracts and participate in events, without reading the ‘fine letter’ which is where and how I have to practically direct myself to ensure I read all contracts, that I inform myself about the details that I usually ‘shut off’ about in terms of money and money-making, to ensure that I in fact participate in something that is in the best interest of all – and if/ when realizing that such contract is not considering common sense, I must speak up and express the points to create an agreement wherein no consequential outflows of loss/ dishonesty emerge from the desire to profit in a situation that is supposed to be for charity only.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the character of ‘I still the mind, I shove away my reactions’ based on the knowledge and information on Buddhism, believing that such event was ‘a test’ for my patience and a way to ‘vanish my ego’ by not caring about money, which is proof of how I mindfucked myself into not looking into the practical aspects of this entire event in relation to communicating openly about money, about the mechanism of how the profit would be obtained to ensure I would be aware of how I was in fact contributing to such event – in this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always fear talking about money when being in a situation of ‘working’ / selling just because of believing that talking about money makes me a ‘self-interested person,’ without realizing that this is just a matter of practical considerations in this world and that I have to stop judging money as something ‘of self-interest’ in my desire to portray myself as a ‘humble/ altruistic person’ that was only ‘in it’ for the art and the fun, when it was not so in fact because we all require money to live and everything that I did cost money – thus I ensure that I stop my self-judgment toward the use of money and money itself whenever I sign contracts/ get involved into any working situation, to ensure that I am well informed in relation to what I am practically being involved with.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when she (the person that invited me to the exhibit/ auction) was explaining about the loss of money from the event two days later in her car, I allowed myself to take that as a complain and that she was ‘blaming it on me,’ which is a mechanism of my mind to go into ego to create further victimization and conflict inside myself, instead of actually communicating about the practical aspects that were not considered from the beginning. This implies that when and as I see myself going into ego believing that people are complaining to ‘make me feel bad/ making it all my fault’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a mechanism that I use in order to become the ego that is ‘hurt’ so as to not have to look into my responsibility within the participation of such event and my actual lack of self-direction and proper investigation to see what I was actually going to be supporting and participating in.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for the decisions made, compounding anger and frustration for what I have participated in thinking that ‘I must blame them for getting myself into this,’ without realizing that it was me that did not bother to ask and be informed about the practicality of such charity event in terms of Money, just because of the judgment that I had held toward Money itself as something that would make me look like a ‘self-interested person’ and not the ‘benevolent artist’ that I wanted to be seen as, wherein I constantly said that I was ‘in it’ because of the art and charity, not for the money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain in this ‘benevolent/ altruistic persona’ wherein I avoid having to be dealing with money and conforming to whatever rules and dispositions I take part on, as long as I am supported and everything ‘works fine’ on the outside, without really getting to inform myself about how money runs in a business/ contract/ work point that I involve myself with –

 

Within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever agree on doing a job on photography and because it was for a religious association, I ended up not charging any money for them, even though it was agreed that I would be paid for it. Which is how within this ‘altruistic character’ I deemed that asking for money/ for my pay was self-interested, and that I had to let it go for that once, not realizing that within this I am compromising myself to not be effective in the money-system because of all the backchat held toward ‘earning money’ out of what I deem as ‘a pleasure’ such a taking photographs.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that person as financially stupid because of not equating the final profit-for-charity made out of the auction and the expenses for the event itself, wherein I allowed myself to compound even more anger about the entire situation which was only building up further as the consequences of the entire backchat that I simply thought I had to ‘breathe through and not deal with it’ due-to/ because of that ‘still the mind’ personality/ character that I had decided to deliberately play out within that entire trip/ event in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fester anger and absolute irritation as the consequence of me not dealing with the backchat in the moment, and instead allowing it to compound to a point wherein I eventually explode as the consequence of not having spoken up in clarity to ensure that we are all equally informed about what is being done and what I am participating in.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge the entire charity point based on the consequences that we were facing in terms of money, instead of having had enough common sense approach to know what I was going to be participating in, and propose an actual solution to the event before hand, but instead, I allowed myself to be overridden with enthusiasm and excitement about ‘being invited overseas to exhibit my work’ without reading the fine-print on how the money point would work and function. This implies that I was the one that did not take responsibility for myself and my participation, which leads to in this anger/ ego possession, only project blame and further judgments within the self-victimization character.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself every time that I see that I depend on another financially wherein in this case, I knew that I could not end up in a ‘bad manner’ with her because my hotel bill had to be paid – thus realizing how we compromise ourselves because of money wherein common sense and equal-agreements are not placed and discussed wherein there is a point of interest behind it all, which in this case was money all the time – yet, I blinded myself by thinking or believing that ‘true altruism’ is existent and that I was in fact being invited by ‘good people,’ which is not a point of further judgment projection, but a realization of how everything works in this world through/ as/ by and for money itself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the self-victimized state of ‘I feel cheated’ because of seeing that I could not earn money other than just giving that money to pay for my hotel bill and that was it, wherein I compensated the entire thing with thoughts like ‘I earned good reputation from it,’ wherein I then gave more worth to the recognition/ fame experience rather than actually considering the expenses that I had to cover from the expectation of being able to earn a percentage of the works.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always talk myself into the ‘positive attitude/ positive side’ of things, wherein after I see that I have lost/ that the expectations were not met, I go into thinking that ‘the experience is worth it’ and that it was a ‘cool experience’ overall, which is how we have justified the ‘learning lessons’ point in life wherein we are actually participating in mechanisms of self-abuse without really taking on the points to correct within ourselves, but instead sugar coat it with ‘positive experience’ to not have to take responsibility for what we accept and allow from each other as the mechanisms of this world system based on money/ profit and greed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there were ‘true good intentions’ behind it all, such as supporting ‘emerging artists’ and gathering work from around the world, which is how I allowed myself to ‘calm myself down’ in the moment, ‘stilling the mind’ by accepting such positive view as real and more important than the actual money—issue that was discussed before, wherein I believed that because I was getting extremely angry toward her in my facial expression, she started ‘soothing’ the entire point by the good positive thinking attitude to it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I must contain myself’ whenever I am boiling up in anger, which is further self-manipulation wherein I am not allowing myself to simply breathe and without reaction speak in common sense to be on equal terms, but instead remain quiet only building up an inner battle of anger vs. stilling the mind and becoming utterly displeased and frustrated about the whole situation there.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my expression once that I have already compounded energetic reactions wherein I know beforehand that whatever I speak will be like venom trying to sound ‘correct’ while holding the anger as energy accumulated equal in intensity to the amount of time that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat while remaining quiet/ not directing myself to communicate effectively with people with whom I am directly participating in a certain situation/ event/ process.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue existing as anger once that I am finally speaking out, wherein the anger then becomes seemingly ‘uncontrollable’ based on the self-righteousness that I access in that moment stemming from my perceived victimization, wherein I realize that because I have taken the ‘lesser/ victimized’ position, I believe that ‘I have the right to be angry’ at others, instead of realizing my point of self-responsibility within this situation wherein I was the one that accepted and allowed such anger to accumulate based on my laxity of self-direction due-to/ because of thinking that ‘everything was under control’ and that I did not have to worry about it, that I could just ‘let it be’ and breathe through my questions and uncertainties about the entire event, which are obvious indications that every moment that I ‘shut myself off’ without understanding why I was asking such questions lead me to a point of inevitable anger and frustration of which I didn’t see myself as absolutely responsible for.

 

I realize that I had held this event as a ‘bad experience’ in my life based on the relationship that ‘broke up’ in that moment, wherein I remain blaming the other person instead of having realized my absolute participation in every single moment that I allowed backchat to continue in judging and criticizing without taking Self Responsibility for it. Thus I see that every moment that I ‘breathed through my reactions,’ I was in fact only suppressing them to not have to face my own point of self-responsibility and instead, position myself as the ‘victim’ within the entire event.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to criticize everything and all justifications/ validations and excuses that were presented as the reason why such event took place because of not being in the moment hearing unconditionally, but I was already positioned within anger, frustration and victimization which is how no communication can be effective as I realize that once I am possessed with anger, I blind my ears as all I can see is ‘anger’ as me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be ‘right’ about my assessment on the entire event, keeping this self-righteousness as my assessment as ‘real’ because that way I could ensure that I would remain as the victim within it all, to not see where I missed my absolute self-responsibility within my participation of every single moment of and through the entire event.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to access the pattern of me wanting to ‘leave the scene’ every time that I get into a point of conflict with another, wherein once that I am possessed with anger and frustration, I feel like crying and yelling and storming out of the place – which is all based on the amount of thoughts that I allowed myself to participate in with no sense of self-responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buildup my anger even more every time once that I am participating in a conflict with another, they present the ‘bright side’ of the entire situation as to ‘ease the experience’ within myself, which is when I make use of them being aware that I am utterly pissed off to further enhance my self-righteous anger and simply not speak as to ‘let them know that I am utterly mad and angry’ – which is a pattern that I learned since I was a little girl and my parents and I would go into a fight, I’d play out the tantrum of being extremely pissed off and no matter what they did to ‘make me happy again’ – such as buying me some candy/ thing that I like eating – I would toss it back at them and enhance my tantrum with further crying and yelling as to let them know that ‘I was not able to be bought like that.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a self-righteousness within me to get angry/ be mad at people wherein once that I am possessed in this anger, I perceive it is too difficult to ‘let go’ of it, without realizing that it will take definitive and clear self direction to establish myself here as breath again, because anger is an indication of the accumulation of backchat over time that I allowed to ‘go by’ with no self-responsible direction to stop and instead, take responsibility for the points that instigated/ initiated the anger in the first place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become even more irritated when the other person ended up the entire conversation with a ‘we all learned and had a good time which is what matters,’ without realizing that I have played the exact same point to make things ‘okay’ within myself at the end so that I do not have to face the consequences of not having directed me in every moment in the consideration of what is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create further disillusionment toward an entire career (!) based on one single event that lead me to believe that I was simply not able to ‘cope with the artworld’ which is a tendency that I had in relation to giving-up a point the very first moment that I see ‘it’s not working’ wherein all that I seek for is my way out of it as soon as possible, instead of facing the consequences, walking through the necessary solutions to ensure that I no longer remain as a victim in my own mind, but learn how to direct myself as life here in equality as what’s best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to generate an immediate spiteful experience while thinking ‘art is just another fucking business’ as to justify my entire disillusionment and experience, wherein I allowed myself to be possessed by judgment and believing that ‘I had been cheated,’ while in fact it was all built due to and because of my laxity to be self-directive in everything I participate on, being aware of each step that I will be involved in, developing proper communication wherein there is equal understanding within the agreements that must exist when two or more people unite to give direction to a particular point/ event – and within this, also ensuring that I no longer judge money as ‘dirty business’ as I realize that this is the main judgment that lead me to create the laxity as in ‘not wanting to sound self-interested in money but only doing it because of the art,’ and also because of not wanting to exist as a ‘business person’ because of how I judged business people as ‘greedy people,’ and it all being just in my head based on the ‘puritan’ idea of myself as being not interested in money and being ‘alright’ just with the experience of going there and ‘doing my thing.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the immediate pattern of isolating myself/ not wanting to see anyone when feeling this angry, using weed to soothe the moment and deciding that I didn’t want to be an artist any longer, which is an absolute tantrum that I threw as a constant pattern I have lived throughout my life wherein the moment things don’t go ‘my way,’ I simply step out completely of the game, lose all interest and mutate my interests into something else, just to remain within that eternal desire to fulfill myself in one way or another, which is what kept me ‘going’ in my life: creating ideals, dreams and desires that I could ‘live up to’ and in that, never really living HERE as life, but remaining only as a constant character seeking to fulfill itself in the right play.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of my ‘torment’ and entire anger/ frustration a ‘work of art’ wherein I dedicated myself to take pictures and create a little video that I entitled muerte/‘death’ as the death of my pursuit of happiness through an artistic career within this particular frame of ‘fame’ as glamorous art exhibits. I used this video as yet another shift in my character that I gave value and meaning as to my new approach toward art from a more ‘spiritual’ perspective – which is yet another character that I will be walking as the ‘seeking for a more meaningful art’ type of artist personality, which lasted for a couple of months before I got to Desteni.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reinforce a pattern of justifying me becoming emotional and turning it into ‘art’ which is how I fueled the pattern of ‘ You’ll need to suffer to make any real art’ /Read the entry on this point here and within this, create another layer of mindfuck to make it all ‘worthy’ for myself again when making of this event another ‘source of inspiration’ which later on became a relationship of spitefulness toward art that I had to walk through the remainder of my career. Such a love story.

 

All of these events took place in a very rapid manner wherein I went from one spot to the other like a bumblebee trying to suck the very last drop of honey to see which one would ‘work the best,’ never realizing that such eternal search for ‘something’ in separation of myself was only me existing in separation of myself here, wherein I sought to be ‘more’ that ‘moreness’ of myself in separation of myself here as breath, as life, as the physical wherein I do not require to create events and experiences to LIVE but life is here as myself in every breath.

 

Disparate

Disparate 2005

 

 

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself ‘keeping quiet’ in any given situation wherein I do have questions and perspectives to share that are in essence questioning/ contradicting the nature of an event/ situation with one or more people, I stop and I breathe – I realize the pattern as the usual fear of creating conflict/ facing responsibility for myself – therefore I direct myself to ensure that I am here breathing and speak to share what I see in common sense should be considered within the event/ situation to ensure that I stand as the self-directive principle of what I accept and what I do not accept myself to participate in and exist within my world.

 

When and as I see myself accessing the victimization pattern of thinking that ‘I have been cheated’ and that ‘I am being used,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the way for me to not face the responsibility that I hold toward a particular moment and event, and that I must stop the victimized thoughts to take self responsibility for what I have created. I realize that I can in fact simply stop getting into the cycle by developing proper communication and understanding with all people that I have a direct relationship/ agreement with in terms of the participation within an event/ activity wherein I ensure I am in fact directing me and not a character of laxity and carelessness direct myself as an ‘everything will be fine’ type of personality. I stand equal to and one with the event and the physical practical considerations with no judgment toward the pertinent questions that must be asked and considered.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am the one ‘guilty’ for causing a problem or an emotional experience in another, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the pattern and mechanism that I use in order to not have to take responsibility for my own participation in such event/ situation, but instead place myself as ‘the sack of blame,’ taking it all on me to confirm that I have ‘done something wrong’ and within this, victimize myself instead of taking self responsibility for my actions and words in every single moment. Instead I direct myself to not participate in any form of emotional blackmail in a conversation/ communication and walking agreement with another/ other beings, as I direct myself in common sense at all times considering the consequence and outflow of my participation and words, which is how I can ensure that I do not engage in any ‘personal conflicts’ of the mind.

 

When and as I see myself judging the outflows and consequences of an event/ situation not turning out in a best for all way, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only judging that which I allowed to unfold with no directive principle, which is the only way that things can ‘go wrong’ = when all participants and the purpose of something is not directed toward a best for all outcome. Thus I realize that I must not trust that points are being conducted in the ‘best possible way,’ but instead I ensure that I get practically involved in informing myself within and about all decisions and everything related to that point that I will be practically participating in, to ensure that whatever I do and with whomever I co-operate, I stand as an equal-participant in equal understanding of what is being practically conducted in every step taken, and all decisions made as to ensure that there are no ‘gaps’ of misunderstanding or any other opportunity to deceive one another.

 

When and as I see myself trying to only ‘still the mind’ as in suppressing the actual thoughts and experiences, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is another way of not taking responsibility for the thoughts that I am creating in my mind, and that it is another mechanism to evade having to take responsibility for the words that I am speaking/ and thoughts that I am participating in. Thus instead of ‘shutting them off,’ I breathe and I direct myself to see who I am within such thoughts, what is the starting point of it, how can I practically assist myself with such thoughts, self-forgiving and correcting those that serve no other purpose but fueling the ego and, that way ensure that I am able to express in clarity as breath, to expose the pertinent and practical considerations within any given particular event/ situation.

 

When and as I see myself judging me for asking about money when we are speaking about a job situation, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can only judge this point for judging money as self-interest and greed in itself, instead of considering that it is an actual practical consideration that must be equally understood in any given contract and job situation, any transaction wherein money is involved and to see it for what it is, instead of tainting it with self-judgment as in ‘loathing’ the entire monetary system just by having to receive money to live.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to blame others for having something not working properly, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is another way of diverting my own point of self responsibility toward my direct participation in events, situations and agreements – thus I take responsibility for my reactions as the result of my own lack of self direction, as I realize that I am able and capable of directing myself within the consideration of the outflows and consequences of that which I participate and that which I do not direct as myself. Within this, I see that placing myself as the directive principle in everything I participate in is the way to ensure all I participate in stands in clear-terms between all participants with an intended outcome wherein all parts are considered and the aim is what’s best for all.

 

When and as I see myself trying to portray myself as a non-interested-in-money person, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am creating this character as an ‘altruist’ and that It leads to participate in unclear businesses and monetary situations. Thus, I ensure that I direct myself to inform myself about the monetary agreements in any point I participate in without any form of judgment for asking about the how, who, when and why of the monetary situation within any given point of job/ event wherein money is involved.

 

When and as I see myself compromising my expression based on depending of another financially, I stop and I breathe. I realize that being financially dependent does not mean that I must keep quiet and comply to all the rules and regulations within no question at all. I see that I am able to be informed as a right to know what I am participating in, and this is a simple part of ensuring that whatever I do and direct myself in is not manipulated by money having ‘power over me,’ but I see money-matters as a practical and reality-based discussion due to how money is the point that allows us to live at the moment in this current system.

 

When and as I see myself trying to find the ‘bright side’ to an event and situation that went wrong/ didn’t work out as intended, I stop and I breathe – I realize the pattern of covering up the fuckups for what it is and instead direct myself to see the point that I missed throughout the entire sequence of events to take responsibility for the point missed to ensure I correct and take it into consideration from here on. And even more so, I realize that I am able to stop this entire ‘making up for’ excuses by simply directing myself effectively within the engagement of myself within a certain activity/ relationship/ point I participate in, wherein I can ensure that I am considering the outflows and consequences of my decisions in terms of what’s best for all – and that if things ‘do not work out as intended,’ I will be able to take responsibility for the point as I recognize it as my creation in full awareness.

 

When and as I see myself accessing the pattern of ‘leaving the scene’ once that I get into a conflict, I stop and I breathe. I realize that leaving points ‘unsolved’ created further rifts and that it is absolutely my responsibility to face the point in the moment by slowing myself down to breath, and talking out without participating in any emotional reaction, but simply direct the point in common sense.

 

I realize that I learned this from my mother wherein every time she would face a conflict, she’d just leave the room and go to her room and so within that thinking that I had the right to do the same within such self-victimized state, instead of taking self responsibility to ensure that I indeed remained in a position wherein I can assess my thoughts, actions and participation to ensure I take responsibility for what I manifested and walk the necessary corrections.

 

When and as I see myself accessing the pattern of dissing/ diminishing that which is no longer satisfying me or has not fulfilled me in the expected manner, I stop and I breathe – I realize that any point of judgment is in separation of myself as the point of responsibility that must walk the self-correction necessary to ensure that I see myself as the creator and responsible of a point not working out the intended way and a such, ensure that I correct the pattern within me wherein I ‘missed’ the point – thus I learn from these mistakes to ensure I stand as the correction necessary within such event/ point.

 

When and as I see myself accessing a tantrum based on self-victimization, seeking to now glorify the experience as a ‘meaningful artwork’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that there will be no need to throw tantrums and go into self victimization once that I ensure I walk in equal-understanding and self-responsibility to all points that I participate in. This is then stopping the love/hate relationship toward anything and everyone in my world to ensure that I equalize myself as all relationships and associations I form based on what’s best for all and common sense – everything else is just deviation from the principle, which implies I take it back to self, walk it through self forgiveness to see which pattern I am playing out and walk the necessary living correction.

 

I commit myself to stop any desire to fulfill myself with seeking another experience/ event/ relationship once that another one didn’t ‘work out, as this is the usual pattern that follows once the positive energy experience is depleted from one situation/ event/ point wherein we see ourselves again ‘seeking for the moreness of ourselves’ in separation of ourselves. Thus I stop, I breathe and continue walking my day to day living ensuring that I remain as breath – and stop all desires to fulfill myself through experiences.

“Your past is just a story, and once you realize this, it has no power over you” Palahniuk Chuck

This drawing depicts that moment of the conversation in her car – however in real life I was not at the wheel. 2007

 

Blogs to Get out of Character:


74. “You’ll need to Suffer to make any Real Art”

 

When I was a young around 7/ 8 years old, my sister was in her nationalist era and she had several poster-paintings by Frida Kahlo in her room. Whenever I would go in there I would remain in awe looking at those images due to the content/ expression they represented as a lot of suffering – Frida crying, blood, self portrayals of her physical discomfort and all of these surreal passages that got stuck within my mind. I was actually quite ‘sad’ when she took them down because my mother thought it was ‘too depressive’ to have those paintings in her room, ‘too gory’ and ‘too much of a negative energy’ for the room.

I had not realized how these paintings became a platform to ‘build my expression’ due to the extent that they ‘awakened’ my emotional patterns, the desire to experience the same she was portraying in her paintings, it made me ‘feel alive’ which is how I began to identify that desire to ‘suffer’ and ‘feel pain’ in order to ‘create great art’ like that, and be able to ‘express’ something as meaningful as she did. Of course I got to know her story of actual physical discomfort due to her accident, which I simply used then as a way to think that I had to suffer, create some turmoil in my life to be able to depict it through paintings and get to be ‘as good as she was’ at it.

I began creating these ideas and relationships in my head that I could use to Create what I deemed were ‘similar experiences’ of pain and suffering – this was back in 2003 as I described in my previous post – just so that I could paint something like her paintings. Couple of years later I read in a book a quote that really got stuck in my head ‘True art comes from suffering’ – or something along the lines, and that confirmed my idea that ‘I wanted to be an artist because I could ‘feel’ such torture in my being,’ lol – which was actually built and self-created from a much earlier stage in my life – 7/8 years old – and only confirming that or believing that I had in fact ‘found my place in Art’ when reading such quote 10 years after the initial ‘imprint’ of this desire to create in an emotional state.

And so, the specialness aura goes for debunking through Self Forgiveness.

Pattern: Believing that great art is only existent if it evokes an emotion within me and others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that art could only be ‘great art’ if it evoked an emotional experience within me and others

 

Self Forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be haunted by the Frida Kahlo paintings in my sister’s room specifically because of the suffering, sadness and pain they portrayed, which caught my attention to the emotional depiction of sorrow, pain, suffering as something that I could experience while looking at them and within this, feeling ‘alive’ when looking at paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop an attraction to this particular depiction of human emotions through images depicting blood, pain, tears, the human physical body in pain and through that, creating the foundation of an emotional state that I would allow myself to to experience whenever I would go into my sister’s room to look at the paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being attracted to the depiction of pain and sorrow in paintings, wherein I started valuing images depicting such emotional states as ‘great art’ and within that, me wanting and desiring to be able to paint similar topics to evoke the same emotions in others, the same way Frida’s paintings were evoking within myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this fascination/ attraction for the paintings and the experience that I was obtaining from looking at them, start thinking that ‘someday I want to be a painter just like her’ – wherein this single thought became a desire later on as the years went by, which I eventually consummated when opting to finally study arts.

 

I realize that I made that decision from the Experience that I got which was linked to fascination, mystery and a vicarious enjoyment of staring at a painting that depicted suffering/ pain/ dismal view upon the world which I recognized as ‘my view of the world,’ yet it was simply the energetic experience that I was truly drawn to due to and because of the emotional body ‘awakening’ to these paintings and beginning the identification of myself as such emotions, as an experience that I defined as ‘preference’ and ‘kinship’ to the painter, without realizing it was just the mind finding its ‘source’ to generate emotions from a visual interaction with paintings depicting such emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this acceptance of myself as emotions, start thinking and believing that ‘I have to be an artist’ because of thinking that ‘not everyone would get the same experiences I did’ when looking at art, which was only due to and based to the accumulation of self-talk throughout the years to ‘find a taste’ on art because of the associations I started giving to Art as a ‘superior human activity’ in my mind – hence using it as a way to value ‘art’ more than any other human activity, to justify my eventual decision to ‘be an artist’ simply because of the curiosity around creation and the Experience that I would get from looking at art, images, video, etc.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be a painter just to be as ‘famous’ and ‘well-known’ as Frida, because she got to be a world-wide known persona and that’s what attracted me the most in terms of being a famous person.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire creating images that could instigate the same emotional side that I got from looking at Frida’s paintings to other people, so that I could ensure that I could ‘touch’ people through paintings/ images, within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be fascinated by someone that was so ‘filled with emotions’ and being apparently ‘mysterious’ as she was, due to her tormented life which became a trigger point for her creations.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feed my mind with thoughts of ‘fascination’ whenever I would be in my sister’s room and stare at the images for quite some time, trying to almost ‘suck’ the essence out of the pain and sorrow they represented and use it as a way to ‘make my own art’ which eventually influenced what I did without me wanting to openly admit it, because ‘hey, I have to be special!’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny admitting or fear admitting that Frida Kahlo was one of my influences because of how ‘popular’ she is in Mexico and me wanting to be ‘unique’ and ‘special’ as ‘an artist,’ which I thought that when naming Frida as an influence, I would be tagged as cheesy or predictable – hence I kept it ‘hidden’ and always naming any other artist as ‘influence’ just so that I could remain in an apparent ‘safe zone’ of influences and not going for what seemed ‘obvious’ only in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Frida’s paintings were a ‘great influence for me,’ wherein the idea of ‘influence’ is still used as a way to not directly accept that I in fact just wanted to be like her and experience myself the same way she did as ‘that made her create great art!’ without ever really measuring what it would be like to be living in constant depression, sorrow and pain as the emotions that I would get and imagine her experiencing when looking at her paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to from the moment of being in my sister’s room, looking at Frida’s paintings, create this ‘special moment’ of me staring at a work of art with a predisposition to ‘get something off it’ as an experience, and the more I was able to get any form of ‘empathy’ such as depression, sadness, chills or any other energetic experience, I would use as a measuring point to say that the artwork was ‘powerful’ and ‘great’ and if I didn’t get any emotion/ feeling from it: I would say the artwork is not good/ bullshit.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the creation of emotions whenever I looked at art/ paintings/ music videos and any other image that I could use as a way to ‘feel alive’ through generating emotions and feelings from it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define being emotional and mysterious as being a ‘superior being’ that is more ‘sensitive’ toward the world, when in fact it is no different to any other being existing as the mind, generating emotions and feelings instead of just Living here as breath – within this, I realize that I have pondered artists and creative people that are well-tormented as ‘superior’ because of how I programmed myself from that early age to associate being emotional = being alive, being more aware, being more ‘in touch with yourself,’ which is just another excuse for me to validate my career choice and entire personality as in wanting to be and become ‘an artist.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the judgment of my mother toward Frida’s paintings on my sister’s wall as being ‘too sad and gory’ while making a gesture of disgust as a ‘good idea’ for me to do something that would deliberately vex her, disturb her, which is linked to an entire process that I’ve realized fairly recently due to the Heaven’s Journey To Life  blog how there is this friction relationship with the mother from the time of inception – hence this event was just part of me creating a point of friction toward her, to deliberately ‘shock’ and ‘disturb’ her, as a way to get out of the ‘cookie cutter pattern’ that I thought she wanted me to remain as/ impose onto myself because of being ‘her daughter’ – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to like the idea of me doing something that would disturb my mother in a shocking way, as a statement of saying: I am not like my sisters, I do not have conventional preferences, I step out of the family mold – which is how through becoming the entire ‘eccentric’ role, I fed my self-belief as this art-lover more and more as that meant separating myself more and more from having to continue/ follow the steps of my sisters as what I deemed being ‘normal, ordinary, conventional’ in a derogatory/ inferior way, wherein I had placed the eccentric/ odd/ mysterious/ emotional in a superior place in my mental value scheme toward the world and people.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to from the moment of seeing the shock and impact that images would create and instill in my mother to the point of her asking my sister to take them down, to then use paintings as a way for me to ‘go against her flow’ and create shocking images just for the sake of secretly vindicating my desire to vex and disturb my mother, even if I ‘hid’ most of those paintings from her, even till this day –

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the entire play-out of events from this moment on defined my desire to paint something that would be ‘eccentric’ and disturbing as a way to make my mother react or be bothered, and get a kick out of it – with no reason or purpose but that initial primordial relationship of mother/ daughter that began from the moment I was inside her womb.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted an allowed myself to choose a career just for the sake of wanting to ‘step out ‘of the mold that I believed I was being imposed with, and in that desire to ‘spite my mother’/ family structure, I opted to study something that represented ‘getting out of the family mold,’ without realizing that the only one I was fucking with was myself, as I would have to live with that decision based on all of these emotional and relationship play outs in my family that I defined myself according to.

 

I realize that the only one that is now living the consequences of such decisions based on experiences is myself, and it has nothing to do with the paintings, the painter, my mother or sisters, but only myself and my own mind as the definition of who and what I wanted to be and what I did not want to be ‘for others,’ not even for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within spiting what I perceived were imposed decisions for my life from my mother, I took the ‘opposite road’ in order to ensure that ‘I’ could decide for myself, wherein I simply took the opposite road to spite them and separate myself from them, without actually realizing that the decision I was taking was for me and my own life and that the only one that would have to live with such decisions was myself, and that I was the only one that would have to live with it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in my desire to ‘spite everyone else,’ I only spitted myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to elevate art to the status of being something ‘eccentric and unique’ which fueled my desire to not be ordinary, to be ‘out of this world/ out of my family mold’ and within that, be ‘abnormal’ from the ‘normalcy’ that I had judged as pathetic and predictable, without realizing that we have all always been predictable as the mind patterns that work in mechanical ways wherein I was never really aware of me when living out those choices, but was only following a systematic pattern of creating friction and opposition in order to establish my self-righteousness over common sense in my life, to only fuel my ego.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to begin painting with the desire to be emotional to have something ‘great’ to paint, and to evoke the same experience in another when looking at it, which is what I defined as what would make a painting ‘famous’ and ‘liked’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start seeing emotions – in a lesser manner also feelings – as a way to make a painting ‘come alive’ wherein I started believing that the emotional way I was painting in would define a painting s either successful/ not successful based on the reactions that others would be able to obtain from them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘feel alive’ through paintings, associating this with having to be sad, dismal, depressed and angry at the world, which is how I would allow myself to reinforce emotions through words, pictures, ideas, thoughts, lyrics, books in order to gather ‘enough material to work with’ as an emotional experience that I would define as ‘feeling inspired’ to paint and portray that which I wanted to say in order to leave a ‘mark’ of my emotional state for the world – creating an entire mythology around my own paintings as something special.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that because I didn’t have much to be sad about, I had to start creating my own sad stories and beginning to yearn for love and relationships, as that was another topic that I saw could generate a similar experience of ‘hopelessness’ and ‘dullness’ that I could express through images/ pictures according to how I would go tagging my reality as sad/ dismal and portraying that as paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into depression and deliberately triggering thoughts/ using images to create these emotional experiences because I defined that I could only be alive and be ‘sensitive enough’ just like an artist/ Frida, to create any good work of art.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could only create art if I had a ‘broken heart’ or a yearning for a relationship, which are the points that I fueled in order to paint.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start looking at this world as being damned and shitty, as a thought in my mind just for the sake of making of that thought a painting that could make me ‘feel’ like I as this sensitive person to what was going on in the world – hence making me special in my own eyes and wanting to be special at the eyes of others = the desire to be an eccentric unique being.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start seeing everyone as sad and dismal and slaves, which became the actual filter with which, till this day, I have been walking in order to not constantly feed the same pattern that I created in order to fuel my ‘creative abilities’ when using emotions as a trigger point for me to paint. This implies that I began seeking for the ‘negative experiences’ as a way to make myself feel ‘better’ about myself and feel ‘good’ whenever I could create with using such ‘emotional states of being’ as a source of ‘inspiration.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe then myself to be ‘too sensitive for this world,’ wherein I simply took the idea of ‘an artist being a more sensitive being’ wherein in my mind, being an artist and being sensitive meant a more ‘evolved’ human being, a more ‘humane’ being without ever realizing what emotions were really all about until now through what we learn and educate ourselves with at Desteni.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into believing that I had a ‘gift’ to represent emotions in a touching manner through my paintings/ images/ drawings/ pictures, which became a point that I held on as myself, as if I was special about it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into desiring a relationship, instigating any form of problem and friction within myself to have something to be sad, bothered, angry about in order to paint.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe in the sentence ‘True art only comes from suffering’ from Palahniuk’s books that I took on as a creed, and that I used to fuel my desire to have experiences in order to have something ‘meaningful’ to paint, which is how I would judge then what ‘good art’ and what ‘bad art’ was based on the amount of emotions and feelings I could generate/ get from looking at art, without realizing that I had programmed myself to act and believe that this was actually ‘so’ within itself which means: there was never ever something ‘special ‘and ‘unique’ about it, other than my obvious self-brain washing in a desire to be special.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain within the belief that ‘I had to be inspired to create any good art’ which mean ‘I had to be experiencing an emotion – preferably – to make any good painting, and that if I was rather ‘happy’ or in a positive attitude, it would mostly not be a good work of art, but only a spoof of reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the sadder I felt, the better the painting would come out to be, wherein I would deliberately begin painting when I thought that I was sad enough, angry enough to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to continue with this pattern of believing that creation required myself to be in a particular emotional way to generate emotions within others and within that, make of ‘my work’ something ‘great’ due to and because of how I had believed that only great works of art stem from feeling sad, experiencing sorrow and depression, which became a state of being that I deliberately sought in order to ‘make great art,’ without ever realizing I was only manipulating myself in order to fit my own ideal of what ‘great art’ is supposed to be.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements

 

When and as I see myself believing that ‘great art’ is that which is able to evoke an emotional experience within me and others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I programmed myself this way from the time when I got an experience from Frida’s paintings that became the ‘blueprint’ for me to establish what is ‘great successful art’ and what is not, wherein through this value system I simply accept myself to be an emotional-robot that can only feel ‘alive’ if being ‘emotional’ in any way as a state of being.

 

When and as I see myself believing that being an artist is being a ‘special unique being’ and ‘sensitive’ toward the world, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in art the emotional and feeling bodies are used to give further meaning to just images and things in order to perpetuate the idea of the human being a sensitive creature, which is in no way what we really are as the proof of what our desire and drive for experiences is Here as the consequence of this absolute self interest wherein we can do ‘anything’ jus to ‘feel everything’ even if it means depleting the earth’s resources in the name of a feeling/ emotion, abusing ourselves, abusing life and simply perpetuating a monetary system that in no way is supporting LIFE but only the human as experiences within emotions and feelings that keep us all occupied in our minds and neglecting the reality that is crumbling down every step that we take to fulfill our ‘dreams’ instead of acting and caring to consider what is best for all instead.

 

When and as I see myself being drawn to pictures that depict sorrow, suffering, blood, tears, sadness, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I programmed myself to develop my ‘emotional side’ as the mind within looking at such images, in order to ponder emotions as ‘living’ and equating them to a ‘higher level of consciousness’ due to the belief that I held toward ‘emotions/ feelings’ being the actual ‘core’ of being a human being as in ‘being alive,’ yet absolutely neglecting the consequences that such feelings and emotions had on a physical level in every body, but only going for that rush as the actual energy that I would create whenever I could become emotional, just like a drug that I could generate through my own thoughts and my own images to reinforce such thoughts

 

When and as I see myself believing that I ‘chose my career’ based on my ‘affinity with art and life’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this was just the result of me talking to myself to become someone eccentric – as I deemed artists to be – and within that, doing everything that I could to emulate the lives of beings that were artists so that I could be ‘one of them’ by identifying myself with their emotional experience and existence, which I defined as ‘living’ and being a ‘more aware being’ which was never really so, but only a highly ingrained belief system wherein I believed that an emotional being was ‘in touch with themselves, ‘when It was only being in touch with the mind as self, but never self aware as the totality of this world – without realizing that artists, just like any other human being, are only infatuated with their own thoughts, imagination, emotions, feelings, which is no different to any other being existing in absolute self-interest and self-obsession – thus

 

When and as I see myself seeing an ‘artist’ with this aura of ‘specialness’ when compared to other ‘normal’ beings, I stop and I breathe. I realize I am perpetuating my own mindfuck toward art/ artists being ‘special’ and ‘unique beings’ which is why I sought to be ‘one of them’ when deliberately wanting to ‘identify’ myself with artists and their lives.

 

When and as I see myself looking at a work of art with the desire to get an ‘experience’ out of it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the reason why art is ‘art’ is because of reinforcing the emotions and feelings of people – instead I can direct myself to see how I can use art as an effective way to instigate the realization of us human beings being responsible for this world and this Earth as each one of us, which is a more tangible way of using images in the name of Self-Support as Life, and not as mere instigators of emotions and feelings as ‘human nature.’

 

When and as I see myself wanting to make a decision in my life based on the desire to oppose my family/ the world/ ‘normal people,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is a basic mechanism that I have used throughout my life to generate conflict and separate myself from others in means of keeping me as ‘special’ and ‘unique,’ which is in fact just another egotistical way to ensure that ‘I’ remain special/ unique within the ‘artist role,’ instead I realize that all decisions I make must be considered within the outflows and consequences of the entirety of ‘who I am’ in that moment of decision, taking all into consideration wherein I ensure I am not opposing something/ someone, wanting to ‘avoid’ or wanting to create an experience within me as ‘living,’ – but instead direct me to consider the practical, physical and tangible steps to walk that decision that will be founded upon the consideration of what is best for all life, what is it really required to be and be done in order to establish LIFE in this world.

 

I realize that I had only sought to be and become this profession to indulge in my egotistical personality, my desire to be special and unique – instead of ever really considering what can I be and become in order to be an actual participant that takes on a position within reality to change the world that I judged for so long, and daring to first walk that process myself which is what I am now walking as my own correction to the decisions I made based on opposition, retaliation in my own mind to create a sense of superiority toward ‘the rest of the world,’ trying to ‘not be of this world’ by ‘being an artist’ and creating an aura of specialness around me.

 

When and as I see myself desiring to ‘not be like everyone else’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that this is the mechanism that we all accept as ‘normal’ within ourselves, but is in fact the basic platform from which inequality stems, because such statement implies: I want to be special, I want to be ‘more’ than others – hence allowing an entire system that enables such ‘specialness’ through the value given to different professions and skills that can actually be equalized for all if we stop holding anything as more or less than who we are as one and equal. Thus I see that the equalization of myself as life begins with stopping one single thought as a desire to ‘not be normal/ ordinary.’ I direct myself to stand as one and equal as the totality that we are wherein there can be no more and no less, but only self-expansion from the confinement of a mind that seeks to be ‘above others’ into the creation of a reality that I can in fact contribute to be supportive for all equally, and in that, supporting people’s expression to be artists and create themselves as the individuals that we all can be if regarding ourselves as life in Equality.

 

I realize that the reason why I considered art as some ‘unique’ and ‘special’ activity/ profession in my world, was because of the fame and aura of ‘specialness’ that artists would get, which became my actual desire to be and become an artist for such desire to be recognized and praised as some ‘great creator’ only to fuel my ego and desire for specialness, which stems from an actual inferiority and sense of ‘lacking’ such wholeness/ completion as myself as my physical being, but believing that I had to seek to be ‘more’ than myself as who and what I’ve been and am and will be until I die: my physical body here, breathing.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I can only create when I am feeling ‘emotional’ in any way – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the reason why I believe that ‘I do not want to create anything’ just because I have not been as ‘emotional’ as I used to, wherein I have stopped having this desire to ‘create’ because of the link I created between art creation and emotional experience. Thus I direct myself to create without thinking that I require to be emotional/ inspired to do so, which is then me creating as a moment of expression within myself that does not require to be backed by an experience, but can be directed as the moment in common sense = considering what’s best for all as a creation that is not fueled by emotions or feelings, but only externalizing the expression of myself in any given moment that I direct myself to do so.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to get positive feedback on my creations as a way to ‘know’ that I have ‘touched’ them in any way, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am trying to make of art an emotion/ feeling instigator instead of actually supporting myself and others to stop the mind and get back into the physical reality that does not require feelings or emotions to be and exist – hence I direct myself to use pictures, images, paintings in common sense to give them a new meaning based on what life is, what life can be if we all work together to actually create a world that’s best for all, wherein the only role that art can take is the creative process in itself wherein we all realize ourselves as our own creators and within that, being self responsible about such creations in order to ensure that we are in fact considering each other in every moment of creation, and stop creating as a means to elevate our egos –

 

I commit myself to stop any aura of specialness toward art, and simply accept it, see it as any other form of expression coming from a fellow human being that is valuable just for the part of this reality that it represents, without seeing it as ‘holy objects’ or ‘special objects’ in my world.

 

I commit myself to establish the Equal Money System that will ensure that dreams of fame and fortune stop being this constant fuel for the desire to be special and unique within beings, but instead become an actual point of support to ensure that all beings can learn how to express through art if they want to do so, and have no restrictions based on time, survival or any other form of belief of what is art/ what is not art – but simply using materials to create as a way to get to know ourselves through our creations, be able to reflect about reality in a self-supportive way wherein emotions and feelings are no longer in the way but we direct the work to be an actual representation of the realization of who we are as one and equals as life.

 

 

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Looking at Art–what is going on up there?

I went to a museum yesterday. I was originally planning on looking only at Ron Mueck’s sculptures, but ended up spending more time looking at two photography exhibitions.  I decided to write about this even though in my mind there are thoughts of ‘Oh you’ve written about this topic several times already,’ but I certainly require to debunk and expose for myself the exact thoughts experienced when looking at photographs. This is then to expose another part of the personality that I created for myself as a ‘sensitive person’ to images that I have defined as ‘art’ and experiencing at times that ‘no one could feel what I could feel’ when looking at an image. This was more prominent in the past and it was also experienced when listening to particular music or reading particular books – in essence when consuming another’s expression.

The ‘Artist’ personality

The memory that comes up and that I probably didn’t expose for myself yet was when I went to see Gabriel Orozco’s major exhibit in the Palacio de Bellas Artes here in Mexico City. I had recently became aware of his work back then which created or I created a great ‘rift’ within me in terms of his photographs, which was another form of comparing the stuff I was just ‘playing around with’ at that time with photography and how he had ‘already done it.’ After watching the entire exhibit that day, I went to the toilet and cried in the bathroom – why? I don’t know it was like a sense of everything I wanted to do is already done so ‘what the hell am I up for?’ That was during my first year of art school. He became this elusive idea of what I wanted to be, really successful and really wanting the kind of recognition that would enable me to share with the world my views and perspectives on life as there’s always been a desire to share with others how I see the world.

I met the guy one day because he went to my school to record some TV program about him, I even approached him as the ‘fan’ that I was and told him how his work had inspired me – but in fact it was more like being able to relate to how he views the world. Then I gave him some of my old tin boxes filled with dried peels of litchis and I asked someone to take a picture of us. Funny but he is certainly like the Mexican art rockstar and I felt even ‘cooler’ because he studied in my school. It all became irrelevant afterwards though.
I see that the pattern that plays out after visiting an art exhibit,  has been an ‘underlying’ experience that I hadn’t been able to pin point for myself then – this is in my mind not wanting to admit that I am comparing ‘my work’ to others and wondering ‘why am I not there on those walls as well?’

Part of my desires within art – as I’ve previously exposed – were that of recognition and so what emerges is really that resonant aspect that I have attached to ‘art.’ This has played out in a constant polarity coming-and-going point because I am well aware of how I made the decision to not participate in that, yet still having such thoughts coming up which is part of the inherent programming I had attached to ‘marlen as the artist’ which is a tag that makes me revolt a bit when I read it, which is just part of the aspects that we expose for ourselves to be able to walk the correction into equalization.

So, through this process I decided to not ‘seek’ such fame anymore, I stopped any effort to seek for places to show my work and focused on walking my own process. I see there has been also this constant ‘projected blame’ on to my own decision to ‘walk/dedicate myself to process and Desteni’ and leaving all things art aside, merely going to school and do what I had to do without giving it any further input into it, which is certainly required if you ‘wanna be someone’ within the art world. Though this blame is certainly only at a thought level because I wouldn’t be able to be standing in front of a canvass for hours every day pretending to be doing something ‘there’ while being absolutely disconnected from the world I live in ‘here’ – which is how I used to be living my life as an artist. It’s cool to see how this is just a thought-based reaction without really taking into consideration what this would mean in reality such as ‘dedicating myself to art full-time’ in terms of creating art in the most traditional ways. We can certainly direct art to be whatever we want it to be in terms of being able to support ourselves. I tend to be an absolutist within my life which is something I have to balance out to give myself proper time for everything and not just renounce to ‘the world’ for the sake of ‘only’ doing something and that’s it.

Going to Museums

There has been a pattern that comes up when ‘visiting museums,’ there is a point that ‘drives’ me to it which I simply haven’t been able to realize ‘why’ I go – It can be to get some sort of ‘inspiration’ which I’ve been calling feedback and simply seeing what is being created in the institutionalized art world; the other one is for the creation of the experiences which I am still ‘seeking’ to get from going to see art – that’s one of the points I can see is something I am not fully admitting because of perceiving that is dishonest- though it’s even more so to keep it secret even for myself.

Back to the Museum point. These two particular photography exhibitions were of Mexican photographers from the first half of the past century and the pattern that emerges when watching some of them is: ‘they’ve done it all already’ or ‘I do similar stuff, why aren’t my pictures on museums?’ or ‘why am I not famous?’ ‘Why haven’t I sold any images yet?’ – well, by this I mean in an actual art market.

Back to the point to debunk here:  I am in front of the image and I think ‘I’ve done stuff like this’ – comparison

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with a mental judgment to an image I am viewing and immediately link it to ‘my work’ wherein comparison emerges as a way of being able to ‘equate’ what I do to that which is considered ‘art’ and is inserted in such sphere/ category of ‘importance,’ ‘value’ and ‘admiration’ that I have given and imprinted to images within the context of a museum as ‘consecrated art’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder ‘why I am not there?’ which is a reaction that comes after comparing ‘what I do’ to what I see in museums and seeking my own benefit of  ‘being recognized/ admired’ through presenting photographs, just so that ‘I’ in the form of photographs could be looked at equal-to such artists which people have already placed in a pedestal, creating a sphere of respect and recognition around them, which is what I would aspire to get to as well.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that within comparing ‘what I do’ to others is in fact seeking to make myself ‘worthy’ at my own eyes, worthy at the eyes of others and seeking a form of validation through ‘stuff’ that I do which I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to give to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a wallowing point while ‘admiring’ someone’s work because I consider that ‘it’s been done, what am I doing then?’ – in this existing as the desire to be ‘special’ and ‘unique’ in terms of creating/ taking ‘unique’ pictures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give ‘value’ and ‘worth’ to something that I can conceive as ‘unique’ and ‘special’ within my own value-schemes which is nothing else but a make-believe system that supports no one, that is in fact not real and that cannot be of any support to who I really am as Life here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into memories of people ‘recognizing my work’ back in the day and experiencing it as a ‘consolation’ to my self created defeatism the moment I am staring in front of the photograph, in means of ‘uplifting myself’ when seeing myself ‘diminishing’ me according to this process of comparing ‘my work’ to others’ work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this possession around ‘what I do’ as ‘my work’ and within this creating an entire personality and alternate reality of myself based on ‘what I do’ being ‘my own’ as something that defines me, that values who I am and that gives me some type of ‘self-worth’ which is in fact a creation outside of myself.

I stand in front of a photograph I like for whatever reasons I could find in the moment – light, textures, contrasts, topic which I usually coming from a point where I can ‘relate’ to it –  and what I see is wanting to ‘possess’ the picture, be the owner of it, being able to say ‘I took this’ and be proud of it/ feel good about it. This is really funny when writing it out because we can see it’s all ego bs, but it’s how it exists at the moment, so best to expose it for what it is so that I become aware of what plays out in the back of my head while watching these photographs, masking it/ overshadowing the initial experience and thoughts with ‘amazement’ and ‘profound attention’ which is me just trying to eat the whole thing up and make it ‘my own.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘possess’ and want to ‘own’ that which I believe  is superior to myself, that which I see is ‘better than me’ in order to be able to ‘control’ it and feel ‘equally-cool’ to it within my self-created schemes of value/ worth that are only relevant to myself in my mind and have no direct reference to myself in this reality where a picture is just  a picture and I am just an observer of that picture – end of story.

The point of debunking this entire sentimentalism experienced when ‘looking at art’ has been a point I’ve worked with for quite some time now. I remember talking about being a visual vicious almost at the beginning of my process, which is what I have been deliberately stopping in the sense of making everything ‘more than it is’ within my mind – but I still take photographs and I still run into these thoughts and participate within them. I’m not as obsessed as before, but it’s still playing out whenever I am placing myself in a room where all you have to do is look at videos and photographs and sounds that may accompany them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a sense of ‘despair’ whenever I am done looking at an image that I liked just because of me having wanted to be ‘the one’ that was there, hanging on a wall as a photograph. It’s all ego based certainly but there is also a desire to share and to ‘make others feel what I feel’ which is also personality-based and won’t ever be ‘real’ in terms of all experiences being but a mind creation.

In essence in terms of photographs is just presenting reality to another from a certain perspective, it shouldn’t be any different to anything else like reading, looking at our environment, watching TV or any other thing we do with our eyes = no added ‘value’ or ‘worth’ within that and just take reality for what it is – they can either be supportive or not, it’s not about comparing myself to each word/ image as words just like images and this world in its entirety is just here and we can only use them as tools to express and convey a message without trying to make of the message something ‘profound,’ or seeking to ‘touch the core of the being’ with it which is what I tried to do somehow in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project on to ‘what I do’ my own desire for recognition and desire to please others wherein I wanted people to experience what I was experiencing within me, I wanted to make others ‘see what I saw/ how I saw it’ for the sake of creating a sense of ‘relationship.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to ‘connect’ with others without realizing I haven’t even gotten to know myself completely which is the primary point of connection/ self-recognition that I actually sought for within beginning an art-career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to ‘connect’ with others without allowing me first to ‘connect with myself’ as the point of self-acceptance and self-revelation wherein I stop seeking others to ‘confirm’ who I am and give ‘value’ to it, but instead I walk the process to get to know myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek ‘freedom’ through creating art in separation of myself instead of realizing that getting to know myself and creating myself is the actual freedom one can give oneself in this lifetime.

When it all began….

Memory pops up – when I began painting, I did a bunch of stuff and would keep it to myself. I created an ‘msn group’ to share them with some friends I had in the internet back then whose opinions ‘mattered’ to me in the sense of them being also into writing or music. I became then more ‘aware’ of the paintings having an impact on others, this is probably the moment where I started making of these drawings and paintings something ‘more’ because they started getting recognition and admiration from others. The moment that I showed it in ‘real life’ to my friends, they would also like it and appreciate it  the same way, which began creating a certain ‘fulfillment’ within me after I had only expressed myself in what I deemed the ‘cheapest way possible’ in a literal sense of what that implies. Yes money is also part of the limitations to create art obviously.

When watching some of the photographs at the museum  – besides the entire inner tantrum of ‘why aren’t my pictures here?/ why am I not recognized?’ there is this desire to want those people to see what I do and probably get equal recognition from them. This is probably why meeting such ‘artist’ I mentioned earlier and giving him the link to my blog seemed like something pertinent to do – lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be recognized by the people that I have deemed as ‘superior’/ ‘good’/ ‘masters’ in what they do so that I could have a ‘space’ next-to-them wherein I see and realize I have been keeping a sense of value and worth upon people wherein I become my own measuring point to ‘become like them,’ but from the ‘seeking fame/ recognition’ perspective to eventually ‘out do them.’

This is my own capitalist mind in the form of ‘innocent values’ attached to images and art creation – fascinating because as much as I could have criticized the exorbitant prices that art-pieces are sold for, I have been giving them just the same type of value and superiority according to my own schemes of what they are worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be devaluing or not valuing myself which is the inferiority play out whenever I react and seek ‘recognition’ from what I perceive as ‘great artists’ and ‘great people’ which is another way of wanting to manipulate the world to suit my needs and desires of being recognized.

There is nothing wrong within taking someone as an example – yet the point is being aware of how to stand equal-to that instead of creating an entire comparison point wherein we try to either ‘equate’ ourselves to the person from the ego perspective, to eventually ‘out do’ them or actually supporting ourselves to become more effective in what we do, whatever the action/ doing is about.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to look at art unconditionally from people that are ‘famous’ = recognized by the system, and instead accessing a projected valuing-system wherein I become the measuring point in relation to them wherein I am comparing myself to others’ creations and from there, assessing ‘how good/ bad I am’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually go to museums and watch photographs not from the entire starting point of ‘self enjoyment’ and self-reflection, but as an actual measuring point in terms of ‘where I stand’ in comparison to them.

This brings up a memory of a point that I could identify myself with when watching the movie ‘Pollock’ who was btw the first painter that really got me into wanting to paint. He appears saying one of his ‘famous’ quotes: ‘Fuck Picasso! he’s done it all’ while being drunk as hell. That’s the same I could experience in that moment when reacting emotionally to seeing the work of artists and comparing myself to them.

Funny because I had deemed myself not as an ‘artist’ but as someone that paints, takes photographs, draws and makes some videos for the sake of enjoyment. But when it comes to relating to ‘other artists,’ the self definition comes up and what is existing then is this desire to be  ‘at the same height.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use humbleness as a mask to cover up my own desires for recognition – no wonder polarity is such a fuck up really, both poles perpetuate one another.

When watching these photographs and video by Suter other points emerged – besides the ‘I’ve made a video just like that, I have a photo just like that’ points, the money aspect came up. I read all the institutions and sponsors of his work which gives me an idea of how he’s able to print photographs on gesso or use massive copper plates as the media for his photographs. He reminded me of another artist from Colombia which became part of another ‘downfall’ at that time in terms of discovering artists and being ‘profoundly  touched’ by their work- lol whatever that meant at that time which is something along the lines of becoming emotional, I would cry about these type of things like ‘being too sensitive’ for the world  and using photographs as a way to make others see what I saw, wanting to be ‘understood’ without realizing that only mind systems seek for recognition, seek to be understood and ultimately seek to be ‘special’ or ‘different to the rest of the people’ due to such ‘view’ on life.

All about the same personality traits.

So, I’ve opened up the point here which is a superiority/inferiority mechanism that is triggered when comparing myself to others that I deem as ‘good’ at something, this can be extended to virtually everything and it can only be ego based wherein I am judging myself, my expression and what I do and then projecting it in comparison to another’s expression and abilities, which is literally wanting to run a race against ‘air’ itself because it’s all based on mental schemes of what is of value and worth in relation to others. A reverend mindfuck indeed.

Coming back Here

This is something that I had written out last Saturday and left it ‘hanging’ for a while because of perceiving that I had opened up a ‘vast’ point and that it required a major re-cap to continue, which I realized now when I got myself ‘back to it’ that it was all a mind creation of it, just as everything else that I perceive is ‘too much’ and ends up being nothing else but a mere idea of it being ‘too much’ in my mind.

I went to another museum yesterday, this time being more aware of being driven by the general material that has been emerging around this particular exhibit which is what caught my attention. This time I got to see stuff that was challenging the current accepted concepts of identity, economy, society and the general names we’ve given to everything in this world, turning it all into something very obvious to see and become aware of once that you get a proper read of the work – which is something that I still doubt happens in its totality as a form of becoming an educational tool. I see this ‘flaw’ in these type of conceptual works, you require a certain reference and knowledge to be able to ‘get it’ otherwise it remains as an intellectual non-comprehensible joke.

At least this time this exhibition showed more of an overall reflection on the current system we’re living in which is something that must definitely be expanded as a general activity of us human beings living in this current context, starting questioning it to see how we have configured it this way.

This brings us back to the point of self-creation as being our own work of art wherein we redefine art to the actual creation of ourselves as Equals wherein non of this entire value-system mindfuck will be able to exist because it’s all been inherently linked to an entire star-system in the art world wherein only a ‘selected few’ get to be ‘on top of the world’ and getting all the money and recognition while the rest are left outside of the circuit in its entirety.

This entire system we’re living in is based on competition which is linked to the money system in all ways as well, therefore this will become an obsolete aspect once that we are able to live and express regardless of any specific ‘framework’ of reference such as the ‘art world,’ we’ll be able to create and live and use art as a point of self-reference instead of making of it an entire ‘entity’ of ‘our own’ that can be compared and valued when placed against others and go to the extent of ‘valuing’ ourselves according to how it is judged/ perceived by others. Individuality will not be a synonym of specialness, uniqueness as the usual connotations of value/ worth we’ve attached to it, but as an equal-existent expression within its own set of conditions that cannot possibly be ‘the same’ for all individuals, yet equally able to express and create as there will be no limit to this in the form of a savage monetary system that is currently nullifying the ability to express for many beings in this world.

Suggested read: the picture world and self expression
Transforming Art from Mind Occupation to Self Expression
 

Art should be...


Leaving Dreams to Live the Dream into Reality

I Threw some rocks off in the sea.

And by this I mean downloading that which we have seen for ourselves already yet probably not exposed as such before, but merely let go of while walking and realizing that there is some weight we all carry around like stones – memories.

Letting go of memories is part of walking this process of Self Honesty within the realization that: I am not my memories as I am not this prefab mind that has existed only with the purpose of fulfilling some preordained life-track that I’ve merely followed as ‘myself’ as ‘who I am’, believing myself to be all the feelings and emotions that I had experienced, that’d take me to that up and down ride in quite a disruptive manner – man, it wasn’t cool. Even if I’d kid myself about ‘feeling alive’ when going in these rides, I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to keep myself existing that way for a long time, seemed to tiring, seemed like I could drive myself nuts at any time – yeah, that’s how it was when I’d participate on the mind extensively mostly generating emotions and feelings around this.

A part of the rocks I’ve thrown at the sea is all these dreams that I had in relation to ‘who I want to be’ – lol when I write this several images come up and a twitch on my left knee indicate: yep, this is it: Egoland!

Sweet Dreams are Made of this

So! First memory of ‘what I wanted to be’  was an astronaut. As a kid – and I didn’t even know how to read at that age so it must’ve been a bit early on – I used to take this book about the space travels and the universe and I’d go page by page looking at the pictures just wanting to be Buzz Aldrin or someone like that. I seriously considered on my early ages becoming one until my oldest sister said: nah, your eyesight is not cool and your heart has a slight arrhythmia – you would never make it past their rigorous medical exams to test health condition. So, I gave up the dream just like that – saw myself unfit for it.

Next on was ‘ I wanna be in a rock band’ yeah! As a ‘kid’ later on mostly around 7 I became fond of watching music videos on MTV. I developed a taste for the rebels that I’d see on tv as ‘rock people’ and so, yeah I wanted to be one of them. My heroes weren’t cartoon people but women that were leading rock bands or any other girl that’d be in all-male bands so, you can get the picture of it. I developed a lot of my then personality around that, extensively – though I’ve accepted some of those traits as myself to be open and share and express regardless of any limitation I perceived, so that’s cool – yeah won’t deny I also walked through the ‘shadowy’ part of it, but that’s another story. Being in a band was my ‘third option’ in terms of ‘professional career’

The dream I had when I was on my teens – this was around 2001 was – and I’m gonna write it literally – being the editor in chief of Spin magazine – lol. Yes I enjoyed music, I still do, I was obsessed with music and had gathered a lot of information about it, I was a devoted music junky for some time which occupied most of my time so I was kind of ‘preparing’ myself because I wanted to someday get an internship at that magazine and ‘make it’ to New York and have a super fab loft living on the big apple, having some nice coffee next door, writing for this magazine, hanging out with artists and party in New York. I used to read books that were mostly related to or based in New York, lots of Beat books and generation x-related content. I wanted to ‘make it’ through my writing and at the same time, be writing for what I then thought was ‘the coolest music magazine ever’. Lol I actually got to know more about that job and how demanding and actually nut-driving it is, hardcore stuff – won’t say names of the source of info, but I’m glad I got to know that I didn’t actually pursue that dream. Lol ‘pursue’, I didn’t buy into the dream any further later on when my interests started veering towards other directions.

In between the music-magazine editor point, I simply wanted to write books – that’s still able to be done as a self-supportive action so I wont’ count that one off just yet –

Next was what eventually became my career: I want to be an artist in terms of painting, photographer or something related to visual arts. After I had spent some time playing the guitar and bass I realized that I enjoyed music too much but stressed me out to play – well there’s actually kind of a back story within this. Okay I’ll share because it’s relevant to see how we accept and allow ourselves to be limited by others. My then friend/partner would be very critical towards me playing, I would be quite nervous when playing with him, I felt unsure about the sound of it all and even if he taught me and was doing it to make everything sound better, I started simply fearing playing with him and within that suppressing myself and believing that I’m not ‘good enough’ to play music – so I stopped. I would not be chasing a career in music either as I didn’t see it as a practical thing to do in terms of my context and I stopped practicing as much to dedicate myself to painting wherein I thought I had found the ‘true love’ lol.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress my expression and believe that I wasn’t ‘good’ at playing instruments without realizing that I wasn’t only playing at the standards and requirements of another – within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself believing that I had to stop playing music because of not being ‘good at it’ and within that, simply leaving the entire music creation based on that single self-accepted belief of ‘what I’m good at’

I realize I only limited myself out of my own belief and taking others’ judgments as a fact of ‘who I am’ which is the point I forgive myself for to never allow myself to belittle myself in terms of being capable of doing something out of the belief, idea as judgment that I could ever harbor within myself upon myself.

So yes, it was 2003 and Marlen got a craving for painting. I limited myself within it from the very beginning, I knew I’d be wanting to make lots of paintings so I bought some cheap watercolors which were more like colorful liquid inks and started working with that for the entire summer. I had ‘so much to say’ … looking at my pictures back then I could see much of the stuff I had participated in terms of being a self-tormented being, belittling myself, seeing myself as unworthy and kind of existing in this constant desire for a certain relationship – man it sucked but painting and doing ‘my thing’ became a resort through my highschool years – that’s where I began drawing. Never saw myself as ‘great’ doing it, but I knew I had something to say, probably never had the virtuoso skills but still that’s the dream that I chased far enough.

When I finished highschool, I wanted to go straight into arts school but my parents didn’t want me to leave home and go to the ‘big city’ so, I applied and got into university in my home city wherein I studied my second choice for one year: literature and linguistics. That was cool for a while but I knew I could not spent my days revisiting old greek books and trying to find something else in there – I wanted to create. And so after long hours of discussing the point, I got actually motivated by a then friend of mine to apply for two art schools in Mexico City – and so I did. Lol I was so fearful because I knew that there was a possibility for my parents to not allow me to do it, or support me in that, but I did it anyway and it turned out I got into the National Arts School and so the ‘dream’ began.

I was so happy for having ‘made it’, like actually convincing my parents to go there and convincing myself that ‘this was it’ that I was going to actually do what I had always wanted to be: an artist.

I breathe and I’m here – I began that career in the fall of 2006, just today I saw an exhibition of the art work that people do on their first year – you can see all the ‘dreams’ in their work, that drive, that dedication. I was like that the first year full on, head on, seeking to have the best reputation which I kind of obtained from my teachers that year. Living alone and so forth was like ‘liberating’ in so many ways, totally enjoyed it.

Second year began and my drive to ‘search’ for something else than art began – or the mix thereof with a ‘higher purpose’. Yes, the lightworker design was kicking in a lot and so I spent hours and hours not paying much attention to art but philosophies and religions and occultism because I was seeking for God – lol. Now I laugh but man, it was quite extensive to say the least. One of my dreams was creating a new religion, an all encompassing religion, one that would bring the best of all that I had read into one – fascinating because I ‘d take notes and kind of get overtly excited about it at the time. I wanted to have a ‘certainty’ of the religion/ practice I’d follow to then base my art upon it and create a new ‘sacred art’ devoted for that single ‘dream’ that I had of serving god or serving a ‘greater purpose’ and what I had deemed was my ‘Mission in Life’

LOL Yeah the infamous mission in life – okay, so that all mixed up with my intense desires of being famous which actually got me into having my first artist flick in an exhibition abroad wherein I got to see the ‘true colors’ of fame and art as a business and so forth – had a great time in what I called the beginning of the end of Marlen as that bunch of dreams started crumbling down. I’m so glad I had that early experience on ‘being an artist’ and doing promotion and having the life of a ‘famous one’ man, it sucks! lol and I was so into ‘meditation’ and ‘stilling the mind’ and all Alan Watts type of books that to me having to be ‘promoting myself’ was too disruptive for the ego that I was creating of a calm and “spiritual being” while I was already quite hooked on weed which would lead me to buy in some other country and kind of being driven by that desire all the time – yikes. Anyways, the downward spiral began there, november 20007. I knew there was something going on like ‘death’ was on the air. Yes the death of all those dreams because I saw myself not enjoying it – art, fame, fortune suddenly seemed like a nasty thing to be craving for and so all I wanted is for it to end though, I can see how I required to go through that to then be able to say: this is it! This is not my idea of a good time.

Got back to Mexico, school and the ‘glory’ of a first exhibition abroad, saw how easy it is to grow one’s ego upon stuff like that, saw how easy it is to take on the role that the world expects you to play. I breathe and I’m here and I remember how from there I wanted to create a non-mainstream type of art, a ‘sacred art’. Got myself into more esoteric stuff, alchemy, tarot, many other stuff until I got to the mayan calendar and from there into Desteni.

I don’t require to explain anything else from there on – all the dreams crumbled down when I realized what a selfish mind I had been all the way, just wanting to have all the fame, fortune and glory and promoting some ‘god’ that doesn’t exist. I had quite a breakdown the first few days like ‘Oh my god! I’m not Real! this has all been a scam!’ Lol – but anyways got over it as I started exchanging emails with people at Desteni and got immediate support to start walking my process – that was January/Febuary 2008 and the rest is history.

Right now I’ve completed my credits on this career and I’ll certainly open up points that I see in relation to that ‘dream’ that I followed and the reality of it at this moment and how I’m linking that to the actual creation and creative process of creating myself as an actual human living being.

Throwing such stones of ‘dreams’ away seemed like the hardest thing to do at some point for me – they were this ‘thing’ that would apparently ‘keep me running’, like this ‘chase’ that I was striving for and willing to do anything for. It became quite clear how when I realized that all those dreams stood for nothing else than personal glory that I had in fact never ever considered dedicating myself to something that could be Best for All – I saw myself as having ‘something to say’ in relation to changing the world, but never actually becoming that point myself first. So I had to stop being a wreck of emotions and feelings and habits that were certainly unsustainable and got myself on-line with regards to myself, extensively self forgiving my past, letting go of regrets, letting go of the relationship that I had literally built myself around to keep in place – man, that was a hard one and till this day I still get thoughts on that, imagine therefore: constant self direction is required – and other points had to be let go of such as seeking this ‘fame’ that I had realized was not what I was looking for.

It became fascinating to see how everything that I did within Desteni became that actual rewarding self experience for myself. I finally ‘felt’ that I had found my place as I was starting to create myself as that which is supportive themselves and supporting others on the way – this is simply IT I mean, what other dream is there to fulfill but the actual realization of who we are as Life and within that actually creating a world that’s best for all? I wanted that, I sought for that but never found the way to it.

We got the way, we are here creating and paving the way beginning with ourselves. I threw out those rocks of illusions and dreams to actually get myself grounded on my two feet and actually work with myself to stop pursuing dreams and get into creating myself as a single point in this reality that can take on a position to create an actual change in this world, a position of supporting this entire process, a position wherein I’m most effective within the overall outcome which must be Equality as Life – and from this it’s actually walking the dream that I had sought for through my existence, yet all the preprogrammed desires had to be placed aside to actually get to see that I can actually will myself to do this without it being a pre-laid desire or wish to do in my reality. That’s where self creation kicks in, that’s where self-will and the actual movement of myself within this comes in.

The weight is off as I’ve seen the ‘dreams’ for the illusions they were, for the personal desires they stood for which were all experienced based really, all but flicks of spontaneous glitter that would inevitably go off leaving me with the same ‘void’ that I tried to ‘fill’ from the very beginning.

Once I realized there is no void to be empty of, but to actually start considering myself as all that exist I am in the process of creating myself as that dream that is doable, feasible within the terms of what’s best for all – the dream is no longer ego-based but life-based, a collective dream that many of us around the world are walking into a reality – that’s Desteni and I’ve never been that grateful in my existence for having this opportunity to finally GET REAL and step down from my smoky clouds of house of cards that I’d built for personal entertainment.

What’s best for all is best for you is best for me – that’s the ultimate dream to realize through practical application of us giving to another what we want for ourselves, of us actually standing as a new human being that doesn’t require to fulfill fallacious dreams, but is willing to stand as a pillar for Life in Equality, ‘giving up’ the illusion that we were anyways and birthing ourselves into actual physical beings that can create a system that’s actually beneficial for all living beings on Earth.

Now our reality is here, no we walk as equals and make sure we get to create our dream to come true: Equal Money System that will enable all other dreams to come true once we’re no longer fighting for survival, fighting for each other and fighting over our own self-accepted limitations.

I don’t have or require any other dream in life but creating a world that’s best for all because within that all the other dreams would simply become an actual choice of experience instead of something that I wanted to to do ‘escape the system’ – no way, we’re here to change the system works and within that, liberating all life forms in this world from the enslavement of ourselves as our minds projected into a reality that believed in a heaven and salvation – that’s no more.

We’re here and walking our dreams into reality, a single dream that no longer stands for that ever elusive chain of desires and wishes based on money and fortune– all I want in life is for ALL to have a dignified Life as Equals–from there, I can see myself being fulfilled as an actual living being and thus having the actual time and disposition to explore life for real.

This is Not over yet, it only just begun.


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