83. Finishing what I Started

The ‘Fulfilling character’ character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as self-doubt based on the ideals that I’ve kept with regards to what is an acceptable expression based on what is pertinent to express in relation to only being one single character as ‘an artist,’ instead of realizing that I am a human being that is able to express in any way that is self-honest and congruent in relation to the physical moment that I am walking in relation to my process.

 

I realize that I had been limiting myself based on being ‘caught’ between being ‘academically correct’ while trying to remain ‘true to myself,’ which means that I am still allowing myself to separate the ‘intellectual’ aspect as something that I have to ‘work further into,’ without realizing that what I am working with is myself, and that at the moment there is nothing I am creating as everything is already here. I am simply sculpting myself, using what is here already as myself and giving myself direction to become the expression of who and what I really am as life, which is the process I am walking here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as doubt the moment that I have to present a ‘final work’ toward the academy, just because of the ideals that I have created around ‘the final work’ and how I have deemed it to be this ‘huge event in one’s life’ which is how I have instead shoved it aside and believe that I have to pull out a ‘great show’ for everyone, which is only stemming from the ego and personality I have been throughout my life as a student that is ‘bright’ according to judgments that I’ve accumulated as ‘who I am, ‘ which I’m not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually ‘fear’ letting go of these standards because of considering that me-expressing myself in simplicity will not make me something ‘outstanding’ which is what I had been tagged as throughout my career ‘being outstanding’ and believing that everyone is expecting me to have this ‘outstanding career,’ which in no way correlates to the process I am walking as myself. Thus, I stop preventing myself to express and move based on these ideals that I am secretly keeping as a ‘final shot’ within my life, without realizing that I cannot serve two gods, and that my ego is no longer a point to be taken into consideration when I am the directive principle of myself here.

 

This means that I cannot possibly continue procrastinating and allowing myself to be waiting for the right moment to write-myself as the declaration of who and what I am as my own process of self creation, because I see and realize that I was waiting to have something ‘finite,’ without understanding that it is the mere explanation of myself as my process and as such, it won’t be anything that can be measured as right or wrong, as it is a creative-process in itself with no precedents. Thus, I allow myself to walk this point with no predisposition toward anything or anyone in separation of myself and my expression here.

 

I realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to still take the ‘academy’ as something above me, as something that could refute anything I could say just because I am not presenting any artwork per se. Ye the process in itself Is the creation as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I was not going to be working with some work of art per se, I was standing in ‘dangerous territory,’ which is just me using an excuse to validate my self-doubt and hesitation based on mere beliefs what and how I should present myself to have this ‘flawless’ project, without realizing that because of holding such Ideals, I am in fact limiting myself to make of this work a simple and practical extension of the process that I am walking on a daily basis through writing. This proves how one single belief can tamper my ability to direct myself and essentially become like a haunting ghost that is seemingly ‘beyond myself,’ which is absolutely unacceptable as it is all based on the belief of who I am as the ‘perfect student character’ which is only feeding an ego that is busy dying.

 

I direct myself to express myself here, in simplicity and stop the haunting ideals of me fulfilling anything for anyone else in separation of myself. I realize that whatever I write and express as myself is within the consideration of what’s best for myself and all as equals – thus there can be no ‘wrong doing’ in that.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place conditions toward my expression based on wanting to fulfill a certain ideal/ ego/ pattern of myself in separation of who I am as life. This means that I stop creating an elusive ideal to fulfill in separation of myself within attempting to write ‘for someone else’ such as ‘the academy,’ instead of realizing that this is about me writing myself as my process and in that, it is no different to the expression that I write myself as every single day.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the reason why I was not facing this point is because I was still holding on to the idea of ‘who I am’ toward teachers, school, the consideration of my entire student career throughout my life, wherein I was still aiming at this ‘perfection’ but not based on self-developmental perfection, but perfection base on the idealism I lived as myself in terms of being awarded with ‘the highest honors’ always, which is what I have kept in the back of my head as this ideal that I apparently have to fulfill.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually program myself from a very young age to be able to obtain the ‘highest honors’ when graduating, which is just an idea of what I thought would make ‘more than everyone else,’ and that would fulfill the ‘perfect student career’ that I was busy maintaining as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place conditions onto everything that I do based on which characters I am seeking to fulfill and reinforce, which proves that I have become essentially a character that works to fulfill other characters wherein I miss out the absolute expression that is here as myself at any given moment, and instead believe that I have to get to a certain point to be able to express myself, or that I require to ‘find the right expression’ in separation of myself, which is just indicating that I was simply wanting to maintain a character within myself that keeps the pillar of the ‘flawless student,’ which is a character that I felt I lost the moment that I dropped out from my first career – as an accumulated self-judgment toward myself – and having left school for one year to be living abroad – which became me losing my opportunity to have an automatic graduation, which meant to me losing the perks of being this ‘flawless student.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that because I won’t be able to get the highest honors, then it Is just pointless to do something ‘worthy’ – yet at the same time fearing not being acceptable enough for the academy, thinking it won’t be ‘sellable,’ which is just me trying to fulfill another’s expectations in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up before even having started, which means that I have become this character to be fulfilled/ bashed and accordingly only move as fear waiting for the ‘right moment to come,’ to give myself direction, instead of realizing that the more I procrastinate, the more I compound the single possession of fear, shoved-away anxiety that comes with it, which is absolutely unnecessary considering that expression as words is here as myself at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually stop myself from directing myself because of fearing not being ‘good enough’ at the eyes of that ‘world’ that I have kept as superior than myself, which is the academy/ schooling institutions even though I am aware how they function and how it is all part of the basic conditioning of creating competition and these apparent ‘high standards’ upon human beings – hence I realize that any form of limitation is just a stupidity loop in fact, because I am accepting and allowing the realm of knowledge and information to be ‘beyond myself,’ while all that I require is here as myself already.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘letting the career down’ and everyone else involved in it, based on how I had walked it with having these great expectations toward myself and because I am in no position to fulfill them, my entire starting point of doing this work is stemming from me having failed at ‘becoming an artist,’ and having failed to fulfill the expectations that I had toward myself and that I believe, think or perceive that others have upon myself.

 

Thus I realize that the only point of betrayal can actually exist if I continue allowing myself to tamper my ability to express myself here in every moment by wanting to suit myself into a character to fulfill other characters’ expectations, which is unacceptable.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know that I would experience regret and still not do anything about it, which is just proof of how one single point of belief can be an entire point of self-sabotage if not walked, addressed and opened up immediately as self. I realize that self-movement is compromised the moment I hold but one single iota of character to be fulfilled as myself, and in that, I am entirely responsible to face the consequences of what I am creating for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually project myself into ‘that day’ when I have to present this work and go into fear because of all the value I had placed to such moment from a very young age as this apparent ‘magnificent’ event’ wherein I placed myself as the character that would go ‘beyond history’ with some magnificent final work, which is just base on my ideals that fulfilled the ‘perfect student’ character I accepted and allowed myself to be and become as ‘my worth’ and ‘who I am,’ which is the point that I now see and realize I was not willing to entire let go from the moment that a point that I am not directing as myself is directly linked to preserving this elusive ideal of myself toward others and in a particular institution.

 

I realize that within these ideals and beliefs of who I am and how I must present myself in such moment is stemming from comparing myself to other beings in my family that have presented a ‘flawless work,’ wherein I placed a higher standard for myself in order to end up being ‘the ultimate winner’ at the eyes of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in future projections as the image of me in that room with teachers in front of me, asking me questions and having ‘an audience’ that I must apparently dazzle with my wits, which is just an entire mindfuck that I’ve used to only torture myself, instead of giving me absolute self direction at all times with it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear when thinking ‘will teachers/ academics buy this concept of art as myself?’ and in that, already limiting myself for giving worth and value to what others can say about a point that is and will be a point of self-expression in its totality, wherein I realize that the ideas of me having to comply to a certain institutional format is just self limitation and doesn’t represent at all the unconditional expression that I have walked and proven to myself I am able and capable of doing with no obstacles a all. So, I realize that I had still held fear and fear of being judged by ‘weird’ and ‘unconventional’ even in art school by my professors, which is ludicrous considering the type of work I am presenting and the school that is precisely created to break patterns of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable within an academic world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by others based on what I am working with, without realizing that this is not about ‘defending my thesis’ as this is not a thesis as something to ‘prove’ to others, but a single explanation of myself as this moment an this process of self-creation that I am walking and how it goes along with artistic expression as a point of support for it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am ‘betraying’ or ‘not making use’ of what I was supposed to have learned in school, just because of not being presenting plastic work in some specific discipline, which is just me fearing being judged for not complying to the usual modes of presenting the final work, without realizing that I was only trying to please others with my work in my mind, instead of actually physically walking it as myself without expecting to create any special form of ‘feedback’ that I could feel better or greater about myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to still hold on the idea and belief that I had to come out with the ‘greatest score I could attain’ which is what I would then be satisfied about, not realizing that because of fearing not getting this, I am instead not moving myself within this point simply because of fearing being judged.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is such an ‘important thing in my life, ‘ without seeing and realizing that just by this single belief I am creating an entire point of separation between myself an this ‘final work’ based on the ideals I was still wishing and hoping to fulfill about myself, instead of just walking it as self and in such way, not having to be ‘expecting’ something out of it other than what I am able to express as myself in every moment that I dedicate myself to write here as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first create these entire ‘ideal’ about my final work and separate it from the actual walking it on a daily basis believing that the ‘final document’ had to be this outrageous and ‘outstanding’ expression which I now see and realize I was simply busy trying to fulfill in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the positive feedback as a point of self-acceptance in separation of self, wherein I went into idealism instead of practivism, and that’s the entire point wherein I tried to fulfill the idea of who I am in separation of myself as the physical moment I am living in that I can simply direct myself to write it out, without going into fear of being judged, fear of not ‘fulfilling’ the reader, fear of coming ‘short’ in my expression and – all of these fears are absolutely unacceptable.

 

I realize that any moment that I see myself judging this point of work as ‘something separate’ from the daily writing I do and direct as myself, is simply an excuse to not dig further into realizing how obviously I was still holding such ‘final work’ as something beyond my nose, which means that I projected it into this elusive future, instead of bringing it here as self and as such ensure that I walk it as self, as the realization of who and what I am able to be and express in every moment of breath in relation to the process I am walking as myself here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that I’ve made the ‘write choice’ for the topic because it was ‘positively accepted’ by my professor, which is just a point of self-manipulation based on thinking that ‘it is already great because my professor liked it,’ which then becomes a point to fulfill ‘for others,’ instead of myself expressing myself here in every single moment of breath.

 

I forgive myself that I accept and allowed myself to move myself based on positive feedback, wherein I can see that I am not absolutely self directive the moment that I am still trying to fulfill an idea of myself based on what is ‘good’/ great from others, instead of taking myself into consideration as the expression that is here in common sense and that as such, It cannot be possibly refuted.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself to a single belief and expectation, which is as limited as a single thought waiting to be fulfilled by an external stimuli to keep the positive energy running. I stop myself as a character that seeks to be something ‘great’ for others, and instead, remain constant as the realization that all that I am is already here and that any delusion of moreness or less than is just a mind-belief that is in no way who and what I really am.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to still allow my mind to direct myself as fears that I suppress with other activities, thinking that ‘the right time will come,’ without realizing it won’t ‘come’ by itself, but that I have to practically and physically direct it as myself at all times.

 

 

Rumbos Inciertos 2006

 

Self Corrective Statements.

When and as I see myself resisting and not wanting to go into what I have deemed as an ‘academic writing,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am separating myself from information and placing it as ‘more’ than who I am in every moment, without realizing that this is one single point that I can direct as the expression of myself in the moment, instead of being wanting to become something ‘else’ to be academically correct, which is the point that I have been struggling with and seeing it as ‘something I cannot yet be sure about, ‘ which would imply that I am seeing the ‘academic work’ as separate from the expression of who and what I am in every moment of breath. Everything is here, I allow myself to direct it as myself.

 

When and as I see myself creating this final work something ‘more’ than myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am making it more than myself because of the ideas that I have created toward ‘finishing a career’ and comparing myself to my sisters and their final thesis/ presentation, of which I personally took it as this point that I had to ‘surpass’ and better at all cost, just so that I could go out with the triumphant belief that I had been this bright student throughout my life and that ‘my final exam was no exception,’ which is just me future projecting and expecting to be ‘remembered’ by teachers, by parents, by colleagues as something ‘great’ other than myself here in simplicity.

 

When and as I see myself doubting my own expression in any given moment in relation to presenting a work toward any institution, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only separating myself from the constancy and consistency of myself as self-direction and allowing me to be tampering it with the ideal of me having to adjust such expression to be liked/ accepted by the academy, without realizing that this is just a self-belief that I’ve come to feed and fuel as ‘who I am’ as the character of ‘the perfect student’ that has no place here as myself, as the physical body that is not defined by knowledge and information or ‘who I have been’ in/as the past.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to fulfill the ideal of ‘the perfect student with a perfect final work’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that I am seeking to fulfill an ideal of who I am in separation of myself, which is not acceptable, as everything that I am is already here as myself and any idea of me as ‘more’ than myself and/or wanting to ‘maintain’ a self-imposed title is only ego.

 

When and as I see myself placing conditions onto my expression in order to suit an ideal according to be presentable to a certain institution/ school / academy, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this limitation can only exist as fear that I can stop in a moment of breathing and physically directing myself to express in common sense. Who and what I am is constant and consistent no matter what, thus any condition/ impediment is only stemming from myself as the mind wanting to preserve or remain stuck within a single character which I realize now is unacceptable.

 

When and as I see myself still believing that I have to ‘become’ a character in order to write, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the elusiveness of me writing myself is still a mind-created experience as any form of ‘impediment’ can only exist as an actual fear of being judged, fear of doing something wrong, fear of not suiting the ideals placed by the academy, fear of getting ‘stuck’ into something which are all bullshit and ludicrous points as I see that my nose clears when I clear my head from these ‘ghostly limitations,’ that can only exist the moment I place myself into THINKING about it, instead of just physically directing myself to write.

 

When and as I see myself seeking perfection outside myself based on the ideal of ‘who I as in the past,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is only me sabotaging my entire ability to be/ live and express in one single moment, one single being that is here as the physical expressing self as the physical, which means that I do not require to get myself into a certain ‘state of mind’ to write out the work, nor do I require more ‘knowledge and information,’ for it, it’s just a matter of directing myself to do it.

 

When and as I see myself still as something/ someone in separation of who I am in every moment of breath when/ while being preparing the work for school, facing teachers and so forth in such ‘art realm,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the anxiety that I’ve suppressed and experienced was just this suppression of myself based on the ideals of how I had to do it, who I had to pleas and where I could ‘be wrong,’ which was all based on me having difficulty explaining myself in the past whenever I tried to explain this process to others, without realizing that at that time I had barely begun it, and that it was impossible for me to really express myself as it, because I had not walked it.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have to ‘keep up’ my status toward others and caring about what family/ friends will say about me and my final work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is it, this is the moment wherein I can finally allow myself to step out of my beloved character of miss perfection and allow myself to express in common sense without any expectation toward it, as I realize that the point that I will be serving is Life itself and not a single character building career.

 

When and as I see myself feeling defeated because I could not attain to ‘the highest honors’ I see that this is just plain egotistical bullshit and has no space to hold here as myself any longer. It’s all memory based and memories are only self-limitations as the lies we believed ourselves to be in separation of who we already are here as one and equal. This is no higher talk, this is a certainty. This implies that any egotistical institutional reward is nothing but an ego-game to gain further positive experiences that are only energetic fleeting moments to rub the ego as the mind. The physical cannot be flattered.

 

When and as I see myself forming a character when trying to fulfill a character, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the moment that I see something as ‘difficult’ and that I deliberately place aside to not give it immediate direction, I am in fact just fearing having to face letting to of my own ideals and facing the reality of myself without the highest expectations that I had still held within myself, which became a point of comparison toward ‘who I was’ in the past, which is in no way who and what I am here any longer – the character is not real.

 

When and as I see myself still believing myself to be this ‘flawless student,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this ideal was actually stemming from the fear to not be good enough and fuck it all up, which is the exact fear as irrational as all fears that I have been living out with no direction given because of believing that I had to do something ‘else’ in separation of myself.

 

When and as I see myself fearing not being ‘good enough’ at the eyes of people in academy, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the ‘betrayal’ toward the career is only me wanting to fulfill a character in an ‘appropriate manner,’ which is in no way what I am willing to diminish myself to. Thus, I stop the bullshit and direct myself to express myself here, no judgments attached.

 

When and as I see myself worrying/ future projecting about the moment of presenting my work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this all stems from the value/ worth I had kept toward ‘the academy’ as something superior than myself, without realizing that this is just a limitation that I created within myself and has no space In reality as a certainty – thus, I stop.

 

When and as I see myself going into regret, I stop and I breathe – I realize I am simply sabotaging myself even further, the only point to correct this is to practically and physically direct myself to do that which I was procrastinating to direct as myself.

 

When and as I see myself going into comparison in relation to how my sisters presented their final works in school/ university, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot possibly compare myself to others, as each one’s process is different – hence I stop placing these benchmarks for myself and rather direct myself to do what is required to be done and that’s it.

 

When and as I see myself fearing what academics will think, believe or perceive about myself and my work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this point of fearing being judged is just irrational as all fears, and that there is no possibility to fear expressing myself here as who and what I realize I am. I cannot possibly remain trying to defend myself as a character, and I see that the entire problem is how I titled the work itself – as ‘the artist’ and that because I do not see myself as an artist, I created an entire unnecessary conflict with it, simply because of fearing simply presenting myself as a human being, not one single character only.

 

Thus I direct myself to make the necessary arrangements to express how I cannot only define myself as a career in order to satisfy some ideals I Have upon myself and others toward myself. I cannot lie myself any further for any purpose or any justification, as the work itself is about myself and my self-honesty.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place myself as ‘intellect in conflict’ and within this forgetting completely about the physicality that I am and exist as, which is and cannot possibly be diminished to a single character playing as ‘who I am.’

 

When and as I see myself believing that I will have to ‘prove’ myself to others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I had ‘lived’ this point toward other beings in my world, but somehow I had held school as this immaculate piece of reality that I could not equalize myself as, still seeing it as ‘beyond’ myself.

 

Thus, I direct myself to finally let go of any idealization toward myself and my career – and everything that I had linked to ‘art’ itself and really, actually equalize it as myself, as who I am.

 

When and as I see myself trying and believing that I have to ‘impress’ others with my work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is not me here as physically speaking and doing in the moment, but existing as a future projection of ego wanting to be fulfilled.

 

When and as I see myself placing value onto my ‘final score’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that this is the character-rating that I have been bound to the most time in my life, always being used to ‘getting the most’ and believing that if I don’t get ‘the most’ this time, I have failed. Which is not so, it is just a character waiting and wanting to get ‘the most’ to continue existing as myself. Thus, I direct myself to present myself and express in the moment with no expectations as I see how expecting creates anxiety and anxiety creates a limitation to express unconditionally as it is all fear based on being judged, I stop and I direct myself in the moment.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that ‘this is such an important moment in my life,’ and seeing it as the ‘pinnacle’ of myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that who I am is not based on memories and future projections, but simply here walking the system for what it is – I walk it in equality – no more and no less.

 

When and as I see myself expecting my ‘final work’ to be this outrageous paper, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am going ‘ahead’ of myself, and that all I require is to express myself as I exist in the moment, which can express in common sense without any extra desire to be ‘more’ than myself, thus I direct myself to express me without wanting to suit/ fit in a certain ideal of myself toward myself and others.

 

When and as I see myself using positive feedback as a way to move myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is only the ego being stroked and getting fuel to continue going. Who I am does not require positive feedback but only self-movement as the realization that everything that I require to be is already here as myself .

 

When and as I see myself separating this ‘final work’ from any other writing I do on a daily basis, I stop and I breathe. I realize that all I was doing was keeping it in a ‘special compartment’ which is not acceptable; otherwise it would not be me writing myself but me as character writing for other characters, perpetuating the character world. I am here to stop all characters as myself and in others, and instead direct myself to write something that will not be base on wanting to ‘fit in’ within the academic world, but that genuinely represents my own process of self-correction and self-direction as the creator of myself.

 

When and as I see myself using zeal as positivity to direct myself to do something, I stop and I breathe. I realize that within this I am only reducing myself to a single character fulfilling itself and is I no way me supporting myself as the expression that is constant and consistent here as breath. No more and no less required.

 

When and as I see myself expecting a final resolution of having a ‘great work’ and getting compliments in such future projections about myself and my work and ‘who I am’ toward others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is not even a matter of being humble, but simply realizing that anything that can be said about my work and myself has I no way any influence as to who I am, as all I am is here as breath and no words can make me more or less than ‘it all.’

 

When and as I see myself existing as a future projection and expectation of fulfilling myself as a character, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the desires that I fueled from a young age were based on me only being a single character/ ideal that is in no way who and what I am as the totality of myself. Thus, I direct myself to walk this point as per requirement and stop limiting myself and my expression based on characters I played in the past that is not here any longer.

 

When and as I see myself deviating myself to do ‘something else’ instead of finalizing this work I stop and I breathe. I realize that the word ‘finalization’ means giving it a breath by breath direction without holding on to a single ‘outrageous outcome’ that I expected of myself in my mind, as that is in no way related to who and what I am here as the constancy and consistency of breath.

 

I direct myself to finish what I started.

 

 

 

MUST READ BLOGS:

 

• Day 83: Character Charting to Discover Real Me

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  Who’s the Boss but Memory?: DAY 83

 

 

Must Hear Song!

• Himno del 2012 (Anthem of 2012)
• Free Download here: http://eqafe.com/p/2012-himno

 

Note to Self: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make such a mind drama today, without realizing it’s hormones taking the wheel instead of myself here as the physical. Thus I direct myself to stand one and equal as my physical so that I don’t have to go wondering around what the fuck is wrong with me today.

72. My Career Choice

I have been walking the last posts to see how Money influences our lives and decisions in life, wherein we can see and realize that whatever we thought we were doing as an actual decision by ourselves, was in fact a product of our social-conditioning accepted as ‘choices’ in life linked to ‘succeeding’ in the system in one way or another.

 

I’ll be walking my own career choice from the moment of how I believed myself to be ‘talented’ in doing artwork and how I built this belief within myself in order to make it ‘my profession/ career’ in an almost infatuated manner, without considering the actual practicality of it in terms of giving myself practical living directions to actually be able to live of it/ earn money of it within my life.

 

My choice of career was based on creating an ‘acceptable way’ of not wanting to participate in what I deemed as the entire ‘corrupt greedy system’ that we are living in. I dropped out of linguistics because I realized that career was going to simply make me a library person, an intellectual reading others words and dissecting them as valuable/ not valuable, and I wanted to be a ‘creator,’ a ‘creative’ person. But in the back of my head, all that I wanted was to create a lifestyle that was – apparently- ‘out of the ordinary’ which is how I deliberately created my personality as a profile of an ‘eccentric being,’ so that others could agree with me that: I had to be an artist.

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I don’t know what I’m doing here’ while being in classic literature class in linguistics and literature school, without realizing that I chose to study that career and was fully ‘into it’ before I had instigated within me the idea of ‘wanting to study art’ instead

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized while having to ‘endure’ the class that I am not genuinely interested in, while daydreaming about being ‘creating’ and going to ‘art school’ which was a ‘dream shut down’ for me at the moment, because of me not having been directive enough when choosing my career

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘there is no way I am going to spend 5 years listening to useless stuff’– without realizing that I am in that only considering that which ‘suits my preferences’ and ‘validates my personal taste’ to do and be whatever I want to be, without realizing that I belonged to a certain institution where curriculum is not able to be ‘picked.’ I realize that I judged the moment because of existing within an obsession to get to study art school and drop literature –thus I manipulated myself, the moment and all my actions to ‘make it visible’ that I didn’t really want to be there any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘my thing is to create and not regurgitate other’s words’ which is a statement of self-manipulation to reinforce my already lingering desire to stop the career and move to another one.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged and ‘discredited’ because of deciding to ‘drop out of school’ and fearing that this would be seen as a failure in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what others would have to say if I dropped out of literature school.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to even fear admitting this to myself because of how I didn’t want to continue ‘lying’ to myself about me being comfortable within the school, without realizing that it was actually me not being ‘comfortable’ within myself, and my life and that going to art school only represented another ‘way out of the system’ within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that which I had initially ‘adored’ as literature/ books/ reading in order to justify and validate my excuses to drop out of that school, validating preference as an actual ‘reason’ to drop out which is how I placed preference over common sense to validate my personality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge literature as ‘useless stuff’ without realizing that this judgment was coming from me wanting to convince myself to be doing the ‘right choice’ for dropping out of the literature career.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my ‘ideal career’ to the career I was studying (literature,) just so that I could continue validating my own desires to migrate to another point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘my thing is to create and not regurgitate what others have created’ which is a statement made out of spitefulness toward that which I simply stopped liking, which is a usual mechanism to validate our point of view over our self-created reality and consequences, to make myself seem like a ‘winner’ and not a ‘loser that drops out’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare literature and art and placing the latter above the first one just because of wanting to validate my decision to ‘go to art school’ above literature, and justify the reason why I was dropping out of it, to not be seen like a ‘drop out’ but rather a ‘wise person that aligns her decisions and preferences in life.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to suit my decisions to seem like a ‘wise choice’ that makes me a ‘winner,’ instead of admitting that I have made a mistake and can allow myself to give me a second opportunity to re-align my decisions on life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge and criticize people that study literature as ‘library rats’ in a spiteful mode just to add on to the ongoing validations of why I don’t want to continue studying literature.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to project myself into a self-created ‘gloomy future’ being locked in a library for the rest of my life if continuing studying literature, which is just how I used my imagination to perpetuate the belief that I had to get out of that career to not become like my worst nightmare, which is just another belief and justification that validates my desire to simply stop studying literature, using denigration toward others in order to see myself as ‘making the right choice,’ which is judgmental and unacceptable, as it is me trying to see myself as a winner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to get validation for my ‘skills to create’ in order to validate my decision to change my career and within that, being able to justify why I ‘don’t like literature school’ any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was because of my parents that I wasn’t able to study arts, while in fact it was me that wasn’t directive enough with regards to taking and making a decision based on my life and my future.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself in relation to what my parents though with regards to me not going out of the city to study arts, when in fact I realize that I used this also as an excuse for me not having been directive and responsible enough to consider what it is that I actually wanted to study in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having taken my ‘second option’ within resignation and within a ‘second plate’ type of experience around it, without realizing that I was only judging it that way because of me not having taken the necessary steps to actually walk the initial desire and decision to study art from the beginning of having to choose my career.

 

 

I forgive myself to deliberate scheme and manipulate my expression in order to continue drawing so that ‘others’ could see my ‘real passion’ for art and drawing – instead of realizing that I was the only one manipulating myself to suit my own desires to migrate to another career and ‘life.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others judgments upon my work as ‘flattering’ and ‘props for my ego’ wherein I am in fact creating this idea of myself as ‘definitely being an artist’ and using that to deliberately validate and justify my change in careers.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘which is a self-belief coming from the starting point of validating my desire to study arts and ‘change’/ veer my direction in order to suit my entire desire to ‘be an artist and be out of this world’ – therefore it is and was not an actual recognition of a ‘passion to create’ but used as an excuse to validate my self-definition and desire to not be part of what I had deemed as a ‘greedy corrupt system’ of money/ capitalism, that I thought I could get away from by studying arts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having feared to convince my parents about my career decision, out of them disapproving and losing their financial support.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having feared proposing a change of career toward my parents because of not wanting to create a reaction within them as me ‘dropping out’ thus, losing my ‘reputation’ toward them as the ever excellent student that ‘doesn’t drop out.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear disappointing my parents’ when letting them know that I wanted to change my career, which is me judging myself only for not having taken the necessary steps and direction from the get-go initially. I realize that this is me existing in self-blame and projecting it on my parents.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear letting my parents know that ‘I don’t like my career’ because of fearing being seen as a ‘lost person’ that ‘doesn’t know what she wants in life – and lose credibility and my self-definition as a person that ‘knows what she wants to do with her life. ‘

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents mocking me for changing directions in my life and dissing my new direction as ‘another phase in my life’ based on how I had lived my life going from various phases, preferences and lifestyles, without realizing that I am only limiting myself within this fear to actually support myself to explore what is it that I am actually capable of being and becoming in a supportive way for myself and others within the consideration of what’s best for all, and not only ‘what I like’ or believed I liked doing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others’ judgments upon my life as ‘true’ and allowing them to affect my ability to make decisions and take directions that I know are required once that I have proven to myself that the previous decisions are simply not what I meant to do/ be and become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my parents/ family’s judgments as a decisive factor to move myself and direct myself within my life, without realizing that I am the only one that will live within such decisions for the rest of my life.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself asking ‘what the hell am I doing here?’ and feeling victimized about the situation, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am the only one that is able to direct myself in my reality and that any beliefs of victimization are only ways to manipulate myself to not face the fact that: I placed myself in this position – no one forced me to do so. I realize that whatever I experience is a direct consequence of what I have created and directed within my life by my own will, thus I stop victimizing myself by statements that reinforce any form of manipulating myself and others to ‘get out the backdoor’

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have to ‘endure’ a class, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this ‘self-torture’ is only generated by my own judgments and opinions about the class in itself.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I am in no way going to spend 5 years listening to useless stuff – I stop and I breathe. I realize that the judgment is stemming from my desire to change my career and that everything I said was already from wanting to diss and discredit the career I was in, just to suit and reinforce the self-belief of ‘having to go to art school instead’ – I realize that I have used this self-manipulation to suit my own needs and justify them to make it all ‘acceptable’ at the eyes of others, just because of having feared being judged by ‘dropping out’ of it.

 

I realize that I feared being seen as a ‘failure’ by others and that within this fear of judgment, I manipulated myself to portray myself in a way that others could validate that ‘my decision was correct’ – without realizing that the only one that I was manipulating and fearing is myself: fearing failing and fearing being judged by others.

 

I realize that I have used to denigrate that which I no longer want to be bound to, and eventually create an opposition toward it, even though I ‘adored it’ at first- such as literature and linguistics. Thus I stop and I breathe whenever I see myself denigrating and making something ‘less than’ just so that within my own mind, I can see myself as ‘being a winner’ for opting out and going to an apparent ‘better position’ as in studying another career. Little did I realize that it was never about ‘the career’ but about myself only.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to validate my choice and placing myself as a ‘winner’ by validating my ‘choice’ through dissing/ making the other point less than, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is an ego treat to make believe that I made the right choice and that my decision is validated by my own evidence and assessment of the event/ situation

 

When and as I See myself believing that all decisions I make are ‘for the better’ I stop and I realize. I see that within this starting point of ‘bettering myself/ desiring to be in a ‘better position’ I am in fact justifying my own manipulation to remain as a ‘winner’ within my mind. I realize that everything that I decide to do within my life must be assessed and directed within the starting point of what is best for all, and that I am absolutely responsible for making it work or not. I assume all responsibility that comes from making decisions in life –

 

I realize that I have tricked and fooled myself to justify and validate my choices in life based on preference, instead of an actual assessment of what is best for all. I stop manipulating myself to believe that everything I decide to do with my life is ‘alright’ and ‘will always go well’ – as this belief system is what lead me to walk through art school.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to manipulate the way that others will see my decisions in my desire to be seen as a ‘wise person’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that the manipulation that I have created toward myself and others can only in the end affect myself only, wherein I realize that I must take into consideration the consequences of my decisions within practical terms and not only manipulate myself to be a ‘winner’ at the eyes of others and myself.

 

When and as I see myself creating future projections as unpleasant moments/ experiences, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only going into my mind to manipulate my beliefs in a way that it suits the outcome that I am looking for, which is discrediting my own career choice by now dissing it because of having ‘something better to aspire to’

 

I realize that this is a pattern I have lived out within this point of careers and relationships, just so that whenever I see a relationship/ career point ending, I am able to remain as a ‘winner’ in my mind, instead of being self honest about the decision being simply a way that it wasn’t suitable for myself according to the interests I pursued back then. There is no need to judge and justify my decisions based on ‘bashing’ and belittling the original choice to make myself feel ‘better’ about my decision.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to do something ‘evident’ at the eyes of others to validate and support the belief of ‘who I am’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is an attention seeking pattern wherein I am deliberately wanting to be validated and identified as ‘an artist’ or an ‘expressive person’ which I use as props for my ego to remain within the ‘creative suit’ and within this particular situation, having used it as a way to validate my own shift in career and validate it/ excuse it with a decision based on having ‘real passion’ to create, which I have demonstrated to myself was never actually real.

 

When and as I see myself blaming my parents for apparently not having been able to allow me to study arts, initially – I stop and I breathe. I realize that it was me all the way the one that wasn’t directive enough to make a decision and walk the actual process to achieve it, but instead allowed me to conform because of not wanting to stir up conflict. I realize that within my life and my decisions, I must be absolutely self-directive and considering the actual steps to direct myself to accomplish a point.

 

When and as I see myself victimizing myself with regards to ‘my parents not allowing me to study arts out of the city’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I wasn’t directive and responsible enough to consider that it was only me the one that had to place the actual ‘doing’ and ‘planning’ which I absolutely neglected at the time, and went for the most ‘comfortable option’ which meant not challenging also my own schemes of ‘going out and living alone’ which I eventually directed.

However, I realize that I require to be specific whenever I am walking a point in my life wherein decisions have to be made and actual direction must be given within the consideration of what is best for myself to be, live and direct myself toward in order to support myself and within the principle of what’s best for all.

When and as I see myself opting for the most ‘comfortable’ and ‘less troubling’ solution within my mind when having the opportunity to choose – I stop and I breathe. I reconsider to see and realize that I have to take into consideration the actual outcome of such decision and all the dimensions existent within that decision, to make sure that I do not create unnecessary timeloops within my life and my experience. This means that I direct myself to be bold enough to take the necessary risks to direct myself to an outcome that is certainly best in the moment, and stop my own limitations that only exist as fears within my own mind.

 

When and as I see myself believing that ‘my real passion is to create’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that what I have deemed as such was only a validation for my decision to change career and backup an entire personality suit as ‘the artist/ the creator’ – I realize that I haven’t allowed myself to establish self-creation as one and equal wherein it’s not a point of self-definition, but an actual integration of my ability and capability of supporting myself to correct and direct myself according to that which I see is self-supportive in all ways within my life, and not limited to ‘creating art.’

 

When and as I see myself fearing others judgments upon my change in career/ different lifestyle that I decide to take on as my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am the only one that will live with the decisions I make within my life and that I am now being directive to consider what’s best for all in such decisions, and not just a self-belief pattern that backups a personality. I realize that all decisions and changes that I take within my life, I am absolutely responsible for – therefore I stop allowing judgments to influence my decision in any way whatsoever within my life.

 

When and as I see myself placing the excuse to validate another option that I may have and say ‘I cannot see myself within this for the rest of my life’ – I stop and I breathe. These justifications exist as a trick of my own mind to ‘talk myself into’ accepting another option as ‘better than’ based on self interest – I realize that in the direction I am taking with my life, I am considering what is best for all as a point walked day by day, wherein it is not a profession/ career/ occupation but rather a life-learning process that cannot be defined within the current schemes of ‘career choices’ in our world, as it is me learning how to live and do/ live/ create/ direct myself in the consideration of what’s best for all life in Equality.

 

When and as I see myself limiting myself to receive validation from others in order to make decision and direct myself within my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot depend on other’s validation to move myself, as I realize I am capable and able to direct myself efficiently within my reality wherein I am self-responsible for the consequences and outflows of the decision I take. I realize that only moving/ directing myself after getting ‘enough validation’ is self-manipulation and not allowing me to realize that Self-Direction is existing in one single breath here that I make a decision and walk it – live it.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing frustration because of not being in a place that supports my creativity and expression – I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is a belief-system of myself that I have used to manipulate myself into an outcome that I have perceived as ‘less restrictive’ without realizing that in doing that, I have limited myself and my ability to expand into fields/ areas wherein I have not even considered that I could also enjoy and learn/ expand from. I stop limiting myself according to preferences that only lead me to live an apparently more ‘lax’ way of ‘lifestyle.’ I realize that self-direction even in points wherein I seemingly ‘don’t like/ don’t enjoy’ are only limitations based on preferences within my own mind.

 

When and as I see myself victimizing myself, whining and complaining about ‘not fitting in’ and using others’ validation to my belief of having to be doing ‘something else’ within my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can only complain about my own fuck up of not having directed myself to plan an actual direction within my life wherein I could be doing that which I intended to do from the get go, but allowed myself to limit myself because of fears. Thus, ‘not fitting in, not belonging here’ are but excuses to remain limited and stubbornly want to validate my own self-definition, which is also not supporting myself to allow myself to expand and explore my capabilities within other fields that I had not considered within my own mind before.

 

When and as I see myself ‘fearing disappointing my parents/ others’ in my world based on the decisions I take within my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this judgment only comes when I haven’t walked the point within absolute self-direction and self-trust to know that my decision will actually be best for all in all ways, and that whatever I decide to do with my life, is my absolute point of Self-Responsibility and nothing or no one can influence that point for myself.

 

When and as I see myself fearing being seen as a person that ‘is lost’ and ‘doesn’t know what to do with her life’ – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only creating this fear based on my own ‘lack’ of self-trust in that moment to direct myself to actually support myself within taking decisions and directing myself in my life, within absolute self-responsibility for what I do and what I don’t do.

 

I realize that I have feared being seen as ‘lost’ or ‘a waste’ because of having dropped out of my career and not following through with my actual career. I allow myself to change directions if the previously chosen direction is not best for all. I allow myself to see mistakes as a way to see where and how I am not effectively directing myself and within that, allow myself to be actually supportive within considering the outflows and consequences of my decisions in life.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to get validation from others to make decisions in life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am able to direct myself and change the direction within the realization that I am the only one that will walk the consequences and outflows of such decisions I take and live throughout my life

 

I realize that I cannot allow anyone else’s judgments and opinions to affect who I am and how I direct myself within my life, If I am certain that I am in fact directing myself within self-honesty and self-trust.

 

I also allow myself to obviously get some feedback and reference from people that are able and capable to consider self-honestly what’s best for me to consider as a point of self-direction within the current point I am walking in process and the position that I must take on in order to support the outcome that is best for all life in equality.

 

For further support, visit the Desteni Forum 

Desteni I Process 

Nada (2005)

Blogs for self support:

• Day 71: MIND over Matter

• Love as The Secret to Attraction: DAY 71

• 
  

  Day 38: Design of Beliefs