Tag Archives: artistic

421. Art is in the Eye of the Beholder

 

I took this great blog title from Leila Zamora Moreno who gave it as a name for her son’s Cesar first masterpiece which I am going to share here because it’s his first year alive on Earth today!

We got a Pollock coming, people!

Cesar's Masterpiece 1 Year

 

So, I watched a documentary on Marina Abramovic’s work called Marina Abramović: The Artist is Present and noticed how through watching it, I was constantly seeking for some kind of ‘meaningful’ thing to come through, something that could match my idea of ‘art.’ Through writing the self forgiveness I’m about to share, I realize that I had become this constant judge toward anything I’ve defined as ‘art’ and within doing so measuring/gauging it and see if it does match my idea of art as something that can ‘change the world’ and if not, usually I would follow through to judge it as pointless, useless, a waste of time, etc. In fact I had written out a blog about the documentary, but obviously noticed it was filled with righteous comments so as to impose ‘my perspective’ which then of course was a cool thing to do or else I would have remained within the idea/belief that ‘I was right in my assessment’ lol.

I also reacted when seeing people organizing performances and/or artistic creations around an ongoing situation here in Mexico about students having been disappeared/most likely killed due to a political point of convenience for a governor in one state here and then judging this as ‘pointless’ and ‘meaningless’ and then rehashing the judgment of ‘how come I can despise this ‘art world’ so much now and I once was so eager to be a part of it, where was I?’ – so here I go straight to Self Forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself, how was I ever involved in this art/cultural realm and come to despise it so much at the same time? Which is only showing the usual love-hate relationship wherein of course any ‘negative’ experience is in fact denoting I still hold a relationship toward art, and as such, it’s all about ME in fact and not at all about art/artists or the art world at all – this is then the point of self-responsibility to expand upon here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience remorse and embarrassment for having ever aimed at achieving an artistic career as I followed my desire to experience something ‘special’ through art and aim at ‘changing the world’ with it, which simply means that I was entirely driven by my own emotional and feeling experience and that this clouded my ability to see reality for what it is and genuinely question whether a ‘work of art’ has in fact ever changed people’s lives to the extent that I thought it would.

In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge art as something frivolous or useless, wherein by defining it in such way I am then creating a negative relationship to it, but still a relationship nonetheless, so this is about me taking responsibility to ensure I no longer impose any ideas, beliefs, perceptions and reactions toward ‘art’ itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create yet again an experience of disdain toward people that are using art as a way to demonstrate the corruption and deaths of people here in Mexico, wherein now artists are gathering to create portraits of students that have been – most likely – sent to be killed by a high authority in one of the states here in Mexico, and so reacting with the experience of ‘this is utter bullshit’ and so having the desire to just curse at the people that believe that in any way doing a portrait or performance of and for the people that have disappeared will change their family’s grief or would in any way ‘solve the problem.’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that this ‘disdain’ is simply a tantrum like experience that comes after one had created certain ideals and expectations upon something, which is why one has such a ‘stance’ toward – in this case – art, instead of realizing that ‘art’ in itself in this case is not aiming at creating a tangible, physical solution, but simply a remembrance that some people might find supportive and that’s up to each person and how they react/interact with such artistic expressions – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become hypercritical to anything that has to do with art and aiming at bashing it constantly or whenever I can, which only demonstrates my own judgments and ‘false expectations’ created and imposed toward art, wherein I was trying to make of art an actual ‘tool to change the world’ but I realize that ‘art’ in itself as a manifestation and expression cannot do that at all – self change is and will always be here as ourselves, it is about who we are in our mind and in our actions, which in turn will define our creations as well.

 

I realize that in this, of course I’m missing out the actual self-forgiveness that extends beyond ‘myself’ only but as a human being that has lived in a world where pictures, emotions, experiences are the actual ‘drivers’ and/or ‘fuel’ of our reality, wherein the society of spectacle also involves creating this kind of ‘motives’ and ‘remembrances’ using art as a way to ‘heal the wounds’ or else, without realizing that in essence, art only works at a mind level and as such, it creates no solution to real-reality problems and in this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge art for not being what I expected it to be, instead of realizing that it’s only me that tried to make it’ more’ than what it in fact is – in this

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly try and fit ‘art’ into the category of a human creation that will in some way ‘change the world’ or ‘change people’s consciousness’ wherein in my desire to ‘fit’ art into this ideal, I’ve actually created such an unnecessary conflict within me, because I see that it is just impossible to do so, because nothing, no object, no image can ‘change you’ but only oneself in actually understanding why changing is necessary and how one can practically do it – in this:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so infatuated with the idea of ‘change’ being able to exist within art, which you know in terms of the large scope of what art is, this idea of ‘change’ is already a limitation, a definition that is coming strictly from who I am and what I am walking in my life, which is very much aligned with ‘changing myself ‘ – thus, I have to stop trying to fit the world, fit people’s idea of art into my own.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be gullible and somewhat stubborn in trying to fit ‘my idea’ of art into everyone else’s artistic creation, which then of course leads me to only criticize, judge it, see it as ‘not good enough’ or ‘pointless’ or plain ‘bullshit’ without realizing that I’m judging it from my own point of view that aimed to make of art ‘something life changing and revolutionary.’ Therefore, I realize that I have to STOP trying to impose my own ideas of what art was supposed to be as a catalyst or a way to change people’s minds/lives and instead of trying to measure ‘all art’ against my own idea/belief and perception of what ‘art should be, I have to rather use all judgments as a way to continue checking what exists within me as an expectative or assumption around art, as this is then how I can use art or anything else as a mirror to continue seeing where I am creating experiences and separation from what is here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play out the love and hate relationship toward art, which only signifies one thing: there are still remnants of self-definition within me according to ‘being an artist’ or wanting to stick to that profession as ‘what I studied’ or ‘who I was,’ because in a way I still wanted to try and ‘save the profession’ as ‘my choice’ and having done so in absolute clarity and conviction within myself; and so this was my attempt of trying to justify my decision thinking that I wasn’t so ‘out there’ or detached from reality when I chose to study this – but, at the moment I can see that I was in fact not really ‘grounded’ on Earth 10 years ago when I made such decision and that somehow I am still beating myself for it, which is not necessary – therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having chosen what I now judge as some self-conceited and self-importance and absolutely self-indulgent profession as ‘art’ which in this is in fact only judging and ‘dissing’ that which didn’t ‘turn out to be what I expected’ and so, I realize that I have gone back and forth within this experience in the past of the ‘love and hate relationship toward art,’ but the problem is that I still tried to ‘suit my idea’ of what art should be in everything that I continue to see/watch and consume as ‘art,’ instead of realizing that I have to absolutely let go of the idea that I once held about art, let go unconditionally of my past choices in life, of my past ‘mindset’ and as such, stop any judgments around this point within me.

I commit myself to see art for what it is: a series of visual or experiential-based objects or images or actions wherein one is challenged to see reality with another pair of eyes and get to see reality from each person’s mindframe and perspective – thus to take it ‘for what it is’ as an individual or collective expression, instead of continually trying to see ‘where or how is this in any way changing the world?’ which is My idea of what art should be and the reason why this conflict still would emerge within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge ‘the past me’ as vain and superfluous for having chosen such a career and now in one way or another wanting to throw shit at it, which is not really acceptable at all, because art as any other action and creation that we do in this world, is part of what we also have to take responsibility for. Thus my way to contribute to it, is not to ‘bash’ something because it did not ‘fulfill’ my expectations upon it, but rather take the words that I had once associated with art / being an artist and live them myself in the way that I see is supportive and best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to having said this morning ‘where the hell was I when I decided to study art?’ and say so with a sense of regret and disdain toward me and so toward everything and everyone involved in such practice, instead of realizing that if I did this same kind of reproachment for everything else that I see we have done ‘wrong’ in our lives, I would live in constant reproachment which is obviously not necessary at all as in that, we only trap ourselves in guilt and remorse, instead of focusing on what is required to be changed HERE.  

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what’s hiding behind this is me not wanting to admit that it was my own starting point toward art that defined my now judgment toward ‘art’ which is not about ‘art’ but about me and how I was in fact living and acting in a self-absorbed manner and was seeking for the kind of things like fame, fortune, all the money and the ‘good life’ as well as bashing the system while earning good money, lol – so I realize that I have to simply admit to myself the kind of decisions that I made in the past, the reasons behind it and that there is no way that I can ‘turn back time and change my decisions and career choice’ because I do realize that the decisions I made in my past were absolutely ‘congruent’ to my mind-frame, my interests, my aspirations in the past and within this, I have to absolutely let go of me trying to ‘make sense’ of my initial ambitions and desires in life so as to justify them, and try and see them with a ‘good light’ so to speak, which is not really necessary to now super impose some ‘goodness’ to it, because that would simply imply that I am still judging my past life and decisions as something ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ or ‘self-interested,’ which is not really necessary once that I realize I have simply moved on from that phase in my life and my interests and aim in life have veered substantially from how I used to think 10 years ago, which I am of course grateful to myself for as well and for all the past moments that led to this realization.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my dissatisfaction with my past choices upon every other artwork or artist I see and get to know of by judging their work and activity in all possible ways wherein I diminish it to being ‘pointless’ and ‘useless’ and taking this as a ‘fact,’ without realizing that all of these were only self-judgments that I have created around ‘art’ based on my own judgments toward myself and my past.

Therefore I commit myself to stop wanting to impose my idea of what ‘art should be’ upon others’ creations and simply redefine the word for myself to live as the actual creator of my life within the principles that I have established for myself of self-responsibility, self-introspection, self-forgiveness and self-correction as I see that this is what I have realized is the genuine way to do what I always aimed doing through art, which is changing myself and so with that, changing the world – therefore I hereby let go of the desire to ‘change the world’ through art  or attempt to make of art that ‘one point that changes the world’ which is also not ‘the point’ here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a human being desire to do something ‘more than myself’ through objects, experiences, artifacts outside of myself and now judging art for what I believe or assume ‘artists’ are aiming to do, which is another judgment coming from what I used to do with art itself, instead of realizing that art can be used as a bridge for self-investigation, yet it is not ‘the change’ in itself at a massive level that I wished it to be at some point, as I realize that self-change and self-realization cannot in any way be something done through only one action, one object, one image and have an effect ‘en masse’ – there are no magic tricks on this.

 

I commit myself to stop judging art, artists, art collectors, art supporters and everyone that enjoys art and instead see ‘art’ within the realm of any other human activity that we do at the moment which means that everything we are and do is yet to be walked through a process of self-realization and self-correction, which means there cannot be something that is genuinely ‘supportive’ if there is no foundation to understand such support or what would be supportive to ‘change oneself’ or ‘change the world’  – thus I am the one that has to stop seeing art through the eyes of ‘practical change’ and/or ‘practical relevance for self-change’ wherein I then create a righteousness to create ‘negative’ judgments toward it, which is once again falling in the judgmental trap that leads nowhere and in fact then I would support the continuation of separation, reactions, judgments and division in the world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that because I studied art, I have ‘an authority’ to bash it which is really only playing the same critique conundrum that I have also criticized in the past, instead of seeing art or anything else as just expressions that each one of us will have to take self-responsibility for, for the intent, the purpose and the experience within which it was created – thus, I am no one to judge anyone or anything for what it is, I can only reflect myself upon the world and thus take responsibility for my judgments, my experiences, my expressions ‘toward others’ and always realize it has nothing to do with art per se, with artists or with the artworks themselves, but with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still have wanted to control ‘my vision’ about art and so be able to ‘measure all other art’ according to what I had defined as ‘art,’ not realizing that this definition of ‘art’ is not even certain for people in art creation themselves. So, this is once again a point to show how when trying to ‘fit in’ one’s definition upon something/someone, because  each definition is created in one’s mind, it will always be a source of conflict to try and define something that in its nature is not meant to even be ‘defined’ as such, thus I see that my point of control was coming also from self-interest and still wanting to somehow remain with the dignity of having studied something ‘meaningful’ or ‘more than’ any other career, which would then lead me to play a value game that is once again of the mind and of consciousness definitions.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still go and see art in the hope that I will find something that is ‘life changing’ which is why every time I obviously come out without ‘anything’ or ‘nothing learned’ because I am seeing it all through the eyes of ‘come on, art exhibit, change me, change my life!’ which is impossible of course, it would be like thinking that praying to the image of a god or a saint will change your life, which is simply a delusion.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having ever been fascinated with creations because I have now judged this as ‘vain’ instead of realizing that just as anything that we create in this world, we can appreciate it for what it is in its physicality and no longer having the ‘artistic value-frame’ with which I was trying to measure it against, as this is once again trying to control and impose my own perspectives and experiences toward ‘art’ itself upon others’ creations. It would be like trying to define which human being is more ‘beautiful’ than another or which tree is ‘more expressive’ than another – it is really pointless and a waste of breaths to be dwelling upon this kind of questions, because ultimately if there’s something in art is that precisely this whole ‘valuation’ scheme is meant to be broken or questioned at least.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged this point as ‘petty’ or ‘non important’ or there being more ‘relevant things to blog about’ but, I realize that due to the actual judgmental view that emerged within me while watching Marina Abramović’s documentary and when getting to know of artists gathering to create something around people that have disappeared through political reasons, it was then a point to of course review and open up within myself so that I can align this one point within me and my day to day living and so stop the judgmental me toward art or artists as a constant source of conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have some ‘right’ to judge something because of having ‘studied’ it, which is essentially a belief learned from how our system operates with licenses and such, without realizing that a judgment will always be a judgment specifically when it’s made in an attempt to debase or ‘debunk’ something as to ‘make it less’ in a way, wherein then my judgment becomes in my mind something ‘superior’ to point out.

 

In this the application is actually to ensure that I can investigate all things and keep what’s best, instead of investigating all things, judge and criticize with an attempt to ‘debase’ something and then place my judgment as ‘superior’ which is obviously a destructive and consequential way of looking at things.

I realize that I can use anything and anyone in my world as a mirror, and in this, whichever I may think, believe and perceive relates to ‘another’ is in fact about myself, because I can only think/judge something about someone  if I have judged myself in the same way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I was in fact desiring to ‘take a position’ or ‘take a side’ in relation to art because of the self-definition I have created within and towards ‘art’ which is how one then creates a sense of ‘righteousness’ as in having ‘one stance’ in relation to it, which is all knowledge and information based, it is not at all considering what is common sensical or looking at what’s supportive within something – but instead, immediately putting on the ‘judgmental glasses’ and ‘finding fault’ eyes going into ‘attack’ mode to point out all the ‘flaws’ but all of these flaws are pointed out within the starting point of me already seeking to ‘debunk’ another, which is quite the usual nasty game that we play when we want to impose our own mind/righteousness, what we believe is ‘right’ above others.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to question the ‘impulse’ that I sometimes have in relation to wanting to talk about something/someone in an attempt to ‘debunk’ them while still holding a judgment with experience in it as to ‘prove it wrong’ – instead of realizing that I can talk about something/someone without having to resort to taking an antagonist stance toward it, but simply be able to reference it, to look at it in common sense and then  focus on reflecting any judgment back to myself, that’s the only way one can really develop self-honesty, and stop only criticizing things for the sake of feeling ‘righteous’ about something or someone and so justify my experience toward something or someone, in this case, my ‘experience’ toward art which shouldn’t exist at all as an experience.

In this it is to realize that any experience that I have toward something/someone, it indicates I have created a relationship to it, and so it becomes a point for me to take self-responsibility for which means: it’s never about ‘art’ itself, it’s about how I see it, who I am toward it and this is then a much more supportive starting point to look at art and visit art galleries, to see ‘what comes up within me,’ instead of visiting and looking at art from the starting point of ‘proving it wrong’ or wanting it to ‘match my ideal’ of art, which is why all this back and forth friction toward it emerged: it’s all an inside job.

 

I realize that ourselves as human beings tend to seek for answers or ‘find ourselves’ ‘out there’ instead of realizing that everything we require is already here, as ourselves. So in this, I commit myself to stop judging anything that we do/use in order to get to this point of self-realization, wherein I see that art can be used as a tool of self-reflection as with anything else in the world and what we create and do within it. This is where I then have to realize that my process and realizations cannot be the same as others’ and so, I have no authority to judge others’ processes, ideas, beliefs and perceptions – this process is about self-responsibility so here I then commit myself to always see art as a cool point of self-reflection wherein I stop all judgments ‘toward’ art or artists themselves, but rather see ‘who am I’ toward it and use that for my own process of self-honesty.

 

I commit myself to integrate the realization that everything that I judge or criticize in a judgmental manner is and only has to do with myself and the relationships I have created toward something/someone in my past, and so I can only look at things/people objectively where I can first identify if there is any reaction, take it back to self wherein I see the origin of such judgment toward it, do a self-reflective analysis on it in order to support me in common sense to immediately realize: I am imposing my past definitions upon this moment here –  and so I then focus on seeing, watching, reading and participating in anything related to art for what it is – no hidden agendas allowed within me.

 

For a review on the documentary:

 

What life can be

 

 

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273. Honoring Life and our Creative Force in Equality

When looking at what we have learned to express as and dedicated our lives to as humanity, it’s not been to honor each other as equals, we didn’t learn from our parents or at school how to do that – we instead learned how to compete, how to win, how to ‘do whatever it takes’ to become number one and feel proud about it. We never learned how to direct our every breath and every moment consideration to nurture ourselves, to become better living beings, to learn from others, to support others to strengthen ourselves and themselves, to cooperate and realize the true harmony that can create in this world. Unfortunately, we have only learned the opposite: to only care for ourselves, our loved ones, to respect authorities that abuse the majorities, to vote for that which will ensure My security and satisfaction while neglecting those that will be affected by such measures, to deposit our time and workforce to maintain a system wherein no one is living ‘happily ever after’ yet still believe that such thing is possible.

 

Continuing from:

Our civilization is like a fractal from the perspective that we can take any part of it, anywhere in the world, study the patterns as the forces involved in creating the patterns that such part/piece of reality is presenting and we will be able to realize the limitations, the abuse, the suffering, the negligence, the harm and also all the benefits and good living conditions generated through the use and abuse of such resources/space/people/living beings.

When I began writing about this point within looking at sacred art the same points exist: we learn to revere to a reality according to the pictures that we are then taught to venerate, to obey and we get certain belief systems imprinted wherein we are able to justify such abuses – like no one questions why people are still living in shacks made of cardboard and aluminum sheets in certain peripheral areas of our ‘great cities’ but billions are invested in freeways, constructions of the greatest quality, multi-billion projects for malls and other centers that ensure more money will be obtained through such investment – but, what kind of ‘profit’ can one make from building proper houses for people? If you are the company that builds such houses, you can earn great profit with the right connections, however the materials of such houses are most likely flimsy and of the lowest quality, why? Because we haven’t learned how to honor each other as equals and we give to another that which will cost us the least so we can earn the most. Haiti is still struggling to recover after 3 years of the Earthquake and the world keeps turning without any substantial support being given to people that have no basic sanitation/ toilettes/ running water and sewage which in itself is currently the cause of the cholera outbreaks that are becoming a chronic situation there.

It is impossible to not look at my comfortable position and ponder how on Earth one can feel ‘happy’ in this world while billions of people that are equals in essence to myself are going through hell every single day. And all of this is because we have learned to honor money and not life. We have learned to trust invisible gods to make a change instead of us taking the responsibility for our creation; we have learned to rather applaud the great civilized world of wonders, luxury, opulence and ‘divinity’ while turning a deliberate blind eye to the reality that we are neglecting in order to ensure that we ‘keep on dreaming’ and never look at the other side.

 

The point here is to realize one thing: in the end, everything that we are currently securing our lives with is a make believe system that is no longer sustainable, just as the gods and religions that are slowly but surely coming to pass as more young people realize the fallacy that it is to venerate gods and money that is destroying the Earth, and it’s not a power that god and money have in themselves, it is the way we are currently using Money which is the problem. And currently our lives are revealing their ‘real dark side’ in order for us to realize that we have really fucked up. We cannot continue venerating gods and money that is deliberately becoming the most lethal drug that we are all consuming on a daily basis, and we have to understand that such lethal drug is the mind and who we are as the mind is the one that has accepted and allowed any form of power in separation of ourselves, any form of symbol as ‘more’ than ourselves and any creative force place at the service of forging these very same symbols and structures determined to implant belief systems that have ruled humanity from the very beginning of our civilization.

This is also in conjunction when looking at human history, all continents and their prehistoric times wherein all that remains is all the archeological residues of civilizations and all the representations and ‘great works’ that were mostly dedicated to create this ‘divine’ idea of the human being, adoring gods and forces of nature outside of themselves, learning to consider the ‘greatest forces’ in this world as ‘bigger’ and ‘more powerful’ than ourselves, and in this abdicating all sense of reality when it comes to really looking at what it is that we are praying for/ venerating/ building, what type of values, what are we really creating a sense of respect for, what are we placing on pedestals and as such, also looking at everything that we are mostly neglecting and brushing aside as all our ‘backchat’ and secret mind transformed into the ‘ugliness’ of the world that we constantly feel the need to ‘spice up’ – it is unsustainable now to hide behind gods and good spirits since even drugs and alcohol are turning the ‘party’ into a nightmare and horror screening in real-time.

 

Within all of this it is just a reflection of everything that I could realize just by observing some ‘marvels’ of sacred art and the history that exists before us as humanity, and the thing is that throughout all of this time there has been no equal and one consideration of who we are as living beings toward each other. Proof of that is that we rather employed our work force to create gods and ‘precious items’ to make ourselves ‘more worthy’ than developing any form of Self-Honesty and consideration of what is best for every single living being in this world. There was non, and the fact that many people are Still venerating any god – either money or religious god – generates the point of abuse necessary to maintain this current system in place. Yes, you read properly: abuse required to maintain this current system in place.

 

In the Equal Money Capitalism we will practice the law of placing our creative forces at the service of Life itself, learning how to honor ourselves as each and every single cell that we have taken for granted, we will learn how to understand that no system can be a ‘living environment’ without ensuring that every single being is equally supported to have the necessary means and services/ resources to Live in dignity – because we will stop living as viruses within a system outdoing each other and being subsumed in mind-battles against each other, we will instead learn how to become the beings that we all desired to become, but ended up veering such twisted self idea toward a relationship of competition, dishonor and abuse because that’s currently the only way only a few can ‘win’ in the game.

The creations that will originate from such self-stability and real harmony will have nothing to do with artifacts that represent symbols of ‘moreness’ as the depiction of our personal deliriums within the beliefs of gods/ money/ power, we will instead learn how to put our creative efforts to create sustainable environments that finally consider the life that has been used/abused to currently maintain our deceptive self-images and money systems. A real honor toward oneself and each other will emerge and the expression of ourselves will be a one and equal reflection of that – that’s definitely an art/creativity that one can ‘look forward’ to – however such decision to do this must not be placed in a ‘long term future projection,’ and instead realize that we have to become it ourselves, today, by making a decision in every moment to be of life and not of the mind of gods, moneys and ‘power systems’ that have only served to abuse life.

That is certainly the purest breath of life that we can give to ourselves, to purify ourselves, to support and direct our every single cell to ensure our lives are honored at last and we burn down to ashes everything that was never meant to do just that.

 

So, this is a rebirth for Self-Expression, to never again idolize gods and money and instead learn how to honor our every single cell that enables us to breathe and exist and as such, direct our every day and existence to for once and for all implement a world system that will ensure no one/ no-thing  is ever again used as energy and work force to sustain/maintain beliefs systems of abuse such as religions and the monetary system that only benefits some. From this starting point of standing one and equal to every single part/particle in our reality, we can be sure that whatever we express/manifest from this living-statement of who we are as Life in Equality, we will learn what actual Self Expression is, which won’t be based on beauty and all these wonderful stories of divine powers and great victories,  but a real extension of a stability, a certainty, an honoring of ourselves as that which we are committing ourselves to live by and express as.

The meaning and purpose of life, is at all times Life in itself – hence we first learn how to Live: we create a world system that lays the foundation to enable such living expression @ www.equalmoney.org

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271. Sacred Art: the Key to Understanding Reality

 

When I studied visual arts, one goes through the art history and sees how Art had gotten to a point of ‘divine activity’ at the time when the church essentially became this powerful entity within society that could afford to pay for all the works that all our ‘great artists’ have created and as such artists became equally important along with the meaning/ purpose of such creations, which in this case as we can all see and witness, had to do with sacred art: venerating gods that never existed but in the minds of the human beings that realized they could make profit out of such belief systems.

 

“Interestingly enough, where these ‘Love and Lighters’ should have Transcended this Message and Brought-about Practical Changes in the Physical Reality – they Create an Alternate Reality, and start to Claim and Impose that the Alternate Reality is the ‘Real Reality’, and that the Real Reality is the Illusion. And then End-up Escaping from this Constant-Message, making ‘The Best of What is Here’ and bringing about No Change in spite of Astounding Evidence to the Effect that the Physical World is Real like for instance, Pain, Starvation, Sex, Food, Waste – you name it, there’s So Many Examples that Each One is Subject to that Proves that the Physical is Real and that the Mind Illusion through which One Escape from this Reality, is Not.” – Bernard Poolman*

 

I went to some museums yesterday with a family member that had no access to such ‘exuberant expressions’ of the baroque colonial art that exists in the city I was born in, even though he lives in the same country. To me, these expressions were the ‘default’ type of stuff to look at in the streets where you can this type of architecture everywhere downtown, along with these exuberant churches everywhere completely filled with gold inside and the most majestic type of constructions and sacred art that is revered by all people coming from all over the world to witness what type of ‘greatness’ and ‘beauty’ this is supposed to mean/be.

 

As I was going through these collections of ‘sacred art,’ I realized to what extent this was all a proof of how we have never praised an actual godliness as an actual consideration of LIFE in Equality, but only have revered and deified the sense of value/worth that we have adjudicated to things that are part of this Earth just as anything else – like gold and gods or gold as god- we have all of these objects with gold and we’re all supposed to be impressed by that just because ‘It’s made of gold. I mean, look back within your life-experience when was it that you learned to treat gold as if it was this ‘precious thing’? And as such from that moment on, we learned that having gold in ourselves as jewelry, artifacts, coins or as part of your ‘wealth’ was something that gave you a ‘moreness’ within your personal wealth/money and ‘ownership right’ that gives you a certain status in society – or you maybe were not aware of this all and had no sense of wealth because gold was never around and only found out about it later on in the money-system.

 

Now, link this gold with representations of Jesus/ Saints/ Crosses and all things that have been prostituted to be sold as part of ‘sacred art’ and what do you get? The most ‘exquisite’ and ‘valuable’ items in the art world – why? Have a look at  your great museums, it is only from a century and a half ago that art stopped being linked to a religious association to become more of a supposed ‘self expression,’ and even that has currently once again been diminished to the ‘market forces’ – our other god which is Money -that are also currently determining what type of Art we can consider as ‘masterpieces’ which is usually a meaning of what’s worth buying/selling and what’s not.

 

Well, as I watched these bleeding Jesus’ representations wearing crowns of gold I could not help but laugh at the blatant abuse and stupidity that we have come to cage in these glass containers as ‘sacred objects’ and museum-type of items to admire. Sure, it’s got a whole lot of work in it, but let’s face it: they got to such museum-relic type of status because of:

1. The value we have all agreed to give to gold as this supreme metal godly power = money

2. The representation of Jesus on the Cross/ Jesus Bleeding/ Self-Flagellating Monks and Saints/ Crying Virgins in repent-mode as something ‘sacred’ and ‘godly’ while elevating such ‘sinning’ expressions to something ‘cool’ to have around your “living room” in the 18th century.

 

What a nice way to elevate god/religion to this ‘godly status’ by linking gold/silver to sacred objects, isn’t it?

Now, we can apply the same two points above to virtually everything that we are currently buying/selling in our world. There is always the ‘meaning’ that we give to things – which deals with how we have defined things in our reality, how we value them, how we define ourselves according to that which we buy/ consume/ own and then there’s the ‘market value’ which is the price/money that one has to give in order to buy such thing and trivializing it all according to belief systems, to perceptions and ideals of what we ‘think’ and have become so used to valuing as ‘superior’ or ‘more’ than ourselves, such as the idea of a god in this case and some expression that is shaped/molded to suit the needs of some people to have these objects to satisfy a particular reality-construct of ‘superiority,’ such as what god/religion has become. And in the city where I lived in all my life, that is the ‘platform’ upon which you walk in every moment in the old-side of the city– it is the ‘city of angels’ and just by looking at the art created from the 18th century up to the past century, you can get quite a clear perspective of what has Shaped and Molded the people here, which is a religion wherein the imposition of symbols that denote suffering, that one has created a relationship of ‘guilt’ toward and ‘remorse’ have been ‘spiffed up’ to be made by slaves that dealt with ways to shape gold, silver, ivory, ‘precious metals’ and woods and stones to elevate Christianity/Catholicism to a capitalist-golden status upon this world-system.

 

So, in looking at this type of ‘sacred art’ one can see a very interesting configuration of what we have come to value: a bleeding ivory representation of some human carrying an ebony cross with incrustations of jade, ‘beautifully’ shaped  – all these paintings of saints with suffering faces, all these representations of Jesus wearing golden robes and gold-crowns ‘in heaven’ I mean, really? Do You think that Jesus had anything to do with implementing this narcissistic self-marketing image of himself with such vain attributions to a single metal like ‘gold’ signifying the ‘godly’ in him? No, in the first place he didn’t ever even want to be summoned as some type of higher force on Earth, everyone got it wrong, and all of this museum-type of artworks are the result of slaves that are only recognized as ‘anonymous’ in the creation of such ‘sacred works for the lord,’ a lord that only exists in the well-kept treasury of what has become one of the most wealthiest states on earth as the Vatican. Really, I have become so used to seeing people that can have an empty stomach and shoe-less entering these opulent baroque filled with gold rock constructions to pray for them to have some money to eat… what’s wrong with this picture!? And this is seen as ‘Devotion’?  Come on, give me a freaking break.

 

Expression of any form/kind must be an actual representation of who we are as living beings, which implies that no more gods/deities will be shaped with matters of the Earth that we are abusing to create this ‘pile of shit’ as our current world of ‘marvels’ while kids starve. Instead we will always use what is here in order to enjoy ourselves within the process of creating something that we can appreciate as an extension/expression of someone’s moment/time in their lives, and I mean, if there is something I appreciate in my reality is exchanging works of art for no money but the sheer appreciation we have for each other’s works – that’s what actually should matter: making of expression an available activity for all beings equally as we are all human beings, we can all develop skills that can be shared with others, just the same way that we share our words here or in videos or communicating with each other – we do not ‘sell’ our coffee-shop talks wherein we share with one another ourselves, so why have we created this world in a way wherein we have elevated what is of this Earth to a godly/golden status for profit? That’s because of Self-Interest and the belief that we could be gods/more than others through our money and ownership power –

 

All of this will all be regulated and implemented in the Equal Money Capitalism in order to Finally place a nice Stop to all of our godly delusions and instead, learn how to Live/Coexist and really Thrive within the realization that there is no such thing as god, there is no such thing as ‘higher powers’ endowed to a metal like gold or any other holy-belief endowed to human expression, it is ourselves, our work, our creativity that which should be regarded as honorable and the real capital in this reality, just as Joseph Beuys said: “Art = Capital, Creativity = Capital”  and Capital = Life as we say – full circle.

 

Further Support:

 

There are more threads to this type of ‘sacred art’ and I’ll continue talking about that

Vlog:

Blogs:

 

To understand to what level we have prostituted Jesus and his message:


75. Bursting Dreams to Live Reality

 

How many times have we made decisions in our lives based on what ‘others think’ of ourselves, what we are ‘good at’ and what we should do? In my experience, I took other’s opinions as validations to my own beliefs and ideals, eventually only making decisions once I had gathered enough ‘confirmations’/ validations to my own desires, wherein within the Art point itself, what others said about me and ‘my artwork’ mattered enough to make myself confident about making a decision in life to study art. This implies that I really only allowed myself to be driven by other’s opinions about myself and what I wanted to do, but never fully only considering myself and taking into consideration all consequential outflows from this decision in practical terms: how am I going to live, how can I practically direct myself within this career, what are the odds to ‘hit the jackpot’ in the artworld? To place it shortly: I had fallen in love with art and I made a decision based on this attraction to it, trying to equate myself to that expression through believing that I could ‘make it’ – and the point here is not to digress if I am capable or not, but the starting point of the decisions in my life based on having others’ ‘backup’ for me, just because of not being confident enough to make my own decisions and be self responsible about them.

 

Dreams of fame and fortune

So, here we go with a specific event wherein I was in an art gallery with 2 people – friend and ex-partner – and how the conversations that we would have while staring at other’s works would fuel my ego and my decisions to think that ‘this is it’ and in that, build the idea of myself as ‘an artist’ based on opinions, judgments and my own daydreaming which would happen as I was listening to them and staring at other artists’ works.

The following is an actual picture of that moment wherein I was daydreaming about the stuff that I’ll disclose here:

marlena 2006

 

 

Self Forgiveness Statements

Pattern: Making decisions based on what others think – Not being confident enough to support me in common sense to make my own decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always had waited for other’s opinions and judgments upon myself and ‘what I should do with my life’ in order to make sure that I was making the ‘right choices,’ without realizing that everything that others could point out would be based already on the idea, belief and self-creation process of ‘who I want to be’ – which implies that all the confirmations I would get from others toward myself and my desire to study art, would stem from the same complacency that is played out in relationships, wherein we support each other’s decision without really supporting another to take into consideration that which is practical and best for all –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever project blame onto others for having supported ‘my mind fuck’ when in fact, it was only me-myself that created such mindfuck in the first place, which implies that my desire to get confirmation/ validation upon my choice in life was only stemming from a desire to make myself ‘sure’ as ‘who I am’ as the ego that I was busy building as ‘an artist,’ which means that even if someone could digress from my decision, I would still have taken the road to study art, because I was only looking for the ego-validation as the decision I had already made, but only sought to be ‘sure of’ to give myself more confidence to actually make the decision to change my career and study visual arts.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to step into a gallery with a predisposition to compare ‘what I do’ and ‘what I would imagine myself doing’ from the get go, wherein every time that I go to an art gallery, I access the immediate profile of ‘me being an artist’ and comparing myself to what I’m looking at – (read further in the entry Looking at Art–what is going on up there?)

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to future project myself with having ‘my artwork’ on such gallery walls and delving into the imagination of what my friend suggested as in ‘imagining my works hanging on those walls someday’ – wherein I allowed myself to simply dream about it and never really consider the actual steps and work required to get there, as well as the starting point of such daydreaming desire being a yearning to be famous, to be recognized and to be ‘praised’ just like any other artist.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to what others had to say in that moment wherein they assured ‘you’ll be a great artist someday’ – which links to what my parents would say, becoming proud of me having to be this ‘great professional’ in whatever career I would choose, just because of the reputation I had built around myself as a ‘good student’ and being ‘good at everything I would do’ – which became like foam to elevate myself and my ego, without really taking into consideration the physical, practical reality of my decisions to get myself to such position.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get confidence within my ‘living choices’ to be and become an artist based on the props for my ego I would get from others in that moment wherein I would then delve into imagining my ‘solo show,’ believing that I could someday just get there by the magical wand of my own talents, which is basically daydreaming and using a desire as a way to make decision in life based on ‘what I wanted to be’ as a preference and infatuation, but never really considering the practicality of my decision in a world wherein Money must be made on a constant basis to live and survive.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fully delve into the desire and experience of imagining myself being an ‘important artist’ and famous, well known wherein this desire for fame and fortune stood as ‘my dream to come true’ that I thought I could attain by deciding to study arts and simply ‘get it’ because ‘I was so good at it,’ which proves how we can take other’s opinions and judgments as a way to validate our own self-belief in means of ‘fulfillment’ based on separation from self.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to already feel ‘special’ and ‘important’ whenever others would compare the works in that gallery to what I do and judging it as ‘less than’ what I do, which is how through comparing works by subjective opinions/ judgments, I came to build up my self-belief as being in fact ‘better’ than others and having ‘all that is required’ to be a great artist based on opinions/ judgments and my own desire to be special, which I used to validate my desire to be and become an artist.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into my ego-mode and actually voice out that ‘yes, the artworld needs some ‘Marlen’ in it’ as a way to validate that I was in fact ‘better’ than others as a way to make myself feel like I was already a ‘true artist’ because others could recognize it as well –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, from these moments, feel More secure to make the decision to go to art school, because of what my friends would say about ‘my art,’ and deeming them as great judgments because they are ‘cultured people’ and ‘well read’ which meant that their opinions/ judgments were ‘valid’ in my mind-scheme of values, wherein if someone else had said, it would not have mattered that much – but because they ‘knew of art’ and would be validating my stuff = I felt like such validations were Real and ‘truth’ and ‘meaningful’ for me to take them into consideration and think that I should then be ‘really’ good at it

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at works of art with a critical eye, wherein I am not here as myself breathing and embracing other’s expression as self, but immediately compare myself and what I do to ‘what others do,’ accessing the value-mode of seeing myself as better/ worse than other’s works, which is unacceptable because when existing in superiority, I would feel ‘good’ about my work- and when seeing myself as less/ worse than the artwork on the wall, I’d go into depression and self-deprecation.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take pride on what I do as ‘my art’ and whenever I compare it as being ‘better than’ others’ works of art in specific galleries, building up this sense of trust and confidence which is not Self-Confidence and Self-Trust, but only validation of the ego through comparison, which is then nothing else but another value-game that I accepted and allowed myself to play as ‘the rules’ within the artworld.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into daydreaming, fantasizing about myself being the one having that show in that art gallery, being proudly recognized and praised in my home town, going far away into me traveling around the world with my works – wherein I used this daydreaming to fuel the ‘artist’ personality, beginning to believe myself to be better than others and be special, which is how I initiated my career and taking pride based on others’ judgments toward my work.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I only had to get myself a license to ‘be an artist’ to be validated in the artworld, which is how I saw everything as ‘very simple’ to do without really taking into consideration all aspects and dimensions of my decision, but simply making a decision based on my daydreaming, others’ opinions upon what I do and using that as a validation to be and become ‘an artist.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be driven by my desires to be famous wherein ‘going to New York’ to one day exhibit my work became like this Mecca for me, wherein I associated being able to one day present my work there as the ultimate lifetime achievement, believing that I could only be ‘fulfilled’ and consider myself as ‘successful’ if I could get to that place one day as a ‘consummated artist,’ not realizing that I was in fact just following my dreams and not really giving a fuck about the world, the actual system that we live in but falling into the trap of seeking my own desires and dreams while having only the ‘intention’ to do some ‘good for the world’ only once that I could get to such position, which is absolutely what any other charity works like: only giving a little of the ‘greatness’ achieved as money as fame/ fortune for the ‘have nots’ and feel better about myself within such future projection as in: following my dreams BUT also supporting the ‘poor ones.’ Which is absolutely, unacceptable – and

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access shame of myself as how I existed back then, because of the world system, this entire reality never having been a part of my plans and decisions in life, but only following what everyone else was busy doing: seeking to be successful in any ‘field’ of reality that they wanted to develop themselves in, just for the sake of personal interest/ personal development wherein an actual point of Self-Responsibility toward the world was Never considered as part of the plans, which is how I allow myself to let go of the regret that I’ve been holding on to with regards to this choice I made in my life based on my own desires, wants, needs and delusional dreams of grandeur that I actually followed until everything was clear enough for me: I had brainwashed myself and others to support my decision based on self-interest and the ego-praise that everyone in society supports – whereas when one stops following such ‘dream,’ one is seen as ‘not successful’ simply because the specialness and perpetuation of the ego is not ‘here’ any longer, which is placing a stop to the system of career-choices to enhance egos/ keeping the system in place, as I realize that standing for life in equality is not better or worse than, it’s just a life-decision to take self-responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to daydream about ‘elite people’ bowing down to my work which only gave me a sensation of power over those that I would perceive as ‘more powerful’ than me, due to all the money they have, which I took as a challenge to walk through, because of all the previous judgments I had held toward ‘the elite’ people and the artworld itself, wanting to prove to others that I could be ‘praised by those with money’ and in that, building a fortress around myself as my own ego.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make a decision about me being ‘sure enough’ to be an artist after all the daydreaming/ future projection with backchat in my mind, seeing myself as ‘totally making it’ according to what others would say about me/ my work as well, which made me confident enough to propose this to my parents and let them know that ‘art was my REAL profession, and that I had to be/ become an artist no matter what.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had a ‘true passion to create,’ without realizing that I was simply using the same lingo charged with feelings of grandeur toward art/ art creation and that I used this as a tool to convince myself, others and my parents specifically to support my decision to study art, letting them know that ‘I cannot envision myself doing anything else in this world other than art,’ which is a great fallacy and self manipulation to only follow my dreams of superiority, fame, fortune, money, recognition and grandeur that I sought.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to convince myself to make life-decisions based on the desires stemming from myself as my ego, stemming from myself as the acceptance of a desire as a separation of who I am as one and equal wherein art became this ‘idolized’ field of reality that I wanted to be a part of, just because of how I programmed myself to see it as an elevated and ‘evolved’ human activity, how I deemed it as something special, a ‘divine gift’ to see the world in a ‘different way,’ and within this justifying that I had to drop out of literature and change my plans in life, following the ‘big jackpot’ in the artworld.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself in the moment of doubting my decision by using a point of comparison to what I was studying then and saying ‘I cannot see myself remaining studying literature’ – which became a way to simply manipulate myself further into believing I was making the ‘best decision ever’ now that I had gathered others’ perspectives upon who I am and my own life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the belief of ‘my thing is to create’ as an actual self-manipulation that I’d play out in order to talk-myself-into believing that I could only become an artist, I could ‘only’ be satisfied following these dreams, which became also a fear within me when going into the opposite point of ‘not making it’ and fearing the failure of myself within it – yet deliberately shoving such fear away because of the extent of the ‘positive validations’ I got from others and myself included to believe that: there was No way I could fail in this…

I realize how limited it is for us to only have to decide ‘who/ what we are’ as only  a profession, instead of living the expansion of who and what we are as one and equals and in that, realizing that no matter what we do, as long as we are taking the whole into consideration: we will stand by the decision we take as life supports life and there is no ‘wrong decision’ within doing what’s best for all.

 

Ideal Future

Ideal Future 2003  (she still looked clueless and worried lol)

 

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself making decisions based on other’s opinions about ‘what I am good at’ wherein only a self-belief as personality is considered, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I must direct myself in a way wherein Who I Am is no longer bound to a preference, a desire, an ideal of myself in my life but instead decide to direct my life in a way that I can ensure that the choice that I make will be in support of myself and all equally, taking a position in my world wherein I can actually dedicate my life to Life itself, supporting myself and others, which implies that I must establish my own equality and oneness so that there are no more desires existent within me to ‘fulfill’ in separation of what’s best for all, but I ensure that I walk the decision to dedicate myself to life, and within this, whatever decision I take on in any particular field, the starting point of it will be very clear: life in equality as myself in all ways.

 

When and as I see myself doubting my own choice, I realize that in such allowance of becoming the doubt, I am diminishing myself to uncertainty that is existent only when a conflict of interests exists within me – which implies that I must clarify for myself first where such doubt stems from – what am I trying to protect? What and who am I manipulating to impose ‘my way’ as ‘my choice,’ instead of considering at all times what is best for all life – within this, I realize that any friction and conflict emerging from a decision based on common sense, must be specifically scrutinized to see where I am creating such conflict from self-interest, desires, wants and needs that I realize are always in the way of the consideration of what’s best for all life.

 

When and as I see myself resorting to the memory of myself as ‘an artist’ to create an idea of not being ‘satisfied’ with my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that such idea of self was created from the starting point of everything that I allowed myself to be only as my mind, which implies that ‘who I am’ here as a common sensical being will no longer be bound to a preference, an ideal or desire of ‘who I want to be,’ but instead realize that I am already here, walking the living decision to support myself as life, and within that, seeing that no ‘dream’ can ever be an actual self-directed decision as dreams are always only based on what the mind places in our ‘heads’ to continue existing in the limitation of personality, ego/ preference – thus, I ‘remind’ myself that This process implies letting go of my personal interests in the name of ALL as Equals wherein there is no need to only be ‘one single thing’ and diminishing myself to one single point, but instead, learn to expand myself in a way that I can verify I am in fact supporting myself and others, which will imply at all times the consideration of life in Equality and never more just a ‘career’ or ‘profession’ based on likes and dislikes and personal dreams.

 

When and as I see myself going into the hypothetical daydreaming activity of ‘who I could have been if I have ‘given it all’ to my career’ – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have bound myself to such dreams and idealizations of my life based on the accumulation of desires linked to people’s opinions about myself, my work/ my life, and that in no way I ever considered life in equality in such equation of ‘career choice’ – thus I see that everything that I have to ‘let go of’ was never in fact ‘real’ as myself, as it was only based on preferences and future projections that I in no way walked in an equal-and-one consideration of myself as life and all. Thus, I let go of the dream for the illusion that it always was.

 

When and as I see myself daydreaming about ‘all that could have been’ in relation to myself and the art career, I realize that such dreams were stemming from my desires to be famous, recognized and ‘praised’ as an ego that was formed when listening to others and my own backchat about myself being ‘special’ and ‘unique,’ which is the most basic form of ego-driven decisions that exist, therefore I realize that in order to walk my decision to life/ to live, I can no longer hold any dream as valuable within my decision. Once that I have made the decision to live, I ensure that any temptation as a daydreaming moment is an indication that I am not wanting to face a particular living-decision that requires my attention and focus to not deviate from the position of Self-Responsibility that I have decided to walk, thus I breathe and bring here the point that is leading me to ‘desire escaping = desire my daydreams’ due to how I had connected my career to a way to be evasive toward and of the world itself.

 

When and as I see myself basing people’s opinions and judgments upon myself/ the world based on the idea/ belief and perception that I have of them as ‘well-cultured’ / knowledgeable/ intelligent beings, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me just perpetuating the same system of values that are in fact abusive toward the world system, maintaining specialness and hierarchies over the realization of life in equality. I stop wanting to remain within a special ‘group of people’ that can be considered as ‘well cultured/ knowledgeable/ intellectual’ as the people I used to hang out with and have relationships toward, as I see that none that has ever contributed to a world in Equality, nor is there any Real care and consideration to doing something that will create a real change in life, and our world. Thus I let go of the dream for the fallacy that it always was and the judgments/ opinions from others that it was backed up with.

 

When and as I see myself fearing not fulfilling the ideas/ beliefs and perceptions others had about me and my life/ future within the belief that I would get to be someone ‘great’ and ‘extraordinary,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that all those expectations were only a heavy load for me to remain as the ‘ever perfection’ idea of myself that was backed up by people around me, wherein I then created this great expectation upon myself, falling into a disillusionment and even self-belittlement the moment that such high-expectations were not able to be fulfilled. Which is how and why I can now see that none of that was ever of any value as Life and what’s best for all was in no way considered in such plans as ‘my life’ and ‘who I want to be,’ – thus I let go of the dreams for the fallacies that they are and entail.

 

When and as I see myself going back to the pattern of ‘wanting to create only’ I realize that this is mostly an evasive pattern that I used to seclude myself, forget about the world and everyone and essentially fuel my self-obsessions and desires without any common sense direction to my life and ‘who I am’

 

Thus, the realization that I get from this is that I chose a career in order to fly away from the world, not having to face myself and the ‘monetary system’ because of seeing it as ‘the bad guy’ and ‘the monster’ that wanted to only suck us dry – deciding to instead make art as a ‘noble way’ to earn money, without ever even pondering that I could support myself to be the change that I wanted to see in the world instead of finding ways to evade it and run away from it. I make sure that the decisions that I take on as my life from here on are based on what is best for all, wherein all forms of desires are seen as the limited version of myself that I thought myself to be, that I created of myself as to limit my real capacity and ability to do that which I thought was impossible: create a change in this world, and this won’t come only from me following a dream, but taking a position within the system wherein I can ensure that I am no longer controlled by desires and fears to be and become that which I will require to do and become in order to establish a world and reality wherein All can placidly decide what to do with their lives without having a need to ‘have more’ than others or ‘survive’ only, but really be supported from birth to death and in that, having a Real Choice to establish a common sensical living decision for oneself and all as equals.

 

Desteni

Desteni Forum for Self Support

Equal Money System so that All can express and live the ‘dreams’ that we are currently only able to hold as an illusion due to MONEY being the main obstacle to be able to express/ live as equals to Life.

windblows

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This is a continuation to the blogs:

 

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73. Creative Spirit: I Just want to Paint!

 

In the previous blog My Career Choice (Day 72) I described the moment that I shifted from one career to another. Here I am walking that initial moment in my life – 2003– wherein after school ended I had this desire to paint as an occupation for that summer. From the beginning of this idea my plan was: going to buy the cheapest watercolors and using recycled (used) paper to begin with my ‘little explorations’ – I had this idea of art being something expensive and that I could Not possibly afford to ‘spoil’ and ‘squander’ money in. I was a rather solitary and isolated person at that time, I had no friends to ‘hang out with’ and my resort was reading, hearing music, learning how to play the guitar and this additional point of drawing and beginning to paint, which eventually turned into a ‘safe haven’ for me to justify my desire to just be ‘left alone’ and indulge into my own little world in my room with ‘everything that I liked doing’ existed.  This became the context of me taking this ‘little experiment with painting’ into an actual ‘serious’ decision of what I want to do with my life.

 

Within this, I’ve realized how we make decisions based on ‘what we like’ and what we ‘prefer doing’ which we can already see implies there are various reasons, excuses and justifications as to why we ‘prefer’ something over other things, which usually entails by default points that we rather Never do or avoid doing at all  – and the nitty gritty details of this will be disclosed as Self-Forgiveness

 

Self Forgiveness Statements

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way that I could entertain myself and have fun was through doing something that I had deemed as a ‘superior recreational activity,’ which was painting back in 2003 as a way to be able to retreat myself into ‘learning how to paint’ by my own, as if it was a ‘naturally instigated desire’ without realizing that I had in fact talked myself into it from simple admiration of paintings and artists themselves.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go and buy the cheapest watercolors in the store and use recycled paper to start painting, because of believing that I would most likely create shitty works and I would not be able to afford spending ‘quality material’ on me, which is part of the self-limitation pattern of not giving to myself the best that I am able to give to me because of money being a limitation as a constant lock in my head to not spend money on me, but rather always save it as a means of self-security and protection for any ‘eventuality’ in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only use recycled papers in using the blank side of photocopied books for school to pain, just because of feeling too guilty about the trees that are consumed to create paper, without realizing that it is part of the same belief-system of me as the ‘ecofriendly’ person in self-interest, without actually investigating how everything that I do and consume has an effect on a global level that could be changed if money was not in the way of establishing the best possible ways to produce materials for art and any other living-aspect in our reality

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for feeling guilty when spending money on myself, because of defining this as ‘greedy’ without realizing it is actually self-manipulation wherein I would not allow myself to buy myself things within the idea that I was ‘not yet worth it’ – within this expecting me to someday be ‘pro’ in art and then be able to spend money on myself, but not yet – which is absolutely self-manipulation that became a constant in all aspects in my life when it comes to spending money on myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the materials that I used to start painting with the worth of ‘my painting skills’ themselves as being incipient and immature wherein I could simply ‘not afford’ to pay for a lot of money for me to start painting something that I could not deem as ‘worthy yet’ – within this valuing my expression according to the idea of people only earning market-value in the realm of arts after they are ‘well experienced’ in the field, wherein I diminished my initial paintings to being just ‘attempts of creations’ when comparing my expression to other artists and believing that I was not ‘good enough’ yet to make my work worthy of quality materials, which is linked to how money has defined the hierarchical values within everything that we do and how we accept such hierarchy according to skills and judgment of expression as being worth/ unworthy of spending money on something to support our expression.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could only spend money on my works once that I would be a professional on the field – which is how I justified me using the lowest quality materials to create within the belief that I was not yet ‘worthy’ of quality materials, equating quality/ expensive materials to me only being able to get those when I would get to be in fact ‘worthy’ of them, in this diminishing my incipient expression as less than and fuckups and just ‘messing around’ with painting, without realizing that this very starting point became a constant wherein I could see my works as never ‘worthy’ of any form of market value or quality and justifying it with saying that my work was not meant to be ‘of quality’ but rather focusing on the message I wanted to portray.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to extend this quality of messiness and lack of dedication to the presentation of the work itself, because of using money as an excuse that I could and would only be delicate, specific and careful with my work once that I could afford the quality materials to do so, and that in the meantime everything that I created with recycled paper and cheap watercolors was only ‘fucking around,’ which became the actual experience that remained within me and art-creation, a fucking around with no self-direction in consideration of what it would take to really perfect myself and support myself to do and present things in the best possible way that I realized I could, but it would take actual dedication and effort to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could only afford getting myself ‘quality stuff’ when being a professional, which is part of the self-belief of ‘not being worthy enough yet’ to give myself the best that I can and am able to afford to support myself and skills, which is a tendency of belittling myself according to ‘not being worthy of’ getting and receiving something that I have placed as ‘more valuable’ than myself itself, which is money and the social connotation that money has within the art world, wherein only ‘quality works’ are able to be sold for great amounts of money –therefore seeing myself always ‘on the way there’ but never taking a directive decision to make things the best possible way in a dedicated, careful, precise and clean manner, but would rather be messy and careless about presentation due to using money as an excuse and ‘not wanting to fit in’ within the realms of ‘fame and fortune’ while secretly desiring to be part of it as well, yet remaining righteous about my messiness and careless presentation as a reflection of me ‘not having enough money’ to do so, which is absolute self-manipulation and self-victimization in artwork itself to determine ‘who I am’ as a limited expression due-to and because of money. 

 

My Very first watercolor after I got from the shop 2003

My very first ‘watercolor’ after I got very excited from the shop with those watercolors  (2003)

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything that I ever really wanted to do for the rest of my life was paint, listen to music/write album reviews, read, write stories and be locked in my house with no one bothering me at all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I could write, paint, hear music, read for the rest of my life, living alone and ‘following my dreams’ wherein I could be deemed as this ‘talented person’ and ‘a true artist’ that could not afford any other distraction but always remaining creating/ being creative and expressing her tortured soul lol, which is how I came to justify my desires to escape of this world through linking escapism to ‘being creative’ and building my self-belief as ‘an artists’ as a way to actually retreat from the world and isolate myself from the rest of the world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into the belief that painting, drawing, listening to music, being secluded in my room reading and writing was all that I really wanted to do for the rest of my life, in order to justify my actual desire to not have to face the world that I had deemed as a ‘cookie monster’ that was too cruel and harsh for my ‘sensitive nature’ which I used as an excuse and validation to believe that: what I was meant to be and do was ‘art’ and that this is ALL that I can ever be, which implied a lot of self-talk into believing that I had this special features and ideas and visualizations that were revealing to me that ‘this was it’ for me, that I had to be and become an artist in either writing, painting or playing music.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my desire to become an artist was based on the people I would see on TV as musicians that were having ‘a ball’ in their lives, playing music and being ‘creative,’ while earning a lot of money which is how I linked the idea of myself becoming an artist, earning a lot of money, becoming famous and having ‘a ball’ in my life with me being an eccentric creative person as a self-definition that I built for myself and as myself through following my thoughts and talking myself into believing that I had a message to bring and that I was really talented to create and ‘make art’ as a professional career.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had so much to say and speak and do that was not able to be portrayed with words, that I used images as a way to express myself – and within this giving it this ‘specialness aura’ wherein I believed for a time that words were not ‘good enough’ to satisfy my ‘inner visions’ and desire to express, which was just another way of wanting to be special and unique and original and misunderstood, which is also part of me not wanting to be ‘like the rest of the people,’ but have something ‘outstanding’ and ‘special’ according to how I had defined myself throughout my life to be an outsider, to be not like everyone else, to be special, to see things ‘differently’ and within this fitting my entire self-definition as ‘being an artist’ because all the definitions fit with the usual artistic profiles that I would read of ‘famous people,’ and saying ‘Yes! this is what I am!’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘the world overwhelmed me’ and in this thinking and believing myself to be this sensitive person that could only portray what I would see reality like through painting, which is and was a major mind-wash lol that I used in order to build and build and build the idea of myself as ‘an artist’ as a way to ensure that I become this ‘profile’ so much that it becomes inevitable for others to comply to my decision and support my self-definition of me being a creative person and having to become an ‘artist’ for life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use music, writing, reading, playing music as way to reinforce my idea of ‘no one understands me’ / ‘I am just too much of a sensitive being for this world’/ somebody help me! Wherein all of these activities would be accompanied with depressive states, gloomy visions about human nature and our reality, which is when I started writing in a way to feed my personalities and backchat to believe that the future would hold ‘better days’ for me, allowing me to wallow in y own self-created experience in order to have something to paint, write or ‘transmit’ through music – all of it was self-talk transformed into images to support the same self-talk.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be writing about myself back then (2003) as a way to future project a moment in time when such writings would become part of my biography as being this talented artist that had such ‘profound visions and perspectives on the world,’ which means that my writing became a way to reinforce my own mindfuck and self-definition of being a ‘special being’ with ‘special visions’ upon life as a way to validate my desire to be a ‘genuine artist.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘no one understands me!’ which is one of the reasons why I secluded and isolated myself from the rest of the world and entertained myself with me only painting, writing, reading, hearing and playing music for the sake of reinforcing this idealized version of the ‘hermit artist’ that requires to be silent and in a specific ‘mood’ in order to create, which is how I came to validate myself as being a sensitive being that would get into these ‘states of being’ to create.

 

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to see how I would actually talk myself and write myself into depression and experiences in order to later on just stop writing and start painting wherein everything that I had programmed within myself as this ‘gloomy’ perspective on my life and the world would be translated into a picture that I could then define as ‘expression’ and ‘art’ and make myself feel good about my own ‘depressive states’ that I deemed were the most ‘genuine’ ones, without seeing how I simply programmed myself to do so and there was never something special about it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold Ok computer as a revelation to myself and my work wherein I believed that painting about the system and capitalism was ‘my thing’ and my message to the world, from the starting point of self-victimization and within holding these ideas of specialness of myself as ‘an artist in the making,’ which is precisely how I created myself as a particular personality, believing that it was just coming out of ‘myself,’ but it wasn’t, it was just me picking to be and become the dreams that I fueled from a very young age of wanting to be an artist and performing, dancing, playing music or painting as a professional career, which all came from what I would see in the media and what I would be fed by my parents as music and people performing as something to idolize and look up to.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mission in life was to paint and give a message to the world through my art, which became like an epiphany at that time and thinking that I had to do everything that I could in order to justify this ‘epiphany’ of being and becoming an artist so that I could eventually pick an artistic career, without actually admitting myself to see that this was due to the extensive judgment that I created toward the system according to what I would read, watch and hear as entertainment itself, which were mostly books, lyrics, people’s perspectives on how fucked the world is and how art is the perfect way to ‘escape from reality,’ which is what I embraced as my religion: escaping from reality through being creative.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that each painting held a mystery to me, and that my mission in life was to become a prophet-like person with my paintings, which was a reverend mindfuck that I fueled with and through my own perceptions and beliefs about myself and the world as being this ‘sensitive being’ that was being revealed ‘messages’ through paintings – all quite a substantial aspect of my self-religion as a creative, misunderstood person with a gift to present messages through images – all my own mindfuck.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start painting after a while holding the expectation of ‘what will people say about my paintings?’ and within this, starting to shape and mold my expression in order to satisfy others or what I believed others would like, wherein I started compromising myself in order to do things ‘for others’ and within the expectation of judgment, without realizing that whenever I would do this, I would end up being unsatisfied about the results and considering that I would ‘someday’ be ‘good enough at the eyes of others’ which became an actual obstacle in my creative processes and never considering that my work was ‘good enough’ and actually believing till this day that my work is just not good enough or lacking ‘professionalism’ within itself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually fear that people would judge my paintings and say that I was not an artist at all, wherein I would then fear having to ‘let go’ of my dream because of being labeled as ‘not good enough’ which didn’t happen and instead took the positive judgments of people as a way to reinforce my self-belief that ‘I was one the right track’ to become an artist.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to make lots of paintings as a way to ensure that I could cover people’s different tastes and measure what I could continue doing and discontinue doing based on the feedback I would get, which means that I begun caging my expression based on wanting to satisfy others, compromising my ‘unconditional expression’ to suit others preferences and needs.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted an allowed myself to deliberately hide this bunch of paintings from my family because of not wanting to expose myself to them as being a tortured, depressive maniac that would paint some type of violent scenes that had in no way relationship to my ‘calm’ and pacific life locked up in my room, which became the way that I justified my distant stance toward them because of believing that ‘they would not understand,’ and feeling more and more like an alien at home because there was no one else interested in arts and culture the same way I was.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my ‘alienation’ at home based on me believing myself to be special and unique as ‘an artist’ that was misunderstood at home, using such thoughts to fuel my creation as a way to ‘want to escape’ and ‘find my real mission in life’ wherein I would picture myself living and being somewhere else but ‘here.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately instigate an emotional and feeling experience whenever I was painting, fueling it with music – such as being reading and abruptly getting a desire to paint and just turn on the music and grab my brushes and paint and get into this ‘inspirational moment’ that I simply would be building as a point of self-definition as an eccentric personality, yet making myself belief that I was in ‘the perfect moment’ to create, which is what started leading met o be more and more interested in the occult and unexplainable things in my reality that I thought would have a divine meaning, lol.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Painting is what I want to do for the rest of my life – placing writing and playing music as the other two options in the hierarchical value-scheme of ‘who and what I want to be when I grow up’ which is how I built my self-religion of being an artist, believing myself to be special and ‘resonating’ with some of the biographies I would read from artists wherein I could identify myself with them, thus fueling the belief that ‘I am on the right track, I must become an artist’ in almost an anxious and absolute excitement as a self-revelation of something ‘magnificent’ in my life, which I really took to the extremes as an actual energetic experience that I became used to fuel through music, words, thoughts, pictures and my own imagination of course, in order to believe that I was in fact discovering my ‘real mission in life’ and that it was a ‘special one,’ without actually seeing that all I was busy doing is entertaining myself within the arts/ cultural realms to not have to one day face the ‘harsh capitalist world’ of office jobs and regular money-making professions which I judged as ‘lower’ and ‘lesser evolved’ than being an ‘artist’ or a ‘philosopher’ or any other creative and reflective profession in the world, as if knowledge and art could be the actual ‘change’ in the world as both points currently exist as in our world system.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to infatuate myself with beliefs of who and what I have to be and become, and stick to it like glue with no flexibility, which is how when getting married to a certain idea of myself it became equally difficult having to let go of it, because of all the meaning and ‘specialness’ I had built and fueled It with, which was the reason why I had such a breakdown when finding Desteni because of all the ‘effort’ that I had placed onto ‘my art’ and ‘my creations’ and my personality as this someone that is special and unique, thus having to let go of my specialness and uniqueness when realizing that all I had lived was preprogrammed life choices to entertain myself to not take self responsibility for the world.

 

My Room - 2003

My room 2003

 

Pattern: Following my desires and talking myself into believing that ‘this is it, this is what I’m meant to be doing for the rest of my life!’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into believing that ‘this is it, this is what I’m meant to be doing in my life’ based on constructing myself as the ideal of who I want to be based on affinity, attraction, desires and idealization so of who and what I can be and become as an ‘artist’/ painter in my life, based on the belief that all I am doing in my life is ‘searching my mission’ and within that, using every excuse, belief, and association of myself to a particular activity as ‘a mission’ or as a ‘sign’ that I must stick to that path no matter what and within this thinking process, develop an actual self-religion based on premises that I have created as an outflow of my own self-talk, self-belief and deliberate training to be and become that which I have valued as ‘special’ and ‘important’ and ‘mysterious’ such as art-making.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am making choices in my life based on ‘signs’ and some unnatural ‘force’ that is placing all of these points for me to consider as an actual career choice, just because of how I learned from a very young age as a kid that I ‘should know what I want to be when I grow up’ which became a constant and actual worry even at a tender age of 6-7 years old, wherein I thought that if I wanted to be an astronaut, I had to start studying the universe, picking up a book and starting reading about it in order to be ‘well prepared for when the time comes to be an astronomer/ astronaut’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of careers and the choice of it as the ‘most important decision in life’ wherein it seemed that once I had chosen what to study and what to be, I would be bound to it no matter what, which is how making decisions on what to study became a terrifying event in my life, preparing myself several years for it, just because of the belief that suddenly dropping out/ changing career or not living out of (making money from) the career one chooses is regarded by society as a failure, as not being successful enough, which became a fear in the background within myself, wherein I would push my self to ensure that I do not fail and fearing not eventually being in the ‘right career’ which did lead me to change careers and eventually realize that none of them is what I really wanted to be and become because all my choices were based on ‘who I am’ as my mind as preferences, likes and dislikes, which is now a point that I am ensuring is no longer defining my choices in life – this implies that I allow myself to not judge what I did and the decisions I took in the past, as I did not know anything else other than ‘following my desires/ dreams’ and never considered at all how I could contribute to make of this world a better place for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into believing that I am walking through certain events and people, and things, and books, music, writing as ‘signs’ that I must follow and arrange like a puzzle to determine ‘my mission in life’ which is pretty much a spiritual-influenced type of decision due to the entire ‘aura’ of specialness that I got to know art had throughout human history, which became a fascination within me, leading myself to believe that because I was so fascinated with it, I had to be a part of it – in this using self-talk, backchat and basically convincing myself that I had to be in the art world because I had ‘talent’ for it, without ever really considering what I would be doing within the art world and how I would practically sustain and live, but following just a dream and using the belief that ‘I’ll sort the financial aspect as I go’ and in that, leaving things to just flow without me taking into consideration the actual practical aspects that would lead me to make an informed decision in my life, and not just following what I wanted, desired and liked based on enjoyment and personal desires, wherein the world system and the state of the world became the point that I wanted to avoid facing/ escaping from, using art as a socially acceptable way to do so in a ‘nice’ way wherein I could still earn money from the system, while doing what I like.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the preferences, likes and dislikes that I’ve created and supported throughout my life are those wherein my mind is able to thrive the most, as in fueling up self-definitions, ideas and experiences that are pretty much linked to the experience of myself as my mind, and not considering the practical physical reality wherein one has to earn money to live, which is how I took a decision in my life in an airy-fairy manner not considering practical living at all, but just day dreaming about me suddenly getting to be very famous and have enough money to fulfill my dreams, not realizing that this would lead me nowhere, because the world does not work like in dreams, but actual decisions are required to be taken in order to physically and practically be able to support myself, which is how I realize that all my self-talk and belief of wanting to be an artist was just escapism and calling it an affinity and ‘natural ability’ towards art.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to absolutely disregard what’s best for all and me taking a position in the world to be part of the change that I wanted to see in the world, but instead chose a career in order to ‘step out of the system’ – apparently and not have to face it as my responsibility, but rather be ‘creative’ about it as a way to just show that I was loathing the system and being unsatisfied with it, and calling it ‘art’ and ‘expression,’ without considering that I could in fact prepare myself to be part of the solution that I see and realize this world requires, which is now a point that I realize I will take on within my life as it is never too late to accept that we made the wrong decisions and from here on, direct ourselves to a point that is of actual benefit to humanity and myself as one and equal to create a new world system that regards Life in Equality –

 

My room 1 - 2003

My room – (View from the sofa I always used to sit from) 2003

 

Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself believing that art is a ‘superior human activity’ I stop and I breathe- I realize that I have brainwashed myself to believe that in order to justify my decision in life based on wanting to be an ‘artist’ just so that I could remain isolated, doing ‘what I want/ what I like’ on my own, which is an aspect of my entire personality that sought to be a hermit, not socializing and only fueling and becoming an ‘erudite’ in my field – arts in general – to value knowledge and ‘my profession’ over my own life. Thus, I direct myself to equalize all human activities as equal wherein I stop wanting to do something over another activity based on how I have arranged them in my mind, but instead, take all activities and my participation within the world according to the practicality and priority of such activities in my world, instead of following only a desire to experience myself in a certain positive way.

 

When and as I see myself seeking to buy only the cheapest for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this ‘buy the cheapest’ is family ingrained ideas that money is a scarce thing and that we rather buy the cheapest to ‘save money,’ wherein saving money became a fear to lose money itself, being constantly fueled and reactivated every time that I would direct myself to the cashier and letting go of money as in losing that ‘security’ as ‘my savings.’ Within this, I realize that I can let go of the idea that by buying the cheapest I am ‘securing myself as money,’ because this is just an idea and ingrained belief toward money itself, with no actual foundation other than what I learned from my parents with regards to ‘taking care of money’ and always seeking to spend the least money on what we buy and consume for ourselves, seeing higher prices as a luxury that is simply not-affordable for ourselves.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to be ‘ecofriendly’ as in not generating too much waste and using ‘the least’ for myself such as painting over used paper, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just a self-belief as ‘the saver’ in terms of money and resources, without realizing that everything that I consume in this world has an environmental impact that I am mostly unaware of until I study and inform myself how things are created, which only become knowledge and information that I worry about and ‘avoid,’ without realizing that such processes could actually be transformed/ changed and improved to be done in less-harmful ways if we establish a monetary system that is based upon Life itself as a self-supportive system, instead of seeing the production and commercialization of products as ways to earn money/ make a lot of profit which is the reason why we still consume in harmful and careless ways the resources of the earth, which implies that I must first stop the judgment toward what I use and instead direct myself to establish such solution so that all abuse in all aspects in this world can be stopped, one point at a time, beginning with me not making of money the real god and decision-maker in and of my life.

 

When and as I see myself to feel guilty for spending money on myself, buying what I need and materials and anything that I regard as ‘non-essential,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am manipulating myself to feel like a victim through belittling myself as not being ‘worth it,’ wherein I am using the value-system of things and money itself in comparison to myself and my own life, which is not acceptable as this is how we create our own hierarchical levels of ‘what I’m worthy of/ what I’m not yet worthy of’ based on the social rules of valuing people, career, things, qualities as ‘more’ than ourselves, instead of realizing Life as the one and only real value wherein money wont’ define ‘who I am’ or how I can or cannot support myself, but can instead become a single too to support ourselves in the best manner possible, which implies that there will be no more limitation based on money itself and the fear of ‘lacking money/ ending up with no money’ as a constant survival fear that is existent every time that I pay money for that which I require to live and to create.

 

When and as I see myself going through the thinking pattern of ‘being worthy of using something expensive’ I stop and I breathe – I realize I am comparing myself to the values placed through a monetary convention that in no way regard life in Equality, wherein expensiveness is linked in my mind to being professional, to ensure that I won’t squander resources/ money and that I’ll make ‘the most of it’ wherein art and creation is then not unconditional but always taking into consideration the amount of money spent on the materials and everything that is bought in order to create, which is the reason why and how self-expression is not FREE in this world as everything I’ve done is equated to money wherein even ‘skills’ are able to be paid for according to the rules and regulations of the system, that do not consider the value of expression as life itself, but as a monetary value that we are all bound to in this current economic system.

 

When and as I see myself not doing things the best possible way that I see and realize I am capable of, due to how I am valuing the materials as ‘cheap’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the materials and the price of it is but a social convention to believe that there is something ‘more’ or ‘less than’ according to the price they are sold with, which is how I have been an elitist in my own ‘doings’ wherein: If I am dealing with cheap materials = I have not put enough effort to do things properly and well, but equate my application to the value of the ‘cheap materials,’ with a sense of ‘not really giving a fuck’ because ‘it’s not expensive’ – and doing the opposite wherein: if I am dealing with expensive materials = I make sure I take care of each bit of material, I am the most careful person toward it in fear of losing money as in squandering such material, which is how everything that I do becomes an extension of wasting/ saving money itself, wherein the actual point of expression that should be constant and consistent regardless of ‘prices’ is compromised to the monetary values I add to and regard as ‘important’ within my reality.

 

When and as I see myself being deliberately careless and doing things ‘half-assed’ or in a ‘messy way,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is actually a way to not have to push myself to expand my abilities and step out of my mind-frame of limitations and instead, challenge myself to do things the best way that I am aware I can be and direct myself to become if walking a point breath by breath in consideration of whatever I am doing really being an expression of who and what I realize I am, wherein I no longer accept myself to create out of just seeking an experience or wanting to continue defining myself as careless or a wreck in my creations, but in fact take a moment to see who I am in that moment of expression within any activity in my world, and making a decision of what and who I want to be in that moment considering what is best for all – and then act accordingly. With this I ensure that I do not sabotage myself to think that it’s ‘okay’ to do things half way and ‘more or less alright,’ instead of realizing that I am determining myself and the entirety of who I am in each moment in every action and decision I take, wherein allowing me to walk the ‘half path’ is in fact spiting myself and sabotaging my ability to challenge myself and walk in self-directive way wherein what is best for all as myself is directed in common sense as that which I want to be and become as self-perfection that is able to be walked with enough patience and consistency in application, as all mastery is in fact able to be achieved if practical application, self-determination and consistency is placed as a constant application within myself in everything that I do, no matter ‘what’ I do.

 

When and as I see myself using money as an excuse to not do things properly as in having ‘no quality material to work with’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am mimicking the hierarchical system wherein materials are not just ‘matter’ from the Earth but are valued according to a price tag that I am using as an excuse to not do things properly because of believing that the worth of material as the money that they represent is ‘not much’ hence I can equally ‘not give much/ not do much’ instead of giving all my attention, focus and dedication to use whatever means I have to create, to express and to work with, without assessing my own effort in relation to the ‘quality’ of the materials as the amount of money they represent, which is mimicking the world-system of money as my own application. I instead equalize my application regardless of how much money the materials cost – expensive or cheap – and commit myself to express, do and use what is here in the best possible way to ensure that no matter what I use, where I am, how much money I spend on myself, I stop defining ‘who I am’ in relation to money as a value over myself as life.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am ‘not following my dreams’ and I am ‘missing out on life’ as the dreams of wanting to be a writer, painter, musician or anything else related to arts – I stop and I breathe – I realize that such careers were based upon my decision and desire to ‘step out of/ escape’ the system due to and because of not wanting to take responsibility for myself and this world, but instead rather trying to and attempting to make money out of ‘escaping the system’ through dedicating myself to art, without realizing that I can in fact prepare myself to take on a position in the world system wherein I can support myself and others to establish a new world system based on life in equality, wherein ‘my dreams’ of creative-processes can wait to be walked and expressed once that money is no longer a problem and an obstacle for expression, not only for myself but for everyone that I see and realize are equally affected by money being a limitation to an actual self-expression through/ as art.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to isolate myself resorting into music, painting, reading only and not interacting with anyone in my reality, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in such moments I am in fact seeking to ‘escape myself’ and entertain myself to not do and face and walk what I have to do, walk and direct as self-support. Therefore I direct myself in such moments to allow myself to check the starting point of such desire to ensure that I do not use such ‘fleeting desire’ as a way to stop being self directive and ‘fly away’ – but instead simply realize that I can give myself a moment to express and draw/ paint/ read or listen to music without it becoming an absolute ‘escapism mechanism’ as a repeated pattern in my everyday living.

 

When and as I see myself still desiring the experience of ‘being an artist’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that everything that I sought was to be and become like people on TV and the media that are ‘artists’ and apparently have a great life that is only possible do to Money being the main factor linked to this ‘happiness’ and ‘fulfillment’ ideal of ‘living’- when in fact none of it is actually physically real as an expression of life but is the abuse of life made business as role-models that represent’ the ‘ultimate happiness’ as having lots of money which I have linked to ‘being an artist = having money’ as the ultimate freedom from the system, while feeding From the system itself, which was my initial ‘target’ in my career: being in the system but not ‘of the system’ apparently, without realizing I was consuming the exact same desire of success just like everyone else in this world.

 

When and as I see myself using the example of an artist’s life to compare my own life and experience to theirs and validate my ‘career choice,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only using another’s personality design to validate and excuse my own self-created personality design to maintain myself within such limitation while using ‘famous artists’ as an example to follow as ‘who I wanted to be,’ which is all based on desires for money, fame and personal-glorification as the ultimate self interest wherein life in equality is not part of the equation at all. Thus I realize that fueling self-definitions is the way that the system has ensured its own continuity, instilling the same desires and dreams within people through advertising itself as media/ entertainment/ arts / culture as everything is linked to the same monetary system, which implies that no ‘choice’ in life is really based on self-understanding of life in equality and promoting a new way of living, but they are all linked to preserving and perpetuating the same world system of money as inequality.

 

When and as I see myself correlating my life and what I do as ‘signs’ that I should be and become an artist I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am reacting to my own associations and networks of comparison from me toward other ‘famous people’ that I believed I was ‘similar to’ in how I would ‘see the world,’ and this feeding my own desire to be special and unique as ‘an artist,’ which is just another personality design within the system that in no way considers being or becoming a human being that stands for life in an actual position wherein this can be created and manifested, but instead only made it into an elusive ideal and ‘dream’ like thing to use as theme and topic of art works, but not considering the practical steps to create such change in this world, which is how I now direct myself to see where I am the most effective to become part of the actual process of creating and installing a change in this world to life in Equality.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have a ‘mission in life’ and a ‘specific purpose’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am using this aura of ‘specialness’ and desire to be ‘unique’ as in believing that I have this ‘special purpose in life’ linked to my career and ‘what I will be doing’ in this world, which is in no way something special, unique or ‘god given,’ but instead is and will be a process of taking the necessary informed decisions as to where I can be the most effective within the process that we are walking as the implementation of life in Equality and Oneness and How I can practically assist and support myself to walk the process to place myself in such position as I realize that nothing is like ‘a dream’ that I can just jump into and see ‘where it goes,’ but that I have to now take and make decisions wherein I practically look at the necessary steps to take to get to the position that I see I am required to be and take on in my world, in accordance to the support and implementation required to establish the Equal Money System as a living solution for all beings on Earth wherein expression in itself will stop being just another commodity and asset in itself, only possible for those that can afford it, which is how this process of self-equalization is priority for all before we can start discovering what Self-Expression actually means.

 

When and as I see myself admiring other’s expressions as art and desiring to be doing the same – I stop and I breathe – I bring myself back to earth to realize that the priority in my world and within this process that I am walking is not art creation but establishing a world that is best for all as Life, which is a process of educating ourselves to stand in positions wherein we can practically implement a new system that supports life – in this I commit myself to direct myself to play my part within the equation and realizing that no matter what I decide to do, I will give it all of myself within the realization that no ‘artwork’ can be an actual living expression of self as long as such artwork or artistic activity is still linked to and defined by the current monetary system.

 

I realize that my desire to paint and create stemmed more from a point of abdicating self-responsibility and following my dreams as entertainment rather than an actual process of placing myself in a position of support to change the world and support myself to stand as such change, which were points and aspects that I in no way considered when delving myself into the art world, and in fact doing the exact opposite. Thus, I see that I brainwashed myself to make my ‘dreams’ and desires of escapism as ‘acceptable’ in order to not have to face myself, which is how and why the decision I’ve made to not follow through fully within the art-career as a living-process is in the best interest of all and myself to learn what it is to walk the world system in fact – and not only continuing my own desires of self-interest and personal self-glorification, which doesn’t meant that I will ‘stop creating absolutely,’ but just not following through with it as an actual career that I can make money of, as I see there are points that require immediate support and assistance beginning with my own training and understanding of this world and reality, to walk the points as myself and be the example of what is required to be done as this process to actually change the world into a system that is best for all.

This will continue….

 

“I commit myself to Restore Real Spirituality to Earth as the SPIRIT as Life as Equal as What is Best for Each One.

I commit myself to Set Life Free from the Drive for Profit so that Each Life can Live Life to the Best, in the Time Given to Each One.” Bernard Poolman*

 

Marlenoise_1

Marlenoise (2003) Always with headphones on lol

 

Walk through the gallery with the works I made with those ‘cheap watercolors and recycled paper’ among other drawings here

MarlenLife’s album / 2003

 

 

Blogs:

*Day 72: Is Profit Driving the Spirit?

Love is to Accept Each-Other’s Evil: DAY 72

 

Vlogs:

2010 FREEDOM of Expression is NOT Existent

2011 Art in Equality: Be your own Work of Art

2012 Existential Woes: Stop and Know Yourself

 

 

Must Hear Interviews on YouTube by Sunette Spies:


Catharsis

This is a word that I came across with through Sunette whose post I’ll place at the end of this entry for the sake of realizing how it is that we have created all forms of nice words to justify our own mindfucks – literally.

The point here is how this word has become part of the ‘basic formation’ within the study of arts/human expression and their psyche wherein traditional knowledge that goes as far as the Greek tradition is brought ‘here’ to teach people how it is that those that are ‘creators’ as ‘artists’ have this particular quirk, hoisted almost as this ‘special gift’ of being able to  ‘release themselves’ through the exacerbation of human emotions/feelings directed through certain form of performance/expression. This goes as far as the times of Aristotle who explained catharsis in his poetic as a process of ‘purification’ in an almost ‘spiritual’ way, the human purging itself through the expression of such emotions in an apparent ‘detached’ manner which is mostly allowed within theatrical representation in what was originally tragedy. That book is one of the basic ‘pillars’ that you get to read when being involved in some artistic study which I got to prove in two different careers.

The point here is how I ‘resonated’ with this single explanation as the key to justify my own identification with all the emotions and feelings I experienced as well as the continuation of them wherein I literally used this term to justify my experiences as a catalyzer to my ‘expression’. I got to read this book when I first went into studying literature  and since then it became ‘the banner’ I’d take to justify my decision to leave such career and get myself into arts, because ‘I had a lot to express’ rather than dissecting books in a ‘scientific method’. I remember the teachers in literature being very passionate on describing how wonderful human emotions are – there is a LOT of brainwashing going on in such acceptance of emotions as part of ‘human nature’ and any form of considered ‘art’.

So, this is how we go passing on from generation after generation the same bullshit that has been experienced as humanity within the safe tags of it being ‘knowledge’/tradition and ‘education’ wherein any person that gets themselves into an artistic career encounters this word and ‘feels comprehended’ as in ‘having found the place to be in’ because that’s how I experienced myself without EVER pondering at all that such emotions and feelings weren’t actually ‘me’ or ‘real’ for that matter. I t is only now that we know they are energy-generated self-accepted thoughts that generate experiences that I accepted as ‘who I am’, while living in a constant shifty-mode of ups and downs and literally being subject to my emotions and relationships formed around that, while attempting to ‘make a career out of it’ –once again believing that this could ‘make sense’ at the end of it all and that there was a ‘place for me in this world’, wherein the ‘incomprehensible me’ could finally express and be ‘understood’ through being an emotional and sensitive person whose life-purpose was to ‘create art’.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in the self-created experience named and accepted as ‘catharsis’ as the deliberate acts of exacerbating my emotions and feelings for the sake of believing I was ‘expressing myself’ as who I really am and ‘purging myself out’ through directing such outbursts and experiences in what I could deem as ‘artistic expression’, without having ever considered or even questioned the ‘nature’ of such experiences and how I had been the creator of them all throughout my life, never considering that such ‘tormented way’ of existing was in fact self-generated for the sake of making of my life ‘something’, some type of ‘experience’ to not feel ‘empty’ – within this accepting and allowing myself to build myself as a character that would be a prey of emotions and feelings and utilize excuses such as ‘catharsis’ to immerse myself in the depths of my own mind only to come up with anything out and manifest it as ‘part of who I am’ and ‘the need to express’ as ‘works of art’.

The only expression that I truly am exists here as breathe – in-out, one-two – and the rest is just my own mental creation really of which we I realize now I’ve got to take self responsibility for.

We have the ability to now decide and direct ourselves to stand as actual creators that don’t have to motivate themselves to do anything for the sake of ‘purging ourselves’, but instead realize that any build up of emotions and feelings can be self forgiven and within that, we enable us to have a blank page to walk upon each day, without having to check upon our mood-meter to see if we’re up for ‘creating’ or moving and working on something.

From Sunette’s writings:

“Studying, and came across the word: catharsis – “the purging of the emotions or relieving of the emotional tensions esp. through certain kinds of art as tragedy or music.”
http://dictionary.reference.co​m/browse/catharsis

One do not need/require music/art to purge/release/relieve self from/of accumulated / built-up energy that one manifested through/as time, breath by breath as self accepted and allowed self to participate in/as thoughts/memories of/as mind, as all the issues that self has not directed/resolved/solved within/as self.”

I met someone that I later shared with how I was walking this process through Desteni and Self Forgiveness and Writing ourselves to freedom. He insisted that his theatrical-class would have similar effects to what I had shared as the changing of me through stopping my emotions  and that he could experience a ‘release’ the moment of ‘becoming another’ and exerting all the anger and built up of emotions through such fictional character – yet played and lived-out by him. This is an example of  the infamous ‘Catharsis’ and how this man didn’t actually take on further the initiative to investigate HOW such emotional build up had been self-created throughout his life wherein he’d gotten himself to the point of ‘losing himself’ only to find then a ‘way’ to let all of his emotional body out through playing out a character on stage without taking the necessary steps to investigate how such anger and such charge of emotional rubbish was existent within him = in essence taking the tangent way out instead of daring to face himself as his own creation and take self responsibility for it. YET the point is justified within the ‘artistic world’ and even applauded as ‘great performance’ when the actual reality of such ‘human nature’ is not investigated and only ‘accepted’ as part of ‘who we are’; it’s ludicrous how such ‘tormented self experience’ is broadly accepted as part of the individuals that define themselves as ‘artists’. I stopped defining myself as such, I am a human being in the process of becoming a living-physical being, no more identification with any social-role that is defined and confined to be a bundle of emotions. And this is certainly broadly accepted by everyone within such artistic-worlds.

‘It’s always been this way, this is how we are, we are only humans’ – these are some of the usual sayings that justify  the fact that the human being is prey of his own feelings and emotions. I’ve heard people saying that they can only ‘create’ when they’re in a certain mood and how they can justify their inaction due to going through some ‘emotional release/conflict/whatever’ – and this IS then seen as ‘acceptable’! because of having the ‘credential’ of ‘being an artist’ and thus living out the stereotype of tormented sensitive character of existence that can have major uplifts and catastrophic down-hills that people then ‘applaud’ as the “creations” stemming from such liberation/purging are then praised as masterpieces.

Now, all of this I’m able to say in such detail because I’ve walked the point, I’ve believed this myself before, I’ve used it in public as a way to ‘justify what I do’. I used this point of knowledge as vantage point to justify myself as ‘my personality’, my mood, my feelings, my emotions, my attachment to constantly ‘been experiencing something’ and within this, man, the ‘artist’ tag really sucks. Everyone is a literal self-centered ego-maniac that believes that ‘to make real art, we have to suffer’ – that was me and thus the rest of my story in the previous blog which I suggest you read if you haven’t just for the sake of getting the scoop on how we live-out a point of justification within this world, a word that is ‘convenient’ for someone like an ‘artist’ to exist-as regardless of ever questioning HOW the fuck it is all self.created anyways. I can only be glad that I stopped myself before going deeper into the rabbit hole of this ‘emotional-driven creation’ justification.

“Only releasing/relieving/purging self from/of such emotions/feelings is not a long-term/eternal solution that’ll bring change within self and self’s world, because the cause/source/origin of what manifested/created the reactions in the first place hasn’t been identified and so, if one only accept/allow self to purge/release/relieve the energy, self will walk into a time-loop and recreate the same conditions and even worse, because the same unresolved issues/problems within self will layer and layer and layer and eventually manifest self into a possessive-state and take-out self’s unresolved issues onto/towards others or one’s world as the manifested-consequence for not facing what self is accepting and allowing to hide/suppress/ignore within/as self.

Assist/support self with self forgiveness together-with self-corrective application, become the catharsis within/as one’s own world/living – through taking responsibility for one’s internal issues/problems and reactions by releasing self from the energy-reactions and at the same time, through writing – establish effective, directive solutions for the issues/problems self face within self and self’s world and accordingly change one’s living/behaviour to that of solutions; rather than hiding/mulling within the problems within self and self’s world making one’s life unnecessarily more difficult than it’s required to be.

In this, self assist/support self to identify the issue/problem – stop the energy-reactions, find and establish a solution and so make a change within self and self’s world where self will no more accept/allow the same issues/problems to accumulate / manifest and in this process, actually expand self within ‘who self is and how/what self live’.
Be/become a being of change/transformation and expansion – join us in the process of writing, self forgiveness and self-corrective action.” – Sunette Spies

So after reading this self-support point, here redefining Catharsis as the actual lived process of purging myself of any feeling and or emotion as the participation of myself in my mind that I have justified as ‘necessary for creation’ / to create/ to be creative and within that, ensure that anytime that I express myself is here as myself as breath of life without existing in any emotional charge that I then go ‘praising’ as part of my ‘sensitive side of being a human being that feels’ and stops for the sake of seeing things for what they are and thus, direct myself according to stopping such self-created experiences. I see and realize that I’ve lived up to the expectation of a preprogrammed word that in essence holds irresponsibility and negligence towards any self created experience as feelings/emotions.

I stop the accepted and allowed existence and knowledge-point from such word  being lived out/ experienced and/or justified as myself as part of ‘who I am’ within any point of expression and instead, commit myself to  face me and realize that only an ego requires justification to do something, only an ego requires validation and further confirmation of being an experience created in the mind and being cheered for that.

So, quite easy to live in a simplistic way once that such constant requirement to ‘be experiencing something to create’ is stopped. Then we don’t go seeking for ‘inspiration’ or any other life experience to then have something to speak about. We rather get real and express ourselves as what we’ve become, that’s kind of like written educational cautionary tales that can support many to realize what we’ve realized through our life experience.Instead we live out the correction to actually LIVE as being here breathing, physically, directing ourselves, stopping any mind experience and within this existing as actual self-expression that can be equated to breathing as what’s supportive of a life-process.

 

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