Tag Archives: arts

564. Too Quick To Judge and Reflective Aftermath

Or how to walk through an emotional reaction, deconstruct it and see what’s there for me to learn about it

I had quite an experience today after watching the documentary called ‘Machines’ by Rahul Jain during the annual Documentary Festival Ambulante here in Mexico, of which I’ve been quite an avid assistant of for some years now. The reason why I watched it is because the topic interested me and the director was there to have a chat Q&A session afterward, which is where the whole point of ‘being too quick to judge’ emerged in me and that I’ve been looking at for a few hours now.

The documentary is about Indians working in textile industry for over 12 hours a day with minimal pay, the typical slave-job scenario yet shot quite ‘beautifully’ in the sense that you truly get to experience the dread of being in the factory and the noises of the machines, the repetitiveness, the heat, the dread that workers there – including young men as well – go through on a daily basis out of needing the money of course. I also found it quite eye opening in terms of textile creations and how fabric industry and ultimately fashion’s primer matter is created through the usual exploitative means just like everything else in our reality.

So, I actually liked the documentary in the sense that it opened myself to a reality that I had not have an opportunity to ‘vicariously witness’ before. I didn’t have a good time throughout it because there was a guy sipping some cheap alcohol throughout the whole documentary, and I started feeling very weird and reacting to that; ultimately it really got me feeling very off and almost sick, just like I would feel like when drinking alcohol in my younger years. I cannot know exactly how this happened, maybe the smell got me ‘activating’ some memories or maybe I was pissed off about the whole situation of someone ‘sipping on alcohol’ and ‘having a good time’ while watching a documentary that to me was actually quite sad and in essence quite a terrible working situation, though not as gruesome as the one that I watched last year called ‘Behemoth’ which truly accentuates the drama of slave-labor in China’s coal mines, the hell that the workers go through, living in abject poverty while at the same time being surrounded by the infamous Ghost Cities. Anyway, that was another story that I didn’t even get to tell about at that time because I could not find anything to say about that one documentary, no direction to it other than what it currently is as the consequence it is.

Back to this day after the documentary screening, the director and photography director – who happens to be Mexican – were there to answer questions. There were lots of people considering this documentary just won some awards in Sundance, so there I was being curious to see what the hype was all about. I made the first question to him about what was his reaction when the workers would talk to the camera and ask him to do something to change their situation, they were demanding an 8 hour work day instead of 12 plus and better wages, they asked humanity to wake up – and the response from the director is that he didn’t have any, he had no answer to them, and yes I understand he could not change anything of their situation, but he couldn’t either in that moment explain what that moment was for him, but simply said that ‘nothing’ came up, which I took as a ‘whaaat?? How can you??’ type of reaction, and the photography director probably understood my question a bit better and said that at the end of the documentary he simply had many more questions about our reality, and that’s it.

The rest of the questions were a bit more into the photography and the ‘beauty’ of it which is where the word ‘disconnect’ started coming up in me. I could not fathom that people were more focused on the beauty of how these textiles ‘flowed’ and how it was so nicely shot, while we had just witnessed the gruesome working experiences of probably millions if not billions of people not only in India but around the world and… well here is where I have to create the ‘alert’ explanation of what ‘MY WAY’ or MY expectation was about having an aftermath chat with the director geared to create an awareness about these people’s lives and the rest of it, or expecting some ‘societal change’ after it but the reality is that it’s also quite new, it hasn’t even been shown in India yet, so there I go with my ‘being too quick to judge’ position where some of these documentaries do end up having an effect in reality, but they do require a lot of hype and screenings so that people can start becoming aware of these mirrors that documentaries are for sure.

Another lady expanded on my question so as to see how shooting this documentary had changed the director’s life but he said that he didn’t change much because it’s not like stopping purchasing clothes will change a thing, or these people would go out of work, but I still didn’t get my expected ‘personal insight’ there and that’s when I simply lost interest = when I wasn’t getting the director’s insight that I expected based on previous experiences in similar screenings and their directors/creators.

To me this was a complete turn off and final point where people were asking how they had experienced the environment in the factory and the photography director responded with saying that the molecules around there felt hot and there was a heat from the machines and that he created his own environment, which I took as another ‘disconnected’ answer based on MY expectations of wanting to hear how draining or emotional it had been for him to witness the lives of these people, and in a way I went into the pattern of again seeing artists as detached voyeurs that use people’s suffering as their subject for fame, fortune, recognition and prizes through their films and the rest of it. So, at that point I felt physically ill due to my experience towards the guy sitting next to me, which is something I had never before experienced in this festival and it’s to me also quite a saddening experience that someone has to be drinking alcohol while watching other people’s misery, but that’s also a judgment and my own expectation of how I would want everyone else to also be eating their ‘heart’ as I perceive myself to have been doing, but, am I also not only just a comfortable voyeur of these situations through a movie? And so whatever I believe I experienced ‘towards others’ is in fact towards myself, in a way it was a deep sadness that I again become aware of these situations in a very ‘in my face’ manner and we haven’t yet been able to do something substantial about it, nor do I see a ‘soon end’ to it all either, yet I understand the level of consequences we’ve created as well.

I remember this is also the reason why I slowed down a lot from watching documentaries on my own, because it gets to a point where you can be so aware of many things going on in the world, but there’s the risk of falling into the helplessness, hopelessness and disempowerment oblivion when perceiving one cannot do anything at all to change these people’s lives right away, and that’s an actual fact and truth that we have to live with for the most part; yet that I still find myself getting caught into it and going into a covert blame point towards people, the directors, the whole notion of making of people’s suffering a subject of ‘appreciation’ and ‘award winning’ situations, but bear with me this is all currently having to do with my judgments, my expectations and ideas of how I wanted the whole discussion to go, how I wished that there was no human being drinking in this world and how I wish that all people in privileged positions such as myself could have some kind of open dialogue about our responsibility to create a better world for ourselves and the generations to come, which begins with stepping aside form indifference or apathy about the world’s situation.

I ended up leaving the Q&A only to dive into a whole walk of going into a very deep sadness and sorrow and I could exactly recall the various times that similar ‘episodes’ have happened in my life. It’s been always related to watching documentaries about the harsh reality and survival conditions in the world where I get ‘triggered’ by all that I get to see and become aware of, where I tend to sink into crying and being sad or angry at myself or others – or both – about the situations that people are going through in this world.

And in a way get angry at myself being just a privileged person that can sit around watching documentaries and am in fact so detached from many of these people’s lives yet they are also here, they are also a part of what’s here as myself, we are in fact equals and it ends up bothering me that yes, I cannot do much to change their particular situation and that I can only make sure I can be that one person that changes in my ways of living and approaching others and their situations, to do and be whatever best I can to continue living the principles where we can become supportive toward ourselves and one another, and to not lose track about myself and my life purpose based on how I perceive others’ words or interactions or sheer approach to this kind of discussions or documentaries.

Bottom line is I cannot expect people to see and understand or even approach these documentaries the same way that I do, nor can I imply that the way I approach them is the right way either. All of it is simply a reflection of myself and where I am in my life, where I see that I have yet to not generate contempt and disappointment towards other people upon seeing that they are not ‘responding’ the way I expected, because I was in a similar open discussion on Friday – yesterday actually – about religious hatred and that was a very cool one on the documentary ‘Forever Pure’ from director Maya Zinshtein, which was actually quite opening to me considering I have walked through a particular contempt about a faction that is presented in her documentary and instead, learn to see humanity or any other human as a reflection of myself /ourselves which she also did in her documentary about the religious hatred that exists between Jews and Muslims, and that’s a whole other story in itself but it was refreshing to see the kind of dialogue that opened up in that documentary and I went out of there being grateful that I had yet another perspective on documentaries being a mirror to see ourselves so that we can form our own conclusions about the points that we have to work with, such as in my case, to not create contempt towards those that bully others, otherwise I’d become the bully and hatred-recycler myself, which became quite clear within me while watching that documentary which is absolutely recommendable because it’s really not about ‘soccer,’ but about who we’ve become as humanity and hatred in general.

So, after I walked through my discharge of emotions, I realized that this time I wasn’t going to ‘drop the towel’ and go into the usual bashing of films or documentaries or art in general as a silly way to pretend to make any change in the world, because it’s not about that, but about who one is within what we do. And this time I made the decision to use these moments of weakness and not dive into the past-experience of saying ‘there’s no point in this’ and instead said ‘Ok, if no one else is seeing what I see can be done with arts, then I have to be that person that presents what I see is possible with the use of arts in any of their forms.’

In a way I used this weakness and moment of going into an emotional reaction about what I experienced or ‘saw’ in that moment to reassure my position and decision to do my part in arts and use it within the same context that I use these blogs, to process myself, to still walk through the various reflections and ‘meta’ analysis that I end up having while watching a documentary, while interacting with the audience that watches such documentaries and using that whole experience as another way to see where I can fine tune myself, where I am becoming emotional, where I am wanting others to have the exact same ‘realizations’ as I do when watching something, where I am expecting all film makers to do things because they want to ‘change or better the world’ we live in. . . because this is entirely MY desire, my perception, my starting point and I have to learn to embrace people’s different points of view and starting points, because not everyone will approach ‘arts’ as a platform to ‘change the world’ no matter how focused this festival in itself might be geared towards that, each creator has their own starting point.

Another bottom line is: I have to accept that not everyone sees the world or reality the same way I do, and that not everyone will have the same objective as I see within arts, film or any creative endeavor, I cannot ‘force’ others to do it either – nor do I have to go into the hopelessness of ‘there’s not hope for humanity’ if or when seeing that some people might not necessarily ‘care’ in that same way. I actually just saw an interview done with the director I just talked about and I could see how I might have been in fact too quick to judge considering that he seems to be working on similar subjects for his next films, which means that maybe he’s not that ‘great’ with words and explaining his perspectives, but the fact that he is investing his time, money and work on creating documentaries/films about environmental issues is already denoting an interest that even if it doesn’t have a clear purpose, they serve as works to learn to reflect about ourselves, so he explains that in this video:  Sundance 2017 Winner MACHINES Dir Rahul Jain

So, I am now seeing the clarity that I lacked a few hours ago when only getting caught up in the emotional aspect but, I also saw that I didn’t allow myself to go really ‘down’ as I used to in the past and remain in some sort of emotional self-manipulation, but actively made the decision to let it all out, to do some ‘ranting and raving’ for myself which served as an initial platform for me to then be able to start looking at a clear direction for myself within it all and this blog is also a part of that for sure where I don’t claim that there’s absolute clarity in it all, but it does contain some major directives for me to focus on and consider: not expecting others to see things the way I see them, my way is not the ‘right’ way, each one has a different process, not judging a person based on a 10 minute interaction or hearing their words and jumping into conclusions about ‘who they are’, being open to people’s approach and perspectives even if they are not geared to ‘change the world’ type of starting point, be willing to learn from others’ approaches and continuing to find ways to best approach situations like having a person drink next to me where if I am bothered then I have to change the spot and if there’s no other option like it happened today, then I can instead let go of the judgment and focus on whatever I am watching there.

There’s probably some more points for me to open up but for now at least I got some more clarity. I am forgiving myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become emotional and in essence jump into conclusions about other people based on my expectations and my ideas of ‘how things should be’ where I have to instead learn to embrace people, their perspectives, their starting points and learn from them instead of discriminating them because of them not ‘seeing life the same way I do.’

So this is a constructive shame about my  reactions and actions afterward, I didn’t make of it a big deal ‘against others’ though, but I did make it a big deal in the moment within myself, so best thing to do is to realize: ok I got triggered, what is this about, let the emotions out and be determined to walk through it and keep an eye on similar situations from now on, so that I can ground myself back into common sense rather than getting lost and trapped into my own ‘ideas’ of how things should work and be in reality.

Thanks for reading

 

 

 

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562.Stepping out of Character

Or how to practically challenge the ‘I will never….’ statements

I’m currently doing things that I would not have done before, that I had said ‘I’m never going to do’ or that I was resisting to get to do not that long ago, yet upon also analyzing to what extent these beliefs were limiting me in many ways, I realized how I was sticking to certain views and ideas about myself and what I am willing to do or not as part of a religion of self, where I believed that ‘I have to stick to my words’ or ‘I have to follow through my decision’ even if these words or decisions are proven to be ineffective, rather limiting or leading myself to a form of restriction or ‘sacrifice’ within a moral view of what I believed is right or wrong to do.

An example is getting a car and learning to drive. I had been wanting to avoid doing this for such a long time and dragging this around as something I would ‘someday, maybe, eventually do’ but ultimately had not placed a time and date for it, believing that somehow I could just prolong it and leave it hanging there for indefinite time. However, I am glad that certain situations in my reality have also led me to push to get this done and saw for myself how it was rather ‘easy’ it was to give direction to these two points in terms of finding a suitable used car and scheduling the driving lessons. I had the first one today and yes of course it’s completely doing something that I had for sure feared and so resisted to do for such a long time that whatever I face as fear is only also an accumulation of all the reasons, excuses and justifications I would tell myself in order to not move and direct this point in my life, which I am definitely now aware is something that I can get to enjoy and benefit from.

Here then for example, some of the reasons, excuses and justifications I used to not learn to drive is not wanting to pollute more the world with one more car, opting to walk around for the most part, take uber rides or public transportation which I have defined also as ‘grounding moments’ which sure I can still do whenever it’s practical do so, but it’s of course cool to have an option that is a more independent form of transportation. I also got to take pride on walking long distances, to the point where I could walk to places without even taking public transportation, which is still something enjoyable for sure and great exercise, though sometimes road to get somewhere is not always walkable, weather conditions are not always suitable and this also becomes a determining factor to go out to places that are mostly nearby, which has actually been then a limitation for me to not go to places where public transportation doesn’t get to or private rides would be too expensive. So, with having a car I can then circumvent these limitations and get around easier.

In terms of seeking a car, it was also quite a time consuming situation, something that I had to not give up on and be patient about as well, it’s not so ‘easy’ to buy a used car and be satisfied in most aspects about it, so I am glad I found the one I ended up buying right when I said ‘ok I’m done, this is the last number I’m calling to’ – and a part of me also wants to diminish all of this as petty situations, nothing too ‘transformative’ or these are things that people do on a daily basis, but here I also have to consider my context and my particular beliefs that I had to essentially breakthrough – or step out of character – in order to do all of this, so I have to not go into a projection about how this might be read, because here I share the direction that’s needed to do things that I had postponed for a long time until realizing the benefit that it creates.

Another thing I decided to do is get into a short running race for amateurs on Sunday, it’s essentially a 3 km jog that I regularly do, and I managed to get a second place in it lol, it was funny because to me it ended up being a lot more considering I jogged all the way back and forth to the start of the race, so I also discovered that I can in fact jog more than what I usually do and my body didn’t get strained at all, which means that whenever I feel like I can barely complete one loop around the track it means I am most likely listening to my mind and not really being here with and as my body. Of course this wasn’t among ‘professional’ so I’m not bragging about the position here, but rather seeing how this was easy for me to do because of having been consistently jogging.

This is again something I would not have at all considered I would do in my life based on how much I would suffer to give a jog around a smaller track when being in junior high school and saying words like ‘I’m never going to run again in my life.’ For this race, I had to make a decision to participate in it, get myself inscribed which is by all means something I would not have dreamed of doing over 2 years ago when I would probably run 100 meters and start panting… it may seem easy to say to be part of a race, but again taking my context into consideration, I would always only fume about how I ‘sucked at running’ and ‘loathed physical exercise’ many years ago. However with consistency I’m about to do some 2 years of being regularly jogging without having any problems in my body with it, being very gentle as well and not over doing it, as well as continuing walking on a regular basis which I’ve done for some 10 years or so, which has also been very assisting to me, my grounding ‘get away from computer’ moment as well, a ‘me time’ walk towards downtown and yes for sure also doing it for the exercise it is. Here I also place a disclosure that many people consider jogging is not good for the body, and so it might not but that’s where I’m at right now with it and enjoying a lot the fact that I can do something I would not have dreamed of being able to do before – of course starting with small steps, practicing, just like with everything, which I now remind myself of now that I got quite into the ‘new zone’ of learning to drive, and reminding myself to be patient about these new things to learn, expansion it is!

I’ve also been painting something that I sincerely would not have done 10 years ago when I started my career, and it is funny how I am remembering more about the classes  I decided to skip many times because of how I deemed my teacher was ‘too conservative’ and that I was ‘never going to paint the stuff he wanted us to paint’ and even had verbal arguments with him where I got into one of those arrogant positions of me being all about abstract art and ‘could not care less for painting a self-portrait.’ And I just realized I kind of just painted that lol! And I am actually blushing right now in embarrassment while remembering that moment with that teacher where I almost let everybody know how much I disliked his ways and creating a belief that I also was not precisely appreciated by him, which I actually later on had to debunk for the assumption it was on my side, and also up till this day, I do regret not having gotten some basics from him, because they are in fact the kind of apprenticeship that you don’t get anywhere else, so I share this as a cautionary tale to ‘never say never’ and realize that any skills are always welcomed to be learned, because we never know when we might need them.

But in my case that’s done and now all I can do is learn those skills myself. Here simply sharing as part of those things that I said I would ‘never do’ and have kind of just ended up doing it anyways because I am also exploring different things to do and challenging what comes ‘natural’ to me and doing things I would usually definitely not do when it comes to painting.

I’ve discovered how painting or doing art is where most of my self doubt can emerge because there is not set ‘right or wrong’ ‘finished or unfinished’ type of task that I am good at – when it comes to self-creation it is a process in itself and that’s also how I’m realizing that it goes beyond the ‘final product’ as well, it also has to do with how one goes shaping one’s expression every brush of the way so to speak. And yes I also have to eat my words as well when I said I wasn’t going to paint again and do art again… well, here I am, one more to the list of things that I’ve gotten to ‘get back to’ or start learning to do or continue integrating in my life, which I am definitely enjoying because it is one of those things I do for myself and discovering new starting points for it becomes a nurturing hand in hand process with the Desteni Process as well.

Same with travelling to a particular country that I said ‘I won’t ever step foot into it again!’ and ranting about it… well, yep I can never know what opportunities may open up in relation to that country as well so, I can only eat humble pie and take my words back, self-forgive my absolutism/self-fascism that I now realize I have kept as a form of limitation which I am now very much willing to and ready to expand from.

With these few examples and others in my day to day, I am seeing more clearly how ‘tight-viewed’ I have kept myself in relation to many things in my life just because of believing that I am comfortable the way I am, but in reality it might not be so and the only way to get to know where one is actually limiting oneself or in fact doing something out sheer preference, is by testing things out and realizing that nothing is lost by testing something out, giving it a go, doing something ‘out of the normal’ which I am definitely eager to continue doing in various ways as well. It definitely seems like I am shedding an old skin so to speak and opening my horizons to something beyond what has become very normal and regular to me.

The overall point as a reminder for myself is: never say never, because we won’t ever in fact know what is ‘around the corner’ in our lives and creating these statements like ‘I’ll never drive a car’ ‘I dislike jogging’ or ‘I hate painting self-portraits’ or ‘I am never going to buy a car’ or ‘I won’t ever grow my hair back again’ are statements I made at a certain point in my life, but I’m learning to not keep myself captive within my own sentences and instead challenging myself, because to me many times it felt as if I was ‘betraying myself’ by doing all of these things, but all I’ve seen is the betrayal of opinions, beliefs, morals – ultimately a religion of self where I was not really considering all the potential situations or outcomes in life that I have to in fact be flexible about, so this is also another practical way to live the word flexibility.

All of this is of course part of walking this Desteni process where these decisions to do something and actually ‘move’ in our reality  – even more so when they are ‘out of the comfort zone’ situations – are quite supportive to transcend our fears, our limitations, our beliefs, our morals, our ‘religion of self’ and continue challenging myself this way, which is then again going hand in hand with my previous blog on ‘provocation’ and provoking myself to ‘loosen up’ some of the tight and rigid fixed ‘norms’ I had set for myself throughout my life in the past – or up to fairly recently – because hey, every day can be an opportunity to challenge these limitations.

Ok, let’s continue walking.

Thanks for reading.

 

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405. Culture: the Clockwork of our Psychosphere

 We may not change culture overnight, but we certainly CAN begin changing the way that we live and participate in it.

 

Continuing from:

 

  Seeing it from this perspective to me is quite supportive to ponder ‘twice’ any time I go to watch a film or see any works of art and remind myself that what I see is not special, not unique, it won’t give me a ‘breakthrough’ in itself and so stop for once and for all that ‘seeking’ mentality which is more like a habit from the past as I am certainly not looking for any ‘truths’ in it any longer once I have realized I created my own mythology with my art as well, without realizing that there’s nothing new under the sun and that we all use the same symbols and images so it’s just arranging it in a different way to create some meaning and give continuation to the stories – lies – we have been telling to ourselves as human beings to make us more godly or divine, at least that’s what the ‘art role’ was meant to be according to what is taught in academy. Yes, though once you start finding out the nature of such ‘god’ and such elites, well, let’s just say that art can be reduced as well to the most refined form of propaganda of course and now I understand why I had such a hard time realizing that all art had been previously entirely devoted to promote religion or immortalize monarchs or peasants to remind ourselves ‘this is how it’s always been like’ in the absence of the eye that can lie as well as the photographic camera, but hey every age requires its own cementation in our minds through pictures and words, so art served that function.

 

If anything, art has been used to impose symbols, to enslave – hence the ‘mythical’ start of it for magic-religious purposes. Gee, only now I kind of realize the pieces of my puzzle and the absolute diversion I delved myself into, no wonder I was seeking gods in pictures, symbols or philosophies – all part of the ‘inherent’ (read: preprogrammed) need to have someone/something greater than us to make responsible for this entire creation – so, religion is one of the primary mind constructs we all exist as, whether you are atheist or not, it’s part of the unconscious the same way that we believe that fighting for our lives is something that makes sense, or how the rich and the poor is how things have always been and always will be. Art then became the necessary imposition of images to perpetuate religious mentality for the purpose of pacifying/stupefying and sedating individuals while threatening with the ‘wrath of god’ if anyone dared to step outside of the line – well, it was religion back in the day but now it’s just alcohol, drugs, sports, entertainment and big pharma too, but that’s our contemporary story.

 

So, it’s taken me some time to find ‘more reasons’ to write about this art subject and it’s interesting how I had to use other pieces of information to break my own spell, meaning, having to let go of the idea of art as something ‘really human’ or else, as if it was more ‘true’ than anything else we do or say, which can’t be so, because everything we have ever thought, done, spoken comes from who we are as the mind and so we have only learned how to regurgitate the same ‘system’ into pictures, ideas, stories and so reinforce our own cages, which is why understanding one’s enslavement makes it easier to let go of anything one is holding onto from ‘the past’ which is the current automated reality we are living in – it is once again to remind myself that no matter how ‘majestic’ something might look like, it was never meant to glorify or represent life or principles of equality at all, but rather the opposite.

 

An example: writers were contracted to be informed about which topics to write upon, such as space travel, futuristic technocracies, alien invasions and so with doing this, begin an entire new ‘wave of thought’ in the society through these inoffensive tools called books that then eventually turned into movies. The same with films which are formulas to instigate a particular line of thinking and making of the main topics in them something acceptable as part of culture/what goes on in our minds as well – just as it’s happened with porn appearing on ‘mainstream movies’ nowadays as well as sadomasochism made ‘cool’ and we’re on our way to make of pedophilia and all kinds of paraphilias something ‘acceptable’ so that younger generations get the idea that ‘it is okay to have sex with older people.’ This is the current nature of our culture and where we are heading to.

 

Clockwork 2003

 

 

Once again, are we only revealing and making acceptable what always has existed within us as human beings, or are we instilling new behaviors through our culture? I’d say both since we create such fixations in our minds and we simply evolve the experiences to have new contexts, new ‘ideas’ to fantasize upon and so ‘upgrade’ the experience. In the mind we function as addicts that get our ‘fix’ from having something to think about or fantasize about and the initial experiences can get us to quite a ‘high’ but then, we continue ‘pushing the envelope’ because once the energetic reaction becomes normalized (you build resistance) one seeks a greater dose. This is what I see is what we’ve all been following in the media until it becomes absolutely unsustainable or else, what is left there to continue ‘pushing the envelope’ when it comes to our celebritism? To our ‘art’? to our films other than rehashing the same stories over and over again?

 

 

Why do I see this as a very relevant topic? Because I can see myself as a product of the ‘culture’ I decided to immerse myself in, and I mean this as an actual decision I made in my teenage years to soak up the most information about music, books, arts so that I could work on that – why did this happen? It clearly happened after 2001 and the almost paranoid reaction I had toward keeping myself high on CNN watching every detail and every move after 9-11– lol just like those elections where Bush wasn’t able to be clearly defined as the next president and you’d ponder WHY was I watching that? Well, it was my idea then of becoming politically involved. But after realizing the scam it was, I then veered toward that which I thought was more liberating: arts. My very relationships and career decisions were entirely shaped by every single book I read within the starting point of finding some kind of ‘truths’ in them, seeking to identify ‘me’ through the writer’s characters without realizing I was in fact absorbing it all to then rehash it in the form of ‘my own personality.’

 

The same with the music that I developed an affinity for, the stereotypes of individuals praised as ‘artists’ and how I also even trained myself to praise crap art (not literal though) because, well everyone else seems to also like it isn’t it? Lol like my ‘favorite movement’ Abstract Expressionism and Pollock – just praised alcoholics or junkies made stars on the cover of Life Magazine, upgraded to such stardom for a very necessary political move of that time when it comes to consolidating America’s position after WW2, and this would imply that  we only get to know of the artists that somehow have also ‘agreed’ to be part of the establishment – which from my personal aspirations of ever getting to that position means that everything has always been fixed and that no one becomes that famous without hidden agendas. Who knows? Maybe Van Gogh was made such a legend because of his erratic behavior and affinity for absinthe and so, he was made famous to begin instigating  more people to get into drugs to paint in such ways too… because let’s face it: we copy and integrate everything we see around us and if we see something that works to ‘get some success’ going, then we will try and emulate it because it is part of our preprogramming to seek such specialness and ‘uniqueness’ too, and some people like myself would seek it through artistic stardom, others through becoming a stock broker which means: yes, art is not ‘outside of the system’ at all, and the star-system is the learned protocol if one wants to ‘make it’ within the system.

 

 

 modern_slave

Artwork by JL Kenney

 

I actually decided in my early teens to watch all ‘cult movies’ because I was getting myself prepared to be ‘well acculturated’ and went from Pulp Fiction, Taxi Driver, A Clockwork Orange, Scarface, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Trainspotting, Reservoir Dogs and others..  you can see the constant topics there: drugs, criminality and ultraviolence and this is what is a ‘must’ in every movie along with sex if it is to ensure its success, a perfect carrier for imprinting new behaviors which are then copied by ourselves as if it was a mint reflection of our society.  When it comes to books, reading Burroughs, lots of Kerouac, Palahniuk, Coupland while listening to depressive music saying ‘It’s too late now, It’s the devil’s way now’ and watching people like Thom Yorke get ‘depressed’ in his ultra-famous lifestyle pointing out to us that even if you have it all there’s still that depressed state residing within due to being too aware of how things really work, or be told that Kurt Cobain committed suicide for hating this world and wanting to die – which I still consider he was suicided in fact, but that’s another story –  Well no ponder I painted what I painted, I just rehashed what I would read/hear/see around me: Culture!  And nowadays it’s stronger than ever to promote being dumb and stupid as ‘cool’ and having mentality such as ‘You Only Live Once’ and justifying any form of teenage stupidity because Hey, YOLO!  Or seeing the ultra mind controlled Miley Cyrus or some ten years ago Britney Spears breaking the norm of what a ‘lady’ should act/be like and continuing to push the boundaries when it comes to ‘gender roles.’

 

Entertainment was the key influence in my life throughout the time when I was developing my own emotions and feelings which is what I eventually enjoyed ‘losing’ myself into: as a child watching too much TV, as a teenager reading many books, listening too much music from which I learned more about the human mind while developing some rather unusual fascinations with everything that pointed out toward death and destruction, which I later on transposed onto my own paintings wherein I tried to also become part of the ‘shock world’ just because I was so much against what seemed normal and acceptable, so I found my ‘niche’ in society by everything that seemed to go against the tide.  An example is the time when I placed myself to watch some ‘cult movies’ like Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs, I considered them far too violent and could not comprehend how people could revere it, however I then wanted to be part of that world, of the ‘alternative’ or the not so widely acceptable, just anything that could question or challenge what I deemed to be the ‘status quo’ or ‘what is normal’ but, I wasn’t at all aware how it is that these movies were made popular for the very purpose of making sex, drugs, ultra violence part of the mainstream and ‘normalcy’ in our consciousness. 

 

 

The same went on with A clockwork orange, I watched it a couple of times and walked through my own early digestion of the idea of violence being enjoyable for these guys and pondering if others were able to discern that such violence was not in fact something funny or enjoyable and that these guys were sick in the gulliver. However a deliberate problem here is that Kubrick didn’t include chapter 21 on Burgess’ original story, which would have given another twist to the whole plot and shown a real grown up Alex that had transcended his ultra-violent teenage years as that would have ‘broken the spell’ for a film maker that was also meant to create a ‘mark’ in an entire generation and generations to come with the portrayal of violence as something fun to do, aside from the mind control remarks in an attempt to ‘cure’ Alex’s problem, which also gives a hint of what Big Pharma means today in a ‘mentally ill’ person’s life: cure without ever pondering WHY is it that our so called ‘mental illnesses’ exist today more so than ever before, and how we could even legitimize it without any real means to test someone for it?

I guess I could write many things about all of this since it’s part of my so-called ‘visual’ education, but the point here is to realize that nothing is what it seems, there has been no real virtues in this world, we have never been actually alive so anything I ever had respect for of course was just a lie that I wanted to hold on to for some reason, which in this case it came through what I would read in magazines that was considered ‘cool’ and ‘cult movies’ and ‘movie classics’ which actually were on purpose made part of such categories so that any person would then have to watch those movies and get acquainted with the basics that make of Hollywood something profitable till this day.

Will I be able to see things with the same eyes again? No, once the lid is blown off, you can’t. It is no longer a nice story where Jane the girl in American Beauty that would kind of see through the ‘fakeness’ in reality, ‘falling  in love’ and running away with a drug dealer to ‘escape their reality’ I mean, it stops having such romantic twist to it – as I had defined it anyways, lol – and it becomes just another plot where those that could not ‘fit in the box’ become ‘outsiders’ and living in the fringe side of reality.  However I do like to keep watching/reading to continue seeing where and how we have created this mass hypnosis where we have essentially become the personas that we are sold in the media: this is the not so innocent and most pervasive brainwashing and as such, I see it is very important to become more aware of how we ‘entertain’/entrain ourselves, and not end up in denial of that which we wasted our life time on, as I did at some point in my life too when being in a constant hypnosis of watching music videos for example.

 

The point here is demonstrating how we have never genuinely created something that demonstrated an actual point of self-creation in our culture, and of course we haven’t done so because We as individuals have Never in fact considered such starting point possible within ourselves in the first place, to recognize the power and ability to create ourselves, to become better human beings. All we have ever been and done is to exist as the ‘created’ at the mercy of some invisible creator, repeating, revamping, rehashing what has been used since the beginning of time to revere its ‘unfathomable’ existence and creation.  It was in the repetition of symbols, myths & archetypes, ideologies and holy books, behaviors and morals that we have shaped ourselves around the same acceptance of oneself as the mind only and from there, confirm our ‘human nature’ and why we seem to always be so unfulfilled, so miserable, suffering all the time, the ‘pains of living’ and the ‘struggle’ to make a decent living… is this what LIFE is really about or is this what we’ve seen/read/watched it is Meant to be? We have only perverted, tainted and twisted it all further, enhancing our own separation, ignorance, apathy and overall self-destruction through the ‘creations’ we’ve pulled out as arts/media/culture – please see specifically now contemporary art/ post modernism of which I became just a part of by reproducing the same ideas around everything that I would imprint within myself on a daily basis for years on from the TV: death, destruction, decay, suffering, abuse, sexual deviance and learning how to praise this as some kind of ‘truth’ of an individual, almost learning to accept this bs as  the ‘dark side’ that we had to come to embrace and make it more evident to ‘wake up’ but, of course we’ve kind of remained in the phase of becoming enamored with our distractions, our diseases, our paraphilias and haven’t yet given the next step to outgrow it and realize it for the teenage years this implies when it comes to our stages of development as species. Sure, you can be mesmerized by how well done/crafted some works are, but again:  is the starting point of it, the essence  and intent of it something that I can consider valuable or respectable and supportive for our real development as living human beings, to consider what is best for all within the context of self-honesty? No.

 

All seeing eyes 2005

 

In a way it does mirror our reality. Contemporary art became garbage, literal garbage sold as millions, or canned poo which is the most common example of how this ‘devaluation’ or should I say the entire extrapolation of value became yet another cognitive dissonance and part of the plan when art came to form part of ‘desirable collectibles’ by the elite and making some pieces of plastic worth millions of dollars – I correct myself, billions of dollars such as Sotheby’s record sales of 5.8 billion dollars in 2011 –  making it nothing more than just any other asset for people at Wall Street to feel empowered with. It is also very cool for me to see and realize this, and come to see how all those books I read trying to make sense of ‘the movements’ or phases of human expression were nothing else but planned justifications to make it seem as some kind of ‘natural evolution’ of sorts, when in fact it has always been planned specifically to follow through within the context of how the world works at an economic and political level. Let’s not forget it is the current roles of curators and ‘art authorities’ that decide what gets ‘consecrated’ and what doesn’t –  just as in regular HIStory told by the winners, the side of the story that we are meant to adopt and accept as ‘how the story went!’ so that we keep feeding each other lies and keep revering our own masters.

 

IGod

 

 

The current success of our drugged/medicated, dumbed down, fame seeking population suffering from cognitive dissonance, while being dumbfounded at celebritism confirms the effectiveness of our own mind control, accepted, allowed and even praised. When we look at our culture, we can see nothing else but the fulfillment of our own prophecy for absolutely consensual enslavement, one that we buy and choose as part of our personalities and preferences, believing that we can somehow still manage to ‘feel special’ in a standardized society where even ‘subcultures’ or anti-cultures are part of the system, lol. From my own experience, it will take quite some time to wake up from it, as it just took me some 7 years to come to realize this because I had wanted to keep the little idea or dream that these artists were ‘special people’ that had have some genuine ‘revelations’ in their work and what they do, which is what I tried to be a part of, to be the one that could ‘see’ behind the scenes or have some special connections with god –  I am not joking here, when I started painting I also wanted to be the hand of god to reveal something special, lol. But, how could that be without even pondering first if the thoughts, the images, the concepts we had in our minds were in fact our own, including the idea/notion/speculation of GOD itself?

 

 

The same with architecture and every ‘majestic’ construction, of course it was built by slaves but I still wanted to overlook the obvious inherent purposes of such constructions as the physical consolidation of what ‘control’ and ‘power’ looked like, of accepting the existence of massive amounts of wealth to build for the elites, repeating symbols for thousands of years and as such learn it in our history books as if it represented some ‘great work’ or revelation of our ‘who we are’ as species – dismissing the fact that if anything, we could confirm that we have never in fact ceased to exist as slaves, but instead we were taught how to  revere our enslavement. We are all in fact experiencing Stockholm Syndrome and it is rather urgent that we wake up to see how through the seemingly ‘innocent’ we are driving each other to the precipice, starting with child consumerism and the archetypes fed by Disney movies, it’s definitely something to focus on if we can’t at the moment entirely straighten the rest ‘crooked trees’ right away, but children are of primary importance here.

 

I still find it very interesting when I hear someone say ‘to have thoughts of their own’ as if we had our very own copyright to everything we think or say, as if we could create words from scratch. We weren’t even aware how our tastes and preferences were being shaped by ‘the environment’/culture and our lineage/parents which means you would get into it no matter if you went to private schools or else, because having a TV, reading books, watching films, or simply being with your peers would invariably taint you with it.  Drugs were never meant to be ‘liberating’ but the other way around, they were just promoted by these people that told us to ‘tune in and drop out’ while hanging out with artists/rockstars and make everyone drool to such ‘lifestyles,’ never even pondering who was financing some of the greatest ‘rock bands’ in history and virtually any ‘star’ that we have gotten to know of. It’s very simple: if you become famous, if you ‘make it’ it mostly usually means you had to continue playing the role and tell the stories that give continuation to the agenda for further indoctrination and control. This is how we became the useful idiots as human beings that  in seeking for a piece of heaven as fame and fortune, one comes to accept certain ideologies and behaviors, sometimes it’s not even by explicit consent because we then believe that we can innovate by ‘pushing the envelope further’ and ‘be controversial’ or transgressive as if this meant going against ‘the core of control’ as ‘the system’ or religions,  but in fact it is another contained form of ‘rebellion’ to continue misleading ourselves from the actual sources of change, which doesn’t mean dropping the white dove to embrace the raven within, but the consideration of the starting point of why I do this, what motivates me, what do I get from it? Am I supporting myself within this that I am doing/creating? Is my intention to support others and myself through it?

 

Nothing of what we see currently as ‘mainstream’ In our CULTure is spontaneous either, it is manufactured, it is deliberately fixed to promote certain ‘artists’ or ‘artworks’ or ideas through TV shows, so it doesn’t genuinely reflect an ‘evolution’ because there’s NEVER been such self-directive change in our consciousness: we’ve always been herded/guided. And this is yet another aspect to de-mystify about expression and what has been promoted as some kind of ‘spiritual revelation’ in art itself or in Satanism as pop-culture is presenting now: it was never in fact meant to ever represent genuine self-expression, it’s only a chewable way to integrate mind-control and mind possession as ‘normal’ and ‘cool’ while sending any living principles out of the scene and made uncool or ‘old-fashioned.’ 

 

Sacred Mindfucks 2008

 

 

If I hadn’t stopped myself from falling down that precipice of the new age/sacred art culture that I was delving myself into some 7 years ago, I would have probably be enamored with things that Alex Grey’s paintings or aiming to at least be someone like Banksy to be an incorporated and revered form of ‘resistance’ to the system. Everything is literally ‘on our noses’ as the culture we breathe in and out every single day – and there was still a part of me that refused to entirely SEE this or more like placing it into words, as I was still holding on to keeping just this ‘little pieces of heaven’ as the ideas of who these ‘great artists’ had been, and ‘what great inspirations’ they have represented for me and yes I repeat, their work probably is/was or their ideas,  but of course it never meant a life-changing example but more of a conducted and deliberate plan to continue misleading from promoting or making actual solutions part of our ‘pop culture’ or art movements. This is why everything is so contained as if it was prescribed, it’s a preprogrammed plan as well and as such there was no real ‘innovation’ or real creativity involved but prepaid craftsmanship to advance and give specific morals, ideas, en vogue topics as the ‘new directions’ to our human culture and this is what I’m most intensely interested on these days: debunking our culture.

 

Maybe I can learn something from that Chuck Klosterman’s book I read many years ago Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs  to analyze popular culture and see how it is that our fitter-happier mentality in this capitalist ‘mediafied’ system is the ‘filter’ through which we create our relationships, how we interact with one another is entirely manufactured for a specific purpose: to become willfully ignorant and prisoners of our own diversion and distraction as we become addicted to what’s in the ‘psychosphere’/collective unconscious and be a part of our globalized mentality, which I don’t necessarily judge as ‘bad’ but only see all the points that would require to be aligned to be a supportive popular culture, and we are heading in the opposite direction at the moment.

 

So, one point to consider here is that this is in no way to blame those that apparently ‘set the agenda’ as ‘they’ were just part of the game anyways, but rather looking at how I/we accepted and allowed ourselves to become prisoners of our own diversions, of our own emotions and feelings, of our own minds while neglecting to really look at what is it that we are making of ourselves, what have we turned ourselves into and use common sense as a point of reference to see ‘where we are’ in our day to day participation: is what I like, do, follow, commit to what is best for all? Why is it that something as vital as politics and understanding of how the system really works never been part of our inherent ‘culture’? Why have we reduced politics to a mockery? Nowadays politicians seem to be more of a subject for reality shows with the same contest-like popularity mentality structure where one can ‘vote’ for the lesser of two evils and call that a civil duty – so why are no real definitions of politics as in realizing our power to direct our lives and so make effective decisions to benefit ourselves as society?  Oh no! That’s where the real threat exists! That’s why we are constantly taught to hate ‘the elite’ and ‘hate politicians’ and see them as ‘the problem’ while excluding ourselves as co-creators of the problem – that’s the Real problem in fact. And so the importance of always considering SELF-Responsibility in everything we might think or believe that only ‘a few’ are imposing ‘upon us.’ It is as simple as realizing that there would be ‘no culture’ if we – one by one – didn’t actively participated in it.

DSC01882

 

I remember this text of about 50 pages on what ‘Culture’ is when I was in junior high school and now I would reduce the definition of culture to the industry of making behavioral imprints part of a person’s individual and collective identity for the purpose of maintaining old-age status quo with the appearance of evolution or progress while creating a paradigm of ideologies that perpetuate the divide and conquer mentality through the mechanisms of entertainment and arts, which are intended to standardize thinking, behavioral, emotional and feeling patterns in the masses. There has never really been an evolution, but only a change of scenario with words that would indicate ‘progress’ while missing out on the actual newspeak this ‘progress’ entails. How can there be any progress when we still leave out billions of individuals from having access to the most essential needs to live in dignity, such as water, food, shelter, healthcare? This is also to place into perspective in which kind of segmented bubbled mentality we exist in when praising the lavish lifestyles of our rich and famous while disregarding and deliberately ignoring the real problems we have come to accept as ‘normal’ in our world.

 

 Common Sense and Principled Living to consider Life in Equality and What’s Best for All in everything we do/act/speak is what we don’t yet  learn in school and this is why it is so important to start debunking everything we had used as an excuse to justify ‘who we are’ and our ‘human nature’ within ‘culture,’ because culture is still man-made, it is NOT something inherent to our physical bodies, it is not in the air we breathe, it is not in the food we eat – no matter how contaminated or GMO’d it can be – it is all about who we are in the mind and what we decide to participate in. Human Nature and ‘Culture’ have become the greatest excuses as to why it is apparently ‘impossible to change’ now, it is a comfortable lie we like to tell ourselves, so we have to being there before attempting to call others ‘liars’ isn’t it? That’s where self-integrity and self-honesty begins.

 

It’s time to debunk my own perceptions of what art was supposed to be and to understand that even if I had the intention to ‘see beyond the veil’ the very fact that I wanted to hold on to some apparent ‘good’ things I had believed were a virtue in some individuals and human creations like in art made me want to hold on to certain aspects of my own cultural conditioning from which I developed my personality, my taste in men, the lifestyle I wanted, the kind of music, TV, books and everything that I previously regarded as , ‘the who I am’ within the social-soup of reality which is the way I shaped myself to be as who I am as my mind. I bet that everyone can relate to identifying oneself to one character in a movie, in a book, or with some artist and even emulate the way they lived their lives or trying to mimic ‘how they got to make it’ in the world. Another example of this manufacturing of culture is how suddenly certain things would become available and so ‘openly’ talked about in the mainstream like with the hippie movement and psychotropic drugs, sexual openness, the apparent female empowerment and the tune in-drop out ‘living’ mode which gave another step toward the new age movement. Little did I know there was nothing really ‘special’ about that in the sense of human consciousness suddenly ‘evolving’ or us finding some kind of ‘gate’ to the heavens lol, but instead it is about seeing how these were specific experiments conducted by the CIA to precisely get an entire generation interested on drugs, spirituality and the ‘unseen’ as well as feeding addictions rather than ever getting closer to finding out real ways to make of our lives in this world-system better, such as politics or becoming familiarized with the ways the money system operates, who decides how we conduct our social-programs, why do we we even limit ourselves in our economic systems and so forth.

 

 art-should-be

 

 

There have been many, many things that have suddenly become a point of focus and attention in our lives, because it is constantly talked about of and/or advertised and so we diminish ourselves to be receptors and regurgitate what we watch on mainstream media, and then ponder why ‘everyone’s talking about…..’ similar topics. Well, there’s no magic in that. I made the experiment myself some years ago when I deliberately would not watch anything about pop culture, I didn’t even know who Lady Gaga was until late 2010 and dared to listen to the music, but before that I only got to know of the name and person through the covers of magazines that I would see while making a line in the supermarkets in South Africa. So, it is possible to be ‘out of the loop’ of course if you step outside of mainstream TV, radio and not visit such pop culture websites. However because right now we are so plugged into everything that is constant ‘news’ and celebritism, you get to know of these individuals whether you like it or not, it’s just all over and one can ignore it, but you can’t avoid seeing the pictures everywhere. So this is how we move ourselves en masse to keep enticing  ourselves to upscale our own obsessions and diversions from ever considering what it is that our lives would be without such entertainment? Maybe we would start actually focusing on why we have to constantly suffer, strive and really exist as slaves that only worry about money and fearing to lose our jobs.

 

It is essential to get ourselves out of this survival mode if we want to ever get to a point of providing to each other a dignified living, and most of the time we rather have a joystick between our hands or hypnotize ourselves with Netflix marathons rather than taking some of the multiple sources in the internet and start scratching the surface to understand why do we live in such a dog-eat-dog world? How have we created this nature of the system? What can we do about it? Which would in fact then be us realizing that politics IS what should have always been part of our culture, it IS what should have always formed part of our essential education: to realize each one of us has the power to create oneself and as such direct our reality in a way that is beneficial for all.

So, by saying this we can already see that we have been ‘living’ in a deliberately concealed or fabricated version of our reality to precisely Not dig into these topics, to Not see behind the glitter and glam that we are constantly fed with by the surreal lives portrayed on television.  So, this all indicates to myself that as I now see, realize and understand with more clarity than ever before, it is my responsibility as a human being, as part of this creation and part of the problem to support myself and be a point of support for others that also want to start taking the veil off of their eyes. This is the real apocalypse time, the time of revealing to ourselves all the lies we have bought and sold as ‘our culture’ for example, and how it is this very ‘culture’ that has become the very virus we all get infected with by getting high on the experiences we choose to get from it, getting lost in the fantasy realm of the fictions that serve for multiple purposes leading to a greater distraction and diversion from ever considering doing something more substantial to really change the world.

 

It is so true to say that the real revolution won’t be televised, and everything that once was ‘revolutionary’ or ‘alternative’ becomes mainstream and so gets sucked into the system again, nor do I mean the type of revolution with guns, protests and machetes – but the revolution of who we are as our minds. So, I do not actually oppose getting mainstream if these ideas proposed here start becoming the usual awareness of how this world really operates; in fact, the more and more we start collectively seeing this, the more and more difficult it will be to buy just any lie, to fall for the same Hollywood crap we are sold in order to upgrade and instill ‘new ideas’ of what we are meant to be thinking about now. There’s nothing new really, we have reached the end of ‘creativity’ and it is now the time to start creating a New Living Culture of Life, one where we make of self-responsibility a necessity to coexist in dignity, a culture of principles where we can support each other to live and stop losing ourselves in emotional mindfucks and enhancing our obsessions.

Our human nature has never certainly been benevolent, but praising its malevolence will only get us further down the hole. So if I see this, if you see this: it is us that have to change how culture is created nowadays. And how to do this? You may ask, well, it’s not to merely ‘change’ what is created, but changing ourselves, changing who we are as the creators and participants in this reality which will determine the nature of our creations, that’s the real birthing as life creative process we’re talking about here, and I want YOU to join us in it.

 

 

 

I forgive myself that I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that all aspects of what I had called ‘culture’ as a way to ennoble ourselves as human beings was in fact nothing else but the show off of our very core programming, all based on personalities that were in fact also used to give continuation to certain ‘phases’ in our own mind control or self-awareness diversions such as books, music, films that I once believed were a ‘reflection’ of ourselves –  and they are – however they also were in fact great instruments of conditioning and imprinting of certain behaviors and ways of looking at the world to the point where every person that has had contact with this ‘culture’ of watching movies or reading books or ‘admiring’ artists has had that point of self-identification toward them as if they represented something noble in fact to copy or integrate as a role model or something to aspire to – which might be in certain cases – but in my own experience this is how I learned to be comfortable with violence, decay and pushing the boundaries of what I would deem as ‘acceptable’ based on the idea that the more the envelope was being pushed within me, the more ‘in’ or ‘Avant-garde’ I could become myself, which is nothing else but just having pushed myself to make even the most hideous things ‘acceptable’ and part of subcultures which I did had a reticence to accept as ‘normal’ yet, because of seeing the amount of people that would like certain kind of images or personalities or so called paraphilias, then I believed that we had to embrace our ‘evil’ or our ‘dark side,’ and all of this knowing within myself that it wasn’t really ‘okay’ but because it is part of our society then, I made it ok on purpose so as to not seem ‘out of the loop’ with what my ‘culture’ seemed to be moving on to.

 

Something that I begun noticing from the time that I began watching cable TV which is 20 years ago, is that at least in something like MTV everything started becoming more and more outrageous to the point of scandalous and plain degenerated, however it was made ‘cool’ because of the idea of ‘art’ and ‘avant-garde’ and post-modernism and all of these tags that I actually believed were pretty much ‘in tune’ with what we are witnessing in our societies, not realizing that within looking at what was first the chicken or the egg, they simply represented more ways to continue ‘shocking’ ourselves and accepting violence, depravation, sexual morbidity, the lack of any values as something that was part of ‘my generation’ and so actually beginning to also see myself as part of that ‘lostness’ that was portrayed everywhere and the lostness that sought to get high, to have sex, to ‘live life’ through alcohol and feeling like there is no way out in this life other than becoming a junky or ultimately commit suicide as it was staged to be seen from some of our generation’s pop-culture heroes like Kurt Cobain  – I mean all of these personality traits somehow I felt Identified with it to the point wherein you can look at my book collection, and a great amount of them will have the topic of drugs, dharma bums, of spiritual outcasts, off-griders, shockers like Miller, Burroughs, Ellis, Bukowski and the usual Sartre just to make myself push my own boundaries. No matter how much they seemed to ‘tell the truth’ it could also be them supporting these personalities and making them ‘known’ to everyone else as ‘how the youth is’ which is a double way to portray reality and reinforce the same patterns/behaviors/traits which are not necessarily self-supportive. I didn’t find any ‘truth’ or practical self-supportive views on life in them – the same as with Coupland or Palahniuk’s book through which I would rather confirm my supposed state of ‘outcastism’ I caged myself in, no matter how much I enjoyed them, it was all just programming reinforcement – all of it just served as sugar for my personalities, to upgrade them and upgrade the addiction.

“Outcasts may grow up to be novelists and filmmakers and computer tycoons, but they will never be the athletic ruling class.”
Chuck Klosterman, Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto

 

There you go, our ‘truths’ made quotes.

 

 

Here’s to my process of self-debrainwashing:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever define myself according to the characters I enjoyed in books, the artists and their attitudes such as standing ‘against the system’ while actually denigrating themselves to a low-lifestyle just to ‘not depend on a government’ for example, which is just the same mentality of ‘the dreamers’ and the people that so-called could stand ‘free’ or ‘be the resistance’ and ‘never fit in’ through creating art, without realizing that this mentality of ‘the outcasts’ – of which I read several books on – the ‘rebels,’ the ‘anti-system’ musicians, the depressive mentalities that I became so engulfed in to the point where I missed my own life while just becoming addicted to feeling ‘down’ wherein I have found it difficult to allow myself to enjoy myself, just because of how much I reinforced my pessimism, my gloomy view on life based on the types of preferences that I developed as a child from age 7 and on, within the idea that this was the ‘cool stuff’ that I had to make myself like that ‘fringe’ side of reality just because I initially would be shocked by it to the point wherein I would go from the fear/shock to the attraction and then integration of it as part of ‘who I am.’ In this I was aware how I went ‘pushing my own envelope’ for the purpose of being special, being unique since people my age as my peers weren’t ‘into the stuff’ that I was into back then, which made me feel that I could see beyond the happy-go-lucky mentality and that somehow the dark and mysterious was ‘more real,’ which in a way it is just defining myself according to the good/bad essential separation mentality in which we have caged ourselves throughout ages, to always be in conflict with one another and within ourselves.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was being ‘true to myself’ by being a rather pessimist person and with an obscure view on life based on what I saw was also ‘con-firmed’ by others like writers, musicians, filmmakers that I believed could ‘understand me’ but in fact we were all just acting out on our emotions and feelings and not really doing anything else other than what we were meant to do, such as feeling helpless to do anything for our lives and world, following our preprogrammed personalities while using ‘culture’ as a way to justify our copy-paste of ‘trends,’ personalities, ideas, beliefs, preferences and then! Even dare to create relationships based on these preferences, which is something I did and that I consider many people do, which is once again only creating relationships and ideas of ourselves based on what has kept the entire ‘show’ running as is without opening up real possibilities for change, because in holding on to this so-called ‘art’ and ‘culture’ I was in fact limiting myself from seeing the actual potential we have as real self-creation, which is then stopping following ‘the leaders’ and ‘trends’ that are manufactured or trying to ‘fit into’ certain personalities, but instead focus on changing the starting point of everything we do/act/speak on, changing our lives from copycats to self-creative individuals without any need for ‘external reinforcement’ to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to focus on all ‘the bad’ and that which I believed we refused looking at or realizing as a way to ‘wake us up’ but now, that’s also become part of ‘the norm’ and so developing a kind of ‘resistance’ or immunity to any form of shock, which is why I realize that utilizing images to shock even more is just not doing the work any longer. This is then about developing new ways that involve thinking out of the box as in thinking outside of the morality of the good vs. the bad and start focusing on living principles within our self-creative abilities.

I realize that in order to create any life-supportive art, the creator itself must walk through this deconstruction process him/herself so that one is deliberately then willing to contribute with one’s words, action to the creation of a world that is best for everyone as our common aim at this moment in our world. And this will imply also the exposure of the fallacies that we have revered as our history, and so forgiving that past fuckup and see it for the propaganda that it was as a creation of ‘the winners’ in the world, and so build a new culture of life that involves self-education, self-improvement through learning more about what it means to live within Self-Honesty and learn how to honor each other as life. This is not ‘uncool’ this is what we have pushed ourselves to see as ‘uncool’ or ‘outdated’ but that’s the key to a genuine change in our mentality and so in our reality.  We need books, we need films, we need music, we need plays, we need visual works that can be tools of support for this process of self-revelation or ‘the revelation’ process which can also expose the art of the past for what it was, what was its purpose, its consequences and so make each other aware that we have collectively used something as culture to continue ‘pushing the envelope’ and not questioning further the type of fascinations or addictions that we simply came to ‘embrace’ as part of our lives as that would make us ‘avant-garde’ or ‘keeping up with our times’ in the illusion of progress, which were in fact fabricated for the purpose of preventing us from actually focusing on that which matters, which is getting to know ourselves, developing self awareness and becoming individuals that can genuinely break the patterns from the past in all aspects of ourselves as there is nothing I can hold any form of respect, devotion or admiration from ‘our culture’ in the past, because we didn’t use it to share with each other how to actually live and become our fullest potential as species.

I now understand this ‘letting go’ of something that I had wanted to hold on to as part of my self-definition. And I can see that this is part of the ‘programming’ that I had to shed over time which in itself is part of my process in order to not only see it as ‘preprogramming’ but understanding how this culture that I had become fond of was never meant to support ourselves and each other to realize ourselves as life. This is what we have conditioned each other to by our own acceptance and allowance and such, it is now when I decide to understand more about the world-system picture so that I stop revering that which was never meant to be supportive for life.

 

 

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Support yourself to learn more about the Culture of LIFE:


404. Deconstructing Culture as Myself

 

As I continue my self-investigation it seems that realizing the fact that we all have been preprogrammed individuals following a very specific ‘plan’ that involved conditioning ourselves to become a certain role/personality in our minds and never question it,  wasn’t still completely grasped within me when it comes to seeing culture and how it has been specifically designed to support particular agendas that have led to various ‘cultural movements’ that within me I still wanted to believe were attempts of us as human beings trying to ‘break-through’ or ‘break-free’ – lol – but mostly managing to break ourselves further through imprinting certain behaviors, ideas, concepts, morals, ‘world vision’ that became actual distractors in the sense that none of these points would be useful or supportive for a genuine change in this world, but instead it was the patterning and standardization of what we would think, what we would understand as ‘freedom’ and what we would find entertaining or alluring in our lives, which is also containing the ways in which we see/define/categorize and think ourselves and everyone/everything else, which is mind control through the most ‘subtle means’ such as television/media/arts and everything that is usually reached by the average person, even if such person doesn’t go to school for example.

 

All of this was part of the ‘greater plan’ to be perpetually enslaved to our own constant desire to experience, to be ‘hooked on energy’ so to speak which is what we accepted as our every day living, our every day ‘drive’ and motivation to go to work, do the exact same things every day to earn a living and then come home and be able to relax while getting ‘updated’ on ‘what is going on in our minds’ which is what then becomes part of your passive indoctrination into new fascinations, new obsessions, new desires to consume, body types, new personalities, new things to essentially get ourselves occupied with in our minds which became a self-inflicted way to accept and allow ourselves to dive into complacency of how this system operates, since we mostly came to conclude that ‘As long as I can have my free time to do whatever I like doing to relax and entertain myself and those around me are protected ($),  who cares whatever else is going on in the world?’ – we even have gotten to the point of praising our enslavement by idolizing those that we have accepted and allowed as ‘masters’ in our world and gullibly thinking that we can someday reach/rich ‘that top’… without realizing the system is structured to not allow anyone else to get to such positions, but be constantly reminded ‘they can’ if they just hit the jackpot like stars do nowadays with reality shows, singing contests and whatnot. It’s All around us and no matter if kids are homeschooled, kids will still be having a TV, internet, peers that will simply be also the product of all of this so, we have to establish principles in order to direct ourselves within it and so the younger more impressionable minds too.

 

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In my case I linking what should have been rather obvious to me from the time that I became more ‘acquainted’ with TV at the age of 7, specifically cable TV and American TV Channels. But also from the books that I read throughout my teenage years, I was still holding on to them and the writers as proof of what I believed was an attempt of us to ‘breakthrough’ or ‘step out of the system’ when it comes to human creativity and other creations like music, fine arts, films – all of the ‘marvels’ of the world that I once saw myself being ‘inspired by’ in order to overcome my own inner conflict which was in fact first of all created by everything that I began watching on TV as I had no actual ‘worries’ in my life as such. I can say I am a genuine product of spending childhood watching MTV for example. So, I’ve been finding out how it is that these ‘artists’ were in fact used or let’s place it in a more tangible way: their own creativity was rather used in order to further certain agendas related to ‘pushing the envelope’ when it comes to instilling ‘new’ ideas, personalities, fantasies, personalities, ‘ideologies’ and even addictions within people, all of it paid with what is called fame and fortune wrapped in the package of ‘celebritism’ or artistic personalities or eccentrics that portrayed the apparent ‘perfect ways’ to ‘escape the system’ – to present the illusion of ‘yes, anyone can get to the top!’ or ‘Anyone can beat the system and escape!’  and bam! There I went, right into it as far as I could when I was into aiming at doing/becoming like certain personalities and doing what they did and living their life.

 

Now within this there’s also a point to consider how it is not only some evil cabal’s plan to complete their ‘great work’ and have all these stereotypes, morals, behaviors, ideas being imprinted in everyone’s minds through manufacturing culture and all of us believing that artistic manifestations were evidence of ‘man’s evolution’ – which in essence as such, evolution is just consciousness upgrading itself, which means there’s no real Self-Awareness in it, just new ‘trends’ that could be sold to people in an attempt to fulfill the constant desire to progress, to advance, to ‘become better’ – lol – not realizing we haven’t ‘evolved’ an iota from the moment of our creation, only the scenarios have changed and we have seen our ‘technology’ create the illusion that we have changed, but we haven’t, at all.

 So this is to understand that the history we have been taught in schools of course is taught by the winners, those that have created the wars and have perpetuated the idea of how a god would choose who the monarchs would be, and so forth – all of it which was usually ‘backed’ by the evidence of artistic creations used as another alibi to confirm certain theories of our evolution. But in reality, a lot of it has been transfixed in order to suit certain theories to, once again, advance certain notions of evolution, of real change and human refinement, simply to continue justifying what we have as ‘arts’ today which have mostly become part of the dumbification or downgrading of ourselves as individuals in order to promote carelessness, apathy, destruction, chaos, mental disorders, the destruction of any value or principle but only shock and disturb to such an extent that it becomes a ‘norm’ nowadays in what we call our entertainment, which is really entrainment.

Once we get to know of the actual history – through currently non-institutionalized sources of course – of how our culture has been engineered as a necessary tool of propaganda to back the ‘story’ of ‘how things are/how they have been’ and paving the way to ‘how things will be’ there is no doubt that we are continuing to lock ourselves in these ideals based on what we get/absorb from the media/environment around us, which is nothing else but the same mind patterns made ‘enjoyable’ just like junk food that one can get addicted to: it tastes good, you then crave for it but nevermind really getting to know about the lack of nutritional content.  In essence our culture has become the glorification and legitimization of ‘our human nature’ as ‘who we are as the mind,’ separated from reality into the fictional stories that we could spend our entire lifetime creating of ourselves as personalities, as ‘characters’ in our own ‘movie’ that we actually begun thinking we had to create as ‘our lives’ and ‘our relationships.’ It’s been very interesting to me to see my own brainwashing and how my own relationships, my own thoughts/ideas/fixations were all imprints that I took from music, music videos, books, TV shows and essentially immersing myself in a culture that I wanted to belong to at the time – American Culture – because of loathing ‘my own culture’ which is what I had then perceived as the low-life Mexican Culture and as such never realizing I was actually then going to be my own reference as to ‘who one becomes’ when continually watching American TV, which I did for the most part from age 7 till probably 15-16 or so.

 

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CULTure is the perfect way to entrain ourselves into consciousness, ‘what everyone is thinking about’ and ‘what’s talked about’ which comes in the form of our news, TV shows, movies, music, etc. containing components as behaviors, personalities, thinking patterns, fashion, attitudes, morals, obsessions, addictions, etc. – all of it having ‘profitable’ purposes but goes beyond that and into the necessary role of providing the ‘circus for the masses’ to ensure that this time, the Holy Roman Empire does not fall for not giving enough bread and circus to the people. One only has to have a look around us and see that it’s easier to talk to someone about a TV show than politics or economics; it’s easier to strike a conversation with someone about a movie than it is to discuss our emotionally driven tendencies to buy products as way to compensate for some kind of ‘emotional need.’ Culture has always been the way to perpetuate a mindset, a way to legitimize ‘how life is lived’ and ‘how things are done,’ what is ‘cool’ and what is not, which essentially consolidates our usually used as an excuse to not change ‘human nature’ – culture is its own PR campaign that we are then taught in schools as part of our history and ‘ethics’ so that we are reminded that ‘there’s ALWAYS been someone at the top of the food chain, there’s ALWAYS been slaves that are disempowered, deal with it, try to always aim at the top and enjoy the show while it lasts.’

Currently if one cannot see the actual agendas for further depravity, lack – because they were never ‘lost’ of any living principles and the ‘Do as Thou Wilt’ mentality to give continuation to our ‘age old’ culture, one must be very, very brainwashed – not to worry though, it’s not too late yet. Nowadays sexual depravity is the ‘norm’ when it comes to the idea of ‘sexual liberation’ and female empowerment means stripping down in front of crowds and being praised by millions as some kind of ‘queen.’ Another example is how within our ingrained desire to ‘feel free’ the idea of ‘the rebel’ or the ‘anti-system’ became part of the social engineering process to always contain and control any form of actual break-through within individuals, which is the predictable way of acting if you see that something is ‘not right’ and your are being abused, you then aim and attempt to ‘break free’ from the oppressor by opposing, judging, antagonizing and denying it, revolting against it which are all the ‘anti’ movements that have become part of the systematic and predictable antithesis processes to actually Contain the people within such stance/roles and behaviors for which ‘the system’ as we have all co-created it was always ready to thrown back some ‘solution’/synthesis to further control. It’s just following what Lenin said in the lines of If you want to control the opposition, take the head of it, and you can see that all ‘leaders’ and role models in arts and so-called revolutionary people have been also part of perpetuating the same status quo, even if they were not aware of.

 

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To prove this point in terms of realizing how our culture has not been one that supports life, I bet that you have most likely never seen a movie pointing out how life is not about participating in our own mind as thoughts, emotions or feelings… or becoming self-responsible, or empowering each other to become the actual directors of our lives, of how poverty could be eradicated if we all partake in political solutions – not just one lucky good-doer leader here and there – not at all, instead we create the opposite and as such, it becomes what occupies our mind at a conscious level, it’s what suits our ‘human nature’ which is that of blame, vengeance, victimization…  just look at V for Vendetta that became the brainwashing mechanism for everyone at Occupy Wall street believing they had some kind of ‘power’ to oust ‘the bankers’ while seeking revenge – lol, fascinating how MOVIES are in fact dictating how we even ‘revolt’ nowadays, isn’t it? Not to mention the masks that became part of protests since 2011 and specifically the ‘anonymous movement’ are copyrighted to Time Warner, thank you for your contribution to one of the five top corporations that run the media in this world – wink, wink. How have we accepted and allowed to become SO predictable and SO Brainwashed and still fall for it? Easy, the same culture has become the only ‘soup of thoughts’ we all swim in.

 

 

This is precisely WHY ‘going against the system’ is just becoming the predictable pattern within the foreseeable attempts to ‘break free’ from our minds which is just playing the role of becoming the dark pole to the white counterpart or ‘going in the opposite direction,’ confirming our ‘dialectic’ predictable mentality that was also part of what ‘great philosophers’ left on Earth…  it is really only giving a name to the mechanisms in which we operate in our own minds – no big discovery, only making visible what we already exist as in our polarity mind-constructs of good and bad, right and wrongs, positive and negatives caging ourselves into oblivion within Energy and the illusion of ‘breaking free’ – all of it being the ‘building blocks of the illusion’ that we can call culture formed by the massive distribution and repetition of ideologies, images, sounds = all created in and as the image and likeness of who we are as the mind and its mechanisms, hence the importance of knowing thyself and becoming Aware of what one thinks, what principles one lives by, how we created our personality, what are our goals in life and where did we take those ideals from? Why do we dress a particular way? Why do we like a particular set of movies? Why do we Feel differently toward things, people, places, music …. There are so many theories and attempts to debunk the origin of our culture and all I can remember from it is that as human history it ends up when ‘hitting a wall’ where no man has gone beyond – before 2006 – and attributing everything to god or a creator and as such, for example seeing the origin of art as having some kind of magical-religious purposes…. Oh yes, that means core programming for enslavement within the idea of ‘higher someone’ dictating everything we do and because we could not understand it, we came to draw it or paint it or sculpt it so that it would later on become our way to solidify the same plot of what we have come to accept and allow as ‘how things have always been,’ and even learned how to revere it as well! That is us at the dawn of our species, and that is still us at the time as well. No evolution has taken place whatsoever.

 

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Coming back to my own case here, it’s cool and rather necessary for me to debunk what I see I had wanted to hold on to as some kind of belief in ‘human creativity spark’ or a bit of ‘romanticism’ when It comes to human expression and sure, the works and creations themselves can still be very well done, but it’s definitely not something ‘special’ or as an attempt to ‘break through’ some kind of programming – lol –  it’s rather the opposite. Once one starts seeing and understanding the ‘big picture’ and how these personalities or built-up stars play a role within the whole scheme and get to understand who paid them, for what purpose, within the context of which agenda, any remains of romanticism or ‘out of the box’ hopes upon artists just goes down to the drain as it should, because it was never ‘real’ anyways, it was never intended to honor and support life, so why praising something or someone that I personally only used to confirm my own existence as a mind consciousness system that absorbed all of this knowledge and information to further myself down my own mythological rabbit whole? It’s pointless.

To me this is a bit ‘late’ to realize in my process with such clarity, but better later than ever breaking through yet another ‘layer’ within the experiences, ideals and fascinations held within me as part of ‘my personality’ created in the image and likeness of the illusion; what I mean by ‘illusion’ are my experiences, my own responses toward certain artists, books, films, arts in general which means, how I FEEL and how I would See myself in relation to ‘what is of this world’ and what ‘suit’ I wore most of the time to be in it. I also see that I can apply this same realization to any other point or aspect in reality toward which I had held some ‘special value’ upon and instead see it  within self-awareness for what it physically is,  realizing that there’s no ‘grandeur’ in anything in this reality at the moment that I could genuinely ‘praise,’ because everything that we’ve ever done as humanity and our ‘culture’ specifically has been engineered within the context of our preprogrammed reality, of revering the mind and system that it is in our outside world – but never life which is what I actually ended up doing for myself: I found ‘my place’ in the world in a comfortable cage where – If I had continued down my ‘preprogrammed path’ – I could not at all have affected real change, because arts as I now see, in order to become really ‘famous’ and revered, you cannot genuinely destabilize the status quo, and so all the people I admired and I believed made some advancements really only landed themselves in jails or ended up as drug addicts, alcoholics, committed suicide or fell for the path of fame and glory as it is still apparently ‘too hard to refuse’ when you can sign a pact with the devil to get everything you want and ‘make it’ in this dog-eat-dog world. We have all become preys of our own emotions, feelings, desires and wants, yet we believe that that is the key to a fulfilling life, to ‘get it all’ when it is in fact that way in which we are imprisoning us all at the moment, disregarding the fact that if I take more for me, I am in fact leaving another without any.

This is a lengthy point to me as I chose to and wanted to become part of culture as a creator of it, so I chose to study a career dubbed as ‘creator of culture’ which is arts, visual arts and for the most part I’ve seen how ‘arts’ in general are being used as the circus to entertain, to further decay, to instill new ‘ideologies’ and ideas with which we most likely end up much worse that we already are doing in our overall human decay we’re living in. This too can be changed and I see this IS the point I can certainly do not only for myself, but for anyone else that’s realizing the same propaganda-role that art has taken throughout our known history of it.

 

So, this is not over yet, it’s only just begun. I would actually challenge and/or suggest to you reading this to look at which character either from a film or book, what artist you idolized or ‘wanted to emulate’ for some reason and why, what kind of ideology from a certain movie or series you could ‘identify’ with and decided to make it your own by becoming/acting/speaking/wanting to look like someone you saw on the TV, a film, a book character, an artist, etc. The more and more we start considering the seemingly subtle ways in which our behavior and what we claimed to be ‘our own personality’ has been influenced by the media and entertainment we participate on a constant basis, the more we will be able to realize to what extent we are STILL accepting and allowing the continuation of the problems in this world by realizing that our current culture is not one of self-support and honoring each other as life, as equals – but instead we are using it to perpetuate and upgrade our own alienation from the matters that should have always been part of our culture, which begins with self-awareness of who we are in ourselves as our mind and How we are contributing to the creation or destruction of our reality with the ways we act, speak, think within our lives and toward others.

 

This will continue …

 

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Are you mind controlled? Test yourself here:


397. Come and Stop Worrying about Money & Children with us

Commentary on the Documentary ‘Come and Worry With Us’ featuring the band ‘Thee Silver Mt. Zion’

 

 

Many times I used to say that ‘Music had saved my life,’ and I never questioned that much about the actual lives that musicians have. I probably was ‘happy’ to imagine that they made a good amount of money to be living well after having so many fans and so many shows but today I got to realize that that’s not the case and in a way it does give me yet another reason to implement a new way of living where no one should ever have to suffer, be existing in constant worry, fear and anxiety that comes from living in plain survival-mode when trying to ‘make it’ in this world in an honest manner, which is impossible in a system that is forged with the idea of success as the ultimate goal and neglecting how it currently is – most of the times – achieved only through the effective abuse and control imposed upon others, which means having to cheat, lie, deceive, be dishonest and selfish to be able to make it ‘that far’ without questioning why it is that not everyone can achieve such ‘high standards’ in the society? Why is there no real equal opportunity? why is this ‘successful living’ rather sold to us as this magnanimous lifestyle that is actually unsustainable if we all had the same ability to live in such a lavish modality – this means: it’s not meant to be part of what real life is meant to be in fact.

The documentary Come Worry With Us is an example of how one of my favorite bands actually live like in terms of ‘lifestyle’ and financial woes with the amount of money they earn, which is certainly a lot less than what I would have expected which my assumption of them being a ‘famous band’ therefore not ever having to worry about paying their bills – and here this should apply to Everyone – but this is specifically to debunk the ideas we also create around ‘the rich and the famous’ where not all ‘famous’ people really make ‘a lot of money’ as one could imagine.

Specifically here Godspeed You! Black Emperor and its offshoot Thee Silver Mount Zion are bands that I could have identified as the perfect soundtrack for everything that I could only probably only paint and try to ‘picture’ in frames: a desolate decadent world that is going down the drain, seeing nothing else but death and destruction and the perfect soundtrack for ‘the end of times,’ as well as being what can be defined as a ‘political band’ when it comes to denouncing warfare and the general deception in the political realm at the moment.  But something changed in the life of the common member of both bands Efrim Menuck: he’s got a child now and so he realized that he had to ‘stop his own cynicism’ about life/the world and himself as now there is a person he’s brought into this world that should grow up to live in a better world than the one he is currently living in. I fully agree with this, and even if I don’t have children, every time I would see pregnant women or know of children being born I would create this inner fear almost sadness for them coming to this world that we are abusing and depleting faster than it could ever ‘replenish’ itself, while doing nothing to stop the ongoing destructive trend.

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How many times do we say: ‘we require creating a better future for our kids’? It is saddening to see every single day news and articles of the kind of atrocities that are created toward children just because parents can’t afford taking good care of them – from dumping them on the garbage, abandoning them, giving them to adoption or having to make them work too and support with paying the basic needs at home. If there’s something I could worry about this life is precisely whether the little ones will have clean water to drink, clean air to breathe, whether they will be able to run around the streets and riding bikes and going out to playgrounds… or if they are going to be genuinely supported to their utmost potential at schools, whether their parents will be stable enough to raise them – huge point of concern – whether they are going to be having healthier ways of entertaining themselves, healthier eating habits – which are taught at home/ and through culture – whether they can in fact stop copying the fears, the mentality of the parents, whether they can in any way escape the generational sins that we’ve created in absolute selfishness because we believed that ‘it wasn’t going to be us facing the consequences,’ well, here we are, look around you and within you.

 

I would certainly not want anyone to suffer in this world, yet it is all I could always notice around me, or maybe it’s because it is existent as me and in everyone else: abuse, ignorance to the reality of how we create this world based on our absence of care, of presence to direct ourselves in our lives and relate to each other in a supportive manner.

In my case, all I could ever paint was suffering and I didn’t even know why because I had a good life compared to many that really have no support in this world. I do remember a phase in my life when I was around 9-10 years old where my father had a big problem at work, someone bought a lot of merchandise from him and ran away with it using a bad check – and we were almost broke and hearing about the fact that our house, that patrimony that my father was so proud about as ‘our property’ could be lost – the sheer thought of that frightened me a lot at night, the worry, sadness and frustration from seeing my father so depressed, so down, so worried and so angry as that was the only way he could exert his inner frustration about the legal situation and never ever getting that money back. This affected us all at home and I endured what it was to conform with having the basics and learned how to not to ask for more than what I truly required.

I remember at times thinking that if I didn’t exist any longer they could save the money from my food, my healthcare, my school which was a great effort since it was a good private school, I knew they were doing the effort to secure my future, to give me the best – and I know that every single parent wants the best for their children – but most nowadays cannot afford it at all, no matter how self-willed they have: there is simply no structural support to make those at the bottom of the pyramid scheme to rise. This is structural violence and children are meant to somehow accept that they are born into poverty, that mom and dad have to work 12 hours a day considering the commuting times and so children are raised by daycare employees, by internet and television, by mass-norms at school that are designed to also make them obedient and complacent workers and get to be just like mom and dad: workaholics by necessity, not by choice – or else, there is no guaranteed survival – this is the current violence we are inherently accepting in our everyday living, threatening each other’s life – we have to also recognize we’ve done this to ourselves by leaving the system in the hands of a few.

 

Nowadays I see the direct consequences where I live of how poverty affects families in a very pervasive manner. To me this place is ‘temporary,’ but for many it is the place and environment they are born into, it is the people they will marry and have their children with and also die in until the last days knowing to do nothing else but to work, drink every weekend, have ‘parties’ and pretend that life is fine while going back every Monday to earn the bread with the sweat of their brow the rest of the week, hoping for something or someone like a president to finally change their lives.

The frustration that parents create at work which is based on the threat of losing their job/not making enough money becomes the constant experience that parents then in turn become toward their children, toward their partners and so toward the world: a survivalist mentality that cannot be stable, here, present, enjoying life because of always being tensed, worried and anxious about getting the next paycheck to pay all the bills.

 

Jessica and Efrim discussing finances

Come Worry With Us (2013)

 

We are all currently required to break our illusions behind the usual question of ‘who would you like to be when you grow up?’ and then growing up and realizing that was just a dream, a fantasy, an ideal promoted to us to keep us completely separated from acknowledging the reality: this current world-system is designed to keep dreams on heavy rotation, to keep fueling the hope, the illusions, the wishing and desiring for the most hedonist lifestyle possible, a promised reality that never seems to just manifest into reality and it won’t for sure – nor do I personally consider it should ever, unless we actually work on creating such stability for all and make it sustainable for every other living being in this planet: environment, animals, humans, everyone.

Efrim explains in the documentary how he is part of the last generation that was promised a great future and from there on, we all got the opposite. It’s true, the first year in literature school we got told we were not there to ‘be writers’ and be creative, but to learn the hard-knocks of the science of analyzing literature and how we would barely make a buck with that – in art school we got told the most debasing facts about the poverty-lifestyle one usually goes through when trying to ‘make a living as an artist’ grounding us on how we could not just expect to just ‘be famous’ and earn millions like Hirst overnight. It might seem like a cruel thing to do crushing young adults’ dreams, however it is also the stark nature of the reality we have created for each other.

From there I started questioning a lot about myself, my decision to be an artist – would I make it? What would I have to do to be as ‘big’ as x artist that I admired at the time? And I bet this goes on in the mind of every other person that is taught to aim at the highest peak in a world where the peak is already occupied and not available for everyone else.

 

Does it make sense to live this way? To know we have all of this great potential as human beings and the way we could actually change the entire nature of ourselves and our relationships with one another if we were able to provide us the guaranteed right to live in dignity, to have money to live well if you’d like to dedicate yourself to a non-lucrative profession or arts which is also not a secured ‘job position’ but is dependent on several subjectivities like being liked, being ‘good’ at the eyes of others, being able to relate well to people to make business; getting to be known and published if you are a musician or a writer, or being part of a gallery and not even that guarantees good wages any longer.

 

There is also the point of having children and how that becomes a new primary responsibility for adults where one has to choose between being a parent or being a professional, especially if one is a woman. As an artist, for example, there’s not been such great possibilities to have a breathable life in a world where no more records are being sold, where art is sold only to a few elites and that is a minority of course, where movies and music are being downloaded for free, where people cannot afford to go watch a play, concert or sometimes even go to the movies – instead, all that is promoted is more greed and illusions of power in national TV/ media at home which is still the one point that seems to define what people conceive ‘life’ to be as this idea of ‘fame and fortune’, hence the belief that every person in showbiz should do as well as people on TV – but they don’t, at least not the ones that try and make honest business.

 

 

Some of the artists I enjoy and admire in a way have been able to ‘stay true’ to themselves in a world-system where arts are also another industry and the same abusive policies apply as everywhere else. In this case, music is something that inspired me to begin questioning the system. I began painting while listening to Radiohead’s OK Computer on repeat mode and all their discography became a way to also understand the underlying suffering that I could perceive in everything and everyone but somehow wasn’t that evident to me until 11 years ago when I first began painting. Now it’s very clear to me how this change has to be implemented and I have a clarity to it, to the point where I’ve stopped painting the death and destruction on this world and instead started to investigate, educate myself and begin actively working to promote and establish solutions that not only will benefit artists of course, but that will be a living guarantee for every person that is currently unable to fend for themselves and as such have are unable to develop themselves to become the person they know they all can be. We cannot also continue having honest and principled individuals to ‘adjust’ and ‘align’ to the current skewed mentality of a dog-eat-dog world where worry, fear, stress and paranoia have become everyone’s daily chronic sickness, this is the abuse we are dictating upon each other and it makes no sense at all.

 

This is not the world I want to live in, this is not The Good Life that our parents were once able to have – and some of you younger than me reading this not that for sure – but we have to question why every year that goes by things get worse, wages don’t go up while inflation keeps going up and the majority of the wealth is stacked in the hands of the minority: this is a suicidal machine we are operating here, and we have to stop it before we all sink together in it.

 

I want the children of this world to be able to have parents that can be satisfied with what they do with their lives, that can have sufficient time at home or simply available to be with them without the stress, without the fears, without the depression, without the constant every day nagging thought of what if there is no money tomorrow that I can get today to keep feeding my family? This is the most stressful situation anyone can face: being broke, being homeless, being with exorbitant debts that are usually now even transferred from parents onto children to ensure that one can ‘own’ something in this world, yet this world as the Earth itself didn’t come with such instructions of ‘how to use it’: we created them but so we also live the problem, so we have to understand it and be able to create and propose solutions, which is what we should all focus on if we really want to keep having our joys in life, such as music for example in my case.

9. Seykingumu

 

So, the least I can do to honor myself and those human beings that also see the necessity for change, that collaborate with creating awareness in their own ways such as with art and music and genuinely consider that we can all work together and make things work for everyone, is to dedicate myself and my life to promote the consideration and necessity that we have toward each other, the good life that I would like to give to those that have nurtured me either physically or as a living being in my ability to be inspired and influenced by people that were able to tell me through their words, their musical expression about everything that was wrong in this world, so that I could grow up to take the staff and be that person that they can also get inspiration from: becoming an individual that can promote and present solutions, because we’re all just too fed up to hear about the same problems and complains instead of realizing that through understanding the problem, we can and become aware of how we can make things work for everyone.

And for artists who I see are quite a lot within the realm of social-change and activism, thank you for your inspiration as well because sometimes one can get ‘lost’ in a sea of carelessness and hopelessness about being able to genuinely do any meaningful change in this world, but through our very own words, through the way we live and create, how we interact with others we can become the point of change that many others can then refer to as the proof of how we can direct our lives to a best for all outcome, which also determines how we live and interact with one another.

This principle of giving to others as I would like to receive begins within us, so let’s give the best we would want for ourselves to each other and through doing that, learning how to honor and truly appreciate our lives, instead of living as enemies in a chronic state of war.

 

Time to ‘be the change we want to see in this world’ for sure, but this will also only be fully possible when people are no longer strapped to their working chairs and fearing not having money the next day, therefore support the Living Income Guaranteed, to provide a guaranteed access to living needs when having no means to get an income, get higher wages in your current job/occupation and never again be ashamed of having to take this support as it is and will be our sheer right to life, to stop the paranoia, the fear and the self-abuse that comes when living in survival mode – we can do much better than this.

We are yet to discover who we all can be and become once that we step outside of the current divide and conquered set-up world-system we have (negligibly) created. It’s about time we join our creative efforts upon that which will ensure each other’s ability to create without worrying about money again, which tampers our creative potential.

 

Happiness does not exist yet, we have to construct it.

 

 

Living Principles

 

Suggested read for an in-depth review of the documentary:

 


390. Making Decisions Based on Feelings, Not Facts

 

Continuing from:

Quote from “The Love/Hate Relationship with Art” entry: The point is I tried to make My definition of Art fit with what would enable me to use it to demonstrate that it is possible to change the world. However I realized that no matter how many images I make, how many pictures I take, how many great ideas I would have I was entirely mostly having an imaginative outflow of how this could operate without ever really landing it into any serious/real project. I always kept everything at a low-fi level because right after the first year in Art school, I discovered Desteni and my interests veered dramatically – hence the ‘shutting down’ of any pursue to further my career to make a name of myself etc..

 

Patterns:

1. The idea of Art as an instrument to “Change the World.” Suiting something according to my interests, to justify my ends in order to cover up another self-definition I am wanting to hold on to – in this case wanting to make the definition of art suit my current interests so that I’m able to say that ‘I’m still doing a form of art, even if it’s not conventional,’ without realizing that it’s merely a definition in itself and that as such, I have to stop making this definition suit my interest around art, and merely see the actions/deeds for what they are and imply.

2. Expecting something to ‘happen to me’, someone to ‘save me,’ someone to ‘find me’ instead of me moving myself in order to make things happen, to become my own directive principle instead of hoping, waiting or fantasizing about the things that can happen ‘in the future.’

3. The idea that something outside of myself can ‘change the world’ in itself, in this case that I could ‘change the world’ through creating art, or that art should be used to demonstrate that we can change the world, when in fact this is once again delegating to something/someone the ability to change, without realizing that there can be many catalysts for change, practical presentations for it – but it will only ever work if we implement it, integrate it, live it and become it ourselves and by ‘change’ I mean becoming an individual that takes responsibility for our creation, that learn how to coexist with everyone else as equals and as such participates to create a world where everyone is supported to live in dignity. Where does that begin? Within self only. A system, a structure can support and promote the change, but it is about each one of us integrating such change within ourselves to make it real. Therefore ‘art’ in itself cannot change the world, only we can one by one.

4. Giving up on something based on seeing ‘no result’ in a short period of time, without taking into consideration that everything in this world and reality requires actual work, time, dedication, constancy and consistency as well as patience to have something be developed in order to give fruition. So giving up on something/someone based on not getting any ‘quick results’ is rather a mechanism of self-sabotage where I am expecting things to work ‘instantaneously’ instead of considering a plan, a structure, the practical steps and timeframes, methods and ways to make something function/work to give the expected results. This means: no wishful thinking.

5. Blaming something/someone for sidetracking from my initial purposes, I have realized how we usually blame something/someone in order to not recognize our sole responsibility to our decisions, words, thoughts and deeds.

6. Making decisions in my life based on emotions and feelings, wishful thinking, desires and fantasies –  mostly going for what ‘feels good’ and avoiding what according to my ego/personalities felt ‘not right’/ ‘not good’ – instead of considering the actual physical space-time planning, structure, steps, time and consequences of the decisions

 

Nada -05

 

 

Self Forgiveness on these patterns:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape a definition of ‘art’ that would suit my personal interests of wanting it to be the ‘tool to change the world’ without realizing that in this equation I was separating myself from such change and only considering that ‘art’ had to be that ‘for me,’ and because I didn’t see results this way in the short-run then I gave it up completely, without realizing that this is a usual pattern wherein I expect things to ‘do something for me’ instead of me being the directive principle within everything that I do – as such it makes sense that a single image, or drawing or video or else can do the ‘change’ process in itself, and as such it is only a tool that can support with the realization and recognition of change that I have to still conduct, apply, live within myself as everyone else as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this definition of art as the quote by Ernst Fischer that also later on I had a ‘fuck it they’ve done it all first’ moment when seeing that in the beginning of the Zeitgeist movie they used this quote that I was cherishing as ‘the foundation’ for my ‘art project’ in itself which is the quote from his book ‘The Necessity of Art’

“In a decaying society, art, if it is truthful, must also reflect decay. And unless it wants to break faith with its social function, art must show the world as changeable. And help to change it”

And with this, believe that I had to always s stick to these definitions, quotes and theories to justify what I wanted to do with my life as an ‘agent of social change’ and still ‘stick’ to my career, just because of the fear of being seen as a ‘dropout’ or someone that didn’t follow-through with art-creation, which is all based on the beliefs and expectations that I believed people had created upon me, because the career is definitely one that I chose for social-recognition upon something that I considered I was ‘special’ within – therefore the whole conflict of having to justify what I do within an artistic context, without realizing that if we look at it beyond definitions, the process of change and being the example of what it means to change is what I am doing and what I’ve decided to do with my life in function of creating a better world, to establish living principles of creation where there exist barely non at the moment, and as such once again using ‘artistic creations’ and creativity as tools with which to do this, without forgetting that I do not require to justify what I do within an artistic concept for the sake of ‘sticking to my career-choice’ as an idea of ‘who I am.’

I realize that instead I can share how I can apply these principles to what I do/ who I am and the practical ways in which I’ve realized we can conduct this change in our decaying society – whoever I commit myself to no longer wanting to justify what I do within this imperative need to make of my life and my decisions as ‘still’ artistic or part of my career choice, as that single theoretical link that I’m attempting to create is what re-enacts the relationship conflict in relation to me and the studies I took on, without realizing that what really matters is not a tag, a name, a definition but how these principles are lived and applied in real-practical living.

Another pattern is ‘giving up’ on something if it doesn’t satisfy my expectations and not putting it all the effort to make it work, because in the mind I always expect quantum results and having immediate effect of my expectations in this case and example, the entire intent behind everything that I would do as an ‘artistic creation/ project’ was to ‘fit in’ my own desires to make my inner process ‘artistic’ as well, and it can be done and for sure it’s even compatible – though the point here is to point out how within this starting point, I was once wanting the ‘artwork’ to do its effect by itself, and kind of hoping that someone would just ‘notice it’ and make me famous type of ideals, which is really unrealistic because nothing in physical reality really works that way

And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint a form of hope and ‘waiting’ with myself and my career, my ‘art’ because I was kind of expecting that someone would knock on my door and discover my creations and make me famous type of ideal and unreality. And this is what I see I had built also around my own ‘career choice,’ wherein I had not defined a plan for my future in fact, but just kind of getting myself into the art world and having something/someone come to me or happen to me that would ‘lead me’ to become successful at it, so there was a lot of wishful thinking, positive thinking involved in wanting this to materialize ‘by itself,’ kind of only having ‘the work do its work,’ which is certainly not how reality works and as such

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give up on my creative skills because of not seeing ‘any results,’ which is the pattern of giving up on something if not getting the expected results right away in turn, which is what happens when I do not consider the actual effort, the actual process of making something work, something be successful, any enterprise that I embark myself on and not expect it to be ‘successful’ right away, but rather work within the accumulation principle wherein the amount of time, work and effort invested onto a business/ an enterprise or anything that I have committed myself to do, is not going to be ‘minimal’ or ‘very little’ as in this reality everything takes time, effort, patience, constancy, consistency, developing further skills, developing further relationships and all of this implies that what I attempted to do with my life and my wishful thinking about my artistic career was not founded upon physical, practical planning and considerations but that I absolutely just ‘jumped into the boat’ because it sounded great and it satisfied my intentions back then when I made the decision to study art – so within this,

I realize that when we make decisions based on emotions/feelings and dreams, it will most likely be crashing down on the pavement back to reality because it was all a temporary foam that I created in my mind as ‘my future,’ without any real consideration of the work, the time, the money, the people, the places, the relationships, the materials, the skills or anything of that, but only wanting to kind of have something/someone ‘make me famous’ or ‘make me successful,’ which is no different to how we as human beings tend to be hoping and waiting that something/someone will come to save us, just because we haven’t yet realized or learned that we can only make things happen if we move within it, if we invest the time, money, effort, patience, consistency that goes with making any plan, any enterprise work.

Further support for business and non-business people on this point: Time = Money – The Soul of Money

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind covertly ‘blame process’ for me not having followed through with my career, without realizing that such ‘blame’ is in fact looking at the actual regret and realizing the nature of the decisions I made in my life, wherein instead of taking absolute responsibility for my life and realizing the lack of practical planning and decision making processes that I had to make, I instead realized the flimsy planning – if any – I had created for me and my life and as such only finished school for the sake of ‘finishing it’ but my ‘heart’ as they say was not into it any longer, because I realized the expectations, dreams and ideals that I entered to school with, which all came ‘tumbling down’ when realizing the reality that I had missed in my decisions – therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite myself in this extreme of going from the absolute experience of being ‘into my career’ and giving it the most to giving it the minimum required based on the realization of my intentions behind studying art, and here instead of just forgiving myself for that and being able to walk through it without reactions, I slowly but surely built a certain experience of overall ‘regret’ about it which is how the love-hate relationship was formed. It all happened in my mind based on the positive experience I had imprinted to the idea of studying art/becoming an artist and how when realizing such positive-feelings and imaginations and hoping and dreaming about what I could do in art, I went into the polarity opposite of deeming it as something negative/bad/superficial instead of just realizing what I had done, take self responsibility for it which in a way I did in relation to finishing studies, but within myself as well wherein I am able to stand sound with understanding the context of my past decisions, walk through the consequence without imprinting ‘the consequence’ with negative experiences, as that is where the whole inner conflict was created – and yes, it is quite unnecessary when it is just a matter of walking physical moments, experiences, processes that require my participation and direction and that’s it.

I realize that what’s done is done and as such the only gift I can give to myself is being able to prevent me from once again making decisions in my life based on ‘how I feel’ about something or someone, and instead learn from the ‘mistakes’ so to speak in order to learn how to take into consideration physical reality, practical planning, realistic considerations and of course in such ‘career decision’ processes, look at the practicality of where I can employ myself and genuinely develop a financial stability with it, because I of course now realize that I could have done it differently if my decision was to remain doing artwork, it was about investing a lot of time to it, which is what I had initially planned to do – but of course, after realizing the actual practical process required in this world, my ‘decision making’ process was almost immediate when choosing to dedicate myself to walk this process that in turn I can apply into and within any other realm that I see is most practical to assist and support others to walk the same process.

I realize here that art once again can be a tool of support for this process that I’ve decided to walk – however I could not realistically see myself investing most of my time in developing certain skills that I knew I wasn’t going to be using any longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a ‘fraud’ to the teachers and the people that supported me throughout my stance in art school and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed toward them because of believing that they invested their time ‘incorrectly’ and even the ‘spot’ I had in such important school could have been used by another person that genuinely wanted to be an artist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to take me to see ‘the bright side’ as in ‘not everything is lost because I learned a lot from some of the books, teachers and interactions in school as well as the skills,’ which in part it is so, but here it is not to once again want to ‘white wash it’ and get a positive experience out of it –here I then see things for what they are, realizing that yes I probably won’t be making etchings and using all of those techniques I learned, however if my starting point of that is ‘wasting my time’ or ‘someone else’s time,’ then I also forgive myself as that comes within the idea that I took something from someone by attending that school, without realizing that I did want to be there, I did want to learn that and as such, because we cannot turn back time I simply walked through the whole educational process till the end and that’s it. I took responsibility for my choice and now I also take responsibility for my life wherein I recognize other ways in which I can direct myself to support myself and others within this process which is my purpose in life and ‘my life’ in itself, and as such whether what I do is deemed as artistic or creative or not, is not something that matters, as this is not about definitions or how actions and words are categorized, but instead how they are lived and applied.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to step into a career with the sole purpose and idea of ‘making a name’ for myself, to further my recognition ambitions for doing something that people would consider ‘great’ without realizing that in this, I was only spiting myself because I am the one that had to face the consequences of not properly planning my decisions in life, to make sound/physical and practical decisions and not just go for how ‘good’ it made feel and how ‘nice’ my imaginations were in relation to day-dreaming of being an artist and being famous, being recognized and having the ‘time of my life’ within the context of having money, be able to ‘change the world’ – according to my dreams – and at the same time be happy and feel ‘blessed’ as that is the kind of spiritual attitude I was into when I got into art school, quite imbued with spirituality and positive thinking which is why I also allowed myself to want to ‘attract’ success and not consider physical-doings like practical planning, assessing my skills and aptitudes etc. but only choose a career based on my ‘feeling’ of ‘being special/unique’ and having this apparent ‘gift’ to create something, without realizing that we are all capable of creating something and that me taking a decision within this delusion was most likely prone to generate consequences that I am walking through as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in my life in terms of choices, people, places, careers, what ‘I like’ or what makes me ‘feel special’ and what I accept in my life based on experience, based on what ‘felt good’ what felt ‘right’ according to my personalities, and veer off from that which didn’t satisfy my ego, my desire to be doing something ‘more creative’ based on how I defined ‘creativity’ on plastic arts mostly, which as I’ve walked is rather limiting if we only recognized our ability to create based on making ‘art works.’

Therefore, I realize that in my life I made many decisions based on feeling, on the experience, on the beliefs, on the expectations, on the dream-like state that I would usually fuel myself with in order to actually evade looking at the reality that I had considered was ‘too awful’ to face and to walk thoroughly as any other individual. Meaning that my decision to be ‘an artist’ was precisely to be ‘eccentric’ and to be ‘acceptable’ within such eccentricity meaning outside of the regular circles of society because of having a judgment toward ‘the system’ and ‘society’ as a whole based on seeing how politics, education systems, money works and the lack thereof, which is why upon facing this ‘insanity’ I kind of decided to make myself ‘insane’ as well as the ‘good reflection of society’ that I was planning to be and become, and so be able to ‘create’ from such image and likeness of the system. Hence the nature of self-destruction portrayed in what I created, even if I was not able to say ‘why’ I only see death and destruction mostly, sadness, depression and overall madness, which was just me trying to become that and do that to myself and the world to not face the responsibility to it, as it’s easier to ‘destroy’ than deconstruct, reconstruct and create something new and stable again.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize or ‘remember’ that my ‘initial intent’ of what I wanted to be and become in my life was in the very beginning before art was ‘in my life,’ to study a career that would make me have a lot of money and be able to ‘travel around the world’ – the usual ‘dreams’ that came with me initially wanting to become a financial advisor wherein I could use my ‘skills’ in a profitable manner. I also recognize that studying art was my way of apparently ‘spiting my parents/others’ that believed that I was going to study some ‘great and complicated career’ based on the supposed intelligence I had, wherein I realized that the only way to ‘turn the tables’ and not follow the pattern, was to study something wherein what I do wasn’t able to be graded with A’s for ‘being right’ but where I could challenge other skills and abilities that to my perception were not able to get ‘ratings,’ without realizing later on that they would still be rated in the same manner any other school work gets rated, which got me irate and furious the very first time that I considered I had placed ‘all my effort’ into something, for months on, working even in my supposed ‘leisure time’ with the attempt to get an A and I got a B and that was ‘heartbreaking’ for me because I was expecting my work to be recognized as ‘good.’ In this I realize that even if I wanted to supposedly ‘escape’ the grading system and the apparent skills I had by ‘studying art,’ I later on realized that art and the art world is no different to any other part of this system that we live in, wherein it is not this wonderland where system-laws don’t apply – and that is how I was able to also burst my own bubble of escapism when realizing that art was no different to any other part of this reality that is managed by ourselves, individuals and that it doesn’t really imply something entirely ‘different’ to any other career because it is still existent within the context of a world system where what you do is assessed and valued in order to be sold as a product so that one can have money to eat. And that makes it no different to any other career or profession – so even within this, I realized that there was no really a way ‘out’ of the system, which then became another reason to be disillusioned at ‘the art world,’ without realizing that any ‘disillusionment’ is really created based on the initial positive ideals that I had formed around it, which means: I did this all to myself and as such, it is not a ‘guilt trip’ now, as that would evade me from walking now the self-responsibility to my decisions and my life in itself and the decision making processes that I will now consider in practical and physical terms, not based on feelings/emotions and ideals.

 

Rumbos Inciertos 06

 

Suggest watching the following Desteni I Process Google Hangouts:

To learn more about the mind and how you can make informed decisions in your life, visit:


169. Imagination as a Distraction to Not Do things

When it comes to walking the procrastination character in relation to imagination, I could see myself having both positive and negative projections wherein within ‘playing’ with both, I would end up simply being entertained in the mind by either/or with no physical / tangible doing that would mean a single decision to get things done, such as just writing it out.

Thus as much as imagination would be linked to facing a point of fear in relation to the task at hand, the positive imagination would be me convincing myself of what I could instead do to not have to face the point of actually just doing it.

 

A specific thought among others is when I think of me being at the office of my professor and waiting for a verdict on my paper wherein such single image of the office is linked with a negative energy experience that I have created a resistance toward due to thinking and believing that the word ‘revision’ means doing it all over again several times. I explained the thought of ‘the office’ in the previous blog linked to fear of having to confront my ideas with another person – hence the thought would become an actual play out of events in my mind which is more in the realm of imagination of how it would go finally facing the point and how I would direct myself in the situation:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to actually doing the written document due to this single thought of me sitting in front of my professor’s chair at his office and waiting for a verdict on the current state of the work, hoping for it to go well without realizing that with me creating this single thought and going into the imagination of him telling me that it is either ‘done’ or ‘requires a lot of re-writing to be done,’ I create an actual resistance to do anything at all – this means that whether my imagination is positive or negative about it, I remain entertained only in my mind about it instead of actually physically doing it.

 

When and as I see myself entertaining myself in my mind with regards to a positive or negative feedback upon my work, I stop and I breathe – I realize that what is being created in my mind is of no substance other than my own thoughts that are built upon a future projection of me having ‘finished the work,’ which is precisely what needs to be directed by me in physical reality.

 

I realize that I will invariably have to face such imagination-point as an actual event of going for revisions and that in no way do I require to create an expectation about it being good or bad – I assist and support myself to remain here as breath when and as I approach the office/ the person and take things as breath, ensuring that I do not try to make things only ‘my way’ but am open to perspectives/ constructive criticism that can in fact assist and support me to expand my current view/ perspective on the point.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the word ‘revision’ to a negative experience wherein I believe that I will have to re-do everything again and link this ‘re-doing’ to the ‘worst case scenario’ that I participate in within my mind, without realizing that this fear is actually me preventing me from actually doing anything at all.

 

Thus, when and as I see myself imagining the moment of revision of my work and being anxious and nervous while having him reading the whole thing, expecting for the worst to happen, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able and capable of supporting myself to remain here as breath, realize that I can only hear and be willing to co-operate within going through the written document as many times as required in order to have everything done in a suitable manner, without creating any stress or anger for having to repeat the whole thing/ repeat some parts as I see and realize that this is part of doing this work thus

I commit myself to stop any fear and imaginary play outs of the worst case scenario as having to repeat myself several times, which I see is a possibility within the nature of the current task at hand – and that in no way do I require to create a negative experience toward it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a future projection of be expecting ‘the worst’ within the imagination-rolling of this thought of the office wherein I play out a hypothetical situation of me having to re-do the whole thing over and over and over again, getting frustrated about it and this is so without realizing that with me simply giving Into this thinking and imagination processes, I am in fact giving permission for me to eventually really go through this,  as I am being the creator of myself and my reality, believing that I somehow had to ‘face’ such points in order to see ‘who I am’ within them, which is absolutely Not necessary as I can simply decide to stop all future projections in the negative realm of it all ‘going wrong,’ stop all resistances and fears in one single moment and actually do the doing as an actual doing as point of Self Movement that must take place by my own physical decision to type and write it out.

When and as I see myself rolling the thought of the office into an imaginary moment of having to confront my work with another being, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me sabotaging myself with no substance to it other than entertaining myself in the mind instead of actually doing – thus

I commit myself to stop going into imagination about future projecting the confrontation/ presentation of my work with other beings and as such, assist and support myself to be here as breath throughout the entire process, as I see and realize that going into nervousness, anxiety or frustration leads nowhere but having to eventually do it all over again no matter what, as I realize that this has to be done and there is no other way around it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the imagination of being in the room of examination with all professors and having them asking the question ‘what does this all have to do with your career’? which is a primary imagination play out due to my own backchat toward my career choice and my belief that I am betraying ‘my vocation’ by now being dedicated more to the study of the human mind and not so much in the creative process of visual arts, without realizing that we use our mind to create and as such there is no possibility to dissociate a physical externalization as an ‘expression’ of ourselves without making use of the mind.

Thus I realize that this self-creation process is of course as relevant as any other aspect/ consideration within any expression, as it is an externalization of who we are/ how we are existing as the mind.

When and as I see myself going into imagination of that moment of having to confront my work and receive criticism for it not being ‘visual arts related,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that there’s no sense of going into this thoughts and participate within it as it is only based on fear and further backchat that I’ve had toward my own career and current interests in life, which can be certainly equally supported by both activities, as both points are related to who we are as humans and as such, there’s no need to create a dissonance around this in my mind any further.

 

I commit myself to stick to the physical, common-sense reality that is here for me to walk and direct myself in, wherein I do not require to imagine the whole thing ‘being done’ as I can only stick to writing it and working on it as a physical action in the moment, as I see and realize that imagining possible outcomes with it serves no purpose but distraction in relation to the actual work that requires to be done.

— to be continued

 

Desteni

Desteni Forum 

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System

Journey To Life 

 

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Blogs:

Character Dimensions – BACKCHAT Dimension (Part 3): DAY 169

Day 169: After Death Communication – Part 18

 

Supportive Interview:

Eye Twitching – The Body as Teacher


72. My Career Choice

I have been walking the last posts to see how Money influences our lives and decisions in life, wherein we can see and realize that whatever we thought we were doing as an actual decision by ourselves, was in fact a product of our social-conditioning accepted as ‘choices’ in life linked to ‘succeeding’ in the system in one way or another.

 

I’ll be walking my own career choice from the moment of how I believed myself to be ‘talented’ in doing artwork and how I built this belief within myself in order to make it ‘my profession/ career’ in an almost infatuated manner, without considering the actual practicality of it in terms of giving myself practical living directions to actually be able to live of it/ earn money of it within my life.

 

My choice of career was based on creating an ‘acceptable way’ of not wanting to participate in what I deemed as the entire ‘corrupt greedy system’ that we are living in. I dropped out of linguistics because I realized that career was going to simply make me a library person, an intellectual reading others words and dissecting them as valuable/ not valuable, and I wanted to be a ‘creator,’ a ‘creative’ person. But in the back of my head, all that I wanted was to create a lifestyle that was – apparently- ‘out of the ordinary’ which is how I deliberately created my personality as a profile of an ‘eccentric being,’ so that others could agree with me that: I had to be an artist.

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I don’t know what I’m doing here’ while being in classic literature class in linguistics and literature school, without realizing that I chose to study that career and was fully ‘into it’ before I had instigated within me the idea of ‘wanting to study art’ instead

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized while having to ‘endure’ the class that I am not genuinely interested in, while daydreaming about being ‘creating’ and going to ‘art school’ which was a ‘dream shut down’ for me at the moment, because of me not having been directive enough when choosing my career

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘there is no way I am going to spend 5 years listening to useless stuff’– without realizing that I am in that only considering that which ‘suits my preferences’ and ‘validates my personal taste’ to do and be whatever I want to be, without realizing that I belonged to a certain institution where curriculum is not able to be ‘picked.’ I realize that I judged the moment because of existing within an obsession to get to study art school and drop literature –thus I manipulated myself, the moment and all my actions to ‘make it visible’ that I didn’t really want to be there any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘my thing is to create and not regurgitate other’s words’ which is a statement of self-manipulation to reinforce my already lingering desire to stop the career and move to another one.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged and ‘discredited’ because of deciding to ‘drop out of school’ and fearing that this would be seen as a failure in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what others would have to say if I dropped out of literature school.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to even fear admitting this to myself because of how I didn’t want to continue ‘lying’ to myself about me being comfortable within the school, without realizing that it was actually me not being ‘comfortable’ within myself, and my life and that going to art school only represented another ‘way out of the system’ within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that which I had initially ‘adored’ as literature/ books/ reading in order to justify and validate my excuses to drop out of that school, validating preference as an actual ‘reason’ to drop out which is how I placed preference over common sense to validate my personality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge literature as ‘useless stuff’ without realizing that this judgment was coming from me wanting to convince myself to be doing the ‘right choice’ for dropping out of the literature career.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my ‘ideal career’ to the career I was studying (literature,) just so that I could continue validating my own desires to migrate to another point.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘my thing is to create and not regurgitate what others have created’ which is a statement made out of spitefulness toward that which I simply stopped liking, which is a usual mechanism to validate our point of view over our self-created reality and consequences, to make myself seem like a ‘winner’ and not a ‘loser that drops out’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare literature and art and placing the latter above the first one just because of wanting to validate my decision to ‘go to art school’ above literature, and justify the reason why I was dropping out of it, to not be seen like a ‘drop out’ but rather a ‘wise person that aligns her decisions and preferences in life.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to suit my decisions to seem like a ‘wise choice’ that makes me a ‘winner,’ instead of admitting that I have made a mistake and can allow myself to give me a second opportunity to re-align my decisions on life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge and criticize people that study literature as ‘library rats’ in a spiteful mode just to add on to the ongoing validations of why I don’t want to continue studying literature.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to project myself into a self-created ‘gloomy future’ being locked in a library for the rest of my life if continuing studying literature, which is just how I used my imagination to perpetuate the belief that I had to get out of that career to not become like my worst nightmare, which is just another belief and justification that validates my desire to simply stop studying literature, using denigration toward others in order to see myself as ‘making the right choice,’ which is judgmental and unacceptable, as it is me trying to see myself as a winner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to get validation for my ‘skills to create’ in order to validate my decision to change my career and within that, being able to justify why I ‘don’t like literature school’ any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was because of my parents that I wasn’t able to study arts, while in fact it was me that wasn’t directive enough with regards to taking and making a decision based on my life and my future.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself in relation to what my parents though with regards to me not going out of the city to study arts, when in fact I realize that I used this also as an excuse for me not having been directive and responsible enough to consider what it is that I actually wanted to study in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having taken my ‘second option’ within resignation and within a ‘second plate’ type of experience around it, without realizing that I was only judging it that way because of me not having taken the necessary steps to actually walk the initial desire and decision to study art from the beginning of having to choose my career.

 

 

I forgive myself to deliberate scheme and manipulate my expression in order to continue drawing so that ‘others’ could see my ‘real passion’ for art and drawing – instead of realizing that I was the only one manipulating myself to suit my own desires to migrate to another career and ‘life.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others judgments upon my work as ‘flattering’ and ‘props for my ego’ wherein I am in fact creating this idea of myself as ‘definitely being an artist’ and using that to deliberately validate and justify my change in careers.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘which is a self-belief coming from the starting point of validating my desire to study arts and ‘change’/ veer my direction in order to suit my entire desire to ‘be an artist and be out of this world’ – therefore it is and was not an actual recognition of a ‘passion to create’ but used as an excuse to validate my self-definition and desire to not be part of what I had deemed as a ‘greedy corrupt system’ of money/ capitalism, that I thought I could get away from by studying arts.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having feared to convince my parents about my career decision, out of them disapproving and losing their financial support.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having feared proposing a change of career toward my parents because of not wanting to create a reaction within them as me ‘dropping out’ thus, losing my ‘reputation’ toward them as the ever excellent student that ‘doesn’t drop out.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear disappointing my parents’ when letting them know that I wanted to change my career, which is me judging myself only for not having taken the necessary steps and direction from the get-go initially. I realize that this is me existing in self-blame and projecting it on my parents.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear letting my parents know that ‘I don’t like my career’ because of fearing being seen as a ‘lost person’ that ‘doesn’t know what she wants in life – and lose credibility and my self-definition as a person that ‘knows what she wants to do with her life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents mocking me for changing directions in my life and dissing my new direction as ‘another phase in my life’ based on how I had lived my life going from various phases, preferences and lifestyles, without realizing that I am only limiting myself within this fear to actually support myself to explore what is it that I am actually capable of being and becoming in a supportive way for myself and others within the consideration of what’s best for all, and not only ‘what I like’ or believed I liked doing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others’ judgments upon my life as ‘true’ and allowing them to affect my ability to make decisions and take directions that I know are required once that I have proven to myself that the previous decisions are simply not what I meant to do/ be and become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my parents/ family’s judgments as a decisive factor to move myself and direct myself within my life, without realizing that I am the only one that will live within such decisions for the rest of my life.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself asking ‘what the hell am I doing here?’ and feeling victimized about the situation, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am the only one that is able to direct myself in my reality and that any beliefs of victimization are only ways to manipulate myself to not face the fact that: I placed myself in this position – no one forced me to do so. I realize that whatever I experience is a direct consequence of what I have created and directed within my life by my own will, thus I stop victimizing myself by statements that reinforce any form of manipulating myself and others to ‘get out the backdoor’

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have to ‘endure’ a class, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this ‘self-torture’ is only generated by my own judgments and opinions about the class in itself.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I am in no way going to spend 5 years listening to useless stuff – I stop and I breathe. I realize that the judgment is stemming from my desire to change my career and that everything I said was already from wanting to diss and discredit the career I was in, just to suit and reinforce the self-belief of ‘having to go to art school instead’ – I realize that I have used this self-manipulation to suit my own needs and justify them to make it all ‘acceptable’ at the eyes of others, just because of having feared being judged by ‘dropping out’ of it.

 

I realize that I feared being seen as a ‘failure’ by others and that within this fear of judgment, I manipulated myself to portray myself in a way that others could validate that ‘my decision was correct’ – without realizing that the only one that I was manipulating and fearing is myself: fearing failing and fearing being judged by others.

 

I realize that I have used to denigrate that which I no longer want to be bound to, and eventually create an opposition toward it, even though I ‘adored it’ at first- such as literature and linguistics. Thus I stop and I breathe whenever I see myself denigrating and making something ‘less than’ just so that within my own mind, I can see myself as ‘being a winner’ for opting out and going to an apparent ‘better position’ as in studying another career. Little did I realize that it was never about ‘the career’ but about myself only.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to validate my choice and placing myself as a ‘winner’ by validating my ‘choice’ through dissing/ making the other point less than, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is an ego treat to make believe that I made the right choice and that my decision is validated by my own evidence and assessment of the event/ situation

 

When and as I See myself believing that all decisions I make are ‘for the better’ I stop and I realize. I see that within this starting point of ‘bettering myself/ desiring to be in a ‘better position’ I am in fact justifying my own manipulation to remain as a ‘winner’ within my mind. I realize that everything that I decide to do within my life must be assessed and directed within the starting point of what is best for all, and that I am absolutely responsible for making it work or not. I assume all responsibility that comes from making decisions in life –

 

I realize that I have tricked and fooled myself to justify and validate my choices in life based on preference, instead of an actual assessment of what is best for all. I stop manipulating myself to believe that everything I decide to do with my life is ‘alright’ and ‘will always go well’ – as this belief system is what lead me to walk through art school.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to manipulate the way that others will see my decisions in my desire to be seen as a ‘wise person’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that the manipulation that I have created toward myself and others can only in the end affect myself only, wherein I realize that I must take into consideration the consequences of my decisions within practical terms and not only manipulate myself to be a ‘winner’ at the eyes of others and myself.

 

When and as I see myself creating future projections as unpleasant moments/ experiences, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only going into my mind to manipulate my beliefs in a way that it suits the outcome that I am looking for, which is discrediting my own career choice by now dissing it because of having ‘something better to aspire to’

 

I realize that this is a pattern I have lived out within this point of careers and relationships, just so that whenever I see a relationship/ career point ending, I am able to remain as a ‘winner’ in my mind, instead of being self honest about the decision being simply a way that it wasn’t suitable for myself according to the interests I pursued back then. There is no need to judge and justify my decisions based on ‘bashing’ and belittling the original choice to make myself feel ‘better’ about my decision.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to do something ‘evident’ at the eyes of others to validate and support the belief of ‘who I am’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is an attention seeking pattern wherein I am deliberately wanting to be validated and identified as ‘an artist’ or an ‘expressive person’ which I use as props for my ego to remain within the ‘creative suit’ and within this particular situation, having used it as a way to validate my own shift in career and validate it/ excuse it with a decision based on having ‘real passion’ to create, which I have demonstrated to myself was never actually real.

 

When and as I see myself blaming my parents for apparently not having been able to allow me to study arts, initially – I stop and I breathe. I realize that it was me all the way the one that wasn’t directive enough to make a decision and walk the actual process to achieve it, but instead allowed me to conform because of not wanting to stir up conflict. I realize that within my life and my decisions, I must be absolutely self-directive and considering the actual steps to direct myself to accomplish a point.

 

When and as I see myself victimizing myself with regards to ‘my parents not allowing me to study arts out of the city’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I wasn’t directive and responsible enough to consider that it was only me the one that had to place the actual ‘doing’ and ‘planning’ which I absolutely neglected at the time, and went for the most ‘comfortable option’ which meant not challenging also my own schemes of ‘going out and living alone’ which I eventually directed.

However, I realize that I require to be specific whenever I am walking a point in my life wherein decisions have to be made and actual direction must be given within the consideration of what is best for myself to be, live and direct myself toward in order to support myself and within the principle of what’s best for all.

When and as I see myself opting for the most ‘comfortable’ and ‘less troubling’ solution within my mind when having the opportunity to choose – I stop and I breathe. I reconsider to see and realize that I have to take into consideration the actual outcome of such decision and all the dimensions existent within that decision, to make sure that I do not create unnecessary timeloops within my life and my experience. This means that I direct myself to be bold enough to take the necessary risks to direct myself to an outcome that is certainly best in the moment, and stop my own limitations that only exist as fears within my own mind.

 

When and as I see myself believing that ‘my real passion is to create’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that what I have deemed as such was only a validation for my decision to change career and backup an entire personality suit as ‘the artist/ the creator’ – I realize that I haven’t allowed myself to establish self-creation as one and equal wherein it’s not a point of self-definition, but an actual integration of my ability and capability of supporting myself to correct and direct myself according to that which I see is self-supportive in all ways within my life, and not limited to ‘creating art.’

 

When and as I see myself fearing others judgments upon my change in career/ different lifestyle that I decide to take on as my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am the only one that will live with the decisions I make within my life and that I am now being directive to consider what’s best for all in such decisions, and not just a self-belief pattern that backups a personality. I realize that all decisions and changes that I take within my life, I am absolutely responsible for – therefore I stop allowing judgments to influence my decision in any way whatsoever within my life.

 

When and as I see myself placing the excuse to validate another option that I may have and say ‘I cannot see myself within this for the rest of my life’ – I stop and I breathe. These justifications exist as a trick of my own mind to ‘talk myself into’ accepting another option as ‘better than’ based on self interest – I realize that in the direction I am taking with my life, I am considering what is best for all as a point walked day by day, wherein it is not a profession/ career/ occupation but rather a life-learning process that cannot be defined within the current schemes of ‘career choices’ in our world, as it is me learning how to live and do/ live/ create/ direct myself in the consideration of what’s best for all life in Equality.

 

When and as I see myself limiting myself to receive validation from others in order to make decision and direct myself within my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot depend on other’s validation to move myself, as I realize I am capable and able to direct myself efficiently within my reality wherein I am self-responsible for the consequences and outflows of the decision I take. I realize that only moving/ directing myself after getting ‘enough validation’ is self-manipulation and not allowing me to realize that Self-Direction is existing in one single breath here that I make a decision and walk it – live it.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing frustration because of not being in a place that supports my creativity and expression – I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is a belief-system of myself that I have used to manipulate myself into an outcome that I have perceived as ‘less restrictive’ without realizing that in doing that, I have limited myself and my ability to expand into fields/ areas wherein I have not even considered that I could also enjoy and learn/ expand from. I stop limiting myself according to preferences that only lead me to live an apparently more ‘lax’ way of ‘lifestyle.’ I realize that self-direction even in points wherein I seemingly ‘don’t like/ don’t enjoy’ are only limitations based on preferences within my own mind.

 

When and as I see myself victimizing myself, whining and complaining about ‘not fitting in’ and using others’ validation to my belief of having to be doing ‘something else’ within my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can only complain about my own fuck up of not having directed myself to plan an actual direction within my life wherein I could be doing that which I intended to do from the get go, but allowed myself to limit myself because of fears. Thus, ‘not fitting in, not belonging here’ are but excuses to remain limited and stubbornly want to validate my own self-definition, which is also not supporting myself to allow myself to expand and explore my capabilities within other fields that I had not considered within my own mind before.

 

When and as I see myself ‘fearing disappointing my parents/ others’ in my world based on the decisions I take within my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this judgment only comes when I haven’t walked the point within absolute self-direction and self-trust to know that my decision will actually be best for all in all ways, and that whatever I decide to do with my life, is my absolute point of Self-Responsibility and nothing or no one can influence that point for myself.

 

When and as I see myself fearing being seen as a person that ‘is lost’ and ‘doesn’t know what to do with her life’ – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only creating this fear based on my own ‘lack’ of self-trust in that moment to direct myself to actually support myself within taking decisions and directing myself in my life, within absolute self-responsibility for what I do and what I don’t do.

 

I realize that I have feared being seen as ‘lost’ or ‘a waste’ because of having dropped out of my career and not following through with my actual career. I allow myself to change directions if the previously chosen direction is not best for all. I allow myself to see mistakes as a way to see where and how I am not effectively directing myself and within that, allow myself to be actually supportive within considering the outflows and consequences of my decisions in life.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to get validation from others to make decisions in life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am able to direct myself and change the direction within the realization that I am the only one that will walk the consequences and outflows of such decisions I take and live throughout my life

 

I realize that I cannot allow anyone else’s judgments and opinions to affect who I am and how I direct myself within my life, If I am certain that I am in fact directing myself within self-honesty and self-trust.

 

I also allow myself to obviously get some feedback and reference from people that are able and capable to consider self-honestly what’s best for me to consider as a point of self-direction within the current point I am walking in process and the position that I must take on in order to support the outcome that is best for all life in equality.

 

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Nada

Nada (2005)

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Day 10: Money and Politeness

 

As I walked the point of politeness as a positive experience within me and now that I am realizing to what extent everything that we have done/lived by has been linked to Money and the functioning of money in this world, I’ve seen how I’ve lived as a ‘polite person’ without identifying the actual positive ‘kick’ I would get out of it, yet this ‘attribute’ was linked to an inherent desire to be part of the ‘polite people in the world’ which, if reading back in my previous entry – were ‘well educated people’ that were mostly rich/ having more than enough money to live ‘well.’

 

This ties in with my choice of careers as well wherein my inclinations toward the world of ‘arts and culture’ lead me to believe that I had a more ‘refined’ taste than other members in my family who would not be any type of art enthusiasts or well-cultured in the usual ‘intellectual ways’ that I would deem people to be in such ‘social circles.’ So, when I began realizing that only a certain type of people was into art/ music and how they mostly were people with a certain education/ background that lead them to have such ‘refined’ tastes and views on life, I realized that I had to equate that, that I had to become part of such circles in order to achieve my desires/ dreams that I had formulated back then, which were pretty much linked to having enough money to travel around the world and the usual stuff that we dream of as young kids growing up into the ‘adult world.’

 

So these ‘refined manners’ were acquired from interacting with people outside of my family. I recall admiring people that were ‘well cultured’ and would express themselves with such a vocabulary that denoted they had read tons of books throughout their life. I would enjoy going to my aunt’s house for that reason, it was filled with books and we could go to museums and do stuff that I never did with my parents. The same when enjoying talking to their friends and also when being with parents of my friends and partner, they were all ‘well-cultured’ people, even teachers in literature and history and linguistics, which made me want to become part of that circle of people that would have dinners with wine while telling intellectual jokes and having some delicious Italian salad while eating nuts. If you have seen the movie ‘the hours’ I wanted to be like the character played by Meryl Streep, and somehow I would picture myself feeling equally empty even if I had achieved such ‘status’ in my world. But anyways, it was that ‘realm’ wherein I envisioned myself as being fulfilled.

 

What was the way to go there? Becoming equal and one to how I would see these people would behave, talk and experience themselves. So, I enjoyed reading from an early age and linked this to being/ becoming a cultured person, even if I read mostly fiction novels for most of the time.

There was also a time when I was a lot younger around 9 years old when I would attend these luxurious dinners with my parents wherein I got to experience what ‘being in society’ was, and how I was simply acting like a full grown up at that age. I would observe how everyone behaved and even though I knew the whole thing was a façade and really fake, I would play along trying to be charismatic to be equally liked/ accepted the same way that my sisters were. I guess that having a taste of what it means to have a ‘good life’ left a mark on me, even if at the time we were under extreme financial strain, all of those trips and luxury was paid for according to a certain position my father took for a while in a national organization. It was such an awkward experience because we did not have much money then, but we were in these pompous dinners and staying in master suites, literally stealing the room from rockstars staying in the same hotel. I guess that’s the most ‘taste’ I’ve had of what it is to have such luxury and comfort, as well as people praising you all of a sudden by association. Man, it is really something that ‘traps’ you for a while.

 

I guess that if I had not had such experiences, I would have not been aiming for such positions in a not so conscious way – or I didn’t want to fully acknowledge because of not wanting to be deemed as greedy. It’s cool to expose this as there is obviously so much that I held as an imprint on these trips wherein ‘the good life’ was suddenly my reality for a moment. That’s where I got the association of ‘polite’ as in being a ‘politician,’ because that’s how I identified the way that people at such conventions would act like/ interact with each other: in a polite, refined and ‘safe’ manner which is not being too ‘open’ yet not ‘too quiet’ as if there was a problem with you. I learned how having a constant smile made you being liked – I could not fathom why people would always say the same things to you ‘oh how pretty are you!’ It was a bit traumatic having to go through such disparity at such a young age, really. When coming back home after such events and trips – which were only two or three only during two years – it was like getting off of some really nice dream where you could ‘have it all’ and forget about all the actual financial troubles that my father was going through at the time, which I have shared and how it would also preoccupy me extensively as in fearing losing the house and everything.

 

So, to sum up, politeness was for me a way to establish and place myself on the track to become someone of ‘importance’ and in a certain ‘circle in society’ that I wanted to be part of, which was mostly the ‘intellectual circles’ wherein I could have enough vocabulary and presence to mingle with such people. That’s how both my career choices were linked to such cultural world, even after knowing that making a lot of money out of it would not be as easy – as I had initially thought. I got to admire mostly people that had written books already and that I knew I could ‘learn from’ in my attempt to become equal to them. And this all entailed having a secured-financial ‘freedoom’ while doing ‘what I like,’ which was either writing or creating art. I knew how being polite would lead you to get preferential treatment as well, and I sought that, creating a certain aura of power/ control and importance wherein I made sure people would ‘pay attention to me’ – yes.

 

Later on I went into the controlled opposite, but that’s another story wherein further suppressions were linked mostly in relation to judgments toward money – as I have briefly explained above. What I have walked here were dreams and desires that I had kept and was preparing myself for when I was in my early teens; I even thought of becoming a financial advisor just because of knowing how much money they would make, and all of those decisions were only based on desiring having a preferential position in the system wherein I could have enough money to travel around the world, as that’s what I really wanted to do or my ‘idea’ of what happiness in this world is about.

 

Now I have realized within the 23rd Interview by Anu how such elaborated words are definitely only for the ego of the intellectuals and it’s absolutely true – I mean, I created myself as that for the sake of belonging and making myself a space in such circles that I later on absolutely abhorred and almost completely ostracized myself from – going from admiring rich people and the power they had to opposing them and even blaming ‘them’ for the current status of the world, that’s been my life with money which I had not exposed to such extent from this money-perspective before. However I see how it is definitely the ‘missed factor’ that I probably withheld from sharing because of not wanting to be seen as greedy or superfluous/ self-interest driven person while acknowledging that we all are, and we all sought our ways into the system in one way or another. Everyone would enjoy having such financial comfort and power – even myself that later on tried to deny it can only recognize that I did, and ‘my dreams’ were based upon getting to a certain ‘state’ wherein I could write or do some works while having all time left to explore the world.

 

Well, it’s easy to dream and part of this entire process is to take all the points here back to Earth wherein I land myself on the ground to then see how a single seemingly ‘normal’ expression like being polite is in fact having all of this – and probably a lot more – behind it as a conditional input for me to express such ‘politeness’ as ‘who I am,’ which is linked to how I had defined myself according to the ‘social stratus’ that I wanted to be a part of within this world system.

 

I still have a lot of ‘points’ to sort out in relation to and toward money and my career and who I want to be and what must be one, mostly because of – as I mentioned before – going to the opposite polarity of judging rich people, judging the ‘power’ that some beings had to manipulate others because of money, judging the attitudes rich people would present while neglecting the fact that I had sought to be ‘just that’ as well. All of this while deliberately shoving off the reality that I knew and was well aware was going on in this world.

During this time, I managed to make of poverty and misery something that was just a constant part of my ‘landscape’ yet continuing to seek my personal fulfillment. I could have long talks with my then contemporaries that were sociologists and economists, literature people and talk about social policies and the government and whatnot, but we never ever had an actual definitive realization on how We were absolutely responsible for it. That would be yet another part of my ‘socialization’ wherein sitting in cafés talking for long hours would lead us anywhere, yet believing that we were ‘changing the world’ with our bright intellectual ideas and reunions. Lol

 

So – time for self forgiveness and self-corrective application to disengage from this politeness that I have separated myself from according to all of these memories that I’ve held within myself for the purpose of someday, being able to correlate/ cross-reference if I had ‘made it’ within this world system according to the expectations that I placed onto myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of myself a ‘polite person’ and allowing it to create an inherently positive experience wherein I became part of the ones that are looking forward to become part of a certain elite in this world, which in my case was the ‘intellectual/ well cultured’ people that can certainly only exist in a particular social stratus where money is affluent and where money is not a concern. Therefore, by me acting and playing out being the ‘polite person,’ I was in essence training myself to be part of the ‘polite world’ which I had linked to higher-social stratus of well educated/ well cultured people/ rich people/ intellectuals, because that’s what I wanted to be and ‘where I wanted to belong to.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then create an inherent desire to be and become someone ‘superior’ within the social standards which is why I fed myself so much with knowledge and information as I had given value/ worth to knowledge and information as my ‘talents’ when realizing that I could make a living out of it and still get to an elevated social stratus wherein I could be financially stable and have more than that in order to have a life of luxury and traveling as the dreams that I had created in my mind while neglecting this reality in its entirety.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear losing all the relationships at an intellectual level with writers, sociologists, historians, linguists, and any other person that I deemed as ‘intellectual/ superior’ when I decided to step aside from that world and going into a more ‘noble’ and ‘meek’ path of not wanting to be part of the ‘high spheres in society,’ which came after a particular event that changed my view/ perspective about money and recognition and made a decision that ‘I didn’t want that for my life.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be part of the ‘intellectual people’ as that’s what I gave myself value as, knowledge and information, accumulating data that I could later on speak about and be regarded as ‘important.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play out being the ‘polite person’ among people that I wanted to ‘keep’ as relationships because of already being scheming me being part of such social-circles that I sought to be a part of, mostly because of regarding that I could make a load of money with it while doing something that I regarded as ‘humane’ as possible – which is culture/ words/ arts/ music, etc.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to increment my desire to know and prepare myself within specific careers simply out of the desire to accumulate as much knowledge as possible that I could ‘sell’ as my profession and earn good money out of it. In this I forgive myself that I had denied the fact that my life, my attitude, my politeness had been having money and the desire for money as an obvious drive in the background, while me denying so because in such realms, people seemed to be “humble” about their careers and knowledge – yet having a very affluent type of living, which I also desired to be like/ experience myself as: having money yet not being a ‘show off’ about it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link a proficient vocabulary to being a ‘well cultured person/ well educated/ refined/ well mannered/ polite’ which I have immediately identified as something ‘valuable’ within a person, which is identifying knowledge and information as ‘valuable’ on top of the one and only value that exists which is life and Life cannot ever be knowledge.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having ever criticized/ judged people on how they would place value in their possessions without realizing that I was doing the same toward myself as my own mind in the form of knowledge and information and creating a value toward myself according to it, separating myself absolutely from the one and only reality that is here as myself as my physical body, as life, the life that I absolutely neglected in such times simply because being too busy building myself and preparing/ scheming my way to climb ‘the ladder of success.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blind myself with believing that my parents were unconditionally supporting my decision in life, without realizing that they were ‘happy’ about it because I was aiming to be a ‘rich’ person or having more than enough money and that my aspirations and actions were leading to becoming this ‘important person in society,’ which is why they started reacting when I stopped creating/ forming relationships in society and retreated, because this was linked to me losing all contact with such ‘intellectual people’ and losing the opportunity to be ‘a part of them.’ Now I realize that it was linked to money, to securing my ‘place in the world’ that I also deemed to prefer above any other professions or activities in the world. I was ready to praise myself as knowledge and information only, which I now see is the absolute manifestation of self-interest because I never considered ‘life’ in that, at all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create and build myself within a particular personality wherein I made sure that people would ‘pay attention to me and give me a position of ‘importance’ even at face value, which was linked to my ‘scheming’ of positioning myself within a certain area in society that I could live ‘well’ of and still fulfill my desires to be someone ‘important’ in my world.

 

I commit myself to stand in a position in this world wherein I can truly make use of these attributes in a way that is best for all, because I see and realize that if I had personal interest as a driving force to be ‘preparing’ for such world, I could do the same now with having the starting point the absolute drive to support myself and all beings equally within a position within the world system wherein I no longer ‘fear’ it/ oppose it as some type of rebellion and antagonism stemming from criticism toward money/ power in this world. I realize that being in a position of power in this world cannot possibly exist within me unless I stand as one and equal to all – which means that whatever I have to do within this world system, I realize that I am perfectly able to do so, with having the starting point of doing/ living/ acting and creating myself as someone that can stand within the system to establish a system that is best for all life.

 

I commit myself to use these acquired ‘attributes’ and experiences as a point of reference to see and realize how I am capable of standing in a position that I had deemed as ‘superior’ yet now having a principle to actually stand for, which is life in equality and oneness – and not just following ‘dreams’ of fame, glory and success that I formulated in my mind which I knew would lead me to feel equally empty, because I obviously was not considering the whole in that equation.

 

I realize that the only true-fulfillment that I can create for myself is stemming from the standing and consideration of an overall well-being for humanity, that is my ‘true passion’ and as I got to know from some feedback at the farm ‘I’ve found my purpose in life,’ and the proof of this is that I had not been as consistent toward any particular ‘movement’ or ‘phase’ in my life as I have now within this process, because it is not just ‘another phase’ in my life of seeking my way into the system, it is The Phase and only phase wherein I dare to face myself and take self responsibility for my creation. And I realize that this entails actual work, actual self-commitment that strengthens every day the more I see, I realize and understand the extent to which we have enslaved ourselves to the absolute separation that stops here as myself.

 

Thus, I commit myself to stop any personal interest that stood only in the name of personal glory and success and instead use what is here as myself as a means to establish what is best for all in this world, which I hereby commit myself to walk into its completion as I know that I won’t ever be actually ‘fulfilled’ until this entire world is equalized as myself as who I really am, and for that there is Actual work to do and a long road to walk.

 

 

Suggested support:

An Interview on how when you really have it ALL and you then see yourself in the absolute opposite, your life changes, ‘who you are’ is gone. It is proof of how much we can also disregard within the experience of those in ‘power’ and apparent ‘control’ of their lives – a very cool interview that supported me to open up these points with more ease, to not judge what I have lived and become, but to see it for what it is: unacceptable forms of separation we’ve created in this world:

Life Review – When you Lose your Money – you Lose your Friends

Blogs of the day:


Catharsis

This is a word that I came across with through Sunette whose post I’ll place at the end of this entry for the sake of realizing how it is that we have created all forms of nice words to justify our own mindfucks – literally.

The point here is how this word has become part of the ‘basic formation’ within the study of arts/human expression and their psyche wherein traditional knowledge that goes as far as the Greek tradition is brought ‘here’ to teach people how it is that those that are ‘creators’ as ‘artists’ have this particular quirk, hoisted almost as this ‘special gift’ of being able to  ‘release themselves’ through the exacerbation of human emotions/feelings directed through certain form of performance/expression. This goes as far as the times of Aristotle who explained catharsis in his poetic as a process of ‘purification’ in an almost ‘spiritual’ way, the human purging itself through the expression of such emotions in an apparent ‘detached’ manner which is mostly allowed within theatrical representation in what was originally tragedy. That book is one of the basic ‘pillars’ that you get to read when being involved in some artistic study which I got to prove in two different careers.

The point here is how I ‘resonated’ with this single explanation as the key to justify my own identification with all the emotions and feelings I experienced as well as the continuation of them wherein I literally used this term to justify my experiences as a catalyzer to my ‘expression’. I got to read this book when I first went into studying literature  and since then it became ‘the banner’ I’d take to justify my decision to leave such career and get myself into arts, because ‘I had a lot to express’ rather than dissecting books in a ‘scientific method’. I remember the teachers in literature being very passionate on describing how wonderful human emotions are – there is a LOT of brainwashing going on in such acceptance of emotions as part of ‘human nature’ and any form of considered ‘art’.

So, this is how we go passing on from generation after generation the same bullshit that has been experienced as humanity within the safe tags of it being ‘knowledge’/tradition and ‘education’ wherein any person that gets themselves into an artistic career encounters this word and ‘feels comprehended’ as in ‘having found the place to be in’ because that’s how I experienced myself without EVER pondering at all that such emotions and feelings weren’t actually ‘me’ or ‘real’ for that matter. I t is only now that we know they are energy-generated self-accepted thoughts that generate experiences that I accepted as ‘who I am’, while living in a constant shifty-mode of ups and downs and literally being subject to my emotions and relationships formed around that, while attempting to ‘make a career out of it’ –once again believing that this could ‘make sense’ at the end of it all and that there was a ‘place for me in this world’, wherein the ‘incomprehensible me’ could finally express and be ‘understood’ through being an emotional and sensitive person whose life-purpose was to ‘create art’.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in the self-created experience named and accepted as ‘catharsis’ as the deliberate acts of exacerbating my emotions and feelings for the sake of believing I was ‘expressing myself’ as who I really am and ‘purging myself out’ through directing such outbursts and experiences in what I could deem as ‘artistic expression’, without having ever considered or even questioned the ‘nature’ of such experiences and how I had been the creator of them all throughout my life, never considering that such ‘tormented way’ of existing was in fact self-generated for the sake of making of my life ‘something’, some type of ‘experience’ to not feel ‘empty’ – within this accepting and allowing myself to build myself as a character that would be a prey of emotions and feelings and utilize excuses such as ‘catharsis’ to immerse myself in the depths of my own mind only to come up with anything out and manifest it as ‘part of who I am’ and ‘the need to express’ as ‘works of art’.

The only expression that I truly am exists here as breathe – in-out, one-two – and the rest is just my own mental creation really of which we I realize now I’ve got to take self responsibility for.

We have the ability to now decide and direct ourselves to stand as actual creators that don’t have to motivate themselves to do anything for the sake of ‘purging ourselves’, but instead realize that any build up of emotions and feelings can be self forgiven and within that, we enable us to have a blank page to walk upon each day, without having to check upon our mood-meter to see if we’re up for ‘creating’ or moving and working on something.

From Sunette’s writings:

“Studying, and came across the word: catharsis – “the purging of the emotions or relieving of the emotional tensions esp. through certain kinds of art as tragedy or music.”
http://dictionary.reference.co​m/browse/catharsis

One do not need/require music/art to purge/release/relieve self from/of accumulated / built-up energy that one manifested through/as time, breath by breath as self accepted and allowed self to participate in/as thoughts/memories of/as mind, as all the issues that self has not directed/resolved/solved within/as self.”

I met someone that I later shared with how I was walking this process through Desteni and Self Forgiveness and Writing ourselves to freedom. He insisted that his theatrical-class would have similar effects to what I had shared as the changing of me through stopping my emotions  and that he could experience a ‘release’ the moment of ‘becoming another’ and exerting all the anger and built up of emotions through such fictional character – yet played and lived-out by him. This is an example of  the infamous ‘Catharsis’ and how this man didn’t actually take on further the initiative to investigate HOW such emotional build up had been self-created throughout his life wherein he’d gotten himself to the point of ‘losing himself’ only to find then a ‘way’ to let all of his emotional body out through playing out a character on stage without taking the necessary steps to investigate how such anger and such charge of emotional rubbish was existent within him = in essence taking the tangent way out instead of daring to face himself as his own creation and take self responsibility for it. YET the point is justified within the ‘artistic world’ and even applauded as ‘great performance’ when the actual reality of such ‘human nature’ is not investigated and only ‘accepted’ as part of ‘who we are’; it’s ludicrous how such ‘tormented self experience’ is broadly accepted as part of the individuals that define themselves as ‘artists’. I stopped defining myself as such, I am a human being in the process of becoming a living-physical being, no more identification with any social-role that is defined and confined to be a bundle of emotions. And this is certainly broadly accepted by everyone within such artistic-worlds.

‘It’s always been this way, this is how we are, we are only humans’ – these are some of the usual sayings that justify  the fact that the human being is prey of his own feelings and emotions. I’ve heard people saying that they can only ‘create’ when they’re in a certain mood and how they can justify their inaction due to going through some ‘emotional release/conflict/whatever’ – and this IS then seen as ‘acceptable’! because of having the ‘credential’ of ‘being an artist’ and thus living out the stereotype of tormented sensitive character of existence that can have major uplifts and catastrophic down-hills that people then ‘applaud’ as the “creations” stemming from such liberation/purging are then praised as masterpieces.

Now, all of this I’m able to say in such detail because I’ve walked the point, I’ve believed this myself before, I’ve used it in public as a way to ‘justify what I do’. I used this point of knowledge as vantage point to justify myself as ‘my personality’, my mood, my feelings, my emotions, my attachment to constantly ‘been experiencing something’ and within this, man, the ‘artist’ tag really sucks. Everyone is a literal self-centered ego-maniac that believes that ‘to make real art, we have to suffer’ – that was me and thus the rest of my story in the previous blog which I suggest you read if you haven’t just for the sake of getting the scoop on how we live-out a point of justification within this world, a word that is ‘convenient’ for someone like an ‘artist’ to exist-as regardless of ever questioning HOW the fuck it is all self.created anyways. I can only be glad that I stopped myself before going deeper into the rabbit hole of this ‘emotional-driven creation’ justification.

“Only releasing/relieving/purging self from/of such emotions/feelings is not a long-term/eternal solution that’ll bring change within self and self’s world, because the cause/source/origin of what manifested/created the reactions in the first place hasn’t been identified and so, if one only accept/allow self to purge/release/relieve the energy, self will walk into a time-loop and recreate the same conditions and even worse, because the same unresolved issues/problems within self will layer and layer and layer and eventually manifest self into a possessive-state and take-out self’s unresolved issues onto/towards others or one’s world as the manifested-consequence for not facing what self is accepting and allowing to hide/suppress/ignore within/as self.

Assist/support self with self forgiveness together-with self-corrective application, become the catharsis within/as one’s own world/living – through taking responsibility for one’s internal issues/problems and reactions by releasing self from the energy-reactions and at the same time, through writing – establish effective, directive solutions for the issues/problems self face within self and self’s world and accordingly change one’s living/behaviour to that of solutions; rather than hiding/mulling within the problems within self and self’s world making one’s life unnecessarily more difficult than it’s required to be.

In this, self assist/support self to identify the issue/problem – stop the energy-reactions, find and establish a solution and so make a change within self and self’s world where self will no more accept/allow the same issues/problems to accumulate / manifest and in this process, actually expand self within ‘who self is and how/what self live’.
Be/become a being of change/transformation and expansion – join us in the process of writing, self forgiveness and self-corrective action.” – Sunette Spies

So after reading this self-support point, here redefining Catharsis as the actual lived process of purging myself of any feeling and or emotion as the participation of myself in my mind that I have justified as ‘necessary for creation’ / to create/ to be creative and within that, ensure that anytime that I express myself is here as myself as breath of life without existing in any emotional charge that I then go ‘praising’ as part of my ‘sensitive side of being a human being that feels’ and stops for the sake of seeing things for what they are and thus, direct myself according to stopping such self-created experiences. I see and realize that I’ve lived up to the expectation of a preprogrammed word that in essence holds irresponsibility and negligence towards any self created experience as feelings/emotions.

I stop the accepted and allowed existence and knowledge-point from such word  being lived out/ experienced and/or justified as myself as part of ‘who I am’ within any point of expression and instead, commit myself to  face me and realize that only an ego requires justification to do something, only an ego requires validation and further confirmation of being an experience created in the mind and being cheered for that.

So, quite easy to live in a simplistic way once that such constant requirement to ‘be experiencing something to create’ is stopped. Then we don’t go seeking for ‘inspiration’ or any other life experience to then have something to speak about. We rather get real and express ourselves as what we’ve become, that’s kind of like written educational cautionary tales that can support many to realize what we’ve realized through our life experience.Instead we live out the correction to actually LIVE as being here breathing, physically, directing ourselves, stopping any mind experience and within this existing as actual self-expression that can be equated to breathing as what’s supportive of a life-process.

 

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