Tag Archives: artworld

75. Bursting Dreams to Live Reality

 

How many times have we made decisions in our lives based on what ‘others think’ of ourselves, what we are ‘good at’ and what we should do? In my experience, I took other’s opinions as validations to my own beliefs and ideals, eventually only making decisions once I had gathered enough ‘confirmations’/ validations to my own desires, wherein within the Art point itself, what others said about me and ‘my artwork’ mattered enough to make myself confident about making a decision in life to study art. This implies that I really only allowed myself to be driven by other’s opinions about myself and what I wanted to do, but never fully only considering myself and taking into consideration all consequential outflows from this decision in practical terms: how am I going to live, how can I practically direct myself within this career, what are the odds to ‘hit the jackpot’ in the artworld? To place it shortly: I had fallen in love with art and I made a decision based on this attraction to it, trying to equate myself to that expression through believing that I could ‘make it’ – and the point here is not to digress if I am capable or not, but the starting point of the decisions in my life based on having others’ ‘backup’ for me, just because of not being confident enough to make my own decisions and be self responsible about them.

 

Dreams of fame and fortune

So, here we go with a specific event wherein I was in an art gallery with 2 people – friend and ex-partner – and how the conversations that we would have while staring at other’s works would fuel my ego and my decisions to think that ‘this is it’ and in that, build the idea of myself as ‘an artist’ based on opinions, judgments and my own daydreaming which would happen as I was listening to them and staring at other artists’ works.

The following is an actual picture of that moment wherein I was daydreaming about the stuff that I’ll disclose here:

marlena 2006

 

 

Self Forgiveness Statements

Pattern: Making decisions based on what others think – Not being confident enough to support me in common sense to make my own decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always had waited for other’s opinions and judgments upon myself and ‘what I should do with my life’ in order to make sure that I was making the ‘right choices,’ without realizing that everything that others could point out would be based already on the idea, belief and self-creation process of ‘who I want to be’ – which implies that all the confirmations I would get from others toward myself and my desire to study art, would stem from the same complacency that is played out in relationships, wherein we support each other’s decision without really supporting another to take into consideration that which is practical and best for all –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever project blame onto others for having supported ‘my mind fuck’ when in fact, it was only me-myself that created such mindfuck in the first place, which implies that my desire to get confirmation/ validation upon my choice in life was only stemming from a desire to make myself ‘sure’ as ‘who I am’ as the ego that I was busy building as ‘an artist,’ which means that even if someone could digress from my decision, I would still have taken the road to study art, because I was only looking for the ego-validation as the decision I had already made, but only sought to be ‘sure of’ to give myself more confidence to actually make the decision to change my career and study visual arts.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to step into a gallery with a predisposition to compare ‘what I do’ and ‘what I would imagine myself doing’ from the get go, wherein every time that I go to an art gallery, I access the immediate profile of ‘me being an artist’ and comparing myself to what I’m looking at – (read further in the entry Looking at Art–what is going on up there?)

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to future project myself with having ‘my artwork’ on such gallery walls and delving into the imagination of what my friend suggested as in ‘imagining my works hanging on those walls someday’ – wherein I allowed myself to simply dream about it and never really consider the actual steps and work required to get there, as well as the starting point of such daydreaming desire being a yearning to be famous, to be recognized and to be ‘praised’ just like any other artist.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to what others had to say in that moment wherein they assured ‘you’ll be a great artist someday’ – which links to what my parents would say, becoming proud of me having to be this ‘great professional’ in whatever career I would choose, just because of the reputation I had built around myself as a ‘good student’ and being ‘good at everything I would do’ – which became like foam to elevate myself and my ego, without really taking into consideration the physical, practical reality of my decisions to get myself to such position.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get confidence within my ‘living choices’ to be and become an artist based on the props for my ego I would get from others in that moment wherein I would then delve into imagining my ‘solo show,’ believing that I could someday just get there by the magical wand of my own talents, which is basically daydreaming and using a desire as a way to make decision in life based on ‘what I wanted to be’ as a preference and infatuation, but never really considering the practicality of my decision in a world wherein Money must be made on a constant basis to live and survive.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fully delve into the desire and experience of imagining myself being an ‘important artist’ and famous, well known wherein this desire for fame and fortune stood as ‘my dream to come true’ that I thought I could attain by deciding to study arts and simply ‘get it’ because ‘I was so good at it,’ which proves how we can take other’s opinions and judgments as a way to validate our own self-belief in means of ‘fulfillment’ based on separation from self.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to already feel ‘special’ and ‘important’ whenever others would compare the works in that gallery to what I do and judging it as ‘less than’ what I do, which is how through comparing works by subjective opinions/ judgments, I came to build up my self-belief as being in fact ‘better’ than others and having ‘all that is required’ to be a great artist based on opinions/ judgments and my own desire to be special, which I used to validate my desire to be and become an artist.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into my ego-mode and actually voice out that ‘yes, the artworld needs some ‘Marlen’ in it’ as a way to validate that I was in fact ‘better’ than others as a way to make myself feel like I was already a ‘true artist’ because others could recognize it as well –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, from these moments, feel More secure to make the decision to go to art school, because of what my friends would say about ‘my art,’ and deeming them as great judgments because they are ‘cultured people’ and ‘well read’ which meant that their opinions/ judgments were ‘valid’ in my mind-scheme of values, wherein if someone else had said, it would not have mattered that much – but because they ‘knew of art’ and would be validating my stuff = I felt like such validations were Real and ‘truth’ and ‘meaningful’ for me to take them into consideration and think that I should then be ‘really’ good at it

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at works of art with a critical eye, wherein I am not here as myself breathing and embracing other’s expression as self, but immediately compare myself and what I do to ‘what others do,’ accessing the value-mode of seeing myself as better/ worse than other’s works, which is unacceptable because when existing in superiority, I would feel ‘good’ about my work- and when seeing myself as less/ worse than the artwork on the wall, I’d go into depression and self-deprecation.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take pride on what I do as ‘my art’ and whenever I compare it as being ‘better than’ others’ works of art in specific galleries, building up this sense of trust and confidence which is not Self-Confidence and Self-Trust, but only validation of the ego through comparison, which is then nothing else but another value-game that I accepted and allowed myself to play as ‘the rules’ within the artworld.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into daydreaming, fantasizing about myself being the one having that show in that art gallery, being proudly recognized and praised in my home town, going far away into me traveling around the world with my works – wherein I used this daydreaming to fuel the ‘artist’ personality, beginning to believe myself to be better than others and be special, which is how I initiated my career and taking pride based on others’ judgments toward my work.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I only had to get myself a license to ‘be an artist’ to be validated in the artworld, which is how I saw everything as ‘very simple’ to do without really taking into consideration all aspects and dimensions of my decision, but simply making a decision based on my daydreaming, others’ opinions upon what I do and using that as a validation to be and become ‘an artist.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be driven by my desires to be famous wherein ‘going to New York’ to one day exhibit my work became like this Mecca for me, wherein I associated being able to one day present my work there as the ultimate lifetime achievement, believing that I could only be ‘fulfilled’ and consider myself as ‘successful’ if I could get to that place one day as a ‘consummated artist,’ not realizing that I was in fact just following my dreams and not really giving a fuck about the world, the actual system that we live in but falling into the trap of seeking my own desires and dreams while having only the ‘intention’ to do some ‘good for the world’ only once that I could get to such position, which is absolutely what any other charity works like: only giving a little of the ‘greatness’ achieved as money as fame/ fortune for the ‘have nots’ and feel better about myself within such future projection as in: following my dreams BUT also supporting the ‘poor ones.’ Which is absolutely, unacceptable – and

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access shame of myself as how I existed back then, because of the world system, this entire reality never having been a part of my plans and decisions in life, but only following what everyone else was busy doing: seeking to be successful in any ‘field’ of reality that they wanted to develop themselves in, just for the sake of personal interest/ personal development wherein an actual point of Self-Responsibility toward the world was Never considered as part of the plans, which is how I allow myself to let go of the regret that I’ve been holding on to with regards to this choice I made in my life based on my own desires, wants, needs and delusional dreams of grandeur that I actually followed until everything was clear enough for me: I had brainwashed myself and others to support my decision based on self-interest and the ego-praise that everyone in society supports – whereas when one stops following such ‘dream,’ one is seen as ‘not successful’ simply because the specialness and perpetuation of the ego is not ‘here’ any longer, which is placing a stop to the system of career-choices to enhance egos/ keeping the system in place, as I realize that standing for life in equality is not better or worse than, it’s just a life-decision to take self-responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to daydream about ‘elite people’ bowing down to my work which only gave me a sensation of power over those that I would perceive as ‘more powerful’ than me, due to all the money they have, which I took as a challenge to walk through, because of all the previous judgments I had held toward ‘the elite’ people and the artworld itself, wanting to prove to others that I could be ‘praised by those with money’ and in that, building a fortress around myself as my own ego.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make a decision about me being ‘sure enough’ to be an artist after all the daydreaming/ future projection with backchat in my mind, seeing myself as ‘totally making it’ according to what others would say about me/ my work as well, which made me confident enough to propose this to my parents and let them know that ‘art was my REAL profession, and that I had to be/ become an artist no matter what.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had a ‘true passion to create,’ without realizing that I was simply using the same lingo charged with feelings of grandeur toward art/ art creation and that I used this as a tool to convince myself, others and my parents specifically to support my decision to study art, letting them know that ‘I cannot envision myself doing anything else in this world other than art,’ which is a great fallacy and self manipulation to only follow my dreams of superiority, fame, fortune, money, recognition and grandeur that I sought.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to convince myself to make life-decisions based on the desires stemming from myself as my ego, stemming from myself as the acceptance of a desire as a separation of who I am as one and equal wherein art became this ‘idolized’ field of reality that I wanted to be a part of, just because of how I programmed myself to see it as an elevated and ‘evolved’ human activity, how I deemed it as something special, a ‘divine gift’ to see the world in a ‘different way,’ and within this justifying that I had to drop out of literature and change my plans in life, following the ‘big jackpot’ in the artworld.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself in the moment of doubting my decision by using a point of comparison to what I was studying then and saying ‘I cannot see myself remaining studying literature’ – which became a way to simply manipulate myself further into believing I was making the ‘best decision ever’ now that I had gathered others’ perspectives upon who I am and my own life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the belief of ‘my thing is to create’ as an actual self-manipulation that I’d play out in order to talk-myself-into believing that I could only become an artist, I could ‘only’ be satisfied following these dreams, which became also a fear within me when going into the opposite point of ‘not making it’ and fearing the failure of myself within it – yet deliberately shoving such fear away because of the extent of the ‘positive validations’ I got from others and myself included to believe that: there was No way I could fail in this…

I realize how limited it is for us to only have to decide ‘who/ what we are’ as only  a profession, instead of living the expansion of who and what we are as one and equals and in that, realizing that no matter what we do, as long as we are taking the whole into consideration: we will stand by the decision we take as life supports life and there is no ‘wrong decision’ within doing what’s best for all.

 

Ideal Future

Ideal Future 2003  (she still looked clueless and worried lol)

 

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself making decisions based on other’s opinions about ‘what I am good at’ wherein only a self-belief as personality is considered, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I must direct myself in a way wherein Who I Am is no longer bound to a preference, a desire, an ideal of myself in my life but instead decide to direct my life in a way that I can ensure that the choice that I make will be in support of myself and all equally, taking a position in my world wherein I can actually dedicate my life to Life itself, supporting myself and others, which implies that I must establish my own equality and oneness so that there are no more desires existent within me to ‘fulfill’ in separation of what’s best for all, but I ensure that I walk the decision to dedicate myself to life, and within this, whatever decision I take on in any particular field, the starting point of it will be very clear: life in equality as myself in all ways.

 

When and as I see myself doubting my own choice, I realize that in such allowance of becoming the doubt, I am diminishing myself to uncertainty that is existent only when a conflict of interests exists within me – which implies that I must clarify for myself first where such doubt stems from – what am I trying to protect? What and who am I manipulating to impose ‘my way’ as ‘my choice,’ instead of considering at all times what is best for all life – within this, I realize that any friction and conflict emerging from a decision based on common sense, must be specifically scrutinized to see where I am creating such conflict from self-interest, desires, wants and needs that I realize are always in the way of the consideration of what’s best for all life.

 

When and as I see myself resorting to the memory of myself as ‘an artist’ to create an idea of not being ‘satisfied’ with my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that such idea of self was created from the starting point of everything that I allowed myself to be only as my mind, which implies that ‘who I am’ here as a common sensical being will no longer be bound to a preference, an ideal or desire of ‘who I want to be,’ but instead realize that I am already here, walking the living decision to support myself as life, and within that, seeing that no ‘dream’ can ever be an actual self-directed decision as dreams are always only based on what the mind places in our ‘heads’ to continue existing in the limitation of personality, ego/ preference – thus, I ‘remind’ myself that This process implies letting go of my personal interests in the name of ALL as Equals wherein there is no need to only be ‘one single thing’ and diminishing myself to one single point, but instead, learn to expand myself in a way that I can verify I am in fact supporting myself and others, which will imply at all times the consideration of life in Equality and never more just a ‘career’ or ‘profession’ based on likes and dislikes and personal dreams.

 

When and as I see myself going into the hypothetical daydreaming activity of ‘who I could have been if I have ‘given it all’ to my career’ – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have bound myself to such dreams and idealizations of my life based on the accumulation of desires linked to people’s opinions about myself, my work/ my life, and that in no way I ever considered life in equality in such equation of ‘career choice’ – thus I see that everything that I have to ‘let go of’ was never in fact ‘real’ as myself, as it was only based on preferences and future projections that I in no way walked in an equal-and-one consideration of myself as life and all. Thus, I let go of the dream for the illusion that it always was.

 

When and as I see myself daydreaming about ‘all that could have been’ in relation to myself and the art career, I realize that such dreams were stemming from my desires to be famous, recognized and ‘praised’ as an ego that was formed when listening to others and my own backchat about myself being ‘special’ and ‘unique,’ which is the most basic form of ego-driven decisions that exist, therefore I realize that in order to walk my decision to life/ to live, I can no longer hold any dream as valuable within my decision. Once that I have made the decision to live, I ensure that any temptation as a daydreaming moment is an indication that I am not wanting to face a particular living-decision that requires my attention and focus to not deviate from the position of Self-Responsibility that I have decided to walk, thus I breathe and bring here the point that is leading me to ‘desire escaping = desire my daydreams’ due to how I had connected my career to a way to be evasive toward and of the world itself.

 

When and as I see myself basing people’s opinions and judgments upon myself/ the world based on the idea/ belief and perception that I have of them as ‘well-cultured’ / knowledgeable/ intelligent beings, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me just perpetuating the same system of values that are in fact abusive toward the world system, maintaining specialness and hierarchies over the realization of life in equality. I stop wanting to remain within a special ‘group of people’ that can be considered as ‘well cultured/ knowledgeable/ intellectual’ as the people I used to hang out with and have relationships toward, as I see that none that has ever contributed to a world in Equality, nor is there any Real care and consideration to doing something that will create a real change in life, and our world. Thus I let go of the dream for the fallacy that it always was and the judgments/ opinions from others that it was backed up with.

 

When and as I see myself fearing not fulfilling the ideas/ beliefs and perceptions others had about me and my life/ future within the belief that I would get to be someone ‘great’ and ‘extraordinary,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that all those expectations were only a heavy load for me to remain as the ‘ever perfection’ idea of myself that was backed up by people around me, wherein I then created this great expectation upon myself, falling into a disillusionment and even self-belittlement the moment that such high-expectations were not able to be fulfilled. Which is how and why I can now see that none of that was ever of any value as Life and what’s best for all was in no way considered in such plans as ‘my life’ and ‘who I want to be,’ – thus I let go of the dreams for the fallacies that they are and entail.

 

When and as I see myself going back to the pattern of ‘wanting to create only’ I realize that this is mostly an evasive pattern that I used to seclude myself, forget about the world and everyone and essentially fuel my self-obsessions and desires without any common sense direction to my life and ‘who I am’

 

Thus, the realization that I get from this is that I chose a career in order to fly away from the world, not having to face myself and the ‘monetary system’ because of seeing it as ‘the bad guy’ and ‘the monster’ that wanted to only suck us dry – deciding to instead make art as a ‘noble way’ to earn money, without ever even pondering that I could support myself to be the change that I wanted to see in the world instead of finding ways to evade it and run away from it. I make sure that the decisions that I take on as my life from here on are based on what is best for all, wherein all forms of desires are seen as the limited version of myself that I thought myself to be, that I created of myself as to limit my real capacity and ability to do that which I thought was impossible: create a change in this world, and this won’t come only from me following a dream, but taking a position within the system wherein I can ensure that I am no longer controlled by desires and fears to be and become that which I will require to do and become in order to establish a world and reality wherein All can placidly decide what to do with their lives without having a need to ‘have more’ than others or ‘survive’ only, but really be supported from birth to death and in that, having a Real Choice to establish a common sensical living decision for oneself and all as equals.

 

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Desteni Forum for Self Support

Equal Money System so that All can express and live the ‘dreams’ that we are currently only able to hold as an illusion due to MONEY being the main obstacle to be able to express/ live as equals to Life.

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Day 30: Artistic Filter

So I write about this today as it came up in chats, writings from other Destonians and also within looking at the influence that art/ artists had on my life that lead me to want to be ‘part of the artworld’ in one way or another. This will be specifically directed to look at the values that I imprinted on people related to this ‘realm’ while I was growing up as a child, and being mostly influenced by musicians, which is a point that I have written about before – however this is now within the understanding of the special-values and ‘special place’ I’ve given to art within my world as something that ‘captured’ my attention in such a way that music/ art became ‘my world of wonders’ and day dreaming wherein the world was reduced to a single ‘idea’ separated from myself wherein I apparently ‘had nothing to do with/ was none of my business,’ which implies that it became ‘my point of separation’ from the world and ‘the interest’ in my life that I had not considered could be aligned to be a what’s best for all activity in my reality, but where I only sought recognition, self fulfillment and having a ‘great life’ while ignoring the actual conditions of this world while seeking to live out ‘my dreams’ in this lifetime, which certainly didn’t include considering what’s best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from a part of my reality that I have considered as ‘art’ which I have placed as more valuable than other things/ other people around me in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance to write about art because I have justified a lifetime of personal satisfaction, pleasure, escapism and perceived personal specialness when it comes to art, art works, music and artists themselves.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to idolize people that create art, that are denominated as ‘artists’/ musicians which I have equated to being ‘more valuable beings’ in reality and separating people according to being artists/ being non-artists in my mind, wherein  I ‘make up my mind’ about them and ‘who they are’ accordingly, which is a prejudice that has become an automated perception of specialness as an aura that I sought to ‘have’ myself as well.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to pursue an artistic career within the starting point of equating my life to those that apparently had a ‘great life’ of freedom and joy and expression which I have separated from myself the moment that I decided to become a character in reality, instead of considering that all characters are equally determined by a predisposition to only satisfy one’s needs and desires, which implies that everything that I’ve become has been equal to any other being that pursues happiness while disregarding everything implied to make of such ‘pursuit of happiness’ a reality, which can only exist upon abuse as there is no equality in such pursuit of happiness within this world at the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become my own wall street mind wherein everything and everyone that had to do with ‘art’ I placed more value on, considered as superior as ‘special beings’ without realizing that I only did this to justify my own pursuit of being equal to such greatness wherein everything that had to do with becoming a solution to this world was candidly side viewed by taking an opposition to the system and becoming then the walking-neglect toward reality, as the tangible and physical world that I stopped looking at because I saw myself as ‘insignificant’ to make a change in it, without realizing that this was only because I sought to do things ‘by myself’ instead of taking the time and effort to establish myself as an individual within the collective to create actual change.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify aloofness, craziness, rebellion, antagonism, general disregard of reality when it comes to hearing artists and their perspectives on reality, wherein I filter their expression through the ‘artistic filter’ that I’ve created as ‘special values’ wherein I appraise someone’s expression according to the value that I have given to art, musical and verbal expression in what I have deemed as ‘artistic expression,’ which are labels that I have used in my mind in order to justify the ‘eccentric nature’ that I have deemed artists/ musicians to be, wherein my fascination for all things art tend to override my common sense, within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to still hold ‘art’ and ‘artistic expression’ as something ‘special’ and ‘unique’ within my mind toward people and parts of my reality, wherein I occupy myself as my mind and take myself for a ride to ‘escape from reality’ as in not being aware of myself, here breathing, wherein for a moment I lose all perspective of myself and everything that exists is me getting an experience/ seeking a positive experience from watching artists performing, speaking, looking at photographs, pictures, paintings, drawings, lyrics and anything that I have used to feed a personal special consideration toward a part of reality that I have separated from everything else – in this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place special value to any form of entertainment that I decided I would dedicate my life to, without ever realizing that within this I was opting to become that very dissociation from what is here by following my dreams, preferences, happiness wherein any other career choice was overlooked and dismissed because I followed my desires and what I grew up  with as music, entertainment, arts – because it seemed like a ‘pure thing’ to do, be and become as way to ‘be in this world’ but ‘not of this world,’ as an antagonism that I sought to become.

 

Today we have millions of people considering themselves as artists wherein in fact, we all have an equal ability to express ourselves regardless of considering it as ‘art’ or not, it is a point of expression that I see and realize I am able to stand one and equal to, wherein I no longer hold a special value to a part of reality that I have compartmentalized, categorized into a ‘special place’ in my mind as something that is ‘more valuable’ than the rest of my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give ‘more value’ to a person whenever I get to know that they are involved in any artistic endeavor, which reveals that I have lived by these rules/ value schemes in my mind without ever having taken a moment to see how I lived such inferiority toward people that I deemed as ‘idols’ and that I looked up to because of them representing the idea of liberation, freedom of expression and an apparent great life which lead me to want to experience the same in my life by becoming ‘an artist’ – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive that I wasn’t pursuing my happiness with becoming an artist in the usual ambitious and greedy way that I would criticize, but because it was about art – writing, music, painting, etc. – I would deem it as a ‘purer way’ to make a living and live a life that wasn’t as ‘tainted’ as anyone else’s that I perceived as ‘blatantly capitalist’ constantly seeking for money, power, fame, recognition in whatever area of reality they would work in, without realizing that the actual core of the motivation to become an artist did include all of the above in a secretive manner.

 

I realize that within this mechanism of separating ‘the art world’ from the ‘rest of the world,’ I created a major division in my reality that comes up as an immediate preference toward anyone that holds the label of being artist, musician and anyone else within the artworld, wherein it becomes very obvious that preferences are created, becoming the very continuation of the separation that we have lived as within our world, wherein we all separate ourselves into various ‘cults’ of personalities and preferences in order to always have something to define us by as a ‘group,’ which in this case is art, artistic expression, art and music expression, which is an area of this reality that is no different to any other activity. I have only been the one that has created this automated divide wherein ‘who I am’ toward people varies according to them being related to ‘the art world’ or not.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever want to ‘be an artist’ to keep myself within the realm of reality that I considered as ‘more innocent’ and ‘less ambitious’ yet absolutely ‘special’ as a unique activity that is considered as a ‘profession ’ wherein I became my very own limitation within thinking that I could only relate myself to people that could be in ‘the same wavelength’ as myself within wearing the ‘artistic personality suit,’ and within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate and consider a being’s expression as ‘more valuable’ and ‘special’ when it came to realizing/ knowing that they are related to ‘art’ and being ‘artists,’ when in fact it is no different to any other realm of reality wherein groups define and value each other according to a set of preferences upon an aspect of reality, creating separation from the whole in a ‘socially acceptable manner’ wherein any act/ doing that is labeled as ‘art,’ is justified and seen through a special ‘filter’ toward reality when claiming it is ‘art,’ which means that an underlying acceptance of ‘anything goes’ and ‘free will’ is exerted in ways wherein even animal abuse, personal abuse, sexual objectification of humans is ‘okay’ because ‘it is art.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never expose the actual conflict that I would get when realizing what was being done with reality in the name of ‘art,’ because I had chosen to be a part of that world and within that, perceiving that I could not sabotage my own little charming world as a special niche that I wanted to preserve in my life, wherein I could still have an apparent ‘momentary escapism’ from reality; when in fact art is simply an expression that reflects our ‘nature’ as human beings and within that, it is no more or less than any other living expression that is equally here in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to defend acts of either violence, boycotts, riots, anger, madness, random destruction, vandalism, harming living beings, self-harm, physical deprivation in the name of art, wherein I would see such beings as heroes in my mind and anti-heroes when it came to the usual idea of ‘heroes’ in our society, which would make an ‘artist’ as someone even ‘more special’ for having dared to challenge reality in the name of ‘their expression’ as a symbol of what I deemed as ‘freedom.’

 

I realize that within this I would immediately justify any attitude, expression and creation because it is art. And within that it is no different to saying that the laws are not questionable because ‘god created them.’ In this

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to ponder artists as semi-gods that were apparently ‘god’s special creators’ to reveal some form of transcendental ‘truth’ to humanity that I wanted to be a part of, because it would make me feel good to be a part of the ‘special people’ in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have countless hours of self-talk/ conversations wherein I would hear myself talking about ‘my work of art’ and imagining how it would be to explain yourself and get all the flowers and recognition – when in fact in reality it is no different to talking to any other person about what they are living in their mind and just throwing out an entire personality that is assessed within the social conglomerate wherein ‘I rate’ who that person is according to their ‘talents,’ which is only preprogrammed traits that we have used to separate ourselves wherein we define who we are according to what we do as having a specific ‘talent,’ when in fact it is all about self definitions, self image and self-acceptance that is projected onto others to get enough positive energy from them as a confirmation that we are apparently special/ doing great/ while in reality, we are no different to any other being playing the fame game and seeking self-glorification.

 

I commit myself to expose how within the labels that we become and embody as ‘who we are’ in our mind has come to determine ‘what we do’ wherein such actions, thoughts, deeds override any point of common sense and consideration of what’s best for all when only caring about satisfying my personal needs, interests, likes, preferences that are Not aligned to what is best for all.

 

I commit myself to reveal how we have become our very own stock market within creating special values/ special placements toward people/ things/ reality in separation of who we are as one and equal in the name of keeping our little piece of heaven intact as a resort to escape from reality to not actively become part of the necessary change that is required in this world.

 

I commit myself to stand up as life as what is best for all wherein who I am as that decision determines what I do – and who I am is not defined by what I do but simply walk the necessary process to make sure that I live as the realization of what must be done in this reality to finally be able to express and live a real meaningful life that is not determined by/ based on the current ‘spheres’ of reality that are in fact cults of self interest that have not united for the sake of creating a world that’s best for all, but have only united by common selfish interests that disregard at all times the very breath that keeps us pursuing such pointless personal dreams of self-glorification and satisfaction that can only exist if someone else is abused in this reality, due to how everything ‘positive’ is equal to money and money exists as the very cause of separation in this world. 

 

I commit myself to live the decision that I’ve taken to walk the necessary doings and directing myself in my world to stand in a position where I can support myself and others to realize who we really are as life and the practical living actions that must be done in order to support each other to finally learn how to Live – and once that is done, self expression as art can emerge as an inherent living reality wherein no more ‘art worlds’ will exist in separation of life, but life itself will become the ultimate expression of life which is then everything that I ever sought to be within ‘art’ –  We can give this to ourselves within this lifetime, walking the necessary process of Self-Honesty to realize: we are here, we are the solution we ever sought and we have this life to make it count for all as equals.

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Equal Money System 

 

I stop being the wonderer in life and commit myself to practical feasible solutions wherein who I am as the decision to bring about a world that’s best for all determines what I do.

 

Blogs

Recommended Interview to understand the process we’re walking here:

Reptilians – Why do Relationships Exist – Part 35
Why the Money-System does not Care about Life

And on art/ music/ activism:

Life Review – Seeing the Good when only the Bad Prevails

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