Tag Archives: assuming

December 17, 2017

611. Assuming What Others Are Experiencing

By Marlen

 

I’ve written a couple of blogs about assuming and how I have to take a breath, and slow down whenever I see myself doing this, but the reality is that stopping is not the only solution because there is a righteousness veil within considering that ‘I know that what I’m seeing, perceiving, sensing is right’ as in ‘I have a right to keep assuming/thinking that this is really happening.’ Righteousness is one of those lockdown experiences and self-beliefs where we become tough-heads and don’t take a moment to question what is it that we are really defining as real, as truth, as ‘how things are,’ which is what usually leads to assuming and within that projecting onto others what we believe ‘they’ are going through, not realizing that we are in fact the source of such assumptions.

I have found it actually entertaining to see how is it that whatever I assume a person ‘is like’ becomes completely debunked once that I get to talk to them more or get to actually have a moment to see how they express and share themselves beyond just me seeing them ‘from afar’ so to speak. I had this recently with a couple of people that I had perceived that ‘they didn’t seem to like me that much’ just because they weren’t as ‘expressive’ or ‘friendly’ in my definition of how I express friendliness, also considered that when comparing them to others in their midst in terms of being talkative or interacting in a more extroverted way.

Though, once that I had an opportunity to actually talk to them, things were quite different and I got to see how they are simply a different kind of person – lol –  in that they might not be a boisterous and sociable as others, they just like to share in a more calm, cool and collected manner, or have more specific conversations rather than relating to people in the midst of a group.  In that I also realized how much I tend to from the get go still judge certain people based on just observing them, trying to ‘label’ them as a certain kind of person without having any actual moment of interaction, but more assessing ‘who they are’ for example in the context of a larger group of people, which at times can be limiting for certain people that feel more open and comfortable when being in one on one interactions, rather than on a casual/social context.

I’ve found that assumption comes as a desire to control, a desire to believe that ‘I know’ what I am dealing with when it comes to being with people or certain environments, certain activities, it’s like this ‘crutch’ that I believe I need in order to ‘know where I stand’ or ‘know what I’m dealing with.’ But, for the most part I’ve seen how this has fueled a lot of judgments towards others and it’s become a preposterous limitation because even when I am creating a seemingly ‘positive label’ towards another, then anything that they do that doesn’t match such assumption of ‘who they are’ within this ‘positive light’ I project upon them, then it creates a noise within me where I then tend to get disillusioned or disappointed about such person, without realizing that ‘Hey! I created these parameters, labels and definitions of ‘who they are’ as judgments all by myself! So, how can I be disappointed about someone’s actions or words based on me being the one that created such idea of ‘who they ‘entirely’ are’?

I’ve observed how assumption is born out of lack of actually communicating, interacting and understanding the person in any given moment or situation, which means at the same time that I am thinking more ‘up there’ in my head making conclusions about ‘who they are’ and ‘who am I’ in relation to them instead of actually getting to know a person, ask questions, establish communication wherein I can get to know and understand others better. I definitely enjoy asking questions, getting to know another, but this is not necessarily so easy to do with people you’ve just seen a couple of times or just met, which is where I see my inner experience towards them being rife with assumptions and a point that I have to remind myself next time I’m in the presence of people I’ve never been with in my life. I’ve also been realizing how much time it actually gets for some people to open up about things, and within that I have to understand that I might approach things in a more direct or immediate way, but not everyone’s like that.

I saw this with how one of these people I had assumed ‘didn’t like me as much’ opened up only after months of being around their midst, and completely turned around my prejudices only to show me and remind me how quick I am to jump into conclusions and project an idea I create – judge – others for and place them into these cookie cutter ideas that are only in my head… definitely relevant for me to remain present, to rather ask and be direct in my interactions and communication, while also considering the time it takes to develop such communication with others.

On another line of assumption, I’ve also seen how the negative assumptions I’ve created about someone’s experience or ‘state of being’ in a moment is definitely a cool mirror I can use for myself. An example is how I can assume that someone is irritated about something, that they are displeased or just not feeling as their usual ‘stable self’ and in that, I noticed I went into the experience of ‘there’s something bothering them, annoying them, they are not being their usual cool self so what’s bothering them?’ And the next step went into believing that it’s me/my presence that might be bothering them, or whether I did something wrong. That’s an example of a moment where I allowed myself to go into a reaction based on what I believed I was perceiving and let it fester for a some hours until I simply had to ‘let it out’ in the open and discuss it, but I missed taking the point back to self first to see how I am projecting my own self doubt, self-judgment or inadequacies onto another and believing ‘that’s their experience,’ when in fact it was entirely first of all related to something I had to look at within myself first.

Therefore there’s two things I am practicing to do: first, take the point back to self, seeing how I am reacting to Assuming someone else is reacting or experiencing themselves in a particular way or are a certain ‘kind of person.’. Say I react in insecurity when seeing someone feeling ‘off’ or ‘bothered’ or ‘annoyed’ – I have to first look at where am I actually feeling annoyed, off or bothered by seeing, perceiving a change in another and how I am then reacting to the assumptions I’m creating in my own mind, making me then go into an emotional experience about my assumptions, and that definitely doesn’t assist in actually getting to know what the source of this change is all about starting with myself.

Second point is to work with my assumptions, to see what is bothering me, what I feared losing, what I was desiring as an experience or outcome in something and that usually leads me to see where I become bothered or irritated myself, so that I can take responsibility for those expectations and calm myself down about it, which happens when I acknowledge my own experience as my own creation.

Third point is to actually communicate about it once I am settled and have worked through it within myself, even if it’s not in a thorough manner but once I can notice I’m more grounded and not ‘taken over’ by a reaction, I can ask the person if there’s something going on, if there’s a change in how they experience themselves, or simply share how I’m perceiving this/that experience in their voice tonality or in their presence.

Now doing this comes with being unconditional about it, not expecting to ratify what I was perceiving, not expecting the person to even open up entirely about the situation, but simply sharing and expressing what I was seeing and experiencing, maybe even share what I saw and how I worked with it myself and now simply opening up to see if there’s anything that the other person could reflect back on.

 Being unconditional within communicating about things after I’ve cleared my own assumptions means also being OK and embracing if the person is actually going through reactions or experiences that they would rather not speak about or have to first deal with themselves. That’s part of me applying understanding in how I cannot expect someone to ‘share it all’ and ‘have it all sorted’ in one go – each one of us deals with experiences in different ways, and I have to embrace that, remind myself of that each time that I am even slightly expecting ‘another’ to say or do things a particular way that resembles ‘how I do things.’ That’s where within living the word understanding it means embracing and accepting different people in how they deal with their points, walk their lives and experiences.

Another aspect of understanding and being unconditional when communicating about points that were noticed, perceived or assumed about a person or situation is not taking it personal if another in fact is going through an experience based on a situation we are directly involved in – or something we did or say – it’s about placing myself in the shoes of another and be able to understand how these experiences can emerge in them, and use that to get to know them better, which is actually quite cool and supportive for me because I enjoy getting to know people at deeper levels, it’s just like that kind of nutritional value or richness that opens up when one is able to learn more about another at deeper levels, I thoroughly enjoy it even if that means that the person is actually having to go through some difficult points at times, I then get to know or understand more about them, and that’s very cool and something that can only unfold through communication.

A funny one is where I perceived one guy to be sort of timid or shy with playing an instrument, and kind of feeling uncertain to move too much – compared to how others do it – and yesterday I told him ‘hey! I noticed you are getting more loose and at ease with yourself, being more playful in your expression’ and he explained how he had always been that way, it’s just that the other instrument he was playing was too heavy for him to do that kind of stuff, so his movements were limited – but this time he was playing a lighter one so could move around with ease. Lol, again I had to laugh at my own assumption of ‘how the person is’ and not considering physical reality contexts that sometimes yes, limit one’s expression in very real ways.

Another example of assuming things and not considering physical reality limitations is when believing or perceiving that someone is in an emotional reaction and not really getting to know that they are in fact going through the initial stages of an illness or are in physical pain. So in my mind I went too far into making all kinds of ideas and theories as to why someone is seeming ‘off’ in a certain moment, yet not really asking about it directly to know more about what’s going on or what’s really ‘off’ in them? So in this case again, clarity and awareness of what’s really going on only happened through communication and go to know that yes, the person was having a low in their physical body, which is something I had not considered at all.

Of course this process of asking and getting to know more about what one is perceiving about something or someone in a situation is more plausible with closer relationships, but it can also be a way to get to know another more whenever we clearly notice there’s something going on with them, while also making sure that I’m clear in my starting point and being willing to assist now that I’m deciding to take that step further into opening up a point with another.

These are some of the recent examples I’ve faced when it comes to assuming and projecting onto others my own judgments or experiences, and overall it has become a humbling process that reminds me how I have to stop myself on my track whenever I am jumping into assuming what another is going through, and if I am close with the person then communicate about it, share, because that then leads to getting to know and so understand someone much better. But, there are also those times when I might not get as much ‘info’ on it, and that’s ok to, I have to also be considerate and so understanding if someone would not want to share all of their details and experience about something.

The word that comes up is how demanding or exigent I can become with ‘wanting to know’ all the details there are to something or someone’s experience, and that is also then like mind-thirst that I have to moderate, because as much as I can be naturally curious, I also sometimes go a bit overboard in asking people questions about themselves and their lives, and not everyone is open and willing to do that… I can try, but definitely have to also get to hear more who they are within what they are willing to share, rather than going straight into ‘deep stuff’ from the get go. This is a side point to assuming because I’ve also at times created ideas of ‘the life that someone has gone through’ which leads me to ask questions about themselves, their personal lives in order to verify ‘my assumptions’ and well, that’s not entirely cool if the other person is really not willing to ‘go there’ when it comes to sharing. To sum up: I have to step out of being an ‘analyst’ all the time and instead be more unconditional within the time and interactions I get to have with others!

So, the words that have assisted me to walk through this is understanding, both to understand my own reactions and experiences upon assuming something – and understanding another based on actually communicating what I am seeing, perceiving and within that debunking the myths and beliefs about it to then get to a solid ground of what’s really going on, which to me is an awesome thing to do, it creates clarity within reality, which to me leads me to stop theorizing too much about things, and stick to the facts,.

I also recommend checking out this recording released through Eqafe.com which may seem like not related to this at all, but it was actually supportive to hear how someone else is dealing with perceptions he can have about others in his life and how to ground them practically in reality, because of all of the reasons described above with approaching someone and opening up about something one might perceive they are going through or experiencing. So I can take that practical explanation to my process here with assumptions and perceptions as well, check it out!  Developing Sensory Abilities – The Quantum Mechanics of Paranormal Events – Part 51

And Cerise also made a cool vlog about it which became a cross-reference to the points I’ve been looking at for quite some time now, so check it out as well Projecting Makes an Ass of Me

I’ll continue with the points that have been revealed about myself when going into these moments of assuming things, because that’s where there are some ‘ingrained fibers’ of my personalities and experiencing coming through that I definitely need to work with.

Thanks for reading 🙂

 

 Assumption

   

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July 16, 2017

583. Intimacy Starts Within

By Marlen

Or how to share oneself in an open and unconditional manner with others after living self-intimacy for oneself first.

I’ll share a about an experience that opened up while I was communicating with someone about a subject or topic that I had not particularly shared about with anyone else before, therefore already holding this ‘charge’ within myself of sharing something quite ‘intimate’ or ‘secret’ within me that I had not opened up before or shared about myself with others because of having existed in a relationship of shame, regret and therefore secrecy towards it.

Here I created a predisposition of perceiving that what I was sharing with the person was ‘more meaningful’ or more ‘intimate’ than other topics, like imposing an idea of specialness towards it instead of simply sharing it for what it is – though it’s understandable here in my case considering that it’s the kind of experience one initially has when ‘opening up’ a rather ‘sensitive’ topic or what one has defined as ‘sensitive’ or ‘intimate’ or ‘secret’ aspect of ourselves to another, which I have in a way identified as ‘being intimate’ with another, which I’d say cannot really exist as such within an aura of specialness, but a simple seeing within self first and then sharing it with another, which is what I was doing in that moment according to my starting point.

So when I was sharing about this aspect of myself that I had already defined as  ‘I am sharing this for the first time with another’ there I was kind of already making it something ‘more’ than what it is in in fact in my head, which is also the reason why I had not shared about it before – and I noticed how the other person was looking away or dealing with something else in that moment,  which I communicated to see if there was something to be attended on in order to ‘get past it’ and kind of ‘get the focus back on myself’ but in that insta-moment what was triggered within me was a very old pattern in my life where I’ve believed, perceived or assumed that others don’t really want to hear me/my story/my ‘depth’ or what I have to open up or share, in all the detail that I share it with and what I activate is a perception of ‘others not being interested in what I have to share about me/myself/some deep stuff’ and have used that before to then react in ‘shutting down’, meaning refraining or stopping myself from sharing, so tending to suppress more– which I’ve also defined as ‘moments of intimacy’ that become thwarted according to this idea belief, perception or interpretation of ‘not being interested, don’t pay attention, so rather not do it at all’, or ‘not relevant for them,’ or they seem bored by it, etc.

The solution is to rather ask, be direct and share what is being experience in the moment, communicate about it if it’s a point of communication being built with someone that is at a more personal and yes in depth level. Otherwise within assumptions and suppressions one can build up large chunks of ‘unprocessed’ stuff that becomes a source of further emotions if not opened up and dealt with within oneself and shared with the other person as a point of shared awareness.

 

Due to how I’ve perceived this to be a ‘common thing’ in various relationships-partners and friendships before, I triggered it again which causes an experience of being ‘irrelevant, not important, not interesting, worthless to give attention to’ which at the same time holds underlying points of seeking some kind of ‘full attention/consideration’ that I had not given to myself either, which played out in the way I focused more on ‘supporting people’ or making myself ‘needed’ by another in a relationship or ‘finding ways out there to sort out the world’ but missing out these key self-aspects: giving, doing, being these points for myself first!

 

Also here it’s relevant to clarify this point of intimacy and being ‘intimate’ with another and how upon reacting to something I see on the other I went into a ‘shut down’ or assumption of ‘they don’t really want to hear’ which would be a source of self-pity and ‘no one understands me’ type of experience that is experienced as a remnant of the past, even though I actually have quite some enjoyment in opening and disclosing all of these points to myself as well, which proves that yes even one single thought invested into the ‘pop-up’ of the pattern, can trigger these old patterns which I’ve been seeing now are linked to various memories and what I’ve defined as ‘bitter situations’ in the past.

And due to that insta-reaction, the usual ‘next step’ was to – in the past – consider ‘ah they’re not interested in getting to know me or ‘be intimate” which is an externalization of what I had not lived for myself/given myself as full attention, self-appreciation and self-worth. Here’s then how intimacy is in fact into-me-I-see as learned through the Desteni material, where we can in fact first focus on getting to know ourselves, seeing within me, getting to understand me, appreciate me, honor me, enjoy me rather than expecting another person to do and be this for me, to ‘see me’ in the exact same way and ‘depth’ that I would like them to see me, but it’s practically not possible to do this in the reality we are in, where yes as much as we can share ourselves through words and actions, no other person will ever be in our exact same body/life experience all the way with ourselves as we have been for ourselves, and that’s merely a fact of life that leads me to remember to be ok with seeing within me, getting to know me, getting to appreciate me in all the things that I see, realize, get to understand and surely, share as much as I can through words and interactions with others, but without creating an expectation of a certain regard or experience from another towards it, and that’s where ‘sharing unconditionally’ is also the solution.

So yep, it all starts with an assumption, perception, idea of what the other is experiencing to which then I react in shutting down / keeping things to myself.  I’ve also been in the position of being directly told ‘I don’t care to hear that/ don’t want to hear about that’ which I would have a hard time with as in sadness emerging, like ‘shutting up a kid’ type of experience, which is as far as it goes in my case having been  a very talkative person since I was very young, lol, not really understanding that yes it might have gotten to be annoying for some at the time, but it’s definitely the kind of ‘deeply rooted’ reactions that led me to see myself as insignificant, worthless, not important, ‘I’d rather die/go away because I’m only a bother here’ type of thoughts. This goes back to childhood times – so, it all resulted in me generally ‘being there’ for others in relationships, only ‘hearing them’ because of perceiving that my stuff was not relevant, was boring, uninterested by perceiving any physical movement in the other as a reaction to what I was saying- while at the same time yearning to open myself up and having someone ‘be interested in me’ in the same way I may find myself and others fascinating to get to know or understand.

However here it’s not about now seeking another to say ‘yes you are interesting’ or ‘I am interested in what you have to say’ because then the point is missed. The point is not really about ‘another’ but about self and realizing how one creates ideas, experiences and expectations towards things that only we, individually, within ourselves can get to see in full scope. It is yes, kind of unfortunate in a way that we cannot yet see ourselves in ‘all dimensions’ and get to see the core of each other and in all transparency, because in essence we cannot do that for or towards others because we haven’t in fact done and walked that for ourselves first, and that’s then the principle of self-intimacy first.

 

So even if there were times when another person in fact wasn’t interested, or was in fact genuinely wanting to ‘slip away’ from the conversation – it’s not about judging them or judging ourselves for having had these reactions from others. I’ve learned to instead go into considering, understanding ‘who they are’ and what they were ‘into’ at the time and how for some individuals this kind of things might be too personal or too ‘intimate’ to discuss or ‘only pertaining me’ – which are all individual points to walk for each person, though I cannot ever change or control that, therefore it all goes back to what I can do and live for and as myself, which relates back to living self-intimacy first and then sharing myself with another unconditionally, no strings attached, no expectations, no preconceived ideas of what the other will say or how they will react back at it.

This is common sense in realizing that I cannot ask another to be in my head and be in that moment seeing all the ‘meaning’ or ‘depth’ that I’m seeing something within me that leads me to share it and expect the other person to receive it in that ‘equal meaningfulness’ or ‘depth’ that I am creating towards it. It’s kind of like the idea of ‘I’m bearing my soul here for you and you’re not interested in it’ type of experience and assumption  – and so learning that this is part of where I have to let go of any expectations and realize I can only share myself unconditionally.

 

I share it because I’ve definitely made that mistake of keeping things to myself before and not communicating about it, and what emerged in that moment was a distinctive experience, familiar if anything, from past situations that I simply have to practice walking through more and communicate about this situation so that next time I can open it up in the moment with the other person if they are also up for doing this kind of ‘alignments’ within themselves as well or in a relationship.

In doing so, sharing becomes also a one direction movement, where I share me without indirectly expecting the other to change or do anything about it, because that is entirely up to each one to do or act upon or not. Here it’s making sure that I am no longer expecting someone else to ‘fully understand me’ because that’s also still a point of ‘desiring to be appreciated, understood and known’ by someone else, instead of doing, giving and living that for myself first. So in essence being quite unconditional in what I share and continue cultivating openness because that’s what I enjoy and like to be, regardless of anything else I see in another. Of course if there are noticeable reactions I rather from now on ask and cross-reference rather than assuming, which is the key to stop making an ass-of-myself in assumptions.

There’s many times a fine line of whether ‘I should share this’ with the other person or not, but due to my tendency to rather ‘keep it to myself’ – which reads into self-pity, victimization and all of that pattern of suppression –  I for now decide do the opposite.

 Thanks for reading

 

Please check out this timely video by Sunette Spies for SOUL describing her process in walking through self-discovery:  Expanding Your Living Vocabulary – Part 1

 

 Living Roots

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE

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August 24, 2016

441. Paranoid Assumptions: How to Walk Through Them

By Marlen

 

This is a continuation to an aspect within myself that I had written down, disclosed and seen from many angles a couple of years ago in the entry 396. I Think, therefore I Assume but, certainly as with many other aspects and points we find within our minds, it is just not going to go away by writing it out or self-forgiving the mess made by assuming all at once. This point of ‘assuming’ which is a guessing process wherein, in my particular case, I use that uninformed ‘guess’ to jump into a conclusion about something/someone in such a fast pace that it can determine in one moment who I am going to be or how I am going to react to another person only by misunderstanding, jumping into conclusions, guessing ‘where the person is coming from’ or ‘what they are hiding’ or ‘what they are implying,’ which I must remind myself are all entirely my sole creation.

What do I mean by ‘my creation’? An assumption as I see it, is a series of thoughts that we concoct inside our minds as a reply or reaction based on some input we have, which means information from an external source. Now, upon discussing this point last night with my partner, I realized how I was kind of ‘vilifying’ the word ‘assumption’ in itself, and it is not that it is all ‘bad’ about making a guess about things, that’s Not the problem, but who we are within guessing or assuming and if one is emotionally invested into it.

So, I take his explanation to place it out here because it assisted me to see how there can be plain ‘guessing’ that comes without any personal investment onto it, like say I ‘guess’ or ‘assume’ it’s going to rain today because there’s a ton of those very gray clouds in the sky. That’s about it, a guess, an assumption based on the state of the sky in that moment. There’s an educated guess that comes from say checking out the weather forecast in more than one source – which is still not an absolute point of accuracy – and one can make an educated guess or assumption that ‘yes, it will rain because two or more sources indicate so.’ There can also be a ‘paranoid’ form of guessing where one is emotionally invested onto it, like say if I hated the rain because it ruins my possibility to go for a walk, and so if I look up at the sky and see the wind and the clouds and I immediately get flustered about it because ‘It’s going to rain, yes, and my going out will be ruined, oh god why!’ type of overwhelming reaction – exaggerated here but to get the point – is where one then creates a relationship to ‘raining’ or a particular weather as a source for personal discomfort, anger, frustration and the rest of it within oneself. This ‘paranoid guessing’ that comes from only checking up at the sky and then reacting emotionally to it, is what we usually create patterns of so that whenever I see the same colors in the sky, I don’t even bother to think further other than just jumping into the assumption that ‘my day is ruined because I won’t go for a walk, because it’s going to rain.’

Now this is a ‘light’ example so to speak, but if we transpose it to other more ‘personal’ situations like say assuming that my partner ‘would like to be with another individual he sees on the streets better than me’ based on a paranoid guess, a paranoid assumption and we don’t communicate or investigate further about it in terms of opening up ‘who he is’ within looking at another person in a particular way and so walking through that point together, one can jump into this ‘paranoid assumption mode’ that can spiral out of control into a form of paranoia, a reel of backchats within oneself that come with a tension, a fear, an anxiety of ‘them wanting to be with another instead’ or ‘I am not good enough for him so that’s why he checks others out’ or ‘I bet he’d prefer a less imposing relationship’ etc. etc. Which is something that actually has happened to me and that upon opening up this point with my partner, it was cool to realize how he understands the pattern, how automated it is as a simple ‘checking out’ which has also to do with very ingrained male programming that he simply has to be more diligent to direct if he is up for doing so. He clarified how there is no ‘intent’ in it beyond that momentary experience of ‘checking out’ for example that he had been quite conditioned to, so that will be then his point to work through and my point is to Not jump into these paranoid assumptions from one figment of reality that I take within me to react to.

 The point here is that through rather asking directly, opening up the point, there were no more ‘paranoid assumptions’ about it, but instead we can work with facts, reality checks. I got to see how in fact I was escalating the point waaay too much, which I had done before but that time in the past, I kept it quiet and building it up for some time, until I confronted it and turned out to be true in relation to these distractions, where I also shared my personal experience and process of in this case also directing myself to no longer ‘unconsciously’ seek for ‘other potential partners’ for example, no matter how ‘automated’ this had become in my case as well. So it became a point of understanding as well that it takes time and real diligence to master this point of no longer ‘deviating’ my attention once I am in a committed relationship.

So that was a long explanation, but! It was assisting for me to also see the variations of ‘assumptions’ and so here to redefine the relationship to these ‘paranoid assumptions’ where I have considered I jump into conclusions and ideas and perceptions all based entirely only on what exists within me

Here another point opens up: it means that these ‘paranoid assumptions’ are in fact  my own projection toward others, where I can be the one that hides, implies, beats around the bush or speaks from a state of reaction about things. So, I see that paranoid assuming becomes much more prevalent when – again, assuming – lol – that we all won’t just ‘say things as they are’ but implying there is always something that is kept away/aside/hidden for the sake of benefiting or protecting oneself or any other form of ego-trait that leads us to, for example, not explain ourselves entirely toward another, which can be also a practical reason in many contexts. An example is how one won’t go explaining one’s entire medical condition to someone that asks ‘how are you doing’ and even if one visibly looks not so well, let the whole clinical history out in that moment, we usually say we are ‘doing so so with x situation, but recovering’ and the other person can be ‘ok’ with the response, not lying just not giving the whole explanation, not for the sake of ‘hiding’ or anything, but for practical reasons.

These ‘paranoid assumptions’ imply the moments where I immediately ‘jump’ to ‘fill in the blanks’ coming from the starting point of already assuming that this person exists already in a constant state of seeking benefit or perpetual deception, or usually hiding something, or just blatantly lying for some reason. I can see that this can be defined as ‘lacking trust towards others’ but this is more of my own reflection as well when it comes to being aware how us humans operate in our minds  and so believing that others are lying, hiding all the time. This could be a reality, yes, but it is exactly because of this justification around ‘Everyone lies, everyone deceives, everyone is dishonest’ that I go justifying my ‘assumptions’ and qualify them as ‘real’ in no time, which has led me to jump into unbearable assumptions that mostly lead to conflictive situations, simply because of how fast I ‘made up my mind’ about something or someone without actually taking the steps to apply the ‘antidote’ to assuming: investigating, asking questions, communicating, clarifying, opening up the point with another until clarity is reached.

Why has it taken so much from me to actually ask? Because! There is a righteousness involved in assuming, in believing that ‘I am always right’ about another’s intentions, state of mind or hidden agendas, which is of course not entirely so. Sure, I mean, when we get to know how our minds operate and one becomes like a ‘mind technician’ where one is able to see the equations behind things, it does get a bit tricky to not immediately do so and assume that ‘it’s always going to work that way’ but, in reality there are lots of exceptions and I have been tested quite often based on the assumptions I have created toward my partner for example, and time and time again after jumping into assumptions and responding from my assumptions to something, and when deciding to ‘roll back’ the moment and see what steps did I ‘miss’ or ‘where did I jump into conclusions’ I realize that I in fact ‘filled in the blanks’ in my mind, even though what was said was quite clear in itself. This is the moment where I have to apply humbleness in recognizing that yes, I did assume or made it ‘more’ than what it is in my mind, which in other words is that acceptance of being wrong about my assumption and so propose a solution in that moment to my ‘mistakes’ which in this case are ‘missed-steps’ in communication.

One can also say that assuming comes from a form of control, believing that one ‘knows’ someone or knows how ‘predictable’ we all are that we immediately jump into these ideas or beliefs and believe in them, blindly so. I consider this is part of one of the greatest problems in communication in fact, where we believe we ‘know’ what another person is ‘truly about’ or ‘truly like,’ and how just by observing them, hearing their words, or misinterpreting their interactions toward ourselves or others that we can already assume/predict or magically ‘know’ exactly what they are ‘all about.’ Wrong! And we do this just because of a) not daring to actually get to know a person in reality, which means, actually communicate and truly see who are they in their words, in their life, develop a relationship with them; or b) because we believe we already ‘know the reasons’ behind anyone’s words – which is like this all knowing god-ego that we carry around in our heads – and so we apparently need ‘no more explanations’ from another because we are already in fact projecting our assumptions, our beliefs about others, so ‘why bother, if I already know it?’ type of reaction, which I could label as arrogant, conceited and egotistical of myself, however judging myself for it is of course not the solution here, at all.

I have seen myself create an entire ‘story’ of assumptions as to create a ‘why’ to something in what is called ‘quantum time’ meaning, super- fast and in that moment already reply, after seconds of hearing some version of a story, a set of words wherein I ‘assume’ that I know the real reason behind that, therefore I have the right to, for example, appear as ‘outraged’ about something even if through words I may say a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ but within an entire stance and experience within myself of apparently ‘already knowing the ‘truth’ of the matter’ and so, justifying my immediate reaction to something or someone within a particular experience. All of this is in fact one of those ‘chain reactions’ or massive paranoid assumptions that can unfold to what is most commonly known as arguments or verbal battles between people, just becomes of one or both – or more involved – going into various assumptions of what either one meant to in fact say.

 

So, first of all a point I have to continue working on is on slowing down, just today I had one of those situations where upon asking something to my partner and upon getting a very straightforward answer, I immediately went into assuming the ‘missing link’ I was already going to ‘take on’ as ‘what he implied’ but fortunately he immediately said ‘and by saying that, no, I don’t mean that I would do this/that’ which means, he added more information to prevent me from going into one of those ‘insta-assumptions’, which means that yes he’s already aware of my ‘pattern’ of jumping into these conclusions which actually have contributed to misconstrue the idea I have of him, which if I look back it actually becomes a way to continue imprisoning each other within those same judgments and ways to treat or perceive another, because we believe they ‘haven’t changed’ or ‘have been this/that way in the past’ and so not allowing another to in fact step out of ‘the past’ if I recreate it even within my paranoid assumptions. Lol, it’s been actually quite great because this way it becomes a constant point to test myself and see where I go into ‘reading between the lines’ about a situation, and when I in fact ‘burst the paranoia bubble’ and simply ask directly. So far, asking directly and to the point has dispelled a Lot of misunderstandings or paranoid assumptions on my side, which has in turn become a gift of developing communication, understanding and even trust in the sense that I then get to know where another stands in relation to something/someone and becomes an actual communication, veering towards a self-supportive approach rather than just recriminations, back and forths, quiet paranoid assumptions and the plethora of reactions that may stem from there.

Now, here I’ve used the partnership relationship as an example, but I could go on and on in the ways I assume things about almost everything, and so this is also a point for me to commit to slow down in my mind whenever wanting to ‘jump into paranoid assumptions’ and rather ask more questions, get more information, communicate more, develop a ‘getting to know’ another if I see I have held some judgment about them for some time, get to understand the ‘why’ of something, because this assists us in rather looking at potentials for solutions and change, rather than remaining escalating this paranoia which is of course not a cool way to go living at all.

Points to change or challenge oneself with when stopping paranoid assumptions? Real time application of admitting and changing one’s righteousness, sense of ‘pride’ or know-it-allness, one’s fear to communicate or open up something due to ‘fearing conflict’ for example, or ‘fearing losing’ a relationship of any kind, or just fearing breaking out of one’s bubble to communicate with another, and also very important! Once that one gets the actual facts – whether they are entirely true or not – to not go into paranoia about questioning that further information one may get when stepping out of assuming and communicating or investigating something further, like say me reacting to the realization that yes my partner was checking someone else out, lol, that would only re-wire the paranoia again. It is about in that moment talking through the points to acknowledge self responsibility in both sides – or if the other person is not aware or up for ‘self change’ then simply one’s own responsibility – to not go into further reactions or delusions, but instead then work with one’s own reactions, fears, emotions based on the responses we get, that’s one’s sole responsibility not another’s. The rest, should always be worked out, talked through with the two or more involved in the situation. That is to rectify that in fact, we can only change ourselves, we can only be an example and show to others ‘how it can be sorted out’ but, we can’t ever push another to do the same for themselves, unless they are entirely deciding to do so themselves.

Ok, some more dimensions/aspects might open up in time, but for now this has cleared up for me to see that when going into ‘paranoid assumptions’ I rather immediately communicate, speak up, investigate which means asking, confronting, walking through the fear that this might imply at times and realize that it’s just a limitation to actually see things for what they are so that we can work with ‘how things are’ in fact, and not building ‘possibilities’ or ‘ifs’ based on illusions/delusions or paranoid assumptions as uninformed guessing. This way one can instead build a solid relationship with another by understanding, by looking at solutions together rather than building up and remaining in conflicts and reactions.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Pointing back at me

 

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May 26, 2014

396. I Think, therefore I Assume

By Marlen

ASSumptions and Self Trust

I realized how in one single moment where I trust my mind and assumptions made in my mind in one single moment of reaction where I jumped into conclusions,  ‘linking the dots’ to assume about another’s’ words/actions, I in that moment actually miss my point of self-trust and instead go into trusting my mind. How many times have I heard: do not trust your mind which means, to not trust any form of reaction, emotion, thought that I am not directly seeing for its full implication such as:

Who am I the moment that I am assuming this point about another? Who am I within ASSuming?

Because it’s really not about another here, it’s about myself being working in my mind in such assumption-mode which is something I had taken for granted actually so it is also cool that this point emerged in such a ‘straight’ manner, where I am able to actually see how I created a rift within a relationship, but more so within myself as in that moment I was not fully here considering all the implications of me thinking/assuming about others which is then part of how we concoct conflicts ‘about others’ but really is only a conflict I create in my mind based on also an accumulation of other assumptions that I also deemed as ‘unimportant,’ not considering the accumulation that takes place when I went assuming things and instead of confronting them with the person, the point then emerged as an automated assumption to fulfill my previous ideas/beliefs about what was going on with others’ lives.

This is also a very pertinent point as I could notice it created the kind of ‘hangover’ I hadn’t experienced in a long time, when you know that you did something that could have had further consequences that I didn’t measure when jumping into these series of thoughts and so, it is also to debunk the ‘perfect world’ that I also have in my head about my relationships with others, and to realize how careful and utmost attention I require to exist as in every moment to Not judge, not go into assumption, not ‘draw conclusions’ based on what I believe/think/perceive about others.

From making such mistake and going into feeling ‘bad’ or ‘guilty’ I would only trap myself in yet another emotion to cloud the actual point to learn here and to take self responsibility for, which is how to be able to stop assumptions that stem from a moment of ‘linking the dots’ according to what in I decided ‘made sense’ based on previous points where I also assumed points about another. So, if anything what I am here to develop is self-trust in a new dimension I hadn’t considered before: being able to trust myself to be Here as breath in every moment to be very aware of any minor reaction but mostly Assumption that’s the key word here as that’s where one draws conclusions without physical proof that things are the way I am ASSuming they are/happened.

 

 

assume
n    verb
1    accept as true without proof.
2    take (responsibility or control).
3    begin to have (a quality, appearance, or extent). Adopt falsely.

 

So there’s a few points to self-forgive here:

1. Not being here in the moment when I quickly jumped into conclusions and assuming something about others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume which is to accept a thought, a reaction, an experience within me as ‘true’ and as such trust my thoughts, my reactions, my experience instead of being fully present here and able to assess every single thought that I accept and allow to exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of ‘assumption’ which is a rather unfortunately common way to quickly draw conclusions and ‘make up my mind’ about something/someone without actually proving it myself, gathering the actual information, cross referencing it, communicating with the person or in the situation I am creating any form of assumption about and as such I realize that assuming is nothing else but a fancy way to name lying/lies wherein I accept myself to concoct and fabricate a lie to myself in order to prove other lies to me which I have also created/drawn about something/someone

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever FEEL certain about ‘my assumptions’ and within this not realizing that I am placing trust into my thoughts, my Feelings, my emotions, my mind instead of first actually Stopping and looking at what am I actually doing to myself when I assume or rather create/fabricate ideas/beliefs/perceptions about something/someone  which are in essence lies in order to prove a point that I have ‘assumed’ about something/someone – which doesn’t make sense as I am relying on a self-concocted lie to then make myself ‘right’ about what I had actually also created as a judgment, a belief, a perception about something or someone previously – which means: it was all a lie that I actually made myself believe as true without measuring the consequences of how I in fact was affecting my relationship with another without openly talking about it.

 

  • 2. Not realizing that it wasn’t about me ‘not trusting’ another but rather me trusting my mind and my assumptions based on what I also had been accumulating as other assumptions which I didn’t really confront and communicated directly with the person I was assuming things about – therefore missing out the essential point of living the word frankness and being direct when it comes to rather communicating about something instead of leaving points accumulate within me as Assumptions that I didn’t communicate, which then caused me to easily jump into conclusions based on previous moments where I also jumped into conclusions/assumed and thus considered that I could not trust someone any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump into conclusions and assume about the reason behind another’s actions based on what I had also assumed about others’ lives/actions/words which implies that I had already allowed my self to be assuming/be lying to myself, be making up ideas and beliefs as to why something/someone exists/does something in a certain manner which actually can only point out to myself what actually still exists within me, which I covered up with the line ‘I don’t like being lied to’ and creating a reaction of ‘feeling cheated’ in that moment, but I didn’t even realize that it was all really me creating this all within me, not realizing I created the assumptions/the lies within me in that split second based on me accumulating previous assumptions that I hadn’t actually communicated and confronted which is why it was so easy for me to just continue the assumptions because I had done it in the past and ‘let it be’ without actually scrutinizing the point myself and being critical about what is it that I am actually accepting and allowing to exist within me – which is then entirely me assuming my responsibility to my mind/my thoughts/ my experience instead of diverting it toward another, which is the way to abdicate my own responsibility to my own thoughts in the first place.

 

I realize that in the past in relationships with people I have allowed myself to keep quiet in relationships which had already lead me to relationship failures, wherein the moment I don’t actually open up and confront the point with another which is what I would like others to do onto myself, I am actually being the starting point of my own self-agreement failure as I am not being entirely self-honest to myself to First even before confronting the ‘assumption’ with another, first question my own assumption, see where I am gathering the information from, what are my foundations for it, what is the proof that I have for what I am assuming first – so that I then first ensure that I am the one that takes self-responsibility for myself, my thoughts, my mind and once I have cleared myself from any reaction or lies/assumptions created about another, but instead realize that I do have some points to confront and reference with others, then I simply direct myself to communicate and open it up instead of allowing these points to accumulate and kind of go ‘rotting’ in the background as this is where and how then going into further assumptions, reactions becomes more automated based on the string-of-lies and assumptions about something/someone.

Therefore I commit myself to live myself first what I would like others to do onto me too, which is to be upfront, clear, frank, directive, transparent which are words I have to first and foremost not to ‘ask’ from others, but to live these words myself within my own self-relationship with in turn then will be my relationship toward any other individual as well as who I am.

 

Here is then where I take/assume absolute responsibility wherein instead of assuming /lying to myself, drawing conclusions, making up ‘my mind’ about something or someone, I rather live the word assumption as assuming/taking the responsibility to ensure that I am first here, stable within myself and as such ensure that every word that I am creating in my mind has a clear starting point and is entirely self-directive, as I see that an accumulation of lies which I allowed to exist within me as assumptions then become a more automated form of lying which I didn’t question within me first, and so then actually exists as a point of abuse toward others coming from me within creating an experience of distrust or assuming ‘I am being lied to’ without realizing that the actual lie, the actual problem exists within me as an assumption in itself where I lie to myself about what I believe/think/perceive about another which is actually entirely existent in my own mind –therefore

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a form of righteousness whenever I had assumed things wherein I then trust my lies/my mind going into assumption about things/people without actually investigating the point for myself, without actually rather confronting any misunderstanding with another through communication as I see and realize that if I apparently ‘don’t like lies/don’t like to lie’ which is one of the points I have placed within me as ‘virtue’ – without seeing that in fact this is just another form of ‘honesty’ card as the ‘system honesty’ because I missed the actual SELF-Honesty which is first questioning the validity, the substance and how acceptable my own thoughts and reactions are in my own mind, which is the first point of self-honesty missed when believing that ‘I am being lied to’ as this thought already implies I am actually the one lying to myself by hearing/placing trust in a thought that I have created in absolute irresponsibility, which means I didn’t assume my responsibility upon my own thought-creation that lead to assumptions about something/someone.

 

 

  • 3. I haven’t realized that this is really not about being able to trust another, but rather how I didn’t live self-trust fully to instead of assuming/jumping into conclusions in My mind to instead rather communicate it, to create an agreement of communication which will ensure that any relationships with others will be then like a fish tank: fully visible as there is nothing to hide, no backchats created as that is what creates the fracturing of any relationship, and within my self-agreement I have committed myself to be able to have transparent, integral relationships with every individual, which means having no secrets, no hidden agendas toward one another, no judgment, no backchat, no emotion or assumptions about others.

 

Missed Breaths 08

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to actually realize that I cannot ‘lose trust on another’ as there is really no ‘another’ but myself that creates such distrust by trusting my own mind, my own assumptions, my own beliefs which I have righteously created upon not actually communicating and opening up points that I’ve looked at but didn’t communicate, which is how one goes festering ‘little points’ over time which become yet more lies and more ‘reasons’ to assume/believe things about myself/others which is entirely existent in my own mind and as such, it is myself that has to ensure that I can instead trust myself  – which means that

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I cannot trust myself whenever I am assuming, whenever I am reacting, whenever I am creating doubt/uncertainty/reactions toward another which I am not directly referencing Within and for myself first to see the validity of my thoughts, my experiences and if I then have sufficient proof, reason, foundation for what I am considering is something to point out in a relationship with another, then I pull up my socks and confront the situation as I realize that it is actually quite dishonest to not open up points as they come up, as these points then go accumulating and creating further unspoken assumptions/reactions which certainly creates a rift within my self and from myself toward others, which is entirely unnecessary when we are in fact able to communicate and be open about any point or situation that I see emerged within me and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eve fear confronting something or someone about my own assumptions which is rather a self-sabotage point because by confronting my own assumptions then the lies would be able to be spotted easier –but, the moment ‘I keep quiet’ that’s when the same pattern repeats: I don’t speak, further assumptions are created and so I create and give energy/attention to lies, to assumptions instead of immediately opening the point up and communicating about it.

 

Most importantly I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live self-trust fully as I realize now how whenever I am assuming I cannot and I am not in fact living self-trust because I am thinking/assuming/linking dots based on what I read/ get to know or perceive which is entirely subjective and self-created upon premises that I have also defined in a certain manner so that it fits ‘my assumption’ which is then entirely self-deceptive first and foremost.

 

When and as I see myself jumping into conclusions, assuming what’s going on with something/someone I stop and I breathe, I ensure that I am back into physical reality and focus on myself, questioning what is it exactly that I am accepting and allowing to exist within me toward myself and toward others? And within this simply stop continuing assuming and instead, rather immediately referencing the point instead of allowing it to ‘pass’ because I see that allowing things to ‘pass’ it’s actually just an allowance of having points remain undirected, unsolved, which is another way of saying: I am not taking responsibility for my own reactions, assumptions beliefs about something/someone in one moment, which is what creates the problem in the first place: when I allow lies/assumptions to exist within me and go ‘unnoticed’ and neglecting the responsibility I have to every single thought, movement, experience that I have in my mind and that No thought, no reaction, no experience can be righteous or justified.

When and as I see myself once again ever going into the backchat ‘I don’t like being lied to’ – I stop and I breathe – And I bring myself HERE to realize that I am the one lying to myself first by being self-dishonest and being creating a reaction upon my own thoughts and so, instead focus on looking at the point objectively so that I can then see what do I need to cross reference in order to ensure I am not assuming, and so confront the point or situation in the moment.

I see and realize that I have to practice that ability to be more directive in the moment which means not allowing something to ‘go by’ and allow it to just ‘pass’ as this is me not taking responsibility for what I created in my mind.

 

Therefore I commit myself to actually develop first self-trust wherein I am able to ensure that every single thought I have I can be certain it is self-directive and that I am fully here as I utilize my mind constructively to direct myself, to clarify situations, to open up and cross-reference with others, as that is then the way wherein I can ensure that I can trust myself in relationship to others which means: I can trust myself that I won’t create lies/assumptions about something/someone – but instead focus on investigating, taking/assuming responsibility to myself, my mind, my reactions and so within this, it will invariably and by default will also be easier to confront/expose/open up a point with others as I am then having the openness lived by myself first, which is the self-agreement at all times, to not see ‘others’ as the problem but always self, always taking the point back to myself.

 

I commit myself to ensure that I remain clear and stable no matter what, no matter how even something that I believe is a problem exists in reality, as we do live in a reality where things are not ‘easy’ or ‘smooth ‘ or ‘without problems’ because this entire world, our relationships and our lack of self-responsibility to our own minds is what has created the nature of a problematic world – therefore, instead of seeing this as a ‘big point’ I realize that I have to instead use this as a flag point to become aware of any other moment where I see myself assuming things about something/someone, quiet myself in that moment and focus on MYSELF and stopping lying/ deceiving and being self-dishonest within me accepting and allowing such assumptions/backchat about something/someone and instead focus on seeing the point and then looking how I am going to direct it, assuming my responsibility to my words, my mind, my actions and inactions.

 

I commit myself to also not continue ‘bashing’ myself for committing this mistake of assuming a lot about something/someone as that guilt/remorse is only an experience that also prevent us from directly spotting the responsibility within it all, so I instead focus on my responsibility to every word, every reaction I create and rather focus on preventing/stopping any reaction from existing within me in any given moment wherein I observe something/someone and go into believing that ‘I know’ why something/someone happens/does something as this is entirely self-referential which means: it has nothing to do ‘with others’ but rather upon myself and what I do or don’t do.

 

 

Pointing back at me

 

Interviews:

 

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