Tag Archives: attention seeker

497. From Displacement to Integration

Or how to curb an insta-reaction of feeling overshadowed by someone else’s presence and turn it into a moment of sharing the moment.

I’ve become aware of reactions within myself wherein I don’t necessarily think about things but it all happens in a quantum moment – meaning instantaneously – upon witnessing a change in my immediate environment related to people around me and the context I am in, wherein I’ve accessed a physical-reaction of discomfort, a tension that ‘takes over’ in a moment which I’ve identified as a comparison, a ‘value assessment’ in a very peculiar context that actually says a lot about an aspect of myself that I’ve been seeing more and more clearly these days.

It all started when frequently going to a particular shop where over time, I’ve developed a cool relationship with the people in it, the women that attend the shop are very kind and open and I’ve also walked my process to get past initial prejudices and start getting to know them a bit more. So, usually when I’m there I’m quite comfortable, yet I have also ‘enjoyed’ the fact that I would not usually find more people in the shop and be alone having essentially all the attention to ‘me’ mostly.

But one day as I was looking at the products, I heard someone else coming in and it was another woman and I frankly did not even look at the person, but in that moment just by being aware of the presence of someone else and seeing the equally affable stance and amicability that the ladies attending the shop were sharing with this newcomer customer led me to experience an immediate and insta-displacement of ‘my position’  – lol – that I apparently had before the other lady came in and how it came to a  ‘low’ when they were busy with the new customer now, which of course makes absolute sense here and I rationalized it as such but, this was after I had already gone into that initial physical reaction about it.

Then I glimpsed at the other lady and there was this insta-comparison going on as in me being ‘inferior’ based on looks to that other woman and in that then a very, very subtle experience in me again of wanting to ‘swipe aside’ my actual reaction came up.

Now I’ve just described the physical events as they took place but at the same time of all of this, I didn’t have thoughts in my conscious mind as in ‘oh no a new customer is here’ nope, not at all. What I’m describing as a reaction was at a very physical level which means it became a subtle stiffness and rigidity in my head area, also avoiding to ‘look at the person’ as in not wanting to immediately appear that I am ‘acknowledging’ her, which was already done by me going through this ‘assessment’ that in a way I was being ‘displaced’ or had ‘my space, my position invaded’ by someone else – lol ! – and at the same time I experienced a subtle ‘sinking’ in myself which is how I’d define the inferiority point towards the other lady just through listening to the equally affable and amicable interactions she was also having with the shop assistants.

I was aware of all of this experience going on in me and I did make it a point to practice the word Embrace as in embracing the new person in the environment, realizing that the ladies attending there are not ‘exclusive’ for me and that I essentially had to step down of my notion of special-customer and superiority in it, which is quite funny to point out in me but it shows a lot of what I actually tend to have as a constant presence throughout my entire life wherein I almost expect to be treated ‘royally’ by everyone else, with special regard and consideration. So if anyone could step in to ‘take that place’ in whichever situation, I’d feel ignored and so that ‘sinking feeling’ would emerge in myself, which is really another form of silent personality tantrum that comes as this physical-discomfort for a moment that I can identify as a form of constant elitism or superiority complex in relation to others, and in relation of how I expect to be treated by others which I’ll call ‘the royal syndrome’.

On the other hand, I’ve felt uplifted whenever I have received ‘special treatment’ anywhere, even when I know there are distinctive differences being made towards other people somehow in myself I feel very ‘right’ that someone could have this special regard or consideration toward myself, even when walking past males and some would gently ‘revere’ when passing next to me, those are all like ‘clicks’ as if it was an acknowledgement of my ego, in the sense of: ‘Ah! They do know who they are dealing with’ lolol

So that’s why as I had shared in some recent blogs, the idea of being ignored or being treated ‘equal to every other person’ still created a slight reaction in me, which doesn’t make sense at all! Because I am walking a process to precisely embody what it means to entirely live and consider all other beings as equal to myself which means no more and no less can exist as a judgment toward me or toward others.

However not to judge myself for it, I can change this with a constant diligence considering how embedded as an aspect of myself this has become and probably I can call it the ‘princess programming’ really because it deals with a sense of elitism and expecting a form of ‘special treatment’ or ‘reverence’ wherein if I don’t get that and I am genuinely treated like everyone else, there is a sense of being ignored, left out, ‘downgraded’ lol which only exists as a perception altogether in my own mind.

As for the situation with customers, it has happened various times and I have moved myself to practice that embracing In real time moments wherein I assess my reaction and behavior and move to integrate myself in the moment that is being shared between all of us; sometimes I join in their conversation which has led to cool openings several times, which is awesome and this I find I can do quite comfortably after I have processed my initial insta-‘shock’ of having someone else in the same space all of a sudden and triggering that initial ‘displacement’ perception, but it’s all in my head really, I have lived this for such a long time that it will take time and practice to be able to stop the whole pattern from triggering whenever I see the same reaction rearing its head. 

How I have played out this character in the past – before moving to integrate, embrace and see others as equals – I would not know how to ‘deal with’ my experience, would not be able to conceal it as it is something that would almost ‘take over me’ and that I can also see comes from family patterns on both sides, this desire to always be the shining star on one side and on the more ‘concealed self-importance’ side from the female where between women there’s this untold competition that I practically also have worked through in real time embracing of another, another’s expression, focusing on their eyes and not judging their expression, focusing on their words and what is being said instead of focusing on my mind and assessing all kinds of useless things.

In the past I would become very stiff on the upper area on my body which would translate into a very controlled, sometimes probably arrogant expression towards the other people and that was definitely not cool to do, because it is the usual pattern of masking inferiority with a sense of authoritarianism, control and fake-confidence which is the same that any tyrant tries to do whenever he/she sees their domain going ‘out of control,’ it’s all based on fear protecting a false premise of myself as either superior or inferior or ‘unequal’ to any other being, which is the delusion I have to practically stop at all levels within me, no matter how ‘subtle’ it may be.

Therefore, embracing others in such contexts means: I see them as equal as myself, I can integrate in their conversation if I see there is something I’d like to share or contribute or ask from them to learn about, which has turned into sharing practical tips and I’ve enjoyed that too. Here I have to assist myself to be able to ‘cut the chain’ from this whole character, and prevent myself having to go through that initial stiffness and tension from acknowledging others to simply directly living this word embrace and physically relaxing my body and then proceed to see if I can participate in the discussion or not.

Sometimes I simply ask them a question on what they’re buying and that’s then another way to prove to myself that whatever idea I had created about them is only in my head, because I usually find that we can talk and be open in that moment which is a healthy practice as well whenever possible; if their interaction is short or there’s no point I see I can interject with and integrate myself with, I simply practice breathing, being relaxed along the same space, me acknowledging them, giving them the equal right to be there in that moment, the equal right to be attended in an affable manner because it’s common sense! That’s what I like for myself so it is kind of delusional for me to attempt to curb that from others.

So, I’ll continue debunking this ‘attention grabber’ and ‘elitist treatment’ expectation that I’ve built within myself as a ‘normal’ way to interact with others, which is clear by all that I’ve shared here that it’s not really supportive for myself, nor for others, nor for my body and expression.

Therefore, here’s to debunking the ingrained seemingly ‘silent’ aspects of myself and getting more specific with my own application.

Thanks for reading

 Meddling

 

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107. ‘If I don’t get enough attention, I stop sharing myself’

Attention Seeker’s Demise and Parental patterns of aloofness

A point of communication with parents is when we try and get their attention in one way or another, when we try and share ourselves and what we find is ‘meaningful’ as a way to spend some time with them. Expectations are built, the moment arrives and all one can be thinking about is ‘please let them like it, let them just for a moment stay calm and quiet, no phones ringing, no distracting chatters, just focusing for some minutes on this.’ However, once a pattern exists within the parent of, for example, being always ‘on a rush,’ there will be little to no patience to watch/ walk something that takes more than the 30 second attention span, eventually going away or finding any excuse to not remain in the moment. Children take it personally and from there a decision is made in anger and retaliation: ‘I swear I won’t ever share anything I do with him/ her/ them again.’ And so we grow up, keeping our stuff to ourselves in such victimized state from that one single moment where attention was not given as the child requested it.

This is a true-story and a repetitive pattern that I disclose here: a broken moment of communication where even words were not required to be expressed, but was just a moment of co-existence in the same room, watching a piece of film that had been recorded in means of slowing-down to reality. Yet existing in that point of expectation to ‘get their attention’ – in this case – my father’s and for him to not be impatient enough to watch this entire video; I essentially set the tone for what would end up being just another predictable ‘walk-out’ of the scene, which I took personally and once again confirming in my mind ‘I won’t share my ‘creative stuff’ with my parents again’ which became a safe way for me to not see how I also was wanting and desiring their attention the way that ‘I wanted it.’

It takes two to tango – however, a message to all parents is that if children are not supported in order to understand how not to take their actions/ reactions personally, consequences that can ensue from such walk-outs are a definitive crack in any form of incipient communication that could have been developing between the child and the father/ mother.

 

“I commit myself to SHOW that PARENTS in fact understand Nothing of PATTERNS and are the Root cause for All Suffering and Inequality on Earth.

I commit myself to SHOW that PARENTS are the PATTERNS that INFACT Create the CHARACTER of this WORLD.” – Bernard Poolman*

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for wanting to get someone’s attention to ‘see my stuff’ and in that moment already going into the fear of ‘they are not going to like it/ they will simply stand up and leave/ they will say they like it out of compromise’ and essentially self-sabotaging that single moment of inviting others to see something I’ve done with future projections of failing at getting their attention, which is how and why I have become resilient to share myself, in fear of not being ‘welcomed’ the way that I expected.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share myself with the condition of ‘it must be praised/ liked/ revered’ by others, otherwise I won’t share it at all, wherein my sharing is not unconditional, but already expecting a positive experience and outcome out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how the entire starting point of me ‘creating something’ is and had been mostly in order to show it and be able to be praised about it, or causing an experience within another, instead of allowing myself to just share it unconditionally, with no expectations toward it and a such not taking it personal or judging the fact that people can walk out, not say any feedback at all or simply dislike it and that is still okay, as a I cannot control the outcome and reactions that will be experienced in such moments.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation toward getting my father’s attention to watch a video that I made and believing that ‘he will love it’ and expecting the best case scenario from the get go mixed with fear of him just not getting to see the whole thing, standing up and leaving, which is what eventually happened – allowing me to then go into the victimized state of ‘he doesn’t want to see what I created’ and making a mental note of ‘not ever sharing anything with him again, he’s not interested,’ and within that severing a point of communication in terms of sharing what ‘I do’ with my parents, creating a rift toward my father and my own doings, deeming my stuff to be simply ‘not relevant’ for him which in a child’s mind translates into: I am not worthy of their attention/ I am not good enough/ entertaining enough for him to remain watching/ I should have done something different to capture his attention’ – which are all backchat statements based on thinking and believing that the problem was ‘me,’ when in fact the reason why he stood up and left is not based on ‘what I showed him,’ but his own personal decision to simply stand up and leave and within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when someone stands up and leaves the room wherein I was showing them something and believing that I simply wasn’t good enough to capture their attention, without realizing it’s not about me or what I do, but a single decision the person made in that moment to leave.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel excited the moment that I was able to capture his attention wherein from this positive starting point, I try to keep the ‘excitement’ and positive attitude on top while actually feeling anxious and fearing that he simply won’t be able to stand/ go through the entire thing, and even thinking ‘if he doesn’t enjoy it, he’ll just stand up and leave,’ which became a reality at the end.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become fully stiff and anxious and nervous while he’s watching because of fearing that he’ll just stand up and leave, which had been a trademark of his, that I actually feared having to experience myself with my own work and sharing something with him.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in such point of fear of ‘him leaving the room,’ and eventually manifesting it, confirming my own ‘future projections,’ without realizing how I simply had sentenced myself to my own words and supporting the co-creation of a moment wherein all I became was this ‘hope’ of him not leaving the room, eventually confirming that my hope was not a solution and that he ended up leaving the room anyways.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get irritated at him for him standing up of the couch and beginning to arrange things, picking up the garbage and dusting off the cushions while the video is playing, only confirming what I was expecting him to do: standing up from the couch, finding something to do around while he plans to escape the scene/ room in a silent manner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as the fear ‘he’s not into it,’ and as such while being nervous and anxious about him eventually leaving, not being here breathing but only becoming this one point of hope and observance that is almost ensuring how things will unfold without having even gone through the actual events – yet eventually experimenting it as we are the ones that are creating our reality according to the words we accept and allow ourselves to exist as.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into a negative experience the moment that he left the room, feeling defeated and essentially declaring that I would give-up on any further attempt to get his attention on my work, which became a sentence that I realized I was in fact just saying out of spitefulness because I eventually realized I could have not taken the point personally.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to in that moment when seeing him leaving the room without saying anything, think ‘I won’t show him anything again,’ referring to my creative work and how I simply deemed in that moment that Nothing I would do would be of his interest, which was a rather all encompassing statement that in no way supports an actual realization of, first of all, not taking things personally and secondly assisting and supporting myself to see how I victimized myself there in that moment, holding on to the grudge of that memory, instead of working it with and explaining how I reacted, why I reacted and as such establish a proper communication that is not based only on short-sentences that generate an experience of ‘I am here’ and as such create bonds that in no way are of actual communication, but instead becomes another protocol type of communication that never really supports children to fully open up, because the father/ mother is not really ready to give its full to do so for their children.

 

Self Corrective statements:

When and as I see myself wanting to get someone’s attention to ‘see my stuff’ and in that moment already going into the fear of ‘they are not going to like it/ they will simply stand up and leave/ they will say they like it out of compromise’ and essentially self-sabotaging that single moment of inviting others to see something I’ve done with future projections of failing at getting their attention, which is how and why I have become resilient to share myself, in fear of not being ‘welcomed’ the way that I expected – I stop and I breathe, I realize that I am being conditional with me sharing myself wherein I am only seeking self-satisfaction as instant-gratification instead of sharing unconditionally without expecting anything in advance.

 

I realize that the only reason why I would want to get someone’s attention is because I haven’t allowed myself to give such attention to myself first, wherein then a negative experience and the choice of not sharing myself ever again comes as a spiteful mode for not having acquired the attention that I initially craved. Who I am as breath here is able to share without any drive of self-interest nor an expectation waiting to be fulfilled – who I am is constant here as the interaction that is able to be directed here as breath without any mind-interference of self interest.

 

When and as I see myself creating a positive experience when I do get people’s attention toward what I am doing, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me just satisfying the attention seeker character that would have reacted in the opposite manner if such attention had not been given the way I expected – thus I see and realize how my beingness in the moment is/ was defined according to others, instead of me remaining constant and consistent without shifting into further mind-dimensions of self-interest.

 

When and as I see myself defining my starting point of creation according to creating a positive experience within me and within others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am compromising myself within this very mechanism of positive experience upon expression wherein expression is no longer unconditional, but suiting a particular character that seeks energy as attention to keep existing.

 

When and as I see myself defining an entire point of interaction with another based on a ‘bad experience’ as defined by the ego of the mind in relation to not getting enough attention/ sufficient energy to continue a positive experience, I stop and I breathe – I realize that what I am defining as a point of separation or severing a relationship is in fact a spiteful action taken on by myself as the mind that will now go into the opposite polarity as the negative experience for not having gotten enough attention/ energy to keep a particular character – such as the attention seeker – running. Thus I allow myself to simply continue sharing myself unconditionally without wanting to ‘get’ an experience from another, but simply aligning myself to an equal and one physical stance wherein whether someone is interested in watching or not is not relevant any longer, as who I am is and can’t be defined according to other’s opinions, judgments and experiences created upon my own expression.

 

I assist and support myself to remain here as the physical breath whenever I share myself in any form with others, wherein I stop any expectations of either a positive or negative feedback as that clearly creates a point of expectation that is not required as all that I express myself as in the moment is what I am existing as in the moment – and that cannot be ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or ‘right’ or ‘wrong,’ but it’s a simple mirror and tool of self-reflection to get to know myself and as such support myself to See Me. If from this sharing others can support themselves as well in any aspect/ way = cool, yet it doesn’t define the point of expression in itself any longer.

 

When and as I see myself into the giving up mode of ‘I will never show anything to him/her/ them again’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am reacting according to not having fulfilled a character in my mind. Thus, I stop the self-victimization of deciding to ‘not share myself again’ and allow myself to share unconditionally that which I see assists and supports me – therefore I am the one that is responsible for the point of expression in order to reflect back on it and in self-honesty be able to decide whether this is in fact supporting me or not. I direct myself to self-forgive the moment or reaction if it emerges in the moment that another is not ‘paying attention’ to what I say/ do as I realize that this has been a reason for me to keep quiet/ become isolated, just because of thinking, believing and perceiving that just because someone did not want to hear me = no one ever will.

 

When and as I see myself feeling anxious and nervous upon wondering what others have to say in relation to something I created, I stop and I breathe – I realize that such anxiety is stemming from expecting either the worse or the best and as such keeping me in a friction and unnecessary expectation, without realizing that who I am here as every moment of breath does not require to be expecting the next moment with any experience, as it comes breath by breath – thus any further value given to words in separation of myself here as the physical body must be re-assessed to see how I have defined such words as positive assessment or negative assessment.

 

When and as I see myself going into a negative experience for someone remaining silent when I am sharing something, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have associated silence with a negative input instead of realizing that being expecting something out of another is already placing a condition in me sharing myself – thus I simply allow myself to share in the moment, without any expectation – yet also ensuring that the message is clear and asking questions if pertinent about it, instead of just complying to the silence and creating backchat about it instead of directing it in the moment, facing what Is see and cross referencing it with the person/ people involved in such moment.

 

I realize that most of the problems and even wars in our world and reality have been built around misunderstandings that, because they were not clearly and directly spoken, they grew into major conflicts that were able to apparently only be solved through wars and further conflicts, without realizing that such misunderstanding could have in fact been talked through and arranged in a way wherein we are in fact able to come to an agreement of what’s best for all. This is thus speaking in general terms of communication and how silence or physical attitudes had become these ‘indicators’ of something not being ‘alright’ – however, we are the only ones that have decided what is alright and what is not alright according to worth and value of the mind, which is how we have made of our reality a polarized concoction of opinions fighting to get on top of each other, instead of considering the physical reality in common sense at all times, which actually simplifies the points to a self-evident correction that can only be neglected and/or deliberately denied if we are only willing to continue supporting the ‘who we are’ as mind systems of opinions, judgments, beliefs and experiences that in no way have supported life in Equality.

 

As a general suggestion it is to assess ourselves whenever we are sharing or being the ones on the receiver’s ‘end’ and check our reactions, if we go into a fidgety mode, or restlessness or plain mind judgment, to get ourselves back here in the physical wherein we can ‘come back to our senses’ and realize that we are in fact sharing a moment with another being that is sharing themselves unconditionally, and that us shoving away that opportunity to do so will create consequences not only within them but as a general statement of separation that we create in that moment stemming only from our own mind-limitation that in no way regards life in equality, but can only create such separation if there is a ego-perspective to defend, a mind’s desire to fulfill.

 

I assist and support me to walk my process and identify such moments in my day to day living, to ensure that I do not repeat this separation within me, nor do I become the one that denies or shoves away another’s expression in means of fulfilling the desires of the mind in the moment.

 

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Day 22: Wax and Wane – Attention Seeker Spoiler

Who we are as positive/ negative feedback received upon us deliberately seeking attention reveals to what extent we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be constantly seeking an energetic reward as a feeling or emotion. Both imply self definition at a mind level wherein we become a constant bolt that goes from cathode to anode and seeking to trigger the next reaction as ‘attention from others’ in order to continue existing as a self-definition that enhances every time that any form of attention is given to self as an idea, self as a set of traits that can be either categorized as positive or negative.

 

This comes from the realization that any desire to seek attention/ obtain attention became a ‘normal’ way of living for me as a child, wherein ‘who I am’ was built and crafted according to feedback that I would assess as points wherein I could fine tune the eventual ‘idea of self’ that I wanted to fully embody for the sake of my own personal glory. I realize that at the moment we can stand equal and one to our own mind to live out the traits that we can develop/adjust/ perfect in order to fine tune ourselves within this process of equalization wherein we are in a world that we can practically assist and support with becoming the living example of how we can use or mind in order to create and implement what’s best for all, instead of using the mind to strategize ways to always win and get our positive feedback upon it, maintaining the belief that ‘who I am’ can be ‘more’ or ‘less than’ accordingly.

 

This begins with notorious points throughout childhood of how I became an attention seeker, to the opposite pole of not wanting to be recognized/ seen for the same particular traits as I had in the past and onto the point where we are here wherein attention given by others to self is only acceptable within the context of assistance and support to reference ‘who I am’ within such feedback and how I can get to see points that I might be missing out within my own application, which is how it is important to always share who we are in any given moment – if experiencing anything as ourselves in order to walk through the process of seeing its origin and walking the necessary self-correction.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always want to be part of ‘the action’ wherever it was taking place wherein as a child I would get pissed off and mostly feel ‘left out’ if I found out I was not informed about certain activities that were going to take place, wherein anger and irritation would ensue as a form of manipulation toward my parents/ family for not letting me know about it.

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘the world was against me’ whenever I could not have my way and in that, justify anger as away to make my parents feel guilty and eventually try and ‘compensate Me’ for having ‘forgotten’ that I existed – which is how my mind would see the point to reinforce any perception of being unwanted, undesired and a constant nuisance for others.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately want to annoy my parents/ sisters to get their attention as I would find this as something ‘funny to do’ without realizing that I was seeking to be constantly getting an energetic experience of positivity through negative response – this means that the more they would get annoyed by me, the better ‘kick’ out of it I would receive. Within this I realize that who I was as an attention seeker was a deliberate game that I would instigate within my environment with family members in order to feel ‘good’ upon annoying them.

 

Who am I within this deliberate desire to annoy others to feel good? It is simply a desire to be constantly experiencing myself as someone that had the power to annoy another – and in that, get a positive reward for it as an energetic experience that I became defined by in order to constantly ‘keep’ this perceived spotlight upon myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel good whenever people in my environment would applaud anything that I had to say because it was apparently very ‘sensate’ and ‘mature’ for a child

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to learn that getting compliments would make me someone apparently ‘special’ and ‘unique’ as a child, wherein I would then constantly seek adult’s attention to get my positive reinforcement that would make up the sense of ‘confidence’ that was mostly built up by accumulating these positive feedback as bricks that built the ‘who I am at the eyes of others,’ which eventually had to fall as I grew up and went below zero from where I had to then put the pieces back together again after going through the exact opposite feedback upon ‘who I am within my life/ life choices’ which makes me realize that:

Every aspect that entails an energetic experience as a reinforcement toward the idea of myself as either a positive or negative way, eventually created a false idea of who I am as such positive feedback or negative feedback, that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘embody’ as ‘who I am’ wherein I got lost in the character and lost all sense of being simply here, as a physical living human being that doesn’t require a constant confirmation of ‘who I am’ as an idea, a belief, a character and persona at the eyes of others.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be deliberately extroverted as a child in order to get people – mostly adults’ attention – as I knew that this would make me ‘stand out’ from the rest and make me special, wherein everyone’s positive feedback upon my attitude, my skills, my abilities and hobbies would build up this elevated idea of ‘who I am’ as a ‘wunderkind’ wherein I then became an early inflated-ego while being around at home and within family, as opposed to the reserved, contained and sensate being that I portrayed myself to be at school during the same ages – from 5-10 more or less.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being around adults more than kids during my childhood, because I became aware of how adults would mostly ‘praise’ the perceived maturity that I deliberately presented in order to get such positive reinforcement as the idea of ‘who I am,’ whereas with kids I was simply ‘another one’ which would not satisfy me at the level of getting this constant ‘kick’ as energy obtained from adults when receiving compliments and ‘positive feedback’ toward ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to in my mind believe that all I was and had to ‘be’ was this amusing persona that would always have to be entertaining others to get their attention and in that, get my positive reward similar to the rush that one gets when eating candy and then eventually wanting more of it soon after the effect is gone.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek a positive experience as in feeling ‘more’ than who I was every time that I would want to show something that I had made/ drawn/ crafted/ done toward my parents as a means to get their attention and reward, wherein I would get specifically irritated whenever I ‘felt’ that they were merely condescending and not really paying attention/ giving ME the attention I desired – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into an immediate low end from the expected ‘positive reward’ in my mind upon showing something to my father/ mother, wherein when I perceived they were only giving positive feedback in an automated way, out of condescending and only to ‘shut me off’ to keep doing what they were doing, I would wallow in an immediate ‘low’ which would be interpreted as ‘they don’t want to see what I did/ I rather not show them what I do ever again’ which became an actual living statement wherein I stopped sharing ‘my creations’ in such an open manner out of expecting them to only give a ‘light answer’ as positive reinforcement without giving the attention that I sought from them as an actual ‘thoughtful feedback’ upon ‘what I do.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek to do art/ crafts in order to, in my mind, stop getting the attention as what had become a rather ‘annoying feedback’ in my mind after years of accumulating this positive feedback wherein I wanted to get rid of the ‘positive feedback’ through being able to be recognized for being more than a ‘brain that thinks,’ and in that, seeking to create art as a way to not have to articulate myself in such a thoughtful manner that could be directly judged as positive/ negative – but instead use images as another form of expanding the desire for attention without having this ‘smart/ intelligent’ suit on, as creating art could not entail a right or wrong, but only appreciating an individual expression that could not be graded the same way that words/ statements were. In this

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see and realize that I merely went from positive to a negative/ alternative way of getting the same feedback that would still be absorbed by me as a positive/ negative reinforcement toward my ego – this means that ‘who I am’ has always been at the expense of ideas, perceptions and beliefs that I have sought to obtain for others in means of asserting ‘who I am’ as a personality/ ego which is the same game we have all agreed to collectively play, giving each other ‘props’ within the belief that ‘who we are’ can be bettered/ uplifted and/or battered/down-rated by others’ words and opinions which include my own self-talk whenever I allow such words to influence myself in any way – either positively or negatively.

 

I realize that who I am has been an energetic mind game that merely sought attention as a constant drive-thru the gas station wherein the fuel I would get from others was not really about ‘others’ but about me creating an experience upon deliberately triggering reactions from others in means of asserting and creating/ recreating the idea that I made of myself in order to have a ‘special spot’ within a dog eat dog as the eternal battle and survivalism that we have existed within the current social context that we have created within this reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to later on seek attention through ‘opposition’ and creating a certain ‘shock’ within my reality through using an image and specific personality in order to ‘stand out from the crowd,’ which was a different dimension from the initial childhood desire to gain attention through ‘positive means.’ This time during my teenage years, I created a personality that would draw attention in an attempt to create a ‘rift’ within a ‘perfected world’ wherein my cautiously crafted ‘disruption’ could get any form of negative reaction/ remark that would function in a similar way to getting a kick out of any positive feedback.

 

Within this I realize how I have gone from pole-to-pole to essentially live out the same energy that I created from assessing others’ reactions, words, feedback upon myself as a constant confirmation that ‘I’ exist as a specific personality, which is and has become an essential human-mind trait in order to keep ourselves ‘enhancing’ our ego through either positive or negative feedback, without realizing that who we really are is neither of both.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel ‘good’ about getting positive feedback and feel ‘bad’ about getting negative feedback without realizing that with me taking others words as a positive/ negative reinforcement to ‘who I am’ as a personality is only me accepting and allowing myself to be a set of positive and negative traits, instead of taking the words as points or considerations that I can take on as mere assistance and support to see where I can align myself to a best for all scenario wherein no ‘feeling good/ superior’ is ensued by positive feedback and not ‘feeling low/ inferior’ is ensued by negative feedback. I realize that feedback is simply a point of referencing me through others wherein there is no right and wrong, but only point that I can be missing to see within myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire ‘asserting’ myself as existing within others’ lives/ worlds as a point of positive-incentive to ‘keep going’ within my life throughout the years, without realizing that within living as the constant expectation of getting the attention as the ‘reward’ for everything I do/say is only existing as an idea waiting to be uplifted or opposed to generate an equally fool-filling experience at a mind level to remain as the constricted version of ‘who I am’ as a set of values within words/ judgments, ideas, beliefs and perceptions of ‘who I am at the eyes of others,’ which implies separating myself from being such other eyes and realizing that I cannot possibly wax and wane according to words, I can only assert myself as living words that I and everyone else can live as a realization of who we really are and what is in fact supportive to adopt and implement in a practical way within our reality.

 

I see, realize and understand that an ‘attention seeker’ is only a dimension of self-created desire to continue asserting myself as an idea, which is deliberately instigating positive or negative feedback in order to get the necessary reinforcement at an ego-level, which is the entire mind construction that I have to walk to understand How I have created myself as these patterns that have not supported me to live effectively and coexist with other beings in a particular environment.

I see and realize that I can direct such attention back to myself whenever I see myself having any desire to get attention from others in order to see where and how I am still seeking for validation from others’ in order to continue assenting the ‘who I am’ as an ego, instead of actually stopping in the moment and letting go of the desire to get my ‘quick energetic fix’ by getting any positive or negative feedback which results in an experience within myself.

 

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I see myself deliberately wording myself out in order to get the attention that I see and realize I must give back to myself to see the relationship that I have created in such moment toward the person/ environment in which such desire and/or reaction emerges within my world.

 

I commit myself to expose how it is that a child becomes a rather constant attention seeker if being overloaded with positive reinforcement, no different to inflating balloons with hot air that eventually have to descend down to earth due to such ‘flying high’ not being sustainable as a living, constant reality of who I am.

 

When and as I see myself seeking validation from others toward what I say/ do – I stop and I breathe – I realize that only an ego can seek validation from another mind as egos feeding each other, instead of unconditionally taking another’s words as points of support to allow myself to expand beyond ‘feeing the idea of self’ wherein expansion ensues a point of self-realization to see where and how I have created a relationship toward such point of reaction in either  positive or negative way, in order to equalize myself as all that is here to no longer require to exist as an energetic-feedback requiring machine, but as a living-breathing-walking human being that can simply coexist in a physical way wherein feedback can only be a means to perfect and optimize our living application.

 

“Incentive – Inner sense initiative – transforming incentive into a living self-directive principled action, where one’s inner sense / commonsense initiate oneself into immediate action/change/living of self in a moment when commonsense is realised – and so incentive becomes like a momentary blast of life that sets one off into an explosion of commonsense living action – no more waiting/postponing living, and getting it done – so, get the incentive of self as life – get to commonsense living through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application – no more waiting for change, but in fact living the change as self” Sunette Spies

 

 

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